#demons in my head making me insecure and extremely sad for no reason | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cas-rivaille · 3 years

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HELLO, DEAR!

Undertaker here! How are you today?

I was thinking the other day and I remembered an idea of mine I requested some time ago to another blog and I wanted to see your point of view as well, if you're comfortable with it ofc! I'll change it a bit because I have more ideas about it than before.

What if, hear me out, Obey me!MC was Sukuna's vessel??

I was thinking about a Female!MC but if you want you can keep them gender neutral (I don't mind!). So let's get into it, shall we?

Some facts about MC before the Devildom:

- They've already eaten all Sukuna's fingers

-But they are able to keep him calm inside themselves because over the year they've been together, MC decided to approach him more (Ya know if you have to die with/for someone, at least know them better)

-Sukuna took a liking to the MC, even though he would never admit it. (I mean- They always visit him in his domain to talk to him, read together, play cards (yes. You heard me. The king of curses loves Poker and UNO) or chess, they always ask him where would he like to go eat something, offer him some of their food to let him try new things, ect. Sometimes, but only SOMETIMES, they let him take control (not fully but they both can talk from the same mouth and he has control over one side, while MC has control over the other one))

- Having said that, Sukuna's still a stinky sassy bastard King. He's still rude, acts like he doesn't care about them and always finds a way to let them down when they're too happy. If they're sad though, he doesn't hurt them more. Sometimes MC even asks him advice whenever they're in doubt and after his bulling he actually gives pretty good advice (if you consider extreme violence a good advice that is)

Anyway, MC was going to get executed when suddenly they fell into Devildom. Their file didn't mention Sukuna at all and MC noticed that because when they arrived covered in talismans and chains the demons were confused about it. So, they kept the King a secret until lesson 16.

After Belphegor's crushing hug, while MC (the one from the original timeline) is in Mammon's arm, before Barbatos Thanoses the other timeline, Sukuna heals them and takes fully control of their body (the tattoos, the fangs, the long black claws, the other pairs of eyes and arms appear).

Now, HOW would the brothers, Diavolo and Barbatos react?

If it is too much or I did something wrong, feel free to ignore this! It's okay! Love you and have a good day!

OH MY GOD ?? THIS IS FANTASTIC THANK YOU OMG !

(i think i'm gonna do it hc style for the individual characters feelings but also some dialogue n stuff and each hc thing for each character is written as like in the game like they all like MC except belphie for obvious reasons)

tags: swearing, lesson uhhh smth spoilers ?? i think like 16 ?? (lmk if i need to tag anything else)

also hi ‘taker🥺🥺 i’m good today,, had a bit of a rough morning but i got to see my partner so i feel better !! how are you ? :D

and without further ado..

MC who is Sukuna's Vessel

- hold up

- hold the fuck up

- it was confusing enough when there were two MCs and one of them was near death in mammon's arms

- but now the injured MC gets healed and comes back to life ? but has another set of arms and eyes and is covered in strange tattoos ?

- then the other MC disappears ?

- when the demon MC starts talking, their voice is different and what-

"What the fuck did you to do MC?" Sukuna hastily spits out, checking the body for any other injuries. MC's voice is back and talking out of the same mouth.

"Sukuna, stand down," MC says.

"But he almost killed you ! Without me we wouldn't be standing here right now !" Sukuna argues back.

"I'm aware of that, but we have to be civil about this and talk to them," MC responds sternly.

"Then I want to be present for it. I'm not letting anything happen to you- I mean me. Yes me because I die if you die and I'm too godly to die," Sukuna rambles out before retracting the other set of arms but leaving the tattoos. He opens one of the eyes and forms a mouth on MC's right cheek to watch and participate in the conversation.

All the brothers and Divolo looked stunned at the scene that just happened.

"Questions ?" MC jokingly asks.

Lucifer -

- what ?

- questions ? is MC joking ?

- who the fuck is talking out of MCs body and what jurisdiction does he have

- isnt MC supposed to be human ??

- what does this mean for their relationship ?

- why did MC keep it from him ?

- he looks at dia and barbatos with the most confused face

- looks back at MC equally confused

- def hurts his pride that he didn't know

"Explain"

Lucifer's confusion turns to anger because that's the only way he knows how to cope/react to this.

Sukuna starts talking.

"Show a little more respect. I'm a king after all."

"Don't be an ass," MC shoots back. MC looks at Lucifer a little embarrassed.

"Uh, so this is Sukuna. He's the king of curses ? We kind of share a body because... uhh... it's a very long story but i mean the gist of it is I ate his thousand year old fingers ? There was 20 of them because he had two sets of arms like you saw before- it was very gross- but i had to because of the energy they posses ? When you brought me here and I was covered in seals and chains, was when I was about to be executed because I have all of Sukuna in me. So,, he can do stuff like heal my body and give me cool powers ? I don't really know what else to say." MC rambles using awkward hand motions and finishes by scratching the back of their head.

"Way to make me sound like a total fucking loser," Sukuna glares at MC.

"For the love of god stop talking-" MC shoots back.

Mammon

- huh ? someone has been sharing a body with his MC the whole time ?

- were they present the whole time ?

- did they see him acting like an idiot in love ?

- was sukuna there during e v e r y conversation he's ever had w them

- never felt more insecure and betrayed tbh

- why wouldn't you tell him ? he was your first

</3

- wants you all to himself

- doesn't want to share you with some four armed idiot

"So he's just, there all the time ?" Mammon asks.

"Not really? He has a headspace and he usually just chills in there but he can watch what's going on if he wants to." MC responds.

"That makes me sound lazy," Sukuna complains.

"Well if you don't like how I describe you then maybe you can talk about yourself. You're very good at it," MC smirks.

"Fine. I can do whatever I want. We can trade who has control over MC's body. I have a large supply of cursed energy and will beat the shit out of the next person who touches MC," Sukuna glares at Belphie.

"Yeah beat them in poker maybe. But not mariokart. You suck at video games in the headspace," MC laughs.

Leviathan

- was that how MC was so good at video games ?

- because they spent hours on end with this guy in their head playing video games ?

- why didn't MC come to him to play games ?

- why is MC okay with sharing a body with Sukuna ?

- why can he be the one to share a body with MC ?

- why was MC playing video games with literally anyone else ?

"So let me get this straight, you are his fingers and now you share a body ? How does that even work ? That sounds like something out of the manga 'My best friend ate some ancient object and now shares a body with an immortal warrior'" Levi questions MC.

"Okay so, Sukuna lived a really long time ago. When he died, the only thing that survived were his fingers. They each hold an incredible amount of cursed energy and it's only his fingers so from there you can imagine how powerful he was with the rest of his body," MC explains.

"Okay but that doesn't tell me why you ate the fingers ?" Levi raises an eyebrow.

"Oh. So I went to a high school for Jujutsu sorcerers, which are people who can manipulate cursed energy, and once I ate the first one to save my friend from dying, my choices were to die now or eat all of Sukuna and then be executed because he would die with me," MC says as if them dying was nothing.

Satan

- why has he never heard about Sukuna in any of the books he's read ?

- he historically doesn't exist in anything the devildom has book-wise

- so who is he ?

- needs to find out everything he can about him

- is there a way to separate MC and Sukuna ?

- his blood is boiling at the thought of MC sharing a body with someone

"So you've basically had super human powers this entire time and elected to not tell us ?" Satan glares at MC.

"Well, when you put it like that it sounds bad. I just didn't want you all to meet Sukuna because he has a lot of anger issues and is quite an asshole and I was trying to avoid this entire conversation that is happening," MC sighs.

"Rude," Sukuna says.

"Anger issues. You think we couldn't deal with this ? Are you serious right now ?" Satan asks.

MC shrugs their shoulders nervously.

"How much do you actually know about what sharing a body with him does to you ?" Satan asks while looking at the small mouth and glaring.

"I mean, I get these marks because he had them when he was alive. He was also so powerful to the point he had four arms and another set of eyes, like you saw before. I get those when he takes over mostly, but I can kee him restrained. But the eye thing is why I've always had slits under my eyes because the eyes are the most common thing to show up. The arms don't really. But it's entirely painless so don't worry," MC somewhat calmly explains.

Asmodeus

- those marks make MC look so good wtf-

- not the time

- so this Sukuna person lived a thousand years ago ?

- what was this about jujutsu sorcery ?

- what even is that ?

- asmos not the brightest on the block but from the looks on his brothers faces none of them know what the fuck MC is talking about either.

- they've explained a little bit of it b there's still some missing info

- what is sharing a body really like

- how much of MCs body can change to be like Sukunas ?

"So how much of your body can he control ? What can he heal ? Could he bring you back from the dead ?" Asmo curiously asks.

"He can't control much because it's my body and I have a lot of raw power by myself. I don't know if he can bring us back from the dead. I don't think so though or else the Jujutsu school wouldn't have tried to execute me. He used to be able to bring us back when I hadn't eaten all of his fingers, but now I don't think he can," MC explains.

"So why do you let him live in your body if he can't do much for you ?" Asmo questions.

"Well one, I don't think there's a way to get him out-"

"I'm still here you know," Sukuna interrupts.

"You've made that clear," MC says before continuing, "And two he can do stuff for me. It's like a symbiotic relationship. I give him a host and he protects me."

Beelzebub

- protects MC ?

- that's his job

- why is someone else protecting MC ?

- overall confusion

- even tho MC has gone over it multiple times, he doesn't get how or why Sukuna is in MC's body

- maybe it's the shock

. was this why MC could challenge him to armwrestling and almost win ?

"So how long has he been in you ?" Beel asks.

"About a year," MC responds.

"Can he make you live longer aside from healing you ?" Beel asks hopefully.

"I'm sorry, I don't think so..." MC says while looking at the ground. They cross their arms. They look small, as if they aren't small enough compared to him already.

"So, what does this mean ? Now that your secret is out... are you going to stay in the devildom with us ? Or do you have to leave ?"

" If I leave I'll surely be executed when I go back to the human world. If I stay I don't know what will happen to me, but it's not up to me. It's up to you guys if you want me to stay. I understand if you want me to go, I was harboring a big secret and it's probably unnerving to know that you're never truly alone with me, but Sukuna actually cares about my boundaries even though he acts like he doesn't. There are some pluses and there are some drawbacks but ultimately you have to decide." MC responds, looking from brother to brother then at Dia and Barbatos

Belphie

- MC ? dead if you back to the human world ? doesn't bother him

- he doesn't care

- he hasn't known MC long enough to care

- diavolo may have told everyone that MC was a descendant of human Lilith and he told everyone the events that actually happened, but why should he have any attachment to MC

- MC isnt Lilith, and MC sure as hell doesn't like him after the events that happened today

- from what he's heard, MC dying would be good for the human world

"I say send MC back. What happens to them isnt our problem any more," Belphie says while under his magical restraints Diavolo put on him.

"Of course you would say that," Satan glares at him.

"Shut up Belphie !!" Mammon and Levi yell.

"You don't have any right to an opinion in this matter." Lucifer states.

"Belphie that's mean," Asmo says.

Beel frowns.

"I vote they stay. I like MC regardless, and if all I have to do is adjust to Sukuna then I'll do it," Beel says while looking Belphie dead in the eye.

There's a beat of silence.

"Me too," Mammon says.

"Hey ! I was going to say that !" Levi protests.

"Oooh~ Count me in !" Asmo says with a smile.

"I also think they should stay," Satan says and looks at MC.

"My personal preference is also that they stay, but Lord Diavolo it's up to you," Lucifer says and looks at Dia.

Diavolo

- he knew there was something off, but couldnt place his finger on it

- he also constantly got a powerful vibe from MC and this explains it

- he was very fond of MC and enjoyed their presence

- he knew what he was going to do

"Barbatos, what do you think ?" Dia asks him.

"The decision is up to you m'lord," Barbatos responds.

"Well Id also like the input of my trusty all knowing butler," Diavolo laughs.

"Then, I see no reason to send them back to the human world. They can live out their lives here and safe from the school that wants to execute them. It also wouldn't be an issue to get anyone from the human world here if MC so desired," Barbatos replied.

"Then it's settled ! Welcome to the devildom for the rest of your life MC!!" Diavolo smiled and welcomed MC with open arms.

MC smiled and accepted the hug.

Barbatos

- he didn't know all along, but he know when the timelines crossed and he had to erase the other

- MC was very near and dear to his heart though and he wasnt about to let them be killed

- just wants to keep MC safe

I HOPE I DID A GOOD JOB AND THANK YOU FOR THE REQUEST REMEMBER TO FRINK SOME WATER ILY TAKER <3

- mars :)

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astaroth1357 · 4 years

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The Demon Brothers (Minus Asmo) at Their Worst Pt. 1 (Lucifer, Mammon, Levi)

To the anons who gave me this idea, here it is. Unfortunately, I can’t say I’m all that happy to bring it to you, cause yikes this hurt to write. I’m grateful, however, because I believe I’m better for it. You shouldn’t always stay in your comfort zone. I left out Asmodeus for personal reasons. Regardless of my ability, given the nature of this challenge, I don’t feel comfortable with writing nor posting graphic content of sexual violence and chose to refrain from doing so. Please do not ask for this to be written at a later date, I will politely refuse then as I am now.

Check out the Masterlist for more.

Warnings: THEIR SINS HAVE BEEN TAKEN TO AN EXTREME (AND ALL THAT IMPLIES), Abusive/Controlling Relationships, Violence, Threat of Human Trafficking, Drowning, Angst, Regret, Suicidal Thoughts

This is all for the purposes of fantasy and in no way an endorsement for these behaviors in real life. Be nice (and smart) with your lives, my friends.

Intro: Maybe the MC should have known better. It should have sunk in a long time ago that they were in incredibly risky territory... They should have remembered that these men, though they call them friends, family, and perhaps even lovers, are still demons at their heart and core. Each of them are the embodiment of some of the worst behaviors man has to offer... MC, there are some people you just shouldn’t date, even if they love you, and now you suffer the consequences...

Lucifer

It’s not difficult to see how Pride can go awry. Self-confidence and dignity are wonderful things, but let them build up unchecked and all manner of petty, vindictive behavior can surface from within a person...

Lucifer is far from immune to these flare ups. In fact, he falls victim to them so often that they may as well be ingrained in his personality. If you do anything that mocks or belittles him, even if it’s small, you’ll get a reaction. One that’s usually more severe than offense calls for...

The MC knew this going into a relationship with him. Supposedly, they knew all the no-go zones, too. Don’t make fun of him or Diavolo, don’t mention the Fall or his back, don’t call him a nag... That sort of thing.

What they hadn’t expected was the full brunt of the expectations suddenly leveled on them.

To say Lucifer was demanding would be an understatement. Everything about him had to be poised, powerful, collected, and perfect. Whether he realized it or not, these expectations bled into their relationship as well.

It started with him nitpicking little details... The way they stood, how they styled their hair, maybe a comment or two on what they ate. But it progressively got worse...

Suddenly he found problems with the way they dressed, what they listened to, what shows they watched, even how they greeted him in the mornings!

Before too long, nothing was right to him… Nothing was good enough. They were his other half, his biggest vulnerability, and in order for him to feel secure about that they had to be perfect… However Lucifer defined it.

They listened to him at first. Though his comments stung, he could be so loving too… He truly made them feel special. Like he wouldn’t be trying so hard if it were anyone but them...

But pretty words and kind actions could only go so far. They couldn’t completely erase the vitriol being tossed at them day after day…

Slowly, with every little change, they could feel themselves start to dwindle… The choices they made felt foreign, the lifestyle they held became draining, and then one day they realized they didn’t even look right anymore… They were no longer the person they wanted to be.

Lucifer was doing what he set out to do: train them, break them, then mold them into something new... So they could be perfect...

Just like him.

One day, however, they just couldn’t take being the person he wanted anymore...

He found them in their bedroom just before a party that Diavolo had been planning for weeks. Their hair wasn’t fixed and their clothes were a mess. His frustration nearly skyrocketed until he saw their face, vacant and broken, staring blankly straight ahead…

He couldn’t rouse them. They wouldn’t move no matter how much he shouted, threatened, or swore...

….they didn’t even budge when he begged…

His brothers eventually noticed something amiss and took them away. Their disgust with him was fairly evident… They probably would have tried something had he not been the strongest.

