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myafterlifeisbetterthenyours · 3 years

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OBSESSIVE STOLAS x Male Imp Pt.2

(This is a long fanfic and will consist of multiple parts. This part will have badly written smut.)

Stolas' face mmediately lit up, the owls fethers puffing up as giddiness over came him.

Grabbing your face he pulled you in for a deep kiss before turning on the spot and going over to lock the door.

Turning back to you, Stolas targeted you with a preditory gaze.

You Beckoned him to you with a lone finger, a sultry smile on your face.

Stolas chest swol with pep as he made his way to you with slow seductive steps. His highness shed his royal attire piece by piece along the way.

He stood before you, bare to the world. The sight leaves you breathless, as you stared up at him in all his natural glory its as though you were gazing up at some icon of desire.

The prince looked down at you, lust clear in his eyes as he leered himself over you.

Stolas smiled down at you, his hand coming down and slowly undoing your pants, teasingly sliding his hand into your underwear pulled out your swollen member.

The demonic prince relished having you in his grasp. Your scent, your warmth, he couldnt help himself as he leaned down and quickly engulfed your entire length.

The Prince moaned as your taste hit his tongue.

You could barely stay coherent as Stolas put all his skill into bringing you as much pleasure as possible. Absolutely entranced with your every moan and gasp.

'Stolas, aah, I'm-I'm real close.' You mewld, moments before you exploded in his mouth.

Stolas was enraptured with your taste, drinking it down like it was ambrosia.

You slid your hand down his face, basking in your all to rare afterglow. Stolas' face had never seemed so beautiful in your hazy gaze.

Sitting up, you grab Stolas by the jaw and pulled him into a kiss. Despite tasting yourself in his mouth, you didn't faulter in the kiss, pulling him deeper, pulling him back until he was practically laying on you.

Stolas quickly eclipsed your passion with his own, dominating the kiss.

You pulled stolas against you, your bodies grinding against each other.

Stolas was in absolute rapture. The feeling of you against him sent wave after wave of pleasure throughout his body with your every touch.

You pulled him closer, burrying your face in his chest fluff and taking in his scent, the act you both found extremely arousing.

Squeezing Stolas close, you prop your legs up on either side of his slender body.

Before in a quick move, you manage to flip the Demonic prince underneith you.

While initially shocked, he your ability to manhandle him so easily was quite arousing.

Looking up at you, it was his turn to be captivated by your domineering presence as you loomed over him.

Running a hand down his stomach, to rest on his thigh. Leaning down you left a trail of kisses down his neck, before whispering into his ear 'My turn~'

Without further explanation you climbed off of him.

Stolas whinned at the loss of your warmth, but his quickly perked up as he felt you slip between his thighs.

Slipping between his thighs, you come face to face with... well not what you thought a demon Prince would have.

In place of the typical male genitalia sat in its place a cloaca (Birds have them, its weird) giving him a feminine appearance at first glance.

You stood there, unsure of how to approach.

Noticing your lack of movement, Stolas sat up, finding your unsure state.

Feeling embarrassed, stolas rubbed the back of his head 'S-sorry, I... I should have told you about that. Its natural for the Ars Goetia of my family but... I understand if you dont-'

But before he could finish his thoughts you buried your face in his crotch. Stolas released a rather effeminate gasp before it was quickly morphed into a deep moan.

You were no expert in mouth-tongue oral pleasure, But you lacked in experience you more then made up for with enthusiasm and a nearly foot long tongue certainly helped.

Something Stolas greatly appreciated.

Stolas had never experienced such gratification. He hadn't received this much pleasure in years, not even Blitzy...

no, It's Blitzø now.

Not even Blitzø's usual rough and tumble style in bed could bring him this much pleasure.

Despite your crude technique, Stolas was quickly nearing climax.

You could tell Stolas was close, because his exclamations progressively became more and more vulgar, his hands coming to the back of your head.

You just focused on eliciting as much pleasure from the owl as possible. Pushing your tongue as deep as possible, Stolas cried.

His hands clasped the back of your head as gush of salty liquid. After a several moments of pressure to the back of your head stolas went limp, releasing you.

Taking a moment to catch your breath you stood up, licking your lips, giving your neck a big stretch.

Looking up, you found Stolas in a seemingly intoxicated state.

The owl laid there quietly moaning incoherent thoughts to himself.

Looking over the prince, you could help but find his dishevelled look deeply arrousing. The rugged state of his feathers across his chest were particularly appealing.

Looking down the sight of his still aroused... Princehood. The sight immediately shot a new wave of arousal south.

Looking up I found Stolas still in his little haze.

Your eyes trailed his body, something passes through your head.

An idea.

An awful idea.

A wonderful, awful idea.

Moving forward you slide your hads along his hips, before moving forward and pushing your arousal against his own. As soon as they touched Stolas' entire body froze.

Stolas slowly sat up, he loomed over you, radiating an aura of absolute dominance you would only find amongst the Ars Goetia Royalty.

You look up, meeting his domineering gaze,

his preditory crimson gaze making you feel like a mouse before a hawk.

Moving without thought you moved forwards, grinding your Imphood against his now more then eager honeypot.

The bolt of pleasure that shot through you both, caused you to moan.

Looking the Owl in the eyes, you silently asked for permission. Stolas leaning forward, laying a kiss on you lips before placing his head against your own.

A silent nod was all the answer you needed, as you wrapped your hands around his thighs and plunged forward into Stolas' warm depth.

You moaned deeply, bodies paralysed in pure pleasure.

It took a moment, but eventually you adjusted to the burning hot pleasure.

Stolas leaned back on his elbows, looking down at you he wrapped his legs around your waist. Taking this as permission, you began a slowly thrust, in and out.

You knew what Blitzø is like, he was loud, rough and unapologetic. You can only imagine he'd be the same in bed.

But it wasn't gonna be like that this time. You love Blitzø, he was a great guy and always did right by you. But afte everything Stolas went through, he deserved to feel the more intimate side of sex with someone who cared for him, and that someone was you.

You didn't rush it. In fact you took your sweet time, working into a steady pace.

You explore his body with your hands, fingers lingering on the most sensitive parts, memorizing the feeling of eqch inch of his body you could, leaving gentle kisses across his stomach and chest.

Your mind enters into an almost robotic focus, all energy dedicated purely on the singular act of bringing Stolas as much pleasure as possible.

Stolas whole body was awash with mind melting pleasure.

Stolas was in bliss.

He was so unsure of how to handle this new kind of pleasure he was receiving. Stolas had never felt this passion before.

Not even on that first night with Blitzø.

Not even when he thought Blitzø genuinely cared for him did it come close to feeling this good.

But now he knew the truth... Blitzø didn't care for him.

He just wanted his grimoire.

Blitzø didn't care for anything but himself.

But he didn't need Blitzø anymore, He had someone who loved him, now he had you...

#helluva stolas #helluva boss #x reader #headcanon #helluva boss headcanon #helluva boss x reader #stolas x reader #stolas

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my-writings-and-musings · 3 years

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Hello! Thank you for answering my Ravage request, I love it so much! Also your last Rodimus prompt really helped me yesterday, thank you.

Can I request some headcanons about how would Megatron, Swerve and Rung react to love confession from their human crush? Free to ignore it if there's too many characters

(sorry if it's not okay to send more than one request in such short amount of time)

Yay I'm glad that you liked what I wrote and that some of my other stuff helped you out! Sorry for the delay in answering these, I've been quite surprised by the volume in my inbox! I have three lovely bots reacting to love here, and feel free to send in requests so long as my inbox is open!

Megatron

·The confession thankfully occurs while he's seated, as the impact force of a thirty foot mech collapsing to the floor would have been... considerable. That's not to say his physical reaction is at all subtle though. Eons of combat training and discipline dissapear in a flash and his expression shows the full extent of his shock. Was he dreaming? Or did his audials need repair? There must be some confusion, because he's fairly certain the little human on his desk just said that they loved him. No matter his own considerable feelings for them, he must be considerably mistaken, because that would simply be impossible.

·Except it isn't impossible. In fact, it's the truth, you tell him more than a few times over once he starts asking if you're confused or perhaps unwell. He wants to be elated, but a lifetime of training keeps that reaction well contained, as he knows from experience that these things simply cannot happen to bots like himself. Kneeling before the table you stand on, he tries not to sound pitiful or ungrateful as he requests clarification one final time, saying that he couldn't possibly expect love from one who had so much to hate him for.

·You're firm but as gentle as you might be with a fragile bit of glass as you make it undeniably clear; you love him. The only thing you're unsure of, and hoping to find out yourself, is whether or not he feels the same. All the expectation in your eyes compels him to act as impulsively as a sparkling, and he emphatically returns your feelings in a hushed reply, raising a tender hand to hold your little body in the rush of emotion shooting through him.

·There's a moment of icy reality to stop him in his tracks. Don't you know what he's done? What being with him could put you at risk of? That there's nothing to be gained from entangling yourself in the mess he's made of his life? Well accustomed to this behavior, you stand your ground and look him square in the optics, affirming that you're well aware of everything he's just said, but that the only thing you want from him is him, so everything you must endure in relation to him is already worth the struggle. In a rare burst of emotion he pulls your little body to his chest for the gentlest of hugs.

·He laughs for the first time in what has to be eons. There's the smallest hint of a fog in his optics as you find yourself tearing up too, overwhelmed by this hulking bot finally opening up to you completely and just being happy. For his part, he can't truly believe any of this is yet real, but he isn't going to bother with that for now. To know you love him is the greatest peace he's ever experienced, but also the most invigorating kind of euphoria. There's youthful hope in his spark again, encouraging his desire to explore and experience the wonders of life now that he has you at his side, but for this single moment he's content to just... be. One bot, one human, embracing through their laughter and tears.

Swerve

·Somehow he forgets he was polishing a glass at all in the second it takes for it to shatter upon impact with the ground. You had been talking, going round in a way that suggested you were intent on getting to a particular topic, but then...? The glass is forgotten as he gently cuts off your attempt at an apology, spark pulsing and voicebox constricting as he asks you to repeat yourself, looking like he's terrified beyond all belief as he does so. A kind of fear he hasn't felt in a long time prevents him from pretending to be okay like he's so used to doing.

·At your careful reassurance that you did indeed say you love him, and that you meant it, he speaks so softly in response you can barely hear him. The questions he whispers are slow and deliberate, and if he could see anything but you he'd be grateful no one else is present to witness him acting so... shy. He has to make sure though, because it just doesn't seem possible; you love him? Beautiful, intelligent, funny, caring you is in love with... him? But he loves you too, and that means you love each other, and how is that possible?!

·Disbelief slowly melts into a happiness he's afraid to let in only because it's so foreign to him, but bit by bit he begins to realize this is actually happening, and his lonely spark lets the feeling in. Tears start to drop from his foggy visor as a trembling smile pulls up his cheeks, compelling you to reach out from your spot on the bar and invite him into a comforting hug. While he clarifies that he's never felt better, he still happily takes the hug, pulling in your tiny body with his large servos and carefully holding you close.

·Feeling the warmth of you against him sends another wave of beautiful confirmation through him; this is real. The loneliness that always plagued his spark seems insignificant now, as if he's gained a kind of perspective just knowing someone like you could care so deeply for him. All of his friends, all of his patrons, and you at the very center of it all... Why wasn't he ever able to see just how much warmth and goodness there was before this moment?

·Tears are streaming down his face when he lets you go, and at your concern he assures you it's nothing to worry about. There are more questions, but they're happy now, and he's smiling like never before as you dutifully answer every query whilst dabbing his cheeks with a towel that's blanket sized for you. He wants to know; when did you start to have feelings? Does this mean you really don't mind his jokes? Can he tell the others? Is he handsome by human standards? There's so much for him to say but, for once, no rush to say it. Somehow he's finally realized that he doesn't need to talk to get your attention, he just needs to be himself, and the banter is simply a lovely bonus.

Rung

·Though he's certain he misheard, he removes his glasses almost on instinct, looking to the little lifeform he's grown so close to with an unguarded expression of apprehension tinged with hope, gentle but rarely seen optics looking to you with that vulnerability he keeps so well hidden from everyone else. You only remain silent because you briefly lose yourself in his gaze, which is as desperate as it is due to him wanting so badly to believe he did indeed just hear what he's uncertain is actually possible. The request for you to repeat is so soft it's barely audible. Thin digits try to polish his lenses as is his custom when concealing stress, but he fumbles so frequently he has to cease just as he begins.

·You stand near the edge of the table, speaking slowly and clearly so there can be no misunderstanding. The confession is indeed irrefutable this time around, the simple words breaking the silence with their surprising weight and drawing a tiny gasp from him in the process. His hand over his mouth prevents further exclamations, though he's certainly not capable of making any in his current state. Something in the depths of his being has always yearned for this, but he never dared to even dream it could happen, that he could love and in return be loved.

·Tears on his precious face spur you to act, if only because they're absolutely heartbreaking, but as he moves his hand from his mouth you see that despite his sobs he's absolutely beaming. You're surprised even further when he laughs through the tears, and at your prompting says that he's just overwhelmed. You, wonderful and thoughtful and brilliantly unique little you, in love with the bot no one can remember? What has he ever done to be this fortunate? Admittedly he's not fully convinced that this isn't a dream, but he has no intention of letting that stop him from basking in this wonderful feeling.

·You can't help but cry a little too, seeing him overwhelmed in a way you never could have anticipated. Tiny human hands take his offered servo and guide the tip of his digit to brush adoringly over your cheek, just as he so often does, but you notice that for the first time ever there's no hesitation to the action. There's only pure, serene affection. Looking into his optics, you see a mech almost made new, as if the validation you give him just by existing and loving him has changed his entire outlook on life. For a bot who does so much for others, you can't even begin to describe how wonderful it is to give him that peace.

·Still as bashful as they come, he blushes when you move in to embrace him from the tables edge on a whim, but the sheepish hesitation quickly gives way to a mutual hug. The hum of his spark is almost melodic in your ears as you press your head into his warm chest. Your tiny heartbeat, just perceptible to the servo he has cradling you close, is equally jubilant to his touch. The beauty of it all is almost enough to make him dizzy; for the first time in his life he feels truly seen, truly heard, truly here. Reality is still moving just as it was before, but now he genuinely feels like he is a part of it all, here with you in his loving arms. You make him certain that he's worth remembering.

#transformers #transformers headcanon #more than meets the eye #mtmte #lost light #idw #tf #maccadam #my asks #anon #requests #my writing #megatron x reader #rung x reader #swerve x reader #human reader #self insert

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chibinekochan · 3 years

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How to become a Demon Ruler 109

Part: 01 I 02 I 03 I 04 I 05 I 06 I 07 I 08

GN. Reader insert

taglist: @ayesha95 ; @nomnomcupcakesworld ; @fex-phoenix ; @depressed-bixch ; @kitsune-oji

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With a slight spring in my step, I head to dinner.

"Good evening Diavolo and Barbatos." I happily greet them both.

Barbatos gives me his signature smile.

Diavolo lights up as soon as he sees me. "You look like you had a great time."

"Yeah, I was a bit nervous, but I think I made my first friend." I smile with some pride.

"That's great to hear. To be honest I was a bit worried that you might feel lonely." Diavolo looks like a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders.

"I'm very happy for you. Even when I hope you choose your friends more carefully." Barbatos sighs just a bit.

My guess is, that Mammon is a bit of a troublemaker. "There is no need to worry. I mean I have you and Barbatos. I only know you for a few days, but you are both very dear to me." It's a bit embarrassing to say out loud.

Both seem equally surprised by my words.

"It's the greatest honor to be regarded as your friend." Barbatos is the first to respond. It's a bit hard to tell his true thoughts, but he looks very happy to me.

"I feel the same way. I hope we will become even closer. It's funny to think that it's not even been a week yet, but I can't even imagine the castle without your presence." Diavolo’s smile seems to glow even brighter than usual.

I might need sunglasses at this point.

Despite this, his words feel warm inside my chest. "I feel the same way. I think I never even realized how lonely my life truly was."

I smile a bit sad but also happy at the same time.

Then I feel a hand on my shoulder. "Worry not, your days alone are over." Barbatos’ words are unusually tender. My smile brightens at his words.

"I hug him. Who could say no to him?

Barbatos chuckles behind me. This must be a very strange sight, to be honest.

I don't mind since hugging Diavolo feels much better than I expected. He is very warm, much like his big hands.

I bet I could use my whole human strength, and he wouldn't even wince. He might even enjoy a good bear hug, maybe next time.

I let go of Diavolo, who kind of looks like he wants more hugs but doesn't say a word. Instead, he just smiles at me.

"Well now, where we are even you should finish today's work." Barbatos is back to smile as usual. Diavolo sighs.

"Fine, I will go back to work." His shoulders slump.

Barbatos shakes his head.

"I know it's late, but I would recommend that you read a bit in the library. There is much to learn. Especially with our tight schedule." Barbatos talks gently to me.

"You are probably right. I need some caffeine for that." I can only imagine the stack of books that Barbatos wants me to read.

"I will make you some. Please go ahead." Barbatos still has some tasks to do, and I appreciate the offer.

"Okay." So I head to the library and find a menacing stack of books.

After some reading, I hear Barbatos arriving with my fuel.

I give him a thankful look. "I have been waiting for this."

Barbatos chuckles. "If only everyone would be so excited about coffee."

I decide to take a small break and now that I'm alone with Barbatos it's the perfect opportunity to ask him about what Mammon told me earlier.

"Do you want to join me for a cup?" I offer Barbatos the seat across from me.

"I would be delighted." He sits down and pours himself a cup.

I let him drink a sip and then get straight to the topic that's on my mind. "To be honest there is something that I want to ask you about."

"Please go right ahead." He obviously doesn't mind.

"The question I have is pretty personal, so you don't have to answer." I don't want him to be uncomfortable or reveal something that he shouldn't.

Barbatos raises his eyebrows. "There is no need to worry about my comfort."

I can only imagine what he thinks I'm about to ask.

"I just heard something about Diavolo possibly dating Lucifer. I'm curious if that's true?" There is no talking around my question.

Barbatos' eyes widen for a moment, and then he starts to smirk devilishly. "I can imagine who brought you to ask this, but I wonder why you would care about such a thing?"

For the first time since I know him, I believe that he is a demon.

"I care for his well-being." I avoid his gaze.

Barbatos seems to be very amused. "Is that so?" He gazes into my eyes, like doing so will reveal my true thoughts to him. "You don't need to worry about their relationship at all." He is very vague.

"What do you mean by that?" I ask, feeling very frustrated.

"Hmm, that is a good question." Barbatos is just teasing me now. I never thought he would do this to me. I puff my cheeks.

This causes Barbatos to laugh. "I'm sorry master. They aren't dating at all. I'd say they are friends with much baggage." With the biggest grin, he flat out tells me the truth.

"I see, so they have a long history. I guess it would be fair to ask them about that." I feel much better now knowing this.

"Now I have to wonder if you might be interested in the young lord?" He looks at me with a pretty intense gaze.

Now it's my turn to be surprised by a question. I almost spit my drink out.

"Umm, well I mean… it's not like I don't like him, but I barely know him and want to make sure that I don't fall for someone that is already taken." I'd hate wasting my time and emotions on a pointless endeavor.

A smile forms on Barbatos’ face. "That is very smart of you. I would support your future together."

"As much as I appreciate your support, I haven't fallen for him yet and there might be other people that I'm possibly interested in." I feel the need to correct Barbatos on his assumptions.

He looks once again surprised. "I hope you don't include Mammon on that list." He must disapprove of Mammon.

"Of course not. I'm not known to fall easily for people." I shake my head. Not only that, but I have only seen Mammon once after all.

Barbatos then thinks deeply. "But who else is there?" He doesn't realize the obvious answer. I have always seen him as a very smart, possibly cunning, man. Yet here he is completely oblivious.

I narrow my eyes in frustration. "Look in a mirror."

"Hmm? You couldn't possibly mean…" Barbatos looks utterly and completely lost. I wonder if he looked like this when I hugged him earlier.

I sigh deeply. "Believe it or not, but you are on that list." I can't even really call it a list with two people on it.

Barbatos almost seems to gasp for air. "As flattering as this is, please reconsider. I'm no worthy match for someone of your standing."

"Just because I got forcefully adopted doesn't make me royalty, but I apologize for making you uncomfortable." I assume that he simply wants to shoot me gently down.

"You are royalty in my opinion, and I appreciate your consideration. I simply have to think about what is best for your future. I'm merely a humble servant and as such completely unfitting to be your partner." Barbatos sounds completely logical. I'm unsure how to feel about him seeing me as royalty.

"I don't care what other people might think about whom I love or not. To me, it's only important that we are a great match. Of course, I understand that you might not be interested in me." This would only make sense. He might not even be interested in dating at all.

“You are certainly interesting, and I can see you fighting whoever doesn’t accept your relationship. I might be worried about nothing.” He gives me a small smile.

“Of course, besides if, I’m the demon ruler there is no way I'd let anyone tell me who I'm allowed to marry or not. If there is a rule against it, I will simply change it.” I shrug with a small giggle.

Barbatos gives me a chuckle. “I fear for anyone that would dare to oppose you.” His eyes meet mine again. It feels somehow very tender. “Don't forget that I will always be at your side no matter what you wish to accomplish.”

I ponder the weight and meaning of these words. My heart beats faster for some reason.

Before I can give him a proper response the library door opens with great force.

