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candythepuppy · 1 year

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Insanely basic steps for writing Autistic characters:

(I have Autism, so this one rings close to home.)

1. I would recommend looking up the traits of Autism, both common and not, to pick and choose from. Obviously, you can't just shove every single trait into one character. That would be cringe. But at least for now gather together all the ones you can find. (Bonus points if you do some extra research and get a feeling for why such traits exists and what it is like to have them.)

2. So, you know generally what an Autistic person looks like. Nice. Now, pick out the traits you think would work best for YOUR character. That's right. As a writer, you essentially get to play GOD, so use that power wisely my friends. Remember to think about what fits your character's story the best.

Example: In my "The Last Human" book Steve has lived on his own for a remarkably long amount of time. This has made him terribly...terrible at communicating and getting close with others. The subtle Autistic traits, such as being touch avoidant and easily overwhelmed in social situations, is only meant to fan the flames a little more.

Basically, don't try to make your character all about Autism. Instead, pick out traits that will only add to the character you have already created.

3.1. Taking whatever traits you have chosen for your Autistic character, whether it be certain stims, difficulty hearing, or pain tolerance, it is time to fit all of these things into your character's backstory. Remember that someone's traits are formed as a coping mechanism for said character's weaknesses. (I, for instance, am particularly sensitive to noise, so I -- being a shy person -- tend to shut down if in a really loud environment. My 'coping mechanism' is blocking out the noise around me by retreating into my own mind. Dissociating, as you may also call it. This, in turn, has essentially coaxed me from birth into having a very large inner world to which I retreat to.) It's all about cause and effect.

Your character's past can affect their traits just as much as their traits can affect their past. It is a vicious cycle that you just have to figure out how to balance.

Example: Say your character is really outgoing and one of their traits is that they are very sensitive to light. This person may naturally gravitate towards being a night owl or only agree to go to events if it is later in the evening. But since they are so outgoing and may have a hard time knowing ahead of time whether or not an event will meet their needs, they might end up becoming the person in the friend group who always hosts the events. That way, they have full control over every single aspect of the setting that might trigger them.

3.2. And of course, for the more dramatic character backstories, if your Autistic character lost their entire family in a blazing fire, perhaps give them really sensitive hearing or something, so on top of everything they witness, it will be the sound..or the smell..that ticks them off the most. Maybe the smell was overwhelming, and even getting a whiff of it again instantly reminds them of the event. Fun concept for writing PTSD in general~ Sorry, I'm off topic again.

Or say your character's backstory deals more with long term abuse from a parental figure trying to turn their child into the next greatest villain or something. In that case, their traits may adjust accordingly. Hyper-fixation is a good one. Perhaps they teach themselves to hyper-fixate on "important" things like practicing magic or perfecting their fighting style. This can go to an obsessive level thanks to their hyper-fixation. They may not even notice their knuckles are bleeding or their hair is on fire. (Which is an actual trait I have dealt with while training in martial arts. "Oh I'm bleeding?? Sorry, didn't even notice.")

4. And finally but arguably one of the most important steps is naturally weaving their traits into the character's story going forward.

Example: Again from ma' pal Steve, he throughout the story had to learn to use moderation when it came to his obsessive, one-track minded behavior. He had to learn to enjoy taking it slow and not overwork himself so hard. One of his stims was actually jogging, so whenever he broke his leg, it was an especially big deal, since he could no longer do whatever helped to calm him down. Such a small problem quickly grew into a big deal that had to be faced head on...all thanks to the inclusion of his Autistic traits.

As you may have noticed, I never used any "truly Autistic" examples. I didn't tell you how to write a visit with the therapist where the two talk about the character's struggles. I didn't give any tips on how to write a meltdown realistically. And I most certainly didn't say anything about writing a socially inept kid trying to make friends.

Wanna know why? Because that's a bit repetitive at this point. By now, pretty much everyone knows what Autism is. You shouldn't have to spell it out for your readers unless it is 100% crucial to the plot and characters driving said plot.

Bonus tip:

Just being real here. Saying up front that your character is Autistic right away, or advertising them as such, will in the end ruin people's perception of them. They will go, "oh, well I am not Autistic, so I can't relate." and not emotionally connect to the character as much as they would have if the lable was left ambiguous. Either that, or they will question why this is not an "Autistic story."

I have nothing against "Autistic stories," but they're all the same in my experience at least, and by this point everyone already knows what to expect from one of these stories. And that takes away from the magic of storytelling.

So, it's perfectly alright to tell people, "Hey, my character is Autistic." However, it is when people advertise their character as such or bank on people only liking them because they are Autistic that I have to ask you to chill. Advertising Autism leads to less immersion, since the diagnosis is expected to be at the center of it all. And expecting people to like your character only because they are "quirky/Autistic" is just asking for people to roll their eyes and walk away, uninterested.

Sorry if this post was a little too long. I had a lot to say... Seeya! 👋

#autism #writing tips #writing characters #writing #neurodivergent #autistic characters #how to write

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dropout-ninja · 8 months

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:3cc Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love❤

(Picture me headbonking you like a cat)

Why would you do this to me with my 108 fics and more wips in docs not yet posted (some of which would make this list)

I am terrible at picking rankings help

Uhhhh

When I Wake From This Dream With Chains All Around Me (Hollow Knight) where my HK writing got kicked off. Longfic.

It’s Burned In My Mind and all of its associated works (Hollow Knight) absolute fever dream, wrote in a splurge of dissociation, wild time and probably my favorite fic I’ve written. Multichap.

The If We Could Just Be What We Wanted verse (Transformers Prime with a dose of a bunch of other continuities) particularly the first one (which needs edits but in terms of tone and characters and me managing plots genuinely holds up really well to the last few years), Damned If I Do (oneshot), and poor Chaotic Unity (longfic), who I had so many seeds of foreshadowing put into the first fic for and then it got read by like five perfect of the original’s readers XD

control’s graveyard (Monsterverse Godzilla. Yep.) entirely self indulgent fun times, power dynamics central, character studies on everyone, I poured into worldbuilding and backstories and I think I managed to do show don’t tell with them better here than I manage elsewhere. Someone said that I managed to keep the main character “alien and genuinely despicable” while somehow keeping them sympathetic, and that praise is put on my mental fridge forever. I reread this fic more than I do any of my other ones. Genuinely my favoritism for it is showing hard. Multichap.

Immolation (MTMTE/Lost Light) Haven’t read this one in a year so grammar wise I’m sure it’s a wreck, but my 3am brain went off on this one and its stream of consciousness style. Oneshot.

Wyrm Off A String (Hollow Knight) based on crack and others’ art, ridiculous premise, somehow the best worldbuilding and foreshadowing of a twist ending I’ve done. Oneshot.

Linger (Hollow Knight) mad niche, another one that began because of crack and shitposts I saw. Loss of self, body horror, psychological horror, non linear dream madness, what’s not for me to love. Multichap in progress

Wallow (Hollow Knight) another incredibly niche one nobody asked for, that is actually going to be turned into a multichap and has a lot of juicy to a self indulgent author tension and shenanigans already written, but I’m waiting until I’ve written most all of it before I start posting the new chapters. Dubbed by my friends as the Mean White Lady Fic. Traitor Lord my beloved. (Oneshot on ao3, multichap to be)

sometimes family is a mad scientist spider, his amoral ex, their build-a-child kit gone right, and the human sidekick (IDW2005 Transformers) oneshots collection. Quite proud of the Verity and Prowl povs. Tarantulas my blorbo.

ex cinere (House of Ashes) for capturing the voice and worldbuilding after I relistened to Randolph’s things a million times. I feel like I managed to keep aliens alien for it (short multichap)

And CarnEVILs? In MY Dirtmouth? (It’s More Likely Than You Think!) (Hollow Knight) halloween oneshot with an Elderbug pov that feels very Elderbug and Dirtmouth vibes as good here as in Chains. Elderbug did not enjoy his obligatory grimm teatime™️.

Hey look this is not five. 108 fics too difficult to narrow down for me

#ashyronfire #I can’t narrow it down to five #I didn’t even get to get to things like my first HK oneshot #wherein the radiance ripped her own heart out to stop dealing with mortal fears and it was what became the nightmare heart #My fic library has some weeeird ones in it #something for everyone perhaps!#also didn’t mention any of the wips that are Long but not yet on ao3 #like a certain kung fu panda longfic that is unreliable narrator loveliness #I may write a lot of niche things that are self indulgent because no one else had written them yet #but I do tend to love my works outside of hating the grammar and language errors I find later #thanks for the ask anyway XD #I feel so awkward tagging this with its fandom but uhh #hollow knight #transformers fics #my fics #Godzilla #Monsterverse #transformers

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placeholderparagon · 1 year

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Things That Make Me Doubt Being A System

1. Having Really Good Communication

I haven’t actually ever heard of a system like us in this respect, when we were little we were incredibly empathetic and between all of the christian teachings of ‘Put others first’ and ‘Treat others like you wan’t to be treated’ and in particular Horton Hears A Whos’ ‘a persons a person no matter how small’ we (knowingly or not) became very good at communication and sharing the body.

