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inaconstantstateofchange · 4 months

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Halsin and Silvanus

In the course of my recent research on Bane for a lore request fill, I found myself coming across a lot of very interesting information, previously unknown to me, about the other gods of the Forgotten Realms — in particular Silvanus. There was enough there that it inspired me to direct some extra research hours into this writeup, exploring all the reasons why Halsin is a quintessential Silvanite.

If you would like any more information on anything included here, please feel free to drop a comment or an ask, as there is truly so much that I just don’t have the space to include. (I usually end up with about 12-13 pages of source quotes before I begin one of these meta posts.)

My usual note that, as ever, these writeups will align with current 5e lore, and draw from 3.5e for additional supporting information. On rarer occasions – and always noted – I will reference 1e and 2e, but with the caveats that there is much more in those editions that is tonally dissonant with the modern conception of the Forgotten Realms, and thus generally less applicable.

Silvanus is easily one of the most misunderstood gods of the Faerûnian pantheon. This is even pointed out directly within his section of the 3.5e Faiths & Pantheons (an incredible resource if you are looking for more detailed information on the gods of the Forgotten Realms!):

Nevertheless, most outsiders view the church of Chauntea, as patrons of agriculture, as being favorably inclined toward the expansion of civilization, while the church of Silvanus is the implacable foe of those who would settle new lands. Neither impression is correct, yet the church of the Oak Father is often perceived as little different from those faiths that venerate the Deities of Fury.¹ [emphasis added]

Silvanus is most often perceived as strictly and impassively neutral, and intrinsically opposed to civilization in all its forms. While the former is something close to true – he is a very neutral-aligned deity, albeit not necessarily in a way that matches the popular conception of the term – the latter is certainly not. Humanity (if you’ll forgive the use of the term to designate in broad strokes the non-animal denizens of the Material Plane) is another facet of nature, one given equal consideration to the rest – plant, animal, and other – by Silvanus.²

While as a whole followers of Silvanus have a preference for the wilds and the deep forests, this is by no means a concrete rule. In fact, Silvanite clergy – those known as druids – are not uncommonly found in enclaves in larger cities of the Sword Coast and beyond, including Waterdeep.² Typically these druids will “create gardenlike walled areas of wild forest within the city limits.”¹ Wherever they may find themselves, Silvanite druids work to maintain the Balance of nature around them, through education and direct action both.

Silvanus’s dogma has much to tell us about his philosophy, and that of his followers. I’ll be splitting notable excerpts and their relation to Halsin into sections below.

Hold your distance and take in the total situation, rather than latching on to the popular idea of what is best.¹

Halsin was, from the first moment I met him in-game, so notable for his calm self-possession, and the clear forethought he gave to his actions and those of others. He does not feel bound by the expectations or approval of others – as noted in the dialogue he shares with the player if they compliment his choice of successor – but instead makes his own path following the direction of Silvanus’s wisdom and will.

Resort to violence and open confrontation only when pressured by time or hostile action.¹

This is showcased numerous times throughout the game, but perhaps best evidenced by an in-game note, from an unlikely source: the Priestess Gut. The note that you can find from her, regarding Halsin’s capture, notes the following:

Said he thinks there's somethin' rotten inside us. Inside me. Reckons he can help get rid of the rot. I told him we don't need any help from nobody. Never did. And especially not now the Absolute's taken a shine to us.³

Despite the immediacy of his capture at their hands, and the preceding attack already lodged against himself and Nettie⁴, Halsin’s primary impulse is to attempt diplomacy, and render aid. This only changes when his length of captivity has made it clear that there will be no changing the minds of the cultists, and they must be dissuaded by stronger means.

Banish disease wherever you find it¹

The way Halsin is first introduced to the player is as a healer – and not just any healer, but a masterful one, known throughout the region, who has the best chance of being able to assist with any manner of strange ailment. It is clear in all ways, as well as in the scenario referenced in the preceding section, that this is an aspect of Silvanus that Halsin strives to embody at all times.

Seek out, serve, and befriend the dryads and learn their names.¹

Particularly if we understand the reference to dryads here to extend to all fey spirits of nature, this gives new depth to Halsin’s friendship and devotion to the nature spirit Thaniel. Halsin, as a druid generally, and as an Archdruid in particular, would have a solemn and divinely-ordained responsibility to redress the upheaval of the Balance within the Shadowcursed lands. For that reason alone, it is no surprise that it was his primary motivation and consideration for nigh on a century.

However, even above and beyond that, Halsin had an additional motivator. Even before he became a druid, potentially before he was exposed to the teachings of Silvanus in anything but the most vague and general of terms, he was living them out by befriending the local nature spirit, learning his name, and seeking to understand, serve, and protect him.

Make others see the balance and work against those that would disturb it. Watch, anticipate, and quietly manipulate.¹

The primary source text I am using to draw this connection was written neither by nor about Halsin, yet I believe it still clearly reflects on him, for reasons that will become clear. This text is from a logbook recording activities of the Emerald Grove during the year 1371, 121 years prior to the start of the game’s storyline, and some years before the defining events in the soon-to-be Shadowcursed Lands.

6 Uktar: Sent two druids, some of the newer recruits, up north. Village there has had two years of failed crops and are unlikely to survive the next winter. 9 Uktar: A group from Baldur's Gate arrived. They've set up camp on the edge of the forest. Two bears and a fox came by. Their territory has been burned out. Half the fox's cubs died. Paying this new group a visit tomorrow. 10 Uktar: Visit did not go well. After telling me where to shove it, they said they'd cut down half the forest and burn out any wildlife that dared to stick around. Claimed they were going to 'farm the land and make a new city of their own.' Time to get creative. 12 Uktar: Mudslide did the trick. Buried half their farming equipment and made the rest useless. They won't be back any time soon. Got reports of a Red Wizard in the village south of here. Sending three rangers to investigate. If they catch even a whiff of a red cloak, I'm contacting the House of Silvanus.⁵

Given the timeline, while this is unlikely to have been written by Halsin himself, it seems like a strong possibility that it was written by his master, the previous Archdruid of the Emerald Grove, who perished in the fight against Ketheric Thorm. This is supported by the clear evidence that the author was an individual in a position to give direction and command to those around them, and to make the call for how to deal with various situations. Given too what we know of the druidic leadership structure, Halsin would have been the previous Archdruid’s Second, as Kagha was his.⁶

This man, then, would have greatly influenced Halsin as a druid of Silvanus and as a leader both. We can presume that this watchful duty and deliberation was one that Halsin himself took over, charged with doing his part to maintain the Balance of the region around the grove. This last point especially becomes even more significant in light of the following information, which comes not from Silvanus’s dogma, but rather from a description of his followers and traditions of worship:

Members of the clergy work to redirect development and control populations through covert sponsorship of brigands, breeding and selective placing of predators, and other means. It is essential that such work be as secretive as possible, so that most folk view the servants of Silvanus as essentially benign lovers of trees. Wildlife breeding, nursing sick animals, and replanting trees and wild shrubs are all work that should be done as publicly as possible to support this perception – and as necessary work to redress the slipping Balance, of course.¹ [emphasis added]

It is clear from all preceding evidence, and this excerpt in particular, that the druids as a whole put far more thought and strategy into every aspect of their appearance and the perception of them than they would ever want outsiders to become aware of. Halsin himself corroborates this in-game, noting that, while druids might not like politicking, that certainly does not mean they haven’t the skill for it when called upon.

For the sake of… well. (I have been advised by my legal counsel not to use “brevity” here.) Regardless! For the sake of my sanity and your time, I will refrain from going into further detail on specific instances that show this to be true of Halsin. I will merely encourage you, the reader, to consider the value this brings to his character and druids as a whole, and hope to encourage new appreciation for their refreshing complexity.

In closing, I leave you with one final quote:

Superior patience, natural knowledge, and anticipation are the hallmarks of a worthy servant of Silvanus.¹

¹ Faiths and Pantheons. 2002. p. 63.

² Dragon Magazine #412. June 2012. pp. 22-3.

³ Rancid Note. In-Game Text.

⁴ Halsin’s Journal, Vol I. In-Game Text.

⁵ Logbook XII: 1371. In-Game Text.

⁶ Grove Annals. In-Game Text.

#voidling speaks #my meta #bg3 meta #meta #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #halsin #bg3 halsin #silvanus #realmslore #forgotten realms

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swords-of-a-soilder · 4 months

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My QSMP Headcannons vs in game Canon

Feel free to correct me if I get the Canon wrong.

•Tallulah uses hearing aids-this one is actually cannon but people tend to leave it out in art.

•philza uses a walking cane after purgatory- while Phil stated multiple times that the condition of his wings gave him poor balance, even though his wings are somewhat better I imagine the constant back and forth for someone who was never really good a balancing paired with the weight of his new wings probably make it very difficult to stay balance while walking.

•Fit, Tubbo lost limbs in purgatory- correct me if I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure Tubbo didn't lose a lib in Canon, and I'm also not sure if the texture of Fit new skin is meant to be read as a prosthetic but I like the idea.

•Richardslyson has a prosthetic leg- this isn't excalty clear whether or not it's canon, we know his model in game has a leg that doesn't connected to his shell but it also important to note that Phil adjusted Richards statue to reflect a prosthetic leg, so you could technically consider it canon.

•Phil is demi-romantic- I know Phil never gave a clear sexual orientation to his in game character, but watching them interact with other love interest he gives the vibe of a demi-romantic person.

•Fit and Phil are divorced on really good terms- the kind were you realize your better as friends, which would also play a part in Phil discovering his is demi-romantic. Obviously in canon they was no clear past relationships established between them.

•Bolas actually does see Phil as a father figured- obviously Cellbit calmed he was joking when he called Phil dad, however Baghera still seems to call him that. I also really just want Cellbit to have a good father figure lmao.

•Rose is Phil's mother- I could go into detail of how the goddess of life birth the angle of death, but I equate it to her being his mother as God is your father but like she's his mother directly. She made him, she raised him, she'll protect him like her like depends on it.

In canon Rose just seems to be the Spawn entity but I like to imagine her as his Spawn entity. That would mean that she spawned him into existence in the hardcore world.

•the federation isn't evil, just misunderstood- I'm not saying they are good, just more morally grey. They do horrible experiment and treat the residents curly in our eyes, but in their eyes this is normal.

They do things thinking the residents don't know any better and therefore their complains are invalid, quite like a narcissist parent.

•the eggs can shape shift- I love the idea of the eggs taking on physical traits of the person (s) that they feel loved by slowly the more fond they become of them.

So the original Chayanne would stay an egg for the first two days then shock his parents by appearing as a little boy with blond hair.

When badly injured they go back to egg form.

•Charlie is in fact part slime and that's how he shape shifted into gegg- technically the qsmp info channel confirmed this in the qsmp full story videos

•Jaiden was a part of project blue bird- again not confirm, but I really like the idea that she was raised by Cucuchroo and that's why she naturally acts kinder to him (but she doesn't remember)

•the island has a respawn entity- following the concept of Rose aiding Phil's spawn, I like to imagine the whole island has a entity that revives players after death, and thus respawning in other demension ie the nether, takes much longer as that a different entity all together.

•the radiation of the blast from purgatory turned Foolish into a shark human hybrid, I mean technically canon since has the speed fins now.

•Forever has a survivor complex- this is up to interpretation of whether or not it's canon but I perceive Forever's behaviour as someone who feels he had to save everyone; He is the president after all.

•Forever likely still has feelings for Phil- or better yet the feelings have developed into genuine love as opposed to obsession, but from observing Missa learnt the best way to love Phil is to respect his wishes.

•Lovejoy is canon in the qsmp and is sponsored by the federation hence why Wilbur often leaves for tours. I'm actually not sure if this is canon or not, I recall Phil joking about it but I don't know if that's the Canon explanation as to how he's allowed to leave the island.

•Missa like Wilbur is sent on sponsored trips by the federation; in which he gather information on other islands, the resources of said island and whether or not their populated

•The codes are corrupted dead eggs- I'm mostly getting this theory from the codes disguising themselves as eggs and codaflipa, but I really like the idea that the codes are eggs that have died in the past with past residents and are restless.

A good backing for this is how Sofia found the eggs to be non organic, which makes me think that in a way they are computer programming, an sentient artificial life.

That does however bring the lore question of how their ghost can return, I think codes are a store of ghost form for them, with the code of their existence being shattered after a while they degraded to code monsters.

This would explain why they kill eggs (they want more company) and how they're able to disguised as them. Codaflipa can only return a few times because it's difficult to keep that form with shattered codes.

Now it is hinted at that the eggs are artificial, Sofia and the details of A1 being hints at that, but there is no Canon confirmation of such to my knowledge

I also know that Etoiles seem to believe the code killed eggs because they were being controlled by the federation, but I don't believe that seeing as the federation went out of their way to get the eggs back.

#that's all i got #share your own in the comments #qsmp #qsmpblr #q!philza #q! fit #q! tubbo #q! forever #hcs4 rose #q!missa #q!jaiden #q!charlie #q!cellbit #q!chayanne #q!tallulah #q! Richardslyson

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al-hekima-madara-blog · 1 year

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Hashirama Senju birth chart (Headcanon)

The warm fire of konoha & his ashes

Considering that Hashirama is Madara's alter ego, there will be a lot of reference to my previous birth chart on Madara. If you haven't read it yet it's here. And also now that I know you have read Madara's one, I won't explain deeper like last time each sign I consider you clever enough to do your own research on google to further your knowledges

☉ Sun : Ego – Branding to the world

♑ Libra

Broadly what libra sun wants to reach is harmony. In their perfect worldview everyone is able to communicate and understand each other feeling by the power of love and blabla jutsu. And there is a the real world where it's doesn't work and that's why you need a capricorn friend (Madara) to keep you realistic.

Naruto, Hashirama are both libra and it's not a coincidence. Thanks to @lunyzare 's ask I've already talk in detail about his sun in Libra here . Actually the whole Naruto's serie is a libra anthem inside a scorpionic world. Shinobis are after all shadow warrior using occult power, living in a hidden village with a hokage at his head (shadow of the fire. It's a world between secret society and spying activities Masashi Kishimoto is himself a scorpio with strong libra energy. (Maybe it will be a good idea to do the author birth chart one day. Let me know in the comments if you would like to🤔)

As the MC's ancestor, Hashirama represents this search for an ideal of all people coming together to reach peace. But what people misunderstood is that Hashirama, as all air signs, is appealed by the concept of peace before understanding the reality of building peace. It took him to kill his best friend to realise the consequences of his decisions and the price of his dear village. It's as if before that, he stayed completely careless of all the issues around him.

