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waitimcomingtoo · 3 years

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In Case You Don’t Live Forever

~sixth chapter rewritten~

Pairing: Peter Parker x Venom!reader

Synopsis: you are Peters greatest love and Spider-Man’s greatest enemy

Series Masterlist

Two months later, you sat outside The Daily Bugle and impatiently bounced your leg. While waiting to see if your boss liked your first draft of the Cleatus Kassidy article, you reflected on your past two months in New York.

It was now June. You and Venom had fallen into a routine. You’d work on the Cletus article by day and go patrolling at night. Of course, being Venom wasn’t a nightly occurrence. You’d only go out eating once or twice a week. Still, you managed to have 11 run ins with Spider-Man.

You and Peter had become significantly closer in that past two months as well. You’d help him with his homework, though you secretly thought he was smarter than you, and he helped me with your story. Some nights, he’d visit you on your fire escape and watch the sun go down. You had no idea how he got there, but you didn’t care.

You’d send him science puns while he was at school and he’d bring you food and keep you company when You had writers block. Your favorite was the long talks on the roof. You would sit there for hours and tell each other everything. You knew all his secrets and he knew yours.

Well, not all.

But the best part of all was that every now and then, you’d catch the other staring. Then, the other would stare back until someone, usually Peter, started to lean in. Every time you thought you were finally going to take the next step, something would interrupt you. Whether it was May knocking or Ned barging in or Peters phone ringing. That was another thing about Peter. His damn phone was always ringing and then he’d have to dash off somewhere, leaving you with a random excuse or something about an internship. Sometimes, you’d wish he’d just throw his phone aside and kiss you already.

“Great work so far, L/n.” Your boss tore you away from your thoughts. “I knew you’d be right for the job.”

“Thank you, Mr. Jameson.” You stammered as you stood up. “I really appreciate you giving me this job. I was kinda blackballed back in San Francisco.”

“I know.” He shrugged. “But you ask the hard hitting questions that people want to hear. Once this article is out, I want you to write one on Venom.”

“Venom?” You gulped at her name.

“Yeah.” He nodded. “You know that scary black monster that’s been fighting Spiderman? I’m thinking an exposé on that menace webhead and his latest enemy, and I think you’d be perfect for the job.”

 “I would love to.” You said quickly. “I’ll start researching right away.”

With that, you turned on your heel and left the building before Venom caused a scene.

“Monster?” Venom roared once you got in your car. “Scary?”

“I know.” You whined. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know he was gonna call you that.”

“His whole job is reading about the most dangerous criminals in New York. If he thinks we’re scary, what’s Peter gonna think?” Venom asked. You laughed in dismissal until you thought about what he said.

What would Peter think? What if you told Peter who you really were and he ran away? He was sweet and understanding, but how understanding could he possibly be when you tell him you can turn into a flesh eating monster?

That’s when you realized you were scared. You were scared of letting Peter in and him letting himself right out. You were scared of repeating the mistakes you made with Andy. No, not scared.

Petrified.

What if Peter didn’t like what he saw? What if he realized you were too messy to be with? Or had too much baggage? Peter deserved a nice girl. One with a normal family and friends. One without depression. One without a flesh eating symbiote attached to their immune system.

“What’s wrong baby?” Venom asked with concern. She cuddled around your neck and nuzzled into your cheek.

“I can never be with Peter.” You whispered, mostly to yourself. Hot tears of frustration filled your eyes so you looked up to keep them from falling. Admitting it felt like a fatal blow to the stomach. Venom tied your hair up with one of her arms and wiped the tears from your face.

“Why do you say that?”

You thought about it for a moment before answering. You didn’t want to tell Venom that you were feeling insecure. She freaked out on you whenever you said something negative about yourself. You didn’t wanna another 100 slide PowerPoint titled “why Y/N L/N is the baddest bitch in the galaxy”. Especially since forty of those slides were just pictures of your butt. You appreciated Venom wanting to help but you were feeling the kind of insecure that a pep talk couldn’t fix. You needed to figure it out on your own. So instead, you told her a different fear you had.

“Because. Look at us. We’re the only thing keeping each other alive.” You reasoned. “What if we get separated and die? I can’t become one of those people in Peters life who loved him and then left him. His mom, his dad, his Uncle Ben. I don’t want to die and leave Peter behind. He’s been through enough. He’d be so much better off without me.”

“We’re not gonna die. You protect me and I protect you. Nothing will hurt us as long as we have each other.” Venom assured you.

“I can’t protect you like you protect me.” You said softly. “I’m just a human. What if something happens to me and you die because of it?”

“Nothing will happen to you, Y/N. I promise. I won’t let it.” Venom swore. You looked at her and gave her a sad smile.

“I won’t let anything happen to you either.” You said, but you didn’t promise it. You knew you couldn’t promise it.

“And you can be with Peter.” Venom insisted. “On Klyntar, we mate for life. And we think you’ve found your mate in Peter.”

“What does that mean?” You wondered.

“It means we’ve become attached to him and will never be happy with anyone else.” Venom said. You let out a shaky breath as that wasn’t what you wanted to hear. You needed a reason to shut your feelings for Peter down.

“Like soulmates?” You asked.

“Exactly like soulmates.” Venom answered.

“Well what happens on Klyntar if someone is your soulmate but you’re not theirs?”

“Then we go into a cave and mourn until we die alone of heartbreak.” Venom said simply.

“That sounds about right.” You laughed sadly as you took a second to think.

“I’m gonna call that guy back.” You said suddenly.

“What guy?” She asked.

“They guy who asked me out at the coffee shop this morning.” You reminded her.

“The one with the stupid hair? Why would you call him?” Venom asked angrily.

“What was wrong with his hair?” You laughed.

“It was blonde. We like brunette.” Venom said with a devilish grin.

“His hair was fine.” You rolled your eyes. “And I’m gonna call him to say yes to the date.”

“Why would we do that when we like Peter?” Venom whined.

“Because if Peter doesn’t like us, I don’t want to die of heartbreak alone in a cave.” You admitted.

“He does love you.” Venom protested.

“We don’t know that.” You shook your head. “It’s just one date. I need to get back out there anyway. I haven’t gone on a date Andy and I broke up.”

“Fine.” Venom grumbled. “But this is a terrible idea and I’m going to complain the whole time and sing the Les Mis soundtrack in your head.” This was one of those moments where she felt more like your toddler than your symbiote.

You gave the guy a call before driving back to your apartment. As fate would have it, you ran into Peter in the hallway on your way to your room.

“Hey Y/n!” Peter greeted you. “You want to come over later and help me with spanish? I’ll amo you mucho.”

You wanted so badly to say yes but you had to stick to the plan to squash your feelings for Peter.

“Aw, I’m sorry Pete. I wish I could but I have a date tonight.” You frowned, instantly regretting it when you saw the look on his face.

Peter’s heart sank to the floor as he emotions went from feeling devastated to feeling white hot anger in a matter of seconds

“A date?” He sputtered. “With who?”

“Some boy I met at the coffee shop.” You said weakly, knowing you were hurting him.

“Oh.” He said dully.

“Some boy.” He thought angrily. “Some freaking dirty ass sissy coffee boy asked my girl out.”

Peter felt like hunting the man down and smacking the shit out of him. Or at the very least, webbing him to a wall leaving him there until he missed the date.

“What’s his name?” Peter asked suddenly, wanting to put a name to his new mortal enemy.

“Matt.” You nodded slowly.

“Freaking Matt.” Peter thought. “Freaking dirty ass bitch ass Matt. Was Matt Spider-Man? No. Could Matt treat you as well as I could? Probably. But did he like you as much? No. Did he have inside jokes with you? No. Could he make you laugh your beautiful laugh just by doing a Captain America impression? No. He wasn’t good enough for you. He couldn’t do the things I could do. He was trash. He was a trashy dirty ass rat boy.”

“Interesting.” Peter said, keeping his thoughts to himself.

“I’ll text you when it’s over and maybe I can help you then.” You offered. That sound okay, guapo?”

Peter nodded sadly, not even acknowledging that you called him handsome. Actually, he probably had no idea that you did. He was smart, but only in English.

“That’s fine.” He nodded glumly. “I’ll see you later.”

You watched Peter trudge into his apartment and felt a pain in your heart. He seemed so upset all the sudden. It couldn’t be from your date, could it? It’s not like you told him you got engaged or something. It was one little date. And it’s not like Peter even made a move. He had no reason to be upset. You brushed it off and went into your apartment to get ready.

Just as Venom predicted, the date went horribly wrong. You drove back to the apartment in silence afterwards, leaving Matt to clean himself off back at the restaurant.

“Why did that happen?” You asked her after a long drive in silence. You were mortified from the events of the night but you needed to know why they happened.

“Because he wasn’t your soulmate.” Venom said simply.

“We defiled that boy.”

“It happens.” Venom stated.

“It shouldn’t.” You said, shocked at how nonchalantly she was being.

“But it does.”

You rode the rest of the way in silence, shooting Peter a text before asleep on your couch. You woke up a few hours later in a cold sweat and in tears. You didn’t know it, but Peter was listening to your breathing from his apartment. He had picked up the small cries of his name in your sleep with his superhearing and stayed up to see if you were okay.

You weren’t, by the way. You had had a nightmare that shook you deeply and left you shaking. It was about Peter, but not in a good way. In this dream, he laid injured on the ground after a fight. You were separated from Venom and bleeding out near Peter. You couldn’t do anything to save him. You couldn’t scream for help. And worse, you couldn’t protect him. It caused you great agony to not be able to reach him.

Without giving it another thought, you got off your couch and made your way to the door. You needed to see Peter and tell him how you felt.

You didn’t care about your insecurities anymore. You didn’t care about all the things keeping you apart. You only cared about him, and that was enough. He needed to know that and you couldn’t wait another second.

You swung open your front door, only to find Peter Parker outside it in pink Hello Kitty pajama bottoms and a tight white t-shirt. His hand was raised, like he was about to knock.

“Hey.” you breathed. His hair was tousled and sticking up in random places. He looked heavenly.

“Hi.” He said shyly.

“I was just about to go to your door. I had a bad dream.” You told him. You were anxious to skip the semantics and cut right to the chase.

The chase being, “I love you and I’m yours if you’ll have me.”

“Yeah, I heard. That’s why I’m here.” Peter explained. That’s not what he wanted to say. What he wanted to say was, “I’m always here if you need me. I’d go to the ends of the earth for you. I love you. It’ll be okay.”

Peter looked at you funny for a moment, like he was seeing something beneath the surface.

“She looks so beautiful.” He thought. Makeup free, hair a little messy, and nothing but an oversized sweatshirt to cover you. Peter recognized the sweatshirt as his own, one you had swiped from his laundry basket because you had been freezing while watching Alien in his room. He felt so honored to know that you slept in it. Peter wondered how many times he could fall in love with you in a short span of time. In the past few seconds, he’d fallen about 15 times. Once for every breath you took. And you were breathing quite heavily.

“You heard?” You asked, wondering how he

had possible heard from his apartment.

“My hearing is excellent.” He said quickly. “Are you alright?”

“Please be alright.” He thought. “I’d stop anything that tried to hurt you. I’ll protect you from the storm. Don’t shut me out. Don’t turn me away. Let me love you.”

“Um…” You trailed off and looked behind you at your empty apartment. The darkness looked anything but inviting. You couldn’t go back in there just yet.

“No?” It came out as more of a question.

“No? Do you want to talk about it-“ Peter was cut off when you rushed into his arm and hugged him tightly. He seemed taken aback, seeing as you nearly knocked the wind out of him. But as soon as he found his footing, he wrapped his strong arms around you and held you close. You relaxed in Peters embrace and let out a sigh.

“I had a nightmare.” You croaked. “You died and I couldn’t save you.”

“I know. It’s okay. You’re awake now. I’m here.” Peter said soothingly.

“I’ve been here the whole time.” He thought. “I will never abandon you. You are safe in my arms. Nothing can hurt you now. I won’t let it.”

You pulled away a little and looked at his face, seeing how tired it was.

“Would you stay with me?” You asked timidly. You didn’t want him to go. Not now, not ever.

“Always.” Peter answered with a smile. “As if I could ever leave you.”

Your lips lit up in a smile as your eyes fell to his lips. They lingered there for too long, or maybe just long enough. Peter took the hint and slipped his hand behind your neck and began to pull you closer. As your lips were about to touch, your door slammed, causing you to jump out of each other’s embrace.

“Shit balls.” You said immediately, letting out an annoyed sigh.

“What?” Peter asked, giggling a little at your choice of profanity.

“I just locked myself out.” You realized as you jiggled through door handle. Peter laughed louder this time and put a hand on your shoulder.

“Come on. You’re sleeping over.” He said, leading you back to his apartment with his hand on the small of his back.

You entered Peters room for the millionth time, but it felt the first time. Sure, you’d become good friends in the time you’ve lived in the building, but bedrooms were intimate places. The context of you being in Peters bedroom after going to him for comfort changes how you saw the place. After all, bedrooms were windows into the soul. Oh wait, that’s eyes. Still, the room was different. You didn’t feel like you were entering it. You felt like you were returning.

You looked around with a content smile on your face. He still had his academic decathlon posters on his wall, along with a few Avengers posters. Peter was pretty neat, but he was still a teenage boy. Socks and sweaters were strewn across the room. You saw him kicking a pair of boxers under his desk out of the corner of you eye. His room was so cute. It was so…Peter. You noticed a first aid kit on his desk next to his chemistry textbook and wondered what on earth he could be using it for.

“I’ve always liked your room.” You complimented as you touched a decathlon trophy on his dresser.

“Oh thank God.” Peter sighed in relief. “I thought you’d take one look at my nerdy ambiance and run.”

“Star Wars bedsheets?” You asked when you noticed the Death Star poking out under his duvet. You definitely hadn’t seen those before and found them endearing. Peters ears reddened and he fixed his duvet to cover them up.

“Those aren’t mine.” He said quickly.

“Are they Mays? As in May the force be with you?” You played along and he gave you a defeated smile.

“That was the worst thing anyone has ever said. Ever.” Peter joked. You laughed and he gave you a shy smile.

“Fine. They’re my bedsheets. Star Wars is cool, okay?” Peter defended. You took a seat on his bed and shrugged.

“You don’t have to explain anything to me Peter. I just didn’t know you were a loser, is all.”You said simply. Peter sat down on the bed next to you and rolled his eyes.

“Very funny. You’re the funniest person I know.” He said sarcastically. You nudged him with your elbow and he and hit you with a Yoda printed pillow.

“Mm. Good with the force you are.” You commented. Peter groaned loudly and told you to shut up.

“Enough playing around. How was your date?” Peter asked as he turned to face you. You could hear the pain in his voice and regretted ever telling him about the date.

“Oh, you know.” You shrugged. “Terrible.”

You weren’t going to let him off the hook that easy. If Peter really did like you and want to be with you, he needed to say it. He couldn’t just grumble and wallow in self pity when you were with another boy. You wanted to test him to see if he’d ever actually admit his feelings, but a part of you was still scared there were no feelings to admit to.

“Really?” He said excitedly. He cleared his throat to cover it up and grunted. “I mean, really?” He asked calmly.

“Yeah it was awful. I definitely won’t be seeing him again.” You sighed sadly, but you weren’t actually sad. You were just putting on a show for Peter. Peter bit the inside of his cheek to stop the smile from emerging.

“That’s terrible.” Peter lied. “What went wrong?”

His acting was equally as bad as your own. He had a shit eating grin on his face, pretending to be sad when he was clearly over the moon.

“It was going fine all night until the kiss.” You sighed dramatically, looking longingly out the window. You might as well have thrown yourself onto the balcony and cried out for Romeo. Peter, however, was buying every second of it.

“You guys kissed?” He asked, his voice heavy with disappointment. He looked miserable. All you wanted to do was throw your arms around his neck and tell him he was the only one for you. Instead, you kept your feelings to yourself and nodded slowly.

“Almost. He leaned in and…” instead of finishing your sentence, you just shrugged. You could tell Peter was on the edge of his seat so you dragged it as long as you could.

“And?” Peter practically begged. You let out another long, dramatic sigh as Peter took a slow sip of his water bottle.

“And I threw up on him.” You said simply. Peter spat out the water in his mouth and burst out laughing, doing his best to cover it up. You gave him a fake angry look but ended up laughing as well.

“What?” Peter laughed.

“He was such a tool.” You whined. “He talked down to me the entire night and then had the audacity to try and kiss me. I don’t know what happened but all the sudden he was leaning in and I was throwing up. He deserved it though. He treated me like was an idiot. I’m almost glad I threw up on him.”

Peters was overjoyed. He was about to say something when we heard a straggled cry of your name.

You and Peter rushed to his peephole and saw a familiar blonde haired boy standing in the hallway.

There he was, Matt, outside your apartment door with his phone on full volume playing “Hungry Eyes” from Dirty Dancing.

“What the actual hell?” You wondered out loud. “I better get rid of him.”

“Y/nnnnnn. I’m sorry I was a jerk.” Matt slurred. “Please talk to me. I told the doorman we were cousins. Then I told the elevator guy that I was your husband. You may need to move now. Y/nnnn.”

“You definitely can’t go out there.” Peter shook his head. “He could have a knife.”

“Or worse.” You whispered, making Peter looked at you fearfully. “He could have the same loser bedsheets you do.”

Peter scrunched his nose at you and picked up you swiftly to threw you onto the couch.

“Since when are you so strong?” You laughed in shock. Peter shrugged and held out a hand.

“Let’s go to bed.” He said. You raised an eyebrow and he quickly added, “In a non-sexual, platonic way.”

He was always so cautious of offending you or making you uncomfortable. You appreciated how much of a gentleman he was and knew Aunt May had implemented those qualities in him.

“You can take the bed.” He offered. “I’ll sleep on the couch. Let me know if you need anything.”

You nodded and climbed into his bed, patting the the space next to you.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” You told him. “Get in.”

Peter looked at you with wide eyes, looking very unsure of himself as he toyed with the hem of his shirt.

He was torn. He wanted to get into the bed, but he also knew you were vulnerable right now and he didn’t want to take advantage of you. He didn’t want to do anything you’d end up regretting in the morning.

“Get in, in a non-sexual, platonic way.” You added. Peter relaxed but stayed standing. You pretended to splash Peter and twirled your hand around the bedsheets as if they were water.

“Come on in Parker. The waters warm.” You said in a low voice.

“I am…repulsed.” Peter deadpanned. In reality, he was dying to get in the bed. He wasn’t gonna try anything, he just wanted to feel you close. He wanted to comfort you and take the pain of the night away. Finally, he got into the bed and pulled the covers up. He shut off his lamp and we fell into comfortable silence.

“Good night, Peter.” You whispered, turning your back to him and cuddling into his pillow.

“Night, Y/n.” He whispered back. You felt his eyes on the back of your neck still. He didn’t want to close them and fall asleep. He wanted to stay in this moment as long as he could.

You soon felt hesitant arms wrap around your waist. Peter was very unsure of himself and kept his hands loosely on your hips, barely touching. You turned your neck around and looked at him quizzically.

“What the hell are you doing?” You demanded. His hands flew off your waist and his eyes widened with fear. He looked so apologetic, you thought he might cry.

“Do you not know how to cuddle?” You asked before he could blurt out an apology. You grabbed his arms and pulled them tightly around your body. You held his hands in your own, flush against your chest. Peter felt really tense at first and a bit stiff, but he soon relaxed and nestled into your hair.

“You smell really good.” He muttered. You laughed softly against his body, prompting Peter to hold you even tighter.

“I’ve wanted this for so long, Y/N.” He whispered. He said it so quietly, you figured he thought you had fallen asleep. “Sweet dreams.”

You woke up the next morning in Peter Parker’s arms. Subsequently, you wanted to wake up every morning for the rest of your life in Peter Parker’s arms. You were a mess of tangled limbs and hair but you found yourself firmly in his embrace, inhaling his cologne.

Peters eyes fluttered open suddenly and you were nose to nose.

“Hi.” You said softly, a playful smile resting on your lips. He was so pretty in the morning. He didn’t even have to try.

“Hey.” He chuckled. “This is new.”

“It is new. Is it okay?” You asked him, not wanting to overstep his boundaries.

“Is waking up next to the actual sun okay?” He teased. “Uh yea, Y/n. It’s okay. You can sleep over anytime you like if it means more mornings like this.”

Of course he said that. He held all your strings and knew just how to tug them.

“Did you really not enjoy that date?” He whispered, but in his head thought, “Do you want to be with anyone else?”

You didn’t know why he was whispering, but the look in his eyes told you he was dead serious.

“Not in the slightest.” You answered honestly. What you wanted to say was, “Because it wasn’t with you.”, but you didn’t.

“Would you…would you want to go out with me sometime?” He asked shyly. “I promise I won’t throw up on you.”

He said the second part as if it was the only way you’d say yes to the date, which made you laugh.

“Peter Parker, I have waited exactly 64 days for you to ask me that question and you just had to ruin it by promising you won’t throw up on me?” You playfully scolded as Peters eyes lit up.

“Is that a yes?” He asked excitedly.

“It’s a yes.” You nodded, holding his nearest hand. “It’s always been a yes.”

“Can I-“ He began.

“Don’t ask.” You whispered. “Just do it.”

Peter leaned in slowly and you did the same. His lips had just ghosted yours when Aunt May knocked on the door. He bolted out of bed as you sat up.

“Breakfast is ready. Did you clean your room?” Aunt May called from the other side of the door.

“Yes.” Peter called back. You looked around. No he didn’t

“No you didn’t.” She said knowingly. She didn’t even have to see his room to know it wasn’t clean.

“I’ll clean it after.” He groaned.

“I’m coming in.” She said suddenly, making you and Peter look at each other in fear.

“Don’t! I’m naked.” He screamed.

“Fine. But it better be clean after breakfast. And put some clothes on. You should not be naked at 7 am.” Aunt May said. You heard her footsteps walking away and knew it was safe to speak. You got out of Peters bed as he got up to lock the door, his back still to you as he did it.

“Alright.” He sighed. “That should buy us some ti-“

The second he turned around, he was met with your lips on his. You had your hands on the sides of his face and your head tilted to the left. You felt Peters eyes flutter shut as his eyelashes tickled your cheeks. He was frozen at first, but slowly wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you closer. You melted into him and he melted right back into you. The kiss was short and sweet, but absolutely perfect.

When you pulled away, Peter gave you the softest eyes ever. A grateful smile was on his lips.

“I am so over these interrupted moments.” You laughed softly as you shook your head. Peters eyes twinkled in agreement. The sun was coming through the window and made his brown eyes look like pots of honey. You could stare at them forever.

And then he kissed you again, with confidence this time. He wasn’t ready for the last one since you caught him off guard. You let your fingers tangle in the messy curls at the back of his neck, something you thought you’d only get to dream of doing. Peter groaned slightly into your mouth as you tugged on his hair, indicating that he liked it. He put his hand under your neck and slipped his toungue in your mouth. Who knew Peter Parker knew how to kiss? He tasted like morning breath, spearmint chapstick, and something you could only identify as being exclusively Peter. When you pulled apart, he looked up at the sky and sighed.

“If I wake up and this is all a dream I’m going to fight you.” He said menacingly.

“Did you just threaten God?” You laughed.

“For you? Anthing. I’ll fight anyone for your honor. Our Lord and Savior can catch these hands can square up.” He promised.

“You’ve gone to far.” You joked. “We need to break up.”

“Don’t even joke. I’ve waited too long for this.” Peter said as he wrapped his arms around you.

“I’m only teasing. I’ve waited my whole life for you Parker. I’m never letting you go.” You told him. He burst out in a smile and kissed you swiftly, then promptly got down on one knee.

“Will you please be mine, darling? Officially?” He pleaded softly. There was so much hope in his eyes so you pretended to think about it.

“Sorry.” You shrugged. “I’m pretty busy with Matt.”

Peter stood up and gripped your hips, pulling you closer while you let out a small gasp.

“I never want to hear his name again. He had the privilege of taking my girl on a date and treated her poorly?” He raised an eyebrow. “He’s a deadman if I ever see him around here. Now, I need you to tell me you’re my girlfriend before my heart explodes. Tell me you’re mine. I won’t believe it until you say it. ”

You nodded yes as you wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed his lips.

“Peter Parker, I always have, and always will be, yours.”

#peter parker x reader #peter parker x y/n #peter parker x you #peter parker fanfiction #peter parker imagine #peter parker x venom!reader #venom!reader #tom holland x reader #tom holland x you #iron man #tom holland fluff #tom holland fanfiction

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thick-person-chronicals · 3 years

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Lately I’ve been really heart broken over the fact that I was never anyone’s first thought, I was always the last. This goes for parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, teachers, etc. I was never thought about. So, here’s a list of things that has fucked me up so I can vent and relieve some stress.

Shit my mom has said and done (I’m no contact with her for two months now):

• growing up she’d play WOW all day and wouldn’t get up for anything, INCLUDING feeding me and my siblings, taking us to school, helping me bathe (I was really young), taking the dog out (none of us kids were strong enough to take him), so he legit shit all over her room, and living room and never cleaned it up. Her room was literally covered in shit for 2 years. We were evicted because neither of my parents would work, and the house was deemed a biohazard and was tore down.

• wouldn’t allow me to see or contact my dad after kicking me out, told me he just didn’t want to, that he didn’t love me enough to visit. When she finally let him pick me up and hang out with me for a day, my dad came to take me to a birthday, his female friend was in the passenger seat, I was in the car (9y/o), she saw the woman and pulled me out of the car through the driver window because she was jealous and kept asking my dad to be with her again. I was bruised and bawling. When he left she started screaming at me to stop crying, and went inside without me.

• she started starving me, because I was over weight naturally. She’d force me to work out with her, wouldn’t let me eat unless it was a meal and even then she gave me the smallest portions. Her bf started starving me too, cause whenever she was asleep or at work I would get a snack and he wouldn’t let me eat when she couldn’t stop me. She’d shame me for eating, because I began to binge eat.

• my dad started going to my school to see me and gave me a phone to talk to him with. I told him about her drug use and how she’d beat my older brothers. I went to the police station so they’d let me live with my dad. Instead the cop drove me back home and told her what I said. The second he left, she started screaming at me, “fine, you wanna see your dad so bad?? You got your wish, you won.” And went upstairs and got high. Instead of seeing him, we moved to a different town and changed schools so ‘my dad wouldn’t find me’. She brainwashed me to believe my dad didn’t love me and he busted wanted to hurt my mom using me.

TW/SH

• I was extremely depressed, and people on the internet told me that cutting helped for them. I tried it, and began cutting every night in the shower after my mom went to work. One day I was wearing shorts, sitting in the living room talking to my brother. She walked in, saw them peaking out from my shorts, gasped, didn’t say anything and was visibly angry. She took a picture, and it was never brought up again. She didn’t talk to anyone, get me a therapist, nothing.

• when my oldest brother came to our mom and confessed to her that he was depressed, she then talked shit (like she usually does) about him to me and our other siblings. She said to me, “He has no reason to be depressed. I did good at raising him, he needs to get over it.” She said this to me, and smirked at me cause she knew I was self harming. My cutting got worse after that.

TW/Su!c!de

• at some point, I attempted suicide in middle school and got scared. I stopped the bleeding, and knew I was at my lowest. At the time, I didn’t know school counselors were mandated reports, so two days after I attempted I told the counselor. She called my mom to come to the school and told her what happened. We walked to the nurses office so they could see the damage and the nurse counted over 100 cuts from the day before. I laid on a bed and watch GMM on my phone. They always made me feel better, I giggled while she walked in and she said “well you’re not upset anymore, you’re fucking laughing.” The nurses stopped talking, and just stared at her. She was dead silent after that and took me home. On the way home she said to me, “you’re embarrassing. You embarrassed me. Now they think I’m a bad mother.” When we got inside she made me show her my cuts and got even more angry and I hid in my room for the rest of the day while she called her friends and talked shit about me (yes I could hear her. She talked shit about me and my siblings all the time on the phone).

• the next day she took me to a hospital to get referred to a psychiatrist because the school counselor demanded it. I knew this was my only chance at getting help so I told a nurse that I needed to be admitted. They understood and admitted me. This took a long time. My mom was absolutely pissed that I was being admitted and asked them not to but they told her I needed to be place on suicide watch. At some point I was trying to sleep while I was being admitted, and nurse came by to check in on us. My mom thought I was sleeping, and told the nurse that I “was just an attention seeking whore.” I don’t even remember how I reacted but she knows I heard her because she told my brother that she “feels sorry for saying it,” but has never once apologized to me for it.

I could keep going, but this would be an essay at that point. The next time I add to this I’ll try to add more. Thank you for listening 💜

#starve #ana #not pro just use hashtags #sh #self harm #TW SH #SH TW #narc mom #abusive mom #dear diary

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re1d · 4 years

Text

different lifetime | spencer reid

→ summary: “only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love.” - george elio → warnings: maeve’s death, graphic descriptions of murder, mentions of depression and drug use, basically major angst but a fluff ending → word count: 4.4k (ouchie mama she’s a slow burn) → a/n: based on no.74 from the prompt list ; “let go.” “i can’t.” // cassandra stop making spencer cry in her stories challenge : FAILED // also this is my first time using time skips n i kinda dont like it :[[ i hope u guys enjoy it tho !!

