#but then i think to myself that actually i am WAY better off not knowing and i go on my merry way

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for pretending I cheated on my partner when our common friend asked why we fought?

It will sound fake and fictional, but please bear with me because I'm getting crazy over it. And also sorry for any english mistake, we're not from an english speaking country.

To give some context: I am a man. There was this person, B(m), which whom I kind of grew up with. We went through the same schools from our 6 years old to 17 but we never were really friends. Then, around our 13, I got into a clique that fed into all my bad habits and I started to actively bully B because he seemed like an easy target at the time. I enjoyed it and was encouraged to do so (because I was such an asshole and I'm not even cringing thinking about it, it's worse. I regret it so much and I was a stupid and bad teenager). It was so bad that after years of enduring it, B changed school before we graduated and I went on with my life.

It' was's been about 15 years ago that I graduated.

In the meantime, I dealt with some problems that I had with my family and I went through intensive therapy which changed me for the better, and I came to terms with my sexuality as well.

Flashforward to 2019/2020, I meet with someone online through some games and it goes very well. Thanks to the Covid and the lockdowns, we play even more and get closer. At some point, I talk about an event happening close to my city, and he tells me that he knows about it as well and that we're living close to each other. Because we enjoyed our time online (ngl, we had started flirting although I didn't know how sincere it was) we decided to meet at that event.

And there, I find out that my online friend is B. It's extremely awkward but only for me because he cannot recognize me for three reasons: 1. I changed physically with my puberty finally finishing the job after my 18 birthday, and I found some love into dying my hair. 2. I changed in terms of personality thanks to the therapy I went through. 3. My legal name was changed when I said goodbye to this fucking family of mine and left without turning back (but I was getting sick just saying my last name).

I, obviously, didn't tell him anything about who I really was because I just wanted to enjoy that evening with a friend, and we didn't see each other since he left high school because of me. My plan was just to slowly distance myself from him after that evening but it failed because we had a lot of fun and we actually really hit off and I was dying constantly at the idea that he could find out.

We've been in a relationship sicne the beginning of 2021 and I was decided to just never tell him (horrifying idea I know, anyone with a braincell would have told me that it was bound to be found).

A month ago, I met with an old friend from high school (so yeah, he was in the bullying gang but more of a followers, so we stayed in friendly terms when we both agreed that it was bad) and as he recognized B, he decided to excuse himself and hoped that B would forgive him like he "forgave" me (I never got to tell that friend to shut up about that) so yeah, B found out that I was his main bully who had lied to him for almost 4 years now.

We had quite a big talk about it. How bad my bullying ended up for B; why I lied like that and never admitted it. And even if it went alright, B told me that he needed a break to think about things and it's going to be one month that I'm crashing at a common friend of us. At first, I just said that B and I got into a fight and it was good enough, but as it's been already a month, the friend asked more about it. Not wanting to bring up B's trauma to someone else (especially after our conversation), I just told the first lie that came to me and pretended that I cheated on B and he found out.

Now that common friend is calling me an asshole and keeps reminding me how much they are disappointed in me to have done something so horrifying to B. I keep wondering if I did well to lie like that, or if I should have found another way out.

#aita #am i the asshole

[bibellebibuck]

BELLE OMG HIII

7x09 THOUGHTS???

I have no thoughts. I am in shock. Actually no I do have thoughts.

- Tommy pisses me off SO SO BAD. His negative attitude brings down the mood in literally every scene I do not understand why he’s like this if we’re meant to be rooting for him as bucks love interest? (Spoiler: we’re not).

- Athena approaching Amir as a way to help Bobby feel better about himself is/was wrong and she could have gone to a whole number of other people instead. I love mother Athena but Bobby/Amir had every right to react the ways that they did. I also firmly do not believe that Amir started the house fire, it’s gotta be the cartel (the old guy from the car) or a plot twist other character.

- I’ve rambled enough on here already about my thoughts on the batshit Kim/Eddie situation so I won’t repeat myself too much but. Good lord. Kim matches that man’s freak and takes it ten steps further. I saw a theory that Kim is going to become a bit psycho obsessed with Eddie and not know how to let him go. I don’t really think this is likely (though who tf knows what to expect the minute) but I do like the idea. It sounds fun, crazy Kim is a wild ride and I wouldn’t mind more yaknow?

