#but it does make me realize that i'm so much happier when we're in this little cocoon away from everyone else

[yoongiseesawmp3]

ceilings - san

summary: pe teacher!san x single mom!reader. your kid is finally ready to go to school, and you're spiraling. thankfully, you find friendship with your kid's teacher and she becomes determined to become your best friend. simultaneously, she tries to set you up with the cute pe teacher, but you know him from somewhere deep within your past. can the truth come out without jeopardizing your future?

word count: 12.4k

warnings: afab reader so gendered terms, mentions of accidental pregnancy

masterlist / part two

"violet, come on, we're gonna be late!" you shout to your daughter. it's her first day of kindergarten, her first day of real school, and you're so close to tears. you want to cry because your baby is growing up, because you won't get to cart your little mini me around with you everywhere now, because you're so stressed about getting her to school on time. it's been a rough morning, and your daughter taking her sweet time is not helping.

"i'm almost ready!" she shouts back from the bathroom, and you suppress a groan. what does a five year old have to primp for?

"one more minute and i'm dragging you to the car!" you threaten lightheartedly, knowing she'll only take it to mean she has a minute before you go and help her.

"i'm done," she says proudly as she appears in the doorway to the kitchen. hands on her hips she asks, "how do i look?"

"ridiculous," you laugh. "is that my shirt?"

"and my belt!" she defends herself. "i thought it was cute."

"it is cute, baby, but maybe you should wear something more comfortable for the first day?" you offer. you shuffle over to the laundry basket you left on the stairs and dig around for an outfit, handing your stubborn daughter some jeans and a sweater. "just wear something comfy today, and later this week you can dress silly."

"i wasn't dressed silly, i was dressed like you," violet mumbles, and you roll your eyes. your daughter definitely got your sass, and your stubbornness, but the resemblance kind of stops there. she's a spitting image of her father, a constant reminder of the mistake you made when you were younger. but it wasn't really a mistake, was it? if it brought you the one thing that's made you happier than anything before, it wasn't a mistake at all. violet was the best thing that ever happened to you, and again, the waterworks threaten to fall as you think about dropping her off for her first day of school. a day, you realize, you're late for.

"c'mon sugar, we gotta go!" you shout, grabbing her hello kitty backpack. "i've got your stuff, meet me in the car!"

-

you work close enough to violet's school that you can be one of those annoying carpool parents swarming the school grounds every day. while violet may hate it, you're so excited for all the memories that will come from these trips to and from school each day. like today, you'll always remember how violet started crying a few minutes down the road, claiming she didn't want to go to school because she didn't want to eat school lunch.

"it's not that bad, vi." you tell her as you peek at her through the rearview. "i remember loving some days of school lunch so much i would always go, even if i was sick."

"but you only liked some days," she sniffed. "what if i don't like any of the days?"

"then i'll pack you a lunch," you assure her. "just try it this week, every day, because some days will be better than others. then if you don't like any of it i'll start making your lunch. how does that sound?"

"okay," she nods, her sad little sniffles clearing up. "thank you mommy."

"we're almost there," you say quietly, more to yourself than to your daughter. "are you excited, sugar?"

"kinda," she admits. "i'm excited to see miss jen!"

"she's gonna be a great teacher," you agree. "you're gonna learn so much, and you're gonna have so much fun with her and all the friends you're gonna make. right?"

violet nods again, and you're satisfied for now. you're sure your baby is alright to go off to school for the first time, at least for the time being. surely there will be another thing to freak about later in the day, but for now you need to worry about navigating this carpool line. a man in workout clothes with a haggard looking traffic vest is directing traffic, and while you pass him, you feel your heart skip a beat.

it can't be him, right? there's no way he works here. it can't be. you keep driving, following the cones until you pull up to the sidewalk and a very kind looking teacher approaches your car with a soft smile.

"good morning!" he chirps. "i'm mr. kang, the librarian," he says as he stoops to peer through your window. his gaze goes to the backseat, asking violet, "are you ready for the best day ever?"

she nods shyly, and you watch as she undoes her car seat and slides out of the car with her too big book bag engulfing her frame as she walks away. you shout her name and she turns, a nervous look on her face.

"have a great day, my love!" you blow her a kiss for good measure, and you carry the way she smiles proudly with you for the rest of the day. the man in the traffic vest is all but forgotten, but he watches from afar in confusion. was he seeing things, or were you really here dropping off a kid? a kid, in fact, who looked exactly like he did at that age. weird, he thinks, but he shakes it off and continues directing traffic, wondering how he could find a way to introduce himself over the next few days.

-

when you were younger, your parents always supported you academically, but they were never involved with the school itself. pta meetings were not their thing, and it was a struggle getting them to take off work for a parent/teacher conference. you had decided early on that you would be one of those involved parents, one that knew your kid's teacher well and participated in room mom activities. you were texting violet's teacher last night, actually, asking if there was anything you could bring to help celebrate the first week, and she was eager to have the help.

she'd asked you to bring lollipops, so on thursday afternoon you're searching for a parking spot before school lets out. you were going to drop the goodies off at violet's classroom and help jen with the goody bags during dismissal, quick and easy. except, an intimidating figure walking toward your car may not make this process as easy as you'd have hoped.

san saw your car pull up and immediately stepped out into the parking lot. as the unofficial carpool guardian, one of his daily jobs is stopping parents who try to cheat the system by taking up faculty spots so they can be first in line. san didn't know it was you or he would've approached with a different demeanor, but today was rough. he had at least two criers per class and one kid who ran so hard after lunch he puked outside san's office. he wasn't in the mood to deal with a privileged parent, so he lets out a deep sigh as he approaches your now open window.

"ma'am you can't park here-" he starts, but as soon as his eyes meet yours he chokes on his words. "y/n?"

"hi san," you smile shyly, heartbeat racing. "so i can't park here? there weren't any guest spots out front, and i need to take something to vi's class-"

"vi?" san questions, and you let out a deep sigh of your own.

"violet," you tell him. "my..my daughter."

"i thought that was you the other day," san admits, and you nod in confirmation. "well, um, if you're just coming to drop something off, you're all good, you can leave your car-"

"oh really? i can move, it's no problem-"

"no, no, don't worry about it-"

"are you sure?" you ask, finally stopping the awkward back and forth. "you won't tattle?"

"pinky promise," san laughs, holding your door for your as you get out. "but i'd sneak out before carpool starts up if i were you, it'll be hard to pull out once the lot fills up."

"got it," you nod graciously, slipping your hand into the backseat to grab the bag of candy. san is still standing there, so you clear your throat and try to leave. "well, thanks for letting me-"

"no worries-"

"it was good seeing you-"

"yeah, yeah..." san trails off. once you're a few feet away he calls your name. you turn to see what he needs, and he thinks about it before shrugging. "never mind," he says. "it was nice to see you."

"bye san," you manage to get out before you turn the corner, hands sweaty and heart doing funny flips in your chest.

you hadn't told violet about your visit, so when jen lets you into the room you hear an excited squeal followed by a pair of small arms wrapped around your legs. violet looks up at you proudly, a spot of something on her cheek. you forget sometimes, just how much she looks like san, but your exchange outside has him fresh on the brain. she has his smile. you shake the thoughts from your head and try to take a step, but violet won't budge.

"hey sugar," you laugh, ruffling her hair with your free hand. "go back to your seat, school's not over yet."

"but-"

"violet, do you want to show your mom where to put the bags she brought?" jen offers, and you send her a thankful look. violet tugs on your hand, bringing you over to the "treasure box" which is really just a filing cabinet jen must have filled with candy and toys. violet shows you each drawer, and you make her look away as you place the candy in it's appropriate drawer so it won't ruin the surprise for now. satisfied with her work, violet goes back to her seat as the bell rings for dismissal. you organize some of the other things you brought on jen's desk as she goes over reminders for the class, and then the first few rounds of students start leaving.

"thanks for bringing all this," jen says as she joins you.

"do you need help putting them together?" you ask, and she thinks for a moment.

"no, i don't want to keep you," she starts.

"well, i think i'm stuck for a while anyway," you inform her. "i had to park in a faculty spot, and carpool-"

"oh yeah, you're definitely stuck," jen laughs. "let me get everything set up, and then you can start while i help the rest of the kids leave, if you don't mind?"

"not at all!" you assure her, looking out to find violet watching you both like a hawk. "do you think we'll need another set of hands though?" jen follows your gaze and laughs before waving violet over. the three of you get everything set up, and you ask violet about her day as jen organizes the next group of kids for bus call.

"it was good!" violet says happily. "i liked lunch today."

"what did they have?"

"chicken sammiches," she says, and you laugh.

"sandwiches, baby," you tell her. "sammiches is a me and you word, but some people may not know what that means."

"i like chicken sandwiches and chicken sammiches," she nods. "and then we had pe and a boy in my class threw up. he had pizza."

"gross," you crinkle your nose. "you liked pe though?"

"yeah, it was fun!" violet goes off on a tangent about all the games, and jen rejoins you to help finish the bags. the three of you fall into comfortable conversation with violet as the life of the party. you like jen, you find yourself thinking. you hope it's not weird to be friends with your kid's teacher, because you could really use one here. you're lost in that thought, so you don't notice when someone appears in the doorway.

"mr. choi!" violet chirps, abandoning her task and rushing to meet him. never met a stranger, your child, because she's tugging his hand and bringing him over to you. "this is mommy."

"that's not her name though, is it violet?" jen asks, ever the teacher.

"y/n," san nods, and you don't miss the way jen looks from you to san to violet and back again. "did you get tricked into staying late?"

"no, i offered," you reply. "but i didn't have a choice, i didn't listen to your advice and couldn't leave before carpool started."

"you're all good now," he says, holding up his reflective vest all crumpled in his big hand. "just sent the last kid home."

"good to know," you nod. "vi, where's your stuff? we'll leave soon."

"no!" she whines. "i don't wanna leave!"

"don't you want a snack though?" you tempt her, and that sends the mini menace into motion.

"to what do i owe the pleasure of you stinking up my classroom, choi?" jen asks.

"i wanted to talk to you about the kid that threw up today," he says, and you must look at him confused because he asks you if anything's wrong.

"are you the pe teacher here?"

"yep," he answers. "i didn't know this was your violet," he says, nodding his head toward your kid. "she's a sweetheart. ball of energy too."

"you're telling me," you smile softly. violet walks over then, informing you that she's ready to go. you ask jen if there's anything else you can do, but she insists on you taking violet home.

"you've helped enough, believe me," jen tells you. "i'll see you tomorrow violet!"

"bye miss jen!" violet says with a smile. "bye mr. choi! i hope no one pukes on you tomorrow!"

jen waits for you and your kid to be far enough down the hall before she asks calmly. "so. how do you know y/n?"

"we, uh, we go way back," san says. "went to school together, college, all that."

"oh, so you like, really know her," jen says, a plan brewing in her head. she saw the way san looked at you. she also knows you're single. "you didn't know her kid went here?"

"didn't know she had a kid at all," san shakes his head, and he seems to get lost in a thought before he remembers what he came here for. "anyway, this kid today, you gotta tell him not to eat so much before pe..."

-

you and san didn't grow up together, exactly, but you have known him since high school. you floated around similar groups of friends, so you hung out regularly without ever getting too close. it wasn't until college that you actually became friends. you both went to a local school, at least as local as you can get for your small town. living in a city all by yourself was intimidating, but you weren't worried about not making friends. you knew they would come.

the day of your orientation, san saw you sitting by yourself in the auditorium and immediately recognized you. he brushed off his sweaty hands before walking over and softly calling your name. when you registered who he was, you smiled and invited him to sit next to you. both happy to see a familiar face, you spent the rest of orientation attached at the hip. in fact, you spent the rest of your time at school like that. san was your best friend, nothing more. he didn't always feel that way, but he did a good job of hiding his feelings. he was able to hide how he felt about you all the way up to the final semester of your senior year.

you were thriving, one of those seniors itching to finish school and get out into the real world. you knew you were just months away from a successful career, and you wouldn't let anything get in your way. you liked that you didn't know what was coming next or where you would end up after graduation. the prospect of moving to a new city, hell, maybe a new country, was exciting. this restlessness is what made san speak up. he was ready to graduate too, sure, but he was ready to get out of the city. san always wanted to be a teacher, and he already had offers all across the state, but the only job he cared about was in his hometown. it's where he wanted to be, and he knew that if he didn't tell you how he felt now, he may never get the chance. he wanted you to know so he could at least have a chance with you, even for a little while.

so he confessed, one night early in the semester. he was walking you home, his dorm only a few doors down from yours. at the door to your dorm he pulled you into a hug, which was normal for him. san was always a touchy friend, but what he said as he pulled away still bounces around in your head.

"y/n, i think i'm in love with you," he said earnestly. you looked in his eyes, trying to find the beginnings of a smile, some hint of a secret, that this was a joke. but he was serious. when you didn't say anything he shrugged, stepped away, and added, "i just wanted you to know."

you still don't know if it was shock or fear that kept you from saying anything that night, from calling his name and pulling him back in. but you didn't say anything then, you didn't say anything for months. san pretended like it never happened, and you just went along.

it didn't come up again until the going away party at the end of the year. school was over, finals done, and graduation was days away. everyone wanted to celebrate the past four years and freak out over what was next, all sharing where they were going and how scared they were. san was moving back home to be a teacher and wasn't scared at all. you were leaving for a bigger and better city the day after graduation and you were terrified.

later, san pulled you to the side and asked if you were ok. you knew he was referring to the job stuff, but you had other things on your mind. you were a little tipsy, so you decide that's why you leaned in and kissed him. it was quick, soft, barely a kiss, but you did it. you kissed him and pulled back faster than san could think, his eyes still closed when you parted and said, "i just wanted to know what it would feel like."

you were able to avoid him for the rest of the party, enjoying your last few hours with some of your best friends. you had an early morning, so you stopped drinking before everyone else and found yourself as a designated walker at the end of the night. you and san were elected to walk a few friends back to their dorms, dropping them off as you passed each building on your own walk home. inevitably, you were left alone with san at your door like that night months ago. san looked like he wanted to say something, and you didn't want him to leave, so instead of separating at the door you invited him in.

you'll never forget that night, and neither will san. but with your paths parting in a few days, you thought it would be something you could move on from eventually. a few weeks later, in your new city, at the perfect job, you found out you were pregnant. it hurt, the decision to not tell san, but the thought of stopping your life before it even started hurt more. you figured you would never see san again, or that you could at least keep the kid a secret if you ever hung out with your college friends again. you never thought that you'd somehow end up moving your daughter to the neighborhood where san grew up, or that the great school you fought to enroll her in could possibly be where san currently worked. but that's life, isn't it? or fate. or maybe just dumb luck. whatever it was, the universe was trying to get you to tell the truth and you're not sure you're ready to do that. to yourself, to violet, or to san.

-

san can't stop thinking about you. he tries so hard to catch a glimpse of you during carpool, but he's too busy focusing on a million other things and never manages to find you. he tries to think about how he could use violet to talk to you, like sending a note home with her, but that's inappropriate. he needs to see you again, though. that's when he gets an idea.

you and jen have become genuine friends, which has made things confusing for violet only because she treats jen like her teacher in casual settings. you met up for dinner the other night and violet raised her hand to ask jen a question, so hopefully she'll get used to it. san knows you two are close, and he knows if he asks jen about you she'll tell him whatever he wants to know.

at lunch one day he finds jen in the teacher's lounge and motions to the empty seat at her table. she lets him sit, but warns, "wooyoung saved the other seats for himself, so leave now if you want to."

wooyoung, one of the third grade teachers, was actually one of san's best friends. he's a hand full, yes, but fiercely loyal and caring. san doesn't necessarily want him to hear the conversation he wanted to have with jen, but oh well. as soon as san has that thought, wooyoung is bursting through the door with a stack of plastic containers from the lunchroom in his arms.

"m'lady," he nods to jen as he passes her a container. he looks to san and asks, "you want one bro?"

"what's in it?" san asks skeptically, and wooyoung shows off a stack of chicken sandwiches. "seriously?"

"hey, they're really good," jen pipes up. "the kids are lucky they get to eat these."

"how did you get so many?" san asks wooyoung as he takes a sandwich anyway.

"flirted with the lunch ladies."

"course you did," jen rolls her eyes, taking a bite of the sandwich. she chuckles to herself, and then shares, "you know, there's a kid in my class who calls these sammiches? no matter how many times you correct her, she won't say anything else. she told me this morning she didn't want to come to school, but she did because it was sammich day."

that's violet. san knows it is. he heard a snippet of your conversation in jen's classroom weeks ago, but he also knows he's heard violet say something similar when she comes to the gym. she loves those sandwiches, and san must admit, now that he's tried one he gets the hype. this is his shot though, he thinks to himself. he clears his throat and asks, "that's y/n's girl right?"

"who's y/n?" wooyoung asks, and jen responds, "san's girlfriend."

"no she's not," san says quickly. "she's kidding."

"you like her though?" wooyoung smirks, and san shakes his head.

"i-it's not like that," san explains. "i knew her a long time ago, and haven't seen her for a few years. that's all."

