#There's less pressure to post a finished piece every week when I also have writing to back me up and vice versa

[sio-writes]

Added a link in my pinned/about post, but to officially announce it, I'm linking my art tag here too!

And here's my parent blog art tag for older art

#Personal #Not writing #Officially linking my art to this blog #My parent blog is meant to scrictly be my art blog but I'm never on it #I only reblog tm with that one #Plus I feel you all will appreciate my stuff more #There's less pressure to post a finished piece every week when I also have writing to back me up and vice versa

[copperbadge]

Some Discourse On Fictional Chefs

I collected up all the discussion of Simon’s potential love interest in the Shivadhverse (and one about Twelve Points) and threw it in a post :D 

katestamps

If it is realistic at all, I’d love to be able to hand 12 Points to my musician daughter when she gets home from college around the 18th of May. That’s also the week after Eurovision. No pressure, I’m just excited for her to read it!

For a second I was like “If the book is realistic? Well, it kinda is, I’m working on that now” and then I realized you meant datewise :D I hope it is -- the book’s in final edits but a few of them are taking some time. I have to finish the edits, typeset, design the cover, upload, order proofs, approve the proofs, and then the thing can go out, which is not NOT doable by May, but it’s slightly iffy only because my April is super hectic. But most of the delay is usually in ordering the proofs (they take longer than they used to, to print and ship) so if I can get shit done BEFORE the hectic, we should be good. 

And now on to the chefs. I was a little amused, admittedly, because I didn’t vocalize clearly what I was asking about when I asked what people would like to see -- I was thinking more in terms of gender, sexuality, disability, race, etc. but I didn’t specify that, so instead I mostly got fascinating ideas for backstories and character aspects. Which is so fandom! I love it, I’m not mad or dismayed, it’s just also really funny. :D 

dignitywhatdignity

Are you thinking someone from Eddie's TV Chef circles, or more along Simon's own, more classical background?

spaci1701

A protégé of Eddie's who has taken over his show comes to do a special on the Country that Stole Our Star and had gotten a little big for his britches?

1968bullittmustang

It's probably too close to Eddie's character, but... What about one of those chef's that travel the world cooking the most awful (or best) local dishes with home chef's. Or maybe just a National Geographic photographer in country to do a piece on the 'One Highland' 😁

I’d like them to be a native Shivadh, only because most of the books to date have involved either total foreigners or expats returning, and both Royals/Ramblers and the football novel will as well. I’m hoping for someone who has moved to Fons-Askaz from the rural backcountry, but the idea is that Simon comes into conflict with someone who has a much less “fancy food from a classical background” style -- part of the conflict comes from each of them initially assuming the other has the inferior way of cooking. So -- more on Eddie’s line BUT not one of Eddie’s folks, because whoever this person is, they’re relatively local. 

Mind you, I do like the National Geographic angle. And I do kind of like the idea that someone else took over Truly Tasty. Eddie said that might happen. And that’s something I’d need to work into Royals/Ramblers so hmmm, making a note. 

dignitywhatdignity

(Or you could steal from the foodieverse! A classically trained hipster with a Michelin-starred food truck! A chain pizza scion with a flair for molecular gastronomy!)

Actually nicking some from the Foodieverse might be helpful -- maybe taking and twisting around Steve’s plotline from that universe a bit, though that doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be a Hot Male Hipster. But perhaps someone who trained classically and then decided it was all bullshit. 

spinningprincess

It's in my brain because it's what I'm writing, but I bet someone who's a little bit New Agey and leans hard into the symbolism of EVERY dish, whether from a "traditional foods of XYZ culture" standpoint or a "historically used for $magickal effect" standpoint, and like, talks about the energy of the kitchen, would be a great and interesting counterpoint to Simon's lack of that. And it's such a GOOD romance trope. (to be clear, I'm writing two different stories right now where no one ever cooks a food because they're hungry and want to eat A Food, it's all "well, basil is good prosperity magic, but cabbage is good prosperity magic and also the traditional food of my people, and...")

On the whole it’s an idea I like, but I’m not sure it’s fitted to this particular plot -- might be something to revisit with another character at some point, though. 

I’m discovering just how difficult it is to write hippie/new-age characters with Royals/Ramblers in part because so much of that mythology eventually traipses around towards anti-Semitism. Not necessarily food symbolism, and not ALL new age stuff is that way, but it really is a razor-fine line at times. 

knottahooker

My first thought was that terrifying lady chef from Ratatouille, she was fantastic. Someone with her personality, maybe? Cactus with a heart of gold who will absolutely stab you anyway.

My instinct is along those lines, at the least someone who is a trifle confrontational, but I feel like so much of it depends on other aspects of who they are, which is what I’m struggling to pin down. 

robinade

it would be funny if Simon's "nemesis" was, like, lactose intolerant or something so they have objections to French cuisine (so heavy on cheese and butter) but Simon doesn't know this at first and is mortally offended

musegaarid

What if Simon falls for a bodybuilder or a ballerina or someone on a really restrictive diet? If they were older and getting ready to retire, he could reintroduce them to good food.

I like both of these -- I think there’s particularly something to the idea of an athlete who has eaten a restricted diet, since that’s something that can alter more easily than allergies. But to make the story work they really do need to be a fellow chef. Which, there’s no reason they couldn’t have dietary restrictions AND be a chef, but I’m not sure I’d do either side of them justice that way. 

katestamps

Ooh, I just had the thought of Simon’s nemesis as a French chef which was actually an espionage cover. Think Julia Child, Cold War edition. (I also think of Simon as 5-10 years older than Michaelis which may or may not be accurate.)

Man, there is something to the idea of a spy. I’d say from Galia, but I don’t think Ofelia either wants or needs someone to spy on Fons-Askaz for her, she could just like, ask Alanna if she needs to know something :D Might turn this over in my head a bit, although it would again mean someone coming from outside the country. 

Simon is actually a trifle younger than Michaelis -- Michaelis was around 34, 35 when he hired him, and Simon and Hugo were both in their twenties. It still puts him in his fifties -- I do enjoy writing romances for older people, especially because there is something of a dearth of romance novels specifically featuring older men (they do exist but you run face-first into the “daddy” trope a lot, and “older man” in romance-speak often clocks in at “definitely under fifty”). Older women as the POV character are more common, I would imagine because older women are a huge target audience for romances. 

annechen-melo

Thinking about the love interest for Simon, someone who Absolutely Does Not Have A Media Presence beyond their cookbooks, and there is a Very Good Reason for that. That reason may be anything from an acerbic personality whenever someone points a camera in their direction to being just not good at Peopleing. Hmm. How international is the idea of Witness Protection Makeovers?

They could also just be crap at social media -- I’ve come to realize that every social platform EXCEPT tumblr is basically incompatible with my brain, and even the ones marginally compatible like Reddit, I just don’t find a ton of value in them a lot of the time. Which would be a nice foil to Simon starting up a recipe blog at the same time. 

strix-alba

I wish for Simon's love interest to be a salt-and-pepper-haired butch woman *shakes the genie's lamp*

There’s definitely a salt-and-pepper butch woman coming into the Shivadhverse at some point. :D I had her set for a later book, and not sure that’d be right for Simon, but I’m not ruling it out -- a fairly mouthy, fairly masc woman about Simon’s age is one of the strong potential characters I’m considering. 

Anonymous asked:

Shivadhverse: Concerning Simon’s love interest: would you consider someone like Catherine Bordey, owner of La Kaz,  from “Death in Paradise”? Or possibly even a French POC like her daughter? I’d really love 💕 to see a character who is both French and a POC. 😊

I’ve seen an episode or two of Death in Paradise but I don’t think I’ve encountered those two characters! I’ll have to see if my folks can educate me on them, they love that show. I am trying to figure out how to work more racial diversity into the books, so that’s a thought. Not necessarily French, but French-Shivadh; they do share a border. 

Anonymous asked:

maybe not a fit but I'll try anyway. what i'd like in a chef character is someone who tried something, really got into it, then backed out of it so hard. like the foraging culture, which could net you a research hole into local greens. what if they believe it's now too polluted to forage safely? and yet they have an encyclopedic knowledge of the seasons and life cycles of sidewalk dandelions. tl;dr cursed knowledge

As an aspect of the character that could work, although it gets difficult because like...the deeper someone is in something, the more I have to learn in order to put it out there :D I was looking at something along those lines, or at least something similar that might make them a bit brusque. Lots to mull on overall, anyhow. 

#shivadhverse

[nakunakunomi]

What's up

Hiya all, a little update before I dive into creating a queue again of some sorts, and start planning and posting original stuff. So... I have been incredibly absent, I am fully aware of that, and I have had some time to reflect on the reasons why, in order to maybe be better about writing again.

warning, word vomit incoming, it's just a long text, but it does serve as a decent explanation for my silence and what y'all can expect. I'll put a TL;DR at the bottom.

When this blog started, almost 3 years ago, it was peak pandemic time in my country. I was lonely, bored, and I had just binged all 850+ episodes of One Piece in one go, and needed an outlet. I stumbled up on Tumblr in my fic searching progress and fell deep into the reader insert hole. I used to write fanfic in Dutch, but never got to writing and publishing in English and it seemed like a perfect time to do so, and NakuNakuNoMi the blog was born.

I could write insane amounts within a short amount of time, because I was still studying, and doing so from home allowed me enough time to write up to 3, sometimes even four or five pieces a day and publish them. The next year was similar: still studying, half-distance learning, and bored out of my mind at home.

Last year I got a job as a teacher and I moved out. Having my own space and a roommate that's a friend, as well as not having to deal with my family, allowed me to pick up a lot of my lost hobbies again. I am drawing (although I am not particularly good at it, crocheting, I got a keyboard very recently, most of my writing time is spent writing DnD things, I am reading and gaming a lot more...) I spend a lot of time at my hobbies, and I don't feel the need to be behind my laptop any more every evening.

On top of that, I know I am *only* a high school teacher, but the job does demand a lot from me, time-wise and emotionally, because I also just really want to do the best job I can. Which means that I do spend a lot of time on my laptop just working, leaving very little time for writing.

I was getting a little burnt-out on writing too, putting the bar way too high for myself and sometimes writing things I did not enjoy just because it would give me some more likes and reblogs. That, in combination for not really getting a lot of feedback even for requested things etc, made it very hard to keep motivated, while my other hobbies seemed that much more rewarding.

But I do miss writing, even though I cannot find a lot of time for it anymore. And I miss Tumblr, and the connections I made in these years, even though a lot of them are gone now, mainly due to my own hiatus stacking and anxiety about reaching out, feeling like I am annoying people by messaging them.

So I feel like I will be writing some more. I have one more week off, and I think I want to tackle some of my WIPS.

My system will stay the same: I do no more requests, but people are free to send in suggestions that I may or may not get to. I will not promise anything. Events will work with requests still, but I am not gonna do any events for a while still. The only one I foresee until september or so is an anniversary quickfire event. Other than that I want to finish my summer event next summer, and finish up some other things, finally post some of the multichaptered stories I have been working on in the background. I will probably be setting up a queue again, and if I find the confidence to do so, I will be posting some of my own OC art and fanart here as well? I am not completely out of that one just yet. It's really not that good haha.

Hope to see you all and make some connections again in this year <3 Love, Hazel

TL;DR

life and hobbies made me too busy to write

I still miss it

I will do another attempt at getting this going again, but hopefully with way less pressure and a very slow queue

Maybe post terrible fanart? If you'd be up for that

#update #personal #hazel speaks

[dreamgrlarchive]

Self Care 101 🦋

In this post I’ll be outlining my current routines as they relate to self care. I’ll cover everything from head to toe making sure not to skip your spirit. You cannot be a girl of ANYONE’S dreams if you aren’t taking care of the most important person in your world: you.

mornings:

wash face with gentle cleanser from curology, tone with organic Mamonde rose water and finish with rich moisturizer and spf30

brush teeth with activated charcoal toothpaste by Crest and baking soda for whitening and gum clarity

take vitamins : woman’s one a day, hair skin nails, biotin, vitamin c

drink glass of water then a cup of tea

black tea, raw cane sugar, a lemon slice, ginger

good for energy, immune function, and detox

showers:

this may sound so extra (😅), but depending on my hairstyle, I sometimes like to let the shower run for about five minutes with the door closed to create a sauna effect. this is especially if I have a mask on my hair.

my showers usually are about 20-30 minutes

I have a back brush, pink exfoliating gloves, a loofah, and tree hut body scrubs and I use them ALL.

I wash first with my dove beauty bar to assure clean skin before washing with EITHER my OGX Shea So Soft body wash or Dove Renewing Peony and Rose Oil body wash to add scent or silkiness to my skin.

hair removal:

I haven’t yet mastered the art of waxing myself so I’m still riding the shave wave. *when I do I’ll make a post 4 that*

I exfoliate throughly before AND after shaving

I shave my entire body using Tree Hut Shaving Oil and a nice conditioner I’m not using. This leaves my skin super soft and silky and helps the razor to glide without skipping. I use Gillette Venus. no less than five blades, anything less is ASKING for nicks and a hard time.

when I don’t feel like shaving, I use Nair. use at your own risk. yes, I Nair my ENTIRE BODY. only leaving it on for about 7 minutes I rinse in WARM (not hot) water and exfoliate afterwards. it is imperative to moisturize after to avoid irritation. however, Nair is much easier to do than shaving and seems to last an inkling longer.

after shaving, once a month, I pull out my KENZZI. it’s an IPL device and it has helped to slow the growth of my hair. it’s noticeable for us long, thick haired chicks. I use the second to lowest setting as a melanated babe, as the higher settings could burn me.

I know many endorse the hair on women movement and I can understand it. But I personally love my skin silky, hairless, and smooth.

nights:

after eating dinner, I wash my face and apply the tiniest bit of glycolic serum and my curology night cream. my skin has been the best it’s been in a few years. then I brush my teeth and rinse with peroxide.

every four days I give myself a facial

my favorite face masks:

The Ordinary Salicylic Acid mask

The Ordinary AHA + BHA mask

all Tony Moly sheet masks *luvvvvv those*

GLAMGLOW SUPERMUD clearing treatment *fav*

Peter Thomas Roth Pumpkin Enzyme mask

Peter Thomas Roth Cucumber Gel mask

Peter Thomas Roth Irish Moor Mud mask

Peter Thomas Roth Rose Stem Cell Bio-Repair Gel mask

ORIGINS Clear Improvement mask

An at home honey and aloe mask

I apply a rich facial moisturizer and get to bed.

I then write in my planner my new plans and what I did that day if I hadn’t already. then after that I script and make mood boards in my diary. then I read a little. currently reading: Making Faces by Kevyn Aucoin, and Live Like a hot Chick by Jodi Lipper.

emotions:

I talk to my grandmother about my feelings, she helps me sort things out. please try to find one person you trust to talk to, my messages are always open. 💓 I often overthink. I suffer from anxiety and clinical depression. sometimes these things make me FEEL limited. these experiences wax and wane. I remind myself that the darkness is temporary.

I write in my diary what I feel and track my emotions for potential patterns. I don’t manufacture or sugar coat my feelings, I just talk.

sometimes you need a good cry. let it out. clean your slate. you’ll always feel better, sometimes great after a hard, deep sobbing cry.

I try to get out of the house and get some sunlight. it helps brighten my mood sometimes.

baths:

LOVE taking baths I don’t care what the status quo is about dirt. just rinse off. I love wrapping my hair up and soaking in warm-hot water.

first I run the water. as it’s running I add my bubble bath, then body wash, then my Shea Moisture fragrant coconut oil. it smells soooo good, literally yummy. then I inevitably scream from dipping my toe in the hot water. finally I get in, scrub down my body, emphasis on feet. then I wash, and just relax. I’ve even fallen asleep in the tub once, I was so zen.

careful not to soak too long or overdo it with your products. synthetic materials lingering in your lady bits for too long cause cause infections like bv or uti

some women add tea tree oil, acv, or even Aztec clay to their baths for wellness purposes. I love adding essential oils to my baths to relax and the natural scent is just great 🥺

when I get out I always put something that feels lush and soft on. *invest in super soft, comfy bath towels, they’ll make you feel so luxurious and soft after a nice relaxing bath*

flower:

the yoni is something sensitive that needs to be taken care of thoroughly, and differently than the rest of your body. it’s not recommended to use soaps down there, it can unbalance things and make you itch. also make you prone to infection. this is why I use clear warm water to clean. if I use soap it’s a sensitive, gentle formula. don’t ever try to clean the cavity. she’s a self cleaning vessel.

to shave, I trim my hair down as close as possible and use a FIVE BLADE razor with conditioner and take my time. making sure not to pass a spot twice, I apply moderate pressure and move slowly. when finished I rinse and scrub gently. I PAT not rub dry. to finish off I apply TendSkin, and salicylic acid to avoid ingrowns. once that’s soaked in I apply shea butter. very soft and pretty 🌸

⚠️ DO NOT PUT ON TIGHT PANTIES OR RIGHT PANTS AFTER SHAVING. it restricts the hairs and causes irritation and ingrowns. throw on some comfy loose shorts for a while, let it breathe

dietary needs:

drink plenty of water

cranberry juice

vitamin c

minimal red meat

probiotics

at home vagacial for the high maintenance girlies:

*make any necessary extractions with pointed and slanted tweezers *

scrub: 

brown sugar, tea tree oil, a little shea butter

exfoliating and anti inflammatory

mask:

baking soda, fresh lemon juice, vitamin e oil, papaya juice, gelatin

fixes discoloration and brightens the skin while softening

moisturize:

aloe vera gel, rose hip seed oil

smelling sweet:

ah yes, my favorite part. I love fragrance so much. I love to smell like you could literally break off a piece of me and eat it.