However, I was heart BROKEN when Chris came in, that poor boy does not deserve the feelings he’s about to feel. I sincerely hope this whole drama doesn’t badly damage his and Eddies relationship :(

Also as much hatred as I have for Marisols actress, her actual character is harmless and I do feel bad for her too- I will defend Eddie with my LIFE but his actions reaaallly are having some serious consequences on those around him. I hope he sorts himself out soon and can somehow make amends.

- HenRen and their kids… my HEART ACHES for them so bad. I can’t help but feel like this storyline is a little bit forced? Like the councilwoman so easily getting their adoption/foster case halted and the judge doesn’t see a conflict of interest there? All her “evidence” that she present against Hen can be debunked so easily. I do feel confident that HenRen will win their appeal and Mara will come home safe and sound. But I hope there are real consequences for the councilwoman acting like this over her druggy son who REFUSED GODDAMN TREATMENT AND GOT PEOPLE KILLED (or was that just almost?) ugh.

- in terms of buddie/bt. I want BT bones like.. last week. But I do think it’s coming, that stale ass interview, their lack of scenes, Tommys complete void of any character/kindness and Buck prioritising Eddie as he goes through his struggle, all point to BT bones either next episode, in between S7/8 or early S8 at the latest. I cannot wait.

Buddie needs more time to cook. I KNOW we’re desperate for it and have already been waiting a long long time, but it needs time. It would be too rushed and out of place and kinda risks being tone deaf if it were to happen right now/too soon. Eddie needs to get through this and be in a better place before their relationship can develop healthily.

That isn’t to say they can’t feed us more Eddie/Buck or BuckleyDiaz family scenes in the meantime though… really bring this simmer to a boil 🥰

#911 abc #911 #911 show #911 buddie #911 buck #buddie #911 eddie #911 spoilers #911 eddie diaz #911 evan buckley #911 season 7 #911 on abc #911 tv show #eddie diaz #evan buckley #gay eddie diaz #evan buck buckley #bi buck #911 bobby nash #911 bobby #911 henren #911 hen #911 Karen #911 tommy #911 athena #911 athena and bobby #911 Amir #911 Kim #911 christopher

[xenocorner]

Small sketch page of some of my marvel blorbos ;; Couldn't fit all of them in it nor had the time but hey I got the itch scratched kinda

#I AM a Howard Stark simp in spite of his horrible parenting #Just look at that man MH Tony had to get his looks from somewhere godamn #Also I just now realised that the way I laid them out makes Stephen seemed annoyed at the two hot af men staring at him #or Loki n Stark having a stare down to see who keeps the wizard #that was actually unintentional #My hand probably knows what I want better than I do myself #also Wanda my fierce momma plz I love her so much I wanna hug and cuddle her she deserved so much better my bby #so did Nat UGH my heart broke when drawing her I miss her ;; #WHY ARE MOST OF MY FAVES DEAD NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT LIKE??? FUCK OFF ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; #anyway #tony stark #iron man #stephen strange #doctor strange #loki laufeyson #loki #howard stark #wanda maximoff #scarlet witch #natasha romanoff #black widow #mcu #marvel #marvel fanart

[cerseiwexler]

i know this is something ppl regularly complain about but allow me to add my voice to the chorus: it’s exhausting when people insist there are Right and Wrong fandom opinions, and the criteria conveniently happens to revolve around their personal morals

to the degree that i can scroll past it without getting bothered, i’m used to it, but when algorithms are constantly pushing that sort of content bc of how much engagement it can garner, there’s a lot to scroll past sometimes 💀

#it’s not even about lannisters this time #ive been a proud supporter of their worst moments for 12 years now so i’m very familiar with the hater playbook #but when ppl come for my other faves it can be a bit jarring #which is partially bc i just haven’t had as long to get used to it in other fandoms #and is also partially due to the remarkably high bar said lannisters set as far as corruption goes lol #i always think to myself that i wonder what kim wexler hater men thought of cersei/would have if they watched/read got/asoiaf #like they’ll say kim is unstable and vindictive and things and i just WONDER. #but then i think to myself that actually i am WAY better off not knowing and i go on my merry way #text

[vse-kar-vem]

how to write vent post title that does not come off as self-pitying and or accusatory (because it's NOT !)

