#i am SO grateful for the house with a generator across the way from us | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

Visit Blog

Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.

Fun Fact

The average Tumblr user visits about 67 pages every month.

#i am SO grateful for the house with a generator across the way from us

losthomiesexual · 16 days

Text

Intro/beginners guide to paganism

This is a brief guide based on my personal experiences and research.

What is Paganism?

Now this is a big question with limited evidence but lets go through what we know and how people practice today. A lot of our sources for old religions were written by christians or romans where they could have skewed the original meanings for their own agendas. Christianity played a large role in the loss of these beliefs by ways of genocide, missionaries, renaming holidays and more. My ancestry being European i research more into Celtic, germanic, norse and Anglo-Saxon beliefs but everyone has roots and if traced back far enough we find similar beliefs across the globe. There are also a lot of neopagan religions and beliefs like Wicca and witchcraft with many subcategories.

Paganism for me is about a deeper connection to nature, myself, the spirits of the land and honouring those who’ve come before. Its being grateful for what we have, spending time with our family and friends, being kind and respectful of our surroundings and those within whether thats people, animals or plants. It gives me a bigger perspective, helping to see through hardships and take lessons from them rather than begging the gods for forgiveness or salvation. Even just walking through the bush i get a sense of how small i am in the world, we are all just small cogs in the wheel of time, passing on our lessons and stories through the generations. Norse paganism tends to have more stories than others so i tend to find myself drawn to them for guidance and symbolism. Everything around us has a spirit or a soul all the way from the sky, rain, and thunder to the grass, rocks and dirt beneath our feet, there is spiritual energy everywhere. When it comes to the afterlife i don’t really think about it much but it could be reincarnation, a realm for the dead although nothing like heaven and hell, just a resting place or even something else entirely. Living in the present is more important to me.

So how can you practice paganism?

Seasonal changes are important in paganism as well as the equinoxes and solstices.

Following the natural cycle and staying in tune with it is a simple way to get closer to nature, our ancestors and the spiritual realm. For me i also flip the holidays to suit my climate as i live in Australia so the seasons are inverted.

Many people have altars or sacred spaces in their homes but i also encourage people to go outside and create a space if they can. Whether its just a rock were you place meat or bread offerings or a tree or lake you visit you don’t need much to practice paganism.

If you cant do that thats okay too, light a candle and make an altar out of items you have found and felt a connection to.

Create an inviting, cozy atmosphere and keep it clean and cleansed to avoid unwanted spirits and energies. For holidays you could have a feast and drink beer and wine with friends and family around a fire for instance. Throughout the year theres lots of small ways to feel some magic like following the phases of the moon, cleaning, making things with intention, mindful walks, having a garden or house plants, meditation or working with charms for some examples.

There is no one way to practice and no one can be right, it is all interpretation and feeling.

You can follow a set of gods, pick and choose or none at all. You can perform rituals, spells or divination or not it is not a practice with rules unlike other big religions. Even just the term pagan or animism may be enough for you.

Whether it’s something more modern, a reconstruction or neither, you don’t have to choose a particular path or label just do what feels right to you.

Overall I believe paganism is a way of life, an open way of thinking rooted in nature, gratitude and respect.

#paganism #pagan #norse paganism #norse pagan #pagan witch #pagan wicca #hellenic pagan #norse #celtic #wicca #witchcraft

12 notes · View notes

love4-bunny · 8 months

Text

I attempted to write some terusai in my free time. Can be a one-shot? A fic? Who knows.

Basically a terusai date.

Ever since I switched from being somewhat of an omniscient narrator to a first-person narrator, there's one thing that makes me feel uneasy–not having the ability to read minds when I need it the most. You know, those moments when you wish you could just tap into someone's thoughts and understand what they're thinking? My power would come in handy now. Although I've managed to avoid getting scared every time they approach me, the fact that I can't save myself keeps the world from pairing me with one of the people who cause me the most trouble.

Teruhashi Kokomi.

When it comes to Teruhashi, there's no denying that she's got some serious beauty going on. Now that I can see people as they are, it's hard to look past that flawless exterior, objectively speaking. But let me tell you something, behind that mask of perfection lies a whole different story.

We can't ignore the fact that there's a manipulative and egocentric side to her personality, but let me also mention something positive about Teruhashi. This girl is seriously hardworking and dedicated, you've got to give credit where credit is due. Yeah, There are definitely some not-so-great traits lurking beneath that stunning exterior of hers. But I acknowledge her work ethic and determination to reach the expectations of the other people they put on her, without having to sound like a proud father she has come a long way that I can’t hardly see in her, the old Teruhashi.

Definitely, because I can't read her mind anymore.

I have to say, Kokomi Teruhashi is quite an eye-catching person. She has a certain energy that draws the attention of everyone around her. However, the unwanted attention that comes with her presence can be bothersome. As someone who prefers a more peaceful and uninterrupted life, it can be difficult to handle. To make matters worse, she always seems to end up working with me on school projects, managing to hangout with me and the group, even finding me alone when I try to avoid her.

which only increases the spotlight on us. It's not that I don't like her, but the constant scrutiny can be overwhelming at times.

Getting back to the problem at hand, I can't be in a place where all the men seem to be planning my death, again.

Believe me, I don't want this either. I must insist that I would give them my position without any hesitation?

As I sat across from Teruhashi in the café, my unease mounted. It was evident in my demeanor, and she picked up on it immediately. She kindly suggested that we can go to her house, which was a thoughtful gesture on her part. I was grateful for her offer, as I had grown weary of the envious and hostile stares from my classmates well, people in general. Her kindness was a welcome respite from the tension that had been building up all day.

She reassured me that her brother is working today until late, to avoid any potential complications that may arise from being spotted at Teruhashi's residence with her less-than-reputable brother present, the latter making in his head a whole ass drama on how I am stealing his innocent little sister. Although some may perceive her as innocent, I cannot help but feel a sense of irony in this description, given her exceptional ability to portray a certain facade.

#kokomi teruhashi #saiteru #saiki k #terusai #saiki kusuo #basically saiki struggling trying being a normal teenager #i need more of this content #so i did it myself #🩷💙#no beta read #we die like my will to live #saiki x teruhashi

38 notes · View notes

madwomansapologist · 10 months

Note

more michael fics please!! (from the good place) i love him sm. he’s honestly my favorite character in the show

dreary mondays | michael realman

synopsis: After centuries of constant work, Michael finally had time to rest. To rest with you. And he can't believe this is true. There must be something wrong.

warnings: demon!reader.

ps: thanks for your request! michael is such a great character, i am absolutely grateful for the consistent way he was marvelous written. sorry for making you wait, this year had been a little bit harsh for me, and then i totally forgot to answer you. i hope you like it!

Michael wandered around your house. He climbed the stairs, found out how to open the cellar door, learned that he was too high to walk there and went back to the second floor. By the time Michael went hunting lost paper clips around your house, you started to worry.

"If you don't stop moving I'll go insane," you threw your book across the room. It wasn't the first time you read The Republic, but it was the first time that it wasn't a ironic act. "What's happening?"

"Oh, sorry," Michael slowly dropped the paper clips he was holding and clapped anxiously. "I don't what you're talking about. Everything is perfect. Nothing different had happened. Nothing. Perfect."

You sat on the couch, now really worried. "Okaaaay", you nodded. "Not very subtle, Mike. Spit it out."

"A week," Michael pointed. "It's been a week without anything happening. No panic, no demons, no explosion. Jason haven't blew anything yet. We didn't found out someone was lying to us. We even had time to took a nap."

You sat on the table, next to the jar full of clips. You took his hands into yours, stroking his thin skin. You kissed his knuckles, and spoke with his skin against your lips. "Are you bored? I can lit something on fire."

"You know me so well," Michael sighed. "But don't you feel something is wrong? When was the last time we had time to take a nap? You been reading for almost a hour. A hour! Without anyone interrupting."

"Maybe," you rest his hand on your thigh. Michael carressed you. "Just maybe, it's because this is The Good Place. The real, truly, authentic Good Place. Maybe we finally made it."

Michael placed his head on your thighs. You ran your fingertips through the pale locks. He melted against you. "You think so?" Michael whispered.

"I do," and you really do. After working for centuries without being happy, torturing the disgusting people that would end up as your dearest friends, running away from demons and The Judge Gen, you finally feel free. Freed from the chains that once held you. "I know."

You both spend some minutes this away. Just feeling each others warmth. Michael was the one to break the silence. "Wanna watch The human Centipede?"

"Do I look like someone who enjoys torture?" You crossed your arms.

Michael smirked. "I will prepare the popcorn."

GENERAL TAGLIST: @suakemi @notanalienindisguiseblink

THE GOOD PLACE TAGLIST: @suakemi @notanalienindisguiseblink

if you enjoyed, please reblog! i promise it makes a difference ♡

@ madwomansapologist.tumblr.

22 notes · View notes

withoutyouimsaskia · 2 years

Text

Remember Me, Special Dreams

Part V.

GIF: Originally posted by @asleepinawell

Summary: Self-insert. You're having trouble with recurring night terrors and Morpheus pays you a visit. (Title from the lyrics of Placebo’s Special Needs)

Warnings: language, angst, mentions of night terrors.

Word Count: 1.2k

A/N: Hello there, hope you are all well. It’s been a while again but I have a very good reason, I promise. My partner and I have just bought a house and we’ve been very busy doing all those ‘adult’ things! I’ll try and get the next part out sooner. Have a great day, Saskia.

Sandman Masterlist

---------------

The ascent up the gloomy staircase was devoid of conversation. The single sound that carries through the narrow passage is a footstep ricochet, though these only appear to be generated by you.

It’s funny, you think, out the two of you it would have been more probable that Morpheus’ lace up boots would cause such a noise, rather than your bare feet.

Morpheus lets you lead the way. You are hyper aware of him maintaining a two-step distance behind you despite the fact that he moves soundlessly.

It is like he is a transmission and you are a receiver. Something keeps calling to you, prickling the outer layers of your mind, thrumming in your bones.

It's a heady, intoxicating sensation. One that tricks every neuron into thinking it's alive. You worry that it’s the kind of thing you could become dependent on, especially since it was infinitely better than the guilt ridden state you had been in for so many days now.

You are grateful when you complete your climb and have something to take away such consuming thoughts.

You push the door to your bedroom open and immediately take up residence on the bed. You drag the covers up to your hips and drink in the feeling of freshly washed linen on your skin.

Morpheus stands a polite distance from you.

You turn on the lamp and gesture for him to use the chair.

He sits gracefully, straightening up and staring at you with his transcendent eyes.

“May I ask you some questions?” You ask timidly.

“You may.”

"You're not a human, are you? Not really, even though you look like one."

"You are correct. I am not human."

"Are you a God, like in Norse or Greek mythology?"

"I am part of a family of entities known as the Endless. Seven siblings, all with different functions that serve humanity. I am the third sibling, Dream."

“Dream of the Endless.” You realise out loud, making sense of one of the monikers he told you yesterday.

"Yes."

“And your function is to create dreams and nightmares?”

He nods an affirmation before adding, “I provide a place for dreamers to explore their wants, forge their hopes and to face their fears.”

You decide right then that you love the way he constructs his prose. It sounds like a lullaby and a poem got married in a storm cloud.

Images of him sheltering in your porch after getting caught in a rain shower pop into your mind. Beads of water are dislodged from his dark, tousled locks as you pull him across the threshold and bring your lips-

You force yourself back out of your head again, distinctly hoping that he doesn’t see day dreams as well as night ones.

“Thank you for clearing that up, I really tried to listen last night but I couldn’t remember everything.”

“You are welcome.”

“One final question: Do you do this often? You know, come to people who are struggling to sleep.”

“I do not.”

You don't know whether to feel special or even more afraid than before.

“I’m going to be honest with you, I’m not even sure if there’s anything you can do to help me. I know exactly why I get like this and what causes it. Emotional overload plus moving from one stage of sleep to another equals parasomnia.”

“No, this is something else entirely.”

His intense response makes your mouth turn dry.

"I acknowledge that moving between sleep stages can cause abnormal activity in the nervous system often resulting in symptoms like sleep paralysis or confusion upon waking. In all these cases, the bodies remain here in the waking world and the minds are roaming the Dreaming. You, however, do not present in the same way.”

You shiver and pull your duvet further up to warm your torso.

Morpheus continues speaking.

“I have observed you several times during the state you call parasomnia and each time, I was unable to see you clearly. You were faded, flickering. Straddling the line between your realm and my own.”

“Have you ever seen anything like it before?”

“I have not.”

“Oh,” you say, feeling disquieted by his revelation.

You can tell by his body language that there is more he wants to divulge.

“There have been incidences in the past where dreamers have become so over stimulated by their dreamscapes that they have created seismic disturbances in the Dreaming. These have always been low level, anomalous and no cause for concern. You have been creating regular and impactful disturbances, gaining magnitude with each occurrence.”

You shake your head, feeling foolish. “Here was me thinking that you were just here because I was having bad dreams.”

“I apologise for my subterfuge. You were in pain and that needed to be addressed first.”

Your chagrin fades a little. “I forgive you... I think.”

A moment of silence passes between you as you digest everything he has said.

“Do you know why all this is happening, with the earthquakes and me glitching in and out of your realm?”

“You have a very high sense of lucidity when you dream. I suspected it from the very first moment we spoke, when you instantly rationalised that I was part of a dream. This was confirmed when I used my sand. You knew you were dreaming and you could remember details from our prior conversation very clearly.”

“Is that the purpose you mentioned on the mountain?”

“And to prove to you that I was real. I knew this would not work if you believed me to be a hallucination.”

You nod. Morpheus begins to talk again.

“I believe that your lucidity is allowing your mind to simultaneously occupy two planes thus creating the tremors, fuelling the severity of your reaction to the nightmares and convincing you that they have followed you into the waking world.”

“So what now, what do you need to see to prove your hypothesis?”

“Now I need to see you in a nightmare.”

You close your eyes. You should have seen this coming. All the parasomnia episodes had involved nightmares.

Morpheus sees your hesitation but you jump in before he has a chance to respond.

“Couldn’t it just be a really bad bout of nightmares? I’m not exactly in the best headspace right now and I’ve always had nightmares when I’m feeling like this. Maybe they’ll just go away with time?”

“Your abilities may be exacerbated by your emotional state but it does not guarantee that the stabilisation of one will lead the stabilisation of the other. I cannot risk this escalating any further for the sake of my realm.”

He says your name when a scared frown squeezes your forehead.

“I do not wish to force you to do this. I could use the sand but I would much prefer your consent.”

You take a breath, mouth opening in readiness to reply.

The answer dies in your throat.

“Please, Y/N?”

You stare at his perfect face.

This was such a bad idea.

“I consent.”

---------------------

"Flash that angle grinder smile. Gasp and roll your eyes."

Taglist: @pinkcyclewitch @layla2-49 @shoidy-cat @silverhart93 @boofy1998 @dotieeee

127 notes · View notes

builder051 · 11 months

Text

Interlude

Chasing Ghosts

tw for slight eating disorder talk, mental health talk, discussion of consent, alcohol and drug use… I think that’s it.

