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you-are-my-neverland · 2 years

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[id: a header with a deep blue gray background. in the center, there is a circular photograph of a lighthouse. behind the photo is a monoline sun, eclipsed by the photo. in block text across the center reads ‘the metamorphosis of the lost: an update’ / end id]

it’s been a while since i’ve done one of these, but my writing has been going pretty well these past couple of weeks, so while i prepare other content (re: character intros (!!!). in 2022, i’ve managed to cobble together act iii: relapse, which was written over the course of the spring semester. i also, more recently, started act iv: revolution, and that’s going by nicely, especially as i strive to meet my daily word goals (hello, excel spreadsheet).

anyways, in honor of having a taglist with more than one person on it, i’ve decided to post a few excerpts, which i haven’t really done for this wip lol.

all words + the taglist will be under the cut for length purposes.

i. the red saint & her shadow.

(an interaction between june and india from the beginning of act iii. a/n: this was written at the beginning of the year. writing them currently, i really feel like i’m missing something from their dynamic, so i’ve been rereading this scene a lot lol.)

Belladonna was quiet, her face slightly pinched beneath the domino.

“If you didn’t have to,” she started. “Then why did you?”

“How could I not?” India said, and it sounded too honest, too vulnerable, even to her own ears, as if it was painfully obvious she was revealing some hidden part of herself to someone else. “Back then, I believed they were helping the city. When I was younger, I used to scoff at the idea of vigilantes and heroes, but after a while, after seeing it firsthand, I did become convinced that I could change things for the better for someone else. It gave me a drive for the first time in my life. Instead of just trying to survive for no particular reason, I could do something about it.”

“Yes, I was young. Fifteen. All the people I know started out younger.” She paused, thinking carefully over how to formulate her next thought. “Someone I knew used to always say that we can’t help what happened to us, or what it turns us into, but we can try and change ourselves once we see our own reflection. We can make things clearer. We can use what we see as flaws to do better. I grew up in the South District. I was an orphan. I learned how to hurt other people to protect myself. I never thought about justice because I never thought it was something I could control.”

Until now. Until then.

India hated to think that Vin had given her anything, but he had. He had given her power for the first time in her life, had allowed her to write her own destiny, decide how she wanted to do things, more so than anyone else had ever before.

It was what had blinded her, in the end. Believing that following someone else’s cause was her own. India had been beholden just as everyone else was; that was why she had been benched. She just hadn’t realized it, how trapped she actually was.

Now she was free. Now no one could tell her what to do. Now India was allowed to decide what was right and wrong and act on it.

No more changing herself. No more being told to be better, be different, be someone else, someone they thought was more than whatever she was, a South District orphan born and raised on the rocks, unable to outgrow her own edges for fear of how unprotected it would leave her. India might not love her roots, but they were hers, in the end. She had come from this city. She was Kevlan, through and through.

ii. flame & phantom

(another excerpt from act iii. emrys and mika go patrolling after finding out india is alive as the red saint, but are unable to save a woman’s life. a/n: somehow, a lot of tmotl ended up being emrys’ story, which i can’t say i mind. her pov is a lot of complicated thoughts most of the time.)

She had said she could do this. She had sounded so cool and confident, too. Emrys had been proud of herself, for being able to stand up for what she wanted. The rest of the conversation hadn’t gone as well, but she hadn’t let herself be shut down. Not this time.

Now, she thought that they probably had a point, about her. Maybe she couldn’t do this.

Maybe she could.

Maybe both thoughts were equally terrible.

“I’m going to find India,” she announced. The flames licked at the edges of the jacket, already crinkling, the outer layer peeling away as the cloth beneath caught more easily, the fire dancing up into the sky with a bright shower of sparks that had her flinching back and shielding her face. The embers fell to the ground around Mika’s feet, burning and burning and then burning out.

Mika didn’t say anything. Emrys glanced at him coolly, and found him looking away from her. Fine by her. She didn’t care if he approved or not; better he didn’t notice she was gone at all, until she could clear more space.

Emrys waited another few seconds just to be sure, ignoring the part of her that whispered that she should check on him, make sure he was okay, but this was Mika. He was never not okay. Nothing fazed him, and no one.

She sighed, staring down at her own feet, battered and bruised through the white of the ballet flats. There were drops of blood scattered along the seams, which bothered her now that she had noticed; she couldn’t stop focusing on it, the innocuous drops in no pattern except the one she conjured.

Mika still hadn’t said anything. Emrys looked at the embers of the jacket, then turned to scan the skyline, wondering where she could start, the wind whipping through her body and helping to pull her seams apart with vicious, grabby hands.

The abandoned warehouse, she thought. The place where India had died. She should start there, right? If there was going to be anything anywhere, it would be there. Maybe a clue to India’s resurrection, even.

Emrys started to walk without even really thinking about it, setting forward at a determined pace, quickening as she got further and further away from the fire, and getting colder and colder. Without her jacket, much of the skin of her body was bare to the winds, her tank top protective but not warm. Kevla had vicious winters, so the fall became crueler as the months went by.

She had turned the corner by the time she heard the footsteps behind her, not clattering or loud, but soft and steady, a quiet, rhythmic thump that belayed Mika grabbing her arm and grinding them both to a halt as he slowed, clothes and hair settling back down on his body as gravity descended.

“Let me go,” she said, white knuckled.

Mika let her go. Emrys turned to move, and he tripped her. It was only years of getting used to falling that had her catching herself with a half-dance of steps, turning so that they were facing one another.

“Enough of this,” Mika said. His eyes were burning. She could hear the quiet sounds of him breathing, harsher than normal.

“No,” she said. “I told you. I’m going to find India.”

“And Crow and X-le told us not to,” Mika said.

Emrys scoffed. “Like you’re the poster child for following orders.”

“Enough,” Mika repeated. “We’re either finishing patrol or going home.”

Another Emrys would have been happy that he used the word home, but this Emrys was feeling vicious and vengeful and torn up inside.

“I don’t want to,” she said spitefully.

“Flame,” Mika said, the warning clear.

“You’re my partner, not my boss,” Emrys said scornfully.

“I’m not either of those things,” Mika hissed, stepping closer. “I’m just the person making sure you don’t fuck anything up.”

That hurt. Emrys didn’t flinch, and was absurdly proud of herself for growing thicker skin in the time since a few hours ago. She was getting better and better at it.

“I didn’t ask you to do that!” she burst out. “You’re the one that followed me to begin with. I never asked for your help.”

“But you needed it,” Mika said, and though she couldn’t see his mouth, she could picture the small, cruel tilt of his half smile. She had to narrow her eyes to stop tears from falling, already feeling them well up in her eyes, like she was some weak and pathetic person who couldn’t keep it together.

“I’m going to look for India,” she repeated. “You can go home if you want.”

iii. sunrise after the fall gala

(an interaction between india and june in the aftermath of the fall gala (which takes up the majority of the beginning of act iv) and india’s ill thought out confrontation with the black saint. a/n: more recent writing and a more recent interaction between these two. act iv has been a mess lol.)

The laugh slid off India’s face.

“You can’t create something from nothing,” she said savagely. “I imagine that not even Catrin Flint can save someone who was burned alive.”

“Someone could,” June replied steadily.

“Then maybe it was Kevla herself,” India remarked sarcastically, rising to her feet and gritting her teeth against the spasm her leg sent.

“You’re really not curious?” June asked, also standing. The morning air nipped at her cheeks, the rosy glow of the rising sun starting to cascade over the skyline ahead of them.

India shrugged carelessly. “It’s not that I’m not,” she said. “It’s just that it doesn’t matter. Or, it didn’t.”

June eyed her, pondering the words. In a way, that was understandable. June herself tried to care as little as possible pertaining to the motive of The Organization or the Benefactor. Motivation didn’t matter in the end. It was the actions that did.

They were both women of action, though they went about it very differently.

“Will I be hearing from you soon?” India asked after a second.

June looked at her, parsing her thoughts.

India raised an eyebrow. “Last time I checked, we were kind of in on this together, right? This whole revenge scheme, or whatever you want to call it,” she hurriedly corrected after June coolly raised an eyebrow at the words “revenge scheme.”

June considered her. “Yes,” she said after a pause. “We are.”

India smiled. It transformed her face beneath the domino, softening the edges. India, June had found, often bared her teeth, but rarely smiled.

“I’m a comm away,” she said, sounding almost pleasant and energized at the prospect.

“I might take you up on that soon,” June said.

“Not gonna kiss and tell then?” India replied. “Just going to string me along.”

June surprised herself by the sharp half laugh that bubbled out of her.

“You’ve been helpful,” she said instead of replying, doubting that she could match India’s newfound wittiness. She had always had a sense of humor, even as a child. June was used to being the dour, serious one. Now she was the serrated blade, cold as steel and just as harsh. “Thank you.”

India sobered, looking at her as if she was an alien before she managed a stiff and slightly unsure, “You’re welcome.”

“Take care of yourself,” June added. “I don’t want to find you dead in a ditch before you can be useful.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” India replied sarcastically, but they had talked enough times for June to pick up the undercurrent of fondness with which she said it. “Take care, Belladonna.” She gave June a two fingered salute, and June found herself returning her impression of it before she could stop herself.

India smiled, and then she was sauntering off into the darkness, only a slight limp in her step and the helmet tucked under her arm any indication of what had gone down only hours previously.

June smiled privately to herself. India was wearing off on her.

taglist (scream to be added or removed!): @cannivalisms @sunshineomeara @thepixiediaries @muddshadow

#wip: tmotl #writing #my writing #writers on tumblr #writeblr #creative writing #writing excerpts #wip: the metamorphosis of the lost #sorry this is so long but i just couldn't cut them #act iv has like nothing i want to share so far i'll literally cry about it sigh #also: mika and emrys have a sibling relationship. before anyone asks #ik how their interactions could be taken out of context like here but they are in no way romantic #just to clear that up #i miss india and june...my girlies...#act iii was kind of good for something i wrote over like five months while studying for exams and starting work lol #and now it's just like ???#anyways thanks for taking the time to read #it has been way too long since i posted actual excerpts so i am out of practice

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cinnabeat · 1 year

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i wanna go back to the khux era actually that made me feel insane in the best way i wanna feel that again

#i need to get invested in something truly mind boggling again #or not invested so much as experience it #nothing wouldve ever prepared me for the khux finale actually i need to feel that again #i need to feel alive is what #i am so. tired?#like hm #i dont have the energy to break down my thoughts like usual #in better news i finished my essay i just need to type it up and clean it and shit #gotta proofread #thats a lie i never proofread anything ive dont it only once before and while fun ive never truly bren as invested in something #oedipus just sparked something in me #also my teacher required we have like three drafts or whatever WITH editing marks so #actually tenth geade english was my best work the things we had to read in that class really tickled my 'i need to talk about this' itch in #my brain #i also ended up writing an essay before the year started bc it was summer hw that i never did #anyways i wrote in on the alchemist and i read a little bit of it before i was like wow this is terrible #and just sparknoted the rest and just rante daboit how awful a book it was and i got an A!#i still have it on my google docs i gotta transfer that shit to a harddrivr #ive never been so heated by something lmao #also reading the metamorphosis in class was wild i remember we were doing silent reading and i got way ahead of everyone else #and everyone in my table was like what is bc i had a horrified look and i was like just keep reading #and again reading the great gataby i aas just vibing while reading and then i got to thr car accident? scene?? and i like #put my hand on my mouth like you know 🤭 and again people were like whattt #i was like literally read three more pages #i never got a chance to read the yellow wallpapaer and im sad about that #no thats a lie i did have a chance i just chose not to read it #1 bc i was too lazy to read it at home and i also forgot and also something something adhd or whatever point is i didnt read anything that y #year besides catcher in the rye and TWO my teacher had powerpoints that would go over each section we read in such excruciating detail that #we basically didnt have to read anything and sshe didnt really foster an environment for discussion but rather just tell her what she wants #to hear and what she wants to hear is literally on the powerpoints so what was the point of reading