Books are ripped from his shelves, and Spencer can’t see straight. Papers fly around him as he relishes in the feeling of the pages cutting into the skin of his fingers. Blood forms and begins to drip, but he can’t bring himself to clean it up. His mom would’ve chastized him in that moment for damaging the worlds with his reckless touch. However, his whole world had just been destroyed as well. Pictures of Maeve traipse through his brain at an agonizingly slow pace; they mock him and wait for him to snap. And, he feels as though it’s finally time to do so.

Spencer screeches into the silence of his apartment, undoubtedly waking up his neighbors and possibly even alerting the police. He tears through his hair with bloodcrusted hands and debates on wrenching it out from the roots. Sitting on the floor in a puddle of sorrow and anguish, Spencer sobs. It’s the first time in his life that he’s been so consumed with grief and guilt that he can’t even muster the strength to stand. He merely clutches The Narritive of John Smith to his chest and continues to fall apart.

As tears run down his cheeks, he denies everything that happened in the last few hours. Maeve is still going to meet him after work next Wednesday.You didn’t cover him with your FBI jacket after she was shot. The blood that poured from the gunshot wound in her head was fake. It was a joke—a painful, stupid, not-at-all funny joke. Tomorrow, he would enter the office, ride the elevator up, and make casual conversation with all of his work friends. Thoughts race through his mind, and he finds himself laughing. Laughing. A voice in the back of his head tells him that he’s in shock, that he’s not well. Another voice tells him that he’ll never be well.

He doesn’t know who to believe.

A rhythmic knock on his door sounds, and Spencer pretends not to hear it. He knows it’s you. Part of him is screaming to let you in, telling him to accept the comfort you’ve come to give him. But, he decides he isn’t ready. Not yet. So, you decide to wait. For Spencer, you’d wait until time itself no longer existed.

Night approaches faster than you think. The sun is a paintbrush as it dips into the horizon and paints one of the most beautiful sunsets you’ve ever seen. It’s merely a passing thought, but you hope Spencer wills himself to see the pleasant combination of warm oranges and deep reds that are smoothed across the dusk sky. Glancing down at your watch, you read the tiny numbers with tired eyes—8:02PM—and, that’s when you realize you’ve been sitting for so long that your butt has gone numb. You register the pins and needles beginning to poke at your backside, but you make no move to stand or to leave. All you do is lean back, your head thumping gently against Spencer’s door while closing your eyes.

Spencer has no knowledge of the countless baskets of goodies from Garcia or the small notes that JJ has left behind after her short visits come to a close. He doesn’t even know that you’re still outside of his apartment. He knows nothing but the monotonous whir of his air conditioning and the smell of Thai food coming from his living room. Spencer tries to focus on anything but Maeve, but his mind is scattered, fragmented. He grows frustrated at the fact that his thoughts are moving too fast to collect. Blood. Bodies. Sweat. Tears. The feeling of your hands on his shoulders. Normally, Spencer is excellent at compartmentalizing trauma, but not this time. Not when his first true love had been so unfairly stolen from him.

Rage simmers inside of him as the clock strikes twelve. He clenches his fists, resisting the overwhelming urge to scream once more. Instead, he palms for the book nearest to him. With his original, hard cover, full-Russian version of War and Peace in his hand, he swings his arm as hard as he can at his door. Specks of dust fall from the frame at the impact, and a chip is now visible in both the book and the wood. Spencer hears a small yelp from the other side, and finally, something other than grief overtakes him. Confusion and anxiety course through him as he forces himself to stand, grabbing a kitchen knife before launching his door open.

You topple over, crushing his toes under the full weight of your upper body. Profanities are exchanged as your stare flicks nervously between his face and the butcher knife in his grasp.

“[Y/N]?! What are you still doing here?!” He means to sound angry, but the rasp in his voice does the emotion no justice. The weakness in his words is easily detected, and you find yourself studying his features from the ground. You’re profiling him, but you can’t help it. His shoulders are hunched, his five o’clock shadow has turned to six, and his eyes dart cautiously around your face. It’s as if he’s making sure you don’t see the torture his own mind is subjecting his body to.

“Well,” you begin, tone gentle, “I came to see you, but you didn’t open the door. So, I thought that I would wait you out, you know? Just to make sure that if you needed someone to talk to, that I would be there—ready to listen.”

Spencer’s expression is blank, his eyes having stopped their search a long time ago. “How would you have stayed? You have work, [Y/N]. Work that we both know doesn’t stop for time to mourn.” There’s bitter vitriol in his words; he can’t bring himself to care about how they effect you for the time being. But, you don’t mind. It’s only natural. Finally pushing yourself up from the floor, you stare through him and have to fight the need to place a hand on his shoulder, to try to connect with him. The two of you are still separated by the threshold of his door, but it feels as though the Grand Canyon itself is in between.

“Spencer, I can’t even begin to fathom what you’re going through, but—.”

“No,” his retort is clipped, “you can’t. Goodbye, [Y/N].” The door is slammed once again, leaving you stunned to to silence. Sure, you had expected Spencer to be different, but nothing like that. Torrents of rain pound against the roof of his building as dread flows steadily through you at the thought of having to step into it. Nonetheless, you collect your things and head into the office hoping to distract yourself until you’re really supposed to be in for work. The time is 12:54AM, and as you attempt to hail a taxi in the storm, a chill travels down your spine. It’s hard to tell what caused it—the thought of leaving Spencer alone or the copious amounts of coffee you will inevitably be consuming later today.

────

Eight o’clock rolls around quicker than you hope. From the corner of your eye, you spot Penelope and JJ walking in together, their normally bright faces marred with concern. Eventually, the clicking of their heels comes to a halt in front of your desk. JJ takes a seat on top of the files you’re working, moving your recently emptied mug out of the way with a tight smile. Garcia’s crosses her arms with a hmph as she stares down at you. Neither of the women are hostile—it’s moreso agressive curiosity.

“So, [Y/N] ...” JJ’s voice trails off a bit, “You saw Spence?” The nature of the question is pure. Worry is evident in her words, but as you try to answer, nothing comes from your mouth.

Garcia cups your face in her hands, squeezing your cheeks to the point of discomfort. “[Y/N]. All we wanna know is that he’s okay?” She declares, “If you perhaps could comfirm if he has gotten my muffin basket, that would also be nice—but, Boy Wonder’s safety is always first!” The chipper mask she uses to hide the pain is crumbling away, and it’s easy to see.

“Honestly, guys ... He doesn’t look good. Spencer—he, uh, his apartment is a mess, like, books everywhere, three day old Thai food in the living room. I’m worried about him—and, Garcia, he hasn’t touched anything outside his door. It’s kinda like he’s trying to fight reality.” Your explanation is obviously hard for the two women to listen to. JJ’s face is turned down, her bottom lip tucked in between her teeth. Penelope’s colorful appearance seems to dim as words continue to fall from your mouth. She gapes, evidently trying to come up with something to say, but her phone chimes.

“Jeez,” Penelope drags in a sharp intake of air, “this is a bad one. Hotch wants us in the conference room ASAP.”

Sitting around the round table, you take in the information about the case. Two people, a man and a woman, bore holes in the insides of their thighs, exsanguinated. But, there is no other chatter, no normal banter, no tossing around ideas. Only silence, and you feel as though you’re falling. Once you stand, your knees wobble and your hands shoot out to grab JJ’s shoulders. Her presence itself is an ocean of calm as she works to steady you.

“[Y/N] ... maybe you should stay with Garcia on this one? I’m sure she could use the company.” Although not forceful, JJ’s words are more of a command than anything, but you make the executive decision to dismiss them with a shake of your head. As you walk up the stairs leading to the jet, your stomach churns with the intensity of a thousand tigers.

The absolute quietude on the plane is staggering, and until Garcia’s digitalized face appears on the screen, no one dares to say a word. She briefs everyone that another body has been discovered, and Hotch moves directly onto assignments. “[Y/N] and Morgan, go to the ME and see if the blood results have come back, yet. Blake and Dave, head to the newest crime scene. JJ and I will start working with the local PD.”

As you stare out at the clouds, you wish so desperately to be one of them. Oh, to be a big ball of water and ice crystals and not have a care in the world. The sun reflects off of the white, and when you turn away from the window, you can just barely see Morgan’s form sitting in the leather seat across from you. A pensive frown is present on his lips, his eyes tracing your body, looking for something to tip him off as to what you’re feeling.

Eventually, he finds that he can’t pick you apart. It seems as though each layer he tears through, another is waiting to conceal the truth. “Alright, kid,” he starts, a light air of humor in his voice, “I’ll bite. What’re you thinkin’ about so hard over here?” To be completely honest, you’re positive that he already knows the answer.

“Spence.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah.”

Morgan crosses his arms in front of his chest. It’s a tic; he does it when he’s upset. You watch him as he racks his brain for something to change the subject to, but the sigh he omits is a signal that he’s going to try to talk to you about him. Alarm bells shriek in your head, and the sound is deafening. You force yourself to resist the urge to cover your ears, knowing that it wouldn’t do anything.

“So, kid. Even though you’re pretty good at hiding it, you need to tell me what you’re really thinking, okay? I know you saw Reid, but that’s not what I wanna know about. Something else is buggin’ you—I can tell.” He’s beating you up with each word. A punch to the gut, a kick to the face, an elbow to the side—it’s relentless. He knows something is wrong, but you can’t tell him that you’ve been in love Spencer since the third month working at the BAU. It’ll ruin you—not your reputation or your future—it’ll ruin you. Your mind, your body, your heart. Even though you ache to tell just one person, your mouth won’t let you. But, your heart seems to win the fight.

“Derek, I—,” you pause, your voice giving out, “I’m in love with him. I’ve been in love with him. And now, I don’t know what to do.” Your colleague searches for words, but he can’t bring himself to say anything. He merely stares, his mouth a thin line. Discomfort settles in the space between the two of you, its thickness is probably felt by the rest of the team on the plane. You catch JJ’s glances at the both of you, but they go unacknowledged.

────

Spencer goes through the third stage of grief alone. Bargaining. The stage where he’s in grave need to talk to someone, he is only himself. His hands shake as he pours a cup of coffee, attempting to use the caffeine to stay awake. As the sun rises, a thought in the back of his mind sounds. It tells him that he’s been wearing the same clothes for the past four days. His sweat, blood, and tears have collected on the fabric, and even still, he doesn’t care.

The only thing he’s aware of is the fact that if he wouldn’t have tried to meet Maeve, she would still be alive. He curses Blake and his innate curiosity, and he curses the fact that his first words to her were, “I don’t love you. Sorry.” He curses the feeling of your jacket over his shoulders and the immense okayness that it brought to him, even while staring at Maeve’s body splayed in front of him.

Looking around at each book on the floor of his apartment, they somehow remind him of her. Some made him want to remember her happily, others made him want to vomit up his heart and cut it into a thousand pieces. If he had only said the right thing, maybe she would still be alive. Maybe they would’ve held each other tight and moved on. Maybe they would’ve gone out for three or four years, and then maybe she would’ve gotten pregnant. Maybe there would’ve been a miniature version of him with Maeve’s smile and his eyes. Maybe he would’ve been happy.

Spencer spits up bile into his kitchen sink. Happy? He’s not even sure he knows the meaning of the word anymore. Grabbing the handle of his coffee pot, he pours and pours until the scalding hot liquid burns through his mismatched socks. Wordlessly, tears brim in his eyes. Reaching down, he plucks off the soaked fabric and merely stands at the counter, staring down into the seemingly endless mug.

His phone chirps and effectively pulls him from his trance. Although there’s plenty of time to walk over and answer it, Spencer just reads Morgan’s caller ID and lets it ring. It goes to voicemail and immediately Morgan’s words fill the empty air.

“Hey, Reid, it's Derek. Listen, I got a work question for you. The unsub's exsanguinating victims and removing their eyelids antemortem. Does that mean anything to you? Hit me back.”

Ideas are weaving in and out of the genius’ head. Trudging over to his couch, he presses the call button and waits for Morgan to pick up. It takes less than two rings before the line clicks and he’s in the presence of someone else for a change. Spencer sits in silence, not speaking until spoken to. He feels like a kid, but truthfully, he doesn’t have enough energy to say more than he needs to.

“Hey kid, you’ve got me and [Y/N].”

“Hi, Spencer.”

The sound of your voice is a drive taken at the dead of night where all you can hear is nature. It’s a thousand waves of calm. Instead of giving you both an answer, Spencer revels in the small greeting. Maybe if things were different, he would’ve fallen in love with you first.

He opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out at first. He debates on slamming the phone back into the receiver, but decides against it. “Have the cornea or pupils been harmed in any way?” Morgan says no. “If he's taking care not to damage the eyes, then line of sight is probably what's important to him.”

“So this guy wants them to see what he’s doing.” Morgan pauses and the whole line goes quiet. Spencer yearns to hear your voice just once more before he hangs up. And, by the grace of a seemingly wrathful God, he does. But, it’s not exactly a question he’s prepared to answer.

“Hey, Spencer ...” You trail off. It appears as though you’re thinking through your next words, but you settle on a simple inquiry. “How are you?”

“I gotta go,” Spencer replies.

The line goes dead.

────

The case ends up being solved with the help of your Boy Wonder. However, as you board the plane alongside him, it’s obvious that he doesn’t feel very wondrous. Plopping down into the seat across from him—similar to what Derek had done—you shoot him a tender grin. JJ’s shoulder rests above your head, and Morgan stands, taking up the whole aisle.

“So,” JJ begins, “I counted—what—five baskets?”

“Seven, but I think Ms. Cavanaugh next door may have taken a couple.” Her laughter mixes with yours in a melody that brightens the atmosphere in the jet. Morgan snickers in the background, but all Spencer is focused on is your smile. A pang of warmth spreads through him for the first time in a long time, even though a frown is turning his lips down. JJ and Morgan eventually migrate to their respective spots—JJ on the couch ans Morgan with his head against the wall and his earbuds plugged into his ears.

You pick up on the scowl on his features and pat the table to attract his attention. He meets your gentle gaze with hesitant eyes. “Why the long face, Doc?” It’s supposed to be a joke, but he can’t even force out a laugh. Spencer succumbs to the monster that guilt presents itself as, cupping his cheeks and pulling down on his face. He tries to rid himself of the grime, the dirt, he feels on his body, but he doesn’t think it’ll ever go away.

“I dunno,” he slurs through exhaustion, “I was just thinking about how I acted when you came over, and I-I guess ... I just wanted to apolog—.”

“Spencer.” The severity in your tone shakes him to the core. His eyes widen as his mouth comes to a close. “Don’t apologize to me. You’re grieving, it’s only natural that you’d be angry. It was forgotten after it happened, okay? I promise you—we’re good.” There’s something you want to add, and Spencer can practically feel the words itching to come out. “And, Spence? If you need anything—anything at all—please, just ask. Please.”

His mind wanders back to his messy apartment, and he ponders the thought of asking you to help him clean. His mouth moves on autopilot, speaking before he even knew what to say. “Actually, if you don’t mind, I could use some help with something.”

“Of course. Name it, Spencer.”

When the wheels hit the ground, you and Spencer sit and wait for everyone else to clear out of the jet. Morgan and JJ squeeze his shoulder on the way out, and Blake shoots him a motherly smile. The sorrow in her eyes is blatant, but it travels to the back of your mind as soon as she passes. Standing up, you gesture in front of you, allowing Spencer an exit before you head down the stairs. He offers you a ghost of a grin, and it makes your heart bound in your chest. You didn’t remember signing up to run a marathon after this case.

The short stroll to Spencer’s Volvo in spent in a surprisingly comfortable silence. It is full of shy glances and small smiles, and you can practically feel yourself falling for him all over again. Climbing into his car, you turn on the radio to a classical station. Chopin’s Nocturne in E Flat Major plays at a low volume, causing you to close your eyes and lean back against the headrest. The old car hums to life, igniting a sense of nostalgia deep in your soul. The drive to his apartment passes by in what feels like seconds, and he takes the keys and moves to open your door.

Giggling, you step out of his antique. The gravel crunches against the bottoms of your boots as you walk next to him up to his door. “So, this is the elusive Dr. Spencer Reid’s humble abode?” There’s a lighthearted teasing in your voice, “It’s cute. I like it. What d’you need me to do?” He cocks an eyebrow, looking around at the books scattered across his floor and he wonders how someone could find beauty in this. And then, he realizes that he’s standing next to you—Penelope Garcia’s closest confidant—and another question replaces it. Was there anything you couldn’t find beauty in?

“Well .... we should probably start with the books, and then, we can move on to the Thai food.” A grimace appears on his face and you laugh at the way it scrunches, “And, after that, we can talk.” The statement is more of a question, but it still makes you unbelievably jittery.

With a nod, you bend down to pick up story after story, every so often becoming enchanted by the bindings that surrounded the little worlds. Spencer crouches and pulls out a vinyl, placing it on the record player and lowering the needle. Once more, Chopin’s Nocturne in E Flat Major fills the air, the static of the record scratching every once in a while. “I noticed that you liked it in the car,” he murmurs, “I’m more of a Waltz in A Minor type of guy, but Nocturne in E Flat Major Op. 9 No. 2 is always a good pick.”

“I just love Chopin, to be honest,” you say, picking up the copy of War and Peace sitting at the threshold of his door, “his pieces are all good, really. They’re all great creating pieces, you know? Like, I could just sit, listen to them, and make up stories in my head for days.”

You’re making up one right now. It’s a sunny day, as opposed to the inky blackness outside his apartment window, and you and Spencer are walking down an ambiguous dirt path. Woods surround you as well as sounds of nature, birds sing and branches snap under your feet. There is no air of danger, and all you can feel is the warm pressure of Spencer’s hand in yours. A cool breeze kisses your cheeks, forcing you to stop and take it in. Spencer comes to a halt, his gaze shifting to you. Smiling, you both move towards each other like plants to the sun. Captivation, charm, magnetism. It’s inevitable, like the meteor that destroyed the first inhabitants of earth so long ago. You move closer and closer to one another; it feels as though you’re floating, you’re gravitating towards him—.

“You know, if you’re that fascinated by East of Eden, you could borrow it,” Spencer’s weak teasing breaks you from your reverie, and you realize you’ve been staring at the front cover for over five minutes.

“Ah, uh, no thanks. Reading Of Mice and Men in high school was enough John Steinbeck for me. Personally, I think he drones on and on about things for too long,” you grin while shelving the book. He hums an acknowledgement and picks up a paper container full of week old pad thai, the smell forcing his head in the other direction.

Soon enough, there are only four, thick novels left, and you two are standing side by side at the bookshelf. You gawk at the number of collections and volumes that reside on the freshly dusted wooden panels, eyes wide. Spencer has one hard cover in his hands. It’s in pristine condition, the white of the jacket glaring at you with a vindictiveness that only the dead can muster. Maeve’s memory is held in between his palms, and it becomes hard to watch him struggle with the thought of having to put it away.

“Spencer ...” Your voice is feathery as it rides on the heavy air, “Let go.”

The words are broken as they fall from his mouth. Tears drip gently onto the glossy cover, and it seems as though The Narritive of John Smith is crying along with him. “I can’t.” A sharp pain pierces your entire being. Seeing him so vulnerable, so fractured, is agonizing. He cries over the story, repeating the tale of his whirlwind romance over and over again in his head. Reaching out, you urge his hands towards the only remaining space on the shelf. The book slips in effortlessly, and Spencer collapses to his knees in front of it. His hands are limp by his sides and his head hangs low between his rounded shoulders.

You lower yourself to meet his figure on the ground. He doesn’t move, his spirit completely dulled. As you ghost your hands over his back, he leans into your touch. After depriving himself of physical contact for so long, he wallows in the feeling of your fingers rubbing soft patterns into his skin. Spencer allows himself to sink into your embrace, inhaling the sweet combination of vanilla and jasmine.

For some time, Spencer cries into your chest. He apologizes through his sobs for the darkening spot on your work shirt, but you quiet him each time with a shake of your head. The atmosphere in his apartment lightens to the point of comfort as you do nothing but hold him. It’s poetic, really—something that you’d listen to a Chopin piece to.

“In a different lifetime,” Spencer’s hoarse whisper is barely audible over the quiet buzz of his air conditioning, “I would’ve fallen in love with you first.”

You contemplate his statement, mulling it over in your mind with a giddy optimism not quite suitable for the situation. He can tell you’re thinking over his words, but he doesn’t comment on the length of time you spend with them. A significant amount of time passes before you offer him a small nod that he feels when your chin collides with the top of his head. Smoothing a hand down his curls that are already slicked with grease, you open your mouth to speak.

“It’s okay, Spencer,” you murmur, hugging him closer, “I’ll be waiting. Always.”

#mine #spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid angst #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction

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oboevallis · 3 years

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the diary pt 2

it’s been a hot minute, especially for this series, sorry about that, i hope everyone’s doing well and staying safe!

part 1

TW: DEPRESSION, HOPELESSNESS, SH SCARS

please reach out, my dms are open

“You don’t need to follow me around. I’m not gonna throw myself out the window.” Addie rolled her eyes at her mother as she entered her bedroom for the first time in a week.

“I know,” Amelia cringed at her daughter's words, flipping on the light switch. “just helping you get settled in.”

“You’ve been through my room.” The girl bluntly said as she looked around her room.

“We just wanted you to come home to a clean and organized space.” Amelia defended; while her daughter was at the hospital, she spent most of the time in this room, beating herself up for not realizing what her daughter was going through. Unsure of what to do with her nervous energy, she cleaned up the empty bottles and dirty dishes, then washed the pile of dirty clothes, and organized the accumulation of stuff on the floor.

“Well, I liked it how it was.”

“Babe, come on. It was practically unlivable.”

“Wow, look at that.” Addie pointed to the desk that she hadn’t been able to see in months. “You took away my scissors; I can’t even be trusted with a fucking pair of scissors.”

“Addie..” Amelia sighed, trying to pull herself together.

“Get out! Just get out.” The girl sobbed, launching herself on her bed.

“Amelia, are you okay?” Link had been standing outside the door listening to the exchange when his wife made her way out of the room.

“Do I look okay?”

“This is gonna take time. She’s not going to be cured overnight. Recovery is a long process.”

“I know.” The woman nodded as tears stung in her eyes. “I just want to go back to when she was happy and so full of life.”

“Me too.” Link sighed, pulling his wife into a hug. “Me too.”

________________________________________

“Hey champ, we’re all gonna watch a movie. Why don’t you come down? We’re gonna have popcorn; it’s going to be extra buttery.” Link stuck his head through his daughter's door, energetically tapping his fingers on the door frame.

“No thanks,” Addie grumbled, throwing and catching a rubber band ball against her ceiling.

“Come on, it’s gonna be awful, and we’re gonna make fun of it the whole time.” The father tried to persuade, knowing it was one of the things that got his daughter laughing till she hurt.

“No thanks.”

“Do you wanna talk?” Link stepped further into the room and sat at the foot of his daughter's bed.

“No thanks.”

“Champ, you can’t keep everything bottled up.”

“I don’t want to fucking talk! I’m done talking; why can’t everyone just leave me the hell alone?” Addison jumped up from her bed and opened the door for her father. He internally cringed. It was the first time he saw the scars on her legs. Reluctantly he got up and left the room, trying to keep himself together.

“Addie isn’t gonna watch with us?” Anders sighed; he was walking out of his bedroom as he heard the yelling.

“She just needs a little time.” Link mustered up a smile. “She’ll be back to laughing with us in no time. Now let’s go down and watch something with the others.”

“No luck, huh?” The mother turned around on the couch to see the pair walking down the stairs together.

“It’s her first night back; she just needs to readjust.” The optimistic side of Link shone through.

“Why is she still acting like this? She’s being a complete bitch, yelling at everyone. Wasn’t the whole point of the hospital to make her feel better?” Scout asked as the others settled down into the couch.

“First off, don’t call your sister a bitch. But the hospital visit wasn’t to cure her; it was to stabilize her enough to come home.” The mother explained to her other children.

“Well, when will she be cured?” The youngest Shepherd-Lincoln asked, making his two parents feel like they were just stabbed in the heart.

“It’s something that she’ll always have, but eventually, she’ll feel better and learn how to live with it and still be healthy and happy.” Link explained, stepping in for his wife, who was on the verge of tears. “Now, how about we degrade actors and special effects for our amusement?”

________________________________________

Amelia gently knocked on her daughter’s door, and once she heard a mumble of approval, she let herself in.

“Wow, you’ve already finished that book?” She pointed to the one on the floor that was tossed aside, indicating it had been read. “That was like 800 pages, and you just started it; I’ve gotta say I’m impressed.”

“What do you want?”

“You’ve gotta take your pill.” She placed the pill that was in her hand onto her daughter's nightstand next to the bottle of water.

“Why? It’s not like it’s helping.”

“It takes a while, but if you feel it’s still not helping, we can try something else.” Amelia watched as her daughter took the pill and laid back into bed. “If you need anything, you know where I am.” As she was about to close the door, she could barely make out what her daughter had said as it was so quiet. “What did you say, sweetheart?”

“Can you come to lay with me?” She spoke a little louder. She was causing the woman to smile for the first in days genuinely. She got into her daughter’s bed and was shocked when she was engulfed in a hug. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Don’t ever apologize; this isn’t your fault. It’s going to get better, I promise.”

“You think?”

“It will. I’m going to be here, and your dad, and your brothers. We’re here for you. Life gets so much better, I promise, you’re going to look back and see how strong you were and how worth it, it is to be alive.”

“It doesn’t feel that way. Why can’t we just all die and get it over with? It’s gonna happen anyway.”

“You’re right. We’re all going to die, but I think that’s what makes life so valuable.” Addie had a confused expression on her face as she waited for her mother to elaborate. “It’s a one in a million chance that we’re all here, and all together. And we get to experience the beauty and pain with them. Then you get to look back and see all the progress you made because you fought, and you’ll remember the memories with those people and how much it impacted you and allowed you to grow into the person you fought to become. Life is so worth living.”

“You promise?” The innocent voice sent Amelia back to when her daughter was little, and they were making a mundane promise to one another. There was significant weight to this promise, one she wasn’t sure she’d be able to keep.

“I do, I promise.” Amelia finally concluded, twirling of loose strand of her daughter's hair. “It’s not always going to feel worth it, but I promise it is if you just stick around. I don’t think you realize how many people need you, even the people you haven’t met yet.”

“I love you, mom,” Addie whispered, burrowing herself further into her mother.

“Not as much as I love you.” Amelia was met with tears of relief, worry, and hurt, allowing them to fall as she tightly embraced her daughter silently.

________________________________________

“Morning.” Link smiled, stopping at his daughter’s door. “I was gonna go for a run; wanna join me?”

“I’ll walk with you.” Addie compromised.

“Sounds nice.” Link tried to contain his excitement. This was the most normal he felt with his daughter since he could remember. Addison slowly maneuvered herself out of bed and lethargically put her shoes on.

“Where are we walking to?”

“Donut shop?” Link suggested, causing his daughter to smile, signifying to him it was a plan. The two set a slow but steady pace and enjoyed the quiet of the morning. “Did you know I struggled with depression when I was a kid?”

“No, I didn’t.” This information shocked her; he was the most optimistic person she knew. Before this conversation, she highly doubted he had ever been sad before.

“It got really bad when my parents split, and I couldn’t get out of bed for the better part of a year. Everything felt worthless, I felt like a burden to everyone, and everyone would be better without me. Then I went to cancer camp, and I met this kid, he was sicker than I was, but all he wanted to do was play video games and focus on the good stuff. It’s not like that cured my depression or anything, but it helped, realizing there was good in the world, and I was lucky enough to see it if I just fought. Not the cancer but my own mind.”

“But it’s just, it’s just so exhausting; how do you do it? Just exist?”

“I found people I wanted to live for, and I found the joy of life through the little things. And I’m so grateful I stuck around because I never would’ve met your mother if I didn’t. Then we never would’ve had the privilege of having you three, which is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Back then, life felt useless, but looking back, it all led me right here, and I’m so glad it did. It wasn’t always pretty, but it was so so so worth it.”

“It was? It was worth it? Even after Scout crashed your new car? And I was sent to a psych ward? And when Anders got sick and almost ruined you and mom?”

“Yeah, all of that was worth living for. Because we overcame it and survived, those things weren’t the end of the world. Scout was okay, and we got another car. You are alive and at home. Anders is healthy, and in the end, it strengthened your mother and I’s marriage. It’s going to take a while, but I know you're going to get to a point in your life and are going to be so grateful you didn’t miss it.”

“You think so?”

“I know so.” The girl’s father smiled, holding the door of the donut shop open for his daughter. Watching her walking in and feeling a sense of relief wash over him. It was going to be okay.

#tw hopelessness #tw depressing stuff #tw depression #tw self harn #amelia shepherd #atticus lincoln #scout lincoln #addison lincoln #anders lincoln #greys anatomy #greys fanfic #greys anatomy fanfic

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readyplayerhobi · 5 years

Text

Silver Bells and Cockle Shells

; Widower Single Dad!Hoseok x Reader

; Genre: Angst, fluff, smut

; Word Count: 22.2k

; Warnings: Mentions of death, grief, depression, insinuated blowjob and car sex, penetrative sex, masturbation, fingering

; Synopsis: Jung Hoseok has three beautiful daughters whom he loves more than anything in the world; Soo-ah, Ji-eun and Ji-soo. For five years now, it’s been only them and him against the world. But what happens when he wants to bring someone new into their lives?

