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ddonggeun · 5 years

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Hey! So I’m suspecting if I got adhd/add but is there any symptom idk. It’s really exp here to get it diagnosed

sorry it took me a while to get back to you because honestly i dont know whats a good alternative for you can be so i guess i can share my own experience?

first of all i think googling symptoms and types of adhd and reading peoples account on how adhd/add manifest is a good start? my doctor and the reddit /r/adhd REALLY help me to accept myself (which is the first step i think) but the way i get diagnosis (i am adhd with predominately inattentiveness - but at the same time i have depressions and dyslexia which is like a killer combo 10/10 would never rec) is that i came across with an article a couple months about how girls with adhd are more likely to be (mis)diagnosed with depression and it basically fucks up multiple generations because they cant get the help they need and i was like wait whats describe in it sounds kind of like me but at the same time i have always been very lethargic and rather well behaved in class growing up i am nothing like what you would typically associate with adhd (you know the hyper-activeness) so during my next visit to the doctor (im getting treatment for my depression) i mention to the article to her and she said wait you know what describe how you feel in a classroom setting growing up and is there anything you do that teachers complain about repeatedly and tell me how studying and doing homework is like to you and so i did (i can go further into details of my life since a lot contributes to why i only get diagnosis when im 21… let me know if you would like to know i guess?)

my doctor (who just so happens to be an adhd specialist and is quite active in the research area i didnt know before then we stan forever i love her really she is so encouraging and so good at her job) took some notes as i was talking and after im done she said you know what i think you might be onto something but i cant be sure yet (since i have depression and dyslexia which both overlaps quite a lot with adhd/add) why dont i first explain to you what adhd is and i’ll give you the set of official diagnosis questions you dont have to do it just take a look at it first do some research organize your thought talk to your parents about it and if you think getting a test on it is something you want we can set up another appointment and we can go from there - which is really really nice because adhd has always been a taboo at least with my upbringing it makes you a loser socially academically and you know just in general its not something you will want to have….

in hind sight there are SO MANY SIGNS even in early childhood how come no one notice i dont know prolly because i grew up in the 00s if you are different you need to kys lmao rip:

trouble paying attention in school or work,

the appearance of not listening - although im an audio learner funny enough

avoidance of activities that require sustained focus,

being easily distracted

restlessness

fidgeting and cant sit properly - i shake my legs or click my pen so much especially when im thinking or anxious lmao, i got into trouble a lot when i was younger because i only sit in my seat facnig the teacher 5 mins max at at ime then i move around or i move the chair around i think better when i cross my legs but i went to a uniform school and i always make my skirt too short so you know

interrupting - if i dont say what comes to mind when it comes to mind, the thought is gone forever

frequent talking and talking way too fast - i get the exact same comment every single report day class from when i was 4 till i graduated high school im not even kidding “she has excellent comprehension skill and reading speed. it would be great if parents can help her out a bit in maths or chemistry. she has a lot of potential if she applies herself, she seems distracted although when we ask her questions she can answer. very helpful and bubbly and yet she talks too much in class. she is not disruptive and her seatmate never complains but she just doesnt stop talking. we have been pairing her up with quiet students in class in the hopes that she will talk less in class but she just turn the quiet student talkative”

trying to do multiple things at once - i cant do one thing at a time, even when im say writing a paper i need to be listening to music or talking to someone if not switching between tabs or word files

mood swings

hyperfocus - oh boy oh boy oh boy

impulsiveness - i dont know if i get better as i age or is it getting worse i just know how to clean up my mess lmaooooo

poor time management - although i would say ever since i start listening to stuff 24/7 it really helps build a sense of the passage of time or whatever? its like now i know ok by the time i get to the third song in the shower i need to be washing out my conditioner; or say i need to go somewhere in 40 mins which is really abstract to me i set timers and put on a show thats 35ish mins even tho im not watching it just so im aware of time is actually happening if it makes sense

fail to follow through - i start things and once i have it figure out in my head i struggle to put it down in words or explain it to others i work well with other adhd peps tho

doesnt follow instruction and only do stuff their way

burnout - this is the worst especially if you are a perfectionist or a control freak and guess who is both

trouble coping with stress -

i luck out because im canadian and my doctor (in my schools clinic) just so happens to be a specialist who is very passionate about helping undergrads and grad school students to achieve as much as they can - so doctor and diagnosis for me is free. i do have to pay for my medications out of my pocket for a bit since im on vyvanse (to treat both my adhd and depression-lead anxiety its complicated but it makes sense when my doctor explained it to me lol) and this drug isnt covered by Pharmacare (CAD $130ish for 3 weeks worth of 30mg, im mostly on 30mg but on days when i dont have work on stuff or go to school i take 20mg just so my anxiety dont cause me to explode lmao) and very expensive but recently my doctor and i have agreed that vyvanse really work for me and it is something that i should be on daily for the foreseeable future we applied for special authorization which means i only gotta pay the tax… of course medicating isnt a must but it is what works for me and we figure out a way to make it affordable so i cant be more happy about that

at the same time i work with my psychiatrist to you know configure the whole adhd thing cause you know 21 years of repressing and forcing your feet into a shoes that not even your size frick you up thats something people dont tell you 🤷🏻‍♀️

what my doctor said to me then stuck with me - she told me adhd or add really is no monster or flaw in fact it is a very valuable set of traits we inherit from our ancestor - we hate it now because modern society render these skills useless well you see adhd isnt all about the hyperactiveness you see in the media people with adhd are extra sensitive to their surrounding and prefer hands on experiences (today we call them distracted) they are always aware of the change around them and is capable to attend to a couple things at a time and act fast because their brains are always making sense of things even when they arent consciously doing it. in todays society we dont want these kind of people why? because they ask questions they are curious people who notice trivial stuff that dont contribute to productivity they cant sit still which makes them not the ideal factor workers or pupils BUT! you have to remember that industrialization started like a century ish ago before that our ancestors live in predominately tribal society - adhd people then are the perfect caretakers and protectors, why? because they are always noticing things they adapt and react fast… so yeah it kinda suck for us growing up in a system thats designed to be everything we are and it is something that need to be changed but for those of us who “made it out alive” especially people who only get diagnosed in adulthood more often than not they look back and realize they have developed so many incredible ways to cope to make things work - are they always the perfect way? are they always health? no definitely no but at the same time it shows you how incredible these people are they make things work yes things are really hard sometimes but you got to give yourself a pet in the shoulder for not giving up… with the help of science and research we now know a little more about how adhd affect people we now have medication and programs developed to help people with adhd - they arent to dumb you down or numb you but instead it helps you to focus better so you can actually hear your entire thought and not just phrases or sentence fragments

#i rambled but i hope my personal experience give u a slight idea of how adhd/add manifest in others? but like i said medicating is not the #only way i think talking to people with similar experiences is helpful too even tho they might not be able to offer you professional medical #advices not feeling alone or that you are a weirdo is so important people talk a lot of about how poor self image among adhd ppls are common #and i think the social pressure is def one of the things that make it worse #i dont know where you are but if you are still in school #i guess talking to a trusted teacher or like social worker would be a good start they might be able to point you to more local and accessibl #resources.... and i mean you can always talk to me im very new to the whole actively combating adhd and not just cope with it but you know #sometimes you just need someone to hear you rant about stuff and im always here... i might not be able to reply fast since im in my last #semester 😳 and school is killing me lmao but ill try to response as soon as i see it :)))#ask #anon

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323398149 · 3 years

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I need a new therapist. I dont like this lady and she makes me feel like shit. She was like what's your goal here but the whole point is that I cant think when I'm put on the spot like obviously I'm not gonna have an answer for you cause you're freaking me tf out. I would have appreciated a headsup like here fill this out or think of these things before our appointment. Or also just read my file before our appointment??? Dont tell me "have we spoken before?" Like wtf that's not supposed to make me feel like a number? I gave you my entire life story last time and we spoke for hours and I would expect that we could carry that conversation because clearly I DON'T HAVE A PERCEPTION OF TIME and to me that feels like last month so can't you just re-read your notes and prepare????

