#and you know what i think part of the reason if because of my schizophrenic symptoms LOL the thoughts have a habit of slipping away.

[violetrainbow412-blog]

Memories [S. R]

Spencer Reid x fem!reader

word count: 4k

summary: the case of the self-appointed Fisher King comes with too many sentimental implications and you discover that you and Spencer had more in common than you imagined.

warnings: mention of mental illness and some trauma

A/N: directly based on 2x01 of the series "The Fisher King" part 2

people who might be interested: @c-m-stuff @no-soy-fer @synthsescape @bella-fics @cynbx (if you want to be removed or added tell me!)

To say that you were worried about the case was an understatement, you were actually terrified of what might happen. An unsub holding a hostage, who was also her daughter, and who knew so much about each member of the team, was worrying in itself. But Elle being in a hospital dying, the case being so tied to Reid's life, and you being so stupidly far from knowing where Randall Garner was, was what made you want to throw up everything you'd eaten during your interrupted vacation.

The team, as always, had split up and throughout the investigation you had stayed with Spencer and Garcia to try to crack the riddle, using the man's brain, the woman's internet find-anything skills, and your vast knowledge of the world of codes and literature. During that period you never believed that the doctor's mother would be involved, much less did you think that she would find herself in the… condition she was in. Throughout the time she was there, he treated her sweetly and calmly, but you couldn't help noticing the discomfort that was palpable in the environment. Not that he was ashamed of her, of course, although you figured he didn't visit her very often and it was obviously not her intention for the entire BAU to find out that her mother was a schizophrenic who was in a sanatorium.

You remembered, hours ago, asking Garcia to let you tell the man that his mother was fine when he requested a plane to bring her to Virginia, and all day you had that conversation etched in your mind like a tattoo on your skin.

"Your mom it's ok" you had said, approaching her desk and leaning on it to look at it "Agents picked her up. She's flying here right now” you completed, although he seemed too amused with the piece of evidence that he had in his hand and then you felt the need to say something else “How are you?”

"I feel kind of dumb, to tell you the truth," he replied. Most of the time he avoided looking at you, but you had already gotten used to it “I forgot she used to always read me this poem. And I think that I should have realized sooner than that”

"Why?"

“Nobody knows things like the fact that JJ collects butterflies except for me,” he said, with a guilt-tinged shrug. “People tell me their secrets all the time. Think it's because they know I don't have anyone to betray them to… except… my mother. I... I tell her pretty much everything”

"It’s fine”

“Do you know that I write her a letter every day?”

"That's very nice," you said sincerely, for the idea of the man carefully writing a letter to tell his mother about the day was a sweet image to imagine.

“It depends on why I write her”

"What do you mean?"

“I write her letters so I won't feel so guilty about not visiting her,” Reid added. If it hadn't been for that case, probably you, or anyone, would have known that his mother was hospitalized and you thought it was completely logical that he didn't want others to find out about that part of his life about him, including that he didn’t visit her. Spencer was always available for everything, always working, always alone in his apartment and now that you knew about Diana you understood why. He waited a moment and then finally made eye contact with you, looking somewhat fearful “Did you know that schizophrenia is genetically passed?”

And when he mentioned that your world fell apart. You understood that this was the reason why he didn't go with her; because he was afraid. You didn't know how to react, at least not at that moment, and you just looked at him sadly, feeling your own heart tighten a little at unfortunate memories.

Although, for work reasons, the talk hadn't gone any further than that, you'd thought about it all along, even now that you were all gathered to put the last pieces together of what you hoped would be a successful puzzle.

"Nevada? So we don't even know what state he's in?” Hotch muttered, already quite frustrated at how fruitless the search was turning out. There was little time left and you all knew it.

“I'll search the tax records, see if he owns any property”

"Excuse me," Diana Reid intervened from the chair next to the blackboard and her son practically jumped to try and stop her.

"Mom, do you know we're..."

“Just before the agents got me from the hospital, a man delivered this to me” she continued, ignoring “It's a photo of a house with an address on the back”

After showing her direction she turned the image and you saw what was a house that looked just like a castle, with illuminated windows, trees around, and a night sky.

“Shiloh, Virginia?”

“That's only 10 miles from here”

"Well, there's no time to waste. Morgan and Reid are coming with me”

"I want to go too," you said immediately. Something about the whole thing gave you a very bad feeling and you wished you could help in any way you could, but you were surprised to see that Spencer was the first to oppose your request.

“We don't want anyone else to get hurt, Y/N,” Morgan added, his voice almost pleading for you to obey Hotch's orders. You were in no position to demand a ride and only agreed because you knew that an argument would only take away valuable time. “We have to get ready. Reid, let's go.”

"I'll be back soon, mom"

"I'll stay with her" you suggested, hastening to take a step towards him, in an attempt to continue your mission to help.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course," you said to reassure him. Diana already seemed quite satisfied with the fact that you were going to accompany her and you still didn't know why “Go. And be careful, please."

"I will" he nodded and immediately went after Morgan and Hotch, the three of them leaving the room to carry out the rescue mission. You had your heart in your hand for thinking about what could happen to them and only the woman's voice brought you back to reality.

"I'm glad you're the one who stays"

"Really?" you asked, somewhat flattered to think that she had liked you within a couple of hours of knowing you. 

"Spencer talks to me about you all the time" she confessed and both you and the other two women present widened their eyes in surprise “He said you like literature"

"Yeah, I'd say so," you muttered, trying to smile at her to hide the nervous wreck you were, partly because of concern for your partners and partly because of what she had just told you.

"He's going to be fine, right?"

By God you hoped so. You didn't know what you would do if he got hurt or… he just didn't come back from there.

"Yes, I promise" you managed to say, as serenely as possible to try to keep your companion calm "And if you tell me about your favorite book? I imagine it will be a good one,” you said kindly, taking her arm and leading her to a couch where the two of you could sit. You knew that part of suggesting the talk was to distract yourself from the bleak outlook and thus kill time until the team returned.

Waiting was all you could do.

Diana had talked to you for a while until she ended up finding it more interesting to write in her notebook so you decided not to bother her, although she left you silent and ready for anxiety to grip you tight. After about an hour JJ herself had come to tell you that Elle was safe after surgery and you swore you could have cried with happiness when you found out. So, the pain that stayed in your chest was just from waiting for news from the three remaining agents and when what felt like an eternity passed without receiving any reports you couldn't take it anymore and apologized to Diana to leave the room. with the excuse that you needed to go to the bathroom. You were confident that she would not be a suicidal or aggressive patient, but you still wanted to hurry to get back to her as soon as possible, and when you had barely walked a section of the corridor you met a gangly figure who was already on his way to look for you.

"Rebeca?"

“She's safe” was the first thing you said, making the knot in your stomach finally dissolve “But Randall died. He blew himself up,” he continued, and you thought you wished you had heard a better outcome, even if the man was a criminal “And my mom?”

"Calm. Writing” you assured him, taking a few steps towards him to get a better look at him. He was dirty and what would later be a bruise could be seen on the left side of his face, but other than that he seemed to be safe and sound. "Is everyone there okay?"

"Yes," he breathed out. It was a relief to know that, it was a relief that things were finally over and that no one had been lost.

“I'm so grateful to hear that, Reid,” you said. You stretched your fingers up to his side and ran the tips over the mark that was beginning to form. "Does it hurt a lot?"

"No," he assured you, with a tight-lipped smile.

"Your mother. It will make her happy to know that you're back" you murmured immediately, and tried to go back the way you had come to go tell him, but he held out a hand to stop you "What's wrong?"

"Do you think I could take a moment before going with her?" he asked you and you retraced your steps to face him, still not letting go of his hand. You nodded and he sat on the floor with his legs drawn up and his back leaning against the wall in an attempt to calm down a bit from the adrenaline rush of all the previous events. You dropped down next to him in the same position and looked at his profile, thinking that if you had something to say, now was the time to talk.

“She told me you talk about me all the time,” you ventured, and he bit back an embarrassed smile.

"You weren't supposed to have found out about that"

"So you say bad things about me?"

"She didn't tell you?"

"No" you answered kindly.

"It's a relief"

“So these are definitely bad things, huh,” you teased, pushing your shoulder against his and seeing him shake his head slightly, too embarrassed to admit what he had written to his mother about you. You were silent for a moment as it didn’t seem that he had any intention of getting up to cross to the meeting room, you spoke again "Do you really not want to see her?"

“It's not that I don't want to see her, it's just that dealing with everything sometimes is so… so hard. You wouldn't understand,” he told you, his voice threatening to crack at any moment. You took a deep breath before opening your mouth to reply and the lonely hallway muffled your words, which were barely a whisper.

"What do you know about Alzheimer, Reid?" saying this, he turned a little to look at you, just in case he had misheard, but he realized that now it was you who wasn't looking at him.

"Excuse me?"

"Alzheimer" you repeated.

"Huh, it's a type of dementia that causes problems with memory, thinking, and behavior," he replied, still not quite sure why you were asking, “It is progressive, which means dementia symptoms gradually worsen over the years, and it is also the sixth leading cause of death in the United States. Live an average of eight years after symptoms become apparent, but survival can range from four to 20 years, depending on age and other health conditions. There is currently no cure."

“Have you ever lived with someone who has it?” you exclaimed and he shook his head. It was easier to look directly at you when you were the one who looked away “There are experimental treatments that reduce symptoms, but none are totally effective, appearing early in life in only about 5% to 6% of people. Although there is no defined cause, the genetic factor can affect you if you had a direct relative who suffered from early Alzheimer's” you exclaimed. He wanted to ask you why you were doing this exchange of information, but he thought it impolite to do so, so he just kept quiet "You said earlier that people tell you their secrets because you have no one to tell them to, but I'm sure it's not because that. We trust you because you are kind, understanding, but above all a good friend who we know will never judge us" you took a moment to take a deep breath again, feeling the nervousness running from the tip of your feet to your head and also to gather something of courage "I personally tell you because I am very afraid of starting to forget them"

It all clicked in Spencer's mind in a split second and he wished he was misreading things, searching your gaze so he could identify something that indicated you didn't mean what he was assuming.

"You…?” he started to say, but the question died on the tip of his tongue.

“It was my father. He was barely 35 years old when it all started, it was with the time he forgot to come to his birthday party. I remember it perfectly, he hadn't been feeling well for weeks due to the stress of work and the company decided to run all kinds of tests on him, without finding anything to worry about, so we just ignored it. But the symptoms recurred: he was disoriented, discouraged, sometimes he became aggressive with the family and forgot plans or things that we had told him. When he almost crushed one of his colleagues with a machine that he forgot that he was working, the company decided to give him a permanent break and we began to worry.

