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why-this-kolaveri-machi · 3 years

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just because you’re afraid it doesn’t mean you’re broken.

Titans 3.05

once more into the cold dark void of the internet with my stream-of-consciousness take on a superhero tv show...

spoilers ahead.

1. i cannot believe that among the first things i get to hear in this episode with my own two ears is the line 'eluded our overdudes'. why must you give me such pain along with so much joy, show?

1.5. scarecrow stringing jason along on this path to red-hood-dom is not something i would’ve ever expected, but does kind of make sense.

1.55. i don’t know all the details of the original resurrection arc in the comics but i like that jason, weirdly, has a greater role to play in his own demise and rebirth? i think it makes it easier to draw a line between his past trauma, the demonstrably shitty and terrifying responsibility of being robin, the ways bruce and the titans wronged him, his responses to that, the reasons he turns to scarecrow, and his final evolution to red hood. it makes for a smoother character arc rather than a one that was interrupted for two decades before somebody went oh hey let’s resurrect that kid that the audience once voted to kill and make him an anti-hero!

1.75. what’s crane giving him? anti fear toxin? anyway, crane is a fucking creep and i’m not sure i want to see a whole lot of him on my screen.

2. oh, um, heads up: there’s a long sequence of unsteady cam + flickering lights right after the title card upto the 3:16 mark. it’s a bit headache-inducing so if you want to skip, you can go ahead and do that.

2.45. that’s... weird... why would he dream about... donna...

ok, who am i kidding. i’m going to jump right into my theory about Why Titans Makes Sense Actually because the show itself is apparently not interested in explaining itself:

a) it makes no sense for jason to be conjuring up donna--who famously did not care much for him!--in his dreams. (he wasn’t even there when she died.) or for her to be telling him don’t go or there’s still time.

b) this leads me to think that that’s actually donna, in some sort of limbo between life and death, the kind of place where jericho used to be

c) rachel has demonstrated that she has the power to link the minds of the titans across great distances--she called jason and hank/dawn for help in 2.01, she linked up everybody later in the season, projected dick’s hallucination of his father into their brains without even realising she was doing it, and in the finale, she managed to get dick into conner’s brain. she’s in themyscira now. is this how she gets donna back to life? but reaching out to her in that non-space between life and death?

d) the next obvious question is: why isn’t donna appearing in the dreams of the other titans? she probably is, but they have better reason to be dreaming about her since they were actually close to her, unlike jason.

e) but why would she warn jason in particular? does she foresee jason entering the afterlife--however briefly? does she have an idea of what jason plans to do and what he will become?

f) anyway, more trippy mindscapes and weird psychic powers, yay!

2.5. my heart clenched when bruce comforted jason post-nightmare: clearly i’ve been reading way too much batfam fic. this is a side of bruce we haven’t really been told to expect by all the characters on the show calling him a ‘psychopath’ (*cough*unreliablenarrators*cough*) and him getting jason to speak to a professional speaks volumes about the kind of self-reflection he’s done post dick’s departure, and maybe some of the regrets he has with regards to how he dealt with dick’s traumas.

i mean, just look at him when jason dismisses his concerns! BRUCE IS TRYING JASON

anyway, i have a whole lot more i want to say about this, but i’ll save it for later.

also: LESLIE THOMPKINS!!!!

3. i really like molly--and i love that she’s a friend from before jason got taken in by bruce, the implication that they meet up regularly and that she’s a grounding influence on him (tho clearly not grounding enough to not go along with his dumbass idea about confronting a child trafficker alone).

3.5. aw, jason. robin was his armour against everything in the world that would throw him down and chew him to bits, but san francisco proved that even robin wasn’t enough to protect him. it’s really interesting how ‘disillusionment with the idea of robin’ is so integral to the traumas of both dick and jason but in such different ways.

4. LESLIE!!!!!!! i even forgive her office being so goddamn blue because leslie!

4.5. it makes so much sense for titans!verse leslie to be a therapist, because this show is so inward looking anyway, and therapist sessions are a useful tool to showcase this character work in a story. besides, at least in fanfic, leslie often seems to double up as a counsellor anyway.

4.6. oh man. i’m not terribly convinced by walters’ red hood (tho i think that may be the point--argh. i’ll come back to this thought later. have to stop getting distracted!) but he plays the asshole kid that’s trying not to let any real emotion seep through really well.

“you’d like me to punch you, wouldn’t you”

5. not sure what to think of batman’s little trophy case other than the show winking unsubtly at us and going look look - catwoman! the riddler! two face! you excited yet?! it’s like the scene from the end of amazing spiderman 2 when they were trying to drum up excitement for a sinister six spinoff by having harry osborne walk by a bunch of display cases with stuff from iconic villains in them.

... but then again, bruce does like to display a lot of shit in his batcave, including his dead robin’s bloodstained costume, so.

5.5. bruce is so soft with jason it’s killing me. beyond just trying to learn from his mistakes with dick, it speaks to his own genuine desire to balance his dedication to gotham with doing the best by his sons, although he’s often not successful with that.

i love that titans is really playing the long game with bruce wayne, with each season and character-perspective sliding in fresh pieces of a bigger puzzle. titans’ bruce has always been a phantom of other peoples’ making, but now we’re getting the idea that he’s a whole lot more complicated than other people make it seem.

5.75. it really recontextualises some of his actions from previous seasons: the fact that he locked dick out of his security systems in 1.06 is likely his way of respecting dick’s independence and his desire not to be associated with batman/gotham anymore. jason knowing about bruce’s tracker while dick doesn’t is probably bruce trying to be more honest and upfront with his charges. bruce sending jason packing off to sanfran to spend time with the titans is probably not him passing on a big responsibility to dick (as i first uncharitably thought) but him trying to get jason out of the toxic influence of gotham for a while and a sign of his trust in dick as a leader and a mentor,

5.8. i mean, bruce is a prick, but he’s also human.

6. i think leslie is doing some good work with jason here, though she may have overstepped the line with her line about robin as a construct being projected by a man with BPD. her speculations about bruce’s diagnosis have no place in her session with jason, and if bruce confides in her, an egregious violation of patient-therapist confidentiality.

(about the diagnosis itself... i don’t know. i can’t really confirm or refute this without a whole lot more information, and i’m not sure if the writer of this episode means BPD in the same way an actual professional might.)

6.5. i think a huge thing that gets missed out in a lot of recent comics as well as movies/shows is that bruce didn’t create the robin persona out of whole cloth. dick did. he’s the starting point of that legacy and to call it entirely bruce’s creation is blatant erasure of that. in fact, i’m surprised that dick doesn’t feature more in the conversations they’re having about the pressures of being robin. after all, the guy had been robin--bruce’s partner--for such a long time before jason.

6.8. (and here’s the primal part of me that resonates the deepest with dick grayson--the Eldest Daughter part--that’s sort of resentful: that jason gets the therapy and softness and the learning from mistakes when it took years and years for bruce to reach out in any meaningful way to dick.)

7. oooh that was a great scene!

it’s fun to do these stream-of-consciousness live reactions, because the moment you step down from your soapbox, the episode goes right into tackling what you were just complaining about. bruce means well, he’s learning, but he goes about exactly the wrong way to help jason: taking away robin now can’t be read by jason as anything but a devastating judgment call from bruce. and iain glen really sells the moment that bruce realises this--too late--and his helplessness in trying to get jason to see that it isn’t jason’s fault that he’s trying to do this. he loves jason enough that jason is enough.

7.5. aaaah so jason brings up the elephant in the room at last. dick got everything makes sense from his perspective, where getting to put on a costume and fight crime means approval, means being something stronger and better than you are. dick got to be robin, then nightwing, and a leader of a whole team of other costume-clad heroes.

8. ... how did jason just walk into arkham????? this is ridiculous.

8.3. i mean, clearly jason’s not thinking straight, but betraying batman like this puts his possibilities of being robin again even further away.

8.5. watching that chemistry experiment montage was strangely funny. this guy is looking for an antidote to fear? well, constantly mixing up and inhaling gases concocted by a mad-scientist supervillain is something only the very fearless--reckless to the point of foolishness!--would do. what’s to say crane’s not given you a formula for a drug that will keep you tethered to his every will and whim? hmmmm?

8.7. so he sought out the joker to... test the formula???

9. wow the “loud and clear... boss” hits different after a whole episode of them referring to each other as father and son.

9.3. waitwaitwait HOLD UP. wait a DANG MINUTE. you’re telling me that scarecrow had enough resources that he could not only have folks on the outside steal jason away and dunk him in a lazarus pit (i TOLD you that this show would bring up and dismiss ra’s al ghul in a ten second aside! I TOLD YOU) but also have his own little chemistry lab in the basement, AND have enough resources for jason to build his red hood persona???????? all of this in barely twenty four hours?

well there goes my ‘jason orchestrated his death’ theory. it was nice while it lasted. *cups hands to the sky* fly away, my baby.

9.6. a part of me is gleeful at the rushed nature of such an iconic transformation though, especially when compared to all the character work that went before it. we’re so used to getting the opposite that it’s fucking delightful to have a show that’s more interested in exploring its characters’ minds rather than battle scenes or recreating transformations from the comics. that’s taken such bold and exciting steps to fully convey all the nuances of its most recognisable character, bruce wayne, from casting an older actor to play him to unflinchingly showing just how damaging the vigilante lifestyle has been to him and the people he loves. BRILLIANT

*sporfle*

10. again, heads up: a whole lot of flashing lights between 40:28 and 42:00.

10.3. i guess it’s the super-compressed timeline that’s really throwing me off. where did he have the time to get/develop the mind control thing from? or is it something that he got from the cabal of villains that he intimidated at the beginning of 3.02? very messy.

10.5. i love molly, i hope she shows up again this season.

11. aaaand that’s it! that was a solid episode as flashback episodes go, but now i can’t wait to return to the present.

#titans #titans spoilers #meta #jason todd #bruce wayne #leslie thompkins #a tragic jalebi #robin #red hood

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dutchforstrangers · 3 years

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Digimon Astrology Journey - 'Head first' buddies: Koushiro & Taichi

So I’m back with some headcanon Digimon Astrology and I’m diving into it head first! Something fierce leader Taichi would do, however he needs his loyal ‘brains’ there with him and that will be Koushiro. Where Koushiro is a thinker, analytical in every way due to his pragmatic Sun and Rising, Taichi is one of action due to his Moon and Rising (and Mars!). However don’t underestimate them, they have some serious airy energy going on, making them vocal, diplomatic and charming in their own individual ways.

These boys are so different, yet work together very well. They just have a hard time… talking to others or each other about… the complicated, personal specific stuff feelings. Must be the stars, right?

It’s been a while, but you can read back all things Astrology (basics, background, etc.) in previous posts Part 1 | Part 2. Furthermore, exploring Taichi and Koushiro’s birth charts is part 2 of this series, you can read the exploration of Sora and Mimi’s birth charts here.

The important stuff

Koushiro Izumi, August 26th 1989 (around 05.30AM)

Sun: Virgo (earth-mutable)

Moon: Gemini (air-mutable)

Rising: Virgo (earth-mutable)

Taichi Yagami, October 15th 1988 (around 5PM)

Sun: Libra (air-cardinal)

Moon: Sagittarius (fire-mutable)

Rising: Aries (fire-cardinal)

Warning: IT’S VERY LONG! I’m sorry in advance…

A little disclaimer before I start rambling: These are headcanons! Their given birthdays are not canon at all, but just me having fun combining my love for Digimon and my love for Astrology. It can be highly self-indulging, but maybe you can find some truth in it as well! If you want to know how I calculated their birthdays, read my previous posts as stated above. I use these birthdays in my own fanfiction, but feel free to use them as well. Some credit in the form of a reblog, like or mention of these posts and/or my Tumblr would be highly appreciated! See something you want to discuss? I love to learn and talk! As said these are my headcanons, but I’m not afraid to change my mind or to defend what I have if necessary.

Everything charts and the why under read more!

Koushiro Izumi - August 26th 1989

Assigning the Virgo Sun to this boy was the first thing I did, because I myself am convinced Koushiro Izumi is the embodiment of a true Virgo. I could be wrong, as I did not study Astrology and am a simple hobbyist, but everything I read about Virgos always lead me back to this particular maroon headed anime dork for years now. Hence why I gave him the same Sun and Rising sign, because Koushiro is who he is. Anyway, let me try to convince you.

For starters, here are a few (or actually all the) things about Virgos in general, for both Sun and Rising. Virgos are bright, practical, pragmatic, orderly, respectful, critical, perfectionists, security driven, communicative, tidy, nervous, detail-oriented… Can I stop already? Okay, now pick one of the above and tell me it’s not fitting for Koushiro.

…

Hm, I know. It’s hard, isn’t it?

Maybe his tidiness is questionable depending on the situation… But the guy is orderly and the chaos only exists in times when his perfectionism takes over. The nervous part from the Virgo can be seen in shyness or even being obedient. All of that makes Koushiro a dedicated friend who would do anything in his power to make everything work for you. Danger is that he will efface himself, thinking he’s not worth as much as the others. This is what happens in Adventure episode 28 right after he solved the card riddle. On the top left corner either the Agumon or the Gomamon is right, but he doesn’t know which one and he apologizes, which is not necessary at all, with: “I’m sorry I couldn’t live up to your expectations,” which is such a Virgo Sun/Rising thing to say..! The Virgo dynamic is alive and kicking.

It’s even more alive and kicking in his other strong Virgo placements: Mercury and Mars. With Mercury in Virgo, Mercury is in it’s sign of its rulership, making it a strong placement. And precisely that planet is the planet of thoughts and knowledge! The combination of his Sun, Rising, Mercury and Mars in Virgo makes him be, engage, think and act like a true Virgo. Detail-oriented, thoughtful, respectful, orderly, practical and curious!

The hardest part for his birthday calculation was his Moon placement. The Moon is all about emotions, needs, wants, behavior, responds, et cetera. I first gave him a Capricorn Moon, but my boyfriend is such a Cap Moon and it didn’t fit the bill for Koushiro in my opinion. So I read and searched and eventually came to the conclusion it had to be an Air sign Moon, simply for the fact that our boy Koushiro is the bearer of the crest of Knowledge and Air signs can be seen as the intellectual ones of the Zodiac! Eventually I went for the Gemini Moon and I’m going to explain why exactly.

One could say Gemini is the bearer of Knowledge just as much as Koushiro is. Gemini LOVE to know things! They are naturally curious and are great communicators, when it comes to knowledge (pun warning if you’ve seen the reboot: they love to bring joy to their knowledge). Gemini tend to be a bit superficial when it comes to having and sharing knowledge and of course we know that’s not the case with our Koushiro here, due to his many Virgo placements, making him more observant and inward. What the Gemini Moon DOES to him is making this boy very talkative! He likes to spill what’s on his mind, he likes to share what he thinks, he likes to ramble and rant. It’s something we see him doing in Tri a lot, especially that one scene in Reunion part 3 (episode 3) where he keeps on rambling about all the strange events and he misses the first part of the conversation between the other DigiDestineds (about the news and Jyou’s ‘girlfriend’ poor guy no one believes him). Koushiro misses the conversation because a) his Gemini Moon likes to ramble and keep rambling, and b) because his Virgo placements can make him a bit unaware of his surroundings quite the time…

That’s not a bad thing per se, Koushiro is just very much focused on his work and d e t a i l s, which is a VERY Virgo-ish trait. But lets not forget that his priority is to help others with that knowledge and that the combination of his Virgo placements with his Gemini Moon makes him a great mentor. Brings me to his role throughout the entirety of Adventure 02: The Mentor. You’re welcome.

Another Gemini Moon thingy is rudeness. Now we know Koushiro is the most polite person out of ALL DD’s, always using honorifics, even saying Hikari-san instead of Hikari-chan, because Koushiro IS respect. But Koushiro is not afraid to tell you what’s at stake in times of ‘danger’, he’s not afraid to tell the truth. There are a few examples for that in Adventure, Adventure 02 and in Tri, but I’d like to refer to one of my favorite moments in whole Digimon Adventure history. Because Koushiro x rudeness brings me back to Diaboromon strikes back when he’s obviously so done with everyone, then Mimi enters the scene and he doesn’t even care. In the English dub she literally says “How rude”. Ooooohhh Koushiro, you little rude demon… It’s not the biggest proof it’s a simple one and my personal favorite.

All of the talkativeness and rudeness is something we mostly see Koushiro doing when he’s most comfortable. So we won’t see him being all talkative all the time -sharing more than just plain, superficial knowledge and instead more personal helpful knowledge- with everyone, but we do see him being talkative and speaking up to certain characters he’s most comfortable with. Now name one boy he’s very talkative to compared with literally all the other characters… You know what? Scroll down.

Last thing and then I’ll stop rambling about this beautiful and lovely nerd. His Venus, planet of values (and love…) is in Libra. What does that mean? Well, I’ve seen quite some fans type Koushiro as a bi-sexual, or something in that direction. Or even better a ‘disaster bi-sexual’. I already agreed on that, but when I saw this birth chart… IT’S (HEAD)CANON! Seriously, Libra is the zodiac sign of doubt, decision making (or actually no decision making, but I’ll get there with the next boy) and relationships and if you have your Venus placed in Libra you’re doomed to be a disaster when it comes to making decisions in your love life both romantically and platonically! Venus in Libra creates the desire for a good and loving relationships, but Koushiro’s Virgo Sun/Rising makes him more shy, his Virgo Mars makes him hold back. Once again, the Virgo Sun/Rising-Libra Venus dynamic lets him efface himself in relationships, thinking they have nothing to offer, but they have!! And so Koushiro gets left behind with his unresolved feelings… the boy has a hard time in love, let’s give him all a hug!

Taichi Yagami - October 15th 1988

The protagonist. Okay, let me compare this goggle headed protagonist to another goggle headed protagonist outside the Digimon franchise: Naruto. This is probably more interesting to people who have watched and know Naruto, so you can skip the part. To me Naruto is the classical protagonist type; bold, adventurous, playful, (a little) obnoxious at some times, hot headed… These are traits we easily assign to fire signs in the zodiac, especially Aries. So I would immediately give Naruto the Aries Sun placement. However, when we see Naruto grow up, his behavior and the way he speaks and leads grows up with him as well. That’s only natural. And based on those changes I wouldn’t necessarily give Naruto the Aries Sun placements, although the Aries placement or another fire placement is very likely to be present in his chart.

Now I could go even further, explain the development from child to adult through Jung’s theory about cognitive functions, but that’s incredibly complicated and a looooong stretch I won’t be making here today. In short, Jung’s development theory is interesting, because it shows how we first see the obvious traits in a child which are the traits the child engages (Rising sign) the world with before it develops the other functions showing the person’s true identity (Sun sign). So we could say we first see someone’s Rising sign more clearly before the Sun comes shining through. Like with Naruto. And the same could be for Taichi in the case of this headcanon.

To tackle his birth chart and big three, I’ll be starting with explaining his Rising Sign before his Sun sign. And the Rising sign I assigned him is Aries Rising.

Like I said above, Aries is bold, adventurous, playful and above all: courageous. Especially the Aries Rising placement which is more courageous than its Aries Sun counterpart. Aries are born leaders, can be extremely competitive, are somewhat restless and desperately need to move. In Taichi’s case with the above birth chart, that urge to move is magnified by his Aries Mars placement. The dynamic of his Aries Rising and Aries Mars makes Taichi a mover, an adventurer, and incredibly determined. This could be both positively, always wanting the best (especially for yourself, as Aries is a pretty selfish sign), and a tad negatively, always going and going and going. In the Adventure series this could be the reason why he makes Greymon dark-evolve, because he wants things too bad and too fast. Aries are hot headed and can grow impatient if things don’t go the way they want. And the Aries Rising and Mars dynamic makes Taichi a very physical guy. Mix that with the impatience and he is not afraid to pick fights and use his fists.

All of this can make Taichi a very stormy and reckless boy (boundaries? What’s that?), but also a fearless leader. The exuberance, the impatience and restlessness comes back in his Sagittarius Moon placement as well. This Sag Moon in combination with his strong Aries placements in Rising and Mars makes Taichi a sportive, physical, optimistic and forward leader that is incredibly courageous and adventurous, which could make him a bit ‘superficial’ as a protagonist. But the Sag Moon also deepens and strengthens his leader skills.

Sagittarius is a sign pictured by a centaur with an arrow and bow. The centaur’s horse legs make the Sag want to move and be free, but the arrow aims in a clear direction and aiming takes knowledge and focus. Sagittarius thus is an adventurous fella, but also a philosopher. Taichi’s Sag Moon placement makes him a pro in seeing the bigger picture and connecting dots next to his never ending energy. He will make sure we’re going in the right direction by overlooking the whole situation. So we absolutely shouldn’t forget Taichi is a true strategist! He sees, understands what’s at stake in a situation, connects the dots, comes with a strategy and like a true leader knows his team and can place everyone in his right spot to get through the toughest of situations (once again referring to Taichi asking Koushiro to pick the cards in Adventure episode 28). Speaking about a great leader, gosh, Taichi, you’re truly amazing! <3

However, it’s his Aries Rising and Mars that often make him act before he thinks, preferably alone (Taichi is a teamplayer, but the selfish and reckless Aries in him makes him act alone. And the sum of teamplayer + acting alone = self-sacrifice mode… which happens ALL THE DAMN TIME). Or actually makes him act while thinking without doing a short reflection beforehand. Seriously, I’m convinced that this reflection in advance could have saved him a lot of trouble throughout Digimon Adventure. Let’s blame it on (t)his (headcanon) birth chart…

Also, all of the above vouches for Taichi having an amazing intellect, but the guys needs to be challenged… Hence why he’s always staring out of the window during classes in Tri, daydreaming away to where the adventure is. He feels trapped, needs to be outside and should use his intelligence for things he finds important (like saving the digital world, soccer and saving friends and the world). The daydreaming could also be his Libra Mercury who can make Taichi lose his focus and could make him lazy. Luckily Taichi has a very active Aries Mars in opposite aspect from his Libra Mercury that neutralizes that lazy and dreamy Libra Mercury.

Okay, back to topic. Now you maybe think: But if Taichi is good in knowing where to go, being the fearless leader, also an intellect who has the knowledge to aim straight and shoot… then WHY is he so lost, down and in doubt in Tri and so unknowing of his future in Kizuna…??!! I have an answer to that. And that answer is his Libra Sun.

I know I know, this is a very VERY unpopular Sun sign to give this goggle leader, but please hear me out. For starters, Libra is the sign of diplomacy and if we believe the 02’s epilogue what’s Taichi’s job? Right, a diplomat. We also know he studies something like political sciences in Kizuna (which I think is AMAZING and vouches even more for Taichi’s intellect! Politics is a tough study…) and to make it in the political field you really do need diplomacy and charms.

Taichi is an absolute charmer, in my eyes at least. I mean, look at his 02 self! He’s such a smooth charmer in every way… The way he sends off Sora to Yamato while acting all cool and collected, phew, that requires some serious smoothness. And still we often see Taichi depicted as a down and broody boy besides his energetic and bold (sometimes indifferent…) character, especially after Tri. That too could be due to a Libra Sun placement.

Like Sagittarius is depicted by a centaur, Libra is depicted by scales and those scales are all about harmony, balance and justice. Libra is the opposite of Aries in the zodiac, but also about weighing opposites in the sigh itself. When we look at the Aries/Libra opposite placement: where Aries can be quite selfish, Libra as an opposite is the people’s pleaser. Where Aries is reckless and impatient, Libra is thoughtful and patient and one could say that an Aries acts where a Libra waits. Where Aries makes the impulsive decisions, Libra keeps deliberating leading into constant doubt and confusion. And how do we see Taichi in Tri? Ah yes, in doubt and confused.

A Libra Sun desperately wants to bring peace and harmony, driven by justice, in a diplomatic way. Libra Suns are deep thinkers which can make them very doubtful, making them spiraling down into a hole of overthinking and doubts. The Libra Sun-Sag Moon dynamic makes this all even more deep and almost philosophical in a way there will always be more and more questions, but never answers because Libra simply can’t make choices. All while being solution-oriented!

As Taichi grows up from a middle schooler to a high schooler, it’s that doubt coming from the Libra Sun that kicks Taichi hard. It conflicts with his carefree and bold Aries Rising nature and as that Libra Sun comes shining through, we see Taichi becoming more cautious and reserved compared to his younger self. The guy has a strong inner dialogue always looking for the best solutions to please everyone and bring harmony (I wanted to say ‘balance to the world’, yes to all the avatar the last airbender cameos) to the people and world(s in case of the digital world) around him he so desperately wants to protect. This is what we see happening in Tri, where he can’t choose what’s the right thing… Most of the time that inner dialogue is hidden behind his Aries Rising (and Aries Mars and Sag Moon).

So under that tough and courageous Aries Rising demeanor (remember that a Rising sign is all about engaging and how you come across to others) is a very soft, sweet, friendly and overall smart Libra Sun boy who has troubles expressing himself because the boy is in conflict with himself (which we see in the Dark Master’s arc in Adventure where he expresses his concerns towards his sister to Koushiro… it’s so hard for Taichi to let it all out, even when he needs it badly). It’s so sad, he’s such a complicated character, but that’s also one of the most beautiful things about Taichi. He’s layered af. He could be the best listener (Koushiro’s feels this, that’s why Koushiro can talk so open and freely to Taichi, because Taichi lets him thank you Libra Sun) if it weren’t for his strong fire placements opposite from his airy Sun sign. But give the boy time and space and he can show you his charms in a way no one else owns those charms.

So Taichi’s Libra Sun is hidden away most of the time due to his strong Aries placements. Usually his Rising and Sun sign being in opposite aspect from each other, should neutralize the placements, but Taichi’s Aries Mars placement makes the Aries Rising overrule the Libra Sun. Still, we shouldn’t forget Taichi is a softy with a big heart. He just needs the right people around him to get his charm on and Taichi definitely has some great people collected in his life who can help him think and make decisions.

A few things I want to point out before I stop rambling, because this analysis is already WAY too long.

Taichi’s midheaven in Capricorn in combination with his Libra Sun and Aries Rising makes him very ambitious on the intellectual side! Directly aiming for the UN and quickly climbing up the promotion ladder (and being successful like a true Cap, let’s not forget that).

His Mars was in transition from Pisces to Aries during his birth. Which means his Aries Mars is highly influenced by Pisces which could also explain why he spirals down as Pisces Mars has a lot of stormy energy on the emotional side (whereas Aries Mars has stormy energy on the physical side). When this emotional energy comes out negative, it can lead to mental health problems (!!! TRI DEPRESSED!TAICHI), especially when close friends and family (can you feel it coming? The whole Hikari-trauma is a thing) are involved.

His Libra Sun makes him in need of a group of friends and he loves being surrounded by them! Though he doesn’t like to admit that due to his Aries Rising. Taichi is such a conflicted boy…

An end note on these two boys: A heart to heart/hard friendship with a lot of mutual understanding and support <3

#DFS Digimon Astrology Journey #head-first buddies #Koushiro Izumi #Taichi Yagami #Digimon #Koushiro #Taichi #Izzy Izumi #Tai Kamiya #Izzy #Tai #Astrology #Reference post #Digimon adventure #Digimon tri #Digimon kizuna #Digimon adventure: 2020 #LONG POST.#Digimon headcanons

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blindprof · 3 years

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It’s Complicated

When people first hear me say that I am blind or severely visually impaired (B/VI), the most common reaction is surprise…followed by sympathy…followed most often by awkward silence. This is totally understandable. Unless you are regularly interacting with differently abled people, disabilities are uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable and awkward around people who live with other forms of disability.

Heck, I’m still awkward around other people who are B/VI. And even this is understandable. Because each person is unique. Each manifestation of visual impairment is unique. Each path to and with B/VI is unique. Each person has unique life experiences, coping mechanisms, support networks, etc. We are all strangers in a strange land. I’ll have other posts dedicated to the whack-a-doo personal and social psychology of B/VI. For now, the focus remains on the physical, or rather the perceptual.

The second reaction is usually a question: “How bad is it” or “What do you see?” And my answer is “It’s complicated.”

In my first post, I laid out some more technical details: I have a visual field that is less that 10 degrees, night blindness, color blindness, uncorrectable myopia, light sensitivity, etc. But it’s not apparent how these details really affect what I see and how that impacts what I can do. This post will go into greater detail into what and how I see. Later posts will focus on how I (try to, with varying levels of success, stupidity, and hilarity) cope with these limitations.

It probably makes sense to start with my visual field, as this is the aspect of my vision that “qualifies” me as legally blind. However, before getting to that, we really need a basic understanding of how humans see. Don’t worry, I’ll keep it short and simple.

It may be easiest to compare the eye to a modern digital camera. A camera lens gathers and focuses light; it also constrains the amount of light passing through by altering the size of a mechanical aperture. In the human eye, these functions are performed by the lens and the pupil, respectively. In a digital camera, the lens focus light onto a CCD or CMOS sensor, which is a dense grid of light sensitive “pixels,” each generating a small electrical charge proportional to how much light (within a certain wavelength) is hitting it. The human retina is the biological, electrochemical equivalent. Finally, a digital camera has wires that transport these electrical signals to a computer, which then interprets the signals to create a digital image. Here, the human analogues are the optic nerve and the visual cortex within the brain.

As I noted in my first post, I have Retinitis Pigmentosa (RP), which primarily impacts my retina. Due to the wonders of genetics and epigenetics, other parts are impacted. But for now, I’ll focus on the retina. Characteristically, people with RP find that their retinal “pixels”—millions of light-sensitive “rod” and “cone” structures, as well as protective retinal pigment epithelial (RPE) cells from which the disease gets its name—stop functioning from the outside in. We don’t know the exact cause, nor is there yet any proven way to slow, much less reverse the process.

Of course, this is a biological process that is unique to each individual. For me, it has progressed relatively slowly from childhood. I can recall early symptoms as far back as age 6. I’ll have a separate post at some point talking about progression. But it is notable the process is neither steady nor predictable. I’ll have periods of relative stability followed by periods of perceptible loss. It’s rarely like a light switch, but rather more like a dimmer. Each area of loss will appear darker with less usable information until it is just “clicked off” by the brain, presumably redirecting its limited processing resources to doing something other than trying to interpret shotty data from dying cells. For me, the progression has also been very spotty—for example, I retained some usable vision in the extremes of my left-right periphery until just a couple years ago, despite progressively losing most of my peripheral vision between there and my center.

The result today is that I have very little of my retina remaining that pretends to function “normally.” I can detect very high contrast light vs. dark in some of my periphery, but nothing there that you would qualify as usable sight. My central vision is still somewhat functional, but has been fading rapidly of late. As I said, it’s spotty, but on average in good light I have maybe 10-15 degrees total horizontal vision and less than 10 vertical. And much of that is probably equivalent to what most would consider to be peripheral vision. To help better “feel” what this means, here are a few examples of how this manifests itself in my day-to-day life.

When I’m sitting across a table from you, I can see your face but not your hands. If I’m not socially distant, I might be able to see your eyes or your mouth, but not both at the same time. I often creep people out during a conversation because I’m constantly losing eye contact and moving my eyes to different parts of their body. I promise, I’m not “undressing you with my eyes”—people talk with their entire bodies, and I’m simply trying to catch as many visual cues as possible.

When watching TV from 10 feet away, I can “see” my entire 55-inch screen. But less than a quarter of that is in my central vision. I have to move my eyes to see detail or read signs or captions. Sports and fast action scenes are difficult to catch. A fast action, dark scene with subtitles…oy…the Battle of Winterfell may as well have been a BBC Radio broadcast.

I can read, though usually only slowly and for short periods, especially if it is paper and ink. I see only a few words at a time, so my eyes have to constantly move. This causes a lot of eye strain, and I have trouble keeping both eyes properly oriented and occasionally have periods where one eye twitches uncontrollably—obviously I’m channeling my inner Mad-Eye Moody.

And of course, navigating unfamiliar or unpredictable environments is very difficult. I navigate by moving from waypoint to waypoint, and if I don’t know the waypoints or if things jump in my way, well, bad things happen. Or maybe funny things.

More on all of these and their many repercussions in future posts.

People ask, “What do you ‘see’ in the places where you have no vision? Is it blackness? Emptiness? Blurry?” Again, it’s complicated, but for the most part, my brain has just removed those areas from its visual processing “algorithm.” So, I see the same thing that you see when something is beyond your peripheral vision…just nothing. There are long periods of adjustment as I lose sight—kind of like losing a limb and still expecting it to be there. But eventually it’s just not a part of the picture that my brain paints of the world around me.

Unfortunately, that’s not all. Night blindness is often the first detected symptom for folks with RP. What is left of my retina doesn’t detect light well, so I need much more of it. The result is that I’m totally blind in low-light situations. I need direct light to see any kind of detail. I carry a flashlight everywhere I go and use it regularly day and night.

So, I need bright light. But it is also my nemesis. My eyes compensate like one would with a digital camera…by cranking open the aperture (pupil) and turning up the gain on the sensor. This does allow me to function semi-normally in certain situations. But it also results in severe light sensitivity. As with a camera, the wider pupil also results in loss of detail, and bright light can almost entirely wash any other visual information. To make matters even worse, although my pupils do function, they are VERY slow to adjust.

The results of all of that are varied. I’ll post more details in the future. But for example, I am no longer able to read a computer screen for any length of time without inverted colors. It’s like trying to read while staring at headlights. I truly need dark mode on all of my devices. Also, changing lighting conditions are challenging, especially when they are extreme. When I come in from outside, my eyes can take many minutes to adjust. And bright light sources like sunny windows in otherwise moderately lit environments can really cause havoc.

Finally, a common comorbidity with RP are cataracts, which cause hardening and blurring of the lens. Of course, this one hit me, as well. A number of years ago, I had cataract surgery. It was great. I was the youngest patient in the surgery center by like 30 years. The process involves using a magic wand to dissolve your natural lens and replacing it with a plastic one. This gets rid of the blurring, but entirely removes the ability to focus. As a bonus, I did go from needing coke bottle glasses to just needing a couple of diopters of correction. But this further complicates reading, and means I’m constantly donning and doffing my specs or having to look below them to read. Minor in the big scheme of things, but it does make me look and feel like a damn old fart.

Okay, if you made it this far, you deserve to be let off the hook for now. There’s more like the fact that my corneas—the eyes’ (usually) clear “lens caps”—now seem to cause my sight to remain blurry for the first couple of hours of each day. Or that the eye strain can sometimes get so physically painful that I have to close my eyes for long periods during the day. But this is a mostly complete and accurate snapshot of what I’m currently living with physically.

I guess I didn’t present too many funny or uplifting or forward-looking things in here. Truth is, you kind of have to muddle along with me through these sewers to eventually find the humor and hope in all of this. Because it’s complicated. But I’ll get there if you’re patient.

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loveafterthefact · 4 years

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Love After the Fact Chapter 70: Making Long-Distance Calls

Tfw you haven’t heard from your kid in a while and part of you is really worried and the other part of you wants to kill him yourself to save your enemies the trouble… and then that mf just says he ‘forgot’.

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“Okay, so do you two see each other?” Lance asks.

“I see a Balmeran.” Thace cocks his head curiously. “Quite different from the race that I am familiar with- Ulaz! Get out! Patient confidentiality!” There’s a snicker in the background, followed by a door opening and closing.

“Excellent!” Lance chirps, typing in another code, waiting for it to pick up. “Tavo, are you there?”

“I am here. Hello, your Majesties. Crown Prince Lancel, I've heard the kings are quite bitter that they have not heard from you.”

“Oh, fuck.” The prince pales, then brushes it off. “I need to call them anyway. They can scold me for spending too much time in the sun or not wearing socks.”

Keith glances at his mate, noting his darker complexion, the little brown spots creeping from underneath his skin. An Altean, blessed by Daibazaal’s sun. It’s perfect. He’s perfect.

Keith really needs to reboot his brain.

“So what are we here for, then?” Tavo asks, pulling his chair closer to his desk.

“We’re planning on having a kit,” Keith says, cutting right to the chase. He’s already done too many of these calls this quintant.

“I see. How soon do you expect to conceive?” Tavo accesses his desktop, fingers sliding over the glass table.

“I go into season in a few quintants- Shut up, Thace.” The medic scowls, shaking his head in silent disapproval. “I will hopefully conceive sometime in the following movement.”

“Understood. What are your concerns?” The Altean medic casts his dark eyes around the group.

