Keeping Myself Alive
Tags and warnings!!! RE Gameverse, Carlos Oliveira/Transmasc!OC, Established Platonic Relationship with Jill, Childhood Friends, Carlos Oliveira, Jill Valentine, Nicholai Ginovaef | Nikolai Zinoviev, Tyrell Patrick, Mikhail Victor, Nemesis, OC, Angst, Hospitalization, C-PTSD, Injury Description, Gore, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Self-Harm, Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Fluff, Smut (eventually), Explicit.
Chapter 5: Betrayal
Read on AO3
(4500 words approx.)
Previous Chapter - First Chapter
Nicholai watched, alone, from the security of the train car he had detached, as the rest of the subway continued onwards. He waited a few moments, then pressed the button of the detonator, sending all the survivors, along with Mikhail, straight into the fiery pits of hell.
He contemplated the mess of flames, twisted metal and debris in front of him for a long minute, like an artist contemplating a completed masterpiece, then turned around and walked along the tracks, back to the station. He strolled calmly in silence for a while, until his device beeped.
He took it out of his pocket and pressed a button, answering the call.
“Dr. Flint, I’ve gotten rid of most of the witnesses, just as you asked” – Nicholai said, casually.
“So, I take it that earthquake was the explosion, then? Good.” – Nathaniel started – “Is the rescue team on their way here? I’m having trouble keeping the infected out of reach.”
“Don’t worry, Doctor. They are on their way” – Nicholai answered.
“Good…” – Nathaniel said, pausing for a second – “What about the other arrangement?” – Nicholai smiled and held back a small chuckle.
“Well, he is alive, though that is of no surprise to anybody. He has managed to keep most of his abilities secret, either that or, he has forgotten how to use them.” – Nicholai explained, Nathaniel shook his head before answering.
“No, we made sure he had his condition present in mind, he must be hiding….” – he stated – “And his location?”
“He is on his way to you, actually. Along with your rescue team.” – Nicholai said with a wicked smile on his face.
“What?! No, that’s unacceptable! There’s no telling how he will react!” – Nathaniel panicked, his loud voice alerting the undead just outside the office he was hiding in – “Listen, you have to get me out of here safely! I’m the only one who-” – but Nicholai pressed a button to end the call, then silenced the device completely.
“I’m sorry, Doctor” – he said, mockingly – “A better deal has been arranged”.
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Gentle sunlight streamed in through the window, shining on Liam’s face, forcing him to wake up. Jill wasn’t around, and this made his heart sink, as he remembered what happened the night before, he wanted to come clean about what was going on, but just didn’t know how. Or where to start, even.
He got distracted from his thoughts when he heard a low hum, making him look down, his sight surprising him.
At some point during the night, Carlos had fallen over onto him, and now had his head rested on Liam’s lap, sound asleep.
Liam felt a warmth in his chest as he looked at Carlos sleep so peacefully, he couldn’t help but to run his fingers through the other man’s hair gently.
‘It’s so soft…’
Carlos sucked in a breath as he awoke, quickly rising back up and away from Liam as he realized of his position. Liam lifted his hands up.
“I’m sorry-” – they both said simultaneously. After a second or of silence Liam continued to speak.
“I didn’t mean to wake you up, sorry about that…” – Carlos rubbed his eyes as he tried to shake off the grogginess, as well as the embarrassment.
“It’s okay. I’m sorry I used you as a pillow” – he said quietly. Liam smiled softly at him.
“Oh, don’t worry about it, you were asleep.” – he said, then tilted his head slightly, trying to hide the blush that crept up his face.
They sat in silence for a few moments, not knowing what to say or do with themselves. For a second, the both of them opened their mouths again, as if to say something, but were interrupted by the door opening.
“Morning, sleepyheads!” – Jill walked in, a backpack hanging from her left shoulder. Both men whipped their heads at her, as if they were caught doing something, making Jill raise an eyebrow at them. – “Did, uh… Did I interrupt something? I can leave for a while if you want-” – she said, pointing her thumb at the door behind her. But both men quickly interrupted her.
“No no no no!” – they said in unison. Jill raised her chin and made a face at them, clearly amused, then slowly walked up to them and sat on the floor near them, setting the backpack in front of her before opening it.
“Well, I went out to that big donut shop around to get breakfast, and I made a quick stop at the armory on my way back” – she said, taking a paper bag filled with greasy day-old donuts and placing it on the ground for them to dig into – “No coffee, though, sorry about that” – She said jokingly as she took a few small bottles of water out of the backpack then grabbed a donut out of the bag and bit into it.
