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bugli-bugli · 4 years

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TW: insults towards depression and anxiety, toxic behavior, father/parent mention, trauma discussion, self-harm mention, suicide idealization

just a rant because im just too fucking tired of the bullshit of other sites.

i’ve really taken for granted how non-toxic tumblr is in the nice little corner i’ve tucked myself into. since i’m pretty desperate for money, cause now i think ill just have to live off disability if i can even get it.

I gotta say my mutuals and the people who reblogged my donation post, im so fucking grateful for you and i cant thank you enough. but besides the point, rant.

posted my donation post on twitter and later reddit, like the naive fool i am. the first comment i got on the twitter one was very homophobic and the guy was just an overall creep upon a quick look on his tumblr. i responded to him but immediately deleted it cause i knew thats all he wanted was to make me angry. think i was able to get him banned but fuck if i know.

this is more about the lovely reddit post i got

sigh im not going to bother replying and i just reported them, but i wanted to get out of me all the shit i wanted to say. just, first of all i know trolls and shit just do this to get attention, but this on the fucking r/donate subreddit like??? why isn’t it moderated better?? besides the point

i dont care if you believe my donation post is a scam, whatever, believe what you want and move on. i understand there is a lot of people out there trying to get money they can easily get themselves, instead they take it from goodhearted people.

you need to grow the fuck up. i redirect back at this person because, you spent your time, what? hating on a post that might be a scam. and they regularly do this to from just a quick look. so immature and annoying. this hurts so fucking much to hear too cause it strikes a perfect nerve of trauma.

anxiety and depressions are perfectly valid reasons to not be able to hold down a job. they sound like my fucking dad. i have panic attacks when people raise their voice or if there is too much going on around me, like tvs and crowds and what not.

ive mostly been sleeping lately and cant even make myself do simple physical tasks. not just because of my depression but because of my chronic joint pain that i still haven’t fucking got working medication for yet.

plus i have 472147921 other disorders that i havent been able to get diagnosed or help yet because of my stupid fucking parents. who finally are getting me help after years upon years of having obvious mental issues. ONLY BECAUSE a big argument that my sister had to speak for me in, because i went nonverbal and was hysterically laughing because my dad denying he called me fat.

but yeah i cant even brush my teeth, or shower, the only hygiene habits i have are because if i didnt do them my brain would make me have a panic attack or some intrusive thoughts of self harm.

how is it fucking entitled to ask strangers to donate, H O W? i dont think i deserve this, i dont think that im better then other people, im posting this because others who are in similar/worse situations posting donation posts gave me the confidence to do so.

yes im so entitled to be begging on my hands and knees for money because capitalism and my body and mind are working against me. im not even saying HEY DONATE AND IF YOU DONT DONATE YOU ARE A FUCKING HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING. or anything even remotely close to that.

i gave the needed information and background as to why we would need money, and why we struggle to get it ourselves. and asked that people at least share, but there is no obligation to go any of these things.

i know i cant live my entire life on freelance transcription but it is LITERALLY THE ONLY JOB I CAN GET. yeah just simply go out and get a real job, because you can totally form sentences around strangers and dont feel like you are going to throw up from anxiety. its not that hard.

i totally have the endurance to do whatever it is necessary in whatever shitty ass 8 hour shift job i could get, because every step i take doesn’t physically hurt. because after walking too much, my knees wont give out ever, that never happens. because i dont have a fear of failure because my dad totally didn’t get mad at me when i took to long to learn something. i have no trauma related to that at all. im a totally capable human being.

all of these last two paragraphs are sarcasm btw if that wasn’t obvious

i dont even know what couch sufing on craigslist even is. i had to look it up. how is that advice, how. oh yeah just live on other peoples couches, people you dont even know. thats not dangerous at all like HUH?!?! fuck no. if i wanted to get myself killed id do it myself.

also shelters are totally safe, and never have any issues whatsoever. i didnt ask for fucking advice that was going to make our situation worse you p.o.s.

also i know what im fucking doing, im researching and trying to make the most feasible and realistic plan to leave. even if that is i have freelance transcribing jobs and disability and my sister has whatever job and my so probably in the same boat as me. im not just going to move out without the needed things unless i was kicked out. which, as of the moment, none of us are currently at risk of that, yet.

if it really came down to it where Brutus would need to be rehomed, we’d probably do it. but he means so fucking much to us, we dont want to rehome him because we dont have anyone we can fucking trust to take care of him and we arent just going to give him away to whoever. Brutus and my pets and my sisters are all part of our family, and we aren’t just going to fucking give them away.

whatever, the rage is gone, im tired and i want to cry, this wasn’t posted for attention or anything i just wanted to rant. please dont leave negative comments im not in the goddamned mood.

