#i actually dont think ive ever drawn bones before??

[gayfour]

Practicing drawing these weird little space guys (with my new favourite brush (it's quite fun)

#spock blue hair and pronouns real forever #star trek the original series #star trek #star trek spock #leonard bones mccoy #jim kirk #ive decided they dont need faces except eyebrows #and what the hell colour is jims hair #this is sort of a rough draft practice thing and im not really sure what im gonna do with them #i just wanted to get them all drawn in the same style #i actually dont think ive ever drawn bones before?? #i dpnt know how i havent #also just realised i havent had a haircut since i was 10?? #explains why my hair is so ridiculously long

[shhh-no-ones-home]

heavy cross to bear* matt Murdock x reader

+++++++++ Request @juniebugg: reader and Matt are in a very serious relationship (could be married) but then when reader actually sees Elektra, whom she already knew about but has never seen because she was "dead," she gets really insecure and tells matt that he deserves better or something and he reassures her. Angst and smut"

hopefully its not too ooc this is my first MM smut so i hope you like! and thanks again for the request!!

* - you asked for smut and that really is all this is lol, little bit of story. 

Song: wasted time by skid row

tag list: @cynic-spirit @juniebugg

+++++++++

i sat at the table sipping coffee and thinking. it was almost nine at night and i knew i should be getting ready for bed but my body wasn't quite ready to move yet. when matt disappeared into our bedroom i figured he'd be changing into daredevil for the millionth time but when he emerged in his pajamas i was a little surprised. and then it hit me. maybe he knew. hell, he always knew.

but maybe it was just that something was off, that i needed him to say it again, to stay with me and make sure i knew. but then there was her. she had showed up out of nowhere and took me off guard more than anything else up until now. one more doubt at the forefront of my mind. that i didnt believe him when he said he loved me despite being married for a year, despite having dated for three before hand, and despite everything he has done to keep me safe. because he loved her first and it felt like the biggest lie ive ever been told. even after a couple days of sitting on it and hoping it would go away. still it was there. in the back of my mind:

"matt i dont know if i can do this anymore."

his head tilted to the side and he looked confused.

"do what?"

he asked almost worried, moving slowly to the table and sitting.

"this, us. i just- you deserve so much more, so much better than- well, than me."

he was quick to scoot his chair closer to my own, his hand coming to rest on mine.

"hey, dont even say that. what would make you think i would want anyone but you?"

now he absolutely sounded worried.

"i saw her matt."

"saw who?"

i shook my head.

"that woman, your ex. you said she was gone."

"elektra?"

he sounded a little broken.

"shes something else ill give her that much. i see why you like her."

he swallowed hard.

"elektra is dead."

i shook my head.

"then why was she here? looking for you. saying your name with such... god i dont even know how to explain it. matthew."

i repeated it exactly as she had said it and it felt wrong. like i was acting. saying someone elses emotions and intentions. they were no longer mine. or at least it seemed like it. There was a long silence and I just stared at him.

"She was here?"

There was hope in his voice and I figured that was it. It made me angrier than it probably should've and my only response was to stand and walk away. I got half way across the living room before he caught my arm.

"Y/n, that doesn't matter. I-"

He swallowed hard and I tried to study his face.

"You mean more to me than anything. Yes I love, loved, her but I married you. I chose you. I want nothing more than to be with you. For better or for worse remember?"

He bargained and I sighed heavily.

"How can I be sure you mean that? What if she comes back? again."

He shook his head, taking both my hands in his and stepping closer to me.

"Let me prove it to you. If she really is back then it doesn't matter. I'm with you, I love you, and I'll always chose you."

I closed my eyes, feeling him get closer and closer until his forehead was against my own.

"We belong together."

He whispered before kissing me gently.

"I only want you."

He kept just as quiet, kissing next to my mouth once, then twice, making his way across my cheek and to my jaw.

"Matt."

I breathed out and he paused. I licked my lips lightly before opening my eyes and looking at him. He really did seem like he meant it. He was trying so hard to keep it together.

"I can't lose you."

He sounded so broken.

"Do it."

He drew his brows and I brought my hand up to touch his face gently. We were still so close I could feel his breath fanning my neck.

"Show me you mean it."

I said softly and his Expression changed.

"I love you so much."

He said before kissing me harshly, releasing my hands and pressing his fingertips into my hips. I hummed against him as he walked us backwards. We stumbled along as he pulled my shirt up, tossing it to the floor.

"Matt."

I moaned, pulling his shirt up next. It was gone in a second and he was back, kissing me and moving quickly to get my pants down. His hands roamed my body just as much as mine roamed his. I traced my fingers slowly up his torso, grazing over his scars before wrapping my arms around his neck. I gasped when he picked me up. There was a soft laugh that escaped him and I was relieved to see him smile even if it was just a second. He knew it would take some convincing and he was right. I needed to know he meant it. That Elektra wasn't gonna be a problem.

"I need you."

He whispered again, laying me gently on the bed and situating himself between my legs.

"I need you to know how much I mean it."

He kissed my jaw slowly, then down my neck and across my collar bone.

"Prove it."

I challenged, my breath hitching in my throat as he ripped my bra open from the front, his lips grazing my nipple before taking it into his mouth. He hummed against me, his finger tips down my torso and into my panties.

"Matt."

I moaned, dropping my head back as he ran his finger up me and against my clit. i closed my eyes, pushing my head back into the bed as he stroked me, kissing his way back up to my exposed neck.

"i love you."

he repeated against the heat of my skin. when he resituated i could feel how hard he was already.

"i need you."

i breathed out, pressing my hips up into him as he continued to finger me.

"matt."

i whined, him removing his hand long enough to pull my panties down. i looked up to him with lust blown eyes, watching him intently as he got rid of his boxers.

"youre still okay with this?"

he asked and i nodded quickly, pulling his face to mine and kissing him deeply.

"please."

i moaned, inhaling deeply before he kissed me again, pushing his hips into mine. my breath caught in my throat as he pushed all the way into me, catching my bottom lip between his teeth as my mouth hung open.

"i wanna hear you."

he said softly.

"feel you."

he moaned against my shoulder, dropping his head to the crook of my neck as he placed his large palm over my heart. it was already banging at my rib cage begging to be let out but i could have swore it did when he started moving. he pulled out of me slowly before slamming back into me and i moaned so loudly i was surprised at myself. and then he did it again and again, getting a good rhythm. it was long, and hard. nothing like our nights prior, even on his worst of days when he's frustrated and in need of release. no this was different. purposeful.

"matt."

i held onto him for dear life, pressing my fingertips into his shoulder blades as he continued to pound into me in long drawn out strokes.

"tell me. tell me what you want."

he grunted out, trying to sound as steady as possible.

"i want you. god i only want you!"

i cried out as he thrusted upward harshly. then he did it again and i saw stars, my mouth falling open as i moaned.

"thats my girl."

he praised, trailing his hand down my torso and pressing his finger in circles against my clit.

"youre almost there."

he coaxed, building me up. i could feel the tightness building, pressing my hips up to meet him as he kept his pace.

"im so close."

i panted, pressing my finger tips harder into his bicep as i gripped onto him.

"do it, do it for me, let go."

he said softly and i snapped. my orgasm racked through my body and my vision went blurry. i was breathing hard as he rode out my high, still chasing his own.

"im almost there."

he said, squeezing his eyes shut. he moved to pull out but i wrapped my legs tightly around his waist.

"y/n?"

he asked surprised and i leaned up to kiss him.

"just do it."

i said, pressing a hard kiss to his neck. he kept going, knuckles going white against the bedsheets as he came in me with a loud groan.

"oh my god."

he panted, slowing his thrusts.

"i love you oh my god."

he said, dropping to his forearms, trying not to put his full weight on top of me. my legs were still wrapped tightly around his torso as we both calmed down.

"i love you too matty."

i said softly, feeling him nuzzle his nose against my neck. it made me giggle a little bit and i could feel him smiling against my skin before kissing it gently.

"you have no idea how relieved i am to hear that. youre the only one for me. always will be."

i sighed softly in content, kissing his forehead and dropping my legs.

"im sorry i doubted you. i just. i need a reminder every once in a while i guess."

he kissed my chest before pulling out of me and dropping to the bed beside me.

"i will give you as many reminders as you need, as long as we both shall live."

he said, taking my hand in his and kissing the back of it.

"thank you matt. thank you for everything. especially knocking some sense into me."

he raised a brow, a half smirk on his face and i immediately wondered what was going through that mind of his.

"after tonight sense might not be the only thing i knocked into you."

i couldnt help but laugh, him matching it as i rolled onto his chest.

"i know you want nothing more than to tell the father we're finally starting that catholic family with lots and lots of beautiful babies but i still have my iud."

he let out a short laugh sigh before i kissed him quickly.

"but that doesnt mean i couldnt be persuaded into getting it taken out."

he raised an intrigued brow.

"oh?"

i laughed lightly.

"ill think about it. right now i just wanna live in this moment with you."

i said the last bit through a yawn, resting my head against his chest and hearing his heartbeat.

"i love you."

he whispered, earning a hum from me as i dozed off.