He had taken something wonderful and squashed it... Hurt someone he truly loved and ruined what they could have had to protect his damn ego…

Lilith, his brothers, and Satan especially… was everyone he tried to care for just bound to end up broken too…?

The MC’s recovery was slow. They had a lot of damage to repair and a whole new identity to build. He stayed out of it as much as he could, burying himself in work and seeing his brothers less and less...

He’d done enough damage to them anyway...

Mammon

The Greedy, Scummy Second-Born… Words to etch on his tombstone. Mammon had heard it all before from all angles: the demons above him, below him, hell even a passersby on the street would know his face and his laundry list of a rap sheet...

The one person who seemed to look past all that was MC.

He truly didn’t know what sort of karma he’d gained or luck he scored to have them in his life. They didn’t just see him at his best side, they made him want to fix his worst...

But that’s easier said than done, isn’t it?

The sad truth is Mammon is a gambler at heart. Oh he loves the money, the riches, fine things, and the bling but what else does he enjoy? The rush.

There’s nothing like that feeling of triumphant when the dice falls your way or the pure exhilaration of a close bet. When all cards are on the table and everything’s stacked against you, eking out that win can cause a head-rush better than any orgasm he’s ever had... The higher the stakes? The better the high.

But maybe he went a little too far…

It’s one thing to bet Grimm, he can make more of that in a night. It’s another to bet items, harder to replace but not impossible. People…? Well. If you want high stakes…

MC was actually with him that night when he made the “great” decision to bet his most valuable treasure on poker match. He was running out of Grimm and thought that the added risk would make him play better…

He thought wrong.

MC hadn’t been at the table at the time he made the deal, but they had come back just in time to see him get his ass handed to him. He lost. Spectacularly.

When the other demons there came over to encircle MC, it already felt like his world was crumbling down around him... The look of confusion, then hurt and betrayal in their eyes forever seared themselves into his memory.

“You bet me in a poker game?!”

It sounds almost comical, but he knew what the demons were planning to do to them wasn't. And just seeing the way his human’s wrist snapped when one of the men wrenched their arm from them confirmed it.

He wouldn’t let them get away with that. When the threats escalated to violence, he took his share of punches but in the end he was left standing.

The MC was furious. He had just whittled their entire existence down to a bargaining chip and one that he tossed away carelessly…

Yeah, he’s truly a scumbag, isn’t he?

They didn’t talk to him for quite a while, despite him begging for forgiveness. There was always a part of him that wondered why he even bothered… He had done it before, and in another gambling-induced high he would probably do it again…

They’d honestly be better off without him...

Leviathan

It’s, frankly, quite difficult to be the Avatar of Envy. Every day Levi feels uncomfortable in his own skin… Like he doesn’t measure up to this or that or like he’s not worthy of being in the meager position afforded to him. He preferred to hide himself away and try not to dwell on it… but then MC came along…

For once, he felt like he had something. Something truly special. Something one of a kind and like no other… He couldn’t point to any of his brothers and say that they had something better, hell, he couldn’t even point to Diavolo and say that he had a finer version.

No. He had them. The one, the only, MC. Better than all the rest. His only great accomplishment in his miserable, pathetic life...

… so why did they keep leaving him…?

It didn’t hurt that badly at first when they’d tell him they couldn’t go watch some new anime with him because they had other plans. Sometimes they’d go off shopping with Mammon or have lunch with Beel… That was fine. Understandable.

At least that’s what he’d tell himself.

After a while though, he started to feel lonely… rejected… Was he not good enough for them? Surely that had to be it, right?? A miserable shut-in otaku with someone like them? What a joke!

Any time he’d voice his insecurities, they’d always say the same things: “No, don’t be silly!” “I really do want to be with you.” “I love you, Levi. Don’t you believe me?”

No. He didn’t. With each passing hour spent away from him, time where he would get shafted for one of his brothers instead, he believed them less and less…

Soon all he heard was lies…

Something possessed him that day. MC had just missed their third live stream in a row in order to be with his brothers instead. Which one was it? It didn’t really matter. He felt the stinging pain of isolation all the same…

When the MC walked into his room they had no way of knowing that the festering hatred and inadequacy that had been stewing in him for months was about to spill over. His anger was so quick to spark and their human body too weak to resist...

It was only once he realized how long he had their head forced under the water of his aquarium that he finally let them up for air.

He was stepping over himself to apologize, stammering incoherently through his tears how he just lost control and didn’t know what came over him!

His brothers weren’t forgiving. Not in the slightest. Each of them seemed to want to beat him within an inch of his life and he didn’t blame them… If he could get away with it, he’d march himself into the sea and let it serve as his rightful prison…

His punishments were severe, but not unending, and soon he was back in his room again. Now he never leaves it and the MC is never allowed back in, even if they want to be.

He now, truly, doesn’t deserve them at all...

Link to Part Two: Satan, Beel, Belphie

#obey me #obey me shall we date #shall-we-date-obey-me #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #ow ow ow ow ow #obey me scenarios #obey me headcanons #crap I have to reread this...#in for pain #sorry levi #went a little hard on you there

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robin-the-enby · 4 years

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Chasing demons away

Requested by: @coldjudgestudentdeputy - Hello! I just want to say that your stories give me so much comfort and I am grateful for your writing. Could I request a comfort fic for Ikemen Vampire Comte with a self harming S/O. You don’t know how much you reading has helped me! Thank you so much! Much Love ❤️❤️❤️

Pairing: le Comte de Saint-Germain x reader

Warnings: selfharm, suicidal intentions, lots and lots of angst, gore

A/N: Thank you again for being so sweet dear! You’ve got no idea how happy that made me and how honoured I feel that I can continue to bring you comfort. I hope I did a good job... Also, I wrote the reader as gender neutral, if you’d like me to change it, just ask ;) I’ll be glad to write something for you again if you’d need. Sending lots of strength through this post!

* * * * *

Everybody has bad days, there is no shame in that. Sometimes you just feel under the weather, be it for one reason or another. But when this feeling just doesn’t want to go away, and days turn into weeks, which turn into months, it becomes a problem.

When you became Comte’s partner, he assured you that you no longer had to work alongside Sebastian if you didn’t want to. That was of course unthinkable, not only would you feel extremely guilty for putting extra work on the poor man’s shoulders, you liked your job at the mansion. And quite frankly, you didn’t know what else you would do. Let’s be honest, it’s not like you could really pursue a career in 19th century... And sure, you had your hobbies, but you certainly couldn’t compare to the likes of your housemates. At least, that’s what you thought.

Abandoning your old life was not an easy decision, but certainly not one you regretted. Most of the time that is. Sometimes, you couldn’t help but feel insecure. Sometimes, thoughts of doubt would haunt and taunt you, whispering delicately in your ears how you don’t belong and how foolish you are for giving up your life to a man for who you are just a spec in his never ending life.

Now, both you and Comte were busy people. Running a mansion and looking after it were not easy tasks, but you knew that whenever you needed it, you could rely on your lover, even when your thoughts made you want to turn the other way, just so he wouldn’t be worried. But he knew what sadness looks like, he knew it better than anyone, and seeing your eyes clouded by the emotion clawed at his old soul. When your thoughts were especially loud, it took him one look at your face to know just exactly what’s wrong. He would take you to his room or at least somewhere where you two could be alone, tugged you close to him and held you as long as you needed. No matter how hard it was, you two were always able to chase away those demons of yours and in those moments did you truly know that you loved him and he loved you.

But no matter how many times did your lover chase those monstrous thoughts away, they always came back. It started out small, barely noticeable. One day, the moment you opened your eyes, it was like a heavy blanket was draped across your soul. It made the world seem gray and blank. Without thinking much of it, you went about your day as usual.

The first one to call you out on your unusual behaviour was Vincent at breakfast “Is somehing wrong (Y/N)?” You were puzzled, was there something wrong? After shaking your head in confusion, the painter elaborated “Your eyes don’t shine as usual.” he said and looked at you with worried eyes. You smiled at him, despite how unnatural the action felt to you “I guess it’s just a bad day. I’ll be fine,”

Turns out Vincent wasn’t the only one who noticed the change. Dazai mentioned you weren’t smiling as usual and Sebastian pointed out how quiet you are. On one hand you felt flattered that they noticed such a small detail about you, but a small voice in your head whispered “Look how worried you make them.”

The next days weren’t any better. But you were determined to not make anyone worried. For a while, it seemed to work. You concentrated on your daily tasks and dodged every question with “I’m fine.” and the best smile you could muster up. But it seemed the blanket didn’t want to be lifted at all. Every day you woke up more tired than before and pretending you were fine just so you wouldn’t worry anyone was becoming harder and harder each day.

It was not long before Comte noticed how your eyes weren’t clouded by just any sadness, but weighed down by immense pain. He questioned you about it, but you were stubborn, one of your traits he oh so loved about you, but now it did more harm than good. Through careful prodding he got out of you that you were indeed not fine, but didn’t wish to talk about it. That it was for his sake you didn’t say out loud, he didn’t need to know that.

Time passed and all the residents became quite worried for you. Whenever they approached you, asking how you were and if you would like to maybe go out, all you could see was the worry in their eyes. “You’re not doing well enough!” your mind tormented you “They shouldn’t have to worry about you, they have enough problems already!” And so the only rational thing in that moment was to isolate yourself even more. You were hurting, and just because you refused to share your pain with the others, you still needed an outlet.

“Ma chérie, do you know where is my razor?” Comte asked you from the bathroom attached to his room. “No idea, mon cher.” you answered innocently, but you couldn’t help the guilt that swirled in your gut at that lie. You really didn’t want to steal from your lover, the idea itself horrible and the act even worse, but there was no other way. You would take care of this problem, one way or another. “Oh well, seems I’ve lost it.” Comte made a mental note to ask Sebastian to buy him a new one once he’ll go out for groceries “I’ll be in my study, if you need me.” he gave you a kiss on the forehead and left you in the bedroom. Alone.

It was late in the afternoon when you finally got back to the room you shared with your lover. Dark thoughts plagued your mind the whole day and you were anxiously anticipating this moment. Slowly and carefully you took out the razor your lover ‘lost’ this morning. You sat on your side of the bed, eyes roaming the shining object in your hand. You slowly put one of your hands on your thigh, wrist facing up and brought the tip of the razor to your wrist. “Now or never.” your mind ordered.

Slice.

That... That wasn’t so bad. You haven’t done this in a long while, but it surprized you how easy it was. You could already feel the pressure easing away from your body, your eyes set on the cut that was quickly becoming darker with your blood. But it wasn’t enough. “Only one cut? What are you, a coward? Make it at least four!” the voice ordered. And you complied.

Soon, your whole wrist was covered in blood. As you came down from the high, you started panicking. How were you going to hide this from everyone?? They’d be so disappointed if they found out, you thought. “Or you could just finish the job.” your mind whispered. You knew where the artery in your hand was. How easy would it be to just slice it pen and let the river of blood flow out? You wouldn’t have to worry about anything anymore. Nobody would have to worry about you anymore. Comte could find someone more stable than you. It’s what he deserved anyway...

The tip of the razor moved towards the outer side of your wrist. You were so numb that it almost felt like it moved on its own. Just as you began pressing down, a familiar voice interrupted your actions “Put the blade down ma chérie.”

Comte was pleased to find out that it had been only the afternoon when he was done with his work. He didn’t have to go to Sebastian immediately then. He got up and started walking to his room, to search for his lost razor for the last time. Now he wished he lost it.

Just as he opened the door, the strong scent of blood hit his nose like a slap to the face. Eyes quickly searched the room and to his horror, he found you sitting on the bed, his razor in your hand, fresh cuts on your wrist. You didn’t seem to notice him, eyes fixed on your wrist, the tip of the blade slowly moving towards a place where nothing sharp should ever touch you.

“Put the blade down ma chérie.” he softly called out to you, closing the door quietly behind him as he took a few steps forward. One wrong move and he could lose you. And he didn’t want to risk that. You whirled around to face him, eyes widened in panic, mouth opened a bit. Tears were streaming down your face, the sight so painful to him that it brought some into his own. He repeated his request. You didn’t budge, but Comte saw your grip on the blade tightening.

“Come on, you’re already this far, surely you’re not gonna chicken out?” your mind questioned, its voice turning sour and screechy instead of the honeyed murmurs you were used to. You hesitated. Oh but your lover’s eyes shone with tears and i them you saw desperation. For once he dropped his mask, allowed you and only you to see, truly see, just how much he needed you. You saw fear, and love and sadness so deeply rooted within him and it made your heart tear apart. You swore to yourself once that you’d be there for him, that he didn’t have to be alone anymore.

And so once again, your lover won over your ill mind. No matter how painful life would become, he would always come first. You dropped the wicked torture tool, which clanked loudly against the floor, staining it with your blood. It took you both only a few steps to meet each other at the foot of your bed. Comte didn’t hesitate to wrap you in his arms, holding you tighter than ever before, not caring that his clothes would get dirty, because how could he ever get mad at you?

As you held each other close you heard his quiet, almost completely inaudible sniffles. You pulled away from him a bit and cradled his face in your hands, wiping his tears away “Please don’t cry mon cher. I’m so sorry.”

Holding you close with one hand, he placed his other on the back of your head and peppered your face with gentle kisses and you smiled sadly at the gesture. Only when every inch of your skin received the love it deserved he pulled away “Please, please don’t leave me. After you stole my heart I promised myself I’d never let you go. I couldn’t bear to lose you, to be alone again.” You nodded your head in confirmation, guilt heavy on your chest again. “I can’t promise that everything will be alright, but you have to believe that I am here for you, whenever you may need me. Please, I am your lover, don’t ever hesitate to come to me.” “But, you shouldn’t have to-” you wanted to argue, but Comte pressed his pointer finger against your lips “You’ve helped me so much. I am a better man thanks to you. You support me, it’s only fair I support you too.” And even though your mind still didn’t quiet down, even it couldn’t find an argument against that.

After that, Comte quickly brought a first aid kit to his room and tended to your wounds. He took the rest of the day and night to show you just how much deserving of love and support you are and how much you truly mean to him.

#Ikemen Vampire #ikevamp comte #le comte de saint germain #comte x reader #selfharm #suicidal thoughts #insecurities #le comte de saint germain x reader #Ikemen vampire x reader #tw #requests open

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mourndove · 3 years

Text

@hoddentobby Yeah he’s definitely questioning whether or not he is still handsome.. and yet, there are so many ways to look at this!

“Am I not handsome enough for you anymore?”

This quote is just SO fascinating to me, there’s different ways to interpret it, because... we don’t know what his tone is! Is he sulking? Hurt? Inquisitive? Mocking? Worried? Apathetic? Personally, I like to imagine something more on the hurt/sad/upset side because I feel like it humanizes him more, and Ferael isn’t given much emotion to his character at all in his story.

A lot is up for interpretation, and I love the playground that is Ferael’s inner world. He’s a mysterious character, that one.

But going off an interpretation that assumes he’s upset in some way, (the rest of this post is going to be assuming this) it’s fascinating, because for his appearance, he was brainwashed/mind-controlled by the enchantress, then murdered, and almost enslaved. (When you think about the implications about what the enchantress would have used him for, what she would have done to him had her spells remained in place... it’s extremely disturbing. It’s very naive to think she would have just kept him around as eye candy.)

...So he hides half of his face now - very understandable, given the traumatic experiences he’s had. And yet, he seems insecure that he is no longer handsome? Why is it so important for him that he is handsome? This doesn’t bode well for his concept of self-worth.

But maybe it’s not so surprising. Looking back at his story, it seems all of the positive attention he’d gotten in the past was very shallow, mostly focused on his looks and maybe his talents as an archer, and had nothing to do with his personality and him as an overall person. That’s bound to mess with your head, and what you think is valuable about yourself.

So, of course, regarding his appearance and being Graveborn and all, there’s definitely some wear and tear, considering he is a reanimated dead body. Apparently that’s really getting to him.

(For the record, I personally don’t think it detracts from his attractiveness, it honestly just makes him look cooler if anything. Yes, Ferael, you are more than handsome enough for me.)

hhhhhhhhhh alright, headcanon time: Ferael has a lot of conflicting feelings about being Graveborn. There’s bonuses to being undead but there’s a lot of downsides too. It’s nice to be more powerful, and he’ll embrace that, but at the end of the day he didn’t choose this, and there’s a lot of resentment there. Some days he feels like he’s falling apart - literally, sometimes- and he hates it.