#long post #my post #rant #mental health #personal problems #please dont give advice i dont want any #tw #parent tw #father tw #trauma tw #rant tw #caps lock #depression #anxiety #delete later #maybe idk

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96xie · 4 years

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2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.

#phew #old mutuals im on twtr! keep in contact with me there!

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heartfucksmouth · 4 years

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Started the day off with a panic attack in the middle of the grocery store. Gripping the handle of the carriage to steady myself, I closed my eyes and tried to breathe. Tried to block out the noise of the crowd, the closeness of everything, the rampage of my heart.

On the drive home, I wondered if I'm feeling worse than I was at this time last year or am I just getting worse than I recently was?

I havent had panic attacks in what feels like a long time. This is my second in a month. Something has crawled up and made a nest in my brain. Something dark.

#personal

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the--blackdahlia · 5 years

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This Life Chapter 17

Title: This Life Chapter 17

Summary: Dean Winchester is the Vice President of the motorcycle club The Hunters. After almost 7 years in prison, he's free. But things have changed and Dean has to figure out how to put things back together.

Warnings: Language

AN: Thank you love @sams-serialkiller-fetish . The song for this chapter is Summertime Blues by Joan Jett.

“What are we still doing here?” Ruby asked the morning after the funeral. They were all gathered back at the garage, trying to figure out what to do. “We buried Benny. We should be heading back to California.”

“That requires having to go near Horsemen territory. And we kinda just killed one of their members.” Andy told her. “We’re just gonna stay here for a little bit and figure things out.”

“That’s why I’ve called in some reinforcements.” Meg said.

“Who?” Cas asked. That’s when a yellow AMC Germlin pulled into the lot.

“A friend.” Meg said. “She’s a genius. She can help us keep track of the Horsemen.” A redhead got out of the car with a smile on her face.

“‘Sup bitches.” She laughed.

“Guys, this is Charlie.” Meg introduced her. “She can hack anything.”

“So can Ash.” Cas said, crossing his arms. “You’re just bringing another person into the crossfire.”

“I laugh in the face of danger.” Charlie said, smiling. Cas just rolled his eyes and headed over to where Caleb and Jim were. “Is he always this friendly?”

“Trust me, the Hunters aren’t exactly a warm and loving bunch.” Gabriel sighed.

“One of them was.” Ruby added.

“And Sam’s not too bad.” Lucifer said with a shrug.

“Sam is one of us. Not one of them.” Gabriel pointed out. “So of course he’s awesome.”

“Guys, let’s face it,” Andy said, looking at all of them, even Charlie. “Sam might be one of us, but his true home and family is here in Wolfpine.” He motioned over to where Sam was perched on a stool, watching Dean tune up Baby. “And I have a feeling, he won’t be going back to California with us.”

“So, do I get to meet this mysterious Sam?” Charlie asked.

“Of course sweetheart.” Meg said. “I’ll go introduce you to anyone and then we’ll get you set up.” She led Charlie away from the other Wayward Sons.

“I wonder what she’s supposed to be doing here?” Andy asked, looking at Ruby and the brothers. “I guess we’ll find out.” He said when no one answered him. He made his way over to where Meg was introducing Charlie to some of the Hunters, ready to find out.

****

Charlie was set up in the office by Ellen, typing a mile a minute and looking at reports. Ellen was impressed to say the least. Charlie was a woman on a mission obviously.

“You need a job?” Ellen asked. “I’ve got about fifteen years of files that need typed up and organized right. I’m no computer expert and Jo’s not that fast of a typer.” Charlie laughed some.

“Maybe when I settle down and decide I don’t want to be a grey hat anymore.” Charlie told her. She had a beautiful Blueberry iBook and a Wifi card. So Ellen assumed that she was doing something to make some money. “I heard someone say that they were sending me help?”

“Um, I’m not sure.” Ellen told her. “What do you need help with?”

“Nothing. That’s why I’m confused.” Charlie told her. That’s when a bright orange El Camino pulled into the lot, Lynyrd Skynyrd blaring from it. The engine was cut and music stopped as Ash climbed out of the car.

“Relax everyone, I’m here.” Ash said. Caleb laughed and Cas wenet over to talk to him. A few minutes later, Ash was walking into the office with Ellen and Charlie. “Who’s this?”