"so what about her?" jen asks.

"what do you mean?"

"well you brought her up," jen laughs. "you want me to tell her you asked about her? that feels very elementary of you, san."

"no, no, i was just, uh," san racks his brain for a response, "um, she's your room mom right? i may need to talk to her, for um, uh, field day."

"sure," jen nods. "i can give you her number, if you don't have it?"

"yeah, yeah," san nods too, "sure, if you think that'll be ok. i mean, i just needed to ask something, really quick, but, um, sure, yeah."

"if you really need to talk to her, she's coming in tomorrow i think," jen says, checking her phone. "yeah, tomorrow is violet's birthday, so y/n is bringing cupcakes at lunch. you can just stop by my class table and ask her whatever you need to ask her."

"oh, cool, great," san nods. wooyoung and jen share a quiet laugh, noticing that san seems like a bobblehead nodding so nervously. "yeah, tomorrow. lunch tomorrow. i'll be here."

-

you're running late. it's your kid's frickin birthday and you're late. you wanted to be supermom, make cupcakes from scratch, but work has been crazy on top of all the prep for violet's party, and you're just one woman. you can't do all of this by yourself, and it's times like these that you wish...no. that's not where you're going to let your mind wander today. today is all about violet, so as you rush out of the grocery store, you handle the store bought cupcakes with intense care. you can't be late and show up with smushed cupcakes.

thankfully this town is small enough that everything is within spitting distance, so you arrive at violet's school with just a few minutes left in her lunch. you hurry through the check in, rushing off to where you hope the lunchroom is. it would be just your luck to get lost right now, but you let out a breath of relief when you turn the corner and see the cafeteria ahead. you have to pause at the door to look for her class, and you hold back a sob when you see one very broad shouldered man sitting next to your beautiful daughter. you manage to walk up without violet seeing you, but at the sound of your footsteps, san turns. he smiles at you softly and he looks so much like violet it hurts. your eyes drift to your daughter, who's noticed you now and bounces in her seat.

"hey birthday girl," you say meekly, clearing your throat before you speak again. "how's your day been?"

"good!" violet smiles, showing you a half eaten vanilla cupcake with purple icing. "mr. choi brought me birthday cake!"

"aw, that's sweet," you say, looking to san. he's staring at you intensely as you ask, "did you tell him thank you?"

"i did!" violet confirms, but she turns to san and repeats, "thank you, it was yummy."

"do you have room for another?" you ask her, holding up the cupcakes you brought. violet already looks ready to bounce off the walls, so you'll have to apologize to jen later, but you ask if she wants to help pass out cupcakes to her friends. you hold the containers as she carefully hands out the treats, and you're pleased to know there were plenty of cupcakes for everyone. actually, there's some left over, so you start packing them up to take home but violet stops you.

"mommy, we need to give mr. choi one," she tells you, and you look to san sheepishly. "and there's one for you too, mommy!"

"i guess we're having cupcakes," you chuckle with san, offering him one of the last two cupcakes. "vi, can i take your spot?" she nods eagerly, letting you sit on the hilariously tiny lunch chair. you struggle balancing on it and look up to see san watching, trying not to laugh. violet is oblivious though, icing smeared all over her face as she talks to her friend across the table. "hey, no laughing. it's been a long day."

"sorry," san says, the remnants of a smile still on his face. "you doing alright?"

"i'm fine," you sigh slightly. you look at san again, really look at him, and you feel your heart constrict. "thank you for bringing her a cupcake."

"oh, sure," san says. "i didn't want to overstep, but jen told me yesterday, and i figured violet could at least take it home, but when i got here and didn't see, uh...you weren't here-"

"you can say it, i was late to my own kid's birthday," you laugh, rubbing your hand over your face. san finds himself staring at your fingers and something pops into his head.

"and again i ask, you doing alright?" he laughs with you. "being a parent must be hard."

"it has its bad days," you admit. "but for every bad day there's hundreds of good ones, so it makes the whole single parenting thing a little easier."

there it is. single. san looks down to your hands again, and has to hide his satisfied smirk. there's no ring.

"so, what-" san starts to ask, but the bell dings and the cafeteria erupts in even more sound. students talking, teachers yelling, chairs scraping as everyone is set in motion. jen walks over then, smiling when she sees you and san sat so close together. she waves hello before calling for her class, and you give violet a big squeezey hug and a kiss on the forehead before she takes her food and runs off. san watches you watching violet, and now it's his turn for his heart to twist. he's missed you. a lot.

"i guess i better go," you say as you gather all of the cupcake trash. san covers his hands over yours, stilling your movements and your heart, and says, "let me, i'll clean up."

"th-thank you san," you say shyly, and he waves you off. he can feel your eyes on him as he walks to the trash cans, and he can't help it, when he turns around he pulls a face that used to always make you laugh. his success rate is still high, because a beautiful giggle appears from deep within your chest, and then san is standing back in front of you. you know him, and you know there's something he wants to say, so you ask, "are you doing alright?"

"i'm fine," he nods, and you playfully push his shoulder. he smiles as he goes on, "actually, i was thinking about it, and i'll need your new number. for field day purposes, of course."

"oh," you breathe. "oh, right. room mom stuff. um, well unless you deleted my contact info, my number is the same."

"oh."

"yeah."

"right, then i guess i'm good," san says, looking around for any last bits of trash. "always good seeing you, y/n. tell violet happy birthday again from me."

"will do," you squeak out, calling out your thanks to him one last time as he walks away. you're left in the now silent lunchroom, heart and mind racing.

-

"i'm just saying, you and san would make a cute couple," jen repeats for what feels like the millionth time today. she's come over to your house early to help set up violet's birthday party, and you're thankful for the help but wishing the set up was less obvious. "you already know each other, so it's not like you'd have to go through that awkward dating phase-"

"did we put balloons on the mailbox already?" you cut through her words, grabbing a couple pink and purple balloons from the pile on the table. "i'll do that now, so people know which house it is. if vi wakes up, tell her i'll make birthday pancakes as soon as i'm done."

"will do," jen salutes you, taking the remaining balloons into the living room. "i'll tack these to the ceiling or something."

"please don't!" you call out before you shut the door, and you take a deep breath when you're outside alone. you don't know how to make jen stop talking about san, and it's draining. you've tried changing the subject and she always finds a way to bring san back into it. she means well, you know that. but what she doesn't know is that everything she says about san just rubs salt in the wound you inflicted on yourself, and it's getting harder to ignore. you're either going to snap and tell her to shut up, or you're going to snap and admit to what you've been hiding. either option isn't ideal, so fingers crossed violet wakes up soon and you can use her as a buffer.

tying the balloons to your mailbox ended up being more of an ordeal than you thought, so it takes you a while to trudge back into the house. you're tired already and the party hasn't started yet. you're making another cup of coffee when you realize the house is quiet, no sounds of jen and no sounds of vi. you let the coffee pot run as you walk around in search of the girls, and you hear a faint noise coming from the backyard. a peek through the window shows jen and violet running streamers from the back porch to vi's playset, and your heart warms. while they're outside, you get to work on the birthday pancakes in peace. you're almost done with them when you get a call, groaning to yourself thinking it's a parent calling about the party. you don't check the name before you answer, letting out a perfectly nice, "hello?"

"y/n, hi," san says on the other line. "is this a bad time?"

"um, n-no," you stammer, "it's um, no, i can talk. just for a minute."

"if you're busy i can call back-"

"no, san, go ahead," you insist. "just be warned i'm making pancakes, so i am a little distracted."

"oh yeah, you used to suck at those," san teases, and for a moment you're thrown back to college. you remember san staying over at your dorm, claiming he was too drunk to walk the fifteen steps down the hall. you let him crash on your floor, and he woke up to an awful hangover and the sound of you cursing over your batch of blackened pancakes. trying to be nice, san tried one anyway. you'll never forget the way you both belly laughed after he lied and said they were good with a look of fear in his eyes. later he admitted he'd never had something so bad, and you swore to never make pancakes again. san obviously remembers, because he asks, "what made you stop the pancake ban?"

"they're for vi's birthday."

"her birthday was on tuesday i thought?"

"yeah, but we're having her party today," you explain, and then you clap your hand to your forehead. you shouldn't have said anything.

"oh then i won't keep you," san says quickly. there's something strange in his voice, but you're so far removed from him that you can't pick up on it. "i hate to call about school stuff on the weekend, but this is the only time i had..."

while san explains the reason for his call (room mom duties + he missed you, but he leaves that part out), jen and violet come in from the backyard. streamers are done, and violet is wearing a torn one around her neck like a scarf. you wave her over for a hug and a kiss, and jen mouths, "who are you talking to?" so you show your phone screen. she gasps when she sees it's san, and it's like you're watching a lightbulb spring from her head. she's got an idea.

"invite him to the party!" jen hisses, and you push her away.

"is that the birthday girl?" san asks, and there's a softness in his voice that makes you melt. "do you need to go?"

"no, just one of the birthday elves being annoying," you grumble, trying to elbow away from jen but she grabs your phone anyway and says a cheery hello to her coworker.

"hey san! happy saturday," she starts off. "listen, are you doing anything around, say, one o'clock?"

"uh, not that i can think of-"

"great! then i'll have y/n text you her address, you should come to violet's party. there's plenty of food, and we'd love to see you!" jen says with an evil smile plastered on her face.

"um, can you hand me back to y/n?" san asks, and jen relinquishes your phone then disappears.

"san, you do not have to come if you don't want to, jen is-"

"jen's what!?" jen shouts from somewhere within your house.

"i want to come," san says, and you're so surprised you almost drop the pancake you're trying to flip. "if that's ok."

"i..." you trail off, and then you look at violet. sweet, lovely violet. you would do anything for that girl, but you know she deserves more. she deserves both parents, and the little part of you that's been wondering if san's reappearance was a sign is the part that wins you over. you say, "yeah, come to the party. i want you here."

"then i'm there," san says, and you can hear his smile. "should i bring a present?"

"no, god, don't worry about that. girl's spoiled already, she doesn't need another toy," you tell him, and san laughs.

"alright. then text me the address, and i'll see you soon i guess."

"yeah, see you soon," you mumble as you hang up and look around for jen. she's rightfully hiding somewhere, but violet's voice distracts you as she asks who you were talking to. "well sugar, i have an extra birthday surprise for you," you say as you plate her pancakes. "mr. choi might be coming to your party, is that ok?"

"mr. choi?!" violet shrieks as she stands in her chair. you remind her not to do that and she listens, but she looks at you and asks, "for seriously? he's my favorite teacher."

"hey," jen whines as she rejoins you, throwing away the remnants of wrapping paper in her hands. "and to think i got you the biggest coolest birthday present ever."

"really?" you and violet ask in unison, and jen nods enthusiastically at your daughter. when she joins you at the sink she whispers, "i didn't go overboard."

"yes you did," you whisper back.

"what did san want?" jen asks with that evil smile again, and you try to elbow her side but she darts away too quickly.

"i had told him about the game the kinder moms wanted our grade to do for field day, and he forgot what supplies it needed," you explain. "so he was calling about that, and the call was almost over when someone interrupted."

"y/n, listen," jen says sternly, and you both look over to violet to make sure she's distracted. jen keeps her voice down as she continues, "he likes you. don't ask me how i know, but i know. and the way you get so nervous around him, i know it sounds childish, but i think you have a crush on him-"

"jen," you say seriously. "please stop. you don't know what you're doing."

"no, y/n, you don't know what you're doing!" jen says, and you step back. "no, i don't mean it like that. i just mean, you said you were having a hard time doing this on your own. it may not be my place, but i think san could help. he'd be good for you and violet."

"you remember how san and i were friends years ago?" you ask, and jen nods, about to add to her case, but you cut her off. "we were close. really close."

"did you kiss?" jen asks excitedly and you roll your eyes.

"will you focus?" you smile anyway, and add, "we spent most of our time together, but then life stuff changed. we went in completely different directions, and it was just easier to say goodbye and go our separate ways. that was five years ago. well, six, now i guess," you correct yourself, your eyes betraying you as they flick back over to violet.

"oh my god," jen gasps. "no."

"yes."

"no way."

"yes."

"you're a liar."

"mommy's not a liar," violet chimes in, and you let out a sound somewhere between a laugh and a cry. "miss jen, that wasn't very nice."

"i'm sorry violet, you're right," jen says calmly. she looks closely at violet and then to you. "but sometimes what's right is hard to do."

"i know that," you sigh. "believe me. but we can talk about this later."

"you bet your ass we are!"

"miss jen!"

"sorry, sorry!"

-

you and jen do a good job of ignoring the truth bomb you set off just before guests started arriving, but knowing san will be here soon keeps you on edge all day. violet is having the time of her life, which takes a little bit of pressure off of you at least. you just have to play host to your family and friends all while keeping one eye on the door for san.

he arrives just past one. you heard the doorbell from the backyard, but as you're walking through the house you see your aunt opening the door for him. it opens to a stunning version of the man you've tried so hard to hide from, and just looking at him makes you blush. he's dressed casually, but nicer than the work out clothes you see him in at the school. jeans and a sweater, and glasses. san never wore glasses in school, and you're wondering why this news is making your stomach flip. when san finds you, his face lights up. he makes his way around a group of kids and pulls you into a polite hug, mumbling his greeting into your hair. you wish time would stop for a moment, let you stay in his hold a second longer. but he's pulling away and shyly presenting a gift bag, his sheepish eyes saying "sorry but not sorry."

"i told you not to bring anything," you scoff, taking the gift over to the present table anyway.

"it's something small, but i think she'll like it," san says, and you thank him. it's awkward for a second as you both search for something to say, but in the quiet san reaches to push his glasses further up his nose and you smile.

"so you getting old, choi?" you tease him, pointing to the glasses. "how long have you needed those for?"

"just a couple years," san shrugs. "i don't mind them, but it's easier to wear contacts at work. i actually like the way they look."

"they're cute," you agree, and you feel your heart thudding in your chest as san processes the compliment. he looks around your house then, and he distractedly puts an arm around you in another hug as he says, "your house is great, by the way. you've really made a life for yourself, y/n." he looks at you while he says the next part, "i hope you're proud of yourself."

"i am," you nod, suddenly very aware of how many people are here and possibly looking at you two. you feign a cough and san gets the hint. he pulls away and you immediately feel cold, but you catch a glimpse of jen eyeing you in the corner of the room. you shake off whatever was distracting you because of the man at your side, and you're about to excuse yourself to find violet when the woman in question appears below you.

"mr. choi!!!" she shouts as she jumps in place. "you're here!"

"i am!" he replies, holding hands and jumping with violet. "are you having fun?"

"yeah! cmere, i wanna show you my swings!" she says excitedly, and then san is being dragged outside. you follow at a safe distance, wanting to see how they interact without making it too obvious you're watching san and not your kid. some of the school kids present recognize a big kid in san and soon he's got a whole herd following him around. you laugh seeing him be so silly, so freely himself with these kids, and you wonder if this is what he's like as a teacher. then you find your mind wandering to what san would be like as a dad. you know he'd be great, so what are you doing?

you know you have to tell him. you see the way violet is smiling and laughing, and you can't keep this kind of joy from her anymore. you don't know when, and you don't know how, but you will tell san that he's the father of your daughter.

-

violet's birthday party was perfect. she had an amazing time, her friends had an amazing time, and you had an amazing time. with san. he fit back into your life perfectly, and as you were saying your goodbyes at the end of the night, you had the intense desire to kiss him. you didn't, but that's only because jen came over with a sleepy violet that she thrust into your arms. you and san were cooing over the tired party girl and jen inconspicuously snapped a picture of the three of you. you and san, looking down at violet with so much love in your eyes, and violet smiling her biggest smile. jen texted it to you later and you were grateful to have this moment captured forever.

you were staring at that photo now, waiting for violet to finish getting ready for school. you weren't really paying attention to the time, caught up in admiring san. you felt a sense of calm and safety when you thought of him, looked at him, and you're kicking yourself for keeping that same feeling from violet's life. you were so distracted by your thoughts that you didn't hear violet walk up, so you almost jumped out of your skin when she says, "whatcha doooin?" directly into your ear.

"oh baby you scared me," you gasp. she giggles and points to your phone.

"you were staring at mr. choi!"

"i was not," you roll your eyes, but she nods and goes, "yeah huh."

"i'm not getting into a yeah huh nuh uh fight with you right now," you say as you ruffle her hair. "you ready for school?" it's then that you give her a once over and screw your face up in confusion. "where's that shirt from? i don't remember buying you that."

"it was my gift from mr. choi, 'member?" violet says proudly as she shows it off.

"yeah, yeah, i guess i do," you reply. "you wanted to wear it to school?"

"so i can tell him thank you," she says simply, and you place a soft kiss on her forehead. your sweet girl.

"i'm sure he'll be happy to see it. c'mon, let's go."

