#between when i started and now i had a couple mental breakdowns

[givemethedamnflowers]

I JUST SENT MY FULL THESIS TO MY SUPERVISOR FOR A FINAL PROOFREADING

#this is so fucking huge for me #i've been workign on it for 3 years #this was so long it's not just a thesis to me it's 3 years of my life it was a journey #between when i started and now i had a couple mental breakdowns #discovered i had adhd #worked as a polyvalent employee got promotes as manager then quit to work the internship of my dreams #learned to crochet #im just not the same person now than when i started #this thesis really represent a whole ass personnal journey and it means so much to me #eno's dumb little posts

[totaly-obsessed]

Money, Money, Money

Alessia Russo x reader

-> Reader has a mental breakdown after discovering how expensive Alessia's outfit was

➳ Masterlist

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

As every year the ‘Pride of Britain Awards’ were held in London – and just like last year the lionesses were invited to hand an award to one of the winners. The candidates were nominated by the public from all walks of life, of all ages, and from all over the country. Their achievements are awe-inspiring and a lesson to everyone. And just like last year, your girlfriend Alessia was one of the Lionesses that would be going.

You knew that she had been out shopping with Leah and Jen a couple of times, but you always excused yourself with having lessons to prepare or actually being in school teaching – in reality, you just wanted the blonde to have time with her new teammates.

Every time she came back smiling like a lunatic but upon asking her what she had bought, you always received a teasing kiss and a “You’ll see amore.”

And see you did. Alessia waited for you to say something – body jittering with anticipation of your opinion. She knew that you would like it, but seeing you stare at her with wide eyes and an open mouth was so much better than expected. “You’re drooling, love.”

While Lessi was usually the gullible one. It was you wiping away phantom drool – your girlfriend laughing at you. “Baby you look… Wow!”

Happy with her achievement the footballer pulled you up from your desk chair. “You are so tall Less!” While your girlfriend was already tall, her heels let her tower over you even more. “Mhmm, you like it, amore?” The cheeky girl knew exactly how much you liked the size difference between the two of you – so instead of answering her, you kissed the blonde with passion.

She truly looked incredible in her bright red dress (that was quite short really) with stunning heels – her face still bare. “Do you really need to go Less?” The Italian knew that you wanted her to go despite your whining. You had been freaking out when she had told you about it – but right now? There was nothing else you would rather do than let the blonde kiss you crazy as she was usually doing.

“I need to go baby.” With hunched shoulders she pressed another kiss to your lips, parting way too soon. Baffled you stood there in the middle of the shared living room, Alessia grabbing her purse before speed walking back to you like a damn model.

“One for the road.” Kissing you again, before walking out of the house to get to her Makeup artist.

And while you really liked to use your work as an excuse, tonight you really did have lessons to plan – much to your annoyance. Sure you were an adult, but that didn’t mean, that you wouldn’t scour the internet for anything about Less at the Award show – and the pictures were stunning.

Seeing her on stage, next to little Ravi Adelekan who won ‘Child of Courage’ for setting up an incredible charity in aid of The Brain Tumour Charity and braintrust after undergoing surgery for his tumor, made you quite emotional. Kids were always very dear to your heart, after all, you did become a school teacher.

Having long abandoned your actual plans, you kept on looking at pictures of the award show, reading about all of those memorable people there, when a picture popped up on your Instagram. It was a picture of your girlfriend, stunning as always, but next to her were pictures of her clothing, someone having found out how much it cost and where to find it, if anyone wanted to buy something.

A dress for 700 euros was bad enough, but heels for a little more than 1,000 euros? That was just excessive, the little red bag for 2,000 euros, didn’t make it better in the slightest.

You knew, that Alessia and you came from very different backgrounds, her dad had been in the police, earning good money – her mother and brothers also being well paid. The blonde started making a pretty buck at quite a young age. You, however, came from a low-income family.

Less maybe didn’t notice the difference, but you certainly did.

No food in the fridge? Instant panic! You couldn’t go hungry again, you just couldn’t. There always had to be some food at home.

Eating out? Scary enough for you, always choosing the least expensive option on the menu – but ordering a glass of expensive wine? Panic! What if you needed the money suddenly?

It was safe to say that seeing these prices for things your girlfriend would wear once and never again sent you into a spiral.

Alessia came home in the early hours of the morning, expecting to join you in bed. Instead, she found you at the dining table, bent over stacks of papers and calculations – immediately she knew that something was wrong.

You hated math.

You didn’t teach math.

So what was going on here?

As gently as she could she laid her hands on top of your shoulders, scaring you just enough to make you knock over your (thankfully closed) water bottle. “What’s all this amore?” Seeing your tear-stained face broke the footballer's heart, her mind set on making things better.

“You’re back Less!” It was adorable, your pretty little face lightening up upon seeing the stunning blonde in her pretty red dress that caused you so much trouble. But your red puffy eyes reminded her that something was up with you.

After laying a gentle kiss on your burning forehead, she pulled out the chair next to you. Warm, big hands enveloped your own, stopping you from tugging at your skin. “Baby?” And then it was like a damn broke, everything just spilling out of you.

“Okay, so I calculated everything! And if I take on a few more afternoon supervision classes, and take fewer breaks – with rent and food we might be able to cover everything in two or three months!”

The blonde was confused. What would you try to cover? But upon seeing her face, poor you thought that she was unhappy that it would take so long “Or, we could just use up all the food that we have here, that gives us a little extra and we could get done faster!”

You were in hysterics. Face all scrunched up, desperately looking for ideas, your entire body heated up. “Amore what are you talking abo-“

“Or! I could get a second job on top, so we could finish paying everything off this month. I saw that the bakery down the street is looking for new employees.”

Alessia let go of your hands, instead taking your water bottle and bringing it to your mouth – desperate to calm you down without making you panic. While this is a strange position to be in, it helped. Like a baby getting fed, you calmed down – but then came the tears.

“Amore, I can’t help you if I don’t understand what is wrong. What are you trying to pay off?” Her warm hands wiped away tear after tear, waiting for your desperate hiccups to end. So badly she wanted to pull you on her lap, into one of her famous hugs but she feared that you would fall asleep before figuring out the problem.

Now you felt like you had calmed down enough, giving the blonde a firm nod. “What are you trying to pay off baby?”

The footballer didn’t know what she was expecting but “Your dress, shoes and bag.” certainly wasn’t it. She pressed a gentle kiss onto the back of your hand “Why would you pay for them, baby?”

“Well they were expensive and we need to have the money ready when the bill comes for them.” Slowly but surely Alessia was understanding what was going on.

“Baby you don’t need to pay for them. They are already paid for.” If the situation hadn’t been so serious, she would have surely laughed at the way that your facial expression shifted. “What’d ya mean?”

“I mean that I have already paid for the dress, the shoes, and even the bag in store. Even if not, you would never need to pay them for me, amore.” It was like a heavy weight had fallen off your chest.

“So- so there will be no bill?” Alessia’s head shake nearly sends you into another breakdown, but the little shapes she drew on your wrist with her fingers certainly helped you calm down again.

“Why did you think that you needed to be the one paying baby?” Curious, big blue eyes practically burned into the side of your head.

You were ashamed.

Seeing the expensive price tags had thrown you back to your teenage years. “When I was younger my mum used to just buy things that we couldn’t afford. And when the bills came she made figure out how I could pay for it.” Alessia teared up.

She knew that you didn’t have the best life, but she never pressured you into telling her. “Why didn’t your mum work for it then?”

“She never worked, dad didn’t want her to. He was too proud to admit that he couldn’t carry the weight of the family.” Alessia now held your face in between her hands, gently caressing your cheeks.

“Listen to me amore.” The Italian, again, took note of how hot your face was. It appeared that you had worked yourself up to a point of sickness, breaking your girlfriend's heart even more. “What your mum made you do is horrible – and it will never happen again. Okay? Not with me. We have a stable income – you have a good job, and I can pay for the house and both cars, okay? You don’t even need to work in my eyes.”

She saw how you scrunched your nose in disagreement, wanting to do your share. “Don’t look at me like that anymore, you know it’s true.”

And you really did know it. You knew what Alessia earned, both of you being very open about finances – but something about the situation had thrown you back in time, into a toxic living environment.

“Let’s get you to bed baby, you’re staying home tomorrow.”

And stay home you did – the both of you not leaving the bed until later in the day, sharing stories about your very different families.

#arsenal wfc x reader #woso x reader #woso imagine #engwnt x reader #alessia russo #alessia russo x reader #woso

[crypticreid]

KINKTOBER DAY FOUR

October 13 -- Virginity

masterlist

author's note: happy friday the 13th!! this is a behemoth, but it feels right to celebrate this day with a little bit of fireworks lol!! thank you to everyone who voted in the poll, I might do more of those throughout the month. thank you for reading and let me know if you want to be tagged! (also, because this took me so long, it isn't as tightly edited as my other work)

summary: To be completely honest, you're struggling a little bit with you new job at the BAU. Spencer is there to help. Oh, and maybe he can help you with a few other things too.

warnings: female reader, losing virginity, fingering, oral (female receiving), grinding, discussion about masturbation and mention of sex toys

word count: 6.9k (sorry? lol)

this is adut content. 18+ plus only. minors do not interact!

Morgan smiles up at you from his desk as you scramble into the bullpen. Garcia is leaning against his desk as she raises her eyebrows. You toss your go bag under your own desk and push your hair out of your face, trying to ignore the pair. 

“Rough night?” Morgan giggles, as he pushes the pencil he’s holding through his circled fingers suggestively. Garcia guffaws, but at least has the decency to playfully hit Morgan on the shoulder. 

“Can you two behave for like five minutes?” You groan and try to find your ID badge. You literally just had it to get into the BAU department, but now it has mysteriously disappeared. It isn’t on your desk or in any of your pockets, but you do find a couple crumpled up dollar bills that you toss onto your desk without thinking. 

The appearance of the bills causes Morgan to whistle. Emily walks over and sees the offending currency. “Damn, invite me next time!” She laughs. 

You roll your eyes and don’t reply. Instead, you pull up your go bag and start to empty it. Maybe you accidentally put your badge in one of the pockets, you rationalize.

“What is going on?” JJ asks with a small laugh, gesturing to the contents of your go bag now completely strewn across the desk. Clothing and toiletries clutter the surface and you know you look like a crazy person. And maybe you are crazy. No, you definitely are crazy. Anyone who does this job is absolutely batshit crazy. 

Tears sting your eyes, but you blink them away. You are absolutely not going to have a mental breakdown at eight in the morning in the bullpen, and definitely not in front of fucking Derek Morgan. “I can’t find my badge.” You mutter and drop down to your knees to look under your chair and desk. 

You palm the dirty floor, but don’t find anything. Your friends stifle their laughter. “I would help you but this is not a crawl around on the floor kind of dress.” Penelope offers. 

“Gee, thanks.” You say to yourself. 

“Hey, has anyone seen –” Spencer stops in both his tracks and his sentence when he notices you on the floor. He swallows. “I found your ID badge. Over by the door. I think you dropped it.” 

“Wonder boy saves the day!” Morgan exclaims. 

Spencer finishes his trek over to you and offers a hand to help you up. You glance up at him, blushing slightly at the angle. Who would’ve thought you’d be on your knees in front of Dr. Reid? Okay, you’ve definitely thought about it, but your imagination didn’t normally make it happen inside Quantico and it absolutely never in front of your coworkers. 

“Sorry, my hands are kind of dirty. Uh, from the floor.” You confess and take his hand as you stand up. His hand is warm and soft, like really soft. Like you could easily fall asleep to him rubbing your back in mindless patterns. As soon as you’re on your feet you slip your hand out of his to avoid your mind adding more ammunition to your middle of the night imaginations about Spencer. 

“It’s okay.” 

“Thanks. For the badge… and –” you take the badge from his other hand and gesture meaninglessly between the two of you. 

“You’re welcome.” He smiles at you and you feel yourself redden deeper. 

“Alright, alright! Time for kiss and tell!” Penelope exclaims and you blink away from your eye contact with Reid. 

“What?” You whip your head around to her. 

Emily makes kissing noises and musses her hair. “You. And some mystery person. Last night. Clearly.” 

You turn toward her. “No. I wasn’t…” you start, your eyes flick over to Spencer as he walks toward his desk. “There’s no one.” 

JJ leans on your desk and raises her brows. “Then what were you doing last night?” 

You could not tell them the truth, but it was also impossible to lie to the best profilers in the country, so you give them a half truth. “Nothing. I just had a bad night.” You shrug and start to put your clothing back in your go bag, not bothering to fold it. 

The truth is that it had been a bad night because you were struggling with the job. You’d been hired ten months ago and the lack of sleep, the neverending cases, and having to constantly deal with the horrific things humans can do to one another was taking its toll on you. Yesterday had been a day off and you wanted to use it to catch up on sleep, but everytime you closed your eyes, the faces of the people you couldn’t save filtered in. You hadn’t been able to get a good night’s sleep since you started and it had caused a complete breakdown last night. You had pulled up Hotch’s contact information four times ready to quit, but you knew you couldn’t do it. You were here for a reason, you’d stick it out.  

Penelope hums. “Well, if it wasn’t a person… then it must’ve been alcohol.” 

“Or gambling.” Emily adds. 

You roll your eyes. “I don’t gamble.” 

“You should. It’s a lot of fun. I’ll play you in Blackjack.” Emily smiles. 

“Don’t play with her, she counts cards.” Reid murmurs absentmindedly as he reads over a file at his desk. 

“I do not!” 

Everyone laughs, but then the laughter dies away when Hotch comes out of his office. “Looks like no one gets to have fun for a couple of days.” Emily groans. 

On the flight home after the case, you’re seated across from Spencer. Everyone else is asleep or has headphones in, even Hotch is passed out on the couch, which is rare. You still can’t sleep, so you stare out the window into the darkness as you fly over Virgina. Spencer clears his throat and you roll your head to look at him. 