“Nutrition, complications at any point during pregnancy, and predicting needs of the kit once born,” Thace clarifies. “Your majesties, we can carry this conversation without you.”

“You can,” Lance agrees. “But you won’t.” Keith smiles, delighted by his mate’s enthusiasm. “All we want, for today, is to make considerations regarding how we help Keith -and the baby- stay healthy. Starting with nutrition.”

“Right. Excellent.” Thace pulls up several holographic panels. “In your particular case, your Majesty, nutrition is definitely where we need to begin. Your metabolism is extremely fast for a Galra.”

“Is it?” Hunk asks. “Alteans have high metabolisms, but I’ve just been making as much as Keith will eat.”

“Your average Galra consumes roughly one sixth the amount of calories that Kei- Prince Yorak requires to maintain his current condition. That amount in turn does not account for growth spurts, season, pregnancy, or any increase in muscle mass. Basically, anything more than the normal amount of physical output creates strain upon his body that our species is not naturally equipped to deal with.

We’re meant to go for a long time on nothing. Prince Yorak goes for a short time, and only on a great deal.”

“Basically, how do you keep me and a fetus alive and healthy without stuffing me like one of those weird birds you people always eat,” Keith clarifies. “I’ll be stuffed enough.”

“Damn right you will,” Lance snickers. Keith promptly whacks him with the back of his hand with a scolding, while Thace chokes on a laugh and Tavo shakes his head in disappointment.

“Well, my wife is going into labor any dobosh now, so let’s get to work on some meal ideas and then I’m gonna duck out.” Hunk grins. “Your Majesties must come visit once he’s born.”

“We wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Keith promises. “Let’s get to work!”

“Okay! So for the sake of this discussion… Let’s divide nutrient sources into three categories: proteins, fats, and carbs. Carbs should further be divided into starches and cellulose. During pregnancy, you may require more fruits and vegetables as Alteans are primarily vegetarian, so we’ll need to ensure a balanced diet both for you and a your hybrid fetus-”

It takes two vargas to come up with some kind of meal plan, which will probably change a million times anyway, but at least it gives them something to work with -and gives the princes headaches, but whatever-. It’s worth it, and Lance knows it will relieve some of Keith’s anxiety.

“Well, if we’re done, I’d better head out. Rosie is being an absolute monster today, so-”

“Just one thing.” All eyes fall to Keith. “We’re keeping this quiet. There are too many risks to say anything until we’re sure there’s a chance of having a viable fetus. Basically, all of this is a secret until I say otherwise.”

“Understood.” Hunk bows his heads. “We look forward to seeing you home, your Majesties. Farewell.”

“Farewell,” the princes chorus.

“On to complications, then.” Thace decides. “Complications include embryotic miscarriage, fetal miscarriage, stillbirth, birth defects, underdevelopment, excessive bleeding, parasitic placental syndrome-”

“I’m sorry. What did you just say?” Lance leans forward, visibly horrified. Tavo lifts an eyebrow. Apparently, the Altean royal physician hasn’t heard of this either.

“Parasitic placental syndrome. It’s a condition in Galra where the placenta takes an excessive amount of nutrients from the bearer, resulting in malnourishment, miscarriage, premature stillbirth, and extreme malnourishment. Basically, the placenta starves the bearer until they eventually cannot support the fetus.

“In Prince Yorak’s case-”

“It could be fatal,” Keith finishes. “Which brings us to a touchy subject: If it comes down to it, do you save me, or the kit? The answer is me.”

“You’re sure?” Tavo asks.

“Yes. It’s selfish to die for one life, when I have the potential to carry many more.” Keith looks to Lance for his opinion, if the Altean wants to give one. Lance just kisses his cheek.

“Up to you, beloved. But I’d like to have you as a part of my family if at all possible.”

Keith smiles at his mate, brushes a bit of starlight hair away from his face. “Me too.”

“You guys are so cute,” Thace sighs. “Also, total dorks.”

Tavo frowns. “Your Majesties, is this man some kind of prince, to speak so informally to you?”

“No, that’s just Thace. He has no respect for authority unless Daibazaal is in crisis mode.” Keith rolls his eyes, even as his lips curl with the edge of a small smile.

“Bitch, I have five kits. I am the authority.”

“FIVE?” Tavo chokes. “Five children???”

“Oh, yeah.” Thace smirks, clearly enjoying messing with the Altean medic. “Granted three of them are triplets, but… I think that just makes it more impressive.”

Tavo turns to the princes. “Your Majesties, surely this… degenerate is not the only reproductive authority on Daibazaal.”

“No, but he is the best. And my species is suspected to have at least four kits within the span of a decaphoeb, and encourage to have between six and eight. Some have even more.” Keith smiles. “Thace is the best in his field, and he has an intimate understanding of my growth disorder. There is no one I’d trust more with my life during such a critical time. And…

“I’ve not spent much time with you, Tavo, but I know your reputation well, and trust me when I say that you both have a great deal to learn from each other. I can see you two doing amazing things together.” The smile turns to an imperious stare. “Regardless, I expect you both to work together and be nice to each other. If I hear otherwise, I’ll kick your asses.”

The two medical professionals grumble their assent, Thace insulted and Tavo wary but abashed.

“Right,” Keith sighs. “Now, back to our discussion… There’s not really a whole lot to be done about any of those things.”

“Yes, but you should understand the symptoms,” Thace explains. “Bleeding, cramping, contractions, gastrointestinal distress, pain in the lower abdomen, fatigue, rapidly increasing fatigue, etc., etc. I’ll send along some resources on general self care and rearing that you both should read as.”

“Naturally.” Lance grins, puts his arm around Keith's shoulders. “We’re learning together. Right, beloved?”

“Absolutely.” Keith smiles. “Thanks for your time, guys. Thace, we’ll see you quite soon. Tavo, I imagine we’ll see you in a few movements.”

“Indeed you will, your Majesties. You’ll need to receive a health check upon your return from Daibazaal anyway before you are exposed to anyone on Altea. Our planet has far more stringent protocols for entry than Daibazaal does.”

“Understood. We’ll see you then.” Lance waves as the Altean signs off. It’s just them and Thace.

“I’ll come by your den when you return. I want to give you a once-over before your season. Which is extremely close, by the way. I recommend you return here by tomorrow night.” Thace looks Keith up and down. “You seem relatively relaxed, so I doubt it’ll be tonight.”

Keith nods, agreeing with his medic. He feels relaxed, now that his problem with Lance has been resolved. But before long, he’ll get restless, and generally uncomfortable, and he knows it. But he also knows he has Lance, and Lance will help him keep comfortable and safe. Everything will be fine.

As they say their goodbyes to Thace, however, he braces himself for an entirely different kind of conversation.

“So.” Coran sips his tea. The aging Altean’s sitting sideways on the loveseat in their quarters, legs thrown over his husband’s lap. It’s been a habit of theirs almost as long as they’ve been together. “What excuse will they give?”

“Hm…” Alfor pretends to think, massaging Coran’s knee, moving in circles to help ease the pain. Old injuries are the worst, especially when you get old yourself. “Probably ‘We were busy’ or ‘We just forgot’.” The king sighs. “I didn’t expect them to call, to be honest.Our boy’s grown up.”

“He’s been grown up for a while now, dearest.”

“A person’s not grown until they act grown. But I suspect Lancel has been grown for a while now, and just didn’t want anyone to know.”

“Probably.”

A long pause of silence-

“I’m going to call them.” Alfor gently removes his husband’s legs from his lap, reaches for his datapad.

“Darling, don’t you think-”

“I should let them be? No, I do not. They are on Daibazaal, a planet crawling with enemies-”

“Dear…”

“... Crawling with people who are not fond of my family, including and perhaps especially our son and heir?” Alfor types in Lance’s comms code.

“Better.” The red-haired man smiles at his husband, appreciative of his efforts.

“Father! Believe it or not, we were just about to call you!”

“Hello, son!” Coran smiles at the happy face before him. He’s missed his child. Alfor has too, though he hasn’t said it. “Good to see you’re both still alive!”

Alfor, for once, chooses the softer approach. “You look well. Both of you.”

They do indeed. Keith seems a little taller now, his frame a bit more robust. Lance’s skin has darkened, freckles creeping over his nose.

“We’re doing quite well here,” Keith agrees. “I’ve touched base with several contacts from within the Compound and surrounding villages. Lance has established himself as a respectable mate and warrior, thanks to his excellent conduct and impressive displays of mettel.”

Coran raises an eyebrow. “So… You’re as well-behaved as we would expect you to be, and you’ve also managed to get into some trouble. Sound about right?”

“Pretty much,” Lance admits, slightly sheepish. “I am every bit the model guest, and I also squared off against a kronil and saved a dying wolf cub with alchemy. Y’know, normal stuff.”

“A kronil. Really?” Alfor leans back. “Well now, that is impressive.” Especially given his boy’s struggles with combat and alchemy. Alfor smiles, proud of his son, delighted with the giddy pride on his son’s face.

“Now.” Alfor settles back next to Coran, throwing an arm over the back of the loveseat. “I was calling to guilt you for dropping off the edge of the star system. Why were you calling?”

The couple exchanges a glance. “We’re not… entirely sure. We’ve found something, and it could be nothing at all, or something very serious,” Lance explains.

Alfor frowns. It must be serious if Lance wants to tell him about it. There’s really only one thing he knows more about that his son: violence. “I see… What have you found?”

Keith explains the various falsified ship inspection records, where the shipments came from, and what it might mean. Alfor listens, nods. It’s a serious matter, and the boys are taking it very seriously. Both of them.

“So let me see if I understand this correctly,” he says when they’ve finished. “These ships with extra cargo bypassed inspection somehow, and come from planets that help supply the Galra with food, medicine, and raw materials?”

“Yes.” Keith leans forward, brushing a lock of loose hair over his shoulder. “These shipments could be one of two things: smugglers, looking to make a profit by supplying the Galra on Daibazaal with resources not typically available to them in large quantities, or they’re supplying a militia that may be looking to overthrow the Imperial family and name a champion, and/ or invade Altea.

“Neither of our peoples want this,” Keith stresses, staring earnestly at the king. “My people want peace. They have already chosen Lotor as their Champion upon his father’s death or retirement.”

“What exactly does it mean for him to be the Champion?” Alfor asks, unfamiliar with the term.

“Well, you know how there’s the Kral Zera?” Keith asks. Alfor nods. “Even though anyone can participate, the people can petition to choose a Champion, at which point most challengers would back down and allow the Champion to light the flame unhindered.”

“So Lotor is… the Successor Elect?” Alfor clarifies.

“Yes. He argues for strengthening and uniting the empire, instead of continuing to expand. This means more resources available to the commonwealth both here and abroad, as well as better foreign relations with conquered planets and external societies.”

“I see… Some would take issue with this?”

Keith nods. “Some are bitter that my uncle agreed to this alliance. They feel as though they have been cheated. Your people are comparatively few, but formidable. They are one of the reasons that same sex coupling is currently illegal. They don’t produce kits, and so would be considered traitors. Others are simply angered that the atrocities they were ordered to commit came to nothing, that their sacrifices and losses did not lead to victory.”

“So you believe these shipments are supplies being moved by rebels staging a coup?”

“We believe…” Keith rolls his lips between his teeth, tugs on the ends of some of his hair. “We should be prepared for every eventuality. Please understand,” he whispers. “I want so badly for this to never be our problem, but I love my people, just as surely as you love yours. I would do anything for them.”

Alfor sighs through his nose, nods. “I will begin working on plans should Daibazaal face a threat from within. In that case, we would need to split our assets between defence and military assistance, followed by relief efforts. When you return, we can look at them together.”

“Speaking of which, when do you intend to return? Some time this decaphoeb, perhaps?” Coran asks, still a little miffed that his son hasn’t kept in touch.

“Three movements. Keith’s about to go into season, and Thace wants us to stay two movements to keep an eye on him. Just in case of any complications.”

Lance lies so smoothly, Alfor almost doesn’t see the excited glint in his son’s eyes. He chooses not to mention it. He’ll let their life together be as private as they like. Nothing else ever is for a royal couple. Instead, he smiles.

“You’re both doing wonderfully. Keep up the good work, and we’ll see you in a few movements.”

Lance bows his head. “Thank you, Father. Dad.”

Coran waves away his thanks. “Just come home, lads. That’s all we ask. We love you.”

“We will,” Lance affirms. His father signs off without another word, only a fond smile -a small miracle in and of itself-, and Lance throws himself back against the tree with a loud huff.

“I agree,” Keith murmurs, settling against him with a yawn.

Lance puts an arm around him immediately. “Is this normal sleepiness, or season-related sleepiness?”

“Not sure, but we’re just gonna go with it, okay?”

Lance smiles, brushing a thumb across Keith’s cheekbone. The Galra sighs, settling in to sleep. “Sometimes I think the only reason you’re keeping me is to have something to lay on.”

“Hmph. Bed’s never poked me with it’s dick-” Lance gasps, playfully scandalized. “-so that’s definitely not it. I keep you because you're cute.”

“I have never felt so betrayed in my entire life,” Lance teases.

“Shut up and cuddle with me,” Keith grumbles, wrapping his tail around Lance’s waist as he curls up against his chest. Lance chuckles, wraps him up in his arms. “Alfor still sucks. Just so we’re clear.”

“I know. Thanks for behaving.”

“Of course I behaved. He’s your father and you love him.”

“Yeah… I think he loves me, too.” The fact that Lance barely seems to believe it breaks Keith’s heart a little.

“Of course he does. And so do I.”

“I love you too.” Lance kisses his forehead. “Get some sleep.”

“No need to tell me twice.” Keith yawns, settling in to sleep through the warmth of the afternoon.

#LoveAftertheFact #LAtF #klance #galtean au #altean lance #galra keith #adashi #altean adam #galra shiro #voltron legendary defender #vld

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peshcel · 4 years

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Riddle Me This: A Tom Riddle Character Study

[Also posted on Reddit, if you want to comment/share your thoughts!]

Riddle Me This: A Tom Riddle Character Study

*Warnings: some profanity, spoilers, and puns.

‘Twas but a regular Saturday eve when a question of utmost importance grabbed hold of me: ‘Voldemort, why such a You-Know-What?’

You see, while Voldemort appears to be a very classic villain, Tom has proven to be an enigma wrapped in a Riddle (hehe). So, equipped with what I remembered from my BSc in Social Psychology, I also called upon my therapist friend with an MSc in Forensic Psychology to explore what would drive someone like Tom Riddle to become Lord Voldemort.

In this gone-awry Reddit comment, I will drag you along for a deep dive into how our little Dark Lord grew up and discuss concepts like power, control, sense of self, and terror management – all up to the point where Tom Marvolo Riddle introduces his clever anagram ‘Immortal Love Rodd’ ‘I am Lord Voldemort.’

Join me on this character study journey of about 5,500 words (15-30 min) where I try to figure out how Voldemort came to be.

Oh, and be sure to share your thoughts at the end of the ride!

Baby Lord Voldemort: A Pensive Pensieve Trip

“Voldemort is my past, present, and future.”

Long before we found out Snake-face Voldemort had barely a soul left, we thought he was the purest form of evil out there. He had done despicable things before his supposed death and had now resurfaced as a gross face on the back of someone’s head, hell-bent on killing this little kid. As we gradually learned, Voldemort was once Tom Riddle: a charming, brilliant, orphaned Wizard with the potential to go on and do great things. But, we also learned many little tidbits about the circumstances before his birth, about how he grew up and how he portrayed himself at Hogwarts, which has given us just enough to come up with our own theories about his personality and how he was shaped.

So, before we continue, let me quickly arm you with some abnormal psych. terminology. Both Riddle and Voldemort really match the three personality traits of (malignant) narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy, aptly known as ‘The Dark Triad’.

Plucked straight from the Wiki, summarized for your convenience:

Narcissism

is characterized by grandiosity, pride, egotism, and a lack of empathy.

Malignant narcissism

is when narcissism is combined with antisocial behaviors; the evil side of narcissism. (I stumbled upon

A Study in Evil: Voldemort, the Malignant Narcissist

after writing all of this, but I highly recommend giving it a read if you want a deep dive.)

Machiavellianism

is characterized by manipulation and exploitation of others, an absence of morality, unemotional callousness, and a higher level of self-interest.

Psychopathy

is characterized by continuous antisocial behavior, impulsivity, selfishness, callous and unemotional traits (CU), and remorselessness. (Better distinguished as ‘primary psychopathy’.)

*Sidenote: the term ‘sociopath’ is quite often used in pop culture, sometimes even interchangeably with ‘psychopath’. The actual diagnostic term is ‘antisocial personality disorder’, as described by the DSM-5. However, there is a difference between sociopathy and psychopathy, a whole slew of them actually. Important to note is that a ‘sociopath’ refers to a person with antisocial tendencies that are ascribed to social or environmental factors, whereas psychopathic traits are thought to be more innate, i.e. genetic causes (x).

We are given facts in the book that suggest psychopathic, antisocial, and (malignant) narcissistic traits are evident in Tom Riddle from early childhood. Using all that information, I want to take you on a ride to see how all these tidbits together shaped Tom Riddle and how that would lead him to become Lord Voldemort (not to be confused with ‘going Full Voldemort’).

The Interplay of Nature and Nurture, and Magic

Psychopathy is believed to be a complex interworking of mostly nature but also nurture, let’s unpack this in regards to Riddle.

Tom Riddle is born to a Pure-blood mother, Merope Gaunt, and a Muggle father, Tom Riddle Sr. When we are first introduced to the Gaunts, Salazar Slytherin’s last descendants, we meet a violent father and son, and a daughter who takes the brunt of it. We are told that the entire Gaunt line has a history of inbreeding and that they are known to produce individuals with violent and unstable personalities. They live in dire conditions but are incredibly proud people and sneer at the mere existence of Muggles. Merope grows up poor and abused, traumatized, ridiculed for her lack of magic that seems to be more the result of the abuse than the cause for it. Not far from their shack in Little Hangleton lives Tom Riddle Sr.: rich, handsome, somewhat of a prat, and the object of Merope’s affections. Being no great beauty and with little to offer, she “hoodwinks” Tom Riddle Sr. and escapes her dreadful life with her family. Merope is soon with child after their marriage and decides to release Tom Riddle Sr. of whatever spell he’s under, but he leaves her immediately.

Let’s consider the circumstances surrounding the conception of Tom Riddle. J.K. Rowling said that Voldemort could not understand love as he was conceived in a ‘loveless union’. However, she also stated that had Merope decided to live and raise Tom, his life would’ve turned out differently by knowing ‘love’. We could understand the tidbits shared by J.K. to mean that a child born into a loveless union would perhaps grow up in a loveless household, would have no good examples of what love is and would not know or be shown love. While Dumbledore hints that he suspects Merope used a Love Potion to “hoodwink” Tom Riddle Sr., we only know that magic was used. I always understood said ‘loveless union’ to be a magical violation – violation in every sense of the word – and that Tom’s incapability to love was due to magic that tried to correct a balance, i.e. the Laws of Magic™ were violated. Now, I’m no Magical Theorist, but this could mean that actual Magic™ is at play in addition to a genetic predisposition to explain Tom’s psychopathic traits.

Apart from these genetic and magical factors, we could also consider the environmental factors that influenced the biological development of Tom. Merope was left destitute and depressed when Riddle Sr. abandoned her while pregnant. In the dead of winter, with a lot of stressors and suppressed magic, she gave birth to Tom at the orphanage and then died. While we don’t know how her pregnancy developed, this being all guesswork, the prenatal stressors and perhaps a complicated birth due to her suppressed magic could have influenced Tom’s brain development. Brain development or deviating brain structures are linked to psychopathy (x). Simply said, the parts of the brain responsible for empathy and guilt or fear and anxiety don’t work the same for psychopaths, e.g. they don’t experience fear or other affects the way others might. In a psychopathic child, for example, this could mean that they would be hard to socialize because they don’t fear punishment even though they might know that it is a consequence of their behavior. It’s also what makes them great liars (psychopaths can ace a lie detector test like no other). It can also mean being more prone to boredom and seeking thrills as a result (low arousal theory). We could even view all of this in light of ‘Magic™ development’ instead of the Muggle term ‘brain development’.

In addition to taking into account these hereditary, biological and prenatal factors, we'd be remiss not to look at the effect of nurture. Now, we don’t actually know that much about Tom’s early childhood except for what we learn during Dumbledore’s visit to Wool’s Orphanage in 1938. We find out that Tom steals from people, has no qualms about hurting animals, scares and bullies other children, and is a consummate liar ‒ all while having/showing no remorse. Mrs. Cole, the matron of the orphanage, refers to Tom as being a funny boy and odd, that he was a “funny baby, too” and “hardly ever cried”. It is conceivable that the caretakers gave him less attention in response to his lack of showing his needs through crying and that he was picked up and held less often. It could also be a chicken-or-egg situation: perhaps he didn’t cry because he learned his cries would not be responded to, etc. Even if we leave magic out of the equation as to why they would find him ‘funny’, it is likely that he showed general ‘abnormal’ responses and behaviors not appropriate for his developmental stage that were unsettling to others. It is easy to assume that this would lead to people distancing themselves from him and alienating him further. Regardless of cause-effect, there are clear signs here that Tom grows up maladjusted and that his attachment style falls somewhere along the dismissive-avoidant. I think we can assume that the lack of developing a relationship with at least one primary caregiver would really put a damper on having any semblance of a ‘normal’ social and emotional development.

There seems to be a clear interplay here of genetic, biological (magical) and environmental factors as the perfect foundation for dysfunctional personality traits to really come to fruition.

Power & Control: A Narcissistic Trip

“There is no good and evil. There is only power, and those too weak to seek it.”

Strap in as we first take a little detour for a quick exploration of narcissism. As previously stated, we clearly see signs of malignant narcissism in young Tom, characterized by grandiosity, pride, egotism, and a lack of empathy, combined with antisocial behaviors. What is particularly applicable in Tom’s case is Kohut’s theory of narcissism.

The Little Narcissist

In psychoanalytic theory, primary narcissism in children is part of their development.

It is normal for children to develop self-love and object-love, as Kohut puts it. Entertaining notions of greatness, magical thinking, feeling omnipotent and omniscient and believing to have a certain immunity to the consequences of their actions is all part of this development. It is quite innocent, but it can become pathological. According to Kohut, children are normally gently disillusioned of these grand notions, in a nontraumatic manner, by maturing and becoming part of society. Pathological narcissism, however, develops when the child basically has defective narcissistic structures of the self by having this process disrupted.

This defective structure fits Tom Riddle to a T. In addition, Kohut’s theory of object-love really applies here as well. According to Kohut, either a child has a ‘mother’ to confirm their grandiosity, or they seek an adult to create an ‘idealized parent image’. This means they will seek an adult, someone powerful they can look up to, so they can bask in their reflected glory. For Tom, having neither someone to confirm his grandiosity nor someone to look up to means he creates his own powerful parent. We notice this when Tom explicitly asks Dumbledore about his father being a Wizard, since his mother obviously could not have been; she wouldn’t have died if she was. One can imagine his (narcissistic) rage when this image was shattered later on. His five-year search for the Chamber of Secrets to confirm he’s the Heir of Slytherin is a direct result of Tom’s continued search for a sense of self.

The Narcissist’s Plight: Need for Control

One of our main human motivational processes is the desire for control. Actually, it is perceived control that really helps our general sense of well-being. This need exists and is deeply embedded in all of us. However, when people are tried and tested, feel threatened or powerless, a lack of agency can kickstart all kinds of coping mechanisms to maintain the sense of self. So, simply put: the less perceived control you have, the greater the need.

When we speak of power, we speak of control. If there is anyone who is desperate for control it’s the narcissist. The narcissist is believed to have such low self-esteem and fragile ego that it will, subconsciously, protect itself from being injured at all costs. Controlling your circumstances and those around you is a means of guarding and protecting the ego. Anything less just won’t do. A threat to that control, that power, is a perceived threat to the sense of self.

Power is a concept that really tickles Riddle/Voldemort’s Niffler as we pretty much learn from the get-go. Consider again, for a moment, where and how Tom grew up. His ability to control came from his magic. Seeing as how Tom grew up in an orphanage, not a penny to his name and very few resources, I think that Tom learned early on that everything could so easily be taken away from him ‒ by someone bigger, older, someone who had more power. While Tom could ‘control’ his circumstances to some degree with his magic, he was still a child. He seemed to have an innate understanding of his powerlessness, i.e. lack of control. Perhaps less helpless than other children, but still a child dependent on others. Not only that, but he was dependent on people he deemed lesser than him, less intelligent, less special. Something a narcissist like Tom would deeply resent. The thing here is that viewing others as beneath you or believing oneself to be superior to others is an ego defense to deal with insecurity, shame, rejection, etc. Tom develops this ego defense but also gets confirmation of his grandiosity through having magical power that actually does set him apart.

Rejection is another big theme in the life of a narcissist; one that Tom was very familiar with. He was unwanted and fully made aware of it: his mother ‘left’ him by dying, his father never came for him, he was not chosen for adoption, and there were many other children vying for attention. Attention that Tom did not receive but perhaps believed he was owed. Originating from a sense of entitlement, someone like Tom would come to view any sort of rejection as a slight (for he is smarter, better, etc.). While Tom might not have even wanted such attention or even had a particular need to belong – considering he didn’t view anyone as a peer/equal – the fact that it was not automatically given to him was probably construed as insulting.

Control Through Controlling Others

Mrs. Cole told Dumbledore that Tom scared the other children and that it was hard to catch him at any bullying or other malicious acts. With the ability to control his magic at such a young age, along with being highly intelligent, he was quick to figure out how to use this to his advantage. He could fly under the radar when needed, manipulate those in power, and use his skills to control others through fear ‒ ultimately to protect himself and what little he had, but also relishing how he could lord his power over others, establishing his superiority and showing them all how special he was. I believe that Tom honed the art of manipulation at a young age as he couldn’t fathom other ways of tying people to him, of forming relationships ‒ unless there was fear or a sense of owing. His magic gave him the additional tools to control those that didn’t have it.

Then, a defining moment: Tom meets Dumbledore. Using the same control tactics he has probably used with everyone around, Tom tries to command Dumble to do/say certain things. If you squint, you could even say that Tom was able to put a magical compulsion in his commands. Dumbledore, being who he is, is unmoved and even gently puts Tom in his place, which in Tom’s eyes would be considered a slight.

When Tom learns there is a word for his abilities, he is very eager to show off and be acknowledged for it by someone he could potentially identify with, someone who can show him the path to more knowledge, more power, someone ‘worthy’. For the first time, he encounters someone he wants to impress; he does this by boasting about his abilities. How telling it is that our Little Lord says that he “can make bad things happen to people who annoy me,” – not “mean to me” as the movie had us believe.

Here, Tom seems to have accidentally truly revealed himself – perhaps for the first time, definitely the last time. Out of childlike excitement and eagerness, he has shown his hand, which he immediately regrets when it is not followed by recognition and/or approval from Dumbledore. Dumbledore, quickly catching on to the power dynamics, asks Tom to address him as ‘sir’ or ‘professor’ and immediately establishes his authority. Tom accepts it begrudgingly, “expression hardened”, as he needs Dumbledore to tell him more. Upon Tom’s demand, Dumbledore’s power is then quickly, and casually, displayed when he uses the Flame-Freezing charm on Tom’s wardrobe. If I’m being honest, I always found Dumbledore’s ‘casual’ display of power to be very loaded and quite problematic, ‘destroying’ something of Tom’s where he had stashed his very few possessions. Yet, Tom quickly goes from outrage to “expression greedy” when he realizes Dumbledore was just showing his power and using it to impress, i.e. instill fear (Tom immediately asks Dumbledore where he can get “one of them [wands]”).

When Dumbledore uses his ‘power’ to then confront Tom with his stealing and bullying, Tom reluctantly concedes that he cannot manipulate Dumbledore and doesn’t deny his actions, knowing that ‘being truthful’ is how he can appease and steer Dumbledore. He even accepts the humiliation of having to return the stolen items and apologize to others.

Honestly, the whole interaction between them is so significant, so amazing and so telling of Tom’s typical interpersonal dynamics and relationships. It’s no wonder he starts to despise and avoid Dumbledore. Tom had made himself the master of his little universe, believing that no other has his special type of power. Not only did Tom lose his cool during the conversation, he showed weakness by being vulnerable. As Tom learns when he joins the Wizarding World, Dumbledore is even more powerful than he thought and holds strong political power to boot. Someone like Dumbledore, for example, is not just threatening because of his power but because he can see behind Tom’s mask.

Control in the Wizarding World

The interaction with Dumbledore seems to set the tone for Tom’s understanding of ‘power’ in the Wizarding World. It is something he further internalizes when he arrives at Hogwarts and gets sorted into Slytherin, a House of mainly Pure-bloods. I wholeheartedly believe that this little Snake immediately understood the blood status dynamics at school and the hierarchy within Slytherin House; things beyond his control. It is not a stretch to believe that the Slytherins, in particular, bullied him, ostracised him—rejected him—for his lack of Wizarding name, lack of status and money, and tried to show and put him in his place, thus fueling his rage. So at the age of 11, Tom had the mental acuity to realize he needed other tactics to become influential, to wield his power.

Seeing power and status being inherently awarded to Pure-bloods, the very ones who reject him, his own search for a claim to power/his superiority starts off with an obsessive in-depth exploration of his heritage. It is natural to assume that, along with this quest, Tom educated himself on social politics and how to improve himself. He was able to show humility and regard for others, be inhibited and not boastful. We learn from Dumbledore that Tom at Hogwarts showed signs of covert narcissism: no outward signs of arrogance or aggression, seemed polite, quiet, and thirsty for knowledge. He had already learned how to control certain impulses, ingratiate himself, how to hide in plain sight. He just continued to perfect it; he became above reproach by being the perfect student in the eyes of the adults, while fooling his fellow students and building his own following (feeding his ego along the way). He played into Slytherin politics and managed to establish himself as something to behold and to be frightened of, especially when he learned of being a descendent of Salazar Slytherin – a legit claim to power. He now had proof of something he had always believed: I am above them.

Loss of Control and Terror Management

Throughout his time at Hogwarts, Tom managed to perfect his control over others. Despite all his received praise and accolades, his ego remained fragile. I think the fact that he could not escape his blood status, his class – made especially salient when he had to return to the orphanage during the summer – really fueled his obsession to confirm he’s the Heir, i.e. to strengthen his sense of self.

Apart from the orphanage, Tom spends the rest of his formative years at Hogwarts, where he is, at most, considered a Half-blood if not a Muggle-born – i.e. lesser than. His fragile ego and sense of self is constantly challenged if not outright attacked. What’s even more confronting is that he also still has to return to the orphanage during summer break in the years 1938-1945 until he is of age. A place where he cannot use his magic; where he cannot sow the merits of his efforts at Hogwarts; a place where he has little to no control. He has to go back to being an orphan, in an orphanage, among Muggles. This having to return to Hogwarts is even more interesting to note when you consider there is both a Muggle war (WW2) and a Wizarding war (Grindelwald) happening.

That’s why we should also place all of this in the context of when this all took place. Tom experiences both WW2 and the Grindelwald days while he’s a teenager and still at Hogwarts. While he was safe at Hogwarts during most of the year and the winter holidays, he still had to return during the summer. Let me quickly add here that Grindelwald never attacked Britain, but Muggle London was dealing with (the threat of) bombings during those years, with heavy losses in terms of homes, businesses, and lives. Tom just about avoided The Blitz (Sep 7, 1940 – May 11, 1941) and the evacuation of children of Sep 1, 1939 (although, how he managed that, don’t ask). It’s safe to say that times were incredibly tough and unsafe in those days.

So on that note, let me introduce you to Terror Management Theory (TMT). It basically means that when faced with ‘terror’, i.e. one’s own mortality, the anxiety that goes with it can make people do some really effed up things. People will start chasing ways to boost their self-esteem, their self-worth, and for ways to confirm that their life has meaning and that they certainly are not insignificant or disposable. That they matter. Mind you, this all takes place without people even realizing that this is driving them. This theory rears its head when we speak of racism as well. In trying to elevate their sense of self, people can attach great importance to the group they identify with. They will then seek out ways to confirm their group is superior to others (well, well, well).

This theory seems to also fit Tom’s strange, half-assed Heir of Slytherin shenanigans. Same as what happened in the interaction with Dumbledore, Tom’s glee at finding out he’s indeed special makes him impulsive and greedy, disregarding the consequences and acting out of his ‘careful’ character. He has new power within his grasp, new thrills to seek and uncover. In his excitement, he is reckless and gets Myrtle Warren killed. While the rest of his attacks seem very planned and controlled, perhaps to impress his new Knights but most likely to see how far he could push boundaries, it also shows that he either doesn't think or doesn’t care about potential consequences. He is arrogant and unfearing. He could never get caught. Tom only starts caring when his actions become disadvantageous to himself; Hogwarts would close if the attacks continued, meaning he would lose all that he had skilfully and carefully cultivated.

In short, the need for control can drive one to go to really terrible lengths. Straight up tomfoolery, if you will. And if anyone went to great lengths, it was Tom Riddle’s becoming of Lord Voldemort.

Becoming Lord Voldemort: The Narcissistic Psychopathic Wizard’s Guide to Ultimate Power

“What I was, even I do not know … I, who have gone further than anybody along the path that leads to immortality. You know my goal – to conquer death.”

Before we found out the little tidbits about Tom Riddle, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s motives seemed straightforward: Pure-bloods must reign supreme. Knowing what we know now, it would be too simplistic to state that Lord Voldemort was purely driven by hatred for an imagined inferior Other. Namely because at the core of hatred lies fear. A need for control and the deep-seated fear of losing said control would be something Tom would and could never admit to. It would mean acknowledging that something (i.e. fear) had control over him, in effect a weakness.

He is a Half-blood orphan with nothing to his name, a nobody. He has a smidgen of hope when he discovers he is a descendent of Salazar through the Gaunts, but any notion of tangible rewards associated with that is shattered when he finds the Gaunts fallen from grace into obscurity. There is fear of forever being a nobody, unremarkable; entering the world with nothing and leaving the world with nothing ‒ all the while knowing that he is obviously destined for greatness (hello narcissist, my old friend).

He derived his new sense of self from being a descendant of the great Salazar Slytherin, who ‘rightfully’ detested those of lesser blood. As is typical for the malignant narcissist, Tom really has a ‘transparent’ defense mechanism to protect his fragile ego: projection. His hatred of his own lack of pure blood leads him to distance himself from it, denying whatever undermines his belief of being something special and extraordinary or not being worthy of the name. Distancing himself from that what makes him common and unworthy, he literally takes on a new name and kills off the Riddles. By going to extreme lengths, he can distance himself and 'eradicate' that what he despises most about himself. He is not like those 'filthy' Muggles: the ones he was forced to be dependent on, those lesser beings that deprived him of what he was owed; the ones that left his mother for dead, etc.

His 'great' blood is obviously the reason for his 'greatness', his destiny. Not only was this thought fed by the Pure-bloods around him, but it is the rhetoric that gives him a supply of Pure-bloods fanning at his feet. A thrill in of itself to see the privileged worship him.

Riddle's actions seem to have always been very self-serving. He never preached what Grindelwald did; it was never for the ‘greater good’. It is quite evident in the vagueness of Voldemort’s politics regarding purity. It was simply a means to an end; just a way to see how far he could go in amassing power. The ‘mission & vision’ he proposed was probably one of the few things that Pure-bloods could get behind and would go to great lengths to achieve/protect. For Tom, it was a way of opening doors. Not only financially and socially, but also in terms of access to knowledge hoarded and guarded by Pure-bloods. Becoming and remaining uncontested in every sense of the word would mean being in control. No longer dependent on what others are willing to ‘grant’ him. No one would ever be able to challenge Him, take anything from Him, ever again: the ultimate power.

Control of the Uncontrollable

So let’s turn our attention back to power: what would be ultimate power for a Wizard? Something a Wizard has never done and somewhere a Wizard has never gone before: beyond the veils of Death; surpassing mortal constructs ‒ and defeating something as terribly common as 'death'. I think this seed, this fear, was planted in Tom’s mind from a very young age. We see it when he asks Dumbledore whether his father was a wizard, for his mother couldn’t have been “or she wouldn’t have died”. Aptly enough, this fear of death or anxiety induced by the thought of one's one mortality stems from low self-esteem, which a narcissist has in abundance.

