#alfred fucks

[frownyalfred]

People are surprised alfred fucks, not because he's old, but because he's british

You’re 100% right anon, they’re way too polite and proper to do that

#batman #bruce wayne #dc #anon #asks #alfred fucks #alfred pennyworth

[gremlins-hotel]

I’m not the biggest statetalia fan but the idea of Alfred having 50 something “kids” just loose, wandering around, is pretty comical

it's objectively hilarious

but also, to the people that mess with statetalia and make the states alfred's kids, as in biological children as i've seen more than once before, you all imply that alfred fucks. you imply that he fucks severely. and that is a lot of power (and credit) to give this man. this also implies that they're all younger than him, which historically wouldn't be true. depending on your interpretations, some would be near his age, if not the same age or even older.

#callsign gremlin checking in #alfred fucks

[not-another-robin]

I think Alfred should have a cat friend

#her name is madam....... #narsposting #dc comics #batman #bruce wayne #alfred pennyworth #bruce thought he fucked up again #madam the cat

[spicy-apple-pie]

I think that Damian and Duke need to have more bonding moments

#the brothers ever #Duke fr Damian's favourite #fuck dick he didn't let Damian have ice cream for dinner one time #damian wayne #damian al ghul #damian wayne al ghul #damian al ghul wayne #duke thomas #batcow #alfred the cat #robin #damian robin #the signal #dc signal #dc batman #batman #batman comics #dc #dc comics #fancomic #batman fancomic #illustration #comics #clip studio paint #digital comics #digital art #digital illustration #digital drawing #digital artist

[spectral-honey]

AU where Jason gets his revenge by becoming a lawyer and getting joker sentenced to the death penalty

Bruce is conflicted about it but any time he tries to say anything on the subject Alfred just talks over him like "oh we're so proud of you master Jason you finished college and you didn't even use your father's extensive resources that could've easily gotten someone in this family a degree aren't we so proud master Bruce that Jason got himself a respectable profession--"

#jason todd #red hood #batfam #i also think it would be funny if thats literally the only thing jason does as a lawyer after that he just goes back to being a vigilante #everyone on the internet is like 'the iconic career of jason todd wayne: came back from the dead got a college degree got the joker- #-sentenced to death (finally) and then immediately fucked off to do whatever the hell it is he does for fun' #any time bruce and jason disagree jasons like 'excuse me which one of us is the college drop out and which of us is a practicing attorney?' #alfred 'you could have been a doctor but you became a furry themed vigilante instead' will never let this go #also btw jason just stole reasources from the league to get thru college. maybe at first talia was like what & then jason was like #'my alternate plan was to either get bruce to kill the joker or kill all three of us in an explosion' and talia is like #'okay. have fun at school sweetie' #BTW AN EDIT: this post is not reflective of my IRL beliefs about the criminal justice system or the death penalty #IRL those are way more complicated than gotham city/the joker/jason make it out to be #saw a few people tagging this post mentioning stuff about that

[kamwashere]

whoever runs the verified batman account in instagram needs their ass ate cause these are hilarious

#10000 CRIMINALS TERRIFIED IS CRAZY #365 days that would have been better with alfred #NOW WHY DID THEY GAG HIM LIKE THAT #you sent the joker once and for all 9 times 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 HELPPP #he’s getting out almost every month #what the fuck are you doing bruce #THE GENRES ARE SOOOO 😭 #gcpd scanner 😭😭😭😭 #amazing #topnotch #no notes #they go to the good omens school of social media marketing #batman #bruce wayne #the joker #tagging this as batjokes because why not #batjokes #dc #kamwashere

[batfamhyperfixation]

Batkid Groupchat

Dick: someone save me pls

Jason: What's wrong?

Dick: Gala at Wayne Manor

Dick: This guy won't stop talking to me

Jason: lol sucks to suck

Damian: Sorry Richard, I cannot attend to the situation. That would give up my hiding spot.

Damian: I meant vantage point.

Damian: If any of you tell Bruce, I will murder you.

Cass: Damian, look up

*sends photo of Damian in the rafters of Wayne Manor*

Damian: Ah, great minds think alike I see.

