#except its more like 'same communal trauma!'

[rnelodyy]

The Owl House And Restorative Justice

At the end of Season 1 of The Owl House, it is revealed that Lilith, the main overarching antagonist of that season, was the one to curse her sister Eda, one of the protagonists, to win a tournament when they were teenagers. This information causes Eda to fly into a screaming rage and attack Lilith, and understandably so.

Eda’s curse is essentially a chronic illness, one that, in Eda’s own words, has ruined her life, being the reason she’s considered a social outcast and why, before meeting King and Luz, she hadn’t gotten close to anyone in years. In season 2, it’s revealed that the curse is why she pushed away her partner Raine to the point that they broke it off with her, and that during a particularly bad flareup, she accidentally maimed her own father, leaving him half blind and with permanent nerve damage to his hands, making him unable to continue working as a Palisman carver. The curse has ruled Eda’s life for decades now, so to Eda, this is the ultimate betrayal.

In the first episode of Season 2, Lilith has defected from the Emperor’s Coven, split the curse between Eda and herself to mitigate the symptoms for her sister, and has moved in with Eda at the Owl House. While Lilith herself still feels guilty and feels she has to make it up to Eda, everyone else, Eda included, has seemingly either forgiven her or chosen to look past it. Eda even makes fun of her for feeling bad about cursing her, and Lilith’s guilt is seemingly absent for the rest of the series. 

The response to this was… Less than stellar, shall we say. A lot of people were angry, saying Lilith got away with her crimes without even a slap on the wrist, and that Eda’s forgiveness of her was far too sudden.

This isn’t the first time we’ve seen this kind of critique. Amity spent years bullying Willow after her parents forced her to break off their friendship, and when she began trying to mend that relationship, the response from fans was that Willow should have been a lot more angry at Amity, and that they went back to being besties far too soon. I’ve even seen this criticism leveled at Hunter for the things he did while working for Belos, at Vee for impersonating Luz for months to trick her mother, and at Luz for hiding the fact that she helped Philip find the Collector from her friends. And it does seem strange for the show to keep tripping on this same point again and again.

Except, it’s not really. Because I think that, when viewing this show from a different angle, those supposed flaws are actually symptoms of something very important to understand – The Owl House operates on a system of crime and punishment that is very different from our world’s.

More specifically, our world mostly utilizes retributive justice. The world of The Owl House utilizes restorative justice.

So first, what do those terms mean? Broadly, they’re two different forms of handling interpersonal disputes, or dealing with crime. 

Retributive justice is the one our current justice system uses, where the focus is primarily on punishing the perpetrator. Retributive justice can mean detention, suspension, expulsion, jail time, monetary fines, some kinds of community service, exile, or in more severe cases, corporal punishment or the death penalty. It’s the lens most people view the world through, where if someone hurts you, hurting them back is the correct response.

Restorative justice is a very different approach, where you instead focus on helping the victim recover from what happened, and rehabilitating the perpetrator to prevent this from happening again. Restorative justice can look like verbal or written apologies, monetary compensation for costs and trauma, therapy for both victim and perpetrator, education for the perpetrator, mediation between victim and perpetrator, a restraining order, etc. 

When viewed through a retributive lens, The Owl House lets its characters get away with a lot of shit. Lilith cursing Eda, Hunter rounding up Palismen knowing they’ll be killed, Amity tormenting Willow for years, it’s all stuff that, in a retributive environment, they should be punished for, and they’re just not. Eda is only genuinely angry at Lilith for two scenes, Amity and Willow fix their relationship very quickly once Amity starts making amends, and Hunter isn’t punished at all. 

However, I believe the story of The Owl House is best viewed not through a retributive lens, but through a restorative lens.

Let’s look at the Lilith-example again. Lilith’s offense was cursing Eda, which she did because she wanted to win a spot in the Emperor’s Coven. Knowing Eda was better than her, she cast a curse on her, thinking it would only last for a day. But when the time came, Eda forfeited the match, soon after which she transformed into the Owl Beast and was pelted with rocks until she ran. The curse turned out to be very permanent, and Lilith spent the next 20 years trying to fix her mistake by working for Belos to try to capture Eda, since he promised to heal her curse. 

However, when she finally succeeded, Belos went back on his promise. Instead of healing Eda, he ordered her to be publicly executed. When Lilith protested, Belos essentially told her to shut up, that it was the Titan’s will, and left her there. 

So, having realized her method of fixing her mistake has gone real bad, Lilith sneaks down to the Conformatorium to free Eda herself, but arrives too late and finds Luz instead. After a brief fight they end up teaming up, and Lilith leads Luz to the elevator, but they are captured by Belos and Lilith is thrown into the cage with Eda. There, she restores Eda’s partially petrified body, and after fleeing with her, Luz and King, uses a spell to split Eda’s curse evenly between their two bodies.

From a restorative justice point of view, Lilith has done pretty much everything she reasonably could do to fix things. She’s denounced the Emperor’s Coven, returned Owlbert to Luz, helped Luz find the elevator to the execution platform, saved Eda from petrification, apologized to Eda, and while there’s no way for her to cure Eda’s curse entirely, she took on half of the curse at great expense to her own health, in order to ease Eda’s symptoms. 

Eda isn’t angry anymore because in her eyes, Lilith has already fixed things with her. Punishing her more at this point is pointless. What more could Lilith do, really? What other lessons could she learn? The only thing that punishment would bring at this point would be more suffering. 

Let’s look at another example: Amity and Willow.

Amity’s offense was breaking off her friendship with Willow because she was a late-bloomer, bullying her for years, and allowing her friends to do so too. Willow is left with horrible self-esteem issues because of this, and combined with her failing grades, turned her into a horribly shy and withdrawn wallflower (no pun intended). After she’s moved to the plant track she starts actually getting better, but Amity and Boscha especially continue to torment her. While Amity’s bullying of Willow does peter out over time, Willow is clearly still extremely resentful of her. In an attempt to make Willow forget their friendship, Amity accidentally sets most of Willow’s memories on fire, leaving her confused, amnesiac, and unable to grasp basic concepts like that chairs are for sitting in.

Luz pushed Amity into fixing Willow’s brain by going into her mind together and piecing her memories back together. There, the Inner Willow revealed what happened to Luz and the audience.

At this point, Amity shows her that her parents were actually the ones who forced her to end the friendship because they didn’t think Willow was a suitably powerful or influential friend, threatening to make sure Willow would never get accepted into Hexside if Amity didn’t force her to leave. Amity then apologizes to Willow for going along with it, and for the bullying, and vows to make sure her friends never mess with Willow again. 

Willow accepts her apology, but also makes it clear that, while it’s a start, she’s not yet ready to accept Amity in her life again. Restorative justice has not been fully attained, because to Willow, Amity hasn’t fixed everything – Boscha and her squad are still bullying her, and still consider Amity one of them. This changes two episodes later, when Amity tells Boscha to grow the fuck up when she starts bullying Willow again, and joins her and Luz’s Grudgby team despite her personal issues to get Boscha to back off. Willow doesn’t make a grand gesture of forgiveness in this episode, but it is after this point where the two become comfortable around eachother again. 

Did Willow forgive Amity too quickly for years of trauma? Maybe. If she had chosen to continue keeping Amity at a distance I certainly wouldn’t have blamed her. But in the end, Amity fixed the mess she caused as best she could, and has proven herself to want to be a better person, to want to be Willow’s friend again. She worked hard to prove herself to be a person worth trusting, and Willow decided to give that trust a chance again.

And while they did become friends again, that friendship was clearly still affected by what happened, which led to bumps that the two of them had to work through. Like in Labyrinth Runners, where Amity’s overprotectiveness over Willow makes Willow feel like Amity thinks she’s incompetent, and still only sees her as the helpless person she used to be. 

Willow continuing to be mad at Amity and punishing her for what she did wouldn’t be an unreasonable reaction, but it wouldn’t have fixed anything. It would certainly have an impact on Amity, seeing her former best friend rejecting her attempts to make up for what she did, but the hurt on both sides would have continued festering, because deep down, Willow missed Amity too. 

In Hunter’s case, there’s the question of whether he can even be held responsible for his actions. The Palisman-kidnapping in specific was explicitly done under duress – if he failed he would face verbal and physical abuse, and be threatened with his nightmare scenario: getting thrown out of the Emperor’s Coven. 

And that’s not an empty threat either. Hunter has no magic, and Belos has drilled it into him that witches without magic have no future. Without the Emperor’s Coven, his only future prospects would be starving to death on the streets or wasting away in prison. Either way, Hunter would be alone, without family or friends, without a job or job prospects, without anyone to turn to for help. Any child would be terrified of that. Hunter wasn’t always acting on direct orders – in fact he defied direct orders to stay in his room in Eclipse Lake to go look for Titan’s Blood, and then again in Hollow Mind to arrest the rebels. But he made those choices based on the idea that Belos wouldn’t want him if he was a failure, and that he needed a chance to prove that he could still be useful.

And contrary to popular belief, Hunter does know right from wrong. He has a very strong moral compass, he’s just been forced to ignore it in favor of doing whatever the Emperor wants. To shut up that little voice telling him he’s doing the wrong thing, he uses what’s called a thought-terminating cliche, a statement that feels so fundamentally true that the argument need not continue. In Hunter’s case, that statement is “It’s for the greater good.” Sure, kidnapping his new friends and abducting Palismen to feed to the Emperor and threatening someone who’s been nothing but kind to him to take the portal key from her girlfriend and justifying terrorism makes his stomach feel like he swallowed a cactus and saying it out loud makes him sound like a horrible person – but it’s for the greater good. He’s doing it to serve Belos, and Belos knows what’s best. 

So by the time Hunter is out of active danger and able to rest and recover from what happened to him… what would further punishment accomplish? He already knows that he did fucked up shit while working for the EC, and he’s proven time and time again that while he’s not fighting for Belos’s approval, he’s actually a genuinely kind-hearted kid. Punishing him now would likely cause him to react very poorly, because he’s been at the wrong end of that stick so often that he’s developed severe PTSD because of it.

And if you think restorative justice is still in order – Hunter is currently hyperfixated on making sure Belos can never hurt anyone again, and for the long term, he has expressed that he wants to become a Palisman carver when he grows up. While it won’t bring back the Palismen that were killed, it will help the current Palisman population recover and reintroduce Palismen to witches who may have had to give up theirs. 

When viewed through this lens, the writing of The Owl House starts to make more sense. As a show, it is extremely forgiving towards its characters – they’re still held accountable for their actions, but as long as they’re willing to grow and learn and fix the damage they caused, they are very quickly forgiven. 

However, I do understand why these writing choices can be… controversial, so to say. Because it doesn’t feel very satisfying, does it? When someone hurts you on purpose, your first impulse would be to try to hurt them back, that’s just how people work. 

That’s the hardest thing to come to terms with when you become an advocate for prison abolition for example – you’re not just arguing for freeing a guy who got 5 years because a cop found weed in his pockets, you’re arguing for the release, and most importantly, the humanity of some of the most vile, disgusting people this planet has ever produced. Even now, when someone commits a truly awful crime and gets sent to prison for life, my first thought is “Good, I hope they rot in there.” But that’s not justice. That’s just revenge. And revenge is not something we as a society should want to build our justice system on.

It’s not satisfying to see Lilith go from using Luz as a human shield in her fight against Eda to sleeping on the couch in Eda’s house within 2 episodes. It’s not satisfying to see Willow let Amity back into her life when Amity has hurt her so badly before, or to see Hunter become romantically involved with Willow after he literally abducted her the first time they met. But that satisfaction isn’t really the point. Revenge is satisfying in the moment, but an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, and if someone shows a genuine willingness to change, it’s often better to give them a chance to.

However, my final point is about what happens when this approach fails. Because not everyone is willing to change. Some people, when faced with the consequences of their actions, decide to dig their heels in and refuse to admit fault, or blame the victim(s), or use those same thought-terminating cliches that Hunter used to justify their actions, “I was just following orders” being a big one.

And thus, we come to Belos.

If Belos showed a willingness to change, a genuine one, not an attempt at manipulation, should he be given the chance to? That vengeful part of me is VERY empathetically saying no. But logically, reasonably, he should be given that chance, if only because he’s a human being and no human being deserves to be mistreated. That doesn’t mean his victims are obligated to forgive him or be around him again, in fact I think that, for the sake of Hunter’s mental health, Belos should stay as far away from him as humanly possible. But he should be given the chance to start over, to truly better himself and do something good with the rest of his life.

But Belos isn’t willing to change. 

Belos is a product of a bad environment and grew up with a cult-like mentality and hatred for witches that he had to adopt for his own safety. It’s hard to break out of that mentality, but not impossible. Case in point: Caleb. The tragedy of Belos’s character to me is that he had so many chances to change, so many people to help him make that leap, but all of the people who offered him that help ended up dead by his hands because he couldn’t handle the idea that he may have been wrong.

At this point, Belos is stuck. Changing would mean not only giving up on his life’s work, but acknowledging to himself that everything he’s done, mutilating his body, killing his brother, slaughtering thousands and installing himself as God-Emperor of a population he despises more than anything in order to facilitate a genocide, was completely pointless.

He can’t admit that to himself. Especially the thing about Caleb’s death. He’s sunk-cost-fallacied himself so far into a corner that all he can really do when faced with opposing viewpoints is dig his heels in even deeper and lash out in a rage at anyone who challenges him. Even now, when his body is literally falling apart at the seams, he’s still trying to commit witch-genocide, because it’s all he has. 

Restorative justice doesn’t work in this case, because the perpetrator needs to be receptive to it. Logically you would assume the show would default to retributive justice, and characters like Willow and Camila do take a very vengeful glee in imagining themselves beating the snot out of Belos. But right now, the primary motivation of the Hexsquad and Hunter in particular when it comes to Belos is to end the threat he poses. As long as Belos is alive and free, he will continue to hurt and kill people, and if he can’t be talked down, he needs to be either contained or killed to prevent him from causing more harm.

The Owl House provides, in my opinion, a very nuanced take on restorative justice. It shows how it works in action, how different situations impact what it looks like, and what happens when it’s simply not an option. It’s not the most satisfying story to tell your audience, because when someone hurts our babies we want them to suffer, no matter how sorry they say they are. But in this case, I think that sacrificing that bit of audience comfort is worth it to tell the story like this.

#the owl house #the owl house meta #toh meta #toh lilith #toh amity #toh hunter #toh belos

[heteromerous-rhyming]

i think that i've figured out why i don't like show sally.

ok like don't get me wrong, virginia kull?? she ATE with that interpretation. her acting?? amazing. like i could truly get the core of her character.

it's just that i don't like the character the writers give us.

cw: discussion of abusive relationships, of toxic family dynamics, probably a good bit of generational trauma. I don't really get into details except with stuff shown on the show and written in the books but i wanted to be safe.

as someone from an immigrant household, as someone whose mom works a part time minimum wage job, as someone whose seen and been there as my parents fought, i just really really dislike sally's portrayal in the show. and it's partly because of poseidon and partly because of gabe (mostly because of her character in general but yeah, lets get the men out of the way first)

I feel strongly about poseidon in his relationship to sally very specifically. i don't mind his relationship to percy either books or show. but it's pretty damn clear to me that this show was written by someone who's never experienced sally's situation, of being the single working parent with an absentee partner (or in gabe's case a partner who literally ahHHHHHh). because from the beginning, from sally's reaction and snark to gabe, I felt like something was wrong or off, and it was Specifically the show because i read the books and i watched (some) of the musical and i never felt that way towards either of those. i'm not saying that my family situation is sally's (don't have a god for a father for one), but. by all accounts sally knows that this is an abusive relationship, the only reason that she's with gabe is because of the protection he offers percy. i have to assume that this is true because sally jackson turning gabe to stone is something i'm assuming is staying in the show, and i remember this being mentioned by grover? or someone in the first few episodes. and the cord that struck in me was not the traditional (that is, visible, defined, i don't like this word but i don't have a better one) abusive relationship but relationships in my community, of women staying with husbands because of their children, women outright saying this, women who know the world is cruel to single women and to single mothers specifically. sally, to me has never been under any illusions that gabe is any sort of relationship material. she has never been under any illusions that poseidon would be able to help in any way.

and that crux of sally's relationships made her first scene in the show all that more jarring. but it's not anything specifically that i can put a finger on. and maybe i'm wrong for this or maybe i'm expecting too much. but. sally doesn't have the resentment or the quietness or the bitterness or even the loudness that i expected. you have been the only true caretaker for your child, the only one in the house that really puts food on the table and on top of that is expected to do emotional labor? to cook and clean or at least pick up the food?

but she treats gabe like he's an annoyance. someone to brush off. and you see the manipulation tactics from gabe, you do, but.

its not that i want sally's spirit to be crushed. my mother's spirit wasn't crushed. the women in my community, they laugh, they cry, they watch silly tv shows, they have lives that they live, and in many cases they live well.

but the women that i know are also angry. they are either on fire or they used to burn. when they banter with their partners it often turns ugly because they are tired of the same damn argument day after day, because often the trivial things that are asked are compounded and compounded and compounded because you live in the same house, there is no escape, there is no private space, not really.

it's new york and sally works a job to support an apartment and her family. they are not well-off. sally has no support network we can see, and how could she? poseidon mentions that she has no one to talk to about these things, her parents are clearly out of the picture. all this to say. there is a certain understanding of class that exists within the books that was excised, i believe unknowingly, from the show, and it is the worse for it. there is a tiredness, a worn-down-ness from being low income that sally had in the books, but in the show i only see a struggling first time single parent. i don't see the complexity of a woman who literally gave up on finding a fulfilling relationship to be with a man for her child. i don't see the complexity of a woman working fulltime and still getting demanded from at home. and i didn't realize that I wanted to see that until I saw the show. i didn't realize that that was what i loved about the books.

i hate that they tried to bring poseidon back into sally's life as this perfect man who through cosmic forces can't help. i hate that sally calls him, i hate that he says he'll listen. but most of all i hate that sally just accepts him, falls into him. it's really hard to be a mother when your partner doesn't seem to help you parent in any way, even if he cannot help you. he's a greek god, there's no way in hell that he can begin to understand the lengths that sally has gone through to sacrifice and survive, the very human things that she's done. sally in the books thinks of poseidon as a sweet memory, almost a fairytale, and it's clear that this story is the one that brings her comfort. poseidon is a one night stand, a sweet stranger, she understands he's not coming back. but this poseidon comes when sally calls, and that i cannot believe. i cannot believe that she still thinks of him as the fairytale man, that she accepts him so easily if there isn't that distance. i cannot believe that there is no resentment, that she still puts faith in him as her god (the first episode when she talks about him just felt so wrong to me) if he's not a memory, but a recurring figure. this is not a story of star-crossed lovers, sally feels too real as a human being for that.

sally finds trust, finds contentment, in the books after percy leaves home, after she no longer has to put up with gabe for his safety. she does not find poseidon again. she marries a human man, a very ordinary human man who cares for her. poseidon visits after she is in this relationship and its an amicable one. he is percy's father but also distant memory all in one. sally has the strength to survive a terrible relationship and still find a way to heal and live fully after that.

but the anger. the fire was there. she turned gabe to stone. she reclaimed her life with her two hands.

you don't kill a man for no reason. you don't kill a man without emotion.

but it's that reason and that emotion that i don't get from the writer's room. and it just makes me deeply sad.

