#and im like i need to stop my brain from distracting myself with things that dont matter and my counselor is like: ur ocd is trying to make | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jovenshires · 4 months

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You’ve probably been asked this before but what’s like your fanfic writing process?? Like how do you end up writing your fanfictions?

i actually haven't but i'd be happy to talk about it!! i'm actually writing fic right now, so here's what i've done in the past like. hour. im gonna put it under the cut bc its EXTREMELY long but if you ever wanted 'katie's guide to fic writing,' here it is!

i'm pretty easily distracted, so i've gotta make sure i'm in like. The Right Conditions. that means phone face down or away if i can (rn i've got to be on call in case my boss needs smth but you get the gist) bc i WILL just open tiktok or play a mobile game. even just now writing this answer i have picked up my phone and opened pinterest. i cannot be stopped so i try to stay off it and put it down when i catch myself!!

more and more often i cant even listen to music while i write - partly bc i tend to read my work aloud to myself to make sure it sounds right and partly bc my brain will be like "you know this song omg the words are in your brain" or "you should go look at what song this is bc you kinda like it". cannot trust myself even with sound. if i AM listening to music while i write, it's either the specific playlist for that fic, playlists with the right vibes (ex: rivals-to-lovers for iwks), OR anime openings bc. less likely to get distracted when it's not in english tbh.

(huge on all of the senses so i also usually have a candle lit. im super sensitive to smells so if there's an unpleasant smell somewhere around me i will be unable to focus <3)

all that being said about distractions, i think it's important to take breaks - dont just FORCE yourself to write. that's why i'm huge on setting goals for myself - deadlines, word count goals, timed breaks. like "okay im gonna sprint write for 10 minutes and then after that ill watch some of this danny gonzalez video" or "i'll write until 3:30 and then i should go take a break and read a book." im not always faithful to my goals but i try my best!!

as for the actual writing itself, i typically just go for it. i can usually see an image in my mind and i try my best to write that out/describe it as best i can. and then if it sounds wrong i just reword it again and again until i've got it. this is kind of where my reading aloud bit comes in - if it sounds right when you say it out loud, that generally means it sounds right in the text.

sometimes i'll just have a certain scene or just scraps of dialogue and i'll write that out and be like "okay how did they get here." i never embraced writing out of order until recently, but now that i have. no going back tbh i highly recommend it. rwylm and iwks especially had scenes WAY later down the line that i wrote first. just write what comes naturally and go from there.

occasionally i do outlines, but not super often, and when i do they're vague as hell. i think a lot of my iwks outline was just "game" and then "another game but tommy is there this time." i think outlines that go too in-depth kind of take away from the freedom of writing so. if it's for you then slay but its usually not for me

i try not to worry too hard about. the style/grammar/little things as i go. of course im guilty of this and i'll stop and edit my own works along the way sometimes but i've found it's best if you keep writing and then go back later!!

sometimes when i'm writing a new smosh cast member i'll go back and watch videos/compilations of them just to reorient my brain. i've done this a lot with chanse recently!! but i also think. it really isn't that deep too NSDKFNKNK like these are fictionalized versions of fictionalized selves and so on and so forth so don't worry about 'voice' too much im trying to kick that habit myself

EDIT: oh i've talked about this before but. as for ideas/where my fic ideas come from?? i truly try to grab from my every day life. oh i went to the grocery store today? what if smosh member a and smosh member b went to the grocery store. i watched a horror movie and you know who else could do that. otherwise i pull from music/movies/tv shows/other media and be like 'this but for smosh.' i really just be pulling from my life and repackaging it thats all. start small (haircut fic) and work your way up (homoerotic soccer epic)!

and i think that's it?? i'd like to think im pretty chill about the whole thing. (read: i am not chill in any way at all but im trying my best.) anyway, it's something i'm always happy to talk about - thank you for asking!!

#ask #asks #anon #anonymous

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five-bi-five-mind · 2 years

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hii, what about a jj x tall plus size reader, and the reader is insecure about the size difference between them? im plus sized and tall myself and i rarely see any plus sized reader x jj fics

Self-Conscious

Fandom: Criminal Minds

Pairing: JJ x fem!plus-size!Reader

Genre: Fluff and Smut

Words: 1.7k+

Summary: Sometimes you let yourself get too wrapped up in your own mind, comparing yourself to your girlfriend. But JJ is there to remind you of exactly how she sees you.

Warnings: Lots of talk about anxiety and insecurity; good ol' fluffy smut, oral (r receiving), very brief barely there hint of fatphobia in past relationships

A/N: Hi anon! Sorry for your wait! Hope you like this fluffy little fic. Also I didn't really talk much about height, that's my bad.

“You’re not gonna break me, darling,” JJ chuckles softly.

She’s looking up at you from where she lay beneath you, her eyes filled with nothing but utter admiration and a soft smile spread across her face as her hands rest on the tops of your thighs. You, on the other hand, are straddling her waist and struggling with all your might to keep yourself from pressing your body fully down onto hers. It’s been a minute since you’ve been in this position and you can feel your legs starting to strain and shake from the position you’re in, currently hovering over her and only balancing yourself on your legs. You were self conscious enough to be in just a shirt and underwear in front of her, but to be fully on top of her too was becoming too much for your nerves.

“But I-” Before you could even finish that protest, in one swift move, JJ sits up and pushes your thighs down so that your entire body is pressed to hers.

“I told you, it’s okay princess.” Her hands move from the top of your thighs to grab at your waist and she’s slowly trying to urge you to start to move your hips. You’re still hesitant as you look down from where your body is now flush with hers and back up to meet her eyes. She’s just looking back at you with eyes filled with lust and just seeing that look is giving you a huge burst of confidence you didn’t expect.

See, the thing is, you two haven’t been together for very long. You started dating her maybe two months ago, and even then you haven’t spent a lot of time being physical. There was only one reason for that and it was your insecurities getting in the way. JJ, being the wonderful amazing woman that she was, was nothing but understanding and reassuring. She never pushed you, never made you feel like you had a reason to be self conscious. In fact, she treated you like you were the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen and, honestly, the more you were with her the more you felt your insecurities slowly start to melt away. But slowly is the key word here.

You still were incredibly aware of your differences. She was tall, blonde, and toned with muscles for days. You were the exact opposite of all of that. Yet, whenever you even hinted at thinking she was out of your league, JJ would stop you right then and there and go on tangents about how perfect she thought you were. It took everything in you not to outwardly cringe as she went on and on about it. Not that you hated hearing it, just that you weren’t used to it and didn’t know how to react. Loving JJ, you quickly realized, also meant you needed to learn to love yourself.

“Hey,” JJ’s hand reached up to tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear. “What’s going on in that brain of yours?”

You shook your head and gave her a forced smile, feeling guilty that you got distracted with your own self consciousness when you were currently sitting on top of the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen.

“Nothing important,” you offered, hoping she wouldn’t press.

“It’s not nothing,” JJ gave you a knowing look. Of course, it’s JJ. She always pressed.

You sighed and shook your head, leaning in for a kiss in hopes that it would distract her. Before you could, she leaned back and completely dodged your lips, reaching up to grab your chin to stop you from trying again.

“Please, (Y/N)?”

You huffed and knew you weren’t getting away from this one.

“It’s just…” you took a deep breath, trying to find the right words. “I get a little wrapped up in my own head sometimes. I get worried…”

“Worried about what?”

