#am i having a mental breakdown over someone? i do better than fictional characters

[stefisdoingthings]

are you having a bad day? just think that it would be interesting in a classic novel

#my new coping mechanism actually #like am i sad? seems inspirational #am i having a mental breakdown over someone? i do better than fictional characters #do i think i should push some of my favourite people away because they're lowkey making me feel bad? my life is so dramatic just like #a movie made in the 90s #coping mechanism #coping memes #dark academia memes #classic literature memes #poetry #poetry meme #are you having an existential crisis? sounds poetic

[theexistentiallyqueer]

It’s been a while, what with me being being more active on Twitter these days, but I had some thoughts churning around in my brain and this felt like a better place to post them rather than threading them over there.

This is a post about Persona 5 and restorative justice. Before I go any further, though, a note: this is meta about restorative justice and prison abolition as ethical philosophies only, how it can be expressed/structured in works of fiction, i.e., Persona 5 and Persona 5 Royal, and what the importance of doing so is.

I should also note that I am not a philosopher, a legal scholar, or an activist, I just like to read, and I strongly encourage you to look into the topics I’m discussing in this essay. If you want specific recommendations you can DM me; again, this being meta about a video game, I think linking those titles here would diminish their importance regarding what they’re actually about.

Ready? Okay. Let’s get started.

what is restorative justice?

‘Restorative justice’ is a concept in ethical and legal philosophy that holds itself in contrast to two other kinds of justice: punitive and carceral. Punitive justice is justice as punishment, i.e., an eye for an eye, while carceral justice involves justice as the confinement of criminal offenders. While both have heavy overlaps with one another, they’re distinct in the generality vs the specificity of their outcome: punitive justice can involve the death penalty, property seizure, permanent loss of rights, etc., carceral justice refers strictly just to the incarceration of criminal offenders in institutional facilities (jails, prisons, etc.).

Restorative justice, in contrast, roots itself in the understanding of closing a circle: the best and most holistic way to heal harm one person inflicts on another is to have the person who inflicted the harm make reparations to the person they hurt in a tangible and meaningful way. This can take many forms, and if you’re passingly familiar with restorative justice already, you may have heard about it involving the offender and the victim meeting face-to-face. This does happen sometimes. Personal acknowledgement of the harm you’ve inflicted on someone is important, and direct apologies are important, but these need to also be coupled with actions. The person behind a drunk hit-and-run of a parent could help put their orphaned child through school, or a domestic abuser could be made to take counseling and go on to help deter domestic violence in other households, and so on. 

The vast majority of states across the world use punitive/carceral models, though small-scale community trials of restorative justice have been attempted, to varying degrees of success. No one is going to argue that it would be easy to implement, but it is important. Restorative justice is about recognizing that crime, specifically crimes against other people, are fundamentally still about two people: the perpetrator and the victim. And we have to look beyond the words perpetrator and victim to recognize that they are both human beings and challenge ourselves to build a society where our concept of justice means healing hurts instead of retaliation.

It’s not easy, but it is possible. It requires changing your own perceptions of justice and humanity and society and the big wide entire world to have the kind of mindset that allows it to be possible. But it is possible, and I know that from personal experience, because it’s my own mindset and I’ve been through trauma too.

prison abolition and the god of control

Persona 5 has an authority problem. By which I mean, Persona 5 has a problem challenging authority in any way that functionally matters.

The game is drenched in heavy-handed prison imagery, from jail cells to wardens to striped jumpsuits to cuffs and chains to an electric chair. Throughout the long build-up of the main storyline we’re treated to a confectionery delight of punitive justice, stick-it-to-the-man justice: the Thieves find a bad guy who coincidentally has personally hurt or is actively hurting one of their members, and they take it upon themselves to make the bad guy miserable and then send him off to jail. By the end of the arc you’re meant to feel like you accomplished something heroic, that by locking someone up you’re balancing the scales of justice. In the Kamoshida arc Ann even frames this in restorative justice terms, telling him he doesn’t deserve the easy way out of ending his own life and needs to live with his mistakes and repent, but he’s still sent off to jail regardless and Ann and Shiho are left to struggle through the trauma he put them through without anyone to really support them. This repeats itself, over and over: Madarame, Kaneshiro, Okumura, Shido--expose the bad guy, bring him low, publicly shame him, and then send him away (or, in Okumura’s case, watch him die on live TV to riotous cheers from the public).

And what does this all accomplish, in the end? You get to the Depths of Mementos on Christmas Eve to find the souls of humanity locked away in apathy, surrendered willingly to the control of the state, and your targets right there with them, thanking you for helping them return to a place where they don’t have to think of other people as people any more than they did before. In prison, they can forget that they are human beings and that all of the rest of the people in the world are too. The Phantom Thieves march upstairs and defeat the Gnostic manifestation of social control, that being that masquerades itself with lies as the true Biblical god. And then you go back home and the adults tell you that everything is okay now, the system itself isn’t rotten, and you just have to sit back, stop actively participating in the world, and let them take the reins.

It’s one of Persona 5′s most ironic conceits. “Prison abolition....good?” the player asks, and Atlus swats you on the hand and says, “Silly kids, prison abolition completely unnecessary because you can trust the state to not fuck up anyone’s lives anymore ever.” All while using prison imagery to present prisons as institutions inherently divorced from what might constitute actual justice.

Prisons exist because hierarchies exist, and so long as hierarchies exist, inequality will exist and people will commit harm who otherwise likely would not. But you can’t have your cake and eat it too, Atlus. You can’t frame prisons as an inherently unjust institution used to control people because you didn’t do anything to get rid of the hierarchy. You just gave the hydra a few new heads.

restorative justice and rehabilitation

Rehabilitation is Persona 5′s favorite buzz word, and for all that it’s used the game never really clearly defines what it’s supposed to mean. Yaldabaoth uses it as a euphemism to describe the process by which he creates his ideal puppet, but Yaldabaoth bad, and by the end of the game, Yaldabaoth dead. We get barely any time with Igor after that for Igor to define rehabilitation properly on his terms, which is notable in that Igor is the one who’s supposed to be the spiritual mentor of the wild card within the Persona universe. 

We can only infer from that that it’s the player who’s meant to define what rehabilitation is by the end of the game, but because the game fails to take any concrete stance on its themes that could in any way undermine the idea that society isn’t functionally broken, it’s hard to figure out what conclusion we’re supposed to draw. As I stated above, the game immediately walks back any insinuations that it’s the institutions themselves that are rotten by having Sae and Sojiro step in and assume responsibility for making the world just by continuing to operate within the rules society itself has created. If you can’t beat them....join them?

If anything the closest we can get to coming up with a definitive understanding of what the game wants us to understand rehabilitation as is when the protagonist is in juvie. During those months we’re treated to an extended cutscene of all of your maxed out confidants taking action to get you out of jail, but because you can trigger this scene even if you haven’t maxed out all of your confidants, and because the outcome (getting out of juvie) is the same even if you haven’t maxed out any besides Sae, then we’re right back where we started.

But that cutscene still has a sliver of meaning to it despite it being largely window-dressing, because the game does push, over and over, the argument that it’s through your bonds with others, through building a community, that you’ll rehabilitate yourself and find true justice.

And that’s what restorative justice is about: community.

the truth: uncovering it vs deciding it

I can’t find enough words to convey how infuriating it is that Atlus comes so close to telling a restorative justice narrative and then completely drops the ball on displaying it at all in Goro’s character arc.

Goro’s concept of justice is fundamentally punitive, the textbook “you hurt me so I’m going to hurt you back.” In doing so he goes on to hurt a whole bunch of other people: orphaning Futaba, orphaning Haru, triggering a mental shutdown in Ohya’s partner Kayo, and also killing countless millions other instances of mental shutdowns, psychotic breakdowns, bribery, and scandal that caused people material harm and, in a handful of cases, killed them.

Yes, Shido gave him the gun, but Goro pulled the trigger. And in a restorative justice framework, you don’t bypass that fact: you actively interrogate it.

There’s been a lot of really great meta about what the circumstances of Goro’s life were like, including the Japanese foster care system, the social stigma of bastardy in Japan and the impact it has on an illegitimate child’s outcomes, and the ways in which Shido groomed and manipulated Goro into being the tool of violence he made him into. These things aren’t excuses for what Goro does, however: they’re explanations for it. They are the complex social issues that create a situation where a child feels his best choice, indeed maybe his only choice, is to take the gun being offered to him and use it on other people. If you want to prevent more kids from slipping through cracks into those kinds of situations, you need to understand the social ills that made those cracks appear in the first place and you need to fix them. Otherwise there will always be another kid, and another recruiter, and another bad choice, and another gun. Systemic problems require systemic solutions.

Even so, none of that bypasses the fact that it was Goro’s hand on that gun, that it was Goro who performed the physical action of killing Wakaba’s and Okumura’s shadows, and that, as a result of Goro’s direct actions, Wakaba and Okumura died. You can say Okumura deserved it all you like, but Haru doesn’t deserve to be an orphan. Haru deserved to repair her relationship with her father. Okumura deserved the chance to learn and make direct, material amends to the employees he hurt and the families of those who died on his watch, and they deserved to have him give them a better way to heal.

But this isn’t about the loss of Okumura making amends to his family or his victims: this is about Goro Akechi, and the fact that even in Royal his fraught relationship with Haru and Futaba is never explored, barely even addressed. There’s not even any personal, direct acknowledgement from him of the pain he put them through.

You can say he doesn’t care, and that’s fine that he doesn’t care. And it is. He’s a fictional character, this is a video game, they are anime characters.

But Persona 5 flirts with the idea of restorative justice and never fully explores it, and it’s a weaker game for that.

the thin place, the veil between worlds, the line in the sand

This is the last part, I promise, and I’ll be short and brief here, because the truth is that none of this matters, at least not in the way that you think. Persona 5 is a story. It’s a lie that we buy. It’s all zeroes and ones and electrical signals and optical images on a blank black screen.

But art can be powerful. Art is like magic, the deepest magic, the oldest kind. We human beings are creatures of art and poetry, of images and patterns, of music and words. Good art, really good art, can allow us to explore new ideas and critique our internal assumptions about how the world works.

No, fiction doesn’t affect reality, not the way that you think it does.

But if you’ve gotten this far, I just got you to read an essay on restorative justice and prison abolition in regards to a Japanese role-playing game, and that is something to think about.

How do you define rehabilitation? What kind of justice do you believe in? Is the way you conceive those things really the best way?

And how much more interesting could a story that challenges those concepts be?

#persona #persona 5 #persona 5 royal #goro akechi #akira kurusu #meta #words

[rpbetter]

Hey there, check out this pinned post first!

Thanks for visiting Roleplay Better, where I believe that you can fucking do better! That kind of language, however, is why it is important for you to read this post before proceeding.

This blog and its posts are meant for an adult RPing audience; be over legal, adult age in the USA, 18+. Do not interact by submitting, asking, reblogging, commenting, or liking unless you are over eighteen years of age. By interacting with RPB or me, Vespertine, you are assumed to be following this rule. If you are breaking this rule, you will be blocked.

I have that rule because this blog can/will/does address topics inappropriate for a younger audience. Those can include, but are not limited to:

not safe for work - violence, injury, sexual language, smut, substance use

“dark topics” and themes like violence, unhealthy relationships, mental illness, trauma, graphic injury, dubious consent, substance use, and so forth addressed realistically

foul, sexual, and otherwise “Adult” language

 unpopular opinions and approaches about writing, RP, fandoms

“negativity” since literally anything can be, and my whole point here isn’t about holding back; it is likely that, at some point, in some post or another, a shoe will fit you-you need to be mature enough to handle that without taking it as a personal attack on you

images and links that may contain things inappropriate for a younger audience

this blog is founded upon the idea that fiction has reflections in reality, but that fiction does not utterly equate to reality. You should write with realism, your characters should be people in their own right, and you should absolutely be addressing many popular topics responsibly, which is to say realistically. I do not support or otherwise condone purity culture, so while realism is a big deal here, fiction = reality arguments are a no

seriously, you have no idea how fucking salty I am! I try to be fair, reasonable, and mellow with everyone, but it can and does come out.

This blog tags for common, major triggers, but it is not for those easily triggered or particularly sensitive. By proceeding, you take responsibility for yourself...like a mature adult. I expect you to utilize blacklist, unfollow, and block. Tag format is simple, it is literally just the word in most cases, with “cw” and “tw” added to particularly common things. Example, a post containing a breakdown of forms of dubcon will be tagged #dubcon #dubious consent. If that was specifically of a sexual nature, since tumblr is unfriendly to using Not Safe For Work now, I will be using #notsafe for sexual topics. In the event that this needs to change, it will be posted about, the previous tag left intact, so that you may update your blacklist.

You are always welcome to send me an ask or private message requesting a particular trigger be tagged for you. I try to check blogs I see following, especially if I follow back, so that I can tag what you require. However, I’m a person, I’m an ND, ill, busy person though, I do make mistakes!

If you find yourself desirous of telling me to tag in a hateful way, don’t. You will not be responded to with an apology and kindness. Do not be rude, it’s uncalled for when informing someone of a problem or making a request.

I will run the blog largely on a queue, and will not be following many people back. This is not personal! I just like to try to provide content at many different times, have a life elsewhere, and I am so happy that you love your fandom, but it might not be something I’ve enough interest in to have on my dash.

Don’t tumblr message me. Use the inbox or submit.

Due to recent events, I am changing this rule. It’s hard for me to receive messages unexpectedly, and I hate to imply that I’ll be able to get to these quicker because it isn’t the truth. Quicker, better responses come from the inbox. However, there have been too many incidents lately in which people needed to speak privately and had to make that a request. If you’re having a problem and need to vent, request sensitive advice, etc.? It’s alright, go ahead and drop me a PM, y’all. I’ll get back to you as soon as I am able. Please, do not be angry with me if I respond to inbox things or my queue is running! You’re important to me, I just might not have the requisite social cognition and energy you deserve at that time.

