#because they can’t understand that what I value IS the friendship for the friendship itself

[youronlybean]

ChilledChaos Appreciation Post Essay :)

There’s a whole lot of negative things I can say about streamers and content creators in general, especially about YouTubers I myself used to watch and enjoy (I have since grown as a person and recognise that they are, whilst not inherently terribly people, unfunny and uncool). However, I prefer to spread positivity wherever I can, so here’s my ChilledChaos appreciation essay.

From watching Chilled’s YouTube content from back in the day to watching his streams for over three years now, he’s one of the best around in my sincere opinion. Whilst things have changed since the early YT days, it’s clear that Chilled remains timeless and just a genuinely good guy. He’s mature and fair, compassionate and understanding, funny and charismatic (despite the ‘sociallyawkward’ tag on his stream lol) and above all else, he has an incredible innate social awareness.

Chilled, outside of being cunning, deceptive and Evil with a capital E for the laughs (CTC: Can’t Trust Chilled!), is at heart a genuinely very empathetic person. For good reason Chilled hosts many of the lobbies in PR1. He makes sure that his players are having fun, constantly checks in on them to make sure his settings are fair and fun for everyone, and will always change a rule if most people agree that it isn’t fun for them. He takes criticism very well and recognises that his players aren’t being critical of him as a person at all when they ask him to change one of his rules. They respect his decisions as much as he respects their opinions, which is incredibly important when playing long-term with a group of people, especially since they all have valued friendship.

He can recognise when things are too loud or chaotic (the occasional stream mute is very refreshing for neurodivergent ears) or when people just aren’t having fun. He recognises when a game is more fun when it’s played frequently and when it’s more of a twice a year kind of game, for both the players’ sake and the audience. He also does his best to make sure everyone gets to play the game as much as possible and protects those who have died early a lot in a session or tries to make a game go quickly if there’s a lot of people dead and waiting.

(I remember when the green shield mechanic was first introduced for Town of Us, Chilled didn’t want to use it because then people wouldn’t learn. He began to use it I think when he realised that the game itself is very unpredictable, and people can’t always pay attention to everything, especially when they’re trying to stream at the same time.)

Chilled also remains true to his morals. He doesn’t do “edgy” jokes (I think everyone knows what I mean by “edgy”), and has consistently put his foot down when topics that definitely should be taken very seriously were joked about. He does this whilst also recognising that there wasn’t harmful intent behind the jokes but that they still shouldn’t be made. The good thing about it is once he tells them to stop joking about something, it is never joked about again (this doesn’t happen often at all but when it does I know I can count on Chilled to be a voice of reason). He doesn’t bring the vibe down when doing so either, simply tells them to stop, they stop and apologise, and everyone moves on. I know this has got to be hard to do on a livestream, especially in front of an audience of thousands and for your job. It’s got to be a lot of pressure. He’s professional about it and takes into account that people make mistakes sometimes and that doesn’t make them bad people. He’s also not afraid to stand up to his friends if they are the ones to blame, but also recognises if he’s in the wrong.

(One particular occasion comes to mind a lot from about a year ago: I won’t go into detail but Chilled was absolutely right, the joke was not funny despite no ill intentions towards anyone, and no joke on that topic has been made since on any PR1 stream I’ve seen. People aren’t perfect, but they can recognise they made a mistake and they did because Chilled took a stance and helped them recognise that it was a bad joke, and was able to criticise his friends without damaging any relationships or respect for each other.)

Chilled also very clearly values his online friendships. He definitely knows how to pick his friends by the people he consistently surrounds himself with and has even maintained some of those friendships for over a decade (Junk, Ze, Tom, Tay, etc.). He’s not afraid to introduce new people into his circle and has great chemistry with just about anyone he talks to. He’s great for matching a chaotic energy or a relaxed one, and is able to keep up a cheerful mood or a good vibe when things are looking rough. He doesn’t take bumps in the road to heart and knows when a bit or joke or even a game has run its course. He has moments outside of his persona when he shows genuine concern and compassion for his friends and even if he talks shit he’ll always admit that he is fond of someone, even if it’s not to their face.

(Here I think of Vikram, and how it’s clear that they are good friends even if Chilled gives him a lot of shit - Vikram does ask for it too though, lol. If Vik is missing from a TOS lobby it’s just not the same without him, a sentiment Chilled has often expressed. He always very sincerely mentions that he hopes his friend is okay if he is suddenly MIA - and this also applies to all other PR1 members)

Chilled is also just insanely funny. It’s obvious to just about anyone that he deserves the large audience he has, as he is a skilled entertainer and knows how to make someone laugh. I mean, what’s funnier than growing a moustache out of pure spite? He worries about balancing so much because he wants everyone to have a fair chance at winning because he knows that losing over, and over, and over again just isn’t fun. He’s very genuinely smart and can admit when he’s wrong, he’s often the first to deduce that someone else is lying (takes one to know one!) and very logically driven (spontaneity is his Achilles heel, best examples being Ze, Vik, Chibi and Side, all of which are either comedically impulsive or refuse to adhere to logic). The fact that he is very in-touch with others emotionally and intellectually (whether he realises it or not) makes him very good at a myriad of things - mystery-solving, game-balancing, entertaining, and literally any of the other things I’ve already said about him and in my excited live-blogging.

(Something I notice just as a general observation about PR1 vs. some content creators I used to watch is that there’s a lack of rage in PR1. Personally I think this is a huge improvement and it’s way more entertaining to watch people having genuine fun and for grown adults to not take losses as failures and not get pissy and rage quit when things aren’t going their way. And the lack of rage-induced slurs thrown around is… well, refreshing, to say the least. - more on this in another post, probably)

Anyway, in conclusion, Chilled is awesome and I have copious amounts of respect for him (even if he is addicted to Yu-Gi-Oh! and doesn’t have gutters lmao)

#oh so I can write a parasocial gush essay about my streamer but can’t write a single sentence of school work? figures. #I could go on for hours. this is draft 2 and I think it’s comprehensible now. hopefully #anyway. there is a reason Chilled has a big audience and it’s this #chilledchaos #private recording 1

[thatsparrow]

post-banshees of inisherin thoughts

the quick n dirty bullet point rundown of the, like, 40-min conversation my mom and I had about this while hiking earlier (spoilers ahead, ofc)

beautiful. this one goes without saying, but truly, every shot of the landscape is the most stunning vista you’ve ever seen. god let me live in colm’s house on that bay

the setting and environment is so specific (and claustrophobic, almost, despite the grandeur of the scenery) in a way that’s so vital to the story. in terms of the town, we only ever see the same handful of streets, the same three or four buildings, the same two-block stretch of storefronts and the harbor. because it’s set in the ’20s, we of course have no phones or tv, but no radio even. it’s an island off the coast of an island. there’s no sense of needing to labor to make ends meet, and so there’s an abundance of free time that lends itself to how quickly things unravel. pádraic asking “do you think I have nothing better to do with my time” and colm saying, “yes, you have nothing better to do with your time.”

jenny my beloved :(

feels rare that you get a story about a friend breakup that’s treated with the same gravity and intensity of a romantic relationship ending. of course pádraic loses his mind—what else does he have (never mind that their friendship didn’t make much sense to begin with.) who could see an ex-anything having the time of their life after they’ve cut you out of it and not feel needy, desperate, insecure, hopeful, jealous, manic (which is also why the ending feels like it leaves the two of them in a very co-dependent, destructive place that seems very reflective of a romantic relationship gone bad. colm’s not looking to punish himself for pádraic’s company anymore. he didn’t stop pádraic from burning down his house, but he didn’t let himself die either. pádraic’s violence and follow-through has finally made him interesting enough to colm to renew the relationship, even if it now seems inevitable that it will end with one of them dying)

truly the scene that clinches the movie for me is when siobhan goes to return the first finger and tries to understand what’s gotten into colm, and he says that it’s because pádraic is dull, and she fires back that they’re all dull—it’s colm’s inflated sense of self-importance and the value of his own time that sets everything in motion, but is it really earned? of course not, but here’s siobhan telling him as much. he’s not special, and neither are you. none of us are

only saw it once, and so am working off last night’s memory of the costuming and color usage, but special shout out to that bright yellow coat that siobhan wears when she finally leaves inisherin

the whole question at the heart of it—what makes a life worth being lived? to be kind to those around you, and to be remembered as such, even if it’s only for a generation, or to dedicate all your efforts to creating something that lives on after you, no matter the cost. how does that play out? all pádraic’s got is his niceness, and that’s burned out of him by the time the movie’s done. colm’s spited himself enough to prove his point to pádraic that he can’t play the violin anymore. but who’s to say the story of this disastrous friendship won’t live on after the both of them are gone?

overall impression: I’m glad I saw it, and I’ll likely never watch it again

#there's probably more but not without writing a proper essay #mrs mccormick's role in the story. dominic. colm as an immovable object pádraic as an unstoppable force. anyway #the banshees of inisherin #the banshees of inisherin spoilers #kayla talks media

[tobi-smp]

I'm sorry I'm confused who is Even and did he do something like that we shouldn't like him for

Context: [Link]

I honestly didn’t think I’d ever get a question like this tbh, evan is certainly more popular in this fandom than I am.

that said! the “evan” here is evanmcgaming. he’s a fan and creator on youtube that’s made a name for himself making lore videos, namely lore recap videos for the dream smp.

he’s gotten very popular, in part because most people trying to get into the dream smp don’t know where to start and videos promising to summarize all of the major arcs in the series are an enticing way to catch up quickly and jump in to the newest streams.

and in part because he’s heavily endorsed by the streamers on the dream smp. with some of the newer streamers not only explicitly using his videos to catch up on the lore, but streaming this process live to their audience.

you would hope, then, that these summaries would be as accurate as possible, or at least Competent. they are not.

I’ve gotten into more detail about this Plenty of times [Link 1, Link 2, Link 3, Link 4]

but essentially, evan doesn’t make summaries of the dream smp, he makes Retellings of the dream smp and fills in those details as he likes. he makes his videos primarily for entertainment value, and what he views as “entertainment” is his version of the story.

this means:

- he will cut out entire characters from arcs that they have active roles in if he thinks they’re too boring (like fundy being completely missing from the manberg arc After evan calls him a traitor for burning the flag, meaning that detail is never clarified).

- when he Decides characters are suddenly interesting he’ll start introducing them to his recaps, but without the context of everything that came before (quackity’s butcher army and las nevadas arcs without the context of l’manberg or the abuse he faced during manberg or without the fiances. or sam’s prison arc without the context of literally everything about him that came before that, without the context of his kindness or his friendships).

- he’ll deliberately misrepresent a situation, either for “dramatic effect” that never pays off or to make the writing “more entertaining” (he presented the griefs that dream framed tommy for as if tommy had actually done them and left out Several Details in the lead up to the trial to imply that tommy was just outright guilty and that dream was innocent in the lead up to tommy’s exile. he then softened the exile itself to “tommy was sad,” not mentioning anything about the physical or emotional abuse. and then Didn’t tell his audience that tommy nearly attempted to commit suicide at the end of it. this was Apparently to make the fact that dream was a villain a big twist during the disc war finale despite the fact that it’s. literally lying to your audience).

- he’ll just make up what characters Must be thinking and present it entirely as fact along side the rest of his summaries when it’s. not canon. when it is him straight up (often times Wildly) speculating about information that he Couldn’t Know. this is, again, justified by him insisting that it’s for His Storytelling. (remember when I said that he covered up tommy trying to commit suicide? he did this by saying that dream knew that tommy built the tower to try to trick him into thinking he was dead, but that He knew he was still alive. which is evanmcgaming writing fanfic about something that happened off screen instead of describing anything about tommy’s actual character arc during the summary of Tommy’s Character Arc).

- he’ll just straight up ignore fundamental details about characters and arcs for seemingly no reason. (fundy being wilbur’s son doesn’t come up during his summary of the l’manberg arc, and I genuinely can’t understand why.)

this isn’t even a comprehensive list.

I don’t hate evanmcgaming Personally. he’s a teenager making content because he wants to, simple as that.

I hate that he’s popular. I hate that he’s endorsed by the cc’s. I hate that we can trace back tons upon tons of misinformation, both in the fandom and among the cc’s, back to this One Guy because he thought it was more fun to tell his own version of the narrative that he thought was Cooler while still presenting his videos as honest Accurate summaries. and I hate that his editing is sleek enough that A: most people assume that his videos must be of Some quality since they look nice and B: that quackity apparently brought him in to put his hands on canon and expose him to even more fans.

#evanmcgaming #neg #long post

[wisteria-lodge]

lion primary + slightly burnt bird secondary

Hello ! I did the quiz twice with slightly different results and I wanted to have your opinion cause I'm having trouble figuring it out. I tried to keep it short, but it's 4 pages on my google sheet i'm sorry, if it's too long I'll cute some parts there's not problem ! 

Also, I hope it's the right "place" to send it, I wasn't sure. 

You're doing great, although all that apologizing his making me think we're going to run into some burning here.

PRIMARY 

Lion: “Lions are probably the most likely to forgive their enemies, if those enemies seem to repent and change.” → I always say that it’s how you end that matters, not who you were before. 

I mean, I would hope so. That's a human thing. The real question is what proof will you take that someone has really changed. That's where we start getting into primaries.

“For a Badger, it is not about sides or repentance; it is about the inherent worth of a human being. Badgers who value other people in that way can and often will help someone or forgive someone who they dislike, distrust, or disrespect.” → No way. Not everyone deserves respect or help. It’s better to be right than kind. And being kind to someone bad isn’t right. 

That's intense. And probably points to either a Lion (possibly a Badger defining people out of their community, it depends where the rest of this goes.) But I'm leaning Lion. This knee-jerk 'some people are just BAD' and 'it's WRONG to be kind to bad people,' is a Lion's felt morality. A Badger would be more likely to say something like 'lack of kindness CREATES bad people,' or that the kindness *itself* is moral, rather than the Lion classic 'it's better to be morally right than to keep the peace.'

Snake vs Lion: If Snakes will be loyal to their loved ones and they won’t leave them on any instance, but Lions will be willing to leave friends or family members behind if they disagree on some important values and principles, then I’m stuck between the two.

Family is very important to me. I’ve always been close to my parents, sister and brother. We share the same principles and we generally agree on the same things but there are still differences sometimes that bothers me (ordinary sexism for ex).  At one time, I was so pissed off that I didn’t want to see them during the holidays. But I feel like it’s my responsibility to make them understand my point of view and to educate them on certain subjects. I wouldn't do this much effort for people I barely know, but it’s my family and I don’t want to lose them. I think that if they were really intolerant and opposed to my principles, I would avoid them, but I would be really depressed about it. And I’ll never stop trying to change their minds. 

That's... a really really REALLY Lion primary answer.

I hate losing people. I’ve always wanted a friendship that would lasts forever. But I had this friend, she was “problematic”. But, bc she was my friend, I was avoiding some topics so that we could just chill. But she started to debate at parties, and me, hearing these things, I couldn't stay silent. And then she was like “you’re so annoying, we can’t say anything with you”. I tried to explain to her how I was feeling so she could understand me. But due to our disagreements and her refusal to listen to me, I ended our friendship.

Lion. Lions have a LOT of trouble nurturing friendships or close relationships with people whose stances don't line up with theirs. And it might be hard, but they ultimately feel good and kind of badass about giving those people reduced access to them.

It was a bit hard, but I won’t accept toxic relationships and intolerant people. 

