#ever since then i've never really felt comfortable expressing myself though clothes around her

[the-rockstar-lestat]

How is the aspect of gender dysphoria handled in your kind ? I can imagine it must be miserable at times if hormone replacement therapy treatment dosent work ?

Fascinating question! Off the top of my head I don't believe I know any vampires who have attempted a medical transition, weather before or after their turning. So I will answer this question as best I can by telling you about my mother, Gabrielle.

What, did you think Gabrielle's cross dressing was merely for convenience? It may have started that way, but it didn't take long for my mother to begin preferring men's clothes to women's clothes, and it didn't take long after that for her to realize that it wasn't because men had more freedom, SHE simply felt more free in them.

This was around the time my mother abandoned my company, and society completely, to live in the forests or whatever it was she did for two hundred years. She tells me she reentered the human world around the time I left it, the 1920s, and with it came a new gender expression. (Before that, she says, they didn't really DO genders in the gobi desert. )

Gabrielle was a very early adapter of trousers on women, inspired by the likes of Greta Garbo and Katherine Hepburn. But she still identified as a woman. By the 1950s, she tells me she had found the lesbian scene, and that glorious word butch and for a long time, that was her identity. ("oh Lestat, you don't know how many beautiful women I ate back then," "....in what sense of the word --never mind, Mother, I don't want to know.")

Anyway, I believe that is what she was identifying as when I met her again, a butch woman. She had short hair for a while, cutting it off every night to better fit in with her subculture, but she, like myself, is a child of the 18th century, and didn't find her long hair a detriment to masculinity, despite her famous attempt to cut it. For a long time she wore it in a braid, along with simple, masculine clothes, mainly athletic wear, to suit her athletic lifestyle, although she occasionally donned female clothes, often simply to show off that she COULD. Sometimes a feminine touch was added, a pearl necklace, a high heel. But these were objects of our time as well, and not necessarily out of the bounds of masculinity. I don't believe she was ever truly comfortable presenting femme since the night I brought her into the blood. This was how I knew my Gabrielle.

Recently, however , led by the newest thought from the queer community, Gabrielle has begun rethinking her gender. She heard the term non-binary, and I don't think I've ever seen her REACT to something as much. There was something between man and woman, male and female? Something that didn't require her to confirm to either her assigned gender or the one she still had some resentment towards?

Since that revelation Gabrielle has talked a lot to me about her gender. Dysphoria was a term she used for the feeling when she was alive of "this isn't right" and may have been one of the (many) reasons she was such a cold person in life. Something was bothering her deep in her soul she didn't have a word for. Since she was able to present more masculinly she's been a much happier, much warmer person, she talks much more and is able to connect to people more than she ever could. (though she's still vice president of the introverted vampire society, second only to my Louis.) Gabrielle feels most at home in the queer community, and it's one of the few, though growing number of things we share. We invariably wish each other happy pride month.

As for how she dealt with it, her changes were minimal. She changed the clothes she wore, and occasionally her haircut. Gabrielle has yet to ask anyone to call her by a different name or pronoun, and she certainly doesn't mind when I call her Maman, though I most often call her by her name these days. Of course if she were ever to change her mind about this, we would all certainly oblige.

I don't believe she has any desire for surgery or hormones. If she had, I would have to ask Fareed if such a thing were possible. Our flesh is very difficult to pierce, but he has invented specialized needles before, I don't see why he couldn't invent a specialized scalpel. Our healing process is almost instantaneous, so the removal of flesh for what is commonly known as top surgery ,while painful, would probably be relatively simple to do and heal from. The adding or changing of it I imagine would be more difficult . Our bodies default to homeostasis (look at that beautiful science word I know!) as Louis once told you. I can see us rejecting any surgery or implants. Although it may be worth noting we can reattach our own amputated flesh. I've seen it happen and it's not a pretty process. I'm not sure what that signifies but perhaps....something.

I imagine , though, if a human was taking hormones before they were turned their body would maintain THAT amount of change, unable to be affected further or to revert. Like all vampires, they would be frozen as they were the night they were changed.

Anyway, that is in the realm of science poetry, but I can ask Fareed more about it if you like. It simply hasn't been tried. But I would be excited to watch it happen! I don't personally know any vampires who desire this, but it's a matter of time before we meet one, isn't it? And I have plenty of time.

@askblog-with-the-vampire will you ask Fareed if you see him?

#after fur and feather #science poetry #the modern world is truly amazing #tiger maman #gabrielle de lioncourt

[thedysphoriadiaries]

Entry 53 - 2 June 2023, 3:31am

I'm supposed to be doing something with my life, but I'm not.

I don't know where this apathy came from. Was it from the learned helplessness?

In a way, I feel that the only time and place my identity exists, is in the words that come out of my mouth when I speak to others. Other than that, it's just a blank slate.

There are moments where I try so hard to feel something, but my mind just comes up with a blank, every time. I feel trapped in an ocean. I'm just below the surface.

But I can never pierce it, to get my air.

...

He sounds a little gay.

Something I've noticed is that I'm never comfortable with my voice, only the voices of other characters apart from myself - Gyoza, the various soft toys I've played with as a child, and even some game characters, like Xol, in the Whisper Of The Worm activity. There was a point in time where I could... sink my throat all the way down, and do a little something to it, to get a really, REALLY deep, but weak voice.

Either way, someone said that about me.

It makes me see how... far I've deviated from the average guy. The ones who say ‘bro’ to each other.

I feel alone again, in that weird middle ground of not relating to being cis, but yet not exactly relating to being trans. And, the girls know I'm not from their world. The bulge in my pants tells them so. My hair (which used to be shoulder-length) tells them so. My face. My tone. All those tell them that I'm not a girl.

...

Even if I want to be one.

...

When you're done in the clothing store, come meet me outside.

That sentence from a friend of mine shook me from my daydream.

I pan the camera around my character again; she's dressed in a floral babydoll dress, with a pair of high heels. A pair of wiry, circular-frame glasses perches on her face, as I flit through the options posed to me, with regard to character customization.

I like looking at her and dressing her up. It's oddly... calming. Granted, that character was how I was expressing myself to the digital world of GTA Online, but still, it was... calming.

Dressing as a girl rarely calms me nowadays. Ever since the little fiasco with my size, and the size of typical womens' garments happened, I've stopped caring. It feels like a thing to be guilty of. It feels as if I'm stopping this because of the emotional slapback that comes with knowing that no matter what I do, or what I say, or become, this body was born male.

I don't know if I can keep being a part-time girl, even if it does make me a little happier at times. It's lonely and tiring, especially when I see other men do the same thing, but not get tired of it the same way I am.

...

Two buttons present themselves before me. One changes my sex, and the association that everyone has (and had) towards me.

The other erases all doubt about my gender. It makes me a cis guy.

I do not know which button to press, and I joke with a fellow trans woman that my therapist would say that there was no real need to press either of the buttons if I was unsure.

We both get a laugh out of it for different reasons, I suppose.

I wouldn't know if I wanted to press the first button, because... I'd feel like I was copping out of a life I couldn't handle. I'd feel like there was something I could have missed about guyhood which made me dislike it. And I would remember it. Plus, what if I do that, only to find out I'm cis?

The second button is not appealing for a far more straightforward reason: I can't imagine a version of myself who never felt the obsession (to the point of anger) with being a woman.

But, I am in the room. For now, at least. I... can leave the room at any time I like, though, I feel like it's not the first time I've been here, nor will it be the last time.

I want to push a button before I die.

That is my only condition.

...

I know which one I'd choose.

...

cool song time

also, my energy nowadays:

-unimpressed glaring-

#Spotify

[secretmajimasimp]

When I say I don't like dressing femininely often I dont mean it cause I feel insecure about seeing myself in it. I plain don't feel like a girl in those moments. I wanna dress like a dude at times without it becoming some huge thing. But I can't. It'll always turn into a tsunami of questions that I frankly don't want. I just wanna exist in peace. And I don't get how to explain that to someone that changed their entire style for men

#I'm sorry for the rant im just so exhausted with feeling this way #i think one of one of my most memorable moments with her was this convo we were having about heels #i made a throwaway comment about sticking to flats if i cant stay in my normal shoes #and i thought nothing of it #but then she fought me on it #her very first argument was What if your man wants you to wear heels? #i was just so confused #why would i change something so stupid and small for someone? #if they're really bothered by the way i dress do they really like me for me? #ever since then i've never really felt comfortable expressing myself though clothes around her #she always tries to make me dress more girly and i just...dont want to be that girl all the time

[jjareauprentiss]

A faithful night (Jemily Fic)

Ship: Jemily (Criminal Minds)

Warnings: Very tiny bit of smut, swearing

2025 Words. 

Summary: After Will breaks off their marriage due to the stress of Jennifer’s job right after she finds out she is pregnant with their child, she seeks comfort in the arm’s of a coworker and friend, though maybe “friend” isn’t quite the word.

Emily wasn't expecting any guests. It was 3 in the morning after all. She was going through her nightly routine of being a night owl. She cleaned up and put away dishes, and was making her way to her bedroom for a quick night shower when she heard a soft, almost hesitant knock at her front door. Panic and fear set in as her right hand reached for where her holster and gun usually are on her hip only to realize those items were put away long ago before the sunset.

The brunette made her way to her door, softly, trying to mask her footsteps on the wooden floor in case the knocker was in fact someone she needed to protect herself from. To her surprise, she was met with a blonde figure turning back around and walking towards the elevator, looking disappointed, shoulders slugged and head hung low. She recognized those gold-coloured locks from a mile away and with a furrowed brow of confusion, she harshly opened the door.

"JJ?"  She loudly questioned the walking blonde. When she turned around Emily saw it. Jennifer's face was completely drained of colour except for a rosy nose and red under eyes indicating many shed tears. Her hair was a mess and she was trembling head to toe throughout her small frame. Emily was a little dumbfounded and speechless at the broken look on her coworker's face. JJ opened her mouth to begin a sentence but all that came out were loud sobs as the brunette practically sprinted and engulfed her in a hug.

They stood there for what could have been hours, in each other's arms before Emily pulled away.

"Let's go inside okay?" She softly suggested, still holding on to JJ's shaking arms. She led her into her apartment and handed her a warm blanket as both women sat on the living room couch. They sat there in silence for a little while, JJ still refusing to meet her eye before getting the courage to speak, voice strained from crying.

"Emily, I- I'm really sorry I shouldn't have come over, it's late, You were probably sleeping, god I'm really sorry Em," She said as she tried to stand up from the brown couch only to be stopped by the gentle hand covering her wrist.

"Jayje, hey. You're always welcome here, you know that, and you also know I rarely am asleep at 3 am, so c'mere sit. please let me help, what's wrong?" Emily said with a soft smile slowly bringing JJ to sit back down on the couch with her.

"Uh um it's Will" JJ's voice cracked at his name. "We got in a huge fight, a couple of days ago and he um said that my job took priority over our marriage and he stormed out. When I got back today, all his stuff was out of the house. He moved back to New Orleans I guess." Emily stood completely still at this new information trying to find comforting words that could possibly help the blonde.

"Emily I'm pregnant. and I- I just I can't do this alone, I don't know what I'm going to do" She finished as she sobbed into Emily's arms. With the newest revelation, Emily was even more shocked and still trying to find some words of encouragement she just held JJ on the couch. slowly running a hand with her hair and squeezing her tight, but soon enough the blonde's breathing got more erratic, so heavy she thought she was going to pass out.

"Hey JJ!, Jennifer, honey look at me!' She loudly exclaimed pulling away, trying to get JJ's attention so she wouldn't in fact faint in her arms. And when sparkling blue eyes looked up at her she knew she succeeded.

