#but the depression does keep me from actually finding joy in the things i do | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

soraviie · 1 year

Text

subject: write to me.oneshot

━ type: Jungkook x gn! reader ━ masterlist ━ word count: 6k

━ summary: Jungkook is certain of it — you have disabled your work email and as such what's the harm in finally spilling everything that he's ever felt for you? You certainly won't read them...right?

━ connected to: "you think it's unrequited"

━ genre: pining!!! extreme pining!! angst, barely any fluff

━ c/w: Jungkook goes through a depressive episode

━ leave a comment otherwise I’ll feed you mouldy cheese, don't test me. If you like my work and want to tip, here's my ko-fi. Thank you so much if you do!

Seoul in particular is the kind of city that never sleeps. Jungkook is once again made aware of it when he arrives late at night, kicks open the doors to his apartment and goes to lay down on the bed. Traffic, endless traffic and long strings of people trembling the air with an incessant series of enraged horns. Half-heartedly he greets Bam, plucking the squeaking toy out of the dog's mouth and flinging it to the far side of the room.

Fuck, he thinks, these are outside clothes; I should probably change.

He doesn’t.

Eagerly, Bam noses at his owner's arm, trying to get the man to play with him but at most Jungkook lazily pats his head. Lately, the only sound in his home had been the scratch of Doberman's nails against the glossy tiles. As he gets up Jungkook finds his head slightly spinning.

Eat, you should eat, he reminds himself. He has to do it himself now.

You didn't care for him and left, and he had to do this stupid thing all by himself. Immediately he shakes his head, chasing the resentment away. It wasn't your fault, none of it was your fault. And maybe it wasn't even his. It was just...not meant to be.

For the first time in weeks he actually manages to put forth some effort. Brushing back the hair from his face, the headphones squeeze tightly on his ears, preventing any sort of noise of traffic or ambulatory sirens. He cringes when seeing the biochemical weapon that is a half-finished bowl of ramen sitting next to the sink. There's even an egg there. Some days had gone by good but lately….it all grew to be very bad.

"When did I...? When did I even have this?" he mutters to himself but Jungkook lives alone. There's no one to answer.

The trash that veers dangerously over the side of the bin has to be split into two separate trips. The plastic bag is thin and it rips easily from the strength that Jungkook has to grab it with. Hence, two trips.

The floor needs cleaning, he does so. Laundry...he takes a disgust ridden glance at the array of dirty socks and underwear littered all over the bathroom floor that cannot even be seen from the sheer scale of used clothes piling on top of it. Yeah, laundry definitely needs doing.

As the washing machine goes off in the distance, with no small amount of guilt Jungkook looks at Bam. The dog's eyes are wide and glistening, holding no grudge towards his depressed owner. His tail wags expectantly the longer Jungkook keeps staring.

"Who's a good boy?" his voice though betrays him and cracks, failing to at least simulate the same joy Bam exudes. Jungkook reaches for the snacks — the empty paper crumbles between his fingers. He should go out and buy them. Thank god for Young-mi; had she not volunteered, Bam would have probably not been going out for his much needed walks. He should go out...not just for Bam. The dog has probably seen more sun than Jungkook has, but the mere thought of leaving his house kills a small part within him. It takes all of his strength to even make this empty home of his a somewhat habitable environment.

When he's done, hours into cleaning, there's almost a sense of accomplishment washing over him but before the pleasant feeling can fully settle into Jungkook's bones, finally turning his life back into somewhat normal form, the realization hits him. You won't know that he deep cleaned his apartment, you won't know that he cut his finger washing the knife and neither will you point out the choice of his band-aid (green sharks) with that distantly curious gleam in the eye because Jungkook himself won't be able to tell you any of this. Because you won't be here. Sometimes it hits him too hard and he cannot find his way back to the surface anymore.

Bam comes up to his leg, poking his wet nose into Jungkook's knee. Numbly he turns to look down.

"Sorry, boy, no walks tonight."

Bam's head droops lower and it isn't long before he waddles sadly away, settling in the corner to disinterestedly chew on his favourite toy. Whatever scraps of seaweed and rice Jungkook can scrounge up from the deserted fridge, he eats quickly and with little interest. The bed and his subsequent need to rot in it is begging for his attention but the glint of his laptop — open and left behind on the coffee table — catches his attention at the very last second.

He won't be able to tell you...in person that is. It's been a week since he last wrote to you. He misses you.

Grabbing the laptop, he digs himself underneath the covers, waiting for the email to load.

How many messages has he written to you? 100? 200? By now he's stopped counting. What's the point?

Clicking on a new message, he gathers himself. Despite knowing that you've certainly deactivated your email by now, knowing that you won't ever read this he still feels some semblance of anxiety ripple through his body. Gasping in a deep breath, he relaxes himself, finding strength in the newfound mantra.

They don't care about you. They won't read any of this. It's like talking to yourself.

Hey, no one said mantras had to be happy, right?

to: [email protected]

subject: btw I did a deep clean :D

Hi!

It's been a week since I last wrote to you. Can't say it's been fun. How are you? Are you fine? Are you still liking life back home? You used to complain that you couldn't get the proper ingredients here in Korea...

"Still" liking the life back home...Jungkook scoffs at the choice of his own words, aggressively bringing his finger of wrath upon the backspace button. "Still"...as if you had liked it here. As if you had liked him! He shakes his head once more. For all the supposed numbness that he felt instead of pain, there was a surprising amount of bitterness breaking ever so often through the flimsy pretense he had constructed ever since you left.

“You need any help?”

He didn’t even particularly want to help you. It was 2:30 in the morning and only now he could go home. He was drenched in sweat and undoubtedly stinky, the strands of hair clung disquietingly to the back of his neck and he just wanted to go home. But you looked so damn…confused. Frankly, if he wouldn’t help you it most likely would be a violation of the civil law.

Your tired eyes travelled from the dimly lit phone in your hand to his face and as you scrutinised him from head to toe, he unwittingly shivered.

There’s no such thing as ghosts, Jungkook told himself, ghosts don’t use phones.

The blankness of your stare disturbed him and after hearing a quiet, barely audible “no” fall out your lips, he bolted, jumping into an elevator without a single glance backwards.

So much for a meet-cute.

He blinks out of the frayed memory, taking in the newly reviewed mail

to: [email protected]

subject: btw I did a deep clean (of my house) :D

It's been a week since I last wrote to you. Can't say it's been fun. I hope you like being back home.

I like you.

He reads it with a heavy sigh but proceeds to send it anyway tossing then his computer aside with an easy flick of the wrist. Not like you’ll ever read it.

to: [email protected]

subject: where did you go? :0

Hello, _____________. This is Jungkook. Jeon Jungkook. Of BTS… but I’m sure you probably know that.

I got this email address from one of my managers, well, I may have bullied them a little bit (ヾ;￣▽￣)ヾ but it was for a good cause!

Anyways I was wondering about next week’s show. You promised me to help with the speech, you know my English is not good╥﹏╥ but I’ve been trying to find you for the whole week and it’s like you disappeared! Even my managers were all incredibly tight lipped about it. Just let me know if you’re still up to helping me. If not, it’s fine.

I hope you’re not sick, health is important you know!

Whichever it is — whether you’re sick, out of Seoul or just don’t want to see me, please, write to me so I’d know (⌒_⌒;)

Sincerely,

Jeon Jungkook.

to: [email protected]

subject: are you okay?

So uhh…the show is over and I haven’t seen or heard from you. The speech didn’t go so well since I was so worried about you my head was fuzzy but it’s whatever. Life goes on hahaha. I am starting to get a bit worried haha don’t scare me haha. I asked even other members about you but no one knows. The staff is telling me you didn’t have a desk to begin with so it’s not like I could just wait for you there…not that I would do that. I wouldn't….haha. Well, you were our jack—of—all—trades little helper, right? You always helped me with my jewelry and mic, and papers so it makes sense, doesn’t it? That you didn’t have a desk? Idk idk I’m suddenly shy (,,>﹏<,,)

Maybe you’re on vacation? I just thought of that lol it’s probably that. Sorry for bothering you, I hope you rest well! You deserve it, our little fairy!

Still if you could be so kind as to answer this message when you receive it, I’d be forever in your debt if you would!

Sincerely,

Jeon Jungkook.

to: [email protected]

subject:

You’re not on vacation. It’s been a month. HR hasn’t approved of you going away and you’re not on a sick leave.

Yes! Yes! I went to them! You’re not answering and I’m worried, and angry!

I thought we were friends! If you’re going through something then, please, let me know! How can I help? What can I do so you come back to us?

Sincerely,

a very pissed Jeon Jungkook.

to: [email protected]

subject: you left

The truth is out. I already said it in the subject but I’ll repeat it again, maybe to make it real. Maybe so that I would believe it.

You left. Wrote a resignation, packed up your shit and left. Just fucked off without saying why, without saying goodbye.

That’s what hurts the most. I wasn’t even worth enough to say goodbye to.

I really hate you.

to: [email protected]

subject: i don’t know, something

….hi.

It’s been a month.

How have you been?