I back a bit off, seeing that I somehow became quite close with Barbatos during our conversation. I hadn't even noticed until this moment.

I then look towards the door and see it's Diavolo. He has his trademark smile and looks very energetic. At least until he notices that I'm relaxing with Barbatos.

"Ah, here you are." He looks at Barbatos, who turned towards him.

"Have you been looking for me?" Barbatos seems slightly surprised.

"No, I was looking for my sibling. Since I finally managed to get everything done." Diavolo boasts without a hint of shame.

"This is certainly an evening to rejoice." Barbatos seems genuinely pleased, but it's a pretty obvious snide remark.

"Yes, it is! I hope I didn't interrupt anything." Diavolo doesn't seem to notice the snaky undertone and just casually sits down next to me.

"No need to worry. We just were talking about their goals after becoming the demon ruler." Barbatos grins slightly.

While not a lie it's not the truth either.

"Really? Now that is something I'm very interested in." Diavolo is seriously interested.

It makes me feel quite guilty. "I was only saying that I'd change rules if they would forbid me from loving whom I wish to love."

Diavolo looks at me in awe. "So you have a potential prospect to marry? You certainly move quickly. Or is it a fellow human?"

"No, there is no such person right now. I had nobody when I lived in the human realm. I was only talking hypothetically." I sigh, I can only wonder how Diavolo thinks of me.

"Ahh, well, I'd abolish any rule that would inconvenience you anyway. So no need to worry about that." Somehow Diavolo looks relieved.

"That is very kind of you. Even when it might be a bit reckless to say." I can picture him just changing rules on a whim without thinking about the consequences.

"I have to agree on that." Barbatos calmly keeps drinking his tea. Without a worry about anything. I have no idea how he can do this.

"You might be right, but if it's for you, I don't care." Diavolo shrugs.

How can he just say things like this?

I look at him, feeling very baffled but also slightly amazed.

I glance at Barbatos looking for some reaction. He just crooks his head and calmly smiles at me, as if to ask me what I want.

"I guess in that case I'll be careful what I ask of you." This seems to be the best solution.

"That is wise of you. You should make sure to gain knowledge as well. So you can request everything you desire without causing havoc." Barbatos casually shoves the stack of books towards me.

"I'd rather accomplish my goals by working hard, but you are right. I need more knowledge for that." I can't stand the idea of getting everything handed to me on a silver platter.

"I'd love to hear more about these goals." Diavolo beams at me with great expecting eyes.

Barbatos is also strangely focused on me. It's pretty embarrassing.

"Well, my first goal is to survive the party and then my education." It's not a grand plan, but it's important.

"That is a very reasonable goal. I'm sure you will be able to manage that. Of course, you still have some learning to do." Barbatos' taps on the books. He couldn't be more blatant even if he tried.

"Indeed I have full confidence in your abilities." Diavolo has zero doubts, which is encouraging, but I also feel the weight of his trust.

I guess I have no choice. "In that case, I will work hard." I look with dread at the books and then take one.

Barbatos smiles brightly, surely a sign of his victory.

"Do your best! I should go and check on the party preparations." Diavolo seems suddenly very motivated.

"You have a great effect on the young lord. I shall support him. Make sure you get plenty of rest." Barbatos beams with pride.

"I will, thank you both." I smile at them, but internally I'm crying.

So I study until my head is mush and then fall into a deep sleep.

I dream of letters chasing me.

#obey me #How to become a Demon Ruler #demon ruler 101 #omswd #obey me!#obey me shall we date #obey me fanfiction #obey me diavolo #obey me barbatos

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hexalt · 4 years

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Schitt’s Creek and the Transformative Power of Love

I first watched the pilot for Schitt’s Creek in the early part of 2019 and found it...eccentric. Not really funny, the characters weren’t speaking to me (except for Stevie (Emily Hampshire), whom I felt a kinship with), and the story seemed odd. I decided this show just wasn’t for me, and I had given it my best shot. Many months later, one of my best friends was posting about it frequently. Since we have the same taste, I thought maybe it was just the pilot. Maybe I should give it another shot. Maybe this time I’ll actually like it. So I started it from the pilot again, and I kept watching even if I wasn’t thoroughly entertained. I soon grew to love the two black sheep and having characters you understand always makes things easier.

What I didn’t realize when I started the show was that the characters were each more than they seem, they weren’t meant to be shallow jokes of themselves and their personas. The way they acted was often a façade hiding their insecurities of not being good enough in a variety of ways. The only other show that I’ve seen with a somewhat similar premise is Arrested Development, but there the characters are supposed to be absolutely ignorant, privileged assholes with no redeeming qualities.

I didn’t realize each season is better than the last, an astounding and rare feat in television. The quality of each season improves as the show quickly finds its footing by discarding early storylines that didn’t really work and letting the characters slowly becoming more grounded and open. This family that was once so distant that the parents didn’t even know their daughter’s middle name eventually develop genuine relationships for the first time with each other and other people.

Schitt’s Creek, co-created by father and son, Eugene (American Pie, Best in Show) and Dan Levy, wanted us to ultimately empathize with these characters, even if the remnants of their wealth can make them profoundly delusional and hilarious a lot of the time. Before writing the show, they created timelines going back to their characters’ elementary school years, detailing everything from where they worked to what they wore.

The fashion on the show is distinct and the best dressed I’ve seen in any show (and most films). Dan is huge into fashion and personally selects a lot of pieces worn in the show (some of David’s clothes are even from his own wardrobe). Instead of constantly telling the audience that this family used to be rich, we are reminded of it through Moira’s wall of wigs and couture black and white ensembles, David’s patterned black sweaters and low crotch pants, Alexis’s bohemian dresses and headbands, and Johnny��s array of business suits. When they enter any room in town, they are clearly fish out of water.

Schitt’s Creek centers on the Roses, a once-disgustingly wealthy family who lose their fortune and are forced to move to the only asset they have left: a small town named Schitt’s Creek that Johnny Rose (Eugene Levy) bought as a joke for his son, David (Dan Levy). So dilapidated is Schitt's Creek and so destitute are the Roses, they don't even have a house of their own; instead they are forced to live in a motel with two connecting rooms, forgoing all the luxury they had become accustomed to and, more terrifyingly, are now physically closer than ever.

While at first the family is horrified at the prospect of living in such a small town with townies, they eventually embrace the weirdness of the town, and it makes them grow in unexpected ways. Johnny was once the owner of the second-largest video rental store in the country and retains his businessman-like self through and through, but he also began the show more uppity. While he is often the most reasonable of the Roses, he often sees himself as above others in town and gets into awkward situations because of it. Over the course of the show he ends up developing a friendship with the town mayor to whom he initially had yelled “get the fuck out!” While he’s always devoted to his wife, he wasn’t so keen on his children, but being forced to live together makes him take a larger interest in their lives and become a better father.

Alexis (Annie Murphy) is the quintessential “dumb blonde” socialite who’s had a Schitt-ton of relationships with powerful men, making stories of her past highly entertaining, often illegal, and frequently frightening. She clearly grew up way too fast, never having had proper adult supervision. She’s reliant on men, and all she can think about in season one is trying to date cute guys. In the following seasons, she realizes it’s time to start growing up and gets her high school and Associate’s Degree to start her own PR business. She becomes a more enlightened version of herself, still deeply kind but also willing to put the happiness of others above her own. The Alexis who previously couldn’t see beyond her own nose becomes independent and more selfless.

David’s had hundreds of flings with people of all genders, but they seem to be replete with abuse, manipulation, and a lack of care for his being. This is unsurprising when we see how he hides his insecurity behind sarcasm and sometimes downplays things he doesn’t like to fit in. He fears showing kindness to anyone because others haven’t always been so kind to him. Early on, he has a panic attack and comes to the realization that he’s “really lonely here,” but he’s been lonely for a lot longer than that. What he doesn’t expect is to make his first best friend or find his soon-to-be husband in this backwater town. In the process, he learns to shed some of his armor.

Moira (Catherine O’Hara) was once on a soap opera, Sunrise Bay, and retains the melodrama in her day-to-day life and demeanor. She is constantly trying to become what she believes is a star: someone who acts in film, someone who everyone mourns when they die, someone who people will just pay one sliver of attention to. She’s desperately trying to cling to the spotlight, but in “Life is a Cabaret,” she finds what I believe will be her place come this final season. Rather than trying to constantly soak up attention, she gives Stevie the starring role in the town’s production of Cabaret (which Moira comes to direct) because getting that role was a “gift that once jolted [her] out of [her] little podunk routine.” From the wings of the stage, as Stevie slowly builds into “Maybe This Time” with such breathtaking passion and joy after starting off unsure and quiet, Moira is shocked at what she was able to bring out of Stevie. She’s finally realizing that her place isn’t center stage but in bringing out the best in others and helping them find their place in the world.

Stevie Budd begins as the desk clerk of the Schitt’s Creek motel until her great-aunt passes away, and she inherits the motel. From there she has to decide whether she’s ready to grow up and take over the family business, and she’s terrified. Johnny soon teams up with her in the business, renovating the motel and renaming it after both of them, so she sees the Roses aren’t going to abandon her. She is part of the Rose’s found family. Her and David are similar in their bluntness and sarcasm, but Stevie is insecure about never making it out of the town, never being more than a motel desk clerk, never having a long-term romantic relationship. She worries while everyone moves on with their lives, she’s “watching it all happen from behind the desk.”

Dan describes creating Schitt’s Creek as “writing a world that examines the transformational effects of love when the threat of hate and intolerance has been removed from the equation.” While homophobia is often front and center in any media depicting LGBT characters, Schitt’s Creek doesn’t give it as much thought. Where small towns are usually seen as ripe for homophobia, transphobia, and other discrimination, Schitt’s Creek doesn’t fall prey to this trope. Instead, this small town is bursting with love.

Dan purposely made David pansexual (it’s also the only show I’ve seen use the word) to challenge the viewer’s biases and push the boundaries of what it means to be masculine and feminine. David’s parents and others in the town never discuss it as anything strange or bad, it’s something he simply is and as common as the sky being blue. When David tells Stevie about his sexuality (“I like the wine, not the label”), she’s a bit surprised at first because she thought he was gay, but ultimately she doesn’t care.

This doesn’t mean the show never discusses what homophobia can be like, but it comes at it from a different lens.

For example, in “Meet the Parents,” David decides to throw a surprise birthday party for his boyfriend, Patrick Brewer (Noah Reid). What David doesn’t realize is Patrick hasn’t come out to his parents yet, they think David is solely his business partner. He tells David, “I know my parents are good people, I just...can’t shake this fear that there is a small chance that this could change everything.” David himself is prepared for homophobia from Patrick’s parents, but when they tell him they don’t care about that, just that he was hiding such an important part of himself from them, David who’s been trying to stay strong through it all wipes a tear.

“When I found myself in a position to tell stories on a global scale, I seized the opportunity to make a television show that might, in its own way, offer some support, encouragement and love to those who might not have it in their homes or in their schools or in their day to day lives. It’s a place where acceptance incubates joy and creates a clarity that allows people to see themselves and each other more deeply. It’s fiction, yes. But I’ve always been told to lead by example and this felt like a good place to start.”

— Dan Levy

I would be remiss to not touch on the comedic style of the show. This is a comedy that relies heavily on the physicality of its actors. Their facial expressions, accents and tonality, their limp wrists, each create uniquely funny characters with mannerisms unlike any I’ve seen. The cast brought nuance to the characters, when they could have easily fallen into vapid stereotypes.

As season 6 premiered on January 7, Schitt’s Creek is not done yet, and I can’t wait to see how its final season concludes. The characters are all happier now that they are achieving dreams they may not have known they had, they have fulfilling relationships with family and friends, and they all have grown into better people. Schitt’s Creek truly was their saving grace.

I’m in a TV group where we wrote essays on our favorite shows of the 2010s, so here is mine on Schitt’s Creek.

#schitt's creek #television #tv #lgbt #lgbtq #writing #mine #long post #*

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yunsoh · 4 years

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yuki’s character arc: gay subtext edition

this has probably been a while coming but i’m finally here to talk about the gay subtext in yuki’s story.

[a lil note before i get into things: i know takaya didn’t intend to include this subtext in his story, and with that this is very obviously getting into “death of the author” matters. however, the subtext, though unintentional, is still prevalent, and leads to both an interesting analysis of yuki’s character and, for many, a deeply relateable storyline regarding gender, compulsory heterosexuality, and being closeted.]

yuki’s character arc is, in large part, a story about self-understanding and self-acceptance. he starts off as a character unsure of his true qualities, or of his place in the world; he is self-conscious and driven by other people’s acceptance of him, which causes him to have deeply different private and public personas. he hides away his “real” character in part out of a fear of being disliked or ostracized, and in part because he is still struggling with accepting himself. the result is that he puts on an act to please others, playing a role that is not true to him, and a role that he knows is false, in order to be accepted. his story bears a distinct resemblance to stories and lives of people who struggle with accepting their sexuality: matters of hiding the true self out of fear of being misunderstood or abandoned, dealing with gender and gender expression, coming to terms with compulsory heterosexuality, and finding people who both accept and cultivate his true identity.

from the moment we’re introduced to him, we’re to understand that yuki has a distinct persona for his social and school life, which is in direct conflict with the persona he leads in his private home life. before even introducing our main protagonist tohru, takaya first introduces us to yuki in an omake -- he’s presented at home, surrounded by trash, and not bothered enough by it to take it out or care that it’s expanding.

it’s a short, but apt intro for his character. we know that people outside of his home circle call him “the prince,” and that he’s actually kind of a mess. we don’t know yet why people call him “the prince” (if it’s because of his looks, his family’s status, if he has a personality that seems princely in some way), or if his school friends (if he has any) refer to him this way, or what his family views him as in contrast to how he’s viewed at school. regardless, we do get to see the crux of yuki’s character and story straight away, even before the story has really started. yuki is someone who has conflicting personas between his private and social life, and considering that these do conflict so heavily, we can assume that the persona he shows at home (his “real” character, in a sense) is hidden from his peers.

we learn rather quickly from tohru, and her interactions with other girls at school, that he’s considered the “reigning prince” because of his beauty, his mystery (caused by him being rather distant from his peers despite his popularity), and his polite nature. we also understand him to be somewhat socially isolated, not of his own accord but because of his fan club “protecting” him, as well as the curse, which keeps him from being close to the girls who adore him anyway. this isolation is something that tohru herself doesn’t immediately perceive, but she comes to realize that he’s someone who not only bottles up his emotions, but cares deeply about what others think of him. he then admits to her his isolation, feeling caged by his family, and his struggles with getting close to others, saying:

“I wanted to have a ‘normal’ life, surrounded by ‘normal’ people. So I applied to a co-ed school and left home. But I couldn’t get out of the cage after all... I just wound up at another Sohma house. And I still can’t associate with ‘normal’ people. I don’t mean to turn them away, but some part of me can’t deal with people. I cut myself off from other people because I’m afraid of getting hurt, and because I’m [cursed]... I’m only being nice because I want people to like me... My being nice is entirely selfish.”

from this, we understand how he perceives his curse: it’s something distinctly socially isolating for him, and as it’s something he was born with and can’t be rid of, he feels unable to navigate his social life without leaning into the persona given to him, and expected of him, by his peers. however, although he feels as though the curse is what keeps him from associating with “normal” people, this is not a mutually understood feeling among all of the cursed sohmas. while the curse is something physically isolating (as they’re unable to hug or be closely intimate with the opposite gender), we see that the curse is interpreted by the zodiac members in different ways outside of this physical isolation. for kyo, it’s not an isolation from his peers as it is for yuki, but rather an isolation from his family, both cursed and immediate; for momiji, the curse isn’t socially isolating, as he doesn’t struggle with his peers, and he instead views it as something that bonds him to the other cursed sohmas when he has been abandoned by his parents. there are varying levels of accepting the curse among the family, and though they are bound by the same manner of physical isolation, how it manifests outside of that is different for each zodiac.

this is to say that yuki’s curse, and how he perceives it, follows the sentiment of being closeted. he feels unable to associate with “normal” people because of a part of him he is unable to control. he views his family, and his curse, as a cage, as something he wishes to escape but cannot run away from. this cage follows him when he attempts to integrate himself into a “normal” life, and thus causes him to further struggle with feelings of resentment towards the curse, as he perceives it as being central to his struggles of achieving social normalcy. meanwhile, from viewing how other cursed sohmas do not have this issue of social isolation, and can lead social lives that yuki would perceive as normal -- even if they, too, resent the curse, such as kyo -- we can take this to understand that yuki’s struggle with social isolation comes from a fear of being socially ostracized for this part of him that he can’t control.

he attempts to repress it via leaning into the social persona given to him by his peers, as acting as “the prince” retains his connection to others despite it being isolating in and of itself, via his fan club deeming him untouchable and harshly dissuading others from getting too close. his performance as “the prince” is as much a means of protection as it is to his detriment; he takes comfort in being liked by others, even though it is both superficial and goes beyond normal reasoning by encroaching on his personal boundaries (his fan club taking photos of him without his permission, stealing flowers he made for the culture festival, etc.), but is to his detriment as he feels he has to live up to this persona, which causes him to then hide his real self, and even become unsure of where the “real” yuki ends and “prince” yuki begins. by this i mean, he is shown to view the attributes given to him by his peers as false, because they aid in his false persona, and that he uses these attributes to gain the trust and liking of others -- this includes his kindness.

yuki’s low self-confidence and insecurity causes him to be unable to see the positive attributes that others see in him. as he understands that the attributes that lend to this princely persona include his kindness, he takes this to believe his kindness isn’t genuine, and that it’s merely a part of the act. it’s only when tohru, who is involved in both his social and private life, and has thus been the recipient of his kindness at school and at home, explains to him that his kindness is very much real and a part of him that he begins his journey in trying to understand himself.

it’s important to understand the intricacies of how yuki goes about viewing his personas, as he shows to not only hide his true self from others, but also lacks an understanding of himself. he struggles to find the precise line at which his true self ends and the prince begins; he believes that his bad attributes are his truth, while his positive attributes are reserved for the prince. this lack of personal understanding, and viewing himself in such a harsh and negative light, stems from his emotional and mental abuse sustained by his mother and akito. his mother insists that yuki is unable to make decisions for himself and, in making all of his major decisions for him (his attending prestigious compulsory schools, her adamance on selecting his college) gives him no foundation for building his self-esteem. akito’s possessive, cruel, and belittling attitude towards him further damages his self-esteem, as he believes her when she tells him that he is worthless and hated. in addition, both are the basis of his isolation and abandonment issues, which then stems into his need for his peers to like him -- causing him to repress his true self as he has come to believe it’s no good, and hanging onto the prince persona that is given to him even though it is, in itself, isolating. although the prince role makes him lonely, he hangs onto it because it is less isolating than the social isolation he experienced through his compulsory education, his isolation from his mother and brother, and far less isolating than the physical isolation he experienced from the “special room” akito kept him in.

it’s only when tohru coaxes him away from the idea that he isn’t genuinely kind, and becomes his friend, that he can begin to understand who he is outside of his family, the curse, and how his peers view him. rather than separate himself by private and social personas, he begins to grow into an identity that is applicable for both his private and social spheres. by the end of the story, the yuki who is shown at home, and the yuki who is shown at school, are much the same person.

included in this journey, too, are yuki’s issues with how others perceive his gender.

we see multiple times how people regard yuki’s appearance: they call him pretty, they question whether he’s a boy or a girl, and some are convinced he’s a girl until told otherwise. he’s dismayed by his looks, with kyo saying that he’s “really self-conscious about his pretty face,” but despite this isn’t against using them when the situation calls for it -- which is never for his own want or gain, but always for others. we see this in particular during the first culture festival, when he agrees to wear a dress as a means of appeasing the third-year girls. he agrees to do it in order to avoid breaking his social persona, and in doing so disregards his own wants and comfort levels. he clearly doesn’t like the attention he receives from this act, but at the same time uses his beauty in order to protect his family:

when kyo suggests that yuki actually enjoys this type of attention, in which people call him cute, pretty, “womanly,” and the like, yuki reacts violently, solidifying that it’s something he is seriously uncomfortable with (though he admits to tohru that he doesn’t mind when she, a friend, perceives him as such, and this is perhaps because he has a level of trust and comfort with her, and at this point feels she sees more of him than most do). he acts on his beauty a few other times, such as distracting the postman when kagura transforms, and even gets out of situations when he’s perceived as a woman without acting on it, such as when he and kyo retrieve tohru from her grandfather’s house and her male cousin, who displays an attraction to yuki, is stunned to the point of inaction at learning yuki is a boy.

this distinct discomfort of how people perceive his gender seems to come from multiple channels. there is the general viewpoint of a teenage boy trying to fit in socially, while also giving in to what his peers expect and create of him -- the pull between acting masculine, as that is typically expected of his gender, and acting polite and soft with his “prince” persona, which is socially perceived as detracting from the former. he takes a long time to come to terms with how he wants to present himself, as he doesn’t want to come off as un-princelike to his peers, but also often gives in to these more masculine traits outside of school (getting in physical fights with kyo, having little to no sense of keeping tidy surroundings at home, being short-tempered and harsh-tongued with shigure and haru, and the like). while his at-home persona is never quite as tough as how kyo or haru present themselves, it’s still more masculine than the personality he shows while at school.