Aggressive inbox messages will be responded to in kind. I don’t care if you are on anon or not, if you haven’t an ounce of polite communication skills, I won’t have them either. This is not a “we don’t publish anon hate” blog.

I highly encourage asks and submissions on any and all RP topics, and it’s perfectly alright to be salty as fuck in them, you can totally vent here, but don’t take out your frustration on me or be demanding of me. I am always happy to help with information, advice, or just a response to your venting-it’s important to know someone is listening. However, it may take me a few days to a week to get to you, be patient. 

If you are going to vent, leave out usernames. This isn’t a callout or burnbook blog. It’s fine to state characters and fandoms, but if this becomes a problem, it’ll have to change. I don’t want this becoming a salt blog for one or two fandoms I very likely can’t even stand. Practice the fine art of alluding to things, its good experience for your writing! Besides, RPC problems are RPC problems, I promise. It might feel like it’s just your fandom, but there is something relatable in all corners.

I will not overly police comments. Keep the slurs and shit out of it, though. If there is an issue going on pertaining to a serious instance of hate speech, or behavior I, personally, deem as too inappropriate and/or immature to be taking place on my post, I will step in. Otherwise, I expect everyone to be adults in the comments and reblogs too. If you want to argue with each other, that’s your business. If you want to argue with me, I’m not sorry in advance.

Addition to the above: this is not a blog in which it will be tolerated that commentators or those submitting with the URLS are targeted for callouts, shaming, or other instances of bullying. No, I cannot make those people stop bothering you by blocking them, but the least I can do is address that by shutting down their access to this blog and it’s posts by blocking on the URLs I have for them. And I will. Fuck that “we can’t be responsible for” shit. It’s my blog, it’s my content I’m putting out there, I’m not going to just ignore shit like what went down over on COAR, thanks. Not. Cool.

This is definitely not a place for:

people who think giving muses labels, including top/bottom “dynamics,” is a good substitute for character traits, personality, and development

those with no reading comprehension skills

folks dependent upon aesthetics and aesthetics-based purple prose as filler for actual writing

anti-original character/just wants to fuck a FC or canon character club, get the fuck out immediately

y’all who see writing as an obstacle to getting down to action, be that smut, drama, or fight scenes...it’s literally a writing hobby

politics, any manner of phobe or ism, violent/non-inclusive feminists, purity/rpc/fandom/content police of any manner, and exactly any manner of racism, sexism, or religious intolerance - I give not a shit if it’s popular to hate the straights, for example, I neither believe in nor tolerate reactionary classifying of any group as blanket-statement evil

people who are going to tack onto my posts shit like, “it’s okay, OP, you can say x character.” Trust me, if I were talking about one character, I fucking would name drop them, don’t bring me into your fandom drama, I doubt I know or want to know who that anime guy is who looks like 12 other anime guys to me.

About Vespertine

You can call me that, Vespertine. I’d rather you didn’t go with Vesper, but as it is unfortunately so likely to happen, I won’t feed you to the dogs over it either. RPB Mun is also acceptable.

I’m alright with either she/her or he/him, they/them is also fine. Apparently, that was big enough clue-in for the poor reading comp crowd, so while I feel it is not of importance, I’m nonbinary, yes.

Late 30′s, chronically ill but still working adult with neurodivergence. I’m both busy and Busy, and always sick. This limits my brain power and ability to be here. I have an active RP blog that I won’t be sharing to keep responsible distance. That is always going to be my priority, it is my primary hobby.

Please, don’t tumblr message me totally random things if we don’t have that kind of relationship! I’m too ill and busy, and it really fucks my nerves to have a bunch of messages/have to suddenly interact socially with people. Don’t do it. Use my inbox, use the submit, comment on posts. I cannot do random messages of “hey” and so forth.

I only do written RP, don’t expect me to understand much of anything from tabletop. I’ve RPed for the last 23 years consistently, on every platform from AOL chats to forums to messengers and here. I also don’t do RP in discord, so I’m sorry, but I can’t advise you much on anything with a word count, except to stop it for serious RP. Other than that, I promise you that I’ve seen the trends, the drama, the fandoms. I can give a lot of advice and perspective on a wide range of topics, situations, and characters! When I don’t have a clue at all, I’ll try to do enough research to give you an answer.

Do I come off as a horrible, strict asshole? I do! I’m not going to say that I am just a shy bean who is more scared of you than you are me. I’m not. I’m honestly feral, but have common decency, compassion, and sense. All of which are lacking in the general RPC. So, if you can inbox/common/otherwise interact with anyone else on this site, you can totally handle me!

Honesty and openness are policies.

And in the spirit of that, I repeat; you can fucking do better, tumblr RPC!

#pinned post #tumblr rpc #rph #rp help #rp advice #rpbetter

[obeymematches]

Hello! May I request for a matchup?

I am a bisexual, Demigirl ENFP-T personality type.

I'd say I'm somewhat independent but would love to have someone by my side to happily live with, I find trust as something that is very important and due to past reasons it can be difficult to earn my full trust. I try to always be a reasonable and mature person, but I can get irritated at a few things (like LGBTQ+ discrimination, racism or plain asshole stupidity) that can tick off a temper, but usually I'm a person of patience, though if I do get really angry then I'm gonna also end up having a mental breakdown later -. I'm fine with waiting and am usually very forgiving. Religiously I'm an atheist, technically ex-christian due to family reasons. I come from Estonia, so I'm bilingual with English and Estonian but am also learning Russian and German. (Thinking of learning Japanese one day too)

I'm a rather fidgety person, fingers always have to be doing something, I can also have rather terrible memory sometimes with things and can forget.

I have low self confidence and self worth, usually struggle to be optimistic and can be rather emotional, also often an absolute empath when it comes to fictional characters for example.

I can be a workaholic and can be terrible at taking care of myself, I easily lose track of time and can forget to eat at times, also have a fuzzy appetite so sometimes I might not want to eat anything at all. I care alot about other people's well being though, for me appearance doesn't matter, I care for the personality and think everyone is beautiful in their own way. I am a short chubby brunette with a boy haircut and brown eyes, my hair is often thick and poofy and sometimes hell to take care of, due to some health reasons I have an itchy scalp and have to often scratch my head. My fashion depends on just if the clothes are comfortable to wear in the moment, that's it. I wear glasses due to a bit of a negative in my sight.

I sometimes struggle to have a balanced sleep schedule and am often stressed.

I hold a strong love for animals and the nature around us. I especially love cats and reptiles and own a cat and a leopard gecko who I would die for.

Fiction is an important part of my life, the moment I get interested in in some show or franchise you can expect me to become an absolute nerd for it, (good example is Pokemon.) I am the type to analyze characters and really care about everything. Books, shows, movies, theatre, anything goes. I really also love music, 60% of the time you can find me listening to music somewhere, maybe even singing, I multitask alot too. My music taste depends on what connections I make to fictional media, especially that of my own, aka stories and characters I've created. My mind is always going like a 1000km/h with all types of thoughts, my own fictional universe only keeps expanding which I wish to share with the world. My dream is to become a writer one day, which I'm very passionate about, and another thing I really want to do one day is travel the world. I also do some art and animation, but intend to keep it as a hobby on the side.

I'm an ambivert, shy and hesitant around new people especially those of higher authority and importance, but incredibly outgoing with the people I'm familiar and comfortable with, never getting tired from them. Affection starved, expect lots of hugs, not that much into PDA tho. For me first impression matter, on my part, I am quick to think that people hate me or are annoyed with me.

Even with my fuzzy appetite I do like food, especially of strong flavour, I tend to seem to like asian or Italian food alot. I'd say I'm decent and cooking but not very good at baking.

Minimalistic, not very demanding when it comes to anything, it's basically like "Better than nothing." would be the type to live in a rather small house one day. Somewhat organized in my own way, sometimes I can act a little OCD though when something is out of place in a manner that it's just - no.

I can be rather talkative, when getting in a conversation with me expect to talk for hours about all types of things, wherever the conversation goes. Even better when it's over a cup of tea or a long walk somewhere outside.

I usually try to be as polite and kind as possible, though I sometimes struggle, I always try to have hope for the world, despite my incredibly pessimistic mindset.

For a partner, I look for someone I can geniuenly be happy and comfortable with, someone I can be open with and not worry about being lied to. I would be incredibly loyal to them and I'd hope them to be as well, of course, I don't get jealous or worked up if they're hanging out with friends. I want them to also be happy, someone I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with. Someone who'd be okay with traveling and seeing the world with, someone I can just have a moment to relax with, sometimes just talk and listen to eachother. Like stated before the appearance for me doesn't matter, it's the personality- what's inside that does. I shall note, the harmless teasing can get to me. Someone who's a geniuenly good person despite whatever flaws they might have.

I hope this is long enough ^^

Hi my dear patient anon! 

guess what time it is!✨

i put a read more because it’s one long post! 

OK so as I read through your request I had Levi, Belphie, Beel and Satan on my mind. Though Belphie is out of the picture fast since you have low self-esteem and if anyone then he probably would take advantage of that. Satan too I think. (I know in general he is viewed as an overall good boy but i feel like he might scare someone with low confidence levels when he is at his worst. also he can be manipulative too if there is a situation)

wait- damn- Simeon also exists (also Mammon? though with him and you it’d be a very rough start)

so after some elimination and comparison between dynamics including Simeon, Levi and Beel I decided to match you with Levi but I highly encourage befriending the other two!  ✨ Simeon because of the similar interests + excellent cooking and Beel because he is a mom-friend + you’d always have something to eat too if he is your friend! 

phew it wasn’t an easy decision but here it is! 

Okay so let’s see Levi

Okay first things first I think we need to change your level of confidence my friend. Which means starting off this relationship as friendship - honestly he is on the same page as you regarding this for similar reasons so you two can relate to the other. But once you gain a healthy amount of sense of self-worth + confidence I think this friendship could develop into a very loving and healthy relationship! 

Just because he is a demon I don’t think he would use you, lie to you, manipulate you or anything similar to that. I mean you have similar interests and in canon Levi shows just the bare minimum of interest to someone whose lifestyle + likes aren’t similar to his. Also you’re his only friend besides Henry so why would he treat you bad I mean come on!!! he’s not stupid!! 

Since your relationship is based on being friends trust will come in time, do not worry! Levi is also picky when it comes to ppl so again as you are in the same boat you understand the other deeply. 

I mean Levi can be serious when the situation calls for it but in general you being with him would give you a nice balance with your maturity. He’s not childish but he has different approaches! Meaning he could learn from you but you could also learn from him! 

Tbh i highly doubt he would ever tick you off either or purpose or not. He is mostly annoyed by stupid ppl (like Mammon) and normies but since you are also into anime you’re safe!  

You having an interest in languages is something he will find fun! if i recall in the devildom there’s only one language? (they speak human for you though) so finding out about human world lore like that through you is going to be fun! also pls learn Japanese with him! (pretty sure he already knows so he could help you practice)

Okay so he can also spiral down due to lack of self-worth + self-love but as his friend you’re not supposed to let that happen!! 

well he also tends to forget about himself but on a side note he is very caring about you and your health so he is faster at taking care of you than himself. That’s why you have to look after the other especially at first when both of your self-worth levels are so low. 

pls tell him he is beautiful he will be flustered for the rest of the day but it’s worth it trust me

he absolutely finds glasses cute af he just has to look at you and !!!  

He’s not big into fashion either, though he would love to cosplay with you so hopefully you are ok with wearing cosplay sometimes!

Also your workaholic tendencies might get to him sometimes? like i’m not saying he is lazy but for sure he could do better. Thanks to your influence he will do better! 

the two of you gushing over fictional characters is just so cute;; think about that!! 

ok he is your #1 supporter of becoming a writer!! pls let him be your beta reader aaaaa

well both of you are passionate so the emount of encouragement happening in this relationship is to die for

him being a shut-in means he’s not very big on traveling, but if he could go with you he’s quick to change his mind! 

he also has trouble balancing a healthy sleep schedule but that just means you two can spend more time together so it’s a win-win situation

pls leave your cat with Satan when you visit Levi’s room because of Henry :( your gecko is more than welcome though!!! 

okay he is also affection starved af but he would never initiate to save his life so here you being an ambivert is helpful!! also it leaves you space to tease him which is always fun! 

regarding food you have a nice balance going on, he is more of a baker and you are the opposite! though cooking/baking with the other is always fun!! when he notices your lack of eating he will make sure to order/bake delicious food from the human world for you! 

well he isn’t the messiest so hopefully your OCd wouldn’t kick in when you spend time in his room. I like to HC that he is actually very clean. If anything is out of place in his room it is because it was meant to be there. Or he was in a hurry. 

about long walks outside you’d probably have to nag him a bit but soon he will realize that it’s actually not so bad.

bby is one of the most loyal demons out there so no worries you’re safe!! however he can be jealous easily so it’s nice that you are also loyal! just make sure to clear boundaries before establishing a relationship! 

he’s not one to tease you but he is very into you teasing him, so that’s that

overall i don’t think this relationship would have huge conflicts - sure, you have to nag him about going out but he is not going to protest once he learns that it’s actually. fun. to go out sometimes. i’m more concerned about the two of you’s self-worth and confidence levels, but again it’s about what you do for growth and it’s not something that can’t be changed if you want to change it. besides these i think it’s a very healthy relationship and you both can be yourselves!  

#obey me #obey me! #obey me swd #obey me levi #obey me leviathan #om! levi #obey me matchup

[k347]

A little note for all the wonderful people who are taking a moment out of their precious time to visit this little online space I created...

