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sihtricfedaraaahvicius · 11 months

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Note: this request has been sitting in my messages for a long time. I wrote bits and pieces every now and then, but as it was a request which hit home hard, I ended up working a lot of real life experiences in this story, so I've shed a lot of tears too and often had to leave the fic alone for a few days. I really hope you will enjoy this read, @hb8301. Also, I loved how you requested Sihtric to be an MMA fighter, and therefore it had crossed my mind many times to work your request into the Fighter fic, but I didn't. I felt this deserved to be a standalone fic. Thank you for your patience, again, I hope it's worth the wait. also, for everyone: go here to get familiar with the symptoms of breast cancer.

Warnings: angst/fluff. focus point is reader having breast cancer and getting treatment. spoiler alert: happy ending!

pairing: Modern!Sihtric x you (f)

Summary: Sihtric was away from home, preparing for his next fight, and you had to tell him some bad news when he got home. And together, you had to face this battle.

Word count: 5,5k

Masterlist

'Don't call me Bambi.'

*****************

A few days ago you suddenly discovered a little lump in your breast, and it had freaked you out. You went pale and started to tremble, hoping your gut feeling was wrong, but you knew better and immediately made a doctor's appointment.

Sihtric, your long time boyfriend who was also a prized MMA fighter, was preparing for his upcoming fight, which was scheduled in 5 days and, with your permission, was spending the last week before his fight at a secluded training camp with his team. This was something he always did, as his mind had to be clear and his only focus should be to win that fight. You didn't like being without him for a week, but you supported him, knowing he would mess up his chances of winning if he didn't go to camp, because you knew he could not resist the temptation back home; you.

You wouldn't see Sihtric until next monday, the day after his fight, and you weren't present at his fight because it was abroad this time. Sihtric had reluctantly left you back home, but he understood and said he'd video call you every day, which he faithfully did.

*************

'Hey, gorgeous,' Sihtric smiled when you appeared on his screen, and he raked his hand through his long, messy hair as he sat back against a wall at the gym. You heard the sound of gloves punching bags in the background and you figured Sihtric actually didn't have time to talk, and called during a short break.

You chuckled and felt yourself blush at his words and at the sight of him. After all these years you were still in love like a pair of teenagers.

'Hey, handsome,' you said as you switched on your night light and sat up in bed.

'Did I wake you, honey?' Sihtric frowned. It was only 10 in the evening and he knew you were a night owl, just like him, so he was surprised to see you in bed. 'Are you okay, baby? You look a little pale.'

'I'm fine,' you lied, 'how's training? Still going at it I see?'

'It's going well. Fight's getting close now,' Sihtric shrugged and stopped mid sentence as he looked at you. He scratched his short, well kept beard as he tilted his head to the side while he looked deep in thought. Sihtric picked up on energies and emotions really quick, and you knew he sensed something was wrong.

'You sure you're okay, baby?'

'I am,' you smiled, 'just tired. Had a busy day,' you chuckled lightly to which he smiled.

'Gotta keep yourself busy,' Sihtric said before he looked up at someone who wanted his attention at the gym, 'yeah, 5 minutes, okay?' he looked back at you, 'I don't have much time today, my love, I'm sorry. Few more days, then I'm all yours again.'

'I miss you, Siht,' you suddenly said with a trembling voice, which he picked up on as well.

'I miss you too, sweetie. But what's going on?'

'Nothing, babe… I just… I wish you- you were home,' you suddenly let out a sob and started to cry.

'Honey?' Sihtric jumped up, alarmed, and as if he could just run over to you, 'baby? What is wrong?' his eyes darted all over his screen as he watched you cry, feeling completely powerless as he was a 6 hour flight away from you.

You couldn't speak, you only shook your head and tried to smile through your tears.

'Baby, do I have to come home? Did something happen? Talk to me, love. Please, say something?'

By now the gym had gotten quiet, as everyone had heard the alarmed tone in his voice after he they saw him jump up. But like Sihtric, they had no idea what was going on.

'No- no,' you said, trying to control your emotions, 'I'm just really tired… I miss you…'

'Where is this coming from, little deer? It's not the first time I'm away from home like this...'

You smiled weakly at the way he called you 'little deer'. Sihtric had called you 'Bambi' when you first started dating, because he loved the way you looked up at him with your big eyes, and he said you reminded him of a deer. You thought it was cute but you said you didn't like being called 'Bambi', because the movie made you sad, as Bambi's mother died and Bambi also got shot, so it always made you think of death in a silly way. Sihtric had smiled sweetly at you when he said that Bambi survived and lived happily ever after, but you just couldn't get used to it. So he called you 'little deer' instead, which you thought was sweet.

'I don't know,' you sniffled, 'guess my hormones are all over the place again, you know, full Moon and all that…'

Sihtric snorted and rolled his eyes. 'You and your Moon phases,' he smiled, 'I will fight the Moon next, I swear, because I hate seeing you like this and apparently the Moon's to blame.'

You smiled again and wiped your tears.

'Hang on for a few more days, okay, baby? I'm home soon again, love. I miss you, I love you, and I can't wait to hold you and kiss you and feel you in my arms again,' Sihtric said softly before he looked up at someone in the gym again. He nodded and looked back at you and sighed. 'Hey, I gotta go, I'm sorry, honey. Promise me you'll be okay?'

'I will be okay,' you hoped.

'Good. I will be there again soon. And if you need me back home, any time, I don't care when, even if it's an hour before the fight, you call me, okay?' Sihtric rambled on, 'call me and I come straight home, yeah? I love you, baby. Miss you. Sweet dreams, sleep tight, text me when you're up?'

'I will,' you smiled tiredly, 'I love you too, honey. Good luck with your training.'

'Thank you, baby. I'm going to win this fight for you, and every fight after this one,' Sihtric smiled, 'sweet dreams, little deer.'

He blew you a few kisses, which you returned, and then you both ended the call. You couldn't wait to see him again, but you were also dreading his return home. Because when he got back home, you'd have to tell him that you had been diagnosed with breast cancer stage 2.

*****************

Sihtric had won his fight. You had seen it live on tv and you had been running and screaming through your living room as you saw it happen. And for a moment you had forgotten all about the illness that had made a home inside your body. Until Sihtric was briefly interviewed after the fight, in the centre of the octagon while being surrounded by his team, and he had thanked everyone for their support before he turned to look straight into the camera and yelled, 'I know you're watching, little deer,' he winked, 'I love you, I fought and won for you and I'll be home again tomorrow, baby!' and Sihtric had kissed the camera before his team dragged him back to celebrate his win.

You cried when you saw it, because you loved him, missed him and you were so proud of him. But you also cried because you knew he would not take the news well, as he always told you his biggest fear was losing you.

*****************

'No,' Sihtric scoffed as he held your hands, 'no,' he shook his head and he looked at you, confused with a half smile, as if waiting for you to tell him it was all a really bad joke. 'I don't understand,' he went on, 'are… are you sure? I mean, hospitals make mistakes, right?'

You said nothing as you watched his smile slowly fade.

'I mean… they… they,' Sihtric swallowed hard, 'can they run the tests again?' his eyes darted over your, surprisingly, calm face. 'They can check again, right, baby?' his voice became shaky as his lower lip startled to tremble, 'baby, they- they made a mistake? It has to be… I… they're wrong…'

'Sihtric,' you whispered and squeezed his hands. Your eyes teared up as you saw his tears fall down.

'They… I- I will call them,' Sihtric became angry, 'they'll run those fucking tests again and see they're wrong! I don't care how much it costs! They made a mistake!'

'Honey, please,' you whispered, 'it's not a mistake, I-'

'No!' Sihtric jumped up, 'they're lying!' he shouted through his tears and kicked over the dinner chair he just sat on. 'Fuck this fucking bullshit, fuck!' He breathed hard as his tears kept falling and walked to the garden door, which he kicked open with such force, it almost fell off its hinges, and you watched Sihtric storm outside, into the backyard. You saw how he kicked at the grass as he cursed and eventually kicked the birdhouse, which tipped over, and as he wanted to kick it again, he got his foot stuck in the house and aggressively tried to shake off the birdhouse from his ankle.

Sihtric had taken it exactly how you thought he would; not well. You had told him about the diagnosis and also made it very clear that it could be treated. It would be rough, yes, but you were lucky to have found it this early. With surgery and chemo, the doctors gave your recovery chances almost 100%.

But you were pretty sure Sihtric hadn't heard a single word after you had taken his hands and said, 'My love, I need you to really listen to what I am going to say, and please, don't freak out…'

****************

Weeks had passed since Sihtric heard the news and had destroyed the birdhouse, because his big foot had gotten stuck in it. Your surgery was now scheduled and you had started your chemotherapy a few days ago. The plan was to shrink the tumour so you could have breast conserving surgery.

You had been rather calm, despite everything. You had faith in the treatment and you felt it was going to be okay. Afterall; it is what it is. But Sihtric was a mess. He refused to leave your side throughout the day and at night he held you tightly in his arms.

Sihtric tried to be strong for you and helped out with every little thing, as if you were suddenly a fragile doll, and he freaked out every time you felt nausea, dizzy or had to throw up because of the chemo. But you weren't a fragile doll. You were still the same strong woman you were before your diagnosis. Except that you had felt rather sick after each chemo treatment, but other than that, you were okay.

Regardless, you let Sihtric do whatever he wanted to help you with, because he just didn't know how to cope, and you could tell. Sihtric told you he was fine, but you knew he barely slept. At night, he would often stay up a little longer than you, and said he just wanted to watch some light tv before he joined you in bed, just to take his mind off things. But each night, when he thought you were asleep already, he'd simply break down and cry on the couch. And each night you would hear his long, desperate grunts, which he tried to muffle as he screamed and cried into a pillow downstairs, but his heartbreaking bellow simply cut through everything.

And each night you wanted to hold him in your arms, tell him that everything would truly be okay. But you knew he was simply afraid and that he was just trying to deal with this in his own way, which was different for each person, so you had to let him cry at night as it seemed to be his only outlet since he took a break from training to be with you. And when he joined you in bed after he had calmed down, an hour later, you would simply cuddle up and tell him how much you loved him.

'I would rather die than live without you,' Sihtric said one night, as he held you.

'But I'm not going anywhere,' you reassured him, 'I'm not leaving you. This is not how I go, I promise.'

'This is the one fight I can't win for you,' he said quietly.

'Then fight with me. I need you to fight with me. And I promise you, my love, this is not going to take me down.'

'You will have to bury me, before I bury you,' Sihtric said.

'Oh, I will bury you if you destroy another birdhouse I made myself.'

'I'm sorry, little deer, I will build you a new one,' Sihtric chuckled softly in your ear and pecked your cheek.

'Baby, you have two left hands,' you giggled, 'great for punching bags and opponents, but not for building me a birdhouse.'

'Is that all my hands are good for?' Sihtric asked, and you could hear him smile as his hand trailed down your body, 'or should I remind you what else I'm good at with my hands?'

You giggled when he snuck his hand down your panties. Despite everything, Sihtric still made sure you knew how much he loved you. And while you didn't feel well enough to have sex, because it was quite a workout with him, he would still pleasure you in a way that was comfortable for you whenever you wanted it.

****************

After your second week of chemo, things became a little harder, but Sihtric still was by your side 24/7. Except for that hour after you had gone to bed already. Then he'd either scream and cry in a pillow, or go to the gym in the basement and punch a wall, instead of a bag, until his knuckles bled. But during the day, he wouldn't show you any of his pain or how scared he still was. He only wanted to make sure you were as comfortable as possible.

'Sihtric,' you said one night.

'Hm?' he hummed, looking down at you in his arms.

'What if… when I- I start to lose my hair…' you tried not to cry, because out of everything, that is what you feared the most. Which was ridiculous actually, but you couldn't help it. 'Would you s…shave my head?'

Sihtric clenched his jaw when he saw you tear up, and swallowed hard.

'Would you want me to do that?' his voice was soft.

You nodded silently.

'Then of course I will,' he sniffled, 'everything for you, my love, always.'

'Would… would you still love me when… when my hair…'

'Don't be silly, baby, of course I will. Always.'

***************

You just finished your 3rd week of chemo.

You got out of the shower and blow dried your hair, as usual, but when you raked your fingers through it, you suddenly pulled out full locks of hair. You gasped and dropped the hairdryer, which broke in five pieces as it hit the floor, and about three seconds later you heard Sihtric storm up the stairs.

'Baby!' he yelled before he bursted into the bathroom, 'hey!'

He knew you had been feeling tired and a little dizzy, so he worried you had fallen or simply fainted. Sihtric froze when he saw the broken hairdryer on the floor. And then he saw your crying face and your trembling hand, with a whole strand of hair tangled around your fingers. And without thinking he raked his own fingers through his long hair and looked bewildered. You took a deep breath and looked at him.

'I need the… the ha- hair clipper.'

Sihtric nodded and was quick to grab it and plugged it in. He looked at you and pulled you close.

'Do you want me to do it?' he asked softly, 'or will you try it yourself?'

'I'll… try it.'

Sihtric helped you with the settings as you both sniffled, and he got behind you as you looked in the mirror, ready to shave your hair off, for the first time in your life. He wrapped his arms around your waist, holding your trembling body tight, and he kissed your cheek several times.

'You got this, baby,' he whispered, 'you'll be so fucking beautiful, I just know it.'

You chuckled lightly through your tears and brought the hair clipper up… but you couldn't do it and broke down in tears again. Sihtric took the clipper out of your hands and held you even tighter.

'It's okay, my love,' he hushed you, 'don't be afraid. I know you don't want to hear it, but it will grow back before you know it.'

'I know, just… just do it, Sihtric, just get it over with,' your shoulders jerked as you cried.

Sihtric moved around you and took your chin gently, lifted it slightly up and he kissed your lips, pouring out the endless love he felt for you.

'I love you,' he whispered, 'no matter what, Bambi.'

'Don't call me Bambi,' you sniffled with a small smile.

'Actually,' Sihtric said, 'I will call you Bambi. You know why?'

You shook your head as you watched him move behind you again, and you felt his arm back around your waist.

'Because,' Sihtric said as he looked at your reflection, 'Bambi was a bad bitch who lived happily ever after.'

You snorted and wiped your tears.

'And guess what?'

'What?' you sniffled again.

'You're a bad bitch who will live happily ever after too,' Sihtric winked, and then asked if you were ready.

You said you weren't, but told him to just do it. And he did. You closed your eyes and hid your face behind your hands as you felt your hair fall down your shoulders, over your bare arms, onto your bare feet. And when he was done, you felt Sihtric press a kiss to your shaved head and he told you that you still looked like 'a fucking goddess'.

After a long moment you finally opened your eyes and you cried at your reflection. It wasn't that bad, but you simply hated it and felt like you weren't yourself anymore. You had considered a wig, but you knew it would also raise questions, so you'd rather just be bald.

'Baby, don't cry,' Sihtric tried to hush you, 'you… you can wear beanies?'

'Baby, it's fucking summer!' you cried out, 'I… I can't hide this. Everyone,' you scoffed lightly, 'everyone will fucking stare at me, and they'll know. They'll just know and they will fucking stare and they will pity me. And I don't want any fucking pity!'

Sihtric sighed and looked at you. He honestly thought you were still breathtaking, and he hated the fact you were worried people would stare at you and treat you differently once they saw you without your long locks.

'I'll give them something to fucking stare at,' Sihtric huffed and switched on the hairclipper. And before you could even react or stop him, he started shaving his head.

'Baby, no!' you gasped, but it was already too late. You expected him to shave it all off, just like you, but he didn't, and he stopped almost halfway up his head.

'There,' Sihtric said as he rubbed one hand over his freshly shaved side and raked his other hand through the curls he had kept, 'that'll give them something to stare at.'

****************

You had gotten used to Sihtric's haircut rather fast, and you thought it actually looked really hot and you said he should keep it. He told you he might, and said he loved the way you looked too, and wouldn't mind it if you would shave your hair off again in the future some day. But you said you probably wouldn't.

About a month has passed since your chemo and your surgery was scheduled for tomorrow.

'You know,' you said as you picked at your dinner, 'you should pick up your training again, Sihtric.'

'I will when you are healed.'

'No, babe,' you smiled softly, 'don't neglect what you worked so hard for because of all this. You can still do your own things while I recover. In fact, it… it would be good for you to pick up your regular life again too.'

'My life isn't regular right now!' Sihtric raised his voice and slammed his fork down. Then he buried his face in his hands, trying to control his anger and stress about your surgery tomorrow. 'I'm sorry, baby,' he said softly and took your hand, 'I… I can't focus on anything else but you. Picking up my training would probably only do more damage as I will fight with anger, without thinking straight.'

'I understand,' you said, 'but I will have to stay over in the hospital for at least a few nights. I need to know you will be okay on your own.'