#sorry tumblr is like a diary to me idk what i'll do w this blog after i (sigh) inevitably move on #either way #im convinced everyone hates me again :3 but realistically no one cares about me even enough to hate me im just stupid and self centred 💔 #if anything me TYPING these posts is actuvely turning people against me #again with the assumptions that people care enough to read these 😭 fhskfbhsjfkg #i hate that i care so much what people online think of me cuz irl it's like. whatever #but here there are so many cool people who i admire and would love to be friends with im always hyperparanoid of everything i do #and still i manage to overstep and come off as annoying #like obvs you're allowed to hate me even if you're someone i look up to like that's your perogative #but i hate worrying about IF anyone hates me #oughgh this is easier irl because usually people send off pretty clear signals if they dont like you #but online (esp with how prickly this fandom is) i don't know whether im being insecure and reading into things or whether people just don't #like me (which again is fine i would just rather know if anyone gets it) #i figure art is the one way i can get people to like me 💔 which sounds kinda pathetic because irl i KNOW im liked and capable! #fandom has just become such a big part of my personality that i cant detach my self worth from it #and i do love art and drawing and such i hate that even if i know people my stuff EYE dont and it doesnt mean anything or act as a signifier #of my friendships #wow .... i really am my own therapist ..... i should shut up #the industrial revolution and its consequences (jofandom) #i think these posts are half self exploration half ... almost self harm? because sometimes im so derogatory about myself on purpose in a #'you're worthless' way. but at the same time it's cathartic and i always feel better having probed at my feelings and gotten them in order #not to do a complete 180 but it's MY post and JO LONDON IN *12* DAYS!!!!!!!! AHH i'm sooo excited if it doesnt live up to my expectations i #may cry a little. and there will be another vent post from me ! #sometimes i wonder if anyone actually reads these 😭 #vee rambles

[hella1975]

the harsher parts of mental illness are always treated so so badly in media and it's genuinely very special to see someone handling them gently - especially because you've said it's very personal for you and that makes it so much easier to like? live in i suppose? because like you said the guilt can be overwhelming and the crushing weight of knowing KNOWING that you're one bad day away from wrecking an important relationship just out of pure FEAR can be so debilitating to live with especially bc people do fundamentally view that as just. a bitch response. knee jerk malice. but it's not half the time it's sheer fear (which doesn't excuse it but it does explain more) so it's nice to see that being treated like the actual complex response it is <3

yes omfg i need to stop getting surprised when taob winds up being incredibly cathartic for me bc i put a bit of myself in it and (shocker!) there are people like that who actually get it. like there are multiple people that to this day ACTIVELY dislike me because i not only said something bad to them but because i ON PURPOSE took the thing i knew would hurt them most and said it in the harshest way i possibly could. like that was a conscious effort on my part i went out of my way to think about what would hurt them and i just went for their jugular. but i wasn't doing it for the sake of meanness any more than i was doing it because they deserved it. like i said before there are two instances when i do this and that's as a defence mechanism or to self-destruct. i dont really do the former anymore - and that took YEARS to grow out of bc that was my Main Response to literally ANY conversation i didnt want to have. people are significantly less likely to ask you personal questions if you immediately try and make them cry when they do lol. this is where 90% of my 'i was a bitch in secondary school' posting comes from - but ironically the less i gave into the former the more it translated into the latter, so i lost either way and so did the people around me. i really dont think im that bad anymore bc i found ways around it and now i cant think off the top of my head anything even CLOSE to what i used to do that's happened recently, but i have YEARS OLD guilt from long dead friendships that i will - and deserve to - live with forever bc regardless of the reasoning behind it i still said terrible things. and like. it never gets talked about bc from an outside pov im very obviously being a complete cunt and who would want to sympathise with that