#probably got a bit too personal with this one boys #but i needed to get it out #because i realized i recognize sally's situation #percy jackson #pjo tv show #percy jackon and the olympians #pjo show crit #adding tags bc i feel like i should explain #sally and poseidon are characters that have consistent (relatively despite my gripes with poseidon's) characterization #i don't like them for personal reasons partly #and partly bc they got rid of most of the gabe shittiness #and class critique #ofc #lol #but these are just my opinions #this isnt a specific critique of the show's writing #it's more of a critique of what themes they chose to keep in and the nuance that they missed by not keeping those themes #riordan literally says they toned down the abuse (if not eliminating it entirely) and i get that to an extent #but i think there are ways to address abuse in children/teen's tv shows #anywhoooooo #.

[porcelainseashore]

Ghosts from the Past (2)

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Agent! Leon Kennedy x Dancer! Informant! Fem! Reader

Summary: 7 years after leaving behind everything you’ve known, you’re suddenly thrust into facing a ghost from your past, Leon. Navigating where you stand with him brings up old memories, painful truths and countless questions. At the same time, you have to deal with a bunch of strange occurrences at your dance company. Set after Resident Evil 4 Remake.

Warnings: 18+ Swearing, Recreational Drug Use, Alcohol, Eventual Smut, No (Y/N), Canon-Typical Horror and Violence, Blood, Injury, Torture, Infection, Medical Experiments, Psychological Trauma, Nightmares

Content: Post-Resident Evil 4, Exes to Lovers, Partners to Lovers, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Lack of Communication, Romance, Fluff

Author's Note: This chapter is a lot more dialogue-heavy to set up the scenes for the next ones. It was originally going to be angstier, but my heart wouldn’t let me. Oops. I hope you still like it though.

AO3 Link

Chapter 2: Baptism

Outside the embassy, Leon hailed for a cab to get to the bar. The journey there was in complete awkward silence, except for the occasional question raised by the cab driver, who quizzed you on why you were headed to such an unsavory place. Somehow he could tell that Leon didn’t quite belong and cautioned about certain areas being unsafe for tourists. Leon just snorted in response, while you laughed inwardly at the irony of his cover story, where he was meant to be your American tourist friend embarking on a Eurotrip.

To be honest, it really wasn’t as bad as people made it out to be. Berlin was a smaller city and felt safer than New York. However, you still carried around that Swiss Army knife Leon had won and given to you back in the day wherever you went, just in case. You ran the tip of your finger along its metallic surface in your pocket. The world could be cruel to little girls after all.

As you exited from the cab, you were greeted by a lively, eclectic neighborhood, sprinkled with night markets, kebab and shisha shops, independent art spaces and late night bars. The buildings were noticeably more rundown than Mitte, the district you had traveled from, and the community a lot edgier. With both of you now dressed casually, you had no problem blending into the midnight crowd.

You swung open the doors of an unmarked establishment and found yourselves shrouded in thick wafts of cigarette smoke upon entering. Leon frowned, coughing as he swatted the air in front of him. Even though you were used to smoking being allowed pretty much everywhere in Germany, your eyes still watered as you pressed up against and squeezed past the mass of bodies in the dimly-lit, dingy bar. The smell on your clothes and hair would take days to get rid of later. It was noisy and chaotic, with nearly every inch of the space occupied by chatty, drunk customers, some more boisterous than the others. You were lucky to find a small, rickety table with two precarious-looking stools at the extreme corner of the room.

Setting your coat and day bag down on one of the stools to claim it, you folded your arms, turned to Leon and remarked, “So… an agent, huh?”

He waved his hand dismissively. “Whiskey first. Then, we’ll talk.”

You rolled your eyes at his standoffish reply, wondering what his problem was. After all these years where he had led you to assume he was dead, and with the circumstances both of you had found each other in, this was the kind of attitude he took with you? A prickling feeling of agitation grew in your chest as you pushed past him, storming towards the bar in annoyance.

Upon approaching it, you breathed out a sigh of relief when you saw that you knew the bartender who was on shift tonight. He usually popped a little extra into your drinks whenever he sensed you had a shitty day. Tonight was no exception.

“Zwei doppelte Kurze Whiskey.” (Two double shots of whiskey.) You raised two fingers at him to spell out your order.

He grunted out an acknowledgement as he got to work, filling two empty glasses with the fiery amber liquor, one glass topped up significantly more than the other.

“Macht er dir Probleme?” (Is he giving you any trouble?) He asked, without looking up from pouring the shots. It seemed like he had noticed your little commotion with Leon from just before.

“Aktuell nicht,” (Not for now.) you answered guardedly.

At this point, Leon had caught up to you, watching as the bartender placed the glass with more whiskey on the counter top in front of you and the one with less before Leon. 

Leon huffed at the slight and shook his head. “I’ll take the bottle too.”

The bartender eyed him suspiciously as he plonked the whiskey bottle on the counter loudly, like there was an unspoken competition going on between them.

“Here,” Leon mentioned coolly, sliding a couple of euro bills along the counter to pay for all the drinks. “Keep the change.”

You sighed at the childish display before you, giving the bartender an apologetic look as you took your glass without a word, and settled in at the small table you had informally reserved earlier. The people around you were far more interested in drinking than any conversation you were about to have. Occasionally a fight started, but those responsible were easily cleared out by the staff. 

There should be no issues with privacy here, you thought, as you downed your first round of drinks simultaneously with Leon.

The sharp alcohol burned your throat, warming you from the inside. You noticed Leon wincing as he brought the glass to his cut lip, finishing its contents in one clean gulp and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

Did he get hurt in the field? You wondered, but chose not to question it, instead pouring yourself another shot as Leon did likewise.

Frustrated by the ongoing silence between the two of you and Leon’s seeming reluctance to speak, you decided to break the dead air, stating sarcastically, “Anything else you need before we get started? Room service? A hot bath, perhaps?”

He threw back another shot, twisting his lips into a wry smile. “Hm, don’t tempt me.”

“Leon, what happened? All these years… I thought you had died.” You were getting tired of this game and wanted an honest exchange for once.

“I did,” he replied softly.

“Huh?”

Averting his gaze quickly, he shifted in his seat uncomfortably. “It doesn’t matter.” 

But you wanted answers. You needed to know what had been haunting him too. “It does to me.”

You reached out to him cautiously, but just as your fingers ghosted the back of his hand, he moved it away, his voice turning cold as ice. “Look, I don’t know what you’re expecting, but it’s been a long time-”

His reaction took you by surprise as you interjected defensively, “Yeah, I can count.” 

A long time? If anyone should be able to comprehend that, you were more than qualified.

“I’m not the same guy you used to know back then,” he continued, as if he hadn’t heard you.

“And I’m not the same girl you knew either,” you countered, in a mixture of anger and confusion. He was talking to you like he was blaming you for something. It wasn’t fair and you weren’t going to put up with it anymore. “Stop avoiding the question, Leon.”

“Still as stubborn as hell though,” he muttered.

Your blood boiled at his non-answer. “Is this some kind of joke to you?” You seethed, raising your voice. “I mourned you. The past 7 years. I heard nothing. Your parents heard nothing.” You emphasized each point, taking another shot afterwards to calm your nerves. Your face scrunched up in response to the harsh bite of the liquor. “And now this?”

He paused for a moment, fiddling with the empty glass in his hands, before hesitantly responding, “I got out of Raccoon City. Then, the government asked me to work for them.”

You caught the drift of what he was implying when he stressed the word ‘asked’, like it wasn’t by choice. But you didn’t understand what hold they had on him.

“That’s all you need to know.” Placing his glass back down on the table, he took a swig from the bottle itself this time. The few sentences he gave you had taken a toll on him.

“Why? How did they-”

“The rest is classified,” he snapped through gritted teeth, as a form of warning not to push it any further.

You slumped back in your chair in defeat, realizing that you weren’t much closer to understanding him and what he had gone through.

“Why did you join Silje’s company?” Leon questioned out of the blue, his tone filled with resentment, so much so that you bit your lip in reflex as guilt seeped into your heart.

“After you… die-disappeared, I-I didn’t know what else to do.” You cast your eyes downwards, your voice choking up with emotion as the memories you had suppressed came flooding back, like a gaping wound in your side. 

“I had to leave. Everything just-” you paused, clenching your fists so hard that you could see the imprints of your fingernails against your palms. “-reminded me of you.”

At this, his stony gaze faltered slightly and a look of despondence slowly spread across his face. 

“You could have gone anywhere else, but you just had to choose her, didn’t you?” He uttered somewhat accusingly. “You really shouldn’t get involved in this.”

“A bit too late for that,” you argued. Did he think you couldn’t hold your own?

“You can still walk away,” he offered.

Shaking your head, you peered back at him defiantly. “I’m not leaving you.”

“That’s what you said last time,” he retorted bitterly, his brows etched together in a frown. “Look at how that turned out.”

Your mouth ran dry, and it felt as if you had been given a tight slap across your cheek. 

So this was what it was all about? He still faulted you for what happened in the past? The most troubling thing was that you had nothing to say to that. You truly held yourself accountable for whatever that had gone wrong.

“Is this why you want to get rid of me?” It came out as a bare whisper.

He shrugged impassively, unable to meet your eyes like he was hiding something. “It’s just better this way.”

Your mind was going round in circles as you were put on the spot. However, something inside you kept rebelling against what Leon had to say. You couldn’t abandon him again. Not like this, even though he claimed it was the better route to take. Didn’t he once tell you to trust him to make his own decisions? Then, he should offer you the same courtesy. You weren’t about to throw in the towel and give up now.

So instead of running away like he expected you to, you pushed back. “No.”

Leon narrowed his eyes. “What?”

“I said no,” you repeated again resolutely. “We have a job to do. I’m helping you to infiltrate this base whether you like it or not.”

His lips were drawn into a thin line as he brooded quietly in the corner, but he continued to hear you out.

“Once that’s done, we can go back to our own separate lives if you want,” you stated. “Just like how it was.” 

A fair compromise. Although deep down you hoped it wouldn’t mark the end of your interactions with Leon. Well, you’ll cross that bridge when you come to it.

After a while of considering your suggestion, he agreed warily, “Ok.”

His gaze was impenetrable while both of you drank in silence. At some point, you decided to call it a night, since you had an early start with him tomorrow to go over your next plan of action. It was drizzling when you came out of the bar, the water droplets falling on your face like a baptism of a new chapter. You had made your bed, now you had to lie in it.

As Leon called for another cab to take him back to where he was staying, you left without a word, walking on your own to the nearest U-Bahn station. He watched you until you were just a tiny speck in his vision, lost amongst the sea of people and glowing street lights.

━━━━━━━━━━━

You and Leon were standing in front of the dining table of his service apartment, a mess of papers sprawled across every surface. He rested his curled fingers under his chin, eyeing the diagrams and notes scribbled on the sheets like a hawk, analyzing them for any obvious patterns.

He picked up a report that you had drafted recently. “So Silje told you all of this?”

You yawned and sipped at the instant coffee Leon had offered you when you had arrived. It was a couple of hours earlier than when you were normally up, as you’d have to head over to the theater to train after this meeting. You had pushed away whatever thoughts you had resulting from the conversation with Leon last night to the back of your mind, in favor of professionalism. Afterall, it wasn’t your first rodeo pretending things were fine, and neither was it Leon’s.

“Some of it, yes. Though in her own way of speaking in riddles,” you explained. “The rest I had overheard or tailed her without her knowing.”

“Are you sure you weren’t spotted?” It sounded like a mixture of concern and him questioning your abilities, the latter of which irritated you a little.

“If I was, would I still be standing here?” You stated brusquely.

“Fair enough.”

You pointed at the blueprint map again, tracing the outlines of your markings with your fingers as you explained, “From what I gathered, the site has two main sections beyond the theater space. The upper levels are easily accessible, but shaped like a labyrinth. I haven’t explored everything yet, but if my gut feeling is right, I would say that the entrance leading further down might be all the way over here.” You tapped at the red circle with a question mark drawn on the map.

“The lower levels are only accessible via keycard. Obviously Silje has one, but there must be others too,” you reasoned. 

“That said, I’ve seen her bringing in the same man more than once. Business type, probably in his 60s, speaking German with a Swiss accent.” Then, you proceeded to describe his outward appearance in further detail.

“Silje always passed him off as being part of the company board. I doubt it though,” you shrugged.

Leon hummed in response, and the corners of his mouth turned slightly upward, as if he was trying to hold back a smile. It was the first sign of approval he showed you since you had reconnected.

As he thumbed through the rest of the papers, he cocked his head to the side, tapping his fingers on the table absentmindedly. “One thing I don’t get from this is why she’s confided in you.”

You nipped your lip, swallowing anxiously, as you were afraid of disclosing what you might have committed yourself to. 

“She wanted to offer me a gift,” you whispered.

“A gift?” He tensed up noticeably at the word. “Did you accept?”

“Um… yes?” You replied uneasily, but tried to persuade him that nothing else had happened yet. “She only told me it would come soon.”

The drumming of his fingers on the table stopped abruptly, as he gripped the edge of it, clenching his jaw as he spoke, “Why the fuck would you do something like that?”

“I-I thought it would help,” you stuttered, caught off-guard by the sudden shift in his mood.

“What exactly has Bergmann told you about this case?” He hissed.

“That Silje was suspected of harboring some bioterrorists.”

You flinched as he cursed a second time loudly, before muttering a quick, “Excuse me for a minute.” With that, he darted out of the room into the hallway to make a call.

So here you were, left alone without answers again. The secrecy surrounding the entire mission and Leon’s erratic behavior was starting to grate on you, but there wasn’t much you could do about it.

Past the hallway, out of sight and earshot, Leon had connected with Hunnigan on comms.

“Leon,” she greeted. “Any news?”

“Our old friend, the Plaga,” he stated. “Seems like our suspicions might be right.”

“You have the source to back that up?” She asked out of habit, even though she already knew the answer.

“I went through the documents. I’m not 100%, but it’s close.”

He detailed an abnormality that stood out during the investigations. “A few days ago, some people on site experienced temporary psychotic episodes where their veins turned black, but reverted back to normal after.”

“That’s aligning with whatever intel we’ve already picked up. It could be a new strain of the Plaga,” he concluded.

Hunnigan nodded. “We’ll require a sample for the labs when you’re in the base. Anything you need me to do?”

“Run some files on any surviving Los Iluminados members. Focus on trade routes with Germany,” he requested. “The informant mentioned Silje entertaining a particular ‘business partner’ on a regular basis.”

“On it.” She typed away furiously at a computer keyboard off-screen.

“Another thing,” Leon commented. “Why wasn’t the informant told about the real nature of this situation?” 

“That was under Bergmann’s discretion.” 