his relationship with his brother ayame also weighs on this matter, as ayame is someone who is extremely comfortable in his flamboyant gender expression and doesn’t care how others perceive him. while yuki doesn’t necessarily dislike him for this reason, it is something that puts a wall between them simply because yuki cannot relate. this is shown as ayame and yuki are perceived by others quite similarly, as we see people question ayame’s gender and see how others fawn over his beauty. the difference is that ayame doesn’t have the distinct personal and social personas that yuki has created -- ayame’s true self is being someone who is quite comfortable blurring the lines of gender expression, and is someone who truthfully leans into his androgynous beauty, regardless of how others view him. yuki, on the other hand, is uncomfortable with his androgyny, but frequently leans into it due to social pressures. he doesn’t quite understand how his brother can so easily be the way he is.

it’s not until later, after yuki has befriended kakeru, that we see his true expression begin to emerge. interestingly, it’s in part because kakeru both sees him for who he is, as tohru does, and teases him over his beauty and princely status at school. kakeru calls him “yuki-chan” after first meeting him, and even more frequently calls him a princess as a means to denounce and poke fun at his prince status. though this is a sore spot for yuki at first, and causes some resentment towards kakeru before they’re able to befriend each other, kakeru teasing him by calling him a “princess” in some ways validates yuki’s emergence into becoming his own person; beyond teasing yuki for being pretty, kakeru is making fun of the princely persona that his peers have put onto him. it’s part of how yuki understands kakeru to see him -- he’s able to see that yuki really isn’t this prince that people believe him to be, and that the moniker is unfitting to the point of being laughable.

however, considering that being called a princess still denotes that yuki is in a way girlish, it’s still something that yuki fights kakeru about, but in a far less severe manner than his fights with kyo over the same words. his fights with kakeru are far more playful, and come from kakeru’s penchant for pushing yuki’s buttons out of fun rather than a point of unkindness, as is the case for kyo. this is similar to how yuki doesn’t mind if tohru calls him cute -- he has a level of trust and understanding with kakeru, and feels that kakeru really sees him rather than a false persona, and fights kakeru more because he’s being teased. his fights with kyo are more defensive as kyo says these things as a means of belittling him, while viewing him as someone who he really isn’t.

gender expression, and how one’s gender is perceived, is often another point of contention within lgb+ narratives, as there come certain social stereotypes for how gay people are to express their gender. by which i mean, gay men are often stereotyped as coming off as effeminate, lesbians are stereotyped as being somewhat masculine, and the like. this in turn causes society (in a general sense) to believe that boys and men who deviate from the straight, masculine norm must be gay, and similarly that girls and women who deviate from the hyperfeminine norm must be lesbians (though, it is generally more socially acceptable for women to take on boyish or masculine traits than it is for men to take on feminine traits). as being gay is socially ostracizing, boys and men who are perceived as such due to their feminine traits may then reject or deny them.

for yuki, this struggle with what others perceive as his femininity comes at a crossroads, as he both finds these traits to be embarrassing, but doesn’t fight against them as his peers seem to enjoy his unmasculine beauty. in the series, the only person who really disparages yuki for his more feminine traits is kyo; he is otherwise not socially ostracized for it, and instead feels a deep insecurity around it simply because he doesn’t enjoy the attention (from both boys and girls) and just wants to present as more masculine in his social life. however, as he hangs onto the acceptance of his peers through his femininity, he struggles to really present his more masculine traits in social settings -- that is, until he joins the student council and befriends people who see him for who he is rather than who he is expected to be. it’s through his socializing with the student council that he begins to bring the more typical masculine traits he presents in his private life to school (through being more physical, raising his voice, etc.).

this is not to say that yuki is gay/non-straight because of his femininity (we never see other characters assume he’s gay, but rather see other male characters seem to question their own sexuality upon realizing that yuki isn’t a woman, or otherwise by admitting to being attracted to him because they focus on his femininity). to say so would be stereotypical, and narratively wrong. rather, this is more to do with how expected gender presentation can be in conflict with personal gender presentation (this can occur regardless of sexuality, however tends to be particularly prevalent in lgb+ circles due to the inherent subversion of expected gender norms that comes with being non-straight; this is part of a much larger dialogue in how heterosexuality is the basis for expected gender conformity, and how “masculine” and “feminine” traits are perceived as being applicable to men and women respectively, when in truth these traits are applicable across the gender spectrum.) in typical narratives, the expected presentation for men is to take on masculine traits, and a deviation from that towards the feminine brings the subject’s sexuality into question (even if the subject is straight).

for yuki, the matter is more complicated, as his expected gender presentation actually falls into both masculine and feminine -- he’s expected to present masculine traits on the basis that he’s a boy, however is also expected to present feminine traits due to the social persona of the prince that his peers have placed on him. for yuki, the matter of gender presentation is in constant conflict, as he feels uncomfortable in being perceived as feminine, yet leans into that presentation in order to appease the expectations of his peers. again, his conflicts with gender presentation alone do not necessarily make him non-straight, but the presence of such a conflict is prevalent in lgb+ narratives.

it’s important, too, to recognize the matters of sexuality that present themselves in yuki’s immediate circle, namely through haru and ayame. when we’re first introduced to haru, he tells tohru that yuki was his first love; when we’re introduced to ayame, he tells a story of his youth where he told the boys at his school to “direct their passions at [him]” in order to keep them from getting in trouble for being intimate with girls. the matters of talking about the sexuality of these two characters becomes difficult if only because they’re presented as a means to shock or joke, rather than as something that is discussed seriously. haru and ayame’s attraction to men isn’t meant to be taken seriously by the audience (the reveal of these attractions are met with shock/distaste by our main cast), and as such yuki’s response to their sexualities is that of annoyance. if we’re to remove the (maybe less than gentle) mockery of non-straight identities, yuki’s reactions to both haru and ayame could instead be read as him internally tying their sexualities to their odd and outlandish demeanors -- and yuki, as a character who by and large tries to keep his head down and do what is expected of him, pushes the notion of homosexuality away because he finds it to be in conflict with his character. he doesn’t consider it, because it doesn’t fit with his expected personas.

(compare these moments, which happen early on in the series, to a much later scene where kakeru openly discusses how attractive the men in the sohma family are, and yuki isn’t annoyed with him despite kakeru also being in a close relationship to him and having a similar outlandish behavior to haru and ayame; the line for how acceptable it is to discuss the attraction of and to the same gender becomes murky, and because so much time has passed and yuki has gone through some personal growth, it’s unclear if he has become more accepting of these attractions or if he just perceives them as being different.)

but, again, the discussion of how homosexuality is presented in the series is difficult to analyse, because it’s not presented as something to be taken seriously. it’s fair to say that yuki’s reactions to haru, ayame, and kakeru are more about the context they’re presented in than just their attraction to men alone -- he gets annoyed with haru because haru insists that he was his first love (an unrequited attraction, and one he doesn’t take seriously), he gets annoyed with ayame because he finds ayame’s person to be too outlandish as a whole to even begin to understand, and he doesn’t get annoyed with kakeru because he knows kakeru is in a committed relationship with a girl, and that saying that men are attractive doesn’t necessarily imply an attraction to them.

the matter of sexuality, though, is prevalent in yuki’s story despite the narrative’s dismissal of it, and this comes to light through his discussion of his compulsory heterosexuality towards tohru.

chapters 83 and 86 primarily deal with this matter, and it starts off with the quite literal scene of yuki being trapped in the student council’s storage closet, thinking about both the trauma of his isolation in the dark room and having a moment where he imagines akito belittling his feelings towards tohru. while not immediately apparent, it’s here that he internally faces his true feelings for her after having ignored them for so long. at first, he continues to feel pathetic and demonizes his feelings, imagining akito saying these words instead of hearing them through his own internal dialogue (a means of filtering his negative thoughts through the image of his abuser). these have been the personal demons he’s been fighting since after kyo’s true form arc (numbers-wise, that’s roughly fifty chapters out of a 136 chapter series), and in that period we’ve seen him struggle with whether he should “open the lid” on his feelings

then, in continuing the visual of yuki being in the closet, the door is broken down by machi, at which point she says that she thought he “wouldn’t like being alone and helpless in there,” mirroring the sentiments he felt being physically isolated and mentally abused under akito’s care. and in leaving the closet, he finally admits to himself, kakeru, and the audience, that he isn’t romantically attracted to tohru, and his attraction to her was compulsory. he loves her, but views her as a mother figure.

this is one of those moments in the series where the subtext is almost so, so blatant that it’s just text, but i digress.

the acceptance that tohru gave him in the very beginning of the series, when he was incredibly conflicted in his identity and buried in his low self-esteem, cultivated his growth into finding out his own worth and who he is. as mentioned, his family life growing up did not give him this foundation, and so in her giving it to him instead, he received from her what he should have received from a parental figure -- his mother in particular, as his father wasn’t present.

however, being that she’s the same age as him, and finds this relationship to be strange, he attempted to warp his own feelings towards her into something more acceptable, and has this conversation with kakeru in explaining those feelings:

Yuki: “I needed a mother’s love. And before I knew it… I found it in Honda-san.”

Kakeru: “Even though she’s a girl you can be attracted to?”

Yuki: “Yes. Well… before she was someone of the opposite sex, she was really more like a mother to me. And that’s what I’d been looking for. But I panicked. When I realized I was thinking of her that way, I got confused. Very confused, actually. The whole thing was embarrassing, and I didn’t want to admit to it. I pretended not to realize, at first, anyway. I put a lid on my feelings. I told myself it wasn’t like that. I tried to talk to her, like boys do to girls. But I was wrong. That’s not the way it is with us.”

admitting that he tried to bury his real feelings, and attempted to force his feelings to be romantic for her instead, can be at face value read as him having a sudden understanding of his sexuality -- here, becoming confused to the point of panic when he realized he wasn’t romantically attracted to her -- in a way that indicates that he isn’t straight. his embarrassment here comes from his seeing her as a mother figure (and with that, his feeling that their relationship isn’t balanced), but still follows the narrative of compulsory heterosexuality. he assumed that, because he was a boy, and she was a girl, and he was experiencing intense feelings for her, those feelings should have been those of romantic attraction.

compulsory heterosexuality is just about as it sounds -- the “straight until proven otherwise” argument. acting under the assumption that one is heterosexual, there’s the sense that strong romantic or sexual feelings towards the opposite gender must be cultivated, and when those feelings fall short (such as coming to the realization that the feelings aren’t romantic or sexual in nature), there comes confusion; as compulsory heterosexuality is cultivated by a heteronormative society, it also creates a confusion on a social level. we can see this here with kakeru questioning yuki’s feelings, asking why he can’t view tohru as both a mother figure and someone he can pursue romantically, and telling him that he’s essentially giving up for no reason. yuki, in turn, tells him he’s not giving up -- it’s just that he truly is not, and cannot, be romantically attracted to her.

in a similar manner, as yuki comes to terms with how he understands his own romantic feelings, he’s rather blind to when girls have romantic feelings for him. this comes to light when he realizes that the leader of his fan club, motoko, has also been harboring romantic sentiments for him, alongside the many third-year girls who he has had to turn down as they attempt to confess to him before graduation. he remarks that he’s dense, and that he feels bad because he can “do nothing but hurt those girls.” this more or less goes along with his coming to terms with understanding how he experiences romantic attraction, but is also an interesting reveal of how he has misunderstood his role as the “prince” -- though he sought after the affections of his peers, and got that tenfold from his fan club (despite their overbearing and obsessive mannerisms), he never believed that the girls in this club liked him to the point of romantic attraction. he’s confused when he navigates his non-romantic feelings for tohru, and confused when he realizes motoko loves (or, loved) him, despite her creating the prince yuki fan club, and being its dutiful leader for two years.

at this point in his story, though he is at a much better point in his self-confidence and identity, he admits that he still holds the same weakness as he always had. this includes his self-worth, and being unsure of how people really feel about him. that wraps around to a part of him that is still socially isolated, that makes him feel unable to fully associate with “normal” people, in this case, girls in particular: his curse.

this is going back to my earlier sentiment that the way in which yuki perceives his curse closely follows narratives of being closeted. at this point, he has found a confidant in kakeru, and finds kakeru to be the one person who he feels safe discussing personal matters with -- not just his relationship with tohru, but also talking to him about some parts of his family life. he did, in a sense, “come out” to kakeru when telling him that he doesn’t have romantic feelings for tohru, and for a relationship between two boys, this seems apt. he was closeted by the “lid” he kept on his feelings for tohru, and is closeted still by his curse. he doesn’t consider going to kakeru about the curse because that doesn’t affect his relationship with him the way admitting his lack of attraction to a girl does; rather, it affects his relationships with girls, and still leaves him somewhat stunted in understanding the give and take of emotions between him and them. machi becomes an outlier, if only because she’s the only girl who has ever seemed to view him differently (sans tohru; and even then, kakeru points out that yuki is slow to understand machi’s feelings for him). she had always rejected his prince persona, and was extremely slow to warm up to him. but, as he reaches out to her and becomes her confidant, she reaches out to him in turn and actively seeks his presence above anyone else’s. he feels seen by her, and feels needed by her.

he and machi start dating at the end of chapter 125, and it’s a few chapters later that he begins to question whether he should open up to her about the curse. in his thought process, he directly reflects the language he used with tohru in the beginning of the series, when he told her he struggled with associating with “normal” people:

“Honda-san knows that Kyo’s not a normal person. She already knows, and she has for a while. But… in my case… I have to tell [Machi]. If I want to stay with her… then I have to tell her the one thing that she may or may not accept.”

similar to his “coming out” to kakeru, yuki now has to “come out” again with his secret of the curse to machi. although this is an essay about gay subtext, it is important that it’s machi who he’s coming out to, if only because the mechanics of the curse are inherently straight, and, well, he’s dating a girl who this directly affects. there is still the distinct story of hiding something so integral and important to your very being away in order to avoid isolation, ostracization, and abandonment -- and this comes to a head when it affects one of the very relationships that helped him grow out of his shell and into his identity.

in a twist, we never actually witness yuki “come out” to machi. the curse lifts just before he is able to do so. instead, he feels freed from the last wall of isolation that kept him from her, and in the moment says “right now, this is enough” as he’s finally able to hold her. and i don’t think this is something to feel cheated out of by any means -- while it would have been interesting to see machi’s reaction, at this point in the story, he already has been accepted by her, as she is one of the few to take him as he is without any presumptions attached. and this reflects an earlier thought he had of her, in which he said:

“Crowds used to make me wonder: how many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly, once upon a time. But now… I’m a little different. It’s not like that. It doesn’t have to be a lot of people. Even if it’s just one person, that’s enough. Having one person is an incredible thing, because then it can’t be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too… In the midst of all those people, she singled me out and found me. Having someone other than yourself thinking of you, looking for you… you can’t take that for granted.”

this isn’t meant to be an argument that yuki “should have” ended up with someone else, or should have been canonically non-straight -- the story is what it is, and at the end of the day the story is predicated on basic heteronormative social aspects, centered around a curse that, while it symbolically goes deep into abuse, trauma, isolation, and the problem of those things being cyclical, mechanically functions as hetero isolation. for yuki to come to terms with his curse, and his ever-present anxiety over not being able to fully integrate with “normal” people, it was narratively necessary for him to be pushed by his relationship with machi. while he experienced social isolation on all fronts, his ending up with a guy likely wouldn’t have created that same sense of urgency (hence, why he never so much as thinks to tell kakeru about the curse, despite their closeness and his ease with him in opening up about personal matters), or resulted in a finality of his curse that allows for a physical act of symbolism to announce the end of his isolation.

it’s regardless of the heterosexuality of it all that makes yuki’s story so very relateable on the basis that it can be interpreted as gay-coded. it doesn’t really matter that he ended up with a girl** -- what matters is that his curse, the thing he needed to “come out” to her about, in itself is easily read as his struggles with accepting his sexuality as part of his long, winding road in accepting himself fully. his similar “coming out” to kakeru about his comphet feelings, his long-standing struggles with his gender, and his overall struggles with understanding himself in the face of his fears of abandonment and social isolation, all come together to make yuki’s story one that is easily read as coming to terms with one’s sexuality in their journey of self-acceptance and self-love.

**here, i mean ‘matter’ in terms of narrative -- gay representation in media is of course necessary, and even though yuki can be so easily read as a gay or otherwise non-straight character, that doesn’t mean that the story upholds positive gay rep.

#fruits basket #yuki sohma #im done hyperfocusing on this im sleepy #anyways sorry if its uhhhh a mess LMAO i guess i've forgotten how to format like.....essays #anyways if u wanna know how i managed to not mention like the yukeru-ness of a lot of this story.........#idk u can ask but it just didn't feel right to put in this essay ig #the gay subtext of his story in large part doesn't even need to be explained by his relationship or chemistry w kakeru #shocker i know #this thing is like 6k words long and i still feel like there are major things i'm missing lmaooo #o well #yunsoh meta #fruits basket spoilers

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a-long-walk-in-the-forest · 4 years

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Astrology guesses for Sasuke pt-3

So I’ll start from the beginning again.

He has a canon birthday and a canon sun sign and his moon is also somewhat deducible from canon which I’ve discussed in the previous post.

Based on his sun sign we also know which venus and mercury signs are possible for him.

With regards to his ascendant, I’m of the opinion that it falls in capricorn for several reasons. One being that this would put his moon in the 4th house the other being due to my opinion on his mars (in scorpio) which I believe is in the 10th house. If we use equal temperament house system, I think the overall description for the ascendant itself as well as the other house descriptions fit well. Now this would put his sun in the 7th house which, again, I think fits.

When it comes to mercury it is between leo (7th or possibly 8th) and cancer (6th or 7th).

Venus I personally think is either in virgo (8th) or cancer (6th) I really don’t see it in gemini (5th) but leo (7th) is also a possibility.

I think saturn in cancer makes sense for his generation.

I believe there is a lot of harsh neptune and pluto (generational plants, so it wont just be natal, it would also include the aspects other peoples pluto and neptune make to his planets) involved in his chart. Neptune because of the disillusionment, deceit, not seeing things clearly and Idealization, idolization,...And pluto because of over-fixation, rebirth, intensity, scorpionic vibes, magnetism, obsession and attracting obsessive people (bringing it out of them).

I did make an incomplete post about his pluto but I’m still very unsure about the rest of his chart so I can’t really explore it much yet.

I would appreciate some opinions on the subject as I’m kind of stuck.

When looking at his venus I mostly looked at his relationship with his brother because that’s the only person I was 100% certain he loves (not just cares about) and most of his affectionate and open interactions (before massacre) happened with him. Also I’m basing this solely on the manga not the anime (which has significant differences with regards to characterization).

What my opinion of his character is so far:

He used to be shy and easily embarrassed, preceptive, good intuition, passive in personal interactions and not good at establishing boundaries (but he does try) but not one to let insults go, driven, family oriented, and as a child he was quite affectionate and open with people he let in but he didn’t let people in easily, not much of a talker, prone to sulking, introspective, sense of self is very tied to clan and family, very influenced by/deeply moved by close interpersonal relationships, values harmony in interactions, competitive, blunt, poetic (based on how he names his moves and the metaphors he uses as well as the fact that he recited a poem off by heart during the chuunin exams), after massacre he was so lonely and vulnerable that he clung to whatever semblance of bonds and genuine affection (not objectification and idolization) he could get, this however was more of an involuntary thing. He is independent in an ideological sense but very much about others (even as a child his goals were other related, like to be useful to his father), and he is very capable of managing himself and self-discipline. He doesn’t care much about the opinion of random people but cares about the opinion of the people he respects. He respects strength (but not without ethics). He has a firm sense of right and wrong that he sticks with. Issues with his father led to low self-esteem, not very self-indulgent, kind of clingy with loved ones (his brother) but not too pushy, doe eyes, outwardly projects confidence, dependable, values dependability in others, pure hearted, doesn’t take credit for things he hasn’t done, not particularly humorous, not very prejudiced or stingy with compliments (even if he doesn’t always say them out loud), not to proud to admit if he can’t do something, introverted, doesn’t like close physical proximity to people he isn’t emotionally close to, good teammate, not one to mind other peoples business, self-sacrificial, logical and pragmatic, comes across as aloof and serious, good with animals, creative and somewhat compassionate (though not necessarily empathetic), not the most polite person out there (in fact he is quite rude) but certainly has more grace and decorum than most people in his profession (which to be fair, is not the hardest thing in the world to do. The bar is pretty low), impressionable and prone to getting manipulated when emotionally vulnerable but generally a critical thinker, stubborn in his beliefs, not fond of wasting time,...

Now based on this I guessed venus in cancer in the 6th conjunct saturn (but not sun) and mercury in leo not aspecting sun but maybe aspecting his venus. Also saturn conjunct sun (so in order it would be venus, saturn, sun and mercury and I spoke about the order and what it means in my first post) but I’m still unsure.

#sasuke astrology analysis #sasuke #sasuke uchiha #n-astro #naruto meta

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for-ests · 4 years

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Falling For You- Tom Holland x Reader (Part 2)

Part 1

Word count: 4, 073

Warnings: None

✭♡✭♡✭♡✭

Tom scanned the park for you, feeling his nerves grow with each passing moment. What will you think of him now? Did you still like him?

He sighed loudly as he watched the cars pass by. Your bewitching smile refused to leave his head.

He had been nervous all day, knowing that deep inside, he needed you more than ever. You were more beautiful than he remembered, your maturity radiant and refutable. How did he miss the potential you promised?

