#i am proud of being aro of being aroace and i want to stay proud even if one day i decide

[uselessnbee]

i am tired of the way people act like aromantics feeling other kinds of love is some kind of redeeming quality

every time there's a post about aromanticism the comments are flooded with people saying how aromantic people can still feel love it's just not the romantic kind and like yes it is important to point that out because it is true that some aromantic people still feel other kinds of love but not all!! and that's okay!! some aromantic people don't feel love at all and it doesn't make them any less valid! and i'm not saying people need to stop with those comments there's nothing wrong with that but the moment someone tries to point out that loveless people exist and are valid others start acting so fucking weird about it

i have a really weird relationship with love i use the word "love" to describe how am i feeling about people or pets or other stuff because it's the closest thing to describe how i feel but at the same time i'm not 100% sure what i feel is actually "love"

it doesn't probably makes sense but i just feel like i don't feel love the same way others do, the same way this society deems normal and how i am supposed to feel it and so having people act like me feeling other types of love or attraction that are just not romantic and sexual is something that redeems me from not feeling romantic love just makes me really uncomfortable

i don't want people to keep pointing out how i can feel other types of love as if it's the only thing that makes me valid

like and what if i don't? what if i don't feel love at all? does that make me less valid? it should not. i should be valid for being me for being who i am not for being able to feel any kind of love.

i am tired of the way love is treated as something that makes us human. i'm tired of people acting like people who do not feel love are suddenly terrible and inhuman. it's just a fucking emotion and not everyone needs to feel it. if someone told you they can't feel hatred would you suddenly tell them they're terrible and inhuman because feeling hate is what makes us human? no because that's fucking stupid. how is it any different with love?

i could write whole essays about how fucking stupid it is that people act like feeling love and empathy is what makes us human and good people. there are some absolutely vile and cruel people in this world capable of doing monstrous things and some of them do feel love or empathy. does that suddenly make them good people? does that suddenly erase all the terrible things they've done just because they feel certain emotions? no it really doesn't. so why should it be any different if it's the other way around. good people are good because they choose to be kind. people can be the kindest souls on this earth and don't need to feel love and empathy.

i know i'm rambling and probably don't make sense but i'm just really tired. i'm tired of people acting like me being able to feel other kinds of love is what makes me valid. like me feeling love is that one good thing about me. i want to be able to say proudly that i am aromantic that i am aroace that i don't feel romantic love without needing to clarify that yes i do feel other types of love as if that's what makes me better. i am not better or more valid than loveless people just because i "can" feel love or whatever other bullshit

they're valid too and i want to be valid without needing to "feel love" i want to feel like i would be valid and accepted even if i wouldn't feel love at all

#i'm sorry guys i just needed to vent #vent post #aromantic #aromanticism #aroace #loveless #i am proud of being aro of being aroace and i want to stay proud even if one day i decide #that what i feel isn't actually love and i do not feel comfortable using that word #amd i don't want to feel like i'm seen as better or more valid in some peoples eyes #because i feel love #loveless people don't deserve to be treated this way #i needed to rant about this because i saw a post where people were only commenting how aros can still love #and i commented that not all of them that some people don't feel love at all and that's okay amd it #doesn't make them any less valid #and majority of yhe replies were other aros saying they still feel love #and like great good for you babes but that was so not the point of my comment #no need to take it personally that someone points out loveless aros exist like what's the point of that

[aroaceconfessions]

Tw; internalized arophobia

Sometimes, when I feel really strong aesthetic attraction, my immediate thought is sadness and anger because I feel like “why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I just have normal feelings? Why can’t I just get a crush and fantasize about marrying them and just be done with it?” It feels so unfair and makes me feel like I’m broken because I can’t “just get a crush” I have to try to tell if it’s a squish or alterous or aesthetic. I feel so broken, I just want to be normal, and be able to feel the feelings and cry at weddings and sappy romance movies. I feel like I’m just half of a person because I’m missing half of “the human experience”.

I also always feel bad for disliking queer romance movies/ships/theories because they’re always romantic. It feels like I’m being selfish and taking away the little queer representation they have, but then I remember that I’ve never seen an aromantic character or aromantic coded character on-screen unless they’re the villain or just some silly clueless side character that you’re supposed to laugh at.

I’m just so tired of everyone, even other queer people, constantly overlooking us in queer theories. It’s always “this character is gay/this is metaphor for the gay experience” and I’ve never seen videos theorizing that characters are aro/bi/ace/pan/Demi or literally anything else. It’s infuriating. It makes me feel blind and insane, like I’m that crazy aunt everyone stays away from because I’m always spouting nonsense.

