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am-i-the-asshole-official · 3 months

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AITA for venting to my friend about my fiancée?

I (24M) have been with my fiancée (26NB) for about 3 years now. I try to avoid venting to my friends about it when I’m having little relationship annoyances because I used to do that for a while and it ended up with them just getting a horrible image of her because when good things happen that make me happy I would be responding IRL with my fiancée or gushing about it publicly e.g. on Twitter which most of my friends don’t use, vs when bad things happened I’d go to them to vent directly so they were only seeing the shitty moments. They would just always tell me she sucked or to break up with her which just wore on me because I don’t want to do that, they know I don’t want to do that, they know I don’t think I need to. Our relationship is super affectionate, has helped me massively in improving mentally and socially and in my confidence, makes me genuinely happy, and is for the most part, with certain problems we’ve been working on aside, healthy.

It’s not a communication issue or anything, I’ll address any issues with my fiancée directly as well and we’ll resolve it between us, just sometimes I’d feel the need to vent out my upset first while calming down or talking through what to say to her before I brought it up etc.

However this changed recently. my fiancée has always been a very physical person, she’s cuddly and loves kisses and just general touching, and that also translates into her playfully hitting me a lot, which I’ll do as well. Smacking each other on the ass when we pass each other, jokingly hitting each other’s arms (gently) when we’re making fun of each other, stuff like that. Very occasionally this will bother me (the other day she pinched my face hard enough that it hurt for like 20mins afterwards) but for the most part I genuinely could not care less and I take it as all in good fun.

She has never hit me in anger before, until today. She was playing a video game and died, and I laughed while sitting next to her when I saw it, and she just turned around and hit me full force. Like, harder than she’s ever hit before, and causing genuine pain. Usually I would just brush it off because like I said she hits me in a joking way a lot, but when I kind of gave a startled “ow” she just looked at me and hissed “Don’t laugh” through her teeth and she looked genuinely pissed off, and the force behind the hit just caught me completely off guard. It was also very very sudden because we’d been talking normally and light-heartedly, had even been cuddling a few minutes before, and although she was pretty clearly exasperated at the game (sighing, saying “oh my god” when the fight was going downhill) I didn’t think it was serious anger, so her abruptly whipping around and hitting me like that was so sudden and whiplashy I didn’t even have time to register it.

I have PTSD (C-PTSD? don’t remember what the specific diagnosis was) from my last relationship which was abusive in pretty much every way you can think of, and one of my biggest triggers that has been relevant in this relationship as a result of it is raised voices/anger around me (not necessarily At me, just like when my fiancée is getting frustrated or stressed and she’ll start hitting her keyboard or shouting and it’ll make me start panicking), but this is the first time I’ve had to confront being triggered by a physical violence thing. I started dissociating like hell so I left the room when she was distracted by the game and ended up slipping out of the house to call one of my best friends via Discord and lowkey cry about it

I genuinely don’t really remember what I said, the gist was just that I’d been triggered by my fiancée hitting me in anger and that I needed to calm down before I went back. This may have been a dick move because this friend is a mutual friend of me and my fiancée - I knew her first and am closer to her, but she recently met my fiancée in person for the first time and they seemed to get along well, and we’re in several servers and stuff together.

After I was done I went back in and my fiancée apologised for hitting me so hard. I said thank you and we moved on

But afterwards she confronted me because my friend had sent me a message after that basically just checking in on me and my fiancée had seen the message on my laptop that she was using to game. I usually have my Discord on Do Not Disturb when she’s using my computer just so she’s not bothered by notifications beeping at her constantly so I’m not sure if it wasn’t on for some reason and it popped up on-screen or if she minimised the game and saw it somehow, but she was incredibly upset with me because she said I’d made her out to sound physically abusive. I did explain that I’d made clear to the friend she’d never seriously hit before this, but she said that didn’t matter because it was still giving off that impression and that it was unfair because her hitting me was done in a moment of frustration/anger and I shouldn’t have laughed at the game.

I apologised and we dropped it but I do notice that since then she’s been on my computer/phone more often and she’s slid into a few of my friends’ (and I mean My friends, not ones she talks to or knows and not ones I’d said anything about this to) asking if I’ve ever spoken about her and if she can give her side of the story. My friends came straight to me about it because they felt uncomfortable with what they saw as being prompted to talk about me behind my back.

Reasons I don’t think I’m TA: She hit me, and I know she vents about me to her friends too, and although it does bother me that her friends don’t like me because of it (for I assume much the same reason some of mine don’t like her for, AKA only hearing about negative stuff) I’ve always maintained she has the right to do it. I think everyone should be able to vent to friends about partners or family and vice versa in private because venting is normal and as long as it’s not dishonest or just pure shit-talking them I think it can be helpful and even healthy.

Reasons I think I might be TA: I went to a mutual friend so she also has something to lose if this friend forms a negative opinion of her, I laughed at her dying in the game even though I know she gets incredibly frustrated and competitive in games, and I’ve never had an issue with her hitting me more playfully before so she may have just misjudged how hard it was.

So AITA for telling my friend my fiancée hit me / getting so upset about it or is it just PTSD acting up and making me overdramatise something that is basically on the same level as the joke hitting?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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hoe4sports · 1 month

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Caroline Graham Hansen | Discovering a new side (18++)

A/N: This is a mature +18 imagine. Do not read if you are under 18, easily triggered or in an unsafe place. The Spanish is taken directly from google translate, so do not judge the Spanish. You get the point.

TRIGGER WARNING: Semi angry, strap on, light spanking, riding, domination, mommy. All the warnings basically.

(IMAGINE STARTS UNDER GIF)

The referee blew the whistle signaling for the match to be over. The fans broke out it screams of Joy, and the home team was jumping together in a circle screaming about their victory. My girlfriend had just played a game against low ranked Scotland, and lost tremendously leaving their chances of the next World Cup in the trash. We both played on the national team; but i was currently not playing as my acl was causing me pain. Caroline would always take it very personally when Norway lost, and it didn’t help that she hadn’t been scoring goals with Barcelona lately either.

As the match was over some of the girls fell to the ground,. Aurora Mikalsen, Norway goalkeeper kicked the goal and chucked the ball out of sight. Everyone was finding ways to release their dissatisfaction, disappointment and imagining the dreaded headlines. Caroline was different. She would go quiet until she had processed what was wrong, and usually within a few hours she would be okay.

“Baby, come here” I said as I walked towards her on the field. She walked straight into me, and wrapped her arms around me for comfort. I looked up at the tall winger and she looked like she was dissociating. Dissociating was always her escape in times like this.

We walked into the warderobe where some of the girls were sobbing while others were trying to be as fast as possible. Gemma Grainger was Norway’s newest coach after the last coach had mentally ruined multiple of our star players. Gemma was a good woman and she was handed a national team that was a mess. “Girls, listen. We are allowed to feel sad right now. It’s okay, we need to process. Tomorrow, we start fresh. Our ranking has climbed from 12th best to 7th best. That’s something to be proud of. I want all of you, playing or not, to remember that you are the reason as to why we have skyrocketed the rankings.” she finished as the spirit in the group slightly brightened up.