We talked to each other all the time and it was not very often (infact literally I only know one(1) alter whose ever fronted fully alone) that we had less that 2-3 of us near the front when we were younger because we relied on each other and trusted each other more than we trusted ourselves. we wanted people to be nice to us all the time so we tried very hard to be nice to people all the time especially each other. This led to alot of trust and respect and very good open communication (though it did break down almost entirely once we found out we were a system and were working on actively achieving what we used to have without trying)

2. Being Good At ‘Co-Fronting’

I hate this one in particular because I’ve seen so many “Signs They’re Faking The Disorder” with this being on of the main ones.

We managed to get it to an art of fronting, having up to 20 of us aware of what was going on at once, all giving advice and emotional support. we would have at least one soother, one booster (our name for alters who raise the vibe and give high energy) alters who didn't feel, alters who did feel and would be restrained while feeling for the body so we didn't create an outburst or shutdown entirely by neglecting our feelings. Alters who were aware of every surrounding factor physically, alters who would have lists for everything going on in our friends lives so we wouldn’t overstep any boundaries or be ignorant to their feelings, alters who were incredibly book smart, and alters who were just there to have fun with the rest of us while we were working destress us so we didn’t have to clock out of the front sooner than we could.

It took years to perfect it and once we did pretty much everything in life became so much easier, some of us consider this ‘functioning-multiplicity’ though in many ways it was very unhealthy it saved so much pain for us, and at the very least, aside from the horrendous anxiety and depression, it made fronting fun. It became something we looked forward too because it was a way to hang out, it made life less scary to be scared with a friend. Even those of us who were unaware of being a system knew to an extent, even if we didn’t know what we were aware of. It also helped our memory having so many alters around to remember and cover each others blank spots.

3. We Can’t Unmask (or a lot of us at least)

(Hi I switched in cuz we got a little dissociated, idk who i am but i know im not whoever was writing before lol)

Because of how good many of us are at fronting with others, not only do we now find it near impossible to front alone, we have no clue who we are outside of the headspace,,, like ever. In order to fight the disassociation of having so many of us in the front at once we, instead of fighting it, leaned into it.

We became comfortable with becoming the hazy, mushy, blur that is uncertainty of being in the front. Not knowing where you end or someone else begins or if you even are who you thought you were. Not knowing where you are but having a vague feeling that some part of you does know and trusting it, leaning into the unknown into the mess into the whatever the fuck it is and finding it safe.

Now when I’m in the front I’m so terrified of being seen that I lean into whoever’s around me to find the comfort of not knowing, I can’t be hurt if I don’t know what hurts or what there is to attack. I don’t know who I am and I don’t know what I’m like in the body unmasked and quite frankly I don’t think I want to know.

Losing yourself and wrapping yourself in someone else is so much better that being alone and vulnerable

I have a feeling were going to be adding more onto this when others come out and rock up with their own insecurities but for the 2 of us who did write this is probably the biggest things for us

#faking #fake did #did #actually dissociative #dissociative system #im posting this to make myself feel more confident about the fact that i still kinda dont really believe it #were definately faking #idk how #but we are #i need to stop comparing us #throwback to that time i was 5 in class #and my teacher started YELLING #at some poor system in my class #that you cant have voices in you head #and insisted that they cheated becaus ethey couldntve had a voic in their head telling them the right answer #and i asked the voices in my head if they were voices #and they panicked #and said... nooo #were just your brain #yeah thats right #just your brain telling you what to do #everyones brain is like that #and i said aaahh yes of course that makes perfect sense #thanks brain #and they said ur welcom :)#system #did system #i still reckon im making it up tho

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system-of-a-feather · 2 years

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The Generation of Miracles (including Tetsu) for the character opinion bingo please ^_^

HEHEHEHEHEHEHH BINGO

*SLAMS HAND ON DESK*

ANSWERING THIS ONE FIRST CAUSE I WAS LITERALLY PLANNING ON CONTINUING MY FIRST WATCH OF THE DUB I PUT OFF LIKE A YEAR AGO AND ALSO AN ACTUAL TAB

First TLDR: I fucking love all of them. I'm less severely mentally ill about it, but I was EXTREMELY imprinted and mentally ill over Kuroko no Basket specifically Akashi to the point of literally having a mini-shrine three years ago and me + my fiance having "emergency Akashi content" on our phones to help calm me down from meltdowns since it was a reliable way to bring me back from flashbacks, panic attacks, and OCD spirals. LITERALLY was an essential tool in my coping hand bag until like two years ago. Still very shocked we didn't introject anyone from that anime, but I'm pretty sure thats cause we have too many similar personality types already

Also this was like my favorite anime for years (watched it originally so I could make fun of it but ended up REALLY liking it) and now competes with Banana Fish for that title.

So like, thank you for asking this, I was HOPING someone would give me an excuse to share all my blorbos

Tetsu: BUN PERFECT LITTLE CINNAMON ROLL PERFECT BABY I LOVE HIM HE IS PERFECT HE CAN DO NO WRONG AND HE DESERVES NOTHING BUT GOODNESS

Kise: sdalfkjlajfdl mood man major mood man also I love the fuck out of him, probably the most similar character to me as a part save for the fact Akashi is a general system mood, but me as a part? Im a Kise personality type

Aomine: Dude I love this man, so cool great papa bear, love him perfect human I love him

Midorima: I love this man, he is big OCD mood, big glasses boy, really cool 10/10 perfect character I love him so much he deserves the world

Murasakibara: My LEAST favorite of the GOM but honestly just as pinchable as everyone else. Hes a good boy who likes sweets

Akashi: Literally saved this body's life like 4000 times in mid highschool to mid college and I literally had a period of worshipping him as a coping mechanism so....... Not perfect DID representation, not even necessarily great, but it is better than most and a lot of things hit HARD home; plus I loved watching him dissociate the fuck out in the middle of a game in the Last Game movie and in the final game of S3 huge fucking mood man. ((I also literally have or at least had every one of his lines memorized in english and japanese to the rhythm and cadence cause I had an issue)) ((Also Ill let you know some of our trauma by the fact we looked at that and went OOF MOOD iykyk))

TLDR: I love all these men

Also Orange is if it applies to another alter but not me specifically. Please do note that all these character did not get enough screen time and that none of them did anything wrong in their life, but most of them weren't bullied enough. /j

Also also, I literally studied their art style for a while too when learning to draw as one of them

Also also also, thank you for hitting one of the top bingos

Tetsuya Kuroko

Ryouta Kise

Daiki Aomine

Shintaro Midorima

Atsushi Murasakibara

Seijuro Akashi

#alter: riku #kuroko no basket #ask #ask game #character game #character bingo #character asks #akashi #aomine #kuroko #kise #midorima #murasakibara

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beastblade69 · 2 months

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art school are literally like "okay but we're gonna make you do 5 assignments due next week" and expect us to draw masterpieces. like bro I'm exhausted, I'm tired, depressed and dissociated. I feel like shit and my drawings are getting worse with every week because I have too much shit to do + I have to rest like a normal human being, not talking about working at my own projects. like Ion see how I should show progress in my art if I'm under a constant pressing not only from myself because gODDAMN I HAVE TO BE PERFECT AT LEAST AT SOMETHING ONCE IN MY LIFE, but also from college aka waking up at 7:30 am and spending time in one room w a person who's rejected me and trying to keep myself motivated. srs man art schools shall consider a mental health factors. I really get that mindset which has unfortunately passed to us from ussr ("there are no mental illnesses, you just choose to be lazy and complain instead of working for your countries sake") but like nuh that doesn't work that way. I really don't wanna draw no more, I just want them to let me be, let me chill or else I'm not gonna make it because my mental energy is drained and everyone has decided to leave me out of the blue. so yeah lmao bitches just don't make art a fucking full time job or smth like it can be draining af and this system sucks esp for mentally ill ppl because like we're already struggling for life WHY WOULD YOU DO TAHT TO US??

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sweetsweetazzy · 4 months

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Giving Gifts to Cael and Rook

Paired these two together because it was easier

Cael is the most difficult person to get anything for. I don't truly know anything about him, he's just...there, yet he knows everything about me. His gifts are always exactly what I wanted, even if I didn't know I wanted it until he gave it to me. I decided to get him some lavender shampoo, because at least I know he likes the smell of lavender (or, he always smells like lavender, so he can't mind, right?) and his long hair definitely needs it to stay so smooth and perfect. I also got him a small keychain with some purple jewels and a golden letter 'C' (you can tell I really don't know what to get this man.

He got me the best things ever. Some new art supplies, a pair of black boots that look so adorable and pretty, some chapstick because damn my lips are so chap, and he took me to some fun places for the day. I don't know how he did it, but like he always does, he made xmas something truly wonderful.