“Charlie.” Charlie said to him. “And I don’t need your help.”

“Tracking the Horsemen can be a tough challenge. And I did go to MIT.” Ash said, flipping his hair back.

“MIT? That’s cool. I went to Cornell.” Charlie told him. “And I think I can manage just fine.” Ash flopped down on the dirty old couch that set in the office and got his own laptop out.

“You might be able to handle it just fine, but I want to help anyway.” Ash said. Ellen laughed a little.

“I’m just gonna go find Bobby. It’s getting a little too crowded in here for me.” With that, Ellen left, leaving Ash and Charlie to stare each other down while typing away.

“Watchya lookin’ at over there?” Ash asked, glancing at Charlie.

“Things and stuff.” She said. “You?”

“Updating my stock portfolio.” He said with sarcasm seething.

“Well, if this a competition, may the best woman win.” Charlie said.

“Oh I intend to…” Ash realized what Charlie had said and glared and started in on his search. He was going to win.

****

“Why is Ash here?” Sam asked, looking to where they had set Charlie up. Dean looked over and shrugged, not sure why he was here.

“I called him.” Cas said. “I’d rather have someone from our team working on this. I just don’t trust some of those Wayward Sons.”

“I saw the way you’ve been looking at Meg.” Jim teased. Cas’s face turned red.

“I have not…” Cas said. Bobby laughed.

“Guess Cassie boy isn’t as much as monk as he wants us all to believe.” Caleb announced.

“You guys are all assholes.” Cas said, rolling his eyes. “Anyway, I wanted a backup in case this Charlie isn’t as good as Meg said she is. And I trust Ash more than I trust Charlie.” There was a motorcycle pulling into the lot. Gordon got off his bike and headed to them.

“Hey guys.” He said.

“Hi Gordon.” Bobby said. “What can I do for you?”

“Bike’s making weird noises. Can you check it out for me?” He asked.

“On it.” Dean said, heading over to Gordon’s bike. Gordon looked at Sam and his eyes widened slightly before he plastered a smile on his face.

“Hey Sammy.” Gordon said. Sam frowned more than he already was.

“Hi Gordon.” He grumbled.

“Okay then. Uh, point me in the way of the bathroom?” Gordon asked. Sam motioned to where the bathrooms were and let Gordon on his way. Gordon made his way in and shut the door. He thought Azazel was going to kill the crown prince. Alastair had sent him there to scope out the situation. He noticed Benny wasn’t standing around with them like he used to. So that was one down.

He looked around the small bathroom, wondering what he was supposed to do next. He looked at the sink, ready to splash his face to get his head around everything, when he saw a bracelet laying there. A bracelet he had seen before. It belonged to Sam. An exchange gift when he gave Dean an amulet that was supposed to protect him on runs. Sam had lost it once when Gordon was over and he thought the kid was going to have a panic attack until they found it.

It was perfect.

Gordon pocketed the bracelet. He wasn’t sure why he did, but it seemed right. He gave himself another minute before he headed back out. Dean was wiping grease off his hands talking to Caleb. He looked up at Gordon.

“Just a couple loose wires.” Dean told him. Gordon nodded.

“Don’t have a job for me, do you?” Gordon asked.

“No man. Sorry.” Caleb said. Gordon nodded again and went back to his bike.

“Well, thanks for the fix.” Gordon said, starting up his bike and driving off. Dean looked at the others.

“Something doesn’t sit me right with him.” He said. Sam nodded in agreement. He looked around.

“Anyone seen my bracelet?” He asked.

“Sorry man, I haven’t.” Cas said. “It’ll show up though.”

****

Gordon made it out of Wolfpine and headed to New Mexico. He stopped close to the state line where Alastair was waiting for him. The Horsemen looked like he was ready to fight. Gordon just hoped it wasn’t with him.

“What did you find out?” Alastair asked.

“Everyone was there except for Benny Lafitte.” Gordon reported. “Even Sam.”

“Damn it.” Alastair sighed. “Azazel was a capable leader, but he let his emotions get the best of him.”

“I snagged this.” Gordon said, handing Alastair Sam’s bracelet. “It’s Sam’s. I don’t know if it will do any good or not…”

“I actually think I have a plan.” Alastair said, smirking. “Good job Gordon. You’re definitely a Horsemen.”