“Are you okay?” He asks. 

You allow a small smile to form on your lips. “Yeah, I’m fine.” 

He swallows and puts the book in his hand down in his lap as he leans forward slightly. “I know we don’t know each other that well yet, but you don’t really seem like yourself lately. Are you sure you’re okay?” 

The sore achy feeling of wanting to cry but holding it in burns your throat. You cough softly.  “I’m okay, really. Just – having trouble sleeping.” You give just a little bit of information, hoping it assuages his curiosity. 

“Is it that mystery person keeping you up at night?” He asks point-blankly. 

Your mouth is agape and you snap it shut, “did you just make a joke?” 

“I tried to.” He smiles and you match his smile with your own. 

“There really isn’t anyone.” You shake your head. “I’ve never –” you almost let the rest of the sentence slip out, but stop yourself just in time. The lack of sleep is obviously affecting you more than you thought. 

“You’ve never what?” The way he moves his body forward in his seat makes your heart thrum in your chest. His body language is clear, even a rookie behavioral analyst could tell, he was prepared to listen to what you have to say. Not only that, but he actually cared. 

You bite the inside of your cheek before letting out a sigh. Before you answer, you lean closer toward him, “I’ve never had sex, actually.” 

His eyes widen and he clears his throat, “you’re a –” 

“Virgin,” you finish for him. “I’m not ashamed or embarrassed by it. And it isn’t like I’m saving it or anything. It just hasn’t happened yet.” You shrug. “In all honesty, part of me just wants to pick some random person and get it over with.” You let out a small breathy laugh in an attempt to make you feel less awkward. 

“Why haven’t you?” You meet his eyes. “I mean, just found a random person to get it over with?” 

One of your shoulders lifts in a half-hearted shrug. “I don’t know. Like when I think about it, I realize that I’d rather have someone I trust, you know. Someone who would take care of me and not just see me as another notch on their bedpost. At least for the first time. And then after that, I’d feel more comfortable just going out and… you know.” 

“Notching up some bed posts.” He nods knowingly and you giggle. He smiles, you notice that he enjoys making you laugh. A lot of the time it seems like people are maybe laughing at him or about him, but not you. He’s never the butt of the joke for you. 

“Sure, Spencer.” You can’t help, but trail your eyes over him and contemplate the question that’s on the tip of your tongue. “How did you lose your virginity?” 

He doesn’t seem offended or shocked by your question. “In college.” 

You scoff, “weren’t you like twelve?” 

“During my undergrad, yes. But I have multiple PhDs.” 

“Of course, Doctor Reid.” 

He shifts in his seat. “I was twenty. She was, uh, we worked in the same lab. And had the same research advisor.” 

“So you two experimented on each other.” You joked. 

Spencer’s face flushed and you felt a pang deep in your stomach. “In a way, yes.” 

“I’m joking, Spencer.” He nods in understanding. “Were you like her boyfriend?” 

“No, we just –” 

“Hooked up.” You finish for him. 

“For a couple months, yeah.” 

Your mouth drops and you whisper, “you had a fuck buddy?” 

His blush deepens. “I don’t think we ever called each other that.” 

“What did you call her?” 

“I don’t know. We never talked about it. I finished my doctoral thesis before her.” He shrugs. 

“Wow, who knew.” 

“What?” 

“Morgan isn’t the only playa on the team.” You giggle and scrunch your nose, feeling the stress of the last few weeks dissipate from your shoulders. 

“I’m not…” he laughs and shakes his head. He glances out the window. “We’re landing soon.” He swallows and leans back in his seat. It was terrible, but you had a strong urge to step across to his seat and straddle his lap and kiss him until you were both breathless. You turn your gaze back to the window and try to force the image away. 

Your car wouldn’t start. You forcefully turned the key in the ignition again, and it sputtered and died. As you hit your steering wheel, you let out a frustrated noise and hit it again. You turn to grab your cell phone from your bag to call a tow truck and jump when you hear a knock on your driver’s side window. Spencer stands there apologetically, waving his hand with his closed mouth smile. 

He steps aside when you open the car door and get out. “Is everything okay?” 

“No.” You laugh bitterly. “My car won’t start and I need to get a tow.” You bite your lip, but can’t stop the tears that bubble over. 

Spencer freezes, but then reaches out and touches your shoulder lightly. “It’s okay.” For some reason his comfort makes you cry harder. “Oh, uh, here,” he mutters and pulls you into a full hug. He squeezes you tight against him and rubs your back as you cry into his chest. 

“I’m sorry, Spencer.” You blubber into his shirt. 

“No, it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.” 

“Is it?” You pull away from his chest to look in his eyes. “I’m failing at this job and –” 

“Woah, failing at this job?” He interrupts. “Who said that?” His brows furrow angrily. 

“No one.” You blink away the tears stuck in your eyelashes and Spencer reaches up and swipes away one that trails down your cheek. 

“You’re not failing. You’re excelling. You’re incredible. Truly, I mean that. I wouldn’t lie to you. I promise.” He swallows and you realize how close to his face you are, his hands wrapped around your back. 

You don’t stop yourself, even though you know you should, as you lean into him. His eyes flutter down to your lips, but he doesn’t pull away, so you keep going. Your lips touch his lightly, barely there before you back away. 

His hands tighten on you and pull you closer to him. He chases your lips with his and kisses you back, your own hands are on his chest and they twist into his shirt. You kiss him fervently, his hands traveling to your lower back, arching you into him. A moan escapes from the back of your throat and it breaks the spell. Spencer pulls away from the kiss. 

His lips are pink and shimmery and you want to kiss him again. Desperately. “I’m sorry.” He murmurs, his tongue slipping out and swiping across his bottom lip. 

“What for?” You blink. 

“Kissing you.” 

“I kissed you.” 

“I kissed you back.” 

“And you should do it again.” 

His eyes dart to your lips. He wants to, you can tell, but he stops himself. “We shouldn’t.” 

“Not here, at least.” You glance behind him and pray that the parking garage is completely empty. If your coworkers acted the way they did this morning about a nonexistent mystery person, you can only imagine their reactions if they saw you making out with Spencer. 

“It’s inappropriate.” 

“I don’t care.” 

“There’s paperwork.” 

“Not if we don’t tell anyone.” 

“That’s not how that works.” He laughs, you can feel the vibrations of the sound against his chest. 

“Do you always play by the rules, Dr. Reid?” 

He swallows harshly, you watch the movement of his Adam’s apple bob against the tight skin of his neck. “I’ll drive you home.” He deflects. 

You reach up on your toes and kiss him again. His hands spread on your back and press you against him and your hands pull him tighter to you, wrinkling his shirt. You hear footsteps and both of you step away from each other instantly, putting distance between your bodies. You turn your head to see a person you don’t recognize come into view from the other side of the parking garage. They don’t even glance in your direction. The hammering in your chest slows and you turn back to Spencer. He runs a hand through his hair. 

“Grab your bag.” He says with an authority that makes you spring into action quickly. Neither of you say anything as you follow him down the rows of agents’ cars to his car. He opens the passenger side for you, the vintage car creaks in protest. He closes the door and you watch from the rearview mirror as he walks around the back of the car toward the driver’s side, his hands in his pocket. 

He slides into the car seat and starts the car, it rumbles to life loudly. “I normally don’t even drive to work, just take public transportation. But I had an errand the other day.” He explains absentmindedly as he checks the rearview mirror and slowly backs out of the park spot. 

“It’s kismet.” 

“I always thought it was interesting that the English pilfered that word from the Turkish language. Considering words like fate and destiny already existed. Some etymologists attribute it to the rampant orientalism at the time. You know, like kismet was more mysterious or mystical or exciting than just simple fate.” He rambles and drives you out of the parking garage. A heady want begins to grow in your lower stomach. “And of course, the Turkish developed the word from an Arabic word meaning portion or lot. Which is fascinating.” 

“It is.” You say earnestly. 

He glances over at you sheepishly. “Sorry, I don’t mean to ramble.” 

“Don’t apologize. I like it.” 

His eyes are already back on the road, but you can see his cheeks redden in a slight blush. “Where do you live?” He asks and you tell him. It isn’t a long drive, well it isn’t this late at night. Your morning commute is a nightmare. He gives you a brief look, “why did you join the BAU?” 

You exhale a long breath before you answer. “I wanted to help people I guess. Which is so cliche, but it’s the truth. Like it isn’t even about putting bad guys away or whatever. I just want to make the world safer. For everyone.” You look over at him and he meets your gaze for a split second. 

“You are doing a good job.” He states. You shake your head. “I mean it. You are. You’re making a difference. You’re helping people.” 

“But how do you keep your head above water? I mean… how do you not let it beat you down?” 

“We have each other. And you focus on the good.” 

You sit in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, letting his words sink in. “Thanks, Spencer. For everything today.” 

He pulls into a parking spot in front of your apartment building. “I’ll walk you up.” 

You go to unbuckle your seatbelt, but it doesn’t budge. You try again, but again, nothing. 

“Oh, sometimes it sticks. Here,” he leans across the middle and reaches for your seatbelt buckle. His fingers graze the outside of your thigh and inhale sharply, electricity buzzing from the simplest of touches. He unbuckles you and you let the seat belt slide across your body, he doesn’t move away from you. He’s close enough that you can feel his breath on your skin, it enflames you. 

“Spencer,” you whisper and turn your head toward him. His eyes slowly trail down your face toward your lips and then back up to your eyes. You can’t take it, so you lean forward and kiss him again. Tentative at first, waiting for him to respond. He does, his hands pulling your face closer to his, deepening the kiss. When you feel his tongue swipe across your bottom lip you open for him, let him explore and learn. You sigh into his mouth, your hands find their way to the back of his neck. 

He slips away from you, breathless, but starts to kiss down your jaw. He mutters your name against your skin. You feel the warmth of his kisses travel down your spine toward your core. 

“Come upstairs.” You sigh, when he bites lightly on a sensitive spot on your neck. 

“I can’t. I shouldn’t.” He pants against your skin. 

“I want you.” 

He groans, deep and frustrated, and moves to lean his forehead against yours, both of your heavy breathing intermingling and becoming one. “You shouldn’t want me.” 

“Why not? And don’t say the bullshit about us working together. I don’t care, Spencer. I trust you. I want you.” 

He backs his head away from your forehead so that he can look into your eyes, his thumb against your cheek brushes back and forth. “You trust me?” 

“With everything in me.” He kisses you again, softly, tenderly. 

“I’ll take care of you.” 

“I know.” You kiss him back and then pull away. He nods and you return it with a nod of your own. 

His tongue glides across his lip and he swallows. You blink and he’s moving out of his seat and already at the passenger side door before you can reach for the handle. He opens it quickly and helps you out. It’s old school, but it makes your heart stutter and start. When he takes your hand in his, it feels like two magnets being drawn together. He slams the car door shut and you lead him up to your apartment. 

Once you unlock your front door and guide him in, you shut the door and turn to look at him. You flick on the light. He stares at you and asks, “you’re sure?” 

“Positive.” You step toward him and reach out to slide your hands across his stomach and then land on his waist. “Do I have to kiss you first again, or –” you don’t have to finish your question before his lips are on yours. His kisses are not tentative or searching, they’re needy and impassioned. Before long, you’re clawing at his shirt, untucking it from his pants and then reaching up to undo his tie. 

He stops you as he breathes laboriously. “Wait, we should slow down.” 

You continue to work on his tie, perpetually crooked, but now just an obstacle to what you need desperately.  “I don’t wanna go slow.” 

He moans and you finally get his tie undone and whip it off. “No, we should.” 

Your fingers work deftly against his buttons, one at a time, and you look up at him. “I’m a virgin, but I’m not inexperienced. I’m not a delicate flower.” 

His expression changes, his eyes grow heavy and he quirks his jaw. “Not inexperienced?” 

“I’m not.” You almost sound like a petulant teenager. 

“How far?” 

“What?” 

“How far have you gotten?” Your hands stop almost halfway through the third to last button. You don’t answer. His voice deepens, gravely and sexy, “you’ve clearly kissed before.” You nod. “Have you had someone feel your breasts?” As he asks the question, his hand reaches up and caresses your breast. You lean into the touch. “Has anyone put their mouth on your breasts, marking you as theirs? Rolling your nipple between their teeth?” He inclines his head into the crook of your neck and presses a hot kiss there. “Have you ever had somebody's mouth on your clit?” 

Your breathing is sharp and jagged, but Spencer simply continues. “Would you let someone use their tongue to make you come? Or maybe even their fingers? Pump their fingers into until you're squirming?” 

“Spencer,” you plead. 

He continues to massage your breast as his other hand slips under your shirt and trails across your hips and stomach. “Or do you just mean that you’ve touched yourself? You’ve laid in bed and explored this beautiful body. Know just exactly how to make yourself shiver from your own fingers.” 

You’re almost overwhelmed by his touch, his lips on your skin, and his words, your head is spinning, but you’re also desperate for more. 

“We’re going to take it slow.” He informs you and it isn’t up for discussion. “Not because I think you’re a delicate flower.” He throws your own words back at you. “But because I want to take my time with you. I want to learn everything about your body. I want to touch every single inch of you with my hands. I want to make you come, I want to feel you come. Over and over again.” You’re practically shaking in his hands when his lips and teeth scrap across your jaw and to your lips. He takes them with his and you’re like clay on a potter’s wheel, malleable and completely at his will, waiting to be crafted into his masterpiece. 

“Do you want that?” He breathes on your lips. 

You somehow know instinctively that he wants a verbal confirmation, so you answer, “yes.” 

He continues to kiss you, deeply, almost like a starved man tasting his first bit of sustenance. You answer with your own fervency. His hand at your hip squeezes and pulls you tight against him and you feel his want against you. It makes you moan. You grind your body against him and his grip tights even more. 