'But I'm not going back home,' Sihtric scoffed, 'I will stay with you.'

'No, you can't-'

'I'm not leaving you alone in the hospital!'

'I don't know if that's a possibility, Sihtric.'

'I will not leave you,' he said again.

And you stopped arguing, because you knew he meant well. So you kissed his lips and his bruised knuckles, which you had already told him off about earlier.

****************

'You got everything?' Sihtric asked, just before he was about to drive you to the hospital.

'Yeah.'

'Actually,' Sihtric said and took your hand before you could walk out the front door, 'there's something…,' he reached into his hoodie and suddenly got down on one knee, 'I… I know this is not the… there's nothing romantic about this. And I'm sorry, but I- I couldn't let you leave without… without knowing if you- you will marry me?'

Sihtric held up a ring to you. You were stunned and started to cry, again.

'Of course I will,' you blubbered as Sihtric slipped the ring on your finger and kissed you while you both cried.

'I will marry you as soon as all of this is dealt with,' Sihtric promised.

***************

'What do you mean I can't stay the night!?' Sihtric said, heated.

'I'm sorry, sir, but your girlfriend-' your doctor tried to speak.

'Fiancé!'

'... F-fiancé needs to rest. She will be allowed to have visitors between 10 and 2 tomorrow.'

'So I can't even see her now?!'

'I'm sorry. The surgery went well but due to the chemo that affected her body she will need rest now.'

'No… no, I want to see her,' Sihtric scoffed, 'you can't keep me from seeing my fiancé!'

'Sir, I will have you removed if you will not listen. I am sorry. I understand this is very hard to hear-'

'What the fuck do you possibly understand about this?' Sihtric spat as he towered over the doctor.

Sihtric was ready to throw a punch, but then he remembered you had told him to behave, even if he wasn't allowed to be near you, which you had expected. You said that if he would make a scene, he wouldn't be allowed to see you at all anymore until you came home, and you didn't know when that was.

'Fine!' Sihtric snarled, 'I'll just wait here then!'

'You can't…' the doctor tried, but gave up.

Sihtric threw his jacket on the floor, next to the door to your room. He sat down, crossed his arms, and looked up at the doctor with a clenched jaw.

'Savages,' the doctor muttered, 'all of them fighters are savages.' He threw his hands up as he shook his head and walked away.

And Sihtric would wait. He slept on the floor in the hallway, while it was actually not allowed, but the poor old man that was the night security guard didn't dare to wake him up and send him home.

*************

You had been awake for hours already but had no idea Sihtric was right outside your door, as he was not allowed in and no one had told you about his presence. So when you suddenly heard some commotion outside at 10 in the morning, you were a little startled.

'No, you said ten! It's ten now!' Sihtric said as the doctor tried to stop him from storming in your room at exactly 10 in the morning.

'Sihtric?' you frowned as he suddenly barged in with a panicked doctor behind him.

'Baby,' Sihtric said as he ran to you, immediately tearing up and he grabbed your face to kiss you.

You weren't sure if you felt dizzy because of the meds in your system or because the way he kissed you was incredibly arousing at that moment, but you enjoyed it all the same.

'You look rough,' you smiled when you looked at him.

'Yeah, they made me sleep on the floor,' Sihtric said as he glanced over his shoulder at the doctor, who threw his hands up in defence.

'What?' you scoffed lightly, 'but- but why didn't you just go home?'

The doctor huffed, 'that's what I sug-'

'And leave you?' Sihtric interrupted the doctor, 'never.'

**************

After a few days of hospital food you finally got to go home. Sihtric, who never left the hospital either before your release, drove you home while he looked worse than you. Back home, you showered together and he carefully helped you take care of the wound you had after your surgery, and he would continue to do so until it was all healed up.

'Would you not mind it if... the scar...'

'Baby,' Sihtric said, 'you think I will care that you have a scar? Have you seen my face?'

**************

'Darling,' Sihtric said a few weeks after the surgery, 'the guys have been texting me non-stop. They want to come over and see you. Are you up for that?'

'Of course,' you smiled. You slowly but surely started to regain your strength the past few days and felt more like yourself again.

'Can I invite them over tonight?'

'Sure.'

'We can order pizza and watch a movie. You want that, honey? You can pick whatever you want to watch.'

'I don't mind, Sihtric,' you chuckled, 'everything's fine with me.'

Sihtric had absolutely spoiled you since you came home again. Not a day went by that he wouldn't surprise you with flowers, balloons, teddy bears, of which you had about 12 by now, or simply with your favourite food or drink. He cleaned the house, did the laundry, he cooked, everything was fine with him, as long as you could just sit back and relax. And when you craved something at midnight but didn't have it in the house, he'd use his contacts to get it as fast as possible. He did everything for you, whatever you wanted.

Sihtric was also more than happy to please you when your sex drive slowly but surely came back again. And he was as good with his mouth and tongue as he was with his hands and fingers. You weren't fully ready yet to have sex with him, but you did obviously long to see and hear him being pleased as well, but he wouldn't let you do anything on him right now, not until you were fully recovered, because you were still tired rather fast.

'What if… what if I just kiss you, and you… you know…'

'Jerk off?' Sihtric grinned, 'yeah, that'll work for me.'

That problem was solved rather quickly. It became an almost daily routine you both enjoyed, and you even had to clean yourself up fast, minutes before Sihtric's friends came over.

You opened the front door and were greeted by Uhtred, who held (another) gigantic teddy bear, Finan, who held a couple of balloons, and Osferth, who held a large bouquet of pink roses. They all hugged you and shed a tear. They hadn't seen you or Sihtric since this all had started, as Sihtric had isolated himself completely to take care of you.

'You look good,' Uhtred smiled, 'the bald look actually looks great.'

'Right?' you laughed, 'I got used to it. But I can't wait to have my long hair back again.'

'And you will look just as pretty,' Finan smiled.

'You are beautiful no matter what,' Osferth blushed as he handed you the roses.

'Thank you,' you chuckled as you heard Sihtric enter the hallway and the men all cheered.

'There he is!' Uhtred smiled, 'finally.'

'What happened to your hair, mate?' Finan snorted.

Sihtric had kept his half shaved cut, simply because you had fallen in love with it. You told the men about the day your hair fell out, and what Sihtric had done. And after that, they all sniffled and didn't dare to say another word about Sihtric's hair anymore.

'Oh, he also proposed,' you suddenly said.

'What?!' they all yelled, after which they pulled you both in for a group hug and cried again. They were such softies, all of them.

You all sat in the living room as you waited for the pizzas to be delivered. Sihtric had pulled you in his lap and kept his arms tightly around your waist as he nuzzled your neck and cheek ever so often, and planted soft pecks whenever he could. Sihtric never shied away from displaying his affection when others were around, but he definitely became even more affectionate after your sickness. Sihtric still struggled to talk about everything, so he simply focused on you. And you told the guys everything that had happened since Sihtric had left for the fight. You all shed a tear when you told them why you had cried during the video call that one evening, and you all laughed when you said how Sihtric had gotten his foot stuck in the birdhouse.

'He promised he'd built me a new one,' you reminded him, to which you all laughed.

'I will, in time. I promise,' Sihtric whispered in your ear as Uhtred jumped up to open the door for the pizzas. You all ate and joked around before you moved to sit on the large couch together to watch a movie; Bambi. Uhtred sat on the far left, next to him was Sihtric, then Finan, and Osferth sat on the far right. It was a large couch, but they sat shoulder to shoulder.

'I guess I'll sit on the floor,' you joked as you saw there was no more space.

'No!' they all shouted, and Sihtric pulled you towards him. You sat half on Uhtred's and Sihtric's lap, while your legs rested on Finan and Osferth their thighs. And like that, surrounded by your favourite pretty boys, you had the best night in months because it all felt almost back to normal again. Which you needed, and Sihtric too. And as the home you lived in with Sihtric was rather large, the guys all stayed the night too.

The next morning you found the four guys in your backyard as they were building a new birdhouse from scratch. You wanted to offer them coffee, but Osferth came running and turned you around, saying you couldn't see the house yet. Sihtric followed behind Osferth to give you a quick kiss and to walk you back inside.

Hours later they yelled at you from the backyard and presented you with your new, one of a kind, birdhouse. You weren't sure how a bird would be able to get in the house, but at least Sihtric's foot would also not fit in the tiny opening either.

**************

It would take a while before you would be considered fully cured. But many, many months had passed since your surgery, and you were feeling pretty much back to normal again. Your hair had been growing again too, and it had gotten to a nice length, which Sihtric was absolutely smitten by as he found out he could braid your hair. He braided it the same way as his hair was braided during his fights, and he almost passed out when he saw how it looked on you. He loved it so much, he actually proposed again.

And speaking about proposals, you were about to get married. You and Sihtric decided to not wait any longer, as you had said you were feeling as good as "normal" again.

The wedding was small and intimate, in a cosy venue and only your close friends and family were present. Sihtric had grabbed onto Finan, his best man, because he was almost going to faint when he saw you walking down the aisle, with your hair braided, wearing a beautiful long dress and a smile on your face. Sihtric started sobbing the moment he took your hands, which caused you to cry too, and then everyone cried, so it was all a mess. But the best kind of mess.

You couldn't believe you were able to dance and party all night again, and you made the most of it, with your ridiculously handsome husband. And after the party, when everyone went home, Sihtric took you to a fancy hotel suite he had booked for the wedding night. And that night was the first time you had sex again, after everything that had happened. And it was the most incredible sex of your life, which you thought was pretty impressive, as it had always been good with Sihtric before. And the next morning, you'd have sex with him again. In bed, in the hottub, and on the floor. And you knew then that you were finally fully feeling like yourself again.

You couldn't possibly have a better start to your wedded life, and you couldn't wait to spend the rest of your life with Sihtric; your husband, your fighter and, which you would soon find out, the father of your first child. And Sihtric had been right all along, you would live happily ever after, just like Bambi.

*************

taglist: @clairacassidy @finanmoghra @uunotheangel @hb8301 @bathedinheat @neonhairspray @anaeve @bubblyabs @travelingmypassion @sylas-the-grim @heimtathurs @bubbles-for-all-of-us @andakth @chompchompluke @willowbrookesblog @lady-targaryens-world @skyofficialxx

[DM to be added to/removed from taglist! & don’t be shy to like, reblog & comment!🖤]

#sihtric x you #sihtric x reader #the last kingdom fic #sihtric fic #sihtric kjartansson #the last kingdom #sihtric #tlk #modern!sihtric

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sourholland · 3 years

Note

Hello! Would you be able to do a timothee request? I just went to the gyno yesterday(tmi lol) and they found a lump in my breast:( I have to go get an ultrasound(since I’m 21) so could u do something based on that?Like where he comforts the reader cause ngl I was freaking out a little when they told me haha. Thankyou! And if u can’t or don’t feel comfortable I understand:)

What If? || Timothée Chalamet

Summary → A doctor finds a lump in your breast. When you come home, Timothée comforts you and let’s you know how incredibly strong you are.

AN → so normally i wouldn’t write something like this, only because i don’t want to spread misinformation—but i feel extremely strong about breast cancer awareness. sweetheart, i am sending you all of my love and affection rn. if you feel comfortable, feel free to update me with how your ultrasound goes. i hope this eases some of your anxiety and brings some light and love into your heart. To everyone reading this, please perform breast checks on yourself! See this link to get more information. Requests Open

Pairing(s) → Timothée Chalamet x Fem!Reader

Warnings → Talk of Potential Breast Cancer

Word Count → 900

There are some things nobody can prepare you for in life, most you hear about throughout youthhood. The realities of marriage, parenthood, losing someone close, relationships coming to an end, and so on and so forth.

“So—we’ve found a lump in your breast.”

This was one hundred percent, not fucking one of them. You could still recall the feeling of the waxy paper against your exposed skin. The ringing in your ears remained the whole drive home. The rest of her words almost certainly went in one ear and out the other. Something about how these things can happen, not to worry yet, blah blah blah blah.

Numbness.

No tears, no panic, no disbelief. Utter and complete numbness. Of course, those things would come later. Halfway down the highway on the way home, you’d pulled over the car and couldn’t help letting out a sob of sorts. Nobody ever wants to be told that they could potentially have cancer.

You couldn’t help thinking: I’m young, relatively healthy, a good person. Why do bad things happen to good people? This question posed itself quite incessantly, it wasn’t until you opened the front door to your apartment when you finally felt a bit of relief. The same couch, the same kitchen, the same photos on the wall.

Should I call my mom, you wondered. Would that just make everything worse?

It could be several other things, you could be completely fine, but there was still that small section of your brain asking ‘what if?’ What if what? What if it’s not nothing? What if it’s serious? What if you’ve wasted all of this time? What if you’re sick?

With a shaky breath, you poured yourself a glass of water and sat down on the sofa. An ambulance sounded on the bustling street below you, car horns, and the noise of people going on with their day. This was always such an odd concept to you, the way nobody truly knows what another person is going through.

You’ve just gotten this horrid, anxiety-inducing news; everyone around you continues to live their lives as if nothing has happened. You walked out of the doctor’s office, watching all of these random people meander through the small suburban neighborhood of your gynecologist. There was a woman walking her daughter across the street, a group of teenagers hanging out by the curb, a man driving while music blared through his speakers.

They are completely unfazed, completely unaware. How many times are we all truly unaware? How many strangers have you walked past that have just received the worst news of their life?

The jangling of keys at the door brought you away from your thoughts, Timothée coming into the living room. He yawned, pulling his baseball cap off and throwing it on the kitchen island. His hoodie was eventually thrown on the floor, white t-shirt riding up his stomach when he flopped down onto the couch beside you.

“How did your appointment go? That was today, wasn’t it?” He asked, seeming to look for the remote.

“Yeah—yeah, it was today,” you responded a bit dazedly. “They actually found an abnormality.”

This seemed to catch his attention. You sighed, watching him sit back and look at you more pointedly. He stopped looking for the remote, waiting for you to elaborate. You didn’t want to cry, to make the situation bigger than it was. Truth was, you could very well be completely fine. This was stressful, though. You were rightfully scared.

“Abnormality? What does that mean?” He asked, head propped up with his hand.

“A lump. She found a lump in my breast, I have an ultrasound scheduled for next week.”

He seemed to let out a sharp breath. The sob you’d been holding in finally escaped, face hot and cheeks moist with tears. Wiping away the wetness, you placed a hand on his bicep, trying to ease the tension.

“Fuck, Y/N,” he murmured.

“It could be nothing, I’ll have to go in and see. They won’t really know much until we do the ultrasound, so I don’t really know much either,” you said. “I’m just—I’m scared, T.”

He gently pulled at your forearm, bringing you closer to his body and rubbing up and down your back. With a light kiss to your temple, his words of encouragement slowed your breathing a bit. Holding you tightly, he looked down and into your eyes.

“Hey, hey—you’re going to be okay, hear me? You’re so fucking strong, Y/N. We’re gonna get through this, together. I love you, don’t cry.”

The pad of his thumb swiped underneath your tired eyes, then he leaned in and pressed a feverish kiss to your lips. He was your strength in this moment, his arms around you. You held him just a little bit tighter, telling yourself the same things he was saying to you.

“You are so strong.”

#timothée chalamet blurbs #timothee chalamet blurbs #timothee chalamet imagine #timothée chalamet imagine #timothée chalamet imagines #timothee chalamet imagines #timothee chalamet x reader #timothée chalamet x reader #elle’s fics

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iguana-eyanna · 3 years

Text

Love you Forever, Doll

Summary: you come back home with unfortunate news that will most likely break Bucky’s heart

Warning: breast cancer mention, state of sadness, Bucky beyond worried for reader's health

You can't remember how you were able to keep your cool driving home from the clinic. It was supposed to be a normal yearly checkup for you, but fate thought otherwise.

you finally drove in your drive-through and parked your car. You slowly recline back in the seat and stare into the abyss of nothing, thinking of one thing:

How were you supposed to tell him about this?

With enough strength, you got out of your car and walked up to your door to unlock it. Once you open it, your senses come alive from the spirits of yours and Bucky's apartment.

The home was filled with music, light humming, and a delicious scent that could have changed your not-hungry appetite. A favorite song from Bucky was playing on a speaker as you could hear your boyfriend humming along with the melody.

"Doll, is that you? Decided to make dinner early... Sam gave me this recipe to try out so I hope you're in a mood for some gumbo!" He announced happily before heading out from the kitchen to greet you at the entrance.

He stops dead in his track as all your doing is standing sickly still with puffy red eyes. "Hey, hey, what's wrong?" he softly asked, trying to calm you down from your light whimpers. You quickly get away from his hand reaching you.

"Can we talk on the couch?" you asked, not making eye contact with him. He nods as he walks around the furniture to the cushion. You're a seat away from him, still looking down and fumbling with your hands.

