#say abt it. if u make me read in my head in class i literally cannot fucking tell u what i just read. not a god damn thing and if i try to
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#im just gonna complain abt it here bc i just have to accept that i can't irl bc no one else gets it#its hard to b a dyslexic grad student. u have to read so much. and its good. lots of reading is good. u just have to contend with a soul#crushing amout of discouragement at the fact u just kinda cant read while ur peers r like sure i can read this in class and have things to#say abt it. if u make me read in my head in class i literally cannot fucking tell u what i just read. not a god damn thing and if i try to#let my computer read to me i cant fucking pay attention for long enough so i just have to accept that from here on out ill have to#physically read papers aloud which i hate so much. its the only way i can fucking understand things and it still makes me feel dumb bc ill#somehow still space out while reading and have to reread like 4 times before i understand wtf is being said. it takes forever and it takes#energy and i dont like talking very much and it also restricts me to only being able to read at home which is frustrating#and im like i need to stop my brain from distracting myself with things that dont matter and my counselor is like: ur ocd is trying to make#work ur whole life and im like yeah thats how i got it. its the only way i can keep swimming with the non dyslexics#so its like wtf do i do? i kinda have to take the hit and make work my whole life rn. morn the loss of other things for a while#i dunno im still a bummer rn. like im probably coming off as more an asocial freak than normal bc its hard to talk ans maintain conversation#rn. but whatever. sometimes things just suck and theres nothing u can do abt it but accept it and move on. ill learn lots of things with all#the reading i have to do and that's never a bad thing ...no matter how much i dont give a fuck abt animals#like jesus. i could not even begin to give a fuck about like 95% of mammals. fish r cool tho. plants too#but microbes is where its at. i dont understand y ppl dont understand how cool they r. oh well ill just have to tell them#if i can find my fucking enthusiasm. ugh i have to make one of my classes read a paper and i have to work with someone abt find it. she#works with like rabbits. i refuse to assign a mammal paper. i fucking refuse. we will do plants or microbes or fucking paleontology#i will fight her on this. ugh. light filtering or orchid speciation would b perfect. annoying#at least i get to work with some culturs this week#unrelated
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my class was discussing the short story today so we can get a feel for it since we're supposed to make an illustration for it and i accidentally channeled my inner literary analysis snob like its 12th grade english class again
#i know i said i was confused abt the story when i read it literally an hour before class started#but i WAS thinking abt it#and then my professor was talking abt it and every thing she said i was like NO??#she kept saying shit and in my head im like i dont agree with that at ALL omg#so i spoke up like this is what i think abt it actually#and then she derailed me and we stated discussing something pedantic and she was like i just dont want you to focus on this one aspect bc i#its not the main point#like yeah i know and im NOT she just derailed me ajd i absolutely had to correct her thinking 😭#the dead silence as i argued back and forth w her.....#someone spoke up to and said something else and i was like yeah yeah i agree#and afterwards he was like i dont want you to think i was like disparaging what you were saying bc i actually agreed with a lot of what you#were saying and i felt so vindicated#i was like no dont worry u made excellent points too im just argumentative#that was great tho i havent had a literary analysis discussion in a while#love arguing with teachers its my favorite passtime#michi tag#the story is rot by joy williams btw#professor kept saying she didnt think it was grooming and i was like ?????????? thats the pedantic shit we were arguing abt#like yes the grooming aspect is not the actual poimt but its lile a part of it that makes up the whole#and saying its not grooming i think undermines the rest of the story but whatever again not the point#just bothered me that she said it wasnt when it clearly is but whatever#dont even remember what i was originally trying to say anymore she seriously derailed me#by the end i was like why are we even discussing this 😭
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ifhy .1
* in which ellie’s obsession relationship with you begins to sour as your romance with your new boyfriend seems to flourish. it seems she’ll stop at nothing to ensure your happiness, (which you’ll find with her, obviously) even if it means hurting you in the process.
* lowkey obsessive ellie, (I LIKE EM’ A LITTLE CRAZY!), angst + comfort (next chapter(s), infidelity, unrequited feelings yet also mutual pining (just read it like, idk idk I forgot how to do these),lmk if I missed anything!
* im back, ok not really this has been rotting in my drafts forever and I was reading it back and I was like damn I lowk cooked with this. It’s unfinished as of RN but this is only 1/3 of the fic im just splitting it up so u don’t have to wait months,,for it..like my other fics..DONT ASK ME ABT THOSE, cuz I don’t got an answer. IN THE MEAN TIME ENJOY THIS! <3
* mdni (but like if u do wtvr, nothing crazy happens in this chapter)
wc ~ 1.6k
pt. 2 here
Ellie Williams fucking hated you.
Surprisingly, she didn’t at first. In fact, she was in love with you, bordering infatuation.
She had seen you for the first time at the local bookstore before the semester started, you were flipping through a book about time and relativity with a concentrated look on your face. She smiled to herself when she saw you push up onto your toes to reach for another book but to no avail. She took this as an opportunity to walk up to you and reach over your head to grab it, making sure to flex her lean, tattooed arm before placing it in your hand.
Her jade eyes locked on yours and your face heated immediately, you mumbled a “Thank you.” Before scurrying past her to the checkout.
Imagine her surprise when on the first day of classes, she walks into her astrophysics course and sees you, doodling in your notebook with that same concentrated look on your face.
Of course, she sits next to you, flashing that charming smile that has sweat gathering at your hands. She tells you her name then asks for yours and learns about your major, favourite course, and how you’re staying in a little apartment just outside the campus before more students and your professor filed in. You didn’t know why but you just felt so comfortable telling her things, She laughed at your corny jokes and made even cornier ones, and she admired the doodles that covered your notebook and the little duck pen you used.
You didn’t want to speak too soon, but it was safe to say you were harbouring a tiny bit of a crush on her.
Ellie on the other hand, was completely ready to admit it. She felt her love for you grow each second she was around you. Your smile quite literally felt like the sun shining upon her, your laugh made her want to drop her studies of space to pick up stand-up comedy just so she could make it her job to make you laugh. In her eyes, everything you did was perfect. Her thoughts were completely consumed by you, you, you.
And for a few months, things were amazing! You had been introduced to Dina and Jesse and even spent Halloween hanging out with the trio watching horror movies and eating each other's weight in candy. When the holidays rolled around you and Ellie, along with the others, cozied up under some blankets and made fun of cheesy Hallmark movies while she tried her hardest not to interlock her hands with yours even after your pinky brushed against hers for the sixth time.
During finals, Ellie and you organized designated study days that usually ended in giggling at stupid memes on each other's phones or late-night food runs. Of course, there were lingering touches and flirtatious glances here and there but you were too shy to act on it and Ellie would rather die than make you uncomfortable so she kept you just at arm's length. Besides, she knew you were too timid to approach anyone else, so in a way she had you all to herself.
Then, you met him. Some motherfucker whose name she didn’t care to remember. However, she did remember the innate feeling of anger that surged through her body when you gushed to her about him and how he was a history major and the way his glasses framed his face perfectly and whatever the fuck else you found interesting about him.
She nodded and laughed and smiled along with you when you would drone on about him but would excuse herself to the bathroom to tend to the crescent-shaped wounds in her palms from digging her fingers into them so hard.
