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ancuninfiles · 1 month

Text

Bite Night

Gif by @astarionposting

18+ MDNI - M/F - Astarion x Tav (Baldur's Gate 3) - Words: 3.6K

Tags: smut, somnophilia (if you squint), non-consensual vampire bites, blood drinking, enthusiastic consent (sex), vaginal fingering, P in v, creampie, mating press, outdoor sex, soft Astarion, sorcerer Tav, nondescript Tav, Aftercare, idealized version of events, no beta we die like cazador

Summary: It has been 3 days since the nautiloid crash. Tav may be the sweetest person that Astarion has ever met. Night falls, and he is overcome with intense feelings of hunger. Tav sleeps alone, peacefully by the fire. He can hear her pulse from the treeline, and it invites him in. Or... could it be more than her pulse inviting him in?

Sorry, Idk how to write summaries. :,)

Read on AO3

Astarion had never met someone like Tav. She was so kind to him, despite their first meeting beginning with him holding a dagger to her throat after having tricked her into thinking he needed help. It was interesting to note that in retrospect, Tav being a sorcerer, could have easily used Shocking Grasp on him while he held her, pinned beneath his blade. She, instead, was oddly compliant.

__________

“I saw you on the ship, didn't I? Nod.” Astarion cooed

Tav looked up at him with eyes half-closed and eyebrows knitted together, nodding. A look he could only assume was partially caused by the sun beating down on her face. It was as if she completely surrendered to him, going practically limp in his arms, which made him soften his grip slightly.

“Splendid, and now you're going to tell me what you and those tentacle freaks did to me.” he peered down at her, eyes briefly flicking to her neck and then up to her eyes again. Despite her relaxed form, her pulse was quickened and it was distracting. Astarion's mouth started to water slightly.

“I- I didn't do anything… I was abducted, same as you!” She pleaded.

“Don't lie to me. I- AUGH” Astarion yelped, as a purple aura surrounded both him and Tav. Their minds were suddenly connected, he was able to peer into her thoughts and feel what she was feeling.

To his surprise, her mind had been focused on compassion towards him, the man holding a blade to her throat. “He and I have the same problem. These tadpoles. And he is likely reeling after all this. He could be a good ally to have.”

Astarion's mind had then shared broken pieces of his past with Tav. Pieces that he would have rather kept to himself, but nothing incriminating yet. “What was that!? What's going on!?” He raised his voice.

Tav's was panting as if their minds connecting had worn her out. “You saw into my mind, it was the parasites! They connected us.” She said, with her eyebrows still knitted. Her mouth was agape and she took one last big breath before calming her expression.

Her breath smelled of mint, and her hair smelled like lavender. ‘Gods, her scent, her pulse, her expression. Everything is distracting about her.’ he thought to himself.

Although he would have loved to hold her for longer, grab her hair and sink his teeth into her flesh, he decided against it. Feeling confident that she was not a threat, he released her. They maintained eye contact with one another as they both slowly stood up.

‘She wants to be my ally’ he thought to himself.

__________

They had picked up a couple more allies on their misadventure so far. A cleric with an odd name and an annoying wizard who talks too much. Tav seemed naive. She was picking up strays left and right. Were these others to be trusted?

Tav had a way of making everyone feel accepted and comfortable. “If you need anything, please let me know. I don't care if I'm sleeping, reading, or otherwise busy, you can wake me up. I want to help.” she exclaimed to the whole group with an earnest look in her eye. She made sure to look at everyone in their eyes when she said this.

‘Gods, she couldn't be more sweet. So tempting.’ He thought to himself. He wondered if she would taste as sweet as she acted, but no, he had to stop thinking things like that. Even Tav would surely end him if he were to slightly hint at the fact that he was a monster.

Besides, Cazador would most definitely flay him for drinking the blood of a thinking creature. Although, the parasite had granted him immunity from the sun. Maybe Cazador can't control him at all anymore.

__________

It was time to settle in for the night. They had an exhausting day looking for a healer, which they had to fight through a hoard of goblins to get to. It had been 3 nights since the nautiloid crash, and Astarion had already snuck off the previous night to find a boar, which he stupidly left in the middle of the road. Tav and the cleric had fixated on it. The cleric had pointed out that the boar had been left fully intact but without blood. To Astarion's dismay, these stangers were smarter than he initially had thought.

Tav was so exhausted that she had fallen asleep beside the fire, while everyone else left to their tents. She was a powerful ally indeed. Tav and Astarion carried the team, while the wizard was frequently coming within an inch of death and you would have thought the cleric was blind because she missed almost every shot. 'Leave it to Gale to cover the ground in grease and then slip in it and fall prone, himself', Astarion thought.

While everyone was sleeping, Astarion slipped away into a clearing in the woods to have some privacy and decompress after all that's happened, for the first time since the nautiloid crash. Finally able to be alone with his thoughts, Astarion's memories of his master plagued him. It was as if he were there, reciting his rules.

First, thou shalt not drink of the blood of thinking creatures.

Second, thou shalt obey me in all things.

Third, thou shalt not leave my side unless directed.

Four, thou shalt know that thou art mine.

'Terrifying. So much for being alone with one's thoughts' Astarion thought. He left the clearing in distress, feeling like he was being stalked by Cazador. 'He can't control me anymore, I can walk in the sun...' Astarion told himself, in an effort to calm himself down. A burning feeling climbed up his throat. He was starving. Exerting himself more than usual was likely to blame. He had to find something to eat, soon.

__________

Astarion made his way back to camp, stopping at the tree line to assess the state of the camp. Sweet Tav was still sleeping soundly by the fire. Sweet Tav's words replayed in his head. "If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask. I don't care if I am sleeping". Sweet Tav who had shown him compassion almost immediately after he had pulled a dagger to her throat. Sweet Tav whose breath was minty, whose hair smelled of lavender, and whose pulse sounded so beautiful; hypnotic.

Astarion snuck close enough to Tav to see her throat, so beautifully exposed. An easy target. Tav was wearing nothing but a thin silky nightgown with small flimsy straps. Her supple legs were exposed and glistened in the firelight. The wind blew and her scent wafted into Astarion's face.

This was too much for Astarion to bear any longer. He slowly and stealthily climbed atop Tav, making sure not to wake her. He held his breath, he didn't need to breathe anyway. She was lying on her back, so Astarion slotted his leg between her thighs and placed his left elbow on the ground beside her head. He used his right hand to tilt her chin to the side slowly and gently brush her hair away from her pulse point. 'Formalities' he thought. Astarion slowly lowered his open maw onto Tav's throat. Finally puncturing the skin, blood started flowing into his mouth as he latched on almost like a feral animal. Tav's blood was ambrosia, it tasted like nothing he had ever tasted before. It was sweet, but complex like a fine-aged wine.

He could no longer control himself, he was sure to wake her. He tightly grabbed onto Tav's hair with his right fist and pushed her neck into his lips. It was then that he heard a sweet mewl coming from Tav. 'Of course, she would be moaning when a monster is consuming her.' Astarion groaned into her neck and brought his knee flush up to Tav's core. Tav began to writhe beneath him, arching her back and slowly bucking her hips on his knee. She was enjoying this. A desire started building in Astarion's lower abdomen, causing his cock to strain against his pants.

Astarion continued to take generous gulps of Tav's blood, running his tongue across her pulse point to try and force more blood out, faster. He let loose a primal groan into Tav's throat and then repositioned himself so that his clothed cock was pressing into Tav's exposed cunt. She accommodated Astarion and wrapped her legs around his pelvis with tact and enthusiasm. Tav reached her right hand up to Astarion's curls, but Astarion grabbed her wrist and pinned it beside her head. Tav moaned, but her rutting became slower, as did her pulse.

"Astarion - I" Tav whispered. Astarion finally came to and unlatched his teeth. His brows knitted together as he licked, and pressed his tongue firmly against her wound to soothe Tav and congeal the blood. He placed a chaste kiss on her neck, and then slowly started releasing her wrist, but Tav let out a breathy whine into his ear and grabbed his left hand, lacing her fingers with his. Perplexed, he looked up at Tav with round eyes. She was gazing at their laced hands. Astarion eyed her fresh puncture marks to make sure the bleeding had seized, and then gently tilted her head to face him.

Her eyes were wet and filled with lust. Her chest was heaving, her cheeks were flushed, and her pupils were blown out. "Why did you stop?" Her voice came out breathy, almost a whisper.

Astarion smirked, "Oh, you sweet, generous thing."

Tav's left hand came up to touch Astarion's face in a gentle caress while her right hand was still affectionately connected with his left. She eyed his lips, taking in the blood on his chin and swiping it softly with her thumb. Her eyes fluttered back up to meet his gaze, but he was eyeing her lips as she had his.

Tav's lips were the same colour as her blushing cheeks. They were seductively parted. Astarion's gaze shifted back to Tav's eyes again, as she caressed his face with her thumb. Such a gentle little thing, and after what he had just done to her. He ought to feel shame for taking from her. 'She is so beautiful' he thought. The firelight flickered in her wet, sleepy eyes. Her hair was gorgeously spread amongst her bedroll. She was like an angel, no, a goddess. It was hard to believe she was real, or that someone could even forgive him for what he had done to her, let alone want him to continue. He looked at her with concern in his eyes which were becoming wet themselves.

Tav's hand slithered shakily to the nape of Astarion's neck. "I want you if you'll have me." She smiled earnestly, her eyes curled with her smile like tiny rainbows. She caressed his nape as she did his chin. "Please, Astarion." She sang

His name sounded like a melody on her lips. She was a siren, pulling him in with her song. Pulling him in, to drown in her. Their lips crashed like the waves in the Sea of Fallen Stars. They moaned into each other as their tongues danced around one another's teeth, exploring, and tasting. Astarion didn't want to stop until he had tasted every corner of her maw. Their kiss was bruising and sloppy. Tav made advances with her tongue as well, and she opened her mouth wide enough to let Astarion explore deeply. Her mouth tasted as minty as it smelled, and his mouth tasted like her blood. He paid extra mind to not hurt her with his fangs.

One of her hands tangled in his hair and the other hand rested on his back. He pressed his pelvis closer to her's and he groped her soft flesh with one of his hands, hastily exploring her body and reaching under her nightgown to grab her breast. He pinched her nipple and rubbed it between his fingers. Tav let out a higher-pitched moan in his mouth. He snaked his hands down to her exposed and throbbing core. She was unbelievably soaked. Finally lifting his mouth from hers, he looks at her with a smirk and says "You are positively dripping for me, darling." He started rubbing slow circles on her clit and her back arched, seeking more from Astarion.

She groaned. "I want you inside me, please." Her eyes pleading and her words drifted out in a soft sigh. She was squirming slowly and weakly. The poor thing was so weak from the blood loss.

He peered down at her face which seemed to be blushing more and more, and her skin was now glistening with a thin layer of sweat. "Only because you ask so sweetly." He exclaimed before plunging two digits inside of her, working her open. She hummed in a whiney tone, which only egged him on further. His fingers curled up as he patiently started getting her hole ready for his cock. Her mouth opened and her eyes nearly rolled back into her head. She was the most enchanting creature in all of Faerün. He wanted to do anything for her, and he wanted to bury his cock entirely between her legs.

His free hand pushed her nightgown above her breasts, exposing her naked and writing body to the night air. It hadn't occurred to him until then that they were in the middle of camp. The cleric and the wizard could catch them, but Tav seemed unbothered. Astarion had noticed that his senses were much sharper after drinking Tav's blood. He realized he was confident enough that he would hear anyone coming long before they could see anything.

His fingers started to pump into her faster, and he palmed her clit. Her breathing became heavy and jagged. "I'm so close! Astarion!" She moaned his name as her pussy fluttered around his digits. He fingered her through her orgasm, only pulling away when she started to twitch at the touch of her clit. She inhaled deeply and let out a groan. Her head fell back and her breasts rose and fell with each exasperated breath. "Hmm, you are wonderful, Astarion." She hummed with a bright smile on her face.

Astarion crept up to meet her eyes with his, "You're unbelievably beautiful." He said sincerely. She looked up at him with her pleading eyes again. He brushed her hair with his fingers and admired her features. He brought her into a molten kiss that both burned and bruised their lips. His hand caressed her naked torso, gripping her in every place he could before landing his strong grasp on her ass. Their kiss flew apart and she let out an exceptionally whiney moan and looked down to where his clothed cock was.

His cock was beginning to strain unbearably against his pants. He expertly unlaced his trousers and his large member sprang free, glistening with precum. He glanced down at her soaking core, her thighs were covered in her cum. He hooked her knees over his biceps and he teased her entrance with his cock. He groaned and exhaled, and looked at her face so he could read her expressions. Her brows scrunched in anticipation.

"Hmmm please fuck me. I want you to fill me up so bad." she sobbed and clenched her jaw.

Astarion groaned "I love it when you plead for me, little love. Your voice sounds so sweet. Please tell me if you want me to stop, can you do that for me?"

She bit her lip and looked him in the eye, again with that sweet look on her face. "Mmhm" she nodded.

He didn't need any more confirmation from her as he slowly sunk his cock into her hole. Her mouth opened slightly and she started breathing heavier. He pulled out all the way and stroked her wetness onto his shaft. He sunk back down into her languidly until he finally was fully inside. He grunted at the feeling, and she was breathing heavier than ever. Her jaw was clenched and her eyes were wet.

"Are you okay, sweet love?" He said with concern as he stilled inside her.

"Mmm yeah. You're just - so big, I've never had someone -reach into me so deeply. It doesn't - hurt, I promise" she spoke softly. Panting throughout her sentence. "It feels, so good" she whined.

His cock twitched at her enthusiasm and she moaned quietly. "Oh darling, I am going to fill you right up," he said as he pulled back and then snapped his hips into her. He leaned down to her and stroked her cheek as he kissed her jaw. "Precious." He whispered in her ear.

He began rutting into her at a consistent pace. She pulled his shirt up to feel more of his skin against hers. She was so warm compared to him, her aura engulfed him like the fire they lay next to, consuming the carbon in a flickering rage. She was so tight, and warm, and wet. He wasn't sure how long he was going to be able to last, but he knew he wanted to make her cum one more time before he finished.

He reached down to her clit, and started rubbing tight quick circles. She moaned between her teeth and the muscles in her legs tensed. Her mouth fell agape and she started panting beautifully. "That's it, good girl. Cum on my cock."

His words were enough to send her over the edge, and her cunt clenched and fluttered around his cock. He fucked her through her orgasm, only stopping his attention on her nub when she was pulling away. He readjusted her legs atop his shoulders, and her knees were practically beside her head. He was able to reach deeper in her than before, and his cock was hitting her sweet spot at a perfect angle.

"Do you want me to fill you with my cum, darling? Is that what you want?" He teased as he fucked her mercilessly.

"Yes!" She begged, "Please, I need you to fuck your cum into me!"

Her lewd suggestion sent him toppling over into his own climax, and he pressed himself deeply into her folded form. Groaning as his head fell to her side, he placed chaste kisses on her neck where he had bitten earlier. She could feel his cock twitching deep inside her, his spend spurting on her walls and dripping down her ass. He pulled out a few inches and then slammed back into her again, stuffing his cock into her deepest depths, making sure that her desires are met and that his seed has thoroughly coated every corner of her tight, quivering hole.

They stayed connected for many long moments and then eventually they both rolled over to lie on their sides, facing one another. They stared deeply into each other's eyes. Astarion pulled his pants back up, and Tav lay sleepily with her flesh still exposed. "This won't do." He said as he scooped her up with his arms.

"Oh!" She squeaked, as Astarion carried her bridal style to his tent.

He lay Tav down on his bedroll. "One moment, love, I will be right back!" He said with newfound energy.

Astarion searched for one of the most soft fabrics that he had kept for future sewing projects. He found the silky red cloth and he soaked it with water from the river. It was cold, but it will have to do. He made long strides back to his tent to find Tav, who was almost sleeping.

"This is going to be a bit cold, little bird." He cooed. He then ran the damp cloth along her most vulnerable parts. She hummed sleepily and smiled as he slowly cleaned her up with seemingly the highest degree of care. He then took the same cloth and cleaned himself up briefly.

The night was warm, but Tav, being alive, was more susceptible to the temperature. He only had his brown boyish blanket in his tent, so he quickly went to Tav's tent and snagged all of her pillows and blankets to bring them back to her in his tent. She was like a sleepy doll. He propped her head up on the softest pillow and covered her body in the warmest blankets. She sleepily hummed with glee, and Astarion looked at her snuggled up in the blankets, admiring his handiwork.

He changed into a fresh set of night clothes and then joined her under the blankets. He faced her and affectionately brushed his fingers across her cheek and under her ear. His palm rested on her cheek and his thumb stroked her cheekbone. He would speak to her about all this in the morning, and apologize for feasting upon her like a ravenous beast; but for now, she was in his arms and he felt an unyielding desire to take care of her. She nuzzled into him and kissed his hand. He leaned in and placed a kiss on her forehead. She turned around so her backside was facing him. She scooted back to connect with him. His touch was soothing and cool against her under the warm blanket. He froze for a moment at the overwhelming affection, and then he fell into her and held her tight.

He didn't know exactly what these feelings were, but he knew that this was nice.

They both closed their eyes, and Tav fell into a deep sleep. Astarion began to trance. He didn't know it yet, but this would be the best trance he would have in 200 years.

Author notes:

HEY. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I actually haven't really ever written anything before, and I don't plan on writing anymore. It took a really long time, and it was way harder for me than I thought. The number of times I had to look at synonyms. Ffs... lol. But YEAH. I actually don't have much of an interest in writing anyways so it's all good. Srsly kudos to any of you who are writing fics, especially the lengthy ones. I have no idea how you do it. Every paragraph is a brain fart for me. Please don't mind any mistakes. I used grammarly, and I TRIED MY BEST LOL. ANYWAYS, LOVE YOU, SMOOCHIES.

#astarion ancunin #astarion #bg3 #astarion smut #astarion x tav #astarion x reader #astarion pov #astarion fluff

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jinnie-ret · 5 months

Text

THE TUTOR

poly!stray kids x reader

genre: fluff, angst

content warnings: toxic relationship (not with SKZ)

word count: 5.4k

summary: becoming lee felix's tutor was quite possibly the best decision she could have made. toxic exes, university assignments and a whole lot of confusing feelings, how does skz fit into this equation?

collab w/ @astraykidforsure

I've absolutely loved working on this with my gorgeous talented pookie! I think it's my fav fic written ever so to have collabed on this was so fun to share our ideas together and give you this!!!

Here is our other fic here which you can find on her page! It's the cutest fluffiest Christmas fic ever so I hope you enjoy :)))

MAIN MASTERLIST

Handing in the penultimate assignment of the year, Y/N couldn't hide her sigh of relief when she gave her paper to her professor. She had given everything to this piece of work, sleepless nights, even forgetting to eat sometimes too, as she was so caught up in her studies. It happened that just as she was handing in this assignment, she was given her results of the previous one she had done. Feeling as if it had been ages ago since she had completed it, Y/N was pleasantly surprised to see the number on the document her professor handed to her.

"85, that's another 'first', top grades as always, Miss Park," Mr Jung, Y/N's English Literature professor grinned at her proudly as he handed her paper back to her.

"Thanks Mr Jung!" Y/N grinned happily, always one to be energetic and bubbly no matter what kind of hurdle was in her way.

"Now, I look forward to reading this one here... but I have one request," Mr Jung pushed up his glasses as he gently placed down her recently finished assignment onto his stack of others he would be due to read.

"Oh, what is it?" Y/N pursed her lips curiously, hands behind her back as she wondered what Mr Jung was about to tell her. She was very much so looking forwards to a small break so hopefully whatever he said next wouldn't be something that would consume a lot of her time.

"One of the students in our class, Lee Felix, I assume you know him? He's falling behind, and I thought you'd be the perfect student to help him. So what do you say?" Mr Jung proposed the idea to Y/N of becoming Felix's tutor.

This wasn't exactly what she expected. Lee Felix? Everyone on campus knew him and the friend group he was a part of. You couldn't not know him. He stuck out especially to Y/N, not just because of the fact he was on the same course as her, but because of his sweet personality and how nicely he treated everyone around him. She aimed to be like him.

What Y/N didn't already realise, was that she was a similar kind of person, and people recognised her kindness. Although she mainly kept to herself, always had her nose in a book or her head in the clouds, she greeted everyone kindly. And for that, she was already loved so much.

It couldn't hurt to help out, could it? Sure, she wanted a break, but this should be things she already knew. And it wasn't like she would be forced to spend her time with anyone horrible. The only thing remotely intimidating was the fact that she'd be presumably meeting one of the most popular friend groups on campus.

But, perhaps it would be nice to properly talk to them, instead of just greeting them like her friendly self normally did.

"- Miss Park?" Mr Jung was still staring at her expectantly, waiting for an answer.

"Sure, I'll do it," Y/N grinned, adjusting her bag on her shoulders before waving her professor goodbye.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

It was 4:30pm. Right on the dot.

Y/N had arrived perfectly on time, oddly nervous for her first tutor session with Felix. Maybe it was because she hadn't spoken to him properly, apart from the emails back and forth on when to arrange a mutually good time to meet. And that took a while in itself, because Felix didn't seem to check his emails a lot. It would be much easier once she had his phone number to text, and it seemed much less formal too.

Not only that, but it would be nice to see a different name pop up on her screen other than her persistent ex, Johnny, who couldn't seem to forget about her.

Knock, knock, knock.

Y/N stood awkwardly, shifting from one foot to the other before the door opened.

"Y/N right? Come in, come in, sorry about the mess!" Felix cheerfully greeted her with a pre warning of the state of his dorm, which she quickly realised he shared with all of the other guys.

Was it messy? Yes, but the typical mess you'd expect for a boys' dorm. It was homely though. Domestic.

On a coffee table, there was a computer science textbook lying open beside a laptop covered in cat stickers, neatly kept to one side, almost to avoid the art materials spread precariously across the furniture. There was barely any room for the puppy patterned mug of coffee to sit, most likely brewed from the expensive coffee machine in the kitchen, Y/N had noticed. The TV screen was on, showing the title screen of a game she didn't quite recognise, she wasn't much of a gamer herself. As she glanced to where she could take off her coat in the lobby area, there was a gym bag, a backpack with headphones peeking out of the top, and some keys scattered to the side, charmingly accompanied by a koala keyring and a kangaroo one too.

"Don't worry about the mess, it's homely," Y/N shrugged, taking her coat off and feeling a bit surprised when Felix wordlessly took it out of her hands and hung it up for her.

"That's the excuse Hannie always uses..." Felix chuckles, before his eyes widen, "oh yeah! My boyf- roommates are all home right now around here somewhere, so don't be shocked if you see one of them walking about. We can study in my room if you want? It'll be much quieter," he stumbled on his words.

"Sure, whatever is more comfier for you, Felix," Y/N grinned as he nodded once more and they set up things in his room at his desk. Felix brought out his laptop to takes notes as Y/N brought out her notebook. Clearly they had different ways of studying, but that didn't seem to deter her, things like that didn't mean much when she was here to help.

"So, how much have you gotten done so far?" Y/N popped the lid off of her pen, both of them giggling as it flew onto the floor somewhere.

"Don't hate me if I say none of it?" Felix replied sheepishly as he crouched down to retrieve the piece of stationary and sat back down in his seat.

"I can't hate you, silly! I've only just met you!" Y/N shook her head with a gummy smile, not knowing she was melting Felix's heart as she did so.