Forever Tags: @anathewierdo @i-would-die-for-woodland-demars @dekahg @marvel-af @feelmyroarrrr @nanie5 @imboredsueme @gemini0410 @aiaranradnay @babypink224221 @mogaruke @xxwarhawk

Dean Winchester/Jensen Ackles Tags: @luciathewinchestergirl @sheris532 @bobasheebaby @flamencodiva @bella-ca

This Life Tags: @soulslaststand @jamielea81 @caplansteverogers @becs-bunker @colie87

Supernatural Tags: @bandobsession98 @mrsdeanfuckingwinchester @fangirlsencyclopaediaofweirdness @ilovetardis @missihart23 @cloudyskylines @supernaturalwincestsblog @sams-serialkiller-fetish

#this life #sam winchester #dean winchester #supernatural #Jared Padalecki #Jensen Ackles #fanfiction

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blankdblank · 5 years

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After This Pt 2

Pt 1

Tags –

@letsbeinspiredby, @himoverflowers, @theincaprincess, @aspiringtranslator, @sweeticedtea, @ggbbhehe4455, @thegreyberet, @patanghill17, @jesgisborne, @curvestrology, @alishlieb, @jogregor, @admirationofarmitage, @fizzyxcustard, @here2have-fun, @lilith15000, @marvels-ghost, @catthefearless, @abiwim, @jotink78, @c-s-stars, @evyiione, @sweetlytenacious25, @tigereyesf

…

Doriath bustled with confused Elves wondering what could be holding off the ceremony. Sunrise would be coming swiftly as a cry was heard, “Not without her!” For all that should have made that voice come from the merchant’s Son that had so long ago claimed you as his, the voice came from your Father’s Cousin’s only Daughter, Glawar, the young Elleth stealing the object of your affections. In a tear laced voice she repeated to her Father, “I am not marrying him without her blessing!”

Her Father sighed as he replied, “This marriage has been planned for months now, everyone is waiting. Get your circlet on the Lords are getting anxious.”

With a stomp of her foot she relied, “They can be anxious! I told you I would not marry him if she refused!”

After another sigh he replied, “One Princess!” His words echoed after her as she left her tent and started making her way through the curious crowd all looking on as she opened the flap to the tent with the waiting groomsmen and bridesmaids that all smiled at he curiously before her head disappeared again. Your best friend and former Lady in Waiting attending to your every need frantically scanned over the crowds whispering your name with silent pleas you hadn’t done what she imagined you to be planning since the news of her union broke. In the distance she spied her Brother racing up to her with a shake of his head. “No sign of her. All of her belongings, armor and weapons are gone.”

At that her lips parted and tears filled her eyes in her race to the Groom’s tent. Hastily the flap was torn back to find the young Elf standing staring at his formal attire still hanging before him. His lips parted but before he could say anything his worry filled eyes scanned over the pair and Father entering after them as Glawar stated, “Lilo is gone.”

Slowly Thranduil nodded, “I noticed her vanishing at the announcement earlier.”

Glawar weakly squeaked out, “And you said nothing?”

Thranduil wet his lips only to hear his Father state, “We should be preparing for the ceremony. Sunrise is coming.”

A shake of her head later Glawar stated to Thranduil in a broken admission, “I cannot marry you. Not now. Not without her blessing.”

Oropher, “Lady Glawar, I understand your-.”

She cut him off sharply, “You understand nothing! I have tried to explain this and I am tired of arguing with all of you!” Her eyes locked on Thranduil, “Why haven’t you said anything?! Lilo’s belongings are gone without any word of where she has fled to.”

In a frantic inhale Thranduil’s eyes filled with panic as Glawar’s Father stated, “This has gone long enough! I understand she was yours to serve but the arrangement has changed. Tuli will see to her now.”

Turning to face him she stated, “This has nothing to do with my serving her! It has everything to do with her happiness and why I cannot go through with this unless she has given her blessing!” She looked at Thranduil lost in thought again, “Why are you still silent?!”

Glawar’s Brother stated, “The guards have been informed, they will search the grounds, get dressed at least.”

Her head shook again with a huff at her intended, “I will search for her myself!” Before she could turn her Father blocked her path. “Move!”

He placed his hand on her shoulder only to have it brushed away, “Stop being selfish and get dressed!”

His eyes followed her hand that met his shoulder to brush him aside before her Brother gripped her arms holding her there as she shouted back, “I am the only one not being selfish here! You knew! You of all people knew!” She forced him away from her then looked to Thranduil, “Arm yourself we are going to find her!”

Thranduil nodded turning to grab his twin blades sitting aside to be added to his formal clothes marking his place on the guard while Oropher stated, “No one is going anywhere except down that aisle at sunrise!”

