#been experiencing this a lot lately

[welcometogrouchland]

I've been binging Batman Beyond recently (Terry ily so much) and thought about how- bc of the JLU twist which I think isn't even canon to the comics BB verse but shhh bare with me- he'd technically be Damian's half brother??? Which is just so ridiculously soap opera to me. I need them to interact in a silly time travel adventure so bad you don't even understand (ID in alt)

#dc comics #damian wayne #terry mcginnis #batman beyond #batman and robin #mine #also feat the mild damian uniform redesign i like playing around with. it's fun i like her. i love u classic robin colours #the backstory for this image in my mind is that Terry knows of Damian/has maybe met him #in the future (whether we're going w the rebirth ''damian rejoins the league'' angle that i. don't love conceptually but can't judge- #-bc i haven't read. or if we go w/ some other potential future route for damian) and Terry is like. experiencing whiplash at meeting him- #-as robin. like you are 5 feet tall why r u so bossy. where is your dad good god. this is why i don't have a robin (?this is pre matt-robin) #but Terry's in an unfamiliar time trying not to cause a paradox so he puts aside his indignitude(?) at being bossed around by a kid #just long enough to make sure nothing goes horrifically wrong. hence this image takes place #<- i could've been a lot more eloquent explaining this but it's very late and i should've been asleep ages ago #anyway. absolutely crazy to me that Damian has had multiple flavours of secret brother plots and terry is a potential addition. rip damian #(also in my ideal future damian took up the nightwing mantle (EVERYONE READ NIGHTWING MUST DIE!!!) before retiring( #idk what his future career is. lowkey hes a webcomic artist in my brain but that's so horrendously self indulgent i can't condone it #also i decided to try my hands at lineart again. evil. how are you so stiff looking and difficult to do. waughh #anyway if things look weird. no they don't

[glownery]

wishing everyone who celebrates a happy easter and an even happier transgender day of visibility 🐣🪩🫶🪽

#went to church with my mom for the first time in years just because we thought it could be fun (it was!) and im thinking about. themes #resurrection and rebirth belongs to trans and nonbinary people and if i was going to pray i would thank god for making me queer !!! #the middle picture is from a disco themed university party we had on (holy) thursday where i had So much fun #(the crucifix earring was Mostly ironic and for the aesthetic) #been experiencing a lot of queer joy lately. as well as some new and complicated but Good feelings about gender. and maybe religion as well #anyway. #easter #religion #gender #tdov #trans day of visibility #lgbtq #queer #mine #💛 #religion mention #christianity mention #<- just in case people dont want to see anything to do with religion in the trans tags today (or ever) !! <3 sorry if i missed something #edit: i originally also had a quote from julian k. jarboe here about humanity partaking in the act of creation #but i didnt realize the quote was from a jewish person regarding judaism so i removed it from the association with easter and christianity #the quote itself slaps​ and idk to what degree different religions and discussions or art about them should be kept separated !! #but im not the authority on that and ofc dont want to make anyone uncomfortable !!

[clovercrumbs]

I notice that one of my friend circles has a running joke that everyone is secretly in love with one another. It's a group of primarily bi & hetero cis men who will randomly pretend to lean in for a kiss or make jokes about how they're going to make out later. It's all good-natured and fun, and really just a light hearted way for them to express affection and make jokes about sexuality in a comfortable space.

However, I also notice this sort of unspoken boundary that I can't cross into the same sort of humor. Despite having made it clear (in my own opinion) that I'm not interested in any of them—or romance & sex with other people in general—I sense a discomfort whenever I try to make similar jokes. I'm easily identifiable as afab (not really "out" as agender) & it's known that I've been in relationships with men in the past so maybe they just assume I'm straight or that there's the possibility for it to be more than a joke.

Part of me questions if this has to do with the tendency to consider homo relationships as less significant or "real" (I know several cis hetero relationships where the boyfriends don't consider their girlfriends cheating if they do anything with women). Could it be that there's some sort of internalized belief that any expression of attraction to men has to be satirical for them? Despite also being exploratory in their sexualities with other men as a very real experience?

