#addictsinrecovery

[devinetheory-2]

No one knows what it is like

to love like I do

To hurt like I do

Burnt down

by the pheonix flames

And thru the smoke and mirrors

My eyes can't seem to find you

I mean who really

goes thru what I do

Liable to slide through

Unexpected

To tame the reckless

To bring a smile

If only for a few seconds

To bring calm to the storm

To take your breath away

We were supposed to make it

Not make it seperate

When The past chases fast

with that machete

and jason mask

And it seems like theres no safe direction

Please remember that life is precious

And proportionate directly

To our efforts

Its ok. I still imagine me holding you

Regardless of what my soul been through

Its the hardest trying to pull through

When everyone only sees you as the old you...

And the rest wont be satisfied

Until they control you

Have you dig your own grave

And could save you but

Would rather console you

Without you I am blind

Lost in my own mind

Lines down my wrist

From missed attempts

But Im fine

And Ive convinced you

this time of this

She would die for me

but would she survive

And why am I in front

And shes seems to be

behind the 5th

I lost her...

And finally realized

she was never mine

and I screamed so loud

I thought the sky had ripped

- Devine Theory

#writerscreed #spilled poetry #13cupsofteareblog #spilled words #twcpoetry #bad love #poetry #writeblrina #quotes #addictsinrecovery

[missjessaree]

Mavyret Day two:

Not sure if I clarified before, but I chose to take the medicine at night in hopes of avoiding any side effects. My first dose was Sunday night... anyway,

Today I woke up feeling okay and a couple hours into working I started feeling kind of weird and light headed, I started feeling really tired and achey. I can’t really pin point this on the mavyret to be honest. I work outside all day and for whatever the reason the pollen is horrendous this year so far. So I felt more and more crappy by noon, had a little nausea but I felt a little better once I ate, still didn’t feel great but a lot better towards the end of the day. I’m really not even sure why I felt the need to share this day by day, maybe it’s because I was really scared to take it and I am still nervous. But I hope it can help someone. I eat dinner and take the 3 pills about 10 or 15 minutes later. I drink a bottle of water with it. I also drink water consistently all day long, not only because I work outside in the heat but also because I have learned over time (with being someone who refused to drink water in the past) that I feel better both mentally and physically when I drink plenty of water. Anyway, not too much going on today for certain. I just took my third dose and about to catch some sleep! Goodnight blogger friends 🙏🏼

#recovery #addiction #recovering addict #addictsinrecovery #we do recover #mystrength #myexperience #my hope #my journey

[wildnbitch-blog]

To my Father

Nearly 20 years ago, I made you a father. I was supposed to be your baby girl, I should’ve made the light bulb click on in your head, I was supposed to be the thing that helped you figure it all out.

You were supposed to protect me from harms way, kiss my owwies, you were supposed to look under my bed and look in my closet to make sure there weren’t any scary monsters hiding away. You were supposed to beat up anybody who made me cry, or broke my heart.

You were supposed to be my hero, but instead you were my villain.

All my life, for as long as I can remember, it was like you were a figment of my imagination. I saw pictures of you, heard stories about you, but you were nowhere to be found.

You were selfish with your time, and I obviously didn’t make the cut. I remember the last time I vaguely remember seeing you, you asked me where I wanted my name tattooed on your body. But why would you tattoo someone’s name on your body whom you know nothing about? That was the ONE promise you kept to me. You got my name tattooed. So congrats for every curious person who’s asked you about it, but what do you even tell them? How do you tell a person “it’s my daughters name, but she’s more of a stranger to me than you are.”

My entire life I wondered about you. Where you were, what you were doing, I wondered if you thought about me as much as I thought about you. Finally, I had come to terms with not knowing you, and I was okay with not knowing you for the rest of my life.

But I guess you weren’t. 2016 was the year you decided you wanted to know me. You tried your hardest to talk to me but I wasn’t budging. And then I finally did. I wanted to know who the other half of my DNA was. And so our relationship started, and you were my best friend. The greatest man I knew, and I was so proud of who you were, the smile never faded from my face.

And then everything changed and you went back to your old ways. And I followed in your footsteps. I just wanted you to notice me. I wanted you to pick me. But you picked the drugs, so I picked them too. And when you found out, you didn’t scold me. You used with me. I took it farther and farther, hoping you’d see the monster you created and maybe then you’d get clean. But the farther I went, the more accepting you became.

I started shoving needles in my arms just to try and get your attention. To try and make you see just how “okay” I really was. But the truth is, the more high I got, the more invisible I felt. All I wanted was for you to want me the way that you wanted to get your high.