"Breathe, slowly, It's okay, shhh I got you, I'm right here. It's all going to be okay" She whispered into her hair, holding her to her chest, having JJ mimic her breathing rhythm.

"I will be here for you, for both of you every step of the way. You have me and the whole bau by your side. I'll always be here for you Jen" She finished her loving statement by pressing a kiss to the younger agent's head. And as JJ looked up once more at her she saw a look that could only be described as pure love staring up into her own brown eyes. Nobody had ever looked at her like Jennifer was at this very moment. It was breathtaking in every way possible, realizing that maybe JJ did in fact reciprocate those strong feelings she did such a horrible job at hiding.

It was JJ who took the next step since Emily looked almost paralyzed still trying to process her emotions at the moment. She reached up, looking into Emily's chocolate coloured eyes and slowly connected their rosy lips together.

The kiss was soft, almost non-existent and it went away all too soon, when JJ pulled back, judging for a reaction from Emily.

The heaviness of the situation at hand hit Emily. How this all could have been out of a moment of desperation, longing for touch and not actually reciprocated feelings towards the brunette at all. The panic and insecurity set in and JJ saw It in Emily's eyes as she pulled away further looking at the ground in shame.

"JJ, I- 'm sorry I can't..." She looked up at the tears once again colouring JJ's face and forced herself to look back down at the carpet continuing her statement "I don't want us to do anything you will regret. I could never hurt you like that."

"Emily... please" Her broken voice pleaded at the brunette.

She took a deep breath before forcing herself to once again explain herself.

"Jennifer I love you, I've loved you for so long and I would never forgive myself if I lost you because I couldn't keep my own feelings under control" Emily pleaded back, trying to explain how much that kiss actually meant, though she really wasn't planning to confess her undying love for the blonde with that statement but all logic reasoning in Emily's brain really had been thrown out the window when JJ kissed her for the first time.

"Emily Prentiss you must be going insane if you think I would ever regret spending time with you, trusting you, kissing you or loving you for god's sake! I'm in love with you Emily Prentiss and how can you be so blind as to not see that!" JJ Screamed

"My relationship with Will. It was easy, I was going through a really rough patch when I met him, and fuck, he was there and he cared and I fell for him. But the second I saw your face at our wedding I realized my mistake. I was a coward for not telling you before and I was a coward for still going through with this marriage knowing how much I love you. I'm sorry Emily. I'm sorry I never told you how I felt" She finished, now a lot less angry.

"I didnt- I didn't know," She said now with a shocked expression on her face, mouth slightly agape, wide eyes standing by her kitchen, having walked away from the couch, after the initial shock of the kiss. Looking at JJ still sitting on her couch, now having just screamed how much she truly loved her back.

Seeing the insecurity flashing on Emily's face, her own expression softened suddenly feeling horrible for her actions.

"Well, now you do, now come over here and kiss me" She demanded

Emily finally for once in her life, took the hint and sat back down on the couch, launching herself at the younger woman's lips. This kiss was so much different than the first. It held years of broken hearts, longing stares and passion poured into every second of it.

Clothes started being removed from each other's bodies before JJ breathlessly exclaimed "bed" and Emily laughed at her antic's before grabbing JJ's hand, slowly kissing their way to her bedroom.

As JJ managed to unclip Emily's bra at the door of her bedroom she stared at Emily as pure lust filled her eyes.

"Enjoying the view?" Emily snickered seeing how JJ was staring for just a tiny bit too long.

"God, you're going to be the end of me Emily Prentiss" She laughed breathlessly, cupping the brunette's cheek, and began kissing every inch of her body, staring at her lips, slowly travelling down to her neck and collarbone. When she finally hit that one spot on her neck, she loved, Emily let out a loud moan and god did JJ love hearing it.

"I've been waiting way too long to hear those beautiful sounds from you" She whispered into Emily's neck suddenly pinning the brunette against the door and picking up her legs, wrapping them around her own waist. Emily was needless to say very surprised at the blond's strength but she wrapped her arms around her neck, letting JJ lead this one. Moving Emily to her bed, she quickly laid her down and moved to straddle her hips, in once quick move but before she could continue the attack on Emily's lips, the brunette looked into the blonde, who currently looked like a goddess from above her.

"You know, out of all the times I pictured this, you carrying me to bed was not something I thought you could do"

"You pictured this?" JJ responded with a smirk as Emily flushed with embarrassment.

"Just shut up and kiss me" She fired back quite confident now.

"Gladly" JJ winked as she went back to their earlier activities, hands roaming south and moans filling the previously quiet room.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Emily's eyes fluttered open the next morning she was almost convinced it was all a dream until she looked down her body to see blonde locks covering her own very naked chest, and small puffs of air tickling her, JJ's face almost buried in her neck. It was at this moment when she realized just how in love she was with Jennifer Jareau. She knew the road ahead was long and complicated but all she could imagine was the little family she created in her own mind. Her and JJ happy together with a young child by their side, looking the spitting image of their mother, with blonde hair and those gorgeous blue eyes she loved oh so much.

God, she was in so deep, but the way Jennifer's legs tangled in her own, and the way her toned arm was tightly wrapped around the older agent's waist, holding her impossibly close it was paradise in her eyes, and she would do just about anything to never leave it.

She was snapped out of her lingering thoughts when she felt a pair of lips lightly press a kiss to her now very bruised neck.

"What's on that pretty mind of yours?" JJ said croakily, only having just woken up, still dazed from their activities last night.

"Morning gorgeous" Emily responded sweetly as she leaned down to press another kiss on those lips she loved so much.

"Morning, love" She smiled as Emily pulled away once more. "So? I never got an answer, watcha thinking about?"

"Ah you know... how amazing it is to waking up next to you, like this"

"It's pretty great isn't it?"

"Sooo, no regrets?" Emily asked cautiously

"After what happened last night? no, never" JJ sweetly said receiving a giggle from the brunette.

"Good, good, I'm glad. But you should know I meant every word I said yesterday. I'll always love and be here for both of you for as long as you'll let me"

"That's perfect because I have no plans of ever letting you go" She replied looking into sparkling brown eyes, knowing how much love they carried.

#jemily fanfiction #jj x emily #Jennifer Jareau #emilyprentiss #emily prentiss x jennifer jareau #jemilyfic #jemily

[justrandomselfships]

Little steps- my self insert Fic (S/I POV) with a bunch of silly illustrations! Oh did I mention that this involves Kaeya? Well he's the main focus here even though Lisa is mentioned shit ton of times! Might write something for her focus too someday.

I finished it ages ago but I was afraid to post it- I'm not anymore and also✨ it's my birthday ✨

~~

Ever since I joined the knights I decided to write in a diary, it helped me keep track of time. Lisa told me that it can help me in various ways, like for example remembering names of the other knights, or checking my personal progress. Now that I think about it, it was long since I checked my old entries. Nothing interesting happened today anyway so I might as well read some. I don't really remember anything that was going on when I started so I suppose I could refresh my memory.

Today Lisa wanted to introduce me to someone- she probably wanted to help me by looking for training partner for me, however I had to refuse. You probably remember why was that, I got scared of meeting someone new again. I couldn't get that mess on her shoulders when she has so much to do as it is! And there was no way I'd meet them alone it'd be too akward for both of us!

I remember the exact moment I tried to come up with an excuse for future me... It kinda made me giggle how stupid I am sometimes, but let's look at something else...

I've never felt as lonely as I do now, I don’t even know why. I don’t miss anyone nor I ever craved any interactions... But to make that feeling go away I thought about talking to Amber but when I left the house she was talking to Noelle and I got scared to approach them... Instead I decided to sketch something and stay inside for the rest of the day.

I immediately looked at my sketchbook, I don't even have to look inside, I was drawing what's outside my window like always. Maybe I'll find some better memory if I keep looking?

During my patrol I got a bit lost... It was scary... But I wasn't alone, an Adventurer found me... However he got lost too. It was a bit unlucky day since I picked the wrong maps, we also got attacked a few times by monsters. I kinda feel bad for him since he tried his best to cheer me up but I stayed silent. It should've been other way around a knight shouldn't le

Bennett! How could I forget his name when I was writing this? He was such a sweetheart I obviously had to mess it up and make him feel uncomfortable... But I did make up for it! Maybe I'll finally read something positive? I somehow can't remember how exactly that went... Or if I was daydreaming about apologizing?

I decided to bake something for Bennett as thank you and apology for acting so cold towards him. But I had no idea on how to find him... Or what to say... So after thinking for few minutes I decided to talk to Katherine and ask her to give it to him. After "talking" to her I locked myself in my room out of embarrassment, I messed up again. I just said "Bennett" placed my pastries and left. Now I probably won't be able to face her for at LEAST two months.

I cringe at the memory... Gosh now this will keep me up at night for sure... I finally forgot about it and now it'll haunt me.

Wait a second... Did I really not made any progress at all!? I was trying so hard to socialize with others and get out more but I seem to still not be able to do it right. No, it's impossible. I'm good friends with Lisa! So I definitely made any progress... Or is she just so easy to talk to? Time to take a final look at something recent for a change...

Capitan Kaeya Alberich wanted to talk to me outside work... It might not sound like a big deal but somehow I just froze... I wasn't able to respond properly and he probably guessed what I was going to say, not that he ever can't do that... I might be too predictable. Either way I feel bad, my behavior was really disrespectful and I knew better than that to just ignore someone like him. I still have much to learn and I'll need to properly apologize for staying silent.

I only ever failed... There is no mistaking it. Great way to note down progress huh? Too bad there is none.

Think, what do I need to do to finally do better? I am the problem for sure but what do I really need to change? Maybe I should just start observing how others act... After all I never bothered to do that. It might help in one way or another...

Obviously there's only one place where there is a lot of people and I won't look like a total creep if I'll just listen in the conversations and look at random people... It's no other than the tavern. I'm scared to go there alone... But I don't have to!

Lisa would be willing to go right?... Then again I rely on her a bit too much and going out like this could be an opportunity to break the ice with someone else...

Jean is always busy, Amber will be way too distracting and we might end up somewhere else, Eula is too scary, Venti... I don't even know why I'm considering him.

Maybe that offer from capitan Kaeya still stands? It's from bearly 2 weeks ago so maybe if I get lucky and he happens to still be interested, I can actually go...

What am I even thinking!? I didn't even apologize for the last time... But being around so many drunk people is terrifying... However I can't bet on the fact that he won't drink too much... On the other hand he seems to handle people and I'll definitely learn something.

Screw it. It might be scary but I need to do it. Tomorrow I'll ask him! That's for sure! He's the most respectable and trustworthy person who isn't always busy and will not distract me.

~⏳

I'm scared to do it but I have to! I need to... Did I really say that I'm gonna do it today? Or should I just pretend that I never thought of it. He's probably busy today. Yup definitely that no need to feel stressed.

I haven't seen him back at the headquarters nor did I see him around town when I was coming back from my patrol- that's a good sign. It's still pretty early but I don't think that I'll see him today... What a relief!

Before I left the headquarters after finishing some paperwork I hear a voice that belongs to a beautiful librarian I am lucky to be able to call a friend.

"Hey there cutie, are you okay?"

"Just a little bit nervous that's all, nothing new haha"

"Do you need me to pass a message again?"

"No need! It's something I need to say myself..."

"I see..."

"But if you happen to see capitan Kaeya it would be nice if you could tell him that I was looking for him" out of habit I grab my hair and begin to play with it. Lisa's warm soothing voice blessed my ears as she said "No worries darling, I'll let him know" before she left and giggled to herself...