He said he liked my gifts, but didn't show much of a reaction beyond that. I could at the very least tell he was being genuine. He knows better than to lie to me. I'm just so happy he wanted to spend time with me.

Rook told me to get him nothing. Actually, true to his character, he stalked me in the months leading up to xmas (more than usual, anyways) to make sure I didn't buy anything for him. I really couldn't get him anything, so I gave him so kisses and wrote him a simple card. I'm not really into writing cards, I struggle to be genuine, but it was the least I could do.

He accepted the card and the kisses, then he took me to...a clearing in the woods. There was no one else around, and it would have been terrifying had it not been Rook by my side. He made me sit next to him in the grass and simply watch and listen. I started dissociating a bit, as I often do in situations like this, and it took me a bit to realize that's what he wanted me to do. He had brought me to this clearing in the forest to give me time for myself, where absolutely no one could interrupt my daydreams, without a single worry because Rook was there in case anything happened. It was a really nice day.

#f/o #f/o community #f/o christmas #☆fromhell #☆lovelove #☆cael #☆hunted #☆celebrate

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song-for-the-seasons · 5 months

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OCPD diagnosis ramblings under the cut

Got dx’d with OCPD this week which is like, the way it was explained to me was like,

with OCD the people that have it KNOW they’re having intrusive thoughts that aren’t logical, but feel compelled to do them anyways. It’s ego-dystonic, meaning it goes against what you know to be ordered thinking.

I have OCPD which means I don’t know when the intrusive thoughts are happening because my brain accepts them as reality. It’s ego-syntonic , meaning these intrusive thoughts align with my belief system. Like, perfectionism is a good thing! Being detail oriented is a good thing! Being motivated and dedicated and a self starter is a good thing! Being an advocate for other people is a good thing! But now it’s going full tilt into “if everything isn’t perfect, if something goes AWOL I lose my SHIT”. It’s genetic and gets worse with age, which explains why I’ve gradually gotten more and more type A in the last 9 years. It centers around perfectionism and fairness and balance. like if I buy someone coffee, they have to buy me coffee next time or the balance isn’t right and I could be in danger. Or vice versa, if someone else was slighted in some way, I have to make it up to them to make everything fair or else I’m horrible and deserve to die. It’s even gotten to the point that I have a knee jerk reaction that if someone hurts me, I need to hurt them back to create *BALANCE*. I’m at least self aware enough that I can realize that’s dumb as hell and not something I would DO, but the thought has begun creeping in. If one of my clients doesn’t like their order, then I wasn’t perfect and I have a breakdown so hard I’m hospitalized. I have to get a 100% score on everything- conversations, being a good friend, art, chores, therapy, driving or I dissociate for DAYS. I graduated suma cum laude for fucks sake because I felt like I’d stupid if I didn’t. To be clear, no one else has to meet these standards because they have inherent worth as a human. Because I lack inherent worth, I have to play this game of perfection and balance in order to make sure I deserve to be alive.

like the whole thing feeds into itself because I AM good at things because I feel like I HAVE to be or I’ll DIE. I excel at almost everything I touch because I HAVE to. But when I don’t, when something isn’t in my control, I fall apart. I wasn’t INSTANTLY perfect at stained glass last week and I had to pointedly calm myself because it wasn’t PERFECT. I completed nanowrimo but because I have been bludgeoning myself over the head with my *first draft not being perfect* I can’t enjoy the fact I wrote 50k words in a month! At least I know *that’s* illogical but it doesn’t stop the berating.

for a really long time my doctors and therapists just thought it was PTSD and anxiety creating a monster but once this piece was brought up it finally clicked. The other side of it though is there’s not a TON of research on it and idk how much hope there is of getting better. The most positive I can find is the *progression* can be halted. so like, rn I’m dx’d with PTSD, CPTSD, anxiety, depression, and OCPD. I’m a fucking cocktail that cancels each other but on the outside look like a go getter, perky, friendly individual and then on the inside I’m just constantly screaming AHHHHHHHHHHH

being aware it’s happening is step one. Maybe it’s the perfectionism speaking, but I WILL get better. I have a lot of hope. For a really long time I’ve been working on myself, and I think it really slowed the progression of this disease. I felt like I was making big strides with myself, but there was something huge missing that we weren’t understanding and this is it.

knowledge is power etc etc I WILL gain control of my brain again, I WILL be better than I was yesterday. But hoo boy I got my work cut out for me

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captainfightingflower · 9 months

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The Tee K.O. 2 avatars are so unfathomably ugly to the point where it feels like everyone’s praising them ironically.

How do people find the Tee K.O. 2 avatars CUTE?!? Are we looking at the same bunch of avatars?? I’ve never seen a piece of official media adapt character designs this fucking ATROCIOUSLY in my life! They’re violently inaccurate, incredibly uncanny, and don’t even respect their origin game’s source material. It feels like reading the reviews for the Mulan remake with how disjointed the praises are to the actual product. Did you guys actually SEE the avatars, or are you just saying that you did so Jackbox Games can get your precious games on time that you keep pestering them to release immediately?

I’ve seen people compair this to Super Smash Brothers, and that’s probably the most brutal insult i’ve ever seen someone hurl at that franchise. That game respects each characters, they adapt each character to perfection, being in that game is a thing of pride. The only one i’d really complain is inaccurate to their source material is Samus, but that’s it! Tee K.O. 2 is a fucking travesty where everybody looks like they were drawn by an amateur artist for their fan game, and i’m pretty sure if any of my characters were represented in a professional project like how Tee K.O. 2 did it; i’d instantly wanna dissociate from the entire thing all together!

This entire pack is just an officially licensed fangame, that’s it, you can not convince my brain that this is anything but a fangame that just so happens to be published by Jackbox Games. I’m honestly starting to believe that i’m being pranked, because how can anybody in their right mind unironically call these things CUTE?!? That’s what’s fucking getting me. There’s no way people fucking like this, there’s absolutely zero redeeming qualities about their design adaptions and i cannot wrap my brain around anybody genuinely liking these as anything more than a fucking joke.

If you like them: HOW?!?! Tell me, tell Fighting Flower, why do you like these design adaptions?! What’s cute about them?!? What looks good about them??%! WHAT’S EVEN ACCURATE ABOUT THEM?!?! HOW, HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM?!? WHAT’S ALLURING YOU TO THESE AFFRONTS TO GOD?!?!?!?!?!

Nothing against you personally for liking them, i just can’t understand anybody actually liking these frankly terrible designs. I’m more surprised how nobody feels as offended about it as i do. I hate these designs, because at a fundamental level: they’re just bad. Not badly drawn, just bad. You can say you like them, but they aren’t good adaptions of character designs, that’s just the factual truth: they aren’t good. Show this to any professional art teacher and they’d think you were playing a prank on them. It’s practically reaching bootleg levels of awful. These don’t feel authorised, these don’t feel official, they are BAD.

I could write an ENTIRE VIDEO ASSAY about how these design adaptions FAIL AWFULLY at being good adaptions. I could go on and on about how these things should’ve never left the drafts! I bet you even i could depict them better, and i ain’t even a professional! And i’m not claiming that ‘cause i think i’m more talented than them, i’m only saying that to show how BAD those adaptions are! That a fucking hobbyist can better adapt character designs to a game’s design philosophy than a group of PROFESSIONAL ARTISTS!

I hope the pack gets stolen like the movie Foodfight! and the staff is forced to start over from scratch, or at least put that thing in the damn oven and delay it to next year! It’s so unbaked, i bet you they don’t even HAVE drafts. They thought the first thing they could and chuck it in there, because it sure damn feels like it!

#Jackbox games #the jackbox party pack 10 #tee K.O. 2 #ranty vent #yeah yeah i'm on my bullshit again #i just couldn't fucking stand how these shit designs get this much praise when they're THIS bad!#this feels like paycheck designs. y'know: art that's shat out so people can get their paychecks?#if this was fanart: i wouldn't be mad at all. but it isn't. so i am #i bet you guys are getting reeaaaal tired of me ranting about my hatred for this pack

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tanglesandcrystals · 2 years

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06/28/2022 12:50pm Home

Vacillating between electric and analog journaling methods has to be a form of self care, right?

I love the action of physically journaling but sometimes my thoughts go too fast for my brain. Typing journal entries feels more like stream-of-consciousness; I get to the meat of the issue more quickly because my mind and hands can move at a similar speed.

The only problem with that is my tendency to dissociate when my hands have taken over for my brain.

It is incredibly difficult to stay grounded. My mind and attention both like to wander - often in different directions! - and it’s hard to keep my focus on the task at hand. Journaling and reflecting only work if you actually put in the work to journal and reflect. Just writing something down is not the same thing as taking the time to ponder on life. I was just journaling (in a physical journal, that is) when I realized that I was merely reporting. I was stating. I was listing. Dictating my day is also not the same as reflecting on my day.

