#and be gently optimistic without setting them up for false hope

[sheathandshear]

As much as many pediatric nurses bitch about how awful it is to deal with parents and family -- and lord, that certainly was the case on the adult side! -- I usually really enjoy working with parents, particularly the ones with lower health literacy who come in hot and loud and scared. There are plenty of awful parents out there and even more deeply flawed ones, and I've seen and heard some truly evil things, but most of the parents I work with just... really love their kids, and want them to be happy and safe and try their best to make that happen, even if they don't understand how to, and they're terrified when their child is sick or injured and they don't know what to do. I take those extra few minutes to explain what's going on, what we're going to do and why it'll help, to listen to their fears and address them, to joke and chat and gently reassure, and you can see the relief settle over them, and the kids too. Those are the proudest moments I have in my career, the memories that I go back to during the shifts when everything seems hopeless and overwhelming and I can't seem to get anything right -- the times when I could bring a little bit of peace and calm to my families and my patients, lift a little bit of that fear.

#same goes for my adolescent patients -- the ones who are trying so hard to act grown-up and not show how scared they are #the rapport you build just by chatting with them while you're in there doing things #asking them questions and treating them like individuals with valuable insights & opinions #and be gently optimistic without setting them up for false hope #I think they value that and I hope it makes their time in the ER even just a little bit easier #adventures in nursing #health care

[kaekiro]

Lest

Pairing: Eren/Mikasa II Rating: T II Words: 3032 II [AO3] Warnings: Mentions of blood and death A/N: In which Eren thinks Mikasa is dead and he doesn’t know how to cope. Instead, he acts a bit aggressively out of despair and frustration. Alternate canon au where EM is 19 yo and are already together. 

A few months ago, an AO2 user by the name of Lola left a comment on chapter 49 requesting that I write this! I don't think I've written one of these before, so I took all the pent up angst from the recent manga chapters and dumped it into here 😅 Hope you like it! P.S. I threw in a reference from the Netflix Series Dark! If you know the series, see if you can spot it!

The news didn’t quite register in his mind. He fell out of touch from reality, hoping that this was some kind of nightmare that she’d wake him from, like she always did. The messenger left in a rush soon after the written note was handed off to the Captain, and he felt his body go stiff the moment the paper was lowered and Levi glanced to him, then to Armin. Levi’s eyes betrayed nothing, but he knew deep down that something was wrong. And when his fears were confirmed, his blood froze over, stilling every limb and breath and bodily function for a long moment.

“Mikasa is missing.” 

He blinked rapidly, unbelievingly, and he almost wanted to laugh because surely the Captain was just making another bad joke. Mikasa and her going missing is something that did not go together, it was impossible. Unthinkable. He looked to Armin for assurance, expecting him to voice these exact thoughts. But his best friend’s face reflected the anxiety he struggled to repress, and that was when he began to realize the gravity of the situation. Levi wasn’t joking, and Mikasa was missing. 

He stood and walked out of the room with firm intent, ready to get his gear together and leave to go find her. 

“Eren,” Armin called, following him out of the room, reaching out to touch his shoulder.  “Eren,” he said more sharply, moving to quickly jump in front of him and block his path. He glared hard, wondering why he wasn’t as eager to help or even join him. 

“What?” 

“I know what you’re planning. You can’t go out there.”

“And why not?” he challenged, his frustration and impatience flaring. “Mikasa could be hurt and she needs me. She needs us.”

“Or,” Armin began, stepping to block his attempt to get around him, “she could be okay. It takes time for these messages to be delivered. During that time, or even right now, she could’ve already used a flare to signal her and her squad’s location. Or they could have been found by other scouts. This is Mikasa we’re talking about. Have some faith in her. Who knows, she could return here by tomorrow morning after they check her health. Just -- don’t do anything rash. We don’t have the resources to help keep you safe out there. And we don’t need any more people going missing, you of all. ” 

He saw reason in what Armin was saying, he truly did. But the sense of alarm did not falter. Instead, it kept nagging and screaming that something was not right. It wasn’t easy, but he stayed quiet and swallowed a whole lot of what he was feeling, knowing and repeating to himself that Armin’s instincts hardly missed their mark. He also knew that he could trust in Mikasa’s abilities, trust in her to come back. He had to focus on that, lest he go insane with worry. 

-----

Without waiting to be told, he woke up earlier than his squadmates and began chopping wood outside. The exercise helped burn away the stress he still couldn’t shake off, but the real reason he was out here so early is that he wanted to be the first to greet Mikasa. He pictured lecturing her for scaring him, checking over her injuries himself if she had any. And perhaps, when they were alone, he’d take her in his arms just to feel her’s wrap around him, to prove that she was really okay and that he didn’t need to get as worked up as he is. The thought makes his face warmer but heart lighter. Yeah, he would definitely do that. All he needed to do was wait for her. 

Yet, no one showed up that day. 

-----

He didn’t mean to do it. 

This realization dawns on him when the room falls silent and he feels Jean restraining his arms, sees Armin gazing down at the broken teacup with tears in his eyes. 

The liquid that dribbled from the wall and seeped into the floorboards used to be warm. It was the Captain that had heated the tea, suggesting that Sasha bring it up to him as he hadn’t left Mikasa’s room since they all found out the news. Unable to sleep, he was the one a new messenger delivered the news to early in the morning. He should’ve given it to the Captain as it was his message, but desperation took over and before he knew it, he lost complete sense of balance and stumbled until his back met something solid, eyes wide but unseeing as the unfolded paper fell to the ground. Some of the corpses retrieved were scouts that were part of her squad. The mission had transitioned from a search to a recovery effort for Mikasa’s and the others’ bodies. Involuntarily, he recalled what the bodies looked like during the recovery missions he’d been a part of, imagined seeing a bloodied sheet with a tattooed wrist peeking out. He distantly heard a shout of his name as he doubled over and vomited out what little he had in his stomach.

He doesn’t remember when or how he got to her room. But his body was curled on her bed, stiff, unmoving, and to his misfortune, awake. Sasha must’ve known this as she quietly stepped into the room because she offered words of comfort, trying to sound optimistic yet her voice lacked the hope he desperately needed. He didn’t reply to her, did nothing to acknowledge her presence at all and she had in turn understood, whispered her condolences after setting down the steaming cup on the desk, and shut the door behind her. There was a fleeting feeling of guilt in his stomach when he ignored Sasha and let the tea go to waste, but it couldn’t be helped. The only thing that managed to bring him some semblance of consolation was turning further into Mikasa’s pillow and breathing in softly, the pleasant scent of her hair and clothes barely there, but there nonetheless. 

Falling asleep had been a slow and painful process for him, his mind and thoughts consumed by worry and memories of her. In his dreams, she was beside him as she’d always been, weakly scolding him about something he didn’t pay any mind to because she was so close and cleaning his cheek with her handkerchief. He wanted nothing more than to grab hold of the front of her jacket, to tug her closer and press his mouth to hers just to see her surprised reaction. But when he did, what he thought was a dream instantly turned into a nightmare. He pulled back to look at her and suddenly found himself kneeling over her body, his hands and her clothes stained with her blood. She tried to tell him something and he knew it was important with how she was clutching onto him, but she could only manage a terrifying mix between a gurgle and cough before the light left her eyes. He shook terribly, would have screamed if the pain hadn’t made it impossible to breathe. Tears fell from his eyes as did promises from his lips, whimpers of I’ll make it right filling the space between them as he clutched the hand that fell from his cloak, his other hand moving to gently close her eyes. 

He woke up in a panic then, became even more frightened when Jean and Armin came into his line of sight as they shook him awake. 

“Eren!” Jean whispered harshly, “snap out of it! It’s just us!” 

A bead of sweat trickled down the side of his face as Armin helped steady his breathing, both of them taking in lungfuls of air and breathing out slowly, over and over and over. Eventually, with his legs tossed over the edge of her bed, he buried his face in his hands, rubbing furiously at his eyes to try and erase the remnants of his nightmare. Jean and Armin carefully sat on either side of him, offering their presence as he grieved. 

“Why did I let her go?” he asked tearfully, to neither of them in particular. 

“...Eren,” Armin started slowly, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t give up hope just yet. It’s only been a couple of days. There’s no confirmation that…” the last words of his sentence, the ‘she's dead’ remained unspoken, but the three of them were painfully aware of it. Armin continued. 

“A-and besides… there was no way you could have known that—”

He startles both his friends when he stands up, grabbing the cup full of tea and smashing it against the wall. He completely ignored the cries of his name and would've swiped the books and sewing kit off Mikasa’s desk if Jean hadn’t forcefully held him back. 

“I did know!” he cried, tears dripping from his chin. Armin was telling him to be hopeful, but he knew that tone, knew that it meant that his best friend was assuming the worst, just like him. “From the very beginning, right when the three of us agreed to join the military! I just knew that something like this would happen, and I still let her follow me here!” 

The deafening silence that follows is what slowly drags him back to a more sensible state, enough for him to realize what he’s done. He takes in the scene before him, the broken glass, the tears in Armin’s wide eyes, Jean’s hands struggling to keep their grip on his forearms. What would Mikasa think…

His arms go slack at that thought. He wishes she was here to hold his hand like she used to when he was overwhelmed, and tell him that even if things didn’t turn out alright, she’d be right there. Perhaps she was there with him. Even if he couldn’t see her. He never believed in those kinds of things if he was honest, there wasn’t anything to prove it was true. But… there wasn’t anything to prove it was entirely false either.... and the idea that she might be here made him shift entirely. She wouldn’t want him to react this way, yet here he was, making a mess and about to damage her belongings. 

“I’m… I’m sorry,” he murmurs, to Armin and Jean, to Mikasa. The hands holding his forearms let go. “I didn’t mean to…” 

He sees Armin nod, quickly wiping at his nose. “I’ll get something to pick this up—”

“No.” He reaches for the candle one of them had set on Mikasa’s dresser, using the light to carefully step around the broken glass. “I made this mess, I’ll clean it up.” 

“Eren,” Jean says as he clamps a hand on his shoulder. “you look like a pile of shit and you’re not doing well. Let Armin and me handle this.”

He sniffles, looking down. “You forgot to say ‘no offense.’”

“I fully intended to offend you.”

Though he can’t bring himself to smile, Jean acting like a jackass the way they always did with one another helped him a little bit, and it was enough to convince him to agree. When everything was picked up and fixed, they coaxed him to sleep in a different room, reasoning that he’d been in there all day and it’d be better if he was with them, in case of another nightmare. He takes one last look into her bedroom before leaving, an ache spreading within his hands and chest as he remembers sneaking in there late at night a little over a week ago, letting her head rest on his shoulder and arm sling over his abdomen. She was so warm, and the steady rhythm of her breath lulled him to sleep just minutes after laying next to her. He can’t imagine what he wouldn’t give just to be like that, at least one last time.  

-----

His eyes feel swollen and uncomfortably dry when he opens them, doing so long enough to notice the unmade sheets on the mattresses and floor, how he was the only one in the room. The morning light becomes too much after a few seconds and he closes them once more, his exhaustion from yesterday making him slump further into the flat pillow. I’m so tired… I wouldn’t mind if I could stay just like this for a while… 

He doesn’t know how much time passes but eventually, he feels his hair, outgrown and tangled, being pushed away from his face. The gentle nature of the touch is light but so familiar that he immediately peeks his eyes open, the silhouette blurry but undoubtedly her. His lips curl into a lazy and content smile before they part to say her name, his voice raspy but soft. Bit by bit, his vision clears until he can finally see her small, pretty smile. 

“Eren,” she responds evenly, her fingers carefully untangling the lock of hair caught on them. Her other hand is pressed against the floor she’s sitting on, supporting her weight as she leans heavily to one side. What he wants most is to nudge his way over and rest his head on her lap, but he hardly has the energy to keep his eyes open. And the soothing feeling of her movements was not helping at all. 

“Why are you on the floor? And not in your bed?” 

Not entirely sure himself, he makes a noise that, if anything, only tells how tired he is. She seems to leave the short line of questioning at that, successfully untangling another knot. “Well… you should start waking up so you can eat something before Sasha helps herself.”

A sense of anxiety washes over him for reasons he can’t fully remember at the moment, and he only shakes his head like a stubborn child, burying half his face into the pillow as if it helps make a point. All he knew was that if he listened to her, what has been happening the past couple of nights would happen again; he’d wake up from his dream and she would disappear along with it.

“I don’t want to wake up. I want to stay in this dream,” he says quietly, wistfully, closing his eyes tighter.

“...What?” he hears her ask, feeling her shake her head as she reaches down to touch his face and swipe her thumb across his cheekbone affectionately. “Eren… you’re not dreaming.”

He frowns and he opens an eye to look at her as if she’s said something crazy. 

“What do you mean I’m not dreaming?” 

“....You’re not dreaming? I don’t know a simpler way to say it.”

It takes all his effort but he pushes himself to sit upright then, a little more awake and even more confused. He takes in the sight of her, the concern on her face, and remembers thinking that he’d never get to see it again. That’s right, Mikasa was “missing,” but scouts were looking for her body. He had lost her. He briefly glances around the room, noting the white sheets and how they reflect the sunlight in a way that makes the room seem unnaturally bright, like he was in some kind of dream. Was this heaven? The afterlife?

“Am…. am I dead?” he genuinely asks, eyes widening.

Mikasa looks at him as if he suddenly sprouted an extra head, fixing herself into a kneel and pushing her palm against his forehead, the back of her other hand checking the temperature of his face and neck. “Do you have a fever or something? Why are you asking such strange things?” 

The firm and real touch of her hand snaps him out of whatever delirium he’s experiencing and he just stares at her, watches how she frets over his unkempt state. He couldn’t pay any mind to his dumb and embarrassing questions because this wasn’t a dream, and he wasn’t dead. This is real. Tears start to pool in his eyes, falling from them in thick droplets.

She looks even more worried, opening her mouth to probably ask more questions but before she can, he grips her arms and pulls her close to wrap his arms around her waist, his entire being weak and ready to collapse at the relief that pulses through him. He clenches his jaw tight, stifling his sobs but unable to control how they wrack his body. Her scarf catches the tears that won’t stop falling, and he only embraces her harder as he manages a barely audible, “I thought you weren’t coming back… I thought I lost you…” 

He knows that she finally understands the reason behind his bizarre behavior when she relaxes against him, her arms curling around his shoulders and head resting against his. 

“I’m sorry, Eren...”  

They stay like that for a few moments longer until her left hand coaxes him to look at her, her thin fingers wiping at the wet and darkened skin beneath his eye. “Plans were compromised, and we lost more than expected,”  she explains regrettably, her gaze fixed on her movements. “A small group of us were stranded for a short while, but… but I’m here now.” 

Her voice and words reverberate so nicely in his ears after spending so many hours longing to hear them, and yet there is a part of him that still feared that somehow this wasn’t real. Even awake and wound up in each other's embrace, he wasn’t entirely convinced, and he was becoming acutely aware of how he craved something more. So, in response, he nudges her hand away from his face so he can cup her cheeks and swiftly guide her lips to his. She inhaled sharply through her nose, clearly blindsided by his kiss and he would’ve felt more sorry if it wasn’t for the soft sensation of her lips, her breath and skin reassuringly warm against his face. His slight regret for surprising her (especially in a way neither of them was used to) diminishes entirely when her hands rise to wrap around his wrists and she kisses him back, over and over. When he pulls away, greeted by the sight of her blush and shy gaze, he takes in a lungful of air, finally feeling like he can truly breathe.

#eremika #writing #requests #text #i have so much angst from current manga events and i'm always like #'wow ouch okay i should try to write something lighthearted maybe that'll help me feel better' #and a lot of what i've been writing is just angst akjdbah #*sigh* #also #i feel like i kinda suck at lighthearted/fluffly things so i unconsciously steer from it 😅 #kaleidoscopes

[justasparkwritings]

Merry & Bright {3}: Beacon in the Night

Previous: Baby, Sugar, Honey Darling 

Pairing: Kim Namjoon x Reader

Genre: Angst, Exes to Lovers

Rating: PG13

Warnings: Swearing! Talks of Infidelity 

Summary: You’re supposed to be broken up. He’s moved on, you’ve moved on... but you’re the only person he wants to talk to, and for you? It’s always been him. 

          Namjoon walks the streets as the light dusting of snow begins to fall. December has never felt so wrong to him. There are so many factors seeping into his mind, into his body. Yoongi is out, missing every performance, every interview, every aspect of this promotional season. They’re nominated for a Grammy, the highest western honor, the only award anyone seems to care about, despite their resilience on the charts and earning the highest honors in Korea. The American press is hung up on the success of Dynamite, not mentioning the charting of other songs, the power ARMY has over them… And he’s spending Christmas without you. You told him it was for the best, you were never going to make it through a comeback and the winter promotional season, it didn’t matter if you loved him, which you did, you just couldn’t do it. Your heart couldn’t handle the hurt, the distance, the unavailability. He understood, if it wasn’t tour, it would be this.

           Walking through the streets, bundled up, headphones in one ear, your words carrying him step after step, guiding him where he needed to be, like they always did. As he moved through the neighborhood, he hoped you’d realize the pull you had on him, the way you shouldered his burdens, the way you answered his calls, the way your eyes loved his.

           The knock is soft, the front desk man not knowing you had broken up, letting Namjoon up up up until he was at your door.

           “Coming!” You call, setting down your glass of wine and tucking hair behind your ears. “Joon.”

           “Y/N, I’m sorry to just, drop in, I know I just,” He shakes his head, the few tears starting to fall.

           “Honey,” You say, pulling him to you. He smells the same, and your heart breaks.

           “I’m sorry,” He says, coming to his senses, standing straight and stepping out of your arms. “I shouldn’t be here.”

           “Don’t ever say that,” You say, pulling him into your apartment and locking the door. “Go sit.”

           Namjoon’s feet carry him towards your sofa, where he finds reprieve from the miles he’s just walked. He sinks down gratefully, his shoes already kicked off by the door, his coat soon being peeled off, revealing him in your favorite sweater. You join him, your glass of wine in your hand, a mug of hot tea for Joon.

           “It’s hot,” You say, sitting down next to him.

           “Thank you,” Namjoon nods his head.

           “Do you want to talk about it?” You ask gently.

           “Can I lay in your lap?” He asks, eyes not meeting yours. It was his favorite way to talk to you, head resting in your lap, your hand in his hair, your eyes looking down at him. He felt so close to you then, so cozy and loved.

           “Yes,” You grab a pillow and a blanket, wrapping the blanket loosely over his legs. “Talk,”

           “We’ve just become the second act in history to have a number one single and album debut in the same week. It’s surreal to be recognized like this, by numbers and statistics, not just tweets and the bubble of South Korea. Though, the American market is its own bubble too. I’m trying to stay optimistic, the Grammy nomination, the chart placements… All good things. There’s this aching feeling that our success is hollow.” Namjoon rattles on, you are his favorite person to talk to.

           “What is the hollowness coming from? Is it from your own thoughts and feelings, or from critics, from bandmates, management?” You ask seamlessly, “Or, do you want my advice? Do you want me to just listen?”

           “Both,” He says.

           “If your hollowness is coming from you, then you need to examine what it is specifically that is causing this feeling, you have to look at the triggers of it. If it’s coming from an external source, as opposed to internal, then what is pushing these thoughts on you? Your feelings are your own, but there can be external input that is causing your mind to respond a certain way.”

           Namjoon stares at you as you speak. You’ve always understood him, even in breaking up, your words were careful, emotive and precise, he knew exactly what you were feeling from how you spoke to the way your eyes glanced over him. Lying in your lap, he’s taken aback by the amount of emotional labor he’s asking you to do. You’re no longer his girlfriend, no matter how tethered he feels to you.

           “I know you, Joonie, and I know what you’re saying … With your success comes an inherent knowledge that maybe it wasn’t earned, or maybe it’s because people are finally giving you your dues. You’re finally being recognized on a global scale, and now all the questions of what that means are coming to the surface. It’s okay to question it, but don’t forget to celebrate it,” You’re absentmindedly playing with his hair, running your hands through it, twirling it as you speak, giving it a light tug. No matter how many times he died it, it always remained soft and silky.

           “Fuck, you’re brilliant,” Namjoon whispers, his hand reaching for yours as rests gently on his chest. “And you’re right. It’s external factors pulling me to question internal motivations. It’s also the Christmas season… the joy, the carols, the light everywhere. If my victories are built on hollow premises, isn’t this festive joy also made up of false promises and lies? I can’t disseminate the two.”

           “I’m not sure you have to,” You say, allowing him to entangle your fingers.

           “Do you think Jesus separated the two, the pressure from the triumphs? Though I don’t think it was possible with men bent on murdering him. I’m feeling so lost and untethered,”

           “Did you ever hear that proverb that flowers can’t grow beneath winter snow?”

           “Yes,”

           “But somehow, life always finds a way. Flowers still bloom in frozen pots, life springs from frozen ground. External influences don’t have to influence how you yourself feel, particularly if they’re negatively effecting you.” Your eyes are trained on his, intention in the way you’re looking at him.

           “You’re my harvester of light, you know that?” Namjoon asks.

           “No, I didn’t,” You shake your head softly.

           “I walked miles today, and at every turn I kept coming back to you,” Namjoon whispers, a tight hold enveloping your hand.

          Your eyes are no longer warm and inviting, but concerned and frustrated, “You’ve been doing a lot of press, lots of performances. I know some have been pre-taped, Joonie, are you taking care of yourself?”

          “I, yes,” He says quickly.

          “Don’t lie to me, Joon,” You say. “Don’t fucking lie.”

          “I’m doing fine, I have a lot of down time, I’m doing okay,” He tries to reassure you, but you won’t look at him.

          “If you don’t love yourself, who will?” You wonder. He knows exactly what you’re doing, what you’re asking.

          “I don’t know if anyone will. No one since you,” He whispers, sitting up. “I don’t know if love is alive anymore.”

           “ARMY loves you,” You suggest.

          “ARMY is its own separate entity. I know they’re there; I know they support me. They showed up to our three virtual shows. They got our album and singles to place where they did… They are responsible for my life. But that’s different, isn’t it?”

          “Yeah, that’s different,” You say, nodding your head as you think about his statement. A quiet rest over both of you before you turn and catch him staring, slight smile on his lips.

          “December has felt so wrong, and I just figured out why,” He says, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.

          “Why?” You whisper, body fully turned to face him, shoulders squared.

          “You, you belong inside my arms. I’ve been missing it for months; it doesn’t feel like Christmas if-

          It’s a swift movement, from him speaking to your lips on his, thighs around his, fists of wool sweater between your fingers. Namjoon’s hand is resting at the nape of your neck, holding you against him. His lips are dry and chapped, moving like they’re in slow motion, feeling every millimeter of your lips, taking in the taste of your Pinot Gris on your tongue, your breath hot in his face.

           You pull away first, chest heaving in unison with his, a few tears in your eyes.

           “Are you trying to tell me you want to start again?” You whisper.

Next: Baby, Please 

#winter song #lyrics #christmas #christmas drabbles #merry and bright #25 days of christmas #kim namjoon #Kim Namjoon/OFC #Kim Namjoon / You #kim namjoon / rm #rm drabbles #Namjoon drabbles #relationships #dating #letters #love letters #emails #christmas stories #christmas writing challenge #RM / You #rm / reader #BTS #BTS drabbles #BTS fiction #BTS fic #BTS fanfic #BTS fan fic #thebtswritersclub #btsgoldnet

[prismarine-parrots]

Tree of Life Pt. 5 (2)

Originally posted: 20 Mar. 2019. Part 2 of finale.

I don’t like word counts and I don’t like that drafts don’t automatically save :/

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 3.5 Part 4 Part 5 (1)  Notes

Cub stared at the hat in his hands.

He didn't know what to do with himself anymore. He had seen his phone flash on and off consistently over the past few days, but hadn't bothered to waste enough mental energy to see what was going on.

Honestly, he couldn't be bothered enough to waste mental energy on existing right about now.

He wished he had the courage to go steal his sword back from Mumbo who had confiscated it and end it. Without Scar, everything Cub did was worthless. Most of what he did was Vex-related, and if Scar wasn't there to be the other Vex, then what was the point of even trying to operate ConCorp at all? What was the point of staying at the Country Club, when it only reminded Cub of the things he and Scar had worked in together since they joined together in Season 4?

Cub could still see Scar's smile in his mind. Scar was always the optimistic one- whenever Cub was down and frustrated, the cowboy would be the one to force him out to go golfing or watch Disney meme compilations. Scar was the goofy one, the one who created all the prank ideas, the one who set them up for who they were to become. Cub was too serious, too strategic, to do any of what Scar did, whether it came to his glorious building and terraforming that all he needed was an image in his mind to build or his spontaneous jokes and the silly, slightly naive persona he put on when they were doing ConVex things.

There was the sound of fireworks- Mumbo likely coming to check on Cub. He had tried to stay by Cub's side when he first returned from the expedition, but Cub just wanted to be left alone and kept avoiding the redstoner.

If I can't be with my brother, then I don't want the companionship of someone else. Even if Mumbo did have the same type of friendship with Grian...

"Cub? Where are you?"

The man in the lab coat grunted and exhaled, not bothering to make a real response.

Mumbo sat down on the couch next to Cub in his A-frame house.

"Hey man... Look, I know you're not up to anything right now, but I have something to show you."

"I think I'll pass, Mumbo..." Cub sighed.

I don't want to do anything anymore.

Mumbo didn't move. "I really think you should come see."

"I said I don't want to."

"I know, but I'm making you anyway," Mumbo decided and grabbed Cub's arm. The scientist jerked his arm back in surprise, but Mumbo kept a hold of the white sleeve and pulled him to his feet. "Come on! I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't know it would be alright."

Cub decided he couldn't be bothered enough to argue. He blankly let the redstoner guide him along. They walked along the Country Club paths to the Nether portal and warped through. Cub glanced around at the massive miniature map he helped create- hours of working alone, feeling like he was being productive to the server, instead of being a shell and fading away like everyone else.

"Through here," Mumbo said, leading Cub to a portal near Grian's miniature tower. Cub glanced around, recognizing the geography and paling significantly.

"No... no..."

Not here. Not his base. I can't, I won't!

Cub started breathing heavily as he felt himself start to panic mentally and physically. Mumbo's eyes widened and he gripped the doctor's shoulders tightly.

"Hey, Cub, it's- it's okay, it's alright," Mumbo consoled. "I know how you feel. You know how hard it was for me to stay in Grian's base? I wanted to never leave, but also never see a piece of white concrete again because it kept reminding me of him. But, I promise you, if you go through this portal, everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be fixed, and you don't have to grieve anymore."

Cub thought about Mumbo's words and blinked, his mind refocusing from its fractured state just enough to really interpret what he had said.

"What do you mean by that, Mumbo...?"

"Have to go through the portal with me and see," Mumbo smirked, a very unusual look for the formal man.

Cub sighed, wishing he could go back to his empty mindset, but he was hopeful, doubtful, intrigued, and terrified all at once. He stepped forward and stepped into the portal, facing Mumbo. The redstoner jumped into the portal as well, only going to be a few seconds behind him in the teleport. Purple swirls covered Cub's vision and his mind blanked, before he felt the world shift and he was no longer in the sweltering heat of the Nether. His vision cleared but he waited in the portal, the distortion starting to return and Cub close his eyes, not wanting to see Scar's beautiful base even sideways. He stayed there, almost frozen, before Mumbo's form appeared and he gently led the doctor out of the violet film.

"Mumbo!" A familiar, unforgettable, and utterly impossible voice said.

"Shhh," Mumbo hushed, "nothing too crazy right now. This is going to be enough of a shock as it is."

"...Grian?" Cub asked slowly. He opened his eyes and there was indeed the strawberry blonde, looking just as chipper as he used to be, although not with the plethora of energy he was used to having.

Grian's eyes widened in a quickly panicked look before glanced around and silently slid behind a palm tree. They were on Black Sands Island, just a boat ride away from the wild main island that hadn't been built upon by the "pirates" by the time Scar...

Don't think it. Don't think it Cub. I can't break down into tear again with others watching. I can't I can't I can't...

"W-what's Grian doing here?" The doctor sputtered in shock. "He's... dead..."

"Yeah, apparently. And a lot of others too. That was, ahem, quite something to be told that I had been dead for real for the past week," Grian chuckled awkwardly, "but I'm back now!"

Cub was scared to ask the question that was in his mind. It was barely even in his mind, he wouldn't let it fully formulate. He glanced down at the brown rimmed hat in his hands that he hasn't let go of since it had fallen to the floor of the Woodland Mansion.

It's not possible. He's dead. But Grian was dead. And he's not anymore. Could he be...? No! Stop lying to yourself! He's dead and you're alone. Alone, alone, alone...

Mumbo glanced to Grian with a panicked look, but the builder only shrugged with befuddlement and looked around for something. There were silent hand gestures being flung but Cub didn't care. He was too enveloped in his own dangerous thoughts to even notice that someone else had slid out of hiding, the concerned look on his face only growing as his brilliant smile faded from the goofy one he had planned to surprise his partner with.

Alone, alone, alone, he's gone, he's dead, Mumbo gets his friend back but I don't get my brother, he's gone and it's my fault, Scar. Is. Dead.

"Whatever you're thinking, stop it right now, Cub."

"But it's my fault..." Cub mumbled, still not focusing on who was in front of him.

The other sucked in a sharp breath.

"No! Never! Cub, look at me! I'm right here! Scar! Not dead! I know you were worried, but I told you you would fix it! And you did! See? Cowboy-pirate-Vex, standing right here in front of you!"

Cub blinked and looked at the taller man that had placed his hands on his shoulders and was giving him a concerned look.

"Is it really you...?"

"Of course! There's only one Scar!"

Cub couldn't believe his eyes. He's really here. I'm dreaming. But I'm not.

"Even with the passion of a thousand Scars?" Cub asked, quoting his favorite line.

Scar was smiling again as he slowly took his hat back and placed it on his head.

"Even with the passion of a thousand Scars indeed!"

Cub's eyes started to water and he buried his face in the brown leather jacket of his friend he thought he had lost.

And life was back to normal.

————

Ren swooped into the stock exchange with no time to lose.

"Alrighty Doc, no more slacking off! You many have lost the aerial dogfight with the phantoms, but now it's time to get back into the groove of things!"

He unlocked the back part of the stock exchange and hustled up to the office overlooking the back side of the mountain. The diamonds that were still missing weren't even a concern as Ren popped the cork on the harming potion and marched up to the bush in the corner of the office and poured the dark red potion all over the plant. The green stem shriveled and the black leaves with red veins lost their slight glow. When Grian had messed with it as a joke before the start of the war Doc had immediately felt the disturbance and had caused a small panic. Grian had apologized profusely for scaring everyone, but after that they had decided it was going to be a rule that no one should mess with another's tree.

"Guess we're bypassing that rule," Ren chuckled to himself. He smashed the healing potion between his hands and tree's particles almost immediately changed to the same golden that Grian's had emitted.

Almost immediately Ren got a text, and when he saw who it was the werewolf smiled. Without a second's hesitation he was sprinting back through the stock exchange, leaving the door open, and came out to the plaza out front where the two stock brokers had had a station set up. Standing beside the bed was a creeper hybrid with the robotic arm and mask, white lab coat blowing slightly in the wind.

"Doc!"

"Hey Ren," Doc sighed, hands in his lab coat pockets and a scowl on his face. 

"Why so down? You're fine!" Ren asked with a hint of worry. Was something wrong?

Doc huffed. "Yeah, but I still died. I missed figuring everything out," he grumbled.

"Of course you're upset about this. Come on, let's go see if we can go greet False," Ren grabbed Doc's robotic arm and pulled him along, grinning with exhilaration that life was returning to normal.

————

Impulse took a deep breath as he poured the healing potions onto the bases of his two bros' trees. The black particles almost immediately changed to golden, and while Tango's tree already looked slightly dead even at full health it still perked up, a few sharp, dark yellow leaves sprouting from small twigs, and Zedaph's tree immediately bloomed with pristine white-gold leaves.

Impulse waited, unsure of what to do next. In all honesty, he was scared of his own reaction. Zedaph had been one to die early on, and he probably wouldn't be too bothered, except that the last thing he probably remembered was everyone panicking over Grian's, Wels's, and TFC's deaths. But Tango...

Tango had known what was going on. He had been there for the traveling nonstop, searching for anything that could possibly be a cure. But then suddenly he just went psycho, attacking anyone in his path with a feral rage and primitive tactics- not even his sword, as Python was head butted and stabbed with the demon horns on Tango's head. Impulse had hated what he had done to stop his friend before any more damage could be done: he had slid his own sword through his chest. If it weren't that they had already gotten clues to a cure, Impulse would have lost it. Murdering his own friend? He knew that the others were holding back grief until they found a solution, but that image of the shocked expression on the bloodthirsty demon's face was seared into Impulse's mind.

Stop thinking about that! Impulse scolded himself. He decided to admire the golden particles that were coming off the trees still, trying to brush off his worries by thinking about how gold was very much his thing.

"He'll be alright. They both will. Everything will be back to normal," the dark-haired man sighed shakily.

Watching the swirls did nothing to help.

He didn't currently know where Tango's and Zed's spawn points were, as they had all been busy with their own stuff and hadn't worked on any projects together were they would have slept where Impulse would know.

I'll text them where to meet up, Impulse decided. He swiftly pulled out his phone and texted their private chat to meet them in Tango's fairy grotto. He was already there, as they had decided if they were going to have a very colorfully decorated fantasy place, they might as well have their trio of yellow-topped trees there as well.

"Impulse!"

He turned halfway to be clapped on the back by the strong arm and his demon friend bounding around his side happily.

"You're back! I'm back, cause I'm assuming I died! Is everyone else? What did you do to fix it?!"

Impulse instinctively pulled back from Tango and stared at him cautiously. Tango's carefree smile fell and Impulse cursed himself under his breath as soon as he realized what he had done.

"What... happened?" Tango asked slowly.

The dark-haired man opened and closed his mouth, trying to find the words to explain. He didn't WANT to be mad at his friend- he knew Tango would never do something like that if he had truly been himself.

Get it out of your head, Impulse! It's over now!

He shook his head but Tango grabbed his forearm with his hidden strength and look into his friend's eyes.

"Impulse."

"Tango."

"What happened?"

"Nothing! Nothing. It's all fine now."

"But you're... scared of me?" Tango titled his head in confusion. "Did I do something?" He frowned again. "Fear... I remember... fear? Confusion? And anger... so much anger? Why was I angry? And... I did something bad, didn't I..."

Impulse grimaced. "You... May have killed Python..."

Tango's eyes widened.  "I- I-"

"It's okay! We're all better now! The trees have been healed, no one is dead!"

Tango was about to protest again when someone yelled their names and slammed them into a group hug.

"Impulse! Tangoooo! What's going on? I- I don't know, I don't remember? Explain to me what in the world happened!"

"ZEDAPH!" Impulse cried and threw his arms around the beach blonde in return. Zed looked pale with stress and his eyes held a panicked, concerned light.

"You're back!" Tango exclaimed, the worry he had just held about his forgotten actions disappearing.

"Where did I go? Is everyone alright? Did we find out what happened to Grian and... who else? I can't remember!"

"It's a long story man, but it's all good now," Impulse said, glancing between both his friends. Tango shrugged, deciding to take Impulse's word for their earlier argument, while Zed started to get control of himself and took a deep, calming breath and wiped the tears that had started to form in his eyes.

"Well, whatever happened, I'm glad everything is alright. I'd hate for half the server to have died!"

Tango wheezed while Impulse silently laughed, the feeling of normality returning after a week of terror and grief.

"You have NO idea."

The End.

—————————

I'm satisfied with that ending. I was going to do a little more, but at 4500 words I think this is a good place to end it.

Of course, everyone who died is revived, but I decided that writing scenes for everyone would make this too long and repetitive. Everything is back to normal!

Death count: 0! No more weapons in my face please?

How do you feel about this? Sad? Happy? Satisfied? Not? This has been an experiment for me and I'd love to see how you all felt reading through the entirety of Tree of Life

#hermitcraft #cubfan135 #goodtimeswithscar #mumbo jumbo #renthedog #docm77 #impulsesv #tangotek #zedaph #tree of life au #ToL #finale part 2 #im interested to see reactions because this has been posted so differently than when i was writing it #:D #becca writes

[faveficarchive]

Beyond Price

By: A.L.Dunham

Pairing: Xena/Gabrielle

Rating: PG-13

Synopsis: Gabrielle makes a deal with Ares, and the results might prove deadly.

CHAPTER ONE

The air in the room was heavy and oppressive, a tangible force pressing in upon the occupants. Gabrielle wanted nothing better than to throw open the windows, but sleet beat down outside and she had been warned that the last thing Xena needed was a chill.

Frustrated by her helplessness, the bard could only sit beside her dearest love, murmuring low peaceful words and hoping that they were heard. She looked up expectantly when a short, rotund man walked into the room.

“Any change?” He asked brusquely.

“No. She hasn’t woken up.”

“Damn sickness wiped out half the village to the north,” the man said under his breath as he stood at a small side table and began grinding together a mixture of herbs.

“But she’s a fast healer. She’ll be alright,” Gabrielle’s words were half statement, half imploring question.

“I don’t know,” the healer said gently. “I’m surprised she’s lasted this long.”

“Well you must be able to do something for her!”

Gabrielle rose from her seat and advanced towards the healer, her eyes begging him to answer her with reassurances.

