Healing can look and feel a lot like pain, so it's hard to imagine this being a good sign. However, I think feeling like it's getting worse can be a sign that you're healing and you're making progress.
I've been noticing in myself that I feel a whole lot worse ever since I actually... acknowledged I have a lot of healing to do and that I am unwell. I actually allowed myself to entertain the idea, and it's opened the floodgates to me finding out just how bad it got. I'm grateful in a way that I'm getting worse now because I have the ability to heal.
If it feels like it's gotten worse, maybe it could be because you're making your way out of the storm. It's going to be okay.
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well this morning as I woke up from a 4 or so hour night of sleep i had the brilliant idea of trying to fight Gabriel in 3-2 on Violent while listening to a youtube video, with no in-game music, relatively low in-game master sound and without having actually beaten him (on Violent) after having spent over three hours and a half exclusively trying to kick his ass a few days ago.
so. uhm. yeah. drew how it felt (while also remaining as vague as i could as to not upset anyone lol)
this was both surprisingly hard but also relatively quick? in a weird sort of way? idk girl
screenshots below if you care lol
the 3h30 hour attempt proof (i quit at fucking 3 am my wrists were sore as fuck)
the one successful attempt (was surprisingly quicker than expected)
so uh. yea. laughed really loudly when i did beat him and when he called me an insignificant fuck again. 11/10 will do again.
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I'm sorry all I can think about now is the eggs just having the worst childhood trauma growing up
this is what I'm getting hung up on for the night, this is what the horrors did to me
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Idk if there's enough people talking about what a gigantic energy drain Complex PTSD is. It's not just one single traumatic event, it's having lived in a traumatic situation for a long time. And in the case of child abuse, your entire formative life period. Everything is a trigger, anxiety is your default, and your brain keeps trying to keep you safe by yelling at you about everything you're doing "wrong", which will lead to pain. Your brain is a constant war zone, braced for attack, rarely relaxed, at least some part of you always hypervigilant. The stress it takes on your body is insane. It's why trauma is linked to autoimmune issues, heart disease, type 2 diabetes, and, according to one study, cancer.
Physical disability leaves you even more vulnerable and less able to live up to the impossible standards of control and "correct" behaviour your brain insists on, not to mention the free gift given to all patients of chronic illness that is medical gaslighting and patient-blaming, all of which simply compounds the trauma. Reduced physical and mental health obviously leads to systemic risk factors such as inability to pursue academic and professional qualifications, poverty and financial struggle, malnutrition, becoming unhoused or bad living conditions, exacerbated medical issues and further lack of medical resources, reliance on welfare and care networks, and becoming trapped in codependent, abusive or toxic relationships. The knock-on effects are endless.
This is all to say— if you're wondering why you can't seem to do more than the bare minimum every day when you haven't been diagnosed with a physical illness, or you're "not that disabled", or you think your symptoms are "just psychosomatic" (which means your brain is under so much intolerable stress that it's started taking a chair to the windows and destroying the furniture just to get you to NOTICE AND MAKE IT STOP): the answer is that your body is actually struggling under the kind of stress that kills trained soldiers and disables them for life. So stop trying to convince yourself that you're just not trying hard enough when what you really, desperately need to get your life on track is community, care, rest and ease.
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The Cost of Living when Chronically Ill
It’s only the 24th April and already we have spent $1500 AUD on (desperately needed) supplements, medicine, a physiotherapist appointment, a counselling appointment, a nutritionist and my specialist. Absolutely none of the above was covered by our Medicare system. NONE.
And those expenses for April are BEFORE my EMDR session today and the 3 scans I need of my abdomen. I will soon be getting a bill in the mail for the 2 blood tests I took, as well. Next month will be a repeat of this month plus an additional $1300 for a medical treatment for my partner, AND he needs to see a dermatologist, too. In June we will be seeing my long-awaited immunologist who is also not covered by Medicare. :)
And of course I now, by law, have to pay $80 to have a 3 minute telehealth appointment with my medicinal cannabis prescriber to say “yes, everything is fine” because the government insists that any patient taking the drug has to report back every 2 months that that they are not dying because of it and are not addicts. I have enough scripts to last me the year and have been on medical cannabis for 8 years - I know what I am doing and I am FINE on it.
Oh, and those bottles cost $270 a pop.
I have also started a new plant-based fiber-rich diet to try to heal my rapidly declining gut wall at a time when food prices are skyrocketing. We went to the local fruit and veg shop and bought the required fruit, veggies and spices to support the two of us for 1 week, and it came to $135 (and they didn’t stock everything we needed). $135! For two people! To eat healthy for ONE Week! And that was just fresh produce and not even things like pasta, laundry detergent etc. WTF?!
At the same time, just this month alone, we had most everything break on us and spent several thousand in car and house repairs.
I don’t know man I just want to be able to sleep at night without having nightmares about our finances and how we're going to afford all this. Even being one of the very lucky millennials who lives in a house we (very partially) own, we're struggling to maintain things.
I’d eat the rich but I am pretty sure I’d have a food intolerance to them too.
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IM SORRY BUT "MENTAL ILLNESS POKE-RAP" MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD FOR NO REASON
I REALLY cannot think of a better simile, like, I don't want to just grab different types of neurodivergence like I'm just slapping down names. I want to treat each one I include with the screentime and devotion it deserves, and make sure there are multiple examples especially for the ones that are more stigmatized.
Mental Illness Pokemon Episode, not Mental Illness Poke-Rap
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Emperor’s Vigor Tonic: A Game-Changer in Male Wellness
Emperor’s Vigor Tonic: A Game-Changer in Male Wellness
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are you injured? let me see.
That was way too close // @ahkmourn
"It's nothing too serious... just a blow to the head." Five of them, actually; the larger enemies he ran into seemed to have this running theme of dropping boulders onto his head. A man of a lesser constitution would have crumpled under the assault, armor or no, but Meteor simply stood, bowing his head at Iri's unspoken plea to let her have a look.
No warmth trickled down his face nor scent of rust hit his nose to indicate any open wounds on his head, but Iriste was more thorough than to leave it at that, and he felt her start to part his hair to check for any wounds that he couldn't feel. "I doubt you have any fear of going bald; you've a veritable forest of hair up here, coarse and dense as bear fur," she had teased once as he lay his head in her lap. Though he'd assured her he had a high pain tolerance before, he felt her fingers work through his scalp as gently as they had that sleepy afternoon, and the reminder of that memory felt like a balm, as a warm hearth did to a weary adventurer.
If he rose with a smile, it turned more mischievous as he met her eyes. "I feel fine. Or at the very least, I haven't forgotten my own name yet, so that's a good sign as any, right?" That joke might have earned him a flick on the forehead though, so he quickly follows it with assurances before she can admonish him. "In all seriousness, if anything feels off with me, you'll be the first to know."
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