I find that using fragrant washes and oils make your scent more strong and help it linger. I already mentioned the body washes I use. the tree hut scrubs I use smell amazing also. I alike to add essential oils and man made scents like strawberry and chocolate to my Shea Moisture oil (so yummy).

I also use a fragrant lotion, eau de parfum, and fragrance mist.

here’s a list of some of my favorites:

perfumes:

jimmy choo fever

coach floral blush

yves saint laurent mon paris

victoria’s secret bombshell

victoria’s secret scandalous

valentino

fragrance mists:

victoria’s secret velvet petals, pure seduction, warm and cozy

bath and body works a thousand wishes, fiji pineapple palm, warm vanilla sugar, black raspberry vanilla

oils:

coconut

sweet almond

peppermint

chocolate scented essential oil

strawberry scented essential oil

orange

grapefruit

eucalyptus

sweetest combo ever:

vanilla extract, coconut oil, shea butter, and your favorite perfume. you’ll be smelling like a warm cupcake with extra sprinkles and icing 🧁

layering:

oil, lotion, eau de parfum, mist

pulse points:

inside elbows and knees, in between thighs, inner arms, behind ears, back of neck, ankles

hair:

it’s super important to keep your hair moisturized. quenched tresses move, grow, shine and bounce. dry hair is limp, lackluster, and extremely fragile

my fav diy deep conditioner:

a banana, half an avocado, three spoons of honey, an egg, a spoonful of mayo, a spoonful of coconut, olive, and castor oil each

strength from egg, avocado, mayo and olive oil

moisture from avocado and honey

cover damp CLEAN hair and scalp in mixture and cover with a plastic bag, then towel for an hour, rinse thoroughly, and seal in moisture

fav hair products:

castor oil

fusionplex conditioner and mask

Aussie conditioner

wella goji berry mask

coconut oil

style booster edge control

helpful tips:

when shampooing, concentrate on the scalp and wash thoroughly twice, as the suds will naturally cleanse your stands without drying and stripping them

rinse hair with apple cider vinegar every now and then. it restores your ph balance, smooths the cuticle, clarifies the strands, and adds shine

always add oil and leave ins to DAMP hair, never dry; this will ensure you’re sealing in moisture

try to use smooth fabrics to dry your hair, bath towels encourage frizz and breakage

hands and feet:

and last but not least, let’s cover manicuring and pedicuring.

it’s super important to make sure your nails are either DONE or filed, shaped, and smooth. at home maintenance is super easy. make a point to scrub your hands and feet well when bathing. make sure to stay on top of your cuticles by trimming or pushing them back. I like the look that pushing them gives. I use an orangewood stick, metal pusher and cuticle softener to make the process super easy and safe. after I’m done I add my pineapple scented cuticle oil. I do this on my fingers and toes.

invest in a rasp and pumice stone for your feet and use these gently every two weeks after soaking them in warm foot salts. rough usage can cause cuts and irritation. in between treatments keep your feet soft by slathering them in a moisturizing foot cream, cocoa/shea butter then oil to seal it all in. buy some soft thick aloe infused socks and wear them to sleep. you’ll thank me 😉

for info on how I do my nails click this

well, that’s all I’ve got. I truly hope you enjoyed my post! it’s always fun sharing my advice with you all. any feedback is appreciated and question is welcomed ♡

#my posts #self care #high maintenance #the prissy girl agenda #dream girl journey

[luvrsunwooh]

Anything For You, my Darling.

This is the first post for my Prompt Generator series! This series is to help me get me back into the joy of writing. Hopefully, my writing gets better again.

Prompt:

About: You’re stressing about studying for your O.W.Ls and your constant nagging from your parents. Fred notices this stress, and takes you for a de-stress date to Hogsmeade.

Warnings: none.

A/N: I tried making this gender and house neutral! I also avoided using “Y/N”.

“You know, I’m very surprised you agreed to come out today.”

You turned your head to the source of the voice that interrupted the silence you were starting to enjoy. The same silence that had you enjoying the presence of the tall boy with the voice, and being lost in your thoughts. It was Fred who was the owner of that voice. Tilting your head in confusion as to why he was feeling that way, you responded.

“And what’s makes you surprised that I came out?” Fred and I continued walking, his glove-clad hands that intertwined with your bare ones. You realized you forgot your gloves half way to Hogsmeade. Fred swore you had them in your jacket pocket before you left the castle. Your empty hand is becoming numb and red due to the icy air and wet snow. You had wished you double-checked your pockets for those well wanted gloves.

“Love, you were neck deep in parchment and textbooks! What made you pull a Hermione and take so much classes? I was thinking you would rather study, since that has been a new hobby of yours. But I also don’t want you to turn into some mad woman because you’re holed up in the common room all day!” Fred giggles as he unclasps your fingers and wraps it around your shoulders, pulling you closer. His gloved hand takes your other hand and holds it. The warmth of his body travels to yours, making you feel a tad bit warmer.

“Hey, at least I wasn’t taking so much classes that a whole time traveling unit had to be used. Plus, Snape gave us two days to finish a very long essay. I can care less about Moonstone and it’s uses, and I can care less about potions in general.” A groan left your chapped lips as you were reminded of the half finished “Moonstone and it’s uses in Potion Making” essay that lies half finished on your bed.

But it was true, Fred had noticed you were working extra hard lately. Staying up late in your common room (Fred caught you in the library once covered in ink whilst writing another essay for Muggle studies.) Being in your fifth year was probably your hardest year. With your O.W.Ls exams coming up and wanting a head start in practicing on top of your current studies. It was also true that you were taking more classes than what the normal student would be taking. You silently blamed your third year self for choosing this much classes.

You seem to be studying so much, that Fred was starting to see you less and less. At the second week of this year, he asked you if you wanted to watch one of his Quidditch practices. You rejected his request due to wanting to study for your O.W.Ls. And before you know it, you’re spending your days, Fred-less and in the library with ink stains blotting fingers and textbooks. Once Fred realized you were doing more studying with little to no breaks, he decided enough was enough and wanted to take you out on a small date to Hogsmeade. Even though Fred has had enough of the trips to the small village (the excitement of the idea wearing thin), he figured just taking you out away from the castle, away from the source of your stress was the best idea to de-stress his beloved.

“Darling, I just want you to take a break before your brain combusts into pieces for trying to contain so much information in that brain of yours.” Fred joked as a giggle escaped from your lips. A snowflake touched your tongue as you giggled.

“Thank you for thinking of me, Freddie. You already know this but I’m just worried about my parents. They keep feeding me these ideas that I’m going to fail my whole life if I fail one class. It wasn’t that bad previously, but this year especially has been worse than any other year. They just want me to get the most O.W.Ls I can. If I don’t bring home the desired O.W.Ls, they’ll kick me out.” A sigh was heaved, as you stared at the white fluffy ground creating a shape of your black combat boots’ sole.

“I’m under so much pressure to make them proud, that I feel like my only option is to study night and day. I’ve just come to realize that I’m spending less time with you and I’m so so sorry for not making any time to spend time with you. This isn’t right of me to just leave you hanging. When you do ask me on dates and spend time, I want to, I really do. But my parents keep pushing into my thoughts, making feel like I have no choice but to stu-“

Suddenly, your back is pushed against something loud and rather flimsy. You don’t get to register what it is, when a pair of soft lips braided with your chapped ones. Your eyes flutter shut and your lips moved back, rhythmically with his. His fingers laced into your hair, while your bare hands wrapped around his shoulders. After a small moment, he pulled away and stared, taking in your beauty. A soft smile crept up to his face.

“Darling, hey. Today is our day to de-stress. Why don’t we try to forget everything back at home and the castle? It’s just us two and Hosgmeade, eh? Plus, it’s snowing! You told me once that you love taking small walks while it was snowing. Let’s take a small walk.” You took his hand that was stuck out after his small speech. You gladly accepted it, and continued your small walk in preferable silence, hands once again intertwined through the busy village. This time, you got an opportunity to suck in all the scenery.

To your left was the Three Broomsticks. The warm air hit your face for a moment, as a Ravenclaw student opened the door to leave. Once you walked past, you head the Ravenclaw yell out a name, probably for a friend. The street lights were coated in white, and yellow light was beaming from the inside of the street light. A big, red bow complete with a shrub of mistletoe in the middle hung on every post to signify that the Christmas season was currently taking stage.

You passed by a couple more shops and small local restaurants, enjoying the snow laying swiftly on your eyelashes. You look up to take a small glance at your beloved. The tall ginger took notice that his loved one was staring at him, that he turned his head to you and smiled. You swore your heart skipped a beat just at his smile. Fred’s messy hair that poked out from his knitted hat becoming soaked from the previous bits of snow melting on it. You stop for a moment and Fred furrowed his brows in confusion, due to your pause in motion. The snow continued its motion downwards. You looked up at him taking his hands.

“Fred, you know I love you. Thank you for taking me to Hogsmeade. I really needed the break. I really don’t know what I would do without you.” You mumbled, as you hear a giggle coming from the older Gryffindor.

“Anything for my darling.” Fred smiled wide, as he also dug something from out of his pockets.

“Oh, and by the way, here’s your gloves. I took them from your pocket when you weren’t looking.” Fred smirked and held out your gray knitted gloves that were clumped in a ball.

“FRED WEASLEY!”

You knew you could never ignore this prankster.

#draco malfoy #fred weasley #george weasley #hermione granger #hogwarts #ron weasley #cedric diggory #fred weasley edit #harry potter edit #severus snape #fred weasley x hufflepuff!reader #fred weasly x reader #fred weasley x ravenclaw!reader #fred weasley x slytherin!reader #fred weasley x gryffindor!reader #fred weasley x reader #harry potter x reader #harry potter #hogsmeade #george weasley x reader #i just relaized I wrote leaky cauldron instead of three broomsticks TF

[watchyourbluesturngolden]

I’ll never stop loving you

Ok, so, this is very heavy. This piece is about eating disorders. As always, this is only about my personal experience. This is probably very triggering, so I don’t recommend reading if you think this will be upsetting. 

This was not easy for me to write. I kind of just started writing one day when I was feeling really bad about myself and then it just kept getting longer. I decided to post it because I know there have to be some other people out there who have these same feelings, and I want to help them feel less alone. 

warnings: eating disorders, calorie counting, insecurity, hospitals/medical stuff

word count: 4.9k

Y/N held back a sigh as she unlocked her phone. She glanced up to make sure Harry's back was still turned before she opened her calorie counting app and entered the apple she had eaten earlier. 

95 calories. That wasn't really so bad. Well... she battled with her thoughts a bit. No, it was fine. If she didn't eat anything else this evening, besides the pasta he was making, that would bring her to just below 500 calories for the day. Perfect. Y/N's relationship with food was... complicated. She had been overweight as a child, and even now she really struggled to keep from gaining weight. At her last doctor's appointment she had been told to try exercising and eating more greens. She desperately wanted to lose weight, but she also had a very hard time staying away from junk food. 

There had been more than one occasion where she's snuck to the kitchen after she was sure Harry was asleep and eaten everything she could get her hands on. She always felt terrible afterwards. She was physically in pain, but the worst part was how ashamed she was.  She often sat on the kitchen floor, crying and wondering what to do. She hadn't resorted to purging, but honestly that was only because she couldn't make it work. She had tried. Several times. She wasn't sure if it was physical or psychological, but she just couldn't. So, most of the time, she just restricted. 

It had been easy when Y/N started, but since she started dating Harry 8 months ago, it was much harder to keep this secret. It was manageable since they didn't live together, but he was very perceptive and asked her several times a day if she was hungry or if she had eaten. She had gotten very good at lying. 

A simple "not really, I actually ate just before you got here," or a "yes, I finished the pizza we made" was enough to satisfy his questions. She could rattle off these answers without missing a beat. Luckily, he never noticed how much food got thrown in the garbage. Every so often, she could tell he was suspicious. That's why she always made sure to let him see her eating at least once a week.

  Even though she was essentially starving herself, Y/N wasn't seeing any results. She had actually gained a pound in the last month. After she saw this, she didn't eat anything for almost 3 whole days. Harry had been away on business, so he didn't see when she nearly collapsed in the shower. He didn't hear her crying at night because she felt so hopeless. She hid it all from him. 

She had only felt more determined to lose weight since that incident. 

"So, I was thinking we'd watch a movie tonight while we eat. Maybe a Christmas one?" Harry pulled her out of her thoughts, turning away from the stove. She quickly closed the app and smiled up at him. 

"Sure, I'll go pick one out," She said, getting up from the table, taking her phone with her.

Harry was a little confused. She usually had no problem with him looking at her phone; they often used each other's interchangeably. They knew each other's passwords and their fingers could unlock the other's phone. Lately, though, she would quickly turn off her screen whenever he looked in her direction. He trusted her completely, but he knew something was going on. 

Y/N was searching through the list of Christmas movies on Netflix. She loved watching them, but they were so upsetting at the same time. The main character was always so skinny, so effortlessly beautiful. Of course she knew it wasn't real, but... still. She knew she would probably never look like that.

Y/N finally picked one. It looked incredibly cheesy, so hopefully she could focus on that instead of how skinny the main character was. 

She made sure her calorie counting app was cleared from her recent apps and went back to the kitchen. She grabbed two plates, already worried Harry would try to dish her food up for her. Luckily he moved away to wash his hands. She used that time to scoop the smallest amount she could (without causing suspicion) onto her plate. She spread it out as much as possible and took a rather large serving of green beans to make her plate look full. 

He turned back around, frowning slightly.

"That's not very much, love. If you don't like my cooking you can just tell me," He joked. 

"No, you're an excellent chef. I just had a big lunch," she smiled, lying right to his face without a second thought.

"Alright, if you say so. Shall we start our movie?" 

"We shall," Y/N laughed, copying his formal tone. 

He smiled as she walked toward the couch. He absolutely adored her, even though she had a hard time appreciating herself. She had never said anything to him, but he could see it on her face when she spent long amounts of time in front of the mirror, inspecting her appearance from every angle. He couldn't figure out why she felt this way. She was absolutely gorgeous. He didn't want to bring it up until she did, not wanting to push her to talk about anything she wasn't ready to talk about. 

Harry started the movie, settling into the couch. About halfway through, Y/N got up to put her plate away and use the bathroom. Harry noticed she took her phone with her again. 

While she was in the bathroom, Y/N quickly opened her calorie app. She estimated how much she had eaten, then added an extra 1/2 cup just to make sure. Her daily total was... 511 calories. She nearly let out a sob. Tears started forming in her eyes, but she quickly wiped them away. She could 𝘯𝘰𝘵 let Harry see her crying. He was so attentive and loving, and would stop everything to find out what was wrong. She closed the app and splashed some water on her face. Luckily, it was dark in the living room and there would probably be a sad part of the movie she could blame her puffy eyes on. 

She stepped back out into the living room, avoiding Harry's eyes as she sat down. She pretended not to notice his concerned look as she started the movie again. 

Sure enough, about 10 minutes later came the sad scene. The main character was breaking up with her perfect boyfriend, because "they just didn't work". Even though it was very cheesy and Y/N knew they would get back together before the movie ended, she couldn't help but get emotional. All the stress of undereating, recording every bite of food she ate, lying to Harry, and eating more than she planned today was building up. She was just so overwhelmed. She couldn't help when the tears started rolling down her face. Harry didn't notice until he heard her sniffling.

"Oh, love, it’s ok! Don't cry, they'll get back together soon, you know they will," He soothed, moving closer and putting his arm around her. 

Y/N couldn't say anything, but Harry being so close just made her feel worse. She felt too big. She felt like she didn't deserve to have such a loving boyfriend.

"I know, I know, I don't know why I'm so emotional today, I'm sorry," She said, wiping her eyes. 

"Why are you sorry? It’s alright if it gets your heart a little. I just hate to see you so sad," He said, rubbing circles on her shoulder with his thumb. 

Having Harry so close, telling her how much he cared about her, was even more overwhelming. Nevertheless, she tried to keep her tears in so he wouldn't ask any more questions. She managed to hold off, promising herself she could cry to her heart's content once he went home for the night. 

Once the movie ended, Harry moved his arm and kissed her hand. 

"Feeling better now? I told you there'd be a happy ending," He smiled sweetly.

  "Yes, much. You were right," She grinned, which quickly turned into a yawn. Harry checked his phone. 

"Oh, it’s way later than I thought. I better get home, let you get some sleep." He stood up from the couch, stretching. Y/N stood too, walking with him to the door.

  After putting his coat and shoes on, Harry gave her a quick peck on the cheek.

  "I'll text you when I get home. Goodnight, Y/N, love you," he said, smiling.

Y/N blushed. "Love you too, babe." 

She was already feeling worse as she watched him drive away. she opened her calorie app, staring at the numbers. 511. How could she have done this? 511 calories. She felt miserable. She got into her bed, staring up at the ceiling. Against her better judgement, Y/N started thinking about her relationship with Harry. What would happen when Harry wanted to... take it further physically? She could barely handle seeing her own body in the mirror without breaking down, how would she let someone else see her? 

Harry was a good guy, she knew he was. She knew he wouldn't pressure her to do anything she wasn't ready for. But... that really wasn't fair for him. It was unrealistic to expect him to wait forever and, what, never have sex again? She very much doubted he would be ok with that. 