“Believe me, I’m doing everything I can,” he said.

Gabrielle turned back to the warrior, lying so still and weak. Tears pricked her eyes but she refused to let them fall. She had to be the strong one. She leaned down close to Xena’s face and whispered in her ear.

“I lost you once… I am not going to lose you again!”

Then she stood up and spoke to the healer, a fire burning behind her eyes, her face set in a mask of determination.

“Watch her. Don’t you dare let her die on me. I just have a quick errand to run.”

The healer had turned away during the bard’s private moment with her warrior, but he knew and could see the love, fierce and unwavering, emanating from her as she spoke.

“I’ll take good care of her,” he assured her.

Gabrielle ran a soothing hand over the warrior’s forehead and kissed her gently on the lips before quickly turning to leave the room. She only paused to grab her cloak and staff and then she was gone.

Outside the air was frigid and held the taste of snow. The ground was frozen hard and slippery from the recent storm. Still, Gabrielle found it a relief after the stuffy confines of the healer’s home. She passed some village residents and returned their friendly greetings. The healer had obviously told them of the warrior princess who lay so deathly ill. She couldn’t know that he had spoken more of the warrior’s companion, tireless in her efforts to comfort and heal.

It was only a short walk to the center of the village and once there she didn’t falter in her steps to the temple. It was small, but carefully maintained. A fire burned in the pit before the alter, which was covered with candles and small offerings. There were no statues; the village was too small for that, but weapons, meticulously polished, hung on the walls, silent testament to the god who was worshipped there.

Gabrielle walked to the alter and knelt down. She didn’t begin the usual litany of worship, but simply whispered her plea.

“Ares,” her voice was barely audible, “please come to me and show yourself.” She remained kneeling, prepared to wait patiently for some sign, but she hadn’t long to wait.

“Well look who’s here! Does your warrior know where you are?” The god spoke in mocking tones.

“You know she doesn’t,” Gabrielle replied, drawing on a strength she had almost depleted. “I’m sure you’ve kept your eye on her.”

“Well, yes. I admit that I have. Just waiting for opportunity to knock.”

“Well it won’t have much of a chance if she dies,” Gabrielle stated. “Don’t look so shocked… You just said you’ve been watching everything.”

“Yes I have. My surprise comes from you thinking that it will all be over if she dies. Have you any idea how much I have planned for her in Tartarus?”

Gabrielle noticeably paled and reached out a hand to support herself on the alter.

“That’s not where she’s going.”

“Oh isn’t it? Little Gabrielle, such the optimist.”

“Only Hades makes that decision!” Gabrielle exclaimed.

“True, true, but you know I always have a few favors I can call in,” he chuckled as he watched the bard struggle with herself.

Tears threatened to overwhelm her but she held them in check.

“Ares, I didn’t come here to argue with you. I came to ask your help… your mercy.”

“Help? Mercy?! For a mortal who turned her back on me?!”

“For a mortal how helped you regain your godhead.”

“I gave her my thanks for that. She got her body back., didn’t she?”

Gabrielle only stared at him. If it hadn’t been for him Callisto never would have been able to switch bodies with Xena in the first place.

“Look bard, you know I can’t grant your request without an offering. I’d look like a sappy wuss.”

The air in the temple grew perfectly still as Gabrielle lowered her gaze to the floor.

“I don’t have anything to give you,” she said, and then remembered the pendant Xena had given her one week after they admitted their love for one another.

Xena had been almost shy, presenting her with the golden necklace. It was a miniature version of her chakram, complete with tiny blue gems. Gabrielle had cried, unable to contain her joy. Then they had talked and made love and held each other all night long.

Now Gabrielle’s hand moved up to brush over the symbol of her love and then she opened her mouth to speak.

“Oh don’t bother. Such sentimentality! No, I don’t want your precious necklace.”

Gabrielle looked at him, clearly confused, “Then what?”

“Your innocence. Xena’s life for your innocence… an even trade I believe.”

“What?” the bard was even more confused. “I don’t—“

“For the love of—do I have to spell it out for you? Your blood innocence. I want you to kill someone.”

Gabrielle stared at him blankly. Take a life? She had long ago sworn never to do such a thing, knowing even then that it could someday come to that. Now she thought of Xena, lying so helpless, depending on her.

“W- who?” she asked quietly.

“Oh no one in particular. I’m going to make it easy on you. See, I’ll heal Xena and you will then have ten days to make your first kill. The way you two run into trouble it shouldn’t take more than two,” Ares chuckled to himself.

“You mean Xena will be with me?” this was getting worse and worse.

“Why yes, of course. I’m willing to keep her alive but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t relish inflicting a little pain. What could be more painful than seeing her little girlfriend start down the same road that she chose so many years ago?”

Gabrielle looked straight at Ares but did not see him. She saw only the look that she knew would shadow Xena’s features if she did as he required. Then she saw the bleak years ahead of her if Xena were to die.

“I haven’t got all day, blondie. You should be grateful. You only have to kill someone who’s out for your blood anyway. I could be telling you to kill your own mother.”

The young woman blinked and looked Ares in the eye. In a way he was right. The person she killed would not be an innocent. She thought of Xena, bravely holding onto life…how could she let her die knowing she could prevent it? Xena’s life for that of a blood thirsty stranger. How difficult was the decision, really?

“Alright, Ares,” she said firmly, “I accept your conditions.”

Ares smiled, “I’m glad, little bard. I admit that I would have missed having Xena here on the mortal plane. Go now… She’s calling for you. Remember… ten days.”

Before his words could completely reach Gabrielle’s ears Ares had disappeared in a flash of white light. The stunned Amazon was frozen for a moment, unable to comprehend the bargain which had just been struck. Then, with a small gasp she turned on her heel and bolted out of the temple.

Gabrielle was chilled to the bone and her mind was spinning by the time she arrived back at the healer’s cottage. The sky had darkened to a dull metal grey and the sleet had changed to a drizzling, half-hearted rain.

The bard stepped through the door and quickly shed her cape, brushing the cold water from her forehead as she did so.

Stephanos came shuffling out of the back room as soon as he heard Gabrielle enter. She looked at him with the trepidation borne of many false hopes.

“How is she?” she ventured to ask.

“I can hardly explain it, young bard! She woke not half a candlemark ago! Been askin’ for you ever since.”

Gabrielle hardly heard his words, she only picked up on his cheerful expression and then hurried to where she had left her lover.

Her eyes traveled quickly over Xena’s form, noting the subtle change in coloring, the relaxed expression on her face. The blue eyes were closed, but Gabrielle could easily imagine them beaming out at her. She went to the bed and took one of Xena’s hands in both of hers.

“Can you hear me Xena?” she asked quietly.

The warrior nodded as she slowly opened her eyes.

“Yes,’ she said, her voice rough from disuse, “and your hands are like ice! Have you been out in this weather?” she arched an eyebrow indicating the window which was being pelted by the now steady rain.

“Only for a minute. I had to run an errand. But I’m here now. I promise not to leave your side.”

Xena saw the devotion in her bard’s eyes and smiled.

“Well I think I could permit you a little free time,” she joked and was relieved to see the familiar sparkle in the bright green eyes.

“How long have I been out of it?”

“Almost a quarter-moon. Five days,” Gabrielle replied.

“Mmm…” Xena’s brow wrinkled as she struggled to remember. “I remember killing that big cobra north of Antires. Is that where we are now?”

“Yeah. You weren’t feeling well so you decided we should stay at an inn for a change.” The bard didn’t mention how Xena’s mere admission of illness had been enough to frighten her. “You took a fever that night and I couldn’t wake you. The innkeeper’s son carried you here to the village healer, Stephanos. He’s been great.”

Xena laid a hand against Gabrielle’s cheek. “Yeah, but you’re the one who really makes me feel better.”

Gabrielle turned her head to kiss the warrior’s palm, slightly surprised by the touching admission in a strange and almost public place.

“Well ya know, that’s part of my job as ‘trusty sidekick’,” the bard said in an effort to lighten the mood.

“Oh I think it goes way beyond ‘trusty sidekick’.” Xena said with that sly little look that Gabrielle was so familiar with.

“It does, hmmm?”

“Oh yeah,” the warrior murmured as she pulled Gabrielle down for an achingly slow kiss.

When they broke apart Gabrielle gave a little laugh. “Well you sure know how to make me feel better too.”

After a few more minutes of simply basking in their connection Gabrielle insisted that Xena close her eyes and go back to sleep.

“Only if you’ll lie down too,” the warrior countered.

“Xena, it’s a small bed and you need to get your rest.”

“We’ve shared smaller and you look like you could use some rest, too.”

Gabrielle had to admit that her lover was right, on both counts.

“C’mon…” Xena was using her best pouty-child voice, “you know I always sleep better with you beside me.”

Gabriele rolled her eyes at the mixture of flattery and whining, but she was also smiling and she bent over to unlace her boots. Xena grinned in victory and moved over to one edge of the bed. Soon the bard was comfortably ensconced in the tiny bed, curled next to a very content warrior. She noticed that Xena’s eyes were very quick to close after they arranged themselves in a tangle of arms and legs. It was a small sign of how sick the warrior had been and how much she still needed to recover.

The bard let her eyes trace over her love’s features, once again committing them to memory. She knew that she had made the right decision. For now though, she wanted to forget about deals and killing and all the other troubling things that played at the edges of her consciousness. She settled her head on Xena’s chest and allowed herself to be lulled to sleep by the steady rhythm beneath her ear.

Gabrielle woke early the next morning, pleased to find that her companion held no trace of fever and was breathing comfortably. Nevertheless she knew that Xena still had some recovering to do and she quietly slipped out of the bed and padded into the common room where Stephanos was making breakfast.

“Good morning, Gabrielle,” he greeted her, “you’re looking better rested than you have since I met you.”

“Yeah, well knowing that Xena’s going to be ok does a lot for my sleeping patterns,” she joked.

“I’m making some nice, mild cereal for the warrior. Hopefully she won’t have any trouble keeping it down. Sit yourself down and you can test it out,” he said with a wink.

“Oh I think she’ll be able to handle it,” Gabrielle said, knowing that thanks to Ares the illness was gone and only the slight aftereffects remained. “How long do you think it will be before she’s able to travel?”

“Well now, I don’t care how fast a healer she is I wouldn’t go making plans already!” Stephanos said with a laugh, entranced by the bard’s gung-ho optimism. He scooped some hot cereal into a bowl and set it before her on the table.

“I know, I know, but she gets really irritable when she’s cooped up,” Gabrielle said between bites. “I have a feeling she’ll be demanding that we move on soon.”

“Hmmm… ya, I can see that might be the way with her. If she eats ok for the next few days she should be strong enough to travel. But remember, the weather here isn’t exactly good for the health.”

“I’m hoping that she’ll agree to go south. We have friends there and once we get out of the mountains the weather should improve,” Gabrielle said.

Stephanos nodded and then moved to don his cloak.

“I have to run to the other end of the village, but you just see that she gets some of that cereal when she wakes,” he said.

“I will. And thanks, Stephanos. For everything.”

Stephanos, like so many before him, blushed under Gabrielle’s sincere and generous thanks. He gave her a little nod and smile and then walked out, shutting the door tight behind himself.

Gabrielle continued eating the bland but filling breakfast as she worked out a plan in her mind. She knew that her stubborn warrior would insist on leaving within the next day. She would go along with her but would convince Xena to go to the Amazons and finish rebuilding her strength there. It would take about two days to get out of the mountains, but there were numerous villages they could stop at to rest. Once in the lowlands it would only be another day or two before they reached the Amazons. That would still give her at least two days to complete her part of the bargain. She would make up some excuse to leave Xena in the village…maybe she could say she wanted to visit the Amazon outposts while they were there. Then she could do Ares’ bidding and return without Xena ever knowing. After all, Ares had just assumed the warrior would be with her. He had never demanded that she be present. Yes, that’s how she would do it. It wouldn’t be so hard. It was worth it to keep Xena alive.

A sound from the other room caused Gabrielle to jerk her head in that direction. She quickly filled another bowl with cereal, poured hot water over the herbal tea Stephanos had left, and carried it all into Xena’s room.

“Are you awake?” she asked, seeing that Xena’s eyes were closed.

“Yep,” came the reply, “saw that you weren’t here so I thought I’d just close my eyes again.”

“Sorry about that,” Gabrielle said, remembering that she had promised not to leave. “I was just in the other room. I brought you something to eat, and some nice tea.”

The bard set down the bowl and mug and helped Xena adjust her pillows so that she was sitting up.

“Smells good,” Xena commented, sniffing experimentally at the tea.

“Better than you make,” Gabrielle grinned, “Stephanos actually puts in stuff to cover the bitter taste of the medicine.”

“Hmph. That’s kids’ stuff,” she said, but she took a long sip of tea and her face relaxed at the smooth, sweet taste.

“Kids’ stuff, eh?” Gabrielle questioned.

Xena opened eyes that had slipped closed in contentment, “Ok, so maybe it’s pretty good.” She smiled and caught her partner’s eyes in a loving gaze.

“I’m feeling better already,” Xena said cheerfully as she finished the last of her food.

“Mmm-hmmm,” Gabrielle replied, knowing that the debate was about to begin.

“Yeah. We can head out tomorrow morning,” the warrior said with authority.

“Actually I was thinking that we should stay here for at least another quarter-moon.”

“Seven days?!” it was Xena’s typical response and Gabrielle had been expecting it which was why she’d set her estimate so high. “How about tomorrow afternoon?” the warrior countered.

“Mmm… I really think you need more rest than that.”

“Gabrielle…” Xena’s voice was a low rumbling in her chest.

“Ok, day after tomorrow,” the bard offered.

“Deal,” Xena agreed and settled back against the pillows.

Gabrielle watched her and smiled. Oh yeah, she knew her warrior pretty well.

Xena’s eyes were slowly drifting shut and it was relatively easy for the bard to convince her to take a little nap. She mentioned that she would probably use the time to update her scrolls and look around for something to eat for lunch. Xena chuckled at the way Gabrielle was already thinking of their next meal. Then she turned to the young amazon and accepted a gentle kiss before rolling onto her side and allowing sleep to steal over her.

The worst of the weather seemed to have passed and Gabrielle wandered over to the window. It was still overcast but for once the bard was the restless one and she decided that some staff drills were definitely in order. She gave one last check on her partner, pulling the blankets up to her chin, and then grabbed her staff and headed outside. There was a small yard behind the healer’s hut and Gabrielle viewed it as the ideal practice place.

The bard reflected that it had taken all of her storytelling skills to keep her secret from Xena during breakfast. Her mind was crowded with plans guilt and doubt surrounding the task she had before her. She knew that keeping up the act would only become more difficult but she could only imagine the warrior’s reaction if she found out about the deal. She wasn’t about to allow that to happen. No. Xena had made numerous sacrifices, taken dozens of risks, given everything for her, and she was not about to do any less for the warrior.

Before beginning her drills Gabrielle tried to clear all those thoughts from her mind. She stood in the center of the yard and started with breathing exercises. She closed her eyes and drew in a breath of cool air. A warm front had moved in and pushed the sleet and rain off, but the air was still raw and damp. It cut into her lungs and bit at her exposed skin but instead of being painful it focused and invigorated her.

After a few more breaths she began with simple moves, allowing her muscles to stretch out and relax into the routine. Overhead the sun began moving from behind the hazy cloud cover. By the time it was fully visible the amazon had transitioned into a more complex series of motions. She had moved beyond the problems and troubles in her mind. Her body moved with the precision and grace of a musician who no longer has to think of the music but who simply plays.

Eventually she began to slow down her movements, turning lazy eights in the air, and circling her imaginary opponent. She was breathing heavily and feeling every part of her body sing out when she finally executed an overhead twirl and planted her staff on the ground.

“Very impressive.”

Gabrielle spun around and watched as Xena stepped from the shadows near the house. She gave her warrior a mock stern look as she walked over to her.

“You are supposed to be in bed,” she said as she slipped one arm around Xena’s waist.

The warrior was dressed in her leathers, minus armor, and her thick wool cloak.

“Yes, but I wore this,” she said, tugging at the black wool, “so I thought that would balance things out.” She grinned down at her red-headed bard and was rewarded with and all out smile.

“Well I think we’d better get you back inside before I decide that we should stay an extra day,” Gabrielle joked as she took Xena’s hand and led her back into the hut.

“Yes mom,” Xena replied in a voice that dripped sarcasm.

Gabrielle rolled her eyes and gave the warrior a gentle backhand to the stomach which caused the warrior to let out a growl that quickly degenerated into a laugh.

“I thought you were going to find lunch,” she said as she hung up her cloak and placed Gabrielle’s staff near the door.

“You’re hungry?!” Gabrielle exclaimed. Xena rarely let on that she possessed such mundane feelings.

“Maybe a little,” Xena replied with her characteristic half smile.

“Well you sit yourself down by the fire and I’ll see what I can do,” the bard said happily as she poked through Stephanos’ food stores. The kind healer had already given her free reign in the kitchen, citing that she was a far better cook.

Xena seated herself at the heavy wooden table, slightly surprised at how good it felt to sink into the soft cushions which padded the chair. Maybe Gabrielle was right about needing a little rest. She glanced around the main room of the dwelling, taking it in for the first time. There wasn’t much furniture aside from the table and four chairs surrounding it. A bench sat front of the fireplace along with a willow rocking chair with a small table in between them. Along the opposite wall were shelves full of small jars, flasks and other medical supplies. A wide shelf a little higher than waist height served as a work surface there. There were a few more shelves near the fireplace that held dishes and food.

At the back of the room were the doors leading to Stephanos’ room and the sickroom. There were curtains draped across the doorways and the one leading into the sickroom could be tied back with a length of cord and a nail in the wall. Xena supposed that was sot hat the healer could watch his patient even from the front room.

Before long Xena was brought out of her observations by Gabrielle placing a wonderful smelling bowl of soup in front of her.

“This looks great,” she said, “just what I needed.”

Gabrielle smiled at the compliment and sat down with her own bowl. Before she could start eating Xena reached across the table and grabbed her hand.

“I mean it, Gabrielle,” she said, “thank you for everything. You always take such good care of me.”

Gabrielle felt her heart speed up at Xena’s touch, feeling the love pass between them through their hands and through their eyes.

“You deserve it,” the bard said thoughtfully. Not ‘you’d do the same for me’, not ‘oh it’s nothing’, but ‘you deserve it’. The phrase was a pointed reminder of how Gabrielle viewed her lover, as a woman who deserved everything she could give her. Everything including… Gabrielle could feel her thoughts moving in a dangerous direction and occupied herself with her soup.

As Xena drank down the last of the broth from her soup she peered over the edge of the bowl at Gabrielle. She was trying to gauge the bard’s mood.

“Ummm,” she finally started speaking, “I really am feeling a lot better, Gabrielle.”

“Xena…” the bard’s voice held the warrior’s usual dangerous tone.

“No, really. I think we should head out tomorrow while the weather’s still good.”

One look at Xena’s face and Gabrielle knew that arguing would be futile so she decided to take advantage of the situation as best she could.

“Ok. We’ll leave tomorrow. But…” she paused for effect and Xena tapped her foot, “we head towards the amazon village where we can both have a nice long rest.”

Xena’s eyes narrowed. Gabrielle had certainly gotten to be a shrewd bargainer in and out of the marketplace.

“Yeah, that sounds like a good plan,” she agreed, knowing that Gabrielle could be just as stubborn as she was. “I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to see their queen.”

Gabrielle colored slightly and grinned in response to Xena’s mention of her title. She was always a little taken aback when her lover referred to her that way… though sometimes it had led to some interesting little ‘games’. Her smile widened and Xena guessed what she was thinking about.

“That’s another good reason to leave. As nice as Stephanos is, I doubt that he’d take to kindly to us keeping him up all night.”

The warrior raised one eyebrow suggestively and Gabrielle squirmed in her seat.

“You may have a point!”

CHAPTER TWO

Gabrielle woke the next morning to an empty bed. Obviously Xena was very serious about getting on the road. The bard smiled… her warrior could be so single-minded! Hard to believe that two days ago she had been close to death. A sudden knot formed in Gabrielle’s stomach and she rolled over, counting the days. Yes, it had been two days since her deal with Ares… at least she assumed he wasn’t counting the day she actually made it. She slowly got out of bed, dreading what she knew her future held and wishing that she could just fast forward to after she had done it. Maybe that way she wouldn’t feel it so much.

“Up already, huh Gabrielle?” Xena said as she entered the room.

“Wh-what?” the bard replied, her mind still flooded with dark thoughts.

“I figured I’d have to drag you out of that comfy bed,” the warrior turned from where she was gathering up their saddlebags and took hold of her lover’s shoulders. “Are you ok, Gabrielle? You seem a little out of it.”

Gabrielle shook her head to clear it and plastered a smile on her face. “Oh you know me, just takes a while for me to wake up all the way.”

“Ok, just checking,” Xena replied as she bent to take the bard’s lips with her own.

It was a sweet, loving kiss and just as they parted a tear formed in Gabrielle’s eye and she blinked quickly to rid herself of it. Would Xena still be kissing her if she knew about her deal with Ares? Would she love her after she had gone against her own rules and killed someone? The bard moved away and packed up her scrolls. She tried to convince herself that it didn’t matter how Xena felt about her, at least she’d be alive.

Part of Xena’s early morning activities had included catching two fat rabbits and a string of fish. It took some wheedling but eventually Stephanos was convinced to keep them, as payment for all his help. Gabrielle contributed a heartfelt hug and a kiss on the cheek while the round man blushed furiously.

“You just make sure she stays healthy,” he said, patting Gabrielle on the back.

“Believe me,’ Gabrielle replied, “that’s my mission in life.” She gave a little smile, reflecting how true that statement was.

By the time bard and healer had parted Xena was finished tightening Argo’s girth. She swung herself up into the saddle and then reached down for her partner. Gabrielle looked at her as if she had suddenly grown snakes for hair.

“C’mon Gabrielle. You’re the one who wants to make sure we get to the amazons as soon as possible, right?”

“Oh alright,” the bard grumbled as she allowed herself to be lifted up behind the warrior.

She settled herself against Xena’s back as they moved off. Her face pressed into the wool cloak she had insisted the warrior wear, breathing in the comforting scent. She let herself relax, closing her eyes against the real world and imagining that the wonderful feelings surrounding her at that moment would never end.

For a few candle-marks Gabrielle’s attempts at denial worked well. She was able to push aside everything except her intense feelings of love for the woman she clung to. Xena, surprised that Gabrielle hadn’t demanded to get down and walk, was grateful for the contact as well.

Her illness had infested her with fever dreams and troubling images from her past. Gabrielle’s solid, very real presence behind her gave her a feeling of security and belonging. She was awake and healthy and she had the most wonderful woman to love and be loved by. That knowledge quickly chased any remaining demons to the far corners of her mind.

They stopped for only a brief rest and lunch under the trees and then Xena was mildly surprised when Gabrielle was the one to insist they move on. The warrior looked carefully at her partner and spotted the tiny wrinkle on her brow, a sure sign that something was going on with her. Well, they’d be with the amazons soon, plenty of time to figure out this little mystery then.

She couldn’t know the bard’s reason for agreeing to ride and her reluctance to stop. Gabrielle, now that she had set a course for herself, was terrified that they would come upon some sort of trouble before she could leave Xena with the amazons. She wanted to complete her task without the warrior knowing about it, but what if she was given her chance beforehand? Could she risk Xena’s life by not taking it?

Gabrielle continued to ride after lunch but now Xena could feel a certain tenseness in her body and she had to cover the bards nervous hands with one of her own before those gentle fingers drove her to distraction with their constant stroking along her stomach. The bard did grin somewhat abashedly at that, and as Xena thought back she realized it was the first real smile she had seen all day.

Argo, after a week of barn life, was feeling full of herself. In fact she seemed to be the only member of the little party that wasn’t preoccupied. She tossed her head and took a few prancing steps to get Xena’s attention. The warrior patted her on the neck and spoke soft nonsense words to her. Gabrielle, hearing Xena talking gently to Argo, smiled. She was once again in a place where Xena was the only thing that mattered.

“I think you’re soft on this horse,” she murmured, resting her chin on the warrior’s shoulder.

“Not at all,” Xena retorted playfully, “I just wanted to make sure… she was paying attention.” Her explanation definitely needed work.

“Uh-huh,” Gabrielle commented, giving her a little tickle under the ribs.

“Ok, ok,” rolled eyes and a smirk accompanied her admission, “maybe I’m a little soft on her. But after all, she is my best friend.” The warrior was eager to continue their friendly bantering, she had felt Gabrielle relax the moment it started.

That earned her a poke and a feral growl near her ear.

Xena turned her head to look into Gabrielle’s eyes, “Ok, second best friend,” she amended and took the opportunity to steal another kiss.

“That’s better,” the bard resumed her position against Xena’s back.

“Trust me, Gabrielle. You are the one thing in this world I couldn’t live without.”

They had only travelled another few hundred paces down the road when Xena suddenly sat straight up, every muscle on alert.

“Get down,” she whispered to Gabrielle. “Men, a dozen or so, riding right towards us.”

Gabrielle’s eyes went wide. “Well c’mon, lets get off the road and hide,” she replied, her voice low.

“I said there are only a dozen of them. We can handle that many, easy,” a spark was lit in Xena’s eyes.

“But you’re still recovering,” Gabrielle insisted.

The warrior looked down at her love and was startled to see a look of fear on her face. She hadn’t seen that look in battle for a very long time. Gabrielle was too good with her staff to be frightened of much these days. She opened her mouth to ask what the real problem was, but it was too late as the dust from the approaching riders heralded their entrance from around a bend in the road.

The men were distinctly scruffy looking and Gabrielle gave up any hope that they were simply a group of friends out for a ride. Xena, having never harbored such a hope merely let her hand drift to her chakram, her eyes sending a clear message to the ruffians. Unfortunately it was one they chose not to read.

“That’s a fine horse,” the leader spoke, unsheathing his sword and pointing at Argo. “Maybe you let us have ‘er and we won’t bother with you.”

“And maybe I won’t let you have her and you still won’t bother us,” Xena said, her voice oozing control, her body ready to attack.

The leader was a large man, with a tousled shock of greasy dark hair and a rough beard which he stroked thoughtfully, as if considering the proposition.

“Nah, I don’t think that’s one of the options here,” he said and at a nod from him the other men dismounted, unsheathing their swords as they did so.

Gabrielle took up her battle stance as five of the men approached her. The others were busy surrounding Xena and Argo. The leader, still mounted, charged at the leather-clad warrior princess but Xena wasn’t about to chance Argo getting hurt. She vaulted from the saddle as she gave her war cry, easily toppling the leader from his horse and sending the other warriors into a frenzy of fighting.

Xena could tell from the outset that it wouldn’t be much of a fight. With a few well executed thrusts and turns she was able to unarm half of the men attacking her. She spared a glance for her companion but saw that Gabrielle had things well under control.

Actually the amazon bard was feeling anything but controlled. While her body fought the men in front of her, her mind fought with itself, struggling to decide if this was the time for her to fulfill her deal with Ares. Luckily the men weren’t very skilled and she was able to fend them off even with her lack of concentration. The first two fell easily into senseless heaps when she diverted their attention and then pushed them head first into each other. The next was slightly harder but she finished him off with a sweep to his legs followed by a downward blow to the head, just hard enough to incapacitate.

She was down to her final opponent and he sneered at her as she spun her staff in front of herself, waiting for an opening. He drove his sword at her midsection and she deflected the blow and landed one of her own to his stomach. After a moment of recovery he looked at her with blood in his eye.

“I’m gonna have fun with you, missy,” he chuckled. “We’ll see how tough you are with this staff,” he continued, as he vulgarly grabbed at his crotch.

“Yeah, we’ll see,” Gabrielle replied, a sudden hardness invading her eyes.

Before the man could even react she had spun around and smashed her staff down onto his sword arm, sending the weapon skittering to the ground at her feet. She knew that with one well placed blow to his head it would all be over. The fight and the deal. She was well aware that the staff could be just as deadly as any sword. Her mind was still at war, though, now wondering if she would ever be able to use her staff again once she had used it to kill a man.

The moment of indecision was all the man needed. He made a rough grab at her staff. For a brief second she resisted, then knelt down and let him jerk it away from her as she picked up his sword. The man hadn’t really intended on taking the staff for himself, he only wanted to get it away from the bard, and now it slipped out of his grasp as he stared down the length of his own steel.

It would be so easy to kill him. One twist of her wrist and she could drive the point into his heart. She’d certainly seen it done often enough to know where to strike. Her hands shook as she closed down her mind and heart to what she was about to do.

“Gabrielle! Duck!” Xena’s voice cut through the haze that enveloped her and she instantly obeyed, dropping to her knees in the dirt.

She heard the whine of the warrior’s chakram as it flew over her head and hit a man who had been sneaking up on her then ricocheted and struck the man she had been fighting. Xena ran to the bard’s side, quickly helping her up and scanning for injuries. Then she took the sword from Gabrielle’s nerveless fingers.

“What were you doing with this?” she asked, stunned and confused by what she had seen.

“I—I lost my staff in the fight,” Gabrielle explained, only a slight untruth, “it was the only weapon I could grab.” She avoided Xena’s gaze, looking instead at the warriors slowly regaining their senses around them.

Xena bent to pick up the staff which lay only a foot away from Gabrielle. Something was not right and now she wondered if it would wait until they reached the amazons. She handed the staff to Gabrielle wordlessly and moved to yank the ruffian leader into an upright position.

“Listen up,” she said as he struggled to focus his eyes on her. “Lucky for you and your men I’m in a good mood and decided not to kill any of you. If I see you again I can guarantee I will not be in a good mood. Now get yourselves together and get outta here.”

He nodded vigorously and stumbled to his feet. Within minutes the men had staggered down the road and out of sight.

Gabrielle was sitting on a fallen log, staff across her lap, chin in her hands, eyes staring out at nothing. Xena sidled up to her slowly and sat down beside her, draping one arm over the strong shoulders.

“Ya wanna talk about what just happened?” she asked.

“Not really,” Gabrielle answered. “I wouldn’t have really killed him,” she said softly, knowing that it was quite possibly a lie.

“I know you wouldn’t,” Xena said. She knew her bard could never kill another person, but she was concerned about her emotional well-being after being put in such a situation. “Sometimes it’s a shock to even come close,” she said, attempting to comfort to woman beside her.

“Yeah. It is,” and this time it was the absolute truth.

CHAPTER THREE

Warrior and bard sat in silence for an unmeasured time as they both cleared their heads. Xena idly plucked some wild blueberries from a bush next to her and offered them to the shaken amazon. Gabrielle smiled as she took one, that wonderful, open smile that the warrior had been wanting to see all day. It was her first indication that things might be alright after all.

“Thanks, Xena,” Gabrielle said as she munched on the berries. “These are great.”

Xena grinned and popped a few into her own mouth, well aware of the fact that just about any food was ‘great’ to her bard. Much to her surprise the warrior found herself discussing the amazons, Ephiny and her son, the recent treaties, any light topic that would help Gabrielle to relax and think of something more cheerful than the thoughts that were obviously bothering her. Xena was pleased when Gabrielle launched into a recently revised version of an old amazon tale she had been working on.

The two of them gathered themselves together and started down the road again, with Gabrielle continuing her story and Xena leading Argo. They were only a few candlemarks from where they had planned to spend the night so even Gabrielle was content to take a less hectic pace after their eventful afternoon.

Xena started off listening intently to Gabrielle’s words, but eventually her attention began to wander in a way it hadn’t for quite a long time. She was thinking about Gabrielle pointing that sword at the bungling raider. She had clearly seen Gabrielle’s hands shaking even though the bard had obviously been about to drive the weapon through the man’s heart. Xena began to wonder if maybe keeping Gabrielle untrained in swordplay was really a bad idea. Perhaps if she knew a few simple defensive moves she would have been comfortable merely disabling the man instead of thinking that she had to kill him. Considering how often they were around the deadly weapons maybe it was dangerous to have the bard so unskilled in their use. The warrior glanced over at her partner, wondering what thoughts had been running through her head during the battle.

Gabrielle caught Xena looking at her and paused in her story. She could immediately tell that the warrior had not been paying attention. The leather-clad woman was looking off into the forest, pointedly avoiding her eye and any question about the story she might ask.

“That boring?” she asked, a now rare trace of hurt in her voice.

Xena’s heart turned to mush at the bard’s words. “I’m sorry Gabrielle. You’re right. I wasn’t paying attention. Actually I was thinking about you.”

“Oh? What about?” the warrior lacked the sultry look that signaled amorous attentions so Gabrielle was a little apprehensive about what these thoughts might be.

“I was wondering about teaching you to use a blade,” Xena was never known for her subtlety.

“What?!”

“I saw how you held the sword. You might have killed that man, Gabrielle, without even meaning to. If you knew a little more then maybe you’d feel more secure, more able to handle yourself if you lost your staff like that again.”

Gabrielle took a deep breath before answering. “Xena, I don’t want to learn how to use a sword. Really. It was a mistake for me to pick it up and I don’t plan on doing it again.” The words were the truth. She had already decided that if she was going to kill someone she was going to use her own weapon. Anything else would be too suspicious and besides, there was something wrong about using someone else’s weapon to complete a job she had agreed to.

“Are you sure, Gabrielle?” Xena asked, wondering if the bard was still just upset by what had almost happened.

“I’m sure. I think I’ll leave the sharp stuff to you, my warrior,” she replied with what she hoped was a convincing grin.

Apparently it was because Xena wrapped her arm around her shoulders and gave her a brief hug.

“Ok, if that’s what you want. If you change your mind though, the offer still holds.”

“I’ll remember that.”

Xena glanced at the setting sun and then at the road in front of them. “If we both ride we’ll get there in time for dinner. You up for it?”

“I’m always up for dinner,” Gabrielle quipped, this time giving a real smile.

Xena mounted Argo and swiftly pulled her bard up behind her before spurring the war-horse into a comfortable canter towards the town.

It was a small town with only one inn, but luckily there weren’t many other travelers around so getting a room wouldn’t be a problem. While Xena took care of Argo Gabrielle went to approach the inn keeper about a room and meal.

The inn had a tavern on the first floor and Gabrielle scanned it quickly for anyone who looked like trouble. The room was only about half-full and most of the patrons seemed to be villagers or members of a small merchant caravan. She let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding and approached the bar.

One man was seated at the bar and he nodded at her and raised his glass in greeting. Gabrielle smiled in return, pleased that he hadn’t attempted to grope her or leer into her face. She really wasn’t in the mood for that kind of attention. The barkeeper was a skinny man of about forty, clean-shaven with a thinning head of dark brown hair. He smiled as he approached her and once again Gabrielle released a breath. She was glad this village was turning out to be friendly.

“Hello there, amazon,” he said addressing the bard. “The rest of your party is over in the corner there. They didn’t tell me anyone else was coming, but I’ll bring over another bowl of stew for you.”

Gabrielle looked where the man was pointing and saw a round table nearly hidden in the corner and three amazon warriors surrounding it. She recognized one of them as Kira, one of the women she had sparred with during her last visit. The day was definitely looking up.

“Thank you, but actually I’m not traveling with them. My partner is out stabling her horse. We were hoping to get a room for the night.”

“Oh, sorry about the mistake. I’ve got a nice room you can have for five dinars.”

Gabrielle considered dickering over the price but she really wasn’t in the mood to tell stories and that cut down on her ability to negotiate. “That’ll be fine,” she decided. “And it wasn’t really much of a mistake. I am an amazon, and you can bring that food over for me,” she said with a smile.

“No problem, I’ll be right with you.,” the man nodded and moved to go into the kitchen.

The bard looked around, wondering how much longer Xena would be. Well, no sense in waiting, she could certainly approach the amazons without Xena.

The three leather and feather bedecked women were deep in conversation and hadn’t seen Gabrielle enter, but when she started to walk towards their table Kira immediately recognized her and stood up, nudging the others to do the same.

“Queen Gabrielle,” Kira began, “we weren’t aware you were in the area.”

“Well here I am,” Gabrielle replied cheerfully. “Please sit down. And cut out the ‘queen’ stuff,” she added.

The other amazons grinned at each other, feeling blessed to be in the presence of their gentle queen.

Kira spoke up after Gabrielle had seated herself. “This is Linea and Flora,” she introduced her blonde and auburn haired companions.

Gabrielle smiled at both of them while wondering where Xena had gone. She admitted to herself that she was not feeling comfortable trying to appear happy and interested when her mind was so full of secrets.

“So are you headed to the village, Queen… I mean, Gabrielle?” Kira asked.

“Yes, Xena and I were hoping to be able to rest there for a few days. Xena’s been ill and she needs time to recover even if she doesn’t say so.”

The other warriors couldn’t help but grin. They all knew about Xena and her incredible talents. They also knew that most warriors refused to even consider the possibility that something might give them cause to take a break.

“I see you know what I’m talking about,” Gabrielle said, returning their grins with one of her own.

“I think that we can relate,” Flora offered, “being a warrior is the kind of job you don’t take sick days from.”

“Mmmm… well this is one time and one warrior who will… orders of the queen,” Gabrielle replied, her voice taking on a joking authority.

“Gabrielle,” Linea spoke for the first time, “if you’re heading to the village then we could run ahead and tell them of your visit.”

“Oh that’s not necessary,” Gabrielle said, “you know I never have gotten used to all the attention.”