Has really no one seen a character and thought they were aro? Am I just that weird that no one would ever think someone would actually share my identity? Even characters like Nozaki from Monthly Girl’s Nozaki-Kun, who are so obviously aro coded, are overlooked. I’ve seen so much of “Nozaki is bisexual” and I hate to say this, I really, really, do, but it feels like people are stealing him from me. I’ve always been able to relate to him and I always thought that out of everyone, they’d know he was aroace. But still.

It makes me want to cry. How can I possibly be this invisible? Am I really, really broken? Was all this just a big prank on me by the allos to drive me insane? Why can’t anyone ever see people like me even when it’s glaringly obvious? What do we have to do to get people to believe us? Do I have to paint every city white, blue, and orange?

I just feel so broken. I want to be normal. I want people to see me. I want to be able to be proud instead of constantly berating myself for just fucking existing. This is fucking exhausting. Why can’t people see us.

#aromantic #asexual #aroace #arophobia #aphobia #fandom #media

[bookofmirth]

I know you talk a lot about acotar, but I was wondering what you thought of the tog series?? Do you think one series was better written than the other? Do you prefer the ships in acotar over tog (or vice versa)?

Personally, I liked the way romance was written in tog more because it felt like it was integrated better into the plot and was more of a slow burn - understandable since it’s a longer series, but it’s why I can’t really connect as well with the acotar ships. But idk if this might be more of a personal genre preference than a writing issue since tog is YA fantasy and acotar is an adult romance.

One of the few things that bothered me with tog romance, though, was how everyone in that version of “the inner circle” was so neatly paired off by the end of the series (I wasn’t a fan of manorian or lysadeion). I think sjm probably will end with everyone coupled up in acotar, but one of the main reasons I’m rooting for elucien and gwynriel and emorie is so we have romance with characters outside of just the inner circle (e//riel would just be too ‘neat’ if you know what I mean).

Also random opinion: I wish Amren would have stayed single. There seems to be zero point to having Varian just be lurking in the background in some scenes. Amren not having a love interest would make more sense considering she’s been around thousands of years and was a mythical creature. It just seems so ooc for her to settle down. Not every character has to have a love interest, sigh. (personally I hc her as aroace)

I love Throne of Glass! I am in the middle of a reread now, I only have KoA left and I'm scared. I still haven't reread it but I wanted to by the end of this month. I think ToG was better written overall. It's not even about YA versus adult, ToG is just more cohesive and well thought-out. There is a big difference between "hm, I would like to know more about X because it's interesting" (ToG) and "hm, I would like to know more about X because it doesn't fucking make sense" (acotar).

One of the only fanfics that I ever finished was an elorcan coffee shop au, so I'm quite proud of the fact that I finished it. I also have a rowaelin college au that's long and... probably never going to be finished lol

I agree with literally all of your opinions in this ask! I am glad that manorian went their separate ways because I definitely couldn't see her committing to anyone longterm, especially when she just got the witch lands back and lost her entire family in the process. And lysaedion, UGH.

Rowaelin, along with bangel (Buffy and Angel) is probably my OTP, but I'm not sure if I'd say I like the ships in ToG more. I personally prefer them not being the emphasis the way that they are in acotar. Which is another way of saying yeah, the ships in ToG felt more natural in a way, because they were occurring while all of this other stuff was going on. We didn't need some extreme circumstances that came out of nowhere and then were tossed aside once the ship started banging (I am vaguing Nesta and alcohol right now).

I agree with you about elucien/gwynriel/emorie also. Not everyone needs to be related to or directly in power, or to stay in the Night Court. There is an entire world out there. And that's how she ended ToG, anyway! The besties went their own directions. (Speaking of, that harkens to the end of Buffy, which I know is an influence.) I'm assuming that she will make as many neat pairs as she can by the end of the book (I guess that means we could include jurassa), like she did in ToG. I don't mind that in acotar because it feels like an underlying assumption that it's way more romance-focused. But it did feel a bit forced in ToG, especially with lysaedion.

AMREN SHOULD BE ACE. It was a pretty common headcanon that she was aro/ace before acowar came out, and I know lots of people didn't like that she and Varian became a thing. I still just... can't see it.

#throne of glass #tog #ask #anon #acotar

[ace-and-aro-wlw-positivity]

Hello! I'm aroace. I knew I was ace for a while, and aro for a few months now as well. I recently feel as if I might be an oriented lesbian as well, but I'm very scared. I was so excited to know a new part of myself, but when I thought about trying to go meet people, I got very panicky. I'm terrified of getting emotionally close, even just touching hands,because I always turn into this "cute little girlfriend " that isnt who I really am. How do I break this?

That’s a tough one! A lot of the time, the ways we’re conditioned to act by society come out when we’re feeling awkward or unsure of ourselves. It’s why a lot of transmasc people accidentally pitch up their voices when talking to strangers, even if they don’t want to, and a lot of LGBT people in general feel pressured to conform to cisheteronormativity in public.