It’s also interesting to go back to a psychopath’s psychophysiology. Psychopaths are believed to have low arousal compared to others and are prone to boredom. They could go to lengths to find a ‘thrill’. Discovering the limits, pushing boundaries and going beyond that would be completely on-brand for a Wizard with psychopathic tendencies. Maybe I’ve read too many fanfictions, but a common thought seems to be that the Dark Arts are highly addictive, so someone like Tom would keep pushing it and pushing it, until he could go where no one has gone before. Thus begins his slow decline a la: ‘A Horcrux, you say? Hold my butterbeer, imma make 7.’

It’s intriguing that he went for dependence on external objects to safeguard his continued survival. Objects that he either entrusted his most loyal followers with or hid in locations that had meaning to only him. He even had a magical living creature be the container. As we saw over the course of the series, it really wasn’t all that foolproof. But that’s the arrogance of Tom Riddle; he believed that while not many Wizards would even go down the path of creating a Horcrux, none would even conceive creating seven. What’s more, how would anyone even have the smarts to figure out his pattern, his way of thinking – preposterous. If only he had known about the Hallows sooner. Alas.

Granted, there were other ways of circumventing mortality. But ‘cheating’ death by becoming a vampire, for example, would mean being a slave to one's own bloodlust and limitations, dependent on others still to sustain you, i.e. no control, still killable. Another obvious avenue would be using the Philosopher’s Stone as Flamel did, but it would not be anything new. Stealing it or copying it would mean nothing to him. He would be ‘immortal’ but weak and feeble, dependent on a stone, also still killable. So it seems that it’s not necessarily immortality in and of itself, but controlling how and when you die.

Conclusion: Spiraling out of Control

To summarize the why, Tom Riddle was a narcissistic psychopath with a high IQ, immense magical ability, a chip on his shoulder and something to prove ‒ and a need to be acknowledged for it. The potent mix of nature, magic, and nurture seemed to have really worked their, ehm, magic (sorry). Tom’s ‘abnormal’ behaviors in his childhood were strong predicting factors for the potential to entertain notions of one day being a Dark Lord. However, the odds seem like they were already in that favor before he was even born when we consider his genetic makeup along with the circumstances surrounding his conception and his birth. The Muggle environment he grew up in and the Magical world he was then introduced appear to be the ‘umami’ flavoring for the mix to inevitably lead him down his self-destructive path.

Tom’s actions and behaviors all seem to boil down to an excessive need for control and the deep-seated fear of losing it. Growing up with Muggles, he used all his talents to exert his control over those weaker, sans Magique. In his peak Riddle days, Tom was quick to figure out he could control people by using his glib charm, his looks, and his extreme intelligence to manipulate everything to his liking. He was able to trick people into ‘wanting’ to give him the things he desires, making people believe that he’s ‘giving’ them something in return. With his psychopathy and narcissism fully taking the wheel, it seems that he no longer cared – or saw the need – to pretend to cater to the wishes of others. Fear became his main tool in the peak Voldemort days; the only thing he deigned to ‘give’ others was allowing them to stay alive, avoid punishment, or allowing them to unleash their darkest fantasies. In chasing evermore control, power, he ends up spiraling. His actions shift from sly, cunning, covert manipulative behaviors to more impulsive, erratic and desperate behaviors, all stemming from a loss of control, of his carefully cultivated power. His mask, literally and figuratively, disappears.

It’s impossible to look past the incredible symbolism and irony of the Horcruxes. In his belief that eliminating and eradicating his weaknesses would make him untouchable, that very pursuit ended up being his undoing. With the killing off of the last vestiges of ‘normality’, he seemed to be completely driven by his impulses (or his Id, as Freud would say). If we add ‘death terror’ to this, it would explain why it went as far as Going Full Voldemort and becoming a mass murderer blindly obsessed with a prophecy that merely hinted at his potential defeat.

Rowling said that Voldemort's boggart would be his own corpse, and I think that makes sense ‒ for Voldemort, that is. His corpse would signify the fact that he could die and thus be defeated, the ultimate loss in the ultimate battle for ultimate power (say ‘ultimate’ one more time!). I think Tom Riddle's boggart would've been a poor man's grave; not only did he die (ugh, lame), but he died with nothing to show for it.

With all that being said, being a psychopath does not evil make. However, Tom Riddle’s dire need for a sense of self, immersion in the Dark Arts, and the mutilation of his soul are what really made him turn into an unmitigated You-Know-What. The destruction of his soul left a shell of a man driven by dark base emotions: Full Voldemort.

The end.

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letmetellyouaboutmyfeels · 4 years

Note

flogan enemies to lovers college roommates au tho

I am so sorry that it’s taken me so long to get to this prompt, nonny! I was very excited to tackle it. Mwahaha. Have some stupid pining idiots below the cut, this time in college together!

Not everyone got along well with their college roommate, it was true. That was why, hopefully, you only had to put up with them for a year, or even just one semester depending on how much you bribed the student housing office. But few roommates had clashed so instantly and spectacularly as Wyatt Logan and Garcia Flynn.

Wyatt was from a relatively small town in Texas, and was only in college to follow his girlfriend, Jess, who wanted to be an investigative reporter. He was white, cocky, and thought James Bond was the height of cinema. Flynn was an international student from the newly-formed Croatia, had already fought in a war, and possessed the opinion that if men learned to shut up every once in a while, the world would probably benefit.

The fact that both he and Wyatt had been forced to grow up too early, too soon, had both had complicated relationships with fathers who were now dead, and both were World War II nerds (Flynn because of his father, Wyatt because of Ian Fleming) didn’t seem to matter to them. The entire dorm knew when Wyatt and Flynn were at hammer and tongs, because Wyatt and Flynn both lacked volume control.

“Would it fucking kill you to clean up your shit!? When was the last time you did laundry!?”

“It’s all on my side of the room, dipshit, so I don’t see why you’re complaining.”

“If you blast your fucking country music while I’m trying to study, I will ram this book on the history of the Bolshevik Wars down your throat.”

“That’s pretty fucking rich coming from the guy who practices his debate points out loud at two in the goddamn morning...”

On, and on, and on. The freshman RA had been asked several times to try and intervene, but Flynn was 6′4″ and looked like he murdered people in his spare time as a stress-reliever before exams, so it was rather hard to talk to him about anything. Wyatt, meanwhile, would just go bright red and mutter that it wasn’t his fault, he didn’t start this, so really, it was a lost cause to try and intervene.

Then Jess broke up with Wyatt over Thanksgiving break, and things got really bad.

“Are you ever going to get out of bed?” Flynn mused. “Or are you going to lie there until you slowly die?”

“Like you’d care,” Wyatt huffed back. So what if he’d been in bed for the last three days?

Jess was all he had. The only good thing about his hometown, and his only friend here at college. He’d come here for her, and she’d had the audacity to break up with him!?

“I’ll care when your corpse starts to stink,” Flynn noted.

Wyatt didn’t even bother to flip him off. Flynn was a pain in his fucking ass but at least, he supposed, Flynn paid attention to him. Texas A&M was big, and it was easy to get lost in the crowd. He wasn’t sure his professors would even notice if he didn’t show up for class.

He did end up staying in bed for three days. Not that it was a big deal. The post-Thanksgiving classes were a joke, anyway. Everyone was too busy cramming for exams before winter break.

...winter break, where he now had nowhere to go. He’d been planning to go home to Jess’s house with her, but... yeah. He’d probably just stay on campus. Great.

On the third day, he was woken up by Flynn dumping a box on his chest. “What the fuck!?”

“Eat,” Flynn growled, and then he walked back out of the room.

Wyatt examined the box. It was a takeout box from the campus dining hall, and the food did smell good...

Ugh, fine, okay. He’d eat it.

Flynn returned about five hours later, dumped another box on his lap, took away the first one, and then did homework silently. Wyatt glared at Flynn’s back, but if Flynn noticed, he didn’t say anything.

This process was repeated the next day, only with the addition of a bottle of water.

Wyatt watched, suspicious, as Flynn worked on his essay. “Are you fattening me up for slaughter?”

“Nonsense, you know I stick to a strict diet of children,” Flynn replied.

Wyatt told himself the sarcasm wasn’t funny.

Sometime that night, Wyatt woke up to find Flynn still working at his desk. That wasn’t unusual, but Wyatt could’ve sworn the book that Flynn was using as a reference was a biology book, and Flynn wasn’t taking biology. Wyatt was, as one of his mandatory science credits.

He rolled over and went back to sleep.

On the fifth day of this, Wyatt woke up because Flynn was dragging him out of bed by the ankles. “What the fuck!?”

“You stink,” Flynn replied, letting go of Wyatt’s ankles only to grab him by the wrist and haul him to his feet. “You’re taking a shower.”

“I am doing jack shit--hey!” Wyatt yelped as Flynn proceeded to hook his arms under Wyatt’s and then bodily haul him down the hallway, then throw him into the bathroom. Shampoo, conditioner, and soap were tossed in after him.

Wyatt noted that these were not his shampoo, conditioner, and soap. He actually didn’t know where those were. He took a shower, since he suspected marching back into his room to yell at Flynn would only result in Flynn hauling him back into the shower, and the guy was really fucking strong, so. Path of least resistance and all that.

He smelled like Flynn when he got out of the shower, which he told himself was not a good thing, even though it did something weird to his stomach. The odd behavior didn’t stop there, either--when he got back, he saw that his bed had been stripped down and his side of the room had been cleaned up.

“Where’s my stuff?” he asked, squinting at Flynn, who was reading a book on the golden age of piracy and looking far too pleased with himself.

“Put away, where it’s supposed to be. Your bedsheets are in the laundry.”

Wyatt’s face heated up. “I didn’t ask for your help, you know.”

“Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.” Flynn’s accent got a little thicker when he was pissed, and Wyatt would die before admitting he liked it. Flynn snapped his book shut. “Whether you asked for it or not, genius, you needed it.”

“Oh, I needed it. Right. Like a guy can’t take a few days off.”

“You weren’t eating, you weren’t showering, you were lying in bed.” Flynn’s voice had a dangerous edge to it, one that Wyatt had never heard before. “That’s not taking a few days off, Wyatt, that’s depression.”

“I’m not depressed.”

“If it honks like a duck and walks like a duck and...”

“Is that some kind of Croatian saying?”

“Oh, fuck you.” Flynn stood up, tossing the book aside. “Excuse me for trying to save your fucking life.”

“Maybe I didn’t want my life saved!” Wyatt snapped back, and oh, oh that was a little more real than he’d meant it to be.

Flynn didn’t look away, just kept those intense eyes on him, Flynn was always so intense and Wyatt could never really handle it, he always had to look away, except this time he couldn’t.

“My mom got like that,” Flynn said at last. “After my dad died. I... I didn’t know how to handle it. His death, or her. So I did something... stupid, I lied about my age and I signed up for the war.”

He huffed out a sardonic chuckle. “That snapped her out of it, all right. But not the way I’d hoped. I always told myself if I got another chance, I’d do better. I’d help the person the right way.”

Wyatt felt something inside of him crack open, like someone was finally looking at him and understood. “I don’t have anyone,” he admitted. “Other than Jess. I don’t... I’ve got no one. No plan. Nothing I want. Nothing I care about.”

“We’ll find you something,” Flynn said.

“Yeah, sure.” Wyatt snorted.

“We will,” Flynn repeated, and he sounded so annoyingly decided about it, that Wyatt kind of believed him.

They didn’t really talk further about... all that, not until a week later when they were both on the tail end of an all-nighter. Flynn had, as Wyatt suspected, been doing Wyatt’s homework for him while Wyatt was down for the count, but Flynn had taken pains to hide it so Wyatt didn’t thank him. He suspected Flynn didn’t want to be thanked.

That night, though, he was a bit buzzed from the caffeine and lack of sleep, and there’d been a thought annoying him at the back of his brain for a while. “Y’know something that’s... it shouldn’t annoy me but it does?”

“Hmm?” Flynn replied. They were sitting on Flynn’s bed, Flynn opposite him, their legs stretched out so that Wyatt’s feet were kind of in Flynn’s lap and vice versa. Flynn put down his book and made a go on gesture.

“Jess said a lot of shit, and I’m starting to think she was right.” Wyatt put his notebook and pencil aside. “Yeah, I thought about myself and not her, I never listened, I’ve got some shit to work out, but...” This was so fucking embarrassing. “She said I was bad in bed, and for some fucking reason that’s what I keep focusing on.”

Flynn stared at him. “That’s what...”

“Yeah, I know it’s stupid, you don’t have to tell me.”

Flynn cocked his head a little, and did that thing when he was thinking where he’d run his tongue over his bottom lip. It made Wyatt feel oddly hot and achey when Flynn did that. “I think I know why.”

“Oh, great, what, were you spying on us or something...”

“No, moron, I just know you.”

“Fine, then what’s the problem? If you’re such an expert on me.” Wyatt felt like he was stepping out onto thin ice and daring Flynn to do it with him, trying to get them both to plunge into icy water.

Flynn opened his mouth, paused, then said, “Kiss me.”

Wyatt could feel his eyes going wide. “What!?” It came out strangled, and there was no explanation for the way his stomach swooped.

Flynn rolled his eyes. “It’s better if I just show you, okay? C’mon, prove Jess wrong.”

“But...” I’m not gay.

The thought of kissing Flynn, though, had him hot all over, just like when he’d thought about kissing Jess. He’d been horny and fidgety all day when he’d taken a shower with Flynn’s stuff and smelled like him, smelled Flynn on him all day, and that... that wasn’t how you were about guys you didn’t...

“Nobody knows about this, okay?” Wyatt huffed, obligingly crawling across the bed. “Or you’re dead.”

“You think I want everyone knowing about this?” Flynn snapped back. “God made you all pretty and no brains, fucking hell.”

You think I’m pretty? Wyatt thought, but like fuck was he gonna say that out loud, so he just kissed Flynn before he could dig himself an even bigger hole.

Flynn almost immediately made a knowing, displeased noise, and slid his hand around the back of Wyatt’s head to fist in his hair. “Yeah, that’s what I thought,” he said, and Wyatt was about to demand what the hell that meant, except Flynn kissed him again. And this time, Flynn was in control.

Wyatt found himself pushed back until he was flat on his back on the bed, grabbing onto Flynn’s shoulders to keep himself steady as Flynn sealed his mouth over Wyatt’s. Jesus Christ, he’d always kind of assumed that Flynn had never done anything since Flynn’s schedule consisted of class, homework, and annoying Wyatt, but at some point Flynn had obviously gotten some action because the man knew what the fuck he was doing.

The odd thing was, Wyatt... liked this. Not just kissing Flynn, although that was, um, a hell of a something, but the fact that Flynn was the one calling the shots. He coaxed Wyatt into whatever it was he wanted Wyatt to do, he chose when to pull away and to plunge back in, and he forcibly held Wyatt in place when he decided to kiss along Wyatt’s neck and jaw instead, forcing Wyatt to shake and whine because it felt so fucking good and he couldn’t do anything about it.

“See,” Flynn rumbled at last, when Wyatt was a wreck and felt like his brain was leaking out his ears. “You keep trying to be in control and just do whatever you want. And it doesn’t sit right, does it? You like it better when the other person’s the one in charge.”

Every inhale felt like fire in his lungs. Wyatt just nodded dumbly, words kind of out of the question.

“Feels like you’re in charge because that’s how it’s supposed to be, right?” Flynn went on. He shifted slightly and Wyatt could feel the weight of him and he nearly lost his entire mind. “Not because that’s actually how you want it to be. If you’d let Jess be in charge, more, I bet you both would’ve liked it better. You can’t do something properly if you’re not really enjoying it.”

Wyatt had to admit, showing him had been the better option. If Flynn had said all this before the making out, Wyatt would’ve gotten angry and refused to listen to him.

Flynn started to pull away, which dragged his body against Wyatt’s, and Wyatt whimpered helplessly. A voice that sounded very much like his dad’s was screaming at him that this was disgusting, wrong, perverted, but at the same time it felt so good, Flynn felt good, and Wyatt didn’t want Flynn to stop.

Besides, he was safe with Flynn. Flynn took care of him.

“You should show me other stuff,” Wyatt blurted out, before he lost his courage. “Y’know, I mean, only if you really want.”

Flynn’s eyes bore into him, hot and searching, and for the first time Wyatt wasn’t afraid to stare right back, match Flynn’s gaze.

After an agonizing moment, Flynn moved forward again, putting all of his weight down on Wyatt this time, settling between Wyatt’s legs, and oh fuck, Wyatt could feel Flynn, hard and hot, up against where Wyatt himself was pretty damn compromised.

“If I really want,” Flynn echoed, sarcasm lacing his voice.

Wyatt nodded. He got daring, spreading his legs a little farther, arching up a bit.

Flynn’s eyes looked black.

Flynn kissed him again, and this time, they didn’t come up for air.

The rest of the dorm still got to know when Wyatt and Flynn were at it, just for an entirely different reason. Because Wyatt still lacked volume control.

#mads answers things #mads writes stuff #timeless #timeless fanfic #flogan #flogan fanfic #li'l ficlet

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yuwrites · 4 years

Text

ramen [Kuroo]

Pairing: Kuroo Testurou x f!reader

Genre: sfw, angst(?), fluff(?)

A/N: AHHHHH! This is my first time writing period. I have never written anything close to this this so pardon me for any typos or inconsistencies. I rushed to put this idea to paper before it left my small brain. There are a few flashbacks, hopefully they won’t be too confusing. Thank you!

wc: 2,739

“I learned to make soft-boiled eggs for you”

His smile was tinted with pain. Eyes soft and blurred as he felt them well with the beginnings of tears. His voice sounded parched, almost half strangled. Your own stomach lurched as the rest of your body just froze in place. Of all the things to bring up in a time like this-

“You know they are really annoying to make?”

Kuroo brought a hand to cover his face as he poorly attempted to chuckle through the lump in his throat that still refused to move. His usual teasing demeanor was completely washed away and now the tall tower of a man stood before you trying his best to look at the ground. Somehow despite his stature he look smaller. It was unnerving. It wasn’t Kuroo.

“Kuroo-”

“6 minutes in boiling water. That’s what the old man said. And then you have to dunk them in cold water before you peel them. The amount of dishes I go through just to make some soft-boiled eggs...”

“I get that, but what does this have anything to do with...anything? What the hell is going on?”

The winter wind whipped between the two of you, but neither of you felt a thing. Kuroo, in spite of himself, would bet that your gaze would be piercing through him right about now. Your eyes were like cold water after a game: shockingly refreshing to the point where it would almost hurt. Constantly searching for the truth under all his jabs and trolling. Much like ice, they would melt every time you laughed. And boy, did he love it when you laughed. Especially when he would be the one to make your sides hurt so much that your eyes would crinkled in the corners. He could do that. Your laughing eyes would radiate on him like sunshine on a cool, spring afternoon back when the two of you were running around Nekoma High together. Everyone and their mother knew of course, but the two of you were thick as thieves and just as dense to whatever was blooming between the two of you.

Sure, High-school Kuroo would not have been anywhere close to being able to untangle the complicated feelings within himself. He was already in a whirlwind of classes and volleyball. The cool-headed, constantly antagonizing, captain of the volleyball team had to steer his ship straight through hell or high water. Kuroo didn’t have anymore room in his heart for anything else.

He knew that.

You knew that.

Or so both of you thought. And yet, standing before you today, 2 years into college, Kuroo had every compulsion to go back in time and shake his younger-self senseless. No room left? How wrong he was.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 FLASHBACK 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

It wasn’t as if you haven’t seen each other since high school. No, Kuroo made sure that you were going to be within a reasonable distance from him so he could keep bothering you hangouts could still be possible. Thanks to Kuroo’s military-like study schedule, you were actually able get into the same university (your parents thanked him a little too excessively to your liking). Kuroo was heading for Chemical Engineering. To everyone’s surprise, you were going to try Biology. You realized in high school that when Kuroo made you you actually applied yourself, you found biology to be a little interesting. It felt like nothing was going to change. But things did, as life always does.

Your friend groups expanded independently from each other. Kuroo started playing for the University Volleyball Club and when Kenma entered the same university, Kuroo roped him along. Both of you were taking on intense majors that ate up your schedules. When Kenma (bless him) started sharing an apartment with him, he became the only real excuse for you both of you to meet each other, but somehow the two of you seemed more like awkward acquaintances than best friends. As the time between meet-ups grew longer, you both began to notice how different you became.

I don’t remember him being this tall...did he grow?

Ah, she grew out her hair...she looks...

Sometimes you had to dip from a movie night early because you had to cover for someone on a group project last minute. Late game nights would end when Kuroo’s phone buzzed with a few too many messages from a girlfriend indicating he had to go. Maybe back then you would have had the courage to tell him about his current choice in women, but all you could so was feel the dull pang in your chest and wave goodbye as he sheepishly left the apartment. These were the nights where Kenma, your ever patient and trusting friend, would turn to you and ask if you were okay.

“Of course! Why wouldn’t I be?” You had a feeling he knew you weren’t okay at all, but you were thankful that he chose not to pry further.

You only didn’t know that Kenma, in his best effort to try and keep his two best friends from self-imploding, was asking the same questions to Kuroo. Despite the few girlfriends that have come and gone or even the good, great, or bad games he’d play...

“Of course! Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Why do I have a very good feeling that is a bold-face lie?”

“ohohoh, since when were you able to read me so well?”

“Because that is literally my job.” Kenma whipped his gaze from his game to Kuroo. Kenma’s eyes were just as piercing as yours, but at this time, they were needle-like, pricking Kuroo rather than analyzing him. Almost as if to try and tease out whatever he was trying to hide. “Are you going to admit you are actively avoiding Y/N-san, or are you going to continue on like this?”

“What do you mean? I am not trying to avoid anyone,” he said half-playfully from his desk.

“Are too”

“Are not”

A pause.

“Are too. I can only guess because it’s going to be Y/N-san’s birthday soon and you are debating on being a no-show...again.”

The last word hit like a dull thud in his chest. He wasn’t wrong. He missed it last year. He had every reason to go. He would have been able to see his old Nekoma buddies and despite how busy the two of you were, he was supposed to be your best friend. And yet, he couldn’t bring himself over to your place. Not after what seemed like a year full of insurmountable awkwardness that built up between the two of you. You both changed and grew up so much he wouldn’t know how to think straight if he were to see you again. It scared him.

Because ever since you both graduated high school and slowly started being pulled your separate ways, he realized how much your very presence was like water in the midst of a desert. Why was it that the cheers from his past girlfriends seem so muted compared to yours when you were hollering from Nekoma’s stands? Others would borrow his hoodies, but yet he can still remember the smell of your detergent after you borrowed and washed it for him. He has held so many hands, but none could really draw warmth into him like the times you have split a hot meat bun in front of the convenience store after practice. He couldn’t help but see you everywhere, regardless of whether he was dating or single. In the sounds, the sights, the smells, he thought of you and would imagine how you look if you were with him in those moments. Would you intensely stare at it, trying to drink it all in? Would your eyes melt like they used to in laughter?

What would they look like if they were looking at him?

If he could go back to high school, he’d have asked if he could have held your gaze just a little longer. Forever, in fact.

But now? He couldn’t bearing looking straight at you, about to cry over soft-boiled eggs.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 FLASHBACK OVER　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

You both were still standing in front of your apartment. The sun was about to set and a few streetlights were beginning to turn on.

You didn’t expect him to show up...at all. You already prepared yourself when Kenma arrived alone yesterday to your birthday party. He handed you a small gift bag full of stationary (which you adored) with a small card signed “From Kenma & Kuroo”. It was definitely in Kenma’s handwriting, but you didn’t want to bother asking what you knew was going to be a disappointing answer. You went to sleep happy seeing old friends and turning another year older, but it still felt somewhat incomplete. An unfulfilled birthday wish that may never be fulfilled in the future. But by dinner time the next day and one rushed doorbell press later, here he was.

He ran. You could tell from the sheen across his face, but he was trying to measure his breaths as best he could.

He had gotten so tall. His figure almost seemed to block out the doorway as he was leaning on your door frame. His bed head was still very much the same and just what you remembered (although Kenma was telling you it has gotten worse). His eyes...didn’t meet yours.

“Kuroo...is everything okay? It’s freezing...” Your heart was pounding in your chest.

“Do you remember that time you were sick in high school? Really sick that you couldn’t come to class so I had to bring you two days worth of notes?”

“Yeah, but what does this have to do w—”

“You had the worst stomach bug and yet as soon as you got better the first thing you wanted to eat was ramen from the shop down the street,” his hand still hadn’t left his face. “Of all the things a sick person chooses to eat, you wouldn’t stop whining about ramen and how amazing their soft-boiled egg was.”

It was true. That day you felt horrible inside and out, but you were desperately craving something warm and fatty. Weeks prior, you were hounding Kuroo to come try the ramen with you and how ooey-gooey the egg was.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 FLASHBACK 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

“It’s perfection. I still see it in my dreams.”

“uh huh, well I have a tournament this weekend so nothing fatty for me this week. So for now, keep it in your dreams,” he laughed and flicked your forehead. You jokingly pouted as the two of you headed out of your classroom.

However, as soon as the team came back from their tournament, you were sick for two days. Kuroo made it his mission to stay by your side. You didn’t have the strength to leave the house, but one night, when your appetite was coming back, Kuroo knocked on your bedroom door and brought in a hot bowl of instant ramen and the best looking soft-boiled egg you have ever seen.

“Your mom let me borrow the kitchen. It’s nothing fancy, but I’d figure this will get you to shut up about ramen and eggs for now,” he smirked as he proudly showed his work.

“I’m just astounded you are able to create something edible”

“Alright if that’s the case, I can just take this back-”

“Wait! I still want it!” His smirk grew bigger as he readied his chopsticks.

“Say ‘ah”

“What no!”

“My patient, my rules. Ahhh.”

“You aren’t even a doctor!”

“Out of the two of us, I think my grades show that I have the better chance of becoming a doctor. Now open up or so help me I am going to call up Yamamoto-”

“Ugh. Fine.”

It was delicious to say the least and the egg? Perfection.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 FLASHBACK OVER　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

“Yeah...I still remember that. It was...I-it was good.” Kuroo took a deep breath.

“I asked the old man from the shop about how to make a soft-boiled egg.” A small smile cracked beneath his pained face. “He almost laughed me out the door for coming to a ramen shop to ask about eggs. But when I told him it was for a sick friend who was madly in love with his ramen and eggs, he showed me.”

Kuroo dropped his hand and raised his gaze. When his eyes met yours, you felt like the ground was taken from underneath you and the air sucked away from your lungs. The sheer intensity in his eyes was unlike what you have ever encountered. It was like embers burning through you. It was colored in a mixture of pain warped with sorrow and...longing? This was both a familiar and new face all at once. You’d never though you would be able to see Kuroo make this kind of face, much less towards you. Tears were starting to brim in your eyes as well, but you couldn’t look away. You didn’t mean to, but your hand went to hold his cheek, trying to catch any stray tears that might fall. When you realized what you did, you tried to pull it back.

But he held it there. He held it there as if he needed it there. And he did.

He needed you like a drowned man needed air. He needed to hear your voice pierce the noise of the crowd at his games again. He needed the way your eyes shined whenever you learned something new. When he looked at you now, he could see those eyes he missed so much. This time, they looked so soft and warm. Is this how you always looked at him? Why didn’t he say something sooner? He’s missed so much in a few years, but he didn’t want to miss anymore.

He pulled your hand down from his face, but he still held it in his. He eyes never moving from yours.

“It took me quite a decent amount of eggs to get it right. But what I didn’t realize was that, if I was doing this for a friend who was madly in love with some ramen and eggs...I must also be madly in love with that person.”

You couldn’t have stopped the tears even if you tried, but Kuroo pushed onward while trying to also simultaneously use his sleeves as a tissue. The tension broke and the two of you were half giggling as you both acknowledged what a hot mess you were.

“I am so sorry for being so late...and so dumb...and, I really do need to apologize to Kenma...and wow, you have so much snot”

“You have absolutely have no right to say anything about snot right now.” You lightly punch his shoulder as you feel your face flush. Kuroo chuckled and he brought you into his arms. If you weren’t already an emotional mess, you might fallen over from sheer shock. Face buried in his chest, you could hear how fast his heart was beating. It was also incredibly warm despite the winter cold surrounding the two of you. You wrapped you arms around him and he placed his chin on your head, thoroughly tucking you in. For all intents and purposes, this was what “right” felt like. He squeezed you a little bit, to make sure that this was real. It was.

“What I am trying to say is: (Y/N), I am sorry I am late, in more ways than one. I’m sorry for missing your birthday, but also for not realizing that after all these years...I missed you and I love you. I always have and a lot more than I thought I could bear.”

His heartbeat was now rocketing off into space and you felt your blush grow deeper as you tried to hide your face.

“You don’t have to like me back, but I can only assume from the way we are standing...” His voice was slowly reverting to a familiar teasing tone.

“Of course, you idiot. I-I missed you too. And I love you,” you mumbled, internally dying from the reality of saying it out loud.

“Oh? What was that?”

“Shut up.”

You couldn’t see his face from the way you were burying yourself in the hug, but Kuroo’s face washed with both relief and elation. He was giddy and his heart felt so full, it felt like it could burst. He squeezed you even harder as he pressed his lips to the top of your head.

“I love you.”

#kuroo x reader #kuroo tetsuro x reader #haikyuu kuroo #haikyuu fic #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu x you #kuroo #kuroo tetsurou #kuroo tetsurō #kuroo testuro #hq kuroo #haikyuu writing #hq #hq x reader #hq x you #fluff #haikyuu fluff

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siren-theories · 5 years

Text

Repeating the past - Ben and Ryn as modern parallels to Charles Pownall and his mermaid?

When I wrote my previous post about the Pownall Massacre I noticed just how many parallels between the massacre and our trio exist, especially for the characters of Ben and Ryn. In fact, I saw so many parallels that I started writing the following as the last part of my analysis. But I soon realized that this was too large and merited an article of its own.

If you are unfamiliar with the story of the Pownall Massacre feel free to read my previous article on it (or alternatively you can just accept my conclusions at face value).

Gifs in this post are either taken from the official freeform site, Crayonboxhearts, koortega or sirensource.

Due to the characters involved in the Charles Pownall story this analysis has to mainly focus on Ben and Ryn. I apologize beforehand if it seems as if I am ignoring Maddie. You will understand why once you get to the last part of this article.

Hypothesis: The story of Charles H. Pownall and his mermaid might be repeating itself in the form of Ben and Ryn (and to a certain extent Maddie).

(Polymarine fans upon reading the previous sentence)

The looming threat of Ben turning into his ancestor and Ryn into the original mermaid is always present in the show and adds drama and spice to their relationship. A huge part of what makes their relationship worth watching is experiencing how they overcome the past - or not - and how they make different choices than their respective families / societies. This piece will examine how the show creates parallels and in which way they differ from the original characters.

Part I: The Parallels

There are multiple obvious parallels between the story of Charles and his mermaid and our trio, so many in fact that this is very unlikely to be coincidental.

1. Charles Pownall was the first of the Bristol Cove community to meet a mermaid and became entranced with her and her song

(ELAINE: “I*m curious, how did you and Ben become friends? RYN: Ben almost hit me with car.”)

Likewise, Ben is the first person in close to 150 years to meet a mermaid and he too becomes entranced with her song in Episode 101: “The Mermaid Discovery”.

2. Both Charles and Ben were already in a committed relationship when they met the mermaid.

Charles was married to an unnamed woman (presumably Bens great-great-great-grandmother), Ben was dating Maddie for several months until Ryn arrived on the scene.

(Player 3 has entered the game)

As with Charles, the new presence complicates the existing relationship, to the point that Ben and Maddie break up for a short while in Episode 110 when he (under the influence of the song) consistently put his need to protect Ryn over communicating with Maddie.

3. Charles and the mermaid lived together on land.

(”Ryn choose[...] I stay on land with Ben and Maddie”)

Ryn too lives with Ben and Maddie on land, As of 209, she wants to stay on land permanently even though it might put her in danger.

4. Charles Pownall suffered from alleged mental illness due to the song.

Likewise, Ben and Maddie experience visions and exhibit poor impulse control after being exposed to it. This ranges from visions of Ryn being in danger to a unique way of telling your prospective inlaws about the nature of your relationship with their son and the “friend from Finland”.

5. Charles tried alcohol to cope with the effects of the song.

(Episode 209 “No North Star” and Episode 211 “Mixed Signals”)

Maddie and Ben start drinking alcohol whenever missing Ryn or daydrinking when under the effect of the song.

6. Charles started to act abnormally when his mermaid was gone.

Ben and Maddie also act abnormally whenever Ryn might have left them for good. Ben takes risky trips to sea at night in Episode 105 "Curse of the Starving Class" , both Maddie and Ben self-medicate with the song in Episode 209 "No North Star".

7. As with Charles the song causes brain damage in Ben and Maddie.

(“My song do this? Make Heads go dark?” - from Episode 211: “Mixed Signals” )

8. It is likely that Charles’ mermaid was the one initiating the sexual part of the relationship.

"I have a dream. About Ben.[...]Maddie says it is because I want you."

While Ben and Ryn discussed having feelings for each other before, it is Ryn who pursues him in 204 “Oil and Water”.

Ryn is the first to kiss both Maddie and Ben (mimicking human behaviour in episodes 105 and 106 with first true kisses happening in episode 204). It is Ryn who first states the wish to have sexual relations with the other two.

All subsequent sexual encounters we see depicted on the show happen with Ryn being the one initiating them.

(Episode 208)

(Episode 209)

(Episode 210)

(Episode 213)

9. According to other humans the mermaid was a woman of ill repute, even slandered as a tavern prostitute after her disappearance.

Likewise, Ryn is seen as a drug addict, murder suspect and person-who-holds-wild-orgies-at-the-cabin-with-Ben by elements of the police force. The look on Deputy Marissa Staub's face when Ryn appears besides Ben at the Cabin in Episode 203 “Natural Order” speaks volumes.

(Tfw you discover the local prince is way too intimate with the local druggie, offending conservative sensibilities everywhere. Oh the humanity.)

Marissa also likely views Ryn as a home-wrecker (considering she knows Maddie is dating Ben and is close to Dale), much the same way other humans would have viewed Charles mermaid.

10. Charles and the Mermaid had a baby

One thing missing at this point in the show is the presence of a hybrid baby but that might (and I think eventually will) change in the following seasons. There were multiple scenes in Episode 213 where both Ben and Ryn clearly exhibited signs of wanting to have children with each other and one scene in particular where they both had to force themselves not to do so within that episode.

[Sidenote: The acting in Episodes 213-216 was on point.]

Wwhether there will be a baby in the relationship due to Ryn getting her full-blood baby back (although I think it more likely that one - if it survives - will end up with the other sirens in the sea) or a hypothetical future hybrid baby she might have with Ben (something I personally thnk will be the direction the show will eventually take in the penultimate, maybe ultimate season) the massive anvil sized hints the writers dropped in 213 are too huge to ignore.

[Sidenote: Would Ben and Ryn need IVF to conceive? Probably not. As the tests showed in Episode 213 "The Outpost" there was nothing wrong with Ryn. I believe the problem with getting pregnant was firmly on the male side as infertility in apex predators (and humans) is most often a male problem and the procedure they used is typically used to fix low sperm count in male humans. More on that maybe in a later article.]

11. There is persistent symbolism associated with Charles Pownall, Ben and Ryn in Season 1

In Episode 109 “Street Fight” the most tragic event of Season 1 (Donna getting fatally wounded) happens right near the statue of Ben's Ancestor, with the camera panning over to the statue multiple times to make sure the audience gets the hint.

It also featured a storyline of Ben acting increasingly irrationally (albeit in a very mild manner compared to Charles) while trying to protect Ryn from Katrina.

Conclusion:

So there you have it. The Siren trio is just a retelling of the Charles Pownall story adapted for modern times, destined for the same tragic ending. After all, the parallels are there. Charles = Ben, his mermaid = Ryn.

(Polymarine representatives gather near the author’s house to register their difference of opinion, 2019, decolorized)

Maybe not.

Or rather, this is not the same story and the show tells us that they are not reliving the past.

B) Differences

Whereas the story of Charles Pownall was that of a tragedy and eventual separation, the story of our trio is not. In fact, what the writers are going for seems to be the kind of story that shows that people in similar situations might act in a different manner than their ancestors and thus that similar situations might have different, better outcomes.