The more she thought about it, the worse she felt. Soon, the tears were rolling down her cheeks again. She did nothing to stop them. 

A few minutes later, her phone dinged. She picked it up and saw it was from Harry. 

"Got home safe. Love you darling, sleep well<3 " 

She texted back, "Love you too, talk tomorrow :)" 

She shut off her phone, not wanting to see his reply that would probably be very sweet and would make her feel worse. 

She laid in bed for hours, feeling miserable and wondering what she was going to do, before she finally fell into a deep sleep. 3 days later (she didn't sleep for 3 days I just didn't know how to make this time skip haha) She startled awake after a very unpleasant nightmare. She dreamed she had finally agreed to be intimate with Harry, but at soon as he had taken her shirt off he started laughing. He broke up with her right then and there, telling her no one would ever want to be with her. 

She hugged her pillow, checking her phone. it was 4 A.M. Great. Now she could either try and fall back asleep or give up and sit on her phone until the sun came up. 

She chose the latter. She swiped away the text from Harry before opening tumblr and scrolling through her feed. Pictures of skeletal girls wearing fishnets, high waisted shorts, dresses, whatever they wanted, flashed across her screen. Y/N decided to continue fasting until the end of the week, then decrease her intake to 300 calories per day. She wasn't making progress at 500, so this had to work. It had to. She didn't have anything else to try. She was already doing yoga for weight loss 2 hours every day and eating next to nothing. This was her last option. She rolled out of bed when the sun started coming up and walked to the bathroom, weighing herself. She sighed, seeing she had only gone down 0.2 pounds. Better than gaining, she thought. 

She changed into leggings and a sweater and rolled out her yoga mat. Y/N found her weight loss yoga series and stretched. She usually did every episode 4 times, just to make sure she was getting the full benefits. 

On her second time starting over, she nearly fainted when get got up from the downward dog. She swayed on her feet, quickly getting down on the floor so she wouldn't fall. She laid there until she felt better, then slowly stood up. She sunk into the couch, deciding to be done with yoga for the day. She was exhausted, and she thought she might really pass out if she kept going. 

Her phone dinged and she picked it up, seeing it was from Harry.

  "Good morning love:) The sky's supposed to be clear tonight, want to come over and stargaze?" 

Y/N smiled. He knew how much she loved the stars. 

"Of course! I'll come over around 8?" 

"Sounds good, see you then:)"

  As long as he didn't try to offer her any food, everything would be fine. This would work. She could just tell him she finished the pasta he made so he wouldn't try to give her supper. Perfect. Y/N pulled one of Harry's hoodies out of her closet, slipping it over her jeans. She loved wearing his clothes. it made her feel small and safe and loved. She scooped the rest of the pasta into the garbage, only feeling a little bad for wasting the food. 

She got into her car and plugged her phone into the car speakers, starting Harry's album. She had been playing it on repeat since it came out. The music was already incredible, but what made it even better was knowing it was about her. Harry clearly felt Y/N was amazing, which was hard for her to process. How could someone who looked like that be in love with her? It didn't seem real. 

By the time she got to the third song, Y/N was almost at Harry's house. She pulled into his driveway and unplugged her phone, giving herself a minute to take a breath. Everything would be fine. She would tell him she had eaten the pasta and he would believe her. Everything would work out.

She turned off the car, walking up the path to Harry's door. He opened it before she even knocked, beaming and pulling her into a hug. 

"I missed you, love," He said, squeezing her tighter. 

"Harry, I saw you 3 days ago," She laughed.

"Yeah, well, that's way too long," He shook his head, pulling away from her a bit. "Did you eat? I can find something quick before we get out there-" 

Y/N quickly cut him off. "No, I'm good, I finished the pasta you made. How does your food still taste amazing, even days after?" 

"I dunno, I guess I'm just magical," He laughed. 

He led her out to the back porch, gesturing at the ladder. 

"I figured we'd sit up on the roof. There's a better view, and... it's more private," He smiled. 

Y/N pretended she didn't know what he was implying. 

"Sounds good!" She began to climb up the ladder. Suddenly, she didn't feel so well. She was dizzy and black spots were appearing in the corners of her eyes. "No, no, no," She thought desperately. "Not again! Just focus, one rung at a time, you can do it." 

Luckily, she got to the top and made it onto the roof safely. She sat on the slightly tilted surface, putting her head between her knees.

Harry's head popped up from the edge of the roof, looking very worried. He rushed over, putting his arm around her. 

"Y/N, are you ok? You don't look so good," He said nervously.

"I'm fine, I'm just..." Y/N tried to think of what to tell him. She couldn't exactly say "I'm  dizzy because I haven't eaten in 3 days" because she had already lied about eating supper. "I'm not a fan of heights." 

"Oh, I'm so sorry, why didn't you tell me? We didn't have to come up here!" He looked like he felt terrible, but Y/N was quick to reassure him. 

"No, it's totally fine, I thought I could handle it a little better. I'm ok, maybe just... don't move your arm?" She moved closer into his side. While she felt self conscious with him so close, she really did feel dizzy and worried she might fall if he moved away. She was also freezing cold, despite the warm air, so she liked having his extra warmth.

"Of course I won't." They sat in silence for a few minutes before Harry spoke again. 

"If... if you're feeling alright now, I'd suggest looking up," He said. She could hear the smile in his voice as she lifted her head. 

"Oh... it's... beautiful," She whispered. 

She had never seen such a clear sky. Billions of stars shone brightly, which was weird since there was usually too much light around to see them. That's when Y/N noticed it was a lot darker than normal. 

"Harry, where are all the street lights?" 

He blushed, looking down. 

"I wanted you to be able to see the stars better, so I got the electrician to turn them off for a few hours. He's an old family friend," Harry explained. "He said he had no problem helping me woo a pretty girl." 

Now it was Y/N who was blushing. 

"Well, it worked. I am very... woo'd," She said. They both laughed before looking back up at the twinkling sky. 

"Oh look, there's... that one constellation!" 

Y/N laughed. "Brilliant, Harry, that ONE constellation." 

He smiled. "No, no, it's... I can't think of the name! it's one of my favorites. it's the one shaped like a W. The one that's a queen, sitting on her throne. This'll drive me crazy if I don't remember it." He reached for his phone, hand patting his empty pocket. "Oh, must've left it in the house. Mind if I use yours?" 

Harry didn't miss the split second of panic that crossed her face. He didn't know that she was frantically wondering if her calorie counting app was still open. She knew she couldn't say no without looking very suspicious, so she faked a smile and handed it over.

Thankfully, he didn't even open her recent apps. He just clicked on the safari icon and typed quickly. 

"That's it! Cassiopeia! The beautiful queen on her throne," He said, handing her phone back to her. "Anyways, I think of you when I see that constellation." 

Y/N smiled. "You see me as a beautiful queen?" 

"Obviously, I do," He said, kissing her cheek. 

For the first time, Y/N didn't feel embarrassed to be in his arms. He had always told her he loved her, but comparing her to a literal queen? A queen made out of stars? That was different. 

Y/N was so happy that she didn't mind when Harry's lips lingered on her cheek, then moved to her jaw. They had never done anything except cuddling, so this was all new to her. She leaned into him, getting lost in the sensations. 

Then she started thinking. She realized where this was going as his lips migrated down her neck. Though she was really enjoying this, she started panicking when she thought about what would happen next. 

Her breathing and pulse sped up. Harry smiled into her neck, thinking it was just her reaction to his touch. Then she was pulling away, or rather, pushing him away.

"Stop, stop, I want to stop!"  

He snapped his head up, backing away and holding his hands in the air to show her he wasn't going to do anything.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I should have asked you before I..." he was also breathing heavily. He knew she was inexperienced and was very nervous to try anything new. 

Y/N felt tears springing to her eyes. 

"I- I have to go," She said, swiping at the tears on her face. 

"Wait, Y/N!" 

She was already climbing down the ladder. As soon as she got down, she ran through his house and to her car. Harry was right on her heels. 

Y/N started her car and drove away as fast as she could. She felt bad because she knew Harry was beating himself up right now, thinking he was the reason she freaked out. She just didn't know what to do. She couldn't explain why she had pushed him away without going into... everything. She couldn't tell him the reason she pushed him away was because she hated her body so much it physically hurt. He would just tell her she was beautiful, and then he would probably figure out she wasn't eating enough. He would force her to recover. And... she couldn't do that until she was skinny. 

She pulled into her driveway, running inside. Before she had even gotten up to her room, she heard Harry pounding on her door. 

"Y/N, open the door!" More pounding. "Y/N, I need to know you're ok! Please, you don't even have to let me in, just... text me or something to let me know you're ok! Please!" He kept pounding on the door. 

Y/N crept up the stairs, ignoring his pleas. She felt awful, but she couldn't do anything. He kept pounding and yelling and she got worried someone would call the police, so she pulled out her phone, sending him a quick text. "i'm fine." 

Then she shut her phone off, jumped in the shower, and cried.

By the time she got out, she didn't hear any more noises. She checked her phone, eyes widening when she saw the 27 missed calls and dozens of texts from Harry.

Her phone started ringing again, but she immediately declined the call when she saw Harry's smile light up her screen. She hoped he would get the message. She silenced her phone, settling into her bed and drifting to sleep.

The next day, Y/N startled awake to more banging sounds. She sat up, leaning over to look out her window. There he was, pounding his fists on her side door. "Well," she thought, "At least there's less chance someone will call the cops on him." 

She heard faint yelling and knew she had to do something. He probably wouldn't leave, at least not until she actually asked him to. It was nearly 3 P.M., and she guessed he had been there all day, if not all night. 

She swung her legs over the side of bed, but a wave of nausea and dizziness hit her as soon as she stood. She took a moment to steady herself before stepping out into the hallway. 

Y/N held the railing with an iron grip as she slowly climbed down the stairs. Black spots began to swim in her vision and she felt even worse than before. Then the room spun around her and she fell. 

Harry's p.o.v. He stopped pounding on the door for a minute to call her again. His phone rang for a while, so at least she wasn't just declining his calls. 

Which... was actually worse. What if she wasn't ok? What if she was hurt, or worse? He knew she hadn't left, he had stayed outside her door all night.

  Right before he started knocking again, he heard it. A very loud crashing sound. It sounded like something had fallen down the stairs.

His eyes drifted to the window and he pressed his face against the glass. His view was distorted through the sheer curtain, but he could make out something on the floor at the bottom of the stairs.

He focused his eyes and gasped when he realized it was Y/N, lying in a heap. He ran back to the door, trying again to open it. When it didn't budge, he went to the front and back doors, trying the same. Finally, he decided what he had to do. Harry ran to the back door so no one on the street would see him and picked up a shovel lying in the garden. He took a deep breath, steadying himself, and rammed it into the glass. He rotated the shovel around, clearing all the shards before he climbed through the hole. 

He ran over to Y/N, dropping to his knees and feeling for a pulse on her neck. He nearly sobbed when he felt her heart beating, though it felt pretty weak. He yanked his phone out of his pocket and dialed 911. 

Harry had been sitting in the waiting room for a few hours when the doctor approached him.

"Mr. Styles?" 

Harry stood up quickly.

"How is she?" 

She's doing fine now. But..." He didn't seem to want to tell Harry something. "Mr. Styles, she is extremely malnourished. She fell down the stairs, you said? It seems the reason for this is because she lost consciousness, because her blood sugar was so low. We usually only see levels like this in people with diabetes." 

"She's... she not diabetic, though," Harry said, confused. "And what do you mean by malnourished? I see her eat all the time." He said, voice faltering a bit.

"From her labs and scans, it would seem she hasn't eaten in several days, maybe a week. She also shows signs of chronic undernourishment, which means she's been eating less than her body needs for a while now.  She is extremely dehydrated, and her electrolytes are very imbalanced." 

"But- how could she- I mean, she doesn't-" Harry couldn't seem to collect his thoughts. "Can I see her?" 

"You can. She's not awake, but I'll take you to her room," He said, leading Harry towards her room.

Harry's eyes teared up when he saw Y/N in the bed. She was connected to several machines, and a nurse explained that they were getting her nutrients up and keeping her hydrated. She looked so fragile.

Harry fell into the chair by her bed, clasping her small hand in both of his. 

"Was she- I mean- was she... starving herself?" Harry's voice broke as he spoke to the nurse. 

She offered a sympathetic look. 

"It appears so, yes." 

"What can I do? how can I fix this?" 

"Mr. Styles-"

"Harry." 

"Harry, you're doing everything you can. We've got her, physically. all you have to do is love her and support her. 

"Right," Harry said, looking down. "Thank you." 

The nurse left the room, leaving the two alone. Harry stared into her face, silently willing her to wake up. She had to wake up. This was all his fault. He must've done something that upset her so much she stopped eating. He thought back to last night on the roof when she had pushed him away. Had she felt like this the whole time? Had she felt so unhappy in their relationship that she was slowly killing herself? 

Y/N's p.o.v.

When Y/N woke up, she was in her bed. No, wait, not her bed. A hospital bed? She looked around, confused. 

She saw Harry, asleep in the chair next to her. She tried to say his name, but she couldn't get out more than a hoarse whisper. 

She looked around, searching for something to get his attention with. She settled on the empty plastic cup next to her, throwing it and hitting him in the shoulder. He jerked awake, eyes darting around until they landed on her. Relief flooded his face as he moved his chair closer.

"Y/N, you have no idea how worried I was about you," Harry said in a soft voice. Tears pooled in her eyes as she grasped his hand. 

"I'm so sorry," She whispered. 

"Just... why? Why did you do this? Is it because of me? Do you..." His voice shook and he took a steadying breath. "Did I do this to you?" 

Y/N shook her head frantically, squeezing his hand. "No, no, Harry, you didn't, I promise, this isn't your fault. It's... I've just... I don't know," Y/N's voice broke off as tears started streaming down her face. 

"It's not your fault, Harry. I-I just... I wanted to be... perfect," Her voice sounded so small. "I wanted to look like the girls in the stupid hallmark movies, who are so skinny and... just gorgeous," She said, still crying. "I wanted to look like them and I just wanted to feel pretty and I just hate my body so much," Her words ran together and got harder to understand as she buried her face in her arms. 

Harry's heart broke a little more with each word she spoke. He stood from his chair, situating himself on the bed next to her and putting his arms around her. They just sat like that, Y/N's shaky breaths slowly settling to match his even ones. He could still hear her sniffling every once in a while, but she had mostly calmed down. 

"I love you more than anything else on this earth, Y/N," Harry said softly. "I don't know what I would ever do without you. I'm so sorry I didn't notice you were going through this. You are the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on, and I don't want to change anything about you." 

Y/N looked up at him. "I think... I think I need help," she said, her voice shaking. Harry just pulled her back against his chest, kissing the top of her head.  

"I will stay with you, always," he murmured. "I know you can get through this. I won't leave your side." 

"No, I... I think I have to go away somewhere," She said, avoiding his eyes.

"If that's what you need to get better, Y/N, then I will support you. I'll visit you as much as they'll let me, as much as you want to see me. I'll do anything for you, to see you get better." 

"I love you so much," She said, eyes welling up with tears again. 

"I love you too," He whispered, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "I'll never stop.” 

#harry styles #harry styles/reader #harry styles/you #disordered eating #eating disorder #anorexia #harry styles x you #harry styles/you fanfiction #harry styles x reader #harry styles x reader fanfiction #one direction #one direction fanfiction

[nsfwflint]

So thinking about it, and with a few of the anon asks going around about advice for newer writers, I decided to give mine even though nobody asked for it and it probably isn't that good.

As one ask inquired and I briefly explained: don't feel pressured to write everything chronologically. It's okay to jump around if you get ideas for different parts of a piece. Just add it in and figure out how to connect it. For me it's far easier to connect random stuff I've jotted down than get blocked because I can't figure out how to continue a scene.

As briefly talked about with another writer: feel free to stop working on a piece if you can't find a way to make them work right now. You don't have to force yourself to finish something if you're no longer feeling it. It's okay to stop working on it, BUT never delete it. You never know when an old idea will sound good again.

Get an app on your phone or a list or something. And whenever you get a random idea, write it down. Doesn't matter what it is. A cool or dramatic piece of dialogue you think is good, or a thought of a certain position/act you think of with an idol, or even just a title idea you came up with seeing a random word somewhere. If inspiration hits you, embrace it and take notes. You'd be surprised how much that little bit helps you out. The entirety of my Office Politics series started because "beautiful woman in office apparel are hot as fuck."

Just start writing. Don't worry too much about skill level, that will improve the more you write. Same with grammar/editing. Don't worry about that until after you finish your piece and then go back and edit it. Even if you're not sure, as long as people understand what you're trying to say, it'll be fine.

This bit is personal experience. Just start writing, but also pace yourself. Don't burn yourself out by writing too much too fast. Inspiration is definitely a rush and after finishing a piece you'll want to keep it going and immediately chain into another piece. But it's okay to take a break. Take a breather. Couple weeks between pieces, maybe a little less, maybe a little more. Just enough to avoid the burnout. Otherwise you end up like me with Every Three MonthsTM

Sort of playing into the above; if you're nervous about posting it, just say fuck it and do it. There's no point in getting nervous. We all write because we want to write our fantasies about fucking idols. Either other people will find it hot too, or they won't. And that's fine either way.

Well I think that's all I got for now. Again, I'm not really a great writer so might not be the best advice. After all this is mostly stuff that works for me, but everyone is different. You just gotta find out what works for you. Whatever you do, happy writing and good luck! If you post something, make sure to send me an ask to let me know. I try to support new writers but I don't go actively searching for them. Good luck!