I feel angry with myself for even asking for help, she just made me feel like suffering on my own and venting to friends was easier than this. I shouldn't hate myself more AFTER the appointment than I did before. I was honestly feeling good today and proud of myself for following up multiple times to get this appointment and now I feel like crap because I couldn't coherently answer any of her questions like when I tell you after a very long pause that my goal is to be able to speak doesn't that explain to you that I cant answer your question cause my brain is blanking ?

And he microphone quality was ass and everytime I asked her to repeat herself she wouldn't speak any slower/more coherent and I just felt dumb but clearly it's not my headphones cause i talk to people all the time and can hear fine you dont have to make me guess your words? And also at the end she like was so rude when she asked what my prescription was for and where my pharmacy is as if i was some criminal for asking for a refill like her voice turned harder than it already was and i almost wanted to be like okay nevermind i dont want it if you're going to make me feel bad i regret even asking gosh I'm sorry i swear I'm not some junky university student i swear I didnt abuse it like but I couldn't even say all this because that's my whole issue and I'd much rather we did some sort of journaling system where I could write my thoughts instead of say them because like i just told you i can’t speak to people why dont you get that

why am i apologizing i hate this i feel so horrible and i haven’t felt this bad in over a month and i did not have the energy for this in the middle of exam week

i was PROUD of myself for coping and taking care of myself this year and not being depressed and now i just feel like shit like none of that happened because i didn’t tell someone? like it discredits all the effort i put in

and also i did journal whenever i wished i could make an appointment but couldn’t bring myself to make one and i did write down how i was feeling so it DID happen

why do i need a goal? can’t i just have someone to talk to and help me make sense of my brain, can’t that be my goal? i don’t know what i want to change because i don’t know whats wrong with me ive just always been this way and i don’t want to feel this way anymore

im so angry my appt was supposed to be from 2:00 to 2:45 but she didn’t even email me ahead of time and then yeah i took too long to speak and now i have a headache but i wanted to finish my essay by tonight.

i feel more alone and like i dont have an adult to turn to now more than i did before the appointment and idk what to do i want to die but i have to log back into work and have already gone over my break but im lucky because my manager has been off today gosh im just so mad at her and myself and i hated every minute of that and it did not make me feel better and i can’t do therapy out loud is my conclusion i need someone that will let me write to them

#personal #w21

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myemptiestvoid · 4 years

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brain dump

entire post will be one big ramble because thats what i do best.

today i woke up and i’m not okay because my brain sucks and it broke again so i am going to type until the urge of wanting to kill myself and/or hurt myself disappears. i dont understand why this happens. i dont know how to explain it to anybody but it fucking sucks.

i dont understand how one day, everything is completely fine and im happy, im okay and in the matter of like... what 8 hours? i wake up and everything is going to fucking shit in my mind. its harder because i really dont think anybody can fully comprehend the way i feel whenever i get like this so i just rather not talk. sulk in my own silence and cry until i cant cry anymore.

overall, im happy but im not happy. and im not sure if that even makes sense because its hard to explain. am i the happiest ive been in a while? yes. i can absolutely say this and agree to that thought. but on a mental spectrum i dont think im happy. if i was, i wouldnt feel like this.

i want nothing more than to just disappear from everything and exist in my own realm. i feel like i am a burden to a lot of people and everyone has pity for me because i cant manage to keep myself grounded or ok for more than a week and its annoying. i hate feeling like this. i hate feeling like im bothering people. i just want everything to be okay and im not sure if thats ever going to be a thing.

the one thing im good at is running from my problems and avoiding how i feel and thats probably the unhealthiest coping mechanism ive developed. some days i want to relapse, which is kinda fucked. i relapsed once this year and felt like this about it because i threw away 3 solid years of sobriety, started over but since that day ive just wanted to do it again. the one thing i can remember about that period was feeling nothing and although it felt weird to feel nothing it also felt really fucking great. it felt good not having to deal with anything and just being numb to everything around me. it felt good just existing and not caring about shit because i was way too high to give a damn about it. being sober has made me realize how bad things are./

i try my best but i feel like my best isnt enough. my best isnt doing anything beneficial for me. i am in a never ending cycle of wanting to end my entire existence day in and day out. i am in a never ending cycle of wanting to split myself open until i bleed out. and it scares me because i really feel like one day ill do it. one day i wont have control over anything im feeling and thats going to be the day it happens. and nobody will be there to help me because ive learned over time what id have to do in order for nobody to find me in that position to stop it.

the older i get, the more i remember. i dont like that. i wish i didnt have to remember anything bad that happened to me or that i was lucky enough like paris to just.. push all of that so far back in my head it never happened. i resent my mom for a lot of it because in the grand scheme of things its really her fault. she let all of that happen to me and here i am today, dealing with it. by myself. because im too scared to open up about what really happened to me growing up. and even if i did she wouldnt care because she continues to deny everything. the way things work is just weird. i dont get how someone can deny the way they make you feel or guilt trip you for feeling that way. im happiest when im away from her. and it sucks because thats my mom but i dont know. i feel like an actual mother wouldnt ever put you in a position to be hurt like that. i remember being little and telling her the things that would happen to me and she never believed me. that sucks. instead of listening to me she just kept putting me in situations that enabled the people around to do it more. instead of listening to me i felt like i had to protect myself against everyone around me. thats probably why im so scared of people now. i feel like everyone is going to do something to me and i dont like living my life like that. i wouldnt be like this or feel any of this if she just listened to me and even then, if she cared for two seconds about someone other than herself to realize how much damage she causes.

i wish i could fix our relationship but i dont think thats going to be a thing and i kinda just started to accept that over the last few weeks. it doesnt matter what i do for her its never going to be enough. her biggest mistake in life was having me out of spite and it shows. i will continue to blame myself for the way she is. i will continue to feel like its my fault. is it true? no. but thats something i cant change. if she was an alcoholic that accepted the fact she was an alcoholic and held herself accountable for the things she does, i think id be less angry about everything. i wouldnt be as upset. but its the fact shes an alcoholic, lying about being an alcoholic, denying the fact that shes an alcoholic that gets under every layer of me to the point im so frustrated about it. i woudnt care if she was open about the issue but she isnt. she hides things like i wont know or like i dont know. but its very obvious. ever since 11/29/18 shes lied day in and day out about her problem. i tried to help but nothing works and i honestly dont care to help anymore.

i am selfless. a little too selfless. im selfless to the point that im willing to put my own needs so far behind me in order to help everyone else and then i realize that i am in a deep deep mess of a puddle and i cant get out of it. everything begins to consume me like im standing in quicksand and then it just gets bad. im selfless when it comes to my mom because i just want her to be ok. i want her to be happy. but shes happiest whenever shes drunk and i cant change that. thats what i have to accept. but its a lot easier to say that than it is to actually accept it.

i dont know what to do and its frustrating me.

brain is fairly empty and that feeling isnt there anymore but im probably going to end up feeling like that again so more brain dumps. at the end of the day i just need to stop overthinking and probably do something more productive to help myself.

