#but for personal reasons episode two hit so close to home for a second I thought Alex j newall had acquired access to my medical records

[syrren]

“The artist becomes the canvas!” - TMAGP 002: Making Adjustments

#tma #the magnus protocol #tmagp #the magnus archives #fanart #the magnus protocol spoilers #tw: body horror #kinda??? #this is the most vague fanart i could possibly post im so sorry #i swear i've also started drawing the actual. yaknow. characters? #but for personal reasons episode two hit so close to home for a second I thought Alex j newall had acquired access to my medical records #so I had to get this out of my system LOL #myart

[demonsanddemogorgons]

Sunny in Philadelphia - A Joseph Quinn Story (Chapter 16)

Chapter 16 - 110%

CONTENT WARNING: MATURE CONTENT/SMUT. MINORS DNI. Seriously, scram. And if you don't like rpf, this story isn't for you. Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.

Dinner wasn’t until 6:00 and to be perfectly honest, after the events that had just unfolded, you weren’t really in the mood to do much of anything for the day. It sucked that Drew could ruin your mood so easily, but Joe understood and was perfectly fine with spending a day on the couch, especially because he knew it was going to be stressful for you in itself to introduce him to your family later.

“It’s alright, love,” he said as he hugged you, rubbing circles on your back. “We can have a nice cuddle and binge watch your favorite show with some snacks.”

“What if I told you my favorite show was Stranger Things?” you said with a giggle. Joe smirked at you, knowing you were joking about him having to watch his own show, which he didn’t do often because it just felt weird for him. “For your sake, I will settle for second favorite.”

“And that would be?” he asked, brushing your hair behind your ear soothingly as he looked down at you with glistening eyes. Even just the way he looked at you made you weak in the knees.

“Supernatural.”

“Ah, alright. I’ve heard of that, but I haven’t seen it.”

You’ve never watched Supernatural?! God, Joe, you don’t know what you’ve missed.”

“Well, start it up then, darling,” he chuckled.  “I will grab some snacks.”

You made yourself comfortable on the couch with your favorite blanket and got into Netflix on the smart TV as Joe dug through the pantry for munchies. As you pulled up Supernatural, Joe returned with a bowl of cheese puffs and two glasses of iced tea, one for each of you.

“Thank you,” you said as he handed your glass to you and sat next to you. He pulled you into his side and rested his arm around you, pulling the blanket over to cover both of you. You rested your head on his shoulder and a hand on his chest, sighing in relaxation and briefly shutting your eyes. You wanted to really feel the comfort for a moment, absorb it with no other senses getting in the way.

“You alright, love?” He asked. He had noticed your eyes being closed. You opened them and looked up at him, meeting his concerned face.

“Yeah, I’m good. Just taking this all in.” Your lips formed into a small smile to reassure him. He smiled back, rubbing the side of your arm with his thumb. “It’s just nice to have someone here again, someone that makes me feel at ease, even just by sitting here with me. I can finally start associating warm memories with this house.”

“I’m so glad for that, darling, and so humbled to be that person for you. That’s so amazing of you to say.” He leaned down and kissed you softly, flushing you with more warmth. You were finally starting to feel at home in your own home again, and it was mainly because Joe’s arms were becoming that place for you, too. You pulled away slowly with a smile, resting your hand on top of his.

“Okay, so, I feel it’s best you start from the beginning and not where I left off. So you don’t miss things.”

“Sounds perfectly reasonable to me, darling. But are you sure you want to start it over and have to watch it again?”

You laughed.

“Joe, honey. I’ve watched it all the way through 3 times.”

He gave you a surprised smile, almost in disbelief.

“3 times?! Love, you know there’s other things to watch on here,” he joked.

“Yeah, I know,” you giggled. “It’s my comfort show.”

“Alright, well, fire away,” he said with a chuckle, handing you the remote.

You pressed play on the first episode and settled in closer to Joe, who was more than happy to hug you a little tighter.

A few hours later, Joe picked up the remote to turn the TV off at the end of an episode.

“So it was a demon that made the planes crash then?” He asked.

“Yep,” you responded, readjusting yourself on the couch since it had been a while since you’d moved.

“Interesting,” Joe hummed, pushing the reclining footrest on his side of the couch down with his legs and standing up.

“It gets better. There’s a reason it was on for fifteen seasons,” you chuckle at Joe’s reservations that weren’t as subtle as he was hoping.

“It’s good so far,” he reassured you as he cleaned up the snacks that were left on the end table. “And if it means more cuddles and binge watching with you, I’m all for it.”

You smiled and pecked his lips.

“Good. Well, it’s 4:30. I should get showered and ready for dinner.”

Joe took the snack bowls and cups to the kitchen and placed them in the dishwasher. You followed him, making your way through the kitchen to head upstairs. Joe stopped you, pulling you in by your waist.

“Hey, you feeling better?” He asked in reference to the incident earlier in the day, rubbing your cheek with his thumb. You placed your hand over his that he had positioned on your face and smiled, turning your head into his hand, and placing a kiss on his palm.

“Much better, thank you.” You pulled away and started heading towards the stairs, turning back and looking over your shoulder at him with a smirk. “But not 100%. May need a little help with that.”

Joe’s face morphed into a big devilish smile. He had caught your drift. He ran up behind you, wrapping his arms around the front of you and burying his head into your neck, lightly kissing and biting. You giggled, leading him to the stairs as if he was glued to you. He only let go so you could run up them, him following closely behind and giving your ass a playful smack. You threw the bathroom door open, the two of you lip locked and running hands all over each other. You stepped out of your clothes and let them fall to the floor. Joe did the same with his sweatpants and boxers. He lifted you up and sat you on the sink, hands roaming everywhere, leaving nowhere on your body untouched as his tongue explored your mouth. He pulled away long enough to ask a question.

“What percent are you at now?” he chuckled. You moved your eyes up and pursed your lips, pretending to think wisely for your answer.

“Hmmmm. 60,” you joked. That answer just wasn’t good enough for Joe. You knew it. He knew it. You wanted him to know it.

“Looks like I’ve got some work to do,” he smirked, lifting you up so you were straddling him and carrying you into the shower. You giggled and squealed as the water hit you, but you went from feeling light and ornery to turned on like the flip of a switch when he pinned your back against the shower wall and started his work on your neck.

“Mmmm, y-you sure aren’t w-wasting any t-time,” you stuttered through breathy moans, your core heating up from Joe’s touch. He smirked against your neck.

“I want my girl to be cheered up as fast as possible. It’s only just,” he muttered between kisses. It didn’t take long for you to feel Joe’s member bumping against your thighs. You reached down between you and started touching him, earning a deep growl against your neck. “I’m supposed to be making you feel good, but you’re being rotten,” Joe mumbled in your ear with a breathy laugh.

“Who said you couldn’t feel good, too?” you responded, almost in a whisper, pulling him in for another sloppy kiss as you continued to touch him. He put you down, and you pouted from the lack of touch for a second, until you were taken aback by being spun around and your front pinned to the shower wall. You felt Joe lean against your back until his lips were at your ear, his hot breath heating you up more than the shower steam ever could.

“You’re so bad, darling. So fucking bad,” he whispered, running his fingertips down your waist, making you shiver. He bent your hips a bit and pushed his hips against your ass so you could feel his hard member touching you. “You feel that, what you do to me?”

“Mmmm,” you moaned seductively, biting your lip as you looked back at him over your shoulder to tease him. “I could feel it more inside me.”

Joe’s eyes darkened as he comprehended your words. He took that as a challenge. He put his palm in the middle of your back to bend you over, gripped onto your hair, and slammed himself into you from behind in a matter of seconds. You wished you could say it was without warning, but it was exactly what you wanted him to do. You knew how to get him riled up, and he knew that very well. He rutted into you roughly, one hand gripping your hair, the other holding onto your hip to keep you steady, grunting a few times through his heavy breathing.

“Uhh, so good, baby. So tight,” he said through winded breaths and groans. You were releasing noises of your own, letting him know without words that he was making you feel good. “Mmm, never knew you liked it rough, darling,” he said, slamming deep into you one last time before you stood up and turned around to face him. You wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him closer against you.

“Oh, I love it rough,” you teased with a lip bite. “Please, baby. Rail me.”

Joe smirked. He didn’t have to be told twice. He gripped one of your legs under your thigh and lifted it up, lining up to go back inside you at a new angle, one you liked much better so you could be closer to him – face to face. He pulled in for a rough, wet kiss as he slid himself back inside you. You moaned in his mouth at the fullness as his tongue explored yours. You felt him hitting places inside you he wasn’t before. This position was helping him find spots that made your head spin and your legs go weak. “Mmm, o-oh,” you moaned at the newfound pleasure. “Fuck, uhh, right there, just like that. That’s 99%.” Joe smiled devilishly, proud of himself for making you fall apart right in front of him. You continued groaning and grinding against him, the pleasure increasing rapidly. Your climax was fast approaching. Joe kept his pace as he could tell. You could hear his breathing getting heavier and his grunts getting louder, indicating that his high was on its way as well.

“Do it, babe. Come for me. I’m there, o-oh fuck.” Joe knew his words had just as much power over you as his movements did, and he was trying to hold on for you. As if on command, you finished with the loudest moan you had let out. Your head fell back, feeling like it was in the clouds. The noise you had released sent Joe over the edge. The two of you grasped onto each other, continuing your rhythm to desperately keep your highs going for as long as possible as you groaned in pleasure. As the sensation died down, the two of you slowed and Joe pulled out, releasing your leg, and pulling you in for a passionate kiss. You pulled away and put your forehead against his. “So, what’s the final verdict?” Joe asked eagerly, ready to hear how much better you felt.

“Mmm,” you hummed, looking up into his eyes lovingly and stroking his cheek with your thumb. “110%.”

Joe smiled sweetly at you, his eyes shining with pride, and pulled you in for another kiss.

Story Master List

#sunny in philadelphia #joseph quinn #joseph quinn rpf #joseph quinn x fem!reader #joe quinn #stranger things #eddie munson #real person fiction #fluff #joseph quinn x reader #joseph quinn fluff #joseph quinn gif #joseph quinn smut #fanfic #joe quinn rpf #joe quinn fluff #joe quinn x fem!reader smut #joe quinn gif #joe quinn smut #writing

[cringefailcabitha]

Hope you don't mind if I brain dump about Cabby into your inbox, I don't really post about II on my own blog and also I know you always have good Cabby thoughts.

First off: man!!! poor girl was beating herself the hell up the whole episode. her personal final boss is her own internalized ableism! and like, on the one hand, after a few infamous disability related writing fumbles on AE's part it was refreshing to see something so similar to my own neurodivergent experience reflected onscreen, on the other...good god it hit close to home in a painful way.

on a related note to that, every time bot, yin-yang and clover came to her defense it warmed my little heart. like you go! make that sad file cabinet feel good about herself!

also...the only interaction test tube and cabby had was test tube thanking cabby for apologizing, which is...kinda positive? and I mean, then test tube immediately listed all the contestants except cabby to vote for, but it's...a little progress, maybe?

and FAN??? he was the last person I was expecting to be in cabby's corner! the joy it brought me when he said he wanted test tube to make up with cabby was indescribable. wingman of all time.

I do wish the episode had more cabby in it, but then I wish every episode had more cabby in it.

anyways, if you have thoughts I'd love to hear them! no pressure though

I certainly don't mind.

The lack of anything between Test Tube and Cabby is killing me like... the last time Test Tube revealed anything about what she thinks of Cabby now was all the way in Blue Buried (where she was mad for no reason despite her exit interview suggesting she would not be that angry about it. I have so many reservations about her behaviour in Blue Buried... but that's a post I almost certainly made already). And now as you stated, the only interaction Cabby and Test Tube have in this part of the finale is her saying she thinks it's right for Cabby to apologise (hasn't she apologised enough.. but whatever). And whenever Cabby comes up, Test Tube either has a thoughtful expression, or a blank unreadable one. And then when everyone is fighting about who deserves to win the most,,, Test Tube considers the merits of both Balloon and Silver as winners, but says nothing about Cabby. And then when Fan straight up says hey I thought you two would have worked it out, she says nothing about it, and then the scene has to transition to the meeting between Fan and Bot which went about how I expected.

It really feels like the writers are intentionally keeping what Test Tube thinks a secret, for the sake of something that will happen in the second part of the finale. I really hope it has something to do with Test Tube realising how much she hurt Cabby because I honestly don't think it's occurred to her. I actually think she's generally bad at noticing that stuff (the dark side of social ineptitude... rip). I don't know how apt it is to draw a comparison between how she made Fan feel in the last 2 most recent episodes of season 2 and how she made Cabby feel in episode 7 since she was closer to Fan at that point than she was to Cabby, but they're both arguably instances of Test Tube accidentally hurting someone without realising it because she was focused on doing what she thought was right. And if the resolution is in any way similar to what happened in Hatching the Plan, someone is probably going to have to point it out to her for her to realise it.

#inanimate insanity #inanimate insanity invitational #ii cabby #ii test tube #ii spoilers #iii 18 #iii 18 spoilers #please finale cabby testtube reconciliation... please... i'm dying...

[kiss-my-freckle]

Most episodes are written like their seasons - they end opposite how they start. This is the 3rd installment of my 14 episode series post. For those who don't know me, you can take and use my gifs any time you want.

3x3: The End of the Affair

3x3 opens with a Datherine phone call and Elena's hope. 3x3 ends with a Datherine phone call and Elena's heartbreak.

This episode repeats a lot in 3x5 because Elena will experience her own version of the 20s in current time. So yes, you'll find parallels between 3x3 and 3x5.

This is where things start to get heavy because Damon and Elena are in love with each other, and both are completely "in the know" about it. He has no reason to be terrified of Elena's love for him, and he's not at all shy lol. He pushed Elena to confess her love for him in 3x2. Because she confessed, you continue to see how Damon approaches her feelings for him. Understand tthis is my own interpretation of the writing.

This is Elena fighting her love for him -

This is Elena's love for him -

Damon knows fear when he sees it, so he pulls a reverse. He wants Elena to get comfortable with her feelings for him.

This is Elena's love for him -

This is Elena fighting her love for him -

Fighting one's love requires resisting temptation. The closer Damon gets to Elena, the more tempting he is. She can't be this close to Damon. He would NOT climb into bed and get that "cozy close" with Elena if all she had for him were friendship feelings. In her bed with her teddy bear, sure... but not in bed with her.

Damon is the same with her confession. Different in the fact that he has to push the confession until he hits her boundary.

Elena confessed her love for Damon because he pushed her to.

"I didn't want to see you get hurt, okay? I was… I was worried about you."

Damon's first confession push -

"You know you were dreaming about me. Explains the drool." ("What made you change your mind?")

Damon's second confession push -

"It came in a dream. I was naked. You would have loved it." ("So what changed your mind?")

Damon's third confession push -

"Ooh. Put these in the 'yes' pile." ("What changed your mind, Elena?")

He hits her boundary. This is Elena fighting her love for him -

A great battle… Elena fighting her feelings while Damon fights her fear. Just look at her reaction. The fact that he told her he was naked in his dream and she would've loved it, and said this two episodes after she literally saw him naked lol

Damon has two trains running at once... Elena's love for him and rescuing Stefan. "I had an hour to realize what a bad idea it was to leave you here alone, process it, and move on. Are you okay?" A good scene when Damon returns to Stefan's apartment. I'd gif it all, but this post would be too long. Difficult for Damon and Elena because this isn't like their other road trips. She's deep in his world, and not accustomed to his "in the moment" pace. This hasn't been her life, put it that way.

Despite Damon's love for Elena and his knowledge of her love for him, he's respectful on all things Stefan. He's truly preparing Elena to see his full-blown ripper brother, as he still believes Stefan flipped his humanity switch. That's why he offers up the chance for her to read his journal, and takes her to his apartment. Take notice how he refers to it as Stefan's "second personality" home. Sounds better than the Ripper's home.

My favorite part is his fear. He knows based on her responses that she's underestimating Stefan despite his attempts to prepare her for it. He fears she's not ready, that she's being far too casual about it, so he needs... reassurance. He will die if she doesn't take him seriously. "But you're going to have about five minutes tops before that hybrid freak rips my heart out. So please, tell me you can do this." Take notice his tone change on that last word because THIS is Ripper Stefan and Klaus is far more powerful than Ray. He's basically begging Elena for his life.

This is a truth they continue to show -

"You know, Stefan blames me for trying to tear him from his brother, but I think we both know who really came between them. You."

SHE is the reason Stefan won't come home, period.

This is Stefan not respecting Elena's choice -

I point this out because Stefan doesn't "always" respect her choice even though fans like to believe he does. Stefan sees no point. He's been feeding on human blood all summer. He feels it's a waste of time to put her at risk with Klaus just to come home and spend half her life getting straight.

A bit complicated to explain, but -

The last time you see Elena, she's telling Damon to drive. They don't show them during their car ride home, they don't even show Damon walking Elena to her door. This is their last attempt to rescue Stefan, and Stefan's last chance to take them up on their rescue. That said, their darkness and light theme continues, even in their soundtracks. Shelter by Birdy starts to play as Elena is shown holding her necklace.

♪ Can I make it better with the lights turned on ♪

"I don't want to run anymore, Nik! All we do is run."

This is where it gets complicated. The necklace, the soundtrack, and Rebekah not wanting to run. Watch how all three collide with each other. I consider this triple a foreshadow of Elena's death. No "shelter" needed. It's time for that necklace to come off.

I'm always looking at angle shots, so have this final hit -

[sadi-simps]

Update/Essay, Ninjago related

Update on me watching Ninjago, I got to the episode with the ritual and Harumi's arrest, and- Wow! The way she tried to manipulate Lloyd at the last second in the back of the police truck. 🫢 Not a good look for people who wanted them to be a couple. And as someone who has been emotionally manipulated before, I can say that she is 100% a manipulator. (At least as far as I've watched)

-She used her story to try and make Lloyd feel like he failed, that's one way she tried to get into his head.

-Before that, she pretended they weren't that different, tried to relate to him. It was obviously part of the mask she put on to hurt him.

-And the way Lloyd said "Go ahead, hurt me, but leave my father alone!" That hit close to home for reasons I don't want to get into in this blog post. She already hurt him to where he felt it wasn't going to stop, and more importantly, he would rather be hurt by her even more than see others suffer as a result of her plan.

-She put up the facade of a kind, motherly spirit by comforting baby Wu by singing. Another part of her mask.

The writing for this older season tells me that she shows clear signs of an abuser, at least that's my take on it. If that was the intent, I would say it's well done, but based on spoilers I've seen, that wasn't the intent behind her character. That's what bothers me. And the thing is, most people who are emotionally manipulated or abused by someone don't realize it until the damage is done, this is no exception. Harumi broke Lloyd's willingness to trust and see good in others.

Once you break someone's trust, you can't restore it.

I was about to watch the next episode when I realized the time, I just thought I would share my two cents on this personal blog I have before I try to sleep. Nothing too crazy, although this post has gotten long. But so far, great season, good writing for a VILLAIN, decent humor that got me to laugh a couple of times, and great animation and art style compared to how it looked when I was younger. Although I do somewhat miss Lloyd's old voice, lmao.

#screw you harumi #i used to be such a ninjago fangirl #lego ninjago #ninjago lloyd #ninjago #ninjago sons of garmadon #I'm very late to the party #lloyd garmadon #screw you lloyd #sadi essay #blog essay #taking kids shows too seriously #I forgot how much I missed this show's humor

[dreamingsushi]

Marry Me! - Episode 2

Hello! So here I am again, with this drama I just noticed existed, but which has been around for a little while already. I was actually rather pleased with the first episode, it was hitting close to home compared to the Webtoon and I like it when the live action if loyal to the written version. Also, the main lead seemed familiar and with reasons, since the actor was the main lead in The End of the World with You and I am glad I get to see him in... something hopefully better. I am glad I watched the first episode before noticing, otherwise I might have been reluctant to watch, since that drama was really a bad experience for me. Anyways! Let’s move on with this story.

So the episode starts off with Shin falling down the second floor after opening a door. I love how they insert really ridiculous things to just show that the house is pretty run down and needs a little bit of repair. It’s kind of keeping the webcomic vibe, but still being able to portray something somewhat realistic. It’s aesthetically pleasing to me. Following to that, they go to the store together to buy some stuff and get separated. So as to not worry if it ever happens again, Shin suggests that they get a phone for Himari. It’s cute to see her evolve from her gloomy side to her bright side, being happy about the smallest things.

When Himari comes back home from grocery shopping, she finds a little boy in her courtyard. Later on, we learn that he was running away from home. He ends up staying with Himari and Shin for dinner, until his dad comes to pick him up. He seems to be very shocked when he learns that Himari and Shin are married and says that they look like family, which seems to trouble Shin. On his way to work, he bumps into Takumi’s dad and asks him about it. He says he noticed nothing wrong about the two of them, as they seem very considerate of each other.

At night, Takumi is back for dinner and Himari made some gratin. Shin gives her new smart phone and Takumi wants the two of them to go to the amusement park with him. Shin is working so he can’t and Himari doesn’t feel confident to go alone. So they end up going, Takumi, Himari and Takumi’s dad. Shin is like a hen covering Himari. He doesn’t say, but he sure is worried about her going out without him. However, when they come back from the amusement park, they all look gloomy. Turns out that Takumi broke Himari’s phone because she kept looking at it instead of playing with him. Himari apologizes first and Takumi too.

Later at night, Shin finds Himari crying over her cellphone. He’s about to hug her to comfort her when somebody dares to knock at the door. No hugs, as he has to go check it out, since that person is being insistant. And it’s Shin’s colleague. The dumb boy. And his ex-girlfriend, who makes a point to tell Himari that she used to date Shin two years ago.

And on that cliffhanger, it’s the end of this episode. So far, it’s following the original story, so I’m happy. I don’t even see any change, except that it’s less cartoony. I’m enjoying myself with this one. Yet again, I guess I’m not too hard to please!

#marry me #seto toshiki #kumada rinka #jdrama #j-drama #japanese drama #drama review #drama recap #drama reaction

[ultraericthered]

Anime Update V2 35

Wolf’s Rain - YES. We finally get to meet Blue in her gloriously sexy human form, and she’s every bit as cool as you’d think she’d be. Quent really doesn’t deserve her, especially when he spends this episode getting drunk at a bar along with Hubb, and while I feel terrible for his past, his response to it being “kill all wolves!” lessens the sympathy. I felt worse for poor Lord Darcia at the start, who returned to his keep with Cheza only to find that Harmona came unplugged from her life support and has died, rendering his capture of Cheza utterly pointless. Seeing his breakdown over it was tough. Blue seems to have parted ways with our wolves and they’re headed westward to Darcia’s keep in order to retrieve their flowery friend.

Hunter x Hunter - Fortunes were read (including a fake fortune that Hisoka wrote to fool the Spiders), moves and counter-moves were made, we get to see the junkyard that the Phantom Troupe has made into their home city, and by the end Gon and Killua have come face to face with Chrollo himself, while elsewhere the last remaining holdout of the Nostrade Family’s hired help is brutally killed, with the Spiders now knowing how Kurapika looks like and will be closing in on him fast. Alll the good stuff that should’ve been included in the 1999 anime and led to its finale but didn’t for no good reason.

Fruits Basket - A stellar episode in its first half (the haunted house sequence, particularly everyone’s reaction to the tragic backstory Haru made up about one of its characters, was comedy gold!) becomes a surprisingly weak episode in its second half. I didn’t mind Arisa and Kureno hitting it off even in spite of the age gap between the two, but when they’re at the diner, all of a sudden, Arisa starts behaving in a MASSIVELY out-of-character way, having fallen head over heels in love with this guy way too quickly and acting as though she was owed this super deep romantic relationship with him that they did not have because they barely even know each other at this point! Nothing about Arisa’s character suggests she’d act this way and even that aside there is no set-up in the story for this. Kureno admitting he now has strong feelings for her too was just salt in the wound. This is a romantic subplot that had no internal logic, does its characters a major disservice, and has aged so poorly, why is it still a thing in this anime? Kureno, you can go crawling back into the arms of your master Akito and leave Arisa and Saki alone, you BIG COCK!

Rozen Maiden - The literal clock-stopping climax of this anime, where Kirakishou materializes herself into the alternate world, as apparently one of the existing Rozen Maiden sisters' body parts were made to make this body for her. At first I guessed, like Shinku did, that it was Hinaichigo’s, so the reveal that it was Souseiseki’s caught me by complete surprise. Suiseiseki also returns and, being tricky as ever, gets adult Jun to kiss her ring for a pact only to reveal that it’s her twin’s ring, which frees Souseiseki from Kirakishou. Adult Jun finally gets to meet his younger counterpart, and it looks like the story is almost ready to write Adult Jun out, which would honestly be quite the shame ‘cause I like him and all Kid Jun evokes in me here is “Man, I wonder how Mona Marshall would’ve sold this material?”

Fate Zero - The focus was mainly on Waver & Rider, and also on Ryunosuke & Caster. The two relationships could not be more different. Waver takes a lot of issues with his servant but at the end of the day they are there for each other and it’s quite wholesome, whereas Ryunosuke and Caster has the superficial appearance of wholesome friendship but...they’re insane mass murderers with warped, psychotic worldviews. And by the end Caster’s summoned this fucking Cthulhu thing that Saber, Lancer, and Rider must fight!

Senki Zesshou Symphogear - A fun and charming three person date between Hibiki, Miku, and Tsubasa. An epic comeback concert by Tsubasa that serves as her decision to take an overseas contract. Chris struggling to find her place in the world and we learn Genjuro was to become her guardian after she was rescued from trafficking two years ago, but she refused his help and still does. And a big battle against attacking Noise while the concert is going on, with Hibiki and Chris as allies. All good stuff, all in this episode. My one issue was that Tony Glaze character, the record company president. Maybe it’s just too much Pokemon exposure, but I just kept expecting him to be revealed as a major villain but nope, he does nothing.

AMC: Kill la Kill - The mini tournament arc. To be expanded on later.

AND

Happy Sugar Life - At long last, I have reached the end of this dark, twisted, tragic tale of love and pain. There’s much I could say here but I think I want to really focus on just three points in particular.

- The tension and the build-up to what was going to happen in this big climactic point of the story gave me some of the most legitimate heebie-jeebies and anxious feelings I’ve experienced in any anime. Which might explain why with everything following Auntie striking the match and setting the fire, I was a teensy bit underwhelmed? The skirmish between Satou and Asahi was rushed, the moment with the still tied-up Mitsuboshi was rushed and uncomfortable (I so wanted a fiery explosion to come from behind him and take him out of his misery already!), the confrontation between Shio and Asahi lacked some of its most crucial components (making Shio seem like just a brainwashed brat who hates her family), and even the big fall that this entire story had been building to was rushed (though the ED Credits song in the background was nice!). And that’s to say nothing of pointless bits like Asahi somehow living through getting crushed by a flaming fence, and something that bothers me in the manga too, Asahi finding Shouko’s dead body, since narratively it accomplishes nothing - Asahi already had plenty of reason to want to clobber the shit out of Satou with his bat, he really didn’t need that extra push!

- But for all that the climax was lacking, the episode more than delivered with its core objective: how it concludes the story, but especially Satou’s story (and Shio’s to a lesser extent.) Her putting together and setting in motion a plan to both dispose of her murder victim’s corpse and fake her own death while she leaves town with Shio that specifically involves putting dozens of innocent lives at risk but she thinks absolutely nothing of that (like, doesn’t even mention it once!) really shows how callous, calculating and truly sinister beyond redemption Satou is. Her downfall coming about because she forgot a sentimental item in a momentary daze of gnawing guilt over what she did to Shouko was poetic, as was her usage of Mitsuboshi fully backfiring on her and her getting beaten down by Asahi. And her death, with every thought and feeling inside her flashing during the fall ‘til she finally grasps what love is truly all about and that she was never romantically into Shio the way she thought she was, as she shields Shio from the landing that takes her life because she loves this child so much she would give her life for hers, as she wishes her to live on with her best chance at finding happiness in the world. That is just fucking beautiful. A powerful testament to the bonds of love we humans are capable of forming and how they grow and shape us.

- Lastly, there’s the final resolution and how I suspect it’s polarized a lot of people. Because suddenly, the narrative that had seemed fairly neutral up to now takes a HARD shift into being primarily on the side of Satou and Shio. The disastrous decision to head back to the soon-to-be-burning apartment complex for the ring is framed in a positive way ‘cause at least the girls are on the same page and support each other. Shio definitively choosing Satou over Asahi is played as a big triumphant moment, like Shio made the right call because Satou Loves Her Best. The double suicide (which Shio suggests to start with, what the actual fuck Shio?) is played like a pure and sweet true love moment prior to Satou’s sudden ephiphany. And in the end, it’s Satou who has the last laugh from beyond the grave, as Shio now keeps her and Satou’s “happy sugar life” alive within her heart and mind 24/7 and is essentially “reborn” as Satou’s successor, making her incompatible with Asahi and their mother. For Shio, this is a happy ending. Literally no one else is left with any such happiness, except for Auntie, who was complicit in mass murder and is all too elated to be going to jail as the sole culprit. It’s your typical horror story ending where the monster comes out on top and the de-facto good guy has failed. Except that Asahi was explicitly painted as the antagonist who we should want to see lose, with Satou and Shio as our protagonists we should want to see successful and happy? Yeah, you can see why this finale could really confound and upset people.

So, the reason I’m OK with it? For one thing, it fits the way everything was built up and feels true to where these characters ended up, but the main reason, srangely enough, has to do with Asahi. As I’ve brought up elsewhere, Asahi’s quest was ill-fated from the very start. Because he wasn’t pursuing an actual person to bring back into his actual family - he was pursuing the idea of a person in hopes of realizing the idea of a happy family. It was naive fantasy and blind faith-based optimism that he was pushing against reality, hurting himself and others the more he did so and the more reality refused to bend to his prefences. So I don’t think he was bound to fail, I think, ultimately, he needed to fail. That his own failure he’d have to face up to is the best thing that could possibly happen to him. ‘Cause now not only is Shio “released from Hell” and free to chart her own path in life in search of new happiness, so is Asahi. For as traumatic and unfair as everything has been for him, the boy can now finally begin to move beyond his past, stare down and bury his inner demons, and figure his shit out so that he may forge a better life for himself and at last find the love, peace, and happiness that he more than deserves.

Hello, and Goodbye, Happy Sugar Life...

#Anime Update #Anime Update V2

[kkusuka]

Have I told you I hate weak y/n’s that get pushed around by fangirls? No? Well, I hate them 😊

Let’s have Oikawa, Atsumu, Akaashi, Semi, and Terushima react to their normally calm gf, beat the dog shit out of a fangirl that tried to intimidate her for dating said men above. Reader just has a soft smile before cocking her fist back and boxing her shit before holding up the fangirl and looking to the rest like “You wanna end up like her? No? Then know your place~ ☺️”. Then she faces her bf with a sweet smile and says something affectionate like “I brought you lunch, dear. I made it just how you like it 😄” before kissing his cheek like she didn’t go Muhammad Ali on a bitch

<3

Oikawa Tooru<3

Oikawa’s had more than a few less than pleasant experiences with women

Considering he’s always been surrounded by them, from his sister's friends in middle school and being swarmed by them in High school and college- having women around him was nothing new

And for the most part, they were all pleasant

Giving him little gifts and food- that he always gave to you- and just telling him how much they loved watching him play

All things he can deal with before talking to his favorite girl, you

Though, there have been instances of some bold woman who just never get the hint

Whether it be drunkenness or some weird dream of having Oikawa to herself or just blatant disregard of his relationship

And right now just happens to be one of those times- but now you got a firsthand view of the madness.

Whoever this was clearly didn't understand relationships or personal space for that matter

She had a hand on his chest and was just blubbering about how she would be the best wife for him and would make life so much easier- much more than you do for him- and that was just what you saw from the ten seconds you were in earshot

He would normally laugh it offend continue seeking out autographs but he seemed to be locked in an iron maiden

“I promise! Forget about your girlfriend, she’s useless anyways!” and finally a perfect chance to make yourself known

“Tooru, I have your lun-” you attempted to grab him away, him shooting a pleading look to save him before your wrist was snatched from his arm and tugged away and shoved to the side then pushing your body away from the two

“Back off bitch!”

Now,  you were normally a pretty calm person, you knew how to deal with the women and you have been for years.

But you stand by the fact that it was never ok to put your hands on someone- no matter the situation.

But at that moment, you could care less about your silly reparations and breathing methods, that lady put a hand on you and pushed you

You could hear Tooru telling her to keep her hands off you but you just looked around and made sure that everyone saw what had happened, you don't need to be arrested anytime soon

Grabber her arm you detached her from your boyfriends and in the next second your fist was connecting with her face, watching her wither on the floor you turn to your boyfriend who’s now coming towards you

“As I was saying, I have your lunch.”

Atsumu Miya<3

Another guy who’s constantly surrounded by women

Although he is far less appreciative and nice to them, and he makes it a point to be abundantly clear that you are the only woman he will spend the rest of his life with

Something that wasn't too popular with a few specific fans

Every blue moon someone will find his phone number and blow it up with loving messages or try and get his address

The worst it’s been was someone finding his apartment number and thankfully being too far away to come by themselves but they did send some inappropriate images to his PO box and that led him to create an even thinker line between fans and himself

Thankful, the whole of them understood and respected his boundaries

Buuuuut there are always people who go the extra step

Like whoever this is crowding your boyfriend after a win against the Alders with a giant poster of him and a …. Thong

If you were the slightest more stoic you would have held in the laugh that started it all but it seems crazy is crazy no matter how you provoke them

That lady heard you laugh and the flood gates opened, in a split second her hand was on your cheek then she was on the floor holding what you could hope was a broken jaw

You didn't even realize you punched her until a shooting pain went up your wrist

Though before you had a chance to return to your lovely boyfriend, who was standing in the same spot shell shocked (and slightly turned on)  hand grabbed your ankle the flung you to the ground

It was, for lack of a better term, a catfight

She was hitting you and you were hitting her and she was screaming random shit about how awful you were to her precious Atsumu- seriously this lady was insane

Nevertheless, security arrived, and let’s just say that you were in much better condition than she was, who knew you could fight so well?

Though you weren't allowed to come to the next game and had to apologize to the heads of the Volleyball association, Tsumu was proud of you and the internet was on your side- so it was kind of a win-win

Akaashi Keiji<3

He surprisingly doesn't have a swarm of fangirls around him

But it’s much much worse, you’d rather have a mob of girls around him than the four specific psychos that never leave the poor guy alone

Everywhere in school at least one of them is watching the two of you, in class, at lunch- no matter where you try and eat- you swear you even saw one at the boba show you pass on your walk home with him

The worst part?

He thinks it’s funny.

It is hilarious to him that you try so hard to keep them away full knowing he would never leave you for the likes of them. It’s just too cute how you puff up your cheeks and huff about them and honestly, it's a breath of fresh air considering how much everyone kisses up to him

Well- he likes it when they are at a distance

On the off chance they get close to him, it's a different story. They truly are intolerable, and they away try bad-mouthing you to him like it was supposed to mean something that they don't like you

And they only ever do it when you’re away- cowards they truly are. And since they’re always watching, as soon as you left to buy the two of you lunch, one of them was on him in an instant

She was annoying and all she could say was ho you were a ‘poison’ in his life and he had to leave you as soon as possible

He didn't even realize you were there until a hand grabbed the back of her uniform and flung her off him. And from the looks of it, falling on the ground really hurt

“I’m a poison? That’s all you could come up with?”

You didn't even have to say another word, she was already out of sight

Not missing a beat, you handed him his lunch and started talking about the latest episode of the volleyball anime you loved.

Semi Eita<3

First off- a total power couple

Not only are you willing to beat a bitch, but he’s also ready to hype you up while you do it

It’s not confirmed you have, but there are rumors that you fought more than a few girls who were less than pleasant. And it’s not like you do anything for rumor control, you just laugh and turn the other way

Still, even with the rumor mill running rampant, some girls still try and shoot their shot

But this girl has to be the boldest woman on planet earth

Not only was she flirting with an openly taken man, but she was flirting with him as he held his arm around your waist. She even looked at you as she spoke to him, the audacity of people these days

“You like music? That’s crazy, I do too!” you wanted her to shut the fuck up as soon as possible.

What pissed you off more was that he knew exactly what he was doing, and he was letting it happen to spite you.

What happened after this you blame solely on the alcohol the party was providing and not on the fact you wanted to clock this girl the moment you saw her

It was just that suddenly your drink was in her face

Then her drink was in her face, and she was running to the bathroom, maybe she should listen to rumors more often because you don't think strawberry daiquiri will come out of a white crop too so easily

Terushima Yuji<3

He’s an ass

But he’s your ass, somehow

He’s a manwhore and an attention-whore, mix that should have been shot before it could grow into something more

By now you're used to the girls slipping him their numbers and hitting him up on every social media site possible and you remain happy to say he doesn't respond- probably too busy dicking you down to care about any of them

Plus, less than 1%  of them actually approach them in public, and they just happen to be the most insufferable people on the planet.

Desperation doesn't even describe it

Of that 1%, at least half of them try to touch him, running a hand on his arm, tugging at his clothes, maybe even a strand of his hair, all you can deal with because he knows what’ll happen if he even entertains their advances

But for some reason, the only thing that sets you off is when they mention the tongue piercing.

It invokes a rage unknown within you, the second the metal ball’s mentioned you see red. And he fucking loves it, you could be three prefectures over and the second the girl mentions it, you magically appear at his side like you’d been there the whole time

All of a sudden you’re all over him, disregarding this girls words as she tries to bring the conversation back to her, going as far as grabbing your shoulder, and since she touched you first- you had the green light

Your arm pulled back and your fist connected to her cheek

And like nothing ever happened you turned back to the blond

tags: @diamond-3 @rinsangel @heyheyitsne @angelalje @monisi @crystal-lilac @sadpotato10

#oikawa tooru #oikawa x reader #oikawa tooru x reader #oikawa smut #atsumu miya #atsumu x reader #atsumu miya x reader #atsumu smut #akaashi x reader #akaashi keji x reader #akaashi keiji #akaashi smut #semi eita x reader #semi eita #semi x reader #semi smut #terushima yuji x reader #terushima x reader #terushima smut #terushima yuuji #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu smut #hq x reader

[moonice20408]

Thirty-Six Months Part 2

Pairing: Spencer Reid x FemReader

Category: Mostly angst

Summary: Continuation from Part One

Content Warning: Basic episode stuff and spoilers for seasons 8-11.