I’m…not too good. I’m still here but…eh, I don’t know. The members say I’m sulking and I am in a way but more than anything I’m missing you. I’m missing the chances I had but didn’t take.

You know it took me a while to even like you. I thought you were so cold, in fact, I thought you despised me, hehe, well, maybe you do but I won’t know now, will I? I can’t exactly ask you, can I? Not to you who would answer as I’m fairly certain this email has been deactivated.

It’s the possibilities that hurt the most, you know. I don’t really know you, do I? I’ve never been at your home, never met your family, friends. I don’t know what type of water you like and I don’t know how soft your blanket is. Whether you use mouthwash or whether you shower in the morning or night. I don’t know these things but…I could have. Why didn’t I just ask? Why didn’t you for that matter? Was I…not the one for you?

Did you think the same as I did?

I remember when that first thought of you crossed my mind, of us being something…different. It was in the middle of a concert, remember? After the one we had in Seoul. You were maybe 6 months in, still awkward around everyone. You didn’t speak much I remember that. In those days whenever I asked anyone about you, they would say “real quiet but reliable”. I was sitting on the sofa, trying to catch my breath. It was Jimin’s solo so I could have some few seconds of peace and you were there, right in the centre of the pandemonium, absolutely calm. I remember how I wondered: "How can they be so collected? Do they not care?” but you did care. You were working on Namjoon’s jacket, weren’t you? Wardrobe malfunction. You weren’t even supposed to. Little helper is one thing but you’re not a stylist. Still you stepped in and calmly, diligently you made it whole again.

You probably don't know but you did the same thing to me. Only, of course, you undid me as well.

The decorations on top of that stupid jacket broke, just after we were finished but you didn’t mind. Namjoon showed it to you and you laughed. That was the first time I ever saw you happy. You said that it has fulfilled its duty and there’s no reason to worry anymore — it was all fine.

You never knew it but as I watched you from the sidelines I thought what if I would join you, offer a joke, make your smile last longer. I really wanted to but…

…but I didn’t. I wasn’t blind — you found it hard to fit and I didn’t want to intrude. You didn’t seem to enjoy my presence and if some people would see me with you, they’d give you a hard time and I didn’t want to burden you. You were just blooming open, my touch no matter how well-intended would just damage your petals so I didn’t. I packed up my things and I walked past you without saying anything.

What if I had? Would you have stayed then? Or would you have left all the same? Neither of us know the answer.

I don’t hate you, I’m sorry for writing so in the last letter. I didn’t mean it. I would never mean it. All I can hope for now is that you’re happy wherever you are.

Sincerely apologetic,

Jeon Jungkook.

to: [email protected]

subject: april again

Hello!

It’s April and you know what that means, I get saddled with a new tutor yey (⋟﹏⋞) It’s strictly formal now and honestly kind of boring. I know you weren’t really my tutor back in the day, just helping me on the side hehe but I still appreciate you. It was also April then, April 28th, that we finally spoke like two human beings. Your voice was so tired but you seemed curious—

Jungkook lifted his head from the laptop of his home, suddenly feeling the betraying sting bite at the bottom of his eyes.

“Don’t cry!” he scolded himself. “What’s the use of crying now that everything's done?”

Sensing his owner’s distress, Bam cautiously approached the crouched man and pressed his nose into Jungkook’s shin. He stared down at the dog, surprise in his expression hinting at the fact that for a second he’d forgotten Bam existed. For a second he was back with you.

April 28th

“What are you doing?” the voice sounding near him was quiet. Somewhat curious but even more so perturbed. Jungkook detached himself from the table he’d slouched upon in the throes of his utter defeat.

Seeing you though, the sleepy disquiet within him frayed and he swallowed nervously, trying his hardest to appear at complete ease.

“Regretting life choices,” he groaned conversationally. “You?”

“Just getting a soda,” you tossed your head towards the vending machine. It had an indent at the side. Rumour had it that one night Jin kicked it because he didn’t have enough money on him to buy a candy bar. It was, of course, just a rumour and Junkook knew it because he was the one who kicked the machine.

He did sort of feel bad about it but he had been hungry.

“Nothing nearly as dramatic.”

An awkward quiet settled between them. What are you thinking, Jungkook thought. He noticed the way your eyes lingered on him, a touch too long to be absolutely casual, and then quickly averted away as your lips pursed into a straight line, almost like you were reprimanding yourself.

Maybe because you were prohibited from talking to him? It wouldn’t be the first time such an order took place as much as Jungkook hated it.

“Do you need help?” your voice had been low, so deadpan he entirely missed that you’d spoken at all but when the realization hit, he had to force himself to not be too happy.

“It’d be nice if you did,” he gave a small smile, shuffling to make space for you on the couch. You stared at the newly liberated spot for a second but ultimately sat down if a bit stiffly.

Peering into his notebook, you asked him:

“What do you have to do?”

“Answer these questions using 10 words or less.”

You leaned your head to the side and as he took the next, shuddering breath, the scent of your shampoo filled him whole. It fit you like a glove. Immediately, he wanted more of it.

“That’s a strange exercise,” you muttered and as Jungkook’s throat grew dry, he only shrugged in response. You’d given him details, solid answers and explanations but he still failed miserably. He hadn’t heard a thing you said over the sound of his heart rushing.

Only the wet cold of Bam’s nose roused him from the memory. With a sad smile, he patted the dog’s head, feeling suddenly guilty to be looked at with such adoring eyes.

“Good boy,” he whispered as Bam’s tail thwacked against the floor of his empty and quiet apartment. “Good boy, Bam.”

to: [email protected]

subject: what’s next

Hello!

Have you been eating well? Have you been meeting up with friends? I remember you told me once, probably thinking I’ll forget it, that they’ve been missing you and you’ve been missing them. I didn’t forget — I remember. I hope you’ve gone out with them and that your cheeks glow the way they do when you’re really, really happy. I haven’t forgotten that either. I don’t want to.

I…uh…I’ve stopped crying. I don’t why that’s so awkward to say, I mean you’re not even here. If anything I’m talking to myself. It’s a bit sad, isn’t it hehe. Don’t judge me, please.

Anyways I’ve stopped tearing up at random times. Now I’m just…I don’t know — numb? Unmotivated? In those few rare free days I don’t do much — just lie in my bed. I don’t have the strength to get out of it. Though some days it’s not so bad — I’m almost the way I was before. I go out, I eat ice-cream, take Bam out for good long walks — it’s almost normal but then inevitably I crash and I don’t want to move or go anywhere, or even speak with anyone.

In fact, for the last week this is the most speaking I’ve done — writing this to you. I don’t why I keep it up but it helps. I myself don’t quite understand haha. I hope that tomorrow it’ll be a good day. My house has been a mess, my hair is kind of dirty and I think Bam is getting antsy cramped inside for extended periods of time. I have been declining my mom’s calls cause I don’t want to hear me like this. She’ll only worry and it’ll make the whole situation worse. I need to move but today I’ve sat here all day and thought of you.

to: [email protected]

subject: why?

wh do i =kep writinng to u? u;re nhot here whats the point?? whats the goodammn point>

jimin found ou t about the leterc

he didnt saay nuthign but the way he lookred at me…

pity

is ti a crime?????? to lvoe someone?? to want to tlak to them?? everyien else is lucjkf they cqan talk to thei r loved cnes but em?? im aloen so yesh i write yo you!! i wan t to be delusionalf i dont care fwha anyer says! youre my friend! iw ill talk to you aven if tis patheti c even if tish thoguht lettters youll nevar read! i dont caare1

jminn thiggks im crayz

an I?

have u maed me crazy?

to: [email protected]

subject: I’m sorry

So…I got really drunk yesterday (≡ε≡；) I can hold my liquor, don't get me wrong, but Jiminie drinks like he’s got a new liver lined up °՞(ᗒᗣᗕ)՞° But reading it over this morning (barely, my eyes are swollen) I recalled the fight that we had and that I never did apologize. I’m sorry that I took my anger out on you that one time. I should have said sorry already then. I didn’t but I was. Still am.

May, 22nd

“You were supposed to go home hours ago.”

By now, he was well familiar with the voice and its disinterested tembre. You always sounded so…bored and for some reason today of all days Jungkook got pissed off because of it.

You were always…looking down at him. Just like the others. You were judging him, weren’t you? Why else were you so distant? Why else did your face not change expressions as he got near you? You couldn’t stand him. You could see what he was behind the carefully curated smokescreen of what Jeon Jungkook was supposed to be. You saw him. Those weary, disturbingly observant eyes drilled right through what was supposed to be a charming, yet impenetrable wall. He didn’t truly know anyone and no one was supposed to truly know him. Yet in front of you he suddenly found himself bare.

“Why? Because you say so?” he spat from where he’d fallen on the floor. His ankle had given out and one point and when you came in he was panting from the pain. Of course, you’d see him in such a humiliating state.

You blinked mutely at his sudden harshness. You weren’t friends, you weren’t allowed to be friends but still the relationship was amicable. For coworkers. Barely.

“You’re upset,” flatly you stated, one hand gripping the door handle far too tightly.

