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bullet-prooflove · 1 year

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The Missing Piece: Part Three - Whatever You Need (Luke Alvez x Reader)

Tagging: @celilice1 @kabloswrld @xoxabs88xox @crazy4chickennuggets @anime-weeb-4-life @rosaliedepp @storiesofsvu @desert-fern @99-reasons-to-live @legit9thlunaticwarrior @niya12 @yehhdh @cupids-lover @teti-menchon0604 @telepathay @julieelliewrites @teti-menchon0604 @laylasbunbunny @est1887

The Missing Piece Series:

Part One: The Missing Piece

You were sitting beside each other in Penelope’s office, your hands wrapped around a mug of tea, heating your palms as you sagged into your seat, head bowed as you stared into the milky liquid.

"You know my sister always says a good cup of tea cures all the world's woes." You said, speaking for the first time in what seemed like hours. Luke had given you that mental space, you needed it after you’d recounted your story to Emily and JJ in the interview room. He’d watched through the double-sided glass, with Rossi’s hand gripped his shoulder tightly.

In the aftermath you’d felt the urge to roam, you’d been confined to a tiny cabin in the woods for days and you needed to feel like you had that freedom. Luke had taken your arm gently in this own, guiding you through the corridors of the BAU until you came to Penelope’s office. When he’d opened the door, the woman in question had known exactly what you needed. She had swallowed you up in the warmest hug and you’d finally felt parts of yourself beginning to thaw. Just being around all the happy, bright coloured items made you feel like you could breathe again. You’d seen the look the two of them exchanged before Penelope had sent Luke off in search of tea and biscuits. She’d flicked on one of the light up toys, the illuminations playing across the workspace before she’d turned on a low soothing playlist. You had no idea what it was but a calmness seemed to wash over you as you collapsed into her chair and exhaled.

Penelope had been incensed when Luke returned with the tea, not a cookie in sight. She scowled as she shook her head, leaving the room and the two of you alone.

"You always say that about a warm bath and chocolate." Luke reminded you, his larger hands coming to rest upon yours as you clasped the cup.

The physical reassurance was a welcome relief. There were so many things that the two of you needed to talk about, but you couldn't force yourself to open the wounds right now. You needed to feel safe and loved and Luke seemed to understand those impulses. He had been by your side constantly since you had escaped from the cabin, covered in Billingham’s blood.

Luke knew that he had to take his time with you. He was in for the long haul, it didn't matter how long it took for you to recover, he would be with you every step of the way. You weren’t sure if you could be fixed. Time was apparently a great healer, but you thought the wound may be too deep to be catheterised.

"You need to take it a day at a time." Luke said quietly as he studied the downtrodden expression upon your features. "It's too big for you to handle otherwise, too hard to deal with and absorb."

"I haven't even begun to process it." You told him, with the shake of your head. "It's like I've just woken up from some horrendous nightmare. I remember every single minute of this crushing silence and that sickness you get in the pit of your stomach when you’re so scared you forget how to breath..."

You trailed off, losing yourself in the memory of that confinement. Your heart was pounding in your chest, you could feel it hammering against your ribcage as you took a shallow breath trying to gain control of your racing mind.

"Look at me."

He ducked his head so that he could meet your averted gaze with his loving eyes.

"You’re safe now." Luke promised you. "He can’t touch you ever again."

It murdered him inside to see you struggling so badly. You’d been trying to hold yourself together ever since he’d put you in the back of the SUV, wrapped up in his FBI windbreaker and Luke could see the strain it was causing you. He didn't know if you believed him when he spoke, being so close to you and yet so far was painful but on some level, he understood the emotional barricade. You had been through such a traumatising ordeal and shutting down was the brain's way of protecting itself.

"I can’t go back to that apartment.” You asked him in a small voice. "I can’t… Not knowing what he did, what he saw…”

“You don’t have to.” He told you, taking your hands in his, his thumb tracing over the grooves of your knuckles. “My place is yours; you know that.”

You nodded, swallowing hard against the well of emotion in your throat, your eyes shining with a thousand unshed tears.

“Whatever you need.” He said quietly, his hand cupping your face and chasing away the moisture that leaked down your cheek. “I’m here.

Love Luke? Don’t miss any of his stories by joining the taglist here.

Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

#missing piece series #luke alvez imagine #reader x luke alvez #luke alvez x you #luke alvez x reader #luke alvez #criminal minds imagine

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theaawalker · 7 months

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READY OR NOT (FNAF IMAGINE)

[Mike Schmidt x fem!reader]

WC: 2,299 Song Inspo: ...Ready For It? by T. Swift You finally had a job! You were desperately finding a job to have work for your parents. Your job was a security guard... Unfortunately, your shift was during the night, which will be tiring, but it was worth a try. After all, as what they say, you won't gain something unless you try it hard.

Your job was at a Pizzeria called Freddy Fazbear's Pizza, where there are 4 animatronics to entertain people, mostly kids. You also heard about the incident called "Bite of '87" where one of the animatronics bit off a child's frontal lobe. But you denied it, believing all it was a hoax.

"You will work here in the office during your work,where there are 2 doors and cameras." The Manager said.

"When does my shift start?" You asked.

"Your shift starts at Midnight. You will also have a partner." The manager said, well at least you will have a partner now,but working very early at morning will be tiresome "Although, he's hard to socialize with. He's kinda cold."

"Don't worry,I can handle him." You said in a calm manner,the manager nodded.

"His name is Mike Schmidt,remember that." You nodded "You can go now."

You stood up and exited the office.

(Time skip - Your First Night)

As you were about the enter the office, you saw a man sitting at the chair, wearing the same uniform as yours, he has brown hair, and somehow to have a cold expression in his face. He looked up at you with cold azure-color eyes.

"So, you are my partner?" He asked.

"Uh, yeah." You said, he just shrugged, not even greeting you with a "hello" or "hi". You frowned.

"You're Mike Schmidt, right?"

"Yes, and you?"

"(Y/N)."

You just stood there beside him,since there was only one chair, and he was sitting on it.

"So,how is the job here?" You asked him, it was time to question what will you experience in this job of yours.

"You wouldn't like it. It's pure hell here." he said, you raised an eyebrow "The animatronics will try to kill you unless you shut those doors before they enter and kill you. They will stuff into a suit, which is the result,your body will be crushed and die."

'Was this guy crazy?' You thought. 'The animatronics will kill you, that is pure insane, and he is probably scaring the hell out of you.'

"How is that possible?" You asked, doubting this guy's sanity.

"Maybe later you will believe." He coldly said as he looked up at the tablet. You started to become nervous, this a children's place, it's not possible for the animtronics to kill you.

"Looks like Bonnie has moved first,again." He said coldly. Fear started to form inside of you "Close the Left Door now!"