»By 36 it was already a fact that it was the beginnings of dementia. The doctors were surprised by the diagnosis because it is not very common to find the disease in patients of his age and for more explanations that we tried to find, we didn’t find any other. They prescribed a treatment that only kept him calm and it got to a point where it felt inhuman to drug him daily, and about two years after he got the diagnosis my mom decided it was better to put him in a mental hospital.

I was only fifteen years old at the time, but I already understood everything perfectly. I went to see him every day, after school, talked to him, read my homework to him, and we watched movies together, which to a certain extent made his illness feel tolerable. The worst thing at that point was that he asked me to watch the same movie as the day before or that he asked me if I was nervous about the exam I had done a week ago" you looked at the man just to make sure he was following the story, which that you verified with the way he was looking at you; fully attentive.

“Anyway, the years went by and it got more and more complicated. Sometimes a nurse had to remind her of my name and at some point my mother just gave up, probably when my father completely disowned her and started yelling all over the hospital that a woman was harassing him in her room. I continued to visit him, but when I grew up and entered the FBI academy my hours were cut down considerably, so in recent years I only went to see him once a week.

»At 42 my father no longer knew that I was his daughter, he thought that I was a nurse doing social service by keeping him company. He talked to me all the time about his family and sadly told me that neither his wife nor his daughter had been to see him for a long time, but I assured him that they had both asked me to tell him that they loved him very much and that they would go soon” silent for a moment, careful not to burst into tears, and prepared to finish the story “He died during my first year as a BAU agent. I saw his decline over the years and even at the end I think he left thinking that his family had abandoned him. I don't talk to my mother anymore, because I think she feels very guilty about me for having left me all the burden of taking care of my father. But every day I feel at peace with myself because despite how painful it was to see him, I never left him.

»Many times I cried before entering the hospital and when leaving, thinking that I had to pretend to be able to spend a moment with the person I loved the most and who was now only a ghost of what my father once was. And it was terrible to look at it and think that this was my future, even to this day. They say that reading is a good exercise to reduce risk and that's why I always carry a book wherever I go, that's why I always want to do new things and that's why I strive every day to solve our cases because I don't know when the last. I have gone to specialists who have told me that there is nothing to worry about and that, if I have it, Alzheimer's could last until I am an old woman, but even so I am afraid every day.

If I really get sick and manage to get old, the most likely thing is that I will end up in a sanatorium, but right now what is worth it are the things I do every day. I'm scared, yes, but it's worth fighting for if I can help people in this job and especially if I can live with people like you.

I know you said that I wouldn't understand, but the truth is that of all the people in this building I can assure you that I am the one who can do it best. I know that you can't bear to see her because you are afraid of ending up with her like her and that at the same time you are so worried that you take the time to write everything about your life to her. I'm probably boring you with all this stuff that you never asked me to tell you, but I just wanted to tell you how important it is that you be with your mom. And more than doing it for her, do it for you.

I would only give you one piece of advice, which you can decide to take or not: don't waste your time, Spencer. Your mother loves you very much, go and talk to her, accompany her, listen to everything she has to tell you and forgive her faults if there are any. Because you don't know about her when it may be the last time you see her, either for your health or for hers”

There was total silence. You hadn't noticed until that moment that your cheeks were already wet from crying and you still didn't dare to look at his face. No person knew that part of you, because after your father got worse you had decided not to talk about it with anyone, so you could say that you were practically giving your heart to that man bruised by the mission a few hours ago. Suddenly you thought that perhaps you had talked for too long or that for him it had no relevance and he had only stayed to listen to you because he was not rude enough to leave you talking to yourself. But while your head was drawing the wrong conclusions, something you never expected happened: Spencer extended his hands to you and wrapped you in a hug.

It only took a bit of effort to make their bodies fit perfectly and he clenched the fabric of your knitted sweater in his fists, tucking his head into the crook of your neck to allow you to lean yours against his golden hair. It was as if all the time you had been destined for that particular moment, fused in that embrace that communicated everything that words could no longer express.

He wasn't the person who loved physical contact the most, all of you had noticed that, so hugging him was totally new to you. The feeling of peace that this brought you had no comparison point and the softness of his body covered you completely.

“I had no idea,” he murmured, the sound of his voice muffled by your skin. And Spencer was being completely honest, because he didn't even imagine that you could fully understand him after having lived through such a tragic story. He had understood many things thanks to your story and he was eternally grateful that he had felt the confidence to tell him something like this, so he also thought that maybe it was his turn to be honest with you "What my mom said is true, I always talk to her about you. I tell her that you are the sweetest companion I have ever had, that you always pay attention to me, and that you make sure that I feel comfortable wherever we go. I tell her that you are strong, that I want to be half as brave as you, and I also tell her that I have never felt affection and gratitude for someone as I feel for you, because you have made these two years different from any other time in my life” his words, whispered so close to you and drenched in so much love, only intensified your tears "And as long as my conscience remains intact, I assure you that if I need to remind you of all the secrets you have told me, I will do it"

That, more than a proposal, was a declaration of pure love that promised to reach many years into the future.

"Maybe we'll even end up in the same sanitarium, you and me, huh?" you exclaimed, with a slightly joking tone "And so I will have the opportunity to know your wonders again every day"

You felt on your neck that you managed to get a smile out of him and that made you smile too. That's when he pulled away so he could look at you.

“I think that… I will go with my mother back to Nevada. I guess we both deserve it, don't you think?" he told you and you nodded with a small smile. He didn't want to leave your side, but you got up first and held out your hand to help him do the same.

“She still has enough lucidity to tell me what your favorite food is. Maybe you should eat with her on the plane” you suggested. You didn't want to rob him of any more time he could spend with his mother, so you just wished him luck and started walking in another direction.

"Y/N, before you go" he called out to you. You were already a fair distance away, but it was enough for you to still speak in a small voice. "You know you're not alone, right?"

You smiled as he looked at you with those eyes that only showed sincerity, and you wished you could encapsulate that moment for eternity.

"I know" you replied calmly "And I trust that now you know it too"

#spencer reid #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid x reader #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfic #dr spencer reid #matthew gray gubler #aaron hotchner #derek morgan #jason gideon #JJ #penelope garcía

[deargodhelpmeaaa]

Ranking my most noteworthy fictional crushes out of ten

Squidward

Look at this man. Look at his features. Isn't he just completely irresistible? I "fell for" him in in ninth grade and it was initially a joke bc I was obsessed with him since I had a friend who'd always talk Spongebob with me and despite never having watched it I enjoyed discussing it and thought Squidward sounded like an endearing and funny character. I'm not sure if this was completely ironic or not anymore and I'm scared.

6/10

Jon Arbuckle

We are off to an amazing start here, aren't we? Okay, so I just have a thing for pathetic men. And Jon is that. He is a beta male. He is a loser. He is sad. I want to say my "crush" on him developed when I read the comic Garfield Minus Garfield- a comic which I found interesting. I liked seeing this portrayal of the character- someone lonely, mentally unstable and possibly schizophrenic. Also when you boil it down, all Garfield is about is a mentally ill man ranting to his cat about his problems and his cat secretly doesn't give a crap, but he doesn't know because it's a cat who can't talk (iterations where he can hear garfield are dumb and lame unless there's a good reason for it). I love Jon, I am a Jon defender, and I argue he is funny and a cool guy.

8/10

Waylon Smithers

Undeniably the most regrettable fictional crush I have ever had, and sadly the longest lasting and most influential as well. My crush on Smithers lasted all the way through high school and my first year of college. My thirst for him- seemingly invincible. The worst part is, I'm not even completely over him. If I watch the show again without cringing at jokes I quoted badly, I can still see myself getting a little you know... when he shows up. So, what is his appeal, might you ask, why do I like him? Wimp. Wears glasses. Sadboy- he loves someone who doesn't give a crap about him. Something about his unrequited love seemed relatable to me. I also found his submissiveness attractive and he is what introduced me to the idea that a nerdy sadboy who does as I say is actually kind of really sexy. He's also the last nice person on this list. I found his sweetness appealing and for a while this made me think I only liked sweet boys. How wrong I was...

4/10. Would be 0 but he gets extra points because of how important he was to my development as a person. Low because I regret how I acted during this phase of my life. (too loca)

MEDIC

I literally got the game just for him and main him because I think he's hot. He looked like this stern, no-nonsense Atticus Finch-like medical guy who would yell at me in German for being a bad girl and I was into that. Then I played the game, watched the videos, read the comic and fell deeper in love. This guy was not that stern angry guy I thought he was at all. He was a cool guy and all nonsense. Funny, crazy, deeply invested in science, with what appears to be no regard for human or animal life- yet still somehow having a caring side which we see with how sweet he is to his doves- also I love doves too, omg! And he's still definitely the one that would be wearing the pants in this relationship, so the main appeal remains intact.

10/10

Duckman

Hey, what the hell are you staring at! Listen, you're not my dad and I have no control over who I find attractive, so shut up. I watched this show and I just saw this guy and I was like... whoa. Okay. That's... that's a man alright. A duck man, sure, but a man nonetheless. He had it all. He was pathetic, smoked heavily, rude, a goober, horny, impulsive, wore glasses... and was a massive loser, yet he has this strange charm about him that you'll notice if you don't take him too seriously. God, I just want to humiliate him. He's into that, by the way- it's literally canon in the show. He also was my first foray into what I like to call "angry ranting men" which is, well, a type of man who rants about random things. Okay, okay, I get it, ranting=bad whatever. But personally I see a strong appeal in rants. A rant is an unfiltered speech about a topic which one holds strong passion for. It is a glimpse into an insane mind, sure, filled with nonsense, with the occasional valid point made. I enjoy listening to rants because it lets a man let loose and just go wild.... and in a way, it is quite cute! Even if he is completely wrong in every way. I still enjoy listening, wide eyed with a glass of some drink in my hand I can't even drink because I'm kept on the edge of my seat by this strange speech. Also, this character has a good side to him. Like we see he loved his wife and loves his kids, and when he opens up to the women he meets, we see that he really isn't so bad of a person after all. I love this about him, and it is a crucial part of his appeal on top of everything else I've said so far.

7/10 because even I question this one sometimes. But not that much.

