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shesalewa · 6 months

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Wanna know what type of comedy happens in my fanfic of Dad Gun?

Incorrect quotes

Gun: sometimes I wonder how the hell I ended up here.

Daniel: ACHOO!

Gun: bless you DanDan.

Daniel: thanks dad.

Gun: mind if I get excited for a little bit? Have any of you seen a grown man smile? *Smiles very creepily*

Everyone but goo and Daniel: *visibility shocked and sacred*

Gun: every time I show emotions, it disturbs a lot of you.

Eli: which one of you was gonna tell me that Tea tastes different if you put it into hot water?

Olly: you're putting it in... COLD WATER?!

Jake: ELI. ANSWER THE QUESTION ELI.

Eli: yeah? I thought for like 5 years that people just put it into hot water to speed up the TEA-IFFICATION process, didn't realize there was an actual reason.

Olly: YOU DON'T HAVE THE PATIENCE TO BOIL WATER IN THE MICROWAVE FOR 3 MINUTES!?

Johan: WHY. ARE YOU. BOILING IT. IN THE MICROWAVE.

Olly: DO YOU THINK I HAVE THE PATIENCE TO BOIL A CUP OF WATER ON A STOVE!?

Johan: it. takes. LESS. THAN A MINUTE.

Olly: BESTIE IS YOUR STOVETOP POWERED UP BY THE F-CKING SUN?!

Johan: HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE FOR YOU TO BOIL A CUP OF WATER ON A STOVE!?

Olly: LIKE 7 MINUTES!

Samuel: JUST STICK THE MUG ON TOP OF THE STOVE ON MEDIUM HEAT. AND IT BOILS IN LIKE 2 MINUTES, LESS THAN THAT AND YOU USE A SAUCE PAN!

Daniel: *laughing at the drama, somehow he knows how to make tea* YOU'RE PUTTING THE WHOLE MUG ON THE STOVE?! ON MEDIUM HEAT?! ... Your stove is enchanted!

Goo: every single person in this room is a f-cking lunatic.

Gun: DO NONE OF YOU OWN A F-CKING KETTLE?! (Gun an expert Japanese man who loves tea more thsn himself, legit KNOWS how to make tea)

Gun: ... How the hell did I get here.

*the four major crew legit Reeking chaos in his f-cking household*

Daniel: ... I THINK I'm the cause of all this.

Goo: I'm sometimes asked how I'm associated with Gun so often. To the point I just pull out a Marriage certificate, and shut them the hell up.

Olly: hold that sh-t up, you're married to Gun...?

Goo: see what I mean?

Jake: someone told me not to piss off Daniel. What's he gonna do with his short a— kick me in the knee?

Jake: HEY DANNY!

Daniel: oh hey Seonbae what's up-

Jake: *legit pushes Daniel*

Daniel: ...

...

Eli: I'm back- whoa. What the actual f-ck happened here.

Johan: Daniel is beating up Jake, and is kicking his knee and breaking his ankles.

Samuel: what? Why?

Johan: Jake thought Daniel couldn't do sh-t because of Daniel's height.

Olly: Gun would be proud.

Daniel: GUY'S A BOMB IS ON THE TRAIN!

Goo/Jake: OBAMA'S ON THE TRAIN?!

Daniel: NO A BOMB!

Goo: oh good I f-cking hate Obama but I'm not racist or anything.

Jake: I am(joke)

Zack: I'll fight off bad guys and earn money from it! Then I'll become FILTHY RICH HAHAHAH-

Daniel:(you know... It's kind of sad how I'm living most of his life for him...)

Jace: so what's this game about?

Vasco: is about an assistant detective who works as a Gumshoe to help Zack Lee solve a case.

Eli: why Zack Lee?

Vasco: I do not know.

Jace & Daniel: (so it's a fantasy game)

10.

Gun: IM BRINGING. YOU WITH ME. TO GO OUT. SHOPPING. FOR FOOD. *Olly is in trouble but we don't know what trouble*

Olly: I'm not hungry anymore! I have Cupcakes hidden under my bed!*Olly sleeps on the floor in Gun's house, on the floor with Samuel, so where the hell is he hiding his cupcakes.*

11.

Daniel: ALL WOMEN ARE QUEENS!

Olly: IF SHE BREATHES. SHE THOOOOOOO-

12.

Jay: ...(in every family there's the older brother, who has problems but won't talk about it.)

Kitae: hi...!

Jay: ... (The girl who's desperate for a boyfriend)

Joy: HELLO!!! HI!!!

Jay: ... (And the gay Mysterious awkward socially isolated member of the family)

Jay: ... (Oh wait that's me.)

13.

Eugene: STOP LEACHING OFF MY MONEY!

Beakgyeol: (you were broke until I came...)

14.

Samuel: ALL I KNOW IS THAT YOU CAN BE ANNOYING SOMETIMES!!! sigh... I'll be in the dinning room.

Jake: WAIT!

Daniel: (there they go again...)

Johan: I think they broke up... *Whispering*

15.

Gun: which is fine because you're a thief anyways, first peoples limbs and now a stupid video game.

Dg: ...!?

16.

Random woman working as a hotel register: here you go sir. When you leave please return this back to me.

*room number 96*

Johan: huh. It's almost my favorite number.

17.

Goo: so do you have anything?

Jake: if I had I wouldn't be the one calling you! So sadly I legit have no clue on how to help take down the 1st affiliate.

Goo: no. You must have something.

Jake: haah...??????

Goo: and you're taking it to me. *Has a voice recorder out,*

Jake: what are you saying-

"WHAT THE HELL DO YA THINK YA DOING TO MY SAMUEL!"

Jake: ... YOU PROMISED TO DELETE THAT!

Goo: *professional blackmailing b-tch*

18.

Crystal: DG! Look at this mess! No wonder you haven't gotten any work done! This place is like a pigs Isle!

19.

Gun: that was some good coffee baby! I'd get another but I'm too damn lazy.

20.

Daniel: I'm going to search what Slay means.

Daniel: *saw the meaning of slay* WUHA, I PROMISE YOU ALL I DO NOT SLAY.

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wetratheadcanons · 1 year

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some battinson headcanons cause i still think about him almost a year later but 60% is actually just me projecting onto him

is autistic (obviously), but also has adhd

he also deals with intrusive thoughts, it's why his no-kill-policy is so important to him

loves video games, obscure internet lore and horror - especially analog horror and found footage

his favourite games are project deepweb, he solved it in just a little under 2 hours, and vampyr, he always plays the pacifist run despite it being harder

has a whole wall dedicated to the five nights at freddy's lore, scott cawthorne might be his biggest enemy

absolute animal magnet despite being kinda terrified of all of them

can't go anywhere that has animals because they're immediately flocking to him

the whole "introvert at a party finds the dog" - situation but instead the dog finds bruce and refuses to leave

ace was the first animal bruce wasn't ever really scared of, alfred thinks he may have been trained to be a psychiatric service dog prior to his adoption

wherever bruce is in the tower, ace isn't far away, his presence calms bruce

prefers loud music, he doesn't like being alone in his head too much and the noise helps him

apart from nirvana and my chemical romance, his favourite bands are ghost and ice nine kills because he likes their consistent themes

selina gifted him a pair of pink cat-ear headphones once and they're the only pair he ever wears at home

he claims it's just because they're comfortable but everyone knows it's because he loves them

eats when he's hungry but rarely at specific times, it doesn't make sense to him

he can't really eat after waking up

doesn't eat meat, he feels like it lies too heavy in his stomach

he also doesn't like the smell of cooked meats or fish

he loves sour fruits and has a mild sweet tooth

has a caffeine addiction but he doesn't like the taste of coffee, prefers black and green tea (to alfred's delight) and energy drinks (to alfred's horror)

he's trans ftm who is either gay or bi with a preference for men (he doesn't know and doesn't care to find out)

selina and him never went further than their kiss, bruce will always put gotham before anything else (until dick comes along) and selina needs a freedom that he can't give her

they also both realised it was a spur of the moment thing since they barely knew each other at that time and found they're better off friends

they're co-parenting a kitten though it's adorable really

bruce found her half dead on patrol one night and called selina in a panic about what to do, they named her chewy

ace loves chewy, she sleeps on his head, bruce has an entire folder on his phone dedicated to pictures of them

had a robin hood phase when he was 6, tried to steal from his parents to give to people in need

alfred continually reminds him of this after he takes in dick

his favourite rogue is ivy, they have important conversations (as in ivy talks and bruce hngs) about climate change while bruce tries to stop her from murder

he implements policies build after her ideals into wayne enterprise

his respect for her rises after she gets together with harley

for all that he fights it, he can't sleep without the sound of gotham - which includes gotham typical crime

he thrives when he's alone, it's how he does his best work, be it batman or wayne enterprise

has trouble admitting defeat, dick joining him as robin helped him in that department a great deal

is pierced. he did almost all of them himself, alfred has a heart attack everytime he spots a new one

the public has a weird badboy image of him, bruce has no idea where it came from

doesn't bruise easily but is still constantly in pain

has an absolute shit posture, social anxiety and crime fighting don't help

sleeps in the worst positions humanly possible

has a weird thing about mirrors, avoids them as much as he can

doesn't give interviews ever, it's part being a social recluse, part everything the press did to his parents, part hating to be perceived

has troubles with empathy, but his compassion makes up for it in great detail

dick uses him as a jungle gym, he pretends to be annoyed but secretly loves it

when bruce is working on cases in the cave, dick hangs head down off of bruce's back with his legs over bruce's shoulders

dick claims it helps him think, bruce knows it's because he doesn't want to be alone

bruce loves the relationship dick and selina have, might be a little jealous that cat got through to the boy much faster than him though

after taking in dick, bruce makes sure to show alfred that he actually does see him as a father figure - regrets all the times he told him that alfred's not his father

that's all i have for now

#the batman #bruce wayne #battinson #bruce wayne headcanon #headcanons #platonic batcat #dick grayson #batman #dc comics #catwoman #the batman 2022 #alfred pennyworth #selina kyle #battinson headcanons

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ask-souls-and-memories · 2 days

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Soultale PATH CHOICE

Laria: I-I would like to explore the Ruins!

Cetas:smiling alright my child, I will show you the Ruins and how to solve the puzzles should I not be there to help you..Oh i almost forgot, here! Take this!

Cetas hands Laria a phone. Laria takes it an examines it

Corru: It's a phone! It…looks old though

Anima: Hey wait a second…That's my phone! Laria, when you have the chance, call San-…er, Soul. Call Soul

Laria nods and then looks up at Cetas, smiling

Laria: T-thank you mom

Cetas, nodding: Of course my child. If you want to do anything before we leave, you may do it.

Laria nods and hops off of the chair, thinking of what to do, but can't find anything so they walk towards the door and waits by it. Cetas smiles and walks over, patting their head

Cetas: I will be right back my child. I just have to grab something from my room.

Corru: Quick! While she is gone, text Soul!

Cetas walks off and Laria hesitates but opens the phone once Anima tells them the password

Laria, under breath: What do I text him…?

Anima: uh, I didn't think of that-

Corru: Oh! I know what to do! Tell that smiley trashbag that your are the new fallen human and can talk to us! That'll get his attention!

Anima: I…it'll probably work, but also tell him you're exploring the RUINS…I think the door might still be open..

Laria nods and clicks on Soul's contact, texting him, and the puts the phone away once Cetas walks back, holding a bag filled with water bottles and snacks in case they get hungry. Cetas smiles

Cetas: Let us go my child, there is so much I wish to show you!

Laria nods and Cetas opens the door. Laria walks out and then Cetas does, closing the door behind them. Cetas hums

Cetas: We will go back to the start of the RUINS, and then work our way back up, okay my child?

Laria, nodding: Okay mom

Cetas smiles and leads her back to the entrance of the ruins, back where she first found Laria

Cetas: Now then, my child, there are multiple paths to the ruins, so which one would you like to explore first? We can go straight, which is the main path. We can go left, which is the home area of the ruins, or we could go right, which is the path we took before. The right and left paths are the only ones without traps or puzzles.

Laria nods and thinks about it, and then feels the phone buzz in her pocket. Cetas then remembers something and frowns

Cetas: Oh dear…I forgot something. My child, I hope you can fend for yourself, while I take care of this errand. I will be back soon, I promise!

Laria, nodding: O-okay!

Cetas nods and runs off towards the left path. Laria takes out the phone and looks at it

Laria: Sans? Soul? Either way, he texted back

Corru: What did he say? Come on, tell us!

Laria: He, uh, he asked where we are? Should I tell him?

Anima: I trust him, and I know he'll trust you! So, go ahead, do it!

Laria nods and texts Soul. Not even 5 seconds later, a dragon skeleton monster appears, causing Laria to squeak in shock and fall down, shaking. The skeleton, Soul, sees this and sweatdrops, kneeling down infront of them

Soul: Ah geez, eye didn't meant to scare yew kiddo! I'm Soul, I'm sure the kiddos told you about me?

Laria, shaky: A-alittle bit..

Soul: aw, don't look so rattled, I won't hurt ya! Besides, the monsters in the underground like humans, so ewe got nothing to worry about!

Laria nods and Soul helps them up, setting them up on their feet

Soul: So, you can see and hear the kiddos?

Laria, nodding: mhm

Soul: huh, well you don't have any LV, so that means your innocent. So, where did Cet go?

Laria, blinking: Cet?

Soul: Cetas, the goat lady.

Laria: oh, she had an errand to run and told me to explore.

Soul: huh…well then kiddo, what were the options?

Laria: The right path, the straight path, and the left path

Soul: well, what do you wanna do?

Laria shrugs and the skeleton thinks, going to make the decison

#my au #undertale #undertale au #ut au #soultale #soultale laria #soultale cetas #soultale soul #soultale anima #soultale corru #soultale toriel #soultale sans #soultale chara #soultale frisk

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judjira · 8 months

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Oooh im loving the initial thoughts for the scooby doo au! Basically we're getting double the gang lol. Please tell us more 🥺

GUYS THIS WAS JUST A STUPID IDEA BUT ok

first of all they are mystery incorporated and they all go out and investigate hauntings and ghosts. there is a van and it is cute bc it is overcrowded as hell bc there r 9 of them n a dog (im still contemplating what the dog is there for,,,or what the dog is named)

nayeon - nayeon just seems like a lot to deal with when they're out on cases,,,always messing around, flirting, not actually focusing on solving the cases, but gosh if she doesn't have the loudest shrieks when there's a loud noise. and then when the case is solved, she's the one who tells the reporters ALL about what they did, as if she solved it singlehandedly. ofc the others don't mind, i don't really think they like handling the media, and they lov nayeon too so like go ahead girl

jeongyeon - now i wouldn't call jeong a stoner in this au,,,but yeah pretty much, always chilling out in the back of the van, eating some sandwich or playing with said dog, i feel like jeongyeon's just coming along for the vibes, plus she likes scary things but all they ever find is old men hiding behind ghost masks so like whatever man. whenever something scary happens, she's more likely to just laugh and point at how stupid it looks

momo - mom #1 of the group, always makes sure the gang has all their gear, their extra clothes, their water bottles, their necessities, and even extra snacks just in case anyone gets hungry. i feel like momo would be always in the lead in one of those creepy hallways that the gang has to go through, and everyone's hiding behind her even though she too is equally scared and her knees are wobbling but she doesn't want any of them to get hurt so she stays strong <3

sana - i feel like sana LIKES being scared she's always yelling or screaming at the most mundane of things that aren't even related to the case, and when they're out investigating she's clinging onto someone so DAMN hard it's cutting off blood flow,,,but i also feel like she's the one who would actually bust out taekwondo moves if someone were to actually attack them, next thing u know she's arrested for aggravated assault on an old man wearing a ghost costume

jihyo - mom #2 of the group and probably the driver of the van, too. jihyo's probably the one who whips the rest of the group into shape by splitting up the gang to investigate multiple areas and report their findings, she's probably one of the only ones who takes this shit seriously tbh, but she does love the other members, it's just they have a knack for fooling around more than anything

mina - nerd #1, mina's probably the one who actually solves the case by doing some science-y thing or deduction (read: basic context clues and common sense bc no one else has them) mina probably has the map out when they're driving and attempting to help jihyo navigate where the actual hell they're going, while she's also trying to calm the other members who are scared

dahyun - ok hear me out i know theres no one like this in the actual scooby doo BUT i imagine dahyun as like,,,the girl in the chair??? like she's in the van, watching all the cameras, hacking all the security, talking to the others through a headset, and just watching the chaos unfold, ALSO she is deathly afraid of ghosts which is part of why she stays in the van bc she doesnt want to risk seeing an actual ghost

chaeyoung - probably the brain dead adrenaline junkie who chases after the damn ghosts, with not a lick of common sense in her HAHA she's always falling through pits, tripping on traps, and generally just being a reckless woman who wants to see if ghosts are real or not, probably also shit talks ghosts just to provoke a reaction out of them bc she's like 100% certain ghosts aren't real

tzuyu - nerd #2, tzuyu's probably the one talking some actual common sense into everyone and is probably the most rational thinker in the group, like there are no such things as ghosts, and whatever they're investigating probably has a logical explanation to it, also probably the one deducing who exactly the person behind a case is, listing out their motives and methods

ok now that ive written all this i kinda wanna write a fic where they investigate a case that has an ACTUAL ghost behind it that sounds like fun