And so, they began, Y/N guiding Felix to the best references and praising him for his ideas that he thought of for the assignment. She made sure she steered him in the right direction and he seemed to be on the right path already.

Knock, knock.

The door opened to reveal two handsome men, both with sharp features, one with longer black hair and the other with a bold purple style.

"Here, have some brain power," the guy with purple hair put the plate down in front of the two, Y/N already smiling at the colourful fruit presented in front of them.

"That's Minho by the way, and that's Hyunjin," Felix pointed out to Y/N, before munching on a piece of honeydew melon. She waved at them with an enthusiastic 'hi' as they made themselves at home in Felix's room.

Hyunjin stretched across the bed as Minho perched against the desk on Felix's side.

"I think I'll be eating most of this then if it's for brain power," Felix grabbed a few more pieces of fruit, shoving it into his mouth contentedly at the sweet taste.

"You better save some of it for Y/N! She's the guest! Plus, I had to spend time with Minho in the kitchen, with a knife... My life was on the line for these snacks!" Hyunjin professed dramatically, sat up on the bed now as he moved his hands around whilst explaining.

Y/N couldn't help but giggle along with Felix, Hyunjin noticing this as he smiled at how comfortable she was around them already.

"Just wait, you'll have to stay for dinner one time, and then you'll see!" Hyunjin widened his eyes comically, as Y/N nodded along in agreement.

"You like to cook, Y/N?" Minho asked curiously, showing interest in the girl who came round to tutor his boyfriend.

"I'm not the best at cooking actually... Most times I just eat ramen for dinner or order fried chicken," she pinched her lip habitually and covered her awkward grin, yet everyone else could still see it from the way her eyes crinkled.

"Ah! That's not good, I'll have to feed you, make sure you get something nutritional in that belly," Minho patted her head as he tutted.

"That's our Minho, he always cooks for us, he's such a doting boyfriend-" Felix nuzzled his head against Minho's stomach before freezing in place. He may have hidden their secret before but this time he couldn't help himself.

"Y/N, look, we-" Hyunjin stumbled over his words as he stood up now, next to Felix and Minho as he took in the girl's shocked expression.

"It's ok, it's ok, I won't judge," she quickly held her hands up to try and calm them.

"It's easier said then done, not exactly conventional having 8 guys date each other," Minho sighed, stroking Felix's hair soothingly to show he didn't blame the younger.

"Please don't tell anyone," Felix couldn't even look her in the eyes. He felt like he had already blown his chances of getting good grades. Like, what a bombshell to drop on your tutor. Oh yeah, by the way, I have 8, boyfriends but keep it a secret, please.

"Guys, please, it's ok, really. I wouldn't dare tell anyone. That's not my information to share, I'd rather you act natural around me then hide that side to yourselves, ok?" Y/N spoke carefully, taking in all of their expressions to make sure her message was heard.

"You've got a good tutor here, Lixie," Hyunjin sighs in relief, a small smile painting his face.

"I do," he nodded in agreement, relieved that she was someone he could not only learn from, but trust too.

Y/N would come to see a lot of sweet interactions between the boys, and also get to know them a lot more too. This was only the start.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Over the next few weeks, Y/N had really gotten to know the other guys quite well, and when she had reassured the rest of them in person that their secret was safe with her, the arms she was welcomed with were open even more.

"Hi love, come in!" Chan softly smiled at her as she entered the dorms, her books already clutched in her arms.

"You're in a cheery mood today, Channie, get some sleep for once?" Y/N laughed and teased the older boy, looking away mischievously when he pulled a face that said 'why did I let her and Seungmin interact?'.

"Go on go, go find Felix and help him study," he fake sighed and shooed her away, pushing her in the direction of Felix's room with a laugh, but wincing when her phone hit the floor. "Oh sorry!" he was quick to pick it up, the phone lighting up with yet another text message, making him frown.

"Oh it's fine, don't worry," Y/N went to grab it back quickly and hesitantly, Chan let her.

"Who's Johnny?" he chewed his lip as he asked the question.

"He's no one," Y/N shrugged him off, making sure she had all her books ready and was about to enter Felix's room, hand reaching for the handle when Chan realised he couldn't let this go so soon.

The rest of the boys and himself had grown to like Y/N a lot in such a short space of time. Her caring nature had stolen a piece of each of their hearts and they found themselves exuding that same care towards her.

"Love, it doesn't look like nothing, that was a whole lot of texts," Chan warily rested a hand on her shoulder.

Y/N sighed before moving over to their sofa, Chan following right behind her.

"It's really nothing... I'm used to it," she shrugged, biting on the inside of her cheek.

"So if it's nothing why are we taking a seat to talk about this, hmm?" Chan calmly spoke to her, lightly pinching her cheek to get her to stop.

"I don't know if I'm overreacting or not... sometimes I think I am but other times, here just look," Y/N shakily hands over her phone to Chan, and he grasped her hand in his as he read the more recent ones that appeared in her notifications.

"These messages are horrible, Y/N, why don't you just block him?" Chan was horrified at the threatening messages he read, nostrils flaring more and more at each word that his eyes scanned.

"He always finds a way to message me from a new number... See?" Y/N reluctantly released her hand from Chan's as she unlocked her phone and showed her messages, previous conversations all with the same tone to them, but from different numbers. "You can always tell it's him messaging because he always leaves a space between the full stop and the word. And then he doesn't use slang in his texts apart from 'ur'," she further explains to Chan, who was in disbelief at how she spoke so causally of what was happening to her. Yet, he could tell there were some feelings she was internalising too.

"You're too smart for your own good, love," Chan rubbed her shoulder, proud of her analysing skills that she recognised it was her ex. "You really don't deserve this," he murmured, leaning his head on top of hers.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

It was nice, to feel that love and appreciation again, without having any labels attached. But then it had Y/N thinking, what really was this thing between her and the boys?

"Aren't you going to take a break too, Y/Nnie? Felix has been playing this game for at least twenty minutes now!" Changbin leant his head back on the sofa arm as he watched the girl diligently flicking through her notes whilst Felix went to take a 'short' break and play on his PC.

"Ah, it's fine haha, I want to make sure I've got some stuff ready for when Felix is done," Y/N brushed off Changbin's concerns and pushed back a stray piece of hair as she read through the notes she had made during the afternoon.

"Nope, no, not having it, I'll get Seungmin to make you some of his fresh coffee and then you will sit here, right next to me," Changbin sat up, patting a space on the sofa next to him, "and drink it."

"But Changbin-" Y/N sighed, covering her face and leaning back into the chair at the table, already hearing the whirring of the coffee machine in the kitchen, meaning Seungmin was around and overheard the small harmless bickering.

"Nope, now come, sit here," Changbin didn't budge, from not just his seat but his efforts to getting Y/N to take a break too.

She groaned as she complied and sat next to the muscly guy, who hummed in content when he felt the dip of the sofa next to him.

Seungmin entered the lounge, bringing over a mug of coffee for Y/N, dainty sunflowers painted all over it.

"Wow this mug is so cute!" Y/N grinned as she held it up slightly to admire it.

"Good. It's your mug," Seungmin nodded as he sat at the end of the sofa, a mug of coffee made for himself as he placed it done on the table.

"My mug? I don't even live here, Seungmin," Y/N tried to laugh it off, but she couldn't help but feel butterflies at the warmth she received from these guys. The way that they always made sure she felt at home in their home.

"You might as well, haha, with the amount of times Felix invites you over to study when half the time he's all distracted," Seungmin pushed up his glasses, turning to look at Y/N.

"Well I thought that's why he wanted me over more... Because we didn't get enough done in the first place?" Y/N pursed her lips in thought, before blowing on the coffee to try and cool it down even though it had been freshly brewed and was still very hot.

"Interesting take... I'm with Seungmin on this one though," Changbin raised an eyebrow at Y/N's reasoning before cooing at Seungmin, reaching over to pat him on the knee.

"Ew, hyung," Seungmin wrinkled his nose, bringing his legs further up on the sofa and curling up.

"Hey! Don't reject me in front of Y/N... i-it's embarrassing! I'm a desirable man!" Changbin complained loudly, throwing his arms up in the air before folding them and sinking into the sofa.

Y/N couldn't help but agree, nodding to herself as she bit her lip. Changbin was a handsome man. All of them were. They were all lucky to have each other, not only for their looks but their personalities too.

"I saw that look, you're not so sly, sunflower," Seungmin whispered in Y/N's ear as he patted her head before wrapping his arms around Changbin to quieten the pouting man, cheekily biting his neck in the process.

"Yah! Kim Seungmin!"

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

A rough day was rare for Y/N, for she always strived to push any stress away and focus on what she was meant to be doing. But with another influx of texts from Johnny, he wasn't making her day so easy. Even more so because he was waiting outside of her class.

"Never answer my texts huh? I just want you to talk to me, that's all I want!" Johnny grabbed Y/N's wrist and took her to the side of the empty hallway.

Not only was the poor girl shocked at him grabbing her harshly, she also wondered how he knew where her class was, they didn't even take the same course, let alone similar ones for him to be in the same building as her.

"You don't deserve that, Johnny, not after what you put me through," Y/N pulled her arm away from him and redirected herself outside, hoping that was all this confrontation would be.

Oh how wrong she was. Walking outside where there was more students around should have made Y/N feel safer, even with Johnny on her tail, but with the gossipy nature of the university, it made things worse.

"Don't you want me?" Johnny growled, his voice too loud for her liking as people around her pulled out their phones and started filming as he grabbed her wrist tightly once again.

"No! I don't! I hate you!" Y/N said through gritted teeth, trying to regain ownership of her own limb.

This seemed to frustrate Johnny even further, his intentions becoming more and more clear.

He spat at her, right in her face.

"People like you don't deserve to even be with me, I'm doing you a favour!" he tried to pull her along with him.

Y/N felt helpless. Why wasn't anyone helping her? They were too busy hiding behind their phone screens.

"No, I'm doing myself a favour and getting away from you!" Y/N took matters into her own hands and despite the fast beat of her heart she stomped on his foot and stormed away quickly, wiping her tears as she did so.

It wasn't long until the video started floating around other students. Chan and Changbin, who were in one of the studios courtesy of the uni's musical facilities, received a text from Minho.

Minho: pls tell me this isn't y/n...

[vid.attchmnt]

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"Is that my favourite person in the world?!" Han hugged Y/N as soon as she walked through the door.

Han had admired Y/N as soon as he met her, always wanting to cuddle her because he thought she was so sweet and 'too pure for this world'.

And oh, did Y/N need that hug, especially after the day she had.

"Hey, she was mine first!" Felix wrapped her up into a big hug of his own as he pushed Han away, not too hard though.

Mine?

That would be a thought for another time...

Pushing the boys away and letting them bicker playfully between themselves, she sat down next to Jeongin on the sofa, who was absorbed in whatever video game it was that he was playing. She often had comfortable silences when she was in the space of the younger. But she likes that. They could appreciate each other's presences without needing to say much. Without needing to say anything.

Y/N sighed and rubbed her head as she read through her notes once more, wondering what part of the words that were jumbling right in front of her very eyes, would be more useful to Felix today.

"You should play one day," Jeongin spoke up quietly, as to not disturb her focus and for him to maintain his own as he fiddled with the joysticks.

"Ah I don't know a lot about gaming, plus staring at the screen would give me an even worse headache right now I think," Y/N sank deeper into the sofa in defeat, rubbing her eyes as she tossed her notes aside.

"Let me get you some painkillers," Jeongin immediately paused his game, standing up and walking into the kitchen.

"No it's fine-" Y/N tried to stop him.

"You take them with water?" Jeongin ignored her attempts as he called out from the other room.

"Yes," Y/N replied quietly but he still seemed to have heard her.

Jeongin returned into the lounge with two painkillers and a some water in a glass prettily painted with sunflowers on it. It wouldn't be hard to guess who bought her that.

"Cute glass," Y/N fondly smiled, as she sipped the water slowly and swallowed the painkillers.

Jeongin loved how she was still able to smile despite the pain she was in. He admired her for that.

"A certain puppy picked that one out, convinced Minho and Jinnie that it was necessary," Jeongin nodded at her, taking his seat but not returning to his game straight away.

"Well I love it, I'll tell him thank you later if I see him," Y/N placed down the glass and instead of relaxing into the sofa once more, she found herself in a pair of arms instead.

"I'm sure you will," Han gently hugged her gently this time, noticing her demeanour was quieter than usual and that she had taken some tablets.

"You sure you want to study today, Y/N?" Felix rubbed her knee soothingly, not wanting to pressure her.

"Yeah, I'm sure, maybe we can take it slow today?" Y/N makes a compromise, not wanting to let down the sunshine on front of her.

"Of course, of course, love, that sounds like a better idea, just tell me if you want to take a break, yeah? Don't want you to be feeling in pain just because you're trying to help me," Felix kisses the top of her head, making her blush.

What was going on with her heart? Maybe she was just still feeling shaken up from earlier on.

"Y/N, why didn't you tell us something happened between you and Johnny?" Han suddenly tensed up, and Y/N could feel it. She didn't dare look at the video Han was playing on his phone.

In that moment, Seungmin and Hyunjin entered the dorm, frowns on their faces.

"Ah Seungmin! There you are, thanks for getting me this glass, you really didn't have to," Y/N tried to change the subject, hoping their frowns would disappear but it didn't work.

"Nope, don't do that sunflower," Seungmin shook his head, taking off his shoes and putting his slippers on.

"Angel, why didn't you say anything, hmm?" Hyunjin walked over in front of the sofa, hands on his hips.

"No wonder you weren't feeling great," Jeongin's eyes widened in realisation after watching the video over Han's shoulder, handing Y/N the glass of water once more to encourage her to take some sips.

"I don't know what you're talking about..." Y/N didn't even believe herself as she spoke.

"Y/Nnie, there's a video going around of you and Johnny in the square at uni," Hyunjin crouched down in front of her.

"Wait? I haven't seen that video, I've only seen the one of hyungs cornering him," Seungmin spoke up, sharing a confused look at Hyunjin. He was sure they had been speaking about the same thing earlier, yet with both of the information they had seen from different videos, they must have been able to fill in the gaps.

"W-wait they what?" Y/N stuttered as she looked back and forth between the boys.

In that moment, Seungmin held up a video playing on his phone, showing the three eldest of the group cornering Johnny against a wall, holding him by the collar of his shirt as they shouted at him.

Y/N couldn't believe her eyes.

"It's ok," Felix's deep voice soothed her as he wrapped an arm around her and hugged her closer to his chest.

"Let's just have a relaxing evening yeah? Take your mind off of it," Seungmin instructed, tucking Y/N's notes away into her bag.

"Felix is that ok with-"

"Don't even worry love, it's fine," Felix rubbed her shoulder once more, Han holding her hand as he leant his head on her shoulder.

They all began to relax, watching a Disney film. Y/N cuddled up between the September twins, and Jeongin reluctantly allowing his overly affectionate hyungs, Seungmin and Hyunjin, to coddle and cuddle him.

Around halfway through the film, the front door unlocked and 3 sets of footsteps marched inside.

"Is she here? Is she ok?!"

"I swear she was meant to have a tutor session with Lixie today but they're not in his room..."

"Wait, her shoes are here."

Chan, Minho and Changbin all sighed in relief, almost synchronised, as they saw the object of their concern cuddled up to their other boyfriends.

"Y/Nnie, love, come here a sec," Chan whispered into her ear, gesturing her to come to the side to talk to all 3 of them.

She felt nervous just standing there as their eyes scanned her to make sure she was physically ok.

"Guys, you didn't have to do that..." Y/N shook her head, hands retreating into the sleeves of a jumper Han let her borrow because he insisted a cosy jumper is a cosy heart and it would make her feel better.

He wasn't wrong.

"Oh but we did, it wasn't right what he did to you Y/N, and I don't know what he's done to you in the past but..." Changbin trailed off, fists clenched at the thought of Johnny.

"He'll never hurt you again, ok?" Minho promised, hand caressing her cheek gently.

"And if he does anything again tell one of us right away, we got you," Chan rubbed her shoulder, a pout on his face reflecting Y/N's as her eyes welled up with tears.

"Thanks guys," Y/N sniffled, hugging each of them.

Hyunjin, who was snooping on the conversation with eager ears, called out across to them, "yah! Don't make Angel cry, we just calmed her down!"

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Y/N was confused. She wasn't as sure anymore, or, at least not as much as before, that is. Sure, she knew about their relationship, of course. Though she wasn't apart of it. They seemed to act so nice and loving towards her. Always helping her out, Felix giving her extra attention and affection when he thought she needed it. The boys always bring her food whenever they got food themselves. They'd ruffle her hair and give her soft smiles. Back hugs and forehead kisses. It's so much more than that. They just treat her so well. She's supposed to keep their secret, but, then again, she's not dating any of them.

Despite everything, does that mean they're messing with her? Are they doing this to mess with her feelings? She sure hoped that wasn't the case. She's been having so much doubt lately with this situation she seemed to have gotten herself stuck in. But, she didn't want to be seen as if she was trying to interrupt or ruin their relationship by confessing. Seriously, one girl and eight guys? She wasn't so sure that it was realistic, whether she wanted it to be or not.

She just wanted this guilt that she constantly felt to go away. She didn't want to stress over this anymore or worry. She hated these nerves that she constantly felt, continuously. She wanted this to be over, even if she never ended up dating them.

Knock, knock, knock.

"We've missed you," Jeongin was shocked to see her as he opened the front door, blurting out the first words that came to mind as he welcomed her inside.

It had been 5 days since they saw her. But it was 5 days too long.

Y/N stood at the edge of the lounge not knowing what to say as the boys all turned and gasped as they saw her.

"What's been going on, Y/Nnie?" Han slowly asked.

"Talk to us love..." Felix begged, he just wanted to know why she created some distance between them all.

"Don't call me that when you don't mean... When you don't want..." Y/N ran a stressed hand through her hair, not knowing how to articulate herself because her emotions were all over the place.

"Come sit down ang-, Y/N, it's ok, talk to us," Hyunjin went to call jer ny his usual nickname, but sensing her discomfort, he chose not to this time. And it felt weird.

"I'm so confused right now..." Y/N began, perching on the edge of the armchair where Changbin was sat.

"You asked me to keep your relationship secret and of course I'd never tell anyone but, I feel like, gosh no I can't say it it'll sound so stupid," Y/N scolded herself, Chan patting her back lightly as he stood next to her.

"Nothing you say is stupid, you're very clever, sunflower," Seungmin shook his head, not liking the sight of the girl he was so fond of, looking so distressed.

"What am I to you guys? L-like am I just Felix's tutor to you, or just even a friend or-"

"You're much more to us then those things, and I know you know that by now," Minho leant forward in his seat on the sofa.

"We like you, a lot, Y/N," Felix said with his hand on his chest.

"W-why couldn't you just tell me that? I-i've been going out of my mind," Y/N ducked her head down, covering her face with her hands.

"We didn't want to pressure you after that situation with your ex..." Changbin grasped her hand from next to her.

"Oh, sorry, yeah I get that..." Y/N sighed.

"Come on, where's that smile gone?" Hyunjin cooed, tickling her sides and successfully making her laugh.

"We really like you Y/N, and we were hoping you'd want to be a part of our relationship too," Chan crouched down in front of her.

"You sure?" Y/N was wary. This wasn't a trick right?

"Never been more sure of anything in our lives," he was quick to squash her worries, kissing her on the cheek.

"Then, yes, I'd love to be with you all," Y/N grinned that gorgeous smile that they loved so much.

It was the best decision she could have made agreeing to be Felix's tutor. It brought so many people into her life that she already held dearly to her heart, people she knew she'd come to love even more in her life. The little things they did for her with more care than anyone else had ever paid her attention to. They gave her the love she deserved, the love that she'd never lose.

taglist: @skz-streamer @kiraisastay @hannahhbahng @kpopmenace143 @sakufilms @hanjiquokkaaa @arloo00 @dunno-wut-to-do @splat00z @cheesemonky @his-angell @turtledove824 @2minstan @royal-shinigami

607 notes · View notes

ceebit · 1 year

Note

okay,, just imagine you & vernon having a battle abt who’s more awkward/had more awkward moments. you’re both spitting out your embarrassing moments like a roast battle & eventually one of you just says the most excruciatingly cringe, humbling, felt it through the screen humiliating, should’ve kept it to yourself moment. i feel like this is just such an oddly comforting & wholesome friendship/relationship moment.

laughed so loud at this pls. why is it always vernon.

“remember the time i had salad in my teeth and i had to give a speech at a school in front of a bunch of middle schoolers?”

your head shifts on his lap to look up at him in a amusement, brow furrowed as you try and garner what prompted him to bring up such an embarrassing moment. the movie you’d put on had long since been tuned out, volume lowered, and the silence had been enjoyable. it’s one of the many things you liked about your friendship with vernon—you didn’t feel the need to fill the space between you with mindless chatter.

“mhm. i remember your face pleasantly paling and having to coax you out of a hallway corner for over thirty minutes.”

he laughs, nose scrunching up at the memory, and rolls his eyes. “they were all giggling and i really could not figure out why for the life of me. i even looked down to see if anyone had pantsed me without me knowing.”

“small children are ruthless,” you agree sympathetically, and he shoves your shoulder gently.

well if you were sharing embarrassing moments…

“remember the time i wore our school uniform inside out and backwards?” you grin, eyes narrowed at the minute way he purses his lips to keep from laughing, and poke his stomach. “and i didn’t notice until the teacher cleared her throat and said—”

“‘y/n, sweetheart, run to the bathroom for a bit?’,” you finish in unison, and vernon snorts a laugh into the palm of his hand. you squint at him all the while, arm moving up to shove him the way way he’d done before.

“think having to walk out of the classroom and into the hallways—past several open classroom doors, mind you—with my uniform on backwards and inside out beats salad teeth in front of small kids any day.” your eyes closed, you sigh and lay a hand on over your heart before adding on, “i think that change my entire psyche. was a changed person after that day.”

“yeah? and my pants ripping open in the soccer field on game night and showing my good luck briefs to the entire high school isn’t worse?”

you peek an eye open to see vernon inquiring you with a brow raised, and ultimately realize where this was going. so be it, then. good luck underwear be damned.

“definitely child’s play compared to my mom chaperoning the halloween party and making me show up in matching hot dog costumes.” you remember the cellphone lights and quiet snickering all to well, even faking a stomachache from all the candy to miss out on school for the next three days.

“you have your voice crack when it’s your turn to read morning announcements and come back to me when your childhood spirit hasn’t been destroyed,” he scoffs dramatically, and you sit up in incredulous disbelief. that wasn’t even bad, considering you know he’s gone through worse. not as bad as you, though, which reminds you of—

“learning most of your outfit was see through after getting drenched in the rain and having to root through ‘work handouts’ only to come out wearing the worst combination of clothes humanly has ever seen in broad daylight on the day of a really important meeting definitely beats ‘broken childhood spirit’,” you roll your eyes playfully, “especially since everything looked… wrong. i looked like an overgrown gap kids model.”

you shake your head at the burst of laughter you get in return, grinning despite yourself. “i think that’s the worst thing i’ve ever gone through, personally. i’ve never wanted to sink into the floor and living amongst the earth and worms more than i did that day.”

“yeah? tell that to the journals i filled with how much i liked your stupid face.”

his eyes widen suddenly, a hand quickly slapping to cover his mouth, and avoids looking at you entirely. you blink, dazed by the sudden admission, and laugh nervously.

“the journals you filled with how much you…?”

