#but whats done is done and dwelling on what couldve been is a bad road to go on. esp at almost 3 am

[everybodysaycbx]

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#cant sleep... #feels weird that its been 10 years now. shes been gone for so long now but i remember it so well #the pains like a phantom pain tho. i can remember her without crying (tho i am now lol) and not all the memories hurt #but the pain isnt always detatched from the memories. that part of my childhood where she was always there feels......idk how to describe it #im always aware that its gone and sometimes i can live with the reality of it and appreciate my friendship with her #but sometimes the hurt comes back so forcefully and so painfully i want to scream and scream #and sometimes it feels like i am but i was just dissociated for a few hours #my family is still.....unsure of how to act when i exhibit pain about this. idk if its from guilt that they didnt help me initially or... #is it annoyance that this still affects me...maybe both. guess they cant get how my friends suicide when we were in high school would hurt #whether they feel guilty for how they didnt help it doesnt really matter ig bc i know they wont apologize no matter how much id like them to #idk what to do about it tho. i dont think i can just get over that at this point i mean ive waited 10 years #if anyone has advice dm me ig but dont tell me to let it go bc i just cant #ive made my peace with any culpability i have in her death and if her spirit harbors anger with me then thats fine #her family doesnt and has never seemed upset with me so i have no reason to be thinking it but idk. i just couldve done more #but whats done is done and dwelling on what couldve been is a bad road to go on. esp at almost 3 am #i hope and wish for her to be at peace and everyone who loved her to find it if they havent yet #if anyone else has had to go through this too know you can talk to me esp if you dont have anyone else #i had really no one i could talk to about it without feeling like i was burdening everyone else who was in the same situation at the time #and i dont want anyone else to feel like that so. i hope everyones well #otherwise if that doesnt apply to you but you want to cheer me up send me some cute videos or memes or whatever #ive been trying to keep my mind off it for the most part since ive had to work and dont want to have a breakdown there lol #and i have to work tonight so that would be helpful #but anyway i think thats enough of my rambling and depressing thoughts #tw: death #tw: suicide