#like when i get a certain way my go to response to it nowadays is to isolate and typically that would be a bad thing #and a couple weeks ago actually boom noticed me doing it and naturally bc they're a good friend #they were worried and wanted to figure out a way around it bc isolating during a depressive episode is generally considered a Bad Call lol #but the reason i isolate is bc ive now learnt my own tells to figure out when my self-destructive behaviour is gonna start lashing out #like i literally remove myself from people now bc i KNOW if i dont regardless of if they're trying to help me #that dumb voice in my head is either gonna want to get them the fuck away #OR i'll want to like. 'prove' to them that im fundamentally this awful person and they're better off without me #and either way it doesnt end well for anyone involved #like the damage i deal myself by doing that is significantly higher than the damage i deal myself when i isolate #even if neither are particularly enjoyable #and it's got a twisted reassurance to it too like id rather hurt myself alone than take other people down with me #and i like to think that proves that - regardless of how rough around the egdes i am and the hurt ive caused - im actually a kind person #and like. that's what growing up is about! im learning coping mechanisms and ways around it! im getting better! #yes it's not perfect but by fucking god is it an improvement lol #ask #taob asks

[medicinemane]

.

#I get tired of people trying to explain what lens I should view the world through; what way I could think that would make everything better #forgive me but I don't care; I do what I do and I do what I can and you don't see the work I do under the hood #I don't want advice on self validation or whatever; I want... I want someone to hold a mirror up so I can actually see myself #by which I mean I want input on how I'm doing; if it's good enough; if it's worth anything; if anything I make is good #everyone things I'm nice; everyone has always thought I'm nice #but given nice leaves me profoundly isolated I don't think I care #not to mention in my opinion what nice in this instance means is that I'm capable of listening #it's mostly that I have manners rather than some quality about me #I'm well behaved and polite and can listen; and that's perceived as nice or even sweet #and it's not like I'm offended by people seeing me that way; but maybe you can get why... I can't do anything with that information #but if I'm doing enough... if I provide any value to the world... I might have heard that less times in my life than years I've lived #that's where I'm totally blind #people don't tend to offer any input; and also people don't tend to let me know what they're thinking #and I in fact am not a mind reader; I can often accurately infer things; but no of that means a thing till it's confirmed #and... well... hopefully no one reads the stupid shit I say and especially not the tags so this is safe and hidden #but truthfully people just like to hear that stuff they're doing is wanted and matters #and I do not #I don't know... gotta go do more cleaning cause I need to #and I have no idea if... I've got a reason for fighting so hard to clean; but I get very little input so... I expect... well... #and thankfully I don't think they read my tags so I can say this #but I really expect they won't take me up on my offer to come out here and get away from their parents; so there will be no pay off #not that I blame them in the slightest... it's just the only possible pay off for this cleaning would be helping someone I like out #and a scrap of company #but then again... in many ways anyone coming out to live with me is the worst thing they could probably do #sorry... I have a rather bleak outlook on many things surrounding myself purely cause of what I infer from the past #there is never pay off; only more shit I need to get done #I will never be loved; I will never be wanted; I will always just kinda be an afterthought that's occasionally worth venting to #no one will ever be particularly interested in anything I'm interested while I'll chase their interests or at least try to #certainly let them talk about them when they want #...though I take that over my normal total isolation... better to at least be permitted to follow in someone's shadow than have nothing

[todayisafridaynight]

I've wanted to write a dissertation on the localization differences in　Sawashiro's Chapter 13 scenes FOREVER you have NO idea, thank you so much for pointing that out.

I did experience the full game back when it was only out in Japanese so I've certainly got Thoughts on both in comparison to the original as well. Although it's not exactly what you were talking about, I do personally think the playfulness is 100% purposeful and the more accurate take in this case! Not just in a literal sense, but in terms of authorial intent.