Mindfulness is hard work!

What I really want to discuss is my new tarot deck. Wellesley and I were planning on going grocery shopping but realized we wouldn’t be able to, so I asked if we could pop over to the witchcraft store for some supplies. The tarot card section always calls to me and there, on the top shelf, was the Influence of Angels deck.

It. Is. Beautiful.

Not only is the art of the deck fantastic, it is also gold embossed with a phenomenal little guide explaining the direct meaning, the shadow meaning, an angel blessing, AND features either Named Angels or important historical figures. It is perfect. The moment we came home I opened it, cleansed it, shuffled it, and did a few little readings. It feels like a good time to refocus on my magic, especially since I’ve been doing so well about going to church consistently.

It’s time to admit, at least to myself, that I have a very strong faith. My belief system is hugely important to me and I do tend to see the world through the lens of religion. Over the last decade (or longer, if I’m being honest) I have distanced myself from my faith. It’s too personal, too raw, and also does not line up at all with the modern world. My fear of being judged or ridiculed for believing in God is so innate, mostly because everyone I know dislikes Christianity in the abstract. My friends and family know that I’m spiritual and none of them would ever mock me for believing, but it also isn’t something I want to bring up.

So much of this is rooted in my need to mask. I’ve been putting on a performance for my family, friends, and peers for most of my life...to the point that I hide facets of myself away.

That needs to change.

My name is Jules. I am a nonbinary person who uses they/them pronouns. I am Catholic. I am a witch. I believe in God, angels, saints, crystals, and all manifestations of the divine. I am no longer going to hide my light.

#journal

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fearlessinger · 2 years

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So, a little less than a month year ago (this is all my fault, I take sole responsibility for this loooong delay), I got roped into reading The Trials Of Apollo by @flightfoot’s amazing meta. I loved it more than I could have ever anticipated, and I’ve been gushing about it non stop to her on discord. We had a lot of fun reviewing the series and taking it apart to overanalyze bit by bit, marveling at the way it keeps growing layers and dimensions the longer one looks at it. Finally, we took out a google doc. The following is result n.3 of our combined excited ramblings, and… well it sort of turned into a full on dissertation. Whoops.

“You must make your own choice.”

Reconstructing Apollo’s Journey within Riordan’s Narrative

Much too self aware to be egotistical

Not the kind of feelings that gods have

You have heard of imposter syndrome?

As if you could have immortality or meaning, but not both

The sun’s indifference

Art thou sure that is thy wish? (read on ao3)

Finally, Apollo stops lying to our faces every other paragraph about what he really thinks and feels. He stops wasting time and energy pretending that he doesn't mean, that he doesn't want to do the right thing. That he doesn’t care about everything and everybody. He's done being ashamed of it. He won’t hide from who he is anymore.

It should be a liberating choice, but it doesn’t feel like it. Far from it. Now that he doesn’t let himself cower behind his lies any longer, now that he refuses to flinch away from reality and take refuge in the imaginary stage play he’d gotten so comfortable writing and acting out inside his own head, he can see with agonizingly perfect clarity how much he'd screwed up. How much time he's wasted. How much blood is on his hands.

There was no climbing cage going to the second level – just bare metal rungs against the side of the girder, as if the builders had decided, Welp, if you made it this far, you must be crazy, so no more safety features! Now that the metal-ribbed chute was gone, I realized it had given me some psychological comfort. At least I could pretend I was inside a safe structure, not free-climbing a giant tower like a lunatic. (TTT 247)

The guilt he felt before was nothing compared to the guilt he feels now without the buffer of pretense. As hollow as it was, he misses the comfort that his safety cage had given him. But the only way to make the climb was to leave it behind.

Oh, Jason Grace … I promised you I would remember what it was to be human. But why did human shame have to hurt so much? Why wasn’t there an off button? (TTT 134)

Apollo did many bad things in his long life. Some of them, many of them, he did because he was backed into a corner. Because he had no choice, or because he’d been made to believe that he didn’t, and accepted that that was the truth. But he can’t, he won’t let himself acknowledge it, not even now that he’s finally allowing himself to put the right name to what he’s experienced at his father’s hands.

He is not like Meg. He is not a child. He is responsible for his own choices. He should have known better. He should have tried harder. He will have to keep trying, somehow, whatever it takes, no matter how hopeless it seems, once he’s back with the rest of the gods, back within the fold of the little abusive cult that he calls family, high above the top of the Empire State Building, because unlike Meg, he’s never getting free.

He keeps insisting that human shame is different, because he needs to believe that when the time comes he won’t jump at the chance to turn it off, shut it down, bury it in the sand and never look back, just like he’d done with the godly one, which is exactly the same.

Have you ever had an experience so painful or embarrassing you literally forgot it happened? Your mind dissociates, scuttles away from the incident yelling Nope, nope, nope, and refuses to acknowledge the memory ever again? (TTT 43)

He’d done it to survive. But that’s no excuse. Deep down, Apollo has always believed this. He has to find a way to do better anyway. He has no guarantee that he will. He doesn’t have anything but his desperate, stubborn resolve to keep his promise to Jason, to himself, to everybody.

I will be Apollo. I will remember.

When had I last felt ‘whole’? I wanted to believe it was back when I was a god, but that wasn’t true. I hadn’t been completely myself for centuries. Maybe millennia. (TTT 316)

The problem with getting used to lying all the time is not that you end up forgetting what the truth is. You don’t. Not unless you want to. And Apollo could never truly bring himself to want to. No, the problem with getting used to lying all the time is that, after a while, the lies start to feel more real than the truth itself.

Apollo knows who he is, but he has not allowed himself to be that person in a really, really long time. So long, that he isn’t quite sure how to do it anymore.

But he can’t afford to wait to figure it out until after the crisis has passed. The hourglass is running out of sand.

Lupa stood before the altar. Mist shrouded her fur as if she were off-gassing quicksilver.

It is your time, she told me.

[...]

‘My time,’ I said. ‘For what, exactly?’

She nipped the air in annoyance. To be Apollo. The pack needs you.

I wanted to scream, I’ve been trying to be Apollo! It’s not that easy! (TTT 95)

“Continue to act strong,” Lupa tells him. Apollo understands. Her advice makes sense to him. “Half the trick to being a god,” he had told Meg their first morning together at Camp Half Blood, “is knowing how to bluff.”

He can do that. He’s been doing it this whole time. So maybe he just needs to switch his old act for a new one. The vapid, selfish, privileged brat for the reformed ex villain seeking redemption. The latter feels more right. It definitely feels closer to the truth, and to the end goal, than his previous routine.

The problem is, ultimately, it’s still an act.

‘Did you just use the term skedaddleth?’

I TRY TO SPEAK PLAINLY TO THEE, TO GRANT THEE A BOON, AND STILL THOU COMPLAINEST.

‘I appreciate a good boon as much as the next person. But, if I’m going to contribute to this quest and not just cower in the corner, I need to know how –’ my voice cracked – ‘how to be me again.’

The vibration of the arrow felt almost like a cat purring, trying to soothe an ill human. ART THOU SURE THAT IS THY WISH?

‘What do you mean?’ I demanded. ‘That’s the whole point! Everything I’m doing is so –’ (TTT 138)

Apollo has spent so long trying to be someone other than himself, there’s almost no one left who truly knows him anymore. The characters he played are all that most of the people around him have ever known.

And he doesn’t get to correct their assumptions. He doesn’t get to make his case to the arrow. How would that even go? You see, I’m not actually an asshole, I just pretended to be! I swear I didn’t mean it!

Nobody wants to hear that. To anyone who’s ever had the misfortune of having to put up with it, the two looked exactly the same.

And, contrary to popular belief that he himself had carefully planted and cultivated, Apollo can read a room.

I began to speak, the Latin ritual verses pouring out of me. I chanted from instinct, barely aware of the words’ meanings. I had already praised Jason with my song. That had been deeply personal. This was just a necessary formality.

In some corner of my mind, I wondered if this was how mortals felt when they used to pray to me. Perhaps their devotions had been nothing but muscle memory, reciting by rote while their minds drifted elsewhere, uninterested in my glory. I found the idea strangely … understandable. Now that I was a mortal, why should I not practise non-violent resistance against the gods, too? (TTT 91-92)

The Romans still pray to the gods. They still prayed to Apollo too. And yet, none of them really has any idea who Apollo is. Most of them never cared to know either. Why would they? Gods aren’t people. Gods aren’t friends. They are beautiful golden idols to appease. They might grant someone a wish, sometimes, if that wish is something they already wanted to make happen anyway. They don’t actually care about anything but themselves.

And Apollo was just like the rest of them.

It doesn’t matter that his indifference was always fake. From a distance, it looked real. From a distance, it looked the same as that of any of the other gods. And Apollo was oh so very careful, at all times, to keep his distance.

He still is.

