#My brothers have abused me for years and given me bad trauma and trust issues but dad was just not there

[mrfoox]

Fucking ridiculous. I'll literally spent months without seeing friends or talking to them and I still won't feel this level of absolute loneliness and despair :')

#miranda talking shit #I feel like I'd be able to spend time at this place fine if the people who have damaged me isnt here #But they are and ugh... No. #I think i feel ... Extra bad bc dad has started to act... Friendly towards me and i hate it #You were never there when i grew up you never helped me supported me or raised me you do not have the right to act like we are on good term #Its a recent year sort of thing to like... Oh it took 20+ years for you to realize you have another daughter ? That's a bit fucking late #He sends me messages and shit online too and i hate it. I usually dont open them like... Hes the one person i basically cant see myself #Fully forgive. Technically his 'crime' was the least bad/minor but considering he was an grown adult lol no #My brothers have abused me for years and given me bad trauma and trust issues but dad was just not there #No he didnt have that excuse he was there. He lived here. He was married to mom. But he never spent any time with any of us #He never took care of us or did anything with us unless mom forced him to go with her. If he wasnt around at all id be more forgiving #Its that he was but couldn't fucking bother to care for.. Know or love his children that i cant forgive #And how he treated mom. Mom deserves better . The amount of times she have cried bc of him through my years growing up #I hate it. I wanted to spend the last possibly 5-10 years of keeping away from him and ignore him as much as im able til he dies then cry #On his funeral then just support my mom. No instead he does this shit. I cant handle it how he acts like all is fine #You dont have the right to start acting like you care after 25 years. You had so much time to do so earlier #You dont actually care you just want to make mom happy #Negative

[yesthisismycurrenthyperfixation]

🕷Spider becoming a Harley Queen guy.

The torture with the machine, the way of upbringing, the only person who cares about him is the villain, his fault. He begins to hear voices. And instead of helping him, they send him to the humans where they don't help him either, he ends up with the RDA again, but they don't notify Quaritch. He escapes and grabs weapons and goes on a rampage.

He locks himself in a room to send a message to the scientists. Living so many years with expert scientists in different areas has given him skills. He knows how to make a bomb.While the bomb is creating her, she makes a video, her hair is shaved, without blue markings, thinner and whiter. Maybe smoking.

And he begins to tell his truths to Jake, Neytiri, the scientists, and his adoptive parents. He was a baby when it all happened, and a child when he realized that no one really cared. Children know, children listen."You just wanted a reason to treat me badly, because you couldn't direct your hatred towards my father. yes, I called him father, because he did more in 4 months than any of you in 16 years" no 17, I have 17 years. .... I forgot my birthday.

Cries and laughs at times.

As he finishes connecting cables for the pump, he speaks directly to his brothers. He loves them, he misses them. But he is the oldest, he has to take care of them. He gives some advice to Kiri, Tuk, Lo ak and Neteyam.He repeats that he loves them. But it has to stop the RDA.

Send whatever you can get on the computers to help make plans.

And even a message to Quarith ago, he wished their time together had been longer.And he knows in his heart that he would have saved him. Trust him. see him.

He says goodbye as Grace and Jake finish their journals.

Miles Spider Socorro Quarith says goodbye.

■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■

BONUS

The message is seen by the entire Sully family, and some other Navi and scientists who had gathered at the Metkayina home to study the things that were left on the ship. Kiri was on her knees, at the end of the recording, she began to scream while being hugged by Tuk who is the same...Lo ak had to be put up with because he wanted to attack Jake, the scientists anyone. Neteyam ran out, his brother must have been dead right now but he must see. He flew off in his Ikran.

Quaritch He also saw the message, feels that a part died, hits trees, cries and screams in pain. His Ikran screams with his rider.

Anon, thank you for this prompt. I hope this is kind of what you are looking for. Also I’m assuming you meant Harley Quinn Spider so that is what this AU will be called.

I hope you enjoy these thoughts and the oneshot. Your bonus with everyone's reactions will be coming soon.

Harley Quinn Spider!

One thing to know about me is I am a huge fan of True Crime. Podcasts, documentaries, shows, movies, etc… I love everything True Crime. While reading this prompt my love of True Crime was going crazy and here is why.

People can only handle so much before they break! With everything Spider has gone through in his life; being orphaned at such a young age, the neglect, the abuse, knowing he was never loved or wanted, then add on the torture, the head trauma/injury from the machine, gaining a villain father figure, etc… it’s a miracle Spider hadn’t snapped earlier. In this prompt Spider has started having mental health issues, hearing voices probably caused my the machine and brain damage, and never received the help he so desperately needs. No instead he is shoved aside and neglected once again.

Anyone that enjoys True Crime knows that all of these things put together is a recipe for disaster. I'm not saying everyone that has suffered will become bad, infact most will not, but for the sake of this AU things will be different. Spider would have run, would have isolated himself and it was this isolation that would have given the RDA the chance to stumble upon him and capture him for the second time. And the RDA wouldn’t have given Spider the help he needed either. Quaritch would have if he had known which is why Ardmore never told him she had his kid.

It was only a matter of time before Spider escaped, taking out as many people as he possibly could before finding the perfect lab to lock himself up in. Spider grew up around RDA technology so locking and disabling the door would have been child’s play for him. Plus no one ever watched what Spider researched as a kid so the fact he could make a bomb isn’t surprising, why do you think he locked himself in a lab?

Spider knows he isn’t going to survive regardless of what happens next. This knowledge is very freeing. Nothing is stopping him from saying everything he wants to, everything he has always wanted to but has never been brave enough to say.

Opening a wideband signal, one that is being broadcast across all of Pandora, Spider turns on a webcam. The sight of himself is so shocking at first that Spider merely stares. When he was caught, for the second time, Ardmore had his hair buzzed off. She also had his stripes scrubbed off and had forced him into human clothes. White tank and grey sweatpants, both now stained in sprays of red from his escape.

He was pale, lack of sun will do that, and thinner than he had ever been before. Dark circles stood out like bruises under his eyes. A start contrast to his chapped and cracked lips.

Unable to look at himself any longer Spider looked down at the material in his lap. “For those of you that don’t know me, my name is Miles “Spider” Socorro Quaritch. I was born and raised here on Pandora. Not loved, not cared for, merely tolerated by everyone. And most of the time not even tolerated. I can’t even tell you how many times I was attacked by the mother of my best friends and siblings.” Spider looked into the camera again. “That’s right Neytiri, I’m talking to you. What gave you the right to hate me? What gave you the right to verbally and physically abuse me time and time again. I never did anything to you or the Na'vi. I was an innocent child. By your own beliefs I should have been treated differently. All children are blessings in the eyes of Eywa, I only wished you followed what you claimed to believe.”

Tears streamed down sallow cheeks, even as Spider laughed. “Not that Jake was much better. He watched me get abused time and time again and did nothing. Never made Neytiri stop, never made the scientists stop, never made the Na'vi stop. Hell, the McKoskers didn’t treat me right either. The number of injuries that were passed off as me being clumsy… how did no one question that? How did no one notice the constant injuries vanished after the McKoskers left? Seriously looking back at my life, it’s surprising I didn’t end it all sooner.”

“But I've realized, you just wanted a reason to treat me badly, all of you, all because you couldn't take your hatred out on my dad.” A smile spread across Spider face as tears continued to fall. “Yes, I called Quaritch my dad. That's what he is. Dad did more for me in 4 months than any of you did in the 16 years I was in your care. I’m only 16… no 17, I’m 17 years old now, I forgot my birthday.” A wild unhinged laugh escaped before Spider abruptly sobered.

“Dad, I just want you to know that I love you. We didn’t get a lot of time together but what we did have was the best few months of my life. Thank you for showing me what having a parent really felt like. Thank you for loving me, for putting me first, for choosing me, for seeing me. Dad, I miss you so much.”

Silence reigned for a few minutes as Spider finished building the detonation device he had been working on this whole time. With a beep it came online. Spider set it down on the table between him and the camera.

“This last bit is for my siblings. Neteyam, Kiri, Lo'ak and Tuk. The 4 of you are the best sibling I could ever ask for. I love you all and miss you. I wish I could see you again but someone has to stop the RDA, someone has to protect you. I can do that. It’s my job as the oldest sibling to protect you, my younger siblings. That’s my duty. I love you. Please, find my dad and take care of him. He'll have no one once I’m gone and he deserves a chance, a real chance. My dad was starting to see and I know he will see one day if given the chance. Please, for me give my dad a chance. Dad take this chance.”

“Well, this is my first and last video log. So, this is Miles “Spider” Socorro Quaritch signing off. Goodbye.”

The screen froze on a picture of Spider looking into the camera, face red and blotchy from crying. Eyes sad and empty with a small, lopsided smile spread across his face. It would be the last picture anyone ever saw of Spider alive. A picture of the boy so many failed and so few loved.

Bonus: coming soon

#spider socorro #avatar the way of water #miles spider socorro #Harley Quinn Spider

[obsidianstrawberrymilk]

My issue with Korra isn’t that the characters were uninteresting tbh - it’s that they were the exact opposite of that. There was so much room for exploration. Avatar was such a good show (with flaws) because developed it’s characters fantastically (up until Aang’s S3 arc, which could have been handled a lot better imo) - they took the troupes it would’ve been easy to resort to - naggy mom friend, happy go lucky kid, badass girl, edgy guy - and showed the complexities behind them. Aang hides the loss of literally his entire life behind his cheerfulness, and it’s shown how he snaps, gets angry and runs away. Toph’s entire persona is carefully crafted to defy the helpless role she’s been cast in her whole life - she’s not just badass, but badass purposefully. Zuko has a desperation born of years of abuse behind his angst. Katara has survivor’s guilt and trauma, forced parentification, and rage behind her hot temper and mothering, and is allowed to explore those. Sokka is goofy, but he’s intelligent, cunning, and it’s shown how his goofy façade hides his insecurities over his own skills and masculinity.

Korra never gave it’s characters room to breathe. We never got the chance to see who they were past the love triangles, too-fast plots that were dropped after one season, and robots for some reason. Mako was introduced as the edgy love interest, and despite how interesting his backstory is and all the potential behind it (especially with his parallels to Katara - he has so many!!), that’s who he stayed. Bolin, same as the goofy comic relief. Asami, she just... has no real personality. She’s... strong willed. Sometimes she’s angry, I guess. There’s never anything even to hold onto with her - her feelings over her mother’s death are never really explored, nor are her relationships with really anyone sans her romantic bonds with Korra and Mako. Her scenes with her father in S4 showed hints to some potential, but it wasn’t enough to make me invested in a character I had spent three seasons up till now looking at as a blank slate - the Token Badass Nonbender, and that’s that. Jinora’s one of the more interesting characters on the show, but there was a lot more room to explore her insecurities surrounding if she can live up to her grandfather’s legacy, her spirit abilities, and Kai and their relationship especially.

Really, it’s just... Mako’s parents were killed in front of him when he was eight, and then he was forced to basically raise Bolin without a home. Bolin had no stability in his life for most of it, and his only real trusted figure was his two years older brother. Korra is an avatar who was never given a chance to develop any identity outside of that, seeing the world, one carved from the ashes of imperialism and genocide, for the first time. Asami has a father who manipulates her and works with terrorists, but unlike Ozai with Zuko and Azula, genuinely loves her. Even within just these four there are such interesting ways you could go. But Korra was really the only one allowed to develop at all, and even then, for some reason she has to be brutally tortured to... ‘humble’ her? Like, I did like that arc, but there’s also some... things going on there.

Maybe there could have been an episode like the Southern Raiders but for Mako, where he and idk Asami? anyone really, hunt down the firebender who killed his parents, and he’s forced to confront the source of his trauma that started it all. Maybe we could have a storyline about the Triple Threats, Mako and Bolin’s time with them, how bad their circumstances were and some of the things they were forced to do. Maybe something like The Beach but for Asami, letting her crack and break about her complex feelings towards her father. We could have seen more of Mako being an older brother to Kai, Kai’s development from selfish and flightly to kinder and more grounded with Jinora. Maybe we could have been shown more of Kai’s backstory - his parents? Idk.

Korra, of course, would still need to be the focus. Maybe something like Nightmares and Daydreams but darker, like, towards the end of every season to explore how the pressure and trauma from being the avatar is negatively affecting her. Idk.

Just... let the characters develop. Breathe. Be people and not just caricatures or placeholders, yk? This goes for Jinora, Ikki and Meelo, Kai, the Krew, the adults, everyone - Korra had four seasons. Maybe not time for everyone, but at least for more than they gave. At least time for the main four.

#legend of korra #avatar #korra #mako #asami sato #bolin #jinora #kai #character development #or lack of it #just let them be people yk?? #let them have trauma #let them have depth #let them grow beyond love interests of comic reliefs #not to mention all the political and thematic exploration korra moved to fast to cover but whatever ig #legend of korra critical #lok #lok critical

[kudzucataclysm]

Hello! I am here to ask about S!E :]

I don't know more than I do know, so here's a recap of the things I do know:

There was an apocalypse thingie and martians are now a thing

Francis is part martian, full of rage and used as a weapon consistently

There's a tiny little guy that's full of love, anger and trauma. Somebody help him please

Francis has Martian relatives/cousins that are assholes

Little guy (you may have caught on to the fact that I keep forgetting his name) is also very abused

Martian age is weird. They age more quickly if needed but sometimes not (?)

The US is even more fucked than it usually is, given the apocalypse and all

I would be absolutely delighted to know more about any of these points! Sorry for forgetting the little guy's name, my memory is just like that. I have adopted him though he's my little guy

HIIII i absolutely love this question!! and dw we are all forgetful here but im afraid you'll have to fight @impaledlotus for custody of the little guy v-v my bad

HERE WE GO

There was an apocalypse thingie and martians are now a thing

There were TWO APOCALYPSES ACTUALLY!! Yes indeed, you heard right; the 1962 nuclear exchange AND the 1962 yellowstone supervolcano eruption that Lupe Altena managed to kiiiind of stop from happening. Then Martians invaded in the 80s and basically went “damn bitch you live like this???” to humanity and colonized earth with the goal of 'wildlife management'. You cant just let your new food source kill itself off through dumb decisions!! Thatd be very…counterproductive lol

but i suppose Gabriel's Arrow was also considered an apocalyptic event of sorts? when theres a global outbreak of superpowers that affected 40% of the population (800,000,000 people YEESH), there was significant societal upheaval for a solid decade or so, with the cold war on top of everything..i think it'd depend on the historian! and trust me the history textbook no the 20th century in SE is 30 pounds and historians are required to undergo annual psychological evaluations :D a LOT happened in a century or so

Francis is part martian, full of rage and used as a weapon consistently

that is correct! she is a chimera, and one that is half human half martian (with really weird abilities that other chimeras don’t have have hm 🤔). and yes she is EXTREMELY angry becuz her entire life has been absolute shit- she isn’t seen as a person but a weapon and a monster instead, so she doesnt really know how to act like a kid! she also has severe PTSD, possible BPD, anger issues, a bit of sociopathy, SELF INFLICTED AMNESIA, and a plethora of other things going on. every adult in her life has failed her, none more so than her aunt/adoptive ‘parent’ FRIDAY…but that shall be explored more in the story unless u want more info on that

There's a tiny little guy that's full of love, anger and trauma. Somebody help him please

thats Desmond!!! the goodest boy :3 and uh yeah 😔 what kind of monster would hurt a child like this 😶‍🌫️

Francis has Martian relatives/cousins that are assholes

millions of em actually!! or at least several tens of thousands…her dad gets around a lol 😅 and maybe in particular you’re talking about Oz, her twin? yeah he’s an asshole. a bastard even >:D

Little guy (you may have caught on to the fact that I keep forgetting his name) is also very abused

He is 😔 emotionally, verbally and mentally by his dad and older brother ever since his oldest sibling Happy left and his mom had a huge accident that has left her in the hospital almost all the time. he is also neglected. tis all very sad but there IS a lowkey fucked up reason as to why his dad treats him as he does. but thats SECREEEET

Martian age is weird. They age more quickly if needed but sometimes not (?)

it depends on their environment and who’s in it! the average modern Martian is completely matured within 3 years- they used to reach maturity by 4-6 months (back in the Martian STONE AGES). however, both Martians and chimera can age slower if raised by a human or in extremely safe, nurturing conditions (Martians can’t age as slow as chimeras can tho).

francis was raised (for most of her life) by a human, so she’s 15 years old physiologically and mentally. her twin oz, raised by martians, is 30 years old physiologically despite them both coming from the same egg :D

The US is even more fucked than it usually is, given the apocalypse and all

yeeeeaaaah the US is disincorporated. disenfranchised. split up. GONE

well mostly. the west coast was annexed by the political-military alliance of south east asia, and alaska was given to russia/the ussr as ‘compensation’ for uh the weather terrorism that the US did. yay!

las vegas, nevada is now LAS NEVADAS and is it’s own independent city state just like Necropolis. it’s a capitalists wet dream and it’s controls almost the water in the west

the midwest, where most of the nukes fell iiiiis wasteland. the (contains) yellowstone eruption literally blew open the continental shelf under the mainland US and now it’s an irradiated wasteland where WEIRDOS live. that’s where Desmond comes from :D

the south east has been lost to a virulent strain of parasitic KUDZU as well as feral Martians and feral DINOSAURS. yes, we brought em back. yes, you can have them as pets (for a cooool 5$ million). so nobody goes there unless like, you’re going on a safari hunt or something. people live there but they’re extremely isolated and kinda dangerous

the northeast-mid atlantic is all that’s left of “The United States of America” and it’s a corporate police state that’s under constant martial law thats under the rule of a president grown in a lab in the middle of nowhere…who is ALSO under supervision of two major foreign powers. except for NECROPOLIS WOOOO

Necropolis (the N.E.C or ‘The Nec(k)”) is the main setting for Arc 1, and is a GIGANTIC CITY made out of alien “living metal” and other Martian bullshit technology that combines all of the entire New York tri-state metropolitan area. Theres MARTIANS, MUTANTS, ADP MONSTERS!! And ofc, chimera :D so how does everyone manage to not kill each other?? the giant UFO thats constantly hovering over the city, and govt funded/backed 'superheroes'

But yuuup thats the state of the US in SE vv’ its a mess. No one wants to live here tbh (unless youre a criminal mastermind or hypercapitalist or something. weird!)

aaaa i had fun answering these! i hope i answered all your questions just fine, but if theres anything else you wanna know plz dont be afraid to ask :D

#kudzu responds #shattered earth #WEEEEE

[charlottejoancheng]

Generosity

Today, I am blessed with the generosity and the kindness that surrounded me.

