#jensen series

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

If I Love You Too (Part 1)

Summary: It’s been six months since the accident. Six months and Jensen can’t stand feeling helpless anymore. He knows he needs to start figuring out how to work again while being a single parent and juggling his concerned family. He absolutely doesn’t want it but he needs help in the form of a live-in nanny to help with the day to day. As much as he didn’t want that nanny or her help, she’s going to make him feel things he never dared to again and in the process, discover that some people in life get more than one soulmate...

Masterlist

Pairing: Jenssen x nanny!reader

Word Count: 9,500ish

Warnings: language, angst, death of a spouse, lying, mentions of injury/death of a spouse/death of a parent, internal turmoil

A/N: Please enjoy the first part of this Jensen POV series! I am SO excited to be sharing this story with you from Jensen’s side! 

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“Hey buddy,” I heard as the door from the bedroom to the private balcony opened. I didn’t move from my seat, stayed still and quiet as the door shut behind me. A hand ruffled my hair and I turned away from the touch. “Want to come downstairs and watch Christmas Vacation with everyone? Kids are down for the count.”

“No thanks,” I said quietly, waiting for my brother to leave me alone again. The hand didn’t leave my hair and I closed my eyes. “I’m a little beat after a long couple days. You guys go ahead without me.”

“Thanks for the new toolset. I really like it,” he said. 

“You’re welcome.” I opened my eyes slowly, staring at the wood decking, Josh still playing with my hair. 

“Next year won’t be as hard. I promise.”

“Well it was a little hard to try and accommodate my children asking for their dead mother for Christmas,” I said. I held my breathing steady, pulling on all of those little acting strings tucked away in the back of my head to stop myself from saying more. “Maybe we can take all the kids ice skating tomorrow.”

“Sure. Mom and dad would like that,” I said. “Maybe get a real smile on that face.”

I stared dryly at the decking, overdue for a power wash but then again, what did it matter. A little bit of must and dirt didn’t bother me.

“I’m not saying six months is enough time to get over what happened. But find a better therapist for me. This one isn’t-”

“Josh I’m tired. I set up everything all by myself this year. I’m just tired is all. I had fun today. I promise,” I said. 

“Alright. Get some sleep then baby brother,” he said, ruffling my hair one last time.

“Not a baby,” I mumbled.

“Hey,” he said. I looked back and up at him. “You’re my baby brother no matter what, understand?” I nodded, Josh returning it. “Sleep in tomorrow. I’ll handle breakfast.”

“Maybe,” I said, turning away, glad for when the door slid open and shut once more. I looked back, Josh gone, before leaning forward in my seat. I looked up at the dark cloudy sky, rubbing my palms together. “Honey if you’re up there…”

I squeezed my eyes shut, quickly forcing them open, scrunching up my face.

“I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Nothing. Numb. But it’s been too long and everyone wants me to be better and...I can’t let ‘em down. It’s been six months. I should be better. But I just don’t...help me. Please. You have my back. I don’t know what to do except pretend the rest of my life and I’m scared what’ll happen if I do. It’s been six months and I can’t take it anymore. Tell me what to do. Please.”

A gentle breeze stirred through the air, a quiet rumble of thunder off in the distance.

“Dee?” I glanced up only to be hit in the face with hard droplets of rain, the sky opening up and pouring down. I blinked the water away, staring down at my lap. “You’re not up there. You’re just fucking gone.”

It took a moment for me to make myself rise, bringing water into the bedroom. I locked up and ditched my wet clothes in the bathroom, standing in front of the shower absently. I caught my reflection in the glass, turning to the floor length mirror, tracing a finger over the scar on my hip. I narrowed my eyes, breathing deeply. I caught my reflection, quickly looking away.

But I forced myself to look back, to meet the hard green eyes, meet the pink edges to them, to look down at the scar and then back up.

“The one fucking time you’re not driving…” I grit out, clenching my fists. “I fucking hate you. I fucking hate you you worthless son of a bitch. If you were driving you could have saved her. You could have stopped it.”

I slammed a fist against my thigh, hitting the scar again. I forced myself to stop, release my hand and instead step in the shower. I turned the water to warm and stepped under the stream, closing my eyes. My skin warmed after a few minutes and I got out, changing into a fresh pair of briefs after I was dry. I stood in the closet, almost reaching for a shirt to sleep in when I went to the other side, flipping on the light. It was mostly empty, a few boxes in there but most of it was given away to family and friends or donated. 

I stopped at the items still on hangers, grabbing a gray oversized fleece hoodie. I tugged it on, still too big for me even now. Definitely too big when I was a little twenty five year old. I grabbed the collar and tugged it up, taking a deep inhale, narrowing my eyes when all I smelled was a bit of dust. I hit off the light and went out to the bedroom, crawling into the middle. 

I hadn’t worn the sweatshirt in a decade, not long after I started dating Danneel. I pulled up the hood and plopped down, sliding under the covers, turning to face her old side of the bed. It wasn’t too long after that I heard the door crack and hushed whispers filled the room.

“I told you he said he was tired. I mean, he did prep for everyone by himself. I’m tired and all I had to do was drive down here,” said Josh quietly. “Let him sleep.”

I shut my eyes, feeling a blanket be pulled over top of me.

“Sleep good, sweetie,” I heard mom say softly. The door to the room shut a few seconds later and I glanced back at it, plopping back down. I was exhausted. That much was true. I’d been exhausted the past six months. First it was the accident but trying to keep up with different projects and the brewery and suddenly being a single dad was fucking hard.

I rolled over and grabbed my phone, typing into google.

“Ten easy steps to finding a nanny,” I mumbled to myself. “If it’s so easy why’s there’s ten fucking steps…”

I sighed and exited back out, scrolling down the page, finding a more promising one.

“I’m thinking of getting a nanny,” I said the next day while I finished a cup of coffee with my parents and siblings, getting a few stares. “Okay. I see y’all have opinions on that.”

“I think it’s a great idea,” said Jared, smiling as he walked in with some bags in his arms. “You could do with the help.”

“You’ve had nannies before. You have a nanny now,” I said, Jared setting the bags of gifts down by the tree.

“Yeah so I know how useful they can be,” said Jared, getting some quick hugs from everyone. “I need to steal him for like ten minutes. Be right back.”

“Coffee,” I whined, Jared grabbing my hand and dragging me after himself. He pulled me over to the front door, letting me slip into some sneakers before heading outside. “What?”

I was pulled into a bear crushing hug, waiting a beat before I returned it.

“How’d it go, Christmas eve and Christmas and all that,” asked Jared. 

“It was great.”

“We don’t lie to each other.” I rested my chin on Jared’s shoulder and closed my eyes.

“Hard,” I said quietly. “Dee’s parents are coming in today.”

“I know they are,” said Jared, rubbing my back.

“You’re supposed to be down at your parents place with your family.”

“I’m supposed to be with my brother. Don’t start your defensive shit. I thought you and your therapist were making some good progress on that.”

“I know,” I said. I hated that stupid lie I’d told. Hated every time someone brought it up. Especially hated when Jared did. 

A small piece of me wondered if Jared would leave me too if he ever found out. 

“Hey, hey,” said Jared, tugging me around the corner of the garage, holding me up when I started to cry. 

“Don’t tell them or anyone,” I said, wiping the tears away with the backs of my hands. Jared caught my arms, my bottom lip wobbling. “Please. They treat me...if they see me get upset…please.”

“I won’t tell,” he said, wiping off the rest of my face while I cleared my throat. 

“I good?” I asked, rubbing off my face. I blinked a few times, Jared nodding. He caught my shoulder, gnawing on his bottom lip. “Jared you promised.”

“I’m not gonna tell. I just hate that you’re afraid to let your family see you cry.”

“To be fair I hate to let anyone see me cry.”

“What makes me so special?”

“You’re you,” I said, a small smile on Jared’s face. “Our asses our stuck together forever whether we like it or not.”

“Oh I’m gonna annoy the shit out of you in the afterlife, don’t worry about that,” he chuckled. I nodded, glancing down. “I think the nanny idea is really good. You need help getting the kids to school and daycare and running errands. I mean your parents came up when you went out to LA for your suit being built but...you’ve got to be in Canada for The Boys in February. You’re gonna need help working full time again.”

“I know. I’m so tired all the time. I know that’s why I’m upset. I just need some sleep man.”

“How about tomorrow once everybody’s headed home, you guys come hang out at our place. We can help with the nanny stuff. We’ve been through it. We know the good agencies in town. Gen’s got a whole file on all that stuff.”

“I was thinking of a live-in nanny?” I said. “Is that weird? I feel weird enough having some stranger come in.”

“It’s not weird. I mean you got the guest suite near the garage. If anything you don’t have to stress so much. Someone’s right down the hall. It’s a great idea. I’m proud of you.” I raised an eyebrow, Jared rolling his eyes. “What, I can’t be proud of you?”

“Why? I have to hire a nanny because I can’t figure out how to do it alone when there’s only a gajillion other parents on the planet that don’t have a choice of-”

“You’ve been shitty at asking for help since I met you you know,” said Jared. I shrugged, Jared catching my arm. “I know this is the last thing in the world you want to do, admit you need help, but you’re the one that decided you need a nanny. No one talked you into that. You did that even though you don’t want to. That’s why I’m proud of you, jackass.”

“We were going to get one before…to help Dee out more. When I was away,” I said. I nodded, taking a deep breath. “Next year will be better. I’ll get back to acting, things’ll feel more normal.”

“Don’t go and turn into an optimist on me Jackles. I need my grumpy old man,” chuckled Jared.

“Old man my ass,” I said with a smirk. “You headed back?”

“Nope. Sadly your ass is stuck with me all day,” he said. I smiled, heading back around the front of the house with him. 

“Mind giving me some back up in there with all the nanny questions I’m about to get?”

“Duh,” he said. “But first let’s finish your coffee before you bite someone’s head off.”

It’d been three days and I had narrowed it down to three nanny agencies in town. I’d gotten about fifty applications to sort through for interviews, rubbing my hands over my face after reading through most of them.

“Dad! Can I have sugar cookies?” asked JJ, skipping into the office. I glanced at the clock on the wall, an hour past bedtime for all three of them. 

“Gettin’ kind of late kiddo. Why don’t you head up to bed and brush your teeth. I’ll be up to read in a minute, okay?” I said, forcing a smile. She stared me down, a look I recognized all too well. “JJ.”

“I know how to read,” she said with a huff.

“Well I guess you don’t need me for anything anymore huh?” I said without thinking, watching her face fall. “Honey-”

She took off running and I sighed as I sat back and stared up at the ceiling. I shook my head and got up, wandering upstairs, surprised to find the twins in bed asleep. JJ was in the middle of her bed, angrily holding her dog. She shot me a dirty look, a perfect match to my own.

I sat down on the edge of the bed, reaching out and tucking her hair behind her ear. 

“You put your brother and sister to bed for me?” I asked. 

“Yes,” she grit out. 

“You don’t have to do that, sweetie. That’s my job.”

“You have to do everything by yourself now. It’s not fair.” 

“No it’s not. You’re too young to learn that life isn’t fair, even if you do everything right.” She scooted over into my lap, burrowing herself into my arms. 

“We were good. Why didn’t Santa bring her back?” she asked. I tucked her head under my chin so she couldn’t look up, closing my eyes and scrunching up my face.

“Santa can do a lot. But he can’t do that. No one can,” I said. I stroked her hair, holding her tight. “It’s okay to miss mom still.”

“I know it is. I’m just scared.”

“Scared of what, munchkin.”

“I don’t want you to go.” I looked up, swallowing down the lump in my throat. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” I said. I kissed the top of her head, wrinkling my nose. “How about we save that cookie for a snack tomorrow, okay? I promise we can spend the day playing. I just have to do a little more work tonight.”

“Okay,” she said. She didn’t move and I didn’t have the heart to do it myself. It was one of the rare moments when one of the kids crawled in my lap, crawled all over me playing and poking and kicking, diving into my bed, waking up to one or all three of them having stolen my covers in the night...I could forget for a few seconds. Things were okay.

A few seconds later though she moved and I was biting the inside of my cheek. I put on a smile, tucking her in and turning on her light in the corner before hitting off the overhead one and shutting the door. I went back to my office, staring at the screen. I reached a hand over to my phone on the desk but stopped myself. Jared had spent the whole night before with me.

“You’re fine, you’re fine, you’re fine,” I breathed out quietly, clicking through to the next nanny profile.

Y/N Y/L/N. 29 Years Old. Home Pair Consultant 3 years. Nanny Core 2 years. Nanny Core Consultant 3 years. Independent Contractor Nanny Services 3 years.

“Certified in CPR and first aid. Homeschool certified K through 2nd grade. You sound like a little over achiever, don’t you,” I mumbled, reading through the rest of the page. “Specializes infants to age ten. Okay what do your ex-employers have to say…”

I found similar comments to some of the previous women, all nice things, got along with kids great, very easy going, etc. But one made my eyes go wide and chuckle.

She didn’t sleep with my skank of a an ex-husband when he pursued her. She brought this news to my attention discretely and regularly took on additional time with the kids while I met with divorce lawyers. It was unfortunate that I could no longer afford to employ her on a single income but she truly cares about the family she works for. My daughters cried for a week when we had to end our services with her but I was very grateful she didn’t brush the incident under the rug.