“Yeah, no shit,” he grumbled. Why were you looking at him like that? Like you saw him?! Who even were you?!

“You’re upset but that’s no reason for you to talk to me like this.”

As cold as a bucket of winter river. Your voice washed over him and Jungkook found himself not an injured wolf baring his teeth and protecting his den but a puppy, sopping wet and scrambling uselessly against the palm that had seized him by the scruff.

“I’m a grown man.”

“Not right now.”

You both came to standstill, glaring obstinately at each other.

It had been the longest eye-contact Jungkook had with you. Shame it was out of anger.

You drew an exhausted sigh as Jungkook brittled.

“I understand you’re in pain and wanting perfection but be nicer to yourself.”

He scoffed harshly.

“I don’t need your pity.”

Something in your gaze grew utterly frigid and all at once he was rendered deeply afraid.

“And I’m not offering it to you.”

to: [email protected]

subject: I’m sorry

So…I got really drunk yesterday (≡ε≡；) I can hold my liquor but Jiminie drinks like he’s got a new liver lined up °՞(ᗒᗣᗕ)՞° Reading over that garbage this morning (barely, my eyes are swollen) I recalled the fight that we had and that I never did apologize. I’m sorry that I took my anger out on you that one time. I should have said sorry already then. I didn’t but I was. Still am.

For these last few days I keep thinking about what you said afterwards — when I finally mustered up the courage to grovel three days later. That I’m not someone you would pity and that I need not to apologize just change. You were so different then. You were strong. Stern. You didn’t take any of my shit and for that — thank you. I don’t know why but it made me love you more.

Huh. I just said it.

It’s kind of sad that you’ll never hear it.

to: [email protected]

subject: catching up! :D

HELLO!

It’s been two whole weeks since I last wrote to you. We’ve been so busy, I’ve barely had the time to sit down >⌓<｡

How are you? How is life back home? Did you meet up with those friends of yours? Did you find a new job? Did you find someone…new?

Maybe don’t tell me that last one haha

I’ve been…good. It’s a surprise really. I don’t miss you any less than I did yesterday or I will tomorrow but there’s not that horridly heavy sense in my chest today. I don’t know what happened in the moments before I wrote to you last and now. Maybe because I remembered how miserable you were here. You ate alone, no one really spoke to you. They liked you! They really did! I just guess…it’s too different here. It couldn’t have been easy to always think about what to say, how to say it and how people will perceive you. I pondered how I feel when overseas and I…I understand now why you were so closed off. You must have been protecting yourself, weren’t you? Like I was that day when my ankle was twisted.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that you came here at all, that we met but…I don’t want you here at the cost of your happiness. I think I’ve finally come to terms with that you left. Better you’re happy somewhere else, at your home with the people and things you know rather than you’re miserable here with me. I was not much of a help to you, wasn’t I? Always so scared of my own feelings and possibilities of future failings that I never even considered the present and how lonely you must have felt. I’m sorry that I wasn’t better for you.

I hope you’re among better people now. You deserve the world.

to: [email protected]

subject: something weird happened

So as I said in the subject, something weird happened?? Do you remember Eun-joo? She came to the studio one day and you asked me whether she was my lover. I blushed so hard then (>\\\\\\<) I don’t even know why. Just hearing you say the word “lover” aaaah it sounded so scandalous hehehe I must be crazy

Anyway, back then I said no, well, I yelled it and your face scrunched up in that adorable way it does when you’re both surprised and confused but yesterday she…uh…asked me out? On a date?

You never knew this but uhm…I kind of had a crush on her before you came along. I never asked her out because our schedules conflicted so much we barely spoke and I’ve always liked better to ask someone out in person, you know. And then well you arrived and uh…

I think you get it.

But now you’re gone and I said yes to Eun-joo.

Uh…was I allowed to do that? Why am I asking you? 「(°ヘ°)

to: [email protected]

subject: hah

So….I went on a date and uhm…

I rejected her.

Well, somewhat. By the end of the evening, she was asking me about whom I was thinking about so much and well…it is true. I spent the entire night thinking about what you would have done, what you would have said instead of her. Unwittingly I found myself yearning not for her enthusiastic compliments but for your dry ass remarks.

We’ve decided to stay as friends.

I don’t think I’ll be dating anytime soon.

I’d say that I’m absolutely okay with you seeing someone but you know me — I’m jealous as all hell just thinking about it (￣ε￣)

Seoul in particular is the kind of city that never sleeps. Jungkook is once again made sure of that when he tries to sleep but cannot. Bam’s snores fill up the otherwise quiet room as he tosses to and fro. This last letter, about the deep clean, is not giving him rest. He keeps recalling that rainy day in the park, not even wishing he’d done things differently but just wishing he could still see you. That this…hope, twisting around his neck like a noose, would end. If he would bear no hope he wouldn’t still dream, would he? He would be able to rest, wouldn’t he?

God, he needs to rest. He’s given you his mind and soul and if you were his sun, you could spare him at least some clarity. He didn’t care anymore — be it cold or cruel. He needed to be let go even if he probably won’t let you go himself.

Jumping out the bed, he makes a quick beeline to the still running laptop. Bam rattles in his cage, disturbed by the sudden movement but his eyes fall too heavily to muster up a bark. Seconds later, he’s already slumbering. While Jungkook is wide awake, fingers clattering noisily against the keyboard.

June 16th

The small bottle of milk flowed just underneath his nose as heartless rain continued to pelt the ground below. Thick smell of petrichor swirled the air around. Stunned, Jungkook lifted his head and traced the hand that held the milk for him.

Seeing you he gave a feeble smile.

Of course you would be here when he thought he was alone.

“How did you find me?” he rasped, accepting the bottle though not moving to puncture the small foliage.

With a sigh, you settled on the swing next to his — it produced a horribly dragged out screech.

“I didn’t,” you shrugged. “I just walked by and saw you.”

“And just so happened to have my favourite brand of milk?” he arched an eyebrow and because the rain made his eyes blurry, he thought, he deluded himself for a second that you blushed. Blushed and darted your gaze guiltily away to settle upon the crowded Seoul horizon.

“I’ve noticed you drinking it so I bought it…to try,” you coughed and silence fell upon the world.

The day was hot, extremely humid, even the falling rain did not help in the matter. Why did he come here, to this empty park on the far side of the city Jungkook did not know. Could it be….no, that was impossible. Nothing so childishly romantic could not take root in a cruel, unforgiving reality.

“You’re feeling down again?” you inquired, swinging back and forth, the plastic bag swinging next to you. He wondered what you bought, what you ate to feel good and full.

“Yeah, just a bit,” he lied, scuffing the soles of his shoes against the ground.

“A bit,” you repeated in a barely audible mutter. “Are you sure it’s a bit?”

“Do you think I’m lying?”

But despite the shortness of time, Jungkook had changed. His voice held neither malice, nor challenge. In fact the irony was all but obvious in the lilt of his tone. He was lying and you knew that he was.

“Yes,” easily, you replied, pulling a snort of amusement from the depths of his chest. “You’re mostly a terrible liar but also surprisingly good when it comes to hiding yourself.”

“And are you?” Jungkook asked, daring for the first time to take a proper look at you. It was so…difficult. For him it was like staring at the sun. It was oftentimes easier to not look lest he dreamt too much. “Are you a good liar?”

You stared at the ground, closing your eyes for a brief second of what seemed to be utter heartbreak.

“I’m an excellent liar,” you murmured. When you opened your eyes once more, the bout of sudden vulnerability was gone. You shuck it off like dogs did water and once again Jungkook sat absolutely mesmerized at how you were able to do it.

“But it can’t be helped,” you concluded firmly.

“Why are you an excellent liar?” Jungkook teased you further, feeling the beat of his heart stumble and clamber. Maybe…

“I’m in love with someone but…it’s not reciprocated,” you swung back and forth, purposefully avoiding his gaze.

The excited dash of his heart came crashing down, punching up arid bile at the back of Jungkook’s throat. In love with another, huh.

“Why do you think it’s not reciprocated?” gently, he questioned, gripping the milk between his trembling fingers.

“It just can’t be,” you refuted stubbornly. “I think he sees me in the same way people do…desks. Or notebooks.”

“Notebooks?”

“Yeah, you know,” you pursed your lips and the sheer amount of grief that passed your features made Jungkook sick. Whoever this son of a bitch was that made you this said deserved a motorbike in the face. “People can genuinely like their stuff until they’re in good use but once that use runs out,” you sucked a breath through your gritted teeth. “They replace it and forget all about them in the end. It’s that sort of like.”

“That smooth-brained son of a bitch,” he cried out angrily. “Damn, I should beat that foul smelling dickwad to the last inch of his life. How dare he treat our fairy like that?!”

Tearily you laughed and more than anything Jungkook wanted to hold your hand and lull the pain. But he couldn’t. He had no place in your life. Not really. So he held the milk instead — the bottle popping up from the pressure underneath his palm.

Dumbly, you both looked as it leaked down onto the ground.

“Smooth-brained,” you chuckled to yourself. “Perhaps. But he smells nice.”