It has been a very difficult and tough time, especially during the first half of the year. It all started out last year in December when I blatantly rejected a promotion from my former workplace, plus the personal problems that my brother got involved in and I've ended up being dragged into it. The rest of the year had been a lot difficult with too much workplace bullying and psychological abuse that I've faced from my colleagues- who happened to be my so-called friends, the backaches, headaches, and also the mental pain and anxiety that I started developing to the point that I was demoted and also the humiliation that I've faced due to the mental stress of my personal issues and also my workplace problem. To be bullied and humiliated by those whom you've trusted as you had considered them friends, was a massive betrayal for me to endure. I called them out at the end and it had backfired. Worse, I had started a new job in May and I was struggling to perform because I was going through so much, especially from the trauma and the pain that my former workplace had given me. It had been so bad that I had underperformed in it and I was unable to make the great connections that I wanted to, in order to let go of the problems that I've dealt with at my former workplace. It got so bad to the point that I was let go, as the company felt that I was not a great fit for it and the job- considering that I've changed from the education to the advertising sector. Still thank goodness, I was given severance pay from the company which was a major miracle for me.

Still, in spite of several miracles that I've seen, I was feeling down at times and also up at certain points. Several amounts of phone calls and interviews and also career assessment tests had made me even more exhausted, or so hopeless when it comes to finding the best job for me. However, during that period, I started to value the true meaning of life and one of them is generosity.

It is the generosity of some of my former colleagues, who were not my superiors, and not from my management who had offered to be my reference at a difficult time. Few had advised me at those difficult points in my former workplace when things had gotten worse and they were still there for me as they had my back through such a tough time.

The generosity from both companies, though I've taken for granted. I wish that I should have not taken my previous boss for granted and put him in a difficult position as I was offered a payment of goodwill after my resignation. I resigned in dignity and grace, ironically from people who had made my life difficult until I had called them out, especially one of my superiors who had made my life hell since I had started working with him in 2020 (ironically he was my former friend and mentor). He had threatened a lawsuit against me, but thank goodness, it didn't happen. Was I smart enough to end things well, I should have done it brief and simple towards him without dragging anyone which was my biggest regret and had cost me some friends, that included my other superiors who wanted to be my reference at that point- ironically, they had also made my life hell at my last working days at that place. However, it led me to know other real true friends who were strangers first at the beginning and I am gratefully blessed to have both of them. And even though I was let go from my previous company, I was given severance pay plus got to know a slew of them who had inspired me tremendously to be the person I truly wanted, which is something that I was grateful for.

My mom, brother, and dad had comforted me at this lowest point. While I am grateful that my mom and my brother had helped me to pay for my bills for this month, my dad was the one who had not just given me moral support, but also he had to lead me through the Universe to my former bosses who had ultimately agreed to be my references in spite of the past mistake that I've made back then. When I talked to them it was like an old friendship rekindled. Plus, I was able to get my former dean from my college days to be my reference which was a major miracle. My brother may have put me into a mess last year, but if it is not for it, I would not have discovered a real friend in my brother and also moral and spiritual support in both my mom and my brother.

My old friends, which I had neglected in the past and who had come back to my life ironically by the law of the Universe. Plus my new friends who had come in and also strangers who had given me time to comfort and also help me during this difficult time - some had even sent me job openings and job offers from their company to help me, so I was very thankful. And joining an organization as a voluntary graphic designer, I was blessed to come across a person named Kevin, who I've aspired to be as he had gone through a lot and also whom I had also wanted to learn from- especially his realness and his sincerity. Plus the new friends that I've gained from participating in my church Sunday School team, and also the Single Adults Ministry which was also a major blessing as I was blessed by their own generosity.

Also, I would like to thank the maker of the Universe, God who had also been in me through my emotional and difficult journey, especially this year. I am currently a born-again Christian as I had started to know and accept Jesus Christ as my savior and my Lord during these difficult periods and along the way, he sent me people, things, and places that are good for me. All my years, I was expecting to receive and not even give, but today, I had learned the other way round which is why I've felt that my life is more fulfilling than I can even imagine, especially in the past few years. Had I not left a workplace where I started to realize that it was toxic for me after two and a half years, being terminated from my later job, and all of the difficult things that have happened to me, I would not be able to appreciate the generosity that He is about to offer and the support that he had given me, especially everyday people and things that I know that they would always have my back and also those who are meant to stay like jewels. Also, I would not be able to feel a warm sense of giving and generosity from others, as well as the generosity that I am starting to implement in my life.

By giving, we are able to make a better chance to make the world a better and a much more peaceful place. Perhaps you might have noticed, that we are living in such a selfish and also narcissistic world, where people are very selfish and they are looking out for their own needs without considering the rest. I used to play that part, but now there isn't any longer as you would not find a sense of fulfillment. Perhaps, things had to happen to bring out the better of us, as those who do what is right and good will come out stronger than that. And perhaps you might be someone who was unemployed and was struggling for months looking for a job and there wasn't a single pay. Or perhaps you might be someone who is going through a financial struggle due to some of your family issues. Still the most important is to give and to learn the gift of generosity and giving back and even if you do not have any resources, you can spread out the love through your God-given gifts and talents, which I am thankful to do, to be able to write and draw and even share the positivity and his word which would help others along the way.

I had not found the perfect job that would fit me, but I know that it is a matter of time before the Universe and God would help me along the way to the best place where I would fit a working culture and a place that I am able to glorify Him and to use my talents. But all I could say is that even though my life is not that perfect and I had not something perfect yet, I am still, and today, learning the gift of generosity and receiving the reaps of it abundantly.

#generousity #blog #charlotte joan cheng writes #writing #journal #journalling #abundance #law of attraction #affirmations #law of the universe #higher self #manifest #mental health #good advice

[sariahsue]

I just saw your take one Lilo&Stitch's approach to child protection and I was wondering if you could give some advice on how to write realistic stuff in this matter? I've been meaning to write a foster care/adoption fic and I do know the system in France must be at least a little different - and I will get down the research hole once I have a bit more time - but do you have any advice on how to write the kids reactions, the way parents deal with everything, the bonding part... things like this, so I can avoid clichés.

You don't have to answer though, feel free to ignore all this akdjwja I just figured there's no harm in asking XD

Yeah, sure! (To anyone else reading this who has a fic, feel free to send me a message if you have questions!) I’m definitely not the most knowledgeable person, but I know quite a bit. And I’m sure things are a bit different in France (hopefully their court system is better - yikes!) but I think the human element would be pretty similar, so here we go. 

First off, know that everyone is foster care is having a rough time constantly. Foster kids, workers, parents, foster parents, foster siblings. And no one knows what’s going on long term. There’s always a lot of uncertainty. Will the kids go home soon? Are parental rights going to be terminated at the next court date? Who knows???

The birth parents, at best, are going through a really tough time in their life, made worse because their kids were taken away from them. Some care about their kids, but they’re extremely self-centered and have zero parents skills. Some are manipulative and see foster care as free babysitting, and as long as they get to see their kid for an hour or so a week, this arrangement is fantastic for them! At worst, they’re just horrible human beings who abuse children. In general, most parents are clueless and selfish and pretty manipulative. They say they’re good parents and have no clue why their kids were taken away, even though their kid has cigarette burn marks on their back, or had to eat out of the garbage to survive because the were left alone for hours at a time when they were four, or worse. They have no clue at all what their behavior does to their kids, and they refuse to listen to anyone who tries to explain it to them.

No matter what type of parents they were, their kids ALWAYS love them and want to go home. Every single one of them. No matter the age. No matter what their home life put them through. Some of them aren’t old enough to understand why they can’t go home. Some have been in foster care for years and hardly remember living at home but still want to go home.  

It makes for complicated foster relationships sometimes because the kid will be attached to both birth and foster parents and feel guilty or conflicted or disloyal, or they’ll try really hard not to be attached to the foster parents in the first place. (I can think of only one exception to this. Two sisters who had been put into another home and liked the foster family and decided that they were going to be adopted by this family and were very excited about it... except the foster family had no plans to adopt them. I never learned what happened there.) 

And this is before accounting for the mental health struggles that often accompany the trauma most of them have been through. Some kids come in with anxiety that makes it difficult to trust new people. Some kids’ behavior is so extreme that it’s difficult for foster parents to take care of them, and so the kid moves around constantly. (If their behavior is too bad, they can sometimes be put into either a group home or residential, either temporarily or permanently.)

Parents are also entitled to visits, usually either weekly or every other week, at least while the goal is reunification (which is always starts out as). Before the pandemic, these usually took place in the DCF (Department of Children and Families is what it’s called in my state) office or in a visitation center. Sometimes the court orders that the visits be supervised so they don’t start promising their kids that they’re coming to get them next week. Often the workers think that sitting down the hallway not listening counts as supervision. 🙄 

With the pandemic, kids have been meeting over Zoom. That’s being phased out pretty soon here. Kids are almost always triggered by these visits. I mean, they look forward to them usually. Some kids are mad at their parents and don’t want to talk to them, but almost always, they want to see their parents. And almost always whatever behavior problems they had before is extremely worse for the next 2-5 days. (Which is terrible if you get a visit every week.) Some parents bail on these visits regularly. Some consistently bail on only birthdays and Christmas. We’ve learned not to tell the kid that they have a visit coming up until we know it’s definitely happening, or sometimes only right before we’re planning on leaving to go, because the anticipation of a visit is triggering or because getting stood up by your own mother is traumatizing. Sometimes you can get the kid’s therapist to write a note asking for the visits to be less frequent for the kid’s sake, but often that just means every other week instead of every week.

For foster families welcoming kids into their home, it’s a little different. They’re often more stable, and their whole life isn’t shifting around them. They’re just getting one or two kids into the family. The home dynamic is going to be a little different. Nothing huge, compared to what the foster kids are going through. It often depends on the kid how fast you get attached. Sometimes you know kids are only going to be there for a month because their normal foster family had to deal with an emergency, but the plan is to take them back soon. Sometimes they’re adorable babies and you get super attached really, really fast. Sometimes they’re so unhappy and scared that they make your home life completely miserable. Sometimes you’ve seen so many kids come and go over the years, and they’ve all left eventually, and your heart becomes guarded to protect you from that pain. But you get attached eventually anyway. 

And sometimes your parents are given a newborn whose goal is reunification and it’s love at first sight even though you don’t know if you can keep him, and then he’s put up for adoption when he’s two and you adopt him SO HARD. And then you make future foster kids upset because you can’t adopt them too. :( And even though they get adopted by friends of yours, they still feel conflicted over it four years later. 

You would think that a kid raised completely in their adoptive home from birth would have no problems, and sometimes that’s the case. Sometimes they still get upset about the adoption when they’re older because the foundational belief they have about themselves is that their mother didn’t want them, even though it’s not true. 

(This is the real-life story of my brother. We are the only family he’s ever known, and he’s 13 now, but he still has issues over being adopted. The other boy is 16 and is doing much better with his new family now, though he still has some issues. We had him for a very long time, and we were all happy that we know his adoptive family well because we stayed it contact with him, which almost never happens when a foster kid leaves.)

Oh, I forgot one thing. Usually when kids first get to your house, they are perfect little angels for a while. Depending on the kid, it’s either a couple days or maybe even three months. It’s called the “honeymoon period.” Once their subconscious realizes that this is a safe place to work on their issues and they aren’t in physical danger, they start to process what they’ve been through. It comes out in a variety of ways. Behavioral issues, bedwetting, explosive anger, nightmares, etc.

A note about social workers: All the workers (at least in my state) constantly have too many cases. Like, double what they’re legally supposed to have. Most of them try hard to keep up. Some DO NOT CARE. Some are fantastic and put extra time in to go to the kid’s end-of-the-school-year recitals and build a relationship with them. They’re in charge of organizing visits and making sure the kids have everything set up and are generally important in the kid’s life. They’re required to visit once a month and make sure foster parents have all the right paperwork and arrange dentist visits and bring them to all their therapy appointments. (FYI, You get a piece of paper that says you’re the legal guardian. You have to show it to schools and doctors when you make arrangements for the kids. My mom also keeps a copy in her purse, just in case a kid starts screaming “HELP! SHE’S NOT MY MOM” in the middle of the store or something. It’s never happened, but you know, just in case.)

Also, you would think that they’re the constant in the kid’s life, but if the birth parents move, the case gets transferred to another office in the state, and so the social workers switch. I sincerely hope that’s not how things are done in France because it’s garbage for a lot of reasons.

Okay, I’ve written you an essay, but I hope it was a useful essay! Let me know if you have any more questions!

#foster care #adoption #birth parents

[saberspirit]

jiang cheng character analysis essay under the cut! bc he means a Lot to me (its 5 pages im sorry)

tl;dr my thoughts on his relationship to his parents, his relationship with anger and feelings of inferiority, what zidian represents to him, his siblings (largely about what led to him and wwx falling out), and my thoughts on reconciliation between him and wei wuxian in the end.

tw!!! for child abuse and death, also warning for spoilers for the ending. 

alternatively can be read on google docs for accessibility

foreword: by writing this it is not my intention to imply this is the end all be all interpretation, or that i know more than fans of colour (especially chinese/chinese-american fans). i’m looking at his character as a white fan and through a western lens. i understand there are nuances i wont understand, but i have tried and continue to look at him w/ an educated view point and i’m always trying to continue my own self-driven education. i’m as always open to criticism and correction, although i understand it is no ones job to do so. it’s purely an interpretation from someone relating to his themes that i talk about here. thank you for reading! 

Jiang Cheng has a very complicated relationship with his parents (understatement), though different from Wei Wuxian’s complicated relationship w/ them (some overlaps being given).

It’s obvious to me that JC identifies more as his mother's son than his father's—feels he has to be because surely that’s why he feels neglected and like he’s constantly being found wanting by his father (even if Fengmian does Not mean to come across that way and isn’t a cruel man). He identifies with his mother’s anger and feeling of not being what his father truly wanted or loved and I don’t think he realized the effect she had on him with her constant comparison game—trying to measure him up because Madam Yu used him as a playing piece in her constant warring with Fengmian and instilled a sense of otherness in him and his deep-rooted feelings of inferiority and not being Good enough, not being enough in general. And yet he still deeply loves them even through all that he’s been through because of them both.

He never grew up learning how love should be in a relationship; should be from a parent to a child. The love he learned is a different type of conditional love from WWX's (WWX being that he doesn’t trust it in the first place, knowing it will leave). JC receives love and praise but knows it comes from a silent arrangement: it’s transactional. He upholds what his parents want and he gets…a form of it. Jiang Fengmian loved him in a way that you just kind of do love family, perhaps without a real reason otherwise—not pretty, but it is as it is. Madam Yu loved him in a way one loves a possession: she saw too much of Jiang Fengmian in him and JC was a reminder of how unhappy she was and how much her husband didn’t seem to care about her or what she gave him. (This isn’t to downplay Yanli's role in JC’s life: I think she was truly the only one to show him unconditional love in a way that he understood and recognized but it's unfortunately different from siblings and fell on half-deaf ears when all JC really wanted was his father’s approval).

Madam Yu was (afaik) stated to not be physically abusive (aside from the whipping when the Wens came from Wei Wuxian), but she was one-hundred percent verbally and emotionally abusive (for example, punishing WWX w/ isolation from the family w/ seclusion, or in general just how she talked to JC and WWX). She broke those two boys and it's something that can’t be undone…and Zidian represents that trauma, abuse, and expectation and JC’s anger and resentment that was the product of it. It’s literally lightning in a whip form; able to bind without harm, but it’s primarily used to hurt; it can reveal a true form; control over it is only relinquished to one’s family and loved ones.