“i don’t like this game anymore,” he mumbles through his hand, and you can’t help the quiet laugh that slips past your lips. he glares at you without any heat, and with enough prodding, he eventually relaxes enough to face you again.

“remember when chan broke into my room and got ahold of one of my notebooks?”

you do. you also clearly remember him almost tearing him a new one in arguably the worst panic you’ve ever seen him in, eyes wide and ears tipped red for whatever reason before the younger boy could utter a single word written between the pages. you remember being curious about chan’s loud gasp and vernon’s visceral reaction—granted it was an invasion of privacy—but everyone wrote in journals. you’d chalked it up to embarrassing recounts of childhood days or stress written retellings of losing his favorite pair of socks in the wash.

not… you.

“is that why you didn’t speak to him for three days?” vernon looks up at the sound of your voice, surprised at the calm timbre and complete lack of the clearly expected teasing that usually followed revealing you’d written about your best friend in secret, and lifts a hand to rake through brown strands with a sigh.

“partly. it was really embarrassing, you know? also i was like twelve, and a little stupid, so a dramatic three-day long grudge was a nightmare to him. his mom even made him write an apology letter.”

you laugh again and he cracks a smile. “do you still have the journals?”

“oh, god, no. i burned them all along with my childhood dreams and aspirations to be a pilot.”

you look at him. he looks at you. and you look at him. and he looks back at you. silence hangs between the two of you again, prolonged for a moment too long, and you see the way he relaxes into the couch. his mistake, honestly.

you take that moment to bolt from your seated position, socked feet sliding against the floor as you make a break for him room. you hear his alarmed sound of protest, quickly discarding the remote to run after you, and unfortunately makes it to his bedroom door before you.

“let me see them!”

“i would literally rather bungee jump off of mount everest than let you read my pubescent diary entries.”

313 notes · View notes

enhaheeseung · 2 years

Text

Popcorn pt.2

Pairing: heeseung X fem reader!

Warnings: leaving them out cause I don’t want to spoil anything. But it does include mature themes, so if you’re underage, dni!

Note: sorry I kept you all waiting so long for part 2. But here it is. This has actually been written for awhile, I’m only just now posting it.

TMI: I was actually eating popcorn while writing this, lol

Masterlist

Popcorn pt.1🍿 *not proofread*

WC 10,000?

The next day you woke up and stretched, feeling an unfamiliar ache all over your lower body, and it clicked immediately. Everything from last night came flooding back to your memory.

You still couldn’t believe what you had done. Not cause you exactly regretted it, but for the fact that you let some random guy off the street take your virginity in a theater.

What’s wrong with me?

And you didn’t even catch his name. You could only imagine what a whore he must have thought you were.

Not to say all that mattered. It’s not like you’d see him again anyways,

but still.

You flailed in your sheets, cringing at yourself.

“Y/n, how could you be so foolish?” You talked to yourself in bed, replaying the events and trying to make sense of what happened. Before you knew it, it was already in the afternoon, but you couldn’t pull yourself out of bed.

This was definitely going to take some time to get over.

Heeseung had already gone about most of his day, and you were on his mind for a big part of it.

I wonder if she goes to the theater often? Maybe she lives nearby? Could I possibly get so lucky to see her again?

He thought.

Thank goodness no one could read his mind cause he knew he would sound like such a fool. Like seriously, what were the chances of seeing you again.

He couldn’t recall a time where he’s seen the same person more than once, except for school or stores, but that doesn’t really count.

He sighs, making his way home, not too focused on the road and only thinking about meeting you again, until he heard a loud horn beeping. He looked up immediately to see he was about to cross the street into oncoming traffic.

He stopped dead in his tracks clutching his beating heart. And breathing a sigh of relief.

Thankfully, no one was harmed in his act of carelessness, but he realized he should forget you and move on. Judging by the looks of it, it would only hurt him anyways.

It took you nearly two weeks to get over your little incident. Although, no matter how much time had passed, there was no way you could forget your first time.

Speaking of time, your period was oddly late. And that was unusual cause it was always the same every month.

And you being you, began to panic. What if? No. Did I let him cum inside of me?

I did?

I did.

Oh god. It can’t be. I’m too young to be a parent. I’m barely making it on my own as it is. And the absolute worst part is that I’m not even in contact with the father.

You didn’t notice when you started crying. “Okay, don’t worry, it’s gonna be okay. I might not even be pregnant. Maybe I’m just paranoid.” breathe, breathe.

Okay.

Well, that didn’t work.

There’s only one thing left to do. You grabbed your coat and ran to the nearest convenience store.

You found the section where they kept the pregnancy test and reached for one with your shaking hands. Just before you grabbed it, a voice startled you, causing the test to fall off the shelf.

You looked in the direction where the voice came from and…

fucking

way.

It was the guy from the theater, the man that took all your innocence.

“Hi” was all he said. He wanted to say so much more, but he didn’t know where to start, and he didn’t even know your name.

Umm, okay, why the fuck is he talking to me? He really could have pretended he didn’t see me and avoided this whole very awkward situation.

“Hey,” you replied quietly. He leaned down to pick up whatever it was that you had dropped, and his expression morphed. So many thoughts were running through his head.

Could it be mine? No, but she was a virgin when I met her, so is there already someone else?

“I see you’ve been busy” he tried to joke about it and ignore the racing of his heart.

You glared at him.

“I could say the same to you.”

He tilted his head in confusion.

“Huh?”

“It’s because of you why I’m even here.”

“So you mean.. you’re saying that I could have gotten you….” He trailed off.

“Yes, You idiot!” You started slapping his chest. Needless to say, it didn’t hurt him one bit.

He just chuckled and grabbed your wrist, holding you still. He looked down at you with a huge smile on his face.

“You’re so cute.”

“What!? Let go of me you fool. Do you even know what this means?”

“We’re gonna be parents!” he said, sounding a bit too excited for the current situation you were both in, but he couldn’t help it. He was just too happy that he found you again. The fact that you might be pregnant didn’t quite register in his brain yet.

“No genius, we’re too young for a baby. How are we going to pay for him or her? for christ's sake, we aren’t even a couple, and now the baby is gonna grow up with single parents,” you sighed.

If you weren’t so worried about possibly being pregnant, you would have noticed the way his face dropped into a frown and the soft tug as he let go of your wrist.

“What do you mean by single parents?”

“Do I have to spell everything out for you? It’s not like we’re dating, nor would I want to, and I don’t even know your name or anything about you.”

“You could have just asked instead of insulting me every two seconds. Hi, I’m heeseung” he extended his hand to shake yours.

You looked at his hand and ignored it.

“Good to know. I’m y/n, now let’s just get out of here” you paid for the test with the stares of many from all the commotion you stirred up, but you were too concerned about your future to care.

You walked home in silence. Your brain getting more exercise than your legs. As it was running a mile a minute.

He walked next to you with his head down, and his hands shoved into his pockets.

He had a lot of things to consider. If you were indeed pregnant, he’d have to drop out of school, get a job, and definitely change his laid back attitude and perspective about things.

Finally, you were inside your home. You led him to your bedroom and told him to wait outside.

“Are you sure?”

“Unless you want to come in.”

“Of course, I want to be there for you and our baby.”

“We don’t even know that for sure yet.”

“I have a feeling” he smiled, but he was actually so worried about it. He would be delighted if you were pregnant with his child, but, he was just so scared he wouldn’t be a good dad and wouldn’t be able to provide for his family, he didn’t have the best relationship with his parents, and he was afraid of repeating the same cycle.

“Ready?” Your question knocked him from his thoughts.

“As I’ll ever be” you grabbed his hand and gave it a small squeeze. You couldn’t even imagine how he must have been feeling.

You left to go take the test and came back soon, awaiting the results.

You both sat on your bed.

“I’m sorry. y/n, it’s all my fault,” he said, seeing how scared you looked.

“Hey, it’s not either of our faults, we both made a really stupid mistake, and now it’s just how we handle things moving forward.”

He didn’t like the fact that you saw it as a mistake. But he wasn’t going to get into all that right now.

The timer you set went off.

You both gave each other a look.

“Do you wanna look at the same time?”

He just nodded his head.

You flipped it around, and boom.

“Two lines, pregnant” just when he was going to cheer, he heard your loud sobs and instantly pulled you into a hug, trying to comfort you.

“It’s okay y/n. I’m going to do everything in my power to take care of you both, I promise.”

“Can I just be alone right now?”

He felt a pang in his chest, he wanted to see you again, but he could have never pictured this was how things would turn out. For some very stupid reason, he thought you would be just as excited to see him, but it was the total opposite.

“Okay,” he sighed and left the room quietly.

He waited and waited and waited some more. Hours had passed, and it was already dark outside.

He made his way to your bedroom door, knocking on it softly.

“Y/n, are you still in there? Could you open up?” He heard the lock click and backed away from the door a little.

“How are you doing?” He asks, hoping your mood is better than it was earlier.

“You should probably go. It’s late” you ignored his question.

“So? I don’t care. I just want to make sure you’re alright before I go.”

“Well, if you cared about me being alright, you would have never had sex with me in the first place.”

“Come on, don’t play that card on me. We both wanted it and didn’t think of the repercussions.”

He was right. But you didn’t want to hear that right now.

“Y/n, I’m going to be here for you, okay? Don’t worry about a thing. It’s not good for you or the baby if you’re stressed” he tried to rub your stomach, but you backed away from him.

“Fine, you can push me away now, but I’m going to have to be here at some point, we made the baby together, and we’re going to raise it together no matter our difference’s”

You watched him walk out the door, leaving you all alone.

That’s what you wanted, right?

Once he got home, he called his parents and already knew what the response was going to be, and it didn’t surprise him one bit. he knew he was in this all alone.

It didn’t take long before he dropped out of school and put in applications everywhere, even if it was miles away from where he lived.

He would do whatever he needed to make sure you were safe, and his baby was healthy.

You didn’t know what to do. He said he would take care of you, but for how long? Would he just get bored and leave? What could you do? There was no way you could work and carry the baby all alone.

You had no idea what kind of person he was, and it scared you to even get to know him better.

You rubbed your tummy and talked to the little human growing inside you.

“We’ll be fine, baby. Even if it’s just you and me,” you tried to reassure yourself.

Five months had gone by. Heeseung had been checking in on you every now and then, bringing you certain foods that you were craving, holding your hair when you would throw up, and helping you around your apartment. He would take break and come over to see you sometimes if he was having an extra bad day.

Today was one of those days. He called you in advance before coming over, as he always did. Most of the time, you didn’t want him coming over cause you didn’t want to get used to being with him, just for him to disappear after the baby was born.

He entered your room looking extremely tired. Well, he always looked tired, but today it was obvious.

He came and sat next to you on the bed with a half smile and dark circles under his eyes.

“So, how’s mommy doing today?” He traced his fingertips over your small bump.

“Feeling okay? You want anything in particular?”

You just shook your head as a no.

“I have a day off tomorrow, so we can go to the clinic and get an ultrasound to see the gender,” he spoke quietly.

“Okay,” this was how all the visits went, he would do all the talking, and you would reply with a few words.

“I’ll try to be over a little earlier than now” You nodded your head.

He pecked your forehead. Something he’s never done before, and you can’t say that you didn’t like it. It was actually quite nice. Lately, you could feel yourself falling for him day by day.

The big smile on his face when he could feel the baby kick, the soft touches he left on your belly as he hummed a tune to his baby.

And you grew particularly fond of seeing him coming over from work. You felt like you could get used to this. And seeing his face every day didn’t sound too bad at all. But you couldn’t get your hopes up, months were left till the due date, and it was his baby. After all, that’s probably the only reason he stayed.

To him, on the other hand, he wished you weren’t so passive about everything. All he wanted was a hello when he came over and maybe a how was your day?, but he got nothing.

Day by day, the stress was getting to him, and he had no one. The only thing that kept him going was the fact that he saw you every day, and he knew he was doing the right thing for his child.

He actually forgot he didn’t have a day off. Normally he did, but he picked up extra hours. His first job started at 4 in the morning and his second job at 1 till 9.

He’d just have to take an early leave, that’s all. He made time in between to see you on breaks, and during the hour he got between jobs, he’d sleep in the parking lot.

It wasn’t easy. But if it meant the two of his most beloved people in the world being happy, he’d do it all and so much more.

You had got ready to go to the clinic, and now you were just waiting for him.

You instantly started to worry, thinking he wouldn’t make it, but before you felt that bubble of anxiety build in your stomach, the front door flew open.

“Sorry, I’m late. The traffic was terrible today.”

“It’s fine. Are you ready to go?”

“More than ready. I’m so excited!” He kneeled down on the ground, talking to the baby inside your stomach. “Today is a big day. Today daddy gets to learn even more about you, I love you so much, and I haven’t even met you yet” he placed his hand over your stomach and kissed the back of it. He didn’t want to kiss your tummy in case it made you uncomfortable. At this point, he assumed it had been long enough to determine that you didn’t want anything to do with him.

He still tried, though.

He reached for your hand, praying you’d grab it, and he couldn’t hold his smile when your tiny fingers slid between his,

And just maybe, his assumption was a bit off.

“Let’s go” he opened the door for you and led you to the passenger seat to buckle you in, “is it too tight?” He asked, looking at you, but the proximity of his face was making it hard to think.

“F-fine, it’s fine” you cleared your throat once he made his way to the driver's side.

“We’re here” he parked in an empty space and helped you to the building.

You checked in at the desk and waited for your appointment. It wasn’t long before you were both led to an empty room.

You lay on the bed and waited for the results.

While the tech was scanning, she asked if heeseung was your husband, to which you immediately replied with a no.

Then she just had to keep prying and asked if he was your boyfriend, and this time heeseung spoke up before you got the chance.

“Yes, I’m her boyfriend” he knew she was hitting on him, so he used this as an opportunity to act like your boyfriend. He held your hand and stroked it with the back of his thumb. He hadn’t touched you often, or unless it was absolutely necessary, and it was killing him inside. He just wanted to be close with you.

“Well, you’re a very lucky girl,” she announced while looking at heeseung and winking at him. He didn’t even notice. He was too focused on you to pay attention to anything else.

You just rolled your eyes at her. If it had been any other setting, you probably wouldn’t have cared, but right now, she was getting on your very last nerve.

But who were you kidding? It could have been any setting, and it would have still made you jealous.

“Are we almost done?”

She didn’t pay any attention to you and just continued the exam.

Once you two were about to finish, heeseung already had an idea in mind.

“Could you do us a favor and put the pictures and results in an envelope? We would like to reveal it in a more private setting” he had already confirmed that it was okay with you. He wanted the reveal to be at your apartment, the same place you got the results of your pregnancy test.

“Of course”

And finally, your appointment was finished, but you were still fuming at that woman or thing rather. The audacity she has to flirt with the father of your child made you sick.

“Are you feeling okay?” He asked once you got inside the car. Noticing that you looked upset.

“I’m fine. I just can’t believe that”

“Believe what?”

“That disgusting witch trying to hit on you right in front of me, like have some kind of professionalism at least, how low do you have to be to flirt with a man in front of his baby and….” You trailed off, not knowing what he considered you.

“And the mother of his child,” he finished your statement for you.

“I guess people have nothing better to do these days” you folded your arms, still upset.

“She actually didn’t look half bad” he was trying to get a reaction out of you. If he was being honest, he didn’t even remember what she looked like.

“Are you serious right now?”

“What? It’s not like me and you are together. I’m a free man. I can look at whoever I want.”

“But I- just whatever” you felt a tiny ache in your heart,

“Are you jealous or something?”

“Why would I be? You said it yourself we’re not together,” you replied with an attitude.

“I’m kidding! I was focused on you the whole time” he put his hand on your knee, testing the waters. “And for your information, I wouldn’t mind one bit being together with you.”

You looked out the window to avoid his gaze, but he could see the slight smile forming on your face just before you turned your head away.

Finally, he felt like he was making some progress with you. And maybe if he played his cards right, you would be his sooner than later.

You made it home safely, and now it was the big moment to figure out the gender. Your heart was racing.

He took out the envelope, and before opening it, he led you to have a seat on your bed.

“Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be,” you responded.

“Okay,” he breathed out. And opened it.

“It’s a girl!” You squealed.

“Oh my god, we’re having a baby girl!” the amount of joy he felt in his heart was immeasurable. “Can I hug you?”

You’ve denied him so much. The least you could do was let him enjoy this moment.

You nodded your head and let him engulf you in the best hug you’ve ever felt. He was so warm, and his heartbeat was so comforting that you didn’t want to let him go.

He pulled back slightly to examine your face. He hoped you couldn’t hear the racing of his heart as he slowly inched his face closer to you, and just when his lips were about to touch yours the alarm on his watch had different plans, it read 12:30pm, and he had to leave soon so he wouldn’t be late for his other job.

He wanted to take it off his wrist and stomp on it till it broke, but he knew he had to go. He pulled away from you reluctantly and turned off the alarm.

“Damn, I’m sorry. I uhh I have to go now” he couldn’t believe he had the perfect opportunity, and it got away over a stupid fucking alarm, Heeseung, you stupid fucking idiot. He cursed himself out silently.

He turned around to leave, but you didn’t want him to. You felt that same ache in your heart.

“W-where are you going?”

he snapped his head in your direction, surprised that you were even asking.

“Oh, I have to go to work.”

“I thought you had a day off?”

“Well, I thought I did too, but now I’m off to the second one. I kinda forgot I picked up an extra day, but more work, more pay, right?” He tried to smile, but you could see just how forced it was.

“Oh, okay” you looked down and placed a hand on your belly.

“Why? Is there something I can get you before I leave?” You felt horrible after hearing what he just said. You had no idea he worked two jobs, no wonder he looked so tired, and every time he came over, he was fighting just to keep his eyes open.

And even though he was tired, he was still asking if you needed anything.

Your heart broke.

“No, I'm fine.”

“Okay, I’m off then, see you at, he looked down at his watch again, “around ten” he put his jacket and shoes on, right before he stepped out, you called him.

“Heeseung?”

“Yes?” He answered as you were saying his name, looking at you with a hopeful glint in his eyes.

You walked closer to him at the door.

“Have a good day at work” you gave him one final hug, and maybe deep down, hoping he would try to kiss you again.

“Thank you,” he sighed into your hair. And rubbed your bump. “Daddy will be back before you know it” he smiled at you one last time and closed the door.

You went back to bed feeling disappointed. Just before you sat down, the door swung open.

“Oh, did you forget something?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact, I did” he walked closer to you and closed any distance between you and him. There was no way he was going to leave without kissing you.

He kissed you with so much passion that it made you feel light headed. And if you could have stopped time then and there, you wouldn’t have thought twice about it.

You kissed him back with hopes that he could feel just an ounce of what he made you feel.

He put his hands on your waist and deepened the kiss. Your hands automatically found themselves in his hair, kissing him with a bit more force than before.

He groaned when you sucked on his lip. He backed you up to the foot of the bed and laid you down softly while hovering over you.

He attached his lips to your neck and gradually made his way higher, swiping his tongue over your ear and sucking on it lightly.

“Heeseung,” you moaned out, rubbing yourself against his thigh that was rested between your legs.

“Wait,” he propped himself up on his hands.

“What’s wrong?” You asked, a little worried that he didn’t want you after all.

“I’m so sorry” he closed his eyes and rested his forehead against yours, sighing onto your lips. “I have to go,” he told you regretfully.

You cupped his face in your hands.

“Hey, it’s okay. You’ll be coming back, right?”

“Of course, I’ll come back as soon as I can, I promise” he kissed your forehead and got off of your bed.

“I don’t want to go,” he whined while jumping up and down slightly, Holding your hand in his.

“The quicker you leave, the quicker you come back, right?”

“Right,” he smiled at you and kissed your lips one last time “bye, y/n”

“Bye, heeseung,” you waved and blew him a kiss. He caught it and walked out the door just moments later.

Your heart was racing, your body was on fire, and your mind was foggy, did you just? Did he just? Were we about to?

Oh my god.

You plopped down on your pillow.

He felt just as good as you remember, if not better, you wanted to punch yourself for not opening up to him sooner, not just for the prospect of having sex, but he was just so sweet and caring and lovable.

You wished you could get that time back, but you couldn’t. From now on, you were going to treat him the way he deserves to be.

He thought about you the whole time he was at work, he touched his lips and smiled to himself, thinking about how perfect you looked laying down on your back and those cute but yet so seductive moans you let out.

He quickly shook his head and focused. He couldn’t allow himself to have those kinds of thoughts in a work environment.

But it was harder than he expected. The image of you was stained in his memory.

He couldn’t believe you were finally reciprocating his feelings.

His day seemed to go by quicker than usual, and before he knew it, he was already back on his way to see his girls.

“Hey, I got back as fast as I could” he quickly covered his mouth when he saw you fast asleep, with your hand resting on your exposed tummy, he pulled out his phone and snapped a few pictures, actually more than just a few, but that would be his little secret.

He walked closer and pecked your forehead, stroking your cheek with his thumb to wake you up.

You stirred in your sleep, and your eyes fluttered open.

“Hi,” he removed his hand from your face.

“You’re already here?”

“Already? It’s been nearly ten hours.”

Your eyes widen in shock.

“I must have overslept. I'm sorry.”

“It’s fine. I’m sure you needed it, and the baby too. I bought you dinner. I didn’t know what you liked, so I just guessed.”

You looked in the bag after he handed it to you, “It’s my favorite!“ you said in excitement.

“Really? I guess I did good then” he was all smiles watching you enjoy your food.

“You always do good, and speaking of good, how was your day at work?”

He still couldn’t believe you were actually starting a conversation with him.

“It was great!” He contemplated his next words cause he didn’t exactly know where he stood, but screw it. “It was the best day I’ve ever had, thanks to you.”

You nearly choked on your food.

“M-me? How?”

“Just you in general, you make me so happy” surely, the words left his mouth so casually from lack of sleep, but he meant each and every last one of them.

To say that you were squealing inside like a school girl would be an absolute understatement.

“D-did you eat yet?” You tried to avoid having this conversation.

“I ate at work, but I guess I’m still a little hungry.”

“Here, you can have some of mine.”

“No, no, no, that’s for you and the baby. Besides, I think I’m craving for something sweet” he licked his lips while looking at you.

“Well, I don’t know what to tell you cause the fridge and pantry are empty” he inched closer to you on the bed.

“Well, It’s not exactly something that gets stored,” he leaned in close to your ear, “as a matter of fact, it’s something that’s often served in bed or, in our case, maybe even a theater,” he licked the shell of your ear.

You gulped.

“O-oh, so you mean, you want breakfast in bed?”

“Come on, sweetheart. I know you’re not that dense.”

The nickname made your heart do a flip.

“And what if I am?” You tried to remain calm.

“Then, it will be my pleasure to show you exactly what I mean” he grabbed your now empty plate and set it aside, making sure there would be no interruptions.

“Just lay back, and I’ll do all the work” he motioned for you to raise your hips, and you gladly obeyed. He pulled down your shorts and underwear. Noticing the huge wet patch on the crotch area. “See? I knew you weren’t that oblivious”

“Or it just doesn’t take that much for you to make me wet.”

“Is that so?” he wasted no time kneading on the flesh of your thighs and kissing them everywhere he could touch with his lips.

He just started, but there was only so much longer he could wait to taste you, and your smell mixed with his slow movements was making him grow impatient. He spread your legs open and looked at you on full display, not believing that you were all his.

He all but pushed his face against your heat, flicking his tongue on your clit a few times before licking long stripes in between your folds. The moans that left your lips made him even harder than he already was if that was possible at this point. He was so hard that it almost hurt.