-

san had an awful morning. none of the classes would listen to him, half of his equipment for this unit was broken or missing, and apparently he was getting evaluated this afternoon. nothing was wrong, it was just protocol, but why did he find out about it two hours before it was supposed to happen? he was stressed, unprepared, and wearing a t shirt that apparently has a hole in the armpit. one of the unruly classes so kindly pointed that out for him. so yeah, it's been a bad day. that's why he sat down at lunch with a huff, interrupting whatever jen and wooyoung had been talking about prior to his dramatic entrance.

"what's wrong with you?" wooyoung asks bluntly, and san scoffs.

"one of those days where i'm considering child abandonment."

"san!" jen gasps.

"i'm joking, chill out," he sighs. "i just. can today be over? i'd like it to be over. or can i get a redo? that might be better, considering i have an eval today i know i'm not gonna pass."

"if you go into it like that then duh you're gonna do bad," jen says. "but it hasn't even happened yet, so why be so negative?"

"whatever," san huffs again, poking at his food like it's the root of his bad day. "how has your day been."

"great, my kids are angels and i love my job," wooyoung jokes, so san kicks him under the table.

"your class was the first one to put me in a bad mood this morning."

"yeah, because i told them i accidentally killed our class pet."

"wooyoung!" jen gasps again.

"accidentally!"

"how'd you manage that?" san asks with the beginnings of a smile on his face. not that he was laughing over the death of a very tiny pet, no. but he did enjoy seeing wooyoung making mistakes. makes the world go round, he thinks.

"i forgot to take it home for the weekend and i came in this morning to bob the beta fish belly up," wooyoung explains. he raises his carton of strawberry milk in a toast, which san and jen play along with. "he didn't live long, i didn't like him, and the kids barely knew he was there. bob, may you rest in peace."

"this isn't making me feel better," san whines as they clink their drinks together.

"oh!" jen says happily, "i have something!" she shuffles around looking for her phone, and excitedly pulls something up for san to see. she shoves the screen so close to his face he can barely see anything, so he takes her phone and blinks to let his eyes adjust. he smiles immediately when he realizes it's the picture of him, you, and violet. he's so mesmerized by your beauty, all these years later, that it takes him a minute to shift his focus to the equally beautiful violet squeezed between you. she's perfect, san thinks. if he had a kid, he'd want her to be just like violet: kind, funny, full of energy and life.

"who is that?" wooyoung asks, pushing his face close to san's to catch a glimpse. "ooo, is that your milf?"

it's jen's turn to kick him underneath the table, but san must admit, that was a little funny. he doesn't answer right away, though. something about the picture has caught his attention.

"no," jen says sternly since san has gone mute. "that's my friend y/n and her kid violet, we've talked about them before. san came to her birthday party this weekend."

"the milf?!"

"no!" jen repeats. "violet. i helped y/n with the party, and since she and san go way back, i kinda invited san without her knowing."

"nice," wooyoung nods. "good. get him into the house, and then into her heart. maybe the pants too-"

"dude," san finally cuts in. "what's wrong with you?"

"you two are boring me," he sighs. "sue me if i wanted to have a little fun with our conversation."

"you took this?" san asks jen, ignoring wooyoung now. she says yes, so he asks, "can i send it to myself? do you think y/n would mind?"

"no, i think that's fine," jen replies with a smile. "go ahead."

"thanks," san mumbles, typing his number in quickly to send the photo. he doesn't want to seem weird, sitting here staring at it, but there's still something he can't quite put his finger on. something familiar about it. not quite deja vu, but like he's seen this before. he hands jen's phone back to her, and she continues some inane argument with wooyoung as san checks his phone. huh, he thinks, taking one last look at the photo as he saves it to his library. violet sure has a nice smile.

-

san's day does not get better. the evaluation was mediocre at best, but the assistant principal doing the visit pulled him aside and promised better equipment in the new year. at least one good thing came out of this awful day.

well, two good things. san keeps opening his phone just to stare at that picture of himself with you and violet. his desire to patch things up with you only continues to grow, and he's been thinking about you so much that he swears he hears your voice calling his name at the end of the day. then a squeakier, tinier voice joins in, and san realizes, oh shit, you and violet are in his office.

"hey, sorry," he shakes his head to clear his thoughts. "god, sorry. how long were you standing there?"

"not long," you assure him. "i hope we're not bothering you?"

"not at all," he says as he stands. violet runs up to him then, turning from side to side with her hands clasped in front of her. san laughs, looking from her to you as he asks, "what's going on?"

"vi had a surprise for you, and she forgot she didn't have pe today so she got into the car crying because you didn't get to see it," you explain. "we turned around as soon as i got the story, and now we're here. do you recognize her shirt at all?"

"oh my god!" san smiles, violet joining in. san bends down to pick her up and swings her around to the sound of giggles. "you're wearing my present! do you like it?"

"i do!" she chirps, hiccuping a little as the giggles continue. san slows and carefully places her back down as she says, "thank you for coming to my party."

"thank you for inviting me," san replies, and you realize he's talking to you. you consider telling him now, you can feel his gaze pulling the words right out of you, but you chicken out.

"thank jen," you remind him. "she's the one who ambushed me."

"ambush?" san laughs nervously. "i hope me coming over wasn't an ambush."

"i shouldn't have said that," you shake your head. "i just." you take a deep breath. "it's been hard, you know, seeing you again. getting used to you being back in my life."

"happy to be here," san says coolly, and you pick up on the undertones. you knew he must have been upset with you, only wanting him when you couldn't have him. he'd given you so many chances to be his, but you grasped the last one. san was mad at himself first, and he's not mad at you per se, but the memory of that still hurts. he could have been in your life, violet's life, this whole time. it was you who kept the door bolted shut. now it's like there's little cracks filtering in bits of sunlight, and you're basking in them. you're just afraid that the warmth you feel from san now will burn you someday, that your past will be too hard to get over, and you can't tell him about violet until you know how he really feels.

"listen, we should go, but i want to hang out with you soon," you tell him, and san looks at you confused. "we need to catch up, don't you think?"

"sure," san agrees. "let me know where to be and when, i'll make it work."

-

that friday night, you have a babysitter (jen) and plans to meet san for dinner. jen is already here, you can hear her and violet whispering about something in the living room as you finish getting ready. this is not a date, but you're so nervous it might as well be. you could end up telling san tonight, if things go right. and if they go wrong...that's what's making you so nervous. the anxious side of you is already thinking of schools you can move violet to if the night goes bad, and the optimist is thinking about san finally being a dad to violet.

it's like he knew you were thinking about him, because his caller id lights up your phone (yes, his contact photo is that picture).

"you're cancelling," you say as soon as you pick up.

"what? no, freak," san chuckles. "i'm outside, but i'm sorry, i can't remember if your house has the red door or the blue one."

"you're what?" you ask, walking from your room to the front door. jen and violet watch on in curiosity, and you let out a sound of disbelief when you open the door to see san, standing by his car, looking from your house to the one next door.

"oh. found it," he teases, hanging up as he comes to the door. "you're not ready yet?"

"no, because i thought we were meeting there, i had more time," you say as you check your phone and notice you actually did not have time. "ok, i thought i had more time, but still. you didn't say you were picking me up."

"surprise?" san says sheepishly, peeking inside to wave to the girls.

"hi mr. choi!" they respond in unison, and san chuckles again.

"um, well, i wasn't expecting- i still have to-" you stammer out, basically turning in circles before staring back up at san. "give me two minutes."

"two? it'll be more like ten," san calls after you. you sort of sprint back to your room, checking that you look put together. your eyes look nervous, though. you hope san can't pick up on that. you grab your favorite necklace, one that violet picked out for you recently, and hold onto the heart pendant as you take a deep breath. you can do this. it's just san, your old pal! your friend! the father of your daughter who has no idea his life could have been completely different or that it's going to change with the information you're about to give him! great! let's go eat some tacos!

you and san both give violet hugs goodbye (she insisted) and jen says goodbye with a wiggle of her eyebrows. she thinks this is a date, and she spent an appropriate amount of time hyping you up tonight. she's known san more recently, so she gave you good insight on the whole telling him situation. she assured you that, while he may be frustrated by you not telling him sooner, under it all he'll be happy. he's wanted a family of his own since he started working at the school, so she's sure he'll be nothing but thrilled once the initial shock wears off. boy do you hope she's right.

-

san is being such a gentleman. first picking you up, then rushing out of the car to open your door for you, pulling your chair out at the restaurant...it's making this feel like a date. it's also making you scared that you're going to chicken out, but you can't.

"so," san says with a :] smile. "what did you want to talk about?" you take a moment to mess with the chips and salsa in front of you before you respond. you're taking so long that san takes a deep breath and starts, "i hope you know i'm not mad at you."

"what?" you ask in a small voice, chip halfway to your mouth.

"i'm not mad at you," san goes on. "i never was. i hope you know that."

"but i was a dick," you tell him, and he lowers his head with a laugh. you want him to listen to you though, so you grab his hand laid out on the table and squeeze. "no, seriously, that was such an asshole move on my part. only letting down my walls and letting you in the night before we both moved away? i've never forgiven myself for that."

"but you should," san shrugs. "i understand. i'm glad it happened. if i had to choose, i'd rather it happen the exact same way than not happen at all."

"right," and now it's your turn to look down. you let go of san's hand and go back to messing with the food in front of you. "i'm still sorry for how i acted."

"it's ok, i promise," san assures you. you aren't looking at him so he clears his throat and says, "actually, while we're talking about...back then. i have something to tell you too." oh no, you think. you nod to encourage him to continue, not sure you can speak right now. "um, well, here goes. i know it's been years, and we've barely talked since school, but..i don't know, y/n. i still think you're the one for me, and i was just wondering, maybe, since we're both in the same town again, and we see each other so often..."

"what, san?" you whisper, afraid of what he's going to say.

"will you go out with me?" he asks. "finally?"

"san," you sigh, and he shakes his head.

"no, don't say no yet. you can think about it. i know you have a lot more to consider than i do, so i don't mind waiting. but i wanted to put it out there. in case, uh, in case you were interested."

"put it out there? why are you talking about this like a couch you're trying to get rid of?" you tease him to ease the tension. "you just asked me out and now you sound like you're not sure."

"i'm sure," san says firmly. "very sure. but i don't want you to feel pressured."

"you've never made me feel anything but loved, san," you let slip, and you want to etch the look on his face into your memory forever. he looks so pleased, so purely happy at your words. they're hanging in the air as the waiter comes by to take your order, and that provides enough of a distraction that you both go back to a semblance of normalcy when he leaves. you fall into an easy conversation, catching up over your lost years. san tells you all about work, his family, his friends. it makes you happy that you chose this town, this school, to raise your kid in.

you fill san in too, but only the highlights. you don't want to ruin your dinner with the news, so you tell him about your career since he knows the least about that. he can't stop telling you how proud he is, and reiterates how amazing you are for raising a kid on top of it. you've got a steady blush on your cheeks as you keep chatting, and you notice then that the meal is over. your plates have been cleared for a while, and san paid without you knowing. how'd he do that?

"i was going to pay for my food," you protest.

"nope, my treat," san says. "let someone else take care of you for once."

"well thanks," you squeak out. "i've got you next time though."

"if there's a next time, i'm still paying," san replies so you roll your eyes and drop it for now. "um, before we go though, i was wondering...can i ask about violet? i feel like you barely mentioned her."

"oh, sorry," you laugh it off. "i don't get a chance to talk about myself a lot, so i'm not saying i forgot to mention vi, i just..."

"i get it," san nods in understanding. "you wanted to brag about yourself for a minute, that's ok. i'm glad you did."

"good," you smile shyly. "but, yeah, violet. what about her?"

"i wanna hear as much as you're willing to tell me," san says, and looking into your eyes, you know he means the father. "was there some great love of your life you don't want to tell me about?"

"san, it's not like that," you tell him, then think to yourself that in a way it is true. you think san is the love of your life, but you can't say that yet. "right, well, i have something to tell you, actually," you say in a voice stronger than you expected. you thought you'd be nervous, but it's like some mom power kicks in and you're able to stare directly into san's strong, gorgeous eyes as you speak. "can i?" you motion to his hands, and he holds them out so you can place your smaller ones in his. still looking into the eyes you've grown to love, you take a deep breath and say, "i'm sorry i didn't tell you sooner. but san, you're violet's dad. she's your daughter."

"what?" he asks in a shaky voice.

"when we.." you try to explain, and have to start over, "that night. five years ago-"

"six," san corrects.

"six, you're right. that night was when she...yeah. i found out about violet a month later, after i had moved. i tried calling you. i did, i swear, and i know that sounds so childish but it's the truth. i tried calling you, tried figuring out how to tell you...but i heard how happy you were, how easy it was for you to settle into your life back at home. i didn't want to throw something unexpected at you and change all of that."

you rambled, and you're not sure how easy that was to follow. or how believable it was either, but you've said it. you're watching san take it in, and he's unnervingly calm. you can't read his face at all, but you realize you've been squeezing his hands and he's squeezing yours right back. you relax your grip then, but he doesn't. he stays quiet.

"san, say something."

"th-thank you," he stutters, finally slipping his hands out of yours. "thanks for protecting me from that, i guess."

"san, i-"

"no, y/n, it's fine," he shakes his head and stands. "come on, let's go. it's getting late."

-

the car ride is silent. san says nothing, but you can feel the emotions radiating from him. or maybe those are your own? fear, resentment, sadness...you always thought telling san the truth would make everything better. make you feel at peace at last. but currently you feel more ill at ease than you ever have. you want to crawl out of your skin, you want to scream at yourself, at san, just to get some kind of reaction out of him.

when he pulls into your driveway, he puts the car in park but doesn't unlock the door. you can tell he wants to say something, so you wait. you think you see jen peeking through the blinds, but you're not sure. a quick glance at the clock tells you violet's been in bed for a while, but knowing jen she probably let her stay up a little longer. you hope she's still awake when you go in, you could really use a hug from her right now.

"y/n," san calls your name softly. you turn your body completely so he can see you fully, and you see he's gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles are white. "does she know?"

"huh?"

"violet," san says her name so carefully, so purposefully. like it's taken on a new meaning. "does violet now i'm her dad?"

"n-no," you stutter, and san slumps his head down. "but i told her about you. about her dad."

"she looks just like me," he says, and that's when you notice the sadness in his voice. he sounds broken, and it feels like your heart rips itself to shreds.

"san, i am so sor-"

"don't. just don't." you watch him carefully, and you think you see tears. "i can't..."

"can't what?" you want to reach out and touch him, to brush the tears away, but you hesitate.

"i can't believe you kept this from me," he says in a whisper so small you barely heard it.

"i was young and stupid and scared, san," you defend yourself. "i didn't know what i was doing, i should have tried harder to get in touch but-"

"i didn't get to be there y/n," he spits out, and you stop talking as he turns to you. "i missed her birth, her first steps, her first words. i wasn't in her life! she's my kid and you kept her from me for some of the most important years of her life."

"i know, and i'm..i'm sorry."

"sorry doesn't cut it." he's full on crying now. "i thought...i thought you cared about me. about what we meant to each other. how could you do this?"

"i was wrong to keep you away," you admit. "it ate me alive every day, but the longer i waited the harder it was to call you. and this is totally self inflicted but raising a kid on my own was hard! after i made that choice i barely had time to think about anything else!" you're shouting now, not out of anger, but frustration. "it was selfish, and i'm sorry. but i told you. you've always been part of violet's life. i tell her about her dad all the time. she asks about you, and i've never lied to her. i only kept your name, who you are to me, a secret."

"yeah that makes me feel so much better," san rolls his eyes, and you scoff before reaching over him to unlock the doors. as soon as you do, you're out of the car and rushing to your front door, san running behind you calling your name.

you get into the house and see jen moving around in the kitchen, but no signs of violet. san has stopped behind you, standing awkwardly at the threshold, so you grab his shirt and pull him along with you into violet's room. at the sound of the door opening she bolts up in bed. she looks confused, seeing two figures in her doorway, but when she recognizes you she makes little grabby hands for you to join her. again, san stays at the door, watching the two of you with a new perspective.

"cmere sugar," you whisper softly, sitting on violet's bed. you maneuver her so she's sitting on your lap.

"why is mr. choi here?" she asks, and you hear san take in a breath.

"his name is san, violet. and he's very important to me," you explain. violet is facing san as you ask, "can you tell us all you know about your daddy?" she nods, and then begins.

"mommy says he's very nice, the nicest man in the world!" violet starts out. "she says he's smart and strong and funny and handsome. she says i have his smile!" and with this she smiles, teeth and all, and san sees himself in her. it brings tears to his eyes, but she keeps going. "mommy says he's caring, and i had to ask what that meant. she says being caring means you're a good friend and you're nice to everybody. that reminds me of you, mr. san!"

"anything else baby?" you ask violet, stroking her hair. "what else do we say about daddy?"

"we love him very much," violet answers proudly. "and even if he's not with us, like in the same house or something, he's always right here!" and with that she puts her hand over her heart. she looks up at you then, asking, "did i miss anything mommy?"

"nope, you got it all sugar," and you kiss the top of her head, afraid to meet san's eyes. "thank you, violet. are you ready to go back to bed now?"