#guys why r u enabling my adhd come on i wanna finish my wips #scooby doo au

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not-eating-till-i-pass · 10 months

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Romanticized mental illness and addiction

(this is me coping with severe, chronic, treatment resistant mental illness. Not me promoting or actually romanticsing anything. Romanticsing things for myself makes life more bearable rn. Please dont take any of these as reasons you should 🌟ve yourself, most aren't realistic and im clincally delusional /gen),

Mild f@tph0bic rhetoric directed at myself only

kind of venty, ED fantasy

My Design

[Inspired by "I go hungry" by mothermother]

In my design

I'll be the small, easily passing emo boy that looks good in all clothes and aesthetic in large band t-shirts and dark makeup and skinny jeans

In my design

I'll never have to worry about binding again, I'll be so small and boney these fat lumps on my chest will shrink and shrink and shrink until their gone. I'll always pass, my bones will jut out and look so masculine and boyish, from my bones to my jaw to my hips

In my design

I'll be the boy who you see live off black coffee and ultra monster and hot chips, I'll look more beautiful with my nicotine and sunken eyes instead of just sad. I'll be the pretty boy you see alone at the park or corner of the cemetery with a cigarette and far off stare and not the sad fat addict

In my design

I will be dark, scary looking but sweet. I'll uplift others bodies, never let anyone know my diet ""advice"" "what do you mean? I just look like this normally, every size is gorg you don't need to look like me!" I'll never let anyone go through the pain did. I'll make sure people who look like I do now feel beautiful and never shamed by my new size

In my design

I'll meditate, every day. On top of being my dark brooding self, with how little time i spend eating, ill have more time to improve my witchcraft. Become good enough to help my friends with spells, protect my house and mind so I can stop feeling as awful, recconnect with mother earth and my ancestors. Without food as a distraction i can be more spiritual and better at it

In my design

I'll read more, clean more, be a more productive person and really focus in on my self care and care for others.

In my design

My friends and family will always come first, I'll be a good selfless person, a perfect person. I'll ask how everyone's doing and if there's any problems I can help solve, I'll be attentive to everyone's needs and wants, I'll listen intently every time they speak and respond with love, I'll bake sweets for everyone every chance I get, send them to my friends far away in little perfectly wrapped care packages, save some for mt family, only have 1 for myself.

In my design

I'll be creative and smart again, throw myself into art and writing and books and documentaries again.

In my design. I'll be perfect. I'll be small to look dark and pretty in emo clothes and take up less space. Take up less resources like food that my family needs more then me. I'll pass I'll be boney and masculine. My issues and problems will all become aesthetic quirks because of skinny and pretty privilege. I'll look dark and scary and sick. I'll be kind, and compassionate and never let my ED warp my views of other beautiful people. I'll be a more skilled witch and pagan. I'll be a more productive person in general. I'll be the perfect brother, son, boyfriend, friend. I'll make sure everyone eats before me, never let my hanger show, I'll be sweet and good and selfless. I'll have more time for my old hobbies and art

I will be perfect.

#random ed shit #vents

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daehee · 1 year

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Chapter 7

Bitch Is Emotional

The next morning I woke up groggy from staying up so late. I went to the kitchen to get some water and maybe a small something for breakfast since I wasn't that hungry.

"Hey, how you holding up?" Yunjin asks as she makes her way into the kitchen.

"I'm good actually. I didn't drink so I'm good."

"Yeah, how are you and Keita?"

"I'm not really sure. We had a heart to heart last night, but I don't know if he'll remember any of it. He was pretty drunk."

"Oh, well... I wish you the best of lucky. That makeout session looked a little... heated."

"Pfft, yeah maybe it was."

"Welp, I'm gonna go get ready for class. We have a big day in dance today. It's evaluations. We get to see who gets what for performances. Aren't you and Keita doing music too?"

"Yeah, we both started singing when our dance teacher recommended it since we both wanna be idols."

"Nice, I'm sure y'all will get really good parts for performance then."

"Well... I hope."

I went back to my room, slipping on my uniform for the day... until dance class, and put on a little bit of makeup. I brushed my teeth and was ready to go.

"Yunjin-ahh! Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah, let's go."

Yunjin followed me out of the dorms and we headed to the classroom part of the school. We headed to class, letting the day drag on. We finally made it to dance class and I felt like I woke up. Keita was talking to Eric, joking and laughing. I could tell Yunjin was watching me, seeing if I'd go up to him, but I didn't know if I should. I had already changed so I started stretching, and going through the motions of my dance to remind myself.

"Hey!" Keita said, poking my back multiple times.

"Hi." I said, continuing what I was doing, not really paying attention.

"No hug?" He asked, eyes wide and puppy like.

"Didn't realize we had to hug every time we saw each other."

"Well yikes... someone slept in the freezer. Why're you so cold?"

"How drunk were you last night?"

"Pretty drunk... shit did I do something?"

"Oh nothing much, just wondering if our relationship is really based on love or lies."

"L-lies?"

"Yeah apparently we've been lying to each other all these years, but it's whatever. We solved it, you called me your everything, but I'm struggling to wrap my head around the fact that it's my fault you didn't confess because I lied, yet you lied too. But whatever Keita, forget I said anything."

Keita's eyes turned sad and his lips formed a small pout. He grabbed my shoulders and turned me around.

"Did I really upset you by not telling you? I didn't think it'd be that big of a deal since you don't like me anymore."

"Right... you were drunk, you don't remember my confession."

"Confession?"

"I'm not over you Keita and I have no fucking clue how you feel because you wont fucking be honest. Yet here you are telling me to be completely honest with you and tell you all my shit. You should try it, maybe we could actually get somewhere."

"Hey whoa... calm down. I don't know where all this is even coming from, you didn't used to be like this. What happened?"

"Like what Keita?"

"Emotional."

"You did not just call me fucking emotional... I'm like this because of you Keita, all fucking you." I turned around and stormed to the other side of the room where Yunjin was silently practicing her part.

"God I fucking hate him."

"Oh well... hello. What'd he do."

"Ugh I don't wanna talk about it."

"Ok... welp, don't let it mess with your head during evaluations."

"I wont... I just... cant believe he called me emotional."

"He called you emotional? In a bad way?"

"Yeah, he said 'You didn't used to be like this, what happened?' I figured he of all people would understand that you don't fucking say that."

"Damn, I thought lover boy was better than that."

"So did I..."

Class went on, evaluations went well. It was the end of the day so I headed back to the dorm with Yunjin. I was exhausted and aggravated. I didn't want to deal with anyone so I went straight to my room and laid down. I was thinking about the fight between me and Keita and before I realized it... tears were flowing from the side of my eyes, down my temples, and onto my pillow. Instead of trying not to cry, I let go. I flipped over, burying my face into my pillow, sobbing loudly. Apparently Yunjin heard me and knocked on my door.

"Hana, I hear you crying, I'm coming in whether you like it or not." Not even a second later, the door opened and shut. I felt my bed dip and the comforting hands of Yunjin running over my back.

"Heyyy, you're gonna be okay. If he makes you cry like this he isn't worth it sweetie."

"I know... but I cant let him go, he's my best friend. He's been with me my whole life."

"I get that sweetie... but you gotta put your mental and emotional state first. Try staying away from him for a little bit and see if it makes you feel better m'kay?"

"O-okay, I will."

"Do you want me to stay here?"

"Yes, if you don't mind."

"Of course." Yunjin laid down next to me, wrapping her arms around my waist and pulling me closer. She pushed my head to rest on her chest and she soothingly ran her hands over my back. I felt her calm breathing and it began to calm me down too.

"You ok?"

"Yeah, I'm better." Yunjin stayed with me for the rest of the night. We cuddled together peacefully, enjoying each others heat and comfort.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The intro post for this story has all the chapters listed.

#terazono keita #boys planet #kpop fanfic #kpopidol #angst #ciipher #kpop bg #high school #childhood sweethearts #friends to lovers #best friends #love #relationships #fwb #fwb fic #fwb problems

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mueritos · 2 years

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Hello! I am a trans-lad(I find it funkier to say that than young transman) that will be getting onto T within the proceeding months. If you're willing what were the first few changes you experienced and how long would you say did it take for those changes to happen? Thank you in advance sir!

hai hai!! sure :,) if u look thru my #trans stuff tag you'll find some more info, but ill elaborate a bit here. I want to disclaim that not everyone experiences changes at the same rate or the same changes, your puberty is very much going to be defined by your genetics (i think by looking at the men on your mom's side you'll know how changes may present) and the method of applying your testosterone. It's now proven that any method (as long as youre consistent) will get you results, so don't worry about being on gel, patches, or the implant.

As for my changes, the first things I noticed were 1. bottom growth/libido hit me immediately; 2. pee and body odor; 3. appetite; 4. general puberty stuff

1. Bottom growth and libido hit me TWO days after my first shot, because after those two days my period hit me and my periods historically make me very hormonal, so the added injection of testosterone was kind of insane I will not lie 😭 I LITERALLY felt like I was in heat, and I could not sit in chairs properly for a month or two while bottom growth settled. Literally could not wear skinny jeans and I was in some discomfort and some stinging pain from it growing.

2. I was regularly working out during my first 6 months on T, and forgetting deodorant ONE workout made it clear to me I could never do that again. The smell is very apparent, and its easy to manage once you figure it out. Showering regularly, changing your clothes often, doing laundry, and wearing deodorant will help. The piss smell was hilarious when I noticed it, like 2-3 months in I just finished peeing and took a whiff and thought "yea a man sure dropped that one" LOL

3. Appetite change is real, and its more apparent when youre active. I worked out regularly pre-t and my hunger could be defined as just actually finishing my plate. Then, I was eating my food and picking at my friends' meals/finishing them off. An hour later, I was hungry again, and this still rings true for me now.

4. General puberty stuff, and I mean voice, acne, fat redistribution, no more period, mood swings. These and more will happen throughout the first year, and they will not settle until that first year is over, and may not settle until months or years later. Acne was pretty bad for me, but that's because bad acne runs on my dads side :/ My voice began dropping 4 months in, and did not finish dropping until about 8 months in. Mood swings lasted until my period ended, my emotions have dulled out a lot, and the times I have gotten angry were mostly due to me not managing my emotions and self (but I also take less shit now).

And thats the gist of it! Remember that there's a lot of sneakier changes that people dont talk about much on T, like high hemoglobin levels, vaginal atrophy and dryness (easily solved with water based lubricant, or, better, estrogen cream applied to the area), and even your ORGASM can change!! People report that one about the say their O feels more localized and shorter, compared to pre-t O's that are full body and longer. And again, every change differs from person to person. Feel free to send more q's or pm me if u want more details!

#muertoresponds #trans stuff #hrt

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river-bottom-nightmare · 3 years

Note

I feel like you might be the only person that understands my love for "Dark But Not Dark At All Dick Grayson". Allow me to explain. I don't want Dick to be a villain. I don't want him to be an antihero like Jason. But what I need in my life is him toeing that line. Cuz all the batfam does, right? But that gets lost in fan works! And recently, lost in comics too. I want Dick Grayson absolutely beating the shit out of people. Within an inch of their lives. A lot of times when showing off the bad assness of characters people will say "they know 200 hundred ways to kill a person" or whatever. But what's even more dangerous than that, is knowing how NOT to kill a person. Knowing juuuuuust when to stop to keep them alive. Knowing the right bones to break, the right veins to cut, the best ways to cause agony without letting them die

Anyways, I'm horny for dangerous Dick Grayson and you're the only writer I've seen feed our hungry souls with exactly that

god i identify with every single line of this babe it’s like you’re reading my mind.

i should clarify first. i don’t necessarily think he does these things out of anger (most of the time). i like that dick is one of the few dc characters that isn’t motivated by anger. instead he’s motivated by love and protectiveness.

but everyone knows that love and protectiveness are motivators a thousand times more powerful than hate or anger. and that is the borderline-dark dick grayson that i adore.

he’s been established very early on as, not a genius, but someone who’s clever, analytical, and creative. when it comes to cases to solve and battle plans to make, he has not only the natural talent but also the practice. he’s one of the most experienced and lethal combatants out there. cassandra cain has to work to beat him in a fight, and she’s motherfucking cassandra. cain. forget beating her cause you usually can’t, but if you can come close to keeping up with her, then i am automatically t e r r i f i e d of your power and strength. and i feel like we don’t talk about how important experience is. he has experience fighting someone, has experience in playing someone like a fiddle, has experience bringing them to the edge of death and then pulling them back.

and it’s kinda like the marvel discussion with spidey. if you have the skills and ability to murder, permanently maim/injure, and terrify the living daylights out of someone, sure, you’re badass. but even more badass, even more deserving of awe and respect, is if you can do all that easily, but you choose not to.

you can complete your job. you can be a successful and frightening vigilante. but you have the self control and internal moral code to not go to far.

and the few times he does go that far, like the time he beat the joker to death, it’s out of love and protectiveness for his family. he was protecting tim and grieving over jason. his most brutal and awe-some moments in canon were usually done out of love for his friends and his family.

i feel like that’s a much more interesting and complex character than ahhhh-anger-rage-murder-bloodthirst-i’m so mad inside-fuck all of you imma shoot you in the head. (jason. looking at you. black canary got dipped in the laz pit and after a few weeks of crazed rage she was fine.)

ANYWAY YEA. it’s either that or i’m just really like bamf!dick grayson and will find any excuse to write him. could go either way honestly. but thank you thank you thank you, i’m so glad you like this stuff, because god knows i hyperfixate on it wayyyy too much.

#when will these dumbass character metas sTOP #i sound like such a SIMP oh my GOD #dick grayson #nightwing #dc

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omegangrins · 4 years

Text

Chibnall, Children, Choice and Consequence

Allow me to introduce a companion piece to A Treatise on the Doctor:

It's pretty simple:

Chibnall knows what he's doing and is playing a long game to show how the Doctor needs to take more responsibility.

Let me start off with my favorite examples. That's right, plural.

Every single villain 13 faces is never defeated, merely pushed away from causing them any immediate problems. Tim Shaw being the prime example.

1&10. Seriously, Tim Shaw. Her plan was to use his own bombs on him and then teleport him off the planet. Even without Ranskoor Av Kolos, the Doctor should have thought to check in on him. Especially after The Ghost Monument showed the Stenza were a greater threat than she knew. She still hasn't even checked up on WHAT THE HELL THE STENZA ARE! They sound worse than Daleks but naw, let's go rain-bathing in the upper tropics of Canstano instead.

2. Ghost Monument. We saw the END of an interuniversal race. What the fuck is the beginning that got them there? Who is Illyn and how and why did he orchestrate a super race?

3. Krasko. Sent back in time. Really, Doc? Not gonna take a look at the device and see where Ryan sent the prick so you can double check that he's not gonna cause anymore damage?