“Tastes so good, sweetheart” he stuck his tongue in your hole, licking the most sensitive spot on your opening. Your back arched off the bed, and you gripped the sheets.

His nose brushed along your clit softly, adding a tingling sensation in the pit of your stomach.

He retracted his tongue from your hole and rubbed his face all over your pussy. completely covering his face in your wetness.

“Fuck, heeseung, god, that feels so good” it’s a wonder how you hadn’t already cum all over his face.

“Mmm, You like that?”

“So so much, so good” you bucked your hips into his face, almost riding it at this point.

He didn’t even try to hold you still. he found it so hot, how you used his face for your own pleasure.

Just when you were about to cum he stopped.

“Are you sure you want this?” He asked you.

“Couldn’t be more sure.”

He unbuttoned his dress shirt and exposed his bare chest. You noticed how his muscles flexed with just the smallest of movements.

His hands traveled down to his belt, quickly undoing it, and last but not least, he pulled his slacks off along with his underwear.

You had seen him before only in the dimly lit theater, but up close and with the light coming from your bedside lamp, he looked absolutely perfect. It was a sight you’d have to see to believe, and lucky for you, no one else would.

He sat on his knees at the foot of the bed with his hard, leaking cock in desperate need of attention, but he made sure to take his time with you and kiss every inch of your skin, from your feet to your visible stretch marks on your stomach and lastly his favorite. Your beautiful lips.

“Heeseung,” you moaned into his mouth, kissing and exchanging each other’s saliva.

“Yes, sweetheart?” He pulled your shirt over your head and kissed all over your chest, making sure not a single millimeter of your body was left untouched by him.

“I want you now.”

“Is that right? Cause I was thinking the same thing” he pushed your knees up a little and held his aching cock at your entrance.

“Are you sure I’m what you want? Do you want me to be here for you? To be a father to our baby?”

“Yes, you’re the only one I want. I couldn’t ask for anyone better,” and maybe if you weren’t too caught up in the pleasure he was giving you, you might have noticed just that small hint of doubt in the back of your mind.

“Me neither” he pushed his tip in nice and slow, breathing heavily from the tightness of your pussy.

He leveled his head with yours, whispering words of encouragement and affection in your ear.

You felt tears prick in your eyes from the stretch and sensitivity.

“Heeseung, I-I don’t think I can take it,” you huffed out a breath, feeling him halt all his movements.

“Yes, you can, baby, you’ve done it before,” he inched back and forth as slowly as possible. Letting you get used to his size. “Just breathe, remember?” You started to relax a little bit. He eased in a bit further and further till he was all the way in.

“See? I told you, sweetheart,” he licked up and down your jawline while holding your neck firmly in his hand. “You’re so warm and tight. It feels so fucking good.” He groaned in your ear, pulling his dick out halfway, then pushing it back in, thrusting his hips into you again and again.

“Heeseung, fuck, your cock feels good.”

“Mhm, he moaned softly in your ear. He was a sucker for praise and even more so in the bedroom. “You like that? I know you do.”

He looked down to where he was thrusting in and out of you.

“Look at you. Your pussy is just swallowing my cock”

“You’re so big. And s-so deep, your cock is so amazing” he was hitting all the right spots that made you tick.

“If you keep talking to me like that, I won’t be able to hold it much longer.”

You tangled your hands in his hair.

“Then, don’t, don’t hold back, fill me up again with your cum”

“Shit, is that what you want? Want me to give you another baby? I can give you all of my babies, sweetheart,” he smirked, feeling how you tightened around him after the mention of having another baby.

“Fuck yes, heeseung give me all of your kids” you clawed at his back, sure to leave marks behind in the morning.

He caressed your swollen bud to bring you to your climax even quicker.

“Harder, heeseung, please fuck me harder.”

“Oh god,” he felt himself twitch, and a few hard deep thrusts later, you were clenching on his cock nonstop. The sensitivity was overwhelming as you reached your high.

Not even a second later and he was filling you to the brim with his seed, spurt after spurt coated your pulsating walls as he stilled inside you.

He captured your lips in a messy heated kiss. It wasn’t his intention, but the pleasure he felt was just too intense, and he was in such a vulnerable state. He’s never felt this close to anyone ever. His next words came out almost unknowingly.

“I love you y/n” he tiredly thrusts his hips into you, making sure to fill you up with everything he had to give. “I love you so much” he kissed your temple as you held him even tighter, wanting him to be closer than he already was.

You were shocked when you heard the words fall from his lips. It scared you to death to say it back.

The room fell silent. Only the sounds of his breath returning back to normal could be heard.

He was waiting, waiting for you to say it back.

But you never did, and his heart broke into a million little pieces.

He pecked your lips one last time before pulling out of you hesitantly. He put his underwear on and searched for the rest of his clothes. You sat there silently watching him.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and buttoned his shirt back as slow as possible, one button at a time.

He locked the buckle to his belt, dragging out every last move he made, hoping you would say it back.

“Where are you going?” Your voice cracked as you tried to speak.

“Home,” he answered plainly, trying to stop his voice from quivering but failed.

“It’s really late. Why don’t you spend the night and go back in the morning?”

“I don’t have any clothes here, and I’d have to leave early to go home and then to work, so it’s best I leave now” he walked over to you on the bed and stroked your stomach like he always did before he left. “daddy will be back before you know it little one,” he said those same words every time he left, for him he was making a promise to you and the baby, that he would always come back. But this time, it was just a bit harder for him to feel like keeping that promise.

“Heeseung, please stay” you grabbed his hand.”

“Why should I?”

Even though you were scared, you couldn’t think of anyone else you’d rather try with. He was the father of your child, and he did everything he said he would. If you had to let your guard down for anyone, he was definitely that person.

“Because I love you too” he made eye contact with you for the first time since he got out of your bed.

“Are you sure? Cause it just doesn’t seem that way.”

“I’m sure. I’m just scared. I keep having these thoughts of you leaving us for someone else or just disappearing with the baby is born. I just didn’t want to get my hopes up, but it was impossible not to fall in love with you. When you took care of me and our baby, it broke my heart to see how much you’ve gone through for us, and I’m sorry for shutting you out for so long. I’m ashamed of the way I treated you, But now I just want to give you the love you deserve.”

He grabbed your hand and cupped your cheek, making you look up at him.

“Look at me. I’m not going anywhere. I promise you two girls are my world. There’s nothing I’d trade you for. I would never leave you. And don’t be ashamed I’d be scared if I were you too. Heck, you have no idea how worried I was in the beginning. My parents don’t support me. I had to drop out of school and get a job, but I made it work cause I wanted us to work. I didn’t tell you any of this cause I didn’t want to stress you out even more than you already were, I felt terrible that I couldn’t be there for you, but I made a promise to myself that I’d do any and everything in my power to keep you both safe and healthy. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. There’s no need to worry cause you’ll always have me.”

He wiped the tears that had run down your cheek.

“Heeseung, thank you for everything. I don’t know where I’d be without you. And I love you so much.”

You pulled him into a hug.

“I love you so much too.”

“So, are you staying?” You dried up the stray tears on his cheek.

“Well, I don’t know. You made me get all dressed up again.”

You slapped his chest.

“Okay, maybe I could spend the night” he smiled at you pecking your lips sweetly. “But I really don’t have any spare clothes, and these are all sweaty from work,” he scrunched up his nose.

“Who said you needed any clothes?”

“Okay, I guess I’ll just sleep in my underwear then” he got up and undressed himself again.

“Who said anything about sleep?”

“O-oh, oh,” and for the first time, you saw him blush when he realized what you meant.

“Don’t get all shy on me now. A couple of minutes ago, you were promising me more babies, and now you’re backing down?”

“Who said anything about backing down?” He cocked his eyebrow.

“That’s more like it, now stop running your mouth and fuck me.”

“Y/n! Not in front of our baby.”

“Sorry, you rolled your eyes “get over here and make love to me, better?”

“Much better”

neither of you had sex since you found out the news of being pregnant. And let’s just say you made up for all the lost time. In just one night.

You woke up the next day to heeseung getting dressed. This is what you dreaded the most, watching him leave. Every time he left, it felt like your heart was breaking.

“Oh, hi sweetheart, now that you’re awake, I can say bye” he laid next to you in bed.

“I hate when you leave” now that you revealed your feelings for him you could finally say what was on your mind.

“Me too. But when the baby gets here, we will have more time together” he rubbed your stomach.

“I hope so” you rested your hand over his.

“I know so, I’m getting a raise soon, and I’ve already saved up about twenty thousand dollars so far, and when our little girl finally gets here, I’ll have almost double that”

“Come again?”

“Sweetheart, let’s just say I’ve been working a lot,” he laughed.

“I wish I could help you. I’m just laid up in bed doing nothing,” you sighed.

“I don’t want to hear such nonsense from you ever again” his voice was stern. “You call giving me the greatest gift nothing? Besides, you’re the prettiest when you lay on your back. easy and accessible” he winked at you.

“Not in front of our baby,” you mimicked his tone.

“Okay, okay, well, mommy and baby, daddy has to go now, oh and I made you breakfast. I didn’t know what you liked, so there’s coffee in the pot and juice in the fridge” he put on his suit jacket and shoes.

“And you?”

“I eat at work, remember?” Even though he really didn’t, he was more stressed than he was letting on, but he kept it to himself cause he didn't want you to worry.

“Right” he kissed your forehead and tummy one last time.

“But thank you for asking, sweetheart” he was halfway out of the door before he ran back inside and kissed you once last time. “Bye, I love you.”

“I love you more, now go before you’re late” you almost had to push him off of you.

For the first time since he started coming over, it wasn’t all too bad seeing him leave cause you knew he was coming back.

“Let's go eat breakfast, little one.”

The rest of your pregnancy was going by in the blink of an eye. Heeseung was there with you every step of the way, just like he promised. However, you didn’t like seeing him come over every day looking completely exhausted.

He kept reassuring you that he was fine, but you could tell he wasn’t.

“Babe? Are you sure you’re doing okay?”

He was just staring off into space, not paying attention to the world around him.

“Babe? Baby? Heeseung?!” You shook his body a little.

“What? What is it? What’s wrong?” He looked at you with a worried look on his face.

“I asked if you’re okay.”

“I already told you, for the last time, I’m fine. I don’t know why you have to keep bothering me” he got out of bed. “Can you not tell that I’m fine?”

You couldn’t. Dark eye bags, pale skin, he wasn’t that big, to begin with, but even his weight had dropped significantly, and he was always irritated.

“Yeah, perfectly fine, I won’t bother you anymore.” you laid down and ignored him.

He instantly regretted his reaction towards you.

“Baby, please don’t ignore me, you’re right.” He sighed and kneeled down next to the bed, “I’m sorry, I just don’t want you to worry about me. You’re the main focus right now and you could never be a bother to me.”

“I already know how you feel, but how am I not supposed to be worried about you?”

“You must really love me, don’t you?”

“So much” a few tears rolled down your cheeks.

“Aww, don’t cry. I hate it when you cry. I promise I’ll do better from now on, and you know I never break my promises, now stop crying, sweetheart, I’m gonna be okay. we’re gonna be okay.” He pressed a kiss to your forehead.

“Pinky promise,” he intertwined his pinky with yours, “now sleep. You look like you're about to pass out” you wiped the rest of your tears.

“I know you’re a mom, but you’re not my mom so you can’t tell me what to do.”

“Don’t act like a child and I won’t.”

“I- you’re right,” he sighed in defeat, “good night, sweetheart, I love you.”

“I love you more,” and if he wasn’t so tired, he would have made you say it over and over again.

You woke up in the middle of the night. You felt a wet patch and liquid flowing out of you when you sat up. And it finally came to you. Your water had broke.

You instantly woke heeseung up from his sleep.

“What is it sweetheart?” He rubbed his eyes, looking at you.

“My water just broke,” you said a little too calmly for his liking.

“Your what?! We have to go now! Get up and go to the car! He stopped and looked at you “Wait! Don’t go to the car. I’ll take you to the car. Let me grab the bags.”

He threw the blankets off his body and jumped out of bed, grabbing all the bags he had packed for the hospital in case you went into labor soon.

“Where are the keys? He mutters to himself, patting down his pockets.

“On the nightstand, babe” you just sat there and watched him go through his little crisis.

“Thank you, sweetheart” he snatched them up loaded the car, and drove off. He pulled out his phone and called you, “honey, am I forgetting something? Cause I feel like I’m forgetting something.”

You moved the phone away from your ear so he wouldn’t hear you laughing. “Umm, I think so. There should be something or someone rather, in the passenger seat.”

He felt like a complete idiot. How could he forget the reason he was leaving to begin with, “oh my god! Baby, I’m so sorry. I’m coming back inside to get you.” You ended the call and held your stomach laughing hysterically.

He came rushing back into the bedroom.

“This is no laughing matter, sweetheart. You’re about to go into labor. We have to go now!”

“Heeseung, it’s not that serious. It’s not like I’m in pain or anything.”

“You’re not?” He picked you up and carried you to the car with your hands wrapped around his neck.

“No, at least not yet.”

“We should still leave. That baby could pop out any minute” he scratched the back of his neck, feeling stupid for his erratic behavior.

Luckily, it was a pretty short drive to the hospital. He was a little more coordinated this time. He took you inside and got you checked into a room, and left to grab your bags.

Now it was just the waiting game.

Soon enough, you began feeling intense contractions. Heeseung stayed by your side the whole time, holding your hand, he wanted to do something to make your pain go away, but he knew he couldn’t.

With a few more contractions, pushes, and heavy breaths featuring a river full of heeseung’s tears, your baby girl was finally here.

“Can I hold her?” Heeseung asked in a voice barely above a whisper. After they cut the umbilical cord, He reached out to grab her tiny body. As soon as she was in his arms, she started crying. “Aww, it’s okay baby, it’s me, it’s daddy” her cries died down as she began sucking on her thumb.

He looked over at you to see you already staring at him “you did it!” he kissed your forehead.

“We did it” you smile at him feeling exhausted.

“Wanna go say hi to mommy?” He placed her in your hands gently. Sitting in a chair next to your bed.

“She has your eyes, so shiny and beautiful.”

“She does, doesn’t she?” He said while looking fondly at the both of you.

“So, what are we going to name her?”

“I was thinking crystal,” he said shyly.

“Why crystal?

“Never mind. It’s dumb. What did you have in mind?”

“Babe, come on, I’m sure it’s not dumb, go ahead and tell me.”

“It’s just crystals are known for healing and creating a positive atmosphere, so I just thought that would be the perfect name for her,” he tells you.

“I think that crystal is a beautiful name.”

“You think so?”’

You nodded, watching her sucking on her little thumb, “crystal it is,” you looked up at heeseung, watching his lips curve up into that perfect smile of his.

You spent the night in the hospital just to make sure everything was fine. The next day you both went home and got everything set up for your newborn. Well, heeseung did anyways, insisting that you should rest more.

Later that night, heeseung laid down with you on the bed, holding baby crystal in his arms. He couldn’t keep his hands off her.

“You’re hogging her all to yourself, babe,” you pouted.

“Hogging? Do you even want to go there with me right now? You literally carried her for almost nine months, and you’re talking about hogging, baby, I hate to tell you this, but your mommy has some loose screws,” he said in a cute voice rubbing his nose on her tiny face.

“I do not,” you gasped, pretending to be offended.

“Fine, you can take her.”

He pulled out his phone to snap some pictures of you two.

“The two most beautiful girls in the whole world” he set the picture as his Lock Screen and Home Screen right after he took it.

“And they just so happened to be accompanied by the most handsome man in the world.”

“I’d say sexy, but I suppose handsome is good for now.”

“Never mind, I take it back.”

“Nope. No take backs” he kissed your cheek.

“Actually, I have something even better.”

“Hmm?” He looked at you with curious eyes.

“To me, you’re the most handsomest sexiest, hottest lovable person on earth.”

“Stop it,” he whined.

“And with the biggest,” he quickly covered your mouth.

“Y/n! what’s the matter with you!?” He was shocked that you were even about to say something like that. Well, outside of being intimate anyways.

“What? I was just going to say with the biggest heart ever. Why? What were you thinking of? Wait, don’t tell me," he twiddle his thumbs while blushing, “wow, you really are a kinky, aren’t you?”

“I’m not” he buried his face in his pillow. You decided that was enough teasing for the night.

5 years had already passed since you had your little one. And just like heeseung promised, he spent more time with the both of you. He was there for crystals first words, her first steps, and even rubbed it in your face when she would pick him over you.

Everything was perfect.

Until the past few months, he always came home late. Oh yeah, he moved in with you shortly after crystal was born cause of the convenience of it. Plus, it was closer to his job.

But something just wasn’t sitting right with you, he always said he would work late, but one time you called his job cause you were feeling particularly anxious that day, and they said he had already left. You really wanted to trust him, but how could you when he was obviously lying to you.

Some nights you’d stay up late waiting for him, others sleeping on the couch or crying yourself to sleep.

“Mommy, wheres daddy?” Crystal approached you on the couch tugging at your shirt.

“Daddy is just working late, that’s all” you lied to her just like he lied to you, but what could you tell her? You didn’t even know where he was. Maybe he just got tired of you both. Those same doubts from when you were first pregnant came flooding your mind just like they did years ago.

“but I want daddy to tuck me in,” she pouted.

“I know, baby, I’m sure he’ll be here soon,” you decided to call him.

“Babe?”

“Talk to me, sweetheart.”

“Crystal wants you to tuck her in. Where are you?”

You could hear him sigh over the line.

“Honey, I’m really busy with work, but I’ll be over as soon as possible” he was already making his way to the car while he was on the phone.

“Okay, see you soon?”

“Yes, you will, baby. Bye, I love you more than words can even describe”

You couldn’t help but chuckle.

“I love you more” you hung up the call, hoping he’d come over.

“Is daddy coming?

“He’s on his way, baby” you distracted her with her favorite toys, and soon enough, heeseung arrived.

“Daddy!” Crystal ran to him, immediately hugging his leg.

“There she is! Look at you. You’re getting so big” he picked her up in his arms. “And heavy,” he groaned.

“Did you miss daddy?” She nodded her head as a yes. “I missed you more. Does mommy talk about me when I’m gone?”

“No, mommy just cries a lot” you avoided eye contact with him.

He looked at you with furrowed eyebrows. He was definitely going to talk to you later, but not in front of crystal.

“Come on, daddy’s gonna tuck you in” he exited the room and came back a while later, somehow tucking in turned into reading a whole bedtime story, but he didn’t mind it one bit.

As soon as you heard the door to her room shut, you started to panic.

What am i going to tell him?

“So, sweetheart, what is this I hear about you crying?”

“I just miss you, that’s all” how could you be mad at him for lying, and you were lying to him yourself.

“Honey, you can’t really lie to me, you know. I’ve known you for six years. Just tell me what’s on your mind.”

“Please, don’t hate me” he looked at you with confusion written on his face.

“How could I ever hate you? Just tell me what’s wrong, yeah?”

“I'm worried that there’s someone else. I mean, you come home late and barely answer my calls. I called your job one time when you were late, and they said you weren’t there.”

“So you don’t trust me anymore? What is a relationship without trust?”

You just looked down, feeling guilty.

“I can’t believe you’d think so low of me” he wanted to tell you the truth so bad, but he couldn’t let you on to what he’s been planning.

“It’s not you. I think low of, I just figured maybe you’re bored of me, I don’t look the way I used to, and now that crystal is old enough to do things on her own, I just thought maybe you’d leave”

“Y/n, you’re breaking my heart right now. How could I ever get bored of you? You make me so happy. Just seeing you both every day makes my heart feel so content, and watching you being such a good mother makes me want to give you the world cause you deserve it and so much more and don’t even get me started on your appearance.

He grabbed your hand and made you stand up, “yep, that’s my girl, look at you” he gripped your waist, trailing his hands up and down your sides. He kissed your shoulder and reached in front of you, rubbing your stomach and making his way towards your breast’s, squeezing them softly.

He pressed his body into your backside, and you could feel his hard on.

“I know you feel that,” he whispered in your ear, and you felt shivers run down your spine. “Even after all these years, I could still cum in my pants at the mere sight of you,” he took a deep breath while rubbing himself against you.

“Heeseung,” you moaned.

“Sweetheart, let’s have another, please?”

You knew how bad he’s been wanting another baby, and you really wanted to give him one.

You turned around and pressed your lips against his giving him the green light.

“Jump” you jumped wrapping your legs around his waist.

Just when he was about to take you to the bedroom, crystal came out of her room, rubbing her tired eyes.

“Daddy, what are you doing to mommy?” He set you back on the ground gently.

He stared at you and panicked. His whole face flushed red while he stammered, trying to make up an excuse.

“You see, baby, when a man loves a-“ you turned to him, eyes nearly bulging out of your head. Was he really going to have “the talk” with a 5 year old.?

“What are you doing?” You whispered shouted.

“I don’t know. Do you have a better idea?”

“Baby, he was just tucking mommy in. You know how daddy tucks you in sometimes?” She nodded her tiny head.

You gave heeseung the eye for him to play along.

“Yup, I was just tucking mommy in,”

“Why is daddy turning red? And why is daddy acting weird?”

You turned around to look at him smirking.

He shook his head, signaling you not to.

“Well, baby, daddy is just weird.”

his jaw was practically on the ground, but he knew it was payback for all the times he teased you.

“Come on, baby, back to bed” you carried her in your arms and tucked her back in.

“How am I weird?” He asked when you got back from her room.

“You’re not. But it’s just so easy to tease you.”

“Well, I guess we’re even now.”

“I'd say so, now let’s finish what you started” you kissed him on the lips and led him to the bedroom.

It wasn’t even minutes before you were both completely naked and roaming all over each other’s bodies.

“Do you remember how we did it when we first met?”

“I actually don’t” you lied to get a reaction from him.

“O-oh, umm, never mind then,” and after all these years of being with him, you could tell whenever he lowered his tone just in the slightest, he was upset about something.

He gave you the perfect reaction. So why not tease him more?

“If it was special, I might have remembered” you sat on top of him, tracing his pecs with your index finger.

“It wasn’t special to you?” The sadness in his tone even more evident.

You sunk down on his cock, taking him by surprise. A loud gasp escaping him.

“Of course, I remember. How could I forget my first time, especially with someone as perfect as you.”

“So you think you’re funny n-now?” He moaned feeling feeling his tip in the deepest part of you.

His head tipped back, and you zeroed in on his neck, sucking on it and leaving dark marks everywhere your lips touched.

“I thought so,” you continued sucking on his neck down to his shoulders.

“Please just fuck me already,” he mewled out. It had been just a bit too long since he last had you, even though it hadn’t been a week yet.

“I’ve got you, baby” you rested your hands on his chest, starting out slowly, but it was just too slow for him.

“Sweetheart, you know I love taking my time with you. but tonight, I really just can’t wait.”

You lifted yourself all the way up and sunk back down on his hard pulsing cock, riding him as fast as you could.

“Oh y/n, that’s it. Don’t stop. Please don’t stop” he was moaning continuously, and you were worried that crystal might hear.

You guided his face to your chest, and he instantly latched his mouth on your nipple while you bounced up and down on him.

Usually, he was always very dominant in bed. But having him under you and moaning so loud was a side you would definitely like to see more often from him.

“Fuck, sweetheart, still so tight, just like the first time.”

You were already starting to get tired, but there was no way you were stopping when you felt him twitching inside you.