#writing #kpop #kpop smut #izone #izone yena #iz*one #iz*one yena

[beggingwolf]

hi so I've just eaten too much ice cream, feel vaguely ill, and I'm here to tell you All About How I Failed At Outlining for SGKF this year!

that's partially just a fun tagline, but it's also a bit true. I told my friends I'd be trying to use several different outlining methods to try and knock out a plotty piece for the fest, and things did not go to plan!

important to begin with: I am what is referred to as a "pantser." I tend to just start writing. this is strangely contradictory to my personality, which deeply loves plans. unfortunately, what often happens is plans and outlines ruin my excitement and drive while working on a project (it tricks me into thinking I've done all the work and resolved the plot), leading me to abandon it.

and though I can throw together pretty words and made a decent fic, my fics never turned out as good as they could have been. I kept telling myself that if I planned in advanced and worked out what I was doing BEFORE I did it, I'd be able to craft a fic with such care and attention as to make it really SHINE.

so, uh, kinkfest rolls around, and since I was a mod I could see all the prompts before they even got released to the public, so I basically had a WHOLE EXTRA two-ish weeks to start planning and writing.

did I? NO.

so, despite the fact that I collect writing advice like a magpie , I'm not the greatest at implementing it. if you go into my SGKF google folder, you'll find a few instances of me TRYING to implement writing advice like metawriting:

(and you'll see some fics that didn't get finished/make it into the fest!)

my issue was (and still is) that I think I value every little word too much. this is a bad thing: I'm an overwriter by nature. when I get words down, I want to keep them because I feel like I worked hard for them, even if they're not great or don't actually serve the story in the way they should. that's not to say all my metawriting was bad; it wasn't. I tried it out for A Drowning in California as well [which will henceforth just be referred to as "California").

I had a whole subfolder for California. what kind of amazed me is how different my initial notes for the prompt are from what the story actually ended up being. here, take a look:

literally almost none of this is in california. the WWE and UFC stuff made it in, and so did sid wrestling with horny, but that was it. I was going to start this fic in the locker room, with sid wrestling someone, and it was seriously going to be a story about sex—about sid wanting to hold geno down in bed. that was the premise.

and instead, we got a really emotional story about familial rejection and the isolation it can make people feel. SO! something happened along the way, right?

when I started getting into the plot that would support this supposed sexfest, this is where I went at first:

geno wants the relationship to get serious, sid is like mentally still a 12 year old who just wants to wrestle people and doesn't want to talk about his emotions, and prefers to use physicality to communicate. this doesn't work for geno, who wants ... more

we can start to see the actual emotions come through, the things I was interested in: sid using touch to talk, and geno desperately wanting more

what did the most good for me, in the end, was "doing" the metawriting by talking with my friends.

I told them what i thought this story was about ("I'm thinking about making this a story about relationship-defining, maybe? and the communication needed for a lasting adult relationship? I think I'm going to set it in california/LA, where Sid has invited Geno along for the first time for his California Summer Fun/Training/Escape, whatever, and Geno's going to be emotionally preoccupied with Defining The Relationship—maybe they've been on-again-off-again? maybe they're just new to this, like almost a year deep, and they're not getting younger—and thinking this trip is about that [or hoping this trip is about that, and realizing it isn't, and being disappointed].") and they told me what jumped out at them.

Jes told me what would ramp up the tension would be a deadline of some sort; "Geno’s going to break up with Sid or make some decision or something, or there’s something approaching where they have to make a will they or won’t they decision of some kind related to the core ‘defining the relationship’ issue. Geno’s going back to russia and in previous summers they’ve always slept with other people while apart? or Sid has a wedding coming up and he’s offhandedly mentioned taking someone else as his plus one?"

I liked her thoughts. it made sense to add an external pressure to all this, and that wedding idea stuck out to me the most.

Lis said I should add a jealousy angle, so you can largely credit her for the club scene: "one thing i like to sort of headcanon/imply about sid's california trips is he uses them to hook up anonymously. so you could have, like, sid and geno seeing sid's friends, but also accidentally running into some of sid's friends. and geno's like oh, great, so here i am doing this horrible summertime training that i hate because i don't need to train in the offseason actually, and i'm learning what exactly sid gets up to when we're apart."

My magical solution these days is GOING FOR WALKS. do it if you're able. it clears out your brain. so on my walks I ended up deciding that I wanted a taylor crosby wedding. I like taylor as a character, and as a person with sisters I just like writing her in. best of all, she and sid are close and I like writing "I'd do anything for my family" sid.

and then I was like. oh. what if it's not that sid is afraid/nervous to bring geno, it's that he can't.

I... wasn't as conflicted as I thought I'd be about writing sid's parents as homophobic. I prefer to write them as supportive; I think troy crosby's been eviscerated more than he should have been in older fanworks, and though I respect their right to make fictional!troy whatever they want, I've been a little skeptical of outlandish takes on him ("he doesn't say I love you to his son because a camera caught them mid-interaction once!") ever since I read how the media has found him a convenient narrative villain while he tried to keep his underage son safe from the media as a child and while they needed to cook up Spicy Stories about squeaky-clean sid.

uh, tangent aside, I always thought I'd never write a "parents are the villains" story, but I did here. it felt right. it was easier, too, because they're not PRESENT in the story. I didn't have to write trina actually being horrible to her son. I just had to skirt the edges of the wound.

which works well on two fronts: I don't have to actively write the crosbys being horrible to sid, and I also leave more to the imagination of the reader, and that almost never fails to make the work better. whatever the reader imagines them saying to sid, it's going to be 10x more hurtful than anything I'd write.

I dug really deep on some personal emotions and fears I experience as a gay person for a lot of sid's arc here. sid is deeply imperfect in this story, and he's internalizing his pain and the horrible thing that's happened to him, which is making him pull away from his partner, and sid is not responding how geno wants, nor is he responding well, period, though he's trying in his own wounded, stilted way.

and beloved geno, whose tender heart is so hidden away for fear of someone hurting it. I really like writing geno; he's huffy and emotional and sometimes bitchy and feels things SO deeply.

once I had more of an idea, I was already working on a more detailed outline. this is where I seriously took Jes's advice and WROTE EVERYTHING OUT! it made it so much less daunting, because I didn't have to be figuring out my next steps AND crafting sentences at the same time. also this is where I tell you that the title of this post is mostly a lie, it was metawriting I failed at.

This outline also meant I avoided writing large swaths of things that should've been cut. Another beta told me I should delete three scenes and condense a bunch of emotions into the club scene, and she was SO right. Cutting events out of an outline is WAY easier than cutting out pages of text.

Ironically my outline kind of deteriorated after the club scene, but that's alright: after I wrote the club scene, I actually had a clear vision of what I wanted the end to be. I just had to trust myself. I CAN do this, I CAN still just write intuitively sometimes!

I think California did what I wanted it to do. I'd love to try something out that's longer and has more story arcs in it (jes has a post for that too!) but I think that's best saved for another, longer project, though 18k isn't short.

next up is maggie stief's writing seminar that I bought a month back. I'm going to start working on that this month and see how I like it. I have a few halloween fic ideas, plus spookfest, so these next two months we should be cooking in the kitchen!

#on writing

[kinetic-elaboration]

100 Days of Writing: Day Sixty-Three

I decided to catch up on The 100 Days of Writing and then I... accidentally wrote a large number of words. In my defense, this is like 2 weeks’ worth of questions. Also I skipped the ones I didn’t have anything to say about so actually this could be worse.

(I’m not even kidding, this is really long. I talk about writing rituals, tools for plotting, my thoughts on opening with dialogue and why I don’t like it, my favorite topics, the weather, and what length of fic I like to write.)

I’m tagging, and apologizing to, @the-wip-project and fellow participants @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold, @thelittlefanpire, @hopskipaway, @easilydistractedbyfanfic, @dylanobrienisbatman, and @fontainebleau22.

*

Day 49: How do you get yourself in the mood to write? Do you have a ritual?

Every time I tell myself I’m going to get back into doing these questions, I see this one in my bookmarks and go nope! and turn around. It’s not a hard question; I’ve just been having trouble consistently getting into the mood to write, so I feel like any answer I try to give to it will be, in some sense, a lie. Like do I ever get “in the mood” to write? Really?? Also, I feel like I’m relying too much on ‘ritual,’ building up ‘the perfect writing situation’ in my head, which at the end of the day is less important than just saying ‘I’m going to do this now’ and then doing it.

I do have some things I always do when I sit down to a writing session. I write on my couch. Almost always (unless I’m on an event deadline where I just have to write in bits and pieces whenever possible), I write in sprints—I use write or die to keep me actually typing and not staring into space. I write in order, and I often write a whole scene at a time. So before I start I need to have at least a couple solid opening sentences in mind, plus some kind of idea about what happens/needs to happen in the scene. In order to get in the right headspace, I usually spend some time just thinking before I actually get to writing. I reread my outline or notes, and skim whatever I might have already written on the project. Sometimes I look at images that help me get in the right mood. Sometimes I just imagine or daydream for a bit. The difficulty, especially recently, is in making sure I do this just enough and not too much, because then I get too caught up in my head and I can no longer translate what I’m seeing into words.

In a broader sense, I also have a building up to writing ritual—again, I think this is part of my problem, that I don’t know how to balance this build up with actual writing. In the hours/days before writing something, I turn it over in my head a lot. I practice different versions of those critical opening sentences. I play it out like a fantasy just to see if there’s a possible flow, even if the final version is different. Basically, I try to turn it into something that just needs to be written, that just needs to get out. But again—this can lead to overthinking and frustration.

The best way I can describe writing for me is that, when it goes well, I find a rhythm, or enter into a zone, where I can describe the images in my head in a way that’s both accurate and pleasant to read. But entering that zone or finding that rhythm is like jumping into a game of jump rope. If you don’t do it right, you’re just going to trip over your feet and get tangled in the rope. But if you do it correctly, it’s fun and exhilarating and you can keep jumping for a long time. Sometimes it takes me some false starts to jump in. And recently I’ve been having days where I just can’t at all, where I tangle the rope up so much I can’t unknot it. Those are the days I just have the same sentences repeating over and over in my head, sounding wrong, and I can’t do anything about it. On the other hand, I write in much longer sprints than I did a couple years ago. I used to only write partial scenes, maybe a few hundred words. Now I can write whole scenes without stopping, and on a few occasions, I’ve written multiple scenes or even whole stories without stopping. So in other words, when it works,  it really works. But it doesn’t always, and there’s not a lot of in between.

*

Day 50 What fic/story made you?

Um… honestly I’ve been writing, in general and fic specifically, for such a long time that I didn’t have a ‘maybe I can do this’ moment. I mean one problem I’ve never had is thinking I can’t do this. I had positive reinforcement for my school and academic writing, and for a long time my fictional stories were just for me, and I knew what I liked. Even just thinking about my fic writing… I’ve been posting fic online since 2006, and I’ve been in multiple fandoms. I don’t really have much connection to a lot of those early stories anymore. They feel like they were written by someone else, a little. I’ve also moved on from most of the fandoms I wrote for in my early fic days so I don’t feel like I can really judge them anymore.

That said… there is kinda an obvious answer for my Star Trek fic lol. I also have favorite stories, and stories that stick out even years after I wrote them, in all (or at least most) of the fandoms I’ve been in. But I’m not sure if that’s the same.

Also, I had two teachers who were really encouraging of me and who I still think about often. One was my seventh grade English teacher, who had us do a lot of writing exercises of various types, both large and small, including keeping writing journals we wrote in every day at the start of class. He once told my mom that I wrote well, not for a seventh grader, but in general, and to be honest I still think of that with some regularity and take a lot of pride and comfort in it. The other was my creative writing professor in college. I don’t think I did my best work for that class, but she was very encouraging and seemed to like what I did. At the end of the semester, as I was preparing my portfolio, she told me that if I didn’t want to do much editing, I didn’t have to, because my unedited work would stand on its own. Again, especially considering all the problems that I saw with my writing for that class even then, I really took that comment to heart. When I’m feeling very self-critical, I remind myself that even my raw scribblings have, perhaps, something to them, and it helps ease the excessive and unwarranted pressure I put on myself. These aren’t really stories about specific writing pieces that ‘made’ me but I do think they speak to that ‘maybe I can do this’ feeling.

*

Day 51: Do you use tools for plotting and what are they?

So, generally, no. Sometimes I’ll look at various writing/plotting/organizational tools as a method of distraction, but my actual process is very simple. I use plain old notebooks and pens, and word documents on my computer, to plan all my fics, from the one-shots to the multi-chapters. I start by writing down general thoughts and brainstorming, then I build a scene list and/or outline, and then, if necessary, I separate the scenes lists into chapters. Sometimes I break down the scenes even more, if I have additional ideas I don’t wan to forget or if I know I need to hit certain points in a specific scene. The process varies a little bit from project to project, but that’s basically all I do.

I did use Evernote to plan the (still unwritten….) Ark AU. I don’t know if that was the best program choice or if something else exists that would have more precisely met my needs. But that’s what I used and that’s how it is. It’s a little annoying that every time I open it, it’s been updated, and the interface looks totally different and I have to relearn where everything is. But the tagging system has worked decently to allow me to see the big picture of this complex, multi-strand, multi-character, multi-ship disaster epic of a story. I struggled to plot it for a long time because I didn’t know how to balance all of the different parts. In Evernote, I made one ‘note’ for each character, and one for each scene (in addition to miscellaneous notes about sub plots, relationships, questions, etc.). Then I tagged each of them, including tagging the scenes by chapter. So now I can look at a list of all the characters, or all the scenes, or all of the scenes in chapter 8, or whatever, but I can also look at just one particular note at a time, and not be distracted by anything else. That said, I do also have one note that is just a total scene list for the whole fic, which is pretty reminiscent of my usual outlining process.

So… somehow this helped me plot (tentatively) the whole thing, but as I’ve written almost none of it—I finished outlining this in February 2020 so in my defense… I think you can see why it stalled—I’m not yet sure if it was a successful experiment in a ‘plotting tool.’

*

Day 60: How do you start your chapters? Do you start with dialogue? Why or why not?

While I am definitely against prescriptive “writing rues” generally, as my own personal rule, I try not to start with dialogue unless I have a very good reason.

To be quite honest, I think it’s lazy. I do think that dialogue openings can be used well, if the writer acknowledges that they are intensely stylistic and, from a reader’s perspective, quite difficult. Even within fanfiction, where a line of dialogue (especially if accompanied by a dialogue tag or swiftly followed by a reference to the speaker) gives a lot more information to the reader than in original fiction, opening with dialogue still shoves the reader directly into the deep end of the scene, with very little to orient her. WHERE is the speaker? WHO is being addressed in the dialogue? WHAT is the context of the conversation? Who ELSE might be present in the scene?

There are reasons you might want to throw the reader in the aforementioned deep-end. Maybe it’s an in media res situation and you want to emphasize the overwhelming nature of the action—starting a scene with “Get down!” for example. Or maybe the overall mood is one of disorientation or floating or uncertainty, and you want to create the same effect in the reader.

But I think if you’re starting a scene with dialogue because that’s the first thing that comes to mind for you—the person who conveniently already has the setting, character list, and even future plot already in mind—and it’s just simplest and easiest to start that way, you’re doing a disservice to the reader.

For example, I actually am planning to start the next chapter of the Sleeping Beauty AU with dialogue. My POV character is in a room with multiple other characters, and she’s examining something meaningful to her and not fully listening to the conversation around her. So I want the dialogue to float around in the background, to feel unmoored, and to stand in contrast to the very precise, detailed thoughts and memories that she’s experiencing, which are grounded in physical sensations like touch.

I haven’t quite gotten it to work yet, though, in part because opening with dialogue and doing it well is, in my opinion, quite hard. The difficulty lies in alleviating the challenges the reader is experiencing and making the text fluid and easy to picture. You need to get all of that scene-setting information—the who, what, when, where, and why—in very quickly, but without being jarring. In this scene in particular, I have multiple characters, all in a comparatively unusual location, and I need to establish where they are, who exactly is there, how they’ve come to meet my POV character (which happens ‘off screen’ between the end of Ch5 and the beginning of Ch6), all on top of the character’s thoughts and feelings.

I know all of this very well. To picture the scene in my own head takes only a moment. I just think about it and I see all seven of the characters, where they’re sitting, how they’re positioned, what their facial expressions are, and I also know roughly what each of them is thinking and feeling. To describe all of this in words would take several sentences. Do I put all those sentences on the front end? Do I weave them in among other description and dialogue? Is all of it even necessary—maybe we don’t need to know who’s sitting in what order on the couch, for example.

I’ve gone over a couple of different ways to do this in my head, and I’m sure it is possible, but I’m struggling to get it all down in a coherent way. (Admittedly, I’ve only made one solid attempt. As I was describing above, I’m probably going to jump in with several false starts, and then it will suddenly click.)

My initial attempt to set up the scene relied heavily on dialogue, but when I read it over, what sounded snappy and interesting in my head just fell completely flat—because it lacked context and thus, any meaning. I think the gulf between how dialogue openings feel to the writer and how they feel to the reader is large. To the writer, they feel easy and natural. To the reader, they can feel forced and, contrary to the writer’s intention, serve as an additional reminder that this is a constructed narrative rather than an immersive experience—the opposite of natural. In other words, as I said, they’re a highly stylized form of writing.