“But the amazons will want to greet you properly,” Flora said. “Please let us go. We can get there in half the time it would take you.”

“That’s true,” Kira added, “We were sent to run to Athens with a message. We’re three of the fastest runners in the nation.”

Gabrielle could see that this was a matter of pride for the three women and she didn’t want to stand in their way. Besides, maybe all the attention would give her a good excuse to wander off by herself. She could say she needed to go on a retreat or something.

“Ok, I guess if you three don’t mind. You know I never pass up the chance of an amazon feast.”

“Wonderful!” Kira said with finality. “We’ll leave as soon as we finish dinner.”

“You don’t have to leave that soon!” Gabrielle exclaimed.

“I think they want to,” Xena said with a knowing grin.

Gabrielle turned to face her soulmate who had stepped through the door and instantly picked out her bard.

“You warriors always stick together,” Gabrielle resigned herself to the women’s decision to leave.

The tavern keeper appeared with Gabrielle’s meal, and, upon seeing Xena, assured her that he would return quickly with food and drink for her. Xena smiled. Sometimes looking tough had definite advantages and swift service was one of them.

Kira, Linea and Flora departed just after Xena’s food arrived. They were still glowing from contact with their queen two candle marks later.

“So did you and Argo have a nice chat?” Gabrielle asked, watching as Xena blushed ever so slightly.

“As a matter of fact we did,” she replied, taking a long drink of port from the mug provided. Actually she had discussed the last few days with the golden colored mare, trying to sort things out in her own mind. Trying to guess what might be going on in Gabrielle’s mind. Usually she would just flat-out ask, but this time… that simply didn’t seem like it would be the right thing to do.

“Hmmm… should I be jealous?” Gabrielle asked, and her stomach clenched knowing that the past couple of days had certainly given Xena ample reason to question and wonder about her.

Xena saw the anxiety in her bard’s eyes and softly laid a hand on one of her smaller ones. “Never.” She wavered for just a moment and then plunged ahead. “I know that something’s up with you, Gabrielle,” she held up a hand when the bard moved to speak. “No. You don’t have to tell me anything. I just want you to know that I’m here. I’ll try to help you anyway I can, but I’m not going to force you. I’ll always be here for you, Gabrielle. No matter what.”

The warrior expected her words to have some effect on the bard, but she wasn’t expecting the young blonde to get up and throw herself into the warrior’s embrace. Nevertheless, Xena wrapped her arms securely around her lover, offering support and comfort.

“Thank you,” Gabrielle whispered. “I’m just sorting some things through in my head. I promise I’ll be back to my old self in a few days. Really.”

She pulled back and gave Xena a somewhat watery smile which caused the tall woman to pull her close and hug her even tighter.

“You take all the time you need.”

Xena was the one to notice that they were being stared at by some of the other patrons. However, one hard look from her and they suddenly found their meals much more interesting. In another minute Gabrielle gave her one last squeeze and then sat down to finish her stew.

They spent the rest of dinner chatting about their upcoming visit to the amazons and the things that Gabrielle wanted to eat and buy there… a favorite topic. Gabrielle’s mood seemed lighter than it had in recent memory and when they went to mount the stairs to their room it was Gabrielle who took the warrior’s hand and led the way.

The room was small, but not too crowded. There was a large oak bed, flanked by small tables which each held a candle. At the foot of the bed a worn looking chest served as both storage and bench. Xena put their saddlebags inside it and sat down to remove her boots. She had only begun to unlace them when Gabrielle sank to her knees on the colorful braided rug and took over the task with loving, experienced fingers. The dark warrior smiled affectionately and leaned back, her hands braced to either side.

Her eyes went first to the window, an old habit to check how difficult it would be to access from the outside. They were on the upper floor, and the window looked out over a small courtyard. No convenient porch roofs or the like were nearby so it would have to be a very determined person who risked the climb up the wall. Moonlight, accompanied by a fitful breeze that taunted the flickering candles, shone through the open window, casting a series of delicate shadows across the bard’s features. Looking down at them, at the woman so intent on her task, Xena couldn’t help herself. She used one hand to lift the bard’s chin as the other snaked through silken hair and lowered her mouth to those sweet, tender lips she so loved to explore.

Gabrielle let loose a long sigh at the contact, her hands momentarily stilled. Then her fingers began to trace patterns on the muscular thighs in front of her as she breathed in the taste, the scent, the life of her partner. For an endless series of moments they remained fixed together in a loving embrace. Then Gabrielle felt Xena smile against her lips and she leaned back to look at her warrior’s face.

“I think maybe I’d better take care of my own boots or neither of us will ever get undressed,” the pure blue eyes seemed to laugh and Gabrielle leaned back on her heels and grinned mischievously.

“I suppose so,” she replied, letting her hands trace up over her own chest to the ties that held her top closed. It was a simple movement, but calculated to capture the warrior’s attention… which it certainly did.

Xena had to blink several times to regain her composure and when she had she gave the bard a modified version of her ‘look’ before turning her attention to her boots. Gabrielle laughed merrily.

“Gotcha!”

Once clothing was finally laid aside the two women climbed into the bed, each blowing out the candle next to them. Even without them the room was bathed in light. The moon had shifted and was clearly visible through the window.

“It looks like it’s smiling,” Gabrielle said.

“What, the rabbit?”

“Huh? What are you talking about?” Gabrielle glanced at her companion as if she had suddenly lost her senses.

“The rabbit in the moon,” Xena said patiently, pointing out the window.

“Xena, there’s no rabbit there. It’s a face. A happy face smiling down on us.”

Xena squinted, trying to make out a face in the moon.

“I dunno, Gabrielle. Looks like a rabbit to me… and maybe a woman dancing with it.”

Gabrielle giggled. “And they say I’m the creative one,” she said as she snuggled close to her love.

The snuggling soon turned into something more as gentle, knowing hands traced over familiar territory. Soon all thoughts of the moon were replaced by thoughts of one another, and the only conversation was a stream of low sighs and moans punctuated with words of love and devotion.

A warm weight pressed against her chest and Gabrielle opened her eyes and saw Xena’s arm draped across her body. A contented smile instantly transformed her features as she moved one of her own hands to caress the soft, tanned skin. Even in sleep Xena’s muscles reacted to her touch, trembling slightly, then relaxing as the feather-light touches continued.

The bard’s eyes slipped closed as she remembered their wonderful night. Xena had been so good to her, so perfect… as it always was between them. How could she survive without the warrior beside her? The simple answer was that she couldn’t. That knowledge, more than any other, brought her current situation into sparkling clarity.

Ever since she had spoken with Ares and agreed on his debt of blood, she had been wavering on the edge… committed to going through with her promise, but hesitating at every opportunity that presented itself. No more. A surge of protectiveness rose within her and her hand tightened on Xena’s arm. This woman was worth protecting, was worth killing for.

Her justifications that she didn’t want to kill in front of Xena were mere excuses. Yes, Xena would be upset, but she would be alive! They would be together and they would stay together. The bard still hoped that they would make it to the amazon village without any more trouble… it would certainly be best if she could honor her promise while still thwarting Ares by not causing Xena any way. However, if they did run into trouble… this time there would be no hesitation.

Xena woke easily, with none of the bleary-eyed reluctance of most people. Her eyes simply opened and she was awake. This time when she turned those startlingly clear eyes toward her partner she was struck by the steely look of resolution etched on the usually soft features. She tightened her hold around the bard’s waist and was unnaturally relieved when Gabrielle rolled over and gazed at her with love in her eyes and a smile on her face.

“Morning, sleepy,” she said. “Not that I mind! In fact I’d be happy if you decided to sleep later than me all the time.”

A chortle, hidden behind a cough, met that suggestion. “I don’t think that’s gonna happen, Gabrielle.”

“Yeah, well I can always hope.”

The day promised to be a good one, a few fluffy clouds overhead and a slight breeze from the south. Gabrielle took a deep breath as she stepped out of the inn. Yes, she was definitely feeling better.

Xena noticed the change in her partner and was more than happy to go along with it although she wondered if it was just the proverbial calm before the storm. She had been eager to be with the bard the night before, needing to feel that closeness, and she certainly didn’t regret a single moment of it. On the other hand, she contemplated the possibility that they were both covering up something that was bound to come up again.

As the day wore on though her niggling worries withered to nothing in the face of the familiar companionship of her bard. Gabrielle was her usual chatty self, telling story after story and finally pestering the warrior into a game of “who am I”.

The road began to widen as the approached the next village. They had intended on spending the night there, but they had made such good time that it was only early afternoon.

“We could cover a lot more ground if we keep on going,” Xena suggested, readying herself for the fight she knew was eminent.

“I thought we agreed that you were going to take care of yourself. That means no sleeping on the cold ground for a little while,” Gabrielle admonished.

“Well you could always keep me from lying on the ground,” Xena said with a leer in Gabrielle’s direction.

“Xena!”

“Hehheh. C’mon, Gabrielle. It’s a beautiful day and I think even these old bones can handle the night outside.”

Gabrielle wrapped a hand around one of Xena’s firm biceps. “I hope my bones are in this good of a shape when they’re old!”

“Then we agree! We can keep going and camp out,” Xena said smugly.

Gabrielle rolled her eyes. “Sheesh! Oh fine. Well, you can probably catch us a better meal than we’d be able to get there anyway,” she said, remembering that the village wasn’t known for it’s food.

The two women passed through the village rather quickly. There wasn’t much of a marketplace to distract Gabrielle and Xena was more distracting with her suggestive promises and reasons to hurry on their way.

They were just on the outskirts when they heard the shouts and Gabrielle spun around to see the man who was throwing curses at the two of them. Mainly they were directed at Xena, but the bard felt her blood boil and with her earlier promise still in the forefront of her mind she reacted. She stalked towards the man, her very posture beckoning him to come to her.

At first Xena was surprised, then amused that Gabrielle felt the need to defend her honor. The man had a short sword but he was obviously not well trained. A small circle of people gathered to watch as Gabrielle easily deflected his clumsy blows. Xena felt a rush of pride at the amazon’s skill, but then it was overshadowed by the realization that Gabrielle was practically leaving herself open, begging him to give her an excuse to hit him. She watched as the woman’s staff began to land harder and harder, finally sweeping the sword from the man’s hand and reversing to smash into the side of his skull.

The blow never landed. Instead Gabrielle felt the shock up her arm of her staff being stopped mid-air. Xena had stepped forward and she glared at the man who was hastily shoving his sword back into its scabbard.

“Get lost,” the dark haired warrior hissed as she released her hold on Gabrielle’s staff. She didn’t even bother to watch him run, she just turned to her companion and indicated the road out of the village.

Gabrielle’s heart was pounding, her breath coming in ragged gasps as she followed Xena and Argo away from the crowd. After a few paces she caught up with them.

“Don’t do that again,” was all that Xena said.

“What do you mean? It’s not like you’ve never picked a fight before.”

Xena’s lips curled in a self-deprecating grin. She knew the bard was right, but somehow this had felt different… much different. “Yeah, you’re right. But I don’t lose control. I can’t afford and neither can you. Someone could get really hurt and it might not have mattered to me back a few years ago, but nowadays I don’t fancy killing people just because they insult me.”

Gabrielle sucked in a breath, Xena’s words stung but they were right. Gods! She had to get a handle on herself! First she couldn’t dream of killing someone, now she was about ready to clobber anyone who looked at her funny.

“You’re right. I’m sorry… I… I don’t know what’s going on with me,” the young woman said in a quiet voice.

Xena looked down, her affection for the woman showing in her eyes. “I know. I think we both need this break!”

That elicited a smile and then she felt a warm hand slide into hers as the two of them ambled down the road.

A few people passed them on the road out of the village but soon they took a smaller, less used path and were completely alone. The trees closed in around them, growing close to the path and arching up to form a roof above their heads. Afternoon sunlight filtered down through the leaves, glinting off Xena’s armor and Gabrielle’s hair and before long both women had to restrain themselves from touching and remind each other that they had passed the village to be able to cover more ground.

That evening every star seemed brighter and closer than it ever had. The fire crackled and spit, sending up a rich, earthy scent along with the smoke. Xena and Gabrielle lay nearby, the bard comfortably nestled into her favorite spot against the warrior’s side, with her head resting on one strong shoulder. Argo was wandering nearby, snuffling through the leaves to find tender shoots and stray patches of clover.

Xena bent her head and placed a soft kiss on Gabrielle’s forehead, then went back to idly stroking her hands through the golden hair.

“What was that for?”

“Oh nothin’. Just getting sentimental in my old age,” she joked.

“Two age jokes in one day… I hope you’re not getting a complex,” Gabrielle said.

“No… I think I’m feeling really secure actually.”

“Well that’s good. And if it matters, I don’t think you’re old. I think you’re the perfect age, and the most wonderful friend and lover I could ask for.”

“Thanks,” she replied, giving Gabrielle a squeeze.

“Goodnight Xena,” the younger woman said, just before she released a huge yawn.

Xena smiled at that. Funny how even yawns could become precious when they came from someone you loved. “Goodnight Gabrielle.”

CHAPTER FOUR

The air was crisp and cool, the nighttime chill still clinging to it persistently. Gabrielle rolled over and pulled the fur blanket tighter around her shoulders. Then she rolled back and cracked one eye open. The fire was burning with a pot of water slowly bubbling over it and Xena was nowhere to be seen. Gabrielle closed her eye, reasoning that Xena must have gone off to get something for breakfast. Lately the bard got worried every time Xena was out of sight, but she knew she was going to have to get over the irrational fear that the warrior was suddenly going to disappear.

“Wakey, wakey, bard!”

The low masculine voice right next to her ear caused Gabrielle’s snap instantly awake and she found herself staring into the dark depths of Ares’ eyes. She sat straight up, pulling the blanket up to her chin and quickly looking around to see if Xena was nearby.

“Don’t worry, Gabby. Xena’s down by the lake.”

“What are you doing here?!”

“Oh come now! Can’t a god just drop by to see how things are going?” he was crouched next to her, sitting back on his heels, and one hand reached out to grasp the edge of the blanket that covered her chest. She snatched it from him and scooted away. “Don’t worry, girl. You don’t have anything I haven’t already seen.”

Gabrielle scowled at him, wishing that he would get to the point and leave.

“I just wanted to remind you that today is day five… half-way to your deadline… haha! ‘Dead’ line, that’s a good one,” a perverse smile and chuckle accompanied his words.

“I know what day it is, Ares,” Gabrielle said, trying to sound bored and annoyed at the same time.

“Well then I guess you know that you shouldn’t be wasting time. You’ve had several good opportunities and you never know when one of them will be your last,” his voice lowered in an obvious threat.

“We have a deal. I won’t go back on it,” Gabrielle insisted, anxious for him to leave.

“That’s good. Very good. After all, Xena’s still weak, and if I was forced to give that sickness back to her I really don’t think she’d pull through this time… do you?”

As always the god of war had to have the last word, leaving the bard to remember his mocking face and final words as he vanished in a burst of light.

For a few moments Gabrielle just sat on the bedroll, staring at where the god had been and trying to quell the sudden sickness that threatened to overwhelm her. She was still sitting there when Xena returned to the campsite, a string of fish in one hand.

The bard turned to face her, an expression of relief and happiness on her face. “Xena, you’re back! I was just going to start looking for you.”

“Well now you can start cooking breakfast instead,” the warrior said with a smile as she laid the fish next to the fire. All the way back from the lake her senses had been screaming at her and now she knew why. She had seen the flash that signaled Ares’ departure and she could feel the remnants of his presence even now.

She wanted to take the bard and shake her, demand to know what was going on, insist on an explanation. But standing there, looking down at the fair head of her bard, feeling the love flow between them… she just couldn’t. She had to let Gabrielle come to her. She had told her that she wouldn’t push and she was going to stick by those words. She just hoped that Gabrielle would realize that telling her would only help… before something happened that couldn’t be erased.

“I’m just gonna fill up the waterskins while you cook,” Xena said as she gathered up the bags. She knew herself, and at that moment she needed to think.

She was out of camp before Gabrielle could reply, and took off at a slow jog towards the lake which was just down the hill in an area that was too open for making camp but close enough to be convenient.

Kneeling down at the lake’s edge she dipped a waterskin under the clear water, waiting for it to fill. Her mind was spinning with the events of the past few days… with the knowledge that somehow Ares was involved in Gabrielle’s changeable moods.

This relationship stuff was a lot more difficult than she remembered. Of course her old relationships had pretty much been limited to power alliances and the occasional roll in the hay. Now she had to redefine everything.

She knew that she loved Gabrielle…it was an undeniable fact. Her thoughts had always been centered entirely on herself, but now they were completely taken over by the young bard. She wanted to keep her safe and happy; she wanted to love her. The actual spoken words were harder for her, and she knew that sometimes Gabrielle doubted the depth of her feelings, but spoken or not her feelings were strong and unchanging.

Now here she was trying to give Gabrielle room, trying not to be overprotective and bossy and everything that the bard hated, but a good portion of her mind was telling her to take control of the situation and handle it the way she had always handled her problems…with force.

Luckily the remaining part of her mind and her entire heart were telling her something quite different. She had never doubted Gabrielle’s love, not since they had first told each other their true feelings. This knowledge assured her that whatever was going on, the bard was doing her best to deal with it in a way that wouldn’t hurt her. What Gabrielle didn’t know was that she needed to be just as careful of herself, because any pain she suffered would be felt just as much by the warrior.

Breakfast was eaten quickly, and then Xena packed up while Gabrielle washed the dishes and stowed them away in one of the outer saddlebags. The path they were traveling on connected back to a main road that would take them right to the amazon territory. Looking at the position of the sun Xena figured that they could make it to the village sometime after dark. She knew that Gabrielle wouldn’t mind a little extra walking if it meant they could reach their destination and a nice soft bed.

She was still smiling at that thought when she swung up on Argo and held a hand down to the bard.

“I think I’m going to walk for a little while,” Gabrielle said, rolling her shoulders. “I need to work some of the kinks out.”

Xena nodded and made no other comment. Gabrielle, meanwhile, was grateful to have gotten off so easily. She simply didn’t think she could stand being so close to the warrior after her conversation with Ares. The whole interaction had made her feel like she needed a bath.

It also made her wonder what in Tartarus she was doing! Here she was, walking beside the woman who had cheated death, helped Hercules, and generally solved every problem she had ever encountered, and she was afraid to tell her what was going on. Maybe Xena could find a way out of this horrible deal. Maybe she could fix everything… like she almost always did. But maybe…maybe she would tell her that there was no way out…that she didn’t want her sacrificing her innocence… that she wanted the her to just let her die. And that was something Gabrielle knew she couldn’t do.

So instead the bard walked beside Argo and Xena, caught up in her thoughts even as she longed to pull the warrior down and hold her tight and make her promise that everything would be alright.

They had been walking for about a candlemark when Xena cocked her head and her face took on that look that said she was hearing something that she didn’t want to hear.

She could hear them, a band of raiders just to the east, attacking something…she guessed it was a small farming community since she didn’t remember any village in that area. This was just exactly what they did not need. Xena was already worried about Gabrielle’s behavior, and after learning that Ares was somehow involved the last thing she wanted to do was bring the bard into a violent situation. She wanted to ignore it, just let the people handle it for themselves. A small puff of air changed her mind. It carried the sharp, acrid smell of smoke and blood. It was something she couldn’t ignore.

Gabrielle had noticed Xena’s expression and wasn’t surprised when the warrior turned to her, fighting mask firmly in place, and held and arm down to help her onto Argo.

“Raiders just on the other side of this hill,” Xena explained as they veered off the path to canter through the forest.

As they got a little closer Gabrielle could hear the shouts and screams and smell the smoke. A little farther and they broke into a clearing that seemed to have exploded into chaos. A raiding party scattered over the area. Some were running from building to building grabbing anything of worth and shoving the occupants into the open area in the middle of the clearing. Another group of men were corralling all the women and children. The farming men were trying to fight, but armed with only farm implements and simple hunting tools they were quickly being overpowered.

Xena quickly reined Argo to a halt and the two women jumped down from the saddle. Gabrielle moved to join in the battle, but was restrained by a strong hand on her shoulder. She turned and looked up into the worried blue eyes of her partner.

“Gabrielle, I know I told you I’d let you work things out for yourself, but I’m worried about the way you’ve been acting lately.”

“Xena…”

“No. Listen to me,” the warrior ordered. “I want you to avoid fighting. Go help put out the fire. Help the women and children. Let me take care of the raiders.” She lovingly traced one finger down the side of the bard’s face. “I don’t want you accidentally doing something you’ll regret.”

Gabrielle lowered her eyes, ashamed that Xena had been so affected by her recent actions even though her main objective had been to avoid hurting the warrior.

“Ok, Xena. You go do your thing.” She gave Xena a little half smile and the tall woman bent and placed a light kiss on her forehead.

“Thanks, Gabrielle.” Her smile was much larger than the bard’s and then she turned and ran out into the middle of the melee.

Gabrielle felt a familiar tingle as Xena gave her battle cry and an answering call went up from the raiders. She chuckled a little… they’d never know what hit 'em.

There were only ten homes gathered together in the area, with a path leading off to what were probably communal fields. Despite the amount of smoke filling the air, only one small outbuilding appeared to be on fire. Gabrielle snuck around the perimeter of the clearing until she was directly behind the barn she had seen the women and children herded into.

There were barrels piled against one wall and the bard nimbly climbed them to peer into a high window. There was a group of about fifteen women and twice as many children huddled in one corner of the barn. There was only one raider in there guarding them and Gabrielle knew that he would hardly be a challenge.

She waited until his back was turned… he heard another of Xena’s cries and wanted to see what was going on. As soon as his attention was away from the group of farmers the amazon bard vaulted in through the window and landed right on top of him. They both tumbled to the ground and Gabrielle was the first to rise.

The women and children had screamed in surprise when they saw the slim woman come through the window and attack their captor. Now they watched in stunned silence as she matched each of his blows with one of her own. For an instant, at the beginning of the fight, Gabrielle considered how easy it would be to snap the man’s neck. The thought was almost as instantly replaced with her promise to Xena. After a short, and to her unremarkable, fight the raider lay senseless upon the straw covered floor.

Looking at the incredulous faces of the women and the wide-eyed stares of the children, Gabrielle was thankful that she had kept her promise.

“He’ll be fine. Get something to tie him up with,” she said and the women began looking for some cord.

The bard walked to the door and cracked it open, noting with relief that there wasn’t anyone standing guard outside. While she listened to the women behind her securing the unconscious raider she allowed herself to watch her lover in action.

Xena was in the center of a group of men who seemed to be attacking in waves. She had that feral grin on her face and the air was punctuated with her gleeful laugh as she unarmed and incapacitated man after man. Gabrielle smiled at the sight, then turned her mind back to the task at hand.

“Ok everyone, we need buckets and water! Come on!” she shouted and then swung to barn door all the way open and ran towards the burning building.

It looked like it was going to be a complete loss, but she wanted to make sure that at least the surrounding structures were safe. Most of the men had left off fighting after seeing that Xena had things well in hand. Now they helped Gabrielle and their wives throw water on the thatch roofs of the houses next to the storeroom to keep any embers from lighting them on fire.

Gabrielle was only mildly distracted by the sudden rush of air as the raiders decided, en masse, that there had to be easier pickings out there somewhere and quickly mounted up and galloped out of town. She was slightly more distracted when she felt strong arms wrap around her waist.

Xena looked down into the soot and dirt coated face of her lover and then wiped a bit of smut off her nose.

“You’ve got a little spot right here,” the warrior said, and Gabrielle laughed.

“I think I’ve got a little more than that!”

The two women were interrupted by one of the farmers who came up and extended his hand to the leather-clad savior.

“We can’t thank you enough,” he said sincerely. “That’s the second time they’ve been by here and we had nothing to give them this time.”

“Well I think they’ll probably think twice before coming back here. I’m glad we could help,” she said, draping one arm across Gabrielle’s shoulders.

“Yes, yes, of course! My wife and children told me how you took out that man in the barn. They were very impressed,” he smiled at the young bard, and Gabrielle nodded.

“Like Xena said, I’m glad we could help.”

“Xena?!” a passing woman heard Gabrielle’s words and stopped in her tracks. “You’re Xena?”

The warrior lowered her gaze slightly, prepared for another in a long series of accusations. She was just glad to feel Gabrielle’s sot hand slip into hers and squeeze reassuringly.

“Yes, I’m Xena.”

“Well I never! I’ve heard all about you from my sister out towards the coast but I never thought I’d meet you! You saved her village from some rotten warlord a while back. Her kids still haven’t quit playing ‘Xena and the bad guys’!” the woman laughed.

Gabrielle’s face broke into a wide grin at the thought of her lover being imitated by a bunch of little kids. Xena couldn’t keep the smile off her face either.

“I’m sure I don’t deserve to be emulated like that, but thank you for telling me.”

The woman patted the man on the back and started on her way again. “You invite them to supper, Jax.”

The man opened his mouth to do just that, but Xena forestalled him.

“We’d love to stay, really, but we��re kind of in a hurry so I think we’ll have to pass.”

Jax nodded in understanding. “Very well, but you just remember us if you need anything. We owe you one.”

“Thank you,” Gabrielle said as Xena whistled for Argo. “We’ll keep that in mind.

Another few heartbeats later both women were seated securely atop the strong war-horse, headed back into the forest.

CHAPTER FIVE

By the time the duo reached their path again the sun had moved past its zenith.

“I guess we won’t be making it to the village tonight,” Gabrielle stated.

“Nope. Doesn’t look like it. Sorry about that Gabrielle.”

“Not your fault. You can’t help it that you’re just a big softie when it comes to people in distress.” She giggled a little and then shifted in the saddle when Xena reached back a hand to tickle her.

While they were riding Gabrielle was thinking about what Xena had told her just before they went to help the farmers. She was thinking about how, despite all her attempts to the contrary, Xena was still being hurt by her actions. A deep ache settled in her chest as she remembered times early in their relationship when Xena had kept things from her.

She remembered how hurt she had felt. She had often felt that the warrior didn’t trust her and didn’t really want her around. She tightened her hold around Xena’s waist, knowing that the warrior probably felt close to the same way right now. She needed to tell her what had happened. When they stopped for the night she would explain everything; her desperation, her fear, the deal she had made, and the way it had made her react to things ever since.

With that decision Gabrielle felt an enormous weight lift from her. It was as though she had been trapped in a pitch dark labyrinth and now she could see a bit of light and smell the clean fresh air. She smiled against Xena’s back and closed her eyes while the warrior placed one hand over both of hers, a silent promise to keep her from falling.

Xena kept Argo moving at a comfortable walk. She didn’t see any reason to rush now that they knew they weren’t going to make it to the village until the next day. Besides, she could feel Gabrielle beginning to doze and the thought of the bard, so trusting and so comfortable against her back made her want to protect and cherish and look after the small woman in every way possible.

Gabrielle didn’t actually sleep, but she did relax and give herself over to the wonderful warmth that being near Xena always gave her. When she finally did feel Argo stop she let out a tiny whimper, not wanting the moment to end. She blinked a few times and released her hold on Xena, then stretched her neck and looked around.

“Does it meet up with your high standards, my bard?” Xena asked with a smile.

“Hmmm… I believe that it will do,” Gabrielle said, then let a small laugh bubble up.

The dark warrior slid out of the saddle and then reached up to help her bard down.

“Why don’t you go find some wood and I’ll unload Argo? Then I’ll go off and see if I can catch us some dinner.”

“Sounds like a plan. If I get back before you I’ll start a fire and get some tea going,” Gabrielle agreed.

“Ah. Tea. That’ll go down just right. I picked a little bit of mint yesterday too. It’s in a little pouch in my healer’s kit. You can pop some of that in with the tea leaves.”

“Oooh yeah. Now you’re talking,” a full smile graced the bard’s face at the thought of her favorite tea flavoring.

She grabbed her staff from its place on Argo’s saddle and then tramped off into the woods humming a little tune the warrior had taught her. Xena smiled indulgently and whispered in Argo’s ear.

“She’s kinda cute, isn’t she?”

Gradually the humming became softer and softer. Xena lifted the heavy saddle off her horse and set it over a fallen tree limb. The bridle followed, and Argo shook her head and immediately brushed her face against Xena’s chest.

“Alright! I get it! You’re a little itchy, eh?” It didn’t take long for her to grab Argo’s brush and give her a good grooming before pouring a small portion of oats into a shallow pan.

“Plenty of grass around here for you, girl. Don’t wanna waste the food when we don’t have to, right?” she said.

Argo snuffled in semi-agreement and Xena rolled her eyes a little and dug an apple out of the saddlebags.

“Just don’t let Gabrielle know. She already thinks I spoil you,” the warrior said, scratching that hard to reach spot behind Argo’s ears.

Gabrielle didn’t know she had wandered so far from camp until she turned around to head back. Despite being in the middle of the woods there weren’t many good branches to be found. Most of those already on the ground were beginning to rot, and she knew that taking a green branch from a living tree wouldn’t be much better. Then a huge dead tree had loomed in the distance and she had insisted that it was going to provide their firewood.

Now, loaded down with branches and her staff she began to make her way back. The sun had just set over the horizon, but slender tendrils of light continued to snake out and illuminate the sky, turning the clouds pink and orange and violet. Gabrielle knew that Xena would worry if she didn’t get back soon, so she picked up the pace while still trying to make as little noise as possible, just like she had been taught.

She first felt that something was wrong when she heard a sharp snap behind her. She turned her head, but there was nothing there. She normally would have assumed it was some little animal, but there was none of the leaf shuffling that always seemed to accompany rabbits and squirrels. The bard resumed her walk, then froze as she heard a voice inside her head.

“This could be your last chance, blondie!” Ares’ voice was distinctive and powerful filling her senses.

Walking slowly forward she listened again and heard another, softer sound, this time closer. Her body told her to wait… wait… sensing the person sneaking up behind her. She knew that it wasn’t Xena, she could always tell when she was near.

Her mind, encouraged by Ares and her own desire to be rid of her gods damned debt worked to explain the situation. Ordinary, normal people didn’t sneak. They called out and announced their presence. No. This person was definitely trying to trap her. This person would kill her if given half a chance. She had to defend herself. There was nothing wrong with that. She could explain to Xena afterwards, but now she had to defend herself.

She could feel the hairs on the back of her neck raise. The person was closer, no longer off to the side but almost directly behind her. Once she passed the next tree he would jump out and attack her. She kept to her slow pace and then, just as she passed the tree, she dropped her load of wood and thrust her staff backwards.

There was a satisfying thud as it hit her tracker’s midsection. Gabrielle yanked it back and spun around, swinging the staff in a vicious arc towards the person’s head.

She didn’t have time to think. Didn’t have time for her mind to register the blonde curls, the startled eyes staring at her. It was as if she was watching herself move in slow motion as her staff connected and the woman she was attacking let out a cry before falling to the forest floor.

Gabrielle’s own eyes widened in shock as she saw what she had done. Her staff slipped from her grasp and she threw herself down beside her friend, the amazon regent, Ephiny.

“Gods, no! NO!! Oh please! Ephiny, wake up! Please. I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was you. Please Ephiny. Please!” Gabrielle begged, pillowing the blonde head in her lap and stroking the pale face.

A slow trickle of blood began to trickle down Ephiny’s face and Gabrielle knew she had to find her partner. She gently laid the amazon’s head back on the ground and took off at a run towards camp.

Gabrielle ran faster than she believed she could, calling out Xena’s name all the while. She was just over half way back to the campsite when she practically barreled into the muscled form of her partner. She felt the strong hands grip her upper arms as blue eyes searched her for injuries.

“Xena! Thank the gods! Come on! Come on!” The agitated bard took Xena’s hand and tugged her back the way she had come.

“Hold on, Gabrielle. What’s wrong?” by the look on her lover’s face she could tell that it was something very bad.

“It’s not me!” Gabrielle cried. “It’s Eph- Ephiny! Xena, I didn’t know - I didn’t mean to -”

“What? What happened?”

“Xena I swear I didn’t know. I didn’t know it was her. I didn’t mean to hurt her!”

Xena didn’t wait for the bard to finish, she started running, following Gabrielle’s easy to read trail.

“Oh gods,” she kept repeating under her breath. She didn’t know what she’d do if Gabrielle had actually killed the regent. She didn’t know what either of them would do.

She spotted Ephiny, sprawled on the ground and approached cautiously. She didn’t want to startle the warrior if she was semi- conscious.

“Ephiny. It’s Xena. I’m gonna fix you up. You just hold on,” she spoke in a low, soothing voice as she knelt down beside the woman and began examining the large bump on the side of her head.

She heard Gabrielle arrive, out of breath and still crying, but didn’t turn around.

“She’ll be alright. You’ll take care of her. Right?” Gabrielle said, oblivious to how similar those words were to the ones she had spoken to Xena’s healer less than a quarter-moon ago.

“It’s a bad hit,” Xena replied. She didn’t want to hurt her sensitive partner, but a wave of anger was rushing just below the surface and she couldn’t keep a tinge of it out of her voice.

“Xena…” Gabrielle’s voice cracked.

“What were you thinking, Gabrielle?” Xena wasn’t shouting but her words rang in the bard’s ears. “Didn’t I just tell you to be careful of what you were doing? I warned you!” Xena’s words were every bit as emotional as Gabrielle’s.

“I know… I just…” Gabrielle faltered, feeling her eyes well up again.

Xena let out a long breath and gathered Ephiny into her arms.

“We’ll have to talk about it later. Right now we need to concentrate on Ephiny.”

Gabrielle nodded and wiped her forearm across her face, brushing tears away as she took a few deep breaths herself.

“I’ll run back and start the fire,” she volunteered and when the warrior made no objection she set off, wondering how she was ever going to explain this to her or to Ephiny.

Xena’s progress was hampered by her delicate burden and when she got back to the camp Gabrielle had a fire going, water boiling, bedrolls laid out, and the healer’s kit opened beside them. The warrior lowered Ephiny to the bedding as though she were a small child, and then poked through her herb pouches until she found the one she wanted.

A few pinches from it joined a small amount of another crushed herb and then she mixed it into a cup of steaming water. Gabrielle sat on the ground nearby, afraid to get too close or to interrupt. The cloudy mixture was obviously bitter, for even in her unconscious state Ephiny scrunched her face into a grimace. Xena was very patient, slowly dribbling the liquid into the regent’s mouth and stroking her throat to encourage her swallowing reflex.

Gabrielle watched the firelight dance off the bodies of her lover and her closest friend. She still couldn’t believe it had come to this. What kind of person was she to let it get this far? She had allowed herself to slip into a state she always warned Xena about. She had lost herself in her quest.

Xena wet several clean rags with the cool water from one of their waterskins and washed out the small flesh wound caused by Gabrielle’s staff. She placed a few more of the cool cloths on the regent’s forehead to try to stop the swelling. Ephiny would have one Tartarus of a headache, but she would live. To Xena, who read injuries as easily as she read a map, it was evident that Gabrielle had pulled her blow at the last second. Xena reflected that even if the bard had struck with full force the placement was such that it wouldn’t have been fatal. The warrior was able to shake her head in wonderment at that… her bard still didn’t have it in her to kill someone, even when that was obviously her goal.

Ephiny seemed to be resting peacefully and Xena decided to allow her to remain that way. She would try to wake her in another candle mark or so if she still hadn’t regained her senses. She tucked a blanket around the strong, slim shoulders and gave her a little pat, then turned to the desolate bard.

Gabrielle’s eyes were shining, but no more tears fell. She was staring at Ephiny as if it was the first time she had ever seen her. When Xena looked at her, she moved her gaze to meet the warrior’s, expression pleading and hopeful.

“She’ll be fine, Gabrielle. Not too comfortable for a little while, but nothing to worry about.” Xena regretted her earlier snappish words. Looking at Gabrielle she knew that this was hurting her more than anyone.

“Nothing to worry about,” a nervous, almost manic laugh followed her words. “Yeah, I almost killed one of my best friends… but no need to worry.”

Gabrielle’s voice had risen and Xena could see the beginnings of hysteria creeping over her. In two short strides she was beside the smaller woman and scooping her into her arms. The instant their skin touched Gabrielle began sobbing, unable to hold anything in. Xena sat down next to the fire, still holding her bard and rocking her gently. They made an odd tableau there, one woman lying senseless, another weeping as if her soul had been shattered, and the third, trying to hold herself together in the face of an emotional confusion she had rarely allowed herself.

Sometime later Gabrielle’s sobs lessened and then stopped completely. Xena kept her arms wrapped around the body of her lover, waiting for whatever Gabrielle would say.

“I’m sorry for the way I talked to you before,” Xena finally said, her words impossibly loud in her ears.

“You were right.”

“No. It was an accident. We both know that and I’m sure Ephiny will agree.”

“Xena, I never wanted anything like this to happen. I thought I could take care of it. I thought I could take care of you.” The bard’s words were slightly muffled and she shifted in the warrior’s embrace until her cheek rested against the other woman’s breast, and her right arm wrapped around her back.

“What do you mean, Gabrielle?” Xena took a deep breath, wondering if she should tell what little she knew. “I know that Ares is involved somehow. I know he was with you this morning.”

Gabrielle’s eyes opened wide and she looked up into Xena’s eyes, shocked that the woman hadn’t said anything earlier. She was instantly ashamed. Xena had been waiting for her to say something. All day long the warrior must have tortured herself with thoughts of what might be going on.