"Is this something to deal with your appointment today?" he asks, looking at you. You nod your head as you look up, wiping away the water around your eyes. "I don't know how to tell you this..." you whispered as your hiccups die down.

He inches closer to you and cups your cheek with his left hand, a limb he is no longer to use around you. "Y/n, please... you're scaring me." he tells you as the worry in his face intensifies.

You exhale and look at his wondrous eyes that will soon lose a shimmer of hope he has had for some time. "My doctor found a lump on my breast, Buck." you said, wishing that the world you built with him wouldn't be crushing down.

“Wha.. I don’t understand.” He mutters, not realizing the dire situation. You huffed as you’re trying to get everything out of your system. “I may have breast cancer.” You said out loud.

Reality hit Bucky as his heart shattered into a million pieces. “No you don’t, you’re the healthiest person I know,” he says in disbelief as his eyes start to glaze like melting ice. Your bottom lip trembles as you hold him close to your chest, never wanting to let him go.

"You can't be sick, y/n... you can't be." he keeps on repeating before his words turned into broken sobs. You silently cry on his shoulder as both of you stay there.

You don't know when you both stopped crying as you were now lying on top of him on the couch. Both of you must have passed out from all the crying as you look up to his closed eyes and parted lips. You trace your finger on his cheekbones, admiring his angel-like features. He soon flutters his eyes to open as he bends his neck to look at you.

"Are you alright?" he whispers to you, trying not to scare you. You slowly nod your head as you lay your head on his chest. "I will be soon." Bucky combs his fingers through your hair, a habit he does when he needs something to calm him down.

"When do you run tests?" he asks, staring at the ceiling. "I have to draw blood and do a sonogram by next week. Then, I'll get my results in a couple of days." you said, peacefully listening to the steady beat of your boyfriend's heart.

Bucky kisses the top of your head as he hugs you closer in his arms. "No matter what happens doll, I'll be here in any shape or form. I'll take off missions for a bit till we get the bottom of what's going on, ok?" he says, trying for you to look up to him.

You slowly look up and smile at him, beyond feeling thankful for having such an amazing person in your life. "I love you." you said, inching closer to his lips. He returns your kiss, knowing that whatever hits both of you in the future, you'll be able to do it together.

"Love you forever, doll."

#sebastian stan #tfatws #bucky #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #mcu #marvel cinematic universe #the winter soldier #marvel imagine #bucky imagine #james buchanan barnes

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buttonso · 3 years

Text

Teamwork: An Aura/Harvey short

AKA: Buttonso Very Unsubtly Projects FEELINGS Onto Poor Aura.

I am going to put this below a cut both for length and because the whole thing concerns fears/anxieties around pregnancy. If you like it and want to reblog it, you may, but I will not tolerate any form of judgmental commentary. I'm prepared to block people if needs be.

2,685 words. Contains a few swears. Forgive any typos ^^*

So. Ok. Well. A few weeks ago, I learned that I was pregnant. I did not think it was in the cards for me, for various reasons, so it's been a surprise, and while it's a good surprise, I have found it to be more than a little overwhelming. My husband has been amazing and has been doing a good job of keeping me off the ledge, and this whole thing is based on one of the many pep talks he's given me in the last few weeks.

This clearly would take place after Breathe With Me is over. It may or may not be considered canon, as I could end up contradicting it in the future sequel of Breathe With Me...... which may be a long time coming now that my life is changing.

Maybe this is TMI, and if I've made anyone uncomfortable, I do apologize.

Teamwork

Harvey whistled under his breath, a cheery tune befitting the sunny day and his sunnier disposition. No matter how busy he got at the clinic, nothing had been able to dampen his spirits for long over the past several weeks. It was a lovely spring and promised to be an even lovelier summer. His home and his wife were lovelier still… and he was going to be a father. Oh, not for a awhile- Aura was nearing the end of her first trimester, but everything seemed to be going well so far.

It seemed that having everything he wanted in life agreed with Harvey.

His last appointment of the day had cancelled on him, and he’d decided to close the clinic early and head home to surprise Aura. He’d stopped by the General Store for a few things, the plan spinning out naturally as he shopped. He would draw a bath for her so she could relax after she came in from the fields while he cooked a nice dinner. He harbored vague, hopeful notions of offering her a massage after dinner, but that would be dependent on her energy levels after- it was entirely possible she would want to go straight to sleep.

Aura, of course, stubbornly insisted on continuing to do all the work she was accustomed to doing, and despite Harvey’s misgivings, he’d yielded to the judgement of her OB, who had said she could continue to work as long as she felt up to it. Well, the doctor was right, and he himself would have said the same thing to a patient, but that didn’t stop Harvey from worrying.

He did not see Aura anywhere near the farmhouse as he stepped up onto the porch, but that was not unusual. She might be in the far fields, or the barn, or the woods… she might well even be inside, working on something in the kitchen. But she always came home at 6:30 for supper, so he would be ready when she arrived. Harvey’s cheery little whistle became a contented hum as he set the groceries down on the kitchen table, then headed towards the bedroom to change clothes, loosening his tie as he walked. The living room and kitchen was empty- even the cat was nowhere in evidence.

The hum died in his throat as he pushed open the bedroom door and he saw her. Aura was lying on the bed, fully dressed on top of the covers, curled on her side. Her back was to him, and her body was shaking with soft, hopeless little sobs. Alarm shot through him- he couldn’t help the automatic, instinctive lunge towards the bed.

“What’s wrong, darling?” He asked, as she jumped, clearly startled, nearly lurching off the bed as she turned to face him, eyes wide as she hastily wiped at her tear-streaked face. Murphy, who’d been hidden from Harvey’s view by Aura’s body, scampered off the bed in alarm, his tubby body hitting the floor with a thud on the opposite side of the bed, claws scrabbling on the floor as he scampered off.

“You nearly gave me a heart attack!!” She exclaimed, one hand pressed to her chest and the other held out towards him, her finger pointing at him in accusation. “What are you doing home so early?!”

“My last appointment was canceled, and I thought I’d surprise you. Please… tell me, what’s going on…” He fought down the panicked, instant assumption of utter disaster, but he’d never seen her like this before. “…Did… did something happen? Are you well?”

“I-I’m fine…physically, anyway.” She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose before rubbing at her eyes and cheeks again with both hands. “I’m just… having some feelings. Dealing with feelings was never my strong suit and it’s harder than ever these days.”

“What sort of feelings?” Harvey moved cautiously towards the bed, sinking onto it beside her.

“It’s… it’s nothing,” Aura sighed, but she leaned into his touch when he reached out and put a hand on her cheek.

“It’s not nothing, you were in tears.” Anxiety made his voice tight and his tone a bit sharp. She flinched, biting her lip as she avoided his gaze. His hand slid from her cheek to her shoulder. “Sweetheart… please… tell me.” His heart raced and he felt himself trembling a little, despite his need to be brave. “Please,” He repeated, when the silence stretched between them, and he felt her shoulder beginning to tremble again.

“I-I…” she took a deep breath. “I’m… I’m scared, okay?” She blew out a frustrated breath and covered her face with her hands. “I’m… scared and I feel stupid, immature, selfish… I…I hate myself for feeling this way…”

“Why? What are you afraid of?” He slid his arm around her carefully, but she stiffened, rather than relaxing into his embrace as she always did. Dread crept up his spine, and panic made another attempt at clawing its way out.

“…I…I should be happier than I am. About the baby.” Her tone was extremely reluctant, her silver eyes downcast as she continued to avoid his gaze. She put a trembling hand on her stomach as the other hand came to rest on Harvey’s thigh. “But once the excitement of telling you wore off… every day, every week since… I’ve only gotten more and more worried.”

“Oh.” Harvey released the breath he’d been holding in a trembling sigh. “…Is… that all.” She still had a long way to go in her pregnancy… but still, that meant she’d been agonizing for several weeks in silence. It didn’t speak well for his attentiveness as a husband. “I’ve been floating around here like a happy fool, and I never noticed you were in distress…”

“You didn’t notice because I hid it from you,” She sighed. “I…I didn’t want to rain on your parade. And your excitement was definitely contagious at first, but now…”

“…Now?” He made another attempt at sliding his arm around her, and this time she did lean into him, to his relief.

“Everything… is gonna change, Harvey,” she said softly. “Everything. And I… I’m not sure I’m up to the challenge.”

Harvey ran his hand up and down her arm slowly in an attempt to soothe her. “I’m of the firm belief that there’s nothing you can’t handle, my dear.”

“But… don’t you see…” Aura paused as she seemed to try to compose herself, only to have her voice break. “I’m… I’m not good enough, Harvey.”

“Not good enough?” He echoed, biting back the automatic impulse to deny it. “Why do you think that?”

“There’s… there’s no doubt in my mind you’re going to be the best Dad ever. I mean… baby, you practically have nurturer tattooed on your forehead. But me? I’ve spent my entire adult life just doing whatever I wanted to do. I’ve learned how to be considerate of you, and to accommodate you in my life, but… a baby… I don’t… I don’t know how to be in a normal family. I just can’t see any way I’m not going to totally fuck this all up.”

“Sweetheart…” He tightened his embrace and pressed a kiss to her temple. “It’s perfectly natural to have concerns about impending parenthood… I know I’ve been all smiles since you told me you were pregnant, but I’ve been worried too… I grew up without a father, so I have no example to look back on. But we’ll learn together. We have friends with experience to draw upon, and we’ll be just fine. All three of us.”

“No, no it’s not… not just that…” Aura shook her head and gestured with one hand, as if she were shaping a lump of dough while she worked through her thoughts. “It’s not just worrying about doing a good job… even though I am… but I…” Her hand tightened into a fist, and she squeezed her eyes shut. “All this worrying I’ve been doing… I’m thinking about myself. How my freedom is going to be curtailed. How my relationship with you may be affected, may even suffer. How… how much I am not enjoying feeling the changes in my body.” Her cheeks reddened as her voice wobbled. “I hate feeling low-key sick all the time… my clothes are getting uncomfortably tight… my breasts feel too big, I’m not sleeping well... I mean, do you hear this? It’s all me, me, me, I, I, I… what kind of fucking self-centered monster am I? Instead of worrying about whether or not my baby is healthy I’m only thinking about how uncomfortable I am and how scared I am of all this change.” Her voice broke at last, and she began to sob again.

“Oh… my darling…” Harvey had never seen her in such a state, and he wasn’t quite sure how to react for a moment, but hugging her seemed like a safe bet, and he used both arms to do so, pulling her against his chest. “I wish you’d told me sooner…” He was no obstetrician, but Aura’s doctor was a friend of his, and he’d read quite a lot on the subject of pregnancy ever since they agreed to try for a baby. This felt like mere reassurance wouldn’t be enough. “You know… I meant it, earlier, when I said there’s nothing you can’t handle,” He said after a few moments of simply holding her.

“I know you think so, but…” She sniffed and he shook his head.

“No but.” He put just enough sternness into his voice that she blinked at looked questioningly at him.

“When you first came here… I was so in awe of how confident you were. You came here all by yourself and resurrected your grandfather’s dying farm. You ventured into those dreadful mines and fought monsters… and you told me once that you were not going to stop taking risks if you had a shot at something better. I remind you of all this not to dismiss your concerns… but to tell you that I have every confidence in you,” Harvey told her, doing his best to be calm. He hated seeing her this way, but he knew he needed to be the strong one now, even if that was normally her role.

“How can you not be… disgusted by what I just told you?” She asked damply, sniffing again, and wiping her face inelegantly with the back of her hand, blinking several times to clear the tears from her eyes.

Harvey fished a handkerchief from his pocket and offered it to her. “Because you’re my favorite person in the world, and I love you so very much.” He smiled, feeling a bit shy and awkward. “I think you should talk to some of the other mothers in town… or if you aren’t comfortable with that, find a support group online. You cannot possibly be the only woman to feel this way. I of course cannot know what it feels like to be pregnant, but… it is not surprising at all that the physical changes may be disturbing. I’m no obstetrician but I have treated pregnant women before.”

“…I… thought about reaching out to Doctor Delecroix… I hadn’t talked to her in a while, but she always makes time for me if I need it…” Aura admitted, hesitantly. Aura’s therapist was a big believer in the power of the internet and was more than willing to have video chats with patients if they couldn’t make it to her office in Zuzu City, even a patient she was no longer seeing regularly, such as Aura.

“If you think it will help, then you should.” She’d stopped trembling, at least. “You’re not doing this alone,” Harvey added. “It will be a big change, it’s true… but it’s a change we’ll navigate together.”

“Just… just admitting how I’ve been feeling… It does help, a little…” Aura said slowly. “I’m still scared, but…right now, at least… I feel… I feel a little better… I…” She hesitated a moment. “I do want this baby, you know… I just… I didn’t expect to have all these mixed feelings.”

Harvey pressed a kiss to her forehead. “We’re doing this together,” He repeated. He’d say it as often as he had to. “We’re not just a team, we’re a family. No matter what happens. You, me, the little one…” There was a soft thud and a little “mrrrp” as Murphy returned to the bed, making his way to Aura’s lap and purring as Harvey stroked his head. “And him,” Harvey added. “We’d never forget you,” he said with a chuckle as the cat shoved his blocky head up into Harvey’s hand.

“I was so afraid that you’d be hurt if I admitted how I’ve been feeling…that… that was the worst part…” Aura said quietly, rubbing at her cheeks again. “I’m sorry if you were…”

“I was only worried about you,” Harvey said as they took turns petting the cat, who settled into a happy loaf on Aura’s lap, reveling in the attention. “Please don’t ever suffer in silence… our little one has a lot of growing to do yet, and I’ll do whatever I can to keep her mother happy.”

“Her?” Aura chuckled. “We can’t possibly know the sex yet. Besides, I thought all men wanted sons.”

Harvey shrugged. “Whenever I imagine it… I see a girl. Someone who will grow up as strong and beautiful and brave as her mother.” He leaned forward, resting his forehead against hers. “Though I wouldn’t say no to eventually having an assortment.”

She snorted and tilted her head a bit so she could kiss him lightly. “How about we make sure everyone survives this one before we talk about assortments… I’m still not loving the physical side of all this. I’m afraid I may be difficult to live with the next several months…I’ll… I’ll try my best to not be a complete monster.”

“Just be honest with me about your feelings, and I’ll extend you the same courtesy.” It was Harvey’s turn to initiate a kiss, brief and tender though it was.

“I…I should get back out there…” Aura said reluctantly, swinging her legs off the bed. “Got a few things that need doing before the day’s over.”

Harvey wanted to argue, to insist that she stay in and rest, but he didn’t have the heart to try to cage her now. “Go and do whatever you need to do… just be careful, please… and I’ll have a bath and dinner waiting for you when you get back.” He caught her hand as she nudged the cat off her lap and stood up. “And as for whether or not the baby will hurt our relationship… of course I can’t see the future, but… I can’t imagine any outcome apart from loving you more.” Harvey felt his cheeks heating in the familiar old blush that she could manifest in him with little more than a smile.

“I…” Aura gave a brittle little laugh and pulled his knuckles to her lips, giving them a brief kiss. “I don’t deserve you, you know.”

“I’ve told you before that you should let me be the judge of that.” Harvey answered as she quickly wound her hair into a loose braid.

“And you’ll… you’ll tell me if you have things you’re worried about, right? Or if I do or say something to hurt you? You won’t suffer in silence either?” She asked pointedly.

“I promise,” Harvey answered as she headed towards the door. “I love you, Aura.”

She paused at the doorway and blew him a kiss with a weary chuckle. “I love you, too, Harvey. Thank you… for being you. I couldn’t ask for a better partner.”

Harvey smiled as she left the room, listening to her footsteps fade. Murphy shoved his head against Harvey’s arm, and he gave the cat a stroke. “Well, boy… life isn’t simple even when you do have everything you want,” he said to the cat. “But we’ll just have to do our best and look after each other… it’s all anyone can do, I suppose.”

#my fic #farmer aura #stardew harvey #pregnancy cw

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ready-to-obeyme · 4 years

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[OM!] Ground Me (Lucifer/MC)

[Prompt]: You will need to book an appointment

Scenario: When you receive bad news from the doctor, Lucifer’s hand on your shoulder is the only thing that grounds you.

Tw: breast cancer, doctors appt

Note: gn!mc A little personal for me!! addressing some fears that I had + catharsis + peace knowing someone will be there for you. I hope if you’re going through a low patch or just received bad news that things will get better for you!

“You will need to book an appointment,” the doctor tells you kindly, apologetically. “I know this news may come as a shock to you, but we’re lucky to have caught it early; we can treat it as soon as we have a clearer image on where exactly the problem is.”