When he’s fighting he feels great, he feels powerful and the bow and arrow bring him a familiarity and comfort. But at any other time, he mostly just feels cursed. Becoming Graveborn has given him a lot of insecurities and self-hatred.

...Also, wasn’t sure where to put this, but I have a headcanon that Ferael actually, over time, becomes more in tune with emotion and compassion after becoming Graveborn. My reason for this? Well..

The Graveborn are quite demonized, and it’s often portrayed that the people who become Graveborn become “worse”. Personally I like to see it as just a change - it can be good or bad or just different (though, you could say it’s bad in the sense that it’s definitely traumatic most of the time, given that to become a Graveborn, you have to, well, die).

One thing’s for sure: Death changes you. But does it have to be a bad change?

So, I love the idea that becoming a Graveborn can actually lead to becoming a better person. imo, Ferael is a good candidate for that because he’s very neutral in his origin story, he’s not evil nor is he virtuous, so it’s not too much of a stretch. And the best part is that we mostly have no idea what that dude actually gets up to after he becomes Graveborn. Maybe he’s rescuing kittens from trees or something. I mean, probably not, but hey, we don’t know, right?

#afk arena #afk ferael #ferael #in which i become unhinged over one (1) quote in a mobile app game #i just. i like the archer man okay i just think he's neat #afk headcanons

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yukiobeyme · 4 years

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hii, can I ask for a MC who is really into music and always play their acoustic guitar and sings when they’re feeling blue? And how the bois would react when then discovered that and listen to a MC playing and singing for them to make them feel better?

Song by Robin Ozminsta (sp?) I can’t find her but the song that I chose for the opening is the opening to Andrea Gibson’s “Maybe I need you” I hope this met your expectations! Thanks for being patient.

Also spot the Twilight Reference

You have been playing the acoustic guitar for as long as you remember. You are a self-taught guitarist and singer. You tended to play more when you felt upset, channeling your energy to make beautiful songs.

These dry Autumn Breezes

The stories they hold

I’ve got my reasons

For feeling so old

My body aching

For warming days

Its not only the season that change

When I want them to stay

Lucifer:

Lucifer froze outside of your room, captivated by the hum of the acoustic guitar and your soft voice. He decided to come back another time to ask you about your task, after listening for a little while longer.

Lucifer gets stressed a lot, but he likes to think he handles it well, regardless that his brothers (especially Mammon) disagree. It was one of those days, where even his favorite records couldn’t calm him down. He practically growled when someone knocked his office door, when you cowered away from him, he apologized profusely and immediately.

You took in his tense and uptight form as he walked back to his desk and then you took in the melody that was playing off the record player.

“Kiss from a Rose?” You looked questioningly at Lucifer.

“You know it?” Lucifer seemed genuinely surprised and impressed.

“Give me a second,” you said as you raced back to your room to grab your guitar, you shyly came back to his office and presented your acoustic to him, “I can play it for you?” You made it seem more like a question, but you were beyond nervous.

Lucifer stood up and walked over to his record player, turning it off before leaning against the counter and looking at you expectantly, “Well go on,”.

You quickly nodded and made your way to sit down before taking a deep breath and began to play. You allowed yourself to get lost in the music and the strumming pattern, hoping there weren’t any micro mistakes; something demon ears could pick up. You didn’t notice that Lucifer had made his way over to you, you jerked when you felt the couch deep.

“That was Beautiful, thank you,” Lucifer said quietly. You both feel into silence before Lucifer spoke up again, asking how long you have played. You were embarrassed to find out he heard you play, but then extremely touched when he asked or more so told you he would love for you to play when he was stressed. It became a thing for you, to play some of his favorite instrumentals or even some soft classics, he told you he loved your voice and it really does help him relax.

Mammon:

Mammon heard you playing and immediately came into your room without knocking, causing you to let out a scream.

“Dammit Mammon!” you yelled and threw a pillow he easily dodged.

“Why did you stop playing?” He tossed the pillow back on your bed and then tossed himself on your bed, looking at you expectantly.

“Why? Because you scared me?” you should be used to Mammon coming in and making himself at home, but sadly you always hoped he would knock.

“Well you aren’t scared now, so continue on,” he nudged you with his foot.

With a sigh you would pick up playing the song, once you were done you looked over at Mammon to see him looking rather peaceful and calm.

“Mammon?” you asked quietly, not knowing if he was asleep or not. Mammon simply hummed in response, cracking an eye open.

“Are you falling asleep?” you asked with a giggle, which caused him to bolt upright, “What do you mean fall asleep, I was resting my eyes!”

Later, you and Mammon would hang out and he would occasionally request a song. You started to learn more Classic Rock songs for him, or at least the ones that sounded okay on the acoustic. Mammon definitely askes you if you could get an electric guitar.

Leviathan:

Levi was the only one who knew you played the guitar, you willingly told him that you knew some of the anime theme songs. You forwent that face you tended to play it more when you were upset, but while Levi was socially awkward, he could pick up on emotions pretty good. There was a difference in your posture and how your concentration face looked. When you were playing when you were sad Levi would just calmly sit beside you and enjoy the music with you, he wouldn’t ask what was wrong but just keep you company and if you wanted to talk to him you could.

Whenever Levi was upset or stressed, you played music for him; ranging from his favorite anime theme songs to your favorite instrumentals. His favorite song you ever played for him (or than the TSL theme) was This way by Depapepe. He would ignore you when you entered his room and he was playing games to destress or calm down but as you played more music, you watch the tension melt from his body.

“Thank you,” He would whisper quietly as he gently put the controller down and looked over at you, giving you a shy smile.

“Anytime, Levi,” you would reply with a smile and ruffle his hair and laugh as he swatted at your hands.

Satan:

You and Satan said you would work on homework together and you were in the library when he arrived so he headed to your room when he overheard you sing. Satan waited until it sounded like the song was done before knocking and collecting you for homework.

A few days later, you went to go hang out in Satan’s room for a bit when you heard him playing his instrumental music. You knocked before cracking the door open to the peaceful scene of Satan reading on his bed.

“Clair de lune?” You asked, forgoing your usual greeting.

Satan looked up surprised, “You know Debussy?” he asked, marking his book before sitting up.

“My mom played a lot of classical stuff around my childhood home, I know it on the guitar too,” You shrugged.

“I heard you playing the other day,” Satan smirked when he saw your eye widened, “Play for me?”

“Let me get my guitar,” you nervously half-ran back to your room to grab your guitar before heading back towards Satan's room. Right before entering his room, you paused and took a deep breath before entering his room again.

“Do you want me to play Clair de lune?” you asked quietly, as you carefully sat down on his bed.

“You don’t have too, it might be tough,” Satan replied, scooting closer to you.

You nodded and instead opted to play Can’t Help Falling in Love, you even decided to sing along to the song. Once the song ends you shyly looked over at Satan, who had a soft smile on his face.

“I love you too, MC” he whispered and pressed a kiss to your forehead. You went red that he saw through your song choice but happy he seemed to feel the same way.

“Will you teach me how to play?” Satan asked quietly.

It became a tradition that twice a week you would go to Satan’s room to teach him how to play the guitar and the first song he wanted to learn was Can’t Help Falling in Love his reasoning was he wanted to sing it back to you.

Asmodeus:

Asmodeus came into your room and dramatically dropped down on your bed and sighed.

“I couldn’t get the picture Devilgram picture, MC! What am I going to do?” Asmodeus said dramatically rolling over to see you were frozen in place with a guitar in your hands.

“Oh, you play?” Asmodeus’ eyes light up as he got on his stomach, resting his head in his hands, and crossing his legs.

“I do,” You said slowly unsure where the conversation was going.

“Play me a song that reminds you of me!” Asmodeus squealed, excited that maybe you would play for him.

You thought about for a moment, what song could you play for Asmodeus. You started to run through all his traits, he was gorgeous, lustful, amorous; so, what song would work. You decided to play Sentimental Journey, a song you learned because it was apart of Only After Dark playlist.

You watched as Asmodeus reached to the music, he took a deep breath and watched you carefully as you played through the song. You stumbled when you saw a flash and quickly stopped the song to see Asmodeus holding up his D.D.D.

“Asmodeus, what are you doing? You asked a little stunned.

“Taking a picture for my Devilgram! This is the perfect image!” He started excitedly, “Oh, but what do I caption it? MC, tries to seduce me in their room?” That might be a good one.

“Asmodeus!” You shouted, feeling your face getting a little warm.

Much to your dismay, that picture does end up getting posted on his Devilgram with that caption and even worse there is a video included.

Asmodeus then comes to you to play the guitar when he is upset or for some reason is feeling insecure about himself. You tended to play Sentimental Journey, which always seems to make him relax and peaceful.

Beelzebub:

Beelzebub found out you played when he saw you play Belphegor to sleep and Beelzebub was already your friend and adored you but right now, he adored you even more. He talked to you occasionally about your passion, usually over food or when you had played Belphegor to sleep.

When Beelzebub asked you to play him a song, you knew the perfect one right off the bat, Jimmy Buffet’s, Cheeseburger Paradise. The song was upbeat, fun, and about food. Some of the same words you would use to describe Beelzebub. He seemed to enjoy the song and your singing voice a lot.

“Man, I want a Cheeseburger now,” Beelzebub said as you heard his stomach growl. You laughed but followed him to the kitchen to watch him cook up way too many cheeseburgers for himself.

From then on you tended to play for Beelzebub whenever he was hungry and couldn’t get to food or played for him when you played for Belphegor. Whenever he heard you playing your acoustic by yourself in your room, he tended to collect snack and share then with you until you felt better or at least until he could get you to laugh.

Belphegor:

The acoustics in the Planetarium is the best, so you played your guitar there all the time. What you didn’t know was Belphegor's favorite place to sleep. You were playing more Melancholic music; it was raining for the first time in Devildom and the music that flowed through the room seemed sitting. You didn’t expect Belphegor to show up and throw his pillow at your feet before curling up.

“Keep playing,” he mutters into his pillow, rolling a little to look at you,

Though he couldn’t really see you nodded and continued to play. You watched as his body started to relax and how peaceful his face looked as he drifted off into sleep.

You stayed and played throughout Belphie nap knowing dinner was in an hour or so, and you figured your fingers could take it.

Beelzebub came in to gather you for dinner and once Belphegor was awake, he asked what song you were playing.

“It’s Singing Through The Storm by Shaun Hopper,” you told him and started talking about other songs you knew and could play.

“It should play the next time I take a nap in there,” he told you before sitting down at the table.

Eventually, you did, you rearranged your schedule a little and have it so Belphegor normal nap times in the Planetarium lined up to the times you practiced the guitar. On nights you had trouble sleeping you would go to the Planetarium and play and Belphegor would eventually show up. Though during the times, you couldn’t sleep, he would gently guide you to put your guitar down and to curl up with him to go to sleep.

#obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #lucifer obey me #mammon obey me #leviathan obey me #satan obey me #asmodeus obey me #beelzebub obey me #Yuki Writes!#yuki writes

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jalapeno-princess · 4 years

Text

For Your Eyes Only

Mark Tuan x Reader

Genre: Extremely cheesy and sappy fluff

Summary: After a night of drinking with the rest of Got7, Mark calls you while drunk and can’t help but admit how much he misses you while he’s on tour.

A/N: Based on the song “If I could fly” by my first true loves One Direction.

If I could fly, I'd be coming right back home to you I think I might give up everything, just ask me to Pay attention, I hope that you listen cause I let my guard down Right now I'm completely defenseless For your eyes only, I show you my heart For when you're lonely and forget who you are I'm missing half of me when we're apart Now you know me, for your eyes only For your eyes only

The vibration against your head abruptly woke you from your sleep. You searched for your phone that you placed behind your pillow before you went to bed and took a few seconds to come to your senses before checking to see why your phone was going off.

Your heart warmed when you realized your boyfriend was trying to FaceTime you. Dating a Kpop idol could be difficult sometimes. The long distance, going days without getting to speak to each other and the rumors that surrounded your boyfriend made things a bit challenging. However, the love you had for Mark was stronger than anything negative that tried to get in the way of your relationship.

Mark had been extra clingy towards you in the past few days, constantly calling you and texting you; reminding you of how much he loved you, missed you and wanted nothing more than to be by your side again. Got7 had just started the beginning of their world tour and no matter how many times Mark had asked you to go with them, being a full time college student with a full time job ultimately prevented you from doing so.

He and the rest of the guys were currently in Paris, which meant that you were a day and six hours ahead of him. You were sure Mark was fully aware of what time it was, so he knew that you were sleeping. The two of you had gotten off the phone just a few hours ago, so you were worried that something bad happened. When you finally answered his FaceTime call, you knew right off the bat that your boyfriend was drunk. His glossy eyes, the pink in his cheeks and the huge grin on his face easily gave him away.

“Hey baby. How are you? What are you doing?” Although a part of you was irritated that he woke you up, even more so because he was clearly intoxicated, seeing him made your heart flutter.

“I was sleeping.” The frown that replaced his bright smile made you snicker.

“Shit y/n. I’m so sorry. I can call you back later. I just really miss you.” You released a long sigh and gave him a sad smile. Mark wasn’t one to drink. But when he got drunk, he always had his reasons for doing so. Either the guys went out to drink and handed him one too many glasses of wine, or he had something on his mind.

One of the main reasons as to why Mark was so in love with you, was because he felt safe with you. He told you every little thing about himself. From his dreams and goals, to his worries and insecurities. You knew him like the back of your hand. You could tell when something was wrong just by the intonation of his voice. Sure, he probably was out with the guys having fun and exploring the streets of Paris, but he wasn’t the type to get really drunk.

“I miss you too babe. You’re drunk aren’t you?” He was quick to nod in agreement and you couldn’t help the smile that crept up on your face at the sight of his wide and doe like eyes. Mark never admitted to things all too quickly, but being the lightweight he was, all it took was two beers for him to tell you all his secrets.

“I’m bothering you aren’t I? Wait hold on.” He put you on pause for a few seconds and your curiosity rose when you heard him groan. “Shit baby. It’s almost 3 in the morning where you are. I’m sorry. I’ll call you back tomorrow.”

You shook your head in attempts to let him know it was okay. Even if he was drunk and probably wouldn’t remember this conversation tomorrow morning, you savored every minute you got to talk with him. It didn’t matter to you that you had to wake up in just a few hours to get ready for school. Mark was your main focus in the moment and it made your heart flutter knowing he wanted to talk to you even if his mind wasn’t completely all there.

“It’s fine Mark. I want to talk to you. How’s Paris so far? And how much did you have to drink?” He shrugged.

“You already know that no matter how amazing these cities are, they have no meaning to me without you by my side. I can’t completely enjoy the so called “city of love” without the love of my life with me. I had a few glasses of wine. No big deal. I’m fine baby. Don’t worry about me.” You heard some shuffling coming from behind him and smirked when both Jinyoung and Yugyeom appeared on the screen.

“Hey y/n. Mark’s drunk because he misses youuuuu. He won’t stop crying over you. It’s honestly so disgusting how cute the two of you are. Why is it so dark? Where are you?” Jinyoung shoved the younger boy out of the frame and waved at you.

“Sorry about them y/n. We just got back from a wine tasting and as usual, all of the guys excluding me and Youngjae are drunk. I’m sorry if Mark woke you up. And as much as I hate saying this, Yugyeom is right. Mark wouldn’t stop talking about you and how much he misses you as we were walking around. That boy is head over heels in love with you y/n—ow! What? It’s not like she doesn’t already know.” Heat immediately rose to your cheeks and you felt yourself smiling widely at Jinyoung’s sudden outburst. No matter how many times Mark told you he loved you, hearing someone else say it sent fire to your bones.

“Okay, can you guys leave my girlfriend and I alone now? I’d like to talk to her without you idiots interrupting us.” The two boys scoffed while saying their goodbyes, leaving you and your boyfriend to yourselves. You could tell with the way he was furrowing his brows and sighing every so often that something was bothering him and you wouldn’t be able to sleep without knowing everything was okay with him.

“What’s on your mind my love?” He pouted slightly before repositioning his body so that he could lean in to his palm while talking to you.