(I felt the need to write this because of some 'not so great' anon asks I've been getting ever since I started here and also because I've witnessed several of both, the good and bad fandom meltdowns in these couple of years)

From My Heart To Yours-

If it isn't clear to you by the kind of things I post or if you are new to this page, let me clarify it in one single sentence. This Is A Stucky+Evanstan Blog. There will always be mostly (if not all) evanstan and stucky content posted here. If you are uncomfortable with the ship, feel free to filter the 'evanstan' / 'rpf'/ stucky tags. I completely understand why it can be bothersome, icky for people, why some of you might disapprove of it. I acknowledge, respect and understand your views, feelings and opinions, I truly do. All I am asking out of you is to not be disrespectful, dissmissive about those of mine. Please understand that you don't have to see the things/content you don't want to on your dash. The block and unfollow buttons, options for filtering tags are there for a reason. Feel free to use them if you are uncomfortable with a blog or person (including me). It'll be taking the high road and bowing out gracefully if you make a habit of using these available options instead of passing around judgements and unnecessarily cruel critisism about people whom you've never even met/ know nothing about.

Personally I adore both of these Fandom Ships. I have for a long time. But it doesn't mean I don't support you if you love/are a part of some other fandom. I don't mean to disrespect or hinder any of the other ships even if they are regarding these same characters. I try and make sure to not intrude on anyone's creative space and expect that the same attitude & decency will be returned.

This blog is my way of letting out, expressing all that love, adoration I feel. I strive to be more creative with my thoughts, my way of expression as a person with each passing day. And being a part of this fandom helps me immensely with that. I've met some amazing people online because of this. Made good friends. It is a very dear thing to me. I have talked to folks who've experienced online hate from unreasonable, anonymous sources, I've also experienced a fair share of it myself. As someone who is a psychology-enthusiast-&-student-for-life, I can assure you the (good/casual/neutral/bad/hateful) things you say to or about people leave their impacts. Not just on them, but on you too. It might seem insignificant or small, irrelevant even; but it does change the way your thoughts work in daily life. Be careful and stop before you train your mind to naturally focus more on the bad things about other people rather than the good ones. So again, I kindly request you to not be mean or hurtful to anyone you meet online (or even in real life, actually.) Offering disrespect and negativity never made anything better in the history of ever.

Lastly I would like to give my two cents about another issue (that I feel can get really toxic if we are not careful) with the fandom culture. I have made no secret of the fact that I am a fan of Sebastian Stan and Chris Evans. Yes, I have and will always post a lot of appreciation posts about them (solo and together), their works and projects, some old tbt moments. You will even find imagines, headcanons, theories, fanfics about them along with the ones about the fictional characters they have played/continue to play.

But that doesn't mean I am going to act delusionally and ignore/ unacknowledge the fact that both of them are their own person. Two actual, real human beings. I don't mean to project any of this content that I am creating on them and their lives. Making anybody uncomfortable is not my intention behind doing this, not at all. I prefer to look at it this way- "This is a world that I've created in my own mind. For fun and entertainment. Sort of like an AU. Parallel Timeline. But please understand that the stories, theories, things I'll post and write on here are pure conjecture, a lot of speculations. Hypothesis and supposition. I don't want to lose the grasp on reality and be drawned in it too much or completely, up to the point at which violation of real people's boundaries starts to become a usual routine and doesn't feel wrong."

I do not agree with the mentality of blaming, hating on people/past partners in their lives for no other apparent reason than the fact that 'they know my favs'. I completely agree that there are actions and things which people need to be held accountable for at times. Yes, you can talk about it with me but please try and remain respectful (if not that, at least be decent enough) toward all the parties involved.

Even though we as fans have invested a lot of our time, creative efforts and emotions in these two men; It does not mean they owe us, or need to explain every part of their personal/professional lives.

Please remember and don't let it be hard for you to accept the fact that these two people are not the exact fanfic versions of themselves that you read about on tumblr, they are not some experminted and perfected, flawless personalities that you've created in your own minds. It is possible for humans to mess up at times. It is only natural. Don't judge people based only on their worst mistakes, or more precisely the negative stuff you read 'online' (which 9/10 times is pure speculation and made up. fake. not facts.) Chris and Seb do not need to cater to every whim and need of the fans, they do not need to make decisions based on what people feel about them online. They can and should do whatever they want to with their lives without having to experience judgement and public scrutiny about every little step taken. Please stop putting celebrities on a pedestal and measuring them up to some impossible, unrealistic standards. If you feel too much devastation, hurt over some action of your 'fav', my advice would be to take a step back. Relax. Distance yourself from the Fandom for a bit. Do not let the 'stanning' consume you, your behaviour, rational thought process and most importantly don't let it ruin your kindness.

I love the analogy that there lives a good and a bad wolf inside every human being. Your reactions, response to things, all of it depends on which wolf you decide to feed and empower at the given moment. Choose kindness. Choose gentler responses. Choose Love over Hatred. Always.

I think the lovely @musette22 (who btw, is one of the most compassionate, talented and creative people I've met here, because of our shared love for these boys 💙) voiced this thing better than I ever could.

My apologies, if the note got too long and too deep for your liking.

I promise I am not always this boring and 'let-me-lecture-you' kind of a person 😂

On this Blog you'll also find-

A lot of silly Ramblings, Scribbles and Rants

Lot of terrible jokes and puns (you know the kind where they are so bad that they're good😅)

Fluff and smut

Q and A with the anons.

AUs

Speculations, ideas and a lot of gushing

Reblogs from all these great, talented, amazing people in the fandom

A lot of 'Marvel' things

Incorrectly placed correct quotes

Sometimes extreme use of emoticons and gifs

😂♥️😄🔥😜👻💌💦💪😇🤷

Running commentary, discussions about newly released information, keeping tracks, meltdowns, breakdowns, again rambling! , ocassional full doses of sarcasm

Sometimes going 'too much in detail' 😉

My attempts at writing stuff

A lot of content for Evanstan and Stucky

Drawing parallels, a lot of 'connecting the dots' between Chris and Seb content. Weaving the pieces of informations together.

Headcanons and stories inspired from that.

Low key, actually at times very very high key roasting of Endgame.

Lots and lots of love + appreciation showered on the movies in Captain America Triology.

Getting nostalgic and adoring the good old memories, Celebrating the present moments and Wishing for many more happy ones in the future.

All of you are very welcome here!

My ask box is always open for anyone and everyone who is interested. Send asks, questions, prompts, requests, suggetions, your ideas, theories anytime you want.

I am always up for conversations and discussions.

Lots of Love,

@k347

💙

#evanstan #keeping the evanstan feels alive♥️ #stucky #chris evans #sebastian stan #steve rogers #bucky barnes #rpf #marvel #mcu #My Blog #A note to all the visitors #k347 #anon #asks #fandoms #rules and regulations #Tumblr #Gossips #let us all be kind and civil

[tae-cup]

.hamartia. ‘Part 3,

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader (f) x Taehyung (?)

Genre: Mafia!Au, Fluff, Angst (Mostly angst oopsies) I DO NOT CONDONE BEHAVIOR DISPLAYED IN THIS, PLEASE IT’S FICTION AND DON’T DO STUPID THINGS THANK YOU

Plot: Y/N is a skilled, well, torturer, though you don’t like to call yourself that; it makes what you do too real. When mafia boss Yoongi wants information or wants a hostage to suffer, you step in. However, one fateful day you are thrown Taehyung, another person who does your line of work. You need answers, he is determined not to give them to you. That’s when you try...a different approach, and Yoongi is not pleased.

Rating: TV-MA

WARNINGS: YO IF YOU’RE NOT COOL WITH SUBTLE BI AGENDAS THEN I’M SORRY THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR YOU, Blood, torture, mafia things (ya know?), drugs alcohol, sadistic tendencies, a fundamentally flawed main character (I’m sorry i’m just writing myself pretty much), assault, harassment, stalking (not bad), romance (somehow), Maybe stockholm syndrome???

Word Count: 1.2k words I’m sorry this one is sorta short :(

A/N: I am...exhausted today. Please please be aware, this chapter has dark themes. If you are sensitive to su*cide and otherwise, this may be a little dark for you. I will mark out the scene where it’s mentioned, however. 

Other:

Masterlist 

Prologue | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Next

Avoir le mal de quelqu’qun

~(phr.)intensely missing someone so much, it literally makes you sick. 

-

-

It took two doses of the sleeping meds to put him to sleep. Taehyung was so resistant, despite you continuously proving you had good intentions over the past few days. You glared at his now unconscious body. You knew he probably couldn’t hear you, but you spoke to him all the while as you bustled around the room. 

“Ah, taehyung, it’s so good to have you here. I just know you’ll love the new room.” You mused. 

The only reason it had taken a few days for anything to physically change in his treatment, was because Yoongi refused to give him a bedroom upstairs. When you had fired back with “My job is to get information, you never said how.”, he relented. Though, he had questioned if you thought this was worth it. You could have sworn there was a hint of jealousy in his voice, but you dismissed it out of hand. Now, your eyes swept around the luxurious room. It was one of many spares, and it was right across the hall from yours. 

“I hope you like the room color.” You looked around at the dark navy blue walls. “I picked it out thinking of you.” You said, almost as if you were to be husband and wife. not captor and hostage. 

You had also spent the past few days redesigning the layout of the room. Instead of keeping him in a cage like an animal, you decided to give him a doghouse. Comfortable, but still, very much a cage. The windows were now plastic with several layers of it too. If he wanted fresh air, he could open the small side window. It was barely big enough to fit a hand through, much less a person. He had a desk in the far right corner and the bed face the right as well, head board resting on the left wall. There was a nice carpet on the floor, but no rugs or anything. If he was as dangerous as Yoongi led you to believe, you knew he could probably do any multitude of things with limited resources. You made sure to check and double check the room for any potential issues. 

There was a tooth brush, blunt, not very stabby, and a hair brush in the bathroom. The desk held no writing utensils, just paper. You decided that if he wanted to write, you would have someone watch him carefully while he did so. There were no light fixtures on the ceiling to prevent suicide and there were no mirrors. There were no locks except on the main door, and he couldn’t control that one. All furniture was bolted to the floor to make it so he couldn’t prevent anyone from entering the room by barricading himself in. 

You had trouble reading him, despite getting to know him better recently. He rarely spoke to you or Jimin. Speaking of which, the silver haired male strutted into the room behind you. He also did a check and nodded. With that, you untied Taehyung and with the help of Jimin, you hoisted him onto the bed. You both set to work tucking him in. Then you placed the loose chain around his ankles onto him and pocketed the key. The chain was long enough that he could go anywhere in the room without any issue, and it was loose enough that he hopefully wouldn’t notice it much. Still, it was a safety precaution. You watched his sleeping form for a moment before your eyes flicked away. He looked so peaceful and innocent. 

You had come to realize that Mr. Kim Taehyung was anything but innocent. He had yet to tell you his real job, but he alluded to a much more serious job than a low level drug dealer when you spoke to him. You and Jimin quietly left the room. There were security cameras in three corners of the room and a hidden one in the wall sconce if he managed to disable the others. You made sure no blindspots were left. 

Jimin turned to you, a small smile on his face. 

“If this works, I want you to re-evaluate how we do things.” He said calmly. 

“What? Really?” Your eyes narrowed at the idea. You had done things differently before, but you didn’t like how that turned out.

“We don’t have to be inhumane and barbaric. I mean, you know I’ve always hated this. The only reason I’m here is because of you and the others.” He explained sheepishly. He scratched the back of his head. “I could leave at any time, I have the means.” 

It was like a slap in the face. You knew he was never happy with his situation, but you had begun to think he had accepted it. After all, he carried out your commands without flinching now. You cared for him as a partner and friend. You didn’t want him to leave. He understood that you would be alone if he left, he knew that. Yoongi was practically just a stranger to you now; a stranger you knew a lot more about than you should. And Jimin...Jimin was a source of comfort for you. He was too good to be in this world of filth.

Hesitantly, you place your hands on his shoulders. 

“Okay.” You relented. Anything to get him to stay. “Just don’t up and leave me, please.” You said softly. You couldn’t tell if you were a monster or a human capable of love; a very damaged human. Maybe all monsters were damaged human beings. 

-

-

Su*cidal Thoughts WARNING (Please, as someone who has struggled with these thoughts, please please please reach out to someone.) Hotlines

“Y/N, you need to stop this nonsense, really.” Yoongi, remained calm, absolutely still. He suspected this was just another mental breakdown of yours. “Love, just, just step back over the railing, let’s talk about this.” 

“Yoongi.” Your voice quivered. You turned from your spot on the balcony. You were on the other side of the railing, arms out behind you, gripping on for dear life. Below was a long drop to darkness. When you turned to look at him, your eyes were wet and your nose pink from crying. Inside felt eerily still, as if this was meant to be. Your body longed for the ground below. “Yoongi, I’m a monster. I can’t live with myself knowing what I’ve done to these people.” You whispered, worried the night wind would take your breath away. 

Yoongi had always known you were on the edge of sanity. He had asked you to take a break, to which you had refused. Still, every time he saw you on the balcony, in that bathtub, on that chair, his heart dropped. Did he have any right to keep holding onto you anymore? Could he keep doing this? Maybe it was best if he helped you get away from this life. But his selfishness, his greed to keep you to himself was too great. 

He had been in that place, over the railing, on the chair, in the tub. Now, he peered into your eyes, breath catching and wondering if this was it. Would this be the time he lost you? It seemed death longed for you as much as he did and between that war, where did you fall? Where was your humanity; your opinion? 

“I love you, Y/N.” He uttered those words a million times and each seemed to carry a different tone. He took another hesitant step forward. You turned back around with a grimace, looking at the fall below. You hadn’t been scared of heights, but now you shook. Was this right? Where else would you go if you didn’t end this here. What other purpose did you have besides misery? And at that moment, it felt like you had struck a deal with the devil. 

You could cause misery, lots of it. You didn’t climb back over that railing because of Yoongi rushing to you, hugging you, and whispering I Love Yous. No, You climbed over that railing a new woman. It was a sharp turn. You took the innocent girl that was you, and you locked her in the closet while she was blissfully unaware. Even when she screamed to come out, you held the door shut. 