“I… You’re right. He is. I’m so sorry you found out that way. I had decided to tell you tonight… really! I was going to tell you everything.”

Xena stroked her hair soothingly. “Why don’t you tell me now.”

Gabrielle took a deep breath. “It started back when you got sick. Xena… you were dying. The healer said so, and I… I could feel it myself. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t lose you again. It just wasn’t fair! We hadn’t had enough time! I went to Ares’ temple. It was the only thing I could think of to do. He owed you, Xena, and anyway, you know he’s always had a thing for you. I thought he’d be eager to help.”

Xena held tight, but her voice was low and cold. “The last thing I want is his help.”

“I know. I know!” Gabrielle cried.

“Shhh… it’s alright. If it had been you… I probably would have done the same thing. I know I would have.” Xena knew that she would condemn herself to ten lifetimes of torture if it would help her soulmate. How could she deride the fact that her lover felt the same.

“He… he wasn’t as eager as I thought he’d be.”

“He never is,” Xena said with a heavy edge of sarcasm.

“He made me a deal. He would make you well and then I would have ten days to do what he asked,” Gabrielle’s voice trailed off in the last words, and Xena didn’t have to ask what had been asked.

“He wanted you to kill someone.”

Gabrielle nodded. “He said it could be anyone… someone who was attacking us… a bad guy… I thought I could do it. I kept trying to forget about what I was feeling and just do it.”

“Not that easy to do.”

“No,” Gabrielle agreed.

“So what happened this morning?”

“He was just warning me that the time was half-way up. He made it sound like he was sending these people to me to kill and when every time I didn’t I was losing a chance to complete the deal. He said I might not have many chances left.”

“That’s why you attacked Ephiny.”

“Xena, I didn’t know it was her. I swear it! I heard someone behind me and then I heard Ares voice…I thought it might be my last chance. I couldn’t risk it… I couldn’t risk losing you.”

Gabrielle’s eyes had filled with tears and Xena kissed the top of her head.

“That bastard.”

“Thank the gods Ephiny will be alright, but what difference does that make to me? I’ve become what I always said I’d never be. I could have killed… if it hadn’t been Ephiny I probably would have,” the bard’s words were hollow sounding, devoid of the life and feeling that so defined the amazon queen.

“No, Gabrielle. You wouldn’t have,” Xena said, shaking her head and lifting the bard’s chin ‘til they were looking in each other’s eyes. “That blow wouldn’t have killed Ephiny even if you’d put all your power behind it. It was too low. You thought she was someone else…probably a man… a raider. In that case the blow would have landed even lower. You may have convinced your mind to kill, but you couldn’t convince your heart. I don’t think you ever could. Not with premeditation. Not with intent.”

“You really think that’s true, Xena?”

“Do I ever say things I don’t believe?”

Gabrielle shook her head, then relaxed again in her warrior’s embrace. A moment later she tensed, and looked up with terror in her eyes.

“What are we going to do about Ares? He said he’d make you sick again. I know you think you’re recovered, but you’re not. If he gives you that sickness again…you’ll die.”

“Gabrielle, we will think of something. Together. I’m not going to leave you. That’s a promise, and Ares is certainly not going to make me break it.”

CHAPTER SIX

The two women were quiet for a time, alternately watching the fire, Ephiny and each other. The darkness closed in around the campsite and the flickering fire cast eerie shadows in the clearing. Nearby Argo snuffled through the undergrowth, picking out tasty things to eat. She seemed to be the only one unconcerned with the situation.

“What are we going to do?” Gabrielle asked once more, her voice small and plaintive as she stared into the fire.

“Why don’t you let me think about it for a little while? I think you’ve been occupied with nothing else for the past five days.”

The bard nodded, hearing the truth in that statement. Even when she had pushed down those thoughts, even when she had tried to talk and act normally, they had been present, just below the surface.

“I could just keep my end of the bargain. Maybe there’s even someone waiting execution in the amazon village. Or we could go to some really dangerous place.” Gabrielle’s eyebrows scrunched together as she went over the various possibilities.

“Gabrielle, since you became queen, the death penalty has pretty much been eliminated. And we’re not going someplace just to put you in a life or death situation,” Xena said in a straightforward, argument ending tone.

“But…”

“Listen to me, my bard. Ares made that deal because he knew it would hurt both of us… and it would. I don’t know what… I don’t want you buying my life with your innocence. It’s not worth it.”

“To me it is.”

Xena rested her chin atop Gabrielle’s head. “I know it is. And we’ll think of something. I’m not all that anxious to leave you just as things are going well.”

Gabrielle could almost feel the smile that she knew to be flitting across her partner’s face.

A slight rustling and a low groan alerted Xena and Gabrielle to Ephiny’s impending wakefulness. The bard scrambled out of her lover’s embrace and the two of them moved to the regent’s side.

“Ephiny?” Gabrielle whispered, carefully brushing an errant curl off of the pale forehead bathed in a mix of shadows and firelight.

“Give her time Gabrielle,” Xena leaned over to feel the pulse point on Ephiny’s neck and then held one hand against her cheek. She was pleased to find it cool and dry.

“No fever,” Gabrielle announced, judging Xena’s expression.

“Nope. If we get lucky she might even be fit to travel tomorrow afternoon and we’ll be able to get to the village by nighttime.”

Gabrielle continued to run gentle fingers through Ephiny’s disheveled locks. Her gaze was fixed on the dark eyelashes fluttering ever so slightly against high cheekbones. She only half- turned to her partner when she felt a strong hand on her thigh.

“You should try to get some sleep.”

“No,” Gabrielle spoke with finality.

“Gabrielle, I’ll watch her. You can lie right here and use my lap as a pillow. You always say I make a great pillow.” The warrior attempted to entice her lover with a crooked smile and a light wheedling tone.

“I’m not tired,” Gabrielle replied. “You go on and go to sleep yourself. I heard that cough of yours this afternoon.”

Xena’s mouth quirked into an exasperated grin. “Gabrielle, we were in a fight, surrounded by smoke today.”

“Yeah, well I know the difference between a smoke cough and a sick cough. I heard a sick cough.” Green eyes looked to meet blue and dare the warrior to disagree.

Xena let out a defeated sight. If anyone could tell the difference in her coughs it was the stubborn woman kneeling beside her. And although she wasn’t about to admit it, the woman was right. Her throat had been tickling and annoying her all day.

Gabrielle had turned her attention back to Ephiny, but spoke to her lover. “So, you going to sleep or what?”

“Yes mom,” Xena grumbled, unfolding her long frame and moving to the other side of the fire where the bard had spread out her bedroll.

Usually they slept with the two bedrolls pressed close together, or didn’t even bother with a second one. Sleeping so far from her bard, though it was really only a few paces, was going to be a bit disconcerting.

Xena rolled over a few times, trying to get comfortable. She was slightly disgusted with how completely addicted she was to a certain fair haired amazon queen. She smiled though, knowing that she wouldn’t want it any other way.

Gabrielle watched as Xena settled herself down to sleep. One question was answered: apparently the warrior had as much difficulty sleeping apart as she did. A sad smile crossed her face. How in the names of all the gods was she going to fix things?

The night sounds seemed to close in around the bard, making her feel claustrophobic even in the middle of the forest. She tilted her head back and concentrated on the stars and the steady breathing of her soulmate. The combination never failed to calm her.

She kept watch as the moon slowly tracked across the sky. Gradually it sank towards the tree line and when it was just kissing the edge Gabrielle became aware of a slight change in Ephiny’s breathing. She hastened to place her ear against the regent’s chest and was rewarded with a strong heartbeat and steady, regular breathing.

“Ephiny?” she whispered, feeling a jolt of relief pass through her body when she saw the fine facial muscles twitching as the amazon struggled to wake.

Eyes squeezed shut even tighter, and then eased open slowly, their owner trying to piece together her location and companions. “Ga… Gab…”

“I’m here Ephiny,” that woman replied, gently cupping the regent’s face and looking down into her eyes. “You’re going to be fine. Xena took care of you. You’re going to be fine.”

Gabrielle eased the amazon into a slightly upright position, bolstered up by rolled blankets and a saddlebag. Even in her only semi-lucid state Ephiny saw the tears and heard the quivering in her queen’s voice. She feebly reached out one hand to clasp a smaller by strong one in a comforting grip.

“Oh Ephiny!”

“Hey,” she rasped out, “No tears. Ya got me fair and square.”

The unexpected comment caught Gabrielle in mid-sob and she could only release the pent up emotion in one other way… she laughed aloud, and then quickly covered her mouth to keep from waking Xena.

“I’m so sorry, Ephiny. I never meant to hurt you,” the amazon queen said seriously.

“I’m sure you didn’t. It was just a bit of a surprise. Guess you’ve picked up a few things from your friend!”

Gabrielle lifted a waterskin to Ephiny’s lips and helped her drink. The amazon was grateful for the cool liquid flowing down her parched throat.

“Yeah, I guess so,” the bard said in reply to Ephiny’s declaration. “A lot’s been going on.”

The older amazon saw the uncharacteristic worry in her friend’s eyes and the tiny wrinkles that showed she hadn’t been getting much rest. As she let her head fall back onto the blankets she caught the bard’s eye.

“Do you want to tell me about it?” she asked.

Gabrielle shook her head and tucked the covers around the regent’s shoulders. “You’ll be hearing about it I know, but I just don’t think I can talk about it right now.”

Ephiny nodded slightly. She knew that sometimes it was hard to even think about the difficulties in life much less talk about them. After Phantes’ death she herself had avoided even mentioning his name for almost two moons. Finally she had been able to express her thoughts and feelings after she had sorted them out in her own mind.

“You should go back to sleep, Ephiny. There’s still some time before dawn.”

“Only if you lie down too. You know I’m ok now so there’s no reason to stay up watching me sleep.”

“You’re right,” Gabrielle agreed, mainly to placate Ephiny, but also because she so welcomed the idea of curling next to her lover and losing herself there.

“'Course I am. That’s why you leave me in charge.” Ephiny’s eyes had slipped closed, but the corners of her mouth turned up slightly.

Gabrielle watched her for a few moments longer, then laid a light kiss on her cheek and crossed to where Xena lay sleeping. The warrior had automatically left room for her on the bed roll and she quickly nestled down into her favorite spot, her head resting on Xena’s shoulder.

Sleep was slow in coming to her, but it did creep up, stealing away her consciousness if only for a time. She didn’t see the blue eyes open and gaze down at the top of her head. She didn’t feel the barest of kisses which touched her hair. She only snuggled closer when strong arms encompassed her as her partner drifted back to sleep.

Contrary to her usual behavior, Gabrielle woke up before her partner. In fact the sun was only the slightest glimmer of light in the distance when she opened her eyes.

She and Xena had shifted in their sleep and lay spooned together. Xena no longer held her in such a close embrace, but one strong arm was draped over her waist. The bard was surprised that Xena hadn’t woken with her. Usually the slightest change was enough to rouse her. The young amazon was grateful for the switch however. It would make things much easier for her.

With exquisite care and almost painful slowness the amazon queen eased her way out from under Xena’s arm. Once free of her lover she stood and surveyed the campsite. The final embers of the fire glowed dimly in the pre-dawn light. Ephiny appeared to be sleeping peacefully and even Argo was drowsing beneath the sheltering branches of a large tree.

Her bag was on the ground beside Argo’s saddle and she picked it up as she looked once more at the sleeping warrior princess. A heartbeat later and she had moved silently into the forest.

It didn’t take Gabrielle long to reach her destination. The spot in the woods where she had struck Ephiny was marked by trampled vegetation and the small dark spot on the earth that was the regent’s blood. The air was cold, and wind tangled through her hair. She rubbed her hands together to warm them up. She had forgotten how cold nights could get. She was used to spending them snuggled next to a certain tall, dark, warrior.

Kneeling down on the ground she shrugged the bag off her shoulder and put it down in front of herself. She couldn’t see very well in the grey light offered up by the sinking moon and the not yet risen sun, but she was able to feel around in the soft leather pouch and find the item she was looking for. She pulled it out of the bag and held it for a moment without doing anything else. She felt the weight in her hand and watched as what little light there was glinted off the sharp blade. She was almost tempted to laugh at the thought that she kept her cooking knives almost as sharp as Xena kept her sword.

She hated the idea that Xena was sure to be the one to find her. That was the main drawback to her plan. Well, that and the fact that she knew even Elysium would be a torment for her until her warrior joined her there. At the same time she fervently hoped that Xena would keep her promise and that she would live a long life doing good for the people who were beginning to revere rather than fear her. Xena’s life had such meaning, such purpose. She couldn’t let it end.

Slowly the bard turned the knife in her hand and pressed the tip under the thin material of her top. She had it positioned just below her left breast, angled up to slide between her ribs and into her heart. She pressed just a little harder and couldn’t suppress a wince as the knife bit into her skin, drawing blood. Her hands tensed around the handle as she prepared to plunge the knife all the way into her chest.

“Uh, uh, uh-h,” the sound of Ares’ voice startled Gabrielle so much that the knife slipped, slicing a small gash as it went. “This isn’t part of the deal, blondie.”

Gabrielle’s head snapped up, her eyes filled with both anger and tears.

"You said a life! You said it didn’t matter who!’

“Yeah, well then call me picky, I didn’t think you’d chose yourself. Oh no. If Xena’s gonna live than you’re gonna live too. I’m dying to see how the two of you will work your way through this one.”

“Damn you Ares!” Gabrielle spat, her boldness in the face of the God of War seemed to surprise even him.

“Heh. You are the little wild cat, aren’t you? Maybe I should have chosen you as my champion to begin with.”

“Trust me, you wouldn’t have had any more luck with me than you had with her,” Gabrielle sneered.

“Maybe… maybe not. Oh, and just to remind you… you’ve got four days left.”

The bard was about to throw another verbal barb his way but settled for stomping her foot as he disappeared in that annoying way of his.

Xena was drifting slowly towards wakefulness, senses gradually reaching out and connecting with the world once again. Then, in the span of one breath, the warrior was sitting upright, eyes scanning the campsite. Gabrielle was gone. The sudden pounding in her heart, along with her first, second and third instincts, urged her to dash into the forest, searching for her bard. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and squelched those innate impulses. Running after Gabrielle wouldn’t accomplish anything. There was no way to know how long the young woman had been gone, and there was Ephiny to consider as well. Xena simply had to trust that her love would return.

“Xena?” a mere whisper from the regent’s lips brought the warrior to her side.

“Hey, Ephiny,” she said. “Good to see you awake. How are you feeling?”

Xena moved cool fingers over Ephiny’s forehead and then around to the bump near her left temple.

“Bit of a headache,” Ephiny replied with a wry grin.

“Mmm. I guessed as much. I’ll fix you something for that. Doesn’t taste great, but it should do the job,” Xena said as she pulled her medicine pouch onto her lap. “Gabrielle’s very sorry for what happened,” she continued softly.

“I know. She apologized last night.”

“She did?”

“Yeah. I told her it wasn’t her fault. Really, it wasn’t. I shouldn’t have been sneaking up on her. The amazons you met up with gave us your message and I figured I’d meet you out here. When I saw Gabrielle with her arms full of firewood I just couldn’t resist. Never expected her to react so fast!” A self-deprecating smile crossed the regent’s features. “Guess I should have realized she learned from the best.”

Xena tilted her head slightly in acknowledgment, then gave a low, bitter sounding chuckle. “It’s not just that, Eph. Gabrielle’s been under a lot of stress lately… it’s made her a bit attack-happy.”

“I heard that she wasn’t quite herself. What’s happened?” She looked around the campsite. “And where is she now?”

Xena let her gaze follow Ephiny’s. “She was gone when I woke up.” Her voice was distant and small.

Ephiny looked up into Xena’s eyes. “Xena, what is going on here?”

A rustling of leaves diverted both warriors’ attention and they let out a collective sigh of relief when Gabrielle appeared through the trees. Xena sprang up from her position beside the regent and moved quickly to her lover’s side.

“Where have you been?” she said lowly, trying to rein in her spinning emotions.

“I… I just went for a walk. Needed to clear my head,” Gabrielle replied, not meeting Xena’s gaze.

The tall warrior placed her hands on Gabrielle’s shoulders and then bent to look her in the eye. “Doesn’t look like that happened on any walk,” she said, her eyes moving pointedly to the dark stain on the bard’s top.

It took every shred of control not to rip off that material and examine the damage that had obviously been done. She fought to keep herself from sweeping the bard into her arms and never letting her out of her sight again.

Gabrielle knew what Xena was referring to. She had hoped that the warrior who never missed anything would somehow miss that, but it had been a futile hope, and now, confronted with what she had almost done, she felt herself crumbling.

“He… he wouldn’t take me!” she cried, and fell into her lover’s arms, trusting them to catch her.

Reflexively Xena tightened her grip around the smaller woman and held her close. The cold truth of what she had nearly lost hit her as a physical blow.

“Oh, gods! Gabrielle, you didn’t… how could you? I don’t want that. I would never want that,” she murmured brokenly into Gabrielle’s soft, golden hair.

“I had to. I couldn’t lose you. I couldn’t.”

Xena pulled back to arm’s length and stared at her lover.

“And you think I could? Hear me, and don’t ever forget: if you leave this world for the next, I will only be a heartbeat behind you. Do you understand? I would rather spend eternity watching you from across the flames of Tartarus than spend one day here without you.” Xena was almost shaking, her voice trembling as she spoke.

Gabrielle, staring into those pure blue eyes, read truth there, and so much more.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, and found herself again held in a tight hug.

After a short time, they both managed to reconstruct some semblance of control and moved, arm in arm, back to the fire. Ephiny was staring at both of them in shock, not understanding the meaning behind any of what she had just seen.

“Sorry Eph,” Gabrielle said, laughing weakly, “guess you’re a little out of the loop.”

“You could say that,” Ephiny said with a touch of sarcasm.

“Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll understand more than you want to before this is all over,” Xena said as she set a pot of water on the fire and reached once more for her medical supplies.

“No doubt,” Ephiny replied, eyes widening as she noticed the blood on Gabrielle’s clothes.

“I’m afraid your tea will have to wait for a bit, Eph,” Xena said as she untied Gabrielle’s top. “I have a bit of bard to stitch up.”

Xena was attempting to keep her tone light, but her heart was in her throat as she parted the thin material and saw the cut, still oozing blood, beneath Gabrielle’s breast. Ephiny and Gabrielle both chose that moment to look away, Ephiny out of respect for Gabrielle’s modesty, and Gabrielle out of dislike of the sight of her own blood.

It was a clean cut and not as large as it first appeared. Before long Xena had placed two stitches to close it and cleaned it with some of the strong alcohol she carried for that purpose. Gabrielle changed into a pale blue cropped shirt that she rarely wore and buried the stained green one at the bottom of her bag.

“Now, Ephiny, I think I promised you something for your head.”

Ephiny, though not particularly patient by nature, knew well enough to hold her tongue despite her extreme desire to throttle both warrior and bard until they confessed what was going on. Instead, with her head feeling somewhat like an overfilled waterskin, she took the offered medicine, leaned back against her make-shift pillows and drifted back to sleep.

When she woke a short time later she was feeling much more herself. The headache had subsided to a dull throbbing pain and she was able to concentrate on something else, specifically her companions.

“Alright, does someone want to tell me what in Tartarus is going on?” she exclaimed, startling Xena and Gabrielle who were beside Argo, talking quietly.

Xena was the first to speak, placing a soothing hand on Gabrielle’s shoulder as she did so. “Long story short, I was sick, Gabrielle made a deal with a god in order to heal me, and now she’s supposed to kill someone or I’ll get sick again.”

Ephiny rolled her eyes at Xena’s blunt explanation. “Oh, is that all,” she said sarcastically.

Gabrielle stepped around the fire and knelt down beside the regent. “That’s kinda why I hit you. I thought you were a bad guy, and my last chance to fulfill the bargain. I’m really sorry, Ephiny.”

Ephiny’s deep brown eyes softened as she looked at the apologetic bard. “It’s ok, Gabrielle. I already told you that.” She turned slightly and included Xena in her next question. “So what’s the plan now? And just which god are we talking about?”

“Ares,” Xena replied, noting the way Ephiny’s eyes widened, “and the plan is that you and Gabrielle head towards the village while I go check on something.”

Gabrielle was instantly on her feet and striding towards her partner.

“That is NOT the plan, Xena. You are not going off on your own and that’s final!”

Obviously the two of them had already discussed this course of action.

“Gabrielle,” Xena’s voice held a note of warning.

“Don’t try pulling that with me! I know you. You’ll go off and confront Ares yourself, try to beat him or trick him or something. Well I won’t let you. I won’t let you put yourself in danger. Not this time.”

Ephiny allowed a slight grin to crease the corners of her mouth. It was always interesting to see the young queen in action.

“Gabrielle, you have my word that I will not confront Ares. I just happen to know someone nearby who might be able to help us. That’s all. I’ll talk to her and then I’ll catch up with you and Ephiny.”

“Is that a promise?” Gabrielle asked, head cocked, eyes narrowed and ready for a challenge.

“It’s a promise.”

Gabrielle let out her breath in a huff and then turned back to Ephiny.

“Well I guess that’s the plan,” she said with finality.

Xena stepped up behind her and kissed her on the top of the head. “Thanks Gabrielle. I’ll get going right now and if you and Ephiny set off before midday I should be able to catch up by nightfall.”

Gabrielle nodded and squeezed the hand that had snaked around her waist. She didn’t dare turn around for fear that she’d never let the warrior out of her embrace. Xena seemed to understand. She placed another kiss on her head and then moved to Argo who was already saddled and ready to go.

“I’ll see you both tonight.”

Xena swung up into the saddle and in a rustling of leaves and grass she was gone.

CHAPTER SEVEN

After Xena left Gabrielle and Ephiny, the regent used most of her not inconsiderable “people skills” to keep the young queen from brooding. She was also, through much wheedling, able to convince Gabrielle to tell her the long version of what was going on.

“Y’know, Gabrielle,” she commented, “generally life and death matters regarding the queen of the Amazons are matters that I should be made aware of.” Her words were serious but she spoke with a tone of playful nagging to take some of the sting out.

“I know. I know. I should have sent word or something. I just didn’t know what to do. All I could think of was saving Xena, and then all I could think of was protecting her from what I had to do.”

Ephiny paused in her walking and turned to look at the bard. “Do you really think you’ll be able to do it? Take a life?” Her voice held sympathy and a greater knowledge of what such an act would entail.

“I… I’ll have to… if it comes to that. Xena told me not to think about it right now. You know her; she’s always got some idea floating around in that head of hers.”

“Well she’s certainly helped me enough to know better than to count her out. Where do you think she really went?”

“I’m not sure. I just hope she keeps her word and comes back to me in one piece.”

“Gabrielle, I’d think you’d know by now that keeping her promises to you, making you safe and happy, are the most important things in Xena’s life. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a warrior love so much and be so willing to show that love.”

Gabrielle colored slightly and glanced off down the road. “I know,” she said with a smile. “Why d’you think I made the deal with Ares in the first place?”

Xena pressed Argo into a gallop as soon as they cleared the forest and broke into a wide meadow. The clean spring air rushed past, tangling her long hair and filling her lungs. If the mission hadn’t been so serious she would have been thoroughly enjoying herself.

In her mind’s eye she could still see Gabrielle with the tears in her eyes, despairing because Ares would not accept her life as payment of her debt. That moment, seeing the blood on Gabrielle’s top, and seeing that look in her eyes, had been one of the most terrifying of her life. The thought that she had come so close to losing her love…it pushed her heart into a double beat and forced the air from her chest.

That the bard was so determined to save her only fueled her own desire to protect the young woman. She had always known that the love between them was something rare and special, but to have the proof of that so clearly laid out for her was almost a shock. Of course she knew that she would easily give her life for Gabrielle, but it was something altogether different to see the same determination in those pale green eyes she loved. Well she knew one thing for certain: she was not going to let this situation tear them apart.

The clearing slanted uphill and once she and Argo crested the top Xena got her bearings and they headed down at a slower more deliberate pace. The trees had grown up some, but other than that not much had changed. Horse and warrior headed toward a small copse at the bottom of the hill. The handful of evergreens looked slightly out of place in the middle of the grassy expanse which surrounded them.

Xena looked to see if anyone else was around. The tall grass swayed gently in the light breeze and the warrior couldn’t see any tracks except her own, a silvery trail where the grass had been bent down. She dismounted and removed Argo’s bridle, giving her faithful companion permission to graze at will. Then she moved into the group of trees.

From within it was apparent that the trees were set in a rough circle. At the center of the circle was a small stone slab. Xena’s lips curled into a grin. She had to admit that this was the least ostentatious temple she had ever visited. One of the members of her old army, a former amazon, had dedicated the “temple” and invited her commander to join her there. As far as Xena knew they were the only ones who knew of its existence.

Breathing in the rich scent of the pines and listening to the birds that flitted back and forth overhead, Xena was filled with a feeling of comfort and peace. She carefully unwrapped the rabbit she had brought with her and laid it upon the flat stone. Beyond that obvious step she was slightly unlearned in the worship of this god.

Worshipping any god had never really been her style, and after Ares’ numerous attempts to meddle in her life she wanted nothing to do with them. She was suddenly struck by the fact that the last time she had asked anything of them it had also been for Gabrielle. She had prayed to keep the bard from giving in to vengeance and killing Callisto. Some things never changed. For Gabrielle the warrior would do anything.

She bowed her head, speaking her prayer softly but reverently. When she had finished she looked up, not sure what to expect. The rabbit remained on the stone alter and there was not flash of light or puff of smoke to indicate a godly entrance. Then again, Xena knew that not all gods were so pretentious. She slowly got to her feet and made her way out of the sheltering embrace of the trees and into the sunny field.

“C’mon Argo. We’ve got a date to keep tonight,” she said, trying to keep a cheerful tone in her voice while hoping that her plea had been heard, and behind her, out of view, the rabbit began to glow and then shimmered out of existence.

The sun had moved relentlessly through the sky, and now, with at least a candlemark’s distance left to the amazon village, it was painting the sky with the last of its brilliant light. Ephiny chewed on the inside of her cheek to keep from telling Gabrielle that if they had moved faster they could have been at the village in time for dinner. She knew that Gabrielle would consider the day a complete success. Throughout the day Gabrielle had been hard at work thinking of reasons to slow down or stop altogether and Ephiny was smart enough to realize why.

“Well we’ll be in the village tomorrow morning for sure,” Gabrielle commented as she started gathering wood for a fire. Even though her plan had worked she didn’t feel particularly good about it. Xena was still out there somewhere and she wouldn’t feel good until the warrior was once more by her side.

“Gabrielle,’ Ephiny said gently, “I’m sure that Xena will catch up to us before you even finish cooking dinner.”

The bard-turned-queen looked up and let a little smile cross her lips. “I’m pretty transparent, huh?”

“Yeah. I guess I should have mentioned it earlier… could have kept you from insisting I needed all those cups of herbal poison you gave me.” She made a face to indicate her distaste.

“Now Ephiny! You don’t have a headache any more, do ya?”

Ephiny only rolled her eyes and turned to walk away. “I’ll go see if I can catch some game,” she said over her shoulder.

The amazon warrior moved quietly among the trees and was soon out of sight.

Gabrielle settled their belongings, taking out the pans she would need for making dinner. She really didn’t feel like eating, but she knew that Ephiny would harass her unless she did. Ephiny took her responsibility for the queen very seriously. Gabrielle smiled, knowing that it was more friendship than fealty that made her regent so loyal and protective.

She had just taken out her scrollcase and quill when a very familiar sound reached her ears. It was Argo’s low, rumbly nicker. The bard was on her feet in an instant, scanning the treeline for a glimpse of horse and warrior. It didn’t take long for her to pick out the flash of dark leather and bronze and she ran towards her lover.

“Xena!” she wrapped her arms around the warrior and held on tight.

“Shouldn’t you be in the amazon village by now?” Xena replied with a lifted eyebrow.

Then Gabrielle looked up, their eyes met, and no other words needed to be exchanged. Xena draped a loving arm around her partner’s shoulders and they walked back to the little camp.

“Ephiny off hunting?”

“Yep.” Gabrielle knew that Xena was just trying to torture her by not telling her what had happened. Well, she wasn’t going to give the warrior the satisfaction of knowing what a torture it was.

Xena watched as her bard sat down beside a large boulder and picked up her quill. She narrowed her eyes. Wasn’t the bard going to ask her any questions? She knew the suspense had to be killing her. After several minutes of silence, the warrior finally did the unthinkable… she gave in.

“Aren’t you going to ask where I went?”

Gabrielle didn’t look up, though she was dying to, “Oh, you’ll tell me if it’s anything I need to know.”

Xena opened her mouth, then closed it again. Gabrielle was right.

“I’d tell you, Gabrielle, but I don’t know if it did any good. Let’s just wait and find out, ok?”

Gabrielle smiled and looked over to the warrior. She had suspected as much. She wasn’t thrilled about being kept in the dark, but her proximity to Xena was enough to jolly her out of it for the time being. She let out a contented smile as Xena sidled over to her and took out her sword and sharpening stone. There was a definite feeling of peace in the air, and Gabrielle was determined to enjoy it while she could.

Within half a candlemark Ephiny returned carrying the skinned carcass of a rabbit. She knew that her queen preferred not to have to look at her dinner when it was still in its fur.

“Ha! Told you, Gabrielle!” she said triumphantly as she looked pointedly at the warrior princess. “Of course if I’d known for sure I’d have brought back more than one rabbit.”

Gabrielle smiled indulgently, willing to admit that Ephiny HAD been right about Xena arriving. “That’s alright, Eph. I’ve got some vegetables and we’ll have a nice stew.”

Ephiny handed her the meat and then subtly tugged at Xena’s skirt, urging her to follow.

“So,” she said when they were beside Argo, supposedly searching to saddlebags for something important, “how’d it go?”

“How’d what go?” Xena replied innocently.

“Don’t give me that, innocent look. You went off to fix things and I wanna know if they’re fixed. Gabrielle certainly seems more cheerful.”

“Look, Ephiny, I’m really not sure if things are “fixed” or not. Gabrielle’s just glad I didn’t get myself killed or something. Hopefully by the time we reach the village we’ll know for sure if Gabrielle’s off the hook.”

Ephiny squinted at the warrior, trying to determine if there was anything else she should know. Xena’s face was open and honest so she gave a little grin and poked her in the shoulder.

“Well, anyway, I’m glad you’re back. Gabrielle was just about driving me crazy with her obvious attempts to slow us down so you could catch up.”

Xena laughed. “She can be pretty creative though, wouldn’t you agree?”

Dinner was finished and Ephiny had volunteered to do the dishes, leaving Xena and Gabrielle alone for a time.

“Tomorrow we’ll be in the village,” Gabrielle stated.

“Yes. And if I get sick again the healers there will have all the supplies to treat me.”

Gabrielle looked up, clearly shocked. “What are you talking about? That is NOT going to happen!”

“Shh…” Xena wrapped one arm around the bard’s waist. “I know you don’t want to think about it, but if worst comes to worst, at least we’ll be among people who can help.”

“Xena, if worst comes to worst, I will kill whoever I need to in order to keep you alive!”

“Gabrielle…” Xena paused, unsure of how to continue. “What you’re willing to do… you can’t know how much it means to me… but I can’t let you kill for me. Please don’t make me have to guard you.”

“Don’t, please Xena…”

The rest of Gabrielle’s sentence was swallowed by the sudden thundering crash which sounded all around them. A flash of pure white light startled the bard, but Xena hardly twitched. She had been hoping for it. She did, however, move to stand protectively in front of Gabrielle as the smoke cleared and Ares appeared.

“You little bitch!” he roared, glaring at Gabrielle. “Thought you could welch on our deal?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she replied, confused and scared by the god’s out of control manner.

“News travels fast, eh Ares?” Xena interjected.

Gabrielle swung her head around to stare at her partner.

“Gabrielle had nothing to do with it. I’m the one who made the petition.”

“Xena, what’s going on?” Gabrielle hissed, as if Ares couldn’t hear even her softest whisper.

Ephiny chose that moment to reappear and looked at the leather-clad man speculatively.

“Who’s he?”

“Ares,” Xena and Gabrielle said in unison without even glancing at the amazon.

Ephiny’s eyes opened wider, then narrowed as she gazed at the god with disdain. She knew enough of his history with Xena to feel nothing but disgust for him. Quickly she positioned herself in front of her queen so that Gabrielle was flanked by two highly armed warriors.

“Your move, Ares,” Xena taunted.

“Well it’s pretty simple, Xena. If she can’t carry out her part of the deal then I guess you’re going to be feeling a bit under the weather,” he replied snidely as he raised one muscled arm to point in her direction.

“No! Ares, I still have a few days left! What’s going on? Please! You have to give me more time.”

Gabrielle had tried to run to the god, but Xena held her firmly in place.

A bare instant later the air filled with a feeling of electricity and then, without light, smoke, or thunder, a lithe, beautiful woman, dressed in leather and carrying a bow and quiver, stood next to Ares. Her hair was brown and had a light curl though it fell only to her jaw. Large brown eyes looked warmly upon the three women and then turned to face the god.

“Here to stick your nose in again, Artemis? I wouldn’t if I were you. You know the rules about interfering with other gods,” Ares addressed the goddess.

“It’s not interfering, Ares. My spell may prevent Gabrielle from killing, but remember, it doesn’t directly counteract anything you have done.”

“That’s very true. With Gabrielle unable to kill, I guess I’ll just have to give Xena back that illness she was suffering from when last I saw her. She still doesn’t look to good, does she, Art? Kind of a shame…I doubt she’ll be able to survive it.”

The two gods spoke almost as though the mortals were unable to hear them, but that was quite untrue. Gabrielle heard every word and this time Xena couldn’t prevent her from dashing to Artemis’ side.

“Oh, Artemis, how could you do this? It was my decision to make! You can’t let him do this!”

The soft spoken goddess laid her hand on Gabrielle’s shoulder, instantly silencing her.

“My dearest child, I could not let you kill at the bidding of another. If at some future time you are forced to take a life, it must be entirely your doing. You may think that this was your decision, but it was not. You would have been killing in the name of Ares.”

Artemis’ words made sense, but they did not quell the fear that twisted in the bard’s stomach. She turned to Ares.

“Please, Ares, I know you don’t really want to kill Xena.”

“Maybe not, but unlike some, I always keep my word.”

“Then let’s change the rules. Put Xena’s sickness in me instead.”

“Gabrielle!” Xena shouted out the name, trying to keep the bard from continuing.

“You said it yourself, Ares. She won’t survive, but I might have half a chance. If you give it to me and I die, you’ll have the best of both worlds… and if I live… well it will be more honorable than striking down someone who’s already weak.”

Ares stared at the green eyes of the bard, considering her words. Both Xena and Ephiny seemed frozen in place, too shocked by this turn of events to even speak.

Finally Artemis broke the silence, “Ares, she speaks the truth. Killing Xena now would hold no honor.”

“Fine! I’ll let the brat have her way… but without any more help from you,” he sneered.

“Agreed.”

“Didja hear, blondie? I’m going to let you take your lover’s place.”

Gabrielle nodded her head mutely, then whispered, “Thank you.”

“We’ll see how much you’re thanking me in a couple of days,” he said as he waved his hand in the air and then disappeared.

Just as he left, Gabrielle lurched forward, and only Xena’s quick reflexes kept her from hitting the ground.

“Gabrielle!”

“It’s ok, Xena. I just got dizzy for a moment. I’m fine.”

Ephiny ran to their side and Xena glared up at Artemis.

“This is your idea of help?”

“Careful, warrior. You and I have no quarrel. Don’t start one now.”

“But how could you let her…”

“Because she was right. You would die. She may yet live.”

“Well she’d better, because if she doesn’t, all of Olympus won’t be big enough for Ares to hide from me.”

Xena looked back down at Gabrielle, and when she raised her eyes again, Artemis was gone.

“She’s not much for fancy exits, is she?” Ephiny commented.

A candlemark later, after Xena had forced Gabrielle to drink a foul tasting remedy, the trio laid down to sleep.

“Really, Xena. I feel fine,” Gabrielle said as the warrior piled another blanket on top of their bedroll.

“So did I until I was too weak and sick to move. At least we’re forewarned, and we are going to beat this thing.”

“You were right about one thing, Xena,” Ephiny commented, “the healers in the village will have everything we need to take care of Gabrielle.”

Suddenly Gabrielle sat up, disturbing all the blankets the warrior had so carefully placed.

“We can’t go to the village,” she announced.

“What are you talking about? We can and we will,” Xena said.

“No. The healer who took care of you said that this illness wiped out a whole village. I’m not going to bring that kind of plague to the amazons. I won’t!”

Gabrielle was using her most stubborn queen voice, and Xena and Ephiny shared nervous glances.

“Gabrielle,” Ephiny started calmly.

“Don’t bother, Eph,” the bard cut her off before she could even state her case. “I am the queen of the amazons and I’m not going to place them in danger.”

Xena let out a frustrated sigh. This day was not going at all like she had planned.

“There’s a series of caves not far from here, about half-way to the village. We’ll go there,” Xena said. “Ephiny, you can continue on to the village and bring back any supplies we might need.”

“If the queen insists.”

“I do,” Gabrielle said firmly.

Ephiny nodded reluctantly and then lay down to sleep. A short distance away Xena tugged Gabrielle into a prone position and then wrapped her arms around her.

“Sleep well, my love. We will get though this,” she murmured.