He scoffed derisively. “She’s putting her in danger. The informant has no idea what she’s risking here. Silje just offered her the ‘gift’ and you and I know what that means.”

“Leon, you know the rules,” Hunnigan sighed sympathetically. “We don’t really have much say in this jurisdiction.”

“What do you mean? She reports to HQ!”

“Yeah, and they’ve given her free reign,” she explained, without batting an eyelid.

“In-fucking-credible.” He rolled his eyes.

“You need to press on. The informant has the best chance of getting you in,” she reasoned, giving pause and contemplating her next choice of words before speaking. “I would suggest not getting too attached to her.”

“I’m not,” Leon deadpanned, despite the look on Hunnigan’s face, like she didn’t believe him. 

“At the rate this is going, she may not be around long enough to do her job,” he clarified.

“You know we have a cure for that,” she rebutted. “The girl will be fine.”

He pursed his lips, changing the subject. “Hm, just send me the updates later.”

With that, he shut off his comms device and headed back into the living room, only to be accosted by your snide remark, “Let me guess, another convo that’s classified?”

His mouth twisted into a smirk. “Not quite.”

“Whatever Bergmann has been feeding you is bullshit,” he began. “We’ve been suspecting that the theater is being used as a front for developing a new batch of bioweapons they’re about to ship into the US.”

Your eyes widened at the newfound information. The whole time you had assumed that Silje was just providing a safehouse, not a full-on experimentation chamber. But with the recent events that had occurred, you should have considered it earlier.

“So the labs must be underground.” He thumped the pad of his index finger on the sketchings of the lower levels of the site on the map. “And they’re not just hiding people down there.”

Casting over a solemn glance, he revealed, “I’m telling you this, because you need to be careful.”

“And stop making deals you shouldn’t be making,” he warned.

You let the words sink in. “I see,” you nodded slowly. “Thanks, I… appreciate that.”

“The minute you feel something is off, or your veins start to darken, you contact me straight away and get the hell outta there. Understood?”

“Ok, I will,” you promised.

On the one hand, you were grateful that Leon had the courtesy to inform you about what you were getting into, but on the other, you were scared of what was to come. You had heard about the Terragrigia Panic and the B.O.W.s that devastated the floating city a year ago. The gruesome scenes were splashed across the news for weeks. Would the same happen here?

As if he could read your mind, Leon placed a hand on your shoulder to reassure you. “I won’t let them get you.”

“I trust you.” You said it as if it was clear as day.

His eyes bore into yours and his hand made its way towards your cheek, but stopped short in midair, a hair’s breadth away from touching your skin. Then, it fell to the side as he turned away, like he was ashamed of what had just transpired.

You cleared your throat in awkwardness, trying to recall the next point on the meeting agenda. Ah yes, Till.

Till was a fence you got to know from the parties you frequented. He was a friend of a friend of a… you got the idea. At first, you bought your drugs from his minions in the clubs, but then became a regular client of his the moment you started your informant career.

“As requested, I’ve arranged a meeting with Till.” You grabbed your day bag from the seat you had left it on. “He operates out of a nightclub that has a pretty strict door policy. So you’ll have to look the part.”

Leon raised an eyebrow. “Which would be?”

You sighed, unsure of how this would go down. “Um, your usual black get-up will do,” you mentioned tentatively. Unzipping your bag, which unveiled a sneak peek of its contents, you peered back at him. Here goes nothing. “So are you a more of a latex or leather kind of guy?”

What you would have given to permanently capture the look of shock on Leon’s face.

“Are you fucking serious?” He blurted out.

Perhaps you should make the decision for him then. Giving him a once over, you identified a common theme with his casual leather jacket and fingerless gloves. 

“I’m guessing leather,” you discerned, rummaging through your bag for a studded harness and tossing it over to him.

He caught the chunky material in his hands, looking at it with apprehension whilst shaking his head.

Fishing out a translucent, black crop top, you displayed it in front of Leon as you walked over to him. “Maybe over this and a pair of leather boxers.”

He grimaced. “No.”

Well, he sure wasn’t making your job easy. “I’ll be doing most of the ass-kissing at the door,” you argued. “You just have to wear this and keep your mouth shut.”

Please go along with it, you prayed. There was only so much magic you could pull to get him in at the club door.

Examining the outfit you had picked out for him gingerly, he muttered, “Jesus Christ, you’ve gotta be kidding me.”

At least he wasn’t protesting any further.

“I’ll meet you there at 4 in the morning on Sunday,” you reminded him. “You’d better have something substantial to trade with.”

“That’s the least of my concerns right now,” he grumbled, to which you snickered in amusement before departing for the theater.

#leon kennedy x reader #leon kennedy x you #leon kennedy #leon kennedy angst #leon kennedy smut #leon kennedy fluff #re4 leon #re4 remake #resident evil 4 #resident evil #porcelainscribbles

[othernaut]

"Why Are They Like That?" Scavengers Reign edition:

Chris, Barry, and Terrence show distinct reactions to having all lived through trauma. I recognize my own reactions so keenly through every one of them.

Barry distracts himself. The world is surface-level and wonderful because it's all so incredibly temporary. I read him as being in a practically permanent level of dissociation; I wouldn't be surprised if he's older than he reads. He refuses to think about loss because one little prick in the balloon sends all the rage and pain screeching out. I also read him as autistic, but his childishness seems to me more as an urge to live in a world where the loss isn't, same way you'd hide from a violent home by putting on headphones and playing a video game.

Chris rationalizes the loss, tries to pick it apart, find an explanation. She holds a deep, abiding belief in rituals, mantras, and philosophy, as keeping loss at an intellectual level means the pain is far less acute. Her confidence is an incredibly thick shell, but it's still a shell, and it's grown to the level where she's able to maintain unity in her group but probably won't be able to stand up to a challenge of leadership. That's when she falls apart - when she's proven wrong not by circumstances, but by an argument she can't refute. And she needs that proof to grow - otherwise, well, she gives off very strong cult leader vibes.

Terrence is people- and community-focused. His drive is to acknowledge pain and make sure no one feels the same things he did. This leads to personal recklessness as, well, we've seen. He wants to find a way for everybody to be happy and he will give all of himself that there is in order to make that happen. His weak sense of self won't stand up to a bad call or challenge the status quo, but it will slip in through back doors and cracked windows and offer comfort wherever he can, regardless of deservedness.

It's questionable how much of the Healer Woman was still in there. Likely the same muteness/deafness happened to her husband and his death, given her eventual state, was unnecessary. She likely had the same drives and opinions she did before infection, as the parasite doesn't seem to want to interfere too much in who its hosts are, just what they do to serve it.

Which is why Sam's mania and renewed vigor read as weird. We haven't seen very much of his past, but there's something curiously military in how he interacts with others - specifically, I think his focus on his friends and comrades as well as his decision to work his very dangerous Space Captain job comes from not being able to adjust to civilian life. He's thought about dying; he expects it. What's intolerable to him is the long, slow, banal details of getting groceries and making small talk. It's everyone else's normal life that he finds offputting and unreal.

Which is why it's so precarious, how much Ursula needs him. We know even less of her past than we do of Sam's; she seems more a part of the planet than she is her own life. She, and the Healer Woman (y'now, before) were the only ones who interacted with Vesta like scientists, and I read Ursula's gratitude as much as a need to connect as what it is on the surface. She's also the only cast member I get straight-up depression vibes from. It's an ironic thing, that she'd be best suited to survive Vesta on her own but, also, least likely to be able to stand the solitude.

Azi is the toughest member of the cast, no question, but we see her exceptional adaptation to solitude even on the Demeter. She cares for people - very deeply, in fact - and seems to need to be loved, but is comfortable keeping that love at a far remove, as a fact to be considered in solitude rather than something that needs to be constantly reinforced. This speaks to me as a curiously sci-fi thing - the notion that knowing people are out there, knowing they love you, but being unable to touch them, unable to confirm it. Which is why she was so comfortable seeing Levi as an object; if Levi was a person, then that came with all the complications a person usually does. And why it was so comforting to see her do the right thing once she realized Levi's sentience.

Levi...

I still hold out hope for mold-Levi.

Finally, Kamen. He's a dick, absolutely - but I read his dickishness as stemming more out of pretty much constant panic rather than anything else. You can read it in his movements, in how he speaks, in how even in his few moments of happiness he seems ready to back away and redirect at even the slightest hint of doing the wrong thing. He is in constant, complete terror of losing everything, so much so that his fumbling, destructive actions bring about the loss he's so desperate to avoid. His non-action over the last... Four episodes? Complete shutdown.

I know he doesn't "deserve" it, but I'm honestly hoping for a redemption for Kamen. These kinds of panic disorders rarely get any kind of media play, and when they do, they're either fixed by a pat on the shoulder and a "there there, don't be cry", or just continue on, unsolvable. I want to see what the other side of this looks like. I don't think he should die for his sins - I want him to live with them, to spend many long days in the same room with them. I want him to try to make things right and, when he can't because it's not like pushing a "fix things" button, to keep at it for the rest of his life. This, to me, is punishment.

#scavengers reign #why are they like that

[keruimi]

His Only Exception

Obanai x reader

Warning: Angst and comfort. Platonic Relationship. I have so many ideas for Obanai but it's tiring to make sure its plot is not repeating. But I hope you enjoy this one!

Would you choose the Moon that was in your darkest time, or the Sun that brightened the whole world you lived in?

_____________________________

Ever since I was born, I was taught how cruel the world can be. Born from a family of broken people, I was raised to close my emotions.

To be the master of it before it became my reason of failure.

I remained detach to the people around me, maintain the acquaintance nature with them.

Until I met him at the age of 13.

Someone who was scared of me the first time we met.

"Please calm down. I won't harm you" I tried to soften my voice down to calm the boy brought by the Flame Hashira, Rengoku Shinjuro.

Kanae-san assigned him to me since we were at the same age and she is still helping out the injured ones from a mission.

She saw me as the only suitable person to tend him.

I set down the kit I was holding as I gave him a side glance who was looking at me warily.

I walked towards the window with a sigh and opened it to let the fresh breeze of the day in.

In hopes that he won't suffocate with my presence.

This was the first time I felt clueless about a situation. I really don't know how to act next.

My first hesitation...

If I approach him now or try to make him lower his guard on me, it could start a fragile relationship between the two of us.

The actions I thought wouldn't help our situation at all.

If Kanae-san was the one doing it, with her good personality, he would trust her.

But I don't know how to show kindness to a person who was violated by his own family.

He has his own traumas, his own fear. And if I directly confront those, it would break the communication between us that haven't even started.

I looked around the room as I looked for something that could relax him.

"Where is Rengoku-san?" I heard him mutter under his breath that made me turn my head to look at him.

Thank goodness he started the conversation first.

"Rengoku-san is preparing for another mission" I answered his question before I took a book from one of the shelves.

It might help him escape from the reality he experienced.

"If you don't mind me asking, do you love reading?" I ask him without my usual monotone voice so I can quickly heal him.

I need to finish this...

He slowly shook his head that made me nod before offering him the book I took.

"Well this might be one of the times you will need it" I offered it to him as I saw how his gaze fell on it.

"I don't know how to"

It felt like my world stopped when I heard those words from him.

The time I finally found a crack on his walls...

I didn't realize how my eyes shone from his words before a smile lifted from my lips.

"Let me teach you then. So you know a way you can escape the world we live in."

Reading a book that was never connected to the real world can heal and change his perspective about the society we lived in.

It was supposed to be a way to get him comfortable with me in just one moment.

I never knew I would cherish it on my entire life.

That day was the first time I gave effort on communicating with someone. The first time I forgot my fears that I might experience the more I continue my actions.

The first time I really stayed for someone else's comfort.

Ever since that time, there was no day I didn't visit him in his room as he slowly healed from my guidance.

Mostly everyone knew how important he was for me.

The first person I opened my heart with.

"Iguro, open your arms like this" I showed it my arms that were wide open like it was welcoming a hug.

He sighed knowing where this would lead to and he didn't hesitate opening his arms to embrace my form.

"Thank you" I whispered as I basked in the warmth of his embrace.

He never fails to silently comfort me on my lowest. When everything became overwhelming when I started to change for him.

From a nonchalant person to a caring one.

Most of the people in the Demon Slayer Corps were shocked by the change that happened when he entered my life.

Even me...

He is not aware of the effect he had on me.

But maybe because of my happiness that I became a light to someone's life. I became someone valuable to their life because I chose to be kind.

When I didn't push anyone nor question what hurt them.

It made me love myself. It made me yearn for the happiness I should experience because I deserved it.

I thought I deserved it.

Until he became a hashira, that became the beginning of our bond that was slowly breaking.

The time he became strict with my practice, the more he wanted me to push myself to my limits so I can become stronger.

For the reasons I never knew.

The times when I saw his tired gaze on mine. When I sometime sense him almost giving up on me.

It continues to ruin me.

I never really wished to become a fighter, but I chose to, so I can be beside him.

So I can keep reminding him that I was still beside him.

But the more our strength became different, the more I felt him slowly slipping from my grip.

I don't want to lose him...

Because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it.

I train everyday so I can reach his expectations. Yet there is one thing I am afraid the most...

And that is when the time will come he would see me differently than before if I failed his expectations he set for me.

My father's words of not letting anyone change me was ignored knowing that if I don't experience this challenges...

If I keep running away from it, I would never gain anything.

That's what I keep telling myself so I can continue everyday.

Until she entered his life that I noticed I was not that someone significant to his life compared to him in my life.

Mitsuri Kanroji, the first person that introduced me to the emotion called 'jealousy'.

Almost 7 years of my growing affection for the serpent Hashira, without any effort, she managed to catch his eyes because of her extraordinary strength.

The thing he wants me to have.

It made me so wary of her that I didn't notice the toxic personality I had would be shown to her.

Yet her kindness made me doubt myself more. Knowing him, he would never like my treatment for her.

So I just ignored her.

But the more my insecurities show up, the more I notice his presence disappearing from my life.

That I always saw him with her.

The time I already knew that I was the one who lost him.

The first man who made me cry for so many nights. The first man who made me love myself...

And the first person who made me hate it.

If I let myself experience the hardships of life, there can be a chance I can become someone strong like he is.

If I just didn't cower, if I just got out of my comfort zone, I could become a better version of the person than who I am now.

No matter how much I tried to look for him, to approach him. The thought that I would ruin his moment with her halt me from my actions.

That the bond I was trying to save by myself, was finally drowning.

From being his friend, to becoming someone who gazed at him from far away.

I started to notice his treatment on her compared to others.

She was the only exception from his strict and merciless personality. Because even I, experienced it.

The more I saw the difference between me and her, the more my mental health deteriorated.

The main reason I started to become more distant to him, until my mere presence completely became like a wind.

The reason I started to question my real worth to the people around me. To the people I tried to not connect with because I already have him.

So this is what my life was before he entered it. It was really lonely...

I felt a tear fall from my eyes as I stood on top of the hill as I gazed at the headquarters I lived my whole life with.

Having this moment, it made me question if I regret letting him enter my heart. Because if I didn't, I would never cry for something I already expected.

My Father told me how difficult to overcome the first heartbreak.

It was indeed difficult.

It felt like my air was cut off as my chest tighten from overthinking.

But am I really overthinking?

I can hear my harbored breaths as I try to stop the feeling of agony from consuming me.

The torment I made myself experience, the suffering I knew I would feel the moment I soften up to someone else.

This is the thing I feared the most.

That my mind will become my own enemy.

I really shouldn't have...

I regret-

"Y/n?" I felt my body went numb the moment I heard him behind me.

After a year of being distant to him, my destiny let me confront the person I have been avoiding.

Is this one way of improving?

Is this the moment I need to overcome this obstacle so I can learn?

I didn't know it would be difficult.

I can't even find the strength to face him. After I finally manage to set my mind in one thing, I let the cold breeze of the night dried my tears before I manage to face him.

His gaze greatly reminded me of my old self.

The one who always held a blank stare. Something that would be difficult for the other person to interpret the emotions hidden beneath those eyes.

What is it?

That's one thing I want to let out of those very moment but I didn't manage.

I want to stay away from him so it would hurt less.

But my movement completely did the opposite that I found myself walking toward his direction as I just let my head rest on his shoulder.

Our surrounding were silent as he can't find the words to express what is currently happening right now.

Even I don't know why I did it. But I just needed something, a comfort so I can find the strength to walk away.

But thinking about 'comfort', I felt myself stain his haori as my tears I am trying to hide finally fell.

Yet I didn't let out a sound.

I just let the tears express the emotion I am feeling right now.

It hurts...

It really does...

I felt his hand slowly raise to gently caress my hair that made me snuggle deeper in his shoulder. My actions made him put his hand on my head to keep me still.

"What's wrong?" He ask in a whisper that made me want to just broke down sobbing.

Why am I crying? Do I have the rights to even cry for my one-sided love at him?

"Y/n" he called for my name again when he notice my body was staring to tremble as I try to prevent my cries from being heard.

"I don't know why I love you" I cried out as I pulled away and covered my face with my palm.

"I want to remove those feelings for you because it hurts" I continue as I tried my best to breath.