Word Count: 8371

A/N: Sorry to those who were waiting over a month for this, I wasn’t originally planning to do a part 2 so didn’t have a plan on where it was going to go, or what was going to happen. Hope it was worth the wait. Probably typos. Not my gif.

36 Months ago, you’d hit the ground running.

Which you convinced yourself was a good thing. It meant you were too busy to think about recent events, and could occupy yourself with all the new things. New job, new co-workers, new city. New streets, and coffee shops and take out restaurants. Enough new to keep your mind off the old. You needed new. New was good.

So you kept telling yourself.

You’re new team were super welcoming, and you felt you were settling in to the group nicely. Turns out, two former members of the team had left, quite recently, hence the need for an immediate transfer. One retired, and the other leaving for personal reasons. The team had shared a look when telling you that, and you felt it best not to pry. Therefore, that meant there was plenty for you to help catch up on, so you were constantly busy, and had no time to dwell on personal matters.

You had a new apartment. Smaller than your last, but you liked it. It was close to work, and had a pretty decent view. You spent a lot of time decorating, and rearranging. Maybe more than you needed to. But again, it kept your mind off everything.

Mostly.

There was that constant, hollow feeling in your chest. Which, for a week or so, was easy to ignore. You put on a smile for work, not mentioning the reason you decided to move units, just saying you wanted to pursue a different path. But it felt like the more you disregarded it, the heavier it started to feel. And after a long day, when you were to tired too ignore it, the emptiness just grew and took over. Yes, new was what you needed right now. But you missed the old. You missed Penelope’s smile, and Derek’s jokes. JJ’s advice. You even missed the way Hotch looked sternly down at you all when the bullpen was getting a little disruptive. You missed girls nights, dinner at Rossi’s and eating takeout late at night around a cramped table in some tiny police precinct in the middle of nowhere.

You missed home.

And then you’d think of him, and then it was all just anger and hurt and embarrassment.

He’d tried to call you the day you left for New York. But you shut your phone off after the second attempt, and he hadn’t tried again since.

The others had tried too, and had left messages or texts when you didn’t answer them either. Which you did feel guilty about. They hadn’t done anything wrong.  Penelope had text you a lot. To start with, asking if you were okay, and telling you she was there if you wanted to talk. After a week of nothing, she switched tactics and it was just things like a picture of the cupcake she’d brought, or some random thought she’d had. And honestly, that helped. She was still there, waiting for you to reach out when you were ready.

Now, tucked up in bed, looking at the last picture she sent you this morning, you decided you’d actually ring her back tomorrow. Just to let her know you’d settled in, maybe tell her she should come and see the new place.

 35 months ago, you had a few days off.

You’d planned to get all your errands done and out of the way in the morning, and relax a little before going back to work. And everything was going to plan till Penelope’s name popped up on your phone.

She had insisted the two of you not lose contact, and made you promise the two of you would chat at least once a week. Sometimes it’s just about life in general, sometimes to vent after a stressful day at work. So far the pair of you had managed to avoided a certain sensitive subject, and you were intent on keeping that way.

“Hey Pen.” You answered, taking a seat on the couch.

“Yeah… Hi.” Her voice was quiet and unsure.

You sat up straight. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing!” She answered quickly. “Well, not nothing. We’re all okay! Sort off. It’s just, um, something happened, and it feels like something I should tell you, but at the same time I don’t know if you’d want to know. And I don’t want you to be upset or anything, especially since you’ve just had a whole fresh start and-”

“Penelope.” You stopped her rambling. There was an uneasy feeling in your chest.

“Sorry, it just… It’s… about Spencer.”

You took a deep breath. “Okay.”

“…And the woman he was writing.” He voice was quiet again.

Your body tensed, and you bit down on your tongue. Did you really want to know? She had just said you might not want to know… But if you ended the conversation now, you knew you’d be up all night with a hundred different situations running through your head… Though things had just started to get a little easier and talking about him would just set you back again.

Penelope’s voice interrupted you thoughts as she called your name.

Clearing your throat a little, you replied, “Yeah, I err…” You sighed. “What’s going on?” You asked anxiously. If she didn’t think you needed to know, she wouldn’t have called.

“So… Well, her name was Maeve Donovan. Reid came to us the other day, adamant she was in trouble.”

She paused long enough for you to see where this was going already. “Was her name?” You whispered.

“Yeah... She, err, she’s dead. She died last night.”

Your breath hitched, and your whole body tensed. You opened your mouth to say something, but what could you say to that? It felt like your mind was racing, but you couldn’t tell what it was trying to figure out.

“What, um… What happened?” You pinched the bridge between your eyes, and dragged your hand down your face as you fell back into the couch.

Penelope told you everything. Maeve had a stalker, which is why she had insisted those letters be under fake names. Spencer had made plans to meet her in person. He got a suspicious call on a payphone. The team had managed to figure out who she was, where she was. Spencer had tried to save her.

And she was shot in front of him the first time he saw her.

“I wasn’t there, obviously, so I’m not sure exactly what happened. Morgan called me after he got Spencer home.”

You hadn’t spoken the entire time she talked. What were you supposed to say? And how were you even meant to feel about it? You couldn’t quite bring yourself to be sad about her death, as awful as that was. It’s not like you knew her, or would ever want to know her. And you’d spent the past month blaming this woman for ruining your life.

But she was still dead. And you weren’t a monster. As much as you hated the stranger, you could never be glad someone was gone.

You’d spend hours at night pondering who that woman could be. How could someone be that much more appealing to your boyfriend, despite the fact he’d never even met her? He didn’t even know her name! To start with, you had the image of the worst person in the world. Who does that to someone? Just waltz in and take the man you pictured your whole future with! You’d remembered Spencer saying she was a geneticist and had thought about figuring out who she was just so you could report her for having inappropriate relations with a patient and get her sacked out of nowhere.

It dawned on you then, that Spencer had definitely not mentioned you.

She had absolutely no idea who you were. She was probably really nice and really pretty, and was obviously super smart, and of course she would be into Spencer, cause why wouldn’t she?

“You still there?” Penelope’s voice pulled you back from your thoughts.

“Yeah.” You sighed. “Sorry, I just…”

“Yeah…” She replied quietly. “You gonna be okay? I know this is probably the last you what to talk about or thought was gonna happen, but honestly everyone’s found this weird. Like we’re all still super mad at him, but… looking into her life… It feels weird.”

You scoffed. “Yeah. Weird’s the word.”

“Right, sorry. More weird for you I’m sure.” She quickly resorted.

You smirked a little at that, before letting out a sigh.

“You still got tomorrow off work?” You’d mentioned the few days off to her when you talked last.

You huffed a small laugh, knowing what she was about to suggest. “Yup.”

“Cause Hotch gave us a few days off too, so I was thinking if you wanted to talk some more about stuff..? Or not talk about it. Either way… wine.”

“Wine sounds good.”

“I’ll book a flight now.”

 31 months ago, the BAU was in New York.

You were just finishing up at work when you got a text from JJ, asking if you were free for dinner that night. Sending back a slightly confused response, she told you the team had a case, and she’d kick herself if she didn’t take the opportunity to come see you. You smiled at that, and the two of you agreed on a time and place.

Rounding the corner to the restaurant, you spotted JJ already waiting outside.

“JJ!” You sped up a little.

She turned with a big grin and met you have way with a tight hug.

“Ah, it’s so good to see you again!”

“You too.” You beamed, pulling back.

The pair of you made your way inside and were seated at a small table.

“So what’s the case?” You asked her.

“Ugh,” She shook her head. “Get this, Hotch is actually taking a proper vacation for the first time in forever, and he gets a call from his brother about this-”

“Hang on.” You stopped her. “I’ve known you how long now, and no one’s ever mentioned that Hotch has a brother?”

She chuckled at you, and raised her eyebrows. “They’ve not talked for a very long time.”

By the time your food arrived, JJ had given you a rundown of the first time she’d seen Sean in the office arguing with Hotch, and told you everything she knew about the rocky relationship. She continued into how he rang Hotch in the middle of the night about an overdose case that linked back to a woman he’d seeing. You’d heard about the death at the nightclub, and there had been talks of some new drug on the streets, but you hadn’t had time to look into the details yourself. JJ asked about your work too, and you told her all about the team, and the mountain of paperwork still on your desk. Some things would never change.

Deciding to shift the conversation from work, you asked about Henry. And she was more than willing to show you pictures from the last few month, updating you on everything he’d done and how he’d grown.

Then she shifted the conversation.

“What about you though? Anything, or anyone we should know about?”

“JJ.” You whined.

“What? Garcia keeps us up to date, and all you talk about is work. We’re worried.” She raised a brow at you.

You sighed, and pushed around the food on your plate. She had a point, outside of work you kept to yourself as much as possible. You went to the gym alone, grabbed coffee alone… You’d joined your colleagues for a drink a few times, but you were the first to leave when you had.

“I’m fine.” You defended.

JJ just stared at you.

“Okay, maybe I’m not great. But I’m better than what I was. It’s just hard, y’know.” JJ nodded. “It’s not like I wanted to leave.” You mumbled.

“Hotch would bring you back in a heartbeat if you asked.” She told you.

You gave a small, sad smile. “I can’t JJ. It wouldn’t be the same. Everything hurt… Then when I at the very least got into a routine, Penelope called and told me about… all of… that… And then it all hurt again, and I just angry and confused… And it just felt like everything was for nothing, y’know?”

She reached over and rubbed your arm that was resting on the table.

Biting your lip, you met her gaze. “How is he?”

JJ hesitated for a second, before living her shoulders slightly. “He’s…Spencer.” She said, which was an answer in itself. “He hardly spoke to anyone when you left.”

You gave a small scoff. It was his fault in the first place, why should he get to be upset about it?

“Morgan and Garcia were pretty tough on him for a few weeks.” She carried on. “Then Hotch is calling us all in about a missing woman that no one knew anything about. And, well you know what happened. And then he just shut down. Didn’t see or hear from him for weeks… Then when he did come back… he just acted like nothing had happened. Just straight back to work, and dodged every question.”

Yeah, sounded about right.

You let out a deep sigh, and decided you were done talking about Spencer.

“What about the others? How they all doing?”

 30 months ago, you saw him.

At a funeral of all places.

It was Hotch who had called last week to tell you Erin Strauss had been killed. You had sat in silent disbelief as he explained how quickly everything had happened in the city after the case involving his brother. A month before you left the BAU, you’d been told about a copycat how had sewn the mouth of his victims shut, like that of The Silencer. But nothing more ever came of it. However, turns out, after you left, another string of killings had been recreated, and it appeared someone was targeting the team.

Pretty much the entire time you had been in New York, the team had been investigating this along with their other cases. Last week it had led to John Curtis, who was now also dead.

You gave Hotch your condolences, and asked him to pass the sentiment onto the rest of the team. Especially Rossi. He thanked you, and told you he’d get the funeral information to you when it was all arranged.

The day of the funeral, you had gotten up early and got a plane to Virginia, and a cab to Penelope’s place. There was a strange lingering feeling you couldn’t quite name. You weren’t close to Strauss. Thinking about it, you were pretty sure you never had a conversation with her without someone else there too. Plus, any time she involved herself on a case, it just made it that much more difficult. The politics of the job was her top priority, and that clashed with the mentality of the team.

And yet, she was an iron willed woman, and you had to respect that. And yeah, there had been times she stuck her neck out. Even if it was only after Hotch spoke to her.

“Are you gonna say anything to Spencer?” Penelope’s voice pulled you from your thoughts as she walked back into the living room, changed and ready.

You rolled your eyes, standing from your spot on the couch. “Today isn’t about me and him.” You told her.

“I know, I know. But come on, it’s the first time you’re gonna see each other in person in, what, six months?”

“Seven almost.” You muttered, grabbing your coat. “I’m just here to pay my respects, and go again.”

The two of you had headed out and made your way to the office, where Rossi had organised the limos to pick everyone up.

Pulling up, you could see you were the last ones there. The rest of the team were gathered in a small circle in front of the building, and your heart ached to be back in that bullpen. Hotch seemed to be the first to notice you, and everyone else turned their heads.

And your heart ached even more.

You couldn’t take your eyes off Spencer, and you just hoped he couldn’t see you staring from inside the cab. Part of you just wanted to run to him, throw yourself around him and never let go again. The other part wanted to slap him.

Today’s not about me and him, you repeated in your head.

Sighing, you gave the driver some cash, and got out.

“Want me to stay with you?” Penelope asked quietly as you walked over.

You gave her a small nod, before looking up as Morgan made his way to you.

He had a little smile, and reach out to hug you.

You gladly accepted.

“Been a while.” He said, before pulling back.

“Yeah, too long.”

“We’re glad you could make it.” Rossi’s solemn voice come from beside you.

You placed a hand on his arm, and gave him a sad smile. He nodded, and his eyes dropped back down to what looked to be a small coin he held in his fingers.

“Let’s get going.” Hotch said, looking around the group.

Everyone made a move, and your eyes met with Spencer’s for a very brief second. You felt the air get sucked out of your lungs, and you tensed your jaw, before moving to look at Penelope instead.

She had turned Morgan and JJ towards one limo, then turned back to grab your arm. “Four to a car, your with us.”

“Penelope.” You tried to warn, but it was never any use trying to argue with her. As you were taking a seat, you caught sight of Blake pat Spencer on the back, before the two of them joined Rossi and Hotch.

Garcia gave you a triumphant smile as she sat next to you. You just rolled your eyes at her and said nothing.

The service itself was lovely. It was a sunny day, and many people came to pay their respects. You recognised a number of agents from around the bureau, and who you assumed were higher ups that Strauss would have worked with. Her children were at the front, her daughters clinging to each other, and her son unable to look up. The oldest gave a short speech, with Rossi following.

Afterwards, everyone was invited back to Rossi’s for the wake. Apparently Rossi had helped pay for almost everything, which you shouldn’t have been surprised at really. You had been there for a couple of hours and had successfully managed to avoid Spencer, as well as getting to chat to everyone a little bit.

“Okay,” You said to Penelope and Morgan, putting your empty glass down. “I gotta get going.”

Penelope pouted. “So soon?”

“I know.” You pulled her in for a hug. “But I can’t miss my plane.”

You moved to hug Morgan.

“Don’t be a stranger. You need to come visit more.” He told you.

“I’ll try.” You mumbled. Looking around the room for anyone else, you spotted JJ talking to Spencer. “Um, say bye to JJ for me?” You sighed and gestured in their direction.

Morgan looked like he was about to say something, but Penelope got there first. “Yeah, will do.” She nodded.

You said your goodbyes to them, and made your way through the small crowd to find the others. Alex was chatting with an agent you recognised, but didn’t know the name of. You didn’t know her all that well really, so it was a quick goodbye. Hotch and Rossi were stood in the kitchen, separated from everyone else. They seemed to be deep in conversation, but Rossi saw you at the door.

“Sorry to interrupt, but I’ve got to go catch a plane. Just want to say bye.” You told them, stepping closer.

Rossi put his drink down, and walked over for a hug. “Thanks for coming. It’s appreciated.”

Hotch held out his hand to shake. “We’re glad you could make it. The team misses you.”

“Yeah, I miss everyone too.” You told them with a sad tone.

“Come visit soon.” Rossi said.

Nodding. “I’ll try. Don’t get decent cooking anymore.” You joked, and it got a tiny smile from Rossi.

Waving as you walked away, you headed out the door. You dug through your bag, and took out your phone to call a cab to the airport.

You had been waiting at the bottom of the driveway for a few minutes when a voice come from behind you.

“You’re leaving?”

Spencer.

You stood frozen for a moment. Then took in a deep breath and turned around.

He had kept his distance, standing about 10 feet back, looking like a deer in headlights. Like he didn’t know what he came out here to say.

You gave him a slow nod. “Got work tomorrow.”

His hand rubbed the back of his neck. “I just wanted to, umm… Can we talk?”

“Got nothing to say.”

“Please…” He took a step forward, and you crossed your arms and took a step back. His face fell, but he stopped where he was. “Please, I want to apol-”

“Don’t.” You cut him off. “Spencer, I had to give up my whole life here, because of you. You don’t just get to say sorry as if that’s going to make it all better.” All the anger and hurt you’d pushed down for so long was starting to bubble to the surface. But you kept your voice low, you didn’t want to disturb the others still inside.

“I didn’t… I…” He took a deep breath. “I never wanted to hurt you, never. You have to believe that.” Spencer’s voice was almost pleading.

You scoffed. “What was the plan then, Spencer? Either you would’ve finally got around to telling me what was happening, which would have hurt me. Or you’d have left me for her, which also would’ve hurt me!” Your eyes started to sting. “Please explain to me how I could’ve been okay with any of it?”

He stumbled on his words, but you carried on before he could.

“You lied to me for months. Made me feel completely worthless. I spend hours up at night wondering what it was that I could have done wrong, because all of a sudden you didn’t love me anymore.” Tears forming now.

His eyes became pleading. “I never stopped lov-”

“Oh save it!” You stared at him for a second, taking in a breath and lowering your voice. “If you cared about me at all, none of this would have happened.”

His head dropped, and he brought his hand up to wipe his eyes before looking back at you. “I’m sorry.” He whispered.

Your phone buzzed in your hand then. The cab was just up the street.

“I gotta go.” Was all you said to him, turning around and not looking back.

 23 months ago, you were at the gym.

It was January. And that meant that the gym was full of people and their resolutions to get fit… which would probably last about 3 weeks. Your New Year’s resolution was to let everything go. It had been over a year now since you’d moved to New York, and like it had been previously pointed out to you, by a number of people now, you had no social life. You had decided that needed to change, you couldn’t spend the rest of your life sad and alone because of one guy.

That being said… it was hard not to be sad and alone because of one guy.

You’d gotten through your warm up, and decided to start on weights, before making your way around, and ending on the treadmill. After a few minutes at a steady pace, a guy very nonchalantly walked by, swinging his arms a little as he looked around the room. You couldn’t help but smirk a little, the guy clearly had no idea what he was doing. He had on an old t-shirt, with new shorts and trainers, and you thought they must have been a Christmas present or something. Not to mention the brightly coloured socks, that matched the comical looking sweatbands around his wrists and head.

Then he caught your eye, and you quickly looked away.

“No, it ok.” You looked back up to see him flexing his ‘muscles’, with an grin on his face. “I’m totally hot, I get it.” He said with a humorous tone.

For a second you thought about just rolling your eyes and not responding. But… if you were going to work on this social life thing, that would involve talking to people.

And this guy might just be a little bit cute.

“Actually,” You answered without slowing your pace. “I was thinking that you looked like a cartoon character.”

He dropped his arms. “Well that’s not very nice of you. I worked hard on all this.” He gestured a hand over himself, still with a smile on his face.

“Oh yeah?” You raised an eyebrow at him.

“Yup.” He took a few steps closer to you. “And you too, after years of minimal exercise and a not all that healthy diet, can gain this extortionary physique.” He patted his stomach.

You laughed.

“I’m Tony.” He reached his hand over.

You looked at him for a second, before slowing down to a walking pace. You took his hand and gave him your name.

“Not seen you here before, Tony. New year’s resolution?”

He leaned on the treadmill. “Sort of. Me and some friends have this bet every year, who can go to the gym for the longest.”

“Ah. What do you win?”

“A kids wrestling belt with ‘World Champion’ written on it.” He said so casually you couldn’t help but laugh.

“Well good luck with that.” You came to a stop, and stepped of the treadmill.

“So what now?” He asked you.

You smiled at him. “Well if you want to maintain that extortionary physique, I suggest a slow and steady pace.” You pointed at the treadmill. “I however, am done. So I’m going home.”

His shoulders dropped. “Oh, ok. But maybe I’ll see you again?” He asked hopefully.

You gave him a smile. “Guess it depends on how much you wanna win a child’s toy.”

He grinned.

You waved him goodbye, and walked back to the changing rooms with a tiny smile on your face.

 22 months ago, Tony won his bet.

The two of you had run into each other a lot the past month. You had actually found yourself looking forward to seeing him, and were disappointed if he wasn’t there that day. He had explained to you, that if he went longer than a week without going to the gym, he’d be out of the bet. But he was there more days than not, and you hoped that it was because of you.

Then one day he appeared above you while you were lifting weights, with a big smile across his face. Setting the bar down, you sat up and saw the belt wrapped around his arm.

“Hey you won!”

“Sure did.” He slipped the belt from his arm, and held it up proudly. “I’m gonna hang it up in my living room.”

You laughed.

“And, umm…” He dropped his arms and shifted a little. “Well, err, since you kinda were the, um, motivation… I was wondering if I could take you out dinner? You know, as a thank you.”

A date? Was he asking you on a date? You hadn’t had a date in… too long.

“Oh, um…” You stammered.

Tony’s face dropped. “You don’t have-”

“No, I’d, um… I’d like that.” You told him.

“Yeah?” He grinned.

You nodded. “Yes.”

The two of you made your plans, and he headed back out. You waited till he was gone, before running back to your locker and digging your phone out of your back.

It only rang a couple of times before it was answered.

“Hey!”

“Penelope!” You said a little loudly.

“Woah, are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. I’m fine.”

“Okay, so what’s up?”

You took a deep breath to calm down. “I have a date.”

There was a brief pause, before an excited squeal that made you pull the phone from your ear.

“Oh my god! Who with? And where? Oh and When?” Penelope asked you quickly.

You took another deep breath. “His name’s Tony and-”

“Last name?” She interrupted.

“Wha- No, you’re not looking him up.” You quickly caught on to what she was doing.

“Oh, come on please! I just wanna see what he looks like.” She said. “And y’know, maybe just check out his background a little bit.” She added quietly.

“Penelope.”

“Okay, fine.” She let out a sigh. “Tell me everything. Spare no detail, I got time.”

 18 months ago, Rossi invited you up for dinner.

“And a certain colourful birdie tells us you’re seeing someone?” Rossi teased.

You sighed, but smiled. “Yes, I am.”

“You should bring him.” He told you.

“Really?”

“Of course! Hotch is bringing Beth, JJ’s bringing Will. Morgan is even bringing Savannah.”

That last one caught your attention. “…Is Derek Morgan in a serious relationship?”

Rossi chuckled. “It would appear so.”

“Wow.” You laughed a little. “Well, I’ll ask Tony. I’m sure he’d love to come.”

“Wonderful.”

The two of you said goodbye, and you headed back to work for the afternoon.

After a pretty uneventful day of paperwork, you clocked out on time, and sent Tony a message saying you were on your way out. Unless, it was a particularly difficult day, the two of you would meet up. Sometimes at his place, sometimes at a small bar he and his friends frequented, all of which you considered to be your friends now too. He text back quickly, telling you he was at the bar, and you headed straight there.

“Hey guys.” You called, finding everyone at their regular spot.

Tony got up to kiss your cheek.

“How was work?” Laura asked, sat next to her husband, Marcus.

You shrugged. “Pretty boring today. But that’s a good thing I suppose.”

“Not to mention much safer.” Tony said matter-of-factly. After you had a slight altercation with a suspect a while back, resulting in a black eye, he’d become a bit of a mother hen when you came home from work. “Drink?” He asked before you could say anything else.

You smirked. “Sure.”

The pair of you got to the bar, and ordered your drinks. “So… I do have something to ask you. If you’re interested.”

He gasped dramatically, and brought his hand to his chest. “Yes, of course you can come with me and Marcus to the renaissance faire next month!”

You just stared at him.

“Okay, sorry.” He chuckled. “What’s up?”

“Well, Rossi, who I used to work with, he’s planning a dinner party, sort of thing. In a few weeks. And he wants to know if you’d be interested in coming? My old team will all be there, so…”

“Really?” He seemed surprised.

You nodded. “Yup.”

The bartender placed the drinks in front of you. Thanking him, you picked up your glass and took a step away.

“That does mean that, umm, Spencer will probably be there too.” You added nervously.

Spencer had come up months back, when you had the bad break up conversation. Tony had an ex who, when Tony was at work, broke back in to his apartment, and completely trashed the place and stole and/or killed his fish. He never found it, and decided it best not to reach out to the woman, so never found out. And while now you were over Spencer, and were happy with Tony, being with them both, in the same room all night brought on a strange feeling.

Tony looked at you for a second. “Right, of course, yeah… Do, err, do you want to see him?”

You shook your head, and Tony relaxed a little. “Not really. But I want to see the others. I’ve seen a few of them separately, but last time I saw everyone together it was at a funeral, so… y’know.”

He nodded. “Well, if you want to go, I’d love to join.”

You beamed at him.

“And if this jerk tries anything I’ll…” He brought a fist up.

“What?” You asked, rolling your eyes. “You’ll punch an FBI agent in a room full of FBI agents?”

“Maybe. Gotta defend my lady!”

“Shut up.” You shoved him playfully, and you went to join the others at the table.

The next morning you called Rossi to let him know you’d both be there, which he was thrilled about. It was a few hours later, when Penelope called to check herself you were definitely going.

“You do realise your boyfriend and ex-boyfriend are gonna both be there right?”

“Yes Penelope, I know. But Tony knows about Spencer, I told him everything. It’ll be fine. And it’s been a year and a half now, I’ve moved on. I will even make polite conversation with him if I need to.”

Though you were hoping you wouldn’t have to.

You went on to ask about Morgan’s new girlfriend, and Penelope let out a little squeal, going on to tell you how amazing she is. From the sounds of it, she was pretty perfect for Derek.

The weeks soon passed by, and you found yourself at the door of David Rossi. Hotch opened it, and you gave him a quick hug, and introduced him to Tony. They shook hands, and you headed in to the kitchen, where everyone had gathered. You were handed a glass of wine, and Tony had already set about introducing himself to everyone. He never had an issue talking to new people. Morgan brought Savannah over, who was just as great as Penelope had said.

Then you realised, Spencer wasn’t here.

Penelope caught you glance around the group to double check, and leaned over.

“He’s not coming.” She whispered.

You frowned. “What do you mean? Why not?”

She lifted a shoulder. “Said he didn’t want to make it uncomfortable.”

Your frown only deepened.

“You might of moved on.” She continued before you could say anything. “But I don’t think he has.”

Glancing back around the room, you felt… odd. Spencer had always seem to be a little self-sabotaging when it came to emotions. Isolating himself when things were difficult, rather than asking for help. Thinking back, JJ had told you he’d quite literally shut himself away for weeks after what happened to Maeve, only to return to work like nothing happened. And you knew he felt bad about what he did to you. He’d tried to apologise the last time you’d seen him, and you didn’t let him. Maybe you should have. But you were mad, and you were allowed to be mad. He cheated on you!

But… as time passed, and the memories weren’t as fresh, you could move on. It didn’t hurt as much. Spencer though, wouldn’t forget. He’d remember them and feel it all like it happened yesterday. Thinking about those things would still hurt him just as much now as it did then.

You sighed. Would it help to talk to him? Yes, what he did was horrible, but all you could think about now, was how he was probably sat alone at home. Miserable that everyone was out having fun together, and he was left out, thinking that if he was here, he’d somehow ruin the evening. Tony wouldn’t want you to go talk to him though, would he? Trying to cheer up the ex-boyfriend who cheated on you is a weird thing to do. You knew that. If he asked you the same thing, you’d assume something was still going on between them.

Rossi interrupted your thoughts then, calling everyone over to the table.

 11 months ago, a call woke you up at 5am.

You grumbled into your pillow, and blindly reached for the phone. “Hello?”

An unfamiliar voice asked if it was in fact you, and apologised for the early call.

“Yeah, yeah. That’s me.” You quickly pulled the phone away, only to see ‘Unknown’ written across the screen. “Who is this?”

“Ah, apologies again, Mateo Cruz.”

“Oh.” You shot up quickly, and Tony rolled over beside you at the disturbance. “Sir, sorry.”

You heard a low chuckle. “Not to worry. But I’m afraid I’m not calling with good news.”

Shuffling back to rest on the headboard, and resting your free hand on Tony’s arm that had come to wrap across your waist, you took a deep breath. “Sir?”

“I got a phone call a few hours ago, Jason Gideon was found dead in his home a little after three-thirty.” He told you.

Your stomach flipped. You’d never actually met Gideon, but everyone said great things about him. Spencer especially. He was the reason Spencer joined the BAU, and had mentored him the first few years. Spencer had admired him greatly, and he had once said that Gideon was the first person not to treat him like a child.

Cruz continued. “Now, I’ve already spoken to your boss, and if you wouldn’t mind that is, I’d like for you to join the rest of the team for the investigation.”

You frowned a little. “Oh, um, if you think that would help, then of course. But I didn’t know him myself, so I’m not sure how much help I could be. I’m sure the team-”

“The team,” He interrupted, “has a bit of a reputation when it comes to cases involving people they care about. But I also know it wouldn’t go well if I didn’t let them take this one on. I was actually hoping, that a familiar face would help keep them a little more… level headed.”

“Ah, right.” He had a bit of a point. After everything happened with Prentiss, you remembered being told the team would be watched. Were they still being watched?

Cruz hummed, and gave you the address of Gideons cabin, telling you that the rest of the team had already been informed and were on their way.

You shook Tony a little. “Tony, I gotta go.” He pulled his arm back slowly, mumbling something you didn’t understand. “I might be gone a few days.”

That woke him up a bit. “What d’you mean?”

You got out of bed, darting around to find some clothes. “Um, Jason Gideon, he was part of the BAU. Started it in fact.” You said quickly, trying to pack a small bag. “He’s been killed. Director Cruz wants me to help out. The teams been known to go a little… off the book when a case is personal. Think he wants me to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

Tony looked at you a little confused, clearly not awake enough to take in what you were saying. “Okay…”

You zipped up your bag, and went over to him. You gave him a kiss on the cheek and smiled at him. “Call me when you’re awake and I’ll explain it to you again, hm?”

“Yeah, okay.” He nodded slowly, and lay down again. “B’careful. Love you.”

“Love you too.” You told him.

The sun had risen by the time you got to the cabin. By some luck, you didn’t have to wait too long for the flight, and had called Hotch just to make sure he knew you were coming. As you stepped out of the cab, the coroner was lifting the body into the van.

Spencer stood behind watching.

You slowly approached. “Hey.”

It took him a second to look at you, like he didn’t quite hear you.

“Cruz called a few hours ago. Asked if I’d help.” You told him, seeing the slightly confused look in his eyes. Also knowing it would be difficult for him to talk right now.

He gave a slight nod, and looked away again.

Morgan walked over then. You gave him your condolences, and explained your presence again.

“Well were glad to have the help.” Morgan told you. He glanced over to Spencer. “We’re gonna follow the ME. Gideon’s got priority, so we can get the preliminary finding right away.”

You nodded. “Yeah. Okay, I’ll see you later.”

Morgan placed a hand on Spencer’s back, and guided him to the cars. It’s like Spencer wasn’t even here.

Sighing, you turned to the cabin as Hotch walked out with Rossi.

You ended up helping go through Gideons things. Trying to figure out if anything way out of place, or trying to find anything that didn’t seem right. But other than the damage in the living room, the rest of the cabin seemed to be in perfect order.

The first breakthrough came when Rossi linked a case way back from when the BAU was first starting in the 70s. After that, the dots started to connect one by one. All of which led Penelope to find a man named Donald Mallick, who had a lot of land, and was completely isolated. With that, you were on your way. The house was an absolute dump, and judging by the smell, hadn’t been cleaned since Mallick had been on his own. You had cleared a number of rooms, when you heard a gunshot from outside.

Everyone rushed towards the sound, and found Mallick on the ground, with Rossi stood in front of him.

A looming feeling fell over the team. Rossi’s body language and the way he was staring at the body was almost scary. But whatever had happened, the gun by Mallick’s had was enough to cover Rossi. Everyone put their own guns down.

When everything was taken care of at the scene, and Josie Behdart was on her way to the hospital, the team all found their way back to Gideons cabin. It was the early hours of the morning, the sun just coming up and everyone had taken a seat in the living room. It was Hotch who spoke first, telling the story of when he first met Gideon. Rossi had plenty of stories too. You all sat for a few hours like that, listening to the tales everyone had.

The local cops showed up after a while, finishing off what they needed to do. Your phone buzzed in your pocket. It was Tony, so you excused yourself for a moment.

“Hey, you’re up early.” You answered.

“Well, it’s weird with you gone in all honesty.” Tony said.

“Aww,” You chuckled. “Well fortunately for you, I should be home soon. We’re just finishing up with the locals, then I’ll be heading to the airport.”

You chatted a little more, and you told him how the case went, telling him you’d explain it fully later. And he promised to have a hot bath ready for you when you got home. You said your goodbyes, and started to look up flight times and called for a cab.

Glancing back, the team had all got up, and you saw Gideon’s son in the living room. Your heart ached for him. It had been mentioned that the pair didn’t have a close relationship, but Gideon had wanted to fix that. Now he never could. He headed out the door after some time, and you watched as Spencer handed him something, and pulled him in for a hug.

You stepped back into the living room, carefully approaching Spencer as he looked down at a chessboard.

“Hey.”

He looked up, and gave you a small smile which quickly dropped again.

“You okay?” You asked him.

He just nodded, looking back down and picking up one of the chess pieces.

“Don’t.” You said quietly. “I know how much Gideon meant to you. Everyone does. Don’t shut everyone out.”

He twisted the piece in his fingers, before putting it back in the same spot and facing you again. “I just…” His eyes fell to the floor. “I just thought I’d see him again…”

“Yeah…” You whispered. Your heart broke for him, he looked so deflated. “Come here.” You leaned over to him, pulling him in for a hug.

He froze for a second, and you almost pulled away, thinking you’d made him uncomfortable. But then his head came down to rest on your shoulder, his arms wrapped around you and you felt him take a deep breath. You stood quietly for a moment, before you pulled back from him.

“Let them help.” You told him.

He nodded. You weren’t sure he was going to, but you didn’t press him anymore.

“I gotta go say bye to the others.”

“Yeah, okay.” He looked away again.

“Bye Spencer.”

As you walked away, there was a long forgotten tense feeling that seemed to lift up and float away. It was almost freeing. You’d said goodbye to Spencer. Without slamming a door in his face, and without rejecting what he was saying. Without anger. It was as if you’d finished a book. You’d turned the last page, and there were no lingering questions left for you to try and figure out. No hidden mysteries, or unanswered riddles. Everything you needed to know, you knew. And it brought on a wave of calm. Nothing else mattered, and you could move on to the next story, without your mind drifting to all the ‘what ifs?’

You’d said goodbye.

And it felt like it was for good.

 4 months ago, you rang Penelope.

The two of you didn’t call as much as you used to. It was upsetting, but at the same time, you figured it was kind of inevitable. But you made sure not to lose contact with Penelope, so even though it wasn’t as often, you still chatted regularly.

“Hi!” You greeted quickly when she answered.

“Woah, okay, someone’s chipper.” She laughed.

Part of you thought you could have held it for a little, but you were too excited. “Tony proposed!”

You heard her gasp. “Oh my god! When? Where? How? What’s the ring like? Actually, hang on.” She said very rapidly, then you heard a slight clattering from over the phone. “Okay, tell me everything!”

You laughed a little, but quickly got in to the details of last night. Tony had recreated your first date, with a number of romantic extras sprinkled in throughout the evening. It had been incredible, and when you got home, the living room had been covered in flowers and balloons and candles.

“Then he got down on one knee, and he had his whole romantic speech that made me cry. Honestly Pen, it was like something out of a movie.”

“Aww! That sounds so incredible.” She happily sighed. “Do you have anything planned yet?”

“Not yet, but we’ve talked about little things before. Future plans and all that. But you’ll know when I do.” You laughed.

“I’d better! And send me a picture of the ring!”

Not long after the conversation ended, you got a text from JJ and Morgan, both congratulating you. As well as texts a little later in the day from Hotch and Rossi.

 1 month ago, you had found the perfect venue.

It was a little on the pricey side, but you and Tony had both instantly fallen in love with the place. But apparently, so had the plenty of other couples, since there was a 2 year waiting list.

“Maybe we can find out who they are,” Tony said. “Sabotage them.”

You slapped his arm jokingly. “Stop it.”

He shrugged. “Penelope would have no trouble with it, I’m just saying.”

“I don’t doubt it.” You laughed. “But the two years would give us enough time to actually afford this place.”

He smiled at you. “So… here?”

You smiled back, and kissed his cheek. “Here.”

 Today, you sent out your Save the Dates.

A few people already knew the date of the wedding anyway, after you told them you’d booked the venue.

You’d called Penelope of course.

“Yeah, so they’ve been sent out, so you should get it in the next couple of days.” You called her.

“Yay! I can’t wait.” She told you.

“Well it’s still a few years off, Pen.”

“Plenty of time to plan my outfit.” She laughed. “Speaking of, I do get to come dress shopping with you right?”

“Of course you do, how could you even ask?” You reassured her. “Besides, I’ve had a look through magazines and stuff, and honestly have no clue what I’m after. So I’ll need you superior fashion advice.”

“Also,” She started, an unsure tone to her voice. “So is… everyone on the team invited, or..?”

“I’ve not invited my ex-boyfriend to my wedding. It’d be weird.” You answered quickly knowing what she was getting at.

Penelope sighed. “Yeah, I guess…”

You knew she’d feel bad. He was still her friend, and she wouldn’t want him to feel left out. You didn’t want him to feel left out, but having him at your wedding would make you feel weird.

You quickly changed the subject. “But are you bringing anyone?”

 1 month later, you get a call from Penelope.

You hadn’t heard from her for a while, and she sounded more stressed then she had in a long time. The team had just solved a very difficult case, and it turns out that she had been living at the office because she was being targeted. She couldn’t tell you anything, to protect herself and you, which you understood.

