#but that's literally TRAUMA like is anyone gonna wake the fuck up to that????

[unhinged-nymph]

.

#i don't know what I'm supposed to do about being too self-aware for therapy #like im sorry that i can't convince myself into a level of delusion in order to function in this society #cuz that's basically what CBT is #just talking yourself into certain mindsets until they stick #but like #i can't get past the fact that that is literally self-inflicted brain trauma? #like ok the output might be positive #aka being able to do the dishes without having a panic attack #but i cannot get to that point because im aware that im just attempting to trick myself into a state of delusion #i know it works for so many people #but i cannot just convince myself that i'm mentally healthy #i do not get dopamine or seratonin from completing tasks or taking care of myself like “normal” brains do #and forcing myself to reframe my thought process isn't going to change that #I can only distract myself so much ya know? #i'm just frustrated that the answer to my brain being the way it is is to just force it to be a different way #but that's literally TRAUMA like is anyone gonna wake the fuck up to that???? #did you know that our brains are almost exactly the same brains as the early homosapiens??? aka literal cavemen? #I'm working with A CAVEMAN brain that just wants to do specific little tasks and be creative #and also fulfill a specific role in a community #now in this current society we have to fulfill ALLLL the roles #the cleaning the cooking the planning the scheduling etc etc etc #i simply do not have the brain for all of that #plus im TIRED #because i have adhd and probably have autism so im using every last drop of my energy to just survive #so I don't have energy for all the “extra” stuff #which unfortunately for me includes things like laundry and vacuuming and hobbies and seeing friends and being active and touching grass #and this expensive ass therapist is just going to try to convince me that i in fact *do* have the energy and i just need to feel my feeling #and stop telling myself i cant #im not telling myself anything #like does *anyone* fucking get it???

[pianocat939]

hearing you out on the yan pavitr

YES PLEASE- ok I'm gonna start out this new thing where I separate things for romantic + platonic so people can scroll to different sections. (I'm such a good business person- /j)

I will copy and paste some of the headcanons because they apply both ways. So don't bother reading both unless if you want to because for the most part they're the same (with some light editing)

Tw: hardly any tbh-, delusional softie, uh- and breaking in

Yandere Pavitr Prabhakar

Type: Delusional + Clingy (This is really fucking obv ngl)

Romantic

Listen- He literally gives off so much delusional that I can't even tell you why he's delusional because it's literally written all over him omg. Now, the thing he is delusional about is you love him back. It's not in a malicious way; he genuinely thinks you love him.

He's not in any sort of way problematic or concerning with his actions/intentions. He'll be all caring and constantly giving you support. He's the type of guy who wakes up at five in the morning to go buy you a bouquet of flowers to greet you with when you get up.

If you try to push him away or express that you don't love him he just believes you're a troubled person and need more support in your life. Which means more affection from him. He is your therapist. He will be whether you like it or not because he is a softie and will continue to be a softie.

The only time I can see him getting the slightest bit aggressive is if he gets jealous. I'm not entirely sure yet because we haven't seen too much of any trauma or negative backstory to him (Uncle Ben's death canon event doesn't fucking count). I think he's about a medium level when it comes to how easily he gets jealous. Even then I don't think he would outwardly hurt anyone unless they've overstepped a boundary of his. He'll give them a slight threat or tie them up in webs for a while.

Now if anyone hurts you? Bro is going crazy- he will do everything to make the person surrender or maybe even die (if they've caused him enough anger) He'll worry so much if you get hurt. I wouldn't say he would overreact, but he definitely worries.

He is physically affectionate 100%. He will sneak in your window at night for snuggles. Imagine yourself standing at your window one night, knowing he'll come. He arrives and is about to slip inside when you frown and tell him no. He is going to give you the most heartbreaking face known to mankind.

He WILL call you embarrassing/cringe affectionate names. You can't convince me he doesn't.

"Jasmine flower! Look at the stuffie I got you!" *proceeds to hold up giant elephant stuffie*

Platonic

He literally gives off so much delusional that I can't even tell you why he's delusional because it's literally written all over him omg. Now, the thing he is delusional about is he thinks you wanna be friends with him. It's not in a malicious way; he genuinely thinks you guys are besties and constantly hang out. (tbh I feel anyone would be friends with him???)

He's not in any sort of way problematic or concerning with his actions/intentions. He'll be all caring and constantly giving you support. He's the type of guy who wakes up at five in the morning to go buy you your favourite drink or line up for a limited edition product.

If you try to push him away or express that you don't wanna be friends with him, he just believes you're a troubled person and need more support in your life. Which means more affection and suggesting hangouts or giving gifts from him. He is your therapist. He will be whether you like it or not, because he is a softie and will continue to be a softie.

The only time I can see him getting the slightest bit aggressive is if he gets jealous. I'm not entirely sure yet because we haven't seen too much of any trauma or negative backstory to him (Uncle Ben's death canon event doesn't fucking count). I think he's about a medium level when it comes to how easily he gets jealous. Even then I don't think he would outwardly hurt anyone unless they've overstepped a boundary of his. He'll give them a slight threat or tie them up in webs for a while.

Now if anyone hurts you? Bro is going crazy- he will do everything to make the person surrender or maybe even die (if they've caused him enough anger) He'll worry so much if you get hurt. I wouldn't say he would overreact, but he definitely worries.

He is a clinger 100%. He will sneak in your window at night for a hug and to talk about random things (he giggles a lot). Imagine yourself standing at your window one night, knowing he'll come. He arrives and is about to slip inside when you frown and tell him no. He is going to give you the most heartbreaking face known to mankind.

He WILL call you embarrassing/cringe affectionate names. You can't convince me he doesn't. Like Pookie Bear or just cringe names to call your best friend platonically cuz it's funny.

"My rat! Look! I have- WEBS!" *proceeds to shoot webs like it's a discovery even though he's known for six months*

——————————————————

That's all I got for now-

I still don't like Gwen.

- Celina

#yandere #yandere x reader #yandere spiderman #yandere spiderverse #spiderman x reader #spiderverse x reader #pavitr prabhakar #pavitr prabhakar x reader #yandere pavitr

[tciddaemina]

What is the weirdest, feralest headcanon you've had about a character?

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. fuck okay this takes some thinking. weird and feral, weird and feral, hmmm.

okay, i think i have one. i'm gonna preface this by saying that svsss is a story that brings out the weird in me - the characters are all so messed up and dysfunction and weird about each other and the world is so intense and strange that its very tasty to play with. like, both the characters, plot, and setting are all so chewy and crunchy, you can just sink you're teeth right in.

bc like okay (bingqiu and monsterfucking cw here, for anyone who would prefer to keep scrolling) Shen Qingqiu and Luo Binghe are so utterly weird and fucked up about each other. Like, full on dysfunctionally obsessed in a way that would be like horror story levels if they were with anyone but each other (yes, even Shen Qingqiu - he is literally so obsessed with PIDW and Luo Binghe that he dies mad over it, and then spends his entire new life orbiting Luo Binghe like a planet around a sun, knowing absolutely every detail of his would-be life and who he is and what his deepest inner thoughts and traumas are - like, unreliable narrator or not, Shen Qingqiu is every bit as messed up and intense about Luo Binghe as Luo Binghe is about him).

and that's something that's very fun to play with. like, their relationship is intense, codependent, obsessive, and like, a hundred other things that irl would be a red flag, but its fiction. i know some people don't like writing or reading about unhealthy relationships or stuff that in an irl situation would be concerning, but like tbh the fact that they're so messed up and intense is half the reason they're so fun to write for. (obligatory fiction =/= reality).

anyway so, yeah they have a messed up very obsessive relationship and one of the things that's sort of fun to play with is how far they'd go for each other. like, how far their affection stretches, and how that would influence their reactions to situations. and you know me, i'm a good fan of some of that eldritch and monster content.

bc right like, these two are utterly fixated on each other. just, utterly gone. and so yeah, headcanon, i feel like both of these guys wouldn't blink an eye at even the most weird, off the page monster-fucking you have ever seen, if the person was the other one.

okay so right - on Shen Qingqiu's side we already have some pretty eldritch stuff to work with. like he's literally a bodysnatcher who took over someone else who would have/did die, and assumed his identity and pretty much got away with it. and you can spin that up into something even more fun. like maybe Luo Binghe, being half demon and with heavenly demon blood, has a bit of idk, extrasensory perception or something like that. so he wakes up one morning in the woodshed to this immense feeling of just DREAD hanging over the mountain, which no one else seems to be feeling or reacting to. and it only gets worse when he's summoned to see his master, to the point where approaching the bamboo house is literally making him break out in a cold terrified sweat. and when he see's Shen Qingqiu he just freezes, because looming above his master's body is an immense faceless shadowy figure with a dozen arms, whose body is sewn through with bleeding golden thread, which runs down to his master's body, stitching the two together. and then the plot continues like normal, and this new not-Shen Jiu gives him the medicine, and Luo Binghe gets used to the feeling of immense eldritch dread and the plot plays out like normal with Luo Binghe still being like 😍😍😍 and still absolutely being dtf this terrifying towering shadow bleeding figure.

and its so tasty! because you can flip it around as well. Luo Binghe would 1000% willingly and enthusiastically monsterfuck for Shen Qingqiu, but Shen Qingqiu would also do the same for him (albeit with a bit more crisis about it, but only so far as him "not being gay" is the problem. the fact that Luo Binghe is a monster barely registers).

and so like - alright, another situation. Say Luo Binghe's demon heritage is a bit more intense than just 'gets a demon forehead mark and some demonic energy' and that when he gets hucked into the endless abyss and is forced to survive its brutal conditions, his human form can't tolerate it and the rest of his inheritance comes through. and you could play with a few things here - maybe something dragon-like (not in a, ooh this a sexy dragon person kind of way, but like, Luo Binghe is literally a dragon kind of way, scarred and fire-breath and dark edgy scales and all), or something a bit more demonic and eerie. but like, whatever you go with, the end result is that Luo Binghe is distinctly non-humanoid and deeply scary-looking. and so when Luo Binghe does claw his way out of the abyss, Shen Qingqiu is *shocked pikachu face* about it, because this didn't happen in the original. and idk, maybe Luo Binghe goes through a whole thing of visiting Shen Qingqiu in his dreams, and being very circumspect, and never actually turns up in person in front of him, bc Luo Binghe is deeply insecure and is certain Shen Qingqiu will be revolted or terrified and reject him as a monster (after all, he threw him into the abyss when he looked human, what would he do seeing Luo Binghe like this?). eventually it comes out and Shen Qingqiu ends up face to face with him, and Luo Binghe's trying to cringe and shy away and throw himself on his sword or whatever, and Shen Qingqiu is just like shut up! monster or not you're still my student! and anyway, Luo Binghe ends up staying with Shen Qingqiu again or something, and they do a dumb thing where they're basically speed running a long term relationship without realising (well, Luo Binghe realises, and he's tormented about it, bc on the one hand he wants all the affection he can get from Shen Qingqiu, on the other hand he's got paralyzing guilt about the fact he's sort of taking advantage) and it culminates in Shen Qingqiu finally cottoning on and having a panic about it (about the gay bit, more than the monster bit) before sorting it out and 100% being down to bang Luo Binghe anyway, despite him not being remotely human looking. And Luo Binghe is just dying, because like, you know a person really loves you when they love you even when you're a terrifying non-human monster, and Shen Qingqiu is discovering all sorts of things about himself, namely how little he bats an eye at the thought of doing some truly obscene monsterfucker shit - because it's Binghe, so of course its hot (nevermind that Shen Qingqiu is a bit too into monsters away, so is sort of also getting a kick out of it just for the chance to study monster!Binghe so up close)

