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pineappleciders · 1 year

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heyy first of all its me the fucked up dream anon (now going by dream anon how original) second of all ive decided im going to learn about south park purely through your work so can i get some tweek (ive latched onto that boy) and whoever else you want (probably the main boys) with a reader (all platonic ofc) who's got that #anxiety? thanks even if you dont do it <33

🌌🌟/dream anon

main 4 + tweek with a reader who has anxiety; platonic headcanons

A/N: haii :3 i apologize if this like, distorts your vision of the characters or something. i am so glad you are being converted to the religion of tweek!!!!!!

TRIGGER WARNING: anxiety disorders, light mental health topics, paranoia, panic/anxiety attacks, death mention on kennys part

stan marsh

i think stan has a normal amount of anxiety. like he's so regular. he's your average joe

like he gets anxious over tests, and giving speeches, and over wendy. other than that he doesn't experience it to the extent of a disorder

so it might be a little difficult for him to imagine getting anxious over simple things like ordering food and stuff like that

he'll try his best to listen though, although he'll probably try to kinda reason with you, esp if you're feeling paranoid or something

"dude, i checked twice, it's locked. relax, man."

he'll try to distract you, by playing games and watching stuff, and just generally kinda trying to be funny to take your mind off of things

if you're having a panic/anxiety attack, he kinda panics too at first, before quickly pulling you away and asking what's wrong. he is sweating very hard

if you're unresponsive, he tries to stay calm but is honestly considering calling an ambulance. like he thinks you're having a stroke

"shit, a panic attack? uh, okay, errr.... take deep breaths, okay? in.. and out. in.. and out. okay, that's good.."

he looks up grounding techniques on his phone and relays them to you until you calm down and catch your breath. he like sends you images off of google of the 5 senses technique randomly and says he figured you'd need it someday

he tries to keep your anxiety in mind, and might slip up sometimes, but for the most part he tries to be careful with his words and actions as to not worry you. he shows his care in subtle ways!!

kyle broflovski

he tries to kinda. logic it out a bit. like if you're feeling insecure he tells you how unrealistic it is for someone to think about one random passerby's appearance forever

he does feel bad though. he doesn't completely understand, but whenever he's feeling insecure he tends to get really anxious about people at school

he usually gets anxious whenever he's doing something wrong or sneaking out. like he's actually sweating and shitting his pants thinking about what his mom will do to him if she finds out

he'll encourage you to order food for yourself, to get yourself out there more, and if you succeed he'll pat your shoulder and smile a lil

if you don't want to, he might dramatically sigh but he'll do it anyways. cuz he knows how hard it is

i do think he'd get a little anxious about asking workers for help and stuff, but he'll be the bigger person... he supposes... smh my head...

when you have an panic attack for the first time, he's like really confused and gets super concerned that you're having a heart attack, and pulls his phone out to dial your parents or 911

"i'm here for you dude! listen- hey, listen to me. it's okay. can- can you-"

he tries to talk to you to de-escalate it, but he gives up and has his hand on your back, while looking up what the fuck to do

'friend havign panjc atgack what to do'

if you're okay with it, he probably talks to your parents about it. he doesn't really trust himself to be able to always calm you down, so he encourages getting outside/professional help

he does try though, and he'll always be there for you in different ways!! like when you need help with something or just need company to distract you, he's at ur door with his xbox 360

eric cartman

you can tell that eric gets a little uncomfortable if you're freaking out or feeling anxious. whether it's because he actually feels bad or just doesn't know how to handle your emotions, you'll never know

but either way, he'll probably just like. sit next to you like "dude, what's up with you?" or in other cases he'll sneakily slip out of the room unseen

he does try to be kinda logical about it, but that's solely because he physically can't speak words of comfort.

"i mean, dude, be seriously. nobody cares about you that much to notice." you speak such kind words eric!!

he doesn't really like it when things get serious, so he'll generally try to transition the situation into something more casual. like he'll try to ease your (his) mood by getting snacks and playing games together, or even begging his mom to take you both to KFC

if you have a panic attack, all of his alarms are blaring and his brain is screaming flight!!!!! flight!!!! run the fuck away!!!!

and he probably tries to, but when you notice him and call his name he physically deflates

he awkwardly turns around and slowly strolls over. "Y/N... heeeeeeey... what's up... duuude..." you can hear the strain in his voice

if it gets to be too much, as in you won't stop hyperventilating or can't breathe, he'll probably alert an adult or take you to the nurse or something. he tells himself it's because he doesn't want to be a suspect of your death

if ur having trouble ordering food he'll gladly take ur place and make a scene to get all eyes on him. "erm excuthe me they athed for no pickleth🤓"

other than when you're voicing your anxiety, he probably treats you the same. i don't really think he'd take advantage of your anxiety unless you were like. butters or heidi or something and he was really trying to get you to do something for him or just trying to. stick himself in your mind. because he's a narcissist and he loves that!!

kenny mccormick

he doesn't relate necessarily, but he definitely understands.

he lives a lot of his life in fear of his next death, and is constantly praying it be quick and painless

kenny is more of a reserved fella, but not really shy or anxious. so if you're having trouble speaking up or ordering something he'll step up and do it gladly!!

i think he'd be pretty decent at comforting. like he'll pat his hand on your back and speak assuring, muffled words

"mm, mmph mmph mmmph! mmph mph mph mmmfmf mmf mph mph mmph!" (aww, it'll be okay. i'll walk you every step of the way, buddy!)

he tries to take your emotions into consideration more, and grabs your hand and squeezes it sometimes if you need a boost of confidence. sometimes he forgets your anxiety and says something rude and feels really bad about it

when you're having a panic attack, he's honestly really scared and expects you to start foaming at the mouth or something

he'll hesitate, but he'll pat your back and try to help you with grounding techniques. the 5-4-3-2-1 in particular is his favorite, and he'll tell you how to do it in like a rlly sweet and calming voice

he's still spooked though, and gets you a water bottle and like a washcloth. he's incredibly thankful you aren't dying or anything

kenny is very good at comforting! sometimes all it takes is a simple moment of eye contact and seeing his eyes crinkle that gives you a surge of calmness you didn't know you needed

tweek tweak

tweek is no outsider to anxiety and stress. he's literally a living beehive with all that damn vibrating

to anyone else, it would seem like tweek had a severe anxiety disorder, or even ADHD. but it turns out it's just a result of his crippling meth addiction and caffiene overdoses

he tries to think about what craigs taught him, about grounding techniques and how to handle a panic attack, and tries to apply those for you

he's shakily take your hand and wrap you in a blanket, making you hot cocoa and helping you slowly come back to your senses

"okay, okay, what are 5 things you can touch? or- no- AGH! was it 5 things you see- hear? no, ACK! i can't remember!"

most of the time if you're feeling on-edge about something, his main goal will be to just listen to you talk and validate your feelings. he doesn't really make it a point to give you advice or try to be logical, unless you directly ask for it

he's great at listening!!! he also doesn't trust his own advice enough to say it to someone else.

he really tries to think hard about what comforts him when he's anxious, and so he tries to use the tactics for you. for instance, he tries to help you get into a hobby like painting to have a bit more control over yourself

hc that tweek loves to draw with crayons so he'll make little drawings of you and him as stick figures being all happy and give them to you. as a treat

overall he is very attentive, and cares a lot. he tries his very best to be there for you, and a lot of the time that results in you two just hanging out or gaming together, so you can both get your mind off of things for a while. it makes him happy to be able to be there for someone else like craig was for him

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elldritch-horror · 2 days

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So, there's this post I've been mentally drafting for a bit, which in its simplest terms boils down to:

broke: people at work asking 'how was your weekend' are genuinely interested in the minutiae of your weekend

woke: people at work asking 'how was your weekend' are doing so as small talk, and don't care about your weekend

bespoke: people at work asking 'how was your weekend' are probably not explicitly and specifically interested in your weekend, but they probably are interested in you, and in fostering a social bond with you

I think there's a tendancy among those of us for whom Small Talk is not a native language to get stuck at the realisation that we aren't as interesting as we thought, and Janice in marketing doesn't sit there with bated breath waiting for us to come in on a Monday morning so she can hear about the pizza we had for dinner on Saturday night. It kinda hurts, and feels like everyone around is disingenuous, and just pretending to care about us when they don't.

For me, it took me a long time to realise and properly internalise the idea that small talk isn't pointless noise, just because it doesn't mean what it says on the tin. People are interested in you! Just maybe not in the exact ways you thought. They're probably just as interested in you as you are in them, and this is their way of extending an invitation to connection.

That was going to be the whole post, but then my brain did that thing where it connected some dots which probably aren't really dots, and don't connect at all, so take the following musings with a big ol' helping of salt, but...

In autism assessments they ask about trauma. As I understand it, they ask this because autistic and c-ptsd traits overlap so much it can be hard to untangle exactly where those traits are coming from.

I was thinking about this, and I got to seeing a kind of logic to the groups of people for whom 'lovely weather today, isn't it' is a typical social opening gambit, compared to the people for whom 'hey, here's my childhood trauma wrapped up as a funny anecdote' is a more solid introduction.

Maybe, if you're the sort of person who is privileged enough to be able to assume that your basic self will be largely palatable to most people, the relationship model of gradually increasing intimacy makes perfect sense.

If you're someone who can't make that assumption, either because of being part of a marginalised community, or because of trauma, then that simple path towards a relationship becomes a trek into unfamiliar wilderness, where you have no way of knowing at the outset whether the road leads you somewhere beautiful, or around a blind bend and straight off a cliff. You don't want to invest weeks or months talking about weather and weekend plans before you find out that Janice in marketing is actually a white supremacist or terf.

Why does all this matter? Well, maybe it doesn't. But I've been really fucking isolated for a good few years now, because I figured out that people didn't care about my weekend plans, and I got stuck there, and spent my time exclusively interacting with people who matched my internal model of relationship building by starting deep. And don't get me wrong, I built myself some wonderful relationships, but not many.

Recently I've been trying to broaden my horizons, and build bonds with people who aren't exactly like me, and there's so much joy in it, y'all! Sure, it's a bit of extra effort to consciously walk myself through the conversational template of 'question?' 'reasonably brief answer with reciprocal question' etc, but I've met some people I really like, and I'm excited to spend more time with.

And when you're doing these things consciously, you have the option of asking for a map, before plunging into that wilderness. Maybe when they ask about your weekend, the part of your weekend you highlight is one that subtly points at whatever topic you might feel unsafe about, in a non-confrontational way. You saw a drag queen when you waiting for the train. You gave a fiver to the homeless lady outside Morrisons and had a chat about the book she's reading. In a lot of cases, you can weed out the people you really don't want to be cultivating early on.

I don't have a clever and pithy closing statement, so I'll go with awkwardly earnest, instead. A lot of the people I'm building bonds with aren't going to ever become my closest confidantes, but that's okay. We need best friends, but we also need acquaintances. We need whole communities. Sometimes love is lying in bed with someone at 3am discussing your deepest hopes and fears, but sometimes love is also the woman twice your age at the local knit & natter who remembers that you like sugar in your coffee.

#Ell pontificates #long post #file this under stuff everyone else probably already figured out

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artist-issues · 2 months

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Have you heard "Next Semester" by twenty one pilots yet? I feel like you'd love it.

I don't know if I've ever talked about me and Twenty One Pilots here. I gave my life to Christ in the summer of 2011 and heard a song by Tyler Joseph for the first time the same week. I didn't connect that the passionately screaming singer who made me think about how I couldn't force my emotions to line up with the reality of God, and needed Jesus to do that for me--I didn't connect that that singer was the same guy in the popular emo band until they became popular around 2015. And then I was thrilled. Because around that time I was fighting to submit my own dark thoughts to God, instead of identifying with them, so it really helped that the voice I already knew pretty well was singing those thought-provoking tracks that have made them famous. Then a year later I figured out what I wanted to do with my career, and how that connected back to God, and the first seeds of my whole understanding of storytelling and God as the Storyteller were planted--largely because of a song called "The Producer" which Tyler Joseph helped to write with Travis Whittaker.

So suffice to say, when the band that's been playing the background music of my life's biggest steps in faith makes anything new, you can be pretty sure I'm over here like 👀

I love Next Semester. It's hard, because with Twenty One Pilots, I notice my own commitment to truth and intended meaning and critical thinking at its strongest and its weakest at the same time 😅 Strongest, because you can tell he's so intentional with his lyrics and metaphors, and is communicating some things that he means so well—but weakest, because I'm constantly hoping that he's talking more about Christ and Biblical truth than he probably is. I'm always waffling between fear that Tyler Joseph is deconstructing, resentment that someone so blessed with creativity & hard work-ethic can refuse to come out and talk about the faith that saved him clearly, and...sometimes agreeing with him? Sometimes feeling like, he has a point, the way he creates and is careful to make his audience think for themselves can only lead back to Truth, which is Christ, if they're being as genuine as he is in the emotional content of the songs, and having them think for themselves makes them drop their guards and walk toward truth without "turning them off" by using culturally-Christian phrases—

ANYWAY. You didn't ask about any of that 😅 But the principals of what Twenty One Pilots does, (in terms of the art of communication and what that communication should be for) and why they do it, and what the right and wrong way to do it is, are something my brain is revolving all the time.

It's not really a good thing to keep revolving it, because at some point it's me trying to think exactly right about the whole topic, as if I can control what they do, or the outcome of what I create, if I just get it right. And that's not faith. At some point I have to quit trying so hard to think and do based on my own control! Welcome to you asking a simple question and me word vomiting/getting all preachy. (But lowkey I respect you and think you might appreciate what I'm rambling about, if anyone can. So maybe unluckily for you, you're probably the only person who could've asked me about this on here and gotten this kind of response 😅)

ANYWAY! Next Semester! I love that it's simple so that the emotion of it comes through. There's not metaphor-on-metaphor layering, so you're just left to hang on to his desperate vocals and the gut-check words of the song. I don't listen to it over and over like I do Overcompensate because it takes me to kind of a dark place—but I do love that it ends hopefully. Super hopefully. I started that paragraph above, talking about how twenty one pilots affects my critical thinking, to say this: I'm always having to be careful not to read too much of what I want to hear into the song. But that said, I do think the "person driving" in the song is representative of God. Someone outside yourself, giving you that slap of truth and hope and a fresh-start, who also could've run you down.

So I love that it ends hopefully. For a bit there, with Trench, I started to loosen my grip on them, because it felt like they would do a really good job of saying "We're broken, think about it, see how messed up we are?" And then "but we don't have to stay here," and that was really good. But...then Leave the City seems so obviously to stop at "don't stop." If that makes sense. Leave the City makes it sound like the way out of your depression, doubt, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety is just...movement. It's enough to know that you shouldn't sit in your dark thoughts (and basically sin.) But he won't say where to go instead. And I know it's because he's very genuine, and he doesn't want to say where to go instead if he doesn't know for sure that it's right, but that's not exactly reassuring.