“Bedroom. Where’s your bedroom?” He stutters, but doesn’t stop kissing you and you don’t stop either. Your hands are in his hair, pulling and twisting, holding him impossibly close to you. You didn’t know kissing could make you feel this way, simultaneously feverish and desperate, but also insatiable. You felt like you could kiss Spencer for a lifetime and never tire of it. He wasn’t close enough even though your bodies were pressed together, you needed more. The only thought in your brain is simply, more, more, more. 

He pulls away from you, both of you taking heaving breaths. His lips were perfectly pink, your body thrummed with the knowledge that you caused such a change in him. 

“Bedroom.” The single word went straight to your core. You take his hand and guide him to your bedroom. 

Once you turn on the light, he’s behind you, pressing into you. You can feel every part of him, and he kisses the back of your neck. He’s back to being soft and gentle. He brings his hands to your stomach and inches them under your shirt until he has your breasts in his hands. 

Your breasts feel heavy and logically you know why. Blood has rushed to them, just as it has rushed to your other erogenous zones, and it is sending a signal to your brain to release oxytocin. But you’re realizing that logic has no place in your head when Spencer’s hands and mouth are on you. Logic means nothing to you at this moment. 

“You’re so beautiful.” He compliments as he fondles your breasts, your head lolls back against his chest. He angles his head so he can kiss your cheek. “You distracted me that very first case you were on. Did you know that?” 

“No,” your eyes flutter shut when he moves down to kiss your jaw. 

“I thought you were so gorgeous. After the case, I went home to my apartment and touched myself as I imagined you. I felt so ashamed, I couldn’t even look you in the eyes the next morning.” 

Your mind wanders back to all those months ago. “I thought I had done something wrong,” you remember. 

“No, it was me. I was wrong. But I couldn’t stop. I mean you can feel what you do to me.” He was right, you could distinctly feel the effect you had on him. 

“I thought of you too.” You confess. 

“You did?” His voice is low and breathy and you nod. “In that bed.” He ticks his head to gesture toward it. “Tell me.” 

You feel yourself heat with blush. His thumbs brush across your nipples through your bra and your breath gets caught in your throat. You swallow and answer. “I would lie there, normally because I couldn’t sleep. And then I’d think about you. Your hands, I’d think about your hands.” 

“My hands?” He squeezes your breasts. 

You nod and answer simultaneously, “yes. I’d imagine them on my body, touching me.” He brushes your nipples again and you shiver. “And I’d slip my hand into my underwear, and rub my clit. Pretend it was you.” His hands abandon your breasts and slide around to your back. You step forward as he takes off your shirt and then unhooks your bra and helps you out of it. His hands on your hips turn you to face him. 

“I knew you were beautiful. But you’re perfect.” Your instinct is to feel self conscious under his gaze, but you push it away when you notice the admiration in his eyes.  

You reach for him and finish the job of unbuttoning his shirt and then peeling it off of him. “Fair is fair.” You say. He laughs, but his laugh dies in his throat when your nails scratch down his chest. 

Your hands explore his exposed chest and back, feeling the muscle move underneath soft skin, and he works to rid you of your pants. You use him for balance as you step out of your pants, but as soon as you're standing on two feet again, he backs you toward your bed. 

When the back of your legs hit the bed, you allow yourself to fall back onto it. He leans over you, your legs open for him and he kisses you again. Your hands continue their previous tour of his back, now feeling how his shoulder blades move when he grinds against you. 

The first time he does it, you throw your head back in a moan. Even though you have multiple layers of fabric between you, you can still feel the heat radiating through you. He does it again and you arch up to meet his movement. When he does it a third time your nails scratch down his back. 

He makes a low noise from the back of his throat and you know that your panties are soaked. His lips take a journey down your body, kissing and nipping at your clavicle, your chest, spending a significant amount of time on both of your breasts, and down your stomach. Your clawing at his back by the time his mouth meets the band of your underwear. 

“Look at you,” he whispers. His thumb rubs lightly at your clit over the fabric. Your thighs clench and he laughs. “Keep them open for me, baby.” You mewl at the pet name. “You like that? Being called baby?” 

“Yes.” You groan out when his thumb repeats his earlier action. 

He does it again, almost unbearably slow. “I want to taste you so bad. I’ve wanted to know how good you taste for so long.” His voice is strained. 

“You can. I want you to.” 

His hands skate up to the hem of your underwear and you lift your hips slightly as he pulls them down. You open your legs for him again and he swallows. “Stunning.” His mouth is on you before you have time to process the word. 

Almost instantly, he moans against you, the vibrations causing your toes to curl. Your hands clench your duvet and he pulls away for a split second, “touch me.” You do what he asks, coiling your fingers into his hair. He laps at your clit, creating a pattern and rhythm that makes your buck up to meet him. His hands grip at your hips and hold you in place. 

“Spencer, oh fuck,” you ramble. He answers by moaning against you again and then sucking your clit into his lips. You bite down a scream. The heat at the base of your spine spreads across your body. “Oh my god. Oh god.” 

He alternates between lapping and sucking at your sensitive bud, your nails practically digging into his scalp, your toes curling, as you try to catch your breath. Just at the moment where it feels like too much, your body clenches and crashes over the edge of your ecstacy, his name falling from your lips repeatedly. 

He continues to lap at you softly until your muscles relax in his arms and then he looks up at you, smiling and his lips glistening, “you’re incredible.” You pull him up, so that you can kiss him. You kiss the taste of you off his lips. He brings his head up to look at you, pushes away the stray hairs stuck to your forehead. “Are you going to get sick of me calling you beautiful?” He smiles. 

“No, I don’t think I could.” He smiles into another kiss. His hands travel down your body and as soon as one of his fingers slides across your folds, the flames reignite. 

“Is this okay?” He asks. “I want all of you.” One of his fingers slips inside of you and then he pulls it out. He slides it back in and then repeats his action, starting slow and building up to a comfortable tempo, as he continues to kiss you. Nothing about his movements is frantic, but rather languid and relaxed, gently stoking the growing fire inside of you. You grind your hips against his finger and he smoothly adds a second finger. The feeling is different, but not bad as you feel yourself accommodating the extra digit. 

“Alright?” He checks in with you, looking into your eyes. 

“It feels good.” It’s not like the times you’ve laid here in this bed with your fingers inside you. It’s an entirely divergent sensation that you don’t think your imagination would have been able to conjure. “Really good.” 

“Yeah?” He stops sliding his fingers in and out and instead leaves them inside as he pumps them, almost as if he’s searching. He finds what he’s looking for when you gasp and cling to his shoulder. 

“Yeah.” You nod furiously, biting down on your lip. He’s no longer building the tension within you. Instead, it’s like he’s playing with a taut rubber band, waiting for it to snap. 

You feel your eyes start to close, wanting to roll to the back of your head. “Keep your eyes on me, baby. I want to see. Want to see you come apart for me.” 

You force your eyes open. “Spencer…” 

“I know, relax into it.” His thumb starts to rub your clit. “You’re doing so good.”  

“Oh my god,” you start to mutter and ramble again, a mixture of curses and Spencer’s name. You never break eye contact with him. It’s intense, but also intimate. 

“Are you gonna come for me, baby?” 

You let out a whine in answer and feel a muscle in your thigh twitch. Your core clenching on his fingers, the wet sounds of his fingers inside of you filling the room. The grip on his shoulders is tight and you hope it isn’t painful, but he barely seems to notice, all of his attention is on you. The mixture of admiration and lust on his features is almost too much. But you’re realizing that Spencer Reid never does anything part way or half-assed. Once Spencer puts his mind to something, he’s going to accomplish it. Not only that, but he’s going to put an almost Herculean effort into it. And somehow, you’ve become something he’s put his mind to. The thought makes you lean up and kiss him. 

You kiss him until a gasp separates your lips from him. “So perfect,” he muses. Your core constricts and contracts on his fingers. Your breathing is short and your legs feel like they’re shaking, but you can’t really tell. “Come for me.” 

One more shaky breath and then you do, the rubber band snaps. Your body arcs up into him and he swallows your shout with his lips, kissing you deeply. Again, he slows down but doesn’t stop, guiding you down from your high. When he does pull his fingers from you, you watch as he brings them to his mouth and sucks them clean. 

This time you don’t need him to rekindle the flame of need inside of you, it's already there. You reach between your bodies for his belt. Together, the two of you make quick work of the last of his clothing. And then he’s kissing you again, both his hands and your own caress, rub, and grab at each other. You reach down lower and lower, until you meet his hardened length with your hand. You grip the base and he falters. 

“I’d love that. Really, I want it so bad. But I won’t last, baby.” You squeeze him again and smile up at him, fluttering your eyelashes. “You’re a vixen.” He laughs, kissing you. 

“I want you.” 

“Fuck. I don’t have a condom.” You blink, it’s the first time you’ve ever heard Spencer drop the f-bomb. You giggle. 

“I have some.” One of his eyebrows raises in question and you shrug. “I like to be prepared. They’re over there.” You gesture toward your nightstand and he stretches over to open it. 

“Oh,” he lets out a surprised gasp and just then you remember what else is in your top drawer. “I guess you don’t just use your fingers to masturbate, do you?” He laughs. 

You reach up behind you and grab a pillow and toss it at him. He dodges it and it falls to the floor. “Like I said, I’m a virgin, not inexperienced.” 

Spencer grabs the box of unopened condoms, opens it and pulls one out. He carefully places the box back, his eyes lingering on your menagerie of sex toys. 

“What are you doing?” You ask. 

“I have an eidetic memory. I’m remembering… for later.” He smiles and you feel your heart speed up, pounding against your ribcage. You hadn’t had time to discuss anything past tonight. His smile falters. “I mean – I don’t mean to presume anything. Only if you want.” 

You reach over to him and pull him back toward you, kissing him. “I do. I want there to be a next time. Other times.” 

He looks down at you, searching. “Good, I do too.” He kisses you and only pulls away to put on the condom. He continues his kisses as he moves to position himself, spreading your legs for him. He brushes his thumb over your clit again and you moan. When he lifts his head from yours and glances up at you. You nod your head. 

You feel the tip of him at your entrance, pressing against you, but not fully in. That’s all he does at first, until you move on him and allow him to slip into you. He works himself into you, allowing you to stretch around him. It isn’t uncomfortable, but it’s definitely a new sensation. None of your toys feel like him. Both of you watch as his penis slowly disappears inside of you. He pushes in the last inch with a thrust. There’s a flash of a pinch and you let out a breath. 

“Are you okay?” He asks. 

“Yeah, just give me a second.” He nods, licks his bottom lip and then resumes his circles on your clit. It only takes a few seconds for you to relax on him. You grind your hips, somehow taking him deeper. He groans. “Move, Spencer. Please.” 

He inches out of you and then pushes back in without any urgency or force. He starts the same pattern and rhythm his fingers had used earlier that night. The feeling of him moving inside of you is incredible, you can feel him dragging against your walls. His body against yours, skin to skin, more connected than you’ve ever been with anyone else. Between the feeling of him pumping into and his movement against your clit, it doesn’t take long until you’re clawing at his back, wordlessly asking him for more. He answers, creating a relentless rhythm that you grind your hips to match. 

At some point, your eyes had shut and you hadn’t realized and so you force them open again, wanting to watch Spencer come apart just like he watched you. “You feel so good. Better than I could have imagined.” He starts to ramble. “I can’t believe I get to feel you like this. So good.” 

His eyes shoot down to watch himself slip in and out of you. “Fuck.” He cusses again. You decide you like when he curses, especially if you’re the reason. He moves his hips and his cock finds the same spot his fingers found earlier and you clench around him as you let out a deep groan. 

You lose track of time, it moves at a snail’s pace, but also at the speed of light. Time ceases to exist to you, your world shrinks down to only the two of you, everything else falls away. And then you’re falling again, diving headfirst into an orgasm. 

“Yes, yes. I love feeling you like this. Oh my god… oh fuck. I’m gonna –” he sputters. 

You reach up and pull his lips to yours, kissing him through his own orgasm. He shakes above you as he pumps into you with a final harsh push. And then when he peaks, he slowly fucks into you through his orgasm. He continues to kiss you until both of your breathing returns to normal and then he lifts his head to look at you. 

He smiles and you can’t help it when a huge toothy smile appears on your own face. 

“Are you okay?” He inquires. 

“I’m perfect.” 

His hand reaches up and caresses the side of your face. “You are.” 

The next morning you walk into the office still smiling. Everyone is around the desks, including Spencer. He glances over at you and nods in greeting, as if you hadn’t just said goodbye to him a few hours ago, the first golden rays of dawn streaming through your bedroom window. 

“Good morning.” You say to everyone. You set your go bag down at your desk and Emily smiles over at you, a mischievous glint in her eyes. 

“Oh, Morgan. You had it all wrong.” She teases. 

Morgan looks at Emily and then over to you. “What?” 

“That is the look of a woman who got it real good last night.” Emily laughs, loud and brash. You smile with her and Penelope gasps. 

“Tell. Me. Everything.” She runs over to you and grabs onto your arm. 

“I have no idea what you mean.” You reply innocently. 

JJ smirks. “Oh, she got it real good last night.” 

“Is sex all you guys think about?” You joke. The girls laugh and Morgan still seems confused. Spencer is focused on the file on his desk, but his finger isn’t moving down it and you know he isn’t reading it. “I had a good night last night.” You give a small inch, just to stave them off. Penelope squeals. You grab her hand. “And that’s all I’ll say about it.” 

“Boo!” Emily exclaims. 

Penelope almost pouts. “Oh, you are the worst!” 

“I know!” You laugh gleefully. Spencer looks up for only a split second, but you catch it and he smiles at you. 

“I’ll find out eventually. You do know that, right?” Penelope warns. 