And anyway this is how you get me idly considering story ideas like 'hey what if Shen Qingqiu and Luo Binghe got dropped messily into a scifi setting and Shen Qingqiu glitched on the way because of system and so ends up in a terrifying carnivorous!super-dangerous!mantis-monster-person!body, still dressed in his robes, while Binghe is still basically just a normal person who looks the same, and they get gently arrested by the galactic police who are like "holy shit what the fuck is this walking person-eater doing in the port, it's about to be a bloodbath" whereas Binghe, beside him is just like "don't you dare be mean to my husband, shizun is very gentle!" and anyway Shen Qingqiu diffuses things enough for them to get escorted to a fancy suite (jail cell) while things get looked into, and the poor people surveilling them have to watch in rapt horror/awe as Binghe goes about seducing Shen Qingqiu, who is sure Luo Binghe must be revolted by his terrifying new form, while Luo Binghe proves that absolutely isn't the case. Shizun is shizun no matter his body, and Luo Binghe loves every version of him, and is absolutely so so keen to get it on and explore this new body'

and so that's how i get to there, and then i have to think about the fact that the premise is so absolutely wild and out of the left field that i would have no idea how to justifying coming up with it or wanting to write it. so yeah, wild and feral headcanon - Luo Binghe and Shen Qingqiu are absolutely monsterfuckers, but only ever for each other

#ask #te talks #monster fucker #svsss #bingqiu #shen qingqiu #luo binghe #my writing

[badass-queer-couples-battle]

Gay wrongs tournament, round 1 of the losers bracket

Propaganda:

For Kid and Killer:

there’s some somewhat recent anime episodes where there’s a lot of “I would do anything for you” “I would put my life on the line for you” and it’s just. There’s no way they’re not dating. Also they’re big scary pirates that pillage and fuck stuff up and we love that for them

They have been together committing crimes and killing people ever since childhood and they’re not about to stop any time soon

They are badass pirates who both have a huge bounty on their head. Killer's epithet is 'Massacre Soldier/Murder Mashine' (depending on the translation), so he probably got quite some blood on his hands. Kid is his captain, and has a reputation of not caring about civilian casualties and destroying more than necessary to defeat his opponent. Also, the whole crew crusified some other crew. But besides being murderous, these two care so fucking much about each other! They've been friends (lovers?) since childhood and would literally do anything for each other, including dying. Kid will destroy anyone who laughs at his partner (how he canonically calls Killer), lets himself be recaptured just after he escaped prison to save his partner, and Killer eats a faulty SMILE fruit that stops him from portraying any other emotion than laughing, makes him unable to swim, and doesn't gain him any powers, just to get a CHANCE to save his captain. When Kid saw him laugh while he obviously didn't want to, it broke his heart in many pieces (and ours with it). It's true love, your honor. True, murderous love.

For Wylan van Eck and Jesper Fahey:

Jesper is a sharpshooter that never misses a hit, Wylan is a demolitions expert, once Wylan sang a national anthem to save Jesper from some guards

So Jesper is a high profile member of this gang called the Dregs, he’s their sharpshooter. He also has a serious gambling problem and actually enjoys his job because it gives him the same adrenaline high. Wylan is brought in on this big impossible heist, officially as the demolitions expert, but really because he’s actually the runaway son of the man who is meant to pay them and so he’s insurance that they get their money. They are both incredibly talented at destruction, undermining governments and killing several people. At one point they end up with a tank. At another Wylan makes a chemical concoction that gives off the appearance of plague scars in a city with serious plague related trauma, setting off all the alarms and sending the whole place into utter anarchy. Jesper shoots a man around a corner. Also this quote exists. Jesper:‘I'm not big on killing unconscious men." Wylan:"We could wake them up." This is even funnier when you consider that Wylan is a skinny freckled ginger who’s basically a glorified chemist and possesses no social skills. I love him so much.

That quote from the book where Jesper was like "I'm not gonna kill unconscious people" about a bunch of knocked out enemies and Wylan was like "Well can't we wake them up then?"

#losers bracket round 1 #one piece #six of crows #grishaverse #shadow and bone #eustass kid #wylan van eck #jesper fahey #one piece killer

[aloneinthehellfire]

Chapter Nine: An Alliance Or A Mistake?

Gates Of Hell Masterlist

Word Count: 3227

Warnings: swearing, fluff, a little bit of angst, trauma- these kids have literally been through it all

[A/N: I really can't lie to you, I'm scared this one is just plain boring. We see a lot more of steve x reader progression but my current writing is literally scrambled all over the place so I'm just gonna post this one so I can make the next one perfect x]

An Alliance Or A Mistake?

Sleep didn’t grace your presence like it had before.

The rest of the night, you had stared into an empty space on the roof of Steve Harrington’s car, replaying that horror over and over again.

Except the longer you sat there with your insomnia among the soft snores, the further your mind ran to every single little terrifying moment you had experienced over the past two days. You had cheated death more times than anyone would believe. You just hoped that your luck wouldn’t run out.

And then there was Robin, your recurring nightmare, the pieces slowly falling into place. You were too afraid to fall asleep again, to unveil another blurry image in your subconscious. Maybe it was stress, causing you to relive the same dream over and over, a side effect of the dangerous world falling apart around you.

Light shone in your eyes through the very small tear in the tent’s fabric and you almost sigh in relief. Morning, finally.

You look to Robin, her head lolling against the back seat, hair swept across her face. You could try to wake her up but, as you’ve learnt many times before, a nuclear bomb could set off and she would merely groan and roll over. She’s only awake when she wants to be.

Steve was surprisingly a quiet sleeper. You had assumed the boy would be snoring to the extent of you debating suffocation. Even with his steady breathing, a soft frown etched a line between his eyebrows. Maybe he had nightmares, too.

Your legs had started to ache a while ago with the position you were in, unable to stretch without kicking Robin in the face. So, you bite your lip and slowly turn in your seat, careful not to make too much noise. You desperately needed to stand up.

Clicking open the door, the frame slowly pushes against the fabric and you crouch down, practically crawling out of the car, and duck under the tent until the light finally shines onto your face, making you squint against the morning sun.

It was peaceful before you remembered you were stood in the middle of the apocalypse. Your eyes darted among the trees surrounding the road, an uneasy flush coating your body. You hadn’t forgotten to grab the shotgun before you left the car. It was an instinct now, as necessary as food and water. At least one of you can be on look-out now that the car would be easy to spot from the brightened sky.

After taking a moment to stretch your legs, you head to the front of the car and carefully perch yourself on the bonnet, shotgun resting in your hands.

A few breaths went by before another problem arose. The side of your head was throbbing and, as you reach to brush against it, you realised it was still healing from your encounter with the shapeshifter at the school.

“Why me?” You whisper into the breeze, squeezing your eyes shut.

Let it be known that April of ‘85 was the worst month of your life…

Except the tragedy was that it really wasn’t the worst month of your life. The surface wounds could never compare to the ones that had torn you apart from the inside, the feelings you lock away in guilt and despair.

But fucking hell, was it a close second.

Steve’s eyes flew open before the demodog could make a fatal impact, jolting himself awake. He hadn’t had that nightmare in a while.

Rubbing his eyes, he takes note of where he is, a sudden jolt of realisation that he wasn’t in his bed. Nor was he surrounded by those ugly walls he never wanted in the first place. That’s what happens when your mother decides that a ‘new and hip’ designer was exactly who you wanted designing the bedrooms. She all but tore down the walls of her own bedroom when she saw the design.

Sighing, Steve catches Robin’s hair-covered face in the mirror, almost snorting at the sight of her mouth hanging open, clearly knocked out cold. He turns his head to look at you, blinking in the dim light. Unless you had turned into a car seat, you weren’t there.

A pang of panic hits his chest as he straightens in his seat. She’s probably outside, he tells himself. His hand is already on the handle before he controls himself, grabbing the backpack on the seat beside him.

As he gently pops open the door, he ducks down to slip underneath the tarp and immediately blinks against the burning sun. He really should have prepared himself for that.

He does a quick sweep of the treeline before finding a figure perched on the front of his car, a strange feeling in his stomach when his eyes focused on you. He was probably hungry.

“You’re up early.”

You whip your head around to see Steve stood beside the car, yawning as he ran a hand through his hair. The sun did wonders for him, casting a glow on his skin, unnatural to how any teen should look this early into the morning. You despised that.

When you didn’t respond, Steve walks over and rests against the space beside you, unzipping his backpack and pulling out a small box. You glance over, but you don’t comment. You didn’t seem like you had the energy to fight him on it; you looked tired.

“Here.” He hands you a cloth and a bottle.

Propping the shotgun against the car, you tentatively take it from his hands and fold the cloth, placing it atop the bottle and tipping it in a swift motion.

You try to clean the wound yourself, but you weren’t entirely sure where you should be pressing the cloth. Was it in your hairline? Higher? Lower?

Steve could sense your hesitancy and takes the damp cloth from your hand. You look shocked at his help but nod regardless, turning your head. He delicately traces his fingers along the side of your head, locating the source and biting his inner cheek. It wasn’t a horrible wound at all, barely needed stitches. But you had lost a lot of blood. And he knew concussions from experience. Two in two days was going to leave a lasting mark.

He presses the cloth against your hairline and you hiss, but you don’t move. Like you were used to it.

“Sorry.” He mutters, gently wiping away the stained blood that surrounded it.

You let out a breath and when he looks to your face, he sees your eyes are closed. Not squeezed shut, just… peaceful. Calm. Unusual.

“Are you okay?” Steve asks and you almost let out a laugh, nodding slowly.

“I’m… splendid.” You reply with a smile and he can’t resist the chuckle, removing the cloth and setting it beside you. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out some medical tape. It wasn’t much, but it should help.

As he presses the tape down, you sigh. “How about you? You okay?”