END of Su*cidal Thoughts 

-

-

You watched Kim Taehyung eagerly. It felt like when you planned a surprise part for a friend. You were awaiting a reaction. The surveillance room was dark as it was well past midnight. Jimin was asleep on the couch behind you. 

“Psst.” You turned around and nudged him with a shoe. “I think he’s waking up.” 

Jimin jolted awake, seemingly dazed for a few seconds as he fought to regain a sense of his surroundings. 

“I see.” He yawned loudly and stretched his hands upwards. He then stood and leaned over you as you studied the screen. Taehyung seemed surprised, an eyebrow jerking upwards. You saw him take note of the room, a very observant creature indeed. You then saw him look at each surveillance camera, no doubt wondering how to disable them. Then you saw him stand and move towards the bathroom. You didn’t have surveillance there as you had a little decency. But he didn’t know that. You sat back, watching his explore the room. He half-heartedly shook his ankle, seeing how loose it was. Then he made his way to the desk. Upon seeing there were no utensils for writing, he scowled. He looked up to the blank ceiling, then back down to the bolted down furniture. 

“Funny.” He said, loud enough for the audio to pick him up. “You guys are smart. You planned well.” He ran a few fingers through his curly hair. Then he looked up at a camera. “It might take even me a few weeks to figure out how to escape.” 

You didn’t know whether to feel flattered or annoyed at his arrogance. YOu found yourself crossing your arms unhappily, even though he couldn’t see you. It still felt like he was staring into your soul through that camera. Jimin shooed you out of the seat and he sat down to work on other surveillance related things. You had gotten permission from Jin to use his surveillance room for the night and you crashed on the couch. It was surprisingly comfortable, no wonder Jimin fell asleep so quickly. You closed your eyes, feeling yourself drift off. 

Then you felt yourself falling. It was falling like you had dreamed of, a fall that landed on soft grass and the night sky above you as the world went black. It was all a fantasy, but your stomach churned this time as you felt your body in a free dive. You woke up with a start, breath heavy and labored. Jimin was resting at the surveillance desk, eyes barely open. 

You took in your surroundings. You weren’t falling. You were just fine... You carefully dug around the room that was packed with all sorts of things, and you found a blanket. You wrapped Jimin in the blanket and went about getting yourself comfortable. You had a feeling Mr. Kim wouldn’t be all too entertaining for the next few hours as he had managed to fall asleep again. You had no idea how he managed that when you couldn’t seem to go a few hours without waking up shaking. As you watched the two sleep, one on screen and one next to you, you smiled ever so slightly. Perhaps Jimin was right, maybe you really did need to re-evaluate. It was nice going to sleep without dried blood under your fingernails. 

-

- 

part 3, d o n e. I mean, not like you guys asked for it but I felt like it. Let me know your thoughts!

Previous | Next

#bts #bts mafia #taehyung #yoongi #bts x reader #taehyung x reader #yoongi x reader #taehyung mafia #yoongi mafia #fluff #angst #hamartia

[caffeinated-moonchild]

therapy [jeon jungkook]

writer: michiko

genre: angst, short story, fan fiction

synopsis: some things are only for oneself. some things are shared to friends, family, significant other, or even social media. but there are things that only the therapist knows.

character/s: jeon jungkook, original character [i]

TRIGGER WARNING: may contain mention of violence, profanity, mental health, self-harm

story:

There are things that no one else knows, things that are better off kept to oneself or locked away in the deepest and darkest part of ourselves. It sounds kind of selfish, almost as if I did not give a single fuck about anyone around me because sharing is supposed to be caring, but let us be honest for a while...none of you gives a shit about anyone, too.

But when you keep everything to yourself and not share it with anyone, chances are you would burst into flames and your enemies will dance on your ashes, not even taking time to scatter your remains at your favorite place. So the moral lesson of life is trust no one. 

Why have I grown to be such a heartless loser? It’s all because of a guy. 

How cliché. But isn’t life a compilation of clichés?  

“Let’s give him a name. Jeon. Let’s call him that. 

It wasn’t anything romantic or extraordinary like eyes meeting from opposite sides of the room or bumping into each other and me spilling coffee on his perfect white shirt. But it does involve coffee. 

There is this hidden gem of a coffee shop in Gangnam that holds these jam nights. It's really fun. It's not just music. There's a bit of slam poetry and every Friday the 13th, there's a speed dating.

Yes. That's where I met Jeon. 

I still remember his first question…"

I had yet to settle on the stool when the guy asked, "What's with the black lipstick?" His voice dripped of this tone that seemed like some kind of judgment, which I was ready to retort. But then my eyes saw the most gorgeous being to walk this fucked up planet. Maybe for me but that was the thing, I normally dislike everyone but there was something about him that gripped onto me so tight that I could not find a way to escape it. 

His dark brown eyes seemed too pierce through my soul, his button nose being the only adorable thing on such a handsome face, his red lips tugged up to a smirk, and framing his face was his gorgeous chin-length black hair with an undercut on the right side―a modern Hades with his black clothes and black boots, matched with his golden skin that glowed even under the dim light of the coffee shop.

I arched my brow as I looked at him, wondering what a guy like him was doing at a speed dating.

“Not to be judgmental but he had the look of a sex god and I am pretty sure that every girl who sees him would definitely jump on him. Trust me on that one because if it wasn’t for my lack of interest and self-control, I would have straddled him right there and then.”

Out of habit, I rolled my eyes not out of genuine annoyance but more of to build a bit of persona around him. It was more of a mask as I tried to gauge what he likes and what he was into...the likes. “I didn’t really want to go to this thing. When they said Friday the 13th event, I was looking forward to a slasher fest or a horror movie night, but apparently that’s not what’s going on. I’m not thrilled.” 

And though I stay over poetry and enjoy the sappy love songs, my reputation has long become the disturbed girl with serious parental issues resulting in lack of self-confidence and self-love, matched with a foul mouth and love for gore and anything dark and darker than black. 

“Call it stupid but it was easier to put a mask for someone rather than to bare my soul and be judged and tossed to the side. At least, with a mask, I can throw it away and make a new one. That makes me sound so deranged but so what?”

He chuckled, crossing his legs like he was some kind of model who just had to show off that he could look like a model. “Dark but I like it.” 

That was what did it for me. The moment he appreciated the darkness I presented, I thought that nothing would scare him because right then he knew that knives and blood are what keep me sane. Right then I thought that he knew what kind of mess he was getting into...or what I thought he was getting into. 

“The more we talked, the more I found myself falling in love with him. I learned how he is more than the guy that he lets on to be. In ways, we were similar. We both hated being judged and so we pretend to be someone else to keep our true selves intact and untouched by the chaotic world outside and toxic people who feed on the weak and the kind.

And the more things got real, the more I wanted it. But he felt differently.”

His hand has always felt warm around mine, making me feel safe and secured. There was something about every bit of him that made me feel warm...as if I was home. 

The view was nothing spectacular but the way the sun and the clouds decorated the blue sky was breathtaking in its own way. Our eyes would momentarily take a break from basking in the light and meet each other in a passionate yet brief glance, as if to make sure that we still had each other. I dreaded the moment that we would have to part…

“So you’d understand how crushed I felt when he let go of my hand because his friends were approaching us and he hasn’t told them about me for reasons I didn’t know at the moment, reasons I wished I didn’t know.

He held me as if he didn’t want to lose me. He touched me like I was a goddess he worshiped. He kissed me as if we would die tomorrow. He told me he loves me as if those were the only words he knew. 

But the moment his crew gets involved, I become a girl who got obsessed with him and wanted him all to myself and he was just kind enough to actually play with me.

What kind of self-respecting woman would stay with a guy like him?”

His head hung low, eyes could not even meet mine. “What the hell was that, Jeon?” My voice was firm, trying my best not to explode and risk another unnecessary argument that I knew I could not handle at the moment. “I know you have some kind of reputation to uphold but why can’t you just tell them that we’re in a relationship? Why do you have to make it seem like I am some kind of obsessed fangirl who wouldn’t leave you alone?” 

As he looked up at me, I could see that he felt guilty about it. His doe eyes always worked its charm and I would often forgive him but I could not seem to find a reason to do so. 

“My self-confidence was on a different kind of low. A part of me felt as if he was just hanging me on a hook because I love him...I loved him. He liked the ego boost so he kept me. Every single time he made me feel like a stalker fangirl, I lost every bit of faith and hope that someone could love someone so messed up, that someone could appreciate the broken. 

I very much thought he could and maybe he could.”

Shaking my head, I knew what I had to do and say, “I’m going. I’m sorry, Jeon. I can’t do this if you want to keep this up. I know that you have your own issues but I can’t keep on ignoring it. I can’t keep on pretending that it’s okay because it’s not. I love you. I swear, I do. Maybe even more than myself.” 

I should not have glanced at him because the moment I saw that look on his face, his brown eyes pleading with me. Immediately, I looked away to avoid breaking and losing my stand. “Maybe someday, Jeon.” I paused, a brutal attempt to keep myself from breaking down. “I love you.”

Then I left. 

I left before I changed my mind and decided to settle for what was there. 

“As petty as it sounds, it drove me back to the darkest parts of my mind. Whatever light he brought to my life disappeared. My life drowned in pitch black again. 

My family is a mess, my parents constantly breathing down my neck over every single thing and me being the constant disappointment in their golden lives. My friends expect me to be as high-achieving and goal-oriented as they are as if I have no dreams. 

As stupid as it may seem, Jeon was the only one who understood me...or tried and that was more than enough. 

He tried. And that’s okay.

I didn’t want to kill myself over him. I just wanted to feel a bit of physical pain to justify the emotional pain that I was going through, thinking that the break-up was too small of a thing to cry over...and wounds are more valid.

But I guess I was wrong because I had to talk about all of this again when I didn’t want to. As much as possible, I wanted to keep this all hidden and buried underneath but therapy really wants us to dig deep, right?”

Dressed in a little black dress, curly black hair clipped at the side, black boots tapping against the floor, bandaged wrists making the perfect accessory to show off while drinking a non-spiked punch―it was an outfit I had no time to plan out but it was a perfect way to show off how I feel about the entire thing...not that anyone gives a shit anyway. 

Across the floor was Ms. Kang, glancing at my direction as if I was going to have a breakdown. Her eyes even got bigger than they already are just when I felt someone standing next to me. And by the look on Ms. Kang’s face, she was invested. 

I knew that the older woman across the floor was not going to look away anytime soon. And I did not have to look at who stood next to me because I could very much tell by the scent that was wafting to my direction. 

“Oh Jeon.” 

“What do you want, Jeon?” I asked, trying to stay strong despite my own strength wavering. 

He chuckled, the same cocky reaction he had whenever he knew that he had something in his grip. “You.”

“I’m not a ‘what’ and didn’t I say that we’re not getting back together until you learn to treat me like your girlfriend and not some psycho stalker?” I rolled my eyes as I took a good gulp of my drink, hoping that I seemed convincing because I did not believe anything that was coming from my lips.

He nodded, setting his cup down on the table before he held me by the shoulders and faced me towards him. “And that’s why I’m here. To make things right.” The cocky look on his face immediately melted, his hands reaching for mine. “I told my friends who you are in my life and it took me a while to realize that it didn’t matter what anyone wants to see from me. What’s important is that I’m happy and I’m happy with you.” 

Arching a brow, I asked, “Really?”

“Really.” A smile stretched across his lips as a soft one appeared on mine, almost as if telling him that we were okay. 

“Sometimes, love can be as simple as forgiving. May their apology be truth or lie, time can only tell and it may be too late but you did your part. But we can’t always fear forgiving and getting hurt. Let’s be honest, we learn by getting hurt. And we won’t know unless we try. 

As much as I wanted to keep Jeon at arm’s length, I want to know if things will work out now because I don’t want to wake up one day regretting that I didn’t forgive the guy I truly love, especially for something that’s still fixable.”

“Why is Ms. Kang looking at me like she wants to murder me?” Jeon asked, arms cautiously wrapped around my waist. 

Pressing my lips together for a while, I looked at him with a smile. “Maybe because she knows what kind of asshole you are?” I laughed. 

With a confused look he asked, “What do you mean?”

“Let’s just say that I tell my therapist everything.”