George Costanza

He's disturbed, he's depressed, he's got it all! Completely just the most pathetic man on television. An insecure, self absorbed little loser. I love him. He's so weak and he makes me so weak. He also looks really cute sometimes- is this just me? I want to do things to him >:) I think I have this thing where I am attracted to horrible men because I want to give them a better life, as I see myself in them, and boy do I see myself in George. We're both the same little cowards at heart, I think. I think we all have a little George in us. I just want... a lot of George in me. Ba dum ching! I should note that this savior complex mostly applies to fictional men... Irl I would just want someone who I could scare with my freaky boldness and have open up to me a little bit, and be there for. Like some cute Christian boy who is afraid of everything and hates himself for no reason. I don't really have much more to say, since I haven't watched the show in months. Also the last entry literally has the same actor behind him. Do I have a thing for Jason Alexander? It's very possible.

solid 8/10. Not a 10 because I'm worried about myself.

Filthy Frank

In my defense, I also have a crush on Joji so it's okay. But this is a list of FICTIONAL characters and I can't help myself. That's right, y'all, Franku is fictional and if you didn't see that who are you? Now I want you to think about everything here that has been established. I like horny men, losers, ranters, men who are bad with women, and men with ego problems (and then there's just Medic who is the exception to every rule here). Frank is all of those things. He is also completely depraved and has no inhibitions which I also find appealing. When you think about it, he's basically just a really concerning version of a bad boy. He's obviously not someone to admire, and I don't admire him at all. He's a joke. I laugh at him, not with him. I don't agree with most of what he says but if I knew him personally, I would gleefully listen to his insanity, while secretly going "yea no." I also just think he probably is into some weird stuff like.... in the bedroom and that is hot to me. I want to make him cry. Do I want to give him a better life? Not really to be honest. He doesn't really deserve it. I guess he's nice to the lycra people, though, and the book Francis of the Filth gives him a little bit of an arc where he becomes a better person and stuff, and there are kind of hints at him having something resembling a capacity for compassion (mostly in the lore) despite being disgusting and generally amoral, which again, is very important to the appeal. I also find him weirdly charming. If he was a real guy we would get along I think, even if he'd be an asshole to me sometimes and I'd even get fed up with him sometimes- he probably might think I'm cool if I choose my words carefully. Oh, right also he's just hella cute. I know he makes weird, creepy faces and is trying to look like a 45 year old Algebra Teacher who hates his life, but like, that just makes him even cuter to me. And I don't mind the throat cancer voice, either. It's cute, too. He's got this weird, undeniable charm to him that definitely contributed to his success and iconic status. So, sure, he makes weird noises, he's a terrible person, and all, but like... he's also cute and I'd probably try to pry into his sensitive side (which when you think about it, does exist) if he was real. I mostly just like him because he's a stupid, silly bisexual (re-watch the videos; it's true) who wears glasses, though.

My tastes in men are fucked.

8/10

My prediction for my next crush is some asshole from Catch 22 but probably the Chaplain.

I am allowing this list to be used as evidence for the decline of women.

#squidward #spongebob squarepants #jon arbuckle #garfield #Waylon Smithers #The Simpsons #medic tf2 #team fortress 2 #duckman #seinfeld #george costanza #fictional crushes #husbandos #filthy frank #francis of the filth #papa franku #catch 22

[calder]

your enoch / mark post lives in my head all day every day bc i’m mildly obsessed w the book of enoch and i’m really interested in how you’re relating apocalyptic text to fallout - i don’t know much abt the games except for nv but i’n interested what lead you to connect texts like enoch to fallout n is dee’s system part of this framework/interpretation?

(i don't know what dee's system is offhand)

ive struggled with how to answer this. i think it is largely that i found the text so movingly beautiful even as it was wrong with every assertion. it is the manic scrawlings of a schizophrenic person, pseudopigraphally attributed to an antidiluvion, and purported to be the The First Book. the text is relentlessly vivid and evocative.

he'll spend pages rambling about how the sun orbits the earth and the moon is a woman, then left-turn into vague call for violence or attempts to describe the undescribable. i think this is my favorite part

1. Wisdom found no place where she might dwell; Then a dwelling-place was assigned her in the heavens. 2 Wisdom went forth to make her dwelling among the children of men, And found no dwelling-place: Wisdom returned to her place, And took her seat among the angels. 3 And unrighteousness went forth from her chambers: Whom she sought not she found, And dwelt with them,  As rain in a desert And dew on a thirsty land.

while i cannot even comprehend Enoch's position, much less agree with it, i am rocked by the scope and beauty of the author's internal life conveyed by the text.

i was already using the phrase "fallout apocrypha" to describe my area of interest. the beauty inherent to people disagreeing about how fallout works & making shit up

i'd like to share my favorite piece of fallout fan art with you. the original post seems to have been blanked by tumblr for some reason. this is quick redraw of an old indigenous Benny concept I drew by Frank Odlaws. his later comment regarding the work is included as a readmore.

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odlaws: " this was all left in the notes as reply to someone asking why he is speaking spanish if he is native but the context for this comic is that Benny is schizophrenic native american from a mexican tribe “my hc for benny is tailored to my own heritage for self indulgent reasons lol, so in this he is based on my people, which is an indigenous tribe in mexico, i hc that he isnt connected to the actual native language of his people, only the spanish they were forced to assimilate to in mexico just like english in america, and just like many native american mexican people lose touch with their tongue after generations of forced assimilation i sort of figured people would just know but thats kind of foolish of me lol, my people are the purepecha people, who have a long history of exploitation and forced assimilation as well as a running trend of people trying to break from the communities to find better lives because of how actively our communities are suppressed and exploited through actively violent means, history of revolution and communities trying to take law into their own hands even to this day which i think is pretty fitting for bennys arc in the comic and narrative of the game, seeing his story go from abandoning his “tribe” (what nv refers to as tribes lol) in search of dignity and security, and the whole quest to take things into his own hands to take the land, acting as if its rightfully his, feels alot more powerful when seeing it through the lens of a native man whos lost access to the pride of his people and history only seeing the desperate remnants of his once thriving community, where that idea of power and dignity seems so distant and foreign it almost feels like fantasy, the catholic imagery that follows his design also is very in line with my people, who created an entirely unique sort of image of Catholicism after it being so forced upon us they created an image of their own native religion thru the catholic lens as a means to continue our reality without fear of punishment”

#fnv #benny gecko #scripture #meta #v13

[schizopositivity]

Hello hello– someone on the schizophrenic-spec here– I've been struggling a lot / flogging myself for struggling with basic hygiene.

My question / ask is primarily; is this struggle.. common? I suppose is the word? Like is it something others on this spectrum deal with? And if so– why? ( Knowing the why's often helps me figure things out and work through them is all )

And additionally; a positivity post in regards to bad hygiene and not being "lesser" for it? Perhaps?

( Apologies if this is accidentally a vent btw. )

The struggle is common, and is often seen as a result of the negative symptoms of schizophrenia.

Usually it's thought to be caused by our avolition (lack of motivation to complete basic tasks like taking care of hygiene). It could also be that executive dysfunction (trouble organizing thoughts and actions, and getting distracted) is common amongst schizo-spec people. Also since depression is common in schizo-spec people that could also contribute to lack of hygiene maintenance (like not thinking you are worth it or not seeing a point in it, or again lack of motivation). And for me and my schizophrenia, I have trouble reading ques from my body when it tells me to do things, so sometimes I need to be reminded by others when to eat, brush my teeth, use the bathroom, wash my clothes, etc. Also for hygiene things like the dentist, it could be because the reasons I listed in my post about how it can be hard for schizophrenic people to go to the Dr. for treating their physical health.

It could be any of these reasons or a combination of them, either way it is very common for people on the schizo-spec to struggle with hygiene. It's okay to struggle with this and it shouldn't be seen as a flaw of the person with it. It's just another part of their disorder.

Although I do think working on improving hygiene for schizo-spec people is very important. A lot of routine hygiene is to prevent problems in the future like tooth decay, infections, fungus, and plenty of others. I'd never blame the individual for these eventual problems, but I do think it's important to be aware of the possible repercussions and if possible, work on avoiding them. Maybe by googling "how often should I _" and then setting reminders in your phone. Or doing what you can at the moment like "I don't feel like showering today but maybe I can wash my feet and face and armpits in the sink" or "I can't brush my teeth but I think I can use some mouthwash".

It's not something anyone should see as "gross" or a moral flaw, it's just another symptom in a disorder that you can't control and didn't choose. The mentality that unhygienic people are less than comes from centuries of classism, racism and ableism. It's never the judged individual's fault, it reflects more on the person with the prejudice to judge. It doesn't matter if you can't afford hygiene products, are seen as inherently unhygienic, can't maintain hygiene because of physical or mental disability, it's never your fault for being judged for it. Even if it does lead to health issues in the future, that's still not worthy of being judged. And also no one is better than you for being hygienic, that comes more from privilege than from hard work or moral righteousness.

This has been a struggle for me, especially mentally to not see myself as gross for not being able to maintain hygiene. It's been a long journey of unlearning bias, and seeing what is best for me, and not best for other people. I try to balance it out like being really proud of myself for flossing and brushing my teeth one day, yet not being mad at myself when I don't have the energy to floss and brush my teeth another day. It's just another thing I have to think about, that others might not have to.