CHAPTER EIGHT

With hardly a word spoken between them, the three women packed up their belongings and headed towards the caves Xena had indicated. The reached them by midmorning and then, still in silence, set up camp.

Finally Gabrielle broke the eerie calm.

“So are you both never speaking to me again or something?” she asked in a sarcastic tone which didn’t quite mask the hurt beneath it.

Ephiny looked up at Xena and then spoke hastily. “I’ve just had a lot on my mind and I’m sure Xena’d say the same… right?”

“Right,” Xena replied tonelessly as she lifted Argo’s saddle down from the horse’s strong back.

Gabrielle turned away and decided not to ask any more questions. Her head was beginning to ache and all she really wanted was a nap.

“Well,” Ephiny said awkwardly, “I guess I’ll start heading back to the village. Hopefully I’ll make it back her by morning.”

Xena had given the blonde woman a list of things to bring back. The regent wanted to get them as quickly as possible, unsure exactly how sick her queen would become.

Gabrielle gave her a hug and Xena nodded at her, then resumed her hunt for firewood. The blonde Amazon gave a final salute and then set off at a steady jog.

Left alone with her lover, Gabrielle was at a loss as to what to do or say. It was pretty obvious that the warrior was not in the friendliest of moods.

“Umm… you want me to do that?” she asked hesitantly.

“No.”

“I… I guess I’ll look for some food then.”

“No,” Xena turned to face her. “Go sit down and save your strength. I’ll take care of everything.”

Dejected, the bard sat down on their bedroll next to one cave wall, eyes watching as Xena moved in and out of the cave with armloads of wood. She could understand that Xena was upset, but her attitude towards her was definitely not helping anything.

Outside, Xena leaned heavily against a large tree. She knew Gabrielle was hurt. She knew her silence was only making a bad situation worse. Yet she couldn’t seem to help herself. She felt so helpless. So useless. Her lover was ready to risk her life for her and there was nothing she could do about it. This enemy was not one she could fight with conventional weapons.

She had already gathered enough wood to last for a week and she knew she was going to have to approach Gabrielle eventually. With her typical warrior mentality she decided that she might as well get it over with.

The interior of the cave was a bit cooler than the outside, but not uncomfortable. It was perfectly dry, with a soft sand floor and a slight draft from within which would blow any smoke out the wide entrance.

Gabrielle was still sitting against one wall atop their bedroll. She had started a small fire and it hissed and crackled pleasantly, tossing shadows onto the cave walls. The bard had her knees drawn up to her chest and her arms tightly wrapped around them. The didn’t look up when Xena entered, and the forlorn look on her face sent pangs of guilt through the warrior.

Xena pulled a pouch of dried fruit from their packs and sidled over to where Gabrielle was seated.

“Hungry?” she asked, holding out the fruit.

Gabrielle shook her head and stared into the fire.

“You should keep your strength up,” Xena reminded.

To Gabrielle the statement sounded like a rebuke and she reached out to take the pouch.

When the bard remained silent even after taking the food, Xena decided that more drastic peace-making measures were required.

“I don’t think I got a chance to thank you,” she said softly.

“What?” Gabrielle turned her head sharply to stare at her lover.

“I said that I don’t think I ever thanked you for saving my life, Gabrielle. What you did for me…once again you saved me. I guess I should stop being so surprised when you do that, huh?”

“I didn’t think you were too happy with the way things worked out,” Gabrielle said.

Xena took hold of her hands and looked into her eyes. “Gabrielle, of course I’m not happy. The idea of you getting sick while I sit here helpless to do anything about it… well it doesn’t exactly fill me with joy. And the thought that you could die? It scares me to death, love. You are everything to me. I can’t imagine going on without you,” she smiled crookedly. “I think I mentioned that to you not long ago.”

“So now you know why I did what I did.”

Xena thought for a moment. “I guess I do.”

“Xena, I’m scared. I don’t want to leave you.”

Tears spilled from pale green eyes and Xena rushed to envelope her in a strong hug.

“Don’t be afraid, Gabrielle. I’m going to take care of you. I’m going to make sure you’re fine… and you know I can be almost as stubborn as you.”

Gabrielle laughed through her tears at that remark and held onto Xena with all the strength she had. After a short while Xena relinquished her hold on the bard and sat back on her heels.

“now if this is really the same illness I had, you must have one Tartarus of a headache right now.”

Gabrielle nodded and brushed away the last remnants of her tears.

In less than a quarter candlemark Xena had built up the fire, made the tea, and was waiting for Gabrielle to take her first taste. The bard was understandably reluctant because she had been given such medicinal mixtures before. Finally she sipped the tiniest amount into her mouth and then took a real swallow.

“Hey! This stuff tastes great!”

“Lots of mint and honey. Thought I’d dull the real taste. You like it?”

“Mmm-hmmm. I’d drink it even if I wasn’t sick,” Gabrielle replied, taking another drink.

The look on Gabrielle’s face was one of such enjoyment that Xena averted her gaze.

Why hadn’t she made tea like this for Gabrielle earlier? Why had she been depriving them both of these simple pleasures? A soft hand on her shoulder pulled her back into reality.

“Whatcha thinking?” Gabrielle asked upon seeing the look on her partner’s face.

“Just wish I’d made that tea for you earlier.”

Gabrielle knew her partner well enough to know the sentiment hiding behind those words. She leaned forward and kissed Xena gently on the lips.

“I’m sure you’ll have plenty more opportunities,” she said as they parted.

Xena could feel her lips still tingling, and looking at Gabrielle she saw the stark desire in her eyes.

“My head is feeling much better,” the bard said huskily.

“The warrior closed her eyes briefly and took a sharp breath through her nose. When she opened her eyes Gabrielle was still staring at her.

“I don’t want to wear you out,” Xena said.

“Loving you could only make me feel better,” Gabrielle replied, and she felt Xena’s strong hands stroke up her arms, thumbs reaching to stroke the sides of her breasts.

Years of training meant that Ephiny was able to push herself more than most people, but by the time she reached the Amazon village even she was winded and sore. She shoved all of her physical discomfort aside though, knowing that she still had an important task to complete.

Scouts had met her at the forest outposts and she had sent one of them back to make sure that the healer was there to meet her. Korin thought it strange since Ephiny seemed to be perfectly healthy, but she wasn’t about to question the regent.

Solari on the other hand wasn’t afraid to ask.

“What’s going on, Eph? I thought Gabrielle and Xena would be with you. We expected you all last night. Eponin’s about ready to send out a search party,” the normally reticent Solari finally took a breath and allowed Ephiny to respond.

“It’s a very long story Solari, but the short version is that Gabrielle is sick. She and Xena are in the caves to the west. I need to get some supplies from Saras and then I’m heading back myself.

“But why didn’t you bring the queen back here?” Solari asked, astounded that Ephiny would leave Gabrielle out in the forest even if Xena was looking out for her.

“The queen insisted. Her illness is very serious and very contagious. She doesn’t want to put the village at risk.”

Solari’s eyes widened but she really had no response. Once again her queen had raised a notch in her eyes.

The two women went straight to Saras’ hut where a group of Amazons had assembled, all wondering where their queen was. Ephiny rolled her eyes. No way was she going to be able to leave without telling everyone and abridged version of the past week.

She gave Xena’s list to Saras and then turned to address her fellow Amazons. She knew she couldn’t to the story justice, but she did manage to hit the high points. When she was finished a murmur went through the small crowd. Most seemed to be commenting on the devotion between their queen and Xena. Such courage and devotion were always respected. A small group, however, didn’t seem to be as enthralled by Ephiny’s words.

“Are you saying that you left the queen out there when she has what could be a life threatening illness?” a voice piped up. It was Mara, a young Amazon who had only recently completed her training.

“Mara,” Ephiny pronounced patiently, “it wasn’t my decision.”

“Oh come now! The queen could have been delusional. She was certainly not in any frame of mind to be making that kind of decision.”

Ephiny pressed her lips together and counted to ten before speaking.

“Queen Gabrielle was quite capable of making her own decisions when I left her.”

“Well that’s your story anyway,” Mara said sarcastically, and a hushed gasp went through the crowd. “You ARE the one who would get the mask of queen if anything happened to Gabrielle. I think that a group of us should go up to the caves and bring back Queen Gabrielle!”

“No!” Ephiny proclaimed. “We will abide by the queen’s wishes and that’s final.”

“Not quite, Ephiny,” Mara said snidely. “I challenge you for the title of regent. If I win then we go to the queen!”

Ephiny and most of the others were shocked into silence. Then anger rolled through the regent and her eyes flashed in the sunlight. No way was this young Amazon going to get away with this kind of insubordination. If she wanted a challenge; she’d get it.

“Chobos, practice field, now!” she shouted and stalked towards the field, followed by a crowing crowd.

Even if some of the women had agreed with Mara about bringing Gabrielle to the village, none of them agreed with this almost unheard of challenge. Challenges were issued over major differences and politics, not by untried warriors out for personal ego boosts.

“Ephiny,” Solari whispered as the regent prepared herself, “you aren’t gonna kill this kid, are you?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Ephiny retorted, “but I am going to teach her a little lesson in respect.”

Ephiny twirled her carved black chobos expertly and then glared across at Mara who was looking slightly less cocky.

The crowd of women formed a circle around the two combatants and watched as they approached each other. Ephiny held her weapons in an almost relaxed grip, waiting for Mara to make the first move. The younger Amazon was unnerved by her opponent’s casual air but she tried to cover by plastering an unconvincing scowl across her features. When she did make the first move, aiming for Ephiny’s right hip and left shoulder, the regent easily deflected the blows and in a flurry of motion the battle was on.

Mara found herself having to back up to avoid Ephiny’s skilled attack. The sound of wood striking wood echoed in the air, joined by the enthusiastic shouts of the watching Amazons. A lucky shot by Mara glanced off Ephiny’s right cheek, but she didn’t let it slow her down. Instead she allowed the blow to spin her around and then ducked low, taking Mara’s legs out from under her. The young woman struggled to her feet and attempted to land a blow to Ephiny’s unprotected midsection. It was a move the regent had counted on. She stepped back a pace, throwing Mara off balance and then struck her on the back , sending her tumbling to the ground at her feet. Mara rolled, in preparation for bolting to her feet, but Ephiny was too fast, quickly straddling the woman and holding one chobo poised at her vulnerable neck.

“Yield!” Ephiny shouted, loud enough for all to hear.

Mara saw the raw power and strength of purpose in Ephiny’s eyes and submissively lowered her own. “I yield,” she said in a slightly softer voice.

Ephiny jumped to her feet, bolstered by the cheers of her sisters. She turned to Mara and offered her a hand up.

“I know you were only thinking of the queen’s well being,” she said sternly, “but in the future you’d better be careful who you challenge. No one cares more for Queen Gabrielle than I do.”

Ephiny’s eyes seemed to bore right into Mara’s soul, and she nodded meekly.

“I apologize.”

Ephiny gave her a brusque nod of acceptance and then turned to Solari. “Let’s get back to Saras’ hut. I want to get going as soon as possible.”

CHAPTER NINE

Following their tender love-making, Gabrielle had fallen into a deep sleep with Xena’s arms wrapped around her body. Now, hours later, she remained nestled in the warrior’s embrace though Xena was certainly not sleeping. Instead she passed the time by monitoring Gabrielle’s breathing rate, testing her temperature with a light brush of lips over skin, and stroking her back to keep her sleeping peacefully. She gazed at her lover, eyes soft and gentle. She was so grateful that she had been able to bring Gabrielle pleasure, she only hoped that it wasn’t for the last time. Watching the bard sleep brought out a part of herself that was often hidden; a sensitive and vulnerable part that shut her eyes against the possibility of losing her soulmate.

The sound of a horse let Xena know that Ephiny was near. She looked down at Gabrielle and herself. They were both naked. Xena kissed the top of Gabrielle’s head and then moved to sneak out from under her.

“Wait, Xena.” The warrior was surprised to look up and see that Ephiny was already there, standing just inside the mouth of the cave. “I’ll go get some water and… stuff,” the regent continued. “You stay with Gabrielle.”

Xena smiled her thanks and settled down again, the pale-haired bard resting comfortably against her breast. Ephiny turned and left the cave, a sad smile on her lips. Gods, she hoped that everything worked out. She knew that Xena would be destroyed if Gabrielle didn’t make it, and she herself was scared at the prospect of losing her close friend and queen.

Inside the cave Xena enjoyed the closeness between herself and Gabrielle for a while longer before finally extricating herself. If circumstances had been different she would have liked to remain cuddled together indefinitely, but she wanted to talk to Ephiny and she could tell that Gabrielle’s fever was beginning to rise.

She tucked the blanket back around Gabrielle’s shoulders and then stretched to get the kinks out of her back as she walked to the cave entrance. She spotted Ephiny almost immediately. The regent was seated under a nearby tree patiently sharpening her sword.

“How is she?” Ephiny asked as Xena approached.

“Sleeping. She has a low fever but it’s beginning to rise. We should get some of these herbs into her,” Xena said, indicating the small sack Ephiny had returned with.

Ephiny sheathed her sword and looked expectantly at Xena, ready to do whatever was asked in order to aid Gabrielle. Xena only stared and cocked one eyebrow at the regent.

“You run into trouble on the way?” she asked.

Ephiny’s face flashed confusion and then she reached up one hand to touch the darkening bruise on her cheek.

“Oh. That. One of the Amazons thought Gabrielle belonged in the village. No big deal.”

Xena looked at her hard, obviously believing that it was a big deal. For Ephiny to fight her sister Amazon in order to respect Gabrielle’s wishes meant a great deal to her.

“Thanks, Eph,” she said finally. “I know Gabrielle would appreciate it too.”

“Yeah,” Ephiny said with a little smile, “but let’s not bother her majesty with the trivial squabbles of the populace.”

Xena grinned and the two warriors headed back to the cave.

Clouds were gathering on the horizon and Xena eyed them warily. The last thing they needed was bad weather along with everything else. A gentle whinny distracted her from her negative thoughts. The horse Ephiny had ridden from the Amazon village was grazing peacefully near Argo. She smiled, knowing that Gabrielle would surely coo over the two horses nuzzling each other. The things Xena rarely spared a glance for were often the things that the bard thought were the most precious. Well, she would have to tell her bard that she was beginning to pick up an appreciation for them as well.

The light outside was waning and in the cave most of the illumination was provided by the fire in the center of the area. Xena went straight to Gabrielle’s side while Ephiny crossed to the fire and began building it up.

With gentle and well practiced hands the tall warrior felt for signs of fever and grimaced at the heat she found. Slipping her arms under the bard she easily lifted her up and then transported her closer to the fire. Gabrielle let out a little moan at the movement, but didn’t open her eyes.

“She’s burning up. Get some cold cloths on her while I prepare these herbs,” Xena said tonelessly.

Ephiny was slightly startled by Xena’s emotionless words, but then she looked into her eyes. The pale blue orbs held fear and pain and all the other feelings that would only be counterproductive if released. Ephiny laid a strong hand on Xena’s shoulder and gave it a little squeeze, then went to tend her queen.

“Xena… Xe… Xena,” Gabrielle’s voice, however soft, instantly reached the warrior’s ears as she stood in the mouth of the cave, staring out into the moonless night.

Before Ephiny could call to her Xena had moved to Gabrielle’s side and was softly stroking her pale hair.

“I’m right here, Gabrielle.”

The bard’s eyes wavered, then focused on the dear face before her and she smiled weakly.

“I knew you wouldn’t be far away,” Gabrielle said.

“Of course not, love. I’m right where I belong.”

Ephiny reached over and passed a cup of the herbal medication into Xena’s hand.

“Hi, Eph. Sorry I’m keeping you from the village.”

“You’re not keeping me from anything. I’m here to serve you, as my queen and my friend.” The regent placed a soft kiss on Gabrielle’s hand, and then moved to the other side of the fire, giving the two lover’s a bit of privacy.

“You look nervous, Xena,” Gabrielle said with a hint of humor.

“Who, me? I never get nervous,” Xena replied in her best warrior-voice, then whispered, “except when it comes to you, my bard. Here, drink this down. It will help with the fever and the headache.”

She lifted the cup to pale, dry lips and held it there until Gabrielle had finished it all.

“Not bad,” Gabrielle commented. “A little more honey couldn’t hurt though.”

That won a smile from her lover and the bard smiled in response. The pleasant moment was only broken by a hacking cough that suddenly rumbled through Gabrielle’s chest, stealing her breath. Xena supported her with an arm behind her back and then offered her a sip of water when the spell had passed.

“Are you alright?” she asked, concerned by this new symptom.

“Oh yeah. No problem,” Gabrielle replied glibly, then raised her eyes to meet those of her other half. “D’you think you could lie here with me for a little while? Just until I fall asleep?”

The tone of Gabrielle’s voice tore at the warrior and she swallowed against the emotions that suddenly made her throat constrict. She didn’t respond, but removed her boots and then slipped under the blankets and pulled Gabrielle close to her.

“Thank you,” the bard whispered.

“You never need to thank me for this, Gabrielle,” Xena said, breathing in the essence of her lover and listening to the steady heartbeat next to her own.

It didn’t take long for Gabrielle to fall back to sleep and when she did Xena carefully moved away from her and crossed the cave to speak to Ephiny.

“That coughing didn’t sound good,” Ephiny said gravely as Xena stood next to her, looking through the fire at the woman who lay on the other side of it.

“No it didn’t. Her lungs are clear though. She said it was just a tickle in her throat.”

“That’s some tickle.”

“Her fever’s still too high. If it doesn’t break soon we’ll have to take her to the river and hope the mountain run-off can cool her down.”

Ephiny laid one hand on Xena’s broad shoulder. “Maybe you should get some sleep.”

“No,” the warrior replied stiffly.

“Ok,” Ephiny backed down, “but at least sit down and try to relax.”

Xena looked down at the regent and saw understanding in her eyes. At their basest level both of them were warriors, struggling to hold themselves together for the sake of the very special woman who held a place in both their hearts.

“She’s strong, Xena. She’ll beat this.”

Xena only nodded, wanting to believe her friend’s words.

Ephiny allowed herself to doze, knowing that Xena would be keeping watch through the night. She had brought a bedroll for herself from the village, and she was curled up on top of it, face towards her weakened queen.

Xena, meanwhile, had moved back to Gabrielle’s side and resumed tending to her. She repeatedly placed cool cloths on her

face and the back of her neck. Then, when the sweats and chills set in she dried the bard’s flushed face and tucked the blankets around her shoulders. Gabrielle’s breathing had begun to sound labored and Xena listened carefully to her lungs for signs of congestion. There were none, and the warrior-healer’s brow creased in confusion until she felt the sides of the bard’s neck.

The glands were horribly swollen and seemed to be interfering with Gabrielle’s breathing. Xena quickly grabbed her herbs and searched around for the combination that would hopefully reduce the inflammation.

She was just getting ready to rouse Gabrielle so that she could give her the medicine when a brutal coughing spell did the job for her.

“Easy, easy, Gabrielle,” Xena soothed as she lifted the woman into a more upright position so that she could catch her breath.

“I’m - I’m ok,” Gabrielle eventually said in a whisper, her voice raspy and painful sounding. She shook her head as if trying to clear her throat. “My throat just hurts. It feels strange.” The younger woman looked to Xena for an explanation and reassurance.

“Not surprising considering how swollen it is,” the warrior explained. “Here, I’ve made you something that’ll help.”

“Thanks,” Gabrielle replied. She reached to take the cup of steaming liquid, but Xena motioned for her to be still and held the cup before her lips, tilting it slowly until the bard had swallowed it all.

Once finished, Gabrielle leaned against Xena, trusting in her warrior’s strength to hold her up. Xena closed her eyes and swallowed, her heart pounding at this evidence of Gabrielle’s weakness.

“Xena?” the bard whispered the name as a prayer.

“I’m here, Gabrielle.”

“I love you.”

Xena took in a sharp breath as the cave swam before her eyes and her throat constricted. “I love you too, Gabrielle, but you need to rest.”

“No. I need to talk to you.” The bard’s eyes closed slowly, then opened to look upon the woman who held her.

“Gabrielle, I don’t… you’re going to be fine. You don’t need to tell me anything.” Xena’s face was a mask of desperation. She didn’t want to listen. She didn’t want to hear her lover giving a deathbed speech.

“I know I’m gonna be fine, but humor me. I’m sick,” Gabrielle quipped, giving a little grin.

“Alright love,” Xena said, trying to keep her breathing even, “I’m listening.” She pulled Gabrielle closer and rested her cheek against the small woman’s temple.

“We said some things the other day… about each other dying.”

“I remember,” Xena said softly, already disheartened by the course of the conversation.

“You said you’d follow me,” Gabrielle said, the awe evident in her voice.

“Yeah. So you’d better not be planning on going anywhere,” Xena said, blinking hard against the tears that threatened.

“Xena,” Gabrielle took a breath, “I need to ask you something hard. I need to ask you not to do that.”

“Gabrielle --”

“I know you think you can’t go on, but that’s not true.”

“Please…” Xena’s voice cracked, “don’t ask this of me. You can’t, Gabrielle. I need you. There’s nothing for me here without you.” Xena’s arms tightened convulsively around the bard and the tears she had tried to contain spilled onto red-gold hair.

“Shh…” Gabrielle instantly became the comforter.

“You’re wrong, Xena. Sure I’ve helped lead you to where you are, but you’re the one who really did it. You have so much left to accomplish.”

Xena shook her head violently. “Not without you! I need you. I love you.”

“I love you more than I could possibly say, Xena. That’s why I want you to finish living your life the way you deserve to. I’ll wait for you Xena. When you’re old and grey I’ll be there to take your hand and lead you into the Fields.”

“Gabrielle, don’t talk like that! You’re going to live to be old and grey too! You hear me?” Xena’s stubborn streak was making a valiant appearance.

“I know,” Gabrielle said softly. “I’m just saying this in case. You know… as a back-up plan,” the sick woman managed to give a little laugh.

Xena smiled sadly and kissed Gabrielle’s flushed cheek. “Oh, Gabrielle,” her words were a benediction brushed across the soft skin.

“Please? Will you at least try?”

Xena closed her eyes, feeling Gabrielle’s warmth, her breathing, her heartbeat, everything that made up the woman she loved.

“I will try, Gabrielle. I will.”

“Thank you, Xena,” Gabrielle responded, a relaxed smile spreading across her face.

“But you have to try too, Gabrielle. You have to try to beat this, ‘cause I know you can. You’re strong. You can fight it. You can!”

“I know. I am trying… it’s just that I’m so tired.”

“I know, love. Just relax and let your body do its job. I’ll be here… always.”

Gabrielle wrapped one of her hands around one of

Xena’s, pressing both to her chest. “I know you will.”

Morning finally arrived, pale tendrils of light spreading slowly across the cave floor as the sun rose. Xena was still awake, cradling Gabrielle and singing softly. Ephiny later decided that it was the singing that woke her, so beautiful as it eased the passage from dreams to wakefulness. She ran her fingers through her tangle of blonde curls and then rose from her place by the fire and stretched out her back.

“How is she? Any better?” Ephiny felt she had become a bad Greek chorus with her repetitive refrain.

“No better. The fever broke, but her throat is swollen. She’s been having trouble breathing.”

Ephiny could see that in the way the small amazon’s chest heaved with every breath. “Have you…”

I gave her something during the night. It takes a little while to work.”

Ephiny nodded, then turned her attention to the fire. She poured water for tea and then went to the river to refill the waterskins. By the time she returned the water was boiling and she poured it into two cups already prepared with tealeaves and honey. The regent carried both cups over to Xena and Gabrielle, then sat down before handing one to Xena.

“Hope it’s not too sweet,” Ephiny commented.

Xena gave a wry smile. “Better not let Gabrielle hear you say that… no such thing as too sweet.”

Ephiny returned the warrior’s smile with one of her own, then let her eyes drift over the form of her queen. The two warriors were quiet as they drank the soothingly hot liquid. They were both too full of thoughts to actually speak them, but there, in the silence, there passed a respectful communion between them.

Ephiny saw how Xena kept one hand stroking Gabrielle’s hair. The bard was propped up against the warrior’s chest to make breathing easier and every so often the tall woman would bow her head and whisper something into a delicate ear.

The rest of the day passed without Gabrielle waking. Ephiny managed to convince Xena to get out and stretch her legs, but within a candlemark the stoic warrior returned to her self- appointed post.

Between the two of them they were able to get some more medicine into Gabrielle throughout the day. However, Ephiny was discouraged by her friend’s lack of response. Xena, however, refused to even contemplate the idea that her lover might not recover.

Xena actually allowed herself to fall asleep that night, but she was woken by the horrible sounds of her partner struggling to breathe. Ephiny was trying to hold her in an upright position to ease her breathing, but it obviously wasn’t working. Xena moved to their side before Ephiny even knew she was awake.

“She can’t breathe, Xena,” Ephiny said desperately. “What can we do for her?”

Gabrielle’s eyes were wide open and a flash of relief shone in them when she saw her lover kneel beside her. The lack of oxygen was making it difficult to focus and she could feel her eyelids closing despite her wish to keep them open. Xena’s strong hands were suddenly cradling her face and she made the extra effort to gaze into the ice blue eyes boring into her.

“Gabrielle,” the warrior said calmly, “I want you to try to relax. Don’t fight yourself. Just breathe shallow.”

The bard obeyed and stopped some of her frantic struggling even as consciousness threatened to leave her.

“I’m going to pinch a nerve to make you sleep, love. When you wake up you’ll be able to breathe. Understand?”

Gabrielle nodded. Her throat was too swollen to allow real speech, but she managed to whisper, “I trust you, Xena.”

At those words the warrior took a deep breath and pressed two points on the side of Gabrielle’s neck, just below her jaw, and watched as her lover’s eyes slid closed and her body relaxed into Ephiny’s arms.

“What are you going to do?” Ephiny asked, wide-eyed.

“I’m going to help her breathe. Like I did for the soldier at the Thesalian healing temple. Remember?”

“I remember,” the regent replied. She hadn’t actually seen the operation, but she had seen the results. The man had lived. “You stay with her and I’ll go get what you need. I saw some reeds down by the river when I was getting water.”

Xena nodded and took over Ephiny’s place behind Gabrielle. She gently lowered the woman to the soft furs that made up her bed and traced the delicate lines of the bard’s face with her strong hands. “You’ll be just fine, Gabrielle,” she whispered.

Ephiny returned quickly with a short length of reed, a wineskin and clean bandages. Xena cut the reed even shorter so that it was only the length of her thumb, then placed her knife in the fire as she swabbed Gabrielle’s throat with the strong wine. She allowed the knife to cool for just a short time, and then held it poised over her lover’s throat.

Ephiny was in awe at the dark warrior’s calm concentration and so she was slightly taken aback when Xena paused and whispered a short prayer to Artemis before cutting the small incision into the base of Gabrielle’s neck. The cut was short, but went straight down into the bard’s windpipe and Xena lost no time in positioning the reed. Almost instantly Gabrielle’s breathing improved as the tube by-passed the swollen area of her throat. Ephiny gave an audible sigh of relief, then handed the bandages to Xena. The wound was such that it formed a seal around the reed, but Xena wrapped the bandages around Gabrielle’s neck anyway, wanting to ensure that the reed stayed in place.

She then turned to the waterskins and poured one out over her hands and the knife which were touched with blood. The always stoic warrior was close to falling apart inside, and she had to struggle to keep her hands from shaking. In fact, she was actually startled when she felt Ephiny place a hand on her shoulder.

“You did a wonderful job, Xena. You saved her life. You know that, right?” Ephiny said encouragingly.

“I hope so, Eph. At least now she’s got a fighting chance. And you know Gabrielle… she’s not the type to give up. She wouldn’t still be with me if she was,” Xena answered and she was even able to smile a little at the thought of her stubborn bard.

CHAPTER TEN

It had been full dark when Xena performed the operation on Gabrielle, and the warrior was still sitting beside her, holding her hand, when the sun appeared, bringing with it a new day. Ephiny had fallen asleep sitting up and she jerked awake as a playful breeze blew a large leaf into her face. There was a short flurry of motion as the regent assured herself that it was indeed only a leaf and not the giant spider she had imagined. Xena bit back a teasing comment and looked at her partner. No doubt Gabrielle would have been unable to keep from laughing.

Ephiny settled herself, then rested slitted eyes on Xena. “Something you wanted to say?” she asked sarcastically. She wished that the silent warrior would say something… anything would be preferable to the suffocating silence.

But Xena had turned all her attention back to the frail woman beside her, and she wasn’t in the mood to joke around.

“Her fever’s back and she still hasn’t woken up,” she said somberly.

“It’s only been a few hours, Xena. Give her a little time,” Ephiny instinctively recognized a change in Xena’s attitude. The warrior was losing hope, and there was no way Ephiny was going to allow that to happen.

Xena looked at her, eyes watery, face flushed with the strain of holding herself together and Ephiny didn’t think she’d ever seen someone in such pain. She had never imagined that the famed warrior princess could look so helpless and forlorn.

“What if she never wakes up?” Xena’s voice cracked and Ephiny sat down beside her and wrapped her arms around the taller woman’s broad shoulders. “I have a lot I need to tell her, Eph. I can’t lose her like this.”

“You aren’t going to lose her, Xena.”

“How could she do this? How could she risk her life like this? It’s not fair… it should have been me.”

“Stop it,” Ephiny said sharply. “Don’t blame Gabrielle, and don’t blame yourself! She did what she felt she had to do…”

“I can’t stand seeing her like this. I can’t stand not being able to help her.”

“You are helping her, Xena. You know that. She would have died last night if you hadn’t been here to help her. Please… just the other day you wouldn’t even think about Gabrielle not pulling through this. You need to get that stubbornness back. She knows you’re here. She’ll come back to you. I don’t think she’d dare do anything else!”

Xena remained quite for a short time, then straightened up and brushed a hand across her eyes.

“I’m going to go freshen up. Wouldn’t want Gabrielle to think I’m not taking care of myself,” she said with a trace of her normal strength.

She left without saying another word, and Ephiny spared a glance for her queen. “You’d better prove me right, Gabrielle.”

While Xena was down at the stream, Ephiny built up the fire and threw a few vegetables into a pot of water to make soup. The bones from the previous night’s rabbit went into the pot as well, and soon there was a pleasing and comforting smell emanating from the cave.

Ephiny remained beside the fire, thinking and watching the flames flicker and jump towards the ceiling. She couldn’t quite sort out all of what she was feeling. There were the obvious physical feelings: exhaustion, various aches from her run to and from the village, a slight headache caused, no doubt, by stress. The less definable thoughts were what puzzled her.

She was relieved that Gabrielle was still alive, and thankful that Xena was able to perform her usual magic. In another part of her mind, though, she felt the prickling stabs of jealousy. It was a vague, undirected jealousy, but she knew where it had its source.

She wished that she had been the one to save the queen. That she was the one Gabrielle cast that worshipful gaze upon. It wasn’t that she was in love with the bard, certainly not the way Xena was, but there was an allure to their connection that was hard to avoid. No matter how close she was to the two of them, she remained outside their private circle of two.

She gave a little sigh. Stupid thoughts. She had an entire village of Amazons looking to her for leadership in Gabrielle’s absence, an entire village of friends and family. Still, what Xena and Gabrielle shared was hard not to envy.

Out of the corner of her eye the regent thought that she saw Gabrielle move and she hastened to her side. She was just about to call for Xena when that woman appeared in the mouth of the cave, a dripping, naked form outlined and shimmering in the sunlight.

“Xena! You just about scared my leathers off!” Ephiny scolded. “I think she’s starting to come around.”

Xena threw her own leathers onto her bedroll and slipped on a loose fitting shift then pulled her damp hair back and secured it with a leather thong.

“Thanks for watching her,” she said with a little smile.

“Oh, like I’d just run off on the queen and risk getting tried for treason or something,” Ephiny teased.

Xena settled herself next to Gabrielle and took up the smaller woman’s hand, stroking the palm with the callused pad of her thumb.

“C’mon, Gabrielle… you’re public is waiting here,” she called gently in a sing-song voice.

Xena felt the small hand within hers instinctively tighten as its owner struggled towards consciousness. She tightened her own grip as her heart pounded painfully in her chest. Staring down into the pale face of her lover she watched as delicate eyelids quivered and then she was gazing down into pale green eyes.

The first thing Gabrielle noticed when she woke was that she could breathe without the terrible effort it had taken before. The second thing she noticed was the tight feeling around her throat.

Xena saw the pale green eyes flicker open and smiled down into them, watching as the bard blinked a few times to clear her bleary vision. Gabrielle opened her mouth to say that she was feeling better, but the only thing that came out was a low whistling sound. Before the terror could fully register Xena was holding her shoulders and staring into her eyes.

“It’s alright, Gabrielle. You just can’t talk right now.”

Gabrielle knew that she had been close to losing her voice, but this felt different, strange.

‘I had to insert a tube into your neck. Your throat was so swollen you couldn’t breathe,” Xena explained.

Gabrielle’s hands moved to her neck but Xena grabbed hold of them.

“Easy there. You don’t want to jostle it.”

“My voice?” Gabrielle mouthed the words.

“It will come back. Don’t worry, love. You’ll be as good as new.” Xena tried to be comforting, knowing that losing her voice was a shock to the bard.

“How are you feeling otherwise? I know you can’t swallow much, but I have some herbs I was going to put in some soup for you.”

Gabrielle nodded her head and patted her stomach, then scrunched up her face at the pain swallowing caused her.

Xena looked at her sympathetically. “I know it hurts a lot. The soup will help, I promise.”

Gabrielle smiled weakly in agreement, then turned to face Ephiny. With her hands and facial expression she managed to ask how the regent was feeling.

“I’m fine, Gabrielle. Stop worrying about me!” Ephiny protested as she carefully brushed the younger woman’s bangs out of her eyes. “You look much better yourself,” she commented.

“Thanks,” the bard’s fine lips formed the silent word.

Sometime later, Gabrielle lay dozing while Xena and Ephiny kept watch over her. She had managed to keep down a cup of rich broth along with tiny, soft pieces of meat and vegetables carefully chosen by Xena.

She had also insisted that Ephiny tell her all the village news, leading Xena to comment that for a bunch of fierce warriors, the Amazons certainly loved to gossip. A sharp look from regent and queen caused the corners of her mouth to quirk upwards, but she managed to contain her low chuckle.

Now, with Xena sharpening her sword, as usual, and Ephiny staring into the fire, a certain peaceful calm settled over the trio.

“She’ll be alright now,” Ephiny’s statement held a hint of questioning in it.

Xena laid down her sword and sharpening stone and glanced at her lover before looking up at the regent. “She’ll be alright,” she confirmed. “But I want to get her back to the village before I remove that reed.”

Ephiny eyed the tall warrior, noticing a tightening around the blue eyes. “You’re worried about something.”

Xena pinned her with a look, then relented and gave a little sigh. “Yeah. I’m worried.”

“About Gabrielle’s voice?”

“There’s always the chance that I hit something I shouldn’t have. I mean I’m not a real healer, and no one knows exactly where the power of speech comes from.”

“Xena, you saved her life. That’s got to mean something.”

“It does. It means everything to me. As long as she’s alive and with me I feel like anything is possible. I’m just afraid she won’t want to be with me if…”

This time it was Ephiny’s turn to skewer Xena with a steely glare. “Xena, you know damn well that Gabrielle is not going to leave you.”

Xena lowered her eyes and shrugged. “If you say so.”

It was when she lowered her eyes to her partner that she noticed bright green eyes looking up at her, a pained yet loving expression filling them.

“Gabrielle!” Xena was surprised to see her awake. “Is something wrong? Something hurting?”

Gabrielle shook her head and motioned for Ephiny to give her something to write with. Xena had a feeling that the bard had a few things to convey about the conversation she’d just overheard. Ephiny handed over a blank scroll and a quill dipped in ink. As soon as she had the objects in her hands, Gabrielle began scribbling. Moments later she was handing the scroll to the warrior.

It read:

I can’t believe you would think I could possibly leave you, even if I never speak again. I was willing to kill for you… to die for you… if I all that happens is that lose my voice, I’ll consider it a bargain. You still think that everything bad that happens to me is your fault, and that everything good that happens to you is because of me. That’s not true. I make my own choices… my own sacrifices. And as for good things, they don’t happen because of me, they happen because of us… because we’re together.

After reading the short note, Xena rerolled the scroll and set it aside before looking at Gabrielle. There were tears in her eyes to match the ones in the bard’s.

“I’m sorry, Gabrielle. You’re right,” she gave a little half grin. “You usually are when it comes to sensitive chats.”

Gabrielle smiled and held out her hands. The warrior edged closer and took both hands in her own, squeezing them gently.

“Well I’m glad we’ve got that straightened out!” Ephiny proclaimed. “Now I think we’d all better get some sleep if we want to get the queen here back to her people.”

Gabrielle smiled and nodded in agreement, then pulled Xena closer and indicated that she should lie down beside her. The warrior gave a token look of resistance but quickly acceded to the bard’s wishes, snuggling herself into her usual spot, one arm resting lightly on Gabrielle’s firm abdomen.

Ephiny grinned to see the two of them together, then shook her head. Some things just seemed destined.

END  

#xena #xena warrior princess #xena/gabrielle #xena/gabrielle fanfiction #PG-13 #fanfiction #femslash #author: swordnquil

[icequeenjules26]

A drop in the ocean

Summary: Dan had been ecstatic when his manager had informed him that strictly come dancing wanted him in the next season, until he found out HE would be there.