She tried her best to not show these negative emotions to you because she knew how much you didn’t like when she got mad but fuck was it hard. Especially that one night when you were out with him and you hadn’t replied to her texts in over 5 hours. Man did her drywall take some damage that night.
And when you finally did reply you had completely disregarded her message and went on to boast about the time you had and how gentlemanly he was. All she could do was reply with a dry “sounds like fun🙂” before she went back to throwing a tantrum around her room and tormenting that poor wall…she’d have to remember to buy some spackle before the end of the semester.
Then, there was the time she trekked over to your apartment with some pizza for a surprise movie night and saw the bouquet placed in front of your door. She set the box down to pick up the flowers and read who it was from, her body reacted before she could rethink. She tore the flowers from the beautifully wrapped packaging and stomped on them over and over and over until all that was left were broken stems and tattered petals.
Thankfully, you got home just a few minutes later and missed her outburst. You gasped when you saw the smashed flowers and asked her what had happened, she shrugged and lied easily, claiming it was like this when she got there. She let out a breath when you shook your head and sighed, saying it was probably your next-door neighbor who had always been a bit of a grouch.
She had genuinely thought she was doing a pretty good job of hiding her true feelings for both you and him but it was when you gleefully announced that he was officially your boyfriend she knew she was done for. You squealed and pulled her in for a hug but it felt like her heart had shriveled up into a clump of black coal and woosh like magic, her love for you had turned into something twisted, something possessive.
It was when you invited her over to your apartment to eat dinner with him that she had started considering the idea that you knew she had a crush on you and you were just fucking with her emotions for fun.
How could you start dating, let alone seeing some random ass motherfucker when she was right here! She knew she could treat you better than he could even dream of, she knew everything about you and she’d make it known to you how perfect she was for you, one way or another.
That night at dinner she sat uncomfortably as you fluttered around your tiny kitchen, adding last-minute touches to the spaghetti you made and despite the grumble in her tummy it felt like she had no appetite when she watched the hungry way he looked at you, as if you were a juicy steak and he was a starved wolf.
Once you were finished plating the food and placing it on the table you sat down eagerly and tried your best to mediate the obvious tension.
“Soo uh, Ellie, you’ve been really into watercolour recently right?” You beamed.
“Uh-huh.” She said dryly, twirling her spaghetti around her fork.
“Oh that’s cool, you know watercolour as an art form has been around since Egyptian times! It’s funny to think that like—Cleopatra was painting with water and grapes or something!” He spoke and you giggled like it was the funniest joke in the world. She shot you a look that said really? because she knows she could make a joke that was way funnier, and would expel your real laugh.
“That’s cool. You know how to shut the fuck up?” She mumbled into her bite of spaghetti.
“Sorry?” He asked and you gave her a sideways glance.
She smiled tightly and swallowed before answering, “Just said that’s cool!”
Dinner dragged on as he droned about the history of the Renaissance or fucking Christopher Columbus, she didn’t actually know, she tuned him out. After you cleared the plates, you ushered them into your cozy living room for a movie and when you excused yourself to the bathroom she plopped down on the couch next to him, subtly pulling out her switchblade.
“So, Kevin—“
“Actually my name—“
“I don’t give a fuck what your name is, matter fact I don’t give a fuck about you in general. What are your intentions with ★?”
The man tensed up as Ellie expertly spun the blade around in her fingers.
“Uh—I mean, she seems cool and dating her has been pr—“
“Cool?” Ellie scoffed, “She’s fucking perfect, and I hope you know whatever you have going on with her right now? It won’t last. Soon she’s gonna see you for the limp-ass motherfucker you are.”
He was taken aback, “What?—I’m sorry, did I do something to offend you?”
“Your whole existence offends me.” She rasped, inching her blade closer to his neck. “She’s not meant to be with you.”
He furrowed his brows, “You like her, don’t you?”
Ellie rolled her eyes, “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”
Before he could reply you were back from the bathroom and she slipped her blade back into her pocket and got up with a firm grip on his shoulder.
“What were you two talking about?” You asked as you grabbed a bag of chips from your small coffee table and tore into them.
“Oh you know, girl talk.” She smiled, digging her blunt nails into his shoulder. Translation: don’t say a fucking word.
You rolled your eyes playfully like you even had a clue of what was going on, “He’s not a girl, dumbass.”
She shrugged, stepping away from her previous seat to plop down on the other small sofa.
The rest of the night proceeded relatively smoothly, your boyfriend had been so shaken up by Ellie’s words that even with you sitting next to him he kept his distance with worried glances toward Ellie now and then. Ellie crunched on her popcorn happily and watched the movie with a satisfied smile and a chipper aura.
— ★
🤔 shall I put out the second part? only time (and interactivity! 💝 pls don’t let this flop) will tell!
#ellie the last of us#ellie tlou#ellie williams#ellie angst#ellie au#ellie fic#ellie fluff#ellie smut#ellie x reader#jealousellie#tlou fanfiction#tlou
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what are your neurodivergent headcanons for hq characters?
asdfjhgfds sorry this has been in my askbox for a few days ive been busy w/ Life Stuff TM but anyways ND haikyuu headcanons lets gooo
hinata:
ik bc hes Sunshiney and Loud lots of ppl read hinata as adhd, which i can deffo see, but personally i read him as autistic
hes extroverted and good at adopting introverts (kageyama, kenma, yachi, tsukki) but when u stop to think abt it hes also actually kinda bad at social ques and 'normal' behaviour?? i think ppl dont notice bc hes also rlly nice but hinata is actually pretty blunt lmao
his special interest is literally volleyball cmon now
its canon that he dislikes being in classes too long or doing homework bc he finds sitting still for too long difficult, both me and my autistic older brother used to get up and pace around our classrooms when we were younger
even though hes rlly athletic and has insane reflexes obviously, hes also pretty clusmy and especially bad at judging distances which to me looks like dyspraxia which is really commonly comorbid w/ autism
ive also read a few fics where he has tourettes syndrome w/ body tic and i can deffo see why ppl would hc that
idk hes just reads as autistic so well in my mind like idk why its not a more common take
kageyama:
this one is less of a headcanon and moreso just interpreting the text correctly; hes definitely autistic
like its my belief that furudate either knowingly wrote kageyama as autistic or like based his personality off of an irl autistic person they knew or SOMETHING bc its actually insane how well he reads as autistic
the lack of social skills? the anger issues? the deep special interest in volleyball? the just wanting to express your feelings/opinions but coming off as rude but not knowing how to fix that? middle school being a living hell? having that one family member who Got you? the high level of skill in one particular area? hes literally the texboox definition of autism
even the little things like how he files his nails and jokes go over his head and he accidentally insults ppl bc hes calling it how he sees it and how he basically had no friends growing up bc he was too focused on volleyball and how he struggles to smile on command like!!! thats autism babe!!!!!!