I know I said I wasn’t putting anything out while I work on the long-form fic. Unfortunately this story decided to take over my brain and provide hella distraction.

———————

Sunday

2:57 AM

Steve’s eyes fly open and he’s out of the bed in a flash. Knees hit carpet, and he’s disoriented for a second. His brain turns first conscious, then powered on as he rubs his eyes. Steve stays silent for a moment. Dead quiet rings out. He must be the only one awake.

Steve raises his gaze a few inches over the edge of the mattress. The back of James’s head is toward him, and the covers pulled across his stump shoulder give rise and gentle fall to his slow breathing. Steve is definitely the only one up. It never turns out like this; it’s always James who wakes first. The nightmare or bad memory or lack of balance on the way to the bathroom… they’re not Steve’s problems. Well, they are, in theory. He’s just generally not the one with an affliction.

That’s onerous towards James, though, so Steve stashes it back into a mental auto-delete folder. No, he doesn’t feel that way. He’s grateful for James’s trust. Forwardness to share his emotions about the opposing forces of healing and the self-loathing he’s grown over years of being wronged. Still, though. Steve can’t determine a time in recent memory when he’s felt this alone in the house.

The apartment is his—but only technically, he’s made very clear. Just by the lease and it’s tie to the account that holds the money for rent. He’s made very clear that the account isn’t a trust fund, even if he knows it is, even if just by a parsing or words. He keeps his bank passwords very private.

That’s the only place he has walls up, though. Steve’s surrounded in teamwork and academic camaraderie from all sides. Swimming has absorbed his free time, which he’d rarely spent alone anyway. Even this moment of silence and solitude feels strange. Like his ears are plugged and gently throbbing as they do when he keeps his head under for a long time in the deep end.

Steve would feel safer in the water. He’s not out of place there, practicing for competition with a rowdy team or tying up the ends of a group project in the library. None of it is meant to take the place of his home and family life. Something is definitely off about the atmosphere here in the house. He’s primed for danger. He feels like a fucking nightstalker.

He needs to get out of here, he decides. If there’s a monster under the bed, James will have to tackle it alone. Or Steve might accidentally tackle him.

Now that he’s settled into awareness, Steve feels anxious. He wonders if he’s breathing properly. His skin doesn’t feel hot, but he’s boiling. Maybe it’s his blood. Steve takes one more look at James’s slumbering form, then books it silently for the door.

The hallway is dark. Tasha’s bedroom door is closed, and there’s no light coming from underneath or around the doorknob. She’s asleep, Steve thinks. But no, it’s a weekend… She’s probably out, enjoying herself like the average coed in the false pool of safety that seems to surround the campus.

The average coed. That’s not Steve, not anymore. He’s probably never been close. He’s learned more since since he vacated the upstairs suite in his parents’ house than he ever had in his life up to that point. To say he didn’t come with street smarts… Steve packed and drove and moved across the country before he realized the dorm didn’t have a private bathroom. Thinking about it now, actually, makes Steve want to laugh at himself. At eighteen, he’d still been so young and helpless. He’d thought he was near invincible, though. Surviving the worst of pubescent gay lust in a high school locker room— that was a feat. That should’ve prepared him for everything. Steve never thought he’d be, for instance, stuck in the median of four lanes of traffic going both directions because he’d overestimated his walking speed relative to the squawking time signal.

James has always been accommodating of Steve’s relative lack of skills in self care. James always laughs it off and says the feeling’s mutual. It’s not, though. James isn’t that much older, it’s just that he’s lived through and with so many tresspasses of the unjust. The essay in Steve’s college admissions packet claimed to be the story of the worst day of his life. Somehow, he doesn’t look back and see his cut from freshman football in the same way anyone.

There’s light somewhere at the other end of the apartment. In the living room, or maybe the kitchen. It’s dim, though. One of them probably forgot to turn off the glow under the microwave. None of them has figured out how to work its on/off timer, so Steve’s come to work it manually, which is to say he’s constantly turning it off. He says he’s saving power, which he supposes he is. It’s kind of an act; showing the others that he cares about the utility bill, even though he can always pay without even looking at the usage fee. Steve mainly wants to keep the light from bothering James’s sensitivities and headaches, not that he’d ever admit it.

A sudden shadow moves in the kitchen area. Steve hears the door of the fridge slam shut, then the sound of a running faucet. Unless they have a hungry burglar, it must mean that Tasha’s home and rustling up some dinner. Maybe breakfast. Steve’s sure it’s past midnight, though he hasn’t checked the clock to calculate hours remaining until sunrise.

“Hi.” Steve announces his presence and stands next to the table. He doesn’t want to scare Tasha; it’s pure chance as to whether she’s on an upper or a downer or something hallucinogenic. “Um. Good morning?”

The water stops running. “Fucking Christ…” Tasha’s braced in front of the sink with tight, overextended elbows. Her knees display an obvious tremor. When she lifts her head, the low light creates a halo of liquid amber around the messy bun atop her head.

Tasha flashes a glance over her shoulder. She doesn’t make eye contact with Steve, but it’s apparent she knows he’s there. “Fuck,” she curses again. It’s apparent how she feels about Steve standing there watching her, but now they’ve acknowledged each other’s presence, Steve can’t just turn around and go back to bed. Better to make sure Tasha’s ok rather than just frighten her and vanish. A ghost would probably be kinder than that. And Steve doesn’t want her to get the idea that the house has become haunted.

Tasha’s head dips out of sight, and weak coughing echoes from the walls of the sink. She gags. Spits. Then she looses one hand from her stabilizing grip, and her shadow shrinks down even more.

Steve steps forward, wondering if she’s about to faint. It seems a very real possibility, though Steve’s own stomach sinks as he puts two and two together.

“You ok?” Steve doesn’t know what else to say. It’s plain that Tasha is not ok in the slightest, but he wants to announce his progress across the room before just appearing behind her back and grabbing her shoulder. Steve feels the instinct to put hands on her. Protectively, of course. In good faith. He’s learned enough about trauma, though, that well-intended doesn’t always translate to appropriate.

“Yeah.” Tasha retches hard and pulls slimy fingers out of her mouth. “Go away.” Strings of ropy mucous hang off her fingertips, the dim light making them stand out like lines of freshly woven spiderweb.

“I’m sorry you don’t feel good.” It’s a stupid thing to say; Tasha will probably take it as insincere pandering. Steve doesn’t plan on going away, though. Not with her body shaking like that. He’d prefer not to find her passed out on the floor when he and James sit down for morning coffee.

Tasha retches again, and this time it’s productive. Liquid spatters into the garbage disposal, and Tasha turns the water on again. It does a poor job of masking the sound, now that Steve’s only a few feet away and definitely aware of what she’s doing.

“Just, uh, clearing things out? Before you hit the sack?” It’s intrusive, and Steve knows it.

“Eh.” It comes out muffled; Tasha’s hand is down her throat again. She shrugs one shoulder, then hacks and dribbles more sick into the sink. She appears to have no shame, which Steve isn’t sure whether it’s actual boldness or putting on airs.

Steve decides to be bold back, though he prays he doesn’t cross the line and seem overly intrusive. “You want some water? Or something to, like, flush out?” He doesn’t wait for an answer before he prattles on. “I can fill a cup in the bathroom so it doesn’t… disturb you?”

It takes a moment for Tasha to answer; she first unloads another splash of sick and wipes her mouth on the back of her dirty hand. “Are you getting off on this?” She turns her head sideways just enough to face Steve, as if she wants him to know she’s speaking to him directly. “Like, watching me?” Tasha clears her throat. “That’s really depraved. You don’t have hidden cameras in the bathrooms, do you?”

“Oh, of course not,” Steve replies with abject disgust. He feels the need to defend himself. “I just woke up. I’m not spying on you or anything.”

“Then can you go the fuck away?” Tasha shakes her hand, and flecks of vomit hit the sink, the faucet, and the window in front of her.

“Here.” Steve tears a paper towel from the roll and leans in to clean up the residue. His arm slides close to Tasha’s, and he’s sure their pricked hairs intertwine as he reaches past her. Steve breaks out in goosebumps, and he tries not to flinch. “Sorry,” he mutters before swiping the paper towel across the window glass.

“Right.” Tasha gives Steve a look of disdain. He’s in her way, and she’s definitely not thrilled about it. “I’m sorry.”

Tasha doesn’t acknowledge the apology. She looks miserable, her eyes swollen to puffy slits and her wet, red lips pulled into a thin line. Her nose drips, and she inhales hard with a loud snuffle that seems to displace more gunk than it saves. Steve catches her slight wince and heavy swallow.

Knowing his time is up, Steve looks away first. He deserves to have Tasha gawk at him for a while. It’s more than a fair trade. He busies himself with crumpling the soiled paper towel. Steve isn’t sure what to do with it, though, as Tasha’s knees block the access to the trash bin in the cabinet under the sink.

As he looks down at the damp towel in his hand, Steve notices the color of what he’s just wiped up. Pinkish red. His mind jumps to the worst case scenario, even though it’s more likely to be a thousand things more innocuous than blood.

“You’re not spitting blood, are you?” Steve asks anxiously.

“Huh?” Tasha drags her focus away from her hand, which is halfway to her mouth again, and looks at Steve.

He lifts the towel to show her. “I… um… Is your throat ok? Or your stomach?”

“Oh.” Tasha’s mouth twists as she sucks on her tongue and the insides of her cheeks. Having to stop and think as to whether she tastes blood… It can’t be a good sign.

“Have you ever heard of a strawberry daiquiri?” Tasha looks at Steve as if he’s lost it. “Vodka and cranberry?”

Steve’s still suspicious. As far as he knows, Tasha isn’t one to drink her calories. Or eat them, if she can get away with it. Poweraid zero? That comes in red, right? But the thought of Tasha managing her lytes is definitely fictitious. James is usually the one pressing her to hydrate once she leaves her room and drags her hungover zombie body into the main part of the house. Typically sometime after noon.

Tasha shakes her head and sneers at Steve. “You’re the one who crammed a whole pan of lasagna in the fridge.”

So it was a binge? Or maybe she was just hungry. Ate too fast or something like that. It shocks Steve all over again that it’s the middle of the night and that he and Tasha are actually having this conversation. They’re sharing secrets, even if the action is completely forced and only present via circumstance.

“You, um…” Steve isn’t sure how to phrase it without being awkward. A moment’s thought gives him no help, so he plows ahead in brutal honesty powered by guilt. “You don’t have to, like, stop. On my part, I mean.”

“Ok.” Tasha’s face goes ashen. She opens her mouth, then closes it and holds her wrist over her eyes. It barely blocks any part of her face, she’s so bony.

“I just want to be sure you’re ok,” Steve says, though he knows it’s pointless. “But you do you and all that stuff.” He takes a breath and says the rest in a rush. “And you don’t have to eat my cooking. You know?”

“Yeah.” Tasha’s voice comes out as a hoarse whisper. “But maybe I will anyway. Free will and shit?”

“Yeah, exactly.”

Tasha bends back over the sink, her jaw sagging and strings of spit spilling over her lower lip. “So you’re going to go away, right? If I offend you, you don’t have to watch.”

“I don’t.” Steve’ll give her that one. He decides to give himself one more shot at explaining his behavior while they’re at it. It’ll at least eat up the time before Tasha inevitably pukes again. “But it’s like, I don’t know. The buddy system?”

“You’re not asking for an invite are you?” Tasha sounds disgusted. “You wouldn’t like my kind of parties, anyway.” More disgusted than one usually would when they’re that sick. Drunk. High. Exercising their right to test the limits of a youthful metabolism against the brute force of an eating disorder.

“No, no, not that,” Steve says quickly. It’s all he has time for. Tasha gives an immense dry heave, then breaks into another coughing fit.

“But can I, like… Stay with you?” Steve presses.

“Ugh.” Tasha spits and sticks out her tongue. “Why? I’m all messed up. Always a disappointment.”

“You’re not—“

“And if you keep trying to be sympathetic, I’m going to kick you in the balls.”

“Well.” Steve tries not to show any signs of amusement. “That’d be your choice, the, wouldn’t it?”

“Involuntary reflex.” Tasha’s expression changes as she acknowledges her own joke, though it evaporates just as quickly.

“Exactly.” Steve capitalizes the opportunity to continue explaining himself, even though he’s probably extending past his moment. “Same as being here to catch you if you pass out.”

“I’m not going to pass—“ Tasha cuts herself off with a heave, this one seeming to come on unexpectedly.

“I know you’re not,” Steve says, although she’s shaking so much now that he wants to lay a hand over the bumps of her spine. Her delicate body may not stay in one piece if she tumbles backward. Steve imagines her head cracked on the linoleum floor. Then there would be blood for sure. He shakes his head, trying to rid himself of the thought. It’s infinitesimally more disturbing than the idea of Tasha spitting up blood, and Steve is left wondering why.

“You’re not supposed to care about me like that.” Tasha’s knees begin to buckle, and Steve puts much more stock into her actions than her words.

“It’s not like you can really stop me.” Steve hovers at her shoulder. “I’m allowed to keep you from hitting the floor, right?”

“Wow. Consent.” Tasha props herself up on her elbows and rests her forehead on the edge of the sink.

“Well, yeah, but that’s not…” Steve trails off, shaking his head. “It’s my floor.”

“Huh?”

Is she becoming foggy? Does that mean danger is imminent? Steve pushes down his anxiety and says, “If I pay the rent, I’m the owner of the apartment?” Coming out, it sounds utterly ridiculous. Pretentious. And more than a touch belittling.

“Fine, take the kitchen. But my room is my room.”

“You’re not actually on the lease,” Steve points out. “But, yeah, your room is yours. Like your body. Your choices.”

“I’m not going to kill myself.” Tasha catches Steve’s eye. He knows she’s being serious.

“You wouldn’t on purpose.” It’s the best Steve can do.

“Yeah, I’m not that kind of fucked up. Save that for James…”

“Sure.” Steve decides to leave that one where it lies. “I guess I just don’t want you to hork yourself to death. Not in the middle of the night. Not all by yourself.”

“But I can commit my other sins in private, right?” She turns her head completely, looking up at Steve while she rests on one ear.

“Eat or drink or, what, inhale?” Steve gives a single breath of laughter. He’s sure he isn’t phrasing it correctly. At the same time, though, he’s sure that Tasha knows he’s doing his best.

“I’m not on paint fumes.” Tasha shakes her head and does nothing to hide her growing grin. “That’s little kid stuff.”

“Ok, well, needle or under the tongue or swallow with a jello shot…” Steve’s reached the limit of his knowledge on that topic, and he’s completely fine with showing his naiveté. They’re baring their souls, after all. “And what you do with your food. Even if I cooked it, you’re still free to—whatever.”

“Yes, sir, captain.” Tasha’s slurring a little. Whether she’s succumbing to fatigue or drunkenness, Steve isn’t sure. And he isn’t going to ask.

Steve nods. He doesn’t want to muck up the conversation even more.