This date was impulsive. But Tom couldn't deny how long he'd been waiting to see you again. With how much he had missed you, the only cure was to try and mend things.

If only he had been more courageous back then. If only... if only.

He never got the chance to tell you how he felt back then. And now, the young man was starting to second guess himself. His heels began to ache from standing in an awkward position for too long, eyebrows narrowing as he wondered if you would appreciate what he had planned out.

Tom was too shy, too self-conscious. But thankfully, his trip to America had settled those conflicting thoughts. He was now a different person on the inside and the outside. More confident, physically, and mentally.

He had worked so hard to improve his acting skills; with hard work came success. He'd been working out regularly for months now, and his body was starting to sculpt into the complexion he'd always dreamed of having. Now, all that was missing was a woman by his side. Tom may have changed his appearance, but he was still the same softie his parents had raised him to be. He still cared for his home, his family, and his friends. That would never change, no matter how famous he got.

Just like his feelings for you. He had hoped and prayed they would go away in time, but they kept growing stronger. When he saw your face last night in the pub, it all came crashing down like a tidal wave.

He remembered your tenderhearted ways, how you had always been there for him even when he didn't deserve it. He was too childish to realize it then, but he was deeply in love with you and didn't know how to deal with it. Tom had not been ready, even if he desperately wanted to be.

He could tell the same realization happened to you. It was evident in your eyes, in your reserved yet hopeful body language, and in the slight blush that crept along your cheeks every time he uttered your name.

The passion was still there. It had to have been, or else you wouldn't have said yes.

Tom leaned against the chain-linked fence, glancing back every once in a while just to see if you had arrived.

He wanted to see you so badly. The anxiety was killing him. What if you didn't show up? The anxious boy grimaced. That would be reasonable. That's essentially what he did to you. He left without saying goodbye.

He felt so much better about himself now, but that didn't mean you would take him back. What if you secretly hated him? The romantic side of him that he had saved for you was just waiting to emerge, begging and grasping for attention.

It was starting to cloud his consciousness.

Tom exhaled deeply and scrolled through his Instagram feed, reading a few recent comments that fueled his ego. He had about 200k, which was good for an amateur actor who hadn't landed any starring roles. A small fan base was better than nothing, and all of this newfound attention was from his own hard work and dedication.

But he was getting there, his dream role was a few weeks away. That audition would mean everything, but for now, he needed someone to help take his mind off things. You were the perfect person to do so. The person who always did, back before all of this started. Even before he was able to pursue his dream. The thought of losing you permanently had always scared him, so much so that he wasn’t able to form a proper goodbye. One that caused all this pain to begin with.

Tom hadn't seen you in ages, and you looked better than ever. If he'd fancied you back then, he couldn't even imagine what he would do for you now. His heart began to beat faster at the thought. It was scary, as he realized he might possibly do anything.

"Tom?" Your voice snapped through the silence, everything else becoming mere background noise.

He lifted his head and almost melted right then and there.

Your hair drifted so peacefully in the evening breeze, seeming to light up the entire atmosphere. You smiled shyly at him and tucked a few strands of hair behind your ear. "What's up?" You greeted, sighing deeply as your breath misted into the air. Your cheeks were starting to redden from the chill, but you didn't seem to mind.

You looked just as nervous as him. Possibly distracted by your own thoughts.

Tom hadn't really thought it through when he asked if you wanted to take an evening walk. But when was London ever a comfortable temperature?

"I promise we won't be out in the cold too long." He chuckled, shoving his hands in his pockets from the brisk air. "I just wanted to take you one place."

Dismissing his statement, your eyes focused on his hands. You started to rummage through your purse. "Do you want mittens? I have an extra pair."

"S-sure." He said between shivers, graciously taking up on your offer. Tom took his hands out of his pockets and slipped the warm fabric on. "Thank you."

He's always appreciated how prepared you were. He knew you had prepared yourself for heartbreak, even if you did not show it. Only someone with a genuine and kind heart would be so bold. You were there to hear him out.

Because last night, even drunk, Tom could see the look in your eyes. There was a longing you held that he was unable to notice before.

"It's no problem." Your nose crinkled in the most adorable way as you smiled. "Now, we can hold hands."

The last part came out as a whisper as if you were unsure of your own rash actions. Regardless though, you followed through, grasping his hand tightly.

Without blatantly making your intentions known, he had gathered the hint. You were willing to try and make things right. That was all he could have asked for.

Tom noticed you had become surprisingly cheerful. Knowing you all too well, he understood that your cheerfulness was a way to protect yourself, a facade of sorts.

Embarrassed, Tom glanced away briefly. If he failed to win your heart back on this date, things between the two of you would no longer exist. The young man knew he couldn't deal with that. You were far too important.

"Ohhh." He laughed, intertwining his coated fingers with yours. "I'm the one who's supposed to make the moves, not you darling."

You leaned against him and tittered, feeling more confident with Tom's true intentions. You had already surpassed your high school awkwardness in less than five minutes. It had taken you and him three years to get this close back in the day.

But you were different, and so was he.

Breathing deeply, you discarded those thoughts. You glanced up, and the cold that had previously surrounded you disappeared when you looked into his eyes. "Where to?"

Tom squeezed your hand firmly, his entire body warming at the sight of you so content by his presence. "You'll see, I think you'll like it."

✭♡✭♡✭♡✭

You tried your best not to laugh as Tom guided you down the rocky and secluded path. You could hear each step you took, the snow crunching underneath your weight. The snow threatened to push over the hemlines of your socks, but you persisted farther.

To you, the entire situation was comical. The sun had begun to finally set, and you were slowly hiking through a forest with a man you had once known in grade school. A branch brushed against your jacket as Tom slowly but surely helped you through the forest.

You did not need the help but you knew how proper Tom was. And because of it, you were able to cling to him longer than necessary.

"Where in the world are you taking me?" You ventured to ask, already knowing he wouldn't give you the answer. You found this quite the adventure for a first date and reunion. The place he was leading you to seemed familiar, but in a way, you could not describe. The landscape had been cast into shadows, yet the atmosphere was one you found yourself resonating with. Nostalgic vibes from deep within your soul, masked under the guise between good and evil.

"Shh!" A deep chuckle followed shortly after you stepped over a fallen tree, it was hardly visible. "Almost there." He spoke without looking behind him. The two of you were completely alone, and that thought made you excited.

You were quiet after that, but your grin stayed constant- your true feelings unable to remain hidden. The little things he did made you feel special. Tom could make your heart flutter with just one glance.

Tom’s hat was covering the hair you adored, but his curls were poking out slightly. You wondered if he still hated them, even though all the girls used to swoon over his locks. Unbeknownst to him, you had engaged in that endless dialogue.

Keeping your eyes focused on the back of his head, you almost didn't realize that you had come to an opening. A large boulder was placed in the middle. It was big enough to seat a few people comfortably.

It took you a moment to remember its significance. But as soon as you did, a blush appeared on your cheeks. Tom thought it was adorable.

"The kissing rock?" You squeaked.

"You were my first kiss." He reminded, turning to you with a shy smile, reflecting on the more awkward moments of your relationship. Though sometimes unbearable to think about, bittersweet they remained.

You blushed at the memory. You both had your first kisses with each other one night when you and all your friends decided to play seven minutes in heaven. A freshmen year hangout circle that sometimes pressured you to partake in activities you wouldn't typically have.

At fifteen years old, your heart began to pound loudly in your chest. Watching the lone beer bottle land on your best friend and crush caused your eyes to go wide. Admittingly, you had hoped that you might be able to kiss him, but now that it was happening, your anxiety spiraled until you were unable to move.

"Uhm-i-" You stuttered, open-mouthed. You were only brought back to reality by a flood of teasing and laughter. Your girlfriends knew how infatuated you were with him. Yet they also knew how shy you were. An interaction like this would never happen in any other scenario.

Your best friend cheered you on with a smirk of approval.

"Let's go then." Tom eagerly stood up, watching your cheeks grow noticeably red. He tried to usher you into the room and away from the gaze of all your so-called friends.

Once the closet door closed, you exhaled roughly. You'd never kissed anyone before, and Tom knew that. What if he was grossed out by you in this way? Would you be able to keep your mouth shut?

"Well, my friends say you have a crush on me." He whispered, leaning as nonchalantly against the wall as he could. Even through your own sheepishness, you could sense his nerves. "So we can kiss if you'd like to."

An excellent proposal indeed, but the fact of any boy being aware of your true feelings sent your sense into a frenzy. How could they possibly know you were in love with your best friend?

"If you want to." You bit your lip, glancing away.

A short, goofy, and inexperienced Tommy spoke under his breath. "I've always wanted to."

"Okay." You said, sitting up a little straighter. You didn't know what else to do. Weren't the guys supposed to lean in? Were you supposed to keep your eyes open?

Tom moved towards you, testing the waters by setting one hand on your shoulder and tucking the other by the low of your back. His touch was shocking in this way, and your teenage brain was desperately trying to sort through the motions.

Naturally, and almost perfectly, he leaned in. Your lips touched hesitantly at first but then pressed hard once the two of you were able to kiss with closed eyes. You gripped him suddenly as the kiss escalated. You weren't ready for that, though part of you wanted to continue.

"Someone might see, Tommy."

Tom pulled away, trying hard not to grin.

"Then, we pretended like nothing happened."

"Yeah." He scratched the back of his neck, awkwardly. "Then you started dating Jerry."

"Fucking Jerry." You chuckled heartily. "What a bloke."

"Yeah." He smiled, biting his lip as he noticed your anxious expression. You didn't seem to be as excited as he thought you would be. Maybe you didn't have any good memories here? Tom pondered on your high school relationships. He'd never kissed anyone here back in the day, but he had heard great things from his mates.

Most serious couples in your high school had kissed here after school. It might be cheesy, but he wanted to kiss you here. He always had. If you shared terrible memories with this place, he wanted to try and make a good one.

Tom thought that making this relation would cheer you up. Nostalgia was a fitting cure when times were low, especially when you had been away from home for years.

"Follow me." He urged, taking your hand in his, and pulling you towards the rock.

Your hesitation soon faded as your hands intertwined again. This wasn't what happened back then. It was different, Tom was here with you, and you were adults now.

Smirking to yourself, you shook your head. You two were alone, you were adults, and you had feelings for each other. Right? So why were you so afraid?

Taking this leap would mean there was no turning back. Whatever happened tonight would determine your entire relationship with him.

“Y/N?” He chuckled, waving his hand in your face. You had zoned out for a moment.

“Sorry,” You laughed with him, smacking his hand away from your face in a teasing manner.

Tom helped you climb up the boulder, his hands resting firmly on your waist to hoist you up. You blushed at the contact, knowing he was gripping lower than he needed to. Chills were sent up your spine as his warmth moved elsewhere.

Once you had gotten on top of the rock, you turned around to give him support, only to find he was already sitting next to you. You rolled your eyes, shaking your head lightly. "I see you're more athletic now."

He scooted next to you, a cheeky grin upon his lips. "I'm only trying to show off, you know that, right?"

Your eyes darted in the opposite direction, trying to keep your eyes focused on the long stretch of forest. Tom was much more blunt, much more confident. The old Tom would have never been so straightforward. And as much as it embarrassed you, you loved it.

You turned back to him once the burning sensation in your stomach died down. "You're going to have to do more than that." You teased, becoming aware of how close you were. His lips were just inches away, and he was starting to seem irresistible.

Tom noticed it too. His urges growing stronger as he watched your tongue run smoothly across your lips. The action made them glossy and far more kissable. Were you waiting for him to do it?

After a moment of searching for an answer in your expression, he started to lean in. He closed his eyes and went for the kiss. Tom could feel his heart racing, he had wanted to do this so badly, and it needed to be perfect. He had to make up for the years he had failed to make you his. Maybe it was for the best, but the time you had spent apart had only caused both of you pain.

If that was not a sign, Tom couldn't fathom what would be. Everything about you felt right. Everything about you, he loved. It was about time he was brave enough to come forth and admit it.

And perfect it was. As soon as your lips touched, he felt his emotions ignite in a peaceful yet passionate blaze that he had never felt before.

You shivered from the contact, knowing that if you were standing, your knees would have buckled. Being there with him, like that, was everything you had ever dreamed it would be.

You kissed him back, deepening the kiss and asking for more. You were in love with him, and he didn't even know it. Maybe this was your last chance to show him, perhaps this moment with him was all you had left.

"Tommy--" You gasped against his lips, literally melting into his warm embrace. His hand brushed against your cheek, guiding you closer with a gentle touch. The second kiss was wet, much sloppier than the first. Your emotions were poured into every movement, your skin aflame and senses alive.

More. I need more.

The way you moaned his name encouraged him to take a step forward and pull you closer. He had waited so long to do this, and he never thought he would be able to. That's why this was so special. He was getting a second chance with the love of his life.

The kisses intensified, and your lips parted, inviting him for more. Practically begging for it.

Your lips began to move in sync, the kisses turning sloppy, filling with hunger and need from all the time you had spent apart. From all the years of denying your love.

Tom's hands began to wander, feeling you up and down from all the angles you had always imagined he would explore. You let him readily, relishing in his praise, becoming drunk on the sensation his lips gave you. You wanted more, you needed more.

You held his face in your mitten-covered hands, kissing him tenderly as you moved to sit on his lap. The contact caused Tom to groan, his arms looping around your waist and holding you as close as he could through the thick clothes you were wearing.

He wanted to feel your skin against his. He knew this wasn't enough to satisfy the passion building up inside him. You were too tempting and always had been. Tom knew you were innocent, and that's what made you so much more alluring. You were waiting to become his, and now was finally the right time.

The two of you pulled apart briefly to catch your breath. Tom tilted his head back to gaze at you. Your cheeks were flushed, but it might of been from the cold. Your expression was sheepish, but not ashamed. And your eyes... man, your eyes seemed to promise him treasures he could only dream of.

"I've been waiting so long to do that." Tom managed to string together a full sentence. It was true, and he has been repeating that to himself for the past two years.

You hastily glanced away. "M-me too." You whispered, acting as if you still did not believe it happened.

Wishing for it to continue, but knowing you had to stop before things got too heated, you crawled off his lap and sighed. You couldn't stop smiling.

"I really fancy you." Tom blurted, eyes widening at the realization of what he said. "If you couldn't tell..." He added, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. That's what he did in embarrassing situations.

"I figured that out when I saw the rock." You blushed. "I remember you saying that you wanted to bring your future girlfriend here."

He couldn't believe you would remember something like that. It made him feel warm inside, a fluffy, and respectful kind. That must mean that you felt the same, or at least you did. It made him sad to think that you liked him back in high school. Hearing him say something like that must have broken your heart.

"I guess that wish came true," Tom said.

Your eyes widened. What did that mean?

"I want to be with you, Y/N." He whispered, all the presumptions of his youth fading away with just one sentence. Now, he seemed like a man. A man who was able to admit, and make sense of his decade-long feelings.

You could not find the words to speak, your mind analyzing all the possibilities of what that could mean.

"I really hope you know how sorry I am for leaving you." The words came out in a flood, and Tom's composure crumbled in front of your eyes. "When I saw you yesterday, I realized how much I hurt you. You don't deserve that Y/N." He took a deep, shaky breath. "I hope you can give me another chance to make things right... and to possibly be more than friends."

You were deeply pained from his tone and the way his voice faltered when thinking of the past.

"Tommy, it's okay. I understand." You smiled sadly, wrapping your arms back around the boy. You didn't want him to feel bad about it. Though both of you had suffered, there was no going back to fix it. The time apart, though excruciating on bad terms, helped bring you back together. Being away from him for the first time, helped you realize how special he really was to you. He wasn't just your best friend. He was not just a crush. He was the love of your life.

Tilting your head, you pressed a chaste kiss to his chilled cheeks.

It's not like you had confessed to him before, or made your feelings known. You were both oblivious about your feelings. But why did he leave without saying goodbye all those years ago?

Tom could tell what you were thinking by the grief-stricken look on your face.

"I left without saying goodbye because I knew I couldn't face you. I was afraid to confirm my love for you, Y/N..." He hugged you back, burying his head in the crook of your neck. You smelled as amazing as he remembered, your warmth engulfing him in comfort no other woman could. You were what he had always been craving, and you were always right in front of him.

"Love?" You whispered astonishingly, picking up on the word as he breathed its existence.

Tom pulled away, nodding slowly.

"You love me?" You gasped, tears starting to gather at your eyelids. The fear of your feelings blossoming further in a one-sided relationship faded. It was going to be okay.

"I love you." He confirmed, all his nerves vanishing as your expression beamed brightly back at him. For a moment, silence consumed you. Before you could think further, tears gathered in the corners of your eyes. Reaching your sleeve up, you quickly wiped them away.

"I love you too." You choked out, the words feeling so good on your lips. So right to say and express. "I always have..." You admitted, eyes flickering away as you said it. "I was too afraid to tell you, and it killed me."

"But I'm here now, I've realized my mistake," Tom assured, pulling you into his chest and squeezing you tight. He couldn't believe how stupid he was back then to leave someone like you behind. You were meant to be together, you had to be. There had never been anyone else that had come close.

He wasn't going to let you slip away again.

"Come back to my place," Tom commanded more than he asked. The cold was starting to become unbearable, now that the passionate heat that sparked between you had calmed.

"I want to show you how much you really mean to me."

#tom holland x reader #peter parker x reader #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland imagine #tom holland

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unlockthelore · 4 years

Text

Regardless

It wasn’t the first time that Hiei had been left alone in the presence of Minamino Shiori and he doubted that it would be the last. At his own request, he wanted to learn how to use most of the appliances in the kitchen and Shiori was the only one that could aid him in his task. Under the guise of staying home for the day and with Shiori’s day off, the two retired to the kitchen where she instructed him on everything from the rice cooker to the toaster. If she was put off by his lack of knowledge on what might’ve been commonplace for someone his “age”, she didn’t say, happily speaking to him in that teacherly tone that Kurama took when he was instructing someone.

There were a few things that Hiei could infer on but he listened to the gentle lull of Shiori’s voice as she explained it to him. Over the last few weeks, she seemed tired and had been sleeping more than usual. He wasn’t sure what to make of it but the change in her routine and lack of energy worried Kurama endlessly. He fussed over chores and maintaining the household to keep his mother as stress-free as possible. However, from an outsider’s point of view, both were fraying at the edges.

Kurama ran himself ragged with maintaining his human guise and Shiori worked hard enough to support herself and her son, despite Kurama’s insistence that he could help her. Hiei wondered just how much of his persona as Minamino Shuuichi was an act when he flitted to his mother’s side, careful to help her up from the couch when she was dazed, or making her breakfast before he set off for school so that she wouldn’t have the added task to her already hectic mornings.

Shiori insisted that he didn’t have to. That all she wanted was for him to have a good day and despite her low energy, she made the effort to see him off every morning. The weekends were the hardest as Kurama’s energy grew restless the longer he kept himself indoors and Shiori woke well past noon, missing most meals and dismissing offers for food citing a lack of hunger. Hiei felt trapped at Kurama’s wide-eyed look, helpless and confused, unsure of what to do.

The nights spent waiting for the youko to come to bed as he poured over his books and the remedies available to him, trying to find one that wouldn’t be poisonous to humans, and could cure his mother of her ailment. Hiei willed himself not to fall asleep before Kurama after a few nights left to his own devices became mornings where the fox would have a crick in his neck and an irritable mood.

The lack of a way forward was taking its toll on Kurama and Hiei wasn’t sure whether it was him or Shiori that would collapse first.

“I’m guessing that you didn’t want to learn just so you didn’t have to wait for dinner,” Shiori voices, rousing Hiei from his thoughts, a teasing smile and a glimmer of amusement in her eyes betraying the weariness as she leant against the counter for support. “Is this about Shuuichi?”

Hiei huffed, mildly impressed with her perception. “He’s terrible at remembering to eat,” he said, picking up the wok left on the counter and turning it over in his hands. “And irritable when he’s hungry.”

In the reflection of the wok, he caught Shiori eyeing him.

“… Did I say something?”

Shiori shook her head, resting her chin on her fist. “I’m happy,” she murmured softly, casting her eyes to the sink. “It’s good that Shuuichi has someone that he can depend on.”

Hiei wasn’t sure what to say to that and from the lingering silence, he doubted that it was the only thought on her mind. Despite not being human, the similarities between her and Kurama were startling. They both had wealths of thoughts to share but chose to hold them back. Whether for their own comfort or someone else’s, he wasn’t sure.

But the idea of either of them crumbling beneath the weight of their own selflessness made his chest ache. Setting the wok down, he set to work with pulling out everything they would need.

“Garden Curry,” Hiei said offhandedly, remembering the name of the dish as Shiori told it to him. “Isn’t that just regular curry?”

Shiori chuckled warmly, her shuffling footsteps approaching from behind him and off to the side as she opened one of the cupboards to pull out the sauce mix. “With a few added things,” she says with a nod. “I used to call it Garden Curry because most of the vegetables in it came from our garden.”

Hiei tilts his head, glancing up at her.

“Shuuichi loved gardening more than anything, he always seemed to prefer the company of his plants and the outdoors over anyone or anything else.” Shiori set the sauce mix beside the potatoes, beginning to wash the peppers and onions in the sink. The wistful tone to her voice makes Hiei want to frown but he suppresses it when she glances his way. “He was always a shy boy, a bit ahead of everyone else his age. I always wondered if it was lonely for him…”

Hiei set the washed vegetables aside, going to find the cutting board. He could imagine how it must have been for Kurama after watching him during their trek to Maya’s. With their speed, they could’ve been there in a matter of minutes but the youko seemed intent on dragging it out.