“I um—I’ve been having a rough couple of days I guess. There’s so much going on and so many people are telling me how to live my life and they’ve been giving me their opinions of how I can better myself as an idol I guess—I’m sick of it. I know I’m considered to be the polite and quiet one, but at the same time I’m tired of people taking advantage of me and walking all over me like I’m nothing. As if I don’t have feelings myself. And it makes things worse that you’re not here with me to make all of this shit go away.” It didn’t take you long to notice the tears building up at the brim of his eyes and it was times like this that you really wish you were with him at the moment. Your boyfriend was a very sensitive guy, something you loved a lot about him.

There were times that the two of you would be lying together in bed with his arms wrapped tightly around your waist and his face buried in to the crook of your neck. These were the times, in the wee hours of the morning that Mark would pour his soul out to you. 3:00 in the morning heard all of his secrets, worries, inconsolable sobs and upsetting confessions. Although it hurt seeing Mark so fragile and vulnerable, those were some of your favorite times spent with him because you were the only one who got to see moments like that. You were the only one who got to see Mark 100% raw, emotional, frustrated with life and as much as you despised seeing Mark so upset, especially because you knew he deserved nothing but happiness, you were extremely grateful that he trusted you with his inner demons.

You wanted nothing more than to reach out to him and pull him in to your arms, letting him know that everything was going to be okay. But all you could do was listen, and tear up with him.

“I really want you to hold me, kiss me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I’m sorry baby. I didn’t want to burden you with my problems when I know you have a lot of your own. And I’m sorry for being away all the time. That’s another thing that’s bothering me. I can’t stop thinking about how I’ve been a shit boyfriend and how you deserve better. You deserve the entire world and more y/n, I cannot fathom this enough. Sometimes I’ll lie in bed and think about how you’re all alone, and I can’t stop being plagued by the thought of you suffering all by yourself. The thought of you crying over how stressed you are with work and school breaks my heart. Have I ever thanked you for all that you do for me? For everything you had to sacrifice in order to be with me? For all those late nights and early mornings you had to stay up just to talk to me while I was away? I hate nothing more in this world than being away from you. The distance fucking sucks y/n. If I could fly, I’d come right back home to you. You know that right? I would do anything for you. Be anything you want me to be. Hell, if I could, I’d drop everything in order to spend the rest of my life with you. I don’t know what I did to deserve you, or who I have to thank for bringing you and I together, but I’d do it again every single time if it meant having you in each and every life time. You are my person y/n. I love you with every fiber of my being.”

You were quick to bring your fingers up to your cheeks and wiped away all your tears. One of the only reasons why you weren’t a fan of when Mark drank, was because he was completely honest with you and would say things that made your heart combust. Although he couldn’t really see you, he giggled softly when he heard you sniffling. “You asshole—you made me cry.”

His laughter soon filled your room and you could feel a smile creeping on to your face. Mark’s laugh was contagious. It was one of your favorite sounds in the world and you were pretty sure it could cure cancer. You loved being the cause of it, especially in situations like this where it didn’t seem possible for him to emit such a beautiful sound while he was so upset.

“I—I don’t even know how to respond to that you should honestly become a writer. Leave Kpop and go write a novel or something.” He beamed at you while motioning for you to continue.

“You really have a way with words my love. I’m not going to lie, the distance is extremely hard. I hate not being with you, I’m happiest whenever you’re by my side. All my problems seem to magically disappear by a simple kiss. Just holding your hand gets me to take my mind off of everything negative going on in my life. But I would rather have a long distance relationship with you, than to be in a relationship with someone else I get to see every day. I would sacrifice anything for you, you know that. I don’t care that you’re going to sleep when I’m about to wake up or vice versa, just hearing your voice makes my entire day. The mere thought of you sends a warm feeling in my tummy. Sometimes, I have a hard time believing you’re real; that you exist and that you’re all mine. You’re living out your dream Mark and I am very grateful that I get to see you do what you love so much—“

You heard him mutter something under his breath and you looked up at him in curiosity. “I love you more than anything else on this hell forsaken earth, but yet I’m not doing you. Fucking blows.” You couldn’t help the giggle that fell from your lips and playfully bit your lip. He couldn’t help himself, alcohol did make him brutally honest.

“As I was saying horndog, I’m extremely proud of you. You’re so hard working, extremely talented and have one of the most generous and kindest hearts ever. I’m sorry that people feel the need to voice their unnecessary opinions, and I hate the fact that people take advantage of someone as amazing as you. But you know why the do it right? They’re just jealous. All these people who start rumors and spread hate about you, they’re sitting behind their computers angry with your success because they haven’t accomplished even a third of what you have. The people you work with, your managers, producers, writers and even JYP himself, I know they want what they feel is best for you. But sometimes, keeping their feelings to themselves is what’s best.”

A tear slipped from his handsome face and you wanted nothing more than to kiss it away, but it was just going to have to wait.

“You’re a human being baby. It’s alright to make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. That’s something I hate about the industry. Someone is always going to point out an idol’s flaw that no one else considered a flaw just to make them feel bad about themselves. Idols are painted out to be these perfect individuals, but I think everyone forgets that you guys have feelings. You guys have your problems, worries and insecurities too. Please Mark, don’t let these words get to you okay? Just remember, at the end of the day, you’re getting to perform for your amazing fans who love you dearly alongside your six best friends. That’s all that matters baby. These people sitting behind their phones and computers have nothing better to do than to try and make you feel bad about yourself for no reason. Don’t let them. They love that. Don’t give them the satisfaction knowing their words affect you. And as for your management and all those people who have been targeting and belittling you, just keep practicing hard and improving your craft. Sooner or later, they’ll finally come to their senses and realize the kind of person that you are. You are a special being my love. Remember that.”

Mark was full on sobbing at this point, he didn’t know what he did to deserve you. You would always voice to him how you were insecure about your relationship because you never felt like you were good enough with him. Your boyfriend was surrounded by countless models, actresses and fellow idols and you didn’t think you reached their standards. However, Mark would never fail to remind you both physically and verbally just how much he thought you were the most beautiful girl he’s ever laid his eyes on and how you were the only girl who he’s ever loved before.

You had this effect on Mark, you could walk in to a room crowded with people and his eyes would naturally gravitate towards you. His heart yearned for you and on nights like this, where he was in a different country, thousands of miles away from you, he could only wish he was currently back home, in your apartment wrapped in your embrace as you ran your fingers through his hair. That’s when he was at his most serene. He didn’t care where he was, as long as you were by his side, he felt like he was capable of anything.

Before either of you could speak up, there was a knock on his door. “Mark hyung, it’s time for bed. We need to get up in less than 4 hours and you can’t fall asleep during practice like you did last time. By the way, Yugyeom said you cried like a baby. Y/n, I hope you know how madly in love Mark is with you. My mom says that if a man cries over a woman, he’s in love with her. God, the two of you are so whipped for each other. Ow—Yugyeom warned me about the abuse. I don’t know why I wasn’t prepared for that. Night y/n! We miss you so much! Make sure you’re eating all of your meals and getting enough rest. Talk to you soon.”

Once Bambam left, you gave your boyfriend a broken look, causing him to frown. You were sure your eyes were swollen from the amount of times you’ve cried since answering his phone call over an hour ago. After a few moments, the two of you began to giggle at how puffy and red both your eyelids and cheeks had become. Mark released an exhausted sigh before blowing you multiple kisses. After countless love confessions and promises to call you tomorrow, Mark winked at you and blew you one last kiss. “In just a few more weeks, I’ll be coming home to you baby. Please wait just a little bit longer. I love you.”

As soon as he ended the call, you reached for the airplane ticket to Italy you purchased with the help of your 6 other favorite guys and held it close to your chest. “You’ll be seeing me sooner than you think my love, I can’t wait.”

#got7 imagines #got7 #mark tuan got7 #mark tuan #mark tuan imagines #i miss mark so much #my kpop therapy boy #kpop imagines #kpop drabbles #got7 fluff #got7 preferences #got7 drabbles #did yall hear his new song yet #a fuckin masterpiece #we dont deserve mark tuan #i actually cried #and so did my pussy

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julesby10 · 4 years

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i am easy to find

A/N: Hello again! Here’s a very late ShinoMitsu Week Day 2 entry! Prompt was insecurities / healing, taking care of each other.

Slightly more angsty than last time but hey.

Yet again, took inspiration from one of @tanukified ‘s drawings, but the drawing itself couldn’t be farther from what I wrote oops

Rating: G

Tags: Fluff, almost canon compliant, hurt/comfrt, late at night, insecurities

Summary: Shinobu has a tendency to lose track of time, staying up late into the night to work on her notes. Mitsuri is recovering from an injury at the Butterfly Estate.Mitsuri tries to talk Shinobu out of her self-destructive tendencies, but maybe she isn't ready just yet.

AO3 | FF.NET

The hallways of the Butterfly Estate were shrouded in darkness and silence. It was the middle of the night and Mitsuri was being very careful not to make any noise, to avoid disturbing all the other residents who were, supposedly, still sleeping. She usually wasn’t much of a night owl, but she’d abruptly woken up with this weird sense of uneasiness in the pit of her stomach and felt like she needed to get out of the stifling infirmary.

Honestly, she expected to be the only one awake, but a very small part of her wasn’t surprised when she noticed a blade of light coming from under the door of Shinobu’s private study.

Mitsuri should have really gone back to bed, an early morning was waiting for her and she wasn’t even supposed to be up in the first place. Shinobu had very clearly instructed her to rest as much as possible until her shoulder was fully healed. She could feel the bandages brush against the burned skin, but she also knew why Shinobu was awake and she had no intention of leaving her alone.

She headed for the door and carefully slid it open. The room was mostly dark except for the corner where Shinobu’s desk was, her silhouette outlined by the light of a single lantern. She was still wearing her hashira uniform, her haori neatly placed on its stand on the side when Mitsuri was used to seeing it on her shoulders. She cared so much for it and for a reason.

Seeing her at her desk was far from an uncommon occurrence. Shinobu had a bad habit of overworking herself to the point of almost physically collapsing until someone, usually either Mitsuri or Kanao, forced her to rest, sleep, eat. It was a cycle that seemed very hard to actually break. Plus Shinobu was stubborn as much as she was hardworking.

Mitsuri closed the door behind her and took a few steps into the room, fully convinced Shinobu would hear her, as she always did, and scold her for being there. Nothing happened, though, which was odd in and of itself. She got closer to the point she was standing in Shinobu’s peripheral. Still nothing, Shinobu was silently scribbling away at her notes.

“Shinobu?”

Shinobu jumped up from her chair, her pen falling out of her grip and clattering on the ground. Mitsuri looked down with concern in her eyes. Two buttons of her uniform were undone and her sleeves were rolled up which, to anyone else, would have been small details, easy to miss, but to Mitsuri it was a sign that not everything was at it should’ve been. She could count on one hand the times she’d seen Shinobu with a less than perfect attire. And then there were the bags under her eyes and her chapped lips. It looked like she’d been biting on them.

Mitsuri knew first-hand what self-destructive looked like and, even when Shinobu pretended she had it all under control, sometimes it felt like she really didn’t.

When Shinobu registered that it was only Mitsuri next to her she relaxed.

“Heavens, Mitsuri, you scared me.”

She sighed and brought a hand to her temple with a grimace as if trying to keep a headache at bay. Then she lifted her eyes to Mitsuri again and spoke in a rough voice, lower than her usual pitch. Another sign that she was way too tired to be awake.

“What time is it anyway? And why are you up?”

Her notes were scattered all over her desk, countless sheets of paper filled with neat writing, formulas and dosages that would never make any sense to Mitsuri. In all honesty, few could really understand the complicated chemistry Shinobu treaded around so casually. She’d mastered the craft of making poisons to the point where it had become an art. The art of killing.

“I could ask you the same thing,” Mitsuri said softly, placing her hand on Shinobu’s shoulder, dragging her touch over the stiff muscles in her back. “How long have you been up?”

Shinobu seemed to loosen up her posture slightly.

“I don’t know. Yesterday?”

Mitsuri moved her hand to Shinobu’s cheek and Shinobu leaned into the contact, closing her eyes. The small flame of the lantern cast pretty shadows on her skin, but they only highlighted how pale she was.

“Shinobu, it’s almost dawn , you can’t keep doing this to yourself.”

Silence fell between them. They’d talked about this, how pushing herself to her limits was nothing but dangerous. What if Shinobu was suddenly called on an assignment? What if she was too tired to fight? What if she got injured? What if-

“You know I can’t stop,” Shinobu murmured, breaking the quiet. “This is... the only thing I can do.”

Everyone was aware that Shinobu wasn’t physically strong enough to cut a demon’s head off, but no one had ever held that against her. She was perfect with her poisons so there was no reason for critique. Except she didn’t seem keen on thinking the same.

They did share that trait, being too strict on themselves, but Mitsuri had learned to be forgiving thanks to Shinobu and her words, the way she just cared. She had shown Mitsuri that she had value, as a person and not just as a pretty doll to be given away in marriage, that she had no reason to be ashamed of her body or her eating or anything, really. Mitsuri had learned to not resent her strength, she wished Shinobu could learn to not resent her weaknesses either.

Taking another step, Mitsuri pulled Shinobu into a gentle hug. It was at a weird angle, but Shinobu didn’t seem to mind as she gripped the back of Mitsuri’s nightgown. Mitsuri’s heart ached.

“Oh Shinobu, you are so, so much more than the things you can do. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, how much you mean to me," Mitsuri whispered into her hair.

Shinobu never cried. Shinobu never let down her defenses, except when Mitsuri was there, because Mitsuri was so painfully honest it was hard to hide anything in front of her.

Shinobu didn’t cry, but Mitsuri felt her shake in her embrace, taking deep breaths to calm herself down. The nights that were quiet made it easy to fall apart.

After a few minutes, the room was silent again.

“C’mon,” Mitsuri said, tugging her up and into her arms. "Let's bring you to bed."

Shinobu sighed into the embrace, leaning all her weight into the contact, still careful to avoid Mitsuri’s injured side. If there was one thing Mitsuri was grateful for, it was the way Shinobu had learned, albeit begrudgingly, to lower her walls when it was just the two of them. She loathed feeling weak, yet she allowed Mitsuri to see her when she was not as strong.

“As your doctor, I think you should really go back to the infirmary,” Shinobu murmured in her chest. “But I’ll let it slide this time.”

“As if you’re in any place to say anything about taking care of myself,” Mitsuri retorted, a smile at the corners of her green eyes. The way the light reflected in them was mesmerizing, so much Shinobu could’ve spent the rest of the night like that if only sleep hadn’t been aggressively creeping up her spine. She felt at peace with Mitsuri around.

“Fine, but I’ll need to change your bandages first thing in the morning.”

Shinobu looked beautiful, even with the heavy weight of her worries on her shoulders, even when she was this tired and vulnerable.

“Can’t say no to my doctor, can I?” Mitsuri smiled, then bent down to catch Shinobu’s lips. The kiss was brief, but extremely sweet, as if Shinobu was being careful. Mitsuri didn't have any explanation for that, but, then again, she didn't have an explanation for why Shinobu tasted like flowers either.

When Mitsuri looked again, Shinobu was looking up at her with fondness, a pinch of something Mitsuri couldn't quite recognize in the corner of her amethyst eyes. Sadness maybe?

Shinobu swallowed and her irises seemed to clear. "You know I love you, right?"

Mitsuri smiled softly. "I know," and kissed her again, one hand carefully freeing her hair from the butterfly pin and then placing it on the desk. "And I love you too, so much."

Shinobu smiled then, and Mitsuri knew it was not out of courtesy. It was small, but it was there and it was genuine.

Mitsuri quickly took care of the lantern as Shinobu changed into something that wasn't her uniform. They would need to wake up soon, but it didn't matter, not now. As they lay under the covers, all tangled limbs and warmth, what mattered was that they were together.

As Mitsuri closed her eyes, she noticed the bad feeling that had woken her up was gone.