But the other part of me knows it's that they don't believe in my lack of attraction & interest in relationships with them. They don't believe in my own assessment of my feelings. They don't believe in my discovery and trust in myself. They don't trust that even if something were to change in my feelings that I would be open to communicating with them and willing to change the way I acted. Maybe they're just afraid to try or experience any change at all in the friendship we have now. But regardless it still makes me sad that I can't explore that same playfulness and fluidity of relationships that they feel safe enough to experience with each other. Maybe it's just that we're not close enough in general and I've been misunderstanding the entire dynamic. I don't know.

10 04 24

#been thinking about this a lot lately #does anyone have any thoughts or ideas or relate at all?? #curious if anyone has experienced anything similar #queerplatonic #aromantic #asexual #aroace #queer #bisexual #gay #lgbt #qpr #diary #reflection #relationships #my writing #writing #april24 #_ad

[melit0n]

I need to shout about Distraction for a minute, so bear with me.

First off, ouch. Big fucking ouch. That thing has been licking the wound it helped create ever since it came out.

Second of all, the repetition of "it's too late for me" always being the background noise to an otherwise quite quiet song, other than the breakdown, is absolutely diabolical. The breakdown feels like a panic attack. A complete and utter mental breakdown finished with a scream-sob of something that has permeated the whole song; it's too late for me. It's always been too late, even with the help of Her, She who is not like any other and is far more than one could ask for, it's too late.

It's always been too late. She found him in the cold waters, on the verge of drowning in self hatred and tried to pull him up, but he didn't want to get Her hand damp. He is not worthy of it all and he screams for the final time for Her to let go because it's too late.

And then everything stops. We are back to the beginning; the quiet, repeatative beat of an anxious heart.

What makes it worse? Distraction is a loop. Starts on the same chord and ends on the exact same one with the same beat. She comes back again and again but it's still too late.

Distraction is a loop of self hatred laced with the inner turmoil of a Thing that doesn't believe it can ever get better because it fears the help of others. It believes it's not worthy of touch, and so rots in falling further again as it warps into something it never wanted to be; broken into fractions and driven to distraction.

#this one hurts me #I say a lot of their songs hurts me but this one cuts deep to a personal level #I've spoken about this maybe once or twice before but I suffer from chronic insomnia #so I've spent years trying to fix myself and being afraid of the help of others because I physically cannot be myself anymore #I'm riddled with self hatred tiredness and wounds that at this point I myself am stopping from healing #I've always belived it's too late for me- that I'm past the point of no return- and that I'll eventually die from this #so it was quite euphoric to hear someone scream the exact feelings I've been experiencing for my whole life #apologies for the vent #sleep token #st #distraction #distraction sleep token #this place will become your tomb #tpwbyt #mel's rambles

[icarusdiesatdawn]

My brain when I'm sleeping: let's make the most insanely elaborate world building in your dreams, have you have deep meaningful connections to entirely fictional people and plotlines that would make really rich and fascinating stories if you were able to put them in words once you're woken up.

My brain, once I'm woken up: you cannot put that in words, but I've given you the indescribable feeling of grieving a loss of something or someone that never really existed in the first place. Have a good day!

#anyone else going through this too? #this happens to me quite a lot #not always of course it kinda comes and goes in phases or at random #lately I've been experiencing that quite frequently (to varying degrees of intensity) #it just makes me so so sad #dreams #ida talks #dream log

[holyguardian]

It's my birthday and I'll menty b if I want to 🎵

#out of flowers #no but I'm actually really blessed by my friends #even if I sound Eeyore a lot lately #through all the bad luck I have been experiencing I have had an extremely solid support net #today is going to suck for some reasons not at all age-related but in the same breath I have people who still want to make me smile #which means the world to me

[darabeatha]

/ I've noticed that at this point I'm not even writing on any blog anymore, I just come and yell about some blorbo and leave. Rinse and repeat my lieges