Let us take a look at the ways the show differentiates the trio from the Pownall story and also the ways the show outright tells us that this is not the same story.

1. Ryn and Ben’s motivations are different than those of their ancestors

Unlike the mermaid which helped Charles find material wealth, Ryn's initial motive is to find her sister, then stop the overfishing, then safeguard her pack, then save her species from extinction. This of course is accompanied by the motive of Ryn to stay with Ben and Maddie, a motive which might even have taken priority if Ryn leaving her pack to stay on land permanently in Episode 209 is any indication.

The initial motive on the actions of Charles were profit (and maybe fame), which is definitely not the case with Ben who seems to not care much about material wealth as evidenced by Episode 108 where he declines a new car.

ELAINE: "Your car is disgusting." BEN: "I like my car" ELAINE: "We could buy you a new one, you know. One of those electrics....good for the environment."

Ben could easily become famous and have a huge career boost by "discovering" Ryn and publishing his findings but he does not. Instead his main motive seems to protect both humans and Sirens from harming each other - something that Ryn comes to eventually share as well.

2. The characters act as a bridge between the cultures, not as dividers

The show sometimes attaches imaginery to fit that purpose, as in Episode 203 “Oil and Water”.

(Let's just look each other in the eyes for 30 seconds while the merpack safely sleeps between us and hope that the viewers are not too distracted by the sexual tension to not notice the symbolism)

The writers further bring up the idea of characters (specifically Ryn) acting as a bridge between the cultures in Epsiode 206.

RYN: “Shapeshifter like me” DALE: Yes. And in those stories, the ones like you often represent the idea of two worlds coming together. [...] But maybe that is your calling, to lead my kind and your kind to a peaceful existence in this new world.”

In 208 Ben reveals his hope that eventually the two species can live together (again) in harmony (something that Ryn, Maddie and Ben already practice on a smaller scale).

3. When facing a choice between their respective societies/families and their relationship the trio consistently chooses the relationship

After becoming Alpha in Episode 109 "Street fight" Ryn still choses to leave her pack behind to stay on land.

In 207 Ryn decides to volunteer as a military test subject in order to get Ben out of jail.

This was a very risky choice - she had no reason to trust the military, no reason to believe they would ever let her go and she also risked her entire pack's welfare by placing herself in the hands of the military. Yet she still did it for Ben.

In episode 208 Ryn leaves her pack to spend the night with Ben and Maddie and in episode 209 she reveals she permanently wants to stay with them no matter the costs or risks attached, even though it might expose her to capture by the military and thus risk her colony. The vehemence with which she defends her choice is telling.

RYN:"Ryn hurt inside. Need Ben and Maddie" BEN: "We need you too. There is a woman looking for you". MADDIE: "She's with the military. RYN: "Yes. I help her." BEN: "Why?" RYN: "She get Ben out of cage." MADDIE: "You agreed to work with her to get Ben out of jail?" RYN: "Yes." BEN: You shouldn't have done that" RYN: "Ben is love" BEN: "Look you shouldn't have put yourself in danger for me." MADDIE: "We think it's better for you to go back to the water. Just for a while."

At this suggestion, Ryn gets visibly angry.

RYN: "Ryn choose...Military was bad to sister, but good to Ryn." MADDIE: "For now. But we don't know what they want to do to you." RYN: "I stay with Ben and Maddie."

Ben likewise rejects his family business and refuses to follow in the footsteps of his ancestors. When presented with a "dark" vision of himself in Episode 214 he rejects it with horror. He consistently lies to his family to keep Ryn safe and to help her. Most importantly at the end of Episode 215 “Sacrifice” he puts Ryn’s safety above the health of his own mother, who might very well die because of this choice.

Kyle, slimeball extraordinaire and commander of the military facility had previously told Ben that his mother would need another injection of Ryn's stem cells soon in order to continue healing, leading to the following conversation:

MADDIE: “As soon as he finds out what we did, that'll be the end of our relationship with him.” BEN: “Yeah. This is what matters right now. For Ryn and her species. All the rest we'll just have to figure out.”

Maddie likewise choses to protect Ryn and breaks a solemn vow to her father to do so in Episode 107 “Dead in the water” . While maybe not on the same level of the above-mentioned sacrifices made by Ryn and Ben there is not a single reason to doubt that she too would choose her two mates over anybody else.

4. The human families of the trio are not openly hostile to them being together with Ryn

Charles Pownall's family was hostile to the mermaid with the Hawkins being permanently ostracized by the Pownells.

The human families reaction to the relationship between Ben, Ryn and Maddie are different from that. Maddie's mother, Susan, is concerned - but not about the nature of the relationship, instead she is concerned about Maddie getting hurt. We do not know what Dale thinks about the relationship or if he even knows about it though I find it hard to believe Maddie would keep it from him. Thus I would argue he at least tolerates it).

Ben's father seems completely unfazed by his son being in a polyamorous relationship. If anything he seems more amused by the display Maddie made when she announced that she, Ryn and Ben were in such a relationship instead of the fact itself.

HELEN: "That was quite the show" TED *laughs* : "That's one way to put it. I just hope those three figure it out, whatever it is."

Elaine was shocked but that might have been more due to the nature of the announcement - she certainly did not have any problems with Ryn kissing Ben in Episode 209 despite knowing that Ben was with Maddie.

There are a few caveats to the above. Nobody except Dale knows Ryn’s true nature. Ted's reaction might very well be different and even hostile in the future considering he is on the verge of finding out about Ryn. Of course the Sirens having something to do with the boat accident that crippled Elaine or that Elaine might suffer more in the future due to Ryn having to withhold stem cells from her might also cause Ted and Elaine to react negatively in the future.

5. (Human) society has evolved a bit since the 19th century

Humans in the 19th century would not have reacted kindly to an unmarried woman (the siren) spending time with a married man (Charles) , even if they did not know her true origin,

[Sidenote: If you want to have a “fun” time read up what people did in the 19th and early 20th centuries to sabotage relationships that were considered abnormal. In the infamous example of Virginia Woolf this even involved a plane chase across two countries.]

When the trio's human friend Xander learns about the relationship, his reaction is one of surprise and shock. (You can watch the scene here). However a discussion between him and Maddie in Episode 212 confirms that this is not due to a rejection of the nature of the relationship but more about Xander's worry that the Siren song is controlling Maddie. After being told this is not the case, he drops that objection and while he certainly does not like the relationship he is not taking active steps to sabotage it unlike 19th century people might have

In fact it seems as if nobody in Bristol Cove much cares about the relationship the three have. There must by now be a considerable amount of people seeing the trio interact in public like this:

(Yes officer, this scene right here)

And multiple people in the anchor saw Ryn and Ben dancing together in 204 in a manner that was way too intimate to just be friends.

(Taking bets on the number of gaskets Deputy Marissa will blow when she hears about this happening.)

Especially in a small town like Bristol Cove where everybody knows each other the gossip mill must already run wild about the trio. However nobody seems to mind.

This of course is a major difference of today's society to the 19th century society of Charles and his mermaid. Today's society cares much less about things like adhering to strict heterosexual norms and two-person relationships. Unlike in the 19th century where even marrying below your station would be considered a betrayal and seriously threaten your standing in society, the acceptance of sexuality and relationships as fluid concepts is at an all-time high.

There is only one person who openly is hostile against Ryn spending time with Ben and Maddie in the show and that is Deputy Marissa. However Marissa also believes that Ryn is a drug addict, possible dealer, possible murder suspect and person-who-holds-wild-drug-orgies-at-the-cabin-with-Ben. No wonder she is hostile to Ryn given that it is her duty to protect Bristol Cove from bad influences - which her inaccurate version of Ryn definitely is.

If anything it seems that the Siren society is less accepting of the relationship than humans are (at least Cami and Katrina are appalled by it). But as long as Ryn is Alpha then what are they going to do about it without risking an immediate beatdown by an enraged Ryn?

[Sidenote: At this time I feel it is my solemn duty to link you this great video of humans reacting to the trio, edited by Koortega.]

6. The reactions to the Siren Song might be different from those of Charles

This is more speculative than the other parts of this post because we do not know the specific reactions of Charles Pownall to the song. Yet so far - and speaking strictly about the effect of the song on the relationship - whenever the song is used it does not have negative effects with regards to threatening the relationship.

Ben's visions are not about domineering or being possessive about Ryn, but ultimately about protecting her (Episode 110 “Aftermath” and to a lesser extent Episode 203 “Natural Selection”), realizing he might hurt her through his behaviour and reaffirming how much he loves her (Episode 214 “The last mermaid”).

Likewise Maddie, despite being exposed to the more harmful defensive variant of the song only wants to tell the world about how much she loves Ryn and Ben.

[Sidenote: There is also the unlikely possibility that the relationship between Charles and his mermaid was solely based on the song, which in any case is not true for our trio.]

A cure for the brain damage due to the song also exists and the experience of obtaining that cure together brings the throuple closer together.

(From Episode 212: “Serenity”)

So there you have it. There are enough differences between the trio and Charles Pownall and his mermaid to not have them go down the same dark path. But in this case the show goes even further.

C) The events of the last episodes of Season 2

The writers themselves tell us in no uncertain terms in the last four episodes of Season 2 that this is not the same story because Ben and Ryn are not their respective ancestors.

In Episode 213 and 214 as the Pownall massacre as well as Ryn’s mating drive and her unilateral actions based on that drive put the relationship to its hardest test.

It is important to note that the writers used multiple contrivances to arrive at this point. For the biggest example, Ryn seems to have suddenly developed complete memory loss with regards to her knowledge about Ben being a Pownall. Which is more than a bit contrived considering Ben and Maddie discuss his father owning Pownall’s two meters away from her while she is clearly listening in Episode 106 “Showdown”.

This was not something Ryn overheard considering later in the same episode:

DONNA: I see his face. In that place take our food. RYN: That was not him. That was his father. Writers of Episode 213: FAKE NEWS.

Oh and if there was any doubt left there is also that time Bens father was called Mr. Pownall in front of Ryn in Episode 108.

(WRITERS: “You saw nothing.”)

In Episode 110 Helen explicitly names the father of the hybrid baby as “Charles Pownall” and also confirms that Ben and her are related through Charles. This is done while Ryn is listening and participating in that conversation (I have transcribed the whole conversation in my previous post about the massacre)

Ryn also seems to have paid no attention at all to her surroundings while living with Ben and Maddie for months (c’mon, does that sound anything like the hyperobservant, inquisitive and highly intelligent mermaid we know?). Anybody who walks around a modern human name would shortly know the name of the homeowner. Given all these factors, her not knowing before Episode 213 makes no sense at all.

So why the contrivance?

Of course one possibility is that the writers were too incompetent to remember what they wrote a year ago. But I do not believe this to be the case, especially with how few contradictions there are in the show otherwise and the great attention to detail the writers usually have. Maybe they wanted to score cheap drama? But there already was enough drama with Ryn trying to save her species from extinction (plus the effect this had on Ben and Maddie) and it seems odd to go to such great lengths just for that. Therefore I would argue that the Pownell revelation was (at least partly) included here to make a specific point.

What point would that be? Let us recap what happens in those episodes, especially 214.

After “suddenly discovering” (excuse me while I go grind my teeth in the corner) in Episode 213 that Ben’s last name is Pownell Ryn gets very upset and concerned, culminating in the following exchange in Episode 214:

BEN: "Charles." RYN: "He loved one like me and his love turned bad. It makes him angry. He killed my people. And it starts with love. Like *crying* Like Ben love Ryn."

Ryn is clearly concerned about a repeat of the original Pownall story. And in this episode Ryn (and the audience) is explicitly told by Maddie that Ben is not his ancestor - just as Ryn is not hers either.

MADDIE: "You know my mother, Susan?" RYN: "Yes" MADDIE: "Remember I told you how she was? The pain she caused me?" RYN: "Yes. She was weak and sad." Maddie: "Am I like her?" RYN: "No. You are strong." MADDIE: "Just because your family thinks or acts a certain way doesn't mean you have to repeat that. Ben's ashamed of what his family did. And many in your colony don't trust humans. They want to fight them. But you came on land, you trusted us, fell in love with us." RYN: "Love can be good or bad." MADDIE: "Yeah. But I trust Ben. I trust you. I trust that our love is good."

(Take ALL the Applause Maddie, you earned it.)

Ryn accepts Maddie's argument. The speed at which she does so as well as her obvious concern for Ben when he disappears during the episode seems to indicate that she was more conflicted about her own feelings than anything else - like Ben himself in that episode one might say. When Ben finally reappears, Ryn is visibly relieved at the sight of him and the following exchange happens:

RYN: "You are okay?" BEN: "No. Not okay." RYN: "Angry with me?" BEN: "Confused. About myself." RYN: "Ben. I know you would not hurt me. I know you are different from your family. Those who kill. BEN: "I want to believe that." RYN: "I believe. Our love is good." BEN: "You trust me?" RYN: "I don't want you to feel any more pain."

The relationship between her and Ben survives the stress test and trust seems to be fully restored through Ben’s following actions in Episode 215 (some of which have already been mentioned before).

The relationship seems to have been fully repaired by the end of 215 but if there was any lingering distrust I think Episode 216 would have dispelled that as Ryn is clearly willing to move forward with the relationsip at the end of Episode 216. Letting Ian drown might have been taken by Ryn as a display of trust, especially as she knows that it took a toll on Ben.

This of course is a parallel to another Season 1 episode. In Episode 106 “Showdown” Ben steps in to prevent Ryn from killing another antagonist that was a threat to her (Aldon Decker). Her reaction to Ben refusing to let a human die to keep her safe is one of anger and feeling betrayed.

RYN: "Why you help the bad man?” [Ben refuses to let Ryn kill Decker by placing himself between them] RYN: You choose him. You should choose me."

In Episode 216, Ben does so. He clearly chooses Ryn and her safety over the life of a fellow human.

Even without that choice it was in my opinion already clear from the looks they share at the end of Episode 215 that they will move forward with each other.

(Protip to a happy life: find yourself a relationship where the persons involved in said relationship can still look at each other like that even after they just finished putting each other through hell for several days).

Due to all the factors involved in Episodes 213-216 (Ryn unilaterally deciding for much of the storyline and expecting the others to go along without giving them a say, the whole fertility crisis amongst the Sirens and of course the Pownall “revelation”) this probably was the worst stress the relationship could ever be under at that point.

I therefore posit that if the relationship between Ben and Ryn would be “Charles Pownell 2.0″, this would have been a fracture point instead of a successful stress test.

And the relationship between Ben and Ryn surviving is of course in no small part due to the largest stabilizing element in the relationship, the one element that was missing from the story of Charles and his Siren.

D) The third element

Imagine how different the story of Charles and his mermaid might have happened had they lived with the Haida - people who knew how to deal with human-siren relationships, how to help hybrids and who were most likely used to that kind of relationship happening.

The present-day relationship the show is depicting has such a large stabilizing element to it. I am talking of course about the one person I have so far criminally neglected in favour of focusing on Ben and Ryn (because they are the parallels to charles and their mermaid and also because this allowed me to give this post a better structure).

Maddie might not be Haida biologically, but she is a Haida in the cultural sense of the word. She was raised by a Haida man and one of the first stories she tells Ryn to calm her down in Episode 102 “The Lure” is a Haida story. Now of course Maddie is not the solution to all the problems the trio faces. She does not have any Haida knowledge on how to deal with hybrids or Sirens.

However, she is by far the largest stabilizing element in the relationship as evidenced by episode 214 and the episodes before. Whenever Ryn and Ben are acting out of character or have communication issues (either between them, others or with Maddie), Maddie appears as the mediator that manages to get through to the other two and makes them see reason. Even when she initially fails (as with Ben in 110 and with her first discussion with Ryn in 214) she still manages to have enough of an impact on them to get them to reconsider their actions, change their behaviour and attempt to fix the situation.

Her second long dialogue between her and Ryn Episode 214 (which is quoted in the segment C of this post) is the best example of Maddie’s exceptional communication skills. It probably is one of my top 5 Maddie scenes of the show and highlights just how integral Maddie is for the story of the trio. The way Maddie (without recriminations) manages to make Ryn understand that she got the wrong impression of Ben, the way she focuses the communication on the love that is the basis of the trio relationship is unbelievably on point.

Or to put it more bluntly: The story of Siren is not the story of Ben and Ryn alone. It is the story of Ben, Ryn and Maddie. It is a story about the unique love and trust that develops between the three.

And this is why I firmly believe that we are not seeing a repeat o the CharlesPownell story here. Instead, what we are seeing is how the more enlghtened and more evolved characters of Ryn and Ben and Maddie make different choices than their ancestors. In short, just because History might look similar, it does not - and will not - repeat itself in this case.

Does that mean there will be no challenges to the relationship in the future? Of course not for otherwise there would be a lot less in the show. We already see the groundwork for multiple future stress tests of the relationship being laid (Ted having footage of Ryn underwater, the Sirens attacking Ted in the water when Elaine had the boating accident, the reaction by some sirens like Cami to the relationship, Ben letting Ian drown, him and Ryn keeping this from Maddie etc.)

But there is one certainty the show tells us over and over again, even chosing it as the end screen for season 2.

They are love.

And on that note, we shall end the analysis of the parallels between our throuple and the Pownall Massacre. Thank you for reading and for sticking with this rather long post until the end. I shall endeavour to make the next post a little shorter, I promise. Alternative interpretations, additional info or critique are always welcome.

[Final sidenote: Anybody wishing for the trio to become a duo (whether it be Ben/Ryn, Maddie/Ryn or Ben/Maddie) is asking for the show to be a lot poorer in terms of character interaction, to be less inclusive and to have fewer opportunities for future storylines.

Could the story work with just Ryn and Maddie or just Ryn and Ben? Yes, the love between each of them might be strong enough to survive without the third. But such a story would not be Siren, it would be another star-crossed-lovers story that has been done countless times before.

And this is why it was immediately clear that Episode 216 was a giant fake-out as soon as Maddie was fatally wounded in it.]

#siren freeform #Pownall Massacre #polymarine #analysis #long post #i swear the next one will be shorter #Ben #Ryn #Maddie #siren #freeform siren

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elizabethrobertajones · 6 years

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14x02 watching notes

I appear to be fully booked for the whole weekend through to Tuesday so this may be the only thing I post about the episode until then, hope you all are having as much fun as Cas will at the party he’s apparently gonna throw to prove he’s cooler than all the other angels.

*readjusts my beanbag chair from Professional Sloucher to Serious Typing Mode* It's 5:13am and I've been awake 45 minutes watching this thing download and paused the new Adventure Zone episode for this... Mittens assures me it's well-recieved, so I'll go ahead and assume we burned enough sage to ward off the worst of whatever happens to their episodes...

Or, of course, Speight is directing.

So, expectations are pretty nebulous, because at this point in the story I really don't have demands, hopes or fears, except maybe that Buckleming don't handle or if they do, don't maul having Dean back. I DO miss Dean. It's very possible if he showed up in this episode everyone loves it because Dean-o is back.

I've never voluntarily called him Dean-o before. I think Gabriel's influence over the season is contagious.

Speaking of which... *hits play*

Are we getting a recap of Christian Keyes getting smushed because he, also, is alive? (er, the vessel, I mean) It would balance out Nick a great deal but it's also almost too much to ask I feel

14x01 recap: good, no sign of wirework. 14x02 recap: bad, everyone is levitating.

Also hilarious - no recap whatsoever of the past episode, because we have entered the Buckleming AU. Which is either Speight's shade or Buckleming's hubris that they don't need no canon to tell them what to do.

Nice. Creepy. Good start, sir. 10/10 would immediately go over and try and play that cursed piano despite my fear I would die instantly.

asdhdjsfkdsf the detail that Mikey took his hat off and a dramatic shot of it sitting there with the same reverent detail as the other spooky things from the rest of the intro shots

Interestingly the vampire that Mikey is bleeding is presented in much the same way as Lucifer was in 13x21, left to just stand there and dribble essence from the neck which making small choking noises. This is either stuck pig imagery, or the suggestion from unknown powers that be directing this to suggest that the entire Lucifer concept is being bled dry by wringing Nick out of it too.

This isn't going to end well.

While he's doing that, I would like to ask if that's a smidge of his own grace, or if he went and found Metatron's or something.

It also is very reminiscent of Lucifer creating demons - experimenting and playing to create the worst of the worst. Alastair and Lilith had white eyes and Lilith could do some sort of evil smite. The first demon, and the only one we've ever seen do that. Fandom long headcanoned that Lucifer used his own grace to make her, and it makes sense in a weird way that as he gets more corrupt, so do his creations - from pure white-eyed demons to murky yellow eyes to red and pitch black. Also: get more stupid. Azazel is the best and smartest, and each YED we met, if we assume they're in age order... Asmodeus is so dumb as a pile of rocks that you have to assume Lucifer realised that whatever he did to perfect the recipe in Azazel was tapering off and the good good stuff was over, so no more YEDs before you find out what Asmodeus's little sibling would have been like. His next known canonical attempt to make a demon isn't using his own grace, but using the Mark of Cain to corrupt, er, Cain.

Mikey is falling into this exact same nonsense from the opposite direction of his brother, AU or otherwise - humans are bad, corrupt evil things are better because they're less complicated and as an angel, humans give me a headache. Michael seems at least to have believed that there were good people - if he could just flipping find them - and that if he smote all the sinners maybe some good people would be left. It's coming at the same conclusion from opposite problems - he has earnestly sought out the best in humanity and then ended up scouring even the worst like Kip and those killers he mentioned, and finally settled on monsters, Eve's corruptions of humanity into bloodthirsty creatures motivated only by hunger. And now he's playing with them and using his own power to corrupt them further.

PS: Eve is going to be SO PISSED

That IS a very effective way to smite a vampire.

He's very clean and efficient and while he's "getting his hands dirty" in the metaphorical sense, there's a very careful remove in the actions we see on screen, of him standing watching very impartially.

He also sounds a shade more Dean-ish in that quip, and let's just go ahead and assume that the quip unlocked Dean a lil, or else that being in this vessel so long is beginning to wear on Michael - the influence goes both ways, and it's like seeing Captain Holt from B99 crack and quip, except this is the lawful evil version.

Plus, the flippy flippy and all... He's getting comfortable. I bet Michael might have been able to do SOME cool flip with a knife but trust me, you're possessing the second most blade flippy guy on this planet, second only to his husband, so that's a full perk of being in the Michael Sword and nothing else.

No one has asked Cas how he feels about AU Bobby, which is weird because he and Bobby were BFFs back in the day.

Trust me, it happened off screen. Sometimes Cas flapped up smelling like whiskey and cigarette smoke and Dean would be like dammit did you just come from poker night with Bobby and I wasn't invited?

(True behind the scenes details from season 5)

AUBobby wants a beach vacation as much as Dean does, though. Well, he wants to hunt by the sea.

Okay I never knew "veracity" could be used as a synonym for "voracity" but google assures me that people are literally just really lazy about it because I THOUGHT AUBobby meant voracity, but he SAID veracity, and I was like, why is he saying angels aren't known for telling the truth??? and then my other part of my brain that is more sensible but works slower caught up with the context... This language is stupid. I apologise to second language speakers for that line. It was said "veracity" but it means "voracity" because we are a garbage culture, as english speakers as a whole.

So yeah, angels aren't known for their partying, no offence, party!Cas.

This is now 2x between here and 13x20 that Cas has been directly accused of not partying, plus how he went to a party in 13x22 even if he stood stock still the entire time, so I have to assume that the rise of party!Cas is gaining narrative and symbolic momentum and we WILL see him kicking back by the end of the season.

"None taken, I tend to agree with you." TEND, as in, other angels are stuffy assholes who never party, but I, party!Cas, have stood with my arms by my side and a stoic expression, all through your welcome to paradise!earth party, so *I* am in fact, cool.

He misses those poker nights. Ellen and Jo taught him well.

AUBobby has a perhaps Jim Beaver-honed response to "it's Dean" when worrying about what's up with it. Or, of course, as much as he may have come to like the guy since the AU rescue, this was still a lil test of why they had to be concerned, leaving it to him as the one guy in the room who is still getting to know him, to say what is unspoken by everyone else.

Sam then prompts Cas to give us some clunky exposition on why he can't come, because Michael will sense him.

Buckleming, you literally are the ones who say Cas down in a chair and had him tattooed to ward him against angels. That was your thing. You did that. You.

It may be a sign of improvement that Cas is being left behind with specific explanations for why, but it's still hard to read Misha's expression as between Cas Is Sad He Can't Go Near Dean, which is crazy he's not putting up a fight and going anyway, and I Have To Say This Line To Explain It And They Don't Teach You How To Say Bad Exposition In Drama School.

"Yeah sorry"

This deserved at least 2 more lines of contention and scowling, or, of course, Sam proposing this to Cas on the spot, or Cas himself regretfully announcing that he had to do it to give them the best chance in a self-sacrificing way, then rationalising it with having to stay behind to babysit.

Cas just said Jack wasn't an infant. He's a year old. He's barely even a toddler yet. You really read that many parenting books and don't know that?

Okay yeah. Anyway lumping Nick and Jack together as charges to watch - a suggestion somehow that they're a joint burden? It demeans Jack to Nick's place, in the context. Cas hasn't actually had a great deal of on-screen parenting to Jack except like 2 nice moments basically bookending the entire time they've both been alive on the show in 13x06 and 14x01, and I'm going to have to chalk this up to a lil anxiety about bonding with the sulky teen Jack that it's something Cas now feels apprehension about. He's the father who's rarely home and clocked in the least time nurturing Jack directly, while Mary has a wild lead and Sam and Dean both also a good chunk of it, with Sam pulling weeks ahead of Dean, of course.

A sense of Dad Who Is Always At Work Forced To Bond With Child While Mom(s) Are Gone, to use some heteronormative tropes, feels like it's at play. The dad who is always away on business trips is forced to spend time at home over Christmas with the kid while the other parents are on a wild vacation to Florida... What fun scrappy bonding experiences do they get up to?! :D

Of all the tropes flying around, to stick to heteronormativity, Cas has always been "the father" to Jack while others around him waver between maternal roles or not. But even in the very start, he "completed" the parental "set" with Kelly.

Is that enough airquotes to be clear I support non-traditional family structures? :P

But it puts Cas also in a place of having some of these toxic masculinty types of fatherhood, of being away for work all the time and not putting in the work for the kid or being too eager to fight and sacrifice himself than to be there. Hard as he works to protect them all, his connection IS that of the guardian angel who watches over, the one sworn to protect, who most often talks about his bond to Jack under that obligation and that promise to Kelly, the sense of a duty to protect Jack, but very little in the way Sam especially fell hard on the side of "nurture" in the nature vs nurture debate and put in all the emotional labour associated with the mother in traditional parenting structures.

(This was good for Sam to do considering Dean had done it for him, and because Dean did it for him - being both mother and father - he's largely exempt and can dip in and out of how he parents Jack with impunity, given he had his moment about this in 12x22, days before Jack was born, and was therefore freed from character arcs grappling with it in the same way)

Cas is like "Nick is a MESS" same, buddy.

"He was housing, he deserves a shot at rebuilding his life" Sam is talking about himself here, which is weird because Nick was the topic of discussion a moment ago

I feel weird that Sam is admonishing Cas here, because Cas has not lain on the floor and thrown a tantrum about not going to save Dean, as ungrateful as he is being about babysitting Nick... it's making a weird conflict between Cas and Sam which is now veering into a philosophical argument about Nick, which makes me feel that if this is not just weird Buckleming dialogue issues where they find it hard not to write things as a conflict, Sam and Cas haven't had the rosy bro bonding time together while Dean is gone that it seemed, or that, like with Sam snapping at Mary about her optimism, Sam's in a Mode about this where he's on his last rag with everyone secretly because of lack of sleep. And Chief!Sam may also be struggling with being an authority figure among his own family, as every single one of them "outranks" him in age, parenthood, experience or scowliness, and Sam once described himself as "the least of all of you" meaning Bobby and Cas specifically of the people who in this room he'll find himself naturally deferring to. Sam's leadership is natural among the AU peeps but perhaps a struggle that with his family, he's still the leader, but there's no Dean to have the final word, and that in itself is an awful reminder, when he finds himself being the last word on a subject without Dean's input.

I have to assume this is like 5am and AUBobby showed up early to work to see Mary and the rest of the AU peeps aren't around yet

Cas then throws in the line about how all he can see is the supreme agent of evil, which is fuckin hilarious that it was Sam's trauma yesterday and we know angels are much more likely to relate to the glowy blob possessing a face, and anyway most of Cas's worst Lucifer trauma came from being POSSESSED by him, seeing him wearing Sam's face, or being beat up by Vince fucking Vincente. You only really ever saw Lucifer as Nick in 12x23 and the last few episodes of season 13, bar like one encounter back in 5x10. That is a very very recent association.

Unless, of course, he's still MIGHTILY PISSED that Lucifer killed off 2/3rds of his poker game and that's where his "supreme evil" trauma comes from.

Let's go with that.

Do you think Eugenie forgot that Lucifer was an hallucination in season 7, and also that Cas was dead during that?

(don't @ me about him seeing hallucifer in 7x17, he said in 7x21 that he stopped seeing hallucifer pretty quickly and I'm going with Edlund canon when in doubt :P)

"You talking about my dad again"

Jack. Hon. You have absolutely no relation whatsoever to Nick, except via whatever family line ties him extremely vaguely to Sam as a similar vessel of Lucifer. I don't even know how to describe where that puts him on your fucked up family tree, but trust me, you don't need to worry. Biologically, you are the son of an ex-president of the united states.

But yeah, snarky!teen Jack is here in full force. I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with the baby's angsty melodrama years :'D

Do you think

and I ask this hypothetically while full of dread that I am right

do you think Eugenie has forgotten that Jack is not Nick's biological son

Jack getting the good good framing of standing with his back to the war room, trapped in the library, as he's grounded. This central framing demands the eye to seek out wings, but in this case they're kinda furled behind him, if you see them as the dark shadows of the room beyond.

Of course the war room/library symbolism is always a thing, that action is the former, home the the latter, so this is clever to show Jack's desire, but also that he is stuck, and we see the bar patterned lights on the floor in the war room which are used as prison imagery. Jack's effectively locked out of the war room with a baby gate.

"Let's move," Sam says, with a virile pump of his gun, leaving Cas and Jack to feel impotent at home.

Sam does not get the dick imagery often enough

Blargh Nick again. Hello fuckface. Listen, I just wanna say before we get into this scene, that I've almost universally seen Mark P eyerolled at but said "at least he's a really good actor so the scenes were really good even if he sucks as a person and we hate Lucifer". I do not agree. I think he's a ham who over-acts and it was annoying as Lucifer but by this point expected and had at least transitioned slowly, but seeing Nick do the whole routine of standing up from bed, and then blowing on his stab wound and wincing and fanning it? That whole thing was just... too much for me. Nick should have been still and quiet and sad, but as soon as he started doing that it harked back to Lucifer in 13x13 when he was cold and hungry and over-acting rubbing his poor empty tum tum and rubbing his freezing arms. What made Mark P so good in season 5 was that Lucifer had a slow, cold and STILL menace to him, that while he might have gestured widely and been violent, especially in his dramatic scenes he was still and menacing. That's all gone by now and he acted Lucifer as a clown, and fair enough as an acting choice I guess when this isn't my favourite character or actor, but now it's salt in the wound that Nick was supposed to come across sad and vulnerable, and instead of bestowing some gravitas on him and taking us back to the start and actually TRYING, Mark P fell into clowning as if he thinks doing these funny things is what his fans who are apparently out there want to see, and my stretched to breaking point lie I repeated to myself about "oh he's a good actor at least" shattered because he was just playing the fool again, over-acting as if to gain cheap sympathy points, when his stillness and sadness and NOT overacting was literally the only way to have pulled Nick off without it being annoying.

This is a cake and eat it, well Lucifer is dead but I'm still here, and now I will act almost exactly the same, kind of dealio and I'm pissed and not standing by that self-comforting lie any more because every single step of the Lucifer journey so far since 11 we've placated ourselves with various phrases and concepts to make it okay to do all this but keeping Nick around is where the story breaks and so too does my patience for forgiving it.

*Cas employs his Anti Nick Shoulders* I deeply approve of these shoulders

Could they not give Nick, like, a sudoku book or something? He is just sitting here wallowing in having been Lucifer.

Omg Cas is getting to use this to actually talk about himself. I'm actually liking this. Cas self-reflection is a wonderful thing. Everyone can relate to Nick, even if they hate it. Every single person will file in here and talk about themselves to Nick at some point or another.

Nick's like "why am I heeere" and Mr Giant Teddy Bear is like "I know right?"

Wait is Nick's son called Teddy? That was unfortunate mind-melding with BL I just did. *shiver*

Also hilarious: a chosen flashback to Nick holding a teddybear beside the crib and I swear to all that is holy that Speight is deliberately implying after reading the line "Teddy" that Nick said yes to Lucifer on behalf of his wife Sarah and this bear.

I can SEE his face making a note here about what flashback to cut to.

His sparkling eyes are reflecting off this screen so much I'm getting glare from it.

*Mark P cries a lot* There are a few little leaps in this conversation to get to the point too quickly but overall this wasn't a bad scene... Perhaps because Cas carried it enough with his sinscerity that Nick wailing was at least balanced and the directing matched the intensity of it all. Speight really is good at making things work and this was pretty brutal which means that the overacting is compensated for, and Cas inserted enough genuine emotion from an empathetic character.

It's all hovering unspoken about family where Nick does it for his wife, even if he regrets it now and feels like he has become a monster and is wracked with a guilt Cas can heavily relate to as it drove his season 12 early actions intensely, and his child. Cas also did it for family, and they give this definition of family where it could be anyone beloved in the family, so that platonic overlap is there between Cas and Nick's motivations. But implicit is that Nick's wife was the one that made him say yes, and Cas stands over Nick in much the way that Lucifer stood over him in 5x01 when appearing as Sarah. Cas is/was the wife in the scenario in a weird way to Dean, for whom he chose to be possessed to save from Amara, aka the monster that had come into the house and would kill his beloved ones in their beds.

Promo scene! Aw AUBobby and his rusty FBI skills.

The coroner talking about a spree killer harks to Dean's issues balancing being a serial killer with a saviour, as I talked about pre-episode with the themes connected to Dean being possessed by Michael, and channelling all the worst of him. In this case, the torture AND the wantonly killing vampires

God damn Mary's red suit is awesome though.

"neck wounds" I thought Mikey healed those? I guess I can see residual scarring on this body so maybe healing vampires isn't as neat as healing people, because corruption...

"Why is an archangel hunting vampires in the first place" HAVE YOU MET DEAN? This is how he blows off steam when he gets a HANGNAIL. You think being possessed by Mikey will stop him?

"Huh" Sam says. "huh," I say, because they actually did some Smart Detective Work to come to that conclusion and perhaps this is just because BL needed the next lead but we've never actually seen them ask this specific question about people coming to identify mystery bodies to find the next lead ever. And perhaps because even if it happens off screen it's a dead end in all their other cases, but this was still something BL wrote that put a clever concept in Sam's head, and I am at the bottom of the barrel with them when I'm complimenting them for not making the characters act like complete idiots.

The other thing is, this cuts out an entire scene of them in a motel opening a laptop and googling surveillance footage, and I don't know if they have been banned from writing the everyone sits around and googles the monster scenes, at least since they made Crowley pop in and google a photo of the president in 12x08, and then Dabb openly mocked them for it in 12x23, but it's a pacing GODSEND to have the characters act intelligent and ask questions that solve problems instead of relying on the magical answer box to tell them where to go next.

See again: low low low expectations. Whether it's Speight clean up work or they've been told off, this is great stuff, and files off a lot of the edges that make their episodes wearing on a cosmic, soul level, that between the weird content, they're also just clunky and poorly paced.

Cas n Jack sceeeene.

It's Jack's desk! I'm so happy!!

I asked hypothetically the other day on a promo pic and I'm so happy to see Jack has his own lil desk in the library. He looks like a kid doing his homework

my heart is swelling

with all the table meta - it's another thing where they've changed stuff around to give Jack a space, a place he calls his own in this large weird Bunker. That table had to be dragged from one of the side offices or store rooms and set up for him because it's never b een there before, but now Jack has an alcove of the library he calls his own and he can sit there and do his research... And the alcoves give a sense of an enclosed room space, something comforting and like... library womb like.