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pangur-and-grim · 4 months

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I know you're excited about the kitten grubs, but how is your ACTUAL grub doing?? You haven't been posting about the grub. I NEED grub content. PLEASE, GREER.

oh that's right, I haven't spoken much about my beetle larvae!

to give a refresher, in January I ordered a smooth stag beetle grub, spoon lowered it into its enclosure, and watched it tunnel under the dirt

and since then I've had a pet tub of dirt. completely unchanging.

however the store messed up, and accidentally shipped my order twice. so the next day, I got a second surprise beetle grub, and had to scramble to put together another enclosure for it!

this is when I made my first mistake: it was a large tub, but too shallow for the grub.

my second mistake was in how I moistened the soil. the online instructions I read said the soil should be kept "wet enough that it clumps in your hand". which, given the heating is going full blast in my house and drying the air out, meant I was spritzing the soil to moisten it every morning.

and then one day I found my beetle grub at the surface of the dirt, unmoving. extremely dead :(

I gave him a proper burial. but his death surprised me. I had to revaluate how I've been caring for them - it's possible that I misunderstood the soil instructions, and spritzed too often. AND in a shallow container, there's less room for the water to go, and more chance of the grub getting overly sodden.

so one grub is unfortunately deceased. what about the second one? I have corrected my mistake and am spraying less water, but was it too little too late? or is it still alive in there, undergoing metamorphosis?

in any case, I'm determined to keep this bucket of dirt for 8 months on the off chance a beetle crawls out of it, and will be tenderly caring for it until then.

#smooth stag beetle #the first grub is in a much deeper container so it's possible that it was able to withstand the initial over-spritzing. I hope so #schrodinger's beetle larvae 😔

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wa-kaizen · 2 years

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Your Good Qualities | PAC PT 1

Hello beautiful people, if you are the type of person that gets uncomfortable by praises and people being kind to you this PAC is not for you! I will tell you everything good about you, because like everything in life, you do have both bad and good in you. Think of yin and yang! Last time you saw your yins and now you will see your yang. Also, I realised, hey, I might be a little too rude, so I would like to uplift my followers - and anyone reading this - ♡

If you wish to, you can tip or donate here. ♡

disc.: do not tip/donate if you have financial trauma, have a hard time with money or you need your money for better causes. You are never obligated to do this and I don't want any harm towards you. If you are sensitive about money, please just don't.

꒰ piles ꒱

→ 1 , 2 ,3

sections ༉˚

- basic good qualities

- what you don't see in yourself

- what others adore you for - platonic.

- what lovers see in you - feel free to skip if you are on the aro spectrum.

- what spirit guides love about you

pile one

anti-romantic

three of swords, nine of swords, the heirophant, ladybird, donkey, hyena, black dragon ‐ meditate, reflect, undergo metamorphosis, magenta dragon - awaken your soul memories and higher spiritual understanding. prepare for accelerated ascension, earth and fire dragon - it's time for service, when you give, you receive

basic good qualities.

Hello angels, I have an advice for this pile; please stop depending on the validation of others, not being like them doesn't mean you are any less beautiful.

selfless, kind, sweet, understanding, open minded, sensitive, very cute!, honest, empathetic, angelic face - ? -, ambitious, opinionated, passionate, diverse - personality wise, ex you can be cute but also hot -, caring, nurturing, very attentive

what you don't see in yourself

Sweetheart, there is a lot. I feel like you underestimate yourself, refuse to like yourself, to see all the good in you. You might think this because at some point you experienced either trauma related to bullying or abuse, which messed with your self esteem. I will not touch on that, as I would like to praise you. You are actually very beautiful, you might not be like x and y, or not act like z but I am getting an incredibly angelic energy from you. Do you have Libra, Pisces or Scorpio in your chart? Either way, you are really such a wonderful and kind soul. You always think of others and try to make them comfortable. Some of you might have a really different kind of playfulness to themselves than other's, maybe people around you look at it as rough even though you intend no harm. That doesn't mean you aren't kind? I think misunderstandings affect you a lot, so you think you aren't a caring or selfless person, you really are. Your energy is really beautiful and carries a lot of pain, it's hard to describe in words. It's like there is two sides to this pile. You are the sunlight after the rain, is what I heard, if that means anything to someone. You are lovely, fragile and you are a very sensitive person. Not in a bad way though. I am sorry, I keep trying to find the right words, it just seems hard because you are so unique! Ethereal? I guess, that's the right word. You are the golden tears on angels, you might seem harsh to others but your heart is full of love and wonders, full of curiosity. Don't let others take that away from you.

what others adore you for

You just make people so happy. Like, your smile makes them smile, your happiness rubs off on them, it stays with them. You have such a beautiful bright smile. You are a daydreamer, there is so much excitement and brightness in you!!!! Alright, so I think one half of the pile really loves pinks and girly stuff, the other is kind of into darker themes and could be like 'nah it's not me-' but it is! You are so full of life it makes other people happy!

Just being around you makes them excited for the day, you are playful and could have a bubbly personality. Even just doing the reading, your energy makes me happy pile one! You might think you are gloomy, or that you have a darker aura - which is possible - but regardless of that, whenever you enter a room you just make people so happy!

That feeling of 'ah, finally, we are about to have a good time.'

You truly are just someone that brights the space up.

Also, you could be very emotionally intelligent, understand people even if other people don't see why you would be kind to them, if they themselves don't see it, or think that they don't deserve justice. It's not that you are foolish, you just have a deeper understanding of how the human mind works is all. You see the good in other people even if they might not deserve it.

Of course, that does not mean that you are foolish and think everyone is good, you are quite confrontational, at least some of you.

So, you have your own opinions, but you are not blind to them, you see reality but also potential. I do think a lot of people adore you for it.

what lovers see in you

They love how generous you are is what I am seeing? You truly give your all in relationships, you don't just expect to receive and give nothing back. You might love the idea of '50/50'.

Also, you have that potential to make people daydream about you. You are so mysterious, they try to figure more and more things out about you.

I think the fact that your heart is wounded is attractive to many, so be cautious. People could try to use you for your past pain is what I am saying, take advantage of it.

Either way, bad intention or not, the focus seems to be on your heart, how kind, precious, generous and wonderful you are. For a lot of you, you could look somewhat distant while your personality is the complete opposite. I think this duality of yours is very attractive to many.

what spirit guides love about you

I can see them loving how far your abilities go, how well you are able to control them, especially your intuition. You are someone incredibly talented and lovely in their eyes, I can see you can do anything you want with good results, you just have to believe in yourself.

Also you are very curious about spirituality and aren't afraid to try out new things or correct someone if they do anything disrespectful, I can see a male figure is especially really proud of you for being able to do this, they look at you really fondly.

Do you ever practice any spiritual things in the dark? Such as meditating or communication with your guides? I can see that they watch over you doing it, and although worried for you, they are very trusting.

You are also able to listen to them really well, I can see that's also something they really adore you for. You don't push them away or refuse a connection just because you don't like hearing something, instead, you just keep on bettering yourself, which they really adore.

thank you for reading ♡

pile two

lo$er, lo♡er

knight of swords, the sun, four of pentacles, deer, donkey, cat, oneness, look for common humanity, invoke lemurian light, enter the magic, live in the now, size the moment, ascension flames, merge with light, ignite keys and codes

basic good qualities

confident - strong sense of leadership - smart - observant - non judgemental - good with advice - cool headed - child like - relaxed - bright - great personality - elegant? - graceful

what you don't see in yourself

There is a lot, pile two.

You have many good qualities, but are blind to them, simply because you are very protective of yourself, you have a hard time putting your guard down and being vulnerable.

You are kind, understanding and you are able to see though situations from two point of views, understanding everyone involved so you can find the most peaceful outcome to everyone involved.

Don't get me wrong, you definitely can be confrontational and be able to stand up for yourself, intimidate others, it's just that you are quite a chill person. That brings you many wonderful things in life you might not even be aware of.

You are also incredibly bright, kind, and funny, you just have a tendency to isolate yourself from others due to something that scares you a lot.

You have a hard time putting your guard down.

what others adore you for

You are very independent and cheerful is what I am saying, you know how to be responsible and realistic but without it "ruining the fun".

You probably had to "learn" this? Maybe some of you were bullied for being so childish, and also for being too serious. It's like people never could be happy.

So now you have learned how to please others? So, that's that.

Now onto the people that are actually deserving of your time!

I can see a lot of people looking at you as very intelligent in many ways, but especially money wise, you could be someone that's really good in saving up, or you just spend responsibly. They don't want to take advantage of you, they want to be like you, they adore you.

Also, you could be a very very realistic person, making you really mature. That is intimidating to some, but definitely very attractive, let that be platonic or not, people think you are very charming for the way you are, for the way you hold yourself. You just being yourself is really attention drawing, even if you might be a quite person. Of course, in a good way.

Some of you could be bit of a goofball? Like, you love to joke around, play and just be carefree. That does not take away from your maturity, just ads to it. For a lot of you, kids might really love you and want to play with you a lot!

Many people adore your patience when it comes to that.

Basically, you are the person a lot of people wish they could be.

what lovers see in you

Okay, so I see you have a hard time finding proper connections because you are very good looking but don't worry, I will touch on what people genuinely interested are attracted to!

You are able to go through hard times alone no matter what? You are able to overcome any obstacles you want with no issue even if it may concern or stress you out, it makes people want to help you, be there for you, be next to you.

Your personality is also very lovely. You could be like a child at times, which a lot of love interests adore.

No, not in a creepy way. They can just feel free next to you, feel like themselves, have no care in the world.

They know they won't be judged, neglected or taken advantage of. Being next to you is like a sense of euphoria, you make them feel happy again. It's the feeling of letting go of worries and being able to be a kid again for a few hours, it's the feeling of not worrying about problems because you are there for them to be their rock.

For the people that are in love with you, you are happiness.

what spirit guides love about you

Whenever they give you an opportunity, you take it! You don't dwell too much on things, even if you might have a broken heart. They also love taking care of you. You are a peaceful "child", they don't have troubles with you and you are very hardworking, always doing your best to work hard, to create yourself and others a good life. You are like a calm river, that's what they adore about you.

that's all that they wanted to say, however, if you dm me I could try asking for more if you are curious! ♡

thank you for reading ♡

pile three

you are special

the emperor, five of wands, the high priestess, rhinoceros, badger, bat, goat - act from your innate wisdom, bee - spread heart healing with joy, bear - use power with wisdom

basic good qualities

brave - wise - powerful - intelligent - calm - respectful - gentle - soft - joyous - healing aura - smart with decisions - friendly - self aware - kind - reliable - cute? - observant

what you don't see in yourself

A lot of you could feel like you need someone to romantically love you in order to have a full life, to be married and have kids... well, that is not true. You are enough beautiful on your own, you don't need other people to define your worth.