Often when I think about his famous quote, it reminds me the french revolution. They dreamed to realise equality, freedom and the Human's right where all humans are equals... But before reaching this noble goals, the previous regime had to be slay by the guillotine who had been invented for this purpose of beheading quickly as many nobles as possible. This period is called The Terror in history. And if you wonders, yes France is a Libra country!

In the same fashion, the darkness times took over Konoha in the name of peace. Some people from the village preferably Uchiha needs to be sacrifice to realise Hashirama's dream. There lies the dark side of Libra. They are kings and queens of gaslighting. They are also very good at soft speeches, doublespeak, and politically correctness. By refusing to acknowledge any opinions contradicting their ideal of justice and harmony, it ends up creating a bloodshed to protect it.

Ascendant/Rising Sign : Social personality – Physical Body

♑Sagittarius

For the ascendant I thought about what people see of Hashirama the first time they met him mostly Suigetsu who's the most talkative :

God of Shinobi ( but it's mostly his legacy post mortem)

Bubbly

Full of enthusiasm

Goofy

Loud

Broad figure

someone capable of brief but memorable fit of anger

I don't know you, but when I read my list I see a sagittarius' description. Traditionally to differentiate each fire sign, I like to think of Aries as firecracker , Leo is a pyre , Sagittarius is the wildfire. Nobody knows where it starts but goes rapidly in a rampage and disappeared as mysteriously as it came. Sagittarius got this reputation of being bigger than life, authentic and sometimes clumsy, but loving party, free spirit, loving foreign people, and foreign land, foreign wisdom. Jupiter is the planet associate with Sagittarius. Zeus God of the Gods in greek mythology, the bridge is easy to do with our God of shinobi.

With this ascendant couple with Libra who is already a social sign, I can see why Hashirama's election was not debatable. He was naturally the popular guy while Madara in my description is a very stern double Capricorn who's intimidating unless you know him very well.

☾Moon : Emotion – Comfort zone

♋Pisces

One quality of Hashirama is that he can read people. He has this real emotional smartness. It doesn't mean that he can effectively communicate his feeling (that's mercure's business and that's Naruto legendary best quality) but you can't really lie to him. He's the only person who saw behind everyone facade. He saw behind the fortress of blunt who is Madara and said that he was a deeply sensitive person while everybody think he's the devil (ironically Madara will become exactly what people expect of him in the end). He also discovered first Madara's weakness and used it in his advantage years later.

He read also Sasuke and was the only one of the five kages who believed that answering Sasuke's questions was in the long-term more efficient than rushing into the battlefield.

He read Oroshimaru's mind. Which is the rare moment where our devilish snake didn't feel confident at all.

♂ Mars : Action - Desire

♌ Taurus

In the Narutoverse, fighting's style is the easiest way to guess their mars.

In the same way that Mars in leo was obvious for Madara. Mars in Taurus came to me without a second thought. If Madara as a warrior is the epitome of fire, you need a superior energy capable of blocking such powerful storm. And in all zodiac no one has more resistance than Taurus. Sure the impetuous mars planet is not at its fullest potential in this slow and venusian sign. But what it losts in speed, it gains in determination. A mars taurus is like a unbreakable wall. It's built to resist and when it starts moving at his own pace, nothing can stop it.

Mokuton as his signature is a mix of water and earth element, both consider as feminine traditionally. And in feminine concept there is the idea of being the receiver and the creator. If you study most of Hashirama's fight you can see that he uses mostly defensive jutsu, while Madara has a preference for offensive one. There is the wood dragon technique who absorbs Kyuubi's chakra, Myojinmon or God’s Gate who literally stop an enemi with Tori gate falling from the sky (again it contains someone else's energy rather than attacking). In the creative side : Kajukai Korin makes him grow a lively forest. Shin Susenju : is his most famous offensive jutsu. He can create a giant Buddha statue with a thousand hands. And it took him time to knead his chakra and passing into senjutsu mode but when it's done, nothing can stop him.

And cherry on the top : Leo and Taurus are both fix sign (stubborn and difficult to change) and in synastry Madara's mars in Leo will square Hashirama's mars in Taurus. A square is usually considered as an intense tension. And those two bananas are notorious for creating natural disasters and climate change every time they met on a battlefield.

♃ Jupiter : Infinite Expansion – House of wisdom

♌ Leo

Remember in the Madara birth chart I had both mars and jupiter conjunct in Leo. Hashirama being from the same generation it's most likely that Jupiter is in the same sign (it took about a year for jupiter to move from sign, while mars stay few months).

The duo Mars/Jupiter for Madara enhances the martial and fierce aspect of Leo. A Leo much more authoritarian and narcissistic. But Hashirama has got only Jupiter in Leo that would glorify the brightest side of Leo : generosity, bravery, optimism, luck, having children (his pride). In a way, it makes Hashirama even more popular and lovable. During the warring state era, Hashirama makes most of his dream comes true in his life time. Compared to his friend he got it all : He build his village, was acknowledged and respected by all, he kept his little brother alive, married a powerful kunoichi, controlled through his wife the most powerful of the nine bijuu, seems to have had a family life with his child/children and grandchildren (he spends time with Tsunade), he established a peace (it seems that the first shinobi war start after his death?), he elaborated and transmitted his will of fire, and formed a new generation who will continue his legacy after him. So he thought at his death that peace will prevailed after him and he had accomplished his goal.

☿ Mercure : Intellect – Communication

♑ Scorpio

When mercury is in scorpio, the mental goes more deeper. The intuition is precise like a laser. It can sometimes brought to the surface the darkest part of human's psychis.

Some would say that apart this moment above, Most of the time Hashirama isn't that dark. However, I believe in the same way that on a superficial level Madara is an intimidating character with a secret sensitive nature. Hashirama is for people that solar charismatic guy but underneath that facade, he is, just like all shinobis of his time... a warlord. He didn't reach the top level of his clan by just being cute and smiling. In the warring state era to prove you can lead, you need to show some extreme cold mind. And it's only Madara who's able to push Hashirama to "reveal his guts", to show his authentic self. First when Hashirama was ready to die to prove his good-will and during the valley of the End when he answered the question Madara asked few years ago in the Uchiha's shrine : If he had to chose between his brother/ friend or the village, he will sacrifice everyone for his village.

♀ Venus : Attraction – Seduction

♒Libra

What are Hashirama's desires? First of course is building his village with every clans cooperation. It still fit the Libra's ideal of perfect cooperation.

And what is the object of his desire ? Mito Uzumaki. Based on what she confessed to Kushina in her old days, she seems to have been loved by her husband and this love makes bearable her duty of jinshuuriki.

Mito was in her youth really beautiful, classically beautiful. She looks like a princess from older time. Knowing that Mito is also a taurus. It's an other sign where Venus (planet of love and beauty) is at its peak just like in Libra. I believe Hashirama's attraction to his wife was real.

♄ Saturn : Restriction – Time - Enlightenment

♐Sagittarius

Saturn in Sagittarius means also Saturn is close to his ascendant.

Naruto in Boruto era doesn't actually like that day to day office job as hokage. He does it because it's his duty. I headcanon that it was exactly the same for Hashirama, he's too much of a dreamer, a social butterfly to just seat in an office and sign papers. Actually he first offered the job to Madara for a good reason : yes it will give him a new goal in life to protect the village but let's be honest : Capricorn thrives in responsibility and boring procedures. Yes they want to be an office manager and boss people around all day. They love being in charge and control a situation. If that wasn't for his popularity issue, Madara was really overqualified for the job as hokage. He's just like Tobirama, efficient, rational and over-organised. Imagine if he had put the same energy he put in the infinite tsukuyomi into Konoha? They will be the united state of five nation reaching Naruto Era. That's what you need to administrate and organise a village. But well the people wanted the pretty Hashirama the people got Hashirama… He did it because that's what is expected from him. It's what Saturn does in your life, restricting you to challenge you. Remember in Madara's chart I use the image of the tamed fire : The Judge and the stern spiritual leader. The severe aspect of Saturn in Sagittarius (house 12) is more pronounced in Madara because of his heavy capricorn chart. In Hashirama who is most Air and Fire, Saturn in Sagittarius in his first house will just restrict his freedom, his carefree attitude. He might have felt sometimes depressed and weight down by his responsibilities and the feeling he can't be authentically himself, people expect from him to embody the head of clan, the leader of Konoha, the "God of the Shinobi".

And there is no picture in the Manga where Hashirama is confined his office. He's often outside, on top of the cliff observing his village alone or with Madara. In the fillers you also see him walking around the village, talking with people. And also we know he gambles. Did he starts this bad habit to escape his office duty just like Tsunade did?

#Hashirama #Hashirama Senju #Hashirama headcanon #Hashirama birth chart #Madara #Madara Uchiha #birth chart #naruto meta #meta #astrology #fictional birth chart #naruto analysis #character analysis #astrology placements #astronomy #Al Hekima's analysis

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funkymbtifiction · 2 years

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Sorry to bother, can you give me your thoughts on my MBTI type?

Regarding the enneagram, I self-typed as social-blind, and later through a typing service (mainly for fun and curiosity, on the enneagrammer community) I was typed as a sx/sp. I am mostly positive to be a 9, to my misfortune.

To know my own's heart and live accordingly is my absolute aim through my life. Who I am, who I am not, what I like, how can I reflect my internal landscape through what I do, how I live, how I love. Every detail — even minuscule in size, is observed and intended to leak my heart to the external. I dedicate a lot of my time to ponder about this matter because to un-feel myself is worse than death. <- this seems like Fi-dom

I am not a very hands-on person. I dislike crafts, manual tasks, and so on. I can do it, but it doesn't feel correct. However, I do love to be on someone's space, my lover at that time to be more precise. I can't control myself. I nuzzle, hug, cuddle, long for caresses, find comfort on their arms... Physical touch is, for me, primitive, yes, but the most real form of communicating love. <- sx in an intuitive

In a similar manner, I have a specific preference for a type of ambiance which I love to be immersed in. It is really concreted — space, time, circumstances, light, sound... and it is not easily replicated. So, when I find myself in that environment is out of pure chance, but I swallow every drop of it, like being one with it. It doesn't happen often, just under those particular circumstances and because it does resonates within me deeply. <- sx 'merging'

I am really emotionally sensitive. I cried easily. I tend to be on the sad spectrum (the sadboy/sadgirl archetype) for the most part, but I enjoy to dissect and understand my feelings to the very core. I enjoy expressing myself through poetry and movement (some free-form of dance). I prefer to feel, even to the point of despair, to remain blocked emotionally and numb. <- more Fi / some 9

However, I am known to be quite self-absorbed in relation to others. I can sense their emotions emanating, specially their anger, my body immediately tensed up in response (9-ness, I believe), but I don't get imprisoned by it, nor it gets mingled with mine. I can understand their reasons, if they explain it to me thoughtfully (if not, I know something's off but I can't pinpoint why), but that doesn't mean I inmediately share it. If I don't, I don't. In consequence, I feel a very emotional person, but I've been accused of lacking empathy. <- IFP, yes

I am unable to convey my feelings into words (written is better) easily and, when I do, the result is lacking or fragmented, leaving me unsatisfied and misunderstood. I don't talk much about myself, or my problems. I can give a short speech, for the other to know where I am at, but it is done for their knowledge, not because it provides me any kind of help. The 'you feel better if you talk about it!' is the biggest lie ever told. <- more IFP / Fi-dom

Through my life, I had these few absolute certainties about what my life is going to be, especially around romantic partners. When I meet my last partner, for years up until we actually started dating, I was completely sure he was meant to be on my life, in a way I have never experienced before. Up until we got together, I would experimentally flirted with other people, but without any physical contact, because I wanted his and his only. For years, through our relationship, the certainty never fade, leaving me on a permanent honey-moon-phase. <- sx-dom

I am easily sensory over-estimulated. The tingling keys on that man's pocket, the engines from the very few cars that are passing by, some distant chatting... it's all too much. Also, I am quite clumsy. I frequently bump onto things. <- this can be low S, but it can also relate to being a highly sensitive person

I experience some sort-of synesthesia through intense physical experiences (music, being touched, art that resonates within me) and symbolic imagery that's entirely personal to me. For instance, I am listening to a current song of mine, and I get this perfectly picture in my head that connect my love for ice skating as a kid and the spiraling movement of the figure skater, to a sudden urge to learn pole dance, to the unresolved need that I held for weeks to explore more options to express through movement. But I rarely acted on it, because I am quite indecisive. <- Ne?

I am obsessed with symbols and imagery. Dreams are a constant interest of mine, such as other forms of unconsciousness.

Is this enough to go? I hope so, and thank you so much.

I assume INFP.

#question #mbti

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whistle-free · 2 years

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Helloooo, just curious as to whether the most recent verdict proves Depp wasn’t abusive? He won the defamatory case, so the op ed was proven false I think? But what does this mean when Depp was seen as guilty of 12 out of 14 counts of DV by the U.K. courts? This the defamation verdict cancel out the guilty of DV verdict?

Similarly, does the verdict mean Heard was the abuser? She lost the defamation case, but she wasn’t proven guilty of abuse. But then why are people convinced she was the abuser, and why didn’t Depp take Heard into court for DV?

Hi! These are great questions!

(Going to try this again because Tumblr ate it the first time I tried to answer.)

The answer to your first (and fifth) question is likely going to be slightly unsatisfying, because this was a civil defamation case, and therefore the verdict neither proves or disproves that either Johnny or Amber were abusive to the other as that wasn't what was being ruled on.

However, you are correct in believing that since the jury found in favor that the three statements were defamatory that the statements Amber made in the op-ed were determined to be false.

As far as the UK case I'm currently drafting a post on that now that will go into more detail, and I encourage you to stick around for that as it will answer your question better than I could sum it up here, but in short; The Virginia verdict technically doesn't 'cancel out' the UK trial verdict, but it does potentially open some doors to appeal that ruling. There was a reason the judge in the Virginia case said JD did not get a fair trial in the UK case, and I'll explain that more in the upcoming post.

To reiterate the above for your next question, the Virginia case was a civil defamation suit, and you'd be correct in saying that AH wasn't proven guilty of abuse because no one is 'found guilty' in civil cases, they are only found to be liable. The reason many are convinced AH was the abuser despite no former ruling for or against the matter is due to watching the trial and coming to that conclusion after weighing the evidence presented, namely the audio tapes where AH admits to striking JD and to starting physical fights.