“Anyway, Reid had gone in to sit with her, trying to trick a confession out of her, or get her to say something, I don’t know.”

“But you guys got her? Your safe now right?” You could hear her voice shaking.

“Yeah, I’m just reeling a little still.” She took a deep breath. “She was just, like… a real life super evil genius.”

“I’ll come up and see you soon, okay. But like you said, she’s on her way to prison as we speak, you’re not in any danger. And the team would do anything for you. You know that.”

“I know, I know. It’s like, since Hotch told me, I just keep repeating it to myself to calm down.” She huffed. “Cat Adams is gone. Cat Adams is gone.”

#criminal minds #spencer reid #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid angst #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #criminal minds fanfic #Criminal Minds Fanfiction #op #own fic #thirty-six months

[s-brant]

Angels Roll Their Eyes (2/2)

(gif: @toesure) (PART ONE)

Summary: Hurricane Agatha approaches Kildare Island during the aftermath of the eventful Fourth of July party. JJ and Y/N are determined to continue avoiding each other after what happened at the party, but John B has other plans for them.

Warnings: Smut, strong language, angst, implied physical abuse, depictions of anxiety/panic attacks, and sickeningly sweet fluff.

Word Count: 24k

A/N: Here we goooo! To celebrate the trailer dropping today, here’s part two to Devils Roll The Dice. If you haven’t read the first part, I suggest you read it and come back so this makes sense. This one has all the drama and spice, so buckle up! Thank you for the love and support on the first part. Let me know if you enjoyed this and have fun, cause I had a blast writing it.

Hurricane Agatha.

It was the first thing she heard about as soon as she woke up yesterday to the sound of her phone blaring with an obnoxious tone that reminds her of waking up too early in the morning for work or school.

Her sleepy eyes couldn't make out who was calling, so she pressed the button to answer and lifted the phone to hear her mom's voice squawking through the speaker at her about the hurricane projected to hit the island in the middle of the night tonight.

The problem is, her parents are out of town this week, leaving her all alone to prep the house and endure the storm alone. And for someone who flinches whenever she thinks she hears the sound of thunder in the sky, that is the worst it can get.

It's a fear her friends are conscious of. One time when they were out on the HMS Pogue, a quick summer storm started to drift overhead and it took all of her self control to not fall into a blind panic when thunder began to rumble above. John B was already steering them back in the direction of the Chateau but she knew it would do nothing to calm her nerves until she was back inside of the house.

The anxiety was starting to become too overwhelming when JJ sat down beside her and threw his arm over her shoulder. It was their first month of knowing one another, so the casual friendly gesture made her jump at first and turn her head to look at him, but he acted like everything was normal.

The next person to notice was John B. With JJ currently out of commission, the only person she thought to call to help her prep the house for the incoming storm was him. Since they never got hurricanes up where she used to live her whole life, she needed someone who's been through a couple to help her while her parents weren't home.

That's how she ended up here. Sweating bullets in the front yard of her house as she unloads the contents of the van with John B was not how she envisioned her Saturday night to go, but she's glad she has someone who's willing to help.

In the past five months of being with the Pogues, she's learned that it's lovely to have friends. She never used to have any before she moved, so in situations like this or when she got so drunk at the party, she never would've had anyone to be there for her. It's quiet moments of kindness and companionship like this that make her realize how much better life has been on the other side of uprooting everything to move here—self-inflicted boy drama and all.

The sandbag on her shoulder sends a growing ache through her back muscles with every step she takes to follow him up the length of unpaved dirt path up to her front door. As usual, he makes it look way easier than it is, and it almost makes her want to laugh at how different they are.

Most of her new friends are effortless, naturally picking up anything they decide to try at while she is inept by comparison. It's part of what attracted her to JJ in the first place. He may have his insecurities the same way every other individual does, but in her eyes, he has nothing to be insecure of. Even when he wipes out on a wave and appears out of the water with sand clumped in his salt-kissed strands of blonde hair, he manages to make it look cool.

"What are you smiling about?"

John B's laughter makes her look up from where she concentrated on the dirt path to see him looking back at her. He stands at the entrance to her house with the rest of the sandbags they carried up placed meticulously in front of the door to prevent water from entering the house. They did the same thing with the back door an hour ago.

Is she smiling? She hadn't even realized her expression changed from one of exhaustion and fear at the dark clouds closing in above to a grin, so her face instantly drops in guilt. After running out on JJ for the second time two days ago to go to work, any mention of him from their friends has left her drowning in shame.

She can't recall the bulk of her memories from the night of the Fourth of July party, but she fills in the gaps between those flashes of memory with what their friends told her about it.

Thanks to her overindulgence, there are holes poked in the fabric of her memory.

It jumps from her last fully sober moment of seeing JJ across the room with the kook girl to dancing clumsily with Kie to the floral scent of her makeup wipes that she can't attach a specific visual image to.

Then, she can remember waking up with a start in the middle of the night to throw up in a pot beside the bed while he held back her hair. Before John B explained it, she was quite confused after waking up about how she somehow got from being jealous over JJ flirting with another girl to waking up in the same bed as him.

She grunts as she plops the last sandbag down into place and decides to take a seat on the steps leading up to the door.

"It wasn't anything special," Y/N says and watches him come down to sit next to her, "I was just thinking about taking something so I can pass out and avoid having a panic attack over this stupid storm."

Unlike JJ, she isn't that skilled of a liar. It's obvious to anyone who knows her well when she does it based on the way her eye contact begins to drift away and her voice raises in pitch when she speaks. She's too honest with her friends to handle keeping secrets from them, which is why it's been so difficult for her with everything that has happened recently. Not only does she lie to the Pogues, she also avoids them by association in the process of trying to avoid JJ.

Regardless of how obvious her bluffing is, John B doesn't call her out on it. Instead, he focuses on a different part of what she said.

"Are you sure you're gonna be okay alone? I know your parents are out of town till next week..." he trails off into concerned silence.

The tip of her sneaker hangs off of the edge of the bottom step and absentmindedly digs a line into the dirt as she takes in his question.

Being alone when she's prone to panicking is a recipe for disaster. Anxiety and loneliness have a relationship similar to that of a weapon and ammunition. It takes very little for her to fall down the rabbit hole of obsessive thinking and break down into a hyperventilating, fearful mess, especially when no one else is there to tug her out of those dark thoughts.

Most of the time, the people who help her with that are her parents. If they're home during one of these episodes, she'll come stumbling downstairs to them from her room for help, and they'll do everything they can to bring her down from hysterics. Her friends, on the other hand, have yet to witness her have one of those moments.

"Having people with me helps, you know? But it is what it is, I'll just try to cope the best I can and hope for the best."

He nods, and though he's a portrait of understanding, she wonders if he finds it as juvenile and stupid as she does.

Logically, she knows that this anxiety is something many people experience. She understands that it's something that is mostly out of her control but can't help but tear herself apart over it.

She thinks to herself, What kind of weirdo can't sit inside during a thunderstorm or hurricane without losing their shit? Why am I not the one in control of my own mind when this happens?

Do her friends think similar things? Do they think it's as pathetic as she does, or is she just paranoid that they pick her flaws apart as much as she does? And, of course, she wonders what JJ would think if he saw her panic like that. He may have seen her start to become anxious on the HMS Pogue, but he hasn't seen her panic panic before, not in the way that her parents have, and she wonders if he'd think less of her for it.

Right when she's about to change the topic and steer him away from a chance to think of how ridiculous she's being about the approaching hurricane, he says something that makes her look back over at him.

"Then come spend the night at the Chateau. I can distract you. We can play board games and shit."

"Really?" she asks.

The idea of anyone wanting to waste an entire night playing board games and possibly signing themselves up for having to talk her down from a panic attack makes her heart melt.

"Yeah, why not? You need a friend tonight. You know any of us would do anything for you. You're like my little sister, dude, we'd all probably hack off a limb if we thought it'd help you. Especially JJ."

John B's last second name-drop is designed specifically for where he wants this conversation to go. Underneath the need to get his friends back to normal, he does feel a little guilty for having to do this. She thinks he's only offering to let her stay with him to help her—and he is, even if there weren't a rift between her and JJ, he'd still offer—but he has a different reason.

"Right," she says softly. "Speaking of which...is he gonna be there tonight?"

With how often he escapes his house to spend a night or two in temporary safety at the Chateau, it's not an unfounded assumption. He and John B spend more time together than any of them because of this, and when she goes over to hang out, she knows that he and JJ often come as a package deal.

He tries to play it cool and not give up anything that could make her suspicious of him, looking off at the van parked in the driveway as he takes a second to collect his thoughts. It's never easy for him to deceive people he cares about, even if it's for their own good. It wasn't easy when he invited JJ to spend the night a few hours ago with the knowledge that he'd soon invite Y/N too either, but he managed.

As always, Pope is the brains behind this operation. He was the one to suggest inviting them both over to wait out Agatha together when the three of them put their heads together to come up with a solution to their oblivious friends' drama. After JJ stormed out of the house the morning after the party, they knew they had to do something about it. This was what it came to.

"Nah. I offered but he said he's staying at home until this whole thing blows over."

He isn't sure why she buys into it.

She knows JJ well enough to know that he would literally rather eat glass than be trapped in a confined space with his dad for an entire day. Perhaps it's only because it's what she wants to believe. She wants to believe that she won't have to see him again tonight after everything that happened. How can she handle having to tell him why got so drunk that night and made an ass of herself? She can't bear to tell him all of that unnecessary drama started because she was jealous.

What right does she have to feel that way? He isn't hers. They aren't together, and she thinks it's quite obvious that he doesn't want a relationship out of whatever it is they have together. It was one night. She has no right to be mad at him for flirting with other girls because of it.

"Then I'll definitely be taking you up on that offer. Thank you," she says.

The old wooden stairs make a squealing sound when she stands to make her way inside to gather her things for the night, but the feeling of a warm hand gripping her forearm stops her mid-step. Her eyes follow down the length of her arm back to where he sits, glancing at her with this knowing look in his eyes that makes her want to turn and hide.

"When are you gonna talk things out with him, Y/N?" he asks. "He misses you."

Since the party, no one has had the courage to burst her bubble of pretending not to care until now, but now that someone has, all of her bottled up emotions stir inside of her at a simple concept she hadn't considered yet.

JJ misses her.

For the first time since they began this stupid game of cat and mouse, she is confronted with how desperately she misses him back. So consumed with the task of concealing everything that happened and trying to avoid him, she hadn't acknowledged that all she ever really wants is to be with him lately.

She misses his jokes and the way he looks at her when she giggles at them. She misses his smile when they play fight on the HMS Pogue. She even misses when he dangles her over the edge of the boat as a means to end the wrestling match, making her squirm in his strong hold as he threatens to toss her overboard.

But what she misses most of all is how he never lets her fall in. It's something about the way he looks at her as he pulls her back onboard, how time itself seems to stop in the moment between when he's still holding her and when she feels her feet touch the deck again.

Then, they'll suddenly want nothing to do with each other for the next half hour.

JJ will make himself busy forgetting the way her hands felt holding onto his shoulders for dear life, burning the memory of her palm prints into his skin for the next few hours. And she'll try her hardest to forget that charming smile and the feeling of his arms around her. But it won't work, not really, and when they're both laying down to sleep at night, they'll have one thing keeping them awake.

She takes a second to internalize what he said and avoid exposing the effect it has on her to hear it before asking, "Did he tell you that?"

The sky overhead grows darker and darker by the second, but she has yet to notice it due to the topic of their conversation. With JJ involved, her attention shrinks to a tunnel leading only to him. There's no room for anything else but the audacious idea planted in the back of her mind that he might miss her as much as she misses him.

"No, he didn't," John B admits, and right when she's about to say more in response, he cuts her off, "but hear me out. I've known him since we were kids, so I can tell when things aren't right with him, and ever since your relationship with him got complicated, I picked up on some weird vibes."

Y/N doesn't give anything away with how she reacts. He can't tell if she's about to bolt like JJ did or stay to talk and open up to him. All she does is cross her arms over her chest and lean back against the railing.

"Weird in what way?"

"Weird in a way that makes me think you two have to talk it out before you ruin your friendship. I've never seen him act this way over a girl."

That doesn't surprise her. He has a reputation for chasing after any girl available to him, something the Pogues have gently teased him about, and it factors into why she doesn't want to have this dreaded conversation with him. She doesn't want to sit there and listen to him tell her that she was just another one of those girls to him.

Going for broke and being honest about what he thinks of their situation is a better strategy for trying to get her to talk to JJ than the other way around. John B can look back on what happened the morning after the party and see where they went wrong in their approach of trying to get him to talk, but she's less unpredictable and turbulent than he is. The fact that she's hearing him out is enough proof of their differences.

She sighs.

"I know we need to talk sooner or later, but it's hard, you know? I'm so embarrassed of how everything went down at the party, even though I was too fucked up to remember most of it, and I just—" There's a brief second that lapses between when she stops and when she starts again where he can almost see her working through it in her head. "I don't wanna get hurt."

John B's face falls at the mention of the party and her feelings surrounding it.

"You have nothing to be embarrassed of. You drank too much but who cares? The only person who should be embarrassed about that night is the guy that tried to take advantage of you."

That part is the most fuzzy in her mind.

She can remember what led up to it and the moment she saw JJ pull him away from her, but she can't remember anything about the interaction itself. It wasn't as if he did anything to her—not yet—but the thought of it alone makes her skin crawl because she's seen that before. She's been the JJ in that situation, pulling a wasted Touron away from someone who thought nobody would be looking out for other people at the party, and she knows how quickly those situations can escalate past "harmless" flirting.

The sound of JJ shouting at Tyler echoes in her mind as she reaches for any remaining memories left from the party. He said it right after he punched him, when he was starting to rush forward to follow him onto the ground and pin him there.

"If I see you near my girl again, you're fucking dead! You got that?"

She doesn't remember realizing that he called her that at the moment. She was confused and upset and all she wanted to do was stop him from getting himself in trouble, so she pulled him away from hitting Tyler again without realizing what he said. And even now, she tries to avoid acknowledging it. She reasons with herself, telling herself that he was pissed off and didn't mean it, because if he did, why hasn't he told her how he feels yet?

Y/N looks up and sees how dark the converging clouds have gotten in the time since they began working on prepping the house for the hurricane, so her next words are shakier than usual.

"I guess you're right." She pushes off of her spot against the railing. "But can we not talk about JJ tonight? I kind of wanna hang out and forget about the rest of the stuff I've got going on right now."

This makes him feel a pang of guilt inside of him for the ulterior motive he's kept hidden from her for the duration of the conversation, but he knows it's for the best. Even if her and JJ's inevitable conversation goes in the wrong direction and they don't end up mending fences, it's better that they let it out sooner than later. If they wait any longer, it'll make it worse, and he knows that they're stubborn enough to keep this childish game going for another week or so.

So, he keeps her in the dark for now and offers a kind, "Sure, that's cool with me," despite knowing how messy the night will soon become.

A smile pokes at the edges of her mouth, making the sides of her eyes crinkle, and she extends a hand to help him up from where he sits.

"Now," she says as they make their way inside the house for her to pack a bag, "are you ready to get absolutely crushed in Monopoly?"

It started to rain before they left her house, and by the time they pull into the driveway of the Chateau, it's pouring down on them with violent winds whipping droplets at their faces hard enough to hurt.

The rapid pace of her pulse beats with such an intensity, she can feel it in her head. They shouldn't have taken so much time at her place before heading over here. While she was packing, they talked and dilly-dallied the whole time, and now they pay the price for it.

If she knew that it would start this soon into the night, she probably would've hurried things along sooner, but it's too late. She's already starting to feel that tightness in her chest and each breath of air feels less satisfying with every inhale. It's not so bad that she loses complete control of herself, but it's getting there, and she can't express how badly she doesn't want to lose her shit in front of John B.

The passenger side door is slammed shut by the force of the wind behind her, the noise becoming swallowed up in the rest of the budding storm, and she stifles a sound of surprise that escapes her in reaction to it. They're lucky they made it here in the first place. Any later in the night and they probably would've had to take refuge at her place until it blew over.

She decides to focus on how the edges of her white sneakers are swallowed up by the muddy earth on her way through the front yard to distract herself. It stains them a deep brown color and simultaneously washes them clean from the rain coming down from above, which she'd probably be annoyed about if she weren't such a nervous wreck. But, because she's too busy keeping her backpack raised over her head to shield herself from the rain on her way up to the front door, it's not high up on her list of priorities.

Since both the screen door and the door behind it are unlocked, she doesn't hesitate to come bursting into the house as she usually does.

Y/N lets out a deep breath, feeling that telltale tension in her chest and shoulders, and laughs at the sight of John B running in as she kicks off her shoes. His t-shirt is speckled with rainwater, and his hair is saturated enough with it to stick to the sides of his face after he crosses the threshold into the Chateau.

The sound of her laughter makes JJ's heart stop from where he stands in the kitchen.

"There was an umbrella right on the dashboard, why didn't you take—"

Her heart might as well have stopped just as abruptly as the sentence she was in the middle of saying when she turned and saw him standing there.

Maybe they're both a tad too dramatic, but it takes a full few seconds for them to stop staring at each other in surprise. He looks like a deer in the headlights, eyes wide with surprise like he was caught doing something he shouldn't even though all he was doing was grabbing a beer from the fridge.

It's been two days since they last saw each other. For him, the last glimpse he got of her was when he peeked through the blinds to see her pedaling away on her bike to go to work, but hers was somewhat different.

The last time she saw him, he was asleep. Their legs were tangled together underneath the sheets and his face was smushed against her chest, allowing her to feel the soft puffs of his exhales on her skin every few seconds. It's a wonder that she managed to slip away unnoticed once she remembered she had work that morning. He was holding her closely, so closely that she found it hard to discern where she ended and he began in the dazed, hungover headspace she woke up in.

It's when the conversation she had with John B on the front steps of her house comes back to the forefront of her mind that she puts together what's happening right now. Now that they're here, it's far too late to leave. With how aggressively the wind and rain batter the area surrounding the house, it's obvious that they're not going anywhere.

It seems to click with them at the same time, because JJ turns to look at him only a half second after she does.

Y/N says, completely serious, "If you did what I think you did, I'm gonna kill you."

Before either of them can think of doing anything, John B shoots out from the doorway and runs past her in the direction of the hallway where his bedroom is.

"Gotta catch me first!"

They both chase him, JJ hopping over the back of the couch to run after him, but they end up coming to a screeching halt at the shut door right when they hear the lock turn and click.

Neither of them knows what they were planning to do when they caught him, cause it isn't like they'd hurt him, but they bang on the door nonetheless. The sound is drowned out by the sound of the wind and rain pounding the outside walls of the house, picking up speed, and for a second she wants to kick the door open.

She shouts, "John B! Open this door!"

The last thing she wanted tonight was to be trapped in a house with the one person she didn't want to see. Doesn't John B realize how embarrassing it is for her to be around him when she knows that he's gonna reject her? He may have said something about JJ never acting so weird over a girl before, but he's wrong. There's no way JJ actually wants her...right?

"I can't hear you, this storm's kinda loud!" he yells back at them through the locked door. "Maybe try again later!"

Neither of them wants to acknowledge the other. In fact, they don't even want to look at each other right now, so all they can do to stop themselves from acknowledging the elephant in the room is continue trying to get answers out of John B. What does he think that locking them together in the Chateau for the night will accomplish other than make them ignore their own drama and team up to plot their revenge on him?

Though he's significantly less angry than she is, JJ pulls the doorknob enough to make the door whine on its hinges and pleads with their friend, "This isn't funny, John B. Open the door."

"Not until you guys stop being immature and talk to each other."

She furrows her brows at him even though he can't see her, saying, "It's none of your business. You can't just trap us here cause you think you know what's best for us."

The sound of thunder rumbling above the house makes her flinch, hand shooting out to latch onto JJ's arm on an instinct she couldn't consciously resist. Feeling the warmth of his skin beneath her palm and the fingers clutched around his wrist sends shocks of familiar electricity up her body. Touching him always makes her feel hyperaware of herself, leaving her to wonder if he can sense her pulse picking up or notice how her breathing pattern turns uneven.

With that being said, it's safe to say that the night they spent together took that sensation of electricity and hyperawareness to a height it hadn't reached before.

That time, it wasn't a brush of their hands or an arm over her shoulder, it was the epitome of physical closeness. She couldn't handle it. He was so sickeningly sweet with her, yet, at the same time, he knew all of the right times to be commanding and in control too. There were awkward moments at first, sure, but once they became comfortable with each other, it was game over.

And whenever they've touched since, she hasn't been able to get those memories off of her mind. It's less prevalent now, since she's only holding onto him out of fear, but it's still there underneath it all—the unfiltered desperation of the lust in his eyes, the low noises that escaped his parted lips, and the strong pair of hands that pinned her hips down on the mattress to give him the leverage to really give it to her at the intensity she begged for.

It's pathetically easy for her to be sucked right back into the vortex of emotions, memories, and fears that haunt her whenever they touch, but he brings her back out of it just as easily when he speaks.

"You okay?"

John B was as good as forgotten by him as soon as he felt her jolt next to him and grab onto his wrist like she was hanging from a ravine and he was the only thing preventing her from falling. It makes him feel like a fool, but even when they're ignoring each other, the urge to comfort and protect her from anything that displeases her never disappears. He'd literally fistfight Zeus if it meant there'd be less thunder to scare her.

If he weren't hiding behind a locked door to avoid their wrath, JB would probably be calling him a simp right about now.

The concern on his face is so pure and unaffected by any of the chaos that surrounds them, both physical and emotional, that it makes her stomach turn with a sick feeling. God, he really does care about her. Why does that scare her? Why doesn't she want to believe that he cares? Why is she so set on believing that he wanted nothing more than a quick fuck from her?

Her eyes turn down to see their connected hands, realizing all in one moment what she did and pulling her hand away as if she were burned.

"I—Yeah," she stops, looking up at him, then back to the closed bedroom door, "I'm fine. You know how it is, it's just the storm."

They're both left with no choice but to face the music after days of avoidance that had no good reason behind it other than the respective doubts and fears they have. Yet even now that they're standing here, unsure of what comes next, they're hesitant to say or do anything that might disrupt the illusion they've created in the week and a half since they first ruined their friendship for good.

It feels as though the tension that has been boiling between them is coming close to turning explosive and all it will take is one tremor of their self-control for it to spill over.

Every feeling they have feels so contradictory. They want to but they also don't. They almost do it, then hesitate and decide to ignore each other for days. At the party, this tug of war game was at its peak for JJ when she was telling him about her jealousy and cuddling up to him, but he couldn't do it then, not when she was drunk. And by the time he had a whole night to think it over and see her biking away, he didn't want to risk it.

She looks away from him, hoping that "out of sight, out of mind" may ring true for once, and says to John B through the door, "Whatever, have fun. I won't hold JJ back when you finally come out of there though."

He won't actually do anything to him, maybe just a non-serious fight that'll end with her walking in on them rolling around on the floor trying to wrestle each other, but she likes to fuck with him anyway. For the dick move he just pulled, she thinks he can withstand a little teasing.

Without anything else to say, Y/N turns and walks off to make herself useful elsewhere—anything to distract from the buzzing, anxious energy that surrounds her from both the hurricane and being forced to confront JJ. She tries to play it cool though she is anything but at the moment, allowing herself to grimace once her back is turned to the blonde boy still standing against the wall in the hallway.

Maybe if she keeps pushing this false sense of normalcy, it'll work. It worked when they both started pretending things never happened between them initially after they had sex, so who's to say it can't work now?

All they have to do is get through the next 12-24 hours without talking and all will be well. Right?

They tried.

They truly tried to get through the night without inciting chaos within the Chateau, but, for these two idiots, not inciting chaos is a task easier said than done. Not only was John B much more stubborn with staying in his room than either of them bargained for, he didn't even attempt to speak to them for the first five hours and they were left with nothing to do but find new ways to avoid talking to each other.

It was simple in the beginning.

She went off on her own and sat with her headphones in to drown out the sounds of the storm.

With her eyes fluttered shut to block out anything but the sound of The Cure blasting into her ears, there was no reason for her to have to worry about anything once her nerves began to settle. Since the songs drowned out any sound and all she could see was darkness behind her closed eyelids, she was able to drift away with the distraction of the music.

The thing is, after a while, she started to see pieces of him in every song she skipped to. She made it a full minute into Just Like Heaven before a supercut of her most treasured memories of him began appearing in her head. Fade Into You? Skipped as soon as the first dreamy lyric flooded in through the tangled cords of the headphones. Cloud 9? Forty seconds in. By the time Dirty Little Secret came on, she decided that her playlist was mocking her.

The headphones were out of her ears, hastily wrapped up, and stowed away in the small pocket of her overnight bag before the chorus of the song could hit. Thankfully for her, JJ wasn't looking when she ripped the headphones out and put them away in a huff, so by the time he turned to see her again, she was laying down on the couch to "nap"—meaning she laid awake for another hour and cursed John B for making her endure this.

While she was daydreaming of a John B voodoo doll, JJ was worried about her.

Yes, the topic of their relationship/friendship/situationship/whatever-the-fuck-it-is was bombarding him against his will every five seconds, but not without him coming back to his concern for her. A small sound of thunder on an otherwise perfect day was enough to make her zone out and start getting antsy that day on the boat, so he didn't want to know how bad it could get during a time like this.

He tried to play it cool, and, in all honesty, his remaining scraps of sanity lasted a lot longer than hers. Four and a half hours passed, then, as the storm began to do its worst on their town, the power flickered out and left them in complete darkness. At that point, John B was passed out in his bedroom, so he didn't care nor notice when they had to find a few candles and stumble through the dark.

Somewhere along the way, having to search through the dark house for candles to light and place around the living room led them here...he isn't quite sure how.

JJ can hardly open his eyes enough to see through the rain that pounds against him the second he runs after her through the back door. The wind is so aggressive and unrelenting, it almost sends him stumbling a few steps when he follows her blurry figure a few paces behind where she tries to flee the house in a panic.

"Get back inside!" he shouts as he picks up his speed to catch up, "Y/N!"

The part of him that isn't focused on the pure physicality of trying to see and move through the stormy weather is utterly overwhelmed with fear. Not for himself but for her. She's deathly afraid of mild storms, let alone hurricanes, and yet she ran through the back door when he tried comforting her through an anxiety attack. One would think that she wouldn't want to go directly into the thing she fears the most, but what sent her running for the hills wasn't the panic itself, it was him.

It's hard for her to think rationally in this state, but all she knows is that he was there, he was saying all the right things and holding her, and she couldn't do it. The fear began to blend to one centered around both him and the storm. The hours of useless distractions and ruminating in her thoughts built up to this point of contention, then it snapped.

Between the thunder, his voice, and the voice in the back of her head that was urging her to confess her feelings and do as John B advised them to, it became too much. Maybe it was the most idiotic split-second decision she made without any regard for logic or reason or her safety, but she bailed. For the third time, she couldn't handle the pressure and ran from him.

The only difference is that he couldn't let her leave this time.

He gasps for air against the streams of water flowing down his face, soaking his hair and making it hang in his eyes to obstruct his view more than the weather already has. It happened so fast, neither of them are wearing shoes. His feet sink into the muddy yard with every stride he takes in his frantic pursuit of her and it frustrates him no end because of how it slows him down.

There's endless dangerous possibilities with her being out here. She could be knocked over into the marsh by the wind, or stuck and hurt by a piece of debris—merely thinking about it makes him call out her name louder in the hopes that it'll wake her from her panicked trance.

After trudging through the mud all the way to the edge of the yard, he finally manages to get to her.

"What are you doing?" JJ shouts, turning her around and grabbing onto both of her arms as if one gust of wind would sweep her away if he didn't, "You're gonna get hurt!"

Stumbling backwards in the direction of the screened-in porch that surrounds the back door, he uses their difference in strength to tug her away in the direction she came out in. The rain makes it difficult to keep a firm grasp on her, and she almost slips away a couple of times when the wind picks up enough to make him too unsteady to hold on.

His arms slip around her waist for a better grasp on her the closer they come to reaching the house. The last thing he wants is to almost get her back inside and lose her at the last second. She isn't thinking rationally right now with the panic she feels taking full control of her responses. He knows firsthand how it feels to be thrown headfirst into a panic attack, he's been in her shoes before and knows better than anyone the lengths your irrational mind will go to if it means survival. And for whatever reason, her response is flight, not fight.

The door to the screen porch takes all of his effort to open against the power of the wind blowing it back against the house.

He grits his teeth as he forces it open, one arm secured around her midsection, and helps her in before he slips inside too. The second he lets go of the door, it's sent slamming back into place and rattling in the frame behind them, but he doesn't spend anymore time on it other than the few seconds it takes to lock it. As soon as it clicks with him that they're safe—most importantly, that she's safe—he whips around to face her with a cold rage flowing through his veins.

"What the fuck?"

She stands in front of him with water pouring off of her in rapid drops onto the rug, and there are no thoughts in her head outside of the ones telling her to leave. Her tears blend in with the droplets of rain so seamlessly that he wouldn't know she's crying if not for the sound of it.

In between her rapid breaths and sobs, she yells back at him, "I was scared, okay?"

"Why'd you run out into the storm if you—"

"I wasn't afraid of the storm, I was afraid of you!"

The silence that follows is louder than anything they've experienced. Nothing can rival it, not the thunder, the rain, or anything can drown it out while he stares at her in shock. His eyes are wide, lips slightly parted as he reaches for something, anything, he can say in response to that, but there's nothing. For once, he is absolutely speechless.

Things got awkward between them in the initial aftermath of last week, but not like this. There was never an instance where he felt like there was nothing left for him to say to her to fill the uncomfortable silence that always brought forth memories of them together until now. Until she said the last thing he wanted or expected to hear.

His anger subsides as he picks over what he did in his head for anything that could've made her feel unsafe.

Before it evolved into him chasing after her through the hurricane, he noticed how terrible it had gotten for her when he lit the first candle. Her cheeks were streaked with tears and her chest began to rise and fall faster with each second that passed. He could see it on her face that things were getting worse, but, now that he thinks of it, it got worse once he reached out to put his hand on her shoulder.

It felt like a dream sequence in his head, so hazy and faraway now that it's over, and he was so stunned by what she was doing, he didn't run after her until a few seconds later. There was a delay in which he stood there in surprise and tried to process what the hell just happened to no avail. Though it wasn't very long, he remembers it feeling like eternity tucked into the cramped space of four seconds.

JJ's voice is softer than she's ever heard it, asking into the void of the near-darkness that encloses them, "What'd I do?" And it breaks her heart in half to hear him sound so concerned, so terrified of the idea that he did something to hurt her when all he did was try to help. "I never meant to scare you, I swear. I know how bad it can get sometimes, and I know we haven't been talking but I'd never try to hurt you if that's what you thought..."

His thoughts run rampant with the possibilities of what she was thinking at the time, and he realizes that he can't stand the idea of her thinking anything badly of him. He never cares about what people think, but, fuck, he loathes the idea of her having any ill feelings toward him.

Y/N immediately starts shaking her head, her face scrunching with the emotion and incessant tears.

"I know you'd never hurt me. I was scared because..." she stops herself mid sentence, catching it right when she was about to admit the one thing she promised herself she wouldn't.

But the need to say it doesn't go away this time. Usually, once she catches herself she comes to her senses and realizes how foolish it would've been to confess, but this time is different. This time, the urge to speak her mind and tell him everything sticks around. The words left unsaid creep up her throat, thrashing and begging to let out after months of being pushed aside.

The look in her eyes is strangely reminiscent of the way she looked at him the night they hooked up, almost yearning in its nature, and he couldn't be more confused. She's scared of him, but she's looking at him like she did when she was two seconds away from jumping his bones. And if he didn't do anything wrong, why was she afraid enough to face her worst fear in order to avoid him?

"Because what?" he asks.

That frustration from when they first stepped into the porch hasn't vanished, it only took a backseat once she said she was afraid of him, not the storm, and he can feel it stirring up again. He's tired of not having answers. He's tired of mixed signals and loneliness and unrequited love. Most of all, he's tired of her running away all the time. At this point, he questions whether or not it's worth it to expose his feelings to her and suffer the consequences.

John B was right. This isn't healthy for them, nor is it healthy for them to put their friends through this along with them, and it might be better to not be friends than to stay this way forever. At least that way they wouldn't be wishing for answers that would never come for the rest of their time together.

She decides at this moment that this has to be said before it gets worse, before she runs away again like a scared, immature child and ruins everything.

"Because," she has to shout over the lightning that cracks down on the earth down the street, something she would be trembling in fear over if she weren't so focused on him, "I've been in love with you for a couple months and it scares me more than anything, even this stupid fucking storm! And I've tried so hard to ignore it because I know you don't feel the same way, but you touched me and I just"—a soft cry escapes her—"I couldn't do it anymore."

There it is.

After months of ruminating over it and hiding everything, he knows, and her immediate feeling after she says it isn't what she thought it would be. She expected trepidation and regret, but what she finds on the other side isn't either of those, it's relief. Her dad often tells her when she's nervous about something that the anticipation is worse than the thing itself, and that has never been as true her as it is now.

However, some of the nerves return with the time that passes after she spoke in complete silence. Much like the delayed reaction he had to her running out of the house, it isn't as long as it feels to her. It's a short span of time that it takes for her words to process with him, but it feels like an eternity that he stands there with his head facing the floor in quiet contemplation.

Her heart sinks.

This means he doesn't feel the same way, doesn't it? If he were the one telling her he loved her, she likely would've leaped into his arms and said it back, but he stays where he is.

Then, after what feels like forever, she thinks she sees him start to smile and feels like she's losing her mind. It's quite dark out here, so there's only a limited amount of light to allow her to see his features, but there's no doubting it when a flash of lightning floods the porch with a split-second of harsh light.

Oh God, why is he smiling? What does it mean?

Much to her frustration, the first thing he says after her confession isn't much help in making her understand his feelings either.

"Why didn't you just talk to me?"

Why? The voice in the back of her mind asks incredulously. Is he seriously asking why? He ignored me too. He didn't want to talk about it either, so what else was I supposed to do?

Maybe she was undeniably worse when it came to the avoidance and lack of communication, but he could've reached out to her too. They both could've. Instead, they spent day after day waiting for the other to make the move and pushed the tension further and further until it finally broke. Now she's waiting for him to hurry up and reject her so she can move on with her life.

She shivers from the wind blowing at her wet skin through the screens separating them from the outside world, crossing her arms over her body to hug herself. His eyes follow her movements down to the breaths that are slowly evening out without her realizing it. It turns out that confessing your love for the guy you've been crushing on since the day you met him is a hell of a distraction.

"I thought you wouldn't wanna hear me being all emotional and shit over a one time thing. You've literally never had an actual relationship before. And that's fine," she rambles, "I'll be okay eventually, but that's not who you are and there isn't a problem with that. I just caught feelings when I shouldn't have."

In her defense, she isn't making baseless assumptions about him, he hasn't had a relationship before. His love life hasn't ever really revolved around love itself, it was mostly comprised of random chicks he'd meet at parties or at the beach during the summertime when tourists come to visit the island. Out of all of them, he's the last one the Pogues would expect to fall in love with someone and commit to a relationship, but then...

He looks over at her with a swell of emotion within him that he's never felt before. It wasn't like he hadn't known before now. He did. He even said it out loud to himself that morning after the party, but this is when it feels the most real. Now that she's said it to him, he doesn't feel so stupid for toying with the four letter word in the back of his mind for the entirety of the past week.

In all honesty, he was the last person he would've expected to fall in love with someone this quickly too. He thought he knew himself better than this. He thought he could keep himself hidden away and not let anyone close enough to see him—the real him, faults and feelings and vulnerability included—but she proved him wrong. In walked Y/N with her pretty smile, teeny bikini bottoms, and oddly strong opinions on Ratatouille, and he stood no chance.

This sudden crescendo of emotion only continues to grow when he watches her shiver, soaked to the skin, across from him and decides that he never wants to deny himself of her again. Those feelings of inadequacy that forced him to question his relationship with her may not have gone away, not by a long shot, but they can't stop him anymore. Nothing can.

Like a light flickering to life in this swirling, stormy darkness, she hears JJ's voice asking her, "What if it is who I am?"

It was said so softly, she nearly lost it beneath the rain and wind. But it was not said with a lack of certainty, which is why she questions if she heard him correctly. He sounded so sure of himself that it feels too good to be true. After his reaction, or lack thereof, to her telling him she loved him, she accepted what was coming and this was not it.

"What?"

He doesn't miss a beat.

"You heard me." There's a pause. "Maybe I needed to meet the right girl."

There is no way he's saying what she thinks he's saying because if he is...if he is then that means the tears and frustration have all been for nothing because he loves her back. But if he loves her, then what was with the kook girl? Was it to make her jealous, or is she misinterpreting him right now and he was flirting with that girl because he doesn't have real feelings for her?

"JJ..." she trails off, looking down and thinking to herself how thankful she is that it's too dark for him to fully see how nervous he made her, "don't do that."

Partly, he should feel offended that she'd think he'd toy with her feelings like that, but he isn't. He's too busy wondering what on earth made this poor girl so insecure to think that someone has to be joking to confess their love to her. It makes him wonder if anyone wronged her before she moved here, and he feels that switch of impulsive anger inside of him flip at the thought.

But that anger has nowhere to go, so it shifts into something different—a need to spend every waking moment of the rest of their time together proving to her that she doesn't have to be so afraid. Does it make him a hypocrite? Probably. It wasn't too long ago that he was telling the Pogues how much he didn't deserve to be with her, but he doesn't see himself the same way he sees her. In his head, he has reasons to believe he doesn't deserve her love, but how could she ever think that herself?

He steps closer to her, the movement something so natural and unconscious to him that he doesn't recognize he does it until he hears her breath hitch in the back of her throat. They were already close enough to reach out and touch each other if they wanted to, yet now it's the kind of closeness that wipes the slate of her mind clean with nothing else but the thought of him there to stay.

