#He sends me messages and shit online too and i hate it. I usually dont open them like... Hes the one person i basically cant see myself | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

elmo-is-a-forgotten-god · 3 years

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TW:// mentions of death, brief family dynamics mention, losing a friend

For context this happened late last night and I’ve been trying to get as many details as possible here.

Don’t feel obligated to read this. I know it’s long.

I recently had a friend unfriend me and I wanted to vent about that a little bit. This is really long, only read it if you really want to I just really need to talk about it somewhere else.

I am also sharing this stuff so you all understand me a bit better as a person. Because it is even more challenging for me online and I don’t want to lose any more friends, especially online friends because I can’t talk to you all in person.

——————————————————————————

They have been known to do this to other people and everyone who it has happened to has still remained on the shit list. They screamed at me for over an hour on the phone because I was “a shit friend these past couple weeks or so.” They cited specific days where I didn’t answer them until later in the day and one specific day where they were stressed with school and wanted me to be there so they could vent and I could help them.

I tried explaining to them what was going on but I just ended up crying (I don’t normally cry a lot if that give you any idea how bad it was) and I didn’t get the words out. Mainly for a reason I’ll explain later but also because they sounded just like my dad when he yells and I just sorta shut down.

——————————————————————————

Now they blocked and deleted my number and blocked me on all social media. (Our mutual friends told me.). They apparently told most of our friends what a piece of shit I am and a couple other people blocked me. They wrote a whole fucking essay about it but here’s the sparknotes:

-I go through periods of time where I am not a fun person to talk to, and they like me a lot better when I don’t have an “attitude”.

They specifically cited last year from late summer to winter, you’ll see why this is important.

-last year and this year I’ve “ghosted” people around the holiday season when I know it is rough for some people.

I try to check up on my friends when I know they are going through some shit, I try to send them useful stuff as well, everyone know that.

-I am too overly blunt and honest and not good at helping people with their issues.

I know I’m too blunt and honest , and you know what? I fuck up sometimes, but I usually don’t mean anything by it I’m just trying to help. As for helping people with their issues, if I wasn’t good at it why the fuck did they come to me in the first place.

-I have a perfect life, nothing bad ever happens to me and I’m nothing but a privileged asshole who doesn’t deserve to have a friend like them. I don’t know what it’s like to go through something difficult.

I’m not going to comment on this, I know I’m privileged, but I try to do good things with it.

-I pay way too much attention to my self and I am a “self centered piece of shit for not answering their messages that one day and for not being as fast with my responses as I normally am.”

You’ll see why this was a fucked up thing to say to me in a bit, I’m just writing this out very slowly and trying to avoid that part.

-I talk about myself too much when people come to me with advice, and people “shouldn’t come to me with advice or have to take that bullshit” because I am “undeserving of being in the loop about someone’s personal issues.”

This came up because one of our friends came to me with an issue instead of them. I know I often relate things back to me I didn’t think that was a bad thing because no one told me and that is just how I help myself understand what someone is going through, but I’ll stop doing that.

-Saying things like “I need to remove myself from this area.” Is extremely disrespectful to the rest of our friend group (I literally only go by myself it doesn’t affect them). For context my adhd is extremely severe to the point it’s considered to be a learning disability, what they are referencing is when I leave to go somewhere else because I am overwhelmed and overstimulated. They literally said and I quote “that shit is total fucking bull and you know it, I have adhd too, and I’m saying you’re fucking faking.”

First off they don’t have a formal medical diagnosis, just a suspicion, they haven’t even talked to their doctor about it. Not to mention everyone is different based off of severity and which symptoms are actually present. As part of my testing we opted for the comprehensive test to look at the severity of my adhd before moving on to being treated. In that test they observed me over the course of several hours to see how I reacted to different things. The things that were expected to be the worst symptoms for me were :

difficulty understanding and relating to others (one of my strategies I was told would help is to relate others experiences to mine)

difficulty in communication; reading directly off of my sheet and I quote “Emma was observed having a difficult time using nuance and understanding when was and was not the correct time to say something. Emma’s parents describe her as: extremely blunt to the point where it can be abrasive.”

sensory: specifically when things are too quiet, I also have an issue with overly bright lighting, and when I am very overwhelmed there is only a few people who I will let touch me when I’m “wigging out”

——————————————————————————

I know I am privileged, but I really try to use that privilege to do good things and I didn’t know that I act uptight or like a dick in that way. If I do it’s either a joke or not intentional and I apologize.

That being said, just because I am privileged doesn’t mean my life is perfect and it doesn’t mean bad things don’t happen to me, it’s beyond fucked up to think that.

(The color for things related to this)

——————————————————————————

A lot of the things they talked about are things they know I am insecure about to begin with and they know I am working on it. Most of them are literal symptoms of my adhd and things I struggle with on the fucking daily. I’m making them a different color so you can see what I’m talking about. Here’s the adhd related color.

——————————————————————————

Now. Some of the other things they listed were in direct relation to my grandma passing away. If you know me, you know my grandma and I were very close and she in a way was like a lot like a parent to me. She had cancer and dementia and her health started a major decline in August of 2019, I spent a lot of time with her during this time and I was constantly stressed and worried about her. I didn’t really talk a lot about it because it’s hard for me to think about but I know this friend knew about this for a goddamn fact.

This relates to this because the period of time when I had “attitude” and “wasn’t a fun person to be around” was when we found out she would have 3 months if she was lucky, I spent every day with her during this time. Yeah I think watching someone slowly die and forget who you are is reason enough to be a bit not talkitive or please not.

My grandma died on December 4th 2019. The main reason my friend snapped was because I wasn’t their to help them with their stress on December 4th 2020. (They had screenshots). They yelled at me for over an hour because of the reasons of above and mainly, MAINLY, because I didn’t text them back fast on the anniversary of my grandmas death. I WAS AT THE FUCKING CEMETARY ASSHOLE DONT YELL AT ME FOR NOT RESPONDING RIGHT AWAY.

(This is the color for things related to this)

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I’m sorry this was really long but I’m just having a rough day. I thought I could trust this person and I thought we were ok, I just wish that someone would tell everyone this, but the people that blocked me also blocked my best friends.

If you have a problem with my behavior in any way, please talk to me before something like this happens. And please know that if I seem overly blunt or like I’m trying to steal the spotlight, just know that I don’t mean to and it doesn’t come from a place of malice. I don’t want to lose any more friends.

I know I fuck up, but there is reason behind it, but unfriending someone who you’ve been friends with for 7 years because they didn’t text you back from the cemetary is fucked up, I’m pretty sure anyone can see that much.

High school drama is fucking bullshit, I hate it here.

#vent #venting #high school drama #high school drama bullshit #toxic friends #adhd #this was really fucked up #not a shitpost #not a joke #long post sorry

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artificialqueens · 3 years

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Cause Though the Truth May Vary, This Ship Will Carry (Gigi/Nicky) - Campvanjie

AN: Based on the prompt: “You weren’t supposed to hear that.” - “Well, you shouldn’t be saying it then.” A slight AU Gigi/Nicky, little bit of unrequited crushing and a lot of fate, originally posted to my old AO3 account on May 24th, 2020. Edited as well to add non-binary pronouns for Gigi out of drag, as the original used male pronouns. Don’t worry, I’m the original author and only want all of my stories collected under one pen name.

Summary: Nicky and Gigi strike up a friendship online, but just can’t meet until the time’s exactly right.

CW: slight mentions of homophobia.

The sun’s almost setting on an August day when Gigi flicks through the games in their library, bored of sniping enemies from rooftops, set on finding something else that has a competitive mode, kicking underneath the bed to find their headset. It would probably be best to at least try to talk to other people, and maybe even count up all the times people call each other gay without even realizing they’re talking to someone, who’s made sixteen dollars an hour dressing up as a girl and working at the rock climbing wall for all of high school.

There’s gay, and then there’s Gigi Goode; with a closet hanging full of custom couture, not that they’d ever admit to their mom that her work isn’t the worst.

There’s only one player in the team’s group chat, as Gigi adjusts their headset so they can talk into the mic.

“Hello?”

“Hey.”

“Hi!”, laughs the voice in his headphones; crackling as Gigi shoots and blows apart a box in the game’s lobby. There’s an accent there he can’t quite place, not that it matters so much, since the guy on the other end easily guides him through the map and even cracks a couple of jokes as one of the other team’s players is booted off a cliff. Maybe he’s Spanish, or Russian, since there are lot of Russian people on the server at this time of almost- night.

They queue for another round, his player’s character stopping next to a poster of one of the girls in the game.

“I like her, do you?”, he asks, and Gigi cringes a little. Straight guys were fucking exhausting, but this was just embarrassing-

“Like, this coat, with the belt like this, makes her waist look like she is a wasp. The insect, not the white people.”, he keeps talking, and Gigi’s eyes widen a little.

“Yeah, I’d buy those boots.”, they joke, hoping that whoever it is, will take it in stride, and he won’t have to listen to someone who’d been cool for the past half an hour, suddenly start losing their mind over how gay that was to say out loud.

“The boots? I want this hair- I want just Mortal Kombat hair but like this color, and maybe instead of a gun I want the scepter, like Sailor Jupiter. You’ve seen that, yes?”

Gigi blinks a couple of times. He’s serious?

“Like, of course. Yeah.”

“She’s a Mugler bitch. Hm, aren’t you?”, the voice teases on the other end; kicking at one of the boxes in the game.

Gigi is silent, as their queue timer runs out, and their team join another game which is already active when they’re dropped in.

“It’s the Hermes winter collection.”

“What?”

“That jacket is a dupe from the Hermes winter collection. You said Mugler-”, Gigi repeats, blasting through a wall in the game.

“Oh- oh you’re saying- this past winter! Of course! Maybe someone on the design team is also a fan?”

“Maybe.”

The two of them finish the round, and Gigi eagerly hits yes; when a little box pops up to add TheNickyDoll to their friends list.

(Gigi adds him back on Discord, too- because they’re probably not taking the Xbox to college, and then, they can send pictures right away.

He’s not a serial killer, and he’s cute.

Gigi can’t help but wonder if Nicky thinks the same of them.)

They slowly knit together in between Gigi’s first semester, and when Nicky moves into a new apartment in the eleventh arrondissement in Paris, and pops a bottle of champagne against his camera on his phone, propped up in his new kitchen. He plays with the zipper on his hoodie, and Gigi still can’t help but be surprised with how simple his wardrobe is.

Gigi spends hours carefully curating their wardrobe, though they supposed in Europe, there were just better pickings.

“Don’t you have friends?”, Gigi jokes, shirtless against the white brick walls of their dorm.

“Everyone will be over later, but I just wanted to do a toast for your timezone. It will be like three am for you when everyone else gets off work.”

“So this is a private party? Well… okay let me get my card.”

“Seriously? Not that kind of party!”

“Didn’t say it was. Congratulations, by the way. I got you something! Well like, I found it, and it’s so you-“

Gigi flicks the camera to face forwards, swinging to a painting hanging in the closet.

“Aw, well you didn’t have to- what the fuck is that?”

“Putin! I painted him in like the eighth grade. My mom was dropping off some stuff last weekend and I can mail him-“

Nicky’s eyebrows shoot up, pots and pans clattering on the other end of the line.

“Bitch, I am trying to not be the victim of a hate crime.”

Gigi laughs a little bit, flipping the camera back to focus on their face.

“I never asked, what do you even do?”

“What?”

“Like you- you have a job right? What’s your job?”

“Ah, I’m working, well I worked at a makeup store, but now I have some contracts, and maybe, you know- this neighborhood is where all the bars and the clubs are. If there’s no work on the runways maybe some will be looking for new girls.”

Gigi’s cheeks run hot for a moment.

“Wait, you- you’re a girl?”, they ask weakly, hoping it won’t absolutely ruin their entire… whatever it is, when you’d rather have a private housewarming alone in bed, than pretend to enjoy the beers that are flowing through the rest of the hall downstairs.

“Only when I’m being paid. Do you know- well, you have to in America you have RuPaul’s show- it’s like that-“

“You do drag? Wait, really?”

“Shhhh.”, he stops them, pressing a finger between his lips. “It’s like, I haven’t got any bookings yet but some of the clubs are interested- some of the parties, too. I can be a bottle girl.”

Gigi simply blinks repeatedly in the screen.

“What- is that too gay? I thought we were both pretty gay.”

“Yeah. Yeah. Hey-“, Gigi keeps the camera on their face, their eyes flicking up towards the naked mannequin resting against the closet door. Most of Gigi’s things were still at home, but there was a black feathered swimsuit they’d been working on- if they took out the waist just a bit-

“What’s your favorite color?”

“Wow, we are getting deep in, Dr Phil.”

“Seriously, what is it?”

“I’m feeling pink recently. Usually just- something simple. Blue. Black. It’s soothing.”

“Black is not a color.”

“Then it’s my favorite not-color.” Nicky pours from the bottle into a flute on her counter. “Get something to drink, come on.”

“Uh-“

“Doesn’t matter what. Come on!”

Gigi reaches for Red Bull, yesterday’s alcohol mixed into it, tangy and stale in the metal can.

“Okay.”

“Pace a Salute!”, Nicky cheers, and they clink their drinks against the camera.