As for why Depp didn't take Heard into court for DV, only he can really answer that. However, one could speculate many things, like maybe he thought no one would take him seriously as a man claiming to be a victim, or perhaps he, like many victims, didn't want to press charges against his abuser for any various reasons not limited to fear, love, or even just not wanting to relive any abuse any more than he had to. There's also the matter of the alleged abuse having taken place in different countries and states, all with their own statutes of limitations which could make pressing charges tricky.

Hope this answers your questions! If I misunderstood something you asked, or I wasn't clear on something, feel free to let me know!

#If you believe any of this information to be flawed please submit any additional sources to this blog #so this post may be amended and corrected #defamation trial #depp v heard trial #depp vs heard #johnny depp #amber heard #johnny depp trial #the sun trial #uk trial #virginia trial #depp v the sun #sun vs depp

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hshouse · 2 years

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hey i know you dont like to talk about stunts so feel free to ignore this, but i was wondering if you think bg will ever end? sometimes i feel insane thinking about this bc i cannot imagine (legally, morally, in every perspective) how this situation has gone for so long. so it does make me wonder if i was wrong all along and misunderstood 99% of things or if im crazy idk.

do you ever feel like this? you've said before that you live with the knowledge that we dont have all parts of the story and i agree to an extend. but i also dont think there are any missing pieces that would explain this whole thing.

i think a lot about the idea that the simplest answer/solution is usually the correct one and how i totally disagree with that gksjgjs life is complicated! but sometimes i think that in this case the only explanation is that he is the father (which doesnt make sense bc there's tons of info out there to dispute this hence the "feeling crazy" bit)

im sending you this bc i feel like you have one of the most rational non-black and white perspective on how things unfold here

sorry for the long ask <3

Hi bby,

I totally understand your feelings and share them. I don’t think about bg bc of exactly what you said: even with missing pieces, it’s very hard to make sense of it. But something else is also clear to me: there is something very wrong in this story. As in, maybe we are all mistaken, sure, but we are not being told the truth. That to me is very clear. Which is again how I feel about larry in general. Maybe I am wrong about all the details, but I am not wrong about them having something that required (and requires) constant lying. There are explanations that fit both of those assumptions that are not my belief (example: if larry just fucked a bit in 1d and if the kid was a total oopsie and he doesn’t see him. both of those fit the things that I am sure of but are neither what I think nor, and this is key, what we are told). About whether it will end. Well I think so. No fucking clue when and how. Taking a step back, I think it’s important to remember that this whole thing is a fun hobby for us that is supposed to bring you happiness and not stress. So I have no qualms about just not paying attention to that. It brings me nothing good and at the end of the day I have my real problems to worry about already. All I can do is love and show support to them in a way that I full heartedly believe they appreciate. If I’m wrong, I know it came from a place of love.

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aquaticsoul · 9 months

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Comparisons, Categories, and More: A Look at Cognitive Habits

Of all the metas I've written, none have gotten into the small intricate details of how Sielu's mind presently works in the moment. The closest thing would be the overview of his mental health, but it doesn't quite go into what's actually happening.

That said, this post will do that!

First, let's look at what he's always done, because his habits from childhood have been multiplied.

Growing up as a twin was a blessing and a curse. Even though his parents tried not to treat him and his sister exactly the same, this couldn't be said for most other people.

Sielu and Sydän were a package deal. Their names were so frequently said together that he would, on occasion, answer to her name by itself (assuming he'd just not heard his own). Even then, calling one child usually meant the adult wanted the other to come soon as well, so it was not often corrected.

That was also just when their names were used. Very often - by friends, teachers, etc. - were they referred to as "the twins". It's easy, it's shorthand, but it's also a bit of a problem for a nervous child.

Thus, Sielu did not ever develop a very strong "individual" identity. He was "one of the twins" and classified himself as such. It was pointless for him to argue or correct them or make any effort to be seen as anything outside of that box because for every person he explained it to, there were 20 more to follow.

It was much easier to just accept what roles he was given than constantly argue. It was better to play whatever part he was handed, and he's done this since early childhood.

Unfortunately, this habit was not broken. Ever. It did change slightly as he gained more labels to add onto himself, but all that meant for him was continuing to confine himself. Aspects that did not neatly fit into a categorical box were ignored or covered up. He limited himself to not expressing the things he didn't feel "fit him" in terms of labels, much to his own detriment.

Beyond this self-minimization comes his inability to handle many types of conflict. This post here goes over why he has issues with being misunderstood, but it goes deeper than that. For the people whose opinions he honestly cares for, he cares to a devastating amount. Just the idea of someone like Valo or Pilvi or (Tiamat forbid) Sydän resenting him is enough to nearly push him to an anxiety attack, so he's prone to shutting up and keeping the peace instead whether he's uncomfortable or not.

Finally, we reach the final, crucial key to understanding how he is now, and it's helplessness.

He wants to be in control of a situation at all times (and by that I mean of himself). He needs things to be stable. He needs everything to be peaceful due to the fact he's (beneath all the goofy charm) a very anxious and insecure person.

But, unfortunately for Sielu, life does not work that way.

In taking his life oath to Pilvi, he was exposed to the fact that Misterica is not, in fact, free of corruption and he felt constantly powerless to do much of anything to help, which continued for twelve straight years.

All of these factors combined yield us an adult who did not cope well with the loss of everything he'd ever known, but at least Pilvi was out there somewhere and he had Sydän with him...

Until she also died.

He did not figure out how to process this and fell into a metaphorical pit of total darkness instead - a state of depression that had him sleeping his grief and fear away to avoid being faced with what he considered to be "too difficult of a situation".

Shortly after that set in, Herba attacked the village he was staying in, killed everyone except him, and kept him as a prisoner in the lower levels of her airship for nine years. He was deprived of basic needs by being given only enough to survive, and abused in ways that were both horrific and extremely effective in undermining his sense of self even further. She preyed on any bits of information about him she got her hands on.

It got so far as to her rendering him unable to fly for long periods, burning his airways so he could not sing, making him feel responsible for the deaths of the village people, and lowering his self esteem into the negatives. She took his insecurities and ran with them, convincing him that he is nothing more than a stand-in for others at best and a vile, unlovable monster at worst.

Spending nine years in this type of environment makes it very hard for him to think anyone genuinely wants anything to do with him. Unfortunately, his mind tries to cope with this challenge the same way it always has: sorting things one way or another.

The black and white thinking runs to such an extent that on his worst days, everything and everyone is either "all good" or "all bad" with no in-between.

Either you're a threat or you're not, either you love him or you don't, either you're good and he's bad... or everyone is bad and he deserves it. It's "all or nothing", and it's not a habit he entirely realizes he's got. He's started to be a little aware of it, but he doesn't know what to do about it because he doesn't want to bother or upset his companions. (Remember that insecurity I mentioned earlier?)

He thinks he takes up too much space already. He wants to help them as much as they help him because he knows they must be grieving as well, but he's terrified of not doing it the right way. He wants (quite desperately) to explain what's wrong but he doesn't want to be annoying or complain too much or run into questions he can't answer. He feels totally helpless and powerless, and it feeds into his insecurity-turned-self-loathing.

It doesn't ease his discomfort that he can't seem to form a solid opinion on many things, instead trying to ignore it or distort any situation into something that does fit the boxes he's grown so comfortable with.

Basically, all of the anxiety and the issues he used to keep under a pretty solid amount of layers have been brought to the surface with more added on top, but he doesn't know at what point it's acceptable to ask for help or if he deserves the help in the first place.

After all, it's easiest to just blame himself and move on, right?

#music alone shall live ; headcanon.#[ i have been working on this for like. two weeks now ]#topic ; habits #topic ; sydän #topic ; pilvi #topic ; misterica #topic ; fears #topic ; herba #topic ; health #topic ; captivity #abuse tw #self-degradation tw #cptsd tw #death tw #murder tw

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jafndaegur · 3 years

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Things Said and Unsaid

Jumin Han x MC

Mystic Messenger

a/n: now that the zine is long past, here is my story from the Garden of Eden Zine:) Enjoy!

Jumin twisted the flower stem between his fingers as he reclined further against the chair. Waxy pink petals mocked him in a way that he did not appreciate and the bright bloom weighed heavily, leaning forward in his careless grasp. He rested his chin on the back of his free hand, temple twitching at the not-quite perfect amount of wine for a buzz but enough for a headache.

MC's voice still floated in the air as if she'd just called about her final report for the RFA event.

"All of the flower arrangements are ready for the party," her voice was stilted over the phone even as she tried to be chipper.

Jumin wondered if she felt uncomfortable around him with everything said and done. "They'll look beautiful I'm sure." He reassured.

The pause and silence between them felt unnatural and constricting.

"What did you pick? For the bouquets." He finally peeped out, his voice rocking with concern. Had they always struggled with communicating? The memory of being able to freely converse with her, speaking of any little trivial thing that came to mind an easy and amusing way for him to pass the time. Surely he hadn’t ruined things so thoroughly during the time she had spent at the penthouse.

MC’s airy and pitched laugh reached his ears in a painful display of her discomfort. "That'd ruin the surprise."

And what a surprise it'd been.

Jumin had been eager, and even anxious, in awaiting her arrival to the party. Afterall they all owed its renewed existence to her. And he himself owed so much to her too. When they had parted the night before, V rightfully helping her return to the apartment, it had been with a tender apology. She'd embraced him—held him close and promised things would work out the way they should.

He wasn’t sure if it had been a lie or her convincing herself. Perhaps some odd adherration of both to her conviction.

The day of the party came, but MC did not.

It was obvious that Seven had hesitated his journey before finally making the reluctant trek to Jumin with a piece of paper in one hand and a tied bouquet of flowers in the other.

The pink camellia had seemed so bright and vibrant in the light of the ballroom. And even now in Jumin's hand, standing stark and vibrant, the bloom dazzled against the rest of his muted parlor decor. It smiled and flourished, and yet here he sat more dejected and more confused than ever.

Somehow, he managed his way back to the kitchen, where the rest of his bouquet lay abandoned on his dining room table—scattered petals and bulbs strewn across the wood top due to his careless toss of the bunch. He had been angry and frustrated at the time, but now he felt guilt tugging at the span of his ribs when he thought of the disregard he gave to her last gift to him. The note lay innocently next to it, as if trying to appease him with the gentle slope of MC's handwriting.

I've meant everything Jumin. Said and unsaid. I don't regret anything and I hope you won't either. But we both need this to move forward, I think this is what's right...I hope you'll see that. I've left you the best.

-MC

Among the flowers, pink carnations were the easiest to pick out. The petals crimped and wavy, and the blossoms themselves the most commonplace and plain. And yet MC had made sure the flowers had stayed nestled close amongst bushels of goldenrod. Another odd pick for a formal party. His eye for detail made things easy to recognize that beautiful hardworking and problem-solving touch MC made with every deliberate and precise choice. He knew that much. From the sorrel that warmly held everything together, to the pink camellias blushing prettily at the center wrapped in forget-me-nots.

In times such as these Jumin realized he had one consultant he could count on, a source where information passed easily from itself to him. Where he could learn unhindered and without bias about the best that MC left behind for him. Because surely, she did not simply mean the best flowers from the bunch. She was too clever for that.

He found himself at a library, in the area with the farmer's almanacs and horticulture how-tos. It was an aisle he frequented when seeking answers to inquiries about his vineyard.

Heavy and cumbersome, he found an encyclopedic tome titled Whispers from the Flowers. It was an odd name but upon opening it he found satisfaction knowing that his assumption on its topic had been correct. The flower language. Something not in a million years he imagined himself researching. But for MC, he would do anything. And his beloved left behind one very, very important clue. "Things said and unsaid." And he hoped it was more than a mere sentimental way of saying she left him behind regardless of whether or not she was able to relay all she wished to.

Jumin found the index at the back of the book, searching for sorrel first. MC had meticulously ensured that the green and stringy plant entwined itself around the main bouquet like a cradle. It was hardly a flower and yet the vibrancy of it added life and color outside of the thematic pink hues of the other blooms. Affection. Sorrel is the gateway to confessions and the key to unlocking the heart—it lays bare the raw and pure emotion of those who offer it. His fingers danced over the words, tracing the letters with the faintest of smiles. MC's disappearance seemed like a rather large lack of said-affection, but he knew there had to be further explanation. And all answers resided within the little puzzle she had set aside just for him.

Because she knew and understood he had every capability to solve it. He hoped.

Encouragement. Good fortune. Goldenrod offers the same blade with two edges. One of well wishes and the other of outstretched hands. It is an easy flower to convey both farewells and prosperity.

Jumin’s breath curled within his chest and his fingers hovered. “Farewells.” It was a mutter, something that he dare not speak more than a whisper. MC left behind hide nor hair of her existence. The memory of her laugh and gilded eyes were the only proof he could offer. Yet somewhere amongst the agonizing pull in his chest as he read the summary over and over again, he feared that she had truly meant her goodbye hidden within these flowers.

He knew his own faults had greatly weighed upon her decision to leave with Jihyun that day. But had he really ruined things so much that she chose never to see any of them again to escape him? Were all affections between them nullified because of his shortcomings.

Breath hitched and his fists clenched the book. Memories of true love. Forget-me-nots are the staple flower of sweet love. Anyone gifting their sweetheart with these iconic blooms know every moment spent with their true love will be cherished and treasured. Jumin’s brow furrowed. Contradictory. This was all so illogical and contradictory. If he had not just recently gone through a week-long anxiety attack and now the loss of the woman he had planned to propose to, he’d chalk these meanings up to happenstance and throw the book into the closest recycling bin. But everything said had been meant. And everything unsaid had been meant. He needed for his own sanity and for his own comprehension to know if these flowers truly enveloped MC’s feelings for him. Or if he was just a fool trying to pry into a love that was never his to keep.

“I’ll never forget you.”

A shudder. The words flowed past his lips as he read the phrase mechanically. “I’ll never forget you.” Each utterance a tremor to his heart as the walls constricted and shook.

I’ll never forget you. Pink carnations are easily the most misused and the most misunderstood. Believed to be a simpleton’s flower, the meaning behind this bloom is often lost due to being handed out of context. It’s beautiful and pastel color can often be misleading. It is a mournful flower, often handed at the cusp of goodbye. A beautiful tendril to remember a fleeting yet vibrant romance.

The search through the index for the last flower was a trembling one. Jumin’s fingers skimmed the crisp paper gentle against his skin as he tried to account his increasing pulse to apprehension or suspense. He was approaching the last piece of MC’s riddle and good or bad—real or not—he had been able to come to some conclusion about their parting. About their romance. About them.