I just wanna say I’m super proud of you for discovering and accepting all these new things about yourself, by the way! self discovery is complicated and scary sometimes, and I’m glad you can be out to yourself about your aroaceness.

As for the “cute little girlfriend” instinct, my best guess would be that your insecurity is manifesting in a difficulty staying true to yourself in certain social situations. A possible way to counter this might come in the form of self affirmations - Knowing who you are and who you want to become, and reminding yourself in times of indecision! Even just telling yourself “I am aroace, I don’t have to conform to society’s expectations of me, I don’t owe anyone compliance or subservience” (or any combination of affirmations that work for you, personally!) can help.

Also, if being emotionally close is something you want, you might have to work through internalized aphobia and heteronormativity to avoid feeling trapped in amatonormative standards, which is a highly personal journey, but it pays off! My best advice would be to talk to other affectionate aspecs about how they navigate their emotional relationships and aro and/or aceness.

and you can always tell someone not to touch you if you think you can’t handle it or it might be triggering in the moment, too!

-mod ep1phany

#answered #advice #aro #ace #aroace #emotional intimacy #amatonormativity #mod ep1phany #Anonymous

[seraphic-sapphic-safehaven]

I came out as aroace to my sister a couple of months ago and she basically told me I wasn’t aro and to not label myself. Well now I’ve realized that I’m actually an ace lesbian and I want to come out to my family on Coming Out Day but the fact that I told her I’m aroace and she said I’m not and turns out I’m actually not is giving me a lot of additional anxiety about coming out. Do you have any advice about coming out again? Also any advice in general for coming out? My dad is sort of (1/2)

“homophobic but I don’t think I’d be in any danger if I came out. Gay people are just barely ever talked about so I don’t really know what to expect from him). And well my mom seems like the type to immediately text all her relatives & make a Facebook post about how she has a lesbian daughter which would make family reunions awkward. I feel like I should come out though cause I’m sort of out at school & my sister goes to the same school & I don’t want her hearing from someone else. (2/2)”

First, I just wanna say sorry that you’re sister reacted that way to your initial coming out. That’s not okay, and I’m sorry you had to deal with that 😟

Now, if you’re worried about your sister finding out that you’re an ace lesbian from someone else, I would come out to her again and explain that it’s just difficult to figure out sexuality because, well, it is. But as for the rest of your family… Iunno, you say you don’t think you’d be in any danger, but I worry that they’ll still make you feel like garbage for your identity, which isn’t fair to you. If you think you can handle the awkwardness at reunions and the possible harassment/discrimination you’ll face from your family for being an ace lesbian, then come out to everyone. But if you’re worried that how they might treat you after you come out will negatively and greatly affect your mental health, please don’t come out to them. Your sister? Maybe. Everyone else? Not so sure. Your mental health and safety are the most important here; please try to watch out for yourself and take care of yourself. 

If you DO come out to everyone and they don’t react well/don’t understand, try showing them some posts about being ace and being a lesbian. Try to explain to them that there’s nothing wrong with your identity and that it’s just more complicated for some people. Hell, if you do come out to them and can’t get through to them, you can message me again and tell me what they’ve said, and I’ll try to reason with them as well and you can have them read what I’ve said. You can even show them this ask if you think it would help. Whatever you need, I can try to help 😊

As for coming out in general, my main advice is stay safe and protect your mental health as much as you can. Don’t come out to people who you think will out you to everyone else and put you in a potentially dangerous situation. Be ready to deal with questions because people may not understand your identity. Try to stay civil if people don’t understand, but if they’re getting hateful or hostile, leave the situation if you can. Do not engage with people who just want to make you feel bad for not being straight. Last advice: be proud of who you are, of the fact that you came out, and of your strength and courage to come out. Be proud of you for doing something that is INCREDIBLY hard, INCREDIBLY terrifying, and INCREDIBLY freeing. And if you don’t come out, you still have the right to be proud of who you are. There’s no weakness in staying closeted either, so please never think that. Whatever your reason, there’s nothing wrong with not coming out. But either way, I, for one, am very proud of you and admire your strength, and I hope you’ll feel the same way about yourself 💓💕💖💞💗

I’m sorry this answer is kind of all over the place. I’m on nerve drugs for the nerve damage in my legs, so I tend to get disorganized and ramble….a lot 😂 But I hope this helped some! Feel free to send me more asks or private messages if you have any other questions or wanna say anything else or whatever you need really! 💞

#asks #my asks #coming out #national coming out day #ace lesbian #ace #asexual #lesbian

[iugulare-mortuos]

From the absolute bottom of my heart, I want to thank the a-spec community for always being there when I needed it.