But before you close the door,you opened the lights, you screamed in terror as Bonnie staring right at you, then you slammed the button slamming the door shut in front of the animtronics face. Your heart was pounding at your chest like a very loud beating drum, that can be heard by Mike. However, Mike didn't even flinch or unfazed at Bonnie.

"Hey,are you alright?" the brunette asked,you shakily nodded.

"Y-yeah, just a bit, o-off." Your words were completely filled with fear and terror,you never expected to have this job. A job for death.

"Don't worry,you'll get use to it,I have been working here for weeks." he calmly said,you nodded,but you wonder how come he was able to keep his sanity,he doesn't seem to flinch at the sight of the animatronic.

He looked back at the Tablet and tapped at it. "Chica's moved."

Seriously, what is this place made of?!

"Close the right door."

You quickly shut the right door,you checked the lights and saw Chica staring through the window with wide eyes. You screamed in terror again. You checked the lights again and the chicken was gone. You took several breath to calm down, as you place your hand on your chest to calm the beating of your heart. You brush your (h/c) hair as you start to sweat heavily, thanks to the fear eating you up.

This place is made by the devil himself.

"Seriously, don't the managers know about this?" You asked nervously,Mike shrugged

"Possibly, every animatronic here is a spawn of satan." He calmly said

A few hours later you knew the Office has a battery,how cheap was this pizzeria. What makes it more worse is that closing the door spends the battery more. Very cheap if you must say. Also,every time you look at Mike,he sometimes murmur something you can't hear,but you don't mind about it much

After few more minutes and your shift is over

"Check the lights." you checked both lights,and no animtronic. You sighed in relief, looks like you survived.

The bell chimed signalling both of your shift has ended.

"Finally, it's over, I think I can survive the next nights if I try to get used to it."

"Not bad, for a first timer." Mike pestered,you growled.

"You'll see that I'll be an expert here." You retorted.

"Good luck. Hope to see you next shift." Mike said with a smirk waving his hand goodbye leaving the Pizzeria.

You don't know if you want to stay in here for the job or not... But there is one thing that seems to make you stay here.

(Time Skip - Your Third Night)

You opened the door of the accursed pizzeria,you look up at your watch and you only have 6 minutes before your shift starts,it was your third night and you can't even seem to get used to the animatronics. You stared at the 3 animatronics in the stage,they all look intimidating and you didn't like the eerie silence in the Pizzeria. The place would be better to be a horror attraction instead. You walked down the hallway that leads to the office, you stepped into the door of the office,to see the cold brunette sitting in the chair,not even seem to care for you to stand for the entire night.

"Well, are you ready?" Mike retorted.

"Of course I am." You replied with annoyance,the brunette just shrugged as he picked up the tablet

Since you can't sit in the chair, you sat in the table,not even bothering the messy papers,they weren't important anyway. There was also small fan in the table,although small.

"Looks like Bonnie and Chica have moved." Mike said, you learned that the two are mostly the ones that will first move, but you never learned about Freddy.

Mike started tapping the tablet, trying to find the animatronics.

"Crap, Bonnie is at the West hall and Chica at the East hall already." Mike hissed. Since you were aware of the animatronics presence,you checked the left door, only to face Bonnie already staring at you,mouth agape. You didn't scream, however, slammed the button making the door shut right at Bonnie's face, as usual. You checked the right door and saw Chica staring at you mouth hanging opened, and again, you shut the door. Mike was surprised you were able to prevent the animatronics from entering the office without even giving you warning or orders. You checked both doors and the animatronics were both gone, and opened them to prevent the battery from depleting. You didn't screamed but fear is gathering inside you.

"Heh,good job." the brunette said with a smirk,you only gave him a small smile.

Mike tapped the tablet again only for his eyes to wide open.

"SHUT THE LEFT DOOR!" You flinched at his yell but shut the said door right away,then followed by a few banging, you started to shake in fear.

"What is that?" You asked the brunette.

"That's Foxy the Pirate Fox,unlike the others,he will charge into the office without even stopping." He said returning to his stoic self,you sighed in relief,at least you know now that Foxy isn't like the others. But you didn't know there are FOUR animatronics that is out to kill you and Mike.

Then both of you froze when you heard a demonic laughter

"Oh great...It's Freddy." Mike hissed,fear started to overwhelm you "Quick! Shut the right door."

You quickly shut the door. Mike looked up at the tablet,and saw Freddy at the East hall already right next to the door,staring at the camera with completely black eyes with white pupils.

"Damn you, Fazbear."

The Animatronics were now aggressive and now 2 more animatronics that are active to kill you. You looked at the time, gladly it is 4 AM already and the energy is 48% left, but it is enough for the two of you to survive. You seem to know more about the Pizzeria now,but you still don't know why this animatronics wants to kill you other than being seen as endoskeleton.

After the last hours passed the bell chimed and all the lights flickered open.

"Looks like I survived again!" You cheered, then you saw Mike staring at you,not with cold eyes, but you can't seem to read it. "Anything wrong?" You asked, blushing a bit at his strange stare.

He snapped out of his gaze and shook his head "No,I'm fine."

That's strange, but you shrugged it off.

(Time Skip - Several Nights Later)

You have been working several nights already,you are now used of Mike's cold and stoic attitude, he's also used to your screaming, but he said you should lower your screams, or else those things might be more aggressive. He also seems to be less colder towards you and he will sometimes talk to you casually. And you developed a crush on him,you find him handsome, and especially brave. But he will still annoy you sometimes.

But now,you were late. It was already 12:05. You opened the door of the Pizzeria and started running down the hallway, once you reached the office, you started panting heavily as you stood at the doorway, hoping the animatronics did not move yet.

"You're late." Mike said.

"Uh- sorry." You said regaining your normal breath.

As you were about to enter, you felt a pair of large hands placed on your shoulder, you quickly tilted your head to see it was Bonnie. You screamed as he started to drag, Mike was alarmed now with wide eyes.

"(Y/N)!!!" He shouted as he ran to the hallway, seeing you being dragged by Bonnie, he quickly ran towards you. He punched the animatronic's hand, which loosened a bit giving you the opportunity to get free from Bonnie's grasp. Mike grabbed your hand and ran back to office. Once you two reached the office, Mike closed the door.

"(Y/N),are you okay?" he asked with worry

"Y-yeah." You said stuttering. You almost have a heart attack. Your eyes widen when you felt a pair of lips touch yours... it was Mike!

You melted into the kiss and the fear inside of you was completely gone, your nerves were gone now. Mike broke the kiss and stared at your (E/C) eyes with his Azure eyes.

"I have been liking you for a while, (Y/N). You're beautiful eyes, your hair, your face. Especially your personality, I really find it cute." you blushed at his comments at you.

"M-Mike?"