oh also hes dyslexic bc im dyslexic and i say so
ushijima:
same as kageyama i bet he was either knowing written as autistic or based off of an irl person who is
blunt as all hell, monotone voice and facial expressions, volleyball as a special interest, bad at social interaction, accidentally rude, the list goes on and on
like his whole thing about how his left handedness makes him different but is also a gift that benefits him in some ways? thats a metaphor for neurodivergency dont @ me
oikawa:
i hc him as having narcisstic personality disorder, not in the ableist reddit-user 'all ppl w/ npd are evil manipulative abusers' way but in the ' i have npd and know what it actually looks like' way
hiding massive insecurities by acting like youre amazing?? that fuckin marina lyric thats like 'i feel like im the worst so i always act like im the best'?? that was abt oikawa tooru and npd
feeling threatened the second someone as good or better than you shows up? fixating on one specific thing that you have to be the best at? those are npd as fuck traits
the way he can basically get along with anyone and adjust his play style to suit them but only has a few close friendships where he can let his true personality rlly shine through
hes literally so npd coded augh <3
bokuto:
i read him as adhd and having cyclothymia
i think he was unmedicated in high school and unknowingly had depressive and hypomanic episodes which affected his play
he also very much reads as having rejection sensitive dysphoria if u ask me
and the way he talks and bounces around and has All That Damn Energy gives me adhd vibes, esp pared w/ his poor volume control ad the way he ignores social cues lol
okay quickfire round bc im getting tired of typing
atsumu is autistic, so is osamu for that matter, theyre just at very different points on the spectrum and rub each other up the wrong way a lot of the time bc of it
kita is also autistic bc no neurodivergent person is that particular about doing things the 'right' way
hoshiumi is autistic and adhd
asahi and yamaguchi read like they struggled w/ anxiety and depression
sakusa has ocpd and ocd (contamination ocd specifically) and mysophobia
kyoutani has aspd, again not in a 'aspd = violent agressive psychopaths' way but in a 'i actually have a cluster b personality disorder' way, and adhd also
kenma is autistic and has social anxiety
yachi has social anxiety too bc cmon now
tsukki reads to me as having chronic depression, i think i could also make a case for him being autistic too ngl
tendou is some flavour of neurodivergent, probally audhd, probably some other stuff, idk but hes definitely not neurotypical
like hinata, lev reads as autistic to me even tho hes got that goodball energy thatd make lots of ppl read him as adhd bc like,, he just fuckin sucks at social interaction like he is accidentally rude all the damn time lmaoo
fukunaga and aone are both autistic w/ selective mutism and/or partial to moderate non-verbalness
obviously its none of my business and i think having headcanons abt irl ppl is Fucking Weird but i wouldnt be surprised if furudate themself was autistic bc truly so many characters in haikyuu can be read that way if u ask me, although maybe im just projecting lol
#haikyuu!!#haikyuu!! headcanons#q and hey hey hey!#tumblr: akiraetzchen#og post //#theres prolly more im missing but these r off the top of my head#obvi theyre just hcs tho ppl are free to have different interpretations#except kageyama being autistic. i KNOW im correct abt that one.#also i promise this blog isnt dead i do still love haikyuu v much im just also super obsessed w/ bluelock rn
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HI HELLO i have One small request, could you give me some desertduo fic recs? (like besides yours bc i just all of yours and it made me even Worse) im Unwell abt them
ok i assume u mean like in the life series since all my desertduo fics are life series but !!! i will also be suggesting grand opening of our hearts by @funkily just because well . its sweet i love gay people and fake dating what can i say ?
anyway here are some of my favs !! um heads up every fic i link you today most likely will be at least a little bit slash are because altho the romance isnt what interests me wrt desertduo it is like. very integral to my interpretation of their dynamic as tumblr user mcyt once said. they fucked in that cactus ring. also im sorting these into two categories namely works that make me crazyyy and man that fic sure is fun :) <- lying
works that make me crazyyy: (stuff that indirectly or otherwise inspired my own takes on these fuckers, iirc theyre all canon compliant or the canon setting) um . all of these come with a blanket warning for the canonical end of third life taken to its dramatic saddest including the fight in the cactus ring and grian killing himself, even if none of these per se involve anyone actually permanently dying they definitely get dark 👍 read the tags lol
fireworks exploding in the distance (this writer is just really good in general (altho i couldnt find a tumblr sadly) but this is my favorite lol) its soooooo well um yousee. scarian and grians resistance or otherwise to being touched (explodes)
when the tether snaps the anchor sinks by @eeriefeelingsat3amuwu listen dl!desert duo is sooo interesting to me and i just think this is a really interesting exploration of what the fuck is wrong with them
ashes by @raichett is like ok so first off this whole series is great im user subbed to this author but 2 im so obsessed w this fic i think about it constantly likeee. grian and guilt is such an interesting sort of Thing to me right like he does all this stuff and then he feels sooo guilty . and then he does it again anyway. i want to study him anyway !!! great fic :)
now okay so @sparxwrites sparxwrites is a rec as is because wow !!!! like you can tell when a person has had years to hone their class and sparx clearly has- beware of nsfw tho cos it definitely abounds lol. specific sparx recs, like, my favorites would be here i am, again which is just. its an au where grian and scar win together and this goes exactly as well as you expect :( also! yours were the arms (that the whole world was in) is a last life fic a mumscarian polyamory negotiations fic and its just really good ! i really liked it lol im not much of a last life girly but theres something to the way all these characters so clearly know each other better than we know them thats sooo good and its only 1231 words so its not too long to read in an afternoon so like go read it ! and then come !!!! about it with me bc its sooooooooooo well i dont even know how to say it or i would its great tho
ok now for fics thats are ust !! :) <- mostly they are less :) and more :(( but shhh these are slightly less thinky but no less mwah !! (+ less warnings (still read the tags) + they lean more romantic)
mad scientists can be a little hot. as a treat. by @romanocheese this is exactly what it sounds like, takes place just after grians triple kill w the tnt minecart in third life
coliseum by @artanogon is a steampunk au where pretty much everyone save dogwarts is allied trying to bring down the red king ! unfinished but the tension is sooo high like. the mystery, the suspense, ive literally watched third life i know how this ends and yet here i am on the edge of my seat waiting for each update !!