When I didn’t have an account yet and sent asks to blogs for a-spec people, asking to learn, asking for help because I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. And they told me that nothing was wrong, that I might be like them and I belonged if I wanted to stay.

When I was a terrified kid who thought I had know everything about myself right away or else I was faking, tearing myself apart with contradictions. And I looked in the ace and aro tags, and I calmed down when I saw people saying that it was okay not to know, that it didn’t make you wrong to be unsure.

When I came face-to-face with my debilitating fear of attraction and sexuality and pushed all of it down so deep I nearly forgot about it, I found the label aroace. And I used it, delighted to have a word to describe myself even though it didn’t quite fit, secure in the knowledge that I belonged somewhere.

When I called a suicide hotline and bawled about being aro, ace, and agender, because I thought no one would ever love me, only to have my dad call me a nothing who loves nothing to my face right after. And I cried to bloggers through asks, and they told me that he was wrong, that I would be loved and I could love, that I was not subhuman and cold for my orientation.

When I explored my identity more and experimented with romantic attraction, trying demirom and panrom, asking ace bloggers if it was okay to change my labels like this. And they said that if I felt like a label no longer fit me, I could do some thinking and try another one as many times as I needed until I found one that was right.

When I had my first squish and fell into a crisis because I thought it was romantic or even sexual attraction that I felt. And they explained to me, lovingly and patiently, about QPRs and platonic attraction, telling me it was normal.

When I switched back to aroace after three years of identifying as panrom ace because I understood that I never felt romantic attraction even though I love my fiance more than anything. And I happily told my favorite bloggers about my discovery, to which they replied that they were proud of me.

When I used the discourse as emotional self-harm and dissociated because of the disconnect between what I was reading and what I had lived through. And the community gathered around me and protected me and helped me even as I broke down.

When I rediscovered my fear of attraction and sexuality and finally understood the root of it, pushing through until I truly knew myself. And they were happy for me, even though I left behind the community that has been with me for so long.

I’m a gay trans man who has struggled with internalized homophobia and a horrific fear of sexuality to the point that I essentially forced myself not to feel any kind of attraction. I’m not completely comfortable with myself yet. I don’t quite fully understand my identity yet. I could be grey ace or demi, but I also could not.

Aphobes love to use people like me as some sort of twisted pawn, but they don’t see the whole story.

Yes, I identified as a-spec because of internalized homophobia, but if I had never found the community, I would still be that terrified little kid who thought he was broken, cold, wrong, subhuman, and dirty. I would never have discovered as much about myself as I have. I would never have been able to openly, happily, proudly call myself gay without the a-spec community’s love, support, and encouragement to learn and grow.

I probably wouldn’t even be alive.

Thank you all so, so much. I love every one of you, and I am so sorry this discourse is still going on, because you don’t deserve it. They don’t understand what this community means to people, even to those who quite possibly no longer fall on the a-spectrum.

With everything I have, with all my love, thank you so much for always being such a wonderful community of caring individuals.

#asexuality #ace positivity #aro positivity #a-spec positivity #safeforace #actuallysafeforace #asexual #thank you

[spirkism]

on why queer isn’t a bad word

I’ve read quite a few posts from either viewpoint and so far I’ve kept my mouth shut on how I feel about this because I didn’t want to polarize - but lately I’ve seen more and more of the “but it’s a slur!!!” arguments and couldn’t take it anymore. I went on a twitter rant but promised to make a more organized and put together post so here we go. (it got quite long, I apologize)

there are a lot of wonderful posts about this out there already but I decided to still mention the points made there because honestly the more people hear it the better. feel free to approach me and I’ll link you to some of those other posts!

as a little backstory: I’m from Germany - aka a non-English speaking country and that actually plays a part in it but more on that later. I’m in my mid-twenties and I’ve identified as queer for about 7ish years now. I used to be very well connected in the community, especially the trans community and had some older friends who were there in the beginnings of our (German) community. so I know the history.

okay so, I’m just gonna list some points now in no particular order:

1. yes. queer is used as a slur. so is gay. so are basically all the other identities we have. because some straight people are assholes and are afraid of everything that’s different. BUT. queer has been reclaimed AGES ago. our forebearers fought long and hard to take it BACK from the straight people who stole it to hurt us. freely handing it over to our opposers now would be nothing short of trampling on our community’s history and invalidating the sacrifices the generations before us have made. also. “queer history”, “queer cinema”, “queer studies” are all legitimate (academical) terms. academics don’t cuss in their descriptors (and college courses).

