#the thing is i barely think abt that when i think abt myself at that age

[chrollohearttags]

my whole YouTube feed is filled with videos about the Stanley cup/Sephora kid thing and maybe bc I haven’t used tiktok in months but I’m so lost as to why everybody, including the kids themselves is being blamed for this problem lmao.

#there’s only one enemy and that’s capitalism/consumerism #not to mention the parents who think being an ‘ipad kid’ is cute and quirky bc they don’t want to raise their kids beyond the baby stage #like why are you mad at an influencer who’s job it is to sell a product for not monitoring if ur children are watching #that beauty influencer is not selling to them or for them #they’re a business + brand marketing to other ppl their age #people who can actually afford the products #not somebody who barely has lunch money less known 3 bands to drop on drunk elephant #like I have so many young cousins/kids in my neighborhood who are being brought up this way + it’s the internet’s fault always #not the fact that their parents don’t do anything #and what gets me is that somebody like me who’s made content online like cosplay/anime or even writing fanfic #has to worry about censoring myself for some brat I’m not even thinking abt #and it hurts creatives who are just looking for an escape #when I’m reality the only problem is that these parents are lazy and expect some random youtuber to teach their kids the things they refuse #it takes a village yes but at the end of the day that responsibility lies on the person who birthed them #I’m sorry #cherry chats 🍒

[shadowedvales]

when jane's powers return in season four (and because they were regained by her confronting and accepting her past, rather than being retraumatised with it!) they're stronger than they ever were. when she starts getting a handle back on them, she very quickly comes to realise not only have they affected her, but her mother, too. one of the biggest losses that came about with her losing them was the fact that she could no longer visit terry in the void; while there was no real communication there, it did allow jane to sit with her, and gain a little more connection than she could in the real world. when she first visits the void after their return, it takes her three hours to find terry, something that is both unexpected and incredibly worrying. but when she does, it's something of a miracle. jane's increased strength and control over the void actually wakes terry up from her catatonic state, but only in the void. there's no way to help her mother physically, but she does do so (unbeknownst to her) mentally. terry is reborn in jane's newfound control over the vale of shadows; she becomes the woman she once was, and while her body remains frozen in a "good dream", her mind connected to jane's own allows her some freedom. jane is able to speak to her mother in the void, is able to be held by her, and while it's still unfair and jane cannot stay in there forever, it's something. this only lasts for about eight months, as each visit slowly begins deteriorating terry's physical and mental state, and jane's health begins declining after spending hours upon hours in the void each and every day.

when jane finds out these visits are actually killing her mother on the outside, she deems to stop, but terry expresses the importance of them being able to speak, that she'd prefer to die on the outside, if it meant she could have just a few months with her daughter like this. terry and jane's connection was always so strong, which ultimately led to terry "waking up" in the void, but even jane's newfound strength cannot save her from the harsh realities. each visit nearing the end of those eight months, terry fades more and more, becomes weaker in the void, and her real body eventually gives up. jane's in the void when her mother eventually passes on, and physically feels their connection weaken, like some part of her suddenly becomes lost in the shadows, a part she'll never find again. jane falls into a depressive state for weeks after her mother's death, given she's technically lost her a second time, but soon comes to realise she was lucky to have even shared those eight months together. it was better than nothing at all. there is a proper burial and funeral, (and when jane dies, she's buried next to her mother) which allows jane some sense of closure. she never fully recovers from losing terry, nor from the fact that she never had a proper relationship with her, but she does eventually find some peace with it all.