#jeon jungkook #jungkook #jeongguk #jungkook ff #bts fan fic #bts ff #bangtan sonyeondan #kpop #kpop fan fiction #jungkook x original character #jungkook x oc #original character #original character fan fiction #bts x original character #therapy #angst fan fic #fan fiction

[artpoint420]

Melvin and the Silent Diagnosis for a Brilliantly Broken Psyche

Hypothetical Diagnosis Insecurity masked with narcissistic tendencies characterized with compulsive obsessions driven by blatant autism, and no that is not an immature insult I test extremely highly for Asperger's myself Here's the Evidence: (I will state before hand that Melvin-borg is a completely separate character in my mind, and thus will not be included in this particular theory.  Melvin decided not to turn out like him, so they are canonically separate characters) He is obviously and frequently inspired by George and Harold, but his deeply embedded fear of rejection makes him dangerously bitter, and it doesn't help that everytime he breaks out of this protective shell, he is rejected or betrayed once again. It’s important to note that while he may be high-functioning (aka: Aspergers) he is still Autistic. That’s because Asperger’s is not a form of autism- it is autism. Period. And any kind of autism or mental attypicality left untreated can develop in to many, many other severe mental disorders, or, in general, make life a metric heck ton harder and complicated than it already is. I also need to confess that I test highly positively for autism myself as well as being an INTP female (Myers-Briggs Personality Test). Not to brag, but all that combined with my naturally creative nature makes me rare af, but it also means I can't communicate or handle stress #liketheothergirls, so that has lead me to being/feeling bullied and ostracized.  I also have anxiety and depression issue which run in my family, and mild insomnia, and may or may not be relapsing into an eating disorder. Paired with psychical problems like acid reflux and severe neck tension, health, whether psychical or mental is of uttermost importance to me.  It suffices to say, autism is not easy to deal with and if not taken care for properly a person, especially if not made at least aware of what autism truly is, it can truly ruin their life. Combined with the neglectful nature of his parents (at least in the books) I and many others in this fandom truly believe Melvin is at least autistically coded. Not only does this fit the archetype of his character but it also fits the theme of the books to a TEE. At its core, CU, of all things, is a children's book series, about living your best life despite not being “normal.” Even characters like the teachers or Mr Krupp who strive for “normality” are shown to actually have deeply repressed creativity, or, in some cases, deep trauma from their own childhoods. It suffices to say that I resonate deeply with Melvin. Say what you want about him or me, I was able to relate to him the second he spoke his first line in the second book. Sorry to turn this into a long vent, but I feel it is best to use myself to support this theory as well as harder evidence, even if it is mostly a means of self-therapy. To start, we both are obsessed with school even to a detrimental degree. Ever since head-start (Pre-K but a million times better), these "book-smarts" were the first thing I ever truly excelled at. When the other kids bullied (or as I now know as teasing) me, I would lose myself in a stack of homework or a book 2-3 grades past my grade level (this is before I drew or wrote as a main hobby). Similarly, Melvin is rarely seen without a book or gadget, just like me. We both over analyze things and hide our feelings. We both have intense crushes on others but are terrified to dare express them, or do but to nothing but awkwardness. We were both science kids, and fascinated by words and/or numbers alone (I still am just in a more artistic way). We both struggle to communicate and relate to others. We both have a unusual sense of humor and are highly observant of surroundings all the while missing what’s in front of our noses. We both have interests that quickly spiral into obsessions and dropping the obsession only when sick of it. We both practice similar forms of stimming. We both not only thrive but crave control and structure with the world around us, even to the point of being "control freaks" and creating odd habits, routines, and rituals regardless of whether they are necessary or make sense. We both have an intense fear of intimacy and rejection to the point of practicing self-isolation and in some cases self harm or other unhealthy coping methods (seen with Melvin over eating sweets or over working himself. For me it’s disordered eating or self flagellation, something I have all but completely dropped but still) We also both tend to see ourselves as inferior to others and attempt to mask those feelings with a superiority complex (I feel bad for my siblings but I didn’t know what I was doing, and no it was not abusive just sibling rivalry and I’m the oldest anyway, and we are country kids and understand “rough-housing” =/= using each other as a punching bag, but accidents happen I'm sorry) We both seem to become easily overstimulated and have explosive mental and emotional breakdowns when things just . . . become too much However the harsh divide between male and female and fictional and nonfictional means we both present certain traits differently. Whereas he presents a more linear line of thinking my mind is overwhelmingly sporadic. Also, I have over sensitivities to touch and light (and sometimes certain noises, but not anything not normal? Wfk.) But maybe he does have oversensitivity but I can't think of an example off the top of my head. Enough about me however. I know Melvin and autism has been done to death.  Hell, I just did it to death.  My actual theory is more on the inner mechanisms of his mind and predicting how he will develop should the series allow for full character development. Also, similar to my Krupp theory, I will be listing his crimes out and give him a proper sentence for his age and maturity level (which will be light as I am sympathetic to his plight).   This is already getting too long, so Imma try to finally get to the point.  Characters with autism are honestly a mixed bag, sometimes there as standardized as my mystery Daddy Sherlock Holmes and other times they are as subtle as Pearl or Peridot from Steven Universe (has Rebbaca Sugar confirmed this? sorry). Honestly, it does distress me that autism is almost always used to have an evil genius character or some weird side character for brownie/ diversity points. (this makes me a bit hypocritical I guess, considering my own stories. I guess tropes are tropes for a reason) And while Dav Pilky May not be subtle with his scholastic politics or humor his one spectacular tool in his writing books has always been, when it comes to his characters, showing instead of telling. This is something I latched on to even as a kid, and I was already thinking up theories on the characters before I even knew character theories were a thing.  Like what happened to Harold's Dad (hint, hint).  Why was Harold's sister rarely used?  Does Mr Krupp actually like their comics (a now accepted theory, but not just min? And many many others I'm probably never gonna write.  It took until how long in the books to reveal George and Harold have ADHD? Before that they were simply described as being as smart as Melvin but just in different ways. Personally I feel that autism is inverted ADHD. This is an opinion I’ve recently formed so if I’m wrong bloody attack me in the comments. Anyway, Melvin presenting autism makes him the perfect foil to George and Harolds’ more sporadic antics. The only true difference between autistic folks and ADHD folks is that those with autism tend to crave a structured environment full of rules, and set goals to achieve, while such an environment is HELL to children with ADHD (aka:George and Harold). (Even though if with adults they can trust, children with ADHD thrive in structured environments if they are surrounded by adults or authority figures they can trust.)  I know some will tell me ADHD is on the spectrum, but I just learned this like actually the other day and don’t fully understand it.  My prediction is that Melvin will eventually and naturally mellow out if just because staying so high strung all the time is a huge waste of mental energy.  I know good as hell I had to.  Also, he mellowed our in the books and went from a screeching revenge exacting lil narcissistic white boi prick to a person who simply wants to pursue his interests and even helping George and Harold (selfishly, but help nonetheless). He even went from enjoying the fame and attention of hero-ing to realizing it did not fufill him. Indeed quite the opposite.  His true passion lay in solving world problems through science, and I don't think the ending for him in the books could have been any more perfect considering his character.   In the Netflix show, similar to how I think Krupp's personalities are merging, I believe that Melvin will eventually become more like his Broski alter ego (which I calmly demand more of).  Overall, given that this show needs to go back to the status quo more often than not, I don't think his core character will ever change, and it doesn't need to.  Multiple times throughout the series he's been shown to crave friendship from George and Harold, despite audibly hating him . Textbook Tsundere, I know.  He will form a friendly rivalry with George and Harold, I have almost no doubt about that, taking the season 1 finale, season 2 finale, season 3 first episode, and halloween special into consideration. (Yeah, if someone will send me clips I will give them my eternal gratefulness) To conclude, because by god this is long, Melvin is, SHOCKER, just a little kid.  A little kid who likes muffins and dolls and has big hopes and dreams.  A little kid whose love for science and unrecognized creativity is channeled into making inventions that are even more impressive than those of Professor P (sorry P).  But he is a little kid with his own needs and stuggles which at this point remain unmet.  His parents are canonically neglectful, I cannot repeat that enough times.  The effects of neglect are a hell-hole of its own regardless of growing up with undiagnosed autism.  But that's just a theory- Alright, that was a banger, I guess next up is Melvin-borg since writing this has given me some interesting ideas for him.  Let’s see how long this hyperfocus train will go!

#captain underpants #melvinsneedly #melvin #georgeandharold #george #harold #mrkrupp #davpilky #theory #cutheory #thetheorizer #thetheory #filmtheory #booktheory #tvtheory

[matildashoney]

Please feel free to share your analysis...

FAIR WARNING: THIS WAS A PERSONAL ASSIGNMENT AND I WAS REFLECTING ON THE LYRICS IN MY LIFE. IT’S NOT AN ACTUAL ANALYSIS OF THE LYRICS THEMSELVES!

One of my favorite words in the dictionary is “alright”. Oxford Dictionary defines “alright” as “satisfactory but not especially good; acceptable”, which is ironic considering that all of the moments we use the terminology or phrase we are justifying that something or someone could become better. Having an affinity for words, it would seem only natural that my entire life is drawn around writing and even more so around music, and how they impact me, my mental health, my outlook on life. Outlets for mental health, especially coping mechanisms and therapies, whether it be a healthy coping mechanism or not as much, is extremely important and valuable and there has always been a keenness to include music and have a connection to the words that are going through the melody. Over the years, there has been a fluctuation of favorite songs and favorite lyrics, and yet, in the past six months, I have found sets of lyrics that have changed my life for the better, that have all made me feel as though everything that was going wrong would be “alright”.

“Oh // We’ll be alright // Oh // It’ll be alright.”

On the faux porcelain floor of my makeshift tub, water splashed against my legs and mimicked the flow of tears that made their way down my cheeks and on my skin. Only the second emotional break of the week, there was a playlist of songs echoing through the bathroom to try and alleviate the stressing thoughts in my mind and the pounding sensation that thrummed at my temples and matched my elevated pulse. One more day of questioning myself, my ability, my inclination to be a writer. One more series of breakdowns that make me want to toss my computer to the wall and delete all that any work that has ever been a thought in my brain. Unfortunately, these emotional breaks happen more often than not, a simple comment or thought will spur into a downwards spiral that makes seemingly no sense to anyone that witnesses. On these days, it’s the thought that my writing will never be good enough, will never have what it takes to be well-versed, well-liked, talked about, my writing will never be successful, is what overcomes me and will cause my brain to riot the thought that there is anything worthy to be written. On these days, every thought in my brain is telling me to give up.

There has never been a time where my heart feels so torn and distraught over the decision to continue writing. Online, there is an abundance of readers, and there is also an abundance of critics. Having your following slowly build, the trickling hateful messages or reoccurring themes that writers will talk badly about your work becomes prevalent and it is a major shock to the system. Content is free, therefore there are no user guidelines to interact or give feedback to the author. Having work that you took days writing, hours editing, weeks creating do poorly with a lack of interaction. All of that is incredibly discouraging and brings you to reflection. It is very disheartening and makes you question yourself. What am I doing wrong? What should I be doing better? Can I be any better?

On the days that my mind is begging me to hang up the thoughts and the characters and the conflicts and the dialogue that flood my brain without permission, “Still” by Niall Horan is a song that has become an outlet. One lyric that repeats is, “Oh, we'll be alright // Oh, it'll be alright”. Clinging to the belief that my purpose lies in my writing, that I will be able to create a character, a conflict, a story that a young adult turns to when they need hope, when they need encouragement, when they need to feel love, then I need to believe that it will be alright. Going back to my furthest memories, there isn’t a time that writing wasn’t part of my life, that it didn’t bring about a source of joy or happiness. Writing is my relief, my therapy, my coping mechanism. Writing is my escape from all that is harmful in the world. Writing is a love affair between my fingertips and my thoughts, the characters the begin to have a say in the direction of their fictional life. On the days that I am feeling like giving up, I have to remind myself why I write. “If honesty means telling you the truth // Well I'm still in love with you.”

I have to remind myself that I am still in love with writing.

“We’ll be a fine line // We’ll be alright.”

Emotions are a prized possession. Going without feeling anything but numb for so long, feeling anything is better than feeling nothing. Feeling something reminds you that you’re alive. And I like to feel alive. It doesn’t matter what it is, I will do anything to feel it. I will pay the price. I will travel the distance. I will take the time. Hate, however, that is the last emotion that I want to feel. Hate is the reaction to sadness. Hate is the lingering remnants that sit in your mind when the tears have dried and the anxiety has passed, when the breathing has steadied, and the heart rate has slowed. Hate is a strong word, that doesn’t tend to linger in my vocabulary, because there are very few things in my world that deserve to be hated. Out of the very few that do make the cut, my brain makes the charting high.

Categorical symptoms of anxiety look like this: highs and lows, extreme fear and nervousness and overwhelming happiness that also terrifies you. Until the age of eighteen, there wasn’t a consistent time where true happiness – that bliss that radiates through your fingertips and makes you smile until your cheeks ache – was felt inside of me. Until the age of eighteen, there wasn’t a toy or object or person or place that could bring me that happiness, that emotion that my heart was desperately craving for.

And then, it happened.

One day, the cords connect, the light switched, the emotions started flooding through my body in the form of smiles and tears and laughter and screaming, and I couldn’t, I wouldn’t do anything to make it stop. One day transformed into a second, and then a third, and then there was a day where my computer was open, and my fingertips were typing vigorously against the keyboard and there was a story with emotion flying from my thumbs without any second thought. Characters were talking and there was a story and there was a meaning and there were tears on my cheeks because I felt like I could feel something.

“Fine Line” by Harry Styles is a song that hits every emotion when listening. On the days where it feels as though there is nothing to be felt inside, it feels as though spreading open my thoughts and my vulnerability, the layers that are hidden to hide me, are the only way to know me. “We’ll be a fine line // We’ll be alright” repeats with resounding trumpets, the vibrato pounding through your veins and making you feel when you so desperately want to. On those days where everything feels like nothing, where existing is simply the way to breathe, where there is nothing in me to write, to speak to breathe, there is a reminder about the fine line in all of us. All of us have a fine line of vulnerability, of creativity, of emotion, of understanding. Cracking that boundary is petrifying and makes every vessel in your chest ache with fear. On the days that I need to feel, I need to remind myself to be open, to walk past that line. On the days that all I want is emotion, I need to remember that I am willing to do anything to have it. “Put a price on emotion // I’m looking for something to buy.”

And so, I repeat the lines, “we’ll be alright” and “it’ll be alright” in my head daily because I desperately choose to believe that that will be true.

#caitlin talks to herself #personal #lyric analysis #anonymous #ask sweetcreatureinthedark #submit to sweetcreatureinthedark #ask horanandstylesaremyonlyreason #submit to horanandstylesaremyonlyreason #i got imagines for a heart

[veliseraptor]

What're the top lines* in the MCU that you think form the core of Loki's character? It's something I was thinking about when I saw a "I never wanted the throne..." gifset. (*For arguments sake, you could go with top 3 or 5 or WHATEVER)

oh boy I like this question. what a good question thank you for asking

(couldn’t narrow it down to 3 or 5, though, so I’m going with 8.)

1. “I never wanted the throne, I only ever wanted to be your equal!”

You mentioned this one, but it is absolutely a central piece of Loki’s character - the idea of wanting to be Thor’s equal, of his feeling of being lacking, of being less, and how that has shaped him, beyond what we see on screen. The throne isn’t an end in and of itself - it is symbolic. Its meaning is of finally reaching the place that Thor has automatically. Of being equal, because the marker of that is Mjolnir and the kingship, and since Mjolnir is an impossibility at least he can be worthy in another way. 

