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Anyway if you see this you have to reblog and tag with a delight from ur day -- even the littlest thing counts

#i cleaned my kitchen :)))

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facts

Oh my God please shut the fuck up about OSDD-1 if you don't have the disorder. I don't give a fuck how educated or intelligent you think you are, it's not your fucking place to speak on it if you are neither a professional nor someone with it.

No, NO form of OSDD-1 is "indistinguishable from nondisordered systems" because it's a fucking disorder. Saying the two are ever indistinguishable is ableist as fuck because it is the equivalent of saying we aren't really disordered.

Yes, emotional amnesia is real amnesia. A lot of people with it can't remember the emotions associated with the events, or cannot feel them.

Oh, and amnesia is more than just "forgetting things". Amnesia is memory loss. That can include memory loss over emotions, aka emotional amnesia. That can also include things like being unable to form new memories.

Additionally there are more symptoms to amnesia than just the memory loss itself. There's confusion, inability to recognize or process new things, and generation of false memories.

Stop speaking on my disorder as someone who neither has it nor is a professional on it, it actively hurts people like me <3

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SaD poEtrY TImE

how do i learn to give my love so wholly

when everytime i try all it does is destroy me

it is torture in my suffering to watch those i love

become elated, belated while i tie led to my tongue

they can call my out my fears, they can tell me im a saint

but what would the people do, if they saw how i taint

i proffer my love and people take from it hungrily

not watching how it degrades and tears at me gradually

my heart will break loose of its chains of its shackles

i will sit idly by see how you tear at it like jackals

you will swarm to the ground and you’ll pick up my pieces

shove them in your pockets down your shirt in your breeches

greedy and shallow fingers always itching for more

never choosing to see how i break outside your door

my heart that you craved so desperately so greedily

makes you radiant makes you happy but oh so fleetingly

the pain that its brought stems much much more deeply

for happiness that you use and abuse like its cheaply

if only there were someone who thought my misery mattered

my love can sustain and can give even shattered

how am i meant to give and give and give you all more.

while i am still crying, barely breathing on the floor

i have stopped loving now am but a shell of a man

i have lost my purpose my passion how to begin

to rebuild what i was who i am what i had gave

while keeping myself safe, no more giving til i cave

what if truly loving is just exposing a vein

 how could i tell myselves that the price is worth the pain

#sad poetry #i need a hug #actually i need to give a hug #i havent let myself love in a while #and it hurts just like loving does #but different #poetry ig #i know the syllables are wrong but i like it better this way okay #i also feel like it doesnt make sense but i doesnt need to #i get it #i think #also my favorite line is my heart will break loose of its chains of its shackles i will sit idly by see how you tear at it like jackals #i think thats p solid #good rhyme

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Things That Make Me Doubt Being A System

1. Having Really Good Communication

I haven’t actually ever heard of a system like us in this respect, when we were little we were incredibly empathetic and between all of the christian teachings of ‘Put others first’ and ‘Treat others like you wan’t to be treated’ and in particular Horton Hears A Whos’ ‘a persons a person no matter how small’ we (knowingly or not) became very good at communication and sharing the body. 

We talked to each other all the time and it was not very often (infact literally I only know one(1) alter whose ever fronted fully alone) that we had less that 2-3 of us near the front when we were younger because we relied on each other and trusted each other more than we trusted ourselves. we wanted people to be nice to us all the time so we tried very hard to be nice to people all the time especially each other. This led to alot of trust and respect and very good open communication (though it did break down almost entirely once we found out we were a system and were working on actively achieving what we used to have without trying)

2. Being Good At ‘Co-Fronting’

I hate this one in particular because I’ve seen so many “Signs They’re Faking The Disorder” with this being on of the main ones. 

We managed to get it to an art of fronting, having up to 20 of us aware of what was going on at once, all giving advice and emotional support. we would have at least one soother, one booster (our name for alters who raise the vibe and give high energy) alters who didn't feel, alters who did feel and would be restrained while feeling for the body so we didn't create an outburst or shutdown entirely by neglecting our feelings. Alters who were aware of every surrounding factor physically, alters who would have lists for everything going on in our friends lives so we wouldn’t overstep any boundaries or be ignorant to their feelings, alters who were  incredibly book smart, and alters who were just there to have fun with the rest of us while we were working destress us so we didn’t have to clock out of the front sooner than we could. 

It took years to perfect it and once we did pretty much everything in life became so much easier, some of us consider this ‘functioning-multiplicity’ though in many ways it was very unhealthy it saved so much pain for us, and at the very least, aside from the horrendous anxiety and depression, it made fronting fun. It became something we looked forward too because it was a way to hang out, it made life less scary to be scared with a friend. Even those of us who were unaware of being a system knew to an extent, even if we didn’t know what we were aware of. It also helped our memory having so many alters around to remember and cover each others blank spots.