You are a very complete soul, I see a lot of wisdom and gentleness coming from you, I don't sense negativity.

You could have a tendency to be insecure about false things, to bully yourself.

I would like to ask you to focus on your positive traits, I promise you are doing great, everything you are insecure about is either related to over worry or so. I know overcoming them is hard, but you are doing wonderful.

You remind me of angel spirit guides, your soul is very gentle and loving.

what others adore you for

That you always end up creating something wonderful from whatever situation you are in - let that be positive or not.

You are incredibly calm, the calmest out of all piles. Maybe you have an 'I don't care, I will live through this' attitude? So you just go around worry free, solving your problems with ease, a level head, keeping yourself grounded.

I do think this is surprising to some because they are so impressed. Because guess what? You always end up just fine, you always do your best, you don't pressure yourself. At least most of you.

Also, you do not allow anyone to waste your time or to fool you, you are mature enough just to move on and respect yourself.

You just don't let fears get the best of you. You are like a fairy maybe? You remind me of Tinker Bell

what lovers see in you

I am so sorry, don't read this if you are uncomfortable, but they are so attracted to your body it drives them crazy.

Maybe romantic interests are so obsessed with you they start making up their own narrative about you?

They fantasy a lot, and when they actually get to know you on a deeper level it's like they have been hit with a rock called reality.

However, I can see they adore the real you more than whatever they could ever think of.

You stun them, you amaze them, you make their heart beat fast like crazy.

You are a dream wrapped in a cloth of silk presented as a gift to them, if that makes sense. They adore you in everything you have to offer.

You have this tendency to make people obsessed with you. Whoever is in love with you, or is interested in you in the slightest becomes a better person just by loving you.

It's a very unique experience, you teach people a lot without even knowing.

what spirit guides love about you

This pile is very hard to read, but!

They do love how hard working you are!

You always surprise them by how good of a human you are also? That you don't let things get to you, yet you are still very protective of yourself.

Unfortunately that's all, if you are curious of more you can always dm me or watch out for the second part of this pac incase you will feel more attracted to a pile there! thank you for reading ♡

#spiritual #tarot #pick a card #pac #self love #self reflection #intuitive #clairvoyance #idk what to tag anymore #tarotblr #reading #tip me if you want wink wink

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gregorsamsaisliterallyme · 6 months

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i've been so into kafka after reading the metamorphosis it's actually insane, i am going to read everything this man wrote because he captured emotion so well and made me feel so much in 73 pages 🗣️🗣️

the sad thing about translated books is you can never fully grasp an authors work in the way it was intended to be read, and that will always plague my life

#I JUST WANT TO KNOW #HOW HE WROTE IT #THE ORIGINAL MEANING #TRANSLATION CAN ONLY BE SO ACCURATE #UGH #IM FEELING SO MANY FEELINFS CAUSE OF HIM #books #book quotes #dark academia #quotes #reading #translated books #translation #kafka #franz kafka #the metamorphosis #franz kafka the metamorphosis #gregor samsa #grete samsa

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paperclipninja · 2 months

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Ok, so I've seen the very compelling theories floating around that Crowley passes something, possibly a bullet or some other metallic type vessel, to Aziraphale during the kiss. That it could, in fact, be the reason for the kiss.

There is an extensive meta by @indigovigilance here: Bullet Theory that goes into great detail and links to other relevant posts too (read it, it's fab). Yes, we know vessels are used to store memories but also, that a bullet features, of course, in the 1941 Magic Show.

Yes, we get a literal bullet in Aziraphale's mouth, and Crowley firing only when Aziraphale mouths "trust me". And the significance of the trust demonstrated between them here cannot be overstated I don't think (also many excellent metas around about this)

But the other thing we get is a situation where Aziraphale is in trouble. And even though he's in trouble, he knows he can count on Crowley.

And so it got me thinking, there is such an emphasis on sleight of hand throughout the series, and the idea of the audience being distracted while there are background details going unnoticed has been discussed a lot in the many wonderful theory and meta posts.

However, the other aspect of magic is Aziraphale's love of it. And so, if we're going to consider that the kiss was actually a way for Crowley to pass something to Aziraphale, it seems important to at least consider that Aziraphale knows magicians and that he studies magicians. And to therefore consider Harry Houdini, arguably the greatest (or at least the most famous) magician.

It's believed that during his Metamorphosis trick (I think it's called a trick? I'm not a magician but I do love magic so if anyone is a magician and that's wrong, I'm sorry), Houdini worked with his wife in order to successfully perform the routine:

Source here

I want to be really clear here that sources that confirm this are limited and not overly credible, however Kate Bush's song, "Houdini", was also allegedly inspired by this particular version of the story:

Source here

What's most interesting about this version is that Houdini's wife, Bess, comes onstage to kiss him at a moment of struggle or, given the nature of the tricks Houdini was renowned for, danger.

Whether the tale of Houdini's wife passing him the key with a kiss is true or not, it certainly seems like the kind of story that would capture the imagination of Aziraphale (and Neil) and no doubt even Crowley would've known Houdini and his antics.

And so, this is really to say that if there was the passing of an object with the kiss, at that vital moment when Aziraphale is "struggling onstage", could it be that Crowley* draws on one of the things he knows his Angel knows and loves and understands, and does something inspired by arguably the most famous magician of all?

I mean after all, Aziraphale knows he can always count on him.

(istg the thought of this is so romantic too and I am not ok)

*by Crowley I mean Neil but for the sake of the romance I'll say Crowley

#good omens meta #good omens #good omens final fifteen #aziracrow #aziraphale #crowley

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preservationofnormalcy · 4 months

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[OOC: assuming you meant me, sorry!]

What are the major tenets of the Yellow Circle? You know, things like feeding the poor, looking after the environment... not eating seafood, if I'm reading a previous post correctly...?

My stats here (thank you Jenny) tell me that I have a lot of new people accessing this anonymous helpline, so I'll just quickly explain.

The Yellow Circle is an Outsider cult the Office works with from time to time on matters concerning all things eldritch and tentacle-ey. Their beliefs center on the Yellow One Below, an Outsider entity somewhat unique in that it has an intelligence partially understandable by the human mind, as opposed to being completely incompatible with it like most Outsiders. Yellow Circle adherents are very resistant to nonstandard timespace structures as a result of being cognitively inoculated by the noncompliant vernacular language they use, and for that we find their services valuable. As a quick aside, yeah, you're probably thinking of a certain author - near as we can tell, he was an annoying bigot who stumbled on some Yellow Circle literature and got famous about it.

I am actually good friends with Yth'Wa, Herald of Change since before her metamorphosis and appointment as the leader of the Circle, so I know a little about them.

Obviously the main thing is worship of the Monarch of the Empty, that's the core of their beliefs. He asks for deference, worship, and in return gives them his protection and gifts.

The Hollow King also tasks the Circle with being caretakers of their local realspace, saying that they are "merely visitors in this land" and before The Flaxen Duke takes them "home" they are to care for the Earth, especially its waters and oceans.

This is the reason for the seafood thing - it's an extremely complicated system of rules that decide when it's appropriate to eat seafood in their culture. Most of the time the answer is "absolutely not", as the ocean is seen as close to the place where the King of Nothing resides for somewhat esoteric reasons.

Some of t he other stuff is pretty standard - taking care of their poor, being kind to the "nonbeliever" and above all not attempting to cause undue harm to the fabric of realspace. They live here, too.

No, the restart didn't help. Still hearing the static.

#office for the preservation of normalcy #ask #Yellow Circle #Outsiders

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allthegothihopgirls · 3 hours

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baptism anon @ it again. wanted to come back and say i know i said racist undertones but they aren’t exactly UNDERtones there were several times I read something and physically recoiled … also yeah every time i read what you say in response to my asks i giggle and kick my feet emotionally because you GET IT. im reading lonely place of dying next so will send you my thoughts…

also wanted to say yeah i agree on the cane user jason truther thing. and from someone who has had lifelong chronic pain i think the idea of him going from being a happy go lucky kid to being brutally murdered and having all that shit happen to him and then getting dragged back to life only to live in pain and trauma is. interesting (and by that i mean i am shaking like a wet chihuahua)

and on a last note… i have this headcanon that lazarus pits HURT. like hell. i mean you’re being forcibly dragged back to life and i think especially if you had been dead for a while prior to everything, but even if you were killed and thrown in there a few minutes later. not sure why i think this? i think i read a fic where a character was put through it and it reduced them to just sort of sobbing in pain and thrashing like a wounded animal and. i know that isn’t CANON but I think it’s sooooo much more fucked up like that and im a fucked up shit enjoyer. so. thoughts on being revived being incredibly physically painful in and of itself, not even counting the aftermath?

anon you have ME all giddy and kicking my feet giggling when you send asks!!!!

you had me rereading a death in the family AND a lonely place of dying yesterday... and yeah, yikes. unfortunately racism is a common theme for batman comics in general, especially the further back you go. the content of those comics will only get more jarring the longer they've been published.

i 100% agree with the sentiment of jason going from being a 'happy-go-lucky' kid, to brutally dying, and coming back through trials and tribulations, only then forced to live in pain arguably worse. defying the odds, but at what cost???? i can so see how he'd resent it, and even feel an amount of hatred for his circumstances.

i LOVE the idea of resurrection via lazarus pits being an excruciating process.. in hbo titans (i know we all have mixed opinions on it... throw rotten tomatoes at me or something) they explore a similar-ish concept. the resurrection itself is something the victim actually has to fight for (unknowingly), and they're put through trials of their worst memories and fears, having to combat through the mental and physical anguish to be successfully revived, or the resurrection fails and they never emerge from the pit.

i think i enjoy that concept more than the pit causing aimless pain, although i do also think the aftermath of revival should be painful, but in a different way, like a full-body sensation of a wound in it's first stage of healing. almost like they've been revived with a completely new body, one fresh to the world and unfamiliar, it needs breaking in, in order to begin feeling comfortable to live in. and in the meantime, EVERYTHING is going to hurt.

similar to a butterfly in a chrysalis, the fight for new beginnings (revival) is a task in itself, and an act of metamorphosis (the trials causing both mental and physical anguish).

etc etc. that's how i imagine resurrection via lazarus pit to be.

#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i love this #asks #baptism anon #!!!!!!!!#lazarus pit #jason todd #dc comics #dcu #dc #red hood #under the red hood #a death in the family #gothihop speaks

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duckiemimi · 8 months

Text

this was submitted as a submission! i kept their username hidden just in case they wanted their privacy! also, a heads up—i’ll be talking about death and ideation here.

what is a punishment for a monster?

this’ll be a little soft and embarrassing, but who am i if not soft and embarrassing? i think that’s a good thing. i hope you think so, too.

“punishment for a monster” is a very personal story to me. to this day, i’m not quite sure what prompted me to write it. i can’t really pinpoint a specific event in my life that inspired the structure and the story, but i do know that it felt like a long, overdue hug. it felt it was waiting for me, too.

you ask how i came up with the concept.

if i could pick out a more concrete moment of inspiration, it would be after watching Mike Flanagan’s “Haunting of Hill House”! i won’t spoil you too much,

***(skip this part if you’d rather watch it first!)***

but there’s a character in the show who goes around talking to his dead wife on an every day basis, like she’s there but not really there. at first, we’re led to believe that it’s a classic case of a haunting, like the title implies. by the end of the story, it becomes less clear, more murky. it seemed to me like he kept holding onto the memories of her, like he’d built a moving image of his late wife with every moment of her he could remember. so, yeah: she was there, but not really there. memories are building blocks, i think.