"I don't want to keep loving you"

"Y/n"

I remove my hands from my face as I let the tears freely fall on my cheeks as I put my eyes on our surrounding, except for him.

Because I can't face him.

"She is perfect for you. You both look so perfect that made me almost forget I used to be there. I was the one who used to be beside you" I stated between quick inhales like I was barely able to breath.

"I just wish for our memories to disappear like bubble so it wouldn't hurt-" I put my hands on my head in frustration as I uttered those words but I felt his hands on top of mine when he heard me let out those words.

"Y/n please"

"Why do you need to abandon me!" I cried out as I can't keep to myself the feeling I felt for almost a year.

Those days made me feel so lonely and useless. It showed me how much I reached in life.

"I..." I trailed off as I felt him pull my body towards him as he surrounded his haori on my trembling body.

"I felt so lonely" I sobbed out as I felt his arms around me tighten as he just let me cry on his shoulders.

"I never wished to be somebody else until you chose her" I keep letting out the thoughts that keep repeating in my head on those periods of time. The thoughts that ruined the love I have for myself.

"I'm trying my best, I really am" I whispered as he tightened his arms around me.

"You have no idea..."

He shushed me down when we both started to notice how my words are getting more breathless the more I talk.

"Deep breaths"

I clutch my eyes shut as I felt it sting a little. I finally snuggled myself more on his embrace as I tried to control my emotions.

"Is this friendship, still surviving?" I ask him as I look at his own eyes that made him lean his forehead on mine.

"Of course. More than you thought"

~•°•~

"Did you really leave me?" I asked him the question that needed an answer while I stared at his back as he looked at the scenery from my window.

"No"

"But ever since she arrived, I can't remember any day that you were with me"

My body felt more relaxed now but the slight feeling of numbness on my chest is still present as I found him making his way over to my bed.

"I'm sorry" he sat beside me as he pulled my head to rest on his shoulder.

"I was not aware of how wrong I treated you" he mumbled as my eyes softened from his words.

"I wanted you to learn to protect yourself. I didn't mean to make you measure your worth just because of my expectations."

I felt Kaburamaru slither around my neck as his owner ran his fingers on my hair to soothe my emotions down.

"I was not confident that I could protect you. I'm sorry that I pressured you into something that is not your forte."

I removed my head from his shoulder as I lay down on my bed when the fatigue, physically and mentally, finally entered my system.

"But why didn't you spend time with me anymore?" I asked him as I put my hand above his own ones as I heard him sigh.

"Hashira has tight schedules. We always need to train and go to missions. When I saw you cry while I was training you, I decided to not continue and let you do the usual things you did before"

He started as I saw him look over to me. I felt him squeeze my hand that made me look up to him with my drowsy eyes.

"I didn't manage to make time for you"

I heard how his voice broke from that sentence as he give a quick grip on my hand before letting it loose.

"Mitsuri is a hashira so I need to be with her. But of course, that can't be my reason, right?" He looks over to me as I lift a small smile, urging him to continue.

"But she was the only one willing to be in my presence and I let her. I started to miss you but I can't find you anywhere. And if I did, you are urgently helping shinobu at the mansion"

"Maybe that's why I treated her less harshly than the others" he sighed out.

"But it doesn't mean I love her like how I love you" I felt my chest warmed from his words that I almost forgot what I went through.

But I need more reasons. And without being told on, he keeps going. He is not defending himself, he was simply expressing because he knows I would understand him.

"It was my fault that I made you feel that way. It dawned on me that I really don't know you" he whispered as I saw how his eyes softened.

"I never had someone cherish me more than themself"

A tear fell from his eyes as he wiped it before gazing at me.

"Give me another chance to treat you right. I promise, I'll be better"

I sat up on the bed as I rested my chin on his shoulder. "Did you romantically like her?"

"No" he answered without any hesitation that made me wrap my arms around his waist.

"Even if I did, she would just remind me of you. After all, you were the one I was scared to lose"

"I'm sorry" he mumbled that made me lift a small smile on my lips.

"Make time for me please. Being a Hashira made you lose time for me" I uttered as he wrapped his arm around my waist before pulling me closer to him.

"I will give you my time" he assured me that made me smile and land a quick peck on his cheeks before I laid down again.

"Stay with me tonight. I want to cherish this moment with you" I told him that made him let out a small smile, based from his eyes before I pull him to my bed and he wasted no time to wrap his arms around me.

I am finally back at his arms again...

#kimetsu no yaiba #love #demon slayer #hashira x reader #kny #kny hashira #kny fanfic #comfort #demon slayer obanai #obanai iguro x reader #kny obanai #demon slayer iguro #kny iguro #obanai iguro #iguro x reader #iguro #iguro obanai #iguro obanai x reader #x female reader #Spotify

[infoglitch]

My very bad takes on rwby ships (the well known ones atleast. And yes most are jaune)

(i do not represent anyone except myself so do not judge others based on me because if you do. That's YOUR problem. Not the peoples you think I represent)

Hoi! I think its time I get crucified. Kidding obviously. This community isn't completely toxic, that much is obvious. Now let's get the obvious ones out the way

Bmblb.

Ok... time for the one I don't wanna touch because I don't have nice things to say.

Ok first. I don't mind this ship. Wanna get that out of the way because unlike most would assume. I don't hate or love this ship.

BUT. I got problems with how it was made fucking cannon. First off, fuck you rt and your "from the beeginning". I don't fuckin care how much you try to cover your incompetent asses. If the pants don't fuckin fit. Don't fuckin wear them!

Second. There was no real build up (you can argue there was. But it wasn't good. Anyone could have done a better job than rt). The only real thing that could "prove" this was planned was that yang "flirted" with Blake. Now you might be saying-

"oh but she explained her trauma to Blake that clearly means shes interested in her" in which. NO. Yes this moment is VERY good basis to build off these twos dynamic. And if rt kept building onto this by having yang slowly break down Blake's wall before eventually getting her to open up, I would be applauding rt for it, hell I would be a fan of it probably because for these two, it fuckin works! Blake clearly is alot more reserved and is rather prickly meanwhile yang is the rambunctious, ass-whooping, badass, and overall awesome ball of joy (sounds weird saying especially since yang is my favorite character). yet rt dropped the fuckin ball the moment sun showed up. Now I love sun and i enjoy black sun. But for the love of GOD if this shit is from the beginning than this clearly proves it was fucking not!

After volume three who did blake spend most of the time with in menagerie and rt was clearly trying to push? Not bmblb! BLACK-FUCKING-SUN. Let's give a round of applause to RT for making the dumbest decision of saying bmblb was planned from the start because bitch it was not.

And what did we get for yang. Oh only her trauma from one losing an arm and the fact she has PTSD from it. Oh yeah let's not forget the fact yang had ABANDONMENT ISSUES. Yet the moment her and Blake meet back up suddenly it doesn't fuckin matter because Weiss managed to somehow fix it by telling yang that Blake had suffered as well (i know that's not exactly what happened but point is I fuckin HATE the scene where Blake rejoins the team and yang is just "OK! I totally still don't have problems with the fact you left me and the team at both my and our teams lowest moment." Personally fuck you rt)

.....where was I again? Oh yeah rwby ships. So before I fuckin lose it at rt's incompetence at story telling, developing a romance and character building- let's move on to..... whiterose.... SON OF A BIT-

Whiterose

Look does the fact I don't care for BB and the fact I hate white rose with such a burning passion make me look like a misogynistic homophobic asshole a bad thing? Yes. But I just can't enjoy this damn ship because I just find it so FUCKING BORING!

I get it, it's "opposites attract". But I just don't care because this is so boring and basic that I can't even be glad a gay ship is actually popular instead of the same boring straight pairings.

I don't care if ruby could help Weiss be less of a bitch. Because that troop has been done to fucking DEATH.

There's not even the fact that it be a middle finger to Weisses dad because guess what he's already got his comupance and is also you know, FUCKIN DEAD. There's no satisfaction from any of this ship for me. Is it a bad ship? Fuck no we aren't even going to cover THAT!

But do I like this ship and hope it'll be cannon? No. And if it is? I won't care and I'm not even gonna celebrate it. You can take a fat piss on my grave before I say whiterose becoming cannon is the only option.

Now what ship is next- oh. Oh no. It's the ship everyone enjoys.

Arkos

Look I'm already gonna get fuckin crucified for my opinion of WR and BB. I don't feel like pissing off even MORE people!

... ok fine I'm saying my opinion.

I don't care for this ship. I don't care for pyrrha and I'm actively glad she is dead.

I won't even elaborate because this ship is dead and will gladly piss on its grave.

Rest in piss arkos. Overrated as fuck!

Next up is... rose garden. Finally a ship I dont mind supporting... but also... one thats gonna be hard to say

Rose garden

Look... their just fuckin cinnamon rolls and I love it!

"but you hated arkos yet both jaune and pyrrha were cinna-"

Uhp! No! None of your bullshit. But I will explain.

I don't care for arkos because I don't care for the fact pyrrha has no development. Not even a personality. She was always "the one girl that has feelings for jaune" which don't get me wrong, jaunes one of my favorite characters but I prefer the character he would be shipped with are actually characters and not... cardboard.

Now thankfully Oscar does not suffer the same fate. He's not infatuated with ruby, he is just a "kid" who just found a wizard stuck in his head and now he's off into a war he never knew about. He was timid (batshit terrified even) and yet when he sees the courage shown by the cast he slowly tries to be like them. with the moment between ruby and Oscar being a moment I fuckin love. Oscar is being honest and asking ruby why, why does she keep fighting? Keep marching into a unknown war that could very well kill her. And ruby simply answers by admitting she Is aware she might die, she even lost good people during the fall of beacon but she kept going because she wanted to be a huntress, she wanted to HELP people.

One of the many reasons I love rose garden is because these two fuckin dorks grow WITH each other instead of the simple "oh I'm the love interest of the main character I'm gonna be a cardboard cutout of the character I should be!".

I can't put it into proper words but I just love rose garden.

Whiteknight

Wait... are we actually talking about white knight and not another ship that I probably don't care about and get crucified because of them?

FUCK YEAH!

Gentlemen and ladies. I am proud to say I am whiteknight trash because damnit I love this ship.

I will say it now this ship is the shit that gives my Tumblr account LIFE. And like rose garden I can't even find words to describe how this ship makes me my brain go up with dopamine. This ship is just my favorite ship. Weiss and jaune have had so much buildup. Starting with jaune being a idiot and trying to flirt with a very much more cold Weiss (HA) To Weiss laughing at jaunes reaction to his voice after the high of depression that was V9! The little smile jaune had as he heard Weiss giggle. To the mother fuckin mature scene that has skyrocketed to memehood! I just love this ship because it is just everything I want out of a romance subplot!

Knightshade

Oh... oh we already at some.... unpopular ships.

Now this isn't exactly ship related as pyrrha was to arkos but I just don't like Blake, so you might be thinking "oh then you must hate knightshade". Well..

You.

Are.

WRONG!

I don't know why I like it I just like knightshade. It's cute, it's got enough crack to make it a crack ship, and the memes! The. Fuckin. MEMES.

God I love knightshade.

Knightfall

So... how do I say this?

I love this ship. Not joking I love this. I'd be peeved if this became cannon but as syndrome once said

"OH COME ON! YOU GOTTA ADMIT THIS IS COOL!" (Man was a salty man and died like a BITCH)

As to why?

The

Fuckin

ANGST!

I could write an entire fanfic of jaune and cinder fighting each other for days on end until jaune fucking loses but instead of killing him cinder just lets him live. To continue to fight as she gets some sick enjoyment from the attention.

That's all. (Also cinder please choke me with your thighs-)

[GLITCH HAS BEEN TEMPORARILY BANNED.]

Alright I'll behave. No thirsting, now onto.... Lancaster.... you know I can't tell if I want to be killed or be celebrated as a fuckin gift because this list is bizarre as fu-

Lancaster

.... where do I begin?

Ok I should probably state this now. I love this fuckin ship despite how... cliche it really is. I want these two dorks to be fuckin happy but I just can't say whole hearted this is my otp. It's just not for me, I'm sorry. But as you all know I have written.. some.. Lancaster fanfics (I am absolute jaune shipper trash, you can Bury me before I say any jaune ship is terrible except THAT! Even arkos ain't bad just overrated!)

But... yes I like this ship that why I'm writing fanfics in the first place I like alot of jaune ships (despite how much I hate THAT!) Because we'll most female characters that I pair with jaune have atleast some form of interaction. (Except silent knight. I just like that one because I like the "small murderous and tall gentle" dynamic. But we aren't covering silent knight.)

Now thats all I could say for Lancaster but there's one more sister that I wanna talk about but first.

For runner up on this list. Drum roll please.

🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

Thank you-

.....

Huh I guess that drummer wasn't as dumb-

🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

Ok fuck you, your fired!

Now for runner up on this list (mainly because I like it but I don't have much to say-)

Martial arcs

(ha bet y'all rat bastards weren't expecting me to list a gay ship that I liked.)

Now all I have to say is.

🎶let them be fucking gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!~

OH YEAH!🎶

Now onto... my favorite one thats not white knight. The one, the only, the truest form of "what the fuck is glitch snorting"-

Dragon slayer

This is the one ship that has continued to be a ship I love dearly.

To me yang and jaune feel like they would be each other's wing(wo)man and would just be an ride to watch.

There wasn't even any evidence in why this ship could happen. But I still love it. Y'all can call it "just a write inserting themselves as jaune" but let me say this.

Dragon slayer is the Pinnacle of the most wholesome moments! Not even Lancaster can compare to the intimacy of this ship and yes! I AM TALKING OUT OF MY ASS BECAUSE I LOVE THIS STUPID SHIP AND AINT NO ONE TELLING ME I SHOULD BE ASHAMED!

....

Ok I think that's enough talking about Rwby ships for one Day because I've caused three things.

1) probably pissed off arkos, BB, and WR shipers.

2) weirded out quite literally everyone with my batshit insanity.

3) probably started a debate on what I mean when I say "THAT!"

Anyway have a great day/night/or what other time it is bitches, bros, and non-binary rat bastards

I'm off to get crucified because OH BOY did I probably poke the bear.

#rwby ships #rwby lancaster #rwby white knight #rwby arkos #rwby dragonslayer #rwby knightshade #rwby whiteknight #rwby whiterose #rwby bumbleby #rwby bmblb #rwby rosegarden #my opinions are terrible. #rwby knightfall #rwby #martial arcs

[dejablonde]

So I had to write a personal narrative for composition class. I wrote about post-ritual depression leading to a career change, and I thought ghumblr might enjoy. It's only 763 words (after padding it out with some extra academic phrasing) but I don't want to clog your feeds too much so it's below the cut.

"Have you ever like something so much that it rewired your brain?"

            Have you ever liked something so much that it rewired your brain? I can’t pinpoint exactly when I first heard the band called “Ghost,” but it was most likely sometime in 2022. I think the first video (from whichever of the dozen algorithms we get our content from today) pushed to my feed was their performance on Jimmy Kimmel, where they played their song Call Me Little Sunshine. I was taken aback by their theatrical look and sound. I listened to a few more songs, became a casual listener, and even bought their latest album when I came across it at Josey Records. What I can pinpoint, however, is the day I turned feral: April 9, 2023, Easter Sunday.

            Being only a casual listener still, I was curious as to what was going on when I saw that Ghost was trending on Tumblr. As I scrolled through the tag, it became more and more clear that, not only had they had dropped new music, but a new music video to match, almost entirely without warning: a cover of Phil Collins’ Jesus He Knows Me. Of course, I had to listen. From the driving intro into the first verse, to the poppy chorus, to the lyrics addressing hypocrisy from the church and its leaders, it was almost like twenty-eight years of religious trauma were healed in four minutes and five seconds, as if it were that easy. I wasn’t cured, but they certainly made a dent. I listened to it on repeat and branched into the rest of their discography.  After two weeks, I finally caved and bought myself a pit ticket to their upcoming Dallas tour date.

            When the day finally came, five months later, I could barely contain myself. I felt if I could leap hard enough, I would jump right out of my skin. I had taken advantage of the fact that I had the previous day off from work and pretended that I was taking a small trip for Labor Day. This allowed me the day off for the concert. My employers already think I’m strange enough; I didn’t see any need to make it worse by asking for time off to line up for a concert by a Satanic rock band hours early on a Tuesday. Despite the 103-degree weather that day, I made it to the general admission line around noon. I chatted with my new line buddies over the next several hours about the band, how we got into them, and a little bit about our lives in general over the water that the venue security provided. For the first time in a while, I was surrounded by people like me.

            They say that concerts can be a religious experience. I’m not sure I agree, but they’re not exactly wrong. It really is overwhelming, or at least can be. Many aspects are similar, if not the same. Between the community and camaraderie with your fellow “congregants” and the feeling of the music all the way down to your bones, there’s certainly something that happens internally. This concert (or ritual, as Ghost fans lovingly call them) was no exception. After all, when you’re a stone’s throw away from your obsession, bathed in light and confetti, you can’t help but feel a little changed.