Jungkook tried not to sulk at this new piece of information. Too many nice-smelling but dumb people rolled around the circles of his acquaintances — he couldn’t track the son of a bitch down even if he tried. He had no idea how lucky he was. Jungkook’s sun was giving him warmth and he dared not to care for it.

“What’s got you looking so dour yourself?”

“Oh,” he swallowed nervously, his gaze rapidly growing so hazy, even when staying still, he could swear the world was trembling. “I like someone myself. They’re kind to me, strict albeit kind, however…” he sat, transfixed somberly on the ground. One glimpse at you and he’d break. One glimpse and he’d force this ocean of his feelings upon you. He’d make you feel bad — it was always awkward to hear a love confession from someone whom you did not like. So he had to be strong. Had to be strong for you, as strange as it sounded. “I’m not good enough for them.”

“That’s nonsense,” you scoffed, beginning to swing back and forth. The ends of your shoes grew wet as briefly you found yourself amidst the rain.

“I meant me, just Jeon Jungkook, is not good enough,” he clarified with an eye roll. “I didn’t mean Jungkook the idol.”

“Neither did I."

The rain kept pouring the entire afternoon and it was one of the happiest days Jungkook had ever lived through.

Shame you left soon after.

to: [email protected]

subject: please

Even if...even if the year we spent together meant nothing to you, that the kindness you extended towards me, that the help you sent my way unknowingly pulling me from a pit of inescapable darkness is nothing but an empty void, no more deserving of your attention than the dirt on the side of the road, I beg of you to be gracious once more. Just write to me. Just one letter is all I ask for. No matter what you have to say, should it be something as little as one singular "bye", please, write to me. I'll keep you in my thoughts, forever most likely as you've made your home in them.

Sincerely,

Jeon Jungkook.

tagging: @pinkcherrybombs; @devilsbooksworld; @btsiguess-kpop; @belladaises; @halesandy; @seok-jinnies; @themochiverse; @cuteipat; @ratherbefangirling; @manchuria; @chimchimmarie; @smalliechelle; @koostarcandy; @flitzerj; @royallyjjk; @dreamamubarak; @anti-social-mochi267; @jung-nika-hoseok; @silverliningsandstorms;

#bts scenarios #bts angst #jungkook x y/n #jungkook scenarios #jungkook angst #jungkook x reader #jungkook x you #bts drabble #bts oneshot #jungkook drabble #jungkook oneshot

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prettyboysdontlookatexplosions · 7 months

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GOD!!! is this My Very Favorite Moment In All Of Dracula? it might be, friends. it might be. let's consider:

as always i love bram's concern for the practical logistics. mina has no reason to expect that dr. seward is talking to himself to record his diary, so she thinks he has company and then enters all, "uhhh...."

techbro seward finally able to show off his gadget to someone who gives a shit

MINA HARKER DOCUMENTATION NERD SUPREME dorking out about the incredible coolness of the phonograph ("why, this beats even shorthand!" just absolutely kills me

they have known each other for five minutes and are brought together because of wildly unrelated circumstances but they immediately fall into being dweebs together which is so awesome because it's so true to both of them and also a wonderfully bittersweet belated confirmation that lucy knows her friends and was right when she said they would get along great

seward is so excited about playing his little high-tech phonograph diary for someone that for a moment he lives in a world where it's not him rambling on about his his favorite homicidal maniac's spiders buffet occasionally punctuated by expressions of depression and heartbreak before turning into an accounting of the horrific death undeath and redeath of mina's best friend with whom he was in love

i think i actually missed last year the detail that when he first says he can't find a particular spot he's just trying to lie and doing it so badly he both is totally transparent to mina and accidentally says something true

and, also, HE REALIZES JUST NOW THAT HE HAS SPENT FOUR MONTHS KEEPING A DIARY OSTENSIBLY FOR SEMI-PROFESSIONAL PURPOSES AND HAS NEVER EVEN CONSIDERED THE QUESTION OF HOW TO FIND A PARTICULAR SPOT!!!!

bram your MIND

jack is such a loser i love him so much

"with the naivete of a child" kills me like he got so distracted by his own dumbassery that he forgot that he's trying to play the serious and impressive doctor

mina can't help but laugh at what a loser he is and he gives her a little :[ about it

but then it's like once the jig is up he can't find it in himself to bother anymore

in general after months of mr. serious doctor muttering darkly into his phonograph this is i believe the first description we've had of seward's behavior from another character's perspective since may, and it sure does match with the guy playing with a knife to try to seem chill and accidentally sitting on his hat!

before she got there seward was like "gotta keep things chill for the Lady" and mina is like "oh lucy died by vampire got it i gotta get my hands on those the vampire details"

she is DETERMINED she is RESOLUTE she is PUTTING THE PIECES TOGETHER which can only mean one thing: TIME FOR THE TYPEWRITER!!!!!!

scene of all time book of all time characters of all time everything about this brings me so much screaming joy it makes me wanna punch the sky

#dracula daily

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buckyandgeraltsupremacy · 11 months

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Not Alone Part 3 (Joel Miller x Fem!Reader)

joel miller x fem!reader

when you find yourself completely alone, you might just have to look up to realize you aren't.

warnings: mentioned death of family members; injuries; soft!joel; typos lol

author: sj

materlist

part one / part two

---

The next few weeks went by, a routine forming. Ellie would come knock on your door for breakfast and dinner, chatting your ear off until you both made it to her and Joel's house for the meal. You adored her. She never ceased to make you smile and giggle. She reminded you of Luke, but not in a depressing way, in a joyful way.

This dinner was different though. Your wrist was almost completely better. You didn't need the sling any more and you were able to do most things with it, your strength almost fully back. You still went easy on it, but it was time to start pulling your weight again. So, after dinner, once Ellie went upstairs to her room to do homework, you collected the dishes and went to the sink to wash them.

Joel, got up immediately, collecting the dishes right out of your hands and situating himself in front of you at the sink so you couldn't wash them.

"Joel." You sighed.

"You're not fucking washing them." He grunted. There hasn't been many exchanges between the two of you with out Ellie, or even with her to be honest.

"Joel, my wrist is better now." You insisted.

"Okay. And? Does it look like I'm gonna let you wash 'em still?" He asked while continuing to wash the dishes. You sighed again. After a few minutes of silence and only hearing the water running, you spoke up.

"I just wanted to thank you for taking care of me these past few weeks. I owe you so much. I talked to Tommy and he got me some shifts that shouldn't be too hard of labor for the rest of the healing process so I won't need to mooch off of you guys any more." You said, sitting back down in the chair at his table. He shut off the water.

"You don't owe me anything. Ellie has enjoyed your company and that is payment enough." He said, rolling up his sleeves to his elbows. You looked away from the forearm porn that was happening, knowing you would just stare. You had always been attracted to Joel, but it was getting to the point recently that you couldn't even look at him too long without blushing. Man. What you would do for a vibrator.

"I do owe you. You're providing for two and I only have myself to feed," your heart twisted at the reminder, "I'll give you some rations when I start earning them tomorrow, I promise."

"No. You won't. You'll keep them to yourself so you can eat properly." Joel huffed out, disgruntled by the thought of you thinking you owe him. In reality, he was more than happy to feed you. He actually got great joy from seeing you come in the house every night and routinely ask, 'what's for dinner' while sniffing the air with a big smile on your face.

When you left that night, you thanked him before walking across his back yard to yours and entering through the back. You knew you'd need a good sleep before your morning shift and tucked in early that night.

The next morning, Ellie got out of bed like normal and went downstairs to see Joel in the kitchen fixing breakfast. "I'll go grab Y/n." She said, pushing out the back door.

"Wait!" Joel grumbled. She paused at the door with an expectant look on her face. "She has a shift this morning at the stables. Tommy told me. Her wrist is doing a lot better and she won't be eating with us now." Unbeknownst to you, after you left, Joel went across the street to Tommy's and practically interrogated him about the jobs you were taking. If they were safe, what time, and if they were light on lifting.

Tommy just smirked and told him the information with a knowing smile on his face. He told him that you were going to be working in the stables and on the janitorial staff at the school. Joel took a big breath of relief, knowing you'd be safe. Tommy still had that dumb, knowing smirk and Joel left muttering at him to 'shut the fuck up'.

A few days later, you had started making meals by yourself again. You weren't quite sure why, but every meal came with dread knowing you'd be eating alone. You didn't want to think that you were attached to Joel and Ellie, but after such a big loss as your brother, you knew that you probably attached to them a little soon. You still saw Ellie quite a bit, especially with working some shifts at the school. She would always make it a point to say hi to you in the halls and find you in the cafeteria for lunch instead of sitting with her peers when you were at the school.

You saw Joel every once in a while when you were working in the barns but there was never much chit chat between the two of you. You would just give him a smile and he would slightly tilt his lips up at you and give a nod.

This morning, you were working in the barns when Joel approached you. "Hi Joel!" You smiled brightly. How someone who is shoveling shit at 9 am could be this smiley, he would never know.

"Hey. I was just... um... wondering if you would want to come over for dinner tonight?" You smile widened and he got some more confidence. "Ellie misses you and we thought we would see if you'd wanna join us tonight?"