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pokefanbri · 4 years

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1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.

So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)

But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.

They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.

But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.

But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.

But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.

Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.

God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️ so who gives a crap.

These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful

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cake-of-awesome · 6 years

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im in a very bad state right now , i dont want to talk to anyone, but ruminating wont help anything either so im just going to write all of my anxieties down and see how that goes

for the past few weeks i feel emotionally haywired. like im short circuiting or something. i have emotions, i know i have emotions, i can express emotions, but its like im expressing emotions without really knowing what im expressing or why, or expressing them waaaay out of line.

like, i went to the movies today and there was a local commercial before the movie previews, it had a baby smiley, and i wanted to sob right then and there, there was nothing sad about the baby, nothing was wrong with the baby or anything bad was going to happen, but i wanted to sob at the smiling baby

i alternate between coming off as sarcastic or condescending to coworkers, being super angry and defensive whenever my mom speaks to me to just not feeling anything at all, being unfocused, having a hard time motivating myself to do anything at all and just

basically feeling too many emotions to nothing at all and its so stressful

my only guess is that this is another hormonal surge, and that i’ll probably have a period again sometime next week

which ok, thats fine, or not, honestly i should do some research into birth control and actually learn what the hell it does in terms of dealing with hormones

but, big picture wise, i should ALSO be going back to therapy. i NEED to do this yet i still dont, and its realy hurting me, i know i should, i know it can help me with identifying my emotions and learning better coping methods in properly expressing them rather than bottling them up or letting them run loose, i know it can help me rewire my brain so that im not always thinking so black and white all the time too

yet i dont

i need to admit that part of me just hates doctors. that i have anxiety dealing with them and clinics, i need to admit i do have somewhat of a fear of it since having cancer and having to deal with all of those visits

im so programmed to just saying yes to anything that goes on just so i wont stay there any longer, which is so incredibly hurtful in so many ways. i know i can do better

but the one time i did end up being truthful to my therapist and saying yes!!! i do think about killing myself every!!! single!!! day!!! i almost got thrown in psych ward. i dont want to go in there. i cant go in there. i know it can help and get me the meds i need but god i dont want to go back into the hospital please

but i need help. but the longer i put it off the more anxiety i have about coming back, having to answer questions on why i didnt make an appointment for 5 months now

i mean sure part of it its because i hate talking on the phone, that the only time i can call is either when im at work, cause they close right when i get out and arent open util an hour after im in work

part of me also gets anxious talking with my therapist, the topic of gender comes up a lot since during the first sesson i said iddnt know and it makes me really anxious cause fuck??? i dont know. i barely have a construct of an identity as a person, much less a gender.

i feel like my entire identity is an outline of a person, the kind you draw on paper like how you outline your hand and the inside of the hand is all hollow and the outside is just as blank

i dont know, i dont know anything and i dont want to talk about this, at least not yet

but i also dont want to say anything either cause i just want to get out of there as soon as possible

i also feel like a lonely loser spilling my beans (or a select few beans since i constantly lie while in those sessions)

like everytime i go in there i realize just how lonely i am, i dont have many RL friends to hang out with, and those that i do i never have big conversations , our relationship is the lazy kind where we’re only friends bc we used to be in the same highschool or we’re cousins somehow or w/e

i wish i had someone i could hang out with on a regular basis and have those deep conversations and feel valid for whats going on, but thats on me, im the lazy one who never goes out to meet new people or tries to keep up with friendships and make sure that they thrive

if i want those kinds of relationships i need to get out there and be vunerable, be open, stop bing afraid of getting hurt or not being understood or rejected, adult relationships are a lot harder to maintain than in school, cant rely on classes and lockers to build a friendship, i need to put in effort to maintain a connection with others

but its so much effort, and so frustration when my invites are rejected bc one person has to work at night and another is busy planning a wedding or graduating or whatever

its no wonder i’ve relied on internet friendships to maintain a semblance social life. its easy and convenient, and always there.... which means the anxiety of being out of the loop due to working long hours and that people are only putting up with me because i’m there and can be easily replaced if i m too much of an ass, is always there too

I cant let this anxiety control my life and relationships though, real life or online. people are social creatures and at the end of the day most people just want to have a good time and not have any drama, and most likely, so long as i try to be a decent person who respects others things will be okay

and part of being a decent person is having empathy and sympathy

if im this stressed out, im never going to be able to pick up on what other people are feeling and connect to what they’re going through

which means being in tune with my emotions, knowing what im feeling and knowing when to express them and how intense to express them

i know therapy can help with this, and i know calling is scary, and making an appointment and going to an appointment is just as bad. but if i want to get better andbe a better person that means doing scary things

maybe i can write down some bullet points from this post and bring it next time i go in and see how that goes

#whispers

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saudade-asylum · 4 years

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rant time

im so mentally unwell. i keep crying and then just stopping, i dont even get the satisfaction of a proper sob. i had a breakdown on christmas eve and hid in the pantry and just started giggling and when my mum asked why i said i did it because ‘emillie couldnt find me there’ why do i feel the need to hide from myself you ask??? because im a humongous arsehole. I drove all my friends away, this year has been horrible, my childhood best friend committed suicide and the other one cut me off, i put all these expectations on myself for my foundation in art and i didnt meet them, i lost all of my friends because i couldnt handle a conversation and lashed out, tried to make up for it, and then lashed out again when things didnt go my way. I spent all summer in therapy whilst also working at a call centre for ppi and i think the only reason i did so well was because i wanted to hear people on the phone get mad at me and insult me and yell at me because my ex friends were all ignoring me and id rather have hatred and disappointment than nothing. I dont think im actually asexual because i think ive just been repressing my actual personality because no one ever seems to actually like me so i keep faking interests and i dont know what i actually like to do, if its an interest i developed on my own or if i subconciously developed it to fit in with people? i hate myself so fucking much, im ugly im fat and so i do dye my hair to seem cool and courageous and interesting but really im just some fat bitch with a mile long mean streak and i just have all this repressed anger and its coming out man oh fuck is it coming out.. the other day i had my earphones setting set so the audio only came out of one earbud and when i tried to fix it the screen was being weird and wouldnt let me and i got so frustrated i started crying and scratching my arm to buggary, i wanted to rip out my eyes and eat my own tongue. im all alone in my flat and i hate it because i feel like i have no one to talk to and i mean im pretty sure all my flat mates hate me anyway (they decided to do christmas gifts without me woo) and i have friends at uni but theyre going through a really hard time themselves (dead relatives, cheating on boyfriends, and other boy/girl troubles) and i dont want to dump more things on them and even if i did how does my shit compare to that? i have to go home in a few days and fuck i really dont want to. im gonna get those judgy looks and the familys a fucking joke - no one likes eachother and im tired of all the fucking secrets and lies. whos great uncle billy? why have i never met him? what did my gran do to piss him off so much? is my mum actually the racist my gran makes her out to be? what did my gran do to my mum? whats the actual reason shes been kicked out of the will? and why am i in the middle of it all. i i just dont want to exist, i dont want to die but i dont want to live. i just want to go into a box for a week and just breakdown, pull out all my teeth shave my head rip off my nails and stab myself in the face but come out completely fine and sane and ready to get back to uni. i cant sleep i dont want to eat but then i binge and i just want to vomit all my organs up and then sleep for three thousand years. im done man, im so fucking done. every year its ‘this is my year’ and it never is. im not even the most important person in my life id rather die than let anyone know how i actually am because theyve all got enough going on and i dont want to have another year of disappointment of friends deciding that im the weak link in the group and cutting me out. i must be so fuckign toxic cause theres only so many times you can convince yourself that youre not the problem and youve just met bad people and boy have i got a long line of people who would love to see me dead or hurt, i just want it all to end i cant go on like this. i keep spending money i dont have and setting challenges for myself things to do so i wont off myself or walk into the woods and just never come back. this cycle in my head is killing me the i want to die but i cant but i want to cycle is rotting my brain from the inside out and its been such a long process that killing myself has become my coping mechanism. ive normalised my own pain for so long that its gotten to the point that this is just who i am. if i got rid of it or tried to get some help i dont even know who id be and im scared that shes worse than what i am now and id honestly rather off myself than prove everyone who ever hated me right