#wattpad #x reader #337 #matt murdock #smut #daredevil #marvel #imagines #one shots #requests

[daydream-believin]

you’ll never have to be alone

summary: you just can’t wait to see your best friend again, but your master has other ideas

a/n: this is such a mess lmao might turn it into an actual fic when i have time. also that last sentence is not a tswift ref i just like that word and if anything it’s a beauty and the beast (2017) ref. but the title is in fact a tswift ref yes

~~~~~~~~~~~~

• you’re just a humble magician’s assistant, doing your best to stay safe and hidden in Arthur’s realm

• your master has just sent you on a trip to into Camelot to get her a few things

• you’re so excited. you’ve never been out of the forest, let alone the big city before and is that a castle???

• while fetching your master’s things, you run into the most beautiful boy

• and i mean run into, like ow your head

• he sees you wince in pain and panics

• he is so sorry pretty person, he did not mean to body check you, here let him fix it with a healing spell he learned last week

• you’re so caught off guard by the magic

• you throw yourself in front of him, and hiss “do you want to get us both executed?!”

• he laughs and assures you it’s okay, he’s the king’s personal sorcerer’s apprentice so the guards won’t pay him any mind

• you’re amazed at your new friend and his freedom but also his cute laugh

• he offers to help you with the rest of your errands to make it up to you, he has the day off after all and he was bored, so why not help out a cute new friend

• soon it’s time for you to start on the journey back to your master, you bid goodbye to Hisirdoux

• he catches you at your cart, stopping you from taking off before you can slip away. he takes your hand

• “please, i just want to make sure i see you again, can we meet overmorrow?”

• you smile “i’m sure i can find some excuse to come back”

• one meeting led to another, and now you two are meeting in the marketplace every free afternoon you both have

• or at least you two make them free, either by getting chores down early, procrastinating, or just straight up lying

• one day your master tells you to pack her bag and grab your cloak, you two were going to camelot to “make an audience with someone who i’d rather i’d never have to talk to again if not for the troubled times” whatever that meant

• you find yourself in the study of Merlin Ambrosious himself. it’s so cozy here, with the paper covered desk and stained glass windows

• you see your crush buddy Hisirdoux and quietly make your way over to him

• you two have a fun litttle conversation while your master waits for Merlin to arrive. it’s so nice to get to see each other again this week.

• your master raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t say anything to you or ask any questions. that’s strange. normally your master wants to know all about your friends. they think you don’t get out enough

• Merlin enters, making a face, and starts to talk business with your master. it was soooo boring and it was all you and Doux could do not to snore. at least all’s going good righ—

• annnnddd now suddenly you and Douxie are on the sidelines of all out shouting match

• 0 to 60 real fast

• so 🙏 turns out your master is Merlin’s ex wife. damn

• whatever they were supposed to be working together on has been thrown out the window, along with any pretense of civility

• so many insults being hurled. hell, you and Douxie’s innocent ears had never heard half of these words they spat at each other

• you and your best friend looked at each other. neither of you would dare try and calm the two master wizards down, lest you get caught in the crosshai— !!!

• oh! apparently words aren’t the only things being thrown oh dear

• your master snatched your arm and pulled you towards the door with force

• “AND DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT LETTING YOUR LITTLE URCHIN NEAR MY SWEET Y/N AGAIN! I KNOW WHAT YOURE TRYING TO DO! I WONT HAVE IT!”

• come again?

• “ONLY IF YOU KEEP YOUR APPRENTICE AWAY FROM MY URCHIN! THEYLL TAINT THE NOBILITY IVE MADE HIM”

• you weren’t even sure what to make of that one

• before you knew it you were back on the cart, camelot drifting farther and farther into the distance

• you could see Hisirdoux, watching you leave from the balcony of the tower, getting smaller and smaller

• well, if your master thinks she can keep you away from him she’d have to try a little harder. it’s not like she could stop you from going to the market

• she turns to you as if reading your thoughts “i don’t want you going to the marketplace alone anymore, i’ll have to come with you now.”

• okay so maybe she could

• a few weeks pass, and you are dying to see Douxie just one last time

• it was like you were mad. all you can think about is trying to find ways that you might be able to get back to him

• you were cleaning out the donkey’s stall when a bird landed on the post near your head

• or at least you had thought it was a bird. looking up, you discovered that it was in fact a small dragon

• a dragon with a scroll in it’s mouth. he motioned for you to take it

• you gingerly took the slightly damp scroll and unfurled it

• well well well, it looks like mr. casperan has been thinking about you too

• the scroll urged you to sneak out as soon as your master fell asleep and meet him where else, but your regular rendezvous spot at the market place

• the dragon then burnt the message while it was still in your hands. smart? you guessed? you supposed this was to make sure your master didn’t find the note but was burning it really necessary

• needless to say it was a no brainer, and you were out of the house by your master’s first snore

• you had your cloak drawn over your head. it wasn’t hard to find Hisirdoux in the night market. he may have also had his hood up, but he was right where you always met, standing awkwardly in a very Douxie fashion

• you came up behind him and tapped his shoulder, and he about jumped out of his skin

• and then he was immediately enveloping you into a bone-crushing hug

• you two have some fun walking around the night market, never letting go of each other’s hands. Douxie’s face is highlighted so perfectly in the orange light of the torches and cooking fires. you can feel the heat on your own face

• you two stayed around for as long as you could, talking about everything and nothing, but even night markets sleep eventually.

• as you lament to Douxie about having to go back home when all you want to do was have a little more time with him, he stares at you intensely. he could feel his palm sweating while clasped in yours. he took a deep breath

• “we should run away”

• ... “run away?” “just you and me. then we can stay together. even for only a little while. if you want”

• “lets do it”

• and so you were off to who knows where on the back of a horse Hisirdoux most likely stole. or at least skipped getting permission to use it. there was no destination in mind, just to get far away fast. none of that mattered though, as you cling to Douxie’s back in your getaway. he wasn’t very good at it, but at least you were getting somewhere

• you got lost pretty fast

• but no matter, anywhere with Douxie was better than being lonely up in your room

• the sun was just starting to rise when you two finally stopped

• the sunrise coming up over the cliff is the most gorgeous thing you’ve ever seen. you look over at Douxie and reconsider. the sunrise is the second most gorgeous

• you two are very sleepy, having stayed up all night, and you crash lying in the meadow grass, locked in each others arms

• but your sweet slumber does not last long

• you are awoken to the sound of your name being said very angrily

• you and Doux scramble to sit up. you two are face to face with two furious master wizards

• “YOU STOLE A HORSE?!”

• needless to say your master rarely lets you out of her watchful eyes nowadays. it was worth it.

• your master was summoned to help with the cause at the battle of Kilahead. apparently they were short on forces for some reason. that reason being that they were all dead. you dred having to join the fight but follow your master nonetheless

• maybe the universe just wanted to give you one last treat before you left the plain of existence, but there was your beloved Douxie, all geared up for the fight

• your master ordered you to stay with the main fight to do your best in healing the knights while she went off to who knows where. which was fine with you. now you could be by Douxie’s side

• fast forward and suddenly your master is gone. who knows what happened to her. definitely not you. Hisirdoux’s master is out cold and will be for centuries.

• as devestated as you both are at being without your beloved mentors for deya knows how long, there is a brightside

• now you can stay with each other for as long as you two liked

• and you did

• for almost a millenia

• and will for evermore

#douxie x reader #hisirdoux casperan x reader #hisirdoux casperan imagine #douxie casperan x reader #douxie imagine #toa douxie #douxie #hisirdoux casperan #douxie casperan #tales of arcadia #hisirdoux x reader #hisirdoux imagine #my writing

[meruz]

some asks - sorry some of these are kind of old. I only get around to answering stuff once in a blue moon.

I do not! Nothing against it but I just don’t personally enjoy the process so I don’t use it in my personal work. Too much transforming and filtering.. too little actual drawing. I have however used it for professional work and sometimes I will sketch things individually and collage them together to make it easier for me to work depending on the scale. But yeah, no photobashing normally.

Thank you! (post in reference) I didn’t use any perspective grids for that drawing but occasionally for bigger pieces that require a stronger adherence to perspective I’ll use the Perspective Tools extension by Sergey Kritsky which is ABSOULTELY worth the price here on gumroad if you’re a photoshop-user - makes grids very easy to set up. You can actually see some of the grids in my process work if you’re looking for it lol

I used to be such a square abt it like “bluh perspective is just a bunch of lines i dont need a tool to do it for me like a DUMB BABY. I can just draw the grids myself and itll be good enough!!! :\” dont be like that LOL, I started using perspective tools for work last year and ported it over to my personal work so damn fast its like one of the best artistic decisions ive made. If you can make less work for yourself, PLEASE make less work for yourself.

I don’t remember what post this is but I’m like 90% its these brushes because these are like all the brushes I use LOL

hi yes thank you i LOVE grookey.

Thank you! They’re the best family!! KAROL IS MY FAVE........