To illustrate, this was my first try at the Chapter 6 intro:

"I still can't believe it," a lightly awed voice says from somewhere behind Clarke. "The Princess of Alpha Station really used to live in our quarters.”

She pictures Miller, sunk into the couch cushions, slowly shaking his head, the expression on his face equal parts satisfied and amused.

"Really? That's what you think is the oddest part of all this?"

"Yeah, Bry, I do. Would you prefer I gloat? About being right this whole time? Who says she's just a legend now?"

My current idea is to still start with dialogue, but to move back into a significant amount of description pretty immediately afterward, and only then add more dialogue. Even this is a little hazy, since I haven’t thought much about this fic in a while. But I do think it’s quite clear this won’t work.

As for how I DO start chapters/scenes/stories… I like to start with a strong image that sets the scene and mood of the story, and hopefully leaves the reader wanting to know more. Here are some examples of story openings I’ve written recently, which I like a lot:

When Bellamy is angered, deafening bouts of thunder shake the heavens.

The cawing of the crows—high, sharp, angry shots of sound. The buzzing of the telephone wires.

Marcus Kane's body shows up again in June, skeletal and rotting, six months after his disappearance at the turn of the year.

The sky has turned a bruised yellow, like the inside of a plum, by the time Bellamy starts seeing the robots in the fields.

At noon on the third-to-last day before Christmas, Murphy leaves the cafe, with a single peppermint mocha and a small paper bag, and heads right, walking parallel to the ocean.

The last one doesn’t seem as interesting but consider: you get the who, what, when, and where, the mystery of the paper bag and where he might be going, and also the immediate understanding that this is probably going to be a Fluffy Beach Christmas story—which is correct, that’s exactly what it is.

I’m not saying that I’m always creative or unique. I often start stories off with descriptions of the weather. And I have committed the ~~cardinal sin~~ of starting with a character waking up, heaven forbid. I don’t have any hard and fast rules for myself other than that I try to avoid dialogue, or at least, be careful about its use (another example: I use dialogue to start off Mad Women—but it reads like narration, until it’s rudely interrupted, a sort of in-joke/reference/twist). I try to match the mood of the story and, as I said, include something that will create a question for the reader, some version of why, that the rest of the story will answer.

*

Day 61: Do you describe the weather? Try changing a scene you wrote by adding weather effects.

After writing a book for the last question, here’s an easy one! Yes, I describe the weather. A lot. Often. In detail.

(Though if we’re talking about the Sleeping Beauty AU as my “current wip,” I actually don’t do much weather describing there, because 4 of the 6 chapters take place in a location with no weather.)

 *

Day 62: What is your favorite thing to write about?

Honestly I like to write about people being dramatic about their emotions. That’s what I’ve discovered while writing my surprisingly self-indulgent Troped fic: I want to describe people acting as if Everything was the Most Ever. It’s fun. Part of this is getting into the usual romantic tropes—longing, pining, exaggerated touches and glances and the like—but why stop at romance when you also have stuff like The Weather and Random Feelings to contemplate?

I also like setting scenes that I find soothing, which is part of why I like Seasonal Stories.

 *

Day 63: Are you more of a drabble/flash or a longfic/novel kind of writer?

I’m in the middle. I mostly write one-shots, and I’ve noticed that a lot of them fall in the 4-6k range. Long one-shots can get all the way to 10-12k but I feel like most of those are, semi-objectively speaking, too long, and would probably have been stronger if they were pruned down to 6k, or, better yet, never made it past 6k in the first place.

I have written some multi-chapters, or, uh, started multi-chapters, but I’m VERY bad at it. The only thing that makes me slightly less bad is being stubborn. Hence the existence of a WIP that I’ve had going for over 10 years now and refuse to call abandoned. Hence this year’s extended angst about the Sleeping Beauty AU, which is only 6 chapters but has taken me literally years to write. I don’t honestly know if I’ve ever finished a multi-chapter WIP, like, properly speaking. I’ve done some short multi-chapters that I wrote as if they were one-shots and then split up for ease of reading or, I dunno, just because. I wrote a Big Bang once, but it’s not very good. Nor very long, if I remember correctly. Generally speaking I probably shouldn’t be allowed to write novels lol—I have a lot of them in my ‘I should write this one day’ idea list—but as it so happens, no one can stop me, so here we are. I definitely have wild fantasies of writing multi-chapters with ease but I’m just a very slow writer and my ideas can’t keep up with my actual-writing. Thus one shots are much easier than multi-chaps, and one-shots on a deadline are much easier than ‘I’ll finish this whenever’ one-shots. One-shots written for events or exchanges also tend to be shorter (and, imo, better) because of the deadlines they’re written on, and are thus more likely to hit that sweet 4-6k spot than stories where I’m allowed to ramble at will.

All that said, I ALSO write a good number of drabbles/writing exercises. I used to write them more often than I do now, but still over the last five years I’ve produced 110,000+ words in free-standing scenes so like… that’s also a thing I guess.

#100 days of writing #my 100 days of writing #100daysofwriting

[grouptalekindnesssoulstories]

Prince Lee? Zuko the Tea Server

@fyrelordzuko i got some inspiration from your post. It sounds adorable. 

I decided as writer that I wanted more homosexual pining/tension. So I edited events to make it so! (Also Jet’s accusation was hard to find. Like, seriously you’d think there’d be more clips of it but noooooo)

Warnings: There’s some switching of perspective and names. ~ <- means a change in perspective (--) <- means time passes. When Sokka is the focus, Zuko is Lee. Otherwise I think I called him only Zuko?? IDK

“Uncle, that’s one of the avatar’s friends” Zuko tugged on Iroh’s arm, pointing to the customer who had just walked in. 

“Yes, so?” Iroh sighed to himself. He’d just gotten Zuko to stop obsessing over the group. 

“So, do you think he’s here to attack me?” Zuko’s voice was so scared and raw, and Iroh wanted nothing more than to just hug him. The banished prince acted so much older than his 16 years that hearing him just be 16 was good. Iroh wished it were something other than fear, but he’d take it as it came. He settled for calming his nephew’s nerves for now. 

“It’s broad daylight. He won’t do anything, and besides he hasn’t confronted you. He seems like the type to use the others for witnesses, so if he hasn’t said anything, you’re fine. Now, go take his order before he starts to get suspicious” Iroh gently pushed Zuko towards the table where the other kid sat. 

~~~~

“What can I get you?” A quiet voice interrupts Sokka’s thoughts. He looked up and his mind went completely blank. There was another boy around his own age, with black hair that looked so fluffy. One of his eyes had a burn mark over it, and Sokka immediately trusted him. It looked like the fire nation was no friend to this guy either. 

“Recommend?” Sokka croaked out after a second. That stupid face crinkled in the cutest way. 

“Huh?”

“What do you recommend! I’ve never had much..tea” 

“Oh. Jasmine tea is my favorite, and my uncle is the best at making it in my opinion” Sokka nodded and the boy started to walk away. 

“Wait, what’s your name?” 

“Oh, I’m Lee” The boy moved too quickly for Sokka to introduce himself. Lee comes back half an hour later bearing a teacup, placing it in front of Sokka. 

“I’m Sokka” 

“I know” Lee acknowledged that fact with an almost familiar smile. Sokka couldn't place it, but it set his heart on fire. Lee retreated once more, and barely reappeared until Sokka paid and left. 

~~~

“Zuko, are you alright?” Iroh asked after the shop was closed for the night. There was a small smile on his face, but it looked like he had aged several years. 

“I’m fine Uncle. Just....tired” Iroh pressed a hand to his nephew’s forehead worriedly. No sign of a fever. 

“Well, get some rest. I’m sure it was a one time occurrence” Iroh soothed, getting their apartment tidied for the night.  

----It wasn’t----

“Uncleeeee he’s baaaack” Around the same time the next day, Iroh was interrupted by Zuko tugging on his arm. Spirits, was this going to happen every day now?

“Well, go ask his order. This is a tea shop after all” Iroh was far less gentle pushing Zuko out from behind the counter this time.  

“What can I get for you today?” Zuko approached the water tribe kid awkwardly, repeating his standard customer greeting automatically. 

“Lee! you were right, the tea was amazing” Sokka visibly brightened the moment he heard Zuko’s voice. It was nice for once to see him not react defensively. Made Zuko smile a little wider. 

“Yes, like I said, Uncle is very good at what he does” 

“Well, can I get the same thing” Zuko nodded, turning to deliver the order. When he came back, Sokka was hunched over a map and a schedule, muttering to himself. 

“What’s that for?” Zuko asked, leaning over as he set down the tea. He had some time to just sit and talk, long as it remained this quiet. 

“Huh? Oh. I’m trying to get in to speak to the king, but we have a deadline. Plus, we haven’t seen Zu-someone in a while. And Appa is still missing.” Sokka was too distracted to notice the nervous half-stand Zuko dropped into.

“Maybe the person you’re looking for is on vacation? And the King is uh...private. So good luck with that” Zuko eased down again, glancing towards his uncle. The former general gave a slight nod, face uncharacteristically serious. 

“Maybe he got his honor back at last. It was restored by Azula!” Sokka huffed a laugh, shifting to pay attention to his companion. Zuko was gaping, his mouth open like a fish’s. After a moment he started to laugh from the sheer ridiculousness. His sister restoring his honor? She was the one who’d driven him to come here. Though his uncle was so much happier now, and it was nice without the pressure of being Prince Zuko. 

“...Perhaps-” he tried to suck in some more air “-anyway, you mentioned someone named Appa is missing?”

“Yea, my buddy’s air bison. It’s how we’ve gotten around since I left the south pole” Sokka shrugged, not realizing the mess that was Zuko’s mind. Because, first of all, damn those muscles were fine. Second, the avatar didn’t have his spirit guide and the bison had a name. 

“That’s-that’s ummmm”

“I have to get back anyways. See you Lee” Sokka stood up before Zuko could do more than stammer a vague response. 

He came back every day after that. Sokka lit up Zuko’s entire day, and he never wanted to go back. Iroh began looking forward to closing time since that was when his nephew truly lived. It was, to put it simply, the best thing for his heart. Until it wasn’t. 

“We’re making plans to invade the day of the black sun. We’ll have the advantage, especially if I can figure out this last piece” Sokka was busy writing situations in his messy shorthand as Zuko leaned over his shoulder, listening and pointing out flaws. He’d figured out they planned to attack the fire nation capital, but he found he didn’t care. For the first time in his life, he felt happy and there were no strings attached. He and his uncle had found a place to carve out a life, free of the fire lord. There was the problem of who would take over, but that was a problem for future Zuko. Then that hotheaded prick walked in. 

“That old man is a firebender! I saw him heat up his tea!” Jet yelled, glaring at Iroh. All of the patrons swapped glances. A pair of soldiers were the first to speak up. 

“Kid, he works in a tea shop. That’s his job” 

“He heats the tea with firebending! I saw him” 

“You’re confused. How about you come with us...” the other soldier said, rising slowly from his chair. 

“No! Fight me old man, and i’ll prove it to you” Jet drew his swords, ready to fly at Iroh to prove his point. 

“You want a show? I’ll give you a show” Zuko straightened completely, drawing the closest soldier’s swords. 

~~~

“Lee, be careful!” Sokka called, drowning out Iroh’s cry of “Zuko, no!” Sokka tried to jump in and help, but the pair were moving too fast and too precise. He didn’t dare jump in and risk Lee’s life. And damn was it hot. Lee ignored all of Jet’s taunts, using those swords as if it were his only weapon. Finally some more guards intervened, taking Jet away. Lee returned the swords and slipped into the crowd. 

“Uncle, can I get some of your special tea? Seeing him again was nerve-wracking” Sokka heard Lee say. He sounded so conflicted and tired. Sokka wanted to run in there and hug him. 

“Of course, we’ll close the shop early today. We both need to lie low for now. Hopefully that’s the end of it, but we should pack just in case” The old man’s voice was muffled. Sokka couldn’t remember his name. Wait, they knew Jet? Was...could Lee have been an old flame of Jet’s? Before he became so...back-stabby. Sokka decided now was not a good time to run to the other boy. He’d think over this and process whatever was sitting so heavily on his heart. 

----

“Uncle, I haven’t seen Sokka in days” Zuko paced the floor a few days later. After what had happened with Jet, Sokka hadn’t returned. 

“Maybe he had to go do something. You said he was looking for the avatar’s sky bison. Or is it buffalo? I can never tell...” Iroh mused, a cup of tea in his hands. 

“Uncle, this is serious. He hasn’t been here in a week! He never misses more than one day!” Zuko’s pacing increased as his panic rose. 

“Zuko, take a deep breath. We just got through a scare about someone figuring out who we were. I’m sure you’ll get a letter soon saying he had to leave for his invasion” Iroh beckoned the teenager to the table. he sat reluctantly, taking his uncle’s hand. Iroh guided him through some de-stressing methods. As they were finishing, a knock came at the door. Iroh stood to answer.

“The king has requested your presence. He would like you to serve tea to him. He wishes you to come now” A soldier stood there stiffly, his face expressionless as he delivered his message.

“Serving tea to the king? What an honor. We will be ready in one moment. I must grab my good pot!” Iroh beckoned Zuko over, handing him the pot and leading the way after the soldier. 

~~~~/-----

“Zuko, get out of here! Make sure the Avatar does too!” The old man pushed his nephew towards Sokka and his friends. Azula had taken over the castle and they needed to get the king and get out now. 

“Follow me. I know a way out” Lee, no Zuko, pulled Aang after him. 

“No! We need to get Katara!” Aang pulled back, stopping the escape. 

“Fine! But stay close to me” The prince turned around, running deeper into the compound. “Uh, Miss-, whatever I need you to see if you can find her with your earthbending!” 

“Turn left and then I can dig down!” Toph yelled, pointing towards a patch of grass with flowers sprouting out of it. 

“Hurry! I can hear pursuit!” Sokka yelled, pulling out his boomerang. 

“Twinkle toes! Help me dig a hole!” Toph yelled and Aang began pushing dirt out beside her. 

“They’re coming from the opposite way now. Azula won’t be far behind, Uncle’s only one person and she seems to have an army” 

“You would know, wouldn’t you, Prince Zuko!” Sokka yelled, turning on the prince. He didn’t miss the way his expression crumbled. Not the time Sokka, not the time!

“Get in! Now!” Toph yelled, breaking up their fight. Zuko hesitated as the rest jumped in.

“Go, I’ll hold them off. I can do that at least” Zuko’s face had that sorrowful smile that Sokka had gotten to know so well in those first few weeks with Lee. 

“That’ll give them a hint. Get in idiot!” Toph yelled and Sokka grabbed Le-Zuko’s arm by instinct. He pulled him into the hole and Toph covered them again before digging again. They finally reached Katara a few minutes later. It was too late, Azula had beaten them to her. 

“Oh Zuzu, I thought you were better than this” She sneered. 

“...go. Sokka, please. Take your sister and run. Run far away and do your plan. Make it the best damn plan. Wipe the whole group out. Start all over” Zuko turned to Sokka, eyes already tearing up. Katara didn’t hesitate, and ensnared her brother’s arm to drag him away. The last view of Zuko that Sokka got was him fighting desperately. He dodged every lightning bolt his sister threw at him. One bounced off, hitting Aang in the back. Sokka turned away to make sure he could get Aang out alive. Zuko could rot for all he cared. 

---

“This entire time, he was PRINCE ZUKO?” Sokka yelled, tempted to crawl into a hole and die. He had flirted with Prince ZUKO. 

“His scar’s pretty distinctive Sokka. Who else looks like someone tried to blind them?” Katara groaned, totally done with the whole ‘I like the guy whose been chasing us around the world’ thing. 

“Lee! Who I guess is just an alias for Zuko” 

“Ok Sokka, we’re done. Time to move on” Toph groaned, stopping her vigil over Aang for a moment. He had barely stirred. They knew he was alive, but who knew if he’d last long enough. All they could do was keep him healthy, and hope. 

(To Be continued?)

#zukka #atla fanfic

[creamypudding]

Woeful WIP Wednesday

Hi! This is the start of my Woeful WIP Wednesday series of posts which will happen on Wednesdays, duh. And before anyone gets up at me about it not being Wednesday yet... just remember time zones exist in this world, and yeah, it is actually Wednesday.

Other things about the name... Most of these WIPs I'm happy with so it's not the actual stories that are woeful. It's the fact that they are still WIPs and not finished that is woeful to me, hence the name, yeah? Ok 😄

So with that out of the way...

I've gone through all my folders and found the various bits and pieces of writing I've begun and let slide or abandoned. My hope is that by letting them be free on Tumblr I might either A) remember that these stories exist, B) perhaps get a renewed appreciation and motivation to poke them, C) give myself permission to never look at them again.

Some of these WIPs I 100% mean to finish one day. Some I know I won't. Some I have actually finished but haven't polished completely or something's getting in the way of me doing a final pass so I don't consider them worthy of going onto my Ao3 account just yet but hopefully will one day.

The WIPs I'm gonna upload are also of various lengths. I have some completed chapters that are thousands of words long, I have some that are mere hundreds of words long and are slips of ideas I started to formulate.

I have 10 AkuRoku WIPs and 6 Zakkura ones. Each week I'll post one WIP and the pattern will be 2 AkuRoku WIPs followed by 1 Zakkura to mix things up a bit. I'll blab a bit about the WIP and post the full WIP under the cut.

If there is anything in particular people would like to know about the stories or the creative process in future posts please let me know and I’ll incorporate more information if people are interested in that sort of thing. If you give me direction I can follow through.