It ties into Loki’s illusion in the deleted scene from The Dark World - he’s not imagining himself as king, there, so much as he’s imagining himself as Thor, down to the red cape and the hammer. Loki doesn’t want to be himself on the throne - he wants to be Thor. Because anything else means he will always be less.

2. “Trust my rage.”

There’s two reasons I chose this one. The first is Loki’s anger - Loki has a lot of anger, a lot of rage, through the first three movies in which he appears. Again and again it’s there, the seething fury just barely suppressed most of the time (more on that later) but still very much present. 

The second is the choice here that chooses “rage” over “grief.” Loki’s decision to go with Thor comes just as much from his grief over Frigga’s death (and guilt) as it comes from his anger and desire for vengeance - but that’s not the road he chooses to take. Because that would involve a vulnerability that Loki is never willing to show. It would involve giving Thor a genuine emotional piece of himself that Loki refuses to give. 

I’ve talked a lot before about how the Odinfamily in general (specifically Thor, Loki, and Odin) transforms their emotions into anger because it’s an acceptable feeling (as opposed to sorrow or depression). That’s part of what I think is going on here: the assumption that Thor will more readily accept Loki’s thirst for vengeance as a foundation of trust, however tentative, than he would accept their shared grief.

3. “I remember a shadow, living in the shade of your greatness.”

This kind of lines up with the first one above, but it shades a little differently - fitting to where it falls in canon, it’s more bitter, it’s darker, it’s less plaintive (”this isn’t what I want”) and more ferocious and angry. It encapsulates Loki’s perspective on their places, once again underlining that sense of being a shadow, being cast in Thor’s wake as the lesser. And it has weight, too, in the sense of…not just a shadow in that he’s obscured from view, but as in a shadow as the counter to Thor’s light. You only get a shadow with sunlight - as the sun shines on Thor, Loki gets cast as his dark counterpart. 

If I push this a little further: dark, distorted, blurry, and not a constant - Thor is always there, but Thor’s shadow isn’t.

And that’s the role Loki has cast himself in in The Avengers: the villain, Thor’s shadow, his dark counterpart. If Thor is the hero then Loki is the monster. Because that’s his role. Thor’s shadow, both in following him and in making him look brighter by comparison.

4. “Your ledger is dripping, it’s gushing red, and you think saving a man no more virtuous than yourself will change anything? This is the basest sentimentality. This is a child at prayer… pathetic! You lie and kill in the service of liars and killers. You pretend to be separate, to have your own code. Something that makes up for the horrors. But they are a part of you, and they will never go away!”

Okay, so, multiple people have talked about the ways in which Loki is talking as much about himself here as he is about Natasha, and I think that’s absolutely accurate, from “basest sentimentality” (Loki’s repeated references to ‘sentiment’ throughout this movie are very ‘doth protest too much’) to “they are a part of you, and they will never go away.” 

But almost more than the words themselves what’s telling to me about this monologue is the way that Loki absolutely loses it. Because the thing is that we don’t see Loki like this very often at all - really flipping out, losing his control, displaying the kind of violent anger that he does to Natasha here. Even in other places when he’s angry, he either doesn’t raise his voice this much or doesn’t get physical. The other place I can think of it happening is in Thor, at the end, with the fight on the Bifrost when Loki is dissolving and basically trying to goad Thor into a fight with him (for about six different reasons). 

And it is very, very interesting that it happens here, during a speech that’s seemingly just oriented toward scaring Natasha. Because, yeah, the other place it happens is when it’s Loki having a full mental breakdown and identity crisis. 

Something here snaps. And I think it has to do with the way that, when Loki starts in on Natasha, it starts a resonance with his own feelings of monstrosity. And that’s still a very, very sore point.

There’s almost a satisfaction when Natasha confirms that. When she calls him what he is.

5. “It hurts, doesn’t it? Being lied to. Being told you’re one thing and then learning it’s all a fiction.”

This line is…it fascinates me because of the way that it, like a lot of the things Loki says (and another later entry on this list) has two edges. On the one hand, Loki’s gloating: “now you get it, now you know what it’s like to be me, how about that, Thor, how does it feel.” There’s still an anger and a bitterness there, a vindication. 

But at the same time, and almost in the next breath, it is also, under that edge of spite, an extended hand. This is where Loki makes his offer to Thor to join him, to work with him and be allies on Sakaar. Loki has no interest in going back to Asgard or fighting Hela. But he’s willing to bring Thor with him as he tries to gain a foothold of power there. 

And there’s an element of being pleased that he can do that - in being in a position, finally, where he has the edge on Thor, the superiority to Thor, where he can be the one to offer a helping hand. That’s power, and Loki likes feeling powerful. (He’s spent a lot of time feeling powerless.) Simultaneously, though…I think it’s also what Loki wanted someone to do for him, when his life fell apart. Would have wanted Thor to do for him, though he’d never have asked. 

All this happening at the same time, and in a few brief moments - and that’s a big part of how I conceptualize Loki. There are a lot of things going on in his head at the same time, all the time. And sometimes he doesn’t even know which is foremost or most true.

6. Thor: “Why have you done this?” / Loki: “To prove to Father that I am a worthy son! When he wakes, I will have saved his life, I will have destroyed that race of monsters, and I will be true heir to the throne!”

I feel like…people who think Loki’s motive in Thor is just “usurp Thor and the throne” really are not…paying attention. Because this line really says, right out, what Loki wants. “To prove to Father that I am a worthy son.”

And on top of that…it’s that inward-pointing self-hatred, there, implicit in “that race of monsters” - Loki has already referred to himself as such once (”the monster parents tell their children about at night”) and here he’s distancing himself from that but at the same time…he knows he’s one of them. And yet it’s like if he kills all the rest that won’t matter. 

He’ll still be the true heir, he’ll be worthy (and what a weighted word that is, in the context of Mjolnir), and Odin will see him as more than a potentially useful trinket. 

And in some ways everything Loki does after this ties back to a reaction to this line, here, and his failure to prove that he is worthy. A reaction against that failure. A determination to, if he can’t be a worthy son, at least be a better monster.

7. “You’re my brother and my friend. Sometimes I’m envious, but never doubt that I love you.”

Like above, this is another line that’s double-edged - it’s both sincere and not. Loki means it - he’s envious, but he does love Thor, very much, terribly much, and that never changes even when he hates him. 

At the same time…Loki is planning, in this moment, to ruin Thor’s moment of supposed triumph. He’s already set things in motion for the Frost Giants to invade, and for Thor to retaliate and disobey Odin and therefore show that he’s not worthy of the crown. 

Definitely didn’t plan on them actually making it to Jotunheim, let alone starting a fight there. At that point Loki’s plans went thoroughly sideways. 

But basically…it’s the way that even as Loki’s telling the truth about loving Thor, he’s setting him up for failure. And that is very Loki - for both those things to exist side-by-side in the same moment. 

8. “Satisfaction’s not in my nature.”

This line!! I come back to this line so much as something that defines my understanding of Loki’s character, because it says so much in five words. Because Loki is someone who is perpetually unsatisfied, who is restless and can’t settle and doesn’t know what he wants and doesn’t know who he is, who is always chasing something and never happy when he gets what he’s chasing. 

Because what he keeps doing is chasing the wrong things.

Loki spends so much of canon twisting on a hook of his own making, looking for one thing after another - Odin’s approval, the throne of Asgard, mastery of Midgard, spiting Thor - and none of those things make him really happy. Because on the one hand, Loki doesn’t know what he wants, not really. And on the other hand there’s always a thirst for more.

Loki scrabbles and struggles and fights, and almost never stops. Complacency is anathema. On a good day, that’s drive and determination; on a bad day it sends him spiraling.

#led lite #conversating #long post for ts #loki trashblogging #loki's a goddamn mess #loki laufeyson #i'm proud of this ok

[morozovas-collar]

Breaking down: The Darkling

As a precaution, I would like to make it very clear that I am not going to be defending any actions in this; simply explaining why the aforementioned character acts in certain ways and chooses the paths that are chosen. I will be discussing biological development and potentially triggering topics such as mental illness. Yes, I know it’s a work of fiction and not that deep. But do I care? Absolutely not. Let’s get this show on the road. 

✧ First and foremost: background. ( If you’re not interested in talk of biology, just skip to the next section. ) The crucial points of mental development for a child is from birth to the age of around four or five. This time of life is important to note because of epigenetics, which is the modification of genes, and it is the most flexible period of altering for said genes, and after the noted ages it becomes a lot less flexible. For a bit of information on this before we get the ball rolling, the majority of personality disorders develop during this point in life - be it from neglect, trauma, or any other notable developmental interruptions. For the sake of simplicity, we will be discussing post traumatic stress disorder and the potential of antisocial personality disorder spectrum.  It was made abundantly clear in the Shadow and Bone trilogy that Baghra was not the most affectionate of mothers. We also know that The Darkling was severely depraved of social interaction and the only times he had these opportunities to speak were by order on his mother. Baghra was purposefully neglectful in hopes of it making her child strong. As we all know as readers, that worked: but only to an extent. Because The Darkling is mentally frail. With the confessed neglect on Baghra’s behalf and the potential unnamed traumas that are implied, it is not too severe to assume that The Darkling suffers from some sort of mental distress. Certain behaviors that can imply that he is on the ASPD spectrum, as shown by his dismissive behavior towards others and a notable lack of empathy for those that are in his life.  Though it is also important to note that he does have certain topics that he cares fiercely about, which makes him more neutralized on said spectrum of antisocial behavior. He’s passionate about stopping the grisha torturing, and it’s clear that he loves his mother ( as seen in his distraught reactions after she jumps off the mountain ). One could also argue that he cares for Alina, which is a case that I will be agreeing with for the sake of this breakdown. However, while he does have topics that he is passionately empathetic towards, they are all distant cases of consideration. The Darkling lacks the ability to care about the people who are actually in his life: all he cares about is the bigger picture. Which is why Baghra and Alina specifically can transcend his tunnel vision. He has been around Baghra his entire life, and Alina is the only one who is part of the bigger picture for a better Ravka. His inability to care about the smaller problems point to a severe mental inability to process other’s emotions, as he deems that they are insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Now it is also a possibility that there is some trauma in his life that is unlisted. He shows quite a few symptoms of PTSD, such as: apathy, detachment, irritability, paranoia, constantly on guard etc. etc. PTSD mixed with being on the spectrum of ASPD can be damaging, especially when coping mechanisms are inappropriately applied ( spoiler alert: his coping mechanisms suck ).  So it can be assumed that some of his more impulsive and otherwise hostile actions are rooted down by mental illness.  ✧ Now this was mentioned earlier, but lets talk: motive.  It is made clear in the first book of the trilogy that The Darkling’s goal is to emancipate and bring liberty to his fellow grisha, whom have been persecuted against since the beginning of history.  We know that in Fjerda, the grisha are treated like witches and they are burned on pyres and actively hunted for sport or thrown in prison. We know that in Shu Han they are kidnapped and experimented on to cure morbid curiosity and fascination. Ravka is the only country that allows some sort of safe haven for the grisha. The Darkling’s goal, in simple terms, is to save his people.  He has watched millions of his people die in his lifetime. He has seen a genocide that has lasted over a thousand years. He has been forced to serve clueless kings who do nothing to salvage the people they supposedly protect. The Darkling is not a fresh little sapling, he’s ancient. He has witnessed injustice after cruel injustice, and human nature guides him to hold a violent grudge against those who have hurt him and his people. This hatred is unhealthy, it is extreme, it is an inspiration for coldblooded murder: and yet, it’s understandable  The Darkling’s goal to liberate was morphed into a spin on revenge. Hundreds of years of anger building up will do that to the mind. Not to mention his use of merzost - he was doomed the moment he was born. What was once a pure dream became a sick and twisted craving to deal punishment, to push for power, to never kneel again for a worthless ruler. Despite his actions, The Darkling at his core is a protector.  ✧ Last, but certainly not least: love and desperation.  This is the fuel to the fire, so to speak. Here is where Alina comes into play: she gave him hope.  Centuries of being alone, with nothing but white noise to keep you company, centuries of being on top of the world and then suddenly there’s someone who stands beside you. He’s going to cling to her. He’s going to obsess over her. He’s going to do everything he can think of to keep her by his side.  But The Darkling has lived a long life filled with tragedy. He was never given affection as a child. He was taught to never seek a friend. He was forced into a mindset that made him place himself above everyone else. He does not know how to love - at least not normally.  What Aleksander Morozova did for Alina was love. It was unhealthy, it was toxic, it was filled with manipulation and anger and cruelty. But that is all he knows. Before Alina, he did not know softness. Before Alina, he did not know insecurity. Before Alina, he was lost in his own darkness.  Alina gave him something that no one else could: she gave him hope. For the first time in his burdening life, he had someone who could be his equal, he had someone who made him feel a little more man than monster.  So when that light became fleeting, he became desperate. Desperate to keep what became the last of his sanity. He wanted her to be by his side, more than anything, and he was denied that. Which is what finally pushed him over the edge. 

“In this moment he was just a boy -brilliant, blessed with too much power, burdened by eternity.”

#the grishaverse #the grisha trilogy #tgt #shadow and bone #the darkling #aleksander morozova #alina starkov #baghra #breaking down: character

[vilethrowaway0914]

My Experiences With The Fictionkin Community

Well, I made this account mainly to post about this. It needs to be said, I haven’t seen anyone publicly talk about this.

Before I start this, no this is not meant to be an attack on people who are Fictionkin. If you are Fictionkin, I do not care. However, I still think that the community is complete garbage. I wish I could say a small percent of Fictkins are toxic, but at this point it’s the majority.

Please read this whole post before reblogging or responding. I will not be naming any names or giving specifics of situations. 