“Yeah, I think you’re getting an interview for that alone,” I said with a tiny smile. “But what the fuck is a consultant…”

It took a few days but eventually I had the eight prospective nannies lined up for interviews on Saturday. So far all seven were very nice ladies but I just could not stand the thought of occupying the same room for more than an hour let alone have them live in the house. The issue must have been with me if none of them seemed like a good fit. I really didn’t want to be doing this and I must have been putting off some strange vibe. 

“Maybe I don’t need a nanny. Maybe...maybe I just don’t need a nanny. I can do this. I can do this on my own. If I just manage work around the kids schedule...and mom and dad come down and watch the kids while I’m up filming and if I fly back and forth every week and mid week...I can do this. I can do this. I don’t need a nanny. I got this. I so got this.”

I sighed when I recalled the same pep talk two weeks ago I’d given myself. The one that led to contemplating quitting acting that night and then proceeding to lay in bed crying half the night.

“Nope. Nope. We just have to calm down. Calm down. It’s not you. Just didn’t find the right one yet. That’s all,” I said to myself, breathing quietly. I rubbed my eyes and yawned, looking over at the coffee maker. “Oh coffee. At least I’ll always have you.”

The doorbell rang and I sighed. 

“Great. You’re early,” I groaned. I threw my head back and went to the front door, tearing it open. A woman stood there in a pair of dark jeans and sneakers, a plain light gray t-shirt on, hair pulled back in a ponytail, a few strands falling loose and framing her face.

Oh well she was definitely the cutest by and far.

I realized I was staring and blinked, rubbing my face.

“Hi. You must be from Nanny Core,” I said. She smiled and cocked her head.

“I’m Y/N Y/L/N from Home Pair,” she said. I closed my eyes and rested my head against the side of the door, contemplating just slamming it right against it. 

“The last girl was from Nanny Core,” I said, opening my eyes, shaking my head. “I’m so sorry. Yes, Y/N. You’re the one that’s a consultant, not firmly associated with Home Pair, right?”

“Correct,” she said, stepping inside when I let her past. She looked around and smiled, seemingly used to a larger sort of home.

“May I ask what the distinction is?”

“Mostly it has to do with benefits,” she said. “Consultants pay out of pocket for their own or negotiate with their client for those to be covered.”

“Gotcha,” I said with a yawn. Great I looked like a fucking asshole. She looked ahead past the front hall towards the back of the house where the kitchen and family room was. I wiped a hand over my face, a pit already in my stomach, the poor girl already probably already waiting for the interview to end so she could leave. “I’m sorry. I must seem like an ass.”

“You seem tired is all Mr. Ackles. Not a crime,” she said with a smile. I wasn’t expecting such a genuine answer, not a bullshit I’ll pander to you cause I want this job, kind of answer. She was different than the other applicants for sure. Something warm and caring to her. I nodded and found myself smiling, probably the first genuine one I’d had in months.

“Mind if we do the interview in the kitchen over a cup of coffee?” I asked.

“Wherever you like, sir,” said Y/N. I started to head over to the table, pausing when she was trying to kick off her sneakers, one of them tied a bit too tightly to go off easily. She hopped once, nearly tripping and I looked away, chuckling quietly before she was by my side again. 

“Uh, for the record, call me Jensen. None of that sir stuff. They must teach that at nanny school or something huh?” I said. I led her over to the table, pulling out a chair. “I noticed all of you do it.”

“Something like that,” she said. She took a seat and I stifled another yawn, turning and blinking my eyes, heading to the coffee machine. I reached for the cap to put some grounds in, the thing falling and bouncing across the counter, straight into a dirty bowl in the sink. Naturally. I leaned over the counter, holding the edge tightly, squeezing my eyes shut. “How about I make the coffee and you take a seat, hm?”

“I’m okay,” I said, popping my head up and turning around with a smile. She looked me up and down, something gentle about her.

“Well making you coffee is probably going to come up in my job quite a bit so consider this part of the interview. It’s alright, really,” said Y/N. I stared at her, a little smile forming on her face. She wasn’t sucking up or trying to kiss my ass. There was a kindness to her that was incredibly attractive. Something in that little smile causing the tiniest little flutter. I blinked, slipping past her.

“Thank you,” I said. She started to make a cup, keeping my back to her. I put a hand on my chest, the flutter dissipating. After a moment I sat down, turning back just as the cup started to fill up. She watched it carefully but with an ease that said she was used to working with that kind of maker. Her hand slipped into her back pocket as she shifted on her feet, her ass rounding out amazingly in her jeans.

What the fuck was wrong with me? God she was only making a cup of coffee for fucks sake.

“I’m gonna ask you the same question I’ve asked all seven other women I’ve talked to today,” I said, forcing a smile when she picked up the mug. 

“Yes?”

“Why should I trust you to watch my children?”

“Honestly?” she asked. I nodded and she had that look on her face again. Soft. Slightly concerned. Still smiling. Beautiful. She set the cup down in front of me, a look to let it cool, the barest glimmer of a smirk when I reached for it anyways. There was another flutter in my chest and I took a long sip, burning the tip of my tongue. Part of me hated it, hated that it was possible to develop an attraction to anyone else. But that other part...it was so happy to be feeling something again, especially something good. “You shouldn’t.”

“I shouldn’t. That seems counterproductive.”

“I wouldn’t trust any stranger with my child. Trust is earned, not given. I think the real question is do you believe I’m capable of earning that trust with you and that’s something intrinsically only you know.”

“How so?”

“You meet a lot of different kinds of people with this job. My gut reaction to you is stressed, overwhelmed, sleep-deprived father who doesn’t really want any nanny at all but is forced into this situation. It’s going to be impossible for you to trust any of the seven woman from earlier or me off the bat, Jensen. You should be thinking of who will you come to trust. Who can you count on.”

“This is why my wife should have been the one doing this,” I said. I took a sip of coffee, biting back a small smile.

“We could always re-schedule for when she’s available.”

“Oh, we’d have to wait a very long time for that,” I chuckled. She looked lost and I realized it was time for that part of the interview again. I smiled, hoping she wouldn’t feel awkward. “She passed away unexpectedly six months ago. Car accident.”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” said Y/N. I nodded, pursing my lips, catching her open her mouth after a beat. “My mom died kinda unexpectedly. I know it’s…harder.”

“You’re young. How old?” I asked. She shrugged, glancing down.

“Turned thirty today,” said Y/N. She was cute, still young but she was starting to click. Her kindness, that air about her. Maybe she could sense something going on but was too polite to ask. I let out a small laugh, shaking my head when she started to frown.

“Well Happy Birthday. I meant with your mother though. If that’s okay with you I mean.”

“It’s fine. I was sixteen,” she said. I dropped the smile and took a deep breath. No one deserved that. Especially not a kid. I was a grown man and I could barely handle a loss that close. But she seemed...okay. 

I just wanted to be okay again. It’d been too long though and I cleared my throat.

“That…fucking sucks doesn’t it?” I said.

“So does losing your wife,” said Y/N. I nodded and offered a soft smile.

“Yes it does. I’ve grieved. We all have. The kids are small. They’ll be okay.”

“Is dad okay?” she asked. Not really but that was far too much to put on anyone, especially a stranger.

“Yes. Ready to start moving on with life again,” I said, looking her up and down once. I hope she accepted the offer. She didn’t have to be perfect. She didn’t have the most certifications out of all of the applicants but she was the only one I genuinely enjoyed being around and that was the most important thing at the end of the day. “You’re kind. Not in a I’m trying to get this job kind of way. Just kind.”

“Well being cruel doesn’t sound like very much fun.”

“You’re not trying to impress me.”

“The first rule of nannying, Jensen. You think you’re interviewing us when in reality we’re interviewing you too.”

“How am I doing so far?” I asked, realizing after the words were out how flirty it sounded.

“Nice coffee choice,” she said with a smile. “You respect people. You’ll employ me but won’t treat me like I’m second class. You’re checking the boxes so far.”

“What if I don’t check all the boxes?” I asked.

“You don’t get to know the luxury of knowing the answer yet, Mr. Ackles,” said Y/N. “Interview isn’t over.” It wasn’t arrogance in her voice when she spoke though. Almost careful, protective.

“You got fucked over by somebody, didn’t you.”

“Also perceptive,” she said, rubbing her arm absentmindedly. “Like I said, I don’t tolerate being treated unkindly anymore. It’s why I left my last position.” 

“I have one more question. Would you treat my children like they’re your own?”

“Again, asking the wrong question,” she said. I sat back and crossed my arms, smirking at her. She gave it right back and I nodded.

“What exactly should I be asking?”

“Will you treat my children kindly and with respect but take charge when required?”

“What’s the difference?”

“One is me doing my job and the other is me doing yours.”

“How old did you say you were again?”

“Thirty today.”

“Right. Well I think I know where I stand. Do you have anything for me?” I asked. Hopefully she just accepted the pay offer without a fuss.

“Can you show me a picture of your kids?” she asked. I stared for a brief moment before reaching back and taking out my wallet. “You answered my question.”

“I didn’t show you anything yet.” 

“You’d be surprised how many fathers I’ve met don’t carry pictures of their children in their wallets. That one is just a me thing.”

“Your dad do that?” I asked, putting it back. She made a face, looking away.

“Maybe,” she said with a shrug. She didn’t look back for a long moment. Dead mom at 16 and distant dad. It wasn’t a stretch to see how a girl like that wound up nannying straight out of high school. “I think I know where I stand as well.”

“I’d like to hire you,” I said. She smiled and I instantly relaxed, aside from a few flutters stirring again.

“Assuming our negotiations go well, I accept,” she said. We shook hands, hers small and soft, but the grip was solid. Kind but she’d kick your ass if she had to. I smiled, flutters going off stronger now that the nerves of finding someone were dwindling.

“I did come up with what I thought was fair for salary and benefits. Let me go grab the paperwork and hopefully settle on something,” I said. I went down to the office, grabbing the pile of offer papers off the desk and a notebook. I froze when a pleasant chill ran down my spine. 

I was happy because I’d found a good fit. I was excited over a lot of stress being gone. 

That was it. That was it.

I swallowed and went back out to the kitchen with a smile.

“If I’m missing anything let me know. I-”

“This is my weekly rate?” she asked when she reviewed her pay sheet. 

“Oh no. That’s your daily,” I said as I sat down. I swallowed when she put the paper down. “So I think that’s-”

“Jensen. I have to ask, things like insurance, are those coming out of your pocket or mine?”

“I’ll cover the expenses of your health, dental, all of that. You just choose and I’ll subsize it as part of your paycheck.” 

“This is for a live in position. Um…can you just…explain what makes up that daily rate number?” she asked. I cocked my head. I thought I’d spelled it out in the paperwork but I probably missed something.

“It’s simply your base pay. Obviously I pay for housing, utilities, gas obviously. I will get you a credit card to make purchases with for the kids and all of that so it’s simple to keep track of. You’re free to any of the food in the kitchen. I’m guessing the salary is the sticking point here.”

“Jensen,” she said, scratching her head. 

“I can go up fifty more dollars a day,” I blurted out. 

“Jensen. This is way, way too much money. Way too much,” she said. “The average rate around here is about twenty five an hour or two hundred a day. Jensen this is double that. Are you factoring in like time and a half for additional nights and weekends?”

“No. That’d be on top of that. I thought that was a fair value based on the fact you are going to be taking care of the most valuable things in my life. It’s gonna get taxed too so it’s not like you see all of it.”

“You’re sweet, Jensen,” she said, writing down a number at the top of the page. “The average in Austin is twenty five an hour. I would be very happy with that.”

“You have to literally be the first person in existence to negotiate their salary down from the offer,” I said, shaking my head. She was watching my kids. She deserved to be paid well for doing her job well.

“Are you rejecting my offer?” she asked. She stared and I took the paper and crossed her number out, jotting down thirty five and spinning it back. “Jensen.”

“Y/N,” I said, crossing my arms. Why couldn’t she just accept? She scowled and I huffed. Of course she had a stubborn side. “I came down. Now it’s your turn. Do you accept?”

“I will accept on the condition that you get four hours of what we’d call evening or weekend at the normal rate every week.”

“I can agree to that,” I said with a smile, writing that down, happy when she signed the page. “So medical plan. Single, plus one, family?”

“Single for all that.”

“I should mention that there is an in-law suite off to the other side of the garage where you’ll be staying. It’s just down the hall but it has its own small living area and kitchenette. There is a separate entrance to it. If you have guests over I just ask you keep them to your area of the house.”

“Absolutely. I don’t tend to bring people over much anyways while I’m on the job,” she said. “Alright. Everything looks good to me.”

“Awesome. Are you available to start Monday?”

“Sure,” said Y/N. “It gives me plenty of time to move in things tomorrow so I can jump into the kids routine first thing Monday.”

“Perfect. I’ll show you around. We can start with your side of the house.” 

I got up and Y/N followed me down to the guest suite in the front corner of the house. I opened the door for her, Y/N slipping inside and looking around. It wasn’t large but it was decent enough for one person.