#;ooc #ooc #me: -sleeps- #also me: -SUDDENLY JOLTS BACK AWAKE- I haven't expressed my love for x in some time #/usually i would feel pretty guilty about this! but lately i've been zoning out in the sense of just vibing #/im not dropping writting; im just doing something else ! when i feel the inspiration i'll drop by #would like that to come soon; i do miss writting hehe #the power a blorbo can have on a person can be a very profound and moving energy truly- #recently one of my 8376733 m.octezuma fanarts got reblobbed from some artists from aaaall across to japan and #it made me feel so giddy like!!!! no way you also like this one character that isnt even on the game!? #i haven't seen other artists being obsessed over him! he's kind of forgotten in the lb cast; it was so fun reblobbing each other's posts! #we may have a language barrier but we all love m.octe and i find that to be a lil heartwarming moment #it made me thonk;; there are so many ways to bond with people; of connecting in general #even without speaking to someone directly; there is a bond there #like i knew this existed; but experiencing it again makes u go like waow! im not alone ! not in at least one (1) way! #that there are other people out there in this big big world that would enthusiastically talk to you about the same fictional character you- #like; with a lot of love and interest #i've seen people making their own t.ezca and d.aybit plushies and putting them in cute lil clothes #or people posting about museums they got interested on visiting bc they've done a collab with f.go #its all very cute to me #its like the same energy i saw from this tktk where two girls randomly met on the street #and saw that they both had the same ita bag and they got all happy and started laughing together #or that time i was selling my stickers and someone came in and said how glad they were to find h.ypmic stuff! #if hy.pmic is quite niche nowadays; its even more from where i live! #or how excited i get if i meet someone who also plays id.v #its all a cycle of fangirling; pure joy; connections are so important! #important to know that whatever you are facing; that no matter how 'weird' you think you might be; there are a lot of people out there that #are like you and me; and its also why i like roleplaying #its like we all pull our blorbos and talk about them and get excited about it all like dolls #the sweet thing about rping is precisely the part where u connect with others

[soldier-poet-king]

I have too many emotions in too quick a succession with periods of severe emptiness in between I just. I don't have time to PROCESS any of them. It's like I've been incurring an emotional 'debt' for 27 years.

#this is insane ik as the hyperemotional 24/7 guy but also like #all the work stuff. the move stuff. #r&g last night. time change giving me mood swings. PATHFINDER TONIGHT WAS INSANE #soooo good and such fun rp #but also OUCH MY EMOTIONS. i wouldn't trade it for the world but i sure am experiencing SMTHN #given the whole manipulative mentor people pleasing sense of self woth thing #PLUS A COOL GF??? I WANT A COOL GF #and then just this last bit of an astarion fic that made me cry #in terms of just. emptiness. gentleness. how do you move on. how do you build a life #when you didn't expect there to be an after? #how do you free yourself when everything you are was shaped by that person #how do i free myself when everything i am was shaped by my parents #and its just constantly this bitter ache and anger #the upcoming move its like. im in the same city how can i get a clean break #i feel guilty for wanting it but also. fuck i need it #how can i build a life for myself. yknow? #anyway. im uhhh. a lil fragile. a lot stressed abt work stuff. joints been hurting a lot lately too. #i am so hungry. ever hungry. for the unnamed thing. #the duality of fran #anyway. shits wild and that is both good and bad and also neither??? maybe??? #i am trying to find meaning and purpose in it all. or to create it. #i am a skittish stray but i am also kissing you all gently on the forehead. idk. i can be both things at once maybe

[jennycalendar]

had a cup of coffee last night — i do not usually drink coffee, not for any big reason, just because deviations from my routine have to be planned and when other drinks are on offer i default to the one i am most familiar with, and because i don’t usually drink coffee i didn’t realize that the caffeine would actually make my brain function the way that i am now certain my brain should be functioning. like i usually take an entire day to shower or cook or whatever it is but i cleaned the entire apartment and made my salad as well, and there was none of the “lying down for 3 hours for no reason doing nothing” in between? and now i am feeling very tangled and sad because i honestly did not realize my brain full on does work different on a lot of levels, and will need accommodations for things

#musings #lately for whatever reason i have been seeing a lot of posts across platforms #about how people are appropriating and co-opting certain mental health conditions when they don’t really have it #which is 80 percent of the reason i have not talked directly to most about my experiences here in the first place! #but like two therapists and multiple people in my life have been like ‘’hey this is probably a thing with you’’ #and essentially my entire family has one or the other or some combination of both #i guess i just sorta feel like i have found so many workarounds that at this point it doesn’t count? #like if it is not stopping me from living my life then why should it be a thing i think about? #but yesterday i experienced what it could be like in general #and realized how hard it has been across the board #to an extent i don’t usually think about #so yeah. maybe today is a bummer now that i am not Experiencing Caffeine