"I would love to. Its kind of depressing eating alone for every meal." You said, the truth cracking through your words like thin ice.

"Well, we'd love to have you. For as many meals as you would like. We really don't mind." Joel said, hoping that you'd hear the words trying to show through. He misses you in his house. Misses your smiles at the table and wants you stay in his house as long as you'd like. "You're not alone ya know. You've got us."

Dinner that night was different. He was more giving with his smiles. The hardness in is face was softening. It was like looking at the sun. He was the most beautiful thing you'd ever seen. Little did you know that Joel was thinking the exact same thing about you.

The next night, after your school shift. You were getting out of the shower and had just put on clothes to make dinner. Your back door opened and you turned, expecting to see Ellie, instead, seeing Joel. You gave him a smile, excited to see him in your place.

"Hi Joel."

"You leave doors open for people to walk in?" He grumbled. He walked towards you with his hands on his hips and that signature pinched eyebrows. You giggled.

"I don't normally, no. But I got into the habit of leaving it unlocked for Ellie. I don't want her to feel like she isn't welcome here. She always is." His pinched eyebrows pinched less and his shoulders relaxed a bit.

"Angel, thats sweet of ya, but you're gonna get killed." He said casually. Your heart had seemed to leap out of your throat and you wouldn't be surprised if it was beating on the floor at his feet. Your cheeks turned pink and you busied yourself around the kitchen doing absolutely nothing.

"Honey. come over. We miss you." Joel's voice seemed to have gotten more gravelly in point two seconds.

"I was just over last night Joel. I don't want to intrude and steal more of your food." You said glancing over your shoulder at him. In all honesty, you'd love to but you felt too guilty taking advantage of his hard work like that. He walked towards you and you turned around, hips resting on the counter behind you.

"You could steal all my damn food and I'd say thank you. It makes Ellie happy to have you round and it makes me feel like I'm fucking 16 again eating dinner with a pretty girl. Please. I miss you." Your jaw was on the ground. What was this alternate universe. You stepped towards him and into his arms, you head meeting his chest and wrapping him up in the biggest hug you could muster. He hugged you back, running his calloused hands over your shirt.

"What has gotten into you, you sappy man." You laughed.

"Tommy told me that some guy at the stables was flirtin with ya and that really got my ass in gear. Couldn't let you eat in someone else's house now could I?" He grinned over your head.

"I would love to come eat with you." You leaned back, looking into his eyes.

"Good. Cause theres a lot meals a head of us." He said, gaze flickering from your eyes to your mouth. His lips met yours in a soft but powerful kiss. Never did you think Joel Miller would be so gentle with you.

"Ew. Get your asses over here. I'm fucking starving." Ellie complained from your back door, hand dramatically covering her eyes. You and Joel both breathed a laugh, grabbed hands and headed over to their house.

#joel miller #joel miller hbo #joel miller the last of us #joel miller x reader #joel miller x reader fluff #joel miller x you #the last of us #soft!joel miller #joel miller soft

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cheeseplants · 9 months

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Why Crowley and Aziraphale need to be apart before they can be together

CRACKS KNUCKLES. Let’s go.

Let’s start with Crowley. Despite the fact that Crowley is the one who says he has separated himself from Hell (and Heaven) - when we find him at the beginning of S2 he has become a bit of a shell of himself without a role to fall into.

He is living in his car, and he is still giving advice to the Hell’s representative on earth despite the fact he wants nothing to do with Hell, and he mainly spends his time following Aziraphale around. He is clearly quite depressed, when he says “isn’t it all a bit pointless”, but he doesn’t know how to deal with that.

The thing about Crowley is he is pretty damn codependent. He sees himself as the strong one, the rescuer, the maker of plans, this is his way of being close to people. Yet it is also a fairly dysfunctional way of existing.

Since losing Hell, Crowley has began to lose himself a lot. Aziraphale for all his love of Heaven actually has a pretty full life that belongs to him - he owns a bookshop, he has hobbies, he has friends, he loves food.

What does Crowley have or do? His plants? Aziraphale? Shax even? His Bentley? And what do most of those things have in common, he looks after them.

And you see this a lot in S2 - “You love waiting inside”, “Can I watch?” “Rescuing me makes him so happy” “My only friend”. Aziraphale plays into this part of Crowley because he thinks it makes him happy, but actually, it denies Crowley his own sense of self. Even his beloved Bentley somehow gets co-opted by Aziraphale. And yes all this is very cute, but it speaks to a wider problem for both of them, which I will get into.

Now let’s talk about Aziraphale and what steps he brings to this merry dance. Now, I love Aziraphale - his infectious joy, his campness, he is, in essence, delightful BUT he is also pretty damn manipulative at times and kind of mean to Crowley. And this plays into the same dance that Crowley is doing.

Take the S1 bandstand break-up scene, Aziraphale says ”We’re not friends. I don’t even like you,” which is a pretty cruel thing to say. When we know, he does like him and he seems to be aware that Crowley likes him too. Yet in the next scene we see them, Crowley is leaping to apologise to Aziraphale and Aziraphale does not apologise back. In fact what he says instead is “I forgive you”.

Any time their relationship starts to get closer, Aziraphale rejects him and then Crowley comes back and asks for forgiveness, which Aziraphale grants him. That is because while Aziraphale does want to be closer to Crowley, he is terrified of it, and he knows that if he rejects Crowley - he will come back anyway - so they can keep going like that ad nauseam for eternity (or so they think). They both get to secretly know they love each other, while keeping their distance, which is how they have managed to act that way for 6,000 years.

What’s even sadder is that a part of Crowley deep down believes he deserves to be rejected, because he was rejected from Heaven. And what does Aziraphale represent? Heaven.

In essence, I think this is the crux of their entire relationship. We get the feeling that Crowley’s experience of Heaven has been erased, and therefore he is missing a part of himself. And that is perhaps what partly draws him to Aziraphale, and why he begins to meld himself into Aziraphale.

He is trying to use Aziraphale as his connection to Heaven, but he also feels unworthy of it - because he is Fallen, so he continually plays into this role of allowing himself to be rejected by Aziraphale, as long as deep down he can tell himself that the rejection isn’t real, that Aziraphale does love him, it’s just something he says.

For Aziraphale, Crowley truly allows him to be himself without the pressures of Heaven. He uses Crowley to deal with all his own struggles and misgivings about the way Heaven works. Crowley becomes the mouthpiece for Aziraphale’s internal conflict, and therefore Aziraphale doesn’t have to say or do anything about it himself.

Essentially they are both trying to use each other to fill in the gaps that they are in denial about in themselves.

They keep pretending that this is all okay UNTIL…

The last ten minutes of S2. Because here shit gets real, and all the BS they have been avoiding comes to the surface.

Crowley yet again says: “we could have been an us”, “we could go off together” - BUT Aziraphale doesn’t just want to be an us. He wants to be an us within a larger group. He doesn’t want to exist as just Aziraphale and Crowley, he doesn’t want that to define him.

He can’t exist just as someone for Crowley to love and rescue, he wants to be more than that. And even though Aziraphale is still being brainwashed by Heaven and his own trauma is coming into play, he also has never wanted for it to just be him and Crowley. This is shown in the Book of Job story, Crowley accepts his loneliness as a sacrifice he must endure, whereas Aziraphale doesn’t.

He wants a life with both of them, AND others. Crowley wants them to just be an us. He is asking Aziraphale to give up one of the things that actually draws Crowley to him - not only him being an Angel, but him being his own entity as Aziraphale.

And that is why this is such a great ending. Because all the conflict plays out - Aziraphale says come be with me and Heaven, and Crowley says come be with me without others. And then they begin their little dance Aziraphale hurts Crowley, he rejects him, but instead of playing along this time Crowley steps out of the dance.

And here’s why that is a good thing. Crowley needs to be his own person who feels valued by Aziraphale for who he is. He can no longer keep existing purely as someone who is constantly kept close and at arm's length. He needs to discover himself, perhaps even his old Angelic self, so he can become whole without Aziraphale filling in the gaps for him.

And that’s why I think there were so many hints about Crowley’s past in this series, because Crowley needs to become whole again, so he is able to demand an equal relationship from Aziraphale. It is telling that Aziraphale offers Crowley the option of being his “second in command”, some unspoken part of how they see each other in the relationship.

Aziraphale needs to learn that if he wants a relationship with Crowley he has to truly work for it, and not expect that Crowley will keep waiting for him and coming back forever.

He needs to learn how to close that gap without running away scared. He needs to turn to Heaven, the place he has been using to keep his distance from Crowley, so he can discover that isn’t what he wants.

Aziraphale really needs to let go of his own goodness, in a way. He needs to really feel that he has hurt Crowley, that by rejecting him, he has caused him harm. That righteousness isn’t being good, and that as Crowley has said all along - “there is something to be said for shades of grey.” He needs to realise he can express his own feelings about Heaven, rather than relying on Crowley to do it for him.