As we got to the hotel, Caroline was watching the game on her phone. In a closer inspection, she was watching her mistakes over and over. When she finished, she jumped to the next game, watching all of her mistakes again and again and again. “Baby” I mumbled as I leaned towards the disappointed woman sitting in the chair by the desk looking more like an analyst than a player. “Maybe it’s time to put the phone away?” I suggested as I kissed the back of her neck lightly. No response. “Caz, how about some food?” I suggested as I kissed her cheek. “Caroline, perha-“ I started as she cut me off by turning around. “No Y/N, I need to figure out why I am not working!! I need to find a solution to this problem or I will end up never playing again!” She screamed as her eyes moved over to the phone again. I sighted, Caroline wasn’t one to yell and I had probably only heard her yell 2-3 times within the time we had been together. Strangely enough, I always felt a burning sensation between my legs as she showed her more, let’s say dominant side. That side only came out when she was angry and would yell. I decided to push my luck, and tried again. “Baby.. Let’s try to decided what to-“ I started as I once again was cut off by her turning the chair around to face me. “I said no, I don’t want too. Stop being so fucking annoying before..” she screamed, but stopped as her eyes got glued back to the screen to see herself appear in the picture. I wanted to rest my luck. I wanted us to have rough sex. To have her be dominant. Assertive. In charge. But she would always be careful and sweet, and I loved that. But sometimes..

“Baby, take it out on me please..” I whispered in her ear as I let out a quiet moan. She didn’t respond, but I could sense that she was tensing up. “Baby, use me, please.. I can take it, I can make it feel better..” I continued as I could see her focus become less and less sharp. “Will you please take it out on me, baby? I’ll be a good girl for you.. ” I whispered seductively while letting my hands slip her shoulders and under her shirt to reach for her breasts. She broke contact as she turned around and looked up at me. It was almost like her eyes had shifted to something darker, like her lust was pouring out of her eyes. Her breathing was heavier and I could tell that she was looking at my breasts. She was definitely a booby girl rather than booty. Lucky for me, as my boobs were bigger than the standard football player’s chest. I could tell that she was considering letting go, and I needed to act quick.

“Amor, por favor desquitate conmigo. Usa mi cuerpo, puedo soportarlo. Por favor, úsame hasta que te sientas mejor.” (Love, please take it out on me. Use my body, i can take it. Pretty please, use me until you feel better. )

Her eyes sharpened as she dropped her phone. “Como quieras princesa” (as you wish princess) she said as her voice sounded lower than before. She stood up from the desk chair, and with one motion; she picked me up and forced my legs around her waist with her hands resting on my ass.

“Seré muy bueno contigo, lo prometo.”(I'll be so good for you, i promise.) I whispered in her ear as I scratched her back with my nails. She let out a small moan, and laid me with my back facing down on the bed. She crawled over me, so that she was practically on top of me. I sent her my “fuck me” look and she sweared under her breath as her hands started exploring my waistline. She leaned down and kissed me softly before a grabbed her hair in a makeshift ponytail and tugged on it forcing a moan out of her lips.

“No princesa, ahora estoy a cargo” (No princess, i'm in charge now.) she said as she looked down on me forcing me to let go of her hair. I nodded, and she went back in for another kiss leaning herself on her toned tanned arms. She touched my lips with her tongue forcing it inside to dominate mine. I moaned softly into her mouth as I couldn’t simply get enough. This was all I had dreamed about for the last year, and finally she let her dominating nature out. I could feel her hand loosing the strings on my pants.

All of a sudden, she flipped me around on my belly and yanked the pants off of me. I gasped as my wet thong came into contact with the cold air. On my back, I had her name as I was still wearing her jersey from the game. She was massaging my ass violently as she moaned. “Fuck baby, my jersey.” She moaned as she tugged on the jersey. “Yes baby, I made sure to let everyone know that I belong to you” I said as I could feel her hand stroking the back of the jersey where her name was located.

“Eso es correcto. Todos ustedes me pertenecen, baby” (That's correct. All of you belong to me.) she said in a low voice as she started kissing my neck from behind while pulling on my hair. “Are you gonna be good?” she asked as she grabbed one of my boobsfrom behind forcing me to moan. “Yes, I’m gonna be so good. So good.” I obeyed as she pulled my hair tighter. “Let’s test just how good you are then, princesa.” she growled as she let go of my hair and body to stand up. She pulled me up from the bed and carried me to the desk, laying me with my ass over the desk.

Suddenly, her hand made contact with my ass. That itself was enough to send me over the edge. I moaned out loud as she grabbed my ass pulling it upwards towards her. “Be a good girl for me, and stay still.” She growled in my ear as she had me pulled back by my hair. Fuck, this was really going as I had hoped. I loved this new side of her leaving me wanting to obey everything she would request me to do.

I stayed still trying to move my hips in the hopes my red lacy thong would relieve me of some pressure. Caroline was rumbling around the room and I wanted so bad to turn around to see what she was doing, but I wanted to be good for her. I had imagined this the day I purchased a double sided strap on. The one for the giver was shorter and upwards, while the one for the receiver was longer and wider. Let’s just agree that I had a clear vision in mind when I purchased it a few months back.

I was standing bent over the desk as I could feel Caroline coming back for me. She smacked my ass again, and I moaned louder than ever before. “Oh, fuck baby, I need you” I whimpered in hopes of her long fingers making their appearance. Instead, I was surprised by the strap on I had purchased going full force inside my pussy from behind instantly hitting the sweet spot. “AH, fuck baby, yes please” I screamed out in pleasure as I held on to the desk. No time to adjust. I knew from the treatment on my ass that I was already close. “Fuck babygirl, you are taking it so well.” Caroline moaned out as stopped without any warning. She lifted one of my legs up on the chairs next to the desk. “My perfect girl, wearing red lacy underwear underneath my jersey for a whole day without letting me know” she whispered in my ear sending chills down my spine. Her hand was barely touching my folds through my panties making me desperate for her.

As I was about to whine, she went in with the strap at full force going even deeper than before. Her hips thrusting harder and deeper with every trust. I could feel the tension growing in my abdomen, and I instantly knew what was about to come. “Caz, I’m so close, I’m gonna cu-“ I started as I was cut of by my own orgasm making an entrance. She pulled out immediately.

“Te dije que te corrieras princesa o eras una chica mala?” (Did i tell you to cum princess, or were you a bad girl?) she growled as she turned me around and looked straight into my eyes. I couldn’t help myself but look at her soaked pussy with the double strap. “yo era una chica mala” (I was a bad girl) I replied with attitude forcing her eyes to widen as she let out a quiet moan.

She picked me up again, and practically threw me on the bed. She ripped off my tiny panties and I moaned as I could feel the cold air make contact with my throbbing pussy. As I was enjoying the cold sensation with my eyes closed, I hadn’t discovered that Caroline had positioned herself with her head between my legs. My eyes opened up as she entered my sensitive pussy with her tongue licking my folds and nibbling on my clit. “Ah, Caroline, more please” I moaned as I gripped the sheets while she continued exploring my insides. Her tongue started throbbing in and out of my walls. “AH, more daddy, more!” I screamed out in pleasure as she continued not realising what I had just said. She responded with her thumb rubbing my clit while her soft tongue pushed in and out of me. “Ah, baby, I’m gonna have to cum” I moaned as I arched my back. “Beg babygirl” she responded as I noticed that I was barely able to talk. “I can’t hear you” she repeated, and I moaned again. “Please, I need to cum. I have to cum, please let me cum in your mouth daddy.” I cried out as I grabbed her hair and tugged on it. “Do it for me baby” and with that I came hard, I squirted on her face and buckled my hips upwards. She grabbed my hips, and forced them down again as she glared at me. “MINE” she growled as she started licking up all my squirt.

When she had gotten every last drop, she laid down besides me and propped me on top of her. This was new. She looked into my eyes and brushed my hair behind my ear. “¿Cuánto puedes tomar antes de venir princesa?” (How much can you take before you cum princess) she whispered as I swallowed. “As much as you need me too.” I said as she kissed my head and dragged me out of bed. She put me on my knees as she stood with her strap levelled with my mouth. I looked up at her with the most seductive look that I could, and with that she took the strap and held it infront of my lips.