Like, if you were a Snake, you would have just rolled your eyes when your friend started talking politics at parties, and changed the subject. It wouldn't have felt like it mattered all that much. I'm also considering Lion secondary to you, because going into hard-core debate at parties is a *choice,* and not one that everyone would make. Because like you say, it runs the risk of making you seem annoying, a buzzkill, holier-than-thou. But a Lion secondary is willing to take the hit, and they get a lot of their power that way.

“Ultimately, lions are about their principles, not people. No matter the means, if the end is what is needed, then it all works out.” → Principles are important because people are. When you fight for a cause, you fight for people. I think it’s more like Lions fight for people they don’t know personally, who can be different, because it’s right, whereas Snakes for instance can do that but it’s not their priority. As for the end justify the means, again, it depends on the situation. I wouldn’t agree with this every time. Also, I realized that if I knew everyone personally, I wouldn't fight for them, I would fight them.

Oh man, are either are really a Lion secondary, or just REALLY live in your primary.

(The rest of it is just people stuff)

I often wonder if people are worth it. (cf. wonder woman “they don’t deserve our help”). Like, I have the feeling that almost everyone is either sexist, racist, lgbtphobic, etc. when they’re not all of that at the same time. 

You know, I am going to pull up that scene from Wonder Woman. I want to talk about how it fits into this system.

DIANA: My mother was right. She said `the world of men don't deserve you.' That's why she left. They don't deserve our help.

STEVE: It's not about whether they deserve it or not. It's about what you believe. You think I don't get it? All I've seen out there? I wish I could tell you that there was one `bad guy' to blame. Maybe we're all to blame. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try to do better. (beat) And if you believe this war should stop, Diana, if you want to stop it, then help me stop it.

Diana is a hurting Lion primary. It seems pointless, it seems hopeless, she's lost that burning moral certainty she had in the beginning. She doesn't even know if she wants to end the war anymore. But Steve is as Badger as Badger can get. He says it's a trap to talk about who 'deserves' saving, because everyone contributes to the whole, and all you can do push that whole back, or further into the light.

But that doesn't make sense to Diana. She's not really part of the whole, after all (she's both a really loud Lion, and an Amazon.) The argument that *does* make sense to her is the one she expresses later on.

DIANA: It's not about deserve... It's about what you believe... and I believe in love --

If you're a Lion, you *have* to believe in something, you just do. And Diana doesn't believe in people. She doesn't have to. She believes that love makes things better, and so she will love the world.

I believe that reformism is a tool when you have nothing else to ameliorate people’s conditions of life, but that only a revolution can change the system. But revolutions are violent, deadly, and even though I support it, would I be brave enough to give up my privileges, my life, my dreams, to fight for what’s right? I hope so. 

 I’ve always thought of Lion as the “activist." And I try to fight for what’s right. One day when I was a kid, my dad told me about the workers in the UK who went on strike for ONE YEAR in 1984-1985. He said some of them were so poor they had to eat rats and I was so shocked and admirative of their bravery that I still remember it years later. I’m always wondering if I could be as brave as them, and honestly, I don’t think so. But I try to be.

Strikes work. And I dunno. Everyone does suck, at least a little, and we should all do what we can to make ourselves healthier, wiser, better educated versions of ourselves. But that's kind of the point of Wonder Woman, and why it has to be set during World War I. People are capable of insane evil. But they're also capable of intense good, and if you burn it all down, you burn down the good too.

I try with small things, like saying what I think, not letting an injustice be unpunished. For example, my mother’s boyfriend said sexist and racist stuff so I stood up. I also try to do this at parties. It’s not easy bc i’m often portrayed as a buzz killer, a feminazi or else. But I feel really bad when I don’t do it, I feel guilty.  

You feel morally in the wrong (because you're a really loud Lion.) I'd watch that retribution streak though. That's something I tend to see with Exploded Lions.

Lion vs Bird:  Concerning my beliefs and principles, I like to have an opinion about everything bc I don’t believe in neutrality. Like, it’s okay not to know what to think about something, but it has to be temporary. I inform myself a lot. I want to know the truth, I believe there is one. Of course, reality is complex. But that doesn’t mean that there are not fair and unfair situations. Sometimes, it can be both. And for certain topics, I knew something was wrong even before getting some information and arguments, just cause I felt it was wrong. 

We've definitely got a little Bird secondary going on here. Could be a model you love. Could just be your secondary.

“They can often feel extremely strongly about something… but have trouble breaking down their argument or explaining why (at least in the moment). You’re more likely to hear something like, “it’s wrong because it’s just wrong” from a Lion. They have internal voices which are very important to them, and matter a lot when they make decisions.” → THIS !!!! For example with death penalty, I felt it was wrong without knowing anything around this debate. I only read and did research after. Sometimes, I do some research on a topic because I don’t have an opinion on it, other times I do this but I already have an opinion and I'm searching for arguments to justify it. 

Lion primary. And from one Lion primary to another, beware any black-and-white worldview. It's a thought-killer. But yeah, sometimes you have to go though the process of deciding *why* you think something.

“A Bird can explain the structure of ‘why’ they believe what they believe (and will probably be thrilled you asked. More importantly, they will be happy to field any questions and have a discussion about it. A Lion might do this… but it would be an all-around more stressful conversation, and not a fun thing to do over brunch.” → Reading this, I thought about all the debates I had about feminism, rape culture, the use of racist or homophobic slurs and yes this is stressful, because people say horrible things.

Of course, you're fighting from a place or morality (not practicality or utility, which is always easier.) And, chances are when you're debating these things, you're fighting for your survival and of course that's stressful.

(it's just not a fair fight, when only one party is risking getting hurt)

It’s not that I doubt my arguments and analysis, just that people are not easily convinced, even with facts. 

My take on this is that very few people are convinced by facts, and almost never in-the-moment. Debates are not meant to change the mind of the person you're debating. They're meant to change the mind of any observers that might be on the fence, or to get into someone's mind like a splinter and just sort of - wait their chance.

So yeah, don't let racist jokes slide (I wouldn't) but also don't... feed the trolls. There are a lot of people who want to make bad-faith arguments just designed to get you angry. And you can't teach people who don't want to learn. Just do your thing, be visible, and when those people are ready - they know where to find you.

“When Lions change their minds it’s a much messier situation, and takes a lot longer.” → Some of my opinions have changed, evolved. It’s unpleasant to see that we were wrong, but not everyone can be right every time. The important thing to me is to realize your faults and act better. But yeah, sometimes, it hurts. 

It does. But it sounds like you already know that the most important thing is to remember that you might be working with flawed/incomplete data just the same as everyone else, and *always* might be wrong.

“There are also [Birds] who believe that truth is discoverable, and there is a universal, objective truth, and that they have found it. Maybe it’s not perfect, but it’s solid, and they’re sure that if they explain it sufficiently to someone else, that person would also see the truth of it. [Bird] Primaries also value internal consistency. Hypocrisy means that something is off, and wrong, and it irritates them.” →  Hypocrisy is one of the things I hate the most specifically because it’s pure lies, denial and bad faith. I always make sure that I’m always in the truth and on the right path, and that I don’t let myself get carried away by my ego or else. Not always easy. 

I know that 'hypocrisy' is often held up as THE thing that most annoys Birds, but all your language here is really Lion. 'Denial' 'Bad faith' - that's feeling something is right and deliberately going against it (a lion would *hate* that.) And really intense, exploded Lions tend to get swallowed up by their ego... while intense exploded Bird almost have no ego at all.

 SECONDARY

I think the first time I did the quiz I had bird secondary, but the second time I did it, I had this result : Burned Snake Secondary.

Okay, that's really interesting. I totally see the Bird, but I never would have guessed *snake.*

It said that:  “It doesn’t feel deceitful to a Snake to change to fit the needs of their environment: to be kind with this person, forceful with this one, erudite to the next. This adaptability can be applied to manipulation, influence, and power, but a Snake secondary can just as easily focus their efforts on maintaining friendships, making people happy, encouraging positive social change, or streamlining communication.” → I’d feel bad if I was being nice to someone I hate except if the point behind this fake nice attitude was to trick them. Because then, it would be justified and not just because I’m scared to say what I think of them.

This seems to tie back to your primary. It's not uncommon for Idealists (Lion and Bird) to be REALLY against lying - even a little bit, in any circumstance. It's very Kant. BUT, if your primary was okay with lying for some reason... then of course lying would be all right.

But "being nice to someone I hate [because] the point behind this fake nice attitude was to trick them" isn't a Snake sentiment, because that wouldn't feel fake to a Snake. It wouldn't feel deceitful, it wouldn't feel like lying, it would feel like just a communication style.

If anything, what you're describing here sounds *more* like a situation specific Actor Bird - a you have a Nice!You, in order to get things from people you hate.

As a teen, I wanted to be myself,

Human stuff. (But that kind of existential how-do-I-define-myself angst is especially common with Lion primary.)

but I also wished for people to see my worth. I was searching for others’ validation and it often led me to elaborate a bunch of strategies to get noticed and “admired” where I needed to be a bit hypocritical sometimes. But this whole era is hard to explain. 

Glory Hound Lion primary. (It's common, it's a classic.)

“A burned Snake secondary might want to be flexible, adaptable, and clever, but they feel like they are (or like people think they are) clumsy, unobservant, or blunt.” → I sometimes feel like I’m dumb in the way like I’m not particularly cunning but I wish to be. 

Look... everyone thinks Snake secondaries are cool...

SNAKE : “They naturally create the mask, the persona, that the situation requires, and shift out of it just as easily.” → I try to put on masks to appear on my best day, especially with people I just met. But it’s so hard to keep it, I usually forget how I was supposed to act and talk, and end up being my normal self. But I like the cunning part, I don’t know if i’m good at that but I would love to be. I have this recent example where I wanted to know something about a friend of mine, but it felt weird and rude to ask her directly so I bypassed the topic and she told me what I wanted to know. 

I think all this is just being garden-variety polite. (Which you talk about as basically as an Actor Bird persona, that you don't especially love.)

I also try to adapt to people in order to convince them. I know how they can react and I adapt my speech to them, because if I don’t, they’re gonna reject it directly. But I don’t think I’m snake bc I can’t restrain myself from being myself. For example, when I was like 12, I was in this awkward situation where my friends and I were hanging out, and one of my “friends” mocked me, while the others said nothing. It was a habit : this girl bullied me but we still hung out bc we had the same friends. It happened to me again a couple of years ago. So I was shutting my mouth bc I was afraid of losing all my friends if I stood up. But eventually one day, I was so angry that I told them how I felt. Both times, one month is all I could endure of their bullying. And both times, when I spoke, it just slipped out. I really had zero control. And even though I was afraid of the consequences, it felt good to say the truth and not let them walk over me. 

Hmmm. I mean, no one likes being bullied. And just blurting out stuff unwisely because you're angry, that's just a person thing. It didn't make you feel strong after all, it make you feel out of control. Which is why it doesn't seem to point to your secondary.

In general, you seem pretty comfortable with the single-player version of your Bird secondary. But you're in process of getting comfortable with the multi-player version. You... don't totally trust your ability to use it yet, but I'm not sure I would call it burned.

I also had a LION MODEL which says that: “Lion values honesty and integrity. If you model Lion secondary, you also value these things and like to live by them. You like to be honest, straightforward, and consistent-- but you wouldn't feel guilty for abandoning those values in the service of other, higher priorities. It would be nice if you could always say what you mean and stick with it-- but sometimes you have to be circumspect, restrained, or practical, and you don't feel bad about that.” And elsewhere I red about Lions secondary that : “Every other secondary will act or wear different personas, but to a Lion that feels immoral.” → I don’t think it’s immoral, but sometimes i’m tired of pretending. In fact, I like to put on a mask and play a part if it’s to manipulate people I don’t like, or if it’s just to obtain information that I can’t have just by asking. But I hate situations where I have to be polite and pretend that I like people I can’t stand. For example, I’ll have to have dinner with my mother’s boyfriend who said racist stuff and I’ll have to be polite and it’s going to make me feel bad/guilty. I try to be more honest. 

When you HAVE to do things, it make them a lot less fun. That's just being human. Authenticity is - a presentation that you have given your consent to, free and clear, in the knowledge that you could have just as easily said no. It's fun to play a part and be nice when it's you deciding to do that all on your own, to get something you want. But playing a part and being nice because you HAVE to, because you have no other choice... no one likes that.

 LIONS : “They charge into situations and have faith in their intuition” → I can feel in my gut that a situation is unfair

That's your primary talking.

but for general topics in everyday life, when I have a choice to make, I can’t decide. Choices are hard for me. I’m not an improviser, I plan everything. But sometimes, I wish I could let go of things. 

I'm really doubling down on Bird secondary for you. And feeling sort of stuck, incapable of making a practical decision - that's something I see with Bunt secondaries, *especially* with Burnt Bird secondaries.

“Lions solve problems by being committed (or stubborn.)” → I made myself a promise when I was a child, to never give up. I don’t even feel like I have a choice, I don’t like to give up on things or people, so I will always try. I only give up when I have no other choice.

That's your primary talking again. (You have a very loud primary)

BIRDS: When I was a kid, I wanted to be the smartest in the world like Einstein and thought that knowing everything by heart was enough 😂

Ooooh... young Bird. Such classic young Bird secondary.

Sometimes I’m scared not to have time to learn enough in my lifetime. And one of the reasons why I want to realize documentaries as my job, is to learn, and teach people. I want to give people information and try to make them understand things, and maybe change their minds, make them see the truth. 

I think you'd be a fantastic documentarian.

(Also? You've collected quotes about the different primaries and secondaries from at least three different sources, collected them here, and arranged your response around them. A very Bird secondary problem solving method.)

Since I was a child, it’s really hard for me to take decisions because first, I want everything lmao, and secondly, I'm always making sure I have all the information and I'm always waiting for the "perfect moment" so I just freeze in place.

A lot of Bird secondaries have this problem. And hate the idea that they're never going to know everything, or KNOW that something is the perfect moment. A Lion primary comes in handy here - sometimes you just have to kick your butt into doing *something*... because doing nothing is just as much as choice as everything else.

I love to-do lists. I love traveling and I make super detailed lists about the countries I want to visit and the things I wanna do and see in order not to forget anything. Because I don’t wanna miss a thing. I’m always afraid of wasting my time and life. I’m not against improvisation sometimes, but not when it could waste the only chance I have to do/see something that really matters to me. I know I want control over everything, and I’m a bit of a perfectionist too, often leading me disappointed. 

Bird. And watch that perfectionist streak. You'll never do anything if you only accept immediate perfection.

Badger : “Rather than an integrity of performance (as with Lion Secondaries, who must be themselves or wither), there is an integrity of method with Badger. Things must be earned. Interactions and achievements must be fair.”→  I do want to earn my success. But when it comes to decisions that have an impact on people, I wouldn’t mind using manipulation and lies. If, for example, the only way to legalize abortion at some point in one’s country was to threatened anti-abortion voters to make them change their votes, I would do it, because first I don’t mind if they got scared and most of all, because the stakes are too high.

Kind of an interesting way to end, okay. And let's unpack this.

First off, it's definitely not a Badger answer. A Badger would say that a victory built on an unstable foundation, like a foundation of fear, of propaganda, of misinformation, is never going to be a *lasting* victory. But Badgers generally take longer to get where they're going, and sometimes you *do* need something to happen *now* or someone's going to die, which is pretty much the only place threats of violence have. I mean, fear is just a bad motivator. It's that whole consensual behavior thing. If you only do something because you're afraid of what will happen to you if you don't, then you just get resentful and better at hiding.