"yeah, but i want a bedtime story," she pouts, and you wonder if san notices how similar they look then too. "babysitter jen does too many funny voices, and one of them scared me."

"ok, i'll read you a story," you whisper, slowly and carefully dumping her back into bed as you stand. "but i need to talk to san really quick, is that ok?"

"uh huh," violet nods with a yawn, cuddling back up to her favorite stuffie. as san looks around her room, he notices a pillow he used to have, tucked in the corner of violet's bed. he used to call it shiber, it was something silly, but he loved that thing in college. it went missing the week before school ended, and san always wondered where it went. well, now he knows.

you carefully pull violet's door shut as the two of you back out into the hallway. the rest of the house is quiet, so you wonder briefly if jen has gone home. you look to san, ready to defend yourself further, get him to understand where you're coming from, but then you see the tears on his cheeks. now you do reach up and wipe them away, his hands covering yours and squeezing tightly.

"i am so sorry for keeping you away," you say one last time. "it was wrong. it will take time, but i will do everything i can to make that up to you."

"you can do it right now," san breathes out, the first easy breath he's taken since this conversation started. "let me be in her life. in yours. i missed so much, i can't miss anymore of it."

"we're here if you want us," you tell him, and san squeezes your hands again before pulling them from his face. he drapes your arms over his shoulders, his drifting to your waist.

"i do," he nods eagerly. "i want you." and with that, he kisses you. it's not a soft kiss, no. there's more force behind it than that. there's six years (maybe more) of repressed feelings in that kiss. it's the kind of kiss that makes you want to pop your foot up, the kind that sends butterflies soaring up from your stomach through your chest. you're so lost in the feeling that you don't hear violet's door open, and then...

"oh! mommy! mr. san is biting you!" violet shrieks, so you and san finally detach. you keep your foreheads together as you look down at violet staring disapprovingly at you.

"he's not biting me, we were kissing," you explain to her, but she doesn't like that answer.

"hey, i got in trouble for kissing a boy on the playground," she whines, and san looks at you in shock. you nod to confirm as you tell her, "that's because you shouldn't kiss at school. and you're too young. you can kiss when you're-"

"thirty," san finishes for you, making you both laugh as violet whines more.

"i was just gonna say when she's older," you whisper to him, and he shrugs.

"had to assert my parenting style somehow."

"why are you and mr. san whispering?" violet asks with a jump and her arms in the air. you're about to pick her up when san bends down and scoops her instead, so you can talk to her eye level.

"we're talking about you," you say as you boop her nose. "and stop calling him mr. san."

"what do i call him then?" she pouts, and you share your first silent parent language stare with san.

"actually baby, we have something we need to tell you..."

#san #ateez #ateez san #choi san #choi san fic #choi san fluff #choi san angst #? #choi san one shot #choi san imagine #choi san x reader #ateez x reader #ateez fic #ateez one shot #ateez fluff #ateez imagine #san fic #san fluff #san imagine #san one shot #ateez angst

[room-surprise]

Hey! Fun question, how do you think an in-canon kabumisu confession would go? People keep portraying mithrun as blunt and straightforward about their relationship, but would he be scared to tell kabru in the chance that he'd say no and leave? Is the desire to just be in a relationship with kabru, or is the desire of not wanting to scare him off greater than that? I'm so starved on the lack of post-canon kabumisu content, they make me go crazy

As usual, I'll try not to go into TOO much detail because then I won't be motivated to write fic about it... and I AM planning to write a post-canon Kabumisu fic anon, so don't worry. I'll get there eventually :3

They make me go crazy too 😔

I think Mithrun's a complicated guy with complicated emotions. Even when he was "empty" in the dungeon he actually showed a lot of feelings - smug satisfaction, annoyance, anger, even a little bit of subtle happiness.

So while I DO think he will still be blunt in general, I also think it's a mistake to assume that means he doesn't feel things and won't have anxieties and insecurities just like any other person.

Mithrun used to be WILDLY insecure, and jealous, and paranoid. He just stopped caring about anything, but if, like the end of the manga suggests, he is going to try to START caring again, he will then start to have feelings, too.

I think Mithrun is intensely aware of his own "undesirability", that's one of the reasons he's BEEN so depressed. Most of his self-worth before the dungeon hinged on being "better" than his brother, and better than other people. Then he looses that (or maybe he was never actually better at all!), so what does he have left? And now his youth is gone too, he's middle-aged and lost his "best years" to depression. He's disabled, he's scarred, he's a bastard that nobody wants.

It's a pretty huge fall from "most eligible bachelor in the empire"!

So I think no, he won't just bluntly tell Kabru that he likes him. It will take Mithrun awhile to realize how he feels, and once he does, he'll be afraid to reach out, so he's going to do what I call "playing silly little elf games". He's going to try and flirt via writing letters and sending gifts, to hint that he likes Kabru.

Luckily for Mithrun, Kabru also knows how to play Silly Little Elf Games (he's an Olympic champion), so he picks up the signals and starts reciprocating, though he's also uncertain and worried that he's misunderstanding. Captain Mithrun couldn't be flirting with him, could he? But... what if he is?

(I will go into Kabru's feelings at a later date anon i promise.)

I think the thing that will ultimately push Mithrun to act is the fear that he'll miss his chance. Mithrun realizes Kabru is a limited time deal that he can only enjoy for the next 60-something years, and he wants every minute of that time for himself, no matter how much it will someday hurt to lose Kabru.

And he also knows that Kabru is very handsome and charming, and he can't expect Kabru to wait for Mithrun to get himself figured out. Someone else will swoop in and snatch that man up, so Mithrun has to hurry.

ALL OF THAT SAID... I think their confession is a lot less of a confession, and much more "we have both been picking up these signals of interest for months/years, and finally one of us pushes it a little bit further than we've ever pushed it before and we acknowledge the unspoken thing that has been growing between us."

Maybe it's a hand resting on someone's leg, or a gentle touch on the arm. Maybe it's leaning in so their shoulders touch. Maybe it's looking into each other's eyes a little bit longer than normal.

Probably it involves both of them admitting "Spending time with you makes me happier than anything else in the world. Whenever we're apart all I think about is when I'm going to see you again. I spend hours composing letters to you in my mind. I want us to spend our days together, no matter what shape that takes."

It's very vulnerable and scary for both of them, and I think they're both DEEPLY relieved after they finally get it out, and they don't get rejected. They know each other so well, and they're so good at reading people - they both thought that the other might feel the same way, but it's so scary to take that leap of faith and hope that they're right.

And just for the record, I think that Kabru worries about if Mithrun will be interested in sex or not, because sex is something that matters to Kabru, but what if Mithrun just doesn't have any desire for it?

And so before they get into a relationship Kabru has a long hard think about it, and decides that even if they never have sex, he wants to be in a romantic relationship with Mithrun anyway, because just being around him makes him feel happy, and understood, and like he isn't alone anymore. There's someone who sees him as he is, all the good and the bad, and says "I love you anyway."

And Kabru decides that he's willing to just jerk off for the rest of his life if that's the price of this relationship that he wants.

Luckily for Kabru, I think Mithrun does want to have sex with him, but I like to think that Kabru thinks through all the possibilities and decides that no matter what they end up doing together, being with Mithrun is worth it.

#dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #dunmeshi #kabru #mithrun #kabumisu #my stuff #kabrun #analysis #headcanon

[bigification]

Fit to Fat to Fit - Male TF

Nate stood in his bathroom, staring at his own reflection. "What have you become?" He asked himself. His untamed hair. His big ball belly. His moobs. It physically and mentally weighed him down. He grabbed a measuring tape and wrapped it around his gut. "48 inches, a new high. I'm truly at rock bottom."

He spent a few more minutes poking and prodding at his fat. Being more and more depressed as he discovered new rolls of fat and bulges that stuck out farther than they did before. He then pulled out his phone and started looking at photos of himself from years prior. He landed on one from 3 years ago. He had taken a selfie of himself in a jockstrap.

"That was the beginning of the end for me." Nate stared at the photo. It was taken just after he stopped playing hockey, though he never lost the appetite he had while he played. "Man I thought I was so fat in this photo. It was the first time I realized I was getting fat, but if he could see me now I don't think he would feel so bad. Or maybe he would feel worse knowing this is where he ends up in three years." Nate can't help but to spiral. He thinks of what he could have done differently. Maybe if he just stayed in hockey, or if he just slowed down on his eating after hockey. Maybe he wouldn't end up like this.

In the middle of Nate's spiral of self pity, his boyfriend Andres walked into the bathroom. He noticed the measuring tape on the counter and picked it up.

"You shouldn't worry about it so much, it happens when you're in your thirties and you have an office job." He said trying to cheer Nate up."

"That's not helping. Besides can't you just do your weird magic thing and make us skinny and hot again." Nate sulked.

"For one, I promised never to use that on us. And also you're hot now so why bother." Nate just sulked in response. "Look, if it makes you feel better, I know the feeling." Andres continued. "Before we met, I was so hot, so fit. I was even an underwear model, although that was due in part to me using my power to make myself skinny. But that's beside the point." He pulled up a photo of him from before the two had met and showed it to Nate.

"The point is that I fell in love with a beautiful man with amazing cooking and now look at me. In a couple years I turned into a fatass with a beer belly and I couldn't be happier." Andres gave his gut a jiggle.

Nate seemed to chuckle a little, lightening his mood. Though he still seemed to be unsatisfied with his body. "Can we at least get a personal trainer." Nate asked. "Fine, if you really want to." Andres responded, feeling as though his reassurances failed to comfort his boyfriend.

A couple weeks went by and it was time to meet with their new personal trainer. The couple had tried to begin adjusting their diet to ease into the training, but both of them had gained weight leading up to it. Nate's cooking was just too good to give up so easily. They both drove to the gym and paused in the parking lot to gain their composure before going in.

"Does this shirt make me look fat? I hope it's not too small." Nate asked Andres.

"No you look great!" Andres reassured.

"I'm scared our trainer is gonna be a dick. What if he's like some jock douchebag that's gonna make fun of us for being fat."

"Well we're paying him so I don't think he'll care how fat we are, I don't think he'll be a dick. He looked pretty nice in the photos on the website." Andres pulled up the photo of their trainer. "Ok, he kinda does look like a dick." Andres said. Their trainer was posed in his car, flexing and pointing at his arm with a smug look.

"You know what, don't worry about it. Let's just go in." Andres said quickly as he got out of the car and went to Nate's side of the car to drag him out of the car.

The two sheepishly entered the gym, being that it was the first time they had entered one in years. They made their way to a private office to meet with their trainer to discuss a routine and diet before the training would begin. They knocked on the door and a tall strong young man answered. "Andres and Nate, yes?" He said politely as he let them in. "Take a seat." The trainer said pointing at a couple chairs across the room. The chairs seemed to let out a squeal as the two men sat down.

The session went on normally. The trainer introduced himself as Kent. He then went through a workout schedule and a diet schedule after asking a few basic questions about their life. After a little while, Kent excused himself to get a protein shake before they would finish up the meeting.

While Kent was gone, Nate leaned in toward Andres. "He's nice but he's still kinda scary."

"Well maybe... I could make him less scary." Andres suggested.

"You mean-"

"Ya." Andres interrupted. "Have you ever seen fit to fat to fit?" He asked.

"No, what is it?"

"It's a show where personal trainers gain a lot of weight so they can then lose it with the person they're training. It makes the weight loss feel more personal cuz both of them are losing the weight together." Andres suggested.

"So you're saying we make him fat so he can lose the fat with us." Nate questioned.

"Yes!" Andres responded.

They were both interrupted when Kent entered the room. He sat down at his chair and began typing away at his computer. Andres winked at Nate as he got up and approached Kent. He put his hand on Kent's neck and he almost immediately froze. Fat started to pile into the young man's body. His cut six pack became a large muscle gut that stretched his shirt to its limit. His solid pecs became soft moobs that pressed firmly against his shirt. His arms started to look soft as a thick layer of fat covered his muscle, though they still looked large and imposing. His ass widened until it took up the entire office chair he sat in. And his legs thickened until they permanently rubbed against each other. Andres was feeling generous as a large bulge formed in Kent's pants. Finally Kent's jawline disappeared under a layer of fat and a double chin folded under his shirt stubble.

Andres seemed like he was just about to end the transformation, but wanted to add one final touch. Kent's face seemed to mature as wrinkles formed on his face and his hairline receded. It receded almost to the point of leaving bald. His build also seemed to change as his already broad shoulders broadened and his belly and ass stuck out a bit more. Finally Andres lifted his hand from Kent's neck and sat back down in his seat. "Now he's about our age, and much heavier. He should be no problem." Andres said confidently to Nate.

As if nothing had happened, Kent swung his chair around toward the couple. He lifted his hand up to his gut and began rubbing it.

"Well let's get started."

[giggly-squiggily]

She Likes You! (Black Clover)

We're at it again- WHOOO! :D

Heyo everyone! This is part two of a collab I'm doing with the amazing @intheticklecloset We decided to embrace our shippy selves and our love of Black Clover to bring y'all some confessional tickles! (or in my case; realization ones lols)

💖💖💖For Nym's Part💖💖💖

Summary: Yuno does some thinking after Asta helped him realize his feelings for the Leopold. Maybe he can help him realize the ones from a certain water mage in return?

“Don't you think I’d notice if someone had feelings for me?

Yuno was still rather shocked by such a statement. The delivery was matter of fact too- like Asta truly believed in what he was saying. He was either convinced or obtuse- or both. Asta could be both.

The wind mage leaned back against the grassy hill, arms behind his head as he played back the other day’s events over and over again. It was a good conversation, and much has happened since. All good things really.

So why was he so hung up on the comment? Did it really matter in the long run?

His focus switched back to Asta and his teammate- Noelle was her name, right?-leaving. He remembered how she looked at him when he wasn’t paying attention, the warmth that spread across her cheeks and the softness in her eyes showing her true feelings for the smaller mage. When he did look at her, she’d hide it quickly- trying for disinterest with little success.

‘Is that how I looked with Leo?’ The thought hit him like a tornado, making everything come together. That was it- that same hopelessly in love expression that girl wore with Asta. She felt for him how he felt for Leopold.

Somehow, the thought made him rather sad. Yuno hadn’t realized it before, but he was starting to empathize with her situation. Being in love with someone who you don’t even know likes you back.

At least, that was his own predicament until recently.

“Hey.” A finger poked his forehead, making him open his eyes. Green irises looked down at him, framed by vibrant hair. He looked upside down from his position, but his smile was as bright as the sun. “There you are. Whatcha thinking about, wind chime?”

“I told you to call me Yuno.” He huffed with a small blush as the redhead somersaulted beside him, getting comfortable. He didn’t know what changed, but one day-Leopold approached him with his heart in his hands, declaring his feelings in that special Vermillion way of his. They’ve been keeping things on the downlow since, but Yuno couldn’t be happier. “I’m just thinking about Asta. That girl really likes him, huh?”

“Noelle? Oh man- she’s crazy about him!” Leopold nodded excitedly, scooting close to him and resting his head against his chest. “Anytime anyone brings up his name she perks up, but if you ask her directly she’ll try to drown you. It’s cute.” He grinned, his smile faltering some. “Still, I’m worried about her. What if Asta breaks her heart?”

“He won’t.” Yuno replied automatically, perhaps a touch too hard. Leopold only chuckled in response, patting his chest.

“I know he won’t. Not intentionally. I just don’t think he quite gets she’s into him yet.” Leopold mused, playing with the tufts of Yuno’s Golden Dawn uniform. “Granted, I was pretty dense myself until my siblings asked me if I liked you. After that, it was like someone cleared all the fog in my brain.” He grinned up at Yuno, eyes soft. “I know it’s not a perfect solution, but sometimes you just need somebody to come over and hit you with an obvious truth for things to click.”

Yuno had been nodding along listening to him, but that last part struck a chord.

Of course..why didn’t he think of that sooner?

“You’re brilliant, you know that?” Yuno told him, taking Leopold’s chin in his hand as he kissed him quick. The redhead was beaming when they pulled away. “Completely brilliant.”

“Hmm, tell me again without words, yeah?” The redhead grinned as Yuno kissed him again and again.