#sorry didnt mean for this to be so long #but i honestly feel like theres way more i can say on the topic #there is research out there on the schizophrenia and hygeine struggle connection if you are interested in reading more #answered #mental illness #nd #schizophrenia #neurodivergent #schizophrenic #psychosis #actuallyschizophrenic #mental health awareness #pseriouslypsychotic #hygiene

[youabandonedthem]

hey @ottiliere i ilke your dirk au i hope is ok that i put some of my headcanons into it. in my comic slick gets dragged to the psych ward so i thought a crossover where they meet would be awesome.  if you keep reading here is some of my speculation on what they could do together

 in this roommates scenario it is impossible for dirk to really ignore him like he can do with other patients. and if we say in a context where they're not both being tormented/put into comas by seroquel something very interesting can happen .

like even if dirk is rude and irritable and deliberately tries to get him to fuck off tihs is obviously not off putting to slick in the slightest. for multiple reasons. one because hes a rough mobster and thats him but mostly in this scenario he's like "ok fuck it im in the nuthouse for the time being and it's injustified and the people here are gonna be a little quirky but there is a chance they share my situation." the other patients are scared of/used to slick (they know who he is) so they pretty much ignore him if he tries to preach his truth or talk them up. or like i can see some entertaining his need to chat but just saying stuff like "sure Slick.." "yeah..." trying not to encourage his insane thoughts. so he eventually stops bothering/trusting them since they dont get it. the rest he has deemed too actually crazy for his company. e.g. he meets another schizophrenic individual and they have DIFFERENT "beliefs" or they have hallucinations so hes like get away from me psycho. (his diagnosis is FAKE!!!) hes caught on to the fact that the more he talks to the nurses the longer he has to stay. so hes so fucking bored and has had no one to REALLY talk to outside of occasional crew visits for a while now. so once dirk arrives he would take an extreme interest in both him and little cal and try to take him under his wing because hes pretty much just a kid who simply "did not draw the best cards" in slicks eyes. And i think while he's talking at dirk and sharing things such as the BULLSHIT reason hes there... random details about his life...a mutual interest could possibly begin once he learns that this completely schizo ass carapace bug man is a crimelord mafia boss. plus it possibly appeals to him that slick doesnt seem to mind his "mannerisms" . plus slick starts teaching him how to game the nurses so he can get out faster

they can possibly...sort of... bond over self harm although they do it for very different reasons. slick does not care about cutting his skin open to prove a point but essentially he thinks nothing of things like cutting any part of his body open using various tools just to achieve whatever goal he thinks it will solve. he doesnt like pain but doesnt flinch very hard . I think if he sees dirk having successfully found a way to cut his wrists in the room he would watch and htink "this kid is fucked" but not intervene or report besides probably asking him wtf hes doing the first time. if dirk gives him a rude or non - answer he just asks him how hes planning to hide it from the nurses. after that he accepts it and hes like ok sure. (addendum slick just angrily tells him to knock that shit off unless he wants to stay in crazy town for another month. he starts treating it like he treats droog smoking ...knocking the razorblade out of his hands etc. i am not sure at what point hed stop bothering. i think it is a matter that hed BEGIN bothering once he starts thinking dirk needs his help..perhaps in the first/second instance he did not intervene) BUT if he saw dirk slamminghis head on the wall he would be like heey the fuck? whoa whoa whoa thats your brain case kid are you trying to go retarded? he begins feeling responsible. (it is them vs the Nurses and Doctors in this sick sick building) also i think dirk would just do these things in the room once hes assessed that slick (at the bare minimum) wouldnt tell on him. this is after theyre all buddy buddy . Mostly i'm talking about slick's end as to present it with the knowledge i have and not make any DIRK ASSUMPTIONS !

theyowuld possibly even help each other try to escape they could even fucking succeed ...slick would fashion lethal weapons for both of them out of various shit he found/stole and dirk would take one although i dont think he would use it .slick would be showing him stabbing motions using his shank and dirk can teach him his dirk tricks . They would make it together and get to the outside world and never see each other ever again. this is really the circumstance of two completely unrelated characters put in the same cage and forced to work together. but i think it would work

dirk would really be the one trying to tolerate slick for a long time before he warms up to him a little if at all . slick is so fucking lonely that he doesnt care what the fuck dirk does plus hes way older so he has control of the dynamic really. maybe his crude earnesty appeals to dirk but hes also overly aware how insane and delusional slick is but they do form this alliance. i am also thinking they could have some "art" connection which would be honestly kind of cute and funny if dirk is drawing very IRONIC offputting work for a bit and if slick were to be present he would gesture to take his pen andthen casually draw huge boobs/COCK and/or a really shitty caricature of dirk onto the page with emphasis on his huge bleeding wrists and the glasses. I think this would be a defining moment that is literally only ever possible in this context ever . it is a testament to their trapped animal mentality.

Hypothetical drawing by slick

basically it is like arranged marriage. theywouldnt even give each other the time of day or look at each other more than a few seconds if they were not roommates in crazy town. PLUS slick has been trying to be a good boy unlike dirk so maybe he has more privileges eg pointy objects so he could enable dirk to draw in the first place. or he steals the pen for him. also slick would be stealing dirk extra pudding cups from the cafeteria (he just grabs them off of other peoples trays) upon seeing how horrifically bony he is. hes like: kid youre scrawny as fuck. anyone feed you at home? and i dont think dirk would have any response to this question he would turn away and stop talking to slick.

the topic of interest: their viewpoints of each other and what their relationship could actually be...defined as. there is much to consider here. if this narrative had one ultimate point to display i think that it would be the nature of transient relationships. and this showcases a lot the disparity of their different perspectives. (below) 

>slick's pov. obviously he knows the ways of this world and a good idea of the relations he has and wants to keep unlike dirk. he has nothing hed label as a"friendship" but he has deep connections. let's say his age range translated to human terms is mid - late 30s not for official purposes but like experience/maturity(?) wise. (i debated whether he could be entering his 40s but slick is not that mature really... 40s is like settling down wife n kids. at least this works for this specific instance) obvy he is still a triple digits age chitinous bug creature. ANYWAY... at first dirk is just some kid whos providing him entertainment in this dull schizo jail. but he realises they can help each other out here. (the event that prompts this is probably when dirk tries to fight security and gets bootyjuiced) it's reminiscent of the karkat alliance ...they have a common goal which is gettingthe fuck out without any setbacks. slick possibly had an escape plan (serpentine like his heists) in the midst of hatching prior to dirks arrival but you see he has a 'crew' mentality. the only plan he came up with is missing a vital second person to help carry it out. (or he had a really shitass solo plan with a small chance of working out that he was going to try if he got DESPERATE. the key thing is he wouldn't want to do anything he thinks wouldnt work because again he specialises in heists which NEED to go well with everything accounted for. but he was honestly on the verge of trying it...until dirk came along and changed his life)

but like hes still not exactly 'using' dirk he does connect and see value in him as a companion due to all the aforementioned scenarios and this is why he chooses him as the worthy candidate for his PLAN. this is what causes him to feel that 'responsibility' for him i would think. not through any kind of paternal instinct but the same obligation that caused him to try to comfort karkat that one time when he was crying (and then start slapping the shit out of him). i mean i dont want to call it paternal...but he realises that he is THE adult in this situation and the only one 'in charge' of this kid in a way. also hes uncomfortable with displays of emotion/mental illness so if his most basic awkward attempt to fix it doesn't work he just starts using force (as displayed in the karkat example). this would encapsulate his reaction towards dirk self harming. ok the point is he sees it like this: they are together to help each other. and then it's a done deal. then they'll both fuck off to their 'normal lives' he figures. if he ever saw him agian of course hed be like oh its that kid. fuck was his name...Dick? but that's really it for slick. nothing deeper. now DIRK ON THE OTHER HAND... 

>DIRK MODE. it is not really that he 'hates' people and people hate him there is more like an absence of meaningful connection. or connection altogether. his friend is a doll . if this is the first time in 20ish years anyone has actually shown they respect him as an equal this encounter is going to impact him for the rest of his life. and not only would he likely use slicks treatment of him as his baseline for future possible relations but he would also become sort of obsessed with him after this whole thing is done.he has literally no one else. like maybe he doesnt even realise it at first until theyve parted ways and he goes back to wherever he lives and hejust sits there with little cal and little cal does not talk back to him. and it hits him. it's like the dark gritty version of the hero's journey..he went to the other world and was given a tool towards realisation. and now hes just back in his shit reality . but it is important that obviously this singular encounter cannot undo anything he learned over 20+ years. but he got a taste of something novel that he thought only existed for other people.(?) or was played up for fiction even . but it was real. he knows slick was crazy and did awful heinous crimes for fun. but he was nice(?) to him and helped him and wanted to be around him . there is really nothing that will be able to change his mind about this.

hegoes through life that is identical to what he had before the psych ward and whoever he encounters treats him the same uncaring way as they did before (or potentially worse/with more pity or judgment if theyre aware of his stay) and this time he thinks about how slick didnt judge him for anything and actually cared about him . he did not stare at his arms with fear/pity like other ppl do. everything what slick did for him gets played up in his mind. the brand of pudding he stole for him sticks out at the store. he sees unabashed schizo shit online and it reminds him of slicks occasional rants. he sees criminal activity reported in the paper and wonders if it was slick's crew (he mentioned the existence of his crew...Or imagine if it was visiting time and slick brought dirk along to meet them at one point...this cna be expanded on) 

i feel like this may help lead him into a dangerous situation in the future depending on how it develops. ok another important factor is slick's age relative to him. dirk possibly hypothesises that slick is around the age of mister dave.(this can mean something if you want it to) PLUS any other actual adults who were in his life (teachers..dave...anyone else) just treat him completely like a child. this could result in something interesting..the way that slick regarded him as an equal (at least in dirks perception) and was way older. i think whatever he takes away from this will fuck him over.

additionally i think it is possible he couldget desperate again for what the psych ward symbolised for him and he pulls a supremely bad suicide attempt that is guaranteed to fail for literal attention. he gets warded again but of course slick isnt there and hes just alone there like in original dirk psychward context. except this time he completely feels the emptiness. and hhis radical attempt try to attain it again just didnt work.

but i also think a second chance encounter years after this incident would truly highlight the differences in their mentalities . based on my dirk knowledge  i think he would not try to show any feelings and regard slick very casually even though his mind would be on the verge of collapse . a lot would depend on the span of time and what happened in between ofcourse and if he was given the opportunity to meet...anyone else... or develop any more social skills at all. additionally i think what your expertise would know the answer to is if he would try to seek out slick deliberately and to what degree. also if the second meeting happened and it was shitty i think hed just go kill himself. like hed buy a gun so it would work this time. it is also up to your discretion how dirk thinks slick remembers him in a direct selfaware comparison to how he regards slick. maybe he would be realistic/self deprecating about it i mean it would make sense because nobody else truly values him and he probably figures that this extends to even his psych ward saviour.

So ya idk just some thoughts let me know wat you think

#slickdirk #hospital dirk #spades slick #dirk strider #homestuck #au #cool #self harm #crossover

[drowninginredink]

Hi! It's me, autistic Chosen anon.

Firstly, I appreciate it that you took the time to share more of your experiences with me. I've actually read your reply multiple times now, and I have to say, it's very sobering. Especially in the sense that I recognise so much of it.

Just one(1) personal example, the part where you talk about already fixating on delusional thought processes as a kid. I did that too! Except in my case it developed into mood and anxiety disorders as I got older, instead of overt psychosis. Look, I already had compassion for psychotic people of all types, because life simply dealt you a very difficult hand. But it also felt like something distant from me. And it really isn't. You were right. We're not that different at all. ALSO, as we're seeing more and more of these overlaps and interconnections between all kinds of diagnoses, I think there's A LOT to be said about the approach of the psychiatric field as well as the neurodivergency and mental illness communities...