He starts to say, "I'm not fucking with you, dude, I'm being serious—"

"Then prove it."

Oh.

The sound of his unfinished sentence lingers on the tip of his tongue as he blinks away his surprise at what she said, though it was less of a statement and more of a challenge. What the challenge is, he isn't too sure, but he thinks there could be a couple of meanings there.

The fire in her eyes when she looked up at him is one he recognizes very well, it stars in one too many of his daydreams that center around their secret night together. She rose to the occasion without fail and matched his chaos every time, and that steely-eyed stare is reminiscent of it.

Yet, the sexual undertone isn't the only part of it to be discovered. There's a clear meaning there for him to actually prove it, to put his money where his mouth is, grow a pair, and tell her how he feels with no room for confusion. No more miscommunication, running away, or insecurity getting between them, just a clear cut confession like hers.

His hand runs through his hair to sweep it out of his eyes and keep the wet strands from dripping down his face. It helps him see her a little better too, grounding him to the moment and calming him at the dimmed sight of her expectant, wide eyed gaze.

There were a million versions of this whenever he let himself imagine admitting it. He only let himself picture it on the worst days, days like the one two days ago when he went home to his dad, ending the night by cleaning his own cuts and inspecting his own bruises in his locked bedroom. He did it to distract himself from wanting to storm out of the room and finally kill the son of a bitch after years of suffering in silence.

JJ closed his eyes, shaking with anger, and dreamed of how he'd tell her. There were versions with long speeches that were far too sappy to exist outside of the realm of his imagination. There were versions with him burying the words between friendly jokes to play down the extent of his feelings too, but he thought it worked best in its simplest form.

So he puts it as simply as it gets, lips fighting a soft smile as he crosses the space between them and rushes in to kiss her. It's charged with an accumulation of the pent up love, anger, and sexual desire that has been repressed until now, resulting in something utterly explosive.

He stops for a second to whisper, "I love you too," into her parted lips, and she finally lets herself go at the sound of those words.

Forget that they've only known each other for five months, when you know you know. This is the real deal. This is the kind of feeling that possesses every accessible inch of her heart and she'd never be open enough to admit that to anyone but him at the moment, but neither of them minds that. It's such a new, rapidly developing feeling that they want to protect it and keep it close to them for the time being.

His arms twine around her waist, tugging her the last bit forward and leaving no space between their bodies this time. The sudden movement draws a sharp gasp from the back of her throat and sends her hands out to brace themselves on his shoulders. The sound of the gasp that disappears into their connected mouths only fuels him on more. It makes him more eager with how he touches her with his hands drifting down the plane of her back, one of which playfully slipping beneath the hem of her soaked shirt in a way that makes her smile into the kiss.

He knows exactly what he does to her. He can sense it in the small reactions that would often go overlooked if it were someone less familiar with her.

It's easy to tell by the way she completely surrenders herself to him, letting out these soft little noises she doesn't even realize she's making when he takes control of the interaction and kisses her like he's starved for it. In a way, he is starving for affection and attention from her. He never knew it was something he needed so badly until he got it, and now he never wants to go without having her again.

That's why it doesn't surprise him when she starts getting antsy after a moment or two, especially after keeping away from him for days.

Her hands run down the length of his chest over the soaked t-shirt, taking a quiet victory in how his stomach flinches inward in response to her exploring touch, and she could swear his next exhale trembles as she continues lower. Never once does she break the kiss, which, by the way, has gone past the point of being passionate and straight to downright needy, but her concentration does falter. The perfectly paced rhythm of her mouth moving with his is interrupted when she touches him over the fabric of his shorts.

Those plushy soft lips go on an exploration of their own too. Leaving him with the first opportunity to catch his breath in minutes, she dips her head beneath the sharp edge of jaw in pursuit of the sweet spot she remembers reducing him to a grabby, moaning mess the last time they did this. It doesn't take her long, not if the tightening of his arms around her and the satisfied hum of a moan she feels vibrate beneath her mouth has anything to say for it.

He loses himself in it for a second or two...okay, fine, maybe ten.

The separate sensations combined spark a flame inside of him that burns so hopelessly for whatever she'll give him. His mind sends him images of them together, both real memories from their first time together and imagined fantasies he only let himself visit in his dreams, and he realizes how thinly spread his self control has become lately.

First, it's the thought of her from last week, thoughts of her gasping, writhing, and begging beneath him that makes his cock throb under the teasing contact of her hand through his shorts. But then he's brought elsewhere. Then, though he hasn't thought of it since the day after the party, he thinks of the mix of jealousy and anger he felt when he saw Tyler with her.

He remembers being sane one moment and charging across the room like a madman the next. He remembers how it felt to watch another person's hands slip under her dress, how it felt to see someone else try to kiss her the way he had, and this raw wound of a memory is all it takes to spur him into action.

It happens so quickly, she doesn't even notice what's happening until he has her scooped up in his arms with her legs around his waist. She doesn't even have the chance to voice her surprise or crack a joke at the expense of his neediness before he reconnects their paused kiss with enough force to make her teeth ache in the collision.

JJ's rings are colder than ice, digging into the flesh of her thighs as he holds them with a tight grip and blindly takes the few steps necessary to reach the back entrance of the house. His wet handprint smudges on one of the cracked-open glass doors and sends droplets of water dribbling down the surface. The teardrop of rain zig-zags at the swinging motion of the door on their way in, only changing course again when he nudges it shut behind him a little too loudly.

"Wh"—her question is cut off by him laying her down on the rug-covered floor in between the couch and coffee table—"What if John B wakes up?"

His first thought was to bring her into the spare bedroom, but then he realized that it shares a wall with John B. Then, he considered the pull out couch but realized that would be louder than the room adjacent to their friend's. His only conclusion was this.

It isn't nearly as romantic as either of them would've pictured, but they're not exactly picky either. They're so desperate for it, they'd likely do it on the porch in the middle of a hurricane if there weren't another option. And in their own weird way, they make it romantic.

There's no one else she'd rather risk rug burn for, and that is the peak of romance.

"John B sleeps like a fuckin' rock," JJ says, "and it's own his fault for trapping us here anyway."

He follows her down onto the floor without a second thought, not even looking up to see if they woke their friend with the sound of the door shutting behind them.

Hovered above her, he looks particularly captivating in the flickering candlelight. The fire burning in one of the three-wick candles they scoured the bathroom cabinets for brings out the warm hues in his blonde hair and highlights every edge of the angular face that looks down at her. The porch was far too dark for her to see him in all of his near-perfection, but this is enough for her to notice a multitude of things.

His slicked back, wet hair allows her to see his features better and the way he looks at her...it's enough to make anyone feel red in the face. How hadn't she see it before? She knows it was denial, but, somehow, she used to overlook the small hints along the way like how he looks at her like she's the only thing that makes sense to him. For the first time in a while, she allows herself to embrace the idea of being loved without looking for something to justify her fears surrounding it.

The sound of her voice brings him out of the mesmerized trance he fell under at the sight of her.

"I've missed you," she says softly, "like a lot."

The sweet admission slows him down for a second, making him stop to ignore the distracting desire that she sparked to life a moment ago and take the time to cherish this moment of rare serenity with her.

It's a wonder that she hasn't even acknowledged the storm raging on outside since they've come back in. It's all thanks to him, of course, since she's been too focused on everything happening between them, but it surprises him. It makes a sense of pride flare up in him on her behalf for being capable of forgetting something she fears so much.

But, on the other hand, it reminds him of how distraught she was right before their conversation/argument on the porch shifted from her panic to the topic of their relationship, and he can't help but hesitate a little.

"I missed you too." The hand he isn't using to support himself above her cups her face, his thumb tracing the line of her cheekbone. "Are you okay though? You were just crying and I don't wanna make you—"

"Yes."

It was so said so quickly, there was zero hesitation. It's not that it doesn't surprise him that she's as eager as he is after what started to happen out on the porch, but it does make his eyes widen a little. His mouth curls with a slight grin. It's the kind that never fails to make her stomach fluttering and light with butterflies.

"You don't have to worry about me. I'm okay, and I promise I'll let you know if I'm not," Y/N clarifies.

"Okay."

There's a short moment where all they do is look at each other with a complete loss for words to convey what they feel right now. It isn't as awkward as it would've been prior to tonight. Before they confessed their feelings, they wouldn't have been able to look at one another for any longer than a few seconds without needing to walk away to break the tension. Now, things have changed. They don't feel the need to conceal how much they care anymore.

They're still the same bickering duo they've always been with the added fun of being head over heels. She never used to understand how some people could let their feelings for another person drive them crazy, but it's done more than make her crazy this past week. It made her jealous, obsessive, and somehow happy too, and no one has ever made her feel so many varying emotions in her life.

Her fingertips graze the stretch of skin between where his cargo shorts sit on his hips and his shirt rides up the side of his torso, and he swallows thickly at the feeling.

"Do I make you nervous?" she asks.

Her lilting, smooth voice is enough to soothe any nerves he could possibly have. It's as if hearing her ask that paired with the hand teasing the waistband of his shorts pulled him back to the place he'd been before when she was teasing him over his clothes.

He answers honestly, his head going fuzzy with the crushing desire that courses through him, "Not as nervous as I make you," and closes the space between them again.

The cheeky comment doesn't go unnoticed by her, not one bit. It makes her face heat up in embarrassment that is purely instinct after having to hide her feelings from her for so long. Maybe after they've been together for longer, it won't make her blush every time he acknowledges the effect he has on her out loud, but that day isn't today. Today, she goes hot in the face from a sole second of his attention, let alone this.

JJ lets his hand climb up the length of her torso as they kiss as if they have all the time in the world, as if their best friend isn't sleeping less than twenty feet away from them, until it flattens at the base of her neck. It doesn't curl around her neck and squeeze, nor does it do anything but remind her how much she loves the feeling of him touching her, the large palm of his hand simply stays draped over her throat to flaunt his ability to sway her nerves.

She's pretty sure if it were anyone else, it wouldn't work, but he's JJ for fuck's sake, and the quiet display of dominance sends an exhilarating little thrill rumbling through her. It isn't anything over the top or exaggerated like some people would do in an attempt to stake a claim over the person they love, just a simple gesture that they both know the meaning of.

She's his. After five months of friendship, two months of silent pining, and a week of sexually confused hell, she's his, and he'll never let her forget it.

The wind rattles the windows over the couch with its force and she notices that his hips grind into hers at the sudden sound. Even in the midst of such a heated moment, it's downright cute how he still makes an effort to distract her from what she fears. And, boy, does it work.

Their panting breaths in the brief seconds they allow themselves to break away from each other are the only sounds audible in the small living room. The storm drowns it all out for now, including the noises that start to leave them from the steadily building pleasure of their bodies moving together.

She can feel how hard he is through the layers that separate them with every absentminded thrust that brushes the fabric of her panties up against her clit each time. It leaves her breathless and wondering, despite already knowing, what it'll feel like when he finally slips inside of her again.

They both fantasized about it in the time they spent apart. Neither of them would dare deny it, least of all JJ. It actually became frustrating after a while because she started to become the only scenario he could conjure to get himself off when he had a rare moment of privacy. His fantasies, all stemming from the night that was so perfect, he began to question the reality of it, linger in his head.

The best part of his fantasies were the parts of them based in truth, and if he knows anything about her when she's in this state, it's that she's needy. Her tongue swipes along his bottom lip in a silent urging to let her deepen the kiss, and he complies without a second to spare, willing to entertain her every whim so long as she keeps being so good for him.

He revels in her muffled squeak of a moan when he presses down on the sides of her throat at the precise moment his hips grind down to meet hers. She can't keep herself still for any longer than a half-second, always meeting his movements halfway and unknowingly doing another thing that will be the death of him.

She leads his shirt up his body without having to second guess herself, knowing that he's always on the same wavelength as her no matter what. This was how it was the last time too. Anything she did, he was already one step ahead, and tonight isn't much different. By the time her hands ball up the dripping cotton fabric, JJ is lifting the hand off of her neck to reach for the neckline of the shirt and help tug it off.

There's a sense of urgency in everything they do. Charged up with frustration and jealousy that brewed within the days they spent apart, there's nothing to stop them from reducing themselves to a pair of panting, impatient lovers too consumed in each other to care about the outside world.

The sopping wet fabric is thrown beyond her line of sight and lands on the hardwood floor with a 'thwack' that accompanies their cacophony of moans and gasps, and she whimpers at the sight of him. It may have to do with the fact that he's guiding their bodies together at a cadence and pressure perfect enough to make her legs tremble, but seeing him like this does nothing but aid the sensation.

Golden skin glistening under the candlelight, tendrils of half-dry blonde hair falling into his face with the lazy effort of his movements, and a stray raindrop that squeezed from the wet shirt dripping down his chest...she's not gonna make it out of tonight alive, is she? In her memory, she knew he was a sight to see in the midst of a heated moment, but, fuck, memories do not hold up beside the real experience of it.

Y/N is so caught up in his seemingly endless beauty, she doesn't notice him peeling her damp denim shorts off of her hips until they're halfway down her legs, and the only reason she does notice is because he must shift his position to do it. Suddenly, the budding feeling that stirred from their needy antics is plucked away and left to ache for more in the absence of him between her thighs.

Her middle and index fingers hook around the front of his necklace to pull him back down to her, but he doesn't budge at first. He's too busy trying to rid her of her shirt to care.

It was too much of a distraction while they kissed for him to resist slipping it off of her when he got the chance to. Much to his frustration when he first realized they were trapped with each other, she's braless underneath, and it's only worse now that the t-shirt is soaked to her skin and clinging to every delicate curve.

Once the clothing gives way to the canvas of her bare skin, he submits to her urgency and follows her down by the fingers hooked around his necklace without any qualms.

As soon as they resume, it's as if they never stopped to begin with, and they start to realize how seamlessly they fit together as the seconds elapse. Neither of them are actively thinking about it while he dips his hand into the front of her panties, but it is in their subconscious.

It's a revelation of sorts, an ah-ha moment where it hits them both in a sweeping realization that it was obvious from the day they met. They should've known sooner, they should've dropped their pride and admitted it as soon as the first inklings of desire began to pop up, but they didn't. Instead, it washes over them now and they let the current take them away together.

Her mouth falls open against his cheek at the feeling of his fingers swiping through the arousal that pools in her underwear for him, dragging the wetness over his fingertips and spreading it up to brush fleetingly against her clit. It's a split-second of a touch that it makes her hips lift up off the floor on their own accord to seek out more. It makes her dig her nails into the skin stretching over his taut shoulder muscles in a wordless plea for more that he doesn't indulge her in at first.

He makes her earn it from him without having to say a single word. He touches her, but he doesn't touch where she wants or ease his fingers into her to satisfy the need she feels yet. It's a blessing and a curse that he manages to turn her on to such an extent. He does it for her like nothing else can, so much so that she's noticed a distinct difference in how it feels when she's alone versus when they're together. When she's alone, it can tend to feel like active effort, but when she's with him, it's as natural as the urge to breathe.

His smirk is felt against her skin the entire time she begs for it through the revealing actions of her body—her hips jerking up toward him, her chest pressing tightly to his, and the sound of her murmuring, "Please," in a breathy tone that could stop his heart.

"Tell me what you want," JJ says, every word constrained and tight in a way that tells her he's a lot less composed than he lets on, and "accidentally" swipes his thumb over her clit again. "Talk to me, baby."

She almost forgot in their time apart how much of an effect he has on her, but this is the best reminder of that she could possibly imagine. If she could, she would find a way to bottle the feeling he gives her and keep it with her forever so that, no matter what happens between them, she'll never have the misfortune of forgetting him.

What he said simultaneously melts her heart and frustrates her to no end because he knows! He knows damn well what she wants from him and won't give it to her unless she asks for it, and she hates herself for loving it. She hates herself for enjoying the flushed-face embarrassment it brings to her cheeks to be so open with him about what she needs.

She swallows the lump in her throat and tries to focus through the clouded landscape of her head to speak to him. It's hard to concentrate when he's above her like this, touching her, calling her pet names, and looking at her like that.

With his lips worshiping the sensitive skin along her neck, she finds it hard to choke out the words, "I want you," into the humid air that has infiltrated the house.

It's not a lie. Anything regarding her wanting him or any related feeling is no longer something she can hide anymore, but they both know it isn't exactly what he wanted. No matter how it took his breath away to hear her say it, he was seeking something more specific. He was aiming to make her ask, maybe even beg, for it. They're both too impatient to wait and based on how wet his fingertips are from barely dipping into her, he can tell she's as eager as he is.

It's been thirteen days too long since the last time they allowed themselves to meet this way, and neither of them wants to let it happen again.

She was nearly trembling with the urge to go to him whenever they were together in the company of their friends, unable to think about anything except for how badly she wanted him. All the while, he appeared so unbothered, especially on the night of the party when he flirted with someone else, that she didn't even believe he felt the same way back. Thankfully for her, she couldn't have been more wrong.

He clicks his tongue and says, still teasing her with light touches that never linger in one place for too long, "That wasn't very specific."

Part of her should know that he's about to do something based on how he withdraws his head from its cherished place in the crook of her neck, but she's too caught up in the anticipation and seeing his face for the first time in a minute to think about it. How dare he look so good? She could cry in frustration, although she might actually already be tearing up a little with the rush of neediness hitting her in its full force.

Never has she felt so turned on by so little physical contact before. It usually takes longer for her to get to this point, whether it be alone or in the past with previous partners, yet all it took was being kissed, touched, and being given his undivided attention and now...She realizes she's in trouble. He has her in an emotional and sexual chokehold at this point, and she fears that no one can compare.

"I want—" her voice is snuffed out in an instant when he eases two fingers into her, "Oh!"

So that's why he pulled away from her neck to look at her.

It was worth abandoning the mark forming on her neck just to see the expression on her face shift. She gets this cute look when anything overwhelming starts to happen where her brows scrunch a little to create a soft wrinkle between them as her mouth drops open in a moan. And after ten steady minutes of doing nothing but some over the clothes action and painstaking teasing, this is as overwhelming as it gets without it crossing the line to being too much.

It never occurred to her how much larger his fingers are compared to hers until now. This type of pleasure is like an itch only someone else can scratch to her, she feels virtually nothing when she does it to herself, but when he does it, it's like an explosive being set off inside of her. Especially with the thumb that sneaks up to circle her clit without stopping to tease her again, she is putty in his hands at this point.

Every smooth stroke of his fingers into her reaches a spot she can never quite find on her own, and she can feel the cold bite of rings when they're buried into her to the knuckle.

It's a surprise every time, even when she knows to expect it. Like a delightful chill running up through her body and down her spine exactly how it's intended to. It strikes an idea in her head for when he eventually pulls them out of her, conjuring the image of her sucking them clean for him just for the sake of imagining what it'll do to him.

With that idea tucked away in the back of her mind, he's the center of her world right now. All she breathes, thinks, and feels is him. Whether it be the sight of him, or the feelings he's giving her, or even the taste of his kiss that still lingers on her tongue, it connects to one common thread.

"What were you saying?" JJ asks, and she wants to wipe that smirk right off his face.

It's virtually impossible for her to piece together a coherent thought, let alone a sentence detailing every filthy idea she has for him, but she tries. It takes another moment or two of her succumbing to the rapid incline of pleasure that he gives her, watching her in wonder through any greedy buck of her hips or gasping inhale that makes her head loll back onto the floor.

At first, what she wanted to say was that she wanted him to touch her, to do anything more than the fleeting touches he gave before. Now, she wants more than that. Now that she's drawn in closer to the eventual high that's to come, she doesn't want it to happen like this. She wants to feel closer to him than this, wants to feel him throb inside of her and fuck her with all of the urgency and desperation that has accumulated in their time apart.

That's why her hands start to grab at the belt loops of his shorts to tug him closer by them, meeting his gaze through the hazy bliss of his fingers pumping into her. It's not enough.

"Please"—she keeps pulling him closer to her, so close that there's hardly any space left to cross, and he revels in her desperation—"just fuck me already..."

Internally, JJ is losing his shit.

Though this was what he wanted, what he coaxed out of her with the teasing and the pretend sense of a nonchalant attitude on his part, it hits him harder than he expected it to to hear her say it. It's not necessarily the act of begging itself either, it's the fact that she's the one doing it. She may have been jealous of the girl at the party, but she had nothing to worry about. Not in the slightest.

Before her, he never thought he'd fall for someone this way. It's not like he had a hatred for love or anything, he understood the appeal, it simply wasn't his thing.

He was perfectly content with his only form of companionship being his friends. Then, she came along and changed it. So to hear her say something like that isn't just breathtaking, it's the kind of thing that makes his heart ache for her. It hits him precisely where she wanted it to, and he has never felt as consumed with love the way he does now.

JJ can do nothing to stop himself from pouncing on her at this point, like some animalistic form of himself has worn down the restraint he used to keep himself at bay.

The loss she feels when his fingers slip away from her is an emptiness she mourns at first before she realizes what's happening. He pulls away slightly to reach down between them for the front of his shorts, and their hands clash as they both frantically try to undo them together. The rings adorning his fingers glisten when they catch the light and remind her of the thought that popped into her head when she first felt their coldness against her skin.

That idea paired with the promise of what they're trying to accomplish in their uncoordinated attempt to get the rest of their clothes off makes her want to press her thighs together. Her hands abandon the task of undoing his shorts for the sake of ridding herself of the last layer that separates her from him.

Her most embarrassing old pair of brightly colored panties, courtesy of past Y/N's questionable decision to trust her mom to buy some on her behalf, are hardly a sight to behold. They're the kind that come in a value pack from Walmart, vibrant blue with the word, "Tuesday," printed on the front of them, and she could hide her face into the rug in shame if she weren't so determined to get them off. Of all the days to wear the day of the week undies her mom accidentally got her, of course she chose today.

By the time she reaches for the waistband, he has pushed his shorts and underwear down his thighs and comes back to her with just as much excitement as he left with, but when he helps her tug her panties down her legs, he laughs. Apparently, he had also been too eager to touch her to notice what was written on them before.

"Cute," he breathes out through a laugh, then adds as the cotton fabric slips over her knees, "Pretty sure it's not Tuesday though."

"If you tell anyone, I swear I'll—"

He cuts her off, "Whatever you wanna threaten me with won't work, chances are I'm gonna be into it."

Her eyes are alight with a certain fire he's had yet to fully lure out of her. Even her voice is slightly more airy and seductive as a result of it.

"Promise?"

JJ grins down at her as he finally tosses her panties aside with the rest of their clothes, "Cross my heart, pretty girl."

His hands grip her thighs and tug her down the  rug to him with a quick jolt that snaps them out of the playful nature of their back and forth teasing. No matter how lighthearted of an interruption it was, the mini-conversation might as well have never existed for how easily they fall back into it again.

She watches with her forehead pressed against his as he strokes himself a few times, then drags his tip, messy with precome, through her wet heat. And though she watches it happen, her body still arches into his when he lines up with her and sinks his hips forward.

She anticipated it, but she still gasps and digs her nails into his biceps at the sensation of him pushing into her. Neither of them bothers to worry about the obvious lack of a condom—it was discussed the first time around when he offered and she told him it was okay. He's often the one to silence the alarm on her phone warning her in its title to, "Take your birth control or else, bitch," while she searches her bag for it anyway, so he trusts her.

Both of them prefer it this way enough to risk the  minuscule failure rate of the pill anyway. It's more intimate, closer, and they can both feel the warmth of each other in a way that would've been somewhat muted with an added layer between them. It makes the feeling of him entering her all the more gratifying as she tenses up around him in reaction, drawing a groan from where his parted lips brush against hers.

She lifts her head off of the floor as much as she can to capture his mouth with her own and stifle the sonorous sound despite the storm doing a better job of it.

It seems that every blast of wind and roll of thunder is in their favor tonight, so much so that he isn't even worried about getting walked in on. It's not a thought in his head at this point, the only thought he's capable of having is this. Forgive him for being shortsighted, but he doesn't give a shit if John B notices or hears what's happening when he's buried inside of her so deeply.

His hips are flush with the backs of her thighs in a matter of seconds, and right when he pauses to give her a breather, he feels her shake her head ever so slightly against where their faces are pressed together.

The touch of her hands on his hips is not timid by any means, it's commanding. Her palm prints singe an indelible claim into the surface of his skin as she guides him to start moving without a second spared to dwindle the discomfort of him filling her up. It's less like a pain and more of a pressure blooming from the insistent presence of him, not so overwhelming that it's painful, but it's an effort to breathe evenly and the only thing that'll ease this transitional moment is to continue.

At first, their bodies start to rock together lazily as though on autopilot. They'd hardly be conscious of the fact that they're doing anything if not for the initial sensations of heady ecstasy that flash like the sparks of a lighter in response to their movements. As soon as he felt her hands coax him into action, he sighed happily and surrendered himself to the instinct of wanting to move.

The merging of their bodies is less of the aggressive rutting motions they'll surely succumb to once their current pace is no longer satisfying, but that doesn't make it any less intense. She's partly sure that this is one of the most vulnerable moments either of them has ever had when it comes to sex, and it wouldn't work if it weren't them together. No other person could consume her the way he does, taking up every unoccupied space of her soul until there's nothing left but the silent begging of her heart for him.

Their kiss is messy when it breaks to allow them the chance to suck down a couple breaths of air, saliva shining on his lips in between the seconds it takes them to come crashing back together.

It's loving enough to rot her teeth with its sweetness, a slow but impossibly deep grinding of their hips together that continually presses the tip of him into that sweet spot inside of her, but it takes a turn.

Not only do her hands shift from his hips up to the sides of his waist to get a firmer hold on him, the kiss starts to become vigorous, almost hungry, in search of something more. The dreamlike sequence of the first moment or so they spent slowly fucking under the warm hues of candlelight starts to unravel to reveal the baser instincts that guide them forward.

"Fuck, you feel so good," he whispers the praise into her mouth.

As soon as the words are said, he can feel the effect it has on her. The hands braced on his waist pull his body closer to her at the same moment that she involuntarily squeezes down around him, making the smooth drag of his cock against the velvet-soft heat of her walls even tighter than he thought possible.

The sudden feeling of it makes his first returning thrust much harder than the last. He jerks forward into her with none of the restraint he's retained for the past few moments, and her reaction is nothing short of perfection, at least from his perspective. He watches her throw her head back in a moan, hips bucking to him in pursuit of more, and feels the tips of her fingernails digging crescent-shaped marks into the unmarred skin along his waist.

"JJ!" she gasps in surprise, and if her initial reaction weren't enough to spur him on in a frenzied state of desire, this is.

He almost forgot how intense it had been the first time. Their confessions of love preceding this made them both somewhat softer and sweeter in their approach when they started, but he knows how she likes it.

Nobody would expect it from her. He's another story entirely, especially considering how much John B and Pope know about him, but her? He didn't have any in depth conversations about it with either of them, so none of their friends know how dirty she is.

But when you start to tease it out of her, she's got a side to her that makes his blood run hot. Considering how polite she is, he sure as hell didn't see it coming. For fuck's sake, she's the kind of person who'll apologize to a chair if she bumps into it. With that in mind he never thought she'd be the type to demand such things of him.

Just like that, with one moan of his name, it's like she flipped a switch in him that they forgot was there in the first place. It'll never stop surprising him how little it takes to get him going when he's with her, and he doesn't see that changing no matter how long they spend together in the future. Just a touch from her is all it takes, so it's needless to say that the sound of her calling out his name was more than enough.

Those slow, deep movements he made to sink into her again and again have turned rapid and rough, but still controlled enough to have a semblance of precision to them, hitting in all the right places.

"I bet," JJ speaks lowly, "that you want John B to walk out and see us right now."

She doesn't want to admit how much of an instantaneous effect those words have on her, but the feeling of her clenching around him as she bites back a moan completely betrays her. Partly, she worries that he'll take that the wrong way and think it has something to do with John B when it has nothing to do with him at all, but he doesn't. For the spare second of thought she's allowed to have before her mind goes hazy again, she notes how much more eager he is on the upstroke of the next thrust.

Noticing how right he was in his assumption about her liking the risk of getting caught jumpstarts his heart and makes everything he does rougher. She can sense that he's starting to lose control over himself and is acting on instinct alone.

It makes her much more sensitive to everything he does, and all she can do is cling to him and enjoy it as she takes in everything he says and does. It's hard to pick one thing to focus on between the switch up in pace and what he said.

"You want John B to know you like getting fucked like a slut, don't you?"

She could get off on the sound of his voice alone. Hearing him say stuff like that kills her, it makes the swirling bliss that builds in the pit of her abdomen with every thrust he gives her triple in its extremity.

Her legs are tightly wound around his hips to keep him as near to her as possible, her hands sliding up around his waist to keep a steady grasp on him while he pounds into her. The rug scratches at her back enough to make it sting alongside the immense pleasure building in her, but she doesn't care. When blended with the good sensations, the pain underscores the addictive feeling of him inside of her, fucking her exactly how she asked him too.

Looking up at him when he's like this is simply unreal. There's no other way of describing it in her eyes except for that. He's so stunning, she's inclined to believe that he isn't even real as a means of explaining it. This shouldn't be real. It should be one of her daydreams while she steals covert stares at him as they hang out with the Pogues, but it isn't. She can't wrap her head around it.

Those strands of hair that were damp from the rain are mostly dry as they fall into his eyes with the force of his movements. The sight of him alone, set aside from the rest of it, is enough to make her writhe beneath him and claw at his back in tandem with another thrust that sends her jolting against the rug.

He takes one of his hands up from where they both held her hips for leverage to weave his fingers into the roots of her hair.

He demands between the panting breaths and moans that flood the limited space between them, tugging on her hair, "Answer me."

She instantly blurts out the words, "I want him to see us." The feeling of him tilting her head back by the fistful of hair he has wrapped up in his hand is her persistent reminder to concentrate enough to continue, and she bites down on her lip to contain a moan before speaking again, "I want him to know..."

Her cheeks burn with the mere thought of it, let alone saying it out loud. He's the only person she'd ever let in on this intimate side of her, the side that makes her crazy when she hears him say stuff like this. The reason she feels so comfortable doing this with him is that she knows he understands her. It's as if he can read her mind without even having to try, knowing exactly what to say and when to say it.

It wouldn't matter if the topic of their exhibitionism were any other Pogue or a stranger, it isn't about who it is, it's about the thrill attached to the concept of almost getting seen during such a heated moment. In all actuality, John B is probably snoring face down into his pillow right now with no care for what's happening out here, but he knows what it does to her when they push the boundaries of decency this way. It's the same rush he gets from stealing random, useless things every so often, it's the thrill of getting away with something.

The hand tangled up in the roots of her hair sneaks down between their colliding bodies to rub her clit, and her mouth drops open to take in a shaky breath.

The sight of her beneath him is undoing in and of itself. Head tilted enough to expose her neck to him, chest rising and falling rapidly with her breaths, and breasts bouncing gently with the momentum of their actions—seeing her this way makes his thrusts ramp up into more of a frenzied, uncontainable pace rather than one with the same control and cadence as before. But it's mostly the eye contact that kills him. She doesn't dare to shut her eyes the entire time, as if she can sense that he'll tell her to look at him again the second she does.

"You want him to know what?" he asks, and she knows he won't let her get away with not saying it.

She whines, utterly helpless to the climax starting to build inside of her, "Please."

What she's pleading for, she isn't quite sure, but he can tell by how she's acting that she's starting to get closer, and he wants nothing more than to tease her with the impending chance of her orgasm.

"If you wanna come, you're gonna have to do a lot better than that."

Just like that, he withdraws his hand from between them and leaves her desperate, blindly grasping for the peak she was so close to reaching, she could almost feel it already.

With JJ rocking into her at a relaxed, slower rhythm, the pleasure hasn't disappeared completely. It's there, but she can sense the feeling of her orgasm receding as quickly as it had creeped up on her as soon as he slips his hand out from between them.

It's instantly clear to him how desperate she is as all of her previous shyness surrounding having to admit this to him out loud withers away in seconds. She isn't beneath begging again at this point. He could tell her to crawl across the floor to him and she'd happily do it for the chance of touching him. It's pathetic but true. As much as she has him wrapped around her finger, he has done the same to her and she isn't afraid to admit it anymore.

Her hips jerk toward him in search of the familiar frenzy they were in before that sent her to the brink of climax, but he is impressively stubborn. Despite the fact that it physically pains him to dial it back again, he tries to keep the signs of his own frustration at bay. She knew what she had to say to get what she wants, so he'll only cave when she does.

This time around, she doesn't give a fuck about how badly she blushes or the voice in the back of her mind telling her she should keep this side of her to herself. This time, the one thing she needs to do to prompt her to open her mouth and speak the dirty words he asked her less than a moment ago is look at him. One second of staring up at him and here she is, driven mad enough to say or do anything to get him to pick up where they left off.

She says between the soft noises and breaths coming from them both, clinging to him through every slow but deep thrust that sends sparks ricocheting through her body, "I want John B to know I like getting fucked like slut." Her voice is breathless, and he hangs off of each word as she pauses, looking up at him with a challenging attitude swirling in those pretty eyes. "So stop being a tease and fuck me like one."

His jaw clenches at the bratty statement, one he's too far gone to resist at this point, and right when he's about to respond to her, she speaks again.

"Either that," she says, and a deceptively sweet smile crosses her kiss-swollen lips, "or I can go ask him to—"

She doesn't even get the chance to voice the rest of that thought before he's set into motion.

The hands on her hips flip her over with such casual strength, all she can do is yelp in surprise at the sudden movement that blurs the living room in her peripheral version until she lands with her hands and knees pressing into the rug. He was so swift in pulling out of her and tossing her onto her front like she was nothing more than a rag doll, she hardly had the time to take a breath before she ended up here.

There's hardly any time between when he pulled out to flip her over and when he returns to her again, but it feels like an eternity for them. The few second transition might as well be a few years as she feels his hands guiding her body where he wants it, pushing down on her back until it arches just so, and falls down onto her arms. But as soon as she gets situated, she feels a pair of hands yanking her arms away from where they were braced against the floor and put them behind her back.

It's only then, when he has an unflinching grasp on where he keeps her wrists behind her back with one of his hands, that she is met with the relief of him sinking into her again.

Y/N's jaw goes slack, and she cries out into the rug that her cheek is pressed into as he gives her no chance to adjust or catch her breath before resuming the brutal pace they kept a moment ago. Mentioning anyone else but him doing this to her was the quickest way to get him to snap, so it's safe to say that she's getting what she wanted. After all, she did what he asked, it's fair that she gets rewarded for it.

Amidst the sounds of the storm waging war on the landscape outside of the house, the one thing she can hear over the buzzing pleasure that drowns out her senses is the sinful blend of sounds they create together. It's the sound of their bodies merging, his name falling from her lips, and the curses he makes under his breath that never fail to drive her a little wild.

The hand that isn't holding her arms behind her slides down the length of her curved back until it wraps around her throat to pin her down, and her reaction is everything he could ask for. Seeing her rock back against him to meet him halfway makes his grip on her wrists tighten enough to turn his knuckles white.

Her hair is spread in endless directions in a fan around her head, and he can only see one side of her face from where he kneels behind her, but that glimpse is more than enough. Brows scrunched in pleasure, mouth dropped open in a gape as soft 'uh's and 'ah's escape her on the upstroke of each thrust—she's a mess right now. A beautiful, perfect mess.

"Oh God, JJ," she moans between her rapid breaths and the strong hand constricting her neck, "I'm so close. Please, just let me come."

It took virtually nothing for her to be pushed right back to the edge of the peak she was at less than a minute ago. It took a mere half-minute of this and she's once again reduced to incoherent pleas for more and shaking with no control over herself. Her legs tremble with the effort to keep herself up in this position, and she isn't even the one doing most of the work. In all fairness, this change in position has made the intensity triple. It's deeper this way, and with how harshly he slams into her, it's as though she can feel it in the base of her abdomen.

It's the enjoyable type of pain, however, not the bad type. It'll surely end up with her being sore tomorrow, but she can't hide how much she loves the painful pleasure of how rough it's getting. Being denied an orgasm when she was so, so close to it was initially disappointing too, but it was worth it. If the build up to what would've been her climax before was a spark, this is a flourishing fire spreading through her with no chance of smothering the flames.

He lets go of her throat and taps the side of her jaw in a silent request that she picks up immediately, letting her lips fall open to suck his fingers into her mouth without a second of hesitation.

The taste of her arousal on them is faint, but still there, and it occurs to her that she thought about this earlier before things evolved into chaos. Her tongue swirls around the tips of his fingers as he starts to pull them away in what feels like the blink of an eye to her, leaving him to remember what it felt like when her lips were once wrapped around a more sensitive part of him a week and a half ago.

The one other time he let himself remember it was when they were on the boat with the Pogues, yet that wasn't really of his own volition. It was hot out, so Kiara bought ice pops for them and his mind wandered far from where it should've stayed.

Shining with her saliva, his fingers are pulled from her lips with a soft 'pop' in pursuit of that sensitive collection of nerves at the apex of her thighs. She just needs is a little push to go over the edge, and when he slips his hand down her body to rub tight circles onto her clit, she loses whatever remnants of control over herself she had left.

The steady rhythm of her hips moving back against him falters as she is overwhelmed with the separate sensations culminating into one and giving her the push she needs to come. Her entire body tenses up in anticipation, and since she's pinned to the floor with her hands behind her back, she can only lay there and savor the feeling as it hits her.

After what felt like ages of having it build and build within her, then having it taken away to start the process over again, finally being given a release is a relief beyond any she's felt before.

It's so consuming, it takes away her ability to think of anything outside of how it feels to dissolve into the shockwaves of euphoria rushing through her. Every pulsing wave is prolonged by him, not even through the peak of it does he let up on his precise touches and unforgiving thrusts into her that turn a typical orgasm into the most intense thing she's ever felt.

She's melting in his arms through it all, and as if the change in position didn't make it worse, her involuntary spasms leave him hanging on by a thread.

JJ collapses onto her, barely having the chance to keep himself propped up on his arms as he lets go of her wrists and falls forward onto her sweat-slick back.