Two months later, there’s a wrapped package on his stoop, covered in foreign postage, wet at the edges like it’s been through- what Americans would call the ringer, the labels so scratched over he can barely make out the return address, when he cuts the cardboard open on his kitchen counter.

If this was that stupid Putin painting, he was deleting Gigi from his entire life-

Inside, is fabric folded in paper, a little cloth ribbon tied around where a card is tucked in.

“I dont know what your actual skin tone is because you need better lights but merry Christmas if it doesn’t fit or doesn’t match sell it on eBay and get better lights”,

Gigi has written, in neat, large letters.

Nicky carefully unfurls the rest of it, and there’s a blue and pink bodysuit inside, accented with green and yellow panels that glitter like the facets of a diamond, and a yellow jacket, the bottom cut off just below the ribs, hemmed in thick stitches so the fabric won’t roll up.

Had Gigi gone and had this made? Or was it off the rack?, he wondered, digging for price tags and labels in the fabric.

Nothing.

Shit.

He fires off a message to Gigi, who is still showing as offline, given it’s probably six in the morning where he is.

14:17

How much is this “gift” you got me? Wtf…

FaceTime me later.

There’s predictably no response, and that night; he paints carefully in the mirror in his bedroom, laying out the little black dress he had chosen for the performance on his bed.

At the very last minute though, it’s that little suit from Gigi that wins out, nude panels sliding over his tights as he shimmies in front of the mirror.

It’s not perfect, but it all looks very nice.

When later comes, Gigi is wearing a red wig with blonde streaks that she runs her long fingers through, winking at the camera.

“My mom’s actually a professional seamstress. It didn’t cost anything, babe.”, she says with a little shrug, a tight yellow dress barely moving around his shoulders. There’s always a party here; and Gigi can’t imagine hating it more, the little college town bigger than he was used to, and yet still- too small for what she really wanted.

“If you want other stuff, I’ll send it. There’s lots of stuff that I don’t really wear anymore and we kind of have the same style. It’s not like anyone can say anything, then they’d have to admit they’ve seen me out in public. Or I could even make you something, I’m bored all the time.”

“Why are you doing this?”, Nicky asks.

“I dunno. It’s not like you’re my competition. You’re my friend.”

19:41

Anyway, I’m dropping out of school, getting a nose job and moving out to LA.

Gigi types out on their phone, underneath the table at their family’s annual thanksgiving dinner.

19:41

Maybe not all at once.

Nicky’s reply comes lightning fast- making Gigi grin.

“Are you seriously getting nudes right now?”, one of their brothers asks, and their mother glares at the both of them over the table.

“I’m getting some new sketches from my atlier in Paris.”, they seethe, glancing back down at the floor. Nicky’s been trying to teach him French, like it’s something that occupies them so that Gigi doesn’t implode; in between sending him links to his favorite shows to watch, and YouTube links to makeup tutorials.

(He still hasn’t figured out if Nicky means it; or if he’s trying to be shady, and just doesn’t know how.)

“Atlier is where you get the clothes made, dumbass. Mom’s sewing room isn’t Paris.”

“Shut up!”

“All of you just stop-”

19:43

It’s a hard time in life in general.

Try not to listen so much to those voices in your head.

Nicky’s text pops up with a loud, mechanical pinging noise, three dots still hovering under the message as Gigi forces looks up from the screen and glowers across the table as they reach for more baby carrots.

19:43

Make mistakes, but not too many, haha. You’ll figure it out.

If it makes you feel a little bit better, I’m moving to San Fran

19:43

What? For real?

Gigi’s nails frantically tap over the screen.

19:45

Yes! I bought a ticket.

And my husband called an immigration lawyer, we’re going to get my green card situation set.

“Lawyer-”, Gigi gasps; and their entire family pauses, glancing over the table at them.

“Jesus Christ. You did it, didn’t you? You got arrested your first semester, and you weren’t even gonna tell us-”

“You weren’t supposed to hear that.”, they snap, flipping the bird at their oldest brother.

“Well, you shouldn’t be saying it then.”

Their whole table erupts in a discussion Gigi can’t pay any attention to.

19:50

Cool.

That means I get to see you soon.

It’s gonna be great.

They taps ou, and close the app with a smile.

They hadn’t known if Nicky even had a boyfriend, not that it mattered; until it did.

Apparently; he had been married, for almost the whole time they had known each other- a blow Gigi hadn’t quite expected, to leave them as breathless as landing in Los Angeles; the shock not setting in, not in full, anyway- until they are standing in a new apartment, looking down at a menu of instructions on how to set up the wifi in the unit, fingers hovering over everyone in contacts.

They can’t call their mom; not this soon, and their brothers would tell her, and the whole plan would crumble; just like everything had with Nicky; whose calls Gigi had declined for the past solid month; the nights they had spent with their phones propped up behind desks and dressing room mirrors fading into something beyond memory; that they refused to think about any more than they had to, the messages asking if they’re alright answered in curt, short replies.

How could they have been so stupid, thinking that they were talking-talking, teasing that Nicky and they were friends; when Gigi didn’t even know what his real name was.

(Unless it was Nicky?)

Shit.

Gigi waits for their phone to load into the app, and refreshes the friends list a couple of times, until they can see Nicky’s icon at the top, the side of the circle cut through with a little green dot, and taps twice to start a call.

“Hi?”

Nicky’s greeting floats in the air, between a breath and utter silence before Gigi swallows their pride, pressing the phone to the side of their face.

“What do you know about connecting a router to a tower if I live on the…um third floor?”

The line crackles, but soon there’s a tiny, familiar chuckle. “First of all, that is not how you do any of that-”

They talk a little more, every day; in between, Nicky moves to New York and Gigi cuts a tape that they put in the mail with a wink. They’re due for a visit home soon, and carefully proposes- maybe it’s time they meet Nicky. New York isn’t far at all, and a layover would make for a cheaper flight, anyway.

Their plans stack up in hours of calls; and Gigi think they’re almost back to normal. Until, three days before the flight is supposed to leave, there’s a call they had forgotten to wait for, and their fingers hover over the message box below Nicky’s name, vibrating with anxiety and excitement all at once.

09:22

Hey. I had a family thing come up.

Gigi types, and then erases the text, steeling themselves as they taps out another one that makes a little more sense, and doesn’t seem like such a lie.

09:30

I’m so so so so sorry about this

I had some things come up and my trip fell through.

They send this instead, surprised to see Nicky start typing back immediately.

09:35

You’re not going to believe this

I have some work things that started recently and so it would have been really shitty to have a guest over now.

09:35

No way!

09:37

Yeah. :(( But we’re gonna hang out someday, I swear!

09:37

Dont worry! You’re definitely gonna see me.

Real real real soon!

“-Where do I go?”, Gigi asks, pulling at the bottom hem of the ornate jacket she wore, fiddling with the gold telescope in her hands. The lights behind the set burned brightly, making the thicker bottoms of the outfit feel much warmer than he had remembered them being.

“Go to that green square on the ground, and wait there, when you see the little arrow light up, you can enter the Werk Room and then we’ll have you stop inside, get your opening line, and let you see the other girls.”

“Okay.”

He does as he’s told, prancing in and kicking his boots in front of him as the lights move to capture Gigi’s entrance, his head only snapping to the side when given the signal, so he can see the others who are already crowded around the pink tables he’s only dreamed of seeing for so long.

“Holy Shit…Nicky?!”

In reality; Gigi can see far more of the detail of Nicky’s face; of her eyebrows and carefully painted cheeks and lashes, of all the effort that they had only really talked about, his eternal summer tan and the long fringe of black hair that he’s always nudging across his forehead, or slicked against a beanie, gone behind a platinum blonde veneer that’s so much brighter than Gigi has ever seen. She’s thinner, and taller, careful breaths underneath sequinned shoulder pads, knees knocking together as she gasps.

“Gigi!”

Widow and Crystal glance at each other over the pink table.

“Hold up, you guys know each other?”

In the flesh; Gigi is impossibly small, the sharp angles of her face, and the dark brown hair that sticks up in angles which Nicky traces against the white of his pillows in his bedroom on the screen of his phone in the morning, taped underneath a gold-tipped pirate hat, and lush, wavy curls. She looks like a model on the runways where Nicky used to work; so close to him that he can feel Gigi’s breath on the back of his hand, as he tightens his grip around the epaulets on her shoulder.

“Gigi Goode.”, she repeats, and Gigi giggles a little at that.

“The Nicky Doll.”, she laughs, and her voice sounds so much more solid, than it ever has over every crossed wire.

Gigi’s hand swings, squeezing Nicky’s tightly as they swing around the table; like the others who are there don’t matter at all. She rests her head on Nicky’s padded shoulder, cocking it just slightly, waiting there, as Crystal’s eyes flash at the scene before them.

“…and may the best woman win.”, Gigi whispers, only for Nicky to hear.

#rpdr fanfiction #nicky doll #gigi goode #gigi x nicky #pre-ship #fluff #online friends au #s12 #on set fic #queen au #campvanjie #concrit welcome

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gyokuto · 3 years

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Omg like when yashahime was first announced i couldn't even get excited about it because it explicitly said it would be about sesshomaru's hanyo daughters (which is extremely ooc by the way, he wasn't even enoughly developed in the og) and i instantly knew they would make rin the mother bc it's a popular ship (which is absolutely disgusting) and Sess is my favorite character in the manga. I also did not have any positive expectations for it bc it was also not written by Rumiko and it's anime only.

When it aired back in october, I tried giving it a chance - i did read some kagura theories and thought they were plausible but the girls being hanyo always threw me off. After ep 8, everything did not make any sense to me - badly written, full of holes, inconsistent, bad characterization, boring villains, so I dropped. I kept up with it online, but the environment started giving me anxiety bc I did not wish to see Sess with Rin ever bc I'm a csa survivor and i was scared it would trigger bad memories. Then ep 15 aired and I felt like vomiting esp sunrise deliberately made Rin have kids at 14 and she still acts like she is 8. So i decided to watch the ep to at least see how it got done and it was so weird bc everything felt very off ? Like sesshomaru and everyone else did not feel like themselves if that makes sense - it was so odd. And everyone is off model with this new artstyle too . When i finished the ep, I couldn't associate og with yashahime bc everything felt different. Like if u watch the first 6 episodes of inuyasha and then go to yashahime it's like two completely different series, it's as if yashahime is simply borrowing the og's appearances but not their cores. So after thinking hard about it, about Sesshomaru specifically as a character, after analysing him all over again, I realized that he wouldn't ever do any of these things and i finally got over it. I dont think it's fair to judge these characters so harshly bc this was made by real people... I understand and respect if ppl hate him after ep 15 and can't see his relationship with Rin the same as before, but to me personally, their dynamic is intact. I love him as a character deeply. I also found comfort in knowing that Rumiko's been apathetic towards inuyasha for so long, she does not care about it anymore and that's why she's unbothered by what's going on. I no longer have any respect for her though and i will not support her anymore bc she's ruined inuyasha for a lot of people with her irresponsible act of approving this.

So i hope u can forget about this one day <3 it's sumisawa's fanfic with a budget and nothing more

thanks so much for taking the time to send me this message <3

i’m sorry that as a csa survivor you’ve had to witness all this shit going down. the ways in which some people downplay or invalidate the genuine sadness and discomfort that this sequel sparks among fans who are csa surviors in particular is absolutely disgusting.

when it was announced, i was super excited because anything inuyasha related gets me excited, and i was stupid and naive in thinking they would never do something like this

i always knew there were people that the pairing was popular amongst, but from my understanding, the most popular characters have always been kagome, inuyasha, kikyo, and sesshoumaru. i usually had to go out of my way to find fanart of anyone else since the series has been over for so long, so i was like...why would they even focus on some ooc romance between a demon who despised humans for 99% of this life (including his own half-human brother) and the pre-pubescent child he adopted...i was like no way...?

it’s literally so ooc for sesshoumaru to fall in love that the only valid candidate in sunrise’s eyes was the only character who was important to him, had a uterus, and was still alive which is so disgusting

i was honestly expecting some kind of fun plot twist, and i was interpreting the rin scenes as red herrings which could be explained by the fact that, as his first daughter, of course she would have high importance in his life

which is another thing that rubs me the wrong way about the whole ship (y’know, besides the child abuse); it’s like they’re saying if the child isn’t biologically his it’s not *actually* his daughter...which is such a GROSS mentality

but yeah, you’re absolutely right that the “sequel” is an ooc train wreck. you can even tell that the first ep. of yashahime was better than the rest because it came from something RT wrote. i’m sad over the wasted potential of these characters because moroha deserved better and towa, whether intentional or not, felt very queer coded, and that meant a lot to me

i also like your point about the characters not being judged too harshly because they have no real agency. it was real people that created them and decided these things for them. for this reason, i think it’s 100% valid to ignore yashahime and continue to find comfort in the original versions of the characters. sesshoumaru wasn’t the only one that was ruined; everyone who didn’t go against the relationship is ooc too

anyway, i understand that some people may not be able to separate the two, and if they’re triggered or uncomfortable, i also 100% understand having to let them go.

i hope i can go back to inuyasha and feel fondness and nostalgia one day too :)

it’s difficult for me to enjoy things once i lose respect for the creator in some way, but i’m trying to rationalize her involvement in my head

#asks #i'm tired of censoring their names lol #if it shows up in tags idc

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fluidityandgiggles · 4 years

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Dalton Big Bang day 1 - The Canadian Girlfriend Experience

Writing Masterpost, AO3 Link

Notes: So... y’all. Dalton fam. Hear me out.