“I don’t know,” you tried to look away from JJ, but when you started to move your head down, the grip she had on your chin tightened.

“Why are you worried?” JJ repeated. Her tone wasn’t harsh, she wasn’t frustrated. She continued to have a softness to her questions and a look of only concern.

“That you won’t like my body. That maybe you’ll realize I’m not as beautiful as you say I-“

“No.” JJ cut you off short.

“But what if-“

“No.” JJ repeated even firmer, her hand squeezing your chin tighter for emphasis. “You’re beautiful, you’re perfect, you’re everything I could ever want. I know you don’t see yourself the way I do and it kills me to see you cut yourself down all the time.”

Suddenly JJ released your chin, only to push you off her lap and straight onto the bed in one swift move. In the blink of an eye, she was hovering over you, pushing your shirt up and off of you before you could protest.

“I know it takes time,” she murmured as she began to kiss down from your neck to your chest. “I know that people before me made you feel terrible about your body.” She continued to kiss down your body, past your chest and onto your stomach. You couldn’t help but turn to hide your face in the pillow as you felt her lips continue their trail down.

“I wish I could convince you that they were wrong, that how you see yourself is wrong.” JJ was now kissing right above the elastic of your underwear and you couldn’t stop the shiver that ran through your body when you felt her fingers graze between your legs. “You’re gorgeous and I’ll never stop reminding you of that.”

With that, you felt her yank your underwear down and pull it off your body. You still couldn’t bear to look down at her, you felt so vulnerable and exposed. It didn’t help that she was pushing your legs apart and grazing her lips up and down both your thighs. Yet, as nervous as you were, you couldn’t bring yourself to stop her. You didn’t want her to stop.

When you felt her tongue run up your slit, your brain practically short circuited. You let out a low whine that was muffled by your hands still covering your face. Her hands were squeezing your thighs, forcing them to stay spread open for her. Any other time you’d be consumed by your own inner critic for the way you looked when someone touched you like this, but it’s JJ. All she’s said tonight and every other night you’ve spent as her girlfriend has made you more comfortable with your own body than you’ve ever been.

You felt JJ’s tongue circle your clit before she started to lap at it with her tongue. It took everything in you not to continuously moan her name at how good it felt. Yet, you still kept your face hidden, too nervous to look down and see the mess of blonde hair you knew was waiting for you between your thighs. What you couldn’t help, though, was the buck of your hips when her lips wrapped around your clit. You tried with all of your might to keep your reactions contained, but it was starting to get difficult. JJ was really fucking good at what she was doing.

“Hey,” JJ whispered in between your legs. “Don’t hide from me or I’ll stop.”

It only took you a second to contemplate what she was demanding of you. Hesitantly, you dropped your hands from your face and looked down at the blonde. The sight of her between your legs, eyes looking up at you with pure hunger, made your heart stop for a moment. Without much thought, you let your hand drift down to her head, running your fingers through her hair for a brief moment only to squeeze your hand into a fist the moment she dove back in.

That only spurred her on more. Her hands moved to the backs of your thighs as her tongue went back to hungrily lapping at your clit. You couldn’t hold yourself back anymore, moaning and gasping periodically. The hands on your thighs encouraged you to move your hips and grind against her mouth and you completely gave into the feeling. When her tongue dipped down and slid inside you, any ounce of restraint was completely gone and you let out a moan that you were only slightly worried the neighbors would hear.

You couldn’t stop your thighs from shaking and your hips began to grind faster against JJ’s mouth. She could tell that you were close, you just needed a little more. Her tongue returned to your clit as she moved her hand to slide two fingers inside of you, setting a pace to match the rhythm of her mouth. It only took a few pumps of her fingers, curved to hit at just the right spot before you were pulling at her hair and begging her not to stop. Your back arched when she added a third finger, feeling completely stretched out by her, but you adjusted fast. It took two… three hard pumps of her fingers and suddenly you found yourself coming all over them, groaning her name as you did.

JJ gave you a moment to come down from your orgasm before slowly sliding her fingers out of you. You watched with hooded eyes as she licked them clean before crawling back up your body.

“You look so beautiful when you cum for me,” JJ whispered before kissing your lips. Tasting yourself on her tongue made you dizzy. She pulled back to look at you, her hands roaming all over your body as she did.

“You’re so beautiful like this, baby,” JJ repeated. You were naked, panting still from the intensity of the orgasm she just gave you, an utter mess for her. Your usual response would be to disagree, but with the way JJ was looking at you, the way she had made you feel all night, all you could manage to do was continue to melt into her touch.

JJ continued to spend the rest of that night telling you just how perfect she thought you were in between each kiss and each time she touched you. By the end of the night, you both fell asleep naked and entangled in each other's arms. You knew that loving JJ meant you were learning to love yourself and every moment with her made it that much easier.

taglist: @louderfortheback

Join my taglist here

#jennifer jareau x reader #jennifer jareau x you #jj x reader #jj x you #fanfic #wlw #criminal minds #five-bi-five-mind #plus-size reader #jennifer jareau x plus-size reader #jj x plus-size reader

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gay-dorito-dust · 1 year

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But that's why it's so fun though. There's definitely the surface level canon story.

It's fun to think, what if? Especially with easter eggs or vague elements showing the tiniest connection to another. Someone had to create that, so maybe they had an idea the viewer would too. If so, then what would the story look like if this connection is canon. Bonus points if it is canon and theres tiny nuggets all over the place. Im looking at you, eldren ring 😘👅. Overall, it expands the story and adds depth, and who doesn't like that. (Trick question: NO ONE)

Lmao YOU KNOW he was waiting!! The pan away shot was so the audience couldn't see the filthy smirk on his face after saying that. Leon is totally a "fun guy" at heart *snaps finger guns*. Definitely loves to crack jokes. It's just given his surroundings and the situation he usually in, it's totally not called for. Especially his type of...humor, which already isn't that funny in a normal environment. Then when he says it, it's a double "Oh hell no." for me, dawg.

AHHHHH lmaooo you like his jokes! You're more whipped me than! 🤣 I'm shriveling up. A chocolate eclair 💀 we gotta build that up! (I can't talk mine is as tough as extra firm tofu)

Fr I totally understand. I'd feel bad especially since he's trying to lighten the environment, plus I know he hates this more than I do. Replace me with Ashley and all I hear are gunshots, goreish noises, and foreign yelling 24/7...👁👄👁 I'm listening to "Leon's jokes on a 10 hour loop" (some of them). I'd have to scrape up the courage to think of jokes and not hyper fixating on my environment and future death or Leon's back 😉.

I'd either beg Leon for a mercy kill or do it myself. I'm not built for that world. Also if Leon actually said that, he'd get 1 good noodle star, cuz that actually made me laugh.🤡

I'm hollering!! I was thinking the same thing but couldn't find the meme!!! Thank you!!🥹

Leon is a frat party and a Bang energy drink (the only option) with a plate of hooters wings away from being the "you're not that guy pal". Maybe the trauma was worth it.

(Again sorry for any grammar mistake. I can't read or write)

I love a game with little nuggets that subtly connect to one another to weave an story beneath the common storyline. It just gives you more insight to…well everything! It’s one of my favourites that the game developers are like ‘we’re gonna give long time players a treat and new time players a fun thing to unravel.’

Ngl, Leon would single-handedly give me brain rot so bad that I start doing crappy, half asses one liners.

It’s a disease and he’s the cause.