Tim: hold up Dick, I wanna get out of this conversation too, I'll be over in a sec

Steph: Can't relate

Steph: This is why you don't let the first billionaire who offers adopt you

Steph: then you gotta go to the stuffy parties

Steph: Duke and I are the only smart ones

Duke: Agreed, have fun at the party

Later at the Gala

*Red Hood and the Outlaws come busting through the door*

Red Hood: This is a hostage situation

Red Hood: We want Dick Grayson, Tim Drake, Cassandra Cain, and Damian Wayne.

Bruce, also desperately wanting to get out: Aren't you forgetting someone

Red Hood: Oh, right, Alfred Pennyworth

Bruce: aren't you forgetting someone else?

Red Hood: No

Bruce: Ja- Red Hood. Aren't you going to take me!

Red Hood: what would I need you for? I already have CEO of Wayne enterprises *ruffles Tim's hair, about to get fought by Tim* (under his breath: you fight back, I'm leaving you behind), a police officer, biological son of a billionaire, cool af dancer Cassandra Cain, and Alfred the Almighty

Bruce: don't you want a billionaire too?

Red Hood: If I take you, who is going to pay the ransom?

*Taking the Batkids and Alfred out of the gala as Bruce pouts*

Jason: one of you swipped Bruce's credit card before we left, right?

Tim: of course, we aren't amateurs

Jason: then ice cream on Bruce!

#steph and duke were already out in the car waiting #this was a team effort #they met up with babs at the icecream shop #the place was packed full specifically as a fuck you to Bruce #batfam #batkids #bat family #jason todd #bruce wayne #tim drake #damian wayne #dick grayson #cassandra cain #stephanie brown #duke thomas #jason todd and the outlaws #red hood and the outlaws #red hood #alfred pennyworth #they send photos from the ice cream shop to Bruce all night long #he grounds them all in the morning #Babs and Alfred claim they were only there 'for adult supervision' #but we all know it was for the icecream #incorrect batfamily quotes

[puppetmaster13u]

Prompt 74

When a new black-haired blue-eyed person appeared in the manor, one could easily be forgiven for thinking that Bruce’s adoption problem had struck again. So color many a batkid surprised that no, this kid isn’t a new sibling, no he didn’t get grabbed from the street, and actually he’s here for Alfred. Apparently Alfred never found it important to mentioned that he has a husband- that the kid kind of implies isn’t human what with the casual way he says he himself is half human- and that this kid is apparently their child. For once it’s Bruce’s turn to come home to a surprise sibling. 

Danny on the other hand just learned that his Clockpa has a semi-mortal partner who has offered to take him in, (in another dimension even! And there’s aliens!!) while the ancient takes care of some stuff at home. And yeah it’s in a rich-manor but Sam has proved that not all rich people are evil, and based off of Mr Pennyworth’s stories the Waynes weren’t bad either. Though based off of the others’ reactions perhaps he should wait to mention that there wasn’t one new family member but three…

#dcxdp #dpxdc #prompts #clockworth #Clockwork is taking care of the GIW #they crossed the line when they took his kids #fuck the observants telling him not interfere- he's going to channel some Kronos and eat some people #hey if they want a mindless and dangerous ghost they can deal with the one behind tales of a world serpent #Alfred is honestly pleased to hear from his partner and to meet their children #Reminds him of when he first met Clockwork and they took down a government branch #lovely times #would do the date again #Danny is in awe about food that doesn't fight back and tastes good #Alfred is also great! He teaches him proper gun safety and makes sure he gets a proper amount of sleep and its great #honestly he can't wait for Ellie to get to this world but she really wanted to finish exploring the mariana trench first #And Jordan is apparently helping Clockpa with something for the last bit of his probation #Jazz is just happy for him but sad she couldn't come #but she has college that she worked really hard for so he gets it #the batfam are so confused and concerned

[jarro-stan-account]

Bruce gives Jason the mother of all lectures when he finds out about the BOMB in his son’s helmet. It’s three hours long. The PowerPoint has a seemingly infinite amount of slides.

But as time goes on, Bruce keeps thinking about it, and… well, he can’t keep it out of his head. It was absolutely way too dangerous for Jason of course, and he’d never allow his other children to do it, but the Bat’s secret identity cannot be revealed. If it was, it’d put his kids in danger. Nothing is more important than his kids’ safety.

He could make it safe. Make the explosion just large enough to obliterate his body and make him difficult to identify. Maybe it’s actually… a good idea?