“Chupa la polla de daddy ahora, princesa. Muéstrame lo desesperada que estás por mí.” (Suck daddy’s cock now, princess. Show me how desperate you are for me.) She growled as she touched my lips with the tip of her cock. I didn’t even realise that I had called her daddy, I just obeyed. I opened my mouth and she put it in, gagging me as she held my hair and pounded it in my mouth. I sucked her off as she was eyeing me as I was gagging.

“Fuck baby, I’m so close” she stunned as she threw her head backwards. And I stopped. Her head flashed towards me and her eyes was even more lustful. “You need to be punished.” she moaned as she pulled me up on my feet by pulling my hair. She then picked me up as she sat herself on the bed and laid back. Leaving me sitting on top of her.

She grabbed the cock forcing her to moan as the giver cock moved with the receiver part. She rubbed the cock along my folds before inserting it. “Ride me, babygirl. Show me how it’s done. Let me cum first.” and I? I obeyed as I started bouncing on her cock giving friction to the part inside of her. She moaned loudly as her breathing was becoming heavier. I picked up the pace, and my boobs were now bouncing ruthlessly. She looked at me, and forced me to lay forwards so she could reach my boobs with her mouth while still riding her. She put my nipple in her mouth and used her other hand to massage the other boob.

I could see her starting to shiver meaning that she was close as I kept riding getting closer and closer to my own edge. “Ah, baby, yes, yes, don’t stop, be a good girl now, let daddy cum” she stunned as I continued. Her cries were stopped by herself moaning so loud that I was worried that the neighbours was gonna hear her. “Ah, fuck, yes!” I looked at her “I’m gonna cum, baby”. I said as I felt my insides tensing up again. “No, I’m gonna cum first. Keep going, baby.” She commanded and I swore I was about to have my eyes roll back into my head.

I was slowing the pace down as I was so close and so sensitive, but Caroline was in charge and she started bouncing her hips picking the pace up. “Oh my god!” I yelled as she thrusted deeper and deeper with ever move. She was working her hips in ways I had never imagined. “Say my name babygirl.” She commanded. “Ah, yes, yes , Caroline please, please let me come!” I screamed loudly as she moaned. “No” she growled, “the other name.” And then it clicked for me. “Yes, daddy, yes please let me cum!!” I screamed as she was shaking, trying to hold herself back from coming. “Please,” I screamed “only you can make me cum like this! Fuck, Caroline!” I screamed on the top of my lungs as I was a second away from cuming. “Cum for me princess” Caroline growled as i came all over her cock in sync with her orgasm. She slowly stopped thrusting by going slower and slower with every move until our synched orgasms were over. We passed out next to each other, and I couldn’t believe what had just happened.

I turned to face her, and noticed that she looked a little bit taken back by her newly discovered side. We were both pretty out of breath as we laid next to each other. We had talked about boundaries one time when she was drunk, and agreed on a colour system if we ever needed one. She was laying on her back, staring upwards. “Color?” I suggested. “Orange” she motioned back. I jumped up immediately, and helped her unbuckle. Orange was different to us then to others. We had traffic light systems for during and after sex. Green was no aftercare needed, Orange was that aftercare was highly wanted and red was that aftercare was pretty much required. I kissed her forehead, and rushed to the bathroom as I turned on the water to the bathtub. I grabbed a cold water from the fridge and dragged her along with me to the bathroom. She sat down first in the tub, and I sat down behind her guiding her to drink from the waterbottle. She relaxed in my arms as I kissed her head. I kept repeating how much I loved her, how beautiful she was and that she was safe. After a few mins of cuddles, she got back to herself. “Hi baby” I said as I smiled while she looked up on me. She smiled back. “Thank you baby.” She muttered and I hugged her tight. We sat in the tub for a while until she was ready to go to bed. As we turned around to walk to the bedroom, she tossed her jersey at me. “I like you better with my name” she said as she smiled knowing that one day, I was gonna have her lastname.

#caroline graham hansen #woso imagine #smut

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drdemonprince · 3 months

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It’s 9:30 am on a Monday, my regularly-scheduled time for a workout. Like always, I pad across the floor of the living room, roll out the yoga mat, arrange the dumbbells, and flip open my laptop to find a follow-along strength training video on YouTube. The algorithm knows my patterns and proclivities. Populating the first row of content is a perfect encapsulation of my weekday psyche: a thirty-minute shoulders and abs video, a fresh episode of The Bald and the Beautiful to listen to while I complete it, and for relaxing afterward, a 60-minute livestream in which a sweet-faced middle-aged mother named Sammie is repeatedly dropped into a hypnotic trance and made to repeat mantras of obedience and servitude by her loving hypnotist and boyfriend. I love all the sides of hypnotized Sammie: when she is made to be a giggling maid, and when she dons fuzzy ears and mewls like a cat; when she devotedly calls her hypnotist Master and erases her memories for him, and when she freezes, smilingly, into a happy doll begging to be played with. I’ve watched all of her hours-long livestreams in their entirety, some of them multiple times, her vacant, entranced stares and stiff, robotic movements sending my own body roaring into a satisfied climax, sometimes without even touching myself. But I am not attracted to Sammie at all. In fact, I’m not at all attracted to women. To the extent that my sexuality involves making contact with other people, I’m a gay man, exclusively interested in other queer men. But to even bother with that distinction confuses things a bit, because ultimately my sexual orientation does not hinge upon people’s identities or bodies. Though I can admire the beauty of all kinds of people, and even feel a handsome man igniting my curiosity at times, ultimately I’m just not really “into” human beings at all. What I’m into is hypnosis. Or mind control, brainwashing, and conditioning, if you like. Hypnosis is the bedrock that holds my psychosexual landscape together; without it any potential engagement in sex slips, and falls apart into nothing. Hypnosis is the anchor that keeps my insatiable libido grounded; without it, any possibility of having satisfying sex floats away, and my mind dissociates from the event as it’s happening. I’m a deeply sexual person, and I always have been. I discovered masturbation early, at around four or five, and took part in it actively, getting caught a few times as a kid before I learned to sequester into my bedroom for it early in the morning and late at night. Beginning in my teen years, I got into the habit of pleasuring myself for between an hour and a half to two hours per day, and that rate has continued throughout much of my adult life. And yet, I am also asexual — because as much as my body craves sexual release, and as often as I pursue sex, my drive has no relationship to how other people look, or anything else about them, and my release doesn’t need to involve any specific sexual activities at all. Hypnosis is sex to me. Even in its most stagey and sterile forms, I find it inescapably erotic — and that leaves sex itself as just some boring party trick. You can touch me, or you can perform a series of backflips in front of me on the floor; either way I’ll tell you that you’ve done a very impressive job and all but it will not make me cum.

You can read (or listen to!) the full essay for free at drdevonprice.substack.com

#asexuality #hypnosis #hypnokink

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bakubunny · 4 months

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give and take

a/n: retired (disabled) shota x disabled reader hurt/comfort fluff. pls read all the tags; this is very self indulgent bc that’s how i feel like writing today. also i did a quick grammar check but this is generally unedited.

tw: neurological disorders, tics, muscle spasms, speech problems, dissociation, functional seizures, established relationships, l-bomb, reader is called baby, babygirl, daddy as nickname/title (used once)

You stood in the kitchen, chefs knife in hand as you cut the last of the vegetables out before you. Shota rinsed rice at the sink on your right. You froze briefly before a muscle spasm shot through your hand, then a small tic. It was hardly any movement, but he caught it in the corner of his eye. Five years into retirement, you’d swear Shota was still sharp as ever.

“You okay?” he asked.

The sound of water stopped.

There was a slight hesitation in your voice. “Yeah. I’m good.”

With a few measured slices, the job was done. Your hand seized again. The large knife clattered onto the counter.