“I’m going to bed,” Tasha declares. “You’re not going to escort me or hold my elbow or whatever, right?”

“Oh, no.” Steve’s glad he didn’t give in to the urge to touch her, now or earlier. “I know you’re alright. That much, at least.”

“Yeah, very reassuring.” Tasha straightens up and rubs the heel of her hand into her eye socket. “You going to sleep, too? Or there’s milk in the fridge.” Tasha shrugs. “Lasagna.”

“Sleep, I think,” Steve says. It seems somehow wrong to stay in the kitchen once Tasha’s vacated it. “I’ll just hit this.” He crosses the kitchen to the microwave and beeps the dial a few times. The bright reflection bouncing back over the stovetop cuts out. Darkness presses in, but Steve still sees Tasha’s skinny outline.

“If I’m allowed to ask,” Tasha starts, “Why’d you get up in the first place?”

Steve tells no tales of gallantry or subconscious protectiveness. “I knew I forgot to turn that stupid light timer off.” It’s not like he’s sure or anything. It just sounds right.

“I can hit it when I get home,” Tasha offers.

Steve detects no pretense or sarcasm, so he just says, “Yeah. That’d be great.”

“Cool.” Tasha gives a curt nod, as if they’re sealing the deal. And they are, in a way. Steve doesn’t intend to break Tasha’s confidence. And he knows she won’t rat him out, either. Waking up to turn off the light? Steve’d be glad to leave that one to the annals of memory, too.

#sickfic #marvel #mcu #fanfic #emeto #captain america #emetophilia #fanfiction #natasha romanoff #natasha romanov #steve rogers #chasing ghosts #angst #mental health #ed tw #eating disorders #self induced vomiting

18 notes · View notes

the-badger-mole · 2 years

Text

No Sound but Silence: Heatwave

Somehow it was a shock to see Ozai leaning against his car. Katara paused midstep and wondered if she had enough time to sneak around the corner and get to her house through the back door. Unfortunately, Ozai spotted her in the split second it took her to come up with that plan. She sighed heavily and walked on with her head high. Suddenly she was grateful that Zuko had a class that afternoon and couldn't pick her up. The last thing she wanted was that particular father-son reunion on her lawn.

Ozai stood to his full intimidating height as she approached. Katara didn't bother to hide her eye-roll when he folded his dark wool-clad arms across his carefully gym-sculpted chest.

"Katara," he greeted her coldly.

"Ozai," she replied defiantly. Katara crossed her arms, which had the added effect of highlighting her growing baby bump. "Why are you here?"

"Straight to the point, I see." Ozai raised an eyebrow at her.

"I figured the sooner you get the point, the shorter this visit will be," Katara said. "Don't mean to be rude, but I do have chemistry homework to get to, you know." Ozai sneered down at her, but he didn't seem inclined to fight. At least not yet.

"I have a proposal for you," he said.

"Zuko already beat you to that," Katara laughed mirthlessly.

"Yes. So I'd heard." Ozai dropped his arms and straightened his cuffs. "I have a different sort of proposal in mind for you. I want you to leave my son."

"Not a chance," Katara snorted. She started to head inside, but Ozai's hand shot out and caught her arm. Instinctively, Katara tried to yank her arm free.

"I think you should hear me out." Ozai's voice took on a hard edge of menace. Katara froze at the sound of it. Ozai's mouth curled into a smirk. "You've never struck me as a stupid young woman, Katara. I'm sure once you've heard my generous offer, you'll see reason."

"I'm not sure we have the same definition of reason," Katara said. She pulled her arm free of Ozai and glared at him expectantly. "I assume, you aren't about to offer us a minivan."

"In a way, perhaps I am."

"Please, oh please get to the point," Katara groaned. As intimidating as Ozai could be, he had a flair for the dramatic that bordered on ridiculous. He had stopped just short of stroking his beard. Being rushed was a peeve of his, and his displeasure at Katara was evident, even if he seemed to be doing his best not to scowl.

"What I am offering is a hefty settlement on you and your unborn child," Ozai said, at last. "I know that Zuko is planning to use his own inheritance from his mother and my brother, but I am aware of how much- or rather, how little it truly is. It'll be gone in five years, at most. But I am willing to give you enough money that you and your child will want for little. I'll even set up a trust for the child so you won't have to worry about paying for university-" Ozai's gaze drifted to Katara's house with a distasteful sniff, "-or trade school." Katara bristled.

"You can't be serious," she scoffed. "You really think that's all it would take to make me leave Zuko?"

"Name your own price, then," Ozai insisted. "Money is no object. I could make you a wealthy young lady, and all it would take is for you to absolve my son of any obligation to you and your child." Katara started at Ozai for a moment. She shook her head incredulously.

"You really don't get it, do you?'

"Get what?" Ozai demanded.

"The only obligation tying Zuko to me is love," she told him. "Just because we stumbled into things a bit backward doesn't mean that we're not both exactly where we want to be. I love Zuko, and even you don't have enough money to change that. So take your checkbook and shove it up your-"

"I was trying to be kind," Ozai cut her off. "I was offering you a secure future, which is more than most girls in your position get. But make no mistake, I intend to clean up this mess my son made. As hard as he is trying to ruin our family name, it's going to take more than some cheap little slut to accomplish it!" Ozai pointed at Katara's midsection and hissed, "That child will never be recognized as a Kaji!"

Katara gasped, taking a step back. She brought her hand up to her mouth to hide her quivering lip. Ozai smiled smugly and stood up straighter.

"Now that you understand that you stand to gain nothing from tying my son to you, perhaps now you'll listen to my very generous offer."

"No, it's not that," Katara sobbed wiping at her eyes. "It's just that what you said, that my baby won't be recognized as your family...that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me. I'm so touched!" Katara let out a couple more sobs before giving in to the manic swell of laughter bubbling up her throat. She threw her head back, mouth opened wide, and spewed the deep-bellied cackles at the man who had tried to destroy Zuko. After a moment Katara caught her breath and wiped real tears from her eyes and turned her derisive gaze onto Ozai.

"We don't want or need your recognition," Katara told him. "And you don't ever have to worry about us bothering you with our baby. So why don't you beat it before I turn the sprinklers on you. That suit looks like it's dry-clean only." Katara spun on her heels and hurried into the house before Ozai could recover. She had her key in the lock and the door open when he started after her, sputtering half-formed demands and indignations. Katara shut the door nearly in his face and locked it after her. Ozai banged on the door a few times, hurling vile insults at her. Katara stood on the other side, bracing herself against the door with trembling legs, until his voice got further and she heard the sound of his sleek sports car starting, then peeling off down the street.

Part 1... Part 22, Part 23, Part 24

#atla #zutara #no sound but silence #ozai makes an appearance #the drama knob gets turned up a few notches

69 notes · View notes

mythandral · 2 years

Note

7. softly smiling at each other from across the room

@umbralaether sent this one as well - thank you both! have a nice one for once :)

It was the time of year for grand balls. For several weeks in a row, the Lord Commander had had to attend at least one, unable to turn down any invitations lest he cause offence to one of the houses. He found them generally enjoyable, but after a while they were tiring. This one, however, promised to be an exception, for House Fortemps would be in attendance and Emmanellain had made a rarely excellent decision to invite their ward. Aymeric had often wished to invite the man to such things, but it would have been improper to do so, and the two of them already had a hard enough time keeping their relationship under wraps.

He arrived at the grand hall promptly. Although it was customary to be fashionably late, his years as a soldier had made him accustomed to being on time and besides, greeting people as they arrived was easy diplomacy. There were only a handful of people present, mainly of the hosting house, so after helping with last minute setting up he poured himself a drink and sipped it slowly as he waited for more guests. The room slowly filled up, and around a quarter bell later his ears pricked up as he heard the bickering voices of the Fortemps brothers drifting in from the outside.

Shortly thereafter they entered the ballroom, and as he had hoped Myth was there beside them. He greeted both of the brothers, before Emmanellain immediately made a beeline for the drinks with Artoriel following closely behind, careful not to leave him entirely to his own devices. That left just the duskwight, who graced him with a warm smile.

Aymeric took a moment to shamelessly admire his partner’s appearance. He had only really seen the man in adventuring gear before, and he was certainly handsome enough then, but in formalwear he was enough to take Aymeric’s breath away. His hair was down, cascading past his shoulders, and braids either side well framed his face. The tailcoat he wore was a simple cut compared to the Ishgardian standard, but meticulously tailored with fine detail work accenting the cuffs and collar. It cut his figure in a way that brought a blush to Aymeric’s cheeks, which was not helped by the knee-high heeled boots that capped off the ensemble. As he trailed his gaze back up to Myth’s face it was apparent that the other man had been looking him over in much the same way.

“It is good to see you, my friend,” Aymeric said fondly, stepping forward and smoothing down the other man’s collar in lieu of a more passionate greeting. “‘Twas crooked,” he lied, and Myth laughed at the brazenness.

“I am most grateful. ‘Tis good to see you as well.”

They shared a knowing smile as their eyes met. Although they could not risk to be open as lovers, it would not stop them from appreciating each other when they had the chance.

Alas, those chances would be few and far between, both men being in very high demand. The ball was as much of an opportunity to develop alliances between the nobles that attended as it was a social event and, of course, both of them appeared to be eligible bachelors, attracting much attention from would-be suitors. Aymeric was very used to this, and was relieved that Myth looked to be taking it in his stride, exuding his quiet charm on the noblewomen that approached him as though he actually had some level of interest. He had worried that the other man would be out of his depth, not usually being disposed toward smalltalk or idle chatter, but he genuinely seemed to be enjoying himself.

They quickly ended up separated, the natural flow of their conversations and the number of dances offered leaving them on other sides of the room, but they cast frequent looks across the room for each other, occasionally catching the other’s eye and sharing a brief smile. Soon the orchestra reached its first interlude, and Myth disappeared off into the crowd hovering around the bar at the back of the hall.

Aymeric considered joining him, but before he was able he was set upon by a man he recognised from the House of Lords, a viscount of some satellite house of House Durendaire, who took the break in the music as an opportunity to bend the Lord Commander’s ear. All Aymeric knew about the man was that he could talk for Ishgard, though he was pleasant enough - definitely a preferable conversational partner to half of the peerage. Aymeric did his best to listen, but when the music started back up again and the viscount continued to drone on and on, his attention started to wane. He distractedly scanned the room for his partner, soon spotting him among the crowd on the ballroom floor dancing with a beautiful lady he could have sworn he saw Emmanellain trying to chat up earlier in the evening. Regardless, she was not enough to draw Aymeric's eyes away from his lover as he observed how he danced, taking far more than just a glance this time around.

Myth was clearly skilled and Aymeric was endeared to realise he must have taken the time to study Ishgardian dance in preparation, though he held himself rigidly out of unfamiliarity with the steps. Aymeric was certain that he would master it in short order - after all, he had seen how the man carried himself on the battlefield, fluid and with more grace than he thought possible to imbue into combat. Myth caught Aymeric watching him mid-twirl, look of concentration quickly replaced with a bashful smile that did not fade even when he turned away in an attempt to regain his focus. Aymeric let his gaze linger for a moment longer, before turning back to the still-rambling viscount who had mercifully not noticed his attention shift.

Another few minutes of mostly one-sided conversation later, he felt a presence at his side. He turned his head to find an elezen woman who he took a few moments to recognise as Baroness Laurisse, one of his junior knights.

“Ser Mythandral sent me to ‘rescue’ you, my lord,” she whispered covertly, then raising her voice as soon as the viscount paused at the end of a sentence, “Ser Aymeric! May I trouble you for a dance?”

The viscount gave Aymeric an apologetic look, suddenly realising how long he had kept the Lord Commander occupied, which Aymeric responded to with a polite nod as Laurisse took his hand and led him towards the ballroom floor. They wound their way through the numerous dancers, the Baroness guiding him towards where the duskwight was dancing with another woman, who was introduced to him as one of her friends. Myth paused to give them both a quick wave and a grateful smile, before all four of them resumed dancing.

The dance floor was packed, and avoiding the other couples forced them to remain in each other’s space. Myth, Aymeric realised, was treating it a little like a game, coming in as close as he could without the two of them colliding. It was a dance of its own in a way, and Aymeric readily joined in, skillfully manoeuvring him and his partner so that he almost brushed shoulders with the duskwight as they danced around each other. One day they would share a proper dance together, but for now this was good enough.

People were beginning to leave, and Aymeric saw this as their cue to depart. Any nobles he had missed would surely be at the next one, after all, and in any case he was now far too distracted by the man next to him to concentrate on anything they might have to say. They could not be seen leaving together, but he nodded his head towards a couple who were exiting hoping Myth would understand. Myth responded with a nod of his own before he slipped out, Aymeric following not far behind, a little delayed by saying his goodbyes.

When Aymeric arrived at his manor he found Myth leaning against the porch. It was a chill night, and although the duskwight made no complaint Aymeric felt a little bad for having him wait in the cold.

“In the morrow, I shall get you a key cut,” he mused out loud. Myth looked slightly taken aback before his face broke out into an appreciative grin. Aymeric supposed it was a fair step up in their relationship, but it wasn’t one he had to spend any time thinking about. He wished dearly that Ishgard’s champion might one day think of the city - of him- as his home, and a house key was the least he could do to make that a reality.

Once Aymeric unlocked the door and the two men entered, Myth took hold of Aymeric’s hand and moved to kiss him. Aymeric, however, interrupted by placing his free index finger to the other man’s lips, causing Myth to look at him questioningly.

“Before we get carried away, I wonder if you might share a dance with me?” he asked, voice low. Myth immediately nodded his agreement, and Aymeric sensed he was well aware how much it meant to him. Aymeric led him to a downstairs drawing room, where his parents’ old orchestrion stood by the far wall, their collection of orchestrion rolls and some of Aymeric’s own stored neatly on the bookshelf beside it. He settled on a slow waltz. Once he had carefully set the roll in place and the first tinny notes played, he went back to where Myth stood, placing his hand on the other man’s shoulder so as to give him the lead.

The space they were in was a little cramped for dancing, boxed in by furniture and miscellaneous decor. There was no room for grand flourishes, and instead they held each other closely, tight steps and turns as the music played. Myth’s rigid stance had returned - not from inexperience this time but, Aymeric suspected, from exercising his self restraint. Out of the two of them it was not usually Aymeric who was the tease, but he did not fight the urge to lay it on thick, leaning into Myth so that the duskwight could feel Aymeric’s lips a hair’s breadth away from his neck, the hand on his shoulder caressing it gently. Myth admirably stuck to his steps, but Aymeric could feel his pulse had quickened from where his head rested.

Soon the roll reached the end of the track. Aymeric broke the embrace and moved to the orchestrion, before turning his head back around to Myth to pose a question.

“What shall we put on next?” he asked innocently, and grinned triumphantly at the faux look of scorn the other man shot him. Myth grabbed the arm that he was waving towards his stack of orchestrion rolls and started walking him towards the stairs that lead to his chambers.

“Come on. You’ve had your foreplay,” he near growled.