“You are terrifying.” You squeeze her arm and turn away from the group to start on your mountain of files. It’s true that eventually everyone would probably find out about you and Spencer, but for now the two of you get to live in your own personal world. You smile to yourself.

tag list: @spenciesprincess @catalinasroom @tylevx @alicentswife @ingrid69rs @sobbingcryingattsizzles @infinitegalaxiesworld

#spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid smut #spencer reid x reader #kinktober #kinktober 2023 #my writing #ohh my god i did not mean to write this much lmao

[anianurst]

can we have a mini series for the sun and the moon ??? :(

Summary: if you were the moon, Yuji the sun, Megumi the stars, then Satoru was like the earth

A/n: hi anon! hope you like this small conti of my first post. maybe if I can think of another part I'll make a pt 3. this actually turned out to be heavier angst than what I was originally planning (I apologize in advance) I'll say it again: major spoilers for JJK that won't be covered by the anime (yet. probably season 3)

Warning(s): spoilers for the second season (the start of the Shibuya arc), as well as manga chapters 136+, mental breakdown(on readers part ig), megumi's unrequited feelings brought up again, misdirected anger and all-around messy feelings

A lunar eclipse happens when the Earth moves between the Sun and the Moon. As the Moon orbits, it falls into the Earth's shadow, which causes it to temporarily darken or change colors.

'How did all of this happen?' you think to yourself. There's a stillness in the air as you hug your knees closer to your body, trying to hide from the cruel and unforgiving world.

People mindlessly stand around you, an after-effect of being hit by Satoru's domain expansion. Their eyes roll into the back of their heads, and grumbles of nothing slip past their lips. But, you don't pay any mind to them. Not when you're trying to soak up the residues of Satoru's cursed technique, the last things left of him.

The crater left by Satoru seems to keep you tied to the ground. The scatterbrained people, spilled blood, dead, twisted corpses left behind by that patch-face curse, and the insurmountable damage don't mean anything to you. Not when Satoru's been ripped out of your life.

".....!......"

".....y.....!"

"...y/...!...."

"...y/n-chan...!"

You lift your head, eyes blank and body feeling so heavy, to see Iori. Her shoulders rise and fall as heavy breaths escape her, and you wonder where she came from. Her hair's disheveled, a good representation of the shit show that just went down in Shibuya.

Her mouth moves as she speaks, but nothing seems to be heard. Her hand touches the side of your head, and it's covered in red when she pulls back. Oh, so that's why you can't hear very well; you probably had some severe head damage.

The next couple of moments pass in a flash as you let her pull your body up from the ground and out of that forsaken train station. Everything's hazy as your eyes take in the damage down to the city: buildings destroyed, ash basically covering every, blood that's seemed to dry up and turned an ugly brownish-red, and bodies littering the ground.

"y/n!" Yuji says, his voice full of relief as he rushes towards you. His hands quickly come up to cradle your face as he inspects the new scar underneath your right eye. His eyes shine with a bright reassurance at the fact that you weren't killed in Shibuya. It doesn't take long for his oh-so-bright smile to reach his face as he quickly wraps his arms around you, burying his face into your hair to seek comfort.

Megumi stands some ways back as he watches Yuji gush all over you. A heavy pain fills his heart, but it's quickly replaced with relief that you're okay. He steps towards you, and places a hand on your head and says a quiet welcome to you.

You'd break down right about now if it weren't for the fact that your eyes land on a tall, blonde woman seated on the couch. Yuji and Megumi are pushed away in a blur as you quickly grab Yuki by her collar.

A nasty sneer makes it to your face as you glare at her. A destructive aura surrounds you as a vein pops out from your neck. As quick as you were to move, the others in the room swiftly tried to de-escalate the situation.

"y/n! Calm down! She's here to help us!" Yuji says, his hand coming to place itself on your shoulder.

"Help us? Where the fuck was she when all of your friends were dying, huh?" you spit back, eyes never leaving Yuki's as her face turned blank. "Where the fuck were you?" you repeat. "You're a goddamn special grade sorcerer, and yet the only time you fucking show up is after everyone's dead? You fucking slacker."

Your words cause a heavy shift in the room as everyone listens to your tear into Yuki. They all know it's not her who you're mad at, but it's easier to let you lay all your anger into her.

"We're going to go see Tengen-sama," is all she says as she removes your hand from her shirt, quickly rising to her feet and being the first one to leave the basement where you've all sought shelter.

Yuta (ever the good upperclassman) takes a soft step towards you as he ruffles your hair. "I know it's tough, y/n-chan," he tries to comfort.

But instead of thanks in return, all he gets is a scoff of disgust as you turn to look at him with an indescribable look in your eyes. With a suffocating gaze, you move to follow after Yuki. "The only thing she can do for now is give herself up as tribute when it's time for someone else to die," is all you say, your back facing everyone.

'No! No! No!' is all Yuji thinks as he watches you walk out of the basement. This cruel world can't take away your soft smiles from him. Your kind eyes, warm embrace, and ever-radiant warmness! You are supposed to be his shining moon that he looks to for solace, a safe place where he doesn't have to carry the burdens he's been cursed with.

He's stuck in place before Megumi knocks his arm with his elbow and tells him to follow. With a grave heart, he obeys, hoping (no, praying) that this is just a phase, and you'll go back to the girl he loves.

#yuji itadori x reader #yuji x reader #yuji itadori #one sided love on megumis part #megumi x reader #itadori yuuji x reader #jjk x reader #jjk angst #jjk spoilers #jjk x you #jujustsu kaisen x reader

[lacroixqueen]

embers and earth ch. 1 (zuko x jin angst)

Summary: jin finds out "lee" is actually firelord zuko, the new leader of the fire nation. angst and mental breakdown ensues

Word Count: 1.2k

Pairing: zuko x jin

Tags: angst, jealousy, yearning, prince x peasant

Author's Note: this was inspired by fan art but I for the life of me cannot find the artist's name just if you are out there just know you inspired this fic so thank u :v

Jin was absolutely furious the day that she found out. 

She remembered being over the moon the night before when the Earth King announced that the Hundred Year War was finally over. That the fire nation inherited a new leader who would forge peace between all four nations at long last. She recalled sleeping a little bit more deeply that night. A sigh of relief. A breath of fresh air. 

She even had a pep in her step when she ambled into the main marketplace of the Lower Ring in the morning. For the first time in her life, she didn’t need to worry about her safety. She remembered having to escape with her family when fire nation soldiers attacked her village when she was only a little girl. The fear in her father’s eyes. Her mother holding her tight and telling her not to make a sound when she cried. 

But today was a new day. A fresh start. 

She was picking out the ripest cabbage in the stall when she noticed a couple of Dai Li agents putting up posters around the square. She swore to herself she saw a glimpse of a face that looked all too familiar for comfort. She almost didn’t want it to be true. Because if it was, it would confirm too many questions she would stay up asking herself over and over again. 

A small crowd was already beginning to form around one of the posters. She eventually elbowed her way through and made it to the very front. And there it was. 

Firelord Zuko. Future of the Fire Nation. Forging an era of peace. 

Except it wasn’t “Zuko”, or whoever that was. It was Lee. The boy with the scar from the tea shop. She reached out reluctantly, as if she touched the poster he would come walking off the page. She placed the tips of her fingertips over the purple scar that ran across his triumphant face. 

But it’s not possible. Lee said he was of the Earth Kingdom. A traveling circus, was it? Now that she thinks of it, it did sound a little bit too barbaric to be real. But none of that mattered. 

She was fascinated by him. She hung onto his every word. Even though it’s not like he had much to say in the first place. 

After their date, she remembered how excited she was to see him again. She planned out an entire day with him in her mind, replaying the scenarios in her dreams like she was the director of a play. She recalled feeling a bit ridiculous about it, like some giddy fangirl. But she didn’t care. She had never wanted anything more in her life. 

But surprise quickly melted into confusion, which devolved into anger. 

How could he? she thought to herself, trying to piece together the puzzle but it still didn’t make any sense. 

The last time she tried to reach out to him, she burst through the doors of the tea shop, wearing her heart on her sleeve and ready to confess her undying love to him, without so much of a care in the world. But he was gone. In the blink of an eye, tossed away into the wind. 

“Where did he go?” she asked one of the workers, almost dissociated from reality. 

“To the Upper Ring,” he replied, sweeping some dust out of a corner. “His uncle got a job offer to run his own tea business. The Jasmine Dragon, was it? Yeah something like that.”

She felt her own blood run cold. She would only ever occasionally venture up to the Middle Ring, but Upper? She wouldn’t stand a chance. She would be ushered out as quickly as she came in. Not to mention she had no idea where this new store was even located. 

She was inconsolable for several days, of course, but in the back of her mind she knew she couldn’t cry forever. Because time heals all wounds, as her mother would say. 

And she eventually moved on, even though there was always longing within her that she could never quite shake. An ache that pulsated every time she remembered that she would most likely never see him again. 

Her thoughts were beginning to spiral at a rate of a million miles per second. Was he lying to her that entire time? Was that what he meant when he said “it’s complicated”? 

She paused, her entire body frozen. 

Was that how he lit up the lanterns at Firelight Fountain?

She couldn’t even process what was happening, but next thing she knew, she had already scrunched up that stupid poster, much to the crowd’s bickering and dismay, and shred it all up into several pieces. 

Tears were beginning to bud at the bottoms of her eyes. So that’s it. He was a firebender this entire time. But why lie about it? Why keep something so important from her, when he knew how much the fire nation had hurt her family.

Why was she acting like some sort of dramatic schoolgirl? It’s not like they were officially together or anything. It was just one silly date. Why did it mean so much to her anyway?

She walked briskly home, attempting, but failing horribly to conceal her tearstained face.

She opened the door to her modest home, without even bothering to close it gently, and stormed up the stairs to her bedroom. 

“Jin, were you able to get the vegetables I needed?” her mother called from the kitchen but she wasn’t even able to muster up a response. 

She flung herself onto the cot splayed out in the middle of the floor, grabbing her pillow and holding it close to her chest. 

Stupid, stupid, stupid, she kept telling herself. Why did she care so much anyway? It doesn’t even matter. None of it. 

Lee or Zuko, what difference did it make? 

He was still going to be a million worlds apart. Whether that was the Jasmine Dragon in the Upper Ring or the palace in the Fire Nation. 

She could weep and yearn for her entire life, and then what? He would just descend into the dilapidated shacks of the Lower Ring and sweep her off her feet? She knew the chance of that happening was zero to none. So why hope? Why cling onto this tiny shred of faith that had no meaning otherwise?

She played with the thought a little bit, after all, she was a hopeless romantic at heart. But the fantasy dissipated as quickly as it formed. 

It’s best to forget any of this ever happened, she decided for herself after an entire afternoon of contemplation. There’s no use in staying in the past. Besides, he probably never thinks of her these days. He’s busy running his own country, and creating a new era for the world. 

After all, why would some Earth Kingdom peasant ever cross the firelord’s mind?

#atla #avatar netflix #avatar the last airbender #zuko #prince zuko #fire lord zuko #atla zuko #jin x zuko #zuko x jin #zuko x reader #zuko fanfic #zuko fic #zuko atla #the gaang #atla gaang #netflix avatar

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not breaking up a friendship?

Hi. So me (27F) and my partner (36M) have been together for over 3 years now. Relationship is great and I love him so much, and he loves me back. We start to actually make a living together.

But recently there has been a little conflict. I have a friend (30M, let's call him V) who I have known since I was 13 and him 16, so that's half of my life, and vast majority of my "conscious" life. And my relationship with him is.. well. I know, it will look and sound badly and I don't blame my boyfriend for feeling insecure but also I am not willing to cut V out of my life entirely.

Like I said we've known each other for so long I can't imagine my life without him. We've been saving each other from depression and SA. He used to have problem with d*ugs, I've been there for him and help him get clean and he's free of addiction for almost a decade now. And whenever I had my mental breakdowns he was also always there for me, he knows ways to calm me down when I have panic attacks. We've seen each other at our lowest and pulled ourselves up. We can almost read each other's minds at this point.

V has lived through all of my relationships too, he himself having his own. But our dynamic wasn't fully platonic, we did get close to each other inbetween the relationships and even thought and tried to be together. But we both have very explosive temperaments and felt like it wouldn't work cuz we would eventually hurt each other being this close so we decided not to be together in the awe of it ruining our friendship forever. Nevertheless we do have a history of going back and forth.

For the past couple of years V has lived in Canada, I live in Europe (I'd like not to disclose where exactly). He is also married to a man. (He's bi and so am I so that was one of the things that brought us close) So we rarely actually see each other in person, he does come to visit his son from previous relationship who lives with his mom, once or more a year. V does music for living so that allows him to be more mobile. And everytime he visits it's like no time has passed. We could not see e/o for a full year and then it's like he never left.

Like I mentioned, there has always been some mutual attraction between us, I admit he is a very handsome man but the thought of being with him gives me an ick. I just couldn't handle some of his lifestyle decisions and my current partner with his calmness, caring and purest heart is a true blessing for me. For the first time of my life I feel life this is "it". And V has quite different personality, he's not a bad person or anything but his dynamic is just not what I need from a life partner.

Couple of years back when he was abroad I was in a relationship that turned out to be abusive. I was with this crazy jelaous, controlling, toxic person and we fought almost daily to the point where I wouldn't leave my bed for hours because of anxiety and depressive states. One time the ex went too far with his hands and the tension between us was over the top. We lived together at the time. When I told V what happened he came over once ex was off to work, helped me pack my bags and leave the house and then he stayed with me in his family house for couple of weeks making sure I was ok. He even almost beat up that guy.

My partner was aware of this friendship and even met V once. My past with V wasn't the preffered subject at the dinner table so we didn't speak much about it but he never told me directly I should cut V off or that he doesn't want me to meet him. I'd say he was rather cool, as in cold, about the whole thing.

But recently V told me he is coming back to Europe for longer, claiming he wants to spend more time with his son and try to be a more present dad. I also know that him and his husband have been going through a crisis lately, but V hasn't said anything about separation or divorce.