"I love you, (Y/N)." He said kissing you again,with your back now touching the wall. You wrapped your arms around his neck,as he placed his hand in your waist,he deepened the kiss,so as you. He started move his hands in your waist up and down,he licked your lip asking for him to enter,you teasingly refused,until that is,he grabbed one of your breast,you gasped making your mouth open,he didn't hesitate to barge his tongue into your mouth. He started exploring your wet cavern,touching every part of it,making you moan,he deepened the kiss even more,both of your tongues started swirling each other. The two of you started to sweat,you moaned again. Mike parted from the kiss,a string of saliva connecting to your tongues,he started nibbling your neck making you whimper.

"M-Mike." You whimpered.

He stopped nibbling and looked at you,you placed your hands on his cheek and kissed him again. You wanted more of him,he started to slip his hands under your uniform,touching your now sweating body,you also did the same,your hands touching his body,feeling his well-toned body. Your tongue started swirl into his wildly,you both moaned at the kiss. Both of you continued to make out session until you both needed air. You two parted and started panting heavily,both of your faces were so red that will put Grell's hair to shame.

"I Love you, (Y/N)." Mike said between pants.

"I l-love you t-too, Mike." You replied smiling.

Mike kissed you again, but this one was gentle and slow. The two of you quickly parted when you heard a screech, it was Chica. Mike quickly slammed the door shut.

"After this, can we go on a date?" He asked smirking then followed by a wink,causing you to blush.

"Yes!" You squealed as you kiss him again.

Little did you two know, that screech was meant to be a squeal and it translates "I SHIP IT!!" and while you two were making out, the entire gang was watching.

Bonnie said "I'm jealous." while crying

Foxy said "My booty." also crying

Freddy said "hmm...cute."

Chica said "My favorite Ship!"

Golden Freddy said "Very cute~"

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lover-girl-estxx · 10 months

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Picture! Pt 4

Nate Diaz x Reader (38)

Abel is 22

Fluff?

My gif! Not my TikTok

Abel and Nate were making they're boxing debut August 5th, Nate was fighting Jake Paul and Abel was fighting Mark Lee (fake name). "really you guys have to eat that in front of me?" Abel said sighing we laughed "me and mom don't have to cut" our 7 year old Nora said smirking "and I have to gain two more pounds" Nate said "I hate cutting" Abel groaned laying his head on the table, Nate laughed. "are you guys scared?" Nora asked looking down at her food "not scared one bit..don't be worried about it honey" Nate said she nodded then looked to Abel "pshh i'll be fine just a quick jab cross and he'll be done" he said very very lightly pretending to punch her stomach making her laugh.

"I love you princess be back in a bit" Nate said holding a half asleep Nora "love you" she whispered as he laid her in her bed for the week, I smiled from the doorway "ready?" he asked making me nod and smile looking up at him he cupped one side of my face and kissed me. Me, Abel, Nate and Chris all get in the car leaving Nora with her sitter while we went to the weigh in . While all the under card were doing there's I had a interview with a reporter.

| Nate's POV |

"hi everyone i'm here from Dallas Texas with none other then Y/n Diaz! so happy you could talk with me for a minute! how you feeling for the fight with not only your husband but son fighting in two days" the reporter asked her she smiled "i can't wait! i'm a little nervous" "why nervous?" "i'm never not nervous when they fight! I mean I know they're going to win, but even watching them get hit in the face once makes me cringe. And I think that's for anybody who has a love one going into a fight" he nodded "how long has your son been training?" "well when he was younger about four I tried to teach him some stuff but when he was five I met Nate and he's been learning and training harder since then so i'd say his whole career is his dad, Nate" she smiled over to me and Abel. "alright well thank you for talking" the reporter said "yeah of course" she smiled. "it's time for my weigh in!" Abel said "i'm sorry I can't be up there" I told him, I wasn't allowed because of the beef I have with Jake's team "you'll be by the stage right?" he looked over to me. He's as tall as me now, I remember when he'd basically break his neck to look up at me. "yeah!" I said and nodded.

| Y/n's POV |

I kissed Nate and smiled "mom come on" Abel said already on the stairs "coming! Bye!' I pecked his lips one more time running over to Abel. When he got on the stage everyone cheered, he took his shoe's and shirt off handing them to me. He stood on the scale and flexed "Abel Diaz weighing in at 135.6" the announcer said, the crowed cheered "NDA BABY!" he yelled hopping off the scale.

7 Years Ago----------

abels 15

I sat on the couch holding a 3 month old Nora, Abel came into the room and sat next to me "can I ask you something?" he said "of course" I nodded "do you- um you think Nate would let me use his last name for my fight this weekend? an-and I-I like your last name but now your Diaz an-and Nora's Diaz I-" I cut off his nervous rant "stop...I think Nate would love nothing more then for you to use and take his last name. all you have to do is ask him" he nodded "can you be there when I ask?" I smiled and nodded.

Nora was asleep and Me and Nate were sitting outside while Nate smokes, Abel came out "you should be asleep you have to train early" Nate said making Abe nod "I know i'm going to in a bit I just wanted to talk to you about something" you could tell Abel was nervous "yeah come on" Nate pulled a chair out for him, he sat down "my fight this weekend I-uh never mind actually it-its nothing" he went to get up Nate grabbed his arm putting him back in the chair "no don't do that, what's up? you nervous bout the fight?" Nathans voice went softer than normal "I wanted to know if I could use your last name for the fight and maybe down the road take your last name" Abe said fast sighing, Nate eyes light up and smiled "of course!.. You don't even have to ask..I've never said it but your my son no matter what if we're blood or not. I love you and love you the same as your sister...i'm more than happy to give you my last name" Nate said looking at Abel his hand on his shoulder, Abel bit his lip and nodded, I could tell he was about to cry "love you too" Nate smiled again "come here" Nate stood up and hugged him, he kissed his head "now go to bed". Abel hugged me and said goodnight then headed back to his room. "thank you.." I said tears welling in my eyes he pulled me into his lap, he kissed my head.

Back To Present Day -------

Abel stood in front of Mark, "GOT A FAKE DIAZ HERE EVERYBODY!" the guy yelled, I could see Abe's blood boil he pushed the guy before guys held them apart "I'LL SHOW YOU DIAZ TOMORROW MOTHERFUCKER" he yelled before walking off stage me behind him. "put your shirt on your coming with me" Nate told him about to go weigh in "be careful and don't start a fight" I said to Nate he gave me a look making me laugh, he wrapped his arms around my waist I cupped his cheek and kissed him, he pecked them one more time before leaving.