; A/N: Hello, this is something I just randomly got in my head. Was meant to be a drabble...ha, evidently not. I half edited this but full honesty, I got bored and just wanted it out! If you like it, pleeeease reblog it! Leave me lovely comments and feedback, send asks and like it! I hope you enjoy this and that...it’s not boring or anything ;-;

; Sequel - Sleigh Bells Ring

“Soo-ah!” Hoseok cursed, frowning deeply as he bent over and picked up the toothbrush she’d carelessly dropped to the floor after she’d brushed her teeth for bed. “Pick up your stuff after yourself!”

Sometimes he felt like he spent half his day chasing around after his daughters to put his house back together. Honestly, going to work could be classed as a relief at this stage in his life. Pausing for a moment, he stared at himself in the finger printed mirror before letting out a deep sigh and rolling his eyes.

He was too young to be thinking like that. At only 33, he was pretty sure that he should only just be experiencing the stress he’d endured for the past ten years. His friends certainly were only just beginning to understand what he’d gone through.

Already, Jimin had started whining about how tired he was with his newborn son which was making Namjoon start to blanch whenever they met up and the conversation started. His own wife was due in three months and Hoseok was looking forward to being as smug as humanly possible whenever the younger man complained himself.

They’d all had to endure years of Namjoon saying it can’t be that bad and encouraging them all to simply remain calm and all that bullshit he spouted in his daily role as a psychiatrist. It had made Hoseok want to hiss fire at him when the man had no concept of trying to cope with two colicky babies alongside a five-year-old who tantrumed over the wrong breakfast cereal.

The man had it coming, Hoseok swore. A small, sinister part of him was hoping that Namjoon’s baby would be the antichrist but then he pushed that thought away. In actuality, he hoped that Namjoon and his wife would have the most pleasant experience as parents.

No matter what, he was positive it would be better than his own experience.

Putting the toothbrush back into its place, he crouched down to grab the cleaner and sprayed the mirror in an even coating, placing the bottle back before grabbing a cloth and wiping the mirror clean. It was stupid, but the pristine surface soothed a part of him that screamed out at the sheer tornado of chaos his children caused.

His love for his daughters was infinite and he would happily give up his own life to protect them and ensure their unending happiness; but sometimes he also just wanted to scream in frustration. Sighing heavily, he rests his hands on the counter and looks down into the sink, brows furrowing together once more as he notes the stains of toothpaste spit that has dried on the porcelain and a deep groan runs through him.

A full clean of the house will have to be done this weekend. He’ll have time to do it as his parents are taking the girls to the aquarium and then a movie for the day after a sleepover. And then, after a whole day of cleaning, they would come back to a nice house with everything in its place and it would all go back to looking exactly how it had in the morning within hours.

Rubbing his hand over his face, he licks at his lips and looks back in the mirror. Said hand soon moves to run through his hair, pushing the sleek, black strands out of his face and he notes idly that he needs to get it cut. The sides are getting too long and he scowls slightly, pushing at the hair that should be shaved close to the sides of his head.

Maybe he could take the girls to get their hair done and then ask if the hairdresser would quickly do his as well. They’d be entertained with each other for a while, surely? Or maybe he could run out on Saturday while they’re gone and get it sorted. He did need to go shopping to buy groceries for dinner and it would make sense to do it at the same time. Hoseok had become very adept at finding time to fit multiple things together.

His stomach flipped nervously as he thought about dinner.

If everything went right with the conversation he was about to have with his girls, then Saturday evening would be the first time he would introduce you to them. For five years now, Hoseok had raised his beloved daughters as a single father.

It hadn’t been out of choice.

His eldest daughter, Soo-ah had turned ten-years-old in March this year. She’d been born when he was 23, a surprise pregnancy with his college sweetheart. They’d married a year later and Hoseok had enjoyed four wonderful and happy years with Soo-ah and the woman he’d considered the love of his life, Yoo-jin.

A second pregnancy occurred when they had both been 27; this time it was planned and very much wanted. On October 29th, two beautiful twin girls had been born and Hoseok’s heart had swollen even more with love and affection. Ji-eun and Ji-soo were perfection in human form to him.

October 29th had also been the last day his wife had been alive.

Complications from the strain of birthing both girls had taken his wife from him, and he’d suddenly been alone in the world with three daughters relying on him. Grief had taken a backseat as he’d thrown himself into the three innocent lives that needed him so desperately and it had been the hardest thing he’d ever done.

Crippling depression had hit him hard with the loss of Yoo-jin and sometimes the very sight of his kids had caused him to burst into tears as he’d thought about how she wouldn’t get to see their daughters grow and experience life. It had been even harder with two newborn girls who had demanded every moment of his time and attention, leading to him having to take time off work as a software engineer at first and then work from home once his leave ran out.

What had been even worse though, was that not only was he trying to cope with his own grief but that he also had to cope with Soo-ah’s. She’d been only five-years-old. Her mommy and daddy had gone to the hospital one day and had promised to bring back her baby siblings.

Only daddy and two sisters had come home. She hadn’t understood why mommy wasn’t coming back and for two whole months, Soo-ah started and ended every day asking when mommy was coming home. Everytime, his eyes had watered and his throat tightened as he’d had to tell her that mommy wasn’t going to come home, that she’d gone to the sky to watch after them all.

They say kids understand more than you expect, but it had still taken a long time for her to grasp the concept that her mommy was gone. He hadn’t been able to say that she had died, and he’d broken down the night that she’d turned six. Hoseok had tried to make it a happy and fun time for her, but it had only been five months since Yoo-jin had passed and Soo-ah hadn’t been coping too well.

She’d been happy at the start of her party, accepting her presents from all her friends and her many uncles and aunts who doted on her immensely. Her grandparents had already visited earlier in the day and Hoseok knew that everyone was spoiling her to try and make up for the one thing missing from her day.

Later on, she’d begun to act out and had a tantrum that resulted in the party ending earlier than expected. Hoseok had known that she might exhibit behaviour like this; she was just a child and it was a big emotion for her to compute. The happiness and excitement of everything, combined with seeing the other kids with their mom’s had simply been too much.

When he’d put her to bed that night, giving her lots of extra kisses and cuddles, she’d been quiet and sullen. It had broken his heart and yet again, he hadn’t known what to do. There wasn’t a manual for this.

But what had destroyed him had been what she asked him, her voice tiny and more than a little fragile as she curled up in his arms beneath her Mickey Mouse bedding.

“Mommy’s dead. That’s why she’s not coming home. Right?” How he had got the strength to carry on that conversation with her without falling apart right then and there, he’d never known. But he had. And then he had checked on the twins before falling into his own bed, his pillow soaked with his own tears as pain had eaten at him.

Five years had passed since, and with time it had gotten a little better. His heart no longer aches when he thinks of Yoo-jin and he could talk about her openly with a smile. He made sure to keep her photos in the house for his daughters, reminding them of their mom and letting them know that she loved them. Each of their rooms, the single for Soo-ah and the room that Ji-eun and Ji-soo shared as they refused to sleep apart, was decorated with pictures of Yoo-jin and Hoseok.

It made him sad to know that he had no photos of Yoo-jin and the twins for them, but they’d never asked about her either. They had never grown up with a mom, so they never thought anything of it. Soo-ah had though, and while she had slowly turned back into the happy and loving girl he’d known, he knew that she would never forget her mom.

Nor would he want her to.

But for five years, he’d only limited himself to one-night-stand’s in which both he and the recipient were abundantly clear that there wasn’t going to be anything further. He hadn’t wanted to engage in romance, hadn’t wanted his feelings to get involved. All he had wanted was the relief of an orgasm and the intimacy of another person for a few hours.

His parents had encouraged him to go on a few blind dates in the last two years, and he had done so reluctantly. Even Yoo-jin’s parents had told him that they wanted him to be happy, even if that meant finding someone new to love.

It was hard though. He’d felt disloyal with the first few dates, even if they’d just ended up in casual sex before never seeing each other again. Most of them hadn’t been interested in anything further with a man who had three young daughters. He hadn’t been interested in them once they gave him that opinion.

So he hadn’t bothered mentioning it after, because he simply hadn’t wanted to engage in anything that would involve feelings.

Until you.

He’d met you a year ago, when Jungkook’s wife had brought you to one of his summer barbecue get togethers. It had been before anyone else in their friend group besides from Hoseok and Seokjin had had kids, so it had been deemed a kid free event to allow the parents to kick back and relax.

Yoo-jin’s parents had taken the kids for the day and Hoseok had got to simply be himself for a few hours without having the stress of constantly checking on what his kids were doing. He’d discovered that three children meant three times the amount of potential damage and carnage that could be caused, and minus another parent figure resulted in just overall disaster material.

Hoseok still shuddered in horror whenever he thought of the supermarket experience from two years ago. Even now, he refused to go back there from sheer embarrassment.

But you had simply been there as a friend, and at first he hadn’t even paid attention to you in any way other than simple respect. You’d been sweet and friendly, if a bit shy as it had been obvious that everyone knew each other except for you. Chae-young, Jungkook’s wife, was a colleague of yours and you’d become close through a mutual love of equestrian activities.

At the time, that was as much as he’d known about you alongside your name, age and that you were the manager of a sales team in an office. There hadn’t been any need for him to know more, but by the end of the night he’d been quietly endeared by you.

He hadn’t laughed as much in years, his smile bright and wide on his face while he talked intently with you. For three whole hours, you’d both been in a little bubble of shared mutual interests from tennis to dancing to pop culture. Neither had noticed the subtle glances everyone was giving each other as they watched their friend, who had spent so many years with his light dim and subdued, come to life before their eyes.

Before he’d even realised what he was doing, you had both swapped numbers and he’d enjoyed a few weeks of casual interaction via text. He’d enjoyed the conversation with someone new and had been determined to not let his busy life get in the way.

Even better, you’d already known about his kids and hadn’t been bothered in the slightest. In fact, you’d even been inquisitive and he’d happily discussed them, pride behind every word. The texts had soon turned into phone conversations which soon turned into video chats.

Soon enough, he’d been meeting you for lunch in the city at a cafe that was between both your workplaces. Hoseok hadn’t realised how close Chae-young worked to him until then, and he’d enjoyed his lunches more than he ever had with the easy conversation that flowed between you both.

It was ironic really. He’d spent so long not looking for anything that he didn’t even realise when something wonderful fell right into his lap. And you were wonderful, beyond wonderful.

For the first time in over a decade, Hoseok had gone to bed early to simply lay there, curled up under the covers, while he texted you like a teenage boy with his first crush. And that’s what he’d felt like, even if he hadn’t quite realised it. Every text had made his stomach flip and every call made him breathless with nerves.

He found himself going to the bathroom before lunch, checking over his hair and looks before meeting up with you. Things he saw in the store that reminded him of you found their way into his basket before ending up in your hands, all to see that pretty smile that made him feel so funny.

It had been so long since he’d dated properly, so long since he’d liked anyone in more than just a lust filled euphoria, that he just hadn’t realised what was happening. And it had taken his mom, of all people, to point it out to him.

He’d been at theirs one afternoon, the girls playing in the living room with the toys their grandparents had accumulated over the years while he sat at the island in the kitchen. His mom had been watching him for five whole minutes instead of preparing the meal for that night, observing the way her son smiled and laughed to himself, eyes locked on his screen.

It had made tears come to her eyes when she had realised that she hadn’t seen him like this since Yoo-jin had been alive. She had queried him who he was talking to, causing him to casually say your name without a second thought. And then she had asked him how long he had been dating you, which had thrown him for a loop.

“I’m not dating her. We’re just friends.” He hadn’t even realised he’d said those fateful words out loud, hadn’t realised the meaning of what he’d just said. In his mind, that was exactly what you were. Friends.

Which was why his mom had given me an exasperated smile and a shake of her head. “Hoseok, sweetheart. If you’re not dating her, then you should be. I haven’t seen you this happy in...a long time. Especially not with another woman.”

Hoseok had frozen then, staring down at his phone with a frown as his mother’s words had finally penetrated the shield that he had held so tightly around his heart for half a decade now. The last text you had sent him had been something stupid, but he’d gripped his phone tight as he’d realised she was right. You made him happy, you made him want to try.

And that made him feel guilty.

She’d spent the rest of the afternoon convincing him that it was okay to move on, to truly move on and find happiness with someone else. That night, he’d refrained from texting you as he’d tried to compute his newfound emotions and find a place for them to sit alongside everything else in him.

For so long, he’d thought that Yoo-jin would have been the only woman for him. The woman that he would grow old with, be buried next to and so forth. And then she had died at only 28, and he’d been without her once more. He’d spent years convinced that he should stay loyal to her, after all, they hadn’t broken up.

But as he’d laid there that night, he’d worked through the guilt that wracked him as he’d realised that he didn’t want to be alone anymore. He didn’t want to wake up alone, in a cold bed and come home to only his children. Hoseok loved his kids, he truly did, but he wanted someone that he could talk to, laugh with, argue with if necessary, be intimate with.

He wanted someone to love again, and he wanted to be loved in turn.

Everyone had always said that he had a big heart, always ready to bestow it on whoever had his affections that day. A smile that could light up the sun and so forth. And for five years, he’d only poured love into his daughters because they were all he had.

As he’d gone to sleep that night, he had contented himself with the knowledge that he was no longer happy with his lonely situation. But he planned to do something about it, because he had also realised that he liked you, and he wanted to pour that love into you too if you would let him.

The very next lunch he had with you, he had asked you on a date. His confidence had faltered halfway through as panic had suddenly set in, worry that you wouldn’t want to date a 33-year-old father of three. But you had smiled brightly, face lighting up with such happiness and excitement that he’d been unable to not smile back, before eagerly accepting.

That had been six months ago, and he had fallen in love with you slowly every day since.

Despite this though, he had yet to introduce you to the girls. There were many reasons for this and he’d been pleased that you had accepted them all without complaint. The most important reason was because Hoseok hadn’t wanted to introduce anyone to them if it wasn’t going to end up serious.

It would just hurt them if you broke up and they never saw you again, and he wasn’t ready to impart that kind of emotional turmoil on his little girls. Secondly, he hadn’t wanted to pressure you into doing anything with his kids when you didn’t have to. You weren’t their mom, nor were you looking to be and he didn’t want to force that role on you.

He’d wanted you to feel comfortable enough to finally meet them, and he’d wanted to feel comfortable enough in his relationship for you to meet them. But also, he’d just wanted to enjoy you to himself without the interference of children.

Hoseok loved his kids, he would never give them up and his whole life revolved around them really. Yet his relationship with you was the first thing in five years that he’d had solely to himself, untouched by their presence. He felt selfish thinking that way, but he’d just wanted to enjoy you a little longer without the pressure of parental expectations.

After six months though, he’d finally decided that it was time. It had been a huge decision, and he’d agonised over it a few weeks before finally talking it through with you. He’d had to be sure that you even wanted to meet them, because as worried as he was for how his daughters would react to you, he couldn’t even imagine what it must be like for you.

You’d started dating him in the knowledge he had three kids, but knowing and actually seeing and being a part of those small lives was entirely different. Most women probably didn’t start dating someone with a ready made family, and he’d stressed a little over that.

Dating him seriously meant you would be directly involved with his daughters. He didn’t want you to think that he wanted a second mom for them, because he didn’t and he doubted his daughters wanted that either, but it would be hard for you to avoid some parental activities.

And that wasn’t even thinking about whether or not you actually wanted children in the future. There was a chance that you might think he might not want more kids because he already had three, but you had none. Overall, it had taken a lot of thinking before he’d finally proposed the idea of introducing you.

He wanted to be able to bring you home, cuddle up with you on the couch after a long day without having to worry about the girls finding out. Eventually move onto you staying the night, hopefully one day in the future even moving in together. He had kids, yes, but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t have a relationship like everyone else.

Hoseok wanted to give you as normal a relationship as he could, despite the three extra people he came with as standard.

You’d been sweet about the whole thing though, consoling him and letting him know that you were supportive of whatever decision he made. There weren’t enough words in the English language for him to convey how much he appreciated how easy-going you were about it all and he’d just fallen even harder for you.

It was a little odd really, how quickly he’d realised he loved you. Admittedly, he’d spent months without even realising he liked you, but he’d told you those three special words within three months. He’d taken half a year to tell Yoo-jin, and he wasn’t sure what that meant. If it meant anything.

But all of this was completely moot if his girls decided they didn’t want to meet you. They were allowed that decision, and Hoseok was fully prepared to love you separately for a while until they got used to the idea. He didn’t want to, but he wouldn’t force someone onto them if they didn’t want it. Nor was he willing to break up with you solely for that reason.

He loves his daughters, but he refuses to let them rule his life entirely. Just as he works hard they’re happy, he knows that he’s entitled to happiness himself.

Pushing away from the counter, he takes a deep breath before heading into the twin’s room. The bathroom was the one all the girl’s shared while he had his own thanks to the en-suite. Something he was positive that he was going to be very thankful for when they all hit teenage years.

The twin’s room was pure chaos, as expected. He’d long since given up trying to keep this room tidy. Instead, he would simply go through once a day and make it look less like a bomb had gone off in it.

There was plenty of room in the house for them to have a room each, there were actually two spare bedrooms in this ridiculously large house he’d bought with Yoo-jin years ago. It had been cheap purely because it had needed to have a lot of stuff fixed in it, but over the years he’d worked with both friends and family to turn it into the family home it was today.

But splitting the twins up had proven to be an unthinkable act. He’d tried it once when they were four and they’d screamed and cried for hours before going quiet. Thinking they were asleep, he’d gone to check on them only to discover that Ji-eun had gotten out of her bed and was curled up in Ji-soo’s bed.

The very next day, he’d moved her stuff back into the room and they’d been content ever since. Twins were funny, he mused to himself as he watched them both lying beneath Ji-eun’s Iron Man bedding, his iPad in Ji-soo’s hands as they both watched a movie.

He had refused to let them have an iPad, even a joint-owned one as he didn’t want to end up being that dad whose kids spent all their time on a screen. Even now, they were limited to only two hours of screen time a day. Soo-ah was the same, only she was allowed to use the computer to do her homework when necessary as well.

It caused them to whine a lot but he instead encouraged them to play, read books or even use the board games he’d bought. Thankfully, they were pretty happy with it despite the minor whining but he knew that his policy was going to have to change soon. Particularly for Soo-ah.

“Hey you two, how are my little pumpkins?” He said with a bright smile as he crouched down next to the bed. Two sets of identical eyes flicked over to him, their warm chocolate depths filled with sleepiness and fondness swelled in him.

“Hi daddy,” Ji-soo whispered, the tiny mole on her cheek being the only way to distinguish her from her younger sister. Her black hair shone with health in the warm light of the Avengers lamp on the bedside table and Hoseok reached out, stroking the flyaway strands down. Ji-eun was too busy watching the iPad and he smiled, resting his head on the bed next to them both and watching quietly.

There was only a few more minutes until it was over, and he took the tablet from them before switching it off and placing it next to him on the floor. The door creaked open and all three looked over, taking in Soo-ah’s frown as she looked at her sisters and dad.

He’d asked her to come into the twins room once she’d gotten into her pyjamas and he grinned at her mismatching clothes. A Mickey Mouse t-shirt was combined with Batman bottoms but he chose not to say anything as she flipped her long, black hair behind her shoulder in a movement that reminded him so strongly of Yoo-jin.

The twins were growing to look like him, but Soo-ah was all Yoo-jin. It was a soft ache sometimes to look at her, but it just made him love her all the more.

Gesturing to her with an open arm, she tucked herself into his side where he knelt and he kissed the crown of her head with a loud ‘mwah’, enjoying the way she wiggled and whined in protest. She was reaching the age where affection from him was met with embarrassment but he didn’t care.

“Are you all excited to go to grandma and grandpa’s tomorrow?” All three of them nod, excitement lighting up their eyes and he has to bite his inner cheek to stop the grin that wants to paint itself onto his face. His parents spoil them, they truly do. He has no doubt when he picks them up on Saturday that they’ll have eaten their weight in sugary goods and will likely have another toy each.

“Good, they’re looking forward to having you too. I want you all on your best behaviour, yeah?” Each little girl gives another nod and he goes soft with pride for them all. They were truly the most important things in his life and he squeezed Soo-ah a little tighter in response.

“So...err,” He paused, brow creasing as he realised that he didn’t know how to go about this. “On Saturday, we’re going to have dinner with someone. She’s...she’s someone very special to daddy.”

“Is she your girlfriend?” Ji-soo asks innocently, her eyes filling with curiosity and he smiles in response, running his fingers through her hair once more before nodding.

“Yes...she is. I...she’s been daddy’s friend for a while now, and daddy really likes her. So...I want to make sure that you all are okay with that? I don’t want to bring her if you’re not going to be happy.” This is possibly one of the most awkward he’s things he’s done in a while but he preserves, hoping that his daughters will understand and accept.

“Do you love her?” Ji-eun asks and Hoseok freezes, his eyes widening. He feels it’s far too soon to confirm that for them when he’s only just telling them so he shakes his head instead, leaning over to kiss her forehead.

“I like her a lot. She makes me very happy and I want you all to get to meet her. She’s excited to meet you if you want to. But it’s only if you want to.” There’s silence for a few moments more before the twins nod enthusiastically with smiles that resemble his own so much.

“Okay daddy.” They both respond at the same time, causing him to chuckle as that odd twin telepathy happens again. It weirded him out sometimes but it mostly just made him glad that they had each other.

Soo-ah hasn’t responded and he looks down at her, noting the way her eyes are downcast and her body is tight. His heart sinks slightly, knowing that she was going to be the one that he had the most trouble with.

She was the one who remembered her mom, who vaguely remembered scenes of her mommy and daddy hugging and kissing, whispering they loved each other. It was always going to be the hardest with her, and he wondered how long it would take for her to accept it. If she ever did.

But then she surprises him with a slight shrug, her fingers tracing unseen shapes into his jean covered thigh, her lips pursed out in a tiny pout. “Okay dad.”

Her tone isn’t nearly as enthusiastic as the twins and he frowns slightly, kissing the twins goodnight and turning the lamp off before he gently encourages Soo-ah out of the room. She doesn’t speak on the way to her own bedroom, the interior of this room a soft purple that’s decorated with numerous horse posters.

Without a word, she climbs into her bed and curls up with her back to him underneath the covers. His heart clenched tightly as he sits down next to her, the mattress dipping and causing her to roll slightly towards him. Neither says anything for a moment as he simply runs his fingers through her hair gently, enjoying the way it feels and thinking about how big his little girl was getting.

“Soo-ah? Are you really okay with it? It’s okay if you’re not,” He whispered, looking away from her to the bookcase opposite him that’s filled to the brim with books. “She’s nice, I think you’ll like her. She goes horse-riding and knows so much about them.”

“What about mommy?” And there it is, the very thing he was looking forward to least. His breath leaves him in a deep and heavy sigh while his head drops down momentarily as he tries to put his thoughts together into cohesive speech. This is all very new and alien to her and he’d always known it was going to be a tougher sell to her than the twins. They’d only ever had daddy, she’d had both.

“Mommy is still here with us Soo-soo, she’s not being forgotten. I still love her so much and I know that she still loves you. Y/N isn’t going to replace mommy, I swear.” Soo-ah stays curled up, her body tight and he grits his teeth, hating that he had to go through this with her.

“What if you fall in love with Y/N and forget about mommy? I don’t want another mommy. What if she’s mean? What if she hates us and tells you that she doesn’t want us?” Wow, this is way more questions than he’d anticipated from merely asking if they’d be okay with meeting you but he got the suspicion that these were things Soo-ah had worried over for the last few years.

Which meant he had to go very carefully, otherwise things could go very wrong.

“You’re not going to get another mommy, I don’t want that for you. You had one mommy, and you always will. Y/N doesn’t want make you unhappy, she’s not expecting you to love her or treat her like a mom. She also doesn’t hate you and she would never tell me make me choose. She’s known about you all the whole time I’ve known her and she’s excited to meet you all. I’ve told her so much about my smart girls. And she’s not mean. She’s one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. I wouldn’t bring someone into your life that I didn’t trust and like. I swear Soo-soo.”

She’s quiet for a moment longer before shrugging again, her body relaxing as she lets out a deep sigh. “Okay,” His shoulders relax as he senses the acknowledgement in that one word. “I love you daddy.”

Biting his lip, he knows that she’s still not entirely okay with it and he also knows that he’s going to have to be very careful on Saturday. He loves Soo-ah, but he knows that she can be temperamental around things like this, with valid reason, obviously. But he also knows that she doesn’t really know what to think, hence her calling him ‘daddy’, something that she hadn’t done for 3 years now.

“I love you too Soo-soo.” Bending over, he kisses her head goodnight before leaving her room too, resting his back against her door as he lets his head fall back and a deep sigh leaves him. He hopes you know how much he truly loves you with how willing he is to let you into his life, because for him and his little family, this is the biggest earthquake to strike since the death of Yoo-jin.

Only this time, he hopes that that result afterwards would be happy instead of painful.

Hoseok lets out a happy groan of delight as he bites into the greasy pizza, the tangy cheese contrasting wonderfully to the meaty pepperoni and rich tomato base. It tastes far too good and a voice in the back of his mind tuts at the wilful carbs he’s adding into his body. He’s not as young as he once was and keeping off the weight was beginning to be a little harder nowadays, but he pushed that thought firmly away.

You liked his body, even if he wasn’t as toned as he had been ten years ago. But whatever, you weren’t dating 23-year-old Hoseok and 33-year-old Hoseok didn’t give a damn when the pizza tasted this fucking good.

A light chuckle sounded from his right and he glanced over, finding you watching him with amusement dancing in your eyes while a bemused smile played on your lips as you chewed on your own slice of pizza. Once you’d realised that you’d caught his attention, you swallow your piece before leaning over to wipe at the grease on his lips with undeniable affection and his stomach felt a little bit fuzzy.

He was being honest when he said that you made him happy, because you really did. In fact, he was pretty sure that this was the happiest he had been in five years and sometimes he got a little sappy and emotional about it. So long had been spent purposefully isolating himself for his daughters that he hadn’t really understood what he was missing out on again.

But, he conceded to himself, he was glad of that as well. Because he wouldn’t have started a relationship with you if he’d started dating earlier. So he was content with his earlier decisions, content with you.

Having kids and losing a wife had really turned him way more emotional than he’d used to be, but he reasoned that it was okay. He’d just learned what it was like to lose something he loved dearly, and he had spent years regretting not loving Yoo-jin more fiercely. Which was why he was determined to make sure that you knew exactly how much he loved you, for however long you both lasted.

He would not make the same mistake twice.

“Enjoying that?” You ask him, expression mischievous as you take the pizza crust he hands you and start to eat it with a joyful hum. Hoseok simply watches for a moment before nodding with a grin.

“Do you know...how nice it is to get to eat junk food?” A snort leaves you as you roll your eyes, shifting until your back is against the cushion on the couch and you pull your legs up. You’re only wearing some bed shorts and an oversized logo shirt with the Star Wars logo on it, both faded from overwashing but still comfortable.

“Am I supposed to feel sorry for you? You’re the one who chooses the meals in your house. If you want junk food, then just eat junk food.” The way you say it is completely casual but Hoseok gasps in mock outrage, a hand resting on his chest.

“How rude! You’re supposed to be complimenting me on how wonderful of a father I am because I make sure my daughters are eating the healthiest food! Did you know, we haven’t had chocolate in our house for over a year now? Only health snacks allowed.” A droll stare is all he gets in response and he squirms slightly, trying his hardest not to let his lower lip pout out.

You were two years younger than him and also childless, yet sometimes he felt like you were the older one and also the parent.

“Blatantly false. I distinctly remember you eating a Kit Kat the other week in bed when we facetimed. I thought lying was bad Hobi?” You’ve got him there and he finally lets his lips purse before he chuckles in defeat, nodding his head.

“Okay fine, we have one day of junk food a week. But they’re not allowed anything unhealthy unless they’ve done something really good, like got a really good grade or done some chores around the house. Me on the other hand...well, let’s say I might have a secret stash hidden somewhere in the house that little girl’s can’t reach.” His hand waves airily as he speaks and you burst into laughter, reaching out with one foot to push at his thigh.

Without even thinking about it, he lowers his hand to rest on your leg and runs his fingers along your skin affectionately. There’s no pizza left anymore and instead he focuses on sliding his hands along your calf, digging into the muscles there and massaging gently until you let out a soft sigh.

Silence falls between you both, the comfortable kind where neither of you feels the need to speak. The television is playing some Netflix Original series while the lingering scent of pizza still fills the air.

He’d come over to yours for the night, enjoying the fact that he was actually able to spend the whole night with you. His parents had asked to have the girls last week tonight and he’d agreed happily, knowing that it meant he could spend more time than usual with you. Staying over was only possible when the girl’s were not home, and that was pretty rare.

Your apartment was pretty small, the size dictated by what you could afford in combination with the car you had and the salary you earnt. But he liked it all the same. It was filled with a combination of pop culture in the form of figurines and plushies everywhere alongside beautiful paintings that hung on the walls or elegant photographs of landscapes.