It makes me think of the part in C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce, where one ghost says something about how "the hopeful journey is much better than the destination." But then the redeemed person is like, "no, that makes no sense—there's no hope IN a journey if you're not moving toward a set destination. The destination is where hope comes from."

So in Leave the City I feel like he takes me by the hand and says "I know how you feel" and "eventually we'll move on from this feeling" but then leaves me at "not that I know where we're going." And it's like, okay, well then why would I ever get hope from moving on? If I don't know what I'm moving on to??

Christ. It's supposed to be Jesus Christ. You can't jump from a sinking ship into a raging ocean and think that that's better. You have to jump from a sinking ship ONTO DRY LAND. Or at least have it in sight, so you can swim in that direction.

Anyway. Next Semester is not like Leave the City, because it ends with hope. 🙃 That's all I'm trying to say. Thanks for coming to my rant.

#Twenty one pilots #Nobody asked this #asked #answered #tøp #I guess I should expect some lash-back from dedicated clikkies #but like #guys I've known Mr. Joseph since before ya'll called yourselves that #my feelings about what he says and how he says it are way too deep-rooted for you to be able to tear them up with your rage #clique #why not #music #critical thinking #Christianity #storytelling #art #next semester #Clancy

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reidiriri · 3 months

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UNCERTAINTY OF MY FUTURE PATH

I once asked myself if I really do have a future. If there is one, what will it looks like? What and where am I destined for? What is my life goal? What do I want for myself, aside from just doing things for my family? Ano nga ba talaga? When will I genuinely be happy? You might say, "Our goal in this world is to serve and enjoy life," but for me, it's not that simple. As I write this article, I want to remind you that it's rated SPG-18, so Strong Parental Guidance is advised. Okay, enough with the corny stuff, let's continue.

Since I was a kid, people have always asked me what I want to be when I grow up (my future), and until now, I will always avoid that question. I sometimes envy those pips who doesn't hesitate to answer that question, which I really can't provide even a single sentence as an answer. So, I always end up saying I want what my parents want for me, which is teaching. At first, I did love teaching, but as I got older, I lost interest on it, especially when there were other things I wanted to do. But the problem is, all of those interests are temporary "panandalian lamang". For example, now that I'm about to enter college, I want to pursue a Bachelor of Science in Accountancy (BSA), but later on, if there's even a slight conflict with the subjects related to that course, my interest shifts elsewhere, which is frustrating to the point that it makes me cry. I often wonder if my life has really its purpose? Or am I going to die early so I'm always uncertain of everything I do? It's also tiring and scary not knowing which path to take. There's so many "what ifs," and thinking about them terrifies me, that feeling of being afraid to take regrets or there's something that I can't pinpoint. So, I've decided to just go with the flow, but until when? How long will I be like this? What if it's too late if one day I finally figure out what I want to do?

I remember all the tough times I've had. There were struggles with my family, school, and self-problem. Sometimes, it felt like I couldn't get over these problems. But I've learned a lot about life from dealing with them. Being the eldest, I had to handle a lot of responsibilities. Trying to balance these with schoolwork was hard. I felt like I always on edge.

While I'm growing up, I always felt like there was a lot of pressure on me. It seemed like everyone had big hopes and dreams for me. As a eldest daughter, I felt the weight of my parents' expectations for my success. And as a student, I felt like I had to do really well in school all the time. My parents just wanted what was best for me. They worked really hard and made sacrifices to give me opportunities they never had. They always encouraged me to aim high and do my best in everything. But sometimes, trying to meet their expectations felt really tough.

In school, I always felt like I had to be perfect. Grades weren't just about showing how well I did in class; they felt like they showed how good of a person I was. Every test and assignment felt like a big deal, like if I didn't do well, I wasn't good enough. It made me feel really scared of failing, so I kept pushing myself harder and harder. But even with all the pressure, I found comfort in learning. Even when things got tough, there was something really satisfying about understanding a hard topic or doing well on a test. Those little wins kept me going and reminded me why I loved learning in the first place.

As I got older, I started to realize that a lot of the pressure I felt wasn't just from other people it was also from myself. I started to believe that my value as a person was tied to how well I did in school. And that made me put even more pressure on myself. It wasn't until I let go of that idea that I started to feel better. I stopped thinking that my grades defined me and started focusing on just doing my best.

I learned to be proud of my successes and not be too hard on myself when things didn't go perfectly. Looking back now, I see that all that pressure I felt helped shape me into who I am today. It taught me to be strong, to keep going even when things were tough, and to always be true to myself. Even though it was hard at times, I wouldn't change anything about my journey. Because in the end, it was all that pressure that helped me become the best version of myself.

One also of the biggest struggles I faced was not feeling confident of myself. I often doubted if I was good enough and compared myself to others. This lack of confidence stopped me from doing things I loved and reaching my full potential. It took me a while to realize that my worth isn't just about what I achieve, but about who I am as a person.

Another struggle I had was trying to be perfect all the time. I set really high standards for myself and was afraid of making mistakes or being rejected. Trying to be perfect all the time made me feel exhausted and unhappy. I also struggled with doubting myself and being too hard on myself. I often listened to negative thoughts in my head and felt bad about myself because of past mistakes. These thoughts made me feel bad about myself and made it hard for me to go after my dreams. Lastly, I had a hard time figuring out who I really was and where I fit in. I felt lost and confused, not sure if I should follow what others expected of me or what I truly wanted.

Being in a situation like this makes me feel terrible and useless. It's exhausting pretending that all my life goals are settled when in reality, everything is a mess. I always have this doubt in myself and I tried to encourage to trust the process and believe in myself, but that doubt keeps coming back. I am also an academically achiever nd I received awards that I wanted, but you know that feeling of not being contented? Feeling incomplete? Like there's something is missing? Even though my life is fine? And I can't pinpoint what it is, and I'm still hoping to find what's that missing piece 'cause I know that's the only thing that will make me genuinely happy. Well, luckily I found this person in my life who became my confidant in everything. I know she's tired of dealing with my emotions and personal dilemmas, but she still holds me up tight even when I feel completely defeated/really down.

Yes, I proudly can say that I have a complete and happy family. Although, we're not financially stable, but my parents have worked hard to provide us a decent life, something I am truly grateful for. They are only my motivation to work well and strive more towards for a better future. They deserve to experience a life that they have not yet experienced, so as much as possible I will make every effort to take the actions that I believe will help me to accomplish all of those even if there is no certainty.

Throughout this journey, I've faced many ups and downs that shaped who I am today. Lately, I've had some tough times, but I've kept going despite them. Even though I've had recent challenges, I won't let them stop me. I see them as chances to learn and get stronger. Whether it's dealing with setbacks or believing in myself, I've learned to embrace the journey. Each twist and turn brings me closer to success. Looking ahead, I feel more determined than ever. I've learned a lot and become more resilient. I know I can handle whatever comes my way. Every day, I'm reminded that perseverance, flexibility, and positivity are key to reaching my goals.

Even when things got tough, I never gave up on trying to improve myself. Instead of getting stuck on past mistakes, I looked ahead and kept pushing forward. With a positive attitude and determination, I found ways to overcome obstacles and keep working towards my goals. Whether it's dealing with setbacks or doubting myself, I've learned to embrace the journey and keep moving forward, knowing that each challenge brings me closer to success.

#hopingandmoving

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thesinglesjukebox · 5 months

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IZZY HELTAI - "25"

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From Thomas, a country-adjacent trans singer-songwriter reflecting on his quarterlife...

[6.38]

Thomas Inskeep: Heltai's a trans male folk-adjacent singer/songwriter in his mid-20s who's been getting better with each release, but "25" is a genuine knockout. The song starts out with him worrying about worrying too much and "try[ing] so hard"; his mom reminds him that he's got plenty of time to do, and figure out, things. It's a sweet and simple, loping, strummy number -- think Jason Mraz if he were actually good. But then the bridge comes along, and OOF: "And if I peaked in high school/Then maybe I wouldn't care/But I was just another queer kid/And I thought that I'd be dead/By the time that I turned 20/Guess I'm pushing all my luck/Living past my life expectancy/'Cause trans kids normally don't get this far." The first time I heard this, I started sobbing; it still nails me in the gut and the heart. As someone who was a queer kid in high school who thought (and often hoped) I'd be dead, let alone who realized in my early 50s that my gender identity is neither what the world nor I had perceived it to be, I feel these lines acutely. And Heltai's singing style is so laconic that the lyrics creep up on you. He's not overly emoting, just being very "this is my truth" about it, which makes the impact that much harder. He's one of our best right now, and this is without question my single of the year. [10]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: Oh no! I think this song is sweet and meaningful and a beautifully honest rendering of trans and queer young adulthood but I also think it sounds like Mac DeMarco! Diversity win? [6]

Will Adams: There's an earnestness that elevates "25" above the more cynical spate of mental health pop songs we saw in the late '10s, and a warm pop-rock arrangement is always welcome. But I'm 31 now; while I still struggle with how to just live in this world -- we all do -- I've aged out of this particular mode of struggle, which verges on the naive. All I can do is take comfort in its existence; what "Vermillion" was for me at a point in my life, "25" will be for someone out there. [6]

Oliver Maier: I tried for a moment to think of what genre you would call this, but truth be told it just sounds like Spotify to me. It's Vibe-core. Soulful but not effortful indie rock-lite that's always home by curfew. I feels like it's everywhere, but I couldn't name another song that does it because they all feel so disposable (probably something by Rex Orange County; if not patient zero, he's surely a super-spreader). And Izzy is trying to sing about something of enormous importance on the bridge here! Why do this topic such a disservice with such nothing music and self-infantilising lyrics? The way he punctuates the god-forsaken therapist line with a seltzer spray of guitar noise (wake up!!! Mental health is happening!!!) makes me groan. 25 is not too old to have a little more imagination. It's too old to be singing like that, though. [1]

Vikram Joseph: A neat way to recalibrate yourself in time is to remember all the things you worried you might be too old to do 5 years ago, and then to think about how young your 5-years-ago self seems to you now, and then to think about how young your current self will seem to you in 5 years time. Izzy Heltai talks himself round in a similar way on "25", a sweet and wholesome (if slightly unadventurous) bit of country-pop. It's all lolloping guitar and creaky synth, gentle and comforting, at least until Heltai reminds us that "trans kids normally don't get this far." [6]

Ian Mathers: It'd be real easy for me, a cishet white dude who remembers 25 and also remembers not having a lot of 'real' problems at 25, to shrug off this guy worrying that he hasn't done enough at that age. But even if things didn't feel different in general in 2023 (and they do!), Heltai takes time in this sweet and charming song to make explicit why my demographic peers should maybe shut up and think about it a bit: "Guess I'm pushing all my luck/Living past my life expectancy/'Cause trans kids normally don't get this far." It can take a lot to actually feel like you've still got time. "25" is lovely because it feels like, even if just recently, Heltai knows he does. [7]

Hannah Jocelyn: "Why do I try so hard?" I'm working four jobs, and it's not enough; I'm lucky to have a supportive family and supportive friends, I'm lucky in so many ways. I have people telling me I'll get there someday, but it's a ticking clock, isn't it? We know where the country's going; who knows how much time we have left regardless of age. On the bridge of the year, Izzy Heltai says: "Guess I'm pushing all my luck/Living past my life expectancy/'Cause trans kids normally don't get this far/That's why I try so hard." I wasn't sure I'd get this far, either; my egg cracked at 17, and it took the world ending at 22 for me to pursue transition. Sure, I had the privilege of passing as a cis guy, but ask anyone who really knew me and it did not outweigh the suffering I felt. Even now, I have trouble thinking about a five-year plan because I don't know what life will look like for people like me and Izzy in the future. So I find the purposeful naivety of this song affecting; we're going to keep on going anyway and inspiring one another, fuck you. "25" isn't a masterpiece; the production is pristine but uninspired adult alternative (give or take some distorted guitars and a pretty chorused bit at the end), and the pacing of the song is too slow even if the bridge pays it off beautifully. But it doesn't need to be a colossal achievement. We're just trying to live. [8]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: The perfect soundtrack to an award-winning, coming-of-age tearjerker premiering at Sundance. [2]

Katherine St Asaph: His heart is in the right place, and his guitars eventually get there. "25" is self-released, so I'm sure this is exactly the sound he wants to make. But as the Mandy, Indiana single demonstrated, it's possible to have both a message and an instrumental that doesn't sound like James Blunt. [3]

Taylor Alatorre: At first this comes across as a less knotty and warbled take on Pinegrove's emo-Americana fusion, though the unaffectedness of the writing tells me Heltai likely arrived at this synthesis independently. Then that classic alt-rock crunch drops in, with a tone that says "hey, I don't usually use guitars like this in my music, so you'd better listen up." It's a good way to mirror the shifting worries and impulses depicted in the lyrics, without veering too far away from one particular headspace in one particular moment. Unlike the most famous emo-adjacent song about being 25 and aimless, the mood here is more reflective than exhortatory, with an unhurried pace that matches the implied conversational tone between Heltai and his mother. [7]

Brad Shoup: The plain-spoken nature of this--the genial self-deprecation, the way he names his fears with a shrug, the reminder to get some sleep--gets me thinking about those fantastic queer compilations that the Folkways label put together in the '70s and '80s. They're insular and open: a window to warm and messy worlds I will never truly know, but were everything to the musicians and their communities. It makes sense that the trickster coffeeshop-folk would be replaced with drawling adult alternative, and it's touching that Heltai sees the anthemic in such a straightforward text. I hope he's singing this for decades. [7]

Wayne Weizhen Zhang: "25" comes from that feeling where you look around at everyone else enjoying a pleasant day and wonder if you're the only one gripped with anxiety inside about things you've put off or forgotten to do. It comes from that feeling where even after you've done the work of rejecting toxic stress and begun defining success your own way, you still feel self-conscious about your life decisions; where you feel genuinely happy for your peers upon learning about their accomplishments, but secretly and ashamedly wonder how they've all managed to reach their full potential, while your own dreams feel like a perpetual work-in-progress. It's a feeling that one day you realized your other queer friends had too, each of you gripped with the pressure of proving your own happiness and worth in a society that denied your very existence. When Izzy Heltai sings, it feels like he's one of those friends, reminding you that you're not alone. Set to an ambling beat, each confessional is accompanied by the crescendo of a lazy guitar. I hear serious healing and self-care in his voice, even as he conversationally shares interventions from his mom and therapist or casually mentions being a trans kid who didn't think he'd make it to adulthood. I turned 27 last month, officially entering into the late 20s. As an adult, I often experience happiness and community my younger self couldn't have even imagined. But on my worst days, I still feel like I'm constantly chasing a future version of myself--and I'm exhausted by that chase, and scared that I'll never stop feeling that way. I'm also a high school teacher who runs a GSA, seeing the cycles of how young queer kids mask their insecurities by pushing themselves to be the best, setting themselves up for standards they'll later need to unlearn. I want them to hear this song and o know that they're enough the way that they are and they don't have to try so hard--and I want to believe those messages for myself. The most powerful message of "25" is about extending ourselves grace. We will never run out of time to become who we truly want. [10]