"three!" Abel said "you want three burgers?" Nate looked back at him in the car "yes dad ..and two fries," Nate gave him a look "and a milkshake" he said as a matter of fact "oh my god" he said and laughed. We got food in the drive-thru, then started driving back to the house with Nate holding my hand. When we opened the door Nora ran to Abel crashing into him "no Nora I think i'm going to throw up" We all laughed including Chris and Nora.Nora went to Nate putting her arms up, he picked her up "hey babygirl" then sat on the couch with her "did you make weight?" she asked looking to up at her dad "I did and your brother too" I sat next to them my head on Nate's shoulder "can I go to the fight pleaseee?" she asked "no you can watch it here" Nate shook his head "dad i'm 7" "i know" he nodded "Abel said he went to your fight when he was 6 and a half" she eyes went wide and tilled her head to the side "it was different back then" "pleaseee! i'll sit with mom the whole time and I won't leave my seat! unless I have to go to the bathroom of course," she added with more sassy then a 7 year old should have, We laughed then Nate looked at me and I nodded "pleaseeee! mom tell him" i looked at him, he sighed "fine..you can go" the biggest smile spread on her face "YES!" she jumped out of his lap running down the hall to Abel's room "DAD SAID I CAN GO!" she yelled making me and Nate laugh and me cuddle into him more.

a/n: do y'all like this?

#nate diaz #nate diaz x reader #nate diaz imagines #nate diaz imagine #nick diaz #nick diaz imagine #nick diaz x reader #ufc #Nate Diaz by est

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findingmypeace · 2 months

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i'm fucking shocked that your pcp is not pulling all the alarm levers with that rate of gain (the one you said you had over two weeks). it's basically impossible for that to be solely related to your eating behaviors and if it was, it would be SUPER MEMORABLE. i don't want to scare you but if you can, i would try to find a second opinion because this could be a sign of serious disease or organ failure.

This is what frustrates me. There has been a huge lack of consistency in my medical care. Multiple doctors over the last year. The last change was in January when the np I was seeing moved to the downtown location (far away) so now I'm seeing a new np. And prior to this clinic I never truly feel heard. I get interrupted, judged, and sometimes received no care at all. (I was told the blood pressure machine must have read the wrong number despite me hardly being able to sit up. Sent home. No care given. I could hardly walk, lol) My point is the rapid weight gain has been allowed to go on and on because no provider has been with me long enough to establish a pattern or they just didn't care, even with me screaming about it. It was just a side-effect of re-feeding. Fuck that!

I do feel that, finally, my current medical providers (cardiologist, endocrinologist, np, psychiatrist, and hopefully future gastroenterologist) are truly concerned about how rapid the weight gain is. No one has said they suspect a certain disorder but they have all listened to my complaints and taken them seriously. I was referred to the endocrinologist who is testing my hormones. The test has be done on the second day of your period, for best results, so I had them done yesterday morning. I truly, truly hope I get some answers.

*Sidenote: I will also start seeing a neurologist in a month. I'm afraid I damaged my short term memory by doing ECT for so long. I have WAY too many doctors but they are all needed. I also have referrals for a dermatologist and podiatrist at the suggestion of my np. I guess this is what 42yrs old feels like?

Anyway, the weight gain over the past 2 weeks, I think at least some of that was water weight because I’ve lost half of it in 3 days. But retaining that much water isn't healthy either. (No diuretic use) But this is typically how it goes. I gain a lot, lose some, gain a lot, lose some, over and over with no rhyme or reason for either. The overall trend being upward. This is exactly what happened before residential. Given my behaviors I should have lost weight rapidly. Instead I just maintained with the up and down cycle over the course of 4 pounds.

I'm just really scared and frustrated. And the ed is so loud that I am more concerned about the weight gain rather than the possibility something serious is going on.

*The speed of the weight gain is all in my head* *It's my fault* *The eating disorder is saying I am a lazy failure* *It's not real*

Those voices are SO, SO hard to fight. I have never not believed them. It's real. They are a part of me.

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desultory-suggestions · 11 months

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I'm scared to recover because it kind of feels like who i am now, and I'm really scared of gaining weight because I'm already considered a healthy weight. Since i was about age 4, i was considered "unhealthy" by the bmi chart. And I'm so scared to get back to that. The mean comments get to me so much, and things online about foods being unhealthy and my unrestricted body being bad or unhealthy too. Do you have any advice or tips? I'm also autistic and I don't get hunger cues. Professional eating disorder treatments haven't helped me, and I want to be able to make my own choices (they never seem to understand my autism and say it's the ed when it's not.) , so if i tried recovery, it would be at home with my family.

Hello, my dear. This is actually an extremely common fear and one that I had too. Sometimes, it still crosses my mind. Your eating disorder is the least interesting thing about you. It doesn't define you, and it doesn't make you any better of a person. In fact, all it does is create suffering for a beautiful person who has so much life to share. You are good, and so much energy and life is sapped away from you by this disorder. You will be shocked by how much you can accomplish when you are no longer under the thumb of an eating disorder. Your energy, your happiness, everything is ten times better. Every pound you may gain comes with added health and joy for your life. The people worth keeping in your life, want you to be the healthiest and happiest you can be.

You can be considered a healthy weight, but that doesn't mean you are a healthy weight for you or that you are maintaining it healthily. If you have to starve to be that weight, it is not a healthy weight. We are so afraid of the idea of bodies, weight, and being fat that we tell ourselves it's better to suffer than change, and that is just not true. There is nothing wrong with gaining weight or being fat. When we say every body is a good body, we mean every body. Working on dismantling our engrained fatphobia and obsession with thinness is vital to recovery. I was considered healthy at the pinnacle of my ED, and trust me I was not. Your body has a healthy weight range it can happily and naturally live within, and you deserve to let it live.

Interjection, never ever ever ever ever ever (this goes on for several more days) EVER listen to the goddamn BMI again. I cannot even begin to explain the absolute bogus that BMI charts and scales are. They mean nothing. There are ways to measure health with health professionals, BMI is not one of them even if a professional tells you it is. Research points to many issues with such scales. I am so so sorry anyone ever even told you such a thing. No one should be measuring your worth by your body. Generally, work towards avoiding all such scales. Even if it was accurate, so what? If you have personal health concerns you can address them with a professional, but being fat doesn't equal being unhealthy either. No one gets to measure your worth.

You will likely always see fatphobia and misinformation online, but it can be reduced. Unfollowing anyone who makes you feel lesser or increased ED issues is extremely important. And don't worry! There are so many amazing blogs to replace them with! Check out who I reblog from for some wonderful people who will remind you that you are worthy and loved in every form you take.

I can totally understand why conventional ED recovery specialists don't work for you. While you may be able to find someone who specifically works with autistic people or is autistic as well, you also may need to focus on what you can do for yourself. It is possible to recover without that standard treatment, but I still encourage speaking to a therapist in general. If hunger cues are an issue, you may find scheduling meals to be more helpful. You can play to eat with company to have support or to eat alone but have someone checking on how much you manage to eat. You can make a meal plan with a REGISTERED dietician (avoid plain nutritionists, as they often do not require a formal education) and follow along to get what your body needs. Whenever you do happen to sense hunger, follow it and eat! It can be rare, and maybe it doesn't happen at all. But if it does trust in it. Work on eating foods you are afraid of, small increments are still progress. Stock up on foods you love, and that you want to enjoy without shame.