“Like I said, I know it’s small. Please like, seriously watch TV out in the family room at night if you want or hang out wherever or the yard or pool. This is just your own space when you want to be away from us.” I said. I got a hum out of her and showed her the rest of the space, Y/N running her hand over the bedding. “If there’s something obvious I’m missing please let me know. A cleaning service does come by every two weeks on Tuesdays at around ten in the morning. They’ll do in here too. Otherwise you can keep after yourself. Cleaning stuff is in the laundry room. Oh yeah. Um, this is probably the last time I’ll like, ever come in here unless you need help moving things in since this will be your space.”

“Thanks. I don’t have too much. I do have one request before we sign all the paperwork.”

“What’s that?”

“I’d like to meet the kids if that’s alright. There’s not much point in hiring me if they hate me.”

“Fair point. We’ll get ‘em over here and then get you all squared away,” I said. “One second.”

“Of course,” she said. I stepped out of the suite and ducked into the garage, Jared answering on the second ring.

“Get through all the interviews?” he asked. 

“Yeah. I uh, hired the last girl. She’s great. Super qualified, really get along with her,” I said.

“Good man. I’m glad you found one. When’s she start?”

“Monday. But she wants to meet the kids, says if they don’t like her there’s not much point in her doing this.”

“Smart lady,” chuckled Jared. “I’ll drop ‘em off in ten. You can tell me how it went when I get there.”

“Sounds good,” I said. I shoved my phone back in my pocket, smiling for a moment when I stepped back in the hall and caught a whiff of her perfume. I went back to the doorway, Y/N fumbling with the curtain in there. “Uh so is there anything I can get you? For your room?”

“No, this is great. Can I check out the rest of the house?” asked Y/N. I hummed and followed her as she wandered around the downstairs a bit, poking her head in the office and home gym, spotting the laundry room and humming. 

“The playroom is downstairs, kids and me are up,” I said. “There’s a loft and little reading room up here too if you like that sort of thing.”

“Your home is beautiful,” she said, walking up the stairs, following me down the hall. She smiled when she entered, looking at the bookcase. “You read these.”

“Hm?”

“Some people buy pretty books for their home libraries. But these are all random, a little messy. You read,” she said. She stopped at the sliding door out to the small balcony, looking out at the yard. “Your house feels homey for how large it is.”

“Thank you,” I said. “Anywhere besides my room is free to use.”

“Of course. I take it you do your own laundry then?” she asked. 

“I’m a big boy. I can do my own laundry,” I said. She hummed, spinning back with a soft smile. “Um. Y/N. Chores and things like that...those are my responsibility, not yours. You’re here to-”

“I have to do some chores. It’s part of taking care of kids. My job is to take care of them but also make dad’s life easier. If I have to wash a bedspread or go get juice from the store or whatever it is, I’m gonna do it. I’ll hang back but I’ll also do my job.”

“Understood. You’ll let me know if I’m stepping into your territory?” I asked. She shook her head and hummed, walking past me and out to the hall, going down to the kids rooms. “I miss the joke?”

“I’ve worked for one other single parent before and three divorced ones. They couldn’t do jack shit for their kids. They barely knew them. I don’t think I’ll have that problem with you Jensen,” she said.

“To be honest I’d rather not be doing this,” I said. She didn’t seem disappointed in that strangely, more, sad almost. “But I’ll get the hang of it.”

“Yes you will,” she said, stopping outside Arrow’s room. “Youngest daughter?” she said, pointing inside.

“I’m sorry. We were looking for what is youngest daughter,” I said. She rolled her eyes and smiled, following me inside. “This is Arrow’s room. She and my son Zeppelin are twins. He’s across the hall.”

“I’m going to guess four years old?” she said.

“How’d you know?” She smirked and pointed at a birthday card sticking out from the bookcase, a large 4 on it. “You’re very observational.”

“I’ve nannined a lot of 4 year olds. Their rooms tend to be organized chaos,” she said. She looked out the window, back to the room.

“Can I ask why you do that?”

“Fires,” she said with a shrug. I blinked, not even considering that for a second. “Never hurts to be over prepared. I’ll learn the house soon. This is your son’s room?”

“Yeah,” I said, following her across the hall, Y/N popping out after a moment. “My oldest is next door. The kids have a bathroom they all share across.”

“What grade is she?” asked Y/N, stepping into the room. 

“First. Second. Second,” I said. “She’s seven.”

“What’s her name?”

“JJ. Well, Justice Jay, but she’s always JJ.” 

“What was your wife’s name, if that’s okay.”

“Danneel,” I said with a quick swallow. She smiled, laughing to herself.

“Should have known with names like that mom had to have something unique too,” she said. “So JJ is in school. What about the little ones? They have daycare?”

“Yeah they go to daycare normally five days a week but sometimes if it’s a quiet day I don’t have them go. Or one goes and I spend some time with the other. They already know how to do shit I didn’t learn until first grade,” I said.

“This one’s a reader too,” she said, picking up a book from the nightstand. “She’s ahead for her age.”

“That’s what the school tells me. If only she was as good at her math,” I said.

“It’ll click for her eventually. She’s smart. Probably a visual learner. I used to draw problems out myself,” she said, setting the book down. “Any after school activities? Sports? Clubs?”

“I have a calendar I’ll show you. It’s the only way I keep it straight,” I said. She went past and to the hall, glancing down the long stretch of hallway, a pair of double doors on the other end. “That’s my room.”

“Okay then,” she said. 

“I mean...you can look if you want.”

“I’m going to give you the same courtesy as well. I won’t be going there unless there’s an emergency.” I nodded, turning to head back downstairs, accidentally bumping her. 

“I’m so sorry,” I said, Y/N giggling and shaking her head at me.

“Dude. Relax. My job is to make you more relaxed so get on that, okay?”

“Okay,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck.

“What am I gonna do with you Jensen,” she teased, heading back down the hall and her feet on the steps down after a moment. I glanced down and put a hand on my stomach, sliding it up to my chest. I shut my eyes, taking a deep breath.

I was nervous. Or excited. Or something. Happy to have found a nanny. That was all. That was really all.

“Y/N I’ll be down in a minute. The kids should be here soon,” I called, quickly ducking into my room and closing the door. I sat down against it, staring ahead blankly. “It’s a crush. S’just a crush.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, pressing my palms against my head.

“Jensen,” said Jared and I jumped, the door pushing open. I looked up, Jared quickly shutting the door and kneeling down. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

“Where’s Y/N?” I asked, blinking a few times.

“Playing with the kids in the yard. They kinda love her already. What is going on?” he asked. I held up a hand before shrugging. “No no. You’re not getting off the hook that easy. What happened?”

“She made me coffee,” I said, Jared making a face. 

“I don’t understand what you’re-”

“Do you remember when you met Gen? You couldn’t get her out of your head for weeks. That feeling when...some part of you knows something you don’t?” I said. 

“Jay. What are-”

“Do you remember?”

“Of course I do. Why?”

“I just had it for the second time in my life,” I said. Jared sat down on his bottom, crossing his legs. “I’m kinda freaking out.”

“Y/N?” he asked. I nodded, Jared sliding over next to me. “I mean she’s pretty. She’s beautiful. You might just have a crush. I mean you don’t go anywhere anymore except the store or work or doctors appointments. Maybe it’s just cause she’s new...and you know the difference between a crush and something else. You’re sure?”

“Not to be a complete fucking sap but I only ever felt like this once in my life and that was after that first real conversation with Dee I had when we carpooled. It took me a week to figure out what it was but I knew and it’s that same…” I said. Jared nodded, throwing his arm over my shoulders. “I barely know the girl. It’s a crush. It’s a crush. That’s it. That’s all it is. That is all that it is.”

“Not to be a complete fucking sap myself but when you know dude you fucking know. You’ve been through it once and you know what it feels like. Maybe...maybe it is just a crush. But maybe she’s the one that’s gonna get you to be fucking happy again. Maybe get you back out there at least. Maybe she’s just a jumpstart huh? Not saying you’re gonna marry the girl or she’s your soulmate but maybe she’s what you need right now, right?”

“Jared. I was never going to date again. Ever. Pretty women...I didn’t care about them. I don’t think I’ve even gotten off since the accident. I just wanted to be a good father and be good at my job and that was all that was left for me,” I said. Jared sat up and shook his head but I shook mine right back. “I know that’s not what I told you but you just wouldn’t shut the fuck up about that shit so I told you what you wanted to hear.”

“Ignoring that fucked up shit, which we’re gonna fucking talking about,” he said as I rolled my eyes, “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I swore off women forever and now my stomach is doing flips like it’s my first middle school dance but it’s…”

“It’s what?”

“I talked to her for half an hour. That’s the best fucking half hour of my life these past six months. Easily. I don’t feel like shit around her and right now, I don’t feel like shit and I forgot how fucking good it feels to not feel like shit. Do you understand?” I asked. Jared nodded, pulling me into a hug. “What do I do?”

“Not feel like shit,” he said. I groaned and he rested his chin on my shoulder. “Jared.”

“If she makes you feel good and happy when you actively were against those things, what do you think she’ll be able to do for you if you give her a real chance?”

“I’m her boss. And Dee-”

“Dee doesn’t want you to spend the rest of your life being a good father and good at your job and feeling like shit and nothing else. She wants you to fall in love again and fall as hard as the first time.”

“It’s just a stupid crush,” I said. I stood up, walking across the room, putting my back to him. Only a second passed before I felt him behind me, a hand on top of my head.

“Maybe it’s a stupid crush. Maybe she is the start of your life again too.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I said, his hand sliding down to my back.

“Remember the first time I helped you shower after the accident?” he said, curling his fingers around my waist. “Bit my fucking head off the entire time while I helped you stand up.”

“Yes I remember,” I grumbled. I crossed my arms, still not turning around. 

“That was the first day I saw you after the accident that you weren’t loaded up on pain killers and you were different. You’ve been different.”

“Gee golly Jared. I wonder why?”

“Past six months...you’re still that guy in the shower yelling at me that he doesn’t need help.”

“Just because I don’t want to date again doesn’t mean I’m fucked up. I’m forty two with three little kids. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to fall in love again,” I snapped, spinning around. He nodded, smiling to himself. “What.”

“You make it sound like you’re gonna have a choice in whether you fall in love when you meet the right person.”

“I’m not gonna fucking fall in love with some girl I just met. There’s a million reasons why it won’t happen.”

“You’re not gonna have a fucking choice.”

“It’s all my choice,” I grit out. Jared shook his head and I clenched my fists.

“I’ve known you over sixteen years. Better than any other human being. I haven’t seen a real smile on your face in over half a year. Except when I came in here and you were sitting there with the stupidest grin on your face talking about Y/N. It works out, it doesn’t work out. Either way, you’re along for the fucking ride so you might as well enjoy it.”

I swallowed, glancing down.

“Have you ever lied to me in the past six months about how you’re doing? How’re you feeling? Anything?” asked Jared. The therapist lie shot to the front of my mind, logic coming in and screaming shut up, more logic coming in to say it’s Jared, it’s okay. “I’m guessing by the mental gymnastics you look like you’re going through, that’s a yes.”

“Jared-”

“I could have done a lot more to help you. I let you fester on your own and-”

“I don’t need you to take care of me. I’m an adult.” I frowned and walked in front of him, Jared pursing his lips. “Leave.”

“Jensen.”

“Leave.”

“No.” He shook his head, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I get to take care of you because I love you. If you don’t like that well tough shit.”

“Get the fuck out of my house and stay out,” I growled. Jared looked down, shaking his head and walking away. He was out of the room when my skin prickled, the happy flutter feelings gone, a pit opening up instead. “Jared. Jared.”

I went to the door, catching him halfway down the hall. 

“Jared.”

“I’m going.” He turned the corner, beanie out of view. Fuck. I ducked back in the room, sitting on the bed, toes curling into the fabric. My head was face down in my knees when the door opened softly. My eyes darted over, Jared walking back inside, pulling his beanie down over my head. “I wasn’t going anywhere. Just had to see if you’d ask for help.”

“I’m not very good at it. Obviously,” I said. 

“No. No you are not. But what’s in the past, we can’t change it. Just what’s in front. And for you that is the cute nanny that you may or may not end up falling in love with.”

“Jared I can’t love her.”

“Why not?”

“I love Dee. She was it.”

“I’m not saying to stop loving Dee. Shit she’d never want you to do that. But honestly, does she want you to be like this for the rest of your life? Or does she want you to laugh and smile and find a best friend again?”

“I know she wants me to be happy. I know what she wants. You don’t get it.”

“Then help me get it.”

“Say I fell in love again. Say I managed to find the right person and I fell in love. I gave her everything I have left and I’m happy. Then she gets in an accident one day or she has an aneurysm one day or she gets mugged one day or whatever it is. Say she doesn’t come home one day. I can’t put myself through that again. I just can’t. It would destroy me. I can’t do that again.”

“I won’t tell you what to do, Jay. I’d never say that. But you have a choice to make then from what I’m hearing you say.”

“What?”

“Stay single, be afraid of being hurt again and get by. Or risk being hurt again and maybe you get hurt, maybe you don’t, but you’ll be out there living again. Dude if you never want to date again that is completely your choice. But don’t not date because you’re afraid. It’s like I said before, like you were saying, if you find that girl, the right girl, you won’t have a choice at all.”