The only way they can truly be together is if they are apart, and stop using each other to fill in those gaps, and find it in themselves. And therefore love each other as they truly are, and as equals who are both parts Heaven and Hell. This is essentially the wider theme of Good Omens, that we are all black and white, it would make sense that this is final Act of the story.

Anyway there is a million more things to unpack, but my brain was desperate to get all this out.

#good omens #goodomens #aziraphale #crowley #aziracrow #goodomens2 #good omens 2 #good omens season 2 #neil gaiman #ineffable husbands

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red-umbrella-811 · 2 months

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Okay, so I wrote this on reddit to a depression doomer, but I want someone who might have an iota of openness to considering it to read it, so I'm posting it here. I assume there will be doomers here too, because depression is depressing. All of these things are things that I've tried, and all of them are things that have made my life better than it was before. All of them I have started in an incredibly janky way and they've still helped. If anyone is interested (or I receive the same combination of depression-based hostility and intense focus), I'll make separate posts on how to actually do the thing.

Things that might make a person's depression improve that don't involved going to a therapist:

Aerobic exercise 4x/week

Membership in a community/close relationships/human touch/human interaction. I'm bundling these together, because in a practical sense, you're making about the same decisions yourself, and the interactions with other people will follow. I recommend finding a "Third Place," such as a sports league or dance community (see exercise), game/knitting/metaphysical store, bar, cafe, meetup group, adult learning class, regular volunteering gig, music venue, RPG group, book club, brunch group...you get the idea. The best ones are open to the public if you're socially isolated or looking to date, because you'll meet a greater variety of people, but anywhere where the same amorphous or literal group of people shows up at a place and time will help you build relationships.

Omega 3 Fatty acids, Vitamin D, Vitamin B-complex, Magnesium: I'm not a doctor and this is not medical advice. They might give you energy and run your body more smoothly.

St. John's Wort: I'm giving this its own thing because the above are supplements that the body gets in its diet, this is a drug™, but you can purchase it over the counter. It inhibits the reuptake of serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine, for which there is some evidence that it helps depression on a chemical level. It has mad drug interactions and PLEASE do your research before taking it.

A lot of things in the cognitive behavioral therapy realm. Gratitude practices, affirmations, I'm sure there are CBT workbooks for depression that one could find. The idea is to reframe your thoughts to make sure they are a) true and b) priming you to feel emotions and take actions that will make your life suck less.

Going outside. Living in a suboptimal space is depressing, and so many of us do it. We do better when we see and hear trees. We do better when we see and feel the sun. We process things when our brains run electricity back and forth between the two sides, as happens when walking (drumming is also good for this, or bilateral stimulation from something else).

Accomplish things. I know. This, even more than the many difficult things I've listed, probably feels impossible, but I'm writing it anyway, because it really does help. If you have small tasks you've been putting off, try and get one done. Break up big tasks into accomplishable steps. Not like "Clean the house" to "Clean the bathroom," like "Clean the house" to "throw all the trash on the couch in the trash can" or "get out all the products to clean the bathroom" (the second kind doesn't vibe with me but some people like it)

You'll notice none of this is going to fix the world, except for the shitty little corner the person doing it is sitting in. That's the point. There is so much wrong with the world, and it asks a lot of us to fix it: our labor, yes, and also our joy. And also, our ability to get out of bed in the morning, our ability to send emails, our ability to check in on each other, our ability to keep ourselves out of entanglements with the state and other institutions. I'm not saying this because it's fair, I'm saying it because it's the way out I see in front of us.

#mental health #surviving capitalism #self care #exercise #(that's for a trigger tag)#herbal medicine #hope #hopepunk

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writerslittlelibrary · 2 months

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(Little vent post lol. Tw: Talks of suicide)

Does anyone else just feel really hopeless? I turned 17 like two weeks ago, and I feel like I'm wasting my life. I graduated school last year and I didn't know what to study so I took a gap year. I keep feeling like I'm wasting my teenage years because I'm not doing anything with my life. Most days, I just stay in my room, scrolling on my phone or writing stories. Sure, I babysit every week, but besides that, I don't really do anything.

My mom and my brother keep pestering me about the fact that I'm lazy. They keep saying that I have to go so things with my life. My dad keeps saying that I have to find something to do as well. He keeps pushing his own spiritual beliefs on me, saying I need to do certain retreats and meditations and stuff. He says that these are the best years of my life. That I have the time and I should do something with it.

Honestly, I keep feeling pressured about the fact that I'm supposed to do something with my time, which, in turn, only makes me waste more of it. It's like I'm frozen from doing things. All the days just blend together and I don't feel any purpose.

The truth is, I never felt any purpose in my life. I thought about suicide a lot when I was younger, and I still consider it sometimes. I don't think that it is something I would actually do, but the thought that I can feels like a nice fail safe.

If these are truly the best years of my life, then I'm certain that this life isn't one I want to lead. My life has sucked since I was 13, which was in 2020, and although I'm not as depressed anymore as I was then, I'm not happy. I don't like this life that I live and I'm terrified that it's one I'm going to have to live until I die.

I do know about shifting, and for 4 years, it has been the thing that has kept me going. The thought of leaving this reality and being in one where I can be happy is comforting. I don't care about leaving this reality behind, and I don't care much about leaving my family. I guess it makes me heartless, but it's just something I don't struggle with.

However, I haven't shifted yet, and every day, my belief that it exists weakens, and I'm a little closer to giving up. I know I can't give up. Shifting feels like the only way I can ever be happy.

I wasn't meant for a life like this. I get no joy out of living. Doing fun things doesn't last for me, and I can't really access memories. When something happens, it's fun, but when it's over, it's gone. My brother seems happy, and so does my mom, but I just feel lost. Life has no purpose for me, yet my only purpose is to leave it.

(Sorry for the people getting a notification and thinking I posted another story. I'll get a new one out before friday:))

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gethoce · 4 days

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Hey uh, how does it feel to be that much of a great artist? Like, genuinely, you're so... Like, amazing what you do here, your art? Top Notch, the character designs are so unique, but they all feel like they have a soul, in the best way possible. All intrinsical shapes and sizes, motivations, color palletes, everything is so good. The writing? Stellar, basing your matters on actual folklore, history and mythology is genuinely so great. Your reinterpretations of Canon characters? Incredible, Metamorpho isn't really something I ship yet you somehow made me enjoy it when you draw it yourself, as well as things like Sir Arthur and Specially Morpho give me joy.

Your art is such an inspiration... You inspired me to make my own stuff! Even if I sometimes am jealous of it fjdjdj, like what you do is so good that it makes me a little bit angry, in the best way possible.

George coming in strong once again to boost my confidence. Your comments are very much appreciated and highly valued. Every artist longs for motivational boosts like this. I am flattered, to say the least and delighted to hear that I have inspired you!! eje6e5f2uf

That being said, how does it feel? I’m in constant fear of failure. I could probably easily list like 20 artists I wished I could be more like without even leaving Kirblr. If you ever wonder whether I too feel insecure about my art the answer is yes. I've been trying to find something to work on that the community enjoys in greater numbers for almost a year and failed time and time again. But we keep on going all the same :galathumb:

Anyway, on a brighter note, Metamorpho! Or how I like to call it Morphometa because the Metamorpho tag is terrible for finding art of them which might contribute to the low popularity of the ship. As a matter of fact, it is so unpopular there doesn't even appear to be a ship name to borrow from the Japanese fandom.

What is the appeal for me in this ship? They have chemistry for being warriors of similar moral standing but there gotta be more than that. In the case of my interpretation, spoiler alert, it's the depressed guy and reaper dynamic. One who views himself as a monster that wants to go out as a hero never to be seen as what he is and a one who on surface level is a being of life and light but has hidden flaws that haunt his mind every second of every day. One who sees the good in the other and wishes for him to see the bad in him as opposed to the one who just can't do either. There is a wish to be understood and over time they learn to be just that for each other.

Then Sir Arthur… a terrible person who is trying to become better without ever being held accountable for his action. Someone who thinks he has successfully left his past behind only for potential secrets to be exposed. A man who is willing to switch sides at any second if he sees no way towards redemption anymore. Never turn your back towards this man.

#gethoce #answered ask #i may have rambled a little too much #anyway back to work i go

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familyofpaladins · 19 hours

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You ever just get stuck by the silliest au idea and then suddenly its consumed your mind?

Anyway TMNT Princess Bride au

Most characters taken from the 2003 series, but personality of turtles might be closer to Rise series

(I wrote this in the notes of my phone so forgive typos and weird thought process lol)

Casey is buttercup. April is westly (Originally, and what inspired this whole thing. Was that karai was buttercup and Chapman was westley lol)

The turtle bros work for stockman (bishop?) Because he says he has he will help them find their father's killer. A man who has 3 scars along his chin.

Casey just a simple farmer (oh my god. The farm house) with April there to help feed chickens and milk cows and such and such (Would she only say as you wish?? Would she be that submissive? Idk. Maybe she would as long as he promised not to call her babe lol) (LMAO HER PHRASE IS DONT CALL ME BABE INSTEAD OF AS YOU WISH LOLOLOL)

Eventually she goes off to maybe get soem schooling or soemthing. But her ship gets [sunk/destroyed] by the Dread Pirate Krang. April doesn't return and after years Casey believes she died.