The heat of his panting exhales raises goosebumps in its wake where his face is buried into the curve of her neck, and he whines at the impossibly tight feeling of her squeezing around his cock through the end of her climax. Those sounds he doesn't realize he's making have her writhing through the aftershocks, answering with a sound of her own that almost makes him come instantly.

For that reason, he makes the decision to pull out and flip her onto her back.

At this point, she's so dazed and fucked out that she doesn't register any of it until she notices the hollow absence of him inside of her, but it doesn't matter when his face appears through the partial darkness above her.

Despite how sensitive she is right now, the sight of him makes her hands reach out blindly to pull him closer again. They're frantic in their need to get back to one another, grasping and clawing until he finds his way back to her in less than a second, hiking her legs up around his waist with a touch that is somehow demanding and tender at the same time.

It's only when he's inside of her again that it occurs to her why he rolled her onto her back again, and it makes her want to kiss him until her lips turn numb. It may be undeniably hotter to pin someone down and fuck them hoarse, but, no, that wasn't what he wanted. He wanted to be able to look at her, to see her face, and the thought of that has her biting back a sudden confession of love. She isn't sure why she doesn't say it right away, since it isn't like they haven't already done it, but she keeps it to herself for a second first.

It's different now. It's not less passionate or frenetic. It isn't as if he isn't being as rough with her as he was before, but they can both sense a shift in the energy between them as soon as he reenters her. It's less about the pursuit of pleasure and more about the feelings they've kept hidden away for so long. It's a simultaneous realization that hits them a little late after they initially confessed their feelings for each other: this is reality. It's real, and when she touches him this time, he isn't going to disappear if she opens her eyes.

The realization of what happened tonight had yet to hit them until right this second, but now that it has, they move forward with a sense of sentimentality that remained partly dormant before.

If there's anything JJ dislikes, it's being vulnerable. The idea of letting someone in to see every part of him, including the parts he doesn't want to see of himself, has always terrified him after years of being made to believe he's undeserving, yet he isn't uncomfortable right now. Somehow, he feels safe with her. Sex has never been something so emotional for him until now, until her, and he doesn't want it differently.

Their bodies are drawn in close, her arms thrown around his neck, and he's so close, he can feel the muscles leading down past his lower abdomen contract with the inevitable approach of his orgasm. She can sense it too in how he acts.

When he gets close, he becomes clingier and lets his feelings get the better of him. His hands squeeze at her hips, sliding up her sides and back down to hike one of her legs up high around his waist to press deeper into her. He can't bear to allow his touch to stay in one place for too long before exploring another part of her, wanting to memorize the delicate intricacies of her body in its entirety.

It's as if she can read his mind too, cause even when she's sensitive enough to gasp when he pushes her thigh to her chest and throws his remaining energy into fucking her at a satisfying pace, she understands what he needs. She knows to reach up and run her fingers through his hair, to tug on it gently until the light strands are taut from his scalp. She knows to lift her head off of the floor enough to trail tender kisses along his face, his jaw, his neck—anywhere she can access.

"Come for me," she says into a kiss placed on the edge of his cheekbone, reeling in overstimulation as she jolts with his quickening thrusts, "I want to watch you..."

Hearing those words, paired with the kisses and fingers pulling on his hair, does it for him. It doesn't take more for his hips to falter and jerk forward into her a final few times before he comes.

Their foreheads press together as they cling to one another for stability, though it's mostly JJ clinging to her while she watches in adoration, and she has to bite her lip to contain a moan at how it feels. The aftershocks of her orgasm have yet to fade as the feeling of pulsing warmth inside of her makes them stronger, reigniting the fire she felt a moment ago if only for a second.

There's a closeness to this situation that they hadn't felt the last time, and they know it has everything to do with what was said before this happened. The sex itself feels like a dream sequence in her mind now that she's coming down from it with him, moving together slowly and gently beneath the candlelight until they ride out the ends of their highs. It was like they were put under a trance by each other, and now that it's over, the first thoughts that come to mind are of what comes next.

It's not the sole topic on their minds though. They're more focused on catching their breath from where they lay, tangled up together, on the living room floor. As soon as the very last of his orgasm faded from him, he fell onto her without a single ounce of energy left to spare. He's careful not to crush her, but, for the most part, he relaxes on top of her and lets his head rest on her heaving chest.

Strong arms slip down to loop around her waist, and she sure that she couldn't get him to release her if she wanted to, which she doesn't.

But they can't stay like this, not for any longer than a few moments anyway, since they don't know how if John B might wake up and come out of the safety of his bedroom after hours of leaving them to their own devices. JJ was right. He's out cold, but for as much as it turned them on in the heat of the moment, neither of them finds getting caught by him as hot with the clarity of their rational minds coming back to them.

He's the one to break the silence.

"As much as I wanna stay like this, we should probably move in case John B wakes up."

The sound of his voice settles in her with the effects of a sedative. It calms her more than anything else could, especially with the added comfort of him cuddling her so closely. One of her hands strokes through his hair and pushes the damp tendrils of sunshine away from his face as he cranes his neck to look up at her. And, for fuck's sake, what else is she to do except admire him?

His cheeks are dusted pink in a way they often are when he spends too much time outside without one of his hats shielding his face, and she thinks he's never looked better.

Ever since they became friends, she's had this theory about him. In the unrealistic landscape of her overactive imagination, JJ didn't come to this world the way the rest of them did. To her, it seems impossible that someone so good, even in his worst moments, could've come from someone like his dad.

So, in idle moments where she would watch him on a day out with the Pogues or daydream about him, she decided that he's the sun.

She imagines he was created in those breathtaking but brief moments where the sun meets the horizon atop the ocean and washes the sky with a vast array of colors. She likes to think he's the incarnation of it. Golden, warm, and bright for everyone but himself, he keeps the world light for her and their friends without intending to.

Some days are warmer than others too. Some days, the light is dimmed by another bruise beneath his clothes or a bad run-in with some kooks, but today is not like that. This moment is eighty-five and sunny with a balmy breeze. Looking at him right now feels like basking in the sun, and she'd burn here forever if he let her.

Without realizing she zoned out, she jolts when he pinches her arm to rouse her from her ridiculous thoughts. He has this dopey half-smile on his face that nearly draws her back into them again.

"You know what they say," he says, "if you take a picture..."

Her soft laughter invades the room, filling his heart with this light, fluttery feeling that always finds him when she's near. His smile grows as she playfully shoves him and reaches above their heads for her wet shirt to cover up with just in case. Odds are, their friend isn't waking up at the exact moment before they seclude themselves to the spare room and get dressed, but she doesn't wanna take that chance.

"I wasn't staring."

She was totally staring. But who could blame her? When someone looks at a person the way he looks at her, how could they ever stay away?

"Whatever you say."

JJ keeps smiling to himself while he pulls his underwear and shorts up his legs and waits for her to be decent enough to sneak past John B's bedroom to the bathroom at the end of the hallway.

The clothes are soaked through with rainwater, so they feel quite uncomfortable to slip back on, but they merely redress enough to be covered. She stole his shirt to avoid putting her shorts back on, the hem of the grey tee hanging right at the tops of her thighs when she walks. As soon as she slips her panties back on and picks up the rest of their cold, wet clothes, that's the cue he needs to scoop her up and take her away.

Y/N curses under her breath in surprise at feeling her feet being plucked off the ground, but she relaxes again once she's settled in his arms, realizing that it was just him who snuck up behind her and lifted her into his arms.

She doesn't say anything on the way to the bathroom. Instead, she lays her head on his shoulder in exhaustion and finds herself staring at the mark she left behind on his neck.

It's a deep, purplish red against the backdrop of his tan skin...the Pogues will surely notice the next time they see him. And while it will make her blush, it won't make her scared as it once would've. There may be a lingering sense of doubt and insecurity within her, but she wants this with him. Even if it means being teased by their friends or dealing with the jealousy of watching kook girls and tourons at parties hit on him, she wants this.

By the time the shower is spraying the rainwater from her hair and washing her clean of sweat sticking to her skin, she realizes that he isn't saying anything either, but she doesn't think it's out of any awkwardness or miscommunication. There's truly nothing to say, at least for now.

Though they didn't have the chance to talk in depth about everything yet, neither of them thinks of that right now. All they know is that they're together, whether it be officially or not, and it feels good. For once, something in his life feels right, and he lets himself enjoy it in silence.

The shower is a cramped space when shared between them and the wet clothes they have draped over the back edge of the tub, but they make it work. It's not like they mind anyway.

They bump into one another whenever they do so much as breathe, and the white walls echo the sounds of her giggling when he tries to tickle her. She leans her head back against his chest and lets out a laugh with shampoo dripping down the front of her face, and he'll be damned if he ever heard a sound as intoxicating as that.

It's a little weird. He's never been as soft and loving with a person before, and he has already felt overwhelmed in the lulls of quiet between them when he's given the chance to think about it.

When she washes his hair for him, insisting that she must return the favor after he so kindly washed hers, he was struck with the same mixture of wanting to simultaneously lean into and pull away from her that he felt the night of the party.

The warmth of the water loosens his sore muscles, washing suds of the green apple scented shampoo over his shoulders and down, down, down until it circles the drain beside his feet. All the while, her fingertips are delicately tracing over a healing bruise on his torso. Those pretty lips of hers are painted in a suppressed frown that she can't hide from him.

"Are you okay?" Y/N asks.

His instant reaction is to fake a smile, to brush it off and distract her as he usually does, yet he doesn't. He forces himself to remain neutral and not push her away.

"Happens all the time," he murmurs, shrugging and averting his eyes to reach for the soap off on the ledge.

The hands holding either side of his waist tighten as he tries to turn, pulling him back to her with more strength than he knew to anticipate from her. Their chests gently collide back together beneath the stream of water, and she can feel his breathing catch for a second or so in response.

The fact that their relationship has changed doesn't change how she handles this aspect of his life. Their new confessions don't have an impact on the part of his life he never wants to let anyone see, so she isn't going to force him to talk about it because they're trying out this whole relationship thing now. He has hard boundaries that she knows not to push sometimes. That's the way it is, and it might change as they grow closer but she knows to accept it for the moment.

As soon as he hears what she has to say next, he could crumble in relief at the realization that their new dynamic doesn't change anything.

"I didn't necessarily mean...that...I meant generally, you know? It's just that—" she sighs, "you shrink away a little when I hold you, and I wondered if I was making you uncomfortable."

Before she could finish the sentence, JJ was already thinking of what to say to prove her wrong, because that's not it. That's not what it is, and if she thinks she's done anything wrong, he'll do anything to convince her otherwise because it isn't her. It's him.

It's his dad lingering in the darker trenches of his mind, commanding his fear and attention so that even when he isn't physically present, he's still here. Part of why he denied wanting her was because he knew these types of things would arise in the beginning, that there would be difficult adjustments to make and conversations to be had, and he didn't want her to leave him as soon as she was faced with one of these things.

He shakes his head.

"You didn't do anything."

The feeing of her chest rising and falling with his begins to steady him after a moment of allowing the initial hesitation to dissolve. His internal reaction to her touch is the mental incarnation of a flinch. It's him waiting for the other shoe to drop and expecting her to do something, to hurt him, before his mind catches up with his heart. But once he realizes everything's okay, he loves it.

"It's kinda embarrassing, but I guess when you touch me, I'm expecting something else," he says softly, scared that if he speaks too loudly, everyone in the world will know how weak he feels.

She should've figured, but hearing him say it is different than wondering what the reasoning behind it is. Hearing him admit it after months of strict avoidance on the topic is a sucker punch to the gut.

Both times they had sex, he was too distracted and thoughtless to get caught up in that part of himself, but it's when the bliss of the afterglow disappears that it creeps back in. That's why he could always handle touch when it came in that context. It was his way of obtaining what he wanted without having to face this side of it—a temporary fix to a greater web of issues.

But there's nothing temporary about her. He doesn't want her to leave him, not without him resisting the urge to beg her on his knees to stay and at least remain his friend, so there's no choice but to face these momentary challenges head on.

She pauses for a second, thinking, then says, "You don't have to be embarrassed about it, I get it. We'll just have to take it day by day then. We can take it slow, and you'll let me know if it gets to be too much, okay?"

It's hard not to be shocked by how well she's taking it. A lot of people probably wouldn't feel too great after someone they love tells them they expect to be hit whenever they touch them, yet she's taking it in stride.

Things are back to normal as soon as she sees the grin on his face.

"So, you're saying you're gonna be trying not to throw yourself at me all the time?" JJ asks, then clicks his tongue as though in thought. "I give you a week. Tops."

Her eyes go wide as she looks at him. She holds her hand over her heart as she pretends to be scandalized by such an accusation, but they know it's true. They both can't keep their hands off of one another, which is why it confuses him. How can he want to reject and enjoy her touch at the same time? Sure, the discomfort disappears after the first split-second, but the fact that it happens in the first place annoys him to no end.

She rolls her eyes and tries to hide the fact that she's giggling as she reaches for the soap.

"You're a little shit, you know that?"

He doesn't miss a beat, saying back, "Yeah but I'm your little shit, so I feel like that says more about you than it does me."

While he's too busy rinsing the rest of the shampoo out of his hair, she smiles to herself at what he said.

Hers.

Nobody has ever been hers before, or proclaimed themselves as belonging to her as proudly and casually as he just did, and her heart melts over the sweet sentiment he didn't think twice about.

Less than a day ago, she was agonizing over her relationship with him and trying to ignore how powerful those feelings for him were, and now they're here. She no longer has to steal glances when he looks away or hide how jealous she feels when other girls flirt with him. To finally let the tension disappear is an immense weight off of her shoulders.

The rest of the shower is as quiet as the start of it was, and that comfortable silence continues through from when they're drying off and redressing to when they hit the mattress in the spare bedroom with tired sighs.

After the day they had, the mere suggestion of sleep is enough to make them start yawning, so being able to slip beneath the sheets and rest their heads almost sings her to sleep instantly.

Their bodies are laying in the exact outlines of where they laid the night of the party, the only difference this time being their mindsets. This time around, they aren't holding themselves back from anything, and it's most evident in the little things. Like how she doesn't turn around to shield her face from him, instead laying with her head propped on the other end of his favorite pillow.

They're so close, their noses brush if they make any slight movements, and this would be enough for him to submit to the urge to drift into sleep if not for the fact that he feels her jolt when thunder rumbles loudly outside of the window.

Much like his own fears being pushed to the side amidst their desire for each other, her anxiety about the storm wasn't on her mind until they laid down to sleep.

She was so wrapped up in him and everything that happened between them that she didn't have the time to think again until now, until she hears the violent patter of rain against the roof and feels her stomach drop at the sound of the thunder. Suddenly, she's not the one reassuring him about his fearful reactions, it's the other way around.

His warm hand takes hers, snatching it up as though he's worried it'll disappear if he doesn't take it quickly enough, and she lets him. Her eyes flutter shut with the release of a slow, deep breath, and she lets the presence of his hand in hers bring her back to earth.

JJ asks into the darkness, "Can I take you out on a real date?" After a beat of silence, the comforting sound of his voice returns to her. "Not that this isn't fun, but I think you deserve a little more effort than John B's living room floor."

A short-lived chuckle escapes her—a win as far as he's concerned. It's difficult to lure her head from the clouds when she gets this way, and it isn't like he has much experience with calming her during these moments either, but that sounded good to him. It sounded like she wasn't thinking about the increased pace of her heart or the howling wind outside.

He was planning on asking anyway. However fitting of a first night together this was, he wants to take her out for real sometime soon. He doesn't have much money for it, like at all, but they can come up with something special together, even if it's similar to the same shit they usually do together. As long as it's time alone together, they don't necessarily care if it's a perfectly traditional first date.

The tip of his thumb rubs comforting circles onto the back of her hand in the brief time it takes her to respond, stroking the soft skin as if to tell her that everything's okay. It seems to say, I'm right here. Nothing can hurt you. And it might make her crazy, but she believes him. JJ could take her back out into the eye of the hurricane at this very moment and she'd still believe his unspoken promise of not letting her into harm's way.

"Of course," she says, then pauses, and the sound of her sleepy voice hardly reaches his ears when she speaks again, "...I'm sorry I avoided you for the past few days. I was scared to tell you how I felt but I shouldn't have left that morning."

The memory of waking up in his arms is fresh in the forefront of her mind, so much so that she can remember the way his breath felt where it exhaled in warm puffs onto her skin.

In the first few moments of consciousness, it was peaceful.

She laid awake for a minute or two to count his breaths and soak in the comfort of being cuddled up next to him, wishing she could stay there for hours. It wasn't until another moment passed that it clicked with her where she was and what was going on between them recently, and that was what prompted her to slip away from the bed to get ready for her day at work.

It was the second time in a row that she left him in that bed with nothing to wake up to but the cold absence of her body between the sheets he slept under, and he can't deny that it's part of why he holds onto her hand so tightly tonight. Even though she's promised him otherwise, he can't help but think she'll be gone by the time he wakes up. At this point, he's struggling to stay conscious. She can see those pretty eyes drooping more and more by the second, yet the hand holding hers doesn't loosen its grip.

He takes a deep breath and scoots closer to her, keeping his one hand in hers while the other arm drapes itself over her waist, and he can feel her relax into the touch.

"It's okay," he says.

It's easier for him to adjust to so much physical contact when he's the one initiating. He knows that's why she only reached out to hold his hand. If she had it her way, she would've already been cuddling with him as soon as they laid down, but he likes that she gives him the space to initiate it. In the ways it counts the most, she cares about him more than anyone else has.

The touch in itself is his way of accepting her apology. However, truth be told, he already forgave her for it before knowing his love was reciprocated could be a possibility.

Right when she's about to fall asleep, the screen door slamming open and shut with the wind on the back porch makes her whip her head around to look over her shoulder in the direction of the sound. It seems like every time he successfully distracts her from it, the storm finds new ways of reminding her of what's happening outside of the safety of the Chateau.

There's the sound of a barely audible, sharp inhale, then her whispering into the dark room as she looks at the closed door, "I can't believe I went out into that. What the fuck was I thinking?"

It's beginning to close in on her again; the sounds of the storm, the sense of being trapped no matter how safe they truly are, and the rising tidal wave of anxiety that picks up speed the more she tries to will it to stop. This is the part where she tries to relieve it in some way, usually by smoking weed to sleep or going to one of her parents so they can help her through it, but she can't help herself right now.

Debris was being picked and tossed around in the wind like it weighed nothing when she was out there, she could've been knocked into the marsh or struck by a piece of debris.

How could she be so stupid?

Not only could she have hurt herself, she could've hurt JJ knowing that he'd likely follow her out into the storm to bring her back inside, and the thought of him being hurt makes the tension in her chest heavier. Her breathing picks up speed, the anxiety starting to snowball out of control when—

"Hey, look at me," JJ says, reaching up to turn her head to face him, and she damn near crumbles in relief at feeling his hand cup her cheek. It doesn't make it all disappear, but it provides a momentary comfort that she doesn't take for granted. "You're safe here. You know damn well I'll do anything to protect you. I mean, shit, dude, if I have to go out there and tell that rain to fuck off, I will."

This draws out a laugh from her, chest stuttering with the happy sound through the tears glistening in her eyes, and he never wants to stop hearing it. His thumb swipes away the first teardrop that falls before it can slip over the apples of her cheeks. I'm Her quiet cries and shaky breaths continue for a while after the laughter disappears. For a second or two, he watches with his thumb still wiping her tears away and hopes that it'll be enough to comfort her, but it can't do it completely.

He pulls away from her to get up from the bed with an idea popping into his mind, but upon hearing her whine at the loss of contact with him, he pauses to say, "I'll be back quick, don't worry."

The remaining humorous side of her left wonders if he's actually gonna go tell the rain to fuck off, but he's just opening the bedroom door to trot out into the living room.

A candle burning on the coffee table illuminates the space for him, guiding him straight to the forgotten backpack she left slumped against the arm of the couch hours before their relationship was changed for the better. It takes him an instant to get there and back with the bag in hand, and he's digging through it for a second before climbing back into bed with her.

If anyone else rifled through her bag, sifted through her personal belongings, and dug her phone out of it, she'd probably be annoyed, but she never is with him. She's inherently protective of her things, but JJ can do whatever he wants and it has always been that way. It should've been the first warning of what was to come.

He pulls the sheet back over his body and scoots up close to her, trying to resist the urge to retreat at first when he maneuvers her to lay with her head on his shoulder. It should trigger the flight or fight response that often alarms in his head, but he's able to push it away.

She's so vulnerable right now, so gentle and in need of the warmth of another person that he isn't as intimidated. It's not that she couldn't hurt him if she wanted to right now, she could, but he knows her. He knows that the last thing she'd ever want to do is hurt him, so he has to remind himself of that and give himself the permission to enjoy the physical intimacy of her touch. The part of him that questions if he even deserves it can't reach him now, not when he's so focused on her.

"Thumb?" he asks with the phone held out expectantly.

The screen is less than two inches from her face, so she has to push it back slightly, but she flattens her thumb to the button without further hesitation.

When he unwraps the pair of headphones from around the palm of his hand and plugs them into the charging port, she realizes why he left in the first place.

When she was facing away from him, eyes shut and headphones in to distract herself with music earlier, he was stealing glances at her every so often. He tried to keep away from her for the most part. It was difficult though, especially knowing what she said about being jealous the night of the party and knowing how scared she was of the hurricane. He couldn't help but keep an eye on her, for both his own selfish needs and his worry for her.

He keeps an arm tucked around her, pressing her body into his while he pops one of the headphones into her ear and the other into his. The thing is, her eyes aren't trained on the screen like his are once he starts looking through her vast collection of not-so-legally acquired music for a song that suits both of their tastes, they're trained on him.

Their taste in music tends to diverge in certain ways and overlap in others, so there's always a fifty/fifty shot of him liking what she plays when she's the one picking the music. That is why he smiles to himself and halts the endless scrolling in its tracks to hover his thumb over one song.

He obviously heard it before she played it that one time, but it's different for him now. They were riding together in the backseat of the Twinkie on the way to the beach with John B, Kie, and Pope when they let her take her turn to play a song.

That's how it is with them, the driver goes first, then it goes to the front seat passenger, and so on and so on until they make their way back to the beginning of the rotation. It was her turn when she picked this song, and it could've been the song, or the sunset shining through the window, but he felt as though his heart exploded when he looked at her in the middle of it.

He remembers feeling confused, confused as to why he couldn't catch his breath and why he suddenly adored the song he only heard casually a couple of times.

It was her. It was everything about her. The soft hum of her voice murmuring the lyrics, too shy to actually sing them in the presence of anyone else, was too delicate for the others to appreciate over the sounds of the van. He heard it though. He clung to it and admired her, so unashamed in his staring that he didn't realize he was doing it. It wasn't until she noticed that he stopped.

"Do I still have ice cream on my face or something?"

Her fingers came up to wipe at the corner over her mouth, and the action sent him turning his attention away quicker than he knew he could move, pulling the lighter out of his pocket to fiddle with as he mumbled, "Yeah, but you got it off now."

The cheery melody of Just Like Heaven bursts out of each headphone into their ears.

How did he know? How is he constantly reading her mind without realizing it?

This was her first song on the couch that she couldn't stand to sit through without thinking, naturally, of him when confronted with the topic of love. Somehow, it's like he knew that, and instead of feeling exposed and scared he'll know her feelings like before, she feels loved.

She is never skipping this song again.

"Go to sleep," he murmurs, clicking the screen off and resting it on his stomach.

It takes him a short thirty seconds to fall into an easy, calm pattern of breathing that tells her he isn't asleep, but soon will be. But she's fighting her sleepiness to continue looking at him. His eyes are fluttered shut, hair messy on the pillow, and she'd want to reach up to kiss him if he weren't trying to fall asleep.

Instead, she settles for matching her quickened breaths to the slow rise and fall of his chest beneath her hand and shuts her eyes along with him.

By the time the song reaches its end, she thinks he's asleep, but she still whispers, "Thank you," and feels his arm squeeze around her body in response.

The next songs fade into white noise at this point for her, drowning out the storm to the point where she begins to forget it's happening out there.

Maybe they can be each other's safe place when things get rough. After all, he handled this wonderfully considering his lack of experience with her anxiety and she never pushes him on his plethora of unsorted issues, even when she wants so badly to be the one to initiate the touch.

She never makes him think she pities him, or wants to "fix" him like so many partners with savior complexes who will never try to understand how it feels often do in these situations. With each other, maybe it doesn't have to be so complicated anymore, even when they have those inevitable arguments here or there.

The last thing he does before allowing himself to be dragged under is brush his lips on her forehead in a tender kiss. And when he eventually wakes to the rising sun shining through the windows in the aftermath of the violent hurricane, she's still there.

Tag List: @jjjmaybank, @its-simply-fanfiction, @naughtydild0swaggins.

#jj maybank #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank smut #outer banks #obx s2 #obx #fanfiction

[violettelueur]

— JUJUTSU KAISEN EPISODE THREE || GIRL OF STEEL

↳ featuring : itadori yuji + fushiguro megumi + kugisaki nobara + gojo satoru from jujutsu kaisen

↳ warnings : swearing and EXTREME grammar issues

↳ form : story

↳ published : 10 february

↳ pronouns : she/her

↳ word count : 5.7k

↳ synopsis : within the jujutsu world, there were three famous clans to be aware of, the Kamo clan, Zenin clan and the Gojo clan. However, unknown to many sorcerers there was one last family that was known to be apart of the three, only for them to disappear after the golden era leading some to speculate that they had died in battle after the sealing of ryomen sukuna, but....

↳ previous episode : for myself 

↳ next episode : curse womb must die

↳ barista’s notes : i am back again with another episode of jujutsu kaisen everyone ʕ •ᴥ•ʔゝ☆ this will be the last update for now since i want to get some of your requests done due to my pushing them back to get the first three episodes done! i hope you enjoy this cup of classic black coffee (jujutsu kaisen) and come again ʕ•ᴥ•ʔﾉ♡

BEFORE READING, I NEED YOU TO BE AWARE OF THIS:

1. the whole story belongs to Gege Akutami and the credits go to them and them only

2. the spell curses used belong to Tite Kubo due to them being the ‘Kidos’ being used on the manga and anime ‘Bleach’ - but none is mentioned in this chapter

3. this whole thing might be confusing and please don’t expect a part four soon because i will do it when i am ready or feel like i can at the right time ʕ ᵒ ᴥ ᵒʔ

4. i don’t know, if i am going to add this onto my masterlist since this was just for fun to be honest!

Taken back to his discovery, you turned back to look at Gojo will a deadpan expression leading him to then carefully suggest, “Since you are part of the lost L/N clan, I won’t tell the higher-ups about your existence but rather have you twist your name slightly when you enrol, how does that sound?”

Glancing at the teacher with suspicion, you tried to hide the gut-wrenching feeling that there was not a possible chance of you now escaping from this. You had been caught and found and there was no way to lie yourself out of this situation you were in, not when Gojo had discovered who you really were while Fushiguro seemed to look clueless on what was going on between his teacher and the female sorcerer in front of him.

Letting out a sigh of frustration once again, you looked up at the sky, letting the same moonlight bathe your face as it did for Sukuna a few minutes ago.

“What a drag”

                                              ꕥ

‘What the hell did I get myself into you?’

While sipping on the straw of your orange juice carton, you were currently leaning against a railing in the city of Toyko within the Harajuku district in front of a train station, where you were supposed to meet with the new student that had enrolled in the school.

Between you were both Itadori, who was eating an ice lolly while sitting on the same railing, and Fushiguro, who was just standing while facing towards you both, as they were waiting for the same person as well as a special someone who was supposed to be here with the three of you.

“How are there only three first-years? Isn’t that too few?” Itadori curiously asked as he turned to Fushiguro for the answer to his understandable questions, since he was in shock that a year group could be so small for a large school like Tokyo Metropolitan Curse Technical College.

“Well, have you ever met anyone who can see curses before?” Fushiguro questioned, as he was trying to make his new classmate get the answer he was looking for.

“Hm, expect for L/N, who hid it from everyone, nope,” Itadori than answered, leading Fushiguro look at you for a second, only to discover you still continuing to drink the orange juice that you had bought earlier while looking at the entrance of the station in a daze, it was like you were ignoring the two of them.

“That just proves how small a minority jujutsu sorcerers are,” Fushiguro explained before reminding Itadori about a really important piece of information that the vessel seemed to have forgotten. “Remember, that L/N is now Gojo Y/N, since Gojo-sensei changed her name for privacy reasons,” Fushiguro stated, leading to your classmate to look at you with a more surprised look.

“Why are you now referred to as Gojo rather than your last name?” Itadori queried as he leaned forward to get a better look at you. This reminder of your changed name led to your eyes to squint in annoyance as you steadily but furiously began to scrunch your carton since your situation, in your opinion, had gone from bad to worse.

“Ah….I’m not really sure, to be honest,” you answered with a lie, as you moved the plastic straw away from your lips as you then stirred the box around like it was a glass of wine.

‘Ugh….Gojo...’

                                              ꕥ

“Stareeeeeeeeeeee”

Looking down at the document sheet that was handed to you, you were taken by sudden surprise at the name section that was on the top left of the sheet, as there was a subtle change made from what you could recall from your birth name.

“Gojo Y/N…” you muttered under your breath leading to your teacher to clap his hands in delight before presenting you with his classic cheeky smile.

“Ah~ you are now my adoptive daughter~” Gojo cheerfully confessed, leading you to pause for a second before looking back up at the special-grade sorcerer with widened eyes - like a deer caught in headlights - once you processed the information in your head.

“How is everyone going to believe that is true? There is no way, people will believe that if they see the documents were signed yesterday or today,” you argued, trying to convince him that the excuse he gave to hide your identity was ridiculous. However, before you could even get a second word in, you unexpectedly felt a finger being pressed lightly onto your lips as if to tell you to hush yourself.

“Don’t worry, I manipulated the documents to say that I had adopted you five years ago, so your secret is safe with me and the principle, none of the higher-ups knows and none of the other students as well except for Yuji and Megumi,” Gojo informed you with a smirk, as if telling you that you had been proven wrong. Sighing in frustration, you finally gave up with the argument and handed the sheet back to Gojo as you began to fully take in where you were right now.

It was such a quick process. The day your schoolmate Itadori Yuji became the vessel of the King of Curses, was the same day that both Fushiguro and Gojo took you to Jujutsu Tech to attend and become a student at their school. In your mind, you were still supposed to be back home in Sendai. Back home in the empty house that used to be shared with your mother. Back home where you were away from the city life and peacefully in the countryside away from the hustling capital while blending into the crowd as if you were just a normal student with a normal life. 

If you hadn’t come back to school that night. 

If you hadn’t noticed the curse back at the rugby field.

If you hadn’t even looked out that window, to begin with.

All this wouldn’t have happened. 

None of it. 

You still would have been hidden like you were supposed to be.

“Oh! L/N, you’re staying here as well?” 

Snapping out of your daze, you quickly turned back around to find the source of the voice that called out for you, only to discover both Itadori and Fushiguro walking towards you leading you to then slowly close your dorm door before greeting them with a small wave.

“Ah, ah, it’s now Gojo Y/N boys, make sure to not say her last time,” Gojo quickly stated, causing both of the boys to look at their teacher with such bewilderment before turning their head towards you as if you were going to explain to them what was the reasoning behind this sudden change. 

To be honest, there was no point in your opinion. Itadori had no idea or clue on who the three families were in the jujutsu world and it was such effort to explain to him the reasons why these families were so famous and as for Fushiguro, he could probably discover that on his own so, once again, there was no point on giving them an answer.

“Well, it’s all good!” Gojo suddenly stated, as he once again clapped his hands together with a gleeful expression displayed on his face leading you to look to the side with an annoyed glance, as you didn’t need nor want the happy-go-lucky enthusiasm after discovering you were now ‘part’ of the Gojo clan as someone’s adoptive daughter. “Most importantly, we’re heading out tomorrow, we’re gonna go pick up the fourth first-year!” Gojo declared to the three of you causing a total of three pairs of eyes to look at him as you, Itadori and Fushiguro began to process the information.

‘Another one huh?’

                                             ꕥ

“By the way, didn’t you say I was the third and L/N was the fourth?” Itadori questioned, as he suddenly remembered that you and him unexpectedly enrolled in the sorcerer school leading him to wonder how long has it been since the ‘second’ student had been enrolled and why they were only just arriving now.

“Their entry was decided a while ago, you know what our school’s like, everyone has unique circumstances and remember it’s Gojo, not L/N,” Fushiguro answered while trying to remind Itadori of your new name, leading him to place his hand on the back of his neck before informing you and Fushiguro that he was just used to calling you by your original last name.

“It’s fine, just call me Gojo when we are around other people excluding Gojo-sensei, okay?” you reassured Itadori, causing the cheerful boy to nod at you, informing you that he understood your statement.

“Sorry for the wait!” Gojo shouted at you three as he was walking towards you before noticing a change of look between his two new students. “Your uniforms made it in time, I see,” Gojo uttered as he peered at both you and Itadori before giving an approving nod as if he was a fashion designer looking at his models before hitting the runway.

From what Gojo has stated, Itadori was wearing the classic blue uniform with the noticeable two pins sewed onto the left side to indicate that he was a sorcerer at jujutsu tech with a red hoodie that added a hint of colour compared to his counterpart Fushiguro, who had a high neck. On the other hand, you were sporting a short jacket with a white dress shirt underneath while wearing a long skirt that had a slit on the side to give your legs some room, revealing the thigh-high black socks you were wearing to cover some of the skin from the gentle winds that were coming while your katana was resting in a bag as you were carrying it on your left shoulder to conceal your weapon from the other citizens around.

“Yeah, it’s a perfect fit,” Itadori said while showing his teacher the thumbs up before suddenly commenting, “though it’s slightly different from Fushiguro’s, it has a hood for one,” as he started to point the differences between his uniform to his new classmate’s to which caused you and the mentioned sorcerer to look at him while he tugged on his red hoodie.

“That’s because the uniforms can be customised upon request,” Gojo mentioned, leading you to discover and finally understand why your uniform looked completely different to the one another student was wearing, all you remembered about her was that she had greenish hair while wearing a pair of glasses.

‘So, he was the one that put the request in huh?’

“But I never put in any requests,” Itadori commented, as he was confused on why there was an alteration to his uniform without his knowledge.

“I was the one who put on the custom order, as well as my daughter new uniform~” Gojo said with a smile as he playfully decided to pull on your cheek leading you to smack his hand away, resulting in him pouting while rubbing the back on his hand like your smack had caused him some pain.

“Whatever, I guess,” Itadori remarked, as he looked down onto his hoodie.

“Be careful, Gojo-sensei has a tendency to do things like that,” Fushiguro warned both you and itadori before looking back to the mentioned sorcerer with a question in mind. “Most importantly, why are we meeting up in Harajuku?” Fushiguro curiously asked since it was a bit strange to him that a student didn’t just arrive at the school like all three of you did.

“Because it’s what she asked for,” Gojo answered before Itadori randomly noticed a popcorn stand before declaring that he wanted some to enjoy leading you to walk behind him to make sure he didn’t get lost within the city that was crowded with the ongoing shopper as well as tourists that decided to take a break away from their work or lives to experience a new setting.

“Oh hello there, are you on the clock right now?” someone randomly asked, causing you to turn back only to discover what seemed to be a businessman with a green suit paired with a unique purple tie decorated with teal polka dots.

“Sort of but not really,” you uninterestingly answered, giving the man a bored expression leading his nervousness to increase further due to the anxiety of talking to a random stranger in the middle of the streets of Tokyo.

“You see, I’m looking for potential models, this is who I am,” the man explained as he processed to pull out his business card to which you didn’t give a day of time to look down at. “Would you be interested?” the businessman processed to question before you lifted an open palm while giving the man a polite smile.

“Sorry, I’m not really interested in modelling at all but thank you for the opportunity,” you politely declined as you noticed the deflated look the worker had given you. However, before the modelling scout could apologise and thank you for your time, a hand violently grabbed his shoulder before he was pulled back to face the opposite way.

“Hey, you, what about me?” a girl asked, causing you to look behind the small businessman’s figure to see a girl around the same age as you point to herself with the thumb. From what you could observe, she had short orange hair that seemed to be dyed due to the slightly darker colour of her eyebrows but it wasn’t obvious while carrying what seemed to be many shopping bags around her arms while her carrier pink backpack on her back. However, the uniform she was wearing was saying something as the buttons gave an indication of what she was.

‘Ah, so she’s the new student’ you thought before processing to continue looking at the scene right in front of you. 

“For the modelling gig, duh, I’m asking what you think about me,” she commented leading you to give squint your eyes in confusion, what was the point of being a model when you were already a jujutsu sorcerer at Toyko Metropolitan Curse Technical College. 

On the other hand, what you were concerned with was the three males who were standing on the sidelines watching the situation unfold leading you to give them a bored look before walking towards them with your left hand in your skirt pocket since the slit on the other side made it not possible for another pocket to be made.

“We’re about to go talk to her? That is kinda embarrassing,” Itadori commented while lifting up what seemed to be more than popcorn in his hand leading to a confused look to appear on your face, while Fushiguro gave an irritated side glance as he tutted.

“So are you,” Fushiguro mentioned, due to the silly ‘rook’ tourist glasses he was wearing before glancing to the other side where Gojo stood as the teacher called out the female student to come their way, while some female passersby commented on the white-haired sorcerer’s blindfold to which was quite understandable.

                                               ꕥ

Slashing the metal locker door shut, the new student then inserted the needed amount of coins to make sure the door was completely locked before turning to the three males that stood right in front of her.

“Okay, once again,” Gojo mentioned as he raised an arm to indicate to her that she can introduce herself.

“Kugisaki Nobara,” Kugisaki introduced herself before continuing with, “be happy, boys. I’m the one woman in your group,” leading to some confusion to float around within the group.

“Where’s Y/N?” Gojo curiously asked the boys as they continuously turned around the area to find where you were before turning back to look at Kugisaki. Suddenly, behind Kugisaki, the boys had found you heading towards the group while casually sipping on another carton of orange juice that you had bought out of the blue once you saw it while passing by a vending machine when you were walking to the nearest locker station for the student that had arrived.