And his soft whimpers of how good you felt only made you ride him harder.

“And you’re still just as perfect as the first time” you moved his bangs away from his forehead, admiring how beautiful he looked under you.

He looked at you completely mesmerized, his eyes wide and shiny, and his mouth parted slightly as he focused on your beautiful face and the pleasure you were giving to him.

It was only when he placed his thumb on your clit that you felt your orgasm approaching. He rolled your nipple between his fingers, caressing the hardened bud. At the same time, his mouth worked on your other one.

He could already feel you clenching down on him. It was only a matter of time before your orgasm washed over you.

“Heeseung!” You dropped your head on his shoulder as your whole body shook with pleasure.

You didn’t slow down. If anything, you rode him faster, wanting him to cum with you. The sound of skin slapping could be heard all throughout the room, mixed with profanities and loud moans of each other’s names.

“Fuck, y/n, that’s it, I’m gonna cum. I’m g-gonna cum” after the words breathlessly left his lips, you could feel him pumping his seed deep inside of you.

“That’s right, baby, give me all of your cum”

The warmth of him filling you up had you reaching your second orgasm, squeezing his cock uncontrollably, milking him of all his release. Making sure none was wasted.

You rode out his high a little longer before collapsing on his chest,

“You’re going to look so sexy carrying our second baby.” he took a deep breath and rubbed your back soothingly. Once you could feel your legs again, you pried yourself away from his sticky body.

As soon as he lifted you up and pulled out, he watched a mix of yours and his cum leaking from your hole and down his cock, some of it coating his balls and dripping down to stain the sheets.

He bit his lip to control his moans. The sight had him turned on all over again.

Just when you were about to get up and go to the bathroom, he called out to you.

“Wait! Maybe we should go for a round two, just to make sure” he looked at you sheepishly. And the twitching of his cock didn’t go unnoticed by you.

“Fine, just to make sure, but you’re on top this time.”

“Say no more, sweetheart,” later that night. You learned that round two was actually code for all night and morning.

A week had passed, and he was finally finished with his project.

He felt so bad for lying. But it was just a little white lie, he hated the fact it made you sad that he was gone all the time, but it would all be over soon.

He was working with someone to get a custom engagement ring made, so technically, it wasn’t a lie. He was still working, just working in a different building with different people.

Finally, after so long, he was able to get everything set up. He wanted to make everything perfect for you.

He woke you up extra early.

“Honey, wake up. I have a surprise for you.” He caressed your cheek.

You rubbed the sleep from your eyes and glared at him.

“Are you crazy? It’s 7 in the morning.”

“And? You should be up by now anyway, hurry up and get ready while I make crystal something to eat, and don’t you dare give me that look ever again.”

“Fine,” you threw off your covers and went to the bathroom.

Once you were finally done, you saw heeseung and crystal playing with toys in the living room.

“Look! Mommy decided to show, after all, baby,”

“Heeseung, I’m really not in the mood right now.”

He ran up to you and grabbed your hand, pulling you towards the door.

“Well, too bad, get in the mood. I have a lot planned for us today. Can I get a good morning kiss first?”

“No.”

“Fine, then we just won’t go.” He folded his arms acting like a kid.

“Good,” you started to walk back to your room. He quickly blocked your path.

“Y/n, come on, just one kiss” he puckered his lips, waiting for your kiss.

You pecked his cheek,

“Happy now? Let’s just go, please.”

“But it wasn’t on the lips” you couldn’t help but smile at how cute he was being.

You grabbed him by his collar, pressing him against the wall and kissing him, you bit down on his lip a little, and he gasped. You used the opportunity to stick your tongue in his mouth and devour him whole. He struggled to keep up with you from the sudden action as tiny little moans escaped him.

You pulled away, leaving him utterly breathless.

“Can we go now?

He touched his lips with the tips of his fingers.

“Y-yes, we can go” his felt the heat rise to his cheeks. “Oh my god,” he cupped his face with his hands.

“Hee? Are you coming or not?” You smiled at him from the doorway, it was so cute how flustered he got whenever you would kiss him.

“Coming,” he quickly followed after you.

Everything might have gone fine if he didn’t have you blindfolded the whole way there.

“Are we almost there yet?”

“Honey, just be patient, and we’re actually here now.”

“So, I can take this off?”

“Not just yet” he got out of the car and led you and crystal into a tiny wooded area.

He tweaked a few more things, and then he was ready. He patted his pocket just to make sure he had the ring. He placed his hand on his chest, trying to calm his heart, but it was no use. Whenever you were around, it was impossible for his heart rate to be normal.

“Okayyyyy open!” He took both of your blindfolds off and let your eyes adjust.

You let out a sound of utter shock. You couldn’t believe your eyes. You stood in front of a bubble tent with lights decorating the whole exterior, pictures of you, him, and Crystal everywhere, accompanied by rose petals and a little table with some of your favorite snacks.

You didn’t say anything. You just hugged him as tightly as you possibly could. What did you ever do to deserve a man so perfect?

“Please, tell me you like it” he was starting to get a little nervous from your silence.

“I love it!”

“But not more than you love me, right?” He hugged you back.

“Of course not. I love you the most.”

“Crystal, isn’t daddy the best?” You didn’t notice she had already run off and started eating some of the chocolates inside the tent.

You both shared a laugh at her behavior. She was always so easily distracted.

“When did you do all this?”

“You know when I was working late?”

You nodded your head, already knowing where he was going with this.

“I was planning this the whole time. I’m sorry I came home so late. but it was the only free time I had.”

“Don’t be sorry. I should be sorry for ever doubting you.”

“It’s okay. I also have one more surprise” he got down on one knee.

And the tears had already started to fall not just from your eyes but his as well.

“Y/n, I know we did everything completely backwards, but somehow everything just seemed to fall into place, we had ups and downs, but we got through them together as a team. I would have never been able to come this far without you. You and crystal are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Thank you for making me a proud father of our baby girl. You both changed me for the better. You made me happy when I was sad, you were there for me when no one else was, you loved me unconditionally, and I can’t thank you enough for that. I know I’m not perfect, but I promise you that I’ll always try my absolute best cause you deserve it. And I can’t think of any other way I want to spend the rest of my life than with you by my side, so y/n m/n l/n will you marry me?”

“Yes! heeseung, oh my god, yes, yes, yes,” you squealed while he stood up and slipped the ring on your finger.

He lifted you up and spun you around, Placing a kiss on your lips. “I love you so, so much” he sat you down.

“I love you more. You said you’re not perfect, but in my eyes, you’re absolutely flawless. I’m so happy to be yours, and I’m so proud of you for taking up such responsibility. You are a great father, and I know you’re going to be an even better husband.”

“Thank you for saying that it means so much to me” he rested his head on yours, eyes closed, just enjoying the moment.

He stroked the ring on your finger.

“And look, honey, I got three diamonds in the middle, one to represent each of us and both of our initials on the side.”

“You’re so thoughtful. I love it so much baby. How is it possible for me to love you more and more each day?”

“I think the better question is, how did I ever get so lucky to have you in my life each day?”

“When we met at a theater, and I spilled all of my popcorn,” you smiled, remembering the night like it was just yesterday.

“And I told you to clean it up,” he laughed. “I don’t know what was wrong with me back then.”

“What was wrong with you? What about me? There was definitely something not right with the both of us” you laughed along with him.

“Well, maybe wrong, is just our right” he smiled and grabbed your hand leading you inside the tent.

You both joined crystal in the tent and ate the snacks he prepared while talking about all the memories you had together.

“You know, I never told you this, but the first night we met, I actually ran to the parking lot to search for you, but you were already gone.”

Your ears perked up.

“Really? Why?”

“Cause I think deep down inside, I already knew I was madly in love with you.”

“Eww, daddy’s being weird again.”

“Crystal stop it,” you said sternly but broke out into a fit of laughter seconds later.

“Why are you both so mean? All I’ve ever done is love you, and this is the thanks I get?” He pouted.

“Aww, don’t be sad, baby. You know just how much I love you.”

Crystal just shook her head and ignored you both, running outside the tent to play in the grass and enjoy the beautiful weather.

“I think I have an idea. Seeing how you gave yourself up to me so easily all those years ago, you practically begged me for it” he bit his lip, watching your demeanor change instantly.

“Why are you so perverted all the time? Is that all it’s about for you is sex?” You looked at him with a fake disgusted expression.

“Like you didn’t know that when you met me. and you say that as if you’re not the same girl who so eagerly rode me in a theater and begged for me to cum ins-“

“Okay! I think that’s enough going down memory lane. For now”

“Are you sure cause I think there’s a few bits and pieces that I left out”

“Do you mean the part where you came in your pants, and I barely even touched you?”

“Can you blame me? Just look at you. Plus, you’re the one who said it was, and I quote, “the hottest thing ever.” he popped a chocolate into his mouth.

“Whatever”

“Just come over here and cuddle with me. You’re too far away. and I want to feed you.”

“Okay,” you lay next to him and he wrapped his arm around you, you both looked at the sky, pointing out clouds that were shaped like animals and even one that resembled a heart like shape. He stole kisses here and there and never forgot to mention how lucky he was to have you in his life.

If anyone had told you this was how your life would end up after six years, you wouldn’t have believed them. It just sounded too good to be true. But here you were with the love of your life and your precious daughter, making even more unforgettable memories.

Oh, and did I forget to mention another baby was on the way?

The future held so much for you both. But you and heeseung took your time and didn’t rush anything cause you could only live one day at a time, and there was no need to. Time already passed quickly enough when you were with the ones you truly loved.

Nine months later and you were going into labor again but with twins this time. Heeseung was ecstatic about having twins. There was something about you and babies he just couldn’t seem to get enough of,

It felt like deja vu getting up In the middle of the night and waking up heeseung, your now husband of five months.

“Babe?” You shook him awake.

“Yes, honey?”

“I think I’m going into labor. My water just broke”

“Okay, he turned back on his side and closed his eyes. They immediately shot back open when he processed what you had just said. “Your water broke?!” He jumped out of bed, scrambling to find his keys.

“The keys, the keys, where are the damn keys?!”

“Baby, they’re on the nightstand.”

“Thank you, honey” he flashed you the biggest smile and grabbed his overnight bags, he woke up crystal and headed out of the door with her in his arms.

“Daddy, where’s mommy?”

“Mommy is in her roo-“ and it finally dawned on him. You waited a few seconds for him to realize what he did. Sure enough, he was back inside looking at you.

“Sweetheart, I swear, I didn’t forget you this time” he swooped you up in his arms and carried you to the car.

“I believe you” you kissed his cheek as he buckled you in. He went to the driver's side, grabbing your hand and driving you both to the hospital.

“I love you so much, sweetheart.”

“I love you more.”

There was no way you would trade this life for anything. Sure, things were rocky in the beginning, but it all seemed to fall into place, just like heeseung said, and when he promised you the world, you knew he would give it to you cause he never broke his promises.

Who knew you’d find the love of your life, your husband, and the father of all three of your kids from spilling a bucket of popcorn.

The end ~

🏷permanent taglist @hee-in @jayroseyy @axartia @bunhoons @ashxsmoon @lhsggg @scarlet127 @kpopscruggles @badidealy @heeseungleeworld @duolingofanaccount if you want to be added or removed, just leave an ask or comment.

Sorry for any typos/errors Likes and reblogs are much appreciated. I hope you enjoy!🤎

#enhypen heeseung #enhypen #lee heeseung #heeseung #engene #enha heeseung #enhypen hard hours #enhypen smut #heeseung smut

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ineffablymanic · 7 months

Text

Crowley didn't know why he kept coming back to the bookshop. [AO3]

Muriel listened to his advice, no books were being sold. Her oddly polite "Kindly sod off!! Thank you!!" delivered with a hearty smile made Crowley's mouth twitch every time. He started sorting the books Jim had moved around, back the way they used to be, according to the order Az- he had last put them. Crowley replenished the fire extinguisher supply. He scoffed at the yellow duster and just miracled any dust he saw into the close proximity of customers who he could sense being nasty to the staff in the surrounding shops. Enjoy coughing for the rest of the day, jackass.

Crowley avoided the messy writing desk. He avoided plenty of things. Couples. Certain genre movies and music. Bentley, on days when hissing it to shut up shut the fuck up with the certain genre songs didn't work. He had plenty of thoughts he avoided like a professional.

But then he saw Muriel actively defiling the desk.

She had moved the once dispersed yellowing pieces of paper into one pile and gathered old tea cups to be taken to the kitchenette. There was a large leather bound notebook in her hands that she was maybe moving to a shelf.

"Leave. It," Crowley snarled, regretting his too harsh of a tone the moment the words spat out of his lips, but Muriel just seemed surprised. She'd gotten too used to his presence, he thought absently.

"Oh, is the mess intended? Is that another human thing?

"It's his mess. He doesn't- didn't-" Crowley tried not to groan in frustration. "Humans, people, don't like it when their personal stuff is touched."

Muriel's brows furrowed as she considered the revelation. "I guess that makes sense. I've never owned anything, angel's aren't supposed to crave possessions you see, but I do suppose if I did... I'd be upset too."

She let out a little nervous chuckle. "I'd rather like to give a permission first! I don't know what that would be like, I've never been asked." Her eyes widened and suddenly she looked like the book had burned her, and she quickly put it back down on the desk.

Crowley's irritation melted away. He couldn't stay mad at Muriel over anything. He'd forgotten how cruel Heaven was. Well, he hadn't, but spending such a long time with one angel had skewed his memory- Nope. He forced his mind to look for something else to think, anything else than that ecstatic smile when he’d obtained a rare book, or the pure, unfiltered delight when he ate or drank something delicious, or-

Crowley shook his head vigorously and started sauntering towards the door. He needed fresh air. Or a bottle of Aerstone, he wasn't sure which.

"It's okay, glad we cleared that up. Leave the desk be, uh, yeah. Bye."

In all earnestness he considered finally going on a trip of some kind. Somewhere warm and dry, Australia maybe. Maybe he'd just keep driving and see where he ends up. Few years of Wanderlust might do him some good.

He was back at the bookshop in three days.

Irked out of his mind, Crowley acknowledged Muriel's cordial greeting with a grunt and started meandering around the bookshelves, glaring at anything that could possibly be out of place. If he focused hard enough, he could make the old plant essence in the books shiver under his scrutiny.

With a sigh, he sprawled on the sofa like a deflating balloon. Muriel left him be, in some round about way she'd learned when he wasn't in a talking mood. Apparently she'd been taking 'Demon Crowley Behavior' notes and refused to show them to him. He didn't want to compel her, in fact he was appreciative of the silence. Trying to ground himself, Crowley took in a deep breath, taking in the slightly stale scent of ancient books, leather and glue and regretted the act immediately. Another thought to avoid.

He didn't feel like leaving, no matter how often the thoughts get up, get out, why am I here kept repeating in his head. Maybe reading could distract him for a while. He lurched upright and slunk around, browsing the ever so slightly trembling book spines.

A Change in the environment caught his attention and he glanced at the writing desk. Right, Muriel had touched it so it didn't look the same as before. Crowley hadn't seen the book she'd dropped on the table before, it must've been buried under other notebooks. There were multiple pages jutting out, and he saw some colorful markings on them. His curiosity won and he picked up the book, unwrapping the leather string and started to browse it.

His eyes widened until they almost bulged out.

Crowley slapped the book shut, snatched it and staggered towards the stairs. When Muriel inquired where he was going, Crowley tried to answer something akin to "just visiting the bathroom", but what came out was mostly unintelligible garble. This apparently didn't bother Muriel.

"... Is there a bathroom? Do demons need to use the toilet? Or is your corporation different from mine? Mine didn't come with an active digestion tract, at least to my knowledge, I haven't consumed anything yet and..."

Muriel's prattling died out when Crowley crashed into Jim's (Gabriel's? Who cares) old room and slammed the door shut. The door had enough sense to lock itself. He sucked in a preparatory breath.

Crowley plopped the book on the bed, waved it to flourish open and spread his hands and fingers, moving them in an 'arise' gesture. All the loose sheets of paper spread around him in the air in a half sphere. Crowley forgot breathing existed. His heart worked overtime, seemingly pumping all the blood to his cheeks and neck.

Tens, no, more like hundreds of adept drawings. Of Crowley, and Crowley only. Various ages of paper, he could sense the trace of power that kept the older ones pristine. Ink, pencil, charcoal, watercolor. Vibrant red and yellow colors used to depict his hair and snake eyes in great detail. Worrisome amount of drawings of him sleeping in various locations. Drawings from multiple eras, of countless of his different looks and styles. Drawings of his wings. None had his glasses. He was drawn smiling in most of them (Crowley didn't know did he really have that bright of a smile or was it just drawn like that).

Aziraphale doesn't- didn't draw, Crowley thought, numbly. He kept grabbing one paper after another, staring at the details. Some of them had text next to the drawings, proving him wrong. It was Aziraphale's small, tidy handwriting.

I miss his curls.

I miss seeing his eyes glint in the sun. Like flawless, yellow garnets.

Why did men's stockings have to go out of fashion?

He looked stunning in a hanfu. Oh, who am I kidding, he’d look stunning in a jute sack.

Attractive messy bun. Perfection.

He looks so peaceful while sleeping. Some day I wish to see him as calm and content while awake.

Crowley grinned madly. Why was he shaking? A hysterical laughter was trying to tear its way out of his throat. Oh, this was rich. What a weirdo. When that bastard came back, Crowley would needle him about these till the end of time. Absolutely ridiculous. Incredible. Straight up beyond belief…

To his horror, his grin twisted into a grimace and his silent laughter warped into sobs. Before he knew it, he had dropped down on his knees, tears rolling down his cheeks. He managed to pay enough attention to not get any on the drawings.

Well, fuck. Fuck. The overpressurized bottle holding his thoughts and emotions burst open.

I miss you, you bastard angel.

#in which crowley finds aziraphale's drawing notebook #we know aziraphale is a talented drawer. it's basically canon he has a notebook like this #1300w #post s2 angst #good omens fan fiction #ineffable spouses #good omens #manic writes things #Ineffable husbands #Aziracrow

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fatuismooches · 11 months

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I had a brainrot about how the Harbingers kept in touch with their s/o when they're away on a mission or just have not seen each other in so long because they were very busy. I thought of FF15 wherein Noct and Luna would have this journal that gets delivered to them back and forth. And now I thought of how the s/o would write from one side of the journal and the Harbingers would reply on the other. When the pages meet at the center, both say "I love you" and that journal gets archived in an enchanted time capsule before they make a new one until it just becomes a series of archived journals. If this was about fragile!reader or poly!reader, this would be even cuter.

This would also be so much more meaningful to Scara when the journals remained untouched after the Irminsul incident and the last page he filled in is, "This is not goodbye as long as you choose to not forget about us." And his s/o replied, "I will always wait for you." And although his s/o was confused about who this mysterious lover is, she oddly believed in the journals so when he returned for her in Snezhnaya...she smiled and did not hesitate to take his hand to start a new life together.

☆Starlight Anon

CRYING SOBBING. I just looked up the "Lovers' Notebook" on the FF wiki and I'm in tears, that'd be so cute for the Harbingers and their lover.

For fragile reader I can imagine them writing to the clones on missions in other nations, they get bored really easily there but now they can look forward to you writing them sweet messages in the notebook! They always fight over the journal (unbeknownst to you) and eventually after many rock-paper-scissors (a game you taught them to use to sort out their problems peacefully) they work out an order of who gets to write to you first... they each sign their message off with the name you gifted to them <3

Hehe, for poly reader, the Harbingers would definitely subtly compete with each other over how many notebooks are filled out (hah, [name] definitely likes me more than you, we have more pages filled out) (foolish, quality over quantity. [name] and i have much more fulfilling conversations than your useless prattle.) I imagine each of them has a different design on the notebook to make it even more personalized <3 They definitely read through the old ones while they're during paperwork ;(

For Scara it would be so bittersweet ;( You would be so confused about why you have this stack of journals, one page has your writing, which is oddly lovey-dovey, but you can't remember having a lover... plus, even stranger, the next page is left completely blank. No matter how much you think about it, you can't come to a conclusion other than skipping a page is just weird! You try to forget about it, but some nagging feeling inside you beckons you to read all of the journals you have for some clues, and that's when you realize the lone sentence on the opposite page of your writing - you have absolutely no idea who it is, but your body moves before you can think and you're writing out a response, one that fully welcomes this mysterious presence.

#smooches talks #☆starlight anon #fragile reader <3 #harbingers love notes <3 #scaramouche love notes <3 #post irminsul scara angst/fluff gives me life 😭🙏#i always wanted to get into ff but its too much rn 😭 cloud seph and noct r so 😍 tho #im always in love with handwritten letters/notes in romance #it feels so personal and thoughtful🥺

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berryunho · 1 year

Text

on seonghwa

this is just 800 words of me rambling about seonghwa (and a little hongjoong) in the answer so feel free to ignore or read for a glimpse into his noggin but there are... minor ??? spoilers lol i don't really think they're spoilers which is why im fine sharing them but ANYWAYS yeah beware ig ...

and shoutout bffie @mintsang this is for you don't yell at me when you read it <333333

ANYWAYS:

listen. seonghwa is so devoted to hongjoong because he feels responsible for him. when they first met seonghwa thought hongjoong was just some poor kid being beat by his parents and he decided that he would make sure that hongjoong didn’t die or go to jail or flunk out of school as long as they were friends. and at first of course hongjoong was quite… tame… w his personality shall we say so seonghwa really had no idea what the fuck he was getting into w him. and anyways by the time he put two and two together and realized that, ‘oh, maybe hongjoong is the problem!’ it was waaaayyyyy too late. like… he feels almost responsible for everything getting out of hand bc he definitely could’ve stopped him at some point but didn’t because he couldn’t bear hongjoong telling him to go or not wanting him at his side anymore so he just kept his mouth shut even as things got worse and worse.

like seonghwa was a very normal and rational person before hongjoong got his talons into him. and this still haunts him. seonghwa really does mourn the loss of his innocence but… at the same time… he wouldn’t go back to change anything if he could. because he loves hongjoong. even knowing that hongjoong has only ever used him for his own gain and even knowing that hongjoong is like a textbook abuser he can’t make himself regret anything that he’s ever done for him. because he will always remember what it felt like to be that 14 year old boy watching his friend be rejected by everyone else and the feeling that he was the only one that could care enough to stay w him. and seonghwa knows its stupid but he’s scared that one day everything will fall apart for hongjoong and if he’s not there for it hongjoong simply won’t survive.

so even though he knows hongjoong only wants him for selfish reasons he’s okay w that so long as hongjoong wants him somehow. and this is where our dear mc comes in. on one hand seonghwa is obviously jealous that hongjoong suddenly has someone else to give his freaky ass microscopic focus to. and on the other he’s pissed that she won’t just give hongjoong want he wants (even if what hongjoong wants is the opposite of what he wants). and on the other he’s scared FOR her bc no matter how strong she seems he’s sure that she’ll break to him eventually and seonghwa really doesn’t want to see what happened to himself happen again in another person. and on the other (4 hands is the normal amount idk what you’re talking about) he’s confusingly into her and he can’t understand why or how but he suspects its the fact that she’s also being subjected to the same. essentially torture. that is hongjoong’s desire/manipulation/whatever and he feels oddly connected to her…

so i wouldn’t say seonghwa hates mc nor does he really care about her he just is very conflicted about her and doesn’t know whether to be cold for his own sake or if he should be trying to get closer w her because this is really his first opportunity to have someone that understands hongjoong with him.

and anyways yeah even if seonghwa wanted to leave (he doesn’t) he wouldn’t because he feels responsible for hongjoong’s wellbeing (even though he knows this is foolish). and yeah maybe this is a bombshell or whatever but seonghwa couldn’t care less about the cult shit he’s just happy that hongjoong is happy and safe and not out in the real world wreaking havoc where he could get his ass caught a million times faster. so seonghwa deals with it to keep the situation somewhat under control for hongjoong’s sake. and while he’s not a fan of the crimes and the murder he also doesn’t particularly care either because he would do anything to keep hongjoong safe and he already thinks of himself as a lost cause anyhow.

and this might be bold but here’s a little something on hongjoong too. hongjoong… is attached to seonghwa shall we say. like he never meant to be and he hates that he cares even a little bit so he keeps that shit on LOCK. as we’ve discussed he doesn’t love seonghwa bc he straight up cannot but if seonghwa decided to pack his shit and leave hongjoong WOULD be affected and he’d try to stop him duh but would he actually be able to kill him. probably not. so ANYWAYS hongjoong is a freak about mc for so many reasons but part of it is that he’s horrified (more so pissed) by the fact that he suddenly cares about someone and is desperate to prove to himself that he can control someone at a personal level without getting attached to them. which. we’ll see. LOL

SO YEAH THAT’S SEONGHWA! i could probably write an entire ass prequel about hongjoong and seonghwa and damn maybe i will but lol a lot of this will be clarified/expanded on in interims in the future but i litcherally cannot stop thinking about this rn so TAKE IT !!