When I told my partner about V staying in the country for some indefinite amount of time we had an argument. He said he doesn't feel comfortable when V is around me, that he has a very good reason to be mad and that he's hurt I didn't come up with the idea of limiting the friendship. I admit, I got a little carried away and angry. I said he is not the one to decide who can be in my life and who cannot and that I will not allow anyone to control my friendships. As in the mentioned abusive ex-relationship, that was very much the case and I developed some sort of PTSD. My ex was jelaous of me meeting with my family or beeing in the uni classroom and doing project with male friends and wanted me to not have anyone in my life beside him.

My partner then said he feels like he's some sort of a backup in case the relationship fails and that he fears we will end up together either way and that to move forward he needs to be sure he is the number one for me. I love him with all my heart and regarding the thing he said of me and V getting together... I wouldn't want it that way, V and I were very clear about it and talk about it if needed. But I understand my partner feels... abandoned in a way. I love him so much, he means the world to me but I also don't want to lose a friendship so dear and long whom I've been through almost everything together. I've known V for 14 years, my partner and I are together for over 3 and I have had a relationship longer than that already.

Am I the asshole for not pushing V away when my partner asked me to? Would it be the right thing to do?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[icaruspendragon]

cw: grooming, suicide, mental health

i know a lot of times when we see/hear the word grooming we think of a certain kind of victim of a very particular crime. to help clarify, i’m gonna give a concrete definition for what i’m taking about

so finding out this is something that’s been happening to me for the past few months sure hasn’t been, ya know, great. and i don’t feel great about it or myself.

nearly every. single. box. i get to check almost all those boxes. fortunately, the sexual aspect isn’t a facet of what i went through.

idk. i’m just. i’m hurt. i feel violated. i was manipulated and lied to and gaslit and taken advantage of and used. i feel used. and i think the worst part is that i’m still scared to talk about it. because the people involved would make my life even more miserable than they have already if i named names. they’re still finding ways to hurt me even in my silence. and i just. i don’t know what to do. i don’t have the mental fortitude to deal with the fallout that would happen if i said something but i feel an obligation to say something because this exact thing is still happening to others. i feel trapped.

i’ve talked about it in therapy. but i just don’t know how to deal with it. especially because all of the sudden my brain decided it was time for me to start processing my brother’s suicide. and this abuse started to happen literally days after he died. i feel like an emotional live wire. i cannot stress enough how much i’m not having thoughts of harming myself but i feel so used and so empty and so tired. and i can’t even talk about it. not really. not unless i wanna make it worse.

i managed to finally get out and i’m still scared of what they can do to me.

how the fuck do you handle this? what do i do now? because i feel sick to my stomach with fear and anxiety making this post but i can’t have all of this floating around in me anymore. i had to let some of it out. and i’m scared about what’s going to happen to me now.

that’s why i’ve been online less. that’s why the quality of what i have been putting online hasn’t been the best. between finding out i was emotionally and mentally manipulated and abused for months by people i thought were friends and being treated subhuman at work. i’ve had all the life zapped out of me.

that’s part of why i’m pushing patreon so hard right now. so i can at least leave my job and hope that doing so will free up the mental and emotional space to address the fact that at twenty-five-fucking-years-old i got groomed.

something has got to change. i feel like i’m at the end of my rope and that rope is about to snap.

once again, i’m not having any dangerous thoughts. but i feel like i’m on the cusp of a complete and total mental breakdown.

i just wanna catch a fucking break, man. it really does feel like one thing after the other.

so yeah. i’m scared and sad and empty and i feel dirty and used and violated and it’s sucking every ounce of joy out of me. i just wanted to focus on being able to be creative full time. on making people smile and laugh. on helping others. that’s all i want to do and now i barely have the energy to shower.

it’s not fair. after everything i’ve been through i get to add another thing to the list and it’s just. not. fair.

it’s been a really, really hard couple of weeks on top of having and really, really hard past eight months.

anyway. that’s why i’ve been like this recently.

if any of that looked/sounded familiar, here’s the site i got the info from. you should check it out.

and maybe talk to your therapist.

#personal post #suicide cw #grooming cw #mental health #fellas what do you do when you’ve been taken advantage for months during the worst time of your life by ppl you thought cared about you?

[luanna801]

I saw a post recently to the effect of “If you’re going to do the reincarnated wife plot in Dracula, it would at least make more sense if Dracula’s reincarnated love was Renfield”, and I think that’s a very intriguing thought, but I’d like to suggest an alternative idea that’s taken over my brain lately: Renfield as Van Helsing’s offscreen “mad wife”, who we briefly hear mentioned in the book but never see or learn any details about.

Let me just lay out my case here:

Van Helsing has a wife who, we’re told, is mentally ill and presumably in an asylum. Her mental breakdown is often assumed to have had something to do with Dracula, even though there’s nothing in the text that explicitly suggests this.

Renfield is a man around Van Helsing’s age (presumably - Renfield is explicitly 59, and Van Helsing seems to be middle-aged) who’s mentally ill and in an asylum. His mental illness is often assumed to have been caused by Dracula, although there’s nothing in the text that explicitly suggests this.

We never see Van Helsing’s wife onscreen, nor do we learn any details about her as a person, her relationship with Van Helsing, or the events that led her to where she is at the time of the book. It’s often theorized to be in some way connected with the death of Van Helsing’s son (also briefly mentioned but not elaborated on), which I think makes sense, but again, we know no details. Did she have a breakdown from the grief of losing her son, or did the same thing that killed Van Helsing Jr drive her out of her mind? Or is it a bit of both?

Van Helsing obviously couldn’t go around referring to a “husband” or male lover in the Victorian era, so it makes total sense that (when he can get away with it) he’d refer to having lost a “wife” to make people understand the kind of grief he’s talking about without giving himself away.

Now, to be clear, I absolutely don’t think this is canon, nor does it work seamlessly as an interpretation of canon. There are a number of nuances in canon that point against it - let’s start by looking at Van Helsing’s full statement about his wife:

“... and me, with my poor wife dead to me, but alive by Church’s law, though no wits, all gone—even I, who am faithful husband to this now-no-wife...”

“By Church’s law” means that the Church still considers them married despite Mrs. Van Helsing’s condition, which obviously makes no sense for a relationship between two men that the Church wouldn’t have recognized in the first place. And that would be a very random thing for Van Helsing to throw in there if it wasn’t true.

Also, this is a very delicate topic (and the whole thing touches uncomfortably close to ableism, obviously), but... the way Van Helsing talks about his wife here - “dead to me, though alive by Church’s law”, “no wits, all gone” - makes me picture someone who isn’t as lucid and aware as Renfield seems to be. Like maybe someone who’s in a catatonic state, or who’s so completely lost her sense of reality that she wouldn’t even recognize Van Helsing or be able to interact with him in anything approaching a normal way anymore.

So no, I don’t think it 100% works within canon - but what’s striking to me is how seamlessly it fits into the canon framework if an adaptation or AU fic chose to go this route, while also bringing a ton of new dramatic and emotional potential to the table.

And I can see them making sense as a couple, is the thing. They’re both very intelligent, creative, and intellectually curious (and, perhaps, a bit high-handed at times). Jack writes that Van Helsing has “an absolutely open mind” and “his views are as wide as his all-embracing sympathy” - despite being a scientist whose work is rooted in facts and logic, he’s willing to consider ideas that others might consider absolutely crazy, like the existence of vampires. And the same, of course, is true of Renfield as well. He’s not just a crazy person with random crazy delusions - there’s a clear logic behind the ideas he’s pursuing, and one that isn’t even entirely bizarre when we consider that he exists in a world where vampirism is real.

The way Renfield systematically sets up investigating his theories, moving from one carefully planned stage to another and recording the results in his notebook at each phase, is like a twisted science experiment (again, something Jack specifically notes about him). And I wonder if there isn’t a clue to his past life there: Maybe once upon a time he was doing actual science experiments - unconventional ones, to be sure, maybe pursuing ideas that other people would dismiss as ridiculous, but not anything twisted or harmful. And I can imagine Van Helsing being absolutely fascinated by the work he was doing - that both of them, in fact, would have valued having someone they could always brainstorm with and discuss any idea, without the limitations that narrower minds might place on them.

I’m also kind of obsessed with the dramatic potential of the fact that the first time they interact face-to-face in the book is the scene where Renfield is begging to be let out of the asylum. Like imagine if up to that point, everything’s played out exactly the way it does in the novel - you have the scene of Van Helsing talking about his “wife” (maybe even in a bit more detail, in a scene where he’s trying to comfort Jack or something?), and you have Renfield having his whole plot unfold, and there’s absolutely no hint that there’s any connection between the two. And then suddenly you have that scene, and from the second Van Helsing walks into the room you see that immediate moment of recognition between him and Renfield.

And Jack is oblivious to this, going through the rounds of introducing everybody, and meanwhile Van Helsing and Renfield are just staring at each other in absolute silence. Like cannot take their eyes off each other, the rest of the gang might as well not even be there.

Until, before Jack can get up to Van Helsing’s introduction, Renfield very calmly and clearly says “Hello, Abraham.”

And like, how does that change Van Helsing’s reaction when Renfield starts pleading??? Would he beg Jack to go along with it? Or would he just be standing there frozen, not trusting himself to speak in case his feelings are clouding his ability to think clearly?? How much of an emotional punch does it add to the scene if Renfield can turn to him and say “You used to trust me before; why won’t you trust me now??”

Bear in mind, even in canon Van Helsing admits if it had been up to him, he would have been about to let Renfield go (at least, up until “that last hysterical outburst”). How much more might that be the case if he has an emotional connection to this man on top of everything else?

I think, if it was up to me, I wouldn’t directly tie Dracula into their backstory - that feels too pat and simplistic IMO. But I think I’d have it that their son was preyed on and eventually killed by a vampire, and they didn’t realize what was happening in time to save him. Afterwards, their attempts to piece together what had happened account for both the fact that Van Helsing clearly has some pre-existing knowledge of vampires (but is clearly not the expert vampire hunter pop culture often portrays him as), and also the cause of Renfield’s current obsession. I can imagine the grief and trauma of having lost his son, along with the unreality of starting to understand that something totally outside of the normal world did it, taking a toll on his probably already-not-great mental health until his attempts to solve what happened spiral into a full-on breakdown and end up with the obsession with vampirism we see in the novel.

(How do they have a son as a gay couple in the Victorian era, you ask? I honestly don’t think it’s that hard to justify. You can either say Van Helsing did previously have a wife and was widowed, or that it’s an orphaned kid one of them took in as a ward and considered their son (similar to Jonathan’s situation with Mr. Hawkins, perhaps?)).

I don’t think it was bad, at all, for the novel to leave some things up to the reader’s imagination, but I also really love how this idea allows us to take two tiny scraps of backstory which are either only vaguely hinted at (Van Helsing’s) or almost completely unaddressed (Renfield’s), and combine them into something which can add a lot of depth and emotional impact for both characters. It takes those hints that we know from canon, and even some of the more well-known theories attempting to fill in those gaps, and combines them  into one story that (to me) seems to fit together seamlessly while also fleshing things out beyond canon. It gives us a totally different picture of who Renfield was before he was in the asylum - a brilliant and unconventional scientific mind, a man who had a partner and son he loved and loves deeply - and a sense of everything he lost. And at the same time, it takes Van Helsing’s lost love from being a nameless and faceless woman we know literally nothing about, to a character who’s a major part of the narrative and who we get the chance to know in depth in his own right.

I just think there’s a lot of potential there, if a retelling of Dracula ever chooses to go that route.

#dracula #dracula daily #abraham van helsing #r.m. renfield #rm renfield #van helsing jr. #headcanon #books #literature #bram stoker #love #romance #shipping #rambling

[lutawolf]

Between Us Episode 2 Commentary and Review

We start this episode with Team entering his room. He seems to be having a slight mental breakdown. Oh! loving the flashbacks, give us the goods. What the fuck did Team google though? Protection? If you've already done it just go with it and enjoy? Is he freaking out over the gay sex or that he did a one-night stand. Both me thinks. Poor baby is dealing with a double whammy. As my daughter would say "Get Fucked." In this case, he literally did.

Look at Win being thrilled. He likes that he was marked. That smile. Ha! Who you are calling kid, kid. Meanwhile, Team is telling all his friends that he is sick. More likely, his ass isn't feeling well.

Nerd boy and Manow moment!

Here comes Win to ruin that moment, though. He wants to know where his boy is. Look at this lack of respect for their moment. He is too busy getting alarmed over Team being sick to even know that he is scaring poor Manow. Daddy mode activated.

You can run Team, but you can't hide! He really went to close the door on Win! How rude! I love it, though. 🤣🤣🤣 He was concerned, Team, can't you tell. Isn't it written all over his face. 👀👀👀 Love the bratty attitude that Team is throwing at Win, but he gonna pay for that. See, I told you. Look at that gentle correction. He is caging him. Team immediately shows submission by saying Hia! Win rewards him with food.

Team is not fully giving in though. He is still showing attitude, just softer now. We are seeing a lot of back and forth that I'm really enjoying. "Just eat the damn food." If you pay attention though, we are seeing a much softer Win compared to before. He is showing a much softer side to Team than before and in comparison, to what others get to see.

Ha! Team just now figuring out that Win shouldn't know where he lives. The answer is registration paperwork, and Dean helped! 🤣🤣🤣 Omg! I love these coconuts so much. They have such an enjoyable Brat Tamer and brat relationship.

Win saying that it's him taking responsibility. Such a good Dom Daddy. Oh, look at Win using the word, Destiny. Guys... Win already knows what he wants. Look at that smile at Team when he says, "What destiny? More like Karma that led me to you." I think he is good with that Team.

The A, B, and C gang are such coconuts. Yeah, it's because of you that he had gay sex. If you only knew, but I thank you for it.