His vision blurred and he felt the world spin.

A note had been tucked away close to the spine where the pages parted. It was a small envelope, no bigger than an index card. “Jumin” had been scripted neatly on the front, and on the back, there was a little flower drawn over the edge of the opening flap. He recognized MC’s handwriting anywhere. Impulse struck a chord with his nerves and he plucked the note quickly before forcing himself to slow down. He wanted to finish this mission.

Pink camellias. Longing for you.

No more waiting. Jumin dropped the book and tore the envelope open. His heart pitter-pattered and he double took the gentle slope of that oh-so familiar handwriting. The gentle sweep and slant of her penmanship was obvious the moment he gazed upon the ink. There before him, tiny and hopeful, was a phone number. He'd arrived at the end of her puzzle with a growing smile, shaking his head with a fond chuckle. His finger brushed the new note.

"You can be greedy, you know," he whispered reverently. "Around me don't worry. Whatever fears or struggles we may have to face, we'll figure them out together. You don't have to hold back for my sake or for yours."

He pulled two business cards from his wallet, placing one in the forget-me-knots section and the other in the section about pink camellias. Satisfied, he closed the book and walked to the front desk where the head librarian sat typing away on the computer. Noticing his approach, they gave him a warm smile. Holding out their hand, the librarian inclined their head.

"Got everything you need?"

Jumin nodded and handed the book over. "I will soon enough. In the meantime, could you place this on hold? A friend is going to pick it up."

"Of course," the librarian nodded. "Name and number."

"Han MC," Jumin decided with a touch of humor, a welcomed break to his multi-day anxiety high, before reciting the number from the note.

The person assured him that MC would be notified and that the book would be on hold for the next twenty-four hours. He bowed his head slightly and graciously thanked them before heading to the car where Driver Kim awaited. There was so little time to get ready but he wanted to make the most of this anticipation that clung to his lungs with baited breath.

#mystic messenger #mysme #mysme jumin han #jumin han x mc #mysme jumin

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freddiekluger · 3 years

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Do you think that if the ghosts sees period dramas set in their time, it will reignite memories of their life?

i think it definitely depends on the accuracy and style of the drama- if they're too poorly researched, any attempts at reverie would be totally disrupted by the historical and visual inaccuracies (think: thomas yelling about the 'roccoco legs' during the byron shoot). of course the other big thing is setting: it's all well and good to watch to a movie set in your time period, but if it's based in a country you've never been to (especially for the older/less privileged ghosts like mary and robin, who probably didn't have much knowledge of the world outside of their continent when they were alive), it's not going to feel particularly familiar.

working on the assumption that we have at least partial historical and geographical accuracy, here's how i think each of the ghosts would respond to

robin: considering how little we actually know about early human history, i don't think robin would be that fussed by any attempt to put that on film- he'd still appreciate a good caveman joke, although he's not a big fan of how stupid every movie assumes they would have been (it's not like they had omega-3 tablets back then!). robin's unspeakably old, and for the most part he seems to have processed through all the parts of his past that he possibly can, and is now committed to enjoying his time at button house as much as he can (a big part of this is his prankster spirit and frankly underrated friendliness), so it would have to take a lot more than a stone age movie to rake up serious conflict.

mary: given her incredibly traumatic death, mary avoids virtually anything that hints of fire or witchcraft which is where things become difficult. i think mary could really enjoy a film set in her time if it follows a working family not dissimilar to her own- it could help her remember some of the positive things from her life, and probably help her feel a lot more seen as she often ends up misunderstood or ignored by the other ghosts (pat initially dismissing mary's advice about the camera work because he didn't think she properly understood what was happening; the ghosts focusing on correcting her speech more than what she actually says). the problem is, almost all movies set in mary's time that follow people from her class end up focusing on the witch trials, which is a BIG no no for her.

humphrey: i think humphrey could really enjoy watching some tudor set films. like mary, he often gets ignored (and straight up left behind), so watching a period film absolutely gives him the opportunity to feel a bit more seen and stew on those long forgotten memories like post-meal games of cards with friends, or the occasional hunting trip when the king came to visit (the trips themselves were more stressful than anything, but mouthing off about them with the king's entourage after he went to bed was always a highlight). humphrey would definitely have a keen eye for inaccuracies, but i don't think they'd bother him. it's just nice to have things be about him for a change (if by him, we mean having all the ghosts watching something that is vaguely related to his alive-period and actually looking to him with questions instead of just using his head as their personal football/security camera/magic 8ball).

kitty: kitty is one of the ghosts who accesses her memories pretty easily- she has no problem with thinking about her life, even when the anecdotes are screamingly sad to anyone listening. so a period film would naturally bring some memories, but i don't know if they'd be anything radical or new- kitty's real growth and drama would come from her leaving behind the rationalisations of what clearly was severe neglect. actually on that note, while not quite kitty's environment, i think she might get a lot out of Sofia Coppola's Marie Antoinette. something about the themes of the loneliness that comes with growing up in high society and only being valued for what your status and your biology can give to your family and your husband (who you likely didn't choose), along with feeling like an outsider and being visibly othered, even by those you outrank, no matter how friendly and approachable and like them you make yourself (while not necessarily linked to the broader themes of familial neglect kitty's character touches on, i think her experiences as a georgian noblewoman of colour would have to have impacted her growing up and also socially- i'd love to hear any thoughts on this from fans of colour, as i'm white and so any theories i could come up with would likely be a poor approximation). and she'd definitely like the pretty dresses and stunning rooms of versailles, and for that i can't blame her.

thomas: most of thomas we sort of got to see in Free Pass- the detail nitpicking, the excitement until a specific trigger from his life (in this case, lord byron, the man thomas considers his greatest enemy, although i’d be curious to know whether byron acually had any idea of thomas thorne’s existence) causes him to go into a full thomas hissy-fit. sure, the emotion is real to him, but he absolutely plays it up, even trying to get humphrey’s body to fetch alison so she can see how ‘upset’ he is (thomas reminds me of a child in this respect). there’d probably be less of the tantruming for a movie that had already been made, although i’m not so sure about the memory point. The Thomas Thorne Affair sort of brought out thomas’s big Unresolved Life Mystery, and now i think all that’s left for him to work through has got to be a lot more internal. sure, he’d be reminded of a few good old parties, and maybe any romance scenes might trigger some of the sad isabelle/general lost love emotions, but i don’t think they’d be anything particularly spectacular.

fanny: now fanny would be a real stickler for accuracy. she would be calling out every makeup, decorative, hair, wardrobe, architectural, and lingual failure with the classic lady button judgement in her voice. this is probably half because she can't help herself, but half a measure to distract herself from actually having to pay proper attention and relive her life. i think fanny struggles a lot with no longer running her own household (along with the shifting morals, and fashions, of the modern world), and so to be reminded of everything she can no longer have would be tough. i'm not saying she would long for a time when women didn't have a lot of rights, but she went from a wealthy society woman who held a lot of power in her own sphere to a ghost, unable to touch anything or even be seen by the living (save for the photo glitch), and stuck spending her days with a motley crew of equally frustrating ghosts whom she doesn't always feel respected by (noting that 'respect' to fanny is much the same as deference). she could have it a lot worse, but i think fanny would much prefer to not have to think about her old life.

the captain: the captain is an interesting one. he's one of the few ghosts who actively seeks out media related to his time, although that's within the impersonal war documentary which focuses on facts and mechanics as opposed to day to day realities and feelings. on the one hand, any war film for the captain would be sure to rake up memories of wartime (even if he never made the front- that remains unconfirmed), and the immense grief that comes with watching the people around you slowly stop returning home. the captain is a war fanatic, and has no problem talking about the great battles, victories, and tactics, so i think the heightened emotional states that a film presents would be the key to unlocking the captain's inevitable wartime trauma and going beyond the surface level facts. for that reason, i'd really like the captain to see Peter Weir's Gallipoli. i know it's the wrong war and the wrong country (although the australian's were technically part of the British forces), but i think the overarching themes of the idolisation of the military, the deconstruction of the glory of war, and the intense (bordering on the homoerotic) although never quite realised relationship between Archy and Frank (which, spoiler alert, ends in tragedy), could give the captain a lot in terms of food for thought and unlocking some of those deeper experiences. on the other hand, the captain watching a period film set in the years before his war could be equally interesting- i think they'd play on some his is insecurities and general issues surrounding the difficulty he may have had fitting in with day-to-day life (not just due to his homosexuel répression, but due to his broader issues with fitting in socially which we see through his interactions with both the ghosts and his own forces- some particularly valid fans have used these to headcanon cap as autistic). in short, films would unlock a fair few memories for cap, but even more EMOTIONS.

pat: with pat and julian it gets interesting because while yes, technically any movie set in a non-current time period is a ‘period piece’, you also have to deal with the fact that they’re going to have less impact on their respective ghosts because you also have actual movies from those periods floating around. for this reason, my answers for pat and julian are relatively similar: they wouldnt have any more memories appear than for any film coming from while they were alive. for pat, this means he’d get pretty excited about ones that came from his childhood (pat would be a giant sci fi fan don’t @ me he loves technology), but i think anything that came with too strong a family attachmet, or that he watched in the weeks/months/year leading up to his death might bring out the angry pat we saw in Happy Death Day and Perfect Day. anger is how his inherent death trauma (and the additional loss that comes from the world moving on without you) manifests, so i definitely think that would come out here, even if he isn’t quite able to put his finger on why specific movies make him so angry/irritated. for pat, childhood memories would abound, but the closer we get to his death, there’s less memories but definitely more unresolved emotion.

julian: see my point above about the whole period-film-vs-regular-film thing. julian doesn’t really strike me as a movie person, and i definitely think he wouldn’t give much care to the influx of 80s/90s set british political media (think The Iron Lady etc). in his words, “i don’t really care for politics, and they’re all too busy trying to push their labor propaganda”. he just makes a captain-inspired noise when alison reminds him that he WAS a politician. julian is another character who accesses his memories pretty easily (although they’re usually either horny or at least slightly morally bankrupt), and i honestly find it hard to give a tory emotions so i’m very excited to see how the christmas special manages. julian is a self-centred bloke though, so i think only things that are directly about him could have the power to rake up buried memories and feelings. now i really want to see julian watching a documentary on himself and just getting outraged.

thanks for this one, sorry for the delay!!

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calicorn · 4 years

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My experience with WeLoveFine/ForFansByFans as an artist.

This in regards to the Act 6/7 Tarot Project, which occurred from 2017 to 2018. I also want to thank @aryll for the chance to participate in such a project, and thank you for doing what you could with the group and what occurred. I realize this is a few years late, however, but it’s been bothering me ever since it occurred, and I only chose to speak my mind about it. But to summarize, the project started out as unofficial, however we were approached by FFBF in February of 2018. They were willing to sell the deck as official merchandise on their store. I have my own opinions on the company, as it’s known they underpay artists severely for their work despite selling most items for extremely high prices. A similar payment issue occurred with the Official Homestuck Zine, and one of the artists of the Tarot Project posted this in the comments: “Can relate OP. I did work for the new tarot deck (using my throwaway account for that reason lol) but we aren’t being paid at all. No money. The only compensation we are getting is a free deck and an exclusive enamel pin which is pennies compared to what they’ll be making off us. One might argue that the project wasn’t supposed to be printed so I should be grateful it’s even happening but I expected a big company like WLF to y’know, pay artists... The only reason I agreed to letting them use my art was to get a free deck. I also honestly dislike WLF’s artist compensation policy. My art has been selected from the Fan Forge before and the idea of being able to sell my HS art was so appealing, but the execution is so poor. They don’t pay us until we sell $100 worth of shirts, but that is so difficult in a market that is so oversaturated. I wish they like, cycled designs in and out. Instead, they just keep adding more and more designs, drowning out old ones and just flooding the entire market. Plus, they get to withhold money from artists until every hundred-dollar mark. I can’t imagine how much they’ve made off of small time artists that get their design accepted and sell maybe 3 shirts since it happens so often.” So. What exactly happened? I’ll explain under the cut given there’s a decent amount to go through. Though to summarize; WeLoveFine/ForFansByFans is an extremely egregious company that does not value their artists whatsoever and will do what they can to pay them as little as possible. Please support said artists on sites that actually do give them fair pay, or support them via commissions.