I hope you will enjoy these WIPs and I trust you'll judge them way less harshly than what I judge my own writing.

So anyway, kicking things off I have a very short and sweet AkuRoku WIP. 

I started this in May 2019 and it's technically 'done' but I haven't posted it because it's not done to my specific level of 'done-ness'. All it needs is a little polish. A little editing here and there. Fixing the grammatical and spelling errors, and fleshing it out in a few spots perhaps.

It's the 'fleshing out' bit that hasn't happened and that's truly stopping me from considering this a finished product.

This story is called ‘10 ways to fall in love’ but I never came up with 10 scenarios which I suspect is why this story will never be finished. I could change the name of it and if I ever post it I will change the name of it. In fact, most of the WIPs I post would have different names if they ever do go up on Ao3.

But going back to this specific WIP— it is a canon story spanning Days, KH2, KH3, and after, which is maybe the biggest culprit in regards to why I never finished this story. I don’t do well with canon-based story telling. It’s too much pressure to get everything canon-compliant. Do people ask for things to be right? Probably not so much, but my brain is very hyperfocused on getting things right, which is a huge road block to my creativity and the reason why I prefer AUs.

I don't have much else to say about this story but if you enjoy this, or any of the other WIP’s it would be great if you would let me know.

If others are passionate about these stories it might make me passionate about them again. But who knows.

Rated G

Word count - 951

10 ways to fall in love

What do you call it?

This feeling I have?

Love?

No. Too strong, or not strong enough

A name

A special name

Your name

It was always your name

That made me feel like I had a heart

They didn’t have a name for it. They didn’t even know if what they felt was real because how could a Nobody feel anything. For Axel it was just a ghost of a memory of his old life. For Roxas it was an endless source of confusion because these strange sensations fluttered in his body all the time when he was around Axel. It was incredibly dull at first but grew exponentially bigger with the passing days.

He couldn’t reconcile that even the most tedious missions were made fun when they were around each other - though he shouldn’t be able to have fun without a heart. What were any of the experiences that ever happened between them, without a heart? They felt nothing. They were Nobodies. They couldn't be anything other than empty husks.

That had always been the greatest lie which had been told to them, which they chose to believe, until it became impossible, though the denial sat rife in the way they denied their joy, sadness, and anger. But the strongest denial flowed from the warmth and nameless affections that fluttered in the chest and stomach when they were together. Such a thing was most unbelievable of all and merely a figment of the imagination - a vestige of when they were Somebodies, a quiet echo in a vast nothingness of their actual existence. Even for Roxas, with his half-formed ideas of his Somebodies life.

But none of these things mattered because Roxas disappeared and Axel died.

"He made me feel like I had a heart." A quiet whisper of a thought, made real and said aloud finally crumbled the paper-thin veneer which Axel had clung too, all too late to do anything about.

And he is reborn, and now knows better. Lea knows better. He understands his returned heart which aches and bleeds broken and shattered even as it is physically whole inside himself, pumping blood. His soul has gone, reappearing for fleeting moments when he sees Sora get a certain look in his eyes, or uses a turn of phrase. A spark exists and it jolts Lea every time closer to awareness - closer to a name.

And then he is in that most miserable of places, fighting a war that might never be won, but he must try because the promise of what lies ahead if he does win is worth every risk. He fights for his friends, present and gone, and then out of almost nowhere Lea's heart is returned and whole and stronger than ever before, and his memories are back, and he holds the two people most dear to him. He cannot lose them again and does everything in his power to protect them both, and it is a safe feeling because it stops him from thinking too hard or feeling too strongly the flutters and warmth, and the soothing in his heart.

But he feels it all again, and let's himself be overcome by it as the never-setting sun of Twilight Town is observed with his most favorite people in the whole wide world sitting next to him.

He scooches a little closer, seeking the warmth and reassurance of Roxas next to him. The tinkling laugh builds his own and drips deep down into his body and soul to become the best sound he's always known to miss.

Happiness engulfs him. But it is not the word he looks for when he sees Roxas walking, talking, laughing, grumbling, and eating ice cream. It is so much bigger and all-encompassing than this miniscule word for a feeling..

"I never stopped wanting you back. I never stopped fighting to get you back," he confesses in the evening on Destiny Island, during a rare moment alone on this summer vacation full of reunions and happy tidings.

"I know. I saw, I heard."

"You did?"

Roxas nods and swings his legs as they dangle off the pier the both of them at sitting on.

It warms Lea’s heart to know Roxas was never far away. “I think I felt you – there in Sora. When he got angry and frustrated.”

Roxas laughs. “I was always angry and frustrated in Sora. Everything felt so warm and fluffy inside of there.”

“Realy? Why would that make you angry?”

“Because it’s like eating nothing but honey – you get sick of it,” Roxas shakes his head, “But it’s worse because someone else is force-feeding it to you.”

"It's ok. Just seeing you – knowing you were there wanting to get me back was enough." Roxas leans, Lea receives and the feels which are always right there, in the middle of his chest ignite and burn so bright.

"I'm sorry I couldn't do anything to help you."

Lea hugs him tight, almost too tight. Roxas writhes against his arms and just as Lea makes to let go Roxas gets his own arms around Lea and squeezed him, robbing him of his breath for a few seconds, but Lea feels he could happily die in Roxas' arms and savors the crush.

They both end up laughing against each other, inhaling deep breaths, rubbing their cheeks against each other and leaning their foreheads together.

Everything they ever felt for each other is still there, but stronger, because they have hearts and acceptance of their reality.

"Axel," Roxas' breath tickles Lea's lips. He doesn't care to correct Roxas. Roxas could call him a heartless and he wouldn't care because Roxas is back and with him.

"I don't want you to ever disappear again," Lea murmurs.

"I don't want you to ever suffer again," Roxas apologizes. 

Lea cups Roxas' cheek, which is so soft and warm. "I never will as long as you're with me."

#woeful wip wednesday #akuroku #akrk #cream pudding writes #wip #probably mostly finished

[theratopia]

Start over

Hi, friends,

How are you doing? Somebody should ask.

I feel like I’m contractually obligated to send at least one question per year, and it’s already June. I started writing this update in April, but you’ll understand why it took me so long to finish this in a few moments.

I have been inside my house for over a year now, since April 2020. To be precise, I went to the doctor once in July, then across the street twice in November to vote, then out once more this month for another doctor’s appointment. Between those, I spent stretches of 4 to 7 months inside my house. Do I feel like I’m losing contact with reality? A little bit. Another reason to reach out and tell you how life is in Groundhog Day-land, and thank you for all the support.

The reason why it’s taking me over a month to write this is twofold: I started a room renovation in late March, and when I got close to the end of it, I got Covid-19 again. “Again?”, you would ask me. Ah, yes, again. Because apparently staying inside for a whole year is not enough. We are not sure what caused the first contamination, but the most recent was caused by a birthday party. The neighbors downstairs invited half of their family to drink and yell during a Saturday afternoon. A few days later all inhabitants of all four houses in our complex begin presenting symptoms. For my sister and me, it was the second episode; first for my parents.

Many times in my life I have dealt with the fear of dying or losing a family member. There is no getting used to it. We were in a constant state of panic for two weeks. Even though I recovered well, I am now dealing with post-Covid syndrome, which is a thing and it’s as fun as it sounds. So, not only I have to kick this disease in the balls twice and tell death “not today”, but I also have to tell the lasting effects to fuck off already.

Oh, and the neighbor who started all this? By my estimations, he contaminated between 14 and 20 people. And then he died. But don’t worry, he was a piece of shit. His family is acting like nothing happened, receiving guests almost daily.

Pandemic? Who’s she?

But please, when does it end?

Vaccination is a desire for the future, but it should be coming sooner rather than later since some mayors have decided to compete which town finishes immunization faster. Thankfully, all my grandparents are fully vaccinated and my immediate family got at least their first shot. In my household, I’m the only one still waiting. Best case scenario, I get the first shot next month and the second one a month later. Or it could be postponed to September, with a three month waiting period for the second shot. Until then, continuous isolation is the safest bet.

So here I am to tell you how have I been surviving inside.

Most of my life during these 14 months has been confined to a desk, a chair, and the lower bunk bed. I don’t even have the entire room for myself. The majority of my day happens within an area of 16 sq. ft. I measured. Don’t get me wrong, I am still able to recognize my privilege of being able to not go out for as long as I have. However, as much as I enjoy staying inside, feeling trapped I do not. I am unable to physically move anywhere, which translates into feeling like I can’t move forward with my life. Barstow is still Barstow, but now smaller and more dangerous.

So, to escape and to exercise my stubbornness of not giving up I had to come up with strategies to grow inwards.

I tell you all this because I know that the PodTherapy community was and is a great source of inspiration to better myself even when everything feels hopeless. This show keeps me grounded and motivated. I started working out of Nick, I have been journaling more because of Jim, I have been trying to keep myself busy with projects around the house because of Jacob. I listen to you every week and I feel less alone. The therapod community and the scoop community are the only reasons why I look at Twitter, which I had to abandon for weeks because I realized it was making me so hopeless that I started to shut down mentally and have physical effects of anxiety. I have been avoiding the news too because it literally raises my blood pressure.

To forge some type of normalcy into my hermetic life, I have been focusing on keeping a schedule that separates the days with different tasks. Time has a bit of meaning again and things get slowly done. I need to move my body and my mind, otherwise, the dread makes me numb.

I have realized how strong I am, which is a weird one. I am also once again grateful to have a supportive and loving family that is still happy to be together after all this. I’m tired, but I’m fine. Oh, and the “focus on the now” advice is not the best one when the present is this. I have to cling to a future. I have to tell myself that whatever I’m doing now is because it will improve tomorrow. And, sometimes, to remind me of how much I have conquered so far, I find refuge in the good memories.

I guess it’s all of this and The Sims, that’s how I’ve been keeping myself sane.

If I could I would write much more because I love to add a bit of a South American, LGBT+, female flavor to this American white dude conversation. I threatened you that I was going to write in every week, so we’ll see how long this bit lasts.

I understand that in the US the pandemic seems to be over and you guys are all happy about it, but that’s just not real. The pandemic is not over. And remember that if your country has an abundance of vaccines to reach the majority of your population it’s because the rest of the world was left with the scarcity.

Now, I have simple questions. Am I doing it right? What else do I do? Is there anything else I can do living this mandatory recluse life?

Miss you all very much,

Triple hug,

The Mayor

#podtherapy #theunproductiveblog #letters #podcast #personal

[callioope]

Continuing my reactions to Avatar: The Last Airbender

This post is about Book 3. See my overall impressions and thoughts on Book 1 here. See my thoughts on Book 2 here.

ETA: crap i forgot the keep reading line initially SORRY if anyone saw this before i edited. anyways. please see the tags as a disclaimer before reading. gosh it’s late i need to go to bed.

General

Starting S3 now and dang Katara & Toph have gotten so powerful!!!!!

I literally recorded ZERO reactions from Chapter One through Chapter Twelve. And my first reaction is basically my excitement that Zuko is finally with the Aang crew! But let me try to skim through an episode list to recall my reactions.

You may have already seen my post expressing shock that MARK HAMILL voiced the Fire Lord. Still not over that revelation.

So, ultimately, I binged this show in less than a week. I think I started on Monday? And finished Saturday afternoon. That alone should speak to how much I enjoyed it! 

Aang

Okay, a bit weird to have barely any thoughts under Aang when he’s literally the protagonist, but I think (since I wrote other sections before this) that I touch on some of my thoughts on him under other characters. 

I will say, his journey really intensifies in this season. First, when he awakens after being unconscious for several days and has no idea what’s going on, and is still healing and more helpless than he’s probably ever felt in his life. I did really like his arc in this season, but what a stark contrast to the Aang of Book 1. He has to grow up so fast. I gotta say, a lot of Aang’s journey reminded me just a little of Ender in Ender’s Game. 

I do say this later, but his final decision about how to handle Ozai was amazing. I loved every second of his journey to get there, and I was rooting for him to find a path that felt true to him — and not what everyone else kept telling him he had to do. 

There was one small thing that bothered me, which was that his eventual regaining of the Avatar state did not really seem to come about through intentional action of his own. After he goes down at the end of Book 2, sorta feels like they never even talk about him going into the Avatar state again and he doesn’t until the final moment. That moment doesn’t seem a conscious choice on his part; the scar on his back collides with a rock jutting out and seems to jolt him into the Avatar state. I would have liked to see a little more agency on his part in regards to the Avatar state. 

Sokka

My boy! My boy Sokka! Truly the mother of the group. IDK why they pretended in the beginning that Katara was the mom because it’s definitely Sokka. His maps! His scheduling! He is ridiculous and I love him for it. 

I adored that he got his own training master episode! He got to learn some sword stuff and even got to make a fancy space sword! Everyone else got super powerful with their bending and I’m glad Sokka got his own arc of self-improvement. He has come a LONG way from episode 1. He couldn’t really hold his own at all that early, and now look at him! Planning battle strategies! Taking down the Fire Lord’s air fleet! He’s come so far and I’m so proud!

Oh, you know, I just realized that I didn’t really talk about ships with Sokka in Book 2 but he did continue to have the most active romance arc. It was nice to see Suki return in Book 2, and I am glad we found out what happened to her. I liked Sokka and Suki, I have nothing against it. I was very surprised that so little happened with Toph and Sokka. There did seem to be moments where it seemed like Toph might actually harbor a crush on Sokka, but nothing came of it and she certainly didn’t say anything about it. That felt a little odd to me. Why hint at something but then make nothing of it? 

Katara

Sigh. This is early in the post, but probably one of the last parts of it that I’m actually writing. I’ve definitely been putting it off. Unfortunately most of what I have to say about Katara is about shipping, and I’m really not happy about that, but then it’s what comes to mind over anything else. Which is sort of ironic considering some of her lines in the theater episode...

So in the theatre episode, Aang confronts Katara about how nothing has happened in their relationship after they kissed. She responds by saying she is “confused.” I had some issues with the script here, to be honest. It seems to imply that she’s confused about her feelings for Aang. But she also says that she’s been more focused on the war, and that totally makes sense. I really would support this moment if that’s where they left it: “I don’t have time to think about romance, my mind is preoccupied with the war.” 

But no, they say she is “confused.”

This is pretty baffling to me, and honestly seems to come out of nowhere. Book 1 it was very obvious that both Katara and Aang have feelings for each other, and Book 2 might have backed off a little from that but then we get moments where Katara is so keyed in to Aang’s struggles with the Avatar state and also the only one who can bring him out of it. Now, all of a sudden, she is saying she is confused? Where is this coming from? 

I could definitely see people argue that it’s because she has feelings for Zuko. If I shipped them (I don’t, but I also Get It), I could point to numerous moments in the series as ‘clues/support’ for this ship. Zuko and Katara have a moment at the end of Book 2 where they talk about the loss of their mothers. (“We’re both sad about what happened to our mothers!” not really a foundation for a relationship, but Katara is the most betrayed and distrustful of Zuko when it comes to the idea of letting him join their crew and it is because of this moment. She obviously begins to feel some kind of connection — I’d argue platonic but ship and let ship.) 

And yeah, Zuko and Katara have their bonding adventure, but again I don’t think this has to be read as romantic. Clearly the idea here is that Zuko “understands” a part of Katara that Aang doesn’t — except that in the end, Aang is the one who is right about her. She cannot give in to revenge. It’s not her, and Aang knows that. I mean, they’re both right — Katara had go to on the journey to learn that about herself, and it was important that Zuko was the one who helped her. But still. 

Finally Zuko and Katara go together to face Azula. Again seems like plot is pushing them together for Tension. They definitely work together here and Katara heals him and all that but she’d have healed anyone. (Like yeah if you ship it of course you’re gonna be excited over those moments.)

But.

Like. The thing is. When the dust settles? Zuko and Mai return to each other like moths to a flame. I could believe that Katara might have had feelings for Zuko, but I don’t think he ever returned them. I think it was always Mai for him. 

I don’t really want to fan the flames of ship wars — I’m trying to walk a fine line of “I totally understand why people ship this, but I don’t,” and hopefully I’m succeeding, but I’m sorry if I’m not. 

My main gripe is how the show handled this dynamic. It seemed like they half-heartedly thought about creating a love triangle, but then they didn’t follow through. I don’t particularly like love triangles, so I’m not actually mad that there wasn’t one. But what bothers me is that the Aang and Katara moments are so heavy handed in the beginning, that a sudden subtle take on how Katara feels in Book 3 feels strange. It feels like if she was having feelings for Zuko, it should have been more blatant. The depictions are inconsistent — if the writers were even ever intending for Katara to have feelings for Zuko in the first place.

Like, I really can’t tell if those moments implying Zuko and Katara were intentionally trying to start a love triangle OR if it was just sort of a mistake OR if it was maybe creators trying to address and then negate Zuko and Katara as a ship? I mean it’s weird because the play episode really emphasizes Zuko and Katara but then that play is really supposed to be all levels of inaccurate and get under the characters’ skins. 

So, I don’t know. Obviously we all bring different interpretations to a piece of media and I am by no means saying anything here is a “correct opinion” (because I hate that attitude when it comes to story interpretations). Sorry if you don’t agree, hope I didn’t make anyone mad. Ship what you like! You do you, man. 

On that note, please see further disclaimers about shipping and canon at the end of the “Zuko and Mai” section below.