He lets out a breathy laugh and gently pinches your skin, securing it together with the strips of tape and testing to see if it holds. “Does that even matter? You’ve obviously been through the worst of it.”

“I don’t know.” You shrug as he checks his handiwork. “I thought we had a deal. You know? ‘Question for a question’?”

Steve pulls away and smiles inquisitively, shaking his head. “You remember that?”

“I may have hit my head, but my memory isn’t that bad.” You say, patting the side of your head to get used to the feeling of it. “Plus, you wouldn’t shut up about it, so… Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” He nods, resting back against the car and looking out at the road ahead. “Yeah, I’m good.”

A silence fell and you bite your bottom lip, a soft frown knitting your brows. There were so many things bothering you, so many unanswered questions, terrifying notions, that you couldn’t even pick just one. Did you even want to admit them to Steve? He wasn’t so terrible after all, and he seemed to care if you lived or not. Maybe… maybe you could trust him.

But that box inside of you was sealed tight.

“What happened?” You suddenly ask, looking to him. He blinks in surprise. “With you? The shapeshifter?”

“Oh.” Steve sounds, tightening his lips. “I, uh… I took care of it.”

“Took care of it?” You raise a brow and he shrugs it off.

“Yeah, I just…” He mimics a gun like it was as simple as making toast, pretending like it didn’t make his stomach churn at the thought of the shapeshifter.

“Hm.” You lean back, tilting your head. “How’d you know it wasn’t me?”

“Um…” He frowns, shaking his head. “Something to do with the hands. They were really creepy.”

“Oh.” You nod, looking somewhat disappointed by his answer. Steve didn’t lie. It wasn’t the whole truth either.

The moment of eye contact felt different this time also, that glint of fire you usually held now diminished. Maybe you were just recovering from what you had seen. But that didn’t make Steve any less hesitant about your story.

But he couldn’t relive that fear again, especially since his last memory of that thing was staring at an unsettling portrait of you, a begging tear in the eye of the girl he shot in the chest.

Even just looking into your eyes now, he knew it was you. And he wasn’t ready to admit how he knew that.

“What, uh… what happened to you?” Steve offers and you sigh, fiddling with the sleeves of the hoodie wrapped around your wrists.

“I was an idiot.” You admit with a sad laugh, shaking your head. “I thought… god, it was so stupid- I thought I heard my dad.”

“Hopper?” Steve frowns and you look up at him.

“I don’t even know what came over me.” You bite your lip, brows furrowing, “I knew it wasn’t him but I- I couldn’t for the life of me stop what I was doing. He told me to drop the shotgun, so I did. And then before I had any time to realise what was happening, it… it grabbed me.”

“It?”

“The shapeshifter.” You whisper and Steve feels a rush of ice down his spine. “Its voice… I think I’ve heard it before. I think… I think it’s been following us this entire time. Waiting for the right moment.”

“Fuck.” Steve breathes and you nod.

“It knocked me out and got into your car. It studied me, I think. Then it became me and… it was so…”

“Unsettling?”

“Terrifying.” You lower your head before clearing your throat. “Um, then I ended up at the arcade.”

Steve frowns. “How did you-”

“I don’t know.” You sigh, “Really, I don’t want to know. There was another one of those people zombie monster things. And…”

It was one of those things. The person turned monster. This time it was a woman, tearing apart the body of someone you didn’t want to observe too much to know. And she was covered in blackened red, darkening her clothes and matting her hair.

All of these bodies after just a day…

“I escaped.” You finish, deciding against that image of those bodies scattered around your brain like some morbid canvas. “I saw… I saw something in the sky. But I- I don’t know if it was real.”

“What did you see?” Steve prompts and when you look up at him, he had his head tilted with curiosity, looking at you like you were the only person he wanted to hear from.

Ignoring the strange rush of feeling in your chest, you clear your throat. “Like a… like a giant kind of spider? It was black and looked a little bit like-”

“Dust.” Steve breathes and your eyes widen, nodding.

“I’m guessing that means I wasn’t hallucinating?”

“No.” Steve runs his hands down his face, “No, last year, it was there. I think. I didn’t see it, to be honest. But Byers was talking about his brother and how it had-”

When he suddenly stops talking, you frown, searching his face that paled with each second.

“It had what?” You ask and Steve’s stomach churns.

Steve wasn’t sure if he was hearing it right, but considering all he had been through, it shouldn’t be a surprise. They were chatting about some kind of ‘Mind Flayer’? Which, as it turns out, isn’t just some character from the kids’ nerd game but a real life monster that they had to battle. And on top of that, Will was possessed and likely helping it kill the rest of them soon. Sometimes Steve wishes he had never gone looking for Nancy.

“Nothing.” Steve gulps, looking into your eyes as the venom of a lie burns his tongue. “Nothing, Hopper sorted it out in the end.”

“But-”

“He knows more about it than I do.” He says quickly, flashing a smile. “You should ask him about it when we find them.”

“Yeah.” You nod, taking a breath.

And then the conversation fades into silence, leaving only the sound of your soft breaths echoing into the breeze. It wasn’t awkward, or uncomfortable. In fact, if you weren’t so delirious from recent events, you’d even say you maybe possibly could be… enjoying Steve’s company.

“Should we, uh…” Steve glances back at the car with a raised brow, his voice cutting into the air. “Should we wake her?”

You let out a breathy laugh. “Only if you want your arm bitten off.”

“I know you’re joking, but I can see it.” Steve widens his eyes mockingly and you laugh, shaking your head. “How long have you guys been friends?”

“Oh god.” You furrow your brows, biting your lip. “A while now. I met her around the time Hopper decided to move our trailer into the middle of nowhere. We… uh, we bonded over some stuff. I literally can’t even imagine my life without her now.”

Steve nods and you contemplate your next choice of words. Maybe it was time to take that risk.

“Plus, she’s like the only friend I have.” You add, glancing over at him as he frowns with curiosity.

“That can’t be true.” He dismisses, but your face didn’t change and he adjusts his stance to face you properly. “No, I’ve seen you around school with other people. I think. Right?”

“I’m the chief’s daughter.” You say a little sadly. “No one wants to talk to the girl with a dad in charge of a police force. Most of the time people only talk to me because they’re hoping I can get them out of a parking ticket or something dumb like that. I haven’t even had any real friends since freshman year started.”

Steve shakes his head. “Why? What happened in freshman year?”

He watches your face drop, the way your eyes flicker to his before looking back out into the trees beside the road, lips thin. Steve wasn’t always the best at reading people, but it felt like he had said something wrong, like he should have known. But he truly couldn’t remember.

“Surprised you don’t know.” You finally speak, shaking away that emotionless voice. “It was all the rage in the gossip train when we started high school.”

“I don’t remember that time.” He admits and your eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “Like I said, concussions aren’t something to kid about.”

“Oh.” You sound, and Steve watches as you pull that familiar face again; one twisted with disappointment. “Well, it… it was bad. Nobody really stuck around after that. Except for Robin.”

“For what it’s worth…” Steve starts, a hint of a smile playing on his pink lips. “They were missing out.”

You look to him in surprise, the corners of your mouth lifting. You couldn’t explain it, but maybe you had been wrong about Steve Harrington. Maybe there was much more to him than you ever cared to admit.

Steve couldn’t help the flicker of his eyes then. Your smile… there was something so magical about the way he was the one to bring that light to your face. You were meant to hate eachother, tease until one of you eventually snapped and walked away. But that strange whirl in his stomach was back to haunt him. And he loved it.

He inches closer, expecting you to move away, laugh at him for even suggesting something could ever happen. You didn’t move.

And as the silence finally took hold of his anxiety… he turns away.

“We should probably head off soon.” Steve pushes away from the car and takes a few steps, looking out into the road. “It looks pretty quiet and the sooner we’re out of the open, the better.”

“Right.” You say quietly, and he hears you stand up, clearing your throat. “I’ll see if Robin’s awake.”

His eyes squeeze shut as you walk back to the car, gently tugging down the tarp that covered it still. That was a close one. But did he dodge a bullet? Or was he the one shooting the gun?

Robin groans awake as soon as the light hits her, covering her eyes with her arm and grumbling. “What gives?”

“We gotta go.” You say and she groans again, sitting up. Her hair was messy, odd parts sticking out. She had it cut recently to just above her shoulders, a phone call that ended in her regretting everything and swearing to you that she would grow it out.

“Why-” Robin blinks, suddenly taking in her surrounding and focusing on you. “Oh. Right. The apocalypse.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t just a nightmare.” You try to joke, but she immediately sensed the tone in your voice.

“You okay?”

You glance over at the boy still stood with his back turned away from you, shaking your mind free of those thoughts. What were you even thinking? That he was going to kiss you? No. Not the Steve Harrington you knew.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You dismiss, reaching over and trying to smooth down some of her hair.

“Uh-huh.” Robin squints, leaning forward. “That was less believable than that UFO sighting my mom swore happened when she was shooting tequila. What’s up?”

“Nothing.” You frown, batting her hand away when she prods your side. “Hey. Nothing.”

“I’ll get the truth out of you somehow.” She declares, scooting around in the seat and facing forward.

“You gonna torture the information out of me?” You chuckle, Steve’s approaching form catching your attention. It was only for a second, your mask dropping before slipping back on and looking back to your friend.

“No need.” She smirks. And with that, she settles back in the seat as Steve joins you. “Onward, Jeeves.”

Steve shoots her a confused look as you turn around, side-stepping away from him.

“Sorry.” You mutter, walking to the passenger side and slipping in.

Your eyes were glued to the road as he settled in, noticing how you were physically incapable of being further away from him. You didn’t care if he noticed. You just needed to pretend everything was normal. You hated him. You hated him. And you wouldn’t ever kiss- Ugh, you couldn’t believe you had even let the thought cross your mind.

Especially when he has no idea what he did to you.

Chapter Ten: Part One: The Lab ->

taglist: @manyfandomsfanvergent . @sheisjoeschateau . @kthomps914 . @curled-hair-red-lips. @nix-rose . @palmtreesx3 . @kryztalglear. @sattlersquarry . @hey-barnes-stole-a-jeep . @sadslasher13 . @80saestheticismyfav

#stranger things x reader #stranger things #fanfic #steve harrington #stranger things reader insert #steve x reader #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington x you #steve harrington x y/n #steve harrington imagine #steve harrington series #apocalypse au #st2 #stranger things au #steve harrington fic #steve harrington fanfiction #robin buckley

[beetlebug-bii]

Lucifer’s Nightmares

Content Warnings: swearing, main game spoilers, crackhead writing because I am still in a silly goofy mood

Requests Open!

TLDR: Lucifer has emotions and also has 0 coping skills, but that’s okay because he got those sweet sweet musical jams...oh and like a partner too or something

Lucifer would rather die than admit he has nightmares practically every night

Like fuck dude

He has that deep rooted guilt based trauma.