Extra Tips:

I watch videos while I eat to reduce anxiety and shame. I love watching people who are food positive! Keith Eats the Menu helped me so much in recovery because I could see him and his friends all shamelessly enjoying their meals along with me.

I challenged myself to eat things that scared me once a week. Even if it is just a bite.

I recommend using a big Sharpie and hiding all the nutritional facts on food/drink packaging. You can also ask a friend! It feels like you will never forget those numbers, but trust me you do. It helps to also focus on all the good that is in it. Every food item holds nutrients and vital resources for us, every food item.

Keep affirming yourself, and as much as possible remove those who devalue you. It may not be completely possible, but even so keep adding the people into your life who treat you and your body with respect.

I know you can get through this. You are so much more than your disorder, and I can't wait to see how you grow.

Best,

Evan

#asks #anon #ed recovery #ed #eating disorder #mental health #hunger cues #recovery #anorexia #bulimia

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martialprincessblog · 1 year

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Little story time on how I gained weight.

I left my boyfriend for 4 months and during those 4 months I was living with my bestfriend who've I've known since I was 12 and yayo was our friend. I moved out of her house and moved back with my parents. I started talking to my boyfriend after I kept fighting with my family. I was 132lbs when I went back to my boyfriend and decided to quit and get clean. ( I didn't know how hungry you could get after getting clean.) He told me he would change and do things differently. I fell for it and fell back in love. During that time, he wrote in a book everyday about how much he loved me. He told me he was talking to one of his clients sisters and didn't know how to end things, he said he didnt have feelings for her like he did me. As I was seeing him more he agreed he always saw me having his kids. I stop drinking alcohol and coffee and we were trying. I didnt care about the calories I ate because I was only thinking about the baby I would be carrying. THEN Only for me to go through his phone a few weeks later to find out he came in that girl (clients sister) and she left her house at 4am to get a pregnancy test and crashed her car.. (shes still alive). After that we had a huge fight, he scared my chest with glass and I blocked him on everything and started drinking HEAVILY for 4 months. I gained sooo much weight. Now, im fat and have no child. If I don't lose weight, I think I might.. i dont know. I lost my good friend I was living with, she does yayo daily. Im back with my parents and feel so disgusted with myself. But, the comfort I'm getting from losing pounds is beautiful to me.

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elysia-nsimp · 5 months

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Hi friends and followers and everyone else, not my usual kind of post but I’d really really like to share this because it’s made my day!

Be prepared for a long post about my dog with CHF (I promise pictures at the end)

So, my family has five dogs. We love dogs. One of our dogs, Paige, is a rescue. She’s a chihuahua with congestive heart failure who grew up with a homeless person—they lived in a car for all of Paige’s life, with little food or shelter. When her first owner just couldn’t continue to take care of her, she was passed on to a friend who lived in a hoarding house. When that person couldn’t care for her, she was passed on to a shelter. She lived in a foster home with lots of other dogs (especially one that picked fights and stole food), so Paige grew super anxious over her space and food.

We found her through a festival we went to, where I got to pet a little kitten and my parents flipped through the book of rescues while they waited. At the time, she was considered a hospice dog and was looking for a retirement home where they could live happily at the end of her life. We all agreed in nearly an impulsive decision, that we needed to give her a home.

After a couple days, the people who had her reached out and said our application was accepted and to come meet up with them so we could do paperwork and stuff. My dad and I went in first to go meet her.

Paige was skeletal thin, you could see her entire rib cage through her skin, her fur was coarse and dirty, she had like… so few useable teeth, and she spent our meeting hiding under the table and only coming out when I offered her food. My parents took care of all the official stuff, while I tried to convince Paige we were friends and introduced her to our other dogs. Eventually, we took her home with us, and she sat on my lap the entire way.

Since then, we’ve been taking care of her. She sits on her lofthouse by the window, she actively asks for her meds when her cough gets really bad, she asks for hugs and spends most of her time giving us yucky gross old doggy kisses. She’s gained some actual meat on her bones, and she’s gone from so frail we were scared to pick her up so we didn’t hurt her so spry enough that she has daily zoomies! We’ve seen so much improvement in her condition and we’re all really happy to see her up and moving.

This finally brings me to the point of this post, now that you’ve gotten all the backstory to Paigey. On Friday, my mom took Paige in to the vet for a checkup and hopefully a revaluation on her meds (we keep upping her meds as she gains weight). Today, my mom gave me the full rundown to what the vet said.

1. Paige has gained weight. She was 7.4 pounds when we first got her, now she’s 8.2 pounds. That’s substantial weight gain for her !!

2. Her heart murmur dropped from a level 5 to a lvl 4!!! We don’t know exactly if the highest level (lethal) is lvl 5 or lvl 6, but she’s no longer in deadly range of CHF

3. Her heart has actually shrunk, which is SUPER RARE!!!!! That doesn’t like. ever happen?????!!!!! It used to press against her spine and 4 of her ribs, now it only goes 3 and a half ribs and it’s not pressing as hard against her lungs, and her spine especially .

4. The vet said her lungs look great!!!

5. The vet also said her quality of life seems great, since mom gave a rundown of her behaviors as of lately.

So the big TL;DR to take away from this, our sweet little Paige is NO LONGER a hospice dog! We fully expect that despite her condition, Paige will have a full chihuahua life now. Like, she’s doing so well that her CHF is actively in remission, which, again, SUPER rare from my understanding. It’ll never go away, and she’ll likely have that cough her whole life, but we’re all absolutely ecstatic that we were able to nurse Paige back to a healthy enough condition that we aren’t worried she’ll have a heart attack.

Anyway, here’s pictures of Paige giving my parents snuggles!

Can’t express in words how happy I am, knowing Paige is feeling better.

#dogs of tumblr #eely rambles

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shepardlives · 9 months

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*slams buzzer* Abby for all them!!!!