You also like these hypothetical power fantasies. "If the only way to legalize abortion was to blackmail/exhort/threaten the friends and family of the people behind an anti-abortion bill, would you do it?" It's a fun philosophical question in a trolley problem kind of way, but practically - that's never going to be the case because the world isn't that simple. I get that you're young, I get that you feel powerless, I get that the idea of scaring these people that say things that scare you feels good. But I get protective of young firebrand Lion primaries, because we *do* need you, and I *don't* want you to burn yourself out. OR hit that "Everyone not with me is an enemy" mindset, which just narrows down choices and possibilities.

Stay strong. Find some good friends. Don't let your mom's boyfriend give you a hard time. You're going to be okay.

#submission #shc #sortinghatchats #lion primary #bird secondary #burnt bird secondary #burnt secondary #lion bird

[seasurfacefullofclouds1]

This is what I don’t understand what is this one direction fan phenomenon to always victimise these five guys. They are rich and famous beyond measure. There is literally zero need for them to play politics and power games at this point.

If they can’t be genuine to their ex-bandmates and have their backs, people who literally started out together from nothing and reached such heights then they won’t do that for anybody else. All of their other relationships by comparison are superficial.

That is the only measure of character. If they don’t stand good on this it shows what they really are no matter how many puff pieces about them are printed. One direction fans crying about their friendship with their ship names means nothing, they just are not good people who will have anyone’s back.

Exactly. This is why fans have to cobble together FBI clues about how much they like each other or support each other, and why context matters.

Our character is most tested when our values are challenged. The band’s break up, the subsequent behavior of each man as they developed their careers, their methods and the people they surround themselves with, their responses to adversity— these matter more than the trademarked mottos, PR soundbites, celebrity endorsements, or fandom head canons.

As we watch the 1D guys grow into maturity, we also notice that they are who they have always been. Their characters are consistent to their younger selves, only more so.

Remember when Louis said in AOTV that throughout 1D, he didn’t think about going solo, “Not once, not once. I was obsessed with the idea of us moving as a unit.”

Louis has steadfastly held on to the idea of a 1D reunion because the idea of betrayal is so completely abhorrent to his character. He would rather believe that reunion is possible than face the fact that Harry had been thinking about a solo career since year 2 of One Direction, and not told anyone else about it.

Character is character. It always reveals itself. In artists as in fans.

[frodo-with-glasses]

Continuing this ask from weezlbot: Sam and Frodo!

2. “My favorite scene of them”

I answered this one here! TL;DR: I can’t decide, but it’s probably split between Whether or No, the Tower rescue, or Frodo’s laughter on the path of Cirith Ungol.

4. “My favorite thing about them”

I HAVE TO CHOOSE??! 🤣

Okay but in all seriousness, I’ll have to go with the emotional vulnerability. The loyalty is in a close second, of course, but really, you could have the most die-hard bromance in the world and it still would not be Frodo and Sam without the insane level of emotional intimacy that they have. I think it’s why Frodo and Sam just always draw me back; there’s just something so alluring about a friendship where literally nothing is hidden.

Frodo confides in Sam his despair and grief and pessimism because he trusts Sam, and he’s not afraid to be vulnerable and weak around him. Sam piles expression of love onto expression of love on Frodo because he trusts him, and he knows he won’t be mocked or jeered at for being “sentimental” or “sappy” or “unmanly” (if that last one is even an insult to a hobbit).

And because nothing is hidden, they just….get each other. They know what the other is thinking, to the point that Sam straight up predicts what Frodo is going to do at the Falls of Rauros! They work like two halves of a single mind, but it’s two halves with love and trust and full disclosure in between, and that’s what makes it even better.

Not to get off-topic, but I think that’s why they don’t even bat an eye to see each other naked every now and again. After all, what’s a body when you know every inch of someone’s complex and beautiful mind and soul?

7. “What makes me like their friendship”

Oh. Oh my dear weezlbot. I have spent my entire blog trying to answer this question. I have drawn doodle after doodle and written essay after essay on this topic and still, I have not expressed even a fraction of what I want to say. They say that you don’t really understand something until you can explain it to a five-year-old, but I have trouble even just getting it that concise, so I can only assume I still have more to learn and uncover.

I feel like Sam, full of emotions he can hardly express, and thinking to himself, “if I just knew elvish words, I could write a real song that could say what I’m thinkin’.” But I don’t, and I can’t, and what I’m left with is a love that leaves me nearly speechless.

I love how unassuming the relationship starts. I love how steel-plated and forged by fire it is at the end. I love how Sam makes Frodo laugh. I love how Frodo makes Sam want to be wise and kind and noble like him. I love their loyalty. I love their vulnerability. I love how easily they say “I love you”. I love how differently they say “I love you”, and that it’s still valued and understood to matter how it’s expressed. I love how the relationship that saved Middle Earth was not one between fearsome warriors with the blood of ancient kings, but between a bookish hobbit of the upper middle class and his gardener, who remain kind and soft and bleeding-heart until the very end.

I love how Frodo slowly deteriorated under his burden, and Sam still loved him anyway. I love how Frodo’s mind is ultimately poisoned and corrupted, and Sam still loved him anyway. I love how Frodo left the earth itself, and Sam still followed him, and FOUND HIM, because HE STILL LOVED HIM ANYWAY.

What makes me like their friendship? What is it that keeps drawing me back? Love. Agape love. Love whole and complete and unconditional. Love that sets my soul on fire with an emotion I can’t express, but it feels like coming home to a place you’ve never seen but that you know you were made for all along.

“I love him. He’s like that, and sometimes it shines through, somehow. But I love him, whether or no.”

FRIENDSHIP ASK GAME!

#ask game #frodo baggins #samwise gamgee #lord of the rings #lotr #my writing #EDIT: added the link oops LOL

[asteracaea]

link

A few months ago I started joking that half of the treatments in my psychiatric practice had become “Taylor-based.” Many of my patients are adolescent girls and young women, and they have leaned on Taylor Swift as a kind of big sister through the daily agonies of being a teenage girl: unsteady friendships, the 24-hour firing squad of the internet, and of course, the endless longing to feel seen and valued. At the end of a session exploring these struggles, I’ve appreciated having her to keep my patients company the rest of the week.

But as the Eras tour steadily lurched toward our favorite city, the Taylor-based therapy issues reached a boiling point. “How am I going to stay calm before she goes onstage?” “I need to do remote today because I can’t get Covid before the concert.” “How am I going to go back to regular life once it’s all over?” They were saying they needed to calm down, and to help them do that we dug through the full bag of tricks — behavioral, cognitive, psychodynamic, existential — and explored these patients’ relationships to anticipation, to enjoyment, to self-regulation, to suffering.

I was already a casual fan. My husband has been quasi-ironically blaring “Hey Stephen” from our speakers for years, and my daughter, 9, has strong views about whether Taylor should still be with Harry Styles. But I couldn’t really understand why this artist and this tour were so powerful — and so disruptive.

And so I started listening. And listening more. And I started staying up all night refreshing apps for last minute access to the “Taypocalypse.” And then I went to the show with my daughter. And now I, too, cannot calm down.

Swiftmania is a very different kind of high from what I experienced listening to music as a teenager — a high that is worth the pain. It’s not just the plethora of songs to discover, but the nonstop Swiftie culture itself — the constant access to the music, the news, the scrolling for swag, the shout-outs on the street, the sharing of songs and lines of poetic code via text or passed bracelet — a party that is raging all day and all night.

When I was growing up, I had the Indigo Girls, Tori Amos and Ani DiFranco, singers for whom a troubled inside matched a raw, edgy outside. But there was nobody who held forth on righteous anger from the inside of a sparkly bodysuit — who suffered as I did, but whose confident prowl could make me walk a bit taller. My singers would sit outside the party and complain with you, but when you got your courage up, they weren’t going to go inside, ready for it. Taylor doesn’t force you to choose, because she is both The Lucky One you want to be, and every bit the Anti-Hero you are inside.

Who is the Swiftie? In my practice, these patients share certain characteristics. Raised on a healthy diet of kindness and fairness, she is sensitive, ambitious and a bit of a perfectionist. Like Taylor, she dresses to be pretty and cool (and sometimes, for revenge), but inside, she is in all kinds of pain. Her self-doubt perpetuates a vicious cycle in a world where she is timid and young, and others may assume she knows nothing. She’s hard-working and frustrated, and wonders if she’d get there quicker if she was a man. Desperate to experience love, she has had her moments of begging for Romeo to just say yes, or tolerating being treated badly in some situationship (you said you needed space — what??). And yet, the Swiftie strives to be the modern day Cinderella, who doesn’t remember if she has a man. She finds in Taylor Swift an actual hero who meets her where she is but also shows her the badass place she could get to — so intoxicating precisely because it is within reach.

“What would Taylor Swift do?” is a refrain among certain patients in my practice. Teenagers suffer for many reasons. One is being fragile and in formation — a human construction site. Another is being surrounded by others who are fragile and in formation. Taylor Swift articulates not only the treachery of bullying but also the cruelty just shy of it that is even more pervasive: meanness, exclusion, intermittent ghosting. She says: Borrow my strength; embrace your pain; make something beautiful with it — and then, you can shake it off.

But what is singular about this artist, in this time, is the access she has created to a cohesive community, particularly for the pandemic generation, whose social connections grew tragically elusive and for whom the internet’s offerings assumed a central role. Whatever you are upset about, the poet laureate of this generation has got a song somewhere in her mega-oeuvre describing that precise feeling. She is not going to solve whatever problem you are having, but she is going to sit with you in it until the passage of time does its work: Look at her now.

Teenagerhood taunts you to explore and perform who you might be, on repeat, and the “Eras” theme of her current tour electrifies this process. MetLife Stadium was a bacchanal of mass identification, a celebration of that ubiquitous girl who felt somewhat invisible until there were 83,000 of her, sparkling from miniskirt to concert bracelet, lighting up the night sky, and wondering: Which era am I right now? Who was I last year? And what’s the part of me that is emerging, gaining complexity? The eras offer a reassuring developmental trajectory that includes them all. You may dress up as 1989 party girl, but it’s understood by everyone here that you are also heartbroken and rageful and forgiving and brave.

We will all eventually calm down, but for now I am leaning in to this fever dream, this restlessness, and sleeplessness, and decline in focus on anything else — a champagne problem perhaps, but also a gift. Sometimes it’s good to let yourself be disrupted, to be a little less productive, to stay stay stay in an enchanted place as long as you can. Especially when there is someone new in your life who shows you colors you can’t see with anyone else.

My patients have their own dedicated professional to listen to them for 45 minutes a week and work with them to identify complex feelings and unhelpful patterns. But few teenagers have access to this kind of support. It’s confusing to be human and to be female, and I’m glad, both for my patients in their midnights, and for their populous, shimmering community, that they have someone so articulate, so generous, and so endlessly present to talk to.

#what a beautiful piece 💗🫶 #eras tour

[onyxheartbeat]

I’m turning 30 this year. Here are some things I learned throughout my 20s about love and heartbreak. This won’t apply to every identity, obviously. I’m simply sharing from my own romantic/sexual preferences.

-You can’t make a man love or value you by dressing sexier, dressing more modest, wearing more makeup, wearing less makeup, buying him gifts, giving him nudes or sexual attention, or even by offering him love, friendship, and support. It’s easy to get caught up in the “But what if I was more ... ?” mentality. He loves you or he doesn’t. Love isn’t something we control or buy. Love, gifts, your energy, sexual affection may feel unconditional, but years can go by before you even realize he didn’t reciprocate any of it even though he gladly took all those things, and you’re probably going to feel like an idiot. Wanting attention from a man you like is normal, but unrequited love is a bitch. You have to take accountability for how long you indulge in the dysfunction of it all.

-Love, hate, and resentment for a man who took advantage of you can live in your heart all at once. It’s always complex if the friendship/relationship was complex. If you loved him, there’s a chance that you’ll never fall out of love completely. Acknowledge everything you’re feeling. 

-Giving chances is a healthy thing, despite this era’s obsession with cutting people off the second things get hard, but after a few incidents of the same disappointment, you have to take responsibility for enabling them. You have to find the self-respect to tell them what they’re doing isn’t ok with you, and you have to say goodbye. This was definitely the hardest lesson for me to accept. It took me a long time to express upset feelings to two different men I fell for while in my 20s, because I thought they wouldn’t want to talk to me anymore if I did (and I was right). But it’s a blessing in disguise when someone repeatedly doesn’t respect your boundaries. It lets you know they don’t care about you—it’s like the trash taking itself out. Just accept that they’re gone.

-Closure is a myth. You’ll never get closure if you’re upset about something they did that they never apologized for, etc.. You’ll never be able to “make them take accountability” for what they did unless you decide to do something reckless or illegal (I don’t recommend that). If you’re like me and you don’t believe in karma, you just have to accept that they got away with being shitty. It sucks. Being angry is valid and you don’t have to forgive and forget. Channel the rage and resentment into art, writing, physical activity, or just to better understanding yourself. Go to therapy or find a support group. You will drive yourself insane trying to understand why they acted how they did. You have to understand that they don’t care.

-Overseas/long distance or internet relationships can be incredibly intellectually fulfilling, if you’re like me and you don’t date, but you love writing and the romance of words and getting lost in a fantasy world. It feels less stressful because there’s no dating involved. It feels safer, as you get to know someone from a distance. It can feel very romantic, but unless you feel the same way about each other, years can go by and it can end up feeling juvenile, like a waste of time, and a lost cause.

-Keeping yourself single all the while perpetually being in “situationships” where you’re waiting and hoping and trying for a specific someone to want you back just amplifies the loneliness of being single. 

[azbookblog2023]

Scritch Scratch

Scritch Scratch is a juvenile ghost story written by Lindsay Currie. It falls under the genre of Horror/Mystery suspense, and the target age group for this book is children 9-12 years.

The story follows a young girl named Claire, an aspiring scientist and skeptic of the paranormal who is required to help her father with his ghost tour in Chicago. While on the tour she catches a glimpse of a little boy who she doesn’t recall seeing at the beginning of the tour. Claire brushes this off and figures she must have overlooked him. However, she begins to feel on edge when she doesn’t see him at the end of the tour and even more uneasy when strange occurrences start to happen to her at home. Claire can’t quite understand what she saw, and can’t find an explanation for the mysterious scratching on the wall and whispers she’s been hearing. She’s worried that she is being haunted by the boy from the bus and she’s on a mission to find out why. 

As a lover of all things spooky, I chose this title because it incorporates aspects of the paranormal with real life historical events in Chicago, and a hint of investigative work. Scritch Scratch has memorable characters, and the dynamic relationships and bonds between Claire, her family, and new friends give young readers the message that supporting one another is important. Even though Claire was a skeptic, her determination to help the ghost boy who is haunting her demonstrates that there is value in helping those in need. I also chose to evaluate this book because it gives representation to the challenges that young adults face during their middle school years, such as working through friendships and feeling anxious about asking for help. Navigating through emotions can be difficult for young adults, and I believe that young readers who enjoy spooky stories can find comfort in Claire’s story.

For this review I will be evaluating: Style & Language, Tension, and Mood.

Style & Language: Because this is a horror story I believe that style and language are crucial to the story itself. According to Young et al., "style is the way a writer manipulates all the facets of language such as word choice, syntax, and sentence length". Beginning with the title "Scritch Scratch", Lindsay Currie strategically used words that a young reader might find spooky. This alone was used to guide the rest of the story. Readers were already aware that this book would be scary, and the language and tone used by the protagonist shifted as she realized she was being haunted. I think the author did a good job of using style & language to set up this story. As I read along I felt like my attitude was parallel to that of Claire's throughout the story as she searched for answers.