He calls Zeus his abuser, but he only does it in the privacy of his own head, and in the pages of these books that won’t be read by any of the people who could actually give him sympathy and support.

Gods aren’t supposed to need sympathy. They aren’t supposed to need support. They aren’t supposed to be helpless.

Apollo feels safe in telling us, because we can’t do anything, we can’t offer anything to him other than a listening ear.

But even to us Apollo doesn’t explain, because the truth is Apollo doesn’t WANT to explain. It’s incredibly hard for him, still, to admit that he was never as in control of his own life and choices as he liked to think and pretend he was.

This, too, is who Apollo is. He believes that he had no right to be a victim.

So, even as he admits it, he won’t let himself acknowledge how that shaped every single one of his choices, of his thoughts, of his beliefs even.

He will take all the responsibility, because he can’t admit that, even at his most powerful, he was always powerless.

He can’t let go of the illusion of control, not so much for the sake of his own pride and dignity – if there’s one thing that’s been made entirely clear by Apollo’s narration at this point, it’s that he really doesn’t care anymore about making himself look good – but because he’s still desperately grasping for some proof, any proof, that he truly can do better, and that he truly will be able, this time, to make a difference, that he will be able to avoid repeating his mistakes, even though the circumstances and the people that taught and helped and pushed him to make them will always be there.

To admit that he was always powerless would mean admitting that at the end of these trials, even if he succeeds, especially if he succeeds, he will be powerless again. And that is unacceptable.

So no, It doesn’t feel good to be Apollo. It doesn’t feel liberating. It still feels like shit.

‘I can’t believe I used to think –’

‘That I was your father? But we look so much alike.’

He laughed. ‘Just take care of yourself, okay? I don’t think I could handle a world with no Apollo in it.’

His tone was so genuine it made me tear up. I’d started to accept that no one wanted Apollo back – not my fellow gods, not the demigods, perhaps not even my talking arrow. Yet Frank Zhang still believed in me.

Before I could do anything embarrassing – like hug him, or cry, or start believing I was a worthwhile individual – I spotted my three quest partners trudging towards us. (TTT 142)

Apollo knows who he is. As much as he still pretends otherwise, he has no illusions about it. He’s exactly the sort of person that he strived so hard to become. He is someone nobody would miss, except maybe Frank Zhang, who, like Apollo’s children, like all of the people Apollo is ever so grateful, ever so surprised to be able to call friends, is too kind for his own good.

He’s the worst of the gods, and a rather terrible human being too. Too vain and insecure to stop caring what people think of him. Too much of a selfish coward to make peace with the finality of death, and with it, the possibility that he won’t get another chance to remedy his failings. Entitled enough that he still, despite everything, thinks he has a right to hold into his hands the power to make a difference, and arrogant enough that he still, despite everything, wants to believe that he can.

Are you sure, the arrow asked him. But what other choice does he have?

No one else who has the power to do so will lift a finger to stop the emperors. No one else who has the power to do it will wrestle the future out of Python’s jaws.

So it has to be Apollo, just like the first time.

He will have to take responsibility for all of it, because someone has to, and no one else will.

And when he succeeds, IF he succeeds, he’ll have to go back to his comfortable golden prison in the sky, and try to remember what it was like to be a person rather than a god, hold onto those memories even after everybody else who’s been witness to his struggle will be long gone.

I dreamed of homes. Had I ever really had one?

Delos was my birthplace, but only because my pregnant mother, Leto, took refuge there to escape Hera’s wrath. The island served as an emergency sanctuary for my sister and me, too, but it never felt like home any more than the back seat of a taxi would feel like home to a child born on the way to a hospital.

Mount Olympus? I had a palace there. I visited for the holidays. But it always felt more like the place my dad lived with my stepmom.

The Palace of the Sun? That was Helios’s old crib. I’d just redecorated.

Even Delphi, home of my greatest Oracle, had originally been the lair of Python. Try as you might, you can never get the smell of old snakeskin out of a volcanic cavern.

Sad to say, in my four-thousand-plus years, the times I’d felt most at home had all happened during the past few months: at Camp Half-Blood, sharing a cabin with my demigod children; at the Waystation with Emma, Jo, Georgina, Leo and Calypso, all of us sitting around the kitchen table chopping vegetables from the garden for dinner; at the Cistern in Palm Springs with Meg, Grover, Mellie, Coach Hedge and a prickly assortment of cactus dryads; and now at Camp Jupiter, where the anxious, grief-stricken Romans, despite their many problems, despite the fact that I brought misery and disaster wherever I went, had welcomed me with respect, a room above their coffee shop and some lovely bed linen to wear.

These places were homes. Whether I deserved to be part of them or not – that was a different question. (TTT 171-172)

Everyone deserves a second chance. Everyone deserves to feel loved. Everyone deserves to be recognized. Everyone deserves a home. Everyone, Apollo keeps telling us, keeps confirming with his actions, with his choices, because he really does believe it. Everyone. Except him.

In his golden prison above the clouds, Apollo has been taught that gods shouldn’t want, that gods shouldn’t need any of these things. Gods aren’t people. Gods are not like the rest of us. When Apollo said this, back at the beginning of this journey, it just felt like hilariously misplaced haughtiness. It’s much easier now, 4 books later, with the curtain of lies finally out of the way, to recognize in the familiar rhetoric the common refrain of abuse victims. Good people deserve good things. Normal people deserve good things. Even bad people deserve a second chance. But not me. Never me.

Apollo has a lot to feel guilty about. But he doesn’t stop at that. He feels guilty for things that he had no control over and objectively bears no blame for. He feels guilty for things that quite frankly aren’t a big enough deal to warrant any assignment of blame. He feels guilty for things that weren’t bad at all and he should maybe, actually, rather take pride in.

In his golden prison above the clouds, he’s been taught to feel responsible for everything.

And he does. He spends the first half of book 4 beating himself up for all that is wrong with the world, his guilt threatening to consume him both metaphorically and quite literally, taking the form of the poison inexorably spreading through his body that he, unlike every other mortal human in the city and at camp, in defiance of all of Pranjal’s medical experience, inexplicably can’t manage to fight off.

Gods are powered by belief, and a god’s belief can quite literally shape reality. For a god, intent is action. For a god, wanting to do something might as well be the same as having already done it. Apollo doesn’t want to die. And he doesn’t. But now that he finally looks at himself again without the filter of pretense before his eyes, he finds it incredibly hard to still believe that he shouldn’t.

“YOUR FAULT,” Zeus thunders in his memories, the only thing Apollo remembers of the six months that preceded his fall. “YOUR PUNISHMENT.” That’s why Apollo is here. To do penance for the sins of them all. And as much as he tried to protest it, it does make a perverse sort of sense to him. Deep down, there’s a part of him, still, that believes he deserves it.

It’s not your fault, Apollo tells Meg. The two of them are very much alike. He understands her. He has no trouble figuring out that she blames herself for his condition.

He has a lot more trouble, still, 4 books in, to imagine that she might actually care for him enough to be afraid of losing him, even as the obvious truth is staring him in the face.

It’s because of all the time we spent together, he rationalizes, equating himself to the little peach demon who’s been the only other semi constant presence in Meg’s life as of late in seeming complete earnestness, by all measures sounding like he’s genuinely unable to grasp the absurdity of such a comparison.

Like many people who have grown up in abusive households, Apollo is starved for love, and like many of his fellow abuse victims, he sees love as a transactional affair. He doesn’t really believe he can have anyone’s love for free. He keeps being caught off guard, feeling ashamed every time someone shows him even just a modicum of compassion. He allows himself to pursue physical intimacy, but friendship? Companionship? Understanding? No, those are off limits. There’s no way he can pay the price of them.

He was shocked that Will and Kayla and Austin would be so kind and welcoming to him when he was a powerless, puny mortal. He struggled to accept their acceptance, their eagerness to help him. Why would they waste their love on him when he clearly had nothing more to give them in exchange for it? “A father”, he’d thought, “should give more to his children than he takes”.

He thinks about Artemis now, about the way he used to call her his baby sister, “to annoy her,” he says. His next words betray the real reason, though. Despite how much she clearly finds me annoying too, he says, I suppose that, unlike Artemis, Meg really needs me.

That’s what the whole “baby sister” thing has always been about: giving himself the illusion that there’s something he can do for Artemis that will justify her wanting to hold onto him, because without it, without her actually needing him for anything, he can’t bring himself to believe that she’d care.

And Apollo knows. When he chooses to, he never has trouble distinguishing the lies from the truth. He’s always known, deep down, that his twin has never needed him. “Artemis understood me,” he tells us. “Well, okay, she tolerated me,” he amends immediately after. “Most of the time,” he adds. “All right, some of the time.”

But “with Meg,” he says, “I felt as if it were actually true.”

He can believe Meg’s love, unlike that of Artemis, unlike that of his children, of everybody else, because he has the means to buy it. He finds comfort in this thought, even as he realizes that he’s already behind on mortgage payments.