my heart has been half asleep all my life is a series by @sciencechicken + if i was reccing one fic from it that would be i dont think i could stand to be where you dont see me which is a double life fic that definitely belongs in the other category (grian assumes after scar spent all of DL episode 1 ignoring him that he doesnt want to be soulmates) however since im reccing the full series (its all so good im subscribed to it lol) + the literal second fic is vampire scar/blood drinking/making out... im putting it here lol but its really wonderful i enjoy it greatly
friend of the devil by @mochiwrites and @idioddyssey ok all of the series mochi does are great but this is the one im currently avoiding reading the latest update on because i am soooo invested and i have a terrible feeling something is about to happen . :((( regarding well i shant say because spoilers like i know its gonna be great im just nervous lmao anyway its a mumscarian crime au and it is a delight to read ! recently it has featured tubbo as scars office aide and also well i shant say (spoilers etc) but yeah very fun i really enjoy it :D
l'appel du vide by @pixelfun20 is basically what if grian right after winning 3l was plopped into hermitcraft! i just really enjoy this kind of premise tbh it hasnt been updated since last june sadly but its. a lighter???? read than what else is here! well maybe not lighter but fewer people die iirc
and last but not least: @atherix midnight series which is soooooo like well ok so its mumscarian kind of like fantasy au? featuring vampire mumbo socerer/elf scar and whatever the fuck is up with grian and well ok i am rooting for it to become mumbo/scar/grian/cub actually because well. read and find out? but just trust me ok this series is one of my favorites of the ones im currently following bc of the way it sets up and then pays off conflict-- like, grian'll do something i wont specify due to spoilers and immediately i know that by the time the fic is done there is going to be SUCH a nice catharsis about this !! also the plot of the dsmp is just kind of like playing out as a sidequest for scars adopted son tubbo which i love <- former dsmp girly moment
ok i lied im also gonna plug mochi's series solem et lunam really fast because i like it !! basically grian is the sun god mumbo is the moon god they have a forbidden romance until the unthinkable happens (read the tags !!) OKAY ACTUALLY BYE THIS TIME
#answered asks#HI AXE#btw sorry if anyone i tagged in this didnt want to be tagged just let me know and ill happily untag u :] i typically avoid tagging ppl bc#they might not want to be but im a nosy bitch wrt ppl talking abt my writing so i thought others might be as well lmao#fic recs#ficposting#sorry if this is a lot axe i am severely mentally ill !!#my thots
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U need someone to care for u
johnny suh single dad x teenager y/n
tw: comfort, and happy ending, y/n toxic relationship w her father,self harm scars,
johnny (28) and y/n (14)
Your father was the first one to called ''ungrateful bitch'' and u said that he was literally ''monster'' and he physical abused to the point, that u were crying on floor and blood on ur face and lips..u got used to it and when u couldn't dealt with it anymore... you got a razor and cut urself and made scars on ur arms and legs etc... when it was the final straw u packed ur bags and ran away from home
johnny pov
johnny got out of the groccery store and he was abt to open the trunk to put the groccires bag in there, he saw a young girl crying and hugging her knees and when he saw blood on lips and face, cuts on her arms etc., he knew he had help her and get her taken care of...
so he walked towards her and bend his knees to reach her level
''Are u ok little girl'' johnny ask
little girl finally spoked and said "N-no Sir"
"why don't u come to my house.. so l can take care of cuts u have and they look very deep to be honest" johnny said
johnny went to cup her cheeks and of sudden she flinched
"is somebody hurting u" johnny asked
little girl said "Y-yes"
can ask abt what ur name is? johnny said
my name is Y-y/n
well my name is johnny
"well why don't get u out of here" johnny says
she nods
(2 hours later)
johnny unlocks the door and opens the door...
"you can sit down on the couch and l will attend to u.. but first l have to get first aid first" he said
y/n was toward the living room and goes to the couch and sits on it
johnny goes to towards y/n and sits right beside and gets the first aid kit and opens it and gets alcohol and bandages
"imma gonna put this alchol perioxde on ur scars and beware it might burn "johnny said
puts alochol and y/n makes a oouch sound..
after that johnny put bandages on the scars..
he asks y/n this...
can tell me everything that happened y/n? johnny said
u can take ur time and there is no rush johnny said
y/n takes a breath and starts talking abt her father used to be abuse and torture and called her slurs...
y/n told johnny abt scars on her arms and legs and she did bc she didn't want to be alive and wanted to be free
johnny was sooo shocked and mad that ur father did those things to u
"well now that ur done and clean up wonds.. we should start getting ready to go to sleep" johnny said
"but l don't have any pj's to sleep in" y/n said
"l will grab some of pj's and u can sleep in my other guestroom if u like" johnny said
ok y/n said
johnny gives y/n some pjs and she heads to the guestroom and changes in their..
and johnny knocked on the door and y/n opened it
"i will be going to sleep and if u need anything... my door is right down the hall" johnny said
y/n says ok and says gn to johnny
closes the door and goes to sleep
*5 months later*
y/n and johnny got along and talked more and johnny enrolled y/n to school
y/n is healed and recovered and being doing good in school and passing ur classes and tests
Johnny is gonna surprise y/n w adoption certifcation and johnny decided to adopt y/n bc he sees her as daughter
y/n l got something for u johnny said
johnny handles y/n envelope and y/n goes to the couch to read and starts crying but happy tears
she runs toward johnny and gives him best hug..
ty for helping me johnny and never realize this but l see u as father bc were they for me and always comfort and hangs out me bc my father didn't do that for me... but if they didn't saw or came toward me
i don't know where l would be... so tysm l luv dad
johnny starts tearing up w happy tears and hugs y/n and caresss her hair and gives her head pats...
sooo how abt we go watch an movie theaters and plays some games at the arcade
y/n said that sounds fun to me and lets do it..
y/n and johnny watch movie and plays games at the arcade..
THEY LIVE HAPPLY EVER AFTER... THE END
a/n: l hope u like this and if u go through this or self harm yourself or living a toxic home...seek help and don't be afraid to talk to someone u trust... seek help before it's too late
GBye celzens:)
(bc my name is cel, not funny at all.)
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pleaseee talk abt Frankenstein I'd love to hear what u have to say!! 🥰🥰
JUST REMEMBERED IVE HAD THIS ASK SITTING IN MY INBOX FOR A BIT I WAS SAVING IT FOR A RAINY DAY WHEN I NEEDED AN EXCUSE TO LET THE THOUGHTS OUT OHHHHH OKAY
so i saw a post on here a long fucking time ago essentially saying "stop saying something defies nature when you really mean it defies god" and for some reason i have not been able to stop thinking abt it lately bc like. okay.
when we read Frankenstein in class a few months ago, my teacher asked us the question after we'd finished the book: "should victor have created the monster?" and the general consensus was "no, because he was defying nature and creating an abomination- it was a mistake on his part, an act of ignorance and hubris." and like. even then i was of the opinion that victor shouldnt have made the creature, but that doesnt mean the creature shouldnt have been made, yknow? just that victor should not have been the one to do it because he was incapable of taking responsibility of it
and now i just cant stop thinking about the almost cycle of like. what nature says and how this plays into its creation because heres the thing. it was possible. if something truly defied the natural order, it wouldnt be possible right?? change is nature- evolution and progress is nature. the fact that it was possible for the creature to be made means its within the realm of nature right? like there was no magic involved, nothing supernatural- it was literally all natural science that victor applied to discover the secret of life and shit. so if you look at it through this lens then it totally follows my original thought, theres no reason that the creature shouldnt exist, but victor should not have been the one to create him
EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT ONE OF THE CORE TRUTHS OF THE NOVEL AND ONE OF THE REASONS I RESONATE WITH THE STORY SO MUCH IS THAT THE CREATURE AT A FUNDAMENTAL LEVEL IS INCAPABLE OF BEING ACCEPTED BY SOCIETY. thats why he begs victor for a companion, he knows he will always be alone and no one will ever truly empathize with him. his entire life story sees him attempting to fit in with the beauty of the world, and only finding pain and suffering. and so now im stuck with this eternal debate in my mind, is this because he actually is an unnatural creation that he is unable to find a home? or is his being deemed unnatural a symptom of the very thing preventing him from being accepted by the world: humanity's fear/hatred of that which is different. and i just. im so stuck with this concept, this back and forth of nature vs the unnatural and where the creature falls in this spectrum; how much of nature is determined by us? im gay as fuck and incredibly transgender; people scream abomination at me all the time and that makes me more inclined to say unnatural is a meaningless word in this context. hes unnatural the same way i am, that is to say not at all because we both fucking exist. but then my brother brought up the fact that he is made up of corpses and theres the issue with desecration of the dead and lack of consent with ones body parts being reanimated but thats less unnatural to me and more unethical. and maybe thats the reason this is sticking with me so much because everyone around me was acting like this was a question of nature when really its a question of ethics. and maybe thats what my teacher meant and was trying to get at, but my classmates took it the nature route because everyone takes it the nature route (with good reason i think for how much they bring up the same topics in the text itself). but i really dont think nature matters in this context, so much as the ethics behinds victors actions before and after creating the creature
this is barely a conclusion and yet its the one ive arrived to so. thanks for the excuse to ramble, hopefully these thoughts make more sense written out than they do in my head
#asks#save#look i promise i have deeper things to say abt the novel than this#ive just been thinking a lot abt this class discussion recently and this internal debate has been bugging me to death#its all the stuff i wish i couldnt brought up then but didnt have the words to in the momrnt yk?