3 months later: The Cave Medbay

Jason: Okay old man, easy, that’s it. Two broken arms, huh? Always an overachiever. Let’s get that cowl off you.

Bruce: Don’t.

Jason: Stop your worrying, I know how to avoid the gas and shock system in the cowl.

Bruce: You can’t, because. Because.

Jason: Because…?

Bruce: because I put a bomb in it

Jason: *screams*

6 months later: The Bat Computer

Jason, waving at the cowl blueprints: Bruce. What the fuck is this

Bruce: It wouldn’t kill me

Jason: This is face-melting acid, Bruce!

#In conclusion this entire family is fucking insane #Alfred is in hell #dc universe #batman #bruce wayne #batfamily #jason todd #red hood #batdad

[rad-batson]

Batlantern Headcanons Because I Found My New Brainrot and I Cannot Contain Myself (Platonic or Romantic, You Decide <3)

Hal is the only one who gets away with calling Bruce nicknames. Oliver tried calling Bruce “Spooky” once. He still has nightmares.

Several long-winded missions combined with Hal’s couch-surfing escapades have resulted in Hal having his own official Wayne guest room.

Alfred has smacked Hal with a dish towel several times. Reasons include: trying to wash the dishes, using a mini vac that he brought from home, and spitting gum into the garbage without wrapping it in a tissue first.

Tim gave Hal all of their streaming passwords to piss Bruce off. Hal proceeded to make his own profiles because he fears nothing, so Bruce changed all of his profile names to “Parasite.” Since then, it’s turned into an all-out war of renaming Hal’s profile every time they’re using it.

Highlights so far have included Sugar Baby, Freeloader, Ring Pop, Green Abomination, Magical Girl, Noisemaker, The Better Side Piece, and This is Your Official Eviction Notice Hal. (Bruce still hasn’t changed the passwords.)

Hal: You need to let go of your fear, Bats. Let’s do a simple breathing exercise. Bruce: I am breathing. Hal: No, like calming breaths. Follow my lead, okay? In- no, not that fast. Maybe close your eyes first. In…and out-No. No. Are you having a panic attack? Do I need to call someone?

For one mission, a few other JL members had to go undercover as couples. Bruce and Hal were the spares and paired up out of necessity. To everyone’s surprise, however, they were the most convincing duo because they “bickered like an old married couple.”

Bruce: I’m growing soft, Clark. I’m weak now. Clark: You told Hal ‘Good job.’ What’s wrong with that? Bruce: It’s unprofessional! *in the other room* Hal: I think Batman just confessed his undying love to me.

They have each other’s coffee orders memorized and regularly prepare the other’s coffee for them out of habit when they’re together.

After a while, Hal stops playfully flirting with everyone and reserves it only for Bruce because he gives the best reactions.

At a ‘Thank You, Justice League’ party hosted by Bruce Wayne, Hal slips up and flirts with Bruce in his civvies, only for Brucie Wayne to flirt back without missing a beat.

Hal had to go cool down in the bathroom for a few minutes. He was not ready for that. (Bruce is so fucking smug too. He’s been waiting FOREVER to give Hal a taste of his own medicine.)

Hal, introducing Bruce to the Lantern Corp: This is my pet bat. Careful, he bites.

Bruce, introducing Hal to new JL members: This is my partner. He’s been in training for ten years.

During an important strategy meeting, Hal waves his hand around, and Bruce just sighs. “What now, Lantern?” “Your plan of attack has like four holes in it.” “Where?” Hal gestures to the areas and suggests different strategies, and suddenly Bruce is like Does anyone else think it’s hot in here?

He lies in bed that night contemplating every single life event that’s lead up to Hal Fucking Jordan turning him on with his impeccable battle strategy.

Barry: I think Batman’s mad at me. He didn’t even react when I told him about the great rescue mission from last week. Hal: What do you mean? He was smiling the whole time. Barry: His face didn’t move an inch. Hal: You didn’t notice the lip twitch?

Batman has blackmail material on every single Justice League member, but only Hal has blackmail material on Bruce and the guts to use it. (Hal knows Bruce gets pedicures for fun. And he gets little designs on his toes too.)

Arthur: So when did you and Green Lantern start….you know. Bruce: No, I do not. What did we start? Arthur: You know what?! I think I forgot to walk my fish. Bye!