Win got questions, and you can't hide from them, Team. Notice he is keeping to the Hia, though. So hot. Nobody believes you were just feeling lazy, Team. Look at Win being blunt. That's a mark of a true Dom. Love it. I really love the bluntness and communication. He is asking questions and making statements when needed to get clarification. He wants to make sure that Team enjoyed that night. Teams defense is to run, though.

He might be giving brat mode, but he is keeping it respectful. Even the arm grab isn't bad because he is still talking respectfully. He is being pushed up against a wall, though, and he doesn't like it. Win lays it out. Look how he is watching Team's face. Notice he is unbothered by Team pushing him out because now he knows it's just Team needing adjustment time. Why is he so unbothered? Because subs are allowed to set boundaries too, and Team needs his. Now that he knows it really isn't an issue about him, he's good.

That deep breath that Team takes in. He cares for Win. He is just inexperienced and clueless. Look at Win telling him to mind his business. Love this because you see the clear contrast between how Win treats others and how he treats Team.

Parents don't look happy with Waan. I'm not sure what is going on here yet. Bitch don't talk to your wife like that. Oh, T-Rex heard it all and we know who T-Rex is. T-Rex now knows Waan's identity too. We are getting a lot of side couples this episode. T-Rex got some feelings going on already.

Look at Win grabbing his moment. He knows what he wants, and he is going to get it. Red and Blue again. Love it. I adore how in Until We Meet Again, we were dealing with a couple that are already established soulmates. Those who had already created a destiny for themselves for each life here on out. With Win and Team, we are seeing the beginning of that. How that type of relationship starts, molds, and is created.

Back to them fighting over the car ride. "We are going to the same place! Be generous!" "An heir to a resort like you is worried about gas?" That should tell you something Team, but I get it, you don't have the experience to understand if he is playing or not.

I'm really glad they aren't recapping everything with Dean and Pharm but giving us new elements. The Trio! Spill your guts to Pharm. This friendship really reminds me of the coconuts mafia. Love Manow, love so much. This friend group is all sneaky.

Team hands over some desert to Dean that's from Pharm. Dean seems to be confused as to why Pharm didn't do it himself and look at this brat just ratting out his friend. Look at Win being jealous sadist. Love it. Talk back and get punished. You got what you deserved, Team. See the arm grab around Team's neck. How many of you have seen that out in public, and it made you so uncomfortable, but it didn't even register here? There is a huge difference between a Dom doing it with vs. an insecure abusive dick. There is a whole different body language to it. While Win has Team hooked, Team could actually easily get away if he wanted. He is whining for the fun of it. There is plenty of space, though.

I loved Dean's little smile. Now we are watching them eat breakfast together, and Team is observing Win's habits. The seasoning comment is important because remember he bought Team a meal with lots of spice. Team observed that who does this for a sick person. So, one might assume that Win bought what he likes. However, we learn here that Win when choosing his own food doesn't do spicy. Team is from the South, where they put a shit ton of spice. It's Team who is used to spice and likes it.

Look at Win trying to slip in that ownership and Team not having it. Again, Win is simply amused. Look at T-Rex outing Win. Win is just being a good guy. Nah, Win isn't going to out either of them till Team is ready. Though he would likely make it clear that they are together if it were up him. Do you see the difference in how he talks to Team vs. T-Rex, even though T-Rex is a friend. Then, look at him opening up Team's bottle. Now Win his opening up. Look at him calling his brothers stupid. I'm dying. I've been known to feel that way about my siblings for sure.

Opps, you stepped on a mind field with that one Win. He sees it, though, and doesn't push. I totally see Win being that bad boy type. Oh wait, because he still is. Love, love the communication that Win is giving. He knows Team isn't ready, but he is, so he is showing all his cards. You are going to deny seeing them when you see them during swimming. I'm so dead. And the Sadist strikes. "But the tattoo below the swim trunks, only you have seen it." That smile at making Team shy. Haha!

This friendship trio should be interesting, too. It's such a contrast to the sub trio. Ha, don't talk about his man. Win knows what he wants. Then bam, we are back in the swim locker room. Win pushed too hard, but Team is letting him know. Support? Is this how we support these days? I need some support. Oh no, I don't need a drink. Fucking product placement. Yes, a kiss. Sweet!!!

Everybody going to try and get their mack on. These fucking coconuts. Manow how many times you going to sigh. These two are such dorky cuties. Win is staring some daggers. That smile from Win when Team said he had to wait on a friend. Abso-fucking-love-it!

Look how easily he took Win's hand without thinking. Oh, a command. "Kiss me." Team with his one foot up. So, fucking cute! Once again Win gives Team the choice to follow him. Which Team easily does. Tell me that slam against the locker wasn't hot! Who else rewound? Just me 👀👀👀 Damn these two know how to bring the chemistry. Don't think that Win is annoyed. You would be mistaken. See how tender that kiss is. He isn't even pushing until Team gets it out. Now he can reassure him. Win values communication. Doesn't matter when. Because look at how more invested Team is now that he has had reassurances. More communication, love it!

Yup, that's definitely two Doms going at it. Even if Team is submissive in their relationship, that doesn't mean there won't ever be a leak through. It just depends on the relationship and what is allowed. If you watch, though, Team's hands are loose while Win's are in control.

This episode was so good! I can't wait for next week! Hope you guys enjoyed this!

#between us the series #between us #between us kink #luta talks kink #coconuts mafia

[spoodlebat]

OC-tober day 3/4: Old OC/Redesign

This one took me a few days so I'm combining the two prompts ^^ It would have been the same oc regardless anyway so it makes sense to given the tasks. I very rarely draw mechs so I hope you'll excuse the identical style to Zerrinth's post; symmetry is just so much easier when it comes to designing and basic posing.

His name is Delta, and he's an OC who I've had for a very long time.

Extremely long ramblings, timelapse and original art under the cut

I'll frontload this with the character lore and timelapse; if anyone cares for my breakdown of the oc itself, that'll be the huge ramble at the bottom ^^

D-17, going these days by Delta, is an autonomous multi-function guard unit. Originally from a world shrouded in eternal night, he and his charge Amyss fled its destruction in their ship, the ArchWing, to the planet of Soniterra. Spending their time amongst my other ocs, they now live amongst its denizens in secrecy, studying the world of light and sound through void-borne awe and wonder.

Powered by a zynal core, Delta is mechanically minded and quiet most of the time; tweaks to his functionality by Amyss have given him something of a sassy streak, however, and he's not afraid to giving a gentle ribbing to (or occasionally completely devastate) a poor friend with sharp remarks every once in a while.

Able to rearrange panels and parts of his body, as well as altering the shape and location of the hardlight parts of his form, Delta is capable of minor shapeshifting. He can also very precisicly manipulate tools and objects, capable of working on engineering projects at microscopic levels without any form of magnification or complex set ups with ease. Combining these skills means he is a very capable engineer, and has even rebuilt a living body into a partial cyborg to save someone's life. Though the world he now lives on seems primitive and inefficient by his standards, he does not usually feel arrogant about it; the mechanics of its tech are so different and new to him that he is ever interested in studying it.

A highly capable combatant, D-17's original purpose was to protect the outpost he and Amyss lived within from creatures of void. Energy beams firing from his hands and sharp blades forming from his body kept him and his charges safe, but the planet's end signalled an end to his guarding duties.

Ok, rambling time ;w;

I don't know exactly when I made this guy, but I remember writing about him all the way back in primary school, in blue pen on lined paper that I kept in my little organiser tray. That would be about age 6 or 7, making this guy almost twenty years old in real time ;-;

This OC is old enough to drink and vote in the uk, good fuckin lord

His origins start even earlier, in fact; he's an amalgamation of a couple of simple characters I made as a small child, including one of those 'running along the side of the road' guys you'd imagine on long car trips. Timelines and memories are fuzzy after 2 decades, but I'd imagine those guys are from at least a year or so before I squished all those ideas under one single name. So a solid 19 years, and a potential 20-21 easily :') wow.

Delta is actually old enough that I hadn't done much drawing by this point in my life, and so I mostly wrote things instead. Those old papers are around here somewhere, but design-wise he's never been truly nailed down; just a basic mental image and the odd description or two. The one exception is an old pixel art piece I made of him in mspaint, back on the Family Computer (remember those? ^^). I was a huge fan of pokémon fusions at the time, and I'd spend ages mixing up their sprites to see what I could do. Eventually I moved onto making things from scratch (scratch spriting, what a fun term), and that lead to the one and only time I've ever drawn this guy. It took way too long, it's very clunky, and I no longer have the original file :c Lost long ago in the move between computer to laptop I imagine. Instead, I managed to find it in a gloriously 240p youtube upload set to a Linkin Park song ^^ ah child me, you never left.

All the way from 2010, here's the best surviving version I could find. And yes, the youtube bar at the bottom is in the shot; you want to fight me over it, go find and screenshot it yourself :)

It's weirdly posed, has literally only 1 shade of grey + shading for colour, the design makes very little sense, especially for the chest and torso, and he looks a lot more evil than I intended. Despite a few efforts that went nowhere later in life though, I just never managed to redraw or redesign him in a way I was happy with. So for a long time, this grey pointy spriteart has been all I ever saw of Delta. Figured he was long, long, LONG overdue an update, and so here we are :)

Though he might look very different now and have actual anatomy knowledge informing his structure now, who'd have thunk? I tried very hard to keep intact the core design features that 13 year old me added in. It's the same fella after all! Here's a quick list of basic ones, since most of them are subtle but intentional after all:

-Glass/screen face with digital expression; I think taking the top off frees him up to look cleaner, but underneath was always a smooth screen. This way he can see above himself too ^^ -'Bunny ears'; little antenna/paddles that originate from the endless runner character, who was originally something of a rabbit -Shoulder-mounted boosters. Pretty self explanatory. -Upper arm loops; this one was actually a coincidence! I guess 2010 me and 2023 me both thought the upper arm needed something ^^ -Elbow plates; these were like. A big thing. Originally able to shapeshift into blades and other tools, I had to keep them in. It wouldn't be delta without them. They're just less... accidentally lethal now ^^ old design was POINTY -Split shins; the original shins have a pair of plates on them that form a sort of 'cuff' above the foot. I honoured this by making the feet the same way, the ankle connecting between the two sides. -Spikes! His hips were feeling a little.. empty? So I gave him some electromagnetic spikey blade things he can use as tools, as well as some hardlight claw hands.

#spoodle draws #digital art #art #potatoposting #bweird oc tober #bweirdoctober #robot #redesign #oc #original character

[jamesblackshaw]

New Album Pre-order

Dear all, Eight years have passed since my last album ‘Summoning Suns’ was released. A while back, feeling burnt out and like I wanted to find a bit more stability in my life, I decided to take a break from live performances and at least take my foot off the pedal a little bit with regards to writing and recording. That announcement sounded more dramatic than I intended in retrospect, but here we are in 2023, with nearly a decade of insanity between now and what felt like a comparatively breezy summer back in 2014 when I was making my last record. Life finds a way of getting in the way. Every time I wanted to jump back in and play again, it felt like something would dishearten me. The pandemic and the sudden passing of one of my best friends and closest collaborators - John Hannon, who recorded nearly everything I've ever made – in particular. I never found the stability I craved, bouncing around between bar and kitchen jobs. A couple of them I liked a fair bit. Others were awful. One even resulted in a nervous breakdown/mixed episode that lasted three months. The closest thing I found to the sense of self-worth and achievement I had while I was making music was cooking my own food, in my own food business. It's hard work a lot of the time certainly, but seeing people enjoy something you’ve made from start to finish is such a rewarding experience. I was beginning to take that job even more seriously as a full-time gig when I slipped on some black ice and broke my right shoulder one evening in mid-December last year. Aside from coping with the pain, I found myself unable to move my arm, out of work with little support and at home caring for my dog Dexter, who was diagnosed with terminal liver disease a couple days after my fall and passed away this February. For months I wondered when – and if – I’d be able to play guitar again and I wanted so desperately to throw myself back into music, to communicate something or anything at all about this overwhelming sense of loss I was feeling. I’m happy to say I'm now in good health, both physically and mentally. In fact, at the time of writing, I’m about to play a show in London this coming week. It’ll be my first since I played Oslo in early 2020. I’m also incredibly excited to announce that I’ve just started work on a new instrumental album. There’s no title yet and the cover photo you see here is just a placeholder. I plan to release the album by the end of this year and I’d be incredibly grateful for your help in achieving that. By pre-ordering on Bandcamp, you’ll be helping me enormously with recording costs, repairs, paying other musicians for their time and of course my own time. When I started out, I was fortunate that a lot of these expenses were covered by small advances from the labels I worked with, but sadly I don’t think many labels have that sort of money in such trying times. You’ll receive the full digital album as soon as it’s released, no later than the 31st of December 20203. This album will not be available to stream on Spotify or for purchase digitally anywhere else but here. Please do let me know if you’d be interested in purchasing a CD or LP later down the line. If there’s enough interest and it ends up going to press in the future, I’d like to offer everybody who pre-orders the digital version a discount so they can get their preferred version and not pay twice for both digital and physical. I truly appreciate your support and don't take it for granted. I hope this will be the first of a lot more new music to come. James Blackshaw, 03/06/23 

#Bandcamp

[xplrvibes]

on a serious note, are the boys actually okay? they seem so distant and they look drained. and let me just say, i'm sure this isn't the girls' fault. the boys aren't being held at gun point to stay with them. like you said, if they're making snc miserable, they wouldn't be with them.

I truly don't know. They aren't very forthcoming on xplrclub these days, either; the party line seems to be that they just have a lot of moving parts in their lives and are very busy.

If you want my honest theory, they should've taken a long, serious break after Colby recovered from chemo last year. There shouldn't have been a hell week or anything like that. They should've been on a hiatus.