Chapters 1, 2, and 13 specifically are full of homages to and subversions of his character as seen in RGGO. Playfulness, unpredictability, and an off-putting sense of humor are central to RGGO!Sawashiro. He also happens to be particularly fond of fake-outs like that. Obviously a lot has changed between games, but there's a lot of fascinating interplay as well, even with 7!Sawashiro's much more subdued presentation. Yokoyama has said he was going for a story that doesn't require RGGO's context to understand or enjoy, but a story that's nonetheless made more interesting by taking RGGO's context into account. The effects of that approach are of course going to be apparent in RGGO's main antagonist.

So I don't think it's far-fetched at all to say there's a sense of humor there we just don't get to see much of, being Ichi and being in the situations we're in when we encounter him. I think that kind of works for him as a character whose idiosyncrasies are conveyed equally by what we see and what we don't see.

... I guess I kind of ended up writing a dissertation anyway lol sorry

this is like getting a letter from the president thank you so much for your dissertation and your work in general im actually framing this on my brain walls

#fave #snap chats #ON THE REAL THOUGH LET ME. TALK NORMALLY FOR A SECOND #i DID actually want to make a note bout sawashiro's dialogue during chapter 1 too in my initial post #but i didnt think it was anything super noteworthy- tho now im glad my thinking's been validated in a way #weeks back when i actually did take the time to read through the old RGGO chapters and familiarize myself with RGGO jo #RGGJO if you will AHA-- #but on the real when you mention it i DO remember his personality feeling #saying 'relaxed' feels hyperbolic/inaccurate but he definitely did not feel /as/ uptight as Y7jo comes off as #maybe cause his portrait art has him smiling for once ☠️ #but its due in part because we got to see RGGO jo more For Obvious Reasons and we got to see him interact with others more #that he got to feel a LIL more personable. not OVERLY friendly but yk. Just Enough to notice in comparison #in the way that i like comparing eng and jp texts it IS really fun looking between RGGO and Y7 jo #obviously they would borrow aspects from RGGO to put into Y7 but it is real neat being able to point them out/see them #i wish i could use my words better to express how much of a fan i am of reading this but just know i am #just very cool and interesting insight all around thank you again for writing in

[pansyfemme]

i am a faggot before i am a man

#filling out the trans survey and its like. are u a man? or are u nonbinary? and its like. yeah im a man but like. not in the way u think #i dont rlly identity with the concept of binaries at all enough to identity on or off of them #like. i am a dude. but if someone else were to experience what im feeling they would think im nonbinary do u get what i mean #im a man bc i like being called one- my maleness is wayyy different than a cis dudes maleness #im a man because thats whats most comfortable #when i identified as nonbinary i really disliked how i was seen. i like being seen as a guy better #but like. am i actually a guy? who knows call me he/him in the meantime lol #im binary in the way that i label myself that way. but my maleness is not the same as other people’s #so does thay make me nonbinary? or just a dude in a different way

[igneouswyvern]

being the only fan of something is so great because i am the sole ruler of this kingdom. no one is around to tell me my headcanons suck or that all the characters are ooc

however it also sucks because i am the only fan. no one is around to support my headcanons or tell me they love my portrayal of the characters

#in a way i'm really glad there's no celceta fans. i don't think i could take meeting another person who knows the game #building your house out of donuts and all that #same with zestiria i'm very glad there's no one around to tell me how ooc sorey is in my mind palace or any of that #but god it would be nice to have a friend to bounce ideas off of once in a while. get some positive reinforcement in this echo chamber #of mine #altho the thing is i don't really have these kinds of elaborate aus and stories and headcanons for stuff with an actual fandom. #i love psychonauts with all my heart but the simple fact that there are other people who enjoy it just makes me feel shyer or smth #like i know that these people have played the games a million times more than i have and are a million times more obsessed with the charact #characters than i am so why should i bother developing my own headcanons abt these characters when there are people out there who do it muc #much better than i ever could. so why bother at all you know #that's why i tend to be a passive enjoyer of most things i care about on here #i'm not out here giving complex and unique takes on psychonauts or mario plots or characters #i'm just gonna enjoy what's presented to me by people who are cooler than me #and when i do have original thoughts it's only gonna be about stuff nobody else gives a flying fuck about. like tales or ys or tok #which is kind of sad! i'm not gonna lie! #but i guess i do this to myself huh. if i managed to find an ys fan they'd probably scare me out of my own theories #idk man. theres not really a solution is there #wyvern rambles