Aymeric laughed softly, and gladly followed.

#ask meme #my writing #wolmeric #aymeric #i have two modes: angst and SAP

28 notes · View notes

purplesurveys · 1 year

Text

1644

survey by robotease

1. Do you like zombie movies? Eh, not really. I’ve watched only a handful like Zombieland and Night of the Living Dead but otherwise the genre isn’t something I look for.

2. What’s the grossest/worst thing you’ve ever seen in a public restroom? I am easily grossed out by seeing crumpled up tissue in the cubicle trash bins. No matter how innocent they look, I always find it gross; and of course it’s always much much worse when people don’t wrap their stuff properly and I end up seeing bits of the poor thing they tried to wrap.

3. What’s the most wasteful thing you regularly do? I love In the Seom, but I will admit that I spend way too much time playing it in an attempt to top the leaderboards every time.

4. What’s the most difficult apology you’ve ever had to give? Anything I’ve ever had to give my parents because I hate disappointing them. Also any work-related apology because I hate fucking up when literal business is on the line.

5. What’s the worst relationship advice you’ve ever seen? I don’t come across them too often, but I remember the time when my ex’s friend caught wind of an argument we were having at the time and instead of offering something sound, straight up offered that we just break up altogether. Has she not heard of the concepts of ‘trying to work it out’ or ‘giving each other space’ or ‘communicating’? LOL

6. Have you ever volunteered in a hospital? If not, would you ever want to? No and probably not. I wouldn’t have the first clue what to do and will most likely end up being very clumsy...and also very queasy. 7. What was your worst Halloween costume? Some generic pirate costume I picked up from the department store. This was like a decade ago and I didn’t feel like celebrating Halloween at the time lol.

8. Who has/had the worst reputation in your graduating class? I’m not naming names.

9. When was the first time you can remember feeling mature? The first few days into my Big Breakup coincided with me getting hired for my first job, so besides being single for the first time in years I was also slapped with the very realistic feeling of adulting as I had to get 783729334 government documents at once. I still vividly remember the moment I was driving to the next government agency and realizing that This Is It, This Is The Real World.

10. Have you ever had a disappointing Christmas, or any disappointing holiday if you don’t celebrate Christmas? I’ve never had a disappointing Christmas in a sense that it felt like a letdown, but there was maybe one or two Christmases in like the early 2010s when my family wasn’t doing so well financially and I could tell my mom tried her hardest to get at least something for each of us, even though each gift wasn’t much. More than anything I think I just felt a little bad for her, but also grateful and proud that she did everything she could to make sure we still got to celebrate Christmas.

11. Do you have any character bandaids in your house right now, or just plain ones? Nah we just have the plain ones.

12. Have you ever had to give a pet away? No.

13. What’s the junkiest junk food you’ve ever eaten? Fried isaw is the epitome of so unhealthy I would dive into it headfirst.

14. Did you play pretend a lot as a child? Were there any recurring plots or themes? No, was never into the concept of roleplay.

15. How do you feel about runny egg yolks? It’s how I have my eggs. I won’t necessarily always turn away cooked yolk, but like I’ll be less enthusiastic about it lol.

16. Has a teacher ever tried to teach you something that was undeniably wrong? I went to Catholic school so you can just guess the things that we were taught there.

17. If for some reason you had to give up one of your hobbies, which would you choose? Taking surveys? HAHAHAHA objectively it’s the easiest to live without.

18. Have you ever hidden a relationship from your family? Yes. My first and only relationship was completely hidden.

19. How much do you know about first aid? Not much. I wouldn’t be the best person to handle an emergency, although I know that shouldn’t be the case. But idk...I panic too easily and too much.

20. Which of your relatives do you know the least about? My dad’s entire extended side.

21. Have you ever meditated? If so, did it do anything for you? No, it’s not for me. I tried yoga for a quick minute and the only thing I got out of it was more impatience. Great on you if it works, though!

22. Have you ever given advice to someone who was much older than you? Yes. I was my mom’s main adviser when she was mulling over whether to accept her most recent job offer or not.

23. Have you ever used a view-master? Yes! I loved those.

24. Do you ever listen to talk radio or podcasts? If you do, what are some of your favorite shows? I have tried sooooooo many times to love podcasts, but I get so bored of them. My attention span also isn’t the best – if I redirect my thoughts to something else for just a split second, I completely lose track of the recording and what they’re talking about. It’s why I envy people who can listen to podcasts while, like, cleaning the house.

25. When was the last time you got ice cream from a truck? We don’t have ice cream trucks here to begin with, so never. We do have ice cream tricycles hahaha and I haven’t bought from one since the Great Pandemic Era.

26. Are any of your favorite bands broken up or on hiatus right now? I believe Against Me! is on hiatus at the moment, yeah.

27. Do you know any sex workers? If so, how do they feel about their job? I don’t.

28. What’s the biggest art project you’ve ever attempted? How did it go? Just, like, really intricate embroidery templates. Never finished any of them.

29. What kind of wild animals do you see most frequently where you live? Frogs.

30. Have you ever cooked anything other than s’mores over a fire? I don’t think so.

31. Are there any items in your house that you use for something other than its intended purpose? We once used one of our plates as dining table decor, but it’s since been phased out. OH I KNOW – my physical copies of Indigo stand in an unconventional spot in my room, almost like an art gallery piece. It’s separate from the rest of my BTS/solo albums which are all lined up neatly at my merch section.

32. What do you hope the afterlife is like? I don’t believe in an afterlife but if it happens to be real, the only acceptable outcome is being reunited with my pets somehow.

33. What’s the worst behavior you’ve ever seen from a child? Any kid who is vocally upset about a gift while the gift-giver is within earshot is automatically a demon for me. Also any kid who does the opposite of what you say in an attempt to be cheeky or cute...really not the way get my fancy. Also any kid who doesn’t like to share and will FLIP THEIR SHIT when you politely ask them to lend their toy. Man...why don’t I like kids? Lol.

34. Have you ever planned an act of revenge? Nah. Stuff like this can always bite me back in the ass, so it’s just not worth the effort.

35. Do you and your parents share any of the same hobbies? My dad and I have a deep appreciation for food, so we like to try new cuisines and restaurants. My mom and I love watching true crime documentaries.

36. Do you think it’s more exciting or scary to get older? It can be both but I think it’s slightly more scary. Especially when you realize no one actually knows what the fuck they’re doing and we’re all just trying to navigate and not fuck up on our way.

37. How was the reception of the last wedding you attended? I haven’t been to a wedding since 2007 but as I grew older I realized just how fancy shmancy the last wedding I went to’s reception was as it was held at the Coconut Palace.

38. Do you have any physical photo albums? Yes, my mom made one for each of us all containing baby photos and they remain downstairs, in the living room.

39. Would you feel comfortable working at a sex shop? No.

40. Who was the worst friend you ever had? Athenna was such a volatile person. I never knew if she liked me or if I was one wrong move away from getting cursed at.

41. What’s the biggest sacrifice you’ve ever made? I made countless sacrifices in my previous relationship.

42. Have you ever campaigned for a political candidate, or otherwise played an active role in an election? Yes.

43. What’s the coolest hand-me-down you’ve ever gotten? What about the best one you’ve ever given? A denim jacket that my dad gave my mom while they were still dating. It holds up fantastically to this day and it’s still my favorite jacket to wear.

44. Do your parents and grandparents get along with each other? Yes. Their relationships as in-laws are also very healthy.

2 notes · View notes

pheita · 2 years

Text

Dimensional Tides Part 36

And now, the end is near, and we face the final curtain (I am sorry if you immediately started to sing this in your head while reading.) Anyway, the last parts of Miada's POV are to come. Have fun everyone. Trigger Warning for: racism, government turned fascist, jailing government opponents (Yeah, this is just going down the drain)

Tagging: @adie-dee @ashen-crest @abalonetea @cometkov @contes-de-rheio @chris-the-dragonslayer @kainablue @viskafrer

As best they could, they all tried to put out of their minds that this would be the last time they would see their families for a long time. They sat together, enjoying the company and the food, laughing at the shenanigans of Sykova's younger siblings. It made Miada grateful in a way that she would leave behind only Vivalka, who was already old enough to defend herself. How the others felt knowing they had to leave their younger siblings behind, she didn't want to know. The evening progressed. The youngest had fallen asleep spread out on the sofas. Suddenly, the emergency sirens went off. At the same moment all the phones rang with messages asking everyone to turn on the TVs and radios. Confused, Vivalka reached for the controls and didn't have to look far. All the channels were showing the same thing: a countdown to an announcement. All eyes went to Orshez. "Has there ever been anything like this before?" asked Gavani in amazement. "When I was a kid...." Orshez lips were pressed together. Whatever it was then brought back bad memories. Fenor's father cleared his throat. "The last I heard of was the state of emergency due to the devastating forest fires that rolled across the land." Orshez nodded even more grimly. The countdown ended and the emergency signal came. A moment later, Zefika appeared on the screen. The entire group took a collective sharp breath. "My fellow citizens, a rift has gone through our society that no one could have expected. Many of you have surely already noticed that there are fewer and fewer dragons in the cities. No one knows how many are left, but it is a sad certainty that the dragons are planning an attack against the foxes in the next few days. To do so, they have even destroyed the magical barrier that protected us from invaders from other dimensions and secretly developed a device to open portals even without magic." "That liar!"

The empty cake box caught fire as Miada became upset. Orshez and Gavani put their hands on her forearms and squeezed. On the screen, Zefika paused. You had to hand it to him, he could play the concerned councilman perfectly. "We have found the plant and will destroy it tomorrow morning. May the darkness be with us that they have not yet received outside help. All dragons still living in the towns and villages are under house arrest as of now. I ask every fox to report any violations to the authorities. Unfathomable Darkness be with us." Zefika disappeared from the screen, and a list of new laws appeared, but no one paid attention to it. Miada looked at Sykova, who only nodded. Bayeen and Fenor said goodbye to their parents. "Don't worry, little one. We were expecting something like this. You do what you have to do, and we'll get ourselves and the little ones to safety." Gavani smiled encouragingly, but there was clearly tension underneath. For a brief moment, Miada closed her eyes and took several deep breaths in and out. She had to keep her emotions under control now, or she would disrupt the portal. After everyone had said their goodbyes, the four of them set off. While their way led to the laboratory together with Gavani, Orshez guided the others on their way out of the city. This was not how she had imagined it. Something in Miada had hoped they would just use the portal surreptitiously because they didn't get permission, and not because three power-hungry families in their cross-generational plan left them no other choice. "I will make Zefika suffer for this." She had only spoken softly, or more like rolled, but Sykova had overheard. "No, that's what I'm going to do. He's my responsibility." "We'll worry about that when the time comes," Gavani reminded them, "Even though I want a piece of that traitor, too."

#writblr #writing #sojan #miada #dimensional tides #part 36

4 notes · View notes

dustofthedailylife · 2 years

Note

I CAME BACK

It's my first time sharing one of my writings with someone who isn't my bsf AND I AM SUPER EXCITED >-<

I tried to make it angst as much as possible but yk, nothing is perfect[exceptyourwritings] Ahem, here we go!

"I'm sorry that I visited you so late, I couldn't get out of bed for weeks. Yesterday my friend came to my house, you know, the one I've mentioned to you a million times but you kept forgetting his name, *short giggle*. Anyway, *cough* he tidied up the house as much as he could. He cursed me a lot when he found all the wine bottles, he scolded me for breaking my promise and told me to go, confess my sin and apologize to you, so I came. But please don't think that I've only come here to apologize for that. I apologize for a lot of things I've made, and a lot of promises I've broken. I know, it's too late for that and I also know you won't forgive me, but I just can't keep all of this inside. My friend also told me to talk to you, like, a conversation. He told me if it goes like this I would go crazy, blah blah. You know him. He always worries for me, just like you. *smile* Okay, I guess it's time for confessing my sins to you. First, I deeply apologize for drinking that much. You have all right to be angry with me, I'm sorry. But, what do you expect me to do? I've tried not to drink, but it's impossible. Besides, we drank together when you were going through a hard time, so it's fair for me to drink, right? I think I can be forgiven for that. Another thing is, agh gods, why is it so hard to confess. *Deep breath* This one is a big one, even if you forgive me for that, I wouldn't forgive myself. You know, the night we were drinking on a rooftop together, just us. I planned to propose to you. But then I thought it might be too early for that, I didn't want to scare you. Well, it seems it's too late for that now. I wish I had proposed to you at that moment. We would be happy now, you would lie beside me like you used to. Oh, and my friend also changed that bedsheet, the one we slept on together. I was too afraid to change it. I thought I would lose you completely if that was gone. When I told this to my friend, he slapped me across my face, you can see the mark. *laugh* But I wish the things he said were as funny as this slap mark. He told me to move on, could you believe it? Me, moving on from you? Hah. I would rather die. Hey, hey don't get angry at me now, it was a joke. I may have broken my other promises, but not this one. Otherwise, I couldn't face you. I should go now. I'm sorry my love, I'll try to visit you more often, I promise. I love you, I hope you can forgive me for my mistakes. Please wait for me."

He turned his back to leave, but then paused for a moment.

"Oh, and I'm sorry, I couldn't protect you. I know, I broke another promise just by saying this, but I couldn't sleep if I hadn't told you that."

He wiped his tears and started walking slowly away from the grave, where his love of his life lies.

I didn't write a name cuz I couldn't figure it out and I wanted the reader to put whoever they want there, but I would be grateful to hear your opinions about who will fit into this story[and ofc on the story generally cuz you're like a master of writing in my eyes]!! And I don't know which type of story this is, my vocabulary on story terms is 0 :] Eheheh I hope you like it!! [I hope i can make others cry *Gojo laugh hehe*]

-⛄️

I'm impressed you share you writing with anyone at all, you're braver than I am. No one irl knows I write and I don't intend on ever telling anyone (shy and awkward Dust, at you service (￣^￣)ゞ)

First of all, I really really like the idea! At the ending was like "wow okay! 😮"

When reading this I thought of Kaeya, but that might also be due to the fact that I associate Kaeya with you, haha! (≧◡≦) But overall he fits the attitude and way of talking the best, imo.

As for my opinions, I think it's solid! As I've said prior, I absolutely adore the idea! In general your creativity is admirable, you're a fountain of ideas, so far I've loved all the requests you've sent my way, too!

You can find some tips under the cut if you're interested! :3

I feel like you could sometimes go more into detail about describing the character's feelings. I think keeping it general is a nice idea but keep in mind that many characters will react differently to situations and have different values and traits so I'd say having someone in mind while writing it can make it feel more authentic.

I'd say turn the asterisks (e.g. *giggle*) into describing words instead. That means finish what the character is saying and insert something like:

"Another thing is, agh gods, why is it so hard to confess..." He shakily exhaled, voice heavy with tears that he was close to shedding. He fumbled around with his gloves and kicked some dirt around on the ground, trying his hardest to blink away the tears that started to blur his vision. "This one is a big one, even if you forgive me for that [...]"