Nortey Dowuona: We both got a lot of time left. [10]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox ]

#izzy heltai #music #country music #music writing #music reviews #music criticism #the singles jukebox #Youtube

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crapcafe · 3 months

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hearing people talking about cooking is always such an interesting topic and i'm gonna take a min to ramble about it. i learned how to cook (eggs and pasta mostly) as a kid from my mom because she learned to cook at a young age as well and she would also be gone on work trips pretty often. later on in life i worked in restaurant kitchens as a kitchen manager and a line cook. i've even had the displeasure of working alongside new hire line cooks that don't fucking know how to cook but figure that they can still do the job (they could not)

some things just become intuitive so it's hard for me to remember exactly what i needed to focus on learning and what did just come naturally from the start, but a lot of it relates to just general science/chemistry knowledge. denser items will take longer to cook than less dense things (potatoes take forfuckingever but sliced button mushrooms take like a minute or two), high heat makes things cook way faster so liquids will boil off sooner, dense items will sear/burn quicker, and thin/small things will just burn. some professional cooks don't even know this based on the amount of times i've had to talk coworkers out of turning the fryer temp higher because things were taking a long time to cook (this is a great way to get a nice crispy skin on some shit that's still frozen in the middle)

there's a lot of learning how to read recipes. abbreviations (sometimes tablespoon is T or tb or TBSP or Tbs), how to adjust amounts if you need more or less of something, looking up substitutions for things (if you don't have milk but need to make a cream sauce, using applesauce instead of oil or butter or eggs in some baking recipes, etc). its definitely a skill to know how to read some recipes, and coming in with your own knowledge is great, but it's another instance of "you need to learn the rules to know how to break them." this is how you get the screenshots of ppl substituting kale in their banana cookie recipes and then wondering why they suck

thinking of foods in terms of nutritional value can also be helpful. if you have tortilla chips and salsa youre technically getting some vegetables in you. frozen and dried fruits and veggies are still fruits and veggies. rice and beans is grains and protein. miso soup with tofu and spinach is lots of protein and iron. romaine salad with balsamic vin, olive oil, feta, and tomatoes is some vitamins and fats and calcium but without grains and fiber it wont give you too much energy so have some bread or something with it. moving away from processed food will make you feel better. apple slice and peanut butter is my new depression meal bc it makes me feel more alive than shredded cheese from the bag and you can feel like a roman emperor a bit.

if you're just starting out learning how to cook: try to keep it simple with starch + veggie + protein (veggie pasta is a staple classic, roast some stuff and toss it with pasta and garlic and olive oil), find something with just a handful of ingredients that you actually want to eat. the act of cooking can be fun but not everyone thinks its fun, so at least make sure you'll want to eat the final product. if there's any sauces you really like try to keep some on hand. gochujang+soy sauce+sesame oil+sugar+broth can be really good in a stir fry, and basically all of those things will last a long time.

anyway theres a lot of text about cooking. theres a reason i stayed working in kitchens for almost 5 years despite how shit working in kitchens is. i like food and cooking. its one of the few things humans have been doing for a bajillion years and its necessary to live a healthy life and if you can find some fun and peace in the process then thats even better. theres no shame in not knowing how to cook but there is shame in refusing to try and learn imo

insert senshi page about eating well and exercising regularly to live a healthy life

#personal #i cant remember the last time i made a text post on here

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docholligay · 2 years

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How was watching video essays? Also what ones did you watch?

I keep forgetting to answer this!

So, I am not a video essay person. Trapped on a plane is usually what gets me to watch things, because I ALWAYS drill through the book I brought, and I rarely have two in my carryon because I'm stupid. @relevantbunny has known me for...ever, and so when she made me a playlist of video essays to download, she was the one person I trusted enough to give several hours of my time on this, which should tell you in what high esteem I hold her.

So I watched many! This actually helped me figure out WHY I am not a video essay person! Which I find valuable, I like knowing what my deal is.

Thing one is extremely simple: I have a lot of trouble paying attention to a video and would rather read an article. This meeting could have been an email. I could already be fucking done with this.

Thing two is more about my discomfort with the move to video over writing as a whole, and I managed to figure it out: Even in the world of analysis, everything has to be as slickly produced as a movie. People need to be attractive--poor Ellis is fucking made up for the gods in her videos--and they need to have pleasant voices. You need expensive equipment, time to not only write out these thoughts, but also to multi-jump cut edit your video, and make sure to add "natural" advertising so it can't be skipped. I do not care for it as a move. Lots of people, lots of SMART FUCKING PEOPLE, are going to be left out because word processing is easy, video editing is hard, and they aren't good looking, or don't have a nice voice.

ANYWAY THE VIDEOS THEMSELVES. I won't talk about all of them, there were a lot, just the ones that really stuck with me for one reason or another

Kondo Culture: Fall of the House of Stuff I actually really liked this one. I was annoyed and baffled by the blowback to Marie Kondo being like, "Fuck man do you even like this thing? Or are you just keeping it because?" (polite though) I appreciate so much how this video goes into the idea of performance as reality, and how our stuff helps us perform as the person we want to show ourselves being, and SPECIFICALLY goes into people's ridiculous-ass hoarder bullshit with books, because reading is about status, and performing as a reader even if you not read is important to people. This is how people who read 3 books a year end up with huge bookshelves in big public rooms, because it's about PERFORMING as a reader. Great video.

Tomatoes: Or, how Not to talk about Art: This put its finger on something I've been struggling to articulate for a long time! I don't know that I agree, more than this video itself, with every argument that could be made FROM it, but it's a really thoughtful and pretty brief discussion about art, and games, and things we struggle to define. The last 1:30 especially, I loved, though I wish we could have springboard into: "What we mean when we talk about 'good'" which is a whole discussion in which I am very very interested.

Control, Anatomy, and the Legacy of the Haunted House: Friend needs to be more versed in horror before trying to attack a topic like this WHOO. I'm not even saying "I disagree categorically with everything he says" I just kept going, "OKay but what about--and what do you think about the subversion of that in--" etc etc etc but he just doesn't have the even what I would consider classic base for this conversation. It mostly, I think, was a video made to tell the world, "I fucking loved Anatomy and y'all should play it" and you know what? I am not a video game person, and I kinda want to play it. So, success on that front.

NUance in Kpop: The good, the bad, and the problematic: I don't know anything about Kpop. It's not for me. I've listened to a little bit of it, and it's just not a style I'm into. BUt I know it's a HUGE fucking thing for people, and so this video was a really good overall for a cliff notes of the various issues within kpop and the fandom, and also a really fantastic conversation about...how we're allowed to like things that are kinda..shitty? Which I wish was more of a fucking conversation JESUS.

The Revisionist World of Disney: Mary Poppins, Walt Disney, and Saving Mr. Banks: I had no idea why Bunny picked this for me, as I’m not really a Disney adult wrought large, and I don’t care all that much about Mary Poppins, but in a lot of ways the video is about personal historical revisionism and stories and why we make stories the way we do. It was interesting!

The Green Knight: The Uncanny Horror of Masculinity: OKay so full disclosure I think about the Green Knight all the fucking time. It’s one of my favorite movies in a very particular way where I don’t necessarily find it ENJOYABLE, but discussing it in a literary way is one of my favorite things. It’s one of the few movies I’ve ever seen that made me feel the way a good book does. So, let’s go into this discussion with that knowledge.

I think arguing what the Green Knight is ABOUT is good sport, but ultimately not ANSWERABLE. That’s part of what I like about it. So I’m going to say he’s wrong a lot, but also, maybe not.

It is HILARIOUS to me that I can enjoy watching a video so much, and disagree with so much of it, and be so frustrated that I can’t enter into conversation about it. I think Nathan is dead-ass wrong in so much of this fucking video about what The Green Knight symbolizes, he cares way too fucking much about what happens to Gawain at the end, missing the forest for the trees, and somehow never manages to bring up so so many fucking things that the movie is about, or brings in. It’s such a shallow treatment of the film even if I think its an interesting premise for the video. I’d have to watch more of his videos (And unless I’m on a plane, I likely won’t) in order to be like “Is this a HIM thing, or a this VIDEO thing?” We all sometimes whiff it.

I love the idea that its shot like a horror movie, and, I think he goes into a really meaningful and interesting conversation about the performance of masculinity, though I think he misses a few opportunities here and I disagree vehemently that “Unless you’re trans you’ve probably never thought about this” but I think that’s my perspective as being a part of butch-femme culture and community, where how I perform femininity is very intentional and thoughtful. I agree that a lot of people don’t really think about how they perform gender. So maybe I’m actually just being nitpicky there, fair enough.

But ultimately, and, I don’t know if it’s that his knowledge with the base of Arthurian mythos was probably gleaned from other videos on youtube, but he still tries to bring it in (and I would argue you CAN separate a lot of it from) or if it’s just, he gets really married to what he thought the movie was going to be--in full fairness he does mention that its bad form for a critic to editorialize like he does, and we all do it--and so its hard for him to look at what else it could be about, or what. But I just so wholly disagree with maybe like, the entire back half of the video ahaha.

But I loved it! I loved the whole experience of it.

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onewomancitadel · 1 year

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To be honest, I do wonder about the irony tied to the redemption arc/sympathetic villain discourse in that it's a hotly contentious topic and people get very mad over it. Because as much as I reject the notion that storytelling is confluent with real life, it is funny arguing with people about having sympathy for the wrong sorts of people when I take narrative as well as - at times - moral umbrage with them and I worry about where they come from. They are not my 'enemy', but they certainly want to frame it that way sometimes.

But then on the other hand at every level in society you already have an unwillingness to confront evil and a willingness to decide that because the good guys are the good guys they never do anything bad, and if they do bad stuff you can just excuse it and forget about it. I understand the frustration surrounding the idea of 'forgiveness' because so often you're told to forgive people who never even confront or change anything they've done, so of course you view redemption (a related idea) as a charade, which is why I don't mark down 'that' crowd as being totally filled with bad actors.

I don't even know if if it's that psychologically complex all the time, though. Bad guys are bad guys and we know this and good guys are the good guys, it's basic fact - whether it's real life or storytelling. This is a different hypocrisy of the narrative cynicism crowd: they reify rudimentary storytelling roles, with no interrogation, no engagement. They are contrarian in aesthetics only, not substance.

I think it's an interesting topic because it does get wildly - I want to say meta - at times. Like, am I failing to understand and empathise with these people? It's why I do try hard and why I'm actually much more reserved in my ask responses than I think my worst instincts would allow me to be, because on some level, yes, I do think that there is parity between these ideas. I like to think that the things you do matter, and that includes the way you think about things and the way art/media/literature touches you, but not nearly to the (frankly absurd and narrow) degree that gets put forward online, and certainly not to the degree that we can't think about the bigger picture and actual praxis.

Except it's not always, really, about sympathising with the bad guys, right?

At the end of the day it comes down to online politicking - nay - something even simpler than that, simple schoolground bullshit. Lazy interpretation, also, perhaps chiefly. Refusing to the meet the text on its level. Refusing to look deeper. Writing off the whole point of storytelling - response and engagement - distilling it down to the most cynical, vacuous thing of self-insert fantasy and/or smashing toy figures together.

The reason this is so apparent with redemption arcs, naughty villains, and its adjacent topics of mischief is because I think it's most obvious where the self-insert and the toy figures smashing breaks down. It requires you to think a little harder about who the bad guy is and why they're the bad guy, and why the hero is good in the first place. It's easy to be inflammatory about 'liking the bad guy' - you must be a sicko in real life - you're an apologist - you're a fetishist - you're just a stupid girl. Easy to get riled up about. Everybody loves inflammatory shit now. That's how you sell headlines.

As I've been writing this post my thesis has evolved away from 'maybe there is genuinely something in trying to find middleground because I think that's important, narratively' to recognising where maybe it isn't possible to find middleground sometimes - and I don't like that, of course, particularly when it's just things out of your control (I mean, isn't the fantasy of redemption rooted in the idea that you can change and it's not out of your control?) and sometimes you, yourself, cannot teach someone reading comprehension. Even on a basic level - much to the narrative cynic's dismay - communication isn't input-output and you can't talk at someone until they finally listen. It doesn't work like that. Which is the great irony! Because the value of 'listening' to the villain is more than just heeding their dialogue and more than just making a hero listen and talk, lol. (Then again, you tend to have to look deeper past the surface-level meaning of their dialogue anyway).

I think there's also that ever-complicating factor that online isn't real life. I've never faced the stuff online I do talking to real people. A lot of people forget that their online interlocutors are real people and that is its own irony when people are trying to say villains cause 'real harm' whilst they themselves do so in the process. So I suppose the reason I want to cultivate my own self-awareness is because I don't want to be that person.

#redemption arcs #narrative cynicism #stirring the pot

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pageofheartdj · 1 year

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Wowie, that sounds like quite the self discovery journey, it sucks that so many people struggle so much. I wish you were allowed to just be you without feeling those pressures when you were figuring things out. Hopefully you're doing okay now?

For me and my aroace journey was a ton more simple. I just, never figured out at what age I was supposed to develop a crush or whatever. The only time I ever questioned myself was if someone told me they had a crush on me, and that was more because I felt hurt that people would pretend to be my friend just because they had a crush on me and didn't actually like me. If I told them I didn't like them like that I'd lose my only current friend(s) which always sucked :/

(I had no friends in school really, so that probably impacts me more. I gave up trying to get along with peeps because I just dont understand their social cues or why neurotypical conversations can be boring at times. Why talk about what someone did if you could talk about dinosaurs or how there's enough different types of apples that you could eat a unique one every day for a year and not eat all the types of apples?)

So really I never realized I should have those feelings so I never questioned why I didn't. I did sometimes judge other people for having them because I didn't understand that it wasn't a choice. Sometimes in high school someone would ask me for relationship advice because I gave them a logical answer, and I was really really confused why people would act or do dumb-ish things just because of how someone looked?? Idk tbh

Gender wise my parents gave up caring, and everyone thought I was gay growing up so they thought I was just being gay?? I guess?? My parents were also neglectful though so it was also that they didn't bother explaining gender roles and let me do whatever as long as I was alone.