Then the local royalty happens to pass by and the princess (karai)(who is told needs to find a husband so she can finally become queen) decides to make Casey her groom.

Casey still in a depressive gloom doesnt do much to reject her.

One day when Casey is out on a run (one of his few joys) he gets kidnapped by 4 demihuman turtles . :D

But then. A stranger begins to follow them. A (wo)man in black

I've mostly been going from 03 inspiration of character. But the turtles might be a little more Rise based.

Leo is inigo foil. The master swordsman. And the banter. "You seem a decent fellow, I hate to kill you" "you seem a decent fellow. I hate to die" I am not left handed. He Asks april "ever seen a man with 3 scars along his chin?" "Do you ask everyone that question?

Raph is Fezzik . Big. The muscle. (Kind) Mikey doesnt have a direct foil. May have his own individual fight with april or possibly works with raph. The muscle and taunting words and stuff idk

Stockman is arrogant and thinks hes the smartest around. Accepts April's challenge.

Don is there to keep a hold on Casey. (He plays the game a long in his mind that it doenst actually take any posion). Once stockman is dead, Don just asks for th truth about what happen to the rest of his brothers, April tells him they are just knocked out and will be fine. He says he doenst really care about keeping casey as they were just doing it to work with stockman and well he's dead so no point. Bye crazy smart lady and sad prince to be. And he leaves to meet up with his brothers.

Cue april trying to lead casey away and him being like. Oh you're the pirate that killed the love of my life! Blah blah blah so you can shove it babe!

*falling down hill* doooon't caaaaaall me baaaaaaabe! Oh my sweet april ehat have I done!? *throws self down cliff*

They go through the forest (lmao splinter as rous) (not actually but the image is funny)

And Karai and her advisor Oroku Saki meet them and casey begs her to let april go instead of killing her.

April notes that the advisor has 3 scars a long his chin. That's right. Shredder is what's his face and killed splinter. (Sorry splints. You had to die in this au)

April is taken to Bishop who experiments on his death machine. Just doing his job and having fun with his toys.

BUT

shredder shows up when he learns about the demihumans and asks too many questions about the demi humans shes ever encountered. (Theres a small but decent population in the kingdom) but especially that turtles she encountered last. April doesn't care (she does but more concerned about casey) and asks instead about casey and telling him shes never going to stop.

Karai may or may not visit April… idk. But honestly she doesnt really care about marrying casey but she needs to in order to get the crown.

Anyway its shredder who throws a hissy fit and cranks up the machine "killing" april

Meanwhile the turtles have regrouped but leo is super depressed because he failed and now theh have no lead on their father's killer. Brothers eventually pull him out of it.

They hear aprils cry?? They want "the woman in black" to help them??

Idk they go look for her

("Father guide my sword" is SUCH a thing Leo would do and the humor of it hitting the tree then opening the door is peak tmnt.)

Oh no shes dead

Enter miracle max. I mean the ancient one."she is only MOSTLY dead"

Tang shen: "I'm not a witch! I'm your daughter!" (Maybe. This might change)

They all have to push raph on the cart to break into the castle. Hun is the door keeper lol

Leo goes after shredder. Raph is hauling April around. Ikd what mikey and don are doing exactly. Maybe they split off to look for karai and/or casey

Leo: RAPH!! RAAAAPH. HE'S GETTING AWAY! RAPH

Raph: sighs and puts april down carefully and goes knocks down the door for leo. Comes back to everyone gone. "Now whered everybody go??"

April somehow gets to Casey's room. Casey is thrilled.

Karai shows up… idk. Ask why she really is doing this. Is it what she really wants? Or is it just what shredder has convinced her she needs to do (marry become queen go to war and take over other kingdoms)

Karai seems to consider it (maybe) but still cant have her groom just be carted off. April says okay let's fight then. I've taken on demihimans and been dead and came back, you really want to fight?

Karai considers and concedes. They tie her up so it doesnt look like she just wlt them go.

Karai let's them all leave and ends up marrying one of the chamber men[squire/stable boy/man servant] (is that a real term???) Chapman.

Leo don and mikey all catch up and somehow raph went and found them all horses to ride out on. Happily ever after

Cody is the grandson. Hamato yoshi/splinter is the grandfather

#It's so silly but I've been thinking about if for the past two days #Tmnt #Tmnt 2003 #Tmnt princess bride au #Princess bride au #Whoops that got long #April o'neil #Casey jones #teenage mutant ninja turtles #Leonardo #Donatello #Raphael #michelangelo

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pb-dot · 4 months

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Yuletide Ramblings

While I'm not religious by any measure, Christmas in Norway is honestly a decently secular experience once you tune out all the songs about Jesus and roses springing from barren fields and whatnot. This is to say that the holidays have always been about family and the people close to me. I may be overstepping my bounds a bit, but let's include my dear tumblr moots and general tumbl-o-sphere in the proceedings and talk a little bit about my 2023 on Tumblr.

If I'm going to be frank, and I want to unless the opportunity to be earnest should present itself, 2023 was a tough year for me. My ongoing journey to finding treatment for my depression stalled out, and my job search has similarly been quietly moved from the "top priority" box to the "it'll happen when it happens"-pile. I've been able to do this much thanks to the welfare systems in my neck of the woods, and although the process has kind of sucked along a number of axises, I do acknowledge it has helped me.

What has also helped me, though, is you guys. After starting using the platform in June of this year, I have found replete friendship and support, an almost overwhelming torrent of commisseration, enthusiasm and the particular brand of weird that seems to be the first language around here. Y'all have helped me get writing and stay writing, and really have honed my "take it easy, but take it" approach to a razor's edge.

While many parts of the internet are slowly but surely content-ifying themselves into a desolate wasteland of human connection, Tumblr keeps going with actually trying out the "social" part of this whole social media thing. Granted, that may be because of incompetence in trying to follow the trends on Tumblr's end. Still, I want to thank all y'all for keeping it personal, for keeping it weird, and keeping it as free of the scourge of "personal branding" as one could conceivably make a site full of artists and freelancers.

Cheerleading social media sites isn't really my bag, but I will concede that I've grown quite attached to the way Tumblr does things, and the weird arbitrary ways it prods us into acting. It's all down to the people, of course, and I've found quite a batch of good eggs on this here site. I almost don't want to shoutout specific users because I'm afraid I'm going to forget someone truly marvelous and even though there's every chance they'll never notice, I will know and the snub will eat at me.

That said, I do want to shout out a couple of people who've made my first half a year of tumblr great. @toribookworm22's timely asks have certainly helped me keep track of the weekdays, as well as helped me with a bunch of worldbuilding and minutiae. @dyrewrites and @teacupsandstarlight have both been great to talk to, and I would be in dereliction of my duties if I didn't at least mention the illustrious @scifimagpie in this context as well. @jeahreading and I seem to mostly pass as ships in the night, but sometimes the distant sound of a foghorn can be just the thing, to torture the metaphor a little. @that-weird-kid-from-your-school is also a joy to talk to, and her palpable enthusiasm is great.

Now for some people whose work I follow who I don't speak to much because I am intimidated by their skills. @canisalbus and their adorable gay dog-men never cease to fill my heart with love. @secondlina and their crows similarly also make me smile. @mlm-blues and @were--ralph have both done wonders for my self-esteem, and it is nice to see and share the enthusiasm for lads on occasion. @shyroism is mostly off-site what with the streaming, but they're definitely an underrated streamer who could do with some more eyeballs on their work. @fidgetspringer is an awesome punk, an awesome artist (shoutout @fidgetspringer-art,) and has a truly magnificent beast of a bird hound. @everythingfox is an endless source of cute animals which is an obvious lifesaver, @bearotonin-international is Important, @raccoon-central similarly does some heavy lifting for my mental health with their lil' grabby hands. @bodhrancomedy is a good lad who does good videos and do the acting real good. @sootchild has good art and I like it.

I'm running out of steam, which is a shame because there are a lot of people who deserve just heaps of praise heaped upon them on here. Hell, if you're still reading at this point, rest assured I think you're at the very least awesome and deserve good things happening to you.

In closing, I would like to once again express my delight and joy for how Tumblr has been in my first half year, and I hope the however long until I get maudling again is just as good if not even better!

#peebs thinks #year-end retrospective

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shuttershocky · 1 year

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Does the passage of time ever depress you?

You know what depressed me? Being in college with half my department branding me as an undesirable graduate because of my poor grades and trying to boot me out. I was in and out of the admin office managing an appeal every time they kicked me. I was being told things like to be on my guard because I was being watched for the smallest mistake and professors that helped me would get in trouble. It was bad enough that someone raised ethical concerns about how they were treating me.

So one day I thought I'd rather just kill myself than explain to my parents that 5 years of tuition fees went down the drain because I took a course I was warned in high school that I couldn't do. I walked from my department to the road where I knew trucks drove fast and kept nearly hitting me wherever I crossed.