4. President Trump analog. Ooooo, you looked at him menacingly, Doc, that'll show him!! Not like he's gonna KEEP DOING ILLEGAL SHIT LIKE THIS.

5. The Pting. She literally shunted it off ship to be dealt with by someone else BUT DOESN'T GO BACK TO BE THAT SOMEONE ELSE ONCE SHE HAS HER TARDIS. That's like leaving a living nuke floating around after sweeping it under the rug while you fly off to Paris.

6. The Pakistani-Indian conflict still happens and millions still die. Not her fault but still....

7. Kerblam. Sure, Charlie's terrorism was solved but not the underlying problem that led to it. Humans still can't work because corporations like profits over people.

8. Similar to the Punjab, how you gonna solve sexism, classism and all the -isms?

9. WHY WAS THE SOLITRACT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE??!! It's been around since before the universe. Why'd it decide to come back now? It's a whole universe trying to hug our universe to death. Maaaaaaybe we should check out why.

11. She's gets a pass on the Dalek. Fucking impossible to eradicate them.

12. The Master!!! Finally she checks up on something after the adventures... and it's horrible. With everything gone to shit in her absence. Seeing a pattern yet?

And Barton? And the Cassaven? They didn't disappear into smoke.

13. Multiple Earths being multiply fucked. Remember when I said the Doctor couldn't solve racism, classism, sexism, or any of the other -isms? Starting to look like she needs to TRY.

14. The Skithra FLY OFF after getting hit by a laser beam. That kind of thing tends to piss people off. Even if they're idiots using other's technology.

15. Jack. The Judoon. The Ruth Doctor. All things I'd start checking out if I had a time machine BUT

16. WE CAN'T cause the TARDIS emergency alert is going off and we need to hurry up and run and solve this problem before we run out of time in our TIME AND SPACE MACHINE. Leading to another problem the Doctor could help solve but won't. Plastic and over-consumption.

17. Oh yeah, let's trap two Eternals from another universe in the same place. There's NO WAY that could ever turn out bad.

18,19,20. And again. Cyberium. Pushed off Shelley onto herself and onto Ashad and onto The Master.

That's almost 20 "enemies" the Doctor still needs to deal with.

Oh, not to mention that they let UNIT go defunct because they didn't have the forethought to ask if they needed any money in their alien fighting budget. After asking for an office, a desk, and a job. Kinda funny that way, aren't they?

I hope by now you've gotten the idea that this is VERY deliberate. This is Chibnall laying down some very heavy pipe to smack the Doctor like a clothesline. There isn't a one of these situations that can't come around to bite her in the ass.

Barton, Roberts, Skithra. These are all very loose strands for a time traveller like the Doctor to get tripped up on. Chibnall's past episodes prove it. They're all about the Doctor learning how to take responsibility.

42: The Doctor almost gets Martha killed and almost gets himself killed trying to fix it.

The Hungry Earth: The Doctor (a thousand year old "adult") tells Elliot (a 10 year old kid) that "Sure it's totally fine to go get your headphones while we prepare for an approaching unknown alien force." And 11 rightfully gets his ass chewed for it by the child's mother when the kid goes missing because OF COURSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS, JACKASS!

Cold Blood: I could write an entire essay about the Doctor's guilt over the Silurian/Human conflicts they've witnessed, but I don't need to. Because every single Silurian centered episode written in the new era is from Chris Chibnall. And you can feel the sad knowledge of Classic Who spill through. He KNOWS how many times the Doctor has fucked up with the Silurians (about 8 times in television format. And it's rough everytime. Rough.) and he writes those episodes like an apology on behalf of the whole human race. And the Doctor. You know why people are put off by Warriors of the Deep? 5 releases a gas that melts the Silurians. And though it's cheesy, the idea and execution is still horrible.

Add to that if the Doctor hadn't stopped to check the crack, then Rory wouldn't have waited and been around to be shot then absorbed by the time crack.

Power of Three: An entire episode about how the Doctor has a problem slowing down and really taking account of the lives of their companions.

Dinosaurs on a Spaceship: The Doctor actually tries to be responsible and pick the right people for a job. For once. But gets angry when they realize it's too late and there's another bunch of Silurians they failed to save. Classic!

Like I said, if you can't see the pattern, you're not paying enough attention to your responsibilites.

Which leads me to the why.

When you fly around time and space for thousands of years, you develop a few duties of care along the way. In every situation, you're the oldest. Technically the only adult in terms of experience. You have a responsibility to act a little less rude and be a bit more aware than needing cue cards to tell you that you should be sad about things around you. And that's the purpose of 13. She's unlucky but learning. Like 12 telling himself something with his face he couldn't say out loud, 13's instincts are leading her to a new place for the Doctor: being a caring, responsible person. Not so much laughing hard or running fast, but being kind. It's the one thing they recognized as a problem in themselves when seeing 1. Being a Doctor is about being kinder than that. Just because you HAVE to saw someone's leg off, that doesn't mean you can't wait a little and comfort them before you do it.

You wanna know what gave me every faith in Chibnall showrunning Doctor Who? 13 staying for Grace's funeral.

Do you understand how unprecedented that is? This is the same person who never said Goodbye to Jo Grant as she got married and fucked off into the night. The same Doctor who said, "I don't do domestic.", did it with Rose a regeneration later, and then closed himself off to everyone but a married couple he felt guilty about who ended up birthing his wife. Have you any idea the number of funerals the Doctor should have the common decency to sit through? This many.

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So for 13 to stay around for the death of a woman she has only just met and not only that, BUT call out Ryan's father for not doing the same, it shows tremendous character growth. It's taken millennia but they're still changing.

Something similar happens with Rosa and The Witchfinders. Realizing that there a lot of companions who have been in situations that are sometimes worse than aliens, but they still manage to make it through. So she needs to buck it up and persevere for everyone else.

That's where her anger comes from, and really it's one of my favorite traits on her. It reminds me of 7. Someone impossibly old and impossibly kind saying to hell with it and at least having some fun with the evils who drag us through the universe. And just like Cartmel planned for 7, 13's past will come to haunt her.

That's where children come in. Most of us are crying babies to the Doctor.

There's this thing you notice most in British shows about answering the question directly as asked. Someone says "Are you sure?", you answer "Sure". That's a direct acknowledgement that you heard the question, understood it, and processed it enough to respond in a manner directly correlating to the question asked. Yas and Graham got it and said "Sure" but Ryan missed it and said "Deffo". This is like Elliot with the headphones. The Doctor should have immediately been like, "Okay, Ryan, it's obvious that you're still dealing with the trauma of your grandmother's death and probably not processing things on a logical level. I said "Are you sure?" Not "Are you deffo?" Because we are most definitely not deffo, Ryan. Graham, you wanna help here?"

I'm being sarcastic for points sake but you understand the idea. The Doctor knows better and has a responsibility as such. She should've really sat down with Ryan and Graham and seen if there was a better way to process their grief.

Because I'm fairly certain that "Deffo" is gonna lead to Ryan's death and Graham's cancer resurging as time cancer (I don't know what time cancer is. I just know it's bad.)

And that is gonna piss Yas off. Which will give you all that character you think she's missing (she isn't. Her character is in her subtleties and silences.). That's WHY her character is a police officer (like how does no else see that the man who wrote Broadchurch wrote an inspector character companion?) Imagine you're Yaz and you see the Doctor flying around in a big, magic box that says POLICE. As a fellow officer, you're gonna expect some basic safety protocols.

Like do a background check on everyone flying in the TARDIS to know whether they're stable enough (mentally, physically, emotionally) for time and space travel. It's no picnic. These people are going to go through hell. A little vetting and planning like Time Heist or Dinosaurs on a Spaceship goes a long way.

Secondly, full fucking disclosure.

"Oh. I can't die because I change my body. Oh. I have arch enemies that will try to kill and torture us any chance they get. Oh. My home planet is full of the biggest assholes in the universe and I'm including my arch enemies."

Third, police like to do this thing called "check-ups" where they go back to the scene of the crime in order to see if there is any more information that can be gleaned which you might not notice when you are busy running around trying not to be killed... Like, the Doctor has the perfect machine to do this with, but nope. Adventure done, run to the next place!!

These are all things you'd expect any reasonable person to do and say when taking others flying off into time and space and "helping". Even if they are an idiot passing through and learning. Especially when you consider the Doctor is vastly older and more experienced than everyone they encounter. They SHOULD know better. And they've got the lifespan to slow down. It's not like they need to be in a hurry because they're going to die at any moment like humans. The Doctor could easily stay for tea and it would be less than a drop in their lifespan.

Now, as usually is the case when I make these theories, I have a parts 1,2,3,4 and 6. There's allways this 5th piece I miss but I manage to get at the end.

But the 6th piece is the Timeless Child. The Doctor isn't a Time Lord anymore. They're not beholden to those people and ideas anymore. Even moreso, those people basically raped her childhood for their own gain so it's not like you'd really listen to them and their "policy of non-intervention".

I'm sensing a coming Trial of a Time Lord season (even believing these two seasons are the opening statement and preliminary evidence of the trial itself) wherein the Doctor finally gets the turnaround 6 deserved. A Trial of the Time Lords, if you will.

"In all my travels through time and space I have battled against evil, against power-mad conspirators. I should have stayed here! The oldest civilization: decadent, degenerate and rotten to the core! Power mad conspirators? Daleks, Sontarans, Cybermen — they're still in the nursery compared to us! Ten million years of absolute power: that's what it takes to be really corrupt!"

This is what it's all coming down to. Chibnall's takedown of the Time Lords. And The Master is going to play the most crucial role of all.

They're going to be revealed as an Ux alongside the Doctor and show how the only constants they have in this universe are each other and it's about damn time they work together and tell these high collars to eat Schitt while they explore every star and planet they can find.

Come on, the episode is called The Timeless "Children". If it was just the Doctor it'd be called "The Timeless Child". The Master says as much with the misdirect line, "built on the lie of the Timeless Child." since we see two kids playing in that flashback.

"Since always. Since the Cloister Wars, since the night he stole the moon and the president's wife, since he was a little girl. One of those was a lie, can you guess which one?"

Now we know which one was a lie, we know the Master HAS known the Doctor since they were a little girl. THAT little girl...

But this is all just speculation. It's not like Chris Chibnall could have been thinking about this for the past 40 years and was given a blank slate to do whatever he wanted for five years on his favorite TV show. If y'all want to think he took those reigns and is choosing to make things worse...

Well then you don't know much about responsibility.

I'll let the man himself tell you about it.

"Very early in my career,” says Chibnall, “someone told me that you learn more from a failure than you do from a success. And then I lived out that phrase for a year in Los Angeles. I learned that I would not work that way again or be put in that situation again.” The essential lesson was: “You either have to be in total control of a show or working with people who share your vision and will work with you to achieve it. Also, never work with 13 executive producers.

“Camelot was the classic case of too many cooks. It wasn’t a harmonious set-up and I think that does manifest itself on screen.

“I had a fantastic cast but you have to be free to tell the story you want to tell in the way that you want to tell it. What ended up on screen was not what I wanted and so it is a blemish on my CV.”

Credit to @thirteenthdoc

“You immortals - so entitled, so spoiled. You never clear up after yourselves and you always leave stuff lying around.” - Thirteenth Doctor in Can You Hear Me?

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v-hope · 5 years

Text

Drunken Proof: The Aftermath

Pairing: Jeon Jeongguk x Reader

Genre: Fluff, College!AU, Retired Fuckboy!Jeongguk

Word Count: 2.8k

Request: Yup, a few people wanted to know what happened with these two the morning after so here you go

A/N: You can find the first part in my masterlist (thanks for that, Tumblr). Let me know what you think!

After having been dating for nine months, you would've thought Jeongguk would be over being a clingy, whiny baby after one of your arguments. He should know by now you were not leaving him just for anything, shouldn't he?

When you woke up without being able to move due to the way his arms and legs were wrapped around your figure like a koala, almost as if he was scared of you going away, you realised that was not the case.

And as you tried to free yourself from his tight embrace so you could go make him some breakfast, only for him to tighten his hold on you and nuzzle his head deeper in the crook of your neck, you decided waking him up was the way to go.

“Guk-ah” you moved your shoulders backwards a few times for him to wake up.

A whine was his only response.

“Jeongguk” you repeated, this time sternly.

“Baby girl, I'm dying” his hoarse voice made goosebumps appear on your skin.

Baby girl. That pet name alone made you know to him your previous argument was long forgotten. But he always did that. You never, not once during your whole relationship, had sat down to try and fix one of the problems you as a couple had, for he always avoided the topic and acted as if you hadn't fought in the first place, and you said nothing, falling for his charms – but you were done with it. You didn't want to lose him, and if you kept on letting him avoid confrontation any longer, you would end up doing just that at some point.

Finally breaking free from his arms, you sat up, gazing down at him before you ran your hand gently through his hair, pushing back the strands of it covering his forehead.

“Jeongguk, we need to talk”.

There you said the words you tried to say every time something like this happened between the two of you. Only now he was not in the position to avoid them anymore, which is why his eyes fluttered open with difficulty, given the hangover was still killing him, and fixed on yours without being able to hide just how much your statement had preoccupied him.

“Can we do it some other time? I haven't even woken up properly” he tried to reason with you, but you were not really having it, knowing well enough if you didn't solve things now, you never would.

“Go take a shower then” you quickly glanced to your bathroom. “It will help you freshen up. Besides, you stink”.

He pouted. “I don't stink”.

“You smell like alcohol and sweat” you informed him. “Go on, I'll go make you breakfast in the meantime”.

“Um…” he kept you from completely leaving his side by grabbing your wrist. When you looked at him with questioning eyes, he cleared his throat. “Shower with me?”

There it was again, clingy Jeongguk.

“But I'm making you something to eat, you need t–”

“I'm not hungry” he shook his head. “Please?”

You let out a sigh, running your hand through your hair before giving in to his puppy eyes.

Smiling as bright as the hangover allowed him to, he got out of bed, taking your hand in his so the two of you could make your way to the bathroom.

“Don't even think about shower sex though” you warned him as he turned on the hot water.

Turning around with a cheeky grin, he couldn't take his eyes from you while you removed your shirt. “As much as I love the sound of that” he took off his shirt as well, “I'm too hungover to try anything” he admitted.

“Good” you mocked, feeling shivers down your spine the second he placed his hands on your hips.

“Maybe later though” he teased, softly planting a kiss on your shoulder.

“We need to talk first in order for that to happen” you reminded him, taking off the rest of your clothes and entering the shower.

He stared at you blankly for a few seconds before doing the same, joining you in under the hot water.

Jeongguk didn't know why he was so scared of confrontation. Maybe it was because he had never been confronted by anyone, at least not regarding relationships. Or maybe it was the fact that it was you – your relationship being the one entering the discussion. And it scared him to death, the multiple conclusions you could get to after talking about your problems, because he had reached a point in his life he didn't know what he'd do without moments like this. Without you.

The mere fact of him being in a shower with you, with zero sexual intentions but because he needed to have you close, said a lot itself. You were the first person he was comfortable enough sharing these kind of moments with, you know, without other intentions, and he wished he could just keep on avoiding the ‘make up talks’ so you would move on and go back to being the happy couple you were, because he was afraid your talking intentions would not be ‘make up’ ones but ‘break up’ instead.

Once the two of you were done, he wrapped a towel around you, later doing the same to himself and helping you out of the shower. Still in silence, you brushed your teeth and then went back inside your room. Jeongguk's choice of clothing, that being a pair of grey sweatpants and a black t-shirt, let you know he was not planning on leaving your apartment for a while. You, on the other hand, put on a pair of skinny jeans and a white blouse. He didn't think much of you wearing what you usually did to attend class, for you were already sat down in front of him on your bed, ready to talk for once and for all.

“So… what did you want to talk about?” he fidgeted with his hands.

“Apart from the fight we didn't get to solve yesterday?” you reminded him of the fact that he had walked out on you the previous day, making him lower his head in shame. “I would like to say sorry, I guess”.