#study‚ in my dreams it's all real and my heart has so much to reveal. #IF U SAW ME POSTING THIS YESTERDAY. no u didn't. #i wanted to change things again (who is surprised!!) and decided to just rewrite it all rip. #me taking a few weeks off from this blog and then coming back with a brand new terry / jane hc? more likely than u think. #purely self indulgent too i might add! #every day i battle with making my terry portrayal canon to jane's timeline so jane can have her mother in every verse not just #selected ones. #but. her not having her mother is ultimately important to my writing of her and sfjasfjas >:( hate myself for it. #so here be a brand new addition to my timeline that gives jane SOME time with her mother!!! bc i need it for my mental health. #i imagine when terry dies her body turns to smoke in the void. almost like what happened to billy when jane was spying on him. #and he stopped her connection and faded in front of her. #and jane also visited terry a lot in the void because it allowed her to see more memories of her mother. #i hc that she had a real grasp on that before s3 when she looks into billy's memories. #terry (even in her catatonic state) WANTED jane to see what happened to her in hawkins lab. #so she'd want her to see the good stuff too. her childhood. andrew. her grandmother that raised her and becky. #all the good memories! #so when terry dies jane loses all that completely. #which leads to jane grappling with the conflict of whether or not she should have kept visiting terry in the void which eventually led to #her death. #because if she hadn't connected to her. she'd at least be able to look back on all those memories. #jane becomes obsessed within those months and barely speaks to anyone else. #in any free time she has. she's in the void with terry. #her own physical body grows very weak after a little while but she pays no attention to it and even gets into heated arguments with becky. #because becky is jane's carer and needs her safe and healthy. needs to look after her. #but jane is so adamant about the fact that this is her MOTHER and she's finally able to speak to her. #UGH i have so much to say abt this actually i sense a brand new addition to my timeline coming on. #ANYWAY. i'm emotional about them that is all.

[bunnihearted]

🏥🦷

#damn my teeth on my left side reallyyyyy fkn hurt #last night it started hurting so bad i couldnt fall asleep #i took some regular over the counter pain pills nd they brought down the pain a bit #so it at least didnt hurt as bad as it did first #but now after sleeping a few hours it still hurts :// #idk what to do... bc i've googled but it is like impossible for me to know what this is. could be anything rlly #nd w physical health stuff im not as terrified bc i can just go to the ER. when i was there it only cost $15 lol #but dental care is so fkn expensive i dont even have that in my account #anyway. i could get an 'urgent appointment' which i get financial aid for... probably. thats the thing. it's not 100% certain #idk what i should do bc like i could wait it out nd see if it'll pass nd then wait on my appt the 6th may #or maybe i should call my dentists nd ask them what they think nd if they can give me an urgent appt.. #i hate calling tho. i know that sounds ridiculous esp when im dealing w pain but my avpd makes it so so hard for me. i'd almost rather not #if i was smart nd normal thats what i would do. just call them nd see what they decide for me. maybe i'll wait nd see nd call tmrw.... #nd idk abt the pain. like it rlly hurts but it isnt extreme i think.. but when i press one tooth it hurts a lot nd makes me worried it's #dying 💀 nd like u can actually die from teeth pain nd complications... nd infections nd stuff. it's scary af 😭 #idk if my tooth is dying nd i need to contact a dentist rn or if its smth that can wait for a bit #i mean if i had a job nd a salary i'd book an appt for tmrw nd get it checked but i have to discuss w myself bc i cant afford lol #ugh this is the reason im terrified of dental problems. the pain is awful nd theres nothing u can do if you're poor #my head keeps spinning idk what i should do abt this 😭 i csnt make up my mind. just want it to go away on its own but i know it wont #nd it hurts so that i can barely sleep or eat or concentrate. so i rlly dont know..... #oh if only things were easy

[zoekrystall]

Hate how I didn't even think until now abt how zelda was alone as a dragon for so many years until the present. I wonder way too much abt how everything was for her and esp now as a dragon like mineru did say you lose yourself completely iirc but reg the tears shed do I believe it's not fully true. Maybe depends how strong your spirit is. Like yeah she can't really communicate well anymore but she recognizes us and her eyes. Her eyes I still can't get over them they're so full of emotion that's absolutely her eyes. Like. You're still inside that dragon when you become one if you try your best to remember is what I think (or want to believe). It's 5am I am not going to try to explain my already barely coherent thoughts better. Too much possibilities where I think some border on denial. I am a fluff not angst person. Anyways I wonder how long all those years felt what do you do as a dragon did the sages try talking to her dragon form or like anything-