#emillie talks

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years

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so i went to this therapy session. it consiisted of this woman asking me what i thought my issues were and going through a list of “important life factors” before she readily prescribed CBT. and like.. ive learned to play the game with these people; if you influence them by giving too much or focusing on the wrong thing, they can suggest stupid things. so i gave her very concise and bare bones answers.

unlike my family doctor, she had little focus on the traumas. she said the traumas must have created behaviors that needed to be examined. i mean, yeah. science? and like, i’ve learned to handle my anxiety atleast 30 - 40% better than say, last year. by using things similar to CBT techniques, like examining all possible outcomes and taking time to examine my anxieties rather than react on them. this has allowed me certain control over a lot of previusly panic inducing situations. but now im plateaued because the anxiety is not so much an issue -- i don’t care. i used to care alot more before. like i wanted to be seen as a good person and i went out of my way to be a good person and put myself and needs aside for it. but now i dont care? i find i have even less anxiety going out and meeting new people because i dont care? the apathy is overwhelming.

CBT doesnt fix apathy. and i dnt know if anything fixes apathy.

heres what i do KNOW from this year of self improvement: the only thing that has made me feel remotely better and that has made sound logical sense since it came to be acknowledged is really standard old school talk therapy. in no fucking way can cure anxiety about being alone or having no family by “positive affirmations”. you can try and see some positives in but if you try to fool yourself so far that youre “totally okay” with no one, there will always be one day that comes when you regret “totally okay”.

but absolutely no one cares about examining the known. no one cares why or how the family dynamic works except people literally studying it. all anyone knows is that by default, you’re handed a group of people who share similar dna to you and whatever happens after that is up to fate and chance. more often than not people have SOME kind of family. even those who say they dont “really” have family have some cousin or distance aunt or someone they manage to stay in close contact with.

heres what i also know: he is “right” about one thing - the people we know, including himself, were shaped and influenced by a community; there’s half a million strong here but yet if you’re in our age group and you’re white you can probably play six degrees of seperation. and a lot of people turned to drugs, a lot of people came from bad homes, a lot of people have untreated mental illnesses -- and these are the people i am turning to for support. because i have no real choice right now. it’s literally trying to survive and you cannot pick and choose in survival. you take whatever you can get wherever you can get it. and thats not even to say these are bad people. clearly if they offer any support at all they are good people in their hearts. no matter what issue they have, they’re decent people.

but in no fucking way what so ever are they equipped to support another person emotionally or even leave their own foundations of support because i mean, who does that? logically?

i went through all of this stuff. and like i’m nt trying to have a pissing contest of whos life was worse? my own parents lives were worse than mine. a close friend of mine - definitely way worse than mine. this could totally be worse but what difference does that make? you cut off a finger and you’re like “well didnt lose the hand” but youre still living with no finger. you still have to cope and deal with n finger every second of the day despite how much worse it “could” be.

to me my power and release and way i feel good is not through meditation or yoga or taking a walk - it’s being heard. i want to be heard. i lived in silence an was sheltered for a long time and i didnt get to speak on a lot of things that legitimately shaped the way i lived my life. and like i’m not asking for these things to be analyzed. theyre not here for like a game of psychology. this is my life. this is what i lived and i want to speak about it. i want to be able to speak for ten minutes straight on what happened to me and how i feel. and secondly i want to be understood. like im not speaking a different language. there is no hidden meaning i am just telling a story i want to have understood by the listener. when you read a book, you dont stop thrugh a paragraph and be like “oh i remember the time my mom did this and this” and go off into a new tangent for yourself. you give it focus and attention to understand the nuances of this person’s perspective.

and my doctor gave me the freedom to speak to him at anytime. i can literally go and be like i am upset and here is why and he will just listen to me. because my problem is not about me. my problem is the things that happened to me. CBT literally tells you that statements like “i am a victim to outside circumstances” is “harmful”. but i am? like i’m not saying this t promote an internal victimization but that outside circumstances happened to which i had little to no control over anything BUT my own reaction.

and the thing is - no one at all will ever fix what happened. very bad things happened. this is without a doubt now, bad things happened. almost all of the time. and people cannot even fathom such trauma without bringing up sexual abuse or physical abuse because it more often manifests those ways but this was a unique circumstance of very different factors - none of which are special in the world but just a timeline that by using all of these factors created a very jarring and traumatic time.

so you cannot give me medication. im not sick. im experiencing a natural reaction to long term trauma. like.. the brain is damaged now but who is to say filling it with synthetic chemicals to “fix” or cover the damage is any better? what happens when youre no longer on them?

you cant tell me to meditate on it; sit silently and dont think about it? cruel. how o you think i made it this far? i deserve to talk about these things, outloud, without judgement. i dont even need a group. in fact right now i deserve one single human to give me the respect and time. because literally? sometimes i need like.. one hour in a month. just one hour in 30 days to speak out loud everything that haunted me that month and have it acknowledged in reality without personal opinion inserted.

i explained to him why i didnt like cbt and why i felt like i wanted to be left alone now; like i was tired of being psychoanalyzed, i knew what my problem was, i knew what i wanted in life. he immediately brought up how i should be seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist instead and that i just needed to have that. i realize now that hes put alot of weight on a psychologist or w.e. solving my issues and “giving me coping techniques” and by me saying i wanted to be left alone triggered anger, like he assumed i was “giving up”? still, it went into an argument which led to him saying things like i needed to have a job to deserve a family which is very hateful and emotionally abusive thing to say. i walked away when we got to his place and then went to a friends for an hour or so before he picked me up. he commented on the way back, “just for the record, i’m just too real for people.” -- but ive started not to care. i told him he wasnt real, he was mentally ill and projected a lot of things on to people around him when he was a textbook example of toxic thinking. i said he should get therapy, but he wont because it takes work and it might mean he wont be great anymore but i still loved him regardless.

he sat quiet for a bit and when we got back to his place he made a casual remark asking if we had talked about him. i said sure and he asked what was said. i told him the only thing im ever told about him is to not listen to him because hes crazy. he laughed a bit and asked how and why and who. i doubled down and said even my doctor has told me to not listen to him because what he says is harmful and misunderstood. he got very quiet and then seemed to be upset the rest of the night. i couldnt understand entirely why though? did he feel bad about it? did he think i was wrong? did he have shame people held this opinion or was he angry they knew about him at all?

he was still a bit upset this morning but seemed to try and at least fake it? he told me he loved me when i left but it just seemed weird. i feel like he feels bad? like maybe he realized he was causing damage but now couldnt take it back? i certainly dont think he’d tell me he loved me if he was angry.