#EEP #the answer #berryunho.txt #feel free to ask questions or discuss LASKJDFSLKJDF #enjoy ..........

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thecyrulik · 9 months

Text

Simon negotiates terms and conditions. Egon is inconvenienced.

Special shoutout to @whump-card for making me revisit this beloved story of mine. I am aware I am its main audience but it has a special place in my heart.

And to @oliversrarebooks bc their story made me think quite a lot about hypnosis and vampire glamour.

prev | masterlist

The Bargaining

Months had passed before he was finally able to do anything to regain some control over his life. In the meantime, he suffered from temporary weakness and headaches, sometimes stronger, sometimes barely there. He missed some days at work. Had some serious talks with his manager. Begged her to let him stay, promised to pull himself together even though he knew he had no way of keeping that promise. He had to deal with the worried looks of his coworkers, not only Maddie, but the rest of them too. They meant well, but they just couldn’t help him.

He considered going to sleep right after dinner, but he felt quite restless, as if something was about to happen. He kept himself busy, trying to catch up with some work, but eventually ending up reading a book about mental illnesses that Maddie gave to him. In some harsh, though well-meaning words she suggested that he should at least try to figure out what was wrong with him on his own, to make dealing with it easier. It didn’t exactly work but it was an interesting read anyway.

The window opened silently, but Simon felt the change in the air nonetheless. He raised his head immediately, a small part of him already knowing what he would see at the windowsill. The dark-haired man stood there, staring at him with an intensity that made Simon’s skin crawl, and he was perfectly still – so Simon decided to act on his own.

He stood up from the desk, keeping his eyes on the intruder and putting a bookmark between the pages before closing the book. Maybe I won’t get to finish it? Why bother with a bookmark?, he thought before he could stop himself. The vampire stood still as Simon straightened up and very carefully avoided looking at the closed door. Don’t be stupid, he told himself. If he could crawl up the walls and mess with his mind, there was zero chance of escaping whatever was to come.

Despite all that, Simon couldn’t help himself and took a short, nervous step backwards. He realized what he did; he stopped right away. The vampire hadn’t moved at all. Simon was flooded with all the memories he had been robbed of before; all kinds of feedings, the sudden ones, the fierce and quick ones, the oddly gentle ones. It had been going for quite some time, he realized. He was still alive, which was nice, if surprising, but he had a feeling he wouldn’t be for long if this went on like this. Not because the vampire would kill him personally, it was just that Simon felt he just couldn’t go on like this anymore. He had to do something.

The monster finally made a move, seemingly pleased with Simon not running away. As if they didn’t both know he didn’t have a chance. He stood there watching, waiting, as the vampire slowly walked up to him and grabbed his chin with thumb and index finger. Simon suppressed a shiver, realizing that the gesture was familiar, that it had happened before. He wanted to scream, to beg, to run away, almost overwhelmed with memories and the fear they brought up. He couldn’t utter a word. The vampire watched him curiously before tilting his head slightly to the side and burying his fangs in Simon’s flesh.

Simon gasped. The pain was sharp and short. All the muscles in his body tensed as agony went through him, then left. He was flooded with that odd sensation that felt like being wrapped in cotton, or something else soft, warm but strange. The blood flew away from him and the vampire’s body was getting warmer bit by bit. Simon raised his slightly shaky hands to the vampire’s chest. He wasn’t really trying to push him away but he wanted to be able to do it anyway. The blood drinker ignored that, slowly draining him while still keeping a hold on his jaw, gentle but firm.

A long moment had passed before Simon realized that even though the vampire still held him by the chin, he had already pulled his fangs out of his neck. He also noticed with some surprise he was now shivering terribly, uncontrollably, almost painfully. He let out a choked gasp, dizzy with terror, confusion and desperation. The vampire pulled his chin up after a little while, making him look into his eyes. The rest of the puzzle pieces fell into place in Simon’s mind.

“No!” he blurted out, trying and failing to step back. He kept his eyes closed. The hand on his jaw tightened a little. He swallowed and took a deep breath, then opened his eyes, carefully avoiding the vampire’s piercing gaze. That was his chance and it might have been the only one he’d ever get.

“Please, please don’t do that! I swear I won’t tell anyone about you, or-or try to hurt you, but I just… I can’t go on like this,” he paused, risking a quick glance at the vampire’s unchanging face. Okay. He wasn’t furious yet. Time to keep going.

“Please don’t do this to my head anymore. Every time you do it, I can barely function for a couple of days afterwards, and I can’t lose my job, but I will if you keep doing this, so p-please, just don’t do that… I promise I won’t do anything to harm you, I just can’t go on, I can’t, can’t, please-” he almost sobbed, his fear and exhaustion getting the better of him.

“Very well,” said the vampire after a short while, his voice almost too neutral and devoid of emotion. “We’ll do something different. Look at me, human.”

Simon tried very hard to oppose that command, but in the end, he still looked up, staring straight into the blood drinker’s cold eyes. A sense of failure and hopelessness flooded him as those terrible eyes bore straight into his very soul and he felt tendrils of power wrapping themselves tightly around his conscious mind. At least I tried something, he thought as he was drifting away, barely able to stand with the vampire’s help.

***

The human surprised him that night. First of all, he shouldn’t have been able to remember the previous feedings, even in the vampire’s presence when the parts of the previous glamours could be accidentally lifted. Even more so he shouldn’t be able to oppose him like that. A thoughtless flinch, yes, a blind attempt to run away, or to fight him back - it all happened from time to time, but this? This was thought through, meaning the boy had some level of understanding of what was happening to him, even between their meetings. This could be dangerous, to let such a human roam free. Egon should either kill him or at the very least wipe him clean and never come back. But… as much as he didn’t like to admit it, he grew accustomed to those feedings, the way the human tasted and acted, his quiet acceptance. It was pleasant, in a way, not to worry about fighting, hunting or paying for sustenance.

After a short while, he decided. Yes, he’d keep the boy alive. It might be a risk, but a small one, especially since the young human didn’t seem like he could be a threat to anyone, let alone a vampire. He would have to take precautions and, apparently, take what the human asked him into consideration; that is if he wanted him to last long-term. It was all manageable, if slightly cumbersome. He could do it without any issue really, his job often forced him to inconvenience himself more for less.

The boy shivered under his touch and stared at him with terror mixed with exhaustion. Well, no need to scare the human any further, he thought and got to work, driving his will into the mortal’s mind.

taglist: @hold-him-down @afrosarah @whumpy-writings @spookyceph @neverthelass and @dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night just this once so they try it out

#vampire whump #vampires #my writing

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sound-under-the-sea · 2 years

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Hi, I'm really enjoying reading you headcanons. Can we hear more about these badass Lilith headcanons?

Also I agree she deserves to more than just punch that guy. 💙

Thank you. I wasn’t expecting an ask.

Well for starters, I think the Emperor’s Coven routinely practices hand to hand combat and weapon combat as seen with the Scouts holding weapons in Agony of a Witch when they were attacking the house. I also assume it’s because they no longer have their palismans and are required to use magic without them. So, I believe they would branch out into other forms of combat.

While Lilith may have kept her Palisman, she doesn’t mind getting involved in spars with the Coven Scouts or Scout Captains. Her preferred weapons of choice are a sword and a staff. I refuse to believe she just uses that for show, as I think she spent hours perfecting her sword technique. She likes the elegance and grace of sword fighting, but isn’t above use her slender frame and speed to maim or in some cases, kill a person.

She uses a staff in training with the Scouts and Captains as that is the primary training tool within the Coven. It reminds her of using the broom back when she was a teenager, but quickly squishes it as she sweeps a Scout off their feet. She uses the staff with just as much precision as she does with the sword or her usual staff. It’s almost second nature. Sometimes there’s a faint blue glow as she taps a bit of her magic to blip around.

Another weapon that she prefers are throwing knives, as she uses them to pin down or incapacitate opponents. She isn’t as well versed as Steve is, but she is decent and precise enough to use them. I like to think she applied those skills to when she uses ice glyphs at Jean-Luc. Same principle.

I feel like after joining the Emperor’s Coven, she had some doubts of her own ability, and especially after what happened to Eda. When she found that combat practice involved weapons and hand to hand combat, she began to focus on that as well as she liked to have a versed enough skill set. Captain and Sergeants found her still practicing on her free time.

Another headcanon that I have is that Coven Scouts and Scout Captains have a focus point when it comes to combat. Lilith and Hunter are no different, as they feel alive when it comes to combat as they do when it comes to reading up on books. There’s something oddly peaceful about it. Though the superiors are definitely concerned for Hunter as she shouldn’t be developing the focus point at this age. Especially when it comes to more intense missions. It’s as though you don’t hear or see anything outside of your target, and your body reflexively moves with the actions.

I do believe Lilith has the capability to kill a target if asked, as she has been willing to give King a sacrifice. I don’t think she would kill in front of the kids because of what she nearly did to Luz in order to achieve her goal, and so she doesn’t want to traumatize her again. Also Eda would kill her if she did.

I have this AU idea of if she suggested to just kill the Coven Heads.

Darius:

Raine:

Eda:

Lilith: What? I know you both hate half of them.

Raine: No—

Eda: Lily, no!

Darius: Wait she may be onto something…

Raine: Darius!

Steve: If Lilith’s down, I’m down.

Eber, growling: Murder.

Eda: NO MURDER!

That’s a different conversation for a different day. Well two AUs for a different day, as I have one for Elsewhere and Elsewhen.

Thank you for the ask. I hope have a nice day/evening. 💙

#lilith clawthorne #toh steve #scout captains #coven scouts #edalyn clawthorne #eda clawthorne #raine whispers #darius deamonne #eberwolf the huntsman #toh #the owl house #elder hexside gang #the emperor’s coven #bengi thinks out loud #bengi’s headcanons #bengi answers #let lilith be badass challenge

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tadpolesonalgae · 3 months

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AHHHH u don't know how happy i am that ppl are talking abt Please... bc i remember stumbling upon that fic and seeing that it's been a while since the third part and kinda dejectedly accepting that would be the last of the fic we get 💔

u mentioned that the relationship between azriel and reader will likely not be something romantic or sexual. what kind of vibe would their relationship be in that case? because i think in that fic, ur descriptions of how they perceive each other and themselves were a bit more sensible(?) than the actual books (sorry sjm lmao) in that they both seem to acknowledge that a 500+ year gap is..... y'know.. a pretty big difference and that there's an insane gulf of just, experience in life/war/knowledge/etc due to that age gap despite how powerful reader can be with her truthtelling? powers.

for some reason i can't see them being friends? it feels more like,, a mentor-mentee type of relationship.

idk if az has actually been portrayed like that or if my brain has just convinced myself so with wishful thinking 🤭 but i think he has a somewhat? protective??? nature about reader???????? like he knows that she grew up in hewn city and under keir's "parenting" no less so he's aware what she's been taught and molded to be made into. but he also seems to know she shouldn't be in that type of environment? idk again maybe i've just been imagining things lol.

like, reader seems oddly naive and almost pure despite the cruelties she probably witnessed and been subjected to (if the implied language throughout the fic meant anything). in part 1 she allowed azriel, a 500+ y/o fae who literally pointed a knife to her face 2 seconds ago, to touch her with more or less no way to protect herself had azriel decided to do something she didn't want him to. and there's just slivers of moments throughout the fic that kinda makes u want to hug her bc girlie seems so lost abt herself and the world 😭😭 it's just very clear that she doesn't really have anyone to rely on so she latched on to the first person that showed Any ounce of human decency, and az isn't even overtly kind to her 😭 bro threatened to kill her so he could get the veritas thing and yet EVEN THEN he's still one of the nicer ppl she's met in her life (considering she trusted him enough to make the deal to have him touch her + asked him to comeback himself when returning it + doesn't hesitate when revealing potentially sensitive info + the way she subconsciously brought herself infront of his tent in part 3)

ALSO have reader and mor interacted with each other at all throughout her life???? i'm assuming they're sisters through keir (probably half sisters? idk if this has been addressed in the fic it's been a while since i've read it). i ask bc i can't imagine mor or even rhys would've just let her grow up in hewn city alone knowing how it was like for mor. so i've been assuming that keir probably hid reader or kept her sheltered to some degree before she reached a certain age or started to become useful to him with her powers, and at that point it was kinda too late for the ic to intervene or smth. now i'm wondering if reader harbours any resentment or emotion towards mor and/or rhysand, or if it's more of a disinterest like "that's someone that's apparently related to me but i don't rlly know them so 🤷‍♀️". i think there was a moment in part 1 that indicates that reader is scared of rhy's powers and him potentially wiping her memory during the i'll-give-you-the-veritas-if-you-touch-me deal thing so maybe there isn't any familiarity between them beyond that he's high lord of the night court 🤔

anyways sorry if i just started assuming a bunch of things that weren't there in the fic but something about Please... just makes me feral and want to go into hyper analyzing mode bc the plot, her being keir's daughter, the dynamic w her and az, all of it is so interesting to me

‘i remember stumbling upon that fic and seeing that it's been a while since the third part and kinda dejectedly accepting that would be the last of the fic we get 💔’

Oh my gosh no, please always feel free to drop by and ask about future parts to fics—I often get preoccupied with cbmthy so forget I have other things that people might be here for 🫠

I’ve actually started on Part 4 for please… and have gotten some future scenes planned out if you still want more after the next chapter!🧡💛

‘because i think in that fic, ur descriptions of how they perceive each other and themselves were a bit more sensible(?) than the actual books (sorry sjm lmao) in that they both seem to acknowledge that a 500+ year gap is..... y'know..’

That’s so sweet to say 😭 thank you 🫂

Honestly with please… reader is supposed to be in a pretty bad situation but not overly concerned about it? Sure it would be nice to leave, but she doesn’t imagine that’s possible so is content to set her mind to use by guarding Kier’s trove of treasures. Then with the strict court rules (particularly for her, being kier’s offspring and also female) she point blank doesn’t have an interest in finding someone else since that’s not what she’s been raised on? So when Az comes along, sure he’s beautiful, but he’s the High Lord’s Spymaster first and foremost, probably quite a few levels above her in terms of hierarchy, but on fairly similar footing hence the wariness but not blatant disinterest on her part.

‘sensible(?)’

I’m so sorry to go on a tangent here, but I’ve never seen anyone else do the ‘(?)’ thing (I might just have an awful memory though, sorry if I do 🫢) It’s such a useful little marker, I used to use it all the time in high-school essays when I was unsure about quotes 🤦

Anyway, tangent over! Sorry!

‘for some reason i can't see them being friends? it feels more like,, a mentor-mentee type of relationship.’

I think reader craves a companion of sorts and Az is currently the closest she has to that ideal. Though I agree I can’t see them forming a friendship in the traditional sense? Maybe they might grow to that in a century or two, but like you said with the vast difference in experience I imagine it would take a while for them to reach a similar level of understanding :)

‘idk if az has actually been portrayed like that or if my brain has just convinced myself so with wishful thinking 🤭 but i think he has a somewhat? protective??? nature about reader????????’

Stop because I read through the last three parts last night to help with writing part 4 and I can’t pull their dynamic to mind at the moment 🤦

I think in part 3 though there is that scene where he looks after her a little because he sees some shards of himself in her from the angle of being made to inflict torture on someone? But after having hurt a person together, I think reader might become a little shaky around him specifically, so we’ll see what happens in part 4 🫣🧡💛

‘like, reader seems oddly naive and almost pure despite the cruelties she probably witnessed and been subjected to (if the implied language throughout the fic meant anything).’

So we haven’t really gotten to see much of that (mainly because I hadn’t intended this to be so plot-heavy but shh) but I suppose it’s more indifference to the things that happen around her rather than ignorance/her being unaware of them. I’d say it’s why she’s more blasé when Az first finds her in part one, because she knows he can’t just kill her despite having the ability to, if that makes sense?

‘she allowed azriel, a 500+ y/o fae who literally pointed a knife to her face 2 seconds ago, to touch her with more or less no way to protect herself had azriel decided to do something she didn't want him to.’

This is probably something I’ll be touching more on in part 4 and that was kind of alluded to in part 3, but with her powers of truth she’s able to get a general sense of a person. Obviously she’s still pretty young compared to other fae and has grown up in the Hewn city, so the types of people she’s encountered have been mostly the same which makes things a little difficult. However, she didn’t get the impression Azriel particularly wanted to kill her, or that he was particularly untrustworthy which is why she was so ready to make a deal with him. (That and also girlie just needed to feel something, desperately)

‘it's just very clear that she doesn't really have anyone to rely on so she latched on to the first person that showed Any ounce of human decency, and az isn't even overtly kind to her 😭’

Compared to how he can be with his family, no he wasn’t kind to her, but he wasn’t cruel to her—which, having grown up in the Hewn City, is as good as wrapping her up in a warm blanket and setting a tray full of delicious food on her lap. Although I think he’s gotten a little more gentle with her in part 3? Maybe? 😶

‘so i've been assuming that keir probably hid reader or kept her sheltered to some degree before she reached a certain age or started to become useful to him with her powers, and at that point it was kinda too late for the ic to intervene or smth.’

Unfortunately again, I hadn’t really considered this angle 😶‍🌫️

I’d have to agree with you that Kier would have kept her hidden otherwise I feel like Mor would have been right there from day one to make sure her younger sister wouldn’t have to endure what she did.

With whether or not reader harnesses any resentment toward the IC, I’d say it’s a bit of a mix? She’d scared of Rhys, as literally anyone in the Hewn City should be, considering what sort of person he becomes, but beyond fear and maybe a twinge of admiration for Mor I don’t think she has particularly strong feelings toward them :/

‘anyways sorry if i just started assuming a bunch of things that weren't there in the fic but something about Please... just makes me feral and want to go into hyper analyzing mode bc the plot, her being keir's daughter, the dynamic w her and az, all of it is so interesting to me’

It’s no problem at all!!

It might take me a while to respond to slightly longer asks is all, but if you’re fine with that then I love getting to read through these!! I’m pretty sure you’re the first person to talk about please… specifically in such depth (which is so flattering, thank you so much) so I’m really happy to have a reason to return to it and I hope part 4 will have a similar essence of what you enjoyed in the first three parts! 🧡💛

#anons <3 #please…#🧡💛

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ka-go-me · 9 months

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Everything and Nothing

A short MirSan drabble by me, written a long time ago. I wrote it in 2004, and I just felt like sharing it here. The non-existent lag time after the battle with the village of the oni-women leaves Miroku time to think on his true feelings towards Sango. What will he choose?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All I could remember was the rain pattering on the roof on that one night after we had come across the village of Oni women just after we had defeated the youkai within the scroll, saving Wakana's life and giving Shinosuke-dono his bride back. After Sango had been controlled and nearly killed me. Kagome-sama had done up my wounds as carefully as she could, though all the while eyeing me.

I knew why.

When she was finished I had thanked her and excused myself to go to the temple to find something to calm myself, let myself think and figure some things out in peace. Sango being controlled and learning of why she'd let herself be controlled was very distressing to me. It made me feel something rather awkward, and I needed to get away.

The rain would help.

Not too surprisingly I found shelves of old books and scrolls in the temple, and with my mind in such a riot-I was eager for distraction so I pilfered through them. In my searching through the stacks of old reading material I came across a scroll entitled: "Ai." With a small frown I took that scroll down from the pile of others and sat myself upon the floor to read it. Maybe with this I could figure out what I was feeling. Quietly I skimmed the material until I came across this oddly worded passage. I read it silently to myself.

"Love is the power that will bind us and break us. It is everything and yet it is nothing at the same time. It rules and enslaves but it lets go and sets one free. It is something one must feel to know true happiness, and at the same time know ultimate sadness."

I sat back and reflected on all those words as I looked at the scroll in my hand. I pondered the meaning of love to me. Sighing and shook my head sadly. Unfortunately, in my predicament I had to constantly act with promiscuity…I never really knew when it might be over for me; so I was terrified of falling in love.

The problem with that was, I thought I already had anyway.

The one lady in my life that I had not asked to "bear my child," the moment I met her was the one woman I could never see as truly-a woman. She was a comrade at arms, a travel companion, and a firm feminine backside for when those urges arose. She was the tajiya who had had her family and friends destroyed by the same person who had cursed my family, a strong soul who kept fighting no matter what the cost. Someone who loved her friends and would do anything for them.

I smiled ruefully, lifting a hand and placing it upon my cheek where Kagome-sama's band-aid was red with seeping blood left by her concealed wrist blade from the battle with her earlier. She was resting with Kagome-sama and Inuyasha now, having not awakened just yet.

My Sango.

Did I love her? I wasn't sure. If I did I couldn't do anything about it till I was sure that the void in my hand was gone. I didn't want to say that I did, then leave her alone to fend in the world without me by her side…That was if she felt the same in return. I felt broken and torn when I was alone and thought about it, but, then, when we are together and I'm not thinking about it-it feels-right somehow. We're almost always attached at the hip-during every escapade our group has. We were inseparable, and I felt as if I could overcome mountains with her by my side.

So, did I love her?…I sighed again, and placed the scroll on my lap. I had to admit it to myself. Yes I loved her.

She was everything but it would be nothing if I died upon telling her.

But then, this was exactly as the text had said wasn't it? "Love is the power that will bind us and break us. It is everything and yet nothing at the same time."

But as I thought about it more, gazing at the scroll in front of me, Kagome-sama's words came flooding back to my memory. "Because you were so obviously unfaithful Miroku-sama, she got angry and went off by herself." My promiscuity had nearly gotten Sango killed, all because I wasn't sure how he felt towards her. But-if I didn't tell her, and didn't survive this, she'd be safer in the long run. Someone had to take over the battle of Naraku for me-and I would rather it be born of a woman I didn't love so I wouldn't have to worry about leaving her behind when the kazaana finally sucked me up.

I frowned deeply and picked the scroll up crushing it in my hand. I did love her, I knew that now. But I had tell her how it really was, there was no escaping it. I didn't want her hurt in any possible way ever again by me.