The men followed her lead and started to show down on the slightly stale donuts, it wasn’t the tastiest, nor the most nutritious breakfast ever, but it was food, and they needed the sugar to give them energy for the day.
Liam saw a small glint of light shine from the backpack, then took a peek inside, Jill side-eyeing him quietly.
Liam’s brows arched up and his eyes widened as he pulled out a shiny metal bat out of the backpack, then looked at Jill with glee, like a child on Christmas. Jill laughed at his expression.
“Okay” – she started – “I may or may not have had a few other stops around town before coming back here” – she said with a smile – “You lost your axe last night, I figured you needed something to defend yourself out there, and since u don’t like guns…” – she gestured at the bat in Liam’s hands. – “I got you a new toy!”
Carlos laughed quietly at the exchange, then peeked in the backpack, noticing several boxes of ammo, enough for both the gun-wielders to shoot at the flesh-eaters at their hearts content.
The three of them relished on the sugar filled breakfast for a few silent minutes, before Jill started speaking again.
“So, is the subway still operational?” – she asked, Liam and Carlos side-eyed each other, then Liam looked down making a face, before Carlos started explaining.
“The subway left last night, shortly after you drove that freak away from us… Mikhail, Nicholai and the survivors should be safe by now.” –Jill whipped her hear at Liam.
“And you didn’t go with them? What were you thinking?!” – She said, Liam gave her a look before answering.
“You know damn well I wasn’t gonna leave the city without you, Bluebird” – Jill just scoff-laughed at the response. Then Carlos continued.
“Tyrell and I were tasked with rescuing a scientist from Umbrella’s Main Office Buildings, and Liam here” – he said, gesturing at the other man – “decided to tag along, in hopes of finding you along the way…” – he paused for a second – “We were caught up in the middle of a big swarm and… Well, Tyrell didn’t make it out.” – he said, looking down.
“We came across you, running away from that monster, almost immediately after” – Liam explained.
Jill put her hands behind her head and stretched for a minute, thinking, before slouching forward, letting out a sigh.
“Were you able to contact Mikhail since last night?” – she asked Carlos, his face gave away a sudden realization. He hadn’t even thought of trying to contact before they got to Dr. Flint.
“Let me check on them right now.” – he said, reaching to the radio attached to his left ear. – “Cap, it’s Carlos, do you copy?” – he waited for a few moments, static blaring in his ear as he made a face – “That’s strange… It’s not going though…” – he thought for a second, then tried again – “Nicholai, it’s Carlos? Do you copy?” – he repeated, more urgently this time. After waiting for a few more moments Carlos’ face lit up. – “Nicholai! Are the survivors safe and out of the city yet?” – he was shocked at the answer – “What? Derailed? How-?” – he seemed to be interrupted. Jill and Liam looked at each other for a second – “No, we haven’t been able to locate him yet…” – Carlos listened intently for a few more seconds – “Right, I’ll give you a call when we do.” – then the call ended. Carlos let his hand down in frustration, both Jill and Liam looking at him, waiting for an explanation.
“Carlos?... What’s going on?” – Liam pressed. Carlos rubbed the back of his neck and looked down, letting out a frustrated sigh.
“The sub crashed” – he said, Liam’s and Jill’s eyes widened – “Nicholai said something about debris blocking the rails… None of the survivors made it…”
“And Mikhail?” – Jill asked.
“He’s dead too.” – Carlos stated. Jill leaned back and looked to the side in exasperation, Liam covered his mouth and frowned at the implications of the situation.
‘I don’t trust it…’
“So, what now?” – Jill asked
“I still need to carry on with the mission” – Carlos stated – “Once we locate Dr. Flint, Nicholai will call for a rescue helicopter. That’s our ticket.” – Jill nodded.
“Alright…” – She started – “I never thought I’d save an Umbrella scientist of all people, but if that’s what gets us out of here…” – she looks at Liam, he gives her a nod – “We’ll do it.”
They prepped themselves for the job, Carlos geared back up, Liam practiced swinging his bat around, and Jill made sure to have her guns ready and loaded. She went to the bathroom for a minute, and Carlos peeped at Liam swinging his bat. He was so fast; the air made a whooshing sound with each swing. Liam realized Carlos was looking, and decided to put the bat down, approaching the other man.
“Hey, uh…” – he started – “Thank you… for listening. Last night, I mean.” – Carlos smiled in return, then Liam looked down for a second – “And also, I’m…” – It’s so hard to speak right now… - “I’m sorry for lashing out, on that first night.” – He looked up to see Carlos’ eyes – “You were just helping me and I said a bunch of shit… I didn’t even know if it was true-” – Carlos raised a hand in front of him, interrupting Liam.