2. queer is so much more inclusive than lgbt(+) or any of those acronyms. sure you could go lgbtqiaapf... but honestly that’s getting a bit ridiculous and frankly confusing. so for the sake of this argument we’ll stick with the “original” acronym LGBT. it mentions all of four identities. FOUR. out of the multitudes there are. I personally happen to have one of my identities mentioned there. that’s not a lot. but still, it’s something. my aroace nonbinary friend doesn’t have any. “but there’s the plus!” you say. great. a plus. lovely. how would you feel being represented by a plus that doesn’t tell you anything about what it actually means? exactly. that’s not representation at all. who tf even knows what that plus means. no mention of nonbinary people, fluid people, pan people, ace people, aro people, and the list goes on and on.  that’s why it’s an amazing umbrella term. everyone can find a place in it.

3. it’s welcoming. this point is kind of tied to my second one but it’s important in its own right so I decided to give it its own number. it’s welcoming to questioning people. you know you’re different? not straight? but are you pan? are you bi? are you ace? or maybe aro? are you trans? are you non-binary? who the fuck even knows. it’s hard. I’ve been through multiple of these and it SUCKS. so having a community who goes “hey we don’t care how exactly you identify, we don’t mind if you haven’t figured it out you, you have a place here, you’re safe here and no one is gonna police your identity or gatekeep you” is super important. trust me.

4. it’s often easier. if I want to let somebody know I’m “not straight” without going into the details of my identity, queer is just a lot simpler and the other person will immediately understand what I mean. sometimes I just don’t wanna let somebody know all of my identities. sometimes I really don’t feel like educating people on all the terms I use. but I still want to let them know I’m part of the community. and honestly sometimes saying “hi so I’m a pansexual gray-aro gender-nonconforming trans guy” is too tiresome/long. “hi I’m queer” is concise and understandable to pretty much everyone. sure, if you’re a cis gay dude, lesbian or bisexual person you can just use one of those words - good for you (no really, it is good for you and I’m happy you have these terms). but who tf (that isn’t as deep in the community as I am and/or on tumblr) is gonna know what I mean when I talk about my identity? fucking no one. you can’t really use “I’m LGBT” as a descriptor for yourself. saying “I’m gay” doesn’t work either cause then a) I might feel weird cause I don’t actually identify as gay and b) there’s gonna be shouts of “but you’re not gay, you’re not allowed to use that word!” - well what am I gonna use then? exactly. QUEER. that’s where my nationality comes in as well. here no one knows what the fuck ace / aro, nb or even pan is. but they know what queer is. it’s like that in a lot of the non-english speaking world. get out of your US sometimes, folks.

5. this one is near and dear to me. queer is so much more than just an identifier telling people you’re not straight. it’s more than a label. more than a community. especially in the beginnings of our history it was most often used to denote that you’re different. you’re not the norm. and you don’t wanna be. you’re proud of being different. you’re celebrating being different and you’re not ashamed of it. it means you don’t want to assimilate, don’t want to emulate the “normal” lifestyle, don’t want to be that “well, he has a husband but you know, he’s not really gay, he’s just like us” guy. (nothing wrong with having a house with a picket fence and two children though, okay, I never said that! I actually want that myself) the celebration of difference has always been a strong suit in our community. and personally for many of us. this is where my other “oddities” and differences interwine with my queer identity. I suffer from anxiety. I’m kinky. I’m a witch, I’m questioning my religious beliefs, I don’t give a fuck about gender roles and I’m just a general oddball. and that’s how I LIKE IT. I’m good that way. heck, I’m fucking GREAT that way.

there are quite a few more arguments to be made for the word queer but these are the ones I feel are most important.

so yes, I’ve identified as queer for a long while and I will continue to do so. as well as use it as an umbrella term for our community. if you personally come up to me and ask me not to use the word queer for you specifically of course I’ll accept that - but don’t you dare tell me how I can and cannot identify myself and my community. as cis gays and lesbians you might not need the word queer. and that’s good for you. (no really, it is). but as someone who isn’t one of these things, for so many of us, queer is a word we desperately need (for the reasons listed above and more). so PLEASE don’t take it from us. a lot of work and love went into that word and it would be devastating to lose all that love and hope and sacrifice. we must not let this divide us. we must stay strong as a community, ALL of us, especially in the current times. 

so no, I have never nor will I ever tag my identity as a slur and I urge you not to either. if for personal reasons queer is a triggering word for you, there are countless ways to get around that (just like with any other trigger - use tumblr savior, xkit or any other of those options). but don’t ruin it for the rest of us.

this has obviously just been my very personal opinion - feel free to add on to this!  I welcome discussion about it - with people who agree with me but also people who disagree - the only thing I ask is to please stay civil and not to become personally attacking.  thank you. sorry for making such a long and personal post but I just had to after all this time.

so to end this with an all time classic: WE’RE HERE, WE’RE QUEER, DEAL WITH IT.