Tension: Every horror story needs to have tension that will keep the reader engaged. I believe Currie was successful in using this element from the beginning to end. I believe creating Claire's character to be a scientist who is a skeptic contributed to that tension as her attitude began to shift when she felt fear. At first I was curious about what was happening with Claire and then my focus changed to the ghost boy she had seen and what he wanted. I was determined to keep reading until I found out what had happened to him.

Mood: According to Young et al., "The mood is the atmosphere evoked in the writing". For this particular story, the mood consisted of spooky and innocent. Lindsay Currie was also successful in this area. After reading this book I was reminded of the characters in other horror books and horror films who are nonchalant and skeptic about paranormal encounters. Once the protagonist begins to feel fear the audience does so as well. In this case, when Claire see's the boy and does not recognize him and then does a double take to only see that he is gone the reader is involved in the story and feels the same fear as Claire.

References:

Currie, L. (2021). Scritch scratch. Sourcebooks Young Readers.

Young, T. A., Bryan, G., Jacobs, J. S., & Tunnell, M. O. (2020). Children’s literature, briefly. Pearson.

#3RD-7TH

[superderby389]

Tuesday, august 19, 5:49pm, 2023

I have had a long, long time to think.

I’ve been caught up in head-spinning investigations that ended up nowhere, emptying the well that is my care to it’s sandy bottom. In that search I’ve found a new server to join on discord.

It feels fake in a way. Few feel real, and those who are, are beyond my comprehension. They’re adults, and I’m just some fucking kid, doomed to wish for what I can’t have. How am I supposed to understand them, when I can’t understand myself? How am I supposed to be friends who is no less than a fucking god to me? It doesn’t work like that, and it never will, and I will never meet these people again once I can. Im watching what could have been slip away, watching the good people die, forced to forge friendships with people no less than demons.

I’ll never know them. I’ll never know their backstory or inside jokes, how they got here or why things are. I’ll never know the servers history or why people are hurt. I’m stuck on the sidelines asking questions while I’m neglected, a cruel mimicry of what I do to myself. They stave me of emotion, while I drown my own.

No one seems to care. It’s all forget, not forgive. I’ve never given answers. I’m just left to rot, left to figure out answers from people who let their emotions dictate their thoughts. The only ones who aren’t like that are the adults, who either wear masks or, get booted because some one person feels uncomfortable around them, or are simply above me. It hurts to know I am nothing to them, no matter what they try to say or do. In the end, their care is nothing and will lead nowhere, and I understand it fully.

I don’t get their way of handling drama. They don’t understand how much of a gift it is, to feel pain and feel connection and feel true anger. To have something happen in your life is a gift I’ve seen not comprehended. I’ve been stuck in a visceral cycle for the past year, waiting, praying for a god that isn’t there, hoping it will change, forced to watch everyone else have the fun and throw it all away. They don’t Understand.

Did I really get anywhere? In some way I have human connections now, but is it really connection? I don’t have any new friends, my name is still unknown and not valued. I’m pitied, giving “friendship” from those too nice to ignore me, and I pray they just put that energy back into themselves.

Nobody deserves me. My life is too still, my thoughts too unjust, my abilities too unrefined. I’m not a person, just a fake joke of what could have been. I don’t have a personality, or story, or a trophy to my name. All I have is empathy, useless words, and a simultaneous ego mixed with a deep depression that digs itself deeper every day.

I pray for the day I die. I pray it will be soon. I don’t want to live like this: alone, together, known, forgotten, fed, starving, happy, unfulfilled. This life is a joke. And it will go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

I have had a long, long time to think: and now I simply wish to not anymore.

[outshinethestars]

Disambiguation (Daredevil fic)

Sequel to Abilities

“Are you even really blind?”  Foggy had asked.

It is a strange effect of intense shock, that all the vagueness of drunken memory is wiped away.  Foggy can remember every moment of that night with crystal clarity.

It seems deeply unfair that such shock does not prevent you from making a fool of yourself whilst drunk.

Arguments in real life are not like arguments in court.  There is no truth to be gotten to.  There is no judge, no evidence, no rules of law.   Foggy did not win the argument that night, because arguments between friends cannot be won.

It went like this.

Question: “You can see, right?”

Answer: “In a manner of speaking.”

This answer was taken at face value.

Once, when they were in college, one of Matt’s textbooks was provided as a digital version that was screen-reader friendly, instead of a physical braille book.  This was because the ebook was significantly cheaper, and the school was paying for Matt’s materials per his scholarship.

“This is fine,” Matt had reassured.

“But you like reading your textbooks, don’t you?”  Foggy said,  “So it’s easier to go back and forth when you’re studying.  And this is slower.”  

The speed was a major issue, Foggy’d known.  Everything just took longer for Matt, being blind was a long frustrating series of academic annoyances.  Matt’s reading speed was insane, was one of the few areas he could catch up, but the computer’s reading voice put a cap on that.

“I can put it on triple speed or something,” Matt had said.

“Doesn’t that stress you out?”  Foggy had asked,  “You should have a braille copy.  You should complain.”

“Foggy, it’s fine,”  Matt had said, “I have full access to the material.”

And Foggy had watched the tense line of Matt’s shoulders, the unhappy line of his mouth, as he studied for that particular class, and he wished he could explain that that wasn’t good enough.

Matt said: “In a manner of speaking.”

Matt said: “I have full access to the material.”

But Foggy wasn’t thinking about that, not with the echoes of “Are you even really blind?” ringing out somewhere in the distance only Matt could hear.

Looking back, there is regret.  There are so many things that Foggy should have asked, but didn’t.  There are so many things that Matt might have said, if Foggy had listened.   That was the time to ask, to understand.  But it is gone now, Foggy can’t go back in time and change it.  He wishes it could have gone differently.  They made it up to each other later, and then blew up and made up in what he’s terrified might be an infinite loop.  But it feels sometimes now as though the new foundations of their friendship are rotten, improperly assembled.  But it’s too late to dig down into it again, now he has made his stance known.  To return to that place, to ask again, to demand answers, would be to resurrect the argument from its peaceful decomposition, would be an accusation in itself.

At the time though, Foggy did not want to understand.  At the time he was only drunk and furious.  Shock, anger, does not improve clarity of thought, quite the opposite in fact.  There are things now that Foggy can never unsay.

Accusation:  “I actually felt sorry for you.”

Rebuttal, an accusation in kind: “I didn’t ask for that.”

This rebuttal was disregarded.

Foggy knew this, that Matt never asked for his pity.  Knew that there was little Matt hated more than pity.  If you had asked him the day before if Foggy felt sorry for Matt, he would have said that of course he didn’t, would have been offended on both their behalfs.  In vino veritas, he supposes.

Or perhaps not.   Because thinking back on it, it was not really pity that Foggy had felt robbed of, but pride. Foggy had felt proud of his skills as Matt’s friend.  Proud of his skill in noticing what visual cues Matt was missing out on and casually describing them, proud of his guiding prowess, even drunk, proud that Matt, who trusted no one, trusted him, or so he thought.  So he thought.

It was having that pride, that accomplishment that he had incorporated into his sense of self, taken from him, that stung.  But even at the time Foggy was aware how eminently self-centered that would sound.  So he called it pity, knowing that would cut deep.

It is an irony, how skillfully, how recklessly, in his anger at feeling he did not know his friend at all, Foggy wielded the knowledge that he did in fact hold.  He said things he would have thought himself incapable of saying.  He thought the very essence of their relationship was a lie, and so he used weapons that Matt had given to him in trust, only because a part of him was certain that the blows could not land.

They did land, every one of them, Foggy now knows, sure and deadly.

But that was all nearly two years ago now.  Foggy cannot go back.  He cannot dig down to the rubble of their pre-daredevil friendship and rebuild things properly, there are layers of argument and disappointment and long, long months of grieving and a resurrection between.  Foggy can’t go back, can’t say what he didn’t, can’t unsay what he said.  All he can do now is stand atop the pile and build from here.

So, really, it starts like this.

Matt trails his finger absently along the edge of the counter of the kitchenette in their new office as he goes to make coffee in the morning.  Foggy notices this, because he is used to noticing things about Matt.  Once he thought it was one of the things that made him a good friend, then he thought that it was one of the things that made him a fool, and how didn’t he notice all the injuries anyway?  Now it is simply a thing that is.

A small part of him is angry that Matt is lying to him even now, but Foggy tells that part to pick its battles.

But Foggy notices.  Matt leads with his hands a little in their new office, fingers exploring new surfaces, picks things up and puts them back again in the exact same place.   He leads with his hands a little, until he doesn’t.

One morning, Matt just makes a beeline to the coffee pot.  Foggy thinks he’s tired, he’s in a hurry, he’s just dropped the act. But gradually he stops trailing his fingers over things in the office altogether.  It’s a pattern that Foggy has seen before, Matt learning a place by heart, and then knowing it.  But if it’s an act, there’s no reason for it.  It’s not an act for strangers.  A stranger would not know how familiar Matt is with a space, a stranger would not know how he learns a place and makes it his.

Karen asked once why he didn’t drop the act for them.   Matt said that he had to keep it up for everyone else, and Foggy had taken this as simple fact.  But Matt lies, Matt has always lied, and Foggy has always known this.  Or at least, Matt has always been disingenuous, careful in what he says, cautious in what he shows to the world, even to Foggy.   Matt has always hidden away his vulnerable places, has always pretended, as best he can, not to be different, not to be a bother, not to send out ripples to disturb people's expectations, not unless they blatantly underestimated him, sometimes not even then, if it was someone he liked.   It is one part pride, Foggy thinks, and one part self preservation, and one part a silent, desperate desire to exist on his own terms outside the prying eyes of a world that is always watching without his permission.  Or so Foggy thought once upon a time.   Foggy had known all this long ago, back when he knew that he knew Matt Murdock.

But then Daredevil nearly bled out in front of him, and Foggy got it into his head that Matt could see, even though that had never been exactly what Matt said.

Foggy puts a little plastic dinosaur on the edge of his desk.  Marci got it for him in what was for her an incredibly sappy romantic gesture.  His previous office dinos had gone missing somewhere in the shuffle of the past few chaotic years, but Marci had remembered them all the way from Landman & Zack.

Matt tilts his head, noticing something different about Foggy’s desk.  His hand reaches out and then returns to his side in an aborted gesture, as though he’s not sure that he has permission.

In a past life, Matt would have pretended not to notice at all, but then in a past life Foggy would have described the new addition to their office already.  In a better life than this one, Matt would not feel that touch was disallowed him, with Foggy looking on.  In this life Foggy notices Matt’s noticing and the shy uncertain twitch of Matt’s fingers, and he says, “Oh, yeah.  I got a new office dino.  Pick him up, buddy, tell me what you think.”

Matt picks up the plastic dinosaur, he does not pretend he has to grope around for it.   His fingers explore the textured plastic, run gently along the long neck, tracing over the snakelike tail.

“What color is it?” he asks.

“Green,” Foggy says, “Sort of darkish and the same all over.”

“Classic,” Matt says, and then he smirks, “Smells like Marci.”

It’s on the tip of Foggy’s tongue to say how creepy that is, smelling Foggy’s girlfriend on his things.  But then it occurs to him that Matt can’t help smelling the dinosaur anymore than Foggy can help seeing it.  So instead he just rolls his eyes.

“I’m rolling my eyes at you, Murdock,” he says.  Matt’s lips twitch upward.

Matt comes to the office beat to hell.  Foggy glares at him, and somehow he can tell, shifts uncomfortably and fiddles with the cuff of his right sleeve, doing nothing to actually hide the bruise blooming on his wrist.  Matt knows, but he does nothing to acknowledge it, and Foggy feels the overwhelming need to verbalize his displeasure.

“I’m giving you a death glare, Matt,”  Foggy says, “No, I’m leveling it.  It is a glare filled with intense disappointment in all the life choices that brought you to this point.  It’s a good glare, if you could see it you would be deeply ashamed.”

Matt does turn to face him then, but he’s smiling.  Somehow Foggy finds that he doesn’t actually mind.

“Sorry,” Matt says, “I’ll try to avoid idiots with baseball bats in future.”

“Is that what it was?”

Matt shrugs, “It was a bunch of dumb kids, I didn’t want to actually hurt them too much.  It’s just bruises, probably looks worse than it is.”

“It’d better,” Foggy says, “You look like you’re turning into grapes.”

“Grapes?” Matt says, eyebrow raised, amused.

“Yes, grapes,” Foggy says, “Squashy, purplish, half smashed grapes.  Or plums.  That bruise on your face is about plum-sized, and your glasses do not cover it.  Sort of plum-shaped too, I think.  Or it could just be that I’m hungry.”

Matt chuckles.  “I’ve missed this,” he says.

“What, me being distressed at your visible state of injury?  Because buddy, I hate to break it to you, but that has not been an uncommon occurrence in recent years.”

“No, this, the visual descriptions.”

“Oh,” Foggy says.  He has been doing that a lot less, hasn’t he.  And when he has described things, it’s mostly been for the sake of outside observers, terse, utilitarian reports that Foggy half resents giving, forced to participate in the lie.

“But you don’t need them, do you?  I mean, don’t pretend you couldn’t tell I was pissed from my heartbeat or radar sense or whatever.”

“Well, no, I don’t need them usually,” Matt says, “But I still like how you describe things, adds color.”

“Okay,” Foggy says.

Color.  Foggy rolls the word around in his head, thinks about the implications.  Considers the differences between need and want, braille books and ebooks.  There are things that Matt can sense that Foggy can’t even imagine, beautiful things, probably, along with the annoying things and the really disgusting things.  Matt knows people by heartbeat and by scent and by voice, knows them by heart the way everyone does.   But he hasn’t seen a smile since he was a kid.  Foggy knew that once, it hasn’t changed.

“I really am sorry,” Matt says later, “For making you worry.”

“I wish you were sorry about getting hurt,”  Foggy says.

“I don’t owe you an apology for that, though, do I?”  

Foggy doesn’t say anything to that.  He feels that they are on the brink of something ugly, but Matt eases them back from the edge.

“Does it really look that bad?” Matt asks.

“It’s definitely a good thing we’re not meeting anyone today, let’s put it that way,” Foggy says.

Matt sighs.  “It always trips me up, you know,” he says, “How visually dramatic bruises are.  I mean, it’s barely even swollen.  Cracked ribs are so much louder, hurt more too.”

“Your ribs are cracked?” Foggy asks, alarmed.

“No,” Matt says, “But they were a couple weeks ago.”

“Oh.”  And Foggy hadn’t known.  It really must be jarring for Matt, feel arbitrary, the things Foggy gets upset about.

“You, know,” Foggy says, “It’d be nice if you told me when your ribs are cracked, or you’re seriously injured in any way, just so that I can be disappointed in your life choices in a more accurate fashion.”

Matt chuckles, but when he speaks he’s serious.

“I’m sorry,”  he says, “About not being honest, I know I’ve fucked you over, and Karen too.  Because the things that affect me affect you too, so you have a right to know about them.  Even— even have a say in them sometimes.   But  it’s hard.  I just—“  he cuts off, as if searching for words.