#totk spoilers #rent free in my brain huh #I almost play 24h without pause hylia help me #(well minus for like. necessities like food) #still need to beat the story #I cannot believe I seriously considered her going through time or smth smth time power shenanigans #I completely forgot the sword needs a lot of time to get power. rip me. #I am not a fan of angst I like fluff stuff why is my brain just absolutely occupied with dragon zelda #mmmmaybe bc I suprisingly quick accepted it already. at least I can paraglide next to her and all #also maybe I forgot a lot that I read and know abt the timeline bc I think I wreck my head too much abt that too #I got the hyrule historia but like. how does botw tie in again. I think abt it too much it's just for fun damm it #I say since hours only this then bed and now it's 5am #I am awake since 7 and play since what 8? 9? #Absolutely insane how loz got me in a chokehold again but I lately don't even touch pokemas for daily missions #Obv in the back of my mind 24/7 but I feel so odd when pkmn in literally any regard isn't the thing that gets constantly #shaken around in my head with little focus for anything else #In other news I would die for penn and tauro is also neat wanna snatch his hairstyle #also zonai are one of the prettiest races ever. would love to be one or some of the zora ones #anyways all I got is 'I wonder if' #I like. barely talk abt such things it's such a new refreshing thing and I'm sorry I talk mostly for myself #(such things being speculations hc whatever I mostly just kept to myself bc my ex bff just did not care. yay.) #(so fuck if I know much abt fleshing out n all) #a wild lux appears

[waywardsalt]

its weird how botw/totk and. pretty much all of the other loz games seems to have entirely separate fandoms at times

#like. how they dont typically intersect if that makes sense? like botw/totk people seem to only talk abt botw/totk #like when ppl talk abt loz ships it doesnt seem uncommon for only botw/totk ships to be mentioned #so botw/totk stuff and other loz stuff seems slightly isolated from each other its kinda interesting #its a little frustrating? bc the botw/totk bits seem to be most popular rn and. i really dont give a shit abt it #granted i holed myself up in my little ph niche corner so nothing i like is going to be popular #but its just weird. i migjt delete this later. idk if this divide is a good thing or a bad thing #but it does feel emblematic(?) of how vastly different botw/totk are to the rest of the series #cuz its like!! i get theres likely an age divide ajd botw/totk are v accessible and new and stuff #and fine if you dont want to branch out from there #but its a little weird how most loz stuff is just Two(ish) games nowadays that barely even resemble everything else #like!!? the most popular link is fucking Blue while hes not even remotely the majority in that its so strange. i prefer green link #idk hiw to explain this??? i think i just have a personal frustration w/ it in how botw/totk are so seperate but eclipse everything else

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#yet again i fail to convince my counselor i have executive function problems. mostly its bc i dont think well in the moment but also i just #feel kinda weird rn so i was having trouble making my thoughts connect. but i swear to christ i do have problems making my executives #function. i think the issue is im a grad student so i do well in school. not that it matters bc i kno loads of grad students with pretty #god awful adhd. one of my former lab mates was like. Adderall barely made her normal. and yet she was still a phd student #so like. its possible to have executive function issues as a grad student. the problem with me is the obsessive thoughts and self #destructive behavior so to her it sounds like im telling myself that i cant get my brain to work unless i put myself under extreme pressure #rather than i cant get my brain to work so to cope im putting myself under extreme pressure bc if i dont nothing gets done #but like fucking if i try to relax i dont do things. i cant clean my kitchen or my room or take out the trash or do my laundry #and im not like not doing it bc i dont wanna. these things r causing me active distress but i cant flip the switch that makes them happen #ive gotta write a grant proposal. read a paper. and find a paper to discuss by tomorrow morning. i had time to do all of this before but i #didnt do it. y didnt i do it? fucking i dont kno. ugh. whatever. i got refered to a psychiatrist so well see what happens there #i did accidentally set the meeting to when i meet with my advisor tho. oops. also my counselor said it sounds like im a rat running on a #wheel. which is accurate but also a really fucking funny thing to have said abt u. ur r a scrawny neglected lil rat. boohoo. #idk what type of medication she thinks i should b on. like what symptom r we trying to exhaust? the 0cd or the mood issues? #i dont even kno what the issue is. not that i guess it matters. idk. i need to read and write. fucking hell #unrelated

[daz4i]

i know aging isn't the end of the world and 24 isn't that old and life isn't a race etc etc etc. however,