It ain’t my fault that Leon is so unbelievably pretty! My kryptonite is pretty boys and unfortunately Leon is on-top of the list for prettiest boys!

All he’d have to do if flash me a smile and I’d be like; 😩 😳😖🥵🤤🫠

The trauma Leon has been through had altered him so much so that his coping mechanisms are to make shitty one liners to EVERYTHING.

He thinks he’s a cool kid at heart, we know that ain’t true. He’s a dorky dork that thinks his humour is the shit.

Me: Leon go to therapy, you’re obviously not okay.

Leon: Therapy is for losers and I am no loser😎

Me: you’ve missed 6 appointments, the jokes got to stop-

In all fairness he probs doesn’t think therapy would work out for him at all and also over works himself to the bone. I remember someone saying that the reasons for Leon being jacked as all hell in re4 is so he doesn’t get taken by surprise anymore.

My baby needs a hug but he’d probably be so on edge and alert that I wouldn’t be able to without triggering his fight or flight responses.

I’d get too distracted by Leon’s ass and have a deep debate within myself whether or not it’s be inappropriate to slap it. Also Leon doesn’t skip leg day. He’s got nice thighs, and arms…and back…nice tits…

Leon probably would drink bang energy in means of staying up at night. How he finds out about bang is anyones guess.

#resident evil 4 remake #re4 remake #re4 leon #Leon imagines #Leon imagine #resident evil imagines #resident evil imagine #leon kennedy imagines #leon kennedy x reader #resident evil x reader #leon kennedy fluff #resident evil fluff

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hwknshellfire · 2 years

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sunshine - eddie munson x reader

pairing: eddie x reader

summary: you are my sunshine becomes yours and eddie's song

length: 1.5k

warnings: mentions of death, sadness, grief i think, mentions of murder, mentions of drugs and satanism (vvv brief), also fluff?

a.n: MAJOR volume 2 spoilers in this post!! also i'm sorry, i hurt myself with this one. im so sorry

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…

It had become your song, somehow. In the two years of knowing him and one year of being together, you had somehow confessed to Eddie that your favourite song was actually You Are My Sunshine, from all the way back in 1940. You think you must have told him after one of your many smoke sessions, brain clouded and relaxed thanks to his pot and it came tumbling out.

When he had laughed at you, your face had scrunched up and you had whined, “Eddie, my parents used to sing this to me! I think it’s a lovely song!”

“Uh huh, sure it is, sunshine,” he had grinned back and then the nickname had stuck. Sunshine. You were each other’s sunshine and you told each other often. From then on, it became a thing between the pair of you, none of your friends understanding. And even though the memory of telling him was hazy, the feeling that the pair of you felt when you called each other ‘sunshine’ wasn’t. That was very real.

You make me happy, when skies are grey…

He sang it to you on days you were struggling with your brain, or a stressful day at school. Anytime you were sad or on the verge of tears, Eddie would pull you onto his lap, wrap his arms around you and sing the lyrics softly, his mouth pressed into your hair. He would hold you for the whole night if you needed it, finishing the song and starting all over again while you relaxed in his arms, fiddling with his rings to distract your brain.

“You okay, sunshine?” He would ask you when you finally took a deep breath and broke out of his embrace. His eyes were always so concerned, scanning your entire body for any signs of lingering sadness.

You braved a smile and nodded. “Always, Eds.” And you were always fine - after Eddie sung to you. Maybe it was because it was a soft, almost lullaby song rather than the usual metal Eddie performed with Corroded Coffin, or maybe it was the fact that it was Eddie, your Eddie, singing your song that simply melted you. This soft side, this gentle Eddie was something reserved for only you. Sure, he cared about his boys, especially Dustin and Mike, but he was different with you. It was like, at school the world saw Eddie as what he felt he had to be, the ‘freak’, the ‘Satanist’, but at home in his trailer, with you by his side, he was simply himself. And god, would he do anything for you.

You’ll never know dear, how much I love you…

Your whole world flipped upside down the day Chrissy died in Eddie’s trailer. You had stayed at home that night and had hated yourself for it when the news broke the next morning: Chrissy Cunningham was dead and the main suspect was Eddie Munson. Your Eddie. It hadn’t been announced to the public yet but you knew what would happen when it did. The whole town would believe that Eddie killed her and the man hunt would begin. But you knew better than that. Eddie couldn’t hurt a fly let alone a whole person.

Jason and his team found you first. You weren’t friends with them by any means, and they practically branded you as a freak too for being Eddie’s girl, but they didn’t pick on you as much. You always suspected it was because your parents and Jason’s were friends and he had to lay off you a bit. But that didn’t stop him questioning you a few days after Chrissy’s death. There was a knock on your door and you’d been home alone so you answered it, thinking it would be a reporter or a cop asking you more questions about Eddie that you didn’t know the answer to.

Instead, you found Jason and his band of idiots. “Oh,” you had said, keeping the door open only a sliver. “What do you want?”

He was angry, that much you could tell. And fair enough, his girlfriend was being called a druggie and had been found dead in your boyfriend’s trailer. You’d be pissed too. You understood. But what you didn’t like it when they forced themselves into your house and ignored your protests, surrounding you like a pack of dogs.

“What the hell, Jason!” You seethed. “Get out of my house.”

“Not until you tell me where he is,” he had demanded, scarily calm. His hands shook but his voice was steady. If he found Eddie…he would kill him.

You shook your head. “I told the police already, I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since the day Chrissy—well, you know. I saw him at school and then I went home.” Jason couldn’t take no for an answer at first, and it took ten minutes of you repeating yourself and demanding he leave before he did. The way he looked at you when he left said it all: he’d be back, and you’d better tell him what he wanted to know. Well, fuck that, you thought.

So you teamed up with Dustin and the gang after they sought you out to ask if you knew where Eddie would be. Your frazzled brain took a long time to figure it out but it seemed obvious once you knew. Of course he’d be at Reefer Rick’s. It was the only place he could go without being found since Rick was in jail and you and the group went over immediately.

When you eventually found Eddie, your heart broke. He was pinning Steve up against the wall, his eyes wild and terrified. He hadn’t spotted you yet. “Eds,” you breathed and he stilled. He let go of Steve and turned to you, his eyes brimming with tears. Yours welled up to and you rushed to him, taking him in your arms. He collapsed into you, exhausted and scared and the group gave you a minute. One of your hands went to his back, the other tangling in his hair and you soothed him.

“It’s okay, sunshine,” you whispered. “I’m here. I believe you.”

That blind faith, that belief that you would never think him capable of what he was accused of, almost made Eddie’s heart break. He loved you so much. What had he done to deserve something as bright as you in his life? You were the sunshine, not him.

Please don’t take my sunshine away.

You had all fought so bravely, so hard, and it hadn’t mattered in the end. You still lost. You had no idea where the rest of your friends were, all that mattered was that Eddie, your sunshine, was lying on the ground in front of you, gasping for breath. Dustin was crying and panicking, thinking of anything you could do to fix the problem. The problem was that Eddie was dying in your arms and there was nothing you could do to fix it. It was just you and Dustin and Eddie, the three of you staying behind to distract the Demobats while the rest of the gang dealt with Vecna. You presumed they had won because the Demobats had fled but not before they had done their damage.

Eddie had stayed behind, severing the rope between your world and the Upside Down to keep you and Dustin safe. He had run valiantly into battle by himself and by the time you and Dustin had climbed your way back to the Upside Down - him injuring his leg and you your shoulder in the process - it was too late.