There were a few bumps during the tarot project, though overall it went extremely smoothly and we released our art to the Tumblr blog. FFBF approached us during this time, and we were all given the option to agree to continue working or the project or decline. However, this is what was an important piece to the initial email sent out by the Tarot Project team; • Each participating artist will get a full finalized copy of the deck, COMPLETELY free. This includes packaging and free shipping of the deck. • Each participating artist will get an enamel pin commemorating the project, EXCLUSIVE to the artists of this project only, with a custom design as chosen/designed by us. What will most likely occur is that everyone who wishes to submit a design for the pin can do so, and as a group, we will vote on which one we would like to submit as our final design choice! • Each participating artist will receive FULL COMMISSION on any further usage of their artwork by What Pumpkin or For Fans By Fans. For example, if they release a mini-print, wallet, etc. with your design on it, you will be paid in commission for the usage of your work. (If you have ANY questions about how this would work, please don’t hesitate to ask and I will hook you up ASAP with a For fans By Fans representative who can go over the details with you further.) • Each participating artist will have a window in which they will be able to make updates or revisions to their illustration(s) before the project is released. This means that if something is bugging you about your work, or you feel that it does not reflect your current level of skill, you will be allowed to resubmit a new version before the project officially goes up as merchandise! So, the majority of us agreed to continue forward with the project and retouch our cards. From there, things continued, and we were emailed by a FFBF representative on occasion to discuss how the process went, as well as various other things that required discussion, plus asked to assist in the promotion of the 4/13/18 celebration on their website. This is where the issues began and would continue through the entire project, with it still being seen post-release of the cards. We were sent an email in April of 2018 requiring information to be provided in the accompanying booklet of the deck, as well as being asked to answer various interview questions that would be posted to FFBF’s Tumblr, and most importantly; the Commission Agreement form. So what did it entail? This was the form I was sent. My interview was never posted. I have looked multiple times and never seen evidence it ever was, either. And this was also included in the email; • We are going to be hosting a pre-order bonus promotion surrounding the new tarot set, starting 413. Anyone who pre-orders the set will be entered into a drawing to win a commissioned art piece from a random artist who worked on the tarot. You will be paid by us, FFBF, for this commission work in the amount of $50. So we had to draw more art with a very close deadline date to obtain a payment for art we had already created, both of which should have easily been worth more than $50 total. I signed without thinking, which looking back on, was incredibly idiotic, despite my own worries over the fact that even at the time, $50 did not seem like a lot. Progress continued. An exclusive pin was designed and created for the artists, though the production and delivery dates would be delayed to September of 2018. During this time, we were also invited to join FFBF’s Discord server as well, which I am still in, though am not active in. And eventually, we were provided a Commission Schedule. I do not know if I’m missing an email between the enamel pin shipment and this schedule post, however I cannot find any trace of it. This is the Commission Schedule email, and what it consists of. Of course I found it strange, because looking at the schedule, I could never find any sign of myself having been added. Obviously I should have replied then and there due to that, but I didn’t, and that is my own fault. But that rolled into October of 2018, when I did finally email back and asked about why I hadn’t been added. I was sent back this; “Hi Calicorn! I’m sorry I misinterpreted your response as not wanting to proceed:“3) I am completely willing to sign up for being one of the artists for the commission raffle event, though I must say $50 would be underpaying considering most artists’ base prices for commissions tend to be $50 or more.” Then I sent “If you do not want to be part of the give-away, that’s totally ok. We are offering $50 for these commissions but if that price is not within your comfort, there’s no pressure!” You never came back with anything so I didn’t want to proceed since it seemed like you were uncomfortable with the amount we were offering – I’m really sorry if I misunderstood! The giveaway is actually over I’m sorry to say but I appreciate you following up about this. I wonder why the message went into spam.. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do for you Thanks!” And one of the most glaring issues popped up in October as well. When we finally received our decks in the mail, our project’s Discord group began to discuss the fact that our emails had been printed in the pamphlet without our permission. Mind you, this was also a project that included minors in it, and our emails had now been given away without our knowledge. Another issue with the pamphlets is the fact that FFBF had reused the same text from the Homestuck Kickstarter Tarot Deck, as seen on the New Booklet/Old Booklet, and here/here. FFBF then decided to remove the booklet from every outgoing tarot that gets ordered, with customers receiving a corrected digital PDF that was coordinated in its creation by Aryll. And apparently previous customers would receive this PDF via emails, as well as a link to download it on the product page. Thankfully FFBF seemed to have at least posted the PDF on the product page, however this seems extremely lazy compared to simply including the newly reprinted booklet. Though this may not be the last of issues, as I stumbled across the Amazon product page for our tarot deck earlier before typing this all up. To say the least, it is extremely infuriating, especially given the quality of the cards and how many people of complained about them on both Amazon and FFBF’s websites. Of course we, the artists, were never alerted to this development, nor were we paid for such.

But overall, we were hardly paid for our time and effort during this project, which is a massive disappointment, but perhaps that much should have been expected from WeloveFine/ForFansByFans, who are notorious for underpaying artists and overpricing products. Their actions are inexcusable, and I am still both disappointed and furious with this company as a whole. But thank you for reading, and please spread the word, as I do not want FFBF’s actions to go unnoticed.

#homestuck #welovefine #forfansbyfans #act6tarotproject

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inkandpen22 · 3 years

Text

Somewhere (4/?)

Pairing: Sirius Black x Female!Reader

Warning: None

Word Count: 1.6k

Part Summary: Y/N and Sirius have been together for a month now. He’s hesitant to show her his world, but Y/N is eager to see it all.

Masterlist

A month later...

I dance around the boutique, distracted by the thought of seeing Sirius after my shift. Soon, we’ll be together again and who knows what he has planned! He’s already shown me such amazing things! Yesterday, we apparated to Scotland on a side of a mountain for a sunset picnic. It was a beautiful picnic blanket too. Sirius used a magical basket that set itself up! He thought it was funny how fascinated I was by it. Some nights he’ll appear in my room when I’m in the bathroom getting ready for bed. He’ll stay until morning, then leave before Brady wakes up. It’s though keeping this from Brady and everyone. They believe I’m out with girls I graduated with when really I’m with Sirius. Maybe one day I can tell them the truth.

“Are you alright, Y/N?” Lauren gives me a curious look while she hangs up new items on the racks.

“I’m excellent!” I gleam, humming a sweet tune.

“Does this have anything to do with Jay?” She insinuates.

“Why Jay?”

“He did have those flowers delivered here last week. He was over for dinner last night,” she lists.

“Brady invited him,” I remind her of that crucial detail.

“So your Sleeping Beauty dancing has nothing to do with him?”

“It could,” I lie as Sirius’s face crosses my mind.

She hums, sending me a knowing look. “Sure...”

I go about my business, finishing up some paperwork before I sign out for the day. There is T-20 minutes before I’m out that front door and down the block. Sirius is picking me up on his bike. He hasn’t told me what we’re doing today, whatever it is I’m looking forward to it.

Lauren places the remaining unused hangers on the counter in front of me. “Are you still meeting going shopping with friends from school?”

“Yes!” I blurt out, a tad too enthused. “I’m taking the bus to meet them right after work!”

“Okay,” she giggles at my reaction. “Be careful! Call if you need me or your brother to come to get you,”

I hum, eager for this shift to end. The sooner it ends, the sooner I can be with Sirius, and the sooner these daydreams will be satisfied.

_____________________________

Sirius has surprised me with a visit to Diagon Alley! He’s spoken so much about it and I’ve begged him to go nearly every time he brings it up. He’s taken me to a place called The Leaky Cauldron. It looks like any other pub on an ordinary road. However, Sirius tells me it acts as a gateway between the non-wizarding world and his world. I wasn’t surprised to see Sirius’s friends gathered around a table when we arrived. I’ve met them frequently over the last few weeks and have grown quite fond of Lily in particular. Remus and Peter are sweet as well. James and Marlene, however, are apprehensive of me and understandably so. Marlene isn’t nearly as bad as James though. He believes I don’t like Sirius for the right reasons and he holds a grudge against me because of my brother. Sirius pays no mind to James’s subtle comments so nor do I. I understand he’s just trying to look out for his friend.

As we sip on some butterbeer- I think it’s called- I continue pestering Lily with questions. I find myself up at night constantly conjuring up more and more! As soon as I learn an answer, a new question comes to mind.

I lean forward in my seat, eager to learn more. “Is it true guys can change your appearance?! Like into animals?!”

“See, you muggles believe everything you read about us,” James remarks to the rest of the table with a sly grin.

“Um but we actually can do that...” Remus points out at the other end.

I glance down the table, my jaw basically on it, “wait, what?!”

“Okay well, we’re special!” James justifies.

“Even you?” I ask Sirius, astonished.

He chuckles, leaning back in his chair and resting his arm across the back of mine. “Yes, even me.”

I turn to face him swiftly. “What are you?!”

“He’s a mutt,” Marlene snickers from beside Remus.

“A black dog!” Sirius corrects proudly.

“What about the lack of technology? Are you against modern science?” I rush out questions, consumed by my curiosity.

“No, we don’t live in the stone age!” James laughs.

“We just don’t have a use for it,” Lily rephrases more kindly, giving her husband the side-eyed with a swat to the arm.

“So misunderstood,” James grumbles to himself, referring to the wizarding world.

“Tell me more!” I direct my enthusiasm at James.

The boy glances between me and Lily, unsure of how to react. “You want to hear more from?”

I nod frantically. I’ll listen to anyone, but I know James will be the most honest.

“Oh,” he sits up in his seat. “Um okay. Well-”

“Nice thing only!” Sirius warns.

“Boring!” James argues, snickering.

“No,” I tell Sirius. “I want to know everything, good and bad.”

“If you say so,” James chuckles, resting his arms on the table. He hums, “where to start...” Then, a smirk forms across his lips as he meets my eye. “Firstly, muggles expect us to be these foreign, extraterrestrial, things that are no bloody good!”

The table erupts in protests from everyone, except Marlene who likely agrees with James.

“What happened to play nice,” Sirius groans, tossing his head back beside me.

James holds up his hands in surrender. “It’s not that I’m anti-muggle. I’m anti-immiscible,”

“Hey!” I bark at the boy.

“Not you lovely, Y/N,” he assures, taking my hand across the table with a slick grin to tease me. “You’re just perfect!”

I roll my eyes, slipping my hands-free from his grip. Sirius wraps his arm around my waist, bring me into his side protectively.

“The trouble is they’re too lazy!” James mimics a squeaky voice, which I imagine is to be a non-wizard woman.

“The trouble is they’re too advanced!” Marlene adds to the mix with a snarky smirk directed at me. “The trouble is they’re too different!”

“The trouble is their men are too handsome and they’ll take all our women,” James adds, sending me a wink.

“They don’t want to be troubled with our issues,” Remus states simply, in a much more diplomatic way than Marlene and James.

“Oh yeah right, because muggles have never had diplomacy issues!” James sarcastically remarks, spinning his butterbeer glass around. “Civil wars? Never heard of them!”

“They say ‘we’ve got problems of our own!’” Marlene snickers bitterly.

“They want us to slapping ourselves on the wrist for being the special kids in the class!’” James demonstrates, tapping himself on the hands with a pout.

“On our knees pleading with your Prime Minister!” Marlene laughs, glancing at James beside her.

“Because no one wants to deal with us,” Remus adds, not feeding into the theatrics as much as the other two.

James clasps his hands together, jokingly pleading to me.“We need your help! What are we to do?!’“

“Dear Mr. Prime Minister, bibbidi bobbidi boo!“ Marlene teases.

“Do you really say that?” I whisper to Sirius.

“No,” Sirius laughs.

“Are you really interested in what we do?” James cuts the mocking abruptly. He peers at me with narrowed eyes and a mischievous smirk.

I trust James about as far as I can throw him. He’s not fond of non-magic people, though he claims I’m fine. I’m sure that’s sole because Sirius has given him trouble about playing nice.

“What would you like to know?” Remus asks specifically.

I shrug, releasing a breathless laugh. “Show me everything! Tell me how it all works!”

“Everything?” Peter repeats, sounding overwhelmed already. “Can we show her?” He asks around the table.

“I don’t see why not?” Sirius defends casually with a shrug.

“You say that every time you break a rule,” Lily teases with a snicker.

“I wanna learn everything!” I interject, switching my sight between each person around the table.

“A muggle who wants to know more about wizardry?” Marlene raises a brow.

“Do you work for your government or something?” James fires.

“Yes! I’m genuinely fascinated by it!” I assure them.

Sirius rubs his hand up and down my back comfortingly as I await James to make a decision.

“Well okay then, let’s do it,” he determines. “But let’s do it right!”

Sirius and the others take me through Diagon Alley. James leads the way like he’s a tour guide. I peer into all of the shop windows in amazement. I just knew their world would be miraculous! I had a feeling it was far bigger than any one of us could’ve imagined! It appears like any other shopping centers, except there’s so much charm to it.

"Are you happy?" Sirius leans down to whisper in my ear.

I wrap my free hand around his arm as we stroll and he interlocks our fingers.

"I'm over the moon! This... how is it possible?!" I don't know where to look, to my left or right. I'm like a child in a candy shop.

"It's like I'm seeing the world for the first time through you," Sirius admires, kissing my temple.

"You too are sickening," Marlene grumbles as she passes us to catch up with Lily.

"Ignore her," Sirius instructs, bitterly glaring at the girl.

"I am," I mutter. I don't plan on giving Marlene a second thought.

"That's my girl." He brings my hand to his lips for a peck.

There’s magic in every corner! Floating books, mythical creatures, unique foods, it’s a whole new world! It’s incredible that it exists hidden within my own and has now for centuries. How did it remain hidden for so long without everyone noticing? There’s so much to learn and see! It's utterly remarkable!

___________________________

Masterlist

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serensama · 4 years

Text

To Release #3

Jaehee needs to let MC go.

Years ago, I had asked the amazing @promiscuous-jalapeno to write a HC for me when I was too scared to write my own and she did an amazing job- tore me right up it did. I asked her shortly thereafter if she minded if I tried to do it and she was kind enough to encourage me. Nearly 4 years and I’ve finally done it.

Trigger warnings: Character death, mentions of blood and aneurysm.

This is for my friend, my sister- Susana. I don’t know how to let you go. But one day I will. And one day I will see you again. Rest well until then dear one.

This is for my baby, my puppy Meiko- run free my little one. I know you’ll be waiting for me too. Keep Susana company and keep her safe until we catch up, okay? Good Boy.

- It was just a routine check-up.

- It was the bane of her existence so of course she delayed it as far as possible because she hated doing it.

- But Jaehee wouldn’t relent when she found out the last time she had a pap smear was over six years ago.

- In amidst all the “I can’t believe you’ve been so irresponsible” or “You have to look after yourself” and “What were you doing before you started dating me?” she didn’t fail to hear what her girlfriend was truly saying, I love you and I want you to love yourself as much as I do.

- Which, if she was being honest was half the reason she stayed away from those little metal contraptions of pain was because she loved herself… but she was arguing semantics with herself and that wouldn’t get her anywhere. Or get her girlfriend to stop prodding her to go and get it done.

- So, Jaehee stopped nagging and just booked her in for an appointment.

- MC could still remember the instant rage she felt at hearing her just make a choice for her, especially when it came to her own body. Yes she understood that Jaehee had done it coming from a place of good and only with the purest of intents- but it still pissed of her off to no end. She almost threw the dough she was kneading right in her pretty face. “Jaehee, I’m not a child-”

“Well you’re certainly acting like it.” “Urgh! Stop it! I know that I needed to get tested but I wanted to do this in my own time, with my own doctors and-”

“I booked it in with your doctor.” “That’s not the point!” “We can reschedule the appointments to later if you wish.” “Yes! I will reschedule the… wait… appointments?” “Of course, our appointments. You don’t think I would ask you to do something you’re so obviously worried alone would you?” she asked wiping the sweat on her upper lip on the back of her arm, completely focused on finishing up the cleaning of the kitchen. Jaehee waited for a moment to see if she would answer before continuing with a disbelieving shake of her head. “You know me better than that. I may have booked you in without your knowledge but I was never going to force you into going. I just wanted to kick you into action is all. Your health is important to me. “… I know.” “I love you.”

“I know.” “That and no-one else makes cinnamon rolls as good as you can.”

“Ha, damn straight they don’t.”

- At the very least when MC finally lay there ready to be examined, with her hands fisted under her ass and legs embarrassingly spread flush against the bed, she was comforted by Jaehee’s soft caresses of her shoulder and her kind, encouraging words whispered into her ear- MC knew she was not alone. A favour she fully intended to repay once her girlfriend replaced her to be the one who was prodded and poked.

- It was over within 15 minutes for the both of them.