I understand that y'all are gonna be mad at me for staying up until (four? five?) five in the morning to post this, but I'm something like 90% sure I'd forget to post it in the morning (afternoon), and I have to write tomorrow's fic anyway, so... here's an extra early fluffy mess. Hope y'all like it.

I had to write this one... I really really had to. Han's girlfriend is a big deal to me. I hope you understand it.

(And for the uninitiated in pathfinder - the rank system is wild, feats are taken every two levels or so, Logan’s character is basically invincible, defeated only by Dwight’s monk and the absolute insanity that creating a monk in pathfinder can end up being.)

—————

"I really have to go to sleep," the familiar (by now) high-pitched voice said through the headphones, stifling a yawn. "My drama class is moving props to the auditorium tomorrow for our exam and my mom would be mad at me if I don’t go to sleep in the next thirty minutes."

"So go to sleep, Lils. I won’t be mad at you."

"Okay! I’ll text you in the morning! Love you, bye!"

"Good night."

Han finally let himself snort a bit after his girlfriend hung up, watching as she disconnects from the game a few moments later. He did say he’ll only play Starcraft today so long as Leah is available, and now that she’s offline…

He just closed the game and went back to working on his Pathfinder session prep.

Han met Leah at the San Diego Comic-Con last summer. On day one, she approached him because she thought the Westwoods’ Bat family cosplay was really cool. On day two, he approached her because her Arwen cosplay was flawless. By day three they’d already ditched the con to have a not-date lunch at In-N-Out, found out they’re in the same guild in World of Warcraft, Han found out Leah has a voice acting channel on youtube, they exchanged phone numbers, and by day four they may have not spent the whole day together but they certainly went on a date-date at the end of the day.

They’ve been rather inseparable for the following three weeks, but by then Han had to face the reality of it all. Leah’s phone number was weird to him from the start, sure, and he was willing to pass off her accent as a speech quirk, but it wasn’t until those three weeks ended that it finally sunk in that she’s not American. And like most good things, her visit too has to come to an end.

Maintaining a relationship online just… didn’t feel the same.

1 Unread Message

‘Merril: Can I suggest an idea for Mishka’s character arc?? You can say no, I just had an idea is all!’

Caterpillar: I’m all ears

———

"While this mess of a… bargain is happening," Logan called as Merril and Reed tried to catch their breaths from laughing. "Can Dwight and I get to the diplomatic debate?"

"Sure," Han sighed, watching his party quickly derail the session. "But let’s take a break first."

The first to disappear at the sound of "let’s take a break" was Lucy, who ran to the bathroom, accidentally knocking off Logan’s dice tower in the process. Merril got the brownies out and on the table, everyone pulled their phones out…

Han could take a couple moments to look at the pictures Leah sent him earlier. According to her, they were not yet done with lighting cues, and she was going crazy, but seeing her in her period piece of a costume and leg brace prop made him feel excited for her, somewhat.

Caterpillar: wish I could been there to see it

Jabba the Hutt: Oh no! Don’t say that! Jabba the Hutt: I’ll send you the filmed version when I get it, but it’ll probably be really bad anyway.

Caterpillar: im sure it cant be that bad

Jabba the Hutt: Han, it’s a high school production of the Glass Menagerie. Jabba the Hutt: My class is also doing the play version of Spring Awakening. Jabba the Hutt: It *can* and *will* be that bad. Jabba the Hutt: Trust me.

"Han?" Merril called before he could answer that one. "Hansel, are you listening?"

"No, I wasn’t. What was it?" He grabbed a brownie, leaving his phone aside for a second.

"Wizards of the Coast announced a new edition of D&D," she said again, smiling gently. "Do you think you’d want to try it?"

"I’m already one step ahead of you there. I’m going to playtest it when it— excuse me…"

Jabba the Hutt: WE FINALLY FUCKING FINISHED THIS Jabba the Hutt: I’ve never been happier to say I’m getting offstage, I need someone to punch me!

Caterpillar: dont you mean pinch?

Jabba the Hutt: I meant what I said and I said what I meant.

Han tuned back in time to hear Logan say "I just really don’t want to have to mess with the power system again", which resulted in Dwight throwing a bag of chips at his head.

"Fourth edition has a very special place in my heart, Wright. Don’t talk shit about it around me."

"Yeah, why all the hate for the power system?" Lucy frowned (when did she get back from the bathroom?). "It’s not all that different to how feats work. Would you complain about getting a new feat every odd level once we switch systems?"

"Not going to happen, Lucy."

"Aw man, but I wanted to play Vampire the Masquerade next!"

"And we already said Merril is going to run it," Han reminded her, checking his phone one last time. "But we’re not switching our current game to another system. Not gonna happen."

There was a quiet "hell yeah" from Merril as Han’s phone buzzed with a new message, but before he could even read it, it was snatched by Lucy.

"Wha… who are you talking to, Han?" She laughed a bit, scrolling up, and then her eyes went wide open. "Well… damn."

"Don’t act like you’re surprised, that’s my girlfriend. You met her before."

The silence in the room was so tense, Han swore he could hear a pin drop.

"...a girlfriend?" Dwight was the first to ask, raising a brow. "Since when?"

"You know, I honestly thought she would’ve forgotten all about you after two weeks…"

"Since a few months ago," Han told Dwight, taking his phone back. "Can we continue, please?"

"No! It’s interesting!" Merril joined in, resting her chin on her hand as she got closer, pushing some papers a bit. "How did you meet? Where is she from? Can we meet her?"

"We met at Comic-Con and no, you can’t meet her. She’s… not from here."

"...is she Canadian?" Logan raised a brow too, starting to laugh.

"Noooooooo…?"

"Oh yeah, Han’s Canadian girlfriend."

"She’s not— let’s start to fucking play, this session isn’t going to end itself."

By the end of the session, Han couldn’t say he’d be surprised if the whole school found out by tomorrow. And if anyone (namely the twins) made fun of him for his "Canadian girlfriend"... so be it.

———

"Is this Canadian girlfriend of yours coming to prom?" Julian’s tired voice came through the phone, sounding like he was about to pass out. He just arrived at school earlier today, already tired from the flight, and immediately got coddled by Logan.

"She’s not Canadian, Julian. You’re the twenty-fifth person I’ve told this already."

"So where is she from? Would you please tell just one person?"

With a quick glance at the security footage, to make sure Logan wasn’t listening, Han whispered "her name is Leah, I met her at Comic-Con in San Diego last year, she’s from Israel and no, I doubt she can come to prom. She has her own prom to attend."

"...okay, so this Israeli girlfriend of yours. Got it."

"Thank you."

"Are you sure you want to keep her a secret…?" He clicked his tongue. His laugh sounded a bit rougher than usual. "You know how things can end up. You of all people."

"I… I’m just not sure I’m ready for… dude. Is Logan drooling on your shoulder…?"

"Give him a break, Westwood. He’s adjusting to his new pills."

"I asked about the drooling."

"He does that sometimes. I just let him be."

"...why is everyone so interested in my girlfriend? Is it really any different from David and Katherine?"

"I don’t know how to break it down to you, Westwood, but you’re not exactly the type anyone would expect to even have a girlfriend."

A shift in the camera footage made Han cuss silently, covering his microphone.

"...she said she’ll be here for graduation. Hers is in late June, but she finishes school in May."

"Yeah. May. When prom is."

"Do you want to talk to her yourself?" He could hear Julian snort. "I’m not kidding. I’ll give you Leah’s phone number and you’ll convince her yourself. I can’t."

"Because that totally won’t be crazy."

"Julian."

"Hansel."

"Just fucking ask her, you absolute nerd!"

"Can you stop ordering me around? This isn’t Hollywood. This is my girlfriend we’re talking about."

"Can you at least send me a picture of her? So I’ll know she’s real?"

"...fuck you, Larson."

Han sent him a picture anyway. A picture of the two of them that Lucy insisted to take while they were in San Diego. They coordinated somehow, Han with his LOTR shirt and Leah with her whole Arwen cosplay. It was the happiest day he could possibly remember.

And then, a snort through the phone.

"...so you’re Leah Appelbaum’s mysterious Maryland boyfriend? Huh. Didn’t know you lived in Maryland."

"...you know Leah?"

"We had auditions in the same building two years ago and she approached me because she’s a fan of Something Damaged. She insisted on keeping in touch. How did you meet her?"

"At Comic-Con… please be gentle about this, Julian."

"Okay! I just… wow. I know where you live now. Sweet."

"Don’t you dare try to blackmail me with that information, Larson."

"I won’t. There’s nothing to worry about."

———

"...you know what?" Han sighed as the last session before prom was about to close off. "Roll sense motive."

The clatter of dice hitting each other and everyone cussing filled the room, quickly picking up their dice and looking.

"Fifteen!"

"Seventeen!"

"Five!"

"How’s you get a five, Lucy?"

"I’m a barbarian, what do you think—"

"Thirty-four."

Dwight practically glared at Logan. "What the fuck, dude?"

"I play a half-elf cleric, Dwight," Logan answered, straight-faced. "Plus two to wisdom straight away, rolled extremely well, I have a plus five modifier to wisdom and the alertness feat. I took a single rank in sense motive every time we leveled up and now I have ten ranks. On the tenth rank in sense motive or perception, you get a bonus four to the skill instead of the usual two. Thus, ten plus four plus five equals nineteen, plus the fifteen that I rolled. That’s thirty-four. Do I sense motive?"

"...everyone who rolled above a fifteen, and that definitely includes Flint—" Han could see Logan smiling smugly. "Everyone who rolled above a fifteen can see that this woman is telling the truth. Anyone who rolled a twenty or above, Flint, can also sense that—"

There was a knock at the door. There was never a knock at the door. But now there was. And as Reed got up to open the door, Han silently hoped it wouldn’t be anyone who shouldn’t be there—

"And this is your boyfriend’s room," Julian’s voice came through as Reed’s jaw dropped. "Thank you for picking Julian Larson to be your tour guide, we hope you enjoyed the trip."

"Very! Oh, hello!" The girl at the door waved at Reed, who waved back. The whole party waved back. "Am I interrupting anything?"

"No, those nerds are just playing dungeons and dragons. You have nothing to worry about." Reed finally returned to his seat as Julian kissed the girl’s cheek, chuckling at the shock. "Logan, I’ll be expecting you to pick me up at six. I want my pre-prom sushi."

"I promised you I will, Princess, don’t panic."

"Okay, just making sure."

As Julian left, the girl went to sit on Han’s futon and look at everyone. Long brown hair, half of it bleached; dark eyes behind a pair of green plastic-framed glasses; a bit on the heavier side, like Han himself, and wearing a floral summer dress and a pair of short leggings. Her face was flushed red, her lipstick a dark blue, and her nails painted black that just started to chip.

Han missed her so much.

"So… hi." She waved around again, a bit confused. "What’s up…?"

"Who’s this?" Dwight was the first to speak.

"My girlfriend," Han replied, sounding rather insistent. "We were just about to finish our session, Lils. Can you wait?"

"Mmhm! Absolutely! I’ll be so quiet, you’ll forget I’m even here!"

Nobody forgot she was there. Merril kept looking over to her, Reed and Dwight seemed skeptical as ever, and the only person who was normal about it was Lucy. But it wasn’t news for Lucy, she’s met Leah before after all. All the while Leah sat there, chuckling at the game and waiting patiently for Han to finish, which he did twenty minutes later. Dwight practically ran out, followed by Logan who needed to pick his own boyfriend up for dinner, but…

"So where are you from in Canada?" Merril asked first, making Leah smile.

"I’m… not Canadian. Did Han tell you I’m Canadian?"

"Where’s your lipstick from?" Reed asked next.

"Umm… it’s, it’s from NARS, I picked it up on the way here, I forgot to pack my own makeup and—"

"Is Han taking you to prom?"

Han choked on his water at that. "I can’t leave my room for prom, Merril. Health risks."

"You can have an indoors prom."

"We planned on watching Battlestar Galactica and ordering takeout," Leah admitted. "But… an indoors prom would be nice. I’m not going to mine anyway. My class is writing this… really offensive skit about one of the math teachers and I don’t want to be a part of it."

"What’s your prom even like…?" Reed squinted, sitting back down. "That you do skits."

"It’s… not really a prom. Israel doesn’t really have the promenade culture, it’s just like a showcase the whole class does for family and friends before graduation… I’ve never liked this practice, you know, I think it’s just…"

As Leah rambled on, Han took his time to clear the table and silently hope Merril and Reed leave soon. Those two have prom dates after all. And neither are a Canadian girlfriend.

#kylo cant write #Dalton by CP Coulter #dalton big bang 2020 #day one - Windsor house #Han Westwood has a girlfriend #and Logan has ADHD #there's a bit of jogan if you squint

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serenagaywaterford · 4 years

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Sorry for sending you this. I come from a conservative family, and my friends aren't open-minded when it comes to sexuality. I have been madly in love with a woman who is much older than me and does not love me back. She is straight and married and my family hates her and do not want me to see her (complicated). Nobody knows about any of this. I have to lie about who I am. I tried dating men but can't get intimate at all. It's been 10 years. I feel awful. Like things will never get better.