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Appreciate your enthusiasm as a teacher. My ask was about CULTURAL APPROBATION. You are using still living mythology and tradition to suit your ends and to fit your needs. Thief just like Riordan.
*heavy sigh*
im tired of these discussion, but this is important so i will talk about it.
this is such an interesting ask. bc this is what you said in your initial inbox:
you talk about racism in some books and then go on to prize percy Jackson without any comment about it's blatant cultural appropriation. Maybe you could occasionally try to expand outside usamercica too.
you made an assumption. and you asked about cultural APPROPRIATION. and i addressed everything i did as an educator to circumvent that. all of the ways i discussed with my students the problems in the text, even as i kept them engaged with it (its my JOB).
this ask was meant to discredit the ongoing discussion i have on this blog abt racism in books, you also made an assumption abt my backgroud again with the intent of discrediting the conversation about racism on this blog. i corrected you, and told you (1) that i am not from just america, and that i split my time between my home country (naija) and here as i am both black american and nigerian. so there was this idea that i couldn't possibly understand the conversation outside of the west - when literally my whole blog consists of critiques against western ideas in literature. (2) i clarified that the book that they're reading is mandated curriculum that i supplement with culturally relevant materials such as challenging the idea of what is considered 'western civilization' which includes the ideas of americanization. so - the idea that i was only teaching them the book without discussing potential problems and ideals being pushed was addressed. hence, why i discussed my role as an educator (3) if this was truly about racism and approbation then what was the point of undermining my discussion about anti-black racism to then make a point abt...racism? or - to assume that i wouldn't see the problems in a text i enjoy. ive LITERALLY addressed the problems both on this blog and on my last
so - there's the idea that my critique of racism is only relegated to the states which wasn't true, there's the idea that im teaching the books to the children under the guise of absolute truth, which i am also not. and then there's this ask, which ignores all of that in favor for an argument that's not going anywhere. what am i stealing? what are you even trying to ask?
as i said in my other post:
it’s crazy bc i literally have pictures of my board of those VERY things bc it was one of my first days teaching. like im passionate abt the issue of racism and colonialism on here what makes u think i wouldn’t be just as passionate in real life???? and if u know the rhythm of my blog and the things i talk abt what also makes u think i wouldn’t see those issues? or that i would even think to have a problem talking abt it. all u had to do was ask: ‘hey how do you feel abt the cultural appropriation’ or ‘how do you talk abt the issues in your class’ or even ‘hey this piece of literature has things that makes me uncomfortable have you noticed them’
and then that would have been a dialogue. it would have been a fruitful conversation. i hate when y’all demonize the conversation abt racism (and anti-black racism) just to WHAT? discredit my conversations abt racism. like wouldn’t u on the surface level agree with my points? like what do u gain here?
in short, there were other ways to go about this. you made assumptions, all of which were wrong. you took a harmless post i made and made an entire argument in your head abt it. read it and weep, but literally whats your deal. if it was something that bothered you, and you thought maybe i didn't know abt it why didn't you ask? why didn't u just say 'hey this book may have harmful things in it?' and ofc i already knew these things bc its curriculum but its so weird for u to come at me with these issues instead of just saying what i said above. anywho, if u make it to the bottom of this i hope you heal.
#anywho i literally have pictures of my boards as we have these discussions.#i have pictures of my lesson plans like u literally are not making ant sense#i hope you find peace and if my blog bothers u maybe just block me and touch some grass while your at it.
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hey! How are you? I have come (yet again) with more httyd urban fantasy questions :D
First question! Is dagur gonna be included in this au? Do you have anything planned for him (or maybe even Heather? I love their chaotic sibling drama)
I also think your idea of making the Dragon Queen the leader of an underground dragon fighting ring (if i read that correctly) is AWESOME and very freaking cool actually. Is there anything you can share about that arc? 👀
Also, does everyone in the gang pick a part time job? Feeding dragons is EXPENSIVE, and those guys eat a LOT. (This is all just to ask if the twins work in a McDonald's or something. Can you imagine the absolute chaos. Ruff casually taking orders at the drive-thru while Tuffnut is trying to put out the fire. The embodiment of "911 do you take reservations" video)
OKAY THATS ALL. Have a lovely day!!
hi!!! im good. well ... i have a math test today so it could be better but i get to chill out in the morning so thats fun . could be worse
first answer!!! i honestly havent thought of anything beyond the realms of httyd1. the first idea that comes to my head is that they would probably both be villains, but dagur would be keeping some secret about what they "actually" do from heather (maybe because he thinks hes protecting her) and she would find out and want to leave the hunting industry, maybe something to do with windshear.
OK so while the hunting industry is an established trade without legal repercussions (beyond some dragons having protections for economic reasons), the Red Death fighting ring isn't explicitly run by the government. it could be considered illegal (because they often steal dragons legally shot down by the government, like toothless, and put them in the ring), but operates under enough legal loopholes to be known locally and keep running. its located literally underground, and all of their bases are underneath entirely legit buildings, so its tricky to shut down what they're doing without hurting innocent people. the only issue i have thinking about it is that for this arc to work i do want to make the actual red death dragon a human, but i struggle to create a scenario afterwards with other villains (like dagur or viggo) that would raise the stakes enough, considering i want to follow httyd1's plot and have hiccup lose a leg to the red death.
its funny u say that abt jobs!!! i was actually thinking of this while making outfit designs last night, lol. astrid works seasonally at a skiing place and does soccer and dragon racing (though the latter isnt working out too well for her beforehand, and she stops wanting to do it after getting involved in the gang, but feels like she has to keep it up to avoid suspicion), and does online classes at universities abroad. her parents are pretty well-off and she has free reign of a debit card, so she's really useful for buying whatever supplies as long as it can be explained (like she did for the soccer gear they wear). but all the other stuff actually makes her the least available for vigilante bullshit, which shes kind of angry about, because she wants to blow stuff up with hiccup!!!!.
i like the idea of the twins working fast food, thats rlly funny, ajhjkd. though i think ruffnut would be the only one who has a job at the start of the story, and tuffnut would only get one after they have to take care of barf + belch (because he has issues with restraining environments).