Word Count: 12,3k

Tags: Musician!Dan, Actor!Phil, Fluff, Angst, Strictly Come Dancing AU

A/n: Written for the @phandomficfests, crossing off the prompts Dancing with the stars (Writer's choice), 2012, Pen Pals, dog, second chance, birthday, communication, Starbucks sofa, commitment, picnic and #spon! (What a list, lol) As always the biggest ever thank you goes out to my angel @succubusphan for doing everything she could so this would get done on Phannies' day!!!

Read on AO3

August 2018

 @DanIsAGod3918: This is happening oh my god

@PhilLikesMen: finally i waited forever for this

@dannyboiiiiiii: still can’t believe they worked alongside each other without ever meeting? wtf

@bisexualDan: @dannyboiiiiiii ikr but i’m so here for it

@phanwillbeathing: FUCKINGFINALLY they’ll be together and in front of cameras this is a dream come true

 Dan groaned as he scrolled through the comments on his latest instagram post. It was honestly unbelievable. How could he not have known? He couldn’t do this - he couldn’t deal with this. It had been 6 years and Dan was still hung up about it - how was that even possible?

 He didn’t want to be here, honestly, not anymore.

 He had been ecstatic at first, when his manager had informed him that strictly come dancing, UK’s very own dancing with the stars show wanted him in the next season. He was a musician, so he hadn’t even bothered to ask them - musicians at least had the rhythm it took to dance, putting them into an advantage - but they had apparently seen the making of to his newest music video.

 Which wasn’t bad, not particularly, at least - it just showed him attempting to do an easy dance routine his choreographer had designed just for him but failing miserably. He first and foremost was a pianist, with mediocre guitar skills, but even the singing part was pushing it from time to time. Dancing? Like actually, physically moving his long limbs in an attempt to look at least somewhat graceful? The word alone let laughter bubble up his chest.

 But he had tried, for the sake of his team, and if it’s that what got him into this show in the first place then he was glad he did.

Or maybe not so much, anymore.

 Not since… Him.

 He had been invited under a bit of false pretences, Dan decided - they could’ve told him they were planning to get him as well, could they not? - as he stared at the coffee table in front of him, or more specifically, his laptop, displaying an article from some sort of gossip page. Headline:

 The meeting the UK has been waiting for: Howell and Lester both starring in strictly come dancing.

 He groaned again, shutting his laptop with his foot and letting his phone drop from his hand to sling an arm over his eyes instead, sliding down his sofa until his back laid flat on it, his butt hanging from the ledge in an awkward angle, feet propped up on his coffee table. This couldn’t be happening.

 He had been good, so, so good for so long, he had momentarily forgotten what he has even good about. But, as always, life will come and fuck him over when he least expected it. He should be used to it by now.

 He had nearly done it. Nearly forgotten those piercing blue eyes. Nearly forgotten this soothing voice, the blinding smile.

 He had almost gotten over how his stomach would swoop on the sole mention of the name, how his heart would skip a beat before picking up its pace.

 This brought it all back - and not in a good way. He couldn’t do it, it wasn’t fair. It had been years and the multiple edits of them together floating through the infinite space of the internet still made him feel like his heart would get squeezed harshly inside of his chest. He had accepted it by now; he would probably never be over him. He didn’t have the right to be, either, but meeting him now… Like this… It still hurt.

 A lot.

 Like a rusty knife in his chest.

 He had managed to avoid meeting him even while working on the same movie, for fuck’s sake. He had even skipped the premiere and every other event and interview he knew he’d be present at. Now they were being forced together by a bloody dancing show, one he was excited about, sure, but not excited enough for this.

 Never for this.

 The reaction of his fandom didn’t make it any easier. He had seen the theories and shipping all over tumblr and twitter, of course, but it had been sort of inevitable, with all the stuff they had in common and the fact they were both open about their bisexuality. Now, with the movie long over, he had thought it would subside as fast as it had risen.

 It didn’t, though, and Dan had no other choice than to go through with this.

 He groaned again. Sometimes, he hated life.

 :::

 April 2004

 Dan was ecstatic when he first learned of a thing called “Pen Pals”. His Nana had explained it to him and he loved the idea of having someone, somewhere, that he had never met but could share things with nonetheless, loved the idea of writing letters back and forth, of being excited to get home from school to check the mailbox, to see if something would be in there.

 He was only ten, but he knew enough about writing letters to do it properly, he thought. He’d also get the first checked over by his Nana, that was for sure, to make sure he wouldn’t embarrass himself on the first try. He was so excited to get started, but when he took the time to go through the suggestions the teletext had for him he was gutted. Not one of the kids there seemed genuinely interesting, not enough. Some lived so close it wouldn’t be any fun to write letters, and others were just too old.

 Then he got to the last page and a large grin erupted on his face. “Phil Lester, 12, Rawtenstall. I like Sonic and crash bandicoot and i love pokemon! buffy is the best tv show ever created. I’d love to gain a friend from far away!!!” it said, and Dan knew he’d found them. The person he’d write to.

 :::

 September 2018

 So far Dan had done an incredible job at avoiding Phil. His shooting with his tall, but quirky and optimistic dancing teacher and partner Cathy went well and fast enough for him to evade Phil. He was there during the group foto, obviously, but Dan had made a point of wanting to stay on the opposite end and surprisingly, no one had caught up on it or commented on it in any kind of way. After a week of simple dancing lessons they were now about ready to start practicing for their group dance. He was running out of options.

 That was the reason he allowed himself a chill night before the first group practice. A funny netflix show was running on the TV, he had a hot cup of tea on the coffee table and Jennah had her head resting on his thigh - he was relishing in the feeling of it.

 When his phone vibrated from somewhere next to him he grumbled along with his lady. Picking it up with his left hand he brought his right one down to lazily stroke her head. “It’s okay,” he mumbled when she opened her eyes to look up at him, only paying attention to the still offensively vibrating phone when she nuzzled closer and closed her eyes again.

 “Howell,” he answered it grouchily, head sinking against the back of his sofa. “I hope this is important.”

 Apparently, life hated him.

 “Dan? It’s Louise.”

 He suppressed the urge to growl lowly in his chest, almost certain about what was to follow. “Louise,” he huffed out instead, closing his eyes and bringing his right hand up to gently massage his glabella. There was exactly one person who knew of the whole debacle Dan had had with him, and he really didn’t need to hear another lecture about it from her.

 He knew it had been his fault.

 He also knew there was no way of undoing it, even if there was nothing he wanted more than to set things right.

 Yet, she kept pushing.

 “I just got home from vacation and checked instagram.”

 Oh. That’s what this was about. She hadn’t heard it before.

 “Louise-” he started, but got interrupted almost immediately. “No! Do not Louise me, Dan! This is getting ridiculous! Why can’t you just talk to him? If not to make it right, then at least for closure. What do you think will happen, the fucking apocalypse?!” He could tell she was aggravated, gruntled. She had always wanted him to do something, to not just sit around and let it weigh heavily on his heart, and this show obviously only made it worse.

 He couldn’t hold in the growl this time. He was gritting his teeth trying to keep himself from saying something that he’d regret later, but even that was getting harder. Jennah immediately reacted to his distrust, opening her eyes and sitting up next to him before moving closer, nuzzling his shoulder. She knew how well he reacted to cuddles, and she was willing to provide them. He could only move to stroke her back in a silent thank you. “I can’t, Louise. I fucking can’t, okay?”

 He could already hear her, taking a deep breath, setting up for a monologue, but he was having none of it. “No, Louise, no. I can’t hear it anymore. You think I don’t wish for what you want me to do, every day of every fucking week? You think I like this, doing nothing, suffering in silence? Because that’s what I’ve been doing for the past six years. But as long as you haven’t miraculously invented a time machine on your vacation, there’s no way to undo this. Have you?”

 His friend on the other end stayed silent, and he could feel the tears starting to pool into his eyes. “I thought so,” he closed, his voice breaking along the way. He managed to keep it together for as long as it took him to end the call, but then he broke down, sobbing violently. His body started shaking, he didn’t know what to do, how to make it better, so he did what he always did when he needed comfort:  he threw his arms around Jennah and moved to press his face into her neck, hiding from the world.

 :::

 April 2007

 It had been two years since Dan had send his first letter to Rawtenstall near Manchester.

 Him and Phil had become fast friends and the amount of letters they were sending to each other had become ridiculous by now. Dan’s Dad had gotten mad at him for spending that much money on postal charges only a few months after the first letter and basically told him to stop being friends with Phil - or at least tone it down considerably - so they were now using his nana’s letter box so his dad wouldn’t catch him.

 Even his nana had become agitated with it after a while, so they had a deal now. Dan did chores around the house or the garden, like doing the dishes or wiping the floor, and his nana would give him postal stamps as a payment. Other kids wanted to buy candy or save the money to spend it on games, but all he wanted was to write Phil. His nana could probably make him do anything if he’d get those postal stamps in return. To him, they were worth more than diamonds.

 They had exchanged pictures of themselves and their homes, they shared their secrets with each other and knew everything there was to know about the other, and Dan reveled in it. The had even exchanged phone numbers, but they had to pay calls in minutes, so they usually didn’t call each other except for special occasions.

 Today, apparently, was such a “special occasion”.

 When Dan got out of school he didn’t even bother to go home. Instead, he walked directly to his nana, who lived right next to him. That was a normal occurrence by now - he spent most of his time here. His parents were barely home anyways and his nana was watching his little brother after school, so it didn’t even attract his parent’s attention,

 Luckily. His dad would probably not like it. Especially not the reason behind it.

 Because, obviously, Dan didn’t spend all his time at his nana’s just because he loved her so much. He did, but he was still an introvert; he loved having time for himself and not having to talk to other human beings - he did this for Phil.

 Ridiculously much he did seemed to be for Phil nowadays.

 He was waiting for a new letter that should probably arrive today or tomorrow. It usually took four or five days, sometimes six, from sending a letter to receiving one, and he had send one last wednesday. It was monday now.

 When he opened his nana’s door with his key she was already sat in the kitchen, obviously waiting for him. After greeting her he sat down his bag on a kitchen chair before taking a seat himself, snatching an apple from the fruit bowl sat in the middle of the table. “Everything okay, nana?” he asked after taking the first bite. It wasn’t usual she was waiting for him like this, she was usually up and about around the house or reading in the living room when he got home from school.

 A smirk slowly creeped onto her face as she obviously observed him closely. “A very agitated young man called around an hour ago. Said he wanted to talk to you,” she stated and he perked up immediately, eyes flying up to her face. “Phil?” he asked, almost breathlessly, and felt the heat rising through his neck all the way up to his cheeks. He cleared his throat. “I mean - Was it Phil?” He forced his voice to be calm this time, but the grin on his nana’s face had already widened and he knew she had picked up on his behaviour immediately. “It was. I told him you’d be back around now, he should be calling again in a few minutes.” She paused, raising an eyebrow mockingly. “Anything you’d like to tell me, son?”

 He could feel his cheeks heating up even more and almost desperately avoided her eyes.

He was about to start saying something, anything, when a shrill ringing interrupted him. “I’ll go,” he practically squeaked out and jumped up to run to the hallway to get the phone.

 “Phil?”, he answered it breathlessly and was rewarded with a laugh. “Dan! Take a guess who can now phone people as much as he wants without having to pay more?” greeted him an excited voice on the other line and a wide grin stretched his face in seconds. “Hm, I don’t know. Sarah Michelle Gellar?” Again there was laughter on the other side and Dan wished he’d have a way to look at the other boy’s face when he laughed. “It’s me!” was the answer and Dan could feel excitement bubbling up in his chest.

 He looked around the hallway, realizing there was nothing to sit down on while talking on the phone. Maybe they should put a chair in there somewhere. He could see himself needing it a lot in the future.

 :::::

 September 2018

 Dan’s day was not going great so far. He was exhausted, probably dehydrated and he hadn’t eaten in a few hours, but still did not have the time to catch a break. He hadn’t gotten any proper work done for months now - since he had written the music for the movie, actually - and his manager was getting nervous. Not that he could blame her, he’d promised her a line-up for his new album back in July - but that had been before Strictly come dancing had poked its head at him. He couldn’t have let this opportunity go, so he’d had to promise her he’d work while practicing for the show.

 It wasn’t working. The whole idea had been rubbish to begin with, to be honest; he’d known the show needed his whole attention and utter commitment. Stef was just ridiculously persuasive, that was the problem here.

 Still… He couldn't do it. He just couldn’t. He’d just have to talk to Stef, he decided when he let his pen drop and looked up for the first time for hours from his place on the ground in his music room, musical sheets and random pieces of lyrics scattered around him. His head was completely blank, not one idea breaking through properly.

 He wasn’t used to this. Normally he sat a pen to paper and had an almost finished song mere hours later, but now all that came out of his head was crap.

 Or a name, he realized when he got up, looking around him to get a general view of what he’d written. His name was smudged across random pages, written in large, black letters that instantly managed to catch his attention. His breath hitched. How had he not noticed he’d been doing that?

His heart hammered in his chest and tears were starting to pool in his eyes as he looked over the papers scattered across the floor. Without thinking he pulled out his phone, taking a picture and sending it to Louise. He would probably regret that later, but he didn’t even realize what he was doing in his horrified state.

 He left his music room in a hurry, closing the door behind him in panic as if he could contain the ghost of his past relationship in there, trapping it inside. How was this still getting him? How was he still basically unable to function with the thought of it, after more than six years? Why was he still unable to let go?

 Somewhere at the bottom of his heart he knew why. He knew why he couldn’t breathe at the prospect of being in the same room with him for hours - he knew what it meant that his heart was hammering in his chest every time he set foot into the studio they were practicing the group dance in.

 He knew it. Had known it the whole time.

 He was still in love with him. Six years later and the feelings he had been fighting against the whole time were still there, strong as ever.

 He knew it, but - it didn’t change anything. Not really.

 Not when he couldn’t even think his name without breaking down into tears.  

 Phil.

 :::

 April 2008

 It had been four years since Dan had written his first letter to Phil. He was fourteen now, and he spent most of his time on the internet.

 Actually, he spent the most time talking to Phil.

 Through the internet.

 He was lucky his family had still not caught up on it. He was pretty sure his nana was aware he had not just miraculously stopped talking to Phil, even though the hour long conversations in her hallway had lessened immensely; but the rest of them - especially his dad - were still in the dark about it.

 And that was honestly the only thing that was important.

 Today was a slow day so far. It was wednesday, which to him, was amazing, because it was a day he had only a few hours of school while his parents usually stayed out far longer than usual. Why, he had no idea; he just assumed it was the busiest day of their week.

 He had gotten home around an hour ago, had made himself some lunch and settled down in front of his TV to watch some mind-numbing midday show to calm himself down after school.

 Normally, he would already be talking to Phil, who usually had a slow wednesday as well, but for some reason he wasn’t picking up, neither on his skype nor on his cellphone. He wasn’t that worried yet, but he still thought it was odd. It happened from time to time that Phil wouldn’t be there that early on wednesdays, for example when his mum caught him before he could get into his room, forcing him to do stuff for her. Normally he’d at least let him know via text, so Dan was getting a little agitated by now.

 When Phil still hadn’t texted him or picked up his phone three hours after their usual skyping-time he grew increasingly worried. He seriously considered calling Phil’s landline but was a bit scared to only reach Phil’s mum - the woman didn’t seem to like him much, not that he could blame her.

 At the exact moment he was about to call, his laptop started making noises from its place next to him on his bed, indicating an incoming skype call. He accepted the call before even picking it up.

 “Phil!” he called when the video finally loaded, revealing an obviously excited Phil, eyes sparkling and hair pushed up into a messy quiff in contrast to his usual, neatly arranged fringe. “Dan!” He grinned broadly, bouncing up and down, making the video jump along with him in the process. “You won’t believe what happened!”

 Dan was unable to hide the fond smile sneaking its way onto his face. “Robert Downey Jr. joined a cult and you get to replace him in Iron Man 2?”

 He almost choked on his own spit when Phil pouted in response. He could feel warmth wandering up his neck, settling in his cheeks and knew he was probably about as red as a lobster. How could someone be so goddamn cute and handsome at the same time?

 “Sadly, no,” Phil answered before a new grin lit up his face as he clapped his hands excitedly. “But! I did just get a role!” he exclaimed, with a smile so wide Dan was surprised it didn’t split his face in half.

 “What?” he asked, almost dumbfounded, staring at his best friend as if he’d just told him the sky was green. “Are you serious?”

 “Yes! I just got home from casting, that’s why I couldn’t call earlier. I scored a role in the sixth series of Shameless!” Phil answered, excitedly bouncing up and down again, and Dan was left to do nothing but stare. The news hardly even reached his brain with the way Phil looked, excited and glowing and all focused on his screen. Focused on Dan. He secretly pressed the Print Screen key on his laptop, conserving this picture to look at it again and again and again.

 That’s when Phil’s words properly registered in his brain. “Are you serious?”, he croaked, voice raw with the emotions coursing through him. When Phil nodded he started bouncing up and down as well, completely unconsciously, beaming so brightly in the process, the muscles in his cheeks started burning almost immediately.

 “Yes! I get to act! And I’ll earn my own money!” he exclaimed, obviously still not completely able to believe it himself. Dan let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding, eyes wide as he stared into the blue eyes of his best friend - the best friend who made his heart flutter and his breathing hitch. That was normal, right? That’s what best friends were supposed to do to you?

 Deep inside, he knew they were not, but he enjoyed living in denial for just a few days longer.

 “I’m so happy for you, Phil!” he replied, happiness seeping through him from his head all the way down to his toes. “What will you do with the money?” His voice was high pitched and giddy and his best friend chuckled in response.

 “Well, there’s someone I know that’s in desperate need of train tickets for his birthday…”

 Dan’s eyes sparkled so bright for the rest of the day, even his mum caught up on it hours later.

 :::

 September 2018

 As the date for the launch show drew incredibly near so did the point where he’d finally have to talk to Phil. The amount of requests for interviews with them both together were growing ridiculous and the bbc hyped it up as much as possible. He was a professional, and he got the general idea of why the bbc reacted the way they did, but that didn’t mean he liked it.

 Not really. Not at all.

 Still, when the launch show was rolling he managed to not exchange a single word with Phil. Whenever there were cameras he was at least 20 meters away from Phil so they couldn’t force them both in frame with the little time they had backstage.

 He got on stage sometimes in the middle of the show and was interviewed. It was mostly just general questions about his life at the moment, how his new album was coming along and if there was anything planned, but he truthfully answered that right now, he was entirely committed to this show. It meant a lot to him already. He was excited to learn even more about music and to dance, and when he announced that any money he’d make during it would be donated to Young Minds the audience basically flipped. He was amazed at the reaction it caused; he hadn’t expected it.

 The questions got a bit more personal afterwards. They packed it nicely, sure, asking about any Ladies or Gentlemen in his life that could be offended with his dedication to the show, but it was still basically the question of if he was in a relationship or not.

 So he decided to have a bit of fun with that.

  “Well, there’s always Stef, my manager. Oh, and my queen, of course, she’s really not amused I’m spending so much time away from home,” he answered with a chuckle, all teasingly and with a suggestive wink, hinting at something that wasn’t there. He predicted that it would grant him protection from the bbc’s shipping attempts at least for the first few shows; it was also their own fault.

 They didn’t know “my queen” ment a five year old Shakita Inu lady named Jennah after the queen in his favorite video game. Most of his fans would obviously know or at least assume that - she was all over his Instagram after all - but even that could take a while.

 He looked around when he said it, gauging the reaction it caused in the audience. He had expected everything, really, from joy to devastation from his fans, some of who were clearly sat in the audience right now; but what he did not expect… Was Phil.

 He caught sight of his face only briefly, but he could not believe what he found there.

Phil’s face was scrunched up, hurt written all over it, and when their eyes met for just a single blink, the blue was dull and washed down, more grey than colourful. He could have sworn there were tears glistening in the corner of them, threatening to fall any moment.

 But that had to be some kind of coincidence.

 It had to.

 There was no other option.

 After the interview he somehow successfully weaseled himself out of without giving away too much information, he performed his latest single, written for the movie Phil had played the leading role in. He could feel Phil’s eyes on him the whole time he played, the look burning on his skin like melted caramel, sweet and hurtful at the same time. His fingers prickled with the knowledge that those eyes were finally looking at him again, playing a song that was obviously based on their relationship.

 Not that any song that Dan had written had not been somehow based on that.

 For a brief moment, Dan wondered if Phil had realized, if he still cared. Cared that his career was basically solely based on the things Phil had told him when they were younger. Did he even realize how big his impact on Dan’s life had been? Or did he still believe the things Dan had told him six years ago to push him away?

 He didn’t know. He only knew that it hurt.

 A lot.

 When the last, sorrowful notes of the song thrummed through his fingers and his throat as he pressed the keys and sang the words, his mind provided him with the fact that their anniversary was only a few weeks away and he couldn’t stop a single tear from making its way down his cheek. His heart was throbbing forcefully in his chest and his breathing hitched the exact moment the last note had rung out. He just hoped no camera had caught that.

 Knowing his luck, they’d have it on closeup.

 ::::

 October 2009

 Dan didn’t know why, but this time things seemed to be different when he arrived at Manchester Train station. Phil seemed agitated, almost nervous when he greeted him, fiddling with his jacket and adjusting his fringe whenever his hands weren’t otherwise occupied. Dan wasn’t sure what to make of that, but decided to let it slide without much comment. He was sure whatever it was Phil would tell him as soon as he was ready. They knew each other for longer than 5 years at this point, Phil knew he could talk to him about everything.

 Instead of taking the bus back to Rawtenstall Phil lead him on a journey through Manchester. They visited sights Dan had never payed attention to and afterwards they went to get a coffee at Starbucks, sitting together closely in the booth they always occupied when they were there; so closely their whole sides were touching. Dan’s right hand laid on the table as they talked, occasionally sipping on their caramel lattes, and he itched to take Phil’s left one into his, placed just a few centimeters apart. Did Phil realize he had his palm up, basically inviting Dan to take it, or was it just coincidence?

 They continued their journey when they were both done with their coffees, talking and laughing as usual, yet, something seemed different. When they walked, their hands would brush together, and Dan could have sworn Phil’s fingertips were outstretched towards the back of his hand.

 He knew it was probably nothing more than wishful thinking, but a guy could dream, right?

 Phil still was straight up on edge when they arrived at their destination, which Dan quickly identified as the Manchester eye. Why they were there, he had no idea, but he liked it. He had been living close to London his whole life, yet never had had come around to take a ride on the London Eye.

 “Did you do it on purpose?” he asked gently when they got into the cabin, both sat on the same bench, pressed up together. “Do you remember?” The view got better and better the higher they went, but he couldn’t keep his eyes off of Phil, whose blue eyes shone brightly in the light of the setting sun.

 “Of course I remember,” Phil answered softly, eyes completely trained on Dan, “You always wanted to visit the London Eye, so I figured this is the next best thing.”

 Dan couldn’t keep the eye contact any longer, so he turned his head, looking out the other side. He could feel tears rising, that’s how overwhelmed he was with the whole gesture, but he blinked them away. “This is better,” he murmured, voice barely above a whisper.

 Then there was a hand on his cheek, gently taking a hold of his chin, turning him around until his sight was back on Phil. All the previous tension and nervousness seemed to have left his body. His movements now were confident and certain, determination shining in his eyes as they gazed into Dan’s. “Everything's better with you,” Phil whispered and Dan breathing hitched, his whole body shuddering with anticipation.

 When they finally kissed Dan realized it had been inevitable from the start. Phil’s lips felt warm, velvety, right against his own and it was like the world finally set into place. Like everything had been unsure and wavering all his life, turning and spinning around him, leaving Dan unable to ever find his footing, but now it had clicked into place and everything stood still for the first time in his life.

 After the kiss ended Phil didn’t let go of Dan. Instead he sat his hand on his cheek and pressed their foreheads together, his bright, blue eyes gazing into Dan’s as if he was the only one that would ever matter. “I like you, Dan,” he whispered, voice almost inaudible. “I really, really like you.”

 Dan’s heart stopped for a few seconds, his breath caught in his throat and he felt like the world around them had come to a crashing halt, like time had stopped for everyone but them. Was this really happening? Or was it just one of the dreams that would keep him on edge for hours afterwards, knowing it would never come true?

 He had hoped, wished for this for so long; had prayed to a god he didn’t even believe in - yet Phil had never made the first move. They had felt like a real possibility from the first time they met over a year ago on Dan’s 15th birthday, when Phil had stumbled over his words when they had hugged and his cheeks had burned crimson red. Dan would never forget that day; the day he had realized that he wanted them to end up together against all odds.

 Then his neck started burning from the way it was bend and he realized - this was real.

 It was raw, it wasn’t perfect, but it was real, and Dan could feel tears rising into his eyes. “I really, really like you too, Phil,” he answered and then Phil leaned in to kiss him again, a sob of relief breaking from his throat.

 And for that one, single moment Dan felt like they could defeat everything that would ever stand in their way.

 :::::

 October 2018

 Their anniversary had always been particularly hard on Dan. Normally he’d spent the day curled up on his couch with Jennah, eating a ridiculous amount of chocolate and drinking too much alcohol, Louise on the phone or somewhere in his flat, keeping him from doing things he would regret later on - like calling his dad; he’d done that one year, hadn’t ended well. Not really.

 This year, Dan wouldn’t be able to do that. This year, he’d even have to meet Phil at some point of the day for rehearsal, probably for longer than he’d be able to endure.

 Because that’s what he was doing, Dan realized as he checked into his hotel room, enduring Phil’s presence. It was still torture to even be in the same room as him, let alone talk to him. What would happen when Phil finally got tired of ignoring him; when his selferestrain would finally break and he’d unload six years of pent up aggression towards him?

 Dan would crack at the first word, turn around and run, public appearance be damned.

 He was just hoping it wouldn’t happen during a live broadcast.

 This week Dan had decided to screw the hotel’s room policy and bring Jennah with him. He needed her today, more than ever, he wouldn’t survive the day without her - especially not the night, when he’d have gotten back from rehearsal - after seeing Phil. Fortunately, he didn’t even get one single negative comment when he lead the lady dog into the hotel, suitcase in tow. The pretty, courteous dog got nothing but positive comments from the staff, especially when they realized how well-trained she was, following his commands immediately even when he accidentally dropped her leash. She was wary towards strangers, still hadn’t even completely accepted Louise as his friend, but she trusted him with a burning passion that overshadowed everything else.

 They finally made it up to their room and Dan didn’t feel energized enough to do anything else but flop down on the bed. Jennah, who knew she was not allowed to climb onto the bed without an explicit invitation, whined softly at him, and he didn’t have it in him to deny her request. She was incredibly sensitive of his emotions and sensed that he needed comfort, but was unable to provide it due to the distance Dan had put between them.

 He softly patted the space next to him and she jumped up immediately, laying down cuddled into his side, head gently resting on his shoulder. He drapped his arm around her, stroking her soft fur. She continued to make quiet whimper like noises, but they were less needy now, more content.

 The tears started rising without his consent. He didn’t even know what caused them, he just knew that suddenly, they were there, threatening to fall; and then there was a sob escaping his throat, the dam broke and the tears started flowing freely. He couldn’t believe this was happening.

 A few more hours and it had been nine years on the dot. Exactly nine years since Phil had made the first step, kissing him on the Manchester eye.

 Dan wanted nothing more than to kiss him again, like he had been able to until this faithful day six years ago, to kiss him and hug him and love him - but he couldn’t, and it was ripping him apart from the inside out.

 It wasn’t fair. He was aware he hadn’t always been the best person, was aware he’d made mistakes, but didn’t everyone? What was it that entitled him specifically for this sorrow, this heartbreak; a pain you wouldn’t wish upon your worst enemies?

 When it was time to head over to the studio for the final rehearsal he was barely able to let go of Jennah. He knew he couldn’t bring her with him, but that didn’t make it any easier to leave her soft fur and gentle comfort behind.

 He managed to though, eventually, tears dried and the puffiness of his eyes immensely decreased after crying for what felt like hours.

 Maybe it had been hours. Or maybe he’d stopped crying halfway through and had just laid there, cuddling Jennah and staring off into space, into nothingness, into a time where he and Phil had been together and so happy Dan had thought he might just burst any second.

 Before his world had been ripped into shreds.

 Arriving at the studio he discovered that life definitely hated him. He and Phil had never really met on camera and he’d managed to avoid him during the aftershow and even the daily talk show, but now he saw this week’s order of dancHe didn’t have it in him to say much more, his heart was itching to tell the truth and he knew he couldn’t trust himself much longer.ers and he wanted to barf or cry or die on the spot.

 It was just his luck that put him on seventh spot with Phil in eighth - the exact time they had kissed, half past seven - which meant that despite his best efforts he would definitely meet Phil today.

 Out of all the shows, why did it have to be today? Wasn’t it enough he was already laying on the ground, broken beyond repair? No, life had to send someone after him to squash him, again and again and again until he would be unable to ever get up again.

 While waiting for their turn Cathy, his dance partner, managed to keep his mind off of things. They talked and laughed and when she asked him about how his queen was doing he gladly took out his phone, showing her a few of the array of pictures he had taken on their walk last night. Her eyes started sparkling immediately. “She’s so beautiful. And she’s completely fixed on you, Dan, like you’re her everything, it’s so cute,” she gushed and Dan blushed.

 Something crashed then and he looked up, only barely catching sight of a distraught looking Phil scurrying away in a hurry.

 Surprisingly, his rehearsal went okay. He was a bit more nervous and jumpier than usual, but he was a professional, so he was able to act it off quite successfully.

 When he was done with it, though, and turned to get backstage, that’s when it all went to hell.

 Cathy had gone on ahead without him, claiming to desperately need water, so there was no one else around when he met Phil on the way. He was trying to get past him as fast as possible, but due to the passage backstage being so small there he had to brush Phil - that’s when he felt long, slender fingers reaching for him, closing around his wrist. For a moment, their eyes met and the blue was so vengeful, so cold Dan was left standing in a snowstorm.

 He stopped dead in his track, eyes wide open, staring ahead, trying to not look at Phil, to not give him any more openings.

 Because this was it, Dan thought; this was the moment his carefully mended heart would get smashed into pieces all over again.

 Phil moved his face next to Dan, so close he could feel Phil’s breath on his skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake. “I hope she’s good enough for you,” he hissed into Dan’s ear, voice so cold it froze the remaining pieces of Dan’s heart. They clinked a melody as they burst, a melody sounding dangerously like the song Dan had written for the movie, the song Dan had written solely for the purpose of reaching Phil.

 He didn’t even know how he got away. Maybe he hadn’t, maybe Phil had just moved past him and let him stand there, desperately clinging to the remaining shards of his heart. They seared him as he tried to hold on to them, but he didn’t even feel it anymore. The pain was gone, all that was left was a numbness that could’ve, should’ve scared him.

 The next thing he knew he was sitting on a sofa in one of the resting rooms backstage, a bottle of water in his hands. He could hear people walking by in the hallway, but he was completely alone, which he was more than glad for. Streaks of tears were running down his cheeks as he sobbed quietly, and all he wanted to do was to get to Jennah, to press his face into her soft fur and accepting the knowledge that yes, he would never be okay again, but it didn’t matter as long is this amazing creature loved him.

 The opening of a door tore him out of his thoughts and he stood up reflexively. He had hoped that maybe, it was Cathy checking in on him or one of the crew members informing him that he could go back to the hotel now, but no.

 No. It was Phil.

 Of course it was.

 He looked horrible. His form was hunched over, as if he barely had the strength to hold himself up anymore and his eyes were red and swollen with tears running down his cheeks.

 Dan took an unconscious step forwards, moving to comfort Phil, until he realized that he had lost all privilege to do so years ago.

 How was he still not used to that, he wondered briefly when Phil finally raised his head and their eyes met.

 “You know,” he started, voice hoarse and barely above a whisper, “I want to forgive you. I want to forgive you so that -” His voice broke and he took a deep breath - or maybe it was a sob. Dan couldn’t be sure.  “So that I can stop.” He got louder, more confident and Dan wanted to say something, anything, but he was frozen, unable to move or even breathe.

 “Stop thinking of what you did to me… Stop thinking of you,” he continued and fresh tears sprang into Dan’s eyes, a pain in his chest, so soaring he was sure it would consume him any moment.

 “Forgive you, so that I never have to think of you ever again… Because I refuse to.” Phil’s voice broke again as a sob rattled him, new tears spilling from his eyes and he looked so broken Dan’s heart was pierced by a million spears all at once.

 Just for a second it was quiet, complete silence engulfing them aside from the distinct chatter coming from somewhere down the hallway. Not that Dan even registered it as they continued to stare into each others eyes, a pain soaring through his body like howling flames, burning their way through his veins, leaving behind nothing but destruction.

“But I can’t.” Phil sobbed again and finally looked away, down to the ground before he lifted his gaze again, staring dead into Dan’s eyes. “I want to, so, so desperately, but I can’t.”

 He didn’t even wait for Dan to react, not for the hurried “Phil, wait!” Dan finally managed to throw after him, only released from the spell that had kept him rooted to the spot when they broke eye contact, nor for the sob that fought its way up his throat. He just turned around and left Dan to break down on his own.

 :::

 June 2012

 Dan’s nineteenth birthday was the most beautiful one he’d ever had.

 Firstly, he was in a generally good place in life. He had finally started pursuing music as a real career option after Phil had practically begged him to for years and had gotten his first contract a few weeks ago. His parents were surprisingly okay with it - or at least his mum was - and his nana was the most encouraging he’d ever seen her.

 Secondly, Phil was the most amazing boyfriend he ever could’ve asked for. He was supporting Dan’s every decision, he was thoughtful and attentive and, quite frankly, hot as fuck. He always took Dan’s opinions into account when he made decisions and was considerate of whatever problems Dan had - which were, mostly, about the fact that Dan’s parents still didn’t know of either the fact that he was still in contact with Phil, nor about Dan’s sexuality - let alone his relationship to Phil. It didn’t make things easy, but now that Phil earned a lot of money he sponsored Dan a train ticket every other weekend - at least when he wasn’t away for whatever acting role he was doing at the time. It was a system that worked for them, and Dan didn’t care about anything else.

 And thirdly, his amazing boyfriend had managed to get some time off from filming so they could spend a few precious days together over his birthday.

 Spending time together got increasingly difficult with Phil’s rising popularity, but they spent a week all alone in the cottage that Phil’s parents owned, a cottage on top of a cliff on the isle of man. They went on a picnic on the beach almost every day, and it was during one of those on monday, his actual birthday, when Phil gifted him with a key to his new flat in London and a speech soaked with the love he felt for him.

 Dan had never felt more like flying than he did in this moment.

 Unfortunately, that only made his fall even harder.

 When he got home on thursday the atmosphere at home seemed weird from the very first moment he stepped through the door. He was well rested and had been in a bliss-like state the whole week, but now he got anxious when he climbed the stairs to his bedroom, suitcase in tow.

 His suspicions got verified when he pushed the doors to his bedroom open and revealed his little brother, hunched over on the edge of his bed, clutching a pillow to his belly and sobbing loudly.

 Dan closed the door behind him and hurdled over to his little brother. “Adrian!” he murmured apprehensively, moving to sling an arm around the boy’s shoulders. “My god, what’s wrong?”

 “I-i’m s-so sorry, D-Dan,” he squeezed out in between sobs. Dan tried to comfort him, gently murmuring encouraging nonsense, until Adrian had calmed down a bit, at least enough to form semi-coherent sentences. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to, I swear, I was just looking at the pictures and dad came in and-”

 Dan’s blood froze in his veins, his heart stopped and the hand on his brother’s arm clenched involuntarily. “What did he see,” he clenched out between gritted teeth, missing the questioning tone but Adrian answered him anyway. “One of the picture of you and Phil kissing. I’m so sorry.”

 Dan didn’t even hear him anymore. He felt like the world had been pulled out from under his feet and he was falling, tumbling down an endless cliff he had no idea how to get out of.

 His dad choose this exact moment to storm into the room, looking about ready to murder his innocent child. “We need to talk, Dan,” he said in a monotone voice, but his eyes were so aggressive Dan wanted nothing else but to curl up into a ball and hide. It’s fine, he wanted to make himself believe, you can just go and live with Phil if he throws you out.

 But it went worse than he had feared.

 It turned out his father didn’t want him out of the house, now that he was on his way to success in the music industry, and he had his way of forcing him to stay. Instead of screaming at him, threatening him to throw him out, he blackmailed Dan.

 He still screamed, a lot, about what a disgrace he was and why, out of all the males in this country, it had to be this one. Dan strongly assumed it wouldn’t have made any difference if it would’ve been Prince Harry or whatever other male member of the royal family, but he kept his mouth shut.

 He briefly toyed with the idea to jump in to defend Phil, to tell his father that he was a successful actor and an amazing person, but he didn’t give him the chance to say anything.

 “I want him out of your life. You are going to cut every and all ties to that filth and will not contact him again in any kind of way. That clear?” His father’s voice had gone from screaming to hissing and the volume had gone down considerably, but his eyes stayed the same, fixing Dan in a gaze harder than steel. He took a deep breath. That was it. That was him standing up to his father for the first time in his life.