#shinomitsuweek2020 #shinomitsu #kimetsu no yaiba #demon slayer #shinobu kocho #mitsuri kanroji #kny #kocho shinobu #kanroji mitsuri #kny shinobu #kny mitsuri #kny fic #kimetsu no yaiba fanfiction #my writing

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stammiviktor · 5 years

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yuri on ice & good omens: an analysis

No two shows have ever drawn me in as quickly or as thoroughly as Yuri on Ice and Good Omens. I’d only ever written for two different fandoms before these and, for those other shows, I started watching them young and fell in love slowly. I wrote extensively, but the focus was rarely on romance—usually I was somewhat ambivalent toward the possible pairings, or I liked the pairing only because of a one-sided interest in one of the characters. Up until I got obsessed with YOI two years ago, I thought maybe *I* was ambivalent to romance, which was why falling for Yuri on Ice (and Viktor and Yuuri’s love story) was such a surprise.

Now I feel like something extremely similar has happened with me for Good Omens and Aziraphale and Crowley’s story, and I’m starting to notice a lot of parallels. I think there’s something similar at the core of both shows that has drawn me to them, some fundamental aspects that they share, and I thought I’d share them in case anyone is interested, in this essay I will—

Sections:

Relationship Dynamics

Character Similarities

How the Story’s Told

Main Themes

1) Relationship Dynamics

The main couples are the beating heart of each show, and they actually have a lot of similarities in the ways they love each other.

In both shows, the main couple defies the world’s expectations. Both couples share a similar niche group—elite professional figure skaters in YOI, celestial beings in GO. Within these groups, the main two characters are adversaries, in the case of GO, and competitors (separated by the non-traversable boundary of their difference in skill level, in Yuuri’s mind) in the case of YOI. The relationships they develop with one another are shocking or even taboo to the people in these groups, and even perhaps to the characters themselves in the beginning. But they are drawn together by something important they share, and they just kind of say “screw the world, I love you, you’re mine”.

In both shows, part of the reason they fall in love with each other is that they understand one another on a level that no one else could.

Aziraphale and Crowley are the only celestial beings that love the Earth and humankind the way they do, and over the years they come to enjoy it together, drawn together by this shared appreciation. They also have a lot in common in regards to their situations regarding Heaven/Hell. They each know what it is like to take orders from and report to a Head Office where they don’t feel particularly welcome, understood, or appreciated; to live in the earthly plane in their human bodies for thousands of years; to have no one really understand them; to question the way things are.

Viktor and Yuuri are both VERY dedicated to the ice and have let a lot of their life (and love) pass them by because of it. They had sacrificed a lot and understand the mental toll it can take, for different reasons. They know what it’s like to struggle to accept love, to put on a brave face, and to compete anyway. They understand that drive for perfection that gets them up at 5am six days a week. Yuuri always had a secret drive to beat Viktor and to be the best, though he would never admit it out loud and assumed everyone else would laugh at him if he admitted it—but Viktor immediately was on board with this, and basically said, “Yes, you have what it takes if you gain confidence, let’s get you there”. Viktor, on the other hand, wanted to retire because he was burnt out and nothing surprised or inspired him anymore, but he didn’t think he could. He knew the world would think, “What the hell, you’re at the top of the world, what would you even do if you retired?”—but there was Yuuri saying, “Be my coach!” and not telling Viktor he’s insane for not wanting to skate. He validates him, only pushing him back toward the ice because he sees Viktor longing for it and feels guilty (but not because “You’re the five-time world champion you HAVE to”). They understand and accept one another where the rest of the world would not (or at least it’s perceived that they would not).

They meet each other where they are. This is straight up a line from YOI obviously, but it applies so well to Aziraphale and Crowley’s relationship as well. This isn’t all that different from the last point about understanding one another, but here it’s important that they always try to let this understanding inform their behavior towards the other person.

Viktor, as Yuuri’s coach, attempts adjust to his approach to meet Yuuri’s needs. He sees the hang-ups Yuuri has and helps him resolve them (being convinced he can’t do “Eros”, thinking he’s a failure and lacking confidence, etc) instead of just blindly pushing him forward. Yuuri, who previously isn’t shown to be a very touchy person while sober (he doesn’t even hug his mom when he returns home after five years), welcomes and reciprocates Viktor’s touch (which seems to be his love-language, so to speak). Yuuri doesn’t belittle Viktor for his insecurities (like the whole hair thinning issue), just apologizes when he accidentally offends him and only points out the issues again in a sweet gesture (ep7) that means “I see your shortcomings and I still accept you”. They don’t make each other conform to their expectations. They definitely have misfires in communication (aka the “let’s end this” and the “I’ll step down as your coach” scenes) but it’s because they’re trying too hard to meet each other where they are while their understanding of one another is still developing.

Crowley is maybe the definition of meeting Aziraphale where he is— he understands Aziraphale, knows what makes him tick, know he relies on philosophical logic to justify his actions. Whenever he proposes something (like stopping Armageddon or their Arrangement) he works through it logically and doesn’t belittle Aziraphale for his hesitance—he just reframes the suggestion. He doesn’t belittle Aziraphale for things like being a bit neurotic about the paintball stain, or his love of his book collection; when he breaks the news to Aziraphale about the fire (twice), he is so delicate and looks so sad for him. And Aziraphale, despite the whole “You go too fast for me” thing, still meets Crowley where he is, even if he plays dumb sometimes (after all, he does get on board the plot to raise and later kill the antichrist, and the decision to give Crowley holy water). He never ever uses Crowley being a demon as a way to claim he is somehow morally inferior or unforgivable in order to win an argument; he values Crowley for who he is (damned or not). He pushes Crowley by calling him “nice” only because they both know it’s true, and Crowley needs to own up to that in the same way Aziraphale needs to learn to stand up to Heaven. They do this lovely little dance around each other as their relationship develops, respecting one another, getting to know one another and the ways they fit together and it is beautiful.

They just... are so in love with each other in such a healthy way. The way they look at each other with stars in their eyes (there are so many scenes in both shows, but just compare the kiss scene in YOI episode 7 to the 1941 Blitz scene as they stand in the rubble of the church in GO ep3—the looks in their eyes!!). It’s Mutual Pining Up The Wazoo and there is just so much tenderness in the way they love each other. They also each value the things the other person loves (Viktor values and Hasetsu/the Katsukis/Katsudon, Yuuri values Makkachin and Viktor’s skating, Aziraphale and Crowley value each other’s earthly possessions and vices (the Bentley, the book collection, the paintball’d jacket, delicious food). And finally they both take great joy in each other’s happiness and success.

2) Character Similarities

All of these characters have a ton of depth. They’re complex and flawed, some of them in similar ways.

Yuuri and Aziraphale are anxious kings of cognitive dissonance; they both hold a lot of contradicting things as true and have to find a way to resolve them in order to develop as characters and in their relationships.

In Yuuri’s case, the illogical nature of his anxiety is key. He knows he is objectively a great skater, he’s among the top ten male singles skaters in the world and he qualified for a competition that only takes the top six, but he also feels like an imposter, a “dime-a-dozen” competitor, and he constantly downplays his success and his skill level. Also, in the parking garage scene, he is terrified that Victor secretly wants to step down as his coach, yet he admits a second later that he knows that it’s not true (which I’ve seen people who experience anxiety say is common). Yuuri feels weak and yet he knows he’s strong. He is anxious at the prospect of failure and feels keenly the sacrifices others have had to make for him, and feels like he has a lot to lose even while he doesn’t think his career has been successful.

Aziraphale is also very good at living with contradiction. For 6000 years, he has been holding on very tightly to the faith that God and Her Plan are Just, and all doubts about this can be chocked up to Ineffability. And yet at the same time, he knows Crowley, a demon cast out from Heaven by God Herself, is fundamentally good. After being friends with Crowley so long, he knows that casting him out was cruel. He knows that wiping out an entire population in the Flood was cruel; knows that Heaven and its angels, and even God, can be just as horrible as demons. Aziraphale has known this from the very Beginning, of course: he gave away his flaming sword, a weapon of righteousness bestowed by God Herself, to the beings God has just cast out for sinning. He loves God, wants to follow Her and believe that She is a being of goodness and love, but he also clearly sees Her destruction and hypocrisy and he’s perfectly willing to act against Her even as he claims She has his allegiance. He has immense sympathy for humans, something he’s not necessarily supposed to feel, but he thinks it’s the right thing to do so he does it. He is just holding onto hope that the right thing to do (the compassionate, empathetic, kind thing to do) is what is going to prevail in the Ineffable Plan. He’s very anxious that his own actions are or aren’t in line with the “good” and he agonizes over that. He feels that he has a lot to lose.

So, it’s only once Yuuri and Aziraphale resolve these mental hangups, these contradictions, that they are able to grow as people and in their relationships. Yuuri gains confidence and starts to undervalue himself less and see himself as worthy of Viktor’s time, and Aziraphale finally rejects Heaven’s demands and stands for what he knows, without a doubt, is good.

Yuuri and Aziraphale are the epitome of the “looks like a cinnamon roll but is actually a sin-namon role” trope. At first glance, they seem like adorable softies to be protected at all costs, but in reality they are as tough as nails and really don’t need any protection at all.

Yuuri is a tie-grabbing, Eros-laden menace. He is fiercely competitive, the take-no-prisoners type when it comes to his own skating. This is a man who left his family, friends, and beloved dog behind at eighteen to live in a foreign country speaking a foreign language and working his ass off for five years without even letting himself go home. This is a man who skates competitively (a very mental sport) in front of hundreds of thousands of people even with crippling anxiety. He’s a sweetheart but he is tough.

Aziraphale, according to a reliable source, is “just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing”. He will stand up to God for the things he loves, will gleefully stick it to some Nazis and allow them to be killed in a bomb blast, will steal the holiest holy water out from under Heaven’s nose, will perform demonic acts as part of the Arrangement for the sake of convenience, will possess a woman, will maybe actually almost kill a child, will splash holy water around at some terrified Demons and demand a rubber duck during his would-be execution. Aziraphale is an Angel, but he’s no angel, so to speak.

And now for Viktor and Crowley: they both appear very confident and put together, but are actually very soft and insecure on the inside. They are the characters you start out thinking, “Wow this guy is so confident and he’s got so much swagger,” but it’s revealed that they are actually very soft, unsure of themselves, and (probably) have something in their past that hurt them.

We don’t know much about Viktor’s past, and as much as I want him to have loving parents, it is very possible based off of s1 that that is not the case. The way he hides himself behind a mask and tries to conform himself to what he thinks other people want could come from a lifetime in the spotlight, or from neglectful parents as well. His behavior speaks of abandonment issues to me, especially the way he tries to handle Yuuri’s breakdown in the parking garage. No matter his past, he’s got some issues behind that confident smile he presents to the world. He’s lonely, afraid of the future, and not quite sure who he is.

Crowley is... probably self-explanatory in this regard. He presents this front of a definitely-not-nice-confident-demon, but in reality he’s *shudder* nice. He refuses to do anything evil (like kill children, or honestly anything more than mildly frustrating people), and he has serious abandonment issues of the divine-parental sort that he takes out on potted plants.

3) How the Story’s Told

In the context of the series as a whole, both love stories unfold in similar ways that encourage fan engagement.

Despite having two fairly clear main characters, both shows are dominated (in terms of screen-time) by assorted other characters and storylines. In YOI this starts on the back half of the show once the competitions begin and we are introduced to a huge ensemble of other skaters and their programs; in GO, this happens pretty much from the beginning with all of the various side characters and plots that lead up to the Apocalypse. This leaves somewhat limited screen-time for relationship development in both shows (which total around 4-5 hours each).

Because of this, there is a lot that happens off screen in both shows. In YOI, we have the famed Summer of Mutual Pining of which we only get a couple of glimpses; in GO, we have Six-Thousand Years of Mutual Pining that we only see bits and pieces of as well. When we catch back up with the characters, a lot has undoubtedly happened—they get much more comfortable with one another, and in YOI ep7 Viktor says “Should I just kiss you or something?” almost as if they’ve done that before; in GO ep3 in the Globe Theater scene, Crowley references their Arrangement as if they’ve already started helping each other out long before then. The audience is left out of a lot (big examples being Viktor’s POV/the banquet reveal in YOI, and the Body Swap reveal in GO) and left guessing on the infinite possibilities for those moments we didn’t get to see.

And so in both stories, you get a handful of very important relationship scenes spread throughout the show intermixed with other characters and plot. These moments are so rich in subtext and other between-the-lines meaning. How many metas have you seen analyzing every word of the engagement scene in ep10 of YOI, or the parking garage scene in ep7? How many analyzing the “you go too fast for me, Crowley” scene in ep3 or the bandstand “we can go off together” scene in GO? These moments are open to so much viewer-engagement, to analysis and reinterpretation and re-contextualization. These scenes can be read so many different ways but that’s how real life works, isn’t it? We don’t always just say exactly what we mean. Conversations are loaded with subtext and shared experience and preconceptions and the dialogue isn’t always easy to understand, and that’s wonderful.

These important scenes can sometimes be hard to connect to each other just by virtue of how spread out and between-the-lines then tend to be. But it’s not because they are poorly written or opaque— it’s because there is a lot happening off screen and in their heads that you need to figure out and connect. With the way the shows are structured, with immensely meaningful moments peppered throughout with a lot of stuff in between, there’s a lot to unpack. But this is also part of what makes both shows so engaging—by nature they welcome metas, headcanons, fanfiction, and other fanworks to fill in the gaps. I can’t tell you how many fill-in-the-gaps fics I’ve read for YOI that connect the exact same moments in canon, but each is so unique. I’m sure the same can be said for GO.

4) Main Themes

The most obvious overall similarity between these shows is that they both center around love stories between two (mostly-)male(-presenting) beings in genres where this is rare. But to call this a superficial comparison misses some important, deeper similarities.

Both exist in a narrative without homophobia and their love is so normalized. The love stories (between two men in YOI, and between two genderless celestial beings played by male actors) are never reduced to or defined by their sexualities or genders. Yuri on Ice is a love story between two men that is just straight up set in a world without homophobia. In GO, there are bits where outsiders allude to Crowley and Aziraphale’s relationship being romantic (Uriel calling Crowley Aziraphale’s “boyfriend”, and the man on the street after their fight saying “You’re better off without him”), but unlike a lot of other shows/movies this isn’t played for laughs—if there is a joke, it rests on the strangeness of applying such banal human terms to their six-thousand years of illicit celestial-being-companionship. Their relationships are treated so respectfully and beautifully and it’s so refreshing.

At the same time, the narratives are still very tied into LGBT+ experiences. People who can speak to this much better than I can have already analyzed this in detail; I’ve seen so many metas about how GO can easily be read as a queer allegory of accepting yourself and letting yourself love who you love, despite what your family (aka Heaven) might think. Yuri on Ice hits a lot of the same points. They are both stories about learning to give love and accept love, unapologetically.

Love itself is also a central theme of both stories, and not just romantic love between the leads. It’s also about Crowley and Aziraphale’s enduring companionship, their love for the Earth/humanity, and their love of God (in a complicated way). It’s about Adam loving the world, his friends, his family, and his dog. It’s about and Newt and Anathema, and Shadwell and Madame Tracy. Yuri on Ice is about Victor and Yuuri, but it’s also about the Katsuki family and friends’ love and support. It’s about loving and taking pride in your craft. It’s about Yuri’s agape with his grandfather and his relationship with Viktor and Yuuri, the skaters he looks up to. And yes, it’s about Michele and Sara’s and Georgi and Anya’s love, too. These shows are not shallow romances. Their scope is huge.

They are fundamentally happy and optimistic stories, despite dealing with very real and very serious problems. Good Omens is about the freaking apocalypse and Yuri on Ice deals with mental health issues. They could have been very gritty and dark and tragic, but they aren’t—they’re the polar opposite and are, imo, all the more impactful for it.

And at the heart of both shows is a common theme: overcoming who you think you have to be by choosing the life you want to lead and the love you want to surround yourself with. They both end with the main couple sharing a more intimate moment than ever and looking forward to a future of endless possibility that they have worked hard to shape... And then moving forward together.

tl;dr - There might be a reason so many of us have found ourselves drawn over and over again to both of these stories...

#I'm really not sure what happened and who knows if anyone is interested but! here we go #sorry if tumblr eats the formatting on mobile :((#meta #yuri on ice #yoi #good omens #go #victuuri #viktuuri #victuri #aziraphale #crowley #ineffable husbands #victor nikiforov #yuuri katsuki #katsuki yuuri #katsuki yuri #viktor nikiforov #my writing

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helsaguy · 4 years

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hi i love frozen and just found your blog and was hoping you could answer some questions because i see a lot of stuff on your blog that surprises me and that i haven't known. i hear rumors of some course correct going on but i was wondering if this is true and how people know this? what would happen? did they really think to redeem hans at one point? where did they talk about how they got hans' actor to come back? can helsa become canon with honeymaren and people wanting elsa to be gay?