you’re SO welcome. I recently watched Last Evolution Kizuna and [spoiler] WILLIS WAS IN ONE (1) SHOT...  [/spoiler] so whoever was in my comments section telling me toei would never bring willis back, I think you owe me like $20

Yep! My Instagram, Twitter... I don’t have a patreon because I’m too lazy to set up tiers but I have a ko-fi if you want to drop a lil tip in my metaphorical buskers hat

You’re probably done by the game by now given how old this ask is but I’m flattered my art got you to play!! And I’m glad you love Akechi though I’m curious to know if your feelings on him have changed since sending this LOL. His latter act character stuff is one of those things that can really turn an opinion one way or another.

Thank you! Though I want to preface this by saying I don’t take requests but you can always contact me for commissions at [email protected].

I will probably draw naruto again because like every 4 years of my life I go through a naruto phase. I have drawn dangan ronpa before many many years ago and I gotta say the only time I will ever draw it again will be if I’m commissioned to lol...Nothing against it personally, it’s just not really my thing. Kiritetsu+Colossus.... I would but honestly I don’t even know what I’d draw, I feel like I covered it with that one drawing. But if you’ve got an idea... you can always commission me!!! And I’d be happy to.

Uhhhh they’re good! I like them! Yusuke’s character arc is maybe like my favorite or second favorite in the game and I love Ryuji first and foremost for max mittlemans voice acting and secondly because he is just so...so much better than P4 Yosuke who I truly could not stand.

I’m not big on Mishima but I think he’s an incredibly well written depiction of like. that dude in class who you didn’t really mean to talk to but ended up talking to and now its a little weird. I really like that event where you run into shinya while hanging out with mishima and shinyas like “whos this your friend” and ren is like “no, king, hes no one” LOL this is mostly because I just really like shinya. 

ships.... I like yusuke/ryuji a lot, just aesthetically and personality wise its an interesting dynamic. I like ryuji/ann bc theyre good friends. I like ann/yusuke if I close my eyes to all the early plot stuff and just pretend theyre like.....fujiko and goemon from lupin III LMAO. ryuji/makoto? kinda woke?? I mean I feel lesbian makoto deep in my bones but also their showtime opened my eyes a lil. I think they could bond over action movies. mishima/protag is kind of fun in like a sad pathetic way.. I’m a little interested in mishima/JOKER actually bc i like identity porn plotlines lol.

YEP GO AHEAD I’ve been getting a lot of messages like this lately so I want to lay it out here and I’ll probably copy paste it into a FAQ later lol.

8Tracks and Spotify Playlists: Go ahead! please credit me either meruz.tumblr.com twitter@automeru or ig@automeruz -  AND SEND ME THE PLAYLIST this is not a requirement really but I would love to listen to it.

Twitter/Tumblr Layouts/Headers: Good by me! but again PLEASE credit me somewhere VISIBLE on the layout. If it’s a twitter header/icon credit my twitter @automeru and if its tumblr credit my tumblr @meruz​

Phone BGs, Desktop Wallpapers: definitely ok!! Any personal and non-commercial use of this nature, I’m cool with. If you ask me, I may even send you a hi-res version of the file but you have to promise to not scam me and sell it lol...

Instagram Reposts: A lot of artists would say no but I’m gonna say go ahead as long as you credit and tag me in the post, again my ig is @automeruz - if you don’t, and I find it, I will bug you about it in the comments and possibly even report you. Nothing personal, its just standard procedure.

Twitter/Tumblr Re-posts: Don’t?? Just RT or RB it from me?? whats wrong with you? I will report this.

Other site re-posts: I’ll probably say yes but again please credit and for this one PLEASE ask me first. It’s nothing personal really, I just want to know where my work shows up.

Video edits/fancams/comic dubs: Yes! Absolutely go ahead! And please send me a link I especially love to see this stuff!!

I also reserve all rights have you take it down if I do not agree with the usage or context, especially association with politics on the webpage/app/etc. 

Thank you!!!!!!!! ;-; These are all so nice.. tucks them into a little pocket near my heart. I love drawing and I will keep trying my best to make art...! Hope you guys can look forward to it...!

#ask #asks #anonymous #looneystoo #gentlemangeek #greatasoyeah #oilux #noeggets

[crimeronan]

ik youre not a therapist and i dont want like therapy or anything but im 17 and ive known i was bipolar for 3 years now and i dont know how im supposed to live the rest of my life like this. im so fucking tired. how do you stay alive

you sent this a couple days ago & i’m posting at a weird time so i’m not sure if you’ll see it but.  

i’ve been looking at this message trying to decide how to respond

because i don’t know your situation, your symptoms, how you’re feeling, whether you’ve had positive or negative experiences with medication, psychiatrists, therapists, hospitals, all that related shit

the bipolar life advice i give to people is vastly different depending on the individual. it’s not a one size fits all thing.  and there’s never even a guarantee that my advice will be the right choice

so since i don’t know about your situation or experiences or what you want, i’m not gonna tell you what to do.  i’m gonna focus on the “how do you stay alive” question and try to pen down some personal feelings. and if they help then great, and if they don’t then... this is the most honest i can be

(you can always ask another question to get a better answer. my inbox is a coin slot and i am a vending machine of varied-degrees-of-helpfulness replies offered at varied-inconvenient-too-long-intervals)

-

how do i stay alive

it’s a 2-parter, actually.  i pondered how to condense my thoughts/feelings, and it came down to these two things

1. love 2. spite

-

1. love

the spite is easier to write about than the love.  love is hard to reach when i feel like shit.

spite is where i go when i want to die.  love is where i go when i want to want to live.

maybe i don’t want to be alive.  but maybe i wish i did.  spite doesn’t help me much there.  spite keeps me afloat, but it doesn’t make the floating pleasurable.  there’s more to life than outlasting everything that ever hurt me.  i need a reason to continue when there’s no enemy to fight

so. love

i almost wrote about the spite alone because that’s rawer, realer, more visceral.  that’s the shit that CONNECTS when everything feels hopeless.  but it would be a lie of omission.  spite is only one of the major food groups, you’ll waste away from malnutrition if you eat it for every meal. or at least, i will.

“so you’ve got a bunch of people you love,” you say, “and you stick around for them.  cry on them.  support each other.  like each other.  fine.”  you’ve heard this story before

nah.

i mean - yes.  i have people i love.  i live with two partners, i’ve got a third girlfriend, i’ve got a long-distance platonic life partner.  i have a support net, i have a family i’ve forged, i have confidence that i’m not alone.  i have, in a bare-bones checklist sort of way, fulfilled my physiological human need for connection

but i could live without every single one of them.  i’m not dependent upon any of them for my survival.  i’m not dependent upon them for love, given or received.  (this isn’t a callous cruelty, it won’t hurt them if/when they read this.  i’ve told them all this, they know.  they’re glad of it.)

so.  what the fuck does “love” mean, then?

the short explanation is that it’s my love of life, of things in the world.  it’s all the little connections i’ve made.  every time i love something, a hook tethers to the universe.  hook enough tethers, and i no longer feel the need to float away.  no dissolution of self today, sir

the rest of this section is some of the things i love. partially it’s to show how i connect to little things and ascribe magic to the mundane.  partially it’s because i like thinking about things i love, i like typing them out, and i like that i could keep going for thousands and thousands of words.

i am laying in bed at 7:30 AM with the lights off and the shades drawn.  blue  light comes through the slats because it’s the better time of year, the one where i finally get vitamin D, the one where the birds chirp at 4AM, the one where the sky isn’t impenetrably black til 10PM.

there’s a weighted blanket tucked around my legs.  my partner rafi bought it for us to share because it’s soothing and heavy and comforting and helps with my physical pain.  right now it’s soft on my skin and if i get too emotional as i write, i can pull it over me like a cloak until i’m settled.

the apartment’s walls are blank because we’ve spent eight months intending to put art up and keep forgetting.  but there’s a newly-unearthed dining area in the kitchen because i finally shifted around the unpacked boxes that were dominating the space.  it’s new and it surprises me every time i walk out there.  it’s open and inviting and bright and it’s a sign that we’re making this place home.

we’ll put a cheap IKEA table by the window and we’ll probably never eat family dinners there - why would we sit in hard chairs and make stiff conversation when we could all cuddle on the couch - but my partner dev will create a place to do their art and the surface will be constantly littered with drying watercolor experiments.

we’ll hang our art one of these days, too, when our collective adhd offers a miraculous combo of remembering + having time + having motivation + having inspiration.  rafi has the most art because they’ve been collecting it for years.  i have to start smaller.  i’m not used to keeping physical objects.  dev has a few pieces thrifted or bought at local artist events or painted themselves

so we’ll put art up in the living room, my single “you are magic” flower print alongside a naked monster lady that dev fell in love with when we browsed art at a yuletide event months ago, alongside rafi’s monster girls and comic characters and book characters and literature art and quotes and abstract pieces and whatever else they have hiding in boxes.

my head protests that naked monster ladies do not belong in the living room, although the picture isn’t overtly sexual.  but then i remember that they do, actually, because it’s our space and we can do whatever we want with it as long as the lease isn’t broken.  there isn’t anyone in the local social circles who’d be perturbed by the decor, as far as i know.  i don’t have to hide anything from my parents because i live 3600 miles from them, and even though i miss my mom, the distance is good for me