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paler-than-thou · 7 years

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this isnt a nasty anon! so glad you have anon back on though just wanted to reassure this wasnt nasty its actually a question sort of because you seem pretty up on metnal stuff. was wondering if you know anything abt how to cope with flashbacks i had a lot of abuse mostly sexual recently and i cant stop thinking about it is there someting wrong with me? my friends dont know and i think im losing them because i keep being so weird about things like words can i do anything about it?

Aaah thank you for the reassurance ^^ I really appreciate the thought!

Right. First off, let me start off by saying thank you for being so brave and coming to me about this, anon or not - I know even if you don’t know the person and you are completely anonymous it can be a terrifying experience to search out advice/comfort, even from a stranger completely removed from it.

I’m going to put the answer/advice to this under a cut, as it’s long and can potentially be triggery to others, as I’m going to be talking about my own experiences as well.

Firstly, no, there is nothing wrong with you for not being able to stop thinking of it. Going by my own experiences, my abuse (and other things) happened as a child and again about 10 years ago, and while it’s no longer a daily occurrence, I still think about it regularly. It’s always there, sitting under my thoughts, and yes - if I’m having a bad day or something, it can surface. I remember a therapist telling me there is an actual reason for this - the same thing that causes people to remember That One Embarrassing Moment when they try to sleep. It’s the brain taking an instance of danger and replaying it to learn from it and try to work out how to counter it should it happen again - an evolution thing that is deeply unpleasant when it comes to being forced to relive something as horrific as abuse.

You are very much not broken for feeling like you’re fixating on it. Right now, the abuse you suffered is a very fresh wound, the pain new and jagged and so very painful and you don’t know how to deal with it. It’s like if you just broke your leg - the pain is unbearable and any touch makes it worse, and the place where the bone broke will never be the same. You’re going to be fixated on that broken leg until it heals to an ache, a scar and a bump, so why wouldn’t you be fixated on the mental pain? I will tell you that it gets better, it gets easier. The pain will lessen, the wound will scar but it will be healed. The thoughts, if you give yourself the time to heal, will no longer hold the pain they did and they will lessen and grow quieter until you can barely - if at all - hear them, I promise, because they have with me.

What I would strongly advise is that you try to get yourself into therapy of some sort as soon as you can. I’m assuming from how you worded this you haven’t told anyone (besides me) what happened? So right now you feel isolated and alone, like you have a dirty secret you can’t let anyone find out about. Let me reassure you it is not dirty, you have nothing to be ashamed of and you have done nothing wrong. None of this is your fault. The reason I say go to a therapist as early as you can rather than try to tell a friend or family member (as I don’t know your situation) is a therapist is in a position to actively help you, they are bound not to tell anyone anything and you don’t have to unload everything at the first session. You can work up to it, if you feel you need to - you know how much you can deal with and what you’re capable of doing, so don’t push yourself and feel you have to talk about everything immediately. Get yourself into the therapy first, then work on the rest.

The thing with the words and other bits causing you to be weird is what’s known as being ‘triggered’. It’s a phrase that Tumblr and 4chan have ruined, but it’s a very apt one. Anything can trigger a flashback or poke the wound the abuse created, from a sound to a word to a smell, so of course instinctively you’re going to want to avoid the hell out of that trigger - for instance, there’s a very specific sound that can send me into a full-blown flashback that will put me out for days, and this is years later. So I avoid any instances involving that sound. If you are not prepared to tell your friends the full extent as to why you keep having odd reactions to things that you may have been fine with before, that’s fine - just tell them you’re not having a great time mentally and ask if they could be a bit understanding. Of course, it goes without saying that if they’re dicks about it, then they are not a friend.

Unfortunately, when it comes to dealing with triggers and how they cause us to react, there’s no easy answer. This is a few ways I have found work for me, but the best thing I can give you is that trial and error and a lot of therapy is the only way I’ve found these:

Identification: Work out what the trigger is. Was it a word? A sentence? A smell or a visual stimulus? Where did it come from?

Avoidance: Is it something easily avoided? Can you work around it? If so, how?

There’s no real easy way out of triggers except to give yourself time. There will come a point where you’ll be desensitised to it - one way I dealt with one of mine which was a song was I forced myself to listen to it on repeat until it became meaningless. That, of course, is not something to attempt unless you have the support and the mental ability to deal with it - and I would not recommend it without therapy.

Lastly, a few words to hopefully help you feel better: You are not alone. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing about any of what happened to you is your fault - it’s the fault of whoever did this to you. You are stronger than you know, more capable than you think and you will get through this. There is so much more to you than what happened, and you will get to the point where this will no longer hurt. You may have scarring - whether mental or physical - but scars are merely signs of the battles and wars we’ve won. You can do this. You have survived, and you will continue to.

And if you fall, if you find yourself in a dark place and that you feel you are failing, remember - we’ve been there too. You are not a failure for it. Just remember there is a way out, there is a lot of places you can turn to - you’ve done it by asking me for help. You will be okay, I promise. It gets better, and it gets easier.

And if you need to, come back and talk to me, on anon or off. Take care, and I hope everything goes alright :)

#abuse #Anonymous #Asky Things

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shsl-dangan-kins · 7 years

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can i have a moodboard & positivity for izuru? i feel guilty because i cant control my anger well and i also feel very lonely due to the fact that i cant really talk to others very well,,

hey izuru!! your positivity is under the cut

so you feel guilty because you cant control your anger very well?? thats more common than you might realize, actually!! anger is red hot and destructive, much like fire: try to touch it and you get burned. but it can also be used to sustain life by proving warmth, signals, and a means of cooking, if used appropriately!!

ill admit that i actually was having a. horrible bout of anger and repulsion with the world as a whole, just as you sent this. funny how things work right?? what im trying to say is youre not alone izuru!! anger can be really ugly and i know how you feel trying to reign inthat beast and failing. maybe youve said some things you regret; maybe youve broken something you or someone else values; maybe youve even hurt someone in a way an apology cant mend. that happens to many, izuru.

do you know some good ways to relax yourself?? i know counting to x number and focusing on your breathing (in for four, hold for five, out for six, for example) are both good for in the moment things if you remember to use them sdfkjhjsfk but dont always help when the emotion is huge and feels more like a forest fire than a warm blaze!! and when it gets to that point i strongly recommend looking at stim boards and the like -- not only does it give you something else to focus on, it can stimulate different parts of your brain that may have switched off!! but please dont stew, or focus on your anger/the thing aggravating it. either way, find what works for you and run with it. squeeze a pillow. stab an orange. scribble on paper. i dont know, but keep it directed at something other than yourself and the people around you!!