1. Canon I outright reject

That he does not exist and I cannot kiss him

2. A canon or headcanon hill I will die on

Abby is a big ol cat so expect cat behaviors

3. Obscure headcanon

Abby has to resist the urge to groom people constantly. He just loves his friends

4. Favorite line

“Nya :3c”

5. Best personality trait

Abby is very loyal, even if he can be aloof

6. Worst personality trait

Abby is very quick to cut and run because of his past, so it’s a lot of work to gain his trust and make him stick around

7. Age/height/weight headcanon

Abby is around 37, 7 feet even, and around 300 pounds

8. Unpopular opinion about them

The best love interest for Genji don’t @ me

9. Scene that first made me love (or hate) the

character

He popped into my brain because I was tired of Genji/l*cio

10. Best moment on screen (or in the book)

All :)

11. Faceclaim for the role

God I had a face claim but I can’t FIND IT if I find him I’ll edit this

12. Crack headcanon

Abby has a rough tongue like a cat but only Sometimes

13. Dumbest thing they've ever done

Genji

14. Most heroic moment

Abby has worked with overwatch to save a lot of people but he’s very proud of the times he’s saved kids

15. Worst thing they've ever done

He’s killed a lot of his fellow preds, either in the lab or because they couldn’t be saved… it still weighs on him

16. Deepest darkest secret they won't even admit

He doesn’t know that he wanted to be saved. It might have been better if he’d gone crazy and someone put a bullet in him

17. Quotes. sonas. poems. etc. that | associate

“Not a man like you”

18. What they'd go to see a therapist about

Probably the massive amount of mental and physical abuse they went through while being experimented on or the feelings of non-personhood

19. Vices/bad habits

Abby tends to smoke or scratch at his clothing when he’s nervous so he goes through a lot of clothes

20. Scars

Many

21. Drink of choice (not just alcoholic)

Abby likes iced mochas a lot. Usually this is just him adding chocolate milk to his coffee

22. Best physical feature

His muscles :^)

23. If they were a scented candle, what would

they smell like?

Chocolate, firewood, and tiger lilies

24. Most annoying habit

Abby doesn’t exactly keep normal sleeping hours

25. 3 things they'd want to take with them if they

were dropped off in the middle of nowhere

Abby actually struggles with the idea of keeping anything thanks to his upbringing- he’d keep a weapon but that’s about it

26. What they would do if stuck in an elevator

with insert character of your choice from the

same fandom]

If it were Cole, probably play cards. If it were Genji well. Depends on how long they were stuck

27. Their guilty pleasure

Abby loves reality tv. It’s terrible but he can’t stop watching

28. How they feel about insert character of your

choice from the same fandom]

Abby actually feels a lot of pity for reaper. He knows how that much anger and hurt can eat you alive

29. Eating habits

Abby is a fucking trash can and will eat whatever you give him. He’s very polite and won’t ask for seconds but he could very easily eat three plates of food

30. Sleeping habits

Abby sleeps very lightly and at all hours of the day. If he ever goes missing it’s most likely he’s found a quiet spot to take a cat nap

31. If the had a tumblr what would it look like?

Abby is very interested in robotics and other technological advances. He’d have a big STEM themed blog. Also lots of pictures of fish around lunch and dinner time

32. Something guaranteed to make them smile/

laugh

Abby loves terrible jokes: Reyes always got a laugh out of him when they were on missions

33. Something guaranteed to make them cry

Abby is pretty well regulated there so it takes a lot- but talking about his old family does the trick, always

34. How they react when they are feeling X

emotion (sad, angry, excited, scared, etc.-can

specify as many as you like)

Abby is very cautious- he’s big, he’s black, and he’s clearly not all the way human, so his emotions have to be regulated- but when he’s angry he’s furious. He tends to lose himself in it and the results are usually bloody

35. Their idea of a perfect day

Cat nap in the sun, a good workout/wrestle session with whatever tank is around, a hearty lunch, a walk/date with Genji, a good meal for dinner, and then cuddling until Genji falls asleep (zoomies at 3 am)

36. Their favorite season

Abby loves winter

37. What they really think about themselves

Abby thinks… he is an anomaly in a world that doesn’t always take kindly to those. He didn’t deserve what happened to him, but he wants a place in this world.

38. Favorite holiday

Christmas!

39. Favorite game

Abby isn’t much of a gamer but he usually tunes into Hana’s streams to see what’s up. He’d really like stardew valley if he tried it

40. Favorite book

As intelligent as he is Abby isn’t a huge reader. He liked the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe though

41. If they could have lunch with anyone in the

world (living or dead, from any fictional universe

or the real world), who would it be?

His mom

42. 3 comfort items

Sunbeams, hoodies, and a stress ball Zenyatta gave him

43. 3 favorite foods and 3 they despise

Abby is a trash can as mentioned but he doesn’t like cucumber. Salmon is his favorite fish

44. Their happiest memory

Meeting Genji

45. Their favorite celebrity

Hana Song

46. The person they most admire

Genji, for finding peace and acceptance in what he’s been made into

47. Their dream job

Abby would love to be a kindergarten teacher

48. Scariest moment of their life

See: his whole childhood in the lab

49. Favorite toy as a child

There was a desk in his room he played pretend with

50. A memory they've blocked out

Some of the more violent experiments, especially at first. Growing his tiger features (ears, tail, claws) weren’t exactly painless experiments

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keriarentikai · 1 year

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Okay I guess I'm going to post my thoughts on weight here because it needs to get out and this seems like the safest/lowest-impact place? Like five million TWs for weight, dieting, etc.

I'm so so so uncomfortable with all the weight loss happening right now. I'm absolutely convinced that the worst thing I ever did for my weight was to try to lose it.

I always felt chubby growing up, although in retrospect obviously I wasn't, only in the eyes of my mother who is a size 4 and has pretty disordered eating. My first attempt at actually trying to lose weight for real was at about 19 when I was around 145 lbs (I'm 5'2"). Did online Weight Watchers. Had SlimFast for lunch etc. Never lost more than 15 lb and at the end of undergrad I was around 155/160.

I made two other pretty serious attempts in grad school with WW in person, lost maybe 15 lb both times, ended up at 190 lbs the year I was trying to finish my dissertation.

The only way I could get myself to work was to bribe myself with mochas so I decided that, for that year, I wasn't going to think about weight loss at all. I just ate whatever I wanted. End of the year, still 190. That was in 2012 - since then I've exercised on and off but I've just eaten whatever I wanted (which resulted in far fewer binging episodes and food hoarding) and I'm still consistently hovering around 190.

I think my body probably just wanted to be 145 to 160. I was never going to get below that. I feel like I wasted so much of my time and energy trying to change a fact that couldn't be changed, and all I did was lose that energy, have a bunch of misery over food, and gain 30 lb.

I wonder how much of the health issues associated with fatness are actually that we've all gained and lost at least 15-30 pounds at least four times.

Obviously my experience isn't everyone's experience, and my body is not your body. But I'm just so scared for any of my friends that start to talk about changing their eating, even just to lose that 10 lb. Or the idea that some drug is going to take 15 lb off with no effort. (Folks who have already been on this merry-go-round are exempted, they already know what's up, i'm not judging your choices.) What happens next?