            Post-concert depression is a very real and powerful force. It’s even stronger when you come back to work after finally feeling happy and rested only to be met with snideness not even fifteen minutes into the day. I was already dealing with years of declining morale. I wanted to be happy again, like I was the night before. I started looking at job postings immediately. I nearly got one in the same field but interviewed poorly. Eventually, I decided to make up for lost time and try to make a move into what my high-school-aged-self wanted. Or at least something close. Unfortunately, even though apprenticeship-type situations are common in the music industry, it’s very hard to break in without any kind of provable experience. I looked into some recording technology schools but didn’t really feel the need to go into debt on a loan for them. I was about to lose hope, but then I had a lightbulb moment and found that Dallas College has a program for Recording Technology. My application and registration were late in the game, but I was able to squeeze in before the start of this semester. Now, I’m finally doing something I want to do, and it’s all thanks to a funky little Swede in black and white makeup.

#the band ghost #papa emeritus iv #papa emeritus iii #papa emeritus ii #papa emeritus i #nameless ghouls #nameless ghoulettes #tobias forge #toblerone fudge #tender father #post-concert depression #DejaBlonde #my writing

[jerreeeeeee]

there's nothing inherently wrong or unhealthy with a platonic relationship being the most intimate and important in someone's life (whether that person is also in a romantic relationship or not). this has been said before but people still treat it like its true. ESPECIALLY that a prioritized platonic relationship belies “codependency” even though no one would bat an eye at the exact same dynamic if it were romantic, because of the idea that a prioritized platonic relationship is somehow immature/unhealthy and something to grow out of/move on from.

the idea that the twins just go, well, you've been the person i felt safest loving and trusting in my entire life, our souls have been bound by fate and magic and our love for one another is one of the strongest bonds in the multiverse, transcending death and unimaginable loss, the motivation behind everything we’ve ever done, but since we're both in romantic relationships now and the story is over, the reasonable and in-character thing to do would be to split up and have separate nuclear families because that's the "healthy thing" (read: expected thing). there's no other form of a domestic happy ending than a marriage and typical nuclear family. you're everything to me, my entire world, my heart, see you later.

ok this got too long i'm putting it under a readmore.

(also why i don't really like the idea that taako adopts angus. "parent" is not the only important, loving role an adult can play in a child's life but people feel that need to shove everything into a nuclear family. also taako has too much going on to be the good parent that angus needs anyway. and magnus and lucretia are right there. but this is another post <- this is actually a fan fiction i’m writing, kind of)

i just find that frankly silly. i truly believe that the twins live together for the rest of their lives and are always each others' most important person (before anyone kills me i do think barry is there too. they also both love him so much. capacity for love INCREASES there’s no need for a replacement or a “moving on” it’s an addition). there's not any reason they wouldn't live together other than that it’s not “normal?” but why would they give a shit about that. their prioritization of one another isn't the unhealthy thing about their relationship. they do have other stuff going on that's actually codependent, but i think they eventually work past it and come to have a healthier (yet no less close) relationship. actually this post was originally just supposed to be about those codependent tendencies but i felt like i needed to compensate by clarifying that there are only a very specific few things abt their dynamic i find unhealthy and that by and large they’re fine, actually.

the main thing is, as is so succinctly put in this post—they aren't able to communicate about big, important decisions. not to say they never communicate about anything, i think they actually do communicate effectively about a lot of things—warning i’m going into a complete tangent here—i see a lot an idea that they’re not siblings who hug or really verbalize affection at all which is crazy to me (<- personal opinion alert) like they’re closed off and distrusting (taako more than lup, but she’s certainly not exempt from their trauma) to other people and the world at large but they have always always been each other’s exception, each other’s utmost safe place, the one person they could be absolutely comfortable around, who they never have to be afraid of. that’s one of the things i find so compelling about them, that they trust each other with their entire selves. they have no reason to ever feel defensive around each other. oh to be known so entirely and intimately and never feel ashamed or afraid of judgement or abandonment. augh. so i do think they hug.

also—i don't think they "don't know how to be a person without each other" like that's certainly not true for lup and i don't really think it's true for taako either. they have their own distinct personalities and identities they just also both inform each others’ lives. they're an integral part of each other's identity the way your family or best friend or partner or most important person in your life is but again i think that's fine.

but back to the topic at hand anyway they DO hide their misgivings from each other when it comes to huge shit with world-changing, life-threatening consequences lol. when it comes to, like, turning herself into a lich, or leaving to recover her dangerous magical artifact, lup feels like she needs to be entirely decisive and confident for taako, and when it comes to his sister turning herself into a lich, or proposing a dangerous magical artifact plan, taako feels like he needs to be unflinchingly supportive and loyal for lup. and those both backfire obviously. because they trust each other so completely that they don't trust each other enough to not trust each other. weird paradox.

but really its not a lack of trust in each other its their own insecurities projected onto each other. lup second guesses herself but feels like she can’t express that uncertainty so she’s alone with her doubts which increases the pressure and stress and creates a feedback loop that only makes her more insecure. and taako feels like he doesn’t have anything to bring to the table other than backing up lup and is afraid doubting her would hurt her which means he never has an opportunity to find out he does actually have good ideas and that lup would listen to him constructively. but it manifests in lup “not trusting taako” to have her back even if she doubts herself and taako “not trusting lup” to take criticism even if his idea is good.

and honestly i think the solution to this just comes with… not being in those lifethreatening situations anymore. the universe was saved and they have normal (magical fantasy world) lives. so now when they’re hiding things from each other the stakes are a lot lower. and when the stakes are lower they’re able to express uncertainty because they don’t feel that extreme and terrifying pressure anymore. lup doesn’t have to make impossible decisions and stick to them despite any doubt because she doesn’t have the survival of entire worlds on her back anymore. taako doesn’t have to always agree with lup and uncritically support her every choice because he’s not the only thing holding her together from oblivion anymore. so they're able to express doubts and nothing falls apart and they're actually stronger for it. and they’re already doing so much work on fixing their relationship just from being separated and kinda grieving for a decade too, so they eventually work past that.

and also because they have to face those insecurities and their consequences. lup got trapped in umbrella limbo for a decade and taako had his life destroyed. if lup had been able to overcome her need to put everything on her shoulders and expressed uncertainty, if taako had been able to overcome his blind loyalty and expressed doubt, would they have gone through with the relics? would they have even gone through with the lich plan? they realize only afterward that they should’ve talked about it, and so they learn from their mistakes.

another tangent—isn’t it so crazy how, by any standard, lup should be the strongwilled, passionate, heroic protagonist and taako her cynical, pragmatic, yet loyal sidekick? and yet he’s the protagonist and she the supporting character in the actual narrative? so subversive and intriguing. i cant believe this was all masterfully and purposefully written. anyway. (<- in the in-universe metanarrative version of the story, lup [and honestly, probably davenport] is the tragic ghost who haunts the narrative and lucretia & barry are the morally gray protagonist foils, and tres horny boys are supporting characters/comic relief who go on to have their own semi-important b-plot arcs that ultimately serve to further the protagonists’ arcs. btw.)

back to the twins. i also think they don't only grow post-canon, i think they grow a LOT during the century, because in the beginning, they're coming from a life where they have been not only the most important people in each other's lives, but the ONLY people in each other's lives. and now they're suddenly faced with more people, which they handle fine individually, more or less—lup is faster to warm up to the others, but even though taako's attitude is very much that he only cares about him and his, he is capable of expanding the people who are "his" (eventually). but they've never had to bring other people into their dynamic with each other before.

i don't think either of them are possessive, their relationship is built on deepest mutual respect and love and trust and "possessiveness" is kinda antithetical to that, but they can both be jealous on occasion. although there is a difference—lup is the only one who will outwardly display jealousy (and maybe a better word than jealousy would be insecurity), again because of the dynamic earlier: taako must always support whatever decisions lup makes without question. so when taako dies one cycle and all of a sudden merle and magnus and everyone else grieve him too, lup feels a sense of ownership over grief (not over taako himself, but over loving taako, just because no one else ever really has before, and she’s never had to think about the possibility that he might love other people too) that she initially may not challenge but does eventually let go of, because it's actually a good thing that other people love him now, and bringing new people into their family doesn’t make their love for each other any less. and taako has a similar experience but tbh i think its a little easier for him bc, like, who wouldn’t love lup, and lup loves other people way more freely than taako does (still not super freely, its a low bar). not that lup thinks taako is unloveable OBVIOUSLY (taako does think he’s unloveable tho) i just think they have different attitudes abt it, like they both have the moments of “but you don’t love them as much as i do!!” which is true, no one loves them as much as they do, but taako’s more willing to let that shit go bc he just doesn’t care as much what the others do as long as they don’t fuckin bother him about it. like lup sees the others equate (as she sees it, but oc they’re not actually grieving At Her) their (comparatively shallow) grief to her world-shattering loss of her best friend, only family, soulmate, silly rabbit, and she gets angry about it, but taako’s reaction is more like, “ok they’re stupid. who cares.” meanwhile and more importantly, all of a sudden lup is falling in love with barry, but taako's not one to throw a fit or demand that he's the only one who can love lup nor the only one lup can love. she’s made her decision. he just gives barry advice and lets it quietly hurt and draws distant, because he has a deep seated fear of abandonment that is now, for the first time, clashing with his unshakable trust in lup. and their relationship irrevocably changes but maybe not for the worse, because taako has, for the first time, doubted lup, a disruption to their typical (codependent) dynamic. but, of course, in the end his fears are unfounded and lup pulls him back in, because their capacity for love increases—of course lup still loves him just as much and yknow what, so does barry, and so does the rest of the crew. so he doubts and fears and is proven wrong. and so they grow and change, and their world increases from two to seven.

but that doubt doesn’t really go away for a long time, exacerbated and strained the more lup keeps secrets (especially with barry) until it reaches a head when lup finally doubts taako and does truly abandon him. but again, of course, never on purpose and never forever, they find their way back to each other despite everything and, again, come away stronger for it. the idea that the twins’ relationship is never as close again after story and song is so fucking tragic and heartrending but really i just think its unrealistic. because the rift between them is what caused their pain in the first place, of course they wouldn’t just shrug and move on. they would do anything for each other, including a lot of difficult emotional work and healing. for a little while they do have to deal with the reality that they’re not as close as they were. but they can be again. it just takes time and effort.

but anyway just to drive my point home—we mostly see taako's side of it since he is the protagonist in the real world narrative, but lup is always, always positioned within that narrative as his most important person. (and even then, lup says as much for taako! she loves barry of course but she loves taako so much he’s her heart!!) when thb see their lives after the hunger in paloma's prophecy, taako sees himself cooking with lup. she's textually representative of healing and joy in his future, and she's the main character present in his epilogue too. she's his greatest loss and his greatest love, positioned in exactly the same place as julia and merle's kids. there are a myriad of love stories going on in balance and a myriad of love stories involving taako that are all beautiful and significant in their own right but i really do think the main one in his life is lup!!

well all that to say they’re my favorite little critters ever and i’m studying them under a microscope forever. how do you end posts

#whateverrrrr i’m just going to post this even though its rambling #anyway. promise im still writing my fan fictions. i just have been having too many thoughts been unable to condense them #writing this shit into an actual fic is much more satisfying and rewarding but its also sooo hard #bc i have to employ ‘subtlety’ and ‘nuance’ and ‘thoughtful writing’ instead of train of consciousness word vomit. sad! #i’ll never not be insane about them btw #taz taako #taz lup #taz #taz balance #taaco twins #lup #taako #mine #the twins #analysis #also um i know i mentioned barry and not kravitz. and thats because. well. i’m not sure what to do with him. #i think its chapter 12 of solace? thats literally just about him its already written its like 6k words and it resolves absolutely nothing #i’ll figure out how i think he fits in someday maybe

[the---hermit]

Hell Followed With Us by Andrew Joseph White

I noramally avoid YA novels because I know I tend to not like them. This will now be my exception. This is a dystopic horror YA novel, and it was so good. The story is set in a disastrous vision of the near future, where a christian terrorist cult took power after unleashing a virus that either kills its victims or warps their bodies. The main character is a trans boy called Benji who tries to escape this cult as his body is slowly corrupted and transformed into a monster after being injected with a particular version of the virus. I won't say much more because I went into this book knowing very little and loved slowly finding out more about the world and the characters. I will say that the main themes of the novel are a queer kid dealing with heavy religious trauma, finally finding people who understand him and also accepting and embracing queer rage. Never before reading this novel I realized how much I needed to read about queer rage, and now I want more. The dystopic world is very well crafted and it's as believable as it is scary. I do love a well created dystopic society and this book delivered. The writing flows amazingly and it gets very addictive very quickly, on the day I started reading the book I sat down to read the first page to see how it was and ended up reading three chapters without even realizing. The horror aspect of the book is mainly body horror, I am not sure if I ever read proper body horror before but I really liked how it was done here, and I would be up to read more. It's a book I will try to recommend to everyone because it was truly really good and I am so happy to have this on my shelves now. I can see myself rereading this multiple times in the future, and I am surely going to check out more of the author's writing

a few spoilery thoughts cause why not

Since I want to avoid giving out as much as I can of the plot I decided to add this little addition of things I liked that contain some spoilers so consider yourself warned. Firstly one of my favourite things is how Benji's physical change is so linked to his coming to terms and accepting his anger. The way he finally lets himself feel feelings he has bottled up as his body is corrupted by the virus was such a cool addition. And the fact that in the end the manifestation of his anger comes out thanks to the changes of his new "monstrous" form was really cool. Another detail I particularly appreaciated is how the author made sure to create a realistic group of queer kids, they definitely don't all think the same way, and have actually quite opposite opinions. I am particularly referring to the fact that another trans boy there does not approve of Benji's decision not to bind, or neo pronouns. These are unfortunately very real things that are happening in the queer community right now, and although of course it's frustrating to read about this stuff it's a detail that makes this group of people feel realisting and not idealized. Lastly another detail I particularly apprciated were the quotes at the beginning of each chapter, I think those helped make the world feel even more believable.

#hoping past me did edit this down bc it's been sitting in my drafts for WEEKS #i have so many book reviews to post asdhfalhf anyway very much reccomend this was it was great #hell followed with us #book #books #book cover #book rec #book review #book recommendation #reading #bookish #mine #the---hermit

[pocket-sized-nightmare]

my third entry for @mcyt-yuri-week!

prompt: hurt/comfort

ship: gem/pearl (hermitcraft)

The first few days after coming back from a death game are always the hardest.

Pearl is having an easier time with it than she did after Double Life, but she’s still struggling to adjust to her life on Hermitcraft. The sound of ticking clocks or the shimmer of enchanted items still makes her freeze up, and it takes several reminders from multiple Hermits before Pearl remembers she’s allowed to wear a helmet again.

Luckily, she’s not the only one in that position – all the other Limited Life hermits are experiencing the same problems. False jokes to Pearl a few days after they all get back that she can tell who played the death game by who’s wearing an incomplete set of armor. Pearl is glad to be able to laugh about it again, but she has the sinking feeling that she’s simply burying her trauma under bad jokes. Still, she can laugh off almost anything… except for storms.

If ticking clocks were a symbol of impending death, thunder showed its unavoidable presence. A clap of thunder and a lightning strike accompanied every final death in Limited Life, and Pearl has learned to associate the sound with the loss of someone she loves. She has her strategies for dealing with it – earmuffs, Otherside and Cat on repeat, and trying to sleep through the worst of Hermitcraft’s weather – but they can’t solve everything.

About a week after the end of Limited Life, this turns out to be a problem.

Pearl is mid-flight back to her base when storm clouds abruptly gather above her. She sighs and flies faster, hoping to make it back home before the rain starts.

Unfortunately, the rain starts less than five seconds later.

It quickly escalates from a few drops to a pouring rainstorm. Pearl rolls her eyes, pulls her hood over her head, and tries to keep flying. With any luck, she’ll make it home before the water weighs down her wings.

A few minutes pass, and the rain only worsens. Panic begins to build in Pearl’s chest. She knows what storms look like, and this doesn’t seem normal for one of them. As if to confirm her fears, a beeping alarm suddenly rings out from her communicator. She takes her eyes off the sky for a moment to check the alert.

<Hermitcraft EAS> ADMIN: EMERGENCY ALERT

<xisumavoid> hello everyone

(Despite her anxiety, Pearl almost laughs aloud at the tonal shift.)

<xisumavoid> i’m sure most of you have noticed this by now, but we’re currently experiencing a weather glitch

<xisumavoid> weather commands aren’t working, and the server keeps spawning storms

<xisumavoid> i’m doing my best to fix this as quickly as possible, but until then, it’s only going to worsen

<xisumavoid> everyone needs to take shelter as soon as possible. this is about to turn into a hurricane

There’s a moment of panicked silence, both in the chat and the server at large.

<xisumavoid> limited life people especially i am so sorry. this will be fixed soon

Right on cue, Pearl’s wings become too heavy to move. She glides to the ground and lands painfully in the mud. “Great. No more flying.”