*Barry sees Hal with a hickey while they’re drinking coffee* Barry, jokingly: Did Bruce give you that? Hal: Yes, actually. How’d you know? Barry, backing away frantically: Oh okay, cool! Okay okay. Cool. Cool cool cool. Okay. Bruce, entering: What’s with him? Hal: I don’t know. He doesn’t seem to like the mug you bought me, though.

The JL has a betting pool called “BatLantern FMK” where they bet on which will happen first: will they fuck, marry, or kill each other?

Only Clark, Diana, and J’onn know that one of them happened already

#batlantern #they're made for each other your honor #batman lives through fear and hal has NO fear #did they fuck their feelings out marry for convenience or kill each other in an alternate universe you decide #batlantern are my little blorbos #i will die on this hill #bruhal #batman #green lantern #bruce wayne #hal jordan #dc #justice league #dc universe #dc comics #brucie wayne #alfred pennyworth #tim drake #oliver queen #barry allen #clark kent #j'onn j'onzz #diana prince #arthur curry

[qcomicsy]

I am in my angst today so I'm going to drop a few of ansty Batfam headcannons.

- Bruce till this day do that father thing of open the door of his kids room to see if they're sleeping and then closing (even when they're just visiting).

- The first time he did that to Tim, Tim pretended to be asleep and then he just started sobbing because Jack used to do the same thing too, and his mother before him.

- Dick, when he moved out of the manor, still would use the Batcomputer to do research from time to time. Everytime he slept on from tiredness he would woke up with Batman's cape on his shoulders.

- No one knows Bruce has a good singing voice other than Dick and Jason because he would sing to their sleep, sometimes, when they had nightmares.

- He stopped singing when Jason died. The only person who was able to hear him sing again was Damian. He pretended to be asleep, because if he opened his eyes he would noticed how much he misses his mother.

- Jason singed to Damian sleep once at the league. None of them remember that.

- Damian tries constantly to assure himself that he could take down every member of his family if he needed to. Deep down he knows he can't.

- Bruce spent weeks trying to master how to cut someone's hair ( with Alfred's help ) so he could give Dick a haircut, because Dick said to him that his mother used to cut his hair.

- Bruce taught every single one of his sons how to shave their beard.

- Bruce had a mental breakdown once because he was starting to forget his mother's face.

- Cass overanalyze everyone's body language to see if they're healthy and happy. She tries to stop herself sometimes because more often the answer is no.

- Sometimes Tim flinches when Jason moves to fast near him. They never talked about that out loud.

- Sometimes Damian's hand tremble when he grabs his sword, he can still feel the blade.

- In one of Dick's worst fights with Redhood the moment he got home he threw up. His brother's eyes used to be blue like his and not green.

- There was a time where Jason was so happy that Bruce's blue eyes were the same shade of his.

- Bruce's hands still tremble when he sees his children on the battlefield.

- Bruce has a habit of messing with his children's hair, every single one of them picked the same habit after him.

- When Dick moved out to the Titans Bruce couldn't sleep for weeks.

- Jason avoids to change clothes in front of his brothers because of the face Dick made when he saw his autopsy scars for the first time.

- One time Jason had a panic attack and misdialed Tim's number, Tim stayed on the line until Jason managed to sleep.

- There's times where Bruce says the word Robin and all of them look at him.

#batfam hc #Batfamily headcannons #I'm *IN* my feelings so *EVERYONE* must suffer too #'oh but in the cannon' I don't care leave me alone #the source is that I made the fuck up #batfamily #batfam #jason todd #tim drake #bruce wayne #cassandra cain #damian wayne #alfred penyworth #dick grayson #jack drake #DO *NOT* TAG THIS AS BATCEST I swear tO GOD-

[frownyalfred]

what do you mean Alfred wasn’t the secret third person in Martha and Thomas’ polycule

#bruce wayne #batman #dc #batfamily #alfred fucks #alfred pennyworth #Martha waybe #Thomas Wayne #Wayne family #thoughts

[articianne]

this is literally what fe engage feels like

#marth #alear #fire emblem engage #fire emblem #maralear #alfred bby #diamant bby #fe engage #articianne art #my hero king #my divine dragon #the brainrot is so fucking real idk what i'm gonna do when im done with the game #marlear

[not-another-robin]

These felt combinable to me

#i think 'what the fuck richard' would be a common bat phrase #plot twist: its not referencing the vine #they're quoting the only time they've heard alfred swear #narsposting #dc comics #batman #dick grayson #jason todd #red hood #nightwing #batfam #batfamily

[jaeryale]

Bat dad with his league of assassins murderous son

Lets hope that the bat duck tape is strong

Quick batfam doodles are my new obsession enjoy!