JC doesn’t just lash out verbally at Wei Wuxian when they meet in his second life, he literally does. It’s his anger under his skin like static, driving him forward and being unable to rest because he’s constantly looking for closure he can’t have. He resents how his parents and Wei Wuxian made him feel but it’s also the only thing he has of them, and he clings to that (and therefore Zidian). It’s the last thing, bar Lotus Pier, that he has of his family anymore, and he wields it like a weapon…because ultimately it’s the only thing he's known for a very long time. Anger is an easy emotion. He wears it well. It was an emotion he learned from his mother, and he is his mother’s son.

As a side note for Zidian: Jin Ling refusing to take it from JC in the Burial Mounds to me was very much about not wanting a goodbye. He's a stubborn kid—JC mirrored what his mother did to him in handing off Zidian before certain death, and I think Jin Ling realized "take care of Zidian" meant "because I can’t anymore". JC wanted Jin Ling to stay safe and keep a hold on their family's legacy, but Jin Ling refused it and stepped forward to protect JC—JL is tired of goodbyes and afraid of losing more people, but also that stubborn streak to protect his family back. He went into the fray himself even if it’s not what JC was asking him to do (but then to JC’s chagrin the kid never really does do what he asks usually, Jin Ling has a good head on his shoulders and he’s as stubborn and quick to anger as his jiujiu but he’s also as incredibly loyal and caring). And I think it's a good vehicle to show that JL is breaking that cycle for them both.

Back to Jiang Cheng and anger and his siblings though. Yanli is all about showing affection in her words and actions (ie. meal sharing, peeling the lotus seeds, etc). WWX struggles to show it in forthright actions, let alone verbalize it (he’s truly bad at it) so while WWX does love his brother and shows it in actions like giving him his golden core…it’s not something JC picks up on well, or at all because he doesn’t even get told about the core until the Guanyin Temple. Jiang Cheng is someone who needs verbalized confirmation and very obvious action. But then to be fair, JC is also not good at verbalizing his love and care (he and Wei Wuxian are two peas in a pod w/ this one). It’s often behind barbed wire because 1) that’s how it was shown to him and 2) because it’s safer and easier to hide behind anger. He really does use it as a shield to protect his real feelings because he’s used to his feelings being trivial and being thrown in his face, and is used to loss. It’s a buffer.

This leads to a problem: Wei Wuxian does love him unconditionally, but I don’t think JC knows that. When he’s faced with the golden core surgery after everything, it’s definitely obvious, but it’s so twisted up in being hidden from him, in his own fears and feelings of failure and reliance that it’s soured. And he struggles to reach out and be frank with his own worries.

And this leads and lends to the severity of their falling out (not the only cause, but a big player in it).

He deeply loves his brother, but it's also entrenched in his bitterness and fears. If it was initially hard for him to verbalize because of those issues (on top of being a teenager/young adult and his feelings of inferiority irt WWX), he’s now in the current day steeped in sixteen years of loss/grief/trauma. Of unresolved tension between the two of them because WWX never told anyone anything—even if that’s just how he is, nothing personal towards JC except maybe that it’s his little brother, his shidi, and he doesn’t want to put a burden on those he loves—and JC tried time and time again to believe him and in him.

The problem was that his trust got thrown in his face time and time again. His older ‘peers’ (clan leaders) mocked and insulted him to his face for his naivety, pointed out that what WWX was doing was an insult to JC and their family, that WWX’s actions disrespected him and that he should do something about it. WWX’s actions themselves alongside him never letting JC in on anything further isolated them and put walls between them. This sewed the seed of the idea for JC that maybe he was naive. That WWX couldn’t uphold his duty and promises to JC and their family while also upkeeping his own personal code of ethics. (Not that it helped that Jiang Cheng also started lashing out at Wei Wuxian in minor ways for not having Suibian, but he didn’t exactly know why, to his credit).

His trust was him trying to care for WWX through all they’ve lost, but he’s also under the immense pressure of leading and rebuilding his home while also being looked down upon for his inexperience and ties to the man the cultivation world loathes.

Jiang Cheng believed WWX when he said he'd help him, wanted him to and expected him to. That’s his big brother and ultimately family comes first, so it was out of the question that WXX wouldn’t uphold that duty to him. Jiang Cheng is barely an adult as Sect Leader and was still a teen when they lost everything, so of course he wanted to rely on and believe Wei Wuxian when he said he'd help. JC doesn’t usually rely on others—I’d wager he hates relying on WWX especially as a callback to the inferiority complex—but he lets WWX in when they have the “Twin Prides” talk, lets him in when he promises JC to help him rebuild their home…and then WWX lets him down several times.

Post Burial Mounds there are signs that JC notices, if not consciously then subconsciously, that something is off with his brother (the demonic cultivation, the flute, the lack of Suibian, his weakness when pushed, etc), little things that he noted but didn’t have the time during a War to think too deeply on. He’s more relieved to just have him back where he can see him, happy that his brother can help them. Jiang Cheng gives him his vote of confidence in his abilities, in him, because he never thought of WWX or his methods badly (having been a fan until it became a symbol of losing Wei Wuxian to Something Else). Even if he had thought something of it, did have a concern, they don’t easily talk to each other now.

That much is obvious when after various meetings post the Sunshot Campaign as WWX is struggling with his temperament and resentful energy, after WWX saves the Wen remnants from the Jin Clan, and Jiang Cheng shows up at the Burial Mounds. He still believes in Wei Wuxian, still is bound to help him, and wants to help him. He’s willing to sacrifice the Wens for his brother. His actions and words are not pretty, but by god is he desperate. Jiang Cheng wants to save him and hides it with harsh words because once again he’s not good at being forthright with his feelings. He’s at his wits’ end, he’s barely 20, and suddenly he's losing Wei Wuxian too. It’s not about them being Wens because at this point he’s aware they’re helpless—it’s because it’s WWX and he’s supposed to make the right decision and be competent. It’s freshly post-war and he’s scared: his big brother is leaving and he feels powerless and he Hates that. Once again feels like he’s not good enough. Not good enough to save WWX, not good enough to lead, and he’s under intense scrutiny. He tells WWX as much that at this point he can’t help, and it hurts him to not be able to. Jiang Cheng wants Wei Wuxian to help him, help him. It’s an admittance wrapped in hurt and hurtful words, and WWX throws it in his face because he can’t let him in.

It’s not meant in any malicious way. Wei Wuxian is also traumatized, scared and hurting and dealing with the changes demonic cultivation is causing within him. But this is a key moment when JC for once verbalizes his fears and WWX tells him, ‘good, you don’t need to worry, I don’t have anything to do with you from now on’. (And of course, WWX is doing this to protect JC, but this response is what JC is afraid of).

So we have two times that JC has tried really hard in his own ways to let WWX in. To rely on him and be honest with him and WWX ends up…breaking his promises and leaving him and their family behind. And to me, that explains his actions when the last time they speak before he dies (that we’re shown anyways). WWX is sitting down with Jiang Cheng and Yanli. JC is the one that set up them being able to meet him, the one that reached out even after they fought to make his defecting from the Sect look convincing. He was the one that told Yanli that WWX should be the one to give a courtesy name to her child.

And then WWX brings Wen Ning. Yanli is open to Wen Ning sitting in and enjoying their family tradition, but JC can't understand why. Why WWX chose these people over his own family. He resents it. When he says "you might not be able to come back, to your family" I can imagine how much it destroys him to hear WWX say "but the people I’m returning to are also my family". Because what does that make them, WWX’s siblings; what does that make the promises and the years spent raised together, the duty he had to them first. Wei Wuxian might return to the Burial Mounds, but Jiang Cheng has to return to an empty Lotus Pier. The ghosts of his parents and ghosts of memories of his siblings he’s never getting back (because Yanli will be in Jinlin Tai after her upcoming wedding).

Repeatedly over and over Jiang Cheng reaches out, but time and time again it’s like WWX is telling him he’s not enough: not enough for WWX to rely on, not enough to protect him, not enough for him to want to return to, not enough to be family.

Then the cultivation world comes for WWX and his amulet. Yanli is killed, as far as JC can tell, because of the mess WWX made, and once again he’s in the dark about everything. Then WWX dies and rumours swirl that JC killed him, and maybe he did, maybe he is his brother’s killer even if Wei Wuxian would call it a misunderstanding. He’s left alone with an orphaned nephew in Lotus Pier with his entire family, bar an infant, dead.

So Jiang Cheng spends the next sixteen years without answers, with WWX having reinforced his insecurities and fears that stemmed from the abuse he'd suffered during childhood and then died. Yanli died when she never should’ve been in danger in the first place, seemingly because of Wei Wuxian. And he's so angry. He lashes out at memories and reminders, lashes out at anyone who chooses that same path that WWX chose over his family.

By the time Wei Wuxian’s come back from the dead and JC knows it’s him, WWX is still deflecting, still hiding still not telling him the truth. The fact that WWX comes back at all hurts purely as a fresh opening of the old wound, but the fact that he doesn’t come to find JC, that once again JC and his family isn’t a priority and once again is second best (this time to Lan Wangji)?

He doesn’t kill his brother. JC sits him down in a room and tries to talk but old hurts rile up and he reaches for anger again. WWX isn’t forthright and it makes it worse, neither of them are good at communicating: too many things unsaid, that can’t be said, too many misunderstandings and neither of them knowing how to talk about it. JC has Fairy there and it’s a minor act of revenge. JC uses what he knows is WWX’s weakness to intimidate and immobilize him, but it doesn’t help either of them actually talk.

Reconciliation is going to require WWX being able to talk to him without deflecting and JC getting angry so easily. But by this point, he’s given WWX a lot of chances and it’s why I think they could and would easily post-canon. Jiang Cheng's starting to come to an understanding that WWX did and still does care about him. He didn’t give him his golden core for no reason, and JC starts to understand why WWX did it for him and that he knew JC well enough to hide it in the first place.

He started to reach that conclusion shortly after Wen Ning told him—oh the pain of it having been WWX's chosen little brother figure—and Jiang Cheng had gone around asking people to unsheathe Suibian. It's why he brought Chenqing to the temple in the first place.

I think it speaks to his maturity that he decided at that moment he couldn’t say what he wanted to tell WWX in the end. I think he knew neither of them was ready, but I also think it speaks of how much he misses and trusts WWX to have let him go for now…I think he knows they will meet again as long as they both live, and that they'll be better for having waited. After some time to think, digest, they’ll be ready to be family again and all that entails.

#he really lives in my head rent free and i just. well. i think hes a really good example of the ''uglier'' side of the feelings of-- #-- victims of abuse and how we deal -or sometimes cant- with it in our lives afterwards and how they affect relationships #BUT the important thing is that hes healing :) #jiang cheng #for my own tagging purposes #caleb meta hours #caleb.txt #i may come back to edit this tbh its 1am and i spent 3 hours editing it

[trilies]

Someone tried to come up with a “sfwrarepair week” for a fandom i’m in because they had problems with the mods of the actual rarepair week shutting down wank and being open to all rarepairs

but their interest post was, like. terrible.

and i had to write a super long response to it because it frustrated me so much, with the op clearly not caring about actual csa survivors despite ~wanting to help them~

but then the post disappeared from the main tag and i couldn’t reblog the post even from the op’s original site and so this has just been hanging around in a plurk paste i’ve had open for weeks now, so i figured i should just fling it out there because i’m not wasting that work lmao

This post (and if I’m honest, the base idea) is actually harmful to actual CSA survivors and I’d like to call attention to this, especially since the OP isn’t giving the impression that they’re interested in the words of an actual CSA survivor.

I’m going to go in order of the post to give my criticism.

1. “being a safespace for minors, csa victims, incest survivors, people of color, LGBT individuals, etc.”

If this were just about making people feel safe, then there would be zero need to judge or insult people outside the group as occurs repeatedly throughout this post - the focus would be on the people IN the group.

For that matter, you wouldn't make an open call for a group like this anyway because the people in it would all have different comfort levels, so you can't just go "oh all this content will be safe for you" - you don't even know what their needs are yet. How can you guarantee that?

“Safe” ships, even those defined by the OP, can still be written in a way that is triggering or problematic.

Triggers aren't just in what the relationship is, they can be in the subject matter or the theme or what happens in the fic and it's like...okay, how much are you screening for? How are you protecting your members beyond just screening what ships are allowed?

A group actually meant to help abuse survivors, people with triggers, etc would not just have a flat set of rules set out before it's even got members, it would be organically constructed with consideration to the people in it and what their specific needs are.

That is only speaking of CSA and incest survivors as well... because that’s all this post suggests. It offers nothing in terms of how it would explicitly help queer fans, or fans of color. What it does offer for CSA survivors? (The only one I would say I am qualified to speak of in terms of experience.) Only vague platitudes that, from my perspective, only apply to the ideal of CSA survivors. Not actual CSA survivors, like those who do ship things you don’t approve of because it helps them recover.

Which actually leads us to

2. “this means there would not be ANY pedophilic [...] ships”

First of all, as a CSA survivor: stop using “pedophilia” as a description for fictional ships. This dilutes both the actual meaning and the seriousness of the word, which in turn harms actual victims as that word is robbed from them. Use an actual definition.

Because that’s the second issue with this statement, in that there is no actual definition given. That is a problem in the current fandom climate because, along with diluting the seriousness of the word, the meaning now varies wildly from person to person.

By “pedophilic”, do you mean a ship featuring someone 18 or up with someone beneath that age? What about characters where it’s unclear, such as Xanxus, who was frozen at age 16 and one could argue that he’s still that age? Or that he’s not because anime? What about with a gimmick that features time travel, such as the canon instance of Hana liking TYL Lambo and not recognizing or liking him as 5 year old Lambo? Where do the Arcobaleno fit in any of this?

By “pedophilic”, do you mean any ships featuring characters that are under the age of 18? Is it only pedophilic if it’s an 18+ adult shipping them? How are you going to check for that? What about the canon time travel used as both a gimmick and an arc?

Other types who allege they’re against “pedophilic ships” have said that it’s any ship with a height difference, any age difference at all even if the characters are still both adults, if a character’s boobs are too small, if a character isn’t smart. And, yes, those are all things I’ve actually seen!

Or will you oblige anyone who claims a particular ship is pedophilic?

This vagueness is a problem. Admittedly, the vagueness was not started by you, but it was started by people who claimed the same intentions as you, OP, and if you’re going to make a claim that you want to help CSA survivors, then you need to be far more clear than this.

3. [the same thing but re: incest]

Admittedly, I’ve seen this as less of a problem with misusing incest, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t seen it at all. You may want to clarify that you mean explicit blood relations (for example, Bianchi and Gokudera) or... Well, I can’t recall anyone explicitly adopted, but the idea is the same there. None of the “they referred to each other as brothers, ignoring how that’s often used in a way that has nothing to do with incest, but so that makes it totally incest”.

4. “ otherwise harmful ships”

This is the largest red flag out of everything, and we’re not even past the first rule in the original post. This has a similar problem to everything else about this list of not-allowed ship, only it’s much worse because it’s target is arguably everything.

What do you mean by “harmful”, OP?

Do we judge “harmful” because of the characters, or because of the ship?

How will you regulate this incredibly harmful descriptor so that it isn’t misappropriated by bullies and harassers to silence fans, whether as them as a person or what they ship? Because I can guarantee you that I could come up with any completely bullshitted reason to hate on every single character or ship combination from KHR, and others easily could as well for malicious reasons.

This is a frankly terrible rule and, considering the kind of rampant bullying that comes from people who like to claim they’re against ““pedophilic”“ ships against CSA victims, I do not trust it. I do not trust it at all.

5. “this blog would NOT be in “competition” or in any kind of rivalry with the original khr rarepair week blog”

Now this is either an outright lie, or someone who has not considered their own words, and I could not tell you which is worse when it comes to a declaration of a “safe space” for minorities or people with trauma like CSA and incest survivors.

The entire original post ABSOLUTELY positions itself as competition to the actual khr rarepair week, not an alternative. Not only does it position itself as “competition”, but it tries to sell itself to people as the “better choice”.

It’s an attempt at a bit of sleight of hand. The post tries to show itself as friendly, just here to help people... But, as I stated before, if it really had an interest in helping people, it would focus on those people.

Instead, numerous times, you see the OP making judgment calls and negative comments to others - mainly implications of people participating in the actual khr rarepair week. There’s a series of connections throughout the entire post:

We start with “pedophilic ships” being banned to “help” CSA survivors in the first rule, and then leap from that to, in the second rule, “people who don’t feel comfortable in an event run by people who support pedo ships”.

(Reminder: still no idea on what ““pedo”“ ships even are by OP’s definition.)

So we’ve already started by associating the people participating in the regular khr rarepair week as the problem, instead of people simply not being comfortable with just the ships themselves - fictional things that are easily avoided.

Then, at the very end, the OP makes the explicit connection between ““pedo”“ ships and “freaks”.

So is the connection clear yet? The way they steadily escalate things until the implication at the very end? How that all does its best to frame KHR Rarepair Week as a negative? As something that Good People (tm) would never do unless they “must”? The implication that their “SFW” rarepair week is better?

So for the OP to claim they’re not trying to start anything, while their entire post ramps up the connection between khr rarepair week and Terrible Things (tm), is a... dubious claim at best.

The rest of the post isn’t that big a deal. It serves perfectly fine as a base interest check for half of it. However, the other half? That other half set off warning flags so intensely for me as a CSA survivor that I couldn’t stay quiet. I’m not saying this to be a “troll”, or to start trouble for no reason.