Whether it was to avoid suspicion or to cling to this fleeting sense of normalcy, Hiei was sure that it was a bit of both. He didn’t understand it at the time but seeing Kurama look after his classmates as they interacted, turning down invitations, dismissing gossiping comments ad putting on a smile — it became apparent to him what was happening.

And Shiori was no fool either.

“I was glad when he introduced you to me,” Shiori says, startling Hiei into almost dropping the knife he picked up. “I was worried about him making friends but you both were so good to one another, and you had such kind eyes.”

Hiei felt his face warming from the compliment. He still didn’t understand what she meant by that. The memory of those words haunted him that night and he spent a considerable amount of time staring at his reflection, tryin to see what she saw in him.

“Hiei, do you mind cutting up the potatoes and chicken while I start boiling the water?”

Not trusting himself enough to speak, he let the light thwack of the knife connecting to the cutting board as he cut the chicken into chunks, be his answer. Shiori set to boiling the water in the wok, waiting patiently with her eyes focused on the liquid’s surface. Stealing glances at her from the corner of his eye, Hiei’s curiosity was overwhelmingly potent.

“What did you mean by that?” He asks, looking away when Shiori looked at him with a questioning hum. “My eyes…”

For a moment, she said nothing and he worried that he might have asked a dull question. It was possible that she meant nothing by it and he was simply worrying over something that wasn’t there. Or she might have meant it at face value. Cautiously, Hiei dragged the knife over a towel to clean it once the meat was finished then started on the potatoes.

“Mm, you have the eyes of a person who has been in pain,” she says quietly, sounding thoughtful and wistful. A brief hesitation following that left Hiei on edge before she continued. “Yet despite that, your eyes are kind.”

Hiei wanted to say that it didn’t make any sense but he didn’t want to prove her right either. Pain. Dismally or perhaps bitterly, he wondered what she would know about pain. Though as she supported herself with a hand on the counter and the other braced on the wok’s handle, he dismissed the thought.

“Are you alright?” He asked, nearly nicking his finger with the knife.

Shiori’s energy was lessening as the days passed, like an ember flickering in and out, it was as if she was withering away slowly. Her gaze lifted and for a second the tiredness showed in her eyes but it was replaced with a reassuring warmth that might have fooled him if he hadn’t seen what lied beyond it.

“I am,” she says, too quickly to be genuine. “I was just thinking…”

Hiei hands the bowl of potatoes to her as she breaks up the bar of curry, turning the heat beneath the wok down to a simmer as she put the curry chunks in.

“It’s not fair of me to ask this but…” Shiori’s voice trails off, softer than before, barely above a whisper. “Would you continue to look after Shuuichi for as long as you can?”

While he couldn’t tell her the nature of how his arrangement with Kurama began, there was something about her voice that told him that it wasn’t what she meant. The exhaustion sept through her serene tone, a somber edge to her words lost in the boiling water and the subtle movements as she prepared the meal.

“Shuuichi is everything that a mother would want in a son; capable, reliable, intelligent, well-mannered, kind-hearted,” she breathes in deeply then sighs shakily, and the smell of salt hits Hiei’s nose. “There was a time where I wished he would be selfish, behave as a child would, and I forget who is the parent and who is the child.”

Though he smelt the tears before he saw them, the translucent trail running down Shiori’s cheek steals Hiei’s breath and he clutches the knife tighter.

“Over the last few weeks, he’s been more of a child than he has in the last fifteen years. Worrying, fretting, I worry what will happen to him if he keeps it all inside.” Her voice cracked and wavered as she spoke, hand trembling as she held the wok’s handle.

“It doesn’t matter to me if he has excellent grades, I just want him well and happy…” A bitter laugh parted her lips and she lifted her free hand, wiping away the tears. “Sorry, I must sound selfish.”

Hiei wasn’t sure what to say when she looked at him, dark eyes shimmering with unshed tears and a worn smile too practiced to be genuine on her lips.

“All I ask is that you stay by my son’s side, for as long as you can… please.”

It wasn’t the first time that Hiei had been left alone in the presence of Minamino Shiori and he doubted that it would be the last. He hoped and he prayed to whichever deity was listening that it wouldn’t be the last.

#yu yu hakusho #kurahi #kurama #hiei #minamino shiori #fanfiction #my fanfiction

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sns-tropes · 5 years

Text

fic: heart in your hands: ch10

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6,

Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9

chapter summary: Just when he thought he had it figured out, he's lost again. His only compass: a loudmouth blonde.

pairing: sasuke/naruto (ninja!verse) post-698

rating: Mature

warnings: angst, hurt/comfort

A/N: heyyyyy peeps. uhh so i was gonna scrap this whole fic. but then i thought, hey, no, i'm actually proud of this thing that i did. so anyway, here's another chapter. it's kind of angsty lowkey. i'm semi-satisfied with this chapter. hope you guys like it.

- jeni

The balcony is chilly. Sasuke lets the smoke fill his lungs through the end of a filtered stick of tobacco. He looks down over the side of the railing. He can see Shikamaru down there, striding slow, hands in his pockets like usual. Shikamaru looks up at him. Sasuke can’t see expression very well. He can’t see anything very well lately. He might need glasses. He might really be going blind by the time he hits thirty. Maybe even before.

It’s not light out yet. The sun hasn’t come up yet. There’s just a dim promise of it starting to creep up over the Konoha treetops in the distance. He sighs deeply. He doesn’t change out of his sleep pants and he doesn’t put his shoes on either. He strides through the apartment passing a sleeping Naruto in the bed, not bothering to put his cigarette out. Smoke briefly billows as he passes to the front door and down the steps. He feels strange, and a little too exposed. Shirtless. Armless. Makes him glad the village is still asleep.

Shikamaru is there at the base of the steps, standing on the cobblestone quite expectantly.

He raises a brow, taking in Sasuke’s demeanor.

“You haven’t slept.”

Sasuke takes a drag silently and blinks slowly, letting that be his only answer.

He gestures for Sasuke to walk with him. Sasuke follows for a morning stroll, still not caring about being barefoot. He feels reckless this morning.

He doesn’t know why they walk towards the gates. It seems like a mute point to come here. It used to be a place where he stood so many times and looked back at the village with the thought that he would never return. Funny how as much as he wanted it, it never quite worked out.

“Why’re we here?” Sasuke mumbles around nothing, pulling another cigarette from his pocket and lighting it with pure, concentrated chakra.

Shikamaru smirks, amused. “I’ve created a monster.” He says teasingly.

Sasuke shrugs. “Maybe.”

Shikamaru holds his hand out in waiting. Sasuke hands him the pack. Shikamaru lights his own quite mundanely with a regular lighter, mumbling something about how he’s not as crafty as Sasuke.

“You didn’t pass.”

“I didn’t.” Sasuke confirms, surprisingly feeling no tension over the confession.

“What did Naruto say?”

Sasuke smirks, eyes fixed on the thick brush of the forest. “That I don’t need to prove anything to anyone.”

“He would say that.”

Sasuke hums in response, taking another drag. Naruto isn’t angry or disappointed. Naruto loves him. But why does Naruto doubt him? Why does he think he’ll leave again? He never said it out loud, but his subconscious says otherwise. Sasuke is at an impasse with himself. Naruto fears are buried so deep that he’s not even fully aware of them. Sasuke doesn’t know how to bring something like that up.

Perhaps if there’s nothing grounding Sasuke to the village, Naruto assumes he will have no reason to stay here at all. And then he he’ll simply leave him. Leave him like he’s always done.

“What now?” Shikamaru pries, picking up on Sasuke’s brooding easily. Not that it’s hard to do in the first place.

“Wanna run away.” Sasuke half jokes.

“Shut up. No you don’t.” Shikamaru scolds, somehow managing to sound bored like always, but in a weird, wise kind of way. “What about Naruto?”

Sasuke laughs bitterly. “Want him to run away with me.”

Shikamaru scoffs. “You’re living in a romance novel.”

“So?” He says defiantly. So what if he is? Is that so bad? It's about time he did.

“So you think he would really do that?” Shikamaru asks, almost condescendingly.

“Don’t know.”

He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know anything. And it doesn’t show besides the slight tremor in his hand, but he is terrified. Terrified of even bringing it up. He was terrified always. Even a few months ago when he first brought it up. When he threatened to leave again and Naruto doubled over in sheer panic, losing his breath at the very thought.

“Tell him.” in a natural situation, it’s a fair suggestion, but really, it’s not. He doesn’t understand.

Sasuke laughs bitterly at this. Tell him he says, like it’s really that easy. Like it’s so feasible. Shikamaru doesn’t know about how Naruto’s breathe stops in his lungs, how he doubles over in fear, how he has haunting dreams about being left all alone again.

Sasuke can’t bear that. It makes him wince with regret to even think about how long it went on over the years.

“You don’t have to run away Sasuke.” Shikamaru states, tone laced with finality. “Don’t tell him you want to run away. Tell him you want to leave. And then ask if he’d like to come with you.”

“Okay. That’ll go well.” He quips sarcastically.

“You’re so fucking thick sometimes.”

“Excuse me?” He deadpans.

“You don’t have to be permanently gone. You’re not going missing-nin, jackass. Just go away for a while. Both of you. Take a damn vacation.”

“Vacation.” He repeats, feeling dumb.

“Yeah. A vacation.” He’s never heard Shikamaru talk so much. “Then come back.” He finishes his stolen cigarette, then crushes it in the dirt.

Sasuke looks down at the glowing ash as it dies down, his mind buzzing as Shikamaru walks away from him.

Sasuke looks into field study. He knows it’s a long shot, and it kind of feels like he’s reaching at this point. But he knows that if he wants to leave with the promise of returning, he can’t come back empty handed.

He sets an appointment with Sakura for late afternoon. Yes, an appointment. Apparently, she's much too busy to meet casually. When he sits down in her office she looks tired, but concerned. She seems eager to hear him out. She looks at him expectantly, knowing that he failed his evaluation.

He’s not sure how to open the subject. Her eyes scan over the meeting request, so formal and strange.

“You smell like smoke.”

He hums in affirmation, ignoring her nose scrunching is displeasure and she reads on.

“Field study?” She deadpans. “What did they do to you during that exam?”

Sasuke sighs, displeased. Not what he wanted to hear.

“No, no, I'm not rejecting the idea.” Her eyes lift, tossing the useless form in the trash. “There isn't much to cover. Field study is for Shinobi that suck at being shinobi.”

He knows that. At this point, he feels like he kind of sucks at being one. Or at least, that’s the way everyone here makes it feel.

“Is there anything open?” He asks, ignoring the aggravating thought.

“Your kind of over-qualified... and the only thing I can think of that would suit you is elemental Ninjutsu. Which is already being covered by more than the necessary researchers.”

He crosses his arms and sits back in the chair, not satisfied.

She takes in his demeanor, and perhaps for the very first time, sees through it. She sighs deeply, pulling out a large spiral bound text of who knows what, flipping to a tabbed page. She scans over it. He waits.

“There’s one.”

“What is it?”

“Kagero village.”

Sasuke doesn’t even know where that is, or what the hell he would find there. But it seems like that’s all she’s got.

“In the land of the mountains. There’s word that that the small village has unconventional methods of enhancing their chakra abilities, but not honing it for any type of physical or elemental ninjutsu. Seeing as Genjutsu is one of your strong suits, this would be ideal for you also.”

“Suspicious.”

“Yes, we think so too. But it also could just be rumors. For all we know, they could just practicing intensified meditation, or perhaps spirit healing. It’s all mysterious right now. The entire study would be about a year’s journey. Which is short for a field study. You would have to write a lot, speak with a lot of villagers, and most likely have to take up a semi-permanent residence. Traveling to neighboring villages for intel is also part of the job. The report is expected to be long, detailed, and handwritten in black ink.”

Sasuke gulps. “What’s the objective?”

“To learn and record. Nothing more, nothing less.” She tells him a clipped tone, clearly working up to a greater statement. “The benefits of completing the study don’t hold much merit. If you find something useful, you could use the study as easy entry to teaching.”

“Teaching?” He says quietly, staring to feel very unsure. He remembers his time at the academy like a poorly rendered slideshow of angst and irritation.

“If you wanted. It would be a good start. But there’s no obligation.”

“What are the qualifications?”

Sakura laughs. Genuinely laughs. “Chunin rank is all you need.”

Sasuke rolls his eyes. Of course, everything is still about stupid ranks and politics. And of course, the one thing he needs for this mission is the one thing he never got.

“You’re joking.”

“No. Normally you would have to rank Chunin or higher. But going through the exam now... Well- that would clearly be unfair. Especially with that.” She says, gesturing to his Rinnegan. Makes sense. “I’m sure Kakashi will clear you. Your skill outweighs your rank any day.”

He doesn’t need flattery. He just came for a job.

“Can I think about it?”

“Of course. It’ll take at least a week to clear you, maybe two. And then a few days for briefing”

He nods mutely. She crosses her arms, surveying him, gaze slightly scrutinizing.

“Sasuke, field studies... they're not lone missions. It has to be two or more shinobi.”

“I know.” He says flatly.

She purses her lips, looking accusatory. She opens her mouth to speak, then closes it. He feels like pushing the envelope.

“What?” He snaps. He doesn’t mean to. It’s that temper.

She leans in. “I know you want to get out of here. And right now, this seems like the only way. But... you should consider others as well.”

He scoffs. He hates when she talks like this. Like she knows everything. He stands to leave, worried that if he stays any longer, he’ll say something unnecessary that he can’t take back. He feels like a child being scolded.

“Sasuke.”

He stops at the door. Waits.

“It doesn’t hurt to ask him. But don’t do anything irrational if you don’t like his answer.”

He closes his eyes. Tries to breath, and leaves.

He only wants one thing right now. Well, two things. He wants to be with Naruto, and he wants to not think about anything. The complex is so quiet. He comes into a mostly dark apartment. Naruto is laying the bed, sound asleep. He looks peaceful, unmoving and breathing evenly. Sasuke sighs deeply, a part of him wishing that He came home to Naruto awake. He’s spent the whole day away from him. He didn’t mean to.

He changes into something more comfortable and turns on a dim lamp in the kitchen. The space is small. He can see Naruto halfway covered in the bed, as he puts a tea kettle on the stove, only a small table in the middle of the path.

He leans against the counter as he prepared himself a cup of tea. Mint. It’s supposed to calm him down. He’s not sure if it actually works. He boiled extra hot water, just in case Naruto wakes up.

He lets the leaves soak. His eyes hurt. They feel tired and strained, and often not like they're his own. Partially because in some way, they aren't. He wonders if it ever bothers anyone. Sometimes he forgets it’s there until someone like Sakura points it out.

He doesn’t think that Naruto minds it. Just like Naruto doesn’t mind that he doesn’t want to utilize prosthetics for his arm. He respected the decision, and even looked at him with reverence when he made the decision. A silent understanding passed between them. That’s something that he could never give up.

It’s great that they’ve been talking, that they’ve been communicating better, But Sasuke thinks he values the understanding in their shared silence more than anything else. They don’t have to talk. Not if they don’t want to. And somehow, he knows that everything will still pass between them with clarity.

It hurts to have this looming over him. He wants to do the field study. He really does. It sounds nice to just listen and live and learn, feeling unrushed, and unpressured to live up to anything, simply going day to day journaling all he finds. Which could be significant, or it could be nothing. There’s no expectation other than him simply writing it all down. He would have a year's time to think and reflect and get back to himself again.

But he can’t do it alone. He can’t do it without Naruto. And that’s the thing, isn't it? Is that he doesn’t know if Naruto would ever do such a thing. He has yet to even think of how to present it. But maybe Shikamaru was right. Maybe he should just say it.

And maybe he will. Not now, and maybe not even tomorrow, but he will. And he won’t do anything irrational. He’s promising himself now. He’s not going to be that person anymore. He can’t. And maybe Naruto says that he doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone. But that isn't really true. He does. To one person. Just Naruto.

His thoughts are suddenly brought to a halt. Naruto shifts in the bed, looking disturbed from his peaceful sleep. He tosses around, an irritated whine leaving his lips. He faces away from Sasuke now. He can’t see his face anymore. Sauske sets the mug down on the counter, eyeing him curiously.

His concern spikes when he sees Naruto’s shoulders start to shake. He thinks that at first, he’s imagining it. But no, he isn't. He continues to shake, and before Sasuke can even move towards him, he hears a small sob muffle against the pillow.

Something pangs in his heart. Something strange and sometimes foreign feeling, even now. He makes his way to the bed and scoots up beside Naruto, where surprisingly, he seems somewhat awake.

Sasuke blinks at him, not knowing what to think. He’s hurting. Something hurts.

“Why are you crying?” Sasuke whispers so low, he’s not even sure if he really said it out loud.

Naruto scoots closer, reaching for him. “You’re here?” His voice cracks. Sasuke’s heart thunders with worry.

“I’m here.” He says softly. “I’m here, Naruto.” He reaches up to push blonde hair off his face and look into his teary eyes. They’ve become so sensitive now. Maybe it’s age that’s made them weak like this.

“You were gone.” He says hollowly, like it’s some kind of premonition.

Sauske scoffs gently and pulls him close. “I was at the council building.”

“For what?”

“Looking for a job.” and he thinks that that's all he’ll really say about it for now.

Naruto doesn’t press. He stays quiet. Sasuke feels tired, but he doesn’t really want to go to sleep. And Naruto, even though he was sleeping before, is wide awake now. And it seems that they’re content like that, just staring on at each other for no reason in particular.

And then he sees it. He sees that mirror again. That mirror of pain. Of suffering. Of fear and anxiety. He sees himself, and he sees Naruto. He sees bright blue eyes that can be broken one moment and so hopeful the next. He sees someone who only built him up even when he was landing a punch.

He sees this person in from of him, lying in his bed in the late hours of the night and he can’t help it.

He loves him. He loves him so much.

He touches a hand to his face, and Naruto allows the comfort. He’ll allow any comfort. He asks silently with only his gaze and he think’s maybe he hears and answer through the slow blinks of Naruto’s bright eyes, even in the dark.

He kisses him. He presses his lips to Naruto and tries so hard to let it say everything he has yet to say out loud. And Naruto breathes it. He curves himself into Sasuke’s space and wraps his arms around him, like he might disappear if he doesn’t.

Naruto bristles away sleepily after a moment, and tries to ignore the ache of fear that still lingers in his chest. He’ll voice it. He voices everything.

“You’ll be here in the morning?”

Sasuke kisses him again, much softer than he thinks he ever has.

“I’ll be here.”

#hiyh #sasunaru #narusasu #sns #fanfiction #fic #fanfic #naruto #jeni #heart in your hands #ch10 #yhhimh

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marshmallow-phd · 6 years

Text

The Experiments: Bonus Chapter

(gif not mine)

Genre: Sci-Fi, Thriller, Experiment AU

Pairing: Fem!Reader x Exo (????)

Summary: You were a med school graduate who just wanted to help research cures for the world. Instead, what you got was a dream job at EXO Applied Sciences. That is, until you discover the secrets of Level Sixty-Six and the nine inhabitants that are stored down there….

Warning: Slight mentions of torture. Very minimum description.

A/N: Yixing was our winner for round one of the bonus chapters! His was interesting to write, I’ll say that. Hop you enjoy it!

Read the main story here!

It was happening again. He couldn’t bring himself to care. All his concentration was on not showing any sort of reaction. That’s what really got them off. Each slice into his skin burned the millions of individual nerves, ripping them apart as they all screamed in pain. He breathed in and out of his nose, keeping his eyes on the ground.

The guards snickered as they passed the knife back and forth between them. Even the orderly was taking pleasure in the show. His laughter was loud and uncontained, mocking as it slipped passed the cracks of the cell door. No matter how many times they tortured him, no matter how bad it got, he couldn’t let his brothers hear him scream.

His best option was to keep his eyes trained on the concrete and just let his mind wander. Blood trickled down his naked torso, tickling at his sensitive skin. The steel-enforced ropes dug into his wrists, just adding to the pain. Sometimes, he wished he didn’t have the power to heal. He wished the wounds wouldn’t close up and he’d be allowed to just bleed out there on the floor. At least then, he’d be at some sort of peace.

But that peace wouldn’t come. His cells stitched themselves back together at inhuman speed, completely unaware of his desires.

The door slide open and he wondered if the orderly decided to join in. With a twang, the knife fell to the floor and barely audible gasps escaped from the guards.

“Tell, me, did you have orders to do this? Or did you think you could just get away with this?”

A woman’s voice?

He looked up momentarily, just enough to get a peek at the newcomer. She wasn’t imposing, but the two guards cowered at her entrance, one’s hands visibly shaking in his peripheral. Should he count himself lucky that they were discovered? At least the torture was done for the day. He couldn’t remember if he was scheduled for more tests, but he was thankful for the interruption no less.

“You’d better say one way or the other, or I’ll make sure this goes on record. How do you think Dr. Wang is going to feel about this?”

“Th-there were no orders, Ma’am,” one of the guards stuttered. Funny, how easily they’re frightened. It’s a female doctor obviously younger than them, but she held an authority over them. Held their livelihood in her hands. Just a small taste of their own medicine.

“Oh, really? Then why did you think this was okay?”