Candles dotted the area, a few lit to fight the pizza scent with vanilla and he smiled as he felt himself relax both physically and mentally. There was no hint of children here, no toys thrown around or crayons half hidden underneath furniture. He obviously loved his kids but sometimes it was nice to just...have somewhere that didn’t look like Toys R Us had thrown up in it.

In actuality, he found dating as an adult slightly odd. The last time he’d properly dated had been with Yoo-jin, and that had been over ten years ago. He’d been a student when they’d got together, only 21 and he’d had a young adult’s mindset to go with it too. At the time, all he cared about was his grades, partying, getting drunk and getting laid.

Not necessarily in that order.

Okay, definitely not in that order.

A job, taxes, bills, childcare, children and so forth hadn’t even entered his head really. Dating back then had simply meant meeting up with Yoo-jin after class and going back to the apartment he’d shared with Yoongi and Namjoon, fooling around for a few hours before crashing in bed. Maybe going to a party or actually doing his homework.

The most stress he’d had was exam period, or maybe that time he forgot to hand in his term paper and he’d been handed his ass by Professor Lee in History of Medieval Europe. That hadn’t been fun.

Dating had been almost...relaxing with how carefree it had been. How unburdened with the stress and realities of life.

Dating now was far different. Now he had to fit in his dates with you in his lunch breaks or the rare evening he could get someone to watch the girls. Talking was relegated to when they were in bed and a lot of the conversations often ended up being about world events or problems with a job or co-worker. It felt mundane and if he thought about it, boring, but he oddly didn’t mind.

Being with Yoo-jin in the early stages had been exciting and fun, dates being extravagant and wild. Being you was different. In Yoo-jin, he’d sought excitement but with you he sought comfort and quiet. A way to simply be Jung Hoseok, the man, again instead of being Jung Hoseok the father or colleague.

He felt a little sad that he didn’t get to experience the wildness with you, but then again, he felt far too tired for that anyway. It was only 8pm and he was already contemplating asking if you wanted to go to bed. Not even for sex, but just because he was tired.

Though he wouldn’t say no to sex.

That was definitely something that he’d discovered was perhaps even better than with Yoo-jin, which he’d felt a little guilty about at first. Sure, he perhaps couldn’t go as often as he had when he was 21 but it was just...better.

Both of you were far more experienced and knew exactly what you liked and didn’t like in the bedroom, and you were both mature enough to be honest and open about it. He’d been mortified to find out that he hadn’t actually given Yoo-jin an orgasm for six whole months because she’d been too shy to tell him whereas you’d told him exactly what to do for the very first time you’d slept together.

He’d been a little shocked actually, but it had resulted in perhaps the best sex he’d had in a long time. Particularly for two people who had never had sex with each other. And yet it had; he’d never felt such an intense and emotional connection with someone before and it had even frightened him a little bit, made him feel disloyal because he couldn’t ever remember Yoo-jin like that.

It had taken a quiet discussion with Namjoon over his guilt to realise that the sex was probably better because you were the first person he’d slept with that he’d been friends with beforehand, who he’d fallen for long before. Yoo-jin had been a one night stand that had turned into something more, but he’d known you for months.

Sex with you was some of the best he’d ever had, and it blew his mind even more because you hadn’t even had a huge amount of it in the past six months. The lack of time he had for meeting up with you meant that there just wasn’t time for it and so he’d had to fit it in where he could.

For the first time in well over ten years, he’d actually had freaking car sex. And it was not as pleasurable as he remembered. His cheeks flushed as he recalled that incident vividly. It was perhaps not his best moment sexually, but you’d both handled it so well.

it hadn’t even ended in an orgasm because you’d got cramp from bending over and he’d hit his head against you when he’d jerked forward in worry. It had ended up with you back in the passenger seat and giving him a blowjob while he’d felt guilty as hell over not being able to properly reciprocate.

But even that had proven how compatible you were with each other as only minutes later, with his cum still dripping down your face from where you’d overestimated your deep throating abilities and practically coughed it all back up, the two of you had been giggling like teenagers at the failed sex.

A snort leaves him as he remembers it and he shakes his head in response to the look of query you give him, tugging at your leg until you give in and move over to him. He smiles in victory as you curl into his side, your warmth pleasant against him while he wraps his arm around you comfortably, pressing his lips to your head and simply taking the smell of you in.

You smelt like the perfume he’d bought you for your birthday last month, a fruity candy scent because that’s what you loved above all else and he loved it. It made him want to eat you, and he felt a stirring in his groin as he considered doing just that.

“Are you sure they’re okay about tomorrow?” Your voice is soft and quiet but he can hear the insecurity behind it. He understands why. The two of you had made sure to have an in depth conversation about what would come about from you being introduced to his daughters.

You’d known that it would mean sometimes you would come to his place which would mean interacting with them on a personal level. Dates would sometimes end up being family events and they would come in tow. Quite simply, the longer you continue to date and the more the two of you settle into your relationship, the more integrated you would become into his own family.

He could hardly date you seriously and never include you with his own family. Particularly if he ever hoped to move you in one day. No, you would need to know what you were getting yourself into and needed to be accepting of that.

Just as he didn’t want to force something on his daughters, he didn’t want to force a family on you.

As much as he said to Soo-ah that you wouldn’t be replacing her mom, it would be impossible for you to not take on some mother aspects for them. Firstly, it just wouldn’t be fair to be in a long term relationship with him and never expect to do anything with his kids considering how young they were.

Secondly, you were a kind and nurturing person anyway. He had no doubt that whenever you eventually moved in, because he was pretty positive that would be happening in the future, you would want to actively try with the girls. How receptive they would be, he didn’t know.

But if you wanted to try with them then he certainly wasn’t going to stop you. If they didn’t want to reciprocate then they wouldn’t have to and he’d make sure that you knew that too.

“Well...I mean they’re only kids, so I can only really take them at what they say. The twins probably don’t understand properly but I don’t expect them to. They never got to be with Yoo-jin so, this is all new to them. For them, the only thing they’ll probably get upset is that daddy will have someone else that he’s going to pay attention to. Soo-ah though?” His tone turns a little unsure without him even meaning to and you wiggle against uncomfortably.

“She’s the one who’s going to be harder to get through to, isn’t she?” Hoseok hugs you tighter to him as the despondency in your voice and he wishes that he could take it away, but you’re right. Soo-ah is the mystery in the whole situation and she could make everything perfect or it could all fall apart.

“Yeah. She’s...she’s worried that I’m forgetting her mom or that you’ll try and replace her or something. A valid concern for her to have, but I think it’s going to take a while for her to come round to it. To everything really. To you being in our lives, to me loving someone else. It’s going to be hard on her and I wish I could make it better for her but...I can’t. I’ll just have to work with her and show her that being with you isn’t going to mean that Yoo-jin didn’t exist.”

You push up from him at that, a hand resting on his thigh and he looks deep into your eyes for a moment. He sees love for him there but also concern for his daughters combined with uncertainty for yourself and he can’t stop himself as he leans forward, pressing a soft kiss to your lips.

“I don’t want to take the place of their mom. Especially not for Soo-ah, I can’t even imagine what she went through and...that’s not what I want. I’ll try ready hard with them, I will. I swear. And I won’t get too offended or upset if they get angry at me. I know it’s a hard situation for them to get used to. It’s just been you four for a while now and I’m the interloper.” His heart warms at your words and he hugs you tighter to him, kissing your forehead hard before resting his nose against you.

“That’s why I love you. You know that? Because you care and you don’t push. I appreciate that so much. They’ll come around to it, even if they’re not happy at first. I don’t expect them to be happy, but I can’t be forced to be alone for the rest of my life just because they don’t like it. I...I feel a bit guilty saying this but...I deserve to be happy too.” A soft brush of your lips against his neck lets him know that you agree and his racing heart settles a little.

He’s nervous for tomorrow, yes, but he knows that he’s right. It’s been years of loneliness and now he’s finally ready to accept someone else. And he knows that his daughters would come to like you just as much as he does. Hoseok doesn’t expect them to love you, and he never would, but he hopes that they’ll at least come to like you.

“Anyway, let’s not focus on that right now. We’ve got that bridge to cross tomorrow. Tonight is just me and you, the last night of it being just us,” His brows wiggle suggestively and you roll your eyes in response, lips quirked up in amusement. “How about we take this to the bedroom?”

An unladylike snort leaves you as you push up from him, grabbing the pizza box and heading over to the kitchen to throw it away as he turns off the television.

“Really? You want sex already?” The exasperation in your voice causes to throw a look of outrage at the kitchen door but you’re not there to experience it so he just grins instead, grabbing both your phones and heading over to your bedroom.

“I just meant going to sleep you horndog! God, I thought men were supposed to be the ones who always thought about sex?” He calls out, biting his lip in amusement as he plugs your phone into the charger by your bed and places it on the bedside table.

The screen lights up momentarily and he grins as the lockscreen image pops up; it’s of him kissing your cheek in a park. It had been one sunny lunch and the cherry blossoms had been out in force, providing the perfect backdrop for a perfect picture.

He jumped in surprise, letting out a yelp and dropping his own phone onto the table with a clatter as two hands grip his ass firmly before they slide round to his stomach, wrapping him in a tight hug while you giggle and press kisses to his back.

“How can I not think about sex when my boyfriend is this hot?” The pink painting his cheeks is slightly embarrassing but he can’t stop the primal flush of pride at your compliment and he wants to roll his eyes at himself.

Turning around, he looks down at your pretty face and bends down to press his nose against yours in a butterfly soft kiss before catching your lips with his for a proper kiss. His arms move to wrap around you in turn, holding you tightly to him and for a few minutes, he just focuses all his efforts into exploring your mouth in a slow yet sensual kiss.

By the time he’s finished, you’re slightly breathless and he admires the dazed look in your eyes, lips swollen and the stirring in his groin he’d felt earlier becomes even more insistent. Perhaps too insistent given the way you look down at his crotch with a raised brow before glancing back up, biting your lip.

“You might want to go to bed but I want you, so how about it daddy?” He pauses, looking at you with a carefully blank face.

“As long as you never call me that ever again then sure. I think I can forego sleep for a little while longer,’ he grins broadly before stepping back. “So undress for me princess. Let me see how hot my girlfriend is.”

“Yes sir.”

“Oh...now that...I like.”

Waking up the next morning was surprisingly nice and he simply laid there for a few minutes in the quiet, taking in the way your scent saturated everything and how warm the bed felt. When he finally did open his eyes, he was met with the sight of a clock that read 8am.

Surprise flooded him for a second before he stretched out, groaning softly before smiling and simply laying there. He hadn’t woken up as late as 8am in years and it felt freaking glorious. Half of him wanted to roll over and simply go back to sleep, but he knew that his body wouldn’t let him now that he’d opened his eyes.

You on the other hand, were curled up in a ball next to him beneath the covers, your back facing him. A few ideas ran through his mind, wondering whether he should just get up and go shower or if he should spend some more time with you.

Time with you won out, as he knew it would have. He wasn’t going to turn down a morning with you without kids, no way in hell. And so without another thought, he rolled onto his side and curled up behind you, humming contentedly as the warmth of your body seeped into his own.

“Princess...priiincess,” He cooed into your ear, grinning as you shuffled slightly in his arms and let out a quiet croak in response. “Are you awake?”

There was no doubt about it, he was being a little shit right now and doing the exact thing that he whined at his own kids for doing on the weekend. But he didn’t care, because he found your response far too cute.

“No.” The pout you must have your on your face is abundantly evident and he laughs, pressing a kiss to the back of your neck. He wouldn’t kiss you, because he’d discovered that you really hated kissing with morning breath. Not that he was a fan either, but sometimes he just...wanted to kiss you really bad.

Though sometimes he had regretted it, but he just pushed those thoughts out of his mind. No, he wouldn’t kiss you today. At least...not until you’d both gotten up and brushed those pearly whites until the kiss would be minty fresh from both ends.

Instead, he just squeezed your body tighter to him and let out a quiet sigh of satisfaction. It was easy to forget how nice it was to just lay and cuddle with someone he loved; the warmth of you, the smell of you, the touch of you. It all merged together until he felt himself start to drift off once more, eyes closed and breath levelling out until you suddenly turned in his arms and he jerked awake once more.

An amused laugh left you as you looked up at him, eyes bleary with sleep while pillow lines creased your sleep swollen cheeks and his eyes narrowed playfully. “I thought you were sleeping.” He mumbled, burying his face into the slope of your neck while his hand moved to lay flat on your stomach, fingers stroking absentmindedly.

“Hard to sleep when I’ve got your hard on pressed against me.” Hoseok grunted at that, his fingers darting up to pinch at the nipple that made itself present through the thin material. A yelp left you before you laughed again, taking his hand and trapping it between your chin and shoulder.

“Don’t get too flattered. If I had a dollar for every time I woke up with an erection then I’d probably be just as poor because I’d have spent it all by now. But you get the point.” Your lower lip vanishes beneath your teeth as you hum, brow furrowing slightly.

“Are you saying that you don’t find my sleep face and morning breath attractive?” A snort leaves him as he presses his nose against your cheek, kissing the softness there slowly.

“I find you more than attractive missy, and you know that. I believe this is the first time we haven’t fucked after waking up together.” Pouting, you turn your head until you’re looking directly at him and he ducks his face slightly so that he’s not breathing directly on you. He did that once.

Once.

“Don’t give me that face. The only reason I’m not balls deep in you right now is firstly, because I need to go shower and then head home to clean up and secondly...I don’t have another condom.” Your face contorts on itself before sighing, your hand moving to brush over his boxer briefs and he lets out a hiss of breath as he feels you move against his cock.

“I could suck you off.” It’s almost innocent and he glares at you, lips pursing before he pulls away, rolling to the side and departing the bed before you can entice him any further.

“That’s not...I mean...minx.” You just grin at him before getting up yourself, letting him see the way your shirt has twisted on you in your sleep, clinging tightly to your curves. His hands clench automatically as he huffs out a breath, staring at the sight of your boy shorts that cup your ass so beautifully.

He was trying to be good here and you were ruining all his intentions.

“So...you don’t want a blowjob in the shower then?” There’s not even a chance for him to respond as you tug off your shirt, revealing the delectable sight of your breasts as they’re revealed to the morning air. Without even looking at him, you head towards the bathroom door.

Indecision fills him as he stares at the door, the straining erection in his underwear telling him to go but the logical part of his mind reminding him that he is, in fact, an adult man and not a horny teenager. But then your panties come flying through the door, landing in a heap and he lets out a deep groan before striding over.

He may be an adult, but he’s an adult who damn well likes your mouth on his cock and he is not turning that down. Not today, when later on will be stressful. Right now, it’s time to just enjoy you while he has you entirely to himself.

Inside the bathroom, he finds you merely brushing your teeth at the counter but your eyes move to land firmly on his and he desperately wishes he didn’t find it so weirdly attractive to watch the way your arm moves. But then he realises it’s what you want as your free hand slowly trails down your body, reaching the hair at the apex of your thighs.

Swallowing thickly, he lets out a slow breath before reaching around you for the toothbrush you’d given him to use here and carefully begins to brush his own teeth, trying his hardest not to look. This was not supposed to be a sexy activity, and yet here he was, eyes glued to your hand while his own hand tried to brush his teeth.

A quiet moan slips from your mouth, eyes fluttering shut and your arm shudders slightly, pausing in your movements as the fingers between your thighs work at yourself and he hisses, brushing far quicker in his haste to be done. He doesn’t want you to get all the fun, no way in hell.

Leaning over, he spits out into the sink and is suddenly reminded of all the times you’ve chosen to spit instead of swallow when you’d blown him and he has to repress the urge to giggle. Instead, he washes his mouth and realises you’re doing the same next to him, head so close to his own that he has an almost preternatural awareness of you.

Glancing up into the mirror, his breath escapes in a rush as he sees you bending over the counter, one elbow resting while your other hand moves in slow circles between your legs, now spread wider. Oh, this is just not fair, he thinks to himself before his eyes narrow.

“I thought I was getting a blowjob?” He asks, moving upright and looking down at you with an imperious brow raised.

You watch him with innocent eyes in the mirror, your own brows raising to complete the facade while you bite at your lower lip. “Did I say that? I thought you didn’t want anything.” The last syllable ends on a soft moan and his hands finds your hips without him even meaning to as your eyelids flutter shut, mouth opening in a perfect circle as soft moan leaves you.

It’s like a lightning bolt to his groin, cock aching at the sound and he realises he can hear wetness as your fingertips slide between your folds. His own fingers itch with the need to take over, to feel that slickness and rub till you’re breaking apart against him.

“Well...it’d take a strong man to turn this down princess,” Moving behind you, he presses his front to your back firmly and mouths a hot kiss to your shoulder, tongue working slowly before he looks back up into the mirror and smirks at how you watch him with those needy eyes. “I’m not that strong.”

Without another word, his arm comes around to your front and he pushes your hand out of the way, his own delving into the gap and his fingers finally rub against your clit. You’re already slippery with your own desire, worked up from your own touch while you’d been safe in the knowledge that he was carefully watching.

Your head falls back against his shoulder, even at this awkward angle with you bent over the counter but he just focuses on kissing and sucking at the sensitive skin of your shoulder and neck. He makes sure not to leave any marks on your neck but he’s more than giving with his attention, his free hand moving around to massage your breasts firmly, playing with your nipple till you push back against him.

“Condom…” The word is panted out from you, your hips gyrating against the firm touch of his fingers on your engorged nerves and he doesn’t even notice it at first. Not until you’re shifting position, trying to reach over to the drawer by your side. He pauses in his movements, fingers half inside you at this point and watches as you tug open a drawer and pull out a foil wrapper.

Looking back in the mirror at you, his brows raised in a combination of surprise, amusement and mild rebuke. “Wow...you really are a little minx, huh? Keeping condoms in the bathroom and not telling me. I’d say naughty girl but right now, I approve.”

A low laugh leaves you as you tear the foil with your teeth, pulling the condom out and handing it back to him. He kicks off his underwear quickly before giving himself a few firm strokes, breath coming a little quicker from the friction but he’s more than excited to be inside you already. It’s not even been 12 hours since the last time he’d fucked you.

Once on, he reaches between your legs once more and plunged two fingers inside of you, checking that you’re more than wet enough for him without needing to get any lubrication. Sometimes you needed it, sometimes you didn’t. Today appeared to be a didn’t, and he wondered if you had some kink of mirror sex kink because you were already near enough dripping for him.

Grinning, he lined up his cock and rubbed the tip against you, rocking his hips forwards and back in slow motions to let your juices coat his cock. The sensation has you gasping softly, causing your own hips to push back as you try and shift enough to find the right angle to get him to slip inside.

He lets you take control for a moment, watching intently as your pussy finds his tip, the engorged head slipping into your sopping entrance. Holding your ass with his hands, he slows your movements down and slowly penetrates you until he’s balls deep inside, breath leaving him in a slow and controlled exhale as you squeeze tightly around him.

His eyes roll slightly at the sensation and he can’t help but grip your ass harder, tutting slightly. As said, you’d already had sex in the last twelve hours and it had been two rounds worth. He’d been proud of himself for producing two performances like that in such quick succession but he had no doubt that you were feeling at least a little bit sore right now so he tried to go slow for you.

Turns out you didn’t want slow and a soft, keening whine leaves your mouth as you try to push back against him harder. Glancing into the mirror, he has to bite his lower lip to stay quiet as he watches the pleasure filled expression face back at him, your eyes screwed tightly shut while your mouth falls open.

The thrusts he makes into you might be slow, but they’re also deep and each movement has you jerking forwards slightly. It causes your breasts to rock with each slap of his hips against your ass and he watches, entirely mesmerised by the movement and wanting to see how you react when he’s fucking you harder.

“Hobi.” You mewl, the sound strained and yet oddly high pitched as one hand moves back to grasp at his hip, trying to pull him into moving faster in combination with your squirming ass and he brings down the flat of his hand on your rounded cheeks chidingly. The sound is loud in the quiet of the room but your inner muscles immediately grip in tighter, the sensation causing him to choke for a moment and his brows rise in amusement.

Well, someone liked being spanked. He was definitely going to remember that for future events.

Any hope he had of being gentle with you to avoid soreness is gone though and it’s clear to him that you’re wanting it harder and faster than he’s going. So he decides to give you it, his hips moving forward faster until the bathroom is filled with the lewd sounds of skin against skin, slick wetness, breathy pants and lust filled groans and moans.

“Come on princess,” He grunts deeply, kissing your shoulder before his arms slide around your waist. One pushes against the counter, giving him extra balance as he thrusts while the other dips back between your legs, the slippery mess there making your soft warmth even more delightful.

The combined touch of his fingers and cock increases your moans, though they’re more like vocal hitches of breath that whine with stroke inside you. Your own hand moves to press down on his own, rubbing furious, tight circles into your clit while he continues to slam into you. The wetness has to be leaking down your thighs now, coating your inner legs and the thought turns him on almost as much as the completely fucked out visage he gets to watch in the mirror.

Breath coming quickly, he pants into your ear before moving his lips down to kiss at your neck frantically as the pleasure in his groin tightens furiously, the need to move faster and harder so strong as he feels the impending release of his orgasm. He desperately wants you to come first, but sometimes that just doesn’t happen and he can’t help it as your pussy flutters around him once more, tightening viciously and he succumbs to the waves of pleasure that flood through his body.

A long and drawn out moan leaves his mouth, high and filled with pure satisfaction and carnal pleasure as he moves inside you slowly, pulling every bit of pleasure he can out from your warm depths before it feels too much for him. Hissing lightly at the overstimulation, he refuses to move as his fingers move back to your clit, rubbing at you in quick, fast movements that have you shivering in his arms as needy moans leave you.

Tiny movements of your hips as they gyrate and the clenching of your pussy has him whining quietly but he doesn’t move, determined to get you off as well. Sometimes it didn’t happen and you’d push his hand away, but this time you keep him firmly against him until your body seizes tightly around him, muscles stiffening before convulsions take over.

His cock slips from you in the midst of your orgasm but you don’t notice, not when his fingers keep moving and prolonging the pleasure until your hips shift away from his hand, the subtle movement telling him to let go. Heavy panting is all that remains in the room and he strips the condom quickly, throwing it away before wrapping his arms around you and hugging you to him tightly once more.

“Fuck...I was not intending that. I was trying to be good.” He mumbles against your shoulder, not noticing the way you give him a tired smile of affection in the mirror as your hand comes up to run through his messy hair.

“I didn’t want you to be good. I wanted you to fuck me good and hard, and you did. So thank you.” You murmur, turning around and pressing a kiss to his lips firmly. Neither of you move for a few moments, simply enjoying the post-coital bliss of an orgasm induced intimacy before Hoseok finally pulls away with a contented noise.

“Okay princess, now that we’ve got even more dirty...let’s finally take that shower.”

Hoseok finally manages to leave your house an hour and a half later, meaning that he’s running behind on his own internal schedule and he feels the slight anxiety that he always does when he’s not being on time. With three kids, he’s had to learn to strictly regiment his time if he ever wants to get anything accomplished.

Whether they obey or not is a different story entirely.

After getting out of the shower and pulling on some clothes, he’d then been forced to sit down on your couch while you cooked him a quick breakfast. The very idea of having food cooked for him by someone who wasn’t his mom was bizarre after so many years, but he’d enjoyed eating the over cooked toast and bacon more than he’d like to admit.

He’d originally intended to run out to the grocery store and grab the food for dinner before heading back home and cleaning everything up. Only you’d looked far too anxious about tonight when he’d been on his way out, shooting multiple questions at him that gave away your nerves and he’d felt sympathy swell.

It was easy for him to focus on his girls and worry about their reaction, but he had to try and remember that this meeting involved you as well. And you were at a severe disadvantage in that you are the odd one out, the one intruding into his family unit.

So he’d found himself asking if you wanted to help him before he’d even realised. Part of him felt bad about it as it meant that the girl would be coming home to someone they don’t know, but he figured that they already knew they were meeting you anyway. It would at least allow you to calm yourself down and get a little more comfortable in his home before you finally meet his daughters.

Which was why he was currently walking down the aisle of the grocery store, hand tightly entwined with yours as he pondered what to make for dinner. He was actually glad that you were here for that and he posed the question to you, causing you to hum lightly as you lean into him.

“What do the girls like?” The question throws him a little and he frowns, looking at the rows of microwaveable rice before glancing back at you.

“Well...what do you want to eat though? You’re the reason we’re having a special dinner.” He can hear the soft sigh you give, your head resting against his shoulder and his chest warms at the small gesture of affection. It might not seem much to others but to someone as romantically starved as him, it was unbelievably fulfilling.

Pulling away from him, you move back until you’re gently tugging at him to move and he follows you quietly. “No, we’re going to cook what your daughters love to eat because this is going to be an awkward time for them and their favourite home cooked meal will be one less thing they have to worry about. So what do they like to eat?”

His heart flips at the concern and warmth in your voice, causing him to smile as he glances down, tugging you closer and kissing your forehead quickly. “We’ll make lasagne, they all like that and it’ll give us plenty of food. You like that right? And I know you like garlic bread.”

You grin impishly at that, nodding enthusiastically and he chuckles. “I’ll go get the stuff for the bread, you get the stuff for the lasagne yeah? Should I…” A pause causes him to look at you with a raised brow, watching the indecision flutter across your face before carrying on. “Should I get them anything? Like...a present or...chocolate or something?”

“No, don’t get them anything. I mean maybe you should but...I don’t personally like the idea. I don’t want them to feel like you’re trying to buy their affection and love. Just...be yourself.” There’s a brief hesitation before you nod almost shyly, arm moving to cover your stomach in a protective gesture before you head off in search of the ingredients.

Time seems to move faster after that and before he realises it, it’s already time for him to go collect the girls from his parents. The house had been fully tidied and cleaned, though he’d wondered why on earth he was doing that when you were literally cleaning it with him but something he’d discovered today was that apparently you had a strange kink for cleaning.

Not even sexual, you just liked to clean. He’d laughed when he’d discovered that, your excitement at the Dyson vacuum cleaner he’d produced spurring on the new revelation and he’d proclaimed that he had a house that would bring you eternal joy.

Three children meant there was no such thing as a clean house, just organised chaos. And sometimes not even organised, just plain chaos.

But true to your word, you hadn’t uttered a single complaint and had instead sung loudly to the music he’d played on the speakers that were connected to his phone. He’d had a whole moment of affectionate bemusement as he’d watched you wiggle around the living room, singing while you even dusted for him.

There had been a few moments of quietness from you when you’d noted the pictures of Yoo-jin on the mantle of the fireplace. He kept a few dotted around the house for the girls and he’d worried for a moment that you’d feel jealous or annoyed.

Instead, you’d simply picked up the silver framed wedding photograph, taking note of the younger Hoseok in a suit and the pretty girl in a beautiful wedding dress next to him, both smiling so brightly with a small Soo-ah in his arms. It was his favourite picture of Yoo-jin and he still felt a bubble of love for her when he looked at it.

Which is why he hoped you wouldn’t be mean. And you hadn’t been, instead looking at him with a small smile and carefully placing the frame onto the floor before moving the others as well. “She was beautiful.”

And then you’d knelt down on the floor and carefully polished the frames until they were spotless, giving them a level of care and attention that had him having to leave the room so that you couldn’t see the tears in his eyes.

Once he’d recovered himself, he’d gone back in and sorted out storing the many toys away while telling you stories behind some of the pictures and preening ever so slightly over how you cooed over the photos of his daughters. Damn right they were cute.

Now though, he was shrugging on a jacket and picking up his car keys to go get them and bring them home. It’s only when he looks back round that he sees the way your shoulders are curled inwards, making yourself small while your hands cross over your chest.

Moving back over, he hugs you tightly to him before kissing your forehead as your chin rests on his chest, nerves evident in every part of you. “Hey, come on. It’ll be okay. Remember, if they don’t respond well tonight then it’s just the first time. Don’t take it to heart.”

“I know. It’s just...I don’t really know what to do, you know? Never met my boyfriend’s kids before.” A quiet laugh leaves him before he dips down, pressing his lips to your own in a quick kiss.

“I love you,” He turns around and heads to the door, knowing that you’re probably going to end up cleaning something else. Part of him wonders if he should have you leave and come back in half an hour but that seems stupid. So he shakes his head and opens the door, looking back at you and smiling. “Please, try and relax a little.”

“Okay. Love you.”

Pulling into the driveway, Hoseok takes a deep breath to fortify his nerves before glancing into the mirror to check on the twins in the backseat. His parents had, as expected, spoilt all three and the twin’s were coming home with Funko figures each to put on their shelves while Soo-ah had a ridiculously thick book of horse breeds.

One day, he worried that he might be expected to buy her a horse. He didn’t like horses, and he certainly didn’t want to own one. You were currently convincing him to let her have horse riding lessons and he was considering it as her Christmas present, but he still worried immensely that she would get hurt.

Still, she was slowly proving that it wasn’t a phase and he knew that he was going to have to relent sooner rather than later. He didn’t want to be the dad who stifled her passions and dreams, even if it could potentially cause interest.

“Okay everyone, we’re back. Now...as I said before, Y/N is already here. She helped me to make dinner and clean the house for you guys! So it’s all clean. Ideally, I’d like you to keep it clean but I know you rascals,” He eyes the twins at that and they both give him identical toothy grins. “Are probably going to mess it all up.”