Straight up: Do not apologise. Don’t. You have nothing to apologise for at all. Knock that guilt out of your life cos you don’t need it.

Sometimes we all just need to vent to someone that can understand and I’m glad you have found an outlet. It’s poisonous to hang onto everything inside yourself for so long.

I can’t say I know exactly how you feel, because while my family is somewhat conservative and religious as well, and I was absolutely fucking terrified of them knowing, I only had to experience a slight disowning by my father (on Christmas Eve as a nice little bonus). He was livid. My extended family was sort of... well, they just don’t say anything around me. My grandfather too is someone I’ve often heard say homophobic shit, but eventually he came up to me and said as long as the women in my life were treating me right, he had no problem. And the thing is, I believe him. It’s funny how people are forced to think of things differently when suddenly it’s someone they love. I mean generally, there is a much larger distance between me and my (extended) family than there was before, but it’s not hateful at least. A bunch of them came to my wedding, including my grandparents. They are still just as conservative and religious as ever... but some people, may not be as scary and bigoted as you think, or as they say. But I wouldn’t bet on it either. I just got lucky that even if they do think it’s wrong/sinful/gross, at least they don’t say anything to my face or treat me any differently than before. It’s always gonna be something in the back of my mind though, a doubt. There is no way to shake that. I am literally the only lesbian in my entire family, which consists of 100s of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. It’s statistically ridiculous but I am the only one who is out, at any rate. No other ones have even hinted they’re gay. It’s very isolating but it is what it is, and it’s up to them to accept that, not up to me to change to please them. Neither is up to you to hide or change yourself to please your friends and family.

And I lost A LOT of friends. Like, most of them, when they realised I was serious about “the lesbian thing”. It’s not all happy times. You will have to be prepared to lose most, if not all of your friends, and it’s fucking awful. And the sad fact is, many of us need to be mentally prepared to lose friends and family because they’re bigots. However, A FEW may stick with you. They may not all be horrible. But honestly, you never know until it happens.

If you want advice, I’d say try as hard as you can to get over this much older married straight woman who doesn’t love you back. I will have to side with your family on not wanting you to have anything to do with her. Cut all ties. She will only bring you more stress and heartbreak. I don’t know how old you are but age gaps may seem fun in fiction, but in reality they are really difficult. I say that as someone whose wife is 12 years older than me, and I know many other lesbians in relationships with age gaps. (It seems to be a thing?) It’s really fucking hard to connect sometimes and you will absolutely see some really important things from wildly different perspectives because of age, and there will be unresolvable tension sometimes because of that. And furthermore, the older one usually has far more economic power in the relationship which can be very toxic, and unless they’re a good person, can lead to really sketchy imbalances in the relationship.

Plus, she’s married. Look, it’s not going to work out for you. You’re only going to get hurt in the long run. Married people very, very rarely leave their marriages, and I find women even less likely than men to do so. I know one woman who was strung along by another woman who was married with kids (to a man), for YEARS and was basically made into an emotional labour servant and bankrupt. And if she doesn’t even love you back, there is no way she’s budging. She’s not even attracted to you if she’s straight. She’s using you, for something. I can’t tell what from the limited information but I am certain she’s using you for something. It’s really sketchy and she is going to really hurt you. You need to be proactive, cut ties with her, and try your best to fall out of love.

Firstly, it’s toxic for you. You don’t deserve that.

Secondly, it may improve your relationship with your family. It is possible that it’s not so much the fact it’s a woman, so much as they see this woman as taking advantage of you and you being blinded by infatuation. I cannot make any guarantees, but perhaps their perspective would change if they saw you involved in a more equal, less unhealthy relationship with a woman. They may just be scared for you. Hell, I’m worried for you and I don’t even know you.

Please, please, please forget about her. I know it may seem like there is nobody else, but there is. Somewhere, whether that’s someone you connect with online, or another person in real life. There are people out there, and probably in your town who feel exactly like you. (If you’re in a larger city then definitely there are.)

Lying about who you are is fucking torture. 10 years is a fucking long time to hide yourself. I’m so sorry you have to do that. But don’t harm yourself even further by forcing yourself into relationships with men. You'll end up just (re)traumatizing and depressing yourself even further. Think of it this way: it’s better to be totally alone, than forcing yourself to be with a man. I know it may not seem that way, but unless you’re gonna find yourself a gay guy who needs a beard and you come to some sort of understanding, it is never going to not be painful for you. (And even with that sort of arrangement, it’s still lonely and a lie.)

It’s sounds cliche and stupid but it will get better. It honestly will. But it may not be anytime soon. That’s the biggest problem. It could be tomorrow, it could be 2 years from now. But it does, eventually. The sooner you can stand on your own two feet and feel like you can cope without family, the sooner you can be true to yourself and finally happy. (Unless you’re in a country where homosexuality is illegal. In which case, I have no real advice cos I have no experience or knowledge. I’d probably suggest something unsafe by accident.) I find the fear of losing connections with family causes A LOT of issues. And this isn’t even necessarily about being gay, but it happens in all sorts of situations. (Leaving a religion, drugs, career, racism, etc.) Family are not the be all and end all of life. You can find and make your own family.

I don’t know any details of your complicated situation but all I can say is forget about this married straight woman. She’s not worth it. You need to disconnect from her as soon as you can. That’s the first step. I know it’s very lonely and miserable, and you feel isolated and hopeless (been there too), but what’s important is finding (or making) friends who don’t judge you for those reasons, and develop a support system--even if it’s just one person in real life and a few online. Then you can worry about family and finding a new love. In the meantime, look for new friends, online or not, find new hobbies to fill the time and use the energy you’re putting into this straight woman. Try dreaming about your perfect woman, and dont’ put this straight lady’s face on her. Just dream, if nothing else. You need to distract yourself from her, and distance yourself from her.

You will someday find a woman to love you back, and that you can love, and whilst I can’t guarantee your conservative family will ever come around, some day their opinion won’t matter nearly as much. Or they may surprise you. You’ll have what you need through other ways. You are lovable and someone will find you. I know how stupid it sounds, but you really just need to hang on a little while longer.

I know these words are pretty easy to say and a lot harder to live, but if nothing else, know you’re not alone. There are 1000s if not millions of women just like you in the world. Somewhere. I honestly hope things get better for you and I hope you find someone who deserves your love.

Again, never apologise for sending messages like this. To anybody. Venting and ranting is always welcome here. BIG HUGS, ANON. xx

#much love #Anonymous

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bard-dadsquared · 4 years

Text

In other news, I do need validation. Long angry rant is about to happen.

The other day I called my Ex on fb so he could talk to our son. I made a comment later that day how he looked like he hadnt been sleeping and how he seemed like he may be depressed, and the person i was talking to was just like

"Poor guy :(("

To which I just shrugged and told them that I didnt feel bad for him, everything he's feeling, he brought on himself.

They said "I feel kinds bad for him because I know he loves you!"

And I'm just???

Maybe he did?? Maybe he does?? But that doesn't negate all the shit he did to drive me the fuck away. I loved him too once. But then everything I said, everything I felt, everything I tried to ask for fell on deaf ears.

I don't feel bad for him because when we moved to the duplex in Texas, he left all the loading and packing to me. It was up to me to find people to help me move stuff to the new place and make sure everything was packed and ready to go. All he worried about was his PC and his desk. Hell even my brother and I had to put my bed frame together because he hadn't done it.

He was an asshole everytime we had to go back to the other house to help clean up too and got mad once because my mom asked us to bring something and he didnt bring it.

But things settled down mostly. I hated how i was expected to do almost everything but it was manageable.

Then he wanted to move and find a new job, which was fine, he sorta?? Let me know what kind of jobs he was applying for and where. But when he got an offer, he accepted it without even talking to me about it. The job he took he was going to start in two months and I had less than a months notice to pack all of our shit and leave not only that but they didn't offer relocation and he was going to be getting a little less in pay. We had less than a month to move Which again- he barely helped with. All the sorting through shit and packing was left up to me once again. I ended up leaving almost all of our stuff behind because I couldnt fucking take it with me to my moms.

I gave Virginia a shot and i was more miserable than I've been ever. I was expected to do everything. EVERYTHING. I decided to go to California. I had originally hoped that in doing so we could save some money and he could use the money we saved to get stuff for the apartment to make it more comfortable.

Which didnt really happen until April. After being with Family in Cali for a while, seeing how well lucian was doing and stuff, I honestly didn't wanna go back. I went back to sign the lease and then again a couple months after my aunt died because of how tense things were at the house, i figured it'd be a last ditch effort to save things.

But no. I tried to tell him how I felt. I tried to tell him what bothered me, why i was so depressed. I told him I felt lonely, I told him I felt like i was expected to do everything. And it always. always felt like I was talking to a wall

I told him I wished wed go out and do things more, that itd be nice and I might meet people. He wanted me to meet people online first and then meet them in person. Which totally defeated the purpose of getting me out of the. House to socialize, and even if indidnt make any friends then at least I got out and was productive. But he doesnt like leaving the house.

I told him countless times that I felt like it was unfair that he expected me to do so much work around then house with minimal help, but nothing changed. He thought helping more meant cleaning the kitchen and making easy dinners.

And while I appreciated it in wished hed help more with the living room too, or the laundry, or anything else literally. The most recent time I brought it up he managed to turn it around to finances and told me that he doesnt spend money on himself because he spends it all on me and Lucian. He told me that if i didnt get what I wanted I essentially acted like it was the end of the world.

Granted yes, I'd get disappointed and my displays depending on my mood or whether or not the item was seasonal or limited edition varried from minor to being a little mopey (i really tried not to be, most of the time i was usually more upset about the ungodly cost than anything.)

Then he invades my privacy, not once but twice I found out. This son of a bitch logged on to my discord, TWICE.

The first time he did it was a day I cleaned the whole apartment. Like I vacuumed, shampooed, cleaned the kitchen counters the best in could, did the dishes, took out the trash, wiped counters and the stove, did several loads of laundry, picked up in the bedroom.

As soon as he got home i went to my room and I guess thats when he did it. He logged onto my account on the computer and opened discord, and went through my messages.

That's literally the only reason he asked me for a divorce. Was because he had seen I've been thinking about it for a while.

And then for whatever reason he did it a second fucking time.

The irony? The first time he did it?? If hed just fucking come to me, I was gonna ask him for a divorce myself. But then he did it, and while it was a huge relief at the time, it would have taken every ounce of willpower not to slap him if I had known then that he was only asking because he went through my messages.

We managed to work things out to maintain some civility for Lucian's sake, and i was okay with that! I was glad we seemed to have cleared the air a little bit.

But then I thought about it more, he never actually apologized to me for anything. He never actually apologized for the messed up stuff he did or said, and he doesnt think he did anything wrong by going through my messages. In fact he thinks he was justified because "I needed to know how they really felt."

And then when I admitted some things I did or said was messed up, he didnt even actually own up to his bullshit. He had to lump me in with him

"Cant we bith admit that we both did and said fucked up shit?"

Like?? That's whaT I WAS JUST DOING. WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THIS WHOLE TIME???

Then on my way to CO I find out??? He tried to say he does everything himself??? Inwas looking into the requirements to fly with my cat and dog because originally i was going to fly to Colorado. I dont remember which airline I checked, but I checked the requirements for the airline he was gonna send me on, and then he tells my step dad hes tired of doing everything himself.

WHAT???

I looked it up!! I thought I was gonna fly with a certain airline so that's who I fucking looked it up for!!! And hes trying to say he did all the footwork HIMSELF?! If I'd known he was considering another airline I WOULD HAVE LOOKED THAT UP TOO, BUT I DIDNT. Then He has the audacity to say hes tired of being the only one doing all the work??

Are you fucking kidding me????

No, nuh uh. Fuck him. I dont think I hate him surprisingly but FUCK IM LIVID.

I should by all rights hate his fucking guts, but dont, if I did the sight of him would send me into fits of rage as would the mention of his name.

But God damn I am PISSED OFF at him. So fucking pissed off. I mean for all I know hes hacked my account and is reading this right fucking now.

If you are Alex, FUCK YOU for everything you've put me through these last couple years.

fuck him. I don't feel bad for him in the least. I know I'm not fucking perfect, but I fucking tried. I gave him more chances than he fucking deserved. He held me to unfair standards, he expected me to clean house in 2 hours or less, expected me to cook every fucking night, constantly tried to tell me my mental health is harder for him than it is for me, tried to tell my family that he does all the fucking work (okay I cant make phone calls but I can do fucking research you fuck), made me out to be the bad guy constantly, doesn't own up to his bullshit, put me through all this and EXPECTED ME TO APOLOGIZE FOR GOING TO CALIFORNIA, went through my fucking discord, and countless other bullshit.

Yeah no I don't feel bad for him. Not at all, he had plenty of chances to work with me to avoid all this and he chose to ignore it. The only attempts seemed to be when I wasn't with him.

I have a lot of baggage and issues, but I fucking deserve better than that.

If hes in emotional turmoil because of what happened. He brought it on himself. I fuckin tried.