“Don’t…” – he said softly – “Don’t apologize… I know it wasn’t that you had something against me…” – he inched closer to Liam, not knowing if it was okay for him to wrap his arms around him. Why is he doubting himself so much? – “I…” – he started, struggling to look at Liam in the eyes – “I meant what I said last night… Now, I know it’s a lot to ask… but please…” – he held the other man’s arms and squeezed them gently, and looked at him in the eyes – “Please, don’t die on me.” – there was a sense of urgency in his speech, Liam frowned at the floor, tears welling up in his eyes.
“I… I can’t…” – he couldn’t finish his sentence, and Carlos’ eyes went slightly wider at the realization that maybe Liam had no plans of getting out of Raccoon alive.
“Listen, you don’t have to do it for me… do it for Jill, okay?” – he squeezed the other man’s arms a little more – “Just…” – and he finally had the courage to hold him in a tight, longing embrace – “I have no idea what’s going on in that head of yours. I have no idea what you went through. I don’t know you…” – he pulled away from the hug, holding Liam by the shoulders – “But I want to know you. And as much as I appreciate what you did for me last night, and how you opened yourself to me. I would love to have a chance to see you well.”
Jill listened intently, hiding right on the bathroom doorway, she couldn’t help but smile softly at that last statement, she had her reservations about Carlos before, but maybe it was okay to trust him. With that thought, she decided to come out of her hiding spot, the two men quickly separating each other at her presence, which made her have to suppress a small chuckle.
“You guys ready to go get this guy?” – she asked, Carlos nodded.
“We’re all set, let’s go get Dr. Flint” – and Jill raised a brow, quickly whipping her head at Liam, who looked away from her just as fast. Carlos started heading outside to scout the immediate surroundings, and Liam tried to follow suit, but Jill grabbed his arm.
“Are we going to look for who I think we are?” – she said in a whisper, Liam tossed his head to a side and gave an exasperated sigh, and that was enough of an answer to confirm Jill’s suspicions, Liam shook off her arm and ran after Carlos before she could say anything else though.
‘This is bad…’
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Their quest for food on the previous night had led them away from the Umbrella Main Building, so they had to backtrack for a fair while., and since Fall was starting, the sun had started to set pretty early. Again, they all noticed the population of infected kept increasing, washing away hope of finding any other survivors.
They passed through the street where they had defeated the damn monster… except…
“Guys…?” – Liam started, worry painted on his tone. – “Where is… its body…?”
The three of them looked at each other, just how did that damn thing survive… AGAIN? There seemed to be a lack of undead around, too, had they migrated along with the creature?
“We’ll have to keep our eyes peeled” – Carlos said – “Hopefully we won’t run into it again…” – he wished out loud before continuing onwards. Their destination was close and Jill felt the anxiety building in her stomach at the prospect of finding Nathaniel, she couldn’t even begin to imagine how Liam could be feeling. He was dead quiet, and Jill had no idea what had happened exactly, but something in her gut told her it was going to get ugly.
“Guys, I’m going to check if I can find more water… I’ll be right back!” – she sprouted out that last part before jogging away at a convenience store’s general direction. Liam and Carlos looked at each other, a bit weirded out by the sudden gesture, but waited patiently for her to come back.
Once she was out of sight, she took out her radio.
Carlos heard the device on his ear receive the call.
“Carlos? It’s me, pretend like you are talking to Nicholai, or something.” – Jill said to him. Carlos did his best to hide the face he made, turning his back on Liam before pressing the button on the device in order to answer.
“Alright… What’s up?” – he asked.
“I need to know something. Listen carefully, this is important…” – she started, Carlos just kept quiet and waited for her to continue – “Is this Dr. Flint called Nathaniel?” – Carlos’ face contorted into shock despite his best attempts to hide it, thank fucking god he had his back on Liam still.
“How do you know this?” - He asked, as calm as he could, on the other end of the line, Jill gave a stressed sigh in response.
“Fuck… fuck! This isn’t good… Listen, Nate and Liam used to know each other… before he was… gone.” – Carlos raised an eyebrow.
“O-kay…?” – what did she mean by “gone” …?
“I know it’s unavoidable for them to see each other at this point, but I need your help to keep an eye on Liam, I still have no idea what happened 4 years ago but something tells me it wasn’t good… and I don’t want Liam to get hurt…” – the concern in her voice was so genuine, Carlos sucked in a deep breath before answering.
“You got it, man. I’ll get to it, the sooner we get out of here, the better.” – he said, then ended the call. He turned and saw that Liam had been looking at him the entire time, anxiety rose in him for a few moments, but he rationalized it was impossible for Liam to be able to hear Jill from his earbud… right?