Additionally, that good half is tarnished by the problems of the bad half. If these are the red flags I feel they are, then that means if there are people in the group who harass others - I can already spot what-the-fuck-khr in there, a notable harasser who has called a CSA survivor a slur - then it weakens the promise to make this a truly safe space.

It’s simply that I’ve seen a lot of people claim they care about CSA survivors, a lot of fans who try to prop people like me up to signal their own virtue, only for them to turn around and lash out at CSA survivors like myself when we do not exist as only a prop, when we step a toe out of line.

If that happens again, then I don’t want anyone to be caught in that, especially some of the wonderful people I’m familiar with in the tags, such as [blank] or [blank]. I see a lot of red flags in there that I’ve seen harm other people when left unchecked.

If people want to give this a shot as run by the OP, that’s their right, and I wouldn’t take that away from them. I believe it is important to help and look after CSA survivors, especially us for one another. However, I feel like these criticisms are something anyone going for this should keep in mind, especially if they’re not CSA survivors.

Maybe I’m wrong about all of this. I will freely admit that the original post set me off something awful. Maybe some of my concerns are merely because this is an interest check post, and there wasn’t time for the OP to go indepth on just what they think “pedophilic” ships actually are, etc.

If that’s the case, then I’ll gladly have a discussion with the OP, if they truly care about CSA survivors and what is harmful to them. I’ll recant if I can be reassured this is all in good faith, and even support this endeavor.

However, as a CSA survivor, this post as it is worries and frustrates me.

#james shenanigans #here comes the ruckus

[actual-ongoing-dumpster-fire]

Trauma Gatekeeping and the Suffering Olympics

The other day, I was told more or less that I should be happy that I “was only verbally abused” by my family. I was told that everyone’s parents are annoyed when their kid is asking them questions or trying to talk to them when they’d much rather zone out in front of the TV.

Because I “was only verbally abused,” I have trust issues and feel like everyone is out to get something from me and leave me hurt and burned in the end because I’m not worthy enough to be treated any differently.

Because I “was only verbally abused,” I feel like every level of myself, down to the very core, is pervaded by a sense of toxic shame. Shame about myself runs in all facets of my life, consciously and unconsciously. I’m a worrywort. I’m annoying. I talk to much. I’m too fat. I cry too much. I’m too sensitive. I’m too awkward. I’m too weird. I laugh too much. I need to grow a thicker skin. Everyone’s needs always come before mine, no exceptions. Basically, every single thing about me needs to be something else.

Because I “was only verbally abused,” I’m convinced that everyone thinks I’m annoying, clingy, needy and too stupid or ditsy for whatever task that’s given to me.

Because I “was only verbally abused,” I feel like there is absolutely nothing I am good at. Everything I do I suck at and am doomed to fail. And at the same time I don’t know who the hell I am besides of a few disconnected bits and pieces of myself.

My trauma is my trauma. My trauma is just as valid as anyone else’s trauma. Even though I’ve never suffered any physical abuse (besides the typical spankings most children of boomers have received and the one time at 14 or 15 my mom lightly slapped my cheek because I was mouthing her off) my early childhood experiences of emotional neglect and abuse still affect every part of myself and my life.

I’m at the part of my what feels like a never-ending and eternal journey of my recovery where I’m painfully self-aware that I was traumatized multiple times in my childhood and adulthood, up to the present day. But I’m also at a crossroads where I can’t heal any further or make any more progress until I’m away from everyone who abused me, and because money is a thing and I just want my stupid fucking bachelors degree I fucked up on the first go around, that’s easier said than done.

For my entire life, anything and everything I felt was invalidated in some form or another if I wasn’t outright shamed for having the emotions I did.

That one time as a 10 or 11 year old where my dad got so angry at me from an offhand and harmless comment I made that he didn’t physically strike or harm me, just screamed at me and carried on about how much my he and my mom did so much for me and that I was such a brat and threw a dining room chair across the tiny excuse for a “dining room” twice, was one of my most traumatizing experiences growing up. Sure, it certainly wasn’t the first time that my dad was pissed off about something or another and broke some shit and screamed, but it was the first time that I remember where he was breaking and throwing shit angry about something I did or said instead of the usual scream and carry on and lecture that happened to me before. But it was a turning point where I had to be more careful and try harder to avoiding making him angry from then on.

I felt absolutely powerless and scared shitless. I felt that usual heart racing and pounding and shakiness that happened when I was in trouble with him or in trouble at school, only multiplied to the nth degree because I was actually fearful for my physical safety then. That painful lump on my throat from holding back my tears and sobbing was there too. But I had to just stand there motionless and not say a word and not cry because if I did he would just get more angry. So angry that he might actually hit me.

Because that’s what that was, right? Throwing and breaking shit around him to show that it could be me.

It might not have been every day or every week that my dad angrily screamed at and verbally abused me, but most of my time at home was me being hyper vigilant and tiptoeing about trying not to piss my dad off. Just that constant fear was enough to start fucking me up.

My therapist said that it seems like invalidation is one of my triggers. It sure as shit is. But it’s not really something I want to feel ashamed about having. For so long I’ve internalized my abuse and neglect as “not being that bad” and it was a giant roadblock in my recovery. That internalized dialogue meant that my mental turmoil was masquerading as typical and atypical depression the previous times I was receiving treatment that failed.

And how my dad treated me is only the tip of the iceberg. There’s still my mom, my sister and my brother. It wasn’t even just my family that contributed to the shit wrong with me today, so it’s not fair to place all of the blame on them, I guess. But they were a big enough part of that.

I’ve been long done with being invalidated by myself and others. Nobody else can dictate whether something was traumatizing to me or not. And the same goes for anyone else. Only the person themself knows whether or not they are traumatized by something. At least getting over the internalized invalidation hurdle is a big step, I suppose.

#tw abuse #cptsd life #cptsd #tw cptsd #cptsdrecovery #cptsd vent #invalidation #just because i wasnt hit doesnt mean i wasnt traumatized #tw child abuse #tw gatekeeping #gatekeeping vent #gatekeeping rant #my trauma is valid #my. fucking. trauma. is. valid.

[placesthatchangedpeople]

Montana Academy testimony

This testimony was found on Reddit. All rights go to the author.

I’m not going to go into the hell that was SUWS Carolina [wilderness], as that is a whole different can of worms, and the boarding school was far more sinister. I arrived at Montana Academy a few weeks after turning 17. I was absolutely terrified after what I had been through spending 9 weeks living in the woods, but I was at least happy that I could use a toilet and sleep in a bed. [To get rid of any confusion later on, I was born male. At this point in my life I was still living as a boy, and trying very hard to convince myself I wanted to stay that way.] When I got to campus I was greeted by my team leaders and paraded through the lunch room as the entire student body looked at me [as all new students are]. I’m still convinced this is a power play devised by the creators of the school to subtly break your guard down. I said goodbye to my mom, grandmother, and my uncle, and began the worst period of my life.

So the Staff of our team was our team leader Dave, and boy, Dave was a piece of shit. He was the type of guy who would get a shit eating grin whenever he could punish you. You could fucking tell he got a semi off of it, and we would all talk about how much we hated him behind his back. I remember the ear to ear smile he got on his face as my eyes welled up with tears when he told me I couldn’t spend Christmas away from the ranch with my mom, because I was short by one signature on my checklist. That’s Dave in a nutshell. The weekend team leader was Sam and I think he was even worse, because he had the amazing ability to make you feel safe and loved one week, and then emotionally beat you to a pulp the next. For instance... There was one weekend where Sam and I had a long emotional talk where I opened up to him about how much my dad meant to me and how I would give anything to have him back. He gave me the biggest hug and told me he was here for me. The week after was rough and I was so excited to talk to him again, but when his shift started, he sat down and immediately screamed at me in front of everybody for not sitting down fast enough at the table, and put me on privilege freeze for a week. This would happen all the time. It was like he got off on building up our trust and hopes and then he would have a bad week at home and treat us like absolute shit.

I started with every intention of bettering myself. I had fully subscribed to the belief that I was broken as a result of “immaturity”, and the Founder of M.A.'s book was so fond of claiming. Despite coming from a broken home, childhood neglect, death of a parent, sexual abuse, trauma etc, it was MY fault that I ended up at M.A. I was ready to do my part. Unfortunately I wasn’t perfect as the staff expected me to be. I tried my ass off to do chores to the militaristic standards that they upheld, but I often fell short. Perhaps I missed a nearly microscopic hair in a bathtub. Sometimes, my sheets were a little crooked. And for each little transgression there was a severe consequence. If you made more than one mistake on your chores within a week, you could kiss all of your privileges goodbye. No phone call to your mom. No movie night. This may not seem like a big deal, but when you’re locked in an environment where you have maybe one tiny thing to look forward to a week, losing it because of something that is often not your fault is the most heart wrenching feeling in the world. Sometimes the punishments would go beyond cruel and just become abusive. About 5 weeks into my stay, I made the grave mistake of telling my team leader Dave that I had finished my assignment because I was having a really horrible day and just wanted to continue reading my book. Unfortunately he decided to double check. When he found out I wasn’t being honest, he assigned me to my first drudgery. That weekend I spent 6 hours outside in 20 degree weather scraping ice off of every single pathway on the entire ranch campus. I asked once if I could stop because my hands were rubbed raw and starting to bleed, and my weekend team leader Sam refused. I shouldn’t have lied, he insisted. By the end of the night, my hands were covered in blisters and I had learned my place. At this point I was broken, or so I thought. I didn’t know it could get worse.

As for therapy… My 1st therapist was useless. She was liable to cry about tragedies that had occurred during her own life. Ironically she was as cold as ice when it came to my issues. When it came to the issue of me being sexually assaulted in the 1st grade, she breezed right past it, and moved on to other issues. When I told her that I had always wished I had been been born a girl, she didn’t seem to give the slightest semblance of a fuck. When I would bring up the death of my father, or my mother’s alcoholism, she would go into how her brother died and start crying, and the next thing I knew I would be awkwardly wondering if I should console her. The biggest breakthrough in our therapy was when she came to the confident conclusion that the root of all my issues was that I was… wait for it… ADDICTED TO VIDEO GAMES… Every therapy session turned into her trying to convince me that I never wanted to play video games again, despite the fact I was drinking heavily and using substances before entering wilderness. After I finally promised her I would never touch another game again, we finally moved on to trying to process the loss of my father, and even that was a useless endeavor.

Group therapy was a clusterfuck. I don’t exactly know a better way to describe it than to call it “conflict therapy”. Seeing as how the entire M.A. operation was based around punishing students for their mistakes it was only natural to pit them against each other. The students of M.A. were each separated into 7 teams of roughly 10 students each. I spent 90% of my time with my team. They were your my friends, but I can guarantee they knew me fucking biblically. During group, it was common for one student on the team to be singled out and for every other student on the team to just fucking lay into them. It happened to everybody. We were all encouraged to tell on each other if we witnessed any rules being broken. I couldn’t trust my best friends with a secret at M.A. because the consequences were so dire. One tiny mistake could land me there for an extra year. Imagine the fucking paranoia that this causes. I was ALWAYS being watched. I began to question every single thing that I did. I began to believe the punishments I was being given were because I was useless, and because I couldn’t do anything right. After about a year I was 100% fucking brainwashed. I because some kind of M.A. Drone and I genuinely believed that I needed them to survive. It was like I was in a fucking cult, and if they had fucking cyanide in the punch I wouldn’t be writing this right now.

I think this next part was the most fucked up. This was the point where my red-pollyped festering cunt of a therapist decided to use me as an example, to teach a fucking seminar. My team was planning a father-son weekend trip. Doesn’t that sound lovely? Well, problem is, my dad’s fucking brain drowned in its own blood and so he’s in a box in my mom’s closet, so I can’t exactly take that out to Bowman lake with the boys. Luckily for me my therapist called me in and informed me that I was allowed to spend a weekend with my Uncle [who I love very much]. I was so happy, I was jumping for joy! A few weeks pass, and the father-son weekend is getting closer. My therapist calls me back in and tells me to sit down, and then informs me that she actually thinks it would be great for my “therapy” if I went with my team on the trip... I begged her to let me spend the weekend with my uncle, but she said it would also be good for the team’s therapy. So that weekend we all went to the lake. It was a really wonderful experience for everybody except for me. For the entire weekend I was alone. Some of my friends and their dads spent some time with me but I honestly wanted to be alone. Being the only kid without a fucking dad on a father-son trip is fucking humiliating beyond words. The worst part was on the last night of the weekend where the therapist held a group therapy session and the whole fucking thing was centered around me and my fucking dead dad, and all the issues that come with having a dead dad. My therapist had some really great and sensitive questions prepared... “Do you miss your dad?” “Do you feel guilty about anything?” “Why do you feel like it was your fault?” “Do you think your dad would be proud of you?” “Do you wish your dad was here?” “How did you deal with your mom falling apart?” “How do you feel that your mom is drinking again?” and the therapist just keeps pushing me and pushing me and pushing me until I’m inconsolable, and having a panic attack, and I just want her to shut the fuck up. I felt so broken, humiliated, and violated. How fucking dare this bitch of a therapist come at me with all of this heavy shit in front of people I've never met, when all she ever wants to talk about in our sessions is how much I like video games. They don’t care in these fucking places. They wanted to give these stupid fucking dads something powerful to witness so they could write a fucking Facebook post about the amazing work that's being done at MA. May they rot in hell.

Medical malpractice was also Rampant. While at M.A. I was struggling with weight and eating issues. My team “suggested” that I run a half marathon because our new team leader liked to run and they love to fucking push even the smallest beliefs and hobbies on their students. The shoes I was training in had literally no insoles. I asked for new shoes and was told to write a proposal. I wrote one and was never responded to by the treatment team [big fucking surprise]. After weeks of training we finally ran the half marathon. Halfway through, I felt a shooting pain in my foot. I told my team leader as he was not too far ahead. He didn’t give me much of a choice but to finish. For the next 6-8 weeks I asked the nurse every day if I could please go to the doctor as my foot was killing me, and nobody ever did anything about it. Finally after asking over what must have been 50 times, they agreed to let me go into town to get an x-ray. The x-ray found that I had snapped the middle metatarsal bone in my foot clean in half. So not only did M.A. make me run 6 miles with a broken foot, they made me do hard fucking labor on it for 6-8 weeks before allowing medical treatment. Care for Transgender students was disgustingly ignorant and based on lies and misinformation. Despite trying to come out as trans to my 1st M.A. therapist, it was just ignored. I tried multiple times to bring it up, but I’m now certain that my therapist didn’t know what a trans person was, and so she just thought it would be easier to switch the subject. When I moved on to the Sky House [the halfway house portion of the program] I said fuck it and just fully came out. This was met with backlash from the therapy team. Since I was at the Sky house now I had a new therapist and he had a lot of info about transitioning. Unfortunately, all of the info was fucking wrong, and he filled my head with misinformation, lies, and half-truths, in an attempt to make it sound like starting hormones was harder than getting a fucking doctorate from Harvard.

After Finally graduating M.A. I had been brainwashed into believing that getting a script for hormones was like a quest for the holy grail. I had no idea how fucking easy it actually was. I tried to live a normal life. I moved in with my aunt and uncle for a little while until I went off to college. I stayed sober for a few months, but as soon as I got to the university, things started fucking unraveling fast. I realized that I had been horribly abused and that the “therapy” I had been undergoing was nothing more than expensive babysitting. I fucking lost it I started drinking and taking any substance I could. I failed out of my school and moved back home. I drifted around for 3 years drinking, and being a disgusting and terrible person. I had to figure it all out on my own. I fucked with drugs I never should have and fell in with people I had no business being with. I drank too much, and made many regrettable decisions. But I still figured my fucking life out. I figured out that I needed to fucking get it together. I made a goal. I needed to transition. That was problem A. I got sober, went to my Nana [my hero] and found a therapist and within 2 weeks I was on hormones and began my transition, and by pure luck, I found love. It’s been a little over 4 years since I’ve gotten sober and things are far from perfect. I have severe PTSD from going to that hell of a school. I still dream about it multiple nights a week, and wake up in a fucking panic. I never leave the goddamn house because I start to panic, and I have serious trouble holding a job, so instead I work from home as a camgirl, inserting large objects into me for money. I’m lucky though that I now have my girlfriend to help me through it. Without her, I don’t know what I would do most days. Also, its really fucking great to not have to be a goddamn boy anymore. If anyone else had a similar experience [and I know others have] you’re not alone, and good luck.

#Montana Academy #Montana #brainwashing #medical malpractice

[sage-nebula]

mannnnn thank you for validating my dimitri salt because the fandom take of (usually f!)byleth """saving""" him with their (usually her) """warm hand""" etc. etc. gives me the heebie jeebies. i get that there's a lot of young people in this fandom who haven't necessarily worked out yet that no one should feel responsible for "changing" their significant other! but seeing it everywhere is annoying and i'd rather be over here in my own private salt mine, thank you very much >:(

You are very welcome. Putting the rest of my response under a cut so those who don’t wish to see this don’t have to.