- She didn’t even know why she had kept putting it off. Yes it was awkward and uncomfortable but for the peace of mind it gave to Jaehee and the irreplaceable smile it drew upon her face, she’d do it again in a heartbeat. Well. In the next three years at least.

- Life went much back to normal, day in and out at the coffee shop and then back home with her… she couldn’t ask for much more than that.

- She had all but forgotten about the test until she got a call three days later. She remembered her doctor’s voice on the other line asking if she wanted to come in and the instead dread that filled her veins at her tone. Why would they call if it was all normal? Why would they ask to speak face to face if it wasn’t serious? MC couldn’t recall exactly what she said but she knew it was in the lines of “just put me out of my misery.”

- But she couldn’t.

- She said they results were inconclusive and abnormal results didn’t necessarily mean the worst, however further testing needed to be done.

- Fine. More horrible tests. She could deal with that. She could. It was going to be fine.

- MC had delayed telling Jaehee, she didn’t know how to tell her. Whenever she rehearsed it in her head it always sounded like she was already saying her goodbyes and the last thing she wanted was to give her a coronary because she misspoke.

- It was only until the night before her next scheduled test that she finally gave in and told her. Just blurting it out without any preamble because no matter how she said it, her fear coloured her words.

- Jaehee… took it very well.

- Surprisingly well.

- She sat there for a couple of minutes, eyes fluttering for a moment before blinking rapidly, as if her brain was catching up and processing everything MC had just said to her. “So… at the moment they aren’t sure what it is and need to do further tests to make sure they can treat whatever it is you may have properly, is that correct?” she asked clasping her hands together in a way that reminded MC of Jumin after Saeyoung and Yoosung had just told him that they took Elizabeth the Third to the wrong groomers and they had shaved off all her fur bar her head and tail- like he was trying to figure out how to fix their mistake but also find a way to kick their asses. Jaehee may not want to kick her ass but it was as if she was attempting to already plan how to fix this all for her… and most likely disappointed in her for not telling her sooner. “I’m sorry okay?” MC sulked, pressing her palms against the top of her thighs, fingers scrunched in the fabric of her dress. “I know I messed up by not telling you sooner I just… I didn’t know how to. I don’t even know what to think at the moment.”

- Jaehee reached over, her dainty fingers curling around her own and giving them a reassuring squeeze. MC peered up from her lap and into her partner’s large eyes and returned her tentative smile. “Don’t apologise, I get it. I totally do. I’m not mad. You didn’t mess up- I just want to make sure I have all the details I need to help you. I’m coming to this a little later than you so I’m catching up and-” “Planning?” “Ah… yes. Yes I guess I am. Take the girl out of the Assistant role, but you can’t take the Assistant out of the girl.”

- MC could understand that. Everyone reacted things differently and if Jaehee needed to gather information and plan for all possible contingencies then she would not deny her that. Herself- she much preferred to wallow and stress because that was all she could do.

- Physical exam, Biopsy, Biopsy, Bloods and Physical exam, Imaging…

- She was really getting over seeing her doctors and sitting in waiting rooms. Getting real sick of Jaehee calling off sick with her to sit with her at every appointment and asking all the questions she should be asking herself.

- It was two weeks later after all the tests had come back, her hand in Jaehee’s, sat in two worn and uncomfortable armchairs that she received the news she had been dreading to hear. Stage 3. Spread to lymph nodes. Was Asymptomatic. Aggressive treatment for aggressive growth. Immediately. Shit. Shit.

- She could feel the squeeze of Jaehee’s hand tighten with each moment that passed. MC glanced to the side to see a calm veneer painted upon her girlfriend’s face as she nodded along with whatever the doctor was saying, interjecting whenever appropriate to ask more questions or to clarify something she may have misunderstood.

- MC on the other hand could barely talk, she believed she may have thanked the doctor and agreed to seeing them for a follow up and to start their treatment regime. She remembered picking up her bag and apologising to someone she ran into getting off the elevator. Recalled the feel of the cheap leather on the backseat of the taxi under her hands as she slid herself over to make room for Jaehee.

- After moments of silence, Jaehee cleared her throat and looked out the window. “Um.. what did you want for lunch?”

- And then she cried. Cried for her anxiety and her fear, cried for her frustration and her exhaustion, cried for herself and for Jaehee. She didn’t care that the driver kept looking up in his rear-view mirror to gawk at the sobbing mess she had become; all she could handle was the immense weight of what she was to face and the feel of her girlfriend’s hand slip into her own, the familiar feeling loosening up the shackles that were constricting her chest just that little bit. It was her turn to squeeze Jaehee’s hand.

- Being at hospital sucked. Like… s u c k e d.

- She hated that her friends couldn’t see her because they were afraid she’d get sicker and that Jaehee was taking even more time away from work to be with her. She was tired all the time and the room wouldn’t stop spinning, food tasted funny and she was just bored. MC was so used to running around from dawn till dusk, she was always talking to people and baking and laughing and… God, when was the last time she really laughed?

- … When was the last time Jaehee had laughed?

- She was always so calm and understanding it wanted to make her scream sometimes. But she kept quiet because… she just didn’t have any words.

- The surgery and first course of treatment went well enough that the doctors were happy for her to leave. Even though she was being wheeled out, it felt like she was dancing. She was never so happy to see the crowded streets and being stuck in a traffic jam. It was so much better than sitting in a hospital bed feeling sorry for herself.

- It was also better than watching Jaehee pouring over different journals and websites to better prepare of what may come in regards to her illness and other treatments which could help progress her rehabilitation. Or so she thought it would be, if the woman ever stopped.

- Jaehee was no longer working, putting more and more responsibility on the assistant manager than she should have been. No more.

- “Jaehee?” she called out from the sofa to her at the dining table, the woman looking so tiny amongst all the books that were open and the loose pieces of paper strewn about everywhere with her scribbled notes. Jaehee pushed up her glasses, something she hadn’t worn in the longest time and turned to face her. “Can we go to the coffee shop please? I’m really over just staying here doing nothing but watching daytime soaps. I can literally feel my brain rotting.”

Jaehee frowned and sat up, wincing as she stretched out the knotted muscles of her lower back and craning her neck side to side, loud cracks resounding in the air. “MC,” she began, the disapproval in her tone more than evident. “I don’t think that’s a great idea, you’re stabilised sure, but why should we take more risks than necessary?” she posed as she spun her body to completely face her.

- MC took in the sight of her. Hair pulled back into a messy bun, fingerprints all over the lenses on her glasses; clothes rumpled with a coffee stain down her front from where she accidentally spilled it on herself earlier that morning as she multi-tasked between balancing the shop’s books and researching if there were any homeopathic remedies that would help with her aches and pains to work alongside her prescribed drugs. Jaehee was burning herself out and if she didn’t take care of herself soon, the next time they’d be in hospital would be for her and there was no way she’d allow Jaehee to get that sick and drained ever again. She made that promise when she first joined the RFA and not this illness- not even Jaehee herself- would make her break her promise.

- “You took a risk on me and that paid off. You took a risk on the business with me… and that’s paid off… can’t you trust me about this again? It’s barely a risk at all. Just me in the corner with a book as you work.” She could see Jaehee’s resolve weaken as she gave her the best rendition of puppy eyes she could muster. Her beleaguered girlfriend pulled off her glasses and untied her hair, running her fingers through them as she let out a long, deep groan. “You’ll be the death of me, you know that right?” she grinned, the mirth not quite reaching her sleep deprived eyes.

- It took a while but they both learned how to adjust to their new normal. It took a little bit longer to get ready each day, making sure they had the right concoction of pills to last her until they made it back home and packing things like blankets, extra pillows or scarves to ensure her comfort at their cafe.

- MC had tried multiple spots within their quaint little shop, however trying to find a location that was both comfortable and in the direct line of vision of her lovely girlfriend proved difficult. This chair was too hard. That chair too soft. This chair she couldn’t see Jaehee except for a tuft of hair- until finally, on their fifth day and a lot of back pain later, she sat in the large wingback chair by the window, just to the left of the register. Jaehee would began to place a reserved sign there so no one could take the seat away from her beloved MC.

- Jaehee was grateful that they could spend time together like this, even if it meant just stealing looks at MC every so often whenever she got the chance. At night they would come home and curl up on the couch, both wrapped up in a quilt with a cup of tea in their hands as they watched whatever movie played on the TV. It didn’t matter because she never paid attention to it, she focused on the feel of the woman’s body beside her.

- Because it felt right to have her next to her.

- Because it felt right to hear her muted laughter, or how she sometimes slurped her tea near the end of the cup or just to hear the breath go in and out of her.

- … and because she knew all those things were beginning to fade.

- Although she had not succumbed to any of the viruses that had been around during the winter season, she grew more lethargic, her once healthy body slowly diminishing in size and strength; the beat of her heart strained under the hand she pressed against her sleeping girlfriend’s chest at night to make sure she was still with her.

- She had done that every night since they received the diagnosis. Every night.

- But she held it together, she had to. She had to do it for MC, to show her that she didn’t have to worry about anything besides getting better. It didn’t matter if she was being torn apart inside, or if she was falling behind in her work at the shop, that she never slept anymore or wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and pretend this was just one long nightmare. It was for MC. She had to keep it together for MC.

- She had gotten worse. There was… it had spread too much… too aggressive… too fast. It was all too much and again, MC accepted it all, no words to say.

- That was when Jaehee decided upon the only correct plan moving forward.

- She spoke to Jumin. He had agreed to buy the shop from her on the proviso that when MC was better that she buy it back from him and continue on as per normal.

- That night, at home with a tub of ice cream, sitting alone on the floor of her living room did she allow herself a moment of weakness. From one tear free-falling from her eye to another, she allowed them to pool into the melting confection resting between her thighs. She had tried her best to stem the flow, reminding herself of the responsibilities she had and not to wallow but now that she allowed the dam of emotions open there was no stopping it. Jaehee bit down on her bottom lip and muffled cries eked through her teeth, racking breaths rattling through her chest as she dug the heels of her palms into her eyes- praying for her treacherous eyes to stop, just stop. Please.

- … Someone.

- Please make this all stop.

- Jaehee had fallen asleep slumped over the coffee table, eyes sore and face puffy from crying and one hand sticky from having been submerged in thawed ice cream for half the night.

- That was how MC found her, comforter wrapped around her like an adorable sleepy handroll. “Baby, did you sleep here all night? Is everything alright?” she asked her, the concern plain on her face. Jaehee fought with herself to not let her thoughts transfer to her expression, of course nothing was alright, it hadn’t been alright for a long time. However Jaehee was a fighter and so was MC, she would not admit defeat just yet.

“Oh yes, just a harder day at work than normal yesterday,” she lied as she slowly moved her way to stand up. MC grimaced at Jaehee’s sluggish and pained movements. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to come in yesterday and if that made you worry more. I’m much better today, I can go in-”

“That won’t be necessary we’re both staying home,” she replied matter-of-factly, side stepping around MC as she made her way to the kitchen to clean herself up. She heard the soft shuffles of MC’s feet patter behind her as well as a sound of confusion bubble within her throat. “Huh? What? No it’s fine, let me just clean up and we can go-” “We’re not. I sold the cafe.”

- MC nearly fell down at the revelation. “You what?” she asked, sleep hoarse voice breaking as she leaned against the wall for support, not trusting her knees to keep her standing. Jaehee wiped her hands on a nearby dish towel and sighed, not really in the mood to discuss anything without having caffeine in her body. “I sold the shop to Jumin. This way I can stay home with you and we can go to the all the doctors’ appointments together and try to figure this thing out step by step.” Jaehee flicked on the kettle and began preparing two cups, far too tired to brew anything so she reached for the instant coffee. “Jaehee-”

“Mm?”

“Stop.” “You don’t want coffee? Prefer tea?” “That’s not what I meant and you know it.” “I don’t understand-” “You need to get the cafe back from Jumin,” MC replied with more life in her voice than she had had for the last couple of weeks. Jaehee put down the teaspoon and braced herself against the countertop, head pressed against the cabinets lined along the wall. “You can’t stop living just because-” “Because you’re dying?” she yelled, not able to tear her eyes away from the spot on the wall. “I can’t change anything because you’ve resigned yourself to this without even a word for me? For yourself? How can you act like any of this isn’t driving you insane?! How can you stand there and just ask me to not do everything I can-”

- MC stepped forward and opened her arms, encompassing Jaehee into her quilt covered embrace, her arms holding her as tightly as she was able. “I know… I know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I don’t have the words. That I have nothing to say about what is happening to me. I’m sorry that I left you to speak and ask and do everything for me and also expect you to think of yourself,” she pulled away to see Jaehee’s with misty eyes and cheeks splattered with red. Delicately placing a hand against her cheek, MC pressed a faint kiss to the tip of her nose and breathed in time with her. “I know you’re busy looking out for me… let me… while I still can… let me look out for you.”

- The shop was back in Jaehee’s name within the day.

- As difficult as it was, MC managed to make it into work with Jaehee. Even as the days passed and she grew weaker, she still mustered the strength to smile at everyone who would stop and talk to her. She would ask for the gossip from regulars who she had learned so much about over the years. Jaehee would take frequent breaks to check up on her and to ask if she needed anything. MC would always just smile and ask for a new book from the stack their staff would always add to. Her heart full whenever their employees would come up at the start of the day and drop off another non-descript book for her to read or doodle over.

- Some days were good, some days were… not good.

- More and more often Jaehee would look over from serving a customer and MC was fast asleep, clutching a book to her like a child with their teddy.

- Every passing day it took so much more out of her to get to her chair, to drink her coffee, to turn a page… to smile. To hide her pain. There were days she was so heavily medicated that Jaehee had begged for her to go back home or ‘for God’s sake please let me take you to the hospital!’

- MC would always snap out of it enough to shake her head and reply, “Sorry Jaehee, I’m up to a really good part of the story. I need to finish it.”

- Then one day she didn’t.

- She had closed up shop, luckily it was a quiet day so she made the executive decision to finish up early. “Don’t worry baby, I’ll be just a minute.” She was wiping down the last table just beside MC and looked over with a tired smile on her face, to see MC sleeping soundly- with her latest book on the ground. Jaehee could feel her heart leap up in the base of her throat, her breath stolen away in an instant. Slowly but steadily she walked over to MC, deliberately clicking her heels loudly against the floor to wake her. When she reached her chair she let her hand hover over her face to see if she could feel her warm breath against her palm. She pressed her cheek. Shook at her- her body completely limp as it sank against the armrest.