“Come on, Eds,” you cried as his eyes fluttered. “Stay with me.”

“Bad, huh?” he croaked, still cracking jokes.

You blinked hard and the tears rolled down your cheeks. “No you’re gonna be fine.” Dustin looked at you desperately and you tried to move him, planning on getting him back through the gate and to a hospital in your world. But he couldn’t move. He was too weak.

“I didn’t run away this time, right?” he asked you both and your heart shattered.

“No, Eds,” you sobbed. “You didn’t run.”

His brown eyes flicked to Dustin and he told him to look after the ‘little sheep’ and Dustin almost lost it then. The pair of you were crying wrecks and there was no one around. No sign of Steve, Nancy and Robin. No sign of Max, Lucas and Erica coming to help. They must have their own problems. You were utterly alone with the love of your life dying before you.

“I think it’s finally my year,” Eddie said softly and you pressed your mouth together as hard as you could, wincing at the pain. He looked at Dustin. “I love you, man.”

“I love you, too,” Dustin didn’t hesitate.

And then Eddie’s eyes turned to you for the very last time. “I love you, Y/N.”

Crying harder, you leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “I love you, too, sunshine.” As he stilled in your arms, his chest no longer rising and falling, you did the only thing you could think of. You began to sing to him, rocking him gently in your arms. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…”

masterlist // requests

#eddie #eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x yn #eddie munson x y/n #stranger things #st4 #stranger things spoilers #volume 2 #joe quinn #joseph quinn #hwknshellfire #stranger things imagine #stranger things fic #eddie munson headcannons #eddie munson smut #stranger things smut

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the-little-ewok · 1 year

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A more permanent hiatus from writing

So I have made the difficult decision to stop writing, at least for Tumblr etc, on a more permanent basis. I appreciate and love every single one of you who have taken the time to read, comment, reblog, send requests and prompts. Writing saved me from a very dark place and helped me come to terms with some things.

I've had an absolute blast interacting with everyone and I won't be removing my masterlist so that will stay for people to re-read if they want.

The fact is after some big life changes and the way things are here on Tumblr right now (more on both of these points below for those who want more personal details), I just don't have the time or energy to continue writing and it has become no longer a temporary hiatus. I'm afraid this may be permanent for now.

I will remain on Tumblr just no longer as a writer.

For those who want to read no further I bid you farewell, and thanks for all the fish 💜

Tw for the below : Miscarriage, pregnancy, mental health, general complaintyness, probably too much personal details 😂

For those of you who want a better explanation on why im leaving writing..

I came to writing fanfic again after the loss of my daughter. We spent a long time trying to get pregnant, only to loose her to a premature birth (second trimester miscarriage) and then told there was no guarantee I could ever carry a child to full term. Tumblr saved me from being in a very dark place with knowing this information. The people I met here are some of the best. I loved writing, and I loved that my writing brought joy to people. It brought a light back into my life and helped me do something to distract myself. I'm greatful for every single person who interacted with my fics. You have no idea how much your support, comments, reblogs and GIFs helped me. It helped me slowly come back to myself again.

Recently we have been incredibly blessed with a rainbow baby after an extremely stressful high risk pregnancy which absolutely took it out of me both physically and mentally, and caused me to take an initial step back from writing.

I sort of underestimated how much having a child would take out of my time and I honestly just do not have the time to write now. When I do have time im probably found catching up on sleep 😂

I really thought eventually I would come back to writing and don't get me wrong, I have 10000 ideas pinging around my brain and about 15 half finished WIP but the thing is, right now I got to prioritise family time. I am adjusting to life as a mom and just a general different pace of life. I feel it would be rude of my to continue to string people along thinking I will finish your requests or that WIP I've promised may eventually appear. And I guess maybe one day they will. But I can't make that promise and I feel guilty for continuing to pretend I'll get to them eventually. So please, accept my apologies if you were waiting on something. I know a bunch of amazing writers if anyone would like their request passed onto them to be fulfilled!

Second big reason for me leaving writing is .. interaction. The absolute lack of comments, reblog, messages, anything, is unreal. Anyone can click the like button but what writers need is something that makes them feel like you actually read their work, that you enjoyed it, that you want more. Please for those writers you follow, drop them a message about their fics, ask them questions, discuss headcannons, reblog their work, tell them what your favourite line was. Anything! Blind reblog with no comments and likes make writers feel like they put in all the effort for no reward. Interact with your writers people!

So that's what it is. Maybe one day I'll post my writings again, maybe I won't. For now I'll leave you in the capable hands of the incredible Tumblr writers that remain, and again, thank you so much for every comment and reblog. I love you guys!!

#personal things #not a full goodbye #just a goodbye to writing #probably too much info #over sharing is caring #tw pregnancy #tw miscarriage #tw mental health

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orcaissance · 8 days

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15/100 ; silence

a/n: please enjoy. I’ve been extremely tired and I need major comfort from the coolest teacher in the assassin world; Koro Sensei. side note: I know that some people cannot be consoled or soothed this easily. it’s something short and sweet to get my educational gears running so I can finish out the year and to help anyone who may need a little reminder from our favorite killing machine/teacher.

creds: divider by @/cyberbeat and pics from Pinterest.

💛 ‘ Silence w Koro-Sensei.

a comfort fic for students with burnout by abyssicave

It was cold outside, not chilling, but breezy. The wind whispered softly again y/n’s face. They sniffled, and covered their face with the sleeves of their sweater. Their eyes were puffy and red, with a matching nose.

They scanned the environment; fresh blades of grass, an eternal blue sky, a vast assortment of clouds, and the scent of rain. All these things, so beautiful. Yet, y/n must sit in a boring classroom. The thought alone brought tears to y/n’s eyes, which only hurt from the excessive swelling.

“Mm? Y/n? Is that you?”, a familiar voice asked. They looked up to be met with a tall shadow, but as the figure stepped closer, they were met with a black robe, a large yellow crown adorned with a wide smile, minuscule eyes, and a small scholar’s cap. It was Sensei; Koro-Sensei. “Why aren’t you with your friends? It’s lunch time and we have a test later on. Aren’-“, he was cut off by choked crying and muffled whimpers. “Y/n?”

“Oh my ..fucking gosh!! Just for.. for one second! One, can everybody shut the hell up about stupid tests and stupid school?!”, they cried and buried their face into their sleeves, sobbing and dampening the fabric.

The expression on Koro Sensei’s face became a soft blue and his smile was faltering.

“Y/n?! What’s wrong, kid? Did something happen?”, he asked, applying a gentle tentacle on the crying student. He slowly wrapped more around them, before sitting down and rubbing their back with 3 of his ligaments. “Shh.. talk when you’re ready, Y/n. Slow down, you’ll disorient even more if you force it.”

It took some time, but eventually, y/n was a snotty-nosed messed. They rubbed their nose, which cause the red hue to increase.

“Ah.. don’t rub it so harshly. You’ll get a nose bleed.”, he sighed and drew a tissue from his robes. “Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”, he asked, tapping gently on y/n’s cheeks.

“I-.. I failed the mock exam. And I’m in no position to take this test. I can’t focus while studying, so I hardly studied at all which was so stupid of me, and.. now, im going to be even more miserable because I didn’t eat lunch and I have to walk home today!-“, they started and almost talked themselves into another meltdown. They were stopped by a pressure on their head, and multiple tentacles wrapped around them.