First off, as a disclaimer, I just want to say: I don’t think you necessarily have to be young to be attracted to the “power of love saves all” trope, and I am also a firm believer that you can enjoy something in fiction without endorsing / liking it in real life. I myself am a fan of some dark tropes; I love drama and angst, and I have been known to put characters into downright awful situations that I would never want anyone to suffer through in real life. Fiction serves many purposes, but one of those purposes is to allow people to explore ideas that are dark or terrible in safe avenues that hurt no one. This is why there has been fiction that depicts things like gruesome murders, for example, for centuries. People who write books about murderers (usually) don’t actually murder people themselves, nor do they want anyone to be murdered. They’re just telling a story they thought might be interesting, and others who enjoy that type of story (but also probably aren’t murderers and wouldn’t want to murder anyone in real life) are reading it. So it’s entirely possible that people who are drawn to the idea of F!Byleth “saving” Dimitri from his “darkness” with the power of her love are adults, and are also people who wouldn’t go for that sort of thing in real life. That’s completely possible, and I don’t begrudge those people for it. You do you, and all that. If that’s your type of thing, great. More power to you.

But as you’ve gathered from your posts, I personally don’t like it at all.

I haven’t finished Azure Moon yet, but so far I hate … pretty much everything about the way Dimitri’s character has shaken out, and how his relationship with Byleth is being forced now. Because let’s get one thing clear: Dimitri’s feelings that Byleth “saved” him are almost as much of a 180 as his feelings regarding not wanting to kill Edelgard, with potentially even less explanation if you can swallow that he, for some reason, believed that Patricia was the first Flame Emperor because Cornelia (enemy and known liar) said so as she was dying right off the bat without any proof to back up the claim. When Dimitri first saw Byleth after five years, he at first thought they were a ghost, and then accused them of being a spy, and THEN went on to say that he didn’t really care either way so long as he could keep murdering people (and still later said that he would “use [Byleth] and [their] friends until [their] flesh fell from their bones” so, yikes). It wasn’t until Dimitri saw Dedue that there was any sign of his behavior changing even slightly. Dedue’s reunion got the romantic sounding music. Dedue brought out the softness in Dimitri. Dedue comes across as a far more natural love interest for Dimitri than Byleth ever could. Once Rodrigue kicks the bucket, Dimitri still pushes Byleth away until he breaks down into a Woe Is Me speech and Byleth offers their hand. At that point Dimitri’s gratitude and fondness for Byleth begins being pushed very hard, in a way that feels unnatural and unrealistic given how he’d behaved up until that point. If Dimitri had been more broken up and touched at Byleth’s reappearance after five years, sure, maybe. But as it stands it feels unnatural, and leads me as a player to believe that Byleth flat out just did not mean as much to Dimitri as they meant to Claude or especially Edelgard.

But all of that—the bad writing, of which there are other instances in Azure Moon, to the point where in my opinion this feels like the Conquest of Three Houses—is a minor issue. The bigger issue is the fact that the game pushes that we’re supposed to sympathize with Dimitri and see him as a tragically heroic figure when I … don’t, at all, for multiple reasons.

The first, and perhaps biggest, issue is the way his trauma and mental illness is being used by the narrative as the defining reason for why we should sympathize with him. Dimitri was traumatized when he was about fourteen by seeing his parents, friends, and others killed brutally in front of him during the Tragedy in Duscur. (Note that in this same incident Dedue witnessed GENOCIDE CARRIED OUT ON HIS PEOPLE, HIS FAMILY MURDERED RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM, but the trauma that he should have from this is basically never touched upon, and instead he acts as though people from Faerghus—you know, the kingdom that COMMITTED GENOCIDE AGAINST HIS PEOPLE—should not associate with him lest it stain their reputations. Hmm. Hmmm.) Somehow, at the tender age of fourteen, Dimitri went on a brutal killing tirade during this incident, delighting in bloodshed, which understandably disturbed and traumatized Felix (whose own brother was slain during that incident, mind, albeit not by Dimitri obviously), who then cut ties with him, not wanting to be friends with someone like that anymore. (Note: Everyone acts as though Felix was the bad one for this, rather than thinking it reasonable to not want to be friends with someone who delights in murder and bloodshed.) As a result of all of this, Dimitri regularly hallucinates the ghosts of his dead relatives and friends, and devotes his entire life to avenging them by murdering whoever was responsible for the Tragedy of Duscur, as well as whoever gets in his way of accomplishing that. (Note: “Who was responsible” is something Dimitri will accept with basically no evidence. He believes Edelgard was responsible because she called herself the Flame Emperor and wore a similar outfit to the one he saw back then. Never mind that she is his age and thus was also a fourteen-year-old child at the time; no, he believes she must have magically made herself the size of an adult and was capable of killing not only her own mother, but also his father (who carried a Hero’s Relic!) and countless others. Because that makes sense.)

So. It’s clear that Dimitri has deep-seated trauma, and it’s understandable that he would have trauma from such a grisly, horrible event. It is also true that not everyone reacts to trauma in the same way, and that there is a definite stigma against those who don’t react to their trauma in ways that people can twist to be “cute” or “endearing”. I’ve talked about the Good Survivor vs. Bad Survivor dichotomy among fans on my blog before, and I stand by everything that I said. However, there are several key points to keep in mind:

Not all behaviors can be classed as just “Good” or “Bad”, and furthermore, even if two behaviors are agreed upon to be “Bad”, that doesn’t mean they’re on the same scale. Being asocial and snapping verbally at people isn’t the behavior of a “Good” Survivor, but it’s also not nearly as bad as actually murdering people and doing it as slowly and painfully as possible. Getting on someone’s case because their trauma makes them reluctant to socialize or trust isn’t the same as calling them out for torturing people to death. This shouldn’t have to be said, but this is tumblr, so I’m going to say it.

Succinctly, a shitty past does not excuse a shitty present. Yes, Dimitri was traumatized. No, this DOES NOT justify his actions even before the timeskip, much less after it. Similarly, Dimitri lampshading that his behavior is bad and calling himself ~a monster~ doesn’t make it better, either. If anything, it makes it worse, because Dimitri knows that what he’s doing is horrible and he continues to do it anyway. Just because you’ve been traumatized (rather through a single incident or years of abuse or whatever) doesn’t give you a free pass to do whatever you want. You are accountable for your actions and behaviors, always. Trauma may explain why you behave the way you do, but it does not excuse it.

The problem with the narrative portrayal of Dimitri on Azure Moon (and arguably Verdant Wind as well, since we had an Alas Poor Dimitri moment when he was killed on Verdant Wind despite him literally calling for the deaths of everyone on the field in that path, straight up telling Claude to his face that he was going to kill him) is that the game pretty much flat out tells you that you should sympathize with Dimitri because of his trauma. Oh sure, Felix calls Dimitri “the boar prince” and routinely chews him out, but if you tell Felix that you’re not going to talk to Dimitri shortly after the timeskip, Felix tells you to “not give up so easily” and that Dimitri surrendered his humanity in pursuit of becoming a better killer, as if that’s supposed to make him sympathetic. Rodrigue tells Byleth that he wishes that he had the courage to “scold” Dimitri, but doesn’t actually do anything about it. And every single person present, including both Rodrigue and Gilbert, go along with whatever Dimitri wants, even when what he wants ignores the problem of the fact that Faerghus citizens are starving to death in the streets because of the situation in the capital. Dimitri flat out tells EVERYONE that he is all but abdicating his duties as king in the name of revenge, but rather than Rodrigue or someone else experienced coming to the logical conclusion taht he is therefore no longer fit to be king and relieving him of those duties (not necessarily violently; I doubt he would have put up an argument), they instead just go, “welp, nothing we can do about it we guess” and go along with what he wants, leaving the people to suffer, because Dimitri is of the Blaiddyd bloodline and, well, he’s a sad boy and they feel bad for him.

I shouldn’t have to say it, but I’m going to: This is disgusting. It’s disgusting that Dimitri’s trauma is used as a way to try to make the player feel bad for him despite the atrocities he commits time and again right there on screen. When Byleth first returns to the monastery after five years, it’s to find that he’s decorated the place with Empire soldier corpses. Byleth has to mercy kill Randolph before Dimitri can rip out his eyes, something Dimitri grows angry with them for. Dimitri says, immediately after that, the line that has stuck with me: “I’ll use you and your friends until your flesh falls from your bones.” He’s told that the people in Fhirdiad are starving and dying in the streets and need help and he flat out says he doesn’t care. He relishes in bloodshed and crows at every opportunity about how he wants to kill. While both Claude and Edelgard look regretful about the battle at Gronder Field, Dimitri just once again roars about how he wants his soldiers to kill every single person present. And through it all, we’re told that this is okay and we should forgive and feel sorry for him because he’s traumatized. It’s not really his fault, it’s just, ooh, that darn trauma!

As someone who has C-PTSD from years and years of abuse, I can’t begin to tell you how much narratives like this infuriate me. Those of us with trauma aren’t mindless infants who are unaware of our surroundings and incapable of controlling our behavior. When I say “a shitty past doesn’t excuse a shitty present” and “traumatized individuals are responsibel for their behavior,” I say that from the perspective of someone with trauma that affects me to this day. My abuse was such that sometimes I still have nightmares about my biological mother that leave me dazed and distracted for the whole day. I’ve really been through it. But I’m also 100% responsible for my own behavior. It’s my responsibility, and no one else’s, to make sure that I don’t hurt others. If I do something wrong, that’s on me, and my trauma will never excuse or justify it. 

So for the narrative of Three Houses to act as though Dimitri’s rampant murder, (attempted) torture, and love for bloodshed and violence is excusable and forgivable because of his trauma is infuriating to me. It’s infuriating to me how, after that insipid ~warm hand~ moment, Dimitri launches into constant Woe Is Me speeches where we’re meant to reassure him that it’s okay that he committed so many murders for no reason other than to quench his blood thirst, it’s okay that he wanted to use his former friends as meat shields to get what he wanted, it’s okay he abandoned his people to die in the streets, that he’s still a good and worthy king and ~just what Faerghus needs~. We’re supposed to see his return to Fhirdiad as a good thing, an inspiring moment. We’re supposed to side with him when he (I assume) later acts the hypocrite by telling Edelgard that People Dying Is Wrong and that she should surrender to him instead. (Never mind that deaths caused by Edelgard’s actions were caused as a result of a war that was necessary to take down the Church of Seiros, which actually had been ruling all of Fodlan under the guise of letting the different territories rule themselves for ages, while Dimitri just killed Empire soldiers for his own blood thirst and revenge, but you know. If you ask most of the people in the fandom, Saint Didi can do no wrong.)

But the thing is, all of that is bullshit. It wasn’t okay that he committed so many murders for the sake of his own revenge fantasies and blood lust. It wasn’t okay that he wanted his former friends to be his meat shields. It wasn’t okay that he abandoned his people. None of that was okay. And I don’t want to sit here and console him and make him feel better just because he apologies and cries about how he’s The Biggest Monster Ever as a result of his actions. Because a.) his actions were monstrous, and b.) that’s an emotionally manipulative tactic, and I’m here for none of it.

Before I go any further, let me state flat out: I’m not calling Dimitri an emotional abuser. I don’t think that was the intent behind those Woe Is Me pity parties of his, from a writing standpoint, and therefore that’s not what he’s thinking he’s doing when he goes on them. I will call Dimitri many things, including a murderer, but I won’t call him an emotional abuser because I don’t think that was the intent in the writing. However, regardless of whether that was the intent in the writing or not, it doesn’t change the fact that one of the oldest tricks in the emotional manipulation book is, when emotional manipulators / abusers are called out on their behaviors and forced to answer to the things they’ve done, they’ll flip the script and start degarding themselves and talking about how awful they are so their victims end up comforting them. A very basic demonstration of what I mean:

Victim: “It really hurts me when you act like you can’t trust me and go through my phone to see who I’ve been talking to. I feel like my privacy is being violated and like you think I’m dishonest.”

Manipulator: “You’re right, I know I should trust you more. I just get so insecure and scared that you’ll leave me.” 

Victim: “I know you deal with insecurity, but that doesn’t give you a right to go through my things. It really upsets me when you do this.”

Manipulator: “I know, I’m such a horrible person. I’m the worst partner. You deserve so much better than me, I understand that you hate me, I’m just the worst and am absolutely useless and terrible and not fit to be even your friend, much less your partner.”

Victim: “No, wait, that’s not true …”

And on and on. Even if they pepper in “I’m sorry”s in there, it’s never once a genuine apology, because they spend so much time tearing themselves down in an exaggerated fashion that the victim feels like they have to comfort the person who hurt them. Similarly, when Dimitri goes on his speeches about how he’s ~unworthy to be king~ or a monster or whatever, the answer choices given are Byleth comforting him one way or the other. We’re never given an option (beyond telling Felix we won’t talk to Dimitri right after the time skip) to tell Dimitri that he is awful, that he doesn’t deserve to be king, or really to revoke our support in any way at all. And because Byleth is not given that option, the narrative is telling us that the correct “choice” (because there really isn’t one) is to sympathize with and empower Dimitri despite how heinous is behavior is. Because Dimitri was traumatized, poor thing, and thus it’s okay that he brutally murdered all those people for no reason other than his own satisfaction. 

(Note: The game never once says “revenge is wrong because it just breeds more revenge.” Even though it seemed like they were going that way with Randolph and Fleche, it’s not Fleche wanting to murder Dimitri that makes Dimitri realize that what he’s been doing is fucked up, it’s Rodrigue dying defending him from Fleche. So even if you wanted to say that Dimitri being blood thirsty and out for revenge was meant to teach him a lesson about how he should behave, it’s not, because that’s not a lesson he ever actually picks up on.)

And that finally ties into what I think you were driving at in your ask (boy, I’ve been at this for a long time), which is the narrative of someone “saving” someone else with their love. By telling the player that they, as Byleth, should excuse and forgive Dimitri for his atrocities because he was traumatized and sad, the narrative (and all the characters in the narrative) are basically pushing Byleth to be Dimitri’s therapist. And as I said in the tags on one of my Azure Moon hate posts (or maybe on twitter, I can’t remember, it all blends together), I am not here for that.

Aside from the fact that both Edelgard and Claude seem to genuinely care for Byleth the whole way through, the other primary difference between them and Dimitri is the fact that Byleth doesn’t have to play therapist for either of them. Claude, for the most part, doesn’t have any major traumas; he did have to grow up being outcasted for being mixed race, and that is its own kind of trauma which I am in NO WAY diminishing, but that trauma he faced was the more realistic type of trauma that people in real life face every day. He is still the most well-adjusted of the three. As for Edelgard, she is in my opinion even more traumatized than Dimitri, but not only is her trauma handled in such a way that it’s never used as an excuse for her behavior (the experiences that traumatized her helped her form the beliefs that spur her actions, but her actions always route back to those beliefs, not to “ghosts made me do it”), but she also pretty much keeps her trauma to herself as best she can and never hinges her emotional stability on Byleth. Yes, Byleth’s presence helps balance Edelgard since Byleth is a secondary confidant and can therefore offer counter-influence to Hubert’s toxic influence (not bashing Hubert here, I’m just saying, he is the WORST influence), but although it’s made clear that Edelgard deeply missed Byleth for the past five years to the point of lamenting about it constantly to the rest of the Black Eagle Strike Force, she also kept her shit together and didn’t wantonly murder people as a result of Byleth’s absence. When she comes to Byleth with issues, they’re usually tactics or strategy related. Byleth is only ever able to learn about Edelgard’s past in late night moments of emotional vulnerability, such as after a nightmare. And even then, Edelgard sharing those moments is less “HEAL MY PAST TRAUMA AND MAKE ME BETTER, PROFESSOR” and more “okay, I trust you enough to tell you this.” It’s not about helping stabilize Edelgard, it’s about earning enough of Edelgard’s trust to learn of her past.

This is in stark contrast to Dimitri, who, again, is completely off his shits, and him being off his shits is treated as a problem that Byleth (/the player) needs to “fix.” Felix tells you to do something about Dimitri. Rodrigue asks you to steer Dimitri in a better direction. Gilbert and Dedue both thank you for “saving” Dimitri even before he finishes being off his shits. The Azure Moon route is about forcing Byleth into the position of therapist and having them do emotional labor for Dimitri, which is hilarious if you think about how Byleth didn’t even start having emotions until teaching at the academy, but also unbelievably aggravating to me, as a player, because I don’t want to be a therapist for a murderous sadboy. I don’t like Dimitri. I don’t approve of his actions or behaviors. And I don’t give a shit what his reasons are for it. I’m not here to be his therapist or do that emotional labor, and I shouldn’t have to be. No one should have to be, except a paid therapist, and only because they’re being paid and have agreed to take on the job. But even then, Dimitri is still his own responsiblity. He is a grown fucking man. It shouldn’t be my or anyone else’s job to do this for him. Neither Edelgard or Claude (or Yuri, for that matter, in Cindered Shadows) required this much emotional labor and bullshit, for fucksake.