i like to think fishlegs also works part-time at a post office. he actually enjoys being there and is really fascinated by stamps, how different codes work, etc and he says it helps him with stress, which flies over everyone else's head
thank u!!!! i will try to have a good day. all ur questions r very interesting and make me think <3
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pspspsp i am asking u to info dump about greek myths rn bc i never got into em when i was younger bc i didnt know where to lear about them sooobbbsss
I FORGOR
okay so uhhh just a disclaimer while i am a greek mythology enthusiast i am also not a reliable source AVSJA and i mostly like. stories from different sources and different interpretation. like when i see a myth i like to just take it and be weird abt it
my favorite example: icarus. from the main source, he's the son of dedalus and they got locked in his father's labyrinth, right. and dedalus made wax wings for icarus, and warned him to not get too close to the sun, otherwise the wings would melt. but icarus did it anyway, and fell into the sea
on the other side you have 2 icons for the sun: apollo, the god of sun and arts, and helios, the literal allegory for the sun, who rode the solar chariot every day (hence the rising and setting sun).
what drew icarus to fly too high was hubris, kind of the arrogation of mankind & its consequences (im rly dumbing it down bc i myself am dumb btw. and french so. words. excuses). but i like to involve apollo and/or helios in that, and to extrapolate a lot, often with the common trope of love (not necessarily romantic or sexual) between a deity and a mortal. ik a lot of people who are into mythology (especially in the spiritual sense, but not just them) hate the "fandomification" of myths but i personally like being silly about it and actually often draw parallels between (extrapolated) myths and ocs and/or characters. icarus/apollo/helios make me think of xiaoventher for example!!! so im 0% normal about them:)
anyway yeah the main point is that my enjoyment of greek myths is kind of surface-level, i could brainrot abt certain stories like narcissus and echo but i might start vibrating out of existence. also find hades and persephone to have an amazing story but it was slightly ruined by the comic lore olympus 💀
however a few funny things imo: hephaistos (not 100% sure that's his name in eng.....) was so ugly his own mother, hera, threw him off a cliff as an infant. zeus has to put him in his calf to let him kind of heal??? athena was also born fully grown and with her whole armor from zeus' HEAD. insanity
BUT YEAH IDK I LOVE IT but i also have a very bad memory so. i did get a whole class studying the gods 2 years ago tho, that was so cool. but i never read percy jackson 😔
tbh id say reading ovid's metamorphoses that's really good!! it's kind of an anthology with a shit ton of myths, and one of the most popular sources so i rly love it <333 and there's also the iliad and the odyssey for troy's war (with namely achilles, ajax etc) and odysseus' journey from troy to his wife and kid. it's kind of hard to read imo, but sort of the base material so ZBDJZN
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soooo what happened between darius alador and perry in that 'how could u do this to me? i thought you were my friends!' drawing of teen darius? 👀
in the particular doodle ur refering to, it could be either odalia/alador or eda/perry he's talking too.
the former bc they have gotten together and excluded darius a lot more so from their lives; its a culmination of the alador/darius friendship breakup. OR the latter for their interference in the love triangle and telling odalia to go for it, thinking they'd save darius from eventual heartbreak (bc they think alador kinda sucks), which is very counterintuitive. but they are.... like 15/16? they are not the brightest.
im trying to find the best wording for making this understandable with context but i'm literally the stupidest at media/ character analysis so my interpretations/headcanons for their relationships are all undercut to read if you want more context,,
ok so in my mind eda, raine, and lilith were a friend group and tentatively bc of raine's friendship with darius, he, perry, alador, and subsequentially odalia all... knew each other? hung out? were school friends? like clearly darius and perry got along with eda, raine and lilith more considering the nucleus gallery dana art.
so in a convoluted map of hormones you have: eda and raine slowburn 200k. alador and darius friends? mutual pining but totally not doing anything abt it? perry with an unrequited crush on darius. whatever tf odalia and alador have going on. and lilith is literally just standing there.
i think a lot of the groups issues involve a lot of assumptions and miscommunications. like eda and raine's relationship falling out bc of eda's assumptions that raine couldn't handle dealing with her and her curse and refusing to even tell them anything about it. or raine's assumption that eda's reluctance to open up to them has any bearing on eda's feelings for them for example.
i feel like the alador/darius/perry weird love triangle falls in a similar catergory. odalia assumes darius's feelings for alador are more surface level as opposed to having a genuine connection. she sees alador as a potential partner in the most literal sense; they could create a life together that benefited both of their ambitions.
[i also want to add i dont think odalia is trying to be like evil or anything here in this place in time. I think shes a teen who, given the competitive nature of societal rank and privileges within the coven system, wanted to do her damnest to find a good place in life. if that had to be with alador, so be it. she's self-serving here, only later as power and wealth became more present in her life and grasp, i think her self-service grew into apathetic greed.]
alador is literally like... the most guy ever where he's like... listless. Not to say he doesnt have interests or passions, clearly sharing many with darius, but the difference lies with the fact he doesn't know how to speak for himself to the detriment to himself [and later his children]. he just lets things happen to him. and i think thats really the crux of the fission with his friendship with darius is that he let him go without any regard to darius's feelings.
darius is so much more confident as an adult coven head that im of the mind that he wasnt always so. and i think this is probably before his mentorship with the prev Golden Guard so like he's just some guy so he doesn't have the experience to know what to do or feel in a lot of situations. least of all when it comes to his feelings. he's got a lot of bravado im sure but im sure its to cover his more caring nature. and so when his friends go behind his back and making decisions for his sake, he's very rightfully pissed and heartbroken.
for me, perry seems like a very unfortunate casualty in this. he just had a crush on this guy and that guy kinda liked this OTHER dude but that OTHER dude was in a slowburn divorce arc with this one girl in his Oracle track classes. so like, it would be a win for everyone if darius wasnt strung along and odalia and alador got together right?
and i think eda's just down to help her friends but again she's all action and no thought so i dont think she realized how fucked the situation actually was....
and again emphatically, lilith is literally just standing there.