“Shit, sorry,” you said. More for yourself than him, perhaps.

Another small vocal tic.

Shota glanced your direction. “Let me take care of the rest.”

“Really, I’m-I’m fine, Sho,” you replied, transferring the cut onion onto a plate.

The subtle shift in his face told you he held his tongue this time when he’d rather not. Sure, you had a bad habit of pushing yourself too hard, but Shota had no room to talk on that. He knew - especially now - that life didn’t stop just because you did.

You shut your eyes; one pulled back and rolled for a second. Your body grew tired and heavy. “Just been a long-”

One moment, you were standing, the next, your legs gave out beneath you. There was a clang when the metal bowl of the rice cooker hit the floor. Rice and water splattered nearby as Shota caught you, body limp in his arms.

“Baby?”

An eyebrow twitched in response. Your head lolled forward painfully. Shota pulled you back into his shoulder and carefully lowered you to the floor, your head in his lap. A muscle spasm ripped down your spine as your back arched, muscles so tight that your extremities shook and your vision blurred once it passed once your eyes opened. Head foggy and empty, you fought your body to respond. A small groan left your throat.

“I’m right here. I love you,” Shota said, running his fingers through your hair.

Another look of fear crossed your face with a whine. You wanted to apologize and crawl into his arms, but your body stayed still. And your husband knew you too well.

“Don’t be sorry.”

You laid with him as spasms came and went, along with your awareness of the things around you. When you came to a little, your fingertips stretched out seeking his hand, so he reached for yours.

“Hey, babygirl. You with me?” he said.

“Mhm.” You still couldn’t move much. But this was something.

“Am I okay to carry you?” Shota asked.

“I… think so,” you said.

With relative quickness and the ease of a practiced hero, he gathered you up in his arms and carried you to bed.

･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆

You laid in bed with Shota, your head on his shoulder, finished dinner plates on the tray he’d set at the end of the bed, and sighed.

“Sometimes I really hate all of this,” you said. “I hate that you have to do so much for me. You’ve got enough to handle.”

“You’re the love of my life. Why would I leave you to suffer?” he asked.

When you stayed quiet, he continued. “It’s give and take. You do just as much for me.”

“I know…” you replied. “Sho?”

“Mm?”

“If… if I take care of the dishes, will you take a bath with me?” You played with the hem of his shirt.

Shota smiled softly. “You want daddy to wash your hair, baby?”

A grin pushed at your cheeks. “Maybe, yeah.”

“You don’t need to do anything to have that,” he replied. “I have the energy tonight. Let me take care of you.”

You hugged him tighter. “Thank you.”'

if you’d like to be added to my tag list, let me know. ♡

gremlins: @arlerts-angel @dcsiremc @darkstarlight82 @bookcluberror @neon-gothicc @zazter-den @breadandbutter33 @i-literally-cant-with-this @rinalouu @stvrfir3 @r4td0lll @emmab3mma @aria-chikage @mhadabiandhawks4eva @yazminetrahan @doumadono @dreamcastgirl99 @maddietries @jazzafayesworld @karebear5118 @unofficialmuilover @cherriluvs35 @erensslut @ruu-https @hana-yuri @keiva1000 @katsul0vr @trickster-kat @ayeohoh-blog @dinomeow @flamgosstuff @mistressreaper @angelltheninth @anonymously-ominous @amberexe2 @hisconsistency @nanamisbigassschlong @223princess @honeeslust @naughtygobbo @acenanxious @blumoonwisteria @chaos-gem @levizonlywife @kxtsxkii @nuttyunknowndetective @katsuslover @yooxverse @jjamiee21

#i don’t miss days like this #and i’m glad they’re rare now #but here you go #hope u like it #aizawa shouta #aizawa shota #aizawa x reader #f!reader #x reader #disabled reader #disabled characters #bakubunny

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shipaxe · 1 year

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My experience being wrong about multiplicity

Hi. For a year and a few months more, I believed I was a system. Why did I believe this, and what are some reasons I did, as well as how I realized I was wrong? Why I thought I was a system Around September of 2021, I labeled myself as an endogenic median system. Upon finding the system label, I did nowhere near enough research before labeling myself as one. It felt like the non-traumagenic community didn't care; if you thought you were a system, you were one! If you didn't, you weren't. It felt black and white. Eventually, I realised I had trauma I was unaware of, and switched to the label traumagenic. I was no longer median, either. In less than a year, I had 100+ "alters", almost all "fictives". While this can happen, I don't believe I was nearly as stressed as I would have needed to be, and just.. didn't feel right. Other factors that lead me into the belief I have multiple other disorders. Specifically, I suspect I have BPD, and the dissociation, mood swings, sense of emptiness, and identity issues impacted me a lot. I mistook these symptoms for OSDD-1. I subconsciously started sectioning off parts of my identity, and felt more and more separate- hence the switch from median to multiple. I am also fictionkin and polymorph otherkin. Around 20 of my "fictives" ended up being kins. I am also, to put it simply, lonely. I never feel like I fit in. In the system community, sometimes I DID feel like I fit in. When I didn't, someone else was "chilling in cofront". A lot of them were like imaginary friends to make me feel less alone. Those ones don't even feel like a part of me, but they're not separate people, either. They're just.. figments of my own imagination. To be honest, I've felt much lonelier upon learning I am a singlet. How I realized I was wrong Honestly, it was somewhat obvious. Many of my "headmates" felt like they were a part of me, and if we had different bodies, it wouldn't be the same- because they were me. I also subconsciously started to copy symptoms I didn't have, I switched as I wanted, I was fictive heavy- which can happen, but it's rarer than people realise. My trauma was not severe or repetitive. I could go on. A big problem in the system community is the "everyone is valid" mentality; I believe MUCH more research should be done before labeling as a system, and not enough people talk about it. Another issue is that not a lot of people talk about being wrong, and personally, I was terrified to tell people I was wrong. It's fucking difficult. There's too much "you're valid! you're valid! you're valid!" and not enough "hey, it's okay if you're wrong!". When I panicked around the time I realized I was wrong (and denied it for weeks), I never received an "it's okay if you're wrong". All I got was "hey, calm down, you ARE a system". I think the community has a lot to fix. This has fucked up my dissociation issues and identity problems worse than they were before. I wish I had realized I was a singlet sooner or never jumped into this label. Not all of these mean you're a singlet, but if you relate to this, please be open to the idea of being wrong. Thanks for reading this. Please share this- my goal with it is to help others. Have a good day/night, drink some water, and know that it's okay to be wrong. ☆

#did #osdd #osddid #osdd system #did system #traumagenic #endogenic #nontraumagenic #faking #osdd 1b #osdd 1a #median system #multiple system #plural system #polyfragmented #fictive #factive #introject #tags are just for reach

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coexistentialism · 29 days

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I asked my therapist a while ago if she feels that it does seem like it's a lot more difficult for me to figure out my alters and figure out my system and switches than it looks like for other systems - that is, I've always felt like it's extremely difficult for me to understand any of this stuff - my alters, my switches, my inner world, my system, etc., and I've always felt like it seemed like it wasn't as difficult for other systems as it feels like it is for me.

She said that she agreed with me, but mentioned that not all systems are autistic and that she felt a big part of it was because of me being autistic. And it got me thinking.

Not everything described will fit every single person perfectly. Even if you read one of these descriptions and find that might things fit you, but other things don't, or that some things fit you in different categories, choose whichever describes your experiences MOST.

For example, if everything described in "extremely difficult" relates to you, but things described in "neutral" also fit you, choose whichever relates more/most. This also means that if ALMOST EVERYTHING match your experiences in one section, but a few others don't match, STILL CHOOSE THAT ONE!