“Y/n.. If you were struggling, why didn’t you say anything?”, he asked. Comedically, he sounded like he wanted to cry as well. Maybe out of guilt for having not noticed one of his pupils under distress.

Y/n shrugged before lower their gaze to their hands. They sighed and clenched their fabric of their pants. “Everyone else seemed capable, so I assumed it was just me and my stupid brain… but when I tried studying, I kept getting distracted by small things.. the temperature, outside noises, anxiety..”, they sighed and unhanded the material. “I’m doing this to myself. I hate the idea of school. The world is so full of phenomena like plants that could kill you and… people who became killing machines like you”

Koro-Sensei listened and lifted his head, looking down at the Y/n.

“Y/n, it’s no issue for me to tutor you, or help you a little more than the other kids. Whatever will help you get through th-“,

“But that’s it. They’ll know that I need extra help. They’ll think I’m stupid.. and Karma is already a bully to some of the other kids. Imagine what he’d do to me.”, they sulked.

“Yes, Karma can be rather insensitive, but you cannot allow the opinion of your peers to hinder you from reaching your full potential. Y/n, you’re not stupid. Everyone learns different things at different paces. You excelled greatly in today’s English lesson. You spoke better English than half the Americans I’ve seen!”

A slight hue of pink lit up on Y/n’s face. That’s the first time they’ve heard anything remotely rewarding since elementary classes. They brought their hands together in their lap, and sighed.

“But I’m still failing other classes. Mathematics, I’m hardly getting by in science, and this geography stuff isn’t sticking!”

“So, you just have to spend a little extra time and there is nothing wrong with that. My whole purpose for being here is to break the stigma that surrounds you all. You’re all incredibly smart in your own field, some is word analysis and some in shooting a gun, oddly enough. Point is, I want you all to help each other and while I am here, I would like to help too. You’re not alone in this, Y/n. You never have been.”, Koro-Sensei expressed as he turned to his normal yellow hue. “I was angry for being turned into this. Despite my crimes, I would’ve much rather faced death. But once I saw that I could leave behind something, something good, with my beautiful name plastered all over it, I took it without hesitation, because I saw potential, and I still see it in everyone, even you.”

Y/n leaned against their teacher and smiled at the kind words, before wrapped their arms around themselves.

“There’s just.. so many other things that flood my mind. I can’t stay in the moment, ever.”, they expressed. “I’m working on math work, but before I know it, I’m folding up my laundry or making dinner or squeezing in a bath.. and my homework still isn’t done plus I remember nothing from the lesson!”

Koro Sensei observed the frantic ramblings of his student. He was glad to know that you still cared, or cared enough to at least want to get it done.

“I just don’t want all this time you’re putting in to go to waste. Nobody’s ever paid that much attention to me. Even in a room of students, you and your.. alien abilities manage to make me feel like I’m the only one in the classroom.”, they sighed and leaned into their teacher.

Koro Sensei’s face turned bright pink and heart appeared in what you could assume to be his cheeks.

“Awww, Y/n! You’re too sweet~ Don’t worry around wasting time. Make the most of this time!”, he said and pulled the human into a comforting hug. “And don’t be afraid to ask me for help. Eventually, you kids will have to kill me and I won’t be here. So, please.. do not guilt yourself. If you really want to make it up, you’ll ensure that you’re the one stopping me from exploding the moon.. Nyeheheh~”, he chuckled.

“Hai, Sensei..”, you sighed and sat there. You had to wonder, how could a criminal that deserves to be dehumanized be so kind to a bunch of underperforming kids? Was he looked down on in childhood? Is that why he killed? Is that why he cares? Because he wants us to be better? Whatever, it didn’t matter because he was there now.

So, Koro Sensei disappeared somewhere to get you a divine lunch. You passed the test ;) and you made the highest score, even higher than Karma. (Karma has to stay after school for an anti-bullying seminar.)

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viaetor · 10 months

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exhaustion

im sorry for throwing this here in the first place. I generally don't post vents on tumblr dot com, but I've been under so much stress lately and I just. don't have anywhere I can dump things yknow?? i don't wanna feel like a burden to my friends or as if its their responsibility.

but I've been so, so exhausted lately. but it's so hard to just *stop* or *take a break*.

currently, im working 3 part-time jobs, participating in 4 uni projects, writing my thesis, finishing up my government-funded research, completing translations, on top of having my regular classes. not to mention more work and projects ive been "invited" to accept that are still starting up and my upcoming mandatory internship. my parents have been entrusting me with more and more responsibilities regarding their physical health as seniors. but i also need to keep an eye out so that my drug addict sister doesn't do anything stupid and gets thrown out of the house again. I'm also worried about another sister of mine.

Lately i tried to distract myself by involving myself more with my friends. I've helped a few friends out with their own stuff (moving, writing, job interviews, emotional support) and ive been reconnecting with long past friendships, which is pretty neat. and it was working for a while, but im starting to get drained from even the simplest interactions.

now every time I look at my phone or get out of my room, people are calling me to ask to do stuff for them. I'm so numb to it all, I just do it automatically even when my body is sore and my brain is dead.

the worst part is that I can't quit anything. there are no vacations waiting for me, and no way I can lessen my workload more than I already have. I'm numb to it all, it's exhausting, but I feel so ashamed for even feeling tired. I feel like I have no right to feel that. I'm so used to being "reliable" and "efficient" to others that I'm not sure if I know how to Not be what people expect of me.

Ive been trying not to smoke or stress-eat and instead just hit the gym to get rid of the stress and anxiety, but even that hasn't been enough.

I want to write. I want to draw. I wanna learn languages. I wanna study. I wanna chat. But I just don't have the energy to do the things that make me feel happy and healthy. even if I'm ironically already doing some of them. I feel like an ungrateful brat. especially since I'm surrounded by so many awesome people.

I'm really lucky to have you all. I love getting your messages, seeing your posts, writing with you. I'm so happy with how I've been developing bonds with people here. thank you so much for investing in me! i really do cherish and appreciate it. I just want to apologise for seeming so distant and emotionally unavailable, not to mention how long i take to reply sometimes. to those that have been nothing but kind and patient to me, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope I can make it up to you!

I'm just really, really tired at the moment, and I'm not sure how to juggle through everything in my life right now. so I'm really sorry.

I wish I had dottore's skills so I could make clones of myself ngl. that'd be pretty neat

#ooc mobile.#tbd.#drug mention /#smoking mention /#food mention /#vent /#man idk this might be heavy for some people so pls dont feel like u have to read it #its just me bitching about being tired !#ill delete this later but i just needed to let it out Somewhere ;;;;;;;;;#thank you for your patience and im sorry for being a mess #ill get back to msgs and threads as soon as i can get some time #personal /

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softcore-bitch · 6 months

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~ tips for losing weight the wrong way

(first and foremost, im not encouraging this or agreeing that this is in any way safe, healthy, or okay. just stating things that i do. please do not push yourself to the point where you end up in hospitals, you’re malnourished, or suicidal. my dms are open for discussion if you need to talk. yes, i eat less and exercise frequently to lose weight, but i do not starve myself completely to the point where i’m unwell or can’t enjoy cravings from time to time, and neither should you. <3)

• if you struggle with binging:

- brush your teeth when you’re craving; the mint taste will ruin the taste of snacks