You nod slowly, releasing the fists that you balled on your thighs only when you feel Lucifer’s hand squeeze your shoulder gently. You breathe in and out, and you breathe in again, the heavy weight on your shoulder the only thing grounding you. “Yes, I understand,” you tell the doctor. You add on as a habitual afterthought, “Thank you.”

You cannot look at the doctor in her eyes when she casts you a sympathetic look. You know she has the best intentions, but you cannot help the fact that your stomach twists painfully even though everything else seems to numb. You know she looks towards Lucifer, who has been quiet for some time, giving you his silent support. She tells him, “Make sure you book an appointment as soon as you can at the same clinic where you got your initial mammogram. They should be able to take you in within the next week.”

“Yes,” you hear Lucifer say, stepping forward so that he stands right beside you, gently pulling you against his body. You feel his warmth even through his dress shirt, and you wonder when he had placed his dress coat around you. The coat smells like him, and it grounds you. “We’ll make sure to book an appointment as soon as I get back home,” he says to the doctor, but also to you.

You’ll be back home soon, he reminds you, his thumb rubbing gentle circles where your shoulder and neck meet. And you struggle to swallow the lump in your throat as you close your eyes against the tears that welled up.

“If you ever need a consult, other than for the results of the next mammogram, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me,” the doctor says. You hear her coat shift on her leather seat followed by footsteps that pass you on the way to the door. “Whenever you’re ready, please stop by the reception desk before you leave.” And the doctor closes the door behind her.

Lucifer calls out your name softly, and you open your eyes, tears sticking to your lashes, to see him kneeling in front of you, hands holding yours. He doesn’t say anything. He waits for you until you are ready, and you are suddenly wrought with an even greater urge to cry, wondering how on earth you were lucky enough to have a man as gently in love with you as he was-- to be patient with you and to be by your side through all these years.

“Lucifer, I’m--” You start to say, only to snap your mouth shut when you feel a wail forcing its way through your mouth. Immediately, Lucifer gathers you into his arms, and you muffle your cries into his chest, the tension from your shoulders and body releasing all at once along with your tears. “Lucifer, I’m scared.”

And you hate the way he has to tighten his embrace around you, holding you so that you won’t fall apart. “I don't know what to do,” you sob out, quieting when you hear Lucifer’s comforting voice sweep over you. Guilt rises quickly and suddenly, and you tell him, “I’m sorry…”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Lucifer says firmly, separating himself from you so he can kneel again and wipe away the tears from your face, “I am going to be with you every step of the way.” And as though he can read your mind, his eyes soften and he gently caresses your face, his hands loving as you can remember. “I’m not going to leave you,” he tells you when your breath hitches. “I promised you, didn’t I? ‘Till death do us part’?”

When you manage to let out a watery laugh-- half sob, half chuckle, he smiles up at you before pressing a kiss to your brows. “You’re the bravest person I know,” he says, and your eyes tear up for a completely different reason. “I love you,” he says, just like the other times, just like the time he said his vows to you, and exactly like the first time he said it to you years and years ago, “truly and deeply.”

#obey me #obey me lucifer #obey me drabble #obey me mc #lucifer/mc #obey me fic #shall we date? obey me!#angst #im writing a lot of angst this week #im ok yall #can u tell lucifer is my comfort character? HAHA

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vonnyphant · 3 years

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4 months post chemo - hair & pending check-up

It’s been 4 months since the last chemo and 1 month since radiation, and my hair has now reached a point where most of the baldness is covered. While I am still not very fond of these unruly spikes, it looks a lot less “ill” than a month ago. Basically, it just looks like a bad haircut now 😅 (pictures at the end of this post).

My first “three monthly check-up” is due Tuesday. They say the first is the worst, and that every “all clear” makes it a little easier. Hoping to get that all clear soon, of course. So far I am fairly calm. I still experience some occasional pain in my breast, which I was told was to be expected up to 2-3 months post radiation, so I try not to freak out over it. I do not feel any lumps, though the new scar tissue makes that harder to check by myself. Also trying to keep my cool about that.

As far as other symptoms or after effects go, I feel fine. My skin remained ok during and after radiation, no cracks or blisters. It has darkened a bit, like a tan, and I have a whole new range of freckles- all said to be normal and they are supposed to fade again in a few months. It doesn’t hurt.

My post-radiation cardiology appointment was all-clear; my heart is healthy.

My stamina has returned and after 4 months of 3-4 days a week training, is now back at 0. That sounds anticlimaxic, but considering I was around -5 a few months ago and could do nothing without going out of breath or having to sit down, I am counting this as a win. I am not at top form- yet- but at least I feel neutral? Just like a regular covid couch potato ;)

The next may be a ridiculous detail and maybe even icky, but this is my blog and I do what I want ;)

My toenails are growing back properly! During chemo, my nails went yellow and brittle. My fingernails went back to normal quite fast, but apparently toenails are slower. I won’t take a picture because it looks gross- but it’s a rather amazing process because I can literally see the damaged nail grow out (like when you have a bruise under your nail and you see it wander up). I have only a little under 1 cm ‘chemo nail’ to go ;) It may be silly but I kind of feel like it’s a visualisation of the chemicals leaving my body. I sort of enjoy watching it go.

Mentally… getting there. I still have short “freak outs” whenever I feel something in or on my body (an itch, pain, twitch, lump), or when loved ones complain about ailments. I am usually able to calm myself again. Not everything I perceive is cancer. The initial freakouts are normal, I am told, and will also lessen in time. I am no longer having videocalls with the oncopsychologist because it didn’t feel very helpful anymore. There’s only so many times I can be told “it’ll get better in time”. Ok, I get it. Time will tell, then.

That’s it for now; an update on the check-up coming soon, I think.

HAAAAAAIR!

My eyebrows and eyelashes are back (no make up in these pics)- I think my eyelashes are still shorter than they used to be but tbh I may just be remembering them more lush than they really were.

There’s no real styling this “cut” yet though- the hair is very springy and will just bounce back, even with gel or hairspray. Trying to be patient. Maybe in another month, the weird spikes on the side will lay flat? 🤞🏻

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anotherspnfanfic · 4 years

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Nobody Fights Alone - Part 2

Pairing: Eddie x reader

Word count: 1850

Warnings: Mentions of cancer, language

A/N: Here is part 2 of our angsty co-written series! Links to the series masterlist and part 1 are below! Make sure you follow @spnirwin as well!! We hope you enjoy!

Series Masterlist

Part 1

Your phone rang, startling you out of your reverie. You were laying on the couch with Eddie, watching a movie on his day off. A quick glance down at your phone confirmed what you both hoped and feared; it was the doctor.

“I’ll be right back,” you said as you untangled yourself from Eddie and stood up. You walked quickly down the hall, noticing Christopher still coloring in his room. You walked into your bedroom, closing the door softly behind you.

“Hello?”

“Is this Y/N?” they asked.

“Yes,” you confirmed.

“This is Dr. Alexander. Your biopsy results have just come back from the lab. Do you have time today to come in and go over the results?”

“Yes, of course! If you give me about twenty minutes I can be right over.” Your heart was racing as you hung up the phone.

You stepped out of the bedroom and found Eddie sitting up on the couch. He was looking at you, clearly concerned. “Everything okay?” he asked.

“Yep!” you said, slightly overenthusiastically. “That was Evan, he needs my help real quick. Shouldn’t take more than an hour.”

Eddie stood up suddenly, walking quickly towards you. His alarm bells were ringing. You never left the room when Buck called.

“What does he need? Can I help? Make it go faster?”

“He needs help with this recipe he’s trying to make. No offense, but I don’t think you’ll be a very big help. You aren’t exactly great in the kitchen.” You laughed, trying desperately to keep your voice even.

You could see the hurt that your words caused. You tried to soften the blow by giving him a quick kiss. Without saying anything more, you walked over to the table by the door, grabbed your keys, and left.

—

You were once again sitting in the doctor’s office, staring Dr. Alexander down as she delivered the news you had been hoping and praying you would never hear. They had detected malicious cells in your biopsy. You were officially being diagnosed with breast cancer.

“If you don’t mind me asking, Y/N, have you told anyone about this?” Dr. Alexander was looking at you intently. You knew honesty was your only option.

“No, I haven’t,” you answered.

“You really should.” Dr. Alexander’s voice was gentle. She leaned forward before continuing. “The road ahead of you is about to be very tough. You can use all the support you can get.”

“I know,” you sighed. “I just didn’t want to worry anyone until I had some answers.”

“I understand that. But it really is time now.” She gave you a smile as she began describing your treatment plan.

She wanted to start with an MRI to get a clearer picture and make sure there were no other tumors. Then, you would need multiple rounds of chemo spanning the course of several weeks. Afterwards, they would do another MRI to see if the cancer had shrunk. Dr. Alexander was hopeful that it would be that simple. So were you.

—

Meanwhile, back at your apartment Eddie was pacing. He was trying to figure out what to do about your odd behavior and obvious secret keeping. Giving up on your relationship wasn’t something he was interested in but it also didn’t seem like you were going to allow him the chance to fight for it.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by a knock on the door. Confused, he walked over to answer it. He wasn’t expecting anyone and you hadn’t said anything about anyone stopping by. His confusion turned to dismay when he opened the door and Buck was standing in front of him.

“Hey, sorry to bother you,” Buck said immediately upon the door opening. “I was just bored and wanted to see what you guys were up to. Neither of you answered your phones so I just…” His words trailed off as he noticed the look on Eddie’s face.

“She isn’t with you?” Eddie asked, voice strained.

“Y/N? No… what’s going on? Is everything okay?”

Eddie grew agitated, stalking away from the door and tugging at his hair. “This is funny, because about an hour ago your sister left to go see you. She said you called and needed help with some recipe.”

“Uh, no. I mean I’m sure you’ve figured this out by now, but I didn’t call her. I actually haven’t talked to her at all today.” Buck’s level of concern was rising with Eddie’s agitation.

Eddie spun around to face Buck, a desperate look on his face. “She’s lying to me, man. She’s keeping secrets and I...I think she might be leaving me. Has she said anything to you? Please, I need to know.”

“Eddie, you’re my best friend, but even if she had said anything to me,” Buck shook his head, “you know I couldn’t tell you anything. That being said, she hasn’t said a word. I’ve noticed her acting off lately, too, but trying to pretend she’s fine. I really couldn’t tell you what’s going on.”

“I just don’t know what to do.” Eddie’s voice broke and he dropped his head into his hands.

“Let me try calling her again,” Buck said, pulling out his phone.

You were driving home when he called, and you answered on the second ring. Before he spoke he put the phone on speaker so Eddie could listen.

“Hey, what are you up to?” Buck asked, voice light.

“Not much, just getting ready to make dinner. Why, what’s up?” You sounded upbeat, happy even. If he hadn’t already known you were lying he never would’ve been able to guess.

“I was just checking in, seeing how you and Eddie were doing.” He shot Eddie a glance, shrugging his shoulders. “But it seems like you’re busy, so I’ll let you go.”

“Okay,” you replied. “Talk later?”

“Of course. Love you, sis.” If you had been paying better attention you would’ve noticed the sad note in his tone.

“Love you, too, Ev.” You hung the phone up quickly, giving him no chance to respond even if he had wanted to.

Buck lowered the phone, shooting Eddie a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry. She’s clearly lying to me, too, for some reason. I’m going to go ahead and head out so you two can work this out when she gets home.”

Eddie nodded slightly. “Would you mind taking Christopher with you? He doesn’t need to be here for that conversation.”

“Yeah, of course,” Buck agreed. “I’ll go get him.” He walked down to Christopher’s room and returned a couple minutes later with Christopher and his backpack.

“Thanks, man,” Eddie said, giving Christopher a quick hug.

Buck took in the devastation on Eddie’s face and clapped him on the shoulder before continuing. “Look, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that she has a reason for whatever she’s doing.”

Buck turned and led Christopher out of the apartment, leaving Eddie alone with his thoughts again.

—

You stopped outside your apartment door and took a deep breath. You were dreading having to tell Eddie. Right now, it still felt like this could be some awful nightmare you were about to wake up from. Telling him would change that.

You finally pushed the door open and found Eddie sitting on the couch. “So, where were you?” he asked before you even had the door closed.

“I told you, I went to see Evan,” you lied, again.

He glared at you for a moment. “You did tell me that.” He nodded. “But, I know that’s not where you were. He was just here and he said he never called you today. So, where were you really?”

Looking down at the floor, you considered how to respond. “You keep telling me to take time for myself. So I took some. What’s the big deal?”

“What’s the big deal?” He mimicked in disbelief. “The big deal is that you felt the need to lie to me, again.”

You knew he was right, but you couldn’t bring yourself to tell him yet. “Can we talk about this later?” You turned to walk down towards the bathroom before he could respond.

“Do not walk away from me!” Eddie yelled as he stood. “You have been doing it for weeks. You can barely even make eye contact with me.” He sighed and ran his hand across his face before continuing more calmly, “If you’re planning to break up with me, then, please, stop dragging it out.”

You turned to face him, silent as you processed his words. You opened and closed your mouth a couple times trying to find the right words. “No. No way. I love you and I’m not planning on going anywhere.”

Relief flashed across his face. “Then what is going on? I need you to talk to me.”

“Yeah, I guess I can’t avoid it much longer anyway.” As you moved to sit on the couch, you took his hand to pull him down beside you. You took a deep breath. “I’m sick,” you blurted out.

He furrowed his brows, “What do you mean? You seem fine.”

You shook your head and a tear rolled down your cheek. “When I had my annual physical a few weeks ago, the doctor found a lump… it’s cancer.”

“No. You don’t know that. They need to run more tests. It could be something else.” He wiped away your tear with his thumb only for more to follow.

You sniffled. “They did them. That’s where I was. The doctor called to have me go in for the biopsy results.” With that, the dam broke and you erupted into a sobbing mess.

Eddie was quick to pull you into a crushing hug. He held you tightly as you cried, as if you might vanish if he let go.

You started to hyperventilate from crying so hard. Eddie pulled away just enough to look into your eyes. “Okay, you have to breathe. Just take a deep breath.” You managed one big gasp with a shaky exhale. “Good, that’s really good,” he said, pulling you back in to rest your head on his chest.

You lost track of how long he sat there just holding you. Neither of you said anything.

Eventually, he decided to break the silence. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? You didn’t need to go through all those tests and appointments alone. Does anyone else know?”

“No, I haven’t told anyone.” You sniffled, glancing up to look at him. You saw tears welled up in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to have to worry if it turned out to be nothing.”

“I knew something was wrong. I shouldn’t have let you slide with those terrible excuses.” He started in a spiral of blaming himself.

“Don’t do that. I wasn’t ready to talk about it,” you said, trying to alleviate his guilt. A fresh wave of panic ran through you. “I’m scared, Eddie.”

He pressed a kiss to your forehead. “Me, too. But it’s going to be okay. You’ll beat this.”

“Oh, god. I have to tell Ev.”

Part 3

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Tags: @beth-winchester21 @lovinnholland

#9 1 1 fanfic #9 1 1 fanfiction #eddie diaz x reader #evan buckley fanfic #evan buckley twin #eddie diaz #evan buckley #hurt/comfort #angst #chronic illness #nobody fights alone

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pitiless-achilles-wept · 4 years

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All I want for Christmas...is a working cancer treatment

Hello friends,

It's getting to be that time of the year again. No, not Christmas, although I'm reliably informed that it will indeed be happening again and soon (a thing I, who haven't bought or made a single gift yet, can't quite believe). It was this time last year that I first called my doctor about the mass in my breast that had become too large--and too tender and painful--to ignore any further. They didn't see me right away...because of the holidays and because for someone with my risk level (basically 0 - at age 34 with not a single person in my family with breast or ovarian cancer) it didn't seem urgent. It was.

And now, tomorrow (Tuesday the 17th), I'll be heading into my oncologist appointment at Penn expecting to hear, based on the results of my scans from Friday the 13th (spooky!) that the initial tumor has gotten bigger again and that I will need to leave the clinical trial and pursue other options. I'm expecting this, though I hope desperately to be wrong, and have a visit to my supervising oncologist at Dana-Farber in Boston planned for the 19th. From there I'll go to Christmas with my parents and New Year's with a friend in Colorado before returning home to whatever new treatment 2020 has in store.

Now, obviously I hate that I'm going through this at all. After I heard about the tumor growth last month I was crushed that I hadn't even managed to make the average time that participants in this particular trial found to make a positive difference (6 months...I got 4). And I still am crushed. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm over it ,or not furious, or not disappointed. But what I especially hate right now is that it feels seasonal and like it's going to ruin my holidays again and stretch on through all the coldest and most miserable months...just like last year. It's a series of bleak anniversaries that I was already dreading even when things were going well. And now that they're not, well, you can imagine how dread is compounded with fear, anger, and sadness.