But of course, in all of this, I think what gets me more than anything present in the entire game is the fact how, from what I’ve seen, people in fandom by and large worship Dimitri and bend themselves into pretzels painting him as heroic while simultaneously spitting bile at Edelgard and making her out to be a villain. The contrast in their respective pages on TV Tropes is stark. I know I shouldn’t be surprised, given that Edelgard is a woman (and a queer woman, at that) and Dimitri is a blond white boy, and that’s just the way these things tend to be, but it still pisses me off and frustrates me to no end. Fandoms are simultaneously the best and worst of times and this will likely never change. (But honestly, if Edelgard’s role was filled by the blond white pretty boy while Dimitri’s was filled by the woman, I guarantee you that reception to them would be flipped right around. Guarantee.)

Anyway, this turned into a huge rant. I didn’t even expect it to be this long when I started writing. But suffice to say that while I’ve not yet finished Azure Moon, it’s currently my least favorite of the routes I’ve played (best is Crimson Flower, then Cindered Shadows because shut up I’m counting it, then Verdant Wind, and then Azure Moon; I’m ignoring the existence of Silver Snow since I cannot imagine ever not siding with Edelgard when I’ve chosen the Black Eagles), and I cannot stand Didi. He is the worst of the House Leaders by far. Considering how much he has in common with Rhea, it shouldn’t be surprising I feel this way about him, but boy, do I feel this way about him. So go ahead and feel validated, anon. You will not find Didi or Azure Moon love on this blog. You are not alone in this, trust.

#this got so long wow #but i mean every word #fucking hate azure moon and cannot stand Dimitri #this is a Didi Alexandre hate blog #(well not really since dedicating a blog to hatred for a fictional character is stupid but) #(you know what I mean) #also it really is fucked up how Didi's trauma over the Tragedy at Duscur is highlighted so much #and he's treated as being so tragic because of it #but Dedue watching his people be genocided and then being discriminated against for his race #is like . . . completely glossed over #and he's OKAY with it and encourages The Whites not to interact with him lest their rep be tarnished #and also is okay with it bc of White Savior Didi #g o d #fucking nasty #worst route #(again not counting Silver Snow in rankings bc I won't play it bc what is the point) #(how could anyone side with Rhea over Edelgard) #(that route doesn't exist tyvm) #anyway #rant over now i promise #fire emblem: three houses #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #Anonymous #meta

[dhiatzs]

Someone probably already thought of this, but...

Something has been bugging me since I’ve finished season 1 of Umbrella Academy and went to see the content of the fandom. This might take long to explain, but well, I’ll go ahead.

The thing is. I love Klaus Hargreeves. I freaking adore this dork. He’s so funny and fascinating, he has sick lines, and his character development rules. I’d protect him with my life. Like I already mentioned, even before I knew the show, I saw drawings and screenshots of him on my dashes and I knew I was going to fall in love with the character.

But as far as I adore him, I know he has flaws. I can see how bad it must be to deal with a drug addict like him. Actually, while the Hargreeves kids were growing up, I can perfectly imagine him stealing money, disappearing, lying to his brothers and sisters, being disrespectful, needing attention and avoiding it at the same time. We see Allison and Luther knowing that he was going to steal, in episode one. And for all we see, everyone is used to what he’s doing because of his addiction. I can imagine them actually trying to help him when they were younger, and trying to reason him, but him being an addict, these attempts remaining useless and unsuccessful. 

And if they were in a loving family, yeah, maybe it wouldn’t have made really sense that they don’t try harder to help him getting rid of his addiction. But they were in an unhealthy home, with an abusive father. So they grew up and parted ways, they all had their own lives and struggles, they all learnt to manage alone, Klaus included, as adults. More or less.

Except for one person. Luther. Luther stayed near his father and did what Reginald wanted him to do. Luther did this because he thought it would be for the greater good. He trusted his father, because even though he was a cold and distant old man, he had faith in him and in his words. He had hopes in his father where everyone else had let go since a long time. And you know what? He was wrong. He followed the wrong person. And he was probably doing it for not-so-heroic purposes, because he was the Number One and thought it was his duty, he probably fulfilled all of this because of pride. But the thing is. It’s how he has been raised. He wasn’t aware of his father abusing Klaus and Vanya when they were younger, but when he was given against his will a monstrous body he hated and felt extremely bad about, he didn’t stop following his father’s orders. Maybe it would have been different if he went through similar things that Klaus and Vanya had to live.

But in any case, when he learns his father lied to him and didn’t care whatsoever for him and the mission he spent literal years of his life focusing on, when he learns that despite being Number One, what he thought was an important duty he was accomplishing for everyone was just some useless purpose, yes, his world falls apart. Yes, he starts being unthinking, uncompassionate. He lost the hope he had, the thing that was giving him steadiness and mostly the thing he grew up on. His siblings saw through their father, they never had hope in him and let go a while ago. Not Luther.

Klaus got kidnapped and tortured, went through war, met someone there he felt in love with and saw him die in front of him. He suffered. He did. And it was an awful thing for him, and for us to watch it. Why didn’t his family wonder where he went, when he’d been kidnapped and was being tortured? Why didn’t they ask themselves that? Where their brother, a junkie, always going here and there, who went to jail and probably loads of times on rehab, where this brother they haven’t seen in years went? Why would they have wondered?

Sure, when we know what happened to him, as viewers of a show, it’s horrible and we wish we could just go into this screen and help this man and protect him. But he didn’t expect his siblings to look for him. He says that himself to Cha-cha and Hazel. Because when he was addict, during these years of being apart from his family, he was alone. He managed. He dealt with himself and his addiction. It’s his life. His struggle. Not theirs. And this time? Well of course he needed the help of a distraction to escape, but he managed again, didn’t he? And he went through war. If anything, I find it kinda... good for the character. He relies on drugs, yes, but not on his siblings. He can take care of himself. Sure, I want him to be taken care of and cared for, but if anything, I’d more gladly watch it being a relationship his siblings and him decided to share rather than an emotional dependency. For now, it didn’t happen, but maybe he’ll hug his siblings, in season 2, maybe he will be able to talk about his problems and being listened to? We’ll see.

Luther, on the other hand, had an emotional dependency to his father. And after this link broke, he saw Allison, the person he loves and cares for the most, almost die because of Vanya. Now, guys, just be aware. I love Vanya. I love every single member of the Hargreeves family (except Reginald he’s trash) equally (almost equally (I mean, Klaus ffs)). But going through facts, even if I don’t approve at all the idea of making Vanya relive her childhood trauma, I can’t... blame Luther for that moment he locked her up. He lose trust in his father and in Pogo not so long ago, and Vanya did hurt Allison, even if it wasn’t on purpose. He couldn’t know what was going to happen. He couldn’t trust the people he’s been relying to for years anymore. So, Vanya? Of course he wasn’t going to listen to her and rather was going to put Allison in safety. 

This post is very long, but I wanted to publish it, even if no one reads it, because I needed to make this point. No one is to blame. Everyone follows a path that leads to decisions, character growth, issues and development, all different and having different causes. I’m not saying you should like Luther, or that you shouldn't not like him (if that makes sense). Anyone can love the character they want, obviously, I’ll never think otherwise. But you can’t compare Klaus’ struggles with Luther’s ones. Not in a serious tone, I mean.

I just want people to think of this. You don’t have to like Luther at all. It’s fair that you don’t like him, he’s not the most lovable character ever. But I’m tired of seeing essentially hatred for him.

#long post #umbrella academy #the umbrella academy #luther hargreeves #the umbrella academy spoilers #klaus hargreeves #allison hargreeves #vanya hargreeves #reginald hargreeves #cw drugs #tw drugs #tw addiction #luther protection squad #number one #number four #number three #number seven

[divainity-a3]

topic: reggie  +  family   (   relationships & dynamic   ) spoiler tw: archie afterlife, reggie & me,  archie comics (2015) GENERAL TW:  ABUSE, ABUSE MENTION, MENTAL ILLNESS  !

abstract:  it’s no secret that reggie’s parents play an absent role,  both in reggie’s life & overall in most of the original, campy archie comics. we see lots of mr. & mrs. andrews, we never get enough of the coopers & the lodges, and we get glimpses of gladys & jellybean jones, but never really the mantles ——— why is that  ?   what do we even know about ricky and vicky mantle, his alleged parents, if anything at all  ? and what little do we get from the comics and wikipedia to give us clues ? in this essay i will be going through the things that i know and accept as canon for my reggie’s relationship with ricky and vicky mantle and why reggie having a brother according to wikipedia makes absolutely no sense  !

                          SECTION  I.   THE  MANTLE  FAMILY  TREE

i. the  mantles  are  an  upper -  middle class  family.  more upper than middle, given how reggie spends his allowance,  &  ranking - wise, i headcanon  the mantles to be the second richest family in riverdale right below the lodges.  since the dawning of the original archie comics in the 50s, we’ve known richard and victoria mantle as  ricky and vicky  mantle, the well-off parents of their son, reginald victor mantle.

ricky canonically owns riverdale’s most popular newspaper the riverdale gazette and while vicky’s profession isn’t specified, i assume she either works in the secretarial portion of the paper along with the mantles’ other enterprises. y’know, the way heteronormative rich couples do. while the paper’s popularity generates a significant amount of revenue for the mantles, it isn’t their main source of income— investments & other business deals are. using their hard earned (not) inheritance and what they’ve made from paper circulation and subscriptions, they turn it into more profit by investing it in the right places. fiscally, the family is very well-off and happy. in every other department ? debatable.

ii.  the mantles are more or less, absent parents. and always have been. for starters, as i said it earlier: we don’t ever see them in the damn comics. even in cw’sriverdale— ricky and vicky are nowhere to be found. even according to reggie’s  wikipedia, we don’t know all too much about his mother and father aside from their professions but the archie reboot comics offer a different perspective that i choose to adopt.

exhibit a.  reggie and me (2015)  / issue #2 context: reggie coming home distressed after having accidentally pushed archie into a pond. betty went off at him, he ran home crying to an empty house. his dog, vader, is narrating, recalling how reggie describes it as one of the worst days of his life.

exhibit b.  reggie and me (2015)  / issue #4 context: reggie attemptng to make an effort with his dad only to be rejected immediately.

exhibit c.  archie (2015)  / issue #6 context: reggie’s coming back home from a failed attempt at persuading hiram lodge to let him into his inner circle.

exhibit d.  afterlife with archie (2015)  /  issue #9 context:  in a dystopian take on archie comics, reggie is reflecting on his entire life existentially while confessing his sins to kevin keller, someone he’s come to trust.

conclusions drawn:

coming home to an empty house wasn’t and still isn’t uncommon for reggie. across the multiple comics i reference, the narrative seems to be the same. his parents consistently don’t show up for him. are constantly working, and more importantly  never home. and even when they are home, they pay no mind to their only son, seen in how reggie attempts to get his fathers attention after seeing archie and his dad play ball. i can also assume that reggie had to raise/take care of himself, given that there’s no maid to be seen in any of the scenes where the ricky and vicky aren’t there. while the mantles clearly make sure he doesn’t starve, they don’t exactly do… anything else. as we see when reggie comes home crying, no one’s there to hold him. no one’s there to tell him he’s okay and that he’s valid. so he has to tell himself. and as he gets older and more self-sufficient, his parents start giving even less of a fuck about him being on his own. furthermore, reggie also has to teach himself what is right and wrong as a result, having little to no guidance from the people who are supposed to fulfill that role. obviously, we know how that works out.

ricky and vicky missed out on a lot of reggie’s milestones. being out on business trips all the time leads me to believe that the mantles missed out on a lot of reggie’s overall life and more importantly accomplishments (even if he doesn’t have a lot of them). to name a few things, i headcanon the mantles to have missed his middle school graduation, his first football game, multiple recitals through the years, and the day reggie got deemed captain of the football team, something he actually considers one of his bigger achievements in life. i also headcanon that reggie had to teach himself how to drive, shave, ask a girl out and all the other cheesy, heteronormative stuff rich families instill. the mantles sure do come back to reap the benefits though, happy to use reggie for bragging rights.

reggie blamed himself a lot for his parents not being around and developed deep-seeded insecurities about it growing up.i think it’s reasonable to think that a child as young as he was used to believe that something was wrong with him with his parents never seeming to want to be around him. that shit hurt him and that is where reggie’s need to constantly be around people and have companionship comes from—— it’s an underlying desire to be wanted for once. but he’d never tell that to anyone.

reggie acting out started out as an attempt to get attention from his parents. the only time parents will really be forced to pay attention to their children is when they have to answer for them. so it’s reasonable, i think, to assume that a lot of his bad behavior started out at least as a way to get his parents to give him the time of day. i don’t think the same applies to reggie in the present day, but nonetheless, —————old habits die hard. more on that, later.

                                SECTION  II.   THE  MANTLE  LEGACY

i.  reggie is, and always will be, an only child. according to reggie’s wikipedia, he also allegedly has a younger brother named oliver mantle that made a brief appearance once in a single issue like 40 years ago. in my canon, i’m choosing to ignore this for two reasons: a.because it literally just doesn’t make any sense for reggie to have any siblings. ricky and vicky can barely take care of reggie, god forbid they abuse and neglect another child. the idea is nice and it would mean that reggie would have someone to confide in, but alas i don’t think the mantles would be so …  kind.

and b.  because there’s absolutely no significant information and/or canon attached to thisalleged oliver mantle and so i have to conclude that he was just thrown in at some point during the original archie run because the writers realized they didn’t develop reggie’s family background in any aspect.

ii.  however, reggie does have two cousins. the writers do this on multiple occasions to all the characters, throwing in relatives here and there and they actually did give reggie two cousins which i actually do accept in my canon. their names are regina(first cousin) and may (third removed cousin), both of which are from vicky’s side of the family. reggie doesn’t care for may all that much but regina is someone he actually can get along with as they share the same kind of humor.

other than that reggie’s the only mantle heir, putting immense pressure on him to marry rich and carry on the family name———— but that’s a different meta for another time.

  SECTION III.  PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE   &   NEGLECT

ii.  reggie himself is a victim physical and emotional abuse, mainly from his father, in addition to overall parental neglect. now don’t get it twisted, i’m not saying ms. vicky had absolutely nothing to do with reggie’s childhood trauma, but ricky certainly had the more prominent role as an instigator and we get proof of that on several occasions. i headcanon that vicky never laid a finger on reggie and truly does love him deep down, but her passiveness & allowing the abuse to happen has made reggie view her just as antagonistically as he does ricky ( and for good reason ). she’s a bystander and nothing more, a spineless bitch that never intervened, only spoiled him in hopes it would make up for his emotional scars. she pretends she’s not as bad, reggie thinks and knows otherwise.

exhibit a: afterlife with archie (2015)  /  issue #9 context:  in a dystopian take on archie comics, reggie is reflecting on his entire life existentially while confessing his sins to kevin keller, someone he’s come to trust. the first page of the issue is titled  ARCHIE & REGGIE,  all about comparing the two and their different persona’s but more importantly, their different upbringings.

conclusions drawn:

while the sentiment of this side-by-side is aimed to highlight the fact that reggie is a spoiled kid that likes to act out, what stands out more so to me is what looks like intense pressure to perform from ricky.  while i did say earlier that reggie’s parents have a very absent role in his life, obviously there are public appearances to keep up. the mantles can’t come across as unsupportive an absent, they need to put on an image. while you’d think this is a good thing that would force the mantles to show up more, my concern here comes from the reason for the fight being over the fact that reggie’s team, not just reggie, not winning a baseball game. despite never being there to emotionally support reggie, to me it seems like ricky expects perfection. i believe the pressure might be more so for athletic performance than academic, given that reggie’s wikidoes specifically cite reggie’s natural-born athletic excellence. i think it’s also worth noting as well that since my reggie is asian and i firmly believe this pressure is present (i’m asian myself, the struggle is real). reggie has slowly cared less and less and we’ll get to that later but, you get it.

the panels also have drastically different interactions between parent and child, ricky’s looking borderline abusive and more importantly, public. one could argue that it only looks like ricky only has a tight pinch on reggie’s ear, but i also have concerns about the extent of ricky’s expectations and what lengths he’d go to make them known, especially when reggie didn’t fulfill them as a kid. this leads me to my next piece of evidence.

exhibit b:   archie (2015)  /  issue #30 context: ricky has recently bailed him out reggie out of jail, having been charged with vehicular manslaughter. despite ricky having pulled several strings to get him out, reggie’s still acting out and in getting ready for the riverdale spring dance, has taken it upon himself to go through his father’s wardrobe without asking to dress himself for the occasion.

conclusions drawn:

reggie has an unforgiving memory. rightfully so, as he’s been going through this vicious cycle for as long as he can remember, but take note his ability to citeextremely hurtful things that ricky has been guilty of saying about his own son and, in some cases, said to his own son’s face. he plays it off as a snarky comeback, but to me, that’s a cheap coping mechanism and speaks to a greater desensitization on reggie’s end towards constantly receiving such disappointing and demeaning remarks from his own father. he  expects it, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to hear.

ricky has a horrible temper. i say this because his temper is shown to go from 0 to 100 extremely quick (literally read any of the new archie reboot, you’ll pick up on it) until reggie puts him in his place. i honestly headcanon that ricky hasundiagnosed bpd  (disclaimer: my mother has bpd) and that this extreme range of temperament is something reggie has had to develop a defense to and it’s taken years for him to do. it’d take a lot of convincing to try and tell me that this temper has never escalated into physical altercations. especially from a toxically masculine man like ricky ? no chance.  

the abuse is physical as well as emotional.  absent parenting aside, look at the way ricky’s holding onto reggie’s collar. that grip is like ice and furthermore it’s also the first thing ricky does in confronting his own son. immediate physical invasion of space isn’t promising in parental maneuvers and yeah, we might’ve laughed all the time at how archie’s parents would grab him by the ear and drag him home when he was in trouble in the classic comics, it was all in good fun back in the day but reggie didn’t get the same, comical treatment. in fact, far from it.

it’s happened before.  the way reggie cuts his father off right in the middle of his alleged apology, simply telling him to get out of his personal space? the fact thatreggie has to tell him to stop makes it seem like ricky is a creature of habit and that he defaults unhealthily to physical confrontation. and honestly who would be surprised ? reggie’s immediate, nearly nonchalant defense makes me think he’s done this many times before. whether or not ricky’s willingness to back off comes from him trying to improve himself as a father, his efforts don’t seem to be working.

reggie’s acting out has become a method of survival. this argument is bit of speculation on my end and comes from what makes sense to me, but in my eyes reggie’s acting out as an almost-adult is both an act of defiance and an act of survival. i headcanon that once reggie grew up and became more aware of his family’s ‘clout,’ he began to weaponize it. remember the  ‘mantle family image’  thing i talked about earlier? jackpot. while reggie might have had to put up with abuse silently growing up, he soon figured out that if his father was gonna do anything, he couldn’t leave a mark. otherwise, people would ask questions.  i mean, imagine if he went to the press with a sob story about all the times conglomerate boss ricky mantle hurt his own son… what would his family do then ?  reggie doesn’t give a fuck about the family, and for that he has leverage. the mantles can’t have a scandal, that’s bad for business !  reggie holds that over his father’s head, knowing it’ll get him to back off the way he does in the last panels and ricky knows better than to test his son’s boldness. so reggie doing whatever he wants, knowing ricky can’t do jack shit to him ? that’shis power source. that’s what gets him out of bed every day. it’s where his hubris comes from, his arrogance. knowing he’s the shit because he is.  this is where he finds his ground, making sure he never gets hurt again, and if he does it’s only on his terms. no one elses.

tl; dr:   ricky and vicky mantle aren’t shit, there’s absolutely no way reggie has a brother, reggie raised himself for the most part since he was about 9 years old, reggie grew up and continues to grow up in an empty house,  a good portion of reggie’s insecurities come from his childhood when he blamed himself for his parents not being around, and reggie is a victim of emotional and physical abuse as well as neglect.

so have mercy on him. he isn’t inherently evil and while his actions aren’t always excusable, it’s worth remembering that no one was there to teach him otherwise.