[milo-is-rambling]

I am so high I love you dabs I love you big bong rips I love you huge heavy bong I love you only having 20 dollars to my name and no plans but getting high and ignoring it I love you oh no I’m thinking about it

#I want to take an ice cold shower and scream and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and lock myself in a closet for 72 hours in the dark with #no distractions to figure out what I actually want to do with the rest of my life and to face every bad thought I have and struggle to #ignore even years later like ugh I just need to be at the bottom of the ocean floating sinking alive dead in between for like a month and #then pull me back up and either I’ll be normal or I’ll be so fucked up they just put me back in there #like either way I am vibing at the bottom of the ocean (I have been desperately imaging a sensory deprivation tank all day) #(put me in a fucking sensory deprivation tank until something in my fucking brain rewires and I get worse or better than I am now this #inbetween stage is fucking killing me like what do you mean I’m not a horrible person but also what do you mean I struggle every day but I’m #normal but I have things about me other people don’t and alienate me to the point of near total isolation but also this is just how humans #are and I need to take meds and actively struggle to fit into a perfect little box of what a person should be like god damn I am so tired of #getting better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and I’m miserable and I’m happy and I’m sobbing and #I know a month from now I’ll be depressed again or I’ll be the best I’ve ever been and it’s so fucking horrible to be in the middle stage #where I actually have to step up and admit shit is wrong and face it like why can’t I just lay in bed forever until I become the bed and not #like get a job and have a future. ugh. depression is so fucked esp bc most things in my life are normal I guess or like easier than my #friends like we all have seperate challenges but I’m the only one still living off their parents (ha. parent. forgot for a second.) and the #only thing wrong with my life is the mental health issues but I won’t step up and deal with it bc I feel like I’ve been depressed for so #long I like fucked up the foundational shit and like I know it’s fine but also I feel so behind and I feel like I’ll be behind and unhappy #forever even when im happy I know the next depressive episode is right around the corner and I give up again. ugh. I hate knowing that’s #what’s wrong with me but still not having the energy to step up and fix it. im so pathetic I want to cry. my brain is me but my brain is #destroying my life. anyways. im high and now im sad and have dry mouth. I think im gonna drink ice water and change into shorts+lay in bed)

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

right. so. i meant to be writing the thasmissy fic. i did not do that but

i can explain

#hit over the head with the obsession baseball bat #hit SO hard i think i have a concussion #i might actually be more excited for the mcr us tour in 2 months than dw now this is BLASPHEMY dsfhgkjfhg #nuts this is the quickest a special interest has ever taken hold of me it usually takes like. a season #bc it's usually tv so it usually takes the first season. it took all of s12 in 2020 #but this was like... last sunday i told my sister like 'you know gerard way? theyre kinda cool maybe' #and this sunday i was painting the biggest painting ive ever done and it’s THEIR FACE #one week ago i was like 'idk i want to like it but this music is really not my genre' and two days later i was listening to it all day #a wEEK #like unfollow me now this is gonna be the only thing i talk about for the next week #actually no thats not true ive got nothing interesting to say about mcr #i did expect/hope to wean myself off of dw but i didnt expect it to get so violently replaced by something else #better than having nothing for a bit tbh #anyway it's not really replaced either im still writing fic and making videos #and i dont think mcr is gonna become a real special interest bc it has the obstacle of having real people so i cant get too involved #so it’ll just stay a fling i think. i Am excited for new music though. im excited for the old music! #i think the obsession will pass soon tho. fucking hope so this is the worst. im so annoying abt this #but for as long as it lasts it at least has produced maybe the best painting ive ever done. i think this might be the best #aND IT WAS SO FUN do you know how much fun it is to paint this big?? im never painting anything small ever again #also i Have actually been slowly working on a scene this past week in my notes app but it’s absolutely unnecessary thoschei octopus sex #like what i SHOULD be doing is loadbearing scenes to fill in the plot gaps. what i AM doing is more of the this. #more of the garbage that needs Connecting #anyway i didnt paint the mic bc i couldnt be bothered. i like painting faces and hands i dont care about objects sorry #hashtag artistic choice #mcrposting