#queer #lgbt #lgbtq #queer slur discourse #text #misc #long post for ts #queer blogging #(yes that's my tag for queer shit)

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

It feels like God made me aroace as punishment. I want to feel romantic love, I want to connect w others like He made us to. But I am utterly repulsed by romance, by sex, I'm touch-averse, and I hate it. I'm lonely and I don't understand what I did wrong for Him to do this to me. I pray every night for Him to fix me. I don't want to be aroace and I would sell my soul to be allo, to feel the things they feel for just one day. I keep thinking maybe if I died, I'd be allo in heaven. (1)

cw suicide ideation, internalized trouble with being ace and aro

(2) It’s getting bad. Despite antidepressants and going to counseling, the only thing that could make me feel okay is being normal. I don’t want to accept being aroace because it sucks. It’s not fun, it’s not something I’m proud of, it’s lonely and isolating and God is silent. I’m literally suicidal over my orientation and He doesn’t care. We’re perfect in heaven, we’ve got new bodies, so maybe when I die I’ll be normal. I don’t even know why I’m sending this. I’m so tired.

Hey there. My heart aches for you, that you are trapped in these feelings of being broken and isolated. It may take you a long time to really believe it, but I promise you: you are not broken, you are not abnormal, and you can find happiness and fulfilling relationships as you are.

I’m not sure if logically coming to realize that will be helpful right now, when you’re feeling this pain. So feel free to pass this paragraph by if it isn’t helpful. But while experiencing sexual and romantic attraction is normalized by our society, that doesn’t make it “normal” / the one normal or natural way to be. The Holy Spirit gives us all many unique gifts, and we are one Body but many parts – we are meant to be diverse! And there are many, many good / holy people who have been aromantic and/or asexual. You might find some encouragement from the links in this post, or from wandering through our whole asexuality tag. 

All that being said, it’s okay and understandable for you to feel the way you do about your orientation. Sex and romance being necessary to happiness and a “normal” life is ingrained in us from a very young age, and it is so hard to unlearn that. Please, stay with us as you work through this – death is not the solution. I can’t say I know what heaven will be like, but I don’t think we’ll be “cured” of things that are not actually broken – rather, the cultural views of what is broken will be gone. But for now, on earth, we are making progress – slow progress, but we’re here together, and there are people who can and will love and support you as you are.

It is so frustrating when we feel that God is silent to our pain. Don’t be afraid to voice that frustration and hurt. We learn from the Psalms that God welcomes our emotions, including anger and feelings of isolation. On the cross, Jesus himself cries out the words of Psalm 22, “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?” Even Jesus, who is divine, felt cut off from God at that point – it’s okay to feel that way, and to voice it. God is there, listening, but our prayers don’t work like making wishes to a genie – they aren’t always granted the way we want them to be. And sometimes they don’t feel answered at all. Hang in there – God not only listens but feels what you feel; Jesus is living out your grief with you.

I’m not sure if this post helps much, I wish I had more to say. What I can assure you is that you are not alone in feeling isolated or wishing your orientation would change. Hang in there – I will be praying hard for you, that love and support will flow your way and that you will feel God’s presence soon.

Does anyone else have more encouragement for anon?

#anon #queerly christian asks #asexuality tag #aromanticism tag #internalized acephobia #suicide ideation

[my-nameless-bliss]

Hi, Nykeigh! I'm aro/ace. Few years ago I felt broken. I was scared of growing up, because I thought that every single person must have romantic/sexual relationship and there is no other choice. When I found out that there is something like asexuality and aromanticism I felt so alive. It was one of the most important moments of my life. I was saved by ace community and I will always be grateful for that. Now I see a lot of hatefull posts about aces and it makes me feel really horrible. [1/3]

Sometimes I am thinking that maybe these people are right and I am doing something wrong. Even if it’s a negative post about heteroromantic aces I still feel guilty. Today I blocked few aphobic blogs, but that doesn’t help. It’s stupid, but right now I am afraid to post ace positivity on my blog, because I don’t want to start a new discours. I know that this whole situation is really bad for my mental health. Today I saw transphobic posts and one really disgusting post about bi people. [2/3]

I am just so sad right now. I don’t understand why there is so many people who decided to devote their free time to say hatefull things about others. I thought it willl be different now because of pride month, but now I see that I was wrong. I just feel really lost right now. Of course you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to. [3/3]

Hi, anon! I want to start by making sure you know that you are not doing anything wrong, and you absolutely deserve to be proud and positive about your identity. I know the amount of hate on this website can be completely overwhelming, but please try to remember that there is nothing wrong with being aroace, and that other people’s hatred is their issue, not yours.