***(spoiler over; you’re good!)***

i’ve always had an interest in death and the afterlife, what it means for the people who keep going and what it means for the people who rest. it’s not particularly religious in nature; hell, i’d consider myself far from religious. i don’t know. i guess i wanted to know why some circles close and why circles don’t. why does the pen stop moving?

my cousin died earlier during the pandemic, and it was also during the time i was put on watch. actually, i think i wanted to go before she actually went. i’m older than her, but i guess that didn’t really mean anything in the end. i’ll always be older. and anyway, it’s selfish to want to go when someone’s already on their way, isn’t it?

in my culture, when people die, sometimes they come back as dreams. they’d come back one last time to say goodbye, and that’s when you know they’re happier. i never saw my cousin in my dreams. i guess i wouldn’t call us close. i hope she visited my sister, though. she wouldn’t tell me, but i don’t pry. it’s something between them only.

you ask about the title.

i’ll be honest, i didn’t really know what to title the story. pinterest is a treasure trove of ideas. all i knew was that it had to be a quote about “punishment.”

“It’s a fitting punishment for a monster. to want something so much—to hold it in your arms—and know beyond a doubt you will never deserve it.”

that’s the full quote from a book titled “The Wrath and the Dawn” by Renee Ahdieh. i’ve never read the book before. i’m sure it’s beautiful, and i know that even by this one line. maybe i’ll read it some day.

it’s a sweet irony, i think, to title a story about healing and second chances “punishment for a monster”, to title a story about forgiveness and metamorphosis something so punitive and cruel. but i guess it works in both geto and gojo’s cases. who is the monster here? who is being punished? but i think people can change. i think love transmutes.

you ask if i was as broken as you as you read it.

well, maybe. i tend to realize things in hindsight. at the time, i was only focused on geto and gojo, where to put my commas and spaces, what words to use to talk about loss. i only realized later on that i’ve typed up most of me into it, too. but isn’t that all art? isn’t art just a giant portrait of who we are at the time? i’m rewriting “honesty corner” and i considered rewriting “punishment for a monster”, but i think i want to keep that picture of me from then. if i ever muster up the courage to read it again, it’ll be like looking through a photo album.

i would write more of how i conceptualized geto and gojo in the story, but i think we’ve connected well enough for you to know what i meant. i read every single comment and so many of you have such personal tethers to the story. i won’t get in your way; you deserve to mourn the way you want, too. and anyway, grief is never-ending. it’s a lifetime thing and it isn’t always linear, and though you carry it for life, it doesn’t define you. love defines you.

(though you could say grief is an extension of love. how’s that poem go again? grief is love in a heavy coat?)

thank you so much for liking a story i wrote of my two favorite characters. i don’t think life is made up of straight lines. one day, when we’re both ready, let’s have some clementines at the table.

#punishment for a monster #geto suguru #gojo satoru #jujutsu kaisen #submissions #clementines at the table

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see-arcane · 2 months

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So I've heard quite a bit about Richard "Em Dash" Marsh and his book The Beetle, but I've been quite curious: What elements about it are compelling? I refuse to read the book itself (made that mistake with... other gothic-based media (Damn you, Moore), so I was curious about your thoughts on it?

I think it's just the sheer amount of wasted opportunity for metaphor left laying around. Like, I know everyone likes to call it "Dracula but so much shittier," but I've always seen more resemblance to Kafka's "The Metamorphosis," and not just for the insect element.

The two characters we're introduced to as (mistaken) protagonist and antagonist are Robert Holt and the Beetle. Holt is a clerk who lost his job, applied everywhere after, followed all the rules he was taught to trust in, certain that society would naturally play as fairly with him...only to find himself homeless and starved and refused entrance even to a shelter because it was too full. He watches on in mingled surprise and envy as a fellow vagrant blithely breaks a window and waits to be arrested, thrown in jail for the sake of shelter from the rain.

Robert Holt does not throw a brick with him. Robert Holt is too shackled by his ingrained sense of If I Follow the Rules, If I am a Good Citizen, I Will be Helped.

He isn't. He walks away into the rain, still starving, still scraped off the edge of society, shooed like vermin. He reaches the Beetle's home with its window ajar. He slinks in.

And then is immediately preyed on by the Beetle, his free will suddenly ripped away, ordered to strip and walk and talk and die and live and rob and generally be violated on every mental and external level. He is literally so low as to be overpowered and stepped on by an insect.

But Holt isn't immune to his own (read: Marsh's) callousness. He refers to the Beetle, who is an Egyptian visitor here for revenge reasons, in some fairly ugly terms. How much we can shrug off as being a fear/disgust response versus being Conditioned to Other Anyone Not Anglo-Saxon Enough is up in the air in-universe.

The frustration here is that between this opening and the future cast members' rancid treatment of Holt, who tries to help and warn them, and of the Beetle, met with disdain simply for being a foreigner in England before one chitinous move can be made, there could have been SO MUCH to play with in terms of...

Human beings reduced to pests not worth dignity or care because they are Poor, they are Homeless, they are the Lowest Rung of Society, they are Foreign, they are Dirty and Different from What's White Right

The examination of in-fighting of 'verminous' people. Figurative insects living underfoot in supposedly civilized countries, now preying on and demeaning each other rather than extending the empathy they were never shown by polite*** society

Spotlighting the brutality and villainous aspects of our group of well-to-do "heroes", the main cast being mixed up in building genocidal weapons and plotting asylum stays for romantic rivals and hypocrisy and so many layers of bigotry it makes your eyes ache

A better version of the story in which the aforementioned genocidal weapon, a killer gas to be used on South America for some fucking reason, becomes the focus of the story--bonus points for the accidental 'bug spray' comparison to be made--with the potential of the Beetle and Holt switching tracks from singular vengeance and/or the desperate thwarting of this fruition; knowing that the existence of such a thing would be a prelude to 'dealing with the vermin problem' on a terrifying scale. Perhaps by making use of a new kind of 'shelter.' The insects become the heroes, the polished creme of England now turned to fertilizer.

...a better version that might have Holt ending the story with his own metamorphosis, but as a Gregor Samsa with actual strength and will of his own, and acceptance waiting for him on the other side of the change.

But no.

Richard Dickard Marsh couldn't be bothered to reach beyond squeezing out a Sydney Atherton-shaped turd onto the typewriter and calling it done.

It's so, so, SO goddamn infuriating as a storyteller to find the seeds for something that would have been amazing and groundbreaking, especially for its time period, only to see the whole thing salted and burned until all that's left is racist caricatures, a trashfire of a plot, and the most eye-watering syntax ever put to paper.

#in which I am Bitter about the Beetle #the beetle #richard marsh #I hope he's being eaten by scarabs in the afterlife

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anons-has-hlvrai-aus · 1 month

Text

The Metamorphosis of Gordon Freeman [Chapter 2]

Chapter 1 | Next Chapter

Chapter Summary: Gordon has some shit to do, and Benrey seems insistent on being there as well. Where’s he been? Why isn’t the rest of the Science Team concerned? What hell is “imprinting?”

Word Count: 9,884

Notes: From this Chapter onwards it gonna be at least partially blatant that Gordon…is kinda a jerk to the Science Team? I don’t see it depicted much in the fics I’ve read, but Gordon is kinda a shit person in HLVRAI, so I wanted to try my hand at writing him that way. If you don’t feel comfortable reading a version of Gordon that is kinda controlling and apathetic towards his friends, might wanna just skip out on this fic.

Also I know this is the funny “Gordon Feetman dick slip” fandom but I’m just letting y’all know that this chapter does contain like one joke about sex? It’s more like Gordon mistakenly thinks that’s what’s happening during the “Imprinting” Scene so if you wanna skip that, the bit starts at ‘Gordon tensed up…’ and ends at ‘Neither am I…’. I’ll separate the joke with some “***” just to be extra careful.

By the good graces of some god, or maybe a programmer somewhere, a vehicle pulled into the driveway just before Gordon started to leave to pick up dinner. It was an orange and black minibus that Gordon recognized quite well. The gaudy-looking Volkswagen had been “adopted” by the Science Team about three years ago, during an impromptu investigation into the unassuming remains of the Black Mesa Research Center. The van’s actual owner was one of his neighbors from across the street, and he was pretty sure the only reason she allowed the Science Team to even look at the van after their rocky first encounter was because she found their shenanigans amusing.

Regardless of the reasons, the arrival of the Anomalous Materials Van (AMV) was always a good sign.

Bubby was the first to exit the van, from the driver's seat, of course; he would accept no place less in any vehicle if it could be helped. There had been plenty of times where Bubby was so outraged at the prospect of somebody else driving that he would quite literally drive himself (mind you, the man could apparently turn into a car at will) to wherever the group needed to go, regardless of if he had any passengers or not.

“You’re here early…” Was all Gordon could whisper as he exited his home in sweatpants and an MIT hoodie. The sight of even one living team member made his relief audible.

“I know.” Said Bubby, “I didn’t plan to be here before the food arrived, but Tommy wanted somebody to make sure you weren’t having a fucking heart attack when he found out…” He looked over to where the former security guard was looking out one of the windows. “that was going on. Harold and I seemed the most qualified to handle things until everybody else could make it over.”

Gordon looked over as well to catch Benrey exchanging funny faces with one of his neighbors. From what Gordon could tell, the neighbor in question was wearing a bun in her hair, meaning it might have been Gina, checking to make sure the AMV was still in good condition. He couldn’t tell because the windows there had been tinted, but that was his best guess.

“Where is Dr. Coomer?” He asked.

“Hello, Gordon!!!” Exclaimed a muffled voice inside the AMV. The doors to the rear of the van swung open, and the good doctor himself shot out of the trunk like a spring onto the opposite side of the road. The sound of broken glass matched itself with the humorous manifestation of a Coomer-shaped hole in his neighbors’ window, followed by the gleeful utterance of “Hello, Dr. Cross!”

Bubby looked in the direction of the mess his spouse had created. “I think he earned nine points for style on that one.”

“I don’t think we should be encouraging property destruction.” Gordon said firmly. “I’m pretty sure that’s frowned upon, usually, by most people.”

“Gordon,” Dr. Coomer announced his spontaneous appearance. “We’re not people!”

“Right, yeah, artificial intelligence, yeah, I know. But the least we can do is pretend for a while? If not for our sake than for the sake of my neighbors that have to deal with our bullshit.”

“If you don’t want our bullshit at your house,” Bubby reminded Gordon. “We could alway just host the bullshit at mine and Harold’s instead.”

“I’m not fucking doing that. I am NOT fucking doing that!” Gordon immediately shook his head violently at the suggestion, “Last time we tried that we nearly got Forzen and his weird cousin killed. Not exactly the best way for us to mend bridges with them.”

“If they didn’t want to party Bubby Style, they shouldn’t have agreed to party during Ed Balls Day.”

“What does that-?”

“Why do you think Forzen’s cousin is weird?”

He gawked for a second. “I-wha-? Don’t just dodge the original topic!” Gordon let his arms fall to his sides. “Whatever. I just don’t think we should be, you know, keeping the Xen aliens as pets until they’re somewhat domesticated first? It’s like trying to take care of raccoons or possums, they’re still wild animals and you shouldn’t be encouraging that shit.”