That made him snap his head back up, confusion written all over his face. “Sorry?” he frowned, “I'm the one that messed up, why would you be sorry?”

Taking a deep breath, you shrugged, being now you the one to avoid his stare. “In case you were wondering why you woke up here” his expression turned blank, being already so used to spending the night at yours that he had not questioned it at all until you said it, “last night your hyungs brought you here drunk out of your mind and you didn't recognise me, so y–”

“Wait, what?” he stuck his lower lip out, looking more than ever like a lost puppy. “I didn't recognise you?”

“It's not that big of a deal, really” you reassured him, “but… the thing is, you started ranting to me about me” you frowned at how weird that sounded – apparently Jeongguk had understood what you meant, for he nodded, asking you to go on, “and you said that you didn't think I trusted you, because of your old fuckboy ways and all that…”

“Y/N…”

“It's okay, Guk-ah” you smiled weakly. “It just hurt me because it made me realise I've been a pretty shitty girlfriend. I trust you, I truly do” you held his hands in yours, “otherwise I wouldn't even be with you in a relationship at all. I just…” you sighed, “I get insecure sometimes, because people always throw themselves at you and I'm scared one day you might realise you'd rather go back to being single instead of staying attached to someone… but that's on me, really, because you've been nothing but the most loving boyfriend and you show me with every passing day just how committed to this relationship you are and how much you love me and…” you let out a shaky breath, “I'm sorry I get jealous of such insignificant things” you pouted, remembering what had initiated your fight, “and I'm sorry I make it seem like I don't trust you. I'll do my best to show you I do”.

He was speechless, his heart both hurting because of the sad sight he had of you and fluttering because of your genuine apology – one he was not expecting at all.

Not letting another second pass, he wrapped you inside his arms, making you press your face to his chest.

“You don't get jealous of insignificant things” he mumbled against your hair, “I would've reacted the same if anyone flirted with you so shamelessly, especially right in front of me”.

“But you weren't even flirting back, I'm so stupid”.

He sighed, cupping your face in his hands to make you look at him. “You're not. Like I said, baby girl, I would've reacted the same, and you don't even share my same past” he chuckled – the corner of your lips curving up at the sound. “And you have nothing to worry about. Honestly, I used to think my hyungs were so dumb for getting into serious relationships and attaching themselves to only one person, but now I get it. I do. So trust me when I say I would so much rather be in a relationship with you than being single and messing around with anyone like I used to” he caressed your cheeks. “You should know by now I only want you, and that's not changing”.

“I know that now” you quietly giggled. Noticing his questioning raised eyebrow, you explained: “I tried to take your clothes off last night to tuck you into bed and you wouldn't let me because I was not your girlfriend”.

Jeongguk's cheeks didn't wait a second to turn a furious crimson colour. But him, being the Jeon Jeongguk, tried to play it cool. “Well, I thought you were a different person. It would've been wrong of me to let someone who's not you see what is meant for your eyes only, right?” he smirked.

With that, you rolled your eyes, trying to suppress a smile that threatened with forming in your lips. “Funny how you said something along those same lines last night”.

“It's the truth” he shrugged.

Seeing you smile right then, he pulled you back into his embrace, pressing his lips softly to the crown of your head, and relaxing into your touch once your arms were also wrapped around his figure.

“I guess it's my turn to say sorry” he mumbled.

“You think?” you teased.

He took a deep breath, already feeling his hands starting to sweat.

Confrontation. Admitting his mistakes. It wasn't that hard, right? You had done it. He could do it, too.

“I'm sorry I walked out on you yesterday” he apologised, “and every other time we have had an argument…”

You nodded, making him lose his hold on you so you could go back to his eye level. “Can you please stop doing that?” you pleaded. “It scares me because I never know if you're leaving to cool down or for good…”

“I would never leave you just like that” he furrowed his eyebrows, wanting to make sure that was clear and out of the way. “I just… I hate fighting with you. I don't know how to act when we argue and I just want it to stop, so I leave” he confessed, “in hopes everything will be better once we see each other next”.

“Guk-ah” you sighed, “that's not how things work” you informed him, receiving a nod from him. He knew you were right, but it really used to make sense to him before. “You can't just escape arguments forever. It's normal for couples to fight, and we almost never do it, but… if we never solve our problems, they will backfire on us, just like it happened yesterday”.

“I know” he whispered, lowering his head. “I don't ever want to fight like that again”.

“Then don't run away from confrontation, okay?” you pushed his chin slightly up. “We only fought like that because we had so many things unsaid and problems unsolved”.

“I won't do it anymore” he promised.

“Okay then… I work on my trust issues and you on facing confrontation” you smiled, sticking your pinky out. “Teamwork”.

He mirrored your expression, immediately interlocking his pinky with yours. “Yeah, we can do it. We're a good team”.

The two of you laughed lightly, finally letting out all the tension you had been accumulating for the past hours.

Jeongguk tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, cupping one of your cheeks in his hand.

“I love you a lot, you know that?” he confessed, causing your heart to jump.

“I know” you smiled, “and I love you, too. Very much” his eyes lit up at the way you had cooed those words.

You bit down on your lower lip after noticing how his eyes travelled from your eyes to your mouth, already anticipating the feel of his soft lips on yours.

“Can I kiss you?” he wondered.

You snorted. “What kind of boyfriend asks that?”

“A very inexperienced one who doesn't know if it's alright for him to kiss his girlfriend right after they make up?”

“Baby boy” you teased him, loosely wrapping your arms around his neck, “kissing is the way to wrap up a make up” you seductively cocked one of your eyebrows.

You didn't need to say more, for his lips were already softly pressing against yours, moving tenderly at a slow pace, only picking up a more passionate one once your back had touched the mattress and he positioned himself on top of you – one of his hands pressing down on the bed, not wanting to let his full weight on you, and his other one still cupping your cheek to have control over the kiss.

It was when your breathings became heavier and his hand abandoned your face, trailing down to the end of your blouse, later lifting it up and starting to roam around your naked skin under it, however, that you let him know you had different plans.

Lightly pushing him back, you stood up, leaving him completely baffled as to why you had withdrawn from his touch.

“I thought we were making up?”

“By kissing, yes” you nodded, going to apply some perfume. “Make up sex will have to wait. I have a class to attend”.

His jaw fell open, cursing himself for not having noticed your intentions the moment you decided to dress like that. “Can't you just skip it?” he pouted. “You already missed the first one, there's no point in going now”.

“You know I have a group project I can't just bail on” you shrugged. “Besides, you do seem to be doing a lot better”.

“Babe” he whined, “you can't leave me here like this”.

“Payback for waking me up at two in the morning, I guess”.

A loud whine escaped his throat, throwing his head back – being impossible for you not to laugh at his little tantrum. Still, neither him nor his childish antics were changing your mind.

“Take the medicine I left for you on the nightstand” you ordered, going to grab your bag, “and you know where everything is in case you get hungry. I'll be back in two hours”.

“Can you at least give me a kiss before you abandon me?” he dramatically said before you could cross the door.

You suspiciously glared at him. “Promise you won't trap me in your arms so I can't leave?”

Jeongguk huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. “Well, now I won't”.

Rolling your eyes at how predictable he was, at least to you, you made your way back to your bed, connecting your lips with his already puckered up ones.

“Come back as soon as you finish so we have lunch together, yeah?” he pecked your lips one last time.

You hummed contently in response. “Who would've thought that idiot who used to text me asking for nudes would end up being the sweetest boyfriend ever”.

“Hey, I had to play all my cards to try and get you” he poorly defended himself.

“Sure, babe” you taunted him, walking back to the door so you could leave for once and for all.

“You know what the best part is, baby girl?” he called from the bed.

The second you turned around to let him know you were listening, you saw in his expression that his overconfident self had jumped out. And you knew for sure you had fucked up by giving him the last word the moment his lips parted to say:

“I don't even have to ask for nudes anymore”.

Yup, there he was – the cocky idiot you had so helplessly fallen for.

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rixxy8173571m3w1p3 · 5 years

Text

His Territory

Oh man, I missed writing Cat Rick X Reader fics. I don't know who asked for this one, but I'm going to include in my Cat Rick X Reader series. @kitten-wrath I'm tagging you cause I know how much you love that Kitty Rick. 🐱

_____________________

For the last week or so, Rick had taken up surveillance around your home which wasn't all that unusual, but what was strange was how touchy he would be if you came home through the back door instead of the front door. You had thought nothing of it for the first couple of days, but when he found a hair on your pants after the local stray cat rubbed up against you, he not only demanded that you'd burn them, but that he'd have to mark his territory again. "Rick, we've been through his before. You can't go peeing everywhere just because another cat showed up"

"Baby, I-I-I don't think you're seeing the bigger picture here."

If he meant that you didn't see how peeing and rubbing up against everything would solve everyone's problems, then yeah there was no bigger picture. "You're right, I don't see it, but I'm sure you're about to tell me."

"A cat doesn't step over into a-another cats t-territory unless they're lookin for trouble."

"Not even when they're hungry?" you teased. "Isn't that what you did fuzzy butt?"

Like any Rick, he hated to be wrong. Flattening his ears, he grumbled. "Th-that's beyond the point."

"Sure it is." you giggled. "I mean, it's not like you didn't get into a fight with the last cat that even looked at my yard. Look, I understand if you want the yard all to yourself, but what if he's hungry? The worst thing that could happen is I'd end up with another cat if I fed him."

"Which is why y-y-y-y-you wouldn't." he hissed.

"Wouldn't I?"

“Yeah, I-I don't think so. All th-that food is mine." he stated matter of factly.

"Are you sure about that? Maybe I should pull up my bank statements to confirm that."

Still indifferent, he paced back and forth; the click of his nails being but a minor distraction. "Baby, all I know is h-he better back off my turf. This place is mine."

There he was again, claiming things were his. "Technically it's mine." you interjected, "I just let you stay here."

"And my scent is all over this place," he stressed, "so he needs t-t-to get the hell away from here before I claw his eyes out."

"What if he's in need? You never know if he's searching for a forever home."

"Th-then I'll show him the way out. For good."

You heard him talk this way before, but it didn't mean you liked it. You flicked his nose, which caused him to dig his nails into the floor. "How can you be so rude? What if I had shown you the way out when you had first shown up? Then right now we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"I think y-you mean to show me off."

"No, I don't, but I can show you something alright. I swear if you weren't so…" you paused finding it ridiculous that he'd care so much about this and that you had gotten caught up in foolishness again. What was he thinking anyway? It's not like you were going to get rid of him or anything.

"I'm so what?" he bristled; taking your brief silence as frustration. "I'm s-so annoying? Geez, tell me something I-I don't know. You tell me enough as it is."

Plopping himself down on your recliner, he began to groom himself aggressively; still grumpy as ever, but if you weren't mistaken, his limp tail and downturned ears made him appear a bit melancholic. You weren't sure how to feel about it other than disappointed. Not in him, but at yourself. Could it be that he had taken to heart what you've said all the previous times you two argued as well as this time?

For your part you took a seat on the couch and glanced out the window where the curtains hadn't been destroyed yet in order to distract yourself; spotting the stray which had been coming around as of late, and rolling around without a care on the lawn. There were several things in which you thought you should do. You could chase him away yourself, feed him, or some other third thing. Knowing that Rick would freak out if you gave any indications of preference to anyone or anything other then him bothered you. So you rose and walked over to sit on the armrest of the recliner. "You don't mind if I sit here do you?"

He didn't answer, but he looked away as he continued to groom himself. You went on. "I'm sorry. I don't...I don't know or understand what goes on in that mind of yours Rick, but if at any point you thought that I'd get rid of you, then you're mistaken. I mean, how could I?"

Really, how could you? Especially since he'd brought so much joy into your life. You hated to admit it sometimes, but you really cared about him, despite how annoying, and temperamental he could be. He'd never treated badly like some of your old boyfriends; better then some friends even and if you weren't mistaken, he might've cared for you too. However, could he really when you both weren't even of the same species? Perhaps that's why you treated him as you did; as some oversized pet; afraid of what you felt deep down inside.

Stretching out your hand to scratch behind his ears, you hesitated. Is this how it should be? As an owner and a pet? Or more? You felt conflicted and losing your nerve, you tried to get up so you could chase that stray cat away, but was stopped by a soft hand on gripping your wrist. "Don't leave. If I-I bother you so damn much baby, then maybe I-I should go. I'd certainly be doing you a-a favor."

Whatever causes your heart to flutter, or to rejoice, or to feel pain sank at that moment. Is that what he thought? No, that's wrong. How were you supposed to do this? To show him that you didn't want him to go and that you cared? Well, you did the only thing you thought made sense.

Turning back around, you stretched your arms open to embrace him. Wrapping your arms around his neck, you caught him by surprise; his body having tensed up, but soon melt when you returned in kind what he would do to you; rubbing your face along the side of his face, and nuzzling his neck until you heard him purr. "If I mark you with my scent," you wondered; your words muffled by his fur. "does that mean that you belong to me? And I to you? Will it make it better?"

The arms which were wrapped around you squeezed you a bit tighter, and a chuckle erupted from his throat. For the briefest moments, he inhaled your scent, and you felt his nails bite your skin through the fabric of your blouse. You squeaked when you felt his nose against your neck, and if you were honest with yourself, you hadn't disliked it, but soon he loosened his grip about your waist and with a sigh, directed your gaze towards him; a serious, but all the more indescribable expression decorating his face. "I-I don't think you understand what you're talking about baby. Y-you can't - you shouldn't do that."

"Do what?" you wondered, trying to study his expression.

"What y-you're doing it - it doesn't mean what y-you think it means."

With your arms still about his neck, you didn't feel dissuaded to let go; feeling that this was what you were supposed to do. "If it means that I think you're adorable, and that I don't want you to go, then it doesn't matter. Isn't that okay?"

Giving you a funny look, he licked your cheek before pressing a soft kiss upon it and remaining there. "Baby," he softened. "I-I know I'm a furry piece of crap, but I - I promise I won't kill him. You don't need t-t-to do this to prove your point. I get it, but even so, at least I-I got to experience this."

"What are you talking about?"

"If only you knew." he whispered

"Knew what?"

Rising from the chair, he pulled your arms away and that melancholic expression returned. "It's nothing baby. I just… I promise I won't."

And as promised, he didn't. Though, when Rick had left your embrace, you couldn't help but feel alone and rejected. Had you caused some misunderstanding again? Had you crossed some line which there was no going back from? Well, whatever it had been, you hoped you two could move on and get over it. But if he happened to get over it, could you?

Fin

#not doofus rick related #cat rick x reader #cat rick #Kitty Rick x Reader #Rick x Reader #rick sanchez x reader #rick and morty fanfiction #rnm fanfic #Rnm #Rick and morty #rick and morty comics #my writing #my works

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lifeofbouyd · 5 years

Text

Tenant Affairs

Unknown at the time: Hi, can you help me fix my pipe please? I’ve been trying from morning but it’s not working.

I had watched this girl almost a year and didn’t know how to start a convo and now she wants me to fix her pipe. I wondered what kind of pipe she was talking. Could this be some kinky hook up kinda shit, or was she really in need of help? Mmmmm.

Me: Sure.

I walked in slowly behind her, taking notice of every detail. Expensive drapery hung at her windows and her air fresheners smelled like fresh roses. Her carpet was customized with her name on it and a big portrait of her hung in the wall. She had on nothing but leggings and a sport bra. Seemed as if she had been working out prior to calling me. I had bargauned for a five minutes but it turned out to be half a day of hard work. Pulling down, testing, refitting again and again. Eventually, I solved the problem and I could finally get on with my life. I was so caught up doing her plumbing I had forgotten I was to pick up my girlfriend. Thirty-six missed calls and several messages. I hadn't even cooked yet, sigh. As I was about to leave she offered me some food.

Her: Hey, I just finished cooking and I cooked enough for both of us. Are you hungry?

I hadn't eaten in about twelve hours when she asked. I'm not the kind to eat from people. ”mi no liky liky”. But what if I don't take it? She might feel offended.