- Jaehee plummeted to her knees and dove into MC’s lap, the woman screaming into it as she allowed herself to cry, praying that her girlfriend would come back and lay her hands atop her head and run her fingers through her hair. To touch her, hold her, god damn it just- anything. Wiping her face against the blanket that rested upon MC’s legs, Jaehee hiccoughed and spluttered, not caring if any passer-by happened to see her on the floor in tears. She swiped at her face haphazardly, knowing that her skin would be red and irritated from her lack of care. Fighting to regain her breath that continued to elude her, lungs burning, eyes stinging, heart cold.

- On her hands and knees she moved to pick up the fallen book from the ground, eyes scanning for a title to see what were the last words that may have graced her consciousness.

“… I’m sorry I’ve left it to these pages Jaehee, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to say the words when you needed them. I may not have them still... but maybe you can find them now- somewhere in these last few diaries I have written for you. My thoughts. My fears. My dreams. My love for you.. Every hope. Every wish, It’s all here and all for you. The greatest part of my story. I love you.”

- Jaehee squeezed her eyes shut and wailed, her cries filling the largely empty space, echoing back to her. Sitting back onto her haunches she tried to steady herself as best as she could, clutching the book to her chest like she had seen MC do countless of times. Perhaps if she held it hard enough, it would start to resemble the way it felt to hold her- and if she pushed the realms of her imagination- the way it felt to be held.

- Jaehee couldn’t bring herself to read any of the 4 diaries MC had written. She couldn’t. She knew that MC meant them to be comforting, maybe even assist her in moving on- but she didn’t want to comforted, she didn’t want to move on. She had cordoned off MC’s chair and table, with a permanent ‘reserved’ sign to ensure no one would be able to sit where only she belonged. There, perched upon the table in a neat pile, were the books; gathering dust in between the weekly dusting that one of the staff members were tasked to do.

- That was until half a year later, when one of the regular’s children had slipped under the velvet rope and sat in the chair, the young girl picking up on of MC’s books and tried to read her beautiful, looping script. Jaehee had briefly looked up and had to double take, not even realising she had screamed out; scaring the child who shoved the book back into the pile of books frantically trying her best to not earn more of the “coffee-lady’s” ire. Her panicked efforts resulted in all the books falling to the ground- the loud thuds only punctuating the already silenced café.

The mother apologised to Jaehee feverishly, she had been speaking to her friend and didn’t realise that her daughter had wandered off- didn’t know the girl had gone to the place she had once spent so much time with MC just months before.

- Jaehee pinched the sides of her nose and waved off the apology, bending down to apologise for frightening the little girl who had helped to bring joy to her girlfriend’s last months. Even though her nerves were frazzled, she knew that MC would be clucking her tongue disapprovingly at her, something that oddly enough made her smile. She had been doing that more often lately. Smiling at something MC had said or done instead of collapsing into a despairing heap.

- Jaehee ran her hands along the arm of the chair and whispered her hellos and her apologies for letting someone disturb her spot before picking up the books off the ground. She went to reach for the last book which dropped open to a random page, the paper slightly crinkled from the fall. She could feel the tell-tale pin pricks in her nose and the corners of her eyes as her fingers cradled the back of its spine, balancing precariously on the curve of her fingers.

- There on the top of the page was the recipe for her famous cinnamon rolls, something Jaehee had tried her best to replicate again and again when her lover was alive to no avail. No one made them better than MC. Jaehee sniffed as she found herself sitting into the long abandoned chair as she tearfully read the secrets MC had left for her on the page. The brunette paused to see a small note in the corner: “The reason mine were better was because I always made them for you. Now please, keep making them for me.”

- Jaehee wiped the last remnants of her tears from her face and then nodded to herself. Moving to the kitchens she washed her hands and wrapped MC’s apron around her waist. Taking in a deep breath, she pushed up her sleeves and got to work.

#mystic messenger #mysme fanfic #jaehee x mc #angst #mysme headcanon #mysmes

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pauleonotis · 4 years

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These last 2-3 days really reminded me of an old Drarry Au that I had so after searching for my old notes I revised them and thought I‘d share it.

(Trans!Harry, Trans!Draco; Warning: There’s mention of some transphobic behavior)

When Harry was sitting for the first time in the train on his way to Hogwarts Ron joined him

»Hi. I‘m Ron Weasley,« he said and Harry smiled »I‘m Harry Potter.«

Ron looked at him confused and hesistantly asked if he has heard his name right. Harry just nodded.

His new found friend asked him a couple of questions and they talked about what Ron had heard about him, or at least what he had heard about ’her’

Harry answered everything and then started to explain about him still being a boy even though he was born with female body parts

And for the first time ever he didn’t get a snarky remark like “it‘s just a phase“ or “but your biological gender is and will always be female“ (which btw was still not true, while he had a vagina his biological gender still is male. He was born with a male brain. So even as little child it already felt wrong being called a girl. Everyone out there might only see his female body but Harry simply knew better even without understanding it back then.)

»Is it true?« came a voice from outside their compartment. Draco was standing there. »They‘re saying all down the train that Hailey Potter‘s in this compartment. So it’s you, is it? I‘m Malfoy. Draco Malfoy.«

Harry looked at Draco but before he could say anything it was Ron who spoke up »It‘s Harry Potter.«

Draco sniggered and looked at Ron sneering »I don’t need to ask who you are. My father told me all the Weasleys have red hair, freckles, and more children than they can afford,« he told him and continued »it also seems like your family can’t afford medical bills. You might want to check your hearing.«

Draco now turned to Harry »You‘ll soon find out some wizarding families are better than others, Potter. You don’t want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there.« He held out his hand.

»I can tell the wrong sort for myself, thanks,« Harry replies coolly. »And just so you know, Ron was right. It is Harry Potter. I identify as male.«

For a moment Harry could swear he saw something apologetic in Draco’s glance. But then it turned sour. He stormed off flushing angrily.

It took quite some time until everyone referred to him as Harry Potter and until he was known as the boy who lived. But in Hogwarts no one seemed to mind, it was the complete opposite reaction of what he has experienced in the muggle world and he loved it. He finally felt accepted, his mind was at peace and he didn’t hear anyone talking about him badly or made him feel like he doesn’t belong. Here he was just an ordinary student at Hogwarts. Even Draco Malfoy didn’t say anything bad about him being transgender. Tho he did insult him or his friends and played some unfair and mean pranks, that’s how he became Harry‘s school nemesis.

After the war Harry came back to finish his education.

During the summer break he went to Poppy Pomfrey, who nursed him quite a lot over the years. She was the only medical witch he trusted so she was the one to do the sex reassignment (tho it wasn’t a sex reassignment per se, after all he was already a man.)

She also gave him potions for his voice to get deeper and to support his facial hair growth.

Surprisingly quite a lot students came back, even from Slytherin, including Draco.

So many that they still managed to form Quidditch teams of every house, which was the reason that McGonagall allowed the 8th year students to play matches too.

After the game Gryffindor vs. Slytherin they all went to change when Harry noticed Draco, sitting subtle on a bench and waiting for everyone to shower, dress up and leave.

It seemed like he didn’t notice Harry so when it got quiet he stood up and began undressing. Harry did the same while keeping an eye on Malfoy.

When he took off his shirt that’s when he noticed Draco was wearing something beneath it. And then he realized what exactly it was.

A chest binder.

»Are you done watching me, Potter? I‘d like to change without getting stared at. Preferably alone actually,« he snarled.

It took him a moment to progress everything. And that’s when Harry noticed the slight swaying in the sound of Dracos voice. He was using a spell for it.

»I never noticed,« admitted Harry »You could’ve went to Pomfrey, you know?« at that Draco huffed.

»Of course you didn’t. No one did, because it’s none of your business. If I would tell Pomfrey everyone would know sooner or later, I can’t risk that.«

»Why though? You saw how accepting everyone was- still is. Yeah you were a git but they wouldn’t say something about you being a trans man, because it wouldn’t change anything at all. For example you and your friends literally did hate me and still didn’t go for my most sensitive part.«

»I didn’t hate you, I was jealous,« Draco admitted, to both of their surprise

»If someone would find out they‘d tell my father. You don’t know how my parents are. Not every wizard and every witch is as accepting as you might think, Potter,« Draco spat

While everyone at Hogwarts already knew Draco was male (with Snapes help so that the teachers would call him by the right pronouns, he was the only one who knew and he took this secret to his grave), at home he didn’t dare to use any of his charms or to wear his clothes and his binder beneath.

At home he was forced to be Cassiopeia Malfoy. Being his parents‘ 'princess'. He hated it.

He envied Harry, who didn’t have his parents anymore so he doesn’t need to be afraid of not being accepted, kicked out or getting disowned.

Draco, even though his parents would only love him for being their little girl and not loving him the way he actually was, loved his parents dearly.

It breaks his heart while he has always been well-behaved and polite just the way his parents have raised him and while he‘d do everything for them out of love, they couldn’t accept him for who he truly was.

After all the only thing that would change was his name and his physical appearance somewhat.

It was then when Draco noticed his cheeks were wet. While thinking about his parents he must‘ve began to cry. And even worse, Harry was still there looking at him surprised. And he was about to say something.

»You would never understand,« Draco said dismissively while wiping always his tears and turned away. He now continued getting dressed.

»You‘re wrong. I do understand. Most likely better than anyone else ever would,« Harry replied and thought of his uncle Vernon and his aunt Petunia.

They already hated him for his magic. And while Harry actually didn’t mind wearing Dudleys old clothes, they always made fun of him. Being a girl and wearing too big and old boys clothes.

»It’s horrible. Being afraid of telling people who are close to you something that means so much to you,« Harry said and began walking towards Draco.

»People who are supposed to love and support you. No matter what because they’re family. It’s a relief to finally speak out loud about it. Being able to tell it the whole world. You shouldn’t have hide like that, Draco,« Harry continues.

»But for what price?! I could lose everything, Potter! The love and support of my parents, my home and safe place, all of my hopes and dreams—« Draco began but his breath hitched when Harry turned him around and held his shoulders.

»The love and support for a person that isn’t you? For what price? Well, Happiness. Yes there might be some people who can’t accept you the way you are but that’s just their limited thinking. What matters most is that you stay true to yourself. No matter what people say about you and no matter how much they try to talk you out of it or try to make you insecure by telling you they would know better. They don’t. It’s your life, your decisions, and your mind and body. Not theirs. They have nothing to say about your life and the way you want to live it. And if they can’t stay out of your business then let them waste their time by giving unnecessary remarks. Because you« Harry wiped away Dracos tears, apparently he has started to cry again but this time he didn’t care »are free to do whatever you want. It’s them who are not satisfied enough with their lives so they have to take it out on others somehow. Slap them in their face by showing them how beautiful it is to just express yourself the way you are. You’re independent and you certainly don’t need anyone’s approval for simply being yourself.«

—

(At the end of this post I‘d like to mention that I myself am not transgender. Everything I wrote especially regarding the thoughts and fears is what I remember a friend of mine told me or what I did read and/or researched online. I just added some little details that I thought of while I imagined what I would think or of what I would be afraid of and/or insecure about if I myself would be a female being born with male body parts or the other way around.

It‘s possible that I made some mistakes, so please believe me when I say that I do not want to offend anyone who was reading this nor do I want to share any false informations. Please tell me if you found something that I might have misunderstood and what I need to change to correct my mistake/s.

Apart from that I also want to add that it‘s 4am [update: now almost 6- why am I like this?;-;] and I had to write this down otherwise I couldn’t sleep so I probably made mistakes in spelling and/or grammar. But I hope there aren’t too much so that it’s not distracting.)

#harry potter #draco malfoy #harry potter au #trans rights #trans harry potter #trans draco malfoy #mentions of transphobic behaviour #drarry #is this a ficlet?#idk #anyway #have a great day or night!#my art

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letterboxd · 4 years

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Human Resources.

Kitty Green talks to our London correspondent Ella Kemp about “putting the audience in the shoes of the youngest woman in a toxic work environment” in her new film, The Assistant.

The long-undervalued job of a Hollywood assistant has come into stark relief thanks to recent events, and the stories that are being told of assistants’ experiences, working conditions and pay rates are jaw-dropping. (Episode 422 of the Scriptnotes podcast is well worth a listen.)

Filmmaker Kitty Green was well ahead of the conversation; her first narrative feature, The Assistant, quietly premiered at the Telluride Film Festival last August (and the Berlinale in February). Dubbed by many as ‘the first post-#MeToo movie’, it is a remarkable portrait of a young woman navigating just another day in the office. Except this is not just another office, and so many things are wrong about this day.

Starring Julia Garner (Grandma, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Electrick Children) as Jane, the assistant to the predatory head of a New York-based film studio, the story zooms in on the details of her routine—the tedious tasks, the belittlement from her colleagues, the oppression from her mostly faceless boss—with such laser-sharp vision that by the end we feel we know Jane deep in our bones.

Green has previously directed the documentary features Ukraine is Not a Brothel (2013) and Casting JonBenét (2017), the latter a meta-documentary that also hones in on the neglect and exploitation of young women, albeit under a different light (it is now streaming on Netflix). While Green’s documentary experience bears fruit in her attention to detail, the narrative form of The Assistant allows for a focus on mundane tasks and micro-reactions that documentary might not have access to.

Various Letterboxd reviews mention the anxiety-inducing way The Assistant allows us to watch Jane “probe her place in the established, tacit system of complacency… knowing that everyone around her is motivated by self-interest to pretend it doesn’t exist” (Josh Lewis). “Green encourages her viewers to pay close attention to what’s really going on beneath the surface,” (KristineJean) in “a horror movie of soul-sickening ambience” (Scott Tobias).

Though The Assistant’s film festival run was cut short, and the closure of cinemas around the world hurts for a lot of us, there’s something about the claustrophobia of social distancing and the intimacy of the small screen that maybe suits this picture. Nevertheless, seeing the film in a cinema in ‘the before time’ highlighted for Alyssa Heflin the ocean of different opinions that can come from misunderstood subtext: “Watching this in a room where you can hear people snickering at the girl and asking what the point of all this is adds a certain extra… incendiary level to an already deeply angry viewing experience.” Indeed, discomfort and crossed wires seem to define the messages at the core of The Assistant.

Kitty Green talks to Ella Kemp about the influence of Chantal Akerman, the infinite watchability of Julia Garner, and the oddness of growing up with a Nazi-free edit of The Sound of Music.

Jane (Julia Garner) takes another call from the boss in ‘The Assistant’.