Glawar scowled at him, “You better pray I find her unharmed or I will ensure all that was done to her is inflicted on you!”

Behind him Taule, his Wife entered with a pant stating to Glawar in an equally tearful voice, “A guard mentioned he spotted her leaving armed when the dancing began.”

Another grip on her arm came from her Father behind her, “We will search, you get dressed!”

She tore free from his grip again, “Why couldn’t you allow her to be happy!”

With a sigh he stated, “What is this of her happiness? The Princess has all she requires.”

Glawar, “Everything but the Husband you are trying to force into marrying me!”

His brows furrowed, “I will hear nothing of that! You know as well as I King Ingwe-.”

Glawar, “I am going to find her and you best pray I am wrong when I do!” She pulled her arms away again in her step back adding, “Two years they have been wed! I am not marrying him if she is carrying his Child!”

At once the air in the tent changed and Thranduil after a momentary pause and a soft broken whisper of, “What?” met her stride out into the night as their relatives raced to arm themselves and joined in on the hunt that spread through the Kingdom at news of the missing Princess. A search that would soon end as the Elves searching fled from the approaching Feanoreans.

… Back in Erebor Present day ...

In the dimly lit halls of Erebor you knelt, finally upright in your first calming breath your eyes locked with Balin’s who softly told Nori, “Fetch the younglings.”

A shake of your head later you whispered, “No. I am well enough, do not disturb them.”

At your side Thorin’s hand met your shoulder to ask, “What is wrong?”

Wetting your lips your pinking eyes met his to say, “The King, was my Husband. Last I saw him was in Doriath, before it fell.”

Dwalin, “You’re the Prince’s Amad?”

Balin, “We were told of his Wife’s passing centuries ago.”

Your head shook, “His second Wife, my distant Cousin carried Legolas.”

Thorin’s eyes scanned over you asking, “What of your Daughters? What would you wish us to do?”

Your eyes scanned over to the young Princes on their path down the stairs saying, “Something’s happened to Thranduil, he’s collapsed.”

A tear streamed down your cheek and you forced yourself to your feet “I will speak with them. They will want to meet him.”

Ori wet his lips, “I’ll keep an eye on the King. Make sure he stays.”

Balin glanced at him, “I’m certain Laddie, if he’s not met them there’s no chance of him leaving without doing so.” His eyes met yours when he stood as well, “I take it you told him about them? Why he fell?” You nodded and turned to go up to the Royal Wing.

Slowly you walked up to the Royal Wing as the Dwarves stole glances at the kneeling speechless Elf King. The eyes of your Children landed on you as the eager gazes from your Daughters landed on you catching your weakened smile in your walk to the kitchen. Wetting your lips you leaned against the counter beside them as Nin asked, “Ada is here?”

A nod was her answer before Niph asked, “Our Brother too?”

Softly you stated, “Yes.”

Red, “Is the King upset?”

“He is stunned it seems. I am not dead, and he is going to be a Grandfather.”

Rin, “It is quite an amount to learn at once.”

Nin wet her lips and inched closer to you smoothing her hand over your bare lower arm under your rolled up blouse sleeve asking, “Are you in pain?”

You forced another weak smile at them, “It has been ages. Simply a shock to see him again. Even with him being announced.”

In the distance a soft echo of a howl was heard and Red stated, “That would be the Wolves.”

You nodded and eyed their eager glints trapped in their eyes, then said, “Why don’t you finish breakfast, we’ll let the Dwarves and Bilbo eat, I’ll fix up our sitting room for a tea. When the Wolves arrive I’ll invite your Ada inside.” Giddily they prepared the breakfast the curious Dwarves came up to enjoy before their break to split leaving Thorin and Dwalin remained behind so the others could rest in their rooms. Their two toughest remained up to reinforce your place in charge of the meeting they knew to be taking place.

On his knees still the Elf King sat as another howl sounded nearer to them making their eyes turn to the Southern stretch of forest with a growing line of Wolves grew closer to Erebor and the curious group of Elves inching into a wall around their frozen King. Nearer and nearer they came without any sign of shrinking, what they assumed to be normal Wolves grew to three times the size of their distant kin reaching five feet at their backs for the smallest. Dryly the Elves swallowed gripping their bows until they flinched at the sound of the gate opening again to what they hoped would be their saving grace. Eagerly they tried to urge the King up again only to glance at you, the same Elleth that had brought their King to his knees appearing through the opening once again.