Why do I think the community is toxic? Well, I have a lot of reasons. I’ve met many manipulative and awful people in the community as well as I’ve heard stories from friends.

1. It is almost impossible to talk to anyone in Discord servers without risking someone getting offended or upset.  These servers often have blacklists which can be added onto by users, no issue with blacklists. What’s the problem though? People blacklist things that make them uncomfortable or cause small amounts of anxiety. Blacklists shouldn’t be used for things that cause small amounts of anxiety. This results in blacklists being miles long and extremely specific. I’ve seen characters, colors, TV shows, and things you wouldn’t expect to be on one. I understand blacklisting things, I’ve had mental breakdowns over certain things. But if a blacklist is pages long, I’m not going to want to talk in there. I’ve seen people get upset at someone for triggering them despite them not blacklisting it.  Additionally, blacklists are either followed to the tea or not followed at all. I’ve seen moderators not give a shit about people talking about triggers openly without censoring them.  I once stated a fact on how people can easily be accused of something they didn’t do. I got banned. Why? Apparently I was attacking them. Cool. 

2. Speaking of moderators, they pick favorites.  If any drama happens, you better hope the moderators like you or you’re getting banned. In fact, if people in these servers don’t like you, hope you like being ignored and/or banned easily. This has happened to me in more than one instance. Moderators ban people that they don’t like if they have the smallest reason to. How do you get them to not like you? Well, if you’re not 100% positive all the time or have slightly differing opinions, they’re not going to like you. If you don’t agree with their opinions you’re seen as problematic. 

3. Pointless drama is pointless Every server I have been in has had drama. And as mentioned before, whichever person the mods like more doesn’t get banned. People act completely immature during these and will result in just insulting the other person. Drama is usually started over something completely stupid. You say something slightly controversial and drama is going to start. 

 3.5 No, that person wasn’t being racist/transphobic/homophobic/etc. The fact that I’ve seen people get banned from servers for apparently being “racist” is insane. One of my friends said they were white, and they were called racist for some reason and banned. Yes I’m serious. In one case, someone said they were Asian and they got banned. For what you ask? Oh, because apparently Asian’s are “dog eaters” and that person likes dogs so Asians are problematic. I’ve seen people get called racists over the smallest of things like hairstyles. If you agree with the “problematic” person you bet you’re getting banned too. 

4. No problematic kinnies uwu Ah yes, “problematic” kins. The “you’re not allowed here because you kin a fictional killer”. I find the whole concept completely dumb. If you kin a killer, that does not make you a killer. Also, apparently some murderer kins are problematic but some aren’t. I’ve seen someone kin a murderer, get called problematic, and another person who also kinned a murderer not get called problematic. Scar from the Lion King? Nah, he’s fine. Killing your brother and attempting to kill a child isn’t bad in the slightest. 

5. The word “kinnies” is not a slur.  Do not call this a slur. Fictkins are not oppressed. Slurs and insults are not the same. I know most believe it’s not a slur, but some do and that’s too many. 

6. Being an ass is fine as long as you have a mental illness! I’ve seen moderators excuse toxic and manipulative behavior because oh the person has a mental disorder. It’s not an excuse to be an asshole. Before you say anything, yes I struggle with mental illness. Yes I’ve almost snapped at people. But, I don’t. I’ve worked on myself to not be aggressive. People have started drama with others and went and vented about their personal issues and have gotten pity for it. All of their shitty behaviors were excused because they were sad. Do not enable people to be assholes. This may sound shitty to say, but having that mentality is harmful. 

7. Age range Fictkins tend to be 13-18. Which means the whole community is stuck in a teenage mindset. Even the 20+ people I’ve met act like teens. I don’t like teens now, why would I want to be in a community where everyone acts like one? It’s near impossible to have a conversation with these people and be civil. 

8. No DoUbLes “No doubles” AKA, you cannot be here if you kin the same character as me. People are going to kin the same characters as you.  I once saw someone join a server that had their kin on the list. Once that person left, the person who put that kin on the list started calling them names and being an ass (they were a moderator). Imagine if Therians or Otherkin were like that. Sorry cat Therians, I’m the only cat allowed here. 

Overall Thoughts The Fictionkin community is awful. I’ve seen enough things to make me want to not associate myself with anyone from it. Not every Fictkin person is like this. I am aware of that. But when I’ve seen so much shit from this community I don’t want to trust anyone from it. I’ve trusted the wrong people. I’ve felt more welcomed in the Therian community and don’t feel like I have to worry about pissing someone off.  I’m interested to know anyone else’s experiences with this community. If you want to message me feel free, my anon questions are turned on. 

#fictionkin #fictkin #discourse #kin #otherkin #rant #therian

[janabetweenbooks]

New Moon

*contains spoilers*

I’m absolutely mad, that much I can tell you. Three days ago I read the first five chapters, the day after I went to bed early so I didn’t read, but then yesterday I read the rest of the book. 20 chapter, over 430 pages in one sitting. I think I can see a new addiction forming.

This time around I didn’t take notes, so if this post is a bit chaotic I apologize, it’s the first time I put my thoughts down and I am trying my hardest to keep order in this.

Right off the bat: I hated that the Cullen’s were gone. I know that literally is the plot of that book and I won’t complain, but I found that Carlisle and Alice are my favorite characters and it was hard for me to not read about them, I actually think that is why I read that fast, so I could read about them as soon as possible again.

I’m going to say another thing before we really begin: I watched the movie first, because I knew I would go out of my mind if I didn’t know what would happen in the book, I know that because that’s what always happens when I read Cassandra Clare’s books. When you watch a movie you don’t have that much time to be mentally or emotionally upset over certain plot twists for that long, because the movie moves on (unless you pause it of course). I watched the movie to prepare myself (here again, I absolutely missed Carlisle as I’ve had the biggest crush on him the first time I watched the movies and that definitely hasn’t gone away, whoops, same goes for Alice and Jasper by now).

Now to the actual book. There is one scene that stands out prominently in my memory. It’s the one where Carlisle stitches Bella back up when she’s hurt herself (not the scene where she hurts herself in the first place, that is the key scene to the entire book but not what stands out most prominently in my memory). I think that is due to a fact I never really know how to put into words, I’ve tried before and felt like I didn’t do it justice, so let me try again. I think it’s very, well, you could say fascinating or even attractive, when someone just knows what they’re doing, when they’re very skilled at something. Like for example when a musician plays an instrument very well (or even puts a song together in the studio), or someone who is very skilled at handiwork. Or, as in this case, a doctor who knows exactly what they’re doing, like taking glass shards out of someone’s arm and stitching them back up (not gonna lie, I still have a phobia of doctors, but the fascination is there if it’s from a distance). There, I think I might have explained that better than the last time I tried. I think the bottom line here is: smart is attractive. I’ve mentioned that I had a crush on movie Carlisle, well yeah, that also extends to the book, which is very weird as I also have a crush on Alice and Jasper. A very weird situation I’m finding myself in.

Anyhow, that scene I enjoyed a lot for exactly that reason; Carlisle is very skilled at what he’s doing and that fascinates me time after time again. Also: the conversation they had while he was working was super interesting, just to put that out there.

But enough of me gushing over fictional characters now.

Let’s get to a debateable topic: how Bella handled the loss of Edward. Edward himself says it, he was surprised at how easily Bella believed him that he doesn’t love her anymore. She just took it. On the other hand, wouldn’t we all question ourselves if we thought we were so far out of the league of the other person and thought we didn’t deserve their love in the first place? Definitely a question to keep me busy for some time.

But now to the real debate: Bella’s reaction, or well, breakdown, after Edward left. I think everyone experiences loss differently. I, for one, thought her reaction was justified. I know a lot of people are complaining that she was so lethargic, that she overreacted and put herself in danger. But have you considered that we’re talking about the supernatural here? No one can know how this could affect a person, because it has never happened and will never happen (from a scientific standpoint of course). No one will be left behind by their vampire significant other because vampires, as far as humans are concerend, don’t exist. The only thing we’ve got to work with here is what we’re being presented with in the books.

An important part here is what Charlie says to Alice when they think Bella is still asleep. He tells her that Bella didn’t react like she was left behind by someone but as though someone had died. We know that Bella has an incredibly strong bond with Edward, that was established well enough in the first book (okay, maybe well isn’t the right word here, but it was established and that‘s what we’ve got to work with) and who knows if her reaction wasn’t natural. It at least seems very probable to me.

The gaping hole in her chest that didn’t seem to heal? Sounds perfectly logical to me, conisdering her bond with Edward. To that comes that loss and grief feels different to evey person, I dare say. I myself deemed it very accurate, but that’s just personal experience.

Hadn’t I watched to movie first I would have lost my mind when Bella and Alice tried to save Edward in Italy because I could have never known if they manage to (I mean, I’ve already seen the movies once and the books have been out for a long time, but I’m seeing this from ‘fresh eyes’ sort of here). It’s written well enough to keep you on your toes and that’s a win in my book.

I’m gonna say something else: It annoyed me greatly how stubbornly Edward tries to keep Bella human. He claims he loves her, yet he is willing to go enormous lengths to keep what she wants from her at all costs. They could be together forever and yet he would rather let her die one day and then commit suicide. To me that’s illogical, but what do I know.

I myself don’t want to be immortal, but would I say no to being a vampire? Probably not. Especially as it seems so easy to just die anyway, just provoke the Volturi and let them break your neck. Imagine all the time you had on your hands to read or play an instrument ;)

Overall I would give this book a full 5/5 rating. It was better than the first book in many ways and I am more than excited to see what happens next (at this rate I’ll probably be done with the entire series by the first week of May, whoops).

That concludes my thoughts for now, I’m kind of in a hurry anyway ;) I’ll watch Eclipse tonight and then start with the book :)

Have a nice day, stay safe and stay hydrated x

[swiftlymoniquesblog]

Crossing Parallel Lines-Sam Winchester x Reader: Chapter 4

Warnings: Angst, Sam being a douche (still) longing

A/N: Chapter 4! So glad to see everyone is into this story! Leaves me a very happy camper! Yes, Sam is still being a dick but he’ll come around; promise!

Requests are open for imagines or to be added to this tag list or my forever tag list!

Previous chapter can be found here

Masterlist is here

-Monique

“Oh my gosh, I remember now! I had this book of spells and lore and I found a spell that was supposed to take you to another time period and the next thing I knew, I ended up here!”

“You what?” Dean asked, trying to figure out what you just told him and after a long time of silence that floated around the Bunker.

“I uh, made a mistake.” You admit, looking down at the ground.

“Y/N, you have to be joking. You? You said a spell you read in a lore book and it worked? Do you know what you’ve just done? How dangerous this is? I mean, where? Where are you even from?” Sam had yelled at you, almost belittling you and you had never felt so small or seen anyone so angry before.

You spoke softly but said what was asked of you. “Do you remember that time when you two got sent to that world where there were people playing y’all on TV?”

“Yeah, those guys, Jensen and uh, Jared?” Dean asked, wondering where you were going with this.

“That’s right. Well, that’s where I’m from. I live in a world where you two are fictional characters. Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki portray you on a TV that has been on for the last 15 years almost. Starting from when you came back from college Sam, to help Dean find your Dad. That has been the show. Remember the conventions where people would dress up as you and meet people from the book series? That is all real in my world.” You explain to two very confused and angry Winchesters.

You look at the boys, both of them seem to be trying to figure out what happened and how you got here, and you sat quietly, keeping good distance between you and them.

Sam suddenly stood up and walked over to you, looked right down into your eyes, and walked off, without saying a single word. You wondered why he even bothered to look at you but then turned your attention on Dean. He had taken the news a little easier than Sam did; just taking you in for a hug.

“You, you’re not mad?” You say, pulling back a bit to look at him.

“‘M not mad sweetheart. Just, confused. And I’m worried about you. I mean, your family must be worried about you.” He says, looking at you with a soft smile.

“Actually, about that. I don’t really have family, at least not any who would care if I left. My Dad died went I was eighteen, my Mom had a mental breakdown and was admitted into an institution when I was nineteen. So, I have been left on my own since then.” You admit, completely being open to Dean.

That was what you loved about him. You could be honest with him and he would have your back no matter what. That to you is a true friend. Dean had slowly become your best friend. It’s been a month yet within that time frame, he was your number one supporter. Sam on the other hand, well you don’t know what his problem was. No matter what you did, he avoided you and pretended you didn’t even exist. So, imagine how that would change knowing the truth about you.

Sam’s POV

I knew I couldn’t trust her. She wasn’t a hunter and she wasn’t your average girl either, hell, she wasn’t even from here and I knew there was something off about her. She lied to us and made us think she didn’t remember who she was; I don’t buy it. From the day Dean brought her here, she didn’t even seem to have a head injury, yet her memory was wiped. How does that make sense? She, she wasn’t from here! She’s from a world where there are actors who play our lives on television and people dress as us at conventions where I guess they talk about us? That’s our lives, our private lives and people are still paying money to see people who pretend they’re us? I mean, it’s mindboggling! Out of this world bizarre! And we must pretend that everything is okay so that we can send her back? Why is this on us, huh? We have the freaking world coming to an end, again, and then, she, she shows up and throws everything off! I grab the closest thing to me I could find, a plant vase, and throw it on the floor. Unfortunately, this didn’t make me feel any better. So, I start throwing more things across the room; keys, pillows, books, papers. Anything that wasn’t expensive. Looked like a tornado blew through here.

What am I so angry for? Why is this bothering me so much? Is it because there is a female in my life again? Why does that even matter? I know how to act around women but this one. I can’t put my finger on it; she’s different. We haven’t had a female in the Bunker since my Mom died but someone I could actually…. no. I can’t think like that. Romance and me? Please, that doesn’t happen. If I fall in love with her, not that I’m saying I am, she would die within in a few days, maybe weeks if I’m lucky. I can’t do this to another person, especially someone like her. She… she is too fragile.