3. We Can’t Unmask (or a lot of us at least)

(Hi I switched in cuz we got a little dissociated, idk who i am but i know im not whoever was writing before lol) 

Because of how good many of us are at fronting with others, not only do we now find it near impossible to front alone, we have no clue who we are outside of the headspace,,, like ever. In order to fight the disassociation of having so many of us in the front at once we, instead of fighting it, leaned into it. 

We became comfortable with becoming the hazy, mushy, blur that is uncertainty of being in the front. Not knowing where you end or someone else begins or if you even are who you thought you were. Not knowing where you are but having a vague feeling that some part of you does know and trusting it, leaning into the unknown into the mess into the whatever the fuck it is and finding it safe. 

Now when I’m in the front I’m so terrified of being seen that I lean into whoever’s around me to find the comfort of not knowing, I can’t be hurt if I don’t know what hurts or what there is to attack. I don’t know who I am and I don’t know what I’m like in the body unmasked and quite frankly I don’t think I want to know. 

Losing yourself and wrapping yourself in someone else is so much better that being alone and vulnerable

I have a feeling were going to be adding more onto this when others come out and rock up with their own insecurities but for the 2 of us who did write this is probably the biggest things for us

#faking #fake did #did #actually dissociative #dissociative system #im posting this to make myself feel more confident about the fact that i still kinda dont really believe it #were definately faking #idk how #but we are #i need to stop comparing us #throwback to that time i was 5 in class #and my teacher started YELLING #at some poor system in my class #that you cant have voices in you head #and insisted that they cheated becaus ethey couldntve had a voic in their head telling them the right answer #and i asked the voices in my head if they were voices #and they panicked #and said... nooo #were just your brain #yeah thats right #just your brain telling you what to do #everyones brain is like that #and i said aaahh yes of course that makes perfect sense #thanks brain #and they said ur welcom :) #system #did system #i still reckon im making it up tho

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shhhhh this post is very loud

when the host is feeling awful so another alter switches out but they feel awful too so you’re all just switching around trying to feel better and you’re just sitting there like

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Wow syscourse really is just people yelling that they’re right at each other, and that its ‘not necessarily that the other person is wrong but...’ 

Honestly I don’t understand it, maybe endos have osddid maybe they don’t, maybe traumagenics and endogenics experience that same thing maybe they don’t, either way we all need therapy and yelling ‘I’m right, you’re wrong, shut up’ isn’t helping anyone.

Just stop trying to devalidate people over something that you yourself don’t know about/have experience in. It’s not your place and no ones gonna see a post on tumblr that’s telling their identified community what is/isn’t right or what they should/shouldn’t be doing and go ‘Wow I really should listen to this there’s some really good stuff in there’

Just chill out and let everyone be. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

#syscourse #syscourse is stupid #i dont understand #please just be nice #you dont have to be right #and your opposition isnt going to suddenly lay down their sword because you have the better argument #they just get upset and make a new point #or yell at you #probably both #this feels very unnecessary

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I feel like i need to let someone know that the funniest joke i have ever heard was from a 40-year old coworkers facebook and the whole this was

 “ Hi, My names Will, Will Barrow” 

and i laugh everytime until i cry i think im not okay

#will barrow

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Anyways I love you all systems

Especially the ones who get a lot of shit for how you are

I love you large & polyfragmented systems

I love you introject heavy systems

I love you systems with no intention to work towards final fusion

I love you self diagnosed & undiagnosed systems

I love you systems who aren't sure yet what kind of system you are

I love you systems who want to be seen as separate individuals rather than parts of a whole

I love you young systems

I love you nonhuman heavy systems

I love you systems with a lot of lgbtq alters

I love you systems who don't use the more mainstream language to refer to yourselves

I love you systems with no host & with multiple hosts

I love you systems who formed through trauma that isn't as well recognized

I love you systems who feel your system *is* linked to other disorders you have

I love you psychotic systems and systems with MaDD

I love you non-white systems

I love you physically disabled systems

I love you systems who don't remember their trauma at all

I love you systems with complicated identities

I love you systems who do fit in stereotypes about systems, and ones who fit in none of them

I love you systems who are loud about who and what you are

I love you systems who worry you're faking

I love you systems from religious and ethnic minorities (ex: Muslim systems, Jewish systems, Celtic systems, Tibetan systems, etc.)

I love you all <3

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sorry I’m so funny and hot it will continue happening.

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WikiHow to tell your employer that you don’t think you can make it into work today because you are having major PTSD and panic attacks and don’t think that working 8 hours in proximity to exclusively men after dark is a good idea for you at the moment teehee

#Sera #i am tired #guess whos still gonna go in anyways tho #because i need money #and dont feel like thats a good enough reason to not go to work #because capatilism and laziness #permeate my brain and tell me that if i cant its my fault for being weak ahahahahaha

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A person born into capitalism, a system in which virtually all resources are privately owned, must receive permission from property owners in order to access those resources to survive.