If your experience has changed over time, answer with how you first started out learning about your CDD!

Extremely Difficult: (All of these things describe my personal experiences)

You basically never "have a sense of self" - you probably don't even know what I mean by that. You probably feel called out by me saying that (lmfao).

"Who's fronting?" is a question you basically never have an answer to. You might not even really understand what that means or how to even answer that question.

Despite this, you/your alters may have strong senses of selves; may have distinct sets of traits that may seem covert at first but may become very obvious to those who may realize their different alters; you may each have different names, genders, sexualities, personalities, etc.

Or, you may NOT have very distinct sets of traits and may generally share the same sense of identity/self. You may not have very strong/distinct/overt differences in personality, behaviors, traits, etc.

You may feel that multiple of these descriptions may match how you feel.

You're probably more likely to have high dissociative barriers within your system/between alters.

Your dissociative amnesia may be very severe, though you may be incredibly unaware of it. This, too, is evidence of your dissociative amnesia and high dissociative barriers, and I am probably still calling you out lmfao.

More likely to not have an inner world, but not necessarily.

More likely not have been completely, or mostly, unaware of your system, your alters, and/or yourselves as your own indivdiual alters most, or all, of your life.

May or may not be polyfragmented (or suspect that you may be).

If you're like me, you may just essentially seem like a "Singlet." You may just use one name, but the question of "which alter specifically is fronting?" is something that I feel like I will never have an answer to, even in the future.

Neutral:

You might know who is fronting a lot of the time, but you still struggle sometimes. You might have one "main" host who is fronting most or all of the time, and you might really only struggle with knowing who is who every so often. It may have been a bit difficult figuring out your alters at first, but you probably didn't spend years upon years upon years trying to understand where "you" "end" and a different alter begins. Your alters probably have at least some decent senses of selves to be able to be aware that they even exist, even if it might still be hard to know who is fronting sometimes.

Not That Difficult/Not Difficult At All:

Most/all of you/your alters and such have a very strong sense of self - you probably have your own individual names, ages, genders, sexualities, etc. and feel as if you are your own distinct individuals. You almost always know who is fronting and there may only be rare episodes where you may be more stressed and, as a result, may struggle to know who is fronting, but you mostly know who is fronting most of the time.

You may have lower dissociative barriers, although not always!

You may have less dissociative amnesia than another system, but not always!

You may or may not have a vivid inner world.

You may or may not be polyfragmented.

#my posts #actuallydid #actuallyosdd #osdd system #partial did #did system

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secret-subject · 8 months

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How does it feel like to be hypnotized?

I find this question to be a hard one to answer. Loaded with subjection and people get very hung up on the details sometimes. It's funny because everyone experiences it differently, we know this. Everyone is different and responds to different things and ways to play with hypnosis. But what I also find interesting is how trance can feel different:

With different people

On different days

At different times

Let me explain.

So lately I've gotten back into listening to files, (recs later if you ask nicely) because after getting on medication for depression back in 2019 it felt weird to be hypnotized myself and I didn't really need it as much as I had previously. Now I've been off those meds for a long time and am now on stuff for my adhd instead so I thought I would give it another try and, it feels very different. Pre-2019 trance for me felt like a mixture of "blacking out" and "being really drunk", everything got really hazy and I would just sort of fade into the void. I've had experiences which felt more like an out of body situation. I dissociated so hard I just wasn't in there anymore for a little while, I had others that were just light and I could easily come up at anytime and chose not to. Because of my general training I was very easy, super suggestible and with the right people a lot of fun apparently. It has never been super consistent and it took years of dedicated practice to be like this. I think a lot of the time when people would see me hypnotized before people would assume that's just how I am, but I've been doing this stuff for years to get any result. Especially in skills like amnesia, body catelepsy, and even getting thoughts out of my brain and basic in and out of trance, getting "deeper" each time. But coming back with a proper diagnosis on my neurodivergence and the right meds changed the feelings I used to have ans has evolved them.

So right now, I've noticed a few things. The trance is less consistent and this is good? It's good because it tells me that well the conditioning is now less "overall brain is getting more sticky" like it would before and now "brain is very much more sticky but only for the ones who put work in or who I listen to a lot". I have a bit of a voice thing and I'm very picky so this works out when now adays I tend to also listen to my hypnosis creators friends work, it's easier and it could also be a rapport thing. I know them so I know that I can trust them to be safe and also I know I can back out when I need to. I've also worked a TON on subject agency since when I was younger I was very much a pushover when it came to hypnosis. Being a dominant full time now for the last three years after my switch era helped with this. I've gotten very good at saying no and highly recommend this is a skill we all learn, even though it can be a hard one to get started with. So yes, I know I can wake up any time (with most people) but I just don't want to. So when I'm listening to files I now notice the different people feel different. Some I find more relaxing, others I find more of that focus depending on what they say and how targeted the audio seems to be at me and my brains working mechanisms. If you tell me to "focus" and "listen" it's like a switch goes off in my brain and I'm there, versus a more permissive, relaxing vibe which tends to take more time to really get to me. This also changes on a day to day basis, but I think it's like compounding conditioning that clearly is building over time with practicing and training to certain voices.

The feeling started as what is very similar to my hyperfocus mode I go into on the daily with my adhd. It's intensely focused to the point where nothing else matters, and sometimes my eyes don't close on their own and almost wait to be told to "drop" or to close them on instinct. I'm very bad at relaxing into trance. I now notice my body flopping (being so relaxed I just flop over somewhere) a bit like it used to but not all the time. Sometimes this feeling is more like I'm frozen in place. I've even dropped into trance holding my phone lately and when I woke up i was still holding it in perfect place or practiced sitting up in trance, it's like a freeze trigger no one had to impliment. I've learned I can be just as "deep" of not "deeper" with my eyes open and in a sort of mid/waking trance state. I also noticed sometimes my eyes do still roll, so that's kind of cute.

Yesterday, I had a really intense trance experience, probably the most intense I've ever had in 12 years of doing this. It was literally seconds of it, the words happened and they hit me, my eyes were open the whole time but super blurred and I couldn't see anything clearly. I just sat there but it literally felt like a giant wave of pressure hit me and I was just in it. This insanely incredible force washed through me and I just went down so fast I didn't have time to think about it and it was just a couple words. It was like being just frozen in time with the pressure encapsulating you and it wouldn't let go. Normally I would have forgotten this (because my memory play is very well trained and I have a brain like a sieve because adhd) but I could remember it clearly, the feeling I mean, the stuff outside of how I felt is very blurry. I don't know or am able to remember what was said to do it, it just was and that was very interesting to know that in my years of doing hypnosis from both sides, that these feelings are still evolving for me.

Anyway, what does trance feel like for you? Does it change for you? And what kind of practice are you doing to get those feelings? I'd love to hear from people!

#hypnosis #hypnok1nk #hypnosis community

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babaukulele · 1 year

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Panic

Hawks almost faces his greatest fear, thank goodness your there to help him come back down to earth.

CW: anxiety, light disassociation, comfy happy ending. Hawks thinks he didn't save you in time.

A/N this is an extremely self indulgent fic. Dissociation has been a long time struggle for me and I sometimes project onto my comfort characters to see it from the outside and think about what would help. If you have similar struggles this is one of many methods that's helped me in the past. I can make a more detailed list of techniques later if could help anyone.

Angst to fluff my darlings, not very proof read i’m sorry

1050 words.

He could feel his heartbeat racing. His body couldn't move although his mind continued to race. People were sprinting around and yelling. One of the sidekicks shook him by the sleeve, she could see the barely concealed panic in his golden eyes, his pupils thin slits.