It was now that I noticed the rain had stopped outside and that the morning light was spilling through the cracks in the old walls. My face softened a bit and I stood up, walking to the shoji and pushing it aside with a clack. I gazed out into the morning and watched everything all around glisten with the sparkle of light bouncing off the dew-drops. My face fell a little bit and I lifted the crushed scroll into my view, a weary and sad smile crossing over my lips.

"It is something one must feel to know true happiness, and at the same time know ultimate sadness."

The passage was all too right. With a resolute look on my face I stepped out into the dripping morning, finding Kagome-sama and Inuyasha waiting for me, with an awake Sango on his arm. I smiled and sauntered up to them. "Sango, I'd like to speak with you before we head off." I said, and offered my arm.

She blinked at me and seemed to have a look of-regret-? Was that it? in her eyes. She nodded and Inuyasha loosed her and I took her on my arm, moving off to sit by the river as Shinosuke-dono and Wakana came up to thank us for our help. Sango and I bowed briefly and left Inuyasha and Kagome-sama to properly accept their thanks.

We sat side by side in silence for a time, just staring at nothing, wondering where to begin, and if it would end. Surprisingly she broke the silence first. "I'm sorry Houshi-sama. If it weren't for me-"

Already I could tell this wasn't going in the right direction, so I interrupted her. "Don't worry about that Sango. Besides, this time it was my fault. If it weren't for my bad habit with women, this wouldn't have happened. I should be saying I'm sorry."

"You-you, there's no need for you to apologize…" she countered, turning her face and blushing. "I was the one who was being careless…It had nothing to do with you and your-"

I shook my head and cut her off again. "Sango, I've been thinking about this, and I've decided that this is how I truly feel. I want you to listen to it all…" She turned her face to me attentively then, and so I told her it all. Every detail about how I felt towards her…And she seemed happy about it, but, as things go with me and her…it eventually ended up in a glare and a near slap.

Ahh, the pains of love…

Owari

#inuyasha #Miroku #Sango #MirSan #inuyasha fanfiction #fanfiction #outoftomorrow

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kristencsummerlin · 2 years

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I always thought that a Soul Eater AU would be potentially fun with Hellsing characters...that being said, I'll never get around to writing that idea. 😅 BUT! Since you're a fan of both, I'm curious what your interpretation would be.

(I’m guessing you meant Hellsing but with living weapons sort of deal. If not, feel free to correct, I’ll than follow up with an answer the right question. My brain isn’t perfect.

After writing a shit ton of “on the spot OCs” to be character’s weapons and how the fuck they work. Then realizing how long the post was becoming. So Maybe a Part Two down the way. We’ll see.)

Alucard: Alucard LOVES demon weapons and finds them interesting as FUCK! He’s read everything he could on them. They are just the shit for him. His favorite method if he ran into one during a mission is to use the weapon to kill their own meister. That way he can learn about the weapon works while taking out his target. Though he’s reasonable enough to know that the weapon to a dickhead is also a dickhead. So that weapon will suffer in ways no one thought an living item could.

Alucard’s soul wavelength is complex but oddly able to match with any weapon. Most believe it has to do with the whole shapeshifting thing, but others aka Seras, believe it might be Alucard’s understanding of others. His worked with three Demon Weapons in his life. Tommy Boy, Pouty Casull, and Jackie.

Each one he has a different relationship and bound with. They’ve been a saving grace when it comes to loneliness but also in his personal growth as a human once again. (At least in mental and moral)

Integra: When she was a little girl she was excited as fuck about living weapons. Mostly because she grew up hearing about Excalibur and such. Though now she’s less interested. Too many things on her plate. So mostly looks into them when it comes to her agents and whether or not they want to work for her. She does worry about them in combat though. Because magical weapons are more capable in hurting vampires. Like her two favorite agents.

Integra’s soul isn’t that easy to match with. Then again she’s never really tried to match her soul wavelength to one. So it’s hard to say. From the few she’s met. She’s gotten along with. Pouty Casull is like a mother figure to her throughout the 10 years. And Walter was family to her. Even though he betrayed them.

Seras: Terrified. She’s terrified. Grew up her whole life never hearing about them. She struggles during twilight while laying in her coffin. Trying to comprehend how the FUCKIDY FUCK can someone transform into a weapon. Like shapeshifting into animals, or other people, or monsters makes sense to her. But transforming into a weapon is hard to understand.

Seras surprisingly as difficult as paddling through shit’s creek without a fucking paddle. Besides her being so confused of the weapon’s existence that she can’t properly sleep. Seras has a very tall and tough wall to crack through. Unless she truly feels comfortable with the weapon. She’s gonna be a pain in the ass to match with. Which annoys Alucard because he thinks she would do some good with a talking gun.

Walter: If you read the Integra part you already know. In this AU Walter is a demon weapon. The fact that he and his wires are always together. Always one. As if he can pull them out of no where is the main reason why. He’s classified as A Deadly Demon Weapon. So one of the more dangerous types in the lists. A part of Walter’s cockiness for the longest time was the fact that no one figured him out. Well Alucard did. Thanks to that third eye. But Alucard kept it under wraps for the young butler. Though he was always annoyed because Walter insisted on being his own meister. Never once letting Alucard try him out.

Hell his nickname “The Angel of Death” is because he managed to make himself into a Death Scythe. This knowledge was collected through the Magic Books in the Hellsing Sorcery Room.

Pip: My beautiful Pip. This boy had one Demon Weapon as a member of the Wild Geese. They weren’t his partner. But he knew one dammit. Which is enough in his books to know what he’s talking about when it comes to living weapons. Okay. He thinks they’re the kewlist fucking thing the Gods accidently created. His young pre-teenage boy fantasies seem more and more possible knowing they exist.

He’s ashamed that Seras can’t see the joy he and Alucard sees. He doesn’t know if he’s compatible enough to use a demon weapon. He fucking hopes he is! But can’t confirm.

When he became Seras’ familiar. He celebrated. Because in a way, he became her personal demon weapon. Sure he can’t turn into an actual weapon like he’s love. But he’s close.

#answered ask #soul eater au #living weapons au #hellsing #hellsing au #hellsing ask #Hellsing Alucard #Alucard #integra van hellsing #Seras Victoria #walter c dornez #pip bernadotte

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spookberry · 2 years

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On occasion, I wind up having these like weird "cinematic" dreams. They're not connected or anything, but there's this feeling to them. Like I'm watching a movie in 5D. And oddly enough they usually have pretty well rounded plots?? Though they always end on a cliffhanger😒

and i had one recently that I just cant get off my mind

it was about two middle school aged kids meeting at a book shop. so like what i picked up on straight off the bat was one was like a stoic straight laced type of girl and the other was a troublemaking bean of a boy. And they were at this small little bookstore ran by this old couple. the was buying the next installment of some gore filled action series and she was buying a very frilly and fluffy looking shoujo manga. And I think it was meant to be important that these were both shoved into a corner at the back because the store sold more classical literature than anything else.

Anyways, being rude little kids they immediately bickered started bickering over who had the better taste in book. And they kept this up while they waited for the cashier(the owner) to finish shelving something in order to ring them up. But then they wound up actually talking about the books they liked. And even after they had paid they sort of... walked out of the shop together. They spent the rest of the afternoon walking to the park and talking to one another. It didn't take long for their bickering to turn into a real enjoyable back and forth that eventually became kind of romantic. And It was as the sun was starting to set, they sat together on the top of the play structure at a local park that he asked for her name and she told him(it was Saki cuz I'd just read a japanese horror story before bed where the main ghost was named Saki. no one else in the dream was named.) and they didn't ask when they'd see each other again. Didn't try to share information. They took a picture together at one point, but otherwise they were just too busy enjoying each other's company to really think about what would happen afterwards.

The next day, unable to get his mind off her, the boy went back to the shop. She wasn't there, obvi. But unsure how else to find her, and knowing how much she loves books, he figures, well surely she'll be back at the shop again someday. So day after day he'd go back and wait around. And he waited for years without ever seeing her. Eventually he became pretty close with the couple who ran the shop, they became something of bonus parental figures for him. When the wife died, kid started working at the shop officially, spending even more time there to help out the old man. Before I knew it he'd become quite a kind and charming man. He was a young adult I think, nearing the end of high school.

His friends were visiting the shop one day, pestering about how he spends all his time there even when he isn't working. And they're trying to convince him to go goof of with them, but he can't obviously, a new costumer just walked through the door. The dream sort of sparkled around this person, as if every detail about them was important. From this guys messy obviously dyed blonde hair, to the piercings in his ears. And he was Familiar, but not really to me. To my bookshop boy. Anyway, he couldn't figure out why the guy was familiar and just went about his shift as this guy looked around the shop. Eventually he wandered out of sight to the back of the shop and thats when one of bookshop boy's friends turn to him and goes "hey didn't that look like Saki a bit?"

#the implication obvi was that Saki is trans #idk what spurred on Any of this dream tbh #but it was so Distinct #i kinda wanna draw what i remember of the two #they felt so real #tho the two guys also kinda reminded me of some old ocs I made when i was 13/14 lol

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narrators-journal · 7 months

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im gonna just send u these in a little bulk and you can do em whenever u want, anyway, ryomina teratophilia n dacryphilia <3

Is this good? I don’t know at this point. But was it fun to write? Yes! I wrote it as a personal gift to myself for my birthday, so I went full guilty pleasure, self-indulgent, personal favorite thoughts sort of angle. I just wanted my favorite personal Ryoji form included lol. Also! Shout out to SleepyCoffeeOwl on Ao3! Who was nice enough to read over a bit of this beast for me! They helped me fix up a few things about this lil story, so I’m very grateful to them.

Also! While I will be rather busy around halloween, If you make/made a request I promise I’ll get to it! I’ll write into November if I need lol. So feel free to ask away until the 31st!

Kinktober prompt list: Here

Kinktober masterlist: Here

CW: Predator/prey, teratophilia, at least a little dacryphilia, overstimulation, dubcon yet again, size difference, cum inflation, canonicity is very loose. My own monster design,

With a sigh, Minato Arisato trailed behind Junpei and Yukari as they patrolled the silent streets of the dark hour. Watching the smaller, less hostile shadows skitter away from them, or stare at the trio as they went, admiring the rotund moon hanging in the sky, and breathing in the stale, cold air.

It was boring.

Not his work as a SEES member, that was always interesting on some level, even when he was doing little else but strolling around in the oddly colored night. No, what was boring was not having his mp3 player to occupy his mind on their patrols.

Not from lack of trying, though. The blue-haired emo had tried all that he could think of to bargain, barter, threaten, and even proposition Mitsuru to put a plume of dusk into his mp3 player so that it functioned like her bike.

It went over about as well as you’d expect. So, while Yukari and Junpei were going back and forth with their semi-flirting bickering ahead of him, Minato simply found another way to entertain himself. watching the small hand creatures skitter about like some fucked up version of rats, or the whispy clouds that hung in the vibrant sky, or played I-spy with himself.

At least, until his mindless daydreaming made him run into a suddenly tense Yukari. “What’s going on?” he asked, noticing that Junpei had his broad sword at the ready, so he went ahead and pulled out his katana. Scanning the silent streets ahead of them for any sign of threat until Junpei finally whispered, “I think someone, or something, is ahead of us.” nodding towards an alley further down the sidewalk, where a soft shuffling could be heard in the stagnant air. “Minato, why don’t you go check it out? You’re the one with all of the personas. You’d have a better chance if it’s hostile.” Yukari suggested, getting a scowl from the shaggy-haired wildcard before he pushed past them. Whispering to her as he went, “Just admit you’re scared.” and not hanging around to let her hiss out some indignant venom.

Instead, he crept forward with his weapon drawn and his senses keen for any sudden sounds. Though, in an odd twist, there wasn’t any sound. Outside of the shuffing and pained whimpering of whatever was in the alley, the street had gone as still and silent as a grave. That’s a new one. He thought, but mostly brushed it off and kept his focus on the potential enemy. Though, when he got close enough to the alleyway to press himself to the brick wall of the store, the first thing he noticed wasn’t blood, the sound of ripping flesh, or aything like that, but the strong scent of graveyard dirt and decay.

That wasn’t normal. While the dark hour had a cold, stale taste to the air, sometimes with the tinge of iron or still water, it never smelled so clearly of decay.

Yet, when Minato peeked around the brick wall of the coffin-filled store, he didn’t find any shadows ripping someone apart, or even Strega dealing with a fresh corpse. Only a brunette man in a vibrant yellow scarf curled into the fetal position on the dingey alley floor. “Ryoji?” He asked, his defenses dropping along with his sword, Junpei and Yukari giving squawks of, “Ryoji?!” To mimic his own, but he waved them off. Keeping them at a distance as he stepped closer to the late-semester transfer student. Trying with a gentler edge to his flat voice, “Hey, are you okay, Ryoji? Are you hurt? Scared?” Which, got him no reply. So, he took another step closer and knelt down to put a hand on the brunette’s shoulder.

And that was when he reacted. Ryoji’s voice, usually sing-song and light as a feather, burst out in a guttural snarl that felt as if it physically knocked Minato back. “Get away from me, Minato!” Yet, at the same time that his words were deep and forceful, the sharp edge of pleading rang in the wildcard’s head like a bell. “Huh?! The fuck do you mean? If you’re hurt, I need to help! Otherwise, you’ll get your ass eaten! And not in the way you like.” He snapped back, returning to his feet while Ryoji tried to drag himself away from the man. Which, was the most unnerving part of the encounter. Seeing a man who usually greeted Minato like a hyper dog seemingly power through hellish pain to escape him. Fucking ouch. “Mochizuki, get your ass back here right now-” “NO!”

That time, his voice knocked the breath from Minato like a punch to the gut. Some small part of his long-numbed brain getting frazzled. Awakening a dose of dread that the blue-haired man hadn’t felt for eleven long years. “What...the fuck?…” He breathed out, a hand on his chest to steady his frantic heart rate as his storm-colored eyes watched the brunette curl into a ball against the back wall like a beaten dog. Shaking like a leaf in a tornado, with...blood? on his hands. “Ryoji. Are you okay?” He asked, stepping closer again, his annoyance and confusion put aside for concern. “Please...leave me alone. Run…” Ryoji said, his voice quieter, that time. Less hostile, yet still powerful enough to make the blue-haired wildcard shiver in a mix of excitement and fear. But, he ignored his pleas and pushed through the odd sensation.

He took another step closer, reaching for the brunette again. But, before he could grab Ryoji to try and pull him out of the passage, the cowering man screamed. Startling the persona user again, but not nearly as much as the bloody, slimey appendage that ripped itself from Ryoji’s back with a sick, wet ripping sound. “Minato?! What the hell is going on?!” Yukari asked, closer than she had been. “Stay back!” He snapped back, not letting his stormy eyes leave what turned out to be a fucking wing. Ryoji was growing wings, but not only one or two, but four. The transfer student who’d been so desperate to befriend him wasn’t human. “R-Ryoji?” He tried again, his voice almost a whisper. Inwardly wincing at the edge of anxiety in his words. “What...what’s going on?” He asked, stepping back as he spoke. Watching as the boy cried and contorted in pain. His body bulging and shifting beneath his skin and clothes, his face twisting into a sick grin as his teeth fell out and his eyes darkened. It was almost too horrifying to watch, yet kept Minato’s eyes glued to his classmate. Rooted to the spot by the pained, inhuman shrieks to watch what was human only a moment ago, slowly turn into something more beastial. Something that made Yukari shriek behind Minato.

And just like that. The spell was broken.

Turning on his heel, Minato bolted like a rabbit from a wolf. Blind of where he was going, just knowing that he couldn’t stay, and that he couldn’t stay with Junpei or Yukari. Though, he was vaguely aware that the duo seemed to follow his lead, each haring off from the scene of the crime the moment they saw Minato fleeing the alcove between buildings. Though, the wildcard’s adrenaline wasn’t racing out of fear exactly, In the frantic rush to get away, enough clarity was there to identify that much.

No, the midnight-haired emo wasn’t running out of some fear of dying to whatever creature Ryoji was becoming, but simply because it was what felt right. After all, while not knowing what the hell his classmate was, he was damned sure of one thing. He was predatory.

So, the wildcard ran for all his training with Akihiko was worth. Down dark alleys, empty streets. Dodging immobile cars and caskets housing the normal citizens of Tatsumi port, he let that odd, amoral rush of excitement and dread push him further. His feet pounding into the asphalt, his blood rushing in his ears, and his mind racing with alternating thoughts of Gotta get away, and Oh god I hope he’s chasing me. Like the two most primal parts of himself were battling within him. Yet, only one got its wish. “Mina! Come back!” Ryoji’s voice called from the silent street behind him. The sing-song sugar back in his words, but the impact of his words wasn’t entirely softened. Whatever was calling to him may have been Ryoji Mochizuki, but he wasn’t the Ryoji he knew.

Which...was thrilling.

The rush of dread was overtaken by the buzz of giddiness at that point. Making Minato’s breaths puff out in gasps as he hooked around a corner and ran down another thin passage to a new street. Fueled by the rush he got each time the monster’s voice called out, “Mina! Funeral lily! Come here! I won’t hurt you!” “Please! I just want to see you! Mina!” With what Minato thought might be an exilerating edge of desperation. God what the hell am I doing?! That thing’s not human! I shouldn’t be aroused at it chasing me! He scolded himself, trying to get his barrings on whatever perverse side of himself was muddying his thoughts, but that didn’t stop that voice from arguing, Okay, but he’s capable of intellegent speech, and whatever it is WAS Ryoji ten minutes ago. It wouldn’t be a sin-

The thought was shoved away. Minato was no stranger to odd hook-ups, but a classmate who turned into a shadow? That was enough to make his stomach itch with shame.

Yet, in his thoughtless weaving between streets and coffins, Minato realized that he had managed to lose track of where he was. Even when he tried to spot identifiable landmarks as he ran, nothing looked even vaguely familiar. The full, yellow-green moon doing nothing to clear up the thick shadows, and the air that stung Minato’s lungs still tasted of decaying leaves and graveyard dirt. It shouldn’t have, though. After all, he was running down a dark street lined with houses, not graveyards or dead trees. If the dark hour hadn’t been in effect, the place would’ve been nothing more than your average, well-off culdesac.

Yet, the dark hour was in effect. So, instead of a peaceful neighborhood with an HOA, the green-tinted street was full of dark nooks and the peering eyes of whatever courageous monsters dared peer out of their hidey holes.

Yet, that was all the shadows did. That’s all that they had done ever since Ryoji had turned into...whatever he became. Even with Minato disoriented from confusion and weakening from exhuastion, no shadows dared try to attack.

So, with legs like jello, and the coordination of a baby deer, the blue-haired man almost involuntarily slowed to a stop at the end of the block. Peering around at the houses and yards that blocked his escape. Steadying his breathing as best he could to try and focus on the eerie silence of the eerie neighborhood to try and pick out any suspicious squeak or tap on the asphalt or houses.

Nothing.

Even the usual ambiance of shadows going about their usual existence, or the stirring of air under, assumedly, Ryoji’s new wings had been mute for...however long. That’s not good, is it? Minato asked himself, looking behind himself as he thought. What does it mean when a monster scares the other shadows? Even the arcana shadows had smaller shadows in their areas. He thought, his wide, stormy eyes studying every non-descript lump of darkness before turning his head back around. Only to feel the tickle of heaving, night-scented feathers on the tip of his nose.

Sitting before him, pale mask smiling down at Minato from an impressive height, was that human-bird abomination that was Ryoji.

How the fuck did he get here?! Was the shaggy-haired man’s first panicked thought, only for another to rear-end that blip of as soon as he’d had it. How close has he been this entire time?Did I ever even lose him? Was he only messing with me by letting me run? Are Mitsuru and the others okay? Are they alive?! And many more piling up like a car wreck until all the man could do was tilt his head back numbly to look up at the beast that was once a lovesick classmate.

With that same wind-brushed hairstyle Ryoji wore with two twinges jutting up like antennae. A mask-like face of snow white with bottomless pits for eyes and an eerie, toothless smile. Not to mention skin that--Minato took a step back without realizing it. It was grotesque. That skin so black, as black as obsidian stretched over a large, human upper body that was no longer an average, soft weight, but emaciated. It was like the goofy man had morphed into some feverish nightmare. A feverish nightmare that now sat in front of him in the flesh. With his four large, dark feathered wings shimmering with unearthly color in the green light at any small movement, and two...were they legs, since he had human arms? Hind legs? Of a bird. Each four-toed foot adorned with claws sharp enough to slice chromium like hot butter.

If it wasn’t for the voice whispering in the wildcard’s head about the looming beast being a predator, he would’ve seemed kind of cute with how he sat. Watching the wildcard with his legs out in front of him when the man all but fell on his ass to crawl away from him. ”R-Ryoji?...” Minato tried, the tentative word little more than a lustful-fear-choked croak in the stillness of the green night. Yet, it seemed to be all the invitation the shadow needed. Reaching for the blue-haired persona user with boney, clawed fingers to pluck him off of the asphalt while he tried to scramble back to his feet.

Not that running anymore would have done any good. After all, it had only taken Minato looking away for a brief moment for the beast to be mere centimeters in front of his face. It didn't take a rocket scientist to calculate the chances of his escape.

But, that didn’t stop the blue-haired man from writhing and fighting to get out of the monster’s hand. Even resorting to trying to bite him, though to no avail. All he managed to do was exhaust himself. All the while, Ryoji stared down with his bottomless eyes like his attacks were nothing. As if Minato was only laying limp in his palm. Only stilling him with a series of cooes, trills and trapping Minato under his thumb so he could use a claw to gently cut through the mortals clothes.

He was cutting Minato’s clothes off. “H-hey! Don’t do- Stop that!” The wildcard squawked, his cheeks burning with a melancholy mix of skin-tingling excitement and cold disgust. Swatting at whatever he could reach to stop the shadow from stripping him like some lewd doll. But, for all his fighting, the blue-haired emo only got was a happy, sing-song trill from the beast. Allowed to kick and snap to his heart's content since, with his midsection trapped, it was all in utter vain. Yet, he still tried. Minato fought for all he was worth to worm his way to freedom, or at all dissuade the bird-thing.

Yet, all that got him was a sweat by the time the beast finally slipped the now-ruined school pants from his body. No progress in his fight for freedom, just tired, with a nagging sense of blood-thrumming fear. All Minato could do was slam his fist down on Ryoji’s hand and plead, with rain threatening to fill his cloudy eyes. “Please...Ryoji, please don’t.” Only to get a gentle shushing, like a soft breeze through the trees on a quiet night, and an affectionate chirp in response. Before the masked monster lowered his head, and a long, wet tongue slithered out from the mouth of his eerie mask. “Hold on, what- what are you- Ah!”

Leaving a slick trail of warm saliva in its wake, the tip of the shadow’s long tongue languidly slid from his asshole, up and over his groin. Coming to a stop below his ribcage where a ripple of shame continued to Minato’s burning face at how the slow drag of the wet muscle over his pale skin made his stomach flutter. Oh god, am I...am I ACTUALLY into this? Minato thought, trying again to wriggle out of the shadow’s hold. What is that supposed to mean? How is this even registering as hot in the first place?! But, those questions got shunted into the depths of his mind for later when Ryoji’s monstrous form circled its tongue around Minato’s member. Letting out a whine from whatever mouth that perpetual smile hid. as if disappointed that the 5’6 persona user didn’t have the proportions to…what? Fuck him with? Ryoji, I swear to god if I survive this encounter, we will be having such a talk.