#weight tw #dieting tw #keri forgets what tumblr is for

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butterbottombitch · 1 year

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vent vent vent vent vent

holy shit i have no self control. I was doing so well, i was restricting and learning discipline. If it wasnt for my bf i’d be skinny by now. Which sucks sm more i want to be skinny for him. It’s not fair he has to look and tolerate my disgusting body. I can feel himself repulsed every time he touches me. When we’re together which is usually all the time and high asf we just eat. We cook we eat we play. An eternal bliss if calories weren’t real. We just keep eating and it’s horrid. I’m so hungry all the time now i have the chance to eat and no self control. I’ve gained 4 pounds in the course of two weeks, after i finally reached my gw and was setting a newer one. Right now i’m at a good weight for my height and health wise and i could try to eat to maintain this. Or i could say fuck it and lose enough weight to get my bmi low. I was doing so well, when i told people how much I weighed they looked scared. Same for when my old friends saw my new body. Strange to me because i still see no difference, Im still the same fat fuck i was from months ago eating her feelings and wondering why she’s alone. Fuck numbers. Im dyslexic so not eating is sm better than counting cals and doing math. Not eating was getting me what i wanted. I need to restrict again. I hate throwing up too, my body just clings the food and still makes me fat. I don’t know what the point of this was. anyways

mutuals?? i need a friend i can talk to about this that won’t tell me to stop

actually i am pro but we don’t talk about that

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thecontainerstoreofficial · 2 years

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under cut and by under cut i mean UNDER CUT

i know on some theoretical intellectual level i’m mentally ill but i’m still so surprised when it turns out to be that. mental illness. some disconnect with reality. ive been eating so much more than usual the past few days but since i’m usually always hungry this “more than usual” is mostly just a normal amount of food. and i havent been weighing myself. this morning i was so fucking scared to check my weight bc i’m like convinced its gonna be like a 10 pound gain (which isnt even POSSIBLE in 4 days) and i was legitimately surprised when i was literally the same as the last time i checked. like yeah kaća no shit that the world wont end if you eat like a normal fucking person. i guess its also bad that i view gaining weight as the end if the world. except like it does truly impact how ppl treat me especially men. though i have been mildly in crisis about this for the past like week bc i sort of thought maintaining a certain weight would make charming my grating personality and weird habits that used to be so offensive to men when i weighed more. but it turns out that men are not compromising like that. oh well

#mine

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meowlimia · 2 years

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ED log

tw sh, and the usual

july 2nd, 5:53 am

the past few days have been relatively uneventful, i just havent been eating much so there’s nothing to talk about. did binge a few times though

june 30th,

one ring of pineapple w/o the skin and middle

small cup of chocolate milk

something else maybe? cant remember eating anything else though.

yesterday, july 1st

6 tacos from taco bell, meat, cheese, and sour cream.

and 1 of their MASSIVE cups, with pepsi.

6-8 pineapple chunks

Purged it all, i ate 4 when i first got it, then picked at the other 2 later, which i didnt purge because i just didnt eat much besides the shell. i think i have finally, somehow, icked myself off taco bell. thank you god.

later, like around 2 am today

i had 1 medium and 1 small fry from mcdonalds

a pineapple soda

a coke

and 2 slices of costco pizza.

all purged.

Cant date this binge but it happened between this log and the last.

1 container of battered fries from a mexican place

and i THINK 2 grilled cheeses? with low moisture mozzarella and a bit of cheddar.

either way, all purged.

ive worked out twice this week, which was nice, but i cant see myself keeping it up unless im really desperate to appease my ed.

trying to get better with tracking my food but its hard, again, i have a really shitty memory and i dont really have the foresight to log my binges or meals when they happen. Nor do i really calorie count besides in my head, and even then its a rough estimate.

Cut for the first time today, ive always been really scared of pain so im shocked i went through with it. Im having a really hard time with some school related stuff right now and i just couldnt handle the stress. they’re not deep cuts or anything, really light actually, but i cut basically in the same place a ton of times so its really irritated.

ive never really used self harm to deal with my stress so im shocked at how much i didnt mind it. probably not something super addictive, but i can see myself doing it again once these marks fade. it helps to look at them and know that nothing really matters, i can torture myself all i want and it’ll be worse than what im stressing about. kinda. im still worried, but its definitely better.

Ive been gaining and losing the same 5 pounds, probably because im not purging everything i eat like i should be, i almost never purge snacks or drinks on their own. its hard sometimes, my depression have really intensified over the past few weeks and getting up to do anything let alone purge is difficult. i have to remind myself constantly that i dont wanna live in this fucking fat ass body forever.

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lauras-hot-iron · 7 days

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Freshman 60

Midway through my freshman year my fraternity already force fed me so much you couldn't recognize me from older photos. In just 5 months I managed to gain a staggering 60 pounds, and with it it led me to realize the problems fat people deal with. My clothes barely fit me, all of them either show off my underbelly while it rides up this gut I have, I usually have a bit of a struggle going to places now, and I look like I got a mini double chin too. Not to mention how more often I eat, somehow my snack breaks add up almost to a fourth meal. I'm scared to go to the doctor and hear their reactions.

Although, I have been finding some more... enjoyment you can say while being more lethargic and living my "new life". Rather than doing physical activities I began to do more studies online and began researching in code. Afterall, Even if some of these pounds I got could luckily be muscle, I doubt any coach would want to see me jiggle while running across the field. While I am coding I thought maybe this could help me with a slight diet, maybe by not working too much and distracting myself with other jobs I could avoid being hungry so often and gorging on anything i get from the fridge, especially since my family would enjoy seeing me decide on the next meal to eat every hour. But nevertheless, my frat bros always find a way to help their growing freshy .

Each lecture somehow one of them checks up while either giving me more treats to help me "focus", or refills it to help me have more fuel in this bloated tank. Christ, this seriously is not going to end.

However while reading one of these lectures my belly began acting up more often than usual. Despite it always churning from my breakfast, unfortunately I got too used to the 4 pancakes, eggs, bacon, and "power shake" diet, it began to rumble more than usual. Jesus, I haven't even reached 300 and now I can't even have my mic active unless I want to give free asmr of my bloated gut to others.

Fortunately my belly wanted to be nice and quiet. Unfortunately it was after it made me rip a massive wet belch, ough god... I seriously need to control it now if it's just not even going to give me warning. I don't even know what caused it. It might have been from the eggs. Maybe my bros put too much yeast in the pancakes. Fuck... did they add extra butter to the shake? It was good... but that's definitely it for the week, I prolly had my daily amount of fat from that shake alone. Regardless, despite that embarrassing noise this gut decided to make midway through me thinking I was either needing another snack or I became too much of a fat ass to even sit on this tiny chair without any disturbances from my own gluttony, I finally noticed something I had to develop.