The Bunker has adopted him :')

It's so weird seeing a character in this show who habitually doesn't wear a ton of layers around the Bunker - he's been in a t-shirt with nothing over it in both episodes, grey. He's young, open, honest, but hasn't found his way yet, hasn't got a tribal colour scheme. No plaid, and has only worn beige and blue in neutral Cas colours, his main father figure in a sort of aspirational sense, even if Cas is the dad who's always out on work and not there to raise his son.

Jack's identified as human in 13x23 but in a way he is a homunculous - the concept of what was originally believed to be how babies formed in a sort of medieval/rennaisance time (perhaps still is by BL) that the sperm was a tiny weeny complete person and they just got put in the womb with no other input from mommy and grew there. There's definitely a weird shade of homunculous implications in how Jack's parenthood is talked of, and of course he was then born as a fully formed man, which is a sort of transliteration of this nonsense belief, but the concept that he practically was a small adult Jack and then a big adult Jack and at no point an actual baby. Even in the womb in 12x17 we saw him turn and stare at the camera, betraying a sort of primal intelligence, the idea of a bored god waiting in the womb to be born, learning and acting from within.

And only now is he sort of set up to stop being a baby and start being a man when it comes to handling adult intellectual stuff and he's not learning from scratch but is treated like he has a more solid baseline for the world around him these days. He's learned enough to join society, but not enough to have carved his place yet. It's a very strange cusp of growth, and perhaps a good metaphor for being a teenager, in a way: that you realise you have been very stupid up to this point but now you are very smart and ready to be an adult (except, unfortunately, adult peoples will look back at this unformed humonculous version of themselves with the greasy hair and poorly understood radical political opinions and whatever, and be like, WOW, I was an idiot.)

Oh my god are BL really going to keep writing Good Cas Lines this episode? This stuff where Cas schools Jack gently and lovingly with knowledge Jack has been up all night reading then Cas is like yeah this is stuff angels know from angel sunday school but I'll be kind about it and validate what you just read... Like, the lesson is the act of the research, more than the knowledge. It's up to Jack not to feel stupid that he did all that work and Cas was like, yeah. I knew that. I'm an angel.

OH MY GOD Cas is actually having the chat I wanted with Jack about how he felt when he lost his grace

*shoves a fistful of popcorn in my mouth*

Jack all hurr blurr you don't understand I want to go run to my room and slam the door because I'm a teen and I have just discovered human tragedy and angst, NO ONE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER HAS SUFFERED AS I HAVE

and Cas is like, *ruffles his hair* it's okay little buddy, I too was a homunculous in season 9, which Lizzy has a weird deja vu feeling she wrote about but would not for the life of her know where to find that because it was probably buried in watching notes

"what did you have left?" "well I had Sam and Dean... but I had something else"

me: *clutches chest, gasps, hangs on tenterhooks*

Cas: "I had myself"

me: FLAILS WILDLY

Sorry, this isn't very meta, I've just written so much on the nature of grace and of Cas, and whether he has a soul or not still, but he is very much talking about the time when as a human he had a soul and was "himself" without his grace, and though he felt the loss of his POWER he didn't feel a loss of his CORE SELF, of who he is (which is an ongoing question they're all answering about themselves, with Jack Homunculous Winchester as the main example to channel the others through). It's really important to me that Cas has this core self, this certainty of who he is beyond his duty, his grace, everything that is forced on him by Heaven, but that this part of him who he may or may not know is his soul is there and filled with, well... Cas's nougat centre. Because Cas has been playing THAT game far longer than Jack has :P

"The basic me. As Dean would say, without all the bells and whistles"

Dean is reaching through Cas to mock him for us when we don't have him in the room to directly accuse Cas of having a harp, and I love that Cas loves Dean so much that he lets Dean drag him for having bells and whistles (which Cas will take literally) even though he's not here.

That's true love.

They share what is possibly the grossest smile ever and I am going to weep to see all this fondness for each other and for Dean being expressed. Like, ugh, families loving each other and being all wholesome and sweet. What is this garbage.

"You know, Sam and Dean... they weren't born with their expertise" yeah because they're not fuckin homunculi

Cas is basically equating Jack to going back to the start that they had, a do-over on his life, that he lived his first year as a magical all-powerful baby, but in a weird way, losing his grace makes him more settled, gives him a chance to understand himself without his power and learn that he still has a core self, a soul with all the good stuff in it, and to begin again and learn things the slow way, but a way in which he will grow more naturally and take the lessons that are needed to form the real edges to a character that turn into maturity.

"They've been at it since they were children"

and so have you. filed under: ow.

Literally no one on TFW had a normal safe happy childhood free of monsters metaphorical or otherwise.

Anyway Cas then reminds Jack that he has to do things slow to be as good as Sam n Dean, and moves on to it's important not who you were in your past - because this fuckin one and a bit year old already has a gritty past - but who you are and what you will do with the FUTURE. And Cas still wholeheartedly believes in Jack because of Jack once showing him a vision of the future that they might have - the happy ending, world without monsters, all that jazz that Dabb era is eyeing up hopefully.

Oooh Mikey's going to a partyyy.

That fuckin ring on his little finger. It's coded especially in media that he's either in a cult or gay. It's such a weird lil detail for Mikey to have added to the ensemble that I almost wonder if he smited a guy to borrow it wholecloth and took every detail. Though he's a fucking fashionista so maybe he can't resist adding a detail like this.

After all he wore dirty war-torn clothes for years in the AU, but even then had a sense of grandeur about it, an over-dramatic flair with the long coat that said that he dressed well, even for the scenario, and different, standing out from the rest of his minions.

Now he's here on paradise!earth, with all the tailors you could ask for, so he's going to dress like the lord of this planet it's begging for, in all the finery you can drape his fine sword in.

Sword does not approve of bowtie.

DEAAAN! HEY! I'VE MISSED YOU ILY

"GET OUT"

"I don't think so"

WOW, RUDE. There's rules about this, buddy!

"You can't!"

"oh but I can, because, see, I own you." It IS Michael who punches the mirror... I was certain it would be Dean, but it's Michael lashing out at his angry reflection, shattering the image of Dean. What a metaphor. In the Mark of Cain arc sometimes Dean looked at himself in shattered mirrors but it was a passive shattering. This is a statement from Michael that he can see Dean and he's shattering his entire self, refusing his right of consent - in a BL episode it's ironically hilarious so long as nothing else dub con happens, that this is the actually seriously applied good use of consent stuff. And Michael talking about owning Dean - it's that presumptiveness about others' consent that was Dean's biggest downfall in putting Gadreel in Sam, the cosmic karma lashing back out at Dean that he can't punt Michael out like Sam heroically punted Gadreel out, because Michael OWNS him. Dean is historically, cosmically, always for eons before his birth, been "the Michael Sword" - a true vessel with this guy's name inscribed on the hilt, and Michael has calmly taken full possession of his ultimate weapon, because well, why not.

UGH and then Michael takes control again by way of talking into the mirror and his reflection behaving normally because he's wrangled it back into control. A+ DIRECTION, SIR.

(Also because it's not Dean - maybe it's not so much a meta detail but the expectation might be that Dean would lash out at Michael BECAUSE he's angry and lashes out and smashes mirrors so many times, but he has no control to even move an arm to lash out... He's utterly trapped, just like Cas was tied to that chair.)

I love seeing Cas storming confidently around the Bunker running stuff while the others are out, being the one who is looking over Jack, taking the calls about their findings, and now dealing with Nick wandering in to angst some more. This is Cas at home and although it's still weird the AU peeps are ALL taking a day off coming into work after seeing how embedded they were in the hub, it's wonderful to see Cas here and without the AU peeps it is more cozy in the sense of being more like the home they privately kept.

Nick comes in like I WANT TO SOLVE MY COLD CASE THIS IS MY RANDOM DISTRACTION FROM THE PLOT

but then Cas puts his hand on his shoulder and he flicks back to Lucifer in an instant, trying to dissolve Cas in a panic from being touched. Cas is understandably completely and utterly freaked out.

And for all our talk of Rowena and Sam and their trauma from Lucifer, of course Cas has had a lot too even though I'm kinda eye-rolly about him talking about Nick as the face of all evil, of course this episode has been about his Lucifer trauma so far. It's really interesting to see Cas rattled by something because he is so solid most of the time - last episode he exuded "fuck you" from every pore for every moment except briefly when Jack was dragged into the room. But Nick has him on edge and now there's some Buckleming fuckery afoot with ongoing vessel issues, we're seeing the very strange visual of a Cas who is legit freaked out.

Anyway I really like how smooth this was, even with camera changes. Speight is really wringing excellence out of them, and the script, weirdly, and maybe because it's Nick so Eugenie is focused, is actually contemplative and full of interesting emotional conversations, which they often seem to blow off whatever the brief. Even with the dialogue hindrances, the real meaning and depth is being plumbed by the scenes as a whole.

So yeah, here is where I have to grudgingly say MarkP can play evil kinda well but also considering, again, FOUNDER OF THE AMERICAN CAPITALIST PARTY? This is his calling, and he is a caracture of the man who plays the devil.

And this is something rather scary and sinister about what's going on with him which genuinely is played with some of that season 5 gravitas, which is super weird to see because I have got so used to him being a clown, even in his previous episode.

I have to say, due to that, I give Speight a lot of credit because he's really, really good at his job.

"What went through your head just now?" I ask that a lot, and thanks for the reaction gif, Eugenie.

I need very little prompting to assume you are writing Nick and Brad is writing the rest.

Nick is a fine line of guilty and confused, and hiding his intent, either because he doesn't know, or he DOES. It's good. Credit where credit's due.

"Some of his influence still within you" it's CRUEL to give that line to misha.

Kinda meta that there's a cockles joke from an old JIB or something about "influence" as jizz and 13x21 and all the jokes about Gabriel's grace.

But we're getting to a 9x11 parallel in the structure of the episode, but Cas is left behind with Nick rather than Sam, and Sam gets to be out there looking for his brother... And of course Dean within Michael experiences a shattering greater than the Mark of Cain did to him...

"Lucifer may have inflicted more damage on your psyche" yeah no shit we were warning you he would have the Hallucifers

Cas does the most terrified slow shoulder touch ever - there's a real right shoulder wrong shoulder thing going on. Last episode he clasped Jack on the correct (left) shoulder, and this time he tries to touch Nick on the right and nearly gets smote, and then this touch is on the same, as he discerns what's wrong with Nick, and I get a mirror of 11x11 where Lucifer did the wrong shoulder touch to Dean, and have him the only inkling something was up with Cas, that Dean shrugged off because, ow.

Anyway white man has angst. Nick has the Hallucifers and he has to find out who killed his family. He's got like his entire own TV show premise of nonsense going on here and it's going to be crammed in between everything else.

Bet you anything real monsters did it

"And then what

Dude's got nothing to live for

we're so over these murdered wife revenge arcs

The old flipperoo of it being terrifying for a monster when 3 scary hunters bust in weapons drawn. The vampire has a terrible apartment and she didn't even get a new car - it's like she went from one crappy life to the next and the only thing that changed was she was now a miserable vampire. I'm sympathetic to her for now :')

Oh look how surprising, this side of the story is being 2x03 still - aside from AUBobby snarking that vampires "never do" anything wrong, in the position of one who never learned a grey area because lower Winchester exposure, the vamps are feeding on animal blood, and mourning the loss of their nest. This is another Lenore. Of course we started the episode with them in the morgue finding vampire teeth on seemingly human victims, as in 2x03, and the killer is the deadliest hunter in the universe - the heavily Gordon themed side of Dean which has been symbolised by vampires the whole time from Lenore to Benny...

OH this is the girl from the cold open. So I assume she's going to explain how she got away. We have to assume the cold open was several days ago - long enough for her to lie low, Michael to ditch all the vamps, AND for them to be discovered again and moved to the morgue and then for this branch of TFW to come out here. Which explains that Michael must have already moved on and be ready for his party in the present day, which is a stretch of time enough to form his next plan.

"I-if you let me go!" yeah AUBobby lunges at her when he assumes the conversation is over, because he never dealt with this before, but looks over to Sam now, and then Mary does.

We cut away before we find out if Sam decided her fate, so that current silence on the subject may be left ominous or may explain a lot about Sam when we find out whether he had her killed and has turned ruthless, or is still soft Sammy who dealt with Lenore and knows how it goes.

Mikey, what are you up to?

He's tapping Dean's charm but with a hint more of Jensen's whiskey smoothness in his voice than Dean's coarseness, so this is legally defined as assault.

This is horrifying. GIVE IT BACK.

I'm calling the police. Michael has made off with Dean's entire seduction routine to trap this monster, and I am horrified.

Weirder still hearing him just casually called Michael. Brrrr.

Ooh she's a werewolf. Somehow I hadn't managed to work that out in the glimpse in the promo and thought she was a new monster type.

I guess Mikey is shopping around.

Wow she really has prominent teeth. I wonder if that's a sexy trait in werewolves.

He takes a drink as he menaces towards her - he's still got that calm drifting through kinda attitude that Michael had even in the AU when he was Christian Keyes, and he's starting to have fun, which is really really bad.

I don't think Michael has ever had fun in his life.

He's like the perfect little kid who does well in all his studies then sneaks off and drowns the family cat in the back of the garden as an outlet.

"Now. Summon your master."

Is this the elusive Werewolf Alpha who survived even season 6 because the show just Could Not Figure Out What To Do With Werewolves until season 9

Nick has an ENDLESS series of white shirts to indicate he's a sweet innocent dude now

because, you know we have a hard time dealing with that

Nick is ranting like a privileged white man

I mean his family is dead, I just struggle with Nick for obvious reasons

and as soon as his mannerisms cross a line, he loses me again

He's kinda weird with Cas as well because he knows Cas, kinda, and he has to be 100% on board with all the nonsense, so he's just A Bloke dropped in this life now but casually chatting to an angel. it's weird. "You know what a cold case is, Castiel?" liike, he knows Cas doesn't always know stuff but he is also just going off on one.

I think poor Cas has decided since the Nickifer moment that he needs to spend more time actively watching over Nick, and once more is trapped with a ranting annoying man

this is his curse.

"But you're not dead. You have a second chance."

"you don't understand"

Ah, teenagers, such a problem :P

but seriously, this is hilariously the third converastion this episode Cas has been in where he directly relates to the very specific weird metaphysical problem that Nick or Jack is going through because there's literally NOTHING that Cas hasn't already been through. He might yet make an excellent therapist just because of how many weird torments he's endured.

Cas speaking with fondness of Jimmy :') Such a feeling of Jimmy being a good man who went to Heaven, and for Cas, raised as an angel like this, being in Heaven with your soulmate is the ultimate happy ending for good devout people - in 4x20 when he's still in Claire he tells Jimmy he served well and will go to Heaven like it's a reward, and despite everything he still seems to default to that, especially for the comfort of knowing this about Jimmy of all people, because of how directly responsible Cas is for destroying their lives, and knowing that at least they got this is a WONDERFUL coping mechanism for angels to tell themselves it's all okay, when they get the correct vessel with the proper permissions and they're a good and pious person who prayed for it etc etc.

Cas and Lucifer remain the only angels we've ever seen actually court their vessel properly, although it's implied Anael did similar. Most others have hopped right in without securing full and informed consent. Er, not that Lucifer does, but at least he has full and informed bullshit trickery, which, um. Is a thing?

Nick how DARE you call Cas a "stone cold bodysnatcher" who's no better than Lucifer. Jimmy is gone and Cas has had this vessel remade for him like six times since then. It's the Jimmy Model Vessel mk.VI, as sculpted by God or the Empty.

*sobs about Cas saying what happened to Jimmy was his greatest regret*

SUCH GOOD CAS STUFF this episode

The alpha werewolf is a white guy in a suit, surprisingly.

Michael, also a white guy in a suit, sits opposite him, and they're pretentious about their cognac.

"She thinks you're a god" that's the second time that's happened. He kinda liked it when it was applied directly to him but not an accusation of BEING Chuck, just that that's how he comes across.

Oh good he's just the leader of the pack, not the Alpha.

Still wanna know who that is

His sales pitch is about their purity in wanting to kill to eat to live once again. I find it hard to believe a werewolf with snooty opinions about alcohol who wears a suit like that doesn't have some human sins, but it seems that Michael is judging them by their monstrousness first, and waving aside their other habits in favour of the big picture of how they live their lives.

"Fully tested" you fucking liar

He's talking around the truth... It's fascinating watching him threading the line of judging people for sinners without falling into that himself.

I do wonder how he knows about wine unless his previous vessel did... or he's taking from Dean's pop culture and deadpan bullshitting it. Sorry, I'm still stuck on that detail. Character stuff always entertains me so much more than plot :P

"Believe me, it's an absurd dream" He's passively observed at least like 3 attempts to enslave the human race for food just in the last few years. He knows.

Mikey, you can't go around promising that, they know it doesn't work. Dick Roman couldn't pull it off, and you don't have his business acumen.

"Why be the huntED when you can be the huntER"

ANTI DEAN ANTI DEAN ANTI DEAN AAAAAH turning over EVERYTHING he works for

UUUUGH

Okay, Jack's wandered off and found his grandparents without a single warning and I am WOUNDED.

They seriously need to put more warning in for these things because ow ow ow ow ow

Oh my gooood he's named after Kelly's daaad

Look at these nice grandparents

"So you were like her intern" oh ne the intern jokes of last summer have come around and stabbed me

I repent

Oh NO nerdy little Kelly

this is awful

where is this episode coming from? I can't believe someone's managed to wrangle Buckleming into doing good stuff with everything so this is actually emotionally well-told

this is probably their best episode yet and i'm half an hour in

"We have a grandson!"

This is emotionally mauling me like an angry bear

"Jack kind of looks like her!"

*Jack attempts to speak from a lump the size of a planet in his throat*

*Lizzy types from within the bear's mouth, as it tries to stuff my down ITS throat*

NOUGAT GOT HIS HUG

Sam spared the vampire girl!!! YAY

She's called Lydia. You assholes literally used that name before for the Amazon Dean hooked up with

I can't believe Michael took the time to change his suit. He has a suit for business and a suit for meetings.

"the hunters" Oh that's cold. Dean, can you hear how he dismisses your FAMILY?

Oh nooo he metatroned her. This was a traaaaaaap and she was bait

Aww Lydia :(

He smites like Lucifer killed demons with his mind

it's so scary

How can Cas be mad at Jack I just nearly cried at a Buckleming episode

anyway he and Jack are having the equivalent I am your dad and I set curfew, vs I am a grown up I can go out when I want argument for his teen son he's unfortunately not engaged with much.

"the only real family I have left"

Cas gets SO PISSED

I AM YOUR DAD, SON

But he pushes it down and asks if it helped because Cas is good and nice and loves Jack

Once Jack reveals that he looked like the weirdly photoshopped Kelly on a horse (oof) Cas gets mauled by the same Feels Bear and relents completely because he's legally not allowed to cry but he wants to

"I suppose there are worse ways to be human than to be kind," he says as speight exploits the fuck out of the bunker set, having them sit either side of the door between war and home, tables in the centre, them on the pillars flanking it. It's a wonderful image. I'd go into it more but I suddenly think I have no time at all

"So they're going to kill him," lil Hamlet of Nougat says all firmly, re: Michael

Cas switches gears from "this precious child" to "uuuh" immediately

"And if he doesn't leave?"

I can see Cas being that meme where everything is an action blur around his face to express deep horror as Jack keeps prodding worst case murdering Dean scenarios

Listen, when this little ball of damp feathers you call your son is joining in with the entire universe challenging you if you have the guts to see Dean killed for the greater good, you have a problem that EVERYONE can see

"Dean doesn't matter!"

*shock lines intensify*

"You're all so focused on trying to save Dean"

Yeah, he does the same for all of you.

This is the pier conversation from 11x14, but 1000x more intense.

Cas is like "?????????????? HOW DARE?"

Cas can not comprehend a world where Dean dies, but our lil Shakespearean hero is determined that it has to happen because he WILL kill Michael, it's been put on his shoulders and he WILL DO IT DAMMIT.

(later)

Cas did not have this in the parenting books

"Do you think he'd want it any other way?"

"no but i love him"

I can not BELIEVE Jack got a flounce off stage left and Cas is the one left shook

damn, kids are hard

Nick has also wandered off to meet some relatives.

Cas is the worst at keeping his chickens in the coop

what was he doing

lying on Dean's bed sniffing the pillow

Oh dear, but it's the neighbour who as this conversation goes on I'm starting to assume was the one who killed his family.

Is he gonna go all Lucifer on this guy?

Uhoh, bulletproof werewolves

man I am gonna miss my bus if anything else happens

Mary saves AUBobby <3

Hi Deanchael, come to torment this poor family

You know you coulda brought Cas because he knew you were here the whole time anyway

DEAN! HI!

That was a really cool move Dean.

"Sammy"

"It's me"

Unless it's NOT

"He just left"

"why"

"i don't know. I don't know!"

me too bud

Hey look Nick killed the guy with a hammer

What a surprise

Welp now I have to take my 3rd choice for bus to yoga but I finished and now I will be gone all weekend byeee love you yell about this later <3

#14x02 #season 14 spoilers #my stuff

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the-everlasting-dream · 6 years

Text

Toska - Liam x MC [x Drake], TRR AU

Part 1 of Unfathomable

Summary: The day they turned the life support off.

A/N: I’ve been waiting to write this for the longest time (am I a sadist for wanting to torture my own characters?) We’re gonna cover the hard stuff in this series so please heed the trigger warnings and have tissues ready.

Word Count: 5000+

Warnings: Grief, description of injury, trauma (various), violence (Liz very mildly grabs a doctor), major character death. Please do not read if uncomfortable.

Permanent tags: @chantelle-x0x , @choicessa, @meeraaverywalker , @drakewalkerwhipped , @quartzandarrow , @mfackenthal , @srawesleyghuewrites , @topsyturvy-dream , @enmchoices , @gardeningourmet @debramcg1106 , @alesana45 , @meladoridarcy, @blackcatkita , @tmarie82 , @annekebbphotography , @lizk77 , @jayjay879 , @tornbetween2loves @akrenich ,

Series tags: @mrsdrakewalkerblog , @ooo-barff-ooo ,

TRR only: @speedyoperarascalparty Drake: @fairydustandsarcasm

Toska

noun /ˈtō-skə/ - Russian

Roughly translated as sadness, melancholia, lugubriousness.

"No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause.” - Vladimir Nobokov.

Liam stood in front of the mirror, adjusting his collar. Today wasn’t going to be easy.

He stared into his own blue eyes hoping the reflection he saw staring back could give him some answer to the hundreds of thoughts pressed on his mind.

It had been almost eight weeks after the terrorist attack on Homecoming Ball that had shaken Cordonia, leaving the country in near chaos after the monarchy attacked in their own home. The last two months had been devoted purely to damage control and recovery protocols initiated to stabilise the country and deal with the devastating threat on the nation’s security.

Looking back on it, Liam realised that he’d had to make more hard calls and negotiate more compromises during his short time as king than any other monarch in Cordonia’s history. There were approvals that needed to be signed, protocols that needed to be approved, documents that needed to be amended, the list was endless…

Despite this a thousand decisions still rested on his shoulders and even more were on their way but none so grave as the one he had to make today...

Liam had seen his fair share of struggles between an attack on him and his family and his own mothers assassination but never in his twenty-nine years of life did he think he’d have to make a decision about his best friend’s life.

Drake had been on life support for almost two months now after taking a bullet meant for Elizabeth Richmond during the chaos of the attack on the palace during the Homecoming Ball. He’d been receiving around the clock care from the best medical practitioner’s Cordonia had to offer but late last night to inform him that there had been a drop in Drake’s brain activity in the past day.

The doctor had requested Drake’s closest family and friends to come to the hospital to discuss further options. She’d used a pleasant tone but something in her voice told Liam to prepare for the worst. After thanking her, he'd sat in silence at his desk, head hung, reflecting on what her words what this would mean. An unfathomable sadness had welled up in him at the prospect of losing his best friend.

This was Drake. Drake Walker. His best friend and fiercest protector.

For as long as he could remember, Drake had been a permanent fixture in his life since they were boys. They’d gone through the gauntlet together many times over and Liam had always known without a doubt that he’d be able to count on Drake if he ever needed. If anyone could have survived taking a bullet it was him.

After what could have been hours - he’d lost all sense of time - he’d picked up his phone and dialled Elizabeth, knowing she’d be furious if he didn’t tell her. As the phone rang he wasn’t sure if she’d pick up at the late hour but she answered on the fourth ring.

‘Liam?’

He could hear the worry in her sleepy voice, he knew she knew he wouldn’t have called if it was urgent. Perhaps it was selfish of him to want to get it over and done with as he swiftly relayed the doctor’s message in as few words as possible. On the other end of the phone Liam had felt her silence growing heavier and heavier, he could practically see the tension wracking her frame as she listened.

He’s been about to ask if she was okay but stopped himself, her silence told him more than words ever could. He wanted to say something, anything, but his tongue felt like lead in his mouth.

What would he have said anyway?

She’d just been given the news that the man she loved might be on the brink of death. So they sat there until the silence got too much to bear and eventually Liam had heard her swallow hard and thank him stiffly, informing him in a voice laden with emotion that she’d meet him at the hospital tomorrow morning.

Now Liam stared into the mirror again, nervously adjusting his cuffs, unable to stop his mind from returning to her again. His feelings towards Elizabeth were… complicated at best. He cursed himself for the hundredth time, for being too blind, too stupidly in love to see that she was falling for his best friend.

Was it even love? he wondered. Was it love when he only got to see the side of her she presented to the outside world?

She’d revealed a little of herself in the little moments they’d stolen in between but between royal obligations, her scandal and his engagement to Madeleine, these moments had been few and far between.

On the other hand, Drake hadn’t been been bound by any of these and maybe that’s what had made all the difference. A difference Liam hadn’t realised until he was down on one knee, ready to offer Elizabeth the world, only for her to crush his hopes by admitting what he’d been too blind to see.

That, however, had not made him stop loving her. He loved her, god he loved her so much, almost as much as it hurt that she’d never love him same way.

That hadn’t meant it wouldn’t hurt. It hurt like a bitch to see the truth finally out in the open. But he swallowed. He swallowed his feelings and put on a brave face and told her he was happy for her, even though they both knew it was a goddamn lie. He had to be happy for her, for them.

This was Drake. Drake Walker. His best friend and fiercest protector.

How could he feel anything other than happiness for the two people he loved most in the world?

A sharp knock interrupted his thoughts and Liam took a moment to compose himself as best he could before instructing whoever it was to enter. His eyebrows rose when the door opened to reveal Constantine.

‘Father.’ The word was meant to be a greeting but it came out more like a question.

‘Son,’ Constantine began, taking a seat on the chair in behind him. ‘I was hoping to catch you before you went to the hospital.’

Liam eyed him carefully. His relationship with his father had not been the same since he’d learn about his hand in Elizabeth’s scandal and he’d noticed himself keeping the king father at arms length despite his illness.

'I was just about to leave for the hospital.’ He announced, his meaning clear, tone communicating a slight irritation at the interruption.

’Then I’m glad I caught you,’ Constantine eased himself into the armchair and dropped his gaze to the floor, his demeanour pensive as he paused. 'Liam… son... I need to speak with you. It concerns the safety of Cordonia.'

Liam almost raised an eyebrow at the seriousness in his tone — for once Constantine had deemed sending threats to potential suitors a matter of Cordonia’s safety — but held his tongue and waited.

’Son, I’m sure you don’t need an old man like me to tell you that this country is headed towards chaos. The attack on the palace has made it seem like the monarchy is on the brink of ruin. And it is our job — yours particularly — to prevent this from happening. We should be projecting a strong image to the public in this time of distress…’

Liam frowned. His father was obviously dancing around the point he’d come to make ‘What are you saying?’

‘I’m saying… I think this may be a good time to consider choosing a wife. Perhaps Duchess Elizabeth. She’d be a favourable match, she’s gained an excellent understanding of our country, the media adore her and she’d —'

‘What?!?’ Liam interjected, feeling anger bubbling up inside him, not bothering to hide his disgust at Constantine’s words.. ‘Father how can you- how can you even suggest that?’

Not long ago the King Father would have given anything to see Elizabeth gone from their country and now he was pushing them to get married?

‘Liam…'

‘Father do you realise what you’re saying?’ Liam was pacing now, unable to believe his ears. ‘You despise her. In fact a few months ago, you spearheaded a plot to disgrace her and now you want to see her as queen? I’m sorry but I don’t follow.'

The King Father sighed again, rubbing absentmindedly at his chest. ‘Liam I know how it sounds but hear me out… I’m an old man. I’m not going to be around much longer and I can’t with good conscience leave this country without a stable future…' ‘

Are you saying I’m not stable enough?’ It brought Liam a slight pleasure to see his father shrink a little at his tone.

‘My boy that’s not what I-‘

’Then what did you mean?’

‘I’m merely putting forward Duchess Elizabeth as the best candidate for Queenship. The press adore her and its obvious to anyone that she’s got a way with the people that Olivia Nevrakis and Madeleine Krona will never have. We need to project a strong image of the monarchy to our people, let them know that in the face of tragedy, there is still hope.'

‘And you truly believe Elizabeth is the best way to do that?’ Liam offered hostilely.

It burned his tongue to speak of her in such a way, in a marriageable way after… well...

Constantine was already nodding. ‘I know I may have been wrong in the past and despite his best efforts to thwart her Duchess Elizabeth has seems to have some sort of… endurance that has gotten her to where she is.’ Liam watched the King Father, rub absentmindedly at his chest as he gazed off. 'Our country could use some of her enduring quality right now.'

Liam could hear the truth in his father’s words. He wasn’t wrong. He just didn’t know what had happened. That she loved Drake and not him.

He allowed himself a few moments to compose himself before speaking. ‘And what if I refuse?'

Shock splashed across the former king’s face. ‘Refu- Liam I don’t understand…. You love her, she loves you. I’m merely suggesting what would have happened months ago if it wasn’t for me… I can’t fathom why you’re being so resistant to this… This seems like the ideal situation for you. It's what you wanted right?’

It was. It was what he wanted. He’d laid in bed, thinking of it, dreaming of it every night since the day he met her and... even after the day she’d rejected him.

Suddenly he saw the entire future panned out before him. Elizabeth would be walking down the aisle in her big white dress for their perfect wedding, they’d become man and wife and she’d rule by his side from that day forward. He could picture her talking down stubborn senators and negotiating difficult reforms and after it was over, they’d bid farewell to the day in each other’s arms.

He could hear the laughter of the children they could have echoing through the palace and the pitter-patter of footsteps as they chased each other through the maze. He could almost feel the creases that would form next to her eyes after years together but he’d still think she was the most beautiful creature he’d ever laid eyes on as he kiss-

‘Your Majesty,’ a servant’s voice broke Liam out of his fantasy. ‘The royal motorcade is ready for you sire.’

‘Yes of course,’ he answered, immediately snapping back into his role as he straighten his collar and made to head to the door when a hand on his arm made him pause.

‘Think about it son. That’s all I ask.’

Liam could barely find it within himself to nod, rushing out before the tears could spill.

Though he’d come to visit countless times over the last two months, Liam never failed to be shocked at the sight of Drake lying on that hospital bed.

He gazed at his best friend, alarmingly thin and deathly pale under the flimsy material of the hospital gown they’d dressed him in. The bandages no longer covered his entire chest but were reduced to a small gauze patch over the stitched up bullet hole. Hundred of tubes connected him to various machines surrounding the bed including the ventilator which sat beeping quietly in the corner. Liam gulped at the sight of him.

This was Drake. Drake Walker. His best friend and fiercest protector.

He knew Drake would have defended him tooth and nail if required but when the time came, he, Liam, had failed to do the same.

He couldn’t bear to look at his best friend, the shame was too great, and shifted his gaze over to Elizabeth, seated on the bed beside Drake, her fingers, gently brushing a few strands of hair from his face.

The way she looked at him, it was like rejection all over again and Liam could possibly fathom how he was going to convince this amazing woman to marry him. Elizabeth was never his to begin with and even if she did agree, Liam knew he would feel like the wrong man for the rest of his life, sealed as her husband only by the blessing of a priest and a few strokes on paper, nothing else.

Could he live with that?

Liam didn’t have time to dwell on it when a doctor appeared at his side.

’Your Majesty the healthcare team is here for the consultation.' He nodded once and followed her to a small conference room, Elizabeth following a minute later.

‘Your Majesty, Your Grace thank you for coming on such short notice,’ the head doctor stated.

Elizabeth leaned forward. ‘We came as soon as you called. You said there’s an update? How’s he doing?’

‘Well,’ the doctor began. ‘ As you know Mr Walker has been on IV and receiving extra oxygen in the entire time he’s been here. After the extreme blood loss he experienced following the gunshot wound, it was likely that he would have experienced some brain damage despite the blood transfusions he received. And according to His Majesty’s instructions we have been monitoring his brain activity hourly but yesterday we noticed an steep drop in brain activity. The subsequent neurological testing.’

She passed a piece of paper with the test results to them, ’Showed decreased sign in brain activity which usually means that while the basic brain functions like heart rate, digestion and sleep patterns have been retained, unfortunately the higher order functions have been lost.'

‘I-I don’t underst- I don’t understand,’ Elizabeth put in shakily. ‘What higher order functions?’

‘Capabilities like memory, cognition, thinking, attention, perception, language even have been lost.’

Liam couldn’t help but glance at Elizabeth, the strain of the doctors words hitting them both but her fingers remained wrapped so tightly around the sheet of paper, it began to tear.

‘Our medical team here can provide you with the results of the other tests we carried out,’ the doctor gestured to her colleagues but Elizabeth interrupted, her voice low and firm.

‘How long?’

‘Your Grace, once the higher order functions have been lost, we must declare the patient brain dead. We should discuss shutting off life support.’

The statement hit Liam like a boulder to the chest but before he could form a complete thought, Elizabeth was already on her feet, glaring down at the doctor.

’No!’ She shouted. ’No we are NOT turning off the life support! There’s got to be something you can do! You’ve-you’ve-you've fucked up the test somehow! He’s not brain dead! I-I-I refuse to believe that! You’re not doing all you can. I mean its the twenty-first century for fucks sake! There’s gotta be some sort of test or procedure you can do...’

The head doctor remained unperturbed by Elizabeth’s outburst and evenly replied. ‘We’ve exhausted all our options Your Grace. We’re are unable to comply with any advanced directive trying to require that Mr Walker be kept on life support after being declared brain dead. We cannot and do not usually provide futile care. It is generally accepted that once a person is brain dead, they are essentially dead.’

’No! No, you’re-you’re lying!’ Desperate tears streamed down Elizabeth’s face as she grabbed the doctor by her shirt in anger. ‘You have to do something,’ she screeched. ‘The man I love is in there and I-I-I need him to wake up so I can tell him that! You need to get him to wake up!’

‘I’m sorry Your Grace, there’s nothing more we can do for him,’ the doctor replied calmly despite her outburst.

Elizabeth let out a scream of frustration that shocked Liam out of his stupor and he immediately sprung to his feet, wrestling the doctor’s shirt from her hands.

‘Elizabeth, Elizabeth,’ Liam tried to look into her eyes, attempting to restrain her struggling form as she glared at the doctor, knowing that if he let go she might have pounced on her. ‘Elizabeth look at me.’

‘Liam do something!’ she yelled, trying to twist out of his steel grip. ‘You’re the fucking king. Order that bitch to do something! They just wanna let him die!’

She was stronger than she looked as she almost broke out of his grip, throwing her arm out to the doctor, nails flashing on empty air as she swiftly evaded her reach. Bastien and Mara who were in the room too came forward to help Liam restrain her but he shook his head.

‘Elizabeth listen to me,’ he commanded in his kingly tone. ’The doctors have done everything they can for Drake okay? Do you really think I would have let them leave any stone unturned? They’ve done everything. There’s nothing more we can do okay?’

It killed him to see her like this, with hot tears pouring down her as she struggled more weakly against his grip.

‘Liam please, please don’t let them do it,’ she begged, grabbing onto his lapels twisting the material between her white-knuckled hands as tears streamed down her face. The desperation in her voice was so deep it almost broke him as she implored him with big brown watery eyes.

‘Liam please... I’m not ready to let him go. Please I-I have to.. to tell him I-’ She cut herself off, drawing a huge ragged breath.

‘Elizabeth…’ Liam had never felt so useless in his entire life.