Wait... Oh no.

Why did I say anything!? Is she that magical that I can't say anything but what's on my mind.

If she happens to meet him my request will be unavoidable! Even if I tried thinking of something else Kaeya will know that I'm lying. I can't avoid him either... Can't waste his precious time...

How do I even ask him!? Do I need to change from my work clothes before I go? What should I do...

I didn't realize that I started walking in circles before someone approached me.

"Heather?"

I turn around and see the man I was thinking about all day. Dammit... I have to say it. I can't think of an excuse and staying silent is now unacceptable.

"Oh-uhm... Greetings Capitan Kaeya"

"Lisa informed me that you were looking for me"

"Oh right!... That... Haha..."

"I don't want to rush you, however I do have some business to attend to"

"I'm so sorry! I mean- since you're busy then my silly request is irrelevant"

"Come now, I believe that I should be the judge of that" his smug look made it ever so slightly more challenging to say anything.

"I just... Ugh..." I took a deep breath "Look as you know I was trying to loosen up recently and well I realized that I wasn't making any progress at all. So I remembered that one time you asked me to go to the tavern with you and I refused... I mean ignored you, which I am VERY sorry about but now I think that it was a mistake and today I wanted to ask you to accompany me but since you're busy let's just forget about everything" I felt relieved getting that off my chest.

"I don't think that will do, in fact I was heading towards the tavern so if you really want to I suppose you can join me" Oh right... I forgot about him gathering some information there from time to time. So it might work after all! He won't pay too much attention to me and I could investigate without tons of distractions.

"Let's get going then capitan" I say before he smiles softly in response "Wait do you want to get going now or-"

"Yes" he cut me off, which was fair and I'm glad he did it before I said something dumb.

We're almost there. Before we get closer I suddenly stop.

"That reminds me!" I realized I spoke out loud, as he looked at my direction my confidence dropped dead "I've never actually tried any alcohol so would you be so kind to recommend something for me? I figured that since I'm already getting out of my comfort zone might as well try something new" I said under my breath but he definitely understood what I meant judging by his facial expression and well... response.

"Absolutely" my heart skipped a beat. I desperately tried to start a conversation topic... But choosing alcohol might be something I'll regret...

Kaeya started listing few drinks I could enjoy his words were poetic as he described the beverages, however the names of the drinks went over my head. It wasn't that bad but I just felt stupid over how clueless I was. He definitely knew what he was talking about and I'm more than interested in hearing more. The more he talks the less likely I am to say something I'll regret.

"Obviously since I don't know how much you can handle I won't be forcing you to try too much too soon" he paused "Your father probably wouldn't be happy either if you returned drunk" he said teasingly. It invited me to respond less seriously.

"Oh no! This means that we'll have to do it again, how awful"

"We didn't enter yet so you can feel free to leave now before you regret spending time with me of all people" his voice was now suddenly much more hostile... Did I mess it up!?

He laughed softly "I'm sorry did I go too far? While I don't want to force you to do anything, I won't lie... I'm a bit curious to learn something new about you tonight"

We were still outside standing right in front of the entrance to the tavern if not for chatting we could hear from the inside there would be total silence.

"I'm sorry for being quiet again! It's just that you caught me off guard haha" I look away "There isn't much to know about me so I feel like I'll only disappoint you"

"I'm not so sure about that part"

"Wait... Did my father tell you anything about me!?"

"Look let's just get inside, We'll discuss it later"

Nervously I followed him yet again. The atmosphere was warm and I could see different kinds of people all over the place. We sit down.

"So did he tell you anything?" I ask immediately.

"Relax, he didn't" he seemed amused by my desperation to know. It's understandable... And I'm probably overreacting anyway. I collect my thoughts "I'm sorry"

"What are you sorry for?"

"I'm just making this into some big deal for no reason. Maybe the reason is the huge amount of respect I have for you that makes me freak out"

"I see, well I don't see the reason to be so formal now. We aren't working after all" his soft smile was enough for me to calm down.

"Thank you" Maybe it was all I needed to hear, after that everything went smoothly.

I start feeling proud of myself... Maybe I can change after all? Either way it only shows that I have to write it down! And once I was back home I did just that.

Today I had enough courage to take a step in right direction! I went to a tavern with capitan Kaeya. It was fun and for the first time in years I wasn't that scared. It wasn't totally perfect but it was definitely worth it.

#❄️ frozen in tide 🌊 #selfship #self insert #oc x cannon #self ship #my self insert #self shipping #my f/o #kinda self ship related #my self ship #kaeya x oc

[cordonian-literature]

The Aftermath - Ch. 14

Goodbye, NYC

SUMMARY: The group leaves for Cordonia

Word Count: ~3.8k

Warnings: Mention of character death

A/N: i am soooo sorry that i haven’t updated as regularly, i’ve been pretty drained this past week but hopefully it won’t happen again. & also i just wanted to give my thanks to each and every one of you for all the comments, likes, & reblogs. it means more than you all could know <3

*All characters belong to Pixelberry, except those that are unique to my story (I've also used some characters and fictional instances from Donna Tartt's "The Goldfinch")*

Catch up here!

Tags: @captain-kingliamsqueen​ @marshmallowsaremyfavorite​ @gkittylove99​ @lovablegranny​ @loudbluebirdlover​ @mom2000aggie​ @kingliam2019​ @queenrileyrose​ @shanzay44​ @cordonianroyalty​ @hopefulmoonobject​ @hopelessromanticmonie​ @cinnamonspongecake​ @queenjilian​ @kuladekiwi​ @twinkle-320​ @iaminlovewithtrr​ @charlotteg234​ @amandablink​ @texaskitten30​ @tinkie1973 @louiseingram1208 @queencatherynerhys​ @pens-girl-87​ @missevabean​​ @ladyangel70​ @sanchita012​ @cordonianprincess​ 

I hope I got everyone tagged! If I missed anyone, or anyone wants to be added/removed, let me know!

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- Eleanor - 

Today was our last day of school since we were all leaving for Cordonia tomorrow. When Rowan dropped us off, she told us that it was okay to feel sad about leaving. That made me think I was going to tear up when I would have to say goodbye to all my friends, but surprisingly, it wasn't that difficult, considering that I knew I would never see these people again in my life.

When Rowan picked us back up, I decided to ask Gabe how his day had gone. Ever since that dinner with Mama and Liam, he had been distant. And honestly, that upset me.

All of the adults had were occupied lately, helping Mama get to her appointments and trying to make her feel better. Grandma and Rowan had been helping us pack, and Rowan was always busy trying to make sure that Grandma didn't change her mind about us going with Liam. So since everyone else had something to do, I only had Gabe to spend the day with, and now that Gabe was distancing himself from me, I was technically alone.

Rowan opens up the door to our penthouse, telling us to go inside. She said that she would be back in a couple of hours and had to go home and pack (since Grandma decided that the only way she was going to let us go was if Rowan came with us). I closed the door and turned to tell Gabe about my day, but he had disappeared.

I walked into the living room, finding it empty. I heard voices from the dining room, but I didn't feel like talking to Liam's friends at the moment, so I go towards our bedrooms, leaving my backpack next to the couch.

Once I reach Gabe's door, I knock. I hear him cough from the other side, so I try to open the door, but the handle doesn't turn.

"Gaaaaabbbeee!" I call to him. "Please don't lock yourself in your room again!"

"Go away!" he shouts at me. "Leave me alone! And stop being annoying!"

I shake the door handle a few more times, to which Gabe responds, "Stop it! Don't break my door!"

"I won't break it if you open it!" I call back.

"No!"

I feel tears burning at the backs of my eyes. If Gabe wasn't going to talk to me, who was? Everyone else in the house was busy. And all I wanted was to talk about my day at school.

I look around me at the empty hallway and suddenly feel so alone. I feel empty, but at the same time, I feel like there are so many emotions inside of me that I was going to burst.

So... if Gabe wasn't going to talk to me, and I had said goodbye to all of my friends in school today... did that mean that I really had no companions to speak with anymore?

I feel so far away from everyone else. I couldn't go into the dining room with everyone because I didn't belong there (and they probably didn't want a crying baby to ruin the mood), and I couldn't go to Gabe either because he didn't want me near him.

I had never really felt lonely before. Friendly people always surrounded me, and there was still a shoulder for me to cry on. Now there was no one and nothing.

If I felt like this at home in New York... then would I feel worse in Cordonia? Where I didn't know what the houses or apartments looked like, how the other kids acted, how their subways worked?

Suddenly I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay. I wanted the loneliness to go instead of me. Why did Gabe want me to be alone? Weren't we supposed to be in this together?

I ball my fists and start pounding on Gabe's door, and eventually start crying, too. The tears blur my vision, and I couldn't even see the outline of the door, but as long as my hand hurt a little when it made contact with whatever was in front of me, I took that as a good sign.

I was about to start kicking the door, but a pair of large, soft hands grab my arms and pin them to my sides. The person turns me towards them, and I come face-to-face with Liam. His eyebrows are slightly furrowed, and the corners of his mouth tilt downwards in concern.

I stop crying for a moment, allowing the remaining tears in my eyes to fall so that I could fully see Liam.

Daddy used to make the same expression that was on Liam's face, and for half a second, I actually see my father instead of Liam. Even though Liam's hair was blond and his eyes are blue, while Daddy's hair was dark brown, and his green eyes were always on the other side of a pair of glasses — their expressions are frighteningly similar. I have to stop myself from referring to Liam as my father.

And that took a lot of energy. I take a shaky breath to stop the words from escaping, and when I see Daddy again after Liam's eyes twitch, I bury my face in Liam's neck and continue crying.

"Oh, Ella, it's alright." He wraps his arms around me, which is so comforting that I start crying even harder. I missed having someone envelop me such safe hugs. Liam rubs a hand along my back. "It's alright. You're alright, I'm here."

I hear the click of a lock and know that Gabriel has opened his door. I can't see him, but I feel Liam's neck crane upward to look at Gabe.

"Sorry, Ella," my brother says. "I didn't realize you were outside."

"You're lying," I mumble into Liam's neck.

Liam sighs but keeps me in his arms until my crying subsides. I hear Gabe retreat into his room again. Liam pats my back, and I remove myself from his embrace to follow my brother into his room, wiping my tears on my sleeve, my bout of angry sadness over.

Gabe is on his bed, playing with his Nintendo Switch. I can't tell what game he's playing, but I hear the animated characters' grunts and catchphrases. Looking around his room, I see that the shelves along the walls of the room are half empty. There were open suitcases in front of his closet, which still had a few clothes that needed to be packed. (Thankfully, Grandma had already helped me pack all of my things, so I didn't have to worry about my own clothes).

I look at Gabe, wondering if he would talk to me now. Understanding that he wasn't going to glance up from his game, I'm about to ask him if I can use his PlayStation before he puts it away, but Liam speaks up.

"I know it must be difficult for both of you—" he stares at Gabe, trying to get his attention, "—having to leave your home and everything you know to start living in a foreign country. It's not going to be the same there as it is for you here." His shoulders are tense, and he pulls his hand behind his back. Liam seems uncomfortable, and it's not a good look for him. "You will also spend a lot of time under public attention, and that may be difficult to adjust to. I want you both to know that if there's anything you need, I'll always be there to help you through it."

"Yeah, you said that already," Gabe mumbles, still playing his game.

Liam's face falls. He opens his mouth a little but then closes it again. Liam turns to look at me, and I smile at him.

He hesitates for another moment before saying, "How was school today, Eleanor?"