most importantly, talk about it. talking to people directly about anger can be EXTREMELY difficult, what with fear of upsetting them, making them uncomfy, or getting their judgement/misunderstanding!! i get that. it sucks. maybe try a vent blog!! that way you can write whatever the fuck you want without worrying about what others think. either way, please try to let it out somehow!! keeping anger pent up or stuffing it down wont help anyone, unfortunately.

izuru, i know its hard, but no matter what happens -- if you hurt someone, intentionally or not -- you have to apologize. please. this goes for if its yourself too!! apologize to yourself!! if youre in a bad place or your brain isnt cooperating, once youre feeling better you absolutely must apologize for anything harmful, and be sure to focus on them and the effect it had on them. listening to the other person/s after this is uber important and an apology can turn into a guilt trip all too easily, unfortunately. try not to put yourself down when apologizing!! if they start sounding like your cheerleader rather than someone receiving and apology, backtrack a bit!! start over!! and breathe. itll be okay. youre doing so well.

as for feeling lonely and not being able to talk to others well, thats!! also!! normal!! youre not alone in any of these izuru!! and youre doing so well, stepping up and reaching out for some positivity and moodboards when youre not feeling well!! support is one of the most impactful coping mechanisms, in my opinion, whether its anonymous or not.

making new friends is. terrifying, frankly; i have horrible social anxiety so i know where youre coming from izuru. sometimes i get so choked up with fear of messing up or upsetting someone or just embarrassing myself that i stumble over my words, or cant even speak!! its awful. if this rings true for you too, then know youre one of many!!

or maybe youre not anxious around people so much as you are awkward -- also normal. painfully common, in fact. these days people call it “”” “” “cringe worthy” “” “”” tho, which i hate to no end. if youre finding it hard to talk, remember to take a deep breath!!

most importantly, you should consider telling your friends that you find it hard to socialize!! if theyre aware they can be more patient and understanding -- it helps every party, in my opinion, so long as the interaction goes smoothly. i wouldnt worry too much about phrasing other than focusing on your feelings and not on what the others (are) doing!! itll be much easier for them to feel like a supporter rather than a perpetrator (ive known far too many people who take a confrontation as an insult rather than an attempt to patch over something upsetting asjkhfkjs)

lastly, remember. never forget. always know that you are loved. you are strong, kind, and important, no matter the day or what you say. maybe you take three steps forward in bettering yourself, maybe you take five back: growth is not linear, nor measurable. its okay. youre okay.

i hope this isnt too long izuru!! it all felt important to say and i hope the pain eases soon♥ ill also do your aesthetic as soon as i can!! is there anything in particular youd like?? themes, colors, moods, objects?? let me know☆

#positivity #mod ko #anon #ask

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chichiamah-blog1 · 7 years

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Dialogue with an art thief

I encountered a girl I knew stealing art and putting it on Facebook. She was recoloring and posting it without permission and I confronted her by privately messaging her. She took down the album at the end, as you can read, but Im pretty dang sure shes just hiding her new picture posts from me. I still feel guilty about this for no good reason. My comments are in [brackets].

Me- Hello? [It took me several tries to be on at the same time she was.]

Are you on?

When you are on, I need to talk to you

Her-About what?

Me-About your "Drawings/Comics" album. Please keep in mind, Im not trying to be aggressive here (why I wanted to talk to you in person, to talk to you about it rather than seeming like Im attacking you). I am, instead, curious why you chose to emulate the art of a person who does not have all her crayons in her 96-pack. I also wished to convince you out of it. I really do need to talk to you, so Ill try to be on a bit more.

Her-Im kinda confused. . .what chu talkin bout, now? Somethings wrong with the album, or something? Cause I dont have a clue what you just said (Too many big words. . .they made my brain sad.) [Really. Really. For some reason I have a feeling people see me way differently than I see myself.]

Me-Well, Im kind of a fan of [the comics she was copying], so I know her style when I see it.

I dont really know what to say except to give you two pieces of advice.

One, give credit whenever you can. When you start creating stuff of your own, it hurts when you see your stuff somewhere without credit, or altered in a way that its still yours and presented as someone elses. You didnt say outright that the IP was yours (which is very, VERY good) [She pretty much was], but exclusion of a source is almost as bad.

Second, the only way to really grow as an artist is to form your own style, instead of taking stuff from other people who have already done that. You may not think so right now, or you may think youre fine just copying someone else, but really, the only thing youre doing is copying another style, not creating a new one that is all your own. Its okay to take some things from other artists, but theres a point where it goes from "Hey I like that one thing they do, I might try it out and see how it goes with my style" to outright copying.

Now, Im putting myself out on a limb here. You seem like a smart girl, one that wont get offended by someone giving her constructive criticism, one that wont think shes getting a personal attack on her art when its someone trying to help her grow (Ive had more than my share of THOSE people), so I hope you will take my concrit seriously and develop a style you can be proud of. I think and sincerely hope you will, and become a great artist, but the first step is to grow your own style. Thank you for responding and I hope to see more of your art! Do you have a DeviantArt? [Divide, confuse, and conquer. Works every time.]

Her-What you mean my friends drawing? I used one her ideas, but she knows and has seen it already if thats it. But by style Im not quite sure what you mean, cause Ive been drawing like this for years.

Me-What? [Youre seriously going to try lying to me? I have rock-hard evidence.]

Her-*GASP* OMG Cayla! ! ! I just looked on DeviantArt and the coping thing, Yeah your soo right! My friend gave me her copyrighted idea of someone elses drawing and gave me permission to use that! [Very unlikely. These were exact recolors.] Argh, I cant beleive I just used someones unconsented idea. . .But I do admit the style IS very similiar, but I think thats just coincidence. [No. Im not going to link the originals and thefts in here, but trust me, the lines and words were almost exactly the same, and the characters and props were in the exact same place.] Urgh, Cayla I honestly had NO idea my friend [Really.] stole this! If you hadnt have said anything I would have NEVER known. THANK YOU! (Now imma be taking to that so called friend of mine.

Me-So, just wondering, did you delete the album earlier?

Her-Yeah, just I little bit ago (which was kinda stupid because I could have just deleted anyones that may have been copyrighted, but whatever) Thanks again for tellin me!

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viralhottopics · 7 years

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How dropping acid saved my life

When writer Ayelet Waldman fell into depression she started microdosing with LSD. She tells Rachel Cooke about her extraordinary experiment with acid

Some time ago for reasons that will become apparent I am not allowed to say when, exactly the American writer Ayelet Waldman scored some LSD. She did this, not on a street corner or via the dark web, but middle-class style, through an acquaintance of an acquaintance, for which reason the drug arrived at her home in Berkeley, California, in a stamp-encrusted brown paper package whose sender (an elderly professor, she believed) identified himself only as Lewis Carroll, a fellow resident of her town. Mr Carroll had, however, troubled to write her a brief note. Our lives may be no more than dewdrops on a summer morning, it said. But surely, it is better that we sparkle while we are here. The bottle he enclosed contained 50 drops of vintage quality LSD, of which he advised her to take two at a time. Waldman was delighted. Not to put too fine a point on it, she believed this drug might save her life.