If you want any more tips or have any questions, feel free to reach out again and I'll be more than happy to provide them!

I hope this all didn't come off as rude or anything... I hate giving critiques because I always feel like evil incarnate whenever I criticize anything! (＃＞＜)

#🍁 dust mail #🍁 mail from: ⛄ anon #genshin impact #I hope you don't mind the tips #I don't want to give unsolicited advice #this was great though nonnie!#You have so so many good ideas!

3 notes · View notes

myroyallikes · 3 months

Text

The Duke of Cambridge's speech on Social Media at the BBC in Nov. 2018

youtube

A speech by The Duke of Cambridge on Social Media and Cyberbullying, BBC Broadcasting House, London

Thank you, Sarah. I want to start by thanking Alice Webb and her team at the BBC for their amazing work so far in developing the Own It app.

You are creating a practical, powerful tool to help children use their smartphones and social media with confidence and with safety. I am so proud that this has sprung out of the Cyberbullying Taskforce work. So thank you, Alice, and the BBC for stepping up. It’s now important that our technology partners get right behind the app to make sure all children can benefit. We’re counting on all of you.

I’d also like to thank all of our partners on the taskforce – the tech companies, the ISPs, the charities, and the academic experts. The expanded Stop, Speak, Support, campaign which is now rolling out to schools across the country is just one of the things that we should be celebrating. I am so grateful to you all for the time, expertise, and resources you have contributed. It hasn’t been easy, but I believe our attempt to work collaboratively has been instructive for the rest of the world.

Now, we launched our commitments one year ago. And when we did, I told the taskforce members that I would be honest in assessing what we achieved and what we did not. And that’s what I’m going to do today.

To explain where I think we have got to, I want to begin by taking a step back to the early days of social media.

Over a decade ago, when social media first became a standard part of daily life, there was so much justifiable reason for optimism.

Some of this was about personal excitement.

That friend we lost touch with was suddenly back in our lives.

The grandparent living far away was now able to keep up with the day-to-day life of the family they cared so much about.

The fun we had at parties, the victories we celebrated on the football pitch, the cake we ate at our child’s birthday – all of it was captured, posted and shared with our friends, making us feel closer to each other even when we were apart.

And some of it was about the very nature of our society and culture.

Our politics appeared more direct and more transparent.

The physical distance between nations and people seemed less important

New ways to discover and discuss music, film, and books were appearing all the time.

The men and women who invented and developed social media platforms are justifiably proud of the difference they have made in the world. They have achieved extraordinary things and created connections across borders, generations, and cultural divides that were unimaginable at the turn of the century.

I believe we are stronger when we are connected and more successful when we can understand each other’s experiences.

We all have to acknowledge, though, that much of the early optimism and hope of social media is giving way to very real concern, and even fear about its impact on our lives.

We have seen that the technology that can allow you to develop an online community around a shared hobby or interest can also be used to organise violence.

The platform that can allow you to celebrate diversity can also be used to cocoon yourself in a cultural and political echo chamber.

The new ways we have to access news from across the world are also allowing misinformation and conspiracy to pollute the public sphere.

The tools that we use to congratulate each other on milestones and successes can also be used to normalise speech that is filled with bile and hate.

The websites we use to stay connected can for some create profound feelings of loneliness and inadequacy.

And the apps we use to make new friends, can also allow bullies to follow their targets even after they have left the classroom or the playing field.

It is this issue of cyberbullying that we have come here to discuss today. As we do, however, I believe it is crucial that we see the connections across all of these challenges.

Over the last few years working with the Cyberbullying Taskforce, it has become clear to me that the men and women who lead social media companies are motivated by the right things – the value of connection, friendship, family, and knowledge. But as this list of unintended consequences grows, a culture of defensiveness is undermining the sector’s relationship with the public.

To explain what I mean, it’s important to share my experience.

I convened the Cyberbullying Taskforce not because I had any expertise in technology policy – I do not and I have never pretended to.

I convened the Taskforce because I was a new parent. And I saw that my friends and peers were seriously worried about the risks of the very powerful tools we were putting in our children’s hands. For too many families, phones and social media shattered the sanctity and protection of the home.

As we grappled with this we felt a distinct absence of guidance.

Should we read our children’s messages?

Should we allow them to have phones and tablets in their rooms?

Who do we report bullying to?

We were making up the rules as we went along.

And when I worked as an Air Ambulance pilot or travelled around the country campaigning on mental health, I met families who had suffered the ultimate loss. For too many, social media and messaging was supercharging the age-old problem of bullying, leaving some children to take their own lives when they felt it was unescapable.

I felt that I might be able to make a difference on this issue. I did not have the answers, but I did have the ability to invite the brightest leaders and researchers in social media to sit around the table, to listen to parents and children, and see what we might do together to make the online world safer and happier for our young people.

What I found very quickly though was that the sector did not want to own this issue.

I heard doubts being cast about the scale of the problem.

I was told that companies were already doing plenty and just needed more credit for it.

I saw denials about the age of young children on some of our most popular platforms.

And crucially I heard over and over again that a collective approach – across the industry, with charity partners, ISPs, researchers, and parents – just wouldn’t work. The individual platforms were just too different and user expectations too complicated to try to come up with common tools that could be easily understood by children, parents and teachers.

So a year ago, when it came time to launch a series of commitments that the sector would make on this issue, I announced a plan of action that I freely admitted did not go as far as I hoped.

Now it did include some very positive things – a joint awareness campaign, new guidelines for reporting bullying, and a pilot for a shared emotional support platform. A year on though, even those modest commitments have not been implemented with the enthusiasm I would have hoped for.

And while I am grateful that today we are announcing that the emotional support platform and the Stop, Speak, Support campaign will get fresh energy, I am disappointed that we are ending our taskforce collaboration without a real, collective sense of pride about what we have achieved.

Now I will admit I have learned plenty through this process about how I can best lead similar endeavours in the future. I underestimated the scale of the challenge that this process would represent. I may have been too ambitious and I may have needed to look again at who we brought to the table.

I am worried though that our technology companies still have a great deal to learn about the responsibilities that come with their significant power.

I say this not in anger. Again, I believe that our tech leaders are people of integrity who are bringing many benefits to our lives and societies.

I am very concerned though that on every challenge they face – fake news, extremism, polarisation, hate speech, trolling, mental health, privacy, and bullying – our tech leaders seem to be on the back foot.

Their self-image is so grounded in their positive power for good that they seem unable to engage in constructive discussion about the social problems that they are creating.

The journey from inventors in the student dormitory to the leaders of some of the most valuable companies on earth has been so fast that they may struggle to understand that their incentives have changed. The noise of shareholders, bottom lines, and profits is distracting them from the values that made them so successful in the first place.

They are so proud of what they have built that they cannot hear the growing concern from their users.

And increasingly they seemed resigned to a posture with governments and regulators that will be defined by conflict and discord.

It does not have to be this way.

Social media companies have done more to connect the world than has ever been achieved in human history. Surely you can connect with each other about smart ways to deal with the unintended consequences of these connections.

You have made so many of our institutions engage directly with the people they serve. Surely you can build a new relationship with your own users that is based on service, community, humility and transparency.

You have powered amazing movements of social change. Surely together you can harness innovation to allow us to fight back against the intolerance and cruelty that has been brought to the surface by your platforms.

And you have brought families together in ways that were previously unimaginable. Surely you can partner with parents to make the online world a safe place of discovery, friendship, and education for their children.

You can reject the false choice of profits over values. You can choose to do good and be successful.

You can work in the interest of the children and parents who use your products and still make your shareholders happy.

We not only want you to succeed. We need you to.

Thank you.

#brf #duke of cambridge #Youtube #2018

0 notes

aadagio · 11 months

Text

Thursday was The Day!! I finally did it, I went skydiving!!

I had to wake up early to get ready and eat breakfast, and me and Craig left the house at around 10:30 am. There are no places to jump in Austin proper, since it’s a major city, so we drove about an hour out to this place called Fentress, sort of out near San Marcos. The place was called Skydive Spaceland and it was way out in the sticks, down a long gravel road with a bunch of RVs parked out front. They have a huge sign with a photo of someone jumping out of a plane where you’re supposed to turn, along with a crashed plane poised like it took a nosedive into the earth.

The drive out there was really smooth, we just took the highway and listened to music the whole time. The sky had this haze to it, though, almost like a thin smog that was slightly blurring out things in the distance. Craig wondered at one point if that would affect my ability to jump that day, but no one at SS ever mentioned anything about it once we arrived, so I guess it was considered fine jumping weather.

We parked 10 minutes before noon, and headed inside so I could check in. I had already filled out all the waivers online — it was a multi-page document that basically tells you to accept the fact that you could very much die while doing this, and that if you do die, or just sustain any injury in general, you can’t sue SS. Honestly, death has really never felt like a concern for me when it comes to this. Like I know in the back of my mind that it’s obviously possible and that skydiving is risky, but I’ve just wanted to do it for so long that the risk hasn’t ever concerned me. But filling out all the paperwork beforehand made checking in go a lot faster, which was nice.

I had ordered an add-on package where they have a videographer jump with you and you receive a flash drive with your skydive video and about 100 photos from your jump afterward. So all I had to do at check-in was show ID and then fill out a form specifying how I wanted my jump video to be edited. They have these sort of generic royalty-free music options like techno, country and R&B that you can choose from, and I chose classic rock since it seemed the least grating of all the options.

I was given a nametag with my name and group number on it to stick to my shirt. After that they told me to just chill out in the lobby while they waited for the rest of my group to check in, and they'd call my group number when it was time to go and watch the safety videos.

The lobby was basically just this large room with several booth tables lined along the walls, which were covered in multiple large posters depicting tandem and solo skydivers screaming and laughing for the camera. There were also three large flat screen TVs mounted around the room, running constant footage of skydivers. There were a lot of clips of groups jumping together and holding hands mid-air to form these huge circle formations in the sky, as well as videos of tandem jumpers making their first dives. They also had lots of board games, cards, and skydiving magazines and books scattered across every table. It was all very themed -- everywhere you turned, there was skydiving.

I woke up pretty gently on Thursday morning, which I was really grateful for, because I have a habit of jerking or startling awake most mornings and that usually results in a panicked feeling to begin my day with, which I hate. And especially after all the other stress that was building and building for a week leading up to this day, I was so glad to just be able to wake up calmly and get ready for this thing that I've been looking forward to for such a long time now. I felt really calm all during the drive out to SS, and I was maintaining that calm really well up until we watched the safety videos.

After sitting together in a booth for about 10 minutes, they called my group number and told us to head upstairs to watch the videos. I thought that would be the last time I'd see Craig until after I'd finished my jump, so I was trying to hug him goodbye, but the staff member calling us up said that it was just videos, and he could come and watch them with us if he wanted. So me, Craig, and this one other girl went upstairs and sat in this big room with one large flat screen in the center of the far wall, and about 20 or so folding chairs strewn about. The staff member clicked play on the TV, told us to just head back downstairs when we were done, and left.

The first video was one I'd already watched online, where Bill Booth, the inventor of the tandem skydiving harness, basically tells you once again that you could very much die while doing this, and that you are accepting that risk and signing all your rights away. Since I'd already seen it before, it didn't really psych me out, but the next video was different. This one was shot at Skydiving Spaceland, specifically to show to their students, and it basically talked about how SS is a skydiving school, so every jump you take with them can count toward getting certified, if that's something you want to do. Then it walked us through how we'd put on all our gear later, as well as how we'd board the plane, how we'd exit the plane, and how we'd need to position our bodies and limbs throughout the entire experience. The video finished by saying that they wanted us to take an active part in our jump that day, by pulling the cord to deploy the parachute, as well as take the reigns to steer the chute on our way back down to the ground.

Honestly, that was the part that finally got me to freak out. I read their website top to bottom while I was plotting out where and when I wanted to schedule this jump, and there was absolutely nothing on it that said we'd need to be in charge of any of that! I thought I was just there to enjoy the ride. So when the video started going into how we would be expected to be more active participants, my heart rate started speeding up rapidly, and I started feeling nervous for the first time. But I just tried to tell myself, "Ok, surely the instructors will go over this in more detail once you suit up, it'll be fine, just listen to what your instructor tells you."

After the last video wrapped up, I think I finally "woke up" a bit more and realized that it was literally just me, Craig, and this one other young girl in the room, and so I leaned over to introduce myself to her. She said her name was Hope and we both talked about how we were surprised that we were the only ones tandem jumping that day as we walked back downstairs.

Hope was there with her mom, so she went back to her booth to sit with her, and Craig and I went to another booth to wait for our names to be called so we could suit up. They had a smaller TV mounted near the front door in the lobby with a list of all the tandem jumpers and their instructor and videographer's (if they had one) names, as well as the wait time for when we'd be called. When we got downstairs, it said we had 25 minutes to wait, so I settled in with Craig to flip through skydiving books and try to keep calm.

At this point, every time I looked up and saw footage of people jumping out of planes on the TVs, I could feel my heart race and it just made me so nervous to watch. It was just all starting to feel very very real. So I had to force myself to keep my head down and focus on what was on the table in front of me, but after awhile of flipping through photos of barefoot skydivers doing crazy trickshots for the camera, I realized that looking at anything skydiving-related was just making my nerves worse. Several of the videos playing on the TVs had this macho-type copy pasted over them, with things like, "The hero and the coward both feel the same fear, but it's what they do with it that matters." and advertisements for their video packages that said stuff like, "If you don't record it, did it even happen?'

At one point, Craig pointed up to the TV that was mounted in the corner over my shoulder, and I turned around to see a compilation of fluffy baby Highland cows playing for some random reason. It was the first truly relaxing, sweet thing I'd seen all day, so I watched that for 5 minutes until the screen went back to playing skydiving clips. (After all of this, I can definitely say that I think they should stick to playing 100% fluffy cow clips in the lobby at all times -- those are sooo much more relaxing to watch before you jump than skydiving footage!)

About 15 minutes in to our wait, the name screen updated and bumped our wait time up to 40 minutes, so I had to be even more vigilant about distracting myself. Craig kept flipping through this skydiving photography book, but I focused on my phone and just kept scrolling Insta and Twitter trying to keep my mind off jumping. During the whole wait I also found myself getting up to go pee a lot. I've always been a nervous pee-er, like before any big event - graduation, concerts, flights, presentations, job interviews - I have to pee 3 times beforehand. But I guess my body was in nerve-overload or something because I think I literally got up to use the restroom like 6 times during our wait.

At another point, Craig suggested we go outside for a few minutes, and we went down the hallway past the gear room, the restrooms, and through this set of double doors out into the observation area that was set up for friends and family to watch jumpers land. The observation area was a gravel-filled stretch with a large white pop-up shade tent off to the left, and several wooden picnic tables. It was surrounded by a white fence and several signs warning not to go into the drop zone beyond, which was just a huge sprawl of grassy land where we could see several solo jumpers coming down to the ground. These people obviously had way more experience than me, because they were steering themselves into sharp turns just a couple dozen feet from the ground, and one guy even moonwalked his way to a light, standing landing on the grass. It was very impressive, but also not helping my nervousness at all, so after only a few minutes, I asked if we could go back inside.