there are two exquisite chairs on the porch.  they fold and recline from thrones to nearly-horizontal beds.  there are pillows and cupholders and trays and specific spaces for both a book and a phone.  i can sit there while the morning sun rises and read or play word games or browse tumblr, cup of coffee beside me, trees shielding my eyes from stabby sunbeams

there are remnants of the last tenant’s garden in one corner of the yard.  we’ve done fuckall for yardwork but plants struggle through anyway.  some seem to have sprouted by accident.  mushroom clusters populate the edges of the fence.  the apartment squirrel (there are probably several, but i like to think it’s a single energetic creature) runs back and forth along the fence & i always lose my train of thought & then laugh my ASS off at the “SQUIRREL! XD” adhd moment.  birds kick up leaf litter and play on the ground looking for insects to eat, they wiggle their tail feathers and flap their wings and sometimes they disappear and then return with friends

a little more than eleven months ago, i packed all of dev’s and my shit into a uhaul and drove and drove and drove to get to this city i’d never been in before to live with a partner i’d never cohabitated with.  we were homeless for more than a month, we weathered some financial disasters, we met some great people and some shitty ones

on the drive i fell in love with the sky.  i didn’t know how big it can get - actually, that’s a lie.  i’d FORGOTTEN how big it can get.  i’ve loved the sky thirty miles out to sea, no land in sight in any direction, just blue water and blue space above.  i’ve loved the vastness and the yawning beneath me and the knowledge that everything is BIGGER than i can fathom.  the depth of the sea doesn’t frighten me, it’s home. i don’t want to die, but if i had to, the ocean makes a soothing grave

in north dakota i discovered that i’ve been partially blind my whole life, which is a different tale that showed me i’ll never stop learning myself.  in montana we struggled up thousands of feet of mountains with the car huffing and puffing at the trailer’s weight, and when we finally coasted downward, it felt like sudden freefall.  we ended up in the pitch darkness of night on sheer winding interstates with midnight construction projects forcing detours.  the mountains felt hungry, they had teeth.  mountain cliffs are much scarier to me than the ocean depths

i bought a red bull and poured a little out the driver’s side door as an offering to hermes, because i’m not particularly religious but i’ll take help where i can get it.  slammed that back in a few gulps and shook to bright-eyed alertness and ended up behind a slow-driving red pickup truck that guided us over about a hundred miles of mountain terrain

i thought, that’s just some construction worker driving between sites.  the roads are empty at this time of night, but it’s an interstate.  of course we’d end up behind someone.  this isn’t divine intervention.  this isn’t the benevolence of a god

i thought, but it can be a little magic.  if i want it to be.  

and it was.  it stays with me.

god help me but i’ve been writing this stream of consciousness for more than 30 minutes and i’ve said nothing.  i haven’t talked about the city, the parks, the people, the conversations, the books, the tv shows, the movies, the communities, the library, the animals, writing, reading, singing, acting, swimming, analyzing, creating, supporting, building.  and i can keep going.  i can come up with hundreds and hundreds of things i love and i can write paragraphs about all of them

so i’ll stop here.  you get the picture.  love is the life i’ve made for myself, the surroundings i’ve built, the quiet moments i can capture, the inspiration i pin, the magic i commit to memory.

i had to work so damn hard for every single bit of this.

i’ll be fucking damned if i let it go because my brain tried to trick me into thinking death is better.

-

2. spite

there are people who want me to die.

i don’t mean that i have a giant entourage of personalized enemies who curse my name and plan my individual demise.  although there have been plenty of people who have not liked me much.  probably some of them would enjoy my death.  i don’t give a shit about that

there are people who want me dead because i am a dot on a grid they dislike.  a faceless anonymous enemy who meets too many bad criteria with numbers and percentages and shrinking majorities and shifting public opinion

because i’m gay.  because i’m bipolar.  because i’m autistic.  because i’m a dropout.  because i grew up poor.  because my spine curves and my shoulders ache.  because i squandered my potential, because i didn’t have enough potential, because i didn’t love god enough, because i love the wrong gods, because i don’t worship, because i worship wrong, because i didn’t seek a husband, because i never wanted one, because i talk too much, because i can’t be controlled, because i chose to leave the fold when i realized it was suffocating me, because i’m ugly, because i’m gorgeous, because my body belongs to me

pick your poison.

this bothered me growing up, a lot. i knew i did not deserve to die. but if enough people tell you that you should, a little part of you will wonder if they’re right.  that little part might become bigger the closer they get and the louder they shout and the longer they wear you down

we know the rough shape of this story, i don’t need to tell it.  mine was messy and not triumphant and i survived more by chance than premeditation.

i’m older now.  by and large i’m still young as shit - i’m 24 - but GOD i am LEAGUES away from 15, 16, 17. i know who i am. i know what i want. i know how to get it. and when i don’t know that, i find out. i tell the truth.  i ask for what i want.  i use my time how i want.  i do what i want.

there are days that i can’t access the “love” side of the equation.  no finding poetry in birdsong or sugared coffee for me, thank you, i feel like shit and the world is awful and everything is too big and fast and cruel and everything wants me to die and it wants everything i love to die, too.  everyone i love.  it’s all garbage. the good doesn’t touch me

trauma is difficult to describe.  the difficulty is compounded by the fact that my trauma is influenced by my various neurodivergences, bipolar included.  i never know if i’m feeling what other people do.  i don’t know if i’m voicing unpalatable feelings others are afraid to express - or if i’m just othering myself, admitting i’m not as human as everyone else.

there is something malevolent and monstrous inside me.  i don’t touch it all the time.  but i don’t pretend it isn’t there.  it sits in my chest and molders or radiates or oozes.  it presses at my throat.  it curdles in my stomach.  it hurts what it touches, whether that’s me or someone i love or someone i hate.  it sets things aflame with no regard for the precious or the fragile.  it tears down walls and razes shelters and begs for apocalyptic rain.

i can give this thing names, clinical descriptors.  i know what it is on a diagnostic chart, in a ponderous article, in an academic debate, in a fiction novel, in a war movie, in a memoir.  there are a thousand ways to describe this thing.  the descriptors aren’t important.  what is important is this - i have learned that most people do not walk side-by-side with a tornado-hurricane-hellfire-weaponized-open-nuclear-reactor.  this is not a “normal” expression of human emotion, this is not me trying to ascribe power to “bad bipolar feelings.”  this thing lives in me and i know why it’s there and it is not designed to be held/silenced/muzzled/controlled by my body.

it does not help to pretend this thing does not exist.  it does not help to try to reason it away or ignore it or tell it to stop.  it wants what it wants, it does what it does.  possibly if i was better at therapy or stubbornness then i wouldn’t resign myself to that

but it is fucking EXHAUSTING to try to fight something that’s part of me.  to try to reshape it, rename it, pare it down, make it consumable for the masses.  it’s a war i have never won and it’s a war that i will lose if i keep fighting it.  i cannot fight with myself.  i cannot beat my monster into submission.  if we’re gonna battle like that, head to head, me trying to cut it down, me trying to be the hero, it rearing back like a fire-breathing dragon,

then it’s stronger.  it’s always stronger.

so i surrender.

but that’s not where i stop.

can’t fight it.  can’t kill it.  can’t muzzle it.  can’t reshape it, can’t disarm it, can’t contain it.  

alright.  

so what now.

if the surrender was a full giving-up, this is where i’d passively accept that i’m doomed to hurt and destroy everything precious to me.  can’t fix it.  will lose everything, will never experience or deserve happiness, will make the world worse simply by existing.

that sure does sound like impending-doom rhetoric.  hop skip and a jump from some dire-ass conclusions.  

so fuck that, i say. 

here’s a better question.

if it has to get out, then what happens if i control where it goes?

here’s the thing.

the monster doesn’t care what it kills or destroys or hurts.  

“have a conscience, care about things, remember love, stop yourself, don’t do this don’t do this don’t do this.” 

 losing battle.  lost war.

 it’s not the monster’s fault.  the monster doesn’t have complex motivations or hates or fears.  it exists to protect me through scorched earth.  a remnant of a chemical imbalance, maladaptive coping mechanism, bipolar crazy, traumatized injury.  it doesn’t know that its job is obsolete.

i can’t change the monster.

but my mind is a separate thing.  my mind knows what matters, what my priorities are, what i find precious, what i want to protect.  my mind remembers all the things the monster doesn’t.  

my mind has learned things the monster can’t.

when i fight it head-on, the malevolence is stronger than me.  but as i am, walking with it, sitting in my bed writing this while examining the void and the consciousness, describing it, quantifying it,

that’s when i’m stronger.

and with my mind as the stronger force, i can decide where the monster goes.  what it touches.  what it destroys.  what it burns.  where the ashes land.

i do not want to be a destructive person.  i want to be someone who builds, repairs, changes.  i want to make the world better for kids like me.  i want to stop pouring more gasoline onto a fire that’s been burning since long before i was born.  i want to believe - i do believe - that positive change is better than negative.  i do my best to plant good things and enact that positive change instead of becoming a beacon of wrath.

but there are a lot of kids surrounded by people who want them to die, and not all of them have a protective monster.

so it’s good.

when i’m depressed, my mind loses its battles.  my cognizance slips.  i forget why i care.  i forget what i want.  i forget how happiness feels, how to find pleasure in quiet moments.  