Me: Mi no too nyam from people eno muma, but the food scent a gwan wid a vybz. Gimi likle bit deh. She laughed and shared it in a little plate. Muttering about men not eating from women. To be honest, it tasted even better than it looked.

Unknown: My name is Shantel by the way. I'm surprised you didn't ask. Did you already know?

Me: I figured you'd tell me at some point. I'm Bouyd from apartment 26.

We sat there chatting for about an hour before I left, staring at her big butt and stiff tits. This girl was a natural turn on. She took my number in case she ever needed assistance with anything in the future. I didn't see nor hear from her in about two months and as far as I knew, she had forgotten about me. I was chilling one evening when I saw a strange number calling. I didn't answer. I watched it while it rang about four times. I figured if it was important they would either call back or send a message. So said, so done.

Text:

Hi Boyd, Shantel here. I need a really big favor of you. My friend gave me two VIP tickets for her red carpet event this weekend. It's a couples kind of thing and my boyfriend is kind of a dick so he's not suitable for the event. I really can't go alone. Rescue me, please.

I sat there and read the message a few times. She didn't even spell my name right. Either way, the message was pretty straightforward. Just like that, I had a hot date. I kept wondering if she was kidding so I didn't know how to reply. A few minutes later she called back, asking if I had gotten her message and if I could come over. I didn't even waste a second. I made myself at home on her leather couch while she whipped us some finger food.

Shantel: You drink Hennessey right?

Me: yeah

She poured me a glass and sat right next to me. Staring me dead in the eye.

Shantel: I know you don’t know me like that, but I’d like your company to the party. You the only guy I know that Isn’t looking me right now. Can you come with me, please?

Me: As long as you can promise not to try anything fishy.

Shantel: Consider it a deal.

We sat there drinking and chatting till she fell asleep. She was so drunk she couldn’t even make it to her room. I covered her with her blanket, washed what we had used and closed the door on my way out. I couldn’t help but notice she was comfortable enough to have nothing on but a big T-shirt and her bed slippers. Her nipples were shooting at me, and her thick thighs just looked so damn sexy. I stayed up all night thinking about it. Was I sure I didn’t want her to try anything, was I really gonna let all that pass. I thought of all the ways I’d tap that ass and how I’d make her love me. I got so horny, I had to wack myself off.

She invited me over for breakfast the next morning and dinner that evening. Progress. If I didn’t know better I’d think she was looking a man. She said she wanted a date but she acted like she wanted to fuck. She asked me to follow her to get some clothes for the party, which I did. Not knowing what was to come. She threw me her keys and reclined the passenger chair in her 2014 Honda CRV sitting on twenty-twos. Not a woman kinda car if you asked me. We pulled up to store in the town and started browsing through the women section. For everything she got herself she got me something similar. Acting all girlfriendish. Asking questions like; “babe, what you think about this one, does this make my boody look big, can I get something similar for my boyfriend please?” Boyfriend, when did that happen? Mmm 🤔. I played along and humored her. I even slapped her ass a few times to sell the act. As worried as I was, she liked it. On our way home she held my hand real tight, telling me about her life and her mistake of a boyfriend. Tears ran down her cheeks as she got emotional. I felt like I had known her all my life. As soon as we got home, she drowned her feelings in a vintage bottle of vodka. She drank and cried and drank some more, spilling her guts before making bed on the floor.

Shantel: Join me, please. I know you want to.

I sat there staring at her taking her clothes off. She bit her lips and stared me in the eye. Rubbing her perfectly shaped breast. I had always wanted to see her like this. Was this a dream come through, was this the one chance I had always wanted, should I fuck the life out of her? A million Questions fired through my head. Bouyd, come join me, please. I need this.

Me: I want you too, more than you can imagine. But if I was to fuck you now, I’d just be taking advantage of you in your emotional state.

She laughed and turned her back, muttering about her pussy and how many men would kill for the opportunity. I felt like a fool even though I knew I was going the right thing. My conscience kept sticking me in the chest. Why was I a Good Samaritan to this girl? All I wanted to do before was fuck her. But now, I’m playing boyfriend, trying to treat her better than a piece of meat. Had I become a pussy from her sad story, or was I falling in love with her and not even knowing. Whatever it was, I just sat there, staring at her on the floor. Looking so peaceful. I wanted to be balls deep inside her, have her running out of breath with my every stroke. I threw her across my shoulder, making my way to her room. I tucked her in tightly and kissed her on her forehead, goodnight. By the time I could walk away she pulled me in the bed, wrapped her legs around my waist and kissed me. Cold chills ran down my spine, leaving me defenseless. I had wanted to kiss her for as long as I’ve known her. Her lips tasted like lavender and felt so soft as if they were melting on mine. “Tell me you don’t want to fuck me,” she said. Staring me dead in the eye and biting her lips. “Tell me you haven’t jerked off thinking about cumin deep inside my pussy.” I just laid there with my dick straining my pants. I stared at her in silence, trying to control my breathing. How’d she know I jerked off to the thought of her, was she watching me through my bathroom window at nights, or is she just assuming that I did. Either way, I still didn’t say a word. I didn’t know how to reply. What do I say? Oh my god, I want to fuck her so badly, make her cum till she forgets her name. “I want to suck your children from your back then ride your duck till you cum in my pussy,” she said. I, I, I want, I want to fuck you so bad but I don’t want to take advantage of you.

She pushed me off and grabbed me by the belt, pushing me towards the wall while rubbing her hand up and down my hot shaft. “I like this, I want this, please, please, please. At least let me suck the dang thing. I can’t send you home like this. I watched her pull my pants to my ankles and smiled at my dick straining my pants. I swallowed hard. She held me by the waist and rubbed her face against my buff. She had an ears wide smile on her face, looking as if she finally got that Christmas gift she’s always wanted. “Now Bouyd, remember, this is up to you, the ball is in your court if you want me to stop just say so.” I could hardly stand on my feet properly feeling her hot breath through my underpants. She slid it down slowly while kissing my waist, making my legs shake like leaves in the wind. “Are you nervous Bouyd, should I stop?” She stared me in deep in the eyes as she kissed my legs. Her lips melted on my burning skin. She slowly dragged her tongue up my legs till she reached my rock hard dick. “Slurp, slurp, slurp” slowly, gently, passionately she slid my dick down her throat. No hands, just her soft warm mouth sliming my dick. I sunk into the wall, watching her enjoy herself. She grabbed it with both hands and started thrusting and sucking, gagging and kissing. She moaned my name and played with my nuts. “Cum in my mouth baby, let me taste your juice.” Harder and harder she sucked and pumped my dick, causing my toes to crack and my legs to shake. Within five minutes or less the sensation got to my head. There was so much pressure built up I felt as if I was gonna explode. I’m gonna cum. “Yes baby, cum in my mouth” she replied. Staring me dead in the eyes while she sucked me dry. The closer I got to cumin, the further I climbed up the wall. No matter how hard I tried pulling her head off, she still thrust back and forth, harder and harder. It felt so good I couldn’t even help myself. The moment she pulled her mouth off it started spraying like a broken pipe. Cum in her hair, cum in her nose, cum in her mouth. Cum dripping down her face. I’ve never cum so much in my life. I threw her on the bed and dragged her pants off. I was gonna shove my dick balls deep down her hole. “Bouyd, goodnight. Thanks for the cum I needed that.” Like what the fuck, are you fucking serious right now? She brushed her teeth then tucked herself in. “You can sleep beside me if you want,” she said. Smiling as if I should be happy. I laid there on my back next to her till I fell asleep. I was way too tired to go back to my room plus I was hoping she’d wake up in the morning and want to feel my dick inside her. I woke up that morning to pancakes, orange juice, and some herbal tea. She had nothing on but her panties and a t-shirt that rested on her waist. For some odd reason, she was sexy as fuck to me. “This can be yours if you’re a good boy,” she said. “The party is later and remember you’re driving.” I watched her stroll her big ass throughout the house, bending on purpose, sitting on my lap. God, did you send this Demond to taunt me, is she gonna be like this all the time? Shit, I was losing my mind. I went back to my room to take a long, cold shower and jerk myself. I grabbed my Versace white t-shirt and mixed it with a white Polo Shorts and my brand new peach Desert Clarks that she had bought. With three chains around my neck and my iced out watch and bracelet set, I headed to her apartment to see if she was ready. She sat before her mirror, pasting and rubbing, creating a work of art. She had painted herself a brand new face. I stood there staring at her, Taking notice how her accessories complemented her outfit. I knew she was pretty, but damn, this makeup, shit. She’s a goddess, hands down. “Don’t stare too long, you might fall in love” she muttered. But that was too late. My heart has already Hers from that blow job last night, she had sucked my soul through my dick.

I picked up her friends and floated the phantom to the party. I kept staring at her from the side of my eyes, watching her bite her lips whenever she looked at me. I imagined bracing her against the steering, with her legs around me riding me till I explode inside her. This made me obviously horny. My dick stretched across my shorts, straining the zip and causing it to slide down repeatedly. “Let me fix that for you,” she said while winding my zip up. She gently rubbed her hand across my buff and kissed me on the cheek. She knew exactly what she was doing, she was in full control. Her friends kept staring at us, or was it just me that they were staring at? Hmmm, I really can’t tell. They resembled “jealousy”. We pulled up to the party looking like a real couple. Holding hands, cheek kisses, staring each other down. Shit, I had gotten so lost in the fantasy of her that I forgot we had an agreement. Just act like her boyfriend for a weekend and then it’s back to normal. She introduced me to everyone as her boyfriend, she did everything for me to feel like I was her boyfriend. She didn’t even want her friends grinding on me so she close marked me the entire time. After having a few shots of Hennessy, Courvoisier, and Patrón they were wasted. Whining like Dirt Worms. She got on her knees and rubbed her face across my buff a few times. “Do me here, fuck me, please, I beg you, make me cum on your dick” she screamed. I wanted to, and if I wasn't for the fact that I don’t like the idea of public sex we’d probably be “fucking famous” today 😂. I grabbed them some salted nuts, peanuts that is, and several bottles of water to dilute all that booze they had swallowed. I watched her caress her tits and slowly ran her tongue across her lips. It wasn’t long after that they started kissing, pulling in unwanted eyes. I grabbed them and what was left of our booze and headed for the car. Out of nowhere comes a fight between her and one of her friends. Rolling on the ground, pulling each other’s hair and screaming. I was confused, like what the fuck, what the fuck are they fighting for? “I guess it’s you,” her other friend said. Fighting for me, for what? I don’t even know her friend’s name. We pulled them apart and gave them time to calm down before speeding off. Surprising enough, they were friends by the time we got home. Again they started making out, from the couch to the bedroom. I heard them moan a few times before I was dead asleep. That’s when it hit me, they were together. That’s why they were fighting.

I woke up to an empty house. Breakfast on the table and a note that she’ll be back soon. I ran to my room for fresh clothes to take a shower at her place after devouring her cooking. I filled the tub all the way up then laid there for a while with my eyes closed, stroking my dick. I felt a kiss on my forehead, soft wet lips. I jumped the fuck up as I was frightened half to death. I hadn’t even heard her come in. “Don’t let me stop you,” she said while flashing her clothes off. I laid back just like before and continued stroking my dick until she joined me. She replaced my hands with her’s and ran wet circles around my nipples. She gave me a wet lap dance as she sucked my lips off my face. “I want to ride you, slow and steady until I cum. Don’t move” she said. She rubbed her clit against the head a few times before sliding it in, making my dick jump from all the excitement. I felt my dick piercing her tight, wet pussy every time she moved. She slowly rode the head causing me to shake each time it slid in and out. Again she sucked my lips from my face, only now rinding my dick faster. Moving from the head to half the length of my shaft. She squeezed my neck and grabbed my skin as if she wanted to rip it off. With her head hanging back and eyes rolling back in her head she screamed; “breed mi, breed mi, cum ina mi pussy please, o god, mi love yuh dick”. She squeezed my neck even harder as she came. She kept riding until she came several other times. I lifted her from the tub and placed her on the face basin. I held her by the neck and braced her against the glass as I rubbed my dick on her aroused clit. I stuck two fingers inside her and poked her hard till she begged for my dick. “Let me suck it, stick your fingers in my mouth, make me cum again, please.” I picked her up and braced her against the wall, holding her high enough to give her the full length of my rod. Like lightning, on a stormy evening I struck her, hard then slow. Bringing her right to the edge of climaxing then slowing down the pace. She moaned and cried from the pleasure she was feeling. I stood firm and held her by her legs, slowly pulling her up and down my dick hitting her G-spot. My shaft was creamed with her cum and hadn’t even cum yet. She got on her knees, spat on it and displayed her gag reflex, holding me firmly by the waist. She sucked and pumped until I was numb. My knees eventually gave way, shaking while I exploded on her face. She was worth the stress after all.

For months to come, we were inseparable. Our party weekend turned into a relationship. One I thought I’d only have in my mind. But like all my relationships prior and after that all she really wanted was some fuck until her boyfriend got back from overseas. I got so comfortable sleeping in her bed, having her over and going out I completely forgot I had her on loan. I was in an acting position soon to be revoked. I can’t even recall her talking to him on the phone now that I think about it. We slept in the same bed/s for months and her phone was always sitting on the dresser. She’d never made mention of him since we started flexing so to my knowledge he never existed. I remember her taking me out for dinner one night to a really nice restaurant to celebrate my birthday. We came home wasted and fucked till we fell asleep. I woke up to what I thought would have been a normal day, breakfast ready and a thick chick waiting for my dick before work. I did get breakfast but she was all dressed up. I felt like I forgot something important, like her birthday or something of the sort because I really suck at things like that. “Did I forget something”, I asked. She stared at me for a few seconds before saying anything. “My boyfriend lands at 3 pm in Kingston today and I’m gonna pick him up,” she said. Nervously rubbing lipstick across her lips. I didn’t know what to say. Boyfriend, mmmm, when did this happen? Is this a prank and she wants to see my reaction, could she be serious? “You’re kidding right?” She took a deep breath and swallowed hard before breaking down in tears. I was furious but I was way too hungry not to eat my breakfast. But right after eating I grabbed my stuff and marched like a mad man to my room. I don’t know why I was so mad at her when she wasn’t even mine to begin with. I was always the side nigga with boyfriend benefits. But I loved her, I needed her. Or was it just her good pussy, was it the way she took my dick down her throat then rode it till I made a swamp of her pussy with my cum? Shit, now I’m confused, I can’t really choose. I blocked her the moment I got home but that only made me my sis her like crazy. I wanted to text her, see her, feel her. But god damn man, the nigga was like a roadblock. It stressed me for weeks before reality took effect. If she fucked me like that because the nigga fell short what would she do to me if I fell short? She’d do the same. She’d fuck some random nigga and swallow his kids the night before Igor home then come kiss me the next morning like everything ok. That shit made me realize that a woman will value your company only when it’s beneficial. She’ll love you like you’ve never been loved before and still have another nigga fuck her senseless. I did eventually fuck her a few times after that through her back grill (burglar bar) while he was in the house. Had her cumin like a broken pipe, only if he had known😂.

Life, you only get one. Make mistakes, create memories and cherish them because they last longer than people do.

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ranjishenoy · 3 years

Text

Passion vs Job

This has been my longest struggle and juggles to balance between passion and my job, as I don't know what I need in both these areas.

I started working in my first company and complained that it was legacy, technologies are not up to the market. But I was recognized well and appreciated well.

I started with second where technology was relevant but I lost interest and motivation to move on. Because I knew no matter how much I do, I would never feel accomplished. I am too ambitious to do hard work and then not see any results after that. I kept on debating whether to start a task or not. This became a habbit. Procrastination started taking over my entire productivity. I was no longer afraid to fail, always had reasons to cover that up. This is a pathetic state I am currently in.

I am trying to figure out to be more passionate. My mind says to come out of whole IT things and start a new journey. That is to write GATE and do MTech in KREC, be a professor. This sounds too good to be true.And again ambitious goal to achieve with current job and having a baby at home etc.