Since not all of you were there (and since this blog did not exist) let me tell you a little about what it was like at this time last year. [Account below the cut]

As I said above, it was around now (December 19th, actually) that I first called my GP's office to talk to them about the lump I had been aware of (but not really concerned by) for a few weeks. It's likely that it was around for far longer than that - long enough, certainly, for me to be diagnosed Stage 4 from the start. There are a lot of reasons why I didn't "catch it" earlier. (I actually hate this phrasing. It makes it sound like I could or should have been more vigilant and thus bear responsibility for my own illness.) I won't go into them here except to say that the previous year had itself been the worst of my entire life. There was a lot of loss and it's not really an exaggeration to say that it annihilated me. But I was able, with the support of friends and family, to reconstitute myself. I was proud of having done it too. What I didn't realize, though, was that in rebuilding myself some parts were coming back...wrong, almost as though psychic damage had been written on a cellular level.

“Did you know?" "Could you tell?" Nearly everyone asks me these questions, or some variation on them, at some point. I would say that I’d like to ban them from all discussions except that they are all I think of all day, asking myself: Did I know? Could I tell? And (more accusatory) “Why didn’t I know? Why couldn’t I tell?”. Despite knowing better, I still often believe that I brought this upon myself. I believe that I should have noticed sooner or, when I did notice, I should have acted faster. But, the thing was, I just couldn’t stand for another thing to go so horribly wrong in my life. So when I look back at this time, the time before I was aware of a lump in my breast, I can hardly fault myself for not noticing. I first felt that something was wrong with the swelling in my breast that would not go down around Thanksgiving 2018. I Googled furiously and convinced myself repeatedly that it was probably hormones, a cyst, or an infection. I assessed my risk factors (0) and and the chance that something so terrible would happen to me right after this other terrible thing had happened.

Surely, I felt, the universe couldn’t be that cruel.

I called in mid-December and my doctor’s office told me it would be hard to fit me in around the holidays. What I described sounded like it was probably benign and, since my risk level was so low and since I had even had it confirmed that I was cancer-free in 2016 (when they did a spinal tap because my chronic fatigue was so bad and my white blood cell counts so high), they advised me just to come in when I was back in January. I stayed in St. Louis for a memorial service, celebrating the life of the woman who was effectively another grandmother to me--my parents’ oldest and dearest friend--and had a strange feeling the whole time. I remember sitting among her very many friends and family, surrounded by photographs and poetry and music and all the signs of how loved she was, thinking with an improbable certainty that people would soon be remembering me this way and hoping that they would say I had positively affected their lives as much as she had.

Meanwhile, the swelling was huge. It was hot to the touch and ached like a bruise. I tried to see this as a good thing; heat and redness mean infection, which meant it was probably mastitis. I was worried enough to call my parents’ doctor to ask if I should go into the cancer center at Barnes-Jewish Hospital. He said the same things about how unlikely it was and how it was probably infected. I saw my doctor when I returned and, worried, she nonetheless prescribed me a course of antibiotics. She was also hoping, I think, not to be confronted with the truth.

The antibiotics upset my stomach terribly as did my constant anxiety. After five days with no effect, she gave me a stronger one, which also did nothing. It was now ten days since I had talked to her, a full month since I had first called. She sent me for a biopsy. It was on the 21st of January. On the 24th I heard that the tumor was cancerous. On the 28th, I heard that my cancer was also in my lungs and that I would need more scans and MRIs to determine the full extent of the metastasis. Then the terrifying and seemingly endless cycle of scans and bad news began. I don’t want to rehearse that here, though these months hold a series of bad anniversaries for me. What I want to do is to say that, at a certain point, of course I knew. Unlike most people in my life, who regarded the biopsy almost as a formality, I absolutely thought that I had cancer. Maybe it was just because I try to prepare myself for the worst. (I was still notably unprepared for this.) But maybe it was because I knew my body, even on a subconscious level, and could tell something was amiss.

I do have a sense, too, of when treatments are working or not. I can’t tell you the extent of why I know, often, but the tumor itself is one indicator. It’s very large and when things aren’t working it gets even larger. It ambiently hurts all the time, in a way that is subtle and that it is easy to almost (but never) forget and that is too minimal to mention to people. (Actually, these past two days it has hurt so badly that it feels like someone punched me. I cannot take this to be a good sign.) Since I heard my latest results from my doctor a month ago the tumor has gotten bigger. I probe it all the time, examining myself in the mirror from different angles--bra off, bra on--like when I was so desperately hoping to grow real breasts in middle school. I assess how far it sticks out in one position vs. another and how red it is at certain times. I try to convince myself that the pain is hormonal, that the apparent growth is how I am standing. But that’s just repeating what I was doing at this same time last year, casting around hopefully for an explanation that isn’t the one I fear.

For tomorrow, I hope for the best, but I expect the worst. It may be that you think I’m too worried too soon; I know some of you may. And let me tell you that, although it's contrary to my nature in general, I would love to be wrong. I hope I am. I will do my best to share news here, even in a short post, since I know that those of you along for the journey will be anxious to know too. For tonight, I'm scared. I'm better able to cope with bad news once I know what it is and am able to make a plan or a choice - to exert some control. And I'm certainly (sad to say) not feeling much of the spirit of Christmas, which is a shame since I actually love it. If you have extra love or cheer or, heck, any Miracles on 34th Street (I'm willing to commute!) please send them my way.

Love, Bex

#my life as a cancer patient #breast cancer #stage 4 #mbc #health update #clinical trials #personal #bex writes

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thelioncourts · 4 years

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life update for anyone who is. interested or anything :)

so. to say the last few months have been stressful would be an understatement. and they’ve been so stressful for everyone. i dealt with a lot of the same, or similar, problems as people during the beginning of the pandemic: loss of income, school stresses, mental health deterioration, etc. but i pushed through, also like so so many strong people.

these last few weeks though have been the cherry on top of an already bizarre year.

my grandmother - who i hate - is dying of liver failure, kidney failure, and congestive heart failure. she was intended to be the primary caretaker for her father, my great-grandfather who is 91, but, to be honest, he’s in far better shape than she is. he just can’t walk around so easily. my mother, in turn, has quit her job to take care of them because they refuse to pay for in-home health care (refuse is an important word here; they have the money, they just. won’t). my mother has a heart of gold and despite all of our issues with her (and my mother has so many issues with my grandmother too (she’s my mother’s mother-in-law)) she can’t stand for them to be miserable and alone during this. my mother’s work was not kind to her during the pandemic and even less kind when she quit. and now our house is down a second income which means we are back to counting coupons and stuff. and it’s not end of the world by any means, but we haven’t been here in a while.

i’m back at work at the coffeeshop. i hate that place. it’s not the worst job, but like all food-service-esque jobs, dealing with a raging public and are severely understaffed, adding to the public’s rage. i make minimum wage. i deserve so much more, we all do.

as a human being and as a future educator as well, the black lives matter movement has been life changing to witness and to be part of in however i can (which, for me in this exact moment, involves signing all the petitions i can and sharing info. i have made a list of organizations i want to donate to when i have the money, but i don’t have that right now at all). i’ve been arguing and shutting down to the best of my ability racist family members and people i’ve had the displeasure of having to know in real-life via schooling and whatnot. it’s enraging. it’s a lot. and it’s opened my eyes even more to things i should have been more aware of.

my sister is having surgery this friday. she’s in anatomy II for school and was learning about different systems and learned about this thing called a thyroglossal cyst. she has one. the surgery to remove it is friday. anytime anyone goes into surgery is just. terrifying, and especially when it’s someone so important to me. and i can’t be there. they’re barely allowing my parents to be there with everything going on. they’re cutting into her neck. she was crying tonight, worrying about the scar. her birthday is next thursday too.

dad’s birthday is tuesday and father’s day is sunday. i have no idea what to do, besides cook. i know that’s all he actually wants (food is his heart) but. i feel like he deserves so much more and i don’t know where to go for anything or what to do.

i start classes tomorrow. i have two classes to take this summer then i student teach in the fall, if everything works out. i haven’t had time to check really anything the last few weeks given all of this going on and i feel like i’ve probably missed something i hope it’s nothing or nothing important but. my university, as i’ve said before, shut down permanently after the pandemic. it’s just. a lot. and these two classes seem utterly useless tbh. one is ‘technology in the classroom’ and it’s being taught by a professor that barely knows how zoom works.

i have a lump in my left breast that is extremely tender and my breast feels incredibly full. it might be nothing. i noticed it about six days ago, finally had my mom feel it today to tell me if i was being crazy or if it was real. she told me i need to make an appointment. it might be nothing, but the idea that it might be something has me so stressed and selfishly worried. and i really wish this could wait until i have my own health insurance so i don’t add anything to my parents’ or something.

all i want to do is workout, bike ride, cook, read books, and write, and i feel like if i do any of that i’m so far behind on everything. it’s been a lot. i’m trying to push through but i’m really tired. idk.

sorry this is so long for anyone that does read it. i appreciate you all so much, but if i’m not online a lot the next little bit. this is why. thank you for reading if you did. <3 sending all the good luck i can to everyone, i know we all need it.

#don't mind me #sorry. long post

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skippyv20 · 4 years

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Please Pray

Dear Skippy and Family,

I have had the strangest day. I had an appt. for a mammogram/sonogram. (I have dense breasts so always have to get both, despite my perky 34B’s.) I discovered a lump in my breast about 2 months ago. Unfortunately, in NY, it takes forever to get an appt., even with me calling every week to try to get an earlier appt. (My relatives in CT have told me that they can get an appt. in a few weeks.)

In any case, I was sitting in the waiting room, and was checking Skippy’s posts. And I came upon one that was for ‘all of the people who have medical appointments today.’ I was astonished! Skippy, are you reading my mind?!😉

Unfortunately, I was there forever (almost 3 hours), due to understaffing. (I incorrectly assumed that I was able to get an appt. today because nobody else would be there on the day before Thanksgiving; the next appts. were at the end of February.)

The technicians and the radiologist seemed very concerned. I was told that I need a biopsy, and was given a choice of doing it today or Monday. After having been there for 3 hours, I just wanted to escape, so I opted for Monday. In the past, I had a fibroid in my breast when I was in college, so I’m hoping that this is the same thing. But unfortunately, my oldest sister had breast cancer a few years ago (she is fine now.) I honestly have no idea how genes work. Maybe someone can help me understand? For example, I am 5’8” and live a very healthy lifestyle, whereas my sister (who had breast cancer) is 5’ and eats lots of junk food. And my brother, who eats junk food, drinks a lot, and smokes cigars is overweight and diabetic. My other sister, who is on a gluten-free diet, is very healthy, except that she is prone to sprained ankles and such. Idk why. As far as I can tell, the only thing that we all have in common is sinus infections. Oh, and blue eyes.

I am not freaking out at this point. I believe that everything is in God’s hands, and there is nothing that I can do to change that. The one thing that I am struggling with, is that, perhaps, I didn’t take as good care of myself in the last few years as I’ve always done in the past. I think I’ve mentioned here that two people who I loved very much were both quite ill for about 3 years, and they both died in 2018. So I can honestly say that I was so involved with their health issues (and my desire to spend as much time with them as possible) that I wasn’t on top of my own health for a few years. (Except for my teeth; they’re excellent 😃. Luckily, I have a dentist who texts me every 6 months to remind me to make an appt.; and, despite the fact that I’m terrified of going to the dentist, I still go.) I honestly believe that every health care practitioner should do this, but that’s another story for another day.

In any case, I’d love to hear anyone’s input, and prayers are definitely welcome (and needed.)

Oh, I almost forgot an important detail. By the end of my time there, I was starving, as I hadn’t eaten since breakfast. A stranger, who was also waiting for an appointment, offered me a KIND bar. I gratefully accepted it and thanked her profusely. That’s my new definition of the word ‘Thanksgiving’.

Love and thanks to all. x

NYCAnon

You know when I did that post for prayers having medical appointments, I was thinking of a couple of prayer requests I had done, and at that exact moment I thought…wait what about anyone going for medical tests today….there is no such thing as coincidences. God obviously wanted you to see that! To give your comfort.

Genetics are tricky. One sibling can have a gene and the other might not….who knows.

My advice is don’t forecast…live in the moment. Spend time between now and Monday watching comedies….laughter never hurts. And just relax…because God has it all figured out for you….and yes, prayers are on the way,🙏🏻❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Prayers for Anon who is having a biopsy done on Monday. We pray anon stays calm. We pray the test goes well and she receives good results. We pray that she remains healthy. We pray that Anon will not be scared. We pray Anon holds tight her faith. God Bless Anon.🙏🏻💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

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gifted-burnout-archive · 4 years

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Codename: Candy

Part Ten - Coincidental Encounters

Word Count - 1676

Author’s Note: so, decided to go for a female oc, just made it easier for me to work on the story. I hope you still enjoy, I think it’s for the best. Also, I’ll. be getting on the masterlist in the next day or so, so not long now!

"Bank statement references?" Hawkins questioned, raising an eyebrow. Jack glanced at Candy, who nodded.

"We think that one of Roland's advisors, if not Roland himself, has been using mobile banking apps to communicate with clients. If we track each of the shell companies, whenever the sum of 2.4 million is reached by an anonymous donator over the six accounts, there is always an amount of money sent back from the last shell they paid into. X amount for yes, Y amount for no." Jack started.

"These secure apps allow you to give about 20 characters of detail as you why you are paying a person. And the texts shared between one of our detained men and a higher up confirm that instruction were sent with the money transfers." Candy continued. "For those he decided to meet, a location could be sent, perhaps a date and time... We need access to find out." Hawkins thought for a moment, tapping her manicured nails on the desk.

"Ryan, could you call Colonel Rogers, ask him to ask about these money transfers directly? I don't doubt this theory's credibility... But I need a definite statement from a source if we want to do this all above book. The last thing any of us need is a lawsuit from a bank over privacy breaching laws." Hawkins suggested, and Jack nodded. "Get back to me by tomorrow, and see if we can confirm the sightings rumoured on Monday. Thank you both for coming to me first." She nodded, and the pair left, Jack quickly dialling up Rogers, knowing he wouldn't be asleep.

"Colonel? It's Jack... I need you to talk with one of the detainees again..." Jack smiled at Candy before disappearing down the hallway to take the call. She smiled back, taking the chance to calm her nerves by heading downstairs to the gun range in the basement, smiling as she waved a friendly hello to Matt, who tilted his head over to a free bay. Taking a pair of earplugs, rolled her shoulder and cracked her neck, sending a pain down her arm she hadn't felt since she was shot. There had been a full pain, sure, but the spike sent her to gripping the wall, taking a few deep breaths to balance herself. Once the pain settled, she took off her blazer and unholstered her gun.

"You sure you know how to use that thing, sweetheart?" A voice called out, a man walking over from the adjacent stall, taking little shame in looking her over. "Maybe you need a pro to show you how it's done?" He winked, and Candy couldn't help the laugh that escaped her mouth.

"Aha... Uh, thanks, but I know how to use a gun." She replied, raising her eyebrow at him, almost daring him to continue.

"You learning how to shoot on your daddy's ranch isn't going to help you in the field." He was quick with snap back, and took the gun from her suddenly, moving in beside her. "So, what you want to do is aim just below the target, you know how to reload pistols?" He asked, firing a shot into the car at the far end of the hall to show her.

"You missed..." She commented, and the guy looked down at her.

"That was a head shot!" He exclaimed, and Candy called the card up. The hole grazed the side of the head. He spluttered over his words, "I wasn't trying, let me show you how it's done properly." He started, but Candy took her gun back, send the card out and firing four shots as it moved back to position. She reloaded the gun with a new ammo clip in no more than five seconds, firing another five shots, before calling the card back.

She had managed six on target head shots, and the other three over the heart area of the chest.

"Now, I don't know about you... But I think that's a pretty good-looking card, don't you?" She asked, pressing her heel into his foot. The man doubled over, letting out a groan of pain. "Now, you fucking asshole, back the fuck up. Or I'll give you something real to cry about." She hissed, lifting her heel and pushing him out of her stall, removing the card and putting a new one up, calling on Matt for another gun.

—

Candy left the range about an hour later, handing in her cards and earplugs to Matt, receiving fresh ammo for her registered gun back in return. She glanced at her phone, a reminder pinging for her appointment, and she rushed up to the ground floor, hailing a cab and jumping in.

"Washington Memorial please, fast as possible." She asked, and the cab sped away. The drive was only ten minutes or so, and she managed to be on time for the appointment.

"Hi, Sorry, I have an appointment at 12.30? Lieutenant Jones?" She asked, a little out of breath. The nurse at reception, typed in the details, and nodded. "Room 1.43, just down that hall and on your left." She smiled, and Candy nodded, making her way down the hallway and knocking 1.43.

"Come in!" A voice called, and she entered, meeting a blonde haired woman. "Oh! You aren't Johnathon." She said. "How can I help you?"