If me not feeling even a little sorry for him makes me a bad person

Then get me my fucking demon costume.

#blue.txt #long post #negative #ask to tag #I JUST REALLY NEEDED TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST

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diningpageantry · 5 years

Text

Drunk Text

Archive Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18215168/chapters/43179500

Chapter 4/10 of It’s A Handheld Disaster

Word Count: 2002

Chapter Summary: Baz's friends get him a little drunk, which scares Simon half to death. Cue nervous spamming, best friend's advice, and a single picture.

BAZ

(strings_n_roses): gods.mistake: i dont know i guess im just scared of losing her family's attention???

My eyes scan over his text in the drop down, thumb pressing onto the screen to keep it half-showing. It's probably not a good idea to be talking to him about this right at this second, but I don't want him to feel abandoned (especially given our topic). The tiny graphic of the Instagram logo looms in the forefront of my mind even after I close my phone, thinking of a response.

A hard lemonade bottle rolls and rests against my thigh, making me look up at Dev as he pops open another. Despite calling them a “Gay drink”, he's already gone through two of them.

“Oy, you've barely had shit,” he says, twisting off the top of his third as he eyes my one half-empty bottle.

“Yeah,” Niall adds, eyebrows narrowing as he lifts his own drink. He bought an even shittier wine cooler. “Loosen up a little, you wound up dick.”

Reluctantly, I bring my bottle to my lips and swing, maintaining eye constant with Niall. Even with a weird shiver in a response, he doesn't look away. Neither do I--not until the bottle is finished. With a pop of my lips, I lower the glass and smirk. “There--happy?”

“I… guess?” He says slowly. “You okay, mate? What's wrong?”

What's wrong? What's wrong? Snow's texting me from his bathroom, too tired from crying to get off the tile, and I can't help him in any other way than to talk to him. That's what's wrong. “It's nothing. Just shit. That's all.”

Dev's foot nudges mine, making me disconcerted with their mutual care for my emotions. Usually, they just let me sulk, but tonight… tonight's odd. They're boozing me up and getting me to talk (for once).

I turn my head head away, looking towards the long, creaking window of mine. It nearly brushes the floor, and looks out upon the broad, rise and fall of our garden. The winter season leaves it beyond chilling.

“Can you open that?” I ask, voice tired as I nod towards my cousin. He blinks at me at first before rising to his feet and drawing it open. With a hand on my bed frame, I haul myself upright and onto my feet before digging through my nightstand. In the back lies a pack of cigs and a lighter I snagged from Aunt Fi's flat.

Only Dev takes one when I offer, seating myself right on the ledge. Neither of them bat an eye, except Niall's concerned staring as I lean against the frame, striking the light.

“Fine, don't answer,” he mumbles, taking back a mouthful of his drink.

I let in a drag, feeling it burn the back of my throat as I slide out my phone. Both the boys sit silently, exchanging glances as I finally type back a semi-coherent response for Simon.

The already buzzing of my head from the nicotine doesn't fully help my thoughts as much as I hoped it would.

strings_n_roses: christmas is over now, so the holidays are gone. if she weighs heavily on you because of the break up, then it isn't healthy and definitely not a pain that you deserve

strings_n_roses: and i know she drives you home, but maybe someone on your team will drive you instead if you ask

strings_n_roses: there's options other than discomfort

I suck in, turning off my phone with the app left open. The sound of Niall's shifting is nearly enough to make me want to yell. Their collective concern is barely appreciated, given it seems to be so sparse when actually needed.

In all honesty, I shouldn't blame them. I'm not in school, and they're just trying to help when they can. still, I can't shake the emptiness of their situational devotion to my feelings.

“You've been acting odd,” Dev adds first, giving me another drink. I take it, finishing my cig first. Looking at the burning end of it, I hand it out the window and crush it against the stone of the wall, leaving the butt on the sill as I climb off.

The drink is always better when you start the second one. “Just life shit. Doesn't matter,” I say, leaning back against the wall as I exhale slowly. There it is. The odd, mostly empty stomach nausea I get whenever I get to drink. Hits me harder, and makes it stronger. And almost definitely going to fuck me over, but it's only a few drinks (and I'm a lightweight, because fuck genetics).

As my eyes fall shut, I feel the jostling buzz of my notifications. Without hesitation, I pick it up and read it through as more messages slide down.

(strings_n_roses): gods.mistake: i dont really have friends on the team to drive me

(strings_n_roses): gods.mistake: or really anyone, except penny and sort of agatha, i guess

(strings_n_roses): gods.mistake: and her dad. her dad loves me

(strings_n_roses): gods.mistake: fuck im a little lonely fucker sorry im a killjoy and you're probably doing something more interesting with your life and im just ranting like an idiot fuck sorry

I ignore both Dev and Niall's looks as I attentively swipe it open, head spinning. I barely pay attention to what I'm saying, trying to get a word in before he has a chance to belittle himself further.

strings_n_roses: don't apologise at all. im heer to yell towards

strings_n_roses: after all im judt drinking im not ewally doingmuch

SIMON

My heart nearly stops, throat catching as I reread.

He's drinking. Fuck.

Vision blurring and body weak, the process of pulling myself upright makes it a battle all in itself.

The bathroom floor is filthy, but it felt like home. One minute I was standing, washing my hands silently in the sink, then I met my eyes in the mirror and crumpled onto the old, ratty bathmat. I'd just cried, a quiet sob into my wrist as the details of the room overwhelmed me. The dripping of the sink, the burning of the lights. The fear of losing Penny because I've practically lost Agatha already.

I don't even know if I miss her. I don't know if I want to miss her. I miss her family at Christmas--this was the first year since moving here without me going to the Wellbeloves for the holidays. I know I miss the way we'd sit together in silence, shoulder to shoulder and watching Doctor Who, but I don't know if I miss us.

She'd told me today that I'm too much. It's been months since the break up, but she said she still had something to say. That something, apparently, is that my life's unnecessary overwhelming, and I don't make her happy.

I told her likewise to me, even if I didn't mean it.

Maybe I did. I don't know.

I don't know anything.

I don't know why Baz is drinking. He'd told me a month or so back that he does occasionally, but he usually refrains from drunk texting. Says he doesn't like waking up to messages he didn't mean to send. I wonder what's different tonight.

I wipe my eyes, sniffling as quietly as possible as my trembling fingers tap out a response.

gods.mistake: please drink water

gods.mistake: and limit yourself. dont drink too much fuck just slow down

gods.mistake: did you eat? make sure youre eating

gods.mistake: please dont do anything stupid just please dont hurt yourself

At first, he's silent. The read receipt pops up, then stays still. Something in me thumps, then grows in strength as I struggle to breathe evenly again.

I've seen it too often. Too fast--too soon. The spiraling, the life destruction. The kids a few years older than me stashing stolen pill bottles under beds and liquor in their pillow cases.

I don't want him to hurt like that, and I can feel it already. The biting edge of coping.

My hand slides through my hair, settling amongst tangled curls as I shake. A disappearing picture from him pops up, starling me slight before I exhale, opening it.

It's his hand, the flash on it as he holds a pint sized glass of water. I can recognize it from his pictures of violin playing, scattered throughout his damned aesthetic Instagram account. It's the only part of his body I can recognize, and I know it well. Smooth on the back, and calloused fingertips with sharp jutting angles of his joins. His skin is a midtone of soft brown, like the shade of a perfect cup of tea, and his palm fades much lighter. You can tell he's some posh arse, because his nails are always trimmed and buffed.

And there they are, holding a glass of water with a crudely drawn smiley face on the screen. The room is mostly dark around it, and I can only make out hardwood floor and a thick, red carpet.

(gods.mistake): strings_n_roses: i'm okay i promise! i'm a healthy boy

(gods.mistake): strings_n_roses: :)

(gods.mistake) strings_n_roses: i’m with friends rhey’re takint xare of me i promise i an ok!

gods.mistake: ok ok im sorry for freaking out im sorry

I chew on my nail, biting around to the cuticles as my eyes squeeze shut. I'm overreacting again. I'm blowing up.

I tap out of the app and pull of my messaging, pulling my one of few conversations--Penny.

im losing it right now penn

its so stupid and youre gonna hate me but im losing it fuck me fuck shit fuck fuck fuck

You've texted your last fuck, buddy

It's the swearing police

I've come to ask for a recount of why on Earth you're sobbing

its stupid its so stupid im sorry

its baz hes drinking

and i panicked and messaged him a ton but im worried i pissed him off and he might hate me what if he hates me

fuck shit fuck

Do you have any basis on him hating you???

Did he text you all angry???

no but i feel it im stupid and i know it i feel it

First of all, stop

Second of all, if he's not angry, he's not angry

Third, why does this matter so much? You barely know him

thats not true we talk everyday

He's online, Si

You can lose him in a snap, why care?

Why do you even trust him so much you don't know what he looks like ://

i know what his hands look like

thats something

and just idk i trust him he seems to care

and we like the same stuff and i just

idk

i trust him

why are you talking about this again now

i thought we were over this

I said I was tired of you talking about Baz at lunch, I didn't say we were over the conversation

I'm just worried, that's all

Fuck knows you don't have someone else to worry about you over this, and he could just be some arse praying on you because you're vulnerable

People do that, you know

hes not some 80 year old creep penn

he seems as young as he says

and he doesnt use me or anything we just talk

im ok im safe i swear

hes just scaring me

Just be safe, Simon.

Something makes me jump, and it takes a full moment to register that it's Davy knocking around downstairs, doing whatever he does in his study. I should be in bed. He knows I should be in bed. He'll want me to be asleep, after all.

I tiptoe out carefully, knowing where the floor doesn't creak as I slip back into my room and in bed. The blanket's shit and scratchy, but it's something.

As I plug my mobile in, I send out a quick message to Baz, letting my embarrassment ease through while I swallow my pride.

gods.mistake: im sorry for freaking out

gods.mistake: sleep tight pls

#it's a handheld disaster #carry on #fanfiction #fanfic #fic #mine #snowbaz #simon snow #tyrannus basilton grimm pitch #tyrannus basilton grimm-pitch #baz pitch #simon #baz #i would list everyone else but hhh effort #and i am. tired.#so here *jazz hands*

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stabbingandorbeingstabbed · 5 years

Note

IT TOLD ME "BAD REQUEST" WHEN I TRIED TO SEND THIS LAST TIME SO IM GONNA TRY AGAIN ANYWAY I LOVE THESE 9, 11, 19, 21, 23, 29, 43, 44, 64, 76, 89, 92, 98

HALLIE BLESS YOU for never giving up i LOVE doing these god ALRIGHTY

9. favorite smell in the summer?

honestly probably like. sunscreen and chlorine?? even tho i havent gone swimming in like the better part of a decade it just smells like Childhood u know??? simpler times lmao

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

well on an average day i wake up in the morning just long enough to take bean dip out and feed her breakfast and then Immediately shuffle back to bed until i have to go into work at like 2pm so usually i have like a Tiny glass of orange juice and a 6 hour nap for breakfast tbh

19. sleeping position?

on my stomach sprawled out but also contorted around my tiny dog who somehow manages to sleep in the Dead Center of my queen sized bed Every Night Without Fail

21. obsession from childhood?

okay as a kid i was kind of obsessed with titanic around the time the movie came out so i was about 5?? but like i wasnt Allowed to see the movie so i just tirelessly researched the disaster itself which kind of alarmed the adult figures in my life?? i was also obsessed with mummies but i feel like thats a bit more acceptable lmao

23. strange habits?

i dont really know how Strange it is but i end up at the nearest 24 hr grocery store almost every night bc im genuinely nocturnal and i get Restless at around like 12-3 am and just want something to Do so i’ll just. go to meijer and peruse the cosmetics aisle for like a suspiciously long time and always end up buying something bc i already LOOK like a teenage delinquent and i dont want them to think im coming in to steal lipstick like i did when i actually WAS a teenage delinquent

29. best way to bond with you?

talk to me about mcr like literally this is the reason me and my long distance bff are still So Close bc he can put up with my Rambling about The Boys and i listen when he calls me from his apartment in scenic ryan ross’ upper digestive tract like its all about having shared or adjacent interests babey!!!! lmao

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

i definitely wear my denim jacket with the patches the most but i wouldnt be a true jacket slut if i didnt give honorable mention to both my leather jackets and my Stupidly Large bomber jacket id be nothing without them

44. favorite scent for soap?

ooh this is gonna be Controversial but i worked at lush for the holiday season like a few years back and fell in LOVE with their karma soap which is literally just like Straight Up Patchouli with a LITTLE hint of sweet orange and like id bathe in that shit and follow it up with karma lotion and for like a year everyone was like “you smell like you work at a head shop” which was fair but whatever dude i think it smells Lovely lmao

64. favorite website from your childhood?

i did spend a Stupid amount of time on the mcr flash site playing that flying nun game and watching their music videos during my middle school computer class but my first like online Community was actually the fall out boy rocks message boards id spend HOURS lurking there AND its where i saw my first dick bc i was ON THERE when petes sidekick got hacked lmao like i. wouldnt be the person i am today if i hadnt spent so much time on the fobr boards tbh for better or worse

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

oh man if we’re going basic im saying fries but specifically fries from rallys/checkers and if we’re going Cultured im gonna say samosas filled with spiced potatoes bc i had them exactly one (1) time and never forgot and have been craving them like a motherfuck for the past week

89. who would you put before everyone else?

the easy answer is my mom bc like, even tho we dont see eye to eye on almost anything at all shes put up with a fair amount of shit from me and is still willing to put me up while i try to get my life together and like be an actual adult so i kinda owe her lmao but if she doesnt count then definitely gerard way and there are no runners up

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

fairy lights and lamps all the way idc if its like 2013 tumblr aesthetic i Hate overhead lighting its too Harsh!!!!