Toph

Loved how Toph was the first to warm up to Zuko. It made a lot of sense. I mean obviously they were looking for a fire bender to teach Aang and it was like “Hello, powerful fire bender on a silver platter!” but also, Toph is someone who joined the crew later on. The group had to adjust to her, and she probably knows what it feels like to be an outsider. Now, granted, she was never alienated from the group in the same way that Zuko (rightfully) was. But she can also understand Zuko’s position as someone who comes from a wealthy family, the sort of pressure that comes from that. None of this was really addressed explicitly, and it might not have really fit then and there, but it was what I was thinking as she was standing up for Zuko.

Um, and also, on that note? Huge bummer Toph did not get her special bonding adventure with Zuko. Toph, I’m with you on that one! Why did Sokka get two episodes for his? 

Zuko

No “& Iroh” on this post because — Iroh spent much of this season in jail, and then the next half just ??? who knows where. 

So, I believe I stated in the last post how shocked I was at Zuko’s betrayal. Knowing he eventually joins Aang’s crew, it seemed like his time in the prison with Katara would ultimately lead to that, and then NOPE! He has this nice heart to heart about his mother, and then… it really shocked me.

But.

As I watched this season, it became clear that this has to be Zuko’s journey. He has to go back to the Fire Nation. He has to win the approval of his father. He has to get everything he wants in order to realize that it really isn’t what he wants. This is integral to his ultimate revelation and redemption and he couldn’t have stayed truly good without verifying and knowing how empty the win of his father’s approval is.

Realizing this, I loved it and appreciated the moments we get. Zuko’s visits to Iroh. Even when Zuko is being cruel, you can see how hurt and lost he is. And Iroh gives him the cold shoulder he deserves, even though of course this is breaking Iroh’s heart, too. 

Now, I absolutely must discuss the Fire Kids Beach Party episode! Because as ridiculous as parts of it are, it provides such an important and necessary insight to all four characters (Zuko, Azula, Mai, and Ty Lee). You see the privilege that they’re all used to, it’s good that no one knows who they all are. (although maybe a little surprising because Zuko’s scar certainly reveals who he is but anyways.) 

and it’s funny how you almost end up rooting for them before you’re like “no no no. they are bad people doing some bad things.” I mean, almost rooting for them. And sure, the campfire scene is a bit Breakfast Club-y but I do think it’s important. And I just loved the moment Zuko admits he’s angry at himself, how his burst of fire as he says it almost covers it up, it’s so hard for him to say. Fabulous character development going on here, fabulous. 

[Uh, side note, so apparently Zuko is descended from Avatar Roku! This is ridiculous but can we get Zuko calling Aang great-grandfather, mainly to get on his nerves?! O:-) this would amuse me greatly]

And GOSH the catharsis when Zuko finally realizes his father’s approval is not what he wants and not worth it! It’s so well earned. It’s so satisfying. I was so excited and just like, so anticipating Zuko going to meet up with the crew. Zuko practicing his speech in the woods to the frog? Amazing. Endearing. I love him so much. 

And despite that and because of it, I also loved how difficult it was for him to earn their trust. It had to be difficult. It would not be believable if it wasn’t. Every character regarded him exactly as you would expect them to, exactly as he deserved. And Zuko tried so hard to be sincere and contrite, and it was hard for him, but he was doing pretty well all things considered! And still, they distrusted him. Yes. This was good and right. And I loved it. 

AND ANOTHER THING I LOVED was that once that initial barrier was surpassed, Aang actually warmed up to Zuko pretty quickly. This is not surprising; he’d reached out to Zuko in the past. First when Zuko (masked) rescues him, and Aang says they could have been friends. Later, at the end of Book 1 when Zuko again kidnaps him, there’s just a moment… I think when Aang spares him. It’s like, my impression is that Aang can sense that their destinies are connected, and he’s not really sure how but he knows that Zuko is important. Also, I mean, Aang just doesn’t kill people and revenge is not his way. 

Each character getting their own side story with Zuko was also integral to his arc — perhaps moreso, theirs, though. Because it was necessary for them to overcome their distrust and forge the bonds necessary for the Avatar’s crew to function. Bummed he didn’t get one with Toph. Toph was robbed.

And side note, but I really would have like an Aang and Sokka bonding episode? Like, Book 1 is all Aang and Katara and Sokka, but some 1:1 time would have been nice. There was almost a chance when Aang flew Sokka to his father and the water tribe (and at the time I was like, “Oh? Aang and Sokka bonding?!”) But then it was really only a few minutes. But yeah, that said, it does make sense to focus on carving out 1:1 time for Zuko and each member of the crew to ease him into the group.

Sokka: You happy now?

Zuko: I’m never happy.

This made me sad. And also made me go “classic Zuko.”

Every time Zuko was like, “What would uncle say?” And then say the most ridiculous thing? Fantastic. Amazing. Fuel for the fire that was my love for this show.

Zuko and Mai

Mainly the Beach Party episode was important in helping me warm up to Mai. Once Zuko is back in the Fire Nation and they’re together, I was of the mindset that Mai would have to do something pretty big in order for me to enjoy seeing their relationship become canon. This episode is not that episode, but it is an important insight into Mai’s character that explains some of her actions. The fact that she’s basically internalized apathy because she’s been forced to repress her emotions. It wasn’t enough for me but we get more later, this is an important stepping stone. 

It’s also important in establishing just what Zuko and Mai’s dynamic is. It’s a bit shaky in this and they end up breaking up but then they just get back together like immediately (moths to a flame…) In hindsight, I just think they’re behaving like normal teens who care about each other but are still navigating what it means to be in a relationship. At this moment in time, their relationship is not good, but by the end of the show I can believe as they mature that it could be a good relationship.

So the actual moment that I was like, “Okay, officially supporting Mai and Zuko now” was when she helps them escape Boiling Rock. I don’t think we’re ever told the full contents of Zuko’s letter to her, but considering what she says to Zuko earlier in this episode, it doesn’t seem likely he explains himself very well. At least not for Mai to understand. And he still isn’t able to explain himself well to her as they talk face to face. Then he locks in a cell and flees! He leaves her again. 

You wouldn’t blame Mai for hating Zuko. You wouldn’t blame her for actively working against him. But is this what happens? No. Not at all. She helps them get away. She betrays Azula for Zuko. Azula!!! Azula who is very powerful and very scary! This is a clear and distinct line in the sand, and … it almost comes out of nowhere, but what it demonstrates is how she really feels about him. She’s decided to trust him and put her faith in him when she really would have been justified in not doing so. 

I’m also going to say that despite some rather odd implications of Zuko and Katara in parts of the series (namely with other characters who really don’t know them), I never feel like Zuko is interested in Katara. I would buy interpretations that Katara might have considered Zuko, the way some parts of her story are portrayed, but I don’t get anything on Zuko’s side and that is all the more reinforced by how he acts around Mai, especially in the end of the series when they’re reunited. 

(Now, that said — because I don’t abide ship wars, ship and let ship, and power to multi-shippers — I can totally 100% see the appeal of shipping Zuko and Katara, and I would contend there is even some canonical implication of it. And I can’t blame people for not totally loving Zuko and Mai. Now, I do think the canonical implications are sort of muddied and confusing, but though I have actually not written it yet, you’ll have read my thoughts there in the Katara section already. OH, and OF COURSE, MORE IMPORTANTLY — ships being canon should not matter! Ship what you love! Who cares if it’s canon! Finding canon justification for ships should not be necessary for shipping! It can be a fun exercise but should never ever be a reason for approving or disapproving of a ship, it’s just a cherry on top!)

Azula

We get some pretty interesting insights into her character this season. I’ve already mentioned the Beach Party episode, and there was some good stuff in there for her. I particularly appreciated the moment that she admitted she knew her mother thought she was a monster, that she even admitted to being a monster, and then admitted that it still hurt anyways. Honestly that’s probably her best moment.

I also thought her breakdown at the end was well done. Mai and Ty Lee’s betrayal just broke her. She probably knows her attitude puts people off, but those two were the only ones she ever really got on with. And it turns out, she really didn’t get on with them, they’d only ever been intimidated and manipulated into being her friends. She has no one, she pushes everyone away. Literally — and it is ultimately her downfall. 

It’s an interesting contrast to her brother. We literally get an episode “Zuko Alone,” and then it turns out the theme of “Azula Alone” is such an integral part of her arc, as well. The last person she has is her father, and he leaves her, too. Sure, he tells her it’s because she’s to stay behind as the new Fire Lord, but honestly Ozai was never truly close to anyone, either. But yeah. Iroh spends a lot of time and effort trying to help Zuko redeem himself. He never tries with Azula? I think, maybe it would have been nice to see him try with her, and be just utterly rebuffed. Now, Zuko also rebuffed him a lot, too. So Azula’s rejection of Iroh would really have to be something. This is the kind of stuff I’d look for in fic. Speaking of fic: I mean, I’d really love Zuko to find his mom, mom to come back, and then maybe some kind of attempt at reparations between mom and Azula. It doesn’t have to work, I just want to see the effort, you know?

Final Thoughts: Ending & Denouement

I loved Aang finding a different way to defeat the Fire Lord. I loved how every past Avatar he talked to was like “no dude just kill him.” And I loved that that was not enough for Aang. He’s pushing himself and ultimately the spirit of the Avatar to think harder, to try harder, to seek a different way. And that mercy was so integral to Aang’s character, and important to his arc that he struggled so much with it. And he’s just a kid! Oh, Aang. And I loved that he was able to find the answer he needed, the fact that it was taking away Ozai’s fire bending. Yes. Perfection.

I was a little disappointed by how little we got post-Ozai’s defeat. I was hoping the epilogue might have shown a little more in the years and decades following. It would have been nice to see glimpses of everyone prospering as they got older. 

Also, as I was watching Zuko’s coronation, I was sorta like, “uhh wait that’s a little too easy.” Now we don’t know when that happens so it’s possible some bit of time has lapsed and I’ll take that. But I thought there would have still been some trouble with some of the Fire Nation troops. Some of them would have remained loyal to Ozai. Many of those general had probably committed war crimes and would have needed to be rounded up and put on trial and put in prison. There’d be so much work to do!

That said, I do understand that we want to see our heroes with a happy ending, ultimately. I guess just a simple like “X years later” before the ending scenes would have sufficed for me to be satisfied that enough time had passed for those things to have been dealt with. IDK, I can probably suspend disbelief enough to headcanon that myself. I’m just saying. Some acknowledgement of resolution and reconstruction as a *process over time*, albeit unnecessary, would have been nice to have!

On that note, we don’t actually find out what happens to Azula. Presumably she is also in prison with her father. 

More importantly, we were Robbed of a Zuko and Ursa reunion scene!

#avatar the last airbender #avatar: the last airbender #a:tla #atla #i'm gonna tag my ships now #so you know what to expect before opening the CUT TAG #if you don't like reading posts about ships that you do not support then you should probably not read this #i'm warning you now #if you make the choice to click the read more tag even tho u don't like the ships i'm tagging #well that's on you #katara x aang #zuko x mai #sokka x suki #(the last one is honestly pretty brief and the lesser but warning just in case) #now in this house we support multi shippers and i have nothing against anyone ships other ships #because that would be ridiculous #ship and let ship i say #the tags are here so that people can protect and curate their own fandom experience

[yet-another-saberface]

Fate/ & My Anxiety

Okay, so, I kinda had a rough day today, but that rough day really made me want to write this. I’d been thinking about it for a bit, but now I’m sure that this is something I should put out there, because I’m sure at least someone out there has had a similar experience. And if I write this correctly, it should be an interesting read anyways. (Post now updated with a cut & pretty gifs and things! I tried to keep the gifs more positive to offset some of the more serious parts of what I’m discussing.) So uh... Enjoy I guess? It’s kinda what it says on the tin.

Warning for serious mentions of anxiety and stuff. But I try to keep it lighter than it could be. For anyone else that might have some anxiety problems like me, it might help you to read this, because it’s really just a discussion of some themes I’ve taken away from the series that really helped me with my own anxiety. But whether you read it or not you should probably take a sec to breathe, that never hurts.

So. I’m going to be upfront about this. I have anxiety. Not just a normal amount of stress, but actual, diagnosed anxiety. I am not medicated, but at the moment that’s mostly because my doctors think that trying medication during this whole pandemic situation wouldn’t actually let them know if it would help me in the long term. I’ve been living with anxiety for pretty much my entire life, but I just thought everyone was stressed out, and that life sucked, and that I was bad at dealing with it. But that wasn’t the case.

But one thing is going to ring true for me regardless of what the state of my anxiety is, be it in the moment or over the course of my life. And that’s that like most things, media helped me with it before I even realized what it was. As I sit around in quarantine and try to manage my fluctuating stress levels, I’ve found myself drifting back to the Fate Series, and FGO, after taking a break from them for few months, arguably even the past year.

At this point, it’s been around 3 years, maybe even 4, since I originally discovered Fate. And I’m not going to lie, I didn’t get the best possible first impression, because I started with the Deen anime from 2005. I’d seen Saber before, had no idea who she was other than some chic I vaguely looked like with a good character design and a sword, and saw her on the cover of an anime. So I watched it. I had no idea what the hell was going on, and was trying to piece everything together as I watched, but I watched to the end. And I liked it. It definitely wasn’t my favorite show. But when I heard that it was “the bad one,” and that there was more, I gladly went to go watch it.

And that might not make sense at first, but I’m emitting a huge detail. I was, and still am, a huge mythology nerd. As I was watching the original Stay Night anime, I was fascinated by the portrayals of these characters that, technically, I already knew. And I was really into the idea that there was more of that.

So later that year, I watched Fate/Zero. And I’m gonna be honest, I was too young to really appreciate everything it had to offer, and I’m planning on going back to it soon, but I loved every second of that show. When I got the chance, I binged through it, and it was heavy stuff, but I couldn’t take my eyes away from it.

And after that, I started looking up what else there was. I watched Carnival Phantasm in maybe 2 days tops and adored it. I procrastinate on watching a lot of stuff, because I found myself having less and less time to myself, but that same summer I watched Zero, I also started playing FGO. I started the game for the characters I already knew. I stayed because I found a story I was genuinely invested in on its own, and a community that was really fun to observe, if not be an active part of. I still remember sitting down on a day when I had nothing to do and finishing Okeanos all in one go. Or laying down after a long day at school and doing the same to a ReRun event. It was a great stress outlet, and I was invested.

But the more I look back on all of that, I start to see details that explain even better why I was so invested. I don’t have a single favorite Fate character, but I will admit that I adore Saber. She’s what drew me in, my friends who know Fate apparently think I look like her, and we all know the Excalibur scene from Zero looks like it should be in an actual movie.

I won’t claim to be a character expert, despite being a writer. I didn’t write Saber, let alone any other Fate character. But the more I think about her, the more I start to realize that yeah, I understand a lot of what she’s gone through. Do I know what it’s like to be a King and run a country and what that entails? No obviously not. But I do know what it’s like to feel that you have a duty to everyone around you to not screw things up. I understand how someone could feel extremely guilty when they do eventually screw things up. There’s a lot of ways to look at any character, but I realize now that from the beginning that that specific idea was the lens through which I understood Saber.

And it holds true for most other characters. With Shirou, did I understand losing your parental figure or an undying desire to be a hero? Not really. But I did understand the fact that he felt like he wasn’t good enough, and that he gained value by putting himself on the line for others. I may not have risked my life for another person, but I’ve definitely put myself through mental stress enough to induce multiple panic attacks a day for other people.

And now we get to the part of this... I don’t want to call it an essay. The part of this post. Where I talk about Gil.

Am I aware that in most (early) depictions of him in Fate, he’s a horrible dick of a person who deserves no respect? Yes, I am.

But I also know that when I think about some of the less horrible aspects of him as a character now, there’s stuff in there I should take away that is good. I just went on an whole rant about how I can understand low self esteem and self sacrifice and crushing responsibility and the pressure to not screw it all up. And these days, I can’t stop thinking about how Saber admitted to a lot of that and (this is obviously a gross oversimplification but you should get by now that this is personal and specific) the response from Gil and Rider was “It sounds like you aren’t living life as happily as you could and are setting a bad example of how to live life for those that look up to you.” And that idea keeps coming back to me in every moment when I’m having an anxiety attack, or cram studying even though I know I’m ready, or finishing something due two weeks from now tonight because I won’t have to do it later. And it only hits me harder because I know I’m not a King or anything lofty like that, but I am a labeled “gifted student” and a support person for many of my friends and a designated “responsible one” and all of these other things. And yet I’m preaching for them to do as I say not as I do when it comes to enjoying life and taking care of yourself.

I don’t know if I fully internalized that message when I first watched that scene. But I must have in some capacity because it still haunts me now, reminding me that maybe I shouldn’t be giving into all of this stress. And I’m trying, I really am, to keep that in mind as I fight against all of it and try to keep things under control.

And then there’s Babylonia. When I really get down to it, I have a pretty strong emotional connection to this part of FGO. I joined the game pretty late, roughly right after Camelot’s release, so I had a lot of catching up to do. But I caught up, and I got to experience this story that I’d heard was one of the best in the game as it came out. If I wanted to I could say a LOT more about Babylonia, and maybe I will in the future. 

But I’m not going to deny that CasGil has been a pretty prominent presence in my mind ever since when it comes to stress and responsibility. (Heck I could probably talk about just him specifically for at least a good 5th of what I have so say about Babylonia. Maybe I will someday.) I mean, it’s kind of his thing, you see the fandom joke about it all the time how he’s the Gil that doesn’t sleep because he just keeps on working and working and working. And that’s why there was this one moment when I was watching the Babylonia anime that now stands out to me. When Gil goes with the player out to the observatory, he just leaves. He doesn’t bother apologizing to anyone or explaining his actions, he just goes. And we know, as basically an outsider, that this is him taking a break. He needed a break and so he just took a break without any clarifications or explanations or apologies. Sure he might justify it to the player has needing to do some other work out there, but that actually makes it hit harder for me. Because he’s justifying his breaks as more work.