That being said, cheers to you, my fellow in neurodivergency, and thanks again!

Oh Jesus, do not get me started on my issues with diagnoses. I thought about going into it in that reply and I was like "you know what? Too complicated, too personal, and too much baggage." But if you're bringing it up? Let's go.

So. I am not actually diagnosed with schizophrenia. My official diagnosis is "other specified schizophrenia spectrum or other psychotic disorder." I think you can see why I simplify to schizophrenia. But also, I was not diagnosed by the actual DSM criteria. I was diagnosed by a research clinic attached to a university that is trying to get the criteria for various psychotic disorders changed for the DSM-6, and to get their own evaluation to become the standard instead of the current ones. The thing is, their evaluation is much stricter than the current criteria. By the DSM? You need to fit at least 2 of 4 categories of symptoms (which I do). By this clinic, you need to have all 16 of 16 of their categories of symptoms. The last time they evaluated me, I had 11 of 16. If I were evaluated by other clinicians? They'd just diagnose me as schizophrenic. In fact, I've explained this to other medical professionals and had them say, "what? 11 out of 16 is definitely enough to be schizophrenic? You definitely don't need every symptom?" So as much as yes, I do not have every classic symptom and my schizo-spec experience is non-traditional... There's a reason I have no problem just calling myself schizophrenic these days.

The clinic very much is doing that thing where you try to solve a problem and end up creating new problems. The problem is that a lot of people have what are called sub-threshold psychotic symptoms. Basically, psychotic symptoms without ever going into a state of actual psychosis, or completely disconnecting from reality. I personally am not convinced that there is a hard line between experiencing symptoms and having "actual psychosis." Like, these therapists say I have never had real, full psychosis, but I have been pretty goddamn delusional. I sure wasn't functional! I was out of school! I was constantly fixated on my delusions! I was in a state of severe distress! And the onset of my delusions was a pretty sudden thing to the point that I can tell you the exact date and time. It was my birthday. Lucky me. Anyway. Point is. There are a lot of people who experience these symptoms who, unlike me, will never reach the point where anyone would diagnose them as schizophrenic. Right now, they are slipping through the cracks because there is no diagnosis to give them. There is a push to treat them, but coming from the idea that people with these symptoms are in the early, pre-psychosis state of schizophrenia (the term here, if you want to google it, is prodromal psychosis). The idea is that treatment in this early stage will prevent people from ever actually reaching full psychosis. That's why the clinic started. But as they did research, they discovered that even without treatment, only 20% of these people will actually develop "real" schizophrenia and "real" psychosis. This isn't just the early phases of schizophrenia; it's a separate thing of people with more mild symptoms existing who will never convert to schizophrenia. The term that they want to be in the DSM-6 is Attenuated Psychosis Syndrome. Attenuated means less severe. So literally, "it's like you have real psychosis but less bad." Needless to say, I fucking hate this term. It's still better than their original term that they're moving away from, though, which is Clinical High Risk syndrome. Literally just "well, you're at risk of developing a real disorder."

To use autism as a metaphor, it's like if people noticed that hey, a lot more people seem to be autistic than we are actually diagnosing. Right now we're just diagnosing the people with high support needs who are super disabled by it. But other people could use recognition and help too. But instead of just lowering the criteria for what counts as autism, they say "hey, let's invent Asperger's syndrome." You know. That diagnosis that doesn't exist anymore for good reasons.

And then, also, how do we communicate with these people with Asperger's syndrome? Instead of saying "hey, you're autistic, and that's okay and awesome and valid," we say "while yes, you're on the autism spectrum, don't worry. You're not actually autistic. You're not one of those people, and you'll probably never have real autism. Don't go calling yourself autistic. You're not one of them." Yes, you heard me right... They actually have the gall to tell people like me "you're on the psychotic spectrum, but you're not psychotic. You can't call yourself psychotic." Which... What? That's not how spectrums work? The entire attitude of the clinic is "don't worry. You're not schizophrenic. You don't have psychosis. I know those people are scary. Don't worry. You're not one of the scary people with the scary thing." They look at the stigma and instead of even trying to fight it, they say "don't worry. You're not one of the stigmatized group."

So imagine being me. You just got a diagnosis that doesn't actually exist. If you google it (which is hard because they're using about 5 different names for it and can't just decide on one), you'll find a bunch of information that is either in scientific papers that are only written for other psychiatric people to read and not laymen, or information that is outdated compared to what the clinic is now discovering (stuff saying that sub-threshold symptoms only exist as the prodromal phase of schizophrenia). You feel alone as shit, because of course you do, the entire world thinks that psychotic people are cr*zy freaks. So you start looking to psychotic and schizophrenic people for community. You start identifying with them. When explaining your mental health, you just call yourself psychotic. And what do your therapists say? "No. You can't call yourself one of them. You are on their spectrum, but you're not really one of them. Doesn't it make you feel better to know you're not one of the freaks?" No. It doesn't. I'm already one of the freaks, and you've just cut me off from the only community I have because you've given me a diagnosis without any recognition or community. The reason I'm now confidently able to say "fuck you, I am a real psychotic and a real schizophrenic" is because I haven't been part of that clinic for two years so no one is telling me that anymore. The bounds of their studies mean that you can only be treated by them for 2 years and then you get kicked out because if you make it to 2 years without developing "real" psychosis, their research says that you never will, and they are still sort of operating under that original mission of keeping people with prodromal schizophrenia from going into psychosis. While I was still there, the way they tried to distance me from the rest of the spectrum as if that was a positive thing fucked me up. I felt so alone for so long, and I felt guilty for associating with and seeing myself in "real" schizophrenics.

I think the model we've reached with autism is where we should go with schizophrenia. Just call everything "schizophrenia spectrum disorder" (Yes I know autistic people hate ASD as a label because of the disorder part, but I think even the proudest schizophrenics who like and embrace some of their symptoms and don't want them all fixed still agree that it is a disorder. Yes, not all delusions actually need to be cured. Some of them can be positive and beneficial, even if personally none of mine ever have been. But stuff like disorganized thinking, anhedonia, and catatonia are always awful, and they're part of the package too). People who are currently going undiagnosed and who attenuated psychosis syndrome was coined for are the low-support needs end, and people who are currently diagnosed with schizophrenia are the high-support needs end. It's not exactly a perfect correlary, but I think it's reasonable. Unfortunately, while I don't know what's going to actually happen with the DSM-6 (which is still probably a good ten years out since a revision of the DSM-5 was released last year), as far as I know no one is proposing that. God knows when we'll ever get a reasonable and destigmatizing approach to the schizophrenia spectrum, but not any time soon.

God that was long. Well, thank you for giving me an excuse to rant. Basically, fuck the medical model, fuck the DSM, and fuck the people who are trying to change the DSM, too.

[spellscarred]

Self Dx are not real. Do not encourage this. Especially as a mental health professional you call yourself. Encourage people to go get a proper evaluation and diagnosis. Anyone can self Dx themselves with anything, it’s completely invalid to self dx and offensive to those who have been through the actual process of it.

Alright, as a mental health professional I completely disagree with you, for several reasons.

First of all, it's very classist of you to make this claim. Sincerely. There are plenty of people who can't get a professional diagnosis, because it costs a lot of money. It's great if you're in the position to get diagnosis or long-term therapy, but there's a lot of people who aren't financially capable of sustaining or affording this.

Second, professionals know near to nothing about autism in practice, and I was misdiagnosed for years, even after doing an "autism test" during my diagnostic evaluation, and I did CBT for a while before the psychologist concluded that it wasn't working, and then I finally got my autism diagnosis. After that, they dumped me because there was nothing more they could do for me aside from, "oh, I guess read some stuff about it?" In my professional life, this is a reoccurring theme, where I have to tell people what autism is and isn't. The DSM-V criteria is, while better than its previous iterations, incredibly flawed and stereotyped, and that's me being very generous — and this criteria is all most professionals know about autism.

Third, the only time an autism diagnosis will help you is for getting the accommodations you might need, such as additional help in school or disability welfare from the government. In all other instances it might actually harm you because we live in an incredibly ableist society that will punish you for not being productive to able-bodied or neurotypical standards. There's also the little fact that actual professionals won't give you a diagnosis, not because you might not have a neurodevelopmental "disorder" (see: autism or ADHD), but because the diagnosis in your situation will do you more harm than good! From this ask, I assume you don't even know that's a thing.

Fourth, please don't state your opinions as facts. You think it's invaliditing and offensive. I certainly don't. If viewing their experiences in an autistic light gets people to better balance and compassion towards themselves in their life, I'm all for it. Yes, even if it turns out, in the end, that it's not autism after all, but a secret third thing.

— Fun fact, back in ye olden days (70s and back), the autistic and psychotic communities were inextricably connected, because autistic kids weren't diagnosed as autistic, but as "childhood onset schizophrenic". To the professional mental health community, we were all considered schizophrenic, because of the lack of knowledge and understanding, and the big overlap between autistic symptoms and negative psychotic symptoms. Someone self-dxing (usually not in a whim either) as autistic might not be autistic, but they might be psychotic or another form of neurodivergent. I refuse to pull support for people who clearly need it just because they framed their experiences under a "wrong label". Psychology is fucking complex but people needing support really isn't.

Surprise surprise, it's so much more important to me that people get the help and support they need than the purity of labels, especially where something like autism is concerned. And I say this as a mental health professional professionally diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder for 13 years now. You know, since that is part of your validity criteria.

An autism diagnosis doesn't really do shit in practice. The community can help each other so much better than any mental health professional can, and I will help people, with everything I know and have learned and will continue to learn, with or without your approval.

#autism #actually autistic #mental health #no but for real leave

[honeysuckle-venom]

I've had a lot going on lately, psychologically, and I haven't been posting about 90% of it. I haven't been able to, I haven't had the words most of the time. I still don't. The last four days or so have been spent in a psychotic episode of astonishing intensity, one that feels more like our first break when we were 15 than almost anything since then. The whole summer has been very difficult, lots of trauma stuff and system stuff and psychosis stuff I thought I had put to rest coming up but coming up...differently, like the first time all over again instead of echoes? Idk how to explain it, my therapist had all sorts of good words for it in our session today but I was so psychotic I was only processing like 60% of what she was saying and I remember even less. I do know she said encouraging things about how every schizophrenic patient she's worked with has gone through this same process of temporarily getting much much better and tasting health for the first time and then having a significant recurrence of symptoms, and something about how the experience often mimics the first break/is like having the first break again for reasons I was too out of it to understand today but that are part of the healing process. So that was very comforting to hear, because my symptoms this weekend were honestly sort of terrifying.