“Technically only one of his pets is from Xen, but I guess I can see where you’re coming from.”

Benrey popped up in the middle of the group, uninvited of course. “You’re playing nice with bootboys now? Laaaame!”

“Not all of them, dear god no. Just the ones that were smart enough to leave.” Bubby explained, “Did nobody tell you that?”

“No.”

“Oh. That’s my bad then. I thought Tommy would have told you at least, since you two are friends. Forzen and a bunch of other soldiers left the US military following some shit involving a ‘double cover-up’ after we left for Xen, and now they’re trying to sue BIG TIME. They’re all sharing an apartment on the other side of town. We’ll have to take you over to visit at some point.”

Gordon turned to Bubby. “Hey, can we go back to the part where you and Dr. Coomer came over to make sure I was okay?”

“Hello, Gordon!”

“Hey, Dr. Coomer.” He waved. “You and Bubby are awfully calm about the fact that Benrey is back. How long have-?”

“Terrible news, Gordon. Tommy and his father are VERY busy this afternoon. I’m afraid Benny showing up when he did has caused a pileup of paperwork on their end.”

“Oh shit.” Gordon and Benrey both muttered. The latter seemed to show a hint of actual distress at the news.

“Now, gentlemen, there’s no need to feel downtrodden. Tommy will show before the movie starts. Let’s get inside before it freezes over out here.”

“Actually-!” Gordon rummaged around his pocket for his keys, “I kinda have to get everybody’s food. I trust you guys to not destroy my house so…”

“Hello, Gordon! Go right ahead. Everybody’s orders except for your own should be on the ‘food list’ that Benrey gave you.

“Oh cool. That certainly saves me a lot of trouble.” Gordon took out and unfolded the list for emphasis.

“Did you get my text?” Asked Bubby.

“Yeah. Sausage melt, mushrooms and tomato on your browns, pecans for Coomer’s waffle.”

The older man lifted his chin up smugly. “Good.”

Gordon folded the paper back up before getting into his car, waiting a moment after he turned on the engine. Normally this was when his mind would go fuzzy and when he came back to reality he would be at the Waffle House ordering food.

He let out a long sigh and turned to look at the back of the car.

“Can uh, can I come too?” Of course it was Benrey.

“I’m not going to steal anything from the fucking Waffle House, dude.”

“Yeah but, I still wanna come with you though, please and thank you?”

He turned back around and silently started driving.

Gordon was very, very thankful that Laszlo was working tonight when he went to get food; he was also thankful that Benrey had enough self-control to stay in the car for about fifteen minutes when asked to do so. He would have preferred if Benrey hadn’t gotten out of the car at all, but he wasn’t being disruptive or anything, and he actually seemed insistent on making sure the orders were correct when they came out (you know how it is with ordering out for more than two people) so it was mostly fine. It gave him and Laszlo time to catch up.

Gordon enjoyed talking with Laszlo, the guy had been a freshman in college when the Science Team first moved into Poastgame, and just a few months from now he would be graduating with a Bachelor’s in Philosophy. He supposed the younger man’s enthusiasm for his studies reminded him of himself from when he was still young and not yet broken by the events of Black Mesa, or at least a version of himself that theoretically existed but never did, and that was why he always felt eager to talk with the young man while he waited for the food to be prepared.

Faint smudges of green covered the edges of Gordon’s vision while they talked, and they lingered after he had left the Waffle House and was driving home. It took Benrey trying to talk to Gordon about something that made the color fade away, if only because he now had to focus on something else.

“Sorry man, could you repeat that?” Gordon requested, “I wasn’t listening. I’m not ignoring you on purpose, I'm just, you know, focused on other things right now.”

“Oh yeah, no problem. I said I saw a uhh,” He smacked his lips, “Vonnegut. In the Waffle House. I wanted to shoot it but you weren’t freaking out about it so I didn’t.”

“That was Gary, he’s cool. Most of the Vortigaunts are cool now, actually. I’m surprised you didn’t notice the abundance of Xen life sooner, although I guess you were busy sleeping and playing Heavenly Sword.”

“I noticed. Just didn’t think any of them could do people stuff.”

“Most of them don’t, the Vortigaunts an exception.”

Earth, outside of some notable areas, had actually been handling the Xen wildlife pretty well, all things considered. Gordon was surprised at first, but had accepted it pretty quickly when it became clear there wasn’t going to be an ecological collapse anytime soon. The Post Game had been crafted with peace in mind, but he did recall something about an ‘inevitability’ that would come up ‘within the next 20 or so years,’ so he was on edge about every tiny thing that changed around him, at least until he was certain it wasn’t going to cause a problem.

Benrey was a pretty sizable change in his life, so any kind of small talk with him was making him incredibly nervous right now about that inevitably. Did the rest of the Science Team know about the inevitability? Of course not, they didn’t need to worry about that, this was a problem for Gordon Freeman alone to be nervous about.

Perhaps Benrey could sense his nervousness, because neither of them talked for the remainder of the drive home.

Tommy and Darnold had arrived before the food did, and they had ended up bringing the movie for that night. The main menu for the disc played on loop while they all ate, and everybody enjoyed their food. Gordon had to remind Tommy partway through dinner to not drink too much soda, receiving an indiscernible look from the man before he obliged, but other than that there were no issues while they ate.

The rest of movie night also went well, a surprise to Gordon since he was expecting Benrey to cocoon everybody partway through their viewing of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. It would have been thematically appropriate, at least as far as Gordon was concerned.

Something that was bothering him though was how, well, unbothered everybody else was by comparison about Benrey’s presence. The guy had enough time between his PS Plus running out and him getting to Gordon’s house that he got everybody’s orders for the night, which was fine, but that definitely was not enough time for everybody to get the shock of “Holy shit Benrey is back” out of their systems.

So, why was Gordon the only one even marginally concerned? It had been one thing during Black Mesa, he had been annoying at best and traitorous at worst, but after everything that happened he expected…something else? The theater, the heist, none of those were safe from Benrey, and nobody seemed bothered by this except for Gordon.

Like always, Gordon Freeman was wrong until proven right. All he could do now was wait for Benrey to act out so he could have the justification to kill him again.

As the credits rolled, everybody stretched, and said their goodbyes. Coomer and Bubby gestured for Gordon to follow them to the AMV.

“Gordon, we need to talk.” Coomer said once outside.

“A good old yehaw, as Bubby puts it?” He tilted his head.

Bubby nodded. “Yes. It’s a bit late for it now though. Let’s meet up at the same time tomorrow. Depending on how it goes, it might be a long one. The others have already agreed to it.”

“Okay?” Fair enough, I guess.”

“Good.”

And with that, the older men drove off. Tommy and Darnold left not long after, leaving only Benrey to deal with as Gordon came back inside.

Always Benrey.

He sat on the back frame of the couch, his legs wedged between the cushions on the couch’s back while he pressed himself against the wall. It reminded Gordon of a meme Tommy showed him that depicted various incorrect ways to sit on a sofa.

“Yo.”

“You gotta go, man.” Gordon sighed, “It’s almost midnight.”

“Nu-uh.”

“What-?!” He huffed, “Why? What do you need now?”

“You gotta come to my house now. You said you wanted to come but you couldn’t because you were busy with Movie Night stuff.”

Shit. He did say that, didn’t he? He shouldn’t be surprised that the rules you follow for fairies would also apply to Benrey somewhat. “Okay. Well, where’s your house at? How far away is it?”

“S’not that far. I can take you.” Benrey held out his empty palm.

Gordon’s anxiety skyrocketed.

This was it. This was how he was going to die.

At least he watched a good movie and ate some pretty decent waffles before the end.

Gordon didn’t actually die, of course, but he almost wished he had with how disoriented he felt by the time Benrey had finally gotten them where he wanted to be. Gordon had never noclipped before, he was pretty sure nobody except for Benrey and those fucking skeletons could anyways, and he certainly didn’t want to do it again after being dragged along for about five minutes through trees and dirt and stone and possibly somebody’s house, all at an absolutely wretched speed. The sensation of going through an object, to the best of Gordon’s own description, felt like his insides were being tickled with sandpaper. He wasn’t a fan, but he could probably tolerate the trip home if given enough time to mentally prepare himself.

Now that they had reached their destination, though, Gordon couldn’t decide which he dreaded more: the return trip home (if he returned home), or whatever the inside of Benrey’s house looked like.

The outside said ‘house’ wasn’t even a real house. It looked like a decently-sized gardening shed that had been left behind at an old depot and moved into the woods they were currently standing in. The aged quality of the wood was perhaps made up for by the artistry on display; shades of blue and gray were tastefully painted on to make a pretty exterior, but that was somewhat tarnished by the obnoxiously colored fairy lights that decorated every edge of the shed (because of course the alien fairy-man would have fairy lights). There was also a handful of generators behind the house, at least one of them was keeping the lights on.

“Come inside. Come see my house.” Benrey said, his tone sounded friendly, which Gordon was not in any way used to.

Gordon wanted to run, but Benrey had already established that he could go disgustingly fast without even trying, so he wearily accepted the invitation like some reluctant vampire.

The inside was a bit closer to what he expected. The walls were unpainted, there was a plastic grocery bag filled with…something, and the floor was littered with video game cases, cigarette butts and dead leaves. Benrey’s gaming setup was a small flatscreen tv with a long crack running from one corner to the other, a PlayStation console with controllers, and a bizarre collection of wires, meshes, and other stuff that clearly served a purpose. It scared him, it made him want to scream, and yet he was genuinely curious about what exactly it was.

It was too much, he had to know.

“Hey.”

“Yo!”

He pointed at the Wire Wad. “What the fuck is that?”

“That’s the internet.”

Gordon looked at the Wad again. “The internet?”

“Yeah. I don’t have money for internet. So I just made my own. It works good. I could teach ya. Never have to pay for internet ever again, you’ll save SO MUCH cash bro.”

He shook his head. “No thanks. Gonna politely decline that for now. Still got plenty from the heist. And also the government.” He was pretty sure Benrey was just leaching off of somebody else’s service provider anyways. Still though, if that thing was actually allowing Benrey to play online games, that was pretty impressive in his eyes. Gordon didn’t know how modems and routers were made, or really even how they worked. Didn’t make Benrey any less of a freak or a threat, though.

“Tommy’s dad gives you free stuff too?”

“No! Nononono, I meant the U.S. government. Does Mister Coolatta actually work for a governmental body? I’ve never asked, he scares me too much to ask.”

Benrey shrugged and turned on the console and the flatscreen, sitting on the floor as he did so. “I saw his office once. It has so much fucking emu in there. Only government people have offices.” He smacked his lips obnoxiously, “But yeah, he probably works for the government.”

Gordon quietly tried to parse what was truth and what was Benrey talking utter nonsense. Because if there was one thing he had to start reminding himself of again, it’s that Benrey was a master of making shit up. He had totally forgotten that fact with their conversation in the yard, and while it seemed like he was mostly telling the truth, he was starting to suspect that Benrey maybe didn’t sleep for 4 years straight, or eat squirrels, among other things. He believed the squirrels more than he did the sleeping. He certainly didn’t lie about the microwave though, there wasn’t a single one in sight.

“Wanna play games?” Benrey asked.