 Reader’s POV

I walk with Dean to the library and begin sorting through several books of lore to determine a way to send me back to my universe. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but we needed to figure something out. I couldn’t stay here as much as I may have wanted to and did I ever wish to stay.

Next chapter 

Forever tag list: @grace15ella @simpleboox @marvelfansworld @juju-la-tortue

Crossing Parallel Lines tag list: @fandom-princess-forevermore @lilulo-12 @hunting-the-grievers

#sam winchester #sam winchester x reader #sam winchester x you #angst

[shnowbilicat]

How kids ruin the internet

(This could get kinda long soo yee :’3)

It didn’t get past me that Sonic93, the famous/infamous ranter who did videos with Amy-Chan calling out DA peepz, got themselves in a huge drama of their own. Little Fun Fact: I actually wtched all of those vids and even liked them alot back in the day. Back then they were interesting, entertaining and I even started to stalk out Jane’s, previously known as Akai, Ink Bunny page to see what she would be up to.

But I always had a weird feeling in the back of my mind; I mean, alot of the things Sonic93, Amy-Chan and many more on YouTube said about Jane were ... weird to me.

For example, the thing about Sonic being not in character is confusing to me. People pointed out he’s not acting like the Sonic from the games ... so? Neither is my Sonic, he never really did back then, nor does he now and that’s totally fine. Everybody has their own Universe, if they like it or not, some things are different, even if you ‘stay in the canon���.

Or the fact that her own Sonic OC, formerly called Akai Dalia, looked like Amy. Bruh ... do you need glasses? Want mine? Cuz I can see the similarities, Akai is a female hedgehog with a magenta fur and green eyes... aaand that’s it.

I’m not really going much more into this, since that’s not the point of this here post. What I AM focusing  on is the aftermath about all that.

This is speculation, so don’t take these things as fact, but due to the rants on the following people, their lives changed very bad.

Jane changing her own character, left DA, before returning and having a huge warning that says that she won’t allow the name ‘Akai Dalia’ to be used on her.

Then there is Brandon, or YoshiWii1 for those who remember. After the rants he pretty much left the internet as a whole and had to deal with his mental health. Bruh, this dude can’t look at anything Sonic related anymore and that’s just sad.

Amy-Chan herself had to deal with Sonic93′s abusive relationship with her.

And Sonic93 has dug her own grave and refuses to think or learn about her mistakes. Her obsession for a fictional character is going to be her downfall, espacially if she lashes out on people because of her love for said character

Please make sure to look up any videos about this situation itself, since I’m horrible at sharing information :’3

In any case though, this really felt close to home actually. If anybody remembers my breakdown on DA about the Purple Man drama-situation-thingy.

tl;dr a very popular artist left the FNAF community because their version of the Purple Man got so popular and glorified that people started sending creepy and sexual messages towards their character,.

This though got even bigger and more horrible when people started to harrass other artists about their version of the PM. Mind you, alot of people really liked that version, which was a simple design considering that it hardly was any different than the sprites we see in the games, and started using it.

I was one of these artists. Now, I didn’t get harrassed exactly, though I wasn’t allowed to upload my own PM art to the biggest FNAF group on DA and got a couple of comments saying that Vincent ain’t canon or whatever. There was also that one time when someone grabbed a crossover AU thing, featuring Vincent as a skeleton from Undertale and putting it into a Reddit that’s all about making fun of ‘cringy’ stuff ... I can distinctly recall someone saying something along the lines of ‘ Why must failed abortions ruin the things I love?’ (I seriously looked up the post I made back then on DA and it’s still there, yay~, though now the Reddit seems to have called their tits and do some nice (???) stuff idk o3o)

At that time of all the PM stuff I was severly depressive, because of my own IRL reasons, so this ... this was heavy on me. Being scared to be called out, cancled for having a Purple Man,

I admit whole heartedly here; my Purple Man was based on that popular PM. I didn’t get around him afterall either, so inspiration was a requirement pretty much. I took the aspects of long, tied up purple hair and the name from that PM and of course alot of inspiration got to Vinnie’s Ghost design. But that’s it, after I made Vinc, I concentrated myself on my own FNAF AU, so I don’t even know what all happened in the fandom.

But I do see alot of people in fandoms going up to others and try to cancle them, say how much their wrong, without thinking or talking it out. Nobody, and I say NOBODY talked it out with me back in the day. The Admins of the DA group said to me that if I wanted my PM art on there, I had to change Vincent’s design. That’s it, no talking, no figuring out anything. It hurt that artist that people were creepy to this specific character and the rest, the innocents that are merely associated get to suffer for it.

Just back in June 2018 I got someone who argued with me about ‘Vincent’ being a nickname for William Afton, because they were very adamant that William is confirmed canon. I admit, I was really nervious talking to them and probably got really defensive too, but I  tried to explain to them that I’m an old fan and about AUs being a thing, but no, no resolution sadly.

And all of these things come down to this: Kids are stupid.

I’m positive that most of these people were and are kids. Kids who didn’t and still don’t know any better. Kids who follow their favorite creator without question, who don’t want to be part of the problem so they side with spreading the drama, kids who don’t understand that having canon characters act or look different is OKAY, kids who don’t know about AUs, kids who weren’t there, back some years ago when the community and fandom started.

So ... all my ramblings aside, I think this is unacceptable. Not trying to be understanding, being adamant, agressive and refusing to open their mind is killing fandoms and is one of the reasons any kind of fandom is toxic af.

After everything that has happened to me over the course of 11+ years on the internet, I ended up being anxious of talking to people, literally getting my anxioety and depression triggered by Purple Man art or just mentions, not being able to look up any fandom stuff of fear getting beaten down and much more.

Just little things can break down a person, so please be mindful and talk to people you think are ‘toxic’ or get ranted on or you think they made a mistake.

I’m still working on my own anxiety towards ‘negative’ comments about my Purple Man, even if it’s really tough for me. But I really REALLY don’t want anybody to go through things I did, or the things Jane and Brandon went through, or anybody else who got cancled because of their passions.

And to make my points clear one last time;

Let people have their own Universes. Let people have their own Characters. Let people enjoy themselves. Have an open mind.

Be NICE in your fandoms!

#vic rambles

[modern-oedipus]

Conflict post that got too long and title doesn’t match the rest because I didn’t plan to write so much

Please be honest: Do you think Conflict is an angsty fanfiction?

Despite the amount of sadness, suicidal tendencies, ptsd, panic attacks and even implied incest; I can’t bring to think that Conflict is angst. It’s just the story of two flawed boys falling in love in their most vulnerable moments and learning how to know themselves as they get to know each other.

It might be because I know the whole story, though, unlike the readers who know the first arc only. I mean... it’s perfectly fine however you interprwt their story. It’s not like I’m mad. I’m just surprised when I see things like “this is so sad!” I mean, yes, Ray is not going through best time of his life, but I think it is honorable. It’s honorable that he is trying his best, despite the depression blowing his mind. It’s honorable that Norman is trying to be a little honest with himself despite the chaos he is living in. It’s honorable that Emma sticks with Ray through thick and thin. It’s just characters trying their best, I don’t think it should be needlessly tagged as “angst” because I don’t think I write them that way for the sole reason of sadness. Rather, there is something I want to tell— something I want all of my readers to see.

But I can’t blame anyone since I haven’t written 3/4 of the fanfic yet. I haven’t shown you even a bit of the path I’ve already decided and mentally written for Conflict. I actually wanted to write Conflict tonight, but due to personal reasons I’m not feeling my best and despite my efforts to write Shotgun, I couldn’t write shit, and it won’t be good for my mental health to be in fiction today. Today I need my science and my facts (I say today but it’s 2.40 am and maybe I should sleep).

So, basically, I want to just SHOW by writing instead of giving leaks and stuff, but...

But...

You have no idea how much braining it takes to write Conflict.

Sure, I’m not a professional writer and there may be many better, smarter stories out there, but to me, personally, I put my best into Conflict. I give it all I have. I give it all my experience and everything I’ve learned until age of 21. It is a very condensed, artistic way of me talking about my life and experiences and observations throughout a fictional universe where it is not directly my life, but a world I try to represent in balance. So— to me, ever since I started writing first chapter I treated Conflict like my first book, I mean, sure it is a fanfiction but I thought “I’d give it a try as a hobby and if it goes well— if i can stick to it determined and if I get nice feedback and if people like it, this will give me strength to write a real book!” and BOY I got SOOO MUCH MORE THAN I’D EVER EXPECT, I even got FANARTS and people messaging me or commenting how much they personally relate or how much the fic helped them to go through bad days or how much they’ve seen themselves in Ray or Norman’s situations, and when I read those messages I can’t help but think all of you deserve to see the way Conflict builds up. You deserve to see how many times Ray and Norman are challenged, by themselves, by each other, and by society, and you deserve to see how they respond to them, and you deserve to see how much and how little of a difference it can make to have two people really love each other. Anyway, I went off topic, I was saying that, to me Conflict is a story I’m giving all I have got as the person I am today.

Other fanfictions of mine are moreee easy to write because they don’t have sovmuch in depth characters or complex plots and they are just that, fanfictions, in which I write a ship. But Conflict, man, I treat it like my real novel— which is technically one to me, though a non-profit one dedicated to the manga that really challenged me, and I have no regrets writing it or making it a fanfic. Anyway! Thing is, given the fact that Conflict is heavy, content and chapter length wise, I can’t always get to write it. I could, if this was summer, but this is collehe time and even though I really want to get going, sometimes I need to save Conflict for another time when I’m more available. Me publishing easy to write things like Shotgun doesn’t mean I’m available for conflict. The mental energy they take is A LOT different.

But it’s not in a bad-different way! I love both my fics! I have no regret over time and dedication I have for Conflict! I just, don’t have the time for it all the time, which can’t be helped.

It’s 2.49 am now. I really want to write conflict. First draft of chapter 16 was written two months ago. The scene is completed as a draft. But that scene includes a terrible pstd & panic attack about Ray and I just... /sighs/ don’t really wanna get in mood for something so gloomy? I wanna write more cute stuff like their awkward date on Shotgun... but I really want to keep Conflict going. I guess I’m terrified that given how fragile my mental health is right now, the content of Conflict might make it worse. I’d still proud to have finished a chapter. But thinking about writing about Leslie’s loss and its effects on Ray makes me shiver, because that’s a topic I’m sensitive of and although I almost never get affected emotionally from the ficsbI write (for example, I dont cry writing sad smiles neither do I smile a lot at soft scenes, I’m usually neutral and I simply enjoy act of writing itself) but the 1% chance that Conflict’s content might fuck with my mental health.. as if one last trigger before a breakdown, makes me want to stay a few steps back from Conflict and just breathe.

But I also somehow feel like I’m really available to write Conflict. I don’t know. Why do I care so much about Conflict, you may ask, since it’s just a fanfiction.

I think that’s because Conflict is the first real thing I’ve done (along with many other achievements that exactly started on the same day, July 1) after I got out of depression. It proves me that I can create something— get it visualized— and having people respond to it makes me feel connected to world. Remember the scene I wrote about Ray’s detachment to Emma’s calls? I’ve never gotten physically unresponsive like that, but there were times depression made me detached and to me that’s the scariest part... feeling detached. I feel as if I don’t post a fic for too long (assuming I’m in mood to write), or if I don’t go out/go to school/go to gym for too long, if I don’t meet up my friends or reply back to my texts for too long, I may get detached. If I get detached, I’ll think of dark, terrible stuff. If I don’t return world easily, it may easily slide into a depressed day. Or two days. Before I get back. And those one or two days are scariest because I’ve lived a YEAR worth of them, continiously, and god forbid me or anyone experiencing that. It was terroble.

So when I don’t write even when I want to, I feel as if I might get depressed. Not emotionally. But rationally— be being unable to do things I want to do EVEN WHEN I HAVE TIME AND SOURCES AVAILABLE FOR THEM would build depression up. I sm not saying right sway. Anyway. That’s why I care about Conflict. That’s why I’m staying dedicated. Dedication prevents detachment. When I’m not detached, and thankfully having readers interacting to me, I feel— or prove— that my work is reaching someone. I exist. My ideas mean something. Even if it’s just fan base, ie friends— I consider y’all friends— I mean, we are still kids, right? Most of us are 16-25 and that ain’t even real adult to me, we are just friends befriending each ofher oe so I believe, so like, even if its just with friends it means a thing. It prevents detachment. When I’m not detached I’m motivated. When I’m motivated I want to live. When I want to live I go out and do things. When I go out and do things I get motivated again. When I’m motivated again I write again. When I write I’m not detached. The cycle continues, see? Of coursw, writing is just ONE way to prevent detachment. It itself can’t carry all burden. Same goes for me regularly going to classes, going to gym, meeting up or calling my friends, etc. I’ve learnt that the more places you put a bit of yourself in, less likely you are from detachment. And that’s good. Idk, that’s why comments are important to me. It’s too personal at this point but they really, really, really help me to stay in connect.

So I want to write, so I can be happy, and I can interact, and look at my published chapter, so I can be further motivated to do things tomorrow... but it’s now 3 am and, I, if I start now I won’t be done earlier than 4.30 am and it’ll be cold and I’ll be brain dead, so for my sake, it’s better if I sleep. Msybe studying a bit before sleep will prevent detachment as well. I usually don’t EVER get detached, I’m quite successful at holding myselfnon line, but that’s bc I am careful about triggers. So... not starting conflict will be the best decision.

I don’t know how much time I’ll have in sunday but I hope it will be enough for a chapter update.

If you’ve read so far, thank you, this post went out of hand— but I can comfortably talk about it now because I’m over it, and I’m trying to rationalize the fact that me consistently updating really makes me happy and excited and having fun instead of feeling detached and it’s important and I just love my story and I hope you all feel content and satisfied when you read Conflict’s final.

#nila stuff #conflict #writing #personal #shotgun