[astrxealis]

sometimes i think of scenarios in my head with my ocs and then sometimes for happy brain i kinda crossover them with my favorite medias atm and also insert myself in bcs i like being self-indulgent and yeah my brain is so fucked up that i just keep repeating the same first bits and can't get far in thinking and i end up just having my s/i ramble my thoughts and it's hard to explain but yeah but anyways it's interesting thinking about who or what my ocs would like in video games or colors or whatever because all my ocs seem to reflect a certain part of me and i can get into the psychology of that but also its hard to explain my thoughts but also anyways yeah i find it interesting thinking about who my ocs would kin

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #feel free to just ignore me oopsies i am just rambling but yeah i love my ocs so much #sorry besties you are all subject once more to my brainrots and rambles and random thoughts now that i am on tumblr rn #my brain is very interesting to me and the way i think but also i can't properly think in such a way and i find it really hard to explain #and i'm such a mess but also man i don't know and i'm going off-track and god i love vgm so much and i don't want to do homework #but anyways back to the goddamn point !!! so my oc merle. i have little crossover thoughts in my head right and i realize #he's similar with akira and then it makes sense as to why i like characters like akira and it's a little woa fr bcs #the way i imagine merle is really similar to akira actually but with a more purple color scheme (but still dark) and he doesn't wear #glasses (at least. wait. actually. i don't really know anymore) GOD my mind never stops but yeah uhm yeah #i think humans are so unbelievably interesting and it's all just so fascinating and and and #also i've awakened to the fact i really like sharks i think they're very cute! i still prefer dolphins though #people who hurt animals make me really angry and sad... i think about it and already want to cry #i have never had a pet but my grandparents had lots and it's funny how memory works. i forgot they once had a pet turtle #until something in a school group project involved my group involving a pet turtle in our storyline for something #and then i remember that past. my past. once again. and clearly even! and... yeah #but yeah... i know i will never abandon my pet if ever i do get a pet. or pets. i would never do that and i really know this is a fact with #all my heart but what's stopping me from getting a pet is that i need to take better care of myself first and learn how to take care of #pets! i think where i live there's actually an opportunity for me to do so. i'll try to see more about that. and hmm... this is a really #busy year for school. and then the next. and then tbh everything onwards from 2023 so... i don't want to put time to something #i'm not even sure if i can really make time for. but. i think i really do want a pet! a dog esp. but also a cat. but a dog esp #bcs i've always wanted one !! i know when it comes to something i really want i am very dedicated and passionate #like how i already calculated xiv expenses months before actually got the game? and planned how me and lune would do things too #and then because i want to handle money better and take note of all that i yeah and yeah and yeah im tired of typing now BYE #will now disappear again after rambling quite a lot ^__^ maybe? maybe not? who knows! #my thoughts are so. whack. wack? idk. but uhm yeah it went from ocs to sharks to pets to money and idk huh #man w some things i'm really shy about being perceived or asked about. like my ocs. egbhebgjhbjehs ;;;;; #and people being nice to me T__T sorry i rlly appreciate it but i can't really comprehend it and my coping mechanism is avoidance

[hella1975]

my mum: you've been doing really good lately. every part of your life is really stable and you seem genuinely happy, it's great to see :)

me, who's felt like ive been going actually crazy bananas insane for months now: yeah haha