"It was nice!" I tell him, suddenly giddy with excitement, remembering all the events of the day. "My teacher told the gym teacher that today was my last day, and so the gym teacher brought out these scooters that we had to sit on, and we played football on the scooters! And then look!" I hold out my finger to him, and he cups my hand in his to bring it closer to his face. "My team was about to win, and I had the ball, but then this girl from the other team, Veronica, who doesn't like me, made her scooter go over my finger and then my nail broke a little bit and started bleeding a little and then I had to go to the nurse, and the nurse gave me a lollipop! I would give it to you, but I ate it already. Sorry."

He looks back at my face, gently running his thumb over my bandaged finger. One corner of Liam's mouth lifts, and he says, "That's alright. It seems like you had an exciting day. Did Veronica get in trouble?"

"Nuh-uh," I exclaim, shaking my head. "She rolled away. And then when I came back from the nurse, everyone was waiting because we had to go back to our class and when we got there the teacher gave us pizza and tiny cupcakes! But then I had to say goodbye to everyone, and it was sad."

He kneels down on one knee so that our faces are at the same level. "Well, I know it must be upsetting to say goodbye to your friends, but I'm sure you'll make new ones in Cordonia."

I shrug, not really believing him.

"Oh, don't be like that. I know many children in court that would love to be your friend!"

"Like who?" I ask him.

"Well..." he looks away, deep in thought. "How about Bartie?"

"Bartie never wants to do anything!" I tell him.

"And all he does," Gabe speaks up, finally putting his game down, "is walk around saying, 'I mustn't, Your Highness. No, thank you, Your Highness.' He's so boring. And why does he call me that? My name is Gabriel."

I notice that Gabe put his Switch on the bed, so I run for it and start trying to play the game.

Liam stands and comes to sit on the edge of the bed. "Since we are going to announce to the public that you are my son, you will be anointed as my heir and will be the Crown Prince. Whenever someone speaks to you, they will refer to you as 'Your Highness.'"

"Why?" Gabe asks. He leans into my side, trying to see what I'm doing in the game. I make my character, a really buff dude with a red headband, jump around other characters who are chasing him.

"That's how it works," Liam states. "They refer to their king and queen as 'Your Majesty,' whose Latin root word is 'greatness.' They call the prince or princesses 'Your Highness,' because of their high status. Bartie is accustomed to a life of formality, so it's natural for him."

"So...," Gabe turns to Liam, "they call you 'Your Majesty' because you're the king, right?"

"Nuh-uh!" I exclaim. Liam chuckles, and when I turn to look at him and laugh along, the Nintendo Switch vibrates, and a man's voice from the game screams 'GAME OVER!'

Gabe takes the device from my hands and starts another game. Liam points at Gabe's suitcases. "Do you need any help packing the rest of your things?"

"Nah, I'm good. Grandma said she'd give me a hand with everything that's left," Gabe responds. As an afterthought, he adds, "Thank you, though."

Liam gives a small nod. "Well, then... I wanted to let you both know that I am leaving for Cordonia today."

Gabriel looks up. "I thought we were all leaving together?"

"Yes, but since the press doesn't know that you're my son, we have to be discreet and enter the country at different times to make sure news or rumors don't get out before we're ready to give an announcement."

"So when are we going to see you?" I ask.

"A few days after you settle in with the Beaumonts, I'll come to see how you are all doing, and I'll bring you back to the capital for the social season."

"That's the thing you were asking Mama about?" I question.

He gives a small smile. "Yes, your mother has gone through the social season before."

Bastien interrupts our little conversation by knocking on the door. "Your Majesty," he says. "The jet should be ready now. Shall we depart?"

"Yes, thank you for alerting me, Bastien." Liam stands and turns back to us. "I'll see you two very soon."

"Okay!" I exclaim, getting off of the bed to give Liam a hug.

He puts a hand on my head, and when I back away, he tells me, "If there are any mean Veronicas in Cordonia, promise you'll tell me if they bother you?"

I laugh a little and then promise.

When we part, I see Gabe and Liam stare at each other awkwardly, but neither of them makes a move. After a few moments, Gabriel lifts his hand in farewell. Liam smiles and nods, and then leaves.

For a few more minutes, I watch Gabe play, waiting for him to give me a turn. Before he gets a chance to start the game again and give it to me, we hear his phone vibrating from the inside of his backpack. When he crosses the room to take it out, before answering it, he tells me, "It's Uncle Boris!"

Uncle Boris was Daddy's college friend, and also our Godfather. We hadn't seen him in a while. He was traveling around Europe for business and to spend time with his wife and kids. We were actually supposed to visit him a couple weeks ago, but because of the bombing, we couldn't.

Gabe answers the phone and puts it on speakerphone. We both huddle in front of it and a nostalgic joy vibrates in my heart when I hear Uncle Boris' thick Russian accent call out, "Hello, zayats!"

We giggle at the nickname that hasn't worn off since Gabe lost his front teeth (when they came back in, Uncle Boris had commented that he looked like a little rabbit), and then in union we say, "Hi, Uncle Boris!"

"Rowan tells me today was last day of school for you two?" he asks us in his broken English.

"Yeah," Gabe answers. "We're leaving for Cordonia."

"Cordonia, eh?" (He pronounces it 'CARdonia'). "That is not an hour's flight from where I am!"

"Really?" I ask. "Are you going to visit us? Can you please visit us?"  

"If your Mama allows, then yes, I visit. But what you children go to Cordonia for?"

"Because apparently Liam is Gabe's dad that Mama never told us about," I ramble, "and since Daddy's not here anymore and Mama doesn't have a lot of her memory, we have to go with him and his friends."

"Liam?" Uncle Boris questions. "Liam, who?"

"Uh." Gabe frowns. "I don't know his last name. But he says he's a king."

"Which is fake!" I blurt out. "I bet he's lying about it."

"Ah!" Uncle Boris exclaims. "King Liam! Yes, yes, your mother tell me and Potter about him." (Uncle Boris has always called Daddy 'Potter' because Daddy's glasses used to remind Uncle Boris of Harry Potter). "What he wants?"

"He's bringing us to Cordonia with him," Gabe states.

"Pfft. Nonsense king. Bringing small child to foreign country to keep stupid monarchy alive. You know why countries have no more monarchy? Take Russia as example—."

He continues rambling, and I genuinely think he doesn't remember he's talking to us. Gabe looks up at me and whispers, "I think he's drunk!" He coughs loudly into his elbow, and the vibration I hear from the back of his throat tells me the cough was genuine. But Uncle Boris doesn't seem to notice and keeps talking.

I cover my mouth and giggle. There's another knock on the door, and we turn to see Rowan, followed by Maxwell.

"What's up, baby blossoms?" Maxwell calls to us.

In a loud whisper, Gabe responds, "Talking to Uncle Boris!"

"It's okay," Rowan says, grabbing the phone and taking it off of speakerphone. "I've got this. There's food for you guys if you want something to eat?"

"C'mon, blossoms!" Maxwell exclaims, leading us towards the dining room. "Are you guys excited to get to Cordonia tomorrow?"

We shrug and nod, trying our best to seem somewhat enthusiastic.

"Aw, don't worry. I'm sure you'll love it when you finally get there. Your mom came to adore it after just spending a short time there." He pauses for a moment, then lowers his voice before continuing, and I don't think Gabe and I are meant to hear what he said when he goes, "That's why it was so much of a surprise when she left."

Gabe and I share a worried glance. In the short time that we had known Maxwell, he was always cheerful. But his last sentence was carried out with a heavy voice. "At least it's good that she's finally going back?" Gabe states, accidentally making it sound like a question.

Maxwell looks down at him, patting Gabe's head. "It sure is, baby blossom. It sure is."

- Drake -

The day after Liam left, the Beaumonts, Drake, Rowan, Riley, and her kids were all in the airport waiting for the pilot to get ready. Liam had told Drake before leaving that he thought it would be best if he went back home with the Beaumonts so he could help Riley and the kids settle in. Drake wanted to tell him that he already decided that, but he believed that it would be best not to agitate Liam, who was already stressed.

When it was time to finally get on the jet, Drake tells Maxwell to grab Riley's crutches before she can reach them. Drake then offers to carry Riley in his arms to help her board the plane.

She blushes and argues that she can do it herself, but then accepts after Drake persists. Her kids follow closely behind, not taking their eyes off of their mother.

Inside, he puts her down and takes the seat right next to her, while the kids take the seats in front of them. While everyone else settles in, Drake notices Riley moving around.

"You good, Brooks?" he asks her.

"Yeah," she says. "My leg's making me a bit uncomfortable, though."

"The doctor said that you had to keep it elevated. Here." Drake gently grabs her injured leg and sets it down on his knee. "That better?"

"Yeah, thanks." She smiles at him.

For the rest of the plane ride, Riley goes in and out of naps, resting her head on Drake's shoulder. The children talk with Rowan and Maxwell, who seem to be getting friendly with one another. Bartie stares out of the window for the most part but does his best to include himself in conversations with Gabriel and Eleanor. Savannah and Bertrand murmur amongst themselves, and occasionally Bertrand stands to make sure that Riley's doing alright.

Drake sits silently, glancing at Riley while she slept, doing his best not to remind himself of the first time he and Maxwell had brought her to Cordonia.

He promised himself that he would do everything that he could to make sure there would be no repeat of the social season or the Engagement Tour.

I'll be damned if I let the court ruin Riley and her kids, he thinks to himself.

Drake watches Maxwell teach Gabriel and Eleanor a game he just created. When he glances out the window, Drake takes a moment to stare at the expanse of water that had separated him from Riley for so long. He checks the time, trying to estimate when they would be able to view Cordonia out the window, hoping to wake Riley to let her see the shore. He hated that she still didn't remember any of them; there were still so many questions they needed to ask her.

He stares down at her sleeping face, and for a moment, his heart aches for everything that she's gone through. There's a sense of guilt that vibrates within him, for everything that he did and didn't do. And there's also... reluctance. He's almost scared to bring her back, to bring happiness back. They had all spent so much time in a deep hole of 'if only' that leaving the hole felt unnatural. Eventually though, that all fades away as Drake drifts into sleep, Riley's peaceful features having allured him.

- Bastien -

Due to unpredictable weather the night before, King Liam's jet was unable to take flight for Cordonia when he had wished it to. The delay lasted for hours, and King Liam's aircraft was finally in the air only an hour before the Beaumont's plane was predicted to take off. Liam told Bastien it would be best not to tell the Beaumont's about his delay, seeing that they still had to give off the illusion that everyone was arriving from a different place, but Bastien saw the reluctance in his king's eyes; the man wanted to go with them, but couldn’t.

As King Liam's jet lands in the capital, Bastien sends a radio message to the rest of the King's Guard to keep away paparazzi and to make sure there was no threat in any surrounding areas. Near the entrance of the airport, there's a limo waiting for the king. Bastien opens the door for Liam, then goes to sit in the front.

He sends out another message to the guards still in the palace, alerting them that the king was returning, and reminding them to report anything pressing. Bastien receives messages stating that there was nothing eventful going on, except small preparations for the social season. Bastien breathes out, glad that his king would not have more to bother him.

When they reach the palace, Bastien jumps out of the car and follows King Liam, who is already through the entrance.

There's noise on the other end of his earpiece, and Bastien is about to ignore it and shut it off before a female guard's voice states, "Alert His Majesty that he has someone waiting to speak to him."

Bastien doesn't say anything back into the radio, since King Liam was walking right beside him. Before Bastien can tell his king the news, the woman's voice sounds again.

"Bas, can you hear me? Prince Leo wants His Majesty to know that he's waiting to talk to him. He says it's important."