- try more hobbies to fill your day instead of eating when bored

- maybe start by choosing one day to binge and the others to eat regular meals

- stop eating after 8 pm until you wake up

• instead of starving yourself completely…

- try at least eating soup, fruits, salads, low calorie snacks

- don’t go below 1000-1200 calories a day (might sound like a lot, but anything lower is psychologically considered total starvation)

- look up safer diets/eat healthier foods instead of cutting off food completely

- at least eat full meals 3-4 days a week

• more not so great tips that i do

- talk a lot during meal times to distract others from how little im eating while cutting up the food and waving it around my mouth (at least eat half)

- if a large portion, i’ll eat half and get a to-go box to “eat” the rest later

- pretend i’m sick to eat less and only eat soup and crackers

- cut out sweets every other week or every two weeks (but not completely don’t torture yourself)

- track your calorie intake

- sit-ups in bed

- invest in a waist trainer

- if you already ate a lot and have cravings, chew the food then spit it out

- increase water intake

- don’t drink your calories, eat them

- eat ice when craving

~ for now, that’s all i have, but i’m going to stress this again: please do not completely starve yourself, and at least eat a full meal once a day. don’t torture yourself by never eating things you like. it really really does get better, just don’t get weak succumb to your disorder the way i have done now. your body is beautiful, my body is beautiful. you just have to believe it.

reminders: a malnourished brain can kill you. don’t hide food in your room, it attracts bugs. you risk your ability to have kids. your body will develop more hair to make up for the loss fat in your body. you’ll start to not even recognize yourself.

i’m well aware of my hypocrisy and the fact that i also clearly have an eating disorder, i just want to make it a bit safer for my fellows who are choosing the most dangerous options. stay safe, discussions are open. <3

#eating less #tw disordered eating #disordered eating thoughts #tw eating issues #bing3 eating #anorexsick #anaspiration #ana t1ps #bulimic #bulimia #anorex14 #th1n$po #th1nz🎀#thinspiration

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cupuasu · 5 months

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loooove december break!! i genuinely thought this was one of the most mentally exhausting semesters of my life. it felt like it was never ending yet at the same time like i had 100000 things to do and send it over to the professors like yesterday. and i have never been so bad at communication as i was the past 6 months. i'd forget to say things and when i could say them i chose not to. literally snowballed itself into horrible hurried projects. it all started so chill i literally didn't worry that 1) laptop wasnt working 2) only signed in for two classes 3) i needed to change my table and chair because my back is RUINED. of course that all got solved along the way but it'd be easier if i had fixed those three things back in july break, i think i'm a masochist when it comes to things like this, i see the whip coming and i just stand there motionless. like as soon as it was 12:01 02/12/2023 i felt like i needed to scream freedom lol

then these days honestly i didn't even feel anything at all (other than that temporary extreme relief that it was over). because it just all feels so pointless. i will go thru all of this again next semester because i'm already fucking up now (signed for classes i know i can't handle because everyone tells me "i need to challenge myself if i want to get better", signed for mandatory unpaid internship as if the PAID one i did last year didn't absolutely kill me). part of me just wants to finish this stupid fucking shit by next year (impossible bc i still have like 20 classes left to do). i love architecture but university really sucks your soul out. they (society and the job market) kill your inspiration then they kill your will to live. i look around this city and everything is so ugly and useless and not functional and it tries so hard to look clean and modern it ends up just being fake and empty. if i go into private stuff i'll get insane clients that'll want the ugliest dumbest shit ever built, if i go into the public one the government has no sense of self and just tries to copy whatever's trending on the southeast/south or usa/europe as if it would work or as if they had money. like jesus christ think locally. all these ugly glass boxy buildings are gonna be the end of us, these dumb empty parks are doing more harm than good, stop restoring historical buildings if you're just gonna abandon them again. if i see anything in a beige palette i go in a rabid rage like where is the life where's the originality? sure overly-regional things can be cringe and people in the north and especially in my city have a terminal case of vira-latice. ideally i'd have started uni in 2017 and finished it in 2021 and moved on to whatever the future may hold but im MENTALLY ILLLLLLLL!!!!!!!! did 2 semesters then took a gap year then came back to uni and i'm just as lost as i felt in 2017. I FEEL STUCK IN TIME!!!!!! sure if i had done it "normally" i wouldn't even be here because i would have For Real killed myself. to be quite honest i didn't even think i was gonna make it past 13 years old and here i am 10 years later pushing thru it and all i got from it is that i should've thrown myself out of the damn 15th floor of a building when i had the chance in 2013. like genuinely genuinely speaking whenever i look around whenever i go out society and the world just seems to get worse. i can still see beauty in some things but it feels like staring at a small flower in a world where everything is destroyed. i can distract myself as much as i want to but the sense of doom and the sense of me being a waste of a life NEVER goes away.

and on the topic of distractions i have been using my phone so much it's making my brain go insane so i'm trying to not use it as much (12h screentime.....) sadly i haven't been able to focus on drawing or reading or writing or doing anything that is "by me for me" because i cannot focus. i feel soulless yet so depressed. seeing dead bodies and people fighting and suffering so hard just to live daily definitely made it worse but i feel bad saying that because it's like 'oh no this horrible thing is happening and i can't do anything except watch' bc there's ppl Going thru that horrible thing. i will always have an undying respect for palestinians and i think in fact watching all this made me realise how resiliant and strong ppl can be. and also how evil some ppl can be, i have never seen someone as inhuman as z**nists like the more i learn the angrier i get. and this is silly but sites like twitter (for me at least) there were a endless stream of them. no matter how many i blocked there would always be more. here at tumblr i guess i curated my dash very well and i don't use the for you tab here so i don't see them at all (thank god). yet you'll always find out someome at staff is a z**nist or something like that (same happens in other sites) and it's wow no matter how good my dash/timeline is these are all still a morally failed site owned and/or run by losers and i wish i wasn't as chronically online so i'd delete every account on every website and never use the internet again.

the only thing that has made me sort of zone out and forget life is gaming. i've been playing stardew valley like my life depends on it and sadly i can't even put mods on switch so i'm genuinely #grinding. i'm on year two winter and i got so much stuff already (my first time playing had me on year four fall and i didn't have half of what i have now). also last month my mom bought ssd cards for our laptops and i was able to redownload genshin so i'm playing it a lot again. i really missed kazuha and xinyan i feel like i have a slight delusion thing where characters genuinely bring me joy. also i haven't played genshin in sooooo long my hands forgot how to use the keyboard (and i've been losing fine motor skills lately but i'll talk about that later) and i was so used to playing zelda that i mixed up some of the world dynamics. i'd be like where are the sky islands i need to look at the map from above, why can't i mark things far away with a camera so i can check later, how do i see hero's path i need to know if i've been here before, why is it so hard to aim, why can't i parry, why don't the enemies drop decent loot. and also i'd be annoyed by common genshin stuff like the endless amount of text and dialogue like my GOD let me skip. i don't care!!!! i stopped reading text after the raiden shogun quest now i just skip everything!!!! why are the cutscenes so boring!!!!! why is every archon quest the same!!!!! but i love open world games. i love long quests. i love exploring. i love puzzles. hate the gacha system though. i haven't played in over a year and i thought when i'd come back there'd be 27827383 notifications and primogems STACKED for me to use and yet i wasnt surprised when there wasn't anything bc mihoyo is the worst company on earth and capitalism is the end of us. kinda sad i missed the birthday event and lost a cute fontaine companion though. by the way the flying and diving system is so broken (to me at least) and it's sooooo uncomfortable. my fingers are on the WASD keys and the space key and the shift like jesus christ this sucks. i got too used to using the switch and having a controller and the gyroscope and the comfort of it all lol.