Nightmares about bad things happening to you, happening to his brothers, nightmares about Lilith, the war, Michael...father...all of these things mixed together and happening in one tornado of horrible events...

Not only that but his dreams are just so

Vivid

Every time he closes his eyes it all just feels

Real

No one would ever guess that sometimes even the calm and prideful Lucifer wakes up gasping for air, tears in the corners of his eyes

So how does he cope?

Well

He came up with the best solution ever

NEVER SLEEP AGAIN!!!! :D

and then you came

and at first you like had your own room

and didnt live in his room

because you know

you had one

BUT THEN FOR SOME REASON YOU WENT NAHHHH

Your room? Yeah thats mine now

and like what was he gonna say??

No??

He would never say that shit

Especially when you are paying rent in kisses

so like you kind of moved in

But like only kind of because you still wanted your room too and like didnt want anyone else to have it

So you actually have like 13 rooms now

thats beside the point you house thief 

(breaking and entering to the next level, you could probably evict the brothers and win smh)

So you started sleeping in his room

and you noticed he MAYBE just didnt sleep like

Ever

so you went oh yeah i can fix this

and started DRAGGING HIM LIKE A FUCKING RODENT

ALL THE WAY TO HIS BED

YOU TUCKED HIM IN LIKE HE WAS BEING RESTRAINED WITH A STRAIGHTJACKET 

which on an unrelated note would honestly probably do that poor man some good, he needs a vacation to grippyville, they all do

I digress

after centuries of having quite possibly the worst sleep schedule known to man, both to avoid having nightmares and to get his piles of work done

Having to actually just

Lay there

at like

11pm

Was merely just so flabbergasting that he spent like two weeks STILL NOT SLEEPING just to comprehend that he was SUPPOSED to be sleeping

You were bashing your head against the wall

Crying, sobbing, throwing up

take that as seriously as you want

regardless after a while he finally started falling asleep with you!

Why? well he loves you

unfortunately for him

(also you may or may not have been on top of him because he lays there like a fucking ROCK)

He loves you so much that he made a whole sleep schedule and went 

“yeah I can deal with this”

Spoiler alert he couldn’t

But it took about a week of sleeping properly to break him.

and you

because you were thrown

ONLY VAGUELY I SWEAR

HE JUST HAPPENED TO SHOOT UP AND YOU WERE ON TOP OF HIM SO YOU WERE KINDA JUST LAUNCHED ONTO THE FLOOR

Were you a bit frazzled

Maybe

Were you about three seconds from crying, throwing up out of spite, and yelling?

...maybe

But that quickly faded 

The demon before you sat with heavy, staggered breaths, his eyes wide and full of tears

part of you was like haha who is this man

but the other part was like oh shit what happened

Because like

YOU HAVE LITERALLY DIED AND THAT MAN HASNT SHED A

S I N G L E 

TEAR

so sitting there on the floor watching him try and regain what little composure he had left was a bit startling to say the least

So being the lovely not feral partner you are (for now), you sat next to him on the bed

You rubbed his back and whispered gently into his ear while leaning on his chest

Lucifer was also a bit flabbergasted 

Like

Lmao stupid human-

Insert internal sobbing here

Its fine

He held you and pretended nothing happened

Though he knew he definitely wouldn’t be falling asleep again any time soon

Of course you couldn’t just let this slide

You knew Lucifer better than you knew yourself

So

You did the only thing you could think of

You released yourself from his arms, and went to turn on one of his cursed records

“dance with me Luci?” 

You whispered

On a normal day he would’ve rolled his eyes at the girlish nickname

But maybe just for today he would let it slide...

and maybe tomorrow too

and maybe the next da-

So he took your hand and twirled you gently

The two of you slowly swaying to the music in the darkness of his room

The twinkling of fireflies outside the window

You couldn’t take away his fears or his worries or the guilt he carried

But you could stand there with him, gently holding his hand and swaying alongside him

A reminder that maybe

Things were beginning to work out

Because if he was there with you

In this moment with you in his arms

In this universe where you loved him and he loved you

A world where you have overcome all odds

Maybe all the heartache was worth it

Maybe every horrible moment and every heart wrenching sadness lead him here

Maybe that was okay...

Because at the end of it all

Was the single greatest happiness in his life

You

And as long as you were beside him

He could handle a few nightmares

“I love you” he whispers in your ear as he spins and twirls you, the moonlight illuminating your face

And for a moment the nightmares were forgotten

Replaced by him imagining a perfect forever alongside his human

#obey me #obey me headcanons #obey me imagines #obey me scenarios #obey me lucifer #obey me luci #obey me luci x reader #obey me mc #obey me nightbringer

[beelsbignaturals]

🐄 DEMON FORMS: BELPHEGOR 💤

AN: thanks void for helping w the tags ♡♡♡ also jsyk my requests are open and I am gonna be working on them slowly but surely. I have a con in like... a little over a week? So I'm a lil busy rn but thank u for the love on my creepy demon posts. As always you can check the obey me world building tag on my blog to see the other parts of this series :3

inspiration for this part: honestly, nothing specific unless you count like,,, The Hat Man

TWs: body horror, possession, sleep paralysis, mentions of insanity, mentions of psychosis, lesson 16 mention, demons being demons

● Okay, Level 1.5 belphie is more common than a regular human looking belphie because he can't be bothered most of the time. Also, he doesn't like humans that aren't you, so why would he want to be palatable for them? He has permanent eyebags. He goes back and forth between blinking way too fast or not at all. Which …Is unsettling. He can stare for hours and fall asleep like that. He has cow ears, and his tail is out because he plays with the fluffy part as a stress response. It makes him feel safe (probably bc beel will brush his tail for him when it gets all tangled, and he secretly LOVES it. Puts him to sleep in seconds.) Speaking of sleep, if you look directly at Belphie, he is very…. Fuzzy looking. Like you just woke up and everything's blurry, but it's only him that looks like this. 

Today is the day you learn demons can purr. You knock on the door of the twins' room, entering when you hear a quiet "come in." Perhaps you expected to see Belphie napping on Beel's back while the larger twin does push-ups. You certainly didn't think you'd see the pair sitting on the floor, Belphegor's tail being meticulously detangled by his brother. Belphie looks a bit like a house cat, curled up on the floor, eyes closed and purring as his tail occasionally swishes about. You silently take a video and leave before Belphie wakes up and forces you to delete it.

● Level 2. His tail grows large thorns, perfect for thwacking anyone who annoys him. He constantly smells like lavender and something else that no one can for sure define, but if you stand too close, you will get drowsy. Everything about him seems a bit… uncanny valley. He doesn't look terrifying so much as he looks…. Just,,,, Incorrect. His breathing sounds like a white noise machine.  This is the form he takes during lesson 16. He chooses it specifically so he doesn't make you run immediately. 

Despite the trauma that you experienced, you have learned to find comfort in Belphegor's demon form. Sometimes, you doze off to the sound of his breathing while your hands play with the soft fur of his ears. On more than one occasion, you have compared Belphie to one of the children from Polar Express, which got you smacked in the face by his tail. But even when you get on his last nerve, he is careful not to cut you with the sharp barbs on his tail. A silent apology for killing you once upon a time.

● Level 3. Goodbye sleepy, cozy weirdness, and hello sleep paralysis demon. The thorns on his tail get larger and spread to cover his arms. His eyelids just. Fuck off. He doesn't have them anymore. Jeff the Killer looking bitch. The longer you look at him the more…absolutely fucking AWFUL he looks. Five minutes? He has double the normal amount of teeth. Ten? His horns are casting shadows that look like every nightmare you've ever had. Twenty and all of a sudden you are literally frozen in place. If he's feeling kind, he will use magic to knock you unconscious. If not, you are going to be stuck like this until well after he leaves. If he leaves. Also, he eats dreams.

You will occasionally wake up in the dead of night to the sound of raspy breathing. When you look up, you find a pair of eyes staring intently at you. In the first few seconds after waking, your dreams are so incredibly vivid that it shocks you when they dissappear from your memory, as if it never happened. You yawn, throwing a pillow at the demon's face. Which causes Belphie to laugh, not losing balance from his perch at the end of your bed for even a second.

● Level 4. He is more mist than corporeal. He can be more on the solid side. He just prefers not to. If he is in this form, hold your breath and run. Breathing in any of the mist has…. Very bad side effects. You might find yourself unable to sleep ever again, no matter how tired, until eventually you go insane. Or perhaps living your worst nightmares is more your speed? Either way, it's absolutely horrifying, and he doesn't even have to do any work to destroy you. He just makes you do that yourself. If he likes you, he can make the effects a lot less awful. Breathing in the mist is literally breathing Belphegor, so he can also read your mind (all the better to find your deepest fears). You can hear a whispery voice in the back of your head… that's him. He likes to hang out and chat with Beel like this. Or plot anti-Lucifer activities with Satan since only the person he is possessing can hear him. He can suggest you do all sorts of things, and if you aren't paying attention, you might think it's your body working on its own. If he talks normally while just being a cloud of mist, his voice is surprisingly loud, encompassing the whole room.

A tiny voice, one you know all too well, speaks in the back of your mind. The first time this happened, you thought it was your conscious or something. Perhaps a psychotic break. But no, it is just the youngest of the seven demons you live with. Belphie enjoys backseat driving while you go about your day. He laughs when you trip (honestly, it might be him that caused it...), makes jokes at the most inappropriate times, causing you to choke on your own spit, trying to suppress laughter. And when someone is being particularly rude, he gets rather descriptive in his insults. But hey, he means well. You think.

#om! shall we date #obey me #obey me x reader #obey me belphegor #obey me worldbuilding #obey me mc #shrimp writes #obey me belphie #obey me belphagor x reader

[y4miiiiiiiii]

How would the guys react to reader going into mama bear mode on base after bringing their child? Hc

Alrighty sorry for the late reply I was passed out. It's probably gonna be so bad💀

141 x black!milf!reader

Price

He honestly just wanted to see the cute kid until you almost ripped him appart when he carried them.

So he basically just watches you and your baby from far away, but sometimes will ask to carry or play with the kid.

He would totally bring them toys or books to play with and read them stories.

Won't let anyone approach the kid if you leave them under his responsibility. That's his kid now.

"Oh hey Captain, Is- Is that your kid..?" "..Yes."

Will wait patiently when you will come back and will try his best to help you without triggering you.

Overall he will be quit scared at first and distant but will warm up a little and tries his best not to punish you too hard when you try to kill others.

Ghost

That man won't even try to approach the kid. His trauma is already enough he don't feel like scaring the child with his appearance.