#batman comics #bat #batman and robin #batman #damian wayne #robin damian #damian al ghul #supersons #chaotic good #batdad #superhero #superbat #bruce wayne #bruce is so done #batfam headcanons #alfred pennyworth #dc #dc robin #dc fanart #dcu #dc comics #dc universe #doodle #colored sketch #colored doodle #doodlysketch #disfunctional family #silly little guy #fuck canon #bruce is a good dad

[jotaroslooseeyebrowhair]

I’ve had this idea in my head for days now and it just won’t LEAVE so here have scraps

So we know those de-aged au’s with Danny right, and the ones where Jason adopts him? YESSSSSS so anyways the thing that’s been ravaging my brain like an anteater on crystal meth is:

So all night has been pretty shit for Jason. Drug dealers, a couple muggings (who even goes out anymore in crime alley, at this time of night???????) and some human traffickers. You know, the usual. So anyways he’s pissed. Not to mention when he comes across some bastard who’s beating his family, jason promptly broke his legs in a couple new ways he liked. Later, deep into the night he’s already seeing a bit of green around the edges and he’s already called in dick to cover some areas while he cools off, so, naturally, as it is in crime alley, something goes horribly wrong that gets him pissed. Beyond pissed. He sees green and only when dick drags him away does he see some red too. A lot of red.

Fuck.

Well, he knows exactly what he has to do, so he pushed dick off of him and starts roof-hopping over to his apartment (where did his bike go?) and dick calls in the others thinking Jason’s going for more weapons/ammo or smthn, and Jason gets to his lil place and carefully opens a window, trying to be quiet because even though he’s in a killing mood he doesn’t want to wake Danny up, what kind of monster would do that?

Anyways Jason’s taking a moment with his helmet off, leaning his arms against the counter to calm himself down taking deep breaths he learned from Danny yes okay he learned from his son when Tim and dick crash through and Jason gets a little more pissed because those assholes probably just woke up Danny!

So here’s Tim and dick wrestling with Jason to get his weapons off of him and calm him down when all of a sudden the lights flick on and there’s a little boy, around 6, with a messy mop black hair and loose space-themed pajamas, rubbing his eyes as he clearly just woke up. everyone freezes in place and Danny looks around, his eyes adjusting to the light before he looks at Jason and–

“Dad? What’s going on?” He asks so innocently with a tilt of his head. While his brothers are stunned to silence Jason shrugs them off as hard as he can (they woke up his son) and walks over to Danny. Dick and tim lurch foreward but Jason just picks up Danny and places him on his hip. Danny reaches forward and carefully pulls off his dads domino and holds it in his hand while he frowns. “Green monsters are being angry again?” And Jason just sighs with his son (his son!!) in his arms and looks at danny; dick and Tim now seeing the green almost completely gone from his eyes.

“Yeah bud. No big deal though, alright? The green monsters are all gone now. So come on, it’s past your bedtime Danny.” To which Danny groans and he turns to look at the two others in the room who are bewildered as fuck because does Jason have a kid????? W h e n?? H o w??? Okay they know how they really don’t but that’s not the point

Anyways they stand there for a minute while Jason puts Danny to bed and when Jason comes back out he stares at them in silence. Then he just *sighs* and stares them dead in the eyes “yes, I have a kid. Yes, he quiets the pit. Yes, it’s past his bedtime. And yes,” Jason cocks his gun, “you both will be getting out of my apartment. right now. Silently.”

Yeah, they guess questions can wait till tomorrow

Link to the fic :)

#dick is just excited to meet his nephew #Tim is thouroughly confused as to when Danny happened #word of Danny spreads through the family like wildfire and they all come over to see Danny #he’s a little shy at first but his aunts and uncle can do BACKFLIPS so it’s okay :) #Bruce is beyond bewildered that he has a grandson but by god if he isn’t gonna spoil the fuck outta that little blue eyed bastard #Alfred is ESTATIC #dc x dp #dp au #Jason Todd adopts Danny #danny phantom #jason todd #Jason Todd dad au