His plan would have to wait until later it seems.

~~~

“Noelle likes you.”

There- he said it! Since his time with Leopold, Yuno had been debating on how to approach the subject matter. Should he do what Asta did and teasingly lean into it? Ask questions that would eventually lead to his friend coming to the realization himself?

In the end, the second they met up once again to hang out- it just came out like that. His version of a greeting.

“Huh?” Asta blinked, staring. “..huh?”

Okay- maybe should have started with the greeting. “Hey, what’s up? Noelle likes you.” Nailed it! He watched, waiting for Asta to process the information.

“Well, yeah- I know that.” Asta smiled, nodding. “We’re friends, afterall!”

Yuno blinked, then he closed his eyes, seeking patience. “No, I mean- she likes you.”

“Yeah…I know?” Asta waved his hands before him, puzzled. “I think she likes everyone in the Black Bulls though. Especially Vanessa and Grey, but their all girls so it makes sense-”

“Asta.” Yuno tried to keep the exasperation out of his voice as he grabbed his friend’s shoulders. “She likes you. Like how I…really like Leo.” The confession wasn’t new, but it still made Yuno’s cheeks warm.

Finally, Asta seemed to get it. “Oh? Oh! Oh…nah, there’s no way! No way at all- she doesn’t like me like that.” Asta laughed as he took a step back. “I already told you, I’d-

“Yes, you’d notice if someone had feelings for you, you’ve said that before.” Yuno gave up on hiding his exasperation, shaking his head. “Sorry to say this, but I think you’re wrong this time.”

“Whatcha mean by that?” Asta narrowed his eyes some, raising his chin with an indignant frown. “Are you saying I’m not good at picking these things up?”

“Yes.” Yuno nodded. Asta sputtered in shock, eyes wide.

“Well! I’d never!” Asta puffed, his annoyance fading when Yuno started to smile. “You’re a real jerk, you know that?”

“And you’re oblivious. I’m serious though- Noelle likes you.”

“I really don’t see it.”

“She calls you ‘dorksta.’”

“You call me ‘shortsta’- I don’t see you getting down on one knee.”

“You're not my type. She’s always looking at you.”

“Everyone looks at me!”

“Not the way she does! She’s always by your side-”

“To send me flying with water-”

“Asta!” 

“It’s true!” Asta cried back, shaking his head as he flopped into the grass beneath his feet, leaning back on his hands. “Even if she did like me like you say she does, it wouldn’t matter. She’s royalty- meaning she’s got an entire ocean of guys to pick from if she wanted. Why would she pick me?” Something uncharacteristically bitter entered Asta’s tone- a rare side of self-loathing Yuno never thought he’d hear from his best friend. “It’s like back in Hage when you pick potatoes; you grab the best ones first. No one wants the little guys.”

Yuno couldn’t believe his ears. Was this really Asta? Shaking his head, he sat down beside him in the grass, bringing his knees up to his chest. “Do you remember what you told me when I said the same thing about Leopold? You said I still have a chance, and that it didn’t matter about our social standing.”

“This is different, Yuno. Really different.”

“How?”

“Look at you!” Asta waved a hand at him, gesturing to his entire being. “You’re tall, cool as hell, have amazing magic- not to mention you’re an amazing person inside and out, even when you’re being a jerk. It’s easy to see why Leopold likes you so much- you’re the whole package.” Asta slumped some, his hand dropping back to his side. “But me..what do I have to offer? I’m short, loud, and smelly. I’m nothing until I become the Wizard King. Until then-what can I offer her if I did like her back?”

“Asta..” Yuno felt his heart break at his friend's words. Asta sat up then, putting on a brave smile.

“It doesn’t matter- I’m already in love as is! One day- I’ll come home and sweep Sister Lily off her feet! She’ll accept my proposal one day-AH!” Suddenly the world tilted as Asta was unceremoniously pushed back into the grass. “Yuno? You big jerk- you can’t go tackling people like that!”

“I’m not the jerk here.” Yuno growled, tone nearly unreadable as he cracked his knuckles, staring daggers into Asta’s soul. “Enough is enough- if you’re too blind to see what’s right in front of you, I’m just gonna have to open your eyes myself!”

“Huh? What are yo-ohohohooeheahhahaha!” Almost immediately, the smaller boy arched with a yelp, hands shooting down to grab Yuno’s wrist as they scratched along his waist. “Yuhuhuhuhuno, wahhahahait! Gehahahahah, yohohohou jeheheherk- whahahhat the heheheehll?”

“Oh? What- you think you can tickle me until I confess and not get it in return?” Yuno’s death glare melted into a warm smile as he carried on scritching his fingers against Asta’s tunic, making his friend squirm and giggle. “I’m not stopping until you admit you’re worthy of Noelle’s feelings!”

“Buhuhuhuht I’m nohohohohot! Nohohohot yheheheheht!” Asta cried out, arching when Yuno dropped to his hips, pressing tickly thumbs into the soft spots. “Geahhahahha, Yuhuhuhuno! Dohohohohon’t nohohoht thehehehhehre!”

“Yes there! You’re so dense, I bet if someone cut your head open, they’d find bricks! And another thing- what are you saying you’ve got nothing to offer? So what if you’re short and smelly- that’s just you! You’re also brave, heroic, and determined! Do you really think Noelle only likes you based on the shallow things?” Tsking, Yuno kept one hand on his hip while the other moved to Asta’s ribs, making him shout before dissolving into giddy snickers. “She looks at you like you’re the only star in the night sky. She hangs onto every word you say, and she’s always flustered and shy whenever you look at her. She’s in love with you!”

“Ahehahahahhhahaha! Ehehehheven ihihihihihif thahahhat’s truuhuhhuuhe- I dohoohohohn’t thihihihk-GEHAHHAHA YUNO!” The second fingers attacked his stomach, Asta was flailing like a fish, his softer giggles shooting up to a proper burst as his worst spot was attacked. “GEHHAAHHA NOHOHOHOHO!”

“Yes! This is what you get!” Yuno smirked, deciding to go all out. Pulling out his most diabolical weapon, he leaned down and got right up to Asta’s ear. “Come on, whittle Asta- you and I both know you’re much better than you think. Admit it, will you? Please, for me?”

“TRAHAHHAHAITOR!” As if Asta couldn’t laugh harder! The dreaded teasing voice Yuno discovered worked so well on him sent him into near silent laughter- face red and eyes growing misty. Finally, he gave in, smacking the ground repeatedly and pulling at Yuno’s coat in submission. “OHOHOOHKAY OHOHOHOKAY ENOHOHOHOUGH!”

Yuno did as requested, pulling his hands back as he watched Asta curl into a loose ball against the ground, gasping for air. His cheeks were bright red, stained with tear streaks from how hard he was laughing. For a moment, Yuno felt a bit bad.

Then Asta was on his feet tackling him into the grass for revenge and Yuno realized feeling bad for someone so energetic wasn’t always the best idea.

~~~

“Heh. This feels all too familiar.” Asta laughed, breathless beneath the warm sun as he laid side by side with Yuno. “Weren’t we just having this conversation?”

“Can’t remember. My memory is as short as you.” Yuno snickered, laughing more when Asta threw a handful of grass at him.

“Shut up! Jerk.” Asta grinned, looking up towards the sky. After a moment, he spoke again, voice careful. “Do you…really think she likes me? Like, truly likes me?”

“She thinks the world of you, Asta.” Yuno reassured him, watching the emotions play out on his friend’s face. Realization there might be something there, anguish of possible rejection. And hope…something hopeful that maybe, just maybe…”Even if she has a hard time expressing it. I think she’s scared to tell you cause you might not feel the same.

“You don’t have to tell her now if you’re unsure. Just don’t drag her along, okay? When you realize how you feel about her, make it known- regardless of what it is. Believe me when I say..” Yuno’s ears burned as he turned away from his friend’s watchful eyes. “It really, really helps to know from the otherside.”

Asta was quiet. Then he reached out, punching Yuno’s shoulder gently. “To think it was only yesterday it was me comforting you when you were unsure. Thanks, Yuno. For everything.”

“Hmm.” Yuno nodded, bumping his fist against Asta's, pretending the mistiness of his vision was from the earlier tickle attacks. “Thank you too.”

Thanks for reading! And another major thank you to Nym for collabing with me! This was the best!

#black clover #fluff #tickle #tickle fic #collab #part two #asta #yuno #implied Astelle #Yunleo #I love them your honor AHHH! #Squiggily writes the things #This was so fun! Thank you for collabing with me friend!

[titanicfreija]

Distractions

Sunny found the empress in the Hall of Heroes, standing tall at the doorway they normally started through. "You wanted to talk?" the Ghost asked sweetly.

Caiatl grunted and turned to lumber down the hallway, posture heavy and steps plodding. "I wanted you to talk. I am weary and would appreciate the company of a friend," she replied.

Sunny whirled around and wheeled. It was a relief that she knew Sunny needed the instructions, she must have been getting used to her habits.

"I have good news, then! We got to dig into Thomas's previous life, and Freija asked him about his history! Rex never told us! I have no idea wh-- actually, I do."

Caiatl's relief showed immediately, shoulders relaxing and weight resting on her heels. Her breath even slowed down.

Sunny figured she would only be half listening, but she was happy to have the audience, and even happier to be a relief to someone that needed it.

~

"So this roommate, of whom you speak quite lowly, was a Warlord?" the empress asked jovially.

"See, that's my favorite part about it-- he said no. He says no, but then every single time he tries to defend his point, he fails. He even gives up and says yes, but then if you say it later, he tries to say no again! I don't understand it. He said he wasn't proud of it, but he even thought about hiding it when they were talking about it!"

"They were not good times for your people. From the sound of it, he did not want to be a Warlord. I personally am on his side of this-- if he does not call himself a Warlord, regardless of his role played, he was not one. I am surprised to hear this. Was his skill always so limited?"

Sunny groaned and swept into a huge circle. "I don't even-- he's not big with his jump, which a lot of Guardians consider to be an important thing. He really is terrible at anything except clearing gaps with a good run-up on flat terrain. But he's fine on the ground. And he can shoot really well, I didn't even know that, and really, he's not bad, it's just that his Ghost is a jerk and he can't be bothered to put up with it enough to shake off the rust and gather some momentum!"

Caiatl grunted. "This Rex. Does he believe Thomas qualified as a Warlord?"

"You know, I don't know," Sunny mused. "Thomas did say he misses those days. Rex didn't say anything himself, he was grouchy that whole trip. He's jealous of me and Freija, they both are, no one is being secretive about knowing. They can't help it, and really, we can't either. The weirdest stuff can bother them, and sometimes I get it but other times I'm just confused."

"Their bond is...?"

"I don't know if you mean bond like the love I mean or like the connection Freija talks about."

"If you will clarify, I will accept any answer."

Sunny wondered briefly if the thing that connected a Ghost and Guardian could be disrupted at all. "The love like I mean, they're... Not in a good place. Rex gets spiteful and apparently won't heal under certain circumstances, and I did know he had problems with his scanner bandwidth range, but I didn't realize how bad, so even the few times he does help, he's not as helpful as, say, I am, just because he can't. Which... If he's been trying to make Thomas make up for things he can't do.... It's rough. They make me feel lucky. They make me feel lucky when we're fighting. But as far as I can tell, they're just as much Ghost and Guardian as Freija and I are. He's actually a great fighter, he really is. It's a shame."

Caiatl "hmphed". Something in it sounded amused. "This is an interesting account. I would not have imagined that a Guardian and their Ghost would be so at odds. It seems counterintuitive."

"People are people," Sunny sighed. "Even an obligatory mutual symbiont. Rex started it, but I think he started it out of something pathetic instead of something mean. Thomas might have been mean back, back then. He's so kind, now. If a little resentful, I can smell that without olfactory sensors."

"How old are they? How long ago was this rift formed between them?"

Sunny wheeled. "I have no idea. Thomas had indicated that it was the library, which means the Tower's formation a couple hundred years ago, but the story he told made it sound earlier than that."

"I would like to witness this discordance," Caiatl chuckled.

"I don't," grumbled Sunny. "They make me feel bad. Sometimes even a little guilty for being friends with Freija in front of them. The look on Thomas's face when I gave Freija her backpack before she asked for it.... I feel bad for Thomas sometimes because I know Rex just can't, but there's lots he can and won't. It's just... Sad."

"And yet he, like any other, kept a band of mortals," she chuckled. "Out of a sense of obligation, as I understand it. Was this Rex supportive?"

"I got a real keen sense that he wasn't." Sunny turned to see Caiatl's tusks bobbing thoughtfully. "I don't know. I literally can't imagine what would make me act like that at Freija. I know he thought he could drive Thomas into being more than he is, but he was mean about it. We've all tried to help, but Rex is too angry about being wrong to correct his mistake. And he gets to see where my incessant cheering on has gotten Freija, someone he considered to be far lesser than Thomas as long as he could get away with it, and that just makes him so angry."

"You seem to simultaneously pity and dislike this Rex. And yet you call him friend?"

"I can love someone I don't like," Sunny said. "I wish I could help them. Freija wants to, too, but neither of us know what to do. Rex is angry and wants to be angry. Thomas is.... Just.... He's so kind, patient, he loves Rex, I think. Feels sorry for him, too. I don't know. They... It's so weird. And sad."

Caiatl chortled and heaved a long sigh. "Somehow, it is a relief to know that even bonds so deep do not guarantee harmony. They do work together?"

"Only in combat. It's one thing Rex can do well, and it's what he wants to do. Thomas is good at it, too, as long as what you need is cover fire. His threadlings will dissolve Vex almost as fast as his needles can unmake them, and once he's linked the needles into his gun, he can send that magic everywhere. But he's not tough. And he's real bad about getting caught out, I think it's him and Rex both being bad at spatial awareness. He has to stay in the back. Rex hates it."

"This Thomas has aligned strongly with the Darkness?" Now the amusement turned to real interest. "Do you suppose there is a link between their weak relationship and his ability to use the Darkness? Does the Ghost facilitate the Darkness the same as the Light?"

Sunny wagged a "no". "Guardians are paracausal-- outside causality, able to break the rules of physics and create matter or manipulate the intangible forces of the universe. So it allows for manipulation of Darkness. I think. I don't know for sure. But anyway-- no, I really don't. Rex likes the Darkness, too, he says. He could just be saying it for effect, but he says Stasis feels minty and strand feels like to swimming in warm water, and he likes both of them. It's been a big relief to them both. We thought it would help them, but they're stuck in their ways. Rex refuses to help Thomas do anything but fight, and Thomas doesn't like fighting. He hates getting shot, he hates dying, and he doesn't like working with anyone at the same time as needing backup." She rolled in the air and wheeled her petals. "That's one thing he is jealous about, Freija is so stupid and headstrong and he would love Thomas to be so combat-ready. Thomas would, too, I think."

Caiatl chewed on that one, too. "Do you think he would be happier with her? Or a Guardian like her?"

Sunny wagged another negative. "I think he'd hate her and anyone else like her. He doesn't know what he wants. If he had Freija, if he tried to tell her to do anything, she'd fight with him first. Anyone like her would do the same. He can't be nice, and Freija doesn't respond well to authority."

Caiatl rumbled another laugh. "She responds to real authority well enough. She knows Rex is not her superior."

Sunny wanted to argue but then she remembered Neomuna. Yeah, fair enough.

"Do you feel a Guardian like Thomas would relieve you of the guilt you suffer for raising a soldier?"

"Eternally bound to the fight," she sighed. She hadn't considered it. "I would ... Probably feel like Rex. Like I wasn't doing enough. I like to think I wouldn't scare my Guardian away from me. I... I don't know what's wrong with Rex."

"You feel he is ungrateful?"

"He had Thomas for five hundred years before I found her and he was disappointed from the first day because he didn't want to get shot. I feel like it's blasphemy to be disappointed in your Guardian like he is. Something about it should feel wrong to him, if you ask me. I think it might and that's what makes him feel like that."

Caiatl chortled. "Is there a grander belief that one can blaspheme?"

Sunny didn't even think about it when she said it. "I mean.... Some of us think we were all created with a purpose and a single Guardian out there to find. Some of us think we happened by accident, tiny fragments of the Traveler trying to save ourselves, and the connections to the Chosen are happenstance, or are something else magical. Some of us think that we were created to fight, or defend humans. It varies by who you ask."

"Your personal belief?"

Sunny paused to consider it. She hadn't rethought it in a while. "Well, I believe that... We were created unintentionally. I also believe that no individual holds the spark for an individual Ghost. We have our Chosens, but to think that we were all created a thousand years ago to look for people that wouldn't be born, let alone die, for centuries..... Bodies decay. To think that anyone could miss their chance just because the body rotted... To think that the Traveler created some Ghosts to die... I don't think it did. Really, I don't think it did just because there's too many of us. I think it broke and we're just dust that came off it. I think the bodies we're drawn to call us, but I don't think it's any single one-- I think more than one holds our spark. But maybe not at a time, or maybe it's spread out until I feed the one that grows, like the one seed of three planted."

Caiatl silently considered this for a time, gazing ahead. She then smirked. "I do not envy your position. I would suffer many doubts, more than you, I think."

"I... Honestly, I don't know. It all comes down to the fact that, if we don't fight, there will be nothing left to fight for. And I have Freija, and she wants to fight, so fight we will. Terrifying as that is."

"Your courage is seen," Caiatl promised.

"Your strength is, too, but remember that you have to rest," Sunny said, seeing the light fade in her eyes. "Do you sleep? You should probably sleep."

Her weight rocked back to her heels and her face plate shifted as her tusks lifted. Her eyelids still drooped. "We sleep. I will. I am glad to see you. I will entertain you, next time." Caiatl put a fist to her chest and bowed, an unusually stuffy gesture.

Sunny nudged the tip of her helmet. She was pretty sure it was the first time she touched the empress, even that little bit. Caiatl chuckled as she drew back to her full height.

"You must be tired, defaulting to formality like that," the Ghost observed. "See if Nimbus will hide you for an hour or so?"