“Stick told me,” he says slowly,  “That people like us couldn’t have people.  Couldn’t trust them anyway.  Because of the whole chaste, war, getting people killed thing.  But also because people would, would try to control us.  Either to use us, or just because they thought they knew better.   Because they’ll think you can’t decide for yourself.  You can’t have attachments, strings, because there’ll always be someone trying to pull them.  You have to be independent, because that’s the only way to prove that you can be.  And if you’re ever not, if you ever have to lean on someone else, then you’ve failed at, at existing, and everyone who’s ever doubted you gets proven right.  And I know that’s bullshit.  Because it’s not just— I mean, everyone needs help sometimes.  And maybe it’s safer, or… or easier in some ways to just not let anyone close.  But it’s better not to be alone.  And I’d rather have you, you and Karen and this , than anything.  But I haven’t had anyone to depend on, anyone I really trusted, since my dad died, and I don’t know where the lines are.  I don’t know how much I owe and I don’t know how much I’m owed.  It scares me, Foggy, because it feels like I have to give up a part of me, and I just, I just have to trust that you guys will give it back, and that’s fucking terrifying.”

Foggy listens, he really listens for what he realizes might be the first time in a long time.  It all slots into place with disturbing ease.  It’s stuff he knows already, mostly, or used to know.  He wishes, not for the first time, that Stick was still around, so that Foggy could give him a piece of his mind.  But he also wishes, weirdly, that he could go back further, find out who it was that hurt Stick in the first place.  Matt’s fiddling with one of the buttons at the hem of his shirt.  The skin over his knuckles is red and cracked.  Scared.  Terrified.  Matt never admits to being scared.  It’s been a long time, is the thing, since Foggy thought of Matt as being vulnerable to anything but bullets, and maybe highly trained ninjas on an off day.  But the thing is that anyone can be vulnerable, and societal pressures don’t just go away because you can kick crime in the face while doing a backflip.

“I’m sorry, too,” Foggy says, “I haven’t always, I guess I haven’t always respected your choices, and that’s really shitty.  I mean, there’s certain things, if we’re working together, where we are accountable to each other.  But I don’t have any right to decide how you live your life; I want to be a part of it, but that’s different.  I just, it’s just hard, because I know you can take care of yourself, but sometimes it feels like you don’t care about yourself, and that scares me.  And I’ve been so terrified of losing you that I can’t see anything else.  But I can’t change you, I mean, I shouldn’t change you, shouldn’t want to change you, or force you into anything because then you would lose you, and that would be worse.  I, um, I’ve been really stupid about the whole Daredevil thing, so I’m sorry.  You shouldn’t have to be scared to tell me things, because I mean, I definitely do intend to judge your life choices, but I don’t have any right to decide for you.  I’m here for you, that’s all.  That’s what it should mean, being friends and trust, and all of it.  I’m sorry if, that that hasn’t always been true.”

“Thank you, Foggy.  I am trying, if it helps, to get better about it, the taking care of myself thing.  It’s easier, it’s better than it was.”

“I’m glad,” Foggy says.  He wants to say thank you, but Matt’s right, his wellbeing isn’t something he owes Foggy , “That’s not something you need to do alone either, the trying,” he says instead.

And Matt says, “Okay.”

Here is another thing that Foggy forgot; it’s important.

When they were making Nelson and Murdock, before it all fell apart, it wasn’t that Foggy didn’t notice.

He noticed when Matt came into work late, came into work tired, came into work injured.  Of course he did, how could he not?  Foggy noticed, and he worried, he even tried to ask a few times, but Matt always evaded.  Foggy noticed, but he didn’t pry, he did not try to force answers out of Matt, he did not try to spy on him.  Because he was worried, sure, but he knew how much Matt valued his independence.  He knew that Matt was a grown man who could make his own choices, it was his right to make his own choices.  Foggy had made it clear that he would listen, he hoped he made it clear he could be trusted.  Matt could choose to tell Foggy whatever it was, or not, and Foggy could hate that, the not knowing, but he’d have to live with it.

And the thing is, Matt was wrong.   He was wrong to recklessly endanger himself, wrong to lie to Foggy, and wrong, most significantly and deeply, to do what he did, go out as Daredevil and commit crimes, while being partners with Foggy, knowing that it could get them both disbarred, without even telling Foggy the danger he was putting him in.  Matt was wrong, terribly and stupidly wrong.  But Foggy wasn’t.   Foggy was never wrong to grant him his respect and agency.

So, it happens like this.

Foggy describes things to Matt, the color of a sunset, the look on Karen’s face when Matt finally admits that her coffee is objectively vile, the gestures of strangers.  Matt laughs and the sound feels at home in his voice.

Matt throws a wadded up ball of paper at the back of Foggy’s head.

“Stop it,” Foggy says, “I’m trying to work.”

“No, you’re not,” Matt says, “You’re looking at social media.”   And Foggy doesn’t bother to wonder how he knows.

When they walk together, Foggy leads.  He warns of curbs and steps and various street hazards, and it doesn’t feel like an indispensable service, but it doesn’t feel like a lie either, and Matt’s hand is warm and comfortable on his arm.

A smile flits over Matt’s face, one of the quick, secret expressions Matt has been making as long as Foggy’s known him.  But then instead of moving on without explanation as he always does, Matt says, “There’s a family of raccoons sleeping in that alley.  They’re all piled up on top of one another, curled up in a cardboard box in the trash bin. The littlest one is snoring”

“I didn’t know raccoons snored,” Foggy says, delighted by this knowledge.

Once, on a dark night a lifetime ago, a man who was drunk had an argument with a man who had been half dead.  There was no judge, no evidence, no rule of law.  No one won the argument, because arguments between friends cannot be won.  The argument accomplished nothing, and no truth was reached.

The truth is this: Foggy is an idiot.

Wait, no, this isn’t about him.

The truth is this:  Matt Murdock is blind, and he has superpowers, and he fights crime; he is angry and he is kind, he is smart and sometimes he is very stupid.  These are all simultaneous but discrete facts about him, one cannot invalidate or eclipse another.

The truth is that Matt lied to Foggy, and that was awful, it hurt.  Matt lied, and he shouldn’t have, and they can’t go back and fix it.  They are standing on the graveyard of the bodies of their past selves.  Those corpses cannot be disinterred, cannot be resurrected as they were before.  Matt will never be the Matt that once existed in Foggy’s head, he never was that Matt to begin with, and he’s changed since, so has Foggy.

But the truth is that Foggy doesn’t know, can’t know, how much of what Matt does is a lie, he’s starting to think that Matt doesn’t either.  He’s starting to realize it doesn’t matter.  Definitions are only valuable in their usefulness, approximations can obscure as much as they reveal, assumptions make an ass, etc.

The truth, at the heart of everything else, is this:  Matt and Foggy are friends.  That has never been a lie.  They cannot disturb the grave dirt, cannot rebuild the foundations, but they can build from here.  Matt and Foggy are friends.  They can figure the rest out together.

[skyebounded]

I Knew You’d Say Yes

© Skyebounded, do not use my work, but you may share it.

Masterlist

premise You’re off to college, and you’re not going without doing something first. (THIS IS UNEDITED)

Pairing: JJ Maybank x Femvirgin!Reader

Warnings: Smut (Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Oral(F) etc) Swearing! (Unedited work)

Word Count: 3.2k

A/N: Hey Lovelies, this is a little something that I thought of the other day and I’m not sure why lol, it might be bad, it might be good 😬. It is UN-edited so there is that. Love you guys, enjoy!

It isn’t like you are waiting for anything, in particular, it’s just the moment never presented itself, nor were you ever in any rush, but here you are, eighteenth years old, getting ready for college, and totally freaking out over it.

It shouldn’t be a big deal, loads of people haven’t done it, it’s normal, but it is stressing you out to be one of those people.

Normally you wouldn’t care, but ever since you had that conversation with your older sister, you’ve been reconsidering everything. You can’t go to college being a virgin, everyone will know, or so you keep telling yourself.

You know it doesn’t actually matter, but talking with your sister has you convinced that somehow it does.

It has to be done, there is no denying it, you thought.

You take a deep breath, going over the list in your head that has only three names on it. John b is the first on the list, not because you favor him, but simply because having him as your first wouldn’t necessarily be bad. He would be understanding of the situation, and would probably say yes, or so you think.

You start thinking about the aftermath of what would happen if you chose him. It would probably result in an awkward friendship, maybe even one where eventually you couldn’t even look at each other.

You remember when he and Kie kissed, and how things got weird between the two of them for a while, and you don’t want that. You value him and his friendship, and even if you feel like he would be a good candidate for your first sexual encounter, you think it’s best that he stays on the back burner.

You mentally mark him off your list, moving to the next person, Pope.

“Pope’s not bad, right?” You ask yourself.

You and Pope have a good relationship with each other. It was the kind where he could come to you with any type of girl problems, and you were more than happy to assist.

However, knowing that you were the one who had to push Pope to ask Sydney to the spring formal, which he didn’t, makes you wonder if he would have a hard time agreeing to your request.

You also begin to worry that if you do choose Pope, feelings might get involved, and by feelings you mean his, plus you are pretty sure he has a crush on Kie as well, which knocks him off the list.

You sigh, knowing who’s next on the list, JJ. JJ would be your first pick for anything, including this very strange venture, but you had put him at the bottom of the list for a few reasons.

JJ is your best friend, and with that, you fear that if you ask him, and he says yes, that things could get weird between you two. He’s the one that you most definitely can’t lose, and you're not sure if you want to even take the risk.

You know that he would most likely say yes, with no hesitation, but then what. It would be good, so there was that, and If things went well, it could open up a whole new door for your friendship, you consider.

“Ugh!” you groan.

You fall flat against your bed, covering your face with your hands cringing at yourself for the thought alone, but you were just being honest.

Knowing that JJ has experience, whereas you have had none, makes you anxious to even consider asking him.

He would probably laugh at you, but not in a bad way, plus it’s not like he would make a big deal of it. You know he wouldn’t make you feel bad about it either, and you also know deep down that out of all three of them, it has to be JJ, but that doesn’t stop the fact that you can’t help the blush that creeps to your face as you consider it.

Ultimately, JJ was the one you would feel the most comfortable with, the one who wouldn’t take a lot of convincing, and the one who wouldn’t make you feel bad about it, not that the others would but still.

“It has to be JJ,” you mutter, biting your cheek as you watch the ceiling fan rotate.

You jump from your bed, telling yourself that it has to be done, it has to be him, repeatedly in your head as you slip into a casual but form-fitting dress.

You make a sour expression as your hand hovers over the series of underwear in your drawer, to finally pick up the matching lace thong to your bra. You groan, hating that you’re even doing this, but you finish getting ready, before grabbing your things and heading out.

You stare at the front door to the château from the safety of your car, contemplating if you should still go through with it.

“Come on, don’t be a pussy,” you take a deep breath and drag yourself out of your car, nothing but sheer will pushing you to the door.

You knock quickly before you have the time to protest, bringing your shaking hands to smooth out the fabric of your dress.

The door opens, and JJ stands there, his brow raised to you. Fuck! You watch as his eyes trail the length of your body shamelessly.

“Woah, you got a hot date or something?” He grins.

Yeah, you? You awkwardly laugh, suddenly becoming unsure of what to do with yourself.

JJ moves aside, ushering you to come inside. You step inside, quickly looking around before you look at him. You note his tousled blonde locks, and can’t help as your mind starts to wonder.

“Stop it,” you mumble to yourself.

JJ looks at you, confusion riddled on his face, “I wasn’t doing anything,” he says sheepishly.

You shake your head, “sorry, I was talking to myself.”

“Oh.”

You take a deep breath, exhaling slowly. JJ starts walking to his room, and you follow trying your best to spit out what it is you need to ask him.

“Hey, so I have a question, well I mean it’s more of a favor really, but um,” you begin to rant.

“Are you okay?“ he asks, cutting you off, his brows furrowing as he watches you shift uncomfortably.

“No, I mean yes, well,” you pause, collecting your thoughts. “Okay so listen. So there’s not really any good way to ask this, but will you have sex with me?”

You purse your lips, finding it hard to meet his gaze. He looks at you skeptically, trying to figure out if you’re being serious or not.

“Like right now, or are you asking if I would?” He asks.

“Right now.” you awkwardly blurt.

He chuckles slightly, “yeah,” he shrugs. “But tell me why first?“

You let out a sigh of relief, you had successfully made it past the first obstacle, asking him.

“Okay don’t laugh, but I’ve never done it,” you pause watching the amusement dance over his face, doing his best not to smile or laugh.

“I want to do it before I leave for college, and I figured you would say yes, so..”

He begins to laugh, and you glare at him, fiddling with your hands.

“I promise I’m not laughing, It’s just-it’s cute,” he smiles, moving closer to you.

As he approaches you, hands in the air in surrender and a cheeky grin on his face, you feel your nerves building.

“So, are you telling me that you got all dressed up for me?” He teases, his eyes drinking you in.

Your building nerves and the fact that he wasn’t taking you seriously, make you want to leave.

“Never mind,” you say as you turn to leave. JJ grabs your arm, spinning you around to face him, pulling you hard against him, your hand resting against his chest as if it was going to sturdy you. JJ’s eyes fall to your lips, his face only inches away from you. You swallow hard, wetting your lips as you stare at him, unsure of what to do.

“I’m sorry,” he says, his eyes coming back to meet yours.

You can see the sincerity in them, and it makes you feel better.

“It’s okay,” you mumble.

JJ looks as though he's contemplating something deeply, and it makes you wonder.

“Do you trust me?” he asks, carefully watching your expressions, you nod, biting at your bottom lip in anticipation.

“No, I want verbal confirmation.”

“Yes, I trust you.” You say.

JJ brings his lips to yours, kissing you softly, slowly, and yet somehow with a hunger to it. His arm snakes around your waist as he pulls you closer to him and you melt into his embrace.

JJ’s tongue traces your bottom lip, and you don’t hesitate to part your lips, letting his tongue explore your mouth.

You don’t fully want to admit it because you know it shouldn’t, but it feels unbelievably good to kiss him, so much so that you feel like it was normal. The worries and nerves that plagued you moments ago seem to wash away, as you lose yourself to the kiss.

JJ leans down, picking you up with ease, as he carries you to his bed.

He lays you down against the mattress, propositioning himself between your thighs, his hands resting on either side of you, caging you in as well as holding himself up.

He pulls away from you, and your brows knit together as he stares at you. Anxiety fills you as you take your bottom lip between your teeth.

“You sure about this?” he asks with a look of concern in his eyes.

JJ would never do something that you weren’t comfortable with, and knowing that settles your nerves. You know him, trust him, and you know that you’ve made the right choice in choosing him.

“Yes, I’m sure,” you say.

He smiles, lowering himself back down for his lips to meet yours. His hands find the hem of your dress, and he slides it up your body. He pulls away from you, and you sit up helping him to pull your dress.

JJ sits back, his eyes tracing your figure.

“Aww, did you wear this just for me?”

JJ loops his fingers under the band of your panties, lightly tugging on it. You feel yourself blush at the comment, giving him a playful shove. JJ laughs, the grin on his face growing.

“I’m just admiring the view,” he grins.

You swallow hard as JJ brings his hand to cup your breast, kneading it through the lace. His lips kiss along your jaw and down your neck, nipping and sucking on the soft skin. He trails kisses down your chest, over your bra, and down your stomach.

JJ brings his hand to your inner thigh, slowly letting the pads of his fingers trace your skin. Your breath hitches at the slightest contact, as they move further up your legs. Anticipation building within you, as his fingers reach your clothed cunt, lightly tracing you through the wet fabric.

You exhale a whimper, the ache between your legs growing when he puts the slightest amount of pressure on your clit.

JJ kisses along your waistband, his fingers looping around the band of your panties. His eyes meeting yours, a primal hunger behind them.

“Are you ready?” He whispers quietly.

Your heart racing, nodding your head slowly.

“I’m ready,” you smile softly.

JJ pulls your panties down your legs, discarding them on his floor, as he presses his lips into a thin line, taking in the sight of you.