He would watch you a little amused from afar screaming and about to rip the head off of a rookie who just wanted to play with the kid.

Will honestly be surprised if you let him your kid saying that you trusted him the most among the others.

He will just awkwardly carry the child in his arms and stare down anyone who tries to approach them (mostly Soap and Gaz.) You gave him a mission, he will fulfill it.

"watcha got 'er LT?" "fuck off sergeant you aren't getting 'em."

Overall he won't really pay any mind to you being a mama bear unless you are going feral mode trying to kill someone off.

Bbg Gaz

He would be INLOVE with the kid, that is until you gave him the most nasty stare you could when he got closer to them with his full gear.

He would remind YOU to wash your own hands before touching the baby. He literally doesn't mind you being a mama bear his mother also was one.

Will help you chase people off and legit will ask Price to help him build a little cradle for them to play safely.

"AHHH A BABY OMG IS IT YOURS CAN I CARRY THEM?!" "1 Strop fucking screaming you will wake the baby up 2 No it's my teammates and 3 did you wash yo hands?"

Overall he doesn't mind and will encourage you into being protective of you child here because of the danger and hygiene. You guys look like a little couple ngl

Soap

IS THAT A CHILD??? CAN I CARRY IT?? WAIT CAN I PLAY WITH EM READ EM SOME STORIES???

Will cling to you until you agree for him to carry your baby. He is ready to trade his MRE for that child.

He probably has a lot of cousins or nephews so he knows or to take care of a child. You can trust him I think..

He honestly would think you are overreacting to everything because "Cmon ´s a child f'course it'll get hurt." Asshole fr unless its your first.

Overall you can trust him to keep an eye on your child but he will 100% spoil them and make fun of you if you overreact too much.

FINISHED i apologies if it's bad I never wrote before also im french sorry for the misspellings and misunderstandings.

#soap mw2 #soap call of duty #cod mw soap #soap mctavish #gaz cod #gaz mw2 #gaz x reader #kyle gaz garrick #ghost mw2 #ghost cod #ghost x reader #cod price #price mw2 #price x reader #john price #cod x you #cod x y/n #cod x reader

[mskatesharma]

Will there ever be a day when I wake up not annoyed at the lack of exploration of Kate Sharma, her background, her grief and her trauma? UNLIKELY.

I’m sorry but, we don’t even know the names of her parents? Kate *literally* says the words “my mother has a name”, and then, they just never tell us what it was. We don’t even know her father’s name beyond Mr Sharma; the father she shares with Edwina and whose marriage to Mary caused a massive scandal. We don’t know how he died (which Simone has said multiple times massively affected Kate to the point that Kate doesn’t want to open up herself or her heart to anyone new), or how her mother died. Does she know why she finds storms unsettling? And those things are just the bare minimum, because I should not still have questions about these things after the season depicting ‘her’ romance with Anthony.

And if you really want to get into it, it would have been nice to know what Kate’s relationships with her father, and with Mary were like before her father died, and then immediately after, for actual proper context. We got that with Anthony, and it would have been really fucking helpful to know these things in relation to Kate. Because did Kate always feel like she owed something to Mary and that feeling was amplified after the death of her father, or was it something that only developed afterwards? The same applies to Kate and Edwina’s relationship. Did she always feel like an outsider in her family, or did that only happen after her father died? As I’ve said before, the scene between Kate and Mary in episode 8 falls flat, and it’s because we don’t have enough background, context or information about exactly what Kate had to go through to ensure her family’s survival after Mr Sharma’s death.

I have so many questions about Kate that I reasonably shouldn’t after the season that was supposed to focus on her character, and I hate it, because we all know that we won’t be getting any of these things in season three. It’s beyond shitty, and I’m fucking tired.

And this isn’t even getting into the disparity in development of the white male lead vs the WOC lead, and how yet again, the WOC’s development and background is so obviously secondary to that of a white man’s. (Like if Kate’s name is actually Kathani, then Anthony should not have been the first person to say it. And also, if the Sharmas being Indian is incidental and not meant to be othering, why did Kate feel the need to anglicise her name in the first place? Because if anything, that’s literally othering her because she felt she had to change or hide part of her identity to fit in, and I thought the whole point was that the Sharmas didn’t need to do that. I’m gonna stop talking about the name before I can’t stop because I have THOUGHTS.)

Anyway, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the diversity on this show is fake as fuck.

#bridgerton #bridgerton netflix #kate sharma #kate sheffield #kanthony #kathony #kate x anthony #anthony x kate #apparently im still on this #i mean im never not stewing on these particular points but the thoughts have been extremely loud for the past week or so #and i had to get them out #so im sharing my useless word vomit in the hopes that it proves cathartic #not to go on but an extended library scene really could have solved A LOT of this #(as well as giving kanthony a much needed emotional conversation and connection) #maybe this wouldn’t taste so bitter if we didn’t know that they actually wrote the scenes and had simone audition with them #(along with a longer library scene) #and then just scrapped those scenes #and if we had any inclination to believe that she would be getting some focus in season three #but as we know that’s definitely not going to happen #so we're left with all of these unanswered questions and IT SHOULDN'T BE LIKE THIS!!! #i will be infuriated about this for the foreseeable future

[jackienautism]

The most horrifying thing in the Quarry to me, aside from the Hackett family ignoring Kaylee and Caleb’s trauma, is the fact that a child of unspecified age was forced to survive in the woods for six whole years after getting displaced + having his once safe haven destroyed by strangers who wanted to “save” him then having to not get caught by said strangers’ family who want him dead for something he has no control over only to be killed while in a state of dissociation/deep sleep. Like, it’s not even mentioned explicitly but just…fuck. I’d the hell out of a book like that

you always realize the most fucked up things about this godforsaken game dfgkjdg still reeling over your most recent post btw i just want them all to be happy is that too much to ask

before i add anything on i just want to say even though ive said it plenty of times before: fuck the hacketts. like for real. kaylee and caleb deserved better

but GOSH i never realized just how fucked that is actually... if only they specified his age, i think that definitely would've made it hit harder yk? bc no matter how "young" it turns out silas is, it's still gonna be way too young to be thrust into his situation. having that like be solidified would've made it that much more. i dont know. real? bc the chances of him being like my age or yours is so.. likely

assuming silas also considered the rest of the harum scarum crew his family, he really like. lost everyone he cared about in one night and that's so so sad. all while he couldnt do ANYTHING consciously about it either. imagine you wake up just to see that everyone you've ever loved is dead and the place you call home is also gone? and, if silas even came to find out what exactly happened that night (which is doubtful? due to his lack of contact with literally anyone), imagine having to come to terms that you're technically the reason all that destruction took place?

long story short. fucking hell jkdfnjs i cant even imagine living on my own in good conditions so how the hell was silas able to do it in the middle of the woods! all while being hunted by these strange people! not only does he have to worry about food and shelter but now also the HACKETTS????? it's so. its not fair man

and the hacketts ARE able to accomplish their goal aftger killing several strangers and getting 9 unsuspecting kids involved and possibly killed. alongside their other family members potentially. what the fuck. if you couldnt tell i hate thisf amily

its nice they talk more about silas and harum scarum in the podcast but like... it being in game / not being extra would've been nice. would've been nicER. actually. since th whole game pretty much revolves around silas so. surprised they didnt talk more about him. actually no im not

#the quarry #jeyfeather1234 #asks #silas vorez #mine #text #my thoughts #my TQ tag #TQ

[bhaalsdeepbat]

Astarion's Big Day

I've been doing a multiplayer campaign with @justabiteofspite and I just. need to detail what happened across two in-game days of Astarion being the party face and fucking it all up.

So, to start it out, he NAILED his shit on the Nautiloid. He picked up Us, Spite's Tav, Catha, was able to get the flame sword (nice), and everyone escaped alive and with all the explosives I asked that we grab on the way.

Everything goes great until they hit the grove. When I say that we did NOTHING in the grove before I got us locked out. We entered, Astarion got a free ring from Mattis to remember his sin, then went to pay Kagha a visit. this is where everything immediately went sideways.

We're level 2 right? We're weak. Pathetic. We should not be doing anything but saying "Yes ma'am, no ma'am," but this is Astarion. He suddenly has freedom and he doesn't remember what consequences can be like not under Caz and unfortunately here, they're still pretty deadly.

So, Arabella didn't make it because Astarion tried to stay out of the Druid business, and that made him so mad. He tried to take the body to her parents and it caused the druids to turn. So, we killed Kagha, ran out and found the Druids just massacring the tieflings.

again, we are level 2.

Astarion tries to loot what he can and accidentally triggers the bears to see him, Lae'zel, and Catha. He sneaks the fuck off, the bears kill Catha AND Lae'zel, we do NOT have Withers yet and the game won't let me long rest without Catha being alive. So he has to sneak back into the grove, gets Catha, but leaves Lae'zel's dead body there, which meant the grove didn't close.

So they go back to revive Lae'zel, LEAVE HER THERE, make a beeline for the Goblin camp, and Astarion leads Minthara to the Druids. He steals the idol of Sylvanus, everyone gets to quickly rest so Minthara can come finish these assholes off, she does, and she wants to fuck Astarion real bad.

Catha did get a vision from selune that if Astarion didn't steal the idol of Silvanus before going to sleep, Minthara and ALL of the goblins would attack him and Lae'zel, then Catha and Shadowheart would enter initiative at a significant delay that caused this omniscient, omnipresent authority figure laugh forever before having to F8 because again...we were level 2 lol

Meanwhile, Catha and Shadowheart are making eyes at one another and Astarion is there egging on all of the Cleric of Seluna x Cleric of Shar drama. Like these two are what he watches when he's ready to wind down at night. They are his Days of Our Lives, and he sometimes will whisper shit in Catha's ear when he wants to see them go through a different storyline. She's real dumb, he will grow to love her, but he will fuck with her and give her ideas of shit to say.

Anyways we go to the goblin party and Astarion just gets BACK TO BACK sick burns. He had to gaslight Gale into staying, and the convo they had HOLY FUCK. I was speechless. Astarion was just standing there kicking rocks a little ashamed (not that he'd admit it, he was actually really angry) because that was scathing.

then he goes to talk to lae'zel who was FROTHING for him, then ends it with, "but I'M NOT GONNA FUCK YOU BC YOU IGNORED ME TOO MANY TIMES" like baby i'm so so sorry Astarion literally had her in the party instead of Gale TO talk to Zorru, but the shit with the Druids turning happened before I spoke to him and note to self do that shit first lmao

Astarion has to go spend the night with Minthy bc he needs ONE of these strong bitches to protect him, but her sex scene is. in the context of astarion's trauma, it was fucking triggering for him and so he wakes up day 3 angry, traumatized, and ready to just fucking go.

he did NOT like woodstock this year. too many bears. (i named the save file woodstock after the bear attack bc we had to pause there lmao)

they finally hit level 3 and it wasn't even by killing anyone. Idr what it was, but it was either discovering a place or just from a quest update lmao

So, level 3 made Astarion feel BALLER enough he started looking for a meal. Karlach wasn't edible, but she attacked first so they had to take her out. Astarion then led them to the Paladins of Tyr and just decided to start wiping them out. No convo. Only murder. He's feeling insecure and too vulnerable after his night with Minthy.