“Liam, could you call Jill? Nicholai is pressing me to find Dr. Flint asap.” – he asked the other man, just to make sure he didn’t suspect anything.
Liam did just that, and as soon as Jill was back with them, they continued onwards towards the building, just a couple blocks away. The air was thick with tension as they got closer and closer.
“Alright…” – Carlos started – “The building should be around this corner…” – then shared a look with Jill. The sounds of the undead filled their ears the closer they got to said corner. Carlos raised his index finger to his lips, then gestured Jill and Liam to stay low as he walked slowly, back against the wall, to the edge of it.
He peeked his head around and sure enough, there was a big horde of the fuckers waddling around in front of the building, a lot of them looked like they were in uniform, several security staff, white collars and lab coats dressing the walking corpses. He retracted back and approached the pair waiting for him, crouched down.
“There’s a lot of them…” – he whispered to them – “We will need to look at each other’s backs if we want to get through.” – Jill nodded at him, then looked at Liam, he seemed out of it, looking out into nothingness as sweat built on his brow.
“You okay?” – Carlos’ voice broke him out of his state, Liam just kept quiet and nodded – “Alright… let’s do this.”
The three of them turned the corner and were greeted by a crowd of zombies. They all got ready and charged forward, each wielding their own weapon, ready to tear through the crowd and bring it down before they entered the building.
Thankfully, Jill’s trip on the early morning had them prepared for this, so the first few minutes went with no issue… That is, until Liam saw a familiar face from behind the broken glass doors of the building. A half-rotted, all too familiar face.
Liam froze, his eyes fixated on the one standing corpse as his breath started to get labored, unadulterated anger rushing through his body and filling his mind in an instant. The bat he had slipped off his hands, calling to Carlos’ attention as it hit the floor. He approached Liam as he saw the man about to mindlessly walk right into the horde, barely able to grab him by the arm.
Nothing could have ever prepared him for what he saw next.
His blood ran cold in fear as he saw Liam slowly turn his head to him, his eyes bright red, as if all the blood in his body had gone into his eyes and to his sclera, his face was twisted in animalistic rage, pale and riddled with bulging blue and yellowish veins. Liam opened his mouth, and a deep guttural voice sounded out.
“L̴̖̜̩̼̘̯̯͋Ẹ̵̹̯̻̞̻͆T̶͓̐̽̐̃͛͗͠ͅ ̵̱̜͚͓͂̐̀̉͂̕M̴̡̜̜͑̒̑̄̉̕͜E̴̯̠͚̹̺̲̩̍ ̶̩̻͇̞̜̲̈͑͌G̶̯̘̟̒̊̈́O̷̱̍̄͒̋.̶̦̟͙̻̲̒͂̈́̈͘͜”
Carlos’ hand went limp for a split second, allowing Liam to charge into the horde, grabbing his hunting knife, letting out a battle cry as he made a bee-line for that one corpse, that goddamn fucking corpse, right at the entrance of the building.
Jill heard Liam’s voice and turned to see him in the middle of the horde, fast approaching the door, and Carlos, frozen in place. She ran up to the man and snapped him out of it.
“What the fuck? I asked you to keep an eye on-” – she started to scold him, until he saw Carlos’ face white as a sheet, looking at her with wide beaded eyes.
The zombies clung onto Liam as he made his way through, his arms and torso scratched and bitten, but he just kept moving forwards as if there was nothing other than him and his target.
He gave a second scream as he launched himself to the corpse he had spotted, making it fall on the ground.
Jill and Carlos started to desperately clear out the horde, gunning the zombies down as fast as they could, they couldn’t see Liam anymore, but could still hear him, loud and clear.
Liam pinned the living corpse’s arms under his knees and stared at it for a second, rage building up in his blood. That face, that fucking face. He gritted his teeth and rose his knife, wielding it with both of his hands, and stabbed his target in the chest, over, and over, and over again.
“You piece of shit!” – and another stab – “After everything you’ve done to me!” – another stab – “You think you can just get out of it the easy way?” – another stab, the corpse’s chest started to lose shape, becoming a mess of mushy flesh and blood.
“Fuck you!” – a stab – “Fuck you, fuck you, FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!” – he screamed repeatedly as he continued stabbing the chest of the creature that just barely moved underneath him at this point.
Jill and Carlos had finished cleaning out the rest of the zombies, and Liam could hear them fast approaching.
He sat up, his hands bathed in red up past the wrist, and looked down one more time, then let out a pained cry as he delivered a final blow into the undead’s head, killing it for good. Then he sat there, still holding his knife, his face buried in his hands as the other two finally caught up to him.