“JJ, do something. Please,” you mumble.

JJ moves his fingers slowly up your inner thighs, his fingers coming to trace your folds, you hold your breath, as soon as you feel his fingers teasing your entrance.

With his eyes fixated on you, he slips a finger into you and you gasp at the foreign feeling. Desperation and hunger for more overcomes you as he slips another finger in, moving them around inside you, stretching you out. Giving you a moment to adjust, he slowly starts pumping his fingers. A sweet coiling sensation building inside you. JJ’s gaze on you intense, as he moves himself to hover over you once more, his fingers still working as his lips come to meet yours in a hard kiss.

Soft moans trickle out of your mouth as his tongue enters your mouth, and a cry leaves your lips as he hits that spot inside you, bringing his thumb to massage your clit.

He begins to press open mouth kisses along your warm skin, down your neck, across your collar and chest.

As he works his way down your body, he pulls his fingers out of you, chucking at the confused and disappointed look on your face.

“I want to taste you, pretty girl,” he smirks.

JJ looks at you waiting for an indication of what you want, and you can’t help but blush, giving him a quick nod before he nestles himself between your thighs. He hooks your legs over his shoulders, giving you a wicked grin before you feel his tongue graces your cunt, licking a slow stripe up the length of it. You almost shriek when his tongue flicks across your clit.

“Sweeter than I imagined,” He hums.

You are far too entranced to think too much on his words, but whatever they are, they are only aiding in your arousal. JJ’s tongue dips into your entrance, pulling moans to seep out of your mouth, your fingers fisting at his hair, pulling on it every time you feel a rush of ecstasy lap over you. Listening to the low groans coming from JJ with every pull is pushing you one step closer to the relief you’re yearning for. His lips envelop your clit, as he sucks on it, bringing his fingers to pump inside you, curling every few beats.

“Fuck, JJ,” you pant, throwing your head further into the mattress, your eyes fluttering shut. It doesn’t take long for your release to find you, pleasure pulsating through your body. You clench your eyes shut, savoring the feeling, your back arching and your grip tightening. With one final flick of his tongue, he pulls away from you, his fingers still pushing you through your orgasm.

“You look good like this.” He watches you intently, a smug smile on his face when he sees the subtlest blush bloom in your face.

as your body goes limp, JJ removes his fingers from you, allowing you to collect yourself. He slips out of his shirt and you can’t help but watch him, admiring his lean body. You pull your bottom lip between your teeth as he strips down to his boxers, his cock visibly erect.

“You ready?”

You sit up, your body only inches away from him, reaching around to unclasp your bra and throw it to the side. JJ’s eyes widen at the sight of your breasts, a smile growing on his lips as his eyes close, taking a heavy breath.

You lean up to him, threading your fingers through his hair as you pull him down to you.

“I want this,” you smile.

JJ’s lips find yours, his tongue tangling with your own, pushing you back against the mattress. One hand being used to prop himself up, while the other takes to roaming your body, his touching cool against your burning skin. His hand quickly finds your breast, kneading it, his index finger and thumb rolling your nipple.

The feeling alone makes your core throb with need. Your hands roam his body, stopping just above his boxers. Nerves start to bubble, but you push them away, allowing yourself to completely indulge in the moment. Your small hand reaches JJs cock, palm him through the fabric.

He bites your bottom lip, groaning at the contact. You can’t help but smile at his response, wanting more from him. You help him out of his boxers and the sight of him makes your breath hitch. You never expected to be in a situation when you would see him like this, but you were enjoying it, a little too much.

JJ’s mouth is back on you in seconds, placing sloppy kisses across your skin. He lines himself up with your entrance, watching you closely as he slowly pushes into you. Your breath hitches and your eyes clench shut at the foreign feeling. He stops, letting you adjust, before you nod for him to keep going.

JJ’s head rests against yours, kissing your face as a distraction from the discomfort.

“You’re doing so good.”

He gives you a moment to adjust to the entirety of him, placing a kiss on your nose.

“You okay?”

You nod, taking a breath.

“You can-you can move now,” you say.

JJ smiles at you. He presses his lips to yours in a softer kiss, as he slowly thrusts into you. Pleasure and pain both sink in. The slow rock of his hips wasn’t satisfying your need, it was almost taunting.

“Faster, JJ,” you mumble and he obliges.

He finds a steady rhythm, thrusting into you deeper, and faster. He hits your sweet spot, causing your walls to flutter around him, a low groan escaping him. You bring your hips to meet his thrusts, letting out a moan every time he hits just right.

The coiling sensation forming in your abdomen, like a knot, making you writhe under him begging for release.

“Does that feel good, pretty girl?” He teases.

Of course! You’re too lost in the feeling of it all to really respond, all you give him is a sting of whimpers and a nod. You feel yourself reaching the peak, needing only a little more stimulation to push you over the edge.

As if he can read your mind, JJ’s thumb comes to rub circles into your clit, drawing a whine from you. Your hips do their best to follow the movements. He leans down to kiss the skin of your breast, sucking on it.

“JJ I’m gonna-“ you start, and he picks up the pace, as he leans down to your ear.

“C’mon cupcake, cum for me,” he whispers, nipping you ear for good measure.

Your climax hits you, blinding you as waves of pleasure overcome you. You let out a cry, gripping onto his arm, your nails digging into him. JJ thrusts a few times more before he follows behind you, spilling into you as a string of curses tumble from his lips. You close your eyes relishing in the euphoric feeling of it all.

JJ pulls himself out of you, plopping down on the bed. You both struggle to steady your breaths, as you lay there. Without thought you roll over to him, allowing his arm to pull you into him, your hand coming to rest on his chest while your fingers tangle in the shark's tooth around his neck.

After a moment of silence he turns to look at you through lidded eyes.

“Thank you, JJ,” you mutter.

You suddenly find yourself trying to avoid his gaze, but you catch it. A soft grin on his lips as he looks you over.

“Anytime, cupcake. And just so we’re clear, I would do it again if you ever need it,” he winks.

#obx #obx imagine #jj maybank #jj #jj x reader #jj x you #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank fanfiction #Smut #obx smut #obx fanfiction #jj obx #jj obx fic #jj smut #jj maybank fic #jj maybank smut #obx 2 #fanfic #outer banks

[wonda-cat]

Misconceptions About Tommyinnit’s Character That Genuinely INFURIATE Me

Since the recent events following the second L’Manburg Festival and subsequent war, I’ve seen many, many hot takes surrounding the nature of Tommyinnit’s character on the SMP. Some of which annoyed me to the point where I felt compelled to sit down and actually write this. I’m going to only be highlighting the most common complaints or questions I’ve seen, one by one, in hopes of providing a better understanding of Tommy’s character for anyone interested. (I also briefly discuss Techno and Tubbo’s characters as well.)

If you’ve said similar things to what I’m going to be discussing below, please know that it’s perfectly understandable how you’d come to these conclusions. Some of these aspects of Tommy’s character are not always obvious; especially if being watched from another streamer’s POV. This may become quite lengthy, so bear with me for now.

“Tommy’s motives are all over the place. He can’t decide whether he wants the discs back or not.”

Tommy is actually one of the most motivationally consistent characters on the entire Dream SMP. Even Techno, someone completely confident in their ideals, does more motivational flipping than Tommy. From the very start of the story, Tommy has always cared for three things; L’Manburg, Tubbo, and his music discs. However, him caring for something is not itself a motivation. 

Surprisingly enough, his motivation isn’t even just, ‘Get my discs back,’ like many assume it is. Tommy’s one true motivation, since the end of the Independence War, has always been, ‘Keep things the way they are now.’ 

Tommy’s one fatal flaw is that he is resistant to change and refuses to let go of the past. This is seen through all of his actions and words; in all conflicts involving him. This flaw is the drive to all of Tommy’s mistakes. Burning down George’s house, an action which resulted in him getting exiled, was done out of a desire to pull pranks the way he used to before the first war. His friendship with Ranboo started because Tommy said he reminded him of Tubbo, back before he was President. 

Tommy still talks highly of Wilbur because he chooses to remember him as the wise, kind mentor who cared for him. This motive is the reason he defends L’Manburg so fiercely; it’s his memory of a better past. This is why he holds grudges more often than any other character; especially refusing to forgive Techno after he killed Tubbo during the Manburg Massacre.

It’s why Tommy falls under extreme distress whenever Tubbo or Quackity tell him that something will never be the same again. This motivation is entirely formed from an underlying desire for peace and comfort, something Tommy has been denied since being forced into a life wrought with war and death. To accept change, to Tommy, is painful and terrifying. But he will only ever truly be happy when he finally learns to let go.

“Why do the discs matter so much to Tommy? They’re not actually worth anything.”

Tommy’s discs are much more than just any ordinary pair of music discs. They were never important for their material worth, but for what Tommy was willing to sacrifice in order to keep them. Tommy is entirely what gives the discs their value. 

Tommy also commonly operates under the Sunk-Cost Fallacy, wherein he’s invested too much of himself into something to just abandon it, even if it’s causing him problems. This mentality is a huge piece of what keeps him tied to both L’Manburg and to his discs. He’s sacrificed too much at this point to simply let them go. If he admits the discs are worthless, then he’s admitting that he wasted all this time and effort, just to keep them.

The discs also act as a constant source of hope for Tommy because they are directly tied with his motivations as a character. They’re something he’s had since the very beginning. They’re something he used to listen to with Tubbo on their shared bench. 

To Tommy, they symbolize a life before war, filled with comfort and peace. They are a love letter to his country and his late mentor Wilbur. They are a physical representation of Tubbo’s companionship. They are the only thing, besides L’Manburg and his best friend, that gives him the hope that he can one day return things to the way they used to be. 

This ideal, paired with Tommy’s refusal to let go, has left him ruthlessly pursuing the things he’s lost. Not his music discs, but his peace and comfort, his friendship, his country, his mentor Wilbur, and his life before war.

In his desperation to hold onto his prized possession, it has only hurt and pushed away the people that love him. If Tommy continues to ignore this reality, while still refusing to resolve his major flaw entwined with it, he will lose all that the discs had once stood for. He will lose his country, then his friend Tubbo, and then he will lose himself.

“Tommy never grows or learns from his mistakes. This makes him a badly written character.”

Characters do not have to constantly learn from their actions to be well-written. Tommy is one of the best examples of this. The fact that his growth is infrequent is the entire point of his character; it’s completely stemmed from his fatal flaw. 

By addressing himself, he would be accepting change, something that terrifies him; something he stubbornly resists until he is absolutely forced to confront it. Contrary to popular belief, Tommy knows when he makes mistakes, but he pretends to be ignorant as to avoid facing reality. He digs his head in the sand despite knowing better, puppeteering the person he used to be during happier times, now gone.

In spite of his infrequent growth, the idea that Tommy still hasn’t learned anything isn’t quite correct either. Tommy, as of the last three plot streams, has shown incredible character development. By giving up his discs again, he had finally demonstrated that Tubbo is more important to him than his possessions. Speaking as a makeshift leader, he put aside his issues with others to rally them together against a common threat, something which Tommy had never been able to do before. He owned up to all of his mistakes openly, apologizing to everyone he’s ever hurt in one place. 

He apologized to Tubbo after they were reunited and came to terms with the fact that Tubbo was forced to exile him without choice, finally forgiving him. He was kind to Sapnap and learned how to be his friend after months of bitter rivalry. And these are only a few examples. This isn’t to say Tommy has overcome/fixed everything because he clearly hasn’t. There are still major things Tommy needs to work through that remain unaddressed, the biggest being his complicated relationship with Technoblade.

“Tommy only cares about himself. He does everything in his power to be the hero, always putting himself in the center of attention, especially during Doomsday.”

Tommy, since the start of the L’Manburg War for Independence, has never set out to be a hero. Not once. He may fall into the role of the protagonist, but his identity as a hero was pushed onto him by others. Giving up the discs was his only option during the Independence War. 

So when Wilbur called him a hero for it, Tommy said he didn’t feel like he was. During the November 16th War, Tommy again said he didn’t feel like a hero because he had lost what he thought was everything at the time. During exile, Tommy certainly knew he was no hero. And upon reuniting with Tubbo, he admitted to feeling like the farthest thing from it. That he’d hurt everyone and all he wanted to do now was fix it. 

The day before Doomsday, Tommy only took a leadership position because no one else was willing to, filling the role for Tubbo, who was crumbling under pressure. He had no choice but to try to bring everyone together, or fight alone. Most viewers never saw this during Doomsday, but before the battle, almost everyone who had vowed to fight alongside L’Manburg had abandoned them the very next day. They were convinced it was going to be destroyed either way, no matter what they did, so they chose not to see it through to the end; ultimately leaving Tommy and those who remained to fight a losing battle, alone. 

After about a third of the way through the battle, it became clear to everyone that they could do nothing to win. One by one, everyone stopped fighting and stood by to watch their country go up in smoke. Tommy was the only person on the battlefield who refused to stand down and give up. And so he took over the role as leader again, trying his best to keep them alive, to keep Tubbo hopeful; to keep fighting, no matter what. 

However, what most people don’t realize, is that this isn’t Tommy trying to be a hero or force himself into the spotlight. This is Tommy trying to convince himself to keep going. Because whenever things start to look hopeless, Tommy simply chooses to ignore them. He puts on a happy face and soldiers through it because that’s all he knows how to do. Tommy, at his core, is someone who wants peace through stagnation. He doesn’t want to fight, although causing the occasional friendly conflict is how he finds fun. He doesn’t set out to purposely hurt others. 

Tommy may come across as self-centered, but this is because he is an extremely extroverted character. He finds energy and joy in the attention of others, both good and bad. It’s why he’s always seeking the approval of others and, oftentimes, will destructively insert himself into another person’s life in order to find it. 

Out of every character in the story, Tommy is the most drawn to praise and positive reinforcement. He is constantly seeking out mentors and friends because Tommy needs someone else to help him feel confident in his own identity and abilities. It’s why Wilbur was such a positive influence on him. His boisterous confidence has always been a front because if anyone were to actually hurt him, he knows it will make his self-esteem crumble instantly. 

This is part of why Dream’s manipulation was so effective against him. By isolating him, he’s left without energy and looking to another person’s guidance. Tommy outwardly may seem independent and rude, but just under the skin, he’s unconfident and lost when he’s by himself. Tommy will only grow from this flaw when he finds his own identity and inner confidence; when he finally learns to be okay with being alone.

“Tommy goes to the festival solely to get his disc back and then tells Tubbo to give it away immediately after. That doesn’t make any sense.”

Before the screaming match between the two friends during the second L’Manburg Festival, Tommy had been in exile, manipulated by Dream for long enough to lose his will to carry on. It is because of him that Tommy’s reality becomes distorted, long after fleeing from his abuser. This mangling of ideals leads Tommy to subconsciously believe that L’Manburg and Tubbo are unsalvageable. 

Therefore, the only thing he has hopes of retrieving are his discs, which are easier to manage than the latter two things. And so Tommy does reprehensible things at the behest of Techno in a vain hope of getting them back, going so far as to kidnap and torture for them. This ultimately culminates in a confrontation between the ex-friends, quickly turning violent. It is in this violence that we see Tommy has sunk to his absolute lowest point in his journey. 

Swinging his axe, he nearly kills his friend as he delivers a string of words that cause the room to silence instantly. He says the discs were always worth more than his friend. Within the quiet of the room, Tommy is forced to reflect on everything he’s done. How he kidnapped and tortured Connor. How he accidentally drowned Fundy. How he traumatized Ranboo. 