Did he have a choice? He didn’t exactly have any way to get home without Benrey’s help.

“Yeah, sure, fine. Can’t really leave anyways.” Gordon replied in a defeated tone. His skin crawled in discomfort. “Just not for too long, though. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.” He was about to sit next to Benrey, but the man quickly stood upright again. “What-Why are you standing?”

“You should leave.”

“I thought you wanted me to play video games with you.”

“I did.”

“Then why’d you change your mind?”

“You gotta go to the doctor bro. That’s more important than video games.”

“I’m not going right now, it’s an afternoon appointment. I just don’t want to play too late and not have enough time to sleep and get ready in the morning.”

“Oh you’re a naughty little boy.” Benrey’s face morphed into something mischievous. “Staying up past your bedtime.” He took Gordon’s hand, his right hand, to drag him back outside. “We can do video games tomorrow.”

“Don’t-!”

“Let’s goooooo!” And off they went, noclipping back home. He hated this. He HATED this. He HATED THIS so much.

Gordon yanked his hand out of Benrey’s the moment they stopped moving.

“DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME!!!” He hissed. Orange and red speckles covered his vision as he distanced himself. “Don’t you dare touch me without asking first. Especially not my hand. Especially not THAT hand.” He tucked his right arm around his waist and used the spare one to gesture for emphasis.

Benrey wore that stupid, blank, unreadable expression again. “Oh. Shit.” He looked around at anything in front of him other than Gordon. “I did kinda take without asking that time, huh?”

“Yeah. You did.”

Gordon would have preferred an apology of some sort, but he supposed that Benrey silently ragdolling onto the driveway would have to do instead. He contemplated running him over in the morning, since the man’s body never de-spawned upon death like Coomer’s or Bubby’s, but he had a sneaking suspicion that Benrey didn’t actually die of guilt like Gordon would have hoped, and that running him over would probably make him mad.

He could have thrown him in somebody’s yard. Half of the houses in Gordon’s side of the neighborhood belonged to a former Black Mesa employee, all of whom had come from departments untouched by the Science Team, and all of whom had packed heat to escape in one piece. At least one of those people would know enough about Benrey to shoot some buckshot or a laser-guided rocket at him.

And yet, as the color left the edges of his vision, he couldn’t help but feel some sort of guilt? He shouldn’t have, Benrey was by all means his tormenter.

‘But he’s not hurting you now. He’s never really tried to hurt you on purpose, even the hand was an accident. He sounded rather surprised when it happened. Annoying at best, remember?’

Gordon wished desperately that he could block out that tiny voice that occasionally tried to pull him towards the irrational. It only got this vocal if the irrational thoughts were especially tantalizing.

No, no, no.

He would not feel sympathy, he would not humanize the (not) human incarnation of an internet troll, and he certainly wouldn’t ever talk to the man again (less he felt compelled to have those irrational thoughts again).

Gordon huffed and marched up to his front door.

The knob jiggled, but did not turn.

Gordon always left his keys in the house when he got in, and he always locked the front door when it wasn’t in use.

Benrey had noclipped them to his place when they were inside Gordon’s house, which was where Gordon’s keys were.

The scientist that still somewhat resided in Gordon mumbled to him. ‘Option, what are your options?’

He didn’t have a spare key. He always told himself he’d get one in case of an emergency. And now here he was, without a spare hey.

He couldn’t pick a lock, didn’t know how.

He couldn’t break any windows. After the Science Team had made a habit of breaking his windows, either by accident or on purpose, Gordon specifically hired a guy to install whatever shatter-proof glass they had in Black Mesa. It was probably a fire hazard, but Gordon could always just open the window if he was inside. He had a heat-resistant hand now, after all.

‘Well, time to consider asking for help.’

It was already after midnight (at least that’s what time he felt that it was), so everybody else was probably asleep; Coomer and Bubby because they were old, Darnold and Tommy because they had a job and an internship, respectively, they had to be awake for in the morning. They were all either heavy sleepers or kept their phone silenced when they slept, a new development after Gordon had convinced everybody he wasn’t going to be waking up from any more nightmares.

Forzen and his fraternity of ex-military buddies were probably still up, but they were half an hour away, and Gordon didn’t have his car keys (in the house) on him to drive over or his phone (also in the house) to call them and pick the lock.

No phone meant he couldn’t call anybody from his “Normal Friends” Group to help either.

All of his direct neighbors were people he barely knew, plus his neighbors across the street.

Yeah. No. He was not asking those two.

One of them had direct ties to the Biological Research Department in Black Mesa, and anybody that worked in the department responsible for those accursed prototypes was not to be allowed favors.

He also didn’t think he had the confidence to talk to his more normal neighbors for fear of judgment. How was he supposed to explain to a normal person how he got locked out of the house like this? There’s no way this was a common occurrence. Granted, he had never asked before how common this was, but he certainly wasn’t going to find out like this.

Gordon sighed, hung his head into his palms for a bit, and walked back to Benrey’s limp form to stare at it.

“Yo.” Benrey’s newest vessel walked over from the corner of his vision after a little while. “Thought you were going to bed.”

‘Process of elimination, Freeman.’ His inner scientist said.

“………Can you please noclip me back into my house?”

Given that Benrey had saved Gordon from being locked out for the night, he supposed it was only fair that he gave in to the irrational thoughts just this once and let Benrey stay over for a while. Disproportionately nice, maybe, but he honestly couldn’t see that shed lasting longer than another week or so before eventually falling apart. So really, Gordon was giving himself some favors by making sure Benrey didn’t inevitably become homeless.

By the time Gordon had showered to get the feeling of dank forest out of his skin, Benrey was already making noise in the kitchen. He offhandedly gave him permission to do so, knowing that it would be better in the long run to let him get all the snooping over with on night one.

Gordon threw on something only loosely defined as pajamas: some tacky bell bottom pants that he had no recollection of buying (and wouldn’t dare wear in public) and an oversized shirt lovingly gifted by some former coworkers that read ‘I survived the falling portion of HEV training and all I got was this shirt’. The latter was one in a large collection of novelty shirts, almost all of which were related to Black Mesa in some way, shape, or form.

He considered walking over to Benrey wearing the shirt that Forzen’s cousin had printed to say ‘I don’t have enough words to express how sorry I am about the hand thing. I’m not sure what hell happened there or what prompted it, but it was super fucked up’ in a massive wall of text. Gordon figured that it was on-the-nose if he wanted to get an apology out of Benrey, but he was listening to the irrational thoughts right now, and those were telling him to be nice, so he wore a different shirt. It was probably for the better, that shirt itched like hell.

He walked out into the hallway to check on his tormentor.

The man had pulled out the couch cushions and unfolded the blanket to create a fort.

“Please put those back in the morning.”

“Yo! Didn’t see ya man.” Benrey was sitting on the ‘ceiling’ of his fort. “Just testing out the structural stability of Fort Benrey.”

“Cool, alright. Gordon’s going to bed now.”

“Bedtime?”

“Yeah, bedtime. Good night.”

“Good night!”

“Good night, Benrey.”

On the way back to his room, Gordon took a quick detour to the bathroom to brush his teeth and contemplate what the hell he was doing to himself. There must have been something wrong with him if he was actually letting some stupid irrational thought compel him to let Benrey stay with him. Something wrong with his head, perhaps? He supposed it was a good thing he was going to the doctor tomorrow.

Finally, he made his way to the bedroom.

“…Really?”

Benrey sat at the foot of the bed awkwardly.

“Whatever. It’s late, I don’t care.”

He had to move around the smaller man to finally get into bed. Benrey didn’t move until Gordon was already under the covers, upon which he then attempted to tuck Gordon in and turned off the lights.

“Hey, uh,” Benrey spoke softly and with perhaps the most clarity Gordon had ever heard. “So Tommy explained the hand thing to me while you were outside. And I’m, uh. Sorry. About that. I didn’t know They would do that to you. And I didn’t know your hand wouldn’t grow back. Or that the hand thing would fuck up your brain chemicals.”

“What prompted this?” He shifted around to his usual sleeping position.

“I just. I wanna be a friend, ya know? I did kinda do too much with the passport thing. It was a new rule, I wanted to be S-Rank security guard and enforce it properly, but I wasn’t gonna push it, ya know?” Benrey tilted his head. “But you were stressing so fucking bad dude. I thought you were nervous about the test because everybody was talking about how big and important the test was that day. I thought ‘oh shit this guy is super stressed I totally need to un-stress him’. So I-”

“So you asked for my passport?”

“Yeah sorry it was all I could think about, other than Heavenly Sword. I thought it would be funny. You started sorta laughing and I thought it was working, so I followed you around and kept doing it.”

“So what about that fucking Boss Fight?”

A pause. “Tommy says I overdo my jokes sometimes. I thought I was being a silly guy, a funny fella. Thought I was keeping you none-stressed, but I was actually making you big-stressed. And that’s bad. You were getting mad and I didn’t know why, and it made me mad. Making Mad, collectors edition, now with special edition Benrey apology cut! I wanna be a friendly fella, just a funny little guy.” He looked at Gordon with another one of those almost-smiles, “I’m trying to be nice and read, uh, better. So we can be friends. And not be mad anymore.”

Gordon looked at Benrey blankly. “I don’t think I fucking believe you. You’ve said so much shit to me in the week we knew each other that I genuinely don’t know if I can or should believe that story.”

Benrey’s face was unreadable in the dark room, but his eyes definitely conveyed an emotion he didn’t recognize on the man. “Okay.”

“Okay. We done now?”

“Ya-no. Uh. I was gonna ask if I could. Imprint on you.”

“Imprint on me? Like a baby duck? What do you fucking mean by imprint?”

He shrugged. “I dunno man. It just feels important.”

“This isn’t going to kill me or fuck me up in some way?”

“Don’t think so.”

Gordon let out a long sigh. “Okay, yeah, fine. We can do that. I’ve learned by now that there’s no point in arguing with you.”

“I mean, I won’t do it if you don’t want me to. It won’t work if you don’t want me to.”

He huffed, “Do you want to do it or not?”

“I do but I’m not gonna force you.”

Talking with Benrey was like arguing with a cat. Cat says it wants one thing, you give it the thing, and then the cat doesn’t want it anymore. Except with Benrey you could give him what he wants and then he’ll have a stupid loophole to say you didn’t actually give it to him.

Gordon slammed his head into his pillow with an annoyed grumble. “Make up your mind man. Whatever. Good night.”

“Good night.”

About four hours later, Gordon sat back up.

He couldn’t sleep. His curiosity had been piqued by the imprinting thing, and the fact that Benrey hadn’t forced that shit onto him only made it even more intriguing. Damn those irrational thoughts that plagued his brain, and damn his inner scientist for being a nosy little bastard.

Benrey hadn’t moved from the foot of the bed, but he had definitely been sleeping because, when Gordon shined his phone’s flashlight at him, his eyes flicked open like a switch.

“Hey, you promise that imprinting thing isn’t gonna turn my skin green or put eggs inside of me?”

“Wha-? Oh, yeah. Pinky prommy.” He extended a balled-up fist and held his pinky out.

“Fine.” He laid both arms out in front of himself, using one to exchange the sacred promise. “Do whatever the fuck it is you need to do. I am giving you my trust and my permission to fucking…imprint on me.”

“Thank you.”

He watched Benrey hover closer to him, landing himself within arm’s length of Gordon. He sat with his legs splayed out like a fawn, which was an interesting sight.