Similar to being aroace I never realized I was supposed to feel connected to gender. Eventually I came out after puberty and I say I'm trans masc people my gender (or really, lack of gender) doesn't make sense to people. Gender wise I'm not a girl and until puberty when the definition of girl changed for me, I never cared what people called me.

Being (maybe??) autistic probably really feuls this because I struggle picking up and learning social cues, so when people tried to teach me societal things I was too busy doing other things or didn't realize I should be internalizing it. Like i never thought about being in a relationship and even now that i now am an adult technically i still dont care. I like collecting funfacts more than that stuff, so it never registered as a thing to think about lol

Anyways thanks for explaining it from your experiences, it's really interesting learning what it's like for other people!! Have a lovely day!

Thank you! And yeah I am mostly content now. I know who I am and what I need. It's not perfect. We are never done changing and figuring ourself out. I still struggle a bit with society's set that you can be happy only if you have someone, you must be good at socialising otherwise you are a failed human. While every piece in me goes against it. I don't want any relationship, I don't want family, I don't want children. I struggle at making and keeping friends because my brain works in a way that makes it too hard. So it's hard to remember that I am not a failure just because I am not as connected with people and this is not a measure of my worth. I don't own the world to be a factory toy, the same as everyone else.

Ugh yeah this sucks!! I know people can't help their feelings, but still it doesn't feel nice to have these expectations! (also double yes! why should i care what someone did or their little life stories? this is boooring, do people really care about this stuff? i put an effort to care for a friend, but everyone dumps their stories on me! i can be interested talking about specific topics or work. but when its just. life. why is it my business??)

Also 🤝 for giving love advices xD We are not clouded by feelings so we can analyse this stuff from the side while never being in the relationship in the first place xD And it's hard to understand how people can be irrational because of their feelings!(even though it makes sense. it's like how anxiety can make us irrational. but still feels weird cause these are bad things in bad condition. while they have this bad thing in something good xD)

I am sorry your parents were neglectful! But at least you weren't pressured into roles, so at least there is some saving grace?

I thought I might be agender because I never cared about gender. I like being a bit femminine in a light pretty way, but also neutral/male style also worked for me. But then I was told that not caring for your gender is a cis thing?? I don't know, I feel like I am more like gnc in a passive 'I don't actually care and I wish it didn't exist' way xD

I've read somewhere that if you are queer there is a high chance of being ND and vice versa. Maybe it's not true, but it certantly feels that way xD Maybe because of hetero/allo normativeness of the society, that our brain from the start tells us 'we dont get social norms and we wont' XD

Your experience was also interesting to read! I love talking all about it!! Have a nice day too!❤

#aroace #asexuality

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marvelseries19 · 2 years

Text

WE THINK SHE NEEDS HELP

Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x reader

Genre: Angst

Summary: Natasha's sister and her girlfriend come to visit and it does help to take your mind off of things for a wile. Then the next day you tried talking to Wanda again after an interesting call. It did not go as smooth as you would have liked. (I'll get better at this, I promise)

A/N: I know it takes me some time to write this, but it's not something easy to write about and I've been trying to do some research on it. I'm still new to writing this things and in general, so I'm still not sure how good this chapters are, but I do hope you like them. Any comments, suggestion or request to see something within this story are always welcomed. Likes and comments in general are appreciated too. Also, please read the warnings. The credits to my friend here @inluvwithfictionalwomen , this history wouldn't be here without her. Also, this was not proofread. Enjoy 💕

Warnings: Abusive relationship, fighting. This story contains mature themes so it's for +18. MINORS DNI. (If you find something else, let me know.)

Word count: 2.1k+

[You do not have permission to repost or translate any of my stories or claim them as yours]

The drive home was silent. Natasha didn't want to push anything knowing that it was a tough topic and if she was being honest, she didn't know how to feel either. It was a very tough situation. While you and her knew that Wanda needed it to get out, they also knew that it wasn't that simple. If she didn't admit it to herself first, it was going to be hard for her to ask for help.

You were so entranced in your own world trying to figure out how you felt about everything that you failed to notice when Natasha pulled up the car on your garage entrance. She had to gently shake your arm to tell you that you were at home already.

You felt so numb that Natasha had to guide you inside the house. She told you to take a shower and gather your thoughts. You listened to her since you weren't really in the mood to make decisions on your own. You were a mess, confused, angry. The situation was messed up and if you felt like that, you couldn't even imagine how Wanda felt.

You've never went through anything close to that and this was taking its toll on you. How were you supposed to help her if she didn't even know she needed it?

You finished your shower after who knows how long, your time perception since the fight was all over the place. You got dressed in some sweatpants and a hoodie from your college. It was the first thing you found.

When you walked to the living room, Natasha had food on the table. Now, she couldn't cook to save her life, so it was safe to assume that she had it delivered. It was Chinese, your favorite. You didn't know what you would do without her nor how to handle this whole thing alone. You were a mess as it is, imagine if she wasn't there for you.

Before you ate, you let Natasha take a shower too. You might not be a hundred percent aware of everything, but you knew she was affected too. How can she not be? Wanda is a colleague, and they might not be close, but she was still worried. Besides, she could see how affected you were, and she was worried about you too.

That's why while she was taking her shower, she found a way to cheer you up a little, at least enough for you to take a break and regroup to find a way to help Wanda.

She borrowed some of your clothes and went to seat next to you on the couch. "Guess who came to visit?" She was excited and you instantly knew who it was.

"I don't know… a blond about…" You signal someone’s height with your hand. "This tall?"

"You could have just said Yelena, you know?" Natasha said faking annoyance, with a smile. "She came to visit me with her new girlfriend"

"Are they staying in your place?" You both started eating.

"What gave it away?"

"You are here with no intention of going back to your apartment" She laughed, she knew you better than yourself and you knew her too. It's not that she didn't want to be with her sister, it's just that she wasn't ready to be alone with her and her girlfriend. She also didn’t want to leave alone.

"Listen, I don't really want to be alone with them, so..."

"You can invite them… but I'm not sharing my food" That was all Natasha needed to hear to call Yelena and invite her to your house.

An hour later after you had successfully cleaned the mess you left on your coffee table; you heard a soft knock on your door. You hadn't even opened the door completely and a blond had thrown herself onto your arms. "I missed you Y/N" She talked on your neck.

"I missed you too Lena" You tighten your hug a little before you lift your eyes to the brunette that was accompanying the blond. "And who is this?"

Yelena let go of the hug to look up at her girlfriend, the smile on her face showed how happy she was. "This is Kate, my girlfriend"

"Well, hello Kate, nice to meet you." You went to offer your hand for a handshake, but she went for a hug. It surprised you, but you reciprocated it. "Okay…" You laughed a little and moved to the side to let them in. "Natasha is in the kitchen making coffee, come on in" You closed the door behind them.

Everyone got settle in the living room with a cup of coffee. The conversation did help you to get your mind of off everything that was happening, of course there was a small part of it that still couldn't let go, but it was better now. It was going to be a quite night at least.

Quite the opposite was happening for Wanda on her house. She had made the small mistake to talk to you, which had her catching some traffic and arriving later than Vision liked. That had triggered him enough to start yelling. Not that he needed to be triggered anyways. Wanda hadn't noticed yet, but there weren't even good days anymore. At first, he would occasionally act violent, but there would be good days were they would watch movies or have dinner at the actual diner table. It wasn't all bad, but lately there were no more days like that. He has been drinking a lot more, the days he was early, he would start drinking at home, and the days he was late, claiming that it was work, although we can all assume what he was doing, or rather who, he would arrive drunk, so those calm days were gone.

The kids were scared for their mom, they could see that she wasn't happy anymore, if she ever was. They didn't doubt that she was happy with them, or that she loved them, that much was clear, but nothing was working like it was supposed to. They always heard their classmates talk about what they did with their fathers and how much they loved them, but they hadn't felt that.

That created a few problems for them. Trust issues was one of them. If they couldn't trust their own father, then in who? They felt safe with a few people, you and Wanda being the only ones.

When Tommy and Billy heard the fight over their mom being a little late, they started talking about asking for help, but who could help them with that? First, they needed an adult, second, it needed to be someone they knew and third, they needed to trust them. That reduced the list to you. They needed to ask for help, they were scared, they couldn't sleep well thinking about Vision hurting their mom anymore. They couldn't keep hearing her cry when she thought everyone was asleep. So, it was an agreement between the two brothers to call you the next day and tell you everything.

The next day arrived, and it was just a little less heavy than the previous one, at least for you. You had accepted that all you could really do was try to be there when she realized what was happening in her home. You knew that any attempt at talking to her would be considered as hostile now, so you decided to let things play out and be there to catch her at the end.

That was until you got an interesting call at least. You were on a free period at the end of the day, and you were grading tests when your phone started ringing. Billy's name popped up in the screen. You answered right away.

"Hi! Billy"

"Y/N, Hi, are you busy?" He sounded worried about something.

"I'm never busy for you and your brother. Why? Is everything okay?"

"I think so. Maybe? It's mom." You heard some noise on the call, so you assumed that you were on speaker. You could only guess what this was about, and it wasn't good.

"Did something happen to her?" You decided to give them the space to speak their minds instead of saying the wrong thing. You might love them as your own, but they were not yours.

"We hear them fight a lot and he is always yelling at her, we're scared Y/N, we think she needs help" That was everything you needed to lose it. Not only he was hurting her but now the twins knew it too and since you know how protective they are over her you could only imagine how bad they felt. What were you supposed to do now? How are you supposed to act when your best friend's kids ask you for help with something like this? You ended up trying to calm them after that, it turned out they knew a lot more than you did, after all you were only guessing based on what you saw on the parking lot the other day and they were right there. Besides, they were 13, not babies anymore, so it was bound to happen. You told them that you would handle it. You really needed to get some of that weight off of their shoulders.

They were just kids; they didn't need this weight on their shoulders and neither did their mom. The love you felt for them has always been something that Natasha has tease you with and as much as you acted annoyed, you weren't, not really and it was that same love that made you want to protect them. And that it's exactly what you would do, whatever it took. If their father and husband wasn't going to love them and protect them like they deserve, you were going to do it. Even if it wasn't in the way that you wanted.

Now that Tommy and Billy knew everything, you really needed to talk to Wanda. You didn't like that she was going through this, but at least her kids didn't have to know, but now that they did, she needed to get out before this went any farther. If what the kids told you was right, he was only steps away of doing something that time wouldn't fix.

You didn't want to wait any longer, so you ran to the parking lot after realizing the hour. It was safe to assume she was there, and you were right. You yelled for her to wait without any hope that she would, she had avoided you the entire day.

"Wanda... I really need to talk to you." You were breathless after running across the school, which draw some attention.

"If this is about Vision again…" She looked tired, exhausted was more accurate.

"You have to see what's happening, your kids do."

"Y/N, what are you talking about" She raised her once tired and calm voice enough to draw even more attention than you running through the halls.

"They know, the call me to ask for help. You need to do it for them" You were well aware that people were watching, and you knew how she felt about yelling.

"Do what exactly? Leave him? He is my husband Y/N!" You wished you knew this going to end up with her yelling, you might have tried doing this somewhere else.

"Yes Wanda, you should. If not for you, for them" Now you were mad and you involuntarily raised your voice too.

"He's not what you say he is!"

"Yes, he is Wanda-"

"Enough!" You both jumped a little at the voice of the principal. You had been so focused in the discussion that neither of you heard her got close. "I don't know what's happening, but this is not the place to yell about it"

"I was just-"

"Miss Y/L/N, that's enough. The day is over, go home, both of you."

You felt like a kid being scolded by the teacher, and here you thought that those days were over. After being almost kicked out by her, you realized that there a lot more people around you than you had thought. Feeling self-conscious enough, Wanda got in her car and drove away. You stood there watching her leave until she took a turn, then you went back to your classroom to get your things.

Some students approached you and asked what was going on and you gently dismissed them, telling them that it was nothing they should worry about and send them on their way. Releasing a long sigh, you got in your car and drove home. Natasha had let you know that Yelena and Kate would pick her up. They invited you, but you were in no mood to go out.

This wasn't looking good, and you only hope you got through to her before something more permanent happened.

Taglist: @siriuslydestiny @ima-gi–na-tion @kacka84 @why-31 @angryraisin @wandanatvoid @bandit2029 @stephaguirre @screechcat @jujuu23 @natsgirl @the-whitewidow @how-to-disappearrr @mymommawanda @lorsstar1st @xxxtwilightaxelxxx @heidithriel @reereeineedtopee

#wanda maximoff #wanda maximoff x reader #wanda maximoff angst #wanda maximoff x reader angst #scarletwitch #scarletwitch x reader #scarletwitch x reader angst #scarletwitch angst #reader insert #wanda maximoff imagine

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husbandhannie · 2 years

Text

sticky notes

how they interact with your post-its

pairing: hip-hop unit (seventeen) x reader

genre: fluff

word count: 500

a/n: i use sticky notes for all sorts of things, so i thought this would be fun!

taglist: @itsveronicaxxx @zurikyo @husbandhoshi

performance unit vocal unit

SCOUPS

you're a rather impulsive and to-the-point post-it note taker. your desk has a lot of notes scattered haphazardly, with not much rhyme or reason. every post-it has stuff that needs to be done: work stuff, assignments from school, calls to family, adult life stuff (bills and all that), and just mundane day-to-day things. every now and then, seungcheol goes through the post-its the best he can, and takes a note of things he can do. the next time he comes over, he's carrying seemingly random objects - a packet of sugar, refills of the shampoo you use, some socks, and your jacket with its zipper repaired (you don't even know when he took it). it gives him some peace of mind to see some notes removed, he feels like he removed some burden from your shoulders.

WONWOO

you've always been interested in just knowing things - especially through documentaries. lucky for you, your boyfriend likes watching documentaries. now the two of you have a tradition of watching documentaries together, taking turns to suggest the next one. you have a habit of writing topics and questions you'd like to know more about ("what is cryptocurrency, exactly?" or "why did this war happen?" or "what kind of creatures are in the deep sea?") on post-its that can be found on your desk. wonwoo discreetly goes through them when he can, and suggests a documentary accordingly when it's his turn, basking in your smile when you say "oh i'm interested in this too! babe we're so similar". he's hoping you don't figure it out anytime soon.

MINGYU

you write things you want to try out on post-its: clothes, food, movies, even hobbies. they're not too fancy or hard to achieve things either, the clothes are simple day-to-day stuff you've never worn, the movies are famous ones you just never watched, and so on. mingyu pays particular attention to the food items, though - trying his best to learn what you want to try (and looking up good places to order from if he fails). more often than not, you're served with one of your noted items on home date nights, making date-night food rather diverse - from vegan burgers, to Ghanaian style turkey tails, to Indian-style spicy corn.