[pollen]

hii it's been awhile since i've given any updates about what's going on with me but!!! i think we're moving back to oregon at some point. and i'm gonna make grad school happen. i'm so yhappy

#i'm going to oregon sometime this quarter but it's gonna break my heart because i have to leave again #idk the col is so much higher there than here. you can buy a whole three bedroom house for $200k here #a 3 bed in oregon is at least twice that #and rent is insane. $1100 for a beautiful 3 bed here. or twice that for something less nice in oregon #well. not HERE here jesus the suburbs are expensive. but in central pa where we're thinking of moving #which is like.... the best place to retire in the country? what's with that. low col probably LOL #and lately i've been feeling so..... lost? the ego death i went through in 2023 was incredible #and like. do i NEED to go to grad school to get a well-paying job in my field? no i have almost 7 yoe #but i'm missing feeling good at something. and the networking. and the portfolio work i can do. so it wouldn't be about employablility #though that helps. idk i'm gonna try to get my undergrad loans paid off as much as i can (only 30k left on the ones in my name 🫠) this year #while working on freelance projects and all that. it just feels good having a direction that doesn't feel completely hopeless #because it's been so bleak lately. like. got laid off from an agency i poured my soul into (not doing that again unless it's my own) #experienced something deeply personal and destabilizing i don't feel comfortable sharing #moved across the country while i didn't have a job and was processing that trauma to a place where i know no one #i got so lonely and so alone that i thought i would die. i didn't really have anyone to turn to while i did the work of reliving #started drinking a lot to cope bc i didn't have a medical card. was truly miserable. got a medical card. wasn't miserable anymore #and now i'm working and less anxious and feeling supported and stable in my relationship. and i feel myself coming back to myself. #it's been so hard but i'm so glad to be seeing the end of it. and to see good things and happy things in that

[landwriter]

dear diary,

today I found out neil gaiman liked one of my sandman meta posts but I'm not telling anyone which one because I want people to respect my children equally

also had really good ramen for lunch

#dear diary #blog has been talking about longing and missing and language a lot lately-- #so is there a word for experiencing the taste of a ramen flavour you haven't had in months #a greeting for the familiar brand of saltiness on your tongue #a thank you for the way it heats ur throat & gut & core #until you are just a vessel for umami and warmth #listen -- i'm always gonna be the kid who hands in an essay hoping for approval so this gave me a thrill of COURSE #but I thought I was only handing it to you guys for your approval! #i don't even tell my friends what fandom i am in because i so enjoy just being in this little vacuum #i feel like we're a wild herd of grazing animals and i just looked up from my mouthful of grass to see NG staring at us through binoculars #except the grass is his IP

[caffeinatedopossum]

People be like "merry Christmas" meanwhile I'm over here uncovering new depths of my trauma

#yeah so apparently I experienced csa and I'm honestly not processing that super well #i started just telling people about stuff that happened that i never want to talk about #and they were like 'uh yeah thats csa im sorry you went through that' 💀 #like wdym that was csa?? ahhhdjdj ah djdhdgd #in all seriousness though I've gad a lot of very painful realizations about this lately #like the fact that people knew and not only let it happen but actively tried to allow it to continue #and prevent people who actually try to do anything about it from finding out. including me! i was told it was all normal #like 'oh yes this is all normal. but also dont tell anyone this.' #'not because its wrong but because theyll get the wrong idea' #god. i can't comprehend it #i never thought it was sa because ive always been asexual. i couldnt think of any motive so i just didnt know #i didn't have any grasp of what sexuality was in general. i thought it was like a social construct or a game i was sometimes bad at #i still don't understand. i hate how when i think about it all i feel like a little kid again

[peapod20001]