“You can uh, imprint on me back if you want.”

Gordon shook his head. “I don’t know how to do that.”

***

Gordon tensed up as a horrible thought came to mind. “Wait wait wait! Hold on, is this-?”

Benrey, in another rare moment of clarity, realized what this probably looked like and burst into laughter. He coughed up a cloud of pink sweet voice and immediately covered his face. “Bro what the hell? What’s WRONG with you? Noooooooo!”

Gordon, ever vulnerable to Benrey’s seemingly contagious laugh, couldn’t help but join in. His vision turned a similar shade of pink to the Sweet Voice. “I didn’t know! I didn’t-!”

“You should have started with that!”

“I should have! But I didn’t!”

They laughed for another minute, Benrey uncovered his face. “You’re gonna kill me, man. I’m not even into that stuff.”

“Neither am I, I think. I’m not sure. They don’t have a manual for that kind of thing.”

“True, true.”

***

Benrey sat on his knees, fully composed once more. To Gordon’s surprise, he pried his helmet off to reveal a head of dark and messy hair. “It uh. Works better without the metal.”

Oh no. It looked…greasy. So horribly greasy. He was sure it would be so soft if Benrey ran shampoo through it several times.

“Gonna have to ask you to hold still.”

He was already doing that, but now he was extra careful about moving. As a scientist, he was obviously observing an alien mannerism in-person, so he obviously wanted to see what happens without accidentally manipulating any variables, that was all. Just a curious scientist wanting to be the control group, obviously.

Benrey leaned forward and gently butted his head into Gordon’s chest; they sat like that for a few seconds. There was a barely noticeable feeling in his heart akin to having a little knot of string tied around your finger, and he was sure that if he didn’t like the feeling he could easily remove it with a mere thought.

He didn’t feel obligated to remove it, though. It took actual effort to notice the feeling at all, and like Benrey promised it wasn’t hurting him in any way. He could easily wake up tomorrow and have forgotten the imprinting had taken place.

Soon, Benrey pulled away from Gordon. “That was it. You wanna try?”

Sure, why not. He didn’t need an irrational thought to humor this guy.

“So I just do what you did, and then what?”

Benrey shrugged, simply watching Gordon. “You just know what to do.”

“Fuck.” Gordon exhaled, bumping his head into the other man’s security vest. He waited, but he didn’t feel any different. He tried visualizing different things: a knot, ducklings, even hand-holding at one point, but nothing seemed to transpire. “I can’t do it man.”

“S’okay.” Benrey said calmly, “Probably don’t trust me yet, we can try again later.” He smirked, “Now go bad to bed, naughty boy. Sleepy boy. Gordon Sleepman.”

“Fuck off.” Gordon tried to say venomously. It came off as more humored than anything. Now that Benrey had mentioned it, Gordon did tend to laugh at Benrey’s nonsense a lot. That was a problem for Future Gordon to worry about, right now Present Gordon needed to sleep.

He woke up to a shower of toast, all sorts of toast.

Burger buns, rye bread, sourdough, white bread, any sort of bread Gordon kept in the house had appeared to him in toast form, most of it burnt, some of it nothing more than just a little warm, and occasionally a perfectly light brown slice.

“I made you breakfast.”

“I noticed.” He grumbled and pulled a slice of wheat toast out of his hair.

“You have a lot of bread.”

“I have a lot of visitors and need to do something to keep my hands busy when I talk to them. Some people talk over tea, I talk over a turkey and ham sandwich with melted American cheese.”

“You could probably just use a stim toy but okay.”

Gordon ignored him.

After ‘breakfast’, he got changed and drove to the doctor's office. Like with the Waffle House trip, Benrey was insistent on going with him, to which Gordon had to hurriedly explain to him that going into a medical facility while dressed like a fucking cop was not going to fly. If he wanted to come with, he was going to need some normal clothes.

Benrey stood in the driveway with those sad eyes again, like a lost puppy. Gordon held firm, he was not going to let Benrey win this time, so he drove off.

Benrey had other plans, of course.

It took Gordon looking up from the tablet he was supposed to be checking-in with to realize somebody else in the waiting room was looking over him. Literally.

“Owwwww. That’s my CHIN bro.” Benrey hovered in front of Gordon, rubbing over his stubble. He was dressed in jeans and an old band t-shirt that fit him very loosely.

Gordon had to admit, Benrey cleaned up pretty nicely, even if he had obviously stolen his outfit from his laundry to do so. He wouldn’t have been able to pick him out in a crowd unless he paid attention to the eyes.

The hat was new though, and clearly not meant for New Mexico weather. It was a hand-stitched beanie with a puffball at the top. He decided not to ask where it came from and instead patted at the chair next to him so Benrey didn’t freak out the other patients with his noclipping.

The man was completely quiet after he sat down.

It wasn’t out of politeness, Gordon could tell. His eyes were darting around at all the different people waiting with them, not lazing around emptily like they normally did, although they did occasionally droop enough that he had to pinch the webbing between his hands to force himself into focusing again. He paid special attention when people talked to each other.

What was it that Benrey had said last night about ‘reading better’? This might have been it, Benrey trying to ‘read’ his surroundings and how people acted in a normal setting. It made sense if that was the case, Benrey being ‘Not-Human’ meant he probably wasn’t raised on Earth or given an understanding of Earth culture; Gordon mentally beat himself up for not realizing sooner that, duh, obviously the guy that’s ‘Not-Human’ doesn’t know shit about Earth. It wasn’t an excuse though, he’d been here for a month, he should have spent more time figuring out Earth stuff instead of playing video games.

Gordon would never be that easily distracted if he was an alien, he decided.

After the tedious process of checking in and waiting ten minutes past when his appointment was supposed to be, a nurse called him over. Benrey attempted to tag along and was immediately surprised when he was barred from following Gordon past the waiting room.

“Come on man, big lame.” Benrey gently frowned.

“It’s a matter of privacy, sir.” The nurse said.

There were no further attempts to get inside, but he was obviously unsure what to do with himself.

Gordon sighed, “If it freaks you out so much that you can’t follow, how about you go take a walk around the place? There's like, a food court, and the lobby has lots of plants to look at, and a nursery on the opposite side of the building.”

“What's a nursery?”

“Uh, room where they keep all the babies. I gotta go now,” Gordon pointed at Benrey. “please stay out of trouble.”

Benrey looked like he wanted to ask something, but had little time to do so before Gordon left with the nurse. For the next half-hour, he would be blessed by the sweet and merciful gods of patient confidentiality.

Benrey wandered around the hospital, hovering a foot off the ground while he did so. Sure enough, there were plants. Unfortunately, they were fake plants, he could tell because they tasted bad. He was still hungry, despite eating breakfast with Gordon.

His metabolism completely shutting off when he slept meant he hadn’t needed to eat much until a month ago, and even then he hadn't eaten more than maybe once a week. In the past day and a half, Benrey had noclipped over multiple long distances.

He did the math in his head: he could travel 10 miles per minute (10 mi/min), the trek to his house from Gordon’s was about five minutes, then another five back. This morning he traveled two minutes from Gordon’s to Tommy’s to borrow some money, then one more to Bubby’s because Tommy wasn’t home, three minutes to the mall to buy a cool hat so nobody saw his gnarly gamerhair, and then finally eight minutes to find the right doctor’s office since he wasn’t used to tracking Gordon’s new scent. There was also the distance he traveled before he and Gordon met up yesterday, his place to Gordon’s to Tommy’s to Bubby’s to Darnold’s (two minutes) and then back to Gordon’s (two, he and Tommy were neighbors).

If he did the math right, and he usually did, that was about 360 miles in the past two days. No, he wasn’t going to show his work.

Needless to say, Benrey was understandably hungry. His Hunger Meter was only half full.

He should have gone to Black Mesa to grab a food suit while he was out, but Black Mesa was Empty Stomach distance away, and there was a high chance the suits were either gone or out of juice, both edible and electrical. Benrey didn’t want to return to Gordon’s house on an empty stomach, because then he would be tempted to eat ALL of Gordon’s food, and that would make Gordon mad.

Benrey didn’t want to make Gordon mad. There was the food court, but food costs money, and Benrey spent his money on a cool hat, which meant his alternative was to steal food, which would also make Gordon mad. Eating squirrels was an option, but that would make Gordon mad, too.

Lots of Benrey’s options for being Not Hungry would make Gordon mad. Maybe he could talk to Tommy about getting food together.

First, though, Benrey wanted to check out the nursery. That was where the babies were? He hadn’t met a baby before. He’d seen pictures of them, especially Gordon’s ugly-ass baby, but that had probably been a bad picture and was not representative of how all babies looked. Benrey knew how outliers worked.

Maybe Benrey should go introduce himself to a baby.

Gordon had a hard time trying to focus on what his doctor was saying. It was obviously nothing bad because he wasn’t being given a serious tone, but he simply couldn’t focus, how could he when he had clearly seen a trail of Sweet Voice appear in the room with him?

There he was, waiting for the doctor to show up, nervous as can be, as he typically was at these appointments. He was practicing some of his self-soothing techniques, mostly the square breathing one, and he had closed his eyes to block out visual distractions. Nothing abnormal, blue taking up the black space until he was ready to open his eyes, and as a silly little goof he decided to half-sing during his final exhale.

He opened his eyes, now calm.

Or he would have been if he hadn’t seen a wobbly trail of blue sweet voice traveling upward.

Even at the fucking doctor, Benrey couldn’t be bothered to give Gordon some privacy. He told him some places to visit, what the hell was his problem?

He silently stewed in his frustration, pretending to listen to his doctor, knowing that if there was anything important or wrong going on with him then he would be completely glued to what the other man was saying.

For some reason, he felt like this appointment had gone by much more quickly than it normally did; actually, everything since Benrey showed up had been going by much more quickly, like he was only really conscious of the more important things going on. He could remember everything he was witnessing in the normal amount of detail, but he didn’t really feel like he was experiencing it all correctly.

Probably the stress, and by ‘the stress’ he meant Benrey. Leave it to his tormentor to destroy Gordon’s sense of time by mere presence. And of course, he was so nervous about his invasion of privacy that he forgot to ask about the irrational thoughts thing, great. Whatever, be could drag Benrey about the privacy thing on the drive home.

God, the drive home. He’s gonna have to actually drive home instead of letting Fast Travel do it for him, again.

He really would prefer to just abandon Benrey here and go home himself, get his number from Tommy and leave a text saying he ‘accidentally’ forgot he was still at the doctor’s office. Alas, Gordon was a responsible adult, and he knew it would be cruel to the normal people of Poastgame to leave Benrey unattended for much longer.

It didn’t take long to find Benrey. Following his inquiry about the nursery, Gordon suspected he would try looking for it, and he had been right! The man stood in front of the massive pane of glass of which one could easily look at all the babies inside. The window was smudged with the imprints of Benrey’s face while the man himself was standing stock still mere inches away from it.

In one hand, Benrey had a small pile of pamphlets, and in the other he had one of his fingers trapped in the mighty grasp of an infant, held tenderly by a young woman that, along with her husband, seemed unbothered by the non-human. The couple was so unbothered, in fact, that they were clearly carrying a conversation to Benrey about something.

Gordon stepped over to get Benrey’s attention, he could see now a vague expression of wonderment in his face while the baby cooed at him.