the fine motor skills worsening started this year i think. i can't pinpoint exactly why or when but i think it was a mix of a bunch of things. i've been sedentary my whole life so my bones and joints are all fucked. i've been sitting ans standing wrong my whole life and my bones/muscles just adapted to it so now when i try to fix it, it hurts like hell. i'm pretty sure one of my legs is way shorter than the other. back to my fingers, i noticed that i wasnt able to type on my phone as fast as i did in the past. couldn't move them that fast anymore. felt like there was some sort of lag or glitch on the brain-to-hand connection. didn't pay much attention to that cos who cares how fast i can type. then i wasnt able to type on a keyboard properly, then not able to hold things properly, and now my hands just feel sort of numb and/or slow compared to before. fine for me though, i feel like i need to slow down when i do projects or when i'm gaming. i always get too much into it (and often at the last minute) then my body pays the price. the last project this semester had me up for 2 days and on the verge of an psychotic episode for another 4.

oh and to top it all off my laptop hard drive decided to kill itself in the middle of the semester. it was showing signs of giving up waaaay before that and i didn't know any better and didn't look into it. i'm still very hurt over it. there were SO many photos and SO many videos and documents and audios and music. my lifetime was there. and now it's gone and i still can't believe it. so mamy personal moments and also a lot of work i made and collected just gone forever in the void that is technology. i will never be able to see the baby pictures of my dogs and i won't be able to see the videos i took when i traveled with my family and i won't be able to read things i wrote when i was 13 and i won't be able to see pictures of myself growing up over the years and i wont be able to see all the pictures i saved of my online friends and i wont be able to listen to all the music i downloaded or watch the movies i downloaded or read those pdfs and i won't be able to use the billion autocad blocks that took me years to organize and i won't be able to make a portfolio bc my work and the proof of its existence is not there and i wont be able to play the games i had in those specific save files...... its like it never existed. like i have never felt a loss like this in my entire life. literally my burning of alexandria lol they will always exist on my mind of course, but i must also be experiencing some sort of early on set dementia because i forget EVERYTHING unless it's in front of me. so there's also the loss of the loss because everything i had in that hard drive died and it will also die in my memories.

and my phone fell last month i think and now the camera app doesn't open and i havent been able to take pictures. it's funny cos after i had my iphone stolen in 2019 and had to buy the one i have now (cheap and low quality) i thought i stopped taking pictures of everything. but man these days made me realise i unconsciously photograph things. i try to open my camera almost by muscle memory then watch it close itself and glitch. now i've been trying to write things down or just memorize them, which has been hard bc of my hands and my bad brain. but it's fun. analog almost. i get to appreciate and look at things more carefully with my own two eyes now instead of "ill take a pic and look at it later". and man, is the sky beautiful!!! the leaves are beautiful, the sky is beautiful!!! even the ants on the ground are!!

and its kinda early, but i do feel my body age also. probs due to me being unhealthy and normally old = sick. my back hurts so bad for sitting and standing and existing and sitting on a bad chair on a bad table for years, im really glad for being able 2 go the doc and get physio therapy and my posture fixed. i want a tank to make me flat cartoon style, that'd fix my pain!!! my posture doc kinda is weirded out by me (im too hairy and too awkward) but the therapist doesnt care at all. theyve really be relieving my shoulder pain, i wonder if there's still a way to fix it... itd be genuinely life saving

#diary #<- new tag for when i want to go balls to the walls with oversharing #gonna be sad if tumblr deletes what i wrote there's like loooong paragraphs here that will be necessary for my internal growth in 5 months

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fucked-up-bunny · 6 months

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eating imagine:

i go to the counter, there's a fresh, warm loaf of bread on it. im not hungry, or even tired, but i take a slice. it will taste good.

i take a bite. it tastes amazing, i get a hit of dopamine and for a millisecond everything is fine.

now i have a piece of bread in my mouth. i feel apprehension as i realize im going to have to chew and swallow it.

i start on the task with little enthusiasm - bread isn't very easy to chew. it only takes about eight seconds before i become hyper aware of the muscles in my jaw moving, and just a couple more for that awareness to turn into pain.

i finish chewing after an agonizingly long moment and swallow the piece of bread. i can feel it going down my throat, like vomiting in reverse, and through my esophagus. it doesnt hurt when it reaches my stomach, since i chewed well, but i can still feel it.

i am relieved it is over, but my relief is momentary, as i remember the remaining bread in my hand. i become hyper aware of it too, how it's soft, just on the border of moist, how the texture feels against my hand. i try to repeat the process again, feeling sickened. with every bite i start hurrying, trying to get it over with. by the last bite i can feel pain as the half-chewed bread passes from my esophagus to my stomach.

now my stomach is full and i get another hit of dopamine, my body trying to trick me with rewards for giving in.

it fades quickly, leaving me wanting more.

'ill just have another slice', i think, 'it will feel good, and two slices of bread can hardly count as a big breakfast'

i eat another slice. the reward system in my brain still works. i enjoy the first and last bite.

'just one more, and that will truly be it'

i eat another one. the dopamine doesn't feel as good, i need more. at that point my stomach starts hurting. i want endorphins and dopamine to distract me.

'well, if i eat it all now i won't be able to binge on it later', i rationalise, ignoring how moving a binge up the schedule does not erase it, and that i am a guest at my parents', so if i were to eat all the bread they would just get more in the coming days.

i eat until i can't anymore. that's more than half a loaf. i stopped chewing, in order to be done faster, the bread hurting all the way down to my stomach. my stomach hurts now too, a real pain, the kind that will stop me from moving for the next thirty minutes. i lay down on the couch. i hate myself. i vow to never do that again and to fast for a week. i know im lying to myself. by seven pm ill be hungry enough to forget about the torment i just put myself through and repeat the whole thing.

#ana #tw ana #ana couch #ed but not sheeran #ed vent #tw ed #tw ed sheeran #ed bllog #tw mental illness #ana tricks #4n4t1ps #4n0r3xia

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silvershayde · 10 months

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I have made an executive decision.

I am removing tumblr off of my phone.

Amongst other things. Can’t say I’m happy, sad or anything like that cause, well, I don’t have a good understanding of my own emotions. But I know that I am not okay. Like at all. With how i am and how my life is going, I mean. I basically need to get my shit together.

And I believe the first step is logging off. Cause Tumblr is a nice reprieve right, but I’ve reached a stage where I get off of Tumblr to immediately go back on it and that is not good. I’m going to delete it and my only access to tumblr would be through my laptop but ik im too lazy to go onto my laptop to log on to tumblr. Also my laptop is always dead for some reason so there’s also that.

I’m cutting off a lot of stuff, need to touch some grass so to speak. Maybe even go back to my roots. Not everything obviously, I don’t want to accidentally go insane having no sources of serotonin. They say it takes like 66 days to form a habit, well I’m not putting tumblr amongst other things back on my phone until its november/december. There’s too many things I need to tackle and I’m spiralling. I need to take it a day at a time.

So yeah. I guess that means I’m going on a semi-hiatus. I’m trying to be better and trying to stick to things. But in order to do that I really need to minimise distractions. Which is hard. Really hard. I’m cutting myself off from music too. Just so I can stop my brain from distracting myself. Which sucks. But I need to start somewhere right?