#the royal romance #choices trr #trr fanfic #trr fandom #the royal romance fanfic #choices fanfiction #trr #trr liam x mc #liam x riley #trr fanfiction

[binkysteebnpewter]

Of Paper Planes & Teddy Bears

Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x Fem Reader

Words: 2100+

Summary: Wanda has loved you since you trained her when she joined the avengers. However she’s too afraid to confess all because she’s sure you’re dating the Diner guy.

I used a divider a few times, they’re by: @writeyourmindaway 💗

Warnings: TW:Dissociation, TW: Anxiety Implications, explicit (?) detailing, conspiracy thoughts (just to add flavor 🤷🏻‍♀️).

Taglist: @softpeachbarnes @thejournalman

There was so much that I could say about her. So much good, so much praise, so many compliments that'd sound like Shakespeare had possessed my body to write an entire play solely about how her eyes stared into my soul with just a simple fleeting glance she'd give as we passed each other in the hall. There was so much I could say about her to show someone how much I love her and what I love about her, but that would take too long— even though I knew I could talk about her until my lungs failed to take in air and my heart failed to beat.

What I would utter out was that her attitude was what got me up in the morning, other than the fact she always made breakfast for everyone even though she didn't have to— and her cooking is absolutely blissful if I'm honest. However her coffee is downright dreadful. She liked her coffee way too strong for me or anyone other than Tony and Bruce, who refused to drink theirs any other way now. I didn't see how she could drink it, especially not black with just ONE spoon of honey.

There were those days where sometimes she didn't want to cook and everyone would sometimes go to the nearby diner, and today was one of those days. She had dressed down pretty casual and comfy, but oh— she looked otherworldly in her comfort clothes, dressed to no ones expectations as she held her favorite teddy bear

Sam drove while everyone else talked, but her? She sat playing with a few small paper airplanes, making them fly with psychokinesis. Making one fly out of her course, she stops them all and looks to me. She smiles and one of them unfolds suddenly, refolding quickly. Smiling at the blossom flower, my eyes widen when I moved over and rested in my lap. She smiles to me once more and focuses on her airplanes again, leaving me a storm of emotions.

The time passes like it's racing as we all ordered, waited, receivers, and ate. Some of us were still eating, some were just talking and relaxing. It was peaceful and the diner was never busy enough to draw a crowd to us, thankfully.

"How you gonna be like 'she gotta blonde, she gotta be thick, she gotta be tan'?" She asks, standing up to a guy sitting near us as he dissed his own girlfriend.

"You ain't got the right to be picky. All you packing is a tic-tac.. what you gonna do breath mint?" She asks and he flusters.

"What you gon' do Listerine?" She asks, giving him a look full of utter sass and confidence.

Smiling as the guy flustered and began ignoring her, I nodded and gave her a thumbs up as she turned back around. She smiles to me and laughs a bit.

"Yo! You're here today!" I hear and she turns.

"Mattie! What's up?" She smiles, standing and giving the guy a hug.

Him.

The one I wish I was. The guy who gets to call her baby girl, the guy who gets to stay up and talk on the phone with her for hours, the guy who gets to hear her sleepy voice say those three words I so desperately want to hear and say back.

I love you.

Wanda had left my origami flower in the diner, right on the table with her plate. Did she not like it? Was it the wrong color? I purposefully kept my airplanes folded neatly in the colors black and red, the colors I knew she liked. Was I overthinking all the subtle things? Was I imagining them? It was possible, maybe I'm reading too far into things.

I walked silently across the street from the cemetery, a hat placed on my head and tipped low as I faced the ground. My fingers played with the fidget in my hand, the puzzle fidget I had solved too many times to count now. I was long overdue for a new one, there was no combination of moves someone could do to mess up the colors on my rainbow ball fidget toy to make sure I couldn't return each colored ball to its respective hole too quickly. Wind whipped around me and chilled my skin, my thin jacket doing nothing to keep me warm.

The pigeons, I swear, are staring at me as I walk. Following me, I know it, as I took turns and they stayed right nearby with me from the start of my journey. I was a long way from the compound, that I knew for sure. I'm convinced one day they'll begin recognizing individuals, or that maybe they're not even real— robots maybe. Do we ever see them sleep? Do the power lines charge them when they rest upon them? Do they video people and record conversations? Is this how the government truly finds wanted people?

A bus loops around and around, passing through the old streets. The neighborhoods of old tenement houses, public schools, coffee shops, and candy stores. Sidewalks lined with cart shops, their goods ranging from street food to newspapers and tourist spots. I haven't seen the bus stop once as it's passed by one time after another, yet there are always less and less people aboard it with each pass. Has it even stopped? Why come down this road so many times? Is it forever stuck in this route? Is it in limbo— wait, can objects be stuck in limbo?

dO UnITs hAVe a SoUL??

I pass a hot dog stand, the grilled hot dogs looked oddly like fingers to my eyes and I suppress a gag. Do they bleed when you bite into them? Is the juice metallic tasting? Is the texture— Let's stop there, yeah let's stop there.

I head to subway station to realize I had been in the Brooklyn-Queens area, my numb fingers aching as I swiped my subway card. I stand as far from people as I could, the suffocating feeling of the subway closing in. The scent of the train car was musty and pungent, like old sneakers in a gym locker and rotten food found in the home of a hoarder who'd dropped their food and never found it to pick up and throw away. My fingers pause in the motion of scrambling my fidget as I realize the conductor was making an announcement, I caught on too late. Asking the man nearby if he'd heard the announcement, I shuddered when he gave me a simple rat-like smile and said nothing with a shrug.

I guess I'll never know.

I feel as though someone is watching me and Natasha's words play through my head. 'If you feel like someone's watching you, it's because someone is.' Do I look for them? Do I make eye contact and sass them? No, don't. Really don't, never trust a man or even a women on the train this late at night— I have no clue why they're up, or why I'm up even. I had woke with a feeling of dread and left without a single thought about it, the compound had felt too stuffy and small— despite its size.

The compound was... a mystery to me. It was large and spacious yet at times it felt like it closed in on me, suffocating like a 5x5 room. It made me feel like SCP 096 in his airtight steel cube room, watched yet not seen.

I step off the train at a random stop, heading out back into the chilly night air to continue an aimless walk through a concrete jungle shaped like a maze of looming buildings that wait— wait for the perfect moment to swallow me whole like a fly in the air, gone like I had never even buzzed in someone's ear.

Walking off the sidewalk and into a parking lot, I glance around. The parking lot may seem empty but I don't trust it, there are cars here— I know there are. They just don't want me to see them yet. They like to hide, spook me when I'm not paying attention once more. The building seems to expend as I enter with my membership card in hand, I'm sure I'll never understand how everything fits inside this place— just like I'll never understand where all the shoppers in here come from, even so late.

Are they even people?

I don't know how long I've been in here before I begin to become hungry, taking notice of the samples being handed out. Don't trust it, never trust it— you don't know if that person is sick or has done something to the food. Buy something and make it yourself, or buy a packaged snack— some fruit even. I cannot find check out, and the lady I had passed only gave me an eerie smile when I asked how to get to check out.

What is up with people and not knowing the answers to questions tonight?

I sit motionless, vaguely aware i was on the floor in the kitchen. I was also vaguely aware it was some time past 4am, when I returned from my late name wander. However something is wrong, something is staring. I do not know what nor do I think I want to know, yeah... I don’t want to know— I never will want to know.

It feels as if I’m staring at the back of my own head, watching as blurs vibrate and buzz off me and disappear into the air. I was staring, but staring where? At what? What color is it? What shape does it take? Is it smooth or textured? Is it decorative or a utensil?

I want to reach and touch myself, reassure myself that I am, in fact, here— that I am tangible and existing. So I reach up to touch my forehead, but everything blues— freezes. It was like something had stopped me from proving I was tangible, but I didn’t know what stopped me. I can’t figure it out, I’m sure at this point I don’t want to figure it out.

Do not touch my own face, that is asking for trouble. Something has warned me not to do it, and blindly I will take the unseen things advice.

My mind feels cloudy? No, it feels foggy. Not quite... It feels as if someone has steamed it, the moisture leaking out my eyes— I am crying with a dull expression as I sit on the kitchen floor, barely aware I even exist. This skin isn’t even my own, who’s is it? Did I steal it? Did I win it? Did we swap? How do I give it back? It is uncomfortable and suffocating, irritating like a sunburn.

Who am I? Am I a spectator? Am I a player? Am I winning? What am I playing? What am I spectating? Are others here? Is this a competition? Where are the controls?

I’d like to take the controls now.

It was a very faint and ghostly feeling of a hand touching mine that made me obscurely aware my hand had never dropped from moving to touch my own face. How long ago was that? The world was a blur, scratchy and set in black and white like a very old VHS tape. I didn’t know how long it was of those ghostly hands rubbing my upper arms and occasionally wiping my face and eyes, but the feeling of those motions became more prominent— heavier and more tangible.

Eventually, my world came into color and the first thing I could see was red. Brown hair that was lazily held in a messy ponytail, skin adorned with a pair of red pajamas, green eyes that seemed so soft and worried as they met mine.

“You’re with me, miere?” She asks softly and I touch her hand that was cupping my cheek.

She is real.

She’s here, tangible, existing.

So I am real, tangling, existing— because she is talking to ME.

“Miere?”

“Please don’t leave me alone...”

“I am not going to leave, Miere. I am right here, don’t worry.. I am always right here.”

“I love you..”

“Miere?”

Meeting her green eyes, they seemed so bright but so cautious. Why? Squeezing her hand that had been holding mine, the corners of my lips tugged up a bit.

“I love you Wanda..”

“I... I love you too, Miere. I, I thought you were dating... Mattie?”

“Mattie..?” I mumble, confused.

Who is Mattie? Do I know a Mattie? Surely I do, she wouldn’t have mentioned a Mattie if I didn’t and— Oh, the diner Mattie.

“No, I’m not dating Mattie.. He was my friend from school.” I admit, his face now fresh in my head.

“Besides, I don’t like guys.”

“Are you... are you gay?”

“Of course I’m gay.”

#marvel #wanda maximoff x fem reader #wanda x fem reader #female reader insert #reader insert #avengers #wanda maximoff #wanda maximoff one shot #tw: dissociation #tw: anxiety implications #Wanda Maximoff Fluff

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

08 - Confession

This chapter's songs:

Off and On; SALES

Heaven; Clairo

A Pearl; Mitski

- Y.L. Perspective

   "Hey."

   The word is distant yet close, making me gasp awake. When my eyes open, I'm in sight of the foggy wet window causing pitter-patter in front of me. 'It rained.' I thought, looking out to the concrete that was soaked. Not that it bothered me; rain was one of the many things that I enjoyed.

  Coming back to reality, I notice that the scenery outside is too familiar, and not long after do I realize we're parked right outside of my house, waiting for me to awake. At first, I'm completely tripped out that I had teleported from the skate park to here, but it was just a generous favor from Sugawara.

  And suddenly, everything from last night comes to mind.

  After Suga had kissed first me, we'd spent more than enough time on each other's faces. But the last thing I remember is sopping down on my seat and falling asleep, worn out, instead of coming up with an excuse of why I made the stupid decision of making out with him. There was not one thing fair about me knocked out in his passenger seat while he reflected on my behalf as well.

But thankfully it appeared Koushi didn't care all that much. Getting me home was one of his priorities this morning.

  "What time is it?" I yawn, stretching out my limbs as far as they can go, but that's only to where the seat's leg space ends.