Well congrats “Dad”. The only thing you ever taught me was how to be an addict, and God you were good at it.

#addiction #recovery #addictsinrecovery #anopenlettertoanabsentparent #clean #sober #sad #powerful #deep #poetry #letter #mystory

[scarletstransformation-blog]

#staystrong #mentalhealth #fighting #addictsinrecovery #mentalillness #mentaldisorder #borderline personality disorder

[devinetheory-2]

Staring at you down the bridge of my nose...

Through lenses that seem to magnify your raw beauty....

Breakfast is

Hot french vanilla and newspapers

I see you struggle within your chains

Held captive between the confines

of your own prose...

Forehead crinkled in deep concentration

A breath escapes your lips...

Mild envious frustration....

For me everything just flows

Theories of our divination

She radiates Mount Olympus energy

Mild mental callisthenics

For her heaven is a fresh brewed pot

A new book

A twisted plot

A revelation.

For me, heaven is right here

In this spot

Watching you be you

My Heart races

In simplistic thought

I couldn't move if I wanted to

I'm simply caught.

- Devine Theory

#writerscreed #13cupsofteareblog #spilled poetry #twcpoetry #poetry #spilled words #quotes #writeblrina #addictsinrecovery #devinetheory2 #love

[devinetheory-2]

I warned you....

It's a storm coming

Tears running

Like the rain

From the pain

Thats pouring thru

Life constantly

testing the formula

For my fortitude

It's almost like the people in my life

Are cool

Until they're through

And can see through you

all the way to the disorders

and then it's almost like

they sort of orphan you

Without you

I really don't have

Much more to lose

And I've never

loved anyone more than you

And we really can't

Afford to ignore the truth

Or let bad fortune

Continue to torture you

You have always been

my whole world

My Florida moon

Used get high

hop in my spaceship

And make it

orbit you

Used to want to get old

And watch life go forward

On a wraparound porch

While temperatures reach a scorching 104

on the 4th of June

Unusual but beautiful

Like an Orchid bloom

So much more

So adored

Came a long way

From the street

sleeping in that 4 door

ford with you

stealing from Stores

cause we couldn't afford food

Needing more

But somehow finding

Comfort in just

being there for you

-DT

#writerscreed #13cupsofteareblog #spilled poetry #poetry #spilled words #bad love #twcpoetry #writeblrina #addictsinrecovery #quotes #bpdawareness #devine theory 2 #DevineTheory

[devinetheory-2]

You have to keep swimming....

You have to... people love you.

People depend on you.

You are light in this world.

You are love and you are loved.

Your presence has value.

You HAVE to keep swimming.

Because I promise you...

and promising is something I rarely do...

You will laugh again.

You will smile again.

You will love again

You will cry again.

This moment....

THIS moment.... in this darkness that you have found yourself in will not last forever.

I know it may FEEL like it...

But feelings are rarely facts...

And the sun will rise again.

You will see a light again...

You will rise again.

Just keep swimming...

Just keep moving

You don't have to do anything in these moments but just be.

One breath at a time....

One broken heartbeat at a time.

One tear at a time.

Battling the intrusive thoughts,

One whispering lie at a time.

Yes, I know this place.

I have been taken here against my will...

And of my own accord at different times in my life.

I found myself here recently....

But YOU DO NOT QUIT.

You move through

Because that's what you do.

You fight because that's all you've known.

You fight because your moment of monumental growth is just beyond this current struggle.

You fight because giving up now would make no sense you're invested...

Don't forsake all you've worked for for these moments that WILL pass like the black clouds of a cold dark thunderstorm.

The whispering lie will tell you this is forever and you have to escape and there's only one way out.

But that's simply not true.

I happen to know a little bit about this darkness...

This evil mistress attempting to seduce me to her way.

it doesn't matter if you're tired...

if you're weak

if you're afraid...

If you're broken

Addicted

Enslaved

You keep BEing,

HEART BEATING,

BREATHING

One moment,

one beat

one breath at at time.

Because that's all we have sometimes....

But we have that

and as long as we have that

there's hope.

so be, tired, weak and afraid...

But you don't stop until you're through it.....

and I know fear....

There has been nothing that I fear in this life...

NOTHING more paralyzing

More crippling

NOTHING that I find more terrifying

or challenging.

Cunning baffling or powerful

Than the darkness that I have somehow given this power to,

that stirs within me.

But LOVE conquers all.

Yes, I fear the darkness

As I have let it take me before.

But I refuse to lose.

I am ready for war

It cannot have me.