Each person must therefore pay a property owner or labor directly for the property owner to survive. Each person is *coerced* into wage labor and market transactions by virtue of *systemic privatization.*

Any property owner could voluntarily allow the propertyless access to resources free of charge. But each owner is *also* obligated into market exchanges to acquire resources not found on their property to survive, coercing *them* into exploiting the propertyless to survive.

I have said it before: capitalism incentivizes psychopathic behavior. If people must engage in competitive profit seeking to survive, they are disciplined by the threat of market failure, immiseration, and starvation into horrific behavior *whether they want to or not.*

Capitalist ideologues will insist the absence of coercion in any given exchange exonerates the entire system. But I have never once been threatened by a cop over taxes, and yet I am still aware that I face imprisonment and violence if I fail to pay on time. The propertyless are well aware of the violence that will face them if they try to use property without permission—without payment, without laboring—even if they’ve never personally been evicted by a sheriff’s deputy.

Capitalist ideologues will insist on treating the system as nothing more than a sequence of discrete interactions with no connection to each other, because no one wants to think *they* would willingly participate in, and perpetuate, a system of exploitation and coercion.

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this makes me want to draw some birbs

Sketchdump of a bunch of chickens and ducks I draw from a livestream on twitch sometimes.

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#hehe stomp stomp #stomp

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I hate orchids

man, I have an orchid Im trying to grow and all the websites say it 'easy to grow' them (which is bs) I have like 20 plants, many of whom are thriving but this, this one fucking orchid just wont.

oh your leaves and flowers are yellowing? well that could be too much OR not enough sunlight, but it cant be direct sunlight because thatll kill it and it cant be in a space with too low sunlight because that will also kill it.

Or if its yellowing it could be too much or not enough water, too much water and the roots rot and the plant dies, not enough and the plant withers and also dies, oh and if your watering isnt frequent enough all of the leaves will split in half die and your plant wont be able to get enough sunlight SO IT WILL DIE.

on top of the fact that it needs 2 pots (one for draining the damp soil into, you only water the inner pot ??) and the inner pot MUST be a specific orchid pot with extra drainage I just spent 10 minutes cutting extra holes into mine because even that wasnt enough, and its own special 'chunky soil' that costs more, you cant 'just water it' it has to be left under running water or (as I only recently found out) a large bowl of water.

I was trying to water it with running water for a while there and it also turns out that if ANY water gets on the leaves you have to wipe it away immediately or it will deteriorate and eat away at the leaf, can be a little hard hard to keep track of when goDDAMN WATERS SPLASHING EVERYWHERE BECAUSE NOBODY TOLD YOU YOU COULD JUST PUT IN IN A TUB OF WATER?!?!

apologies for the yelling I am mad about this.

oh and also if its too hot or too cold (I havent found out exactly what happens if its too hot my rooms a little colder), I know that the cold will also yellow the leaves and flowers and deteriorate the leaves, I currently have big black holes where green should be and its like looking at the exposed nerves of a body, my plant is not okay.

I know all plants have weird and specific requirements and many are similar to the orchid in terms of attention and care needed, but jfc not a single other plant needs this much attention, the only one that comes close is my calathea and shes... doing fine

but somehow regardless of her yellowing, blackening, splitting leaves, slivery dehydrated roots and a pot that has retained moisture for so much longer than it should have, shes, dare I say it, thriving? putting out 2 or 3 new leaves (I take it back I just checked and the other leaf died theres only 1 now), new roots and a new flower offshoot thingy in what i think is quite a short amount of time!

I love this goddamn plant with my whole being I just want it to stay alive but fuck it does not want to make it easy for me, anyways, if anyones considering growing an orchid: dont. or do and be prepared to suffer for it

thank you for listening to my plant ramble!

#orchid #plants #garden #flowers #moth orchid #phalaenopsis #i hate being a plant parent #help #rambles #plant ramble #im so tired #please just be okay plant i tie your wellbeing to my ownnnn

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

i just had an interview and i think i totally flunked it 😎

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I bet Iono has a nendoroid of herself lol

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I woke up this morning thinking i was fine and then my parents dog-walker came around while i wasnt expecting it and i almost started yelling at my mum "who is that why are they here" hid behind the bench having a panic attack until they left then started sobbing and couldnt move for about 20 minutes and then scream cried my entire drive to meet my baby niece for the fisrt time, so yeah id say im having a great day today :D

#panic attack at the disco #did osdd #vibing #my parents also invited them inside why #oh i also called sick into work for it #why do i feel like a failiure for feeling things #ptsd #flashbacks #chill