98. favorite historical era?

honestly im not really sure what else was going on in the world during this time bc history in a broad sense never really caught my interest but i’d LOVE to go back to when the spiritualist movement was in full swing and you could just like. go to a seance for fun on the weekend like that sounds like my idea of a good time

#oohhh these were fun i didnt even know the answer to a few of them without doing some like Introspection lmao #theseventh-son

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strawberryspeachy · 4 years

Text

Also im sick of obnoxious japanese eaters

Things ive found out are myths here

1) everyones nice.

No. Everyone smiles hard to cover up whatever assholery theyre doing - if theyre supposed to be nice to you. Public people are the same as usual... except theres alot more shoving

2) everything about school

They don’t pay for school. Its free. Just like ours. Except private school. Just like ours

They are not MORE overworked in school nor do they study more. Their rules are much loser. And just like the states, teachers have no real authority- but unlike the states - the students do not fear repercussions. They can be touched though but thats more because japanese people think its fine to touch each other a lot - ya know. Just dont hug as an adult - but all other invading of some kind of private bubble is fine

3) SLURPING No thats not just a “it shows you love the food!” Bs. Just like the states, the people you hear disgustingly slurping just eat loud and are gross... imo... people here dont seem to think its gross but far more people eat like civilized humans and dont slurp everything from solids to actual liquids.

K like every time the past two days ive had to be near people slurping their fucking food and as a person who HATES hearing people eat... its why im bitching here. LETTUCE DOES NOT NEED SLURPED

4) just anything they call “culture” they used a pretty word to cover for “thats just the dumb thing we do here” its literally like if we said aggressively speed driving and cutting people off is new yorkers culture

Japan has a lot of history and traditions. But mostly they have a lot of bs that theyre just too stubborn to acknowledge and change so they lable it culture. Any changes they make are pretty much like when my great grandmother got a cell phone.

She only turned it on to charge it and make a phone call - leave a voicemail saying that she called - and then would turn it back off. It wasnt ever even on long enough for her to need to charge it.

But in her mind no one could complain that she didnt have one. And the only emergency in her mind was her needing to call you - not vice versa. She wouldnt use it for any other purpose and generally resented its existence. She hated watching anyone else use their cell phones to check the time or take pictures or play games or have lenthy conversations.

Yea. Thats basiclly japan with everything new. They have it. But they dont use it , and its possibilities scare them so the old ppl say its not allowed to be used unless the old people need to use it

Sorry man i hate everywhere i am. My aparment is next to a bar that looks permanently closed during the day. I had no clue it was there till after i moved in and the loud karaoke blared into my window every damn night

My train line is a nightmare and if you wanna see the worst japanese people can be. Ride the train during rush hours

My post office is far away and they refuse to ring my doorbell when i have a delivery and instead just leave slip - if you dont hike over in their made up time period they throw your stuff away

No one will actually help you with serious stuff. They just smile and say sorry and run away — customer service. Yea. Not customer service. They could just as easily be a manican with a smiley face - itd serve the same purpose.

Theres too much paperwork constantly all the time about everything

Nothing is online

Another thing that prompted me for this “this is japanese chocolate”

Cool. I got that its japanese. Im in japan. Everything people point out for me “its japanese____” fucking imagine if we felt the need to point out every damn item as “american” in the states. Why? What is the meaning of this?

They gave me a table to sit at at this school. A table. That they make lunch on and put all their supplies on. A dude just kicked my chair as he came over for some shit. Why am i sitting at a table? Very very few japanese people ive worked with dont make me feel like an adopted pet dog that theyre not sure if itll bite. Dog. Not new person. They literlly have the children fetch me...

And ive grown so so very tired of being asked questions with the intention of having me overhype japan while maintaining that im so stupid that i know absolutely nothing about the country

98% of japanese people assume that you think of japan like youve never even heard of their country before arriving and that you just arrived two days ago

Also. Maybe they think their test scores and clases are so much more difficult because they cant seem to fathom that most other countries schools function the same way as theirs

Yesterday a teacher said “ah theyre so overworked. They have alot to remember” i thought she was about to tell me how many units were on their exam or something... no “english, japanese, science, math, history, pe, food class, art! Too many things. Theyre very overworked”

..... are you for real? Im pretty sure every fucking school has those subjects if you switch out japanese for the countries native language.... this is NORMAL

Im sorry. I know the reason anyone talking to me like this might not like me. Cause im not gonna go WOWWW SUGEII?!?!? So much stuff!! Poor them!

No. Yeah? Thats school...

Look im not an asshole to my kids. If they can manage to tell me any information about their life in english or simple japanese i can translate - i act surprised/ or am if their english is super good.

But adults... no man. Learn some stuff about the outside world. Youre not specifical

Also dating boys here is just like back home except they wont block you and they respond less

Instead of getting “nice” “oh” “idk” and “maybe” as there fading messages - they just leave you on read. Or give you some random information that you didnt ask about that has no relevance to the ‘convo’

Also also. “Speak slow” they dont say this in a ‘my english is not good so speak slower’ way. They say this in a ‘i felt really good about my english until you spoke at a normal pace and my classes and ass-kissing white dudes have taught me that enlgish is spoken slow and percisely so if you dont speak with a japanese accent, your fast english is wrong’

Whatever but like... could you return the favor by speaking japanese slowly. Speak it the way you want me to speak english....

Telling them to speak slow results in something like

... nihon..de〜 nan mabdnshsnabsjsnjsbshssnbsjsbsjshsh ka?

Woah ok... something in Japan... couldnt catch the rest of that

Id be more understanding of this. Its hard to speak slow. Lets both acknowledge this and not - teachers compalining to principals and boys... (1) sending me a fucking video on how to speak my own damn language properly

Also. Do you know how upsetting it is to listen to a student say something perfectly but before i get to praise them - have the japanese teacher jump in and “correct” them...... no no dude please. I know youll have a fucking meltdown if i say no your ways wrong. But now this student is so confused desperately staring at me positive theyre correct and all ive come up with to do is smiling and nodding at them while repeating the way they said hoping the japanese teacher wont notice/get offended

Also togo food... if its not american fast food... generally you cant take it to go... its sad. I have no friends. I just wanna take this home to eat in front of my tv. This isnt serious. Its just a minior inconvenience

Also joking... my japanese isnt good enough to joke. And... idk how... cant explain. The other day a student asked whats my favorite food

And another went hamburger?!? Mcdonalds!!?

I wanted to comment.. but. At least elementary students understand sarcasm. Their teachers dont. And whether the middle schoolers understand and just dont care is up in the air.

Oh! And. I was right last week when i didnt trust my teachers saying that the obvious bullying was just a misunderstanding and the obvious targets fault. Another straight up teacher said some kids have left the school because of bullying and theyre really awful when left alone in the rooms... i told him thats why we cant go unsupervised in america. Japan says the students are just perfect upstanding citizens, so much more caring and mature than other students. Nope. Middle schoolers will be middle schoolers no matter what country.

0 notes

norman-reedus-gossip · 7 years

Text

bulk

--mod--

I'll add to the comments.

Bulk

Anon: DK once said she traveled 24 hours to see JJ for only one day. She did the same with Norman now

.   Anon:

 So now that we know DK is definitely in Barcelona (just jared) has anyone still a explanation why she's hiding? Why didn't she attend Normans gallery opening to show they are just friends? Why was she sneaking around in Barcelona alone meanwhile? Why did the fans two days ago say he was with his girlfriend? Why would they lie. Norman is pissing his pants, he deleted comments calling them out. He usually never does this. You all don't know DK, she wouldn't travel the world to see just a friend.   

Anon:

 Just Jared shared pics of DK in Barcelona. It was her with him and they were trying to hide their dirty little secret. I hope someone will call them out now. Norman already deleted some comments calling him out. Seems like he can't take it.   

.   Anon:

It still ticks me off people are now going to label N as a liar or pos. Dude is probably just trying to protect his privacy. Are they fucking? Probably, but I wouldn't buy them wedding gifts just yet. I can't wait to hear what PR wife has to say lol

  Anon:

 So it was DK on the bike...   

Anon:

 Love you mod! 😘 I love N but he fucked himself with this one. US papers are going to pick up on this, and I highly doubt his people are going to issue another denial. Which he should have never had them do in the first place. If he's boning her, own up to it, if not, he probably should start. lol I don't see a committed relationship here. Cause this fucker sure flirts/goes out with a lot of other people besides her, many of them women. What do you think mod? Im genuinely curious on ur take?   

Anon: Ya'll need to think logical. If Dk was only normans friend she would have been there at his gallery opening yesterday. she definitely wasn't. they are together probably since sky and cheating is involved and now they are trying to hide their dirty little fling. they deserve each other. norman is not the person he claimed to be which disgust me to death. --mod--

Don't die anon.

   Anon:   

Oh did you all see Norman and DK let delete all the pictures of them in Barcelona on IG. There were lots of them in both her and his tag and now they all disappeared. Someones trying to hide the dirty secret. They can't take that people called them out when they were sure no one noticed them together in spain. But sure, friends do all this if they don't have anything to hide. Also I wonder why she didn't attend his opening show last night? Friends support friends... oh wait....   --Mod-- I don't think they can delete someone else's photos

 Anon:

 Daily Mail has an article out now too. Well done Norman. Didn't work with the hiding and trying to secretly screw around in Europe. Too bad. I almost feel sorry for his reps, they tried to do damage control and officially denied it because Norman probably lied to them too and now THEY are the ones looking bad. Hope they going to kick his booty out pretty soon.    

Anon:  Mod I'm sorry but I just will never get it. Why did Norman let his reps deny a romance if he knew he'd secretly meet her in Barcelona just two weeks later? Are his reps okay with this? They gonna look like liars I can't believe they agree with what hes doing. It's Norman's fault and his own problem when the next shitstorm is coming now. He and his reps should have said simply nothing but now they look so shady and false. No one will ever believe them again. And that's why I don't understand it.   -mod-- I don't think your the only one WTF'ing right now   

Anon:  

Norman makes me want to vomit so hard. I'm so sick of him and his shit. He stone cold lied into everyone's face, saying he's just friends with DK. Hell he even let his reps deny it. Wonder how they feel about this now. They will look like liars. If this man was my client I'd kick his ass out faster than he can look. It truly disgusts the hell out of me. Specially a man who claimed to love honesty is the biggest liar. Yo Norman, I hope your image is gonna fall to pieces. No fan deserves this. --mod-- Don't puke too hard you might pull a muscle

   Anon:  

None of the gossip site reporting on NR and DK's relationship seem to believe they are just friends so why should we?  --mod-- People can believe what they want. We don't all have to agree 

  Maria:  People should calm down  The only thing that bothers me regarding the DK/NR situation is the lack of respect of people, they create pages on IG to insult them. They call DK slut, pig, wh*re, etc…and they do the same to NR. Come on people, you can not agree with their relationship (friend or love) but have some education and respect, they don’t own you anything and you won’t win anything if they stop seeing each other. Mod, sending you some whisky and nachos to help you deal with the crazies. http://www.casimages.com/i/170314052229350479.jpg.html --Mod-- That's a picture of HEAVEN

   Anon:  Mod, what do you think now? I may be in the minority but what if they are only friends on his side of the coin but it's HER who wants more? How stupid would Norman be to deny it & knowingly have her come to Barcelona 2 weeks later to make him look like a complete lying fool? Her pap shots leaving NYC & then arriving in Paris weren't exactly secretive either. It's not like she didn't tip off anyone that she was on the move and even what part of the world she was in. Something's not right about it --mod-- I don't I guess. I guess I just don't see as a full on relationship, it's something but not all lovely dovey like this pay for play rags make it out to be.He's never really had a problem with being seen with someone his fans disapprove of.   Anon:  what happened to the DK/NR bike pic?? I can't seem to find it anywhere anymore!! Did everyone just delete it simultaneously orrrr --mod-- It's still out there.  

Anon:  

Shes clearly not hiding. NO1 barc paparazzi would know who she was or even nobody except online fans knew she COULD be there. Yeah she wore a hoodie but she also was super over the top trying to make ascene and even took off her glasses so they couldclearly get her face never mind wearing the same clothes as when she was on the bike just so we'd know for sure she was with NR. Total setup cos she doesn't like being the dirty little secret. Get out of there gurl i don't like u but u deserve better

   Anon:  

I don't want to go to wsc to meet him now. He's not who I thought he was. I thought he was always the sweet honest guy he portrayed himself as but if any of this is true, how can he be if this is what he has been hiding and then officially lying about to TMZ and everyone else? does anyone know if you can sell wsc tickets? --mod-- You can totally sell your tickets, I see them on Craigslist all the time. Or you could go and meet someone else.