Eventually, a tall burly man in jeans and a tan button-down shirt came out of the gear room that was off the side of the lobby and called my name. And this was when things started to go pretty quickly. I got up, hugged Craig and kissed the top of his head, told him I'd see him back on the ground, and then followed this guy into the gear room. He introduced himself as Joe, and said he was my skydiving instructor and that we'd be jumping together today.

We walked over to a rack full of brightly colored jumpsuits and after looking me up and down, he pulled a royal blue one off the hanger and handed it to me to put on. I noticed Hope being handed a hot pink one, and we both went over to these benches that lined the room to sit down, pull our shoes off, and step into our jumpsuits. The SS website had said to just wear comfortable, casual but form-fitting clothing and close-toed shoes to jump, so I showed up in bike shorts and an Iron Maiden T-shirt. The jumpsuit fit pretty tightly over me, but I zipped it up, put my shoes back on, and then walked back over to Joe in the center of the room.

There were 4 jumpers in there, myself included, and their respective instructors, and each instructor was in the process of harnessing and talking to their student. It felt very focused, like there was no group huddle or team lesson, it was just 4 pairs of people, each pair intently focused on one another. When I got up to Joe, he held up the pointer finger of his left hand and said, "Do you know why Taylor Swift never plays with this finger?" And I said, "No, why?" and he replied, "Because it's MY finger!" Which made me laugh.

He then started strapping a digital altimeter to my left hand, which is a device that tells you your altitude while you're in the sky. It sort of fits over your hand, held in place by a wrist strap and a loop that goes over your pointer finger. He also had a tandem harness ready to go for me, laid on the floor, and told me to step into the thigh loops and he'd take care of the rest. So I did, and then he pulled the whole thing up and started strapping me in and adjusting things. I had the thigh straps, a stomach strap, a chest strap, and a pair of straps for my arms to go into. The whole thing came together at the back, and there were 4 clips back there for me to be attached to Joe with later before we jumped together.

As he was strapping me in, he started to tell me about exactly how we'd be jumping together. He said, "Now when we exit the plane, you're going to put your butt on the floor and slide your legs out, and then I'll have you arch your back, put your head back against my right shoulder, and when you're arched enough, we'll jump out." And all of that was pretty much entirely different from the way that the safety video had told us we'd be positioned to get out of the plane. So I immediately asked, "So NOT like how the video said?" And he was like, "Yeah, not like how the video said." And so I pretty quickly realized that Joe had his own method that he wanted to follow to do this thing, and that the video, while informational, was not going to be the one strapped to me in freefall later on. I started to hit me that it would literally just be me and him, so I felt like I should just listen to whatever instructions he gave me and follow exactly those.

So he went over how we'd exit again, and then he asked if the harness was comfortable once he'd finished strapping me in. And I was like, ""Is it supposed to be comfortable?" because I was perfectly willing to be in discomfort if it meant I'd be safe, but he said it should be about as comfortable as a harness can be, which I suppose it was. Then he asked me if I wanted to pull the parachute cord later or not, and I kinda paused and eventually just spit out, "Uh ... not really!" And he was very nice about it. He just said, "It's your first jump, that's totally fine, you just let me do everything, sister, and you enjoy the ride." Which was 100% perfectly fine with me!!

At one point he asked me if there was a special reason I was jumping that day, and I said that I was turning 30 on Sunday, and he said, "I turned 30 once ... in 2008!" And I wasn't in a headspace to do the math at the time, but I did later and realized that Joe was probably 45, which he did not look. Like yes, he had his head shaved bald, but he just looked so much younger than that. I also didn't fully notice this at the time, but Craig pointed it out to me later -- all of the other instructors and skydivers at SS all had this "look" about them. It was like they'd all very much bought into the sport and the lifestyle, and they were all wearing brightly colored camo-print microfiber shirts, cargo pants, chrome wraparound sunglasses, rubber sport bracelets, bandanas on their heads, ect. And Joe literally just looked like he could be going to a BBQ or something after our jump, which, in hindsight is pretty funny.

But after I was completely suited up and ready to go, another man walked into the room - he was shorter than me, had chin-length black hair with a little grey in it, and was wearing a black jumpsuit. He introduced himself as Yoshi, and said he would be my videographer for the day. He led me out of the gear room and outside the same double doors that me and Craig had gone through earlier, and took me left past the perimeter of the observation area, over to a smaller shade tent right outside the plane hangar. I noticed on our walk over that moving with the jumpsuit and the harness on was not easy. It felt a little like what I imagine walking around in a space suit on Earth would feel like - just very heavy, a lot of resistance, and hard to raise my legs very much.

Yoshi had a GoPro for recording video, and he was holding a helmet that had a much larger camera attached to the top that I guessed would be for taking photos in the sky. He had me walk out into the field beside the hangar and started shooting the intro of my skydiving video. He asked me some pretty generic questions -- what I was there for (my birthday), how many feet high we would be going into the sky (14,000), how fast we would be falling through the air (120 mph), at what altitude we'd pull our parachutes (6,000 ft), and if I had anything else I wanted to add (not really, I was so focused on not psyching myself out, and remembering all of Joe's instructions that I couldn't think of much to say!). Then he took a few photos of me on the ground, and said that all there was to do now was wait for the rest of the group to gather and then we'd board the plane.

He told me I could sit under the shade tent, or I could follow him into the hangar and sit in front of this giant drum fan that was positioned on the floor near some chairs. Since it was about 100 degrees and humid as hell outside, I opted to sit with him in front of the fan. He told me that we'd be going up with a full load for our jump, and he estimated we'd have about 30-33 people in the plane altogether. A few of the other jumpers came over to where we were sitting, just milling about and talking to each other, completely paying me and Yoshi no mind. They all had that "look" I mentioned earlier, and seemed very focused on whatever they were doing, not having any interest in talking to tandem jumpers. I noticed that several of them were wearing beaded friendship bracelets with letter beads on them, and I wanted to ask them if they were Swifties or what that was about, but like I said they all seemed so in their own zone that I felt too intimidated to bother any of them. At one point, a guy in a electric yellow, neon green and hot pink camo wingsuit walked up to the group to sit in front of the fan, and I was so impressed by the design of his suit but once again felt way too intimidated to say anything.

Luckily, Yoshi was chatty, and he asked me where I was from and we got to talking. I found out that he was from Japan originally, but moved to California when he was 20 and that's when he started skydiving, and now he lived in Austin and worked at Skydive Spaceland. Through what he said, I was later able to figure out that he was probably 55 or so, which again, seemed a little wild to me, because he really did not seem that old. I've developed a theory after this whole experience that regular skydiving must keep you young or something.

But anyway, we talked to each other for awhile, and he told me that he would hold his hand out for me to take while we were in the sky for a photo, but that I needed to make sure to let go of it so he could keep doing his job up there. I also brought up to him how I'd read online that some people get addicted to the feeling of skydiving and get certified so they can keep doing it all the time. And he said yeah, that's what happened to him, but some people wind up trying it and don't like it at all. I kept this next part to myself, but I didn't think I would be one of the people who didn't like it, but I'd also told myself after booking my jump that I would NOT allow myself to get sold on further jumps even if I wound up completely loving it, because just doing this one was already expensive enough.

After some time had passed, the solo jumpers who had been milling about near the fan got up and headed outside, so me and Yoshi stood up as well and went back out to the shade tent where there was quite a big group gathered at that point. I saw Hope again, and her instructor and videographer, as well as the two other tandem jumpers who had been in the gear room with us and their instructors. Everyone else was going solo, and I realized at this point that Hope and I were the only women in the entire group.

I went over to Hope and asked her if she was there for her birthday, since Yoshi had made it seem like that was why a lot of people came through, and she said yeah, that her birthday was that day. She didn't say which one it was, but she looked maybe 18-21? Couldn't have been older than that. I told her happy birthday and that I was there for my 30th, and then she told me that I did not look 30, which I'll admit was nice to hear.

At that point, Joe found me again and told me that we were about to board the plane and that I'd need to duck my head a lot as we got in, since the clearance was low. The propeller was already going, so it was really loud and windy as I followed him up the stairs into the plane, with Yoshi filming the whole thing. I really don't know anything about planes, but this one was very small, at least to me - definitely the smallest aircraft I've ever been in. I was shocked once we got inside, because all that was in there were two very thin benches covered in a thin black foam padding. Joe immediately turned back to face me, sat down straddling the bench, and then started scooting back toward the back of the plane where several people were already sitting. I followed suit, straddling the bench and backing up until my back was to Joe's front, and then watched as Yoshi and everyone else in the group proceeded to do the same. I was worried about squishing Joe, but as more people got onto the plane, we kept having to scoot back as much as we could, which wasn't much to begin with.

Once everyone was on, a guy at the front of the plane closed the door, which was less of a regular plane door and more of a garage door the slid up and down. And almost immediately after it was closed, the plane started moving. It jerked forward, and I quickly realized that there was absolutely nothing to hold onto in there. There were no grab handles overhead like in a car, no arm rests, you couldn't even use your thighs to brace yourself on the bench under you because we were packed in so tightly. I didn't want to grab onto Yoshi in front of me because I didn't think that was polite, I didn't want to startle him, and also it was really loud in there and hard to hear, so I knew I wouldn't be able to communicate well. We left the ground very quickly, and then began the longest part of the entire journey - the 15 minute ride up to 14,000 feet.

I spent all of that ride using my left hand to brace myself by just holding it against the side of the plane next to me, and then holding my right hand in a tight fist. I alternated at several points, sometimes clenching both fists, sometimes clasping my hands together, sometimes opening and closing one or both of my hands. Through it all I just kept trying my best to take deep breaths and stay calm. I kept thinking to myself, "This is it, this is the thing you've wanted for so long, and now you're finally doing it!"

At a few points, I turned to look around at everyone else in the plane -Hope was to my right, a few people back, and we'd smile at each other every so often, and then everyone else was mostly just preoccupied with adjusting their suits or fiddling with their neck gaiter or the helmet. I think every single one of the solo jumpers had helmets, and a lot of them were covered in stickers and had GoPros attached to the top of them. Yoshi took his camera and held it out in front of him at one point to snap some pictures of me and Joe inside the plane, and I noticed Hope's videographer do the same. I really wasn't looking out the window much ... I don't know, I just didn't feel like that was something I wanted to do a lot of since I guess I figured I'd be seeing the view from a much more unique vantage point soon enough, but I noticed Yoshi putting his GoPro to the window a few times to get some footage.

Pretty early into the flight up, I turned to Joe and started going over all his instructions, trying to confirm that I had everything right, and he just told me, "Don't overthink it." But as we got higher and higher, he leaned closer and started repeating his directions and reiterating what we'd do to exit the plane. Toward the end of the journey, he told me he'd be clipping us together and pulling the harness tighter, and he was not kidding about tighter. He scooted me closer back against him and I could feel when he attached the clips at my shoulders to his harness. One leg at a time, he pulled my thigh straps really tight, and then he put a pair of goggles over my eyes and had me turn my head left and right to adjust them.

It was so very hot inside the plane the entire ride, and I could feel sweat pooling on my face, and my bangs sticking to my forehead as we ascended. But eventually, when we finally reached 14,000 feet, one of the guys at the front of the plane moved position and hoisted up the door, and suddenly this very cold, never-ending gust of wind came rushing into the plane. Shortly after that, guys started jumping out of the plane one by one. I'm honestly not sure how to describe what was going through my head at this point. Like, I was using my eyes and I was aware that people were jumping out of the plane. I could see clouds through the doorway. I could feel the wind on my face. I could feel myself putting my hands into the loops at the front of my shoulder straps, where Joe had told me to put them. Things were happening. But I really could not tell you what I was thinking. It was so weird. I wasn't thinking words, I wasn't thinking about fear or anything, I wasn't scared, exactly. It was more like, "Okay, this is happening. It's going to happen, get ready. You're going to do The Thing." But it wasn't even processing as words, just as a feeling.

And then all of a sudden, Yoshi was getting up and positioning himself at the door of the plane, and Joe was using his legs to crab walk us forward on the bench. With how securely I was harnessed to him at that point, I really couldn't do much, but I just moved my legs as best I could so he could manage to get us to the end of the bench and the onto the plane floor. I'm really not sure how I made it happen, looking back, but I sat myself on the floor and I think Joe was really the one who got us scooted toward the doorway so my legs were hanging out of the lip of the plane. And then I could feel him guide my head back onto his right shoulder, and he kind of rocked us a few times to get some momentum to jump out, and then HE JUMPED.

Now, everything I read online leading up to this experience said that the scariest part of skydiving is that last second before you jump out of the plane. The internet said that if you can overcome that fear and jump out, then you're gonna be golden. But that was not the case for me at all. For me, the absolute scariest part of the whole thing was that first single second after we had left the plane. I could see the hazy blue cloudy sky, and then I could see the ground, so far away from us that it just looked like a green patchwork quilt, dotted with tiny little trees and houses. And in that moment, we had no parachutes above us, no safety net below us, nothing slowing us down or blocking our fall -- we were literally just free falling through the sky.

In that first second, I felt this reaction from my body that I've never felt before. It felt like my whole body was trying to tense up because it realized, "Oh my god, we are NOT!!! supposed to be doing this!!!!" But then I just WAS, and extremely quickly my concerns shifted. I took one slow, involuntary blink, and then things started happening. After that first second, my overwhelming feeling was realizing that my ears fucking hurt. Immediately after we left the plane, I was hit with this severe ear pain unlike anything else I've ever felt. I looked it up after I got home, and apparently the tubes inside of our ears that regulate pressure and help us balance, can't really calibrate fast enough anymore once you throw yourself into 120 mph freefall, and that leads to sharp, intense, pressurized ear pain during your jump. So that was the first major feeling that hit me right away - pain.

And then very quickly after I realized how much my ears hurt, I also realized that I couldn't fucking breathe. Now Joe had told me while we were suiting up that if I felt like I couldn't breathe once we jumped, I just needed to scream, because I was holding my breath. After we jumped out, we went from kinda falling on our sides to being sprawled flat, back to the sun, parallel to the ground. And I could feel myself take about half a breath when we first entered that position, and then I couldn't breathe anymore. So, I tried to scream. And that did not help in the slightest. I still wasn't able to draw breath in through my nose. And all of this was happening so, so quickly, and I was watching Yoshi come into view with his camera helmet, and I was feeling Joe take my hands off of the loops in my harness and stretch them out beside me, and I was looking directly down at the green patchwork quilt beneath us, instead of up and out at the sky like I was supposed to be doing, and I was also realizing that I couldn't fucking breathe. And I just sort of told myself, in the span of another second or two, "If you can't breathe for the rest of this, then that's fine. It's not going to last forever. If you can't breathe, then you can't breathe. It's fine."