Nearing the group Legolas rushed to your side asking, “Would King Thorin allow us shelter?” His eyes scanned over to the approaching Wolves.

“They wont harm you. I give you my word.”

His eyes scanned over you and he asked, “Who are you? Ada wouldn’t say.”

“My name is Lilótëa Ingwëon.”

His gasp halted your words, “Ada’s first Wife?”

Your lips parted and you softly asked, “He told you about me?”

Legolas shook his head, “No. I read your name from the records. Naneth mentioned her Cousin she served a few times, and that you fell when Doriath was attacked. There was no name for my elder Sibling.” He paused for a moment then asked, “You mentioned a Grandchild?”

You nodded feeling the mournful King’s eyes landing on you both as you stated, “You have two elder Sisters.”

A smile lit up his face before it dimmed for a moment and he asked, “Did you know, when you fled about them? Ada never mentioned-. Naneth, no one speaks of you or your Children. How did you know me? And you never came to visit us?”

With a sigh you replied, “Our history is complicated, and my decisions have led to this predicament. Your Ada and I were married for barely two years. It was never public, the match would not have been approved. Your Naneth, before I left it was announced they were betrothed, it was all arranged by our families.”

Softly he asked, “You left?”

Tearily you replied, “Glawar, she loved him, and did not deserve to be humiliated by my announcing the secret union. Your Ada did what he could to honor his agreement to the union, including trying to stop seeing me as his Wife.” Legolas’ lips parted, “For how this sounds, I assure you, your Ada had no choice, My Ada would never allow me to marry the Son of a Merchant, One or not.”

Legolas, “So you left…But your Daughters?”

You released your lip after a quick nip at it through your glance at the tear stained King listening to you both, meeting the Prince’s eyes again, “I never told him. I’m not certain how he found out, I didn’t wish to complicate matters, and by the morning after I left the city was up in flames. I had no idea, until word spread of King Oropher’s passing that any of you were alive.”

His head turned to the wolves now halfway across the plain, in a steady trot, again before he looked back to you, “Where have you been all these years?”

“Fangorn.”

At once it dawned on him, “You’re the Wolf Queen.”

You let out a weak chuckle, “That is what I am called by some. I still prefer Lilo though.”

He nodded then eyed the mountain asking, “My Sisters?”

“They are preparing a meal. You look hungry, would you care to join us?”

He nodded, “Yes I would.”

You turned and crossed to the King whose eyes followed your path with parting lips for words that still ceased to sound as the Elves around him bowed their heads to you greeting you as their Queen much to your irritation from their listening in. Firmly you gripped the chest plate of protective armor before you and helped the unsteady King to his feet before your head tilted slightly before you stated, “You’re taller.”

He nodded, then cleared his throat, “Growth spurt, after.” Another tear rolled down his cheek, weakly he asked, “Daughters?”

“Ninquelótë and Niphredil.” Thranduil nodded and wet his lips uncertain how to ask his next question, “And yes, they married well.” Unable to help it he let out a breath in relief.

Legolas asked, “Two of your guards?”

With a weak chuckle your eyes shifted to Thranduil and you nodded your head to the Mountain, “You’ll see.” Making the Prince’s brow twitch up curiously in his bend to claim his Mother’s jewels you had gifted her for their wedding and joined the others in walking to the open gate after you had turned to lead the wobbly King following you. His aching heart easing slowly at being in your presence again. In the gate you motioned your hand to a nearby bath saying to Thranduil, “You should clean up first.” He nodded his head and joined Legolas in washing up while you eyed the approaching wolves. Within minutes they had reached the gate and eyed Thorin and Dwalin curiously under their heavy armor.

Their leader bent forward allowing a weakened Dwarf off his armored back as he growled out, “We found this one in the abandoned keep.”

Eagerly the Durins embraced and led exhausted Thrain up to the Royal Wing to be bathed and fed while the Wolves entered, following after with their small carts of supplies they had brought for you all. Each peering around pleased at the large keep and eager to wiggle free from their armor to rest from their long trip in the Royal Wing.

With his face freshly washed Thranduil exhaled and joined the whispering group of guards near you with a softening eager expression in his struggle against bursting into tears at the confirmation of Glawar’s assumption he painfully hoped to not have been true. Ages he imagined the family you could have had, his finding you and somehow melding into having Legolas melding happily into the imagined moments. For all he wished to be yours always, for them you had fallen without a trace, time passed and as the first age ended he finally honored his betrothal to Glawar, who had remained with Thranduil in hopes of still somehow finding you some day while easing the painful ache of her unrequited love for the new Prince.