Work vs Job

Whats your work? [ ICU - by Wes Moore]

Identify: Your work is not someone else’s work. This is something which fulfills the need of environment and your passion.

Calcify: Solve issue of your life, Goal should be to end this not start.

Unify: Involve the people for whom you are working

Procrastination

So when you have this passion and dream to achieve bigger, You tend to get so involved in future that you are no more able to do tasks, you can't do small tasks. It seems so pointless to you, this kills self-motivation.

I am going through similar phase past couple of months, I think this place is very familiar to me. Whenever there was no deadline I ended up here. but these days things became so worse that I don't care for the outcome. As I know it never matters how much I put in, my equations with supervisors who keeps changing in my case is never smooth. Just to add to this my hubby is so self-motivated and like a key performer of the company, when we involve in office talk, I see him blaming ppl for not being efficient and not putting their 100%. I feel the guilt deep inside being the simialr person who is no more good. This kills whatever hope I have as the expectations are too high to reach out for.I am not sure how to focus on a task at hand come out clean.

I tried seeing motivational speeches, books they all talk about being successful etc, I feel I am not even close to this. The matter is accepting this fact that I cannot perform and then try improving should be much better approach than putting expectations that you want to be successful, do this that etc.

Accept Failure:

I feel I need to come to terms with my capabilities here,

1. Expecting to work after going home, doing overnight miracles just does not happen.

2. Trying to learn from youtube and ending up with blogs and other ppl's video does not help much.

3. Thinking about weight loss and exercise, a full day even after doing it and eating good does not help. It's a long term goal and takes time, spending so much time on this is worthless.

4. No, multitasking is woman's weapon, but not every woman's. Definitely not mine.

5. Procrastinating till 11 in the morning and waiting to go for a tea break, then come back and wait for lunch, Browse during lunch time which goes till 3:30. Now you are ready for tea. Come back at 5 and only 1 hour left, I feel I will do all this work at night, let me get some motivation and peep other great ppl's life.

6. Does watching successful ppl make you successful? Whom should we refer to?

7. whom should I refer, whom should I seek for help. where to look for what? who will help me here?

Look Inside:

The solution is to look within and come to terms with where you started, what was your capacity to complete a task at hand. What was your aspiration when you were growing up. What you are hungry for.

1. Place and Zone to build focus: I could sit inside the kodke, with a lamp in hand and sit there reading the most boring subject, till it starts becoming interesting and till I am confident with this. This is how I studied in my school. First thing here was being able to isolate from rest of the world and create a zone for focus.

2. competency: I would always see and follow toppers at school and try to be very competitive with scores and marks. Just so that I don't take things easy, so that I know when I am relaxing in front of TV or day dreaming, there are others who are studying and trying to be better.

3. Time: I could put a time table, which was extremely un doable mad still try to stick to it so that I end up doing most of it.

4. Food: Lunch, tea breaks were like a deadline to finish particular things, never the things I wanted to come. No, I can procrastinate from lunch t snack without any productive thing happening in between.

5. Inspirations: My parents were my biggest inspiration and my grand ma. I was a star kid for her, that is what motivated me enough to move on and be one.So that she and family had something to be proud.

Now I need to seek for similar things here, I may not get ppl noticing me here though, I should be able to live with this.

Hard Work, Dedication:

Even a genius person is good at his job, just because of his interest in the subject. Einstein was a genius but he spent his entire life for that. No one achieved any success without giving part of their life to do so.

In theory, i know all these, but from where to start all, how to fix problems that already exist. How to be a proactive person and how to make best of your opportunities or rather create your own path of opportunity. How to take control of things that happen around. How to be aware of what needs to be done and what not.

Enough of all thinking, how to start acting out.

Reality:

Unable to start the task, stick to the task. All these explanations which I give saying no rewards etc are bullshit. You should seek for self-motivation and intrinsic reward system.

Commitment :

Persistence:

Rewards:

Coming to terms with reality. what is a reward for me?. I was expecting to be a leader and denied by promotion. Which I don't see coming next year as well. So here is what it is the fact.

Stop cribbing about this and move on, intrinsic rewards is what you need to seek for to achieve the best of you. Accept the reality and failure. Don't run away you need time to do things and better start now.

I hate myself, for not being able to focus and for being vulnerable.

#Make Sure It Mattered That You Were Ever Even Here #While were here lets Love little Harder #push little faster

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sturlsons · 7 years

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do you have any content that you regularly keep up with? like fics/comics/shows/blogs? i want to start consuming more content and be more knowledgeable/wellread in general but i don't really know where to start :(

i saw this ask like an hour ago and promptly got distracted catching up on my youtube subscriptions so thank u for the reminder but apologies for the delay,,

LONG reply coming up, discussions of depression.

(if u’d rather skip my sob story just scroll down to the picture of the upset dude with the cigarette)

before i get to your specific question, just a little something, because you’ve unknowingly shed light on one of my B I G G E S T struggles: i’m actually real shit at consuming content myself. i have a horrible concentration span and focus issues in general, and i tend to have tunnel vision for academia and hence spend nine months of the year memorising vocab blindly and watching like three episodes of anime. i regularly try to get myself out of this habit but It’s Hard™, so instead i try to make academic choices which will automatically bring new content to the table. choosing essay topics that i’m not familiar with, using the mandatory individual reading requirements to check out books i’ve been meaning to read, trying to do more than the required reading while i’m at it, etc etc. i also try to make lists of things to watch/read every summer, but usually end up being distracted with my writing projects.

however, kinda good AND bad news. i only started getting stuck re: content consumption after moving to france and starting uni. in india my consumption was OFF THE CHARTS. eating through books and shows, doing research about all sorts of things, you name it. the good aspect of this is that as a child/teenager i already took in a way-above-average amount of information that still keeps me Smart and Cool™ in conversations to this day, but the bad aspect is that most of this was a form of escapism, a way to feed my insomnia back in the day, and then a horrible tangle with my depression which all ended in a huge mess. result: i was a pretentious fuckwit with an enormous amount of trivia in my head, but i was a manically depressed pretentious fuckwit with an enormous amount of trivia in my head, and what’s more-- the most hilarious-- i was actually terrified of moving out of my comfort zone in certain aspects. i used to read new things all the time, sure, watch new shows. but i’d also watch the same shows over and over until i memorised them, read the same books and poems out loud to myself, write the same kinds of fics, listen to the same artists. yeah, that one was weird as shit-- i couldn’t listen to new music, i just didn’t have the courage. the FIRST ever thing my therapist told me to do was check out a new artist by the time we had our second session. that’s when i discovered the national, one of the two most important bands of my life, and since that day i’ve made it a point to listen to at least one new artist a month.

anyway.

so then i moved to france, which was the best thing that could happen to me ever. however, as i quickly discovered (and sometimes still reel from), whether i like perpetuating this mindset or not (i don’t) the truth is at least for me, it seemed for a while that it was my very depression that kept me so Creative and Hungry For Knowledge and Pretentious Fuckwit. the happier i got, the “lazier” i got. i stopped writing for a year straight because i didn’t feel the urge to create anymore, i stopped consuming content because Who Cares I’m Living In The Moment I’m Finally Happy I Don’t Need To Hide Behind A Book. etcetera. most importantly: i was INSANELY focused on learning french and getting into the university of my choice, and since i kept seeing results in that department, i was happy with what my brain was doing.

then this dude broke my heart. if you’re from the jaywalkers readership, that’s when i started writing jaywalkers. you see how that doesn’t help the whole “no no, i’m only intelligent when i’m SAAAD” thing. i wrote jaywalkers, i wrote other fics, i wrote poetry, i sang songs and watched anime and read books and i used my brain more than i’d used it in the entirety of the year before this happened, and i was like, this is it. if i want to be great, i’ve got to be miserable.

two years later, i’m here to tell you that it’s bullshit. bullshit, you’ve gotta be sad to learn things. it’s the best thing for being sad is to learn something, NOT the best thing for learning something is to be sad. i let my habit of seeking comfort by reading/writing make me believe that i could only do that when i was heartbroken. it took me two years to understand that i was wrong. i could’ve been doing all sorts of bullshit in those two years. i could’ve watched all the james bond films! i haven’t watched all the james bond films!

does that mean i’m magically feeding myself knowledge again? nope. because it’s not all about feelings. it’s also about how much time i have, how much energy (physical and mental) i have. i still have a shitty concentration span and can barely make it through a movie without getting the creepy-crawlies over my skin. i still have to do three different things simultaneously or i’ll never get any of them done. i gotta skype someone while doing the dishes. i gotta skype someone while eating. i can’t just eat. i can’t JUST read. i SURE as hell can’t just watch something. but you know what? the only reason i figured (am still figuring) all of this out is because i got rid of the initial block that said i don’t want to. i had to realise that it was up to me whether i consumed content or not, and once i did, THEN i could get to solving the practical problems that came with it.

it’s still a work in progress. a very, VERY fresh work in progress, because i’ve only started implementing big changes this spring/summer. it’s a lot of trial and error, but there’s a lot of solutions. turns out i’m better at keeping up with shows if i make it a regular date night thing with my boyfriend. i’m better at reading things on my kindle since it throws me back to my bookworm days when i had physical books. i’m actually better at listening to content sometimes, which was a huge surprise since i’ve always staunchly believed that my auditory comprehension is utter shit. but i’m still working it out u know? i’ll make it. i don’t want to stagnate anymore.

NOW. ONTO YOUR ACTUAL QUESTION.

here’s the thing, i’m REALLY shitty at keeping up with ongoing content. my preferred m.o. is waiting for whatever ongoing thing interested me to not be ongoing anymore, and then i binge. it’s a concentration/stamina/fucks thing. hence what i do is subscribe to anything i like and save it for later.

like i like knowing what my favourite authors are up to, so i subscribe to them. if an ongoing fic’s summary seems interesting i subscribe to the writer, that way if they write something shorter/complete i can check out their writing style, and i’ll still get updates if the main fic is completed. then i save those update notifs until a time that i can get to them, so that they’re little reminders in my inbox:

i also keep lists of everything that i want to check out at some point. i try not to give myself deadlines (anymore) because i literally never stick to them when it comes to consuming content and i end up feeling like shit. i used to have like, “SUMMER 2016″ lists and shit with like seven movies and three shows and i’d never do any of it completely and that sad little list would just lie there. so instead now i try to just make lists, period. it’s like a humongous queue of things that i want to check out, and whenever i have the time/willingness for it, i refer to it.

and then i keep a list where i keep track of what i checked out.

i find that it’s less pressurising to make a separate list of what i accomplished as opposed to having a to-do list where you check things off. because like, get this. so you have a to-do that isn’t urgent, right? not like, groceries, dinner, dishes. for those it’s totally important to have a reminder right in front of you, like do your dishes brah. but for things like this, especially for someone like me who’s a flake and will say “i’m gonna watch this movie tonight” and then will literally stare in your face without a word the entire evening and not watch the movie, it’s really shit to have a “TO DO: THINGS TO READ” which just lies untouched for a month straight.

instead, i keep a reference list. and then, when i do something, i note it down. that way i satisfy my inner list monster like “i did a thing today!” and at the same time avoid the disappointment of staring at a pileup of titles that don’t have a strikethrough. this helps with everything that isn’t urgent tbh. if you can afford it practically, don’t make a “what i have to do” list. make a “what i did today” list. it actually helps you to stay positive.

NEXT. i also always, always, always invite recs from my friends. this part involves having exceptionally patient friends, because i always ask for recs. and then i never check them out. literally me checking out a rec is a once in a blue moon thing, so my friends ( @fyolette in particular, may the lord bless her) really have a calm mind because they still always send me things they think i’ll like. i’m eternally grateful for this, ETERNALLY.

so then i make a list of those. recs most commonly involve fics and music. i try to check out music recs within the day/week, and fic recs get tabbed on my favourite chrome extension ever: onetab.

boom. beautiful.

NEXT. how to retain all that Good Content™ that you binge? there’s no easy way, you have to figure it out on your own. before my depression hit i had an incredible memory and grasping power, basically reading through something once was enough to memorise it. this ability took a major hit in high school (which i nearly failed by the way, despite being one of the TOP students of my school), and i’ve never really come back to my full form. most days i fear that i never will, but i still have faith. it’s a long life. and hey, even if i don’t, i don’t shy from hard work. i’m willing to replace what was once natural intelligence with hours of manual labour if i have to. that’s a choice i’ll make.

personally, saying things out loud helps me lots. making flashcards for everything too. i like anki, it’s pretty clean and friendly, but i also struggle with screens when it comes to learning. for me the best way to learn something is to write it out by hand. there’s something about the motion of writing that permanently inks things in my head, so i try to do it whenever i can. i’m trying to shift to digital methods more, though, to save time/money/resources. i like having a split-view. i’ll open whatever i’m reading on one half of the screen, and a notepad on the other, and constantly paraphrase. paraphrasing really helps me. another fantastic thing is to highlight anything unfamiliar (technical jargon, unfamiliar names, cited works, even pop culture references that you don’t get) and make it a rule to google all of it at the end of your reading session. not immediately-- you’ll get sucked into the black hole that is wikipedia and leave your novel aside. do the reading first unless your highlighted term is essential to understanding, and then check out whatever you set aside. that way you understand your current content better, and also branch out into related topics.

i can go on about these tips for ages so if you have any specific questions/would like me to elaborate, hmu.

NEXT. your...actual...question...what content i keep up with...

so firstly, fic, because fic is life. i’m subscribed to: gentlestars, mindheist, porridgemilk, potter, retox, and rix. i’m also subscribed to a bunch of fics/series but would prefer to keep them private, so hmu off-anon if u’d like to know which ones!

i also kept up with OMGCP for an astonishingly long amount of time (for me) and then dropped off, but i do hope to catch up this summer. i adore OMGCP. i also started on WTNV the moment i realised that i’m good with audio stuff now, but i deliberately don’t binge it because its episodic narrative allows me to be sporadic, and WTNV is not something u binge. it’s something u feel in ur heart.

for music, i’m a mainstream hoe so spotify’s global top 50 is always great, i also love their daily mixes. spotify in general is fantastic, sometimes i like setting up a song radio and listening to similar music, it’s great. my cousin/best friend abhi always hits me up with fantastic music recs, he really knows my taste and knows when to insist that i listen to something. always ends up in my library.

the only thing i do on youtube is watch cooking videos and vine compilations honestly (btw nathan/ayitspnayo is the prince of my heart so i’m very much subscribed to him on snapchat, along with vice magazine and lemonde) but my favourites are sortedfood and peaceful cuisine. apart from those two the only channel i really keep up with on youtube is med school insiders. i love this dude. this dude is like my clip art older brother.

for shows i’m currently crawling through weightlifting fairy kim bokjoo, and waiting for narcos S3 and GOT S7. i want to binge either brooklyn 99 or it’s always sunny in philadelphia, or parks and recreation. i don’t know, something funny, u know. we’ll see.

of course it’s incomplete without a tumblr shoutout. i love lolmythesis, wizzard890, pyrrhiccomedy, fyolette, saintjoan and some others that i don’t follow but keep bookmarked to check regularly. also, pretty random, but reddit is fantastic for trivia and more-than-trivia. the todayilearned sub is gold.

so there u go! i’m sure i’ve missed out on some stuff (it’s 4 AM how did this happen i started answering this at 2) and maybe none of this is useful as opposed to half of it being useful, but i sincerely hope that there’s a miracle and ALL of it is useful to u. it’s never too late to start learning things, and i know that it’s overwhelming when u feel like u don’t have any kind of base so u don’t know where to start. like where does one start learning the history of everything. what does one do to get to the point where u know some obscure detail about nikola tesla’s life? i feel u! i feel u! but u gotta start somewhere. pick something that interests u and branch out from it. u can’t know Everything about Everything Ever anyway, so why not accept that from the get-go and spend ur time wisely learning about what u really want to learn about!

and it’s such a big world. i’m sure there’s so much you want to learn about.

youtube

#teesta talks for ts #this is...long #anons #replies

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monsters-of-nyc-blog · 7 years