"I think I have the wrong room... I'm looking for Dr. Kahn? I have an appointment with him?" Candy spoke up, and the doctor urged her into the room.

"He had an emergency upstairs... By the badge however, I suppose you can't really wait around. If you're ok with it, I can get you sorted? I just finished my shift." The doctor offered, and Candy nodded, closing the door and shrugging off her blazer and holster before sitting on the table.

"Sorry, I'm Jones." Candy introduced herself, smiling at the doctor.

"Dr Mueller." She responded, slipping on a fresh pair of gloves and smiling. "This is the first one of these I've done in a while..." she told Candy, gesturing for her to remove her blouse.

"Where are you usually?" Candy asked, winching as she shrugged off the blouse, her shoulder sparking with pain again.

"Epidemiology..." Mueller responded, frowning at the fresh blood seeping through her bandage. "You seem to have popped your stitches... When were you shot?" She asked, walking over to the drawers and finding surgical thread and a needle. She removed the bandages slowly, examining the damage.

"Uh... Four days ago?" Candy guessed, and Mueller looked up.

"You were shot four days ago and you are already active again?" Mueller gestured to the gun.

"Not really... Well, I was down at the gun range, some douche needed to be put in his place." Candy laughed through the pain of the first stitch being sewn.

"Was it really worth it?" Mueller asked, trying her best to stitch neatly.

"100%..." Candy glanced over, and began again. "I flew in from Afghanistan, got shot there." She explained.

"Intelligence or infantry?" Mueller asked, not looking away from her work.

"Special Forces."

"How long?"

"Just finishing my tenth year active." Candy winced a little.

"You don't look the age to be ten years active..." Mueller complimented, and Candy smiled. "Why are you back in Virginia?"

"New case... My boss actually forced me here, put a reminder on my phone when I wasn't looking." Candy smirked, Mueller finishing her stitches and re-bandaging the shoulder, then turning her attention to her arm.

"Glad he did, your bandages were getting unhygienic." Mueller informed her, replacing her arm gauze and bandage. "Watch your shoulder, you pop those stitches again and you'll be scarred for life."

"Scarring isn't something I'm unfamiliar with Doctor." Candy responded, and the doctor frowned.

"Front or back?" She asked, and Candy felt suddenly exposed. She looked away.

"Does it matter?" Candy asked dismissively.

"Lieutenant could you remove your undershirt for me? I need to make sure you don't have any undocumented damages." Mueller instructed, and helped Candy pull the shirt over her head. Candy took a shaky breath, turning round for Mueller to inspect.

"What caused this?" Mueller asked, assessing the extensive damage. The scar tissue was extensive, the Lieutenant's entire back marked by varying degrees of scarring. She initially suspected a IED, but upon close inspection, some of the scars were nearly perfect circles. Mueller came round to her front, more long thin scars across her front, one running around a breast, and the same circular markings.

"I got myself into a bit of a tricky situation in Iraq." Candy responded, and after Mueller glared her, and gulped. "I was a POW for four months... I didn't talk so..." Candy trailed off, trying to swallow the lump in her throat.

"Ever gets aches in the the lowers section of your back, or spasms?" Mueller asked, and Candy shook her head. "Neck pain?" Mueller questioned again.

"Occasionally, nothing severe." Candy shrugged, and Mueller nodded.

"Could you step on the scales for me Lieutenant, removing your shoes first?" She asked, and Candy did so, looking up as her weight was taken, and standing still as body fat was calculated. "And reflexes. Take a seat." The testing was complete in a matter of minutes, and Mueller smiled.

"I'll going to prescribe you a painkiller, stronger stuff than what you get in Target. Should stop the spamming in your arm while it heals. I implore you to be careful, no two handed weapons for another week at least, give the stitches some chance to work. But apart from that, you are cleared." Mueller signed a piece of paper, handing it to her with a small box of pills. "Once a day for the next fourteen days."

"Thank you Doctor... Epidemiology got a good doctor in their ranks." Candy smiled, pulling her undershirt back on and buttoning her shirt, bolstering her gun and slipping into her blazer.

"Nice to meet you Lieutenant." Mueller nodded, and Candy headed back out to the taxi rank, jumping in and heading back to the office.

—

Tags: @iwantthedean

#fanfic #fanfiction #jack ryan #john krasinski #tom clancy #codename candy #army #female oc #jack ryan x female oc #cathy mueller #part ten #cia

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qualquercoisa945 · 5 years

Text

These New Walls Are Pretty Hard To Crack

ao3 link

title inspiration- arms unfolding by dodie

okay first of all picking a title was so hard because so many lines fit so w e l l with that out of the way, this is also a birthday gift for my girl @the-quiet-winds, so go wish her a happy birthday and give her tons of love!!! she more than deserves it. so hey, julie, whenever you read this, i love you. i know we've only known each other for a few months but you genuinely became one of my closest friends very, very quickly, and i'm so fucking glad you're in my life. i love you so so so so so much <3 <3 with the sappy stuff out of the way, this is probably the second to last chapter of this fic. i'm hella proud of myself for managing to go this far with a passion project for so long, and i can only hope there are many more to come!! so, with all that out of the way, enjoy the second to last chapter of the kitty snaps fic. hope you all like it <3

trigger warnings- implied cancer mentions, it’s really tiny but just in case. be safe guys, gals and non binary pals <3

A part of Catherine had been tempted to go after Kath the moment she’d ran to her room after blowing up on them.

The rest of her knew that doing that would only scare off the already skittish girl, and after such an emotional outburst, she knew it was the worst possible move.

So she’d spent the following day closed off in her room, only leaving to get the lunch that Jane typically left for her in the kitchen at 1 pm, as per her usual routine on days off.

The following few days, unlike most weeks during which nothing noteworthy happened to separate them, didn’t blur together, instead seeming to drag on with two more personal than usual conversations to mark two separate days, and also as she watched her fellow queens’ reaction to Kath’s outburst.

In all honesty, Catherine herself fully agreed with everything Kath had said- the fact that Henry didn’t love her was a realization she’d come to terms a good while ago, and while she definitely wouldn’t have told them as harshly as Kath had, she understood that emotions could easily prevent one from acting rationally.

Anne seemed to be the one Kath stuck with more, and adding that with the footsteps she’d heard late at night on their day off, she’d assumed the pair had talked then. Anna and Aragon seemed to just go on as usual, although Anna did seem more tense than normal.

And then there was Jane. The woman seemed to have retreated into her shell, avoiding the others as much as possible. And then using the doctor’s appointment excuse? Needless to say, Catherine was quite worried about her.

Thus, right as they got home the day of Jane’s appointment, Catherine pulled her to her room-turned-study. “Okay, what’s been going on with you?”

In all fairness, Catherine had acted a bit on impulse- she didn’t exactly know what she was expecting Jane to do. But for her to immediately sigh and stare at the ground was not exactly what she expected. Especially because it looked as if Jane was about to explain what she had been up to, and Jane didn’t open up easily.

“Everything’s fine. They thought they’d found a lump in my breast, and thought it was…” She nodded to the side, and Catherine grimaced at that. “It wasn’t actually anything, but better safe than sorry.” Catherine nodded, taking her hand. “So that’s why you’ve been so closed off.” Jane nodded, her eyes still trained on the ground. “Well, I’m glad it wasn’t actually anything. Go rest, yeah? I’d assume tonight was quite the emotional roller coaster.” She gave her fellow queen a soft smile, one that was sheepishly returned.

“I will. And so should you.” Catherine’s smile faltered slightly at Jane’s pointed tone, though she didn’t give any more of a response until Jane continued. “I’m serious, Catherine. You need rest.”

Catherine gave her a soft sigh, nodding with a weak smile. “I’ll do my best.”

“That’s all I can ask of you, love.”

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And that was how, if you really cared to know, Catherine had found out just what had been going on with the usually outgoing queen. Though she was fairly sure the other queens hadn’t a clue what had happened to Jane, she also wasn’t one to force someone to come forward about it, and so she stayed silent.

It was two days later, on their first two show day of the week, when Catherine had the second talk of the week.

It was after their first show, and it started with Catherine sitting alone in her shared dressing room with Kath and Jane while reading, when Kath walked in, back from her usual post-show walk with Anna, though Catherine didn’t have much of a reaction to her beyond looking up when she came in.

The pair stayed in silence for a few minutes, both ignoring the clear tension so thick you could cut through it with a knife, before Catherine finally decided to bite the bullet, closing her book. “You weren’t wrong, the other day.”

“Uh?”

Catherine gave an amused smile at her inelegant response. “Last week, about Henry? You weren’t wrong.” She elaborated softly. “I’m sure someone else has already told you that, but still.”

Kath nodded slowly, then spoke up. “I’m sor-” “Don’t.” Catherine cut her off, giving the younger queen a gentle smile as she looked up in slight shock. “Really, I don’t hold anything against you. It sounded like you’d been keeping that in for quite a while.” She sighed softly, scooting her chair over to sit closer to Kath. “I just want to know, why’d you keep it in for so long?”

Kath seemed to fold into herself, staring at the table ahead of her, and Catherine was about to tell her to forget it when she spoke up.

“I was scared.” Kath seemed to surprise herself with her admission, and Catherine would’ve replied if Kath hadn’t kept talking. “I was scared, that you guys would just, shut it down. That’s all that had happened with… with them.” Kath gave a soft sigh. “So I put new walls up. And walls are even harder to crack if you put them up yourself.”

Catherine watched her for a second, then gave a mournful smile. “Agreed.” She began softly. “But that doesn’t mean you need to do it on your own. You’ve got people on your corner now, kid. You don’t need to run away anymore.”

Kath gave her a soft smile, and Catherine was about to continue when she noticed a slight haze covering Kath’s eyes.

The next 15 seconds were a blur Catherine’s “Is something wrong?” went unheard, and before she knew it, she was reaching forward to catch the younger queen as her eyes closed and she fell forward, unconscious.

#six the musical #katherine howard #catherine parr #jane seymour #six the musical fanfiction #but it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand

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amandaoftherosemire · 5 years

Text

Lightning Strikes Part Eight

Fandom: Marvel Avengers AU

Pairing: Thor Odinson X Reader

Characters: Thor Odinson, Loki Odinson, Valkyrie, OFC Astrid, OMC Halvar

Author: @amandaoftherosemire

Rating: Mature

Word Count: 5,692

Format: Series (Complete)

Warning: Language, angst

Summary: Thor spends some time brooding and missing you. You deal with Loki and a gift you’re pretty sure you don’t want.

A/N: I don’t know if marijuana helps creativity, but I do know I was high when I wondered what it would look like if Korg and Miek tried to put together IKEA furniture. I also know that imagining it made me laugh so hard I fell off my couch.

Part Seven: Sublimation here

Aphelion

Thor sat in the giant leather executive chair behind the enormous oak desk in his office, staring resentfully out the window. He liked this chair. Tony had sent it to him in pieces for some reason, but Miek and Korg had managed, over the course of a week and with only one bout of tears, to assemble it into a sturdy throne.

He was grateful, both to Korg and Miek for the assembly, but also to Tony for the thoughtfulness. He hadn't understood why Tony had laughed so hard when he'd thanked him for the chair that shared a name with one of Thor's great-uncles, but he appreciated the gift regardless.

He especially liked that he could put his hands behind his head and rest them against the wings of leather around him. It was the most comfortable way to hate Tuesdays.

Thor despised Tuesday afternoons with every fiber of his being. The only thing keeping the clouds from smothering the hated sunshine pouring through the window was Thor's determined effort to not call them. His mood would have drawn the thunderstorm long before otherwise. Still, he couldn't punish others for his mistakes.

Even the pilot of the jet from New York, the cause of all this hate and resentment.

Tuesday afternoons the jet from New York came, unloaded, reloaded, then left. He knew now that hadn't been the plan. The plan had been for the jet to stay, along with the only joy he'd found after the loss of his home. He hated Tuesdays because it was supposed to be the day you came back to him. Instead, because he had been a fool and a coward, that jet held nothing he wanted anymore.

He was especially infuriated with himself because he’d known better. He'd known you were even more loyal than you were beautiful within only a few days in your company. If he'd asked himself, he would have been certain he could trust you, down to his bones. But he'd allowed the poison his father’s advisers had dripped into his ear to convince him to assign his newly appointed spymaster to the task.

Thor had already decided to ask you to live with him when the final report had been submitted along with a snotty lecture about hypocrisy. Loki had concluded that your loyalty to Thor was unassailable and suggested that those who had been so worried about a human spy in their midst might perhaps have things to hide.

If only he’d told you the truth before you’d found out for yourself in such an awful way. You were so amazing, so understanding of all the fucking bullshit that went hand in hand with his birthright, his burden. If he’d told you the truth, explained the why of it, apologized, perhaps you’d be coming home right now.

“What time is it?” The lump currently taking up space on the couch under the window spoke from under the purple and yellow baseball cap. Her long legs were tightly encased in jeans and crossed at the calves stretched out across the couch. Her arms were crossed, and she’d pulled the cap down to cover her eyes.

Until she spoke, Thor had thought she’d been asleep.

He glanced at the clock, then answered with a sigh, “Five after two.”

To his astonishment, she sat up immediately, pushing the cap back to reveal the dark beauty underneath. “Shit, she'll be here soon.” With that, Valkyrie jumped to her feet and headed with long strides toward the door.

Thor shook himself out of his brood, suspicious of her sudden leap into action. “Who will?”

“The jet from New York should have something for me.” Valkyrie wasn't going to stop, but the look of astonishment had her pausing at the door and rolling her eyes. She adored Thor, but he had a weird habit of dissociating when he was depressed. Not a terribly great characteristic in a king, but at least he wasn't a homicidal maniac.

Still, she considered it part of her duties to kick Thor in the ass whenever he needed it. She'd decided.

He needed it.

He'd brooded long enough. He was obviously not going to get over you, so it was time for him to try to win you back. To be truthful, Valkyrie liked you immensely. Your reaction to what had happened had earned her respect. Spending time with you had earned her friendship. Bringing her delicious top-shelf liquor had earned her undying love.

“Your majesty, you might want to actually look out that window from time to time," she sneered, "or actually talk to your people." At this, pure disdain settled onto her face and had Thor fully paying attention to her. "You know, instead of only listening to the idiots that appointed themselves the people's representatives.”

The next second, she was gone, the door closing with a slam behind her. Thor turned his chair back to the window and stared at a cloud that hung perfectly framed by the panes of glass. He frowned, mulling over Valkyrie's words, her tone, her expressions. He started to wonder what he would see if he walked to the window and looked out. What could be happening out there?

Not much later, Thor was getting to his feet and wandering over to the window. As he did, the Wakandan jet that had been meant to bring his heart back to him was settling down on the helipad at the back of the manor house. To his surprise, a crowd of Asgardian children were running toward the jet cheering, with his brother, Astrid, and Valkyrie following behind at a walk.

When the hatch opened and you walked out, lovely legs in tight jeans and boots, a t-shirt with Captain America's shield emblazoned across your breasts, and a bright smile for the crowd there to greet you, Thor felt the loss of you like a physical stab to the gut, a spasm of pain rocking through him. Had he been sitting here hating the world every Tuesday when you were right outside his house the whole time?

Part of him wanted to run outside, snatch you up, and imprison you in his bedroom until he could convince you that he hadn't meant any of it. He wanted to apologize, swear he hadn't needed a shred of proof to believe in you. He wanted to show you he regretted it more than almost anything he'd ever done, promise he'd never hurt you like that again. He held himself back, knowing that he had no right to even a moment of your time. He also had a healthy respectful fear of you and was certain you'd find a way to make him regret such high-handed behavior. In all the realms, he'd never met another like you.

In all his centuries, he'd never loved another the way he loved you.

That you stood in his kingdom despite it all gave him hope that you would listen if he ran outside and begged for your forgiveness. Whether you'd forgive him or not, you'd at least hear him out. You were too fair, too kind to do otherwise. But Thor had decided that fate had spoken. He was meant to let you go. He could never give you everything you deserved. As such, he would not be so selfish as to beg you to return to him. Even if he deserved you, you deserved more.

Thor frowned when you embraced all three adults, even as the children milled around you. You even took Loki's face in your hands and pulled his cheek down for a kiss, smiling into his eyes.

How the FUCK had his brother weaseled his way back into your good graces when Thor hadn't even known you were in his kingdom?

You ducked back inside the jet only to emerge a few moments later holding an open box. Fascinated, Thor watched you start pulling out items from said box and passing them to the children who still circled you expectantly.

This had become one of your favorite parts of the week. Despite the fact that visiting New Asgard sent a spasm of pain, anger, and regret through you every time you arrived and every time you left, there was still joy to be found here.