But anyway. None of that was meant to be the original point of this post. I wanted to talk about how spiritually unprepared I feel for The High Holy Days. I mean, I always feel unprepared, I think everyone does, you're basically supposed to. If I'm remembering right that's even one of the phrases you say. But this year I have done less prep than any time in the last 5+ years. I just haven't been able to. I did manage to set aside one therapy session a few weeks ago to discuss my New Year's resolutions from last year and to what extent I've managed to stick to them, and to decide what ones I'm making this year, which is something really important that I do every year. I take my Rosh Hashanah resolutions very seriously and it's generally a real turning point in the year for me, they aren't the kind of casual resolutions a lot of people make in January like "I'm going to exercise," they tend to be significant decisions about how to live my life and treat myself and those around me. But besides that one therapy session and a tiny bit of contemplation on my own I haven't even tried to do the kind of spiritual inventory or teshuvah that I usually shoot for. And I'm trying to be okay with that. I spent this whole summer really struggling and the last few days psychotic and catatonic; I think Hashem understands that my priority has been to stay alive and that's pretty much all I've had the ability to do. But I'm still pretty much in survival mode and it sucks to be there just a few days before Rosh Hashanah. It's my favorite holiday and I haven't been able to think about it pretty much at all. I have plans to celebrate with friends both Friday and Sunday and intend to go to services Friday and Saturday, but I'm nervous that I won't be well enough for some or all of that. We'll see when we get there, I suppose. It's just a really bad feeling to know my favorite holiday is coming and normally I do a lot of internal and external work to prepare for it and I've done basically none of it and don't even feel that special "Rosh Hashanah is coming" feeling because I'm too busy being crazy. It just feels really sad and disappointing.

#text post #my post #idk my grandma's Rosh Hashanah care package arrived today #and instead of being excited i'm too crazy to even eat any of it bc food paranoia #and it's just...it's frustrating to be in this mental place when i want to be excited about the new year and stuff #and i'm nervous i won't be doing better by friday #i'm really hoping that like once it actually arrives and i eat some apples and honey and go to synagogue it'll help me feel better #but i just don't have it in me to do any spiritual reflection beforehand and i feel disappointed in myself bc of that #and i'm trying not to stress about it bc literally one of my resolutions for the past two years is being more gentle with myself #but it's just hard #jewish tag #elul tag

[hawkogurl]

Harry is too much like me. I have a negative self image and psychologically it is too uncomfortable for me to think about that. As a result, he's a character I avoid. Norman is too much like my parents I still want to love me back. I fixate on him because he's safer than going back to my parents.

Anon this reply is probably gonna come off meaner than I intend, but why did you send me this? Like, I’m genuinely a bit confused as to what reply you were expecting.

Once again, this is gonna come off as harsher than I mean it to be but I’m sorry, it sucks that happened to you but that doesn’t really change my opinions. I still think the way fans strip norman of all responsibility for being a misogynistic, classist child abuser is shitty. I still think the DID fanon is rather ableist. I still think it’s shitty fans ignore the canon schizophrenic in favor of stripping his abusive father for responsibility for his actions. This doesn’t change that for me, I’m sorry.

I’m going to keep being opinionated on the topic, but I also believe in good fandom etiquette. I tag every single post I make that’s negative towards Norman as Norman slander so people can block it if they want to avoid it. Cause I get it. Nobody is obligated to agree with me and disagreeing with me is normal. But it won’t stop me from being rather loudly opinionated. It’s your job to curate your space just as it’s my job to curate mine.

And listen, I’m not the arbiter of the raimi fandom. Part of the reason this ask confuses me so much is because you don’t need my permission to like norman. I like Norman to a degree. I think he’s a good character. I also think he’s a bad person. That’s why he’s a good character. You’re allowed to have opinions and think whatever the hell you want. The things I’m frustrated about are like, weird common out of character beliefs that people have purely because of a movie, no way home, that couldn’t even get basic facts about the trilogy’s timeline correct. There’s a reason a lot of raimi fans came out of NWH thinking Norman felt like an entirely different character! He was written like one!

And you know what, people are allowed to like him in that! I understand the appeal! God knows I don’t like it, but that’s because my interest in these movies is often from far more based in narrative and thematic stability and analysis a lot of the time. I like writing. I’m interested in the mechanics of storytelling so it frustrates me to see NWH butcher so much of the narrative of the trilogy. But that’s me! Thats my opinions! People are allowed to like it! Nobody has to agree with me! I’ll continue to express my frustration towards how Norman’s character is treated and towards much of that ableism, but nobody is ever obligated to agree with me. I’d like to think that my posts are worth reading from a standpoint of differing opinions are good and it might be thought provoking and provide more depth to certain aspects of these movies, but at the end of the day you don’t need to agree with me. I’m an opinionated person and that won’t change, but I do my damnedest to tag properly so you don’t need to look. You don’t need my permission to like norman.

Don’t get me wrong, I always love differing opinions because I think the way others interact with media is interesting. I’d love to hear more, even if I don’t necessarily understand your reason for sending this. But I don’t think I’ll ever change mine, if I’m being blunt.

#harryposting #harry osborn #norman osborn #raimiverse #raimi trilogy #spider man #spiderman #no way home #norman slander #spiderman nwh #nwh #mcu spider man #mcu

[angelkiller666]

Where i had been. (APOLOGY and UPDATE)

ok....so, imma just get straight to it and say that i am VERY sorry for my long unannounced Hiatus, a LOT of personal stuff has happened within my family, and i ain't gonna get too personal or else this will be too long to type. just know that i am DEEPLY sorry for my absence, i'm alive, i'm ok, nothing SUPER horrible happened, but do understand that i may STILL be in Hiatus after this, so please bare that, but do understand that i'm not going anywhere, and just took a mental break that ended up becoming more than just for mental reasons. also MASSIVE BROKEN BONE/SURGERY TRIGGER WARNING!!!! if you are sensitive to broken bones, surgery, stitches and blood, idk what to tell you but to just skip the pics that will be presented here on this journal, and i'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, but please bare with me and take my advice, if you can't handle it, i understand if you don't read this update, it's fine. but please don't come after me for it. alright, onto the first part: depression's a bitch! and so it art block and burn out, especially when your family's struggling with a lot of stuff and you gotta be there to help them out. which is exactly in my case. my mother (gonna keep it vague and quick) was getting sick multiple times and she was on high risk of possibly not living another year after her diagnosis. (spoilers: SHE SURVIVED and is not very sick anymore! she's alive and well!) so during the time she was sick, i had to do many house chores, dinner and sanitizing in the house because my mom obviously really needed it. but it's hard to do that when you have a schizophrenic and NARSSISISTIC sibling who REFUSES to help out and make you do all the work while lazing on their ass all day.....which was also my case. (also spoilers: my brother has gotten better now and has sought treatment from the mental hospital and isn't as bad as he was anymore. i'm not dunking or hating on him, just understand that there are issues that went too far, but were thankfully handled well by the professionals.) so through out most of the time, i was just struggling to keep everything together and has at least succeeded in such.....until one day, about....3-4 or maybe 5 weeks ago, i broke my ankle while i was in the middle of exercising. (idk how long, this is just a guess on my part) (DOUBLE WARNING AND TRIGGER WARNING REMINDER!: if you are easily triggered or uncomfortable at the topics of broken bones, stitches, surgery, blood or any of that, SKIP THE PHOTOS or STOP READING if you are not able to handle it. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!)

i won't get into too much details, but just know that i went through hell for a bit. here's where i first broke my ankle:

in total, i broke my ankle in 8 PLACES! i know, i have no idea how either, i guess i just had shitty luck i guess: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/901237515577618506/1205540327855882300/SPOILER_IMG_6101.jpg?ex=65d8bdec&is=65c648ec&hm=85c626e0d90ae067952a9653ac37767253156fe55905de373ba51f5d05cb4cd5& i had to wait a whole day to be admitted to surgery, which sucked as hell because i couldn't sleep thanks to the pain. but hey, at least i get to finally get some rest with the pain killers after surgery. (i think it was 7 or 9 screws welded into my bones at the moment) https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/901237515577618506/1205540514678571069/SPOILER_IMG_6098.jpg?ex=65d8be18&is=65c64918&hm=6befdf49153a8bd4895d43baf9613f211b600bfa60b8a98587b5c3d775a9dfd3& i spent the next 2 or 3 weeks in a cast (and still am, just a brand new one, it feels more comfy than the last) but i finally get to stay in bed without feeling like utter shit and got to sleep a lot to gain back my energy: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/901237515577618506/1205539682251706518/f1028ba1-e18d-4edc-b1a9-289b3ad7e588.jpg?ex=65d8bd52&is=65c64852&hm=28bf9a0626cea54467a02863815c5a528d60e24fb54a799b3d27ae38b38bf3b7&

last week, when i got to get a new cast and see how my leg was doing, i had a BUNCH of stitches, and even though it barely hurt when they took off my old cast....it was a sight to see:

i don't have a pic of the new cast, but i'm doing well, thank god. this week is when i get my stitches removed and maybe after another few weeks or so, i'll get the metal and screws out soon, but i just know i'll be in a cast for a LONG while. ok! so that's what was going on during my unannounced Hiatus. a lot of things happened, but i had been doing rehab in walking in my walker and scooter to get around the house, i don't feel pain as much as i do anymore, mom is doing a lot better and so is my brother. i am planning on returning soon, it just may take awhile. thank you to those for reading and understanding my situation, i promise, i got new art in the works and soon, hopefully, i'll finally be able to celebrate my 500 follower milestone! (in Deviant Art) i hope you all have been doing well, and can't wait to start posting again!

[march-harrigan]

1, 5, 16, & 18 for Jervis Tetch aka Mad Hatter? :p

OH BOY, I'm gonna have to break out the readmore because you've just opened the floodgates! I have entirely too many opinions on this man.

Thank ya for the ask!

1 - Favourites thing(s) about this character? - It varies from version to version, honestly. But if I had to pick something consistent across most portrayals, it would just be some of the ways I relate to him.

He's obviously not neurotypical, first of all(canonically schizophrenic and there may even be some other things there. Who knows?). That's true of many rogues, of course, but Jervis is the one I recognize a lot of my own symptoms and coping mechanisms in. Particularly in the way he clings to childhood nostalgia and retreats into his fantasy world when reality gets to be too much. Albeit in the form of actual delusions depending on the media whereas I'm more of a maladaptive daydreamer.