A building had fallen behind him. Your building. He had been a few blocks over, the sound of the apartments crashing simply mixed into the chaos of the attack. He had captured 10, saved hundreds that day from the destruction. Not that any of it mattered. His knees buckled, panic rose in his throat, his chest constricted. He forgot how to breathe. He staggered towards the rubble as the rescue efforts continued. He couldn't take it. He couldn't stand the thought that you might be–

“Hawks?”

You stood behind him. Thank god you found him. You had heard the commotion, been called into action, and had run out to the streets helping people to evacuate. He turned to you sharply and froze. You immediately recognized what had just happened.

“Help me check a vantage point. I want to see something.” you point to a skyscraper maybe half a mile to the north. You kept your eyes on him, he didn't dare look away. His sidekick looked between you. Whatever you needed was important.

“We have it covered here, Hawks. We will see you back at the agency to finish up the report.” She gave you both a quick thumbs up and ran back into the commotion.

You nodded your thanks. He still felt frozen. You walk over and give his arm a quick pat. You needed to leave the public eye. Immediately.

“Come on feathers” you mutter.

He finally shakes awake, grabbing you and spreading his wings for lift off. His adrenaline still coursing through his veins, you make it to the building within the minute. He has an uncharacteristically awkward landing and you try your best to hide your stagger. Finally he lets out a shaky breath. He has helped you countless times through your fears. The shock hits him like a wall and he starts to breathe heavily. You pull him to the ground to sit with you. He stares at your hands as his eyes start to well up. Losing you was his greatest fear.

“Hey, Kei.” you keep your voice low and gently hold his hands in your lap.

“I- I thought that…”

“I know, I'm sorry I should have updated you. They called me to help evacuate a little after you arrived.” It was meant to be your day off. Thank goodness you were on call that week.

He shook his head, still rattled and unsure. You watched him carefully.

His breath hitches. You had a feeling you knew what was coming next. After so many years of suppressing his every emotion, his brain had saved him time and time again in the only way it knew how.

His breathing grew shallow, his eyes started to unfocus. His brain overwhelmed, he starts to check out. You were both familiar with dissociation and how scary it could be. You also had grown close enough to recognize when it started and what could help each other.

You gently grasp his cheek and tap your fingers a couple of times, bringing a new sensation. You needed to act quickly yet gently.

“Hello my love. I’m sorry, I know that was terrifying”.

Your other hand grabbed his wrist and placed his palm on your own pulse point.

“We made it out though. I am very much still alive, a few bruises here and there but no blood loss, no head injuries, no broken bones I swear.”

His eyes barely lifted to where you laid your hand over his. Good. any response was a good response. You smiled softly.

“Now we get to sit here together, right? The sun feels nice this time of day…”

Locking in his senses again was essential.

“...the wind messed up your hair a bit, I like it like this.”

You run your fingers over his scalp, he leans into your touch. Your heart aches for him.

“The ground is still here to support us…”

You pat the cement below you holding you ironically about 50 stories high. His breathing starts to pick up again.

“I’m so glad you brought us here birdie, thank you.”

His eyes widen at you. You smile and move closer into his lap, pulling him in for a hug. You feel him breathe in your scent, his favorite he always said. Sappy bastard.

He lets out a sob. You try to hide your smile and rub his back.

“There you are”

He gently shakes against you, finally gaining his feeling back to his body.

“I thought I lost you.”

“I know. But you found me didn't you?”

He pulls you closer and squeezes.

“I couldn't even look for you. I couldn't even move.”

You huff a laugh.

“Well I guess I was the one who found you this time. It's okay. We will find each other.”

A tear hits your shoulder, you continue to sit with him.

“I’m sorry” he whispers

“For what?”

“For freaking out, for crying, for not coming sooner.. I don't know just all of it.”

You pulled your head back and caught his face to look at you.

“Now that's not fair is it? Should I apologize for needing your help when I'm scared? Are my emotions an inconvenience for you?”

He shook his head, almost panicked.

“No, no of course not!’

You wrap yourself against him once again.

“So why would you? I like helping you, it makes me feel good. Don’t be selfish and take that away from me.”

He huffed a laugh. Calling your kindness selfish…

“Lets stay here as long as we need. We can figure out an excuse later. Just, be with me for a bit?”

He wraps his heavy wings around you and nestles his head into your neck after a gentle nod. He felt small. But he had you to protect him, a new feeling he could never truly regret.

The sun continued to warm your skin, the wind ruffled your hair and his wings, the building held you high away from the chaos. You both let yourself feel, together. Until you were ready to join the world below once again.

#kiego takami #kiego x reader #hawks #hawks x reader #cw #cw dissociation #hawks fluff #hawks angst #mha #mha hawks #bnha hawks

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kilobaxis-blog · 8 months

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Why I think Donnie 2012 has BPD too

BEFORE I START THIS . I'm aware donnie has OCD CANNONICALLY but the OCD and BPD comorbidity, although not studied often, occurs often. About 15–44% (NIH Joshi, Gagan).

1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

I feel like this is the most dominant criterion for BPD. Donnie displays this by formulating elaborate plans to prevent april from not hanging out with him and saving her father after he got mutated --which I am aware is mostly because he's a good person and wants to save another human being-- but also it's pretty obvious he thinks this will bring her back to him.

RSD ( rejection sensitive dysphoria) is also VERY prominent in people with bpd. This is shown in episode 10 Fungus Humungous. Not just the rejection of April but of people all together seeing that april in the first few seasons is represented more of a concept to him rather than somebody he actually loves.

2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

I think it's safe to say the relationship april and donnie has is unstable. Mostly on donnie's end. He is shown to idealize her often but also has snapped on her once in the show when she didn't act/respond the way he wanted her to in season 1 episode 9. All of this is mostly in Donnie's head because the feelings aren't reciprocated, but the relationship for him at least is very intense and he has intense feelings about it.

3. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

Donnie has A LOT of mood swings throughout the series. More than any of his other siblings and not saying a lot because of raph. It's mostly just anxiety and irritability that only lasts a few moments in the episode.

4. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

I think Donnie displays paranoid ideation wich is characterized by persistent thoughts of distrust or suspicion. This is usually targeted at casey (the love rival) but sometimes it's inappropriate when casey and april are just standing next to one another.

5.Impulsive behavior in 2 areas that are potentially self-damaging.

Donnie is a teenage boy so this is a strech but I've seen him be impulsive with driving and making rash decisions in the heat of the moment. This is not to be confused with this compulses wich is diffrent from impulsive behavior.

6.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

This one was kind of hard and maybe also a bit of a stretch because I do feel like Donnie does have a sense of self but when it's challenged he has an identity crisis and it sends him spiraling. When he can't fix something right away the one thing he thinks he's really good

at he begins to doubt his self immediately. This often occurs with people with BPD because we might lach on to one aspect of ourselves to have some sense of identity but when it's disturbed we get very discouraged/ depressed.

#tmnt #tmnt 2012 #donnie 2012 #2012 donatello #2012 donnie #teenage mutant ninja turtles 2012

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radiostaticsmile · 2 months

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On Alters and Personality Disorders

Disclaimer that I am not a researcher and this is based on my understanding of different studies and of my own personal experience being a system with personality disorders and knowing systems with personality disorders

Often I see the question can on alter have a personality disorder that other alters do not. It seems to be hotly debated without a real answer, most people just extrapolate because studies on that specifically are hard to find and combine knowledge of systems and personality disorders but be used to make an inference. I am going to be doing the same thing here,

However one thing that I have not seen anyone mention that has greatly helped my understanding of this topic is the idea which has begun to exist relatively recently within psychology that personality disorders are really all the same thing at its core, a disorder which occurs in response to trauma, and the specific symptoms and disorder you will be diagnosed with is dependant on which survival methods worked best for the traumatizing situation that the person was in.