I used to be lucky enough to have a clear cut line between what was my time and what was other people’s time (that I was giving them out of my time) and what time belonged to school/work. And now all of that has been thrown out the window and I’ve been having to teach myself how to do what I just described.

Take a goddamn break without having to tell everyone else how sorry I am for taking a day to actually rest and breathe and all those other important things. And yet I still have to justify those breaks to myself as time to take care of other things. 90% of the time, those breaks aren’t breaks to me, they’re time to work on my novel instead of my essay, or something like that.

And then I glance down at my phone and I’m hit with most of what I just wrote flooding into my head. And I try to tell myself that no, it’s okay to just take a break. And that I should be allowing myself to enjoy being alive instead of being a slave to expectations and responsibilities. And that as a person I know other people look up to I should be setting a better example of how to take care of yourself. And sometimes it works. Other times there’s more things at play and it doesn’t get through to me the same way, but it’s something that works. All of the hours I’ve spent with those character remind me that what I’m doing isn’t okay on a pretty regular basis at this point. And I’m really glad for that. And I hope that all of this stuff will continue to help me as it’s helping me right now.

At least I know that when I feel like I’m freaking out, I can open FGO and play through a quest and I’ll usually feel better. So I’m just gonna keep trying, keep managing, until I find a place where it’s finally all okay again, as much as it can be.

(P.S: More reasons that CasGil is my grailing target right now? Yeah that’s true but these reasons are deeper than “I got a Merlin look at that” or “Grailing Jalter is useful.” He’s a character that’s genuinely important to me and I think that finally investing in him is going to be really satisfying for me.)

#fgo #fate go #fate/go #fate grand order #fate/grand order #my writing #life update #i guess #serious stuff #if you read this thank you so much #anxiety #i don't know if stuff like this will become regular content #it might i dunno #but if it does it'll be more analysis and less personal #but seriously y'all take a break #breathe #take care of yourself #and if characters help you do that that's great

[gottlem]

“You are very endearing when you are half-asleep.” with lemonjuice !!! pls

hihi !! this is written in the favourite song universe bc i know it lives in ur mind rent free lol. i hope u like more songwriter juice :)) also i accidentally made this kinda long but imo u can never have too much fluffy lemonjuice (also also i havent proof read this and im tired so pls forgive me if its not at 100%)

“You are very endearing when you’re half-asleep”

Juice and Lemon’s relationship bloomed brightly as the months continued to pass. Time flew by so quick they found themselves in the run-up to their one year anniversary in what felt like absolutely no time at all. In Juice’s eyes, not much had changed, not really. They saw each other just as much (every day), and acted almost exactly the same, probably because they had been in love with each other the whole time anyway, the only difference was that now they never quite found a way to keep themselves off of one another. A year ago, they were almost shy with their physical contact, Lemon never being one for too much contact, and Juice wanting to bury her feelings down, only to spill her heart out into notebooks and Instagram posts. But now their hands automatically intertwined, or Lemon’s arm would snake its way around Juice’s waist. They got used to it pretty quickly once they had confessed their feelings.

Juice didn’t feel too much pressure to do anything fancy for their anniversary. It was more than enough to acknowledge it, and simply spend some time with her girlfriend. Gifts weren’t really any of their love languages, both of them opting for quality time and plenty of physical contact - if you asked Juice, she was the reason Lemon was now a hugger. 

And even though they had agreed and no gifts, Juice did have one thing in mind, she just wanted to do it well. She was going to write a song for Lemon. Sure she had already done this, she had been doing this since before they even got together, and Lemon had heard each and every one, but this one was going to be special. She was going to write the love song of all love songs, just for Lemon. She was going to share it nowhere, it would be their own little secret, something they could enjoy in private. She just had to write it.

Turns out, writing the love song of all love songs is kind of exhausting, and also just a bit of a challenge. Juice had had enough practise, she had written countless songs inspired by Lemon, completing most of them in half an hour or less, but this one was going to be special. Most love songs are universalised - just vague enough to be applied to most situations. They include the butterflies and the pining, and at most, maybe an eye colour. But that’s not what Juice wanted. Because Lemon was one in a million. There was not one other person out there for Juice, so why should she write a song that could be about anyone but Lemon? She went as far as to make a little plan on a scrap piece of paper, digging deep into her memories of how many times she had made Juice laugh, and when she first realised she had fallen (hard). It was going to be undoubtedly about Juice and Lemon. Filled with things only they would understand. That's what would make it special. 

Their anniversary was on Saturday, so on Friday, Juice rushed home from school as soon as the bell rang to finish Lemon’s song. Luckily, Lemon had a family thing, so she wouldn’t be joining Juice as she normally would, they were planning to spend all of Saturday together anyway, so a couple hours didn’t matter much. Unfortunately for Juice, it had been a long week. She had been trying to make progress on her song, but essays and assignments kept getting in the way. It was as if her teachers knew she needed some spare time, and decided to completely fuck that up for her. By 6pm, Juice felt herself yawning far too often than she was used to. She had turned her phone off so she didn’t get distracted, deciding that she just wanted to get this song perfected, and then she could turn it back on. 

In hindsight, she should have kept her phone on, because at 6:30pm, her bedroom door creaked open, to reveal Lemon, grinning from ear to ear and as cute as ever, but completely unannounced. She must have been let in, and Juice mustn’t have even heard her knock. She rushed to flip over the many sheets of paper she had lying around her bed, some slightly crumpled, some with circles around phrases, and lines going through others. But it was too late, Lemon would see right through her, knowing she's past the point of hiding her songs from her girlfriend. 

Lemon wore a baggy yellow hoodie (because of course) she had bought after giving her original one to Juice and never getting it back, and a pair of white shorts which were only barely poking out from under the hoodie. She had a backpack slung on one shoulder, which she quickly dropped to the floor before closing the bedroom door. There was just something adorably domestic about Lemon showing up in pyjamas that Juice still hadn’t learned to not silently freak out about.

“Hi, what ‘cha writing?” Lemon sat herself down at the edge of Juice’s bed, picking a piece of paper which, thank God, was almost completely illegible. 

“It’s a secret,” Juice winked, “I thought I wouldn’t see you till tomorrow, what happened to the family thing?” Lemon giggled, shuffling closer to Juice and giving her a quick loving peck on the lips.

“It wasn’t all that important, don’t worry. Besides, I’d rather be here” In lieu of a response, Juice just yawned, exhausted from the week. 

“Am I keeping you up, princess?” Lemon chuckled at the guilt that temporarily flashed through her girlfriend’s eyes, even though Juice knew she could never be mad at her. She knew it had been a long week for Juice, having to put up with constant complaints about how tired she was, so Lemon picked up the papers scattered around the bed, using all of her self control to avoid reading the scribbled lyrics (she had a feeling they were about her, but if Juice wanted it to be a secret then it would stay that way), and picked out some pyjamas for Juice to get changed into. 

Juice barely even noticed Lemon buzzing around her room, instead her eyes were drifting in and out of focus, trying to stay open. She was snapped out of her little trance when Lemon lightly shook her shoulder and quickly kissed her cheek, dropping the pyjamas in front of her. Juice just looked at them, too tired to understand that Lemon had gotten them out for her to change into.

“...Do you want me to close my eyes? I don’t mind, but let’s be honest it's nothing I haven't seen before” Lemon’s voice managed to catch Juice’s attention long enough for her to perk up enough to function again (even if was moving a little slowly).

“Oh! No, you’re fine, I’m just falling asleep. I promise you’re not boring” Juice stood up, fully intending to quickly change and get into bed as soon as possible, but the sudden movement threw her off a little bit, so she found herself standing still for a minute, just until she felt human again. Turns out, she was frozen for a little longer than she thought, because she heard Lemon giggling.

“Oh my god, Juicey, do you need me to help you? Because I will if it means you will go to bed. I’ve never seen you this tired before” Juice, giving in, just nodded her head, which caused Lemon to almost cackle as she started to get Juice into her pyjamas. Juice just rolled her eyes.

When she was finished, Lemon gave Juice a quick kiss at the top of her head. “There you go, shortass”

“Hey! I’m not even that much shorter than you” Juice argued sleepily, her words were dragged out and ever so slightly slurred.

“You are very endearing when you are half asleep. Now let's get you into bed, princess” Juice gave a content hum of agreement.

The bed was warm, and Juice clung onto Lemon like a koala as soon as they got under the covers. It didn’t take long for her to drift off as Lemon brushed her fingers through her hair, but before she fully fell asleep, she made sure to whisper an “I love you, Lemmy”

“I love you too, now go to sleep”

#lemonjuice #i promise ill get to the other prompt soon! #just not tonight bc im tired #lemongivesyoulife #juice boxx

[a-lil-perspective]

I don’t want to be that person—

But I really need to get this off my chest. This is the culmination of two months buildup of thoughts that have been screaming far too loud for me to continue simply taking in stride. I can’t do it. I apologize in advance, for anyone who actually reads this, if this is a deterrent to you about my character or my minuscule space taken up here on Tumblr. Again, I really can no longer remain silent. If it’s any solace:

I tried.

Where to begin. First off—as much as I’d love for this to be an update on the next chapter of Remember Me, it is not. For those of you who’ve kept up with the story, I’m sure you’ve noticed my uploading pattern these past few weeks has been reduced to solely weekends—and barely that, might I add. While I will try to have Chapter 9 up within the next few days, I cannot guarantee when. At this point in time, it’s not a lack of creative streak, it’s a lack of time. I have all these outlines and segments in my head but can’t seem to even catch a breath much less put the story down in my notes or in Word for later edit and upload. But I’m trying. I really am. As I’ve said before: I will finish this story, come hell or high water. But currently being engulfed in the former has been a huge burden.

Per my past psa’s: My health? Two giant thumbs down (nothing to do with COVID-19). Personal aspects? Two giant thumbs down. Both are and have been slowly corroding me. To avoid this post seemingly grabbing for sympathy, I’m going to just stop there with that. But I’m truly suffocating in this corner.

Next point in case: I’m going to be completely candid here. It’s extremely difficult and utterly exhausting to continue posting fics. Mentally and Emotionally. The pressure to post. The pressure to post because if you don’t in a timely manner, you lose your momentum and “fall behind” when you post again. Then you’re right back to square one thereafter because people have grown absent in your absence. It’s exhausting and stressful to spin in that wheel.

It’s difficult when you pour every drop of energy into a work, only for it to sit largely unnoticed on your blog. To stay up literally all night making sure your punctuation is impeccable, re-reading the same fic over and over before you post until your brain explodes and you utterly forsake the fic the minute you hit that post button. To take up space on a post tagging and adding those notes and engaging flares that go unrequited. It’s... well, it’s detrimental. It gets you down. It gets me down. I’m not going to lie about that. We all want validation and I will be the first to shoot my hand up in acknowledgement.

I’m going to stop right there as you’re reading to clarify: This is not a call-out post. This is not a guilt post. This is not me giving an ultimatum. This is not me demanding reblogs. This is not me telling you “your likes don’t matter” (I have literally seen that on posts and it kind of disgusts me. That’s all I’m going to say about that for now).

Reblogs, while unanimously appreciated, are not a priority to me. Comments and feedback and communication are invaluable to me. That’s it. That coveted and intimate interaction between the Writer and the Reader. One is not more important than the other. We’re a team, a unit, a force that balances each other on a broad, diverse scale.

I don’t ask for much—I don’t ask for anything here, actually (unless it’s directed towards the general audience over what y’all would like to see, which largely goes unengaged whenever I bring up). No, I don’t post fics that frequently. No, I don’t crank them out as quick. No, I don’t have that many. Yes, I’m new to fanfic writing. But I work quietly and solely with all my own plots and dialogues and ideas (I love prompts and requests, though). Thus my usually hefty works. Y’all get the whole nine yards. But I don’t feel like I really get to bounce my ideas around to others, which can further exacerbate that sense of isolation for me around here. I put myself through a really long process for every single thing I write because, the quality of my work matters to me. A lot. So I try to take my time to deliver that. And... I guess I just hope you know that or can discern that as you read each time.

Another astronomically exhausting aspect is this platform itself. It’s painfully evident to me, in my four meager months here, that Tumblr is just one big popularity contest. Who can upload the most, the fastest, the most efficiently. Who has the most followers. Who accumulates them the quickest. A place where your “exposure” is literally at the mercy of others. And when people purposely don’t want to aid in that, it spirals into this really toxic mindset causing friction between Writers and other Writers, causing unnecessary strain, avoidance, insecurities, and hinderances to YOUR precious work. And I’m not about that. It’s a no from me.

Also, I’ve just got to interject with this bit: Bad Batch Writers. Bad Batch Writers struggle. In my opinion, from what I’ve seen, it’s like if you aren’t writing for a popular Clone like Wolffe or Fives or Jesse, you don’t get traffic. Which I think is just... kind of corny. Okay. I think it’s really corny and ridiculous. Please know that I’m not saying anything bad about those Clone babies, the people who write them, or anything like that. Please don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m just making a point. Bad Batch does NOT get enough love. And the Writers ultimately suffer because of it. That’s all there.

We’re all supposed to be in this together. Your work—your writing—is neither good nor bad. There’s no such thing. There’s only YOUR writing; your unique, beautiful words that I LOVE more than anything, that only YOU speak. We all speak a different dialect and flow through our storytelling. And it’s a beautiful, wholesome thing. It always has been. It should never be this detrimental stage Tumblr has made for content creators. Let’s be honest: Tumblr is not the ideal place to thrive. And I’m just... sick of it.

I’m beyond an exhausted state. I can’t remember that last time I wasn’t. (I know everyone is, with the ebb and flow of our world’s daily uncertainties during these unprecedented times). But for me, personally, it’s getting increasingly harder to keep up with the reblogs and comments and blogs of all the stories I love, while updating my work and trying to interact on my blog, while battling my health and nonexistent energy, and constantly be exposed to the “Tumblr Tumbles”, as I call it—the overbearing popularity and the waiting and the wondering and the silent seething because of it. It’s just too much. And it doesn’t take a detective to pick up on that attitudinal shift around here. It’s all just one big, pernicious cycle. And seeing that here nearly every day, exhausts me. I don’t know how else to convey as much. But I just can’t do it. And honestly, I get this overwhelming loneliness just being here.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I’m going to continue doing my thing until my engine sputters out. I’m going to keep up with storytelling, because I love it more than anything. I just needed to get this off my chest. I’m just rambling. I might delete this but, I might not. Who knows.

I just... Geez. I need to know that I’m not just shouting into the void over here like always.

Communication to me is key. If you don’t want me to tag you anymore: tell me. If you don’t want me to message you: tell me. Please. Just don’t like me? Cool. Tell me. It’s better to know and communicate than to walk on eggshells around everyone and everything. I’ve applied that flawed strategy throughout my whole life and I strongly dislike doing so. It adds no benefit to either party. Just be honest with yourself and others. That’s always super important.

For those of you, my handful of regulars who are around... you know who you are. Thank you. My thanks is but a meager conveyance of my undying gratitude for you. But I want you to know how much I appreciate your presence here. Words cannot express.

@halzore... You are a real mate. You are an incredible being who is not only insightful but, a true muse here. I look to you as more than just a devoted Reader of mine, and you should know that I would NOT have gotten this far with my Bad Batch Post Order: 66 series—or any of my Bad Batch works, for that matter—without your encouraging words. Holy cow. You’re a dearest friend. Your writing, art, and musical talent leaves me in awe. (A truly brilliant mind, please go love her y’all). Thank you for seeing all the good, little things in me and my work. It makes this all worth it. You make it all worth it. I get really overwhelmed thinking about it. But I just want you to know I appreciate you so much.

To anyone who’s ever left me kind, encouraging, and wonderful comments... I remember them. I do. I think of them when I’m down, and I think of them now as I write this—which is in my dispirited state, ironically. But I appreciate it. I think it is so SO important to lift each other up with words. You don’t have to reblog and all that (only speaking for myself here). Just take a moment to say something kind to someone. It makes someone’s entire day, week, month, year. Please... love other Writers. Love yourself. We all struggle. But let’s do it together. Let’s be there for each other.

Come talk to me. I don’t bite, I promise. Tell me about your day. Tell me something about yourself. I care. I love that interaction, because you are MORE than just a Reader to me. You are a valued human being with feelings, desires, wants, needs... come share that with me. If there’s something you’d like to see in my future works, something that would engage you more; please, come tell me.

I’m going to try and get better. At writing, at navigating this strange place, with my health, with life. I’ve been at my breaking point for so long that my barely held together pieces and exposed, worn chinks are almost uneffected and unresponsive to any help or healing. But I’m going to try.

Thank you for being here. I’m sure it can be hard to have patience with me and my nonexistent uploading schedule, but, I do have several wips in the works (teases in my masterlist in case you’re wondering). They’ll come around. :’)

Keep your head up and shining, lovelies. And I’ll try to do the same.

#psa #lil speaks #I’m... sorry. #I have a ton of anxiety posting this but I’m also almost indifferent. #could I have worked on my WIPS instead of this? #yes #did I? no. #yes this is long but I needed to say all that. #I’m tired. #trying not to explode. #it’s a lil thing