  Anon:

 I think this hate group did something to NR and DK's benefit. Of course that's not the their purpose but there was so much anger and hatred in their messages. And then everyone felt the need to act to defend them. Have a good day Mod, I love you Can I ask for a gif from you? --mod-- Wait there's a hate group. That's not rad. I'll get your gif up soon. Any requests    

Anon:

 I wish Norman would say something else. This looks SO bad. If he's really only just friends with her then I think he needs to put his other foot down. No one is acknowledging his first denial and this just looks so terrible now. She didn't go to the second art gallery because I think it would have overshadowed it like the first, no matter what the truth is (friends or otherwise). So I wish he would do a full statement on this.    

Anon:

 To the people saying she didn't want to be seen, that can't be true. If she were REALLY trying to keep it quiet, she didn't have to announce that she was in Europe at all. If he were really trying to keep it quiet, why would he go riding around with her and then take selfies with fans with her standing off to the side? Something isn't adding up!    Anon:  Re: potential cheating. Sky was filmed in very early 2015. The supposed bar kissing was in Dec 2015, right? It's now March 2017, and we're just now seeing pictures of them potentially together. JJ's been spotted kissing women twice since the official split. But no public romance from DK / Norman. If they've been together since say February 2015, (1) that's a long-ass time to be sneaky, (2) esp. since neither seems to have super-duper spy skills, & (3) it's the weirdest "affair" I've ever seen.  --mod-- 3 is the best EVER   

Anon:

 I don't understand how everyone can be upset and saying they are done supporting N when there was just a rumor out that he MIGHT be with DK.. But now that it seems he is everyone is fine with it? Makes no sense. My personal opinion (and I've seen this before) he thinks his fans dont approve of his gf just because "theyre crazy fangirls who want him". No, people don't approve because of WHO the girl is. If I recall weren't most of his previous gf liked? Haha btw love your blog. Great job mod💖  --mod-- Most we generally liked I believe

 Anon:  

Wait, am I the only one who thinks they could just be friends? I don't understand why people aren't believing his denial? He denied they were dating not that they were friends. Maybe she had time so she went over to Barcelona from Paris as friends? Maybe he didn't lie at all?? Maybe she's the one still after his fame?

 Anon:

 I can't believe he did this. He blatantly LIED. Even if they had been together and keeping it quiet, he puts out a denial only to be caught??? I don't get it. Why would he stay silent for a year, then put out a denial then get caught with her? I don't understand any of this!!! I am SO disappointed in him. I can't believe he would lie to his fanbase so blatantly. I defended him for so long. And it's not because I'm "jealous" I'm genuinely hurt by his lying. He has no respect for us as fans.    

Anon:

 I don't believe for one second they are dating. Just Jared is not exactly reputable and the article did say they were NOT seen together. I think it's nothing more than friends if even that. DK is sad and shady AF and it's obvious this is all for attention on her part. --mod-- 😏😏😏

  Anon:   

Mod can I ask for your opinion? Do you think it's possible they *are* just friends? I can't get over that she planted those pap shots (both NYC and Bcla) so I can't believe he would risk his reputation by making a statement that they were friends before that and then get caught sneaking? Maybe he's just tired of having to not be seen with females he associates with? It's not a big deal for rich people to fly around the world.  --mod--

Anythings possible. The shots are just weird and so are the articles. Whatever is going on they should probably talk it out, get on the same page and then do whatever they want. Also what I said makes no sense my brain hurts

 Anon:

 If NR and DK were just friends I don't get why she's trying to hard not to be seen in Barcelona? It's obvious from the pics she was trying not to be spotted but why bother if you've got nothing to hide? --mod-- They may not have anything to hide, but regardless of what they do or don't do is going to be picked apart. She really isn't trying hard not to be seen. She's not hiding. Hiding is not walking around in broad daylight. I'm not shading her at all, she was in a beautiful city and was taking in the sights. But if your going to hide and you know people are looking for you, you don't go outside and stroll the streets. Just my opinion.    

Anon:   

Norman is not who I thought he was. He apparently lies and cheats and sneaks around. I am so upset. It has nothing to do with him being with someone but the way he lied about it. He's not the person he said he was to his fans. How can we believe anything he says to us anymore? I believed in him so much. He broke my heart if this is all true.    

Anon:

 Mod I am so confused! We know that she is the one who paid for the NYC garage photos, then his PR makes a statement to deny it and then he is caught with her again? And she has paid for the new paparazzi pics bc no way would people even know to look for her in Barcelona. So what is going on? Why would he deny it on one side KNOWING that she would be trying to make it look real? If they were together, he would have known they were coming out so why would he make himself out to look like a liar??  --mod-- No idea.   

Anon:

 Maybe this will all end now that it's obvious they are a couple no way their just friends. I will say DK didn't look to happy in those set up pap pictures norman not giving her his attention poor baby   

Anon:  

I'm sorry people but them coming out its not because will be a 'cheating scandal' when that shit was not even a cheating since there is no proof of that. They dont 'come out' because norman wants a fwb relationship. He denied anything with her because in the end they dont have a committed relationship and he couldnt say yeah we are friends that fuck. Diane obviously wants more than what she has but if she continues this greedy i see her in a very short minute being send to space very quick.   

Anon:  

If he was really interested in her and protecting her he had not denied anything and everything with her and since she was in barcelona he would have taken her to exhibition but since she didnt did that she made an 'oh so casually' paps pics when paps are not even common thing in barcelona. She is a friend that he fucks and he is willing to go all over the world at his call. that is her place on his life. she wants more but since he doesnt give her she tries to make it more than it is via tabs

   Anon: norman wanted a fwb and made a problem...lol to me is very simple. He called her for a bootycall and she was willing to go. Non of the less and since she couldnt set him up...AGAIN, she calls the paps to 'catch her' in the middle of barcelona where she is not even well know or there is paps for C list celebs. It's obvious to me too this have NOTHING to him protecting her or not. he clearly doesnt want the same as her she is the one pushing and being ridiculous.

 Anon: I still think she was there for his art show ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ friends support each other.   Anon:  Hey Mod, I noticed the story is in the Daily Mail too. Isn't that who DK pays off? And how come NO one talks about the denial he issued? Could you ask pr wife what she thinks now?   

Anon:  MOD! Please tell us what you think. I don't understand something: Why would his PR people make him out to LOOK like a liar??? Because that is exactly what he looks like now. They have made it look like he IS sneaking around now. How is that beneficial to him?? Something is so weird with all this because the Daily Mail is all over it and she pays them. Am I the only one who is suspicious?  --mod-- I dont think your the only side eyeing it. It's just so weird   

Karyn:

Some thoughts. Sure, it all looks shady af but until I see pics of them holding hands or kissing I’m going to believe the “just friends”. Notice how she’s always shown up to where he is? Italy, France, & now Spain. He didn’t travel to Europe to see her when she was filming. She could just be one of those types of clingy women who might be sad/desperate/lonely after the end of a 10 year relationship, 40 years old, seeking something from someone - ANYONE! I think a lot of women can relate to that feeling of “I want someone to love me” after a break up and make dumb choices. Anyone who has ever been to a Con or seen Norman meet fans on the street, the guy has infinite patience so maybe he’s just being nice to a friend and she’s a little hopeful. Or maybe I’m totally wrong. Lol. Just remember, at this time there is absolutely ZERO actual proof they cheated.

   Anon:  

So the annona source on blinds said there's something interesting that went down in Barcelona with the dk stuff. Can't wait to hear what it is. Sadly he is still in his fwb with her and the other lady who we won't name out of respect even tho he wants more with her. Why Norman can you not cut off toxic people like DK? She called the paps AGAIN.  

Anon:

 Alright, the way I see it, there's only two options left: 1. They are dating and they are both hypocritical liars. Or 2. DK has gone batshit crazy and is following Norman to the ends of the earth to save her quickly falling career. Question is - IF that's the case, why the hell is he playing in on it? It only reflects badly on him

  Anon: Do people not realise how horrible it is that JDM and his wife can be papped kissing and being affectionate on the beach but NR and DK have to hide themselves and their relationship because of crazy fans?! I feel so sad for them that DK is having to walk around Barcelona undercover and that they can't be seen anywhere near each other because of fear of backlash. It's awful that some internet bullies are having a direct effect on two people's lives like that. --mod-- Those are 2 very different relationships. It's a married couple -vs- a maybe could be couple with all sorts of shady around them

.    Anon:

 I am wondering if they ever officially go public. To me the difference between a relationship versus casual fwb would be things like he did with his last girlfriend. Even though he still never publicly acknowledged his ex, look at everything he did with her: Going on vacation alone together his usual places (without hiding it). Her visiting/living with him in GA, time with his family, vacay with him and his son, set visits, etc. She's gonna want him at events w/her which he did w/CS at first. --mod-- Touché  

Anon:

 Maybe this is their way of going public? Or at least not caring if ppl see them anymore. Think about it. They were both in NYC, he'll return in a week. If they wanted to continue hiding why would she go all the way to Spain and be out in public with him? Why is she paying mags to take pics of her and write up articles? And ppl can say well that's just her but he's obviously fine with it. Putting on a hoodie and sunglasses before paps take your pic for the daily mail is not "incognito" lol --mod-- If this was a coming out it's done horribly. I mean they could've at least sent me whiskey before hand. 🤣🤣🤣      

Anon:

 well, so much for his "brand" LMAO! most def not investing a single dime in ANY of his cheating lying asses work. frankly, i was getting tired of TWD anyway. --mod-- But Negans lean back is the best... you should at least tune in just to see how far he goes back    

Anon:

 I believe Norman and Diane are secretly dating and I know as fans we shouldn't judge his personal life. But If the cheating scandal was true I can't say what he did was right. If Norman really did had a affair with Diane Kruger and did that to Joshua Jackson I feel like that was wrong to do. I still support Norman as a fan but at the same time I can't say what he did was okay. 

22 notes · View notes

atruthuniversallyoutthere · 5 years

Text

im bored so i’m gonna answer some Qs

What do you think of love?

its great and its not reserved for romance

When is the last time you went to a party?

fuck have i ever been to a party? i dont know. what kindof party do we mean because i dont think i’ve ever been to a house party, but like... idk maybe like my friends wedding was the last party type event i was at?

When is the next time you'll hit up a club?

if i ever have friends in the future who’re inclined to go clubbing? maybe white night if i can wrangle someone to go with me?

If you had to eat 1 thing for the rest of your life, what?

idk, raw salmon or maguro sushi as long as its fresh

Have you dated anyone on your top 4?

oh... this is from back when myspace existed and the answer is no

Has your number 2 on your friends ever made you cry?

bitch most likely. but fucked if i know i dont remember

How do you feel about abortions?

i dont. you do you. pro choice i guess. its kinda up to whoevers body it is and their own consciousness/moral compass.

Do you eat junk food everyday?

nope, and i try not to

How often do you drive?

not as much as i want

Where did you last drive to?

idk home from my aunts house or something

Describe your bestfriend?

an idiot i love who i can laugh with, who reads dumb fanfiction to me over skype

Who was the last person to touch you?

idk my mum? my cat?

How did you and your number 1 become friends?

i dunno bitch im not on myspace right now its 2019

How late did you stay up last night and why?

i went to bed at like 9 and fell asleep at like 11 because chronic fatigue

What's the connection between you and the last person you texted?

theyre my mother/ if we’re going by any type of text i fb msged my cousins

Do you like someone?

i like a lot of people. but not really in the way you mean. its fucked up, i develop crushes but theyre never more than that and it really annoys me, like i cant connect with people any more than that or something and i HATE IT

Have you ever been hit by the opposite sex?

my dad when i was a kid probably. i dont know, probably jokingly by others

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with an S?

yep i kiss my mum on the cheek

How's your life lately

okay, could be worse, could be better. a bit lonely

Do you know anyone that is currently locked up?

if i think hard enough i could probably think of someone. i think one of my distant cousins fathers is or was but i dont know if i ever knew him personally

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?

yep ugh such regrets

What do you think about the current gas prices?

let me go places for free

Would you sex tape with you in it for 3 million dollars?

this question makes no sense, a vital word is missing, and the answer is i have no idea honestly. like the money would be great, depends who i was selling it to and me + sex is something i’m currently really weird about and i wish i wasnt

Have you ever been so drunk that you blacked out?

yes

Do you think that you’re a good person?

majoritively. i try to be at least

Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?

yes

Are you happier single or in a relationship?

probably single, but i’m lonely, but i need to fill that with friends not neccisarily romance

Have you ever flirted with a friends crush?

i dont know, probably when i was a stupid moronic teenager?

Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?

uuuum.... i feel like it was nt too long ago but i dunno

Ever ordered from an infomercial?

i’ve wanted to, i think my mum has... maybe on my behalf when i was a kid...

Do you believe in love at first sight?

not really. attraction yes, full on love??? im not sure. I dont know because you never stop learning about people. and if you decide you love someone before getting to know them it can sometimes be harmful. I think thats the reason why i’m so cautious now. because i would do most anything for someone i love, yet i dont want to do things i DONT want to do. so i believe you can be charmed by someone and be attracted to them and enamoured or bewitched by them on first sight, but i dont think you should call that the same as love, deep love at least.