“Grandma was excited.” Ji-eun blurts out, her expression mischievous as if she was fully aware that she was tattling on his own mother. He can’t help the smile that spreads as he imagines his mom gushing to them. She’d spent years now trying to get him to finally move on, so needless to say, she’d been beyond ecstatic when he’d told her last week that he was going to introduce the girls to you.

“Grandma needs to learn to keep her nose out,” He mused quietly before laughing. “Anyway, I’m just going to ask one last time...please be good for me? Be on your best behaviour and be polite. You don’t have to like her, but I did not raise rude girls, right?”

The stern look he gives the twins causes them to give him carefully blank faces as they nod slowly. He eyes them for a moment longer, knowing that trouble was never far with them, before turning to Soo-ah. She sits next to him in the passenger seat quietly, arms wrapped around the book and her hair in low pigtails.

“Soo-ah?” She tenses slightly when he says her name before looking at him, her brown eyes filled with so many emotions he didn’t understand. But despite all that, she nods slowly while her lips purse out.

Before he can say anything else, the twins are rushing out of the car and bolting over towards the door. He swore under his breath before getting out of the car himself, watching with resignation as they rush inside.

Looking back at Soo-ah, he sees her quietly getting out and closing the door in a much more gentler fashion than her excitable sisters. Hoseok can’t help but walk over to her, crouching down and looking up at her as he takes one of her hands gently between his own. The fact he has to look up at her now while crouching makes him sad, yet he’s so proud of her too.

“Soo-soo...if you don’t want to do this then you can tell me. You don’t have to meet her. I can ask her to go home, or I can take you back to your grandparents if you want. I’m not going to force you to do something that you don’t want to do, okay?” The only sounds for a few moments are the chirping of the birds in the trees that line the street and a car engine in the distance.

“It’s okay dad. She can stay. I’ll meet her.” His brow creases and he reaches up to run his hand down her hair slowly.

“Are you sure?” One more time, just to make doubly sure because he knows his daughter well. And he knows that she’s not entirely happy, but what can he do when she’s verbally telling him it’s okay? He’s giving plenty of chances for her to back out and he wouldn’t be mad at her. Sad, yes, but not angry.

“Yes daddy.” And with that, she heads into the house as well. He’s left to stand there, face grimaced as he wonders if he should just call it all off. But then he suddenly realises that you’re on your own in there, with his daughters.

“Shit.” He curses and runs inside, faltering in the doorway that leads into the living room. The twins are sat on the couch while Soo-ah is in the arm chair, all three quiet and looking at you like you’re something fascinating. They’re pretty relaxed whereas you’re stiff as a board in the doorway to the kitchen, a brittle smile on your face that turns into one of relief when you see him.

“Hey err...we’re back? Obviously. Erm, okay well. Girls, this is Y/N, my...girlfriend,” He doesn’t really know if he’s meant to be introducing you as that or just his friend, but they’d already figured it out the other night anyway. “Y/N, this is my eldest daughter, Soo-ah. And this is Ji-soo with her hair down and Ji-eun with her hair in a ponytail.”

“Hello Y/N.” The twins said at the same time, their voices light and whimsical and he almost hisses at how creepy they sound. They’re doing it purposefully, he can see the shine in their eyes because they know people find it weird when they do that. Soo-ah simply gives a polite hello of her own, dipping her head ever so slightly in welcome.

“Hi...erm,” He can tell that you’re struggling to say something and he so desperately wants to go over and place a reassuring arm around you. But he can’t, because he feels he should be with the girls instead. “It’s nice to meet you all. Your dad has told me so much about you.”

The sudden ringing of an alarm in the kitchen interrupts whatever else you were about to say and Hoseok jerks, eyes glancing behind you to the room. “Okay, girls...clean up and then come to the table. Be quick, we’re having lasagne.”

That gets a bright smile from all three as they jump up and rush towards the bathroom situated downstairs, eager to wash their hands before going into the dining room. You’d set the table earlier for him once he’d shown you where everything was and even now, you were helping him by bringing some of the food into the room.

His daughters were smiling in delight as he served the lasagne out to them, his own stomach rumbling at the smell and he realised belatedly that neither you nor him had eaten since breakfast. The plate you place down with garlic bread is soon emptied, with Hoseok making sure to grab two pieces and place one on your own plate.

It’s odd, having five people at the table instead of three, he thinks to himself as he sits down after handing you the plate with your own lasagne. All of them are used to it being just the four of them, with Soo-ah normally sitting next to Hoseok while the twins sit opposite. But today, Hoseok is sat at the end of the table with Soo-ah next to him on the right while you’re next to him on the left.

It unnerves him a little, taking this weird head of the table position but he doesn’t mention it as he takes a mouthful of lasagne. A quiet hum of appreciation comes from you and he glances over, chewing and smiling at the way your eyes close in delight.

“Daddy! Ji-soo has more than me!” Ji-eun complains before shrieking as her sister pinches her arm. Already, Hoseok has visions of a full fight blowing up between the two because if they’re not being sweet with each other then they’re having astonishing fights and Ji-eun is already turning around to retaliate.

“Hey! What did I say earlier? Best behaviour. Do not fight.” Hoseok hisses at them, eyes narrowing as he gestures a finger at them. Both girls slump down in their chairs, sauce covered lips pursing as they glare at each other.

And then, as always with their contradictory nature, Ji-soo carefully cuts a piece of lasagne and places it on her sister’s plate without a word. Ji-eun smiles happily and eats it, doing a little butt wiggle dance in her seat in victory and Hoseok has to fight the urge to laugh at them.

Glancing at you, he notes your widened eyes at his sudden rebuke and his cheeks heat up. “Sorry. You get used to it. They’re either working together to cause trouble or they’re fighting with each other.”

You nod slowly at his explanation before a wry smile spreads, eyes flicking back over to the girls who are now sat being good as gold. “It’s okay. I had a friend in high school who was a twin. They had the worst fights but you did not want to come between them. It must be nice to have someone who will always be there for you.”

“You know someone with a twin too?!” Ji-soo exclaims loudly, her pretty eyes going wide with astonishment and Hoseok doesn’t even bother to stop his laugh this time. They’d never met any other twins before and they knew from people’s reactions that they were pretty special.

“I did! I’m not friends with them anymore but she had a twin brother, not a sister like you two. They had a special language that they would talk in and only they understood it.” At that, Ji-eun is the one to squeal in excitement as she claps her hands.

“We do! Daddy hates it when we do.” He grumbles good naturedly at that, pointing at them with his fork before taking another bite of lasagne with a grin.

“Yeah, it was very strange listening to them. But that’s special though, it means that only you two will ever be able to understand it so it’s something that only you share.” They nod slowly, smiling brightly at your encouragement and his heart warms at how they seem to be pretty accepting of you so far.

His eyes flicker to Soo-ah who’s eating methodically, keeping quiet. She’s always been a quiet girl, but he feels like the silence is more oppressive this time and he chews slowly, wondering how to get her involved too.

You’re talking to the twins now about your favourite Marvel movie, because he’d told you all about their love of the superhero genre and it was a pretty easy way to win favour with them. It seemed to be working too, as Ji-soo was sidling up to you as close as she could get in her chair, her eyes stern with concentration as she discusses in her five-year-old language why she thinks that Black Panther is the best movie.

Which is then countered by Ji-eun’s outraged shout as she disagrees vehemently, proclaiming that the best film is obviously Captain Marvel because she’s a girl and she’s cool and powerful. It leaves him to smile as he rolls his eyes, you throwing your own hat into the ring with the suggestion that your own favourite film is the first Avengers.

He contemplates if he should have warned you about the fact that they’ll never stop talking now that you’ve shown an interest in their favourite subject ever. At least he’d never really mentioned their second passion lately which was Pokemon.

Admittedly, he was on board with both of these passions but he’d spent so long now discussing them with two overly eager daughters that the very subjects inspired more of a sigh than excitement. Though he would still be taking them to see every film that came out.

“Soo-ah, did you know that Y/N goes horse riding? She even used to do show jumping in high school.” He gestures towards you with an overly bright smile, hoping that discussing his eldest’s favourite passion would encourage her to engage with you in the same way.

All he gets is a sullen look and a shrug before she puts another forkful in her mouth. Despair fills him momentarily but he’s surprised when you take the initiative and take up the conversation he’d suggested. He hadn’t even realised you were listening to him.

“I did! I used to go to competitions on the weekends with my horse, Artemis. She was a really good jumper but I wasn’t very good with her unfortunately. We never really won anything but it was just for fun. Now I just ride whenever I get time. Artemis is pretty old now so we just go trail riding.” Hoseok smiles as your eyes light up as you discuss your horse.

He knew that you were expecting to lose her any time now and it would probably hugely devastate you. After all, you’d had her since you were only 14 and she was still here, 17 years later.

“Cool.” Is the only response he gets from his daughter and he has to bite his tongue in frustration. He’d known that she was going to be the hard one to crack, but he didn’t think she was going to be this cold about it all.

“I think you’d like Artemis, Soo-soo. She’s a...Dutch Warmblood?” He looks at you in question, relieved when you nod in confirmation before he’s smiling back at his daughter. “You told me about those, right? They’re supposed to be really good at that kind of stuff? Maybe, if you want, Y/N will let you ride her.”

“Of course, she’s really sweet and she’d be good for someone who’s never ridden. She’s old now but as long as you’re not mean with her then she’d be happy to take you round a ring. I think that you’d find her very pretty. She used to be dapple grey but is now just pretty much white.” You say with a smile, turning your head as Ji-soo asks if she can ride too.

“I don’t care.” Soo-ah says suddenly, her voice firm and raised and Hoseok looks at her sharply. Her cheeks are flushed while her brows dip inwards, annoyance and anger written all over her face. “I don’t care about your stupid horse or your stupid riding. I don’t care!”

The silence at the table is awkward after that and Hoseok feels numb, unsure what he’s supposed to do to resolve this situation. So he carefully places his cutlery down on his cleared plate and coughs quietly, giving Soo-ah a smile.

“Soo-ah, sweetheart. It’s okay-” He’s cut off immediately though, as if a switch has been flipped in her.

“Stop saying that! It’s not going to be okay! Because she’s going to come here and ruin everything! You’re going to forget about mom and we have to accept her! I won’t! I don’t care about you! I hate you!” She spat viciously at you but despite her anger, there’s tears brimming in her eyes and Hoseok has never felt more helpless. “I don’t want to talk to you! My dad might love you but I won’t! I never will! I love my mom!”

And with that, she slams her chair out of the way and storms out of the room. The thundering of her feet on the stairs as she runs to her room is soon followed by the resounding slam of her bedroom door and Hoseok feels stunned.

Blinking for a few moments, he watches as the twins faces crease slightly and he can see the tears in their own eyes as uncertainty and fear fills them. They glance between him, you and the doorway and he knows they don’t know what to do.

Are they supposed to be angry with you too, like their sister? He doesn’t want that, and so he clears his tight throat and smiles at them both, a little stiff but they still relax a little.

“It’s okay. Soo-ah’s...not happy about me bringing Y/N here. And she’s allowed to feel that, I’m not mad at her,” Okay, so he was a little bit as she’d just been incredibly rude and mean but it was already fading because most importantly, he understood her. “If you aren’t happy either, then you can tell me. It’s okay.”

Ji-soo looks at him, her beautiful brown eyes shining with unshed tears that she wipes away with a firm hand before shaking her head. “I’m okay daddy. Is Soo-ah okay?”

“She...will be. I’m sure. She’s just...it’s hard for her.” He smiles slightly, moving into Soo-ah’s chair to brush a few strands of hair out of Ji-eun’s face as she watches him quietly. Without even saying anything, she shuffles closer and leans against his side.

“Because she had mommy right?” The question is quiet and his throat feels so tight that it’s hard to swallow. They may only be five, but his twins are so smart and caring.

“Yeah, because she had mommy. So she remembers her, and she’s just worried. But we’re not gonna forget about mommy. She will always be important, okay?” He presses his lips to Ji-eun’s head, kissing her hair before looking at Ji-soo and giving her a reassuring smile.

They’re both quiet for a moment before nodding, and his heart swells with emotion as Jisoo turns to you and takes your hand in her own small ones. “It’s okay. We like you.”

He doesn’t get to see your reaction as he’s looking back at the doorway, wondering if he should go to her and check that she’s doing okay or just let her cool down. On the one hand, he doesn’t want her to feel suffocated when she’s obviously upset but at the same time, he doesn’t want her to feel like he’s abandoning her.

“Go.” You whisper and he looks back sharply, catching your eye as you gesture your head to the door. “It’s okay. Go.”

He stands up and goes to make a move before hesitating, uncertainty in him. You give him another nod and he lets out a deep sigh as his shoulders fall.

“I’ll be right back,” Hoseok smiles awkwardly, mouth stiff as he avoids your eyes. “Be good girls okay? I’ll be back in a few minutes.” He bends down and kisses the twin’s heads, taking in their expression to make sure they’re okay and feeling a bit of relief as their faces are cautiously neutral.

“It’s okay Hoseok, go check on her. I’ll be okay. I’m sure that we can find something fun to do, right?” You give him a tight smile, nerves evident as you look back at the twins with tentative hope. They’d reacted pretty well to Soo-ah’s outburst but he was worried that they might be mean while he was gone. But you give him a ‘go’ look and he knows that you can look after yourself.

So he heads out, feeling a little bad that he’s leaving the table but he has to at least check on Soo-ah. He isn’t sure if he’s supposed to be ignoring her or not but that feels wrong in his gut. She’s already worried about things he doesn’t even know yet, he’d rather not add to that by not coming to see her. At least she knows that her dad is always there for her, even when she doesn’t want him.

Her door is firmly closed and he stands outside it for a moment, hands clenching and unclenching as he’s unsure what to do now. This isn’t a conversation he really knows how to have, but he takes it as a positive really. It at least means that her life since Yoo-jin’s death hasn’t been too tumultuous.

Taking a deep breath, he raps his knuckles against the door quietly and leans forward, his ear almost pressed to the door. “Soo-ah? It’s dad...are you okay?”

Silence answers him and his stomach sinks. He desperately wants to go in and comfort her, make her smile or just talk to her about her concerns but he’s been very clear over the years about their personal space. A closed door means that he can’t enter without their permission.

It might seem a little extreme given young they all are, but as the only male in the house he felt it was necessary to set those boundaries. When their door was closed, he wouldn’t go in unless invited. They’d grown to be pretty respectful of that for him as well and he was immensely relieved at the high levels of trust they all had with each other all ready.

They needed to know that they had a space that was private and safe, only for them. Which is why he lets out yet another deep sigh, his forehead resting against the white painted wood. It’s at moments like this that he wishes Yoo-jin were still here, so that she can help.

A flash of guilt runs through him then, both for wishing that she was alive when it meant he wouldn’t be with you but also because he is here with his daughters and Yoo-jin isn’t. Swallowing, he pushes that thought away before trying again.

“Soo-soo...I’m not...I’m not mad at you. I know you, and I know that you’re not mean or cruel. You’re just...I know this is confusing for you, and it’s hard. I’m not angry, and neither is Y/N. We understand, but I wish you’d talk to me. Please, let me know what’s upsetting you exactly.” Hoseok really isn’t sure what he’s meant to be saying to her but he’s speaking the truth; he isn’t mad with her.

He was at first, when the biting words spilled out of her. Firstly because he was simply shocked that his daughter could be that rude and mean but then secondly because he’d seen the hurt that had flashed over your face at her blunt rejection. But that had gone quickly when he’d seen the film of tears that had glazed over his little girl’s eyes and he’d known that she only lashing out because she was confused and scared.

“Soo-soo…” His voice trailed off, uncertainty over what to do when he heard noises from inside and his heart jumped a little.

“Go away dad,” Soo-ah’s voice was strained and he could practically hear the tears, causing his face to grimace as his paternal instincts screamed at him to go to his hurting daughter. “Leave me alone.”

“Soo-ah...sweetheart…”

“Go away!” The words are shrill and he closes his eyes, feeling his whole body drain of energy as he recognises a losing battle. Well, no one can say he didn’t at least try. And at least he’s come to her, even if she doesn’t want him there. It’s not even one of those scenarios where she’s telling him to go away but he can tell she actually wants him there.

This is one of those times when she evidently wants to be left alone. So he will, for now at least.

“Okay Soo-ah, I’ll go. But I’m downstairs if you need me. Just come, or call, and I’ll come up okay? I’m not mad, you can talk to me,” He rests his hand on the door, trying to push through his love and affection to her. “I love you.”

With that, he lets his shoulders slump in defeat, waiting a few moments longer to see if she would come out before walking back down the hall. As much as he’d love to sit and wait her out, he has two other daughters that he needs to be worrying about. Two twin five-year-old’s, actually, who he’s left alone with you.

The realisation causes him to pause, eyes widening as he realises the carnage he could have potentially left you with. They’re handfuls with him, and he at least has the authority to ground them or tell them off. He can’t even imagine how easily they’re running you around.

Rushing down the stairs, he moves into the dining room only to pause in confusion, noting the suspiciously clean table. Heading through to the kitchen, he hears the dishwasher running and is even more confused.

The girl’s don’t know how to use the dishwasher, which must mean that you’d put them in there for him. Guilt rises immediately as he realises that you’ve cleaned up dinner for him, giving him one less thing to do. He appreciates it, but at the same time, he can’t help but think his mom would be scolding him right now.

You’re a guest in his house. Therefore, you should not be cleaning up after yourself. He should be doing that for you.

A sudden peal of bright, girlish laughter from the living room distracts him and he headed through the doorway in pursuit of it. The scene he comes across makes him pause in surprise, head tilting for a moment before a smile spreads and he rests his shoulder against the frame.

None of them have seen him yet, but the twins had you down on the floor with them as they showed you their expansive toy collection. Currently, they had the whole set of Avengers dolls along with others he’d bought for them from the Marvel collection. They were most definitely superhero girls, and currently they were fighting over who got to play as Captain Marvel.

Despite the fact they had three versions of her, but he’d discovered over the years that if one of them wanted something then the other wanted it twice as much. You were sat between them both, a bemused smile on your face as you held a Shuri and Black Panther doll in each hand, looking them over intently.

“Hey, hey! Come on now, let’s not fight, yeah? How about...neither of you be Captain Marvel because you’re both fighting? Why not be someone else? Shuri’s really cool,” You wiggle the doll with a grin, brows raising as you raise her arms up and pretend to fire lasers like in the film. “And then we’ve also got Nebula!”

“Nebula’s bad!” Ji-soo pouted, flopping down onto her butt and crossing her arms. Ji-eun pushed her immediately, laughing loudly as her sister fell over.

“Nebula’s cool! I wanna be her.” She grabbed the doll from you quickly and grinned up at you, pushing the sheet of black hair out of her eyes and behind her ear. He really did need to get their hair cut. It was a mess of tangles as usual right now, causing him to sigh as he knew how much of a struggle it was to get them to sit still and have their hair brushed.

“Nuh-uh, Shuri’s the best. She’s smart. I’m smarter than you.” Hoseok has to bite his lower lip to keep the chuckle inside that so desperately wants to escape as he watches your face fall slightly as they begin to fight once more. Welcome to his world, he thinks to himself, fully amused.

“Hey now, what have I told you both about fighting?” He says sternly, heading into the room and standing over them both with raised brows. There’s absolutely no need to look at you, because he’s fully aware that he’s using his dad voice right.

And he was equally aware of your thoughts about his ‘dad’ voice, given all the times he’d been on the phone with you and suddenly had to to tell them off, or when he’d given them their goodnight call when they were with their grandparents. It had made him embarrassed at first, to realise his voice changed that much but you’d just been thoroughly amused.

Ji-soo immediately smiles at him, rushing up to her feet and running over to him with Shuri clasped tightly in her hand. He laughed loudly and came back over with her, small hand clasped tightly in his own as she directed him to sit on the floor next to you. Looking over at you with a small smile, he leans over and whispers to you.

“Thank you for cleaning up, but you really didn’t have to.”

“Hoseok, I was alone with twin five-year-old’s that I don’t know. When I’m anxious, I clean. Besides, it wasn’t any trouble and they wanted to help.” His brows rose at that and he looked back at the twin’s, taking in the sloping noses that resembled his own so strongly.

“Wow...so it’s just daddy that you won’t help, huh?” Pressing a hand to his chest, he pouts dramatically in a wounded tone that has Ji-eun giggling as she launches herself at him and settles in his lap. She’s getting too big to be doing this, but he won’t complain. One day, she won’t do it all.

“Daddy said we have to be good.” His heart warmed at that and an immense flush of pride swelled deep within, pressing a kiss to her head in pure paternal love. Glancing back at you, his cheeks flushed slightly at the look of adoration you give him and he just knows that you’re internally screaming at his interaction.

“So. If you’re Nebula, and Ji-soo is Shuri...then what can Y/N and I be? What about...if I’m Captain Marvel?” Ji-eun gasps loudly, shaking her head furiously and he splutters out a mouthful of hair as her ponytail smacks him firmly in the face.

“No daddy! You can’t. You have to be Iron Man!” He lets out another gasp, not actually bothered because Iron Man was cool but he’d actually wanted to be Captain Marvel. The film was great, sue him.

“Why? Because I’m a boy!” Yet he doesn’t push away the Iron Man doll, he calls them dolls purely because figurine is probably too hard for them to say to right now. The red and gold figurine is well used, scratches and dents marring the plastic surface from the intense playing they’d given him over the years.

Which included seeing if he could fly by throwing him out of the window onto the drive. That would have just gotten an eye roll from him normally, except they’d thrown him with some force and he’d landed firmly on Hoseok’s car. Who would have known that such a small toy would cause such a scratch on the windscreen?

“No daddy, because Y/N can be Pepper.” Ji-soo hands you a doll, smaller than the others and from the Iron Man 3 film but just as good. You take it from her with a gracious smile but he can see the confusion in your eyes as to why you have to be Pepper Potts and not one of the other superheroes.

He doesn’t even think to question the fact that his kids that are doing that odd thing where they both seem to know exactly what the other is thinking.

“Why Pepper? Why can’t she be Captain Marvel if I can’t?” Playfully, he pushes at the doll in Ji-eun’s hands and she giggles sweetly, looking up at him with those warm brown eyes that he loves so dearly.

“Because Iron Man loves Pepper, and you love Y/N.” Well...there’s not much room for argument there really. His cheeks once more flush red as he steadfastly avoids your eyes, oddly embarrassed at his daughters for outing him so thoroughly to you. You knew he loved you obviously, but the easy acceptance with which they react makes him feel a little odd.

He doesn’t really know why, but he pushes it away and takes a deep breath. “Okay sweetpea. Now then...what bad guy are we fighting?”

Soo-ah doesn’t come down for the rest of the night, nor does she let Hoseok into her room whenever he comes to check on her. It fills him with worry and he knows that he spends most of the night looking at the ceiling in anxiety.

He knows that, because he’s had more than a few comforting touches or smiles from you throughout the evening. An hour of playing with the twins had soon turned into them sitting with both Hoseok and you on the couch while episodes of Pokemon played on the flat screen television.

They seemed to have got along with you pretty well, and while they certainly weren’t being overly accommodating, they had been open enough that he got the impression that everything was going to be pretty okay with them. You had enough common interests with them to keep them entertained and he had the added benefit of them both being influenced by each other.

So if one really liked you, then the other would come around soon.

Ji-soo in particular seemed to be the one that he suspected would latch onto you with a few more visits. She was already more than enamoured in the stories you’d told her of the places that you’d been over the years and he wondered if you knew that you were probably going to end up with two little shadows soon enough.

After a few episodes of Pokemon, he’d put on Detective Pikachu at Ji-eun’s request because you hadn’t seen it before and they found that to be a complete travesty. It had been around 8pm then and he was being generous in letting them stay up later than he normally would in honour of your visit.

The first hour of the film had involved you having to spend more time listening to the running commentary from the twin’s as they explained important plot points, or what they was important, and point out every little thing. He was pretty sure that you hadn’t actually been able to properly watch any of it, and he made a mental note to watch it again with you at a later date.

And then everything had gone silent. He’d been so invested in his own thoughts and worry about Soo-ah that he hadn’t even noticed until the credits were rolling and no one had complained about it.

Turning his head, he couldn’t help the smile that spread over his face as he took in the sight next to him. Something he probably hadn’t expected to happen for months, but evidently all three were more tired than he’d anticipated.

Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he quietly unlocked it and turned on the camera before taking a picture. Staring at his screen, he grinned and set it to his home screen and placed his phone on the arm of the couch.

Ji-eun was curled up next to her sister, her head resting on Ji-soo’s shoulder until their hair blended together perfectly. Ji-soo on the other hand, was curled up into your side, your arm resting around them both while your head had fallen back against the couch, all three sleeping quietly and he felt a ridiculous amount of warmth and love for you all.

Carefully, he stood up and lifted Ji-eun up as slowly as he could so as not to wake her. She made a soft little noise of complaint in his arms but didn’t stir, not until he was shifting her bed covers until he could get her beneath them. Ideally, he’d like to get her into her pyjamas and have her brush her teeth, but he knew that if he tried to wake her then he’d just have grumpiness followed by an inability to sleep for another few hours.

So this time, he’d let them sleep in their clothes.

He repeated the same actions with Ji-soo before giving them both a kiss on the head and whispering good night to them, turning off the lamp in their room and closing the door behind him while their night light glowed warmly. Heading back downstairs, he was left with the sight of you fast asleep on the couch.

Hoseok realised that he really, really liked the sight of you in his home like this. It was an odd feeling and he shook his head, moving into the kitchen and looking in the fridge. The dish of lasagne had been left on the side, some foil covering it as it had cooled and he looked inside casually.

There was one slice left, and without a word he put it into a small tupperware tub before heading back into the living room. Crouching down next to you, he placed his hand on your knee and pushed gently while calling out your name to wake you.

A quiet groan left you as you blinked blearily, eyes glazed until they focused on him. They were blank for a moment before filling with warmth as he smiled up at you. Glancing to the side, you frowned slightly at the missing girls and he laughed slightly, standing up and taking your hand to pull you up.

You wobbled slightly, leaning your weight against him as you got your balance but he took care of that by wrapping his arms around your shoulders and hugging you to him tightly. Neither said anything for a few minutes, just simply enjoying the feeling of being in each others arms and he wished that you didn’t have to go.

“Tonight was...good. I love the twins already, they’re...characters,” You chuckle against his chest and he can’t help but laugh in return as he nods. “But sweet. I really like them. And who knew you were this good at cooking hmm? Really got myself a man who can do it all huh?”

His cheeks burn bright red then as he makes a few protesting noises but you shush him loudly, leaning your chin on his chest to look up at him with an adoring expression. “I love you. Your family...is wonderful. I can feel the love between you all, it’s...really nice. Even with Soo-ah. I was a bit awkward but I can understand why she feels like that. I hope that she can come round to me.”

“I’m sure she will. One day. I’m not going to push her though. I feel bad about it because I knew she wasn’t okay with it, but she kept telling me she was. Maybe I moved too fast with it all.” You shake your head in response, tightening your arms around him and pressing a kiss to his chest.

“She’s a big girl, and if she tells you that she’s okay with something then you have to take her at face value sometimes. We all do things that we don’t really want to do. I get the feeling that she was trying for you and at least the ice is broken now. If she refuses to have anything to do with me then...that’s within her rights I guess. At least I’ve met her. Don’t beat yourself up about it, please.” He lets out a bone deep sigh before nodding slowly.

“Okay. Thank you. For today...everything. I...despite the thing with Soo-ah, I’m really happy. Like...really, I’m so glad that the twins seem to like you a lot.” Pulling away from him, you grin as you head out into the hallway and grab your jacket and bag.

“I’m glad that you’re happy. You deserve some happiness too Hoseok, remember that.” Nodding, he catches sight of one of the photographs of Yoo-jin on the wall and swallows thickly. You were right, he did deserve to be happy as well. Yoo-jin wouldn’t want him to wallow forever.

“Oh, you can take the last of the lasagne. This is not going to get eaten unless it’s by me having midnight munchies, and I do not need the extra weight.” Patting his stomach, he held out the container which you took with a bemused expression.

“You make out like you’re overweight Hoseok. You’re not. You’re cuddly sized.” The teasing in your voice causes him to roll his eyes but he just accepts you hug once more, the muffled thanks from you taken in gratitude as he takes a deep inhale of you.

“Be safe. Drive carefully. Text me when you get home.” You exaggeratedly agree to all of his demands before he lets you go, standing in the open door as you turn to him and pull him down into a goodbye kiss. It maybe goes on a little too long, but he doesn’t care.

“I love you.”

“I love you too. Text me.” He says sternly, wagging a finger in your direction as you head over to your car in the darkness.

“Yes dad!”

“Don’t start that again!” But his protest is pointless as you just laugh and get into your car, reversing out of his drive and pulling away. He watches until he can’t see your tail lights anymore before heading back in and locking the door behind him.

His usual nightly routine is followed after that, but after he brushed his teeth and had done his business in the bathroom, he heads back over to Soo-ah’s door and knocks lightly. There’s no answer, and he wonders if she’s gone to sleep.

It makes his heart hurt to think that he can’t resolve this tonight with her, but he decides that he’s going to try and heal the rift between them tomorrow. He has to. He can’t go on with his little girl being mad at him.