If you love Frozen, I’m afraid you find my blog at a dark time. As I no longer consider myself a Frozen lover. Yes, I still hold some good old memories from the first film but all my love and respect goes to Helsa (Elsa and Hans). I love Elsa, I’m a Hans fan, and a Helsa shipper forever and always. None of those categories include me being a Frozen fan. And I don’t even want to talk about my extreme hatred toward- I don’t even feel like typing the title of that forsaken sequel.

Having said that I’ll try to respond as much as I can, as much as I know, and as much as I heard.

I’m going to add a cut here because this is a very long message. Like 1900 words long.

I have a little of an idea about those “some course correct” you talk about. But first of all; I don’t think anything is confirmed. It all started most likely with this video #StarsInTheHouse #30: Bobby Lopez, Kristen Anderson-Lopez, Santino Fontana, Josh Gad, Jonathan Groff. If you go to ‘1:07:50′ you hear Kristen Anderson-Lopez mention “Frozen 3″ but nothing is really said about a third movie happening. I think someone asked if there was a wedding somewhere. And Kristen says that’s Frozen 3. So I assume she’s talking about a Kristanna wedding happening for Frozen 3. Then again I don’t even know if they are being serious or they are just playing around talking about a Frozen 3 that is not in the making.

Josh Gad then jumps saying that ‘he won’t come back for a Frozen 3 if Santino Fontana doesn’t come back.’ Josh says that Santino has to come back. Santino either is touched by Josh’s words or he plays being touched by Josh’s words. Then Kristen says that there are a lot of angry people on the internet complaining about the same thing; I assume she means Santino not coming back for the sequel. And Robert adds that some people complain or blame the Anderson-Lopez for that? But the couple says they had nothing to do with that. Jennifer is the main culprit. Santino seems to appreciate that people want him back but comments about being hard to do so after “hanging a sword over a girl’s head” and he goes to talk about him now being father to a girl. Josh Gad goes to talk about how Darth Vader tried to kill both his children and he still was redeemed, meaning that there’s still hope for Hans.

And here I have to say that people seriously need to stop with the idea that Hans is this demon that came from Hell because they couldn’t be more wrong. This whole thing of Hans being an “Irredeemable monster” is so f*cking stupid and so f*cking forced. I’m so sure it came right from Jennifer Lee’s a** to spite fans. There are thousand of Disney villains, real villains, who are real monsters. Who have done far worse than Hans. But Hans is the one getting this absurd amount of hate? Are they f*cking kidding me?

I don't hold anything of importance said on that video as set in stone. But anyone who wants or needs to think there is truth in that conversation can come to the conclusions of:

A Frozen 3 could happen. I think anyone knew already that if this franchise keeps being popular, Disney would figure out a way to make a third film. Because all they care about is dirty money. Personally I'm only interested in a third film if they bring back Hans, redeem him, and have Helsa happening at-freaking-last. If they are going to make a third film all about Kristanna getting married and Elsa being treated like an immaculate supernatural being in the forest, all the while Hans keeps being forgotten and mocked for some cheap laughs, Jennifer Lee and her crew can very well go f*ck themselves with a giant cactus for all I care. That's just my personal opinion. My very strong personal opinion.

Josh Gad and the Lopezes, mostly Josh Gad, want Santino Fontana back. Which at that I’d like to think it is because they see how much he is missed and they know his character has so much to give. Also I would like to believe they are talking this way for the sake of the fans. Hans not coming back at all is one of the main reasons for why I’m beyond pissed at the Frozen sequel and I know I’m not the only one feeling this way.

“What would happen?” I don’t know what you mean by that.

“Did they really think to redeem Hans at one point?” Definitely yes. And this is the interview that gave many Hans fans, me absolutely included, hope 6 years ago. Jump to ‘minute 17′ and they start talking about the Frozen sequel. Santino got in contact with the writers to see if he was going to be in the new film and - I’m really feeling like insulting the writers right now. But I won’t because I have to focus on the fact that it is the directors and not the writers calling the shots - the writers tell Santino that they want to bring him back and redeem him. This has been known for years and the fact that Hans’ “participation” in the sequel turned out to be f*cking nothing, is a huge problem for me. A very huge problem. If there’s not foam coming out of my mouth right now, I’m sure that at least my blood is boiling in my veins.

I’ve read more about the dropped redemption plot from @leepunzel. But I don’t know how reliable she or “her source” really is. So it’s up to you if you want to ask her more about this.

"Where did they talk about how they got Hans' actor to come back?” I don’t know where you get “Santino coming back” is a fact. Like I said, I don’t think anything of that Stars in the House video is official. As far as I know there’s been talks about a “Frozen 3″; I’ve seen people on YouTube who have access to press information drop the title, “Frozen 3″. But nothing is fully official or confirmed yet.

Also, 6 years ago Santino was ready to come back. Now? I don’t see him that convinced if the opportunity presents. Which, being brutally honest, I find truly sad. Painful even. I want Santino Fontana to come back. Hans’ redemption and Helsa are the only things that would make me want to give my money to Disney again. But I don’t blame the actor if for whatever reason he doesn’t come back if this “third movie” ever happens. God, there’s nothing I want more than for Hans’ redemption and Helsa to happen. Disney can come up with all the animated movies and live action remakes they want. But all I want, all I need, all I care about is Hans’ redemption and Helsa. Nothing more. Nothing less.

“Can Helsa become canon with *one*m*r** and people wanting Elsa to be gay?” Yes. Personally I don’t care about the new characters. They could be dropped and completely forgotten for a third movie and I seriously wouldn’t care. I think most people wouldn’t care. None of the new characters are relevant or important. And I think the only new characters people really care or talk about are the fire and water spirits anyway. I dare say that Helsa happening has even more chances of succeeding because that would be a compelling story and it wouldn’t cause the film to be banned in other countries. Besides, every time Disney (or Pixar) has come up with LGBT characters in their films they always seem to get backlash. It’s clear that it doesn’t matter how much Disney tries to insert an LGBT character, it just doesn’t work in a positive way. That’s what I’ve seen anyway. Very few people show their approval at the revelations while most only critique, bash, and complain. And I doubt very much Disney wants Elsa to be victim of that kind of treatment. While if Helsa happens, the story will obviously have to show how Hans really doesn’t want to be “the monster everyone thinks he is” and they would show how Hans and Elsa really grow to care for each other. Could something like that generate backlash? In my opinion it shouldn’t. Maybe a little? But it really shouldn’t. However I’m convinced that story would be beautiful.

"If we get Frozen 3 what do you think will happen and what do you think they can do with the characters with where they are right now?”

If Frozen 3 happens, I will always want nothing more than what I have already stated several times. But I really don’t trust the directors and writers. So I have no idea what they will do. Probably come up with bad ideas and poor development and characterizations like they have done already in the sequel. It’s going to be super hard for them to come back from that fiasco in my eyes.

What do I think they can do with the characters? First of all I think they should break Kristanna up. There’s this deleted scene from the sequel where Kristoff actually has a serious character arc that involves him being insecure or uncomfortable living a “royal life” and I think it hints at Anna thinking that maybe they shouldn’t be together? I think that’s neat. I think I haven’t seen that in a while in a Disney movie. The last time I saw a couple deciding they shouldn’t be together was at the end of Pocahontas 2. But not many pay attention to that direct-to-video sequel xD Quite frankly the whole idea of Kristoff being married to a queen and having to live as a royal is one of the most uncomfortable things the sequel came up with. I can’t imagine for the life of me that Kristoff is the type of character that would want something like that. For a character like Aladdin that story works. He wanted the life in a palace style and I loved how in the live action movie it is clear that Jasmine is the one who wants to rule the kingdom and Aladdin just wants to be there for her as her right hand. But as much as I imagine Kristoff wants to be there for Anna, the palace life doesn’t suit him. He never expressed wanting that life. And the same goes with Anna wanting to be queen. That’s not the life she wanted either. The whole “Anna being queen” thing did ruin Kristanna for me.

Hans is easy because he is a resourceful and adaptable character. To me his home lies with Elsa. If Elsa stays in the forest, Hans can adapt. I would imagine he would even adapt faster than Elsa to that life. If Elsa goes back to Arendelle, Hans definitely has things he could do. He could want to take a simple job as a commoner if he doesn’t have his royal title anymore. He could go for a military position as he already has military training. Or he could be taken as an advisor for either Anna or Elsa (if Elsa wants to take back the responsibility she literally dumped on her sister’s shoulders), as Hans has shown aptitudes as a diplomat and leader. He could be a big help for the inexperienced Anna, or he could help lift some of those duties from Elsa’s shoulders when she feels she needs some time out for her sake. Hans is more valuable as an ally than an enemy. And the directors were seriously stupid when they decided to keep him out. No wonder Hans wanted to “find his own place” in Arendelle. He really does have so much good to offer.

Something also interesting, although too political maybe, would be the "what if" Anna and Elsa want to end the monarchy? What if Elsa doesn’t want to be queen again and Anna doesn’t want to be either? Maybe Anna remembers she actually wants to have an outdoors life with Kristoff, or she just doesn’t find herself as queen? I honestly think that job will consume her. What if Elsa and Anna come up with an idea to turn Arendelle into a democracy or whatever? Both sisters would be free to do and go wherever they want.

This last option is the most unlikely to work, but who knows. Disney could find a way to not make it sound so political.

#frozen 2 #frozen 3 #santino fontana #helsa #future of frozen #my pov #dfg musings #dfg answers

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redwylde · 4 years

Note

EVERY. MATSU. For the ask thing~

I Am Going To Beat You To Death

Osomatsu

>SEE PREVIOUS ASK

Karamatsu

Favourite Thing About Them

He's so genuinely kind and caring, a bad boy with all the attributes of punk but not a bland ass edgy caricature.

Also THE STAFF CONFIRMED THAT HE'S NOT FAKING ANYTHING, EVERYTHING HE IS NOW IS A PRODUCT OF HIS OWN SELF-LOVE AND I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER.

Least Favourite Thing About Them

He doesn't go ape shitt enough. Why won't they let him KILL. (S2 stumped whatever I would've originally put here, I'm so happy)

Favourite Line

This absolute goldmine of a line here.

brOTP

YOU GUESSED IT, IT'S CHOUKEI

but also 💙 S 💚 U 💙 I 💚 R 💙 I 💚 K 💙 U 💚

OTP

I don't have one, but do you ever think about how Kara leaned in to kiss Iyami (Iyayo) and Iyami was just going to let it happen, I do.

nOTP

Ugly Flower ass bitch.

Random Headcanon

Every so often Kara likes to doodle when he feels like it. He has a sketchbook full of doodles and studies of his brothers, who he draws when they're all just lounging around the house. As such they're all in sitting or lying positions and he's able to capture their personalities in each doodle. There's a handful of pages that are just studies of Oso, reclining on the couch reading a comic, sleeping at the kotatsu or any number of things.

Unpopular Opinion

Kara exists outside of Ichi and all of his development/angst potential does not revolve around his relationship with Ichi.

Song I Associate Them With

Yours If You Want it by Rascal Flatts

Favourite Picture Of Them

Honestly, I love waaaaaaayyy too many pictures of Kara to even think about picking one but this shot from NeetPro is a high contender. I ALWAYS love seeing Kara wearing his Perfect Fashion and this picture does a great job of capturing his whole personality at once.

Cool man but with gentle eyes. He smiles, stands non-threateningly and just looks so serene. I cry.

Choromatsu

Favourite Thing About Them

He is actually a very kind and nurturing soul trapped in an anxious body and people need to appreciate this side of him more. He doesn't take Totty to the bathroom or offer his brothers his shoulder to cry on for any reason other than he genuinely wants to be of help. We all know he's strong enough to yeet them if he wanted to.

Least Favourite Thing About Them

BABY HATES HIMSELF SO MUCH, MY LOVEY PLEASE GIVE YOURSELF REST. I swear you're fine as you are.

Favourite Line

"Shit. I wasn't able to stop their Ferris Wheel Tyranny" - Tabimatsu Event

brOTP

SUIRIKU!! And 💚 W 💛 A 💚 K 💛 A 💚 B 💛 A 💚

OTP

CHORODAYO CHORODAYO CHORODAYO CHORODAYO CHORODAYO CHORODAYO THEY DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THEY GOT.

WHY ARE YOU ALL SLEEPING ON THE BEST WOMAN WHO ISN'T MATSUYO IN CHORO'S LIFE??

nOTP

ChoroNyaa.

Random Headcanon

Choro raises succulents and it makes him feel happy because he's able to put his energy into nurturing something and watching it grow. It makes him feel better about himself because he gets to see something beautiful thrive because of his love and care! It's a positive and therapeutic feeling and it always makes him feel better when he's sad or anxious.

Unpopular Opinion

It's almost 2020 and we still have to say that Choro is not more perverted or cursed than any of the other brothers. They have all had poorly aging jokes at least once in the show by now. It's a shock humour comedy and we KNOW that they fluctuate almost every episode. We rely entirely on translated subtitles that are never going to be 100% accurate.

Song I Associate Them With

Verge by Owl City and Aloe Blacc

Favourite Picture Of Them

This is basic I know but I swear this is not for a thirsty reason lmao

Choro is ALWAYS always drawn very moe and cute (partly due to Asano-san's influence as head illustrator) so his appearances in official art are (usually) very childlike in nature imo. So when the staff released this series of images it hit me like a truck because he looks really mature here?? It's a really good look for him, Mature Choro is not a thing we get a lot of (Kara occupies the Sexy box and Oso gets all the mature atmosphere just because he's the eldest) so this picture really sticks with me, I just love how grown up he looks.

Ichimatsu

Favourite Thing About Them

He's a very perceptive and very mindful boy. I can't explain why but I love how good he is at reading the room and people's emotions. A lot of the time it means he can speak up for others if they're too afraid to be honest or cant understand their feelings.

Least Favourite Thing About Them

Nothing that comes to mind! (S2 fixed this as well lmao)

Favourite Line

"ARE YOU A COMIC? YES, GOOD JOB!~"

brOTP

Parka!! Or 110!!

OTP

No OTP for Ichimacchan.

nOTP

YanaIchi. Sorry guys.

Random Headcanon

Ichi is on the aroace spectrum and is romance repulsed. His relationship goal in life is just to remain as close to his brothers as he is now. So long as he has his brothers and his 12 million cats, he's good.

Unpopular Opinion

Ichi is not just Edgy McFurry and I wish people would focus more on the rest of his personality, which is actually a very kind but insecure boy. Also the next time I see someone describe him as a tsundere I'm gonna start swinging.

Song I Associate Them With

Demon Kitty Rag bg Katzenjammer

Favourite Picture Of Them

(Is this technically my favourite picture of Choro HFJFHDJFJJF I LAUGHED AT THIS FOR MONTHS ON END WHEN THIS EPISODE AIRED)

Jyushimatsu

Favourite Thing About Them

A very smart and supportive boy!

Least Favourite Thing About Them

He vores people and gets away with it, when will he recieve the jail time he deserves.

Favourite Line

This. Just this, I scream every fucking time.

brOTP

KINNIKU!!! KINNIKKUUUUUUUUU!!!! 💙💛💙💛💙💛💙💛💙💛💙💛💙💛

OTP

Can you believe it's not JyushiHomu?

nOTP

Don't think I have one?

Random Headcanon

I'm not sure if this has been mentioned in canon but I love the idea that Jyushi really likes fish and marine life! Crabs, cephalopods and the nautilus are his favourites!

Unpopular Opinion

He IS actually smart and extremely conniving, he is not all volume, do not trust this man lmao

Song I Associate Them With

Brotherswing by Caravan Palace

Favourite Picture Of Them

I don't actually have a lot of pictures of Jyushi but I will never not love this picture of him carrying Choro-chan to safety.

Todomatsu

Favourite Thing About Them

He loves and will die for his family. He has a really loving heart.

Least Favourite Thing About Them

I know WHY he does it but sometimes he sets his brothers up to fail completely and I'm like WHY, NO ONE WAS EVEN FIGHTING WITH YOU LITTLE SHIT lmao

Favourite Line

"It's actually really fun being sextuplets"

brOTP

110 and, at times, Cyber!