 “Why?” he asked, eyes set dead on him, “Why would I do that? I love him, Dad. I’ll stay with him, no matter what you say. I don’t care what you’ll do to me.” He was proud his voice didn’t break or falter in the slightest, and for a moment he thought that he’d done it, that he’d won.

 Then a smirk creeped onto his father’s face and he knew something was about to go terribly wrong.

 “You might not care about yourself”, his father said, voice cheerful like he knew he was about to ruin Dan’s life, and he liked it. “But don’t you care about your boyfriend?” Dan hadn’t been aware that the term boyfriend could sound like a slur, but suddenly it did. “I have acquired some pictures the public might find incredibly interesting…”

 Dan hadn’t noticed it before, but his father had Dan’s old laptop open on the table in front of him; the very laptop he had given his little brother because he had gotten himself a new one from his first self-earned money.

 Dan already knew what he would see there when his father turned it around. He had transferred, but forgotten to delete all the pictures he had saved on there, including a variety of ones of Phil and him, cuddling, kissing - happy. Maybe he hadn’t even particularly cared to delete them, considering Adrian was aware of Dan’s relationship, had been for a long time. He had been happy for him and the warmth Dan had always felt at the prospect had frozen to solid ice now.

 Tears started prickling in his eyes and it took all his willpower to suppress the sob that was threatening to rip from his throat. He knew what his father was suggesting. He was obviously waiting for Dan to make a choice - but they both knew there was no choice to make.

 The crushing realization that he would give into his father’s blackmail made his heart shatter into a million pieces, but there was nothing he could do about it. The public had become much more open about those topics, but they both knew a sexuality scandal would be enough to destroy Phil’s entire career.

 They also both knew Dan couldn’t do that to Phil - not even risk it. His father had his resources, and when he wanted to know of every interaction between Dan and Phil, then he would.

 So Dan had to end it. For good.

 He was given the chance of one last skype call to break up with Phil. He knew he wasn’t the best actor and that Phil would be able to tell he’d been crying and how incredibly crushed he was, so he had to make sure that Phil wouldn’t realize, make him preoccupied with himself.

 He had to play into Phil’s insecurities. He hated himself for it, but it needed to be done; even if it tore him apart in the process.

 Phil greeted him in his usual, cheerful voice when the call connected and Dan could already feel the tears starting to rise, a sob threatening to escape his throat. There was a weight on his chest, so heavy he didn’t know how he was able to stay in an upright position. He carefully plastered an indifferent mask onto his face while his mind went back in time to keep the tears at bay; back to his birthday, back when he’d been so happy he hadn’t even known what to do with all the happiness.

 He cut right to the case, unable to put off the evil any longer.

 “Phil.. I can’t do this any longer. I have tried, but… I can’t. You’re just…” His throat constricted and he almost had to gag. He had never said words more untrue in his entire life. “You’re not good enough for me.”

 He couldn’t look Phil in the eyes as he said it. He didn’t want to see the pain, the sorrow; didn’t want to hear the sobs and the pleeds. He wanted away. Far, far away; to a place where he and Phil could be happy… Could be together.

 He felt like a monster.

 Would feel like one for a long time.

  “But I love you!” Phil pleaded. Dan’s heart constricted in his chest. His palms were probably ripped open with the force he pressed his nails into them, trying to keep himself from breaking.

 He didn’t have it in him to say much more, his heart was itching to tell the truth and he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep his facade much longer. He couldn’t help but let a tiny, incredibly quiet “I’m sorry, I love you” slip out, but it was drowned out by Phil’s cries.

 Louder, he said “We’re done. Don’t contact me ever again,” ended the call and forced himself to block Phil on any and all social media.

 Only then did he allow himself to break down.

 He knocked the glass from his bedside table as he started wailing, crumbling apart; and he watched it fall to the ground and shatter into a million pieces…

 Just like his heart.

 ::::

 October 2018

 Dan didn’t know how he made it back to his hotel room. He only knew Jennah was already waiting for him by the door as he stumbled inside, whining when she saw his state. She was by his side immediately, whimpering as she pressed her head to his thigh.

 He didn’t even make it to the bed. Instead, he sunk to the ground right there, back pressed against the door. Jennah didn’t waste any time to cuddle into his side nuzzling his shoulder. He raised his hand to stroke her ears and she rewarded him with a soft whimper, nearly drowning the sound of his sobs.

 He couldn't do this any longer. He had endured the pain for six years but now It felt like he had reached his breaking point. he couldn't do it one single second longer. He was at his breaking point.

 He skurried a bit to fumble out the phone hidden in the front pocket of his black skinny jeans. Jennah continued to provide comfort, and he appreciated it more than anything else, but he needed more. He needed his best friend.

 He had to discover that the reception in the hotel was more than bad, though, so he had no other choice but to drag himself across the room to the balcony. He slumped down again when he was outside, sliding down with his back pressed against the glass. It was the middle of October and only around six pm, but it was almost completely dark outside already. He could see the stars from where he sat and briefly wished he would be up there, somewhere far, far away, where the way his heart had been crushed meant nothing anymore.

 He was aware there was no such place, no matter how far away. But for a moment, he let himself dream.

 Until Jennah’s wet snout nuzzled into his hands.

She was back at his side again, a chocolate bar held carefully in her snout, and he wanted to cry again, out of love for this wonderful creature. “Thank you. I love you so much,” he whispered and ruffled the fur between her ears affectionately, taking the chocolate and ripping the wrapping open to take a bite. It was a bit inconvenient with one hand, considering he still held his phone in the other, but -

 Wait. Phone, balcony…

 Right. Louise.

 He dialed her number as he swallowed the first bite of chocolate.

 She picked up on the first ring. “Dan. How are you doing?” she asked, gently and caring, and suddenly there was warmth spreading through his chest. “I’m okay,” he tried, but his voice was croaky and hollow and he didn’t even believe himself.

 “Oh, honey. What happened?” Of course she wasn’t fooled. He shouldn’t even have tried.

 “I.. He… He talked to me.” He cuddled into Jennah for the extra comfort as he talked, who sat pressed into his side, a bastion of calm in the middle of the storm that was his pain.

 That’s how he told Louise everything that had happened. How they had passed each other in the entry to the stage. How Phil had come back to talk to him, what he had said, how broken he had looked. He started crying somewhere halfway through the story and there was some kind of rustling on the balcony beside his, indicating there was someone there, but he didn’t care.

 “Oh, Dan,” she whispered when he was done, and he could almost feel her embrace. He was so accustomed to her present, especially on this particular day, and it was strange to not have her there with him. He sobbed again. “It’s just,” he croaked, new tears spilling from his eyes, “In the end he’s right. It’s my fault. What happened is my fault and I just -” He halted, unsure of how to continue. “How could I do this to him?”

  “It’s not your fault, Dan,” Louise remarked, voice still soft, obviously scared to make his breakdown even worse by unsettling him.

 In the end, maybe it was that what unsettled him the most. The carefulness, the way she treated him like he was a small child or a wild animal, like he could get spooked and run away every second. “But it was!” he cried, louder now, and Jennah next to him howled lowly. “There has to be something I could have done differently! I could’ve tried fighting my dad, or try to make him see reason! Or at least something to make Phil understand I did it just to save him and his career!”

 It was silent for a while before he continued, and he knew she kept quiet just to let him get it out. “I was just so scared. I loved… Love him so much, Louise. Everything I did was just for him.” There was a broken sob from somewhere to his right and he froze immediately. For a second he thought it had been him, choking out a sob unintentionally, but Jennah’s head was turned over to the right too, staring intensely into the darkness. Again, there was rustling on the balcony there, a sound like a door sliding closed. His lady dog growled lowly for a second, but then complete silent engulfed them both, aside from the voice of Louise in his ear, murmuring soothing words.

 He was starting to think he’d imagined it all when there was a harsh knock on his door. He sat there, frozen, head turned to look through the glass pane, across his room to where the sound came from. He sat completely still, a hand laid on top of Jennah’s head tentatively to keep her quiet. A few seconds the knock came back, louder this time, more insistent. “Dan, open the door!” a voice shouted from the outside and his breathing itched. That had almost sounded like…

 “Phil?!” he questioned quietly, talking to himself, which made Louise quiet down on the other end of his still going phone call. “Louise I think… I think Phil is at my door,” he whispered into the device, unsure of how to proceed. “What are you doing still on the phone then?! Go talk to him!” she insisted in a high-pitched voice and had hung up on him before he could even react.

 “Dan! I know you’re there! Open the goddamn door!” the voice shouted again and there was more knocking. For a second he looked between his phone and the door, unsure of what to do, but then he got up and made his way inside of the room. Jennah followed him cautiously, but he stopped by the bed. “Can you stay here for me, love?” he asked her, pointing to the ground she stood on, and she sat down reluctantly, throwing him a look that was clearly not amused and slightly worried. “I’ll be fine,” he whispered and moved forward. He turned on the soft light on the headboard of the bed through the switch by the door before he opened.

 In front of it stood Phil, hair ruffled, cheeks reddened, if from the shouting or the obvious tears, Dan couldn’t be sure. He marched into the room, brushing past Dan as if he hadn’t even seen him, but stopped dead in his tracks when he spotted the dog still patiently sitting next to the bed.

 It was silent for a while after Dan had shut the door. Phil stared at his dog as she stared right back, silently estimating each other, and Dan stood slightly to the side, gaze switching between them like he was watching a tennis match.

 “Come here, girl. It’s okay,” he said after a while in the direction of his dog, who stood up silently and made her way over to them. She let Dan stroke her fur before she bravely marched forward, right up to Phil. Dan held his breath as he watched her generously accepting Phil’s outstretched hand, letting him pet her.

 “Phil, meet Jennah,” he introduced them, and Phil, who had crouched down to be on eyelevel with his dog, stopped dead in his track, head wiping up to meet Dan’s gaze for the first time since he marched through the door. His eyes were blue, so blue in the soft light and Dan’s heart constricted in his chest. He felt like drowning.

 “Jennah?” Phil whispered questioningly, eyes wide, still stroking the dog’s fur, “as in… Queen Jennah?”

 He whipped his head around, looking between Dan and his dog as he obviously made the connection. “She’s not a girl,” he stated, louder this time, “When you said your Queen you… You meant your dog?”

 Dan just nodded. He didn’t trust his voice in this moment. The weight of the situation came crashing down on him, and he felt himself swaying a bit. He moved over to the couch in the corner of the room, sinking down on it, closely followed by Phil and Jennah.

 “I thought…” Phil murmured to himself as he sat down quite close to Dan, not quite touching, but it was a close call. “You thought I was talking about my girlfriend,” Dan stated in a matter-of-fact tone as he pulled his legs up to his body, leaning against the backrest of the couch. Jennah sat right in front of it, her head cramped on the couch in the small space between his and Phil’s leg.

 “Yes,” Phil answered breathlessly, absently stroking Jennah’s fur, staring at her like he couldn’t quite believe she was real. “She likes you,” Dan declared fondly, full of affection, “She doesn’t even let Louise that close. And she usually sits her when I’m gone.”

 “Is that who you were talking to?” Phil asked softly, turning his head over to Dan now, who tensed up immediately at the question. This was it, then. They would talk about this, right now.

 His heart was beating wildly in his chest and a light feeling bubbled up in the pit of his stomach, a feeling he couldn’t quite place… Not until he recognized it as something that he had deemed impossible for a long time now. Was that... Hope?

 “Yeah,” he answered, and his voice was deep and husky and nearly broke halfway through this one single word. He was so nervous he couldn’t even hope to control his breathing and had to wrap his arms around his legs to keep his hands from shaking.

 “How much did you hear?” he whispered, stoically staring ahead, avoiding Phil’s eyes. “Pretty much everything, I think,” Phil answered and Dan’s heart almost leaped out of his chest. Oh god, what was he supposed to do?

 He started chewing on his lower lip as he took a deep, but quivering breath. “What happened back then, Dan?” Phil asked softly, body completely shifted into Dan’s direction now, one leg folded under the other to allow him to sit sideways. He was still stroking Jennah’s fur absently with one hand and the lady dog savoured it with closed eyes. Traitor.

 For a second, Dan didn’t know how to breathe. He shot a quick glance over to Phil, to his eyes, and he wasn’t sure if the look in them made it easier or harder to say what he had to say. There was something in there… Something speaking of feelings Dan had contemplated as long-lost. He shuddered.

 “I was… So happy with you that week, Phil,” Dan whispered, tears nearly choking him as they silently started rising into his eyes again. Where he even took them from anymore, he couldn’t be sure. “But when I came home I…” His throat constricted heavily and he had to suppress a retch. “My little brother sat on my bed, crying. Telling me he was sorry and that it was an accident.” His voice was unbelievably quiet now and completely breathless, and he felt Phil leaning in closer to understand what he was saying. “I had given him my old laptop before we went to the isle of man, do you remember?”

 He took the courage to look over to Phil again, who nodded. “You were so proud you made money with your music,” Phil reminisced tentatively, matching his volume to Dan’s, “So you went and bought yourself a new laptop from it.” He chuckled lowly. “You were so excited, said you’d finally be able to see me when we skyped.”

 Dan nodded back and had to close his eyes for a moment to keep the tears at bay. “I had forgotten to delete the old pictures still on there. Or maybe I just didn’t do it, I can’t even remember. Adrian knew and I didn’t-” A choking sound escaped his throat before he was able to continue. “I didn’t think it would matter,” he closed breathlessly, so quiet the blood pounding in his ears drowned out his own voice.

 It was at this moment Phil obviously made the connection. He shot up from his hunched-over sitting and stared at Dan, wide-eyed. “Your father saw the pictures?” he asked and Dan could see the shock in his eyes.

 “He barged in on Adrian as he looked through them,” Dan confirmed, his voice back to a slightly louder volume. He shook his head. “He was so shocked, Phil. Full of guilt.”

 Phil sucked in a sharp breath. “What did your father do?”, he asked, tears clogging up his throat on their way up. Dan could feel his eyes on him as he moved to burrow his face against his knees. “Oh god, Dan, what did he do?” There was a panic in his voice now and Dan failed to keep the next sob from breaking out.

 He raised his head, tears stinging in his eyes as he looked over to Phil. “He blackmailed me, Phil. My own father. He told me... “ His voice broke and Jennah whimpered from her place on the ground, sensing his pain. “He told me he’d out you in public if I wouldn’t cut all ties to you.” He was full-on crying now and before he knew it, Phil was suddenly there, taking him into his arms, gently stroking his back. Jennah nuzzled his thigh and he moved one hand to gently caress her head.

 “I’m so, so sorry Phil,” he squeezed out in between sobs, burying his head in the crock of Phil’s neck. “I was so scared he would destroy your career. He would have found out when I would have tried talking to you in secret and I just... I couldn’t let him do that to you. I loved you so much.”

 For some time he just sat there, crying as Phil held him in his arms, mumbling soothing words and gently rubbing his back.

 It was Phil who eventually broke the silence, long after his cries and broken sobs had rung out. “Out there on the balcony, when you talked to Louise, you said…” He let his voice fade out and Dan could feel him swallowing heavily. “You corrected yourself. You said…”

 Dan knew what he wanted to say. “I said I still love you.”

 He felt Phil nodding, felt his hand tremble as it rubbed circles into his back. He uprighted himself, staring straight into Phil’s blue eyes.

 I was now or never.

 “It’s true, Phil,” he whispered, voice hoarse as he stared. “I love you. I never stopped. It’s been six years and I just...” He let his head hanging down, closing his eyes. “I could never forget you. You were always there. I couldn’t even watch you on TV without breaking into tears because of how much I missed you.”

 Suddenly, there was a hand on his cheek and he opened his eyes, wordlessly staring into Phil’s. The blue was shining brightly and there was a smile on his face, so wide Dan was sure it hurt. “I love you too, Dan,” he said, his voice full of joy and happiness - and love. “I love you too, oh my god, I never stopped. I wanted to, so badly, but I couldn’t.”

 There was a moment of silent communication, of Phil asking for permission and Dan granting it, and then they moved forward in utter synchronicity until their lips met in the middle in a kiss so sweet it would put every candyfloss to shame. Somewhere in the room the needle of the wall clock ticked half past seven.

 When they broke the kiss to come up for air it was quiet for a moment as they looked into each other’s eyes, and then they were crying; crying and laughing and reveling in happiness, Jennah cheerfully barking back at them.

 “Can you… Will you give us a second chance?” Dan asked when they both had calmed down considerably, holding Phil’s hands in his, thumbs moving over the smooth skin on their backs; still unbelieving of the fact that he was allowed to feel it again.

 There were tears in his eyes as Phil looked at Dan, silently, and then he was laughing as the tears started falling. “Of course. Of course, Dan, of course. I would like nothing more than to be with you again.”

 This time, the kiss was a bit less sweet, a bit more heated, and it lasted a lot longer - at least until Jennah, obviously dissatisfied of being left out, was suddenly there, running her tongue across both of their faces.

 “Jennah!”, they both screeched in unison, laughing at the Shiba and Akita Inu Mix, who had her forelegs on the sofa to reach their faces, her tail energetically wagging around as she whoof-ed at them happily.

 They all slept in Dan’s bed that night, closely cuddled together, Dan with his head on Phil’s chest with Jennah somewhere in between.

 Four weeks later when, in the middle of a show, Dan heard about the fact that both him and Phil had been nominated for the german filmfest Berlinale, indicating that they were strong contestants for the upcoming Oscar-Nominations, he didn’t even hesitate. He ran right on stage after Phil’s dance, catching him in a bone-crushing hug. He told Phil what he had heard, tears of happiness in his eyes. Again, there was some sort of silent communication and then Phil was kissing Dan, right in the middle of the dance floor, in front of millions of viewers.

 They didn’t care they all knew - all that mattered was the happiness radiating between them.

#phan #phanfiction #dnp #phanfic au #my writing

[superprincesspea]

Knock, Chapter 15

You’d been waiting for this moment but that didn’t mean you were prepared for it.

Simon/You

Warnings: Birth/Labour

Chapter 1    Chapter 2    Chapter 3    Chapter 4    Chapter 5  

Chapter 6    Chapter 7    Chapter 8    Chapter 9    Chapter 10

Chapter 11   Chapter 12   Chapter 13  Chapter 14

So, I accidentally deleted this chapter. This is just me reposting it. Nothing has changed! <3 

It had only been a couple of hours since you’d told Simon that you wanted to leave the Sanctuary and as the evening had deepened into night neither of you had mentioned it again.

Now you were climbing into bed and adjusting a hundred different pillows in an effort to make yourself comfortable while Simon relaxed on his back, carefree and unweighted by pregnancy. You envied him of that. Of all the things your body had craved since you’d beome pregnant you think you craved lying comfortably the most. Sleep was almost impossible at this point and you supposed it wouldn’t get any better once the baby had arrived.

As you reach to switch off the lamp a lazy tightening of pressure rolls across your stomach before wrapping around your back and fading away. You’re so used to the aches and cramps of being heavily pregnant that you barely register the pain and if you did, you wouldn’t think anything of it.

When the second pain arrives you’re lying down, your eyes firmly shut, leaving nothing to distract you from the pressure as it builds and recedes.

By the third your heart begins to race while two words scream across your subconscious like a battle cry. IT’S TIME, IT’S TIME!

Still, despite the alarm sounding in your head you remain paralysed, barely breathing as you wait to see if it happens again.

Part of you, and maybe it’s wishful thinking, has decided that this is a false alarm and you’ll be waking up in the morning rolling your eyes. But deep down, the other part of you, knows this is it. Ready or not, and right now you’re leaning towards not. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t want a few more weeks but you suppose that doesn’t matter now.   

You lie there for what feels like hours, although time has a strange way of moving in the dark. All you can be sure of is that Simon is one hell of a snorer when he sleeps on his back and by the time you decide to wake him, your contractions are starting to catch up with the rhythm of his snorting.

You flick on your bedside lamp but he remains undisturbed leaving you to envy his peacefulness and almost feel bad at the prospect of waking him. Almost. Afterall, you’re the one doing all the hard word. All he has to do is watch.

“I think this is it,” you say and he grumbles something, his lips slapping together before he rolls away.

“Simon,” you nudge him, your voice a little louder and this seems to get his attention. He rolls back to face you, heavy lids peeling open from a deep sleep.

“It’s happening,” you repeat before heaving yourself from the bed and bracing your hands on the headboard as yet another contraction snakes across your belly.

The pain has already started to become less bearable and you wish you could ignore the niggling voice in your head which keeps reminding you, it's only going to get worse.

At the sight of you hunched over the headboard Simon’s eyes spring fully open, realisation finally setting into his sleepyhead.

“It’s time!” he says, rolling from the bed with so much uncoordinated vigour that his legs tangle in the sheets, sending him falling to the floor but not without hitting his head on the nightstand as he goes.

You roll your eyes, deciding this was why women gave birth and not men. When he stands up, there’s blood pouring from a gash above his eyebrow but as usual he’s more worried about you.

“What should I do?” he shouts, panic making his eyes wide.

Surprisingly you feel a wave of calm. You always knew this was going to happen, you’d spent months thinking about it. Now you just had to do it. In a way it would be a relief to have it over with. Just one contraction at a time, you remind yourself and when another rolls across your stomach you shut your eyes, floating in some far off place until you can open them again.

“Your head,” you say to Simon, who’s standing uselessly by the bed and somehow hasn’t even seemed to notice the blood he’s dripping onto the sheets.

You motion for him to follow you to the kitchenette where you find a clean towel to stem the bleeding.

“I should be taking care of you,” he grumbles when you push him into a chair and press the towel to his head.

“You do… usually.”

“If I could take some of the pain I would,” he tells you before taking your hand and brushing a kiss against your knuckles. It seems like such a cheesy thing for a man to say but with Simon you know he means it.

Still, you can’t help but tease him a little anyway. “You couldn’t even get out of the bed without cracking your head open.”

Simon chuckles, taking the towel from you hand and holding it for himself. “Then tell me what to do. You’re the boss.”

You know your labour could last for hours, maybe even days but you’re clinging onto hope that things are progressing quickly. “Wake Doctor Carson. I’ll feel better once I’ve been looked at.”

“Are you sure you’ll be okay on your own for a few minutes?” Simon asks, his eyes skirting over the room like it's suddenly a death trap.

“It's either that or you deliver the baby…” you point out and his face blanches.

“I’ll be back,” he says, leaving the door wide open as he runs down the hall wearing nothing but his briefs and a bloodied towel.

You want to laugh but another contraction arrives and stupidly you regret letting Simon leave you here even if its only for a few minutes.

///

Now its several hours later. Simon’s head has three fresh stitches and the Sanctuary is awake, everyone waiting on the news of your baby’s arrival. Although it's starting to feel like it might never be over.

Simon and Carson haven’t left your side, both of them patiently watching as you pace the hallway like a wounded animal. The endless motion had been helping you, giving you something to focus on but it’s not enough anymore.

The pain is now beyond unbearable and the time between contractions has dwindled to nothing more than a heartbeat. When they come now you feel like you’re being slowly ripped apart and it might sound dramatic but you want to die. Dying would be far easier and a sweet release from the endless torture of labour .

“I can’t take it anymore!” you screech, slowly edging to your room and feeling a gush of warmth as your waters finally give way, adding an extra level of discomfort to the situation.

“You can do!” Simon encourages, taking your hand to help you walk.

Usually you relish his touch and the way his long fingers completely encompass yours but not right now. Today you want to ball your fist, rear it back and punch him directly in the face. If only he could feel a small part of what you’re feeling, he wouldn’t be so optimistic.  

“I hate you,” you hiss, snatching your hand from his before kneeling besides the bed and hunching over the mattress.

Simon isn’t fazed by your outburst. He quietly takes a kneel besides you, one hand kneading pressure on your lower back, the other scraping the matted hair from your brow.

“I love you,” he whispers but his words are lost as you begin to make a noise that resembles a cow being dragged to the slaughter.

“I think it might be time to push,” Carson says and you don’t care if he’s got his head where the sun doesn’t shine. You don’t care about anything but getting the baby out of you.

You follow his instructions, pushing hard and long with every contraction. You push until your hands have nearly torn the sheets apart and your head is dripping with sweat. You’re never truly knew what it meant to feel exhausted until right now. It’s like you’ve been running a marathon and now you’re being asked to climb a mountain.

You can’t see the worry on Carson’s face but you can hear it in his voice. “We might have to try another position,” he says and you sob, feeling defeated.

“If you have to choose, I want you to choose the baby,” you whimper, licking your lips for moisture.

Simon’s face looks even whiter than it did when you went into labour. “Don’t say that. Don’t even think like that.”

You can’t help it, you don’t even have the strength to stand and you’re like a rag doll as Simon and Carson hook their hands under your arms and pull you onto the bed.

When you’d pictured your labour, you’d imagined one bead of sweat dripping a pristine path down your forehead, followed by one long hollywood push as your baby came bounding into the world. The reality is so far removed that you wonder why any woman would do it twice and for the first time in a long time you want your mum.

“I think we’re gonna need to use forceps,” Carson says as gently as he can and truthfully the idea of forceps had scared the crap out of you before but the pain has made you fearless.

“Just do whatever it takes,” you shout through gritted teeth and what happens next is a steam of events you’d rather not endure with your eyes open, so you close them, praying for an outer body experience.

“Push,” Carson says and you pull strength from a well you didn’t know existed, bearing down and pushing so hard you feel your head might burst.

“Keep going!” Carson commands and you scream like you’re being murdered, determination aiding your struggle, your hands biting into your thighs.

Then, suddenly, in the passing of a single moment, it’s over with.

A newborn cry fills the room, echoing down the hallway to wash away your screams. The relief is immediate, the euphoria greater than anything you’ve ever experienced.

“It’s a girl!” Someone shouts but you’re lost to exhaustion, your head falling back into the pillows.

Somewhere in the background you’re vaguely aware of Simon cutting the cord and Carson rubbing the baby with a towel, all of them quietly congratulating each other. But the reward is yours and you’re overcome with a indescribably sense of pride. You did it. She’s here and you did it.

“She’s beautiful,” Simon whispers as he places a bundle of towel and baby on your chest.

Your shaky hands cradle her, your weary eyes desperate for that first precious glance. Her face his scrunched up, her tongue rooting for milk and even though she’s looking more like an alien than a baby she seems so familiar to you. When her eyes slowly blink open they remind you of Simon, the soft downy hair on her head is the same shade as yours and there’s something about her chubby cheeks that makes you think of your Grandfather.

“Hello,” you say, letting her tiny fingers wrap around yours and feeling your heart swell with love.

“I’m so proud of you,” Simon says and when you look at him he’s got a dopey smile plastered across his face even if he is still a little pale, still a little shell shocked. You guess he’s wearing the exact same expression you are right now.

You might have carried her for nine months and spent an entire day in labour but somehow you can’t quite believe she’s here. And she’s yours. Ten fingers, ten toes, perfect.

Most women would be thinking about dressing their baby in its first outfit, finally settling on a name and showing them off but you’re thinking about the conversation you had with Simon before she arrived.

You feel overwhelmed with responsibility to this tiny life and you’ve fought hard to bring her into the world. You’re not going to give up now. You’re not going to keep her where she isn’t safe. When you’re rested, you’re going to leave the Sanctuary. You want to take her somewhere she can be free, somewhere she can play and laugh and not worry about strangers creeping in the night.

“Let’s call her Sylvie, after my mom,” you say and Simon doesn’t protest.

He kisses the top of your head and whispers, “you’re the boss.”

You hope he means it, you hope he really will do whatever you want because if he doesn’t you’ll be leaving him too.

#Simon TWD #Simon's Thirst Squad #Simons Thirst Squad #Simon the Savior #Steven Ogg #TWD #The Walking Dead

[jksmoongf]

Baby’s Breath [pt. 1]

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader Genre: Angst /fluff (maybe smut later) Wordcount: 2k Plot:  Sometimes one reckless night is all it takes to completely turn your life upside down. But what if you can’t even trust your best friends to keep your secret?

It was a beautiful day in Seoul. Summer was still fighting hard to justify its stay during the day but fall was slowly but surely taking over in the evening hours. The leaves were starting to change color before disappearing entirely when winter would come and the air was slightly crisper than just a week ago.


Just a week ago… her life seemed perfectly normal; trying her hardest to balance work and seeing her boyfriend as much as humanly possible. Secretly dating an idol wasn’t easy but it was worth it- Jungkook was worth it. When they were together, he made her feel like anything was possible; like she was on top of the world. He introduced her to many new things and people - to a life most people could only dream of. But she knew that the bubble they were in was about burst.

She was making her way home after stopping in the local pharmacy on her way from work. The air was slightly chilly, so she tightly wrapped her boyfriends’ favorite bomber jacket around her torso. His scent still lingered on it and filled her body with comfort and warmth. Something that might be taken away from her sooner than she had ever hoped for. Her right hand carefully slid into the pocket, clutching the little box that would maybe change her life forever. Pushing all thoughts aside until she reached her apartment, was the only thing she could do; fearing that she might break down in the middle of the street. 

When she entered the building, the little old lady from the second floor was getting her mail, giving her a genuine smile. “They still haven’t fixed the elevator.”, the lady said, discontent swinging in her voice. She simply nodded, not giving the old lady a proper answer. Walking up the stairs took longer, giving her time to prolong doing the most dreadful thing she could think of. With every step her heart got heavier, it almost seemed impossible for her to keep walking. But no, she needed to be optimistic, at least for now. Nothing was set in stone, lives had not changed, everything was going to be okay. 
She locked her apartment door behind her, even closing the little chain lock as if anyone would just come barging in at any second; keeping the entire world out
Carefully she placed the little box on the wooden table, her phone - display facing down, right next to it. Before taking a seat, she grabbed a big bottle of water from the fridge, knowing all too well that her body would deny her of any bodily functions without her chugging down a large amount of fluids. The little carton box felt so light in her hands, but yet it carried so much meaning and change. How could it be that the content of this small white box would possibly determine not only her but also Jungkook’s future? She placed the plastic stick on the table, her eyes frantically scanning the instructions on the paper. 
 She shook her head, trying to clear her vision as the letters were getting blurry and melting together. With shaking hands, she unscrewed the lid of the bottle and like her life depended on it downed most of the water. 

When the time finally came, the minutes of waiting seemed to drag on forever. How could she possibly have thought that exams and presentations or that job interview were the hardest things she had done in her life when this was by far worse than any of the things she had experienced. This was pure agony and torture. She wished that Jungkook was with her, holding her hand and then laughing about how silly it had been to be scared in the first place. But he wasn’t here, he didn’t even know. Why worry him when there was nothing to be worried about, yet. 
The timer on her phone went off, ripping her from her thoughts. She tapped the display with her finger, while her other hand reached for the instructions again, making sure she had read the results part correctly. Her breathing was shallow as she turned the plastic stick around, previously avoiding looking at it to diminish any false sense of hope. The little window in the plastic revealed two lines. Her eyes widened as she held it close to her face, hoping that her eyes were just playing tricks on her. 
 Pregnant.

She read the paper over and over again, checking the stick, comparing the little pictures to the real thing in her other hand. One line - not pregnant. Two lines - pregnant. There were, against all odds, two very apparent lines. Both things she had held in her hands fell to the wooden surface. She quickly pushed the chair back and hurried into the bathroom; emptying the contents of her stomach into the toilet bowl. 
Wiping her mouth, she leaned back against the cool tiles of the wall. This wasn’t happening, the universe was playing a cruel joke on her that she was sure of. Her hand subconsciously laid on her stomach. Was there really a tiny human growing inside of her? 

 The night she spent tossing and turning, not being able to sleep. Her mind was occupied with how on earth she was going to tell Jungkook. How would he react? After all, they had only been dating for a little over a year, this was all happening too soon. But this was a secret she could not keep from him, although their entire relationship was built on secrets and hiding. She had blown him off last night after he had tried to convince her to let him sleep over after practice. He didn’t deserve the way she had spoken to him but she had feared that she would crack and completely lose it on the phone. She rolled over to check her phone. 6:37. And a text from her boyfriend; apologizing and asking if she wanted to come over after work. He was apologizing even though she snapped at him.

In the evening she headed to the dorms, after an exhausting day at work. She was thankful for the first time in life for all the traffic in Seoul. It gave her an opportunity to go through all possible scenarios in her head of how he could react. Knowing all too well that reality was never like how you pictured it in your head; she knew that there were only two realistic options. Either it turned out bad or good, and she was tightly clutching her hopes to the latter of the two. 
As the elevator was taking her up to the designated floor, she could feel her body breaking into cold sweats, her hands were shaky and her heart was pounding against her ribs. For a second she contemplated hitting the red emergency button that would stop the elevator all together, giving her more time. How long could she hide this from him? A few months until she started showing? He would never forgive her. The sound of a bell announced that she was on the right floor. The metal doors slid open, revealing Jungkook leaning against the doorframe, already waiting for her. It took all of her willpower to get her legs moving towards him. When did her life turn into a drama on tv? 
“Hey.” A smile spread across his tired face, stepping aside to let her in; quickly closing the door. He crashed his lips on hers before wrapping his arms around her. “Hey.”, she whispered, trying to hold back the tears that unexpectedly filled her eyes. “How was work? You didn’t text me on your break. Was it busy?”, he asked as she slipped out of her shoes. “Yeah sorry, I didn’t go on a break today. I had a lot of paperwork to fill out.” That was a good white lie, he’d never suspect that she had been avoiding him until now when it was inevitable. “Well, now you can relax.” He wrapped his arms around her from behind, one of his hands was resting on her stomach; making her heart sink. He wouldn’t be touching her like that if he knew. They awkwardly waddled like that to his room. “Where are the others?”, she asked, sitting down on the little couch. “In their rooms, we’re just waiting for Hoseok and Namjoon to come home and then we’ll order food. The boys want to play board games after if you’re down.” He was sat in his chair, staring at the screen of his laptop. Of course, he had been playing Overwatch but now he swung around, eyeing her but she just shrugged. “Yeah, okay.” He tilted his head to one side. “Is everything okay? You love playing games with them.”, Jungkook stated matter of factly. “Yeah, I’m just tired.” She reached out her hand and gently stroked his knee when she heard the front door shut and loud voices echoed through the apartment. “Oh, the hyungs are back.” Jungkook jumped up excitedly and grabbed her hand. “Let’s go order food, I’m starving. Do you want Korean food or pizza? Fried chicken would be good too but I really want noodles and maybe fried rice.”, he rambled on while pulling her into the living room where the others were sat waiting. They were all chatting with each other, not a care in the world. She was desperately wishing she was a part of the conversation, but her thoughts kept drifting off to the tiny, tiny baby. 
Her eyes darted to her boyfriend, who snatched the menu from Taehyung’s hand while laughing at something Jimin had said. The crinkles around his eyes, his scrunched up nose…why did she feel like she was about to make all those happy features disappear from his face? 

When the food arrived, they were all sat around the kitchen table. The boys were stuffing their faces with all the different dishes they had ordered, while she sometimes put a small piece of vegetable in her mouth, chewing on it for way too long. She just couldn’t eat, the nauseous feeling in her stomach that was spreading through her body ever since last night, made it impossible for her to keep anything down. 
 Jungkook’s big brown eyes were glued to her, noticing how little she was eating. If one could even count that as eating; she was just picking her food; moving it around the plate. He got up, walked around the table. “Can we talk for a minute?”, he asked her, to which she nodded and followed him to his room. “Y/n, what's wrong? You’re not eating.” He pulled her closer, using both of his hands to brush her hair from her face, his thumbs gently rubbing her cheeks. She leaned into his touch, closing her eyes; trying to enjoy their last moment of happiness before she destroyed it all. “Do I have to worry about you? Are you sick?” He gently pressed his lips to her forehead, then the tip of her nose before softly pecking her lips. 
She inhaled deeply, eyes still closed. “I’m not sick, Jungkook.” Her voice sounded weak like it was about break. “I’m pregnant.” 
The moment his warm, gentle hands left her face; she opened her eyes. He was frozen in shock, arms hanging down beside his body, just staring at her. His mouth was opening and then closing again without making a sound. “What?” He asked finally, hoping that she had said something else. “I’m pregnant.”   He was breathing heavily, his face was pale, eyes still wide and he looked sickly like he was about to throw up. “B-but I don’t want a baby…”

#bts #bts scenarios #bts fanfiction #bts fake texts #bts reactions #bts angst #bts smut #bts fluff #jungkook x reader #jungkook angst #jungkook smut #jungkook fluff #jungkook fanfic #bts imagines #bts reaction #bangtan sonyeondan #bangtan scenarios #bangtan angst #bangtan smut #bts drabble #jeon jungkook #bts senarios #jungkook #bts jungkook #kpop #kpop scenarios

[thissupposedcrime]

Otayuri Hanahaki AU where Otabek has it first, convinced that he can only support Yuri as his friend and that his love will be unrequited, Yurio finds out but has no clue about the disease until he looks it up. He's furious, how could anyone not want Otabek or be in love w him?? He realizes his feelings but convices himself that Otabek would be too good to be his and starts to hide it as well until one of them gets caught/near death then a confrontation and happy end no one dies lol

Sorry to take so long in responding to this anon!!! It arrived right as classes began at university. But now I know what ‘hanahaki disease’ is so that’s cool. 

I took the approach of writing the opening scene and then outlining the rest. 

Hanahaki Disease AU: Flower petals erupt from your lungs due to unrequited love and eventually kill you (I think??? Or man I got this prompt wrong)

Otabek believes in miracles at Skate America, Fall 2019. Somehow, he manages to grimace through the coughs that shake this chest, the petals trying to leak past the press of his lips as the final notes of his flawed short program fade. 