   "It's ten AM. But it's a Saturday, so you should probably get some rest today. You went to sleep pretty late last night, and you didn't look very comfortable." He describes, leaning on the door window, staring at the pouring rain. It enlightened me that Suga cares about my rest, but what about him? From what I understand, he stayed up just as long as I did. If not, longer.

  So, I decided I should offer something that I was hoping wouldn't make him uncomfortable or jump to conclusions. "Uhm...if you're tired then you can come in too, and we can just stay here for the day until you wanna go home, " I tell him, mirroring his action, and resting both my head and arm on the window.

  The invitation seemed to surprise him, for he had quickly whirled his head towards me, asking, "Wait, are you sure? Y-your mom won't be mad that I'm over? Cause– you know..." he trails off, anxiously pressing his palms together, and looking downwards. It came off that he felt almost ashamed that we shared an intimate moment, which wasn't something that he should be responsible for. But even so, I still wanted to spend more time with him. If I'm being completely honest, I wasn't sure if it was because I liked him, or because he was such a refreshing person to be around, but he made me feel better than I had felt in a long time.

   "Suga, I'm sure. Look, if you don't wanna hang out that's fine. I was just asking because you seemed tired and said you don't wanna be home right now." My eyes snake from his chest to his eyes, hoping it would give him an understanding that I really wanted him to come inside. "So, do you wanna?"

  Sugawara gulps in nervousness, clearing his throat before speaking. "Uh, yeah. Sure. But we better hurry up, or we'll get soaked."

- K. S. Perspective

   I wait behind her light brown painted door, running my hands through my damp hair. Small noises of clatter are heard, while I uncomfortably stand outside of her room, waiting for her to open up. To be honest, I wasn't sure about being casually invited into her house after last night. All that ran through my head was, 'did she even like it? Does she feel uncomfortable? What if she wants to go further?

Should I confess right now?'

Finally, her door pops open, revealing her in a change of comfortable clothing and the room behind her. "Uhm, come in," she says, pulling the door wider for me to come in. The room consisted of regular decorations I thought she'd have: anime and music artist posters, a random guitar, a few color-changing lights, and a bean bag chair. "I know it's weird and all. I guess I just haven't gotten the chance to redo my room."

"No, it's—it's fun," I tell her, sticking my hands in my pants pocket. I had to say, it'd been quite a while since I'd been in a girl's room so casually. Not that I was jumping to conclusions, but I was hoping she'd want to discuss things over what had happened. That way I could make it clear to her that I wasn't playing around with her feelings.

  She shuffled towards her messy bed, turning towards me, before falling backward onto it. Her loud yawn and stretch echo throughout the room, as well as the low music that she had playing on a home speaker on her dresser. As much as I wanted to feel relaxed, I hardly could. I felt almost scared to stand in her room alone right after we had made out. All I could think of was running my hand against her skin, and rubbing my lips against her hot neck. Now she was casually laying on her bed, looking back at me with absolutely no expression.

  "Come, come, " she says, holding out a hand towards me, which makes my anxiety advance to an entirely new level. But following her orders, I hesitantly take it, quickly being pulled to where she laid. The sudden action has me wide-eyed and rested on my side, facing only Y/n. Though I tried hiding my uneasiness, she eventually broke my cover with a simple sentence. "I feel so tired. Don't you?"

I nod, before gulping almost too loudly. However, Y/n keeps her gaze on me, gradually making her eye rests longer. Feeling the dirtiest in the room, I begin to distance myself from her stature, removing the dark paid cover-up that spread over my shoulders, as well as a few accessories I had and tossed them on a small desk at the side of her bed. Then, I took out my phone, deciding it was best to talk to Daichi about everything; I was hoping my friends weren't angry I had ditched them so suddenly.

—

Daichi

How was the party?

Weren't you there?

I left earlier than expected

Around what time?

12:00 AM

That's not that early

Anyways, it was fine I guess

Everyone was being stupid and drunk

I know, good thing I didn't stay so long

Miya said you left with Y/n-?

Yeah, but I just took her out cause she wasn't having a good time

Well, I just took her to some park where we spent the night in my car and I drove her home today

Now we're just napping in her room

I thought you said you wanted to see how things went with her :(

Don't worry we didn't do anything

At least not something extreme

What'd you do??

Uh

We just kind of made out for a few minutes

But it wasn't bad or anything

It was nice

Pls don't tell anybody because I'm not sure how to tell her yet

That you're in love with her?? Ahh ok-.-

I'm not in love with her,

Koushi, you told me you've never wanted to want to make somebody feel loved the way you did Y/n.

Well

Uh

Whatever

Are you coming to the practice game today?

Oh yeah

What time

In like thirty minutes

Are you serious

But I needed to talk to y/n

I was gonna wait till she woke up

Sorry man

Just leave her a note you'll be back?

Yeah, ok

----

As Daichi had told me to, I decided to find the nearest paper and pen that sat lazily on Y/n's desk. But instead of tossing a few words to excise my absence, I thought of doing something very stupid and risky.

I left a love letter.

At first, I felt as if I was being nothing but a coward for not telling her personally. What would she think if I had just run off and left a confession for her to run through my herself? But after realizing that I could let her think things through, I thought it was the best idea I had that entire year.

And so, I wrote my feelings down quicker than ever imagined, fitting in what I could to convince Y/n of my love for her.

To y/n,

This is one of the most idiotic things I could have done to tell you, but I have a practice game and I can't afford to miss practice right now. As you know, I'm on the edge of having my position taken.

Y/n, after about a week of knowing you I realized that you make me feel like a better person. When I hear your voice or get the benefit of making you smile, it feels like I'm on a high off of you. You're the most beautiful, talented girl have ever met in my life. Without you, I don't think I could have lasted this first week.

I remember the feeling you gave me when we were younger. Even if you didn't talk to me, or didn't acknowledge my existence very much, I still wanted to discover every corner of you. I thought I wouldn't have ever met someone that I was so passionate about like I was for you. And when our first year of high school ended, I felt heartbroken by the fact that I didn't get to tell you how I felt about you. How your essence made my heart warm, how your skin makes me crave touching you, how much space you filled up in my small brain.

When I had seen you on the bus that one morning, I couldn't believe how much you've grown. I know this is personal for you, but you were in a bad state, and it caused me pain to see that you felt alone, and you didn't know how much I cared for you. So when I saw how much you were taking care of yourself, it brought me to hope that I could do the same. If you didn't already know, after my mom had died, I started creating bad habits and ruined my self-portrait. I felt like there was no way out, and that I was useless. But then I met you, again. You brought me to become a better person for myself, Y/n.

I don't want to rush you into anything, but I feel like I should confess to you that I'm in love with you. I've never had the feelings I have for you. Every day I find myself thinking of how lovely you are. And after what had happened last night, I realized, why wait? Why wait to tell you this the way I did in my first year? If I did, then I'm gonna run out of time. I want you more than I've ever wanted anything, Y/n. I think I'm scared that you won't look at me the same, or that you think I'm a burden to you. But at this point, I think I've run out of space to store what I feel for you.

Overall, I love you, Y/n. Please, do me the honor of being with me.

Love, Koushi.

—

I'M SO SORRY FOR SUCH A SHORT CHAPTER YOU GUYS<\3. But I hope you appreciate it. Please comment and note bc it really helps

As always, I love you guys

- estrxlar

[champhangman]

All the While

Characters:  Elias Samson x OFC

A/S/F: Fluff? With a hint at smut at the end

Request: #98/108/166 with Elias Samson (from this prompt list) – by @sethslayer

Warnings: None

Word Count: 2,309

Tagging:  @llowkeys | @the-geekgoddes | @horcruxhunter5972 | @zombiexbody | @imtoldimbabe | @vebner37 | @nickysmum1909 | @taryndibiase | @justtrey19 | @alexahood21 | @lunaticqueen7 | @thephenomenonalkingofthebrogues | @styl3sl0v3r | @kingslayers-angel | @womderland-fandom | @blondekel77 | @florenceivy | @skrillexslays13 | @deanammbrose | @hardcorewwetrash | @athoughtfulmindwrites

I had caught some of his work, but had never met him. Our paths didn't cross while he was there, as I was transitioning to the main roster when he made his debut on NXT. Once he moved up, he was sent to Raw, while I had been sent to SmackDown. Again, our paths didn't cross.

Then they did the "shakeup" that was really just a mini draft without all the hullabaloo and we were, suddenly, on the same roster.

Elias Samson. The Drifter.

I was introduced to him by Finn Bálor. And while I didn't expect a sunny, heartwarming conversation, I was more than a little disappointed by our exchange.

"Samson, this is Celeste. Celeste, Elias Samson."

"Pleased to meet you," I said, extending my hand.

Elias looked from my face to my hand and back again. He gave what I supposed passed for a nod, then turned and headed away.

"Talkative," I said to Finn, rolling my eyes.

"He takes a while to warm up to new people."

Oh well. Somewhat handsome or not, I wasn't going to lose any sleep over the fact that Elias Samson couldn't warm up enough to say hello to me. And yet, inexplicably, I was drawn to him. There was a big aura of leave me alone that practically oozed from him, and whenever I saw him backstage, I couldn't help but sit or stand near him.

He never said a word to me. If we were in Catering and I took the seat next to or across from him, he just looked at me blankly and resumed eating. I, being a chatterer, talked endlessly about storylines and moves and matches. I talked about the new group down at NXT. I talked about the trainers at the Performance Center. Each time I talked to him, he would inevitably leave while I was mid-sentence. But the next time, I picked up right where I'd left off.

I had no clue why I was doing it. So far he had given me nothing to like about him. Aside from his warm brown eyes and his occasional smile. And his nice build. And his hair. But his smiles? They were probably the best part. Sometimes during my ramblings I'd catch him looking at me, and his lips would quirk. As though he wasn't used to smiling. The smiles disappeared as soon as they showed, but they were there.

I knew I should probably leave him alone. It was what he wanted. But, he hadn't said to leave him alone. So I kept it up. When I ran out of wrestling topics to discuss – discuss being a loose term – I started telling him about myself. How I came from a broken home but wasn't scarred because of it. How when I was eighteen my mom gave birth to twin boys, and how a lot of people confused my brothers for my sons. How I had gotten into wrestling. How I had gotten the scar on my cheek. How scared I was to move to Florida and be on my own for the first time in my life. I told him about my favorite movies, my favorite music, my favorite books.

And still, nothing. Once, he nodded while I went on about music, but that was the extent of his contribution.

After three months, my topics were starting to wane. I despised talking about religion and politics. I didn't keep up with celebrity news – I couldn't tell one Kardashian sister from another. I had no pets. I had one pitiful houseplant that I managed to keep alive, but how long could I talk about a philodendron?

We were on a live event circuit when he finally spoke to me. I had just learned that someone had smashed the windows of my rental, which I'd stupidly parked on the street, and was wondering just how in the hell I was going to get to the next city. I rode alone. Not really out of choice. Everyone else had travel buddies. Finn rode with Gallows and Anderson, Alexa with Nia and Corey Graves, Bayley with Sasha and her husband. I was talking with Hunter and the head of security and one of the local cops who'd responded when I felt someone walk up behind me.

I didn't have to turn around to know who it was. I didn't know how I knew who it was, but I did.

Elias.

As usual, he didn't speak. He simply stood behind me. I could tell his arms were folded. Hunter didn't send him away, and I didn't mind his presence. It was, oddly, comforting.

When I had finished giving my information to the policeman and the three men had headed off, I turned to face Elias.

Arms still folded over his chest, he looked at me. Silent as ever. One eyebrow lifted. I noticed he was in his street clothes. At least, I assumed they were his street clothes. Other than the lack of scarf, there was nothing to indicate that he wasn't in his ring gear.