"I will steal the sleep I can," she promised. "How is your Guardian?"

"Standing ground with fire and hammer," Sunny said. "It can be so beautiful, even amongst the horror."

"Her fires are indeed," agreed Caiatl. "I look forward to our next meeting. Farewell.

@wolvereaux. @annieruok94

#destiny 2 #d2 #ocs #writing #scribble #sunny #Caiatl

[pocketramblr]

AU where Connor Kent mistakes Jon for another clone of Superman but since clones make Clark uncomfortable, the Young Justice... kinda kidnaps a child and is ready to raise him, please.

The Gang Kidnaps A Child!

It's been a while since I've watched yj the timeline will be even more of a mess

1- Conner is visiting Ma and Pa Kent for like, the second time ever, and Jon happens to be there. Conner was completely unaware of Jon's existence. He asks Ma who that is, and Ma says "oh that's your brother Jon, of course."

Conner, who knows how Clark feels about his clone, assumes Ma also knows how Clark feels about the clone. He doesn't even consider that she means Jon is Clark's son. She called him his brother, so he must be another clone- and there were so many others at CADMUS, so it makes sense.

2- Conner asks Ma where Jon stays. Ma, thinking about how Conner stays in a mountain hole, basically alone, purses her lips, but then moves on to say that Jon lives with Clark and Lois, though she does love when they visit, they should both do it more

Conner interprets that to mean that Clark is not happy or comfortable with Jon there, but has to, since he's too young to qualify to stay with YJ.

But that's not something that'd stop them!

3- Conner: hey M'gann can you hook up the mindlink real quick M'gann: sure Conner: hey team Kid Flash: yeah? What's this? Party in the base? Mission? Conner: There's another super clone Robin: where? Conner: about thirty feet in front of me, Smallville. He's younger. Unsure what powers. Robin: ... Aqualad: What do you suggest? Not hostile? Conner: not at all. But he's stuck living with Superman :/ probably would be happier here, but with CADMUS and the Light it can't be safe all the time. Robin: ... Aqualad: so we should consider other safe locations? Atlantis would be hospital, but I'm unsure that'd be the best for him. Kid Flash: what about our base? If you're cool with him moving in, I mean. Conner: ... I don't think I'd mind that much. Better than staying where he is. Robin: ... M'gann: great! We're in agreement. So should we tell Superman? Or Robin ask Batman? Could the Flash authorize the movement? Conner: I was thinking, just take him. Robin: GREAT IDEA UH PATROL NOW GOTTA GO M'GANN Kid Flash: isn't it like 4 pm in Gotham right now M'gann: focus, KF, we've got to get the base ready to raise a child in!

4- Robin is laughing so hard. But he's gonna encourage them to do it, and help sneak Jon in by covering the tech, cameras, zeta tubes, etc. And B is going to find this hilarious, even if he can't show it in the cowl.

5- Jon is totally happy to get an invitation to visit the YJ base with Superboy! His dad never takes him to any superhero stuff! He doesn't even notice Conner shoving their overnight bags into the base too, and extra snacks. The base is so cool, and most of the rest of the team zeta's in give him a tour, and his own guest room, and invite him for a sleepover! Conner says he texted Ma and got permission, so Jon rolls with it.

Ma did give permission. She did not mention that Clark and Lois were coming over to dinner before taking Jon home. (Just like she didn't mention Conner visiting later when Clark dropped Jon off.)

Clark gets there and is Concerned that he can't see Jon anywhere near them. Ma says he's fine, hanging out with Conner. Clark realizes he does in fact hear Jon's heartbeat in the base, but Lois stops him from flying off before dinner, since Jon must be having fun.

When Clark does finally get there, and announces he can take Jon home, Conner says the whole team is perfectly happy to let him stay. Jon is excited, and asks "can I stay, please, Dad?"

The whole team stiffens, very awkwardly. He's too young to know the difference between a son and a clone, and that hurts. Clark winces a moment after they do, but agrees, telling him to have fun, does he need anything from the farm first-

"Nope, I got all my stuff, and they gave me my own room to put it in!"

Clark realizes this was not the team throwing a surprise sleepover. This was the team trying a surprise adoption. They tried to surprise adopt his own kid!

"That's great. I'll see you tomorrow morning then!"

Then he goes off to call B, trying not to panic.

+1- B did, as Robin predicted, laugh when Robin told him about the plan and adding Jon to the zeta codes- "Superboy 2". He doesn't laugh when Clark calls him, but he's clearly amused, and smug. Now Clark has to face his opinions on his family, as B knew he would.

#Robin knows Jon or at the very least knows OF Jon #so he was shoving all his emotions and thoughts down in the rest of the call #i should probably start tagging these long posts #long post #gentrychild #pocket talks to people #ask game

[randoimago]

Day 20 - Childhood Friends to Lovers

Fandom: Persona 5

Character(s): Yuuki Mishima

Type of Request: 31 Days of October

Note(s): I love Mishima so much and I very much miss him.

"Look at how many users there are!"

You couldn't help a smile at how excited Mishima was. It was the most excited you've seen him in a long time. Not since joining and making the volleyball team as a regular. But now, as he showed you the app he created, his eyes shone brightly as a wide smile is on his face.

"Yeah, you're really cool Mishima," you tell him, which seems to make him so much happier. He always did enjoy validation. And even though his cheeks were still covered in healing bruises and bandages, you noticed a bit of pink on his cheeks.

"Well, I'm not that great. I mean, it's the phantom thieves that saved the school..." Mishima trails off as his eyes go to the comments coming in on one of the general chat rooms. "It'd be nice if there wasn't so much trolling. I'll need to work double time with the filtering."

"Or you could rest?" You suggested instead.

Mishima hasn't had a moments rest since Kamoshida left. Being one of the victims, of course the local news network wanted to cover the story. And then there was the newspaper club at school. And then other students that would come up to him and offer "sympathies" despite praising Kamoshida's name previously.

And now, instead of laying down and closing his eyes to rest, he's working on a damn app. It is amazing how much energy he has now, but you're definitely concerned that it's going to lead to him crashing.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll take a nap later," Mishima replies in a teasing tone, but you see appreciation in his eyes. As well as something else that makes your heart race and hope. You just give him a smile as you lean a bit closer as he shows off more of what he's got so far with the app. Mishima leans into your touch in return.

You two have always been a bit touchy growing up. Well, once you both got past the "girls/boys have cooties" stage. There's been hugs and hand holding and just you two being affectionate. But it's always been as friends, which you didn't mind before but now that you're older and realize your feelings. Well, things are definitely different.

And then the Kamoshida thing happened, and it did put a bit of a damper on your relationship with Mishima for a bit. Just because he didn't want you involved to keep you safe, and you hated it. Thank god for those phantom thieves, whoever they are (you know who they are, but you pretend not to so Mishima can feel cool about knowing them).

"I am really happy to see you smiling more, Yuuki," you murmur as you glance up at him, finding that he's already looking at you. He flushes a bit and gives a sigh.

"Yeah, I know you were worried about me before. Thank you for staying by my side."

"I wouldn't dream of leaving you."

There's silence after that, a comfortable one, before Mishima puts his phone up and you move away so he can properly lay down. You hesitate a bit. You two have slept in the same bed together when you were much much younger. And you doubted Mishima would try anything, but still...

"Hey," Mishima says your name softly and you look to him as he smiles a bit and moves so you can lay next to him. You do and he seems to hesitate before putting an arm around you. "I'm glad that we're friends... But... Have you ever wondered-"

"All the time." You don't let him finish his statement because you knew what he was going to ask. Mishima's eyes widen when you do cut him off but he smiles and holds you a bit tighter.

"Good... Sakamoto is going to be so jealous when I tell him I have a partner before he does." You can't help a snort at that. Poor Ryuji.

Taglist:

@reo-the-leo

#randoimago 31 days of october #persona 5 x reader #yuuki mishima x reader #mishima x reader

[acourtofthought]

i don't wanna start anything really, just have to get this off my chest, but i don't get the hype for azriel. he creeped me out when i read the books (like i get that mor isn't being forward with him, but to get to tge point in which cassian has to act as a buffer between them?? when they're all supposed to be this super close family dynamic friend group? it just made me feel uncomfortable. plus, that bonus chapter makes things even worse. he comes off as entitled and even a bit possessive, as if he is owed a mating bond/relationship with elain. and the fierceness with which he gets attatched to these two women, in short period of times developing what seems more of an obsession than a crush... just weird for me)

this is not a critique of anyone who finds him likeable, hot and all the other adjectives, btw. i would actually love to get the hype lol...

I think it's easy enough to pick out Az's good qualities and see exactly why people like him but I agree, I don't understand where people are feral for him.

I realize we all like different things but it's still difficult for me to fully grasp it.

I.E., I realize that some women are really attracted to strange men in prison. They're not wrong for their attraction, their attraction to those men doesn't effect my life therefore it's not my business. However it's still confusing to me how that attraction comes about.

The Az thing isn't quite that extreme 😂 and I realize that as a SJM future MMC, we're all supposed to eventually be into him (that's usually the point of a romance author writing about a specific guy).

So maybe it's more of a I don't understand why people are feral over him right now.

First off, I'm not sure exactly what the Az at the end of his journey is going to look like. I really have no idea how dark Az actually is or how much of his personality will remain broody and closed off. Does he like torturing people? Does he feel bad over it? Is he always going to argue against Rhys and Feyre's orders? Is he going to start being nice to people outside the IC? Are we going to see a 90 degree turn around of his character? 45 degree?

Second, a very large portion of Az's character right now is obsession over females in a really unhealthy way. Which can sometimes be thrilling in certain romances (dark romance / mafia romance) but that's not the kind of author SJM is and because of that, it's difficult for me not to recognize his behavior as a red flag in this specific series. Also, it's not sexy considering he's acting like this over two females at the same time. The best thing about the obsessive male trope in dark romances is that he's fixated on one person.

Az as an individual is a cool character.

Az as a love interest is (right now) awful to me. If I was Elain or Gwyn, I would not find him appealing if I had a front row seat to his simultaneous thoughts on Mor and his thoughts on Elain.

Try it, pretend you're Gwyn right now and have a crush on Az. But then imagine that you hear how he yearns for Mor while simultaneously jerking off to Elain's headache powder and flippantly talking about killing an ally because that ally got a bond with the third sister while his brothers are with the other two.

Now pretend you're Elain with a crush on Az. Not only are you hearing the way he talks about you to Rhys but you hear how he can't confirm being over Mor and you see him being amused by Gwyn, having admiration for Gwyn and feeling happy over the thought of her happiness.

No matter what thought Az is currently having for any one female, it's tainted by the thoughts he's having for the other two. Even though he wants to kiss Elain, he's still happier around Gwyn and not over Mor. Even though he seems amused by Gwyn and shows admiration for her, he's still got thoughts of Mor (love) and Elain (sexual) running through his mind.

It ruins the romance for me and that is why it's so difficult for me to understand the Az hype at this moment.

[nerdby]

I want to talk about my age regression.

Because people make a lot of blanket assumptions about age regressors that aren't true and I want to try to dispel some of them. Like a really common misconception people seem to have about age regression is that littlespace is a perpetually happy headspace. It isn't.

I can't cry unless I'm in littlespace.

It didn't really used to be that way for me. Littlespace used to be a happier place for me until I came out as transmasc in 2017/18, and I realized that the transmasc community was an exceptionally cruel place. People aren't allowed to feel. Or we're encouraged by transphobic transmedicalists not to feel or to cry or to talk about our feelings or to question certain aspects of the patriarchy very much.

And 2017/18 was also when I first started exploring age regression. Because I've always been an age regressor because my regression is involuntarily. I get triggered by certain movies or characters or whatever, and I start to feel like I'm......The only way I can really describe is to say I feel almost empty-headed, air-headed.

I feel innocent and light, I guess is what I'm trying to say.

But back then I really didn't understand the psychiatry behind age regression very well and I didn't understand my triggers and I didn't know what they were. And I think I need to backtrack a bit here to address another misconception about age regressors.

Age regression is not simply pretending or acting like a toddler. Like there are people who regress to an infant or toddler-like state. I sometimes regress to a state of like....A four or five-year-old but it's really difficult for me.

Part of the reason why that is because I know you want me to be ashamed of my regression. And the other reason why is because like I said before, I cannot cry unless I'm regressed and I need to be regressed to that four or five-year-old headspace in order to do so. Because age regression is really like when you embody who you were as a very small child.

And I feel like at four or five years old is the last time I didn't care if I upset someone with my crying.

Because I do feel shame about my regression. So, bravo, mission accomplished you have proved Magneto 100% right once again:

"Mankind has always feared what it does not understand." -Erik Lensherr, X-Men (2001)

And that's why people are always such assholes to weird people. I've been bullied enough in my life to know that. So if you hate age regressors or think we're weird

You're an ableist asshole.

But getting back to the point, there are other levels of regression when it comes to age regression. Just like people can regress to the headspace of an infant or a toddler people can also regress to the headspace of a grade schooler or a teenager.

I'm autistic. I am very, very autistic and I wasn't diagnosed until a few years ago. In fact, I'm not diagnosed officially at all. Not with autism. I have a diagnosis for ADHD that I received two years ago. So it wasn't until then my doctors began to take me seriously when I told them that I think I'm autistic. Because the only people and characters I'm able to really relate to are autistic people and characters.

And cause I can't read emotions or facial cues and because I've been obsessed with the same things for literal decades of my life.

And I'm thirty-three.

So for roughly thirty years my autism and ADHD has gone unaddressed. As a result I'm very emotionally underdeveloped. Like, in my head, I feel like a twenty-something whenever I try to adult. Most of the time I feel like I'm about 12-16 years old. Sort of. I feel like I'm a 12-16 year old that's stuck in an early-2000s timeloop.

I don't interact with minors online.

I don't date anyone under the age of twenty-seven.

In fact, I prefer to avoid dating people who are younger than me because the people I have dated that were younger than me turned out to be abusive. I've also had abusive partners that were much older than me.

My younger partners were never more than 1-3 years younger than me. Just because I know some asshole somewhere is dying to ask. To be honest, I don't really feel safe dating or hooking up with people at all anymore. So I don't.

I don't have a partner, platonic or otherwise. And when I age regress I do it alone. Which is part of the reason it's difficult for me because a lot of people in the age regression community do regress with friends or a partner. I don't really have friends.

I moved back to New York in 2015 from Florida and after being homeless for a year was placed in a group home for the mentally ill. Those are also called adult foster care or transitional living facilities because people don't want to think them as asylums. And it was made abundantly clear to me that I was not wanted there because the manager was constantly insisting that I didn't belong there.

That was because most of the other residents were agoraphobic whereas I made trips once or twice a month to see my family who lived in my current city about half an hour away.

Other than the staff of the group home, the other residents, my therapist, and my immediate family I didn't have any contact with anyone. And you can ask anyone whose been in a group home at any age and they will tell you it's a traumatic experience. No matter how old you are.

There was a lady who was an elderly resident that was so delusional.....She would have accidents all over the house. Explosive diarrhea and staff would make the residents clean it. I refused to. I was so upset the first time that I complained about it to my therapist and I never shut the fuck up about it. And then there was a girl who was a cutter. The worst day of my life was waking up to a puddle of her blood on the floor and a trail of it leading down the stairs.

The staff person in the office that morning was complaining about how she'd have to clean up the girl's blood and how she (the staff) had had to call an ambulance at like 4 or 5am.

I've never wanted to punch someone more in my life.

But the point I'm trying to make is that I cannot be around the people I was friends with in the group home because they trigger me. They just remind me of those horrible things. And some of them were also abusive. Like there was a girl who high and tried to stab me with a pizza cutter. That's a true story.

And now I don't really have friends because since I live as a perpetual sixteen-year-old I've fucked up since I moved out on my own. I've been through some shit. So now I have agoraphobia and I don't really know where to go to meet people, and whenever I make plans to go somewhere where I might meet them I come up with an excuse NOT to go. Because anxiety.

And my mom was an incredibly strict, abusive evangelical asshole. She still is. I recently realized that she's a fucking Nazi and all that's missing is the inverted swastika as is the case with so many Nazis these days. I don't talk to her much, so I try not to think about it because I am so tired of fighting with her. But I am trauma bonded to her.

A trauma bond is the real life version of Stockholm Syndrome. Think Loki and Odin from the Thor movies. A trauma bond is an involuntarily bond that a survivor forms with their abuser because of emotional abuse. Like if you google cult mind control tactics, emotional abuse are like the building blocks. And that's how trauma bonds are formed.

So when I'm regressed........A huge part of it is doing things I wasn't allowed to do as a child or as a teenager. Like watching R-rated movies or wearing black nail polish -- I wasn't allowed to wear the color black growing up because my mom hated goth people cause she thought they were Satan worshippers. Or reading comic books or watching cbms because my mom always insisted that comic books were for boys. Which was great cause I was obsessed with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles growing up. She thought it was cute until I was about seven and she realized I liked them better than princesses and Barbies. Which like....Barbies are fine, but I think dolls are in general are just creepy and boring.