i don’t get depressed as often as i used to since my meds are adjusted correctly now.  but it still happens.  it will keep happening for the rest of my life.

my mind weakens and curls up and stops fighting, and the monster is always there.

it’s a very powerful thing when it wants to be.

it wants to survive.

the thing is, it knows there are people that want me/us/whatever dead.  it’s been fighting them forever.  die like they want?  my mind says, sure, what does it matter.

the monster says, nah.  our work isn’t done.  and fuck them, anyway.

so we get up.

-

so that’s how i stay alive.

i typed this for 90 minutes and after editing i’d spent two hours on this post.  i don’t know if anyone will read it all.  i don’t know if it’ll mean anything.  i don’t know if these thoughts even make sense, much less if i’ve conveyed the feelings i have.

i love being alive.  and when i don’t, i love being a monster.  it’s good.  all of it is good.  i’ve reconciled my uglier pieces.  it’s not one or the other, love or spite.  it’s symbiosis.  i need both, i love both.

no guarantees that this is helpful, but based purely on my own life experience, these are my tips for survival:

you’ll have to find your own roots.  i can’t give them to you.  

but it’s possible to dig them in and spread them far enough that one uprooted peg doesn’t shift your whole equilibrium.  

and when you’re tired, rest, and let yourself be tired, and find the reason why you’re staying in the world. 

 i’m positive there’s at least one.

figure out why you’re losing your battles and then change the game.

if you can’t win one setup, don’t try to beat the system.  adjust your strategy.

you’ll be surprised by what you can love when you stop fighting the disparate pieces of you, and instead figure out how to use them.

#i have several other questions to answer in my inbox if you've asked me st over the past few weeks #im not ignoring it im figuring out how to phrase my reply #replies #bipolar blogging #actuallybipolar #my writing #life advice #long post #REALLY long post #it's under a read more but if mobile deletes it i apologize #c ptsd tag #suicide m #ok to reblog #Anonymous

[onepunchmiss]

OPM s2e7 Live blog

“The S Class Heroes”

IM SCREAMING ALREADY I ONLY READ THE EPISODE TITLE ALRIGHT OK SO IT BEGINS TODAY, MY DEATH guys I am so pumped for the S Class focus thats about to begin with this episode like from here on out they become main players in the series and asfdbfhirksvfjkevfsnjkvfnjek how is it legal for ONE SERIES to contain SO MANY FAVES. Anywayyy Before I get started I’m actually wondering- this is the 7th episode of the second season… do we know how many episodes the season is supposed to run for? S1 only had 12 i think. I’m… I’m not even close to ready for it ending. Now that they’ve introduced Orochi, I’m not even sure where a good break in the plot would be?? Random concerns aside, lets get to the episode. As always, I’m watching this as someone who has read the manga and web comic to date

OROCHI IS PINK HE IS HOT PINK THATS ALL I HAVE TO SAY BEFORE THE TITLE SEQUENCE HITS ME LIKE A GUT PUNCH EVERY SINGLE TIME AND I STILL PAUSE IT AT ZOMBIEMAN OK off to a great start woo

Oh thank god we’re starting with the tournament I can stop quite literally holding my breath. Alright its Choze time. I’m actually excited for him to do things, his face has been nothing but terrifying thus far and hes one of those characters that are just fun to hate unapologetically. I love over-the-top Nazi stand-ins for that reason tbh

OH FUCK OH GOD I LOVE HIM also GAROU hiya welcome back I know it’s only been 2 weeks but i missed you so much thank you for gracing my screen for 5 seconds OH HECK the dramatic music and beginning of the internal monologue just being blatantly REJECTED caught me off guard I cackled AH WAIT WAIT

EYESIGHT DOGMAN ASDFGHK MY BABY IS COMING IM DEAD IM FUKKIN DEAD ALREADY I MISSED HIS CUTE VOICE hey no wait that was very quick?? I must withhold my bias, we’re at the point now where I have SCRUTINIZED every single panel of the manga over and over because of all of my faves, so even the smallest differences will be glaring to me. As much as I want all the action to be drawn out as it is in the manga, I know that’s never been how the anime has rolled. I must bite my tongue.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THE ONLY TIME WE’LL EVER SEE HIM AND YET!!! oof i had to pause for 2 minutes to chill out and actually type. I. I just. juST. BOI ARE YOU OK WHERE ARE YOU ARE YOU WELL AND WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE G4 tell me your secrets

WAIT COME BACK i dont give 2 SHITS about sweet mast HECKK

speaking of whom get off my screen u creep I have a personal bone to pick with u disrespecting the bae as you will

[SCREAMING]

Oh god this whole scene is so EXCITING and TERRIFYING child emperor’s face as Pig God just eats her, speaking of which -QUIT CUTTING BACK TO THAT TERRIFYING IMAGERY ASDFGHJ  

YES THEY KEPT IT YES YES YES YESYEYSYEYS YOU DONT UNDERSTAND how much Ive been looking FORWARD to that little scene??? im crying how is it possible to work myself up so much of this please help

ok ok back to the tournament give my heart a break phew Hey Choze if you’re genes are so superior then where are your eyebrows????? You dont pull it off HALF as well as Z does. Jeez everything about this guy is so absurd I can’t help but laugh irl the damn DNA helix rolling across the screen dude just stop you’re embarrassing yourself

although you DO know how to strike a pose. change ur name to Poze. Wait no. Your name is now GMO Corn I lied.

AGAIN GETTIN ME WITH THE WEIRD COLORS Hundred Eyes Octopuss is red and blue OK SURE

DEATH GATLING DEATH GATLING ASDFGHJKL guys I cant look at Narcisstoic oh no “no you’ll do no good”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I WASNT EXPECTING THIS THIS EPISODE BUT I SHOULD HAVE I WASNT PREPARED I paused it I’m afraid to push play he’s not on the screen yet i can still turn back and make it out alive -

                    Behold.                                     the moment   I          died        

I actually have this thing with eye gore and seeing it in motion fucked me up I had to skip 10 seconds but anyway FUCK he’s so SPARKLY and PRETTY

Noting also the music there totally gave me flashbacks to the Darkmatter Thieves invasion for a split second and that sequence in general was really well done I like how they emphasized the suckers sticking to the concrete and everything- it have the monster a lot of weight imo. Of course the studio would be fools to not give Tatsumaki the the utmost respect like that sooo

SPARKLY and PRETTY and TEMPTING FATE YOU FOOL yo I was so excited to this scene but I feel like they didn’t make his response angry enough it’s funnier when it so uncharacteristically mad I might do a redraw with the face he makes in the manga………….. FUKKIN was smiley face man just yelling noises to cover flashy’s voice???? FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

OH MY FUCK WE’RE GETTING MONSTER CELLS THIS EPISODE. OH MY HECK WE’RE COVERING MUCH MORE GROUND THAN I THOUGHT WE’RE ONLY HALF WAY THROUGH THE EP

plot progression plot progression plo t p r ogr e ss i on hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Kamikaze being the badass that he is i lov

SPEAKING OF LOVES LOOKY LOOK God i love those three Okamaitachi is a WIFE and IAI is a BAE HEY WAIT let them speak come back they said words i want voices!!!!!!!  this is going so fast??? Oh my god I was absolutely not expecting to get the Suiryu fight this episode holy crap holy crap?? Ok but I’m getting pumped the music is hype “trying to hide his nervousness by looking like a doofus” “this is how I always look” Oh saitama why do they do this to you. Jeez as much as I love everyone else I forget how much I miss him. 

Oh and he’s getting his hopes up again sweetheart no

This is so good I’m hardly pausing to type my thoughts I’m too invested AND NOW ALSO IM DIGGING THIS MUSIC this is good v good yes and there goes Saitama being a genuinely good person offended by this jackass Saitama is too good for this world

His voice… I love him sm. aaaaaaaaaaaaaand its over. hmmmmmmmmmmmm so I have a guess as to what the post credits scene will be but let’s just see

YUP I KNEW IT cause we skipped it last week and now that we’ve introduced the monster cells it was only logical Genos no bby stop getting completely obliterated mannnnnnnnn

In all, no real complaints??? My children?? Have began to appear finally??? I just wish they literally went word for word shot for d\shot with Drive Knight if only because I’m STARVED for DK content in general. But based on the pacing of this week’s episode, will definitely cover a lot of ground and be pretty intense. I should be less, uh, screaming? Next week too. I’m exhausted from spazzing every 10 seconds hah. Well, I just skimmed the manga again and there might be some but yeah I think I can calm down for maybe 2 weeks. maybe. take a wild guess who should show up right around that time. ANYWAY Thanks for reading see yall next weeeeekkkkk

#opmiss mumbling #live blogging #gouketsu #child emperor #saitama #suiryu #flashy flash #tatsumaki #drive knight #pig god #watchdog man #im exhausted #uhg #one punch man #season 2 #opm

[talkingtotheapples]

Hey remember when I said I’d do a lyric analysis of northern downpour, and then didn’t do that for like 6 months? yeah here we go:

the opening line of Northern Downpour: “if all our life is but dream” really sets the tone for the song, its half quoting a children’s song; establishing the almost nursery rhyme aesthetic the has going on for large parts. The changes Ryan makes to the line also reveal important thematic elements in the song--“life is but a dream” is changed from a definitive and general statement; its no longer commenting about general reality but rather questioning all his established feelings about their relationship. He is turning to the other person and saying “is any of this real? is this all a fantasy ive built up in my head?” it feels almost as if he is Begging them to contradict him, to tell him what they have is good and Real and not just “broken glass”, that for a second looked like “diamonds”, and although theres a desperate uncertainty to how hes wording these thoughts “/if/ all our life is but a dream” “/do appear/ to be, just like broken glass /to me/“ you get a sense its less that he’s unsure and more that he has this realization and he is /Praying/ he is wrong.

The second verse seems to be the other person’s reply, but instead of addressing his thoughts and questions they turns to what seem like general criticisms of him “i cant believe that genius only comes across in storms of fable foreign tongues”, this line seems to be a dig at how he expresses himself: unorganized, wild, and hard to understand, while they insist thats this cant be the only way, they offer him this rather than, as noted before, addressing his fear that they’re relationship is nothing more than a fantasy or a dream.