He was the king of an entire nation but even he was powerless to do anything. To see her like this was nothing less than excruciating but what was he to say? The doctors had already told them everything they could, he’d only be repeating their condemning sentence, driving the nail in deeper.

‘Liz…’ he began hesitantly, unsure of what to say, ‘…if I could do anything... you know I would...'

Though he'd attempted for a more comforting approach but he couldn’t quite hide the hopelessness in his voice. Immediately her knees buckled and he struggled to support her as she rested her forehead on his chest in a sign of complete and utter defeat. It was the single saddest thing he’d ever seen in his life. A woman so broken over the man she loved, she could barely find the strength to hold herself up.

Before Liam could bring his arms up around her body to provide what comfort he could, Elizabeth ripped herself away to burst out of the room.

'Liam, is-is there nothing..?’ Maxwell met him at the door, obviously having heard the entire exchange from outside but cut himself off when the king turned to look at him, his blue gaze holding the answer no one wanted to voice out loud.

‘Oh,’ the younger Beaumont dropped his eyes to the ground. ‘Please excuse me.’

Liam looked forlornly after his friend who could scarcely make it to the end of the hallway without bursting into tears.

His feet took him back to the room where Elizabeth was currently sobbing on Drake’s chest, arms clasped firmly around his neck as if she could bring him back by sheer force of will. It was only when Hana’s soft hand touched his arm lightly that Liam finally broke down into tears and though they’d never been close he accepted her hug.

This is Drake. Drake Walker. His best friend and fiercest protector.

The only person who had been there for him in the darkest hour, always ready with a sarcastic comment, a glass of whiskey and a listening ear. Drake had given up a chance at his own life for Liam all those years ago and just when he seemed on the cusp of beginning afresh with Elizabeth…

Liam sobbed harder into Hana’s shoulder, not caring if he ruined her dress now — he’d buy her another one to replace it — but now he was just grateful for the company. Through the open door of the hospital room, Liam could hear Elizabeth’s words as she talked out loud.

‘— will always love you Drake,’ she was saying. ‘And only you for the rest of my life. You are the love of my life Drake Walker and my life’s regret will be not telling you earlier…'

Breaking out of Hana’s grip, Liam blindly stalked off, letting his feet carry him whatever direction they wished until he reached an open balcony somewhere in the hospital. The wind whipped at his face as he stared up into the sky, devoid of any cloud as if mocking him. It should be raining, storming, hailing anything to reflect the inner turmoil he was feeling. With a deep breath of cool air rushing into his lungs, he opened his mouth ready to unleash a bellow that would have echoed off the very mountain stops across the country but paused, painfully aware of the security camera trained on his every move, ready to capture visual footage of the king losing his mind as he yelled at the empty air.

Instead Liam did what he always did. He’d learned long ago that he was a king first then a man and because of that some of his human tendencies would have to take a back seat. Deep breaths, eyes closed, feet together until he felt the uncontrollable anger dissipated and his vision cleared.

That did nothing to soothe the ache of his heart, however. It still beat, however brokenly, pumping what felt like shards of broken glass into his veins.

This is it, he realised. This is the end. We’re really going to do this.

In the months that followed the attack, some small part of him had hoped that Drake would come out okay. Liam had placed him in the best hospital with the best doctors working around the clock with state-of-the-art technology to bring him back but the doctor’s words hollowed out his soul.

“The higher order functions have been lost, we must declare the patient brain dead.”

Dead.

This is Drake. Drake Walker. His best friend and fiercest protector.

Drake of all people would be most likely to survive a bullet wound. So many things came bubbling up to the surface. They’d barely talked since Liam had proposed. He had Drake’s avoidant tendencies to thank for that.

God Drake had probably taken that shot, thinking that he, Liam, must have hated his guts for stealing the woman that they both loved. Knowing Drake he would have tried to fight his feelings for the longest time and knowing Elizabeth she wouldn’t have made that easy. So many things he should have done, he should have said.

Goddamn it if it was too late, Liam was going to say it now.

Rushing back, he ran into the very person he was hoping to avoid, Elizabeth and for a long moment they just looked at each other.

‘Savannah’s in there with Bartie,’ she informed him hollowly. ‘They’ve put his mum on the phone so she can say goodbye.’

‘I…uh…'

Unable to form words, Liam dropped into a chair outside the door and a beat later, Elizabeth followed suit. Liam thought of his father’s suggestion and how part of him wanted to desperately to act on it, if not for the guilt in the other half of him.

He wanted Elizabeth so badly, but not like this.

He wanted her to choose him, freely. Not like this…

The heavy silence lasted and she seemed to be mustering up the courage to say something. But what? There was nothing to say. They both knew what was coming.

She finally opened her mouth ‘Liam I’m-'

The moment was shattered as door creaked open and a tearful Savannah exited with Bartie wrapped in her arms. Liam shot to his feet. Whatever Elizabeth was going to say could waits he entered the room, closing the door behind him.

His best friend’s pale face has an eerie glow thrown across it but the fluorescent lights above and Liam inched his way slowly to the bedside chair.

‘I’m sorry Drake…’ Liam burst out, his voice laced with tears. ‘I failed you. I failed everyone, my parents, my country, my friends, my best friend… I am the king of an entire nation and I still couldn’t protect you.’ He reached out tot grip the other man’s hand, slightly colder than normal.

‘You’re my best friend. You should be here and I should be there. Those bullets were meant for me, not you. You should be here,’ he swallowed heavily, the words sticking in his throat.

‘With her. She loves you, so, so much. I know you love her. And so do I. I’m sorry I stood in the way of you two getting together. If I had known maybe I could have protected you, or-or-or,’ Liam paused, sobs wracking his body.

‘My father wants me to marry her,’ he told his best friend, voice barely above a whisper. ‘He said she’d make a good queen and maybe she would. But she was never mine to begin with. Her heart will always be yours. I still don’t know what I’m going to do. How can I marry the woman in love with my best friend?’ Liam squeezed his hand tighter.

‘I wish you would come back. Come back and take this choice away from me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if she’ll say yes. I mean how could she?’

His blue eyes rested on Drake’s face, silently begging, pleading for an answer but none came.

‘I’ll take care of her Drake,’ he vowed. ‘Even if she says yes or not, I’ll see that she’s always well looked after. She’ll never be wanting for anything. If I do ask her and she does say yes, I’ll be the best husband I can be. Elizabeth will always be yours, Drake and I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to live up to your example.'

Liam felt a tiny part of the huge weight on his shoulders dissipate slightly and when a small knock reached his ears, his voice was steady enough to answer without breaking.

‘Come in.’

‘Your Majesty.’ It was the head doctor again. ‘We’re ready to perform the procedure, if you are.’

He wiped the tears that escaped with the back of his hand and nodded. The shuffling of feet indicated that his friends entered the room, Hana, Maxwell, Bastien, Bertrand, Savannah and… Elizabeth. Liam moved to vacate the chair he was sitting on but she made a passive motion, situating herself on the opposite side closer to Drake. She looked at him with such love and sadness that Liam automatically felt like an outsider, like this was a special moment he was intruding on. Her lips moved but he didn’t have to look to know what she was saying.

I love you so, so much.

Savannah came to rest her hand on her brother's shoulder while the other found its way to Liam’s, giving him a reassuring squeeze before addressing the doctor. ‘Will it hurt?’

She shook her head. ‘It will be like falling asleep. Once we turn the ventilator off, he’ll just stop breathing naturally...'

Elizabeth made a sound in her throat at that but managed to compose herself aside from the tears pouring down her face. Leaning in, Liam and everyone else watched her kiss Drake’s still form ever so softly before resting her forehead against his, her tears dripping onto his face until they looked like his own..

‘Do it,’ she commanded, giving the doctor the signal.

And just like that, is turned into was.

Liam marvelled at how quickly the process was over, how with a simple turning of a dial, a whole life was extinguished just like that. Nothing could have prepared him for this. As his mind replayed all the good memories of his best friend, Liam gripped Drake’s motionless hand desperately, not wanting to feel his shallow pulse fade out into nothing. Savannah began to lean on him more and more, gradually failing to support herself.

They all watched with bated breath as the gentle rise and fall of Drake’s chest slowly evened out and before it could fade out completely, Elizabeth pressed her lips to his again, one last time. In his distant hearing, Liam detected the steady sound of the heart rate monitor flatlining, cementing that it really was over now.

No one said anything — no one needed to, they all filed out, one by one in their own time, in their own way until it was just Liam and Elizabeth left, her quiet sobs the only sounds filling the room, while Liam could barely keep his suppressed.

Eventually, he too got up, more out of duty than anything but paused in the doorway to glance back at Elizabeth’s sobbing form.

'I’ll take her home,' Hana offered, noting his concern and Liam nodded in reply, not trusting himself to speak.

This was Drake. Drake Walker. His best friend and fiercest protector.

Send me an ask to be on my permatags or series tags!

103 notes · View notes

ddonggeun · 6 years

Note

Hey! So I’m suspecting if I got adhd/add but is there any symptom idk. It’s really exp here to get it diagnosed

sorry it took me a while to get back to you because honestly i dont know whats a good alternative for you can be so i guess i can share my own experience?

first of all i think googling symptoms and types of adhd and reading peoples account on how adhd/add manifest is a good start? my doctor and the reddit /r/adhd REALLY help me to accept myself (which is the first step i think) but the way i get diagnosis (i am adhd with predominately inattentiveness - but at the same time i have depressions and dyslexia which is like a killer combo 10/10 would never rec) is that i came across with an article a couple months about how girls with adhd are more likely to be (mis)diagnosed with depression and it basically fucks up multiple generations because they cant get the help they need and i was like wait whats describe in it sounds kind of like me but at the same time i have always been very lethargic and rather well behaved in class growing up i am nothing like what you would typically associate with adhd (you know the hyper-activeness) so during my next visit to the doctor (im getting treatment for my depression) i mention to the article to her and she said wait you know what describe how you feel in a classroom setting growing up and is there anything you do that teachers complain about repeatedly and tell me how studying and doing homework is like to you and so i did (i can go further into details of my life since a lot contributes to why i only get diagnosis when im 21… let me know if you would like to know i guess?)

my doctor (who just so happens to be an adhd specialist and is quite active in the research area i didnt know before then we stan forever i love her really she is so encouraging and so good at her job) took some notes as i was talking and after im done she said you know what i think you might be onto something but i cant be sure yet (since i have depression and dyslexia which both overlaps quite a lot with adhd/add) why dont i first explain to you what adhd is and i’ll give you the set of official diagnosis questions you dont have to do it just take a look at it first do some research organize your thought talk to your parents about it and if you think getting a test on it is something you want we can set up another appointment and we can go from there - which is really really nice because adhd has always been a taboo at least with my upbringing it makes you a loser socially academically and you know just in general its not something you will want to have….

in hind sight there are SO MANY SIGNS even in early childhood how come no one notice i dont know prolly because i grew up in the 00s if you are different you need to kys lmao rip:

trouble paying attention in school or work,

the appearance of not listening - although im an audio learner funny enough

avoidance of activities that require sustained focus,

being easily distracted

restlessness

fidgeting and cant sit properly - i shake my legs or click my pen so much especially when im thinking or anxious lmao, i got into trouble a lot when i was younger because i only sit in my seat facnig the teacher 5 mins max at at ime then i move around or i move the chair around i think better when i cross my legs but i went to a uniform school and i always make my skirt too short so you know

interrupting - if i dont say what comes to mind when it comes to mind, the thought is gone forever

frequent talking and talking way too fast - i get the exact same comment every single report day class from when i was 4 till i graduated high school im not even kidding “she has excellent comprehension skill and reading speed. it would be great if parents can help her out a bit in maths or chemistry. she has a lot of potential if she applies herself, she seems distracted although when we ask her questions she can answer. very helpful and bubbly and yet she talks too much in class. she is not disruptive and her seatmate never complains but she just doesnt stop talking. we have been pairing her up with quiet students in class in the hopes that she will talk less in class but she just turn the quiet student talkative”

trying to do multiple things at once - i cant do one thing at a time, even when im say writing a paper i need to be listening to music or talking to someone if not switching between tabs or word files

mood swings

hyperfocus - oh boy oh boy oh boy

impulsiveness - i dont know if i get better as i age or is it getting worse i just know how to clean up my mess lmaooooo

poor time management - although i would say ever since i start listening to stuff 24/7 it really helps build a sense of the passage of time or whatever? its like now i know ok by the time i get to the third song in the shower i need to be washing out my conditioner; or say i need to go somewhere in 40 mins which is really abstract to me i set timers and put on a show thats 35ish mins even tho im not watching it just so im aware of time is actually happening if it makes sense

fail to follow through - i start things and once i have it figure out in my head i struggle to put it down in words or explain it to others i work well with other adhd peps tho

doesnt follow instruction and only do stuff their way

burnout - this is the worst especially if you are a perfectionist or a control freak and guess who is both

trouble coping with stress -

i luck out because im canadian and my doctor (in my schools clinic) just so happens to be a specialist who is very passionate about helping undergrads and grad school students to achieve as much as they can - so doctor and diagnosis for me is free. i do have to pay for my medications out of my pocket for a bit since im on vyvanse (to treat both my adhd and depression-lead anxiety its complicated but it makes sense when my doctor explained it to me lol) and this drug isnt covered by Pharmacare (CAD $130ish for 3 weeks worth of 30mg, im mostly on 30mg but on days when i dont have work on stuff or go to school i take 20mg just so my anxiety dont cause me to explode lmao) and very expensive but recently my doctor and i have agreed that vyvanse really work for me and it is something that i should be on daily for the foreseeable future we applied for special authorization which means i only gotta pay the tax… of course medicating isnt a must but it is what works for me and we figure out a way to make it affordable so i cant be more happy about that

at the same time i work with my psychiatrist to you know configure the whole adhd thing cause you know 21 years of repressing and forcing your feet into a shoes that not even your size frick you up thats something people dont tell you 🤷🏻‍♀️

what my doctor said to me then stuck with me - she told me adhd or add really is no monster or flaw in fact it is a very valuable set of traits we inherit from our ancestor - we hate it now because modern society render these skills useless well you see adhd isnt all about the hyperactiveness you see in the media people with adhd are extra sensitive to their surrounding and prefer hands on experiences (today we call them distracted) they are always aware of the change around them and is capable to attend to a couple things at a time and act fast because their brains are always making sense of things even when they arent consciously doing it. in todays society we dont want these kind of people why? because they ask questions they are curious people who notice trivial stuff that dont contribute to productivity they cant sit still which makes them not the ideal factor workers or pupils BUT! you have to remember that industrialization started like a century ish ago before that our ancestors live in predominately tribal society - adhd people then are the perfect caretakers and protectors, why? because they are always noticing things they adapt and react fast… so yeah it kinda suck for us growing up in a system thats designed to be everything we are and it is something that need to be changed but for those of us who “made it out alive” especially people who only get diagnosed in adulthood more often than not they look back and realize they have developed so many incredible ways to cope to make things work - are they always the perfect way? are they always health? no definitely no but at the same time it shows you how incredible these people are they make things work yes things are really hard sometimes but you got to give yourself a pet in the shoulder for not giving up… with the help of science and research we now know a little more about how adhd affect people we now have medication and programs developed to help people with adhd - they arent to dumb you down or numb you but instead it helps you to focus better so you can actually hear your entire thought and not just phrases or sentence fragments

#i rambled but i hope my personal experience give u a slight idea of how adhd/add manifest in others? but like i said medicating is not the #only way i think talking to people with similar experiences is helpful too even tho they might not be able to offer you professional medical #advices not feeling alone or that you are a weirdo is so important people talk a lot of about how poor self image among adhd ppls are common #and i think the social pressure is def one of the things that make it worse #i dont know where you are but if you are still in school #i guess talking to a trusted teacher or like social worker would be a good start they might be able to point you to more local and accessibl #resources.... and i mean you can always talk to me im very new to the whole actively combating adhd and not just cope with it but you know #sometimes you just need someone to hear you rant about stuff and im always here... i might not be able to reply fast since im in my last #semester 😳 and school is killing me lmao but ill try to response as soon as i see it :)))#ask #anon

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buckaroo-shopp · 3 years

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Skull Couple Heart Shape You And Me We Got This Poster

DRY DREAMS OF FURTHERING THE EITHER CRYING OR EXPLAINING YOUR GIGGLING THE STORY FOR SO LONG WE’VE BEEN AWAY FROM THESE CHARACTERS FOR SO LONGand JUST TO BE WITH THEM TO BE BACK IN THIS WORLD IS REALLY SPECIAL SEEING JOHN RECEIVE THIS INFORMATION ABOUT WHO HE IS ASSUMING THAT PEOPLE WHENEVER YOU CAME TO THE STORY IN WHATEVER WAY BOOKS SHOW SOME COMBINATION HE WONDERED ABOUT THISand WAITED FOR THEM TO FINALLY SEE IT WAS REALLY SPECIAL AMENITIES AT ALL THESE REUNIONS NOW ARE YOU SEEING THE INJURY ARE YOU SEEING JOHN JOHNSON BRAND LIKE THE LIST GOES ONand ON IT WAS JUST REALLY COMPLICATEDand VERY FRAUD IN A WAY TO FILTER THE STORY IT WAS ALSO REALLY SHOULD ONLY START TO KNOW I RIGHT NOW WHICH IS HOW WILL HAVE TO ARRANGE WILL DEFINITELY PROBABLY NEED TO BRING LIKE A DESIRE CDI BUDGET IS ALSO IS A QUICK BREAKand WILL BE RIGHT BACK ON TOP OF ROOMS AFTER THIS IS CRYSTALLINE CULTURAL IMPACT APPEALS TO DIEHARD GENRE PEOPLE ALSO HAS REACHED INTO THE PUBLIC CONVERSATION TO SAY MY DIVINITIES THE UNSECURED PAYMENT ADDRESS QUESTIONS LINE ON HASSAN’S ON THE WEDNESDAY BENJAMIN IS A DEEP DIVE LOOK AT EACH IMMIGRANT UPSET EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE ABOUT THE MOUNTAIN WHO IS STILL WITH US THOUGHand ON OUR COVERAGE ON RINGER WITH SINISTER and IT’S A BRAND NEW Cast AS YOU CAN ONLY WE ARE BACK ON SOFTER THROWING STICKS FOR JOINING US I TALKED TO THRONES IF YOU GUYS WANT TO REACH OUT TO USand WE NOW WE GET TO A SEGMENT OF THE DYING I CAN’T WAIT TO GET TO THIS ONE IS A FIREand ICE WINNER OF THE WEEK DELIVERED BY HOUSE WAYS A REALLY SMALL FROSTY WHEN YOU ORDER DELIVERY OF THE WENDY’S SPICY CHICKEN COMBO USING THE PROMO CODE HOUSE WENDY’S ON DOOR HIS DELIVERY AT ON THE WEEK MALLORY EXTREMELY CHALLENGING TO LOCK IN ON BECAUSE ALL I CAN WITHOUT ANY FEAR THEY ARE THROWN BUT HE DOESN’T WANT THAT IT’S A BIRDand IT’S VERY COMPLICATED GENRE TO DRAGON BUT ANDROPAUSE WATCHING HIM WHILE HE TRIED HAS ACCESS TO ALL OF YOU IS BEST TO SCHEDULE GOING WITH SANS THE BECAUSE THE PERSON WHO SEEMED MOST IN CONTROL OF LIKE THE COURAGE OF HER CONVICTIONand ALSO HAD THE MOST OTHER PEOPLE EITHER ADVOCATING FOR HER WERE SAYING LIKE SEEMS TO HAVE LIKE REALLY FIGURED OUT THIS EMAIL COURSE DANNY WAS NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE SHE WAS SAYING WHY DOES YOUR SISTER NOT LIKE AND OR RESPECTIVELY BUT SEEM TO HAVE A PRETTY GOOD YOU HAVE TO BE MY FRIEND BUT SHE HAS TO RESPECT HIMand THAT WAS REAL HE GOT A WRITER HE’S BEEN ALONE THIS WHOLE TIME HIS BEST ELI SIRI ON JAVELINS FRONT HIS EYES TO HIS ROOMMATE FOR MANY YEARS UNDER THE MINUTE THE SWEET YOU ARE JUST CHILLING DOWN THERE EATING DUDESand GOATSand WHATEVER ELSEand NOW HE’S FINALLY GOT HOLD ONLY RIDE ON A GREAT ONE THANK YOU BECAUSE SO OFTEN THROUGHOUT THE STORY WE SAID WHY DANNY GIVING THIS AREA IS ALL ONLY JUST ROOM TO GROW IN ROME BUT YOU RIGHT AFTER HE HAS HIS AUTHORITARIAN SAYINGS THAT A GET A SECOND IN THE MIX FINALLY WONDERFUL FOR VEGGIESand WHAT ARE THE WEAK MALWARE OF THE WEEK WAS ON THE JESUS YOU A LOSER I AM A LOSER IT’S NEURON GRADE IS DEFINITELY NOT GETTING INVITED BACK TO THE FANTASY SWEET AFTER LOSING HIS PRIZE CAPTIVE BECAUSE HE WAS UP IN THE FANTASY SUITES RIGHT LIKE COME ON MY GUY IS STRONGER LOCK ON JUST SOMETHING TO MY ARE THE WEEK IS I IS KHYBER BECAUSE CLAIRE WHEN HE SAID THE WALL JOB HE WAS VERY EXCITED FOR A REUNION WITH ALL OF THESE REANIMATED CORPSES THEY COULDN’T WAIT TO USERS IS HANDLING DEBTS MY LOSER OF THE WEEK IS PROBABLY THE ELEPHANT TRADERS OF THE GOLDEN COMPANY UNDERSTAND HOW IF YOU ARE A HIGH LEVEL ANIMAL TRAINER WAS GETTING ELEPHANTS READY FOR BATTLE LIKE PRESUMABLY IS AS THEY WERE FOR MERCENARY GROUP I WOULD IMAGINE THAT THAT HAPPENS RELATIVELY FREQUENTLY BUT THERE’S LIKE THIS CATCH REALLY DON’T LIKE LONG SEA VOYAGES SO STUPID LIKE WHERE THE ACTION THAT YOU GOT WHERE IS HIS FIRST ROLE IS THE DISPUTED LAND LET’S BE FAIR THERE MAKE ANOTHER MAKING THEIR THEY’RE NOT IN THE DISPUTED LANDS IMAGINE CIRCE’S YELP REVIEW OF PROMPT RESPONDED TO MY EMAILS LOVED HIS NAME TO REMEMBERand DIDN’T SEEM TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU’RE ON CHILDREN’S GUYSand A GAMBLING GAME GONE WRONG BUT REALLY OBSESSED WITH ELEPHANT SHOW WHILE WE RUSHED BY I WAS LIKE THE CIRCUS LEFT TOWN THAT WAS WATER IN THE MANAGERS OF ELEPHANTS JUST NEED TO NEED TO STRICKLAND DID LOOKING LIKE THAT WITH YOUR ON I THINK THAT ACTUALLY THEY SEEM TO HAVE ATTENTION ALREADYand EVEN WONDERING IF MAYBE NEURON IS AGAIN FAMOUSLY THE COMPANY NEVER BROKE THE CONTRACT WE WONDERED IF MAYBE THE LOGISTICS OF NEURON BEING THE ONE TO RETRIEVE THEM WOULD MAKE THEM LOYAL TO HIMand SAID ASSERTION BACKand BE A PART OF WAS AT SOME POINT BUT THE HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND THAT STRICKLAND IS HAS NO INTEREST IN DEALING WITHand HERE I GET CUT OUT OF THIS IS A WAY HE’S A DANGEROUS MAN SO WHAT IS HE GOING TO DO THAT IF HE GOES ROGUE WAS HE THINK ABOUT HIS COUSIN ROD STRICKLANDand HIS CAREER IS BE A FOCUS SAY NOW IS OUR FIREand ICE WINNER OF THE WEEK DELIVERED BY ASSET HOUSE WENDY’S LET’S GET INTO THE SMALL COUNCIL WERE ON TWITTER WERE TALKING ON TWITTER ATTACHED ROSE TO SEND US YOUR QUESTIONS CAN SEND US YOUR COMMENTS OR THEORIES IF YOU GOT ANY GOT A COUPLE OF HITS FROM THE SMALL COUNCILS LET’S SEE THOSE NOW THE FIRST ONE I GOT HERE COMES FROM DAVID OXMANand HE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT DID YOU GUYS THINK OF THE NEW OPENING SO MUCH TODAY HAS A LOT THERE ANYTHING YOU GUYS REMEMBER FROM THE OLD IT’S A VERY VERY DETAILED YET THERE’S A LOT THERE I WILL SAY SO ONE THING I NOTICED I COULD BE WRONG BUT IF YOU NOTICE THE TARGET AREAand PORTION OF THE CRYSTAL FIRST OF ALL WINNERS ALLand SO THEY MADE IT DARKER THE TARGET AREAand PORTION IS VERY INTERESTING BECAUSE LIKE ON THE FAR LEFT IS THAT IS THAT LIKE IT IS THAT THE BLEEDING SARIS AT THE MEETING IS THAT THE METEOR THAT’S FALLING LATER THAT GOES WITH LIKE WHEN THE PRINCES PROMISES MUST BE I MEAN IT SEEMS TO BE SOME KIND OF LIKE FALLING ASTROID METEOR WHICH IS VERY INTERESTING OBVIOUSLY WE NEED TO GET LIKE A LOT DEEPER INTO IT BUT YEAH THERE’S A LOT TO DIGEST THEREand THAT’S ONE OF THE FIRST PACKAGES LIKE A PARSE EVERY SHOT THAT SEEING THE WALL YOU KNOW THAT THE WALL FALLING ALSO JUST HAVING THAT IS LIKE OUR ENTRY INTO YE RIGHT WHERE WE LEFT OFF WITH THE VIKINGS ARMY MARCHING THROUGH BUT AGAIN JUST CONFIRMATION THAT THIS FORCE YOU WHEN ARTERIES ARE PROCESSINGand WOLLASTON THROUGH IT ALL JUST TO BE REMINDED THAT IS NOT TRUE IT WASN’T FOR THAT ACTUALLY BUT IT’S NOT SURE NOW IS IS A VERY EFFECTIVE WAY TO GROUND YOURSELF IN THE STORY AGAIN RIGHT AWAYand AGAIN SEEN THE CRAP SAMMY HAD WE NEEDED MORE CONFIRMATION OF THE CRIPS OR TO PLAY A PIVOTAL ROLE THE SEASON BUT WE CERTAINLY GOT IT EASY PERCENT BUT IS USUALLY PUT IT IN THE INSURANCE LIKE OF EUGENIA ANNALEE EMMONS SHE TREATS OUT IS BEST WRITTEN SO FAR VOTING FOR THEO’S WELL DESERVED HEAD BUT I WAS A PRETTY GOOD ONE DID YOU A FAVOR REUNION EXAM FOR BEST ANYTHING OUT THERE JAMIE I JEANNIE BRAND THERE’S LIKE THE SYMMETRY IS GREATand LIKE THE YOU KNOW THE THINGS AS YOU SAID THE THINGS THAT YOU DO THAT HE DID FOR LOVE PUSH BRANDON OUT OF A WINDOWand HE’S DOING THINGS FOR DIFFERENT REASONS NOW WHICH HAS BROUGHT THEM BACKand THAT LIKE YEAH YEAH BRANDS YOU ANYTHING FOR HIS IS OF REACTIONS ANYTHING BUT ONE THAT I THOUGHT WAS INTERESTING WAS LIKE I WAS A ROOTSTOCK ABOUT HOW JAMES CAN HAVE A ROUGH GO OF IT ONCE EVERYBODY FINDS OUT HE’S THERE REALLY KNOW HIS INTENTIONS BETTER THAN ANYONE RIGHT I CAN AS ENEMY HE’S JUST HE TOLD ME I’M NOT NOT RANSACKING RELIGIOUS HE’S LEFT A PART OF HIS LIFE BEHIND I WOULD BE VERY COMPELLING FOR SAW HIM REENGAGE WITH HIS HUMANITY THAT THIS SEASON BUT HE IS GOOD TO BE ULTIMATELY PROBABLY OKAY WITH EDGING SHAFFER ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE MIGHT LIKE MASTERINGand OTHER THAN THAT ONE WHICH WAS ALWAYS A WONDERFUL SPACE PROBABLY ARIand JOHNand ARI AGAIN JURY YOU I FOUND THOSE BOTH VERY ELECTRIC FOR DIFFERENT REASONSand AGAIN JUST LOVE THESE STORYTIME COMPLEXITY OF HAVING ARIA ADVOCATE FOR SIGNS IN THAT EXCHANGEand IT JUST WOULD BE VERY EASY TO SLIP BACK INTO ARIANA JOHN GRUBB’S BEST FRIENDSand RNS EITHER DIDN’T JOHN DIDN’T REALLY REALLY APPRECIATE MOVING BEHIND AS ALL THESE CHARACTERS HAVE MATURED BRAIN CONFLICT TALKS ABOUT HOW HE’S DIFFERENT BUT ARE YOU JUST SEEMS TO IT’S LIKE A REALLY AMAZINGLY NUANCED PERFORMANCE BY VISIBLY BECAUSE SHE’S GOT HER LIKE SHE’S STILL OF THE WORLD SHE DOESN’T JUST GET TO ROLL AROUND IT IS BUICK I’M HAVING A VISION SHE’S BUT SHE’S SO MUCH FROM YOU SO PROFOUNDLY CHANGED BY ALL THE TRAINING SHE’S GONE THROUGH ALL THE EXPERIENCESand TRAUMAS SHE’S GONE THROUGH IS INCREDIBLE I LOVE ALAMOand JOHN IS LIKE REGARDING NEIL’S I CAN BE USED FOR OR FIVE TIMES A YEAR THIS IS FROM CD GORDON WITH A GREAT TWITTER HANDLE ACTUALLY DEFECTIVEand BEFORE I READ CDS TREE I JUST WAS A THESE GUYS ARE DOING AS THE MINISTER JASON WILL BE OBVIOUS IN WRITING IS AMAZING AT THE Mr COLUMN ON THE RINGER SO IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS HIT HIM UP WITH THOSEand CD GORDON ASKED WAS HARRY STRICKLAND BROUGHT TO WESTERN ROASTS SO THAT JOHN COULD END UP WITH BLACK FIRE IS FOR A LANEand EXPLAIN WHAT THAT MEANS IS SO LIKE LEAST THE COMPANY OF THE TOP THE GOLDEN COMPANY WAS FOUNDED BY DISAFFECTED MEMBERS OF THE EXTENDED TARGET AREAand FAMILY THESE WERE THE GREAT PASTORS WHO WERE FATHERED BY EGON THE UNWORTHY WHO WAS A VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY BAD KING SC WAS EXTREMELY PROFLIGATE HAD A LOT OF KIDSand HE GAVE ON THE CONQUEROR SWORD TO ONE OF HIS PAST HURTSand THAT WAS SEEN AS LEGITIMIZING THAT PORTION OF FAMILIES CAUSE THE CIVIL WAR THE BLACK FIRES LOST THEY THE SURVIVING MEMBERS THEN FLED TO SOS WHERE SOME OF THEM FOUNDED THE GOLDEN COMPANY INCLUDING ABEL RIVERS ANOTHER ONE OF THESE GREAT PASTORS WHO FLED WITH THE SWORD BLACK FIRE DISORDERLY ON THE CONQUEROR SO DO THEY STILL DO THE PHYSICAL INCOME IS THE SWORDand DO THEY STILL IDENTIFY WITH THIS OFFSHOOT TARGETING HOUSE TBD BUT IT’S PRETTY INTERESTING TO CONSIDER THE FACT THAT THERE’S NOT A LOT OF TIME TO LIKE FILL THAT UP BUT IT’S PASSING THINK THAT THEY MIGHT BE IF WHAT VALUE WOULD THAT WAS JUST HILARIOUS AS IS THE WORLD OTHER THAN HE ON THE ONE I THINK THAT JOHN’S RELATIONSHIP WITH LONG CLAWS OF LAND SALES FOR THE YEAR C4 COMMANDER MORE HAS BEEN LIKE ONE OF THE REAL HEARTBEATS OF THE SHOWand IS LITERALLY ALL OF THE NORTHand JOHN NEEDS TO BE ANYTHING TO REMIND HIMSELF THAT HE IS SO UNLIKE IN TRADING FOR A TARGET AREA WOULD BE VERY SMALLand SYMBOLICand IN A WAY THAT YOU FEEL TOTALLY RIGHT TO ME HOWEVER IF LONG LIFE IS LOSTand WE HAD THAT TRAILER THEY WERE WAS HERE POSTER THAT WE GOT IN THE TRAILER OF THE SNOW COVERING WINTERS ON THE BATTLE WRECKAGEand LONG CLAWS IN THERE NOW IS THAT LITTLE FOR YEARS ABOUT WHAT WE DON’T KNOW BUT THERE IS A COMPELLING ONE I WAS IN THE RECORD BUT THERE IS A VIDEO JOHN WIELDING BLACK FIRE HIS 88 ON THE CONQUERORS SWORDand MANY ARIANA FINDING DARK SISTER IS SAYING HE IS WHY SWORD WHICH WE HEARD HER TALK ABOUT SHE MENTIONED THIS IS HIGH WHEN YOU HAVE OFFICE AS A HEROINE OF HERS I THINK THAT YOU YOU YOU I MOST GIRLS LIKE YOUR AGE TO CARE ABOUT THE EXCESS OF WAS INTO THREE EYED RAVEN THIS IS OUR SECOND HEAD TOWARDS THE COMING EPISODE SPECIFICALLY NEXT SUNDAY’S EPISODE IF I HAVE TO GUESS THAT SEEMED A LITTLE BIT LIKE A STORM CLOUD GATHERING EPISODE RIGHT BEFORE FOR SURE WE GET IT IN OUR HOMES DEPARTED INVERTED EPISODES BY EITHER ANYTHING YOU GUYS SAW IN THE TRAILER FOR COMING SOON NEXT WEEK THAT YOU THOUGHT WOULD BE AN INTERESTING CLUE THEIR REVIEWERS WOULD BE BE INTO NECESSARILY IN THE TRAILER BUT I DO THINK WAS I DON’T KNOW IF THE GOLDEN COMPANY LIKE HAVE BLACK FIRE PRETENSIONS OR BUT IT DOES FEEL LIKE HE DIDN’T BRING THESE PEOPLE OVERand THEY JUST HAVE THE MOTIVATION OF LIKE MAKING I FEEL LIKE THERE’S ANOTHER THERE’S ANOTHER LEVEL THAT WERE GOING TO DISCOVER WITH THEM THEY HAVE LIKE THEIR OWN MOTIVATIONSand AS YOU NOTED HE LOOKED PRETTY PISSED THAT YOU’RE ON LIKE TO SLAUGHTERING HIS DUDES I THINK THAT THERE’S GOING TO BE SOMETHING OUT THEY WANT SOMETHING ELSE WHEN YOU WERE THE FIRST THURSDAY THEY WORK WELL THEY WERE EVER GAVE THEM A COLLECTION YES OF THE YEAR I WENT OVERand PAID WEEKLY WORK FOR YOUR THE IRONY IS USED THEM BEFORE WE HEARD THIS COME UP IN A CONVERSATION WITH CIRCE ABOUT HER PAYING HER DEBTS ARE LED EARLIER SEASONS BUT THEY’VE BEEN USED TO RETRIEVE GOLD FOR THE IRON BANK BEFORE WHOEVER PAYS A CONTRACT TO THE AIRPORTand WE DON’T KNOW WHO THAT IS TECHNICALLY IT SHOULD BE CIRCE BUT WHAT’S THE FINE PRINT WE DON’T KNOW ME THE MOST INTERESTING THING IN THE TRAILER OBVIOUSLY ALL OF THE JAMIE EXCHANGES IN A DANNY CHALLENGING JAMIE IS GOING TO BE A PRETTY CRAP HE’S BASICALLY ON TRIAL VICTORY WAS A LOT OF FORESHADOWING FOR THE BATTLE EITHER BEGINNING OR WILL GET THE DEFICITS CALLED WINTER FELLand AND THEN WE QUICK SHOT OF WHAT APPEAR TO BE DANNY WITH JOHN KREPS SO SHE IS SHE DIDN’T TELL HER DOWN THERE BECAUSE I THINK THERE COULD BE A STORYTIME PACK HERE WHERE JOHN IN THE CLASSIC THERE’S NO TIME FOR THAT I WAS LOOKING FOR HE SAYS NOW HAS TO WAITand THAT THAT’S POST BATTLE BUT JOHN’S CASEand WITHOUT SAYING BY THE WAY ON YOUR UNIT IS ACTUALLY TO COME UP AT SOME POINT WITH HER IS NOT THE WIDER REALM SO HIM CHOOSING TO REVEAL THAT IN THE CRIPS TO BE VERY POWERFUL I THINK ONE THING I KEEP THINKING ABOUT WAS THE THE WAY IN WHICH OF THE 19 ACROSS THE WALL OBVIOUSLY WAS WITH THE DRAGON THE ICE DRAGON I WONDER HOW FAST TO GET YOUR DRAGON FIGHT LIKE IF YOU WITH THE DRAGON LIKE WHAT WE CAN GET SOMETHING REALLY GNARLY REALLY FAST MAYBE EPISODE THREE BUT IT SEEMS LIKE WHENEVER THEY SEE THE END OF THE TRAILER FOR C EPISODE TWO SCARES THE HELL OUT OF WE DON’T SEE THE NIGHT CAME ORVIS AREAand IN ANY OF THE SEASONING TRAILERS ANYTHING SO THAT BE BECAUSE THE 19 IS NOT ACTIVE ADULT SEEMS HIGHLY UNLIKELY RIGHT SO SOME SORT OF DRAMATIC ARRIVAL WHY IS JOHN WRITINGand DRAGGING OUT OBVIOUSLY THAT MATTER IDENTITY IS IS ISSUED IS ISRAEL PARAMOUNT BUT THERE’S ALSO THE PRACTICAL STORYTELLING IMPACT OF THAT WHICH IS ONE WAY THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE CAN ESCAPE QUICKLY IF THEY NEED TO EVER MAKING CLIENT ON THAT DRAGON WITH HIM A LOT TO ME LIKE PEOPLE BUT ARIEL THAT YOU KNOW IT IS NOW THAT IF YOU KILL A LIGHT WALKER ALL OF THE WHITES OF THAT WATER YOU ALSO FALLand IT IS ALSO CAME IN FROM THE CONVERSATION WITH WAYNE WHEN BARRICK COMES UP TO JOHN IS LIKE THERE’S A 19 JUST KILL HIMand JUST SOCIETYand IN THE AIRand SHOUTS TO BARRICKand TORMENT STANDING ON THE EDGE OF THE WALL AT EAST WIVES THE END OF LAST SEASON LAUNCHING ZERO SPHERESand EURO ARROWS AT THE NIKE SHOT MY DUDES TAKE A FULL COURSE EVEN MAYBE WE KNOW YOUand TELL YOU THAT HE’S ALWAYS HAD BLUE EYES SURFING DOWN ALL THE DISTANCE BROUGHT TO LIGHT RUNNING TO WORK ON THE IS WHAT THEY’RE LIKE YOU ANYTHING THAT WAS EPISODE ONE THIS IS THE EPISODE ONE OF TALK WITH THRONES WERE JASON ATENCIO MALLORY RUBEN I AM CHRIS RYAN KEEP UP WITH THE WRITER ALL WEEK WE GOT AMAZING PODCASTSand ARTICLESand VIDEOS FOR YOU TO CHECK OUT OKAY WITH THRONESand WILL BE BACK HERE NEXT SUNDAY AFTER DOOR GAME OF THRONES WILL SEE THAT Will off the Raiders game of thrones after show this is our after the series show I am Chris Ryan that is Jason conceptualand this is Valerie Rubin we have watched all game of thrones on multiple time is overand we are here to talk to you about how her feelings about it you know we watch the finale on Sunday night process we talked about on top of thrones talked about it on podcast talked about in our personal lives strip is richand fulfilling one we have talked about it not not but I’m sure CDS have any different perspective now that it’s been a Skull Couple Heart Shape You And Me We Got This Poster couple of days Jason started with you all really having lot as well as I think it as you as I get farther from it some of the better moments stand out more of the first half of the season I thought was really strongand really good episode tonight is 17 as I think will stand as one of the great episodes of game of thronesand evens up in the Raiders yet even even in the evening as it we entered like the back half after a long night there’s moments in there that that stand out as well I think that those will come to be finally is the kind of heat from the finale guys down Valerie Rubin Christopher Ryan game of thronesand the said you my dear friendand colleague boy I say they do a lot of emotions a lot the process I think that I am still in many ways processing the seasonand series finaleand much of the season I similarly Jason you know the things I loved about the season I find myself latching on to the meaning doesn’t totally align with the reality of what know for example I just like to to Jamie’s character arcand with writing brief you perhaps you gotta be putting up the finale itself I brought him a time that will haveand I found you know really like a lot of exhilarationand emotion in the first 40 minutesand in the closing montage with the Starks characters that I love so much I sorta does feel like the Dragon pit was like a fever so again lows you are will stand throughout time as a while jokingly seeing the light like I I still maintain that that drove on flying off with Dannyand his whole clown vault was like that 40 minutes that were made to show her you were sorting the writableand then it turns out is actually in Brenda’s mind I might is like you we start talking about game of thrones cause I professionally what one time ago but surgeries after shows around season six like for season six I guessand if you told me at the beginning season 6A that this is how game of thrones is goodand I doing okay but free good that’s uninteresting that they can there’s a Circe battle there’s the nurses told Garyand this kinda comes outand that’s how it wraps up I just never would’ve guessed that the sort of final 20 yards would’ve played out the way they did yeah absolutely I find myself liking all of the spectacle on the grandeurand pretty comfortable with the actual final destinationsand landing spots are mostly charactersand still do sort of wishing that we had more time to get thereand I think of season sevenand eight have each been the standard episodes we would have a lot fewer questions about how we got from point a to you a lot of the discourse around the shortened time frames been aroundand fairly so that Danny her turn to despotism but it really stands out the most with brand with brand being elevated to King this is a guy who the pitch for him into areas where this here’s the person with the best story you that story was not on the shofar sees you that so in that sense you know you said to me the inheritance back in season 56 like that’s really interesting I hope they’re laying the groundwork for that right right nowand some of it just didn’t seem like a got there especially particular brand stuff as well brand is obviously spent a lot of time kind of give your thoughts about how the last season when the last few episodes went quickly I would like to make a pivot towards maybe some more celebratory aspects of of of of the discourse yes well that positiveand so now what did the show mean to you personally shout out this game of thrones to the totality of that sort of start with the tears right awayand I’m glad I will also run things my lifeand like I mean that sincerely it’s been an increase writable part of my professional life has brought me great joy to discuss it with colleaguesand people I care about immenselyand know this question in some ways does connect to the first one how is about the ending because I think that as we move further for the way for meaning caring is one of the cool things about the show in community around it is that we also can easilyand interrogated it in a way that stems from how much we loved itand that will not go awayand it will always be reasonable to ask questions about it but I think we will just the further removed we are from the final moment find ourselves really thinking about the things we loveand gratitude that I haveand a lot of us have for being able to share this thing togetherand I think with a lot of things in life right now the digital age you gotta feel very aloneand not to like channel my inner tear in here but a great story can really bring people togetherand game of thrones to what you that’s what I mean ice I feel the same way on it moreand strictand pragmatic level it’s been great to be employed these last few years avoid that go to Trader Joe’s like when I can buy food this is goodand then I’d them all my landlord the first month of this writer will unite it’s just incredible story I think you I’ve come to the place with the books where I appreciate the world buildingand whether or not he gets to the ending I think that part of it will stand alone just there are many stories that you can fall into is totally as dishonest argument thronesand I think that’s the thing I really appreciate about this is this this fully realize world that you can fall intoand explore every part of it back through the history of this fictional history across this fictional globe we think it’s a globe you might be shaped like a globe commissioned like an egg one but just as a way to escape the worldand I really value that you is for me you know I just echo your both of you guys thought this but obviously one of the sore central thread throughout like this last decade of my professional career for the most part so it’s been a really like meaningful spike presence in my life but anything I think it is been really fascinating really awesome to see how many different ways there are to appreciateand enjoy itand how well of certain departments of of the world like on portersand like that you can cut itand how you’re supposed to enjoy it people can have game of thrones their life as a trashy beach read or as like a test or as a fine piece of art to be regarded as like from a visual standpoint or its launch the careers of 23 dozen people that will probably be watching for the next 20 years of our lives and’s that that that that sort of blossoming of all these different things that will kind of always be feeling the ripple effect the shows are really over your knowledge of the books but also because as you guys proved with about it something that actually does withstand repeated viewings looking for different nooksand crannies of it looking under the hood a little bit like how they make this workand why why do they do thisand why not even picking wages actually like thinking about the mechanics of story thinking about the mechanics ofand also thinking about real life stuff like historyand loyaltyand betrayaland familyand nationhoodand all that stuff that is all wrapped up in the shows like I thank you for giving me so much inspiration to think about stuff like that I was really wonderful freeand it’s just such a good way in richand rewarding text whether or not the books or the show the shelf courses a text toand being able to return to it constantly the way you think about a story is on the one hand kind eternaland constant if you love itand it’s this really steady most comfort that the course your life but also the way relatable change in the context of your lifeand give them a man that’s pretty exciting to think about what EOT. As he was 15 years old from West Orange New Jersey shaving off. Was on the wheel fortunate raises some and lowers other some low and it just keeps going so this is not some horrible permanent situation that we are that we are in in the past we really didn’t know how good we had under Obama did me I surely didn’t send the reading on her memory under her memory by voting a Chris I know your heart is heavy I know everybody’s heart is heavy but on her memory by she she she never gave up she never she never gave up six of swords based on pentacles while we have to be be very very careful when you vote Linda I know your heart is happy I know all in this together where this together okay on Angel spark sitting here having chills thinking about what’s to come are going to be okay were going to get through this Chris I agree she never gave up we can’t give up now exactly honor her by voting honor her by carrying on brainiac I totally agree with that asked for an early Christmas present a certain couple of chestnuts roasting on an open fire Rachel starting on a very careful when you go