#I. ❰ HEADCANONS / METAS. ❱ #reposting this bc im remaking reg's old blog

[morebedsidebooks]

15 Years Later Batman: War Games

I’ve considered myself a comics fan from the time as a little girl I received hand-me-down superhero comics from one of my older brothers. I spent a good deal of my childhood wrapped up in various tales published by DC comics mainly but, also other American creations as well as those from Asia and Europe. Lately I’ve been diving back into some of those DC comics. One character from Batman, Poison Ivy has remained one of my all-time favourites. But I’m not going to be writing about Pam today despite her being a recent topic of conversation. The reason being, during my trip down memory lane I was reminded of another contentious event in DC comics history. The October 2004 issue of Detective Comics #797 included the first part of “Low” a three-part story about Poison Ivy and the Riddler. However, that issue also started the first Act of War Games, an event which with prelude War Drums added in engulfed Batman comics for 10 months beginning earlier in March that year.

War Games, where a hypothetical stratagem Batman devised against Gotham’s underworld is put into action with disastrous consequences, can be memorable for several reasons. I remember it because of another beloved Batman character to me who played a major role Stephanie Brown, aka the Spoiler and for a short time also the fourth Robin among other designations. (She was however not the first young lady Robin if one includes The Dark Knight Returns which is outside main continuity.) The treatment of Stephanie, in War Games is the reason that I took a break from reading DC comics for a long time. 2019 marks 15 years since those events. So, with DC once again facing criticisms about how it wrangles philosophy and portrays violence, trauma and death I think it is time to revisit some of Stephanie’s history too.

Stephanie Brown was created in 1992 by Chuck Dixon and Tom Lyle debuting in Detective Comics #647. A teenager from some difficult circumstances with a criminal dad and mother with a prescription addiction.

She becomes a vigilante named Spoiler to thwart her father, eventually gaining allies and older mentors, also dating Tim Drake the third Robin.

Stephanie like those around her is not a perfect character having her share of mistakes and tribulations but, she also strives to improve and works towards making some difference in the world that isn’t as it should be. The Robin comic was particularly noteworthy for chapters featuring her teen pregnancy by an ex-boyfriend and the decision to put the child up for adoption. (Robin #65, 1999)

As well as in another powerful issue her confiding about an attempted rape at age 11 by her father’s friend who was left to watch her during an effort at rehab for her mother. (Robin #111, 2003)

Through it all she had a perseverance and resilience that became inspiring and her efforts and convictions led to her becoming a part of the Bat-family. So, it was quite a development when unable to stop the sudden murder of a key ally Orpheus (whose bloody body would be featured across pages to come as well) she was extensively tortured by the villain Black Mask, leading to a likewise incredibly difficult death scene with Batman by her bedside at the end of the third act of War Games in December 2004. Orpheus became a martyr figure (currently his last appearance which feels like a waste, along with the causticity  of killing off a character that talked about representation) and characters mourned Stephanie too, with a whole host of emotions as fans tried to come to terms also.

Not to be outdone though some months later when questions arose in War Crimes, the situation around Stephanie’s fate would get even worse with another principal character Dr. Leslie Thompkins given some of the worst (and out of character) motivations for not properly treating Stephanie, betraying her profession and the people close to her.

After Thompkins’ clinic becomes ground zero for the casualties in the massive gang war it’s an absurd decision to send a message to Bruce and young protégés about their actions. Not the first time the heartbreak would be used in such a manner either. It’s not all happy endings. It would be almost four years before DC returned to Stephanie’s fate retconning, revealing the truth of her death as a deliberate falsehood. (Robin #174, July 2008)

However, pouring more salt on the wound those years were a period during which she was also disrespected in death, an executive editor saying Stephanie was never a true Robin despite that going against Batman’s own words written in the comic on more than one occasion. Unsurprisingly behind the scenes editorial decisions about torturing and killing a 16-year-old teenage character apparently did not sit well with all the writers either. Stephanie taking on the Robin role was some small bright point of achievement to be wrestled before the horrible events to come, but also working as a ploy readers would fall into. When Tim’s father has it out with Bruce to put it mildly after discovering their vigilante personas, the developments of a new Robin (a position Stephanie held story-wise only 71 days before Batman fired her) did reportedly boost sales.

But she further had to die as Spoiler because another dead Robin is too much, for Batman. Young as I was in 1988, I too remember the spectacle death of Jason Todd the second Robin whose memory looms from the start in the prologue War Drums.

DC wasn’t done with him either. Reading stories of Jason, some that felt like the material I’d been craving for a long time, nevertheless always make me wonder where we’d be if the vote on his survival all those years ago had been different. A Death in the Family would seem to be a culmination after other titles usually on one’s lips around the experimentation of the late 80s less of interrogation and maturity perceiving a world growing darker inside and out but, the one question of what is too far to come back from.

And 16 years after it, well a dead Spoiler tortured and gone was too much for me. After nearly just as much time again today in 2019 marking the 15th anniversary of War Games I’m surprised in fact at how much the story even now hits me right in the chest. It’s been a long time with many, many people creating countless more titles at DC Comics. Including stories featuring Stephanie Brown who has gone on to take the mantle of Batgirl at one point (that same executive editor finally acknowledging how she connected to a portion of the fanbase and Bat-family in 2009) and likewise been reimagined through the reboots of the comics. (Stephanie in Rebirth’s Victim Syndicate in 2016 was particularly striking to me.)

Yet, I remember most clearly the earlier Stephanie perhaps by virtue being a teenager back then too. Or maybe in a similar fashion as impressionable of a moment as the comics I first received from one of my older brothers, as a young adult War Games seared into me a visual of a brand which gives its characters direction from bad places, hope, lets them rise and then to paraphrase it as a writer once did crush them like a bug. As a young child I could say wow Robins can die. Older, I could ask so what does it mean.

There are all kinds of stories, and what they offer to people as diverse as humanity itself. The ugly, tragedies and heartbreaks are important too for many reasons. I could write instead about such examples I’m fond of or, respect. Pieces of fiction that dance that line of examining and representing truth, little windows maybe the glass becoming a mirror that’s more painful because it is so familiar or, cuts when it breaks. Superheroes don’t live in the real world. But there is a very real world we live in where there are people that have and are growing up with no trust in authorities, screwed up parents, losing parents, becoming parents, facing sexual assault, abuse, gang violence and schools becoming yet another killing ground among other challenges. These sort of wars that are fought can leave a host of scars and casualties. Whether those 18 years or so are good or bad we’re lucky if they are only a small part of a larger life. Too often that’s not the case. But still, I have to ask when I pick up a comic and seem to find the same over and over, as time marches on what about this common story of harm and death has changed and what is its legacy?

#superhero comics #batman war games #stephanie brown #the spoiler #robin #15 years later

[demigodofhoolemere]