After you and Thor had broken up, Pepper had made it clear that they could easily assign another pilot to the New Asgard run. She’d have worked with you in any way you needed to make things okay after what had happened, feeling responsible since she’d asked you to entertain Loki. You’d considered letting her rearrange things for you once again, though you didn’t blame her at all. She had only been concerned with keeping the peace and would have never knowingly put you in such a position.

You thought about walking away from New Asgard and everyone in it. It would have been easier.

Easier wasn’t better, though. You’d wanted the new job, the new responsibilities. You’d been excited to take on new challenges and you didn’t see any reason to let Thor stand in the way of that. You’d never let a failed relationship dictate your behavior in the past; you didn’t see any reason to start now.

Which is how, over the past few months, you’d made an odd little place for yourself on the periphery of Asgardian society. At first, it had only been Astrid to come greet you every Tuesday. Then, Halvar had come with questions about Midgard candy.

Halvar was a small child with a shock of blond hair, bright blue eyes, and ridiculously charming dimples. He looked to be about seven years old, but you weren’t sure how Asgardian aging worked so he could be older than you in years for as far as you knew.

He had surprised you on your fourth Tuesday run when he’d tapped gently on your arm. You’d been supervising the cargo trade and pointedly ignoring the dark god that grinned at you from the balcony. You’d been trying not to notice the other conspicuous absence.

Halvar had been designated by the children as their representative. As such, he had come to ask what the King’s Midgardian lady might know of something called chocolate.

You had been delighted to tell him everything you knew. The following Tuesday, a small group of Asgardian children were waiting for you to ask further questions. Instead, they were rewarded with their first taste of milk chocolate. You’d started simple, with high-quality plain chocolate squares from your favorite chocolatier in New York.

The look of wonder that crossed each sweet little face as the flavor hit made up for the fifth week in a row that you’d seen neither hide nor hair of Thor. Astrid’s near sexual moan of pleasure as she sampled the sweet had you laughing out loud and lifted some of the clouds that still hung around you. That had been the beginning of a routine, and a new place for you on the fringe of Asgardian society.

You’d somehow become their connection for Midgard specialties. You were more than happy to help with special requests, which is why your cargo on this day included first edition books for Loki, insanely expensive moisturizer for Astrid, hundred-year-old scotch for Valkyrie.

And a box full of packets of Fun Dip for the children.

You'd discovered when looking for a retail outlet that sold candy in bulk that you could not simply buy the dipping sticks by themselves and found it offensive to the point of heresy. Why did we even invent the internet?

The children, under the watchful eye of both Astrid and Valkyrie (Loki didn't care, and the children knew it), were waiting patiently as you tore the tops off and placed the lik-a-stik in each little hand. Halvar received an approving look from you when he nibbled a little at the end once you had the children taste them. You and that kid were simpatico, for all you were born on different planets.

When he placed the stick covered in powder in his mouth, then looked at the sugar stick like he preferred it by itself, you laughed out loud. Halvar was a pistol; you could tell he was going to be a force to be reckoned with based on the streak of stubborn you could see in the set of his chin. You wouldn't be surprised if he ran his parents ragged now.

Thor couldn't tell what exactly you were doing, but it looked like you were sharing some treat with the crowd that assembled around you. Even the Asgardians unloading the jet stopped to try whatever you had brought. To their king's astonishment, they seemed to be easy with you, their body language speaking of joking and the good-natured jostling of camaraderie.

As the cargo trade finished, the children wandered off, little paper pouches in their hands. He watched you trade hugs with Astrid, the housemaid, and Valkyrie, before they walked away, both carrying boxes you'd given them. Loki dawdled, however, making Thor's eye narrow in suspicion.

Once the two of you were alone, Loki stepped forward. He'd noticed your gaze avoiding the house and inwardly smirked. Even you had your tells. Your stubborn affection for his idiot of a brother gave you away when little else did. Loki knew you were still in love with the oaf, though you no longer scanned for his approach with anxious but hopeful eyes.

Loki was well aware that Thor could win you back easily. All he'd have to do is be honest about what he'd done, why he'd done it, and how he felt about it and you'd end up forgiving him. He'd never met a harder bitch with a softer center. You loved Thor. You hadn't stopped.

Loki had absolutely no intention of telling Thor any of that. He also hadn't told Thor that you visited New Asgard every Tuesday. Nor had he told his brother that you and he were friends again. He'd kept to himself his suspicions that you were slowly being absorbed into the soldier and his feral dog's relationship. There were worlds of information he hadn't shared with Thor when it came to you.

For example…

"Your turn, dear one," he said with a wicked smile and a flourish, bringing a box of his own into view. His, however, was made of wood almost black with age. The surface was carved over its entire surface with symbols and sigils that could be read by only a few people even within the borders of New Asgard.

You looked at the box that had shimmered into being in Loki's hand with a skeptically raised eyebrow. Whatever was in it, you already felt like Pandora just looking at it. "Uh-huh, what's in it?" you asked, a half smile curving your mouth, and made no move to take it.

Loki's smile widened. He loved how affectionate you were in your complete mistrust of him. You believed nothing he said without question, but you also seemed to always react with humor rather than anger. At least since you'd stopped punishing him for his earlier deceptions. Truthfully, you'd been remarkably forgiving for that considering that he hadn't apologized.

"A present for you, love." Loki had stopped bothering to pretend he didn't adore you. He could have maintained the pretense that he had only befriended you to spy for Thor, but he saw no reason to deprive himself of your company.

You narrowed your eyes in suspicion. "Is it a present I want? Or are you fucking with me?"

"Yes?" Loki looked earnest, but you could tell by the twinkle in his eye that he was teasing you.

Still a touch reluctant, you reached out to take the box. Hopefully, you weren't going to regret this. You examined the box, discovering when you went to open it that it appeared to be one solid piece of wood. "What is this?"

"A choice." Loki's eyes were dancing and making you vaguely nervous. "I'll tell you how to open it later."

"Okay." You scowled at him, tucking the box under your arm. "It's not gonna blow up or anything, right?" You were asking mostly for form; you didn't really think Loki would put you in harm's way. You were pretty sure he had a soft spot for you, but you couldn’t be certain of anything when it came to the Odinson brothers anymore.

Loki's eyes softened ever so slightly and reassured you before he even opened his mouth. He was thinking it was a shame that remaining loyal to his brother had meant betraying you. He didn’t mind that you didn’t trust him, but he disliked that you were no longer sure of his affection for you. He would not have had it so.

“Of course not, dear one," he replied with a slow, wicked smile. "How would that entertain me?"

"I'm not going to give you ideas for how to make blowing me up entertaining." You turned with a roll of your eyes and began to walk toward the jet. Loki followed you, laughing, to place a hand on your shoulder. Spinning you around, he gave you one of his rare hugs.

"Don't try to open it without me," he said as he pulled back to frown sternly at you. "Promise me."

"Okay," you retorted, sneering a little, "weirdo, I promise."

Loki smiled again, knowing you, at least, could be counted upon to keep your promises. He reached out to brush the backs of those long, artist's fingers down your cheek. "I'll see you soon, love." Once Loki had started calling you 'love', you'd realized that the tone, the timbre of his voice was the same as it had been on the word 'pet'. You weren't sure to feel worse about the new endearment or better about the old.

Because it made your heart hurt, you opted not to think about it. If he didn't care for you, nothing about your current situation changed. If he meant it, if he truly did have a soft spot for you, to call it into question would hurt him unnecessarily. You didn't want to hurt Loki, or Thor for that matter. You just wanted to stop hurting, yourself.

"I can't wait," you said, sardonically, a wry half-smile on your lips to soften your sarcasm. "I gotta go. I want to get ahead of the storm."

For a fraction of a second, Loki didn't understand. When he did, he wanted to laugh aloud. His brother's timing was almost perfect, as per usual. He leaned in and brushed his mouth quickly, chastely against yours. You didn't respond, simply stared at him in astonishment. He smiled wickedly, causing your expression to shift into amused exasperation.

You didn't know what Loki was up to, but you were sure you wanted no part of it. You decided not to get in any deeper than you already were. "Goodbye, Loki," you called out as you turned away again. The last thing you heard as the hatch closed behind you was the sound of the god's mischievous laughter.

As Loki walked back to the manor house, he looked up to meet Thor's furious gaze in the window on the third floor.

Loki smiled.

Thor sat on the cliffs, watching the clouds boil. He knew he should rein it in, that his people as well as those across the fjord didn't deserve to bear the brunt of his foul temper. He couldn't do it, though, too lost in bitter pain and rage. He'd held off as long as he could, but the storm in his blood would be denied no longer.

He wasn’t the sort of man who enjoyed dwelling on the mistakes of the past. He knew he’d go mad if he spent too much time looking back. As long lived as his kind was, they had ample opportunity for regret. The only way to survive was to look forward.

Considering the mistakes he’d made in recent years, why this one should plague him so was a mystery. Even before he’d laid eyes on you once again, he’d been tormented by the loss of you.

Now, however, he'd been reminded of the sparkle of your smile, the arrogance in your walk, that sexy hip-shot stance in response to any challenge. He missed you so much it was like a physical ache. Knowing you were only a quick flight away had been torture. To now know that you visited his home every single week was agony. The temptation to go crawling back to you, begging for another chance was going to be excruciating.

The only reason he hadn't yet was he'd thought you'd be happier away from him and the insanity that followed him. Only now he'd discovered that you had remained friends with Astrid, become friends with Valkyrie, and become friends, again, with his blasted brother. Thor had been denying himself the pleasure of your company only to discover that not a single member of his household had done the same.

The confrontation with Loki had been ugly, for a lot of reasons, not least of which was that Loki had the moral high ground for once. He'd never pretended to be anything but what he was, an unrepentant liar and trickster, which is why, apparently, you had let him back into your good graces. Thor doubted he'd find it so easy to win you back.

Because for all his brother's flaws, he'd been absolutely correct. Loki had been oddly honest with you, proving his affection. He would not have bothered to give you what honesty he could in the midst of a deception had he not cared about you. Thor wasn't the least surprised that you could see that. You saw Loki more clearly than most.

Unfortunately for him, you'd seen only what Thor had wanted you to see. The day you'd found out he'd asked Loki to spy on you for him was etched with painful clarity across his memory. You had been utterly blindsided, had not even considered suspecting him of subterfuge before that moment. He had seen the betrayal on your face, was so intimately familiar with the pain of that emotion, he'd been unable to offer any defense beyond the weakest expression of remorse.

You had been unimpressed, and rightly so. If he had it to do over again, he'd tell you he never really distrusted you. He'd heard no end of mindless fearmongering from his father's advisers and had believed none of it. He'd fully expected Loki to prove you true, had in fact counted on it. He'd wanted to quiet their groundless terrors once and for all.

And that was all information he should have shared with you long before you found out by overhearing he and his brother arguing about it. If he had it to do over again, he'd have faced you with the truth as soon as Loki had given the final report to said advisers. He'd betrayed you twice; you'd been right to walk away.

Thor had let you go for a reason, and that reason hadn't changed. He carried nothing but pain with him. He'd already hurt you enough; he wouldn't risk hurting you again.

"Okay," you sneered at the man that had just shimmered into being on the couch in the living area of your quarters at the Avengers compound. "What bullshit are you up today?" You nodded at the piquant box he'd given you earlier in the day on the coffee table in front of the couch. You'd set it there and waited, knowing Loki would be paying you one of his hologram visits before your day was over.

You weren't disappointed, though it was much later than you expected, closer to midnight. You wondered what could have happened in New Asgard that could have had him occupied until nearly dawn his time. He didn't offer an explanation, simply smiled indulgently.

"I beg your pardon, dear one," he demurred, his eyes twinkling with good-natured mischief. You narrowed yours in response. "It is nothing dangerous, I promise." He was laughing, but you could see the tension around his eyes.

"To open it, you must trace the waxing crescent moon to the ridge of the mountains. From there you follow the path through the valley into the winter sun." His lips were twitching, and he looked entirely too pleased with himself.

When he had appeared, you had been pouring a much-needed glass of wine. You could have sworn you'd seen Thor earlier that day in a third-floor window, watching you. Your heart had raced, but you'd been able to resist the urge to run inside and punch him until he hurt as badly as he'd hurt you. You'd vowed to hold on to your temper and your tears on the day you'd decided to keep the New Asgard run.

Swirling the pinot noir in your overly full glass, you sat casually on the couch next to Loki, crossing your legs with a dubious smile on your face. "Uh-huh." You lifted an eyebrow. "What's in the box? And it better not be a head."

"Why would it be a head?" When you opened your mouth to explain the reference, he lifted his hand to stop you. "Don't answer. I don't care. Open it and look."

Your eyes narrowed even further, your lips twisted in suspicion. Still, he seemed to be having fun-fun, not mean-fun, so you figured you could risk opening the thing. You leaned forward and set your wineglass on one of the agate slices that served as coasters to protect the dark oak of the coffee table. You grabbed the dark box Loki had given you earlier and sat back, settling it in your lap. You shot Loki a look from under skeptical eyebrows.

Turning your attention to the box, you were taken by the beauty of the thing. It wasn’t large, but rectangular in shape and a little smaller than a brick. Its surface was shiny and nearly black with age. But for the symbols and sigils carved deeply into the wood, you would have thought the object made of obsidian, so smooth and glassy was the surface between the carvings. Almost immediately, your eye was caught by the elaborate crescent with the horns facing left along one of the thin, long sides.

Your finger reached out and delicately traced the curling pattern within the crescent. When you reached the end, the entire symbol began to glow a white-edged blue. Your finger followed a jagged line that reached around and ran along the edge of one of the thin, short sides. From there a winding, curving line through symbols and runes that you couldn't translate across the other long, thin side through a dipping 'U' shape. Finally, your finger followed the line into a spiral on one of the large faces. The spiral itself nestled into a symbol strangely reminiscent of a sun within a snowflake.

Once the line that traveled through all the symbols was lit with that bluish-white light, a seam in the wood appeared. Feeling very much like Pandora, you slid the lid out from the groove in which it sat. Inside, on a bed of silk, lay a small, crystalline bottle full of a vibrant blue liquid that seemed to shimmer in the light as it faded from the symbols. Tendrils of steam swirled out of the box where the chill of the bottle met the warmth of the air.

"Oh, what fresh hell is this?"

At your acerbic response, Loki burst into full-throated laughter. "Only you, dear one, could find a king's ransom an irritant."

"It is when you're offering it." Lifting a brow, you gestured toward the bottle, silently asking if it was okay to remove it from its nest. Loki inclined his head in assent with a knowing smile. You carefully lifted the bottle, your fingers chilling the moment you touched it, wondering at both the container and the liquid within. "This isn't glass, is it? What does the liquid do?"

"Glass couldn't hold it, dear one." Loki's smile had taken on a slightly sinister edge. You'd noted his smile took on that particular cruel edge preceding a half-truth. He always looked a little cruel whenever he was about to give you an answer that was technically the truth but omitted a lot of important information. "A capful will extend your life by fifty times its normal length."

"And the catch?" You reluctantly set the bottle back in its nest, the chill starting to hurt your fingers. You continued to examine it, however, as once you'd lifted it to the light, you'd been able to see delicate patterns etched into the surface of the bottle as well. "I age at my normal length so that when I die several thousand years from now, it's from crumbling apart?"

"No, you will age proportionally to your lifetime." Loki was vaguely exasperated, but thoroughly amused. You were the only person he'd ever thought to offer this secret to. Part of that was exactly this, that you were one of the few he'd ever met who wouldn't immediately drink it but would ask a dozen questions first. He was starting to think you weren't human; you were too clever. "Remember, I actually like you, dear one."

That touched you a little. You were pretty sure that was the truth. Still… "There has to be a catch."

Loki's smiled widened. "It will change you physically. You will become much harder to kill, among other things." That cruel cast came and went once more on his ascetically pretty face. "You might not like some of the changes."

"Huh." You sat for a moment, thinking over all of the information he had both volunteered and carefully hidden. You couldn't help but notice that he hadn't entirely answered your question. You knew there had to be more of a catch than he'd revealed, but you could also tell he didn't want to tell you. Whatever was going on here, you could see clearly that Loki was not being entirely honest with you, surprise, surprise. You were certain there were aspects that you would not like should he tell the truth. Until then… "No."

"No!?"

You burst out laughing at the sheer insult all over him. His face was a study in umbrage, his body recoiling in horror. He was genuinely shocked that you wouldn't leap at the chance to extend your life without thinking further. You were genuinely amused that he thought you'd jump without thinking about the consequences first. You hadn't survived this long in the odd world you inhabited by being either naïve or reckless.

"No, I will not drink your I’m-an-obvious-trap-and-if-you-drink-me-you’re-an-idiot potion." You closed the box with a snap, then leaned forward to place it on the coffee table once more. You picked up your wineglass and sat back to continue. "This has Faustian bargain written all over it. ‘Drink this mysterious liquid that does not have a label and you have no idea what’s in it and you’ll have life, health, and youth for the next 4,000 years, no strings attached.’" You scowled good-naturedly at the now smiling god. "Sure! Nothing insanely wrong here! I mean, if you can’t trust the God of Mischief and Deceit."