To make things worse, she’s in the middle of an open field. She can just barely see the lights of the Soup Group bases from behind the fog, but her only way to get there is on foot.

An echo of thunder sounds behind her, and she panics and runs.

Pearl stumbles across the muddy field for a few blocks before she realizes she isn’t alone. There’s someone else fighting her way through the hurricane – someone else with bright red hair, deer ears, and antlers.

“Gem!” Pearl screams. The wind drowns out her cries.

Pearl tries to catch her breath against the raging wind. The world feels overwhelming and crushing, and it’s all she can do to hold onto a single affirmation of it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine. They’ll be fine. Gem will make it home, and Pearl will make it back to her alien base safely, and they have nothing to be afraid of–

A blinding flash of light and an enormous boom cut through her every thought as a bolt of lightning hits just a few blocks away from her. Gem, startled by the lightning, slips and falls to the ground with an awful thud. Pearl doesn’t realize she’s done the same until she reaches out to steady herself and her hands meet mud and grass. She instinctively reaches for her communicator to check for something, but it takes her a moment to remember what she’s checking for: Who died now?

There's no death message, but it still takes Pearl too long to remember that lightning is a natural phenomenon. She digs her nails into the dirt and takes shuddery breaths as Gem stands and stumbles towards civilization. It's fine. It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine…

A glint of shining blue catches Pearl’s eye as it moves slowly across the field in Gem’s direction. Pearl looks up, pushes her sopping wet hair out of her eyes, and freezes. An awful cry of terror fills her lungs and then dies in her throat. She can’t move. She can barely think.

There's a charged creeper after Gem.

Oh, void, Pearl’s mind screams in her ears. Oh, void, no. A charged creeper could kill her so easily, and then she’d be gone. Hermitcraft is supposed to have respawn on, but if the weather can be like this, who’s to say the death mechanics didn’t break too? I can't lose Gem. She means too much to me. I can't lose her. I won't lose her.

Pearl summons all the strength she has left and breaks into a run. The wind pushes her back, but she beats her wings fiercely and fights her way through the storm. Thunder echoes in her ears as she races across the grass, and the rain falls even harder until it seems to form a constant curtain enveloping the world.

The charged creeper hisses and flashes. Gem turns around and finally notices it. She’s experienced creeper explosions before, but a charged creeper is a new one for her. That amount of electricity won’t just kill her – it’ll hurt even after she respawns. Gem shrieks. She tries to run, but she’s fighting a losing battle with the storm. It feels like her feet are frozen to the ground. She’s going to die. Oh, void, she’s absolutely going to die–

Gem’s feet are suddenly swept off the ground as Pearl practically tackles her. As the charged creeper explodes with an earsplitting boom, Pearl wraps Gem in her arms and shields them both from the blast with her wings.

Even once the creeper is gone, Pearl and Gem stay on the ground for a moment, wrapped in each other’s arms as they try to catch their breath. Gem buries her head in Pearl’s shoulder and whispers, “Thank you.”

“Of course,” Pearl whispers back, trying to hide the pain in her voice.

Gem breathes deeply and pushes herself up to standing, then helps Pearl up. “Come on. We have to get out of here!” Before Pearl can say anything, Gem takes off running, leading Pearl behind her.

Their attempt to make it back to Gem’s house is a battle that seems even more intense than Limited Life. They dodge lightning, try and fail to shield themselves from the pouring rain, and catch each other when they slip on the flooded grass. Through it all, Gem and Pearl refuse to let go of each other’s hands. They’re Hermitcraft’s shiniest duo, the server’s most valuable treasure chest, and if they’re going to survive this storm, they’re going to do it together. (And if Pearl notices that Gem’s hand feels soft and warm in hers, or Gem can’t stop remembering the comforting feeling of Pearl’s arms wrapped around her and wings saving her life, neither of them say it out loud.)

After what seems like an eternity, Gem’s base comes into view. Gem sighs in relief and breaks into a sprint towards the door – only to realize Pearl isn’t holding her hand anymore.

Gem whirls around and sees Pearl collapsed on the ground.

“No!” Gem runs over to her. “Oh, no, Pearl! You took most of the damage from that creeper, didn’t you? Oh, Pearl, no, I wasn’t thinking…” She gently lifts Pearl up and slips her shoulder under Pearl’s arm, supporting Pearl as they both stand back up. “Come on. It’s just a few more blocks to safety. We’re not dying out here. I’ll make sure of it.”

Pearl takes a shuddery breath. “Okay. Let’s go.”

Summoning the last of their energy, Pearl and Gem struggle through the glitching storm and finally reach the safety of Gem’s base.

Gem throws open the door and pushes Pearl inside, then runs in and slams the door. 

Pearl sinks to the floor in pain. “Oh, void, that didn’t go well, did it?”

“It could’ve gone worse. One of us could’ve died.” Gem sits down on the floor next to Pearl. Now that they’re finally in the light, she can finally see the damage Pearl took from the creeper explosion. Pearl’s delicate wings are singed and fluttering randomly, as though there are still tiny currents running through them. From the way she winces when Gem puts a hand on her back, it’s obvious that Pearl’s back and shoulders are covered in even worse burns. Both Gem and Pearl are soaking wet, freezing cold, and covered in cuts and bruises. “I think I’m starting to understand what Limited Life was like,” Gem laughs awkwardly.

Pearl sits back and sighs, wincing with every movement. “Yeah, you’re right. I may have overreacted. I’m so used to associating thunder with permanent death, and then I saw you, and…” Tears involuntarily spark in her eyes, and she does her best to blink them back. “And everything was glitching, and I was worried the respawn code was corrupted too, and…” She can’t hide her tears anymore. “I didn’t want to lose you…”

Gem is about to hug her when she remembers that Pearl’s back is too burned to touch. She settles for cupping Pearl’s face in her hands and kissing her softly on the forehead. “You won’t lose me. You saved me, Pearl.”

“We saved each other,” Pearl whispers back.

They sit there for another moment, too anxious to move, until Gem finally stands up with a determined expression. “Alright, we didn’t go through all that just to die of hypothermia. I have a first-aid kit somewhere in one of these chests, I think. Can I get a health check?”

“Um.” Pearl refuses to make eye contact. “Two hearts.”

“Two?” Gem nearly screams. “Pearl, you have to say these things! I wouldn’t have just sat around here in my living room if I knew you were on the edge of death!” She immediately leaps into action. “Okay, I’m gonna grab you a towel and some dry clothes. I think we’re about the same size. I have some golden apples, healing potions, magma cream… let’s get you fixed up, alright?”

Pearl nods. Gem disappears for a moment, then returns in a new outfit with her hair wrapped in a towel. She carries a small pile of clothes and a purple shulker box with First-Aid Kit written in her signature messy cursive handwriting. “Okay, drink this first.” She hands Pearl a sparkling pink potion. Pearl downs the entire bottle in seconds and sighs in relief as the burning pain in her back lessens bit by bit.

“Better?” Gem asks, taking out two golden apples from the first-aid kit – one for her and one for Pearl. “Here, have one of these, too.”

They eat their golden apples at the same time. Comforting purple sparkles drift around them both, restoring health wherever they fall. Gem wraps Pearl in a towel. “I brought you some dry clothes, if you want to change out of what you’re wearing.”

“That’s really sweet. Thank you so much. It’s just…” Pearl’s voice trails off as she awkwardly gestures to her wings.

“Pearl.” Gem almost laughs. “Do you really think I would hand you clothes I know you can’t wear? Look.”

Pearl unfolds the clothes that Gem gave her. There’s a pair of fuzzy white socks and denim jeans embroidered with sunflowers, but Pearl notices the third item in the pile most of all: a soft blue sweater.

Pearl unfolds the sweater and holds it up. The phases of the moon are stitched into the front, the sleeves are the perfect length, and–

She flips it over and realizes something.

There are two perfectly moth-wing-sized holes crocheted into the back.

“Gem, did you…”

“I had a bunch of time while everyone was away on Limited Life. And also way too much wool. So I thought I’d try to make you something! I was going to give it to you at a more, um… opportune time… but I guess this works too.”

“Gem, this is incredible. I love it. I love it so much, Gem, I can’t believe this. It’s perfect. You’re perfect. I…” She trails off as she realizes what she’s said.

Gem blushes beet red. “I’m glad. I really wanted it to be good.” She chuckles. “Only the best for my– for the precious pearl of Hermitcraft, right?”

“Thank you. Thank you so much. I don’t know how to thank you enough for this. I’m gonna go try this on now.” Pearl disappears behind a door as her tears begin to fall again – not from pain, but instead from love.

By the time Pearl returns in her perfectly-fitting moon sweater, Gem already has two bowls of beetroot soup and a pumpkin pie on the table. “Late-night snack?”

“Yes, please.” Pearl happily sits down at the table and takes a sip of soup. “Oh, that’s so good.” “I do my best,” Gem says with a grin.

They sit and eat together as the storm outside slowly lessens. After a few minutes, a message pops up on their communicators:

<xisumavoid> weather glitch should be fixed!

<xisumavoid> i won’t change the weather before the storm stops because i want to make sure it’s totally resolved

<xisumavoid> but it shouldn’t be a hurricane outside anymore

<Grian> THANK YOU X

<ZombieCleo> you’re a lifesaver thank you

<PearlescentMoon> oh that’s awesome! thank you so much

<falsesymmetry> now please get some sleep x

<falsesymmetry> it’s long past midnight

“It is?” Gem asks, looking around.

“Oh, wow,” Pearl says, realizing the same. “I guess I didn’t notice it with the storm going on. I should be going home now, shouldn’t I?”

Pearl stands to leave, but Gem grabs her hand. “Want to stay for the night? The rain isn’t gonna stop anytime soon.”

That’s how they end up curled up together on Gem’s bed, resting in each other’s arms. Every so often, Pearl jumps in alarm at the thunder, but Gem’s quiet embrace is enough to ground her every time. They fall asleep together that way, keeping each other warm and safe until long after the weather glitch has passed.

It almost (not quite, but almost) makes Pearl and Gem wish there would be storms more often.

#mcytyuriweek2023 #hermitshipping #pixel writes

[schrodingersauthorii]

Fanfic idea: Matoba gets deaged, experiences the healing power of the Fujiwara’s parenting kicking and screaming

Hnnng, brain just spat out the best Natsume Yujincho fic idea. I have peaked, nothing will ever top this theoretical fic. I will labor in vain for YEARS trying to squeeze out a fraction of its potential.

Context: I am a believer in Animal Transformation Fic supremacy, of course I gotta figure out how to turn SOMEBODY into a cat, and Matoba is target #1 since it’d be funny because a) he likes cats and b) he has a canonically acknowledged sweet tooth and cats can’t taste sweet. Okay. Whatever: I have an incredibly hand wavy premise about a failed magical assassination attempt and cat hair, and a somewhat shaky logic to put cat! Matoba in the Fujiwara house.

Then, I realize: what if I had the same exact plot, except Matoba got deaged instead?

*slaps roof* You can fit so much angst and exposition in here.

Things I could put in this bad boy:

+ Older Natori, teenage Matoba interaction- My take would be Matoba remembering the one (1) meeting with the kimono, and then adult Natori swooping in to save his ass after the attempted assassination. So a total role reversal, where Natori is suddenly leagues ahead of Matoba. And Matoba can’t conceptualize the fact that *he* should also have seven more years of experience, so he naturally assumes that Natori was just A Really Good Exorcist Prodigy that quickly outstripped him because he’s so much better than deaged! him. Natori is, of course, squigged the hell out about that. It is completely unnatural for him to be idolized by *Matoba.* And also why didn’t he notice all these red flags for trauma before. He is a *baby,* why did anyone let them near exorcism at that age?

+ The eye stealing yokai still sees deaged! Matoba as clan head, and attacks him at Natori’s apartment. This has a lot of political ramifications, but also a lot of emotional ramifications, since Matoba *knows* that if he’s clan head, then his father and likely several other older relatives are dead. My take on the Matoba clan head is that, due to the extreme risk and probable high turnover rate, much of the actual political power is actually somewhere else in the clan. I get the impression that Matoba is a bit of a mover and shaker- more active than this theoretical body would probably like. Whether they were involved in the assassination plot or not, they’d benefit from an even younger and less experienced clan head. So Natori is highly motivated to keep Matoba’s survival and deaging a secret until they change him back.

+ Of course Matoba is injured. This is *fanfiction,* is it not? So we have fifteen year old Matoba suddenly seven years in the future- people have just tried to kill him, the eye stealing yokai came after his eye- therefore his father is dead, he has no contacts besides Natori because of the known conspiracy to kill him and being seven years younger than everyone expects, and now he’s (temporarily) half blind and with disabling injuries. (For plot convince, just bad enough to limit mobility and require assistance but not for hospitalization or to be too difficult to explain.)

+ Because Hiragi needs to be able to drop him off at the Fujiwara’s because someone broke into Natori’s apartment and she didn’t know where else to go.

+ Natori and Natsume don’t like it, but Madara’s much stronger than most shiki or exorcists, and nobody would think to look for Matoba there. They take the gamble that the Fujiwara’s will let Natsume’s friend stay without much explanation, and they do.

+ Matoba: he’s not my friend, he just feels obligated to help. Touko: oh, so this kid is TRAUMATIZED traumatized, just on the other end of the spectrum. And possibly on the other spectrum.

+ Same age Matoba and Natsume interaction- Matoba’s inability to communicate and befriend anyone like a human being vs Natsume’s inhuman inability to not befriend everyone, fight. Natsume would feel rather conflicted about it, but ultimately decide that he can’t hold things Matoba hasn’t done yet against him. I think that Natsume would tolerate a lot of the things that drove teenage Natori away for longer, and that he’d pick up on the cues Natori missed because he never looked pass the surface. They’d get down to their core differences a lot more quickly, and I think that deaged! Matoba would concede much more quickly than later series Natsume under the circumstances. What’s he going to do, when Natsume, Natori, and the Fujiwara’s- the only people he’s interacting with, the people helping him at his most vulnerable- are all telling him the same thing?

+ Fujiwara Shigeru and Touko and teenage Matoba: I have absolutely no doubt that they read every book on the psychology of troubled teens they could get their hands on, and they are READY. There’s nothing Matoba can do to shake them, and he has try his absolute hardest or else his entire worldview will shatter. But biting wit and rudeness doesn’t phase them, nor do admissions to cross dressing (canon! The chapter isn’t translated yet, but apparently that’s a thing!) and liking the male actor Natori Shuuichi. They. Are. Unflappable. He has to drop the ayakashi bomb to prove that The Unsighted Can Never Understand, and He Is Fundamentally Unlikable. Does not work: the Fujiwara’s tell him that they already knew, but not to tell Takashi since they want him to come to them when he felt ready.

+ One last hurdle: the whole assassination, deaging thing? *22 is still a baby.* There will always be room at the Fujiwara’s house for traumatized babies forced to grow up too soon.

+ (Takashi is Not Happy. But he can’t make a big deal about it because Matoba’s having an actual breakdown because There Are Truly Good People In This World After All and technically the results are all things that he wanted. But there IS a reckoning eventually. Cool motive: still a massive breach of boundaries.)

+ Nyanko-sensei and Matoba: Matoba absolutely *loves* him- he’s one of the ceramic cats that he literally obsessed over, and he enjoys the fighting. He just fundamentally doesn’t understand why Nyanko-sensei and Natsume haven’t gotten a ring and made it official. This is actually one of those core values differences: Natsume and Nyanko-sensei see not having a contract as a sign of trust and respect, while Matoba is a “tell the gravedigger that he better dig two” kind of person. This is an… interesting combination with the Matoba clan’s history, and helps explain part of why he’s Like That. You’ll never break a promise if you set people’s expectations low enough. + Natori gets roped into the revelations party; exposes the conspiracy; and tracks down the spell that went wrong. There’s a heartfelt conversation about how Natori isn’t the person Matoba thinks he is because he’s fifteen. Matoba resolutely Does Not Believe Him. Natori (accurately) comes away thinking that Matoba has a teenage crush, and resolves to ignore it. He’ll get Matoba back to normal, and he probably wouldn’t even remember anything so it’s not worth worrying about.

+ Gonna have to see where the manga goes, but if canonical events favor it, this is where Matoba would get kidnapped by Ban and his sister. Either to further their political agenda, or out of twisted familial duty a la ‘we can’t trust these outsiders to keep you safe, so we’ll abduct you ourselves.”

+ Spellbreaking! Butt kicking! Politics!

+ Matoba does, in fact, remember everything when the deaging is fixed. He has Conversations with Natori, with Natsume, with the Fujiwara’s about it. He’s genuinely regretful about his actions against them, but he exists within a Horrible Exorcist Society and he’s realistic about that. He offers Natsume instructions on self-defense techniques AGAINST exorcists, no recruitment offer attached. + It takes much longer for Matoba to tell Natori that he still likes him- has always liked him. Natori’s ready to throw him in the lake by the time he gets through all the disclaimers and caveats about what their status and duties would allow them to do about it. “Have you ever seen a conflict of interest statement from an exorcist? No? It’s because nobody cares! Make out in a sealed closet or secluded worksite like a normal person!”