#i think a big reason i feel so bad abt being this age is ppl told me this is when things start to get better #and i still feel the same way i did as a teenager so. well. is it really 😐 #(being on t probably isn't helping but it's been over 3 years already so... not an excuse i think) #but I'm also physically aging like the reason i barely upload selfies anymore is i see myself getting uglier every day #despite fighting for my life to at least take care of my face and hair...... can't fight the passage of time 😔 #+ ofc. my (younger) friends being way more sorted out than i am on every level #again ik life isn't a race but. it can't help but hurt to know I'm still behind literally everyone i know #and my excuses for that aren't even good. bc other disabled ppl my age are also more sorted out than i am #other depressed ppl other borderlines other autistics etc etc. hell these are also my irl friends 😭 #and it's dumb. bc feeling like i wasted my life isn't really pushing me to change that now. just makes me want to die even more #(bc i mean what's the point. i will never catch up. I'm still at the starting line AND i move so slow it doesn't even count) #(i don't have a single milestone ppl my age have not even finishing high school which is like. the bare minimum) #(and it sucks bc i also know i have potential i KNOW i can do shit in theory i know I'm smart and got skills. but i can't put it to use) #(and now this is turning into less of a thing abt age and just generally me talking abt how i wasted the last 24 years) #this was more of a stressed rant abt how I'm turning ugly and feeling super old but well. it all boils down to self loathing at the end 👍 #vent #negative // #ask to tag #sorry for being so depressing all day oof ik i already said it before but it's been a rough couple of months #(nothing happened my brain just needs to get flushed down the toilet ^_^) #edit: i think. part of my panic about aging. is bc as a kid i was used to being the youngest everywhere #i was the youngest in my class bc i started school a year early. i was the youngest in acting school bc they don't normally accept teenagers #and in addition to that as an adult but before starting t i was always told that i LOOK young too #but now ik i look like I'm in my 20s. and it's killing me that i aged this much in so little #i wonder if shaving my beard will help but i don't wanna get misgendered 😐😐😐 and rn it's the only thing guarding me from that

[oyasleepy]

mm . mmmm. social media

#oyaspeaky #ahve been doing some thinking abt the state of things & my own stances. on what i wanna do #twitter has become such a shitshow that i barely look at it. bc it's a nightmare! and it's always been shit for my mental health anyway! #but also almost all of the ppl close 2 me use it as their main thing and it kinda feels lonely & bad to miss 99.9% of the things they post . #i just want to ahve fun and play toys with people but i know if i get active on twitter again ill have a breakdown within a week #bc im bad at limiting myself when i do certain things..... #tumblr & deviantart have always kinda been the sites tht feel most like Home to me #but pretty much everyone i care abt ditched dA due to eclipse! & so did i! the site's kind of a trashfire now! #this is mostly rambling at this point i am just. sorting my thoughts <3 #the bottom line is i kinda feel a lil isolated from things and i worry that translates to others' perspectives as me not caring #i do care !! i just mostly live here bc otherwise id die #this post has no point but. ive been tryin to Blog a bit more. so heres a Blogging

[your-fave-is-bi]

I need to get better at art so i can be more obnoxious abt my oc/canon ships but to do that I actually have to make the art

#personal tag #when I eventually get a job again i think I’ll buy myself an apple pencil #i got my sister’s old ipad bc it has a crack in the screen but its barely noticeable and i doubt I’d do more than just sketches anyway #but i think i would enjoy drawing on a ipad #i think the versatility of digital drawing is just so big. I sometimes feel very stagnant bc i mainly draw traditionally #and i dont need my art to be Professional; im doing this purely for me n my enjoyment #but i do like when things look nice. n i have such ambitious plans and. traditional art doesnt cut it for those #at least not how i do stuff idk #im rambling now i just thought abt dahriel n astarion n how i wanna draw little interactions but aaaaaa #ive never actually doodled in a sketchbook while sitting on the couch i just realized. maybe I’d like it idek

[viderose]

he’s annoying, i don’t like him (he hasn’t given me as much attention lately)

#im fighting for my life out here #i feel so childish and annoying. like rationally ik i can’t have his undivided attention. but that doesn’t mean i don’t want it sometimes🥺 #i think what actually is happening is that im worrying he’s about to ghost #i feel bad thinking that though. bc he seems like a very honest and mature person? with how he talks abt things i don’t think he would rly #ghost me after talking for this amount of time. but ya never can tell…. every time we don’t talk as much for a few days i get very nervous #and it’s weirdly quite difficult to push that worry out of my head. and then i get annoyed with myself for worrying about it to begin with #like i can’t control what he does so why worry about his hypothetical actions? i’ll deal w the consequences of them if or when they occur. #if we stop talking i’ll feel sad and i’ll miss him for a bit and then i’ll get over it. that’s all. it’s not that bad. #but anyway my point is we good #sometimes idk if id truly feel That sad. i think it depends how it ends. #or maybe i just don’t think anyone can hurt my feelings as much as the first person to hurt my feelings in a specific way #like you experience a loss or betrayal or grief - whatever - the first time and it’s all encompassing. it feels like it could genuinely kill #you it hurts so bad. and every subsequent loss or betrayal or grief you experience just isn’t the same? you barely flinch #maybe it’s because you learn to process those emotions better or maybe it’s keeping things at arm’s length as a protective measure #that means nothing hurts as much as the first thing #idk #this became a silly ramble #im just very attached to him and i miss him when he’s busy but also don’t want to ask too much for fear of being a nuisance or rejected :) #ykwim? #i miss him a lot