He barely escapes from the kiss and cry before he suffocates, pacing into a bathroom in the halls of the arena as forget-me-nots flow out of his mouth. The attacks have increased in frequency the past four months, but damn it, never during competition and only very rarely during practice.

“The fuck is that? Did your costume rip?” A puzzled, familiar voice calls out from the doorway, noticing the clump of blue clenched in Otabek’s hand. 

“It’s nothing Yuri,” he replies briskly, throat parched. Otabek throws the flowers away into the trashcan and tries to move away, but more flower petals expel themselves from his lungs. 

“The fuck Otabek!” Yuri’s hands are on his shoulders, trying to tug Otabek forward to face him.

“Don’t worry. This is under control.”

“Are you dying?” Yuri seems distressed, and Otabek smiles around petals sticking to his teeth. He raises a hand to Yuri’s brow and presses, attempting to smooth the frown lines away.  

“No. Nothing like that, I promise,” he soothes, a quiet murmur into the short space between them. Yuri head tilts forward, nose gently pressing against Otabek’s collarbone as he exhales.

“You were spitting out flowers. Is that why your skate turned to shit near the end?” 

“It set off a bad cough, but I’m fine. Remember this concern when I win gold, okay?” 

False bravado has never been Otabek’s strong suit (his touch downs cratered his score), and it shows, as Yuri shoves him away with a scowl, eyes darting across his body. 

“Asshole,” he curses, and Otabek blinks, stunned by Yuri’s vicious tone. 

“Yura.”

“Shut up. I’ll find out what’s going out on my own.” Hands slam down on Otabek’s shoulders, forcing him to sit on the ground. Stunned, he goes down with ease. Stands of Yuri’s hair, a force of nature independent on his best friend, whip against his face as Yuri leaves in a flurry of annoyed, jerky movements. 

A minute later, he returns, throwing a water bottle a foot away from Otabek’s head and shoving Otabek’s coach into the room. He offers a parting glower, fingers already tapping at his phone as he stalks out, this time for good. 

All things considered, that could have gone much worse. 

Angry tornado of apocalyptic rage arrives at Otabek’s hotel room after dinner.

Years later Otabek argues this was where he feared for his life, not the side effects of his disease

Yuri is offended at how many people nod with understanding at this statement

Yuri rages, he throws things, he hit up the hotel printer for medical statistics

Did he spend half an hour screaming into a pillow because Otabek is in love with someone and he had no warning? No knowledge of this fact?

In a dark moment, he googles hit men, Milwaukee, but calms down. 

Otabek suffers in silence during this entire rant (it was timed at over 20 minutes long, Yuri just screaming at him)

Eventually Yuri asks who??? Seriously? Who the fuck wouldn’t date Otabek Altin?

Fuck them. Fuck them so hard.

Literally Yuri calls them undeserving bastard the entire speech

Supportive BFF Yuri is ignoring the weird thing his own chest is doing to focus on the mission at hand: his perfect BFF is heartbroken and oddly accepting of it

Otabek refuses to explain more about the person, just that they met long ago but it never worked out

We as readers take a moment to appreciate the bitter irony that I gave Otabek forget-me-nots cause ha, Yuri forgot him (my bad)

Eventually, Otabek convinces Yuri to calm down until the competition ends and then, in true “This plan of attack isn’t working. I need to find a different path” Otabek fashion, he ditches as soon as his exhibition skate is done for Almaty. 

Cue a nice, long section exploring when this disease originated in Otabek, his coping mechanisms, eventual acceptance of his diagnosis as a death sentence because he can’t actually force Yuri to love him back

And Yuri would try.

And, in Otabek’s eyes, Yuri would fail because Otabek will never believe it was because he loved and chose Otabek but because of the disease.

I’m oddly proud of this rationale.

Otabek believes in dreaming, accomplishing goals but he’s an introvert and a deep thinker. His curse is that he’ll never believe Yuri will return his feelings if he tells him, so nothing will change

Damn now I want to write that AU and the angst.

Yuri is pissed. The flames of hell are likely cooler than his temper. The voice mails he leaves in Otabek’s inbox are among the most vile he’s ever said

No one who overhears him screaming at the rink think he’s calling Otabek because he never does this with Otabek

Imagine half the group thinking he’s calling Victor and Victor just arriving happy and wrapped around Yuuri, clearly not the source 

Eventually he and Otabek have a conversation where Otabek basically lays out that he’s dying and Yuri needs to accept how he wants to handle his final years

Oh Otabek, my beloved optimistic angel. You got months babe. 

A week after Skate America, he wakes up with a weird ass flower on his pillow

Its Zinnia (thoughts of absent friends)

My flower meanings should literally tell you why no one ever asked me for this type of prompt before. 

“Eh, my cat must have gotten into something weird”

Insert: A lot of desperate pretending that everything is okay

Refuses to tell Otabek because it would upset him

Tiny petty part of his heart screaming out that Otabek sure as hell doesn’t want to talk to him, nah man. 

Completely ignorant of his own feelings, despite his subtlety being the emotional equivalent on a giant neon sign

Otabek withdraws from the Grand Prix, clearly unable to do such physical efforts without exacerbating his condition or showing the world that he be dying

His flowers have since become White Clover (think of me)

Again, I am so cute.

Yuri freaks, obviously. Dedicates his skate to Otabek

Unknown to Yuri, Otabek’s flowers change yet again to Angelica (Inspiration)

No one around them seems to pick up on their mutual pining

How??? 

Yuri trounces the competition at the Grand Prix.

Ugly crying in his hotel room, talking to Otabek on the phone as the final day ends.

Wakes up the next morning to carnations (alas for my poor heart) stuck to the roof of his mouth 

Yuri too is fucked. 

Unlike Otabek, who suffers in silence, YURI ISN’T HAVING THAT

MORE IMPORTANTLY, YURI (AND HIS MAD GOOGLING SKILLS) OF FLOWER MEANINGS HIT HIM WITH THE CLUE BAT: He’s pining for Otabek

Luckily for them both, Yuri’s like, nah, we’re not dying.

Internally: If I make Otabek love me, he lives. 

Win Win.

Imagine Yuri impulsively leaving the hotel in the middle of the night to begin a series of flights that deliver him to Almaty 

He has not told Yakov or Victor he’s peacing out to a different country on a different flight

“Eh, see you in Russia”

Here’s your expected comedy I guess???

Arrives at Otabek’s door and jumps him

Doesn’t even start a conversation

Honestly very effective cause Otabek sure as hell didn’t tell him and Yuri isn’t emotionally bright

This means Otabek understands and hey, btw I love you too

Final with super fluffy scene where Yuri buys bulk bouquets of every flower Otabek ever dealt with and BURNS THEM 

This is how he announces their relationship to the world

Hope this is kind of what you wanted anon! And that this isn’t another batcat!au issue where I misread the prompt. Sorry I didn’t make it a full story but I’ll try to return to it once ‘soldier boy’ finishes.

Keep sending me prompts if you want though?

#answering anon #anon #my writing #otayuri #i'm getting better at quick writing opening scenes #maybe i can finish this for otayuri week #(me at me: you know damn well you won't have soldier boy finished then)

[2wnikiangel]

Ask game

Rules: answer 21 questions and tag 21 people. Because I always feel I little bit nervous, when I need to tag people I like or follow, I would like to see answers of everyone who found this game interesting!

Tagged by @kasielartist. If you don’t know her, just go to check her awesome arts. She’s very talented and I think we will hear about her more in the future. And she’s very kind and modest. Just a precious. :)

Warning: I love writing, so everything you’ll read by me is pretty long. Not Sorry.

Nickname(s): My father started to call me “Niki” when I was 4 years old and I’m so used to it, that I practically like it more that my real name. Some of my friends likes to call me “Angel”, because I like to help people. That’s why my full nickname is Niki Angel. And yes, my older sister calls me “špunt”, that’s a czech slang for “very small person”.

Zodiac: Acording to Horoscope, I am -- creative (yes), passionate (kind of), generous (yes!), warm-hearted (yes!!), cheerful (yes!!!), humorous (trying but failing), arrogant (well, yes), stubborn (more than anyone around me), self-centered (nope), lazy (ooooh), inflexible (yes, and I hate it) -- a summer and Sun child, Leo.

Height: Something between dwarf, human and elf -- 1.55 cm.

Hogwarts house: Traits: dedication, hardworking, fairness, patience, kindness, tolerance, modesty, loyalty and produced the fewest Dark wizards of all the four Houses. Who I am? I’m Jean Valjean Hufflepuff! I remember how sad I was like a kid when everyone thinked about me like a stupid person, just because I was in the Hufflepuff. But, after some time, I wear our colors just proud as other houses. Because we have nothing to be ashamed of! Just look at the traits! That’s something what can change the world in the most positive way!

Last thing I googled: Keanu Reeves. It was because in Czech republic he isn’t so popular and everyone around tumblr and youtube are just so crazy about him that I wanted to know why. Now I know and I watched two films yesterday with him in lead role.

Fave musician(s): I FREAKING LOVE MUSIC. My taste it’s pretty diverse. I wrote only favorite of every gender of music I listen mostly everyday, because otherwise we would be there for more than a week. When you click at the name of the artist(s) you can hear my favorite song made by them.

Kpop: Ultimate favorite is “TVXQ”. It was my first Kpop band back in 2007, when I started to listening Kpop. Then I love “VIXX” (+ “Leo” / “Ravi” / “LR)”, “4Minute” (+ “HyunA” / “TripleH” / “Troublemaker”) and “KARD”. Others I like to listen everyday:

Girlband: “2NE1″ (+ “CL”), “AOA” (+ “Jimin”), “BLACKPINK”, “Brown Eyed Girls” (+ “GaIn”), “CLC”, “EXID”, “Girl’s Day”, “Girl’s Generation” (+ “Taeyeon”), “Miss A”, “Red Velvet”, “Secret” (+ “Hyoseong” / “Jieun”), “SISTAR” (+ “Hyolyn”), “Stellar”, “T-ARA”

Boyband: “100%”, “B.A.P” (+ “Yongguk & Zelo”), “B1A4″, “BEAST”, “Big Bang” (+ “G-dragon”), “Block B”, “BTOB”, “BTS” (+ “Rapmoster” / “Agust D”), “EXO”, “GOT7″, “iKON”, “INFINITE”, “JJCC”, “MBLAQ”, “MONSTA X”, “Nu’est”, “SHINee”, “SS501″, “Super Junior”, “U-Kiss”

Solo: “Ailee”, “BoA”, “DEAN”, “HOLAND”, “Hyoshin”, “Jessi”, “Sunmi”, “YEZI”

Rock / Alternative: Tie between “Panic! At the Disco” and “The Score”. Their music helped me on every exam on university and inspireted one of my biggest Les Mis fanfic project (I think it will be done next spring). Others: “8 graves”, “30 Second to the Mars”, “Billie Eilish”, “Against The Current”, “Coldplay”, “Disturbed”, “Evanescence”, “Fall Out Boy”, “Five Finger Death Punch”, “Get Scared”, “grandson”, “Hurts”, “Imagine Dragons”, “Linkin Park”, “MISSIO”, “Nine Inch Nails”, “One Republic”, “Set It Off”, “SIAMÉS”, “Starset”, “The Cab”, “Thousand Foot Krutch”, “The Neighbourhood”, “Twenty One Pilots“, “Digital Daggers”

Classic: Favorite is our composer “Bedřich Smetana” His Moldau is still one of my favorite piece of work. Then “Beethoven”, “Mozart”, “Vivaldi” and “Wagner”.

Cover: Because this talented people matters too! “Chase Holfelder”, “Nick Pitera”, “Peter Hollens” and “ZEK”.

And many, many, MANY soundtracks and instrumental music for games, films, series, original works, etc.

Following: Les Misérables and Ao no exorcist artists, writers and fans. Some psychology blogs too.

Followers: 10! And I really appreciate it. I’m still new to tumblr, not so active and my fanfiction writing is still on start. Hope, maybe after some years, I will have more thank to my works.

Song stuck in your head: “Imagine Dragons songs battle - Peter Hollens vs. Chase Holfelder”.

Amount of sleep: 2-4 hours per day. I’m so used to live under pressure, stress and lack of sleep, that’s is weird to sleep more than 4 hours. That sometimes happens on holidays, 1-2 times in year. And I seriously don’t remember how much sleep I’m getting. Maybe 8 or 9. Irony -- I love sleeping, but we have some love-hate relationship.

Lucky number: 13. Stuck with me from my middle school years.

Do you get asks: Actually - no. And I need you to know, that I’m absolutely okay with them. So if you want to ask something or just chat or you have problem and want to help, just messege me. I’m open to everyone.

What are you wearing: Red summer dress. (And, yes, I’m not one of the fashionable person you want to know.)

Dream job: Soldier! But... Well, I’m too small and not 100 % healthy so I must give up this dream when I was 14 years old and my doctor told me that I will never be a soldier. It was pretty hard for me back then, but I decided to work for police in Special Victims Unit with focus on sexual abuse on children. I’m slowly getting there thank to studying and hard work!

Instrument(s): I played piano profesionally for 10 years. I stopped after some time on highschool because I could no longer attend courses in my town. I can still play it, but don’t have piano or keyboard at home, so I sometimes play on train stations just for the nostalgy. BUT! I want to buy my favorite piano for 30. birthday. Hope I will save the money, I have 7 years for it. OH, and I can play some songs on quitar.

Language(s): Motherlanguage is czech, so is absolutely normal for me to understand slovak. I speak english, even thoughs I have C1 certificate, I’m nervous and can’t speak or write without shaking, sweating and making stupid mistakes. I learned german on middle and high school, but can’t say a shit practically anything in this freaking language. When someone ask me something in croatian, polish or russian, I mostly understand but I blame it on Slavic roots. And I’m learning french for 6 months now, because I always wanted to speak and understand this language.

Fav song(s): “Hurricane by 30 Second to the Mars”! Mentioned already in the “Favorite musician(s)” ask.

Aesthetic: piano sheets, coffee, blue color, literature, music, theather, optimistic thoughts, deep thoughts, dogs, family, friends, love... <3

Random fact(s): My lucky number is 13, so 13 random facts about me!

MY FAVORITE book is “The Picture of Dorian Gray”; musical is “The Phantom of the Opera”; anime is “Yu Yu Hakusho”; manga is “Ao no Exorcist”; film is “The Shawshank Redemption"; series is “Game of Thrones” but not the season 8; band is “TVXQ”; color is blue in any shade; season is autumn; dogbreed is “Czechoslovakian woldog” and icecream with flavour of citrone or pistachio.

My biggest dream it’s make everyone on this world happy, satisfied, loved and accepted.

I’m coffe AND tea person. I can’t choose what I love more!

I love cleaning the house while listening (and stupidly dancing and falsely singing) to music.

My life motto? “Freedom. Beauty. Truth. Love.” Bohemian all the way!

I’m pretty shy and don’t talk much at first. I like to be around people, don’t get me wrong, but mostly I’m a listener. That’s maybe why I love writing so much.

I already know what song will play at my funeral! It’s “Lacrimosa from Requiem by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart”.

I’m romantic! If you’re my parnert just prepare to be woke up with your favorite breakfast, we will watch your favorite series and talk about it all the time, I will plan our vacation just to make sure it will be unforgettable for you, I will buy your favorite perfume, I will DIY presents for you, I will respect and love you with all my heart, I will praise your work, I will learn about your hobbies and support them... Yeah, my friends call it’s “annoyingly submissive” but who cares? That’s just me.

Even thought what I wrote here (^8.) - I fall in love only one time in my whole life. It was 2 months after my 18. birthday. He was tall, black-haired cishet man, witty, inteligent, humourus, gently, ironic, sarcastic and beautiful human being. And he’s my boyfriend for 5 years now and we have awesome 1 year old daugher. 

I studied law and public administration in highschool and criminology on university. In Semptember this year (2019) I’ll start my master’s degree for public safety and 2 years long psychology practice. After this I’ll go to work and start my distance learning of psychology (A/N: 3 years for bachelor + 2 years for master + 4 years for doctor + 2 years of another practive - then exams and only AFTER ALL OF THIS you can become a psychiatrics with your own office! That’s why I wanted start studying this subject AFTER my police graduation).

I have emepthophobia - abnormal and very strong fear of throwing up. This is why I eat only things I know for long time (no raw meat, no sushi, no experimental cusaine); I don’t like eating at restaurants (I’m afraid that some guest can get nauseated and start throwing up); I don’t go to amusent parks and never was (and I'll never be!) on their attractions; I am abstinent (Don’t try to force, seriously); I don’t like to be around drunk people; I hate hospitals and doctors (even thought a deeply respect them, but try to get the tube into my mouth ONE MORE TIME AND WILL DESTROY ALL YOUR BLOODLINE) and I HATE films when they put throwing up like “comedic” aspect (mostly American comedies. That’s why I don’t watch them.). Actually, just writing it down makes me anxious because I imagine all the things I’m writing and it’s horrible... (I needed to stop writing, calm myself for like half a hour and even after this I didn’t wrote everything that I hate about this phobia).

I’m demisexual but still don’t see myself as a part of the LGBT+ comunity. Maybe because when I come out some friends of the comunity (namely gay, lesbian a trans female lesbian) they say that “demisexuality is nothing compare their fight for rights” and it’s “just another heterosexual made-up thing for which don’t want sex or want to judge others who love sex with no relationships including”. That’s why, when someone ask me why I support LGBT+ so much and have so many friends of them, I’m saying that I am a “Straight Ally”. Even though I know it’s not all the true (because I don’t identify myself like heterosexual at all), I just don’t fell I need to explain or “come out” like some others. I just live with it and I’m happy. To all demisexuals: Don’t ever think you are weird. You aren’t! You can fall in love. You can feel aroused. You can have fuctional relationship with no sex or sex including. You don’t need to have anyone to be happy. Just like have a family, child/children, husband/wife and be sometimes excited to be touched by your loved one(s). You can love or hate hugs. You can found someone attractive just INSIDE and be happy with it. Every demisexual it’s different. But still matters. Don’t ever think about to be ashemed by your sexuality. It’s your thing and NO ONE can’t say a shit about it.

Yeah, and I beat cancer when I was 17 by the way. And still not 100% healthy but living.

Thank for tagging and hope you found it interesting!

See you next time, maybe with my another Les Mis fanfiction!

#ask me #personal #me #sometimes it's good to open up #do it with the one you believe and trust #it's worth it #thank you all for reading

[datawesomenessdoe-blog]

TFtCS: The Doctor

   The captain and her cooperative stand just outside the metal opening, both bearing various cloths to protect from the heat and sand that will eventually cover them. Jessie turns his head to speak to the automaton and wizard that plan on staying behind.    “Listen, if you guys need something important, Davy and I have our communicators on hand. Just don’t go through what power they have left.”    The naive machine worryingly spoke. "So will you and Miss Davy be alright…?”    Jessie sighs in a few-second pause. “...We’ll be fine Elo, Davy and I have been through way worse.”    “Yeah! Let’s get a move on before the sun tries to cook us!” Davy smiles and holds onto the two straps from her storage bag, a big smile across her optimistic face.    Melissa smirks back, her palm taking hold of the door’s handle. “Take care you two, luckily navigation happens to be one of the few skills a pirate actually has~” The bulkhead then latches shut.    “So what direction should we head?” The co-captain would ask.    “Hmm… Well the ship’s pointing in the same direction that the suns are rising, so let’s just sorta’ wander that way!” The athletic woman’s smile runs rampant as excitement fills her mind. She grabs the other human and hoists him upon her back, tosses up a pair of binoculars, and begins to run off where she planned on heading.    “Not what I was expecting, but this could work.” The tall-faced man openly states as he looks from left to right, a smirk across his now-lensed face.    The duo had traveled for what seemed like hours, the smaller sun now overhead while the larger sat farther towards setting. Sweat poured down Davy’s panting face as her previous sprint came to slow walking. Jessie continued to search around, though his body showed mass amounts of uncomfort as well.    “You wanna take a break…?” He asked through heavy breathing.    “That would be nice…”    The short man carelessly flopped off Davy’s back and onto the sand, though before he spoke another line, the youthful captain had already tossed herself onto the ground and forced herself into a deep sleep. The more mature member of their two-man team let out a sigh, not out of disappointment, but of relaxation. He opened their packs, each of which contained some basic sleeping materials and food. Jessie set up a cover above them to protect from the heat, slid a pillow under the childlike woman, then slept with his back to hers.    Davy soon made her way back into reality, her eyes slipping open and her lips smacking, only something was off. The woman tried to wiggle around her limbs, but they were stuck! Both of the humans were inside of some kind of old vehicle, though it didn’t resemble anything that the Galactic Vanguard would have made. The small room was shaped as a hexagon, only the sides were barely bent to form said shape. The floor was grate and the walls were made of some kind of dark metal. The sounds of pistons moving and mechanical legs puncturing the sand filled her ears.    The captain tried to move once more, but it was as if her limbs were somehow turned off. Jessie, however, was contained by metal wire that tied his limbs together. “JESSIE!” She would loudly whisper, though it was interrupted by a metallic clang; the sound of sand ceased, so it was most likely that they had been brought into some kind of structure. Then, they stopped. The ceiling to their transport had opened up like a flower, revealing the roof of an old factory.    Jessie woke in a similar fashion to Davy, only he softly spoke. “I think this is an old Harbinger Carryon, a cargo drone…”    The two had reached their intended destination, though the unorthodox means of doing so made their arrival bitter-sweet.        “Very good assumption, you’re a soldier I take it~?” An unknown voice entered the ears of their two captives, though the voice boomed through Davy’s mind.    The ragdolled pirate’s pupils shrunk and her eye seemed to unhealthily stretch open. She frantically spunk her head, double-taking left and right, several times over. “No-no-no-no-no.” She gasped and began to pant, her voice toned with raw fear. “Jessie-Jessie we gotta go, like NOW.” Her hyperventilating became louder.    The unknown entity had began to make its way over behind the vehicle-esque droid. “I had sent one of my drones out to search a crash site, as it was both local and recen-” The womanly figure stopped dead in her tracks as the two humans came into view. A pair of bandages gad been wrapped around her face, covering the left socket, though the exposed right one bared a glowing red iris. Her hair was a soft red, and had been tied up into a bun. Her trench-coat was old and worn, and bandages were commonly found across her limbs.    The woman smiled a large grin, even her teeth seemed to be smiling. She giggled and stepped onto the metal platform, and was heading right towards the captain. “Hehehe… Is it really who I think it is…?” The stranger crouched in front of the pirate, her soft palm gently taking hold of the helpless woman’s chin. “Could it be anyone but my lovely Davy Jones…?” The two humans began to let tears run from their single eyes.    “Hey leave her alone!” Jessie shouted, not caring that his painful bindings had left him without any defense. However, it seemed that their host merely ignored his interruption.    An anger soon began to untwirl inside the mind of the bandaged lady. “The same Davy who I thought loved me to death, just as much as I did her, then left me stranded on this planet eight years ago…?”    Jessie looked over to Davy, hoping for some kind of explanation. “You two know each other…?” He was ignored once again, the only difference this time was that Davy spoke.    “Nemesis I-”    “Shh…” Their captor placed a single finger against her old friend’s lips, then turned her head to gaze upon the frightened war veteran. “Hmm… So are you the one who took my place?” The man backed himself against the wall as a look of terror consumed his mind. “Let me guess, I’m a complete oddity to you, and you’ve only been presented with questions? Well relax; I know Jones isn’t exactly the brightest.” Nemesis let out a sigh, though, it’s intended emotion was left blurred.    A poorly-maintained machine had made its way to the Carryon’s entrance. A portion of its back had been removed, shown by the couplings along it.    “Mother, my drone has discovered the crash site.” It’s voice was deep and heavily robotic, almost glitchy.    “Elo…?” Davy managed to whimper out of confusion; the automaton did have a striking resemblance to her newly-hired acquaintance. She was met with a gasp of excitement that emerged from Nemesis. “Ahh, Observant! Show me what you’ve found!” The excited woman smiled as the repaired machine’s chest opened by the middle, revealing a large screen. On that screen was an aerial view of the crashed pirate ship that orbited the site.    Nemesis let out a chuckle, then a soft cry. Tears had began to drool down the side of her face. “...You still fly the Homebound…?” Her gaze turned to face the limp woman, making the sadness all boldly visible.    Another loud gasp had escaped from the immobile human, only now her movement had made its return. Davy tried to pop her pistol from the mechanical limb that replaced her long-lost one, though the false appendage had no compliance. A few more drones appeared, their forms thrown together from an older generation of artificial life. They grabbed and lifted Jessie up onto his feet.    “Come now Jones… We have much to discuss.”

#TFtCS #Tales From the Cosmic Sea #My Writing

[maria-carmelia]

Chasing Cloud9

A short story about an abusive family where the child discovers the sense of “liberation”.

“Come in,” she breathed as she heard the knock on the door. It was going to be her first time. They knew what was going to happen. She wanted to surpass her expectations of herself, as well as his expectations of her. She made sure she looked perfect enough for him to want what he would see. She wore a black silk lingerie to up her charm with the thought that this was how it was supposed to work. Her make-up was minimal enough for her to simply improve her facial qualities, but not enough for it to be ruined by the intimacy: a touch of red on the lips to show dominance, and a touch of blush on the cheeks to show submission. The door locks unlatched. She was ready.

Geneva grew up to believe that love would be impossible to sustain. She thought that once she had found it, it would be difficult to have its blissfulness remain. As she grew up she started to believe that love was simply an infestation of negativity and a false display of affection. Who could blame her? Her parents were living proof of it. Her father worked overseas while her mother stayed with her. She noticed how her mum gradually lost sight of why he had to go away, and began to wallow in doubts and questions: why she let him leave; why they can’t all be together; why she had to stay; and why she was stuck with her, Geneva. She not only forgot to look after her child, she also forgot of herself in the process. Geneva would at times feel she was to blame. No, she feels she is being blamed.

She walked towards the main door when she heard her mother came in. She stood a couple of meters away from her mum to keep safe and yet she could still smell the stench of alcohol. Her mum was wearing the plain grey shirt Geneva bought her for Christmas. It was tattered, and drenched in alcohol spills and vomit residue. Her hair looked like she had troubles putting it up with strands of hair still hovered over her face. Red veins coated her eyes. She was a mess. Geneva was neither angry or happy to see her. She was numb. She had gotten used to this routine that all she could bother to do is ask where her mum went to show a little less apathy, and a little more sympathy.

Her mum just stared at her with a blank face. Geneva saw how those impassive eyes displayed no sympathy, no maternal instinct. She saw how they were filled with questions, including how her daughter was able to tolerate her behaviour. But above all, she saw how her mother tried to care but couldn’t.

“It’s late. Where’d you go?” Geneva asked.

There was no answer.

“Applications for colleges are coming up. I need money so I can send my applications.”

No answer.

“Have you gotten the money from dad?”

No answer.

“Or have you already spent it all on your nightly getaways?”

Her mum loured at her, presenting a somewhat half smile before she proceeded to walk towards her room.

“I messaged dad. He said he sent the money a week ago. It should’ve arrived by now. Where is it?” Geneva stared at her mother with superiority and no pity.

“It’s gone. Or at least half of it.” Her mum tittered.

“Well how do you plan I get into a college?”

“Me? Don’t ask me. It’s you who wants to go to a fucking elite institution. You don’t need to go there. It’s useless. They just want your money. You know some people who didn’t attend college end up getting the same jobs as those who do,” Her mum tried to justify her behaviour. Although Geneva was not convinced, she thought maybe this is her mum’s way of showing remorse.

“Just get a job at McDonald’s or something. And if you really want to get loads, don’t use your brain, use your body. Where do you think I get the money when we use up all of the cash your dad sends? Maybe you can do that so you can get the money for your applications if you’re really determined.” She laughed.  

There was a moment of silence.

“Okay, maybe I will.” Geneva said.

“Just trying to lighten things up. I still haven’t paid the electricity bill, by the way. But hey, if you get lucky, hand me some of that cash, would ya?” Her mother said as she finally reached her room. She slammed the door right after her.

How could her own mother allow her to sell her body? How could her own mother not care about her future? How could a mother let herself go to waste without considering the effects it would have on her child? How could a mother put herself first before her own child? Geneva began to feel again. It was only in moments like this where she began to feel something towards her mother.  She felt pain. Betrayal. Anger. Disappointment. Confused.

She would often think to herself why she had to suffer her mum’s recklessness. Perhaps it was because despite all the turmoil that they go through, despite her pronouncing her apathy towards her mother, she still had a great deep regard for her. Perhaps Geneva still believed her mom could restore her own sanity. Or perhaps she’s just waiting for her father to come back and re-establish the family. She had questions, too – the same questions her mother had.

She was torn between the idea of idling by and hoping her father would come back soon, and the idea of her separating herself from all of them, from all of it. Geneva knew it was no longer love that she felt for her mother. Same as how she knew love was no longer the reason why her mother still stayed, towards her father or towards her. It was because she had to. She’d committed to being her guardian while her dad had to sweat for their living. It is not in every situation that commitment equates with love. But love, in all aspects, could coincide with commitment. Geneva decided to break her shackles of commitment that was tying her to her mother.

She grabbed her backpack still filled with her school materials, and tried to squeeze in as much clothes as she could. She got dressed into the nearest set of jeans and shirt she could find in her room. She then rushed over her to her mother’s room. Just as she had expected, her mother was passed out on the bed. She knew she was able to rummage through her things without waking her up. She found where her mum stored away the money and pocketed half of what was left. It was in one of her drawers, hidden among the pieces of lingerie she had bought herself during the times she was still optimistic about when her husband was flying back home. Geneva immediately recalled what her mother had told her – the motherly advice. “Why not?” she asked herself. She grabbed one and forced it into her bag. “Do it for your future,” she assured herself.

She was near the door when she looked back at her mum. She raced over to her and gently pecked her on her forehead. Her mother never looked so at ease even with her brows scrunched. “I’m sorry,” Geneva whispered in her ear. All the response she had gotten back was her mother’s heavy breathing, as usual. She took one last look at her, remembering every bit of her face – each fold of her wrinkles, each strand of hair, her smudged mascara, her chapped lips, the mole on the upper left side of her forehead. Geneva was going to miss her.

At a young age, Geneva had questioned what love was and what love was supposed to feel like. She thought love was how her dad used to tie her hair in a braid, how her mum used to pack her food for school, how they would fetch Geneva from school every afternoon and welcome her with an embrace. The common thread between them, she realised, was the happiness that she felt. She grew up noticing how that happiness slowly turned into a system of responsibilities and burdens. Love is happiness, and happiness was what was lacking at home.

Geneva exited their front door and stared at the blackness overshadowing the streets. She gazed over it as if she was trying to discern where her future would lie. She shut the door behind her and stepped towards the dimmed neighbourhood. Her questions consumed her thoughts as she immersed in silence.   She was only able to hear her strides until she heard collective laughter of grown men and women coming from a nearby bar. Maybe that is wherehappiness is, she thought.

#eng

[cargaps]

Chasing Cloud9

“Come in,” she breathed as she heard the knock on the door. It was going to be her first time. They knew what was going to happen. She wanted to surpass her expectations of herself, as well as his expectations of her. She made sure she looked perfect enough for him to want what he would see. She wore a black silk lingerie to up her charm with the thought that this was how it was supposed to work. Her make-up was minimal enough for her to simply improve her facial qualities, but not enough for it to be ruined by the intimacy: a touch of red on the lips to show dominance, and a touch of blush on the cheeks to show submission. The door locks unlatched. She was ready.

 Geneva grew up to believe that love would be impossible to sustain. She thought that once she had found it, it would be difficult to have its blissfulness remain. As she grew up she started to believe that love was simply an infestation of negativity and a false display of affection. Who could blame her? Her parents were living proof of it. Her father worked overseas while her mother stayed with her. She noticed how her mum gradually lost sight of why he had to go away, and began to wallow in doubts and questions: why she let him leave; why they can’t all be together; why she had to stay; and why she was stuck with her, Geneva. She not only forgot to look after her child, she also forgot of herself in the process. Geneva would at times feel she was to blame. No, she feels she is being blamed.

 She walked towards the main door when she heard her mother came in. She stood a couple of meters away from her mum to keep safe and yet she could still smell the stench of alcohol. Her mum was wearing the plain grey shirt Geneva bought her for Christmas. It was tattered, and drenched in alcohol spills and vomit residue. Her hair looked like she had troubles putting it up with strands of hair still hovered over her face. Red veins coated her eyes. She was a mess. Geneva was neither angry or happy to see her. She was numb. She had gotten used to this routine that all she could bother to do is ask where her mum went to show a little less apathy, and a little more sympathy.

 Her mum just stared at her with a blank face. Geneva saw how those impassive eyes displayed no sympathy, no maternal instinct. She saw how they were filled with questions, including how her daughter was able to tolerate her behaviour. But above all, she saw how her mother tried to care but couldn’t.

 “It’s late. Where’d you go?” Geneva asked.

 There was no answer.

 “Applications for colleges are coming up. I need money so I can send my applications.”

 No answer.

 “Have you gotten the money from dad?”

 No answer.

 “Or have you already spent it all on your nightly getaways?”

 Her mum loured at her, presenting a somewhat half smile before she proceeded to walk towards her room.

 “I messaged dad. He said he sent the money a week ago. It should’ve arrived by now. Where is it?” Geneva stared at her mother with superiority and no pity.

 “It’s gone. Or at least half of it.” Her mum tittered.

 “Well how do you plan I get into a college?”

 “Me? Don’t ask me. It’s you who wants to go to a fucking elite institution. You don’t need to go there. It’s useless. They just want your money. You know some people who didn’t attend college end up getting the same jobs as those who do,” Her mum tried to justify her behaviour. Although Geneva was not convinced, she thought maybe this is her mum’s way of showing remorse.

 “Just get a job at McDonald’s or something. And if you really want to get loads, don’t use your brain, use your body. Where do you think I get the money when we use up all of the cash your dad sends? Maybe you can do that so you can get the money for your applications if you’re really determined.” She laughed.  

 There was a moment of silence.

 “Okay, maybe I will.” Geneva said.

 “Just trying to lighten things up. I still haven’t paid the electricity bill, by the way. But hey, if you get lucky, hand me some of that cash, would ya?” Her mother said as she finally reached her room. She slammed the door right after her.

 How could her own mother allow her to sell her body? How could her own mother not care about her future? How could a mother let herself go to waste without considering the effects it would have on her child? How could a mother put herself first before her own child? Geneva began to feel again. It was only in moments like this where she began to feel something towards her mother.  She felt pain. Betrayal. Anger. Disappointment. Confused.

 She would often think to herself why she had to suffer her mum’s recklessness. Perhaps it was because despite all the turmoil that they go through, despite her pronouncing her apathy towards her mother, she still had a great deep regard for her. Perhaps Geneva still believed her mom could restore her own sanity. Or perhaps she’s just waiting for her father to come back and re-establish the family. She had questions, too – the same questions her mother had.

 She was torn between the idea of idling by and hoping her father would come back soon, and the idea of her separating herself from all of them, from all of it. Geneva knew it was no longer love that she felt for her mother. Same as how she knew love was no longer the reason why her mother still stayed, towards her father or towards her. It was because she had to. She’d committed to being her guardian while her dad had to sweat for their living. It is not in every situation that commitment equates with love. But love, in all aspects, could coincide with commitment. Geneva decided to break her shackles of commitment that was tying her to her mother.

 She grabbed her backpack still filled with her school materials, and tried to squeeze in as much clothes as she could. She got dressed into the nearest set of jeans and shirt she could find in her room. She then rushed over her to her mother’s room. Just as she had expected, her mother was passed out on the bed. She knew she was able to rummage through her things without waking her up. She found where her mum stored away the money and pocketed half of what was left. It was in one of her drawers, hidden among the pieces of lingerie she had bought herself during the times she was still optimistic about when her husband was flying back home. Geneva immediately recalled what her mother had told her – the motherly advice. “Why not?” she asked herself. She grabbed one and forced it into her bag. “Do it for your future,” she assured herself.

 She was near the door when she looked back at her mum. She raced over to her and gently pecked her on her forehead. Her mother never looked so at ease even with her brows scrunched. “I’m sorry,” Geneva whispered in her ear. All the response she had gotten back was her mother’s heavy breathing, as usual. She took one last look at her, remembering every bit of her face – each fold of her wrinkles, each strand of hair, her smudged mascara, her chapped lips, the mole on the upper left side of her forehead. Geneva was going to miss her.

 At a young age, Geneva had questioned what love was and what love was supposed to feel like. She thought love was how her dad used to tie her hair in a braid, how her mum used to pack her food for school, how they would fetch Geneva from school every afternoon and welcome her with an embrace. The common thread between them, she realised, was the happiness that she felt. She grew up noticing how that happiness slowly turned into a system of responsibilities and burdens. Love is happiness, and happiness was what was lacking at home.

 Geneva exited their front door and stared at the blackness overshadowing the streets. She gazed over it as if she was trying to discern where her future would lie. She shut the door behind her and stepped towards the dimmed neighbourhood. Her questions consumed her thoughts as she immersed in silence.   She was only able to hear her strides until she heard collective laughter of grown men and women coming from a nearby bar. Maybe that is where happiness is, she thought.

#kwe