OTP

Nothing.

nOTP

Y'all gonna hate me after these. AtsuTodo.

Random Headcanon

Totty is an extroverted introvert (I think that's the term) and that's why he prefers to do some things on his own, like exercising and going on trips, but doesn't mind socialising wih a select group of people i.e his brothers, his friends.

Unpopular Opinion

He's not at all cute.

Song I Associate Them With

I don't actually have one for him yet, sorry about that!

Favourite Picture Of Them

#I'M FINALLY DONE GOD I'M SO SORRY #YOU MADMAN #I SWEAR TO GOD #storm.answers

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happiness4jane · 5 years

Text

The Scariest Thing I’ve Ever Done

Subscribe to post at www.happinessforjane.com. Share if you’re moved to!

Well, this is terrifying. Paralyzing almost. My hands are literally trembling as I try to punch the letters on my keyboard. When I allow myself to think about the people that might read this. People I know. People I work with. Students I teach. Students I’ve taught. My soon-to-be-in-laws. My exes. Their families (they’ll say, “I told you so!”). My friends. Their friends. My family. My children. All 836 of my Facebook “friends” are potential critics. And they’ll share it with even more people that might know me or will know me, that see me around and will avoid making eye contact with me in Walmart forevermore! When I allow myself to think about that – the people that might read this – every self-doubting, loathing, shaming, insecure demon inside me surfaces in protest. BUT… but. That’s the point, after all. For people to read this. To maybe help others claw their way out of the uncompromising, crippling, and degenerative grasp of the illness known as Bipolar Disorder (no, but seriously, this scares the shit out of me and I can’t breathe).

Here’s the thing though – I shouldn’t be ashamed of it. It isn’t fair we live in a society that shames people with mental illness into silence. That calls us “crazy”. We can’t just snap our fingers and make it go away (but, oh, if I could!). We can’t just act normal, act rational. It’s not something we can tame on command. And we didn’t choose this. Who would choose this?! Who would choose to leave behind a legacy of wreckage? Well, I don’t doubt there are some who’d choose that… As for me, when I think on all the destroyed relationships, the lost jobs, the unfinished projects and departed dreams, the reckless moments that would haunt me for years, the countless days stolen away by infinite darkness… the shame, the shame, the shame – I would never choose this. And yet, despite all the chaos and ruin and regret, it took me about twenty years to get help. Why? The simple answer is, I didn’t want to be Bipolar. I didn’t want people to think I was crazy (Ha! Like they didn’t already!). So, I refused to accept it. I refused to seek treatment. And it got worse. Much, much worse.

About seven months ago, after another life-is-amazing-and-I-don’t-need-to-sleep-and-I’ll-hyper-focus-and-finish-that-novel-and-train-for-that-marathon-and-FUCK!-you-better-stop-getting-in-my-way-or-I’ll-bite-your-damn-head-off-so-feed-yourself elevated state (Symptoms of a manic episode: increased activity, energy or agitation; decreased need for sleep; abnormally upbeat) followed inevitably by a crashing-into-bed-and-plotting-out-the-details-of-my-exit-because-I-just-can’t-live-in-this-world-anymore-and-I’m-worthless-and-horrible-and-you’d-all-be-better-off-without-me depressed state (Symptoms of a major depressive episode: feelings of sadness, emptiness, hopelessness; marked loss of interest in activities; fatigue; feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt; thinking about, planning, or attempting suicide), I sought the help of a counselor. So, what changed, you might be wondering? What made me seek treatment at this point, after shunning it for so many years? Well, it used to be that I had normal periods of time between the depression and the elevation. It used to be fun and ambitious and productive (euphoric but always beguiling) to be elevated. It used to be the depression came maybe a couple times a year. The unwarranted distrust and insecurity and ultra-sensitivity was fleeting. The suicidal thoughts were daunting rather than soothing. That’s what used to be. It was easier to pretend I was normal then. I was just eccentric! I was special! Like some of the greatest artists and inventors and individuals that made history. I was a mad genius just like Salvador Dali, Vincent Van Gogh, Charlie Chaplin, Ben Franklin, Sir Isaac Newton, Michelangelo (Symptom: exaggerated sense of self). I was able to ride that train of twisted thought for a long long time, because I could finish what I started then, because I was younger then, and there was always another job, another lover, another place that would accept me. But around seven years ago, that all began to change. The depression seized more frequently. The elevation became less euphoric and more agitated, even rageful at times – lashing out at and rejecting the people I loved most. I started projects but never finished them. It became more and more difficult to go to work, and when I got there, I had to convince myself out of the car and into the classroom. In the classroom, I felt like an alien. I couldn’t stay on track, couldn’t focus my thoughts (Symptom: rapid and frenzied speaking, racing thoughts). I felt like I was disconnected from everything around me, like I wasn’t real (Symptom: dissociation). And then over the past year, the episodes seemed to be crashing right on top of each another with no reprieve in-between. It was relentless, crippling. One day of unbridled energy followed by two days of extreme irritability followed by one day of bed-ridden depression and then rinse, lather, repeat. Weeks, months, a year like this. The darkness that occasionally consumed my thoughts mutated to a pervasive utter blackness – leaving a void where hope and happiness used to visit. My fiancé pleading with me to get out of bed. My 10-year-old son asking me why I was so angry. My six-year-old daughter saying, “Mommy’s sick again.” I hated myself. I couldn’t pretend I was perfectly healthy – just eccentric – anymore. I was sick. Very sick.

You see, Bipolar Disorder is a degenerative illness, and by denying myself treatment, I had enabled a progression into periods of rapid cycling, meaning I was basically Bipolar on steroids – my depressive and manic moods shifting in a constant unpredictable shitstorm. This is the way it was explained to me by my counselor (in much more eloquent terms). She said that in the same way progressive diseases like Cancer will eventually cause organ failure if left untreated, Bipolar Disorder gradually diminishes brain function if left untreated. Oh, did I mention this conversation took place just a month ago? And, perhaps you remember that I went to see her the first time about seven months ago? No, it didn’t take that long to diagnose me. It took that long for me to commit. I honored my appointments only twice before I disappeared for another two months and then for another five months after that (I was still battling my desperate desire to be “normal”). During those initial appointments, I either purposefully omitted the symptoms of my elevated states, or honestly didn’t know they were elevated states. Hard to tell. On the one hand, for most of my life the elevated states were something to look forward to. They were a tremendous relief since they often followed a long period of depression, or, they were a welcome rush of intense energy and focus and ambition after a period of normal moods and routines. On the other hand, there was a part of me that hoped, if I had to be diagnosed with something, that it be depression and/or anxiety – just not Bipolar, please, not that! For some totally illogical reason, having depression and anxiety seemed more socially acceptable to me. People posted about their depression and anxiety on social media. My students openly discussed their struggles with them in class. Lot’s of people are depressed and anxious! Poor reasoning but, I convinced myself that my elevated states were just “normal” times when I wasn’t depressed. After all, I didn’t behave like someone that was manic. I was nothing like Bradley Cooper’s character in “Silver Linings Playbook”! I didn’t suddenly become totally irrational. I didn’t spend everything in my bank account in some obsessed frenzy. I didn’t abruptly start making good on all my wildest fantasies and desires. I didn’t incoherently speed-talk and jump around from one interest to another. No, it was never that pronounced. Or, was it? I’d certainly been called Bipolar enough in my lifetime – and not in a concerned or encouraging way. More like I was being called a “crazy bitch”. It was a bad word. And I did spend [a lot] more money than I should when I felt “good”. Like, when I bought that boat with a personal loan on a 50% interest rate. Or, when I financed that international trip while negative in my bank account. And on all that professional camera equipment when I decided to be a video editor, and on this website two years ago when I decided to be a blogger (Perhaps, now, I’ll finally make use of it?). And the hundreds of dollars I invested in gear when I was suddenly inspired to run a marathon (but I did follow through on that one, thank you very much!). Oh, right, I guess I do jump around from interest to interest when I’m feeling “inspired”. I’m going to be a motivational speaker, no, a novelist, no, a personal trainer, no, a corporate trainer, no, a filmmaker, no, an entrepreneur, no… the list goes on and on. But these things felt so good. Even though I had to clean up the wreckage whenever I smashed back down on the pavement. The rubble of estranged relationships, busted bank accounts, retired jobs. So yeah, I went with depression and anxiety, masking the symptoms of mania. And I refused medication (because all I really needed to do was get my shit together, not numb myself with zombie-making pills). Until the progression to rapid cycling imprisoned me and I sulked, defeated, back into therapy five weeks ago.

After years and years and years of heartbreak and rejection and confusion and self-loathing and denial and protest, I began taking a daily mood stabilizer and seeing my therapist once a week. It took a couple weeks before there was any discernable change, and after four weeks, the change in my behavior was nothing short of striking. At that point, I realized I hadn’t been swallowed by the black void in three full weeks – a record time in nearly a year. I hadn’t lashed out in rage at anyone either. And the most surprising thing? I wasn’t the living dead. I had heard these nightmare testimonies about people with Bipolar Disorder beginning medication and going numb, like they’d been lobotomized, and that panicked me. I didn’t want to stop feeling, I just wanted to experience my feelings in a regulatory fashion. And I was, for the first time in years. Now, I want to be very careful not to sound like the poster girl for medicating. My strong belief is that we over-medicate in this country (but that’s for another post). No miracle has occurred. I’m not “cured”. In fact, there is no known cure for Bipolar Disorder. It can be managed, with a combination of medication and psychotherapy. Some days are better than others. But every day, I still battle my demons and the life-long conditioning of patterns, emotional reactions, and behaviors. My recovery is a continuous journey where no arrival point exists. But I have hope today. I wake up motivated to get out of bed without needing the boost of mania. I carry out the responsibilities and routines of the day without fighting off panic or becoming despondent. I fall asleep without the “lulling” melody of my own death dancing around my thoughts. Yes, I still get anxious and angry and sad and overly eager. The difference is in the way I’ve responded to those feelings since starting treatment. My awareness of the condition and the symptoms that accompany it, along with my medication, has helped me acknowledge my feelings before acting on them.

I hope it’s not the honeymoon period. I hope it lasts.

It’s early yet.

But if this remarkable change is here to stay [with dedicated treatment], I can’t help but feel frustration with myself for not seeking help sooner. Just to think on all the chaos and anguish I could have spared myself and others… But I’m here now, and perhaps it’s exactly where I’m supposed to be – writing this blog so that you may read it and be inspired to act now. For yourself, or for someone you know, before it’s too late. Make no mistake, this disease does kill. The suicide rate for people with Bipolar Disorder is twenty times that of the general population, and nearly 30% will make a suicide attempt at least once in their lifetime.

Don’t pity me, and please don’t fear me. I’m not very different from you. I have a family, friends, a career, hopes and dreams and struggles and fears. For those of you that know me, I’m still Jen. Maybe I’m even a better Jen – my greater and more genuine self. As a society, we need to reframe the way we perceive and speak about mental illness. Help me promote a fair image for those individuals and families that are afflicted with it – so they won’t suffer in silence. So they get help.

My name is Jen Hogue, and I’m diagnosed Bipolar II. Today, I’m in treatment. I take my medication everyday and see my counselor every week. I have a sense of hope that I haven’t had in far too long. I still don’t know if I’ll be brave enough to publish this. But I hope I will. After all, it’s often in the greatest risks we take that we find our greatest triumphs, and our greatest gifts to one another.

#happiness4jane happinessforjane mentalhealth bipolardisorder bipolar depression anxiety mentalhealthsupport

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diamondsableye · 6 years

Photo

So to celebrate @xdragonloverx‘s big Gijinka reveal on their ask blog, @inquiring-the-stars-above, I decided to introduce mine as well, albeit in a much more silly format. I haven’t mentioned my Gijinkas for the various McGuffins in @askswapsaga yet, and I’m not so sure If I ever would in the future, so now seemed like as good a time as ever to bring them into the light.

I’m going to go into more detail on these guys down below so feel free to read.

Welcome to The Void!

Where nothing matters, interactions aren’t cannon, and the actual cannon is all made up anyways

So these first two belong to @xdragonloverx, the rest being all mine, let’s start off with

This bitch

Anshi (Dark Star)

Is a bitch

Her hair has 5 points, cuz star

Irises turn to slits when feeling extreme emotion

Has a secret love for chocolate

Don’t leave her alone with children, and no, not in the “she’s really irresponsible” kind of way, more so in the “She’ll make them cry and then drink their tears” kind of way

Is a manipulative abusive fuck

Definition of a resting bitch face

Really fucking hates everyone (But especially Volo)

Wears 4″+ heels despite already being 7 feet tall (Insecure much?)

Still only the second tallest out of everyone

Her aesthetic is Gothic nightmares and sadness

Probably uses a flip phone

A tennis ball

Starlow (Starlow)

Still a tutorial

Still overly chipper

Starlow

Anshi is allergic to her

Is doing her best

Shaped like a friend

“Why is the only one here shorter than me an actual child?”

Magical gorl

Probably Binges Sailor moon with Flos on occasion

The only voice of reason

Runs admin on the server, but no one respects her authority

Always comes to arranged gatherings, mostly to keep tabs on things and make sure nothing gets out of hand

Despite this, everything always manages to get out of hand

Alright these next few belong to me In the Super Swap Saga AU/ @askswapsaga

Skele Fuck

Volo (Shadow Star) [Swap of Dark Star]

Is skeleton/zombie/demon thing, basically undead since he’s a black hole, which is essentially a dead star

Is a reality bender and absolutely should not be

Doesn’t ever use his powers cuz sleep is more important

always has bags under his eyes (eye sockets?)

Oldest of the stars, existing for nearly x2 as long as Anshi

Is a mind reader and absolutely should not be

Probably a stoner

Does not give any fucks

Technically eats stars, but he’s chill with this gang

Harasses Anshi like it’s his hobby (it is)

Really fuckin T O L

All of his knowledge is cursed

Banned from the discord server

“Is Myspace still a thing?”

Flos (Dark Bean) [Swap of Beanstar]

All his clothes are custom made by him which is why he looks... the way he does

Only awakens to the voice of a powerful warlord (Swap Bowser in this case) because he’s such a fucking metal head

Too emo/punk/goth for his own good

Has an edgy philosophical connection to mother nature and breeds piranha plants

practices alternative medicine (Like crystals and herbs and shit) and it actually works

Cries easily

Dresses up as anime chicks for cons cuz he’s a weeb, and probably has a body pillow too

has probably done acid before

Volo convinced him to grow Cosmic weed

Basically made Spero his little bro

Fell for Anshi once (Big Mistake)

Plays one of those Harmonica Pianos

Claims to understand “The true meaning of reality”

Uses Tic Toc unironically

Lapis Lazuli recolor

Lucellum (Cobalt Stone) [Swap of Colbalt Star]

Lesbian goddess

The “Cool Aunt” of the group

Most responsible one of the group but that isn’t saying much

Everyone suspects her of secretly being a furry

Sometimes says “owo” out loud ironically

Liked heels until Anshi ruined them for her

Wears a new hairpin every day

Calls Flos out on his drama queen bullshit

Probably has ice powers or some shit, but she’s so hot tempered no one knows for sure

Can effortlessly wear 12″+ heels

Only one on the server with a custom tag

Arranges game nights for the gang

Marshmallow Child

Spero (Dream Star) [Swap of Dreamstone]

Actually is around the same age as Flos, he just suffers from Ash Ketchum Syndrome

Do. Not. Touch. His. Hair.