Text

Monster AU Part 5: King George Interlude (Lams)

Alex checked his phone for the fifth time in the past five minutes. I'll be home in an hour, stay out of trouble. Alex groaned and threw his phone. He was hungry and he wanted his fucking pasta. He stood up grumpily and made himself a bowl of cereal. John was actually taking too much time in just picking the italian food four streets away from Alex’s apartment. It was just two plates of pasta, and anyways, what did he meant with stay out of trouble? It's not like anything could happen, right? Alex hummed quietly to himself, settling down at the table. He could swear he heard a noise at the window but when he looked, there was nothing there. He pushed it off as his lonely imagination and started eating. But soon enough, the silence in the apartment was interrupted by the sound of the crash of the window. Alex eyes were wide open, surprised by what just happened in a matter of seconds. And to make it even worst, it was not any ordinary enemy of his, it was the one and only “King” George. Alex rolled his eyes and leaned against the wall. “Oh it's just you. What the hell do you want? “ He asked, annoyed that the bastard had ruined cereal time. “Maybe I should’ve entered by the door, you’ll have to pay for that my friend!” The King said, mocking him. His annoying british accent was something Alex hated with all his soul, “I would’ve send a disciple or someone else but i need to make this a little bit more personal” The king walked toward Alex, “So, where’s your precious boss? We need to solve some… things” Alex laughed darkly. “Wait really? You think I'm going to tell you where he is? Hilarious. Leave. “ He pointed at his door and glared at the King. When he didn't move Alex rolled his eyes. “Or you could stand there like an idiot and just not get answers. Your choice. “ The King laughed, but this wasn't something to laugh about “Listen, Hamilton, I'm not here to play your stupid little games, okay? I really need to talk to Washington and I’m pretty sure you want to collaborate with me, instead of paying for the consequences” Alex took another step back,noticing he was now trapped against the wall with no way out. “Doesn't matter how bad you want to talk to him. You're not getting him. If he wanted to talk, you'd be talking. “ He cocked his head like a confused dog. “And what consequences? What can an old man like you do to me? “ “Old… Man” the king said, he was furious “Listen, boy, I am known for a lot of things, how I rule a whole empire of vampires, how I can make everyone bow to my feet, and especially… How i can get what i want” he said and his eyes turned into a dark shade of red. It was really quick, but now George was choking Alex holding him high up against the wall. “So now stop acting like a little bitch and tell me where the fuck Washington is.. “ Alex tried pulling off the king’s hands, much to no success. “I'm… Not.. Telling you.. “ he choked out. He kicked at George and growled angrily, eyes turning bright red. “Let me go asshole! “ “Asshole? You dare to call me an Asshole?!” The king shouted, and pulled out a silver knife, holding up so his victim could see it “Tell me where Washington is, now” Alex tensed up at the knife. Any ordinary knife would be fine, but one made of silver could actually kill him. He kicked his legs more, trying to touch the floor. “My answer is still… NO. “ It didn't matter to him whether or not he got stabbed. Washington told him he'd have a much worse fate if he ever revealed their base. Alex made a bad decision that night. The king smirked, he looked like a psychopath and he didn't have any good intentions. He needed to know where Washington is, his worst enemy, and what can you do instead of attacking straight up to your enemy? Attack what they love. “TELL. ME. WHERE. HE. IS. NOW” with every word, a cut was made into Alexander’s body, arms, chest, leg, and even when he finished talking he made 5 new cuts. “TELL ME, TELL ME, TELL ME” Three more cuts, the king really did everything he could to get what he wants. Alex whimpered loudly. It hurt like a bitch but he stayed quiet. 200 years of loyalty, he wasn't going to just stop. He flinched at every slice but kept his mouth shut, deciding just all out protesting was better than arguing. There was a heavy feeling in his chest. One that he didn't like and it was growing stronger the weaker he became. The king delivered more cuts in Alex’s body, screaming for the location of Washington, but when he saw Alexander with his mouth closed like doors, he knew he wouldn't talk. Twelve, twelve more cuts and heavy breathing “You’re not going to talk, aren't you?” Silence, and then The King sighed “Fine, as you wish” he dropped Alex on the floor and then walked away up to the kitchen, he opened the fridge and said ‘Bingo!’. There were five bags of blood Washington gave Alex every week. The king looked back at his victim and then, got his fangs out and drank through the bags in seconds “Lets see how you recover from that now” he dropped the bags on the floor and walked to the window “I always get what i want, Hamilton, always” and then jumped out. Alex stayed on the floor for a long time. He had his hand on his neck in shock. What the everloving fuck just happened. It hurt. Everything hurt. That never happened before. Alex didn't get hurt. Ever. He stared at the window, not even registering the bags we're lying empty around him. Where was john when he needed him? Tears started falling from his eyes before he could stop them. And the thought that he was weak enough to cry made him cry even harder. But before Alex could drop another tear out of his eyes, he heard to door, maybe that was the best sound he could ever hear in his whole life. “Babe! You won't believe what happened at the-” he heard the bags hitting the floor “ALEXANDER HOLY FUCK” His boyfriend ran up to him and kneeled down “JESUS CHRIST I LEFT FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF WHAT HAPPENED ARE YOU OKAY? GOD OBVIOUSLY YOU’RE NOT, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!” John had fear in his voice. Alex sniffled and continued staring at the window. “Old friend… Needed something. I guess I'm not much of a talker…. “ He reached up to wipe his eyes but cried out in pain from the cuts. “I wasn't too helpful. John it hurts I don't know what to do ,I don't… I don't get hurt. I feel so small like anyone could crush me. What the hell happened to me?. “ “Shh shh shh, baby d-dont talk don't say t-that!” John started kissing his boyfriend face, cheeks, nose, forehead, eyes, mouth, a bunch of small kisses that always made Alex feel better “You’re not small, you’re big, you’re strong, and the most important part is that i'm here, and i’ll never leave your side” John said, he felt so stupid, if he arrived just a minute earlier he could’ve helped. He felt useless, but now it was time to help “Alex, Alex you need blood, wait here” he ran up to the kitchen and checked the fridge, nothing, then he looked down and every bag they had left was empty dry on the floor “Did you drank them all? Oh God look at you of course you didn't, that sick bastard” he said and ran up to his boyfriend again “Alex please tell me what can I do” he cried. Alex let out a weak whine. “I need blood… He took it all. I'm too weak to go hunting. “ He felt pathetic, the feeling only growing stronger by the second. Of course there was always one way to get what he needed but it was an incredibly stupid idea and dangerous for the both of them. He pushed the idea to the side and hung his head. “I just want a hug… “ “Alex, n-no, you need blood” John said, he may not be a vampire but he wasn't stupid. He clearly knew what his boyfriend was thinking, and yes it was dangerous for both of them, but John would do anything for Alexander, anything. He holded his hair in a messy ponytail, pulled his shirt off and nervously, pointed his neck. Alex had bitten John before, but not for this kind of uses, just playful bites that didn't included his fangs. “Come on, drink up” Alex stared at John’s neck hungrily. “No, I can't it-it's too dangerous. “ John stared at him expectantly and Alex sighed. He wasn't too sure it would work but he decided it was better than nothing. He felt his fangs grow out and he crawled into John’s lap. He kissed the spot softly before biting into it and drawing blood. John at first felt relaxed, ‘this isn't thaaat bad’, but just a few seconds later he started feeling like if his soul was being sucked away, it was a burning feeling, it hurted a lot. John’s eyes turned brilliant gold because of the pain, he felt like if he was going to turn and he was trying so hard to control it. John started growling while Alex just drank his blood in a more painful way. Alex kept drinking from John, distracted by his sudden thirst. He wrapped his arms around John’s waist to pull him closer. His eyes were glowing at that point. John has fought a lot of creatures, he was even burned once because of a witch, but this kind of pain was uncomparable with anything else is his whole life. Not even turning in a full moon, which he thought that was the most painful thing for him, could be compared to this kind of pain. And it only got worse. John felt Alex holding him tight, like if he was his pray. He looked at the ceiling waiting for it to end but it didn't, they pain was so big he growled like a real wolf and he felt his fangs going out. “A-Alex that's enough” Alex whimpered like a child, holding him closer. “No!” He mumbled. He was losing control, like he would before John. “Don't wanna. “ STOP YOU'RE HURTING HIM! The voice inside him cried out, giving him a headache. “No. More. I want it all. “ you're going to kill him! “That's the point! “ Alex giggled. John only being able to hear the psychotic side of the conversation. Human Alex was desperately trying to claw his way through. John thought, ‘okay, just a little more, he almost dies’. He was suddenly crying while that pain in his neck was only growing. His breathing got heavy and started to sweat, ‘oh no’, he said to himself. His nails suddenly where sharp claws, and his teeth turned into fangs, this was the point when the pain was going to make him fully turn, so Alex needed to stop. John’s eyes glowed more and then he growled “I SAID, ENOUGH” and then pushed Alex away. Alex’s back hit the wall the king left him on. His eyes went back to normal and he seemed to come out of a daze. He saw John and put his hand over his mouth. “John! Did I do that to- oh fuck of course I did… Why are you looking at me like that?!” He squeaked, slightly scared. John’s eyes were still shining, it would take some minutes for him to go back to normal. He looked at Alex furious, and growled, making his boyfriend more scared. He breathed with his mouth open, Alex could clearly look at John’s fangs. “Be more fucking c-careful next time…” He stood up and walked up to his boyfriend “Are you better now?” EGGO Alex nodded quickly, staring at John with wide eyes. “I-i'm okay. Are you” “It hurts like a bitch” he answered, then he looked at his hands and sighed “It will take some minutes for this to disappear” John laughed and then looked back at his boyfriend with his shining golden eyes “I'm glad you’re okay” EGGO Alex smiled sadly. “I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened it's like I was suddenly a different person. It was terrifying. “ Alex paused and smiled wider. “You're eyes are pretty like that. You're pretty like that. “ John did felt like a beast every time his fangs, claws and real eyes were out. He smiled, showing his fangs, and blushed a lot “T-Thanks” he helped Alex get up “And i don't blame you… you were weak and almost dying, it's pretty normal” EGGO “I've never felt so weak and… Humiliated? In my life. He wasn't even doing anything bad, just choking ne and slicing me up but still, that shit is degrading sometimes. “ He buried his face in John’s chest. He hugged his small boyfriend, trying to be careful with the claws. “It's okay, I just want you to know that you are not weak, you’re one of the bravest and strongest people I know-” he was going to say something else, and then he realised “wAIT ALEXANDER DID YOU SAID SLICING?!” He pushed his boyfriend back so he could see him, and then growled again but this time by accident “... Sorry for that” Alex shrugged. “Your growl is only scary when I am being a dick… And oh this stuff? “ he looked at his scratched up, slightly bloody body. “It's… Nothing. So um. How about dinner? “ John smiled and then blinked a lot of times, his eyes came back to normal and so did his hands and teeth. “Thats a great ide-” he suddenly stayed quiet and then looked back at the bags at the floor, with all the pasta also on the floor “... I’ll call the chinese restaurant”

#lams #alexander hamilton #john laurens #king george iii #violence

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feistymichelletrashywriter-blog · 7 years

Text

Eat Don't Drink

I've been here working in the yard. It's all clear now - only a few vines & I've started planting vegetables and flowers. I'm starting everything from seeds.

Here is what is this about. I don't know what I'm about. Most people ignore me now and I'm not sure why, but I'm pretty sure that I don't want to know why, and even if I knew why, I wouldn't remember anyway. I'm a handful on my best of days. My best of days happened decades ago. I can hardly live with myself. And I'm not. Nobody is. Time is something that speeds by on a billion schedules, and patterns its way around the world in an interactive lacy web. Life billows. I get tired easily and right now I'm busy imagining the reality of slitting my wrists. I'm scared. I'm this tired because I hardly eat. Also, my brain has stopped functioning, which is exhausting. For once, this isn't on purpose. I haven't made it to the store yet, Jerry. I haven't made it anywhere at all. I have a past. Once, I had a mother and a father and a sister. I had a first husband. They're all dead. I am overwhelmed, usually because I'm on the floor, and everything is tall. I'm so hungry that when I try to eat I just puke, naturally. My throat and my fingers have been on a break. I feel like I'm washing away. I feel like a melting pile of snow. I feel like I should be in the forest, climbing redwood trees. I feel like I need a nap but I can't sleep. I want to die. I want to live. I want to live a different life. I want to write something good. But I don't know what good is, and I'm convinced that nobody knows what is good. I want to stop dwelling in the comprehensive state of my racing pulse, my speedy heartbeat. My mother's voice.

I am forty-three. My mother died when she was forty-three. She died right after surgery to remove her brain tumor. The last time I saw her, she was on a gurney, sedated, her long, curly brown hair looking like it was being mulled into a cap. I watched her being pushed, under a blanket, on the gurney, through blue hospital doors, that closed. That was the last time I saw my mother breathing. Two days later I saw my mother again. She was in a hospital room, dead. Her bed was against the east facing wall, and there was only one bed in the room. She still had that cap on her head. It was the only time I ever saw my mother's hair look so lifeless.

Now I am forty-three. I had surgery. I am still alive, technically. I often wonder if my mother and I had brains that weren't built to work for more than forty-three years.

I want to see flowers. I want to feel warm water. I want to feel waves crashing against my back. I feel stupid. I feel smart. Do I feel smart because I'm so stupid? I want to be happy. I want to eat. I want my hair to not fall out. I need a break. I need a brain. I want a break that lasts me the rest of my life and beyond. I don't want to remember being eight years old with my gymnastic teacher's hands in my pants. I want my hair back. I want my life back. I want a sandwich. I want ice-cream. I want to eat without the goal of puking into the nearest toilet. I want to sleep. Forever. I want to live happily. Indefinitely. I want to hold my newborn son, every one of these days. I want to be in love and mean it. I want to hide in a lake. I want to hide with fish. Instead I'm hiding where everyone can see me. I remember the blasting sound of my typewriter hitting cement after I threw it over my balcony. The paper on which I had been typing was still in my typewriter when it hit the ground.

This should have your special consideration. The lighter it is the better, but it must be strong. If you're going by air, remember that sixty six pounds. If you're going by boat, it is well to remember weight also. It is always better to be able to carry baggage, there may be no porter. You can ship extra baggage, of course, and it should be sent to the plane or ship at least twenty four-hours before your departure. Obtain labels for your baggage from ship or plane. For the boat, mark it "Wanted" or Hold". Do not lose your claim checks and be sure that your baggage is with you on plane or ship. It is recommended that all baggage be insured.

What do you do when you've lived your life and survived? Do you get a shotgun and kill yourself? Do you shoot yourself in the head? If so, how do you do it? Point at your temple? Or do you shove the gun down your throat, pointed up to get a good shot, to do the deed, seal the deal? Your arms are not long enough to hold a shotgun. Also, you don't have a shotgun.

You have: bleach, a box of razor blades you bought twenty years ago, at Flax, and a very sharp chef's knife. But the knife was a birthday present so it seems disrespectful to use it to slit your wrists. Plus, wrist slitting seems like an acute challenge and you've never been good with details.

There are many variables in something you've seen perfectly executed thousands of times, in films. In movies, most of the time, when people get killed they get killed with a bullet. Pills are for the wealthy. In movies, wealthy people are poor.

Jesus is not some abstract idea or person who died 2,000 years ago. He is alive. He said, "I will never leave you." He knows you cannot do it alone. We are too weak, every last one of us. Who do you know that really "has it together"? No one- not you, not me - there is no security here. No perfection here - yet- until he returns. There is no plateau that we reach on earth where everything is happy and harmonious because of our physical appearance, our home, our job our income - that is grasping at empty air and only in our spiritual life will we reach it -- only with Jesus accepting His Love -- in believing in Him can we experience that security & happiness that everyone seeks.

What you want to do is you want to put the gun in your mouth and pull the trigger. Die in the bathtub, or maybe a field of gravel. Surrounded by blood: trickling, splattering, dripping. Sticky hair, messy. But not too messy, the point is to die with as little mess as possible, hence the bathtub. And a field doesn't require a heartache of cleanup. Death is nature.