Colby was declared cancer free at the end of June(ish?), and they were back to filming, editing, and traveling full-time by early July. That is just not enough time, physically or mentally, to adjust or process the whirlwind of everything that had happened.

They dove headfirst into grinding at the same level they were at pre-cancer and I just don't think that was a good idea.

Couple that with all the other crap going on right now - the Conjuring shit, the fans, the constant travel, the fact that Colby is still doing over 50% of the editing when he damn well shouldn't be, etc - and I honestly just think they are treading water and spinning plates.

Especially Colby. Sam...I don't know. It's hard to get a read on him. That philosophy he's always spouting really never actually says all that much, if you truly look at it sideways. The message he seems to be throwing out there is, "Everything sucks but also everything's cool and I'm just gonna focus on the cool and keep it moving," which...ok. Have fun, I guess, but that approach to life has to be exhausting after a while.

Then again, Sam does seem more animated and interested in their recent appearances on public podcasts and interviews, whereas again, Colby just seems to be checking out mentally. So, idk. Maybe Sam's just having an easier time putting the "Sam and Colby LLC" mask on right now, but I noticed it with Colby way before I noticed anything with Sam.

As for their distance - to put it plainly, the internet sucks. Colby has made it apparent for years that it's hard for him to see the things said about him online, to the point where he admitted to having a breakdown about it all about a year or so ago, and has recently said he can't even look at comments anymore. Even Sam, who always seemed to have a more healthy wall up between him and the uglier side of social media, has recently made a few comments suggesting that he, too, is sick of it. So, that coupled with just being busy and having a lot of shit to do in a day - it's really easy, if something needs to be eliminated from your daily schedule for you to have more free time and a better quality of life, to cut social mesia from the roster.

I also lowkey think they are starting to be sick of the paranormal stuff, but that's just me.

I think they need to take a break, sit down, and really work on restructuring their business and their lives in a way where it isn't so go-go-go and the onus for everything isn't on them. They need to take a break from social media and the rat race that it can be, and they both need some serious therapy.

But I'm sure they will do none of that, so this cycle will probably continue in perpetuity.

#asks

[leelee1234love]

Your on your period

18+ Minors DNI!!!

Full Masterlist

Cobra Kai Masterlist

Miguel:it was the middle of science class and you was sitting next to miguel and demetri , a couple of minutes past and you jusy knew and remembered you was due so you began to panick because you didnt have any pads or tampons with you, miguel noticed you was acting weird so he wrote down on a piece of paper 'are you okay? ♡︎' you wrote back no and he quietly whispered to you "whats wrong?" "im on my period and i dont know what to do" you whispered berg quietly back. He put his hand up and said "y/n feels ill can i walk her to the nurse sir" the teacher said yes and you both went to a shop to buy you pads or tampons(or anything you prefer) once you had found a bathroom and sorted yourself out you wouldnt stop thanking him and apoligizing for wasting his time,be immediately told you to stop apoligizing and took you too his house to have a movie marathon and cuddle.

Eli/hawk:you get very hormonal on your period and perticularly today your emotions were everywhere and you was watching peppa pig(idk why lmao) but in the episode you was watching susy was just plain evil and you started crying like having a full mental breakdown and when hawk heard you crying he immediately ran up to you and asked you whats wrong "s-susy is such a bad f-friend" you said between sobs "whos susy?" Hawk replied in a very confused tone and you just pointed to the tv "are you being serious?" Hawk said which made you cry even more "n-no! Dont cry its okay i-uh susy is a horrible friend" he said trying to comfort you and you just kept crying ,when hawk caught on that you was on your period throughout the day he went to a corner shop and got you your fav/f and he got you some more pads or tampons(or whatever u prefer) and he tried to not say anything that would offend you or make you sad for the rest of the day.

Demetri:you and Demetri were cuddling in his bed with your head on his chest and Demetri was gonna pee himself so he sprinted to the toilet and when he came back he turned the light on and that's when he saw it the red stain under you and on your shorts "OMG-ARE YOU OKAY ARE YOU DYING?" Demetri was screaming at you thinking that you was dying and bleeding to death "please don't die" he nearly had a heart attack until you told him you was on your period "oh- I-uh are you okay?" Demetri was now as red as a tomato  "yea but uh I need pads/tampons(or whatever your prefer) demetri went to the store to get you some but didn't know which ones you like or if you even have a preference so he texted you And when you told him what they looked like or the name he got them and bought you some snacks too. When he got back he washed his bedsheets and put new ones on and gave you some of his joggers to wear (which were really baggy on you) and then you guys are snacks and did a movie marathon of all your favourite films.

Robby:Robby would usually keep track of your period because he found it really stupid asking you all the time because you would get mad or sad at him cause of your mood swings so instead he just kept track and when he checked in the morning and saw you was due he bought some of your fav things and some pads/tampons(or whatever you prefer) because you was running out and then you guys chilled at his house and whenever you got a bad cramp he would give you a heating pad and massage your stomach.

Young daniel larusso:he knew instantly because you was always really sensitive on your period and would cry over the littlest things so he tried his best to not say anything that would make you upset or annoyed and when he did he would immediately not talk until you said it was okay for him to again and it might sound bad to others but you both knew it would stop unnecessary arguments and meltdowns for you both so you guys would just cuddle and watch films together all day.

Young johnny lawrence:Johnny knew what a period was but he never actually knew what it was if that makes sense so when you told him you was on yours he was very confused on what he should like if he should hug you or not touch you so he kind of did a mixture of both which was making you really upset because you didn't know why he was acting like that and confronted him after a day or two "Johnny why are you being like this?" You said randomly while you both were cuddling "what do you mean?" He answered back genuinely confused "well you keep being really cuddly and clingy and then you won't even touch me" Johnny knew exactly what you meant now and went bright red "I-uh I'm sorry I just didn't know if you wanted me to touch you or not i mean I've never had to deal with a girl on her uh what's it called?" he said "a period?" You answered "yeah! That's what it's called god that been bugging me all day" he said making you laugh "Johnny you can cuddle me if I'm on my period ,I mean like don't overdo it y'know just be how you usually are" "how I usually am?" He said kind of not believing you "yes how you usually are" you giggled. After that Johnny would act normally around you but he would still be extra kind to you because he knew that periods hurt from seeing you in pain from cramps before.

———

#cobra kai #robby keene #johnny lawrence #miguel diaz #daniel larusso #karate kid

[disgruntleddd]

AITA for wanting to cut ties with my ex?

I (22) have been friends with my ex-fiancé (21) since we were 14. We were best friends for years and they crushed on me for ages, until we finally started going out when I was ~18. We were each other's firsts and we got engaged when I was 20 and they were 19. We moved in together when I was 21 and they were 20.

Last November (six-ish months ago now, jeez, time flies) they broke up with me. They were sexually assaulted in a club and told me that the experience made them realize that they want to be more upfront with their boundaries and desires. They don't think we're compatible like that and wanted to date someone more similar to themselves while still being my best friend, like we were before.

For a while, I tried to make it work even though I was absolutely miserable being around them knowing that what we had was gone. They had an online friend, we'll call him D (24), who they'd grown close to over the course of the year or so we'd lived together. Well, they already had a visit planned months in advance for D to come out and stay in our apartment for two weeks. They told me that they were romantically interested in D, and wanted to see how things went in person. I didn't want to ask them to cancel such an expensive trip so short notice, so I sucked it up. At the time, I expressed that I wanted D to sleep on our fold-out couch (we have a two-bedroom, and they got their own bed after the breakup) but they told me that who they invite into their bed is none of my business.

Anyway, so, my ex lied to me. Turned out that they'd already been dating D for a couple of weeks before the visit took place. The walls are not thick so I heard them fucking more than once. My ex invited me out to drink with them and I ended up crying because it was really painful to watch them hang off of someone else and loudly make jokes about all the sex they were going to have later.

Fast forward a couple of months, and D gets kicked out of his apartment and needs somewhere to live. This is where shit hits the fan, and what prompted this post.

D has never liked me, although he tries very hard in a shallow way to make me like him. (I think it's an anxiety thing — he wants me to like him because then I feel less threatening, not because he actually cares about getting to know me, you know?) I overheard a phone conversation between Ex and D where he was ranting about how I have no friends because I'm such an unlikeable bitch, I'm never going to change or improve myself, he fucking hates me, I'm a narcissist, Ex needs to move out and cut ties with me because I'm so toxic, blah blah blah. D also has schizophrenia, multiple personalities due to severe childhood trauma, he age-regresses (constantly; his default mental age is ~17), and he's an alcoholic. All of this to say that he is a very paranoid and depressed person.

(Side note: I expressly told my ex that I didn't want him to stay in our apartment. They said that they understood and assured me it would only be for a few days while they found him a place. It's been ~3 weeks now, and he's still here.)

I was woken up one night a week ago by my ex and D having a very loud conversation about suicide. D was having a mental breakdown/panic attack and ex was actively having to keep him away from pills and knifes. I laid in my bedroom and listened to D describe a fantasy in which he takes a gun and blows his brains out in front of me — apparently because I am a huge source of depression and anxiety for him, on account of me not liking him.

I don't believe I've been mean to D. I simply don't care about him. I do my best to not acknowledge him/pretend he doesn't exist. My ex disagrees.

They claim I've been outwardly cruel to him and that my hostility is the reason for his near suicide-attempt. They called me all sorts of names and pinned the blame almost entirely on me.

That night of the panic attack, I also became anxious that D would try to do something to hurt me or my two cats. (He has a history of animal abuse/murder.) I went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife to sleep with because I was too tense to get back to sleep.

Well, D found out about the knife and apparently he is now terrified that I'm going to do something to him (and he could have only known about it if my ex told him, as he does not enter my room EVER), which my ex also blames on me.

My ex made the decision to break our lease and move out around a month ago. Rather than find a new roommate, I decided to get a small one bedroom apartment for myself. My ex seems upset about this. I told them blatantly that I don't want to see each other or even communicate once the move is completed, which I don't think they've grasped. They keep making remarks about trying to stay in contact or me visiting them at their new place.

I am a college student and I have a job. I have missed three of my morning classes this month already because my ex and D both like to stay up late at night and play games in the living room and/or drink together. They both talk very loudly and this can go on until 2 in the morning. It's nearly impossible for me to relax and sleep with their constant activity. I also do the dishes, feed the pets, clean up after them, sweep, take out the trash, throw away the beer cans they both leave everywhere, hell, I've even done their laundry.

The only thing my ex does is cook occasionally, which they seem to think is an effort towards our friendship, when they consistently prioritize D's dietary desires over mine, never help me with my groceries, and when they order food, never get anything for me. If there is enough food for three, then they will offer me some. That's about it.

They make no effort to spend time with me and actively avoid having difficult conversations while at the same time accusing me of moving out because I'm "running away from my problems." They want to be both my best friend and a good husband.

Oh, yeah. Ex and D are married as of last week, ish. No idea why. Not my problem.

But, the way I see it, it is functionally impossible for Ex to prioritize someone as high-maintenance as their new husband AND be my friend at the same time, considering all of the emotional conflicts going on in our fucked up little situation here.

(Side note: all of this is IGNORING the 3k my ex owes my parents, as they helped us both out when my ex lost their job last year. My ex told me that they're frustrated because it feels like my family is "ganging up" on them, and that they were under the impression my parents would just forgive the money and all of us could part ways on good terms. I have literally no idea where they got THAT impression.)

I feel ignored and underappreciated. I am also fairly confident that I'm being gaslit, as Ex constantly blames me for my feelings AND for D's feelings. I am posting this now because I legitimately cannot tell if I'm overreacting or not. Ex makes me doubt my thoughts and the validity of my actions. (RE: the knife incident, they chastised me for scaring D all because I was "paranoid," when I brought up the phone call I overheard, Ex told me that D was just drunk/angry and didn't really mean it, the last time I complained about them both being noisy (during sex) it was brushed off as me being bitter that I'm still single, etc)

I know that Ex is also stressed and dealing with a lot. Am I being too harsh? Am I overthinking this? Should I buckle down and try to make it work? I've been friends with them for ⅓ of my life — they've been with me through my worst and my best. So much of who I am is shaped by them. I don't want to give that up, but I also think that maybe I need to if I'm ever going to improve myself/my mental state.

I am legitimately looking forward to moving out on my own, being responsible only for myself, only cleaning up my own messes, focusing on work and school and potentially maybe even making some new friends. I don't want Ex in my life anymore, I just want to put the last year behind me, and I think they know that — they're just in denial. They want to have their cake and eat it, too.

#aita #am i the asshole

[rizaposting]

WIP Wednesday- Plans for this year

The past week has been extremely hectic (had to take my mum to the hospital--she is home now and she is fine!) so I don't have much to show for WIPs this week either. So I figured I'd take some time to do a little breakdown of some of the works I have planned for this year :]

This will not be exhaustive, as I'm incredibly susceptible to coming up with ideas to chase at any moment, but hopefully some of these ideas sound fun!

The Biggies

Royai Big Bang 2024 Anthology piece- To be released October 3rd, 2024. This is my first time participating in any sort of fandom event, so I'm very excited! If you've seen my snippets of or heard me talking about my Riza Going Undercover As A Butch Honeypot story, that's this one!

(Currently) Unnamed 03Royai Project- I had wanted to get this started last year to celebrate FMA03's 20th anniversary but alas.... 2023 sucked for me. So my goal is to get it started and work on it through this year! It's going to be an exploration of 03Royai after the events of the anime, made up of three parts: them falling in love and the challenges faced after the anime, the events of CoS and immediately afterwards, and then the future thereafter. A bit of a fix-it of sorts, if you want to call it that? but more of a look into their mental states and codependence and me trying to draw other people into talking about fma03 with me. My baby.

Other Ideas

What if Dante had fixated on Riza instead of Rose?- Another 03 project! Kind of a silly idea but I love putting Riza in situations, especially when it makes Baddies get weirdly fixated on her. Maybe Dante thinks having Mustang in her pocket would be good. Maybe she has a thing for blondes.