“She’s my employee,” I said, shifting my legs, sitting cross legged. “Not to mention I don’t even know if she’s single. You saw her. No way is a beautiful woman like that on her own. Then there’s the age difference and the kids thing and the whole I’m an actor thing and-”

“Didn’t say to propose to her. Just...put out some feelers. Maybe if the topic comes up and she’s single, mention you got a friend that’s like you, see if there’s interest.”

“God I hope she’s single,” I said. He smirked, bumping my shoulder. “Shut up.”

“Tell me about her,” he said.

“I don’t know a whole lot,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck. 

“But you like her.” I nodded, getting another bump. “I think you’re gonna marry that girl.”

“What?” I laughed. “We don’t even know if she’s single!”

“Nah, you’re gonna marry her. I got a feeling.”

“Oh I see. A feeling.” 

“I’ve known you over sixteen years and haven’t been able to get through that thick head. She’s known you half an hour and she got in without even trying. I wonder where I got that idea from,” he said. I lifted my head, Jared’s face relaxed. A lump formed in my throat and he reached out, putting a hand on my shoulder. “Jensen. I heard it in your voice when you called me just now. Something’s different.”

“I don’t want to be in a relationship,” I said. “I honestly don’t.”

“Maybe she’ll be the one to make you change your mind on that.”

“She’s not even interested in me. I’m a widow with 3 small kids. I’m away from home a lot. I’m the worst person in the world to date.”

“Maybe. But you’re a pretty good person to love and be loved by. Might just be enough, even for a grumpy Ackles.”

“She did make me coffee,” I said quietly, lip twitching up.

“Coffee?”

“I know. But it’s...I don’t know. Something...changed. She was pretty when I opened the door but when she made me coffee, that’s when I noticed that feeling.”

“Maybe she’ll make you coffee again,” he said, smirking as he stood up. “Outside.”

“Hm?”

“Outside with the cute nanny. Let’s go,” he said, dragging me off the bed to my feet. He pulled off the beanie and pushed me out of the room, being a little shit and trying to pick me up. I kicked my feet up and we both went backwards, Jared grinning and giving me that look.

“Oh you’re on little shit,” I said, flipping my leg around, Jared yelping as he got pulled down to the side. I jumped on top of him, Jared rolling me back. A spark of pain shot down my hip, Jared instantly up and off. “I’m alright.”

“You stretching it out still like you’re supposed to?” he asked. I rolled my eyes and he helped me to my feet, waiting as I did a few wide circles with my leg. “Do your at home physical therapy ya idiot.”

“I”m perfectly fine. Just save the wrestling for the rug next time,” I said. “You want to say hey to Y/N?”

“No that’s cool. I’m sure I’ll properly meet her when you’re ready for me too,” he said. “Oh and Arrow and Zeppelin ate way too much candy at my house so have fun with that.”

“I hate you.” He grinned and let out a chuckle. “Hopefully they burn off some running around out there at least.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” he said. “Do you want to grab a drink later? Maybe hit up the brewery?”

“I don’t know,” I said, rubbing my arm for a moment. 

“Do you want to be on your own tonight?” I blinked, Jared shrugging. “Might as well be point blank about it. Since you’re never lying to me again, right?”

“Let me call up the neighbors, see if the girl next door can watch the kids tonight. I wouldn’t mind a little fun,” I said. 

“Shoot me a text and I’ll swing by around eight,” he said.

“Jared.” He stopped turning to leave and I sighed. “I’m sorry I lied to you. I’m...we rarely fight. Rarely. But this is kinda big and I want to tell you the truth but I’m scared if I do you’ll walk out that door and never look back.”

“We can fight, Jensen. I’m sure we’ll have more someday. We can get pissed as hell at each other. But your ass is stuck with me forever and I’m stuck with yours. I know you and I love you and you’re my big brother. We’re not supposed to agree all the time. We’re gonna hurt each other sometimes. That’s just part of being a family though. I’ll never walk out on you just like I know you won’t do that to me. It’s different right now. I know. I don’t want this to stress you out. You got enough of that going on. Tell me when you’re ready okay?”

“I never saw a therapist. I lied to get everyone off my back when I was still...like this after a few months. I thought I could handle it on my own. I’m sorry for lying, especially to you.” Jared nodded, biting his bottom lip for a moment. “You’re angry.”

“Angry at myself, not you. I know what it’s like to feel alone, that alone. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’m sorry you’ve felt that alone Jensen. I didn’t realize you felt that badly and I should have. That’s why I’m upset. Not at you.”

“You’ve grown up more,” I said quietly.

“If we can get back to me being the one freaking out over shit and you being the adult I’d prefer that,” he chuckled. He put his hands on my shoulders and smiled. “I got your back. Always.”

“I don’t want to go to one.”

“You’re a big boy. You can decide on your own. Just...call me when you feel shitty next time?”

“I will. I promise.”

“Or to talk about Y/N,” he teased. I rolled my eyes, Jared giving me a quick hug. 

“Dick.”

“But I’m your dick. I’ll see you tonight.”

“See ya.”

______

A/N: Read Part 2 here!

#supernatural #spn #Jensen x reader #Jensen ackles #jensen ackles fanfic #Jensen series #Jensen #Jensen x nanny!reader #Jensen pov

[jawritter]

Opposites Attract

Chapter 23 (Final)

Summary: Jensen’s held up his ‘family/good guy’ image for a long time. When that image is gone or threatened, then he’s forced to do something he really doesn’t want to do. Can he learn to love her before it’s too late, and can she forgive him for the way he’s treated her since the beginning?

Chapter Warnings:  Some angst, (because I couldn’t end an angst series without at least a little bit of it! LOL) Fluff! Smut, unprotected smut, oral (female receiving) Soft smut. Open ending feels. 

Word Count: 2225

A/N: This fic is completely unbeta, so all mistakes are mine! Please do not copy my work! Feedback is golden! Enjoy!

My Masterlist    Series Masterlist  

A Little Over Four Months Later: 

Jensen fell into the hotel room in New York City, kicking off his shoes and staggering towards the bathroom, stripping his suit jacket and leaving a trail of clothing behind him as he went, murmuring something about being too damn old for this, and Y/N laughed and shook her head as she watched him, closing the door tightly behind her and locking it. 

That was her first-time watching Jensen on a red carpet. It was definitely a sight to see in person. Even if he said he never got used to the press or the attention, he was made for it, that much was clear. The camera loved him, the crowd loved him, and once the adrenaline kicked in, he loved the rush, he was just too humble to admit it. 

Y/N kicked off her own heels and made her way towards the large mirror in the room, taking out her earrings and reaching for her makeup removing wipes. Her feet were killing her. Next time, she didn’t give a damn how not fashionable it was, she was wearing flats. Whoever didn’t like it could stick their ass in some stilettos and stand there for over an hour in the heat smiling while their husband did interview after interview, see how much they liked it then. 

She wasn’t intending to complain, the Upfronts were a big part of Jensen’s career, and had been since he was on Supernatural. He’d been working his ass off over the last four months, and honestly, he deserved every bit of love and attention he got from the general public, and they didn’t know half of the struggle he had behind the scenes. They didn’t see him struggling with therapy, panic attacks, and learning how to moderate his drinking once he discovered that he may have been a little more dependent on it than was normal, but she did. She saw it all. Was there for it all. She was proud to say at the end of the day, he’d come a hell of a long way. 

The panic attacks had become noticeably less, she hadn’t seen any more cuts on him, and he swore he wasn’t cutting himself anymore, so she believed him. The drinking he’d been able to cut back considerably. He was thinking more clearly. He was in more control of his emotions. He was miles better than he was the day she found him on the floor in Hawaii. Jensen himself attributed working more again to it, and Wanda did warn both of them of a possible relapse once his schedule slowed down again. Jensen had been working so much, that honestly, the only real time the pair got alone was at night, when he finally stumbled back into whatever hotel they were staying at, whether it be in New Mexico, or whether it be in California, and he was so tired when he did, they usually just went to bed. 

Even though he was there every night, present, and lying next to her, Y/N missed him, a lot. She missed laying there when they’d first wake up in the mornings, just enjoying being close to one another, and she missed sitting with him binge watching Netflix. Eating their meals together. Just having time to be together while they were awake. 

She knew that this was part of his job, literally. Late nights, long days, very little downtime. It was all part of the gig. That didn’t make her miss her husband any less. Which was something she didn’t even know when it shifted, when she started seeing him as her husband, her real husband, but she did. Still, fear always lingered in the back corners of her mind. 

She was afraid his walls would go back up. She was afraid, even though he seemed to be making progress, that one day he’d fall hard. She was afraid that they were getting further and further apart instead of closer together. But that being said, she wasn’t about to complain or say anything to him, because he seemed to be content for the first time since they got married, and who was she to take that away from him after all he’d been through. Even if she couldn’t stop herself from thinking, ‘so much for making things worth my while Jensen’ every time he came home late from filming, or every time she’d woken up alone because he had to go in at some ungodly hour. She really did miss him. Even though she was glad he was doing better. Was that wrong? Because she sure felt guilty for it. Shouldn’t she be happy he was standing on his own two feet again?

“You gonna shower sweetheart?” Jensen asked from behind her, and she jumped as she set her earrings down on the counter. 

The scent of Jensen’s body wash covered her, and the warmth of his body made her melt against him as his arms circled around her middle, and his lips peppered their way up from her shoulder and to her throat, lingering just below her ear. She shivered against him, and he chuckled to himself. 

“No, I think I’m just gonna grab a shower in the morning before we catch our flight since it’s not as early as the last one,” she answered, melting deeper into him. 

“Good, then you got more time you can spend with me before bed,” Jensen growled playfully, and Y/N laughed and turned in his hold to face him, draping her arms over his bare and slightly damp shoulders as she was met with his sparkling green orbs filled with mischief and not at all sleepy the way she thought he’d be.  

“I thought you’d be exhausted,” Y/N mentioned, and Jensen smirked at her his eyes tracing over her face and his head cocked to the side slightly. God the man really was breathtaking. Especially in the dim New York light filtering in through the windows across the room. 

“Na, I’m actually still a little wired,” he admitted, “ and besides, that was the last bit of work I have to do for a while, I’m done filming, and I’m done with the press, I get about a four month break, and I’m so fucking ready to get to spend some more time with you, and less time chasing my own ass to keep up with a schedule.”

“Wait… we’re done? That’s it?” she questioned, and he nodded, biting down on his lip as he nodded his head. 

“Done,” he affirmed. “Press for big sky doesn’t start for another four months, and everything I need to do voiceover wise can be done from right there in Austin, which means I’m all yours for a while unless I decide to accept another roll or something.”

“Really?” She questioned, and he laughed at her disbelief. “You’re really done for a while?”

“Yeah,” he assured her, lifting her up as if she weighed nothing and carrying her over to the bed where he sat both of them down heavily. “I’m all yours for the next four months. We haven’t had any time together accept when we have an appointment with Wanda, which is just stressful as fuck, or when I come home fucking burnt out, and that’s not far, I feel like I’ve been neglecting you.”

“You haven’t been neglecting me Jensen, it’s literally part of the job,” she attempted to assure him, even though she really did feel somewhat neglected, but she was never going to tell him that. 

“That’s kinda bullshit,” Jensen countered, “because I really need to learn how to manage both and stop throwing myself into work like I used to as a distraction.”

Y/N knew Jensen well enough by now that there was no arguing with him, not when his mind was made up about something, so she just shrugged and let the argument die; mostly because it was a half-hearted one anyway. She didn’t want to be shellfish, but honestly, tonight, she was feeling a little bit selfish, and she wanted some time with him to herself in whatever way she could get it. 

Jensen brushed his fingertips over her cheeks and tucked the loose hair she’d just pulled down from her updo behind her ear, his pale green gaze searching her face as he pondered something, and fuck she wished she knew what was going on inside of his head, which was a problem she often faced. 

“What are you thinking?” she asked after a moment, and he just shook his head, and shrugged. 

“Nothing really, just trying to understand how I ended up lucky enough to have you.”

Y/N blushed furiously and shoved his shoulder as he chuckled down into his own embarrassment. 

“Whatever,” she teased him, “you just wanna get laid.”

Jensen tossed his head back in a fit of laughter, his ears burning bright red at her boldness, and he shrugged it off. “Well, it has been a little over four months.”

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, his hand slapped hard over his mouth, and Y/N could visibly see him mentally kicking himself for what he’d just said, and she tried not to let show just how much his words had stung her, because he clearly hadn’t meant to say them out loud. 

Guess that’s what she got for wanting to know what was going on in his head. 

“I– I’m sorry, that came out wrong. I should not have said that that’s not what I meant at all. I was just teasing, and it came out wrong, please don’t be mad at me, I really couldn’t care less if we never had sex again– fuck that sounded horrible to didn’t it.”

Jensen slipped her off of his lap and stood quickly before getting up to stand in front of the window with his hands buried in his still shower damp hair, swearing to himself, the towel barely clinging to his waist, and his shoulder slumped heavily. 

Y/N stood slowly, and made her way towards him, wrapping her arms around his waist and laying her head between his shoulders. She knew he hadn’t meant it the way he’d said it, this was nothing but a prodigy of being overworked, and needing to spend a lot more time together, because through it all they hadn’t learned how to be husband and wife. They had overcome a lot. No one was saying Jensen himself, as well as Y/N hadn’t come a long way, but in all the months, half a year actually, that they had been together, they still hadn’t gotten any better at that one thing, the most important thing. 