Devine Theory

#suicide #suicidewatch #suicideprevention #selfharm #self love #its going to be ok #hold on #love conquers all #fear destroys love #be unafraid #13cupsofteareblog #writerscreed #twcpoetry #poetry #addictsinrecovery #bpd awareness

[devinetheory-2]

Life and all its woes

lately been feeling....

So Broke though

So Provoked by the lies

That seem to so easily

glide seemlesly

From your throat

Soul so sore

Fell...and Im so close to hell

Both Bare knees

on the Cold floor

I refuse to lose myself

So I choose you No more

Confused...?

I thought we were supposed

to die together

But I know.....

Ive been to your show

I watched you perform

And had all the chaotic storm

That I can weather.

We fell together

we tried to rise together

But because of the lies

Secrets between the heartbeats

The stars keep

Between sleepless nights

Inside I'm dying trying to justify

How to say bye forever...

Because of what I allowed

I been getting higher

Than anything

in the sky could measure

Miles of extra

Heavens design

I confess i tried to profess

My undying love

Thought I could be enough

If I could get ya.

Under all kinds of pressure

Because you say you want to love me

But with the things you've been thru

And the things you would get into

I guess your untreated mind won't let ya

And im not trying lecture

Im simply giving up

because I just don't give a fuck anymore

Thinking if I can get high enough

Maybe my mind

can try and forget ya

But it will be tough

Love bombed

and Trauma bonded

Branded never enough

Until the time my state of mind

Finds that Im in a stretcher

And you're kinda special

I just wish it coulda been different

And I didn't have to convince myself

it's not a lie i been living in

Lines down my wrist

From all the missed attempts

A silent knight

An epidemic amongst men

That have lived through

This kind of plight

And noone bothered to find out

If I was alright

So it would seem

I survived my life

Just so I Could go die In prison

Nightmare's are nightly

And kind of vivid

I wish I could give a f*** but

But Im kinda behind

And really need

to mind my business

Plus I got no time to give it

and I wish I could say at some point

in this life of mine

that I've been living

just trying to survive

If I could only shed this weight and fly

Maybe thrivefor a minute

if only for a time

Trying to stay alive with it

and I wish I could vibe with ya

Because honestly

Sometimes

I kind of miss it

Dying inside

While being hurt and lied to

while I'm trying to make

the right decision

And I was never trying to dismiss ya

But you want a feeling

And I want something real

And that's how I define the issue

So much pain inside

And I'm sorry I don't have the patience

or the time to divide it with you

And I am battle scarred from trying

to fight the source of the lies

That lie within you

- Devine Theory

#writerscreed #13cupsofteareblog #spilled poetry #twcpoetry #poetry #spilled words #bad love #writeblrina #quotes #addictsinrecovery #break up #devine theory 2 #devinetheory2

[devinetheory-2]

And it's only been days

Without You

In a rage and hostile

I'd move on without a fight

But I just don't know how to

Brave but illogical

I've been caged

So an escape is impossible

These days I been lost to you

Plagued

by the thought of you

And I cant see at all

Gifted with the vision

To see you in my stars

And I stretch out as far

As I can reach

But can't seem

to reach them all

Misunderstood

Underestimated frustrated

And close to poppin off

And dropping off the radar

But my essence always answers

When your body calls

Unpleasant isnt it

When cognitive dissonance

visits

Your stomach

And the residual energy

Just sits in the pit of it

And I can read people

But wish I was illiterate

And there is no benefit

When somebody falls

I mean...

Why say fall for

When clearly I aim to elevate

Truth seeker

So I tell it straight

Push your spells

into the aether

Expell the hate

Make it loud

So it resonates

Life squeezed me

I gave it lemonade

Not minute maid

I never been afraid

But you're lying to yourself

if you think you havent been a slave

They didnt give us freedom....

......They just made us

......a bigger cage

DT

#writerscreed #13cupsofteareblog #twcpoetry #spilled poetry #bad love #poetry #spilled words #quotes #writeblrina #addictsinrecovery #devine theory 2

[devinetheory-2]

Throw Away Sessions

I keep waking up

To the sound of her heartbeat

it's dark where all my scars meet

Behind these bars that guard me

And I can hardly breathe

Why begin

When everything ends

In tragedy

And it's so sad to see

Love fall

To gravity

Grabbing me

Dragging me

Savagely

Fuck it all

There were to be none

After me....