But also I just love like going to Claire's. Even though I've never actually bought anything from Claire's. I've always been too afraid to because I do like girly things. But I didn't discover Claire's until I was an adult and its obviously a store for little girls and children. And people always thought I was weird for wanting to shop there. Since I'm an adult, but I've like burst in there squealing cause of a stuffed animal cause that's just how I am when I'm regressed. And then I'll just like have to put it back cause everyone is staring at me and I get too scared to buy it.

I also really love to blow bubbles. And fairy lights. And bath bombs but I've never used a bath bomb. I also really love to watch SpongeBob. Like the first five seasons -- just having it on in the background makes me super happy and calm. I like to put on like anime from my childhood or a show I wanted to watch as a kid like Gargoyles which I was never allowed to watch cause my mom wanted me to be girlier. And I'll just cuddle my cats or a stuffed animal.

I also like coloring books, but they have to be the ones for kids cause I'm really insecure about my artistic abilities. The ones for kids make me feel like it's ok for me to mess up.

#comic books #age regression #sfw age regression #sfw agere #sfw littlespace #mental health #ptsd thoughts #actually ptsd #adhd #actually adhd #neurodivergent #actually neurodivergent #actually disabled #ableism #truth #real talk #my thoughts #my life #my childhood #nostalgia geek #nostalgiacore #rambling

[circusislife]

Palmtree and papyrus

Xoxo

palm tree ⇢ do you have a fictional villain you shouldn’t like but love regardless?

Uhhh.... Does ganon count? I mean, he Is Simply and a** in most games, but... In windwaker for example we can see a bit more. He Just wanted something Better for his people and tried to take It in the only way he knew of, by force. He Is cruel an mercyless in oot, but he WAS the king, traditions or not he wouldn't have lasted long if he didn't have his people's loyalty, he must have done something to earn It, right? :)

papyrus ⇢ if you put your ‘on repeat’ playlist on shuffle, what’s the first song that comes up? what do you like about it / associate it with? (Shuffled the playlist where I dump every single Song I even mildly tolerate and hit jackpot) The One that came out Is a female cover of "To the other side" from the musical The greatest show, and let me tell you, I can't listen to or sing It without feeling empowered. I think I discovered It by chance a Little before covid struck, and saved It because I liked the tunes, It had a cool animatic and the voice register was something I could reach if I ever wanted to learn It. Good thing I did, because now it's One of my favorites. It basically describes my emotional development during highschool. At first I Just wanted to be the best of the class, manage to do well and determined to stomp on my Hyperactivity (and personality) to adhere to what I thought was an Ideal student. Was quite the loner, got enough human interactions from passively existing in class and training (yup, circus;)).

"Ain't in a Cage, so I don't Need to take the Key. Oh, damn! Can't you see I'm doing fine? I don't Need the other side!" "If i were mixed up with you I'd be the talk of the Town. Disgraced and disowned, another One of the clowns"

Then covid struck. And with It lockdown. At First It was fine. Bit bored, but otherwise fine. Started to allow myself to become a bit more relaxed about studying even. But then i became restless: I wanted interactions. The only way to do that was WhatsApp, but the screen Is a pretty detached way to comunicate, so , in order to express myself I put a bit more of "hyper" in the texts. It only grew from there. When we were finally allowed back in the classroom I could have put that behind me and tried to adhere once again to the mold, but...

"but you would finally live a little, finally laugh a Little. Just let me give you the freedom to dream and It Will wake you up and cure your aching. Take your walls and start 'em breaking. Now that's a deal that seems worth taking?! But I Guess I'll leave that up to you"

I took that deal. Dignity and embarrassement be damned, they're Just social constructs and anyway, the only one to remember any mishap After two or three weeks would be me. Might as well try to enjoy socialising while I could. And if I became too much... Well, if i bothered someone then they could either tell me, I would tone It Down, or they could suck It up and suffer in silence like idiots. If they wanted someone calm and propper then too bad, I have learned to respect other people's boundaries even when loosening up and that's all I'm willing to concede.

"forget the Cage 'cause we know how to make the key. Oh, damn! Suddenly you're free to fly we're going to the other side"

Turned out for the best. Nobody had a problem with that, if they did they told me before It got too much and I adapted. i couldn't bottle It up any longer, nor did I want to. It was amazing.

"we're going to the other side"

I am still a bit socially awkward, and realizing that I even have social skills Is still a bit of a surprise. But being able to relax more often is well worth the occasional embarrassement. I'm not really an extrovert except for when I'm with people I like and trusth, but I am much less closed off and happier for It. "Take your walls and start 'em breaking" Indeed ;)

#ask #my katnip child! <3 #ask game #... #Looks like the rambling was unlocked! :D #'^^ #<3

[writingquestionsanswered]

Wqa, hi!

Do you have any advice on handling character growth happening between books?

I'm writing the second book in a series, and a minor character had a specific set of behaviours in the first one. It concluded he was changing, but now another character does something similar to his first book actions, and his reactions to this are stronger than how his last version would react. This means he completely grew out of his first book habits and changed for the better, but I'm afraid it will seem unearned, and don't know if I should stretch his growth to the second book.

Best wishes!

Unearned Character Growth Between Books

When we say that something is "unearned" in fiction, what we're really saying is that the reader didn't get to see the logical steps needed for that thing to happen believably. And when something happens between books, the reader isn't going to see it.

Character arcs (the way the character changes) typically play out from beginning to end of a book. Complex character arcs may play out from beginning to end of a series, but they typically complete individual phases of that arc by the end of each book. Normally, you wouldn't wrap up a character arc between books or in the middle of a book.

BUT... the fact that this is a minor character changes things a little.

If this were main character, or even an important secondary character, I would say that if you need the change to be complete by the beginning of the second book, then you need to complete it by the end of the first book.

Since this is a minor character, though, I think you can get away with a little "unearned" character growth as long as you explain it. Think about what events occurred between books that allowed this change to take place, then make sure that character or another one explains it before it becomes important. For example:

"Did I tell you I had lunch with Jerry yesterday?"

"No... how is he doing?"

"He's good, actually. He went to rehab over the summer, started a new job in September, and he's really got a handle on things. He's so much happier now. I'm really proud of him."

As long as you've set it up by the end of the first book that Jerry realizes he needs to change, maybe even ending the first book with him admitting he needs help, it's not going to jar the reader that much. It's just a minor character, so this is probably going to be enough to make it believable.

However, I wouldn't recommend doing that with a main character or important secondary character. :)

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[selvesdiscovery]

hi .. we want to stay on anon for this one due to the nature of the question. Alright, so ... We're disordered, and I wasn't aware of my system for a long time, and because of how our trauma works, I'm basically frontstuck and I hate it. I struggled to communicate with my headmates, and most had to learn how to co-front because we'd never done it before. I wanted to leave front completely because I just want a break, I know that's normal and not too bad.

So about the more disconcerting part ... In working to front switch more, we started noticing more heavy amnesia we didn't notice before due to me always being the one in front. The biggest is time loss (which is much less of a blackout and more of a dilation, but idk if that's because I don't completely lose consciousness?), but I also struggle to remember more than even the most basic of events if I'm far from front, random switches are happening way more often, things like that. I'm losing the control I didn't realize I had over us.

My point is, though, that .... I kind of like it, honestly? I really like it. I'm so much happier like this. I trust my headmates to do whatever's needed without me, being able to rotate things out more consistently is a huge weight off of me, the amnesia/time loss is actually a relief because I meticulously over-analyze every single action the body does. My desire to present as "sane" to singlets grows less and less every day, especially since we're already nonworking and unable to drive due to separate circumstances. I feel myself wanting to get to the point where I'm so far in back that I don't get shaky and fearful and forced back into the front seat when somebody in outerworld "requires" me. Not forever, because I have partners in the system and out and a life I want to live, but I crave that disconnect I or others in my system can sometimes initiate.

Would it be wrong of me to not discourage these aspects of our system normally considered "disordered"? I really don't mind not remembering things, my headmates remind me, and my qpp is usually there to tell me what I missed. I already have other memory problems so it feels more like accepting them. Random switches are only mildly annoying at best, and have only caused trouble when a singlet in outerworld expects something of me. Letting go of control and letting my headmates figure things out has been a relief and a blessing, a freedom from the exhaustion I constantly feel. It's also been improving the mental health of the headmates we rotate out with.

But I know these aspects are quite literally part of *why* we're disordered. I know some aspects of disabilities are only disabling because we live in a society catered to the "abled" side of the false dichotomy. But I see people around the system community saying encouraging dissociation and memory separation is dangerous, wrong, and anti-recovery. We... Really need an outside opinion, if that's alright.

TLDR: Is it wrong to encourage dissociative aspects of our system when it's drastically improving our mental health?

Hi!! Thanks for reaching out anon.

Honestly, not at all. I'm super happy for you, and very glad that you take comfort in the aspects of yourselves that are meant to be disordered.

If it makes you feel any better, we entirely relate. The amnesia, dissociation, time loss, losing control, switching a lot, especially when triggered or overwhelmed, are all extremely helpful and beneficial to us. Of course they're inconvenient sometimes, and unpleasant when we try to present as sane like you said, but they formed to protect us. They literally came to be to make us feel better. There's no shame in being relieved and grateful for these coping mechanisms your brain has built in for you.

There's also no shame if they end up getting more difficult at some point. The state of your symptoms with OSDDID is notoriously fluid, it's okay if you hate your symptoms and just want to be "normal" one day, and are grateful for everything they do for you the next. There's no shame in wanting to step back, dissociate, and block everything out from time to time, or even all the time.

We are very proud of you for finding happiness where you are. Never feel pressured to change that for anybody. The most invaluable thing a trauma survivor could possibly feel is happy with themselves. Being happy or content will never ever be anti-recovery, the entire goal of trauma recovery is to be happy and accept yourself. It would only be anti-recovery if it remained maladaptive, and hurt you more than it helped, yet you continued to lean in onto it. Clearly, you're& doing great. Keep it up!

#Mod Cyn 💥 #plurality #headmates #anon #ask #osddid #traumagenic #disordered #self acceptance

[writewhatyouwanttoread]

Also. Does it bother anyone else that almost all of the writers memes are super duper downers and/or disheartening? Like every single one that I've seen this whole week is like:

"Opens doc>opens tumblr>doesn't write"

"Opens doc>thinks of writing>stares at doc>doesn't write"

"Thinks of writing>goes to computer>opens tumblr>*confused gru*>"opens Tumblr"?"

Or some variation of those

And it legit makes me just not want to write? It's extremely demotivating to be surrounded by all of these people that are constantly telling you that writing is HARD and that shit either comes out fully formed or doesn't come out at all. That you have to wait for the "muse" to write something, anything.

And I think that's a really unhealthy mindset and I hate those memes and every single one like them.

Writing is a skill just like everything else (we're ignoring writers that may have executive function issues so don't think this is directed at people that need help regulating themselves and their environment to be functional and don't find that typical advice on the topic has ever worked for them). You'd never sit on a bike stare at nothing for a moment, and say, "welp I guess the bike genie just isn't feeling it today so this isn't going to happen." And then get off the bike an hour later having done nothing.

I don't have a problem writing when I sit down to write. If I realize that I'm too tired to WRITE then I just EDIT. It's still helpful and it's still part of the process that needs to be done. Like there are steps to these things. Yes, sometimes I can sit down and just write out several paragraphs or more fully written and ready to just be edited prior to being called "done." But if I just waited for that mindset every time I'm never get anything done and when I did I'd spend way too long writing and then be burnt out for a few days.

This is what Hold Me Til I Fall Asleep looked like in progress.

I don't expect myself to dump out fully formed paragraphs or nothing. I KNOW what needs to happen in the story. I KNOW where it needs to go. And I KNOW generally how the characters I'm writing are going to react to things. So I just put in the feelings and thoughts and actions that need to be written but are holding me up and write the rest.

Here's a segment of Happier that's been blocked out but hasn't been written yet. Some of these blocks will stay the exact same between this version and the final version. Some of it will change. Be filled out more, have more description, more feeling, some details might be cut if they aren't relevant, etc.

Here's a different chapter of Happier that's even LESS defined. Barely any description, no feelings whatsoever, bare bones descriptions. Almost ALL of this will change between now and final revision.

And here's chapter summaries for a fic (Lego House) that I haven't even started working on yet. I don't have hardly anything for these chapters. Just vague scaffolding and chapter titles/lyrics that I used as prompts because it's a songfic.

Writing is a skill. It takes practice and time. I would never just decide to build a whole, working, drivable, street-legal, car and then expect myself to do it. There's so much that goes into building a car! You have to have know how to do electrical work, programming, make custom machine parts, put the pieces together with the appropriate fasteners, and you have to have the right tools.

Writing is just like that and I feel like a lot of people just don't acknowledge it? It's not this big mysterious thing. People write shit all the time for school. They just put words on the page, follow a general idea, put their name on it and turn it in. Do that! There is virtually no reason you should ever sit down to write and not write anything. Write down your "stupid" thoughts and your fully formed ideas and your basic character actions with no feelings. Write your character feelings with no actions! Just write!

I use brackets for things that aren't complete yet because at the end I can just search for "[" and the document will just take me right to it. It's also a visual blocker for my brain so that I don't have to think too hard about what's in between the brackets. I also don't erase brackets until after I've written the corresponding passage, even if that's just a single sentence.

The point is. Writing is a skill. It's not magic. Things don't just automatically appear and making memes and jokes that act like the norm is for stuff to come out complete or not at all is detrimental to being able to write consistently. There are steps and building blocks to writing. Use them. Don't tell yourself that you can only write if you write the whole thing because it "feels wrong" to do it in steps or your "brain just doesn't work that way". Maybe it doesn't right now. Maybe it DOES feel wrong. Barring some sort of actual issue, that's just because you need to practice and you need to start at the step you're actually on. Not the step you WANT to be on or think you SHOULD be on.

Don't let Tumblr or Twitter or whatever social you're using tell you that it's a normal step in the process to just sit down to write and have nothing happen. Yeah sometimes we aren't in the correct headspace to do certain things (like go for a bike ride! You might realize it's too hot or you're too tired! Fair!) But usually it's because you're starting at the wrong step or aren't giving yourself reasonable expectations. And I say this as someone who's had to help other people write a lot of papers to turn in while also completing my own .

This ended up being a lot longer than I thought it would be because I intended to just vent but apparently I had a lot more feelings about this than I thought 😆

Tldr: making memes about writing that normalize struggling with it without addressing the problems causing that struggle or acknowledging the detrimental impact that demotivating jokes have is, objectively, bad.

#writing #rambles #long post #pics #fic #writing process #sort of a writing guide? #maybe i'll actually make a writing guide now and post it here and on ao3 #that feels like it might be helpful #cause i see a lot of writing guides that i don't really find that helpful #they just feel like an overwhelming amount of info #like i might make a really basic tutorial/guide that's just bare bones basic easy steps #hmm #gonna put that on the to do list

[openly-journaling]

Wrath: Friday January 20th 2023

Was in the middle of working on a mini animation and our last nib broke and we move in a little over a week now provided the weather is good. Kind of late to order more so now we won't be able to draw for two weeks unless we desperately pull out our old tablet and learn to redraw on that thing.

I'm sobbing dying inside because we finally got off block and got our creativity back after nearly an entire year it feels like. Like we really got back into it.

I never really realized how much of a coping mechanism art was until we fell out of after healing from a lot of our trauma and now are dividing back into it since we're we're staying in the town that legitimately gave us all our worst traumas. And then of course the creativity came back.

Does make me wonder if we ever get comfortable enough if we'll ever even somewhat give drawing up. I say somewhat because we do want to try architecture but at the same time I have a feeling there a couple people down south that may very well resurface a lot of trauma for us. Which, while we don't exactly want and definitely try to avoid, it's good for our art.

So maybe our trauma isn't all bad.

But I've also come to this realization that a lot of artists really hate their art and their art style. Which is odd to us because we've been in that same boat but not to such severity. If we make a mistake we hate specifically that mistake but let it be to learn from it in the future. I think the early gentle parenting growing up that our dad gave us before foster care shattered us helped shape our confidence early on. So we don't struggle quite as much. We rarely compare our art to others and when we do it's more of an obsession over their art that we try to even semi copy that art style or implement it into our own.

Perhaps the worst hate we put on our art is when something just isn't working perspective wise or the lineart isn't working. I suppose we have worked to be perfect but perfect to us. Which was almost always good enough.

The way the whole class would stand over our shoulder in amazement and watch us draw gave us a confidence too. It made us feel good and adored. Considering we didn't get a ton of attention growing up.

It became less and less impressive to people as we got older but there are still some people that absolutely go wild for our art. We've finally found a comfortable community that loves it! The furry community has been very kind to our art.

I think our problem for so long was trying to draw furry art in front of people that decided dogs having head hair must mean that's a horse despite the different nose and sharp teeth. That was annoying. Completely different face shapes. We drew animals in front of people that preferred human art.

Which, while we still enjoy doing sometimes, we are still heavily learning and even come to learn more how much happier furry art brings us. So.. we'll stick with what we love most, what we're good at whether people like it or don't. And eventually we'll find our crowd.