After a few more minutes of silence, he sighed heavily and turns off the light before heading into his own bedroom. He spends half an hour beneath the covers of his bed, scrolling through social media and the news on his phone. You haven’t texted him yet, and worry fills him when suddenly, a light knock reverberates around the room.

Sitting up suddenly, he frowns and calls out for whoever it is to come in. The door opens slowly and he’s met with Soo-ah, dressed in her pyjamas and her hair still in the pigtails from earlier. She looks shy and hesitant, her gaze on the floor as one hand crosses over the stomach, holding the doorknob firmly.

“Can I come in daddy?” Immediately he’s nodding, opening his arms to her and she quietly closes the door behind her before rushing over, climbing onto the bed and burying herself in his arms. Even in the dim light of his bedside lamp, he’d recognised the swollen red eyes of someone who has spent a long time crying and he coos to her softly as she wraps her arms around him tightly.

Laying back on the bed, he pulls her with him and kisses her head. “Soo-soo, what’s wrong? I’m not mad at you.”

“Really? I was mean though.” Her voice is more childlike than he’s ever heard it and his heart tugs for her.

“Yeah, I’m not mad. I mean...I wish you hadn’t been mean, but I know that it’s a tough situation for you. Y/N wasn’t mad either. I just...I wish that you would have told me that you didn’t want to and I would have told her to go home. You’re important to me Soo-ah, your comfort is important.” He whispers to her.

“I was okay with it, I swear. I was worried, because I don’t want her to take mom’s place. But I know you like her. And you’ve always been alone,” She pauses, burying her face in his chest while her small arms squeeze him tighter. “I tried, but...I just...I was angry. She’s pretty and smart and funny, and you look at her all funny and it made me angry because she’s not mom.”

Hoseok blinks a few times, trying to stop himself from crying as she blurts out all of her inner feelings. He can’t even imagine how hard this has all been for her, but he lets her continue.

“I want mom, I want mom because she’s pretty and smart and funny too but mom is dead so I can’t have her. But if you’re single then she’s still here. Y/N means that she’s not here anymore, because Y/N will be here and you’ll take down her pictures and then she’ll be our mom but she’s not our mom!” Her words are fast and staccato, not really making too much sense but he doesn’t say anything about it. She’s only ten, and she’s just worried and upset about everything.

“And the twins were being so nice and they didn’t seem to care! I just wanted to scream at them! What about mom! Why does no one remember mom?!” A hiccup soon turns into a sob then and he hugs her tighter to him, letting her cry out her frazzled emotions.

“No one is going to forget mom, okay? I’m not going to forget her and she’s not going to disappear from this house. She will always be here, because you and your sisters are here. There were always be pictures of her in the house for you and I will always talk to you about her, whenever you want. I miss your mom so much, and I still love her. My relationship with Y/N doesn’t mean that she’s going to be forgotten, because she isn't. She is important to all of us and Y/N knows that. She doesn’t want to take your mom’s place, because that place is your mom’s, like I said before.” Pressing a kiss to her head again, he swallows and contemplates how to continue.

“I won’t ever expect you to call Y/N mom, and neither will she. I know you Soo-ah, and I know this is hard for you. Harder than for the twins, because you got five with your mom. But don’t be mad at them. They don’t know any different than it just being us four. They never got to have mom with them, so to them this is all new. I just...I love you all, and I don’t want to hurt any of you.” The final sentence is whispered and he feels more than a little despair.

Silence falls between them for a while before Soo-ah speaks once more.

“Tell me about mommy. Was she nice?” He’s nodding before he even realises it, flicking through his memories of the 7 years he had with Yoo-jin before finding a story for her. And so for the next hour, he proceeds to regale his daughter with all the stories of her mom that she’d never heard before. Stories he’d forgotten over time, but now remembered so vividly.

Glancing at the photograph on the other bedside table of her, his heart hurts as he remembers his beautiful wife. Kissing Soo-ah’s forehead, he smiles down at her.

“You look just like your mom. I know that she’d be so proud of you, you’re such a good girl. I know that she loves you a lot, just like I do. Don’t ever doubt that, okay? No matter what happens, I love you and your mom loves you too.” Soo-ah’s eyes fill with tears once more and she sniffles.

“I’m sorry daddy. I’m sorry I was mean to Y/N. I don’t hate her.” He laughs softly, pulling her back into a bear hug and squeezing her until she giggles, the sound making his heart soar.

“I know you don’t. I know you Soo-soo, and you’ve got too big of a heart to ever hate anyone. She knows that too.” Soo-ah quietens after that and he hums lightly, some song he heard a long time ago but can’t remember the name of. It seems to be working as Soo-ah’s eyes droop closed and she fights desperately to stay awake.

“Tell her I’m sorry. I’ll be nice next time. I swear,” She mutters, voice thick with sleep and he grins and acknowledges it. “Will she still let me ride her horse?”

He desperately wants to laugh at that and part of him wonders how much of this is because she wants to ride a horse. But he’s not going to look a gift horse in the mouth, pun fully intended. He would give Artemis a big, juicy carrot whenever he saw her.

“She’d be happy to. If you want to, then I’ll let her teach you how to ride as well.” A tiny noise of happiness leaves his daughters mouth but she doesn’t say anything further, eyes closing finally before she’s fallen fast asleep.

He doesn’t expect this to be the last time she’ll have an issue with him dating you, in fact he fully expects more issues as she comes to terms with her feelings regarding the whole thing. But at least she came to him and told him what was upsetting her. And more than that, she had apologised for her behaviour. He wanted to apologise to her as well for putting her into the situation, but instead he was just going to have to make sure that he paid more attention next time.

For ten minutes, he simply enjoys the happiness he feels from the reconciliation with his daughter and the exultation he feels at the fact he’s not having to go to sleep with her angry at him. Finally though, he gets up and carefully takes her to her own bed, musing to himself how he ended up doing this with every daughter tonight when he hasn’t had to put Soo-ah to bed like this in years now.

When he gets back to his own, he sees the message icon on his phone blinking and eagerly jumps back into bed, turning the screen on to see that you had finally texted him.

[9:31pm] Y/N: I’m home :)

[9:31pm] Y/N: I stopped at the store and they had a 2 for 1 on your shampoo.

[9:32pm] Y/N: You can keep one here and take the other home :)

[9:32pm] Y/N: Also bought a candy bar. I’m eating it now. Mmmm

He grins at your texts and shakes his head before his fingers are flying across the screen, typing out his own response.

[9:35pm] Hoseok: Mean, you know I can’t eat candy

[9:36pm] Y/N: We established that was a lie yesterday Mr Jung

[9:36pm] Hoseok: :(

[9:36pm] Y/N: I’d share my candy with you :)

[9:37pm] Hoseok: Ha. Thanks. For the shampoo too <3

[9:37pm] Hoseok: I just put Soo-ah to bed. She came to me. Told me why she was mad. She says sorry

[9:38pm] Y/N: She doesn’t need to apologise! She’s allowed to be mad. Is she okay?

[9:38pm] Hoseok: Yeah, it was exactly what I thought. Worried about her mom. I just have to make sure she knows I won’t forget her

[9:39pm] Y/N: You won’t. I don’t want to take her place. Even though I kind of am but you get what I mean

[9:40pm] Hoseok: I do. And I love you for it

[9:40pm] Y/N: I love you too

[9:41pm] Hoseok: She also wants to know if you’ll still let her ride Artemis

[9:42pm] Y/N: Lol, of course!

[9:42pm] Hoseok: Kinda said you’d teach her how to ride too

[9:43pm] Y/N: Haha, again, of course. I’d be happy to for you :) and the twins if they want

[9:43pm] Hoseok: Thank you. I’m gonna sleep now. I love you <3

[9:43pm] Y/N: I love you too <3

He grins at the final message before placing his phone on the bedside table and looking at the picture of Yoo-jin and him on his own table. Smiling softly, he reaches out and brings it closer to him, rubbing his thumb over her face beneath the glass.

“I hope you’re okay with this baby. I’m sorry you can’t be here, I wish you were. I hope you’re not mad at me for being with Y/N. I think you’d approve though, I really love her a lot already and she makes me so happy. I miss you, but I hope you’re okay with me moving on. I won’t forget you though, like I told Soo-ah.” Placing the frame back on the table, he turns off the lamp and curls up beneath the covers with a sigh before drifting off to sleep, his dreams filled with his daughters, you and Yoo-jin as a happy family together.

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petri808 · 3 years

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@bnhahorrorweek Post apocalypse prompt/ non-quirk characters. Threw this one-shot together for this prompt. 🙃 Bakudeku. Sorry my edits suck lol.

It’s been two years since the world imploded and left survivors struggling to just stay alive. No one knew exactly how it began, but many suspected it was man made. When the United States declared war on China, and the world sided against the falling superpower, the country retaliated... soon stories began popping up about people becoming zombie-like and attacking with no hesitation as if all conscious reasoning was gone. The coincidence was how it started in areas being bombed by the U.S., first Asia, Europe, but as with most viruses, it spread quickly through the infected until there wasn’t a country on Earth left standing.

Izuku Midoriya was in his senior year of high school at the time, but once the virus hit Japan, chaos broke out. In the dense cities like Tokyo, it was like a wave washing through that quickly jumped to surrounding cities including Shizuoka where he lived with his mother. Within a matter of weeks the entire island country was engulfed by these soulless beings. He’d lost everyone he knew, his classmates, friends, and after a month of running, his mom when they’d been ambushed sneaking through the subway tunnels.

Perhaps it was his smaller size that was to his benefit. Growing up Izuku was teased for being a shorter, gangly kid, but when the goal was hiding, it became an asset. He was smart and a quick learner, who figured out the best ways to stay out of sight from the roving hoards. These things weren’t dead like most zombie movies tended to portray. The virus infected and destroyed the upper portions of the brain leaving just the brain stems that controlled basic life functions. It generally resembled a mutated syphilis strain, but 10 times worse with no cure, and no way to stop it once it took control. All the zombies knew to do was eat, and eat, and eat.

By the end of the first year, Izuku realized that constantly being on the move had some detriment, so when he came across an abandoned apartment building built with brick walls, he decided to create a fortress for himself. It took some time working only when the creatures weren’t around, but he reinforced the second floor apartments with steel and blacked out the windows. Once the outside was secured, Izuku broke through walls to connect the apartments together.

Maybe he’ll run into another survivor one day. There must be others, but since he didn’t travel far from his base camp, it was wholly possible he’d simply never come across one. Even now almost two years later, he was only a stones throw away from his original home is Musutafu. It was a lonely existence and there were many days when he wondered if it was worth it to keep living like this. Working on his new ‘home’ was the only thing that helped to keep his mind from slipping into depression, and he was quite proud of his accomplishments. Breaking through the ceiling, he managed to rig a pipe to the roof that collected rain water and funneled it into a plugged bath tub. Similar venting allowed him to build a make shift hearth for fires, handy during the colder months and to cook with.

They were truly back to the stone ages now. All the skills many take for granted, simple things like how to sew or forage for edible plants, he had to learn. No more electricity, meant no more quick entertainment, so he raided a nearby bookstore for things to read. Over time, Izuku settled in for the long haul, just concerning himself with finding supplies, keeping occupied, and most of all, not losing his sanity.

Until one day, while returning to his home, Izuku heard a noise and ducks low behind a broken down vehicle. It had only been a quick trip to a close by hardware store. He watched, readying his weapon in case of an attack. Crap! He’d left the fire going in the apartment for heating, so had the smoke attracted a zombie?

A human walks out from around some parked vehicles. At first he can’t tell if it’s a zombie or not, because the person’s attire hid their features. But the longer he watched their movements, the way they walked cautiously, with a backpack slung over one shoulder, Izuku started to wonder if it could be a survivor! It was a dangerous move to break cover, but after surveying the area and not seeing anyone else, he decided to get the persons attention. If it was a zombie there was still enough space between them to get away.

Izuku popped his head over the car and whistled once for 10 seconds. The person stopped and turned in his direction, but just stood in place staring. So he whistled a second time, while standing completely upright and clearly visible. He waved, signaling he was a normie, so the man lowers the hoodie of his jacket.

“K-Kacchan?!” He breathes out. No way! Of all the people to run into, but his long lost childhood friend?! The mans hair was a dirtier blonde now, shaggier and disheveled, but those red eyes were unmistakable. Izuku steps forward, slowly moving towards the man. “Kacchan, is that really you?”

“Deku? Pfft, figures you’re the first live human I find.”

Another sound, distant, but real catches Izuku’s alert attention. He grabs the man by the arm. “It’s not safe here,” his voice is low as to not attract attention. “Follow me, I’ve got a safe place.”

Possibly tired of travel, Katsuki Bakugou follows the smaller male into the secured apartment building. He watches in fascination as Izuku takes them through a stairwell with multiple metal gates that looked added on, until they reach the main entrance.

“Welcome to my home,” Izuku smiles and ushers Katsuki inside.

“Tch, not bad nerd,” The blonde surveys his surroundings. “You set this all up yourself?”

“Yup. Took awhile but I reinforced the top half of the building.” He shows Katsuki each room. “An area for cooking, this is where I gather and store rain water. So if you wanna take a towel bath you can. Here’s where I sleep, and finally my storage area. I think I have clothes in your size if you need something fresh to wear.”

“Think I’ll take you up on the bath first.”

“S-Sure!” Izuku grabs his friend a towel and hands it to him along with a fresh set of clothing. “I’ll be working on a dinner in the meantime,” he smiles.

“Thanks Deku.”

Izuku was on cloud nine! It’d been years, long before the apocalypse hit that he’d ever spoken with Katsuki in a civil manner. The man seemed to have mellowed out, but of course an event like this one was bound to change people. He was just thrilled to have found a survivor and even happier it was someone he knew. By the time Katsuki came out of the bath area cleaned and dressed, Izuku had whipped up a small meal for the two of them.

“Hope your hungry,” Izuku smiles and presents a plate to his friend. “I got lucky and caught a wild hare in my trap yesterday.”

Katsuki takes the plate and sits down on a rug. “How do you have fresh vegetables?”

“I grow them on the roof.” Izuku sits down across from the man with his own plate. “Tomatoes, sweet potatoes, mushrooms, and onions so far, but I’m working on soybeans too. Tell me Kacchan, where have you been all this time?”

“I was in Osaka visiting an uncle when this shit hit, then the bastards killed my parents last year as we tried to get back home.”

“I’m sorry Kacchan,” Izuku’s voice softened, “I lost my mom too a month after it hit.”

“Looks like you’re doing well though.” Katsuki looks around. “Seems a pretty safe hold out.”

“It’s better than the streets. Luckily the zombies are dumb. You know, you’re welcome to stay. There’s plenty of room for two people.”

“I don’t wanna impose...”

“You’re not imposing Kacchan. It’ll be nice to have someone to talk to aside from myself.”

“Alright, I’ll stick around since it beats the elements. Am I the first person you’ve seen?”

“Yeah, alive any way. I’ve run into people we knew but they’re all zombies now.”

“Tch, I mean to live now, then die as one of the last humans on this plant? This blows.”

“I try not to think about that and rather take any positive thing I can cling to.”

“Always the optimist Deku.” Katsuki laughs. “Even with a disaster you never change.”

As the hours grow late, Izuku suggests they pull out an extra mattress he has in the storage room for his friend to sleep on. But Katsuki points to Izuku’s Queen sized bed. “Why? We both fit, and besides it’s warmer this way, right?”

Izuku stammers as his face turns red. “I-I guess, as long as you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind, do you?”

“No.” He did, but it was just his nervousness over sharing a bed with a guy he once had a crush on.

“Good, cause I’m exhausted.” Katsuki slips under the blanket and pats the bed. “It’s late, let’s get some sleep.”

“O-Okay...” Izuku put out the fire and climbed under the covers, but turns on his side away from the man.

“Pfft,” Katsuki spoons up to Izuku, “supposed to keep each other warm remember,” he wraps his arm around and pulls the man close. “Nite, nerd.”

‘Ahhhh! What is going on?!’ “G’night Kacchan.” If this was how he’ll spend the rest of this apocalypse... guess it wasn’t so bad anymore.

#bnhahorrorweek2020 #bnha #bakudeku #post apocalypse #midoriya izuku #bakugou katsuki #bkdk #katsudeku #bakudeku fan fic #bakudeku fan fiction

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msjr0119 · 4 years

Text

The American Adventure

Part 3

Prince Liam and his closest friends are sent to a summer camp in America for a month, whilst in Cordonia the nobles are preparing for Prince Leo’s social season unknowingly to him. During their time there, Liam and Drake become besotted with the same girl- Riley Brooks.

A/N: For those who have read my series ‘Cordonian Wags’, there are a lot of similar themes in this series. However there has been a mix up with the pairings. I’ve completely changed my original plan for this series. Later on in the series it will include some canon from The Royal Romance- Book 1 (with a slight twist), as well as some similarities/quotes from the film “The Best Of Me.” This series includes present time and flashbacks to the past.

Book: The Royal Romance (A/U for majority of this series, some canon will be used but with slight twists)

All characters belong to Pixelberry apart from; Lindsey Brooks, Andy Brooks, Jackie Brooks, Nate Cooper, Lola Hughes and Bethany Hughes.

Warnings: PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNDER 18! Adult language, mention of depression suspicion, mention of domestic abuse, mention of character death (present tense).

Tags- if you want to be added or removed let me know; @drakexwillow @loveellamae @annekebbphotography @texaskitten30 @cordonianroyalty @bascmve01 @sanchita012 @princessleac1 @queenjilian @kingliam2019 @lodberg @rainbowsinthestorm @furiousherringoperatortoad @lovablegranny @j-a-82

Previously: Riley has been having counselling and the conversation was mainly about her time at summer camp from ten years ago. Then her heart is destroyed learning that her Uncle Bastien has tragically passed away.

****

Summer in New York hadn’t been the same over the last few years. Andy and Jackie Brooks, tragically passed away in a road traffic accident. The two of them fought hard upon the arrival at the hospital- however both lost their fight minutes apart. This tragedy shattered both Riley’s and Lindsey’s hearts. The two young women had lost their role models, their best friends. Unable to grieve properly, the two girls had decided to permanently closed camp until further notice as nobody was available to cover. Or offered to cover for that matter. Riley never went to college, all the dreams that she once expressed and shared with Drake were now non-existent. Instead she became a waitress/barmaid at a dive bar along with one of her closest friends, Daniel. Lindsey had managed to work her way up the career ladder, with Liam never leaving her thoughts - ever. Now the news about another close person in their life had broken their hearts into a million pieces once again.

After ending the call from Bastien’s estate attorney, Riley headed towards Central Park. Naturally it felt the best place to be. The very few times Bastien would visit them he had always insisted to take them there for a day out before rushing back to Europe.

After a few hours of ‘people watching’ in Central Park- Riley had a lot of time to think. To herself. The information that she had just unexpectedly received, still hadn’t fully sunk in yet. Lindsey had filled up her notifications screen with all the missed calls and texts- all Riley could respond with to her sister was two simple words “I know.”

Lindsey had attempted to persuade her sister to go to her house, so they could grieve together. Not alone. In Riley’s heart she wanted nothing more than to visit her sister- however her mind advised her otherwise. For her own safety.

“Where the hell have you been?”

“The park.” Avoiding the true events of her day, it wasn’t a total lie. “Also, I received a phone call with some bad news.”

“What now, Riley? Another attention seeking act?”

“It’s not an act. Or attention seeking. My Uncle has passed away. I have a meeting with his attorney on Monday morning.” Holding in the tears, proved to be a difficult task. Even though she didn’t really love her husband, right now she felt the need for a hug off of him. Or something similar at least. Instead all he provided her with was the gesture of his eyes rolling back and the slamming of his tumbler against the glass table causing her to flinch. A regular reaction.

“Well you will have to cancel that meeting. We are going away, meeting up with the Darlington’s. You’ve already embarrassed yourself infront of them- don’t have the audacity to do it again by going awol. I’m going for a drive.” Riley looked at the empty bottle of whiskey on the table- knowing full well that he will have consumed it all in a small amount of time. An hour? Possibly two if he drank it slowly.

“You’re going to kill yourself one of these days.”

“Baby, I’m invincible. If I do, you drove me to it.”

Not responding, she was unsure as to what he would do if she did. Instead, she decided to clean away the empty bottle and the tumbler with the residue of whiskey still lingering. Taking a step outside, the air was cool for a summers night- focusing on the brightest star in the sky- all of her emotions finally escaped. Wiping her cheek, she whispered to herself- “you said you’d never leave me when my parents died. You promised me, Uncle B. Like someone else- he promised me that he would keep in touch. No matter what. I was foolish to think that a summer fling could turn into more, like Mom and Dad. I was afraid of telling you why myself and he stopped talking when you and I spoke on the phone. Mainly incase you decided to hunt him down and kill him. But now, I wish that somehow- Drake Walker would contact me. That’s never going to happen though, is it?”

****

In Cordonia, the last ten years had been something that Liam never had expected. His older brother had abdicated the throne. Now he was the Crown Prince, being forced to marry for a political reason. For the last ten years, he had wished that he could see Lindsey just one more time, explain to her the truth about his identity. She was always on his mind, even with noble women throwing themselves at him at every single opportunity. However, this didn’t bother him in the slightest.

When they had returned to Cordonia after that summer in New York, Drake felt like he had lost a limb. As much as he avoided her in the beginning, their relationship slowly turned into something more than long distance friendship. The first time in his life, he had fallen in love at such a young age. Even since Riley, he hadn’t made much of an effort with women. Now he was going to have to inform Liam about Bastien’s last wishes. Returning to New York City.

Hey, Li. Can you come to the cabin? I need to talk to you.

Sure. I’ll get Glen to escort me. Is everything okay?

You’ll find out when you get here.

*****

Drake began pacing the room, waiting for Liam. Wondering if he would attend or not. Eventually he turned up, looking regal as ever whereas Drake looked like a caveman who hadn’t shaved in years.

“So what’s up?”

“We have to go back to New York. Bastien’s last wishes. Here read this...” Drake purposely scrolled past the part regarding his past with the King Father. His hidden past with his best friends father. The untold secrets. Unable to articulate what his true thoughts regarding the impromptu trip were, Liam provided Drake with a soft smile instead. After the events that had occurred recently, he was unsure whether or not that they would all be safe. Liam’s court wasn’t out of harm’s way in their own country, what would the situation be like in another?

“Li? If not I’ll go on my own. I don’t mind.” You’ll be fine, you’re a King. Tragedy can not occur again! Liam’s inner voice attempted to make him not think negatively. Instead of elaborating on Drake’s words, he focused his eyes onto the photos that were displayed. Photos that were taken when life was ‘easy’.

“If only we could turn back time? That’s a lovely photo of the two of you. I think that’s the first and the only time that I’ve seen you smile....” Pausing, he noticed that Drake had become mute- knowing full well that his friend didn’t want to think about or discuss the ‘what if’s’. “Do you think that we will ever see them again?” Liam queried, knowing it was a ridiculous thing to say.

“I highly doubt it. But there is one person that we need to locate before we go....” Riley? Lindsey? Deep down, Liam thought or rather hoped that Drake would mention at least one of those names.

“Leo.” Sighing, the King provided his trained stoic expression- not wanting to provide any inkling at his disappointment of Leo’s name being mentioned.

“I’ll get Glen to attempt to locate the missing Prince. Are you sure that you are okay, Drake?”

“No, I’m not Liam- okay? The one person that protected me throughout life isn’t here anymore. My family- they are non existent. And you see that picture......” Pointing to his and Riley’s selfie, Drake couldn’t prevent the tears from rolling down his cheek. For the last decade all he felt was guilt.

“That one person would have given anything to protect and love me. What do I do? I promise to keep in touch with her, no matter the circumstances. I let her down. I let her go. It’s my fault that you also lost contact with Lindsey and are having to go through all of this shit. Why couldn’t I have died instead of Bastien?”

“Because he simply gave his life up for you.”

“Li, you don’t know the half of what Bastien gave up for me. Or did for me.”

“What do you mean?”

“Ignore me. It doesn’t matter, your Majesty.”

****

Liam wished that Drake wouldn’t hold everything in- he knew there was more that he needed to confess. But didn’t want to force it. Glen entered the cabin, to try and help Liam locate Leo- as Drake believed he was useless and unable to help he stepped outside and took a slow walk towards the lake. The one place where he and Bastien would have their heart to heart conversations. Back in New York- Riley was doing the exact same thing. Thinking back to the last personal talk she had with her second father figure was the time at camp when she was sent to the isolation cabin.

****

“He did what?” Riley just shrugged her shoulders, she knew that what she had informed her father about wasn’t a riddle. It was quite clear. Nate had punched Drake first and had avoided punishment as he did it in a sly way.

“Riley, just go to where you need to go. I’ll sort Nate out possibly tomorrow but I’ll talk to Drake now.”

.......

Andy arrived at the cabin- they had all expected him to show up with Riley as she was Daddy’s little Princess. When she wasn’t there, they all knew where she was.

“Is Drake in? I’d like to talk to him in my office.” Maxwell escorted Andy towards the room that Drake had barricaded himself in. Everybody had been asking questions about his face, lying he assumed that he had convinced them that the ‘falling over’ excuse would be a success. Covering his face, Drake allowed Andy to escort him to his office- upon arrival Bastien stood dormant with his arms folded.

“Drake what’s happening with you? You are always falling over recently.” Riley had enlightened Andy about exactly how Drake had received his most recent injury. When they arrived, Andy believed that Bastien would be able to gain the full details out of Drake. But now his mind was thinking overtime with his best friends comment.

“Sir, this wasn’t an accident. My youngest daughter, Riley...” Keeping the link between them all hidden, Bastien gave a slight nod- knowing exactly why Andy was acting as if they were all strangers. “....Explained that a fellow camper did this to Drake. It wasn’t a fall. It wasn’t an accident. He was defending my daughter like a true gentleman.”

“Drake is that correct?” Nodding, he didn’t want to go into anymore detail. However he didn’t want to seem like a pushover to his friends. “Andy, thank you for your time. I’ll deal with this if you need to sort the little fucker out.” Drake’s eyes widened at Bastien’s description of Nate, usually he would be more professional- more polite. Now he was panic stricken that next time he saw Nate, it wouldn’t result in only a black eye.

“I think that you and I need to talk young Walker... over the years, the injuries... were they not accidents either?” Remaining silent for a while, Bastien eventually became frustrated as time went on without a word muttered between the two of them.

“Drake! Answer me! I promised your father that I would look after you. If you don’t tell me I can’t help you.”

“No they weren’t accidents, Bastien. I lied. I’m sorry.” Kneeling down, he looked into Drake’s eyes- reassuring him that he would be there always. “Who did it to you, son. Tell me.” Drake removed his shirt, Bastien gasped as he could visibly see markings. Old ones. New ones. “The Ki-the King did this....”

Drake explained how every time he stood paralysed with fear, attempting for his body not to tremble as it would result in more abuse. “He was embarrassed.... that he had to take myself and Savannah in. Every time I avoided doing noble things he would shout at me, saying I was lucky that I had him ... asking why I was ungrateful. Why I couldn’t act noble like Sav?” Explaining all of this felt like relief in some way. That he didn’t have to hide the abuse from everybody. The ‘sulky’ attitude that he had helped cover the true facts about his personal life up. Describing how the King would have bloodshot eyes, as well as the thick saliva that formed around his mouth as he spat towards him. Once he was in this rage, Drake just responded with a gesture such as shaking or nodding his head or one worded answers- fearing what would occur if he said anything ‘wrong’.

“He threatened to put me up for adoption if I didn’t abide by his rules. There are blanks, half the time I don’t remember things. But he just acts all normal as if nothing has happened. I want to leave Cordonia as soon as I can, Bast. But what would people think?” Bastien at this moment in time didn’t care what other people thought. In the back of his mind he was furious and beyond upset with the unexpected confession provided- but bit his lip not willing for his true feelings regarding the matter to appear.

“Don’t you worry about it. You have me. I will not allow him to hurt you again. You hear me? Go back to the others. I need to go and see someone.” Debating whether or not to leave him alone, Drake pulled Bastien in for a tight hug- explaining how much he appreciated him and never wanted to lose him.

“You’ll never lose me, I promise. Oh by the way Drake, I think that Andy appreciates you defending his daughter. But she can look after herself. Trust me. She’s stronger than she looks.”

“How do you know?”

“Instinct. Just like instinct tells me you wouldn’t defend any girl. I know how young men’s minds work. Oh also, Riley punched Nate. See you later, son. I’m only a phone call away. I love you.”

.....

“Hello, Riley.” Riley answered the door of the isolation cabin. To begin with she believed that it was her father- giving in to punishing her.

“Erm, Liam. You’re not supposed to be here. You need to go now before my parents see you!” Raising his eyebrows up towards her, a little bit of the rebellious Rys attitude appeared from nowhere.

“I got lost on my walk. No one needs to know the truth. Are you okay?” Pulling him through the threshold, she didn’t want him to be punished too for her previous actions.

“I’m fine. At least I get a bit of peace and quiet here.” Nervously giggling, this was the way she always hid feelings. A this moment of time, she had a mixture of those feelings that needed to disappear whilst she had company. The hated towards Nate. The growing feelings towards a stranger. The disappointment in herself for becoming a ‘boxer’ short term.