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I posted 2,548 times in 2022
10 posts created (0%)
2,538 posts reblogged (100%)
Blogs I reblogged the most:
@barbiedolldean
@suncaptor
@scaryorganmusic
@fandom-hoarder
@spneveryseason
I tagged 1,252 of my posts in 2022
#spn - 644 posts
#spn meta - 162 posts
#spn fic - 105 posts
#to read - 77 posts
#succession - 37 posts
#sw - 36 posts
#star wars - 34 posts
#gif set - 33 posts
#euphoria - 26 posts
#fic inspo - 24 posts
Longest Tag: 137 characters
#thinking of a world where they get mary out of apocalypse world in s13 and then once she’s safe and back in the bunker her eyes flash red
My Top Posts in 2022:
#5
No amount of cool shots will make up for the fact that the episode was shit :/
13 notes - Posted February 1, 2022
#4
Ok but why were Jules and Elliot just sitting there while Rue trashed her own house and got violent with her mother and sister cuz if this was an intervention then i definitely think they shouldve intervened a little bit earlier 😑
17 notes - Posted February 8, 2022
#3
I was gonna say that they should've made Euphoria abt college students even if its unrealistic but then I remembered that bitches like Nate Jacobs literally exist on college campuses. Like you'll literally talk to a girl in your class and she'll be like "yeah watch out for x white guy bcuz he regularly gang stalks and has 6 accusations filed to the Title IX office abt him but the school doesn't do anything bcuz hes on the varsity field hockey team so u know just be careful" and then u just have to live that
31 notes - Posted January 18, 2022
#2
Euphoria s2 is literally just Riverdale with better cinematography :/
43 notes - Posted January 31, 2022
My #1 post of 2022
"If Maddie finds out she will spend the rest of her life trying to kill me but she will definitely kill you" I love Cassie but shes dumb as bricks bcuz after Nate says this they cut to a scene of Maddy smashing a girls head in a locker like fucking King Pin from Daredevil. Like why would u risk ur life like this? And over Nate Jacobs of all ppl?? 🤨
58 notes - Posted January 17, 2022
Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →
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hi hi mimi! i missed you too! school started for me and it’s my last year of high school, so i’ve been out of it lol. i did a summer program at a local college so i didn’t even get like a full break 💔💔 it’s been boring since all my classes are just electives to graduate. and tests for college because i didn’t do them previously because of procrastination. i’m out here fixing my wrongs at the last minute 😭😭 OH and i started at a new school so i’m trying to make friends, but everyone thinks i’m fourteen and not seventeen 😔 baby face 👎👎
enough about my life, sorry for blabbing about that
i’ve been reading a lot of your stuff but i haven’t been able to write a paragraph like usual 😞😞 i’ve started some but i’ll summarize my thoughts.
that sae fic? YUMMY, DELICIOUS, SOME OTHER ADJECTIVES THAT I CANT THINK OF. that little carrd that you attached? i’m under your bed as we speak. /jk also sae being your first 5k fic? i KNEW you were an ITOSHI KISSER! stop the sae censorship! no more s*e!
that rin fic too? i love anxious rin headcanons where he doesn’t know how to act with a partner. something about emotionally constipated rin who overthinks, just does it for me. just RAHH. MWAH MWAH MWAH 💋
I already told you how my reo fics make me feel, but 💞💗 reo💞💗. like reo is just that guy, if someone doesn’t like reo they’re a red flag. i’m tired of seeing my baby cry in episode nagi.
i hope you have a wonderful day mimi! xoxo
(🏹)
i promise to drop by more often after my month of vanishing!! TRUST 🤞🤞
HELLO MY LOVELY 🏹 (everyone come greet 🏹) i missed you MORE (don't fight me on it i've been told i'm insufferable) ooooh last year of highschool !! that's so exciting for you (and also scary i'm sure :P) you had a productive summer break (is it even a break ToT) i see !! good for u, i've been dilly dallying around and writing delusions here and there 😼 oh no procrastination is really hard to combat pls i'm def not an expert on that :< but you're fixing it now and that matters more!! good luck at making new friends (i suck on that :P) !! can't say i relate w the baby face btw, i'm often mistaken to be fifteen because of my height and actual fifteen yr olds are even taller than me 🥲
tell me more abt you some other time !!!!! 😼
you don't need to drop by everytimeeeeee i know life can be busy sometimes !! i'm happy to have you anytime as long as it's you 🫵🏻 i look forward to anything you have for me (❁´◡`❁)
that sae fic pls. that thing was almost 4 months in the making because i'm literally like this > (._.) when i write a sentence in that fic. like no thoughts, head def empty. got sick of it one day and said, fuck it let's finish it. PLS I'M NEVER BEATING THESE SAE ENJOYER ALLEGATIONS if you can't beat them, join them so i'm now an itoshi k-k-kisser (it's so hard to admit) BUT STILL RIN >>>>>>>>>
SPEAKING OF RIN everyone misses him T^T most definitely i do !!!! i've been channelling these missing hours of him into writing. i'll be the most annoying person here on tumblr once we see him back in the manga i swear. YOU'RE SO RIGHT anxious lover rin >>>> the babygirl of all babygirls !!! 🗣️
💞💗 REO 💞💗 i've been enjoying writing reo drabbles these days. generally, just any trope i think of and any loser boy tendencies that i have: I WRITE ABOUT HIM he makes me unwell 🤺 i avoid that crying pic of him anywhere i swear, my mind automatically filters the sight of it to cope xD
I HOPE YOU HAVE THE BEST DAY and life is treating you well as it should !!!!
and good luck to your last year of hs !!! you'll ace that trust me all i speak is truth 🫂
see you around ! (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)
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I had an ateez dream again bestie 😎😎
Let me elaborate (oh and guess where it takes place? School!!)
So, it started out like a normal dream, i was in school and I had by bsf with me and we were just walking down the halls and all. What happens is tht i hear someone say that today some famous people will arrive at our school or something like this, basically hinting tht someone would be here but i just acknowledge it and don't pay much mind to it. THEN, me and bsf, go up the stairs on 1st floor, we were basically bunking class lol, and one of the teachers almost caught but I made up a lie on time and he let us go.
As we were walking downstairs, i saw a huge crowd gathered near the canteen area. I was like, woah is something happening, then from tht distance only I see a head pop out, quite specifically a red one 😭
And I just run with all my might towards there, i push thru people to reach where they were and the first person I saw was san, mannnn he just felt so real like ahgssjah, i could feel butterflies even in my dream. So i wave at him and start saying corny and cheesy things like "oh my god, my heart beling to you" 💀💀💀 (I'd never irl) or something worse, but san was so shy 😭 he didn't even make eye contact but we shook hands
Woo was completely hidden by san, then i wave at him and he waves back in tiny. Now then, Mr Jeong yunho appears from the black crowd like the god he is, and it felt as if he had sparkles around him. And for some reason he was the only member not wearing any casual clothing. He wore tht one outfit...hold up let me share a picture ( i couldn't find a better picture 😭)
and istg, i ascended, I went "YUNHO?!?!" And he just smiled awkwardly 😭 but he was tall alr? I felt so tiny in front of him.
Now thts all the members I saw there just three, and my frnd kept bugging me to go somewhere bcz i was taking so long, but i didn't wanna leave. How could I dude?? Ateez were there :') but she managed to drag me out and as she was doing tht i saw seonghwa and i quite literally grabbed him by his shoulder 😭😭 I was way too bold in my dream man
He was shocked he was like wtf is wrong with this creature but he still maintained a smile. He was wearing something fuzzy, like a coat and he wore a beret cap AND glasses, i legit read wallflower before sleeping and he appears in glasses 😌😌 but then i started telling how grateful I was to live at the exact same time he was living and not in any other dimension! And he was sooo shy, idk why but I think the roles should be reversed but somehow they were the shy ones 😭😭 he also didn't make any eye contact until my friend pulled me from the love of my life :') and the meeting with ateez ended....(sad)
The dreams still continued but I don't think it'd be relevant if it ain't ateez!! I had forgotten that i had even dreamt, then in the morning I was like i dreamt of something really good but i can't remember then I opened Pinterest and i saw san and I was like OHHH I DREAMT ABT ATEEZ!!!