I have no idea who this man will end up with atp because the plan was gale, but shit went sideways real quick and i'm just going to roll with it organically.

#bat plays bg3 #i love multiplayer games they're so chaotic lmao #always hit me up if you need a chaos gremlin to add spice to your run lmmao #rping in video game format is so fucking fun lmao #astarion's big day #woodstock 1492 DR

[barry-j-blupjeans]

2. “You’ll find your way back to me, I know you will.” with lup :O?

2. “You’ll find your way back to me, I know you will.”

--

Considering he worked for an organization that literally got rid of magic items that produced a strong magical thrall, maybe Barry should be more concerned. Maybe he should bring it up to someone like, "heyyyy, the umbrella that my roommate and I share custody over is giving me strange, cryptid dreams of figures in red robes. Should I be concerned about that?" No, that sounded ridiculous. The Director might fire him for- for something. Was having dreams about red robes a fireable offense? It might be, in her book.

Besides, it wasn't even just his umbrella. Half the time, it was Taako's. And he deffo wasn't going to say anything to get Taako's umbrella taken away. He looked like a kicked puppy every time it was Barry's turn. In his defense, Barry knew the feeling all too well. They had only decided on joint custody because neither of them wanted to go without it.

Of course, that was before the cryptid dreams.

They started simple. Barry would appear in a dark room, sitting cross-legged. Across from him, a woman in a red robe sat. She would open her mouth to say something and then Barry was waking up. This process repeated several times a night, to the point where Barry was almost grateful to give up the umbrella. Almost. Not really, though.

He'd get a break for a few days until the umbrella was traded back to him. And then, there he was again, every night in the dark room. The short, almost-conversations turned into short, actually-conversations. Ones where the red-robed figure would ask him about his day, or about Taako, or about whatever.

As the nights progressed, getting longer into their stay at the Bureau, the conversations got longer. The "how are you"'s would pick up into "tell me a bit about you" into something that was sorta like a therapy session, but chiller, and less focused on his traumas. The red-robed figure actually wanted to get to know him. Sometimes, Barry would tell her things that she seemed to already know, but she never seemed any less interested in hearing about them.

"He didn't," the Red Robe said, delighted.

"He did," Barry said. "Magnus tried to climb up the tree to get him down before- before the Director saw, y'know? And Magnus was an inch away from him before Davenport just fuckin' jumps back down the tree!"

"Oh my god," the Red Robe said, laughing. Barry loved that sound.

"And then Magnus got stuck on one of the branches when he was coming down-"

"No!"

"Yes! And we were just gonna go get the Director at that point but then Davenport hops up there again and gets his shirt unhooked from one of the branches. And Mags just goes tumbling down the tree. I think he's still got the bruises, Merle refused to heal him 'cus he did it to himself."

"He's so fucking stupid," the Red Robe said, affection evident in her voice. "I wish I had been there to see that."

"I..." Barry paused, breath caught in his throat. He coughed. "I wish you had been too."

The glow of her robe shimmered and dimmed slightly, but Barry still got the impression she was smiling at him. He leaned back on his hands, looking at her.

"That's really nice of you to say, Barry," she said, finally. "But I'm not sure I'd be welcome with the whole, uh, y'know. Thing that Lu- that the Director has going on."

"Yeah, but you're not-" Barry scrambled to find a word that fit. "You're not evil? I hope."

"I try not to be," the Red Robe said.

"You're not evil," Barry said, a little more firmly. "I'm sure if you explained the situation-"

"That I've been invading the mind of her employees 'cus I'm lonely?" the Red Robe prompted. "I'm sure that'll go down well."

"She doesn't get it," Barry said. "You're not like the- the bad Red Robes. You didn't even know who the hell they were until I explained it to you."

"Barry-"

"And you're nice," Barry went on. "And funny. I- I don't think you'd want to hurt anyone on purpose, so if I could just get her to listen-"

"Barry."

"Then maybe we could work something out," he finished. The Red Robe's form crackled and shifted, unsure of herself. Barry flushed a little. "Sorry. I'm just... you're not a bad person. You're just... in a bad situation? Or something. We can workshop it."

"Don't worry about it right now," the Red Robe said. "We'll figure something out later. It's getting late, isn't it?"

"I don't mind staying longer," Barry said hopefully but the Red Robe shook her head.

"You need sleep," she said.

"But Taako's gonna take the umbrella back tomorrow," Barry said. "I just, uhm. I wanted to spend more time with you."

"Hey," the Red Robe said. "You'll find your way back to me. I know you will. Until then-" she stood, stretching. Her form crackled a bit menacingly, but Barry couldn't bring himself to care too much. "Try to remember how many trees Magnus gets stuck in within the next week. I'm very eager to know about them."

"I will," Barry said. "Promise."

"I know you will," the Red Robe said, a grin in her voice. "See ya soon, babe."

And Barry woke up.

#blupjeans #barry bluejeans #lup #taz #mine #asks #transgenderpolyhedrals #ise cube writing

[jacenwinditup]

spare blog bc yall are way too much n this has gotten really out of hand over a "joke ship" cuz if that was all the one sentence post shouldnt bother you. it didnt mention anyone bc it was a very literal comment on a very real fandom trend. maybe cuz im autistic too but literally not angry or different from commenting on the daily blogs or damn whats a splip. all that person said was "why are we shipping shin with his schizophrenia demon" n added the tags "it's fucking weird"

but since its makin people feel attacked, lets take this apart. itss a general fandom statement ("why are we doing this") and partially a joke since ur obviously not meant to take "schizophrenia demon" seriously, n i assume since one of this user's friends(?? i forgot to ask) spam rb it, they thought it was clear. even tho it was a neutral exasperated statement, the tags added the "reason" why the post was made (which a lot of autistics do cuz our emotions have to be justified by neurotypicals esp when we meltdown or have discomforts with specific sounds) was assumably bc personal squick

if u look in the notes there are 2 additions that are concisely saying "shadow sou is manifestation of trauma" (true for schizophrenia and system hc) and "it's incredibly inappropriate to treat his hallucination like this even if ur joking" also true, n im gonna go one step further bc i actually messaged this person instead of doing the hypocritical thing (u say this person "attacks a joke" n tags it, meanwhile u attack this person in the main tags meaning it takes up everythingggg. over one sentence!)

this user clarified in priv dms "i honestly don't mind *any* joke ships on their own, it's just. concerning as an overall fandom trend of only ever treating hallucinations lightly or inaccurately - though i didn’t realize people would latch onto this, otherwise i would've clarified the actual issue sooner" n went on to point at specific times people shared unintentionally triggering content like they're jokes for yttd n other fandoms, n pointed out the issue that if you critique in detail that people usually try to trigger you assuming ur also psychotic (which can be upsetting even if ur not), and said that apprehension was why they didnt make any long post on it and only replied to friends' comments on the post

n look, they didn't want me to say this, but im not gonna be polite i think some of u need a wake up call bc guess what!! they already got triggering unreality comments + a sinophobic comment bc some full ass adults felt personally attacked n went overboard by one stupid post, generating enough attention for harassment and misgendering. ur all acting way too fucking immature and some teenager pointing out "shipping some guy with his hallucination is a weird joke" Is NOT the hill id die on.. n to be clear i also thought the post was a little weird at first, bc it was talking abt a joke but the phrasing was formal (tho hindsight 20/20 thats also usually a nd thing), but you either move on with ur day or u think it like "huh maybe it is weird" and then move on with ur day. but then its blown completely out of proportion like yall are obsessed. if this user's concerns are a nonissue (which the ship thing meh probably not, but treatment of hallucinations is a issue) then ur absolutely getting mean + antsy over nothing. 1 post compared to countless posts you use to vague this person and basically lie abt what they actually said w/o thinking or trying to contact them first. instead ur doing the same thing ur criticizing urself fillin up tags attacking 1 person like damn if u think it was an issue just block n move on jfc

#yttd #user doesnt like they/them but said its ok when prns unavoidable btw. the misgendering instance was someone usin g he/him

[orcelito]

so was anyone gonna tell me that vash literally stabs Rem bc she interrupted him trying to stab himself after days of starving himself due to the horror of seeing the truth about his sister being experimented on to death, or was i supposed to just find that out while reading the manga by myself

no joke i think chapter 41 is currently my favorite chapter bc of how fucking Raw it is. Rem fighting tooth and nail to get through to Vash that she cares, that she never wanted any of that to happen, that she was willing to perform a major violation of code just to keep them safe. & in the end it's her literally putting her life on the line that gets through to him that she cares

and afterwards, him finally eating again, & her telling him the story of her dream of the train & the blank ticket to the future.

it's practically criminal that tristamp didnt include this. Vash literally starving himself, trying so hard to kill himself out of abject horror of the reality he was living in & total fear and hatred of humanity. but This human shows him that it's not all like that, they're not all like that, & it gets him to smile and say he's glad she stopped him

it's just. tristamp does communicate that she's dear to him, but it shows it as just a simple mother kind of situation. she didnt just raise him, she Fought for him every step of the way. the only thing we see post-tesla in his childhood is him approaching knives and being like "Lets have faith in humanity" & even at the time i was just like "man this feels kind of baseless" like where does that faith come from? and knives clearly thinks the same, given his reaction.

but it's this. This is where that comes from. Rem literally catching the knife with her hand for him, uncaring of it slicing her so long as she keeps him alive. and even after he Literally stabs her, when she wakes up and sees him eating, she Smiles. she shares this story, her faith in humanity, & it gets through to him. because of Her, he believes in humanity, too.

meanwhile Knives didnt get this trauma processing. he passed out, woke up, got filled in with the story... and then just pretended to be okay with it all. pretended like it didnt rock his entire world down to its very foundations. he didnt get this same experience, he didnt get to See how rem fought for him. in the end, it was "us" against "them" in his mind, him and vash and this girl the humans killed through their curious nature. so of course. of Course he wanted them gone.

while vash turned his fear and hatred inwards, knives turned it outwards. and thus, their stances as adults was established.

#speculation nation #fanny reads trigun #trigun spoilers/ #blood/ #suicide ment/ #this is just so... it's so fucking Deep #i love tristamp but i really really wish theyd focused at least a bit more on the post-tesla experience #because this explains so much of who they are as people #shy little vash turning into a major socialite with infinite love of humanity #vs sensitive little knives turning into an embodiment of pure righteous anger & hatred for humanity #ive been losing my mind reading these chapters and examining them all and Processing #it's so... it's so much. it's so much and i love this manga to Pieces. help me.