VERNON

almost all post-its on your desk contain lyrics from songs you like. the lyrics range from heart-wrenchingly sad (think all too well by taylor swift) to happy peppy (like boy with luv by bts) to edgy-sultry (think hot by avril lavigne) or simply comforting (think hug by seventeen) - just anything that's in your head at the moment. vernon takes note of them and finds the songs they belong to. he maintains a playlist of songs whose lyrics are on your desk currently, making sure to remove songs as you remove the notes. he plays the (strangely diverse) playlist when you're around - mostly in the car when you're on a drive, and grins when he hears you singing along to your favorite words.

#seventeen #seventeen fluff #seventeen reactions #svt #svt fluff #svt reactions #scoups #scoups fluff #choi seungcheol #wonwoo #jeon wonwoo #wonwoo fluff #mingyu #kim mingyu #mingyu fluff #vernon #vernon fluff #chwe hansol

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enamoured-x · 3 years

Text

Sweet Release | Part 2

Angel Reyes x Reader

Summary: Things don’t go as planned when you attend Ez’s party.

Warnings: NSFW, 18+, Angst

Word count: 4.8k

Excerpt: “Your salvation and your destruction kneeled before you, ready to prove to you how deadly the mix of the two was. Your angel on his knees ready to sin.”

*gif is mine!

a/n: thank you for all the love on this mini series! With that being said there will be a part 3 and it will be the final part! Enjoy! (part 1 can be found here)

Part 2

One long fucking month. Since the day you left Angel at the clubhouse with his come leaking out of you, you had been a wreck. Honestly, you were proud of yourself for holding it together so well when you broke the news to him. Maybe because you knew eventually you’d break. You were a mess. Hating Angel for what he put you through, hating that he led you to walk out on him in the first place. He tried calling every day for the first two weeks and then it simmered down to a call every few days. None of which you answered. For some reason you couldn’t bring yourself to block his number just yet. You still cared for him, still wanted to be able for him to reach out if something was wrong as long as it didn’t pertain to your failed relationship. You didn’t want to talk about how stupid that logic was because you knew keeping his number was because a part of you still wanted it to work.

You played with the idea of maybe. But you couldn’t tell him that because you weren’t sure. You put yourself through all of his shit already and if he was going to do it all over again if you gave him a second chance you’d kill him. It would kill you. With that being said, you were going to let this play out. You knew you were supposed to get over him, knew you made a choice that day to end it with him. But a girl could dream that he’d make some grand gesture to win you back like in the movies, but this wasn’t a movie and Angel definitely wasn’t the romantic male protagonist.

“Angel’s a mess.” You glared at Ez for bringing him up. You ignored his comment and sipped your coffee. You and Ez still kept in close contact over the month, sharing funny videos and checking in, just the usual stuff. Today he invited you to hang out and catch up since you hadn’t seen him since that day and you had agreed, happy to go somewhere that wasn’t work or your home. Happy to see your friend again.

“How’s pops?” You asked, trying to get the topic off Angel. You weren’t here to talk about Angel, he made his bed and now he could lay in it. If you were open to the idea of giving him a second chance, and that was a big if, he would need to do a lot more than having Ez tell you how miserable he’s been. You had been a wreck long before you broke up with him, he deserved to know what it felt like.

Ez sighed and didn’t bring up Angel again, “he’s fine, he sends his best.” You nodded, making it a point to stop by soon and say hi, just because you and Angel broke up didn’t mean you couldn’t be friendly with his family still. They were practically your family.

Ez twiddled with his coffee cup and you sighed.

“Go ahead.” You told him, crossing your arms and leaning back in your chair. The outside seating offered you a breath of fresh air you desperately needed when talking about the one and only Angel Reyes.

He stopped his movements and looked up at you, “what?”

“You obviously either have an opinion on the breakup or you told Angel you were meeting me and he asked you to tell me something for him. Hell, maybe you only asked to hangout with me to deliver a message. Whatever it is, spill it, Reyes.” You knew Ez enough to know when something was on his mind or when he was holding back. This was one of those times. You weren’t exactly mad at him for it but after your grief died out, you were just confused about Angel. You knew you made the right choice at the time but it didn’t mean you still didn’t miss him. It didn’t mean you were over him.

Ez held his hands up, “I swear I just wanted to see you. No secret motive. If Angel wants to work things out with you, he can do it himself, I'm not his messenger.” You sighed. You knew he was telling the truth.

“There’s something you’re not telling me.” He was still holding back. He may not be there for some ulterior motive but there was something.

“You know I’m getting patched in…” He trailed off and you nodded your head. You were excited for him when he told you the news a few weeks ago. Ez had put all his time and effort in the club and he was finally going to become an official member. He deserved it.

“The club is throwing me a party.” He stated and you shook your head.

“No.” He scoffed at your answer and sat up.

“Come on, you have to come. You don’t have to talk to Angel, just stay with me the whole time.” He begged. You groaned at the idea.

“Ez, I don’t know. I don’t think it’s the best idea.” Showing up to the clubhouse just a month after you broke up with Angel and fucked him in the middle of it was probably not the greatest idea.

“Please. You’re my only friend outside of the club, I want you there.” Ez’s brown eyes pleaded with you. You were his only friend and as that friend you owed it to him to show your support, even if it meant having to see your ex again.

You bit your lip and Ez smiled, knowing he had you.

“Fine, but I’ll be glued to your side the whole time you’ll regret asking me to come.” You pointed at him and he laughed.

“This should be fun.”

You should’ve taken that as a warning.

You hated the fact that you were putting effort into what you were wearing to the party. Trying on basically all the clothes in your closet. You figured if you were going to see Angel you had better make it good. Eventually you settled on a simple red summer dress, flowy enough to be innocent but short enough to showcase your legs. You opted for some white sneakers with it, deciding that you were definitely not going to dress up to this thing, Angel or no Angel. Either way, this night wasn’t about him or you, it was Ez’s night and you were going to be there to support him.

Your nerves got the best of you when you pulled into the packed scrapyard, Chucky directed you where to park and you took a deep breath before stepping out. The party was already in full swing, people scattered outside and around the fire, already drinking and having a good time.

“Hey, you made it.” Ez said as he walked up to you as you made your way toward the clubhouse. You had yet to spot Angel and you were thankful for it.

“I told you I would come.” You pulled him into a hug and he wrapped his arm around your shoulder and then led you inside.

“Thought you might back out last minute.” He shrugged. You were about to say something when you saw him. The man who had taken up space in your mind this past month. The man you left after reaching one last high with him. He was laughing at something Coco said, his smile not reaching his eyes. You could tell that what Ez told you had been true, that he was miserable. He looked good, just not all there. Both men were standing against the wall, what stirred jealousy in you was one of the club hang arounds to his left touching his arm. You swallowed hard, you forgot that before you and Angel got together, he was a hot commodity amongst Vicky’s girls. Now that he was off the market, you were sure the women were jumping at the chance to share his bed, they probably already had. Lead filled your stomach once again.

You were about to turn to Ez to take the beer bottle from him when Angel finally looked over and stopped in his tracks. Gone was the smile and in its place was shock. You stared back at him, into those dark brown eyes you loved so much. Seeing him stung more than you cared to admit but you held strong.

“You good?” Ez’s words snapped you out of your trance and you turned to him, finally taking the bottle from his hands.

“You didn’t tell him I was coming?” You asked him as he led you over to take a seat at the bar. He looked guilty.

“If I had he probably would’ve been by the gates waiting for you. Figured this was better.” You couldn’t help but laugh.

“Hermosa, haven’t seen you in a while.” You turned around to face Bishop. A genuine smile lit up your face and you got up to hug him. He graciously accepted, giving you a tight squeeze before letting you go. Bishop was always so kind to you, always so supportive of yours and Angel’s relationship.

“Hey, Bish. How are you?”

“I’m doing good. How are you? Which Reyes brother are you really here for?” He teased you and Ez chuckled. Obviously the club knew about yours and Angel’s split but he still welcomed you with open arms despite it. You were thankful for it.

“Very funny, but I’m here for Ez.” He laughed and placed a kiss on your temple before excusing himself.

“Is he still looking over here?” You asked Ez, bringing the bottle up to your lips and taking a sip of the cold liquid. You welcomed the alcohol as it sat in your stomach.

“Yup and Vicky’s girl does not seem too happy about that.” You felt a sliver of satisfaction run through you. But Angel wasn’t yours, you made that clear. So you had absolutely no right to be jealous, you had no claim over him anymore. At least not in that way but with the way you felt his eyes on your body, you knew you still had some sort of pull over him. He had that same pull over you but tonight was not the night for that.

“Let’s get you drunk, Eziekiel. You deserve it.” You changed the subject. You weren’t going to sit here and talk about Angel who was a few feet from you during Ez’s party. No, you were going to celebrate the man of the hour. Your friend, arguably your best friend. Also arguably your only friend.

“Sounds good to me.”

Ez was a bit tipsy but not nowhere near drunk after many rounds of beers and a few shots. You on the other hand kept it to three beers and then opted for some water, not really one to drink all that much. That didn’t mean that you weren’t having fun though. Coco had eventually came over to talk to you during the night and you were glad none of the men held any animosity towards you. It felt nice to see them again and you could honestly say you were glad you came.

“Six o’clock, mamas.” Coco said and nodded behind you, you were turning around completely ready to see Angel. You were surprised he hadn’t tried to get your attention sooner seeing as how he still tried to contact you weekly. But it wasn’t Angel. The man who now stood in front of you was a stranger, albeit a very handsome stranger who was part of another charter by the patch on his vest. He was tall enough to tower over you, his dark eyes pulling you in. He ran his hand through his raven black hair and smiled at you, even with his facial hair you could still see prominent dimples.

“Hello, sweetheart. I’m Jay. And you are?” He stuck his tattooed hand out for you to take and you took it into your own. Jay was a tall glass of water, honestly a wet dream. Just not yours. But he could be. At least for tonight. A rebound wasn’t a terrible idea but you guessed there had to have been some rule about finding a rebound at the party of your ex boyfriend's brother’s party while he stood just a few feet away. You still introduced yourself nonetheless. You were a bit too distracted to notice Coco and Ez had left you to your own devices.

“So, what brings you to this party?”

“I’m a friend of Ez’s.” You told him. You swore you could still feel Angel’s eyes burning through you, you had felt it since you locked eyes with him. Whether he was giving you your space or he really didn’t want anything to do with you tonight, you didn’t know. But judging by the same girl who was still trying to get his attention, you figured he wanted nothing to do with you tonight if it meant him getting laid.

“Hmm,” he looked you up and down and you shifted under his gaze. You were kidding yourself if you actually thought you’d go through with a rebound. Especially with a Mayan. And you were kidding yourself if you thought a rebound was going to help. As if it was going to magically make your feelings for Angel disappear. As if sleeping with a stranger was going to give you that release you needed again, no, only Angel could do that. You hated it.

“So, this party is dying down, I was thinking maybe you wanna get out of here?” That was extremely forward, all he knew about you was your name. But who were you kidding, guys like him didn’t care, hell, you’d be lucky if he even remembered your name. You were just about to turn him down when he trailed his hand up your thigh skimming just under your dress. Your eyes widened at the gesture and you shoved him off you and backed up.

“Woah, what the fuck.” You hissed quietly, not wanting to make a scene. He laughed.

“Oh, come on. You're not here for Ez, you’re here to get laid.” What the fuck. You were about to tell him off before a hand wrapped around your waist and a warm body pulled you into his side. You didn’t even have to look to know who it was but you looked up anyways. Angel. Your damn angel.

“You touching my girl, homie?” He asked him, ice in his tone. You were surprised the guy wasn’t on the floor already, Angel’s girlfriend or not, he didn’t like people touching you if you weren’t willing. Maybe he knew punching a guys lights out right now was no way to win you back and it was definitely not needed at Ez’s patched-in party.

“Nah, man. Sorry, I didn’t know she was yours.” You scoffed.

“I’m not anyones.” You weren’t going to cause a scene but you hated men like this, men who thought women were just objects. You felt bad for the girl he would somehow convince to go home with him.

“Get fucking lost or we’re gonna have a problem.” Angel told him, fingers tightening on your waist. Your skin ignited at his touch, at him being so close, at his cologne infiltrating your senses once again. It all felt like home. You hated it. The guy held his hands up as he walked away mumbling curses under his breath. Before you could say anything to Angel, he was whispering in your ear.

“We need to talk. Now.” He didn’t give you room to argue as he led you down the hall and into his dorm room, closing the door. You didn’t like this. You didn’t trust yourself to be alone in a room with Angel right now. Give it another month or two then maybe, but right now? When your breakup was still a month fresh? No. It was dangerous. Angel turned to face you and you crossed your arms looking anywhere but at him, not wanting to look into his eyes. Not wanting to lose yourself in him.

“What do you want to talk about?” He laughed bitterly, shaking his head.

“Us. You coming here dressed like that.” He motioned to your dress.

“There’s nothing to talk about, Angel. What’s done is done.” You explained, biting your lip. Seeing him one foot away, eyes locked on you, it was a bit too much. One month was not nearly long enough to get over Angel Reyes. Hell, you didn’t think any amount of time would be sufficient. He was a damn drug, one you couldn’t stay off of.

“So you came here to torture me? Rub it in my face? I fucking miss you and you come to my clubhouse and act like everything’s cool? Act like I didn’t mean shit to you?” He was angry, that was easy to see. But you could tell his tone carried a deep hurt, one he was desperately trying to contain. Your heart ached. You wanted him to hurt, at first. But now seeing him, seeing the desperation and anguish in his eyes? This wasn’t what you wanted. You didn’t like hurting the people you loved, even if they hurt you.

“Angel, that wasn’t my intention. Ez asked me to come and I wanted to support him. I’m not trying to hurt you.” You explained, stepping closer to him. That was also dangerous, you should be on the other side of the room, not a few inches away from him.

“Too fucking late.” He ran his ring cladded fingers through his hair.

“What do you want me to say, Angel? You hurt me, you didn’t make time for me. Our relationship was over long before that day.” It was the truth. You subconsciously knew your relationship was over with Angel before you had officially broken it off. You were just too scared to admit it to yourself, too desperate to hang onto the hope that he’d actually show up for you. But he never did and you knew it was time.

“I know, I fucked up. I know that. But what you did that day… that was cold.” You chewed on your bottom lip. Part of you did feel bad for giving him a false sense of hope that day, using him for your release and then dropping him. But you needed to end the relationship on a high note, end it with a sweet goodbye and not a bitter storm of curses, in the end it was all just bittersweet.

“I just… I needed you, Angel. I had missed you so much and I needed something…” You couldn’t find your words but you knew he knew what you meant, even if that day hurt like a bitch for him. He stepped forward, making a move to grab your arm but you backed up and shook your head.