sO you’re saying you experienced boys over flowers???? HELPNFHWJDHWK DO U RMR THAT EDIT W THEM BEING THE BOYS OVER FLOWERS CAST 😭😭 i used to have it but i don’t anymore <//3 if someone can find it pls do send bc that was so funny kdjskdjd
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hi vienna ,, tbh u dont need to read this bc idk if itd be triggering (body image issues) and id rather u not trouble urself bc of me but id like to vent somewhere and i dont have any1 to talk 2 so pls feel free to ignore .
ive always been overweight for my age but i never faced any bullying abt it other than some very occasion name calling of "fat" in elementary school and my family's disaproval for the way i look. as i grew up, i started to feel more comfortable around others despite not being satisfied with the way i look and i assumed that as kids mature they become more accepting, bc i had never been truly bullied b4 i just assumed it might be rare in communities such as where i lived compared to some of the horror stories i had heard. anyways all my life i had assumed people had been seeing me for more than what i looked like, i always tried to be kind and make a good impression on other but ig that's not true. as much as i love my circle of friends, im not sure i can see them same after what happened on friday. it isnt even their fault, i just feel very insecure now. but basically in 1 of my classes, we had a change in seating so i no longer sat near my friends but 2 acquantainces (they're rlly sweet girls but idk them too well) and this one guy that i also dont know very well other than that in 8th grade he had dated an old friend of mine for a little bit. but anywyas tbh i feel like im just being dramatic but i srsly can't get his conversation out of my mind . the boy was sat next to me and talking to his friend, their convo alr starting off on a wierd note abt kanye west. and the guy next to me (ill call him ray to make it easy) starts off by saying that kanye's note all that bad and has said some pretty true things. ray then goes on to say that fat people dont deserve to exist and body positivity is a completely stupid subject bc it only encourages obesity and unhealthy habits. all the while he's saying this, seated right next to me and im pretty sure he was glancing at me while saying it too . those 90 minutes were the most uncomfortable in my entire life. i was literally panicking while he was talking abt it and it's all that i can think of now. their conversation was truly disturbing to me and my confidence feels as if its completely tanked . his comments of "fat people are gross" and "being fat shouldnt be celebrated" keep ringing in my head everytime i go out or see myself in a mirror. i genuinely feel so broken and it hurts that theyve probably dont realize the effect of their words but also it hurts that that's all they can see me as. not another human being or a classmate but just "fat". idk where im going with this but i dont feel ok and i feel so exhausted now ,, just the thought of having to see ray's face again or hear his voice is scaring me . maybe im just overthinking but i cant help but wonder if my friends picture me the same way. am i even deserving of love if im so "ugly" . my friends sometimes comment that i look way older than my age or that i could pass for college aged and even comments like those are hard to brush off for me. sometimes i wonder if i should restrain my jokes and personality to stay kind bc that's all i am to them. just a source of comfort, and if i dont do that then i could be easily execused. im always scared of saying the wrong thing but now i keep wondering if it would never even matter bc all anyone will ever see me as is "fat" . it's not like i haven't tried to lose weight so i rlly hate everything that ray said and its srsly put me thru sm turmoil . anyways i shld keep this brief (sorry for the rant) and im sorry again for using ur inbox to rant , i rlly hope this doesn't cause you any pain or you find it triggering :( i apologize if it has caused you any concern or pain. i hope ur good and stay happy vie
tw: body image and weight talk
hello, dear :( let me start this off by saying that don't worry, i am perfectly alright and am glad that you feel it's safe enough to vent and write your feelings out in my inbox. you don't have to apologize for anything! i am the one who says that they're open if anyone needs to rant or vent. i would never judge. i had to read this a few times in order to collect my thoughts, so pardon me for delaying this a bit. i wasn't sure if you wanted my direct response, so i will just keep it short.
i won't say that i completely understand what you've been through and i can't speak on experiences i haven't personally lived through. however, as another human being, i will say this: you absolutely deserve to exist. i hope you never ever doubt that. i know how difficult it is to deal with comments about your appearance and it angers me so much that you're treated this way. i get how the side comments every now and then feels. bullying is horrible, but this is just as bad for someone's self esteem and health. im truly so sorry and wish i could do something for you, but i can't because of obvious reasons (that being me being just an online presence and not there with you).
i just want to reassure you that no matter what anyone says, you deserve love and life and goodness. a lot of people don't understand how difficult it is when you don't weigh below a certain number or how isolated that could make someone feel regardless if they're mentioned or not. everyone is so much more than just their appearance. idk how else i could help you other than to strongly remind you that you are you and that should be enough for your friends and that people should learn to keep their mouths shut on their opinions about other people's appearance. it doesn't matter if you lose the weight or if you tell them you struggle a lot with it. those people should reassess the way they're treating another human being with real feelings and thoughts. never lose who you are and trying to be what other people need and want you to be. it may end up making things worse, i know, and im not sure if you've ever told them directly that their words are extremely rude and hurtful and that they should stop, but someone (even if it's not you yourself) really, really should.
i pray that none of what i said has further upset you in any way. if so, i sincerely apologize :( i genuinely hope that this never happens to you again and that you'll have a greater year than ever and that you'll find wholehearted acceptance and love from those you are surrounded by and that you'll slowly but surely feel comfortable in your own skin. take care and you're loved! people like the ray you mentioned are not worth feeling bad over.
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YA!! hoping we both survive this year's semester even though the blanket nest is much more preferable :'D also yes!! i'm giving u my sweet dreams big sib (°▽°) FGSGD ALSO YES!! I AM NOW YOUR LITTLE SISTER BY BLOOD EHEHE /aff. anyways ghshdgs when i read you single-handedly taking down criminals in neighborhoods im like "does that mean you're fighting crime with cyno now?" i also thought of spiderman for some reason too EHFHAGAXN /lh ~Lycoris
i am here a week late and i just got ur other ask too, which i will answer under this one ^^ my bb sis yes <33 well after that i did have some weird dreams but now i don't remember them by the time i wake up so,, improvement,,? OK BUT THANK U FOR MAKING ME THINK OF THAT DREAM IN THIS WAY??? SPIDERMAN AND CYNO CHEF'S KISS??? i love both of them sm crying T~T
the rest under cut ↓
i also wish i could confidently say i was doing well but the truth of the matter is i'm literally alr pretty done with the semester even tho it's only been a week 😭 the workload is no joke and i've got to go in to uni for classes even on saturdays which really doesn't help my case,, but i do hope that tho this week was crap for the both of us, we can see better weeks ahead of us! i'm sure our favs like albedo and thoma would be proud of us for making it through this week like champs <3 and they'd cheer us on for the next week too in their own lil ways hehe
i'll leave u with a lil hc before i head off to bed since i've got class tmr: albedo notices the lil changes in ur mood really fast and so when he sees u down after a day at school, he pulls u down beside him and gets u ur favourite drink and snack and just quietly sits there as emotional support or listens to u if u wanna talk abt it <3
and thoma would give u a big bear hug before asking u if u wanted any food in specific because that will be ur dinner ^^ food therapy >>> and taroumaru also snuggles up to u and thoma would set up maybe a movie night to help distract u hehe
#— asks ☆#we've got this! let's not become too discouraged ^^#there's still almost a full yr ahead!#this is our yr we will not be beaten! 😤
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