The chorus seems to shift away slightly from the conversation the first to verses are detailing, the tone also switches back to the nursery rhyme that was present in the first line of the song. It’s directed to a personified version of the moon, a common theme in english nursery rhymes, it’s also reminiscent of ‘rain, rain go away’ although reversed in meaning. Overall the line is almost a prayer, begging the moon to say in the in the hope that that would freeze this moment forever, this hope adds a sense of anxiety to the whole song as if whatever happiness is held in this moment is fragile and will inevitably end with the day break. Using a child like tone gives the line an innocent edge, innocent as in ignorant rather, he’s asking for an impossible thing, wording it like a nursery rhyme or children’s song acknowledges this, asking for this night/this moment/ maybe even this entire relationship to last is as fruitless as child singing to that rain in the hope that it will bring fair weather

“Sugarcane in the easy morning/weathervanes my one and lonely”; speaks of Contrast; the first line feels to me to be about happiness and contentment: sugarcane is sweet and wonderful but also simple and natural, he also used the word ‘easy’ which i think compounds that, its a situation that is happy and beautiful but also effortless then you add the setting of the morning time which brings with it a sense of domesticality, and so the line paints a picture of a relationship or situation that is blissful and warm but natural and content also(much like a home)This is immediately contrasted with the next line; ‘weathervanes my one and lonely’ : weathervanes are an image that instantly conjure(for me anyway) ideas of isolation, they are distant from everything, they’re an object you own but have no physical contact with, this is then emphasized by the weathervane being described as lonely, Ryan, by using a possessive phrase aligns himself with the weathervane, creating the suggestion they are the same(he is also isolated and alone). Further more the choice of a weathervane suggests location as well, theyre an object rarely if ever found in the city, an object that is completely connected to farm life, as this is a song written by someone who lives in a city but travels long, long distances through the country seeing things like weathervanes would be a visual reminder that he’s a far from home as it well as being an object that is ‘lonely’ in its own right, bringing us back to the ‘one and lonely’ part, they’re joined together by their equal loneliness.

we shift back to the conversation here with a description of the of the other person talking: “through playful lips made of yarn”, Ryan has been using body imagery through out the song, and theres often been a subtle personification of the body parts, which is very true in this case. Instead of the speaker being simply described as talking the words move through their ‘playful lips’, which gives the words an edge of agency in their own right. But in this case he hasn’t just personified the lips, he’s also given them a sense of the artificial, by describing them as being made of ‘yarn’, not only is it a artificial material, it also has a strikingly different texture to lips(the line wouldnt have the same effect had he used plastic instead) the description gains a very haptic feel to it, but also alien and strange, potentially indicating his feelings towards the other person at this point.

The emotion of the verse starts shifts back to the more distraught feeling at the start of the song, the “Capricorn” is described as “fragile” and the words the came from the “playful lips” now “unravel”. As if the as the conversation progresses the other person gets more and more upset, and their speech more jumbled.

There isn’t a clear indication who or what ‘that fragile capricorn’ is, the natural inclination is that it’s the other person(presumably they are a capricorn) but its place in the verse seems to suggest otherwise— it seem to be the cause for the mood change, “/That/ fragile Capricorn /unraveled/ words like moths upon old scarves”, like it is the cause for the unraveling, I want to argue that its an outside force or situation, potentially the conversation they are currently having; tentative and hanging over their heads.

this is immediately followed by, what ryan described as the central line of p.o.: “I know the world’s a broken bone but melt your headaches call it home”, in the context of this song potentially being about a troubled relationship it could be taken to be about that specifically, a plea either to the other person or himself to keep working on the problems in their relationship, but I think its almost meant to be taken in general sense,(potentially as well) its not enough to just acknowledge the ways in which your life, or the wide world is hard and harmful and then to wallow it that pain, rather you have to then be proactive in that situation and Make It Better(which is a bit of a theme in jon’s solo music but i Digress).

the song then moves back into a repetition of the ‘sugarcane’ line, eventually interlaced with ‘hey moon’, finally the song ends on two new lines: “You are at the top of my lungs/Drawn to the ones who never yawn” and return to the body imagery that has ran through the song, “you are at the top of my lungs” has implication of someone ‘taking your breathe away’(tho its infinitely better worded that i actually feel guilty describing it as such but i dont know how else to put it). yawning is a sign of tiredness or boredom so the opposite of that invokes connotations of focus or intensity, tho i got to say im unclear as to whether that line refers to Him being “drawn to the ones who never yawn” or the other person, I default on it being the other person because of the wording but it makes more sense to me if it refers to ryan idk

basically northern downpour is a song that sits tentatively strung between the knowledge that maybe this relationship isnt the healthiest and being So in love with the other person that you almost dont care but mainly desperately want to be proved wrong, desperately begging the moon to stay in the sky so this Good moment doesnt end and you wont have to face reality by the harsh light of day

Some Notes

•this might be a a bit of a hot take idk it isnt really what i thought about the song until i thought intensly about each line for hours but once i landed on it the more i became convinced that was what the song was talking about, its still just my interpretation tho, how ever you interpretated it is just as valid u know, and if you wanna send me your thoughts about northern downpour(or any song off pretty odd lmao) please feel free! i obviously have Thoughts lmaoo

•kinda wanna write an entire piece about how northern downpour, dangrous blues and lie to the truth are basically a trilogy, kinda wanna cry

•i had to physically stop myself from writing an entire paragraph about how ‘i know the worlds a broken bone but melt your headaches call it home’ is a progression from the central ideas of fever and im real emotional about it but i managed to control myself cos it didnt really fit

#also feel free to to send me a message if there are typos in this i tried hard to edit it but i wouldnt be suprized if i missed some #ryan ross #pretty. odd. #panic! at the disco #patd #txt #long post #sorry i donno how to do readmores on mobile and the desktop version really didnt want me to post this 😫

[chthonicgodling]

WOW UH, HERE I AM WITH A.............. UH, A MOTHERS DAY PIC HERE ON THIS [checks watch] NIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF JUNE--

it’s The Entire Underworld’s Mom,. Nyx!!! + BBABYS

i did start drawing all these around actual mother’s day and then got WAY sidetracked and only JUST picked it up again to finish it today ;0 had asked around whom and what i should draw FOR mother’s day and Nyx + assorted kids had been the answer. yes yes sorry greek mythology everyone is got dam related -

the first drawing is my Fancy Layout Drawing Of Nyx, because i literally never ever draw her i think ive drawn her once before? Nyx if yall dont know, is the greek Titan goddess of night also, together with her husband Erebus Titan god of darkness & shadow, is the parent of baaaasically almost every chthonic deity in the Underworld, including a hefty chunk of Elysium daemons and deities. so attached, here’s Cameos of (BABY) Elysium daemons and deities, who all (FOR THE MOST PART, YES I SEE U CHARON) made their mom’s life difficult lmao- tho in their defense Nyx really wasn’t theeeee best parent either, as she literally had so many kids that she let them all basically run around unattended, which only worked so long as none of them hacked at the others with scythes. so uh. eeyeah worked out good

ANYWAY from top to bottom here’s:: bby Charon, who doesnt have a harmful bone in his body :’) // bby Thanatos & Hypnos, who caused so much trouble when they were kids that the Underworld really referred to them as The Nightmare Pair // bby Eury IVE BEEN MEANING TO DRAW THIS FOR A THOUSAND YEARS ITS REALLY WHERE THE MOHAWK CAME FROM // bby Epi who bit and scratched anything that moved too close to him // and bby Ker who uh. uhhhhhhhhhhh. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Charon, Eury, and Epi belong to @fenixethekid; this Nyx, Hypnos, Thanatos, Ker are mine; the stars in Nyx’s hair are this and her wings are this!

#animal death tw // #blood tw / #my art #long post #mother's day #oc talk #elysium #BOY FUCKING BOY REBLOG THISSSSS

[theloveablesociopath]

Silver Silence Part 9

Pairing: Bucky x shy enhanced reader

Summary: Bucky finally finds himself able to live at the compound with the team, but finds it difficult to repress his feelings for his new very shy and gentle teammate.

Word count: 2,044

Warnings: Swearing as always

NOTES: feedback is really appreciated, sorry it took a while and sorry it’s a lot of information.

“Miss (y/n), Mr. stark requests your presence in the conference room immediately.”

A voice jerked you out of a blissful slumber, one filled with fantasies of how tonight’s date would go with Bucky. You groaned and rolled over, peering at the red screaming numbers of the clock.

7:13 am

“Tell him I’m on my way.” You mumbled back to the AI, luckily though he caught it and left you at peace. Your voice sounded slightly scratchy and robotic, as if static was clouding the used to be clear audio that was your man made voice.

You lazily stumbled out of bed, throwing on the nearest clean- or semi clean- shirt and pants and made your way down to the conference room.

When you arrived, all the avengers stood like a pack of wolves around a table, pointing angrily at different areas on an electronic map. It wasn’t long until tony noticed you, and spoke up, earning the attention of all other heroes. “Morning sleeping beauty.”