He's also been portrayed to be very meek before he officially takes on the Mad Hatter persona. Usually feeling like he doesn't fit in with the people around him whether it's because of his physical appearance(a result of dwarfism and macrocephaly in some versions) or just the fact that he's kind of odd or immature-acting.

He feels liked he's overlooked, shunned, or actively hated for who he is, which I think is a very real experience for a lot of neurodivergent people(Although fortunately, the internet has made it a lot easier to find other people who "get" you these days).

But also, I just love the fun/whimsical aesthetic and absolute "little bastard" energy he gives off once he's started his criminal career.

-

5 - What do you not like about this character? - Addressing the creepy elephant in the room with this one. I do not like how many modern takes on the character end up being some flavor of sexual predator. Admittedly, it's partly because he's my blorbo and I don't like seeing that on his list of crimes. But I actually do have a couple of more thought out reasons for it as well.

First of all, I find DC can't be trusted with that kind of story telling most of the time if ever. I think it can be done well if it's a commentary on real world abuse or something that empowers survivors, but it usually just ends up being for shock value. Just there to make the story seem darker or edgier.

Secondly, there seems to be a pattern across media in general where schizophrenia(if it's mentioned or addressed at all) is this evil scary disorder that makes the person almost inhuman. With some rogues, there's an attempt to understand them. The things that drive them, why they were the way they are and the glimmer of hope that someday they could be helped. But then certain DC media will go and make Jervis as slimy and unforgivable as possible and it's exhausting.

I'm not 100% opposed to the idea of kidnapping "Alice" as part of a delusion(or in the case of BTAS, a poorly though out last resort). But where it would go from there in my mind is panicked realization. She's not responding properly, she lacks any personality, whatever drew him to her in the first place isn't there. THIS WAS A BAD IDEA. He either falls into a deep depression or lashes out. If it's the latter, he regrets it and it hurts him deeply that his violent impulses won again. He's sobbing and apologetic(see Joker's Asylum II: Mad Hatter for one of my favorite takes on this).

He's still doing awful, terrible things, but you get more of a glimpse into his humanity and his struggles with an untreated mental illness(because let's be real, Arkham isn't doing SHIT for him) and a lack of any real support system(again... Joker's Asylum II: Mad Hatter).

-

16- What do you think would improve this character? Like, character-arc wise? - I know I keep banging on about the Joker's Asylum II portrayal, but I think it would be an excellent starting point for just. Something on the concept of a recovery or attempted recovery for Jervis.

I wanna see a dedicated storyline where he's fighting tooth and nail to be his best self! I want to see him with a proper support system, learning healthy coping mechanisms! I wanna see him make connections with other people in the real world! Even if he falls in the end, even if he reverts to crime for whatever reason and winds up back in Arkham. Just to show some real hope for him that maybe someday, he can start to recover from the more harmful symptoms and be truly happy would do my heart good.

-

18- What’s something you associate this character with? E.g. a certain colour, object or scenery? - Wonderland, hats, tea, etc. would all be the obvious of course. As well as blue/green for colors.

I've actually come to associate him with the entire concept of nostalgia, especially for fantasy stories. I also think of him when watching movies like Labyrinth or The Dark Crystal. I even have several songs from the Labyrinth soundtrack in a Spotify playlist for BTAS Jervis. Just feels right somehow.

#questions answered #ask meme #wherein march doesn't know how to shut up about jervis

[beautifulpersonpeach]

BPP, Indigo is so majestic. I have no words. I all feels.

Joon did so so well. I want to give him the biggest hug.

Are you as emotional as well? I need like 7 business days to process Indigo.

What a privelege to listen to Joon's music.

*

Ask 2: Anonymous asked:

Hello bpp ! Can i request a album review for Indigo? I think it is getting very very good reviews even non armys love it !!! I love Wild flower, Closer and All day ! Namjoons lyrics hurt me but in a good way like releasing old feelings. Im very happy !

*

Ask 3: Anonymous asked:

BPP, did Indigo pass muster for you? 😊

*

Ask 4: Anonymous asked:

I'm the anon that asked about Indigo. Do you think BTS are overdoing it talking about their struggle with fame all the time? Like we get it it's hard but you guys are millionaires, You know what I mean BPP?

***

Hi @rantingravingliving and anons!

The first time I listened to Indigo I hated it. The album met my expectations, but like I said for Jack in the Box, it's not that the album took time to grow on me, it's that at first it felt too much like an album he had to put out. But I was wrong, emotional and silly. Indigo is way better than that. Indigo is the most polished album any of the BTS members have put out so far, which isn't surprising given Joon likely had more time to work on it than Hobi had for his (though how Joon recreated Wild Flower in practically no time after losing it all in 2021 is amazing). The way Joon highlights his collaborators on all the tracks makes the songs feel like duets rather than features - we have two reasons to love each song: Joon and whoever is on the track because they all kill it.

For lyrics and references for all the songs, please consider checking out Doolset's notes linked here. I agree with her most of the time about BTS's lyrical references, so consider everything I'm writing in this post incremental to her notes.

My favourite parts of some songs:

Yun: Joon channels Biggie in this song which is so fitting for a song that has Ms. Badu on it. The soundscape on Yun is luscious. And the lyrics? People, stop what you're doing now and read the English translation here. His cadence is reminiscent of Asheru's on the Boondocks theme at a slower tempo. Joon's mastery of this sound is so good I almost blacked out listening to it the first time. Oh, and Erykah Badu is a goddess. This is Quincy Jones lounge music at its finest.

*

Still Life: I'm a sucker for a prominent bass so the way the song starts is perfect. The beat change at 1:44 to 2:00 is so fucking sick. That "Oh shit" from Anderson at 2:05 was felt.

*

Forg_tful: I love Joon's voice and singing on this song. His vocals, the scarce processing on his vocals, the whistling, Kim Sawol, it all fits so well.

*

Closer: 90s/00s R&B and slow afrobeats perfection. That run at 1:42 is mental like are you crazy?

*

Change Pt 2: All that static is the perfect break for the flow of the album. Like, even its placement is perfect. The schizophrenic breakdown at 0:47 makes up for the almost boring sequence before it. And the magic that is 1:01 to 1:50 is a masterclass in storytelling.

*

Lonely: The fusion of mood pop and rock is kinda unexpected for Namjoon but now that we've heard him try it out, I think it's fair to say RM can absolutely pull off a mainstream cross-over.

*

Wild Flower: My friend sent me this comment: "He says Flower work instead of fire work because he doesn't want to be up among the stars and burn and be gone. He wants to be on the ground like a field of flowers, a flower work and be grounded, flourish, and last. Namjoon be deep in the feels jesus christ." Lol. Joon is a bit superstitious and you hear it in Wild Flower. But this is my shit. Youjeen's piercing bright voice contrasts Joon's perfectly. At timestamp 3:13 to 4:10 she completely steals the show. Like this is very much her song as well and it shows Joon's awareness in arranging music. He knows exactly what he is doing. Because no matter what you might think of him, Youjeen is too good to ignore.

*

I'd rate the whole album a 9/10. He didn't disappoint and this is why I'm seated. His style reminds me of Nas' songwriting, Common's too, and bit like Hov with almost no Ye.

About BTS/Namjoon talking about their fame or their struggle with it all the time, and it being old and overdone, I get what you mean. But like, what else do you expect them to talk about? They are seven men in their 20s from one of the most status-conscious countries in the world, from middle-class families at best, now some of the biggest stars in the world. BTS are Michael Jackson famous and I don't say that lightly. It's mad. Attention like that fucks everybody up. I doubt they're excessively doing drugs to cope and keep perspective, so they need an outlet. They will speak about their experiences and their desires and their fame will factor in at some point. The loss of that fame will also become a touch point in their music as they mature. Going to the military will completely reset their outlook and that too will be reflected in their songs. As they age, get married and have kids. As they lose relevancy for a sub-set of the current fandom. Expect to hear every member reference it at some point in their music. My two cents.

#kim namjoon #namjoon #indigo #bts rm #rm #bts

[schizopositivity]

how do you deal with knowing you need medication but not trusting the pharmaceutical industry?

i.e. “they just want to make us sick so we keep buying medicine, it’ll just harm & give me brain damage”

i have a few different ways i can answer this, so ill just say them all so you can have options on what feels nice for you to think about (also i wanna say this is a totally valid fear and you should never be ashamed to express this idea to the people in your life).

•the pharmaceutical industry is highly regulated, everything must be approved before going out to the public through clinical trials that prove the med is more affective than placebo.

•most meds are adminsitered by drs and pharmacists, who are real people that usually care about helping other people and theres so many of them, you would think if any had a reason to doubt meds as a whole they would say something or quit.

•there are countless real testimonies of real people saying how meds have worked for them and improved their lives.

•for me personally meds were life changing, specifically antipsychotics, i couldnt function or surivive well without them, since being on them for years i have such a greater quality if life and thats why i stand by meds.

•not all meds are needed for your whole life. ive known plently of people who have been on antidepressants or different meds that over time didnt need them anymore or even drs suggesting they stop them because they can be fine without them. if they wanted to keep you on meds to keep you sick they wouldnt do that.

•some meds youll just have to be on for the rest of your life, not because they dont work, just that the symptoms it helps with will always be there and will always need managing. some people need to be on medication to even just survive, if it werent for the meds theyde be far worse off. and for me ill always be schizophrenic, ill probably always need to be on antipsychotics because they improve my life a lot and without them i wouldnt be able to function.

•not all meds cost money. it really depends on your income level and where you live but for me, im on my states low income free insurance that covers the cost of all my meds. i have not paid any of my own money for medication. i wish meds could be free for everyone obviously but sadly the reality is its not. but not all people on medication (especially in other parts of the world) pay for their meds with their own money.

•this can be a dangerous mindet to have and hold true, because where does it stop? this mindet could lead to you not taking antibiotics for an infection and it getting much worse, or not taking life saving meds, or not taking meds that prevent things form getting worse, or keep you from getting vaccines for preventable diseases. i say all this not as an abstract i know people personally who think this way and reality hit them hard during the pandemic (like someone i know irl didnt get the vaccine and then got sick and had to be hospitalized for weeks to stay alive, if the industry wanted them sicker they wouldnt create or give out vaccines for free).

i know it can be hard to believe in something like this, but your health is the most important thing, and if meds can help you than thats what matters. not all meds work the same for everyone so if you do start meds make sure to meet with your perscriber regularly so they can change doses or change meds to find the right fit for you.