Cosmic stardust

Spread throughout the galaxy

Past the blasphemy

Through the veil

I had to see the magic leave

As my angel fell from heaven

And landed tragically

I could see through the danger

And the sadness and the anger

I removed the mask opened my heart

And witnessed Gods masterpiece

- Devine Theory

#writerscreed #13cupsofteareblog #spilled poetry #twcpoetry #poetry #spilled words #bad love #quotes #addictsinrecovery #writeblrina #devine theory 2

[devinetheory-2]

Was a time I loved...

the fall too

My body still calls to you

If you're the problem

Let me solve you

Dissolve into me

As I absolve you

Of any wrongs

I would hold onto

And guide you in the back door

through any trap doors

you might fall through

Love is not just a feeling to me

Its still real to me

As my frozen tidal wave falls

Eventually I'll love all of you

But you haven't really tried at all

And its just like me

To still follow through

As I don't do today

Even tho, I know

what waiting

for tomorrow will do

As I try to maintain

Through the pain and the sorrow

Feeling dazed

afraid

calandar days scratched off

feeling like ive been attacked

By a rabid pack of dogs

Please don't let my lack of

commitment and fear

of being alone

in this world full of drones

Swallow you...

Drugs...

Getting high

was the only thing

that never let me down

I placed the love

above the drugs

so there wouldn't be

such a cosmic due

After you pushed me

in the water

and Let Me Drown

Thinking you could push them

deep down

Into this hollow you.

So losing all of me

Wouldn't be

Such a bother to you.

....

- Devine Theory

#13cupsofteareblog #writerscreed #twcpoetry #spilled poetry #poetry #bad love #spilled words #writeblrina #quotes #addictsinrecovery #devinetheory2 #Devine Theory 2 #Devine Theory

[devinetheory-2]

Because I have preached this

Unholy mantra

on the days that you

didn't want to continue.

I have practiced this

Honor

in the face of uncertainty

I have given up everything

in the service of others,

when they only had intentions

of hurting me....

I've been in search of myself

in places that I would have never,

could have never been.

I have lost myself

found myself

And lost myself again.

I have paid the cost

for the company I've kept

And been left in the company

of some strange

And intense friends

Once upon a time,

the means

were justified by the ends

I have sacrificed mine,

to save a life....

Only for theirs to just end..

I have sought truth where it didn't exist

and searched the infinite abyss within

until I found conviction.

Cloudy intentions

all on this quest to be happy.

In the end,

please don't be mad at me

As this shell fades

from this matrix place

And startes to atrophy

My habits and addictions to this life,

fear of the sun

and creatures of the night

have captured me,

They say it sad to see

How I seemingly gave up

with no strength left to fight this gravity,

ignite the savagry,

hoping I will submit and die rapidly

Through these tragedies

Midnight blasphemy,

My pen writes with blood

from the wounds in my soul

To craft this masterpiece

where my walls seem to be

closing in on me

Broken grin on me

I tell them try catching me

as I run through the smoke and mirrored halls

of their lie factory

The mad hatter

laughing back at her

my head still detached from me

until while looking in the mirror

for the answers

to the questions

I keep asking me

And my reflection pointed back at me.

I think my struggles sometimes

were joined at the knee

soulless lack of loyalties

relationships spoiled

over so called royalty

cashed $80k checks

and made makeshift beds

on the floor to sleep

out of breath

after narrowly avoiding arrest

having to steal from stores to eat.

I've held them until their last breath

and the light that used to inspire my life

was drained from their eyes.

I've fallen in and out of love

so many times

with the same God I once despised.

My tongue has killed

and saved lives over time

as the tongue speaks

death and life

and I've watched

powerless

praying with everything inside

God's breath will make her chest rise...

and I could feel the warmth of her touch

and hear her voice

just one more time.

I've tried to rise and fell

But I've always tried.

I've fought the devil for my soul,

jury's still out

But I don't give up

and I don't die well.

It ain't hard to tell

that if anything in this world could kill me.

It would only be myself.

Because I've survived everything else.

- Devine Theory

#writerscreed #13cupsofteareblog #spilled poetry #twcpoetry #spilled words #poetry #bad love #quotes #writeblrina #addictsinrecovery #devinetheory2 #atlasconsiderations #atlascreations #3 am poetry

[devinetheory-2]

And should the worst happen...

.... I don't want any other words

to have escaped my lips

as the last words

that you would hear from me...

To be anything but

.................... I love you...

- Devine Theory

#writerscreed #13cupsofteareblog #twcpoetry #spilled poetry #spilled words #poetry #bad love #quotes #writeblrina #addictsinrecovery #trauma #loss #coping with death #dealing with grief #grief

[devinetheory-2]

I wasn't going to post this. I wrote this for @poeticjustic right before we broke up. She passed away recently and she would want me to share it with whoever would enjoy it. I miss you Baemaxx... More than words. This is my rendition of Tennessee Whiskey.