“Bro.” Benrey whispered, looking at Gordon. “They so small? Can’t even hold a Game & Watch. Too small. Look at their little gamer hands.”

“Dude, they’re babies.” Gordon sighed, “They can’t even roll over until they’re a few months old. Of course they can’t hold a Game & Watch.” He looked at the couple, “I’m sorry about him. He’s a little-”

“Oh, it’s fine.” The man interrupted, “He actually cheered her right up. We couldn’t be more thankful.”

“I’m cool with the kids.” Benrey sounded proud about that.

“That’s great, Benrey. We need to go home now.”

“Okay.” He wiggled his finger free, getting a laugh from the baby. “Byeeee friendddds.”

The couple said their goodbyes as well while Benrey quietly tagged behind Gordon back to the car. He was the first one to break the silence of the car, of course, about halfway through their drive.

“Babies are cool. You said you have a baby, right? Joshua?”

“I did but,” Gordon felt a lump in his throat. “look, it’s a long story. Maybe I’ll explain it later.” He stopped at a red light, letting out a long sigh while orange crept into his vision. Focus, Gordon. “Hey. Why were you in my exam room?”

“What?”

“Why were you in my exam room? Don’t play fucking dumb with me, I saw the fucking Sweet Voice in my room.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, man.”

“Yes you do, YES you DO! Don’t fucking lie to me.”

“Please stop yelling.” Benrey monotonously requested.

“I just want fucking answers!” Gordon glared at Benrey, “I’m letting you stay with me, I don’t know why but I am. I could easily revoke that decision.”

“You’re getting mad at me for no reason. I didn’t DO anything!” He looked out the window, refusing to meet Gordon’s eyes. “You’re being a bad friend.”

“I don’t know what that has to do with anything we’re talking about. You said YOU wanted to be friends. A good place to start is respecting my privacy.”

“I did! I went into the lobby and tried to eat the plants and then I read about babies at the nursery and I met a baby.” Benrey looked at Gordon now, hyperfocused and stern. “I know I make stuff up to be funny, but I’m not this time!”

Benrey spewed blue at Gordon, who swatted it away angrily.

A car behind Gordon honked at him to move. “The light JUST turned green, fuck you!” He glared at Benrey again before slamming on the gas. “Whatever!!!”

They both exchanged quiet swears under their breaths for the remainder of the ride home.

Gordon just wanted to go inside and find a way to distract himself from Benrey.

The smaller man didn’t even bother waiting for Gordon to exit his vehicle when they finally got home, deciding instead he was better off noclipping into the attic. His intentions became clear when Gordon attempted to re-align the couch cushions for when the Science Team arrived, and was swiftly assaulted with the sound of stomping above him.

Benrey told him something, but it was muffled by whatever was between the floor of the attic and the downstairs ceiling.

“Can’t hear you! You fucker.” Gordon growled.

He put on some TV to pass the time, not even bothering to fix lunch for himself. He knew that eating three meals regularly was a necessity, one he found out the hard while spending time with the Science Team early on. He had been pretty good with feeding himself though, and he didn’t want to break his streak because of some shit Benrey pulled, so he shuffled to the kitchen to make himself some cheese toast.

Benrey was dangling through the ceiling and into the boxed goods cabinet, audibly crunching on something he had found like a wild animal. Either he had been hungry, too, or he was trying to get back at Gordon by eating his stuff.

His shirt rode up just a bit from how he was positioned, exposing just enough of his stomach for Gordon to notice he didn’t have a belly button.

‘Probably not a mammal.’ His inner scientist mused.

‘You should poke it.’ Chirped an irrational thought.

He shouldn’t have, but Gordon did, in fact, poke Benrey’s stomach with the handle of a spatula he was using.

Benrey made a noise like a stalling car and pulled himself out of the cabinet.

“Not cool, man.” He mumbled, clipping the rest of the way back into the attic.

Gordon didn’t care, he had a cheese toast to make. A few slices of white bread, generously topped with grated cheese, were slid into the toaster oven, and a few minutes later Gordon had procured and eaten his delicate cuisine in a fraction of the time it took to make. A low maintenance meal, but filling enough to tie him over until he and His Boys got together to have that talk.

It did make him weary, though. The rest of the Science Team never planned anything ahead without Gordon. Given the timing between Benrey’s return and this spontaneously-planned talk, Gordon could only suspect that they were connected.

As if on-cue, there was a rapping at the door, followed by a ring of the doorbell.

“Cut it out!” Benrey phased through the ceiling to shout at Gordon.

Their eyes met, and Gordon quietly swung open the door.

“Oh. Hi Bubby.”

“Hello.” The pyromaniacal man strutted inside, “Why do I smell toast?”

“I made toast.”

“Ah, yes.”

“Hello, Gordon! Hello, Blobby!” Coomer bounced in.

“Hey Dr. Coomer.” Gordon laughed, “Come in, come in. We’re waiting for Tommy and Darnold again?”

“It’s only fair, Gordon. This concerns them just as much as it concerns the rest of us!”

“Of course, of course.” Gordon locked the door behind Coomer.

Immediately, he got another knock.

“That sounds like Tommy, let me-”

The door opened on its own, a man donned in an inexpensive suit on the other side, the outside he stood in covered with a familiar ethereal blackness. Gordon almost thought it was Mister Coolatta, but upon the visitor walking into normal lighting he was happy to see it was just Tommy dressed up like father.

“Tommy! Oh my god, you had me scared for a second.”

“Sorry Mister Freeman.” Tommy blushed, “I thought that this was a conversation that required a serious outfit.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah!” Tommy stepped through the doorway, the door closing on its own.

Gordon opened it back up curiously…nothing but a normal neighborhood on the other side. The sound of rocket boots came from behind the house and settled down when Darnold planted his feet firmly before the front door.

“Dr. Freeman, it’s good to see you again so soon.”

“Yeah, man. Come on in, always happy to have you around.”

“Thank you.” Darnold tilted his head left and right, “I do hope you still feel that way after we get this meeting over with.”

“I don’t see why it would?” Gordon’s inflection came off a bit more unsure than he had intended, “I mean, it’s one conversation.”

The seating arrangement around the TV had a sofa across from the screen, a loveseat to the right, and a recliner to the left. Coomer and Bubby usually took the loveseat, and Gordon usually took the recliner since it was his own house. That left enough room on the couch for Tommy, Darnold, and at least one more person (or a very large dog) to all sit together. So, of course, Benrey sat in the middle.

Gordon looked around at everybody, each of them passing awkward glances at each other, aside from Benrey who was just looking directly at the ceiling.

“Hey, so, what’s up?” Gordon asked, “What’s the talk about?”

“Well uhhhhhhh, it’s a bit complicated.” Bubby spoke first.

“So it’s about Benrey, got it.”

“Yo!”

“What?” The older man looked at him quizzically. “No? Of course it’s not about Benrey, we already know he’s back. Nothing much to be done about that.”

“Yeah Mister Freeman, Benrey is a functioning member of society.”

Gordon gestured vaguely at Benrey. “This guy? A fucking-a FUNCTIONING member of society? Benrey?”

“I don’t see why he wouldn’t be!” Darnold exclaimed, “He was very polite last night, he even got all our orders for dinner.”

“Yeah, well, clearly you weren’t there when he plotted to get my fucking arm cut off.”

“Now Gordon,” interjected Dr. Coomer, “I think you’re forgetting that Dr. Bubby was also involved with the ambush that took your hand.”

“I didn’t tell them to do that!” Bubby growled, “Benrey can attest to that. He didn’t tell them to do that either, they just-!”

“Whatever, it doesn’t matter.” Gordon deliberately interrupted Bubby. “You know he snuck into my doctor’s appointment today, right? Started spewing Sweet Voice into the examination room before my doctor showed up.”

“I DIDN’T FUCKING-!” Benrey got up, huffing out orange balls of light with every breath.

Tommy pulled Benrey back to his seat, the latter man looked at the floor in frustration.

“Mister Freeman, Benrey would never invade someone's privacy that way.” Tommy frowned.

Gordon audibly growled. “This guy literally harassed me when I went to use the bathroom at the movie theater!”

“No, I waited for you to finish first.” Benrey argued, “I’m not gonna look at your junk on purpose.”

Gordon got up and paced around his living room, violently ruffling his hair around to avoid getting physically violent.

“He’s not going to look at your junk on purpose, Gordon.” Bubby reiterated unhelpfully.

“This is the same guy who’s day was apparently ruined by a slip in my suit! I don’t get why you guys are defending this fucker!”

“Because you’re being a fucking dick!”

“I’m not being a dick!”

Coomer spoke up, “You kinda are being a dick, Gordon.”

“Dr. Coomer?! What the hell?!”

“Dr. Freeman, I think you should calm down before we finish this conversation.” Suggested Darnold.

Benrey seemed to feel that now was a good time to butt-in, “Yeah, you uh, you should calm down.”

“No! I don’t WANT to calm down! I want to get mad!”

“You shouldn’t though.”

“Why not-!”

“Because bad things happen when you get mad.”

“What-?”

Gordon’s vision went blurry before he could say more, he hunched over a shelf to steady his suddenly weak knees.

This wasn't the kind of blurry where he skipped long drives or conversations where he already knew the outcome, and this wasn't the kind of blurry that had frequently plagued him immediately after the Resonance Cascade where his mind muddled all reasoning with resurfaced memories of Black Mesa. He felt a tightness, no, an obstruction in his throat.

This was choking.

He was choking.

He could faintly hear Tommy and Dr. Coomer, talking to him, could barely see them getting up to help him.

Yellow and orange filled his vision, and just as quickly vanished. The color seemed to flush itself into his throat while he coughed and hacked, his arms giving out as he fell on his side in agony and distress.

His eyes drew themselves over to Benrey, who's face now wore an expression that looked so foreign on him. He only barely hid it while covering his mouth to try and keep yellow and red orbs of Sweet Voice from spilling out.

Fear.

Benrey was afraid.

Gordon felt nauseous.

What could be so bad, so wrong with what Gordon was experiencing, that Benrey was afraid?

What did Benrey know that he didn’t?

Gordon tried to scream.

The more he tried to scream, the more his head began to thump, louder and louder, and the more it felt like he was coughing up a gobstopper the size of a mule, until finally the pressure became so unbearable that all the fear and anger swelled out of him in a hundred brilliant shades and hues. The colors dulled into confusion, and then wonder and then fear once more while his throat continued to provide discordant screaming noises.

The chorus of people screaming around him did nothing to relieve Gordon's overwhelming terror.

Eventually, however, the screaming died down. His throat had become too raw to continue, and the colorful lights that accompanied it lessened into a perpetual trickle.

Almost everybody in the room was mumbling to themselves or to a neighbor about the situation, equally confused and scared as Gordon, except for Tommy.

The young man looked at Benrey, who’s face had shifted from fear to a sort of dawning combination of embarrassment and guilt. He looked at Gordon, allowing a thin stream of alternating pink and cyan Sweet Voice to fall from his lips in what Gordon must have assumed to be an attempt of mutual understanding.

Finally, Tommy looked back at Gordon. The guilt on his face was much more palpable compared to Benrey’s “Mister Freeman, you must be feeling a lot of emotions right now.”

“Oh, oh god... I think... I think I'm gonna be sick.”

#hlvrai metamorphosis au #hlvrai au #metamorphosis au #fanfic

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