“Ah, sorry, I got a bit thirsty,” you commented while lifting the carton up before finally standing next to the new student, who you just found out was named Kugisaki Nobara as you were able to still hear what she was saying while you were coming back to them. However, it seemed like you weren’t what she was analysing right now as you noticed her looking right at Itadori and Fushguro with an intense glance.

“I’m Itadori Yuji, I’m from Sendai,” Itadori introduced himself as he used his finger to indicate to himself as well.

“Fushiguro Megumi,” bluntly stated, as he turned to look at Kugisaki.

Letting out a sigh of disappointment, Kugisaki proceeded to complain about the circumstances she was in, leading the boys to look at her with a really awkward expression on their faces.

“She took one look and sighed,” Itadori commented, as his face turned into a sulk while Fushiguro wasn’t making eye contact at all.

“I’m Gojo Y/N, I hope we can get along,” you quickly stated, while trying not to cringe at your name, leading Kugisaki to look to her side to find you looking at her before a hint of glee and joy processed to manifest in her eyes.

“Maybe the circumstances aren’t that bad! But why do you have the same name as your teacher when you don’t even look alike?” Kugisaki mentioned while giving you a small smile to which you gave her the same trying to be friendly with the new classmate that you had just met.

“Ah it’s a drag to explain fully, but I’m his adoptive daughter,” you quickly answered as you didn’t want to slip up the lie that was concealing your whole identity which seemed to convince the sorcerer since she gave you another nod, telling you that she understood what you had just mentioned.

“Are we going somewhere from here?” Fushiguto asked his teacher, as he turned to look towards the direction of the tall man leading to a light laugh to emit from his mouth causing you to get suspicious of what Gojo was planning.

“We do have all four of you together and not to mention, three of you are from the countryside,” Gojo suddenly mentioned, leading all his students to look at him, anticipating what he had planned. “So of course we’re going on a tour of Tokyo,” Gojo suddenly announced, leading to excitement between Itadori and Kugisaki to burst out while Gojo joined in, to hype the moment up.

“Tokyo! Tokyo! Tokyo! We love Tokyo!” Itadori and Kugisaki cheered, leading you and Fushiguro to look at the two with such confusion expressed on your faces.

While you looked at the scene with such confusion, Fushiguro was more confused at the fact of why you weren’t enlivened at the fact about this ‘tour’ while the two started arguing about the structure of Tokyo as they were getting some places confused with other places.

“Why ain’t you excited?” Fushiguro commented as you continued to sip on the citrusy drink that you had brought earlier leading to another question on your obsession with orange juice to pop up in his head.

“I’ve already been to Tokyo for some business trips with my mother from time to time and what I mean by that is exorcising curses here with her,” you answered before continuing with “also, I have a suspicion that we ain’t going on a tour, it is Gojo Saturo after all,” before going back to drinking on the carton drink you were craving for.

“I will now announce our destination,” Gojo stated, leading both Itadori and Kugisaki to kneel down in front of your teacher, only for you to give them a strange look before Gojo proudly announced where everyone was heading off to. 

“Roppongi!”

“Ro-ppong-gi!” Itadori and Kugisaki said with glee as they turned to each other with the same exciting look.

‘Well, let’s see how this goes’

                                               ꕥ

‘I knew it....’

“There's a curse here,” Fushguro stated as you gave a slight nod while inspecting the large abandoned building that was surrounded by a large ominous dark purple hues indicating that there was just more than one curse in the building or maybe just a single one - you couldn’t sense it due to the amount of cursed energy being released out of the building.

“You liar!” Itadori and Kugisaki screamed in anger while complaining at the fact that they both were deceived on where they were heading off to before Kugisaki shouted something about ‘toying with us country folk’.

“There’s a big cemetery nearby, the double whammy of that and an abandoned building brought out a curse,” Gojo informed everyone like staring up at the building as well.

“So they really do pop up more often around graves?” Itadori questioned after his little tantrum, leading you to realise that he had no knowledge on how curses appeared or anything to do with the jujutsu world to start with.

“The issue isn’t the cemetery itself, it’s the fact that people associate cemeteries with fear,” you explained to the noobie while swirling the now empty carton in hand.

“Oh, it was the same for schools, too, wasn’t it?” Itadori then asked as he turned to look at you for any answers causing Kugisaki to pause her ranting to look at Itadori with a perplexed look on her face.

“Hold up. He didn’t even know that yet?” Kugisaki questioned, leading you to give off an awkward laugh while looking to the side away from the group which only led to more confusion to emit from her.

“To be honest….” Fushiguro started before explaining the situation that had brought Itadori to where he was now causing Kugisaki to give an extremely disgusted look on her face - and to be honest, you couldn’t blame her at all.

“He swallowed a special-grade cursed object!?! Gross! Unbelievable! That’s so unsanitary and disgusting! No way, no way, no way, no way!” Kugisaki yelled out before running away from the three of you as you looked at her with nonchalant faces.

“What?!” Itadori shouted in confusion.

“I agree with her,” Fushiguro mentioned in a blunt tone, leading you to completely ignore your classmates as you continuously looked up at the building in front of you.

“I want to know what all of you are capable of, just think of this as a field test,” Gojo informed everyone with a smile on his face before calling out Itadori and Kugisaki to tell them they were going to exorcise the curse inside the building themselves leaving you confused since you were also a new student here as well.

“Huh? But I thought only curses could exorcise curses, right? I can’t use any jujutsu yet,” Itadori asked before indicating his lack of ability to the teacher.

“You’re basically half a curse already, there cursed energy flowing throughout your body,” Gojo stated as he pointed at the vessel before continuing to explain “though controlling that energy isn’t something you can learn overnight, so use this,” before taking out what seemed to be a cursed weapon in front of you and the rest.

“It’s the cursed tool, Slaughter Demon. It’s a weapon imbued with cursed energy, it’ll work on curses, too,” Gojo explained while Itadori gazed at the weapon in amazement.

“Like Gojo’s sword? And why isn’t she taking part in this test?” Itadori then asked as he pointed at the bag behind your back leading to Kugisaki to look at it in shock since she thought it was just a normal carrier bag that you just had.

“Yeah, kind of like that and to be honest, this test isn’t good enough to test her abilities, she wouldn’t need to take the katana out and probably use it with the wooden hilt on,” Gojo explained as he turned to you with a cheeky smile of his face.

Suddenly, Kugisaki turned her back towards all of you before fastening a brown belt around her waist which had a small pouch to keep whatever she needed in there, leading Itadori to follow behind her.

“Oh, one more thing,” Gojo suddenly shouted, causing Itadori to turn as Gojo then stated, “don’t let Sukuna out, if you use him, you’ll get rid of all the curses nearby in a flash, but you’ll also drag everyone around into it.”

“Got it. I won’t let Sukuna out,” Itadori assumed his teacher before Kugisaki turned back around to complain to her classmate to hurry up while you quickly took a seat on the stone platform that was right behind you before setting your bag down onto the side making it lean against the same stone you took a seat on while Fushiguro and Goj followed behind.

“I think I’ll go, too,” Fushiguro mentioned, causing you to give him a side glance as you wondered if he was worried or just not hopeful that the two will actually exorcise the curse.

“Don’t push yourself, you’re still recovering,” Gojo reminded his student before saying “if I needed to put someone in for backup, it would be Y/N since she seems to be in a better condition than you.”

“But someone needs to keep an eye on Itadori, right?” Fushiguro questioned in a concerned tone.

“True,” Gojo answered in a dazed tone, indicating to you that he wasn’t worried one bit.

From your perspective, you understood why Fushiguro was worried about your new classmate since he didn’t have the ability to take on a curse from his lack of experience but from what you could recall from that night, it seemed like you didn’t have to worry at all.

“That Yuji..he’s missing a few up here,” Gojo randomly stated, as he pointed his head to indicate his brain. “He has no hesitation, when it comes to killing these things, take that the form of living creatures, albeit bizarre-looking ones, to try to kill him,” Gojo explained to his long-term student while you were just resting the back of your head on the wall before your teacher continued with “and it’s not like he’s been familiar with curses for a long time, like you. This is a boy who used to live a normal high school life, you’ve seen plenty of jujutsu sorcerers, even though with talent, give up in frustration because they couldn’t conquer their fear or disgust, haven’t you?” leading to Fushiguro to look down to his hands as he thought about the statement while you looked up to the sky to question your own thoughts.

‘Is that one of the reasons why the L/N clan decided to disappear? Nah, they were able to seal Sukuna, there is no way that could be the reason’

“So today I want to confirm how crazy she is,” Gojo mentioned, somewhat giving you a slight idea on what he was trying to inform you both.

“But Kugisaki has the experience, right? Little late for that now, isn’t it?” Fushguro asked as he was still unsure about what Gojo was trying to tell him.

“Curses are born from human minds, so their strength and numbers grow in proportion to the population, curses in Tokyo are on a different level than those in the countryside,” Gojo said in a low tone to which Fushiguro understood but still had some uncertainty lingering in his head.

“What he is trying to say that ‘level’ doesn’t mean the amount of cursed energy one curse may have but their cunningness, what he is testing is how one reacts to cruel choices that are forcibly handed to them like the weight on a human life in danger balancing upon your shoulder,” you casually explained, leading Fushiguro to look at you while Gojo had a bright smile on his face, glad that you understood what he was talking about.

However, before you continue with your explanation, there was a loud crash being heard from above with pieces of broken glass falling to the ground leading to the three of you down below to look up, only to find the curse causing the purple hue trying to escape.

“I’ll exorcise it,” Fushiguro quickly said, as he clasped his hands together ready to summon a shikigami. However, he felt a tug on his arm leading him to look down to find you tugging onto the sleeve of his uniform.

“Hold on, have some confidence in your peers,” you muttered, before letting go of the fabric as you processed to lean your head back onto the wall while closing your eyes. “I don’t know how long you have been alone but understand you have teammates now, so rely on them as well, okay?” you stated as you slowly opened your eyes to peer up at the curse, only to suddenly see large metal strikes come out of its body before disintegrating into nothing, while the purple aura that was surrounding the abandoned building disappeared with it.

“Nice, she’s crazy, all right,” Gojo mentioned with a gleeful smile on his face, happy with the results that had just come in from this field test.

                                          ꕥ

“I live over there! Thanks again!” the kid mentioned as he pointed towards the direction of his house before running off.

From what you could recall, at the end of the field test, Itadori and Kugisaki came out of the building with a child before explaining that he was in the building during the test and he was caught in the middle of it all. 

Observing the boy running to his house, you wanted to make sure he got home safely from a distance to which he did once you saw him enter through the gates to what seemed to be his house before being greeted by an obviously worried mother, who scolded him for wondering about before being pulled into a hug.

‘I wonder what’s it like to have a normal childhood?’ you wondered before small but vivid memories began to appear in the back of your mind.

“I’m jealous,” you whispered, before turning around to find both Fushiguro and Gojo already walking back to Itadori and Kugisaki, who both were sitting on the stone steps impatiently waiting for the three of you to finish the task that needed to be done.

‘In the end, I’m alone with the responsibilities of the L/N clan upon my shoulders but I have you, dear. Even with this world being full of curses and impurities, I feel like I have a normal ordinary life with you by my side. I wish I could have given that to you, I’m sorry….’

“It’s okay,” you whispered again, this time leading Gojo to turn back to you with a confused look on his face which caused Fushiguro to look back as well, finding it strange that you haven’t left your stop since the kid was already back at his home, safe and out of harm’s reach for now.

“Did you say something Y/N?” Gojo asked, only for you to shake your head to deny that you had before making your way back to the group.

“Good Joseph! We made sure the kid got home,” Gojo shouted while giving a small wave towards the two students, who suddenly jumped up on their feet which confused you slightly since they had such a determined look on their faces.

“Now shall we go grab some food?” Gojo kindly questioned leading the same two students to now express two huge grins while shouting out their preferred meal for tonight.

“Beef!”

“Sushi!”

“Leave it all to me!” Gojo excitedly stated with two thumbs up before turning to his two other students, who were waiting on the sidelines. “And you guys?” Gojo asked with the same huge grin that Itadori and Kugisaki were expressing.

“I don’t really mind,” you answered in a casual tone before turning to look at FUshiguro, who was suddenly randomly scrolling through his phone with a bored but somewhat irritated expression on his face, causing you to wonder what he was reading or finding that made him have a scowl on his face.

Taking you by the arm, Gojo started walking off with you, Itadori and Kugisaki leaving Fushiguro behind, who had just realised that you all were walking away once he heard his teacher say ‘okay, let’s go’.

“Oh, I forgot about my biggest haul of the day. Hey, you, go fetch my things,” Kugisaki said in a demanding tone, as she decided to be the leader of the group since she was walking in front of everyone.

“Huh? Why should I do it? I thought we were even,” Itadori complained, as he didn’t want to get the items that were left in the coin locker back at Harajuku.

“We won thanks to my cursed energy. Got a problem with that?” Kugisaki countered back, as she confidently continued walking in front of all of you like she would know where the restaurant Gojo was taking you all was.

“What about my raw strength?” Itadori argued, leading you to wonder what he did during the time he was the at the abandoned building with Kugisaki to mention about his immense but strange strength.

“Your monstrous power from eating weird shit?” Kugisaki shouted as she was implicating the cursed finger that Itadori swallowed as a reason for Itadori’s strength.

“It’s not just that! Right, Fushiguro, Gojo?” Itadori asked as he turned to you and Fushguro, only to find the male student with a frown on his face as he looked to the side.

“Huh? What’s the matter, Fushiguro?” Itadori questioned, as he wasn’t sure on why Fushiguro seemed to be moodier than he originally was.

“Nothing,” Fushiguro bluntly answered, not making his answer very convincing for you, Itadori, Kugisaki and Gojo leading your teacher to think it was the best time to tease his shikigami-user student.

“He’s pouting because he didn’t get to join in,” Gojo mentioned with a sly smile, which caused Kugisaki to lean back with her hand on her lips to cover her laugh.

“What a child,” Kugisaki teased, causing Fushiguro to groan in frustration before giving the female sorcerer with an irritated glare which led to Itadori laughing at the facial expression, leaving you to stay silent as you watched the scene in front of you.

‘But I’ll make sure you have the most normal life as you possibly can, so make sure you’re not alone in this world like I am Y/N, I want you to be happy even when we’re both stuck with this burden!’

“Yeah mother, I’m trying,” you whispered before continuing to walk with everyone to wherever you all were heading off to without realising the events that will occur in the future.

© violettelueur 2021 : written and published by violettelueur - do not steal or repost

#jujutsu kaisen #jjk #jujutsu kaisen imagines #jujutsu kaisen imagine #jjk imagines #jjk imagine #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jjk x reader #itadori yuji #yuji itadori #fushiguro megumi #megumi fushiguro #kugisaki nobara #nobara kugisaki #gojo satoru #satoru gojo #itadori yuji x reader #yuji itadori x reader #fushiguro megumi x reader #megumi fushiguro x reader #kugisaki nobara x reader #nobara kugisaki x reader #gojo satoru x reader #satoru gojo x reader #itadori yuji imagines #itadori yuji imagine #fushiguro megumi imagines #fushiguro megumi imagine #kugisaki nobara imagines #kugisaki nobara imagine

[adamworu]

The Subtle Horror of Evangelion

What keeps us all hooked to Eva time and time again? You get through your initial, confused watch of either Evangelion endgame, probably sometime in your adolescence wondering what the hell it is you just watched. The original source material is suffused with unsettling imagery, and sometimes too-close-for-comfort shorts. It’s so much to process that one watch is never enough. The imagery isn’t enough, however, because the mid-to-late-90s series comes with things you’ll pick up the more you focus on certain characters’ struggles or the interesting world-building. They arise little by little with every re-watch, adding onto what interested you in Eva to begin with.

There’s always that little voice asking you “What it is that really draws me here?”

Oh. The horrors.

The tragedy of it all.  

These things never leave you the second you bear witness to them, whether you become aware of them or not. You’re disturbed over it, a tad worried, no doubt, but you’re strangely hooked.

Horror works better on limitation, it’s why found footage capturing pale, ghastly, monstrosities of the deep wood will always stand as exponentially terrifying. While most all of us have taken cracks at Eva’s budget at some point, that’s what really drives these terrors home. Its low budget nature made it work.

Evangelion has commentary which forces a viewer to reflect. Most no one enjoys that. It’s the fear, however, that has its audience come back. Evangelion’s reflection alone isn’t what gives Eva it’s charm decades after its run. It’s the little things, most everyone misses, the anxieties, the terrors, all of it. Most of those things, fly over a lot of fans’ heads.

Buckle up, there’s a lot to go through…. (warning for mentions of abuse, body horror, means of suicide, nudity, blood, and gore)

Table of Contents

I. Icebergs for Dummies

Tier 1: The Tip of the Iceberg

II. The Hedgehog’s Dilemma

III. The AT-Field as a Universal Metaphor

IV. Kensuke Aida + War Idealism

V. Shinji is the Audience Surrogate

VI. Abuse in Evangelion

Tier 2: Just Below the Tip

VII. The Infamous Elevator Scene

VIII. Naoko + Casper

IX. The Other End of Existential Horror

Tier 3: The Body of The Iceberg

X. War Horrors of ‘Ambivalence’

XI. Unit-01 Berserk Scene

XII. Dummy Plugs + CNS

XIII. Kaworu + Adam’s True Power

Tier 4: Pre-Abyss

XIV. The “Nihilist” Lens

XV. The True Nature of Sync Rates

XVI. Unit 01+ MPE Gorging Scenes

XVII. Ancient Ruins of Arka

Tier 5: The Abyss

XVIII. Split Second Misato Death

XIX. Humans Are The Villains in Eva

XX. The Ultimate Paradox

XXI. Conclusion

I. Icebergs for Dummies

For those unaware, the iceberg image illustrates that things are much deeper than they appear, just like an actual iceberg. You’ve probably seen this selfsame iceberg--- separated by tiers--- a few times looking through late night internet rabbit holes (Putting it out in the open: I’m personally guilty of this!), fictional or non. It helps you understand why you’re so enticed to certain material, that you’d revisit them. The highest parts of the iceberg are the things in the material most everyone knows, the surface level stuff. The lower you go, however, the lesser known the parts of the material are. These are the things the person are aware of.

Eva has some iceberg illustrations if you look around, albeit they don’t go through the more saddening, sometimes graphic factors of Eva, only theories navigating through Eva’s universe. Evangelion is so deceptively packed with blink-and-you’ll-miss-it subtleties that if an iceberg were centered on that, the diagram would be packed. And I’m being generous as I write this.

A few ground rules, before we begin: The iceberg will deal with the more obscure and dark material as the tiers get higher rather than it only being relegated to obscure bits. The lower the tier, the higher the iceberg and the more subtler the anxieties which graduate into horrors the deeper you go.

Yes, Evangelion is occasionally horrifying. No, Evangelion is not lovecraftian. I think people use the term lovecraftian way too freely. It’s not enough to see something with (sometimes too many) limbs twisted in ungodly angles. Or legs where legs shouldn’t be. The same applies for creatures assuming forms we don’t entirely comprehend. Eva has never delved into the angels being incomprehensibly terrifying specifically because they come from a cosmic expanse.

Some of these actual horrors, big and small,  hit you after adolescence, something that makes you feel deeply for the characters’ dilemmas. It’s a feeling that grows and sometimes aches, rather than fades over time for many of us.

Tier 1: The Tip of the Iceberg

II. Hedgehog’s Dilemma

III. The AT Field as a Universal Metaphor

IV. Kensuke Aida + War Idealism

V. Shinji As the Audience Surrogate

VI. Abuse in Evangelion

II. Hedgehog’s Dilemma

Evangelion has its hand in so many psychological and philosophical cookie jars, from Freud, to Maslow, Johari, as well as Dostoevsky. The very tip of the Subtle Horrors of Evangelion Iceberg is something viewers are introduced to in the fourth episode of the series. It is one of the many psychological concepts dotted throughout the original show. Out of all those psychological concepts, this is the most explicit and most recurring.

The Hedgehog’s Dilemma describes the conundrum of two hedgehogs. The closer two hedgehogs become to one another, the more they harm each other with their spines. If you want to properly live, you need the closeness and intimacy of others. By allowing yourself to be close, however, you end up at great risk of being hurt. It’s the very reason what drives those who live to become guarded. Being perpetually apprehensive or building up walls isn’t a remedy for pains, however. The Hedgehog’s Dilemma isn’t just about why people become guarded after relationships ended on bad notes. It’s about the overall inevitability of pain.

Life is a continual push-pull of relationships, because we’re all creatures of comfort. We guard ourselves to varying degrees and sometimes even tell ourselves we won’t get close again, but personal comfort is one of our most ultimate drives.

The Hedgehog’s Dilemma not only describes that harm happens to us anyway, but illustrates that because comfort is universal we seek companionship regardless.

III. The AT-Field as a Universal Metaphor

The AT-Field is the most crucial rabbit hole in understanding the largest meta-narrative of Evangelion.

If Hedgehog’s Dilemma explains the what and the why people become more or less guarded, then AT-Fields explain the how. People build up walls around themselves all the time. You walk away from someone because they crack a smile at you... and it seems off.

Because you feel an anxious pang.

That’s an AT Field.

AT-Fields, or Absolute Terror Fields bear a few metaphors, one of which being boundaries. You see it as Shinji’s fear of becoming intimate, knowing the future implications or Asuka’s masculine protest (putting up a front). We can see an excellent example of the AT Field used by Asuka, her “Wall of Jericho” in episode 9.

You also see it manifested through the angels, the strange creatures in Eva who supposedly desire to merge with Adam, their mother. Seeing this in the angels makes you realize that the AT Field is actually a metaphor for boundaries which implicates us all. In episode 22, Arael, 15th angel, seeks to understand Asuka. The angel uses its AT-Field (a beam of light) no, its boundary, to breach Asuka’s boundaries. 

AT-Fields can be used to not only build up personal walls but to breach them as well. The irony of Arael’s action is that Arael’s AT-Field being erected while it floats just over Earth’s gravitational field makes it immensely similar to the Second Child; they’re both guarded.

The AT-Field is a funny sort of thing because it also sometimes explains how two people who are so alike can be guarded from one another. Sometimes you gain contempt for someone because they’re too much like your least favorable traits. You see this with Shinji and Asuka, both children without their mother desiring validation. Shinji calls Asuka a child midway into episode 9 and Asuka isn’t shy on voicing ideas of Shinji as dense or immature. They’re throwing stones in glass houses.

AT Fields are used to get the user out of dangers both physical and perceived. Sachiel, 3rd angel in the original series’ pilot episode, uses its AT-Field, in the form of flotation, to get itself from enemy fire. It never shows this until it is attacked first.

AT Fields are also responsible for one’s identity and physicality in Eva. Without the AT Field you don’t really exist. When Rei assumes the form of the person the character being cast into Instrumentality loved most in End of Evangelion, she’s causing the character to give up their AT Field. With that gone, they lose their physicality, turning into LCL (given the lovely term ‘tanged’ by fans). The ‘tanged’ individual suffers metaphorical death. Evangelion argues that in order for one to exist, others must perceive you and you must perceive you, a point best illustrated in episode 16. Since everyone is converted to LCL, no one really ‘exists.’ Rei describes this unnerving state as the inability of differentiating who you are and others, since everyone lacks a physical state without AT-Fields. Metaphorical death can be argued as worse than physical, since we all exist to make an impression of some sort. It’s what ties all the Eva cast together and the cause of their dilemmas. Validation. You can be living, yet very much forgotten or simply unknown.

There is living and there is “living.”

You can’t “die” unless someone knows you. You were never there. AT Fields are the thing that make us live, but as a drawback, prevents us from understanding each other fully. Kaworu states in episode 24 that AT Fields are the wall of the mind and the heart of the soul, an unapproachable piece of sanctuary. When all else is taken from us, all we have left is our place of respite.

I’d also like to pitch the saddening reality that the AT-Fields are what prevent us from understanding angels as a whole, our genetic siblings as scared of this world as we are. The psychological angels want to understand us, that much is true. The angels, however, use forms of communication at the expense of our boundaries. Because people greatly value boundaries it makes it hard for us to comprehend angels. The creatures are hardly malicious when you realize they wonder why we all do things that actually hurt us, as well as the fact that they do understand our minds. But, because they breach our boundaries, we become even more wary of the (mostly) unknown. Angels may be us, but the strange forms they take are something we aren’t familiar with. The feeling is mutual with angels, wondering why there are many of us, our forms and outward appearances so identical. It’s a truth as old as time that we all fear the unknown.

The anxiety of an AT Field means comprehending that there’s very little chance to 100% get others. Because we’re all wary in some degree, because we’re set in an idea or perception of someone, even if the someone in the past no longer applies. It’s not healthy for you to continue dwelling on relationships not meant to be, keeping yourself up at night asking why, because both of you have closed off each other for good. There’s always that chance the other can come back and if they do seek to understand despite past hardships, that’s good. If they don’t, all you can do is move on and accept it.

IV. Kensuke Aida + War Idealism

Kensuke is one of Shinji’s classmates, a supporting player in the series. He’s close with Toji Suzuhara, a boy who takes his anger on Shinji, after finding out that his sister has been injured during Shinji’s fight with 3rd angel Sachiel. As Suzuhara beats him down, Kensuke downplays the incident. Kensuke’s and Toji’s relationship is particularly interesting because the latter is affected to some degree by war (the war by humanity to prevent our destruction by angels). Kensuke glorifies the sentient, implicitly eldritch, multi-armored war-machines.

Kensuke can be best described as the ‘wow, cool robots’ drawing you’ve probably seen floating around. This is in relation to Gundam’s war commentary, but replace Gundam with Eva. Kensuke is enamored with the Evangelions and totally, willfully ignorant to the war horrors. Adolescents are forced to be the salvation of humanity, feeling every bit of damage to their own bodies whenever the Evangelion takes any hurt. Even after the war for humanity is long over, the pilots will be afflicted with traumas that will always hang over them.

Kensuke’s glorification is also what draws him to be Shinji’s friend. He uses Shinji’s status as a way of becoming a pilot himself by meeting up with Misato, putting himself at the cockpit of a strange creature magnificent machine.

When Toji becomes hospitalized after his battle in a hijacked Unit-03 vs. A Dummy System-controlled Unit-01, Kensuke expresses discontent at not being a pilot. He’s annoyed because “everyone” but him is a pilot.

Thing is, Kensuke isn’t heartless, just ignorant. Idealism is one of the uglier things that runs thick in the heart of Evangelion. His is one of many cases of unhealthy idealism in Eva, another example of making it difficult for those living to understand one another.

V. Shinji as the Audience Surrogate

Shinji as the audience surrogate isn’t always touched up on, but is sort of understood subconsciously by a lot of the viewers. Shinji’s character is specific, yet so generalized that him being a surrogate for the audience just… works. Don’t believe me? Shinji gets two psychological exploration-based episodes whereas Asuka and Rei each have one. Episodes 16 and 24 are both psychological angel episodes, albeit the latter is more in-series subversive. The 24th episode doesn’t involve a breach of subconscious boundary, but the pilot (Shinji) is in the hot-seat, being made aware of their issues. Leliel, 12th angel, contacts Shinji in the former of these. Both characters talk to one another, shown as a series of horizontal lines and vertical lines, sometimes intersecting. These lines are a strong reference to the Johari Window, a tool in psychology which helps someone become more aware of themselves. The Window’s quadrants are as follows

1. the part known to the self

2. the part known to others

3. the part known to the self and others

4. the part known to no one

Leliel also states that the self only exists of one perceives themselves as well as others. The angel also states that Shinji could better his reality, to which Shinji absolves himself of responsibility by arguing the horrible state of his reality. It’s a subtle pushing to Shinji and by extension the viewer into free will. Kaworu builds up on these concepts with Eva’s in-universe concept for boundaries. Free Will versus Determinism is brought up here, with the idea that AT-Fields are brought up because the living (again, not people – emotional complexities aren’t only human) will them into existence. By exercising free will, it means enduring pain, one of Shinji’s, and again the audience’s greatest fears. Any relationship has pains and conflicts. This is all a buildup of free will, determinism, self-awareness, and the Hedgehog’s Dilemma. Understanding all of these means swallowing the “pain is inevitable” pill. The problem with much of us is that we like the idea of relationships rather than being in one. We want to feel validated but without the conflict, even if the conflict can be solved. We’re all Shinji because we’re all aware to life’s hellish catch-22s, so we run. There’s times in our lives where we run as far as possible from these woes, these truths, but there’s pain in running too. It’s why escapism seems like such a viable action for some of us.

Pain is inevitable, but pain can be mitigated.

More damning evidence to Shinji being a viewer stand-in lies in either endgame of Evangelion (pun intended). In EoE, after the Komm Susser Tod sequence of everyone on Earth being tanged, we’re treated to a shot of EoE’s live audience.

We hear Shinji’s voice about his reality while he talks to Rei toward EoE’s end. There are shots of the city, of people going about their daily lives cementing that this is about us. End of Evangelion shows us a less favorable side of Shinji, a departure from the lauded end series “Congratulations” scene, in which he does understand free will rather than perpetually dwell on negatives. Shinji reacts unfavorably toward Asuka in EoE after his mother’s speech to the audience that ‘anywhere can be paradise’ and Shinji stating he doesn’t know where his happiness resides. Shinji (We) still has a ways to go if he wants to be a better person.

It’s probably why many of us are either inclined to champion Shinji or harangue him, and either reaction is fair. Many of us are aware of audience surrogates, but never to this extent. Shinji isn’t his best person, but he can be. Being his best means self-reflection. Droves of people who first were exposed to Evangelion were teens, and again many of Shinji’s woes are specific yet so generalized, hence our feelings of defense and possibly disgust.

No one likes scathing, yet accurate call-outs on their person, but they’re paramount for us to understand ourselves and others.

VI. Abuse in Evangelion

One of the worst things recurring in all of original Evangelion is a bevvy of abuses.

Abuse comes in many shapes and forms and it’s many characters’ realities. Abuse happens not because the universe ‘wills it’ (determinism aka, ‘that’s just how people are’). Abuse, be it conscious emotional absence, actual neglect, among other ungodly acts fly though the cast.

Abuse is cyclical and a lot of those doing it often get away with murder because they have power.

Much of Eva is comprised of children being forced to sort through adults’ emotional baggage. Those children become adults and the cycle continues.

We all know a Gendo. Or even perhaps a Misato. Hell, even a Ritsuko.

Anno states that Gendo’s character is of a societal meta-text, which explains many viewers’ ire in relation to the character.  He’s responsible for many of the seedy goings-on in Evangelion be it the financial (see: Jet Alone’s orchestrated out-of-control nature to give NERV more funding) or abuses (see: Rei, Shinji, Ritsuko, and, Naoko). It’s for this reason why Gendo’s actions are a sore spot for a lot of fans.

Anno: I’m not sure that it’s a real father [that Gendo represents]. Well, not a father in the sense of a parent with a blood relation to his child, but more, I think, [in the sense of being] a representative of society or the system. That’s why he has that expression.

Takekuma: So, he’s kind of amorphous.

Anno: The angels are the same. I made them appear amorphous in that way because, for me, society is unclear, the enemy is unclear.

Takekuma: Gendo is [a representation of] the boundries or the pressure of society itself.

Anno: That might be it. Perhaps Gendo is [a representation of] society itself.

http://wiki.evageeks.org/Statements_by_Evangelion_Staff

After many re-watches of certain Eva episodes, it just hit me, as I’m writing this why I’m sometimes apprehensive on an adult-exclusive lens of the show. This happens a lot in adolescence and our struggles are made trivial because of the mishandled baggage. As children, you’re meant to be subservient to parental whims. You have this sort of obligation to solve their problems. Give them closure. It doesn’t even need to be parental baggage, but just from adults in general. You see the way the adults act not just with the children but with each other. You see the way Gendo justifies neglecting Shinji, objectifying Naoko and Ritsuko or Naoko’s emotional absences as a mother to her daughter (also manifested through the MAGI). It’s these immature excuses as to why they can’t extend empathy to those around them.

It’s always excuses.

Eva’s original series has always been a show about children.

Tier 2: Just Below the Tip

VII. The Infamous Elevator Scene

VIII. Naoko + Casper

IX. The Other End of Existential Horror

VII. The Infamous Elevator Scene

The Elevator Scene is a sequence that sometimes gets glossed over due to Evangelion’s fleeting budget.  It took me years to realize the true gravity of the awkward silence of both the 22nd episode and its Director’s Cut version. The Director’s Cut version has Asuka abruptly jerking in the silence,  but that blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment speaks volumes. Understanding the scene means understanding why Asuka quietly stews in her anger. Understanding why Asuka stews means understanding Asuka from her debut to her emotional breakdown.

Asuka’s appearance in the 8th episode, Asuka Strikes!, is marked by a bold persona that carries on until the end. She isn’t shy on imparting her prowess to Shinji, stating that Units 00 as well as 01 were the prototype and the test type, respectively. Her Evangelion, Unit-02 is the finished product. She even states that she graduated from university. Despite these impressive feats so early in adolescence, the only time in which they’re noted is when Asuka talks of them. Misato takes in both Shinji and Asuka, but only ever “dotes” on Shinji. Gendo pays attention to Shinji because he pilots Unit-01, and 01 contains the soul of his late wife. Rei is the clone of Gendo’s late wife, hence Gendo’s attention and overall creepy, selfish obsession with her. Asuka and Shinji’s relationship, with Misato as their caretaker strongly mimics a Golden Child and the Second Fiddle. The only difference is, Shinji gains more attention due to Gendo’s and Misato’s respective baggage. Again, Eva is a series where children are forced to handle the baggage (with no break in the cycle) and when the child doesn’t have anything the adult particularly can clue in on, they become neglected.

That’s Asuka’s dilemma.

It’s why Asuka forces herself to grow up.

It’s why Asuka is driven to be competitive to Shinji and Rei, later growing contemptible at both.

Asuka suffers a few curses, one of which being the youngest, the inevitability of being consciously sidelined dawns on her, leading to her selfsame breakdown toward series’ end. She aligns youth with trivialization, so naturally, she’d front with the opposite. She never gets help in relation to her period. Misato and Ritsuko realize something is up with Asuka but they never really offer her the support.

There’s also the flashback to her trauma in episode 22’s beginning. She’s replaced by her mother post-Contact Experiment (which led to a deterioration of her mental health) via a doll that looks like her, red hair in pigtails. It’s the leading factor to her feigned boldness, her ego. The way in which she is marginalized in the series brings it all back.

Rei breaks the silence with a few words of compassion and all Asuka can do is express disbelief. She mistakes compassion for contempt.

For pity.

The idea that anyone would extend kindness, especially now of all times, is unbelievable.

Asuka also experiences a dilemma here, a dilemma those like her face. She already knows what it means to be vulnerable and deeply hurt, but she needs to make herself vulnerable because now, more than ever, she needs the support. Being vulnerable will cause past traumas to flood back in full force, but by stewing she deprives herself of any support. Rei offers that support, but a few words of support in a wave of trivialization can’t help but feel a bit too strange.

Asuka’s greatest anxiety is realized in the twenty second episode. It’s of being and staying second fiddle, that she’s always been set up to fail. Even 2 episodes after the fact,  in which she actually starves herself does she realize once more how she’s permanently ‘below’ others.

Asuka’s curse finds itself in real life, and it’s for that reason why I believe some find themselves resonating with her. Asuka’s gradual descent into bitterness is something I find myself waking up some nights thinking about after 7 years going through Eva; hers is a cautionary tale on being emotionally distant to cries of a damaged youth. Casually imparted knowledge of past achievements, and the competitive attitude mixed with embitterment, some of which from a genuine place but also a product of neglect. We were forced to play second fiddle, we forced ourselves to grow up to feel more legitimate, forced to carry an ire that stews because it seems no one listens.

VIII. Naoko+Casper

The late Naoko Akagi is a woman of multitudes. Those multitudes are compartmentalized into the 3 MAGI. They are Balthasar, Melchior, and Casper.

Casper shows itself to be the most prominent aspect of Naoko’s personality, her as a woman. Ritsuko states that, after the defeat of Iruel, 11th angel, that Casper is the part of her mother which remained that way to the end.

Balthasar and Melchior have been bested, be it by rival MAGI, or Iruel’s assault. This calls back to the fact that Naoko’s other facets aren’t anywhere near as prominent. Naoko has cited her own emotional negligence, of only showing emotions should it ever benefit her.

Casper on 3 occasions fights tooth and nail, Iruel’s assault, an attack by multiple MAGI in End of Evangelion or the defiance of Ritsuko activating the self-destruct sequence. Ritsuko does this to seek vengeance against Gendo for coming to the immense realization that he never genuinely cared for her. Gendo has always used Ritsuko for her body. This would destroy NERV, meaning killing herself and Gendo.

Then you realize why Casper overrides the sequence.

Casper’s stubborn behavior wasn’t actually to defend NERV but to protect Gendo. Casper’s defiance aka Naoko’s emotional absence toward her daughter allowed Gendo to kill a bewildered, rightfully angered Ritsuko.

The saddest part of Casper’s, no, Naoko’s choice is that Naoko got away with murder. Evangelion is a story about children dealing with the selfishness of adults and the adults never receiving justice for their wrongdoings. The relationship between Ritsuko and Naoko is an excellent example that this doesn’t just implicate the young pilots. Ritsuko dies in End of Evangelion with the truth that her mother, as a woman, in the end chose the man who manipulated both of them.

IX. The Other End of Existential Horror

Some spend their whole lives trying to make a mark. Others can’t help but be known.

People get smart sometimes to get themselves out of a current situation. Kaworu and Rei’s existences are such that they’re deadlocked from living. Their existences are the product of an experiment, to be later heavily watched and raised as the Last Messenger. The latter is the result of Gendo’s obsession with his late wife.

Kaworu and Rei’s existential crises are opposite from the rest of the cast; while others do their damndest to become known, they cannot be unknown. Rei’s character centering more around her identity than other characters is also initially and sneakily alluded in the opening.