I'm just glad we don't have a huge lack of confidence in our skill of art. We can look back at the oldest shit and wonder how people thought that was good. And it makes us realize that we have come a very very long way. We're proud of ourselves. Really.

Next we're going to attempt to work on more perspectives. Like this piece I'm so damn proud of. Our first drawing where we're really trying a different perspective.

No actually, that's the second one. Now that I think of it, this is our first. Unfortunately so many people want to call it inappropriate though and it never hit off. Like I'm sorry that people legit have asses? I'm sorry for drawing it right? She fell that's the whole point of this piece was just to get a literal difference in perspective. It's not like I'm exposing her or giving you a full on ass shot in the face. My god. And that was before a signature change as you can see

Anyway. We've come a very long way since then and I'm just happy with all of it. Satisfied that we can do so well.

I guess I do sometimes wish our art style wasn't so set as it is because there are definitely artists that have art styles we're jealous of. But to be fair, if we all had the same style... I think art would get pretty boring. So.. I'm glad I have a recognized art style of my own.

It does change depending on the headmate but not always. I'm not arguing with that. Hell most of our headmates can't draw at all! I'm glad to be one that can.

#art #open journal #wrath writes #day 114 #art talk #furry artist #furry #tw; trauma mention

[write-feel-live-love]

Welcome to the Happiness Project

So I don't know if you're familiar with Gretchen Rubin, but she has this thing called the Happiness Project. She also has a great podcast called Happier. I highly recommend it.

Anyway, if you want to learn more about her, go for it. I'm writing about my own Happiness Project, based off of hers. The gist of it is that you need to pick a theme per month (some aspect of self-improvement) and then pick mini goals to achieve that lead you closer to that theme.

So here's my first entry:

Month #1: Heal

I learned in therapy recently that I have been depressed for 6 years. Yes, this was news to me. I'm apparently really good at denial. Like.. Pro Level. Even more recently I discovered I've been depressed since I was 12. Again, Pro Level of denial.

I've always been someone to take my labels seriously and when I heard this news, I spiraled for a hot minute. I didn't know how to adjust this new label into my current life: Mother. Wife. Teacher. Where does Pro Level Depression Denier fall?

So I decided maybe it was time to step back and heal. Before I get too deep, you need to know one thing. It's been almost a year since I had my second child and post-partum depression/ anxiety has kicked my ass.

Goal #1: Start a new vitamin to combat the hair loss that my beautiful baby caused. Surprisingly, this one might actually be working. I showered tonight and not nearly as much hair fell out of my head as usual. Still could have been a wig for a small doll, but we're getting there!

Goal #2: Do a session of yoga or walk on the treadmill for 15 minutes every night. This one has also gone surprisingly well. I've only missed one might when depression hit a little harder than normal. But with the support of my fantastic husband, we got back on track the next night. Again, I started this project mid-way through March so this might not actually be THAT impressive, BUT I have 2 children under the age of 5. I think it's a pretty fucking great start.

Goal #3: Continue to work on banishing oil. I'm working my way into a new religious path. Part of which values protection. Right now, I'm working on banishing negativity from my life. Hence, banishing oil. Currently basking in the moon light charging up so I can actually use it in a ritual this week. (P.S.- No judgment please, I'm not here for it.)

Goal #4: Make Spring Break plans! I'm a teacher. I'm a burnt out teacher. Who has two small children I still have to watch over Spring Break because I created them and am responsible for them. Hence, we need to get the fuck out of the house next week or I'm going to go fucking crazy.

Goal #5: Identify the Top 3 things bugging the crap out of me at work (bonus if you can make a plan to work on them). I'll be honest here. I haven't gotten to this one yet. Work is hard right now. State testing is upon us, the kids know Spring Break is coming. Every one is burnt out and checked out. I still have a week left of March. I got time!

Goal #6: Make a list of the things that make me feel sexy. My sex life is in the trash. Post-partum and regular depression have taken my will to bone. I used to be a machine. So, to combat this, I need to find what makes me feel sexy again. So far, and pathetically, clothes have been it. Until I thought about it, and realized that somehow dancing also works. I need to give this some more thought, but yeah. We're getting there.

Last Minute Goal #7: 24 for 24. Also stolen from Gretchen Rubin. As indicated by the disclaimer. This one is last minute. So I don't have an update for this yet. It's coming.

So yeah. If you've read this, thanks. If not, it's all good. This is more for me than for anybody else anyway. I've been told that if you want to be a writer, write. I used to write all the time to express my thoughts and learn how I really feel. (Kind of informs the name of this blog, which I'll explain some day.) So here I am. Writing to figure out who this new person is, if the old me is in here somewhere, and how those two people are going to get along for the rest of my life.

#self care #self improvement #self awareness #happiness project #happiness #depression #coping #goals

[the-firebird69]

And we figured out what the problem is and we have ships there and we see them trying to sneak around all over the place and we are going after them and we have tons of groups out there now they're a little miscreants and we'll say it until they're out

Savage Oppress

I'm helping too and I went back and I looked and I sent it out

Zues

Good

Hera

We have several battle groups moving towards that area and they're big and hefty and have a lot of armament and we're going to assign them and we're going to build more and right now we do hear what he's saying we need to be able to handle it all

Thor Freya the guy is working on the shed and he emptied it to do that and it is John remillard well yeah and he had his apartment storage door opened and was taking stuff out of it to put it into the shed while he's working on it so he is probably getting pushed out of that apartment and he's not going to put something else in there and an odd question how much stuff is it going to put in there and it's probably room for both apartments and he's in the house and he is going to stay in the house he says and that's not true so people are wondering what the hell he's doing and he might be disassembling it and it might not be his and he might try to move it into the woods some things didn't make sense like why empty out that storage area and so he's filling everything up he's in the house but he's renting it from Mike too who is going to kick him out and they're going to kick them out and try and get rid of them the stupid lord of the reason

-New Zealand is emptying out we were at 65% capacity 3 days ago of their recent numbers and they are going down to probably 45% tonight and lower tomorrow and it's going to become rapid there's an invasion Force being prepared by the pseudo empire they're taking all their hardware and they're going to use it there and they need it they plan to take over a ship and to Commander it and they need that pretty badly. In just a few days by the time the weekend rolls around that that will probably be in their possession and mac daddy is going to help with the apartment and he was happy that you explain the pee thing and the hands and like he had he was saying is pee on his hands cuz you said they pooped on his throne and he says I guess I've never had a throne except for my toilet they started laughing and he said you sat on one I said I'm sat on plenty of toilets I hope they weren't offended cuz it was their thrones and he said laughing and laughing and says I get it though you're just so you can chairs here and that's a chair over there I don't think I've ever said and he says I don't think so cuz that's a relief oh Jesus and she's laughing because Grandma does that stuff to him she is a great person and fun to be there with and you got to get around but you know she had rules on me and stuff she had rules on me but she was keeping them in line and he got really angry and said you're kidding so he's looking at what she's doing and she's not letting him do stuff and he got mad and trying to figure out what happened it was the idiot and he doesn't do anything so he was mad about that but happy you straightened it out he's happier now but he has to say something says what about her if she gets out I mean really so he got really mad again so stop talking about it and her son was amazed he said boy that is some vehement stuff and he said I don't think I've ever sat on a throne so all I said I was I sit on pauper seats and he's going oh oh so he sort of got something he's poor and nobody cares. He had to talk with a Mac he said this kid is wealthy and he won't let him have any and he's royalty and you won't let him be that at all and what are you doing you're nuts and they said these people they're completely insane they're going to try and extort it. And he goes do they realize that I killed the feeling when I can't say I can't do they realize I killed and then you said oh you can't say that can you and so the Mac said I don't understand what you say and he said I do of course it'll be a swarm or some stupid crap forever you can't stand this guy Billy h and they said laughing it is so awful so they're like winter wonder what it's coming next on the Pike and someone said the clones they keep dying. And he started laughing and said it's going to turn into a real nightmare so people are not laughing who are here but really they're the idiots and it does turn into a real nightmare they just keep dying and dying it's the same character but for real he had a hard time today and Tommy F has to go hey discussed it and said the guy is a nut they're going to kind of lose and they're going to cut him loose and they're going to take over New Zealand and they're at it tonight and it will go pretty quick cuz they're there and their arm I mean it's running down and pretty soon they won't have any

-on top of that the warlock fleet is disappearing it is almost gone the half billion. And yeah after this foreigners get involved so she goes good. And the fleet is down to 1.5 billion and it's small and they are going to lose probably 500 million in the attack tonight with 1 billion ships there not going to do too well and they're sitting there now they go after the remainder and that is the Mac morlock the minority morlock and miscellaneous only have about 2 billion chips and they're keeping it for defense mostly only so people respect that and it's going on now that they are beginning to talk to Tommy f and that's the empire too they want them out is sick of it they're competing and they're going to lay into it probably if that is the status on The fleets there's more happening right now than before several things of opened up oddly enough

-the diamonds offshore of Florida and on the West Coast they are examining them and they're getting the ships out of three of the tunnels and they need the ships desperately and I need the diamonds badly they're trying to make a ground beef on their Islands and they're trying to make it real fast and they can get the lasers they just have to do it.

-they're excavating out about 400 ft deep and it's 10 miles out is another 400 below it but they're doing that from the tip of Florida all the way to Tallahassee in the next few days so here out to 10 miles but they're going to do out to 5 mi all the way down and that way they're going to be right at the entrances and they're going to map them out and get ready to take small ones out once the ships are out so they're going to in the next three days take the ships out and the small diamonds will be right after on Friday Saturday and then they are continuing to work on the diamonds in the sand and the little 400 they said and they're going to try going deeper after the small ones are out there's a reason to do it you want to wait till the depressurizes a little because it's going to be current inside the sand.

-her son had a quick conversation with bja and he said I don't know about that and he said it to John remillard who said how soon are they going to go so I think the start the next cycle tomorrow so that would be how long does a cycle and he says probably four or five days and we said we can get them before 5 trillion and he said what model is probably the V-Rod and he said yeah he picked a different one but that was what he wants and he knows a outfitted and we have a lot in storage but not that many and he can't get them out anyways he has like two trillion in stores and we check today should be okay but so we're starting to wonder and he didn't say anything so now we'll probably get inquiries there's a lot of stuff like that too that we could be breaking out if they sold us the companies and we have areas like that and there are four wheel drive vehicles and all sorts of stuff that might be why they're not selling and what we'll do is ship it up north they said where said I don't know where the hell are you Oregon and Washington or the upper Midwest is easier he said well that's stupid why is it a problem and he said no so I'll send you something you just don't want to ship it to us out there so yeah cuz you ship it up there and certain places you can outfit and he goes okay it's probably better there I don't think you're there anymore and it's not really in a small place in Oregon but they can make a big one so he's decided what to do. He says he better hurry up okay well we'll sign a deal and you sign over that area and assigned into the contract delivered this lot here and this one here and this one up here and it's slated for this to do this you know you're going to do make a snow farm I don't care how you say it and then he goes okay for use in the upper Midwest Great lakes region so he says laughing and says we're going to get on this and he's trying to poison a bit but okay we have to go up there so now it's going to be this he's going to sit down and talk about it and he's saying we don't know what the hell to do but if you deliver this and this one this is why not like a phased ownership thing of an area and signed over and it'll deliver and then we'll sign over another area like 10% each area or whatever it is 5%, they said that's a good idea and you make a general overall agreement with a schedule it's going to be rapid like three areas a day so he said that's pretty good or more and so we think it's going to do it and people don't want it like the clones so he's going to hear from them and probably force them to and a sunset is probably going to happen is a precinct 13 he says no don't say that and that's not the movie that's going on but we're going to get back on track they have a lot of conflicts happening and there's some new ones

##there's like 15 billion people fighting in westborough over our son's money they heard about the fire and Doug and what he was after and Brian admitted it and he knew about it and also they said we got to get up there and all fighting in town and higher ups going in and out and yeah that video is going to start probably tomorrow they're fighting pretty hard and her son hit more money and Tommy F just grabbed it so they're going around finding stuff and he didn't hide any in stow. He didn't get any money he was just getting lunch money and he spent it on lunch so it started in westborough his parents had a trust it's a living trust now it's a trust and they set it up and stowe and you do spell it with no e and he knows that and it's probably at least amount of money right now and we know it's a decent amount it started to install and they kept going and after a while westborough they kept it but they kept it in stow it is a bank and they never took it out and it is for him if something happens to them and he didn't know anything about it and they forgot to tell him and they felt bad and sick and couldn't figure it out but it's a bunch of money and he's asking if I told and got his wife vital and got his wife to look into it and Jennifer Merrick and she says don't use that name and okay.. so she gets the idea is ridiculous he says do you want to get married again and he says I can give it a whirl I can find the same ring this is awful she says that's a good it's a good deal of fun I'll have to get Pontiac going again for Christ's sake what else do you have to do I have to move that s*** over to a house it's not built yeah I've had enough of that. So he is reinforcing the shed to keep his stupid stuff in and it's not really his shed and really it seems like he might move her stuff out of the apartment and she's looking at thinking that's what he's up to it is kind of and she watches and says don't put that in there and don't put that on there and Hera is laughing cuz that's what she does. There's a couple more things happening besides westboro being a blaze and stow is not going to help them. It is around $300,000 and the max know about it.

-and his money in the wall after bja left and he sealed it up on both sides it's a bunch of money okay I didn't know a ton about money or something he's counting it and counting it and he puts it in there trying to remember something it wasn't $50,000 it was like 10 grand and it's true it's so much it was you more places but okay it's a heartache he's got money everywhere Hera has a bunch of money and she has a lot of in Banks and people are figuring it out and she was in westborough ask Melissa she had two Banks when was his Bank US Bank and she put in 45,000 that she made working with dogs. And she smiled and she said that's a lot of money and he keeps giving me money and she put in $20,000 he gave her one day she said how are you getting this and he says I take money out so it doesn't look like I have a lot of money and she goes and traced it and found people knew about it and started trying to whack them, one day she said you're horrible and then she figured out not many people knew and start nailing them and it wasn't really all higher-ups it was hardly any of them and she cleaned up a lot of them and she had another account it was Bank of America back then and she had about 200 Grand and it's from her job after and it was in Grafton they paid a lot of money and she took the money out and now she couldn't get it out they wouldn't let her take it out it was a crazy people she tried taking 20 grand out and they wouldn't let her they said we need proper ID so she tried to get a passport and she couldn't get a passport she had several times she tried to get a certified ID and they wouldn't do it and he goes away with that way you get a passport you need a birth certificate and she had one and they said it's fraudulent and she looked at it says I'm from westborough and you know who I am and she said I'm sorry but we can't do that and you'll have to go now so she tried to make it and have them do it it didn't work no I've never heard of that and the bank manager okay taking like 500 bucks start taking 500 bucks out a day and she's they said it's suspicious activity and she said I have a health problem and I said okay so she took it out once a week twice a day and then one day they said we have to shut that off and she had like 30 grand has enough to move and it was covered money so she said I'm going to go back there and take money out twice a week she did it for a month and she only has like $20,000 left and so she said she goes in and she said I'd like to transfer half into a CD here and so they did it for her and she said I want proof of ownership and so forth so they gave her a receipt and she didn't have that kind of so and he said what is this for is it's for savings I said no the CDs as it is to leave in there and a crew interest and so they kept talking about it and gave her the receipt on the way out they said this you'll never find your way back here to get it and you know that watch back again says what did you say and she said nothing she said something like keep your mouth shut so don't you woman and she knows why is it so hard to understand we go around we don't get anything wait a minute so should you have to avoid them making you ill so you have to buy them things like drugs and he said it why she's leaving she goes thank you have a nice day. So all things you said we wish you had a guardian angel and said you can hire him in New York City and she started laughing. And Melissa was in the car laughing and she said I can't believe he's helping me well I'm from the future and still be there going doiii

We have to print it's pretty huge

Thor Freya

I have to comment after all that and yeah okay he's saying stupid stuff but really I went in there and I didn't have a good time and they're bothering me each time that's hard to figure out something these men are a bunch of pictures these poor pieces of s*** are b****** and their assholes they watch all these pennies and so annoying it hurts so bad listen I'm talking about this s*** so go around town in the new town and it's like Paris if she if she needs money she just goes and takes us and the guys are just sitting there with a ton of money and she took a lot of money and she needed to buy stuff and they would let her at her money so she go in their house and take a big shitload and she turned the cameras off lot of times you burn the house down because they're so mean I started doing that I'm taking stuff clearing out a house here and there went in and it was kind of movie trapped so I called in our guys and took some booby traps out and stuck him in his office in his car and the guy blew The smithereens so you guys don't do that to us and that's how I usually do it I need cover and it's hell on Earth and he doesn't have any cover he has to do is a real thing and he doesn't nasty and is stupid so he's sitting there ripping you a new one today and you're standing there with your mouth open saying this dumb s*** and it turns out to be Tommy f and nobody is identifying with it yet and they will pretty soon he starts calling your numbers what you are really doin

Mop