The Assistant is your first fiction feature. The subject matter feels so immediate—what made you choose to not make a documentary of this, given your track record in that realm? Kitty Green: I went to fiction film school, and I made fiction short films. I then found work in documentary, so I made two feature-length docs. With this one, I was looking at exploring the micro-aggressions, the tiny moments, gestures, looks, glances, behaviors that often go overlooked when covering the #MeToo movement. We often talk about the bad men and the misconduct, but this is more about a cultural, structural problem. So I was hoping to amplify the more quietly insidious behavior that we need to address if we really want things to improve. A fiction film allowed me to hone in on details—close up—and the way you can take an annoyance through the emotional experience, putting the audience in the shoes of the youngest woman in a toxic work environment.

How did you decide to keep the timeframe to just one day in Jane’s life rather than fleshing it out over a longer period? The lead character is in such a complicated position. It’s such a difficult set of circumstances, the machinery that this predator has created around himself. I wanted to untick that, to discuss how difficult it is to be a young woman in that environment. So the day, the routine, was really important. What she was experiencing, how she was experiencing it; every task she did I gave equal weight to. Whether she was photocopying, binding something suspicious, you experience it as you would if you were in her shoes. That was important to me.

I had my fists clenched the whole time, when she’d be eating cereal, or washing up mugs, waiting for something awful to happen. Totally. It’s exploring misconduct, but it’s also looking at a whole spectrum, from gendered work environments, toxic work environments, through all these environments that support predatory behavior. I was interested in what the entry points are, without conflating those issues and being able to explore all the cultural systemic things we need to unpick to move forward.

The film is so focused on Jane, played by Julia Garner. How did you choose her? The script is pretty bare when it describes who she is, she’s just Jane. I didn’t have anyone in mind, really. I told my casting agent that we’re watching this character do the most mundane tasks, so it was important that she was striking. I said I needed someone infinitely watchable. I had seen Julia in The Americans and I remembered being struck by her, so I immediately wanted to meet her. She really understood the script, it worked out beautifully. We got to create the character together, we had a month of rehearsals where we really went through where she was emotionally at any given point, and Julia is wonderful so it was great.

Matthew Macfadyen and Kitty Green discuss a scene in ‘The Assistant’. / Photo: Ty Johnson

And Matthew Macfadyen—his character feels so crucial and his performance so pivotal, even in just one scene. What were you looking for when casting him? I’ve been a fan of his for forever, but I hadn’t seen Succession. Apparently the character has some similarities? I’ve only watched Succession in the past week… Somebody had to send me a clip to prove he could do an American accent! Matthew really brought something to that character and took it to another level. It’s so insidious what he does. He and Julia worked so beautifully together, it just got better and better every time.

How did you feel watching Succession now and seeing Matthew as Tom Wambsgans? Tom still feels different somehow. But I’ve had a good time watching it, he’s so great. There are parallels for sure!

The language you use in the film is so careful, so much is in the subtext. How do you build tension from these empty spaces? We had a great visual team who were lighting it in an interesting way. There was a lot of oppressive fluorescent lights. The sound was also very important—we had an amazing sound designer, Leslie Schatz, who does a lot of Todd Haynes’ stuff and Gus Van Sant’s. He’d done Elephant, which I thought was phenomenally sound designed. He sent out a team to record every kind of buzz, hum, whir, and we created a lot of tension in that soundscape. It heightens these moments when you can really feel the hum of the fluorescent lights or the alarm of the copier. Things like that are authentic to the world, so it doesn’t feel like you’re manipulating an audience, but they do add a dramatic tension.

During The Assistant’s various film festival screenings so far, audience reactions have been quite varied. Some people find it uncomfortable, some have found it funny. What would you hope an audience member would take from it? Who found it funny…? That’s a strange reaction, and a little terrifying. I think it makes some men uncomfortable and maybe their reaction is to laugh as a way to hide that discomfort. I get a lot of men come up to me afterwards and say, “There are things in that film that maybe I have done.” Those conversations are really important. There’s a scene where the men lean over Jane’s chair and correct her email, little things like that which can be quite patronising even if a lot of men think are helpful. But there’s a point where they cross a line, where maybe it isn’t helpful anymore and it’s a little insulting. I’ve had a few people who are bosses with their own assistants who have watched the film and have said they’re going to treat them a little better, and that maybe they’re wrestling with their own guilt. I think those conversations are great.

Julia Garner prepares for a take on the set of ‘The Assistant’. / Photo: Ty Johnson

What is your favorite one-woman-show performance, where one female actor entirely carries the film? A big influence on The Assistant was Chantal Akerman’s Jeanne Dielman, 23 Quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles. It’s just one woman going about her housework. I remember seeing that in film school and being bowled over by it, I’d never seen anything like it.

Do you have a favorite scene that has ever taken place in an office environment? Offices… I mean, I love The Office? I watched it in preparation for this, even though there’s seemingly nothing in common except for the ways of the photocopier…

It’s important to inhale that kind of comedy while working on something more intense, right? For sure, that helps.

What is your favorite on-screen argument? I watched a lot of them to prepare for the HR scene, as it’s a confrontation between two characters. There’s a scene in Steve McQueen’s Hunger, which is a seventeen-minute dialogue. It’s an incredible scene. It’s not an argument but still some sort of confrontation. I was interested in scenes like that which are really long and stand out from the rest of the movie. James Schamus, one of my producers, made a film called Indignation, which has a confrontation between two characters, which also influenced the structure of what I was doing. I also just watched the latest episode of Better Call Saul in which there’s a sixteen-minute confrontation, which I thought was pretty remarkable.

What was the first film that made you want to be a filmmaker? To be honest I’m not sure. I got a video camera when I was eleven, and I started playing with it in our backyard, making little movies. It wasn’t that I saw a film and tried to replicate it necessarily. But I do have a strange story…

I had a copy of The Sound of Music in which my father had edited out the Nazis, because he was worried I’d be scared of them as a kid. So I have this strange 40-minute version of the film that ends at the wedding scene… And I always thought that was The Sound of Music, and then in high school I figured out there’s this whole other storyline I never knew existed. I guess that taught me the power of editing! I had to go back and rewatch what I’d seen, and it definitely made me think of the craft more as a viewer.

‘The Assistant’ is available to watch on VOD platforms (including Hulu) as of late July.

#kitty green #the assistant #directed by women #female director #independent film #telluride film festival #virtual screening #virtual release #metoo #payuphollywood #hollywood assistant #timesup #juliagarner #matthewmacfadyen #patrickwilson #succession #bettercallsaul #chantel akerman #letterboxd

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amandabe11man · 4 years

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a VERY LONG post about Hell on Wheels

YEAH i forgot about this post in my drafts... it’s been like a year since i finished the show now and i feel i’ve barfed everything out into this post (that i can think of), so here it goes (you’ll have to shield your eyes after the spoiler warning if you don’t wanna be spoiled btw. i can’t seem to be able to add a read more-link...) :

SO... i finished watching “hell on wheels” at last, pm half a year since i started. it’s funny because i was under the impression that i’d sOMEHOW be able to binge all five seasons within just one month (reason: i wanted to watch it before my free trial on HBO’s website went out). honestly, that wouldn’t have been possible because it was a LOT more emotionally draining than you’d think at first glance... after being gutpunched three times in a row in season 4, any reasonable human would need a little break.

anyway, it feels-- weird. i’ve never been big on following tv-shows so i haven’t been able to relate to that feeling ppl describe once they’ve finished a show they’ve become so attached to, except NOW i can relate. the show’s not groundbreaking, it’s not perfect, but i’ve had a lot of fun. what a ride it’s been...

looking back, i’d say HOW’s biggest weakness is its tendency to forget or ignore certain plot points. i guess that’s not too weird, with such an arsenal of characters, but still, i find that’s what bugged me the most, if anything bugged me at all. for example--

[SPOILERS for those who might wanna watch it after seeing me go on abt it, idk]:

first off, what REALLY grinds my gears is how ezra dutson’s plotline was handled. it was set up perfectly in the beginning; having him escape from the swede (who promised him that, and i quote: “i’ll find you, ezra! i always do”), the original plan was obviously for ezra and the swede to “reunite” some time in the future so that ezra could tell everyone that the swede killed his parents, thus tying up loose ends and giving some closure to that whole arc. some might say this would’ve been too predictable, but i would rather have that predictable storyline than having it just end unceremoniously like it did, with ezra dying ACCIDENTALLY and off-screen by sidney snow’s hand, simply as a way to further bohannon’s pain and set the stage for ruth’s final arc. this might’ve been fine, if the writers had made it so that ezra actually, y’know, TOLD SOMEONE WHY HE’S AN ORPHAN TO BEGIN WITH. but they didn’t even give the viewer that form of closure, instead just deciding to use him as a plot device for the other characters’ increased angst... bohannon and the others were never even made aware of ezra’s last name, and this is all what bugs the everliving SHIT outta me: the only ones who know, or will EVER know, ezra’s full story is the swede and the viewer, tho after season 4′s end, ezra is never mentioned or acknowledged again-- not by bohannon, and not even by the swede. ezra went from convenient character with a PURPOSE to “nameless” orphan forgotten by history. thanks, writers...

then there’s the whole deal with campbell coming to town to reinforce The Law™, which wasn’t a bad arc, mind you-- campbell and his goons were the most infuriating little shits for a while there-- but the thing is; didn’t campbell LIE to his men about the president giving him the position as governor? i might’ve misunderstood it, but i’m PRETTY sure the president didn’t give him THAT much of an upstanding role, but that campbell just went ahead and took that position anyway? if that was indeed the case, then that’s another plot hole, cause nobody finds out about campbell’s possible trickery to become the governor. nobody rats him out, despite literally no one in “his” town liking him all that much, so they’d have no reason to protect his “secret”. (correct me if i’m wrong on this one though. i might be misremembering things)

then there’s the other pretty infuriating issue of bad guys never getting called out for doing bad shit (unless it’s the swede, who gets all the blame, all the time), for example:

major dick bongbendix(???idk he had a silly name like that) is presented VERY MUCH as a bad guy in the beginning. y’know, just casually beheading natives on all his missions and collecting those heads and taking them to the bar like a fucking nutcase-- those little details. he also seemed to believe in racial biology, so yeah, definitely not a good guy. but by the end, he’s been watered down into some quirky guy who’s ALMOST on friendly terms with the main characters. yeah, uh-- seems everyone (writers included) collectively forgot the whole public display of cut-off heads he had going on...

aaron hatch: started off as a guy too proud for his- or his family’s own good when he shot the police officer, BLAMED IT ON HIS FUCKING SON and then just kinda let bohannon hang the kid even though it was pretty obvious hatch was just shifting the blame away from himself. THEN he reappears with some other mormons and causes a full-on shootout in the town (probably getting some people killed, i don’t remember), TAKES EZRA (also a mormon) HOSTAGE SO THAT BOHANNON WILL COME WITH THEM WILLINGLY and passive aggressively forces bohannon to marry his daughter who bohannon knocked up. somewhere along the line, hatch’s bad side is just thrown to the wind, and bohannon at one point describes him as “a good man”. yeah, ABOUT THAT--

sean and mickey mcginnes: unlike the ones mentioned above, these two started out as seemingly decent dudes, but ended up pm as secondary villains in the end. however, like the ones mentioned above, they hardly face any consequences for whatever crap it was they did in boston, OR the fact that they killed and fucking mutilated/dismembered a man in cold blood (a man who WAS gonna kill them, yes, but HE did it because he thought they had killed his friend, which wasn’t a farfetched idea since mickey DID brag about killing the dude even though he didn’t actually do it). sure, they face their OWN demons as time goes on, they get ostracized, and they start losing faith in each other as well, which ends up with mickey killing sean before the latter can confess(?) his/their crimes. so, while sean was spineless and a creep, at least he thought about finally owning up to what he’d done in the end, whereas mickey lives on to keep doing shady shit, killing people, and getting increasingly more corrupt. he does end up pursuing new goals in the end, but it’s obvious he’s not happy about it anymore. that’s-- really all the comeuppance he ever gets, and the only one who knows about his shady businesses are pm just bohannon, durant and eva (also, personal gripe here-- they seemed to not settle for “just” tarring and feathering the swede and publicly humiliating him, but i’m pretty sure i recall mickey telling bohannon they were thinking about having the swede killed too. keep in mind, this was BEFORE the swede truly lost it and started killing people left and right. apparently, being kind of a douche about taxes is bad enough to warrant being tortured and cast out by the entire community... i’m obviously biased here, but still-- the mcginnes bros’ double standards are amazing to behold)

now that i’ve aired some of that out-- here are some highlights, according to me:

unexpected friendships, like that between eva and durant. i’d say the swede finding that stray dog and fawning all over him qualifies into this category too

durant and campbell fighting in the mud before finally coming to an agreement -- just- durant and his competitors being petty as fuck, honestly. it’s hilarious

bohannon trying to get through to elam by reminiscing about their friendship, especially since bohannon isn’t one to show his feelings often OR get sappy -- in fact, EVERY time bohannon loses his stoic facade is a good moment. when he was gonna bury elam and he just broke down completely for the first time since we were introduced to him... that shit had me in tears as well, but man was it a great scene

jimmy two-squaws

every time the swede opens his mouth (yes, even when he’s spouting some lies and bullshit like that)

ruth’s character development. i admit i didn’t like her at all in the beginning, idk something just felt off about her, but man did she ever grow on me. just-- how everyone kinda relied on her eventually, even though she’s only like in her 20′s or something... she still became a pillar of the community. bless ya, ruth :’ı -- also, her essentially adopting ezra was Pure as heck. I Lov it

the fact that this was the 1800′s and the only backlash the (openly) LGBT characters faced for it was pm just “yeah they’re a bit confused maybe but they’re not hurting anyone”. maybe that’s not very realistic but WHO GIVES A SHIT AMIRITE

mr tao just being a sweet old man

chang’s sunglasses, straight out of Django Unchained

mr toole’s complete heel-turn from racist POS to someone who sticks by his word to turn himself around. that shit was impressive coming from him, tbh

bohannon just calmly running into a buffalo by the train tracks

mei posing as a grown man instead of a boy (which is what she looks and sounds like, oml)

another thing i realized is that bohannon is a classic gary stu. there’s just no getting around that fact after seeing him being revered by most everyone he meets, how he’s somehow the only person able to build the railroad(s) fast and efficiently, and even wooing the literal PRESIDENT and becoming close friends with him-- all this despite his Bold and Brash personality. of course, there’s more to bohannon than these gary stu-symptoms, but i felt someone should bring it up, for the lulz

#hell on wheels #amc

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