He frowned. Her wording confused him. It was like the mere act of cutting him was disgusting to her, rather than the fact that they were caught or possibly messing with test results. Who was this girl?

“We were just bored,” the other guard whimpered. Bored. Yes, he could see how wandering the halls, free to look around and see the world, could be so boring. No one had ever tried to break into the facility, as far as he knew. The action the guards ever saw was if Jongin ever tried to escape or if Minseok was fighting back again. Those occurrences were rarer now, as they’d all resigned to their fate. However, that didn’t stop his little brother from trying. The guards had complained about his latest run during their previous session.

The female scoffed. “Bored? Well, then I guess the next time I’m bored, I’ll just tie you to a chair and see where the fun is in stabbing you over and over again. Does that sound like a fair deal?”

Slicing. Not stabbing. But the point was the same.

“Please, ma’am–”

“Save it. From now on, stay away from all the subjects. If I catch you back here, I’ll fill out every single incident form I need to in order to get you fired. Got it?”

His ears perked up. Never again? Was he really now safe from their knives and taunts? If that was true, then he could endure the rest. He could sleep easier knowing he wouldn’t be subjected to their sadistic tendencies. But would they listen to her?

Tripping over their heavy boots, the guards ran from the room, taking their favorite toy with them. When it was just the two of them left in the room, the female knelt down in front of him, making quick work of his binds. Even when he was free, he didn’t move. She might have stopped the cutting, but she was a doctor, evident by her long white coat. The years had taught him that they were the enemy. He wouldn’t hurt her, but that didn’t mean he shouldn’t be ready.

“Are you okay?”

His whole system froze. Never had anyone asked him that. No one besides his brothers. It was always the pain scale or what sensations he was having. Never simply how he was.

“My name is (y/n),” she whispered. It was a nice voice. Calming. He wanted to hear just a little more. “I’m a doctor here. I know it might not mean much with what I just said, but I’m sorry. Something like that isn’t supposed to happen. And I promise it won’t ever happen again.”

She understood. She understood that he wouldn’t see her as someone to trust immediately, no matter what her previous actions might suggest. She was smart. But he was never one to harbor hate. Never could bring himself to lash out like some of the others.

He looked up the doctor meeting her eyes. They were soft, open and full of pity. She meant what she said.

“Are you here to take me for more tests?”

She shook her head, a small smile pulling at one corner of her mouth. “No. I’m more interested in what’s in here.” She gently rapped her knuckles on his temple. “There’s no poking or prodding involved.”

He frowned. As the quiet, unresponsive one, the staff often sneered nasty insults his way about him lacking in intelligence. That his head was empty and he shouldn’t have been entered into the program anyway. It wasn’t true, what they said about his intellect. He knew that. But words are sometimes sharper than a knife.

“Everyone says there’s nothing up there.”

The doctor tilted her head to the side, studying him. “Now, I doubt that. I think there’s a whole a treasure trove up there that’s just waiting to be found.”

He tried to fight it, but kindness was his weakness. Genuine, un-scheming kindness was something he hadn’t seen in a long time. She was like a ray of light sneaking in through this hell hole. If he couldn’t talk to his brothers, then he at least could talk to her.

“Why don’t we both sit on the floor and start our session there, hm?” she suggested.

He nodded and as she stood back, he slid out of the chair without hesitation, crossing his legs under him as she did the same across from him.

“Now,” she opened the notebook she had thrown to the floor to untie him and placed it in her lap, readying her pencil, “why don’t we start with your real name?”

“Yixing.”

Her smiled grew, making his own lips mirror the reaction.

“I like that name. It suits you.” She tilted her head the other way, studying him again. “You’re more gentle than the others.”

Unsure of how to respond, Yixing kept silent.

“You didn’t fight back.”

It was simply a statement, but it was as if she was summing him up in that small sentence. Not questioning why he didn’t, not saying that he should have. He could easily have thrown the guards against the walls when they tried to restrain him. But he didn’t. He didn’t want to be what everyone called him, he didn’t want to prove them right. He wasn’t a monster. But that was only part of the reason.

“If they stay occupied with me, than they won’t move on to my brothers.”

The small smile slipped from her face. Her shoulders visibly slumped as her eyes left his face, concentrating instead on the pen in her hand.

“You all care for each other so much,” she said softly. “It’s… incredible. The bond you all share. Everyone so far has been concerned for everyone else.” She looked back up at him. “You know, I’m almost jealous.”

This admittance confused him. He was in no position to be envied. “Jealous?”

The pen slipped from her hand, realizing her mistake. “Oh, no! I didn’t mean it like that! I – uh, I just meant the love you all have for one another. To have people you’re close to like that; where you would take on pain and brutality so they didn’t have to. That’s what I meant.”

Yixing actually felt sorry for her. The longing in her voice was something he was very familiar with. He didn’t remember much from before he was brought here, but he did remember feeling lonely. He remembered not belonging and having no one to turn to. At first, he had trouble connecting with the others who seemed to grow close very quickly. But over time, they drew him in and kept him close. His family.

“Do you not have a family?” he asked.

She nodded. “I do. I have my parents. Unfortunately, I’m an only child. I have a few other close relatives, grandparents, an aunt and uncle. I don’t see them much. They all live in another province. I call my parents when I can, but it’s hard to find something to talk to them about most days. I’m not exactly allowed to divulge my work to outsiders. I love them, but there’s just some sort of disconnect. Ever since–” she stopped.

Yixing waited patiently, not wanting to pry into something she obviously didn’t want to talk about.

“Ever since I was a teenager,” she finished.

“What about friends?”

“I’m not the best at making friends,” she admitted. “Not really since… I was a teenager.”

There it was again. A flash of sadness at a memory. Yixing was curious as to what could have happened to affect her so deeply, but he held his tongue. She was the doctor here, not him. She was supposed to be prying into his life, seeing things through his eyes, not the other way around.

“What about you?” she inquired.

Yixing shrugged. “I was scared, waking up here. I was scared of the others as well. But soon, they helped me. They became my friends. And then my brothers. I hope that one day, we can all be together again.”

The smile was back on her face, if marred by sympathy. “I hope so, too.”

“And I think maybe,” he took a deep breath, looking her in the eye to let her know that he was serious, “you’ll make friends soon. I believe we could be your friends.”

241 notes · View notes

deveharrington · 6 years

Text

💣 PhD Thesis: An objective assessment of Davinique 💣

Submitted to: The HMS Davinique’s Captains Quarters

Author: someone who cannot even comprehend their own interest in this topic.

Disclaimer:

This is a very in depth analysis of Mr. Duchovny and Ms. Pendleberry as I see them. What I say may on the surface contradict the notion of respect but please know that I do this OUT OF respect for them. Mainly, I want to know them better and know them as a real human beings, not infallible ideals.

Also, sorry to David Duchovny himself for continuously referring to him as “David”, as if I know him. I don’t. Ideally I would only refer to him as “Mr. Duchovny” but I got tired of typing that out. Sorry Mr. Duchovny! lmao.

Abstract:

My conclusion is that the Davinique relationship has its meaning inside Mr. Duchovny’s head, as in, it has everything to do with David’s inner psyche and unresolved emotions. Then there is the conflict of David’s mind clashing with his reality. For now, I can only conclude that his behaviours are operating in an attempt to address a truth he may not even be able to admit to himself: that, in this stage in his life, he is feeling bored and lonely.

He may also be confused about the current state of his life and unsure of which direction to take next. I want to elaborate on the evidence at hand rather than just simply label it as a “midlife crisis”. The best way I can describe my stance is that I see David as someone who has a lot of energy to give and a lot of drive to succeed, but right now he has no idea where to focus his efforts. In this way, we could see his relationship with Monique as a target for his energy. There is also the appeal for him that it is brand new, like a new “project”, and it relieves his loneliness.

I don’t believe this relationship is purely about sex. But I don’t think love or genuine partnership are involved either. To me, this relationship has nothing to do with what Monique can offer David on an intellectual or companionate/partner level. I see the main driving force of this relationship being what it offers to David as an opportunity to do something for himself and through his own efforts.

By analyzing his behavioural pattern, I have also concluded that David does not know how to properly process his own emotions, and this leads to chaos in his behaviour and subsequently his real life. Yet, David is very good with words and arguments and can always justify his own actions in the end. So he essentially lives within this cycle. Perhaps frustration arises when it seems like he is making the same mistakes over and over.

In order to come to my conclusion I approached the relationship as if it were entirely serious to both David and Monique. There is always the possibility that this is simply a relationship of convenience on both ends, and I think this is the default reaction of anyone who views this relationship purely on the surface. Out of respect to David though, I tried to view it through his perspective.

I feel like this is the closest I can get to a direct explanation of their relationship: that the relationship exists to make David feel better about himself. And the person who is making David feel better is not Monique, but David.

Theories are under the cut! Thanks so much to anyone who reads this ❤️

To preface: On the subject of Monique and why I am focusing mainly, if not solely, on David for my analysis.

There will be a lot of focus on David, if not solely a focus on him, in my analysis. This is because I believe that he took advantage of Monique, her lack of maturity and experience, and manipulated this situation for his own gain. I see him as the instigator of this relationship, the one who calls all the shots, and this may be part of the appeal of the relationship to him (more on that later).

To be fair to David, I also discuss that he may not actually be consciously aware of this, that he has used his proficiency with words and his independent thinking to not only fool Monique but also fool himself into believing that this relationship is appropriate.

I do not believe that Monique desires to be famous or that she craves attention (at least not to the extent that that is why she would agree to be in a relationship with David). I believe she has a genuine admiration, affection for and attraction to David. Her interactions with him are different from some celebrity relationships we may see and know right away are strictly PR. In some ways, David and Monique may actually have more “chemistry” than Peter Morgan and Gillian Anderson. As in, there is a clear business element to the Peter and Gillian relationship that the David and Monique relationship does not have. Also, I believe David and Monique are genuinely attracted to each other but David may not be completely honest about his intentions, and if this is the case, then shame on him.

And I know people will not like what I just said but I stand by it. And honestly, someone please argue with me on this, because even I am confused by my own instincts. But for now, I choose to simply follow them.

What I think is also happening, with regards to Monique’s social media posts, is that Monique is simply too young or too inexperienced socially to have any tact or notion of privacy within a relationship. And people will blame her for this but really the blame lies on David. He should have considered these things before committing to a relationship with her, and I, as well as the rest of the world, do not consider ignorance of social media a viable excuse.

However, I also cannot shake the fact that if she really cared about David, she would respect his privacy as this seems like something that is very important to him. As well, she must know how badly their relationship comes across, so why would she want them to be exposed to the public and David seen in a bad light? Some questions I simply do not have the answer to.

SECTION ONE: Theories addressing the foundations of David’s behaviours

While creating my theories, I noticed some common themes. I consider these to be foundations for his behaviours and expressions. These ideas may also be involved in the way he rationalizes his own behaviours to himself. But please remember that they are just ideas, and not facts.

💣[THEORY 1] A lot of his behaviour, and especially this relationship with Monique, is an expression of the intense love he has for HIMSELF. Yes, seriously. I am talking about ego. And when an ego is that massive it needs constant attention and maintenance. Later in the thesis I suggest that he requires constant stimulation, change, and challenge, and I think it is related to his huge ego.

To relate it to Monique, I see this relationship as an energy source for his ego. And he found a source that will give what he feels he needs for little to not cost to himself, so why wouldn’t he be attracted to this situation?

And that is ok to have a massive ego. What I don’t think is ok is people lying about themselves or denying what they are. And actually I suspect David may be doing some lying about his intentions and probably even lying to himself but I need to process that thought more.

💣[THEORY 2] David lives in his head. His novels demonstrate that he has an active imagination. Also, his interests seem to have an artistic and creative element to them. Therefore, with regards to his relationship with Monique, I believe that the meaning of this relationship exists in his head, and cannot be fully understood by what we see on the surface (for example, pictures alone).

💣[THEORY 3] David is shallow. Sorry to David for this accusation. For the sake of the theory, I will take it seriously for now. I will discuss this more in-depth later in the thesis. For me, it is more than just being shallow about women’s physical appearances. I feel like his actions and arguments can also be seen as shallow and also driven by shallow motives. It could be that he reacts quickly to things according to a shallow understanding of the world. This could also relate to another theory I will discuss that suggests that David is easily excitable. There is also another possibility that he is very self conscious, but this is just a thought to put out there for now.

For example, if I were to try to relate it to Monique, I could say that David got excited when he met Monique because he was overwhelmed with the possibility of the situation. Not just a sexual relationship, but just a new relationship in general. I mean, just speaking objectively, he must’ve also been thinking about the opportunities to have a partner who would conform mostly to his lifestyle and cater to him. And I think he is also the type not to waste time. I’m kind of grossed out by what I wrote here so I’ll just leave it at that. Again, its just an idea.

💣 [THEORY 4] David demonstrates an unwillingness to mature and change. There is some evidence of a habit of repeating the past because it services him, and he is just lucky that he has the privilege to live this way. He makes no attempt to try to learn any new ways of coping with his issues because his issues can be solved through easier means (examples: money or privilege).

💣 [THEORY 5] David demonstrates a fear of closure. Ok, now is the time for some wonderful Gillovny talk (I swear i’m not being sarcastic). I love trying to solve the Gillovny puzzle and I don’t even know why.

Under this theory I will use Gillovny as an example, or at least what I make of their situation.

I believe that David and Gillian love each other very deeply, and in such a way that “friends with benefits” does not do justice to their relationship. I think they know this as well. However, I believe they purposefully keep themselves in limbo, playing each other and playing themselves, even communicating indirectly between themselves, because they are afraid of the depth of their own love (really!! Its just my theory, lmao).

I think their love is unique, so it is unfamiliar. They cannot figure each other out like they would figure out a spouse, friend, or life partner. They cannot forsee how they would make the relationship work through a plan or concrete means. They can only know their feelings but I think both of them are also afraid of the fact that they cannot control their feelings. They simply cannot see what their actions will lead to, so I think they default to avoidance. Avoidance of commitment, deep intimacy, trust, and rejection are the things I see they would do out of fear. So they kept their relationship light and open, probably rationalizing it as some type of liberal relationship, when in reality they are afraid the other half would leave them at the drop of a hat.

At least, I believe there is more to their relationship than just “friends with benefits” or even just two people who once dated for a few years. To me, there is no way their relationship would capture people’s imaginations the way it has if it were simply straightforward.

OK! So on the subject of fear of closure I’ll just give this example: David and Gillian keep their relationship light because they are afraid that committing themselves would “kill” the relationship somehow. Maybe they see themselves as both being about “the chase”, rather than “the reward”. When in reality they are just deathly afraid. But I think that they are also denying themselves of the affection and intimacy that all human beings need. For what reasons? I don't know.

AND lets just contrast this with his relationship with Monique, as it is almost he complete opposite: NO WORK AT ALL! More on this later, it has been stated already that it seems like David took the easy way out, and I feel that that basically sums it up. But I will go one step further and suggest that maybe David wants the easy way out right now because he was recently hurt by his breakup with Gillian (Ok sorry, yep they’re not joking when they say Gillovnies are crazy lmao).

💣 [THEORY 6] David tends to deflect and project himself upon others, while keeping his own heart guarded. But I think he does this subconsciously (which will be discussed later in the thesis). He imposes himself but has no intention of actually listening to feedback and changing himself. This is an issue of communication.

In trying to relate this to his relationship with Monique, we could say that he wants to be the sole agent of change in a relationship and want that his own life and interests would take priority over the relationship. Actually, I can see how this would also be a burden on his relationship with Gillian (to be discussed later).

SO, actually, on that note, to those who have a strong reaction to this relationship, don’t worry. Because we actually cannot be sure of David’s emotional engagement in this relationship. I suspect there is very little coming from his end in terms of respecting his partner. It could be that Monique is literally just a sounding board for David to reflect himself and see himself. And a plus is that Monique will listen to david and consider his words because she does not know any better. Later in the thesis I discuss a theory that suggests that David trapped Monique into this relationship financially because of the traumatic experience of his divorce.

To try to illustrate my idea that he projects onto others, I will use an example from his “music”. David wrote a song titled, “Mo” (and yeah, its just a funny coincidence that it sounds like a nickname for Monique, lmao. Please note that he wrote the song before he met her, so I’m pretty sure there is no connection to her).

When speaking about the song he uses the general term of “people”, stating that “”people” don’t know when to quit, nor don’t know when enough is enough”. Um, interesting statements coming from David.

In my initial rage to the song I wrote this, lmao: David has the audacity to tell us/the world that WE don’t know when to quit. This song is about HIM but he is too glib to realize it or literally his defenses are so high that he cannot be that honest with himself.

For David, clearly it would be easier to present this song under some guise of being some form of all seeing prophet, tortured artist, poetic literary graduate or even just “dad having fun with the band” rather than ask HIMSELF these questions. He asks US, “when will YOU be satisfied?”. Its like he just took his sex addiction therapy homework and started singing it.

I think you get my point... he cannot face issues within himself so he tries to correct them in others. This gives him a brief moment of accomplishment but the fact remains that he has unresolved issues within himself.

Leaked footage of David writing “Mo”:

💣 [THEORY 7] He has been conditioned all of his life according to behavioural principles of reward and punishment (and this goes for every human being on the planet). He has habits he falls back on because they work, and he won’t change these habits because he has no reason to. This is no fault of his own, it is basic human behaviour. So, if his life has mainly been privileged then he will continue to act privileged.

For me, though, I sense something is wrong in that I also see David as someone who likes to expand himself and excel. So why is he like... stuck in a rut? spinning his wheels? My main assertion is that he is honestly just bored.

Even just compare his career right now to Gillian’s. She has so many projects coming up, and she focuses herself on acting and family, always improving. Could it be that David may actually have some self esteem issues? that he doesn’t believe in his own acting or he gravitates towards hobbies that do not threaten his self confidence, almost “collecting” them in order to build his identity? Its just a thought.

I believe he has a natural drive to succeed. But right now the problem is that he has no idea where to direct his efforts, and this leads to frustration. So, with regards to his relationship with Monique, he is focusing on her for now.

SECTION TWO: Theories of the mind

💣[THEORY 8] David is so smart that he has fooled himself. As in, he is so observant and insightful as well as so proficient with words and arguments that he has the ability to convince himself that he is correct in any situation, especially if the situation is also involving his emotions. The downside to this is that he has a hard time admitting his own faults or even seeing them. This would then interfere with his maturation process.

I stated in the abstract what I feel to be the cycle of David’s behaviour. I will re-iterate here:

Step 1: David becomes excited, his emotions take over.

Step 2: David acts without thinking, having rationalized to himself that perhaps “life is too short” or whatever he must tell himself.

Step 3: Chaos ensues in the real world, reality pushes back and is out of control.

Step 4: David’s privilege allows him to survive reality. David’s proficiency with words and his large ego causes him to rationalize in his head that he is correct. He succeeds, moves on, and repeats the same mistake in the future.

💣 [THEORY 9] David subconsciously gravitates towards and ends up creating these conflicts because he is bored. Ok, this is all I can come up with for this theory for now: nowadays he is singing lovesick songs for his ex-wife but, he’s the one who threw the marriage into turmoil so??? what dude?? lmao.

Actually, I think this idea is better explained in Theories 11 and 12!

💣 [THEORY 10] David is the type of person who gets excited by “newness”, potential, and opportunity. He is easily excitable and requires constant stimulation. Take for example, all of his scattered interests and projects. Could there also be an underlying fear of “finishing what you start” or seeing the end of things? what exactly does he want? i think he does not even know himself exactly what he wants. Perhaps he enjoys the process more than finality.

With regards to Monique, this theory is better explained in Theory 20.

💣 [THEORY 11] David is subconsciously drawn to challenge and competition. He has a drive to impress. I feel that this is the true David: an ambitious guy who excels at whatever he sets his mind to. I once referred to his “scattered interests”, but I also believe that he is very open minded and capable of learning very easily. Actually, perhaps the scattered interests are like a diluted expression of his true self, because for me, the sign that something is off is that he doesn’t finish what he starts or there does not seem to be progression within his hobbies. I know some may not agree with me and thats fine. What i’m saying is that what I see is him spreading himself thin but not fully committing or going any deeper into his interests. almost as if he collects them for his identity or self esteem.

And this is where I sense a little issue: why is he not trying to come out on top with his acting? Why is he not pushing harder to direct this movie that has recently been put not he back burner? Maybe I am just being too demanding of him (lmao) but perhaps he is giving up a little bit? Just a thought.

i think David is also used to getting his way, with women, with work, and honestly it has to do with his position as a white male as well. But I feel like his true nature needs to be challenged and perhaps he is feeling a frustration that he is not being challenged enough? Hence, the restless lifestyle.

Relating this theory to Monique, it could be that she is simply an audience that he can impress. And I think the lack of challenge is exactly what initially drew David into this relationship and is what keeps it afloat. *sigh*

💣 [THEORY 12] David subconsciously desires results from his actions that are not straightforward. Meaning, he himself is not straightforward nor does he want things to come easily or simply to him. Ok, so here is just my theory: that David does not want to simply say that the relationship is solely for sex or simply for partnership, even if the reality may reflect this. I think it just comes back to his ego and him wanting to see himself as deeply complex or compassionate or anything but simple.

In regards to his relationship with Monique, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has created his own logic, or moral reasonings for the relationship. Suffice to say that this happens mostly in his head, and undoubtedly according to his own moral laws that he creates. I also think he does this so that he cannot be judged according to society’s moral barometer, since, technically speaking, if the laws were created by him then we couldn’t judge him according to any other laws. Again, this is related to him living in his own fantasy and having the means in the real world to make that fantasy a reality.