“Listen, tell me to mind my own business if you feel the need to... ‘Nigel’ as we all call him now, he’s not worth your time. Anybody’s time for that matter.” Stepping closer towards her, he removed a stray piece of hair from her face to behind her ear. Having this close contact made her heart flutter in an instant as he began to caress her rosy cheek. Leaving it lingering there, the two of them remained in silence for a while.

“You’re beautiful, Riley. You deserve better. Don’t allow him to hurt you in anyway.”

“Okay Prince Charming, no need to call me beautiful to make me feel better.” If only she knew. Liam thought as he silently chuckled to himself.

“You and your sister are beautiful young women. I’m not trying to charm you, I’m telling the truth. If he hurts you or anybody again.....”

“Thank you. But Nate won’t do anything again- I can assure you of that. Regarding your charm.... You guys are, what I suppose the equivalent to beautiful is.”

“Well I could understand you calling me good looking. But hyper Maxwell and sulky Drake?” Blushing the minute he mentioned Drake, Liam noticed immediately. Trying to read her facial expression, she daren’t make eye contact with him.

“Have you got something that you’d like to tell me?”

“No! Why would I?” Knowing she was lying not only to Liam but to herself- she wished that involuntary gesture of the blush didn’t provide the truth. “Okay, Nate was criticising me... Drake defended me... I asked him to meet me but he never showed up. Then when I found him he confessed that Nate had hurt him....because of me.”

“So I assume that’s why you did it back to him? Do you have feelings for Drake?” Asking this question, he didn’t really want to know the answer- of course he would be happy for his best friend. But he still had those conflicted feelings ever since meeting both Riley and Lindsey.

“Even if I did, it doesn’t matter. He hates me one minute- then the next he’s being my knight in shining armour. Can we change the subject please? There’s Monopoly if you wanna play... I mean you’ve already gone awol - what would another hour matter?”

“Oh... I’d love to. But at home that game is banished in my household...” Following the British royal family tradition, Constantine had also agreed that the board game shouldn’t be played.

“Why?” Riley asked whilst wearing a confused expression- not quite believing his story.

“Erm.... it just becomes vicious. It causes too many arguments. So my parents made a joint decision to not play it.”

“I promise that I’ll play fair. Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone that you’ve played...” A mischievous grin formed on her face, before reaching for the box. Liam couldn’t help but agree to play- just this one time, he promised himself.

After an hour or so playing, Liam really enjoyed himself. Having the freedom to break the usual royal rules. During the game, they became comfortable within each other’s company. Liam confessed that he honestly thought he would fall for Riley but now he had met Lindsey he wanted to get to know her more. Due to this, Riley warned him about the ‘do’s and don’ts’ regarding her older sister- then Liam did the same regarding Drake.

.......

Bastien overheard two familiar voices coming from inside the isolation cabin; his goddaughter and the ‘good prince’. As far as he was aware Liam always stuck to protocol- never once acted like Leo. As Liam left, Bastien hid behind the tree- he knew his responsibility was to protect the teenagers from Cordonia, but whilst he was in the States; the Brooks’ sisters were also his priority in his mind.

“Hey, baby. Can I come in?” Riley gestured for him to enter, wondering who would be next on her visitor list. “I know I’m not your father, but keep those fists down next time. Years ago I taught you self defence. Not for you to be a fighter for the sake of it.” Riley avoided eye contact with him, feeling as if she was a small child that was about to be sent to the naughty step. Feeling guilty for saying his words, he sighed before continuing. “Listen, I love you. I don’t want you becoming hurt. So just leave the fighting to us men if and when required.”

“Okay, I’m sorry. I’m not a kid, Uncle Bastien.”

“You’re 15. Soon to be 16. That’s still a kid in my eyes. Stay away from Nate and stick close with your friends and the people from Europe. They are kind and loyal. Well the men are, the two woman aren’t.”

“And how would you know?”

“Your father.” Bastien regretted lying to her, but it was part of his duty to keep not only his job role a secret but also the identity of the nobles from Cordonia.

“Can you keep a secret, Uncle Bast?”

“You can tell me anything, sweetheart.”

“I... I think that I like one of them. I don’t know. I just. I want to get to know him better, just by talking to him. He stood me up before, I was furious but then I knew the reasoning why. He’s only here for a month, but..... I’m being silly aren’t I? I need to stop thinking like this.” When Riley began talking Bastien automatically assumed that she meant Liam - now he understood that she meant Drake. The boy that was practically his adoptive son.

“Drake is... he’s...” Practically my son. You’re my goddaughter. For fuck sake.

“Grumpy? Arrogant? Handsome?”

“I wasn’t going to say that... he seems like a lovely young man who would protect you in a heartbeat. But he doesn’t live around here. You can have a summer fling if you really want to but it can’t really be more than that, Ri.”

“I know... but Mom wasn’t from New York. But my parents have an amazing bond and relationship...Just ignore me. I’ll try not to fall for him just because of the circumstances. Although.......Liam, the blonde one- is trying to make a move on Lindsey. We are both going to end up heartbroken if we follow our hearts aren’t we?” As much as Bastien wanted to allow them all to live happily ever after, he knew that it would be virtually impossible.

“Maybe? Or maybe in the future fate will find a way. We don’t know what our future holds. But I suppose we need to grab every opportunity as if it’s our last. I’ll pop down and see you in the morning, okay? I love you.” Maybe just maybe, Liam could marry for love as Eleanor once hoped for. Drake deserves happiness after all of the shit that he has been through. Could Lindsey and Riley be their happy endings? They would be better than people such Madeleine and Olivia. No. One thing at a time Bast, get them through the summer camp without any scandal occurring first. After leaving Riley, all Bastien could think of was everything and anything that had been discussed.

****

“Drake! There you are! Where have you been?”

“Sorry, I just went to the lake. Must have lost track of the time.” Liam knew the reasoning why. Bastien and Jackson would take himself, Leo and Drake there quite a lot during their childhood. It was the place where Drake was taught to fish- the only time that he outshined the two princes in an activity.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, Li. I just needed some air. What’s the matter?”

“Glen thinks that he’s found a lead on Leo. Whilst he’s on the phone, he’s found a few numbers for the two of us to contact. I’ve tried a few but had no luck. He suggested not using our personal phones. There’s two more numbers left, here...You ring this one and I’ll ring the other in the other room.” Liam smiled softly as he passed his friend the number. Without a word, he exited the room- eager to find his brother to complete his ex head guards wishes.

****

Riley was grateful once her husband arrived home- unscathed. Not that she was thrilled with his actions, but it was better than viewing his body in a body bag. Assisting him to their bed, she grabbed the spare blankets and made her way over to the guest room. The alcohol smell surrounding him made her feel nauseous, as it had done the last few weeks. As she finally got settled and comfy, her phone rang on an unknown number.

“Hello?” Not hearing a response from the other end of the line- she shook her head believing that it was somebody with the wrong number. Or somebody’s sense of humour with pranking people.

“Hello? Is anyone there?” The heavy breathing and ignorance from the mystery person frustrated her eventually. “Listen arsehole! I’m not in the mood for childish games. I’ve got a block list that is as long as my arm and that began ten years ago and is now going to end with your number. Last chance, who is this?”

“Riley?”

The line cut off.

#choices trr #theroyalromance #trr fanfic #riley brooks #Liam Rys #Drake Walker #bastien lykel #Riley x Liam #Liam x mc #Riley x Drake #drake x mc #mc x Bastien #tw abuse mention #tw swearing #tw depression warning #tw character death #long post #read more link never works

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mindofharry · 4 years

Note

harry leaving you for your bestfriend and you're contemplating pain upon yourself and harry loses it

:’(( suicidal thoughts, depression and anxiety mentioned in this blurb !!!

y/n had always been good.

she let people cut in front of her at the store. she’d smile to random people when she had a bad day. she would help kids find their parents. she would help her elderly neighbours with their groceries. she would never say no to date because then she wouldn’t feel so alone. she would always surround herself with people so she wouldn’t have to go home. she always stayed at the library on the weekends. she went to church on sundays. she commented nice things on people’s instagrams. she never judged people. she never did one bad thing.

so why did this have to happen to her?

She had been so kind to everyone. she had done everything in her power to be a good person. so why was she getting thrown away like stale bread? why did she ever think that he would love her, the way she loved him? how could she ever think she deserved even a day of happiness?

the words replayed in her head as she sat in her bath. “I’ve found someone else”

something you don’t want to hear in a long term relationship. Harry and y/n had been together just over a year now. she had thought everything was going well. they laughed, kissed and obviously they had their fights. but they were ok. weren’t they? she had looked back on all of the memories of him she could remember. the good and the bad. but nothing could of ever prepared her for this. her heart had been broken multiple times. but never like this. y/n felt as if her heart had stopped beating. like she had died. She felt as if she was drowning and no one could save her.

“her names Rebecca Davis”

then y/n let out a sob. She thought the pain couldn’t get any worse. but it did. the name of her best friend rang through out her ears. her best friend of 10 years had got her boyfriends heart. The thought alone made y/n sick to her stomach. how could they do that to her? After all she’s done for them? helped Rebecca with money and boy problems. Studying with her and cleaning her apartment. helping her get a job interview and swapping report cards so her parents wouldn’t kick her out. and y/n did that because they were friends. but now looking back she was a push over and manipulated into some puppet.

Y/n had stayed silent the whole time Harry had talked. explaining everything in immense detail for her to try and understand. but she won’t ever understand. how he could love her in the morning but then tell her he’s in love with her best friend. y/n had said one thing to Harry before walking out of the room.

“i don’t think I’ll ever understand you Harry. But I do hope you’re happy. I’m not one to hold a grudge. I like to give people multiple chances. but you are not one of those people. so don’t come running back to me when she starts draining your bank account or complains too much. I’m done treating people with fucking kindness harry. because this is what I get in return. so get your stuff and get the fuck out of my house”

Harry had sat there in shock. he had never heard y/n speak that way. y/n was the most precious and kindest person he had ever met. someone so selfless and would do anything for someone she just met. but things change. and y/n had finally had enough of the bullshit this world kept giving her.

so she contemplated things.

would anyone miss her if she just ended things?

everyone could just easily replace her she thought. All her problems and hurt would be gone. she could finally live in peace.

so she stood there a knife at her wrist ready to do it. ready to bleed out on her bathroom floor. she wanted to so badly. she wanted it all to be gone. but she couldn’t do it.

A loud sob let out from her mouth as she put down the knife and held herself. Her whole body shook as she cried. eventually she left the bathroom and picked up her phone calling her mom.

“I need help mom. please help me”

she was put into rehab which was totally her decision. she needed this. she had been needing to let it out. Harry and Rebecca were just the thing to break her.

Harry had come to visit her when he found out she was gone to rehab. Rebecca has cried all night to him. how it was all her fault. and that she should’ve known. but Harry couldn’t help but think that all of this was his fault. he had broken her.

so when he sat down with her he didn’t expect what came out of her mouth.

“it’s okay Harry. you found love. and although it isn’t ideal that it was my bestfriend. I’m ok. I’m more than ok now”

Harry had immediately smiled happy that they were ok. that he didn’t have this guilt on his chest anymore.

“so we can be friends?” He asked with a smile.

she sighed messing with her hands. she shook her head.

“bad things always happen to good people. I understand that now. but we can’t be friends. I have made piece with what happened. But you caused too much pain. And I will never forget that”

“goodbye haz”

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lockedstuck · 3 years

Text

beyond our fury and our silences

2021, 04/17 - Sollux Captor

You envy the patients on the unit who have a “normal” to return to. You never have, and never will. You’ve had periods of more gentle oscillation, like high school as opposed to the jagged highs and equally disruptive lows of your undergraduate years. However, you haven’t been “normal” in terms of psychopathology since you were a kid.

Dr. Vandayar suggests that perhaps your childhood years did a number on your sanity, though not word for word. He’s way more polite about it. You kind of want to hit him for it.

Your dad did his absolute best to raise you, all seventy hour weeks to afford summer camp for gifted kids and SHSAT prep classes. So did your mother, teaching you math and history, even if she was psychotic, even when her mental landscape frequently shifted like sand on the beach.

Once, when you were maybe ten, she came home an hour late from a quick run to the grocery store five blocks away. She explained, gentle yet adamant, that people had decided to follow her home, and she did not want them to know where she was going. What if they’d decided to rob her? Your dad sighed. He pressed a kiss to her forehead.

She sat at the dining room table later, repeatedly drawing pictures of seashells. When you sat down next to her, and pulled your chair close so that you could see her work, she started to explain the Fibonacci sequence to you. It wasn’t hard to understand adding the sums of the two previous numbers together. She launched into another explanation of the not unrelated golden ratio, and you just sat there and let her go on for a while, even when you didn’t quite understand.

She took out a nautilus shell that she had fashioned into a necklace, showed it to you, and wound up giving it to you. When you asked her why, she smiled and shrugged. You continue to wear it underneath your clothing.

Perhaps you’ll give it to Feferi when she gets discharged, given her love of all things aquatic. At this rate, she’ll probably get out before you do, what with the nine ECT treatments you still have to complete.

Out of nowhere, Roxy walks over to you, and you glance up at her. You know by now that whatever comes out of her mouth will be either offensive, amusing, or both.

“Aradia’s on the phone for you, Lispy! Hey, could you tell her something for me?”

You stand up and stretch, fingertips toward the ceiling. “What is it?”

“Tell her that her voice is really cute, but that she’s way cuter in person,” she replies. “Wait, hold up. Tell me she’s not straight. Is she straight? I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.”

You don’t know whether or not to answer truthfully. You should probably ask Aradia about that beforehand. You walk over to the pay phone, and put the receiver to your mouth.

“Ray? Is that you?”

“Hey, Sollux,” she says. Then, a pause that stretches into infinity, or ten whole seconds at the very least. “Is it okay if I visit tonight instead of tomorrow? One of my students is actually attending my office hours, which--”

“--overlap with my visiting hours,” you finish. Maybe you should have let her complete her sentence.

You’re tetchy and impatient, the first thing having been induced by your session with Dr. Vandayar, and the second by the fact that next week will mark one whole month since you arrived at this hospital, and what precisely do you have to show for it?

Roxy’s almost completely weaned off methadone and will probably leave next week, to go to inpatient rehab. June is going home the Monday after next. Feferi got here the same day as you and will most certainly be gone the same week as June. Eridan will be gone before you finish out your ECT treatments, since his conclude next week, as will Karkat, Porrim, and probably even Calliope. The only person who may not leave before you is Latula, and although she’s perfectly kind, you don’t know her very well.

You didn’t realize how long you’ve stewed in your thoughts until you hear Aradia ask, “Are you still there?”

“Yeah. You said you wanted to come tonight as opposed to tomorrow. That’s fine.”

“And what about you?” she asks.

You shrug.

“What about me?”

“Are you fine?”

The only person you suck at lying to more than Aradia is your father, and your dad is only leading by a narrow margin. That may be why you signed a HIPPA release so that your treatment team could talk to both of them.

“I had a weird therapy session today. Normally I get along with my therapist, but today I almost wanted to punch him in the face.”

Aradia asks if you’d like to talk about it, and your kneejerk is to say, “hell no”, but during another therapy session a couple of days ago, Dr. Vandayar stressed the importance of not being unwilling to depend on one’s support team. As vaguely annoyed as you still are at him, you did concede the point on Monday afternoon.

“I guess it was because… well… fuck, I don’t know how to explain this without sounding like an asshole. He didn’t actually say anything that wasn’t true, but maybe it was the way he said it? I don’t know. I’m sorry, Ray, I’m rambling all over the fucking place.”

“Don’t worry about it. Go on.”

“He pretty much said that my situation with my parents could have contributed a lot to why I’m all fucked up in the head. Not currently, but like, before, when I was a kid. I was like, where exactly does this guy get off making that kind of judgment? And then I was like, dude, you weren’t there, you didn’t see it, so how do you know? ‘Cause my parents, they did the absolute best they could with what they had. I mean, I didn’t say that to him, but I felt it. And I felt angry at him about it.”

A long silence, one that you feel sink down to the pit of your stomach.

“Well.”

“Well, what?”

“I get that you’re upset, but Sollux, it’s not like this is something you’ve never said to me.”

“But Aradia, that’s different. I was there. So were you, for parts of it. You’ve met my parents a billion times. But aside from a few conversations with you and Baba, Dr. V barely knows anything about my life. For him to say it like that… I don’t like it. I don’t know why, but I don’t.”

“Because it seems like he’s judging people and events he hasn’t had the opportunity to witness first-hand.”

“Yes! Exactly! That’s it!”

It feels like an indictment against your family, and if you are anything to a fault, you are loyal to Mituna and your parents. All of them came together for you, the youngest, the most successful. Even being here, unable to provide for them both emotionally and financially, feels like the worst blow in the world.

You shouldn’t be here getting the memory zapped out of you in some last-ditch effort to quell your mania and depression. You should be outside working, seeing to the needs of someone besides yourself. You should be meeting Aradia at her apartment every other night, helping her clean out her apartment, which quickly devolves into chaos, ashtrays full of spent cigarette butts, and dishes piling up in the sink, as she scrambles to finish up her master’s thesis.

Because if there’s one thing you’ve learned from your father, it is that you are what you contribute, and being here, seemingly unable to contribute anything, might just be the worst sensation in the world.

You’re alone with yourself here, face to face with everything you hate about yourself, with all your aspirations and all your neuroses, and you hate it, you hate it, you hate it, you want out so badly. But what if they don’t let you leave and you end up at your mother’s worst fear - involuntary status? If four weeks of hospitalization seem like hell, what about sixty days, your fate handed down via court order?

What if that knee-jerk desire to 72 hour letter yourself away from thrice weekly therapy sessions is just another trap? What if you leave and try to slit your throat again? What if you actually succeed this time around? Who the fuck is going to take care of your family?

It all comes down to that.

You’d rather like to bang your head against the wall until you either make things clearer or knock yourself out.

“I’ll be there tonight, Sollux,” Aradia says, suddenly. Not for the first time, you wonder if she can read your mind and tell when you’re starting to decompensate more than usual.

Aradia gets there long before six o’ clock. In fact, you notice her tell-tale garnet-colored blazer, as you look through the small rectangular window in the door of the main unit, sometime around 5:20. A woman in a small black dress stands not far away from her, and once you notice her carefully coiffed blonde hair, you walk over to the women’s side of the unit and loudly knock on Roxy’s door.

“And what can I do for you?” she asks, removing the headphone radio that has all but been surgically attached to her head. “Do you have news about Aradia’s sexual orientation?”

You roll your eyes at her, more to keep up appearances than an actual rebuke.

“Your mom’s here,” you reply.

Roxy seems to consider this, then picks up her stuffed cat from her bed and pads into the hallway. Calliope waves at you, the light on their side of the room switched on so they can write. You wave back, then follow Roxy back to the main door of the unit, to resume your little vigil.

You stand without word or gesture, a good six feet away from the door so the night staff doesn’t bitch. They seem to have given up on Roxy, who stands only two feet away from the door and jumps up and down as she waves to her mom. Her mom waves back, though in a more sedate fashion than her child.

You rather like Ms. Lalonde, honestly. It’s hard to dislike a family member who comes so often. According to Roxy, she only misses Mondays for work related reasons. You think the only person who has her beat in terms of visiting is June’s dad, who has yet to miss a day of seeing his daughter, at least during your stay here.

After about ten minutes of furious waving, Roxy starts doing the YMCA with her arms. Her mother actually returns the motions.

Aradia glances at her, cracks up, and giggles helplessly, which makes you smile.

When they finally start letting visitors in, Aradia steps behind Ms. Lalonde without a word. Aradia signs the book after her, and then Mr. Egbert signs after that.

Maybe he smuggled a whole ass lemon meringue pie onto the unit. You’d probably kiss him if he did that, and you’re pretty sure macking on your friend’s hot dad is frowned upon in most situations.

Aradia walks into the unit, and it’s only a moment before you’ve scooped her up into your arms. You’re so skinny that Karkat calls you a walking skeleton comprised of caffeine and spite, and Aradia has more curves than a parametric equation. You still manage to pick her up so her toes momentarily leave the ground, pull her close, and kiss her forehead before you let her go.

She interlaces your fingers with hers.

“What table are we sitting at tonight?” she wants to know, gazing at the sea of round wooden tables in the dining room.

“The one by the window, in the corner,” you decide, after a moment’s thought. The chairs are heavy, so they can’t be thrown across the unit by angry patients you suppose, but you pull out your chair and sit down easily enough. It occurs to you that maybe you should have pulled hers out, but she gets the job done.

You sit right beside her, and before you can think on it, you let her pull you close. Your head on her shoulder, and your arm thrown around her back. It’s not the most comfortable position, but she smells like lilies, cocoa butter, cigarettes, and home.

You bring to mind all the animal skulls on her shelves, all the volumes of dead poets stacked haphazardly around them. Everything has been arranged to display her fixation on things that have shuffled off this mortal coil, for the exception of the flourishing plants on her terrace.

Her arms come up around your shoulders, and she scoots over so the position is more comfortable for your lanky ass. She presses a kiss to your temple, and then to the shell of your ear. You smile in spite of yourself.

It occurs to you that you have not had a self-loathing thought since she arrived.

It’s easier to not hate yourself when someone who would either try to refute or talk you through your issues sits beside you, singing softly.

“Tastes like strawberries on a summer evening. And it sounds just like a song...”

You snort. “I had no idea you were so fond of Harry Styles.”

She stops singing for the moment, but you’ve already started to hum the next part of the song, while she explains where she first heard it.

“My neighbor used to like to sit on her balcony and listen to the radio while I talked to my fig tree. It was on constant replay on Z100. And it’s catchy. So I sang it. A lot.”

You imagine Aradia as she sings, the long dark curls of her hair unpinned the way they usually are when she’s at home, moving along to the music as she waters her plants. It’s a nice mental image, the kind you wouldn’t mind getting lost in.

Here is one way you might safeguard yourself from the impulses and the dorco razor-blades.

You can’t watch Aradia bustle around her apartment if you’re not alive. You can’t help her, or your dad in their gardens - why do so many of your loved ones have an affinity for plants when you can barely keep a cactus alive - if you’re six feet under.

You also cannot remind her of her own neglected tasks - “Aradia, c’mon, you have to wash these dishes, there’s fuckin’ fruit flies here, I hate fruit flies.” - and then watch as she makes a meal with the newly washed dishes just so that she knows you’ve eaten that day.

You think she’d give an approving nod to your thoughts.

“Hey, Sollux,” she says. You glance at her face, the anxiety written across it.

That won’t do. You never liked seeing her worried about anything.

“Yeah, Ray? What’s going on?”

“When you get out of here, after all your treatments are finished, I was wondering…”

“Wondering what?”

She exhales slowly. She takes your hand in hers. You let the warmth suffuse through you.

“Would you like to move in with me? I know you need to be close to your family, but it’s just the F to the 7 train to get to Flushing.”

You consider this. You’ve known Aradia since the sixth grade, and you are now twenty-seven, which adds up to something like sixteen years of friendship. Aradia knows you like nobody else. Not even your father.

She’s handled your weird mood shit and chronic suicidality with more skill than some clinicians you’ve had. In return, you’ve kept her alive - her parents coddled her to a fault, and she had next to no idea how the world outside academia functioned - and helped her through her occasional bouts of clinical depression.

“You’ll take me to Essex Market and get me that bougie vegan cheese?” you ask.

There are more questions, several in fact, that you need answered before you give her a decision, but you’ll start with the inanities and work your way up to the logistics.

“When have I not?” she replies.

You snort.

“How much am I going to pay in rent, for one?”

Aradia seems to consider this for a moment.

“For now, nothing, since you’re not working, and I’m already covering my rent with my job,” she says. “But once you get a job, I’d like you to kick something in. Not too much.”

“Where would I even sleep?”

“The couch in the main room is a pullout. And even If you wanted to sleep in my room, I think I have enough space for another bed.”

You think it over, and some traitorous part of your brain bristles at what is essentially charity from her. Her family - comfortably upper middle class - must be helping her with rent. There is no way in hell that she scored a one bedroom near Bowery on her salary as an adjunct professor. You don’t know what they’d think of letting you live there, or maybe you do, and that’s why you’re hesitant to accept this. They’ve come to actually like you, but you’re not eager to test out how far that goes.

She must sense your hesitation. She once more interlaces her fingers with yours, and lets out a small sigh.

“At least think it over, Sollux.”

“You know I will.”

“I think we function better when we’re in the same place than when we’re not.”

You grin. “You know it.”

The other thing that gives you pause consists of your own confusing feelings about her.

Some days you want to kiss her senseless, peel her out of that red jacket, the black tank top, the long gray skirt. You want to see her, and only her. You want to shed your t-shirt and skinny jeans and have her see you. You want to hold her, press against her, and have her return the gesture. Your longing to be as close to her as humanly possible sweeps over you like a wave, and you have never been known for any particular skill at swimming.

Other days, you just want to sit next to her and make fun of her when she sings Watermelon Sugar. Or like the time she forgot her umbrella at home, a torrential downpour decided to strike and you had to run to the Second Avenue F train station and hope you got there in time to catch her. Still, more recently, the pair of you playing video games and swearing at each other with a giant container of mapo tofu between you. You want the easy rhythm of your close friendship, something familiar, and easy to navigate.

Most of all, you’re afraid. You’re afraid that if you take the plunge and alter the parameters of your relationship, that you’ll lose her entirely if things don’t pan out. And where the hell would you be without her?

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sweet-xoxo-thatcares · 3 years

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Just found out Grandma has cancer and she's moving in with the hospital bed package I helped put together today at the house.

The lady says she weighs less than 100 pounds and needs an oxygen tank.

This don't even feel real.

I'm helping the lady setup the bed, lifting stuff, and cleaning out the bunch of clothes and junk that nobody uses and it really didn't kick in...

It still hasn't.

My heart Andy hand was shaking as I had to sign the delivery note.

Not even a "Good luck with your Grandma" or "Condolences to you and your family" I told the delivery lady she had cancer and we're talking about it like its a happy topic on the news. She had music to keep her going as she picked up stuff off the truck. I wanted to tell her come back, wait...like are you sure you got the right house?

Like are you sure mom and dad or grandma isn't playing. Cause I haven't seen her in like a month. My clothes and stuff is still at her house in Grand Rapids.

And I don't wanna run into any arms. Like I don't wanna hear nothing but silence for the next 3 or 4hrs.

I'm trembling, shaking, paranoid.

I almost had a panic attack after that lady left. Well let's be real, I did.

But the fact that everybody else in this family is acting like this shit is normal and everybody wants me to behave....I can't say or do shit about it.

Like my room is connected to her room. Imma have to get used to walking past her bed just to use the bathroom. And eat?

I don't even know if I will, cause here's the thing....mom and dad are most likely gonna put me on duty. And last time when I spent a week with her, taking care of her...I was so stressed out, that I didn't even eat.

And cancer did pop in my head as a worst case scenario, because we had no clue what she had and she seemed ok when I got kicked out in March.

She avoided doctors and the hospital for years after her surgeries. I just....

I don't even know if I wanna know what stage she is at. Cause last time I stayed, when we had that argument, she wasn't eating too good, cheeks sunken in, I knew something was wrong. Even her house, her dishes were all piled up with black mould on em from being in the sink of dirty water too long. It felt like we stepped into a resident evil house from that one in the country. Even momma said that's not like her, because old ocd Clara, does not play about cleaning dishes. Soups did her no good and she was only getting down like 2-4 pieces of watermelon that daddy had brought. And her house in the summer is hot as heck, so I'm glad daddy had bought her that air purifying fan. She just did not go to the hospital. She said no for the longest when we offered to take her.

I'm glad she finally said yes.

But I don't know how far along she is. Everything has changed so much in less than a year.

I don't even know if I'll be the same after this. And I got a giant ear and toothache that keeps creeping in when I get too stressed like this.

I pray I stay away from drinking. Cause my hallucinations get worse after drinking...I really need to see a psychiatrist about that.

I just hope mom and dad don't start fussing again at home, it's already tight, mom is still going through alzheimers grief with our other grandma. Like she forgot her name already once. And these two strong black women that I grew up on are near 70. Clara, with cancer 67.

I don't even know what my father feels about this and that's what scares me the most. Cause he's mostly been the type to say he's okay, doing fine or alright if I ask him how he feels, buy he doesn't ever really change unless something super pisses him off...like cars parking too close when there's empty spots, drivers doing wide turns, people walking 8 ppl wide on the sidewalk at an amusement park or public event.

Or if he gets into with momma, but they haven't fought as much since I left in March...

But idk. With those two both on edge, the only time they can talk about emotions in a calm way is when they drink or go out to the bar, eat some wings, and get some drafts going while watching the game.

But that was younger dad, and this is now. Now...I assume he's gonna do a lot more golfing...

Idk how they're gonna manage us helping out.

But I pray I find my own job and apt soon. I wouldn't wanna live in chaos. Nor do I wanna fight about it either with my family, that have been known to push duties on me without really helping or noticing the people pleasing problem I learned from serving them all these years. I've never been allowed to say no to my mother and father. They always get upset with me when I do.

I don't wanna go through this alone, but as God showed me the ppl who really were a bad influence on my life, I don't have many friends to rely on to support me and pour my heart out too. After being hurt even when I dealt with the aftermath of that fight with mom, I found myself alone much more often than I thought. Missing the wrong ppl.