Yet, that moment wasn’t the right one for questions. The priority in that moment was to try and bite back the pleasure flowing into his stiffening member. Yet, the slick warmth, flexing muscles, and calculated movements worked together to pick off each one of the wildcard’s mental defenses regardless.

And, there was no way Ryoji was clueless about what he was doing. Even though Minato saw nothing but a void of endless darkness when he looked into those eyes, he could tell from the beast’s use of that cursed, blue-black tongue that the squeezing and stroking was 100% intentional. Curated specifically to deftly increase the hellfire under his skin until his rational thoughts were overrun with that familiar headrush of need.

The monster’s tongue worked him until Minato’s attempts to get free of the thumb pinning him had devolved into thoughtless pants and humping into the moist heat. The more aggressive those lewd impulses became, the foggier Minato’s thoughts became. And in turn, the less he could focus on fighting, or even his own shame.

At least, that was the logic Minato could piece together to rationalize his predicament. That was all he could do, after all. Lay in the beast’s hand, pinned beneath his thumb. Fighting for some coherent thought while his hips twitched and moved with Ryoji's tongue in a disgraceful dance. Until, despite his attempts to stall, the bubbling rush of excitement crept in. “Ryoji! W-wait, I’m gonna cum!” Minato yelled, sure to wince at how whiney and desperate he sounded later. But, in that moment of forbidden bliss, when the friction and technique won against his denials and rationale, all he could do was claw into the creature as his stomach clenched and shuddered with pulsing pleasure.

In the aftermath, Minato hadn’t even the energy to contemplate what had happened. All he could do was let his head loll back and gulp in desperate breaths of nearly-stale night air. Meanwhile, his captor lapped up whatever stray squirt managed to escape him. And Minato let him. Letting the warm weight of the shadow’s tongue press into his body while he tried to will the stability back into his gelatinized legs.

Yet, in that moment of leisure, what Minato didn’t expect, was the cool asphalt to be what touched his stomach next. But, sure enough, when his storm-grey eyes snapped open he no longer looked into the tornado-green sky, but down an abandoned road. Still ladden with thick shadows and no sign of life outside of the rumbling and shifting weight of the human-bird abomination above him. Those noises soon giving way to a more gut-twisting soundtrack that was all too familiar to the man.

The sound of bones crunching and cracking. Of muscle tissue tearing apart like a fork tender roast.

He didn’t dare look back to see the explanation. Minato didn’t even think of his lack of clothing as his feet scrambled against the unyielding blacktop. The only thing on his mind for those precious few seconds was Run! Oh god, get out of the car!

Before, the frantic train of thought crashed on its tracks. Minato kept from his freedom by a firm, yet measured weight pinned his belly back to the road. And, while the shadow’s hand was smaller, big enough to hold onto the back of Minato’s neck to keep him in place on the rough terrain, but not engulf his entire body, he could still feel how much of the beast’s strength Ryoji held back. ”Stay. Put.” Came the order. Whispered in a melodious voice that was equal parts smooth and soothing, and gutteral. Like a verbal shot of cinnamon. Spicy, yet still capable of luring out a small whimper from the wildcard. The power in those two words reverberated through Minato. Snatching away the courage to fight, and replacing it with a taboo bolt of enticing fear. Which, was a feat. Considering the emo was rarely intimidated by the horrific creatures in the dark hour, yet, with Ryoji’s clawed hand around his throat and his masked face close enough for his warm breaths to stir the edge of the persona user’s shaggy fringe, his pride couldn't help but take a back seat to the mingling and mixing of fear, disgust, and desire.

Yet, he didn’t get much time beyond that to beat himself up for cowing down to a monster, or how his dick twitched. Because once the beast was sure he wasn’t going to try and bolt again, his hands were back to exploring Minato’s body. Feeling along every scar and curve as his face nuzzled into the man’s neck to lap at his skin and drink in the scent of his lavender body wash. Meanwhile, Minato could hear his talons clicking on the paved road while the monster adjusted his size and stance. Keeping himself large enough to pin his prey, but judging from what parts of his body the wildcard could feel lifting his hips or puffing against his neck, small enough so that he wouldn’t kill him. Once satisfied, though, his face finally dislodged from the persona user's neck. Instead trailing mimed kisses down his spine. So, taking the opportunity to sate curiosity, Minato took stock of what he could through the storm of uneasy pleasure and disgust.

The first thing, was the utter lack of any noise. Even with it feeling as if the Dark Hour should end, the plump moon hung overhead in the sky, so the streets still lacked the usual night life. Secondly, and more worrying, was that despite Ryoji's reveal as a monster, the brush of a barbed something against his ass still made Minato's cock twitch again.

Ryoji lifted him off of the pavement. Abruptly dragging him out of his contemplation and back to his position as the plaything of a semi-human bird creature. Who, when the wildcard looked, had sat back on his hind legs to calculate how to go about the next step. Yet, whatever thoughts might be going through Ryoji’s monstrous head was secondary to the...member Minato saw between the creature’s legs.

After all, with a softer pink skin tone to contrast the ebony color painted onto Ryoji’s skeletal frame and soft barbs going down its length, it was hard to miss. Tapered at one end, drooling a thick precum, the appendage didn’t quite look like a human dick. But watching it twitch while he was placed over him, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to guess its use. “H-hey, wait! Ryoji, that’s too- Fuck!”

Regardless of his words, the monster pushed him down onto the odd cock. Stretching and filling the blue-haired mortal to the point of sparks of pain. Thankfully only pushing a little over the ‘tip’ in, but against Ryoji's cool, skeletal chest, the squirt of heat that filled Minato’s stomach was overwhelming. Bringing more tears to his dark eyes as he clawed into Ryoji’s hand, Jesus, how big is he at this point?, while the monster ground into Minato’s ass until the blue-haired man breathed out a quiet moan.

That was all it took. One small sign of possible consent, and the shadow was fluttering his wings and pushing him further down his length until Minato gasped and yelped, “R-Ryoji!” Throwing his head back and clawing into the monster that held his midsection. Yet, any concern he was going to voice escaped him. Because, as he stared up into the bottomless eyes of that pale mask, and the thickening cock slipped deeper inside of him, pleasure overtook him. The barbs added a delicious bit of extra drag over every sensitive inch of Minato’s body they managed to reach, and It was breathtaking. the lascivious mix of pain and pleasure, leaving no more room for fears of the consequences.

Instead, the only fear Minato could find as he was drug up and down Ryoji's cock only heightened the thrill. All he could focus on was how helpless, full, hot, and good he felt. Shaking with pain from how he was being stretched, but at the same time, Ryoji’s cock never seemed to miss a weak spot. The barbs brushing along his clenching walls, flooding his blood with a fresh bout of fiery thunder with each drag. All the while, the curve of the dick allowed the tip to grind perfectly against Minato’s prostate when the bird monster moved right. The disgust at being a shadow's toy would come later. For now, Minato lost himself in the stomach-tightening bliss.

All the while, Ryoji smiled down at him, puffing out breaths and growling with his own pleasure. Keeping a careful hold on Minato as to not squeeze his guts out, and letting the smaller male claw into his fingers against the pain. Not seeming to care for a second. even when the emo managed to break skin a little bit, all he seemed worried about was the lewd moans and whimpers Minato gave, and the wet schlick schlick schlick of his cock working its way into the mortal until no more could be squeezed into him.

He only paused his pursuit of every possible sound Minato could make once. Right when the wildcard felt as if he was about to unravel a second time that night. “What the fuck?!” was the thoughtless snap that delay got. Minato's chest heaving, his hair a mess from sweat, and his grey eyes flashing with impatience when he snarled up at his captor. Yet, all the shadow did to his annoyance was snort. Wiping away the tears that had started trailing down Minato’s cheeks in the heat of the moment. Lifting his hand back to the grinning mouth of his pale mask, the monster lapped up the salty tears and cooed down at the mortal. As if to thank him for something. Admittedly, through the haze of nearing orgasm and taboo mixing of pain and dread, it was hard to tell.

Then, without missing a beat, he was back to thrusting into Minato. Trilling when the mortal gave a startled mix of a moan and a yelp. Though, this time, the monsoon of hot pleasure and satisfying fullness didn’t stop. Even when more tears escaped Minato’s usual impeccable control, Ryoji would only trill as he ground into him. Dragging him along the barbs of his inhuman cock with increasingly unsteady hands. But, to Minato's gratitude, the soft bristles kept the human-bird abomination from speeding up.

Yet, even when his inky wings flared out and flapped in some mindless search for leverage, he kept going. The unyielding onslaught of euphoria breaking down the emo’s shame. Going and going without a sign of break. Flooding him with euphoria until an electrical current soaked into Minato’s muscles. Arching his back in the monster’s hand as a yowl ripped from him. Partially out of pain, but also born from the crescendo of bliss that rushed to his head at last.

Yet, the wildcard didn’t get to enjoy his orgasm for long. That rush of dopamine immediately gobbled up by a harsh sting of pain that increased the further past his limit Ryoji pushed him. “Ry...oji…” He muttered. Squeezing his eyes shut in an attempt to block out the way being so full soured from a pleasing burn, to a colder pain. Yet, the winged shadow was too far away to hear him. Continuing to drag him along his ridged cock like a toy. Enjoying the whines, tears, and hisses just as much as Minato's moans and pants.

Again, all Minato could do was whine and plead to the discolored night. His words lost on his captor, and his strength ebbing in the acidic waves of masochistic pleasure. Clinging to those sparks of dark need to keep him from passing out or letting the aches and stings of Ryoji's member stretching him overwhelm him.

Regardless, though, the wildcard hung on. Focusing on whatever he could to keep his shaking body from going too limp or his vision from going too dark. Until, at long last, Ryoji’s wings flared out a final time and gave a shudder as he pumped what felt like molten lava into Minato’s body. Overwhelming his senses once more with sensations. Ryoji, meanwhile, throbbed inside of him. Panting against Minato's back and letting out small noises into the discolored night as his four wings quivered and shimmered.

He was beautiful, in that odd, sad sort of way you might find a body in a casket to be beautiful. The shimmering of his feathers subsided, his pale mask contrasting against his dark skin. It was as if he demanded all Minato’s focus, even as he did little more than coo and chirp down at the wildcard in sleepy affection. Though, perhaps that focus was Minato’s encroaching loss of consciousness.

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ardendrifter · 9 months

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My first thought is, I don't know how to Tumblr.

My second thought is, I don't know how to social media.

My third thought is, I don't know how to be a human being.

And it's this last, unfortunately, that seems to stick with me.

So I take a bath and call my mom, because my relationship with my family's been doing better recently and I'm trying to talk to all of them regularly. Dad's a steadying force in my life so I try to get a few minutes with him every day; but Mom's always been better at fielding my existential dilemmas.

I ask her what she'd read, if I sat down to jot my thoughts down for a half hour every morning. Turned into a chatterbox at six months old and never really stopped, except for a brief period of moderate head trauma that made it oddly difficult to remember nouns and verbs--still kept most of my adjectives, for some reason, and prepositions were practically untouched. Swears safely tucked away in the reptilian depths responsible for grunts, growls, shouts of ecstasy or pain.

So I ask my Mom, You've heard me yammer on for years. Which of my thoughts are the interesting ones?

And she said [...].

Well, that's the part that's hard to talk about. Do I remember what she said or not?

Start with the good advice, which I do remember. She sent me a meditation on insight timer and said, Try this for five minutes every morning while you're coffee's brewing. When you're feeling clearer, sit down with your coffee, set your timer for a half hour, and write whatever comes out. Don't worry about your audience. You'll find out something about who you are, and who's interested in knowing the real you.

Fuuuuuuuuck.

No idea what kind of conversations she's been having with my brother; but I just spent a week in his company, looking after you. I can't help thinking that maybe they didn't talk to each other at all, just spent time with me and noticed where the cracks were forming. They're both reasonably perspicacious, when it comes down to it.

And here's the part that's hard to talk about, the part I'm not sure happened.

She said--I *think* she said--that she and Dad rewatched "Girl, Interrupted" last week and there were ways the main character reminded her of me.

(I've never been diagnosed with a personality disorder. That's the truth. I've had no real reason for a Complex PTSD diagnosis, either. PTSD, yes. Depression, yes. A handful of anxiety disorders that change with the doctor prescribing the medication. A therapist tried to get me coded for DD-NOS, on account of the depersonalization and derealization issues, and I'm grateful to him still. But let's say I have PTSD. Let's say that no matter how much work I put into myself, that's the diagnosis that keeps coming back like a bad rash.)

I digress.

Here's what I think my mom said:

I think she said, You went through some things as a teenager here, and it's hard for you to always know who you are and what you want.

She said some other things, like that the one thing everyone in the family agreed on was that they wanted to support me in continuing to write fiction. She said she was happy I got to spend that week with my brother, because he was good for me and loves me fiercely, although he gets a little exasperated sometimes when he can't figure out how to help me. She said she wanted me to take the time to work out what I really wanted to do for work, whether it was nonprofit work or LGBT advocacy or coffee roasting or something else. She said if I only wanted to do it part time, so that I could keep writing, then that was not just alright, but something the whole family would support me with. She said I had a lot of life experiences, and that I'd experienced them deeply, and that I could do just about anything.

I don't remember what all she said. I try to get it down in order and it tangles together with chit-chat about Grandma, and Dad off at band rehearsal, and the sewing class she's trying to take in her off-hours, and our respective forms of neurodivergence.

I try to write it down, though, because she's your grandmother and she adores you, and you should know what kind of woman she is.

I hope to document this year, River, because it is the year I transition. Thirty minutes every day, and maybe someday you'll read these words; or anyway, someone will.

I just put together my to-do list for starting that journey. I'm elated. I'm terrified. I'm thinking the list is probably lacking in granularity.

There are things I started to tell Mom about today. She broached the topic of my 10th grade experience for the first time in...years, probably.

My brother asked me about it recently; it might have been the night of our cousin's funeral. Was it the next night? My sense of time remains uncertain. But we were sitting up late together, your parents and I, on the porch of the cabin by Lake Champlain where our cousins held the memorial service. I don't know if we'd had a frank conversation about my gender experience before--certainly not sober. But I told him I wanted to go on T, and that led other places, like the impact of the conversion therapy written into my IEP, that last year of public education.

I had to explain what derealization was: I had no idea I'd never told him about all that. I have a vague memory of texting with him--perhaps once, perhaps twice--that year or two I was in therapy specifically for personality consolidation. I couldn't remember much about being fifteen, so I asked him what he remembered. He told me about what his life was like, and witnessing a few of my meltdowns at home. There were only two or three, I think. It wasn't a terribly dramatic breakdown that I had. Nothing was real, and then I was sleeping all the time, and then it got hard to get me out of bed in the mornings. But academically, I shone. My writing won awards.

There was just...no one in there at the time. I had a parent who pushed me and two parents who supported me as well as they knew how. I went to college two years early on a full scholarshop.

Only...I never entered another contest. Twenty-five years passed before I submitted another piece of writing for publication.

I even stopped playing soccer. Competition made everything feel distant and strange, as though it were farther away than it looked.

What happened to get me into therapy--the story I told your father, my brother--was this:

I got a new GP. Same office, different doctor. A woman, this time. She took a fresh case history and bumped into the cardiac event I survived twenty-odd years before. And I told her, Conversion therapy was written into my IEP when I was fifteen.

She said, How long were your sessions?

And I said, No no, it was all day at school, and at the bus stop, and during extracurriculars. They calmed down a bit once I got a steady boyfriend. But it was still this constant surveillance--how I spoke, how I sat, how I raised my hand, what I read, what I talked about, how I walked, how I participated in class. It's one thing to fail at girlhood--every fifteen-year-old of that generation probably felt like they were failing at their assigned gender. It was the primary marketing tactic the Viacom-Industrial Complex used to sell us things.

But this was different.

I was failing at something nobody would explain, and all the adults around me were afraid, and nobody would explain what was happening or what I was doing wrong. I didn't know gay people existed. I didn't know a thing about transgender identities, except in little flashes here or there--the prophets Daniel and Nehemiah, who in all likelihood have no influence on your life, were castrati, and figures like Loki and Old Man Coyote switched back and forth from male to female. There was an older kid in school whose name I didn't know, whose gender I couldn't code by looking at them; but I took that to be a failing of my own, and I was too embarrassed to ever tell anyone. There was a sweet gentle kid I knew from my sixth grade class who never quite walked like a boy; and later, in seventh grade, he stopped coming to school. Some of the kids said he'd told someone he was a girl trapped in a boy's body, but almost everyone thought it was because he had a couple different learning disabilities, and acted more like a super-innocent third-grader, and spent most of his time playing games of make-believe by himself. And some of the kids said he shoplifted from a gas station so that he could go to juvie, because no matter how bad it was there it wasn't home and it wasn't our school.

I never knew the truth of any of those stories. I never connected them to my own experience of genderfluidity. Mom and Dad let me be what I was at home, and dress up however I liked for Halloween, and play any make-believe character I wanted. That's how it was. When I was in second grade, my class had more girls than boys, and when we split up by gender there were some girls--myself included--who would be honorary boys for the day. And other girls would ask me in the morning, Are you a girl or a boy today? And I'd feel into it and answer--but more often, I'd already be dressed as the gender I felt. So I learned something important about myself that year: I was a girl who was sometimes a boy. My best friend was a girl who was always a girl, and my brother was a boy who was always a boy, and my next-door neighbor was a girl who liked to pretend to be a boy, but woke up a girl every morning and remained a girl throughout the day, whether she played Peter Pan or Captain Hook or Smee.

So until I was about nine, I used to tell other kids I could switch back and forth between being a girl and a boy, just like Loki, and sometimes I could choose which one I'd be but sometimes I'd just shift for a while, so they should ask which one I was. And that tapered off around fourth and fifth grade, but even in a conservative farming community none of the other kids acted like it was weird.

I was a girl who was sometimes a boy.

Simple, right?

In retrospect, given the culture wars of the 90's, it seems almost a miracle that I made it to fourteen before any of it came to a head.

And here's the truth: left to my own devices, I may have ended up vaguely butch, and bi, and probably some flavor of TERFy essentialist second-wave feminist. That's its own form or repression, in its way.

But I wasn't left to my own devices, was I?

The reality is that you can break down someone's gender expression and rebuild it in whatever image you like, but to make it stick you have to break down their gender identity too. And it's maybe the popular thing to claim that gender identity is immutable--that's certainly an experience people have, trans and cis alike. But believe me when I say that gender identity can be broken down like anything else about a person.

You have to break just about everything else about a person first, though, up to and including reality-testing.

And they did. They stripped away everything that made me a person--not just on purpose, but in planned, methodical fashion, with goals and dates and benchmarks. They kept meticulous notes on my progress. They did these things because they believed it was the right thing to do. And Humpty Dumpty never quite went back together again. I never felt like a girl or a boy or a man or a woman, and I never quite felt like a Something Else either. Gender was a rich subjective experience--a color to paint with, a way to play dress-up. On good days, it felt like a kind of spiritual attunement. It was a changing force for the rest of my life.

But I'm telling you a different story, I suppose. About my doctor.

I told her what happened. She was too professional to say, You know uh people die from that. But I wondered, then, if that's what she was thinking. It's something people said to me, and say to me, when they find out.

She was a consummate professional, but her eyes were all blank and she kept going for her pen to jot down notes, only she wasn't looking at her pen or her notepad and her hand kept missing.

I remember that part clearly. I remember it, but it might have been a different doctor, or maybe a therapist. It might have been a different time that that happened.

The clearest thing I remember--the last clear thing I remember--is that she asked, very matter-of-factly, whether I had experienced other abuse before the age of eighteen.

The next thing I remember is standing on a street in a strange part of the city. I could not have told you my name, how old I was, or what city I was in. I was sober in the strictest sense of the word--I had not imbibed any substances, prescription or otherwise--and I had a receipt in my pocket from a series of finished errands at the post office. I couldn't read anything properly, which is usually a sign that I'm dreaming. So I thought that's what was going on.

Worked it out eventually that I was standing in a crosswalk weeping, because a woman walking a golden retriever stopped and pointed out a cafe across the street, and the lettering on the sign was big enough I could read it. So I crossed to the corner and she asked if I could look after her dog for a few minutes while she stepped inside and bought herself a coffee, and I don't know if I said anything but I sat on an adirondack chair in front of a brilliant fire-truck-red cafe and petted a golden retriever for a while, and that was nice. I think I had some vague sense that I was being managed; but I was also petting a dog, so that was alright then. The woman came back out eventually and brought me a cup of coffee and I couldn't stop crying but I felt calmer. I don't remember anything about her--not her face, not her age, not her race, not the sound of her voice--but I remember her dog vividly.

Anyway. Drank my coffee. Third of the way through the cup when my pocket vibrated, and I discovered I had a phone stuffed in there. I went to Google and wrote, I am a conversion therapy survivor and I need help. And Google, quite helpfully, supplied the number of Seattle Counseling Service, which at the time was one of the oldest LGBT-centered mental health organizations in the city. And I got on the phone with a clinician who helped me navigate to the bus stop, and then to their offices.

Here's another true thing: I don't know why I told you this story, unless it's to avoid telling you what I told my mom, which is to say your grandmother.

I don't really remember what I told her. Something about how growing up queer in that part of the world, during that particular era of the culture war, trained me to protect parts of myself--and more to the point, to protect myself by protecting information. To manage my life in terms of circles of privileged information.

(I lied to my brother last week about something painfully stupid: the platform that hosts my serial novel. I could have just asked him not to read it. I know him well enough to know he'd respect that boundary. I want to say I don't know why I did it, but that's not how it was at all. To tell him about my novel at all felt like heaving a boulder uphill, sometimes with more success than others. I could talk about the reader community all day--that part was effortless. But a dangerous detail like where to find the full text? I told him the closest thing to the truth I could bear. It's not deliberate dishonesty so much as a failed effort at honesty. He worked it out before I could heave the real answer out of my mouth. And then he confronted me, and I couldn't bring myself to talk about it.)

Circles of privileged information.

That's what Mom and I talked about today, a little. I told her that two things were true: the women who tried to craft me--whatever I was--into a straight submissive Christian girl did something deeply unethical and deeply harmful; and they did it because they believed with all their souls that they were doing the right thing. I told her I'd done a lot of work in therapy to let both of those things be true at once.

But that wasn't the important thing, was it? The important thing is that I got quiet for a few minutes.

When I go quiet and there are no words, just the feeling of heaving a boulder uphill. Maybe it's a successful push and I manage to say something true. Maybe my aim's off and I land on a near-truth instead, and if I remember I'll try to go back and correct myself later. If I manage it. If I can.

Fiction is simpler. The words flow like water and the details land faraway enough that I can bear to say the unspeakable things. And anyway, we all know it's supposed to be make-believe. We all know to trust the substance, and forget the details.

This? This is harder. But there's 566 anti-trans bills kicking about this stupid country; there are lawmakers trying to legislate childhoods exactly like my 10th grade year across whole states; there are children like the one I was standing in the crosshairs.

So I'm trying to write my own experience as a nonbinary human: messy, dangerous, yes; and yet our community has this love for one another that is incandescent. I learned the reality of love from fabulous queers. I'm trying to document a year in transition.

Know that I love you, kiddo. Know that I'm doing my best. Nothing has made me happier this year than learning to be your uncle.

See you soon.

#nonbinary #gender identity #gender fluid #ptsd #derealization #fiction #family feels #conversion therapy #homophobia #queerphobia #lgbtq #lgbtq community

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