I waited for a truck, stepped out on to the road, then jumped back on to the sidewalk when this seething hatred for my department and academia surged through my thoughts and I realized if I died here then they'd finally get rid of me, but if I walked back and miraculously passed the hell semester they designed, then I'd be in their faces for one more year.

The truck flew past me, so close and so fast that the wind slapped my face. It didn't even bother to slow down when it saw a student on the road.

So I went back, and with the sheer power of venomous, unending spite (and some luck), I passed all my classes while doing both my thesis (I owe my adviser my life for her being so understanding, and my thesis was a truly cool project that sent me all over the place) and my part time job for a nearby indie game dev.

During my graduation, the Dean of Engineering (who I also owe my life to) asked the crowd to raise hands if they were graduating in 4 years. Then she asked for 5. Then 6. Then 7+, with the last batch laughing nervously while raising their hands. Then the Dean said to raise those hands with pride, because even if it took awhile and even if the grades weren't perfect, graduation is graduation. You did it. You're getting that degree.

And thats when it really hit me, you know? At the end of the day, I won. A bit unfortunate that none of my professors attended my graduation, because I really was hoping they'd see me get my degree. I wanted them to see that I wouldn't be there if I didn't learn to despise my department the way it despised me.

Does the passage of time depress me? Sometimes I feel nostalgic. My elementary school is gone now, and my high school is nearly unrecognizable after renovations. I've had difficulties keeping in touch with some friends who I still feel much fondness for, and I wish I had been there during some milestones of their lives. But the passage of time itself? No.

What depressed me was being told that I was undesirable. What depressed me was being told that I was being watched for the smallest mistakes. What depressed me was seeing the years of fluking my way through scholarships and other things meant for genuinely gifted kids and not good test-takers (I was good at memorization) finally catch up to me when my ambitions exceeded my abilities.

Now I'm a working adult with a completely different job using skills I got from the various part time jobs and internships I took over my college years rather than anything I actually learned from my classes. Having a daily grind sucks, and so does things like needing to buy food and pay taxes and all other necessities that shrink your salary, but it doesn't depress me.

Every time I feel down or tired, I recall the time I fucking won and this wide, hateful, bitter smile splits my face in two. I'm still here to enjoy the years go by, seething in my trauma, but still here.

Let me just add that I don't like recommending spite as a motivation. Hatred is exhausting and soul-sucking in a way that nothing else is like, and I'm the sort of person that prefers to find even a little joy in whatever I'm currently doing. I feel like if you push yourself forward through spite, you hollow yourself out and become unable to fully enjoy the good that you find.

I can't however, say that spite isn't real damn effective.

It sure worked for me.

#tw suicide mention

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alj4890 · 8 months

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If you get this, answer with three random facts about yourself and send it to the last seven blogs in your notifs! Anon or not, doesn’t matter!

Oof, I got five of these requests now 😂 Does that mean fifteen facts? I'll try to do three for each ask. I'm nowhere near interesting enough for this 🤣 Thanks @jerzwriter @angelasscribbles @twinkleallnight @peonierose @aussiegurl1234 for the asks 🥰

1. I have never left the United States. There were multiple times where I'd planned a trip or planned on spending a semester of school out of the country, but something major would happen to keep me stuck here 🤣 I don't think I'll ever get out of here😂

2. I'm an only child who grew up outside of Memphis, TN on fifty acres of land. My only neighbors were family members. My cousins are fourteen, eleven, and nine years older than me, so it was up to my imagination to entertain myself 😂

3. I married an only child. My husband and I decided to have at least two children after his father became seriously ill with his heart and we saw how hard it was on my husband in having to make all the decisions concerning life support. That's how I ended up being the mother of two.

4. I've never had to study. If I read something once, I'm able to remember just about all of it. Not really a photographic memory but close to it. I'm the same with hearing something. I can usually walk out of a movie theater, quoting lines from certain scenes.

5. I never wanted a big wedding (even though I have a huge extended family) because I hate being the center of attention. I dreamed of eloping somewhere beautiful, on a spur of the moment decision. I kinda got my dream. My husband gave in to eloping in the Smoky Mountains during a very snowy January, but he wanted it planned with a tux and wedding dress and just our parents. I gave in and was happy I did after finding the perfect dress and in seeing how much it meant to our parents

6. When I was twenty-nine, I had to have a complete hysterectomy. Benign tumors had taken over my ovaries and were embedded in my uterus. The ones in my uterus had grown and stretched it to the point where it was the size it would have been if I was three months pregnant. Since I wasn't pregnant, it was some of the worst physical pain I've ever experienced with it pressing into various nerves in my back and pelvic region. I've never been more excited to have surgery than that day.

7. I'm not really a crier. I can watch sad movies, lose loved ones, be depressed, but the tears rarely fall. People have been shocked and thought I either didn't really love them or that I have no heart. Trust me, I do, I just don't really cry. The few times I have broken down and actually had tears, my loved ones and friends have panicked not knowing what to do since I'm supposed to be the stoic one of the bunch. It ends up being like that scene in Sense and Sensibility when Emma Thompson breaks down 🤣 Everyone freezes or tries to leave the room 😂

8. I love to laugh and joke around. I have both a silly and extremely sarcastic sense of humor. I use humor in everything and as often as I can. I'm the one you sit by during serious situations if you want to diffuse the tension with a giggle. I've even made people laugh at funerals during my eulogies (all respectful and usually just a funny, sweet anecdote about my loved one). Life is too precious to not find all the little bits of joy we can.

9. I did everything that my late aunt predicted I would in life. She said I would get a teaching degree, which I did. She said I would meet my husband before I graduated college, which I did. She then said I would teach a few years before having my first child, which I did. She then said I would probably get my masters degree between my first and second child, which I swore I was done with college when I graduated but I did do that very thing and got my M.A.Ed. focusing on library sciences between having my two. And to make it all the sweeter, I ended up being like her with having two sons who were exactly the same years and months apart in age as hers were. She was beyond thrilled that I was just like her in that aspect 😂

10. I always thought I would have girls (most of my family has nothing but girls or at least one) Me and my late aunt were the only two to have nothing but boys. It worked out great for me. I've never been into fashion, not really into anything really girly, can't fix hair at all 🤣, and always loved all the superheroes, video games, and Star Wars stuff that makes me the perfect mom for my two boys.

11. I love classic movies. The silent era, the thirties (especially Pre-Code) and the forties are my favorites. I'm amazed with the special effects, the stunning sets, stories, and amazing acting the stars of the Golden Age of Hollywood created. I will devour not only their films, but biographies on anyone working during that time, documentaries, and any tidbit I can find. I was born during the wrong era.

12. I truly believe I could survive happily on nothing but cheese dip, chips, and salsa. And peppers! Jalapeno and Pepperoncini are my favorites. Ghost pepper is becoming a favorite too. Last night, I made a bowl of peppers and ate them like popcorn while watching TV. I love to burn 🤣

13. Winter is my favorite season. Snow is beautiful and I wish I lived somewhere where it was guaranteed to fall for months on end. That's the dream. One day, I hope to move either to Wyoming or to Maine (I've visited both and fell in love with both of them) 😂

14. The hardest thing I've ever experienced in my life was when I suffered a miscarriage. It was my first pregnancy and it was one that wasn't planned. My husband and I had only been married for about six or seven months when I discovered I was pregnant. I was over the moon excited. I bought maternity clothes, started buying baby things like little outfits, bows, toys, etc. Then I started cramping near the end of the third month. Tests were done and it showed the baby stopped developing at eight weeks. No heartbeat. Nothing. I was devastated. I actually prayed I would die during the D and C. I hoped I would have an allergic reaction and die right there on the operating table. I thought it would be easier for my family to lose me that way. I felt like my body had betrayed me in the worst possible way. I hated it and I couldn't stand the depression that set in. This was one of the few times I cried, especially when I woke up after the procedure and saw I'd survived. I continued to pray for death for a few months after it. I knew I couldn't hurt my family by commiting suicide, nor could I talk to them about my feelings, so I begged God to make my heart stop, make my car run off the road and hit a tree, anything to stop the pain I felt. I then begged my husband for a divorce. I didn't want to be around anyone. I didn't want comfort, couldn't stand for anyone to touch me or hug me. I hated our home and the memories it now held for me. I wanted to simply disappear and feel nothing. I didn't want to talk to anyone, respond to what was going on around me, pretend that life was still going on. It was the darkest time in my life. I've written about the one night I broke down the hardest with my husband in a Thomas Hunt fic which was almost cathartic. Everything he and my OC say is the conversation my husband and I had that long and painful night. It still hurts after all these years later, though nowhere near that it once did, and every May I can't help but think I should be celebrating my first child's birthday.

15. That above fact shouldn't be one to end on, so let's end with something funny. With my oldest son, I had an ultrasound to find out if he was a boy or girl on April 1st. Our technician was known to joke around, so I was highly doubtful I was having a boy. I was convinced she was pulling an April Fool's prank on me 🤣 Until he popped out and the proof was in front of me, I thought he might end up really being a girl so I made sure to have a gender neutral outfit packed just in case it really was a joke 😂

#asks answered #three facts about me #or fifteen LOL

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