Oh boy. Here we go. Gonna try to get my Endgame thoughts out. Usually I give spoiler-free versions as well, but... you really can’t say a word about this movie that isn’t a spoiler, so everything goes under the cut.

~~~

Shortest summary: the things that were good were really good, but the things that were bad were just as bad (aka disappointing), and there are gray areas in between that I have complicated feelings for.

I’ll start with the bad so I can end with the good.

Complaints

- Anyone who knows how I feel about Ragnarok knows that the first and most frustration-filled complaint has to be about Thor. I try not to speak too openly about my feelings for that movie, because a) I don’t want to ruin anyone’s fun by saying how much I hate the thing they love, no one wants to hear that, and b) I don’t want to be eaten alive for it anyway. But given that we’re under the cut now: I really hate that movie. And there’s a plethora of things I could get into about that which I won’t, the important point here is that I can’t stand Thor’s characterization. They stripped him of everything that made him who he was, to the point of such unrecognizability that I only call him by name in quotation marks or refer to him as Fake Thor. I know how many people consider the overhaul an improvement, but I genuinely loved who he once was, and they turned my boy into the exact kind of character that I hate ten out of ten times. Infinity War, while still very much trying to keep with who he’d become, seemed like it was attempting to course-correct and let him actually be serious again, he definitely had some moments that I liked where I could see him as the Thor I know peeking out again. Foolishly I assumed Endgame would follow suit, especially since this is supposed to be the biggest, darkest movie ever. Instead I’m subjected to a “Thor” who is SOMEHOW even further removed from recognition and manages to even be an insult to Ragnarok Thor, who in the very least refused to give up on his goals and knew that hiding and drinking wasn’t the answer to problems. This yet newer version is drinking himself into oblivion and not trying even a bit to actually be any kind of leader for his people, and it’s all played for laughs. This genuinely tragic and miserable state they put him in is all played for laughs. I was looking forward to seeing how they’d have Thor respond to his trauma and depression, foolishly thinking that his characterization might be slowly headed to a better place and it might be something like how we used to see Thor deal with his pain (quietly, soldiering on, but clearly without his heart completely in it, he tries to be okay and he hides it and he smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes, and he hurts and he grieves but he never gives up because surrender is not in his nature) — but it turns out the man can’t even be depressed without it being a joke. It honestly pained me to watch and I wanted to throw up, because it feels like a stranger walking around in Thor’s corpse, and because it was all just one long joke about him being sad and fat (like that’s okay to make fun of?), and all of this during the hugest movie event ever. The culmination of a decade of stories, and this is what we get. A disgrace in every way. It’s terrible but when Thanos was digging the weapon into his chest, I was actually hoping he’d die. I can’t take it anymore. The only reason I have left for caring whether he lives is purely for Loki’s sake at this point, because he shouldn’t have to lose his brother, but then again, I really don’t even feel like his brother is home anymore. The lights are on but it’s someone else in the house and I don’t know who he is, all I know is I never want to have to see him again. (When Frigga says he’s not the Thor she knows... I know she meant it differently but that was a mood).

- Also, he never talks about Loki for a second, not a single namedrop, he’s not even alluded to in the present day outside of the audience simply knowing that it’s part of the reason Thor hates Thanos, but it’s vague at best. He outright walks past Loki in his cell without a moment of reaction. Their entire history and bond is treated as nonexistent. Thanks.

- While they were at it the movie also refused to acknowledge anything that Thanos did to Loki pre-New York, which I really didn’t expect but it would have been nice. Best we have is two seconds in IW of Bruce saying that he “sent” him, which really doesn’t do justice to the truth of it. And the thing is... I don’t know that I can even expect the Loki series to address it, either. It’s not present day Loki, which I’m peeved about because I wanted him back, and now we lose all post-Avengers character development, and I lose hope of seeing the one thing I’ve wanted for this character in the 7 years I’ve known and loved him: healing. I’ve only ever wanted to see him get help, figure out his mind, figure out who he wants to be, make progress and get better. Goodness knows that’s all Tom ever talks about wanting for him, too. I doubt that will happen now, given that a) they had Loki peace out with the Tesseract and b) the synopsis was something about him traveling through Earth history and influencing events, both of which tell me we could easily be going down the ‘haha I love stealing the Tesseract and stabbing people at random’ road that I so don’t want to go down, with an added ‘I want to screw up time just because’ for good measure. He’s a trickster, yes, but he didn’t used to be like this, and if this is all they’ll let him be then I lose hope of seeing him allowed to be emotional, or having any of his trauma acknowledged, or being shown to have actual personal motivations and desires outside of mischief, and the hope that he would have a moral code and display a capacity for goodness (yes, Loki has those things) is likely a pipe dream. Tom is my only hope, and knowing how he is with the character, his hands are extremely safe ones to be in and I know that no matter what’s written he’ll do all he can to bring as much truth to Loki as possible, but it still depends on who’s in charge, and unless by miracle it ends up being Kenneth Branagh, I have trust issues. I’m happy he’s alive at all but I’m worried about my boy. I just want him back from the present day, revived from having to be brutally murdered by his torturer, and out of the hands of anyone who’s not going to take care of his character.

- By the way, is “the sun will shine on us again” really just false hope after all that? He was the only optimistic person in the movie and had a suspicious 3+ minute absence where he could have been doing anything, and nothing comes of that? I mean, I’m grateful for the true sacrifice, and I’m glad the Russos know that he would do that (my issue with the scene not being that he uses a dagger, but only that we’re not shown him trying anything else first; I believe he’d do what he did if it was the last possible thing he could attempt, I just wish we’d been shown that that was definitively the case), and that it didn’t lean into the ‘oh he just loves faking his death’ misunderstanding, but I was kinda hoping for a reversal, you know? It wouldn’t change the impact, he still made his choice and it’s still massive for the character, it just... wouldn’t have to be permanent... please I miss my son so much.

- PROFFESOR HULK. I was afraid they’d go down this route, and it seemed more or less confirmed by the time the movie was about to come out. I’m highly uncomfortable with the whole concept, I’ve never liked it in any medium. Bruce was already OOC as well at times, particularly his first scene in the diner, but having him do this pretty much equates to him murdering Hulk. It’s Bruce’s consciousness in Hulk’s body, which kind of kicks out Hulk. Is his mind trapped inside or is he just gone? Either way, there’s clearly no intention of ever reversing this, which ends up still effectively killing Hulk no matter how you go about it. The arc Bruce has been on was supposed to be about him accepting Hulk, and the two of them learning to work together better. Having Bruce decide that he only wants the body is NOT conflict resolution. They acted like it was the best of both worlds, as if Hulk was only ever a secondary body and not an actual separate living personality, which drives me crazy. He was unceremoniously taken out, offscreen, by the same man who gave him life. He deserved better than that, he deserved to live. Now we’ll never see him again. Not a fun day to be a Hulk fan.

- Over-the-top humor where there shouldn’t have been. I love good humor, I’m grateful for relief from angst, and there were some very good funny moments, but there comes a point where it shouldn’t be done, if you can’t do it well and in a way that is not inappropriate for the tone (hint: fat jokes are inappropriate for the tone). Humor abuse is frustratingly growing more and more common, in Marvel and in general.

- Angst for the sake of angst regardless of whether it could have been avoided. I know that much of fiction works like this but still. Stephen could have used the Time Stone on Tony’s injuries to bring him to the moment before it happened, so that he could be saved without undoing the victory. He saved Wong that way, Thanos used the stone on Vision without changing anything else around him, we know it’s possible. Same could have been done for Nat, too. And my sister pointed out that they should have just time traveled to somewhere in that 22-day timespan to get the stones from Thanos before he destroyed them, because they were all together and it would have saved them the time heist and the massive battle. I know the movie would have been over quickly, but seriously, they went to a lot of trouble that they didn’t need to. I like having reasons for why things have to be done or not done a certain way, rather than asking me to ignore the obvious ways out.

- The time travel logic REALLY needed to be explained better. They made a point of contradicting the traditionally accepted time travel rules, and made a minor attempt at explaining how they were choosing to do it, but didn’t make it clear enough to follow. I can’t figure out for the life of me what’s supposed to become of Gamora, or why Nebula killing herself in the past doesn’t kill her in the present, or what in the world happens to personal timelines that have been tampered with (Loki not experiencing TDW and onward, Peggy not having her family, etc), among many other questions. Nothing makes any sense and they left a total mess in their wake. It felt like they were just giving themselves a pass to do whatever they wanted rather than follow any logic.

- On that note: Gamora. As much as I refuse to give up hope for her, it seems to me that they’re not planning on fixing that. The only reason I hadn’t been as panicked for her wellbeing as I could have been was because I figured they couldn’t just leave things that way. I remembered James Gunn once said that Vol 3 could be watched without having seen IW and Endgame, which implied to me that there would be no Guardians deaths that wouldn’t get undone, but now I’m wondering if it’s set before IW or I just misremembered what he said entirely - either way it’s feeling like we’re really just starting over with 2014 Gamora, which is all kinds of messed up to 2018 Gamora. What kind of ending is that? Killed by her abusive kidnapper “father”, and trying to make the audience sympathetic to his pain? That scene was beautifully done, in a sick and twisted way, but it needs to be fixed. I want her back in one piece. She deserved to see the end of Thanos, in her own normal timeline and not in her new one, and move on with her life and her sister and her family. Justice for Gamora.

- Rocket calling Mantis “the chick with the antennae”, as if he wasn’t friends with her for four years. I’m pretending that he was just getting too emotional saying all of their names and decided to distance himself from it, because that’s the only thing that makes sense, unless he’s legitimately having a memory problem in his older age. Rocket is gruff but his team is his family and that includes Mantis.

- Five years later. Why. Please don’t make my kids go through this for five years. You only did this for the Morgan pain, you sadists. You know that’s the only reason you did this, it didn’t need to be five years, why do you like to hurt me—

- In general it just felt like it didn’t live up to the promises Infinity War made? It feels like a completely different event.

- No Dum-E and U at the funeral. Unrealistic, Tony wouldn’t stand to have his bots left out. I know this isn’t important, but it’s important.

Conflicting Feelings

- Less worried about Vision since I know he and Wanda have a show coming and Feige said that the Disney+ shows are post-Endgame, but we don’t know in what capacity he’ll appear. He could be emotionless White Vision, or Wanda could be going House-of-M style and hallucinating him or trying to change reality to keep him, or who knows what else. Hopefully it’s all good. Cautiously optimistic?

- Not sure about Clint becoming a killer. I can buy a mourning family man having that anger in him, and I know Ronin is a comics thing and that historically he can have a bit of a temper at times, but at the same time... it’s Clint. I can’t figure out how I feel about it.

- What Tony did was amazing and everything, but Nebula still should have been the one to kill Thanos.

- Making it five years later makes things very awkward for setting things right. If you were to undo everything, you erase important things that happened in the time since, especially children born (and when they introduced Morgan I knew what path they were taking). It makes sense to bring people back without turning the time back. But the snapped people also miss five years of world developments, five years of their loved ones’ lives, and will now forever be younger than people that they used to be older than. Worse, it won’t undo the damage that was done outside of the snap. People who died in crashes because their drivers or pilots disappeared, people who died on operating tables because their surgeons disappeared, people who committed suicide because they couldn’t live with what happened. Those people are never coming back, unless we pretend that Tony took them into account when he fixed things. It’s just... no matter what way you go about fixing things, it’s uncomfortable for somebody.

- Nat’s death. Conflicted purely because I love her and I want her back. The death was incredibly well done and emotionally impactful and believable for the character and the journey she’s been on all these years. Can’t say enough for how much I loved she and Clint stopping each other back and forth, and how flipping proud I am of her and who she is. I would bring her back in a heartbeat and I’m completely devastated, but I’m so proud. However, where was her funeral?

- Tony... I sooo prepped myself for the wrong Avenger. I’ve been expecting Steve to die for years now, so that’s what I went in thinking would happen, and while I did have my concerns and occasional doubts, I had become like 90% convinced that Tony would be okay because I didn’t think they could actually do it, especially with him having so much to live for. It’s utterly heartbreaking, because we’ve gone through YEARS with him, he’s suffered so much and he’s earned his happy ending a thousand times over, it was owed to him, and to watch him die when happiness was within his grasp... that’s not entertainment anymore, you know? It’s just twisted and sadistic. I can see how it ties things together and wraps up his story, but not in a satisfying way. I wanted nothing more than for him to get to live with his family. If he had to die, the way they did it was amazing, it was beautiful and epic and it meant something, the reactions of Pepper and the others were completely heartbreaking in every horrible way, they used so many callbacks to his previous movies and especially the first one (I am NOT even getting into all of them, holy crap, they murdered me so many times over), it hit in all the right ways and it was all the right kinds of angst, it’s exactly the kind of thing I’d have done if I had to write that... but I didn’t want this. I’m devastated beyond description. I had to watch my sweet boy die with my own two eyes. He built the MCU from the ground up and this is his sendoff. It’s certainly one befitting his character, but that doesn’t mean it’s what he deserved. I want to erase this from my memories. Nothing happened, it’s fine.

- This one is going to sound cruel, but... as much as I don’t want Steve to die, I would have been less dissatisfied if it had been him. He had less to lose, I felt. He never truly felt like he belonged in the 21st century, he always struggled to figure himself and his place in life out, never seemed very comfortable in his own skin. It would have made sense for him to be the one to make the sacrifice. I could have accepted him achieving his personal peace in reuniting with the loved ones he’s lost, he’d get so much of his life back even if it had to be in the next one.

- On the Steve note, I love him and Peggy as much as the next person, truly truly truly, but... she had a family, she had an entire life. The Russos claim that the family still exists, but because none of this timeline stuff was made clear, it just feels like Steve erased her whole history so he could be with her and it honestly came across as uncharacteristically selfish of him. Yes, he deserves happiness as much as any of the Avengers, and believe me, I was sobbing watching them finally get their dance. Part of me is happy and satisfied. But... it doesn’t feel right. Not him messing with her life, not him going through all of those decades knowing what was happening to Bucky and doing nothing, not any of it. Obviously I know he struggled to move on, I mentioned that above, but he DID create a family and he had friends and people he loved, and he just left them. It doesn’t sit well. It gets worse when you factor Sharon into it, because for one thing, she’d now be his grand-niece and he’d have to live with the knowledge that he’s kissed her, and for another, talk about one last kick to the dead horse that was any hope of Sharon being allowed an ounce of good treatment from the MCU. There was a draft of IW where she and Steve were trying to live in an apartment together, that kind of seals the deal that they were attempting a relationship, and yet... not one bit of consideration for her. I’ve never even shipped the two together, but I care about Sharon and she has been done SO dirty, I feel so bad. I wish I could be happy about Steve and Peggy’s happy ending without so many things hanging uncomfortably overhead.

Good

- Got to watch Thanos die twice.

- Got to watch Tony and Nebula play table football.

- Clint has finally returned to me!!!

- So many good character interactions with emotional depth and people truly being friends. Eating sandwiches and laying around brainstorming. Steve and Natasha is always a favorite. Nat and Clint absolutely destroyed me, I love how they are as close as is humanly possible without crossing the romantic threshold (pretty similar to her with Steve, come to think of it). I loved Tony and Nebula’s relationship, and her scenes with Rhodey were meaningful. She and Rocket holding hands, my heart. Some good Rhodey and Carol content in there. Very nice to see Scott interact with people more properly than he got to in CW, and to see the Guardian survivors dealing with their Earth friends (I am never getting over Nat receiving emails from Rocket). That Clint and Wanda moment got me. Also just... so nice to see Clint even exist to interact with anyone at all, frankly. And I finally started to believe Steve and Tony as friends in this canon. A little.

- Generally just emotional about all of my babies.

- MARRIED PEPPERONY. WITH A CHILD. PRECIOUS FATHER TONY STARK. ALL MY DREAMS COME TRUE. I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN. I CAN’T GET INTO THIS. IT’S TOO MUCH FOR MY HEART. I HAVE TO LEAVE IT AT THAT.

- Gamora and Nebula being sisters!

- Harley! This wasn’t how I wanted to see him again, but Harley!

- A few seconds of light of my life Janet van Dyne!

- And Hank! Present day AND amazing 70s flashback hair with that beautiful classic Ant-Man helmet that would have been completely impractical function-wise but that I love and appreciate seeing!

- Scott and Cassie killed me. Anything Ant-Man related killed me. I have so many questions about what happened to people. What was Cassie’s living situation like? Are Maggie and Paxton okay? Luis? Kurt and Dave? I hope Ava did get snapped, actually, for her own sake considering she needed the particles to live and she wouldn’t have been getting them, and I don’t want Bill to be without her so hopefully they went together and can come back together.

- Carol. Just Carol.

- Rocket is always a delight.

- Again with the Budapest baiting! I want to know!

- Loved seeing the Ancient One! A breath of fresh air in a rollercoaster of breathlessness.

- The bit with Peter Quill on Morag made me smile so big. Loved the bonus shot of him singing along badly when we can’t hear the song. I needed that bit of happiness. Plus, GotG is one of the only ones I never ended up seeing when it was still in theaters, so it was great to be able to experience at least that part on the big screen.

- Man, going back to 2012 made me miss those days so hard.

- Appreciated the Winter Soldier references and appearances.

- Steve knowing he could disarm himself just by mentioning Bucky, my heart!

- Edwin Jarvis, my love! I can’t believe they incorporated one of the shows into one of the movies!

- Tony with Howard was so emotional. I know a lot of people hate Howard, and I get why, but I’ve always enjoyed seeing him, and I’m grateful that Tony has been able to really get closure in regards to his relationship with his father. It doesn’t change the negligence, but it’s important that Tony be able to be in a good place, I’m happy he’s healing. He made my heart turn mush during that sequence.

- WHEN STEVE WAS STANDING ON HIS OWN AGAINST THANOS AND HIS ENTIRE ARMY. POWERFUL.

- AND SUDDENLY YOU HEAR SAM’S VOICE AND “ON YOUR LEFT” AND YOU CRY.

- AND SUDDENLY YOU SEE A PORTAL OPENING AND YOU SCREAM BECAUSE LIGHT OF YOUR LIFE STEPHEN VINCENT STRANGE IS ALIVE.

- AND SUDDENLY YOUR WAKANDAN BABIES ARE BACK AND YOUR CHEST SWELLS.

- AND SUDDENLY EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED IS ALL THERE AND IT’S A BEAUTIFUL POWERFUL ENSEMBLE AND EVERYTHING THAT YOU NEEDED.

- AND AVENGERS ASSEMBLE. FINALLY.

- AND PEPPER COMES IN THE RESCUE ARMOR THAT YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR SINCE 2013 AND SHE AND TONY ARE A BACK-TO-BACK POWER COUPLE.

- AND TONY AND PETER REUNITE AND ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD.

- AND STEPHEN IS MOSES AND IT’S AMAZING.

- AND WANDA IS READY TO FLIPPING OBLITERATE THANOS AND START UNLEASHING SOME CHAOS MAGIC AND YOU’VE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE.

- AND CAROL IS WRECKING THANOS’S SHIPS AND YOU’RE LAUGHING WITH GLEE.

- AND ALL OF THE WOMEN GATHER PROTECTIVELY AROUND PETER AND YOU’VE NEVER RELATED TO ANY OF THEM MORE AND YOU DON’T EVEN CARE THAT IT’S CONTRIVED THAT IT’S CONVENIENTLY ALL OF THE WOMEN BECAUSE THIS IS WAY TOO AWESOME OF A SHOT TO NITPICK.

- AND SCOTT AND HOPE ARE ADORABLE AND PERFECT.

- AND GAMORA DOESN’T KNOW PETER AND YOU CRY.

- AND STEVE IS WIELDING MJOLNIR AND YOU’RE SCREAMING BECAUSE YOU KNEW IT, WORTHY WORTHY WORTHY WORTHY WORTHY!!!!!

- AND YOU KEEP SCREAMING THROUGH THE ENTIRE BATTLE BECAUSE IT’S INCREDIBLE!!!

- I’M STILL LIVING ON THAT HIGH IN CASE YOU COULDN’T TELL!!!

- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- And then just. Stephen lifts a finger. And you know.

- “I. Am. Iron Man.”

- Honestly thought he was going to say ‘invincible’ as a shout-out to his comic adjective but the full circle is way better and I’m a wreck. All hail Anthony Edward Stark.

- Watching Thanos turn to dust is very, very satisfying.

- For all of the years they teased Bucky!Cap, you’d think I’d be a bit put out that we’re not getting it, but honestly? Sam!Cap is a better fit, I think. Bucky needs rest, he deserves to not have to fight anymore. Sam has the skills and personality of a good leader, setting a moral example you want to follow, he embodies what it means and what it takes to be Captain America. He’s gonna be awesome at it.

- Peter and Ned reuniting at school! Babies!

- Happy’s general presence just made me weepy, I love him and we owe Jon Favreau everything.

- Erik Selvig on a screen! Why he was listed as deceased when there’s a (supposedly?) canon tie-in book that features him very much alive, I have no idea, but seeing him made me smile nonetheless.

- Seeing 2012 Thor again made me SO happy you have NO idea holy crap.

- Just seeing Loki again at all. Mimicking Steve, being snarky, waving goodbye to Hulk in the elevator. I’m happy to accept that little bit as canon, because it was actually good. It was what I needed to soothe my soul. I miss you, my beautiful sassmaster child. Come back to me.

- And Loki in the cell. That was always one of my favorite shots anyway, but just... such a breath of air. To see Loki on the big screen again, and not just that, but to specifically get a Dark World clip? I feel alive.

- The fact that Dark World is even being acknowledged as having existed is greatly pleasing to me, let alone being treated to seeing some of it again. Those were the freaking days, man.

- SEEING ASGARD AGAIN MADE ME SOB. MY TEARS WERE NOT PRETTY, BUT ASGARD SURE WAS. I MISS YOU, ASGARD.

- JANE FREAKING FOSTER. MY GIRL. I HOPED SHE’D SHOW BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO EXPECT ANYTHING BUT OH MY WORD DID I CRY. I CRIED SO HARD. I FINALLY GOT TO SEE HER AGAIN AFTER SO LONG. IT’S BEEN SO FLIPPING LONG BUT MY GIRL IS FINALLY REMEMBERED. HER DELETED SCENE WAKING UP IN THE ROOM ACTUALLY GOT USAGE YEARS LATER. AND JUST. NEW JANE. NEW JANE MATERIAL. ALL SHE DID WAS ASK FOR PANTS BUT I’LL TAKE IT. EVERY SECOND WAS A TREASURE. I MISSED YOU JANE I MISSED YOU SO MUCH. COME BACK TO ME. WRITERS PLEASE BRING HER BACK. I NEED TO SEE HER GET TO USE HER SMARTS AGAIN. I MISS MY GENIUS BABY GIRL.

- FRIGGA. WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL APPLE OF MY EYE ALLMOTHER FRIGGA. I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW GOOD IT WAS TO SEE HER. AFTER ALL THIS TIME, IN ALL HER AMAZING FRIGGA GLORY. MY QUEEN. I MISSED HER SO FLIPPING MUCH. I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAVE NEW FRIGGA CONTENT. SHE WAS SO PERFECTLY HERSELF. I CHERISHED EVERY MOMENT. TALKING ABOUT SENDING LOKI SOME SOUP AND SOME BOOKS BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE WOULD. SEEING RIGHT THROUGH FUTURE THOR BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE WOULD. I’M SO GLAD SHE WAS SHOWN TO BE IMPORTANT TO THOR BECAUSE THEY WERE ALWAYS THE LEAST DEVELOPED DYNAMIC OF THE FAMILY AND ALL OF THEIR SCENES ARE CUT. SHE WAS RAISED BY WITCHES AND NOW I HAVE A MIGHTY NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THAT. ALWAYS SO GENTLE AND CARING TOWARDS HER SONS. ALWAYS SO PERCEPTIVE. HER BEAUTIFUL AMAZING FRIGGA SMILE. WAVING AT ROCKET. THE WAY SHE TALKS. THE WAY SHE SAVED THE SCENE AND MY SANITY. IT WAS PERFECT. SHE’S PERFECT. I NEED HER BACK ALREADY. SHE CAN NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN. SHE MADE THIS TORTURE BEARABLE AND I MISS HER AGAIN ALREADY.

- ALL THE THINGS RELATED TO GETTING MY OLD THOR WORLD BACK ARE VERY OBVIOUSLY MY FAVORITE PARTS THAT MADE ME HAPPIER THAN I COULD POSSIBLY BEGIN TO DESCRIBE AND I AM GOING TO BE LIVING OFF OF THIS VICTORY FOREVER.

Conclusion

The things I don’t like aren’t canon and everyone is totally fine and nothing is wrong at all. I’m taking the good stuff and running away with it and doing whatever I want with it to turn it all into the best possible version in my head. The end.

#i think i covered most of it but if i remember something i may add later #marvel #avengers 4 #endgame #a4 post #review #spoilers #marvel spoilers #avengers 4 spoilers #endgame spoilers #endgame critical #ragnarok critical #marvel critical #thor critical