“What a horribly insufficient friend I had been,” he thinks.

As he offers her the hug he’d wanted and never dared to give her before, under the mistaken assumption that she wouldn’t accept it – let alone welcome it, he takes all the blame, once again, as he’s well accustomed to.

It’s not your fault, he tells Meg any chance he gets. It’s not your fault. You deserve better. But he is not like her.

In his heart of hearts, Apollo truly does believe he is the lone exception.

Of course it’s all his fault. He is a god. That’s the very definition of being responsible for everything.

“I [will] tough it out until the moment I [keel] over,” he vows, pretending to be shocked at the thought as if that’s not exactly what we’ve seen him do for 4 books straight, as if the only difference isn’t that now he’s admitting to what he’s doing, committed to the new narrative of self improvement he’s chosen for himself just as resolutely as he was to the old fiction of selfish, uncaring entitlement that he’s finally discarded.

Apollo loved to whine, so long as there was no chance of being taken seriously.

But as soon as he realizes that he is, in fact, truly at risk of being believed, he immediately shutters himself off.

He doesn’t deserve his friends’ concern. He refuses to add to their worries. There’s nothing they can do to help him anyway. Apollo needs a miracle. They all do. And they are only mortals. At most, they can buy him some time. The rest is up to him, as it rightfully should be.

What do mortals say – Suck it up? I sucked it way, way up. (TTT 60)

After 3 books of sifting through Apollo's lies to get at the increasingly hard to miss rising mountain of facts, we understand that Apollo is, in fact, observant, keenly perceptive, and incredibly self aware.

Now that he's stopped lying to us every other paragraph about what he really thinks and feels, we are finally able to see where his real blind spots lie.

“I was tired of others keeping me safe,” he says. “The whole point of consulting the arrow had been to figure out how I could get back to the business of keeping others safe.”

As is clearly apparent, by now, from the way he chooses to tell and frame this story, Apollo doesn’t really consider anything he does as a mortal as worth acknowledgement, let alone praise. He keeps noting how others help him, while paying no mind to all the times he has helped them in turn. He feels that everything he did up until this point counts for nothing.

The entirety of his long term plan hinges on regaining his godhood, and his current short term plan is to jump through near impossible hoops in order to perform a ritual that will hopefully allow him to call for divine intervention in time. Not just any divine intervention either: the real deal, “actual grade-AA-quality” help, minor gods need not apply.

His first reaction to discovering himself powerless, way back in book 1, was to swear those stupid oaths on the Styx because the mere idea of being anything less that superhumanly perfect at the things he’s supposed to be famous for horrified him. It didn’t matter to him at all that he was still good at them. More than good in fact! He was still a prodigy by human standards!

But human standards are not the standards Apollo has ever been measuring himself with.

I need to get back to the business of keeping others safe, he says. What he means is, he wants to get back to a place where he’ll have no use for other people’s help. He wants to get back to the place where he’ll have enough power to do everything himself.

In his mind, there can be no give and take. There shouldn’t. Because he is not a person like any other.

A father, he’d said, should give more to his children than he takes. And what are mortal creatures to divine immortal beings, if not frail, clueless children?

This is, to Apollo, what it truly means to be a god. This is his responsibility. To be the solution to all problems. To be endlessly strong, and never in need. To be the father who always gives and never takes.

For him, being able to do anything less than everything isn’t enough.

He is in awe of his mortal friends’ bravery, of their resilience, of their hope. He is grateful for their kindness and generosity. He appreciates everything they’ve done for him. But he feels guilty every time he’s forced to take anything from them. He feels like he shouldn’t. Like it’s wrong of him to even just accept what’s freely offered.

He admires their strength. He finds it genuinely commendable. But he has higher standards for himself. He is a god. They, in the end, are only mortals. There’s only so much they can do.

Now that he’s stopped role playing the asshole, Apollo would never say the latter bit out loud. And he doesn’t. But there’s a part of him, a small, secret one, deep down, that is actually thinking it.

“If Will and Nico were here,” he says at one point, “they would just be two more people for me to worry about.”

Apollo believes that he should be strong enough to carry all of this on his own shoulders. That’s how it’s supposed to be. That’s what gods, the ones that actually matter at least, are for. Apollo should be the only one worrying.

The truth is, even with his newly instated policy of emotional honesty, there’s still so much he simply doesn’t tell anyone. Not even us.

Better not add to our worries. Better for us not to know.

And yet, Apollo’s too intelligent to be entirely stupid, and too decent to be entirely unfair.

He does not make the mistake of keeping crucial intel to himself. He shares all of the knowledge he gains, even when he expects it will do more damage than good. He stands by his beliefs, and he believes in people’s right to make their own choice, even if that choice ends up being the choice to run away.

“I can’t fall into line like a good soldier,” Lavinia tells him. “Me locking shields and marching off to die with everybody else? That’s not going to help anybody.”

Apollo understands. He’s never liked mindless obedience and pointless sacrifices either.

But despite how well he understands her, despite how much of himself he sees in her, even – or perhaps precisely because he sees himself in her, despite having witnessed her unwillingness to back down from a fight several times, he’s quick to assume the worst of her, and of her faun and dryad friends too. Of course they must be running away. They’re mortals. Powerless. What else could they possibly do?

“How simple it would be to destroy their fragile confidence,” he thinks, looking at the people making lighthearted chatter in the mess hall. “Fragile” is the word he uses, also, to describe Meg’s state of mind, an assessment so shockingly patronizing, standing in such stark contrast to all the times he’s praised her strength and bravery all throughout the past 3 books, and in this book too, that it almost feels out of character for him.

But it isn’t. This, too, is who Apollo is.

Asclepius, god of medicine, used to chide me about helping those with disabilities. You can help them if they ask. But wait for them to ask. It’s their choice to make, not yours.

For a god, this was a hard thing to understand, much like deadlines, but I left Lu to her meal. (TON 226)

This is a story about power and privilege. Apollo was born a one percenter not just by mortal standards, but by godly ones too. He was always eager to help, and able to give on a scale that dwarfed every possible attempt to give back on the part of anyone on the receiving end of his blessings.

He doesn’t want to think less of them because of it. He refuses to. He took his human son’s advice to heart, so much so that he remembers and recites it reverently millennia after it was first given to him.

Apollo really does believe in mortals’ right to self determination. He keeps telling them to make their own choices. He is determined to respect them. But deep down, there’s a part of him that wonders just how much of a difference their choices truly can make, when they are backed by so little power. There's a part of him, too, that wonders how informed those choices can be, when they are based on so little life experience, so little knowledge compared to his.

He's so quick to dismiss people's good opinion of him. Their willingness to put their trust in him. Even their love.

They don’t know better, a part of him thinks, still, even now. They will turn away the moment I disappoint them.

Turns out, there’s some real condescension under all the fake one. Much subtler, much harder to spot, and entirely benevolent, but condescension all the same.

Are you sure, the arrow said, unknowingly asking precisely the right question for the wrong reasons, that what you really want is to go back to being the same person you were before?

#trials of apollo #toa #toa spoilers #rrverse

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dailycharacteroption · 2 years

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Class Feature Friday: Mutagenist Research Field (PF2 Alchemist Research Field)

(art by vshen on deviantart)

So far, the various research fields of the Second Edition version of the alchemist class have reflected core aspects of it’s First Editon counterpart. Let me assure you, reader, that for the time being that trend will continue.

Indeed it will, for today we are covering the mutagenist field, which reflects the mutagen of the original alchemist, and how a character could specialize in these to become a melee or ranged powerhouse.

As an alchemical item category in 2e, mutagens are much the same as their 1e counterparts, allowing the imbiber to gain a benefit at the cost of a penalty in some other aspect, but there is now a much larger variety of mutagens available now, some of which reflect certain classic alchemist spells or aspects of certain alchemist-focused prestige classes like Master Chemist, making this research field one of the only ways to emulate those abilities in 2e. (Yes I’m still sore about alchemists no longer being quite as semi-magical in this edition).

In any case, mutagenist alchemists dare to push boundaries and experiment on themselves like any good mad scientist, and no doubt their transformative brews have advanced the understanding of biochemistry, but I imagine that many worry that such power will consume them, or that they will unlock some monstrous other self with their brews.

Naturally, alchemists that go down this path start by focusing on various forms of mutagen, and naturally they can make more from just one match of ingredients.

They develop such a buildup of these chemicals in their system, however, that with concentration they can cause a resurgence of the last one they drank, albeit only for a minute.

As they grow in mastery, they can make more and more powerful mutagens with basic ingredients.

Their most impressive feature, however, is their knack for brewing mutagens which can blend together without counteracting each other, allowing them to benefit from two at the same time, though other polymorphing effects can still overwrite them and leave them with the debilitating effects.