Flos wears a glove on his hand for a reason (probably because he’s angsty but still)

Is the weakest of the bunch so everyone is super protective of him

Probably has secret demon powers or something, but if he does he’s too much of a smol to use them

Loves fluffy sweaters and soft scarves

Somehow was able to contain Swap Dreambert for several centuries despite his lack of magical strength

Over uses @Everyone in the Discord chat but no one wants to call him out for it

No one is allowed to leave him and Anshi alone unsupervised

Correction, Flos is never allowed to leave Spero and Anshi alone unsupervised

*Giggles Demonically*

Mallum (Nightmare Star) [Swap of Nightmare Stone]

Just kinda jitters to himself in a corner

is technically Spero’s celestial sibling, but let’s not talk about that

Has five mouths, three on his face, two on his neck, the ones covered by his scarf are constantly whispering

Never sleeps and sometimes appears at the foot of your bed during sleep paralysis to feed you a pineapple or some other bullshit fruit

What the fuck even is this mess of a star

Never cuts his hair and always looks scruffy

Quirky as all hell in the disturbing way

Claims he can turn himself invisible through sheer mental will (He can’t)

What the fuck is technology

You have a 50/50 chance on weather or not what this guy is saying has any semblance of sanity to it

Vanishes frequently

Also appears out of nowhere frequently

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d-wntherabbithole · 4 years

Text

For the past 6 months I have done what most would call shadow work. I was put in a situation where I had two chooses. One I can allow the circumstances I am currently in to solidify the unworthiness I feel internally or I can do some deep cleaning. It has been one hell of a ride. I have dug so deep within myself. So many intense experiences but I stuck it out. Why? For myself. For my future self. For the people I love and want to love. Let me make something clear this enlightenment came with so much pain. Pain I was scared to face. I had been running so long when I finally stopped it felt like I was hit my a train.

But now I find myself catching things (even if it takes a while) and truly reflecting. Things I never thought I can do. I am very proud of myself. I am no longer ashamed of my past nor do I cling on to it to victimize myself. Simply now I reflect and have gained so much insight from it all regardless of how painful the lessons were. I AM a better person for it.

Let me start off with how for so long I have always tormented myself with the things others have held over my head, whether it be some mistakes I have made, or things others have done. I have always lived my life with this idea that I always needed to compromise myself and what I want to please other people. Since I could recall I always found myself in situations whether it be family like (my siblings or my parents) or friends even boyfriends where I was always over compensating, always needing to do the most to prove I am worthy of thier love, affection, time, consideration.

Constantly going against the grain of my own heart because I believed if I didn’t I would end up with nothing. I mean I learned this idea from my father, not directly but with his action or should I say lack there of. He abandon my mother and her children not just me. But nonetheless his absence left me in ruins. I was left trying to teach myself what a mans love should look like and I never had good examples. So of course you could imagine how my adolescent and teenage years looked like. After my father and all that truama the second most traumatic experience I had with a “man” was in 4th grade where I had a math teacher that was my tutor after school and on two occasions he molested me. I’ll never forget the words he whispered to me as he did it “ no one will believe you if you tell” he was right. I remember finally confessing to my mom what happen she was anger so we went in for a school meeting. I remember sitting in the room with the principle and expressing what happen and she actually had the nerve to tell me “no honey. I’m sure there is a miss understanding I know him he would never do that” I remember vividly feeling so confused. Thinking to myself maybe she is right it must be me once again I found myself doubting myself. On one hand losing all faith in myself and on the other losing all trust in others. I was this sweet, kind hearted baby girl that felt like she had the world on her shoulders.

The gap between this experience and the next big one was long but definitely not uneventful. Full of hatred from my sibling ( which we’re going through their own suffering but nonetheless this is my truth) one sided friendships, misguiding teachers.

Side note: Isn’t it unfortunate we all have a habit of taking the most from the worst of things. At least I can say for myself I find it much easier to think of the negative experiences then the uplifting ones. Now as an adult is when I am much more mindful of focusing on the positive.

So the next banger was my shit choices for boyfriends. Haven’t had many to begin with but there’s one that left a really painful scar. I dated him through highschool and a bit of my first years of college. As I am sure you can tell from above I had a fucked up image of myself and what honest pure love was so supposed to be (honestly still trying to learn what love is). So imagine my dismise when I ended up with a kid that was an extreme darker version of me. Double the insecure, constantly needing validation from everyone, misguided anger for his father and the world. Ashamed of who he was. I can go on but I think it’s obvious where this is going. He was just like me but intensified. I was just the weaker version of him because as a girl I felt like I was stripped of any form of confidence I had. So I thought oh yeah this seems right this is love. I mean if I am going based off experience where love is something I have to fight out of the people I love or just simply dealing with passive aggressive people & being “understanding” then yeah that seems about right. So I fought on like I always do. Over extending myself always giving giving giving. Slowly stripping away at the baby girl inside that was already so hurt. This guy mentally and physically abused me. Cheated on me left and right. Me being weak I always took him back. It was literally like I had blinders on. Till finally the anger set in. There was a shift. Once I finally said enough the first chance he got he left. There was still something inside me that wanted my justification so I tried to get it out of him. So much resistance. For months it was this ugly back and fourth. Till finally the radio went dead.

At that point I was a 20 year old kid that truly had no idea what the fuck was going on. But I will tell you I was full of pain, rage and fear. I was angry at so many things I didn’t even know where to start. I mean imagine just based on my short story above I had a lot of things pent up. I since a little girl taught myself how to suppress everything. I mean I had no other choose. My family didn’t listen, my friends didn’t understand. I felt alone in this world.

What came after this was what I would like to call the beginning to my end. I was slowly approaching the end of my rope. I was reckless. Imagine a little girl full of sadness, pain and anger stirring me. I was a tornado like someone once called me. But you know those are short lived. Then you’re left with all the damage and destruction you caused. That’s when the unraveling began. All the demons I tucked away so deeply started spewing out of the seems of my soul. There was no hiding it anymore. I had so much hurt inside me there was no explaining it.

You know when you are angry with someone but you keep pushing it aside but then they do one little insignificant thing and it blows the cap off. Then everyone looks at you like tf this bitch is crazy lol.

Well that’s what happen. My soul said to me. You have ran enough. Down the line I was even hospitalized for a failing kidney. It was one of the wildest experiences ever. Felt like my body gave up on me. It was receptive to nothing. Spiritually it felt like I was being reborn after it all pasted. If I can find the words one day to explain the experience I will. But I still can’t.

I met someone in the mist of all this ugly, unfortunately. A guy that could see through all the masks I was wearing. A guy that I can remember vividly telling me regularly “I can see you’re acting so hard but I can tell you are very soft on the side” I didn’t like it. I thought the “hardness” he was referring too was my protection. I had been hurt so many times I knew nothing else. I said unfortunately because sadly he met me at my absolute worst.

But I now know God put a person like that in my life for a purpose. I know the experiences him and I went through in the beginning are things I am not proud of. But it exposed me. I used to think it exposed me to the world so I felt judged but I know now what it truly did was expose that version of me to myself. Kinda like a look what you have become type of thing. See what your sadness has caused. Sadly at the expense of people that I love. But nonetheless it was the beginning of my awakening. God put all these people I spoke of above and many more I didn’t mention good and bad for a reason.

Point of sharing all this is because through my shadow work I have taught myself to look at what I have been through as my journey. It is what made me the woman I am today. Regardless of how painful. So sharing it here even if I know no one is gonna see it. It is subconsciously a way of facing my shame, or fear of judgement. My experience/past is what molded me. Don’t like it? It makes you uncomfortable? You wouldn’t have done it? well then you’re not for me. Whether you’re family, friends I have had for years or a partner. We are all on our own path. What is meant for you won’t pass you by.

For SO LONG I felt so ashamed, unworthy, always in lack. Like everything I have done, my parents, the way people have treated me defined me as a person you know?

But it feels so good to finally over come that frame of mind. I can see I have changed when I see things, read things, remember things now that would usually trigger the fuck out of me.

It is liberating to release myself from this grip. Even when I feel some type of way now the way I take it in is different.

From all this I have learned that those things from my past that I was so fucking ashamed of does NOT define me.

I hope through my own lessons I can teach or help those I love or anyone for that matter. Just simply help people understand that no matter how ugly the past is you have the power to change your future. I would love to assist and motivate people to love & believe in themselves. I wanna see people growing, happy and truly at peace with themselves. I know now if I want something I must become it.

The love & validation you seek from others is all within. Once I realized that is when I noticed I need no one. I am not afraid to stand alone. That is when I truly began to live freely. I will admit it is so hard because living in uncertainty is scary but it’s knowing that you’re all you need is a beautiful feeling.

If anything when you learn to let go of the pain and love yourself like you wish all those people around you would you learn how to truly value the people around you.

All in all I am grateful for my life and who I am. I am grateful for those who were kind to me. I am grateful for those who mistreated and misunderstand me. I am grateful for it all now.

I know now truly that I deserve love, respect , compassion & understanding. I feel fullness in my heart because I choose to give all those things to myself. I have faith that good, whole hearted people will find me. Those who have the same drive as me and are willing to give me everything I am willing to give.

What you give you get. That goes for the good and bad you put out. You will rep what you sow.

God has done so many beautiful things for me even in the mist of my worst moments and for that I forever grateful.

I am a good woman. I gotta remind myself to be proud of that more often. I am growing into the woman that I can say I am proud of and I did it all on my own.

Woke up feeling all this. Something in my heart told me to release it.

Here is to endless growth, healing and self love.

#gabylusays #beautiful #change #self talk #self love #personal #mending #July 30 2020 #hello future self #look where you are #my journey

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kisayrichard · 7 years

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Heyy! So I was rewatching fdtd last night, specifically 2x09 and when Malvado and Richie are talking about Richie getting the business etc Richie says "except I've gotta pay too." Then Malvado, "Santanico belongs to me." And then a couple of words later he says "You've witnessed the rage inside of her - what she truly wants is so much deeper." And then Richie stays silent. So my question is, after everything Malvado said and offered to Richie do you think that he could leave Kisa behind?

(Cont) Say Kisa couldn’t kill Malvado and they ended up going to el Rey or wherever and Richie did end up taking over the business. Do you think he’d let Malvado take her or if he did do you think he would rescue Kisa and kill Malvado? I’m eager to hear your thoughts!😊

Omg, I had never thought about that! I don’t know why, it’s such an interesting AU/what if scenario, and yet it had never crossed my mind. So, first of all, thank you for sending this and wanting to know my opinion on the subject! Beware, this got extremely long and I’m not even sure if it makes any sense.

I’m gonna rewind things a bit and start at 2.08 when Richie and Malvado meet. Or better yet, when Richie escaped torture and ran to help Kisa, only to find Malvado there, playing tricks with his mind. He was completely distressed while running through the halls after her, and then very much pissed at the stunt Malvado pulled out.

Anyway, despite that, Malvado did get into his head and convinced Richard that what he truly wanted was his empire, and that the only way to get it was by making a deal with the devil (literally). The reason Malvado was so successful in his manipulation is that he is able to use Richard’s own fears and wishes against him, all he said were things Richie had thought about before, even if in his right mind he would not have acted upon them. So, Richie just accepts that Malvado is right and agrees with the deal.

Then, we come to the scene you mentioned, where we see them working out the details of their agreement:

Richard: El Rey, huh? How much is that gonna cost you?Malvado: Oh, some sweat and tears, mostly blood. (…)Richard: Except I gotta pay too.Malvado: Santanico belongs to me. Always has.

I love that little crack in Richie’s voice when he says “except”and his face, he is so serious. He KNOWS this is it. There’s no turning back. There are other moments before where you can go, “this is the beginning of the end for them”, but here is where he actually acknowledges that if he goes through with this deal, there’s no future for him and Kisa. And he is balancing what he could potentially have with her against what Malvado is promising him.

But, what does he do next? He just takes it, right, because he wants it so much? Noooo, first he tries to contact her!

Malvado: She can’t reach you. I made sure of that. You witnessed the rage inside of her. She thinks that, by killing me, she can be free of all of this. She can’t. She won’t. What she truly wants, is so much deeper. It’s something you could never give her.

It must’ve hurt to hear that. Because I think Richie truly believes in what Malvado is saying here. He was already insecure in their relationship, he had never had another one in the first place, and theirs’ seems doomed from the start. So, all that Malvado is saying doesn’t sound like a lie to him. Plus, he has seen how she gets over Malvado and, talking about it, instead of brining the closer, brought them further apart. I think it’s understandable, then, why he chooses to betray her, to put his own ambitions before her. Not only they were never gonna last, but he thinks he would never be able to give her what she wants. And as he later told Kate, “there’s always a price to pay to get what you want” and in his case, that price was Kisa.

The reason I went through the trouble of talking about all of this (besides the fact I seem to never be able to go directly to the point) is to explain that Richie betraying Kisa was not as simple as some people try to make it to be. It wasn’t something he did carelessly and that it didn’t pain him to do it. To think like that, is to willfully ignore not only Richard’s struggle throughout season 2 but all the times he showed how much he cares about her.

Now, talking about the scenario you proposed, let’s say Richie defeated/killed Carlos, got the blood, came back to the bar, the new boss and everything, only to find out Malvado was about to leave to El Rey with Kisa.

What’s his initial reaction? I imagine the news would be like a cold shower. Kisa is going to a place he presumably cannot follow (Malvado just told him it would take all the souls freed on the well to take them to El Rey) and it’s all because of something him, Richard, did. It’s the love of his life and he let her go, just like that, but, at the same time, it’s a deal he made, no one can say he wasn’t aware of the consequences.

Would he try to interfere and stop them from leaving? If Richie found out Kisa was paralyzed, fully conscious but unable to move, totally terrified, you betcha your ass he would be going after them, I have no doubt about it.

And, yes, I understand that he already knows Kisa doesn’t want to be with Malvado, he knows he abused her. This should be enough, but it’s not for Richie, and you can see he was betting on the fact Malvado wanted her so much that he would never hurt her. But if he knew that it wasn’t true, if it actually saw her, he would do something. All the times Richie actually saw or knew that Kisa was in danger, he acted to protect her. He was prepared to “kill everyone in this room” in 2.05, he got her away from that demon in 3.02, he stopped that guy from killing her in 3.08. So, it’s canon. To hell with the stupid deal (which I don’t think he would loose any sleep over breaking). He wouldn’t be able to stop himself, he would act to help her.

Now, second scenario, what if they had already gone to El Rey, and he only found out later? Would he act to help her?

In that case, I don’t think Richie wouldn’t immediately decide to go to El Rey, kill Malvado and get Kisa back. Again, not unless he somehow knew the state she was in.

Remember, Malvado broke their connection. They can’t sense each other, they can’t talk to each other, he doesn’t know what she is feeling or how she is. Even if she contacted him, would he be sure it was actually her and not Malvado again?

I think that, no matter how much upset/hurt he would be over her being gone, missing her even, Richie would force himself to stay put. It’s just who he is, you know? He is not gonna go running around playing the hero, no matter how much I want him to. Richie would first try and convince himself he did the right thing, that it all worked for the best. In 2.10, he tells Kisa, “I had you all set up in El Rey. You could be walking in the sun right now.” and I’m sure this is something he would also be trying to convince himself of after he found out she left with Malvado. Only when all of that didn’t work is that Richie would allow himself to regret his choice and do something about it.

That’s not so say Richie would take weeks to do something. It could take only half an hour brooding. Or maybe he would receive a push from Seth or Ximena (“you really let him take her, Gecko? didn’t know you had it in you to be so cold”) and it would spur him into action. I just meant he would try to convince himself he shouldn’t act before doing something.

Having said all that, I’m positive he would do end up something about it. This is the guy who kept tabs on her whereabouts in 3.02, not to know what she was doing or who she was with, but simply to know she was safe. That’s how much he cares about her. He would want to know how she was doing in El Rey, figure out some way to know if she really was safe. And when he figured out she wasn’t, he would totally try to save her and kill Malvado.

Because, at the end of the day, that’s who Richie is. He would never be able to witness Kisa being in danger and not do something, and that still holds true despite whatever Malvado said and tried to convince Richie of.

In short, I think everything should go very Ever After (that movie where Drew Barrymore plays Cinderella), you know? Richie being stupid for a while, then finally acting and going to rescue her, only to find Kisa finishing off killing Malvado herself and setting herself free. And she would be totally surprised, “what are you doing here?” Richie would get all flushed and then say, “I came for you. To set you free.” Kisa would give him a sad smile, “I didn’t think you cared.” Richie would be silent and then admit, “I do. I thought I could just let him take you, but I couldn’t.” And, you know, both of them looking stupidly at each other, then Kisa remembering she is still mad at him and she shouldn’t let him off the rook easily.

That’s it. I’m so sorry I rambled a lot! I hope half of this at least makes sense! And again, thank you so much for sending this question!

#c lassicaly #answered asks #richie x kisa #richie x santanico #meta #text post #this is huge #and idek if it makes sense

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