"My rental got smashed," I told him unnecessarily. He lifted his head in a nod. "I parked out on the street, you know? Because the ramp going to the underground parking deck was jammed and it was hot and I just wanted to park and get inside. Whoever did it didn't get anything of mine, but they did bust up the stereo."

Again that nod.

I was struck with sudden brilliance. I knew he rode alone. I'd seen him getting into a car and driving off by himself countless times. "Do you mind if I hitch a ride with you to Phoenix? I don't take up much room. And I'll probably sleep all the way there. So I won't bother you."

I was pretty sure he snorted at that last bit, but I surged on.

"I mean, everyone else's cars are already full. And I don't want to go through the rigmarole of getting another rental just for one night. You won't have to drive me to the arena tomorrow, I can get an Über…" I let my voice fade, looking at him hopefully.

He just stared at me. Then, when I expected him to turn and walk away, he sighed. And nodded gently.

I could have kissed him. I didn't, of course, but I could have. Telling him I'd be ready to go soon, I rushed off to the locker room to change out of my gear and get my things before he could change his mind. When I came out of the locker room a few minutes later, it was to find him leaning against the wall. Arms folded across his chest. Waiting.

Waiting for me. I smiled.

Silence reigned as we loaded our bags into his rental. And while we climbed in and got situated. I timidly requested he stop at a convenience store so I could get a drink, and was surprised when not only did he stop, but he went in with me and paid for my drink and bag of chips.

Once we were on the interstate, I ate my chips quietly. Rock music was playing on the stereo, but at a low volume. I finished my chips, downed half my drink, and settled back, wanting to keep my promise of sleeping all the way to Phoenix. But of course, I couldn't go to sleep. I shifted. I laid my seat back. I folded up my jacket to use as a pillow. And still sleep wouldn't come.

"Why don't you ever talk?" I blurted, sitting up.

He looked over at me in surprise, like he'd forgotten I was in the car with him. His brow furrowed. He dragged a hand over his face and resumed looking at the road.

"I have heard you talk. I've heard you sing, even. But only for the crowd. Do you talk to anyone backstage? One of my brothers has selective mutism, is—"

"Not sure if you could tell, but I’m not exactly a people person," Elias stated.

Holy shit. He actually spoke. To me. I was flattered. Shifting around so I could somewhat face him, I smiled. "Was that so hard?"

He groaned. "Yes."

I knew I shouldn't press my luck, but I wanted him to keep talking. I liked the sound of his voice. I liked watching his lips move to form words. And I really liked how his tongue darted over his lips after speaking. "Why?"

"I like to keep to myself."

"Yeah, no kidding," I muttered.

"And you've kind of talked enough for both of us since we met," he added.

He was smiling. It was such an adorable smile, I thought. He really should smile more often. "Does my talking so much bother you?"

"…No," he murmured with a sigh. "I've… Enjoyed learning about you."

"You've got a hell of a way of showing it."

"How are Jack and Joe?" he asked softly after a moment.

He remembered my brothers' names. Awed, I felt my smile grow. "They're fine. Their birthday is a couple days before Battleground and I'm flying them to Philly for that weekend. My mom, too."

Elias kept asking gentle questions about my life. My family. He even asked about my philodendron. I was floored that he had listened to my ramblings, even more so by the fact that he'd remembered names. He even, to my utter shock, offered up some information about himself.

We talked about music. Books. Movies. Life on the road. The struggles of moving to Florida.

By the time we reached Phoenix, I felt as though we were actually becoming friends.

We checked into the hotel, and he resumed his usual silence once on the elevator. He stepped off on his floor, then turned, blocking the door with one foot.

"Would you…" He cleared his throat. "Want to come to my room for a chat, or…whatever?"

A chat. I blinked up at him. His expression was serious. But there was a light in his eyes… Without thinking, I blurted, "Are you hitting on me?"

He smiled. A real smile. Not the little quirk I was so used to. "I'm probably messing it up, but I'm trying to…"

I went to his room.

We did chat. Sitting on his bed, the TV on but muted, we chatted about the tour schedule and days off. Somehow in the middle of all that we made plans to go out. Together. On an actual date, which would include more chatting.

I didn't want to leave. I had fallen in love with the sound of his voice. And I never wanted him to stop. We had gone from sitting to lying next to each other, on our sides, and it all felt so natural that I didn't question it.

"Celeste," he murmured once the laughter over his proposed lyrics for his next promo faded.

"Elias," I returned. It was beyond late. I had no clue what time it was. My phone was in my purse, over by the door, and his body blocked the clock on the nightstand. Funny, I thought, how his body seemed to be getting bigger.

He was moving closer, I realized, breath catching in my throat. His hand rested over mine, swept up my arm. The soft touch raised goosebumps. Fingers lightly nudged my chin and I tilted my head up, managing a nod when I saw the question in his eyes.

His kiss was gentle. Searching. His lips were like velvet, his fingers like silk as they began to caress my cheek. I parted my lips at the first jolting touch of his tongue. Moaning at the taste of spearmint and coffee, I allowed myself to touch him. As soon as my hands cupped his neck, I didn't want to let go.

We rolled, legs tangling, tongues dancing. His body was a blanket of warmth. A lock of hair fell from behind his ear, tickling my jaw. I held on, basking in the heat of his kiss and the solid weight of him over me. A hand roamed my body, stroking my side, my thigh, my throat. It slipped beneath my shirt, lighting a fire in my skin, and he broke the kiss as his palm closed around my bare breast.

He sat up and I stared up at him in complete awe. It was hard to breathe. Hell, it was hard to even think anything more than… Fuck. There was so much I wanted to say, but the only thing I could do was gasp and pray he would relieve the ache his kiss had created.

"Okay… This is new." He smiled, dipping his head to kiss me again. It was brief but scorching. "Now you're the one not talking."

I managed a shrug. He expected me to talk? Biting my lip, I smoothed one hand down his chest. My fingers curled in the hem of his shirt and began to lift it. I searched his eyes.

"You want this, Celeste?" he asked. I nodded, moaning as he squeezed my breast. He pulled his hand away, reaching to help me remove his shirt. I let go of the shirt as soon as his abdomen was revealed and boosted myself upright so I could yank my own shirt off. His lips crashed against mine once we were both topless, and when I lay back down the warmth of his body seemed to have doubled. "Answer me," he whispered, hands pausing at my waist. The very tips of his fingers brushed the waistband of my jeans. "Do you want this?"

"I do," I whispered. Drawing in a breath, I trailed my hands down to the button of his jeans. "I've wanted this since I first saw you."

"Could've said so," he muttered, and when he kissed me I felt his smile.

#Elias Samson #Elias Samson imagine #Elias Samson fanfiction #wwe #wwe imagine #wwe fanfiction #is it bad that all this time i thought his last name was samPson???

[dangerous-ladies]

lately i've found myself actively disliking wearing cosplay. i still enjoy making costumes and talking shop with other cosplayers, but the joy i used to feel while wearing what i've made has died a lot. have you ladies ever gone through this? is there a way to get that feeling back?

Absolutely. This was me to a T for a solid two or so years, from Madoka all the way to Fire Emblem just last year, which was weird considering I used to jump at literally any excuse to get in costume. Getting out of it is really about getting to the bottom of why you started to feel that way, though, and what your priorities are. For me, it was three things –– being so tired of a project that by time I finished it I loathed the idea of putting it on, starting to feel my age in costumes designed for characters in their early teens, and feeling tired of conventions in general. Here’s how I got it back: 

I decided to stop taking on projects I wasn’t really passionate about. After Overwatch and Inuyasha (which we committed to last year) we have no plans for big groups where everyone picks a character regardless of interest level. Since I do the bulk of the planning and sewing for our groups, I felt I had to lessen the load on myself in order to enjoy making costumes for myself again, so going forward we’re going to be structuring groups a little differently. A big part of this is not investing hundreds of hours into costumes I don’t care for, as it takes time away from the things I actually do want to make AND wear. I feel like there’s a huge pressure in the community to constantly have new finished costumes and that’s way too stressful and takes away my enjoyment of the craft when everything is about rapid turnover.

I confronted the fact that I am not a teenager anymore. I’m not youthful person and I have never looked young for my age, so it stands to reason that I didn’t feel convincing dressed as a fourteen year old. I took the “anyone can cosplay anything” philosophy too far and pushed myself out of my comfort zone when I really didn’t need to, and it had the adverse effect of making me feel like Sakaki in the swamp instead of feeling cute. As a result, I don’t do schoolgirls and idols and magical girls so much anymore. Now, I’m working on embracing cosplaying older or more mature-looking characters that I used to really want to do when I was younger. The new motto, spiritually jacked from Ratatouille: anyone can cosplay anything, but it doesn’t mean everyone will feel great in anything.

As for conventions: this took some finagling. One, it took starting to go to conventions outside of our usual haunts. After 10+ years, Anime North and FanExpo feel tired. Absolutely EXHAUSTING. It’s the same thing every year, and the conventions have stagnated so much that I feel like just about everyone goes out of habit rather than any real excitement or joy for it. I mean, if we’re going exclusively for a reason to dress up, why not go shooting for a weekend with friends or something? So we branched out and started going to American cons. It’s been phenomenal, honestly, and going to cons outside our area has made me relish conventions like new again. Going to Katsucon was the most fun I’ve had at a convention since my very first one, honestly! And a part of that is part two: meeting new people. I’ve been a hermit for yeaaaaars in the cosplay community, seldom venturing outside this tumblr and whatnot, but this past year I’ve started making a lot of close friends through social media and it really hypes me up to wear costumes and go to conventions again, as I’m sharing it with new friends whose vibrancy, passion and excitement is infectious. (Shout out here to Krista, Christen, Max, Bono, Tori, Mia, Tracey and the many others too numerous to name but all equally loved who have given me reason to love this hobby again in the past year!)

Anyway: I care again. I haven’t felt so excited for my upcoming costumes (Mercy, Luna and InuYasha!) in a decade.

- Jenn

If it’s a costume I don’t feel very good enough, yeah, I’ll be meh about it, but I try to find costumes I’m super passionate about because it makes all the difference! Like, I felt OK in Sailor Mars, but she wasn’t my favourite scout, so it was natural to not feel as passionate about it. But I feel amazing in Sumia because I feel I can portray her very well, so I find something I’ll feel so good in, and I had a hand in. I like projects that are my niche and that I’ll look so good in!

For me it was also the reverse for a long time –– I didn’t like making them because I was scared of learning to sew but I liked to wear them. Now that I’m learning to sew I’m a lot more excited because I feel that much more connected to it.

- Emmy

If you enjoy making costumes but just don’t want to wear them, you can take a break. Make costumes for other people for a while, or work on real clothes or something different from what you’re burned out on. That’s what I did when I felt it; I said whatever, I’ll just sew other stuff. The best thing you can do is try something else for a while until you find a project that motivates you again.

- Christine

The ladies have pretty much said everything that could be said perfectly, but here are some of my experiences. I’ve had a very brief stint with cosplay compared to others, but the ups and downs have not eluded me. While I had always wanted to cosplay, I guess I never wanted to do it alone. I was always timid to go to cons by myself and never felt strong enough to venture into making costumes on my own. Meeting my friend Erin changed that completely because I met somebody who wanted to be a part of it with me. Suddenly it was this wave of going hard on making things I never thought I would make even though I can look back on it now and see how terribly I made things hahaha. I started with my Cass Cain Batgirl and Chell from Portal. Two crazy starts for me personally as I had never sewed, worked with acrylic, vinyl, fibreglass and bondo. Making them felt invigorating! However, over time, my living and financial situations didn’t really allow for me to have creative space (4-6 adults in an apartment, yikes!). I also went hard into my work so my passions kind of fell to the wayside. Erin moved away to a different continent for a couple of years, but she’s back now woo! I didn’t have many other friends I felt close enough to and as Jenn previously said, Fan Expo and Anime North don’t inspire much creativity or a fresh, exciting environment so even if I went with other friends, it was just going through the motions. I wasn’t inspired to attempt to learn more. I didn’t feel like any characters really connected with me and the ones that did, like Shepard from Mass Effect, I was too scared to attempt alone. Little by little, I fell out of it. I didn’t want solo projects, I wanted to be a part of something.