“It’s okay Jensen,” she tried after a few moments, and his hand finally came to rest on top of hers. 

“No,” he corrected her quickly, “It wasn’t okay, it’s NOT okay. I saw the look on your face, and I shouldn't have said that, even if I was just trying to make a joke it was mean, and that wasn’t my intention.”

Y/N sighed heavily and stepped in front of him between the large man standing in front of her, and the window to New York behind her before slipping her arms around his neck, but he wouldn’t look at her. The playful air he had earlier was gone, and there was a darkness there, one that tends to slip in when he least expected it, and one she’d become all too familiar with. 

“You know, I’m going to throw myself under the bus here,” Y/N stated, and Jensen finally looked down at her, but she continued before he had the chance to start an argument about her. 

“Maybe what you said stung a little, and maybe that’s because I’ve neglected you just as much as you feel like you’ve neglected me. It shouldn’t be on one person to carry a marriage, whether that’s in the bedroom, or whether that’s just in daily activities. It takes two, and I haven’t exactly been very active in giving you the attention or even the affection you deserve either. So yeah, it’s been four months since we’ve had sex, and that’s just as much half my fault. If it’s bothering you, then your comment and feelings are just as valid as mine, and maybe I find or found it offensive because it was the truth.”

“It’s not just your fault,” Jensen cut in. “It’s mine too. I haven’t exactly been very forward in what I want and that’s not just bedroom issues, that’s anything. I have a tendency to pull up in fear of a fight, and my not being honest with you or not being open is the cause of a lot of issues we still have in dancing around one another.”

Jensen took a step forward and cupped her cheek before bringing his lips down to hers, kissing her deeply before resting his forehead against her own and just holding her there. 

“I know, I know we’ve started over again and again. We started over in Hawaii, we started over in therapy, but we never really started over to me because honestly, I can’t take back or make better what I did when we first got married, no matter what I do or no matter what I say, and we still keep dancing around each other in a strange, repetitive, vicious cycle of bullshit, and that’s mostly my fault, it not all my fault, so, let’s start over for real this time.”

“What do you mean?” she questioned as he let her go and walked over to his suitcase before grabbing a small item out of a box and returning to her. 

She watched in silence as he slipped his arms around her waist and grabbed her hand in his before slipping something on her finger, and she looked down to find the most beautiful, elegant engagement ring she’d ever seen there, and his hand still gripping tightly to her own as she looked up at him in utter confusion. 

“I’m not gonna get down on one knee, because nothing we’ve ever done together has ever been conventional, and honestly, we’ve both been on the floor enough throughout our entire time together, so I’m not gonna start it on the floor again now.”

Y/N narrowed her eyes at him, and opened her mouth to speak, but Jensen placed a finger over her lips, stopping her in her tracks. 

“I don’t really know how it happened,” he started. “I don’t really remember making a continuous decision to love you, but I do. I love you Y/N. You’ve gotten under my skin in a way I would have never thought possible. I don’t think I’d still be alive if it weren’t for you. You stepped in and saved me, when most people would have just let me wallow in the mess that I created because God knows I deserved it, and I’ve treated you poorly from the beginning. So that being said, I want to do it right this time. I want to start it all over again, for the third time, but this time, I want to give you what you deserve from me as a husband and a helpmate, not some wallowing, abusive mental case. Will you marry me again? Be my wife for real this time? No contracts. No paperwork. No lawyers and media or press. Just you and me?”

Y/N’s emotions gripped her throat tight, and his thumb traced her cheek, whipping away the tear that slipped down her face. 

“I love you too Jensen, even though you think that you don’t deserve it, and I can’t tell you when it happened either, but I do, and I’d love nothing more than to be your wife for real this time, if that’s what you really want.”

“It’s all I want, It’s all I wanted for a while now,” Jensen assured her before capturing her lips again in a deep, slightly heated kiss. 

Their problems weren’t fixed, and maybe they never would be, but of all the times they started over, and of all the times they tried to fix what was broken, this time she had just a little hope that they could start it off on the right foot again. This time, things might get better. This time, two people that shouldn’t have ever even been in one another’s orbit, that were forced into one another’s life, could start it off with love and not resentment. One shaky step forward, and this time, none back, even if they mis stepped from time to time. They’d step together, and that’s all that mattered. 

Jensen’s fingers found the zipper on her dress, and pulled it down slowly as he continued to explore her lips with his own, his tongue easily dominating hers and stealing her breath away as the fabric fell to the ground, and he picked up her and carried her toward the bed, only breaking their kiss as he dropped her down gently on the mattress before he followed her, kissing his way down her neck as he kicked the towel to the floor from around his waist, leaving himself bare before gently removing her bra from behind her back, his hooded gaze never leaving her own until his mouth claimed hers again before working his way down her body, worshiping her, taking his time over each prefect breast before kissing her way down her stomach to her hips, leaving feather light touches across her skin as he slowly moved her underwear, and tossed them across the room. 

Jensen’s hand reached up to find her own, lacing their fingers together as he licked a long strip over her dampening folds, humming as her back arched slightly before he quickly dived in, licking and sucking at her sex like it was going to be his last meal, sending her barreling towards the edge as her legs shook around him, but he never let go of her hand, even as he worked her through her first release, moaning slightly at the taste of her as he made sure to get all that she had to give him, he never let her go, and he was determine he’d never let her go again. 

When the room finally stopped spinning, and her body finally stopped convulsing, Y/N opened her eyes to see the most astonishing pair of green gems staring back down into her own. There was nothing clouding them as they usually were. There was just love there, and it was a look that quite honestly took her breath away. She gasps as he slowly guided his full length into her still quivering heat, his eyes closing and his head dropped down to her shoulder and he groaned into his first full thrust, keeping a slow and steady, yet somehow impossibly deep pace as his free hand snacked its way around her leg and kept her fused tightly to him, making his thrust more a deep roll of his hips than just some carnal, quick fuck. 

As corny as it sounded, as stupid as some people might think she was, in that moment as he rolled himself into her, over and over again, driving their bodies higher and higher, through every moan and harsh breath that left each of their bodies, she was sure of one thing, that was that night, on that hotel bed, no walls up, just two bare and broken people, their souls touched one another. Two, became one. Two worlds that should have never been in one another’s orbit collied, and there was no undoing it or separating it. She loved this man, no matter how much more attractive than her, or how unlikely a pair the rest of the world might think they were. He was hers; she was his. 

Her walls crumbled around him, and she came with a gasp of surprise at just how intense, not only her own release, as well as his, but at just how much one person could love someone, flaws and all. 

There would always be issues for them, there would always be problems. Things for them would always be harder than they were because of the hand they were dealt at the very beginning and no amount of do overs could change that, but she’d love, scares all. Two opposites attract. Love is a battlefield, and one that’d tackle together this time. No matter how much it hurts at times, or how hard it was to just get out of bed in the morning. They loved one another, and that’s all she’d ever need.

Forever Tags:

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Jensen and Dean’s Babes

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Jensen’s Babes:

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@sexysirius​

#opposites attract #jensen ackles #jensen ackles x reader #jensen ackles x you #jensen ackles x series #jensen x you #jensen x reader #jensen ackles x y/n #jensen x y/n #jensen ackles series #jensen series #spn series #spn fanfiction #spn fanfic #x reader inserts #rpf #real person fiction #dean winchester #jawritter

[soldirboy]

yeah i don't care..

#the boys series #jensen ackles #soldier boy x reader #spn fanfic #supernatural fic #supernatural fanfiction #castiel #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester fanfiction #soldier boy fanfiction #castiel x reader #supernatural x reader #ao3 #ao3 fanfic #ao3 feed

[fanfrelon]

Jensen Ackles as Dean Winchester in Supernatural

#jensen ackles #dean winchester #supernatural #series #hot #pec #tummy #jensenacklesedit #deanwinchesteredit #spnedit #seriesedit #hotstuffedit #my edits #2402

[haveyouseenthisseries-poll]

#tv series #tv show #polls #supernatural #jensen ackles #jared padalecki #misha collins #2000s series #us american series #have you seen this series poll

[tom-whore-dleston]

Side Effects of Soldier Boy

Pairing: Soldier Boy/Ben x f. reader

Word Count: 391

This fic contains: smut, literally PWP, drug use, unprotected sex, dirty talk, swearing, degradation, Soldier Boy doesn't pull out

Summary: Soldier Boy tries to keep you quiet during sex.

Notes: Wake up babes, Jordan discovered a new hottie to write about lmaoo Anyways, I know Soldier Boy is a walking red flag but unfortunately, I see the world through rose colored glasses hadshghsdl This is another submission for @flashfictionfridayofficial's prompt no. 239: Seal it Tight. Lowkey, I've been on a role with these quick fics, I don't want it to stop.

Sex with Soldier Boy was addicting. You would say it was more addicting than the cocaine that coursed your system. The blow was essentially the gateway drug to Ben.

The side effects: uncontrolled moans and orgasms that made your soul leave your body.

The two of you found yourselves in a rundown motel room, where Ben plowed you into the mattress at superhuman speed. His strong hand clasped over your mouth, in hopes to seal your cries of pleasure from the outside world. Considering how cocky of a bastard he is, it was bold of him to assume that simply covering your mouth would keep you quiet.

“Mmm, baby, those moans are so pretty, but so loud.” The supe grunted through clenched teeth. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head as Ben’s pulsing cock stretched your walls. You gushed around him, causing each thrust to echo through the dainty room.

“God damn, even this pussy is loud,” Soldier Boy chuckled, making you throb. “Think you want the neighbors to hear me fuck the shit out of you, huh?” 

His dirty talk was no help to hushing your moans. Yet, it did push you closer to that sweet release you craved. With Ben being the instigator he is, he knew damn well what he was doing. 

The pit in your stomach was growing and it was only a matter of time before it exploded. You pumped your hips up to meet his and he took this as a signal to deepen his strokes until his balls slapped your ass. You were one step away from the edge when Ben removed his hand from your mouth to throw both of your legs over his shoulders.

“Fuck it, let the neighbors hear you. Let ‘em know how much of a slut you are for me.”

That euphoric bliss finally washed over you like a crisp ocean wave. You could have drowned under the wave but a kiss from Ben brought you back to shore. The handsome supe slammed into you one last time before filling you with his seed. He crashed onto the empty side of the bed, fingers lazily tangling between yours. The two of you laid there, staring at the cracked ceiling while catching your breaths. Just as you were coming down your high, you already itched for another hit.

Navigation | Fanfic Masterlist | Soldier Boy Masterlist

header credit: @saradika | divider credit: @firefly-in-darkness

#flash fiction friday #fff239 #soldier boy #the boys #the boys series #jensen ackles #jensen ackles soldier boy #soldier boy x reader #soldier boy x female reader #soldier boy x you #soldier boy smut #soldier boy fic #soldier boy fan fic #soldier boy imagine #jensen ackles x reader #jensen ackles x you #jensen ackles x female!reader #jensen ackles fic #jensen ackles fanfiction #the boys fanfic #the boys fic

[zepskies]

Series Masterlist - Take Me Home

Pairing: Beau Arlen x F. Reader 

Summary: You are another lost soul at Sunny Day Excursions. You’re aiming to settle in Helena, Montana, where Beau Arlen is the new sheriff in town. But you both have a past you’re running from. 

AN: Welcome to my first ever Big Sky series! This is set towards the beginning of season 3.

Series Tags/Warnings: (**18+ only!) Angst and grief/trauma, PTSD, canon murder mystery, eventual smut.

🎵 Listen While You Read: The TMH Playlist

Chapters:

Part 1: All of Her Days

Part 2: It's Not Right, But It's Okay

Part 3: Welcome Home

Part 4: A Past & Future Thing

Part 5: Not That Simple

Part 6: A Man or a Coward

Part 7: On the Edge of a Knife

Part 8: Take Me Home

Part 9: A Choice to Make

Series complete!

Bonus One-Shots:

A Good Man Is Hard to Find** When Beau starts pulling away from you and Emily during a very difficult case, will the pressure make or break your relationship?

A Crime of Passion** When Beau Arlen decides to “make it up to you,” he’s damn thorough.

Ko-Fi Me ☕

Big Sky Masterlist

Main Masterlist

Series Tag List:

Comment below if you’d like to be tagged in this series!