And then Yoshi was in front of me in the air. He was motioning with his hands, like kind of paddling them in the air, and I think now that he was trying to signal to me to move my hands around and emote so that he could snap pictures, but I was genuinely so overwhelmed by everything that was happening that I could barely function, so at first I just took my hands and kind of doggie paddled them in front of myself. But then I got it together, realized I needed to smile for the camera, and managed to position my hands into half-way decent thumbs ups, and then into solid rock horns, and forced myself to smile as wide as I could. It was actually more difficult than I thought it would be to smile -- I could literally feel my cheeks flapping in the wind since we were going so fast, which made control over my face really difficult. Then Yoshi held out his hand to me, and once again I was still so incredibly overwhelmed, that Joe literally had to grab my wrist and take my hand and put it into Yoshi's hand and then take it away, and to be honest, I wasn't even completely aware of him doing that until I saw the photos and videos of it afterward.

Really, the entire freefall aspect of it was just so overwhelming that I'm not fully sure of anything else that happened during it. I asked Joe while we were suiting up how much attention I would need to pay to my altimeter and he told me not to worry about it, and I don't remember looking at it once during the entire jump. But there are pictures I saw later of us where he is grabbing my wrist again and holding the altimeter in front of my face, and it looks like I'm looking at it -- but I literally don't remember doing that at all! Honestly, once we were out of that plane, I feel like every intention and thought I had going into the jump about what I wanted to do and how I wanted it to be just FLEW out of my brain completely and I was just doing the best I could with the circumstances!

And then before I knew it, Joe was pulling the parachute cord and we suddenly went from parallel to the ground to sitting upright, and I immediately could breathe properly and the pressure and pain in my ears lessened a little bit. I am SO freaking glad that I had someone else taking the reigns on that because I'm telling you, after everything I just described going through, there was no way in hell I would have been able to pull that cord at the right time.

But then there we were, sitting upright, falling significantly slower, gliding down really. I had put my hands back into my harness loops at that point, I think kind of involuntarily. And then I was able to actually look out and around at the sky and properly enjoy the sights, which was so nice. I remember having the thought in my head of, "Oh, this is what it looks like when you look out the window on a plane ride!" and then quickly following that up with, "BUT YOU'RE NOT IN A PLANE!!! YOU'RE JUST HANGING OUT IN THE SKY!!!!" So that was a trip.

I turned my head to the side to ask Joe if I could put my arms out, and he told me to hang on a minute, and I have to assume he was doing some steering or something with the parachute, and then he gave me permission to stick my arms out and THAT was the actual best part of the whole thing. I don't know if I can adequately describe the joy. I was thousands of feet up in the sky, my arms spread wide, wiggling my fingers in the breeze, looking all around me at the fluffy clouds and the horizon line in the distance, and just giggling and laughing and whooping and smiling so much, trying to open my eyes as wide as I could to take everything in. It was so fun and amazing. And, ironically, it was the one part of the entire journey that was not captured on film! I assume Yoshi was preoccupied with pulling his own chute and landing safely, so there are no photos or videos after a few quick shots of Joe pulling our parachute. The footage doesn't pick up again until we're just about to land. So all that amazingness and pure joy is only recorded in my head, just for me.

At a certain point as we were descending, Joe told me that he was going to loosen my thigh straps and get me situated in a different position -- this was information that he did not brief me on while we were on the ground, but at this point he had carried us safely through everything else, so I was just along for whatever he could have told me. He instructed me to pull my legs up and then wiggle my butt back, so that basically I would come into a more seated position, with the thigh straps holding my mid-thigh area up, instead of hanging out almost completely straight with the straps near my hips as we had been. I also had to put my hands back in my harness loops from this point on. But I did all that, and then Joe steered us into a spin in the air! That was really fun. He did another couple of turns, and I could finally see the drop zone come into clearer view. There was actually a giant orange arrow that they had built in one corner of the field, I guess to help jumpers know where to go.

Landing was actually extremely smooth -- Joe told me to pull my legs up as high as I could and point my feet toward the sky, and that we'd slide in on our butts. When you tandem jump, you want your instructors feet to hit the ground before yours do, and that's exactly what we did. It was so light, literally like sliding on a playground slide, but even slower. And then we were on the ground and there were two SS employees who had run up to us as we were coming down, and they moved to help Joe with the parachute as soon as we finished landing. I felt Joe unclip my harness from his, and then I turned and asked, "Was that a good landing? Did I do it right?" And he was just like, "Yeah, you're fine!" And then I was just kind of sitting there, feeling a bit dazed by it all.

I realized then that my legs felt very funny. And my ears still hurt so much. And I felt this sort of headrush feeling that I had never felt before, almost like the wind was still whooshing past my temples even though it wasn't anymore. Like a phantom wind, maybe. And then all of a sudden Yoshi was there with his camera, extending his hand out to help me stand up. And I was so grateful for it too, because I would not have been able to stand up on my own at that point. I think the first words out of my mouth to him were, "My legs feel weirdddd!" and he laughed. Then he asked me how I liked it and I said it was awesome, and he asked, "Would you do it again?" and I said, "I don't know" because I was worried if I said yes that he would try to sell me on a second jump and that would forever be memorialized on my skydiving video lol.

But then Joe was behind me again, this time standing up, and Yoshi was directing me to stand next to him for a photo, and my legs still felt so funny that I could barely function. But we took some photos together, giving a thumbs up and everything, and then Joe told me to walk back inside to the gear room and take my harness and jumpsuit off and he'd meet me in there. So I started walking toward the main building again, and that's when I finally saw Craig! He'd been watching from the observation area and waiting for me. And the first thing I did as soon as I got past the fence line was reach for him and give him the biggest hug. It felt so, so, so nice. Like seriously, I cannot recommend enough -- just hugging the person you love most in the world super tightly immediately after jumping out of a plane for the first time! Best feeling ever.

Craig had his phone out and he took some selfies of us after that, and that was when I realized just how windswept I looked -- my bangs had been completely blown back and my hair, which had been in a very tight, high ponytail before we jumped, had been blown halfway out of the pony due to the force of the wind on us.

I managed to walk myself back to the gear room on tingly, shaky legs, and I was so relieved to be able to sit down again on a bench to take everything off. That's when I met up with Hope again, and I was further relieved to realize that I wasn't the only one with sore ears. All the things I'd been feeling - tingly legs, sore ears, unable to breathe in freefall - she'd felt them all too! I was just glad to know I wasn't alone. Another one of the tandem jumpers came in while we were talking too and complained about his legs feeling funny as well, and that's when Joe came back in the room and I asked him if his legs also felt funny or if this was nothing to him and he said, "Yeah, I don't feel anything."

I looked it up online later, but apparently to become certified to be a tandem skydiving instructor, you have to complete at least 500 jumps. And it sounded like both he and Yoshi had been doing this for at least a couple of decades at this point, so I have to imagine the number of jumps he's done is in the thousands. And I guess after jumping out of a plane several thousand times, your body acclimates to all the overwhelming feelings! And at the end of the day, what I wanted out of this experience was to be strapped to someone who this was going to be a walk in the park for, so that worked out.

After I'd taken all my gear off and got my shoes back on and gone to the bathroom once again, I came back to the lobby area where I'd been instructed to wait. Joe eventually came out with a logbook for me, which SS gives to everyone so they can log their jumps if they decide they want to do more or go for a certification or something. It tracks things like the wind speed, equipment used, the aircraft flown, the maneuvers executed, the smoothness of your landing and the date of the jump. Joe filled the whole thing out for me and said I did a good job and wrote A+, which I feel pretty awesome about. Privately, I do not know if I really earned the A+, since he was literally doing all the work, but I'll take it.

After we'd filled that out, he told me I could book my second jump for $99 today only, and then said that a staff member would come out with my jump video and photos on a flash drive in about 10-15 minutes and that I could watch my video on one of the TVs in the lobby. And then I honestly don't know where he went after that, maybe to get ready for the next student or something, but Craig came and sat next to me and I just sort of tried to come down and recover from everything.

Seriously, I just felt so odd afterward. Like, when we landed and I was trying to stand up and everything, my body felt this strange sensation like, "Why are we standing? Why are we walking?? Shouldn't we just be flying everywhere now??" I guess it's sort of like how after you go roller skating, even after you take your skates off, your legs still feel this weird urge to skate instead of walking normally. It's so funny.

After waiting around for a little bit longer, a girl from the front desk came over and handed me my flash drive and said my video was about to play. So me and Craig, plus Hope and her mom, and a couple of other people who were sitting in the waiting area, all gathered around the TV to watch it. It's very weird to watch back something you just experienced right after experiencing it, but it was cool too because I was able to see more of what Joe and Yoshi were doing while I was freaking the fuck out in freefall. It was funny to see Craig's reactions to the footage as well, as I was describing what I was feeling during certain moments to him.

After that was done, it was almost 3 pm, and we headed back out to the car. My legs were still feeling so so weird and my ears were still hurting and my head still felt that strange whooshing sensation, but it wasn't as bad as it had been immediately after landing. Craig drove us to a BBQ place nearby and we had a very late lunch that I completely devoured. Turns out, skydiving makes you very very hungry. I also noticed myself developing a headache around this point too, which sucked, so I took 2 Advil with our food and that helped a lot. Getting food in my stomach and just being able to sit and rest for awhile really helped bring my body back down to Earth again, which was nice. I hadn't felt up to driving at all when we left SS, but after we ate I was able to get behind the wheel and drive us back to Austin. I will say though, driving feels sooo much more dangerous than skydiving, and statistically, it is, but I guess going skydiving really put that into perspective for me.

It's interesting, because I think a lot of people believe that skydiving is about facing your fears or overcoming something, and for me it wasn't really about that. I did feel scared when we jumped, but then I felt so many other things too! The whole experience wasn't just any one singular thing -- it was terrifying, it was exhilarating, it was painful, it was fun! It was a completely unique experience. I've never felt anything else like it. But at the same time, it didn't lead to any revelations or anything for me. I didn't find God up there. I didn't suddenly feel like all my other problems in life were so tiny. I didn't even feel proud of myself for doing it, to be honest. I just felt like, I'd had this goal and this wish for so long, and I finally did it! And that was awesome, but I was still just me.

I think one of the funniest things about all of this is just seeing other people’s reactions to it. Like they seem to think I’m so badass or fearless or something and I don’t see myself as any of those things at all. It’s just something I’ve always wanted to do, and I did it! I had tons of fears before I jumped, and I still have all of them after I came back to Earth. I just feel like I always have about myself — I’m just a person.

Several people have asked me if I'd jump again, which I was completely not expecting. In a way it sort of feels like how I've watched friends have one baby, and then immediately be bombarded with questions like, "When are you going to have another??" and, "Are you going to give them a sibling soon??" Except in my case I took a completely different path -- I fucking jumped out of a plane, and people still want to know if I'll jump out of a plane a second time!! I guess it goes to show that no matter what you do with your life, it won't ever be enough for some.

But honestly, I've been thinking about it more over the past several days, and I think I could be convinced to go again, but very conditionally. I'm proud of myself for going it alone after my friend who had initially wanted to join me was told not to by her doctor. I'm glad I did it by myself, for myself. And so I think the only way I'd want to do it again would be if a friend wanted to go with me. That just seems like it would be a really fun experience.

But otherwise, I think I'm fine if I never jump again. I feel like I got everything I could have hoped for out of the experience, and I feel very fulfilled about the whole thing. I can put a firm checkmark next to "skydiving" on my bucket list. It finally happened! Maybe I'll check in again in 5 years or something, maybe I'll get the itch again. I wouldn't ignore it if I did. But right now I'm happy to say that I feel perfectly satisfied and content with my jump.

On Thursday, after me and Craig had eaten, we drove back into Austin and met up with our friends Bryan and Amy for dinner and drinks at this bar we found. We haven't seen either of them in awhile, so it was nice to catch up, and it was fun to regale them with the tale of my epic skydive. We hung out there for several hours, just catching up. Bryan told me about a guy we went to high school with who had a crush on me. I never knew!

Eventually we wrapped it up and headed back home. I drove, since Craig had been drinking. It wasn't even that late, maybe 9:30 pm, but I already felt so tired on the drive home. I took a shower when we got back and then got into bed, but falling asleep proved to be more difficult than I thought it would be. I imagined that after such a crazy thrill-ride adventure like that, I'd just immediately fall into sleep, but instead, every time I closed my eyes, I would just see the sky as we jumped out of the airplane, and feel this rush in my stomach like I was about to free fall again. It wasn't scary, per se, just interesting, and it made it hard to relax and fall asleep.

You know how sometimes when you're about to fall asleep, you suddenly feel like you're falling, and your muscles tense and your body jerks? I experienced that on Thursday night, too, except this time was so much more intense than usual, because I literally did feel like I was about to fall out of a plane thousands of feet in the air. It was a very harsh, full-body jerk. Eventually, I finally did get to sleep, but as the morning came, I noticed myself tossing and turning more and more because my back and neck had begun to ache in the night. I had started to feel an ache in my inner thighs from the harness on Thursday night while we were at the bar, but when I woke up on Friday, it was so much more intense, and so was the newfound ache in my shoulders and underarms. I didn't have any pain around my middle (I guess I have too much padding lol), and the back and neck pain I felt was significantly less than what I've felt after going to concerts in the past, but it was still deep and present. My ears also still had a small soreness to them. All of the aches and pains lasted for about the next 48 hours, but at this point I'm fine and back to normal.

I think that's pretty much everything from the experience. I'm so glad I finally pulled the trigger and just went and did it -- I think my teenage self would be so happy for me. As my 30th birthday has come and gone, I've been reflecting a lot on how I never imagined myself making it this far in life. Living this long. I am literally now double the oldest age I ever thought I'd make it to at one point. That's so crazy to me. And it's been hard, it's been so fucking hard, but it's experiences like this that make me so glad I've stuck around. I'm just really pleased that I went skydiving to ring in my 30s. I don't really know what other wild or crazy things I'm still hoping to check off in life, but I guess now I get to figure that out!

#This whole post has taken me a couple of days to finish writing #and I'm honestly not sure who the hell will even read this but I'm glad I recorded this even just for myself #personal #Adventures In Real Life #dumb dumb mushy stuff

0 notes

angrilymanaging · 1 year

Text

Today I had a conversation with my spouse. My “Husband” is Transgender, Female to Male. His pronouns are he/him/his and I have respect for him as a person, in general respect for trans people as a whole community right, I use the pronouns that they ask me too, and respect how they Identify, I don’t have a problem with that. But that is your reality, not mine. If you were born a woman, you are a woman, if you were born a man you are a man. That is my position, it is that cut and dry. Identify how you want, but your reality will not cloud my reality, I just don’t see it that way, and it is ok, for us to not have conversations about it, we can agree to disagree. Moment of transparency, I think transgender people, are the most dysfunctional people I have ever met. I have my own fair share of mental shit going on, I try not to judge too harshly.