It's a method of problem solving. It's a process of a set of rules. It's Wikipedia. They trick you. They teach you your times tables, and that x=0 but they never call it a language or reveal that zero actually means nothing other than nothing.

Meanwhile, at night, when you lie in bed, concentrate on the areas that bother you (your sinuses) let your mind sort of float through your sinuses. Then feel that the spirit of the lord is flowing there, soothing & healing - drying up your sinuses (you can even try it at work when you are troubled). You can ask Him to remove the pain. Just say, "Please, Jesus, take away my suffering." Just try it.

It's like when I would wait to take calls, like from the guy in Santa Clara who got raped when he was thirteen. While riding home from school, he got pulled off his bike. That man paid me $1.99 a minute to listen to the story and I was never given an algorithm for that. He raped himself every day, having unprotected sex with strangers, and then paid me to hear the stories. I could not fix him.

It took a lot of years to understand algorithms and I still don't. I was never very good with math. That's where they trick you. It's not about math or numbers or logic. It's not, but they trick you. Logic. They throw around so many terms, all the terms, and they leave you. You wonder what the words mean: are they word problems? Calculus? Blind luck?

1988 I've been here working in the yard. It's all clear now - only a few vines & I've started planting vegetables and flowers. I'm starting everything from seeds. We are on meth, and I'm looking really great. I'd gotten down to 114 pounds, I hadn't been at that weight since I was like fourteen years old. That was two years ago.

I once read a book where the lady had to get dressed at a man's house, and borrow his clothes, and when she put on his boxers it felt really nice that they were so big on her. She had to roll the elastic top over so the boxers would stay up. I know how she feels. Well, I wish I did. Sometimes I buy clothing a size or even two sizes too big so they'll hang loose on my hipbones. I have a thing about hipbones. Later my best friend would say I only dated "angular" men.

The loose fabric makes me feel smaller, tiny, itsy-bitsy. My father called me Skinny Minny the other day and it was his only fleeting compliment that's ever made me feel that good.

Danny's going to be here any minute. Every day I listen for the engine of the 350 in his Camaro. I have this thing. I can pinpoint voices and car engines, both of which can sooth me or make me break out in a cold sweat. Our house is located on a corner with a stop sign. I hear a lot of cars.

It's our six month anniversary. He's really into me, and I like him too. He can beat up anybody. Everybody at school, and other schools, are afraid of him. People are afraid of me, too, but I have no idea why, other than I get in a lot of trouble at school, when I go. When I went.

There is a store in San Jose called People's Pants. It's the only place in the entire Bay Area that sells the ziparound pants that I like. Now that I'm 114 I can zip a size two around me.

The pants look great. I have a white tank top to wear with them. I forgot from where I stole the top. I wait for Danny to pick me up.

2013

*July 28, 1963 Florence, Italy Weather: Warm In the morning we went to the Uffizi Gallery. Spent about 3 hours there looking at some of the most beautiful paintings we have seen yet. I especially enjoyed Michelangelo's "Holy Family" and Botticelli's "Birth of Venus." *

This is my second life. We're not supposed to live this long. We're supposed to be dead by the time we're thirty-eight. And that's an old statistic. Sometimes I wonder if I'm still in my younger body because I missed something. I'm younger than they are now. By a long shot. Five years is a world of difference. Add another five or six on there and there you are, snorting lines with someone who's never heard of Steely Dan. Then you turn around and your window is gone. All you have are years.

My first word was machine.

1988

We are on crank, and I'm looking really great. I'd gotten down to 119 pounds, I hadn't been at that weight since I was like fourteen years old. That was two years ago.

When I was three we had a house in Trinidad, California, where our backyard was an expanse of redwood trees from our yard, way past the border of Oregon. We had stories. We had a lighthouse. We had fairies in tree ears and a darkroom in our garage. We had poppies and a Ford. When we were driving, my dad would flick his cigarette out the window and point out flower fields. At home, he often told us that he was becoming an archaeologist and that's why we were living in Humboldt County. Then he would take a syringe and go into the bathroom.

The best part about that Ford was the floor of the front right seat. I would sit in my mothers's lap. There was a hole in the floorboard, about the size of a large and torn receipt. I would look down between my feet, and my mother's feet too. I would lean down, my mother's hands on my shoulders, and look through the hole in the floor of the station wagon, the patterns of grey concrete, gravel, and tar, sliding beneath us.

There is a kind of light that is transcendent an infinite amount of times because it is unique to the interpretation of every individual. A glowing light, the light of waking up outside, thirty minutes after dawn. Fluorescent lights over a cubicle or a grocery store aisle--all the lights become so indefinite they are impossible to explain. There is a moment where the light is transcendent because we know it's part of us. I think that is why we question the stars.

1977

Dear Mother, I finally have a few minutes to write. We have been so busy with the pictures. It's getting to be an every day, all day thing. We are either making pictures or Bob is out selling them and I am catching up on my laundry & housework & trying to do something with the kids. I really should go to the store now, walk to the mall, and get milk and dinner for Bob. He is in Trinidad selling now.

See you at on Jesus' Birthday!!

The dogs were called Rabbit and Sunshine. They saved my life but I don't remember that. I was hardly one year old. We were camping on the beach. We always camped on the beach because we never had a house. My mother woke up and she saw my little footprints in the sand, walking straight out to the ocean. And then the footprints were gone. And so were the dogs. There were dog footprints too, and all the trails were vanishing with the ebb of every wave. It must have been early, daybreak. On the coast that is a very bright light.

1977/1997

I was six. My mother and I were walking up 17th Street, in San Francisco. Seventeenth Street is one of those steep, winding hills that goes straight up to another hill. I was wearing my favorite red jumper, the one my mother made me, and those red sandals, the ones that I still wore even though they were two sizes too small. I was holding my mother's hand as we reached the top of the hill.

I looked down over the City. The pointy houses poked into the blue sky. The bay seemed so still and wet, as if the artist had just finished painting the water.

Still holding my mother's hand, we stepped into the crosswalk. I looked over and up into the gleaming grill of a green Chevy Camaro. It gently rolled into me, and I remember experiencing the strangest sensation, like the bottom of my body was being sucked under the Kermit green mass of metal. Then I heard my mother screaming and pounding the hood of the Camaro. The car stopped and my mother grabbed me, hysterical, but she always kind of was.

"Are you okay?" Are you okay?" she asked, one hand gripping my shoulder the other hand gripping my wrist. She was always very uneven.

I was okay, but I had lost one of my shoes. Those were my favorite shoes.

Not a lot of people have hazel eyes anymore, but my mother did. A dark turquoise, with brown specks, long brown lashes. Curly red brown hair. More brown now than red.

When she calmed down I looked up into the peering faces of a group of people. There were two women in long printed skirts--pastels, floral--and two men wearing shirts with ties. They were together, couples, two couples. Four of people.

The man in the red tie told my mother that God had saved her child from death. The other three people agreed, enthusiastic. After my sister died my mother thought I was some kind of holy child, so, she agreed to come to their church, and then looked at the bridge and thanked God for sparing me.

I never knew my father, but I didn't care. My mother was all I needed. She would take me to work with her at Free Love Fabrics. After Kindergarten, every day, at 12:30, there she was. And on weekends we would go to Golden Gate Park.

But not that Sunday. As I was lacing my shoes (new red shoes, a gift from Jesus), my mother came into my room and told me to change into something nice. She told me that we were going to church. If I went nicely, she promised me ice-cream after church, at Bud's.

We went to church. The building was white and pointy, with chipping paint. There seemed to be an endless amount of cement steps that led to two large wooden doors that opened into the church. As soon as we stepped inside, a woman appeared and asked if we were new, obviously knowing that we were. She had bright blonde hair pulled back into two pink plastic barrettes, like I wore. Her lips were red and her eyelids were blue. She wore a pink shirt, buttoned to her neck, and around the collar hung a gold cross. The cross had roses on it, around the edges.

"I'm Minnie, the Christian Girls' Sunday School Teacher." She grabbed my hand and led me through The Church. The Church was unlike anything I had ever been enclosed in, but just like all the churches I saw afterward.

She kept leading me, between two long rows of benches. On the back of each seat perched a big blue book with HYMN printed in gold. The floor descended as we approached the front of the large room, which caused me to trip over my new, now untied, shoelaces. Nevermind that. She drug me down, through the rows, down the stairs, into a subterranean room, under where the pastor stood on a stage.

Sunday School. The first thing I saw was a piece of art on the wall. A man with only a cloth draped below his protruding hips. He hung on a cross. His hands were nailed to the cross. I'd seen Jesus on a cross before, but never with nails and blood. Before, he always seemed to be just floating up to heaven.

I took a few steps closer to the painting. Up close, I saw blood dripped from little black holes in his wrists. Wrapped around his head was a prickly looking hat, and blood seeped from there as well. His feet were also nailed to the cross and blood pooled around his toes. The man's ribs stuck out, pointing at me. His eyes glowed yellow, following me wherever I went.

Where I went was a plastic orange chair that Minnie pushed me into. Minnie forced me into. Then she pushed me and the chair toward a round table, like the one we had in our kitchen. As she pushed, the metal legs scraped the concrete floor, like a scream. I was starting to wonder if an ice cream cone from Bud's was worth church.

There were five girls at the table. They stared at me. They were all older. I saw the same look in their eyes that I saw in those of the fifth graders at school, those girls who like to follow you down the hall and laugh at you while making fun of your homemade dress.

I focused on Minnie. She was giving me my first Bible lesson. I learned the story of Abraham and Isaac. Abraham was married to a woman who had a produced him one son, named Issac. Then she was barren, which meant she couldn't have any more sons. Isaac was about thirteen years old when an angel asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac to God. Abraham was reluctant, but he said okay.

As Abraham was about to throw his son, Isaac, into a fire pit (Minnie showed us a picture), the angel appeared again and said it was all just a test of Abraham's faith. The moral was, we should all be willing to sacrifice our children if God so wishes. If my mother decided that God was her father, I hoped God never asked my mother to prove her devotion.

Finally, Sunday School was over. I looked anxiously to the door, expecting my mother to be waiting, just as she was after a day at Kindergarten. But she wasn't there. The other girls from the table were huddled in a corner, and I knew they were laughing at me. I could tell because every few seconds they would look at me, then try to pretend to hide their giggles. I felt, for the first time, self conscious. My red jumper seemed babyish and my new shoes seemed too new, and why did my mother put my curly hair in pigtails?

I felt my eyes sting tears, and my throat start to close down. I was trying hard not to cry, and my throat hurt from it. Crying in front of these Christians would only give them more incentive to make me miserable. Then my mother appeared in the door way. She smiled at me as I walked past her into the hallway, and away from the young Christian girls, Minnie, and Jesus Christ.

My mother knelt down and looked up at me, her hazel eyes a bright, bright green. "How are you?" she asked.

I looked down at her. "Can we get ice cream now?"

My mother took my in her arms and whispered, "It will be better next week."

That night I didn't dream of fairies. I was running through a tall field of grass. The sky reflected neither day or night. Though there was no water near me, I felt as if I were wading through ocean waves. In the back of me were the Christian girls from Sunday School. They were laughing, pointing, spitting at me. Each one had long blonde hair, parted in the middle, like Marsha Brady. In front of me was Jesus Christ, holding out his bloody hands. His stomach looked like those of the starving children on TV. I was flustered because I couldn't decide if I should go forward to Jesus or back to the Little Christians. I was sure Jesus Christ was hiding underneath my bed, so I ran down the hallway to my mother's room, afraid he was following me.

Earlier, when my mother came into my room to tuck me in, I asked her to tell me a story, I hadn't heard one in a long time. She was quiet for a moment.

She pushed my hair behind my ear, her long fingers soft on my skin. "Those stories we used to say, what I said, those stories are Pagan and would not please God."

I scrunched up my eyes, my fingers, and my toes. "But what about the fairies' ears?"

My mother stroked my ear. "How about I listen to your prayers? Remember, if you don't remember all of your sins you won't go to heaven."

I couldn't remember all of my sins. A few days ago I forgot to pick up blackberries that had fallen off the bush and into the yard. Was that a sin? I turned on my side and bit my lip. After a bit my mother stood and walked across my room, her slippers scraping the wood floor. The door shut and she was gone.

I've been here before. Some of the staff know me. I don't know them. I don't know myself. A few months ago, in April, (it is now October) I had surgery. That surgery took place in this hospital. They took out my gall bladder. I don't miss it. What I do miss is my memory, which also was removed during that surgery. I remember being in my thirties, kinda. I am now forty-three.

It's okay to be judgmental. However, it only is acceptable to be judgmental toward people who are deemed to have problems with things like drinking, and other habits that people give up on Mondays and January First. Like eating.

I've told people I've got an eating disorder. For decades, I throw up every day. When I mention this to anyone, which I rarely do, my words are meant with a look of confusion, a change of subject, and is never, ever brought up again. People don't have this reaction when you say you drink every day. Alcoholism is an acceptable subject for judging. Bulimia is not.

Because you can judge a drinker. It's easy because everyone's been shitfaced. So you know. You understand. You are very aware of the ins and outs of drinking or using drugs. But you're stronger because all you retained were a few hangovers.

When it comes to surreptitiousness, judgement, and, most of all, help, eating disorders are still hidden. Justified. Pitied. Ignored. Everybody eats.

"Hello?" The soft voice comes through the brown door, with the thudded sound of knuckles tapping wood, three times. The silver industrial handle has no lock and the handle rests a tad too much to the right. In Saint Mary's Hospital, everything is crooked.

When I hear the knocks, I'm reading Facebook. People have such pretty lives.

It is the voice of a doctor. The doctors have different voices than nurses, and the doctors always open the door as they say my name. Nurses knock, then walk in, softly.

"Michelle?" The door opens.

I am on day eight in Saint Mary's. I know this hospital is called St. Mary's because when I look through my window, down four floors and to the right, I see the neon LED sign that spans the entrance to the emergency room. Saint Mary's, in a bright, glowing red. I am in room 407. That's me. 407.

I know I'm a writer but all I can read is music. And now I sing. I sing a lot and I write music. When I hear myself sing, I remember that my voice is horrible.

My current stay is based on a seizure, the concluded result of alcohol withdrawls. I know this is can only partly be true. I had had a couple of shots of vodka less than twelve hours prior to the violent seizure that led me here. The seizure that took place while I was attending an AA meeting. I only went the the meeting so I could honestly say I did to people who have no fucking clue what the fuck their judging about. I know AA very well. My father and two of his brothers preached about it for decades, until they died from overusing alcohol and heroin.

I've heard the nurse explain 407 to other nurses. This happens when a new nurse takes a night or morning shift. I hear these conversations, as they take place, usually, a few feet from where I'm staring at the ceiling from my hospital bed. At St. Mary's. What has struck me as interesting, repeatedly, is that I swear all of these conversations have taken place in Spanish. They haven't. But they have. I don't speak Spanish.

January 8, 1990

HEY WHAT'S UP? Not much here. Sorry I haven't written. I've been busy with Danny. I told you I'd get him! I've been wired all weekend. I haven't eaten. Last night me & Danny saw Scrooged. He's so nice. He's got a Camaro! My favorite. I'm usually very picky. I just can't stand his bell bottoms that he wears all the time. He's *almost the perfect boyfriend. He's got drugs most of the time. He's always got pot. I got my Ozzy ticket. I'm so stoked!! *

June 16th 1963 New York City, New York Hot, very sticky, but no sun

We arrived at La Guardia Airport in New York around noon & then took a taxi to the Paramount Hotel in the heart of the city. After we settle in the hotel 3 others and I went to the matinee at the Radio City Music Hall, then at lunch is an "automax" recommended by our taxi driver. After dinner we took the subway to the empire State Build. When arriving on our floor at the hotel saw Kim Johnson who was in route to Europe. He and 3 others took Paula & I to Greenwich village, we went to a coffee house and then to "The Room at the Bottom."

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