I always disliked looking at all this ball of lard. Standing I can feel it rising and sinking with every breath. Slowing me down while moving. Resting on my thighs and squeezing against my own desk, hell I can't even sleep normally without dealing with indigestion, and sleeping on my back always makes me feel like I'm a beached whale. I would always look the other way, putting on clothes, looking in the mirror, being felt anytime someone(or hell, something) bumps into it. All so I can ignore how much this family made me let myself go. So when I bent a bit back after how heavy that belch was. I saw something under my shirt.

My fur has a bit of skin revealing. Which at first I thought was normal but then I realized it was awfully pink compared to my usual brown fur. If becoming obese wasn't enough, did I get sick? I immediately lifted my shirt, regardless of what else was there too.

Stretch marks. Oh yeah, I guess if you do gain quickly you get those as well. 5 of them on both sides, each different lengths. One goes almost to my tits.

At first I usually thought us animals couldn't get it, along with how I never saw an overweight person bare them too. I only heard about it from friends or seen it online, but I always thought they were simply photoshopped. I can't believe I was someone who developed them. I can't even imagine it. The more I started the more I couldn't look away in disbelief. Before I could realize, I wanted to know how they felt.

As I was lifting my shirt with one hand, I was feeling myself with the other. Slowly from side to side. And every time I would get close to my belly button, I would feel a weird sensation, something slightly intriguing. However I was too distracted from all these scars I had on my. Were these bad? Would they heal? Do I have more elsewhere? As much as I wanted these questions answered my bloated lard, a part of me chimed in...with enjoyment? As I was rumping my upper belly, I would feel slightly gurgling inside. Shit I'm seriously enjoying this. I became overweight, ripped a fat belch, and it turned me on so much I began feeling myself and ignoring lectures because of this. But, it's alright, I was feeling enjoyment no one else ever gave to me before. Being so bloated and heavy from all that food, now with all this rubbing really turned me on a little bit. I was even panting a bit from my mind racing with indecisiveness on what to do from now.

God... you seriously like that gut? All that food I managed to swallow down. All those extra calories from the pancakes, all the butter from- huff- that shake. You managed to fit all of that. Not even dad could eat a meal like that. You're gonna get fat y'know? We're gonna get fat. Not like I'm already not. 232... I'm already obese from those stats... fuck... you think you could share all that weight? I'm sure all my other parts would looooveee this softness. Some nice thunder thighs to play with. A fat ass to ride something on... maybe even some cute tits to- hnng -play with.

It was long before my ball of lard began to agree with me. Returning an even hotter belch compared to the last one. I think that was what did it as I had for the first time cummed only from all this pleasure. It was also the only way I was able to remember what I was doing and I tried my best to focus on the remainder of the online lecture. But from there it seemed my belly was going to be nice for now, but I bet it's going to be a bit more noisy after more food. I did tell it how I was going to spoil it as much as we wanted after all. Hopefully though I am able to not turn this freshman 60 into freshman 100 before the end of this semester...

#firstfuntimestoryImadeandanexcusetousethisaccount #weight gain #self-humliation #fratboy #bloated #fat #fat belly

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findingmypeace · 2 months

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Edit: This post went in a different direction than I anticipated. Please read under the cut ONLY if internalized (meaning only about myself) fat phobia is not a trigger for you.

And I did it. I dissociated while b/ping. I was doing so well with no dissociation earlier. Ugh, so, so frustrating. I will probably spend the next hour cleaning up and getting ready for bed. I hate this part. It's like waking up and suddenly becoming aware of the world around you along with the whirlwind of b/ping.

Also, I'm going to work tomorrow. In-person. That part is not a problem. I do that at least 4 days a week, every week. The problem is I accidentally gave myself a black eye in the most millennial/Gen Z way possible. Laying on my back in bed this morning. I had just sort of woken up and was in and out of sleep. I was holding my cell phone right above my head. Started to fall asleep. Dropped it on my eye. Yep, I got a black eye from my cell phone! Learn from my idiocy, lol.

Finally, I have an appointment with an endocrinologist tomorrow morning. I am very excited. Yes, I am seeing it as this magic want that will make all the weight I've gained come off. I have been diagnosed with hypothyroidism but given some of my other symptoms I feel like something else is going on. My nightmare is that right now it takes me a month to lose X pounds and FOUR days to gain X + 2 pounds with NO change in behaviors. And it goes round and round in a circle for months on end. And this is how I a)ended up at this weight and b)led to such extreme behaviors before res. Behaviorally, if my body wasn't broken, I would have been at very different weight. Because despite those extreme behaviors this is what was happening over and over and over again.

TW: internalized fat phobia and not external

So, endocrinologist, please cure me. Please let me lose weight again. I can't live my life in this body. Why, why, why can't my body lose weight anymore? Like at all. No matter what my behaviors are. I am desperate. I am scared that I'm just going to keep gaining regardless of what I eat or my level of physical activity. Will it ever stop?

After doing my therapy homework I realized that having a thin body is my only sense of self-worth. But I'm gaining weight so fast that "the numbers don't add up" and I must be lying about actually having BED rather than Atypical AN b/p. That hurt. A lot. I'm not saying having BED is lower in the ed hierarchy, ugh! It's that I wasn't believed. And it was all because of my fat body. I'm not exaggerating. I have no doubt that someone in a smaller body would not be told they are denying binge eating behaviors. Who would ever believe that I was once underweight and for a long time? And I can't do anything about where I'm at now. Nothing. I feel trapped and completely out of control. I just want some relief. This is weird to say but I really want something to be wrong so that maybe, just maybe, there is some kind of thing that will once again allow me to control my weight.

I'm really sorry if anyone feels judged by this post. I put it under a cut because this is about my body and no one else. I don't want anyone to feel bad about themselves. I don't see others this way which has always confused me because why can't I say the same for myself? I just hate my body and even more so because nothing I do works to change it and I have repeatedly been on the receiving end of medical fat phobia. It's not my fault! I can't doing anything about it! Someone please listen to me instead of brushing me off with that disgusting, judgemental, fat phobic bullshit! "You look obese. Let's get you a free sample of wegovy." Fuck you! "We just want to help you reach your goals." Sure, that would be great. My goal is X pounds. I might die in the process of getting your help but it's fine. At least I'll be thin." Fuck you times 500. For new followers, yes this did happen. Just before I was almost sent to inpatient but my insurance wouldn't cover it (I'm fat) so I went to residential instead. I hate myself for spewing all this bullshit. It's all a product of my eating disorder and I know it's bullshit. But so is how I've been treated and I can't do anything to change it. I want to so bad but even if I eliminate food and water and survive on air I will still gain weight. Just like I did before treatment.

I'm sorry. I might delete this. It's too much emotion. These are deep, deep inner thoughts that I've been burying for so long and it's finally bubbling over. And I don't want to hurt anyone.

#personal #eating disorders #tw: internal fat phobia

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