[bunnihearted]

.

#1st ​my sister was passive aggressive bc i was boiling pasta when she wanted to make her dinner #so she slammed stuff nd chopped veggies aggressively #nd i felt my heart rate spike nd my body go tense nd i always get clumsy nd drop things nd hurt myself when i get that way #but they think i deserve feeling awful bc of mistakes in the past so i cant ask them to stop #i've been walking around w lots of heavy things nd im barely keeping it together #nd i got so mad bc she wouldnt stop so i started slamming the cabinets nd then left when i was done #then my mom nd other sister got home nd i just wanted to ask my mom smth #when i open my door my other sister goes 'omfg already?' #'immediately when we get home i never get a break. it's almost disgusting' #i just got so.. i realized how pathetic nd childish i am so i just went into my room #but then apparently my sister said to mom that *i* was the only one being passive aggressive #so she comes in to talk when i was having my dinner so i said that i plz just wnna eat my dinner #she didnt know nd she's never cared but i wanted to hurt myself so badly i was struggling not to #but then she started screaming at me for being childish nd passive aggressive nd that i never do anything #she left my room. she still talks to my sisters so i know it's onlg me shes sick of #idk.. today is bad bc i cant talk to her nd i dont have ANYONE else to talk to im all alone #and now i barely even wanna go outside my room bc apparently my family thinks i wnna mess w them just for going to the bathroom lmao #i hate myself so much. im so pathetic. im 25yrs old living at home being a burden #nd im just a pathetic nd childish person. i 'need' to talk nd vent nd rant nd #like if i buy some things i have these need to like do a mini haul or if i get books from the library #i wnna show my mom what books i got #it's so childish. i do feel bad for my mom to have to deal w me nd my annoying personality #why cant i jusy be normal. no wonder why i can never keep friends or my family doesnt wnna talk to me. everything abt me fkn sucks #anyway im just feeling so bad and so alone bc my moms mad at me so now i have no one to talk to

[nickyhemmick]

really curious to know what makes some men actually want to be fathers

#like it’s so strange to me that guys in their 20s will tell me they want a wife and a family #when they can barely respond to a text message more than once a day #like what is it abt being a father that excites u? do u actually want to raise little humans? or is it just a societal thing u have #romanticized and think u shld do? #ITS SO WEIRD #like I’m 21 I DO NOT think abt marriage or having kids #bc having kids means giving up both my bodily and societal autonomy #and being married potentially means my financial autonomy as well #why wld i choose that? #to give u (men) this future - I am giving up more than u ever will #so that is no longer a fantasy I have or want (not saying I never will but I am not delusional abt it either) #so it really fascinates me when early 20 year olds I meet say they want children and have thought abt it #and abt how many they want #and then they’re shocked when I say I don’t think abt kids or marriage #LIKE SIR?? I CAN BARELY FEED MYSELF??? #also u are NOT emotionally intelligent enough to have a child anytime soon #(me to these guys lol. ok maybe one has like 4 years and he wld be emotionally ready ngl) #but the rest? whew. thank god I dodged that bullet 🙏🏼 #tala.txt #been thinking a lot abt this lately…..