“Mami, please…” He begged, this time you went still as he grabbed your arm with one hand and cupped your cheek with the other. Your body buzzed to life at his touch, like Angel flipped a switch and you were back on again, like you were just being dragged through life this past month on auto pilot, like he had finally given you the reins back to your body.

“Angel…” You were weak, your wavering voice gave you away. He leaned forward, his lips grazing yours slightly, his warm breath mingling with your own. You felt giddy as he surrounded you, as he invaded everything you were once again. And when he pressed his lips to yours, you melted into it. He licked along your lips and you opened your mouth, tongues sliding against each other. You moaned into it and grabbed onto his vest, trying to steady yourself at this heady feeling he gave you every time his lips were on any part of you. His hand slid to your waist and you had half a mind to snap out of your daze. You pulled away and he craned his neck, trying to chase your lips. You pushed on his chest lightly, wanting him to stop.

“No, Angel, we can’t…” You couldn’t get hurt again. You couldn’t just fall back into him just for him to keep you at home waiting up for him and waiting on his call, and when neither came you’d be right back where you started.

“Querida, I love you… I need you.” He whispered against your cheek. Hearing him say those words only made your heart ache worse and only made you want him more. It was damn confusing. You wanted him but you couldn’t put yourself through that shit again.

You knew what he meant. I need you. He didn’t just need a release, he needed you. Just like that day you broke up with him, you needed him to give you that high but you quite plainly just needed him.

“Fine. Let’s fuck and then go our separate ways.” You said, pulling him in for another kiss, needing the distraction. Not wanting to think about how fucking stupid that offer was, how fucking stupid you were. Sex wasn’t going to do anything but fill your base desire, it wasn’t going to give you back that piece of your heart that was ripped away from you when you left. He didn’t let the kiss go on more than a few seconds, pulling away, confusion and despair written all over his face.

“What?”

“Fuck me, Angel. We need it.” You stated plainly. He shook his head and backed up from you.

“No. I need you.” His words pricked another pain in your heart.

“Then take me.” You offered. You were sure you had lost your damn mind. But you wanted Angel, maybe it wasn’t exactly the way you wanted him but you’d take it.

“Fuck no. That’s not what I want.” You sighed, he wasn’t making this easy. Because it wasn’t what you wanted either. Yeah, you were desperate to feel him inside you again but it’s not truly what you wanted.

“That’s all I can offer.” Your words came out softer than you planned, sadder. He scoffed, running his hand down his face.

“You want a release, mami? I’ll give you one, but you’re not getting my dick. I can’t… I can’t be inside you without wanting to stay there. Can’t give you that if I know you’re just going to leave again.” You weren’t sure what he was offering. But it didn’t matter because he was more upset than he had been just a few moments ago.

“Angel…” You shook your head not knowing what to say. Fuck, if he fucked you right now you wouldn’t want him to go anywhere either. But that wasn’t your reality. The reality was that he fucked up and sex didn’t fix it the first time and it certainly wasn’t going to fix it this time.

“I’ll make you come on my tongue, and then you can walk out that door but you’ll walk out knowing only I can take you to heaven.” You swallowed hard at his words as he crowded your space again. Your breath hitched as he pulled you into his chest, making you look into his eyes.

“I’m not going to stop. Not gonna stop calling, texting, not gonna stop until you give me another chance to prove to you how much I fucking love you. But right now, I’ll give you what you want. Even if it kills me.” And with that he slid to his knees. Your whole world stopped at the confession, at him kneeling before you, ready to worship you in a way only he could. The sight of him on his knees, the rush you felt as he trailed his hands up your bare thighs, it was like no other high you had ever felt. Your salvation and your destruction kneeled before you, ready to prove to you how deadly the mix of the two was. Your angel on his knees ready to sin.

His lips trailed up your thighs and you threw your head back, steadying yourself by placing your hands on his shoulders. His warm breath getting closer to the place you needed him most had your core clenching around nothing, had you squirming, waiting for him.

“Fuck…” You breathed out as he lifted your dress to get his mouth right on the skin above your panties. You bit down hard on your bottom lip as you felt yourself getting wetter at his teasing. His lips skimmed your stomach before he forcefully yanked your panties down, a contrast to his gentle and slow movements. You gasped at the action but before you could react further, he buried his face in your pussy, throwing one of your legs over his shoulder in the process. You yelped at the sudden intensity, at his wet tongue sliding through your folds and flicking against your clit.

“Oh god.” You cried, grabbing onto his hair and grinding yourself into his face. He let you, following your movements, never relenting, never taking his mouth off you. Heaven. He wasn’t wrong, only your angel could take you there.

“Missed your taste. Missed you.” He mumbled against your slick. He said the last part so quietly you almost didn’t hear him, but you did. You heard him and it stung but the pleasure he was also giving you was overpowering your thoughts on his confession.

“Feels so good, Angel.” Your words spurred him on as he trailed his tongue to your hole, fucking you. You whined at the intrusion and rolled your hips and pulled his head in deeper. You were drowning again, or flying, or possibly dying. It felt too good, felt too sweet to be anything but something so fucking dangerous yet so damn exhilarating.

You were so lost in your pleasure you almost didn’t notice the door open, Angel obviously didn’t, head still buried in your pussy. The head that peeked around the door was the same woman who had been trying to fuck Angel all night. Her eyes widened at the sight and you should’ve felt embarrassed, but all you felt was that satisfaction again. Angel was here with you, on his goddamn knees for you. Pleasuring you and wanting nothing in return. At your mercy. Your head clouded with need at the thought, not because he was here with you and not some other woman but because he’d only ever do this for you.

You moaned a little louder and the girl snapped out of her shock and displeasure as she awkwardly closed the door.

Now that she was gone, you were once again focused on your man. Not your man. Angel said this would kill him, he didn’t know it was going to kill you too even if you got your release.

“Gonna come…” You cried as he flicked your clit with his tongue. You were yanking at his hair, which only made him moan and made for a sweet vibration on that bundle of nerves. You rolled your hips against his face faster, nearing the edge. The sounds his tongue and your slick were making were enough to put a porno to shame and it only brought you closer.

“Come, let me take you there.” Heaven. You could see it behind your eyelids, could fucking feel it as your orgasm finally shot through the surface, taking you sky high. You let out a litany of curses mixed with his name, eyes watering at the intensity of your high. Earlier you didn’t know if you were flying or drowning, what you realized now was that you were flying and drowning. A mix of gasping for air while simultaneously flying right through it.

Finally you caught a breath as your climax started to fade, Angel still licking his way through it with gentle strokes. You whined as you finally came down, finally came back to this world. He lapped you up slowly and then placed a small kiss to your clit before pulling away and looking up at you. Your breath shook as you looked into his eyes, as he kept your gaze and laced his fingers through yours. You let him. Not having the energy to fight him. He knew what this was, he said it himself before he dropped to his knees. It made you feel slightly less guilty about only taking and not giving.

He finally got to his feet. You saw the tent in his pants but he adjusted himself and cursed under his breath. He didn’t seem to care about that though as he looked at you. You didn’t like the look. A look that held a lot of promise. His beard was slightly damp from your come and your core throbbed at the sight. He licked his lips as if he knew what you were thinking about and took your face in his hands.

“Forgive me.” He whispered, desperate again. You knew what it was. He said he’d get you off, nothing to it, but of course there was a small part of him that thought you’d change your mind after another orgasm.

“No.” Your words stung him, you could tell. But his face hardened and you thought he’d pull away. But instead, he stroked your bottom lip with his thumb.

“You will.” And with that promise he was walking out the door, leaving you more confused than ever.

Taglist: @starrynite7114 @xladymacbethx @fear-less-write-more @bigcreatorwombatdreamer @glimmerglittergirl @vicmackeybullshxt @miss-nori85 @blessedboo @kalimont83 @ctrlbitch @angelreyesgirl @langiinspirations @lilac-tea-time @melancholymelanin @-im-fantastic- @withmyteeth @isisafrofairy @elektriknachosss @krysiewithak @thegirlwhoisalwayswriting @mental-bycatch @smurfflynn @blackmissfrizzle @arination99 @bucky-iss-bae (if you want to be removed from the taglist for this fic pls let me know!)

#angel reyes #angel reyes x reader #angel reyes x you #angel reyes imagine #mayans mc

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taegyuun · 3 years

Text

biology class

genre: fluff, acquaintances to lovers, highschool au

word count: 2.5k

pairing: jungwon x reader

requested? yes

notes: i hope you like this i really love college/school concepts and i was super excited to write this, also i had to search up topics for biology in highschool so if this seems too easy/hard for a bunch of 16 year olds y’know why. also yes i know in korea they have uniforms but for the sake of this they can wear their own clothes. I've been writing this all day, literally since the second i woke up until now which is 19:05 pm. I'm extremely proud of this so i hope you enjoy! texting is in bold.

yang jungwon.

the campus’ ‘it boy’. everyone knew, loved, hated, or couldn’t decide whether they wanted to be him or with him. people definitely had mixed opinions on him but it was mainly the boys who gave him the glances of evil.

they were jealous.

the kid was known for being easy going, naturally sweet to everyone and academically smart. but one thing that did tick the boys off though, were his talents. sure, there were many boys and girls in school that were nice and pretty and smart but somehow, yang jungwon just had to have it all.

not only could he sing, he could dance too.

not only could he be sweet, he could turn and give the cold glare too.

he was the definition of a perfect boy... and that’s exactly how you got involved with him. let’s just say you were at the brink of being infatuated with him.

but how could you not be? even though you two barely spoke together, when you did - even if it was only about the topic of your class - you felt like he was genuinely interested in what you had to say and it never felt forced. you always felt like he cared; no matter how boring the subject you were talking about was. it had you hooked in a second.

unfortunately, jungwon was popular. infuriatingly popular. and with popularity, the swarm of love letters and beautiful fangirls and fanboys also showed up in the picture. the thoughts of dating him disappeared quicker than you could say, “hello!” to him. it disappointed you, yes. however, who were you to dwell on some highschool boy? sure, he's not exactly the type that you’d quickly forget about the second you graduate but he also never made a real impact on your life other than some minor crush.

well that was up until your biology class.

“y/n and... jungwon.” the sound of mrs. lim’s voice boomed through the filled classroom and knocked you back into reality at the sound of your name. you look up from your hands in confusion and then rendered what she said - you were paired with jungwon for your biology project... that was worth 65% of your grade.

you weren’t exactly worried about getting everything done on time - you knew he would definitely cooperate and do what he was meant to do, but what you were worried about was messing up in front of him. i mean, messing up in front of your crush is the worst second hand embarrassment, no matter how nice they are. you put your thoughts aside and looked around the classroom, trying to find the boy, only to find him already looking at you with a smile and a small wave. you wave back before looking down at your fingers, picking at the skin near your nails. oh boy, you were in for a ride.

as the bell rings, you start to pack your things away, only to be stopped by a finger tapping on your shoulder.

“hey!” you almost feel like you’re in one of the cheesy romcoms, feeling like you had to cover your eyes from how bright his smile was.

“hi jungwon, what’s up?”

“i was wondering how we’re gonna do the project?” you thought about all the possibilities and topics. you could do it at his house, your house, the library and you couldn’t wait to decide on the subject. a small smile appeared on your lips at the thought of working with him.

“uh, what about i’ll give you my number and then we can decide after school?” you words were slightly rushed, as you tried to escape his presence as quickly as possible and get to your next lesson - wanting to hide away from the chilling glares his fangirls were giving you - which you were soon to be late to. he then pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to you before pulling his bag over his shoulder and sending you a pretty smile,

“remember to text me.”

you look at the piece of paper, a few numbers written on it in black ink. you dwell over the thought of having to text him first, but you knew if you didn’t, the project wasn’t going to get done. you thought over it a bit more and realised that your grades were far more important than some stupid crush. you pull out your phone and text a simple,

you: hi it y/n!

you put your phone down, expecting to have to wait a while for a reply and got back to picking at your food with your fork. instead, you're surprised to hear your phone vibrating on the wooden table, a notification with his name already on screen. you place down your utensil and look at the text.

jungwon: hey! so what do u want to do for the project? i think we should decide the topic first before figuring out where we want to do it

you were glad that he was pretty straightforward and didn't beat around the bush, also that he genuinely wanted to get the project done and that it wasn't you doing all the work like the previous times you were partnered up with someone.

you: what do u think about the musculoskeletal system

jungwon: omg i was gonna say lets do smth to do with the skeletal system

jungwon: ok well then the topic is settled where do u wanna do it

you smile brightly at the easy agreement instead of having to scratch at your head for hours to get the other person to agree upon a topic.

you: i mean we can do it at mine if youre ok with that but the library is also an option

jungwon: yours it is then ;)

you look down at your phone in surprise at the “;)”, not expecting him to be so bold.

you: great! tmr after school?

jungwon: cant wait :)

throughout the whole day at school, you kept glancing at the clock, anticipating the final bell to ring so you could meet your project partner at the school entrance and walk home with him. you shake your head at the thought, trying to remind yourself that it was just a project - nothing else. the loud sound of a bell ringing brings you out of your trance, as you excitedly hop out of your seat. “woah, y/n... what's got you in such a good mood? its only lunch, are you that hungry?” you turn around and see jungwon standing with a hand on his bag strap and a few other boys behind him. you lightly laugh and say, “oh I'm just excited to get started on the project... hi guys.” you wave slightly at the boys stood behind him and hear a chorus of “hi y/n!!” following and excited waves.

“ill see you later, alright?” you slightly smile as you start to walk away. your eyes widen at the yelling and hooting behind you as you look over your shoulder and see the rest of the boys shouting and punching jungwon’s arms, one of them yelling out a, “you scored! she's a cute one!”

you smile slightly to yourself and lift your head higher, walking towards the cafeteria.

finally.

the final bell rings and you pack your things into your bag, sighing in delight at the thought of finally being able to leave the building. you walk out the class and instead of being able to walk straight out like usual, you see jungwon standing off to the side and gently waving at you. you raise a brow at him, but continuing to walk over anyway. “what are you doing here? i thought we were meeting at the entrance?”

“i- um, i don't know i thought it be better if i waited for you here, you don't mind right?” he smirks knowingly, already aware of your small crush on him. he didn't find out through you, of course not. you were good at acting neutral around him - not even showing an ounce of adoration. however, one thing you weren't good at hiding, were your thoughts during your sleep. you two shared a free class together, and most of the time you spent it studying or sleeping. you didn't exactly say your thoughts loudly, but jungwon sat close enough to hear some of the things you had to say - him being a common topic of your dreams. he wasn't dumb, he could figure out that you liked him. but he also was a tad stupid - still not acting upon his already existing feelings and asking you out.

thankfully, you being his partner in the project boosted his confidence and had allowed him to create the ‘perfect’ plan of asking him to be your boyfriend.