©️ 2022. DevineTheoryINK.

Sometimes I still dream of you 

it leaves me to wonder

as dreams will do... 

I wonder does she miss me...

waking up with me

my midnight kiss 

the moonlights bliss

 her bitter sweet lips 

the taste of her Tennessee whiskey.

Regardless of our toxic history 

being without her kills me....  

and lately she ain't been talking with me.

I've lost myself to myself

in self-hatered pity and misery 

As I reminisce on how

my last relationships did me

so honestly 

it's not really a mystery .

Feeling like a tornado just hit me 

and I'm about to lose it all mentally 

I thought she was sent to me 

My dangerous epiphany 

my Unfinished Symphony 

my whimsical muse 

My musical mystery 

running through my mind endlessly 

I been left behind 

and in my damaged mind 

it would have happened eventually

trying to find some sort of symmetry 

and I promised myself 

after how the last one did me

I wouldn't let anyone else

get to me.

but it seems thru the darkness

that the darkest of things 

would come quickly 

and try to finish me. 

My time here is limited 

and my current mindset limits me... 

and I still can't trust

but I still love her

with everything that I have within me. 

Until we learn not to repeat our history

my memory of you will always be with me...

Because only God knows 

regardless of our highs and lows

and our tireless nights of infamy 

I cant help but miss

the taste of her lips

And the bitter sweet symphony

of her tennessee whiskey.  

- Devine Theory

#writerscreed #13cupsofteareblog #poetry #spilled words #spilled poetry #twcpoetry #quotes #bad love #writeblrina #addictsinrecovery #tennessee #tennessee whiskey #poeticjustic #poeticinjustice #devine theory 2

[devinetheory-2]

I told them.... Don't believe me just watch ...

....they didn't listen

I told them. Change your mind, change your life...if you continue to listen to that voice you end up in a pattern of fuckshit cyclic redundant rhythm...

Alot like being stuck in a prison....

I told them It's not a battle its a choice to get rid of the cognitive dissonance learn to coexist without it making you sick and turn your wounds into wisdom....

But...they didn't listen....

I tried to tell them that there's no answer secretly hidden in some books written... some knowledge forbidden that they can't find already livin under the years of programming within them...

....They didn't listen...

The world tried to break him but they didn't get him....

He found love through forgiveness

And made enlightenment the mission....

They thought that bitterness and resentment would still continue to live within him

.....but it isn't...

They didnt listen

A legend living

Through the consequences

of his own decisions...

I refuse to lose and be broken

A cynic breaking down the walls of his prison that were once so thick built from the cognitive dissonance in my system....

Then I told them....

surviving isn't living...

But they didn't listen...

DT

#writerscreed #13cupsofteareblog #spilled poetry #twcpoetry #poetry #spilled words #quotes #addictsinrecovery #writeblrina #positive inner dialog #change your mind/change your life #devinetheory2 #Don't believe me? Jus watch....

[devinetheory-2]

Ive got to get you out of my head

Out of my head

My demons tell me that

Im better off dead

Im better off dead

But they'll settle for me

high instead

Im ready to fly

Tired of this life I've led

Tragic hell

Addicts health

Spellbound

Mad but magic spell

Ashamed at where its taken me

Why try so hard

To break me

to make me

Believe

When its all make believe

Confused by

All the cryptic shit

you would say to me

It cant be love

If this is it then

God take me please

Conversating daily asking

God why he created me

I feel alone in this place

And behaved in ways

Where I cant relate

And none can relate to me

For God sake what does it take

to create some peace

Late night confliction

Cognitive dissonance

She thinks there's different women

I tell her I am different

Not like any shes ever been with

As I bleed

from the wounds of my soul

From broken friendships

Onto the notepad

Through my pen tip

Broken hearted I had to mend it

She showed no accountability

I started giving no attention

She tried to say im sorry

I said don't mention it...

Meanwhile it seemed like

she tried to finish it

Wishing it would begin again

without relentless

malicious intentions

Words not spoken

Add up

Begin to dramatically craft sentences

Subtly explaining painting

a picture of what this has been

Abusive intrusive thoughts

Litter my mental vision

Now an apocalyptic wastelands

winter bliss

Feeling alone reminiscing

Missing her touch ...her kiss

But not the staunch after taste

Of what it really is

-Devine Theory

#writerscreed #13cupsofteareblog #spilled poetry #twcpoetry #poetry #bad love #spilled words #quotes #writeblrina #addictsinrecovery #lit #writers on tumblr #original poem #love poems #break up