Everyone knows who I am. We all know what’s going on. I mean if it is easier for you to just act like you don’t and call me crazy, that is between you and the big guy, It matters not to me, how you are judged in his eyes. So I felt really vulnerable, I began expressing my feelings, I’m feeling discouraged, and I believe the word that I used was dejected. I have been presented with an opportunity, and I am grateful but the process has been slow, and I am trying to stay patient, and encouraged, because I know that everything happens in god’s time, not my own. This led to how I also was ready to be on my feet, to level the playing field with our relationship a bit, because being dependent on him, is not making me feel good about myself, I feel insecure, for in the back of my mind, I understand that he wishes things were different, and now more than ever, I am starting to feel the same way. I cannot enjoy being a wife, I am becoming uncomfortable with conditions as they have been and I want them to be different.

Some back story on me, because at this point everyone in my life, and people I come across, essentially have me f’cked up. I was not born out of wedlock. I grew up in the house with both my biological parents, My mother, my father, I was raised by both. While the relationship with my mother is strained, you know we try, but the relationship with my dad, well til the day he died he was my hero. So naturally, as a woman who grew up with a father who, protected and provided for me. I have those same views and values when it comes to having a husband. I touched on the only men I would have considered marrying, in other posts on this platform, I don’t know where people get it from that every man I’ve ever been with broke my heart, like that’s preposterous, my promiscuity had very little if anything to do with love or marriage, and to be honest I’m happy that, I had to learn the hard way. I’ve never really “dated” before. I’m looking very forward to that… I don’t have any illusions about my marriage it is going to work or it isn’t at this point. I would be more surprised if I’m still married to this person 10 years from now, than I would be if we were really divorced next year. I digress. My circumstances, are different, I started having children really young, 2 by the time I was 25, so I didn’t really have a set standard, I just knew what it was supposed to look like, I had a fairly decent example.

Before this, I had been married already, to a woman, I had no Idea that my life was going to take that type of turn, and obviously there was no rule book. Not even an example, I was winging it because that had been the first and only serious same-sex relationship I had ever had lol. It ended in divorce, I have no regrets, it was a a part of my life, like so many things and now it is over. But because of that experience, I’d definitely discovered that I had new standards, to the way I wanted to live, and how I had viewed relationships. You learn from your mistakes and you grow from them, otherwise what is the point.

So I’am having this conversation, and I just put it out there like regardless of the circumstances, and adversity I have faced in my life, I was raised by a traditional man, to be a traditional wife. I am learning to accept, that I am not married to a traditional man. Chile there is nothing more modern than a “trans man” growing up, I heard about people you know having sex changes and that, but It was like jokes in sketch comedy.. like Jim Carey in in living color, sha nay nay, from Martin, I had no Idea that, that type of thing was real, like I knew about gay and straight people right, but I had a friend who was the first trans person I ever encountered but we all know how that worked out, for the most part I just was like uuum no. Again I get it, the respect and all for people and how they believe but… again, your reality, not mine. The position he holds is, I am expected as a wife with a “husband” to carry 50% of the financial weight in our marriage. Be 100% financially responsible for myself. I am expected to keep our house clean, Cook our meals, be waiting for you when you get off late, wait for you to have dinner, and not go to bed until you get home. Support you emotionally. Obviously, I have to do my own laundry you never fail to ask me to do yours too.

You work all these jobs, are gone from morning to night, and when you are home, you would like basically to sleep all day, avoiding any responsibility toward housework. Complaints up the wazoo, for anything you do have to do. Mind you, you are gone all this time, and you don’t make enough money to carry your house hold. You are only allowed vacations twice per year, from the one job. You work from literally sun up to sun down, and every weekend. NO OPPORTUNITY FOR DATE NIGHT!!! You only want to be responsible for 50% of our marital finances, 100% of your own. I am expected to even submit to your sexual desires.

I feel alone in my marriage most times. I don’t feel supported, I could vent and talk about my feelings til I’m blue in the face. You are emotionally unavailable. I’m expected to ignore myself, but always give you attention. Be greatful. I can ask for a body rub, and I have to suffer through this barely there massage, in which you fall to sleep in the middle, what if I told you that that one sensual act where you could probably try harder, is enough to get me going, put me in the mood, and because you just fall to sleep I’m just like go to sleep. I’m trying to figure out how you feel so entitled to the entire package for a wife, but as a “husband” you can just barely, I mean makin it by the skin of your teeth, give me 50%. The whole world, gets the best of you, while I get the raggedy rest of you.

When I was young, my mom worked overnights. She would get out of work and barely see us off to school. She would sleep all day. We would get out of school in the evening, and She would sleep through that too. Not getting up until it was time to go to work at 10… and we’d be well in bed by then, and that’s how life went. On her off days, in summers when we were out of school we still never saw our mother, and when we did, it was for chastisement. When people say that I am miserable, I guess that they would be right. The more wise you become, The more unhappy. That is why ignorance is bliss. As the oldest, child after my brother was sent back to New York, guess who’s responsibility it became to make sure that children were fed, or clothed to get off to school? Guess who’s responsibility it was to make sure that the house was clean. I had to do all of this and take care of myself. Guess what every relationship with a woman looks like for me? You guessed it. Talk about healing your inner child. It all seems very Narcissistic to me. I’m learning too that I would be attracted to these types of people Especially women because I was groomed that way.

I don’t feel like I’m settling. I don’t care about helping, like 50/50 is Ideal for anyone in this economy, but Husband. No. The dynamic of our relationship, changes drastically. I can stay like just like he is staying. But the dynamic, of our relationship has to change, and I’m ok with that, I don’t think that he will be, because, I get to now, start thinking more about myself. Taking care of me more, because I never have. So I guess we will see where that goes, and hope for the best.

0 notes

queerlich · 1 year

Text

Why I created the Suit of Chalices Collective

First a little story…

Since starting my practice in the summer of 2020 (right when COVID was really rising here) I knew I was in for an intense trial-by-fire introduction to being a counsellor. I knew I had things to offer my queer community AND I knew I would feel that weight of being one of the few queer counsellors who doesn’t have a waitlist. Who was able to start seeing the people who came across me and my work immediately. I took on a lot, I learned some valuable lessons. I am forever grateful to the folks I have worked with and continue to work with.

However, I knew something wasn’t quite right.

You see, I went into counselling school with the intention of gaining some skills and real experience in holding space for others so that I could be a better tarot reader. I had been reading for others for 2 years (and reading for myself for longer) coming into counselling school and had already recognized where I was lacking. I wanted to share my gifts with the world, but I lacked the words and practice in doing that. Schooling definitely provided that, and it also greatly diminished my trust in the healing ability of spiritual services like tarot. I was told over and over how healing looks a certain way with certain methods (and sometimes even for certain people).

Certainty.

Something that tarot is not. Spirituality is not so certain, so laid out and defined. Tarot, astrology, human design, and channelling guides; none of these give a step-by-step plan for how to live your life. They are tools, structures, and relationships that one can use to EXPLORE life. To experiment with it and see what lands. That is where I thrive. That is where I get excited and enlivened. The in-between spaces, the nebulous places, and yes, the liminal existence. Being a “counsellor” was crushing me and I was doing the work of self-indoctrination that capitalism and colonization wanted. Telling myself I couldn’t fully trust tarot as a method on its own. That I couldn’t trust my spirituality to be the vessel from which I created offerings of healing and connection. When I realized this was where I was at, I was convinced that I needed change.

And I needed it now.

Around this time there was a lunar eclipse (May 27th) in Sagittarius (my 11th house) and the supportive energy was to let go. It gave fuel to my release of Maverick the Counsellor. So that April 2021, I deregistered and allowed myself to dream of more. I moved into Maverick the Queer Peer & Tarot Reader. This brought some needed changes and did revitalize my dedication to my work for yet another year.

However, come May 2022, I realized I still needed more change. I went on a week-long sabbatical to return home to myself and dream up new offerings, new structures, and new ways to do my practice that would enliven me even more.

This has also been the year where I opened myself up to learning more about Human Design. Prior to this, I thought HD was just a weird way to complicate one’s birth chart, it merges knowledge from many different cultures in a way I wasn’t comfortable with (and still am in some ways). Between the astrology birth chart, the Chinese I-Ching, Indian (and South Asian) Chakras, and Jewish Kabbalah there are many aspects of Human Design that we need to engage with from a decolonial perspective. While I don’t foresee it becoming a big part of my life or practice, I do appreciate HD for how it has allowed me to understand myself in a new way. As a 1/3 Manifesting-Generator, I have been able to experiment with softening myself to my so-called mistakes. I have always resonated with experimentation and play in my work and life, so being a 1/3 just made sense.

It confirmed my need for variety and change, and a recognition of the cycles of my life. Maybe every May to April transition I’ll need to shift something. Maybe that is just part of how I work. As long as I communicate these shifts with the people I work with, with my community, there will be a way for me to integrate these cycles and changes in my life.

All coming back to the why…

During this year’s re-creation process I reconnected with my desire for more group-based work. I truly believe that healing happens in the community, and in our relationships with others. I believe that we are strengthened by our connections to a community that cares. I also understand how not everyone can just go out into the world and find the community they desire.

Hell, I’m definitely not one of those people. I’m autistic. The first connection with someone out in the world often doesn’t go well because of how uncertain I am about how to engage with them. If I don’t have a structure to fall back on I just default to not sharing myself with the others (and I’m totally cool with that).

So, having curated and themed spaces, where I know something about the people coming into the group, creates a lot of safety for me. This is why I created The Suit of Chalices the way I did. Being a community that centers queer spiritual connection, you can join knowing that everyone there is:

A) queer,

B) spiritual (or curious),

and C) grounded in discovering how both of these can fuel our justice-doing practices.

How often do we encounter a community that integrates all of those three? Queerness is political, spirituality is political, and community care is definitely political. To me, it doesn’t make sense to separate these aspects of our Selves that are tied together so intricately.

Pluto is in Capricorn until January 2024. Being the planet of transformation, rebirth, death, and change; we are seeing the effects right now in our political climates. Now is the time for abolition, now is the time to restructure our communities and how we care for each other. This community is a co-creative space. What I am offering right now is a possibility for how this community will serve us and a way for us all to connect. I’m really excited about hearing from you about what more you desire as our community grows. So if you have been seeking the same connections I have and are interesting in joining a growing, exploratory community, then I say you’ve found the right place.

Note: The Suit of Chalices is no longer active, all tarot readings from 2022 are what was contained within before I shut it down.

#suit of chalices #tarot readings #community archive #once were paid posts #now theyre just for anyone

0 notes

livingwithlosingyou · 2 years

Text

Living with Losing You - 10/2/2022

KY has Assassin bugs. WHY!?

Okay, so I jumped ahead a bit. I will explain that later on. I slept TERRIBLY last night. I really am not sure why I was so anxious, but for whatever reason I could not stop my anxiety. I tried so many things. I guess it was just one of those nights. I slept for maybe 4 hours or so.

I ended up laying / resting in bed until about 8:30am, and saw that your dad had texted me about church at 11:30am and then grilling at the house. I figured it would be nice to hang out with him, so I agreed to go. It was funny because I showed up in a nicer outfit, and your dad literally wore sweats to church (lol). I mean, he did say casual, but I did not think it was that casual. The outfit I wore I would wear generally though, so it wasn’t a huge deal. It was really nice to go to church though. We went to Southland, where you and your family grew up going. It was also the same church (just a different location) that you went to the weekend before you died.

I liked the message though, there were a few things that stuck out to me. It was really about how society has shifted, and how corrupt things have become for the younger generations. As young people, we need to focus on our speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity. I agreed with a lot of the sentiments in this message. He said “we don't age like fine wine, we age like milk”. I felt that.

After the service, we went back to the house and started cooking. It is not as difficult to be in there as it was the first time I came back. I think since I have had some time to process it all, it helps. I do not know how your dad stays in the house though, I could never sleep there. It would be too painful (just personally). We had really great conversation, and he made an amazing meal. I am grateful for the time that I am getting with your entire family, and having the opportunity to connect with your parents as we all continue to process and grieve. I feel incredibly grateful for all of them. If any of Jake’s family (and honestly even friends out here) are reading this, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for taking me in and making me feel like family.

Afterward I quickly went back to Beth’s house to drop off a steak, then headed to the local Goodwill. It’s the one that’s across the cemetery where you are. I still need to visit you, I just do not know when. In a weird way, I feel like I have been avoiding it so far. Though I also have been busy, so. It’s mix to be honest. Anyway, I went to that Goodwill (James and I actually stopped here last time we were in town too) and I ended up buying a bunch of stuff. I even grabbed a few things for your mom that her and I had discussed. I was glad that I could find them there. You’ll be not surprised but proud to know I found the coolest Christmas sweater there. Last time we were there I bought a pretty cute holiday turtle neck. I got a couple of shirts and a jacket for myself. I may need to post pictures tomorrow since I am already in bed. I was very excited about this haul. I plan to check out the other Goodwill that’s a little further away in the near future. I checked a bag, so I have some space to bring some things home!

I headed back to the house since Beth had a few events she had to attend tonight, and needed the car. I had no plans, thought I tried to make some. I think that it’s healthy to be here with my thoughts to a degree. I did end up singing a bunch in the stairwell, and was practicing belting. It’s something I have always struggled with a a vocalist. I feel like I ended up using my throat too much. Anyway, I was practicing that, then just started drumming and jamming on the staircase itself. I posted a little video on my socials cause why not?

I ate some leftovers and then basically snacked for the rest of the night. I played with Biggie too of course. He has a habit of going in and out onto the back patio. It’s on the first floor, but Beth has a screen around it so he can’t escape. One of the times that I went to head out there, I saw this nasty looking bug. I actually almost sat on it because it was on the chair cushion. I took a poor quality picture, but investigating and researching it further, it looks like an Assassin bug. University of KY talks about this bug a bit, and apparently their bites hurt. So, naturally I was back inside and got Biggie back in as well. He was not having it. He kept meowing / chirping at the door, and glaring at me. At one point he started trying to attack my ankles. He is such a stinker. When your mom got home I asked her about it, and she said she had never heard of them. We went outside to look for it together, but we couldn’t find it. Who knows where it is, but all I know is I need to avoid the patio.

In between all of this, I facetimed my friend Erika, and also did laundry. I was trying to be productive at least. It’s interesting because I have definitely cried less since I have been out here, but feel like I am not “feeling you” as much. I feel like you can kind of sense when a spirit or an angel is watching over you.

It was kind of nice that today was an overall chill day since I didn't sleep much, and I am still very much adjusting. I have to take Beth to an appointment in the morning, so I need to go to bed soon. Tomorrow is my day off, and then I work Tuesday - Thursday. I have a busy week ahead of me with plans, work, and then music! Still need to finalize some logistics of when exactly I am coming onsite to record. I am excited in a bitter sweet way.

There were a few things I wanted to add onto this blog: I mentioned in yesterday’s blog that I needed to track my activity from the day. Well, I went to log my activity into the tracker and I realized that it didn’t allow me to. At least I was already over 150 miles. Also, when I was at Kroger running an errand yesterday, I saw that they had A BUNCH of lego kits for sale. I was so sad that you missed this. I loved building legos with you. I loved life with you, in general.

I love you, James.

Rest in Peace, James Burton Nichols.