And now he’s hurt Tubbo, the one person he has always sought to protect; someone he vowed to never hurt. This realization causes Tommy to break. He’s so ashamed of himself that he can’t look at anyone. Tommy knows now that he is worse than anyone he’s ever hated. 

With pain in his voice, he tries and fails to apologize to Tubbo in the moment. The only way he knows to redeem himself now is to prove to Tubbo, after everything, that he can still put the discs aside. And so he does.

“The fact that Tommy is still trying to get his discs back after L’Manburg was destroyed is unreasonable and ridiculous.”

Tommy deals with grief in an interesting way, doing something very similar to Techno. His grief almost instantly becomes anger and a drive to prove himself. It morphs into a need for vengeance in response to injustice, always. 

After the destruction of L’Manburg, Tommy saying he wants the discs back is a double-sided motivator. The obvious side being: Tommy still needs them to feel comfort. The subtle side beneath it: Tommy is using them as an excuse to find Dream and kill him. To make him pay for helping destroy their home, hurting his friends, and abusing him in exile. 

Upon the loss of his home, I’d also argue the discs have only grown more important to Tommy in the aftermath. Typically, in grief, people hold onto things that survive devastation far more than if the tragic event never occurred. If your eldest child dies, one may hold their surviving children tighter. If your house burns down, one may deeply treasure a box of items that survived the flames. Tommy’s desperation after losing so much is entirely understandable.

On top of this, the discs are still the core to Tommy’s fatal flaw. They are what keeps him from achieving total happiness, so him getting over this intrinsic part of himself so easily would make for an unsatisfying character arc. He still has to work for his happiness in order to change for the better. 

To add, I’ve seen a lot of people complaining that Tommy is still prioritizing the discs over Tubbo, especially in that moment. And while I mostly agree, there are some interactions that stand out to me as being different between the pair that may imply otherwise. Tommy says a few times that despite L’Manburg being destroyed, he still has something left to lose; each time, turning to look at Tubbo. 

This subtly implies that losing Tubbo would be as devastating as losing his home. Tubbo also never voices disagreement over Tommy’s continued pursuit of the item. However, Tubbo frequently does what he thinks will make others happy, so this doesn’t implicitly mean support for Tommy either. Besides these two things, this is still Tommy’s fatal flaw shining through, continuing to hurt others around him. 

I only hope Tubbo can learn to stand up for himself and voice his real thoughts to Tommy now, after everything. It would provide at least some desperately-needed closure for Tubbo’s character.

“How could Tommy betray Techno like that? Techno told him upfront what he was going to do.”

While it’s true that Techno was obvious about his plans, Tommy was also just as upfront with Techno about what he thought of it. In fact, maybe even more so, considering Techno attempted to hide them from Tommy for a good portion of their partnership. Whenever Techno brought up the idea of destroying L’Manburg or hurting Tubbo, Tommy would always remind Techno that he didn’t want to hurt anyone. And that if Techno ever did, Tommy would be there to stand in his way. He never once stopped saying this. 

Tommy’s two major positive character traits have always been his undying loyalty and his strength to never give up, even in the face of death. Two classically heroic qualities, both of which, ironically, reinforce his fatal flaw. His refusal to change makes him stubborn; stubbornness being the only quality that makes unwavering loyalty and extreme persistence feasible. 

Because of these two traits, it was impossible from the start for Dream to completely break Tommy’s spirit and for Techno to get him to agree to anything too extreme. Despite this, Techno already had no hope of keeping Tommy on his side after the events of the day before the Festival. During it, Tommy had asked multiple times for Techno to give his word not to hurt anyone. That they’d only threaten to spawn a wither, get Techno’s remaining weapons in exchange, then leave. That’s it.

Techno avoided directly promising Tommy but still agreed not to regardless. So when Techno chose to spawn the wither anyway, despite Tommy urging them to leave multiple times, whatever trust Tommy had with him went completely out the window. Thus, when the threat was finally real, that Techno would make due on his promise to burn his home country to the ground and slaughter his friends, Tommy intervened. It would be unreasonable to expect Tommy not to stand against him in that moment, especially after his mental breakdown which ensued as a result of him nearly killing his best friend. 

Adding salt to the wound on Tommy’s end, Techno decided to also align himself with Dream, someone Techno knew Tommy was afraid of. This might have been a way to purposely hurt Tommy. More likely, it was because Dream and him shared a common goal in the moment and Techno desperately needed allies.

However, the implication of Techno siding with Tommy’s abuser most certainly hurt him, regardless of its original intentions. This is possibly why Tommy kept insisting through Doomsday that Techno betrayed him, avoiding actually telling anyone the reason as to why. If he couldn’t find the words to describe what Dream did to him, even to Tubbo, he certainly wouldn’t be able to tell Techno either.

“Techno gave Tommy everything, only to be repaid with betrayal.”

This statement regarding Tommy is the one I see most often. (It is also the one I get the most heated about.)

Dream’s character is well known for his manipulation tactics against other characters; pitting them against each other, crushing them under his heel, bending their will to conform to his own. It’s what makes him an interesting villain. It’s something fun to discuss. 

But is it still fun to discuss manipulation tactics if they’re so subtle, almost no one notices them? This is the paradigm Technoblade’s character falls into. While people know Techno for his laid-back personality, dry humor, and complex motivations, many fail to recognize him as a manipulator. The reason why this is so hard to spot is because it is mostly unintentional on behalf of the character. Dream performs his craft with intention, Techno does it without realizing. 

As well as this being unwitting, it is sandwiched between Techno’s actual attempts to connect with Tommy and care for him. Thus, making the manipulation feel less damaging. The only problem is, this still hurts Tommy just as much, regardless of the intentions behind it. Especially after just escaping Dream, Tommy’s reality and sense of identity are horribly distorted. In this vulnerable state, he desperately needs healing and someone to help ground him. This is what makes him even more susceptible to Techno’s influence. 

And because it is much subtler, it is harder to notice, and much harder to break free from. Despite Tommy claiming to hate Techno for what he did on November 16th, he still chose to flee to his house because it was the only place he could think of going, as well as being the safest area possible. After the failed execution, Techno mentioned potentially hurting Tubbo through a vengeance plot. Tommy voiced extreme distress over this, to which Techno threatened to kick him out of his house. 

Tommy then says he’s fine being homeless because he doesn’t want anything to do with someone who would hurt his friend. This is when Techno decides to weaponize Tommy’s own trauma against him. To be fair to Techno again, Tommy never told him the extent of the abuse he suffered in exile. But Techno isn’t stupid. He knows Tommy is extremely afraid of Dream, and for good reason. 

So he tells Tommy that if he were kicked out, he’d be defenseless. That if he were out there all alone, Dream would find him very easily. That Dream would drag him right back to Logstedshire in an instant. He notices the way Tommy reacts to this, how quickly he changes his mind about being kicked out. He continues to use this trauma repeatedly in order to keep Tommy under his roof, no matter how disagreeable he gets about Techno’s plans. He knows he can’t retrieve his weapons alone because he has no leverage. 

Therefore, using Tommy like a wild card was a major side strategy. Techno knows it will hurt Tubbo by doing this and may make the President more willing to compromise. In addition to this, many of the strategies Techno utilizes are Narcissistic manipulation tactics, categorized by their intent to keep the victim in a position below the abuser in terms of worth. This includes Techno using the silent treatment as a punishment, something which hurts Tommy since he craves affection from others. 

He also attempts to isolate Tommy by telling him he doesn’t need anyone else; that everyone abandoned him during exile (something which Dream has also said.) He tells Tommy that he’s only alive because Techno is there to defend him and supply for him, as well as constantly reminding Tommy to not let any compliments he receives get to his head. These are both meant to make Tommy depend more on Techno and doubt his own abilities. Techno also occasionally engages in subtle gaslighting, attempting to sow doubt in Tommy’s mind about his relationships with Tubbo, Quackity, Ranboo, and Fundy. 

It’s also vital to keep in mind what exactly separates Dream and Techno in this regard. The most important thing being that Techno actually does care about Tommy. He trusts him and wants to earnestly help him. He knows Tommy has been traumatized and abused in some way, but he doesn’t know how to help because he’s not that great with people. It also doesn’t help that Tommy is unable to tell anyone what happened. 

In the end, Techno really does want to be a shield for Tommy. Despite debating handing Tommy over to Dream, it’s more likely Techno was using this as bait for Dream to waste his favor on something useless. After all, he could always save Tommy, should he ask for him to. Techno’s warnings about Tubbo and L’Manburg also come from a place of love, as Techno was personally hurt by them and wants to protect Tommy by telling him to leave it behind. However, just because something is done out of love, doesn’t mean it’s automatically helpful or good for someone. 

There’s no better example of this than in Techno’s most damaging and frequently used tactic: ‘Buy Their Love,’ a technique commonly used on children by narcissistic parents. At first glance, nothing seems wrong. Techno gives Tommy most things he asks for; providing him with food, gifts, protection, and a place to sleep. The manipulation within this arises when the act of kindness is counted as a debt against the person who receives it. That by receiving so many good things, they would be ungrateful to go against their abuser. Doesn’t matter if they emotionally or physically hurt you, they gave you gifts, so you should shut your mouth and allow the abuse to continue. 

Whenever Tommy speaks out against Techno’s violent actions or his plans to hurt his friends, Techno would frequently bring up all his ‘good deeds.’ He consistently reminds Tommy that he could’ve just thrown him back to Dream, but he was too kind. That he went out of his way to give him gear, food, and a roof over his head. That he was kind so Tommy should be quiet and let Techno plot to hurt the people he loves. Or else he’s selfish and ungrateful. Or else Techno will take all of his gifts back and leave him with nothing.

Knowing this, it is horrifying seeing people justifying this behavior by mocking Tommy’s character and calling him ungrateful using this very same fallacy. (Especially for those who grew up being controlled by this very tactic.) 

It is through knowing Techno’s use of the ‘Buy Their Love,’ method that makes Tommy’s, ‘I am worthy,’ response, not one of betrayal, but one of triumph. This moment is a major positive character change for Tommy for many reasons. When Tommy decides to stand against Techno, this causes him to fall back on his most reliable tactic. He insults Tommy and then asks for the Axe of Peace back. Instead of caving, Tommy refuses. 

By keeping the Axe of Peace, Techno’s final gift to him, he is not only rejecting the destruction of all he loves, but he is breaking free from Techno’s manipulation. He says, ‘I am worthy,’ because now he knows his own self-worth. He doesn’t need Techno or Dream to decide it for him. This moment is Tommy finally breaking free from not just Techno, but Dream as well. He is finally free.

“Tommy was only using Techno and never thought of him as a friend.”

Tommy and Techno’s relationship is complicated, which is why pretending only one side was in the wrong isn’t entirely accurate. Their friendship, in summary, is tragic when fully examined; being doomed from the start. Techno and Tommy are brought into conflict often because they are simultaneously so similar and so different. Techno and Tommy both deal with grief in the same way. They both long for a life of peace and comfort. They each long for companionship, hold their ideals in kind, and are both naturally resilient in the face of adversity. 

Yet, their personalities and courses of action are polar opposites. What makes this friendship one of tragedy is the fact that not just Techno, not just Tommy, but both of them, actually thought the other was their friend. They had each wanted to be the other’s friend since the day they’d met. Tommy never stopped wanting to impress Techno and get on his good side, even if his methods annoyed the target of his affections. Him calling Techno ‘The Blade’ was never meant to dehumanize him; it was a title of adoration. 

Along the same spectrum, Techno is a character who generally longs for friendship, but pretends not to after a lifetime of hurt. He’s been burned too many times, and so he chooses to stay alone. Techno is generally very reclusive and awkward around others, so when he likes someone or cares for them, it’s noticeable from a mile away. Their friendship has a very brotherly dynamic, and the fact that Techno allowed him to stay in his house, implies Tommy is a step above pretty much everyone else but Phil. Putting up with Tommy’s shenanigans is itself a sign of affection. 

However, when their goals come into conflict and the two start to drift apart, they deal with this in massively different ways. With Tommy devastated and enraged, and with Techno withdrawn and hurt, once more burned by someone he slowly learned to trust. They were once both friends, neither one was pretending. Yet, both of them thought their companionship was unreciprocated. 

On top of this, both Techno and Tommy were using each other. Techno used Tommy to get his weapons back by manipulating and lying to him. Tommy used Techno to protect him from Dream and get his discs back. They each hurt the other and refused to listen, both shouting valid complaints at the other that they refused to hear. 

Their relationship is also deeply affected by the themes of vengeance in the current arc, which is something I haven’t seen many people talk about. Most of the current conflicts this past month have resulted from characters being unable to forgive, resorting to revenge as a way to cope with loss. L’Manburg was the first to initiate this, through the influence of Quackity. The Butcher Army was formed to punish Techno for a war crime he committed. And while this is perfectly reasonable, what isn’t is the way the incident was orchestrated. It was an unchecked abuse of power to execute someone without a fair trial, as well as punishing Phil, who was not involved whatsoever. 

This was also particularly unfair to Techno, as many projected their anger at Wilbur onto him. Even Tommy did this, finding himself unable to blame his late mentor, so Techno was the next best option for him. However, it was Techno’s response to this that was interesting. He chose a path of vengeance, the same way L’Manburg did, after vowing to live his life as a pacifist. By doing this and following through, he hurt everyone, not just the people he claimed needed to pay for their actions. 

Instead of just picking the weed in the garden, he set the entire flower bed on fire. Through L’Manburg’s destruction, he gets what he wants. He destroys their government, but he also scars the earth and shatters the sky. He leaves uninvolved people homeless, deeply hurting Ranboo, Eret, and especially Ghostbur. Philza turns to vengeance as well, taking his anger at the death of his son out on people who do not deserve it. 

Tubbo, a day before the second Festival, was given another chance to seek revenge when Techno had spawned a wither on their land. Instead, all Tubbo could say was, ‘We do nothing … It’s pointless, vengeance. It’s poisonous.’ By doing this, he has managed to be a bigger person than even Techno was, with the strength and maturity to turn the other cheek. And now with Tommy’s plan to kill Dream, the conflict continues to escalate; only ending where forgiveness begins. 

It’s sad to think, if Techno didn’t choose a path of vengeance and Tommy was strong enough to tell Techno how he really felt, the two might have remained friends. Who knows? Maybe they still can.

“Tommy was the one in the wrong. Techno was right to destroy L’Manburg.”

Techno is a lovely character. He’s well-written, engaging, funny. He has many values and quirks that are generally relatable and interesting. His motives are deeply understandable and sympathetic. And yet, he is perfectly capable of being evil, in just the same way that Tommy can be deeply flawed despite being the protagonist. 

I’m sure most people already know that Technoblade is a villain. Or more accurately, a tragic antagonist. Techno (the streamer) knows he is and he’s having fun playing that part. Just because a character is morally in the wrong doesn’t mean their values and ideology don’t have merit. The best character I could compare Techno to is Thanos. 

They have completely valid concerns and points, but it is the way in which they go about achieving their goals that makes them into evil people. And despite this, many will still agree with them, even after they do something reprehensible. Contrary to popular belief, Technoblade’s tendency towards violence isn’t a good thing, no matter how you look at it. Even Techno himself knows this, that’s why he decided to reform and become a pacifist with Phil. He was not a good influence on Tommy, on top of also manipulating him. 

Techno caving to hatred and vengeance makes him no different to the resolve of the Butcher Army that pursued him. It is precisely the fact that he went on to destroy the home of not just Tommy, but also Ranboo and Ghostbur, that puts him in the wrong. He is allowed to despise all government and remove himself from it, but the moment he decided to insert himself into someone else’s country and take their home from them in order to destroy it, he abandoned an integral principle to his own values. 