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#hmm its been an interesting week i suppose #very busy in a good way. but that is always how it starts. i make myself so busy and it feels good and then i wobble and fall out of my body #so im feeling wary. also bc ive been under sleeping more than ususal but im not really tired but im also not boiling out of my skin with #energy. i just feel ok. so thats good. but also a demon in the back of my head is always like: then stay up all night. lets see how far we #can push this. which is not good. and in fact ive been proscribed like basically emergency mood stablizers to knock me out if i start like #losing my mind and not sleeping lol. bc i dont wanna b getting ready for something big and like completely unavailable to control my #ability to think. and ive also been proscribed birth control to get a handke on my fucked up hormones. so we'll see if that makes things #less all over the place. hopefully it works bc im so busy i kinda dont have time to like freak thr fuck out #but i am a lil apprehensive bc like i can count on my hormones to make me feel things when a lot of the time i dont have much emotional #range. so its like fuck finally i can cry abt this. or like fuck this is so beautiful. but then i also cant function sometimes #so i guess i just gotta see what happens. sigh. also the typical frustrating in having to read so much. like ppl hear im dyslexic and r like #oh do u want accommodation? like literally wtf r u gonna do to help me as a grad student? it just takes an agonizing amount of time to #understand thing. i have my computer read to me and i suffer. theres literally nothing else to b done abt it. and fucking next week i have #to teach a fucking lab abt reading scientific papers. they have to read a paper in class. fuck off. those r the types of exercises that make #me feel so fucking stupid. like do this thing right now. read it right here and answer questions abt it. and i fucking read it and retain #fucking nothing. im fucking 26 and literally in my grant writing class i have to apologize to every person before i give them feedback like #lol sorry i can barely fucking read. i fucking cant understand language. its fine but it sucks. theres nothing to do abt it. it just makes #me mad i have to teach a class that would have made me cry as an undergrad. so ill prob hold their hands thru it more than the other TAs #will. bc fuck u im not making them read a whole fucking paper in class. fuck u #plus the frustration of not being able to express myself well in thr moments. like theres a delay in my brain so i feel so dumb when im #trying to convey myself off the top of my head. like give me time and ill write it all out for u i just cant actually process wtf ur saying #to me. also i probably spaced out for a sec so i missed part of the convo lol. frustrating but at this point its just how it is. it makes me #more empathetic when i have to teach i guess. like listen ive got all kinds of fucking learning probs i just wanna help u learn something #how can i help? fucking dyslexia. god. i dont wanna prep for class this weekend. ive gotta show up like yea i kno reading papers is hard at #first but it gets easier! fuck u. its worth the suffering if i enjoy to topic but its always suffering. but thats what i get for going into #academia. thr dr who proscribed me stuff was like well sounds like u have a stress trigger and ur a phd student where life is stress... u #gotta figure out whats gonna work for u. sometimes thats a career change. not in like a pushy way just like: if what u do makes u suffer #then wtf r u doing? and hes got a point. but in contrast to what i was doing this is a massive improvement #well see if its manageable. ugh. i just wanna draw #unrelated

[thatfizzyyyy]

in other news. that was definitely an eating disorder.

#oops im rambling #how i was so scared of gaining 4 pounds #and how i 'didnt want to end up like my mom' #and on a separate occassion going out of my way #to mention that my friend said she wished she was as skinny as me #coupled with my behavioral habits... #im not in the business of self diagnosing #but that . was not healthy. #the thing is i barely think abt that when i think abt myself at that age

[noxtivagus]