“Good morning.” You replied, but your voice had gone almost completely robotic, causing your hand to shoot up to your throat in worry. Everyone’s eyes were wide and concerned; all except Tony’s who simply smirked.

“Ah, I was afraid this would happen.” He pulled a small box, almost resembling an altiode tin out of his pocket and opened it, taking out a small chip. “Not to worry, iv thought of everything, as usual.”

He walked up to you and without warning, turned your head, moved your hair, and plunged the small square behind your ear.

“I created this little port back here for upgrades, that way surgery isn’t always necessary.”

He stepped back and motioned you to try it out.

“Thanks tony.” You tried, and it was clear, yet it seemed all eyes were still wide on you. “What?” you asked.

And that’s when you heard it, it wasn’t your voice, it was Tony’s, clear as day.

“Please don’t tell me this was your intention, when you said you updated her software.” Steve mumbled.

“Tony! What happened, did you give me your voice!” you shrieked.

“Calm down, calm down. No, although I’m sure you’d love that.” He hurriedly tried to explain. “Think of someone else; think of their voice, their tone.”

“What do you mean think of someone else?!” you yelled in frustration, and your sure if anyone closed their eyes they would think tony was having an argument with himself. “Why?!”

“Think of someone else, someone’s voice, just try it.” He pleaded.

You furrowed your brows but then began thinking of the first person that popped into your head. Unfortunately between your worry and anger that person was still Tony, and you had to force your mind to navigate to another individual.

Your mind went straight to Bucky, you wanted to pretend it was because he was staring at you from across the room, eyes turned in concern, but you knew it was because he was always on your mind.

He was like malice on cheap wallpaper, he was always there and his presence, his thought, his being clung to your mind. You concentrated on his voice, its low hum, its warm vibrancy, and you found yourself captivated.

You mumbled and stuttered until actual words formed, and luckily not a robotic, or stark tone.

“I swear to god if you don’t fix this-“you stopped abruptly. Your voice, it was exactly how you imagined it. It was Bucky’s voice, crystal clear, so much so that a few members of the team looked back at Bucky to be sure he hadn’t said anything. His eyes were wide and his face was drawn into an almost awe struck expression

“There you go!” tony cheered.

“Now what! I want to sound like me!”  The tone of your voice was still low, and you had to remind yourself that Bucky wasn’t actually saying anything.

“Just think about your normal voice it’s not that hard.”

You huffed and forced your thoughts on your own voice.

"why did you make it this way in the first place.” You questioned, surprised to find your voice in its normal tone.

“You lost your powers.” He sighed, and then quickly continued as your eyes narrowed. “- which was a good thing for your health and all, but it made you pretty useless on the field.”

“I was never on the field anyway.”

“Yeah, yeah I know, but I had always planned you to be, you’re a smart kid, I want you to be with us out there.” He paused and fished a small remote device out of his pocket, “here, this will hopefully help with all the controls, the thinking part is more of a last result.”

You took the remote from his hands, and peered down at the light up touch screen.

“What could I even do with this on the field?”

“Your new vocal cords allow you to copy anyone’s voice that you hear. This will be perfect paired with a little hand to hand combat training from Natasha.” He glanced at the red head, who glared at him, then back to you with a smirk. “you can talk to an opponent, get his vocal frequency, take him out, then easily talk through his comms.”

He looked damn proud of himself, only causing Steve’s annoyed expression to deepen.

“and what if that ‘opponent’ is speaking a different language.” Steve interjected.

“Oh!” he grabbed the device from your hands, and fiddled around with it after typing in four different security codes. “There, speak.”

You felt like a dog but did anyway.

“Jo të bisedoni me mua si im një qen.” You covered a hand over your mouth.  (“dont talk to me like a dog”)

“Kjo eshre ajo qe gjuha!?” (what language is that?!)

you where sure that no one could understand you, so its not as if questions was effective, that is until tony looked down, seeming to be reading something. “uhhh- Albanian.” Tony stated. “Ndryshoje ate perseri!” (change it back!) he again looked down at the screen. scanned it and began typing. “better?” he asked “god i hope so.” you responded. He handed you the device again, then began to walk out the door. only then did you notice to translate audio controls he was using.

“We’ll use you on our next mission, try to practice with it from now until then.” He was followed by Steve, Natasha, Thor and Wanda.

You stood there, glancing towards Bucky then back down at the screen in your hands.

------------------------------------------------

That night you spent almost 4 hours picking out the right outfit. You finally settled on professional looking white blouse and black slacks. It was hard to except comfort in wearing a dress, especially for how fragile your body used to be, instead you decided you’d slowly work up to that.

After doing your makeup and hair, you went down to the common room and found Bucky waiting patiently on the couch, his body lined in kaki pants, and a navy blue dress shirt. When his eyes locked on you, he stood.

“Y-you, I uh…” he stuttered, “You look amazing.” You blushed as he then rubbed the back of his neck and quickly grabbed his gray blazer from the back of the couch. “Are you ready?”

You nodded meekly.

It was a funny thing, being so nervous around him, you’d kissed him before, talked to him plenty, and he took an unusually fast likening to you. But still you felt butterflies in your tummy and simultaneously  felt those butterflies flap their wings of fire to cause it to churn.

Nervous, yes that’s what you still are. The whole way there, clinging to Bucky’s arm, and the entire time you waited to be seated.

And then, you weren’t.

You were flying on cloud 9, staring into pools of ocean and laughing with the sound of liquid gold that poured from his mouth.

“You really broke 6 bones while trying to play tennis?” he chuckled.

“Yeah well I was an hyper child.” You replied, but then he stopped for a moment, thinking.

“(y/n)?” he asked softly, peering over the candle light as you pressed a glass of wine to your lips.

“Hmm”

“What happened before Tony found you.”

You coughed; choking on your drink and feeling some pour down your chin, but quickly wiped it before it could touch your blouse.

“Sorry, I’m just curious, you don’t have to-“

“No, no. it’s alright Bucky.” You cleared your throat. “Id start at just before they took me in but it probably wouldn’t make any sense.”

“Start were ever you’d like”

You smiled.

“When I was little my dad was always a little… worried, about me.” You gulped. “More so then most parents, but out of anything I think in a way.. He was scared of me.”

“Scared of you?” Bucky questioned.

“My mom died, when I was born. But the doctors never knew why. And I think in a way he blamed himself… but even more he blamed me.”

You took a deep breath and let it out through your mouth.

“As I grew up, he started to notice my frail state. I broke bones so often a hospital room became like a second home, and as such my father spiraled down into debt.”

“So he did the only think he could think of.” You looked up at Bucky, his expression hard and concerned. “He put me up for adoption.”

“How… how old where you?”

“Ten.” You smiled. “Ten, and id already broken every bone in my body at least once.”

“I was an active kid, I loved sports, I loved dares, but when I was put into that home, I was on lock down. A couple times even in a padded cell.”

The waiter came to pick up menus, asking about choices and smiling sweetly at you. But Bucky didn’t remove his eyes from your face, he was frozen.

“Did you ever….” He trailed,

“No. I never got adopted. I was there from 10 to 18 and not once was I even allowed to be interviewed.”

You gave a humorless laugh.

“Defective, that’s what they’d call me. So I felt I needed to prove to them, and my father I could live on my own.”

“So I left, an 18 year old with no money, family or friends, and I got a job.”

This time you laughed, you laughed in good heart and watched Bucky smile softly at the sound.

“’Terry’s seafood.’ I always smelled like tuna and grease. But I found a little apartment, and I lived, I lived and I didn’t break a single bone for 2 years.”

“What happened?”

You shook your head.

“The third year wasn’t bad. Minor injuries., the 4th and 5th was just bad relationships and insomnia but the 6th … I was in car crash, broke so many bones I was in the hospital for months, and when I got out… I was so far in debt, so lost in the pile of rent, that I couldn’t get back up.”

The food finally arrived, but being so engaged in the conversation, neither of you began to eat.

“The whole year before Tony found me was hell. I lost my job, my home, everything. It was like a nightmare, because I finally saw my dad in myself. Not even I could deal with me. I was so much baggage; I couldn’t even live with myself.”

“And… the blast?” Bucky wondered. But he had the most heartbroken look on his face. One that he got when he wanted to say something but couldn’t. And you knew him well enough to know that it was probably something to contour your inner turmoil.

“I broke my leg.” You wiped a hand down your face. “I broke my leg, and I had no house, no job, and a mountain of debt, I couldn’t go to the hospital, but I also couldn’t walk, which means I couldn’t find food. So I was angry, I was livid. Why me. Why did I have to carry around this burden of glass skin, and then… I just kind of lost it.”

You poked around your plate with your fork.

“I didn’t mean to do so much damage Bucky… I really didn’t.” you mumbled.

“Well I’m glad you did.” He chuckled.

“Why?”

“Well… because we met.”

Permanent tags:

  @barricadechap @barnesandnoble13 @soldierplum

Silver Silence tags:

@avengershavethetardis  @dingo-ate-my-baby-crazy666 @loveyourselfcreateyourself @marvel-is-my-life2099 @ipaintmelodies @killer-stiles @chipilerendi @ladymelissastark  @iamwarrenspeace

@melconnor2007 @imagine-that-100  @axelinchen  @illiter-ace   @damnbuckyishot  @ladymelissastark @fab-notfat

#silversilencepart9 #silversilence #theloveablesociopath #Bucky Barnes #james bucky barnes #bucky x reader #winter solider x reader #wintersoilder #marvel #bucky fanfic #bucky fic #fanfic #fanfiction #marvel fanfiction #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan x you #james barnes x reader