In like an hour or so, tumblr will be off my phone and this hiatus will begin. I’ll see ya’ll whenever. Its been fun!

#i gotta try something #im tired of being unable to fix myself #cause the problem is me #i know i always say that i just want to exist #but in hindsight i hate that i always used to say that #cause i dont just want to exist i want to live #and if that means logging off and slowly taking back my life #instead of worrying myself over every possibility because that’s how high everything’s piled up #then so be it #it’s time for me to take control #one day at a time

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justalia · 11 months

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this is kinda long, but i’m at the point where i feel like i just can’t apply states correctly (which given how states work that itself is probably a state but i digress). i would greatly appreciate your help if you have the time

i’ve read neville many times. but i’ve just never been able to feel fulfilled in imagination and i genuinely don’t understand how you would. i can’t visualize, so i really only have internal dialogue. plus i have never been an imaginative person and i’m very much left-brained. even when i was in school if my brain wandered off i was just thinking about what i would eat for dinner or something. people talk about having imaginal arguments with people and i don’t even do that? my imagination is literally just like an internal version of how some people talk to themselves.

my sp and i lived together and were talking about getting engaged before i accidentally manifested a breakup. i don’t get how to fulfill myself cause i just feel like i miss the human experience of being together. i can’t visualize, i despise scripting, and inner conversations are unnatural to me, so i can’t give myself the experience of waking up next to him, or talking to him, or going on dates, or being intimate. but i know from studying the law we desire the feeling. so i ask myself how would i feel if we were back together and were doing all those things? and it’s just crickets. i get the wish fulfilled can feel like nothing. but if i’m sad and missing him and try to shift my state and still feel sad then i know i’m not changing self.

i’m frustrated to the point of tears. i know the 3d will just continue to reflect my state and show me more stuff i don’t like. but even with the 3d not being the goal (which ik it isn’t) i feel like i can’t be happy in imagination either. i’m burnt out from trying to make myself feel better but ik staying in my current state isn’t going to help in any way. idk if you’ve seen rem’s distraction technique but im tempted to try it because it seems fitting for my situation. i just don’t know that affirming it’s done and distracting myself but continuing to feel sad is actually shifting my state. i really don’t know what to do anymore

okay let me help you out.

first of all from what you’re saying i feel like you still haven’t fully processed the emotions the breakup caused and you’re desperately trying to feel better and feel positive bc that’s what you think shifting the state is.

what you first need to do is fully process and let out all of your emotions regarding your 3D without putting on yourself the pressure of “i need to switch state or it won’t manifest and things will stay the same”.

STOP STRESSING YOURSELF OUT.

you’re putting pressures on yourself that you shouldn’t even have. you’ve studied the law you know how it works now you only need to apply.

you know that time is a social construct and imagination being the only reality means there’s only the present moment.

IT’S OKAY TO MISS YOUR SP. allow yourself to feel those emotions PLEASE stop bottling it up.

i know i have tired myself to death trying to push aside these emotions thinking it was me reacting to the 3D.

ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL.

what matters is that you intend to shift back to the state of the wish fulfilled as soon as you feel better.

if you know that the 3D is not your goal why would you be so mad at yourself for feeling certain emotions if you know that as soon as you’ve let them out you can have what you want immediately?

stop forcing yourself to feel things.

the reason why you don’t “FEEL” that you’ve switched state is bc you’re identifying with the 3D version of yourself.

knowing that you are faceless and formless consciousness and that all you want is only consciousness as well why would you miss something you have?

i’m not saying you should repress your emotion of missing your sp, i’m simply saying let it out, feel it, return to a neutral state focus on feeling neutral and as soon as you feel ready to just switch to your desired state.

the only reason you’re so hard on yourself is bc you’re still seeing the 3D as your goal.

stop looking for techniques thinking it will help in any way.

you know what the “rules” are, identify with imagination and know that you have it. period. that’s it.

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cryptidfuckery · 1 year

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Do you plan/write a story in chronological order or just put it down as it comes to you? Trying to figure out how far afield the latter puts me, even if there’s not a “right” way to do it.

hi heres some completely unrequested writing tips sorry for the long post :) i misread the ask before i started writing so. yeah. in short i don't write chronologically, except when I'm writing the beginning?

the first scene i wrote for this is literally the rising climax of the story. i had no idea what I wanted to do with it from there but it just kept evolving until now I'm writing a whole year spanned over 20 chapter fic.

When I started this one (mind you i havent written in like 7 years) I just wrote what came to me, what ideas made me excited. Basically whatever was bringing me joy to write, whatever was fun to expand it into. Purely self indulgent for myself to reread over and over and over, no real plan to post it.

Then I got the brainworm about it and couldn't stop thinking about it and I knocked out over 20k in a month which was. Also due to me being massively depressed and distracting myself.

But in this time I got a sketch book and started planning out a bigger story, something to compliment the original idea and inspiration while also giving a satisfying story between the characters (also figuring out overarching plot, drew out a plot mountain at one point to see where I was lacking, jotting down ideas just to get them down so I could let them simmer in the back of my mind, jotting down phrases or ideas for dialouge, etc) basically just. playing in the space and seeing what ended up feeling most satisfying as a whole story

WOOF OKAY THERES MORE im so sorry you caught me at 1am and im high

Once I got the overall idea of what I wanted to do, I started mapping out chapters, but mostly getting a rough idea of where i wanted things to go in the story. I am being VERY diligent to remember that this is all mutable and nothing is set in stone and its MORE FUN that way

At this point I'm still just writing whats enjoyable and coming to me naturally. Once I started solidifying more of the plot and ideas I started working on some of the parts that just needed to be done re: the very beginning. And i fucking hate the very very beginning right now i cant wait to rewrite it but i am NOT LETTING MYSELF DO THAT.

DO NOT GO BACK AND EDIT SIGNIFIGANTLY. If you catch yourself rereading it and adjusting a few things, fine. But if you find any major inconsistencies either make a mental note or leave a comment or something and then just leave it. It'll be there to fix later. It doesn't matter. Leave a fuckin [insert name of kitchen utensil here] if you don't remember. Who cares. It's your first draft.

OKAY now onto how I've been writing the scenes that don't come as naturally to me

I let the scene simmer for a while in my brain. I entertain different ideas and approaches and jot down anything that feels right. Usually for me I'll get a clear line of dialogue or interaction that feels like a good creative starting point

2. I listen to music when I write bc I have adhd, but im curious to know if this would work for other people too! I have a playlist I curated for the fic that I have listened to. A lot. A lot. Like a Lot. Like most mornings on my way to work. this 1) helps me play in my head with the blorbos and 2) gives me a good emotional basis to bounce ideas off of if I'm stumped on a scene.

I literally just gave my friend @docninj this advice. Pick a song that represents the emotion you're trying to convey in the scene youre trying to write. Could be overall emotion, emotion of the narrator, main character's emotions, whatever. Then play that song on repeat until you don't really hear it anymore. Then try writing. I'll also switch songs if the mood of the scene changes. For me it helps me bounce the emotions I'm trying to write off of something that represents it? god dude idk.

god that was a lot idk why i wrote all of it but hey if it helps someone what the hell.

#ack #but i absolutely have unfinished chapters just floating #like i wrote some of the heist chapter but i didnt know how i wanted the actual heist to go so thats sitting unfinished until the heist is #done simmering in my brain #:)#im currently trying to write the beginning though to have some kind of basis to look back on

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