ffxv makes me so emotional oh my god 🥹🫶🏼

#🌙.rambles #[ ffxv. ] #i love love love final fantasy so much like. video games in general i cld rlly ramble abt each of my interests for hours like i'm #v much ffxv mood rn. god esp that one story two years back i've mentioned it so much here atp but IT REALLY IS SO PERSONAL N #CRINGE???? IDK IT MAKES ME EMBARRASSED A BIT but like embarrassed /pos like. it's me. younger me. n i'm still v fond of it. #..still makes me shy though but even more i finished writing that uh oneshot back then w noctis #childhood friends to lovers uhuh secretly in love but both think it's unrequited uhuh #why has that always been among my fav tropes.. I DON'T EVEN RLLY HAVE CHILDHOOD FRIENDS? there's nothing irl that inspired it at all. #but then ^ that's also w my uhhhh original characters n then my wol too in ffxiv honestly n #even with other characters.. a v similar sentiment w claude n like lancelot or lucifer. ffxv / fe3h / gbf were my top 3 back in 2020 #botw hades octopath acnh & other ff were games that i rlly rmb then too. but ever since ffxiv i haven't been able to play much other vgs 😭 #the witcher 3. nier automata demo. code vein demo. genshin. hzd. rdr2. ac odyssey n lots more but god i've barely finished any #OH I NEARLY FORGOT.. I'M SO SORRY must be bcs i was listening to it earlier so i thought i already wrote it but kh3 yes #AAAA WAIT I'M RAMBLING AGAIN I WAS GNA WORK ON SOME STUFF BEFORE I SLEEP 🥹 sleep by 3 for more hours or by 4 so i can uh #get some stuff done before tmrrw? i will. do my best this week as quickly as i can so i can.. rest? my mind rlly needs a rest i think >< #yk what i can always write n do more the next day yeah i'll sleep no later than 3:30 #i think i'm going back more to my old self again but i'll do my best to not isolate or distance myself too much i don't want to destroy #things even more like. in that. dream n. in the past when. i thought i was over it but i think those wounds r reopening #but i'm stronger than them n. fuck. it's the same as before n that's why i'm crying that's why i'm so afraid that's why it hurts so much #but i've written too much here. it hurts so much but even if it feels too similar to.. back then it's. not the same it's not the same #i've improved i've gone this far i've made friends i've made so much memories. but i'm so afraid that i'll fuck up again n #i think i'm like this bcs. oh ffs my dream told me basically that i really do think i already fucked up. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry #the past.. present. the future. too fast too much n it's just like before n that's. why i'm helpless to it. i can do better but this #i forgave them but maybe i haven't forgiven myself. entirely at least. so. the familiarity of this rn is keeping me frozen in place? #n then other stuff r so overwhelming too n fuck i don't want to think about this anymore i'll be fine i'm fine i can do this on my own #..no. i can't do that again. fuck i'm crying so much why does this feel the same as two years back #i'm sorry please don't forget me please don't leave me please tell me i didn't fuck up please don't tell me i did it again #i'm sorry i was doing better i was healing but i'm back to this again i know better but i can't do any more rn n i'm sorry i'm so sorry #fuck it i'll wipe away these tears. it feels so empty inside but i'll feel better somehow by the morrow. i don't want to be a burden nymore #i know it's bad n i don't want all my progress to be for naught but.. no i can't fuck this up again but i feel i alrdy have. i'm sorry. gn

[magnoliamyrrh]

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#once again im abt to eat glass #literally there has basically not been a day since i started school again in spring that i havent had a overwhelming urge to kill myself ! #and a prepetual feeling that i just. can't do. any of this. any of it. not the fucking classes and not what comes after either. #like fuck what does it even matter exactly if i get this degree or not? if i manage to barely drag myself through this? what does it matter #degree or not i dont have what it takes to remotely make it through life #its not even that im stupid lmao i just. i cant do this. too tired too many fucking health issues too much trauma too insane and. too. #fucking. exhausted. considering i dont even have much a fear of death and have lost that basic survival instinct. what exactly? ought to #keep me going? because on the other side. for the most part i just. dont. want. life. either. everything is such a fucking #struggle and i dont see any point in it?? not anymore. its not even that i think life is miserable or whatever i just #ive had enough of it. good bad great horrible ive just had enough. lmaoo i feel way too old for any of it god damn. i just wanna rest. its #all been too much. its all been enough. i just want to rest. #........ the school is just a added stress that drives me insane but the main god damn issue is that. i just.... i dont want things anymore #i dont want anything anymore. i dont care. most of the things i used to be passionate abt or care about i... . i dont even fucking manage #to do those when i have the time. or want to do them when i have the time #........ so what. exactly. is the point of staying alive. #...... #nothing drives me anymore. i have no drive. perhaps anger at times. i guess thst comes from care. but mostly im just fucking exhausted #... and im just?? useless in this state. useless to myself useless to my family useless to society. i dont even have it in me to do things #out of fear or dread of my parents anymore. #.and. frankly. the biggest issue here is that since ive been like? what? 17? ive been unable to idk rise up to the occasion? its too #fucking much. but frankly.. ;; im not even sure it is. like okay rationally this is a lot to deal with for a human being but also. this is #all. this is all. just because im weak. mentally i dont have it in me. i think the last bit of my energy went into #fucking recovering alone from 2 eating disorders from hell & pretty fucking bad bpd. i feel like that was the last big effort i was able to #make for myselr #idk i just feel like im making fucking excuses all the time. i should Not Be Letting It Define My Life and Rising Above It or whatever but #im too much of a whiny fucking bitch with a victim complex who just fucking complains about things all the time but cant manage to actually #do. anything. #.