[ohanny]

okay, i am starting bed friend and since watching alone makes me stressed you are once again exposed to my initial reactions:

i love how the first minute of this show is uea being all "i am just your average guy... except i am so hot everyone desires me and it makes my life so hard. sigh."

HELLO YIM IN YOUR BOWL CUT NERD MULLET YES YES YOU ARE MY BABY MY SUNSHINE MY ETERNAL LOVE PLS TAKE ME AWAY IN YOUR SPACESHIP

so mark is like fine fine in that grown ass man way. pls someone tell me he is a lead in a show because i need

also like... am i the only one who thinks james is the soft, godly lovechild of yim and nat?

how can you dislike king and his jawline of doom. wait. oh my god. are having enemies to lovers thrown in this too?!?!? are they gonna hit all my fave tropes?!?

oh boy. OH BOY. something happened that night for sure sure

no but as a low voices appreciator this theme song is tickling my ears in a good way

ooh not the shiny shoes. damn, you really don't like the man.

oh this does not sound good but the stubble but OH FUUUUUCK

i have known uea for literally 5 minutes and 16 seconds and i am ready to murder anyone who hurts him

oh no. trauma.

yeah no, murdering anyone who hurts him is not enough. i need to go full vegas in a torture poncho on their ass.

the fuckboy has got the feels already 11/10 look at that face

in the non-creepiest way possible: i need to put these child actors into my pocket and feed them cupcakes

okay so the mom belongs in the bin

oh bitch DON'T YOU DARE call him

give my boy all the fuzzy blankets to cover up his sadness

noooo when do these boys learn pulling someone's metaphorical pigtails as a method of flirting will never work

ksdjfkalsfjasdlfj james since when have you been this PRETTY

king: babe, what can i do to make you like me uea: die

pock rhymes with cock which is exactly what you have to be to mess with my baby. a musty, unwashed, diseased cock.

jade is such a sweet bean and also a mood at the end of the day

i love how their gc is called "domundi"

what in the workplace parking garage showdown is this. also mark, daddy, step on me. respectfully.

okay, free karaoke emergencies are my kind of emergencies.

why does no one want to ride with the boss? I VOLUNTEER AS A TRIBUTE

lol, poor jade being thrown under the bus

is it gay to be unable to go through a single interaction with your workplace nemesis without standing face to face, intensely staring at one another? asking for a friend

ohhh cock is calling. hang up. that's a good boy.

this karaoke makes me miss my early twenties. also noooo, my baby jade letting loose while uea is like "pls god someone save me. end my suffering. existence is pain."

jade: i am about to vomit everyone else: THE FUCK YOU ARE WEAKLING boss: also you still have to work lmfao

butt. hehet.

oh nooo he has a cute lil man purse on top of the confidence to wear white pants? damn.

oooh he is drunk. i can see where this is going and i have conflicting feelings about it :')

i do not have conflicting feelings about these collarbones though. they are very much fire.

piggyback rides T T

okay but do i have to move to thailand to afford these condos on a single income?

one day these bl boys will be this gentle and soft yet also capable of resisting the urge to ravish their drunk crushes

(un)holy spiderman o.o

*distressed noises*

oh if you left snow white in bed all alone i am going to kill you

okay yes that is some tongue

i do love a strategically placed mustard yellow pillow

ooooh, it was king who had to wake up alone. oh my sweet babies. why do i feel so bad for both of them?

seriously, that bathroom is custom made. how much do these average salary men make?

JADE IN THE ICONIC YELLOW CARDIGAN

jade: omg what is wrong bestie uea: *war flashbacks to cock* sleep deprivaton

the fact jade is always drinking boba is just so in character. not that we know much all about his character but the point still stands. he is a boba boy.

oh that "mom" needs the bin asap. and you can't add a "we need to talk" text to that, king, you and your jawline need to time things better.

oh no. shit is about to go down in the copy room.

i love the alleged king of one night stands not comprehending one night stand etiquette. boy is down bad.

king: seriously uea: i am avoiding avoiding the subject, that's how deep my avoidance goes

they are just so laskdfjasdklfjsadlkfjaslkjfoierjudfj

why do i feel uea almost running people down with his car is a character trait

ugh, my poor baby is in pain and i don't know how to help (T⌓T)

THIS CAT

#bed friend #bed friend ep1 #episode recap reaction whatever #i am down bad #king x uea #new hyperfixation HERE I COME

[dzpenumbra]

5/27/23

I'm officially angry with my upstairs neighbors. And I honestly don't know what to do about it.

I got to sleep around 6 or 7 AM. I was woken up at fucking 9. Some kind of hammering or pounding on the wall right next to my bed, on the floor above me. It went on for like 30 minutes, at least. Long enough for me to give up on falling back asleep. Then I got sucked into an internet black hole for like 2 hours... then I went downstairs, made some cereal and ate it while watching skate videos. Then I got ready to go back to sleep, and picked out a binaural beat thing because that actually does help me fall asleep really well, especially for daytime naps, which I've always struggled with. The second I put the video on... they started pounding again. Not even exaggerating, it's fucking comical. I had to straight-up restrain myself from yelling. Really really bad fucking timing. And I could hear it plain as day with the noise cancelling and the audio in the headphones too. After a bit, they stopped long enough for me to fall asleep.

I shit you not... get ready for this... I woke up at like 3:30... on a Friday afternoon... to the sounds of them screaming while having sex. So loud that I could hear it over the noise cancelling, so loud that it fucking woke me up.

And... I'm just gonna get personal here, because... that's what journals do... I have some sexual-related traumas, and I have PTSD. And... though it's definitely not the dominant theme of my PTSD shit, it definitely sets off some really difficult shit for me. So... sex-related things can be a bit complicated for me, and waking up to that... it's really hard to put into words how unsettling that is. And, honestly... now that I'm thinking about it... I really feel for anyone who has young kids who lives in my apartment building. Like... that would be really fucked up for a young kid to hear that at 3:30 on a Friday afternoon.

And I'm once again in this position where... I'm getting thousands of reflexes pushing back against me right now. Years of training. "Do not complain. Do not be an asshole about this. Don't be that guy." Saying "something you're doing is causing severe disruption to my daily life" is me being an asshole. Saying "please don't vacuum at 4 AM the day before Easter" is me being an asshole. Saying "please let me know before you do building maintenance on an adjacent wall, especially in the AM hours" is me being an asshole. Saying "please don't hammer on the walls at 9AM on a Friday morning" is me being an asshole. Me saying "please don't blast action movies 6 feet above my bed at 10 AM when I go to bed at 5" is me being not just an asshole, but a dysfunctional member of society on a backwards life schedule. This is the narrative that has been trained into my head, and reinforced over the course of years... possibly my entire life. Likely my entire life.

I just...suck it up. And on good months, I find some way to... tap into compassion. Like my sloppy reflexive take on the Buddhist monk approach. "They have a right to their lives too." "They don't know they're upsetting me." "I can just sleep later." "I'm the one with the weird schedule that I can't fix."

I dealt with this same shit at my last house with my landlord fucking mowing my lawn outside my window, like literally a foot away from my head... twice a week... starting as soon as fucking possible. He mowed that grass so fucking much that it was all dirt in the corners around the fence from him over-mowing. And I told my landlords multiple times "I work nights, I sleep in, please mow the lawn after noon." But it was nearly always around 10 or 11, and never on predictable days... just whenever the dude felt like it. And it would take all day. And it would rile my dog up and get her barking, so I'd have to chill her out and hang out with her, on like 5 hours of sleep... and that just became my life until the snow started falling again. I even offered to mow the entire lawn for them - they were retired and lived in a building on the same property - if they gave me a little deal on my rent, and they flat-out refused to even talk about it.

I genuinely don't know what to do. I feel like sleep disturbance is probably the most significant factor in my difficulty functioning in society and my difficulty in managing my mental health. And... I'm writing this at 4:30 AM.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I love the peace of these hours so much. I love the creative flow I get at this time. Plus... I just keep gravitating back to this schedule. I can't fucking help it, it just keeps happening. And it's been happening for like... half my life. What the fuck do I do about it? Do I write an email to my building manager, ask for a meeting and just chat with her about the problems I'm having and see what she suggests? Do I try to find out what room is right above me and leave them a note saying, "Hi, I live below you, you have really loud sex and I can hear all the screams and (no offense) I really don't want to hear that. I also would really appreciate it if you could keep it down a little bit in the AM hours, because I work nights. I'm assuming you don't know how loud you are because you don't have an upstairs neighbor, it's not the end of the world, but it's fucking with my sleep a lot so... if you don't mind keeping it down a bit I'd really appreciate it." Do I go with my plan of playing recordings of babies crying through a bluetooth speaker pressed directly against their floor while they're having sex? Do I find those noise machines that make annoying sounds that only young people can hear, and play that when they're making noise in the morning until they leave? I just... I don't know what to do.

I mentioned in therapy about my brainstorming on this here a few days ago. I struggle confronting people. Because it has gone so fucking horribly, traumatically wrong for me, so often. And not by fault of my own, by the way. That's the fucked up part that I'm really starting to wake up to.

God, okay... let's go down this memory road, because it's a super important one for me to remember. I was at the retreat place... trying to get off of meds that I was stuck on for what ended up being mental health misdiagnoses... living with about 10 people in their very early 20's. We were at a workshop with the eccentric founder, who was also the head of the Psych department at a local university. She was actually pretty cool, just... pretty out of touch with people like me, struggled to relate and communicate with me. She was running a workshop she called "The Shame Game"... where we all go around the circle and write a moment when we felt most ashamed, then we share it with the group, and hear what others think of it. I think it's a genius idea, and the fact that I'm referring back to it years later is pretty clear proof that it really is helpful for the right people. But it's a big step for people who aren't really... there yet.

For me, I wrote a moment that - at the time - happened pretty recently. This is probably not going to make any sense when I tell it, but I swear it's exactly how it went down. Let me get some ice cream first, so I can get through this, this one's a bit rough for me.