The title only worsening the pain at his finally being of a worthy title for you after having lost you, but over time his friendship with Glawar grew to an affection and his poor mangled heart imagined in some stolen angles from the side she could be mistaken for you. Not unknown to her he settled for his last connection to you, one who shared the pain of your loss and always upheld you union respectfully.

Duties were fulfilled, the union was consummated and washed clean in shared sobs at their joint betrayal before the rest of the night was drowned in wine until the pair were rendered unconscious. Waking only to a throbbing migraine that did nothing to dull the pain in their hearts. Her one sided love and his kindness was enough, one season later the news was spread of an heir, bringing a relaxed unspoken agreement to not break his vows to you again. Fully knowing they could not survive the weight of another heart wrenching night of drowning their regretful act or the hangover the morning after, each time worse than the last but duty barked at them loudly until they had succeeded in their task. A small Prince freed them from the cruelty they imagined to be inflicting on you, and somehow always flinched at the thought you were aware of it.

The sobs from you could be heard with each act completed as if you had caught them, as friends they lived until mistake word of the King’s death had spread. Word that did not reach Glawar in time before she had fled. The guilt was too much, to the Blue Mountains she fled towards the Grey Havens, there she would find you, there she would sail. In Vanyar or down to the depths of Mandos’ Halls she would find you and spill her every betrayal to you, pleading eternally for the forgiveness she deemed herself unable to deserve. Her penitence was clear, the bundled Prince was left in the arms of his Grandmother, Elanor, for all she did she could not take another Child from her greatest love.

Behind you Thranduil widened his step to meet your side to ask, eyeing your pain masked in a stoic expression, “They have known about me?”

You glanced up at him giving him a nod, “Yes. They deserved to know who their Ada was.”

“You told them, everything?”

“They know it was my choice to leave and you did what you deemed best to honor the agreement when I learned you were still alive and wed.”

“I had assumed-.”

“I would rather let the world and my Children imagine me a selfish whore than raise them to hate you.”

His eyes shot to you as did those of the Elves behind you, his hand rested on your shoulder for a moment, “You are nothing of the sort!”

Legolas, “Right, you were wed.”

“You were alive, had remarried, I was no longer considered a widow.”

“Why, did you not send word, sooner? When you knew?”

In another glance up at him you replied, “How do you fit it in a letter? Six thousand years, and then a letter is supposed to mend things?” In a glance at Legolas behind him you asked, “Glawar sailed?”

Thranduil shook his head, “She left when my Father fell, we found her carriage on our return home, it was attacked.” Silently he clenched his jaw at the tears filling your eyes as you looked forward again making him do the same. “Her Brother, however managed to sail safely the year prior.”

You nodded, “Your Naneth, Taule?”

Thranduil drew in a breath, “She is well, rather frightened by news of Smaug awakening.” His eyes scanned over the side of the bridge you led them across to see the dead Dragon’s body below with a familiar style of spear you trained with alongside your kin before he noticed the head lying a good five feet from the start of his neck. “Would you allow me to send for her as well?”

You met his eyes, “I would have to ask Thorin. My pack found Thrain in the Southern Wood. It may be a while, they are cleaning him up.”

Thranduil nodded, “Of course. I will write to her at least.”

You drew in a breath, “You catch up, we can write after.”

Thranduil, “Thorin will allow us to stay for a time?”

On his right Thorin came into view, “You will be welcome as long as Queen Lilo and the Princess’ are comfortable.” Unwilling to refuse lest the Elf King steal away with you and lock you away from the world.

Thranduil nodded, “Of course. I heard of your Father, should you require a healer I will send for mine.”

Thorin nodded then stated, “Your Mother is welcome as well, if you wished I could write to her, I will keep the details brief and leave it to you. Simply state you require supplies and her presence here.”

Thranduil nodded, “Thank you.”

The golden parted doors to the Elven apartment beckoned them through, all eager to see the long lost Princess’. Through the apartment the group walked until they passed through another doorway bringing a set of mirror images of you side by side quietly chatting about how to fold the napkins they had found they both tossed onto the chairs behind them along the wall with smiles flashing on their faces when they noticed the new arrivals. Their hands smoothed over the ends of their blouses under their embroidered vests they were gifted in Rivendell before their hands wove together in front of them in glances between Legolas and Thranduil both staring at them seemingly in awe. At once their eyes shifted to the doorway of the kitchen allowing the twin Princes through with the tea and sides to add to the table.

An audible gasp came from Thranduil who caught their smiles at him and shallow nods of their heads to the familiar face in the group as you moved to the table. The men stood by their Wives as Thranduil softly uttered, “You found the Princes.”

You nodded and stated their names to which they nodded their heads, “Niph and Nin, and their Husbands Red and Rin.”

Legolas glanced between them then stepped closer saying, “I am so elated to know you’re safe. It was recorded you’d fallen with Doriath.” His eyes scanned to their Husbands with a quizzical inspection of their likeness to Elrond.

Elured, “It is an honor to meet you. You obviously know our Nephew, Lord Elrond.”

Legolas’ lips parted slightly as Thranduil moved closer joining his Son’s side taking in each detail of his Daughters before him that he could through their own quiet inspection of him, “It is an honor to see you again Your Majesties. Have you met with your Nephew?”

With a smirk Elurin replied, “Yes. We stopped in Rivendell along the trip, his Children and Father in Law were quite in awe. Requested to visit again soon.”

Thranduil glanced at you then back to the Princes before Elured added, “Besides, no need for titles from you now, not since you outrank us.”

Thranduil’s head turned spying the two largest Wolves pass the open doorway to your room to spread out beside their Brothers around your bed relaxing in the warmth of the roaring fire place then back to you again. “You did not send for your guards?”

Your head shook, “We live alone with our Wolves. Rumor is enough to warn off a great deal of intruders on its own.”

Thranduil repeated, “You live alone? How many have left your lands? Thousands are thought to live in Fangorn under your rule.” His brows tightened in confusion.

“Just us since the First Age.”

His eyes wandered to the girls, “Then who-.”

“Prince Amroth and a group were passing through to Lorien when I went into labor. He had two healers with him. Led us to our cave and remained until the morning after ensuring we were healthy, left with his word that we would be welcome in Lorien, should we have wished to move.”

Elured, “After Doriath we enjoyed the silence and protection of our solitude. Besides, word of Feanoreans dwelling in Lorien kept us away.”

Thranduil softly muttered to himself, “Galadriel.” To which the boys nodded before you eased your chair back and moved to pour the tea while Thranduil sat beside you with Legolas on his right with the twins.

With a smile Nin asked, “Naneth mentioned you’re staying for a visit?”

Thranduil and Legolas nodded, with the King saying, “Yes.”

Legolas, “King Thorin is writing to Gran as well, she should be along shortly once our things are packed.” His smile inched wider, “I know she’ll be thrilled to know she has Granddaughters. Grandsons are wished for by many, but Granddaughters are prized.” He paused for a moment, “Plus, congratulations, are both of you expecting?”

Niph nodded with a growing smile peering across at Thranduil as you poured the final cup of tea then took your seat and the Elven guards sat in the chairs along the wall as she said, “Yes, both of us.”

Legolas chuckled softly, “Gran will certainly be pleased. I wonder if you’ll have twins as well.” Making you giggle softly drawing the King’s eye with a pained glance at having not seen your smile in so long or heard the laugh going along with it.

Nin looked at Legolas, “Do you like it in Greenwood? Elrond stated it isn’t like Rivendell.”

Legolas smiled and nodded, “It is different. Though lately we’ve had a Spider problem, but overnight it seems they’ve vanished a couple weeks back so it should be plenty safe should you wish to stay with us. I could show you all the best hidden spots.” He wet his lips, “We do have the annual Feast of Starlight in a couple weeks. Celebrate properly.” A hopeful smile grew on his face mirroring theirs while Thranduil eyed your saddened glance at your raised cup of tea for a sip guessing this feast was purposely used to mark your birthday he had managed to set up moonlit dinners for you both to celebrate off on your own back in Doriath. Through your sip he watched you then glanced at his Daughters at their soft giggle matching yours as they asked, “It wouldn’t happen to be around the 14th, would it?”

Legolas chuckled weakly replying, “14th exactly. How did you guess it?”

They chuckled again, “It’s Naneth’s birthday as well as ours.” At once Legolas’ smile froze for a moment then it grew, realizing his Father’s silent marker for you in their lives.

Legolas chuckled again, “All the more reason to celebrate it with us this year.” Making their smiles grow as Thranduil nodded after another glance at you while his hand struggled not to drop and cover your left as it rested on your lap through your nail smoothing along the seam on your pant leg.

#Thranduil x Reader OC #Hobbit #lotr

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