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It was interesting she thinks it discovered that she thinks that Ron was actually the makingand she wanted to reason why was pretty new to me to on the results ordering in the will check it out yetand is drawn to it so I guess I missed the gown number eight is what ofand then she said she feels like are you kill Danny albedo I’ll be okay with I was in a runand run ship as well as my by if we were to read it I know Guidry is the other one the fuck are you on all you we don’t yet he one like him a much seasonand he has a claim to the throne that’s not a formal line of madness is a would say this what makes Soares the main sword fight he got his first reason Terry got hook like that until the third is part of the story for I think you are you evil triathlete he’s a long distance runner long distance paddler with the third would be but Amara I sent I’m glad the shows fucking over I decided to do what he needed that much I’m just angry about it is wrestling on TV right now is ischemic throatsand don’t don’t let in the salutation about the room it for what it was in high pool due in orders you literally we say here for a while know how long 30 minutes talking about intricacies of the character plotsand you wrote to me that she felt bad it’sand they do their doing now spoils the rest like I will share this with you on the future when in the future I would like to the spin off the air for what 10 years I still don’t know washes friends eyes to watch the wire I’m never gets to watch game of thrones I’m never to be like watching enthralled you will believe the show because they’re going to get like six to the six seasonand what the RIVER five seasonsand I meet someone who didn’t watch game of thronesand I was excited like I met a virgin who didn’t realize there was something cool out there likely to do a little of this great event that’s what sex is a that’s what David would like to you don’t know I envy that you have this life experience that you haven’t started on yetand now I still goodand I recommend people I wouldn’t recommend it to someone to watch is a good show because seasons are still so so good that even with the enemy away ending I think I think the know it is the top 510 show a question that is yet so easily with a shitty ending is still better than most stuff but if if if can turn arrow survives I will test it out if anybody but John kills her I also will not like that at all I I would be happy if we get a little twist their right John are in the that good guy the hero the perfect person first eight years now what killer number is up north just you know is traveling in the ran for six that it’s okay with John Snow back to his this new way to go about your condition you if he goes back to the wall what would be the point of that would be practical from nowand be gross you will share with you in the wild that would be a logical form would be goldplated retarded he didn’t like the wall like I don’t know we like to be in the nights watch the actual issue curriculum is one he liked being in charge of itand he was all honorable about it more watch experience like you to remember him always having something horribly wrong he wasn’t a fighter he was like a cook or clean or something like that he wasn’t a leader in although is stupid thank you. McLaughlin to talk to and learn something from her you want to share with your daughter while I think the most surprising thing with that conversation with Carly was that know she is a supermodel even deals with body image issues and I think that says a lot since November at some everybody struggles with is a supermodel who literally gets paid to to you have the ideal body type are the ideal look so that I think that’s that’s one thing but also it is is coming to the unreal expectations and standards that we put on people it’s it’s unfair and I want my daughter to hear that somebody like is for a long time and is is there such a consummate professional even deals with that because he knows it’s not fair to a lot a lot of people a lot of girls little girls around the world so I think it’s very important for very young people do now and that’s important here talking working on yourself but also the same time for me to getting ourselves embroiled in remembering perfect but we can make our life See Other related products: Skull Couple Heart Shape You And Me We Got This Poster

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DRY DREAMS OF FURTHERING THE EITHER CRYING OR EXPLAINING YOUR GIGGLING THE STORY FOR SO LONG WE’VE BEEN AWAY FROM THESE CHARACTERS FOR SO LONGand JUST TO BE WITH THEM TO BE BACK IN THIS WORLD IS REALLY SPECIAL SEEING JOHN RECEIVE THIS INFORMATION ABOUT WHO HE IS ASSUMING THAT PEOPLE WHENEVER YOU CAME TO THE STORY IN WHATEVER WAY BOOKS SHOW SOME COMBINATION HE WONDERED ABOUT THISand WAITED FOR THEM TO FINALLY SEE IT WAS REALLY SPECIAL AMENITIES AT ALL THESE REUNIONS NOW ARE YOU SEEING THE INJURY ARE YOU SEEING JOHN JOHNSON BRAND LIKE THE LIST GOES ONand ON IT WAS JUST REALLY COMPLICATEDand VERY FRAUD IN A WAY TO FILTER THE STORY IT WAS ALSO REALLY SHOULD ONLY START TO KNOW I RIGHT NOW WHICH IS HOW WILL HAVE TO ARRANGE WILL DEFINITELY PROBABLY NEED TO BRING LIKE A DESIRE CDI BUDGET IS ALSO IS A QUICK BREAKand WILL BE RIGHT BACK ON TOP OF ROOMS AFTER THIS IS CRYSTALLINE CULTURAL IMPACT APPEALS TO DIEHARD GENRE PEOPLE ALSO HAS REACHED INTO THE PUBLIC CONVERSATION TO SAY MY DIVINITIES THE UNSECURED PAYMENT ADDRESS QUESTIONS LINE ON HASSAN’S ON THE WEDNESDAY BENJAMIN IS A DEEP DIVE LOOK AT EACH IMMIGRANT UPSET EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE ABOUT THE MOUNTAIN WHO IS STILL WITH US THOUGHand ON OUR COVERAGE ON RINGER WITH SINISTER and IT’S A BRAND NEW Cast AS YOU CAN ONLY WE ARE BACK ON SOFTER THROWING STICKS FOR JOINING US I TALKED TO THRONES IF YOU GUYS WANT TO REACH OUT TO USand WE NOW WE GET TO A SEGMENT OF THE DYING I CAN’T WAIT TO GET TO THIS ONE IS A FIREand ICE WINNER OF THE WEEK DELIVERED BY HOUSE WAYS A REALLY SMALL FROSTY WHEN YOU ORDER DELIVERY OF THE WENDY’S SPICY CHICKEN COMBO USING THE PROMO CODE HOUSE WENDY’S ON DOOR HIS DELIVERY AT ON THE WEEK MALLORY EXTREMELY CHALLENGING TO LOCK IN ON BECAUSE ALL I CAN WITHOUT ANY FEAR THEY ARE THROWN BUT HE DOESN’T WANT THAT IT’S A BIRDand IT’S VERY COMPLICATED GENRE TO DRAGON BUT ANDROPAUSE WATCHING HIM WHILE HE TRIED HAS ACCESS TO ALL OF YOU IS BEST TO SCHEDULE GOING WITH SANS THE BECAUSE THE PERSON WHO SEEMED MOST IN CONTROL OF LIKE THE COURAGE OF HER CONVICTIONand ALSO HAD THE MOST OTHER PEOPLE EITHER ADVOCATING FOR HER WERE SAYING LIKE SEEMS TO HAVE LIKE REALLY FIGURED OUT THIS EMAIL COURSE DANNY WAS NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE SHE WAS SAYING WHY DOES YOUR SISTER NOT LIKE AND OR RESPECTIVELY BUT SEEM TO HAVE A PRETTY GOOD YOU HAVE TO BE MY FRIEND BUT SHE HAS TO RESPECT HIMand THAT WAS REAL HE GOT A WRITER HE’S BEEN ALONE THIS WHOLE TIME HIS BEST ELI SIRI ON JAVELINS FRONT HIS EYES TO HIS ROOMMATE FOR MANY YEARS UNDER THE MINUTE THE SWEET YOU ARE JUST CHILLING DOWN THERE EATING DUDESand GOATSand WHATEVER ELSEand NOW HE’S FINALLY GOT HOLD ONLY RIDE ON A GREAT ONE THANK YOU BECAUSE SO OFTEN THROUGHOUT THE STORY WE SAID WHY DANNY GIVING THIS AREA IS ALL ONLY JUST ROOM TO GROW IN ROME BUT YOU RIGHT AFTER HE HAS HIS AUTHORITARIAN SAYINGS THAT A GET A SECOND IN THE MIX FINALLY WONDERFUL FOR VEGGIESand WHAT ARE THE WEAK MALWARE OF THE WEEK WAS ON THE JESUS YOU A LOSER I AM A LOSER IT’S NEURON GRADE IS DEFINITELY NOT GETTING INVITED BACK TO THE FANTASY SWEET AFTER LOSING HIS PRIZE CAPTIVE BECAUSE HE WAS UP IN THE FANTASY SUITES RIGHT LIKE COME ON MY GUY IS STRONGER LOCK ON JUST SOMETHING TO MY ARE THE WEEK IS I IS KHYBER BECAUSE CLAIRE WHEN HE SAID THE WALL JOB HE WAS VERY EXCITED FOR A REUNION WITH ALL OF THESE REANIMATED CORPSES THEY COULDN’T WAIT TO USERS IS HANDLING DEBTS MY LOSER OF THE WEEK IS PROBABLY THE ELEPHANT TRADERS OF THE GOLDEN COMPANY UNDERSTAND HOW IF YOU ARE A HIGH LEVEL ANIMAL TRAINER WAS GETTING ELEPHANTS READY FOR BATTLE LIKE PRESUMABLY IS AS THEY WERE FOR MERCENARY GROUP I WOULD IMAGINE THAT THAT HAPPENS RELATIVELY FREQUENTLY BUT THERE’S LIKE THIS CATCH REALLY DON’T LIKE LONG SEA VOYAGES SO STUPID LIKE WHERE THE ACTION THAT YOU GOT WHERE IS HIS FIRST ROLE IS THE DISPUTED LAND LET’S BE FAIR THERE MAKE ANOTHER MAKING THEIR THEY’RE NOT IN THE DISPUTED LANDS IMAGINE CIRCE’S YELP REVIEW OF PROMPT RESPONDED TO MY EMAILS LOVED HIS NAME TO REMEMBERand DIDN’T SEEM TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU’RE ON CHILDREN’S GUYSand A GAMBLING GAME GONE WRONG BUT REALLY OBSESSED WITH ELEPHANT SHOW WHILE WE RUSHED BY I WAS LIKE THE CIRCUS LEFT TOWN THAT WAS WATER IN THE MANAGERS OF ELEPHANTS JUST NEED TO NEED TO STRICKLAND DID LOOKING LIKE THAT WITH YOUR ON I THINK THAT ACTUALLY THEY SEEM TO HAVE ATTENTION ALREADYand EVEN WONDERING IF MAYBE NEURON IS AGAIN FAMOUSLY THE COMPANY NEVER BROKE THE CONTRACT WE WONDERED IF MAYBE THE LOGISTICS OF NEURON BEING THE ONE TO RETRIEVE THEM WOULD MAKE THEM LOYAL TO HIMand SAID ASSERTION BACKand BE A PART OF WAS AT SOME POINT BUT THE HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND THAT STRICKLAND IS HAS NO INTEREST IN DEALING WITHand HERE I GET CUT OUT OF THIS IS A WAY HE’S A DANGEROUS MAN SO WHAT IS HE GOING TO DO THAT IF HE GOES ROGUE WAS HE THINK ABOUT HIS COUSIN ROD STRICKLANDand HIS CAREER IS BE A FOCUS SAY NOW IS OUR FIREand ICE WINNER OF THE WEEK DELIVERED BY ASSET HOUSE WENDY’S LET’S GET INTO THE SMALL COUNCIL WERE ON TWITTER WERE TALKING ON TWITTER ATTACHED ROSE TO SEND US YOUR QUESTIONS CAN SEND US YOUR COMMENTS OR THEORIES IF YOU GOT ANY GOT A COUPLE OF HITS FROM THE SMALL COUNCILS LET’S SEE THOSE NOW THE FIRST ONE I GOT HERE COMES FROM DAVID OXMANand HE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT DID YOU GUYS THINK OF THE NEW OPENING SO MUCH TODAY HAS A LOT THERE ANYTHING YOU GUYS REMEMBER FROM THE OLD IT’S A VERY VERY DETAILED YET THERE’S A LOT THERE I WILL SAY SO ONE THING I NOTICED I COULD BE WRONG BUT IF YOU NOTICE THE TARGET AREAand PORTION OF THE CRYSTAL FIRST OF ALL WINNERS ALLand SO THEY MADE IT DARKER THE TARGET AREAand PORTION IS VERY INTERESTING BECAUSE LIKE ON THE FAR LEFT IS THAT IS THAT LIKE IT IS THAT THE BLEEDING SARIS AT THE MEETING IS THAT THE METEOR THAT’S FALLING LATER THAT GOES WITH LIKE WHEN THE PRINCES PROMISES MUST BE I MEAN IT SEEMS TO BE SOME KIND OF LIKE FALLING ASTROID METEOR WHICH IS VERY INTERESTING OBVIOUSLY WE NEED TO GET LIKE A LOT DEEPER INTO IT BUT YEAH THERE’S A LOT TO DIGEST THEREand THAT’S ONE OF THE FIRST PACKAGES LIKE A PARSE EVERY SHOT THAT SEEING THE WALL YOU KNOW THAT THE WALL FALLING ALSO JUST HAVING THAT IS LIKE OUR ENTRY INTO YE RIGHT WHERE WE LEFT OFF WITH THE VIKINGS ARMY MARCHING THROUGH BUT AGAIN JUST CONFIRMATION THAT THIS FORCE YOU WHEN ARTERIES ARE PROCESSINGand WOLLASTON THROUGH IT ALL JUST TO BE REMINDED THAT IS NOT TRUE IT WASN’T FOR THAT ACTUALLY BUT IT’S NOT SURE NOW IS IS A VERY EFFECTIVE WAY TO GROUND YOURSELF IN THE STORY AGAIN RIGHT AWAYand AGAIN SEEN THE CRAP SAMMY HAD WE NEEDED MORE CONFIRMATION OF THE CRIPS OR TO PLAY A PIVOTAL ROLE THE SEASON BUT WE CERTAINLY GOT IT EASY PERCENT BUT IS USUALLY PUT IT IN THE INSURANCE LIKE OF EUGENIA ANNALEE EMMONS SHE TREATS OUT IS BEST WRITTEN SO FAR VOTING FOR THEO’S WELL DESERVED HEAD BUT I WAS A PRETTY GOOD ONE DID YOU A FAVOR REUNION EXAM FOR BEST ANYTHING OUT THERE JAMIE I JEANNIE BRAND THERE’S LIKE THE SYMMETRY IS GREATand LIKE THE YOU KNOW THE THINGS AS YOU SAID THE THINGS THAT YOU DO THAT HE DID FOR LOVE PUSH BRANDON OUT OF A WINDOWand HE’S DOING THINGS FOR DIFFERENT REASONS NOW WHICH HAS BROUGHT THEM BACKand THAT LIKE YEAH YEAH BRANDS YOU ANYTHING FOR HIS IS OF REACTIONS ANYTHING BUT ONE THAT I THOUGHT WAS INTERESTING WAS LIKE I WAS A ROOTSTOCK ABOUT HOW JAMES CAN HAVE A ROUGH GO OF IT ONCE EVERYBODY FINDS OUT HE’S THERE REALLY KNOW HIS INTENTIONS BETTER THAN ANYONE RIGHT I CAN AS ENEMY HE’S JUST HE TOLD ME I’M NOT NOT RANSACKING RELIGIOUS HE’S LEFT A PART OF HIS LIFE BEHIND I WOULD BE VERY COMPELLING FOR SAW HIM REENGAGE WITH HIS HUMANITY THAT THIS SEASON BUT HE IS GOOD TO BE ULTIMATELY PROBABLY OKAY WITH EDGING SHAFFER ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE MIGHT LIKE MASTERINGand OTHER THAN THAT ONE WHICH WAS ALWAYS A WONDERFUL SPACE PROBABLY ARIand JOHNand ARI AGAIN JURY YOU I FOUND THOSE BOTH VERY ELECTRIC FOR DIFFERENT REASONSand AGAIN JUST LOVE THESE STORYTIME COMPLEXITY OF HAVING ARIA ADVOCATE FOR SIGNS IN THAT EXCHANGEand IT JUST WOULD BE VERY EASY TO SLIP BACK INTO ARIANA JOHN GRUBB’S BEST FRIENDSand RNS EITHER DIDN’T JOHN DIDN’T REALLY REALLY APPRECIATE MOVING BEHIND AS ALL THESE CHARACTERS HAVE MATURED BRAIN CONFLICT TALKS ABOUT HOW HE’S DIFFERENT BUT ARE YOU JUST SEEMS TO IT’S LIKE A REALLY AMAZINGLY NUANCED PERFORMANCE BY VISIBLY BECAUSE SHE’S GOT HER LIKE SHE’S STILL OF THE WORLD SHE DOESN’T JUST GET TO ROLL AROUND IT IS BUICK I’M HAVING A VISION SHE’S BUT SHE’S SO MUCH FROM YOU SO PROFOUNDLY CHANGED BY ALL THE TRAINING SHE’S GONE THROUGH ALL THE EXPERIENCESand TRAUMAS SHE’S GONE THROUGH IS INCREDIBLE I LOVE ALAMOand JOHN IS LIKE REGARDING NEIL’S I CAN BE USED FOR OR FIVE TIMES A YEAR THIS IS FROM CD GORDON WITH A GREAT TWITTER HANDLE ACTUALLY DEFECTIVEand BEFORE I READ CDS TREE I JUST WAS A THESE GUYS ARE DOING AS THE MINISTER JASON WILL BE OBVIOUS IN WRITING IS AMAZING AT THE Mr COLUMN ON THE RINGER SO IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS HIT HIM UP WITH THOSEand CD GORDON ASKED WAS HARRY STRICKLAND BROUGHT TO WESTERN ROASTS SO THAT JOHN COULD END UP WITH BLACK FIRE IS FOR A LANEand EXPLAIN WHAT THAT MEANS IS SO LIKE LEAST THE COMPANY OF THE TOP THE GOLDEN COMPANY WAS FOUNDED BY DISAFFECTED MEMBERS OF THE EXTENDED TARGET AREAand FAMILY THESE WERE THE GREAT PASTORS WHO WERE FATHERED BY EGON THE UNWORTHY WHO WAS A VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY BAD KING SC WAS EXTREMELY PROFLIGATE HAD A LOT OF KIDSand HE GAVE ON THE CONQUEROR SWORD TO ONE OF HIS PAST HURTSand THAT WAS SEEN AS LEGITIMIZING THAT PORTION OF FAMILIES CAUSE THE CIVIL WAR THE BLACK FIRES LOST THEY THE SURVIVING MEMBERS THEN FLED TO SOS WHERE SOME OF THEM FOUNDED THE GOLDEN COMPANY INCLUDING ABEL RIVERS ANOTHER ONE OF THESE GREAT PASTORS WHO FLED WITH THE SWORD BLACK FIRE DISORDERLY ON THE CONQUEROR SO DO THEY STILL DO THE PHYSICAL INCOME IS THE SWORDand DO THEY STILL IDENTIFY WITH THIS OFFSHOOT TARGETING HOUSE TBD BUT IT’S PRETTY INTERESTING TO CONSIDER THE FACT THAT THERE’S NOT A LOT OF TIME TO LIKE FILL THAT UP BUT IT’S PASSING THINK THAT THEY MIGHT BE IF WHAT VALUE WOULD THAT WAS JUST HILARIOUS AS IS THE WORLD OTHER THAN HE ON THE ONE I THINK THAT JOHN’S RELATIONSHIP WITH LONG CLAWS OF LAND SALES FOR THE YEAR C4 COMMANDER MORE HAS BEEN LIKE ONE OF THE REAL HEARTBEATS OF THE SHOWand IS LITERALLY ALL OF THE NORTHand JOHN NEEDS TO BE ANYTHING TO REMIND HIMSELF THAT HE IS SO UNLIKE IN TRADING FOR A TARGET AREA WOULD BE VERY SMALLand SYMBOLICand IN A WAY THAT YOU FEEL TOTALLY RIGHT TO ME HOWEVER IF LONG LIFE IS LOSTand WE HAD THAT TRAILER THEY WERE WAS HERE POSTER THAT WE GOT IN THE TRAILER OF THE SNOW COVERING WINTERS ON THE BATTLE WRECKAGEand LONG CLAWS IN THERE NOW IS THAT LITTLE FOR YEARS ABOUT WHAT WE DON’T KNOW BUT THERE IS A COMPELLING ONE I WAS IN THE RECORD BUT THERE IS A VIDEO JOHN WIELDING BLACK FIRE HIS 88 ON THE CONQUERORS SWORDand MANY ARIANA FINDING DARK SISTER IS SAYING HE IS WHY SWORD WHICH WE HEARD HER TALK ABOUT SHE MENTIONED THIS IS HIGH WHEN YOU HAVE OFFICE AS A HEROINE OF HERS I THINK THAT YOU YOU YOU I MOST GIRLS LIKE YOUR AGE TO CARE ABOUT THE EXCESS OF WAS INTO THREE EYED RAVEN THIS IS OUR SECOND HEAD TOWARDS THE COMING EPISODE SPECIFICALLY NEXT SUNDAY’S EPISODE IF I HAVE TO GUESS THAT SEEMED A LITTLE BIT LIKE A STORM CLOUD GATHERING EPISODE RIGHT BEFORE FOR SURE WE GET IT IN OUR HOMES DEPARTED INVERTED EPISODES BY EITHER ANYTHING YOU GUYS SAW IN THE TRAILER FOR COMING SOON NEXT WEEK THAT YOU THOUGHT WOULD BE AN INTERESTING CLUE THEIR REVIEWERS WOULD BE BE INTO NECESSARILY IN THE TRAILER BUT I DO THINK WAS I DON’T KNOW IF THE GOLDEN COMPANY LIKE HAVE BLACK FIRE PRETENSIONS OR BUT IT DOES FEEL LIKE HE DIDN’T BRING THESE PEOPLE OVERand THEY JUST HAVE THE MOTIVATION OF LIKE MAKING I FEEL LIKE THERE’S ANOTHER THERE’S ANOTHER LEVEL THAT WERE GOING TO DISCOVER WITH THEM THEY HAVE LIKE THEIR OWN MOTIVATIONSand AS YOU NOTED HE LOOKED PRETTY PISSED THAT YOU’RE ON LIKE TO SLAUGHTERING HIS DUDES I THINK THAT THERE’S GOING TO BE SOMETHING OUT THEY WANT SOMETHING ELSE WHEN YOU WERE THE FIRST THURSDAY THEY WORK WELL THEY WERE EVER GAVE THEM A COLLECTION YES OF THE YEAR I WENT OVERand PAID WEEKLY WORK FOR YOUR THE IRONY IS USED THEM BEFORE WE HEARD THIS COME UP IN A CONVERSATION WITH CIRCE ABOUT HER PAYING HER DEBTS ARE LED EARLIER SEASONS BUT THEY’VE BEEN USED TO RETRIEVE GOLD FOR THE IRON BANK BEFORE WHOEVER PAYS A CONTRACT TO THE AIRPORTand WE DON’T KNOW WHO THAT IS TECHNICALLY IT SHOULD BE CIRCE BUT WHAT’S THE FINE PRINT WE DON’T KNOW ME THE MOST INTERESTING THING IN THE TRAILER OBVIOUSLY ALL OF THE JAMIE EXCHANGES IN A DANNY CHALLENGING JAMIE IS GOING TO BE A PRETTY CRAP HE’S BASICALLY ON TRIAL VICTORY WAS A LOT OF FORESHADOWING FOR THE BATTLE EITHER BEGINNING OR WILL GET THE DEFICITS CALLED WINTER FELLand AND THEN WE QUICK SHOT OF WHAT APPEAR TO BE DANNY WITH JOHN KREPS SO SHE IS SHE DIDN’T TELL HER DOWN THERE BECAUSE I THINK THERE COULD BE A STORYTIME PACK HERE WHERE JOHN IN THE CLASSIC THERE’S NO TIME FOR THAT I WAS LOOKING FOR HE SAYS NOW HAS TO WAITand THAT THAT’S POST BATTLE BUT JOHN’S CASEand WITHOUT SAYING BY THE WAY ON YOUR UNIT IS ACTUALLY TO COME UP AT SOME POINT WITH HER IS NOT THE WIDER REALM SO HIM CHOOSING TO REVEAL THAT IN THE CRIPS TO BE VERY POWERFUL I THINK ONE THING I KEEP THINKING ABOUT WAS THE THE WAY IN WHICH OF THE 19 ACROSS THE WALL OBVIOUSLY WAS WITH THE DRAGON THE ICE DRAGON I WONDER HOW FAST TO GET YOUR DRAGON FIGHT LIKE IF YOU WITH THE DRAGON LIKE WHAT WE CAN GET SOMETHING REALLY GNARLY REALLY FAST MAYBE EPISODE THREE BUT IT SEEMS LIKE WHENEVER THEY SEE THE END OF THE TRAILER FOR C EPISODE TWO SCARES THE HELL OUT OF WE DON’T SEE THE NIGHT CAME ORVIS AREAand IN ANY OF THE SEASONING TRAILERS ANYTHING SO THAT BE BECAUSE THE 19 IS NOT ACTIVE ADULT SEEMS HIGHLY UNLIKELY RIGHT SO SOME SORT OF DRAMATIC ARRIVAL WHY IS JOHN WRITINGand DRAGGING OUT OBVIOUSLY THAT MATTER IDENTITY IS IS ISSUED IS ISRAEL PARAMOUNT BUT THERE’S ALSO THE PRACTICAL STORYTELLING IMPACT OF THAT WHICH IS ONE WAY THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE CAN ESCAPE QUICKLY IF THEY NEED TO EVER MAKING CLIENT ON THAT DRAGON WITH HIM A LOT TO ME LIKE PEOPLE BUT ARIEL THAT YOU KNOW IT IS NOW THAT IF YOU KILL A LIGHT WALKER ALL OF THE WHITES OF THAT WATER YOU ALSO FALLand IT IS ALSO CAME IN FROM THE CONVERSATION WITH WAYNE WHEN BARRICK COMES UP TO JOHN IS LIKE THERE’S A 19 JUST KILL HIMand JUST SOCIETYand IN THE AIRand SHOUTS TO BARRICKand TORMENT STANDING ON THE EDGE OF THE WALL AT EAST WIVES THE END OF LAST SEASON LAUNCHING ZERO SPHERESand EURO ARROWS AT THE NIKE SHOT MY DUDES TAKE A FULL COURSE EVEN MAYBE WE KNOW YOUand TELL YOU THAT HE’S ALWAYS HAD BLUE EYES SURFING DOWN ALL THE DISTANCE BROUGHT TO LIGHT RUNNING TO WORK ON THE IS WHAT THEY’RE LIKE YOU ANYTHING THAT WAS EPISODE ONE THIS IS THE EPISODE ONE OF TALK WITH THRONES WERE JASON ATENCIO MALLORY RUBEN I AM CHRIS RYAN KEEP UP WITH THE WRITER ALL WEEK WE GOT AMAZING PODCASTSand ARTICLESand VIDEOS FOR YOU TO CHECK OUT OKAY WITH THRONESand WILL BE BACK HERE NEXT SUNDAY AFTER DOOR GAME OF THRONES WILL SEE THAT Will off the Raiders game of thrones after show this is our after the series show I am Chris Ryan that is Jason conceptualand this is Valerie Rubin we have watched all game of thrones on multiple time is overand we are here to talk to you about how her feelings about it you know we watch the finale on Sunday night process we talked about on top of thrones talked about it on podcast talked about in our personal lives strip is richand fulfilling one we have talked about it not not but I’m sure CDS have any different perspective now that it’s been a Sword Dual Wielding Vintage Retro T Shirt couple of days Jason started with you all really having lot as well as I think it as you as I get farther from it some of the better moments stand out more of the first half of the season I thought was really strongand really good episode tonight is 17 as I think will stand as one of the great episodes of game of thronesand evens up in the Raiders yet even even in the evening as it we entered like the back half after a long night there’s moments in there that that stand out as well I think that those will come to be finally is the kind of heat from the finale guys down Valerie Rubin Christopher Ryan game of thronesand the said you my dear friendand colleague boy I say they do a lot of emotions a lot the process I think that I am still in many ways processing the seasonand series finaleand much of the season I similarly Jason you know the things I loved about the season I find myself latching on to the meaning doesn’t totally align with the reality of what know for example I just like to to Jamie’s character arcand with writing brief you perhaps you gotta be putting up the finale itself I brought him a time that will haveand I found you know really like a lot of exhilarationand emotion in the first 40 minutesand in the closing montage with the Starks characters that I love so much I sorta does feel like the Dragon pit was like a fever so again lows you are will stand throughout time as a while jokingly seeing the light like I I still maintain that that drove on flying off with Dannyand his whole clown vault was like that 40 minutes that were made to show her you were sorting the writableand then it turns out is actually in Brenda’s mind I might is like you we start talking about game of thrones cause I professionally what one time ago but surgeries after shows around season six like for season six I guessand if you told me at the beginning season 6A that this is how game of thrones is goodand I doing okay but free good that’s uninteresting that they can there’s a Circe battle there’s the nurses told Garyand this kinda comes outand that’s how it wraps up I just never would’ve guessed that the sort of final 20 yards would’ve played out the way they did yeah absolutely I find myself liking all of the spectacle on the grandeurand pretty comfortable with the actual final destinationsand landing spots are mostly charactersand still do sort of wishing that we had more time to get thereand I think of season sevenand eight have each been the standard episodes we would have a lot fewer questions about how we got from point a to you a lot of the discourse around the shortened time frames been aroundand fairly so that Danny her turn to despotism but it really stands out the most with brand with brand being elevated to King this is a guy who the pitch for him into areas where this here’s the person with the best story you that story was not on the shofar sees you that so in that sense you know you said to me the inheritance back in season 56 like that’s really interesting I hope they’re laying the groundwork for that right right nowand some of it just didn’t seem like a got there especially particular brand stuff as well brand is obviously spent a lot of time kind of give your thoughts about how the last season when the last few episodes went quickly I would like to make a pivot towards maybe some more celebratory aspects of of of of the discourse yes well that positiveand so now what did the show mean to you personally shout out this game of thrones to the totality of that sort of start with the tears right awayand I’m glad I will also run things my lifeand like I mean that sincerely it’s been an increase writable part of my professional life has brought me great joy to discuss it with colleaguesand people I care about immenselyand know this question in some ways does connect to the first one how is about the ending because I think that as we move further for the way for meaning caring is one of the cool things about the show in community around it is that we also can easilyand interrogated it in a way that stems from how much we loved itand that will not go awayand it will always be reasonable to ask questions about it but I think we will just the further removed we are from the final moment find ourselves really thinking about the things we loveand gratitude that I haveand a lot of us have for being able to share this thing togetherand I think with a lot of things in life right now the digital age you gotta feel very aloneand not to like channel my inner tear in here but a great story can really bring people togetherand game of thrones to what you that’s what I mean ice I feel the same way on it moreand strictand pragmatic level it’s been great to be employed these last few years avoid that go to Trader Joe’s like when I can buy food this is goodand then I’d them all my landlord the first month of this writer will unite it’s just incredible story I think you I’ve come to the place with the books where I appreciate the world buildingand whether or not he gets to the ending I think that part of it will stand alone just there are many stories that you can fall into is totally as dishonest argument thronesand I think that’s the thing I really appreciate about this is this this fully realize world that you can fall intoand explore every part of it back through the history of this fictional history across this fictional globe we think it’s a globe you might be shaped like a globe commissioned like an egg one but just as a way to escape the worldand I really value that you is for me you know I just echo your both of you guys thought this but obviously one of the sore central thread throughout like this last decade of my professional career for the most part so it’s been a really like meaningful spike presence in my life but anything I think it is been really fascinating really awesome to see how many different ways there are to appreciateand enjoy itand how well of certain departments of of the world like on portersand like that you can cut itand how you’re supposed to enjoy it people can have game of thrones their life as a trashy beach read or as like a test or as a fine piece of art to be regarded as like from a visual standpoint or its launch the careers of 23 dozen people that will probably be watching for the next 20 years of our lives and’s that that that that sort of blossoming of all these different things that will kind of always be feeling the ripple effect the shows are really over your knowledge of the books but also because as you guys proved with about it something that actually does withstand repeated viewings looking for different nooksand crannies of it looking under the hood a little bit like how they make this workand why why do they do thisand why not even picking wages actually like thinking about the mechanics of story thinking about the mechanics ofand also thinking about real life stuff like historyand loyaltyand betrayaland familyand nationhoodand all that stuff that is all wrapped up in the shows like I thank you for giving me so much inspiration to think about stuff like that I was really wonderful freeand it’s just such a good way in richand rewarding text whether or not the books or the show the shelf courses a text toand being able to return to it constantly the way you think about a story is on the one hand kind eternaland constant if you love itand it’s this really steady most comfort that the course your life but also the way relatable change in the context of your lifeand give them a man that’s pretty exciting to think about what EOT. In March over the tracking board headline Peter Pascal joins one room to see what is realand is Chris Pine coming back I suggested he avidly had the answer after being very cagey about his summer plans I deftly heard that day he was gearing up to returnand now we have official proof how they explain. It was those Americans our ancestors they were on the receiving end of a democracy that had fallen short all their lives they know how far the daily reality of America strayed from the and yet instead of giving up they joined together and they said some some way we are going to make this work we are going to bring those words in our founding documents to life I have seen that same spirit rising these past few years folks of every age and background who packed city centers in airports and rural road so that families would be separated so that another classroom would get shot up so our kids won’t grow up on an uninhabitable plan Americans of all races joining together to declare in the face of injustice and brutality of the hands of the state of black lives matter no more but no less to that no child in this country feels the continuing sting of racism to the young people who led us this summer telling us we need to be better in so many ways you are this country’s dreams fulfilled earlier generations had to be