Wrath bullying Riza when she's his assistant/hostage- Rescued from my drafts! A short oneshot I do not remember writing but liked very much when I went "which one was this again?" when I was going through my WIP folder the other day. Bradley making Riza feel bad for making Roy 'weak'.

PPD Riza- Another rescued draft I think I wrote originally at like 3am one night. A oneshot of Riza being forced to finally reckon with her childhood trauma while struggling with postpartum depression after the birth of her daughter. Roy supports her (because it's HER TURN to be cared for).

Lycanthropy as a metaphor for feminine rage- Riza werewolf AU. An excuse for her to get mad about all the injustices she's suffered at the hands of men and be covered in blood.

Is 2024 The Year I Finally Publish 'The Infamous Printer Fic'?- ........maybe...

I'm sure there are other ideas that will pop into my head suddenly! And maybe a couple of these fics listed will get shoved back into Draft Jail... Time will tell. My biggest priority for the next few months will be the Big Bang piece, and after that I will try pushing more for Unnamed 03Royai Project, with little things sprinkled in between. Dear God Dear God Tinkle Tinkle Hoy let me get more writing (and art) out this year!

#crystal convos #fic talk #wip wednesday

[magicalmysteries777]

The Bloody-Handed and The Anguish of Loving Them - Chapter 2.

Summary: Almost a year has passed since Eddie Munson died and it feels like the only person that isn't moving on is Steve.

After spending the night studying a Dungeons and Dragons handbook, Steve is convinced he's figured out how to defeat Vecna once and for all. Not only that, but bring Eddie back too. Now he just has to prove it.

Pairings: Steve Harrington x Vampire Eddie Munson

Masterlist: Here.

Chapter: 2 of 10.

Chapter WC: 2128.

CW: Drinking, depressive episode, PTSD.

This story can also be found on AO3 here.

March 23rd, 1987.

“You sound like an absolute madman, that’s what I think,” sighed Nancy.

     “I’m telling you guys, it’s real,” Steve proclaimed.

     “Steve, it’s a game,” Dustin reassured.

     “I thought so too but so much of it fits. I read the whole book last night and-” he began.

     “Did you get any sleep at all?” asked Nancy.

     “No, but-”

     “Steve, you need sleep. It’s a game. It’s not real,” she answered.

     “But-”

     “Spells and scrolls aren’t real, man,” Mike laughed.

     “You’re not listening to me,” Steve argued back, his voice growing more desperate. “And for the record,” he began, eyes locking on Mike, “your girlfriend has fucking superpowers so don’t start telling me what’s real and what isn’t.”

     “Have you been drinking?” Robin asked quietly. It appeared Robin wasn’t the only one who had wanted to ask as Jonathan and Nancy looked at him expectantly.

     “No,” Steve lied quickly. Nancy raised an eyebrow at him. “Okay, look, I’d had a couple when I started reading but it wore off halfway through the book. Please, just hear me out.”

     “Fine. Go,” Nancy snapped.

     “Will is a wizard-” Steve began. The whole group groaned. “The night Will got taken to the upside down, Mike was Dungeon Master at the game. Will was casting spells left, right, and centre, correct? All of that energy mixed with the psychic mind power stuff that El was doing that night must’ve caused the whole thing to become true. Look, I know it sounds crazy, but I really think I’m onto something. Will the Wise has seer lineage, that’s why Will gained true sight when he came back from the Upside Down. He became his character, don’t you see? You all said you wanted to keep playing. What if you got your wish? This is the game. You never stopped playing. El's psychic powers broke the barriers between real and fiction when she opened the portal. It brought the game to us.”

     “It’s an interesting theory but-” Robin began.

     “The map. Show me the map you were using that night,” Steve interrupted. “Do you have a map of Hawkins too?”.

     “Somewhere on the shelf over there,” Mike answered, pointing to the bookcase.

Steve searched through the case frantically, completely aware that he looked like he was on the verge of a mental breakdown, but he had to prove his point.

“Here!” he exclaimed rushing back to the table. “Can you remember where you all left your character tokens?”

The boys tried as best as they could to be accurate when placing their tokens back down, exchanging concerned glances while they did so.

“Look at these maps side by side, they’re the same shape,” Steve continued, placing the map of Hawkins down on the table.

     “I never actually noticed…” agreed Mike.

     “That one is Will’s token there, right? Compare that placement to the map of Hawkins. It’s in the exact same place as Wills’s house, which in case anyone forgot, is where he went missing. And look-” he continued to ramble. “There. The Rotted Tower, you know the one Vecna rules? It’s in the same place as the Creel house. You can’t tell me this is all a coincidence?”

     “Come on, Steve, let’s go get some fresh air,” Jonathan suggested, rising to his feet. Nancy placed a hand on his shoulder and pushed him back down into his seat. “What is it?”

     “There’s something I haven’t told you,” Nancy admitted.

     “Nance?” Jonathan probed.

     “One of my colleagues received an anonymous tip-off that Hawkins PD is investigating again. Crops are dying again over on Merrill’s patch, ”

     “What?!” asked Dustin.

     “But Dad never said,” El added.

     “It might not even be related to Vecna,” Nancy tried to convince the group.

     “One week before the memorial? I call bullshit, of course it’s connected,” Steve exclaimed.

     “You call bullshit? You want to know what I think is bullshit, Steve?” Nancy replied, obviously irritated.

     “Don’t,” Steve pleaded.

     “I think you’re whole theory is bullshit,”

     “Stop it.”

     “No, Steve, it is bullshit. It’s a game. It’s not real. There is no scroll. Eddie’s gone, we can’t bring him back. Everyone else is moving on so why can’t you?”

     “Remember when nobody believed you about Barb?” Steve replied coldly.

The room fell silent for a few moments before Dustin spoke quietly. “I believe him.”

     “You can’t be serious?” Nancy answered.

     “I didn’t believe in superheroes until we found El. I didn’t believe in monsters either and then I accidentally raised a baby Demogorgon. Why not?”

     “Exactly!” Steve exclaimed, almost frantic. “If the rest of it is all true then why not, Nance?”

     “Nancy, when did you get that tip-off?” Will asked, nervous. All eyes shot to him.

     “Three days ago, why?” Nancy answered cautiously.

Will didn’t answer straight away. It felt as though all the air had been sucked out of the room, everyone holding their breath as though their life depended on it until he finally spoke. “It was him.”

     “What?!” left several mouths at once.

     “I woke up in the middle of the night; cold sweats, racing heart, the full works. I thought it was just a nightmare but then I-” he began before letting out a large sigh, “I felt him.”

     “Oh, we’re so fucked,” muttered Robin.

     “So he’s back?” asked Lucas, a sombre expression forming on his face.

     “Technically he never left,” Mike answered.

     “Not again,” whispered Nancy, her eyes filling with tears. Jonathan placed an arm around her and pulled her into his chest.

The room fell silent again.

-

Jonathan ushered Nancy outside for fresh air. Robin sat on the sofa, her head in her hands. Mike, El, Lucas, Dustin, and Will all sat around the table they were previously playing at, now all speaking amongst themselves in hushed, panicked voices. All Steve could do was pace.

He walked hurriedly from one side of the Wheelers’ basement to the other, his hands running through his now knot-free hair whilst he muttered to himself.

“The game is real. Will’s a wizard. El is a mage. The map mirrors Hawkins. The Rotted Tower is the Creel House. The game is real. Will’s a wizard. El is a mage. The map mirrors Hawkins. The Rotted Tower is the Creel-”

     “Would you please sit down and shut up?” snapped Robin.

     “The game is real.”

     “Steve, I sw-”

     “It’s a game. We’ve been playing the game wrong, that’s why we keep losing.”

     “What?

     “If I’m right, which I think I am, then the reason we keep losing to Vecna is because we haven’t been playing the game properly.” Steve turned to the group around the table, his eyes landing on Lucas.

     “Please don’t say it,” Lucas pleaded with desperation in his eyes.

     “Go get your sister.”

-

“You think we can do it?” Dustin asked quietly, ten minutes after settling himself next to Steve on the sofa.

     “I mean, we got pretty close last year, didn’t we?” Steve replied quickly. “Just need to finish the job this time around. Plus, with El and Will actually going into the Upside Down with us this time, I reckon our odds are better. ”

     “Not Vecna. Eddie. Do you really think we can just bring Eddie back from the dead?”

     “Can’t hurt to try, can it?” Steve questioned.

     “Oh, it could hurt. It could hurt a lot,” stated Erica, making her arrival known.

     “Good morning to you too,” Dustin smiled sarcastically.

     “Lucas just dragged me out of bed at nine o’clock in the morning shouting ‘Code red! Code red!’, so you nerds better start explaining. Now.”

-

It took twenty minutes of Steve rambling like a madman to catch Erica up to speed.

“Let me get this straight. You dragged me out of bed on the first day of spring break to come and listen to you have a mental breakdown?”

     “I’m not having a fuc-” Steve began through gritted teeth. “I’m not having a breakdown.”

     “It sounds like a breakdown.”

     “It’s far-fetched, I know,” Dustin began, rising to his feet and standing beside Steve. “But plausible.”

     “Plausible?” Erica scoffed. “Vecna being back? Yes. His theory about us living in a Dungeons and Dragons game along with being able to Eddie back from the grave? No.”

     “I’m with Erica on this one,” Mike agreed awkwardly.

     “I can’t deny I’ve got a weird connection to Vecna but I’m pretty sure it isn’t because I’ve got secret wizard powers from another dimension, Steve. I’m sorry,” added Will.

One by one, everybody except for Dustin began speaking simultaneously with a different variation on why they thought Steve’s theory was a bust.

Steve couldn’t blame them, not really. The wounds from all the pain he’d inflicted on his friends for the last year were still too fresh. He’d let them down over and over again, of course they didn’t trust him. Why would they? Erica was right, he sounded like he was having a mental breakdown. What if he was having a mental breakdown?

Dustin placed his hand on his shoulder supportively. Steve’s mind was flooded with thoughts of Wayne.

The way Wayne had looked at him when he found him drunk and crying outside of the old Munson trailer. The way Wayne silently placed a hand on his shoulder as they both stood there before Steve broke down in his arms. The way Wayne listened to Steve pour his heart out about how much he loved and missed Eddie. The way Wayne poured his heart out about how much he loved and missed Eddie in return. The way Wayne, with his eyes brimmed with tears, had placed a blanket over him after setting him on the sofa for the night. The way Wayne had quietly whispered “I’d do anything to bring him back, you know?” before letting Steve sleep off his looming hangover. The way Steve had whispered “Me too,” after Wayne had closed the door behind him.

“Shut up,” Steve snapped. Conversations ceased and all eyes locked on him. “I don’t care whether you believe me or not because I’m doing this. I’m going into the Upside Down, with or without you, and I’m getting Eddie back. Once I’ve got Eddie back I’m going after Vecna, because I’m not fucking losing him again, okay? I said I’d do anything to get him back and I fucking meant it!”

     “Steve-” Dustin began.

     “So you can either come up with your own plan while I go and do mine or you can-”

     “Steve, I’m coming with you,” Dustin declared. Mike, Will, Lucas, and El all sighed in unison.

     “Looks like we’re in then,” Mike sighed.

     “Seriously?” Nancy asked.

     “Party rules,” he shrugged in response.

     “Will?” Jonathan probed.

     “Party rules,” Will repeated.

     “That’s me and Nancy in then,” he sighed. “Robin? Erica?”

     “Looks like it, doesn’t it?” Erica answered.

-

Everyone spent the next few hours with their heads stuck in various Dungeons and Dragons handbooks, making notes of anything that might be usual to them later. Stacks of loose pages and post-its were piled on the table amongst all the snacks that Dustin had brought downstairs for ‘study fuel’.

“Here,” said Mike, handing Steve a sheet of paper from the large binder he’d been reading.

     “What’s this?”

     “List of all the loot and their locations from the game we were playing the night Will went missing. If your theory is real, this is what we’re working with.”

     "Wryms Crossing: 2 health potions, 1 potion of fire resistance, 2 scrolls of fireball, and 1 longsword.

     Rookwood Ruin: 1 great-axe, 1 amulet of misty step, 2 greater healing potions.

     Karlach's Cave: 1 scroll of acid spray, 1 scroll of revivify, and 1 potion of invisibility.

     Will’s Well: 3 greater healing potions and 1 cape of protection.”

Steve studied the sheet with intense focus, his eyes flicking back and forwards between the list and the map of Hawkins. With the help of Mike and Dustin, it took thirty minutes to cross-reference the two. “So… there?” he asked, pointing to the map cautiously.

     “Definitely,” agreed Dustin.

-

“We’re back!” announced Nancy, descending the steps to the basement.

     “We thought you’d got lost. Did you get it all?” asked Steve.

     “Almost,” answered Jonathan, only a few steps behind Nancy. He double-checked the list that was handed to him before they set off to Warzone. “Everything except the booze for the Molotovs. We can get that in the morning before we go.”

     “Anyway,” Nancy quickly changed the subject while trying to avoid Steve’s gaze, “dinners ready, Mom wants us all upstairs. She wants to know who’s staying over tonight too.”

     “You ready for this?” Dustin asked Steve quietly, dawdling behind the rest of the group.

     “The Upside Down or another one of Karen’s casseroles?” Steve chuckled.

     “Both,” he smirked.

     “Casserole? Never. Upside Down? I guess we’re about to find out.”

#eddie munson #eddie munson fanfic #steve harrington #steve harrington fanfic #steve x eddie #steve harrington x eddie munson #eddie x steve #eddie munson x steve harrington #post canon #fix it fic #angst #angst with a happy ending #alcoholic steve harrington #steve harrington has ptsd #kas the bloody handed #vampire eddie munson #dont look at the d&d lore too closely #steddie