“i-uh, yeah! i don't mind. shall we go?” you say, slightly flustered. he nods in responses and mulls over what he was going to do. screw it. he grabs your hand and interlaces your fingers together, “so which way to yours?” your eyes widen at his action, looking at him with your mouth dropped open, before getting out a chocked, “uh, t-to the left.”

“lets get going then?” he starts walking and softly smiles down at you. you subconsciously squeeze his hand and smile back, walking hand in hand with him, steps oddly in sync. you hear a “hell yeah jungwon! get it!” and a loud, “ow!” followed after. you turn around and see jay holding his head in pain and sunghoon stood behind him with a smug smile on his face, throwing a thumbs up to both of you. you turn back around and look up at jungwon, seeing his cheeks tinted a light pink and a shy smile residing on his lips. you feel a soft tug at your hand followed by a clearing of his throat.

“come on, lets go.” you follow his step, hands still interlaced as you two walk in a comfortable silence, once in a while telling him which direction to go.

“so what do you think we should start with?” you look up from the ground and see him looking at you, awaiting your response. “oh uhm, i think we should just start with getting all the info into notes and from that start making the project. i think we should leave the creative aspects like making it look nice and what not till the end because that doesn't really impact our grades so it isn't that important.” you feel his thumb rubbing you hand in soft circles and feel yourself getting warmer, completely forgetting his hand holding yours - it just felt so natural. he hums in agreement before speaking up once again.

“I'm honestly so glad i got partnered with you, especially with this being such an important project. every time i had to work with other people who weren't my friends it felt like i either had to do all the work or scratch to the depths of my brain to get them to agree on a topic and on how we should make it work.”

“i totally get that!” your voice slightly raises in happiness at his words, “i feel the exact same way. every time i get partnered with someone, i always have to do all the work and it got so infuriating always having to credit them for something they never did or the bare minimum.” you take out the key from your pocket and twist it into the keyhole, opening the door and hearing the pat of your cats paws coming closer to the door. you both take your shoes off and walk to the kitchen, your cat following behind and waking in between your legs.

“i didn't know you had a cat?” jungwon's voice forces you to look behind and find him to be crouching down and petting howl. “well, mr. yang, there's a lot you don't know about me, he's called howl by the way,”

“like howl from ‘howls moving castle’?” you smile brightly, happy that he got the refence. “yeah! i love that movie, its my comfort film,” you bring two glasses of water with you as you start to walk upstairs, jungwon following your steps. you both get to your room, opening the door wider to let him inside too.

“woah.”

“huh? oh uh, ignore everything - its not the prettiest room,” you say, slightly embarrassed at all the posters and random clutters on your shelves, “no, no! i love it, it reminds me a lot of my own room. its very fitting to you, y/n.” he smiles at you and you simply smile back, handing him the glass of water and hearing a quiet, “thanks,” in response.

“well, should we start?”

“god! finally!” you both groan, falling back onto your soft bed, sighing at the ceiling. you two had been working since the second you got inside your room until the sun had set; your parents even managed to get back from work by the time you were only one third through your note gathering. you spread your arms on the bed, stretching as you did so. your hand then hits something soft and silky. you look to your left and see jungwon smiling brightly as your hand rests on top of is head.

the whole time you two were working on the project, you both subconsciously stayed close to one another, as if you were just drawn to the other with an invisible force. even when you took a food break for 20 minutes and were sat opposite one another, your feet kept kicking the other, smiling and laughing quietly with warm cheeks.

now you laid on your bed, your hand resting on top of his head and staying there with no complaints from the boy.

“i like your outfit,” you observed the comfortable fit he was wearing, oversized black hoodie with some blue text in the corner and loose fitting black trousers. jungwon looks down at what he was wearing before looking back up and smiling, eyes slowly opening and closing, “youre tired, aren't you?” he then opens his mouth, trying to deny your statement but gets cut off by a yawn. he blushes before softly nodding his head and getting more comfortable on your bed, unknowingly bringing you closer to him, eyes already closed.

“take a nap, ill wake you up when it gets late.” he nods once again, barely conscious as he already falls into dreamland, arms wrapped tightly around you. you feel yourself heating up, both from his body heat and at his actions. you try hard as you possibly can to not squeal too loudly as you brush his hair away from his forehead and press a soft kiss in place.

a tiny smile forms on his lips as you get more comfortable and start to drift away yourself. right before being sent away to your dreams, you felt a gentle kiss being pressed to your forehead in return.

he may have not followed his ‘perfect plan’ of becoming your boyfriend but you both got 100% on the project... and a new found love.

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magnus-the-maqnificent · 3 years

Text

Let's Analyze - Alec in CoFA

So, I’ve been seeing plenty of discourse on two of my mutual’s blogs about this topic… so I thought I’d sit down and write another analysis post about my beloved Alec Lightwood cause people are still giving him shit for a book that came out ten years ago 🤦‍♀️

This is gonna be in two parts, and I'm putting both under the cut:

PART 1 - ALEC’S INSECURITIES

So, the first part - how Alec’s insecurities drove him to saying stupid things in CoFA

A quick disclaimer - I’m NOT blaming Alec alone for his and Magnus’s break up. What happened was pretty complicated, and the blame cannot be put on one person alone.

That said, let’s start with Magnus and Alec’s early ‘official’ relationship, in trsom.

These scenes are taken from only the first part of the book, but I’m pretty sure they’re more than enough to get a sense of Alec’s insecurities and all the chinks in their relationship. Throughout the entirety of trsom, we see more bits and pieces of Alec’s insecurities about Magnus’s sexuality, and his past and all the people he might have known - and that’s okay! Insecurities happen, cause brains are stupid like that.

But all of Alec’s insecurities could’ve been laid to rest with a simple conversation. But the conversation never happens. Magnus tends to deflect and change the topic every single time his past is brought up. I understand Magnus’s reasons for hiding his past, of course, but it doesn’t help his relationship with Alec. Magnus hiding a good chunk of his past will inevitably lead to Alec questioning himself - why is he so secretive? Why is he not telling me anything? Does he not trust me? ...and so on.

And when Alec is already feeling insecure in this relationship, this happens - (sorry about the terrible cropping btw)

And then later, while Magnus is talking to Camille,

Now… when people are insecure about something, they get irked at the smallest of things. I’m saying this as an insecure person myself. So now, you've got Alec, who's insecure as fuck, and his vacation with the person he loves got cut short by his ex who refuses to talk to anyone but him, and when they get there, his lover and his lover's ex seem to have obvious chemistry, he gets hit with the reality that his lover has dated several, probably even hundreds of people before him; and he has to leave them alone in a room so they can talk, and then he hears the ex basically just list all his shortcomings - i.e, his mortality, his appearance is compared to some random dead guy (sorry, Will) whom your lover had a crush on, which is just weird, and when you've had enough and open the door, it's to see your lover and his ex, standing close as fuck, and he's! touching! her! face! and! looking! into! her! eyes!

*takes a sip of water* yeahhhh... Alec was straight up having a bad day.

And at this point, a) Alec is still in his first relationship. He didn't get to navigate romance when he was younger, and while there's nothing wrong with that, there weren't exactly cutesy presentations titled 'how to keep your relationships healthy' floating around the internet. Heck, he didn’t know the internet. He didn't know that he had to communicate with Magnus, and it doesn't help that boy avoids conversations about feelings like the plague. And b) at this point, Alec would be facing several negative emotions - insecurity, obviously. Hurt. Helplessness, because of his mortality. Fear, that he might not live up to Magnus’s past lovers. Jealousy at seeing Magnus and Camille so close.

Negative emotions like these often tend to show up as anger or sorrow... and in Alec’s case, that would be anger. Which leads us to THIS- (🙈)

*sighs in second-hand embarrassment*

*drinks more water*

*this is gonna be so hard aksjakak*

So. Alec dealt with his insecurities... by being a mean, mean bitch to Magnus :/

Let's break this scene down, slowly, bit by bit.

First, Alec cuts into a conversation between Magnus and Jordan, when Magnus mentions Woolsey Scott, followed the rest of that particular page. To Alec, he's just a figure from Magnus’s past, and a possible lover, though in Alec’s defense Woolsey Scott WAS Magnus’s lover. This is the first instance that we see in which Alec lashes out at Magnus. It seems like he's trying to make a point to Magnus - "I don't know anything about your past, and so I don't know who you've had romances with, but I want to know." Except he makes his point in the worst way possible and ends up slutshaming Magnus.

The "What's true?" line, in response to Jordan saying "so it's true what they say about warlocks, then?" is pretty obvious. Alec is clearly not liking the idea that this random werewolf might know about warlocks, and in particular, his Warlock boyfriend.

Next... ooh boy... Alec basically snaps and in the next few paragraphs accuses Magnus of wanting to flirt with others which... is not a good look on ya honey 😕. These lines are the ones that get him accused of being biphobic... but is he really? I'm gonna talk about that in part 2.

So, in the first paragraph, where Alec makes the comments about Jordan, I find his choice of words pretty... interesting, seeing as 'messy-haired', 'broad-shouldered' and 'chiseled-good-looks' are all used to describe Alec in the series. Not sure if its relevant, but definitely interesting.

And in the next one, where Alec says, "or there are plenty of pretty girls here, since apparently your taste goes both ways. Is there anything you aren't into?" The 'apparently' makes me curious. In rsom, Alec mentions that he's only recently heard of the term bisexual, and there's plenty of time between rsom and cofa, so Alec should be absolutely sure of atleast the basic meaning of bisexuality. But I'm pretty sure it's just inconsistency on cc's part, since if rsom didn't exist, this book would be the first time Alec learns about Magnus’s bisexuality. (Which is obvious when you look at the scene after Magnus reveals that Camille is his girlfriend.) And as for the second sentence, I feel like it's a fallback to earlier in the book when Magnus says (I'm just gonna write the dialogue from memory), "I've dated men, women, warlocks, faeries, vampires, werewolves and even a djinn or two." Here, Alec is angry, and he takes the knowledge that Magnus has dated a variety of people and once again, lashes out.

Looking at all of it together, Alec’s insecurities are definitely a factor in all of this. We know Alec has pretty low self esteem in tmi, and he keeps having irrational thoughts about someone else grabbing Magnus’s attention, like in the trsom scene I've posted above. And he ends up taking out his insecurities on Magnus.

Was it wrong of Alec to say all those things to Magnus? Yes, absolutely. But looking back through all his scenes in cofa, it's easy to see how he could've fallen into the pit trap of emotions.

And before anyone says "but it wasn't addressed in the later books", it was, in CoLS. I’ve hit the image limit, so I'm just gonna type it out -

"[Magnus] said it would be better if he didn’t come. Apparently him and the Seelie Queen have some kind of history."

Isabelle raised her eyebrows.

"Not that kind of history," Alec said irritably. "Some kind of feud. Though," he added, half under his breath, "the way he got around before me, I wouldn't be surprised."

"Alec!" Isabelle dropped back to talk to her brother....

So, there. Alec makes yet another slutshaming comment, Isabelle overhears and is clearly not happy about it, and it's clearly implied that she talks to Alec about it. And Alec doesn't make any more slutshaming comments since then. Boy now knows what he did was wrong, and makes sure not to repeat it again.

Although, I do wish we had more than this. I wish we had more of Magnus and Alec talking about this argument, heck, even about all their arguments and the reasons they broke up, but you can't get everything you want, apparently :(

And now onto the next part...

PART 2 - IS ALEC BIPHOBIC?

The short answer, uh, no, not really.

The long answer.... would be complicated.

So, back in the day, when this discourse was at an all time high, I remember reading a bisexual person's essay about this topic, and they said that this comment from Alec - "or there are plenty of pretty girls here, since apparently your taste goes both ways. Is there anything you aren't into?" - would be a biphobic microagression.

According to Google, a microagression is "a statement, action, or incident regarded as an instance of indirect, subtle, or unintentional discrimination against members of a marginalized group such as a racial or ethnic minority".

And in Alec's case, IF his words were biphobic, they were completely unintentional. They were microagressive. Which is... still bad, of course, but it's more complicated than that.

If you look back on Alec's supposedly biphobic statements, they're more about Magnus’s hypersexuality and promiscuity than anything else. Yes, even the line i mentioned like two paragraphs ago. At first glance it may seem like a direct attack on Magnus’s sexuality, but think over the explanation I gave for the line and it will make sense. And a lot of people know that the whole 'bi people fuck around a lot and are cheaters' thing is a stereotype.

Now, it may seem like I'm going off topic here, but bear with me. I couple of days ago, I watched this video by chance. (Tw for the aids crisis and lots of biphobia, not from the narrator, if you wanna watch the video). Basically, back in the 1980s, bisexual men were scapegoated for spreading aids to the straight community and were vilified by popular media as being promiscuous scepters who would cheat on their wives with gay men and then give aids to their wives. (Yikes 😬). And since bisexuality was practically unheard of before all this (several bisexual activists have stated that all this shit, though unfortunate, pulled bisexuality out of the closet), it's safe to assume that this is how those stereotypes came to be - through 1980s propaganda.

But living with this propaganda is... a very limiting experience. The people who leaned and unlearned and fought against this propaganda are mostly US Americans who grew up with it, either the actual propaganda itself or passed down by their parents. But like I said, it's a very limiting experience. US is but one country out of many, and even for those living in the USA there's a chance that they grew up in a very hush-hush environment. People who grew up hearing all these stereotypes will see it as biphobia, while people who didn't - like Alec, and me, and several other people will not. A lot of people grow up with absolutely no knowledge of the queer community, and chances are that they'll be incredibly confused when a stereotype is pointed out to them, and they often get no more explanation than 'this is a harmful stereotype'. Queer experiences aren't the same for everyone, and while I respect the people who see this as biphobia, they should recognize that there are many people who won't see it that way.

I have seen bisexual people say that Alec's words were biphobic, and I've also seen bisexual people say that they weren't. Thus, there is no clear consensus about whether or not Alec was being biphobic. And like I said earlier, Alec grew up far, far away from mundane anti-queer bigotry. He was essentially a clean slate when it came to knowledge of eer microagressions of any kind, because microagressions and stereotypes are often incredibly specific, don't have anything to do with a person's race/sexuality/gender, etc. and will make zero sense unless you know the history behind them. To Magnus, who lived through the anti-bisexual scapegoating, the words would've definitely stung, but Alec didn't even know the implications he would be making with this words! Of course, the impact is greater than intention, and I imagine Magnus would sit Alec down one day and talk about all this history with him.

And idk if I can even blame cc cause the history of bisexual men is RARELY ever talked about, atleast on the internet.