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336: How to Grow Sprouts in Your Kitchen for Nutritious and Inexpensive Food With Doug Evans

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336: How to Grow Sprouts in Your Kitchen for Nutritious and Inexpensive Food With Doug Evans

Child: Welcome to my Mommy’s podcast.

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Katie: Hello, and welcome to “The Wellness Mama Podcast.” I’m Katie from wellnessmama.com and wellnesse.com, that’s wellness with an E on the end, which is our new personal care line of haircare and toothpaste that are food for your body, food for your hair, nourish you from the inside out. We think this episode is incredibly timely right now, and really practical for anyone listening but especially families, because we’re talking about a very easy, inexpensive way that you can grow some of the most nutrient-dense vegetables available in your own kitchen in a matter of days. I’m here with Doug Evans, who was an early pioneer in the health food movement. He lost his mother to cancer and his father to heart disease and he watched other family members suffer through various health problems, and invested in and co-founded several companies with a goal of helping improve the future of health in our country. He was the inventor and founder of Juicero which was a cold-pressed using system for use at home. And he also is really passionate and involved about sprouting and has written a book called “The Sprout Book.” And he lives off the water grid and the food grid on his land with private hot springs, just east of Joshua Tree, California. And sprouting is a big part of his life. He does it to a very wide degree. But today he shares his expertise and what he’s learned in ways that we can all implement this even if we have small kitchens or even truly no kitchen or no backyard, how we can all start to grow some of our own food. Very practical and very timely episode, and I think you will get a lot out of it. So without further ado, here we go.

Doug, welcome. Thanks for being here today.

Doug: Thank you so much for having me, Katie. It’s a real pleasure and an honor and I’m so excited. I was thinking about this literally all night.

Katie: Well, thank you. I’m excited to have you here. I think this is a really timely topic and an excellent one for moms because it’s so practical and so beneficial. And to start broad, actually I’d love to always start with a story. So we’re gonna go deep on sprouting today, which is something that I do at my house and I love and that you are definitely an expert in. But I always love to hear the story of how did you get into this world in the first place?

Doug: I had a really challenging upbringing and I think we all do, so I won’t go too much on that, but I got into a lot of trouble. All of my friends were on drugs and going to jail and really serious problems. And I escaped that world into another world by leaping and joining the Army. So I was a paratrooper in the US Army and that was more insane than my home life. And then from the Army, I got into graphic design and computer graphics and my life was going, I would say fairly well. I was in a relationship, I was making money, I enjoyed my work. I didn’t really have the connection of meaning and purpose that I do today, but I felt that I was doing good work and it was bringing out the best of me.

And then my aunt got diabetes and they chopped off both of her feet below her ankles. And then my uncle got heart disease and then my mom got stomach cancer. Then my father died from complications related to heart disease. And then my brother had the first of three strokes and then a heart attack and diabetes. And I thought my entire life was genetically-cursed and that I needed to really start to get my affairs in order that I just wasn’t gonna live. And I was 36 pounds heavier and just not having the best time ever. And that was kind of my wake-up call that I needed to explore changes in my life.

And I met someone who was a vegan and I’d never heard of the term “vegan” before. And she kind of enlightened me to the fact that there was a definitive connection, beyond correlated, between lifestyle and chronic illness. And that was so hard for me to believe, almost as if was the world round or flat, right? And it was so hard for me to comprehend. But once I made that connection, and that was 21 years ago, I never looked back.

Katie: Yeah. It seems crazy a little bit to think of now for me when, being where I am now. But I remember that in my journey as well. Probably close to, gosh, almost 15 years ago now. The first time I started realizing there was more to food than just calories and that it wasn’t just a matter of like how much we ate, but that the food quality really mattered so much. And it was, it’s been a long journey for me of learning what works best for my body and choosing the most nutrient dense foods. And part of that process for me has been shifting my focus from kind of the high school and college mentality about food just being calories that were tied to your weight, to food being chemistry and nutrition and vitamins and nutrients and a message that you send to your body. So rather than just looking at the amount that we eat, looking at the micronutrients and the density and what makes food really good for the body and approaching that from a perspective of nourishing the body versus ever depriving the body.

And that’s one of the reasons I like sprouts so much because they are, on the spectrum, an incredibly nutrient dense food and also an incredibly easy to grow and acquire food if you know what you’re doing, which I think is an increasingly important topic right now with everything that we have going on in the world. So to start broad, I would love for you to kind of define what are sprouts for anyone who may not be familiar and what are all the different types of sprouts?

Doug: Sure. Well, sprouts are the result of seeds coming to life. So there would be no life or plant life on the planet if there were not sprouts. And so if we go back to the seed, all plant life begins with a seed, which is a complete, living plant organism. So that’s a seed and they’re staying in this dormant state, literally waiting for the opportunity to burst into life, also known as germination. And my insight was that even though I had been sprouting for over 25 years and sprouting a lot for 21 years, I never made the connection that sprouts could be a meaningful food source as opposed to a garnish.

So the seeds themselves were, in sprouts, were popular in certain cuisines like mung beans in Asian cuisine or alfalfa sprouts for the hippy dippy trippies of the world. But the reality was there’s a whole range literally from A to Z of seeds that are now commonly sprouted, turned into food and they can go from azuki and bean sprouts and lentils and broccoli and clover and alfalfa to peas and hemp and radish. And so literally every vegetable that we know actually has a seed that can be sprouted.

Katie: Got it. So you said, I think maybe you’re right, people probably have heard of sprouts as a garnish, maybe on the sandwich or addition in a restaurant. And you said you had made the shift to thinking of them as an actual food source and not just a garnish. So explain a little bit more what that means and what kind of nutrients can we get from sprouts.

Doug: So I grew up in New York City and then I moved to California and I was toggling between Los Angeles and San Francisco. And then my life got composted. Everything that I knew from work and relationships all kind of ended. And so when it was time to begin, kind of this next chapter, I decided that I wanted to live in nature and I wanted to have space and see sunrises and sunsets. And the place that I could literally afford to do that was the desert because it’s very inexpensive. You could still buy an acre of land in the desert for $500 or $1,000. And so I decided to move to the desert. And so fortunately on my land, I have hot springs. So we have water and we have a little oasis, but we don’t have rich soil. And part of being in the desert is that you’re far away from things.

So not only am I in a desert, I’m in a food desert because I’m an hour and 15 minutes away from a Whole Foods, and the nearest restaurants are Del Taco and Burger King. So with that, I started to, and my life has still been plant-based. So I decided, how was I going to get my organic vegetables? And so I was like, “Oh, well, let me just start to sprout.” So I started to sprout some mung beans and some broccoli sprouts and some alfalfa and some peas, green peas. And there were, I think the epiphany was there was one day when I literally had no other food. It was like on a Friday, I had consumed all of my fruit from the farmer’s market. I didn’t have anything else. And this day I just ate sprouts and I felt good and I wasn’t hungry. And that kind of made the connection that, wow, I now have food sovereignty, I can grow my own food and well, I’m sure we’re going to cover it, but I was doing this in a 48-square foot kitchen without soil, without sunshine, using the most provincial, primitive sprouting tools, Mason jars, unbleached paper towels, cheesecloth and basic kitchen equipment. And all of a sudden, I was growing copious amounts of sprouts in a very small space and I was feeling great. And that was my kind of shift into sprouts.

Katie: I love that. And I think that’s a really important distinction to talk about is that unlike a garden, which I am also a huge fan of and I would guess you are, too, but sprouts don’t require outdoor space. They don’t require soil. They don’t require sunlight in the same way that the gardens do. So for people who don’t have that outdoor space, sprouts are a great alternative. And for people who do, I would say sprouts are also a great thing to use in conjunction with a garden. I’m, right now especially, I’ll just put that plug in there. I think those of us who can absolutely should garden and grow as much of our own food as we can just to support the supply chain and also because then we know where our food came from. And with sprouting, this is truly possible for essentially everyone, because you just said a 48-square foot kitchen. Did I hear that right?

Doug: That is correct. It is tiny. It is tiny, my kitchen.

Katie: And so if you can do it in that small space, you know, all of us with our, any varying size of kitchen can find space. And I’ll even say, for me, there have been times when I lived in small apartments and the kitchen was super small. You don’t actually have to grow them in the kitchen. They just need to be able to be rinsed a couple of times a day. So I’ve grown sprouts on a table in my living room before and things like that. So they’re very adaptable. Talk about like, let’s go through the basic process of sprouting for someone who’s never done it before. Walk us through kind of where they would start.

Doug: Well, I’m gonna start with broccoli sprouts because they, not only are they easy to do, they have these incredible nutrition properties. Basically, I start with filtered water or spring water and I buy organic seeds specifically designed for sprouting, which today I believe we’re very lucky because we live in a world where you can order them online and they can come in a few days. So that’s easy and we can discuss, you know, where to buy them later. But I will, I usually buy my broccoli sprouts seeds in a five-gallon bucket. And I will take one tablespoon of the seeds and add that to a Mason jar and then add about one or two ounces of water, just enough water so that the seeds are fully submerged. And then I will set that Mason jar either in the kitchen cabinet or under the cabinet and keeping it in a semi-dark space and avoiding sunlight and allowing that to sit for five hours or eight hours.

And then using cheesecloth, and they now make these really nifty lids that have a screen on them. So you can put them on top of the Mason jar or you can replace the metal plate that’s in the Mason jar with a piece of cheesecloth and screw it on top. And then I will strain the excess water from the jar and then I’ll add more water. I’ll rinse it again and then I will turn the jar upside down pretty close to, like, 90 degrees, 75 degrees. So it’s at an angle where most of the water will, all of the water will drain out but not instantly. And then I will set the jar upside down at this angle in a jar or in a tray.

I’ve recently adopted a bamboo dish drying tray, which is at a 45 degree angle and I’m keeping my Mason jars inverted in there. And then literally twice a day, in the morning and at night, I add water and then I rinse, add water, rinse, keep inverted. And within two or three days, you’ll start to see the seeds starting to burst to life and they literally grow exponentially. So within seven days, the volume of the broccoli seeds will go from something that is about a 16th of an inch diameter to something that is well over an inch of a living plant organism with leaves and a stem. And it’s picked up along the way, fiber. And we can go into the nutrition in a little bit.

And then after five days, seven days, harvest time comes where I’ll do a final rinse. I will let them sit all day without adding any water and then I’ll start to eat them or put them into the refrigerator. And there’s actually three paths that I’ll do with a finished sprout. I’ll eat it, I will refrigerate it or I’ll freeze it.

Katie: Okay. So talk about that because that’s another important thing to know is how can you store these sprouts after you said you can refrigerate it or freeze it. How does that process work?

Doug: So, because they are a fresh plant, and the operative word here is “fresh,” it has a short shelf life, so you must…refrigeration and chilling is nature’s preservative. So if you refrigerate it, you will extend the shelf life for several days. If you freeze it, you can extend the shelf life for months. And, you know, for those very few people that may have a low temperature dehydrator, you know, used for drying fruit or vegetables, you can also dehydrate them. And they’ll also last for weeks or months being dehydrated. And the ones in the refrigerator, they’re easy to use. You pull them out of the refrigerator. And what I do is literally, I want to add sprouts to every meal. So whatever I’m eating, I’m adding sprouts to them. If it’s frozen, I take them out of the glass jar, I transfer them into a Pyrex container or I have these cloth bags that are reusable bags for the farmer’s market and I put them in there.

And something I’ve recently started to do was I’ll take the sprouts, roll them into little balls and pop them into the ice tray. So I’m making broccoli sprouts ice cubes, and then I’ll add a little filtered water. So then when I’m going to make a smoothie, I pop out a few of the ice cubes, I’m able to add them to the smoothie as opposed to just ice. And there’s a secondary benefit from freezing them where it’s activating this enzyme and simulating the same benefit of massive chewing. So it’s breaking them down and releasing more of the compound sulforaphane, which we can get into. So those are the basics.

Katie: I love it. And yeah, I would love to take a little bit more of a deep dive into broccoli sprouts especially. And I have a tutorial of this and, of course, I’ll link to your book about this as well, but it’s one of my favorite sprouts not just because I think they’re delicious, but also because they have some really unique benefits. And I know there are ways we can optimize these benefits more. But you mentioned sulforaphane. And from my understanding, sulforaphane is created when an enzyme called myrosinase transformed something called glucoraphanin into sulforaphane. And then you can correct me if I’m wrong on that. But basically like from what I understand, those two things, myrosinase and glucoraphanin are found in different parts of the plant. And so you mentioned chewing or freezing or I often blend and that is supposed to help the compounds mix, I think, from what I understand. So first of all, explain what sulforaphane is and why we should all love it.

Doug: So, sulforaphane is an antioxidant compound and it exists in cruciferous vegetables. And so from broccoli and cauliflower and kale and wasabi and bok choy, the entire range of cruciferous vegetables contains this glucoraphanin and which, as you described, is the precursor to the sulforaphane. So they all have this. So the science of how this works and why this works is being deeply, deeply researched. And I’m actually doing a Zoom call recording with Dr. Jed Fahey from Johns Hopkins University, who is one of the team of scientists that discovered that broccoli sprouts and broccoli seeds have the highest level sulforaphane within the cruciferous family 20 years ago, this discovery was made or 23 years ago.

And so part of the plant’s protective mechanism is when there are pests that go to eat it, they respond by being bitter and other kind of natural defense mechanisms, so that bitterness will protect the plant. And it turns out that bitterness can have an effect on cells and the way that sulforaphane kind of works, and there’s a wide range. There was a recent white paper that I was reading that talked about how sulforaphane is being, is now being used to treat, not to cure, autism because it’s creating the same heat shock, which results when someone who has autism has a fever, they have less symptoms of the autism without getting the fever, the broccoli sprouts, a la sulforaphane, is able to create that same, a biochemical reaction in the body. And with treating this, the chemo protective properties are very powerful.

So, without doing a full discussion on antioxidants and how they work, the recommended kind of treatment, and there was probably over 150 documented research studies in 2019 on the use of broccoli sprouts, broccoli sprout extract and the myrosinase and the glucoraphanin forming the sulforaphane in healing. And people have attempted to patent these things. And the supplements are very expensive if you buy a sulforaphane supplement. But the reality is you can literally grow them for pennies a serving and eat maybe an ounce or two ounces to start gaining that benefit of this unique compound from it.

If we just shift over to a little bit more of mainstream nutrition, broccoli sprouts, one cup of broccoli sprouts, which is a few ounces of broccoli sprouts also contain about 60% of the recommended daily allowance of vitamin C. So they have, in these little sprouts, they’ve got vitamin C, they’ve got antioxidants, they’ve got the sulforaphane, they have chlorophyll, they have soluble and insoluble fiber, they have small amounts of protein. And so there’s all these things existing in a seed that you, as the mama, can nurture into development of this food. And it has been documented that all the cruciferous family has sulforaphane. Broccoli sprouts can have 20 to 50 and I’ve heard as even as high as a hundred times more of the sulforaphane of the mature broccoli, that vegetable.

Katie: Wow. Yeah, that’s really, really drastic. And part of my own personal process, I’m gonna try freezing more because that’s a great idea. But I grow these all the time kind of in rotation on my counter and I’ll make a smoothie out of broccoli sprouts and that, like you said, breaking up the broccoli sprouts can increase the sulforaphane availability as can, from what I’ve read and you can verify this, the heat. So we know that cold can, but it seems to be right about 150 degrees that there, it can increase that activity. So I’ll soak the sprouts in water at that temperature and then make it into a smoothie and add a little bit of mustard powder and then drink it immediately. I’m curious if there’s anything about that process that you would change to make it even more available.

Doug: I think that mustard seeds can also be sprouted. And are you buying mustard powder or are you using fresh mustard seeds?

Katie: I’m actually usually using just mustard seeds that grind up in the blender as well. But I have read that they can increase the sulforaphane because they also contain myrosinase.

Doug: So this is a secret that I’m happy to share, and this is something I learned after I wrote the book. The most amount of sulforaphane is in the seed itself. And as the seed grows and it sprouts and it goes into a mature vegetable, the sulforaphane or glucoraphanin content does not increase. It stays finite. So the most concentrated amount of the sulforaphane is in the seed itself. So, my secret that I do is I use a coffee grinder and I take mustard seeds and broccoli seeds and I grind them into a powder. And then you sprinkle that dust into anything if you’re looking for a high dose.

And then the most important part on consuming this food is you can’t inhale it. Like, you literally need to stare…..Like, to me, my process is I will stare at it and think about those seeds and the sulforaphane and the broccoli and the nature and the healing properties so that it’s like Pavlov’s dog. I want to be salivating and bringing up the digestive fluids and activating my body for the process of intaking this. So literally the first step for me, it’s a very meditative, surreal, serene process of using my eyes to prepare for the consumption. So that’s phase one.

Phase two is, I will then take this and literally, even though it may be in a liquid form or a blended form, I will chew that to mix this potent formula with my saliva. And by mixing with my saliva, I’m sending keys to the brain, clues and cues to the brain, which are then activating the digestive fluids in the stomach to begin the processing for the absorption. And then the next stage is swallowing it slowly and doing this in a ritualistic fashion on a relatively empty stomach, preferably an empty stomach. So there’s enough within the smoothie, you know, and I’ll add a black pepper, I’ll add a turmeric. I’ll add other more mature vegetables.

The research is actually saying that you get the most benefit when you’re combining broccoli sprouts and mature broccoli in a smoothie. And so really, I’m having this smoothie and letting it sit, letting it digest, letting the body absorb it, because otherwise it could be like eating corn where it’s going in and out without a lot of assimilation and bioavailability.

Katie: I absolutely agree. And I think that’s great advice for anything we eat, truly, is to chew it more, to be more present and to eat slowly. I think that alone can make a big difference for a lot of people in digestion knowing what we know about digestion beginning in the mouth and the enzymes necessary for the entire process and how we can optimize that just by being more conscious when we’re chewing. So I think that’s really, really good advice.

And yeah, I love all the points that you mentioned about sulforaphane and I think we could probably talk all day just about broccoli sprouts and sulforaphane and detoxification and how there are studies. I mean, it’s truly incredible. This is one of those things that I always encourage people to do because it’s so inexpensive and we’ve got studies showing that it’s good for the brain, it’s good for fighting cancer, it’s good for your heart. It increases glutathione as it’s an Nrf2 activator. People use this for weight loss. They think there’s positive effects for anti-aging, it boosts liver function. It reduces inflammation. I think as far as, I don’t think there are any silver bullets, but I think in general, this is one that is almost universally beneficial for people.

And I know I was first introduced to it by my doctor when I got diagnosed with Hashimoto’s. I had nodules on my thyroid and his advice was to start eating broccoli sprouts every day along with some other dietary interventions and some supplements and some, even at the time, pharmaceuticals, of course. But he explained that because of the compounds in broccoli sprouts, they actually show some anti-nodule, anti-tumor and anti-inflammatory activity. So for people who are struggling with any kind of inflammatory disease like an autoimmune disease, it can be really helpful. And I noticed that I really felt better the more and more I did that. And now, like I said, it’s a regular part of my life. What are some of the other favorite sprouts that you always have going in your kitchen?

Doug: I will, I love sunflower sprouts, and sunflower sprouts, which are also a quasi-microgreen, and we could talk about that in a moment, but microgreens are a relatively new category, you know, just a few decades old. But the sunflower sprouts, I love and I use as an alternative to lettuces in my salads. So they’re hearty and they’re rich. And so I love them. I recently started to like leek sprouts because they have this really spicy kind of kick to them, which can add life to a lot of things that I wasn’t prior exposed to.

I’m also, as a, someone who’s plant-based, people always ask, where do I get my omega-3s from? Do I take a supplement? And my experience with supplementing vitamin omega-3s has not been very good because I think the vitamin, the omega-3s get rancid whether you’re doing an algae supplement or a fish oil, which I’ve never done and I don’t have any plans to do it, but the plant-based omega-3s also leave a aftertaste in my mouth. Or if I burp after, or they’ll make me burp, it’s gross.

And so I was really getting into chia and making chia pudding and eating chia seeds. And about a year and a half ago, I started to sprout chia. And so now you’re getting the omega-3s and you’re getting the fiber and you’re getting the chlorophyll and you’re getting vitamin C. So, and I’m sure you remember the Chia Pet. I use an unglazed terracotta pot drip tray from plants and I soak them so that they’re wet. I sprinkle the broccoli, the chia seeds on them, and then I use a little spray mister. And within days, I have these activated chia seeds.

So I’m always working on chia, sunflower sprouts, always broccoli sprouts. I’m probably eating eight ounces of broccoli sprouts a day. And because I’m very active, my source of protein is usually sprouted green peas and sprouted garbanzo beans. And I’ve also, you know, soy, I don’t know what your opinion is on soy, but I think soy gets a bad rap in many instances. And, you know, the quality of soy is very relevant. So, organic soybeans that are sprouted are low-cost, a fraction of the cost of edamame, they taste even fresher and they’re alive. And so I’ve been using organic yellow soybeans. And that’s kind of my daily rotation.

And then I also have wheatgrass growing and I don’t have a wheatgrass juicer now, so I’m actually taking little bits of handfuls and I will chew the wheatgrass. And I’m doing it for my teeth and I’m doing it to get the nutrients from it and I just chew it, chew it, chew it. And no matter how much you chew, you will never break it down fully. So I chew it and then I remove the insoluble, undigestible fiber, roughage, and just compost that. But that chewing exercise is very good. And it’s, you have no choice. You can’t swallow that. So that’s my basic sprouting routine.

Katie: Okay. Let’s talk a little bit more about chia seeds specifically because I also love chia seeds. And people probably are familiar with Chia Pets if they remember them from back in the day. I also know how chia seeds can gel together. That’s one of their amazing properties and that’s why I use them to make chia seed pudding. Are there any special instructions when it comes to sprouting and rinsing chia seeds?

Doug: I don’t rinse them because they will become gelatinous very quickly. So, what I do is I wet, you can do this on cheesecloth, but then you’ll never get it off. So that’s why I like using the terracotta or the unglazed clay as a sprouting mechanism and medium. And it turns out the terracotta is porous and it’s breathable. So I will wet that. I will add the seeds onto it so that they’re literally touching each other. I try not to get a double layer or a stack. So I literally look so that the seeds are as close together as possible to form a single layer across the entire bottom of the terracotta plate. And then I will mist them and then they will kind of touch each other and they’ll form this little gelatinous film. And then I’ll cover that up. And then two or three times a day, I will continue to mist and bring them to life.

And so, if you, I posted something a few, probably a few months ago on chia seeds where I bought organic chia seeds in the health food store. And they weren’t sprouting seeds but they were on sale. And I thought, “Let me just try this.” And literally I put, one, I did sample A, I put the organic seeds, chia seeds in there. And then in sample B, I used my premium Sproutman organic sprouting seeds. And three days later, my organic sprouting seeds were about one inch tall and vibrant and healthy and the other ones were moldy.

And that was another, like, caused a few things for me to think about and research. And I found out that the organic seeds for sprouting were like the creme de la creme. Those are the first ones, the freshest ones. And then the ones that actually go into the bulk and that go into the packaging, they may actually get pasteurized and they get older and they don’t have that high germination rate. So if you’re going to sprout chia, I highly recommend getting fresh seeds specifically designed for sprouting.

Katie: Got it. Okay. That’s great to know.

And to shift gears a little bit, I know one thing I love about this is this is something that’s easy to do with kids as a way for them to see where some of the food supply comes from, even if you don’t have a garden. But it’s also truly something that’s easy enough that kids can do it on their own. Like you’ve explained the process and how easy it is to have this in our kitchen and how a lot of people probably have a lot of the tools already on hand to do this.

But I know you share the importance of this, but knowing where our food comes from and having a relationship with our food supply, and I think that’s something as parents, especially, we really want to make sure that we give our children the opportunity to do because often in today’s world, it’s easy to become completely detached from our food supply. And so I love that this is a way that kids can see the process and it’s so quick that it literally happens before their eyes and it’s exciting to them. And it’s also easy enough that even small children can become responsible for growing the sprouts. I also would love to talk a little bit about the distinction between sprouts and microgreens because that’s another thing that people can grow at home. So can you just kind of walk us through the differences and the similarities there?

Doug: Sure. So, microgreens kind of developed as a second kind of wave of the sprouts germination. So if you think about, a lot of the sprouts will go from a seed to a tail, and the little white tail and maybe forming a little leaf. And the microgreens, so sprouts can be grown in trays, in bags, in Mason jars, on terracotta. Microgreens are almost always grown in a tray so they can vertically grow up. And the microgreens typically will have leaves. They will be in a variety of vegetables that are very familiar in names to their mature vegetable countertops, you know, whether it’s cabbage or kale or arugula or beet or radish or amaranth or cilantro. So all of these are the miniature vegetables and they’re relatively easy to grow.

You typically will need a more sophisticated sprouting medium. And I say “medium” either as like a coconut husk or a soil or trays that allow the roots to go down. And they’re beautiful as a garnish and they’re actually, you know, can be a food source. The thing is they take longer to actually develop. So to grow a microgreen, you know, can be two to three times longer than the sprout. And so I focused on the sprouting because I’m using the sprouts as a food source, whereas the microgreens are, in my kind of view, are less yield, more flavor, more culinary specialty. But I’m not able to get as much food source in the per square inch of the kitchen in the time period that I have to eat.

Katie: Got it. Okay. That makes sense. And I feel like this episode has flown by. I love, like I said, I love this topic. I think it’s super timely right now. And I think that you have an amazing resource for people for getting started. So talk a little bit about your book and where people can find it.

Doug: So, during this time of living in the desert and during this time of home sheltering, sprouts just became really important for me. And so the book, this is probably the worst time to launch a book, but the best time to launch a book about sprouts. So I just, literally it airs today. I did a podcast with Marianne Williamson discussing poverty, starvation, food equality, and how sprouts could be a remedy for that. And so when I wrote the book, it was why to sprout, how to sprout, what to sprout, specifics about individual sprouts and then for the do-it-yourself recipes of how to use the sprouts as part of a meal where the recipes are all 100% plant-based, all raw, and 50% containing sprouts. So that’s the book.

And then the book also had interviews with other medical professionals and dieticians from Dean Ornish and Dr. Joel Fuhrman wrote the foreword and Dr. Joel Kahn to functional medicine doctors, Mark Hyman, and ketogenic doctors like Dr. Josh Axe and Joe Mercola, sort of a wide range of people, including yourself, that I interviewed for the book. So that’s really, the book is jam-packed and the book is available. You know, I was going to self-publish because I don’t like bureaucracy, but I ended up going to New York and taking a flyer and pitching one publisher, St. Martin’s Press, because I wanted the book to have maximum distribution.

So literally, if you go to thesproutbook.com, it lists everywhere where it’s sold from Barnes and Noble and Amazon and Books-A-Million to Powell’s. So it’s all over. The Kindle version is pretty good. I like the trade paperback. We made a specific decision not to put pictures in the book to keep the costs down and make it very accessible. And in times like this, Amazon is shipping the book fairly quickly. So, and it just launched.

Katie: Awesome. And, of course, that link will be in the show notes at wellnessmama.fm. For any of you who are hopefully outside exercising or if you’re driving, you can always find the show notes there and find all the links we’ve talked about including two blog posts on a lot of these topics. Another question I love to ask at the very end is, other than your own, is there a book or a number of books that have really dramatically impacted your life? And if so, what are they and why?

Doug: So, probably, the book that had the most impact for me was probably Scott Peck’s book, “The Road Less Traveled.” And, you know, there was a quote in there that I always think of and I share in particular with young people as well as troubled people is that life is difficult and this is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. And it is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult, once we truly understand and accept it, then life is no longer difficult because once it’s accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.

And that resonated with me that, you know, for some reason I thought everything should be easy. And when I realized like, “Oh, if you want to do something, it’s going to take work. If you want to do it well, it’s going to take more work. And if you want to learn something you’d never learned before, all these things are going to be difficult.” So I’ve accepted in my life challenges that are against all odds, and I have a ranch now with 25 acres and hot springs and I’ve never lived in a house before. I’ve never owned land before. I’ve never managed engineers before and water fluid systems and growing and just, it is difficult to kind of move off of the water grid and off of the food grid. But because it’s difficult and I have that in the back of my mind, it doesn’t matter.

This is just part of living that, you know, and I’m not a parent, you’re a parent, so I can’t speak to that. But I can imagine and I look into trying to walk a day in your shoes with your six kids and running a business and doing podcasts. Like, to me, because I’m not doing it, I think like, “Wow, that’s difficult. That’s really difficult.” And so that’s probably a book that had the most impact on me.

Katie: Got it. I love that. And I’ll link to that in the show notes as well. But Doug, I appreciate you giving practical advice. I think this is, like I said at the beginning, a very timely topic right now and one that I hope will stick even after we are able to start returning to life as it was before. I think this is a great change that many of us can implement. So I appreciate your mission to educate and to explain about this and all that you do in the world.

Doug: Well, thank you so much and likewise, I hope that I can be a reflection of the goodness that you have and the genius that you have, Katie. So, thank you and thank you for having me.

Katie: Thank you. And as always, thanks to all of you for joining us today and for sharing one of your most valuable assets, your time. We’re both very grateful that you did, and I hope that you will join me again on the next episode of “The Wellness Mama Podcast.”

If you’re enjoying these interviews, would you please take two minutes to leave a rating or review on iTunes for me? Doing this helps more people to find the podcast, which means even more moms and families could benefit from the information. I really appreciate your time, and thanks as always for listening.

Source: https://wellnessmama.com/podcast/doug-evans/

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