@kazsrm67 @letheatheodore @agothwithheavysetmakeup @jacklesbrainworms @foxyjwls007 @wincastifer @iamsapphine @simpforbuckyb @roseblue373 @brianochka @branj19 @globetrotter28 @hazel-eye-coffee-shop-girl-blog @ades106

@charmed-asylum @waywardxwords @deanwinchestersgirl87 @this-is-me19 @rachiem4-blog @sweettimelady @leigh70 @clinicallydepresso @emily-winchester @xiphoidbones @skoveu @nyotamalfoy @kmc1989 @deans-baby-momma @tabsluvsu @samanddeaninatrenchcoat @deanwanddamons

@antisocialcorrupt @lacilou @deans-daydream @deans-spinster-witch @agalliasi @venicesem @chriszgirl92 @lyarr24 @iprobablyshipit91 @ladysparkles78 @solariklees @lostin-jensenseyes @deansbbyx @candy-coated-misery0731 @curlycarley @sarahgracej @bagpussjocken @deanfreakingwinchester @chernayawidow

#Take Me Home Masterlist #Beau Arlen series #big sky #beau arlen #beau arlen x reader #beau arlen x female reader #beau arlen x you #Beau Arlen smut #romance #hurt/comfort #fluff #jenny hoyt #denise brisbane #cassie dewell #Emily Arlen #Jensen Ackles characters #big sky season 3 #zepskies writes

[loversofthegrave]

pre-series baby sammy n dean. those little spuds grew up in each others pockets

#i love finding old photos #pretend they are sam n dean not jared n jensen #supernatural #spn #sam/dean #sam winchester #dean winchester #pre-series dean #sammy #pre-series sam

[lostgirl677]

They didn't destroy you

One-shot

Dean Winchester x Fem!Reader

Established relationship

Masterlist

Summary: After Dean escaped Hell, he's still traumatized and Y/N helps him through it.

A/N: It takes place at the beginning of season 4

A terrifying scream tore through the night, waking me up with a start and making my heart beat faster. Even in my hazy state, I already knew who it was. I tried to open my tired eyes completely, then jumped out of bed to quickly get up and ran to his bed. The sight broke my heart. Dean, the fearless hunter and one of the bravest men I knew, lying here, shivering. Dean was drenched in sweat and tears, and he was all tangled in his bedsheets. I knew he was having a nightmare again. I slowly approached his bedside. “Dean”, I called softly while shaking his shoulder but he fought back. “Dean, wake up,” I said again as I kept shaking him. His eyes suddenly shot open and his body jolted as he sat up on the bed. His hands gripped my shoulders, making me jump back. He looked at me, completely panicked and his breathing was seriously labored. I could almost hear his heart beating.

“Dean, it’s okay. You are fine. You are awake, it’s over.” I attempted as I wiped his tears and reassuringly caressed his arms. “Y/N?” he asked, a bit stunned, with a clear relief in his voice. I smiled a bit at him and answered “Yeah, it’s me.” He looked anxiously around us and realization seemed to strike him and he suddenly released his grip on my shoulders. But it was to immediately wrap his arms around my belly. My heart literally skipped a beat at his gesture and goosebumps formed all over my skin. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… I hope I didn’t hurt you.” he said with a raspy voice as he buried his face in my shirt. I melted in his tender embrace and hugged him back while caressing his hair gently. I could feel his tears soaking my shirt. “It’s okay. Don’t worry.” I assured him softly. His embrace slowly became tighter and tighter with each of my words, and his sobs grew louder. My heart shattered in a thousand pieces at the sight of this broken man. The man I loved more than anything. Dean would normally never let me see this part of him. But that night showed me how broken he really was.

For a moment, it was like we were apart from the world around us. It was just him and I, with his uncontrollable sobs for background noise. The worst was that I couldn’t possibly console him. Not after what he’s been through in Hell. Nothing could ease such trauma and pain. So, instead of talking, I just kept caressing his hair. But suddenly, I felt Dean removing his head from my shirt and I immediately looked at him, concerned. His eyes were red and puffy from crying and his cheeks were tearstained. Gently, my hand made its way to his face to wipe the stray tears, and he leaned his head on my hand. And he just looked at me, his eyes piercing through my soul. Silent tears were still escaping his eyes. He kept staring at me, in silence, as the tears still escaped his eyes. His eyes had lost their youthful shine. The only thing making them shine, now, was the tears.

Then, he opened his mouth and broke the silence. “Back there.” he said, gulping. “Back there, I yelled your name endlessly. Till my throat hurt, till I lost my voice.” he added, as his voice broke a little. I felt my eyes pricking a bit at his words. And before I could say something, I heard him taking a breath. “I never stopped thinking about you. You helped me to not turn into one of them. You were my anchor to my humanity. To everything I ever believed in. They kept beating me, torturing me till my body fell apart. Just to rebuild it and to do it all over again. They kept  saying terrible things about you and Sam. That you had forgotten about me, that you never loved me. But sometimes, I was able to remember the loving gaze you always give me, all your loving words. I was so scared to become a demon and that you…” his voice completely broke this time. Tears were now falling freely on my cheeks, completely overwhelmed by what he said. Images of what he had been through were flashing in my mind, making his words even more impactful as I let my imagination take over.

Dean stretched his right hand to slowly stroke my cheek with his calleous thumb. A small smile appeared on my face. His soft side was still there, meaning they failed to destroy him. Slowly, I bent my knees to give him a gentle kiss on his rosy lips. At first a bit surprised, he kissed me back, closing his eyes as he melted in my contact. I then ended the kiss and carefully sat next to him. His hand lightly took mine and his eyes were still on me. “Dean.”, I began softly. “What you are telling me proves that the demons failed miserably. They didn’t destroy you. You are still the most loving, and the most selfless person I know.” His eyes became a bit brighter as tears appeared again. “Those fuckers are just liars. They know nothing about love. About you. About us. They don’t know all the things I did to try to get you back. They don’t know how much I love you. They are unable to fathom a love like ours. I’m going to help you through it. We’ll fight the nightmares together.” I made a pause and looked at his face. The expression of his eyes, full of love,  made my heart swell. “I love you, Y/N” was all he said. But he didn’t need to add anything else. All the unspoken words he wanted to say could be read in his eyes. And he leaned again for a soft kiss.

After that kiss, I finally got up to get him a glass of water but a gentle hand snaked around my wrist and his broken voice whispered “ Please, don’t leave me.”  I turned my head to look in his direction.I surrendered the idea of water and simply replied softly “I didn’t have the intention to.” I swiftly closed the distance between us and embraced him in my arms. After a few minutes in this position, I made a gesture to invite Dean to lay down. And we finally both laid down on the bed. Dean cried a bit longer on my chest before falling asleep. “I love you.” I mumbled as I placed a kiss on his forehead and I soon fell asleep too.

@hobby27

#dean winchester #dean winchester x reader #supernatural #supernatural imagine #supernatural x reader #jensen ackles #jensen ackles x reader #supernatural x you #dean winchester x you #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural series #supernatural fandom #spn #spn fanfic #spn fanfiction #supernatural season 4 #dean winchester imagine #dean winchester one shot

[anundyingfidelity]

soldier boy core

#soldier boy #soldier boy/ben #soldier boy the boys #soldier boy jensen ackles #the boys series #the boys amazon prime #the boys #jensen ackles #the boys soldier boy

[lilacevans]

𝑛𝑜𝑤, 𝑖 𝑑𝑜 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑎𝑠𝑘… 𝑗𝑢𝑠𝑡 𝑤ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑎𝑐𝑡𝑢𝑎𝑙 𝑓𝑢𝑐𝑘 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑔𝑜𝑡𝑡𝑒𝑛 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑓 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑜?

— lila’s secret project🤎

#chris evans #chris evans edit #chris evans gifs #chris evans fic #lila's gif sets #lila's gifs #pete brenner #lloyd hansen #curtis everett #jake jensen #steve rogers #ari levinson #— lila’s secret project🤎 #chris evans smut #arranged series #lloyd hansen fic #pete brenner fic #curtis everett fic #lloyd hansen imagine #chris evans imagine

[jawritter]

Opposites Attract

Chapter 9

Summary: Jensen’s held up his ‘family/good guy’ image for a long time. When that image is gone or threaten, then he’s forced to do something he really doesn’t want to do. Can he learn to love her before it’s too late, and can she forgive him for the way he’s treated her since the beginning?

Chapter Warnings:  Angst, Things are discussed, Could it be we find some common ground? 

Word Count: 3240

A/N: This fic is completely unbeta, so all mistakes are mine! Please do not copy my work! Feedback is golden! Enjoy!

My Masterlist     Series Masterlist  

The first thing that made sense to Y/N as she started to wake with the light of the morning filtering through the window, was the pounding headache probably brought on by the amount of wine she’d drank at the restaurant last night. Second was the fact that her mouth was so dry it felt as if it had somehow turned into the Sahara Desert overnight, again, most likely the wine. Last, but not least, was that she was alone in the bed. 

Now that she thought about it, she wasn’t sure that Jensen ever came to bed last night at all. He was the one that suggested that they share a bed after all, but it seemed he had chickened out. In fact, after their little fight at the restaurant, if you could call it that, they had had much more spectacular fights in their short time together, he’d barely said a word to her at all. He just changed silently into his pj’s after his shower, and then made his way to the living room area of the little home, and sat down alone in the dark on the couch. 

Y/N was so mentally and physically exhausted that she didn’t care much last night whether or not he came to bed. She just showered once he’d finished and fell face first on the side of the bed she’d designated as ‘her side’, and fell asleep hard. She didn’t remember feeling him ever join her in the bed last night at all now that she thought of it

She rolled herself over slowly, cracking one of her eyes as she pulled the covers far enough away from her face to look around the room, no Jensen, but he wasn’t far, the open door revealed him sitting on the same couch she’d left him on last night, a glass of what looked like whiskey in his hand, and his hair a mess. The clock on the wall told her that it wasn’t even ten in the morning yet and he was already drinking, great.

She laid back down into the cocoon of pillows and blankets around her with a huff, not ready to get out of bed and face him just yet. 

She really didn’t understand why he’d had the reaction he’d had last night to their little spat.  Maybe she’d gone too far when she’d threatened to leave him and go back to California, but honestly, who in their right mind would tolerate being treated the way he’d treated her? What did he expect from her? She’d gone a hell of a lot easier on him than he deserved, that was for sure, and she just wasn’t ready to accept his apology yet and sooth his ego, because honestly, he was going to have to prove just how sorry he was to her. Words at this point meant nothing. 

She was just about to give up on her stewing and drag herself out of bed to face the music when his phone rang, and she froze in place. 

Jensen signed heavily, apparently not very happy to see the person’s name on the other end of the screen, and swore under his breath, which made her chest tighten with fear of just what could be on the other line. 

“Hello,” his deep, whisky rough voice answered, Y/N strained to hear who was on the other end of the line, literally holding her breath. 

“Hey mom… Yeah, yeah, I’m okay.”

Suddenly Y/N felt horrible for listening in on his conversation, and started to get up and out of bed, but she was afraid he’d see her and think she was Eve's dropping on purpose. Damn him for renting such a small house!!

“No,” he said after a pause. “We’re in Hawaii.”

Y/N remembered Jensen telling her that even his parents didn’t know where he was taking her, she guessed he wasn’t as big of a lair as she tagged him to be after all. 

“I don’t think so mom,” he said after a long moment. “I really have messed this up from the beginning. I don’t think there’s a way of fixing it.”

“Yeah, Yeah, I know that…”

Y/N didn’t want to lift the covers to check for sure, but she was almost sure she could hear his voice crack as if he were crying? Maybe it was just the fact that it was so early and he was already drinking that made his voice rough. Maybe she was overthinking things. Fuck she really did not want to invade his privacy this way, she felt like she’d already done that enough when she was forced on him the way she was, but she felt more and more trapped the longer the conversation went on. 

After a long pause of what Y/N was sure was Jensen’s mother lecturing him for whatever, good or bad because she could not hear to be certain, Jensen let out a long, deep breath, and cleared his throat. 

“I know, I’m going to try, but I can’t make anyone any promises… No, we haven’t, but an annulment is going to be completely up to her. I’m not going to make her stay with someone like me, but I’m not going to ask her to leave either. Maybe that’s a little bit of a dick move, but our choice has been taken away from us so much in this whole situation that I’m going to let her have this one.”

The lump that gathered in Y/N’s throat was so impressive that she almost had to cough before she could swallow again. 

He sounded so done, so defeated. She’d not heard this side of him before, even when he came home completely waisted and was so hung over the next day he spent most of the day hanging over the toilet. 

“If she decides to stay with me I’ll talk to her about it when we get home… Sure, I’ll let you know… Love you too.”

Y/N heard the phone drop to the table and Jensen sighed again as he sat back on the small loveseat. She knew she couldn’t hide away in the bed forever, so she waited a beat to make it look as if she wasn’t listening in on his phone call, and sat up slowly in the bed, with the movement his red rimmed eyes shot to her and back down to his lap as he started to chew on his lower lip and twisting his glass in his hand as if he were nervous. 

It took all the will power in her to stand up from that bed and make her way into the small living space where he was sitting. Not because she was afraid of him, not really, it was because she was afraid of the conversation that was surely coming. It was going to be a make or break, because if she decided to stay with him, then there was no going back for her, this was it, she was in it for life, especially if he held true to what he told his mother and didn’t file for the annulment himself. 

Looking at the man as she walked into the room and sat down in the small chair across from him, the glass coffee table sitting in between them like a battle line drawn, ready for one of them to look up and cross it, she was almost certain that if she walked out of her right now and never looked back, it would distroy him, or he would do something really stupid and distroy himself. Either way there was no good outcome for him. It was just something her gut was telling her. The man was ready to end it all if she left him. It was just something she just knew. Mentally, he wasn’t well. 

“We need to talk,” he said after a moment of silence passed between them, keeping his eyes low and twisting the empty crystal glass between his fingers. 

“Yeah, we do,” she agreed, “and this time let’s try to do it like adults and not like petty children or yelling at one another.”