But believe me, I still understand how difficult it is to stay positive with the amount of really ugly hatred on this website. I’ve only identified as asexual for a handful of months, so I can’t speak to the history of all this anger, but recently it’s been awful. I totally relate to being afraid to post ace positivity on my blog - because even when you make a post that only says ‘i’m asexual and happy’, so often someone shows up and finds a way to make it sound hateful. Hell, I don’t even reblog much ace-related content because so frequently it includes a rebuttal of negativity, so even though the post itself is positive, you still see that ugly hate on your dash. Even posts that are strictly positive make me uncomfortable sometimes, because you just know that the notes and comments are gross. I have a block list a mile long, but that still doesn’t always change what you see on a daily basis. It’s exhausting. And sometimes, this website is super bad for my mental health.

So here’s my biggest piece of advice: Stay the hell away from this website when you need to. I know it fucking sucks, because this place is where I really found the ace community and saw more of the experience outside of the few other asexual people in know in real life. But sometimes it is honestly not worth it. Obviously, block and blacklist and unfollow as many people as you need to, but remember that that’s not always gonna cut it. Sometimes you need to log off and stay logged off for a while. There are days when I can only make it five minutes on this site before it makes me feel like shit about myself for one reason or another (and it’s oftentimes my asexuality). Remember that you don’t owe anyone on this site any part of you, and the function of it is supposed to be for you to have a good time. If you’re not having a good time, cut out whatever and whomever you need to. 

I know how shitty that can be when this is your one link to the ace community. But sometimes, it’s still necessary. So if there are good people on this site that you know make you feel good about yourself and don’t cause any problems like that, see if they have other forms of social media or ways to contact them outside of here. I know a lot of people here have other accounts on other sites, so you could still talk to the good people while keeping out all the bad shit on here. Maybe just use tumblr for the messenger or to look at specific people’s blogs. Do whatever you have to do to keep that negative shit away from you. You don’t deserve that shit, and your health and happiness are so much more important than this website. I’m sure anyone else in the ace community on this site will understand, because the negativity is so widespread. 

Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself in a good place. And always remember that your identity is awesome, and nothing to be ashamed of, and the inter-community hatred on this site (for pretty much all identities) isn’t justified. You’re amazing, and you deserve nothing but love. 💜💜💜

#if you ever want someone to talk to about happy shit #away from this website #you're always more than welcome to ask me for other ways to talk to me #you can message or email me or anything #i'm always up for good positivity #honestly the fighting and hatred within the lgbt community on this website is terrifying #please stay as far away from it as you need to #i totally understand how you feel #(especially during Pride my GOD things are awful on this site) #but know that you're awesome and i love you #nykeigh answers #anon #ace stuff

[thehumorousace]

It's something that QP aros fear as well. We fear that no one will ever love us that way because being a QP aro is so uncommon and that if someone does we won't ever be with them. And then if someone falls in love with us romantically and we want to be in a QPR with them they won't want to because we won't ever love them romantically. For me at least, I know I will always be alone because I am aroace. Nobody will ever love me and if they do I won't be enough for them because I can't reciprocate.

I’ve been in the same place. I’m gonna tell you a quick story:

I had a friend once, and for the purpose of this story we’ll call her Jane.Jane was my best friend. We loved each other & we had a very strong platonic bond. We’d stay up late just to talk about random things. Sometime during the duration of our friendship, I realized I was aroace, and of course I came out to Jane.She was completely supportive and even proud of me for coming to terms with it.Then, shortly after I realized I was aroace, I started having doubts, as many aspecs do. I am a person who likes to plan for the future, so of course I was worrying about my future. I kept thinking, I’m going to live alone forever and I’ll never find anyone to love me because no allo wants a relationship with a sex-repulsed ace and I don’t even like kissing and there’s a one in a billion chance of me meeting another ace, and an even smaller chance meeting an ace who wants to be in a relationship with me.Naturally, after a week or so of these thoughts keeping me up at night, I went to Jane to talk. She assured me that she would always be there for me, and she was more than willing to spend the rest of her life with me (as a friend).Those thoughts settled down a bit; they were still there but I had some reassurance to see the irrationality in them.Within the next few days, I started thinking again. My anxiety started telling me that I would never be as important to Jane as her s/o whenever she got one, and that her s/o would replace me and I wouldn’t be in Jane’s life as much because she had an s/o and didn’t need a friend anymore. When I told Jane about this, she didn’t have an answer, so it really got to me. But, Jane did tell me to stop worrying about the future (which, as a person  who constantly plans for the future, was really, really, excruciatingly hard) and live in the present, etc.I was able to be happy again for a while, and eventually came to terms with me being okay if I had to live alone forever.