Joining the Dangerous Ladies has completely rejuvinated my love for it. The first group project I joined was for Sailor Moon, how could I not be excited to do one of my first loves? Lucina has given me life, I could do version after version of her and wear her for years, I absolutely adore her. The thought of being Ana from Overwatch and doing an Inuyasha cosplay (Sango) excites me to no end. I’m more brave and have more opportunities and motivation to learn more. I’ve already learned so much in the few years being with them and WANT to learn more! The passion is back. My love for gaming and anime feels alive again in a way I can visually express it. The new cons we’ve ventured to have been phenomenal and the people we have met have been such an inspiration and so much damn fun to be around. Finding the right people to be around, work, and travel with has been so important for me to find my love for cosplay again and I am so happy that I found it.

All this rambling comes to this: Find out what the source of your distaste for it is. What drove you to love cosplaying in the first place? Find that drive and source of inspiration and love. Search for new ventures that will motivate you to try out new things! All the best!

- Shazz

[acidlashes]

Draco x Reader

Chapter Two

Dragon Heart

It would seem that leaving home would be a hard choice for a child coming of age. A home would be a place of comfort, of familiarity, a place where you belong, but Winnie didn't feel those things. She didn't feel like she belongs in those dark wooden walls. She didn't feel familiar with her parents, and she never felt comfortable with herself. So, leaving had almost felt like turning a page in a not so eventful book.

Her father offered her no more parting words than his demand she place in their families house. Slytherin. Years ago he had given her all the books that could tell you anything you wanted to know about Slytherin. So, how is it possible for her to be so unprepared? Shouldn't she feel like a Slytherin already? She had practiced begging cunning, but she was promptly punished for stepping out of line. She could have tried other things, things that define a Slytherin, but most of those things didn't seem to resemble her.

In fact, in her books it had send many infamous people were from Slytherin. One of those being the very own Voldemort. A name Winnie was never forbidden from saying like the rest of the world had been. That had actually been the only thing her parents had seemed pleased with her doing. She would often go out if her way to mention the mans name, only because it was the only time she had seen her parents expressions often. Even if it had only been momentarily.

But, Winnie wasn't like Voldemort. At least, she didn't think she was. Truthfully she believed it was entirely possible for her to be anything. She hadn't really ever gotten to know herself enough to know what she was. Certainly she didn't believe herself to be a dark lord, or even necessarily a bad person, but it seemed as though that was a requirement to become a Slytherin.

Her bright blue eyes gazed up ahead to the long blonde haired man that lead her out her front door. She was uneasy about his presence. It was hard to read his character. He had looked like a villain in a book. That's the only thing she knew what to compare him too. His pointed chin and nose and viscous smile that seemed to devour all other thought she had when he aimed it at her. That's when an idea grew in her.

"Sir." She said meekly. The man did not turn to face her when he spoke.

"Yes?" He asked curious at her sudden ability to speak to him. It seemed as though he had robbed her of that very ability when she failed to answer him. He had made her very nervous. The man finally tuned to face her with a raised brow, waiting for her to continue "Yes?" He repeated a little less curious.

"A-are you a Slytherin?" She asked with her toes facing each other and head towards the ground. He let out a small laugh.

"I was." He answered simply. Winnie nodded in response. "Why did you ask?"

"I just-" she began before stopping herself. Unsure if the right thing to say.

"Do you wonder how you'll become a Slytherin?" He wondered. Once again she only offered a nod. "Well, keep acting like this and you'll never be one." He then turned his heel and began walking away from the house once again. Winnie hastily walked forward to keep

up.

"A-acting like what?" She asked as they walked. Lucius turned and offered her a small smile.

"Like a wimp." He says. Winnie widened her eyes.

"A wimp?" She asked.

"A wimp." He repeats. "You're getting older now. You're going to be at Hogwarts alone. You're parents won't be there to shelter you any longer. Those kids will eat you alive if you act like that."

"How do I act like a Slytherin?" She asks hoping for a clear answer. Once their feet hit the concrete of the driveway Lucius extends his cain and halts her from walking any further.

"Slytherin, Slytherin, Slytherin." He speaks in a mocking tone "do you know any other words besides Slytherin?"

"Facetious." Winnie says. Lucius looks at her confused.

"Facetious?"

"It's another word I know." She explains "I just learned it."

"Facetious." Lucius laughs "you're quite funny."

"I am?" Winnie asks, almost sounding eager at the compliment. Though she hadn't said it to be funny.

"Not really." Lucius takes it back. With that he stomps his cain and teleports then to another location.

Winnie looks around with wide eyes as tried to take in the new surroundings. It was a small dusty crowded shop. It's lights were dimmed and it appeared to be a place Lucius Malfoy would not frequent.

"What are we doing here?" She asks confused.

"Come." Lucius commands as he leads her out the door. As soon as she stepped outside she was bombarded with people running in either direction. No one bothered to say 'excuse me' or 'pardon me' or even attempt to move out of each other's way. One man had slammed into Winnie so hard she was knocked into the wall behind her. Lucius grabbed her hand and lead her through the tough crowd of people.

"Quite rude aren't they?" He notes as he drags her along. Winnie nods her head in response, but noticed he isn't looking at her, therefore wouldn't know she was responding at all.

"Yes." She says out-loud, not wanting to appear rude like the other people around then. He then pulls her around a corner to a less crowded street where she could collect herself properly.

"Mudbloods." He spat as Winnie fixed her curls. It was a word she would often hear her father use to describe people. Though, she was unsure if its meaning.

"Sir?" Winnie asks "what is a mudblood?"

"You're father never taught you about mudbloods?" Lucius asks surprised. Winnie sucks in her lips not wanting to seem ignorant.

"Father never really teaches me things. I read them." She explains herself.

"A mudblood is something very different than you and me. A mudblood is a wizard that is born from muggles. Dirty little creatures they are." Lucius has sounded as though he could throw up at the thought.

"Well-" Winnie began timidly "what is wrong with that? And, how do you know they're all mudbloods?" She asked genuinely curious how he knew. Lucius's demeanor changed drastically. He had seemed to redirect his distain towards Winnie.

"Don't speak girl." He commands as he grabs her arm harshly and pulls her down the alleyway.

Winnie looked around as her legs tried to keep up with the man. She tried to read all the shops signs and logos to get a better understanding of what they were doing here, but the only one she could make out was the one Lucius had stopped in front of. In big red letters the sign read "Ollivander's". A place she had never heard of.

She wanted to ask what they were doing, but he had commanded her not to speak. So, she thought it best to remain quiet. When her parents would tell her not to speak sometimes she would wait days until they finally acknowledged her and allowed her to talk once again. It had been something she grew quite used to, therefore proved to not be too difficult.

Once inside the shop Winnie noticed walls upon walls coved in wands her eyes widened at the sight as she had never seen so many wands in one place before. In fact, she had only ever seen her parents wands in occasion. They were usually quiet secretive with them though. Never really allowing her to see any magic they performed.

"Hello, Lucius." Said an old man that sat behind a large wooden desk. "Who do we have here?" Winnie stood there awkwardly as the man inquired her name. Though, she did not want to speak until given strict permission as she was just told to be quiet.

"Girl." Lucius said as he smacked her back with his cain. She let out a smell yelp as the wood made contact with her clothed skin.

"I-I am Winnie Rose." She introduces herself.

"Winnie Rose?" The man repeats "I'm not familiar with the 'Rose' family?"

"Oh- uh- no Winnie Rose is my first name." She began "My full name is Winnie Rose Elway."

"Ah! Elway! My it's been years since I've heard that name! Not since you-know-who was defeated." The man exclaimed. Winnie rose a brow in confusion. What did that have to do with her parents?

"Yes, yes, yes we know. Now I am here to get this girl a Wand." Lucius chimed in changing the discussion.

"Yes of course." The old man says as he stand from his chair. "Come here girl. Let me get a good look at ya." He says. Winnie quickly obliges and rushed over to the man. He scans her face for a moment before turning towards a small shelf besides him. He slowly picks up a rather small wand and hands it to her.

"Hold this." He tells her. She reaches out and grabs the wood only for the wand to instantly shoot itself out if her hand. "Whoa!" Yelled the man at the sudden movement "never seen one reject someone so fast. Okay okay, no unicorn hair for you." The man then goes back to looking at his shelf and grabbing a much larger wand "how about this one?"

"It's big." Winnie says as she reaches our nervously to grab it. Hoping this one didn't explode also. As soon as her hand touched the wood a sudden heat filled her finger tips "it's warm-" she began "its hot! It's hot!" She yelled as she dropped the wand. The old man shakes his head.

"Huh, no Phoenix feather either, didn't think so anyway."

"Stop wasting time then." Lucius demands irritated. The old man only nods and waves him off.

"Wait-" He says suddenly. He then turns and faces Winnie once more with an intense look in his eye "it couldn't be.... could it?"

"Huh?" She wonders slightly scared and confused. The old mans spun around and headed towards the back of his shop before coming back with another smaller wand. He hold out his hands and gives it to Winnie, who hesitates when she grabs the final wand. And, to her relief, it neither explodes or burns her.

"How does it feel?" He asks eagerly. Winnie twirls the wand around for a moment before answering.

"I like it. I think."

"Larch Wood." He says "Dragon heartstring Core."

"Dragon heartstring?" Asks Lucius unconvinced "are you sure?"

"Made it myself."

"Huh." Lucius huffs "maybe you are a Slytherin."

Winnie spins around with a small smile but before she can speak the door swung open behind Lucius. Everyone in the room looks over to be met with a child around Winnie's age standing in the doorway. He possesses the same light blonde hair as Lucius, and the same pointy nose and chin. Only with a less subtle smile.

"Father." The boy speaks "I thought that was you. Me and mother have been looking for you all over the place."

"Draco come here." Lucius snaps his fingers. Draco quickly comes to his fathers side "l'd like you to meet Winnie Rose." Draco looks you up and down. Seemingly unsure if what to think.

"Hello." Draco Greets slightly standoffish. "My name is Draco."

"Hi." Winnie says "I am Winnie Rose Elway."

"You're the Elways daughter?" Draco asks as if he knows you. You raise a brow in confusion.

"Yes, Draco." Lucius confirms "Winnie I have asked Draco to accompany you to Hogwarts. That way neither of you will be going alone. It is his first year also."

"Yeah. Hopefully you get put in Slytherin because I am definitely going to be in Slytherin and I can't be hanging around anyone who's not." Draco says snobbishly.

"Why not?" Winnie asks confused.

"Pshhh." Draco laughed "haven't your parents taught you anything? I know our parents were good friends. And my dad always told me Slytherin are the best."

"That's Enough Draco." Lucius silences him "now lets go get you guys your pets so we can get the hell out of this dingy alleyway."

"Yeah Winnie, come on." Repeats Draco as the two blonde turn and head for the door. Winnie looks down at her new wand momentary before lifting herself up and eagerly rushing out the door behind them.

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