For as long as she can remember, Waldman has been held hostage by her moods. When she is up, she is up; when she is down, she is down. These highs and lows she has managed over the years with the help of therapy and a number of drugs, with which she has had varying degrees of success. At the time of the parcels arrival, though, she had entered a new and much more scary phase.

I was so profoundly depressed, she says. It wasnt the kind of depression where you fall into bed. Ive been through that before, and while its grim, its manageable. This was more of a mixed state, a kind of activated depression, and thats a dangerous place to be. I was doing everything I could to ruin my own life. I was afraid that if I stayed on that track, I would force my husband to leave me, and that I would probably attempt suicide and being a very capable person, I dont think a failed attempt was on the cards.

It was while she was in this state of mind that she stumbled on The Psychedelic Explorers Guide, by the psychologist and writer James Fadiman, who since 2010 has been collecting reports from individuals who have experimented with regular microdosing of LSD and psilocybin, a naturally occurring chemical found in a variety of mushrooms. Fadimans book is certainly not the result of a scientific research project; there has never been an officially sanctioned study of microdosing.

Here comes happiness: Ayelet Waldman at home. Photograph: Barry J Holmes for the Observer

But the people whose accounts it gathered together spoke repeatedly of experiencing, thanks to LSD, increased focus and better mood. They reported rarely losing their tempers, and becoming more fun to be with. None, moreover, had suffered any side effects. To put it simply, they went to bed feeling they had enjoyed that most elusive of things: a really good day. As Waldman read on, she grew envious. How she needed to have one of those! Was this her glimmer of hope? She thought it might be.

Waldman contacted Fadiman, and received a memo entitled To a Potential Self-Study Psychedelic Researcher. The protocol was simple. In order to participate in his international self-study group on the effects of sub-perceptual doses of LSD, she should take a microdose of the drug every third day. The suggested dose was a minuscule 10 micrograms, one 10th or less of what a person would have to take in order to experience an altered state of consciousness (ie to trip).

Meanwhile, she should lead life as normal, pausing only to record her moods, productivity and physical symptoms. Did this sound to be blunt preposterous? It did. Waldman is a middle-aged mother of four who, in addition to writing novels, lectures on the criminal justice system (she is a Harvard-educated former lawyer). As someone who is law-abiding and swotty, nothing in the world irritates her more than hippies, slackers, free spirits. Even people who wont stay on the right hand side of escalators drive her nuts. Ken Kesey she is not. But she was suffering. She had nothing to lose. Why shouldnt she try it, just for a month?

Having found a supplier, then, she did indeed begin taking the drug, an experience she has now recorded in her own book A Really Good Day: How Microdosing Made a Mega Difference in My Mood, My Marriage, and My Life. Its publication is certain to cause controversy. In fact, the madness has already begun. When we speak via Skype, a month or so before it arrives in bookshops, she tells me that only a few days earlier an excitable reporter got in touch to inform her that his editor had given him permission to drop acid with Ayelet Waldman. (Her response to his question about when they might schedule this journalistic endeavour was: Like, never.)

Loved up: Waldman and husband Michael Chabon. Photograph: Albert L Ortega/WireImage

Attitudes to drugs in America are irrespective of those states that have legalised cannabis far from liberal. Trump has appointed to the Department of Justice a war-on-drugs advocate [the Alabama senator, Jeff Sessions] who is so retrograde in his thinking, he believes the US suffers from an under-incarceration problem, she says. Its for this reason that she wont reveal when her experiment ended: there is a three-year statute of limitations on drugs charges. Do I think a white, middle-class lady will be high on his list of targets? No. But in this crazy new world we live in, you cant be too careful.

Its reception will also doubtless be muddied by the fact that she is its author. In America, Waldman is well known as an acclaimed writer in her own right and as the wife of the Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist Michael Chabon, to whom she has been married since 1993. When she writes about herself, moreover and this is something she does a great deal in A Really Good Day people have a tendency to respond with unnerving fury.

Most famously, this was the case in 2005, when the New York Times published her essay Motherlove, in which she declared that she loved her husband more than her children (If a good mother is one who loves her child more than anyone else in the world, I am not a good mother. I am in fact a bad mother.) In the days that followed, ABCs daytime show The View hosted an unaccountably vitriolic debate about Waldman, her neighbours could be heard tearing her to shreds in Starbucks, and her inbox filled with emails from strangers threatening to report her to social services, the better that her children might be taken away.

Waldman is clever and funny and open-hearted. But as she readily admits, even her more sympathetic readers may sometimes have cause to wonder, in the case of A Really Good Day, which aspects of her behaviour her compulsion to tell the world things that others might prefer to keep private among them are simply the result of her personality, and which can be attributed to her illness. It is hard to distinguish between them, she says, almost wonderingly.

Still, she is probably better placed, now, to cope with any onslaught. Waldman is no longer using LSD her experiment really did last for only a month but its effects have, in some ways, been lasting. I miss its anti-depressant quality, and I miss the way it made me focus. It was like Ritalin [a drug commonly prescribed in the US to children with ADHD] without the side effects, which is frankly incredible. But that month got me out of a dark place. Within the first couple of doses, it was like the computer of my brain had been restarted. I was still moody. I had some really good days, but there were also crappy days, and days when it was just the normal shit. Somehow, though, the bad days were not hellish days, and so I had the capacity to work on issues I just couldnt before. Sure, I was hoping for joy. What I got instead was enough distance from the pain I was in to work on the things that were causing it.

Expand your mind: 1960s LSD advocate Dr Timothy Leary, who advised us to turn on, tune in, drop out. Photograph: AP

That work continues. Im still not on an even keel. Im still struggling with my moods. But Im committed to that. Im doing a new kind of therapy that is working quite well, even if not quite so well as it might be if I was still microdosing. If someone sends her a mean tweet in the coming weeks, she is unlikely to respond as venomously as she might once have done, or even at all.

Given its benign effect on her, why didnt she just find herself a new supplier, and continue taking it? There were, she says, two reasons. The first was her complete inability to purchase illegal drugs: towards the end of her book, she describes how, having made contact by text with a dealer, she panics, having convinced herself that Lucy is a police informant. The second was her determination to write a book about her experience: for that to be safe, she had to no longer be using.

If I could have overcome those things, there is no doubt in my mind that I would have carried on. Of course, it might not have kept working; Ive been on medication before that seemed to be working, and then wasnt. But if it was to be made legal, Id be the first in the queue, and I periodically remind myself that, if I get desperate again, I do have the option.

Her book is well-researched and, in the matter of LSD itself, careful and no-nonsense. The drug, a variation on the ergotamine molecule (ergot is the fungus responsible for the disease known in the Middle Ages as St Anthonys Fire) which was first synthesised in Basel in 1938 by Dr Albert Hofmann, has, she argues, an undeservedly bad reputation. The scare stories it trails of young men and women whose LSD hallucinations lead them to jump off high buildings have little basis in reality. Rather, they are largely the result of conservative Americas response to the 1960s counterculture, to Timothy Learys suggestion that people turn on, tune in, drop out. Twenty million people have used it in the US, and millions more around the world, with no ill effects at all.