Jensen nodded, but didn’t look up. Instead he just continued to speak mostly to his knees. It made him look so much smaller than she’d ever thought possible with such a tall, thick, brooding of a man. 

“I’m not going to apologize to you again for how I’ve acted, because every time I try to apologize to you we end up in another fight,” he stated as if he’d given this a lot of long thought. “I understand why you don’t want to forgive me, not that I ever really asked you too, and I understand why you don’t believe me. There’s nothing I can say or do to change that.” 

Y/N sat silently and watched as a range of emotions passed over his face before he looked out of the window, and ran a hand down his face before looking her in the eyes for the first time since she’d sat down. Then there it was again. That dark, soulless, shell of a person staring back at her just like it had the first day she’d met him in Mr. Carter’s office. 

“If you want to leave, I’ll book your flight back to LA and I’ll pay for the annulment once you’ve filed it,” he continued. “I’m not going to try and do anything to take you down or hurt your reputation. I’ll make sure that Mr. Carter gives you your job back, and I’ll pay for whatever collateral damage having been with me probably has caused. It’s solely my fault that we are even in this mess to begin with, so I’m the one that should take responsibility for it.” 

“And, if I choose to stay,” she asked in a small voice, and she was taken aback by the tears that formed in his eyes that he refused to let fall. It was the first real emotion that he’d shown since she’d met the man, even if he wasn’t looking at her again.

“I don’t understand why you would,” Jensen stated matter of factly with a confused expression on his face, “but I’m not going to twist your arm to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“Okay,” Y/N nodded, taking the approach to this conversation that was probably more appropriate for a child than a grown man, but talking to Jensen this way always felt like a ticking time bomb, and if you stepped wrong or said somethting to set him off this conversation was going to go no where. “Well, my next question is, do you want me to stay?” 

“Why does it matter what I want?” Jensen inquired, turning his head slightly as he looked at her like she was nuts. 

“Just, humor me,” she said, face as stoney as his own. “Tell me the truth, do you want me to stay here, or do you want me to go back to California and file for an annulment?”

Jensen swallowed thickly, his eyes shifting nervously. She could tell by the look on his tired face this was not the direction he anticipated the conversation going when he started it. 

“I… I don’t really want you to leave,” he admitted reluctantly after a moment. 

Y/N nodded again, watching him as if he could explode at any moment. 

“And is that becau-”

“It’s not because I’d lose my career if that’s what you’re about to say,” Jensen interrupted, looking down and scratching at his hair harshly with his free hand. 

Y/N could tell he was getting irritated, and she didn’t want him to turn this into a fight, but she was really curious now as to why he wanted her to stay. It was certainly not the answer she’d been expecting. 

“Then, can you enlighten me? Because so far all I’ve got from you since I walked into Mr. Carter’s office is that you don’t want anything to do with me.”

Jensen nodded, a grim look on his face and just shook his head, clearly he was not done with this conversation already, but they kept dancing around one another and didn’t get things straight between them, then things were just going to get worse and worse between them, she knew that. So like it or not, if he wanted her to stay, he needed to level with her. 

“Did Mr. Carter tell you how you ended up with me?” Jensen questioned, searching her face as she sat there silently across from him. 

“Because you got caught with two randoms in a motel room,” she retorted, turning her head thoughtfully, “possibly ruining your reputation and your career.”

“Yeah, that’s what I did, but did he tell you why he chose you to marry me, and not any of the other fifty women in the office working that day?”

Y/N blinked in confusion, and Jensen snorted, shaking his head in disgust as he stood and made his way over to the small island that separated the living area from the kitchen where the whiskey bottle he’d been drinking from sat. Y/N wanted to call him out on the fact that it wasn’t even noon yet, but she knew better than to push him that far. 

“He said that the industry wanted me to marry, and these are his words, not mine, ‘under my league.’ Literally the girl next door makes the handsome actor fall for her, some Cinderella bullshit or something like that, and I promise you, I'm softening the blow here, he was not near as nice as I just said it,” Jensen said as he flopped back down on the small couch. 

Y/N swallowed thickly, blinking back the tears that suddenly wanted to spring forth without her permission. She had trusted and respected Mr. Carter. Learning this hurt, it hurt a lot, and she could tell by the look on Jensen’s face he wasn’t lying, not that he had a reason too. 

“Why are you telling me this?” Y/N asked, “What? Kick the dog while she’s down? What does that have to do with the reason you’d want me to stay?”

“I never said you were a dog,” Jensen corrected her. “He literally gave me no other choice. PR marriages are a thing in Hollywood, everyone knows it. Usually they pair you with another actor or someone else in the industry, but he said they literally wanted to ‘shake the Hollywood off of me’. It– made me so angry. They took my choice away. Our choice. They forced us into something that just…”

Jensen let his sentence trail off and closed his eyes as he tried to pull back his own emotions but failed miserably as a stray tear started to leak down his face before he looked her in the eye again. 

“I don’t really know why I want you to stay, and that’s the truth. But you did have a right to know what happened the day you walked into that office.”

Jensen reached up to run his hand down his face again, and this time she was paying attention as his shirt lifted slightly, revealing thin cuts along his inner bicep, and she instinctively reached for his arm for a better look, he jumped back as if she had tried to burn him, and she dropped her hand into her lap, pulling his shirt back down quickly. 

“Jensen, if this is even going to work at all, you’re going to have to start treating me like a human. You said it yourself, what I would really have to go back to in California if I did leave isn’t much better than what I have here. So I’m not going to go anywhere, but if you ever, and I mean EVER raise a hand to me again, I’m gone.”

Jensen nodded, before sitting his glass down on the coffee table between them with a shaky hand. 

“Have you slept at all?” she asked, watching his movements. 

“I laid down on the floor for a while, but I didn’t sleep really,” he admitted, his hand ideally going to up to rub his arm where she’d seen the cuts. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to know how they got there, and for the first time she didn’t see him as a monster, but she saw him as someone who was hurting, and had been hurt, really REALLY bad. That didn’t excuse the way he’d treated her, but it did make her worry about just how deep this rabbit whole really went, or just how mentally he might be, and to scared to too stubborn to ask for help. 

“Jensen, you didn’t have to lay on the floor, you said we could share the bed, but if you didn’t want to sleep next to me then I probably could have made the couch work –”

“That’s not it,” Jensen said, “I just knew I wasn’t going to be able to sleep and I didn’t see the point of keeping you awake and miserable with me.”

Y/N reached for him again, and Jensen flinched away before mumbling something that sounded like ‘sorry’, before standing to his feet. 

“Maybe I should try to go and lay down for a little while and get at least an hour of sleep, then if you want we can go for a walk down by the water just to get out of this little house for a little bit.”

Y/N nodded, and let him get up and make his way over to the only bed in the room. 

She didn’t want to feel sorry for him, she wanted to be mad at him, make him suffer, but maybe he was already suffering enough on his own without her help, and the scary part about it is she didn’t think there was a chance in hell he was going to let her pull him out. He’d gladly just drown. 

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#opposites attract #jensen ackles #jensen ackles x reader #jensen ackles x you #jensen x reader #jensen x you #jensen ackles series #jensen series #spn fanfiction #spn fanfic #spn series #x reader inserts #jensen ackles x y/n #jensen x y/n #rpf #real person fiction #jawritter

[jarchaeology]

THE SCANNER SERIES: THE EARLY YEARS [JCPenney Back-To-School Catalog Sale] sale prices valid until: October 10, 1989

#the scanner series #the scanner series: the early years #jensen ackles #HAS THERE EVER BEEN ANYTHING CUTER THAN THIS PHOTO? #NO #there hasn't #happy fucking birthday to #carryonthiswaylikewedidbefore

[soldirboy]

#the boys series #soldier boy #jensen ackles #the boys season 3 #soldier boy x reader #jensen ackles fic #jensen ackles soldier boy #jensen ackles fanfiction #spn fanfic #spn #dean winchester fanfiction #dean winchester fic #dean winchester #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural #destiel #castiel x dean #castiel

[lamentationsofalonelypotato]

You Call It Madness But I Call It Love

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Pairing: Soldier Boy x f!reader, Reader POV

Summary: When the reader left Payback 40 years ago after a falling out with her childhood best friend she never looked back, but when two men show up to her apartment and start asking her questions about the past, the reader begins to think those things can’t stay hidden and starts to question what’s real and what’s fantasy.  This is a re-telling of The Boys Season 3, where the reader is a supe who's known Soldier Boy since 1927. The chapters fluctuate between past and present, beginning in 1934. SPOILERS FOR THE BOYS S3

Chapter 1: You Shouldn't Have Answered the Door

Chapter 2: Late Night Visitor

Chapter 3: Summer Has to End Someday

Chapter 4: It's My Party and I'll Eat Cake If I Want To

Chapter 5: The Man, The Myth, The Legend

Chapter 6: Batter Up

Chapter 7: Are We Old Friends Or Old Enemies?

Chapter 8: Jealousy Doesn't Look Good On Anybody Except...

Chapter 9: Wedding Bells or Gong of Destruction?

Chapter 10: How Did It End Up Like This?

Chapter 11: I Can't Think With You Yelling At Me!

Chapter 12: My Heart Is Beating For You Constantly

Chapter 13: You Made A Plaything Out of Romance

Chapter 14: You're All I'm Dreaming Of

Chapter 15: Coming Soon!

Last Updated: 04/24/2024

***************************************

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Taglist: @roseblue373 @anundyingfidelity @cheynovak @cassiecasluciluce @muhahaha303 @deans-spinster-witch @kayleighmeister @demodemo909 @fruitfacess @bobbobbobinogs @bughill126, @simplyfixated @sleepjam, @tiredstrangerr @freefallthoughts,@onlyangel-444 @lov3vivian @mxltifxnd0m @mayafatimakhan @marvel-mistress @my-obsession-spn @lifeonawhim @soldirboy @liuope @brynanna

(Photos on mood board from Pinterest)

#jensen ackles soldier boy #soldier boy x reader #soldier boy x you #soldier boy x female reader #the boys fanfic #the boys series #soldier boy #soldier boy fanfiction #the boys amazon #jensen ackles #soldier boy/ben #soldier boy fic #the boys season 3 #jackles #billy butcher #homelander #hughie campbell #the boys #the boys s3

[wildwestdean]

sweet and sour

summary: when you get back home after drinking a little too much, a sweeter side of ben slips out to take care of you. though you quickly learn that with him, you can't have any sweet without a little sour

pairing: soldier boy x female reader

word count: 3.2k+

warnings: some (mainly) ooc ben, swearing, depictions of alcohol consumption, drunk reader, angst, mentions of drug use, allusions to past sexual behaviours, fluff, hurt/comfort, nicknames/pet names

a/n: okay so i haven't actually made it to soldier boy's appearance in the boys yet, but i had a burning desire to write for him anyway. so yeah just don't judge pls lol

“What the fuck are you doing?” boomed a voice from behind you. 

You jumped slightly at the sudden noise, but turned with a grin upon recognizing whose voice it was. 

“Ben!” you giggled, meeting his confused gaze with bright eyes as you slightly swayed on your feet. “What’re you doing?”

He raised an eyebrow at you, trying to fight off the smirk forming on his lips as he ignored your question. “Looks like you had a good time out, huh, sweetheart?”

You couldn’t help the heat that rose to your cheeks at the term of endearment, or the string of giggles that left your lips. It wasn’t anything you weren’t used to, but it never failed to make you giddy - especially now. “I did!” you announced, before a frown suddenly took over your face as you remembered why you were in the kitchen “But now I want another drink, and I can’t find anythin’.” 

Ben just stared at you for a moment, taking in your rosey cheeks and glossy eyes; but most importantly, the frown that currently adorned your adorable face. He would never admit it, not even to himself, but he suddenly wanted nothing more than for that frown to disappear. 

“Alright,” he sighed, heading over to you. “What do you want?” 

You watched as he approached, taking in his more casual appearance of a t-shirt and sweats - and, you noticed with a shy grin, a pair of old man slippers. He came to a stop just before you, and you paused as you stared up at his stoic face while he towered over you. You didn’t even hear his question, too distracted by his overwhelming everything to even realize he asked something. 

He softly called your name to rouse you from your stupor, repeating it a little more gruffly when it didn’t work the first time. “What?” you asked, blinking up at his annoyed yet smirking face. 

“I asked you what you wanted,” he murmured. 

“Oh,” you said, your face scrunching together as you thought about it for a few moments. “I dunno,” you determined with a shrug. 

“And you expect me to find something for you?” he asked curtly, his brows rising in disbelief.  

Your brow unfurrowed as you grinned up at him. “Yes, please!” you declared eagerly, oblivious to the fact that he did not want to cater to you. 

He clenched his jaw, extremely irritated with his urge to smile at the sight of your cheesy grin. “Fucking-” he started, before he cut himself off with a long sigh, rolling his eyes. “Alright, fine. Just go sit down or something.”  

“Why?” you asked sadly, the frown taking over your face again. 

“Why?” he echoed incredulously. “When I came in, you were trying to find a drink while just staring at the fucking glassware for over a minute. That’s why.”

“Were you watchin’ me?” you asked smugly, smirking up at him. “Besides, that doesn’t mean I can’t help find a drink!” you argued, completely missing his point. 