Loki tilted his head back and roared with laughter. You'd never seen him laugh like this, open and unguarded. It occurred to you that Loki hid a lot of himself away, and you wondered about the why of it. Today, however, you were just grateful to see him enjoying himself so thoroughly. Your face softened, and you teased gently as he calmed, "Well, come on. This might as well have a sign that says, ‘Free Bird Seed’ on it."

"I do not understand," he answered, still chuckling. "Is bird seed terribly precious on Midgard?"

"I cannot figure out where to even begin to explain Wile E. Coyote to you."

"If it is another ridiculous Midgard thing, don't bother." He lifted a dismissive hand and you laughed again. "I don't care." His expression shifting to one of amused temptation, he slid forward on the couch. Though you knew you couldn't touch him, you weren't certain if Loki could touch you in this form. You forced yourself to stay relaxed and not retreat. Loki would immediately take advantage of any sign of weakness. "When you change your mind, love," he smiled that enticing smile of his, the one that crossed his face when he was up to something, "let me know. Do. Not. Drink it without me. You'll need my help."

"I'm not drinking it." If Loki had been a study in insult, you were now a study in doubtful challenge. You leaned back, one arm casually draped across your lap, the other swirling your wine as it lay along the back of the couch. "But I still want to know why you're even offering it to me."

"It has become clear that it is going to take you forever to stop pining for my oaf of a brother." Loki slid closer and you felt that odd push-pull you always had with Loki, the urge to run coupled with the temptation to get closer. "I want you to still be alive when that happens so I can steal you once and for all."

The last words were spoken almost against your mouth and you would swear you could feel it. Your lips seemed to tingle, as though his had been only a breath away, but you weren't sure you weren't merely hallucinating the sensation. In the next instant, Loki was gone, undoubtedly concluding that a strategic retreat was best to accomplish his aims.

He wasn't wrong; you were certain you'd be thinking about the box, and him, for a long time coming. How could you not? Even his reason for offering would prey upon your mind. It was so weirdly sweet.

Didn't matter, you thought to yourself. You weren't a fucking idiot, and you did not know what that potion really did. You weren't fucking drinking it.

Part Nine: Ablation here

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#Thor Odinson x reader #thor x reader #thor odinson fanfiction #thor fanfiction #thor fanfic #mcu fanfiction #marvel au #lightning strikes #pantswrites #angst #series

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ferrisbuellers · 5 years

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This post is pretty personal about my health, but I need to get it off my chest. You are all welcome to read it, but it’s more me just venting and getting my feelings and concerns out there. It might be long (I’m just covering all the details), hence it being under a read more...

So, back at the end of June, my family and I were driving home from the mountains and one of my little ones was acting like a complete monster in the backseat of the car, so I twisted around in my seat to calm her down and fucked up my neck. Later that same day, I somehow also managed to move my right arm or shoulder in a weird way and messed that up as well. I had that pain for a couple of days and then it went away, but this is when my real worries started.

After all of this, my right breast started hurting. I thought maybe my arm/shoulder injury just fucked up my breast muscle or something. I also had a one year old baby at that point and still breastfed, so I attributed the pain to that for a while. I figured since she was starting to wean, it was just my body trying to adjust. I checked for lumps in the shower, which I thought I felt, but those could have just normal due to the time of the month, because they aren’t there now. I checked for any outer appearance changes and didn’t really notice anything, but I was still concerned.

The pain wasn’t constant, but it was annoying, and it went on for a few weeks before I decided to call a breast care center to try to get it looked at. The lady there said they wouldn’t be able to take me in unless I got a referral from my OB, so I made an appointment with her. She (my OB) checked it out, I let her know about the things I mentioned above, and she also concluded that the pain was probably happening because of what happened with my arm. She prescribed some muscle relaxers (which I didn’t take because I just can’t take pills, and I’ve tried to grow out of that and I should’ve just taken them, but I digress...) and to come back in ten days if the pain didn’t improve. Again, the pain wasn’t so much really painful as it was annoying, but it never went away. But I never got my referral because she found nothing during the breast exam. So I was stuck. I called the breast care center again sometime later in hopes that they could just take me in without the referral, but because I’m only 30 and have no family history of breast cancer, I don’t think they really took me too seriously.

Skip ahead to last month. By this time, I had checked my breast multiple times a day, I became obsessed with doing so. Any little change, I freaked out. I made note of the normal changes during my period versus when I wasn’t on it. I read about possible causes for the pain, different conditions, and one of them was cancer. I am a hypochondriac to the nth degree and my mind went straight to breast cancer. I researched the different types, started freaking out some more because a lot of the things I was experiencing were similar to symptoms of inflammatory breast cancer. They’re also similar to mastitis, which is from breastfeeding, and similar to a breast abscess. It could be any number of things, but that doesn’t stop me from being scared shitless.

I found a small dimple on the side of my breast a few days ago, the pain is more painful now, my skin started changing (Peau d'orange, but it could be stretch marks, I just don’t know), and now I’m scared. I’ve become depressed over this because I’m so scared, and I pretty much cry every day over it because of the uncertainty.

I called the breast care center again yesterday and they told me what they had before, get a referral from my doctor. I immediately called my OB after and made her order an ultrasound and now I have an appointment set up for tomorrow.

If you’ve read this far, thanks so much. I don’t normally dive in too deep into my personal life on here, but I’ve bottled this up for a while now. And I don’t know if you guys pray or whatever, but if you could please send positive thoughts and vibes my way, I would appreciate it so much. I’ll probably update this in the coming days after my appointment and after I get any results.

#random shit that no one cares about #personal #cancer tw

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captialrogers · 5 years

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Relationship Arrangement (part two)

Summary: Steve Rogers has wanted to start a family for as long as he can remember, but things keep happening in his life that stops him from just that. Until he meets a woman in the same predicament. Together, they embark on the journey of parenthood and finding out that some contracts are meant to be broken

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Female Reader

Warnings: Talk of pregnancy, surrogacy, and other things that come with these topics

Wordcount: 2,328

Marvel Masterlist / Character Master List / Series Masterlist

Chapter One | Chapter Two |

Despite their best efforts, the only way the pair could get back into the agency was to make an appointment. And said appointment was weeks away. Weeks that [y/n] spent giddy and terrified. After her initial coffee with Steve, she had struggled to understand exactly how they were going to get any company to agree to their idea.

His idea. She reminded herself. If it hadn’t been for the charming blond and his overconfident way of explaining the details, [y/n] would have spent the rest of her life either searching for the perfect donor or settling for an average one. For that, she thanked him. But she didn’t know him. Not really. She knew his name, his age. Hell, she even knew his occupation. But she knew nothing about him.

There was one thing she knew for certain about the stranger, he was incredibly attractive. Oh so hot. So much so that if she had little to no self-control, [y/n] might have jumped him in the bathroom of the coffee shop.

Might? Who was she kidding? There was no might about it. She would have definitely thrown caution to the wind. But she didn’t. Nor would she ever. That was one breach of trust that she wouldn’t commit. He was going to be her donor after all and she didn’t want whatever relationship they would have to become more complicated than it already was.

Tiny hands tightened their grip on her fingers and [y/n] looked down at the 14-month-old holding on to get for dear life, legs unsteady.

“Hey, what’cha doing there cutie?” She smiled and leaned closer to the toddler, showering her cheeks with sloppy kisses.

“Obviously she’s trying to snap her Auntie out of whatever fog has made it’s home in her head.”

Emily was right about one thing. [y/n]’s head was full of too many things. “Naw, I think she just wanted sturdy support to stand with.” She placed her small hands on her knees and reached forward, picking the toddler up. “Isn’t that right?”

After a chorus of ‘das’ and garbled syllable sounds, the small child gladly sat in [y/n]’s lap as the woman fiddled with Leah’s tiny toes.

“Seriously man, what is going on in that head of yours?” Sitting beside her best friend with an ‘mph’, Emily looked at the other woman and cocked a brow. “You seem more than a bit out of it lately.”

“I know. It’s just…It might finally be happening.” [y/n] hadn’t said it out loud to anyone but Steve. She didn’t want to jinx it before anything could really happen.

“Really?” The brunette was shocked. More than shocked if her tone of voice was any indication. “You’re actually going through with it?” Emily shook her head and took the now fussing toddler from [y/n].

“Of course I am. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“I know. Since the 3rd grade you’ve been obsessed with the whole ‘2.5 and a dog’.” She chuckled and lifted her shirt, nursing the wiggling Leah. “If this is what you want, then I support you.” Emily placed a hand to [y/n]’s shoulder and squeezed. “No matter what.”

“Thanks, Em.” She breathed, looking at her friend.

“I’ll even hold your hair when your gag reflex decides to stop working.”

“Oh geese, thanks. Way to ruin the moment.” She laughed and shook her head.

“It’s what I do.” Emily shrugged and ran a hand through her hair, shifting the toddler still nestled against her breast. “So, what’s he like?”

[y/n] sighed and folded her legs beneath her, “Perfect.”

———

Steve wanted to call [y/n] to discuss how everything would happen, but he didn’t. There was this nagging feeling in his stomach that told him not to. He didn’t want to make the situation more intimate than it already was going to be.

She’d be the mother of his children — technically — and he didn’t know the first thing about her. But he wanted to. He wanted to know what she liked to do in her free time, what her favourite movie was, her favourite restaurant… Steve wanted to know everything.

And it wasn’t because he was interested in her. No. He told himself that it was because he had to make sure she was capable of going through the motions while knowing one of the babies wouldn’t be staying with her. That was if the procedure ended in twins.

As the veteran sat on the small coach of his Brooklyn apartment, he couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if only one embryo developed. Who would have the right to the first baby? Would they fight over it like divorced parents? Steve supposed that that was the reason a lawyer would be involved. To legally bind them into compliance.

When he first suggested that they be each others solution, he hadn’t really been thinking about the logistics of it. The blond had only known that [y/n] was just as desperate as he was. Now, however, Steve couldn’t stop thinking about everything that could go wrong.

But the things he was worried about could have happened regardless of who he chose to carry the most precious gift of his life. The only difference would be the fact that [y/n] wasn’t just getting a lump sum after it was all said and done. She’d also have her dreams come true.

He had to remind himself that it wasn’t just for him, it was also for her. They both had stakes in this deal and if either backed out, no one would be happy.

———

This was it. She would finally be a mother. Well, she would be if the agency agreed to their idea. Sure, they could do it the old fashioned way… Wait. No, we couldn’t. [y/n] chided herself, embarrassed at the fact that she’d sleep with a complete stranger in hopes of becoming pregnant with not one, but two babies. There was no way. She couldn’t sleep with Steve more than once. But she knew that what she told herself was a lie.

Her heart sat in her stomach as they stood in the elevator of the fertility company. Steve’s plan was brilliant and she couldn’t believe that she hadn’t thought of it before the blond mentioned it. Because no one would go through with it. [y/n] risked a glance towards the man beside her. Why hadn’t she met him before today? From what he had told her, there was no one currently in his life and there hadn’t been in quite some time. So how was this the first time they had met? Social circles. She decided and turned to look back at the closed elevator doors.

“It’ll work,” Steve said suddenly, gently brushing his hand against hers. [y/n] hadn’t realized that she was shaking.

“It has to.” She breathed, pulling her hand away from where he could reach it. As if to punctuate her words, the elevator doors opened to a long hallway leading to a large, open concept room with a dark door in the middle. She left then, not waiting for the male to follow.

Heaving a heavy sigh, Steve exited the metal box after the woman. He hadn’t meant to touch her. Not as if he had known her a lifetime when in reality he had barely known her a week or so. And yet he had touched her hand, intimately; briefly.

As he followed [y/n] down the corridor, he couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed. The last time Steve was on this floor, his hopes and dreams of being a father were crushed. But now, there was the slightest possibility that he would get what he wanted most, a family.

They stopped abruptly in front of a dark wood door and the veteran looked at the woman beside him. The expression on her face mimicked how he felt. Anxious. Nervous. Unprepared. “We can turn around if you’re —” He started but was cut off by the shake of her head.

“No. No, I just…”

“Need a moment,” Steve said knowing that he definitely needed one himself. And after a few minutes of silence, he raised his hand and knocked on the door.

In an instance it was open and an older woman stood in front of the pair, smiling. “Hello! Please come in and have a seat.” The fertility agent stood to the side, allowing both Steve and [y/n] to enter the large office. “My name is Lani Hargrove and I have been chosen to look after your case.”

The blond male shook the woman’s outstretched hand. “Steve Rogers.” He looked over at the younger woman, “And this is —“

“[y/n] [y/l/n]. It’s very nice to meet you.” She shook the agent's hand and smiled before making her way into the office.

“I’ve had a chance to look over both of your files.” Mrs. Hargrove started, taking a seat in her tall back chair. “It’s a very unusual predicament the two of you are in. Whatever gave you the idea?”

Steve smiled and looked down at the floor before glancing back at the older woman and taking a seat. How honest could he be with this woman? Could he tell her that desperation was a fierce motivator? “We have seen searching and trying to start families for so long. We both know the bitter taste of disappointment and the pain of being told that is simply wasn’t possible. In that connection, Miss [y/l/n] and I are the same. I can’t necessarily speak for her, but I’d like to help someone ease that pain.” He said instead, seriously but with a hint of sadness.

“I completely agree.” [y/n] nodded in agreement, easing back into her uncomfortable chair. “All I’ve ever wanted was to start a family and through all odds, I may finally have the chance to because of the generosity of a stranger.” As she sat, the older woman in front of them took her time deciding what the next course of action would be. She was nervous. What if the company wouldn’t take the chance? What if none of the agency took it?

“There are many legal issues that will arise if this plan is executed.” Unclasping her hands, the greying brunette reached down and opened a drawer, pulling out a file folder. “There might be a contract currently existing within the program that could be altered for this… unique situation.”

[y/n] began to grin. Finally, she would have a baby. “So, It’s possible? You’ll do it?” She asked unable to contain her excitement.

The agent sighed and looked towards the quiet man, “I’ll have to discuss this with the board and the legal team before I gave a definitive answer, you understand.”

Steve nodded his head. “Completely. We wouldn’t want to force the company into anything they’re uncomfortable with.”

“Good.” With that, the older woman leaned back in her chair and smiled slightly. “This is going to be a very exciting time for the two of you, permitting it works in your favour.”

“A very exciting time. Also a very difficult time.”

[y/n] looked at the blond male sitting beside her. How could he be so casual after learning that they could be well on their way to parenthood? Was he getting cold feet now that it was becoming a reality and not just a discussion? The spark in his blue eyes told her differently. He was just as happy as she was. Was she the one acting strange? Was she too hopeful?

“Certainly. Especially for Miss [y/l/n].”

At that, [y/n] turned her attention back to the agent. “I’m sure I can handle the process. Pregnancy affects each woman differently so who’s to say this one will be harder than the average one.”

“IVI is different than traditional pregnancy, as I’m sure you’ve discovered through your research.” The greying brunette sat up in her chair and leaned closer to the pair in front of her, “Each procedure is different from the next. As is the woman and the chance of implantation. The physical aspects aren’t the only difficult things you’ll be going through. The mental toll it takes is also a factor and only the individual can determine whether or not it’s incredibly taxing.”

“You mean, whether or not it takes on the first go?” She asked, her knees trembling slightly and her throat drying.

“Precisely. The first two weeks after treatment are the most difficult for couples and I suspect that it will be even more so for the pair of you.”

Steve’s hands gripped the arms of his chair. He hated that the older woman was right. This was going to be hard on both of them, but more so for [y\n]. He looked at the woman beside him and his facial expression softened. “If it doesn’t take, we’ll try until it does. We’re in this together.” He didn’t care that they were basically strangers he would do everything he could to make sure the treatment worked.

Before the greying brunette could respond, a knock sounded from the front of the office. “Sorry to interrupt,” a head appeared around the now open door, “but your two o’clock meeting…”

“Thank you, Abigail.” With a quiet click, the door closed and Mrs. Hargrove smiled once again. “Well then, Miss [y/l/n], Mr. Rogers, it was a pleasure meeting with you both. I will discuss your case with the board as soon as possible and let you know their decision.” She said, standing and shaking both of their hands before directing them to the entrance of the office. “Thank you for choosing our agency. I hope to have some good news the next time we meet.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Hargrove, for meeting with us and considering our situation.” Steve smiled and placed a hand on the small of [y/n]’s back, leading the woman down the corridor and into the elevator, “We look forward to hearing from you.”

With that, the pair left the fertility agency, their hopes and spirits a little higher than before.

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