The Johari Window is a tool encouraging self-awareness in the person, alluded to twice in the show, with the second time being in the sixteenth episode. Both usages of that illustration, for Rei, and Shinji drive home crucial aspects of the meta-text.

This would also tie Rei to Shinji in End of Evangelion forcing Shinji to reflect on his own awareness and will. Rei is an astute, young girl whose arc is about her personal relationship with identity, something she is all too familiar with due to her objectified nature. Rei’s arc is even more so entrenched in identity than other characters that she is one of the characters imparting personal and universal realities.

Ayanami Rei’s existence from start to finish is inundated with the issues of others, causing her to internalize being always expendable. In Rei’s Poem in episode 14, it becomes clear that she sees herself based on usage. She likens herself to a field of flowers, which slyly alludes to the Dummy System’s “parts” 9 episodes later, other Reis.

  Rei is seen as malleable vessel which houses thoughts rather than her own person and she can’t do anything about it. So she resigns to her reality. Even if she does tell off Gendo in End of Evangelion for his objectifying, she’s not even out of the woods. She never will be.

I used to think Rei’s “slap” to the face to the man with the (most) baggage was empowering. Then I learned about abuse during adolescence, how kids who lack a support system act while away from their abusers. Even saying an emphatic “fuck you” to your abusers isn’t enough to be a happy ending. Rei is a girl who lacks a support system and she suffers from it. Start to finish.

Kaworu’s crises are much trickier to pinpoint because there’s so little to work with. He doesn’t get an episode dealing with personal, subconscious explorations. Getting his character means first getting how Evangelion re-contextualizes what “Ode to Joy” symbolizes. It also means understanding the AT-Field and most people won’t pick that up on an initial foray. Or maybe even a second. Most people don’t pick up that the AT Field implicates anything living and physical or its metaphor for boundaries and identity. There’s the common misconception that Evangelion is a “human” show.

Kaworu marks off his appearance humming “Ode to Joy” while Shinji wonders who to turn to. It’s a song generally known for its jovial nature, but most importantly, Ode to Joy is:

known also as the “Choral” Symphony. Its finale is a musical setting of Friedrich von Schiller ’s “Ode to Joy,” a hymn to the unity and freedom of humanity.

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/ninth-symphony

The Choral Symphony assumes a more horrific context later on. Kaworu is the last messenger and what his action is would lead to the mass annihilation to lilin/human or angels. ‘Unity of man’ is changed in Eva’s context – it marks either unity of man or the death of man. It doesn’t matter who Kaworu allows unity to, because his hands would be stained with death anyway. Then you realize why Kaworu deploys his most powerful AT Field during his descent to Heaven’s Door.

This is his reality.

Kaworu’s status as the Angel of Free Will isn’t about him being the only complex angel, as a lot of people think. It’s about being the sole individual handing that freedom to others.

You realize his terrifying dilemma goes to the tune of being feared for his own existence as an angel (which he notes to Shinji) and not being able to properly live.

Sometimes you ”hurt” people by existing.

Sometimes people hate you for the simple act of existing.

Kaworu’s and Rei’s terror is the other end of existential horror, that you can’t help but forced to be known. Sometimes you have knowledge but aren’t allowed to do much with it.

Tier 3: The Body of The Iceberg

X. War Horrors of ‘Ambivalence’

XI. Unit-01 Berserk Scene

XII. Dummy Plugs + CNS

XIII. Kaworu + Adam’s True Power

X. War Horrors of ‘Ambivalence’

Episode 18 is where anxieties graduate into horrors both implied and visceral. Unease hangs over the episode, with the mystery of Unit-04’s disappearance and tests being done on Unit-03. Misato tells Shinji that because tests would be done, there’d be a pilot there. Misato uneasily withholds this info from Shinji and Kensuke breaks the silence with his recurring desire of being a pilot, still ignorant of the war horrors. There’s a subtlety that Shinji picks up on with Toji but not enough to put two and two together: that the big-eater himself isn’t feeling so hot.

The continual chirp of cicadas and birds nor the peel of the school bell are enough to break the unease of the viewer or of Toji. Toji goes from indirectly being affected by war vs angels to being chosen, drafted even, a child at the first line of defense for the apocalypse. We get a flashback of him beating down Shinji, before it cuts back to present day Toji. He will be in Shinji’s shoes.

Toji balls a fist, a recurring theme in Eva, to the tune of “What is your hand for?” Toji is finally  about to take things into his own hands.

Asuka takes a few cracks at Shinji to Hikari that he hasn’t quite gotten the memo, but when Shinji asks her even she’s halted in words.

Then the day comes.

Tests are being done and suddenly Unit-03 goes  rogue with Toji in her (note the Evangelions have the souls of the pilots’ mothers, save for Rei). Unit-03’s’s strange behavior is revealed to be the work of the 13th angel, Bardiel. Shinji’s ignorance is made worse by Misato’s absence (with Misato telling Ritsuko she’d tell Shinji the pilot’s info after the tests). Units 00 through 02 are sent out for the new threat and Shinji sees this new threat. Anxiety rises.

The song “Marking Time Waiting for Death” accentuates the anxiety. Unit-03’s silhouette eerily contrasts with the sun, her body slightly hunched and approaching slowly.

Fear washes over Shinji when he deduces that with an Evangelion inside, there must be a pilot.

Yet he still doesn’t know.

The other pilots are aware, and show reluctance to the revelation. A hijacked Unit-03 sets herself on Asuka, Rei, and even strangling Shinji. Shinji allows the angel-hijacked-being to strangle him, because killing another human being is simply horrific.

 Eva has its hand in the war morals cookie jar here because Shinji stands at a conundrum, to other let this creature take his life or to murder flesh and blood. This dilemma goes double-time in war. Gendo asks why Shinji hasn’t dealt with the 13th yet, with a somewhat horrified Shinji pleading  about the pilot. Gendo commands for the unfinished Dummy System to override Shinji’s controls and then suddenly...silence….

The Dummy Controlled Unit-01 springs back and we’re treated to a close-up of Unit-03/Bardi3l being strangled. 

A nauseating crunch sounds and the unit goes limp. A controlled Unit-01 proceeds to raise hell on the incapacitated enemy, resulting in the unit’s blood and guts flowing through the streets. NERV’s personnel can’t do anything save for become fearful at the Dummy System’s capabilities. Terrible, visceral noises sound one by one as blows strike, as the unit’s severed limbs and blood splatters riddle the urban battlefield. Shinji hears every second, every squelch and splat.

Imagine the pain of 03’s pilot.

But the terrors don’t cease here. 

01 doesn’t stop at just raising hell on the incapacitated 03, and we’re treated to another close-up shot of 01 tightly holding onto 03’s entry plug, before crushing it.

Somewhere away, Misato receives news that Unit-03 has been dispatched as an angel. Shinji feels the weight of having actually killed someone, before Misato actually breaks the news that the pilot is not only alive but that the greatly injured pilot is his classmate.

It never really hit me until now how this scene holds another horrifying subtlety. Compare this to episode 3, where Toji’s first interaction with Shinji involved him punching him, the very scene playing at this episode’s beginning. The 18th episode ends now with ,Toji and Shinji are both joined in the same camp, of children emotionally and physically marred by war, not able to fully control their situations.

XI. Unit-01 Berserk Sequence

Shinji stands in a situation where he can no longer take the terrors aligned with the Evangelion. He’s gone from sustaining injuries great and small from combat with the eldritch angels, to indirectly harming a friend through it. He resigns from his position as a pilot, understandably running away even with the approach of the 14th angel.

After a talk with Kaji about how he can control his future and he only, Shinji once again puts himself at the forefront of further pains. He must once more thrust himself to the terrors that align with the war-machines whilst struggling with other traumas.

During his fight against Zeruel, his Evangelion dies out and it all floods back to him. Shinji once again finds himself at a position of no power, frantically pressing at his controls to no avail.

He can only hear blow after blow of the 14th’s onslaught. He and Unit-01 are at their most vulnerable.

Until Unit-01 springs back.

W hat follows is the famous Berserk sequence, a scene whose terror can be thanks to Evangelion’s low budget.

We see the Evangelion in all her terror and the sort of off-ness that carries in this scene.

Episode 19 has no problems on treating us to front-row tickets to terror.

Unit-01 snatches part of Zeruel’s appendage and adds it to her mass. A sickening squelch sounds and her new appendage contorts into place in an instant. 

She moves over to her incapacitated, angelic meal and doesn’t hesitate to chow down. The shots feel too personal yet nowhere near in the sense of the show’s meta-textual reflections. It’s almost like stumbling on a cryptid and when she shoots a look at the viewer, it feels as if she’s looking at us, like we’ve interrupted her dinner. Or perhaps she did finish the meal... and she’s in the mood for seconds? Perhaps even thirds?

The bizarre and eldritch nature of the Evangelions goes full force with this imagery. Episodes 2 and 16 laid the foundation of how off the Evangelion Unit-01 was with how she openly mutilates her targets. Or even the unsettling roar of Unit-01 that’s not entirely bestial. The sound is straddles a line between the blood-curdling bestial and the human. But here? Eva Unit-01’s position, from her hunched figure, to her more feral position as she feasts, feels far too organic...and far too human.

The Evas themselves aren’t human, but the souls housed within are. Eva’s souls are souls of the respective pilots’ mothers, an example of the mother and child symbolism omnipresent in Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Shinji’s mother is Yui and as we go through the series, we realize the s2 engine appliance was intentional. An s2 engine offers infinite stores of energy and this is needed for Instrumentality. With the s2 engine within her grasp and the fact that Evas don’t subsist on anything, this would make the consumption of 14th completely recreational.

It’s super tempting to frame this scene as containing some abomination that now stands unchained and indiscriminate in its targets, but it isn’t. It’s sort of understandable because Units 00 and 02 don’t come close to exhibiting this sort of behavior nor were they in this circumstance. Neither Unit-00 nor 02  have any desires in regard to Instrumentality. In the end, we should look to Yui and her own endgame, because Yui’s running the show here.

XII. Dummy Plugs + CNS

Ritsuko states the Dummy Plugs are machines which imitate pilot’s thinking. There’s a bit more than the possibility of this being 100% AI due to the apparatus Rei is in.

This very likely implies the respective person’s thought processes added with AI programmed in a way which best “describes” the pilot (basically how they are perceived). In episode 17, Rei is situated in this apparatus strongly resembling the central nervous system, the brain and the spinal cord.

{The central nervous system CNS is responsible for integrating sensory information and responding accordingly. It consists of two main components:

1. The spinal cord serves as a conduit for signals between the brain and the rest of the body. It also controls simple musculoskeletal reflexes without input from the brain.

2. The brain is responsible for integrating most sensory information and coordinating body function, both consciously and unconsciously. Complex functions such as thinking and feeling as well as regulation of homeostasis are attributable to different parts of the brain.

https://mcb.berkeley.edu/courses/mcb135e/central.html

Ritsuko imparts the unsettling revelation about Rei and by extension the Dummy Plant itself (after Misato coerced her into learning about Rei). The Reis are the core of the Dummy Plugs (and the System used to brutalize a hijacked Unit-03 and its trapped pilot). This scene adds more to the extent of Rei’s objectification, of her being replaced. It adds on to Rei III’s comment of being ‘the third.’

Rei isn’t savage by any means but the sheer brutality of Dummy System’d Unit-01 5 episodes prior may hint at her straightforward nature.

I’d like to pitch that Ritsuko’s approach to Rei’s Dummy Data was also the product of her subtle animosity toward Rei. When she refers to the Dummy Plug as a machine which mimics human thinking, she’s talking about Rei. She also refers to her similarly in episode 23 by referring to Rei as spare parts, as if Rei herself is some soulless machine whose parts can be switched out if need be. This could also call back to Rei’s poem, in which she calls herself a vessel which holds human thoughts.

Another question remains: how does Kaworu play into this?

The MPEs (the Mass Production Evangelion series) use Kaworu’s Dummy data, meaning that there are cloned Kaworus stored off somewhere, perhaps floating with soulless smiles the same as Rei has.

Treated as spare parts.

This also implies that Kaworu is more or less reduced to an object.

What’s more disturbing is the nature of the MPEs gratuitous method of ravaging and mutilating Unit-02 and by extension Asuka.

Kaworu hasn’t ever demonstrated any degree of malice, so this can’t really insinuate a ‘Kaworu is secretly evil’ narrative. But this can tie back to a recurring theme of humans fearing and despising angels. It’s because of this that the revelation of our genetically identical nature or the fact that they can comprehend our psychology is framed in-show as kind of shocking. It is because we’re so disturbed at the angels’ existence (or anything else we don’t comprehend) that we view them as inherently savage in nature. Kaworu’s quick-to-perceive personality most likely translated itself along with the AI. This would also rule in the somewhat strategic way in which the MPEs act against Asuka, exploiting her attack patterns through surprise attacks.

Some of Kaworu’s as well as Rei’s Dummy Data are the product of universal (Kaworu) and personal (Rei) contempt by people. Let that sink in.

XIII. Kaworu’s + Adam’s True Power

The bottom of the fridge horror portion of this iceberg is something that has subtly plagued me for years. We’ve only ever caught glimpses of Kaworu’s abilities in his debut episode. I picked up on it little by little with each re-watch of the episode, with every other time his abilities dawning on me. If I wasn’t focusing on how his character fits in the greater framework of Evangelion, I was cluing in on his abilities.

One of his abilities is being able to block out light, magnetism, and subatomic particles. Some of the forces which make up the universe. This witnessed by the viewer when he realizes the whole of humanity’s welfare hangs by a thread, due to the coexistence of angels and Adam.

Adam.

Adam’s soul lies within Kaworu. Adam. Who utilized an Anti-AT Field which caused Second Impact. An Anti-AT Field, which killed off much of the Katsuragi Crew in Antarctica.

This makes Kaworu the most powerful angel in the original Evangelion series.

Eva has shown that ownership of an angel’s soul (or partially, if you’re onboard the Rei I is in Unit-00 theory) allows the person to inherit the angel’s abilities through Rei. Rei blocks off Kaworu’s immensely powerful field with one of her own, canceling out both as a result. As we know, AT Fields for people are a figurative affair. People lack the physiology to exhibit a physical AT Field because they don’t have cores like angels do. Angels’ souls when possessed by humans have a sort of ability to circumvent parts of human physiology (if you’re looking for the whole package, you should eat angel’s flesh too). Rei also shows the ability to float, implied in episode 24 and shown explicitly in End of Evangelion.

But this raises a few questions about the last messenger is the ability to block out some of the forces of the universe Adam’s powers or Kaworu’s? Another ability that continues to plague me the more I think about it is Kaworu’s AT-Field usage on Heaven’s Door to bypass its lock.

We haven’t actually seen Adam’s other powers (if the angel has any) because the it’s anti-AT Field was halted via Lance of Longinus. Other than its ethereal appearance in flashbacks, we only see an incapacitated Adam in embryonic form. That’s it. We don’t know if Adam exhibits any other powers due to this impediment. If Adam does have more powers, this would add onto both the fridge horror factor of Adam and Kaworu.

Tier 4: Pre-Abyss

XIV. The “Nihilist” Lens

XV. The True Nature of Sync Rates

XVI. Unit 01+ MPE Gorging Scenes

XVII. Ancient Ruins of Arka

XIV. The “Nihilist” Lens

There’s something that implicates the whole cast. Something that goes beyond the meaning of the AT-Field, and the all-too-known Hedgehog’s Dilemma.

Eva is filled to the very brim with psychological concepts, but there’s one thing which ties this all together. It goes much larger than the desire to become validated or cycles of abuse and unresolved issues to a newer generation.

Free Will Vs. Determinism ties the entire cast together and is disturbing in its own right. It not only ties the cast together but also contributes to Eva’s meta-narrative.

Episode 16’s sequence with Leliel, Shinji, and the Johari Window gives little breadcrumbs to this psychological dilemma.  Leliel teaches Shinji about his own identity as well as slowly ushering him to a sense of self-awareness. Leliel also attempts to usher Shinji out of filtering reality with only convenient parts. Shinji argues that he can’t really be held culpable for his actions, because the one and only reality is that reality is awful, bar none. Not his reality, but reality as a whole. This deterministic stance becomes ever more blatant 8 episodes later with the appearance of Nagisa Kaworu.

Kaworu’s designation is the angel of free will. The irony of this stands in the fact that Kaworu isn’t the only angel who can exhibit free will (with some of the angels before him taking the time to try comprehending people). Kaworu’s status comes from his identity as the last messenger, bringing about freedom for one species (humans/lilin or angels) at the expense of the other. Kaworu knows his reality well and in the end, seeks to better the reality of those around him. Eva doesn’t romanticize the prospect of free will, however, because Kaworu is so aware of his own person and how he can hurt those around him that it greatly bothers him.

The metatext doesn’t just position Shinji as being in the wrong, but also the audience. Remember the point I made before about Shinji being the audience substitute? It’s further hammered home from the series’ tail end and into End of Evangelion.

“That’s just the way things are.” is a common response to things in life we feel resigned on changing, because we don’t know how to change them. This quote is a parallel to Shinji’s “humans aren’t made to float!” in episode 16.

Shinji does know how to change much of his reality, but by doing so he’d be pushed into free will. Free Will is the solution and it means holding yourself accountable rather than believe that it’s everyone else with the problem. With the idea that you can change your reality, it offers you the opportunity to love yourself.

If you love yourself, then it becomes much easier to love others.

Eva’s free will and determinism metatext hammers home the extension of empathy.

Shinji/the viewer’s greatest problem is that because we don’t love ourselves it makes it difficult to extend the love to everyone else. Shinji’s love translates as idealism. Because of his unhealthy idealism, he is hindered from understanding people.

By ascribing your beliefs from determinism to free will, it opens your mind to an entire world of possibilities, but therein lies the terror. It is because of these possibilities that Shinji and by extension, the viewer, likely fears free will. Shinji finds ways make himself validated, but with free will, the argument could be made that it doesn’t matter. There’s the anxiety-crippling likelihood that none of it actually matters, because your existence doesn’t matter. If we’re going on this bent, acts of making an adequate impression on others are acts of personal denial. In the end, these are what they are, possibilities.

The greatest terror of it all is that we don’t know.

User power-chords makes an excellent point about the inherent darkness of an internal locus of control.

User power-chords posits the idea of existential absurdity for Shinji not as a certainty but a possibility. There’s always a likelihood that our desires to comprehend the world around us, to find ultimate understanding are in vain.

Cheesy as it sounds, people fear ambiguity because we seek a satisfying end. We don’t just seek answers. We want outside closure and inner peace, but we won’t always get it. It’s why we rationalize relationships that end on bad notes. Sometimes you worry about your falling-outs...and it hurts. You never got the answers your wanted so this pain carries, for months, sometimes even for years. Dwelling on the issue serves no purpose other than to keep that hurt with you. The best thing to do sometimes is to find your own closure, your own meaning.

No, Evangelion isn’t actually pro-nihilism, but it presents us with that likelihood. That’s what makes this aspect of the narrative so terrifying: The consideration that we find meaning in the meaningless.

XV. The True Nature of Sync Rates

The nature of injuries and having them in adds onto the innate horror --be it war or otherwise-- and themes of the Evangelion. The severity of the injury is based on how high the pilot’s sync ratio is. An average rate while sustaining damage will bring hurt to the actual pilot in the respective spot. Some examples:

Sachiel makes multiple headblows to Unit-01 and Shinji in episode 2, causing head trauma.

Ramiel’s, (5th angel), particle beam attack in episode 6, an attack so severe that Shinji needed medical care.

Unit-00 and Rei being infected by a Bardiel hijacked Unit-03 in episode 18. Toji’s condition in episode 18 stands as a large example of the innately disturbing nature of sustained injuries.

Toji’s condition becomes all the more nauseating when you see Evangelion parts and blood flow through Tokyo-3.

Toji could feel every last second of strangulation, body blow, and feel the unspeakable pain of his arm being severed.  Let that sink in.

Asuka receives the worst of these considering the nature of her sync rate being high. The higher the rate the more kept the damage is. The circumstances behind Asuka getting the worst of it goes back to the AT-Field. Asuka understood the meaning of the AT-Field, that the more you open yourself up to others, the more hurt you become. The realization dawns on Asuka as her mother from within the Evangelion shields her from the onslaught of JSSDF troops.

It’s then that Asuka finally comprehends what the Absolute Terror Field is. Despite her emotional needs being neglected, realizing she’s set up to fail, and going comatose she still goes on.

Asuka, despite everything, takes a chance and opens her heart knowing the double-edged nature of the AT Field. What happens next?

Asuka took a chance.

She opened her heart...

...and she got hurt all because she opened herself.

XVI. Unit 01+MPE Gorging Sequences

The brutality of both Unit-01 and the Mass Production Evas holds three layers: of visual horror, implied horror, and thematic horror. Unit-01, after taking Zeruel’s s2 engine into herself, proceeds to then brutalize the 14th angel by way of still gorging on it. The feeding was entirely recreational considering Evangelions don’t subsist on food to function. This was more about the sheer act of brutality for brutality’ sake.

The Mass Production Evas also fall under this category, the way in which they deal with Asuka after incapacitating her with a replicated Lance of Longinus is also sadistic and gratuitous. They also proceed to gorge on Asuka, her fate made worse through the simple fact that her sync rate is heightened.

The MPEs don’t even swiftly finish her off.  She is in a state of tremendous and unimaginable pain. They fly above her slowly, circling above her mangled Eva.

They are almost mocking her as she can do nothing, save for writhe. Asuka’s seething, repeated “I’ll kill you...I’ll kill you….” is then silenced by the MPEs spearing her down.

The brutality doesn’t end there, as we see much darker implications of the damage sustained toward the end of the first half of End of Evangelion.

Shinji bears witness to the implications after seeing the decimated remains of Unit-02 being carried off by some of the Mass Production Units. The sickening reality of it all dawns on him and he is once more exposed to the woes of war and the nightmarish aspect tied of the Evangelions.

XVII. Ancient Ruins of Arqa

We’re ending the pre-abyssal end of the iceberg with Evangelion’s original proposal.

Eva’s proposal, a far cry to the show today, had a more sci-fi angle to it. Psychological concepts weren’t exactly pitched nor was it self-aware. The angels weren’t even referred to as the angels, but as the Apostolos. Instead of the 18 we were presented with in the original show and the movies, there were 28 Apostolos.

The Apostolos designs stand as testament to how far of a departure the proposal was to the final cut. They look far more menacing than the more amorphous, much softer defined, beady-eyed angels we’re used to. To top it all off, the Apostolos were the de facto villains of Evangelion’s prototype pitch. The Apostolos in the Proposal, toward the end, proceed their onslaught as a group rather than the series’ one by one. Toward the series’ end, the 12 strongest Apostolos begin their assault on North America, annihilating the continent in its entirety.

Only 12 of the creatures laid waste to a singular continent.

Episode 24: "Now, the Promised Time"

Rei breaks down. Her secrets are revealed. At last awakened, the twelve strongest Apostolos descend from the Moon. Both Eva Unit-06 and the American continent vanish completely. Humans acknowledge their helplessness in the face of the Apostolos' crushing power. The promised time, when people will return to nothing, approaches. A human drama in the depths of despair.

Episode 25: "Arqa, the Promised Land"

The laboratory holds the ancient ruins of Arqa, which have become key. In order to stop the twelve Apostolos, the United Nations' head members annul the Human Instrumentality Project and resolve to destroy the Apostolos. Shinji's father objects. Shinji and the others stay at the laboratory for Rei. A drama of people conflicting over incongruous objectives.

https://wiki.evageeks.org/Resources:Neon_Genesis_Evangelion_Proposal_(Translation)

The aforesaid creatures were so powerful in the original pitch that Human Instrumentality and the ancient ruins of Arqa would be the way of stopping the onslaught.

Tier 5: The Abyss

XVIII. Split Second Misato Death

XIX. Humans Are The Villains in Eva

XX. The Ultimate Paradox

XVIII. Split Second Misato Death

As the last and most explicit aspect of original Evangelion, it would only make sense that EoE specific content would take its place in Tier 5. End of Evangelion is a 90 + minute tour de force with disturbing imagery back-to-back. Split Second Misato Death refers to one of the most unsettling images sprinkled all throughout the movie. Here are a few of the many examples of EoE’s building up on Evangelion’s ugliest parts.

Everyone cites the infamous hospital scene not even 5 minutes into the film as the first proof, but user power-chords has pointed out, Shinji has actually attempted suicide (refer to the ‘Free Will v. Determinism’ part of the iceberg.)

After Misato is mortally wounded and sends Shinji off in an elevator not long after, the JSSDF blow up that part of NERV. A few people have pointed out the most disturbing facet of this scene: through freeze-framing that you can actually see Misato’s body during.

The JSSDF scene partway through End of Evangelion in which NERV personnel are summarily annihilated.

For those missing the small detail of Shinji’s attempted suicide ,Shinji’s depressed state is made more clear when the JSSDF locate him. When they do they attempt to kill him execution style. Shinji doesn’t move.

“I don’t want to die…!” during the JSSDF’s assault, Asuka is awoken from comatose state. She is protected by her mother via an AT-Field by Unit-02. She gains back her self-preservation after this realization, and multitude of images play. One of them is an extremely gruesome close-up of Asuka’s face. (extreme body horror warning, proceed with caution)

The Komm Susser Tod scene beginning with Shinji strangling Asuka in harsh coloring, Naoko’s same action toward Rei plays right after. A few disturbing child drawings follow after, predominantly featuring death. (seizure warning, body horror warning)

End of Evangelion’s flooring nature comes from the fact that it builds up on the subtly horrific and makes these terrors explicit. Whatever existed beyond closed doors becomes now available for us to see,

XVIII. Humans Are The Villains in Eva

At the penultimate point of the abyss lies a horror as old as much of time. Of the humane being more disgusting than the monsters.

That we can be monstrous.

This fact becomes known with the appearance of the JSSDF as dispatched by SEELE, methodically mowing down NERV personnel with little to no weaponry of their own. We’re treated to NERV’s personnel in their hallways, some forced with the moral dilemma of leaving their own to die while surviving or helping their own while both end up being gunned down. 

It becomes apparent that SEELE has been gradually, intentionally chipping away at NERV’s Defense Budget, getting rid of the (little) competition they have after the defeat of the Last Messenger.

There’s a degree of contempt and casual sadism that comes with how they kill the personnel. In one instance, a NERV worker surrenders to the JSSDF, before being killed off in execution style in the distance (one headshot plus two extra shots for good measure).

When you look back at it, this sort of sheer, unabashed brutality wasn’t felt about the angels. Human attitude about the angels is largely fearing, anxious. This attitude accentuated itself through a sometimes nervous soundscape. Of observing these weird, ghastly creatures as they creep and swim. And the feeling’s mutual. The problem is that we don’t know.

But here? We do know.

When the JSSDF move in, the anxiety of angels graduates to the full-force dread of creatures that have killed before. The greatest enemy to humanity has always been with them all along, forcing them to a catch-22. The dread falls on Maya because she understands this perfectly. NERV has only ever shot at targets rather than living flesh…

...and SEELE knows this.

SEELE’s slow, but sure suppression of NERV’s budget is kicking a man while he’s down, but the man in question is a child instead. The JSSDF have more than enough firepower, calling it overkill goes beyond an understatement.

The JSSDF demonstrate the lack of remorse further with the discovery of Third Child, Shinji Ikari. One of the members presses the barrel to Shinji’s head before Misato steps in and kills the members.

The JSSDF isn’t the only damning evidence of how ugly members of humanity can be, however.

Humanity’s on-occasion grossness shows itself in small ways throughout the series, in dislike and conscious emotional distance for individuals, or beliefs of the angels being unintelligent and/or savage. Other times it manifests fiscally, in orchestrating more ethical approaches to stopping certain destruction to go seemingly haywire in order for NERV to receive more funding. This all due to a rival company of NERV challenging the very idea for its usage of child soldiers.

The worst of this damning fact is that many of the morally repugnant members exist on a higher echelon of society. There are Gendos running around, doing as they so please and they’re the tip of their echelon iceberg.

XIX. The Ultimate Paradox of Evangelion

“Anywhere can be paradise as long as you have the will to live.”

We’re treated to these words as Shinji finds himself on shores surrounded by an isolate hellscape, with Asuka next to him. The strange and altogether horrific nature of End of Evangelion has gotten fans  believing on End of Evangelion’s endgame was in certain, nihilistic. But Eva dipping its hand in the likelihood of meaning in the existentially meaningless isn’t even the ultimate terror of Eva’s self-aware universe, nor is it the tendency for man to become contemptible towards itself.

Evangelion greatest terror is the paradoxical nature of free will.

Yui’s words to her son as she drifts off into the ever-expanding cosmos, her status as a deity realized, is that paradise is universal. EoE assumes this unconventionally positive approach to a whole series worth of characters’ woes. The issue is: finding paradise is ultimately conditional.

Free Will’s paradoxical nature is what gives credence to the ongoing Free Will vs. Determinism dilemma. People can use their free will to take away yours entirely and this is most evident with Rei. Her existence is the result of a man’s unhealthy attachment to his wife, her lack of self-preservation the result of being conditioned as a multi-purpose vessel; her desire to merge with Lilith to become an omnipresent mother-figure was not hers. The nature of disallowing free will exists on a spectrum, as people can use their free will not to take away the whole of others’ freedoms, but to disallow them proper emotional growth. The adults around Asuka weren’t around for her during the series, leading to her eventual downfall.

Unit-01, throughout much of the second part of EoE holds the power to give or deny people’s physicality due to her status of having both Fruits of Life (the s2 engine held by angels) and Wisdom (from the Lance of Longinus merged with the Eva earlier on). This gives Unit-01 her deity status and while within Lilith-Rei, Shinji realizes that not everyone would be there in his life, that he can’t be in the center of others’ lives. It’s for that reason why he denies people’s physicality (“They can all just die.”), which turns people into LCL.

Shinji gives allows people the ability to come back from Instrumentality after realization arises that without other people, there’s no way to tell if Shinji, himself exists or not. Kaworu and Rei also give him the reality that with people back, pain will become an inevitability once more. With all the souls gathered by Lilith-Rei, they are released after her death.

With the souls of those cast into Instrumentality dispersed, those turned into LCL now hold the ability to come back from Instrumentality if they so choose.

While the idea of anywhere being paradise rings true, it’s not entirely satisfying to say that EoE is unconventional in its uplifting message to the viewer. Evangelion is at its core a cautionary tale. It warns the viewer into extensions of empathy and openness that others would properly live. This goes double for those with power. Without that compassion, we’ll have Asukas, Misatos, Ristukos, as well as Reis, those in the world whose downfalls come from emotional absences, neglect, objectification, and forced baggage. We would have Shinjis, those wanting to be at the nexus of others’ importance because they were deprived while young.

Kindness is a powerful thing and the lack of compassion present in all of Eva implicates most everyone. It leads to yet more abusive cycles, with the only thing breaking that cycle being a hand for those in need.

XX. Conclusion

What more can be said over this juggernaut which is a host to a bevvy of darkness? Evangelion is testament that anxieties and horror don’t need to start out as blatantly shocking or visceral to make an impact years down the line. They also don’t need to be out in the open to initially hook you either. You pick up on a few anxieties as well as horrors and you realize deep down, there must be more, which drives many of us to engage in this often times unabashedly dark source material.

Some of us are doing it later in the throes of adolescences, others are doing so well into their 20s, possibly dipping into their 30s. Point is, it draws in a lot of us and for a lot of us, it doesn’t ever let go.

Some of its charm could be chalked to the visceral ways in which characters interact. Even after years of re-watches, I’m still learning new things about the child soldiers, and I’m quite sure there’s others finding small details. There’s also the possibility of Eva’s approach to terror. I think Evangelion “humanized” its horror. It didn’t make horror a universally human feeling, but made it so that the true big bads looking to cause apocalypse weren’t actually the eldritch. Many of the angels are more or less lost kids looking for their mother (I still think Ramiel’s “singing” in episode 5 was it calling for its mother!).

With those newer details after 20+ years, there will be more added to the iceberg. Hell, there should be more added to the iceberg. This iceberg is the tip of an even greater iceberg. I’m still learning about their adults and their desires as well, how cyclical their actions are. For others, the draw-in factor lies in its low budget. Personally, it’s all of these for me: the low budget helped cement these darker aspects of the series due to horror and the genre’s overall relationship with limitation. It works best on limitation and had Eva worked with a much higher budget, I don’t think the content would be as effective, or perhaps it’d be much more difficult to make it so.

Evangelion is such a well-done, deceptively compact series that each lens a fan assumes has its own interesting rabbit hole. Your circumstance shapes the experience, and this too involves how you navigate the series’ menagerie of terrors.

I’d also like to thank the reader for getting through the largest rabbit hole in Evangelion. I’d also like to thank you for getting through the whole of this meta from a fan who slowly began to resonate with the characters as the years went on!

#neon genesis evangelion #shinji #kaworu #asuka #rei #seizure warning #body horror warning #suicide mention #correct me if im wrong #credit goes to twitter user decoratedboar for the iceberg picture help #and fixes

[achillieus]

let you down. (sebastian stan x reader)

summary: it's a universal truth but it's worth repeating; feelings eat us raw. or just an actor and a girl falling in and out of love over the course of three months.

(this was inspired by sebastian's visit to greece for his movie, monday, and is based on that, so that means in the story we’re in 2018. also i have this posted on ao3 too but while i’m writing the last parts i thought of posting it here too)

pairing: sebastian stan x reader

warnings: alcohol, sexual references, implied depression, sebastian desperately needs to hug the reader, it's kinda slowburn because i love the yearning

(pinterest inspired board)

part: 1/6

(other parts)  (masterlist)

The day it happened, it wasn't a significant meeting at all, you barely even talked. In fact, when he opened the door of your neighbor’s flat that day with a beer in his right hand and his hair messy, he didn't have any effect on you. You always knew that living next to a director meant that sooner or later you’d bump into the pretty faces of well-known people. Sure, you didn’t expect them to be Hollywood actors like him, but to say you were starstruck by the man, would be the overstatement of the year.

The building you’ve lived in for the last three years has five floors; you live in the 4th, he lives in the 5th. He’s a quiet person, usually spending his evenings out of his apartment. You’ve talked sometimes, about the weather and the weird lady that lives in the 1st floor. You’ve never told him you find his directing style a little pretentious.

You’ve never been to his place until that annoyingly warm August evening, when you find a white button up shirt on your balcony. You can clearly see more clothing when you look up and you’re certain the item you’re holding belongs to him.

He’s not there though. Instead you find a different face behind the door. Lighter eyes and darker hair. The man in front of you is definitely younger than the director. You don’t bother to notice what he’s wearing.

“Can I help you?” His voice is deeper than you expected. Stronger, with a touch of European accent. The sound of English surprises you at first but soon you realize he must be another foreign coworker that came to visit your neighbor

“No, I just think Argyris dropped this and it ended up on my floor.”

He looks at you and then at the shirt, in your hands.

Then he says “Sure, I’ll take it.”

“Okay.”

Then it ends. He doesn’t even ask your name. You don’t have to ask his. You figure out, as soon as you walk down the stairs, that it’s Sebastian Stan that you just talked to.

And while being a big fan of marvel movies, you think nothing special of him at first. You just wonder how a mostly unknown director from Greece got an actor like Sebastian to come here so they can work together. It makes no sense to you, but you forget it when your phone starts ringing.

/

It would’ve been easier if you never saw him again, yet you do. You see him trying to understand what the old lady from the first floor is trying to tell him. You already know. The elevator is not working. The next day you see him walking up the stairs.

You exchange a quick hello, how are you and then off you both go.

The same night Argyris invites you to have a drink with them in the terrace. Part of you wants to just stay in bed and binge watch some Sherlock episodes. Part of you already thinks of what to wear.

There are around ten people there when you show up. They’re all sitting down in huge pillows drinking and talking loudly. You don’t know most of them.

You sit next to a blonde girl, across from Sebastian. This time you notice he’s wearing a plain black shirt and holds a glass of whiskey.

You don’t share any direct conversations but you learn that he’s afraid of growing old and that he thinks Taxi Driver is one fucking masterpiece, as he says.

When you mention that you’re probably the least artistic person in the room right now, you hear him laugh.

A curly haired woman starts dancing with him at some point. You decide he’s not a good dancer.

He leaves the same time you do, following you down the stairs.

“I thought you live here.” You say when he doesn’t stop at the floor you expect him to.

“Ah no, I stay at a hotel near the centre.”

He keeps talking about his suite until you reach your door.

You part in a blur, with a short goodbye.

He still doesn’t ask for your name.

It makes you feel genuinely offended.

/

Two days after, he is the farthest thing from your mind, until you find him sitting in front of your door, his eyes roaming the place with despair. And then he sees you.

“Ah finally you are here.” He starts casually. “Thank god.”

You just nod.

“Argyris told me to wait for him with you. We had a meeting but he got stuck in traffic.”

You give him a look.

“He said you’re always at home so you won’t mind.”

Ouch. Yeah sure, your social life wasn’t something to brag about but for some reason the way Sebastian said it, it sounded like an insult.

“Okay, come in.” You shrug, clearly not feeling comfortable and turn around to unlock the door.

You hear him call your name. You thought he didn’t know.

“Yes?”

He offers you an easy smile.  “Thank you.”

/

Sitting in your couch he’s eyeing the entire room, while you put some groceries in the fridge.

“Argyris says you’re a great girl.” He clears his throat. “But he thinks you’re too quiet for your own good.”

You look at him, your eyes flicking up and down his face.

“And from what I can tell, he’s right.”  You hear him laugh.

It felt weird to see him laugh while he was leaning back at your cozy pillow. He had entered your life so suddenly you didn’t even have time to react to it.

“I’m sorry but I barely know you.” Your words are sharp. He sits up.

“Okay then let’s get to know each other, what’s your favorite Disney princess?”

Defeated, you laugh. “Are you kidding me?”

“No, this is an important question.”