This principle being: ‘Choice.’ The act of letting others be free to decide what they want for themselves. It is a huge component to the concept of anarchy, the freedom to choose. And yet Techno robbed this from, not just the ruling powers that hurt him, but individuals who were not even involved in the first place. He justifies this by saying it’s for their own good, that he’s helping; while acting in a self-serving manner. 

In his anger, he became the punisher, stooping lower than L’Manburg has ever gone. There is also the issue of Dream weaponizing Techno to destroy the one thing that has been a thorn in his side since the very start, manipulating Techno’s grief to achieve his goals. Tommy’s biggest sin in the Doomsday War was standing up to Techno and getting in the way of him hurting his friends and destroying his home. 

This isn’t to say Tommy is perfect, because he still hurt everyone he ever loved. But the only way he knew to redeem himself was to fight for what he knew was right. And so he chose to fight alongside his best friend, Tubbo. However, just because Techno is in the wrong doesn’t mean others are wrong for wanting to side with him, or by finding joy in his ruthlessness. The biggest appeal of Techno is the fact that he opposes people like Tommy. 

He knows how to put people in their place and it’s satisfying to watch. Some people love rooting for villains and it’s entertaining to see a being with so much power crush everyone else down so effortlessly. Especially because it’s so easy to sympathize with Technoblade. Sympathetic villains are the best kind; where they have understandable motivations, relatable flaws, people they love, and something they can lose. Dream is a villain you love to hate. Technoblade is a villain you hate to love. Simple as. 

Despite the destruction of L’Manburg being either devastating or fantastic depending on who you are, there is one major good it has done. It has pushed Tommy more towards the completion of his character arc. By losing one of the three things he loves, it will be impossible for him to pretend any longer. He will be forced to confront reality very soon. It all depends on whether Tubbo will have to die first for him to finally see it.

#dream smp #character analysis #tommy innit #tommyinnit #mcyt #tubbo #technoblade #techno apologist #tommy apologist #long post #dream smp meta #dsmp tommy #dsmp tubbo #dsmp techno #tubbo dream smp #tommyinnit dream smp #technoblade dream smp #dream smp roleplay #tw gaslighting #tw manipulation #tw emotional manipulation #dreamwastaken #dsmp dream #philza #philza minecraft #dsmp philza #dream team

[oddishblossom]

Ash Lynx for the ask game, please....

AH! You’ve done it. You went and asked about my favorite fictional character of all time. When I saw this in my inbox I was telling myself “keep it short, keep it short” and then my list became an essay. Sorry in advance for this, people who follow me 😅

Favorite thing about them: His big heart. The narrative starts off with presenting him as a cold hearted killer, a reckless gangster with a gun that never misses its target. And yet, bit by bit, we see behind that confident demeanor is a very broken guy. After learning about the trauma in Ash’s story, I thought he’d remain shriveled up, closed off, heart torn into a million unrecoverable shards. Like a dying rose relying on its thorns to protect itself, I thought he’d be unable to open himself to others ever again. And yet. He is so, so caring. To kids, to his friends, to his brother. He seeks out the few people that he loves and he tries his hardest to confide in them, to gently pour out his worries. He may call himself an unfeeling monster, but that simply isn’t true. He’d put himself in the line of fire if it would ensure the safety of his loved ones. He’ll walk through his own personal hell in his quest to take down a monster and ensure that no one will ever have to go through what he or his brother went through. If that doesn’t say “big heart” to me, I don’t know what does.

Least favorite thing about them: This one’s hard. Like I could say that it frustrates me that he lets himself be influenced by people like Jim or Blanca. I could say that it makes me mad that he can’t let go of the reckless train wreck of a path he’s set on. I could say I don’t understand why he can’t “choose a better life and just let go.” But, can I really, truly fault him for being that way? He places too much faith and value in the words of disgusting men like Jim Callenreese or that Blanca guy, because in a world that is relentless in its cruelty to him, the lesser evil can be mistaken for kindness. He’s dead set on the path he has taken because he believes the ends justify the means and his plan to take down the men that ruined both his life and the lives of countless others is more important than his own life. He can’t “choose a better life” because how can he? How can he do what he’s never known? He’s only just now, at 17 years old, learning how it feels to be loved and he believes it is too good to be true. How on earth does he learn to let go when it’s his unyielding grip that has kept him alive all these years?

Favorite line: There’s too many memorable quotes. But the one that will forever stay in my heart is what he says to Blanca while he lies down on the floor of a factory.

BROTP: Eiji is his best friend! They are bros they are besties they are soulmates. I’m saying asheiji for both my brotp and my otp :)

OTP: Ash & Eiji! Not only are they my favorite ship in this show, but they’re my favorite ship PERIOD. I’ve had many ships come and go, but they’ll always be #1. They start out as opposites attracting, immediately curious about each other, to partners in crime, and slowly their bond simmers into a deep friendship. It’s the way they can be all excitement: intense confessions, adrenaline rushing, running away together, and then so calm: a quiet hug, eating meals together, whispering secrets in the middle of the night. They clearly just love being around each other. They tease, they bicker, they know when to be gentle. Even when they fight, there’s this regret in their eyes and they always find a way to makeup. They both push themselves to be better for each other in a “I want to be the kind of person who can protect him” kind of way. And I could go on for days about how Ash recoils from physical touch, but literally melts when it’s Eiji who’s holding him. They are a soft back-and-forth of questions. “Is this okay? Is this really okay” “Will you stay with me?” “Can I stay with you?” “Will you go with me?” “Can I go with you?” I just… They’re wonderful okay 🥺❤️

NOTP: Anyone who is not Eiji Okumura.

Random Headcanon: He calls Eiji by nicknames literally all the time. Most of them are bird related, some of them are very dumb. They both adopt a golden retriever named Buddy. Ash pretends to bicker with the dog for stealing all of Eiji’s attention. Whenever the city air is too stifling, they go to the beach. Ash always forgets to use sunscreen and Eiji wastes no time to tease him for it, “his little lobster of a husband.”

Unpopular Opinion: I never know what to say here. I have a lot of unpopular opinions about the story and writing itself, but the character? I like Ash, flaws and all. There are maybe some choices he made that I think were wrong. One of the big ones that comes to mind is when he revealed to everyone how a certain friend died. I know what was going through his mind when he chose to hide the whole truth. I know he blames himself. He pulled the trigger, he pulled his friend into his problems, the guilt is eating him alive and he feels he must suffer consequences. But other people forced him into the horrific position of choosing whether he wanted to lose one friend or two. Saying “I killed him,” even if he feels that it is true, was not the way to go 💔

Song I associate with them: Oh, I could make a playlist here. Death Bed (Coffee for your head) by Powfu, Blink-182, beabadoobee. Whataya Want From Me by Adam Lambert. All I Ask by Adele. Hurt by Johnny Cash (OKAY I’LL STOP)

Favorite picture of them: What do you mean favorite? There’s too many good ones I can’t choose a favorite ❤️

Character Ask Game

#thanks for the ask <3 #i made myself emotional writing this i’m going to AO3 🥺 #lucy answers #asks #banana fish #banana fish spoilers #ash lynx #aslan jade callenreese #asheiji

[inhonoredglory]

another character based question - how do you feel about mikasa? a lot of fans dont like her, im curious about how you feel! - armin anon

Hellooooo Armin Anon. OMG it’s been forever since I had the time to sit down and do a proper meta, and I apologize.

First off, I finished the manga!!! (So, spoilers ahead for anyone else reading this.) I had to lie down after reading 139. It’s a tremendous story and I’m still taking it all in. The set pieces and personal/emotional stakes of everything that happens is just astounding. If it’s one thing Isayama does good, it’s the gut-wrenching personal anguish that underlies the action. I’m absolutely floored. My favorite bit was probably the timey-wimey stuff in Paths and Eren. That blew my freaking mind. But onto Mikasa!!

A Cruel Yet Beautiful World

I remember way back when I started the anime that I started liking Mikasa first out of the group. I liked how sullenly silent and no-nonsense she was, and I liked her loyalty to Eren. Her emotion, especially when Eren died in Trost, was palpable and terrifyingly beautiful. Her grief was incredibly realistic––rushing off with a death wish that even she couldn’t succumb to in the end, because of the drive to fight that she got from Eren. In a world like SNK, her relentlessness breaking through her grief was incredibly moving. And her philosophy is basically the driving theme of SNK: “This is a cruel world, and yet so beautiful.”

This is the same moral message she gives Eren when he can’t find the strength in him to fight Annie––and gives him that warm, understanding, inscrutable smile that allows him to finally accept his own monsters, fight Annie, and save her and Armin. (One of my favorite panels of her from the manga, actually.) Mikasa is basically the first character we meet who embodies this contradictory morality, which grows to engulf SNK and other characters as well (Levi, Reiner, and Armin especially come to mind). Which could be why I was drawn to her at the start, since the complex moral outlook of SNK was the primary reason I fell hard for this story.

(And gosh, it’s tragic to realize that it’s teaching moments like the scene above that made Eren into the person who could influence his own child self to murder, the person who could wipe out so much of humanity, the person who could take Ymir’s challenge to free her by destroying the love of the person who cared the most about him. I’m still processing yo.)

Acker-parallels

I started really analyzing Mikasa when I had to defend her from a friend of mine who accused her of resenting Levi (for beating up Eren) and that’s why she attacked him so violently in the RTS serumbowl. Because of my research into rebutting that, a lot of my affection for Mikasa now comes in seeing the little ways in which she cares and trusts other people, including Armin, Levi, Gabi, and Jean. And her quiet sensibility that goes beyond her love and protectiveness of Eren.

With Levi in particular, I find a lot I like about her. Because you can definitely see her annoyance at him, but she also trusts him more than anyone else in the Corps outside of Armin. After Levi’s violent encounter with Historia, she was the only one who implicitly trusted Levi’s judgement, backing up Armin’s more reasoned logic. She sees beyond her own emotions and even moral feelings and realizes the world is cruel enough that sometimes people have to do dark things to help others and survive.

This is very much the same statement Levi made to the 104th when he had asked them to follow Erwin’s orders when the commander’s plans were questionable on the surface: “Do you trust him? Those dumb enough to say yes… come with me.” These two understand each other on a moral level, and they ask for their comrades’ loyalty without demanding it, because they each know that everyone’s conscience is their own.

There’s a clear parallel between Mikasa and Levi, not only because of their Ackerman heritage and sensibilities (loyal to a fault to their chosen person, impossibly strong, quiet and grim), but their frustration when they cannot protect the people they are responsible for. They both know they are the strongest around, and if they cannot fulfill on that power, a lot of people will die.

There are many moments in which Mikasa puts aside her personal feelings to do her soldierly duty, from leaving Eren to help with the evacuation of Trost to leaving Eren and Armin to fight the Colossal Titan alone in Shigonshina.

And then there’s the fact that Levi’s the one who could break past Mikasa’s headspace and distraction so that she can do the right thing. He understands her strong emotion, he respects it, but he also knows when that has to be put aside for the greater good. But he doesn’t put her down for having those emotions, either.

Strength from Eren, Humanity from Armin

Mikasa’s love and loyalty to Eren challenges her tremendously after the timeskip and her sorrow at Eren’s change is what really stands out to me about her character in the Marley arc. The absolute grief in her eyes when she tells Eren what he’s done is devastating, and it shows just how much goodness and compassion she does have.

And yet she longs to understand Eren, to trust him, to believe there can be something redeeming, and not merely jaded and tired, in what he taught her so many years ago––to fight, to win, to live.

There’s such a difference between these same words said here by Mikasa, so many years later, after so much heartbreak, to the anger and flame that were in them when she first heard them, back when she realized that this was the way of the world. That death and killing happens in the natural world everyday and that’s how you survive. That the world is both cruel and beautiful.

And yet as the years wore on, as Mikasa grew closer to others, found purpose in protecting others, sought a life with Eren… as she wandered further into the forest of life and society and relationships, she lost some of that simple injunction... to live is to fight, to fight is to win. She, like so many of the 104th and the others on this journey, found that it’s not enough to just fight and live and be satisfied. We really want it all to mean something, to have our actions be redemptive. To allow ourselves to believe that we do what we’re doing because we’re not just saving ourselves, but saving others, “saving the world” like Yelena points out (in the forest therapy session pfff). And it’s that drive for something bigger in our actions that grieves her so much with Eren, because as she wants her own actions to be fundamentally good and selfless, she wants his actions to be moral as well.

So while Eren is the person that frustrates Mikasa and motivates her to become stronger and braver than she ever was, Armin is the person who humanizes Mikasa and allows her the space to be gentle and vulnerable. She comforts Armin, confides in him, puts her faith in him, and puts her life in his hands.

She trusts Armin with Eren, and she values Armin’s intellect and compassion, qualities she doesn’t have in nearly as much quantities as he does: “There are only so many lives I can value. And… I decided who those people were six years ago. So... you shouldn’t try to ask for my pity. Because right now, I don’t have time to spare or room in my heart.”

This bit from her confrontation with Ymir and Historia was a defining moment for me with Mikasa. It’s honest and realistic in a way that few of us care to admit about ourselves, and it’s just super chilling and badass coming from her, too. It also shows how much she fights for Armin and Eren both. They are the two people she loves the most in the world, and she never gave up on saving either of them––from death or from themselves.

I’m looking back on Trost now and finding so much irony with the ending to SNK. In Trost, she was the one to give up on Eren, telling Armin that it was hopeless to try to extract Eren’s personality from his Titan form. And yet, like in the end, it’s always been between Armin and Mikasa to try to salvage Eren’s humanity. In Trost, Armin tells Mikasa to leave––to go do what she’s good at (saving lives)––and to entrust Eren to him.

It’s a huge expression of both Mikasa’s trust in Armin, and her belief in Armin’s abilities and friendship for Eren. And in the end, it’s the two of them again debating on if there’s any humanity left in Eren. The bond they share is intimate and deep. With all the military doubting Eren and scheming to take away his Titan (with even Jean and Connie unavailable to them emotionally), it’s only Armin and Mikasa against the world––the only two people who can truly consider Eren’s actions and hold off on judging him. And you can feel their love for him even as they doubt him.

And like back then, it has always been Armin who understands Eren most, the one who recognizes his own evil and Eren’s and finds a redemption in having others stop you, because you cannot stop yourself.

And that’s the thing I really take away from SNK and from Mikasa’s journey, that we all have devils inside us, and yet there is still beauty to be found, within us and in the world––from the natural wonders that Armin dreams of, to the comfort of purpose and companionship that Mikasa has in Eren. Love and wonder is what redeems us of our devils. And yet love itself is complicated, and can turn ugly in its obsession. That giving up that love is what makes the love selfless and beautiful, what absolves us of the selfishness within us. That’s what Mikasa learned. And in the end, she was able to release that love for the good of the world.

So I guess to sum up, I really love Mikasa. I can see why her dogged loyalty to Eren might annoy some fans, but I think there’s a lot more to her than simply that, and in fact, her journey and growth is heart-rending and one of the most symbolic arcs of SNK and fundamental to its entire theme. She’s a badass with a lot of emotion and depth behind her cold mask.

#eremika #mikasa ackerman #eren yeager #armin arlert #levi ackerman #aot meta #snk meta #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #snk #aot #attack on titan meta #attack on titan analysis #snk analysis #mikasa ackerman analysis #mikasa ackerman meta #shigonshina trio #ask #armin anon #*mymeta #*mythoughts #*mine #long post