#answered #tw meds #medication #pharma #big pharma #big pharma consipracy #tw big pharma consipiracy

[mayalaen]

i’m sorry for pushing you guys away

My family has had A LOT of counseling over the years, but I’ve had very little because counselors don’t seem to know what to do with schizophrenics and they end up doing weird shit to me.

Recently my brain has decided that the childhood experiences I thought weren’t a big deal were actually pretty traumatic, and my brain wouldn’t let me stuff it down anymore. Damn, but I was so good at stuffing that I didn’t even realize I had anger issues!

Apparently I have A SHIT-TON of anger issues 😲

However, in the process of going through counseling, my mom and I finally have a second label for the 4 bipolar people in my family who have caused me the most trauma.

They’re not JUST bipolar. They’re also Malignant Narcissists. Surprise! (Generations of abuse+substance use+mental issues breeds these fuckers if you didn’t know)

It’s kinda nice to have a label for them because now we can learn how better to deal with them, and the tips we’ve learned so far have worked GREAT!!

The BAD NEWS is that they’ve all carried a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder for years, so I assumed all the toxic manipulative shit was due to being bipolar. Because that’s what I was told! (I did think it was odd that most of their behavior wasn’t included on the symptoms of bipolar disorder lists on websites and in psych books)

Because of that, I’ve put distance between myself and bipolar people I start to become friends with as soon as I realize they’re bipolar or have mood issues.

The reason I’m posting about this here is because I’ve been pushing away some really great people who are simply bipolar, thinking they were just being nice to me until we got close and then they’d unleash the manipulative toxicity on me.

I can’t tell you how hurt and angry this it makes me that my family’s behavior fucked up my friendships, but I’m also thankful for the thick skin they’ve given me.

There’s a few people I could name, but I don’t want to out them if they haven’t told anyone else they’re bipolar, but if you see this and you’ve tried to be friends with me and you’re bipolar or even have the barest hints of mood swings, this is for you.

I AM SO SORRY 😭

I really liked being with you. You’re fun and easy to talk to. You’ve never actually hurt me, but I was protecting myself.

As you can imagine, this has been super upsetting, and it’s part of the reason I haven’t been around much.

I went through a grieving period for all the people I could’ve been friends with over the years and quite a number of fuckbuddies and even a couple relationships that could’ve been long-term.

It’s not completely my family’s fault -- counselors told us what they were and missed the malignant narcissism diagnosis -- but I’m in the anger stage of this whole process, and I’m really fucking mad and resentful. I haven’t even been able to look my father in the eye for months now.

Good thing he’s so narcissistic that he hasn’t noticed or cared otherwise I would’ve had to talk to him about it 🤣

One of the things I really enjoyed was watching movies online with friends, and something I’m really excited about is that I’ve created a Plex server with just over 2000 movies and almost 300 TV shows on it, closed captioning as well.

At my insistence, as a family we finally cut ties with cable TV and big ISP a few months ago, so we’re not spending ridiculous amounts of money with Cox. I put two months’ worth of Cox bills to good use with this server, and we’re all enjoying that and a few paid streaming apps.

Which means that I can easily set up and host movie nights for friends and share my libraries with friends 🥳

Of course with me being in the middle of selling the shop, I have no time to do this, but I have hope that I’ll be able to do this soon and play games again and try to rekindle friendships that I hopefully haven’t fucked up beyond repair.

If you’ve made it this far reading through all my rambling, thank you 💜

#i'm sorry #about me #real life #my family #mental issues #long post

[freemindedspirit]

Heyy. It's me again! I had this dream a few days ago. I was somewhere, idk where but somewhere around people and there was music playing. And I was just sitting and drinking coffee. Then someone comes up from behind me and starts talking, which I do not remember what the context was but it somehow made me cry and that person talking to me wasnt someone I recognised. And then I walked away from that place to somewhere quiet. And there I was standing looking at the sea when I felt someone behind me, calling my name. And when I turned around it was some guy I don't remember ever meeting or seeing. It felt like someone new, one I've never met. And they start talking incessantly, and I seem to join in on the conversation and then out of nowhere they tried to kiss me and I pulled away and that's when I woke up. It literally felt like there was someone around me exactly before I woke up but I was alone in my home that day. My mom and brother were out on a trip. That gave me the goosebumps.

And this isn't the only time. A few months before this dream, I dreamt of the same person whose face I can never recognise or remember but I somehow know that it's that person in a setting where I'm out travelling and I probably lost something and I'm trying to frantically find it. But I can't, so I start panicking when our of nowhere this person comes in and hands me over what I was trying to find. And then calls my name and says something. And then walks away after getting me out of trouble from these people who were running after me for some reason and tries kissing me again. And I wake up that particular moment again feeling like someone was besides me on the bed stroking my face and playing with my hair. Watching me sleep? It's been happening like every few months. This is weird. Am I going crazy or becoming schizophrenic?

If there's any explanation you can find, it would be helpful or I'm just going to check into an asylum soon. 😂❤️🥲🥲

I hope you are having a much better day than I am.

And here're the most weirdest things. I had a really bad dream where I saw my dad dying and I thought I was being crazy and it must have been a bad horror movie reflection I might be having because of what I watched. But the same exact thing happened in the same exact way that I dreamt of and I remember waking up in tears and shaking because of it. I was scared of even thinking of this but it happened. Traumatising. But that didn't end there. My sister got married a week ago. And then a few weeks before her wedding, I had this dream where I saw somethings that went wrong and everyone was kind of disturbed about it, people were stressed out because of it. And the same exact thing happened in reality at her wedding, the exact same way. Am I like an omen or something? I mean there's something definitely wrong with me. 🥲

I dont think anything is wrong with you !I had similar experiences in both cases.

The first one is likely someone coming to visit you in your dreams but being a bit too eager lol you can totally tell them to bzck off or slow down tho

For the second part, i think you have a gift for seeing future events.I understand it czn be scary, but you have the choice to keep it or turn it off, or enhance it by working on it.in both cases you are not insane.If tmany of this causes you distress feel free to rezch out to a professional.

I hope your day gets better !

#dream analysis

[schizosupport]

Hi! I hope it's okay that I'm asking for slightly personal advice, I feel you are more understanding than most, although I also don't know many other neurodivergent people, and your blog has helped me (and others!) so much. I'm schizophrenic and have a lot of sensory issues. My friends birthday is coming up next week, we're going to spend the day together. She loves to go shopping and out to eat and all of the fun stuff. We're planning on going to the mall, then target, then dinner, then my place. I absolutely hate going to malls and huge stores such as target or Walmart. I'm dreading it actually, (not spending time with her just the shopping part.) I get very overstimulated by all the sounds and noises and I also get paranoid about the people around us, so it's a lot. But I want to go for her since it's her bday and I don't see her much. Do you have any advice on how to help with getting overstimulated, and how to help with my paranoia?

Hi there! It's no problem at all, I usually answer all types of questions, unless I'm too tired and forget, but that's nothing to do with the type of question ;)

Ok so for sensory issues and paranoia in this type of situation.. Hmm, first off, I feel the need to ask if your friend is aware that this might not be the ideal environment for the two of you to hang out? It's valid for you all to still go, if it's something she really loves and wants to share with you, but if she isn't aware, I also think that it's both ok and a good idea to let her know that this will be a lot for you.

In some situations in the past I would push myself past my limit without even letting people know I was close the edge, and in the end it resulted in me being distant at events, or even breaking down. On a few occasions, even if my goal had been to make my friends happy, I ended up accidentally ruining their plans. Even if it's not close to a breaking point, I generally recommend honesty. In its own way, I feel like 'going to the mall is really difficult for me, but I know it makes you happy, so I'm going to do my best and come with!' is a really really sweet notion.

Another reason why it's good to bring it up with your friend (if you haven't already) is because it might be nice for her to be in on the contingency plans.

Overstimulation come in many flavors. For those who get auditory overstimulation, a pair of headphones with familiar sounds (and perhaps even active noise cancelling) can be a godsend. But to the casual observer who may not know of the struggle, they might take it as a sign that their friend is bored or not feeling social, if they put on headphones. For me, visual overstimulation is a huge thing. The only "cure" I know is to close my eyes. If I'm with trusted people who know, they can guide me for a bit, and let me know when it's safe to look. If I'm alone I'll retreat to sit somewhere where I can just keep my eyes closed for a while.

There's many other cases ofc, but my point is. It's really helpful if your friend is aware in what way you might get overstimulated, what are the symtoms, and how she may be able to help/what not to take personally. It's also fair in this type of situation to have an agreement that while you are coming with, in case it's more triggering than expected, and you feel poorly, there should be a plan B.

It's not rude to have a plan B together, in fact it's important. That way your friend is prepared that this could happen, and it will be a less sudden change of plans if it happens, which will make it easier emotionally for both of you.

Often, even just knowing that a plan B exists, is enough to calm me down to go through with plan A.

Mall - Target - dinner - your place does sound like a lot of context changes. If the plan is not set in stone, it might be worthwhile to consider simplifying a little.

You could bring takeout back to your place, for example. I find that after a long and overstimulating day, sitting in a potentially noisy restaurant environment is often the last thing I want. If you cook, you could also offer to cook something for her (ideally something you can mostly prepare in advance). This gives you a good excuse to head home a bit early.

Alternatively, i guess target is a store that is separate from the mall. So maybe if you skip target, you can have dinner at the mall, and then you get to go straight home after.

I know this might not be the advice you're hoping for, but to be honest I think that making realistic plans and managing expectations is a very important aspect of taking care of yourself (AND your relationships).

Most good friends don't want us to push us past our limits, and it's important that we let them know when we are near one, so they have a chance to take it into account.

As far as managing paranoia in public places go, I have not found a foolproof way. Getting enough sleep and food, trying to avoid overstimulation and overexertion, and having contingency plans is all part of the game. In the past I've used mantras that helped, until they became a compulsion, so it's not really a recommendation.

For me my looks can matter. If I feel dirty or unkempt I'm more likely to feel that I stand out. It helps to wear clothes that make me feel confident, either in a low-key trying to blend in way, or in a high key alternative fashion look at my clothes not me way.

Sometimes mapping out escape routes/plans in the back of my head can calm me down, but at other times it's just triggering..

I don't think there's any one size fits all approach available, but the main thing is that if you haven't already, I think you should let your friend know that while you are very excited to do all the things with her in theory, experience tells you it might be a lot. And then have an honest talk with her about what to do if it's too much, or if there's some way to make the plan a bit more realistic.

Best of luck in any case, I hope you have fun with your friend regardless!!