His blank expression faltered for a second, a flash of colour fleeting across his face so quick it may as well have never been there. Then he simply barked a laugh, which only deepened your frown. “I bet you wish I was, huh? And you know, that's actually exactly what it means, dollface,” he chuckled darkly, tracing his knuckles along your cheek before suddenly grabbing you by the waist and hoisting you up onto the counter. “So sit this one out,” he said, ignoring your shriek of shock and protest. 

“Fine,” you grumbled, completely bewildered by the ease in which he manoeuvred you; as if it cost him zero effort. Which, of course, you knew to be true. 

“Good,” he said, smiling in satisfaction before ghosting a kiss against your forehead. “Now don’t fuckin’ fall off,” he warned as he walked over to the coffee machine. 

You watched him in confusion, your swirling brain trying to figure out why he was suddenly so much more affectionate with you. You were used to him teasing you, or returning your flirtations and banter, though this felt like more than that. Maybe he was just being extra nice since you were drunk. Or maybe you only thought he was being extra nice because, well, you were drunk. 

“Okay, knock it off,” he demanded, glancing over at you. “Why are you so frowny? I thought you liked your stupid girls’ night thing,” he added, leaning against the island with his arms crossed. 

“I do like my girls' nights! And I’m not frowny” you grumbled, almost offended he would suggest otherwise. 

“No?” he challenged, arching a brow as he took a few steps towards you. “‘Cause last I checked, this wasn’t your pretty smile,” he teased, tracing a thumb against your persistently downturned lips. Your smile naturally grew at that, and he beamed in response. “There’s my girl.” 

Your eyes widened at his words, and your reaction must have made Ben realize what he was doing. With slightly widened eyes of his own, he dropped his hand from your face as if burned and turned away from you once more, busying himself with making your coffee - exactly the way you liked it. 

You watched in silence, your feet softly swaying against the lower cabinets as your mind drifted in and out. “You don’t have any company tonight?” you found yourself asking suddenly.

“Think I’d be in here doing this if I had fucking company?” he asked hotly. “And I’m pretty sure you know when the last time I had company was,” he added bitterly. 

Through all the months of you living with Ben, you had noticed when his parade of bed warmers had started to dwindle down; and you had definitely noticed when it stopped altogether. Part of you likes to wish you had something to do with it, while the other part knew that was insane.

“Okay, grouchy,” you scolded with a chuckle. “Don’t act like it’s my fault.” 

“When the fuck did I act like it was your fault?” he snapped, growing exasperated. 

“Are you almost done?” you asked brazenly, ignoring his question. “I’m thirsty.”

“Coming right up, princess,” he sneered. 

You knew it was meant in a derogatory way based on his tone, yet you couldn’t help the warm tingle that spread through you anyway. 

“Here,” he grunted after a few minutes, nearly shoving the mug at you. He raised his eyebrows impatiently when all you did was stare down at it. “I better not have made this for nothing,” he warned. 

You gingerly took it from his hands, staring at it as if it was a foreign object; because, with a fluttering heart, you realized that he gave you your favourite mug - though you knew it was probably just a coincidence. 

“Thank you,” you said quietly, grinning softly at him before taking a sip. 

“Whatever,” he mumbled, rolling his eyes as he hastily turned his back on you once more. 

“You seem extra grumpy tonight,” you pointed out, watching him intently as you happily sipped away. 

“Who fucking cares?” he grumbled, keeping his attention off you as he made himself a drink - a strong one. He had a sinking feeling that if he looked at you he’d feel all warm inside again, and he refused to let that happen. “Besides. Maybe me being extra grumpy has to do with the drunk girl currently sitting on my counter.” 

“Oh,” you said meekly. “I’m bothering you?”

“You always fucking bother me,” he mumbled, slamming the bottle down. 

“I don’t mean to,” you assured quietly, your vision growing blurry with unshed tears. “I thought we’ve been getting along,” you added sadly. 

“Me putting up with you isn’t us getting along, dollface,” he sneered. 

You inhaled sharply at his declaration, your tears finally breaking loose and running down your face. “I can just leave you alone, then,” you offered, your voice a mere whisper. 

Ben made the mistake of glancing over at you, and the pang of guilt he felt inside his chest really pissed him off. He begrudgingly made his way over to you, standing between your swaying legs as he tried to meet your gaze - but you refused to acknowledge his presence. 

“Look at me,” he ordered, placing a hand on your chin to force your gaze on him. 

“No,” you said, closing your eyes. 

He let out an honest chuckle at your stubbornness, and if you had been able to see him, you would’ve noticed his eyes sparkle with affection. “Look at me,” he said again, much softer this time as his thumbs wiped away your tears. 

You let out a resigned breath, slowly looking up at him. 

“There she is,” he cooed, a small smile growing on his face. “Hey, darlin’.” 

“Hi,” you replied solemnly, your face scrunching ever so slightly in confusion over the interaction.

He didn’t speak for a while. Instead he just stood there, staring at you with your face in his hands as he tried to figure out what the hell to say next. 

“Look, just- stop crying, alright?” he said awkwardly, almost nervously. 

“Is that your idea of being comforting?” you asked dejectedly, almost laughing in disbelief. 

His grip on your cheeks tightened ever so slightly for a fraction of a second, before loosening again. “You and I both know that offering comfort isn’t my thing.” 

“You could at least try,” you muttered snidely. “I’m tired of being the only one of us who tries.” 

“What the fuck does that mean?” he snapped, letting you go and taking a step back in order to glare at you. 

You scoffed, frustratingly swiping away angry tears that began to stream down your face. “It doesn’t matter.” 

A heavy silence blanketed the two of you, and you picked up your mug to idly sip at it once more as he stared you down. He suddenly let out a frustrated huff, swearing and muttering under his breath as he turned away from you and grabbed his glass. With disbelieving eyes, you watched as he left the kitchen without a second glance. You weren’t a stranger to arguments with Ben, but this time, it felt different.

You stayed where you were perched, silently finishing your coffee and trying to make sense of everything that happened. You worked yourself back up into another frenzy as you thought everything over, and by the time your mug was empty you slammed it onto the counter with so much force you were surprised it didn’t break. Hopping off the counter, you began to stumble your way to your bedroom while angrily grumbling to yourself. A new inferno was set alight within you when along the way you came across Ben, nonchalantly lounging in the den as if nothing ever even happened. 

“How many fucking times do I have to tell you not to do that inside?” you snapped, watching in growing contemptment as he merely glanced in your direction before turning his attention elsewhere, smoke billowing over his face.  

“Tell you what, princess,” he muttered, taking another long drag from the joint he held. “I’ll stop smokin’ inside, as soon as you start payin’ for this fucking place.”

Without so much as giving it a second thought, you marched over to him and ripped the joint from his hands. He raised an eyebrow as he watched you with curiosity, a smirk already forming on his lips.

“I said,” you seethed, grabbing the ashtray from the side table as you stared him down. “Stop.”

He stayed silent, watching as you crushed the joint in the tray before tossing it back on the table with a clang. The corners of his mouth twitched as he fought back an amused grin before he steeled himself. 

“I’ll go ahead and give you ten seconds to leave,” he announced calmly, though you knew him well enough by now to notice the hint of warning in his tone. 

“Or what?” you challenged, stubbornly crossing your arms. 

Normally, you knew when to stop trying to push his buttons, but you had just enough alcohol still coursing through you to keep on going this time. 

He leaned forward, his presence completely imposing despite the fact he was sitting and you were standing over him. “Do you really want to find out?”

You shifted nervously as you took in his expression, and you knew he was both pissed off and annoyed; then again, it was rare that he wasn’t. 

“Whatever,” you finally muttered, turning away to leave. 

It wasn’t due to you being afraid of him - yes, he was intimidating as all hell, but he had never once actually physically hurt you. Despite the many times the urge struck him, and no matter how much he despised it, he quickly learned that you’re the one person he could never lay a harmful hand on. No, you simply left because you were growing exhausted over this whole night, and you just wanted some peace and quiet. 

“Thought so,” he grumbled behind your back, snickering as you momentarily stopped in your tracks. 

“Oh, just go to hell, Benjamin!” you exclaimed, whipping the closest thing you could grab towards his head. 

He caught it easily, laughing heartily when he realized what it was. “Thanks, doll. This is just what I needed,” he teased with a grin, rattling the pill bottle as he held it in the air for you to see. “It’s the only way I can fuckin’ put up with you.”

You stared at him carefully, and you could tell just by the look in his eyes that he only said it to get another rise out of you, but you couldn’t help the way your bottom lip trembled as you fought back more tears. 

His face instantly fell as he noticed your reaction, and while it was his intention, he instantly regretted it. With a heavy sigh, he tossed the bottle aside and stood up. 

“What are you-” you began to ask as he made his way over to you, but he cut you off. 

“Just shut up for once,” he muttered, a trace of a lighthearted chuckle in his voice as he shook his head. 

You opened your mouth to fire off more insults when he shocked all the words out of your vocabulary by wrapping his arms around you. He rested his chin on the top of your head, and even though you felt insurmountable anger towards him, you quickly found yourself melting into his touch, your arms tightening around his torso. A few moments passed by before he let out a small sigh, his fingers tracing a feather-light pattern along your back; a gentleness neither of you knew he was even capable of. 

“Look, I-... I didn’t… mean it,” he finally said. His tone was tight and awkward, and you knew it was a near impossible thing for him to actually admit. Honestly, hearing those words from him was nothing short of a miracle. 

“Thank you,” you said quietly, knowing this was the closest you would ever get to an apology from him. 

“How about we get you to bed, huh?” he asked lightly, trying to diffuse the situation. 

“Yeah,” you said, pulling away from him. “I’ll get out of your hair.”

You quickly left before he could respond, making it to your bedroom and locking yourself away in the bathroom to get ready. You took your time, carefully scrubbing away all the traces of the club, and the rest of the night, that you could before slipping into your night clothes. 

The first thing your bleary eyes noticed when you reentered your bedroom was Ben, paused in the middle of your room with a glass of water in his hand. 

“What are you doing?” you asked curiously, rubbing at your tired eyes. 

He let out a heavy exhale, looking at you with an expression you’ve never seen on him before. “Was just… bringing this to leave for you."

“Thanks,” you replied awkwardly, meeting him halfway to take the glass from him.

He stared at you for a moment, watching as you made your way to the bed and under the covers. He wanted to say something, but he wasn’t sure what. 

“I’ve been trying, you know,” he suddenly grumbled, unable to take the tense silence any longer. 

“What?” you wondered aloud, glancing over at him. 

His face was scrunched in concentration as he stared at something straight ahead, unable to bring himself to meet your gaze. “With you. To be… I don’t know… better.”

His words took you by surprise, and you felt a little guilty for making him think you never noticed. “I know that,” you admitted softly. 

“I don’t think you do,” he quipped, his voice more aggressive than he meant it to be. “You bother me all the fucking time.” 

“You know-” you began to argue, anger starting to simmer deep within your bones again. 

“Stop,” he all but growled, holding up a hand. “Just fucking listen for once.”

You glowered at him, folding your arms as you sank further under the covers, as if seeking some kind of protection, while waiting for him to continue. 

It took him a while to speak up again, and you almost thought he’d never continue, but he hesitantly explained himself. “You bother me… because you make me different.” 

“What do you mean?” you asked tentatively. 

“I don’t know,” he admitted, chuckling humourlessly. “I’m a dick. I don’t care that I’m a dick. But you- I’m around you, and I want to be less…” he trailed off with a sigh, unsure of how to go on. 

“Less dickish?” you offered, fighting off a smile. 

“Yeah,” he agreed, awkwardly clearing his throat. “Yeah, I guess so.”

You hummed thoughtfully, thinking over your response. “In case you haven’t noticed, you don’t exactly send me running for the hills, Ben.”

“I know that,” he said passively. “I just… I don’t know. Don’t think that I don’t try.”

He finally turned to look at you, and you could see the pleading in his eyes; the hurt. You sighed in defeat, sitting up and gesturing for him to take up the space beside you. He hesitated, raising a brow in contemplation before making his way over. You peeled back the covers for him, and he carefully slid in; cautious, as though he thought it was a trap. 

Neither of you were sure what to do next, and after a few minutes of awkward silence, you laid down to settle in for some sleep. Ben followed suit, wrapping an arm around you and pulling you in close; you instinctively nestled against him, relishing in the warmth he provided.  

“I hope you don’t think I’m drunk enough to forget that you were actually sweet tonight,” you said suddenly, your voice a playful whisper. 

He let out a chuckle, his chest rumbling beneath your cheek and forcing a small giggle from you. 

“Just don’t expect it all the time,” he declared, a playful undertone in his voice as well. “I’m mostly sour.” 

Though despite his declaration, his grip tightened to pull you in a little closer. 

“Well,” you said, closing your eyes and relaxing against him. “Sweet and sour does happen to be my favourite combination.” 

“And thank Christ for that,” he muttered, more to himself than anything. 

You smiled to yourself, hearing his words despite them sounding far away. You had a fleeting intent to respond, but your mind grew too heavy, and you quickly fell asleep to the steady rise and fall of his chest beneath your head - though, not before you felt him placing a lingering kiss to your hairline, paired with a murmured goodnight, sweetheart.

tagging: @roseblue373

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