#sometimes i forget that 'being in total control of my emotions at all times' isn't just my cringe lore & is actually something im good at #like wdym my MUM said this. girl im experiencing horrors over here! #i got really offended by it? ilke i just smiled at her and agreed but inside i was like HELLOOOOO CAN ANYONE HEAR MEEEE #i just genuinely feel like i am so detached from myself and im entirely manipulative and i micromanage every facet of my personality #and change it day-to-day person-to-person and not in the Normal Human Way but in a crazy insane I Am Manipulating People Way #& it's a CONSCIOUS thing & like. idk who the real me is idk if there is a real me idk if id like her if i saw her idk if im a good person #but i look like im doing fine. i seem really stable and happy atm according to the person who knows me better than anyone #like that's the extent of my control on myself. even my mum cant tell. HUH #idk i feel like im being dramatic bc last week and this week ive definitely been feeling a lot better #and like maybe i was just having some sort of months-long episode but that doesnt negate the fact that while i was IN it no one could tell #not even the closest people to me that see me every day in the same house where im most vulnerable could tell #that's like. worrying surely. maybe. i think. whatever im just saying shit at this point #i always do this tho i go 'i fundamentally base my self-worth on how little i share vulnerability with people #and it's been a constant part of my personality since childhood that i dont talk about my feelings' and then i get SO pissed off #when people dont realise im going through shit. like girl what did you THINK was gonna happen. look inwards #hella goes home

[outlying-hyppocrate]

imagine being like. human. i'm just a silly little creature. happy cryptid. occasionally a very sad cryptid who ponders its own existence and questions his sanity but. that's mostly during the winter months. we do not speak of the winter months. except for the fact that we are in them and. fuck never mind. i just need some tea and a bit of will wood to ensure my serotonin levels go back to normal and i can be. happy cryptid

#random thoughts #i also do this when i have deprived myself of food for a certain amount of time. don't worry. i am making spaghetti #there will be sauce. with an obscene amount of garlic. i apologize to potential vampire boyfriends #my stomach hurts though so. maybe i'll eat later #but FUCK. i don't want it to be cold #hng. microwaved pasta is just Not As Good. yknow what i mean. it tastes much better fresh #perhaps i will simply eat it cold. i will put parmesan on it. then it will not melt. melted parmesan makes me cry because #i'm a pathetic piss baby who can't stand the texture. or maybe it's the autism diagnosis i don't know #do not mind me. i am simply discussing whether or not i should eat my spaghetti #wait. why did i say making? i haven't even made it yet. lmao #yknow what? no spaghetti for today. i'll just suffer i guess #admitting to pain irl in any way is embarrassing as fuck for some reason? like i felt like i was going to die in french class #the lights were so bright and everyone was so so loud but i couldn't wear my sunglasses in class. hng. and then of course #it stressed me the fuck out. and then. stomachache. at that point i was ready to cry #then my friend saw me and asked if i was okay. i just said yes. she believed me. i think #still suffering. not fun. not fun at all #WHY THE FUCK AM I SO OFF TOPIC. credence you need to stop. please just post this already #actually wait. i will post this. and then just make the sauce. i will put it in the refrigerator and eat it the next day #it is similar to tomato soup. except. cold. and obviously thicker. i don't know why it tastes good. hng #on my way to make the sauce. goodbye everyone

[blood-and-better-honey]

post-essay clarity is something so beautiful yet so frightening

#i just through this together in 10 hours one sitting #i need to stop doing this to myself #i did technically outline a bit beforehand which is better than nothing but like good god girl #this is ur future career take this seriously #embarrassed as fuck bc i did explicitly coin something in this one even though i have no merit and also did not back up my claim well enough #but like also dude i was just at a point where my brain was connecting patterns and a precursory search didn’t bring up anything so #i just named the phenomena myself and maybe my professor or ta who has more merit will comment on it #god fuck dude i was lowkey very experimental in this one and my tone came off way differently bc i am so done we are all so done #finals are literally so stupid and inconsequential when considering. what has been happening on our campus and the world and everything #the tenured professors who are fucking allies are boycotting finals and not having their students do anything #unfortunately my prof isn’t tenured otherwise i know he would (because all the profs in my department probably would tbh) #so hopefully they don’t even really grade these bc like i have a feeling he’s gone be lax bc he’s cool like that and also our camspus has #been turned into a militarized zone where the administration is sending in police in riot gear to #attack peaceful students in a violent act of state repression and fascist so like yeah i don’t think any of this finals shit actually #fucking matters it’s all bullshit #damn sorry i just got properly high for the first time today and that all had to come out #anywayyyyyy #it speaks