I’m the type that can and will cry if think too hard <3

#random post #me tag ∠( ᐛ 」 ) |/ #I’m not an overly emotional person in the stereotypical way. but I do get in my feels when thinking about life and the experience of living #I’m like. constantly explaining things to myself cus there’s never really a time or place to talk about it #also my method of explaining things is very not coherent sometimes. so it takes me a bit to really get my point across in a comprehensible #way. I’m a big thinker. I have many thoughts and ideas a views. a daily thing of mine is noticing problems #and then fixing them in my head with thought out explanations and motives and outcomes #it’s like I’m talking to someone else. much like how I format my text posts. that’s how my inner monologue is #me talking to myself is actually me talking to someone else. someone that isn’t real #anyways it’s a daily occurrence. every day of my life is spent with thoughts similar to those breaking down a movie #lots of thoughts from adhd. compulsive thoughts from ocd. overwhelming thoughts from autism. distressing thoughts from bpd #ya. this isn’t a vent I just need to like. see the thoughts in writing so I can do smth else. like eat this muffin ive been staring at for #over an hour now <3 mmmbfbg yea muffins are hard to eat now cus I had some with mold and food mold especially is a big nono for me #spend like. five minutes examining the damn thing before I even consider taking a bite. I’m very hungry an thirsty </3 #when your mouth is so dry you can taste your own mouth 👍 I’m experiencing #nothing in particular. just experiencing. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I like having an experience and living #drank my tea and I had like. hallucinations of like an alcohol prep pad. I’ve been using those in my ear cus. tmi. had a pimple that’s #causing problems so mom suggested that. it burned! which means it worked so word. I’ve noticed lately that both me AND my family have been #using ‘word’ a lot. dad says we’ve been saying it but no we haven’t. if we had I’d have BEEN saying it. maybe we’ve used it before for a bit #but now it’s back. idk. I’ve said it in class on more than one occasion lmao I don’t look like the type to say smth like that but whatever #it’s like when I used to say bro after every sentence like 10 years ago lol. we’re a family of parrots we repeat eachother a lot #I started saying I love you out of no where and they started doing it too. we whistle at eachother from across the house. sing ear worms #together. quote funny things at every opportunity and drive the joke into the ground. everyone in this house is a different kind of mentally #I’ll and it’s the most beautiful clash of personalities because we’re all so annoying and we love eachother so much and also our #communication is shit because some ppl have hearing loss and another is a short fused child and some are quick to interrupt and some dont #get a word in and some just can’t explain and some can’t understand. we get there eventually at some point. we don’t get the full grasp of #how much we love eachother yet. but we’re gettin there. anyways this went into several different directions but they’re all good ones #I think. if you read all this good on you! this is my brain 24/7/365 haha ok love you

[technicalthinker]

Ok so I'm a complete outsider who only interacts with 911 through Tumblr, I enjoy going into the tag when I see it trending, but so I'm curious what Buddie shippers think-

#buddie #911 #911 fox #fyi IM THE NOSEY ONE HERE THERE'S NO JUDGEMENT #im just curious what people feel like. the deal is. #(im in destiel hell i never judge anyone) #(also reblog for the reach you know the deal im genuinely curious) #i have a hard time telling btw i was in the 'just friends' camp but seeing sOME scenes have me going.... hmmm... #bc im coming from spn fandom and discovering the late seasons and it's been WILD like #changed my perception a lot on the fandom once i actually experienced the content #and also realising what kind of mess a lot of it def was behind the scenes???? makes me curious #what do ya'll think #btw: i dont actually value what the writers think/intend bc thats not my style #like thats not rly how i watch things anymore #but im curious whats going ON here

[bamf]

ngl chief, being in your 20s kinda lonely

#like.... i have a lot of friends on here and irl but DAMN #me and my friends been through some tough shit lately and i have to remidn myself #that our circumstances are v different rn compared to five years ago #and experiencing friendships deteriorate over the course of time is very sad to witness #and the fact that u have to go through all this by yourself while balancing your job/personal growth. man.. . . #ribs by lorde help me... save me ribs by lorde #tbd #ANYWAY

[wayfinderships]

Were it not for the fact that I'm in physical pain, I would be drawing so much-

#pan rambles #kinda negative (?) #Sitting properly and sometimes walking has been hurting lately #which sucks because I need to sit properly to draw #I have all the motivation but it's just not possible without me potentially experiencing lots of distracting pain #I'll definitely get the problem checked out soon because I got drawings to work on! some of which being commissions-