Feats that work with mutagens, such as Revivifying Mutagen, Feral Mutagen, Elastic Mutagen, Invincible Mutagen, Glib Mutagen, Genius Mutagen, Persistent Mutagen, Mindblank Mutagen, and Perfect Mutagen come to mind, as well as others that improve their mastery over their elixers.

If you plan on going the self-buffing melee route, this field is the perfect way to start, brewing up various self-buffs and keeping multiple ones on at the same time at higher levels. You’ll definitely want to pick up formulas for healing as well though, since being in melee or other situations that mutagenists often find themselves in often requires healing. Also don’t forget that some mutagens are useful for social or skill situations as well!

Without the master chymist prestige class, it might be tempting to apply the multiple persona aspect to normal alchemists who take this field of study, and that is fine, but I’d also recommend doing some research on dissociative identity disorder and plurality to better understand how to play one without relying on stereotypes, should that be a thing.

Even if you don’t go this route, many mutagens might cause at least some manner of personality change due to the effect they have on the body, so keep that in mind.

Sightings of a frog-like monster spark rumors of a mutant boggard or even a hezrou demon, but in truth, the source of these sightings is a grippli alchemist named Beepo. The young grippli means no harm, as he is just testing a new mutagenic formula, but the unusual appearance of the form risks him being attacked before he could explain himself.

The multiversal legal battle of the age has begun! A foolhardy mutagenic alternate personality of an alchemist willingly signed a contract with philostophus, also known as a contract devil, in exchange for alchemical knowledge. However, the normal persona of the alchemist claims no knowledge of this, and has petitioned psychopomps to argue his case. The party is tasked with recovering the original copy of the contract, which the legal team from The Pit have been loath to retrieve.

Using aquatic mutagens to survive in the depths, the alchemist Rannis has been spending more and more time beneath the sea, studying the creatures he finds down there. However, recently he as grown distant, until he disappears entirely. A look at his journal references hearing “her call”, and studies into how to make the amphibious transformation permanent.

#pathfinder 2nd edition #alchemist #research field #mutagenist #grippli #contract devil #Core Rule Book

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spade-riddles · 3 years

Text

"Adjusting Expectations" Post

This submission received a lot of responses and 120 notes, so I thought I would compile the comments here.

Anonymous said:

Adjusting expectations anon was so good. If their timetables are right and we do just need to be patient a little longer, can Kaylor please send us a sign? I guess it would be too loud to slip "adjusting expectations" into social media posts, but maybe they could both do something with playing cards? To show they are card sharks right now but they'll find their way home eventually? That would reassure people. And it would fly under the radar.

casuallycruel131313 said:

I agree with a lot of this but I think the main issue right now is that moral and ethical lines have been crossed and there's no coming back from that. In these post-Trumpian insurrectionist times it's unfathomable that they could continue the Kushner narrative I no longer care if or when they come out, I enjoy the music and I'm happy to observe from a distance because I'm interested from a PR/marketing point of view but my opinion of T &K as people has changed irrevocably and I don't see how they can clean the tarnish off.

@theprologues said:

Agree with most of not all if this but I would like to say as a Kaylor the toe Grammy stunt didn’t phase me. I was not crushed by that by any means. I just shrugged and honestly expected it. It was the attributing Betty and exile to him during the LPSS in November that bummed me out and really made me go...really?

rockcrow20 said:

Have to say I also agree with most of this.

I no longer have any expectations on anything changing any time soon and have not been surprised by the recent events its to be expected after everything over the years really

Nothing has really changed (bearding narrative wise) since I fell down the rabbit hole in 2017 (except that great night in nashville 2018 rep)

Honestly I can't say I am as invested anymore about them ever coming out as I was.

I think the wb/Joe thing was the last moment for me and the continual kushner connection just troubles me like many others.

I mean my kaylor motto for awhile now has been hope for the best but expect disappointment.

Low expectations = limited feelings of disappointment.

original-cypher said:

@rockcrow20 the WB was a breaking point for so many. You are absolutely right. There are just so ma'y contradictions that feel like absolute whiplash. (I know I seem to have been the only one experiencing that with Gorgeous but... that was a big one for me, too) But like. You go on a whole PR campaign about speaking up and standing up for yourself. You say you're capable and tired of men trying to take ownership of your success and profit off of your name. And you credit you literal damn work to a bloke? Bitch, 'consistency'? Look it up. It grossed me out. It would have felt iffy if I believed they were real. But since I wasn't born yesterday it just sent me the message "this is how far I'm willing to sacrifice my principles to not be queer".

rockcrow20 said:

@original-cypher exactly why it bothered me and I know alot us so much. Such mixed messaging of being a strong fighting for your rights female and then oh hey let me attribute some of my best work to my pr boyfriend and the pr pics where she is walking behind all the time like 🙄 The Betty thing that was big one for me too!

rainbowdaisy13 said:

This write up and the comments are spot on. I don’t have much to add other than like @original-cypher said, Miss Americana is tainted for me now and seems like at the very least, it was released too soon in the plan. I get we think they have had to pivot but man, that doc, and including her literally saying “gay rights make me me” at the end was such a false flag. To see her wax poetic about not taking shit from men anymore and then see her do the same old hetero weak woman song and dance routine with the WB shit for albums that are of her genius mind has been so disappointing. I still believe Kaylor is real and I hope they get a chance to show the world that. Karlie posting that cardigan pic in the woods before the folklore release cemented for me they are still together. Adding a baby makes me feel all kind of weird ethical things but I hope I live long enough to see it play out and wear my I Told You So shirt 😁

@kellykaylor said:

agree with your post... I dont care about toe stunts but what really pissed me of was hetwashing betty 🤮! beautiful post tho anon!!

roameroo said:

Totally agree with these all comments especially the strong messaging of MA only to turn around & pull that WB = my "bf" crap. I was disheartened by her mentioning him at the Grammy's only bc he's getting credit for sh*t he doesn't/didn't do. That is what irks me the most about this, giving him credit for her life's work.

always-the-last-word said:

Can I throw my pennies in the pool ?? Taylor will put out the big three first Fearless, RED then 1989 that should bring us to about August. This is where the excitement should begin. If Taylor preps and waits for National Coming Out day it's a no lose for her. Lover her money making machine will go through the roof !! If things go bad or good in the public eye she'll have REPUTATION Taylor's Version ready to release. It will be epic and she'll own it and be FREE.

@karlie-what-you-want said:

always-the-last-word I like this take a lot! I try not to be too optimistic but if she wanted to come out sooner rather than later, I think this plan would satisfy both business and PR needs (at least on Taylor’s end). Remains to be seen how Tay will help Karlie dig her way out of the mess they made together regarding the K*shners.

always-the-last-word said:

Always remember that Taylor has a PLAN. Some of her plans are year's old (easter eggs). Taylor's one and only LOVE is her music, everything else comes second. If KK wants to change and be with her full time she'll make moves around the same time frame. That's if she chooses to. In any event Tay will be open and own all her music. I've seen this film before and WE might not like the ending.

chosetherose said:

I’ve been going back and forth for a day trying to figure out what I wanted to say when I reblogged this post. I’m tired. I’m frustrated. I understand I’m owed nothing by Taylor or Karlie. I understand that circumstances out of their control have caused the girls to pivot over and over again.

But, the root of my frustration in the past months stems not from me battling with the trivial (e.g. pap walks, etc.) but with my personal principles. I fiercely believe credit should be given where it is earned and I uphold this in my career regularly. To see Taylor crediting Toe with her art was deeply disappointing. Watch the 1989 and folklore acceptance speeches back to back and tell me it doesn’t upset you. I believe the K******s have blood on their hands and that their actions during the pandemic have killed people. To see Karlie still associating with one of them disgusts me.

I can’t help but think back in frustration - Would you really fall from grace to touch her face? (And in the brilliant words of @9w1ft) But would you die for her in public? I go back and forth feeling like questions like this aren’t fair at all and thinking they are sort of valid. At this point, it sort of feels like Taylor would only fall from grace for her lover if all the stars and facets of her life aligned perfectly. But perfection like this does not happen. Such is life. So why am I here?

I do question why Spade left certain messages in their final days. I am still holding hope a fervent revolution exonerates everyone. I so desperately want Taylor to regain control of her masters or re-records. Maybe this is the plan they thought was best with multiple goals in mind (re-records, having a family, coming out of the closet one day etc). I’m trying to remain patient because Spade told us to trust her endless yearning. But WOW it is asking a lot of us at this point.

Anonymous said:

Despite being a pragmatist kaylor and oftentimes getting into arguments with fellow optimistic kaylors (owner of this blog included) I think it's quite unfair -at this point- to say to the optimists who have patiently sat through the worst kind of stunts with the most terrible kind of people (yes I'm talking about the Kushner's friend group too) that they should have seen it coming. Besides, if it weren't for the optimists we the cynicals would have burned this fandom down by now.