[smokewizard992-blog]

Its not done but this is my longest story so far please excuse any grammical errors.

Title: Kurokus revelation Another bright and sunny day in the leaf. kuroku returning from a short and simple misson he took to alive his usual boredom. "Now that im home i wonder what to do now" said kuroku as his coat fluttered in the wind. He stops with a face of uneasy wonder as he places his hand on his chest "the ticks are uneasy" kuroku pondered "something isnt right i probably forgot to clean something in the cafinic.." kuroku said with an uneasy grin. And in an instand several explosions can be heard through out the village. "WHAT THE HELL!" said kuroku as he unwravels the hive. "For once things wont be boring!" Said kuroku confidently as he takes off to go meet the challenge. Moving quickly through the village he notices several large centipede creatures thrashing around the village. One of these large beasts turns its attention twards kuroku and lunges towards him kuroku jumps landing on a near by building. "Have a taste of this then!" With a few flicks of his finger tips the hive takes off into the sky above the centipede. A series whirling and click of gears from the hive is heard as several compartments open in the hive revealing ticks fit to burst. The ticks quickly detach and begin to plummet twards the beast eventually exploding in rapid succession "special move: aburame light show" said kuroku with a large toothy grin on his face as the smoke cleared revealing the beast in multiple pieces but kurokus victory is short lived when he senses another presence close to him but before he can turn and retaliate he takes a hard right hook to the cheek sending him across the rooftop. Kuroku now bleeding from the corner of his mouth he looks up and becomes stricken with suprise "i...its you! Theres no way my ticks blew you to pieces!!!" A deep voice radiates the air "you didnt honestly think those little flys of yours would be enough did you?" Chapter 2: Brains vrs brawn "Ok first off meat head they arent flys they are ticks" said kuroku in a irritated groan as he slowly stands up to his foe "Akui kosodoro this time ill make sure i do more than just give u a parting gift on your face" kuroku muttered wiping blood from his lip. Loud cracks echo through the strangely still air as akui cracks his knuckles. "Speakin of which i need to return the favor bug boy" with out a seconds hesitation akui charges across the roof top chakra collecting in his drawn back fist to deliver a more powerful blow as he lashes out his blow once again connects to kurokus face but before he flys off kuroku bursts into a puff of smoke revealing a log "A Substitution?!" Said akui with a shocked tone of voice. Akui quickly notices a patch of paper on the log showing a crude drawing of kuroku giving the finger saying "catch me if u can boxer breifs" the log then opening two side doors revealing 4 ticks. Akui quickly launches back knowing what those bugs mean. Narrowly escaping the blast akui is forced off the roof top and onto the city streets. "Where did that snail slip off too" said akui angrily quickly throwing up hand signs for a jutsu. Boar,dragon,rat his eyes intensify and chakra forms infront of them in an almost binocular fashion and through his eyes all the scources of concentrated chakra are highlighted in his vision. Akui knotices theres chakra strings all over the street attached to random objects and sputtering off into what seemed to be random dicrections. "Tsk youll have to do better than that" akui then focuses even harder revealing the chakra in each string one in particular glowing brighter than the rest "there u are!" Said akui as he runs following the string leading him to a pottery shop. "This again...WHY DONT U COME OUT AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!" Akui shouted into the building. frothing with anger akui hesitantly walks into the shop following the string up to a gourd in the back of the shop "ive seen this trick of yours hide by disguising yourself as the gourd your puppet rolls up into while that damn doll attacks from the shadows well not this time i have you now!" Akui said excitedly as he smashes the gourd with his fist busting off the top half only to reveal theres no kuroku but more ticks ready to blow akui quickly backing up in a panic he knocks over some other pots which have even more ticks inside "SHI-" akui intterupted as the entire shop bursts into a torrent of smoke and flame. Across the street kuroku hops out from behind a tree "first off i dont fight like a man i fight like a shinobi. Second off. Special move: Basket Bomb" said kuroku as he adjusts his shades and reels the hive back into its gourd shape. (End of chapter 2) Chapter 3: we all know pain As kuroku wraps up everything from he previous encounter which included making sure the shop keep and any civilians were unharmed. A roaring voice echoes throughout the village "ALL MIGHTY PUSH" says the voice as the village begins to shake and rumble and a large crater begins forming during this a large gust of wind and dust blows up sending kuroku flying. Hitting his head upon his landing rendering him unconscious. Moments of kurokus life past by in an instant and yet he experiences every moment like they just happend. Most of these moments included hinata in every moment she appeared kuroku felt a warm joyous feeling overwhelm him but as they went on that feeling faded and shifted into a red hot jealousy because he realized hinata wasnt looking at him but rather naruto instead the memories became blurry as they went by faster faster eventually kuroku saw his own face with a scowl and furrowed brow he opens his mouth and says "its not ment to be". Suddenly kuroku jerks awake realising hes buried under a pile of rubble blood running from the top of his head to his chin on the right side of his face. a small chip in the left lense of his shades. His throat dry his body sore. "I have to find her" kuroku grumbled as he began to shift and move to get out from under the rubble. Upon finally digging out his upper torso he saw something that crushed him not physically but this hurt more than any broken bone down at the bottom of the crater he saw her.. hinata standing in front of what kuroku first thought was the fourth hokage but looking more closely it was naruto trying to protect the village and she was protecting him. Kuroku couldnt hear most of what hinata was saying but the message to kuroku was vividly clear. Kuroku heard these words as if he was right next to them "i love you naruto" and just as kuroku heard these words he felt his body become 100 times heavier and his heart drop into 1000 pieces his ticks became restless as one lonely tear fell down his cheek kuroku didn't fully understand how he felt . he was hurting but there was something else a tiny something a small glimmer of somthing deep down past all the pain....it was peace kuroku felt at peace with what he saw and then he realized why kuroku felt happy so long as hinata was happy and if konohas hyperactive knuckle head ninja was the one who made her happy. Kuroku began to try and pull himself outt of the rubble but he was to exhausted to continue eventually collapsing once more. (End of chapter 3) Chapter 4: recovery Kuroku opens his eyes to realize he was napping in the woods and needed to get back to the village so he stands up and begins walking kuroku eventually reaches behind him to grab something and starts to panic "HEY WHERES MY uhhhh..." he said forgetfully he begins patting all over himself for he couldnt shake the feeling of something thats very symbolic of his character is missing as he pats his coat pocket and finds his shades "ah here they are" kuroku said as the feeling mostly dissapated kuroku eventually stops and kneels at a small creek and leans over to see his reflection and he quickly knotices the one black tuft of hair that sticks up no matter what he does "in my dream it was red...i may do that it looked pretty good" kuroku said to his reflection "that way youll look far cooler when your older" he said with a playful childlike chuckle. Kuroku eventually looks up and sees a man in white cloth staring down at him from atop the hill. Kuroku being the agravatable child he is began to march up to the man to tell him its rude to stare but as he got to the top the man turned and walked away only to reveal to kuroku that theres a small log cabin at the top of the hill but hes sure that he shoulda been able to see the cabin from where he was but ever determined kuroku marched on into the cabin only for him to see rows upon rows of large doll like items of all shapes and sizes kuroku is filled with wonderment he sees the man at a small work desk at the other side of the cabin so kuroku wanders up "what are these things.." kuroku said curiously "Puppets" said the man in a kind but stern voice "i build them to keep from being home sick" said the man again kuroku astonished his mind began to scribble all the possible aplications for these tools "TEACH ME HOW" shouted kuroku as a grin makes its way across the mans face as everything fades away once more with a quick glimpse of kuroku learning building and training eventually completeing the hive as once more he wakes up only in a room he did not recognise on a bed that wasnt his as he felt around he knoticed his legs are in braces and he bumps into a book accidentally "HEY watch it will ya im trying to study here" said a voice as the page gets turned kuroku quickly looks up quickly being a loose term since hes very sore and he knotices hanabi hyuga reading her book at his bedside as she looks up and realizes that hes awake and she stands up and runs out the door kuroku is very confused but remains calm as neji and shino walk in "about time u woke up natsu has been working tirelessly treating you and taking care of hanabi" said neji in his usual stern voice "im actually astonished this isnt a result of more of your breeding projects" said shino as a way to mock kuroku "honestly it kinda is" kurokus face suddenly went strawberry red as natsu walked in and and lit up "oh im so releived your awake" said natsu gently. "Y-your a woman?!" Said kuroku with embarrased suprise in his voice "does my name not give it away?" Said natsu "to be honest its not at all what i imagined" a flash of a pink haired pyromaniac appeared in kurokus head. Natsu looks down and says "sorry i didnt meet your expectations kuro-san " kuroku quickly retorts 'NO no u exeeded them greatly ! Uhh how long was i out anyways? Natsu looks up "about a week." She says reluctantly "A WEEK?!" said kuroku with a shock "that means at somepoint youve......" his face turning even more red natsu walks up and starts removing the braces "it wasnt bad" said natsu very quietly kuroku looks to be on the verge of a heart attack as he falls out of bed from celebrating (End of chapter 4)