For example in situations where it was dangerous and likely to get the victim hurt by their abuser to care about the abusers feelings they will likely develop a PD with low empathy like NPD or ASPD. For situations where avoiding the abuser was possible and the best method something like AVPD may occur. And those who need to be highly attuned to their abusers emotional state and weather they get hurt or not depends on how the abuser is feeling may develop BPD. This is an over simplification but you get the picture.

Dissociative disorders are also caused by trauma. And abuse is complicated, so different survival strategies may work at different times, and using a method that works sometimes will actively get you abused more at other times. For singlets this can cause more than one personality disorder with symptoms that mix and overlap. For dissociative systems, this can mean different alters present different symptoms. Alters will often form because the system needs different survival strategies in different situations, and different alters will fill those roles. So it makes sense some alters will have symptoms of a personality disorder that another alter does not have. One alter may fit enough criteria for a diagnoses of a specific personality disorder while others may be missing key aspects of the disorder, so in tis way I do think it is possible. You can say they are just symptom holders and the whole system has it, or you can say just they have it, its really just arguing semantics at that point, since it is fairly clear within the community that many systems have alters who meet diagnostic criteria while other alters in the same system do not.

I do think it is possible for an alter to have a specific personality disorder that is not system wide, because specific personality disorders are not really separate from each other, but rather which symptoms do you present, and different alters present different symptoms. However, I also think that if any alter has a personality disorder, everyone in the system would most likely have a personality disorder of some kind (unless they have a highly specialized role or are a fragment that would prevent this, but the system as a whole would still be personality disordered). This is because the trauma changing the brain that created the personality disorders affects the whole system. It can affect different alters differently, and some specific symptom sets may be contained to only a few alters, but being personality disordered in general would affect everyone, or at least that is what I have come to believe based on my experience and research.

It also seems like just based on what I have seen that alters will frequently gravitate around a few presentations/specific disorders that show up in several alters, like a system of six may have 5 with BPD, and 3 of those also have NPD (meaning 2 with both), more likely than every alter having an extremely different disorder presentation from each other, and then varying symptoms between alters within those subsets of symptoms. This however is not based on any research and is just personal experience since this topic really hasn't been studied enough.

This is not meant to invalidate or dictact any one else's experience or beliefs around the topic but I haven't seen anyone discuss the theory that personality disorders are a single disorder with highly varied presentation and I wanted to add that idea to the conversation.

#npd symptom holder #system #did #plural system #osdd #personality disorder #symptom holder #symptom holders #essay #now broadcasting #personality disorders

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kerubimcrepin · 1 month

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Liveblog - Dofus, livre 1 : Julith [PART 10]

These sweets are so appetizing...

Due to the way this stall looks, I am assuming that these are types of candy that ouginaks and ecaflips love, and not literal animal food. Tragic.

Things Joris wants forgiveness for: leaving a bestie with cops (after she asked him to leave), disobeying his father after he folded on their plans for 99th time, telling his father that he's CRINGE and FAIL using his real cringe fail moments, and running away while having a mental breakdown.

Danmn he's so evil and bad for this fr fr......

Anyway, I think Joris's love language is gift giving and acts of service, and Kerubim's is words of affirmation and gift giving.

(This is wild ass headcanon territory because Atcham is a rarer character, but: Atcham's are acts of service and quality time. Source? It came to me in a vision.)

The street signs in this movie are killing me.

The Dofus Pets 2 ad says Dofus Pets 2.

Cute ad! It looks familiar though...

There ain't no way that these two pieces of art don't use some of the same reused assets...., I refuse to believe in that reality.

Joris is dissociating and Khan is trying to get his dick wet. Their friendship is so special.

By the way, the fact that they cut the "Khan makes/lets Joris do underage drinking, with many horny Khan-loving women present" scene still haunts me. Why? Why must have they forsaken me this way...

I still believe Khan bought Joris alcohol on regular until the guy was finally 18. I want to live in a world where Khan helped suicidally depressed 14yo Joris have a "coffee with cognac in the morning, chicken with cognac in the evening" lifestyle, and it's like one of the reasons Joris is still alive or something.

My other thought on the topic is that Atcham (imagine him being physically 4yo in this scenario), taught Joris how to smoke cigars. And then he had the shit beaten out of him by Kerubim (also 4 years old).

This is like his 60th divorce.

And he's never even been married.

Man.

The reaction to the door opening is IMMEDIATE.

THE PLATONIC DIVORCE #61 HAS BEEN CALLED OFF. But genuinely, it's so cute seeing how happy he is...

Joris thinking these things about him is his worst nightmare. AND the little guy is in danger. So, chances are, for a few hours he spent time thinking about how bad of a father he is, and how it's his fault that Joris is god-knows-where and in danger and also HATES him and will NEVER forgive him.

AND the disciplinary action he takes is just so chill and cute... (cough-cough, my own thoughts on whether Joris was based for this aren't relevant, because 1. he ran off god knows where and children shouldn't do that, and 2. even though his grievances are valid, he did bring them up as hurtfully as possibly, with some really fucked and irrelevant things too, just to make Keke feel pain at that moment. Which is not something one should get in the habit of.)

Your agonized twitching and worried faces have both bewitched me heart and soul.

He's literally still infant/toddler sized... So small, compared to Lilotte...

Sometimes, we say horrible things, when we're angry. They love each other so much... They're both willing to look past all the imperfections.... (throws up on the carpet like a cat)

No commentary, I just like seeing him afraid.

She and Kerubim have beef, as has been mentioned in many past posts.

Bakara does her fighting with the same icy, emotionless expression, that she had during her conversation with Kerubim at the bar. This is her "I am going to kill everyone in this building" resting face for when Julith is mentioned.

Kerubim is SHOCKED by how fast she leaped into combat. Also, I want to think, disappointed. This is too dangerous of an enemy to spring into action like that, simply out of rage, while having literally no combat experience...

Because like, Kerubim and Julith are veterans of a war/multuiple wars.

While Bakara is a 20~yo, freshly graduated, alcoholic nepo-baby.

Let it be known I don't like Julith. She is a fun character to watch, but... I feel like the fandom treats her as someone who's done no wrong, despite all the evidence we are given to believe that she is a horrible person.

She was framed, and she did love Jahash, but that doesn't take away from anything else. She beat the shit out of Bakara here, even though she could have restrained her much more gently, — she dug into Bakara's insecurities and called her a poor little fool too.

I really doubt Jahash would have liked that. (Same for her plans of killing a thousand people though, so, I really doubt she gives a shit about his wishes at this point.)

She does THIS SHIT. Jesus christ! Maybe, just maybe, she would know of your feelings, because she loves him just as much? Maybe that's why she wants to kill you as much as you want to kill everyone in Bonta? Have you thought about that, you hot topic customer-looking edgelord?

Besides her hypocrisy, she was known for her ruthlessness, even before the war. There's a reason they still call her a butcher. Which is why I kinda dislike how often this stuff is swept under the rug by fans making cute content.

...I do support women's rights, but I also support women's wrongs, and Julith has a lot of those. She's tragic, but also evil.

Unlike someone like Nox, she makes no effort to empathize or connect with people who oppose her, and knows no mercy. At the very least, Nox had a twisted sense of morals, and could whip out an epic "you're just like me fr...." during a battle.

#ro liveblogs dofus #dofus #wakfu #krosmoz #dofusmovie

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meraki-yao · 3 months

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RWRB Quotes that speak to me on this really fucking shitty day

Hey, have I told you lately that you're brave? I still remember what you said to that little girl in the hospital about Luke Skywalker:"He's proof that it doesn't matter where you come from or who your family is." Sweetheart, you're proof too.