Also, this scene in cofa is the only instance where he can be interpreted to be biphobic. Nowhere else in all of tmi, and even tec, do we see Alec express hatred or disgust or microagression towards bisexual people. If this was seen in a repeating pattern from Alec, one could argue that he's biphobic... but he isn't. Some might point to some of his internal thoughts in trsom to argue otherwise, but I believe that actions are superior than thoughts.

There's also the thing about unlearning prejudices, but in Alec's case there was hardly anything to be unlearned. The only prejudices he did pick up on were against himself, through vague homophobic comments from Robert.

P.S if you've read this far, I am legally entitled to compensation for thinking of cofa Alec for 48 hours. Put your favorite Alec moments in my askbox cause I wanna focus on his good side now. 😎

But yeah, the main thing here is that Alec has grown from his mistakes, apologized, and hasn't repeated this behavior at all.

And lastly, I just wanted to add - I don't think all this was unintentional on the author's part. She's grown up with the us American queer community, and has mentioned that she has bisexual friends, who have no doubt faced prejudices because of these stereotypes. I think she was trying to condemn making such statements, but a lot of people don't read between the lines and end up misinterpreting it and make both the character and her to be biphobic.

So... TLDR; was what Alec said biphobic? Maybe. It depends on who you're talking to. Is Alec, as a person, biphobic? Nope. Not at all. 😌

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karmelek-writes · 3 years

Text

comfort zone | part 2

Harrison Osterfield x fem!reader, Tom Holland x fem!reader

Synopsis: What do you do when you love them but want someone else?

Word count: 2.9k

Warnings: slight angst, swearing, suggestive comments, mentions of sex, there will be smut in other parts

Read part 1 here!

A/N: Hey guys! This is part two of the "comfort zone". I wanted to thank you all again for supporting me and commenting, reblogging, and liking part 1! I hope you like this one too. Let me know what you think! Also, if anyone would like to be added to the taglist, please message me! I'll create one soon.

Love, W 🖤

When you sat down next to the blonde you immediately sensed that he tensed. You didn’t like how the things between you turned out to be so awkward. You two were never like that. And now you were scared to say a word to him. Suddenly texting seemed more appealing so you took out your phone again and started typing. You noticed Harrison glancing at you as if he tried to see if you are in a good mood for taking up this conversation. He didn’t want to be noisy and check who you’re texting so he quickly shifted his head to the slides that were displayed by your professor. However, he looked down at his phone when he felt it vibrate just to see that he got a message from you. Frowning, he touched the icon of your contact and read your message.

From Y/N:

Want to go out for a drink with me?

You watched him looking through the text anxiously, hoping that he didn’t get the wrong idea. You wanted to make things right, not only because you hated having unfinished business with people but also because you liked him and his company. Another thing was that he was Tom’s friend. You wouldn’t want him to feel bad about your misunderstanding with his best friend. When you opened your mouth to add something, Harrison turned to you with a lovely little smile. When he nodded some loose curls fell on his face making you smile in return and laugh inside. You didn’t miss the light in his eyes when you moved your hand slightly to put his hair back in its place just as you did with Tom. This time, however, you stopped midway and a crimson flush crept into your face. The blonde’s smile turned into a smirk when he caught up to your actions and before you could do something he moved a little closer to you to give you a chance to brush the messy curls out of his face. But instead of that, you slapped him on the arm and sank deeper into your seat what brought a laugh out of Harrison. He thought that you were adorable in your shyness and he definitely enjoyed making you flustered. The simple gesture made you hope that maybe nothing is lost yet. You just had to apologise and assure him that what had happened was just an accident. It would be easy, wouldn’t it?

After your lecture and interaction with Harrison, you felt a lot lighter. Your mind was at peace again and you could enjoy yourself knowing that everything will be alright between Harrison and you. When you got home the first thing you did was to lay down on a sofa. With a smile on your face, you stretched your body and closed your eyes. This moment of silence was what you needed after all these hours of anxiety and stress. Breathing deeply you slowly started to drift to sleep when the sound of the door opening brought you back to reality.

“I just got the best news EVER,” very excited Tom marched through the door with an enormous smile on his face. Noticing you laying on the sofa he stopped dead in his tracks hoping that he didn’t wake you. Looking up, you had to laugh at his wild eyes gaze, and tensed figure. You stood up to greet your best friend opening your arms for him. Tom smiled widely and embraced you in a tight hug but his strength and force made you lose your balance and collapse back on the couch. Brunette landed on top of you and you yelped in surprise. You could feel his weight on you but for some reason, it didn’t bother you at all. Actually, you found it really nice to be able to enjoy the way his muscles flexed when he tried to steady himself not to crush you. For anyone who walked through the door, the scene would seem unpleasant but you were comfortable feeling the heat radiating from his body. Every since you two started hanging out, a feeling of comfort and mutual understanding was created. With Tom things were always easy, you didn’t argue much and on top of that, it was really hard for awkwardness in your relationship. You loved him for his incredible ability to turn bad situations into good ones and brush everything off with laughter. Yet, this time you haven’t heard him giggling or saying some playful words to make you blush. You moved your head to look him in the eyes and this time you saw something you’ve never seen before. His gaze studied your face patiently, not missing any spot on your skin. His mouth was slightly agape as he tried to find the right words to say but your beauty was so mesmerising he couldn’t tear his eyes away from you. Your bodies were so close that you could feel his shallow breath on your face and you started wondering why was he so nervous out of a sudden. Little did you know that Tom has realised something at that moment. He realised he couldn’t find any flaw in you despite watching you the whole time. He realised that you make him the happiest and that he would never be the same without you. And most importantly, Tom realised that he could never make you as happy as he wished to. He has always made sure you were doing alright and that you knew he was there but he couldn’t force himself to love you. He tried, he really tried to develop some feelings. He would lay in bed at night thinking about you and what is wrong with him that he can’t love such an amazing person. Tom never believed in soulmates but he truly thought you had his heart and soul. When you were gone, he always felt like there was something missing. A puzzle that combines his messy lifestyle with his fucked up mind. You always had the right things to say to make him feel better and he never felt like you were judging him. He truly found someone with a pure heart and soul that is right for him and understands him without words. But if you weren’t the right one, where were they? Truthfully, Tom was tired of being alone. He wanted someone to love him and he wanted someone to love. You were there for him but somehow it wasn’t enough. He lacked the feeling of crazy love. He wanted it to consume him and intoxicate all his senses. He wanted to be in a daze that would make him do all the cheesy stuff his friends would tease him about but he wouldn’t care because of the happiness. It killed him that it wasn’t you. He knew that, all too well, but he didn’t stop being close to you. He wouldn’t dare to even try and lose you. At that moment he knew that he would take up every fight to keep you by his side even if it meant to hurt himself because despite all that you were his home and he needed you to breathe. You were his safe zone and if he couldn’t have you by fate, he would have you by choice.

As the seconds passed by your heart started to beat more quickly anticipating his next move. The way Tom was looking at you made you forget how to breathe. All you could do was stare at his beautiful honey brown eyes sparkling in the yellow light of the lamp standing on the table. Finally, after what felt like hours, Tom whispered "I got the job," seemingly getting out of his thoughts but you saw that he was still trying to figure something out in his head.

"This.. this is amazing, Tom," you replied not paying much attention to what he was talking about since all you could do was drool over him.

"Yeah, I'm going to the USA," he laughed like he couldn't believe he got the part but still didn't move one bit. Tom's body was towering over you making it hard for you to focus on his words.

"Mhmm.. I'm proud of you, Tommy," the nickname quickened his heartbeat as he always got warm inside when you called him that. He thought the nickname was childish but he always melted when it came out of your mouth. He wanted to kiss your forehead as an act of thanking you but you suddenly yawned.

"I'm sorry that I woke you up. I was just excited," his pretty smile was replaced by a pout when he remembered the state he found you in. You took his face in your hands and giggled at his cuteness.

"I was just falling asleep, don't worry," you answered truthfully, not wanting him to feel bad for disturbing your peace.

"Are you still sleepy? We can lay down if you want," Tom proposed, concerned about your lack of sleep out of nowhere.

"Well, I'd say we're already laying down..." hesitation was evident in your voice almost as you were worried to bring up the topic. The look on Tom's face shifted quickly after he registered your words and looked down between your bodies. That was when he felt his crutch touching yours and a wave of embarrassment mixed with lust washed over him. He must have got lost in daydreaming about you not to notice that he was basically crunching you. He was surprised you could even breathe in this state. "But.. I-I don't mind..." your words eased his panic but didn't help the blood coming south.

In the trance, you moved your fingers along his smooth skin hoping that would calm him down. You weren't sure what you were doing but you enjoyed this little moment and didn't want it to end. Tracing the shape of his nose you licked your lips what made Tom close his eyes and exhale deeply.

"We need to stop or I'll do something we will both regret," when the words left his mouth you stopped your movement but kept your hands on his face. Tom was scared to open his eyes. He feared for your reaction. A few seconds passed by while you tried to find the right words. Were you surprised? Yes. But you couldn't fight the smile that crept on your face and the butterflies erupting in your stomach. Although, you weren't sure how you felt about what you've just heard you needed to feel him. It may be wrong but you wanted it.

"What if I don't mind?" you said softly just millimeters from his lips. Tom finally opened his eyes at your confession and you could see the confusion painted on his face.

"I-I-I.... Look um..." this was the first time you've seen your best friend so nervous that he couldn't get the words out. He seemed to be really troubled but he finally gave in resting his own hand on your cheek. "W-what does this mean for u-us?" he couldn't help but ask. Tom didn't want you to think that he was just taking advantage out of the situation. He needed to know your point of view on this because he didn't want to hurt you in any way and this was a dangerous field.

"I don't know but I really want this" your words made the brunette's eyes darken. Licking his lips for the last time, he moved your head closer to him and brushed his lips against yours in a sweet but passionate kiss. Your lips were moving softly in sync as if you kissed for the millionth time. You were making out for a good few minutes until the taste of him was so intoxicating you forgot how to breathe and had to pull out for a second to catch some air. Your break didn't last long because Tom pulled you back in taking advantage of your parted lips and pushed his tongue in. You moaned at the action and the sound made Tom thrust his hips against yours. At that moment you felt something poking your thigh. You didn't want to stop your make-out session but you knew you weren't ready to go further yet so you patted his chest softly to signal him that you wanted to stop. Tom pulled out slowly trying to see if he hurt you in any way. "I'm alright," noticing his worried gaze you assured him that there was nothing bad happening. "I'm just umm... not ready for t-the next s-step," suddenly you got anxious hoping that you didn't say anything wrong to make him upset.

"Oh.." was all he said, not fully realising what you were trying to hint on.

"I mean... you know," you looked down at his bulge hoping that he would understand your clue.

"OH!" he followed your gaze and finally caught up to what you meant. "Noo, don't worry about it. We um.. we don't have to go further if you don't want to," Tom tried to make you comfortable but he couldn't hide the flush on his cheeks that was a result of his embarrassment. He didn't know why he felt so awkward out of a sudden. You, on the other hand, felt more confused than awkward. You had to figure out your own feelings towards your best friend but you couldn't lie to yourself and say that you didn't enjoy it because that was probably the most amazing kiss you've ever had.

"Thank you," you didn't really register your words but it seemed that neither did Tom because he started to get up and fixing his clothes and hair. You only watched him, not wanting to move.

"Do you regret it?" Tom asked in a small voice noticing your absent look. He didn't know how to feel about the situation too. He allowed himself to let loose this one time and he just hoped it didn't destroy your friendship.

"Do you regret it?"

"I asked you first."

"Trying to be smart, Holland?" he genuinely smiled at your remark because then he knew that nothing has changed. You wouldn't joke with him if you were mad or upset.

Taking a deep breath, you got up and turned to face Tom. "I don't regret it. Do you?" he let go of a deep breath he didn't even know that was holding and shook his head. "That's... good." you summed up the situation making Tom burst out laughing. "What's so funny?"

"You are so weird," you faked an offended look at what he added "But so am I. That makes us a good match."

You nodded your head because maybe he was right. Maybe you two were a good match.

After the incident, things started to get more intense between you and Tom. You didn’t know if it was your imagination or if he made it his mission to frustrate you even more by caressing you while you were falling asleep or casually holding your hand when going on walks. Whatever it was, it rendered you warm inside. You couldn’t fight your butterflies and stop yourself by slowly falling for your best friend. Subconsciously, you hoped you two would end up together, his family loving you and all your friends saying how you make a good match. However, it didn’t seem as he had any intentions to make the first move. Even though Tom was very touchy with you, he never asked you out or even brought up the subject of the relationship. It was even more confusing because he wasn’t messing around with anyone nor he had any female friends he was interested in. You knew because as your relationship with Harrison started progressing you found yourself gushing to him about Tom. Harrison always tried to assure you that Tom liked you too and after many days of contemplating you decided to talk with him about your feelings. You were even more nervous because he was supposed to leave for the USA for his new job in a couple of days. You weren’t sure where this conversation would leave your relation but the fear wasn’t that strong to stop you from confessing your admiration for him.

Tom invited you to his get-away party so that was when you wanted to talk to him. His family wanted to say a proper goodbye before he would leave for long months that’s why they all came to celebrate his success. You were one of the first few people who has come so you helped around the kitchen and talked a bit to Tom’s brothers. You’ve known these people for so long that at this point you treated them like your own family. You had fun talking with Tom’s grandparents and playing with the youngest members of the family. Tom was watching you from the kitchen with a smile on his face as you were humming Baby shark with children. He loved that you felt so comfortable around his family and that they’ve basically accepted you as their own child. His parents would even ask him about you sometimes, hoping that there was something more between you. He always brushed them off saying that you two were just friends because that was the truth. Even though no one questioned your friendship, everyone knew that it wasn’t just Tom who was coming over, it was always Tom and Y/N. When his parents wanted to invite you for dinner or a nice family gathering they would just tell Tom to pass you the invitation. Everyone treated you two as one because they knew that your bond was special and Tom’s family has never seen him happier than when he was with you. They were grateful that he had someone in his life who kept him grounded. “She’s the one, mate,” is what his brothers keep telling Tom. He would just smile mysteriously because it wasn’t true but he didn’t want to let anyones’ hopes down.

When the children ran away you giggled and glanced at the room to spot someone you could talk to. That was when you noticed Tom at the foot of the stairs who was talking to Harrison. He must have sensed you looking at him because he turned his head directly to you. The action made you smile and you started to make your way to take up a conversation with the boys. After finally scrambling through the crowd, you stood eye to eye with Tom who took your hand and led you to his room. You didn’t know where Harrison went but you guessed that Tom wanted to talk to you about something important. Otherwise, why would he take you to his room giving air to Harrison?

Taglist: @harryhollandsgirlfriend, @osterfieldshollandgirl

#tom holland series #tom holland imagine #tom holland x reader #harrison osterfield #tom holland #haz osterfield #harrison osterfield x reader

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