I'm not making that same mistake again. I'm not gonna make that silly mistake and call a guy only for him to take advantage of me sexually. I'm not having sex or making out with anybody unless we're committed to each other and he's already proven he's with me for love and not just sex.

Cause there are nice guys who try to outsmart women who would rather have sex after commitment, only to play them after giving the gf title.

How the fuck did I get to this topic, and I just found out Grandma Clara has cancer and we don't know how long for or what stage she's at?

See how far my mind overthinks in critical situations like this?

Now I'm off to watching Kenny Rogers cause I'm feeling a country craving right after I just cried my tears and helped clean her room, assembled her bed..

Ppl don't usually prepare for having a family member you didn't expect to take care of for cancer, it sorta feels low, because I don't know what to expect when she comes tomorrow...I don't know exactly what's gonna happen, but I pray I get a job close by so I can at least have a place to stay away from my already crazy home, and get moving on goals and dreams.

But I know why I feel so obligated to leave and to stay for grandma in flint...because I don't know what's going to happen to her or to me. And she's been apart of me for such a long time. She used to be the only person who understood me when I would get to sensitive or have depression, separation anxiety, seeing or feeling dead people, reading dreams intuitively together. Me and her was like the grandpa off of Roald Dahl's Willy Wonka story. She was the older version of me, and nobody understood me like her. Everybody else in my family would make fun of me for being like her. Whenever mom thought I did something that reminded her of Clara, she'd called me by her first name "Clara." Cause she raised me awhile when dad and sometimes mom went to work. Daddy at football games in college, but I think he had to drop out after me....I kinda thought back and thought I was a burden as the reason why they always seemed to overwork me so young as the oldest. Put a smile on your face and go to your room to cry. Kinda like cinderella. Well grandma Clara said it....she always worried about that when she visited.

Her personality was similar to how Ms. Lisa was on Sister Sister. Ms. Talkative, except her favorite color was purple 💜 and she always had an ego, and intuitive perspective on alot of things. She could see things as if she knew what was gonna happen next, like predicting a chess move. Very determined, independent, she hates being wrong, and she'll bark her mouth off if you tried to debate with her. She liked dressing up and going out. But when she's frugal, she'll cook something at the house. Oh, and she loved sweets. And she loved to talk.

I mean lots. I would say our usual was 2hrs, but that was so long ago. I definitely feel the change settling in. Only time will tell.

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notinthemaps · 4 years

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Know before you go and what I’ve learned from traveling:

It’s not a race. I was always so bummed about the number of countries I’ve been to compared to other people my age until I understood that the number of places visited is not what traveling is about at all. It’s not important about how many places you’ve been but the depth you’ve explored them. I have been to some beautiful places all around the world that I am insanely grateful for and it’s incredibly toxic to compare my journey to others.

Traveling is an absolute privilege. Before you spew “everyone can travel, it can be done so cheap!” recognize where you come from.

Before you book that trip to Haiti or Cambodia to “go build a school” or volunteer at an orphanage, research the hidden harm that is involved with your short term stay. Your good intentions can actually be causing harm within these communities.

This also accounts for volunteering at animal and wildlife sanctuaries as well. You could unknowingly be volunteering at a place that secretly participated in “canned hunting”. So many sanctuaries have been accused of this in the past and I’m sure they’re still out there. Now, not all places are bad, just make sure your money and time are going towards something that will really help ethical animals and wildlife sanctuaries. This is where it’s important to do your research.

Clean. Get rid of shit. Simplify to the necessities. Pack light. The weight of your luggage is equally proportionate to your misery while traveling. I’ve learned this the hard way.

You have the power to choose love. Always choose to love.

Stop the exploitation of animals as you travel. Meaning the Luwak cafes in Indonesia where you drink the coffee after the Luwak has digested the coffee beans. Stop swimming with dolphins, participating in lion walks, taking photos next to chained up tigers, riding elephants, camels, and donkeys/mules. These animals are most likely not taken care of very well. There have been times where I have been guilty of giving in to attending these places because they sound great (who doesn’t want a photo with a lion next to you?) but in hindsight, these attractions are most likely incredibly unethical and there’s a lot of physical/emotional harm that is involved with the training the animals.

Reduce your use of plastic abroad.

Going alone is okay. If we all waited for someone to travel with us, we’d be waiting for a very, very long time. So, please go even if you have no one to go with. There are millions of people all over the world that are just waiting to meet you. Some of them you’ll meet in a hostel room and you’ll end up spending the night walking through the street markets, some of them you’ll meet at a bar and discover new corners of a city you didn’t know existed, some of them you’ll meet sitting on a bench at a bus stop and you’ll end up sharing the best coffee you’ve probably ever had, some of them you’ll meet watching the sunset on the beach and you’ll end up sharing stories and laughing with them until the morning and some of them will end up being your best friends. And sometimes you’re going to be alone and going on tours, to the movies, or to restaurants sounds scary to do by yourself at first but soon enough you’ll learn that it is completely okay to be alone. Solo does not mean lonely.

Don’t say you don’t like anything until you try it more than once.

Save your change.

One of the most reassuring things in this world is that you are never stuck anywhere. You are never unable to leave.

Don’t avoid taking care of your mental health when abroad. Traveling is exhausting and not always rainbows and butterflies. Your mind and body are still important.

Write about your favorite moments, your least favorite moments, ideas, people you’ve met, strangers you’ve walked past on the street, favorite quotes, words to remember, what the sky looked like at 7pm, new songs you’ve discovered and what they mean to you, places you want to go or places you’ve been, write about your passions, how you feel in this exact moment, draw out the mountains, scribble all over the pages. And when that one gets full, buy a new one. Reread it in 2 years, 20 years, when you need a good laugh, when you’re upset and can’t get out of bed, read it to your children. You need to remember these moments in your life. They are so important.

Spend less time on social media. It’s no secret that social media is addictive and it’s really good at taking away precious moments. It’s important to not be glued to your phone or laptop while abroad. Social media will always be there for you when you get home.

Traveling is overly romanticized. It is very hard work. It does not solve all the problems that you have at home. And traveling is not what it looks like on Instagram. Please don’t feel bad because your experience doesn’t feel the way that it looks like it should on Instagram.

When you’re eating, really taste your food. Talk to the locals. Immerse yourself fully into this new culture. When you’re out hiking, let go of your phone. This is how you’re going to get the best experience possible. Live in the moment.

Take photos. It is physically impossible to remember all these moments in your life. Someday down the road, maybe when you’re feeling a little depressed or bored, you can grab your camera and scroll through these photos that’ll remind you of some of the best times of your life. Ask permission before you take a photo of someone. Ask permission to post it on social media (if these are your intentions) and let them know 1,000s of people will have access or will be seeing these photos. Remember: kids can never consent. Just don’t take photos in orphanages or schools. It’s really important to be respectful. People are not props.

Usually, no one wants to hear more than a few sentences about your trip when you come home other than your mom. And the references you make months after your trip, “when I was in...” will sometimes result in an eye roll. Shake it off. I know it can be hurtful but it’s best to just keep it to a minimum for your own sanity.

It’s okay to look like a tourist. Visit the big touristy places and take your picture pushing against the Leaning Tower of Pisa. You’re not better than every other traveler just because you skipped the popular areas.

Learn the basics of the language before you go. “where’s the bathroom? how are you? what's your name? My name is..” Always remember it’s your fault for not learning the language of the country you're in, it’s never anyone else's fault for not knowing English. Keep the language barrier frustration to a minimum. Hand gestures, a smile, and patience can go a long way!

You’ll probably get sick at some point. Be prepared for it with a little first aid kit! It’s always a good idea to have insurance.

It’s important to not judge the way in which other people travel. I’ve met people who have planned their travel to the point where they do not participate in any tourist activities and live off one meal a day and then I’ve met people who pay for every excursion in every city they go to. And I find my initial thoughts to be “...but why?” and I eventually snap out of it and realize it’s not my place to judge how people travel. Everyone experiences places in their own unique, meaningful way. And I mean who really cares if someone is traveling the world full time on mom and dad's money? It doesn’t affect you.

Cheesy souvenirs are never worth it. Collect sea glass, your train tickets, plane tickets, maps, stickers, and coins. Chances are those Colosseum magnets you bought in Rome were really made in China. Support the locals if you’re going to buy souvenirs.

Slow down.

Google the tipping etiquette within the country you’re visiting before you go. Some places it’s rude, some places it’s the only income someone has. Don’t be the person who “didn’t know” when the information is a 5-second google away.

Jetlag freaking sucks but it happens to all of us.

Be prepared to be uncomfortable and be open-minded. You’ll probably wash your clothes in a bucket or sink, sleep in dirty beds or on airport floors, be forced to eat with your hands even though you’ve never done it or go without toilet paper for weeks at a time! It’s all apart of the journey.

The world is not as bad and scary as the news makes it out to be.

Nothing will ever go as you expect it to. Plans go out the door. I learned this the hard way. In fact, I am sure every traveler has learned this the hard way. You’ll miss flights, you’ll get flat tires on road trips, you’ll end up spending a lot more money than you expected, you’ll miss buses, you’ll have to run to trains to get to them on time, I promise you’ll have a dead battery when all you want to do is call mom to make you feel better, the hostel you wanted will be full, your dumb airline will lose all your luggage, things will get canceled and you’ll spend many unexpected nights crying but despite all the struggles that traveling brings upon us, it is always worth it. The tears, sore shoulders and blistered feet are always worth it. There’s no point in getting mad that your plan fell through.

We are all going to make mistakes as travelers. We have to become better researchers and better listeners. Ignoring the requests of locals or the cultural differences is absolute ignorance and another example of flaunting your privilege. Just because you are a tourist and contributing to the economy of other countries does not mean it’s okay to be disrespectful and act as you please. However, we’re going to make mistakes and it’s important to not beat yourself up over it. What’s important is how we respond. Don’t be scared to ask questions.

#traveling #me

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sp00ks-odyssey · 4 years

Text

Okay part 2 here we go

Day 2: The Confession (Slow burn though Stitches isn't really good at believing that someone feels things for her[Kinda like our lovable Ink Sans but he isn't gonna be like that in this one]}

Also I wanted to keep the name Stitches instead of using my real name if that's okay with everyone.

I decided to make Point of views for both Stitches (me) and Ink so you guy's can know both sides of the story,

I am sorry if Ink's actions in this one is off and OOC-ish and I'm sorry if you guy's hate his personality,

If I said something wrong in French i’m terribly sorry, I know nothing about French to be honest.

Warning's: a little bit of abuse, Insecure thoughts, depressive thoughts, negative thinking, some intense fluff, VERY intense fluff and feels......LOTS of feels.

okay....let's do this *deep breaths*

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HE HAS PERFECT TIMING THANK THE STARS!

After that strange meeting that same day I didn't even get to calm down and understand what had happened, the minute my parents and siblings got home I knew I was in for a bad night, my little brother and sister ran to go play in my little brother's room and my mom started cleaning the living room as my step dad sat on the couch, I knew by the looks my mom and step-dad gave each other my mom got yelled at by my step-dad and didn't get what she wanted at my grandparents, she was glaring at me with so much hatred and I knew she decided to take out her anger on me and start another fight with me to make herself feel better. She yelled at me and demanded I help her clean the living room while complaining I wasn't doing it right and calling me "worthless" and other words as I tried to help her clean, after a few minutes I asked where to put the laundry basket full of clean clothes so I didn't get in trouble for misplacing them and she stated to my step-dad that I was giving her an "attitude" and that I was refusing to help her clean.

My step-dad screamed at me for "Not thinking" and "Being stupid" and "I should know where to put the basket I'm not helpless" he got as my mom put it “So out of control” that she started acting scared and telling him to leave me alone causing once again both of them to yell at each other and I crept away to my room with the basket to fold it quietly regretting my question and feeling like the cause of their fight.

I went to bed that night with another anxiety attack and fell asleep forgetting the whole meeting with Ink thinking the whole thing was just a dream.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A week later my parents and siblings left to go see a ten hour long parade with my aunt in another town, thankfully some days my mom actually agrees to make excuses for me, other times she tells them the truth and talks behind my back and sometimes I'm forced to go.

I was in the kitchen instead of my room this time sitting on my stool with my laptop on the table, the picture I was trying to draw this time was an adorable baby raccoon in a trash can with a heart in its mouth, I had my headphones on my head and blaring my favorite songs in my ears as I was trying to sing along to the songs.

I felt two arms snake around my waist in a backwards hug and I made my usual inhuman dog sounding noise and jumped off my stool, my headphone's short wire went taunt and fell off my head onto the table behind me as I spun around and made a poorly fighting pose my fists in awkward angles.

“Woah woah! Easy Stitches it's just me, Ink!”

I gasped at the figure in the middle of my kitchen:

His hands were up in surrender and he was ducking a little his top half practically bending over cause of how tall he was, he couldn't stand up all the way to his full height cause of how low the ceiling was and he was looking at me with his mismatched blinking eyes,

the headphones were still blaring the song I had on loud enough for both of us to hear during the awkward silence as I removed my fighting pose and instead had my hand on my chest panting and trying to breath from the scare and he took to sitting on the floor criss-crossed applesauce looking at me.

“You scared me half to death!” I said after calming down a little bit more and sitting back on my stool.

“I am so sorry about that! I thought it would be nice to give you a hug cause I haven't seen you in a week” He said looking up at me grinning before a look of realization crossed his face.

“OH STARS! I AM SO SORRY! I forgot about your fear of being touched! I am so sorry Stitches!” He started sobbing tears falling down the sides of his skull as he sniffled, I looked around confused and awkward trying to figure out what to do about him crying.

“Did I trigger something again?” he asked lowering his voice after his small outburst looking at me while rubbing the tears falling down his face.

I shook my head forcing a smile, “No no, you're fine I'm just-” I paused.

“Just?” he asked.

“You're......you're actually real! It wasn't a dream I had then”I said more to myself looking down,

“Wait!! Dream is here?? Where? I didn't know he was here too!!” Ink said looking around exited his tears suddenly gone.

“No no I meant I thought meeting you was a dream.....I went to bed a week ago and......forgot about our meeting cause I had an anxiety attack and I rested to calm down and forgot about the whole day assuming it was all a dream” I said looking at the floor embarrassed.

“Oh.....Well I didn't forget! I made sure to write it down on my scarf! I was gonna come sooner but so much went on with my fight last week, a Sans got captured by Nightmare's gang and Blue, Dream and I had to try and get him back and it took a few, few...-wait what were we talking about??” He titled his head looking confused,

I giggled a little at his forgetfulness and he looked up at the sound his eye sockets widening,

“Oh!!! I remember now! Sorry about that I tend to forget a lot” He rubbed the back of his skull sheepishly looking through his notes on his scarf.

I nodded, “I know you do, I pretty much know everything about you and- wait......That sounds like I'm a creeper I'm so sorry about that!! I don't mean to sound like a stalker! That must of sounded rude I'm sorry.....I am so grateful that you decided to show up again, I thought you didn't want to see me again cause of our awkward meeting and you had friends to help who are better than me and you were busy-”

I stopped rambling hearing the familiar small noise he made last time as he vomited black ink on the floor perking up now on his knees and looking at me with his mismatched eyes blinking and changing rapidly.

“Oh wow!!!! You know all about me!! That's amazing! How many Aus do you know?? I know all of them, there is so many! I love seeing each one which Au is your favorite? I personally can't chose they are all amazing!” Ink said speaking fast,

I looked down at the now ink vomited floor and sighed at the poor floor that was now covered in black ink and rubbed the side of my face looking up at the ceiling.

“I can't chose either, they are all amazing to me as well, it's amazing how well the creators think and how amazing the plots are and the backstories and everything!” I flinched still staring at the ceiling hearing the small noise again and in the corner of my eye I saw him vomit more black ink and wipe his mouth looking down at the floor his face a rainbow blush.

“Whoops! I am sorry about that Stitches! Here-” He took Broomie from his back and wiped it clean as I still looked at the ceiling.

“Thank you for cleaning that up.....here, let's go into the living room, the ceiling is high enough for you to stand if you need to” I said getting up and walking into the living room sitting on the couch; my drawing and music forgotten as Ink waddled a little on his knees and came into the living room standing up and stretching no longer touching the ceiling.

“That is much better actually, Merci beaucoup! Thank you so much!” He said as I looked up at him hiding in my hoodie and blushing a little at his sudden words in French, his voice sounded so calm and soothing in French and it sounded like it was meant for just him and his type and tone of voice.

“Are you okay Stitches? You are very red, Ai-je dit quelque de mal? Did I do something wrong?” Ink asked and translated looking at me his skull tilted, I hid in my hoodie further:

It sounds so right hearing French words rolling off his tongue and spilling out of his mouth, that was a weird thing to think....

“Y-y-y-yeah I'm fine” I said turning redder before slowly peeking a little out of my hoodie as he looked down at me grinning.

“I have to say, you are a really shy human” Ink said sitting on the couch next to me and I scooted over a little putting a lot of distance between us and was practically pressing myself up against the armrest, he tilted his skull at me.

“What happened now? Why did you scoot so much?” Ink asked looking at me concern in his eyes,

“I'm j-j-j-just not really good with physical contact or being next to someone on a couch......it's really weird” I said looking down sadly. I felt the couch shift and looked up suddenly being face to face with Ink.

“Tu as de beaux yeux, you have beautiful eyes” He mumbled looking into my eyes.My face burned a bright red and I looked away a bit clearing my throat.

“U-u-u-uhhhhh.....thanks?? They, they look plain to me heh....I'm n-n-n-not really, really used to com-complements by people uhh....how? how do I respond?” I asked laughing nervously as he continued staring.

“You don't have to respond, just know that they are a beautiful shade of blue and grey, they have such a sparkle to them....I see little tiny flecks of brown in them and they are so memorizing, a masterpiece to observe” He kept staring at them mumbling about the colors as I looked around nervously trying to process what was going on-

he jerked back abruptly and I flinched as he stood up,

“Well it was nice seeing you again I must go now, sorry for the short visit I will try and make the next one longer Au revoir!” He made a portal and jumped into it leaving me sitting on the couch still red and confused.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

After that he came by to visit more, sometimes he would stay for a long time and sometimes it was just to drop in and say 'Hi' and then go. I was grateful each time he vomited he would clean it up so I didn't get yelled at.When he came by for long visits I would allow him to search up Aus he knew on my laptop and let him see the art of them by the creators, we would also watch videos and I would show him all the UnderTale and Au related ones, sometimes he would go on and on about something he wanted to tell me and then he would forget what he was talking about and then start a new topic but that was normal for me to hear him do-

my parents and siblings weren't home every time he came over which made me relieved, I didn't want to explain to my parents who Ink was and I didn't want the only happiness I got out of my life to be banned to hang out with me cause my mom and step-dad would use him as an example of what they will take away from me if I don't behave-

after each time he came to hang out and leave I would beat myself up and let my mind race with all the negative thoughts estimating how long he was gonna stick around and how worthless I was and sometimes I would remember something I said during one of his visits and beat myself up over how bad I sounded or how I could of said it-

One of his visits made me think the next time he came to visit that he was gonna say he was gonna leave for good and stop hanging out with me cause I was “too much” for him, he was acting off that day even more off then before, he kept staring at me and stuttering and blushing rainbow, it was a short visit really short and when he left I kinda just sat there trying not to cry knowing he wasn't gonna be my friend or be around any longer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ink's pov

I made a house similar to UnderTale Classic's home to live and sleep in so I wasn't floating endlessly in my DoodleSphere-

The wooden porch was a light brown color with three steps- the whole outside of the house I painted in every color and the front door was a deep maroon. I went through another one of my portals after another visit to see Stitches and I stepped out in front of the house, I walked up the steps and went through the front door going into the living room and sitting on the green couch sighing in relief clutching my chest,

“Stitches is something thats for sure” I said to myself as my chest made the same pains it's been making the day I met her and every day after my soul-less, empty chest pulsing with pains I wasn't used to.

“It sounds like she has been the one affecting the way you have been acting and these emotions you have been projecting around these last few weeks” Dream said in the doorway.

I jumped, “AHHH Dream! You scared me!!” he chuckled watching my outburst, I cleared my throat-

“It's good that you came though I need your help, why are you always quiet when you enter rooms??” I asked relaxing as he approached the couch and sat next to me.

“Magic~ What do you need my help with?” He asked as I started fiddling with my scarf suddenly nervous.

“Ummmm........uhhhh” I stuttered

“You aren't acting like yourself I can feel it.......Stitches has an impact on your emotions”

The word ‘Impact’ reminded me of the day me and Stitches were watching a YouTube video of Papyrus and Mettaton having a child named Impact and how hilarious it was which made me chuckle snorting a little lost in thought.

“Ink? Did you hear me?” Dream said snapping his fingers in front of me,

“What were we talking about?” I said trying to pretend I didn't know to avoid the conversation.

“Don't play dumb with me Ink! I know you can remember things.....which is another thing. You have been remembering more and more haven't you? And your emotions are interesting and confusing for me to figure out, you only take half of your veils to feel instead of all of them and I've noticed you are lost in thought more,” He paused looking at me to see if I heard him,

I sighed, “You are right Mon ami which is why I want your help with this, she has been affecting me a lot.....in fact.......I think I might like her.....and I'm confused as to what to do about it” I blinked trying to process what I just said.

“You have affections for her Ink, feelings to be with her and cherish her, to be her partner for life, I know what you're feeling Ink, it's my gift as being a guardian of all positive emotions, you have affections for her feelings that you can't explain, I think the next time you go visit her you should confess to her and let her know how you feel” Dream stated standing up,

I paused at his words my bone brows furrowing as I glared up at him feeling angry that he was telling me what to do.

“Don't look at me like that you asked me to help you! Your soul-less Ink, I'm only looking out for you, you are confused about this but I've been around Stitches and felt her emotions and feelings and I know she is confused too, she is fragile and full of self doubt and negativity, she doesn't know anything about love and her fear was quite strong that day her soul is so full of despair it physically wounded me......Ink, focus on how you can make this work for both of you and how to confess to her and make her feel sure about it and please, don't be a jerk about it” Dream looked at me as I processed his words.

“I will do that before I go see her again as to not hurt her, Merci beaucoup, Thank you so much Dream”

He nodded and left leaving me to think.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hadn't heard from Ink for a few weeks possibly five weeks or more I couldn't keep count and I was worried, I knew he was going to leave our friendship forgotten and never come back. I took up too much of his time he needed to focus on protecting the multiverse and I was just a normal human. Every night I regretted getting attached to Ink my mind screaming at me with negative thoughts as I sobbed myself to sleep-

I got in trouble one day, my mom said that I cleaned the dishes wrong and told me to leave the kitchen so she could “clean them right” so I walked down the hallway to my room a little down and annoyed and sat on my bed and decided to read a book-

my little sister came in being annoying and I told her to leave me alone cause I was reading, she got annoyed at me for not paying attention to her and hit me, it triggered my PTSD and I dropped the book and cowered under her blows as she laughed and called me a chicken until I couldn't handle it. I screamed at her to stop it and shoved her away and she fell on her bed fake crying to alert my mom who came in and accused me of harassing my sister and being abusive because I couldn't dirty the dishes and I was plotting to hurt them all, I got grounded and told I couldn't leave my room for a week and then my parents and siblings left to go get ice cream and to “Get away from that creature you call a sister,” once they left I sat on my bed quietly crying losing track of how long I sat there.......

*****************

“Are you okay Stitches?”

I bolted up looking to see Ink sitting on my floor looking at me with concern and I wiped my eyes nodding,

“Yeah I'm fine. Hi Ink long time no see, didn't hear you come in” I said chuckling with no humor.

“Can we talk for a minute?” he said as I gulped: Today was the day he was gonna leave for good.

“Sure! But I can't leave my room, I got grounded for a week and I don't know how long my parents and siblings are gonna be gone so you will have to hurry and make it quick” I said as he sat criss-crossed applesauce and nodded clearing his throat as I held my breath knowing what he was gonna say.

“Ever since I met you Stitches, I have been feeling very weird, being soul-less makes it hard for me to know what was going on but after talking and getting help from Dream I know what it was, it was love! I love you Stitches! Will you be my girlfriend?” He blushed rainbow fiddling with his scarf as he waited for my answer.

My negative thoughts took over instantly my mind screaming as I just stared at him:

Uh oh..........Of course uh oh!! I just got Ink to like me!! He is soul-less how did this happen?? He's still waiting for me to answer him!! SAY SOMETHING BACK YOU DAMN DISAPPOINTMENT!! I have to say something to him he is just sitting there watching me! But I don't know what to say? If I say No because I'm not ready and I'm going through too much and I don't even know what love is he will hate me for making him feel....but if I say Yes he can destroy my heart and crush it....Just like what happened last time I got attached.....

I opened my mouth to answer him quickly but started full on ranting instead, I couldn't help it-

“Wait! Ink you actually like me like me?? B-b-but what if you get tired of me and leave? What if I'm too much for you to handle? You need to protect the multiverse and I'm too much to handle, I need reassurance all the time and you can't be with me all the time all day and I understand this but...this is...What if we get into a fight and you hurt me cause you can't properly express what you feel? What if you start to hate me? What if I can't give you all you need and my lack of motivation at times makes you weak and not able to fight and you lose an Au and it will be all because of me? What if I shut you out when I'm feeling down, will you force yourself in or will you leave like everyone else I've shut out? What if I'm too damaged for you? I am too damaged.....What if I mess it up? What if I'm finally happy and then you leave and I'm back to being alone? What if your just playing a trick on me and you don't actually like me at all and you are just bored and wanting to goof off, is this is a joke Ink?”

I took a deep breath noticing he hadn't moved from his spot looking at me his mismatched eyes changing shapes as he blinked I looked down sadly.

“.......There are better people out there Ink people better than me, why would you like me out of all of them? There are other choices.....they are prettier than me, talented, worth your time, able to do things for themselves.....I can't cook, I can't draw, sing, nothing......man I feel annoying and needy right now and I'm probably asking too many questions but I just......can't take any more fake emotions not after the last time I-.......I know you have to drink paint to feel so I don't know if what you feel is real or fake, I don't even know the first thing about love! I never had it before, how can I give you something if you can't give it or feel it and I can't properly give it back cause I don't know what I'm supposed to be giving? I'm not good enough for you Ink......I'm no-”

I looked up and flinched making a strange noise and cutting off my words, Ink was suddenly really close to my face his gloved hands resting on both of my shoulders as he stared at me.

“I understand this, we can take it slow no rush I was just confessing you don’t have to accept right now.........you know what you deserve Mon amour? You deserve everything the universe has, you have only seen the dark in this world I can see it when I stare into your eyes you need someone to hold you in the light, to show you the light. You deserve the best and don't think your not worth it cause to me you are! Tu es ma joie de vivre, you are my joy of living,”

He paused rubbing my shoulders and gazing into my eyes his changing every time he blinked at me,

“You never need to worry cause I will never leave you I can't leave you alone! I won't! I refuse to let you believe you will be forgotten and lost!! I will never question you or make you feel bad about yourself, I will be here whenever you need me and I will help you feel safe and I will protect you from everything. I will cuddle you when you feel down even though I know you have a problem of people touching you, you flinch when someone is near you but I will not harm you, you can trust me. I will use my hands for your protection and for your comfort I will never use them against you or with intent to harm you. If you need space I can give it to you but I bet you if you ignore me too long I will be the one grabbing you into a hug and never letting you go, you may think you are clingy and needy but so am I! I won't let you leave my eyesight,”

He paused again both his eyes changing to hearts as he looked at me lovingly.

“I will be your shoulder to cry on and a friend to laugh along with you, I know you think you need to do more and become more for me but you don't need to worry about doing anything for me, you just staying with me and I knowing you are here is what I need, just seeing you here looking into your eyes and sensing your presence here is enough you are a keeper in my eye sockets. Je t'aimerai pour toujours, I'm going to love you forever if you will accept it” He finished looking at me for my answer as I blushed a little at his intense gaze.

After a few minutes I took a deep shuddering breath and slowly nodded hoping I was making the right choice, he grinned and gave me a tight hug burying his face in the crook of my neck and I flinched but slowly hugged back,

“I'm never going to forgive your parents or this universe for treating you so poorly” he muttered making me shiver from the breath he blew on my neck when he talked.

“Let's go” He said breaking away from the hug and holding me out at arms length smiling, I looked at him tilting my head.

“Go where?”

“To the DoodleSphere you are coming to live with me”

My eyes widened as I looked around,

“B-b-b-but.....If I leave my parents will think I ran away and I will get in trouble and-”

“Don't worry about that I will have Dream take care of it, they won't even know where you went and they will forget all about you” he physically flinched at his last words before snapping out of it and smiling at me.

I sighed wondering how long this happiness would last before he actually left me for good.......I was still doubting this whole thing and still a little scared of this sudden change in our friendship. I finally got up nodding.

“Okay let's go”

He rapidly clapped like a little kid and quickly made a portal before he stretched out his arm like a gentleman smirking like a dork and I smiled a little hesitantly wrapping my arms in the crook of his outstretched arm as we went through the portal into my new life my old life shutting behind me.....

__________________________________________________________

Done here is day two @selfshipperapproved

#sanship #ink sans self ship #here it is #self fan fic #i made it too long #i'm sorry

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