💣[THEORY 13] On a very deep level, he may have been drawn to this relationship due to the complexity of it, for example, its moral complexity or the taboo nature of the age gap. If the relationship seemed complex to him he may have interpreted it as a challenge, and I think he simply loves challenges. I know that is a stretch to say, but its just a theory to consider.

💣 [THEORY 14] David is not in touch with his own emotions, and this is what leads to the strange manifestations and expressions of the self. As well as him not being able to reflect upon himself, admit or accept his own limitations. For example, he might not be able to admit to himself he is bored. How can he if he is under the illusion that he is busy? I will add more to this eventually.

In terms of “strange manifestations/expressions of the self”, I propose a theory that David feels lost right now, he doesn’t know how to act in a precise way because he doesn’t know exactly what he wants. So he puts out a vague expression, and when that vague expression rightfully receives a vague response, he becomes frustrated that he was not received exactly the way he wanted to be received. So it is a cycle as well.

Or, he may even just simply be in denial of his old age, but I don’t want to default to that argument just yet.

💣 [THEORY 15] David is out of touch with the current times, and chooses to be out of touch. He well and truly lives in his head, and can afford to. He is also trying to live in this modern world with very old fashioned attitudes.

💣 [THEORY 16] David wants to have his cake and eat it too. As in, David wants the fun but not the consequence. For the most part, he has always been getting his way. Most likely he has just become accustomed to this.

💣 [THEORY 17] David does not truly understand women, therefore he cannot fully respect them. He also does not see women as equals. He does not desire an equal partner in a relationship. This is a huge assumption and accusation and I apologize to David already, but I feel like I have to get it out there as a theory at the very least.

To preface this discussion, for me, mere political statements with no action backing them up is not enough. Therefore, David having a female lead in his newest novel is not enough to believe that he is not a mysogynist. I look at actions to form theories and beliefs. Especially when someone says one thing and does another, which, to me, is more telling than any words.

I just don’t accept an argument such as, “Because David does X, it means he is not a mysogynist”, since I feel like that attitude can express itself in a multitude of ways. I just see David as untrustworthy (sorry David!), because of all of his rationalizations and unwillingness to be open to new ideas. I don’t see him as hopeless, just stuck in his own world that works for him.

Having said all of that, I think this theory speaks for itself with regards to the relationship with Monique. I think it is obvious enough what is going on. Actually, would it be possible to see their relationship any other way? As in, seeing David as some form of female crusader trying to demonstrate that women are not only equal to men, but equal at any age, regardless of lack of experience, education, life-lessons etc.?

SECTION THREE: Theories of reality

💣 [THEORY 18] The subject of intimacy, as objectively as I can assess it. My conclusion is that Monique is simply the kind of woman that David is physically attracted to. I looked at the clues: in the past, he liked brunettes with kind of masculine faces, almost as if he wanted the woman to look like him. The woman’s body was masculine as well. I’ve stated before he has a large ego, and this is a trait of having a large ego.

@iva69s provided a lovely visual that sums it up:

💣 [THEORY 19] David trapped Monique into this relationship financially because of the traumatic experience of his divorce. I can see this as a component, but not the driving force of the relationship. Its just something to consider.

And maybe I shouldn’t use the word, “trapped”? I just mean that he is the main provider and most likely the one who calls the shots of all of their activities, together and separate.

💣 [THEORY 20] David loves being a father, loves teaching, and loves imposing himself. But now that his kids are grown, he misses them and feels lonely. Ok, i’m not even completely sure of this theory myself but I feel like it must play some role. Or at least, the pride of fatherhood is one aspect of David that seems genuine to me.

Being a father gave David the opportunity to also be a teacher, a hero, a provider, a protector etc. It also made him a main figure in his children lives, next to the mother. It was a positive role for him, it appealed to his ego, desire to impose, and love of challenges and unpredictability.

But now that his kids are grown, he simply misses playing that role. His kids are becoming more independent and he wants to try to hold onto the past. Enter: relationship with Monique, and the opportunity to keep being a teacher, hero, and provider.

And when I try to relate his relationship with Monique to being a father, please know that I mean this in the most objective way possible. I am in no way insinuating that David is a pedophile or anything related to that, that is a serious allegation that I do not claim to have any evidence for nor belief in.

So, here is a theory that I don't even know about myself but it just came to mind: maybe David also sees a lot of potential in Monique. He gets excited by this potential so is now trying to expose her to different countries, life experiences, and giving her life advice.

So, he is attracted to Monique’s youth not in a sexual way, but for what it means in terms of potential. On the surface it looks like something completely different (again, related to him not appearing straightforward), but in David’s mind, he has rationalized it as clean intentions, maybe even a noble cause.

Actually though, one thing I really cannot figure out about this relationship is why David would allow Monique to give up her post secondary education. This is appalling to me. And incomprehensible given what I thought to be David’s stance on the importance of education? Does he really think that he is a better teacher than post secondary education? That what he can give Monique would be better than a degree? I mean, I guess we can’t rule out this possibility.

💣 [THEORY 20] We keep asking, “does David not care how badly he looks with Monique?” and I think the answer is, YES, he does not care! When in the past has he ever cared about his image? And why would he start caring now? Just look at that poor fashion, those dance moves, those idiotic things that he’s said in the past. I think he’s an independent thinker who holds strong to his beliefs, and I respect him for that. The issue for me is that he seems unwilling to listen or be open to other perspectives, and unwilling to admit when he is wrong.

💣 [THEORY 21] His circle enables him, and he chooses his circle specifically to enable him. This is honestly just a theory, I don’t know anyone in his circle, I don’t even know David himself.

But one thing that strikes me is that his band that he travels with is comprised of younger guys. Like??? I don't even know.

Ok maybe I should do research? Does anyone know if there is someone in his circle that would benefit from this relationship? Are there any connections between the youths?

Wait, and what the heck are the adults that know David thinking in this situation? Maybe they just know that it is impossible to tell him what to do or change his mind? Ok, maybe I will look further into this.

Maybe this is not just a theory but the actual reality of the current situation. I have no idea. Things just don’t add up for now, I don’t even know if I can believe that no one around David has spoken up or has objections. God I wish I knew the dirt, lmao.

💣 [THEORY 22 - LAST BUT DEFINITELY NOT LEAST] Gillian is taken! What happened between them? No seriously. something happened. Is Monique just a rebound? God, I hate being pro-Gillovny, its torture! Does anyone know if, during the time Gillian and David were supposedly together (tumblr lists it as starting around 2012), was David spotted with anyone else? I mean, wouldn’t that be a giveaway that they weren't together? Would David ever cheat on Gillian? And if so, can I be the one to personally admit him to a mental ward? TOO MANY QUESTIONS!! And so much “painful” research to do 😇

Thats it! Thats the end! (for now) Are you still alive? I’m not!

#Thanks so much again #Davinique #David Duchovny #Monique Pendleberry #Gillian Anderson

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what-ever-happened-to-chip · 3 years

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Part 4: Junkie

*insert story and whole memory montage of joni and jesse's life* (I'm writing it now, but to make it complete I would have to write a lot more so i'll slowly add in some shit about it to maybe inspire the mood)

For now,

HOLY SHIT, where was I? Christian? I need a cigarette, what's wrong with my body? Who am I? "Hello Gray" A ghostly smile was plastered on Christian's pale face. "Gray.....yes I'm...Gray? What did you just do to me? Where's Jesse?" "I gave you Joni's memories and of course to see a memory the way it really was perceived, you had to had to have lived it. You just lived Joni's entire life. And in tandum, her mind is melded with her brother's so you just indeed lived Jesse's life to. They're minds melded when they were about 14 so you saw them at the same time then. However once you 'became' Jesse as well you saw all his memories too. Quite the anamoly indeed." I couldn't think straight...or I could. I felt invaded, however I had let this parasite in. No..not parasite, but my mind did not only feel like mine. I felt like 3 people. "You're fucked up, i gotta go..." I knocked the chair over getting up and bee lined to the door. "Oh, but you'll be back" he warned with a sordid grin. Nothing around me looked new, but it's as if I had 3 perspectives of it, but they weren't separate. I was all of us. I was we. But I was only myself still. I understood Joni now and I wish I didn't. What was I thinking? I paced around looking at everyone with shifty eyes and desperately needing an escape? I'd never felt so trapped, but yet apathetic, but not -errr i don't know what i think. They think that. She thinks that. I think....jesus christ. What the fuck is wrong with me, i need something....I

"Oh there you are Gray, please come join us. Lana's observations have led us to discuss, why Jenn has a special hatred for our dear Yuna here." I stared at him too long and forced myselves through the motions of sitting down. "I don't believe Jenn hates me, she's much too kind for that. I know when people are in love they want to protect it and the rejection of feeling your love might be not completely genuine hurts very deeply. I don't want to make her feel that way" "Indeed so Yuna, however I think you just proved my argument right. Jenn wishes you were a bitch so she could hate you, but you make it rather impossible." Marcus grinned at her, was he flirting? I've never noticed flirting from a girl's perspective before. It made me uncomfortable. "Yeah, but you never answered why she wants to hate Yuna, I just don't get it!" lana said confused even though she had more information than anymore. "Shall you be the tie breaker Gray?" 6 sets of eyes all gazed over at him with anticipation. "Uhh...what am I voting on?" "We tryna figure out if that Jenn girl is a THOT or not!" Buddy clapped his big hands together, silently laughing at his own opinion. "Yeah me, Marcus, and obv Yuna don't think she is a bad person just.....yknow confused, but, Buddy, Rikku, and Jesse think she's a cunt... I mean bad person. yeah." I stared at Jesse and wanted to agree with him. At first glance it felt as if I was looking at a reflection. I also wanted to forgive woman? What? I guess I like Jenn....but is she a bitch? I can't stop thinking of calling her my chicka....what the fuck? What do I think. I thought I was confused before. Why do they care what I think of all times? "Oh my god! I told you that he had a crush on Jenn! See Yunie! they should totally date, he LIKES her" The room instantly grew quiet as loud stomps dominated the room. "Who the fuck has a crush on Jenn?" He scanned the room with murderous eyes. He stared at Marcus suspiciously longer than anyone, but landed on Gray. "Uhh hey man you got that hit you owe me...you....fucker?" Why was I saying the insult like a question. I have no idea how I talk. "You best stay the fuck away from her if you don't want me to kill your unborn children" That hit my chest heart, it hurt so deeply, yet I knew he had made that joke every day this week and it just meant kicking me in the nuts. The crotch. I had never once felt ashamed of having a penis, not once in my life, until now. But i didn't think that. She did. OR he. I was was having a very hard time finding deciding what 'I' thought. "Not if I do it first!" I yelled out impulsively. Is that what Jesse would say? That's so lame. Laughter burst out throught the room. I felt even more shame and wanted to say another self depricating joke just to get through it. I also wanted a drink reaaaaaally bad. Aiden looked even more suspicious at me. "Fuck you guys I got better shit to do" and with that I scurried away. As days went by I knew I was Gray again. I couldn't tell Joni what I did and she seemed none the wiser of my quiet acceptance of her. Jesse seemed more suspicious, but I knew now that his jokes most of the time were desperate paranoia to be in touch. I thought he was just a joker, but the new found knowledge I had made that simplification of him impossible. Like the lonely intimacy junkie I was I couldn't help it, but to want to see more lives now. Once again I was in the same position in Christians room, this time I sat across from him knee to knee with my palms up. He suggested since he had seen everyone's life that I should start with Yuna. How it felt to have to send Tidus for the 'greater good'. It seemed nice to think about it in a positive way and I was right. When I came back from Yuna's memories I had known pain, loss, and sorrow, but no matter what I had enjoyed everyone moment of life. She truly cherished every experience and every chance she had to be alive. She looked back on all her memories fondly because she got to live them. I was fine feeling the glow of Yuna's mind, but as with any high it wore off and I wanted more. Our sessions became more or less weekly as I let him shape me around the perspective of the comrades around me. Things got darker with Zack, but the integrity I felt and pride in my position made it all worth it. SOLDIER was my (his) life, yet it betrayed, used, and lied to him. It didn't matter what the organization had become SOLDIER was a code he took and vowed to keep to the end. To protect and serve mankind. To be a hero. I felt similarities in Rinoa's fighting spirit and the belief I had in myself with all her decisions. She really did like herself. She would think she was wrong for almost a split second and quickly decide she was right. It wasn't even her fault she had that big of an ego, she was taught to, yet despite it she rebelled for what she thought was right. Roxas proved to be more lonely, the loss of identity and the questioning of your own reality. With is, I saw Sora's too. The metaness of seeing memories through memories was not lost on me and added to a long state of confusion, when I became Gray again. The adventures of Zidane's rogue lifestyle, let me explore the world, feel things deeply, enjoy any piece of life you had, yet have the heart to mourn for important things and fight for truth. I now knew the appeal of cocaine for a performer. Marcus for the entirety of his life was utterly and completely pleased with himself. He hardly ever felt lonely, scared, or unsure, not in any existential way. The guy didn't even mind being dope sick, he reveled in the extremes of being in a human. He truly did believe Aiden was the most fascinating person he had ever met. He died almost as an inside joke to himself. Christian and I exchanged out quick goodbyes and spoke briefly of perhaps the next person he will show me. I left in a good mood. I safely made it out the door...or so I thought. Aiden burst out from down the hall and grabbed my arm and leaned in close to my face. He stared into my eyes long and hard in a way that made me feel terribly vulnerable. "So you went and saw Christian today?" "What do you mean? I mean yeah...I was looking for you man, back off what the fuck do you care?" "I think your a fucking idiot, but your life" "You hang out with him all the time so who are you to talk?" "yeah but what I do with bitch boy is a whole fucking other game to what you're trying to get off on. Dont' you see?! He'll give you sum chumps memories, all fun and games, but then he'll get bored. And by then you're probably hooked so he can stick his greasy fingers in you head and do whatever he wants. I'm sure he gave you Yuna's huh? How was being the happiest person ever? Or Aang? I bet that zen buddhist shit was real comforable. but just wait and then he'll give you something shitty ones like Tidus's. Ever thought about what a schitzophernic's brain looks like? Well i'll tell you what, it looks the same. From his point of view his life looked just as normal's as any fucker as boring as Jerry's" "Jerry?" "The dude my mom fucked. Oh you'll find out soon the way you're going. But you know what? When you get to be Gray again and know that you just lived the life of a crazy dude and no one believed you even though he or YOU knew you weren't crazy. Well jokes on you, turns out you were. You'll never forget understanding that fucker. Or maybe Gaara might be a blast. 12 years of complete anguish and loneliness, the pain, the need...the need....." He closed his eyes and started rocking back and forth, grabbing at his hair and scratching his temples. He was starting to sound pretty nuts, which didn't bother me usually, but this time I was terrified. Terrified, because for the first time since i've known the guy his paranoid, weirdo, bullshit that I always wrote off as crazy, was now starting to make sense to me. "I dont' give a fuck if you fuck up your life holding hands with faggot boy, but I won't have you get in the way of mine. You think Christian's a saint? A fucking weird, but thoughtful guy that helps you understand your friends and gets Aiden get his memories he forgot back?" The more he started saying his own name like it was a strangers, the tenseness in the atmosphere grew. I wanted him to stop talking, I didn't want him to do anything to risk what I wanted to keep doing, but if he disillusioned me how could I continue? " Yeah fucking right. Sure he'll give him back his memories (the him being Aiden himself), but not after he jumbles a bunch of random people's realites in there with them and have me guess which ones are mine. But I don't have to guess, I know the ones that are mine. Because they are the worst thing some one could ever do. If any of those good memories were mine, I wouldn't have forgotten them." Maybe Joni was wrong, if he goes through that every day he must be trying to make things right. Forgetting might be easier, but he takes the bad to have the good. "But if I see everyone's memories. I did everything. Meaning I did nothing. I don't know what bad things I did, so how's any of it my fault. Anyone's memory looks the same as mine. Aiden's memories are his fault. I didn't do them. All i know is what I know. Nothing. Everything. I'm no one but who I want to be. I just want one thing. But i can't have that one memory, I need all of them or else I am what I did. And I won't be him. I won't." Holy shit Joni was right, he's totally checked out. Pretending he isn't his own reality. I pondered about how delusional Jenn was about him. Was that her naturally or did Christian doctor her mind for the benefit of his friend. She's alive right so it doesn't matter he killed her? That's insane. It's all fucked up. I never wanted to think about these things in so much detail. "I got it dude, i'm done" He smiled for a second than decided to take the more stoic route and with dead eyes mutterred, "It will never be done" With that he pulled his jacket tight to his body as if giving himself a hug and stormed off.

#cheeseskittles

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blackjacketsandpens · 7 years

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finding your way

Part of the tower ghost series, a ‘part 2′ of sorts thanks to the DotO ending~! Death of the Outsider spoilers.

“What will you do now?”

He winces slightly -- her voice is loud to him, despite knowing the words are being spoken in a normal tone; everything is loud, though, out in the world -- and looks down, gaze trailing across the city beneath them and towards the distant horizon, where sky meets the sea. “I think...I’ll go to Dunwall,” he says, voice quiet.

Yes, Dunwall; he doesn’t have to look at her face to know she knows why -- they’re in Dunwall, after all. The two people who -- against all odds -- he’s grown attached to. The two people they both knew that proved that people could find it in them to choose well.

“Not surprising,” she says, looking almost amused. “Any idea how you plan to get there? Or have you thought about that?”

He blinks. “...oh,” he says after a moment, hands fluttering absently to pick at his sleeves as he thinks; even now he can’t quite stop them from moving. He always needs to be in motion, can’t stay still. And he has even more reason to, now, doesn’t he? This is all rather overwhelming -- the woman beside him did the impossible, and now he’s here. Standing on solid ground, standing in the sun, for the first time in four thousand years. He had never thought it would happen, or that it ever could. But he’s part of the world again -- he can live again.

It makes him feel very small, he has to admit. Only hours ago, he had been a god. He had seen it all, seen everything -- every choice, every turn of events, every possibility -- and now he was mortal. Now all he saw was what was in front of him, all he knew was the privacy of his own thoughts. It was at once a weight off his shoulders and...disorienting.

Not to mention how...vibrant everything was in reality. In the Void, it was all dulled; colors, sound, light, scent and touch -- muffled and deadened in his state of eternal dreaming. Out here, it was so much more alive, which was...it was hard to process it all. It was welcome, of course, after so long in silence and darkness, but the brightness stung his eyes and the noise, even up here just above the city itself, felt fit to deafen him. He could only imagine what the city itself would be like: the chaos of civilization was something he knew well, had seen so much of, but until now he’d never been part of it.

“Thought so,” Billie says, amused. “You’ve got no idea how to go about human business, do you?” The question was obviously rhetorical, and he couldn’t help the pout.

“Well, I know what I’d have to do in theory,” he mutters, irritated. Get passage on a ship and travel there the long way -- he isn’t naive or ignorant; just because he’s no longer a god doesn’t mean he doesn’t remember the knowledge he’d gained over his tenure. It was just...a lot to do.

“In theory,” she repeats, still genuinely amused, and he’s all at once insulted and somewhat pleased. She isn’t afraid of him -- that’s rare. And he feels as if...no one will be afraid, anymore. No one will know who he is, who he was. He’s just a boy again, a face in a crowd. Unremarkable. The thought feels...wonderful.

“I suppose I’ll have to get you started,” Billie says, startling him. “Can’t leave you stranded after all this.” She turns and offers him her good hand. “I doubt you want to stay here much longer anyway.”

He turns back to look at the mountains -- at the catacombs of cultists (who have lost their god; he wonders what they’ll do now, though he doesn’t care at all) and the eldritch fragments of those who had sacrificed him (who have lost their god, too, the one they made, and he cares about that even less), his prison for thousands of years -- and smiles thinly. “No,” he says. “I don’t.”

He turns back and takes her hand, warm under the smooth leather of her glove, and they head back down the peaks of Shindaerey, the woman who had once been Maegan Foster, and the boy who had once been a god.

He’d been right -- once they arrived in Karnaca, everything had hit him at once, hard enough that he’d nearly fallen to his knees, and Billie pulled him into an abandoned apartment building to help him sit down. He didn’t quite register her watching him, too busy folded in on himself with hands like nervous hummingbirds, unsure whether to cover his ears, his eyes, or whatever else.

“What’s--” She began, but stopped and softened her voice once she finally noticed him flinch at the noise. “Too much?” She asked instead.

He nodded helplessly, both overwhelmed and overwhelmed by the fact that he was. Everything was so much compared to the unchanging expanse of the Void -- all the light, the cacophony of sounds (even the quiet sound of footsteps seemed to echo like explosions), the smells of dirt and blood and spices and who even knew what else lay in the city’s gutters...and it only made him more aware of everything else, even the small things; the beat of his own heart, the scratch of his clothing on his skin, the lingering taste of copper in his mouth and the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed.

That this was normal for most people...he couldn’t imagine. A drawback to having been so distant, was it…? He didn’t quite notice Billie had sat next to him until a warm hand was on his shoulder. “If it gets to you this much, this might take a while,” she noted, keeping her voice blessedly low. “Not to say don’t take your time, though.”