+ My head canon is that the Matoba clan head can’t just break the cycle by giving up an eye: the eye stealing ayakashi would just kill him, and go after the next person in line’s eye as long as the Matoba clan exists. There are very big limits to what Matoba can do, but he does make an effort to tone down the cut throat pragmatism. Small ripples are already forming in the world of exorcists. Happyish ever after?

#natsume yuujinchou #natsume's book of friends #natsume yūjin chō #fanfiction #natsume yujincho #fanfic #horrible exorcists #Natori Shuuichi/ Matoba Seji

[the-6th-harbringer]

PLEASE READ

Hey. So. It's been a. while.

trigger warning: referenced suicide

So, if you haven't noticed, I literally evaporated for two weeks straight without any clarification on why or sign of actually being alive, unlike my last two week disappearance. Unfortunately, this unexpected evaporation does not come with a big "ooh more trauma more lore and angst for scara" thing.

This just happens to be my goodbye post.

I know, it's weird and kind of rude for me to dip for two weeks and then reappear like "hey fuckers im QUITTING hAHaA". Buuuut not only was my dad being annoying and hogging my laptop, I also barely have had time to myself for the past weeks. New family members have been introduced into my life, so now I have double the amount of little siblings to look after. (from 3 to 6. dont ask "how" thats a personal thing). juggling that with school, social stuff, fucking exams which are coming up in 3 months of my gOD, and other even more personal demons that I've been battling, its been. a lot.

SO, to make sure I do not pull the same move as Scaramouche did on the last day of his sakurarealm torture(iykyk), I'm taking a leave from tumblr. Don't know how long I'll be gone, don't know if I'll ever be back, but I didn't just wanna quit without at least telling you guys so you don't think I've been murdered or something.

On a more serious note, thank you all for all of the support and love you've given Scara and all my other blogs. While some of you are a handful, the majority of you are actually the sweetest and silliest community of people I've ever known. I hope you all have excellent lives.

Now, as for what happens to Scara, we're shoving him in another coma. which is entirely at the mercy of Wanderer's mod, because they're my friend outside of tumblr too and i trust that they'll use this as a major angst moment. Put an F for Cyrille and Scara guys

NOW: a few honorable mentions and thank yous:

@wandering-hat-guy : im not writing a goodbye type thing for you because i will literally talk to you tomorrow, but thank you for being an awesome brother-sibling figure. you are the wanderer to my scara :]

@an-active-rabbit : Thank you for being an extremely fun person to rp with. The puppets and the heart is a rp that wont leave my mind for a while yet. Many hugs for you! And I wont be forgetting Mikaven anytime soon >:3

@cyrille-leclair-de-fontaine : AUGH budddyyy im sorry to do this to you. But thank you for creating Cyrille in the first place. Cyscara my beloveds, they will always hold a place in my heart. Maybe one day they'll actually get somewhere. Im also willing to be your friend outside of tumblr if you wish because you're cool >:D

@dishonxsty : For also being a goofy little goober. My favorite rp with you was definitely the ouppy's and scara, and also kudos to you for making like 17 bajillion blogs and being able to manage them all at once somehow like???? go king go

Annnd @monsieur-neuvillette , who seems random because I havent rped with them in literally a century, but thank you for being the one to indirectly help me get over my fears of starting a rp blog AND being the inspo for me to start rping on tumblr in the first place. hugs for you too

Well, alls said that's been said, so I think I'll just end it off here, because it's been like 10 minutes since I started typing this and I am eepy.

Goodbye everyone except wandermod, and thank you for sticking with me through Scara's really out of pocket journey.

(PS: Rest in peace @the-tainted-blossom . I miss you everyday.)

#scara kinnie moment #i should probs reblog this to my other blogs acctually #yeah lemme do that

[podcastenthusiast]

A fic featuring: ace Geralt, some trauma, discussion of consent, and a whole lot of love.

---

Touch is difficult for Geralt. Desire, too; witchers are made to want nothing except to serve their purpose. He wants even less, yet somehow more than he should.

He's been known to spend months, even years, on the Path with only Roach for company. Never touching anyone beyond the brush of hands as coins are exchanged. He will go to brothels occasionally--let the whores trace his scars, cataloging each one like it's evidence of something, asking for the story behind it. He satisfies their curiosity and fucks them, too, because he knows how this transaction works, what is expected. He gives them whatever they want, and takes what pleasure he's supposed to. It's too much and it's over too soon.

Sometimes he leaves the brothel feeling lighter, almost like a person. Other times he is empty, bereft of that warmth, and unsure why he can't feel the way others do.

Geralt has theories. He keeps them to himself. Doesn't even tell Roach.

One theory goes like this: witchers are rendered sterile by the mutations, and Geralt was given an extra dose. Maybe that stripped away his sexual desire as well as his capacity to procreate. Or maybe it's still in there somewhere, buried deep along with a majority of his emotions and the kid he once was.

Maybe it has nothing to do with being a witcher at all. His brothers don't seem to share the same experience.

And Jaskier isn't at all like him; he loves fiercely and loudly. Jumps into bed with practically anyone who's willing. He will meet a barmaid and perform a ballad he wrote about her all in the same evening.

So it shouldn't be a surprise that Jaskier's soft heart has room in it for Geralt, too, but it is. It's also a surprise when the bard stays, like no one ever has before.

They share a bed now, as they have many times, but it's different as lovers. At first Geralt assumes Jaskier simply wants sex, and is fine with giving him what he needs.

But the bard loves to please others. Jaskier asks what he wants, and Geralt replies, "Nothing."

Truer than it's ever been, in this context.

"Everyone wants something. Even you."

"I..."

I just want you to stay. He can't say it. He is a creature defined by what he lacks--desires, fears, feelings, humanity. He has little to offer Jaskier or Yennefer or anyone else, just danger or a quick fuck. It isn't enough. He has no business asking for anything. He was made to be useful.

"Geralt?"

"Hm?"

"That's all right. We'll figure it out together. For now let's take things slow, yeah?"

"Been twenty years."

"And I wouldn't trade them for all the wine in Toussaint. But this--" He kisses Geralt's neck. "--is new."

"Hmm."

"I just want you to be comfortable, dear witcher."

"Why wouldn't I be?"

It's too quick. Defensive. Like parrying before your opponent even draws their sword.

"Well...I know you feel things differently." Fuck. Fuck! He knows. "Heightened senses and all that. I imagine it could make certain things...a bit intense."

He doesn't know. He can't.

"I'll be fine."

"And if we do have sex, I want it to be good for you. Because...honestly, Geralt, you deserve pleasant things, more than you know. You always say you don't want anything."

"I don't."

"And that scares me to death, darling." Jaskier's voice is low, suddenly breaking. "There's no shortage of awful people out there who will at best take that as an invitation not to care, or at worst to hurt you."

The wolf inside him snarls. He's not weak. Witchers might be harmed in battle, never in bed. But he takes a breath and tries to hear what Jaskier is really saying. He owes him an attempt at decent communication.

"Jaskier," he says. "You'd never hurt me."

"Not intentionally, no, which is why I need you to talk to me. Tell me if I ever do something you don't like, even if you've liked it in the past, and I'll stop."

Jaskier's calloused fingers idly trace a scar below his collarbone. He won't ask about its origin because he doesn't need to; he was there. Geralt's muscles grow tense even so.

"Stop," he snaps before he can think better of it. Jaskier stops immediately. His hands withdraw from the witcher's skin, and Geralt knows he just fucked up everything. He couldn't bear even that and now his bard is never going to touch him again and so few are unafraid, fewer still truly know him--

"Thank you," Jaskier says. He doesn't sound angry or upset. He sounds almost proud. "Can I ask-- Are you feeling overwhelmed emotionally, or was it the touching? And don't you dare give me that tired 'witchers don't have feelings' line right now."

"Touch," Geralt manages although, if he were honest, it's both.

There are times he can't stand to be touched at all, Jaskier has seen that-- after a hunt, when the lingering effects of his potions make the world feel impossibly sharp. But there are other times. There are safe people and places and Jaskier never looks at him like he's a curiosity, an inhuman thing, but Geralt's body doesn't always know that.

"You don't want to be touched right now?"

Geralt shakes his head. Then shrugs. Nods.

"I really need some words here, love."

"It's. The scars."

"Oh. Gods, I'm sorry. Do they hurt?"

Scars trouble him the least of his old wounds. They itch, sometimes, but they don't hurt in the way, for example, his knee aches when it's going to rain. Scars are an absence of pain. Of anything. Sometimes a reminder.

"No. Just numb." He takes a breath. Averts his eyes and counts the stitches on the blanket. "Most people I'm with... it's all they see. Like to touch the scars. I can't feel it. They ask questions; I tell them or I don't. Over either way."

They leave, he means. Or he leaves first. That fucking mountain. He's run out of words. His throat feels tight.

When he looks up again, Jaskier's eyes brim with tears.

"You are so much more than that to me, dear heart."

"I know," Geralt says, and finds that, quite unexpectedly, he believes it.

"Is-- Would a hug be okay? Honest answer only."

Geralt nods, and the bard pulls him in close.

"You know," says Jaskier after a while. He never could let silence remain unfilled. Geralt is grateful. "There are artists who mend pottery by carefully filling the cracks with gold. It's beautiful."

"Sounds excessive. Just make another bowl."

"It adds to the complexity, the beauty of the whole. I'm trying to say that's how I see you."

"As broken pottery to fix?"

"Gods, no. As someone who's survived so much, and is very dear to me. But your scars, your lovely eyes and your hair, all of it-- They're not everything you are, nor is witchering, despite what ignorant fools or careless bed partners may think."

But Jaskier has mended something. His reputation, for a start. His wounds on numerous occasions. And... more than that, besides, he thinks.

When Geralt finally does tell Jaskier the truth about his desires, or lack thereof, he'll think about that and form a new theory. Maybe he isn't a broken thing after all, and even if he is, maybe that can be okay.

#the witcher #the witcher netflix #witcher fanfiction #geralt of rivia #geraskier #jaskier #witcher fic #asexual geralt #should i start posting this stuff on ao3? #jaskier paraphrases amazing devil lyrics and I'm not sorry about it #for clarity geralt is generally sex neutral but he has a lot of shit going on too and mostly wants to be held #tbh i struggle to write characters who want to have sex with other people at all. can't relate #to me there's something so uncomfortable about the brothel svenes in TNW and witcher 3. i dunno #asexual headcanons

[cryoculus]

— guard dog 04 ⟢

pairing: thoma x assassin!reader

summary: the chance of a lifetime comes to you one quiet afternoon in the kamisato estate. except ayaka proves why she shouldn't have her blood spilled on your hands without even meaning to.

word count: 2.7k words

notable characters: thoma, kamisato ayaka

tags: found family, enemies to lovers, slow burn, angst, eventual smut

warnings: allusions to past trauma, homicidal thoughts

header art cr: ueauwa on twt

masterlist

Archons, you were never drinking again.

The moment you’d woken up, you felt like your eyes had been encrusted together in your sleep, and you rubbed away the annoying gounds as you sat yourself upright on the futon. Thankfully, you didn’t have that hangover-warranted headache. But your mouth tasted as if you’ll have to get well-acquainted with the mint extract in the communal baths before speaking to anyone else.

However, the moment you’d gotten your bearings straight, you realized all the other attendants had already gone outside—leaving you alone in the room, much to your horror.

“Fuck,” you muttered, scrambling to your feet as you rolled up your futon messily. 

The feeling of responsibility that’s been gradually easing into your routine was a bit…unsettling. You were, by no means, obligated to operate under the same biorhythm as the rest of the Kamisato retainers. In fact, you were a prisoner here. The least you could do to be a thorn on your unknowing captors’ sides was to go against their pre-set routine. 

But here you were, combing the tangles out of your hair as you made your way to the lockers lining the edge of the room. 

It’s not like you had a lot of possessions to your name as Kira of Sangonomiya, really. You only stored a few gifts from Ayaka inside, namely: two sets of kimonos that you wore interchangeably with the one you’re wearing now, and a ceramic fox figurine she’d purchased from Ritou. 

But those gifts weren’t really the reason you treaded to your personal locker first thing every morning. 

Once you’d removed the complicated lock latched onto the door, the little fox figurine stared at you from where it was perched atop your clothes. You paid its beady, lazurite eyes no mind—gently setting it to the side as you lifted the neatly folded kimonos off the surface.

Kujou Sara’s feather laid inconspicuously in place.

You breathed out a sigh—of relief or lingering trepidation, you couldn’t quite decide. 

Ever since the day Ayaka had invited you out to Konda Village, carrying it around started to make you feel agitated. Like it meant that you still wished to kill the princess in cold blood, so long as it was on your person. 

Well… You did! 

You weren’t just going to turn tail and desert the Tenryou Commission. Only idiots would dare cross the shogun’s military forces like that. Besides, you’ve assassinated big-name merchants and noblemen alike in the past. Though you were taking a bit more time than usual, you’ll see the Tenryou Commission’s job done—no matter what it takes.

…But why did your chest twist so much at the idea?

In your contemplation, your eyes flickered back to the spot where you’d temporarily placed the little fox. A frown etched its way on your face when you realized something else was sitting right next to it. 

You smoothed down your kimonos once more to conceal the dark tengu feather from sight. Then, with just a hint of careful curiosity, you plucked the strange amber jar that had not been there the last time you’d checked your locker. 

A small note was tied to the lid.

Hangover meds imported straight from Liyue. They work — I promise. I’ve taken them a few times myself! Also, I told the rest not to wake you up. Consider it a treat from yours truly~

You sighed, folding the note in once again. The only sign you could ever tell it was from Thoma was the lousy doodle at the corner, depicting a cartoonish chief retainer with his tongue sticking out. 

“Treating a criminal like one of your own?” you scoffed, yet you were unable to suppress the smile that inched itself on your lips. 

“Bunch of goddamn fools…” 

The next time you saw Ayaka again, she collapsed on her way to her quarters.

Your reaction time was immediate. Though you’d been preoccupied with sorting some of the Commissioner’s books at the end of the hall—you bolted to Ayaka’s side the moment you heard the thud of her body against the floorboards.

“Milady,” you called out, slightly shaking her in your arms. “What happened?”

To your relief, she didn’t pass out unconscious. Ayaka sighed, burying her face in her hands as she leaned into your embrace. You frowned. You’ve never seen her lose composure like this. 

It took three, deep breaths before the princess slowly peeled herself away. 

“My apologies,” she sighed, yet remained in your grasp. “It seems that I lost my balance for a second. Thank you, Miss Kira.”

Today was her first day back from the Tenshukaku, and saying that Ayaka looked a bit worse for wear was an understatement. As always, not a single hair was out of place; not a wrinkle to be seen on her noble garbs despite what just happened. 

But you’ve been observing her long enough to tell that she was beyond exhausted. 

Her silver irises—normally so bright and determined—have dulled into a lethargic gray. The dark circles underneath her eyes were too conspicuous for you to not notice. And from the way she’d carelessly handled herself like this out in the halls, where no one else but you could see… 

The perfect moment to commit the perfect crime. 

It would be so easy, too. Ayaka didn’t have her sword, and whatever the higher-ups at the Tenshukaku had assigned for her to deal with, it was obviously taking a toll on her well-being. And here she was, deliberately letting her guard down like she wanted you to go in for the kill. 

You didn’t need powdered crystal marrow or a sword to kill someone. You had two hands, and Ayaka had such a pretty, fragile throat… 

“M-Miss Kira?”

The princess startled as you struggled to help her back to her feet. You sighed, hoisting one of Ayaka’s arms across your shoulder before guiding her back to her room.

“You should really learn when to take breaks, milady,” you chided, sliding the door open with your foot as she stared at you bizarrely. “If the other retainers can slack off when no one’s looking, who’s to say you’re forbidden from doing the same?” 

“But…” 

Whatever protest Ayaka was about to rebut with, it melted into a forlorn sigh. Satisfied, you managed a lopsided smile as you helped her seat herself on her low mattress. 

“Do you want me to get you a drink?” you asked. 

Ayaka bit the inside of her cheek. Then, softly:

“Yes, please.”

On the short trek to the kitchen, you found yourself in another bout of self-introspection. Naturally, the logical, more rational part of you was having an internal meltdown. She’d been right in front of you with no one else to bear witness to the crime! And you just let that opportunity slip from your fingers? Voluntarily?

“Miss Kira, hey!” 

You jolted when you heard Hina call your (fake) name. She waved you over to the little circle she and some other attendants huddled in by the entrance. 

“Uh, sorry I need to do something for Lady Kamisato,” you apologized. “Another time, maybe?” 

Hina waved a hand in dismissal. “Oh, no, no. I just wanted to thank you. I’m the estate’s resident healer, yet I hadn’t the slightest clue how to effectively cure a hangover. The pills you gave me and the girls worked like a charm the morning after our get-together!”

You blinked. Right. After taking a small dose of Thoma’s little present, you’d decided to give the rest to Hina and her friends when you noticed them looking a little green the other day. 