Anonymous said:

Even if we ignore that an insurrection happened partially because of the family karlie's still working for and getting paid from, she literally said before the pregnancy debacle unfolded that j*sh was her last client while talking about cutting hair and doing a cutting gesture. How should we have interpreted that? 😤That a year later she would be more stuck with the Kushners than ever? We don't wake up on day and decide to have unrealistic expectations. She feeds into them. 😠

Anonymous said:

I have no expectation of Taylor coming out anymore. Zero. None. I have no expectation of her dropping Toe or even of Kaylor publicly reuniting. It doesn't even matter that much anymore. But I - do - expect 1 thing. Karlie to drop and completely dissociate herself from the Kushners and this has nothing to do with kaylor. It was everything to do with me being unable to support a person who willfully assists (now using her baby too) and receives money from a family that has made so many suffer.

Anonymous said:

A quick word from an ex-kaylor (who will never become an anti). A year ago, when the Trumps were still in power and untouchable and there was no baby, I was excusing and turning a blind eye to many things Karlie did for the K*shners. Even that dinner in September. I had also made peace with the truth never being revealed. But a year later the Trumps are gone, Karlie is still on full stunting mode now with a baby in the mix, a baby that is already being used by the Kushners, and I've really run out of excuses. Now the only thing that could possibly keep me on board is if I knew there was a good chance that the full truth would come out, so that Karlie's inexplicable and honestly borderline immoral actions could eventually make sense. But as your sub said, this is an unrealistic expectation, thus I became an ex-kaylor and I'm not planning to come back even when they reunite. 😕

Anonymous said:

What baffles me is that Taylor has explicitly expressed her regret about not giving her lover the credit she deserves and her doubt whether fame is worth hiding her true love: "when I walked up to the podium, I think I forgot to say your name", "what's a lifetime of achievement, if I pushed you to the edge". But yet again she didn't do anything to change this. I didn't expect her to acknowledge Karlie, but a nod or at least not falsely crediting her beard would be a good start.

Anonymous said:

1🙁 Let me chime in re: "expectations". I'm one of the kaylors who ever since the pregnancy reveal was trying to tell everyone there's NO way she was gonna dump him soon after birth let alone before that. It would bring too much unnecessary attention and Jerk would have never agreed to something that would make him look like a bad guy/husband. For the exact same reasons, I was also saying there's no way he wasn't going to post about the baby. All the above against the popular opinion back then.

2🙁 So I agree that the day of the birth post was known to T, not the timing though. Simply bc Kushner-leaning outlets made sure to note that detail. If they wanted it to go unnoticed, why draw attention to it? That being said, kaylors would have been more patient with this mess, if Karlie hadn't gone overboard with her freedom "smoke signals" last summer and Tay's "insiders" hadn't been insinuating that the end is VERY near. Both of them SHOULD have known by then how we would react to these.

3🙁 So it's natural that everyone feels played and has no patience for any more bullshit. Another sore point is how Jerk AND the Kushner-Trump klan monopolize the baby news. This isn't just to make it realistic, it's an abuse of Kaylor's baby's name to garner good pr for the worst family in America, with Karlie's blessing. In order for her marriage and split to appear realistic she's putting a LIFETIME burden on her child's back. Unless you believe she's eventually gonna say Jerk isn't the dad.

4🙁 So "we’re in a position we should realistically have been able to see coming". But we did see it coming, that why some made these extreme scenarios, bc this is the worst possible outcome. "Good people try to make it work, even in bad relationships." Ultimately this isn't just a "bad rs". It's a horrific association that should have been resolved ages ago, not one to bring your child into, doom it to suffer a similar fate, and expect people to sit idly and watch. That's what frustrates most.

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hermeticimp · 3 years

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Why Social Media Should Actually Be Represented By the 12th House

Hello beautiful people! So, an enlightening conversation with my lovely mentor Ada led me to realize that social media, so often attributed to the 11th house, can be argued to actually be under the lure of the 12th. Shocking, I know, but let me give my reasoning first.

Ada wrote a brilliant article on redefining the 11th house, so please check that out to get a better understanding of what that house represents. I will explain a little about the 12th however. The 12th house represents hidden influences, secrets, escapism, fantasy, dissolution of the ego, and the collective unconscious. It is the yawning ocean that seeks to devour us all… Okay, so maybe not quite that last one, but close enough.

Either way, it is a place where our conscious mind becomes subsumed by our unconscious one. Not it the same sudden flashes of insight and resonance with the 11th house, but like a giant wave crashing over you and pushing you under, opening up a whole new world you never knew existed. Or at least, one you rarely acknowledge does. With that explanation out of the way, let’s turn our attention to social media.

Social media - the innovative method of communication that has entirely changed the way we communicate and express ourselves with one another. It’s where we go to be honest, right? To share our opinions with the world and find people who totally understand where we’re coming from? It’s technology and becoming social with known loved ones and strangers alike! How on earth could it fall under the mysterious, dissociated influence of the 12th?

Well, friends, let’s gaze into the abyss together.

I’ve been a part of the spiritual community for bordering on 4 years now. Tumblr, Twitter, and Discord have been my biggest spaces for finding people I have an affinity with, though Facebook is quickly becoming another niche for me. I’ve watched people come and go with the tides. It’s been bothering me quite a bit lately.

Two common reasons I see are losing the self and burnout. For all the personalization that social media provides us, it’s actually rather depersonalizing. Psychology has told us that social media can be helpful, but it often causes disconnection. From families sitting at tables using their phones instead of talking to each other to people checking their social media as soon as they wake up rather than taking the time to sit with themselves to prepare for the day, social media turns us away from the real world to become absorbed in the virtual one.

That virtual world leads to the creation of a “persona” or character - an avatar to represent us in the subspace. It then interacts with other avatars in this e-world. It makes me think of this scene from one of my favorite anime, Psycho-Pass. It’s this futuristic, cyberpunk world where everyone’s mental health is easily scanned and coded with a hue referred to as the titular “psycho-pass”. The clearer your hue, the better you are. The darker it is, the more likely you are to be taken into custody or even killed for the safety of society. I highly recommend it because it has a lot of amazing themes like justice, civil disobedience, the dangers of technology, and so on.

Anyways, there’s an episode where the lead character, Akane, participates in this online VR space where she and other people are projected into the e-world, dressed up as their respective personas, and interact with each other. There’s a sense of camaraderie...up until a murder occurs. As Akane investigates, she finds that people she thought were friends in this space quickly turn against one another.

While the example is a little extreme, my point is that social media is just like the online VR space - a place where we interact with a small part of a person and not their true selves. That’s not to say that online friends aren’t true or important - I’ve found plenty of great people online - but there is an element of role-playing here that suits the 12th house over the 11th.

The 12th house is ruled by Neptune, the planet of illusions, the arts, and spirituality. It’s a hazy planet that casts a mist over what it touches. Fantasy falls under the domain of this planet as does wish fulfillment. And what is social media if not a way of creating a fantasy where we can escape the outside world? Remember that escapism falls under this house. We go on social media to connect with others, sure, but we also use it as an escape from the reality of our offline lives.

However, Jupiter classically (and modernly co-rules) the 12th house as well. Jupiter is the planet of optimism, faith, expansion, and luck. Each of those is great in moderation, but Jupiter doesn’t know the meaning of that. Thus, overindulgence, grandiosity, greed, and blind faith can all become issues.

Finally returning to how that impacts people leaving social media, the planetary influences of the 12th better reflect what social media is like. People can lose themselves in their persona, being consumed by this side of themselves that becomes larger-than-life.

In the spiritual community, this can happen through people coming to think of you as a divination machine, constantly channeling the Universe to the point where it’s hard to see where the “diviner” ends and the self starts. That’s 12th house energy. Spirituality can consume us on this side of the internet until it’s our entire world.

(Of course, this applies to any community you join in. I’m just using the one I’m most active in.)

Ada, in her article, mentions “ego death” being something social media causes and I find that to be true. I’ve seen people lose themselves so much that they have to walk away to retain any sense of self and/or sanity. It becomes too much (Jupiter) and they have to retreat into themselves (4th house of privacy and getting back to one’s roots) to regain a sense of who they are. They lose themselves in the persona and not always for the better.

With burnout, the above applies, but a recent revelation provided by the lovely Brook Waldorf in her BTS Yoongi reading helped me understand that the issue here is fear and worship. People fight to maintain the perfection and expected output of their persona to the point that they are deathly afraid of disappointing others and losing their spot as the current desired person.

They fight against themselves, pushing themselves to the limit to avoid a fall from grace and to keep from letting down the people who look up to them. While it may work for a while, the lack of self-care can drive them to retreat (4th house) and leave that persona behind to live the life they truly desire. That last statement is where they move into themes of the 11th - the House of Resonance.

While that went darker than intended, I think that presents a good case for social being considered under the 12th’s domain rather than the 11th’s. Feel free to leave your takes below!

#astrology #social media #12th house #11th house #4th house #neptune #jupiter

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