It is, indeed, bullshit. It's all I can do not to pack a bag and be gone forever. Perhaps I could live in your room like a recluse. You could have food sent up for me, and I'll be lurking in disguise in a shadowy corner when you answer the door. It'll all be very dreadfully Jane Eyre

I'm afraid, though, I'm stuck here. Gran keeps asking Mum when I'm going to enlist, and did I know Philip had already served a year by the time he was my age. I do need to figure out what I'm going to do, because I'm certainly closing in on the end of what's an acceptable amount of time for a gap year. Please do keep me in your- what is it American politicians say?-thoughts and prayers

It drives me nuts sometimes that you don't get to have more say in your life. When I picture you happy, I see you with your own apartment somewhere outside of the palace and a desk where you can write anthologies of queer history. And I'm there, using up your shampoo and making you come to the grocery store with me and waking up in the same damn time zone with you every morning.

Have you ever had something go so horribly, horribly, unbelievably badly that you'd like to be loaded into a cannon and jettisoned into the merciless black maw of outer space?

I wonder sometimes what is the point of me, or anything. I should have just packed a bag like I said. I could be in your bed, languishing away until I perish, fat and sexually conquered, snuffed out in the spring of my youth. Here lies Prince Henry of Wales. He died as he lived: avoiding plans and sucking cock.

Specifically, we were discussing enlistment, Philip and Shaan and I, and I told Philip I'd rather not follow the traditional path and that I hardly think I'd be useful to anyone in the military. He asked why I was so intent on disrespecting the traditions of the men of this family, and I truly think I dissociated straight (ha) out of the conversation, because I opened my blasted mouth and said, "Because I'm not like the rest of the men of this family, beginning with the fact that I am very deeply gay, Philip."

Once Shaan managed to dislodge him from the chandelier, Philip had quite a few words for me, some of which were "confused or misguided" and "ensuring the perpetuity of the bloodline" and "respecting the legacy." Honestly, I don't recall much of it. Essentially, I gathered that he was not surprised to discover I am not the heterosexual heir I'm supposed to be, but rather surprised that I do not intend to keep pretending to be the heterosexual heir I'm supposed to be.

Sometimes I imagine moving to New York to take over launching Pez's youth shelter there. Just leaving. Not coming back. Maybe burning something down on the way out. It would be nice.

9. How hard you try

10. How hard you've always tried.

11. How determined you are to keep trying.

give yourself away sometimes, sweetheart. there's so much of you.

They all turn to look at him, and Alex feels a wave of something so much bigger than himself sweep over him, like when he was a child standing bowlegged in the Gulf of Mexico, rip-tide sucking at his feet. A sound escapes his throat uninvited, something that he barely even recognizes, and June has him first, then the rest of them, arms and arms and hands and hands, pulling him close and touching his face and moving him until he's on the floor, the goddamn terrible hideous antique rug that he hates, sitting on the floor and staring at the rug and the threads of the rug and hearing the Gulf rushing in his ears and thinking distantly that he's having a panic attack, and that's why he can't breathe, but he's just staring at the rug and he's having a panic attack and knowing why his lungs won't work doesn't make them work again.

He's faintly aware of being shifted into his room, to his bed, which is still covered in the godforsaken fucking newspapers, and someone guides him onto it, and he sits down and tries very, very hard to make a list in his head.

One.

One

Once upon a time, there was a young Prince, who was born in a castle. And there had never been a prince quite like him: he was born with his heart on the outside of his body.

Whereas the other princes and noble children could withstand the slings and arrows of childhood, the Prince felt everything acutely. Everything seemed to touch and threaten his unprotected heart.

Oh for Christ sake Alex, for once! I wish you could see me for who I am and not who you want me to be! Sometimes, I don't think you know me at all!

I wasn't raised by a loving, supportive family like you were!

Nothing will ever happen to you.

I don't want your protection, I want your support.

#rwrb #red white and royal blue #rwrb movie #alex claremont diaz #henry fox mountchristen windsor #henry hanover stuart fox #firstprince #book quotes #personal #i can't anymore

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five-thousand-loaves-of-bread · 2 years

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I am wondering what catatonia feels like for you, if you don't mind answering. Hope you are doing well and once again wanted to tell you how important your voice is on this site.

heheh thank you, nice to see u again

gonna talk about general info about autistic catatonia and personal experiences. all the non-personal experience info are from book catatonia, shutdown, and breakdown in autism by dr amitta shah, i very much not far in book but will summarize what i read so far.

so. experience autistic catatonia. which can look different from classic acute & severe catatonia in disorders like schizophrenia (preface/p. 17). so can't speak about that kind of catatonia. but personally also have apraxia and dissociation/dissociate from body, so have hard time separate catatonia experiences from apraxia from dissociation sometimes.

types of catatonia in autism outlined by dr shah (p19-25)

1. chronic catatonia & catatonia-type deterioration and breakdown

change & deteriorate in ability to make voluntary movements & activities, to point where affect daily functioning, independence, behavior, quality of life, etc.

also occur w regression of skill & independence

may not show classic signs of acute catatonia

2. acute catatonia (general)

aka the classic signs of catatonia

3. catatonia as shutdown

temporary shutdown of social interaction & communication during acute stress & get back to normal after stress pass

4. episodic/lifelong catatonia-type difficulties

not deterioration/breakdown but have chronic or episodic difficulty start movement & activities

5. catatonia features

not necessarily diagnostic of autistic catatonia especially if don't have deterioration or affect independence

so personally. when i say autistic catatonia, mean #1, chronic catatonia. have trouble voluntarily control own movements and also deteriorate so much.

don't really mean #3. although also experience it sometimes. autistic community call it "autistic shutdown" more and like that more because distinguish from chronic autistic catatonia.

primary difficulties & manifestations of autistic catatonia (p29)

increased slowness (in walking, response, self-care, etc)

movement difficulties (diffcult initiate, freezing & getting stuck, hesitations, difficulty crossing thresholds, difficulty stopping movement, may affect speech & eating)

movement abnormalities

prompt dependence

passivity & apparent lack of motivation

posturing

periods of shutdown

catatonic excitement

fluctuation of difficulty

personally pretty much experience all of them, except for maybe #6 posturing and #8 catatonic excitement? (also don't have a lot of trouble cross threshold like go through door and such), or at least only very mild forms of 6 & 8.

personally. get stuck a lot. have trouble start thing, from get out bed to brush teeth to do homework etc, all the big and small things. sometimes want to say thing and can't get body to say thing. may freeze mid action, like typing this post, do it very slowly because freeze in between every few words. sometimes mid doing things, just start staring and freeze in the position i hold.

biggest way to describe is just. get stuck all the time. stuck in head. freeze. body inclined to stay still, have really hard time control. so many times stay in head and stim inside head when can't stim with body because can't control body.

literally like newton's first law!!!!! objects at rest will stay at rest, object in motion will stay in motion (unless acted upon by an external force aka in this situation prompts).

need a lot of prompts. verbal or even physical prompts from other people. habit charts and behavior charts and phone reminders and even alarms don't work. need someone prompt.

autistic catatonia + communication difficulties mixed together means that rarely initiate conversation (either no interest or catatonia can't), need specific concrete questions, can't answer general vague big questions. literal stuck when asked big vague questions. sometimes stop talking/freeze when finish answering the explicit part of the question bare minimum and physically cannot continue elaborate unless someone ask another follow up question for prompt (other times don't recognize need to say more but that's more autism communication differences).

somedays good days and body more unlocked. many many many days body stuck.

not really fun.

#autistic catatonia #actually autistic #actuallyautistic #level3 autism #high support needs #level 2 autism #medium support needs #moderate autism #catatonia #nd #asd #autism #autistic #actually neurodivergent #loaf screm #answered

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