“It’s nothing. You helped me the day I arrived, too, didn’t you?” 

“That is true,” she laughed, one eye dropping into a wink. “But we were just wondering if, when you’re not too busy, you could join us for a couple of drinks sometime?”

The other girls nodded encouragingly, smiling with a hint of anticipation. You…didn’t know how to respond. 

This was the first time someone’s invited you for drinks outside of an illegal transaction.

“I…” Just before you could let yourself mull over it, you remembered you had a princess waiting for a glass of water on the second floor. “I’ll give it some thought. Thank you for the invitation!” 

Hina nodded in understanding. “Sure! Just let us know anytime.”

As you grabbed a jug of water in the kitchen, you couldn’t help the fizzle of excitement prickling your chest. In the instances you found yourself hanging around Inazuma City, you always wondered what it would feel like. To be laughing with some girlfriends of your own as you all got wasted in an izakaya. 

You slapped your cheek a couple of times once you caught yourself daydreaming.

Relax. You hadn’t even formally accepted the invite, yet… 

When you finally got back to the Ayaka’s room with the promised drink in hand, your heart still wouldn’t stop pounding. Thankfully, the princess was too caught up in her own stress to notice.

“Thank you so much, Miss Kira,” she said, nearly gulping the entire glass in one fell swoop. Ayaka detached her lips from the rim with a satisfied sigh. 

You wondered if she'd mind if you snooped around a little.

“Do you need any, uh, help?” You felt a little sheepish for some, archons damned reason, but you pressed forward. “As you’ve probably already noticed, my assistance is quite useful around these parts, milady.”

Ayaka was silent for five whole seconds before she stifled a laugh.

“Hey, what’s so funny?” 

“Nothing, nothing,” she insisted, yet her shoulders were still quaking. “It’s just…you sounded exactly like Thoma for a moment there.”

Your jaw dropped. Did she just…? 

“Hmph. I know I’m actually here for you in your time of need,” you huffed, folding your arms together. “If I may ask, milady, what are you so busy with in the first place?”

Slowly, the glee on Ayaka’s face dissipated and you almost felt bad for asking. You totally just overstepped your boundaries, didn’t you?

“Well… I’m sure you know about the Vision Hunt Decree, yes?”

You opened your mouth, closed it, opened it again. “I, uh. Yeah. I’ve heard some…stuff.”

No good stuff, that’s for sure. 

Ayaka flashed you one of her kind, signature smiles, patting the vacant spot on her bed. Something about the gesture was oddly familiar, but you followed her lead nonetheless. 

“It’s no secret that the Yashiro Commission is the closest to both the Raiden Shogun and the people of Inazuma,” she explained. “And in that regard, we also serve as mouthpieces for each entity. What Her Excellency wishes to impart to the people, they shall hear. And what the people wish for the Raiden Shogun to know, we will deliver.” 

“The Vision Hunt has been kind to no one. Both the enforcers and victims alike suffer in their own ways because of it.” The princess clenched her hands on her lap, lip quivering with something akin to desperation. “This is why Brother and I ask for frequent audiences with the Raiden Shogun, in hopes of changing her mind about the matter. Though we’ve successfully mitigated their progress in some way, it…still won’t be enough. 

“Inazuma is the nation of eternity, but if Her Excellency believes that seizing Visions is the only path to achieve that eternity, then the Yashiro Commission won’t stand for it.”  

Ayaka looked up at you the next second—smile never wavering in spite of the expectations of hundreds, or even thousands, weighing on her lithe shoulders. 

Was…was this the person you’d been sent to kill?

“So, there’s that,” she sighed once again, letting herself fall onto the mattress. “I hope I didn’t bore you with all the gritty details, Miss Kira. I’m sure someone like you already shares the same sentiments I do…”

All of a sudden, the pieces finally started to fit. 

You never would have been able to tell that Ayaka wasn’t just some noblewoman whose poise and etiquette could put anyone else’s to shame. During your week-long stakeout of the mansion, you had assumed that’s all there was to her. A noblewoman with world-class poise and etiquette. Maybe even a snobby rich girl who had no idea what was happening to the rest of the world.

But…you never expected her to be this.  

A dignified woman who fought for what she believed was right in her own, silent ways. A public figure that might even influence the tides of the war.

A hurdle in the shogunate’s plans to seize complete control.

“Fuuuuck…” 

“Hm? What was that, Miss Kira?”

Shoving down the inner turmoil that’s beginning to blossom in your chest, you cast Ayaka a smile too tightly wrung to be real. “I’m just honored you chose to confide your troubles in me, milady. That must’ve been a pain to bottle up.”

She groaned. “If you only knew…”

Ayaka was an overflowing dam thereafter.

She told you about their parents—how they’ve always put the good of the people first before anything else, how they wished to continue their legacy. She told you about her dream to attain the Shogun’s envisioned eternity the right way, but you lost her a little on that part. Way too abstract for a commoner like you.  

“Oh!” she exclaimed all of a sudden, and you realized that the sky had already gone dark outside. “I forgot… I left Thoma in charge of the festival preparations. I promised I’d go to Amakane Island to meet him.” 

“Wait a minute,” you blanched. “On top of those peace negotiations with the Raiden Shogun, you’re…organizing a festival?”

Ayaka sighed. “It’s not as if the people of Inazuma are aware of what we’re doing behind closed doors, Miss Kira. We still have to commit to our year-long schedule to avoid suspicion.”

“But wouldn’t letting them know be easier?” 

For a moment, she considered your inquiry—finding the right words to respond with.

“I’m not very certain how Lady Sangonomiya does things in Watatsumi Island, but…” Ayaka met your eyes, and you didn’t miss how their usual glimmer was finally back in place. “I’m sure our objectives are somewhat similar.”

You craned your head in confusion, but the princess was kind enough to elaborate. 

“We rally against the decree, not because we want the praise and recognition of the citizens. Rather…we do it so they would never have to worry if Inazuma would live to see another day.” 

The princess took both of your hands in hers, and you nearly startled at the contact. 

“We fight in their stead, so they don’t have to,” she murmured. “Tell me, have you ever fought a battle close to a residential area, Miss Kira?”

“Um…no.”

“Exactly.”

You were about to tell her that you didn’t quite get it, still, but then you remembered Futaba and Takeru. How, in spite of the dreadful state Inazuma has been plunged in, they could still live peaceful lives in Konda Village. Aside from your…slip-up last year, there was no semblance of the war to be found in their humble community. 

And it was all thanks to the people fighting in the shadows. People like Ayaka.

She even thinks you’re one of them, a lone voice hissed in the back of your head. You’re horrible.

The words echoed over and over. 

Even when the princess wrapped up your impromptu heart-to-heart—

You’re horrible. 

Even when she invited you to come to Amakane Island—

You’re horrible. 

Even when you forced a grin and followed her outside—

You’re fucking horrible.

You thought of the time you spent in the estate. Of Ayaka’s wellspring of kindness. Of the fact that Ayato silently let his sister’s potential murderer live in their home. 

You didn’t belong there. You didn’t belong with them. 

Those people have done nothing but good things for you, and you still had the gall to play house? You knew the clock was still ticking even if the Tenryou Commission never gave you a deadline. 

If you take too long, they might just hunt you down.

Worse, they’ll take matters into their own hands. 

These were the thoughts that invaded every niche of your mind as you and Ayaka made the trip to the island along with a couple of her guards. If she noticed the barebones distress that you couldn’t quite mask, she didn’t speak of it. 

And you silently prayed she never did.

<- previous | next ->

© cryoculus | kaientai ✧ all rights reserved. do not repost or translate my work on other platforms.

#genshin impact #genshin #genshin fanfic #genshin smut #genshin fanfiction #genshin x reader #thoma smut #thoma fanfic #thoma x reader #genshin scenarios #genshin headcanons #genshin thoma #cryoculus #guard dog

[moonlit-positivity]

Fawn response in trauma is so incredibly hard to talk about and to also identify because its actually quite insidious how this forms as a survival technique in childhood, because that means that they (ur abusers) are so invasive and controlling to your very being that your brain says, the only way we can survive this is to mimic the danger itself, so that we can trick the ones harming us that we are on their side so that MAYBE they'll let up on us for a minute or two...

Fawn response in childhood abuse is absolutely insidious because it can show up in ways like...

- "you're right, it's my fault" in a situation that is clearly not your fault, but you know arguing just escalates the situation even worse

- self sabotage or punishing yourself in order to "save face" or hope that they'll go easy on you

- hitting or abusing urself whenever you suspect they're gonna be mad at you

- if/when they are mad at you, you feel like you need to outwardly show you are suffering and not happy with yourself because they are mad and upset at you

- involuntarily kissing ass or constantly taking the blame even for things you didn't do

- taking on more housework or emotional duties to show you love them and that you arent trying to be "difficult"

- subconsciously picking up and adapting certain kinds of traits from your abuser in hopes that it will bring you closer together, like picking their favorite sports team or becoming invested in their favorite hobbies

Fawning can also look like...

- martyrism/"taking one for the team" or constantly defending the abuser when they are faced with outside criticism (i.e. as a kid I used to get mad at my friends for calling my mother crazy, "thats my mother you can't say that!")

- saving/healing fantasies in which you wish to heal the abuser so you can fix them and finally gain their approval

- being so enmeshed with your abuser that you often feel like you are them, i.e. "i feel so empty, i feel like im just wearing my mother's face and skin..."

- Stockholm & emotional incest, even feeling like you're dating ur abusers or that you're not allowed to give anyone else your attention except them 24/7

- any situation where you feel unsafe unless you are giving constant validation to someone who you actually do not like and do not want to be around, but they are so volatile that this is the only way you can survive this moment. That's fawning.

Fawn response is one that personally makes me sick to my stomach when I think of all the times it's shown up in my life, because of how incredibly sickening the situations have to be for someone to hide their pain and disgust and act in a total opposite way that strips us of our autonomy but also induces humiliation and shame by keeping us "leashed and bound" to our abusers... we mistake our fawn responses for love when in reality our true authentic souls are screaming out in protest...

Healing fawn response comes in restoring your intuition and your sense of self- no, you're not crazy for being paranoid or triggered about that thing they said that reminded you of what you went through, that's your body picking up those same signals that you've already been through!- reclaiming your emotional boundaries, asking yourself how do you define true genuine love and connection with those you love and want to have in your life? Working through the abdomen chakra point, the root of our trust, regaining trust in ourselves to communicate when we feel threatened and to trust our intuition to be vulnerable enough to listen again, to trust our bodies signals... and to trust those around us to hold space for us in ways that make us feel truly safe and supported and knowing if we cannot find that in them that we have the ability to move on and look for people and places that DO hold that space for us... healing the fawn response is all about reclaiming your VOICE and the right to leave or question any situations that immediately make you ick.

#emotional health #fawn #fawn response #ptsd #cptsd #trauma #trauma recovery #trauma healing #healing #mental health #boundaries #relationships #toxic relationships #emotional abuse #fight or flight #survival mode

[leaderoffestivals]

Poltergeist Chapter 14

Arashi: Hold on a minute. Is everything alright? You didn’t do anything terrible to the children, did you?

Scenario Writer: Akira Season: Winter Characters: Mikejima Madara, Narukami Arashi

< The next day, in the morning. In a graveyard located in the same mountains as Dancing Cranes Home. >

Arashi: … … … …

Madara: HE~EYYY, ARASHI-SA~N!!

HAHAHA! How unexpectedly bizarre! I never imagined I’d be running into you in a place like this. This isn’t exactly the season to be visiting graves, is it? 

Arashi: … … Seriously? That’s my line~. You have the look of someone who definitely does not believe in the afterlife. You aren’t here to bow your head in pious prayer to Buddha, are you? 

Madara: Of course not. If there’s no such thing as God, then there’s no Heaven or Hell eitherrr. 

When you die, everything ends there―into nothingness. 

Arashi: There are exceptions, aren’t there? Or rather―even if you don’t believe it, Mama―Anzu-chan does, more or less, doesn’t she? 

That’s why she is still chasing after the shadow of “that child” to this very day.

Madara: Hoho~? Have you already solved the mystery, Arashi-san? Oh maaan, I thought I would be the first to figure it out. 

Arashi: Setting aside Aoba-senpai, I think Natsume-chan already knows what’s going on here as well.

That would explain why he chose Dancing Cranes Home as the setting this time, even though it’s chock full of unruly brats and thoroughly unsuitable for the staging of any heart-warming family drama.

The job this time seems to be more like a side-line, and the primary objective for us to be working as staff here is so that we can infiltrate Dancing Cranes Home―

Well, no―So that we can uncover and shed light on one of its mysteries this way. 

Madara: Just like undercover detectives.

Arashi: Exactly… … Speaking of which, how much have you figured out, Mama? Or rather, how much do you know?

Madara: Mm~, I only have a rough grasp of the situation myself, but—

After spending a whooole lot of time yesterday and today, playing with the kids in my Kaijuu group, I was able to completely drill into them the concept of “pecking order”—

And as a result, I was able to gently coax lots of information out of them. Thanks to that, most of my questions have been answered. 

Arashi: Hold on a minute. Is everything alright? You didn’t do anything terrible to the children, did you?

Madara: Of course not. I’m the son of a police officer after aaall, so I know how to stay within the limits of the law. 

Arashi: It’s not the law I’m concerned about, but the morality of your actions. If you’ve done anything to leave the shadow of any trauma on these children’s hearts, just know that I will never forgive you. 

Madara: HAHAHA! What’s with thaaat? Are you already thinking of yourself as their guardian even though you’ve been working at Dancing Cranes Home for only three days?

Arashi: Hmph. I’m very aware I don’t have the right to be putting on this kind of attitude on so many levels—

Arashi: But, do you know? That, even if the time we spent together was fleeting, and we’re complete strangers in the eyes of the law—if we’ve managed to communicate on a soul-to-soul level, we’d have forged a bond deeper than that of family.

Yesterday, I bowed my head and apologised to the children in my Rafflesia Group, saying, “I’m so, so sorry for making you cry”—and so on.

I meant those apologies sincerely, with all my heart. And you know what? Those kids of mine told me, “There’s no need for apologies at all. It wasn’t your fault, Arashi-sensei”—

Then they opened up a little and shared the grief they hid inside with me.

Madara: Hmmm. Grief, huh? For the kids in my group, it was rage. 

Whichever it is, they’re both negative emotions the “evil things” (1) are so fond of… … However, the situation here isn’t caused by the “evil things” or anything related to the occult. It’s caused by a graphically violent event that took place in reality. 

Arashi: Indeed… … It seems there was a terrible accident here at Dancing Cranes Home a few years back. 

Madara: That’s right. A reeeally catastrophic fire took place here. All the facilities in Dancing Cranes Home were completely burned down to a sorry pile of ashes and charred timber, so they say. 

According to the records, there were no casualties, however—

The remains of the burnt building still remain uncleared to this very day. They’ve been piled like garbage instead, along the mountain roads on the way here, and on the grounds of the new Dancing Cranes Home. 

Arashi: Ah, about that, it isn’t that no one has tried to remove the debris—it’s because they couldn’t remove the debris even if they wanted to~.

The girls I’m looking after told me that whenever hired workers came to remove the stuff, the stupid boys would always get in the way.

If the men were to try and load the remains of the burnt-down building onto their trucks to be taken away, the boys would either cause the engines to break down, or the tires to blowout.

Madara: Oh wow, seriously? The kids at Dancing Cranes Home are reeeally into acting like ghosts from horror movies, aren’t they?

Damaging all the modes of transportation to leave the characters stranded and trapped is a classic trope used to stir up fear.

Arashi: Mama, it feels like you’ve been referencing lots of movies and manga lately, haven’t you?

Madara: Well, it’s just that before Double Face was formed—and even after its formation, I should say—I was practically out of work. That’s why I’ve had an aggravating amount of free time on my hands.

Because of that, I’ve gotten reeeally good at killing time, and I’ve acquired lots of knowledge about various forms of entertainment while I was at it, too.

Arashi: Sigh. It’s a tragedy to be sidelined in work, isn’t it? I almost wish we at Knights could share some of our busyness as one of ES's Big 3 with you.

Madara: Hahaha. That’s the tricky thing about being in the idol business, isn’t it? It’s nigh impossible to simply hand off the work you’ve received to someone else.

Basically, the only ones who can complete the work are the ones who were commissioned to do it. 

Arashi: Exactly. We’re the only ones who can do the work we do. 

Conflicts arise whenever new members join, because of that very reason, mostly—they’re unable to integrate with the idol side, nor gain any acceptance in the eyes of the fans.

—————-To be continued——————-

Chapter 13 / Chapter 15

Translator’s Notes: 

Madara says『悪いもの』 (warui mono) or “evil things” here, which is the same way he refers to the so-called menace which fell out of the sky the Shinkai religion was supposed to keep in check.

This hasn't been proofed, so if there's any feedback, please DM me.

#ensemble stars #enstars tl #mam #mikejima madara #narukami arashi #new color #poltergeist #evil thing reference #Neverland of Grudges #pop culture reference #(does this count) #horror movies