Its complicated, but when it comes to the drugs possible use in the treatment of mental illness, what you need to know is that LSD stimulates the 5-HT2A serotonin receptor, which in turn leads to the stimulation both of brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF), something a pharmacologist described to her as like Miracle-Gro for the brain It stimulates growth, connections, and activity, and of glutamate, the neurotransmitter most responsible for brain functions, such as cognition, learning and memory. (Hence its supposed new-found popularity in Silicon Valley, though Waldman thinks that, in reality, there are more magazine articles about tech dudes using LSD than there are, well, tech dudes using LSD: If there were some mass secret movement, it would have been a lot easier for to get hold of my drugs.)

She believes that during her experiment her neuroplasticity was enhanced, and that this didnt only enable her to work for hours at a time, to achieve a real sense of flow at her desk, but that it also made her happier and less impulsive. What little research has been done backs her up a study at Imperial College London showed that even a single dose of LSD produced robust psychological effects though scientists still dont fully understand the relationship between what happens in the brain, and the psyche.

Why isnt more research carried out? The simple truth is that LSD still carries with it a lot of leftover political baggage. During the writing of her book, the few researchers sanctioned by the FDA (Food & Drug Administration) who are out there were reluctant to allow Waldman to quote them, fearing that to associate themselves with a personal experiment would tarnish their hard-won credibility.

So far, so good. However, when her book is on more personal territory, as it frequently is, Waldman is vastly less cautious, and for the reader especially, perhaps, the British reader this can be, well, excruciating. I know! she says, when I tell her this. Can you imagine what it would be like for me if I lived in London? Chabon, a feminist with whom she shares the childcare, has the power of veto over everything she writes. But because hes a writer, too, this seems not to be something he often invokes. In A Really Good Day, nothing is out of bounds, from their agonising couples therapy (My husbands eyes filled I collapsed in his arms, crying so hard I soaked his shirt), to their sex life (I know you love me, I said, as we made love), to their periodic use of MDMA, aka ecstasy, as a way of opening up their lines of connection. What we did was talk, she writes, of the first time they tried it, in a hotel room theyd booked specifically for the purpose. For six hours, we talked about our feelings for each other, why we love each other, how we loved each other.

Waldman reveals that her moods can be triggered by everything from her writerly insecurities, to the dog, to the sound of her husband eating nuts (she suffers from misophonia, or selective sound sensitivity syndrome): I handed him a handful of almonds, and walked out of the kitchen I heard a crunch, the smack of lips; I felt a wave of anger. She is also fed up that her husband earns more than her, and that she has to share his writing studio, which has an uncomfortable couch: Though hes welcomed me in, I feel like a girlfriend whos been given a drawer in the bachelor pad bathroom. Poor Michael Chabon. The reader begins to feel he is some kind of saint.

Well, he is somewhat saintly, Waldman says. He makes my friends crazy. He gives great gifts. He has impeccable taste in clothes and jewellery. He is a know-it-all, but then, he does sort of know everything. Hes misanthropic, in that we [the family] are all he has space for; he doesnt have any close friends, which I think he would benefit from. I was about to say that hes far better than I deserve, but thats the pathology speaking, because I am a very good wife for him.

Isnt he ever mean to her? Yeah, sure he is. He encouraged her to embark on LSD experiment because he was desperate, too.

Before we hang up, I have to ask: does she ever worry her extraordinarily intense relationship with Chabon on Twitter she has been known to post pictures of her husband, along with a line informing her 15,800 followers just how much she loves him might be another symptom of her illness? For the first time in our conversation, she is hesitant. The gale of her voice drops to a light breeze.

Yeah, I have thought about this. I have said to him: If I were to get healthy, would I still love you, and would you still love me? There is a way that Ive confused needing with loving. I dont want to sound like a Hallmark card, but love is [supposed to be] unselfish, and in my most internal, whirling dark places, I think I need him so badly because he takes care of me, protects me, makes me feel safe. One of the things that saved our marriage in that [dark] period was when I brutally tried to disentangle those things.

The upshot is that she thinks, now, perhaps its OK to need him. After the LSD, when I was having this intense new therapy, I took a drive one night in northern California, where the countryside is very beautiful. I had this thought: maybe I dont love him after all. It was terrifying, and I was crying. But then the phone rang, and it was him. How did she feel then? His voice filled me like a glass of water.

People have been curious, even excited: an extract from A Really Good Day

A fewdays ago, I began tentatively to tell people about this experiment. To my surprise, I encountered few negative reactions. Every once in a while a listener might arch an eyebrow or smile uncomfortably, as if trying to figure out whether her discomfort meant that she wasnt hip enough, or whether I really was nuts. But those have been in the decided minority. Most people have been curious, even excited.

Those with histories of mood disorders were intrigued to hear that my spirits have lifted, that though I sometimes feel the familiar clutch of anxiety in my chest, I am generally able to use mindfulness techniques to make it dissolve. When I told them that I have not gained weight and that my libido has not withered away, they got really excited. The side effects of SSRIs are so ubiquitous and unpleasant that the idea of a medication protocol with fewer of them is thrilling.

Friends who incline to the spiritual were disappointed when they heard that Ive experienced no connection to the divine, but reassured when I mention the pleasure Ive taken in the natural world, the tree outside my window, the smell of the jasmine beside the city sidewalks. Risk takers and hedonists were disappointed that I was unable to provide details of hallucinations. No kaleidoscopic colours, they asked wistfully, no feeling that the floor was shifting beneath your feet? I live in California. The last thing I want to feel is the floor shifting beneath my feet. They urged me to try a real dose. It would change my life, they said, as though my problem is that my life has been too devoid of weirdness. Besides, my life is changing.

Tonight, however, was a different story. These two writer friends are about 20 years older than my husband and me, which puts them firmly in the boomer generation. They were in their 20s in the 1960s. Theyve travelled the world, rejected a life of secure conformity in favour of the risks and rewards of art. What better people to confide in? I thought.

Well, I said, Ive been writing, but not working on a novel. Ive been writing about microdosing with LSD.

What does that mean, the woman of the pair asked? Are you writing some kind of nonfiction article on people who use LSD?

I took a breath and then explained.

Her face froze. If she had been wearing pearls, she would have clutched them. She looked horrified, even disgusted, as if Id told her that Id taken up murdering baby seals. Her husbands reaction was only slightly less disturbing. He smiled uncomfortably and changed the subject. I immediately agreed, yes, the antipasto was delicious, and, no, I didnt want any more.

Their reaction launched a series of cascading anxieties. Will I be condemned for doing this? Will people reject me as a nutcase, a crank, a deluded acid freak? Will I lose whatever credibility I have in the world? Will parents not let their children come over to our house any more, under the misapprehension that I keep drugs in my home?

As soon as dinner was over, I tried the technique for dissipating anxiety that my cognitive behavioural therapist recommends. I took a few deep breaths, exhaling for half again as long as I inhaled. My chest and throat unclenched. The anxiety ebbed. I was calm again. I was OK.

Also, I had some perspective. This couple were young in the 1960s, when Timothy Leary was spreading the gospel of psychedelic recklessness. For all I know, they had complicated histories with the drug that influenced how they responded to me. In all likelihood, their discomfort had far more to do with them than with me.

A Really Good Day: How Microdosing Made a Mega Difference in My Mood, My Marriage, and My Life by Ayelet Waldman is published by Corsair at 13.99. To order a copy, go to bookshop.theguardian.com