You wait for him to crack up but then you remember he’s an actor.

“I don’t know.” You think for a second. “Mulan?”

“Oh my god. Mulan is amazing.” You smile at him. “My favorite is Jasmine, she’s just so badass.”

You share your favorites that day, having almost nothing in common rather than your everlast love for animated movies and buttered popcorn.

When it’s time for him to leave, he stops and looks at you in the eye.

“You should talk more often.”

You stare at him with confusion. “I talk,” you raise your eyebrows. “When I have something to say.”

“Good.” he says, still looking.

/

Later in the evening, you’re eating some yoghurt when he comes knocking on your door.

He’s different. The white tank top he was wearing this morning is replaced with a dark shirt and his face looks tired. You assume they’ve been working since he went upstairs.

“Hiii”, he says dragging the i, “Am I interrupting anything?”

You desperately want to nod. You want to tell him that you were doing the most exciting thing in the world, before he came but you were never a good liar.

So you just tilt your head and take a step back.

That’s when he enters and is met with some loud rock music blaring from your laptop.

“You like AC/DC?” he asks, almost wide-eyed.

“Well, I can tell it’s them when I hear their stuff.”  For the first time that day, he seems to be in loss of words. “Why are you so surprised?”

He sits in the same spot in the couch as earlier and laughs.

“I just didn’t take you for the kind of girl who likes this music.” It’s your turn to laugh.

“Why?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know. Quiet girl who loves animated films and eats kids’ yoghurt” he looks at the carton in your kitchen table, “and also likes metal music? Doesn’t add up.”

“We’ve basically just met; you shouldn’t make assumptions about me.”

“Fair enough.” He sits back, fidgeting with his fingers.

You take some time just looking at him

There was a certain vibe about that man that made you wonder how it’d feel to cruise down a dessert highway in a convertible mustang with him. In the summer. With him wearing that white tank top.

The color of strawberries emerges at your cheeks just at the thought of it.

You wish he doesn’t notice.

You’re glad to find him looking the other way, before he speaks up.

“We’re going out tonight.” His voice is warm now. “Argyris says you should come along, even though I’m quite sure there’s no hardcore music where we’re going.” He laughs again.

I can’t. You almost say. But then anxiety slips away from you and out of sudden you want him to stop being so freaking arrogant, going around and acting like he knows exactly what kind of person you are.

He thinks you’ll say no. You can see it in his eyes.

“Sure, when should I be ready?” you say, surprising both of you.

He looks at you for some time and then trying to hide whatever he was thinking he says the first thing on his mind.

“How old are you?” He sounds pitiful. He knows. He wishes he could hit a wall; with his head.

“Twenty-one.” His eyes scan yours, unsure of what they’re looking for. “Why?”

“No reason.”

He inhales deep.

/

You try to blink. You’re at a party in a little bar you’ve never been before and a lot of people are wearing black. Alcohol. You can still taste it on the back of your tongue. You don’t remember how you end up pressed against a dark skinned man, but you can tell he smells of cigarettes and despair.

You sway your body to the beat, close your eyes. Breath in. And out. You think the music deafens you for a second but you open your lids and see Sebastian and he’s watching you, unashamed.

He’s not that far, though it feels like it with countless bodies in the way. The music melts. His gaze is almost angelic. Or devious. You can’t really tell.

He’s dancing with that curly haired woman again. You wonder how intimate their relationship is.

The red neon lights make his skin glisten. His muscles move divinely. It makes you think there’s an entire world inside him, his flesh barely keeping it hidden. Out of sudden you get the urge to walk towards him. You want to see him up close under this dim lighting. But you don’t move.

The man that’s groping your waist asks for your name. You tell him you need to flee. He doesn’t understand.

You sit outside with the sweet summer breeze touching your bare arms. The bass of the music in the background syncs with the beating of your heart. You can feel your ribs grow with every breath you take. Until you stop breathing because the door opens and his eyes suffocate you.

You can’t fathom the effect he has on you. He was a pretty face on screen some days ago. But right now he steals distance and stays near you.

You don’t look his way. He doesn’t say a word. Nicotine and smoke surround you as he exhales. His fingers hold the cigarette butt with care.

“Do you want some?”

You turn to look at him.

“I don’t smoke.” He laughs.

“That doesn’t mean you don’t want some.”

You want to know if his breath has the taste of sulfur. You want to pretend it’s the alcohol or the loud music that makes your head hurt.

“What’s the best part of being an actor?” The blue in his eyes glows.

There’s silence but he seems to be thinking about it.

“Do you ever feel things too much?” He says, his voice hoarse. “I mean, when you feel something so intensely it becomes a part of who you are.”

You nod. You understand.

“Acting allows you to let go of these feelings,” he starts. “You share the burden with the audience until it becomes light and you can hold it again.”

You look at him, shaking your head.

“I don’t think I could that,” you close your eyes. “I don’t think I could share what I feel so easily.”

He stands up. The wind hits you again.

“A lot people can’t. That’s why everyone is heartbroken,” he takes a breath, “Feelings eat us raw.”

You both go to bed alone that night. Tomorrow there is a hole next to you.

/

the morning after, search history

(02:45 PM) hangover recovery

(03:00 PM) best food after a hangover

(03:10 PM) sebastian stan

(03:30 PM) sebastian stan girlfriend

(06:00 PM) xanax side effects

/

You follow him on Instagram. He doesn’t follow you back. You remember he probably gets tons of followers every day and decide not to let it bother you. Instead you study for the exams of the following month.

The subject of your studies doesn’t interest you. Another poor decision you made under pressure. Sometimes you feel as if your life is borrowed from someone else. Sometimes you feel as if you haven’t found your home yet.

Feelings eat us raw.

His girlfriend looks beautiful in the pictures you find online. The media isn’t certain if they’re still together but you like to think so. It makes it easier to avoid him.

But the universe seems to be oblivious to your thoughts and you see him that same day. You’re taking the garbage out and he’s coming down from the top floor. You meet in the elevator.

“I’m glad to see you’re still alive,” his eyes are smiling as he talks “you looked kinda drunk last night.”

You fidget with the hem of the bag you’re holding.

“I wasn’t drunk.” You notice he’s growing some stubble. You’re not sure you like it.

“Whatever you say, doll.”  You bite your cheek trying to devour any sign that might give away how his words make you flinch.

He turns his body a little so now you’re facing each other. He’s so pretty. He’s so pretty in a way that doesn’t hurt. You try not to stare at him, but you fail sometimes. You’ve never noticed how slow the elevator moves until you want to get out. You can’t stand being so close to him for much longer.

He’s an arrogant rich actor who loves Disney and smokes a lot, you think. I have no reason to be affected by him.

“Ah! Argyris said we’re leaving for the weekend.” You eye him curiously. “He wants to show us some small villages in the south. He thinks we should get to know the country a little more before we start.”

You’re stunned by your neighbor’s dedication to his work. Sometimes you wish you had something you could be passionate about too. Sometimes you think you’re never going to find it.

“That’s great. I’m sure you’ll like it.” You give him a smile.

He leans his back at the wall. The elevator stops. Finally.

“I like your eyes.” You grab tight onto the bag. “But they don’t smile when you do.”

He opens the door and he’s gone.

They tell you that it’s fun to meet a famous person. They tell you, you can ask for a photo and a hug. They tell you celebrities don’t talk a lot but that doesn’t mean they’re rude.

But he’s not like that.

He’s fire. He’s burning heat and scorching flames. His words are his thoughts; raw. You don’t like it.

/

late night search history

(00:38 AM) blue valentine movie soundtrack

(01:15 AM) is sebastian stan a bad person

(01:30 AM) acting classes for amateurs

(01:50 AM) cheap leather boots

(02:10 AM) sebastian stan eyes

 You find it annoying; how he’s present even when you’re alone.

Thankfully he’s leaving for the weekend, you think.

/

The weekend, however, is two days away.

You think you can get away without seeing him. And you do. Until it’s late at night again. And they’re all upstairs with music so loud you’re certain the lady on the first floor is going to be rude about it in the morning.

The music tempo has you unaffected. All you think about is if he’s dancing with that woman again.

He’s such a bad dancer, he should not be dancing.

There’s a subtle knock on your door. You know it’s him. You hope you’re wrong.

“Do you feel like dancing?” His face is all flustered. It’s a good look on him.

“You can’t come knocking on my door at 2 AM and ask me to dance.” His gaze is filled with confusion.

“So you don’t feel like dancing?” You roll your eyes. He notices.

“That’s not the point Sebastian.” It’s the first time you call him by his name. You let it slip away slowly, testing the way it sounds coming out of your mouth.

He takes a step closer. You are suddenly aware of your pyjama shorts and your exposed skin.

“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to irritate you.” His eyes are the cliché blue of the sky. “I just thought you might want to dance, that’s all.”

Suddenly you feel guilty and embarrassed. He’s oblivious to it.

For a moment you feel his eyes linger on you. It feels surreal.

You nod at him.

He’s ready to say something when Argyris comes down the stairs, his shirt slightly unbuttoned.

“Ah man, I thought you got lost or something.” You lower your eyes. “Stop messing with the poor girl. People are looking for you.”

He throws a smile at you and Sebastian takes a quick breath.

“People are always looking for me.”

He gives away that he’s carrying a burden. Your expression softens. But then you look at Argyris and you see he doesn’t really pay attention to these words.

You share a quick look before you’re there standing alone at your doorstep, trying to grasp the idea of him.

/

When you wake up you feel like running. You can’t fathom where the feeling comes from but it starts like a liquid running down your veins and soon you can’t stay in bed even for a second.

Feelings eat us raw. Only if you let them.

.

i really appreciate feedback, it motivates me tons and also tell me if you’d like to be tagged in this six part story :)

#sebastian stan #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan x you #sebastian stan imagine #monday the movie #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes imagine #letyoudown

[syllvane]

muscle memory pt. 3- sylvie x reader

a/n: i said i was going to post tomorrow but i couldn’t help myself. anyways, spoilers for episode 2 and 3 of loki, minor spoilers for the beginning of episode 3. final word count is 1.7k words!

read the previous part  read the next part   read the series  

“How is Loki doing?” You asked Mobius, walking with him to the mess hall.

“He’s doing great. Making real progress, I would say.”

“Didn’t you have to have a meeting with Renslayer this morning because of his actions?” You asked, raising your eyebrows. His face scrunched up for a second.

“It’s like every time he is making progress, he takes two steps back.”

“That sounds more believable. You still think he’s worth all the trouble though?”

Mobius sighed slightly. “I really do believe in him. It’s not just an issue of whether I believe in him though, it’s whether Ravonna and the Timekeepers do.”

“Oh, you’re on first name basis now, with Renslayer?” You turned and grinned at Mobius, who immediately flushed after realizing his mistake.

“Not a word of this to anyone.” He said strictly, although there was a smile on his face as well.

“Yeah, yeah.” You said, standing in line with Mobius as he ordered his lunch before sitting down at a two-seat table. “Ravonna and Mobius-”

“C-7.” Mobius said strictly, although you could tell he was partly amused by your antics.

You continued in the same quiet, sing-songy voice as before.

“-on a jet ski. K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”

Mobius finished taking a sip of his drink and then applauded quietly, so as to not draw attention.

“Has anyone ever told you that you truly have all the originality of a grade-schooler?”

Before you could answer, you were interrupted by a tall man with long dark hair speed walking over to where Mobius and you were sitting.

Although he seemed to be in a hurry, you could tell that he was sizing up everybody in the room, including yourself.

“I found- oh, sorry. Didn’t see you there. Would you mind moving so that me and my partner could discuss something?” He asked politely, even smiling.

You locked eyes with him, smiling back at him.

“I’m good, thanks. You can just pull up a chair.”

His smile wavered and he maintained eye contact for a couple of moments longer before breaking it, going to a different table and pulling over a chair.

(You ignored the pointed look Mobius shot at you, like he was asking you to be the bigger person here. Unfortunately for him, you had no such intentions.)

“Right. I know how the Variant is hiding.”

Mobius leaned back.

“Talk about burying the lead. How?”

Loki smiled slightly, this smile much different from his last- he was proud of himself.

“He’s hiding in apocalypses.” 

There was a moment of silence. You and Mobius exchanged a glance.

“Which one? There’s like a million all across history.” Mobius pointed out and Loki took a second to compose himself before starting his explanation.

You sat back as he explained his reasoning, watching with amusement as he put more salt and pepper into Mobius’ salad, handing him your own drink when he realized that Mobius’ drink was empty.

He gave you a nod of recognition and Mobius sent you another, even more exasperated glance as Loki poured your drink into the salad (although, in your opinion, seeing Loki grin like that made it worth it).

                                                             —— “How was Pompeii?” You asked, not even having to look up from the apocalypse case files to figure out that it was Loki who was approaching you.

He stopped for a minute, almost taken aback by your observation, before continuing and taking a seat in front of you.

“I was right, naturally.”

You scoffed slightly.

“Naturally.”

You looked up at him to find that his piercing eyes were already looking at you, almost curiously.

“You’re already sorting through the apocalypse files.”

“Naturally occurring disasters with no survivors, cross-referenced with the candy that Mobius picked up. You were confident that you were right so I figured I should start looking.”

Loki raised his eyebrows and smiled slightly.

“You’re smarter than you look. Could’ve saved me and Mobius some time.” 

“He forgot to cross-reference?”

He nodded, hesitating for a moment before he grabbed some of the files that you hadn’t started looking over yet.

You looked at him appreciatively, though he wasn’t looking at you anymore. 

The two of you sat there, looking at the case files in a comfortable silence for a couple of minutes before Mobius walked into your office as well.

“What’s this?” Mobius asked, taking a cursory glance at the file on top.

“Kablooie.” You said simply and Mobius sighed slightly, frustrated that he hadn’t thought of it.

He grabbed a couple of files as well, standing up as he started reading.

“I think I have something,” Loki said a couple of minutes later, splaying the case out on your desk so that everyone could see. “Class ten apocalypse. Alabama, 2050.”

You looked it over and even just with a cursory glance, you could tell that this is where the Variant was hiding- you looked over at Mobius and saw pride on his face.

“You’re gonna take my job if I’m not careful.”

“Now to pitch it to Renslayer.” You said and Mobius nodded, already halfway out of your office. He closed the door behind him and you looked at Loki. “I don’t think I’ve seen him this excited in a while. In fact, the last time I saw him this excited, I think we saw a jet ski on a mission.”

Loki smiled to himself, though the expression disappeared when he looked back at you.

“And what about you?”

“Hm?” You tilted your head slightly, caught off-guard by the question.

“What excites you?” 

You held his gaze for a couple of moments, feeling uncomfortable with how he looked at you, as if he knew something about you that you didn’t know about yourself. 

You finally looked away, standing up.

“We should go meet Mobius. We’ll be heading out as soon as he gets the approval.”

“You say this like it’s a sure thing.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen Renslayer say no to him. Come on.”

                                                          ——

The rain sounded a hundred times louder when you were listening to it hit the roof of the Roxxcart, so loud that you could barely hear the sound of your own voice above the noise.

“What are you doing here?” You asked, positioning your reset baton defensively. The man standing by the plants seemed to hesitate slightly, although he was still much too calm for this kind of weather.

“Hurricane sale. Azaleas are half-off.”

“Could that be you?” You asked Loki, your eyes never leaving the man. Although his eyes continued to look between you and Loki, his gaze lingered on you longer.

“I… mean… I would’ve worn a suit, but it could be.”

You took a couple steps towards the man and he backed up, looking at you pleadingly.

“I don’t want to do this.” He said quietly and you tilted your head slightly, confused.

You took another step towards him.

“What-”

He grabbed your arm and a warm feeling came over your body.

A woman’s voice in your head lulled you to sleep, promising to bring you home and then everything went dark.

…

“Sylv, why are you acting so weird?” You asked, taking another sip of wine.

The blonde woman across from you smiled, although you could tell that she was forcing it for your sake.

“Another one of my suitors came and visited me today.” She said. You made a face and she laughed slightly.

“Complete fools, every one of them.”

“Fools for being deeply in love with me?” She asked, raising an eyebrow, almost as if she was allowing herself to play the part for a couple of brief moments.

“No, I’m above self-flagellation. They’re fools for thinking that they could ever win your heart.”

She laughed.

“And why is that?”

You leaned back in your chair.

“I have it on very good account that someone already has it.” You said and Sylvie‘s smile faded and her gaze didn’t quite meet yours, almost as if her mind was preoccupied elsewhere.

She looked back at you, her look apologetic.

The scene around you grew distorted, nothing quite clear anymore.

“I’m sorry.”

Her words repeated everywhere around you like you were in an echo chamber rather than…

Rather than…

Where were you?

The blonde woman that had been there a moment ago disappeared and with her, everything else.

…

When you came to, Mobius was kneeling beside you, waiting for you to wake up.

“C-7… are you okay?” He asked slowly, looking at you with more concern than you think anyone else ever has.

You propped yourself up and you looked around wildly for Loki or for the blonde woman- Sylvie- who had been in your head.

“Where are they?” You asked and you hated how desperate your voice sounded.

“They escaped. Take it easy, the Variant did a number on-”

“Mobius, I have to find her.” You said, trying to stand up only to be overwhelmed with nausea and dizziness.

Mobius supported you, keeping you from falling back onto the ground.

“I know. And we will, but we have more pressing issues right now. Come on.”

You didn’t protest, knowing that you wouldn’t be able to convince Mobius even if you promised to get him a jet ski afterwards.

What you had to do now, you would do alone.

He helped you through the portal back to the TVA and the rest of your team followed, all of them being immediately assigned to different Nexus events that were happening simultaneously.

You, being injured, were given the pass to stay back at the TVA. 

You wondered if the Timekeepers knew what you were about to do, if they could’ve predicted it- after all, they were the ones who had made you, right?

You headed to the sector of the TVA where they issued TemPads, looking at the data of where all the TemPads were jumping to and from when you stumbled upon something odd- there was a TemPad that only had one jump registered in its entire history.

TVA to Lamentis-1, 2077.

Huh.

The Variant- Sylvie- whatever her name was, must’ve found out a way to stop the TemPad from feeding data into the system, but it must’ve reset when she jumped to the TVA.

You grabbed one of the TemPad’s that were out of commission for charging, unplugging it. 

It was low on battery, but it would have to do.

You opened a portal for yourself using the exact same coordinates and time that they had put in and without any hesitation, you walked through.

#sylvie laufeydottir x reader #sylvie x reader #mcu sylvie x reader #mcu sylvie #sylvie #loki series #loki laufeyson #mcu loki #loki #mobius m mobius #tva #tva!reader #time variance authority #marvel #marvel x reader #marvel imagines #marvel imagine #mcu x reader #mcu imagine #MCU

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed, Episode 24 part two

(Masterpost) (Pinboard)

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

Arguing

After enjoying a tense  afternoon with Lan Xichen, Wei Wuxian comes home to enjoy a tense evening with Jiang Cheng. He pauses in the doorway as he takes in Jiang Cheng’s mood and decides which metaphorical mask he will put on to interact with his shidi. As someone who grew up with explosive people, I find this routine very familiar. 

Wei Wuxian is always carefully playing a role as he interacts with the people in his life. Clearly he has read the classic sociology text The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life and is using it as a how-to guide. We see him do this same calculation over and over, in which he reacts internally to a situation, comes to a decision about what persona to inhabit, and then dons that persona. It’s a typical abuse survival tactic and...it is exhausting. 

This is why I think his leaving to be alone for a while in Episode 50 is a good thing. Being alone isn’t better than being with someone else, usually, but for Wei Wuxian, who is (by Episode 50) assured of love but not sure where he belongs in his own life, being by himself for a while is going to be the best thing for him. He can learn how to just be a person, instead of constantly trying to mold himself to fit everyone around him. 

For the current tense situation, Jiang Cheng is polishing his sword, which, incidentally, is slang (in English, not necessarily in Chinese) for masturbating. Which makes their conversation about how frequently it needs doing kind of a hoot. “One time a month should do,” per Wei Wuxian. 

Jiang Cheng yells at Wei Wuxian--fairly, really--for being drunk all the time and not working on clan tasks. Then he responds to a hug attempt by shoving Wei Wuxian and knocking him down. JC asks WW if he’s too drunk to manage his spiritual power. Now, we know that he doesn’t have any spiritual power to manage, and that’s the main point of this interaction. But it also shows us something else about their dynamic. 

This was just a quick hit, and when it takes WWX out, JC asks why he isn’t responding with spiritual power.  Which means that apparently *every* time Jiang Cheng gives Wei Wuxian a shove or a shoulder check, or strikes him--like he’s been doing constantly since Episode 3--he’s putting spiritual power behind it. That’s...really harsh. 

Jiang Cheng wants Wei Wuxian to fight back, and Wei Wuxian can’t; this is a big part of why their relationship breaks down. Casual blows loaded with spiritual power are part of their vocabulary, and Wei Wuxian can’t speak that language any more, even for basic defense. He’s literally not safe having simple interactions with Jiang Cheng now, because he’s secretly disabled, and Jiang Cheng is casually injuring him whenever he gets too close. 

(more after the cut!)

This time Wei Wuxian has had enough, and raises Chenqing to Jiang Cheng, who immediately backs off. Jiang Cheng has seen that thing in action, not just on the battlefield, but in a small room full of whatever remained of Wen Chao when they were done with him. He takes this as a serious threat, and backs off, disturbed and puzzled and hurt.

Jiang Cheng thinks the change in Wei Wuxian is coming from apathy, not from disability, and so he misunderstands it over and over.  Think of a friend saying “whatever, I’m sick of arguing with you, do what you want.”  Jiang Cheng is very ready to feel rejected, and not at all ready to look at Wei Wuxian’s behavior and try to actually understand it. 

Crying Over You

Wei Wuxian bails and goes to see Jiang Yanli in the ancestral hall, where she is polishing a name plaque. I turned the gamma way up to see whose it is and...I dunno. This character might be 江 (Jiang), I guess?

Jiang Yanli is the only one of the trio who knows how to mourn properly, in that she is taking some time to sit and be sad. Mourning the dead--both ritually and just in the emotional sense--is as important a part of reclaiming Lotus Pier as the training of disciples and having good times on the lake.

She asks him about his fight with Jiang Cheng and he says he’s used to fighting with him. Jiang Yanli asks him if he’s tired of living there, and Wei Wuxian deflects and deflects, saying “it’s my home, where else would I go?” and that if Jiang Fengmian hadn’t adopted him he would still be begging in the streets. He says “no matter what happens, I won’t leave Lotus Pier,” which is not an answer to her question.

It’s also not true. Like so many of his promises, it’s an expression of his wishes, with no space for the surprises real life is made of. He promises her that he won’t be reckless again, and asks her not to be mad at him. She says she can’t be mad at him, and then they share a flashback about Jiang Fengmian finding him on the street. This is a story, not a memory; Wei Wuxian can’t remember but he remembers her telling him about it. Jiang Yanli wasn’t there, in the moment. So this is her telling the story as it was told to her, probably by Jiang Fengmian. 

Flashback Time

In the flashback, picky salad-hating Wei Ying is out on the street, looking for food in a cartload of pretty okay scraps. I mean, yeah, skip the tomatoes, but most of the greens look fine.  

He’s found and fed by Jiang Fengmian, who recognizes him and decides to take him in. 

Within a couple of episodes, we will see Wei Wuxian paying this favor forward, saving someone he finds starving on the street. Just like Jiang Fengmian, he's going to upset and disrupt his family in order to help someone for whom he feels a deep connection.

During this flashback we get a look at Jiang Fengmian’s sword, and it is a beauty. 

What is Love

As the flashback ends, Wei Wuxian is smiling, hearing Jiang Yanli tell this touching story of starvation and orphanhood. She tells him he was born with a smiling face, and that he never minds much about sorrowful things; no matter how bad the situation is, he is always happy. Way to reinforce that metaphorical mask he’s wearing over his deep, deep despair, sis!

They talk a bit about Jiang Cheng’s bad temper.  Then Jiang Yanli says now that her parents are gone, they three are the closest in the world, and he responds by putting his head down on her knee and theatrically saying he’s hungry. But he’s crying for real, and so is she.

Then he decides to ask her why people fall in love, basically, and claims that he does not have anyone in his heart. He says there’s no need to like a person that much, that it’s like “haltering your own neck,” according to Netflix. Let’s have a look at that figurative language for a second, and what’s missing from the Neflix translation. 

What he says is (as near as my qhanzi.com skills can make out) “這不就是自己給自己脖子上套犁拴韁吗” which Google tells me means "Isn't this just putting a plow on my neck with a rein?" The part of the image that’s missing from Netflix subs is the plow, and the hard labor and animal servitude involved in pulling a plow. This isn’t a pro-romance image.

He’s clearly thinking about Lan Wangji when he lies about having no-one in his heart, but right now the yoke that he wants to escape has nothing to do with Lan Wangji. The person he’s harnessed to in a team, the person who he labors with, the person he wants to escape, is Jiang Cheng.  What’s chafing his neck is the promise he made, to stay and serve as one half of a pair, when he can no longer pull his weight. 

Busted

Speaking of Jiang Cheng, he is hanging around outside the shrine, listening to the conversation. Wei Wuxian busts him, pointing out not that eavesdropping is bad, but that it’s bad for grownups. Jiang Cheng points out that he’s the master of Lotus Pier so he’s allowed to go anywhere he wants.

(I love how he looks framed by this giant lotus behind him)

We Wuxian has another of those moments where he assesses the best approach to Jiang Cheng before responding. 

Then he picks a fake fight with him about soup.  Yanli comes out and tells them both to grow up, saying that JC is losing his demeanor as clan leader. He jokingly fixes his already-perfect robe ad they all have a chuckle.

Then Jiang Cheng reminds Wei Wuxian of his promise for the millionth time, and Jiang Yanli goes to make soup for the millionth time. As soon as the boys see that she’s gone, the smiles drop right off of their faces. They’re both performing their typical relationship dynamic for Jiang Yanli.

Being Reasonable

The brothers repair to the main hall, and stand behind the lotus throne looking out of this complicated wall/doorway thingy, while they talk about Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan. 

Jiang Cheng is being mature and sensible here, trying to give Jiang Yanli what she wants and also explaining very, very basic political stuff to Wei Wuxian, who is too caught up in his hate boner for JZX to want to think about the bigger picture. He also thinks that Jin Guangyao is a nicer person, but Jiang Cheng says that nice doesn’t matter.  

Wei Wuxian is getting a full head of steam going about what a jerk JZX is, when Jiang Cheng makes him actually stop and think, by pointing out that it’s not for them to forgive or not forgive Jin Zixuan’s past behavior; it’s up to Yanli.

Wei Wuxian sees the reasoning in this, and starts to say he can’t understand why Yanli chose to like this person, but then he stops himself and goes through a rapid series of thoughtful, uncomfortable expressions. 

Perhaps he’s realizing that he himself has chosen to like an infamously stuck-up, fancy cultivator, albeit one with no soup-related character deficits.

Library Time

The stuck-up cultivator in question is currently in the Cloud Recesses library, where he has snuck into the forbidden books room, against his uncle’s express command, for the purpose of helping Wei Wuxian. The forbidden books room is an entire basement floor of the library; it probably has more books than the not-forbidden part of the library, since the main floor needs space for the restrooms, circulation desk, and copy machines.

(Did OP photoshop the Wangxian-in-the-Library porn picture onto Lan Wangjis’ book? She did.)

A couple of other Lans come along and see the main door unlocked. The lock is a big fish that probably uses magic for locking; it definitely doesn’t use a key. One of them steps in the doorway, glances back and forth without walking through, and does not check the secret door to the forbidden vault. Gosh, how did Su She and/or Jin Guangyao  ever manage to steal secrets from this highly secure location, wow.

Lan Wangji hears the Lan disciple on guard duty say “don’t tell Hanguang Jun about this!’ and has a series of microexpressions that might indicate some kind of feeling about simultaneously being a rule breaker and a rule enforcer.  

Boat Time

We end with an idyllic scene on the lake in Lotus pier, where a new batch of disciples is harvesting lotuses and learning the opposite of boat safety. 

Jiang Yanli and Wei Wuxian are having a good time, and seem utterly carefree; both of them are good at living in the moment, or faking it. 

Wei Wuxian thinks, in voiceover, that it seems that it’s not so hard to go back to the old days. Uh...ok.

Except he’s hiding a massive secret and these replacement kids are not the same juniors he used to hang out with, and he can’t actually teach them cultivation, since he has no socially-acceptable magic power, and everything is about to go to shit in the next episode. But you gotta take your joy where you can, I guess. 

Note: There are a lot of questionable effects in The Untamed, but there are also beautiful scenes like this one, which looks like a Maxfield Parrish painting. Compare with the BTS below and you can see what a good job the VFX team did in bringing this lake to life. 

#the untamed #cql #wei wuxian #jiang cheng #the untamed gifs #restless rewatch the untamed #canary3d-original #my gifs

[eyoricka]

Fight - Pete Davidson

Requested: yes

Words: 2300

Trigger warnings: some curse words

Pete was not his regular self this past few days. The BPD was hitting hard probably because of stress. He was under pressure for his new special and his whole mental state was affected. You did everything you could to make him feel better, but it was tough. He booked more therapy sessions but on a short run it was not enough. You encouraged him to watch some movies he likes to relax, to express himself creatively and to do some exercises with you however it created more tension than everything. Small things were triggering some Pete’s negative reactions, it was very hard to keep up. You wanted to be there for him, showed that you cared. Sometimes it was just nearly impossible and that worried you. You were kind of used to those situations but this time it was a longer, rougher episode and it began to play with your own mental state.

You were in the kitchen baking some peanut butter brownie for the dessert when Pete entered in the room. He seemed tensed but smiled at you lazily. He approached you and kissed your temple while looking at what you were cooking. He frowned a bit but said nothing. You were surprised by this reaction, he usually loved this treat.

“You don’t like it anymore?”, you asked still taken aback. He rolled his eyes but remained silence which upset you. “You can use your words to answer, you know.”

“I am just wondering if you really know me and want the best for me” he replied growing annoyed.

“You what??!! Where does that come from?!!”

“You know I have Crohn and you know it can be worsened by nuts” he placed a huge emphasis on the you know. “But still you are baking this” he glanced at the brownie meanly, rose his hand towards it and for a second you thought he might throw it in the trash or on the floor. Instead, he put his hand on his face and sighed: “I really wondered why I still get home to be welcomed like that.”

Those words stung you, hard. You had taken of your time to bake this, it was just a small attention and you didn’t expect this reaction. You bit your lips refraining yourself to reply harshly, deep down believing that he didn’t think that, didn’t actually mean that.

“Well, I think you are stressed and angry and maybe you should go relax and we can discuss that later.” You kindly reply, putting a smile on your face.

“Now actually we should discuss that now, you are the one who says that when there is a problem, we have to discuss it, let’s do that.”

“Yeah, but when you are calm, ready to talk without your feelings interfering and risking saying things you don’t mean.”

“I am calm and ready to talk” he insisted visibly growing upset. You nodded and sighed frustratedly. There was no point arguing and you didn’t want to deal with him being angry for such a flutily, so you let him speak. You weren’t really listening carefully to what he was saying considering that he just needed to let some stuffs out because he was stressed. You were sure that he would apologize as soon as his crisis would be over so there was no point in taking to heartedly what he was saying. You didn’t want to ignore him, but it was easier that way, else you would probably be hurt by some words he pronounced without thinking. “Are you even listening to me?!!” he snapped at you while you were lost in your own thoughts. You winced trying to find a way to explain why you were not very into what he was saying without upsetting him even more.

“I…No I don’t really listen. But look Pete you are annoyed and half of the things you are saying, you will regret them later so…”

“You must be fucking kidding me!!! How can you know that I will regret them if you don’t even listen to them! You know what it proves, it proves that you don’t care about how I feel or why, that you don’t give a fuck about me!!”

“No, it is not like that!” you exclaimed trying to make your point.

“Stop trying to make yourself look like the nice guy while I am the bad one!!! Fuck… I can believe you, from all the people I thought I could trust you!”

“But you can” you pleaded.

“No!! Visibly I can’t but I should not be surprise you can’t even seem to remember or care about what I can eat or no so I guess listening to my feelings is too much to ask!!” You opened your mouth to reply to that but he continued: “Maybe if it is too much you should leave, you would probably be happier without me, without pretending you love me, care about me. And I would also be happier, I would finally find someone for me!!” he yelled certainly not even knowing what he was saying, the stress, the anger he was feeling for days were taking the best of him.

Even if you knew that, you still never expected such words. You were astonished to say the least. You couldn’t even answer to that, you were still processing those hurtful words. After few seconds at looking silently at each other, it hit you, what he just said, what he meant. It took every ounce of courage you had to not cry in front of him and simply nod, leave the room silently. You went to your share bedroom and grabbed a bag, put some clothes in it with your toiletry bag. You sent a quick text to a friend of yours asking her to sleep at her place for the night and she accepted without questioning you further. When you crossed the living room to leave the place, you saw that Pete was still standing there, looking at the window. He was back at you. “I will come back in few days to get back the rest of my stuff” you stated, and he didn’t turn around. You put everything in the car and drove to your friend’s place.

When Pete heard the sound of your car driving way, he realized. He realized what he had just say, what it implied, how badly he had screwed up. He wanted to run to you but it was too late, you were gone and he didn’t even know where, he haven’t even seen your face one last time. This broke him and tears streamed down his face. What an idiot. You were right. Of course it wasn’t the moment to talk, of course the anxiety he was feeling was taking the best of him, of course you had nothing to do with all of this. He had been so unfair to you, during all your relationship you had cared, you had listened to him, you had made your best to make him feel better, good, you always had been careful about his feeling, you had been supportive of his decisions and involved in everything he had tried to do. He never thanked you, not really and the only time you were not listening because you were sure that he was not thinking straight, he had been an asshole. He wanted to make it up, he needed to apologize, he wanted to fix things, but he ignored where to start. He was crushed by the idea that it was definitely over, that he would never see you smile at him, wear his shirt, cook for him, play video games with him, falling asleep in his arms while watching movies… All those precious, treasured moments you shared would vanish and he would never be able to relive them.

He tried to recompose himself and called you, but he never reached anything else than your voicemail. The sole sound of your voice humming asking to leave a message was enough to make him sob again. He fell asleep that night crying while you did the same some miles away. Those few miles felt like the abyss between you, an abyss that none of you would be able to cross that night to join the other.

When you woke up the following morning, you had a lump in your throat, you felt sick. Your friends had made you a delicious breakfast to cheer you up and you smiled kindly at her. She didn’t pry in your intimacy last night, she did what she could to make you happier, gave you space and let you sleep while insisting that she was there in case you needed. You were so grateful to have her. As you were eating, you received a text from Pete, you were not sure if you wanted to open it or not, if you were brave enough to read it but you couldn’t avoid it. You would have to read it at some point so there was no need to put it to another moment. You were a bit shook by his words, expecting a breakup text, a date to pick up your remaining stuff. You couldn’t help but smile a bit at your screen: “I am so dumb, I am surely the dumbest dude in all New York, and I am sorry, I can’t apologize enough for my behavior. But please give me one last chance to talk to you, if you don’t want to see me after that I can understand but I want to apologize to you in person, you deserve it, you are amazing and that is the least I could do after all the hurt I caused.” You texted back a brief ok, thanked again your friend and drove back to your place. Your fingers were drumming nervously against the steering wheel.

To your surprise the front door wasn’t locked and then you remembered that you had left in such a rush that you hadn’t even taken the keys. As you took off your shoes, you heard Pete made his way to the entrance and you took a seconds or two to look at him. Judging by the enormous bag under in eyes you guessed he hadn’t had much sleep last night, his eyes were glossy giving you a clue on how he spent the night crying. He looked miserable and you presume that you looked the same. He approached you slowly like he was scared that you would reject him. When he realized that you were not angry at him but rather hurt, he internally felt like dying. He had always sworn to make you happy, laugh, to protect you and in the end, he was the precise reason you were pained. He rose his hand to help you to take your coat off and you noticed that his hand was shaking.

“I am that intimidating?” you humored him, and he smiled sadly at you. You then proceed to follow him in the living room, as you sat on the couch, he paced around the room. Your eyes followed him closely as he was moving, chewing on his lips, and playing with his sweatshirt. He eventually locked his eyes with yours and decided to sit down in the armchair in front of you.

“I am sorry, I fucked up immensely, I don’t even have words to tell you how sorry I am. What I did, what I told you, it was unspeakable, ignominious, and if you can’t forgive now or never, I would get it but sincerely I am sorry. I can even begin describe how much I feel like the worse for making you feel like this, to have accused you of things you never did. You always had been there for me, always, even in the harder moments, you had always tried to make me feel better when I am low, you spent hours listening to me and my struggles and the only thing I do is to tell you that you don’t do enough. Fuck, I am so stupid. I should have listened to you. I know apologize are not enough, I realize how badly I hurt you, how from the start I was an ass. You baked me something I like and because I am feeling bad, I take all my anger at you, this is fucked up I am sorry. My mental health is not an excuse for what I did to you, to treat you like this it was awful of me. I felt anxious and attacked at work, so I attack you and this behavior, my behavior it can not lead us anywhere except to our downfall. You don’t have to forgive, you don’t have to say anything, I would get it you know, I am just sorry.”

You brushed away a tear on your cheek, you felt like crying and you couldn’t pinpoint why. Maybe because you were really hurt, or because this apology seemed so sincere or simply because you couldn’t stand to see him like this considering that he had realized how cruel he had been. You stood up and took his hands in yours, enjoying their warmth. You let him engulf you in his arms, intoxicated by his scent while he buried his head in the crook of your neck.

“What you said yesterday, it stung me hard, but I am willing to forgive you, Pete. But I don’t want to relive that again, not in few days, not in months, not in years. I want this to make us stronger, we can use this to advance, to be better, okay?” you whispered as you pressed your head against his chest. You felt him tighten his grip on you as he murmured back “okay”.

#pete davidson #pete davidson x reader #pete davidson imagine #snl fic #pete davidson fanfic #pete davidson oneshot