Alright, so it was Summer 2019 and I was well into my return to smoking weed and reconnecting with being an artist after my breakup and first experiences with death. I had been going out to the stream on my property every day with my dog, rearranging rocks to make the stream into a sculpted Zen Garden. I saw a standing dead tree trunk out there, about 4 feet tall. I was inspired to chop it down and make a bench out of it. I had no idea how, I was just going to figure it out as I went along. I called up my mom and floated the idea, because my hatchet and axe were over in her garage - along with the majority of my possessions. See... I used to live above that garage for about... 7 years? And I was assured that it was okay for me to move in at my own pace, and having my stuff there wasn't a problem. I felt some pushback from her on the tree trunk idea, and I have no idea... why? Or... why that was really any of her business? Like... I wasn't asking her permission, I was sharing an idea hoping for something like "wow, that's a cool idea" and just like... being respectful to let her know that I was planning on coming over (I lived 5 miles away) and getting my shit from her property, so she wasn't caught off-guard. I don't remember that conversation going poorly, but in the years since, she recalled it as very clearly telling me "no". ... As though she... has a right to keep my personal possessions away from me... her (at the time) 32 year old son... because she thinks I'm having a mental breakdown or something? That was the fucking paranoid narrative going around in that house. All because I was smoking pot and grieving a lot of losses alone, and reconnecting with art and spirituality.

But I digress... I... thought we were on good terms. I remember clearly, I was wearing a bandana and sunglasses, a white wife-beater with a big rainbow peace sign from the band Parkway Drive, camo shorts, barefoot. And I had my dog with me, with her bandana on as well. I got her in the car and we went over to get either the axe that I had used to hand-chop down a tree on my parents' property years prior... or my hatchet that I had since Junior year of high school. The hatchet I took on my 3-day thru-hike with me. The hatchet that had a ton of sentimental value to me. I pull in the driveway and my dog has her head out the window, because you know... she's a dog... And my parents are on the front porch. My mom's dog comes charging across the driveway at my parked car and the dogs start barking at each other. Her dog started to jump up on my car. See, despite these two dogs being around the same age, and very similar personalities... my mom outright aggressively refused to introduce the two. Despite my poor girl not having any dog friends, and being super sweet and social. And my mom's dog was a really nice girl too, who also had no friends. But my mom was fed some weird rhetoric like 20+ years ago that female dogs will fight to the death? And you never have female dogs around each other. And... I tried to disprove this to my mom. I tried to show her examples. My girl's first best friend was a big 2 year old mutt named Luna, they were wild, they played rough, but they would like... cuddle up together. There was never aggression, they were always overjoyed to see each other.

So... I'm guessing that panic primed the interaction. My mom came racing off the porch. I had already pulled her dog away from my car and closed the window on that side. There was no issue at all with the dogs and I took care of it swiftly and without incident. My mom starts freaking out on me. She started acting like I had done something wrong. Which, I'm now realizing like 4 years later is like... blatant reflexive gaslighting. Like, obvious. She's ashamed of how her dog reacted, so she makes me the bad guy. But that shit... it escalated quickly. And it got even worse when my dad came over and backed her up. I'm standing in her driveway, barefoot, and they're just like "what do you want? why are you here?" And I keep repeating, "I'm just here for my axe and my hatchet. I told you I was coming over. Are they in the garage? Are they in the barn?" And my mom starts telling me I can't have them. I remind her that they are my property... and she is simply storing them... and she can't really like... tell me I can't have access to my own tools... She doubles down. This escalated to them threatening to call the cops on me for trespassing if I didn't leave. And I still don't even fucking know why. Like... it's got to be panic. It's still so surreal looking back and going... "yeah, that actually happened."

They freaked out and went inside. I gave up on the axe and went into the garage and looked around for my hatchet in the last spot I remember it being. I couldn't find it. In fact, the area where all the tools had been was just... gone. I went upstairs where all my shit was stored and... it was a fucking warzone. She had gotten construction done on that building while all my shit was still there. There was drywall dust and spackle and paint and shit all over my stuff. My fucking college degree was bent and covered in drywall dust. I took fucking photos, it was so appalling that I was worried I might need them for a court case or something. Half of my tattooing supplies were ruined. I told my mom I was using this opportunity (since I was there) to organize my shit and get it the hell out of there ASAP. That if she was going to try to control and regulate my access to my own fucking possessions? And after seeing how horribly my shit was treated? I was getting my shit out of there as quickly as possible. And as I sorted important stuff very quickly, still in my search for the hatchet... I found some sentimental stuff from the past. And I... like a fucking crow with an abusive owner or something... brought sentimental things over to her back door and left them outside, as an offering. A reminder of who the person she was treating like this really was. Trying to elicit any fucking conscience or soul I could, through memory, to snap her the fuck out of whatever was going on. And... that was when I had the moment that... was my shame. Yes, I actually do remember why I was telling this story! XD The Shame Game...

I had the pile of offerings by the door. And my mom came over to the glass door and yelled at me to leave. And I tried one last time to beg her to reconsider. And my dad came over and backed her up. And she threatened to call the cops on me again. And I offered to do it for her. I offered to fucking do it for her. And I pulled out my phone and had the police station number stored in my phone and scrolled the phonebook to that number and had no fucking hesitation to do it if they threatened again. And... honestly? Maybe I should've called. Maybe I should've had a witness to that shit, and they'd have to explain how they were trying to call the cops on their 30 year old hippie son for "trespassing" when trying to reclaim tools for an art project. When he's a fucking artist, with a mangled degree in art.

I just want to note, for myself... I am trembling right now. It's not me being cold, it's not me being overtired... though those are factors... it's me reliving abuse. And it sucks. It's a unique feeling. Shaky, trembly, weak, tense. Yeah. Sucks.

But we're not quite to the part I was telling this whole story for yet. So... I didn't call the cops. And... my little brother appears behind my parents. And starts screaming at me to get off their property. I can see it in my head like a fucking nightmare, so vivid. The three of them silhouetted behind the glass door, screaming at me like chimpanzees behind the glass in a zoo exhibit. Very primal. And I... I broke. And I spat on the fucking glass, left the offerings for nature to take them, got whatever I could salvage and left.

And that was my shame. That I spat on the glass. That I let all three of them break me. I had a moment of weakness, and I did something petty. Out of aggression. Out of spite. Out of retaliation. And I'm better than that. I'm fucking better than that.

Can you see how strongly I feel about this?

But the point of all this was... when I told that story to my group... not only was there not a single jaw that hadn't hit the fucking floor... but people in the group were actually a bit upset with me because... because of how tame that was. Because no one could actually see themselves reacting that tamely in that situation. Like 10 people, all from different backgrounds, some very passive personalities, some more outburst-y... all unanimous that... I really didn't need to carry that shame.

But I do. And it showed me just how fucking important perspective can be. Especially for someone who grew up in or has spent a substantial amount of time in a manipulative, controlling and/or abusive environment.

So... now that you know that story... a little taste of my upbringing... Now you know what my brain thinks it's going to get as a reaction to spitting on a window and storming off. Imagine what my brain thinks is going to happen with... direct confrontation with a stranger.

You ready for a fucked up formula? The PTSD spiral? My trauma is set off by these people fucking up my sleep. And it gets to the point of crippling my entire life if left unchecked. How do I address it? Communication, right? Which... in this case... is almost exclusively confrontation. Confronting disruptive behaviors. And my ability to confront... is affected by how severely agitated my PTSD is. So... the more I need to confront people, the more my primal threat detection systems shut me down, the more I self-sabotage and find ways to talk myself out of confrontation. To protect me from blame, to protect me from shame, to protect me from harm. Be it physical (threat to housing stability, living near a known enemy), psychological (the way I think) or spiritual (the way I feel). My survival instincts will very quickly start to paint any narrative they can to keep me from confronting others and thus putting myself in harm's way - and lucky me... I've been fed plenty of easily believable self-protective (self-blaming/self-destructive) narratives my entire life, taught to me by my gaslighting family and toxic past relationships.

<heavy sigh>

Welp... it's 5:30 now. XD

It's exhausting living like this. And, in a fucking weird way... I envy the people who live above me. How simple and carefree their life must be!

But I have to remember... as much pain as I've suffered, as much as I have never deserved any of what I've been through. I've grown so much because of it. I am so fucking strong because of it. In so many ways, I am not a victim any more. I am a survivor. And though the war may be over... for now... I still carry habits, and I need to learn how to navigate things like this. Specifically confrontation and setting boundaries. And the only way to learn is to practice.

I'm just upset that I've been begging for help with this for years... just someone to go with me and hold my hand, or proofread shit, or something. And... that person just doesn't exist. And I don't think I've ever met anyone (except maybe my little brother) who needs help with that more than me.

Alright, enough of that for now. That was very intense.

I spent a huge chunk of the evening inking the skull. It looks so fucking cool. I know I had my doubts and shit, I always do... but... this is really sick. I, with my obsession for clean forms and details, decided to start inking with a wooden skewer instead of my tiny detail paintbrush. It allowed me more precision. So I spent most of the night dipping a wooden kebab skewer into Kuro Sumi outlining ink and inking an abstract design onto a goat skull. And the ink from last night did not bleed or smudge. It dried on it really well, actually. So I went buck wild with it, and I got... probably 2/3 of the abstract design that I penciled done. The ink flows incredibly well on bone, it's hard to really explain. I'm glad I polished it first. It feels like plastic, very smooth application which lets you make really smooth lines and fill areas really quickly. But unlike plastic, it's naturally porous, so a lot of the ink actually does subtle absorb into the bone. I enjoyed the process and look forward to working on it tomorrow! I'll most likely share the final product on here.

Since it's already 5:30, let's just go whole hog tonight and do tarot too. Fuck it. It's not like I have anything to get up for tomorrow, and there's like an 80% chance I'm just going to be woken up in a few hours anyway. Same spread as always.

First Position - Past - Two of Wands (Planning, scrutiny, taking risks and moving a plan forward.  The active force needed to put a plan into motion.) Second Position - Present - Ace of Swords, inverted (Intellect, apply logic and reason, Clarity and focus of mind.) Third Position - Future - I: The Magician (Balance between conscious and subconscious, unity between spirit and matter.  Indicates a period of ability to manifest will.)

Alright. So we're starting with a period from my past... a thread that originates in my ambition, determination and planning. This led to... present situations where logic and reason are actually causing dysfunction. Or... something's out of whack with my clarity and focus? Like my plans aren't coming to fruition because of a disruption in the Ace of Swords symbol in the Present. And... if that thread continues... there will continue to be a disruption in my equilibrium as a well-balanced person. Disrupting my ability to become the ideal version of what I strive to be.

I mean... it's a pretty simple message, really, right? My planning... through the lens of skewed focus and logic... leads to me not being able to manifest great things. And that logic skew is mostly surrounding shitty experiences and false lessons taught to me. Like some of the shit I talked about tonight. And... I'm actively working on that. So, that's good!

Cool, welp, that makes sense. Alright. Off to bed for me. Wish me luck. I'm bringing the headphones upstairs with me this time. Maybe when those fuckers inevitably make noise, I can just pop the earbuds in and roll over. Fingers crossed.

But on a brighter closing note? The skull is coming along really well. I'm excited to share progress once I get to a comfortable stopping place.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness