#overall im most definetely a mess but a much lesser mess than i used to be.

[tchaikovskym]

There is this part of me that wants to wallow in self-pity, that wants to believe I'm doomed forever and that there is nothing good waiting for me. But the funny thing is, it's not true. I am better than I used to be. I am healthier than I used to be. It's just tiring to always try to be better. And while it is a possibility that the doom part of me will turn out to be true, there is a possibility that it won't.

#like yeah im a little bit dead. yea im a little bit pathetic. yeah im an adult living with my mom and maybe there really is something wrong #with me regarding the fact that ive never had any romantic/sexual relationships #and maybe it is pathetic how i hide all my silly creative projects from everyone but the strangers on the internet #and maybe its miserable that im posting things like these here #but fuck it #im not 14 anymore. no one is abusing me at home. i have some interest in what im doing. i have an okay job. #im studying what im interested in. im no longer having episodes of panic where i had to lie in bed to calm down. #havent had a panic attack in crowds for years #i think im no longer weird with men. like i used to be afraid? but not like really. i just avoided them like a plague #and was weird when i had to interact with them #now its gone #i have a car!! i can leave whenever i want to !!!! #i earn enough to travel!!! no further than europe but still #and im not exactly dumb! i have a masters degree! with honors #when i was in highschool i never imagined that i would like to travel or have another degree and then another! #i never imagined that i would be okay working together with people. that i would be fine being in their company and cracking jokes with them #overall im most definetely a mess but a much lesser mess than i used to be.