They looked in horror as they saw Liam heaving out breaths, still on top of the half-rotted, and now horribly mutilated, corpse.
Jill took a closer look and her breath got caught in her throat for a second – “Is that…?” – This is a far cry from what she expected, never in her wildest dreams could she imagine Liam reacting like this.
Liam just grabbed the ID card still attached to the corpse, and handed it to Carlos, never looking up as he wiped his hands on his shirt.
Carlos wiped the blood off the card to be able to read, then gave a defeated sigh – “Nathaniel Flint…” – he said quietly.
Liam’s sudden, pained and loud gasp for air broke the pair out of their shock, now noticing the state of Liam’s arms. Jill fell on her knees, defeated, there were so many bites on him, it was impossible for them to find the vaccine before it was too late, she thought. She buried her face in her hands, concealing the stream of tears that started to run down. Carlos rushed to Liam’s side, panic welding in his stomach, and a heavy knot growing in his throat at the prospect of being forced to see him turn.
He shook all of that off, and fumbled around his pockets to get gauze, his hands shaking.
“Let me… I’m gonna patch you up, and we’re looking for that vaccine, okay?” – he said, in complete denial, his eyes burned from the hot tears welding up in them – “Here, just-” – he reached to grab Liam’s arm and start bandaging it, only for Liam to pull away.
“It’s fine…” – he said quietly. Carlos reached for him again, not listening, which made Liam stand and step away from him – “I’m telling you, it’s fine!” – he yelled, Carlos stood and went for him instantly.
“Liam, please. We still got time!” – he said, holding the other man’s shoulders – “There’s still time, we can-” – but he was interrupted by a low, cynical laugh escaping Liam’s lips.
Jill looked up at them, and noticed Liam’s grip on his knife get stronger, his knuckles going white with pressure.
“How about I just show you?” – Liam said as he took a single step back from Carlos. Jill felt a deep primal fear at those words, and nothing, absolutely nothing could have prepared her, nor Carlos, to what they were about to witness.
Liam lifted his shirt, exposing his stomach, a long old scar dividing it in half, longwise. He proceeded to bite on the lower hem of his shirt, keeping his torso exposed, as he raised his knife in the air.
Then he swung it down into his own stomach.
Their eyes widened and their jaws dropped, their faces twisted in shock and hurt, unable to accept what was happening in front of them, as well as to move a single muscle as Liam rose his knife back up, and stabbed himself yet again, letting out a pained grunt.
Carlos snapped out of it and went closer to Liam, as he delivered a third stab into his gut.
“Stop! Liam-” – he screamed, tears streaming down his face as he grabbed Liam’s wrist before he could stab himself again. Liam struggled to free his wrist for a second, before Carlos wrapped his other arm around him in a tight hug. Grief washed over Liam, and he let the knife slip from his hand as the both of them fell on their knees.
“Why did you do this?” – Carlos sobbed quietly into Liam’s ear; the other man had his arms down on his sides.
“It’s fine…” – he said again.
“ITS NOT FINE!” – Carlos cried out loud, but Liam just calmly put one of his hands on Carlos’ nape, guiding him to look down.
“I’m telling you… it’s fine. Look…” – he said, quietly as he lifted his shirt again, and guided the other man’s hand to touch him. Carlos couldn’t believe his eyes as he wiped away the blood.
There were no wounds, just the scar he had seen a few moments ago, he decided to do the same on Liam’s arms, as he wiped away the blood, he saw none of the bites remained.
Liam finally unbandaged his hands, showing his palms, pristine and unwounded, as if nothing had ever happened to them. Jill crawled closer to them to see; words caught up in her throat as she grabbed one of Liam’s hands.
“What…? How...?” – Carlos breathed out, and Liam broke down.
“I can’t… I can’t die.” – he said as he started sobbing uncontrollably – “I can’t die, Carlos. I can’t die!” – he said as he hunched down, clinging onto Carlos’ shirt for dear life as he cried – “They… He did this to me…” – Carlos could only hold him close, looking into Jill’s eyes, their gazes mirroring their emotions. Liam wailed so loud, as if he was being tortured – “I’m so tired. I can’t take it anymore, I’m so tired… I just want to go…” – he confessed as he cried.
Guilt hung over Carlos as he remembered Liam’s reaction at the realization that he worked for Umbrella. A certain question echoing in the back of his mind over and over.
‘Do you have any idea of how many lives have been destroyed or ruined in the name of your company?’
‘I don’t… And I’m sorry…’
He held Liam closer as he cried with him.
‘I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…’
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