My point is: never underestimate platonic love. It is no lesser than romantic love. Friends are just as important as significant others.So, if you find yourself living alone in the future, I will be your friend if no one else will.

[sableaire]

I actually imagine ending up with people and such but when it comes to real life intimacy, I'm like "stay away from me". I mean I do get jealous when my friends have boyfriends but the thought of having one actually scares me. Would that mean I'm asexual? I'm really confused, I'm totally ok with anyone regardless of gender if and only if I'm really interested in the person but still have a preference of having boyfriends than girlfriends. That's normal right?

First of all, you are completely valid in how you feel, and you are as normal as anyone else. Second of all, I am wordy and this answer is long, so let me stick the rest under a readmore.

Summary: You’re fine, and it’s fine to be confused. You might want to compare the definitions of asexuality, aromanticism, gray-asexuality, and gray-aromanticism and see you feel comfortable with any of those labels. A lot of people are okay with any gender but still have a preference, and that’s completely natural too. Also, your romantic/sexual identity isn’t set in stone. It’s completely fine to use a label that you’re comfortable with for the time being and change it later on, once you learn more about yourself. You’re a-okay, and you’re ahead of the game already by giving this some serious thought.

The reason you’re concerned about whether or not you’re ‘normal’ is because there’s this strange, social belief that everyone feels the same way about romance and sex, when they don’t. I’ve spoken to many adults about my being aroace, and in their efforts to either invalidate or understand me, they told me about how they felt ‘at my age’. They all had complete certainty that every other person in the world had the same feelings about about romance or sex or sexual orientation that they did, and that I was the odd one out.

I have yet to hear from two people sharing each others’ experience.

The only reason that people think that there is a ‘normal’ way to go about romance is because there’s an inexplicable taboo on talking about it with others. Couple that with decades-long social conditioning, and that gives everyone a model they think they’re supposed to fit. “I guess that fits how I feel,” people say, stuffing a round peg into a square hole, completely missing how the corners never fit right.

It sounds like you’ve put some time and thought into understanding your own feelings, and you should be proud of that! That’s more than many people in the world have done, and it’s a vital step in getting to know who you are as a person. It’s a vital step in getting to know how to build your happy future.

However, let me guide you with a few more questions that might help: How do you define your relationships? What is it that scares you about a potential boyfriend? How do you feel about romance? How do you feel about sex? Also, just for clarity’s sake, who are you jealous of - the friends or the boyfriends?

Romance and Sex often go hand-in-hand for many people, but but that’s not the case for everyone. There are people in romantic relationships who have no interest in sex, and there are people who feel vice versa. Only you can figure out what label you’re comfortable with, but let me help by defining some for you:

You might be aromantic, which means that you do not feel romantic attraction. You might desire a romantic relationship, but that desire has never been fixated on a specific person. Some aromantics are okay with romance-coded activities as long as it’s between friends. 

You might be asexual, which means that you do not feel sexual attraction. You might enjoy sex and sexual activities and or feel aroused by fiction or fantasies, but you do not feel the desire to have sex and or engage in sexual activities with a specific person.

You might be gray-aro or gray-ace, which means that you might feel romantic attraction or sexual attraction very rarely under specific circumstances. (subcategories include but are not limited to litho-, demi-, akoi-, and cupio-)

You might be aroace, which means that you are some combination of the above. I personally identify as aroace, and I have yet to feel romantic or sexual attraction at almost 21 years of age. People tell me that will change when I ‘meet the right person’ and maybe it will, but I am happy calling myself aroace now, and I will continue to do so. 

For reference, in high school, I didn’t realize that when people described a celebrity as ‘sexy’ or ‘hot’ they didn’t just mean aesthetic appreciation. I had always assumed that they were appraising the celebrity how I might view a statue in a museum. I also didn’t realize that people actually wanted to date and have sex - I thought people just dated for fun and that all that high school sex talk was some kind of collective inside joke. I was wrong. So, so very wrong, ahaha.

Or after all this, you might decide that you’re not aro or ace at all, and that’s fine too. A certain level of fear is to be expected in any new experience, so if you haven’t had a romantic partner before, the idea of one might be scary. However, have you had a crush before? Have you wanted to have romantic feelings reciprocated before? These are questions to ask that will help you determine whether or not you are aro/gray-aro.

In the same way, the idea of sex can be scary, especially if it’s a new experience. Is it something that scares you so much that the idea is unappealing? Or is it something that’s intimidating but you’re interested in? 

Ultimately, I can only give you information. In the end, you will know yourself best, so you’ll have to be the one to decide what labels, if any, you’re comfortable with. 

If you ever need more information, however, I’m always happy to help.

#asexuality #aromanticism #asexual #aromantic #aroace #advice #long #Anonymous