Another nod from him, and there was silence after that. Well, relatively -- the chaos of the outside bled through the walls and even that was enough to drive him mad, he thought; how would he cope with living like this, if simply walking down a street sent him fleeing to somewhere to escape it all? He would have to get used to it, he knew that, especially if he expected to go to the even more crowded and chaotic Dunwall, but -- that seemed miles away right now, and in and of itself that was a frightening concept. To have to take the time to grow used to things, to learn things...time had never been an issue before, four thousand years bleeding into each other until he simply knew how long it had been from the dates on calendars as he watched time pass. Now he was part of the passage of time like everyone else, and he had only his small, mortal window into the world to process it.

He felt very, very small again, a pebble amid a quarry or a lone fish in the vast ocean. When was the last time he had felt like this, so...helpless? Not since before the knife had touched his throat, and he only remembered those times in fragments. But he hated that feeling -- he always had. To feel small and helpless...that was why he had given his mark, so that the people who received it didn’t have to be that way, because he remembered what it was like. And now here it is again...it was funny, perhaps, in a bitter sort of way.

Though the weight of a hand on his shoulder registered again, and he looked up at Billie -- who offered him a crooked smile -- and he...relaxed a fraction. Well, there was one thing different this time, perhaps: he wasn’t alone.

A week later, a freighter bound for Gristol had one more passenger aboard it -- a scrawny young man with wide grey eyes the color of the ocean during a storm. He was insatiably curious, the captain had to admit, hovering around the crewmen and asking questions about anything. Well, when he wasn’t deeply seasick; an affliction that sent him to cling to the railing, ghost-pale and wobbly, but still stubborn enough to stay on the deck to watch the sea.

For his part, the seasickness was unexpected, but unsurprising -- he actually found it funny when he was feeling better. For all that he had been associated with the ocean, he had never sailed before, even as a human. There was a touch of irony in the fact that his first time aboard a ship, he was laid low by motion sickness.

Though at least the sounds of the ship in motion and the chaos of the sailors was tolerable now. It had taken him a week to be able to grow used to the constant noise of humanity, but now it was almost a comfort. The constant noise meant that it was never silent -- and silence had been one of the most terrible things about the Void. Naught but eerie silence and the soft song of whales, in that vast and empty place. Among humans, he was never overcome by that same lack of noise: humans hated silence, he’d found, and until now he’d never experienced the result of that. Now that he had, though, he understood it completely.

Not to mention Billie wasn’t with him anymore -- she’d declined to go near Dunwall (not that he blamed her, with all that the place held for her) and instead had boarded a ship to Tyvia, to seek out Sokolov’s company now that she too had closure. He understood that.

He didn’t doubt he’d be forever grateful to her -- for doing the impossible, for forgiving him and freeing him, and for actually lingering to help him when she really hadn’t needed to. It was strangely reassuring, as it always was, to know that there were still some people who could change, who could choose the path of less violence. Someone like him, this time, who had never had a choice as a child -- though unlike him, she’d grown older, stained her hands -- and yet in the end chose forgiveness over death.

Humanity was certainly odd, wasn’t it?

The crew of the ship he was on, The Dancing Gull, had been kind to him too -- Billie had given him coin for passage, and they didn’t seem to mind when he was well enough to ask questions. He knew how running a ship worked, of course; he knew a lot of things from his years watching the world, but to watch and to experience are very different. He couldn’t help but be curious, to really know some of the things he’d only seen before. The men were glad to oblige, mostly, one even showing him a few sailor’s knots. It was more than a little strange to be among people who accepted his presence and spoke to him as an equal -- but he enjoyed it. He’d always been a little fond of sailors, as they were a superstitious lot, but not the sort of believers that had always left a bad taste in his mouth. They were far more casual about it, treating bonecharms and a little magic as part of the job and part of life on the ocean, not some sort of grand religion.

They didn’t question his strangeness, or the whalebone pendant he wore around his neck -- though part of that was that he kept it well-hidden most of the time anyway. It was one last gift from Billie, his mark carved into a fragment of bone; his name, to wear always, the thing that had been taken from him there around his neck so he would never lose it again. It had been a surprise when she handed it to him as they parted, a sort of gesture that wasn’t openly sentimental, but meant something all the same. It was appreciated.

It would take a week or so to get to Dunwall, the captain had said, perhaps more if the weather’s unfriendly -- but soon enough the skyline appeared in the distance, and he could see Dunwall Tower’s silhouette. Seeing it was...something eased in his chest, some odd bit of anxiety he hadn’t realized was there, and it was strange. But at the same time...maybe it made sense? Seeing the tower meant that he was that much closer to Corvo, to Emily -- to people he knew, and who knew him. Who seemed to actually like him, even when he was a god.

He was almost there, he thought. He still wasn’t sure what he would do when he arrived, but -- he would do something. It shouldn’t be hard, even with his newfound humanity...right?

Corvo was at the desk in his room that night, reading some reports Jameson and some of his contacts in Karnaca had sent over. Some of them were quite interesting, in a worrying sort of manner: this Eyeless cult, mainly. In a manner of months since Emily had burned through Delilah’s conspiracy, this cult of fanatic Void-worshippers had slithered into place -- even in official positions and popular members of high society -- and were startlingly influential. His contacts hadn’t found names, but had found quite a bit of worrying information. But two weeks ago, it had all disappeared. The highest members exposed, an entire fighting ring torn down, and the remainder of the cult in fragments. All his contacts could get out of any of them was nonsense, and an inexplicable mass suicide had quickly followed. And the culprit? No one knew anything about them, either.

(He knew enough to guess, though, but he didn’t have all the pieces.)

The more worrying thing was that his mark and Emily’s both had...not faded, really; it was still there and their magic still worked, but there was something more tenuous about their connection to the void. Something more...fragile? More wild. It was hard to put his finger on just what was different, but he was certain something was.

Lots of questions and no answers, he mused. And so little time to find them, given the city was still being rebuilt from what Delilah and her coven had done to it, and both Empress and Lord Protector (and Royal Spymaster) had their hands full.

A faint skittering noise distracted him and he looked down at a pull on his pants, picking the small, skinny albino rat up from where it had been trying to climb him. “You’re not one of mine,” he noted, amused -- his own little collection of the rodents (of which he had at least a dozen; he seemed to attract them thanks to his abilities and he’d ended up giving in and keeping a few as ‘pets’) all had a bit of black string around their necks so he could tell them apart. This one didn’t, but it was holding a scrap of rolled paper in its mouth, which it deposited into his hand.

Bird-friend, it said, in that broken little way all rats seemed to speak. Have gift for bird-friend, message from another friend. Says important.

“Important, is it?” He asked, setting the little creature on his desk, where it promptly made itself comfortable in his empty coffee mug. “And from a friend…?” Who could that be? He knew he was unique in his ability to speak to the rats -- Emily couldn’t, and the only other person he thought could had been old Granny Rags, and she was long dead. But someone else apparently could, and could send a rat to him with a message.

He unrolled the paper, smoothing it out and taking note of both the fact that it seemed to be ripped from the bottom of a bit of newspaper, and that the handwriting was...bad. Legible, but still a childish scrawl. Nonetheless, the mark drawn on the note -- the Mark -- told him enough, and the rest of the message sent some sort of chill down his spine.

My dear Corvo and Emily. Much has happened very quickly, and there is a lot to tell you. I can no longer speak to you the usual way, so this must do. Meet me where it began, and where Emily met her ghost. As soon as you can, preferably.

It seemed to be signed with the Mark and only the Mark, but the words of the note...the implications were all there, and without another word he stood and made his way to Emily’s quarters. If the sender of this note was who he thought, then...there really was a great deal to talk about, not least of which how in all the Void it was possible.

Where it began...the bit about Emily’s ghost made only some sense to him, but the rest of it -- he knew where it began, if it was who he thought, and it was only appropriate, he thought. One of the few places in the city the three of them would all be familiar with.

It was only a few hours later when Emily and Corvo reached The Hound’s Pit, though Emily had wanted to move faster. She probably could have, too, if it weren’t for their powers acting strange of late -- and if this was who they both thought then that was easily explained.

How it had happened she didn’t know -- and hoped he’d tell her -- but she knew it was him. Her ghost...only two people in the world knew what that meant, and one of them until recently had been a god. Until recently...why else would he have needed to send a message the hard way instead of speaking to them through dreams? It was hard to believe, but that was the only answer. How, though, she wondered. How?

She was the first one into her old tower room, Corvo several steps behind her and most likely amused at her rush. “Outsider?” She asked as soon as she pushed through the door. “Is it you?”

“You came quickly.” She stopped when she heard the voice, startled -- he sounded so much quieter, so much younger, it was strange to hear -- and then he stepped into the moonlight pouring through the window and she gasped, both in surprise and the realization that she’d been right. “I’m grateful -- it’s cold out here.”

It was her ghost -- the Outsider. And he was unquestionably human, his eyes no longer endless pits of ink and shadow but...normal, a very pale gray ringed with the shadows of tiredness. He looked more human, too, oddly -- his skin wasn’t that of a drowned man’s, blue-white of death, and he seemed smaller, somehow. Less comfortable in his own skin, less confident. Small and mortal, no longer a god.

She was across the room in moments, tangling him up in a hug and almost awed to feel the beat of a heart against her chest. “It is you!” She said, amazed. “How is this-- you’re human! How did this happen?”

She paused, then, stepping back and letting him right himself, the former god looking more than a little startled, his hair a bit mussed and expression bewildered. “Sorry,” she said, laughing and sheepish. “I didn’t mean to startle you. That was...I came on a little strong, didn’t I?”

“It’s fine,” he reassured her, an awkward, uncertain smile settling onto his face. “I...should have expected your enthusiasm.” He fidgeted slightly, his usual habit of remaining in motion seeming more nervous than unconscious now. “It’s good to see you, Emily.”

“You too,” she said. “I’ve been worried the past few weeks, especially since our marks have been acting strangely. And now you’re human? What happened?”

“A great deal,” he admitted, moving to perch on one of the old chairs that still sat in the tower’s room; it was funny to see him walk there instead of simply transverse, she had to admit. Still studying him in the light as he gathered his thoughts, there were more and more little things she noticed that she’d never noticed before -- maybe because they hadn’t even been there before now. The calluses on his hands, nails bitten to the quick; his nose was crooked, she noted, and there was a pale scar across his neck that had certainly not been there the last time she’d seen him. It was like the Void had erased every physical quirk or flaw and now that he was mortal they’d all returned. “But the short, simple version? An old friend of yours was asked to kill me, but she decided not to, and this is the result of that.”

Emily blinked. “An old friend….Mae-- Billie?” She asked, correcting herself. That was the only person she could possibly imagine getting involved in something like that. “Who in the Void would ask her to kill you?”

“Daud,” Corvo said from right behind her, and Emily nearly jumped in surprise. She elbowed him gently for that and he swatted her arm, but continued. “It was Daud, wasn’t it.”

He just nodded. “Yes,” he replied. “Old and dying, I suppose he was searching for absolution in his last days, and thought that killing me would soothe his guilt.” Emily wasn’t sure what would, personally, but she certainly doubted killing the Outsider was it. “I can’t blame him. But either way, Billie Lurk felt differently, and in the end...here I am.”

“Here you are,” Corvo said fondly, stepping around Emily to stand beside the Outsider. “How did she do it?”

There was silence for a moment. “...my name,” he said finally. “She found my name and returned it to me.” His expression turned wry. “It turns out it was very close to me the whole time, the name that was stolen so long ago.” He reached out to Corvo’s covered hand, putting his hand on top of it. “My mark.”

“The mark is...your name?” Emily asked, and was met with a nod. “Then...I’m glad to have it,” she said with a smile. “That way it won’t disappear again, right?”

A moment of startled silence, and then he nodded. “I suppose so,” he replied. “I certainly don’t intend to lose it again.”

Corvo put his other hand on top of the Outsider’s, somewhat surprised at how small it was like this, how warm. “We’ll make sure that won’t happen,” he added, and after a moment bent to pull the Outsider into a hug of his own. Again, the Outsider seemed genuinely surprised at the contact, frozen and wide-eyed, but relaxed into it after a moment. Emily didn’t blame him -- Corvo gave the best hugs.

“Now, the three of us should be getting back to the tower,” Corvo said after a moment. “It’s late.”

Emily almost laughed at the Outsider’s expression. “...what?” He asked.

“The three of us,” she repeated. “We aren’t leaving you here. Did you really think--” His face answered that. “We would never! You’re...sort of family, really. And we owe you, you know that. Of course we’re taking you back home.”

“Oh,” the Outsider said quietly, and then he smiled, still uncertain and awkward, but it was the most human expression she’d ever seen on him. “Thank you.”

Emily beamed at him, putting an arm around his shoulders as he stood. “We’ll have to go the longer way, unless you don’t mind going with Corvo -- he can carry someone while he transverses. I can, too, but what with how I do it…” Both she and the Outsider laughed.

There was a pause as the three of them headed outside, Emily having dropped her arm to take his hand, and Corvo turned to him. “What is your name?” He asked. “If you’d like to tell us.”

The Outsider looked shocked, as if he hadn’t thought about telling anyone until that moment. “I--” He began, shaking his head. “Of course.” They couldn’t just keep calling him the Outsider, and since he had a name now...the more people who knew it, the harder it would be to lose again.

“My name is...my name is Emrys,” he said after a moment, saying it almost hesitantly. “Emrys.”

“Emrys,” Emily repeated. “Well...alright, then, Emrys,” she said, giving his hand a squeeze.

“Let’s go home.”

#dishonored #doto spoilers #death of the outsider #the outsider #corvo attano #emily kaldwin #( billie cameo )#fanfic: dishonored #character: emily kaldwin #character: the outsider #character: corvo attano

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isolated-loser · 5 years

Text

Log 0025, 6:49pm, 9-15-2019

And here I am again.

Quick up date. I’ve been in colleges, for about a mouth, I’m falling all of my classes. Mostly becuss I have no real motivation. I’m no longer, really wanting, to go into computer science. So, it’s just like, eh. I still don’t have a job. Honestly, I hate that fact. If I had been trying harder to get one I’d have a job by now, but I really haven’t been trying. I don’t know if, I even what to continue trying to go to college. Really I don’t know any more. I’m so confused. I want to be able to make money painting minis. But I need to do other thing before I could even start that. I’ve been practicing my coding some, and I do still enjoy that enough. But that colleges stuff is too much. I haven’t given up yet. But gods do I want to. I wanted a doctorate, but like I don’t thing that will happen.

So, I’ve gotten a boyfriend. Which, honestly, feels odd as hell. I have dome drafts form when we first started dating. Witch I’m going to clean up a tad and put here.

START- A text I sent to Queen when she asked about this shit:

True, all of that, true. But like 3 in the afternoon were chatting of discord. He asked how it was going and I was all like just woke up might got to nerd shop later if the car isn't fucked, then he was like, like it’s my day off, and I wouldn't be opposed to hanging with you at The nerd shop, and I was like that would be cool but I don't really have a way to get they do eh, then he was like, like I'd come pick you up but we're probably not at a point we're you trust me enough to tell me we're you live, and I was like honestly I've told people I didn't have jack shit but a name where I live so I probably would, then he was like I'm down if you're down, I'm like fuck it the tell him my address, then like a hour later, he picks me up we hang at little wars till like 7 something then we hang out in the parking lot for like hour, then we walked over to a pizza place and order, then like wonder around for like an hour just chatting, then we walked back over to pizza place get the pizza, then walk back over to nerd shop parking lot and chat for a nether hour and a half, before he drove me home, we have like a shitty car hug and I'm like. would you get out of the car for a real hug, he's like yah, then we hug, and hug and chat for like talking about how fucking weird this shit is, we probably said good bye like 20 times, then just kept chatting, then he said something about want to kiss me, so I just fucking kissed him, which devolved in to making out for while. It was generally extremely pleasant, not going to lie. We have plans to hang out again later today.--

So today was… I ended up making out with a guy, I didn’t know extended Friday. This has been the most, idk, day. Like…like… I legitimately didn’t know, how I this happened. I’ve never like, really kissed someone. But. Like just. He’s so awesome. Like we’re both like, this is weird. It was--

So like… Witch-Boi & I have been really fucking touchy, like, I like it, but I didn’t even know he existed last week. And he’s had his hand all over me, I have a bunch of hickeys, and like he’s so fucking sweet, I’m fucking petrified, I’m going to hurt him. Gods Witch-boi is so good with his hands. I just can’t handle how nice his body feel pressed against mine. And I love the way he kisses. Just fuck me. We’ve known each other 4 days.--

Everyone is all like the fuck you doin, which is like how even my brain is going.

I mean Witch-Boi is just so adorable. I don’t know what the fuck my brain is doing to me. Being around him isn’t even awkward. This has just been so easy; like, it feels good on more than a physical level. It just feels so natural, like, nothing feels like it wrong, or forced. I just want him to be happy. Like, I feel safe with him. It’s just so... Gods I want to touch him, I want to be near him. He sounds so genuine, when he talks to me. He says such sweet things. I’m so scared for him to see me, the me behind the smile and the happy go lucky personally. He seems so kind, like a genuinely good person. I don’t want him to know how angry I am, how cruel I can be, how deeply fucked up & broken I am. From what he’s said, and how he is, I know he’s got damage. I don’t want to add more. I want him to be safe, from me, & and the hell scape that is my head. I’m not just trying to focus on his--

STOP--

100% honest, on this whole relationship with witch boi, has been weird. It when form 0 to 100 really fast. I don’t know if I really like him, or if I was so lonely I’d take anything. Like he’s good. He hasn’t done anything wrong; he’s never tried to make me do anything I didn’t want too. He’s caring, sweet, & loving. It doesn’t help that on our third date, I said something that he took as a profession of love. So what happened was we stopped to get him something to eat, and he was being all in insecure about the fact that he’s balding, and said like you’re the only one who can see me without my hat, and I replied reflexivity with, “I love you with or without your hat.” Literally as the words were coming out of my mouth, I was in my head like, fuck I don’t mean it like that fuckkk, fuck, fuck. Then he was like Ahh! You love me, I love you too! I’m so glad you’re not weird about saying I love you, cuss romantic love isn’t that different to plutonic love. That was our third time hanging out, ie the 4th day of knowing he exited. On our second date we ended up cuddling in his car, were he sead something like, at this point if you wanted me you could pretty much just have me. After knowing him a week, I ended up spending the night with him at one of his friends homes, in which we ended up borderline fucking in that guys mothers bed, we would have fucked if ither of had condoms. The next day we did end up fucking in the front seat of his car, it was the first time I had ever had sex with a guy, like he’s just the right size, I almost came, it was really good. Like, we work well in that area. And the fact he plays magic is really hot. but It’s been a month, I’m still over here not sure if I’m just into him for the sexual activate or, if his positive trait out way his negative traits. I don’t really know how I feel, or if I’ll ever know how I feel about him. I certainly like him, & I trust him, and care about him but I’m not 100% on if I love him. Like I say it, but I don’t know if I’m lying.

So, Wednesday, the 11th, After some stupid shit with witch boi’s car, where I got to see how he is when he’s in stressful situation, that pulled all my insecurities about the relationship to the forefront of my mind. I got a ride from the Nerd Shop with eyebrows, in which I had to give directions to my residents, showing off how awful I am at knowing where I am. And when we got to my place I gave eyebrows a shit side car hug cus, hugs man. Then he joked about at least not kissing me. seid some shit and wish him luck in his girkl drema. The he was like sit done and let’s talk for a min, then we like shot the shit for like an hour, he told me about the drama going on with Presh, some old traumas as well. Like, I never knew how broken he was, it’s really like fucked. We talked about all kinds of shit. I talked abit about my relationship with witch boi, and how I’m so unsure about it. We talked about sex. And how he knew I had a crush on him, like no shit. He said, I had a nice ass, low key that was funny as hell not going to lie. At one point eye brows asked if I had masturbated to him, which I wasn’t going to admit to initially, but I was coursed into admitting to it. He then told me he had masturbated to me before. So like that was a weird fucking night.

Friday 13th, hung around the nerd shop, got to see some of my favorite people, did some minis painting for the first time in forever, and by forever I mean a mouth. When Witch Boi and I were fucking around in his car, he made me cum for the first time; I don’t think he believed me when I told him. Like it wasn’t a top shelf, what the fuck just happen orgasm, but it was defiantly and orgasm, nonetheless. His insecurity pisses me off, like I really hate it. He’s just wonderful, he shouldn’t feel discourse towards himself. Like he’s really good at what he does.

Like, how he swirls his tongue around mine. The way he shacks when, I’m licking his ears, it’s just so. Feeling his cock twitch throw his paints its, when I lick his ear in just the right way, or whisper so softly that he’s mine. Gods, hearing him beg for me to touch him, the vulnerability & the desperation in his voice, the honeyed words that flow of his lips, from soft whispers to house shouts. The way his claws dig in to my thighs. Feeling him bite into my neck. His head in between my legs, licking and sucking at me, just because he wants to pleasure me. The way his hand feel gliding against my woman hood, before he pushes a finger inside of me. Feeling any of him inside of me is enough it make me, willing to say anything.

I’m sure there’s plenty of other shit left to cover form the past mouth, but I’m done for right now. i’m going to try and pick this up again, though,

Signing Off…

Favorite song today: Humans by The Faim Mood: dead lows, sky highs, tad of alright, and a good bit of numb

#idk #personal #bipolar #boyfriend #life #where am i #umm #college #not having a job

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