Have you ever requested a song on the radio?

i dont remember. i think i sent a message online or something but id if they played it lmfao

Do you hate the last girl you were talking to?

um, no. i wouldnt really bother talking to someone i hate

When is the last time you took a nap?

yesterday

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

lmao it was my mum. again

To text you?

my mum lmao

To send you a myspace message?

myspace is a million years old. i think it was my cousin if we talk facebook

To send a friend request?

me or them??? idk i think it was some random friend of a friend from america (kateera i’m looking at you, why are all these random friends of yours adding me this is the 2nd dude in like a month lmfao)

Whose bed did you sleep in last night?

miineeee????

Have you kissed anyone in the last week?

my mum on the cheek probs, maybe other various members of my family on the cheek maybe MY CAT

Do you miss anyone?

yep! lotsa people!

What does your 8th text message say and who was it from?

“haven’t heard” from my mum

What are you listening to?

the fan and my dad watching stargate atlantis

Is there one place you'd like to visit?

they are many bih

Have you held hands with anyone today?

naqh

Do you like winter time?

nooooooooooooooot really

Do you own uggs?

ew no

Do you regret anything?

yep

What are you excited about?

jegnerg idk ufjwoiefkl the prospect of life

Plans for today?

i should be doing more uni work hahaha

Seven days from now will you be in a relationship?

doubt it?

What are you doing tomorrow?

not sure

How many different people of the opposite sex have you cried over?

probably like a handful

Where is your number one person on your friends list?

bih im not on myspace

Do you want to dance?

with sooooomebody whoooo looooovessssssssss meeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEE!?

Who do you not get along with?

i get along with everyone until they are radically annoying

Last movie you watched?

was it deadpool 2? im not sure

What are your plans for the weekend?

it is the weekend

What do you notice first about a guy?

oh look a person

Something interesting happen lately?

i ate watermelon

Where is the person you like right now?

up ya butt

Last time you took a shower?

had a bath 3 hours ago

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?

sleepin

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?

filling this shite out

When was the last time you talked to your most recent ex?

when we broke up and he ghosted me

Have you ever been around someone who was high?

yes

Do you like where you live?

the town, sure, the house, no

Last thing you purchased?

...pants

Have you kissed your number one on your top?

have you

Where are you right now, and how do you feel about where you are?

at my parents house doing uni work, i wish i was out in the sun, like a at beach with friends or something

Explain why you last threw up?

i was brushing my teeth and my gag reflex is turning to shit

Where did your last hug take place?

in my driveway a few nights ago or maybe it was at my friends house or down the street

Who was the last person to hold your hand?

my nephew, harvey (:

Are you a jealous person?

probably

Did you have a good birthday this year?

yup

Are you tired right now?

not tired, but sore

What are your outlooks on gay/bisexual relationships?

where s mine

Do you chew on your straws?

sometimes

Who was the last person you rode in the car with that was under 21?

harvey and gemma

Three days from now will you be in a relationship?

nope

Do you have curly hair?

wavvy, but straightish

Who was at your house last?

support worker

Do you lead people on?

not intentionaly

Is there anyone who doesn't like you because of something you didn't do?

yep probably

Have you kissed anyone today?

Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?

yes lmfao

Last person you cried over?

probably myself

Do you cry easily?

i guess

Do you have any brothers?

What do you think of them?

none

Where did you go today?

my parents house

What should you be doing right now?

uni work or something productive/self care-y

Are you a heavy sleeper?

yes

When was the last time you hand washed the dishes?

every time i do dishes

Name everyone that made you smile today?

my cousins, my cat

Who was the last person to put their arm around you?

my mum??? i dont remember

Three feelings at the moment?

ouch my back, content, wanderlust

What are you listening to right now?

didnt i already answer this?

The highlight of your week?

bubble cup in melbourne

Who were the last people you ate with?

my family

What really makes you mad?

heaps of thins

Ever had a drunken night in Mexico?

What are your plans for tonight?

shut up

What does the seventeenth text message in your inbox say?

“True!!!”

What's the last piercing you got?

right conch

Ever toilet papered someone’s house?

Do you want to be married right now?

not really? i dont know. theres nobody i would like to be married to right now

What were you doing at 4am this morning?

sleeping

What do you usually do first in the morning?

take my meds and feed my cat

Do you have college plans?

i am studing graphic desing right now

Are you mad at anyone right now?

yes, this quiz

How many different beverages have you had today?

coffeee and green tea

What did you do today?

had a bath

What is your favorite flavor of jelly?

blue?

Do you want children?

What were you doing at 7pm yesterday?

watching something on tv

You're in the hospital, who on your TOP friends would come to visit you?

my family memebers

If alcohol were banned, what would your reaction be?

that sucks

Do people underestimate you?

Are you named after a grandparent?

middle name, kinda

What's something you're scared of?

deAth And The VOId

Name some of the people you love?

mich, linky, vinny, harvey, gemma, kateera, mikayla and more

What's your favorite color?

the gradient between aqua and hot pink because im an edgelord

Ever been kissed under fireworks?

not that i can recall

Do you wish someone would call you?

maybe idk

Is there someone you wanna date right now?

not really idk

Are you usually the heart breaker or the heart broken?

both lmao>>????/

Is there a meaning behind your profile song?

ya mum ba dum tis

Do you have a best friend?

not really

Do you belive that what comes around goes around?

sometimes

Who was the last person you were mad at?

quiz for being a repetitive piece of crap

What is the last song to make you cry?

dont rememeber

Is your best friend pretty?

yep

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?

constantly

What do you miss?

this is a loaded question

Do you give out second chances too easily?

probably

Ever felt that no one relates to you?

sometimes

Had plans and broke them?

yup

When was the last time you saw your grandparents?

theyve all passed away

Who are you jealous of?

yo mumma

#op

0 notes

radioastronot · 6 years

Text

Killing Joke From Clowns

CLOWNS SIDOARJO SHOW 7th FEBRUARY 2012

oleh: Akhmad Alfan Rahadi

at DOLOMITY CAFE SIDOARJO FEBRUARY THE 7th 2011

Beberapa minggu yang lalu tepatnya Desember (sudah tahun lalu ya? hehehe) saya mendapati invitation dari teman saya di Sidoarjo untuk menonton sebuah band dari Australia bernama Clowns berikut link videonya. Beberapa saat sebelumnya saya memang juga berencana ingin menonton band dari Australia juga bernama Night Hag namun karena saya berhalangan saya pun melewatkannya dengan sesal dan berharap ada band sebagus mereka datang lagi ke sekitaran Jawa Timur (supaya ringan di ongkos transport).

Kemudian saya coba telusuri dan tonton video mereka yang berjudul “Repeat After Me”.Tak ada bayangan dan ekspektasi lebih sesaat sebelum membukanya. Namun yang saya temukan ternyata mencengangkan, Clownsmerupakan band yang bengal!. Keras dan Fun! It's not being poppy but it's anthemic!. Cocok bagi penggemar GG Allin, The Bronx dan Black Flag (mereka sempat mengcover lagu "Wasted" dari Black Flag malam itu dan di live cassete album spesial edisi tur SEA ini).

Akhirnya berangkat lah saya menembus hujan lebat dan bensin yang menipis di Selasa 7 februari itu. Sempat tersesat karena pertama kalinya saya ke Sidoarjo sendirian dengan motor. Mereka ke Sidoarjo dalam rangka menjalani rangkaian tur Asia tenggara meliputi Singapura, Malaysia dan Indonesia selama Februari ini. Saya berhasil mendapat ijin dan kesempatan wawancara ini di akhir performance mereka setelah sempat mengajak kenalan Tristan dan James di saat sebelum show dan dikenalkan lagi oleh Anca The Shantoso kepada Jake dan Steve. Namun di kesempatan itu yang mampu saya temui hanya James dan Tristan yaitu bassis dan gitaris Clowns karena yang lain kelelahan dan perlu istirahat.

guide: A: Alfan, J: James , T: Tristan

A: how did you guys meet each other?

T: we met at school, we met our guitarists, drummer and singer at school, at university, and we met our bassists through a circle of friends, sort of friends of friends.

A: Like you guys met at the same scene at the local gigs?

J & T: yeah yeah, pretty much

A: So until now, how many recordings that you have released?

J: Umm, We did an EP in 2010, Clowns EP 2010, then on 2011 we did a split 7" with Them Orphans from Perth, and now we're gonna do another 7" when we get back to Australia and also we've done a live album, recorded on rehearsal for this South East Asia tour.

A: How did you guys came up with the idea of touring South East Asia?

J: Well we came up with the idea when our friend from our fellow Australian band like Straight Jacket Nation, cameback from south east asia tour, then we met Cher from Singapore online and then she lead us to these people we met so far, these people we can contact and organize us a tour.

A: Your most favorite Australian band

J: Hard Ons T: probably Carnival

A: And when you got here, have you also had particular band that you like?

J: In South East Asia? Yeah, yeah lots of good band, The Shantoso we love it soo much, and then Sleeping Police, and in Malaysia we saw Boulevard, and then some bands we watched in Singapore.

A: When you got this tour idea, have you ever imagined where you're gonna be landed and headed?

J: No, We knew Indonesia, We knew Malaysia, and We knew Singapore as well. Then we met Cher, and She told us where to go, where to play, the guys we should meet and hangout with, who to talk to. and she mentioned about Borneo or something of it, and we're gonna play there by the end of this tour.

A: Hmm in terms of CLOWNS, I saw that your vocalist Stevie, wore a t-shirt with a picture of Jack Nicholson's Joker on it. So who do you think is the best JOKER? Jack Nicholson or Heath Ledger?

J: Jack Nicholson probably, he's pretty bad ass, but yeah Heath Ledger who played the recent Joker is an australian guy, alright he's dead now hahaha T: Favorite Joker for me is probably some comic book dude, not a real actor..

A: How about from the animated series?

No no, also not animated, comic book, comic book

A: Favorite food in here?

J: So far? squid

T: Cumi, cumi goreng dan nasi goreng

J: Yeah, nasi goreng

A: Aaah yes hahah it's obvious , nasi goreng it's all time favorite

J: Yeaa... hahaha is good

T: Cumi goreng is suprisingly good, it's really tasty

J: Sounds a bit weird but it's really nice yeah hahaha

J: But we didn't like even the durian, heheehe...

T: Not. Not too happy with the durian

A: So How do you come up with the theme on the 7"?

T: Depends on the single, so The 7" is the new single, the "Arst One is Repeat After Me", then "Eat A Gun", so the artwork depends on the single name and kind of that's how we themed it.

J: Well I did the artwork myself. It's like trying to get as much as crazy stuff into the picture, before it gets out of control

A: So did you do it when you were sober or drunk?

J: Well a bit both, hahaha.... Well i'm not really mess around with photoshop, or expensive gadget. I did it like with just a pencil, and sharpen the texture and an eraser

T: Keeping it old school

A: Beside doing band stuffs, what do you guys do?

J: Yea we're all going to school, university , we all study, we also have a job as well, like me driving a box car sending things around, Tristan work at a doughnut shop, Steve And Jake works in a call center and, apart from that...

T: Whatever makes ends, make money, pay bills

J: Well outside study, we go to shows in melbourne, play Arecracker, hanging out..

A: So how do you guys, adjust with that? between music and daily routine?

J: We play gigs, None of us work in the weekends, so we have works and school

T: Yea and on Saturday we got to see a big gig night in melbourne always

A: whooa does the gig done routinely?

T: Sometimes thursday, wednesday, but yea mostly saturday

J: We play with someone on thursday spare gigs, commonly friday and saturday night. We have school, we school and work at the daytime during the week, afterwork or school we practice and play gigs on the weekends

A: You see, when I'm doing these scene things, me and my friends make gigs on university. Do you guys also organize a show on university or are there authorities which make it harder?

J: Yea a little bit

T: I used to go to Melbourne University, every thursday they had decent band playing. J: Popular band

T: Yea it was like popular bands not playing like King GIzzard and The Lizard Wizard, Barbarian, etc, like big in Melbourne-band.

A: I thought you can play your friends in university gigs..

J: Mostly the gig in the Melbourne not done in university, they're on pub, club and house house shows. not very often..

A: So do you guys have any plans on the near future?

J: Aa.. just keep doing what we're doing, play as many shows as we can , record very soon

T: Singles, 7 inches

J: Singles on 7 inches, doing album when we have enough money. After we do the 7 inch we'll do an album, doing more tour, meet more friends.

A: I was wondering, when we in Indonesia usually rehearse by renting a rehearsal studio, do you guys do the same there in Australia?

T: Yea, you know we rent a rehearsal space, its a big room, soundproof, bring a lot of stuff drumkits all that, and we play usually from 6 o clock til midnight.

J: We don't play that long but yea thats how long we got the session

A: Whooa that soo long for us 6 o'clock til midnight...

T: It is a long time, yea we usually we got there at 7 or 8 and finish at 10

A: Is it like an empty space?

J: It's a big building full of lotsa room, it's like a big factory and got lots of big room

A: And you guys bring your own equipment

T: We can hire stuff between each

J: Plus there's lots of band in there play at one time in different rooms

T: All sound proof, and

J: It works well

T: Thats how usually in Melbourne, but there are few places like that with a bunch a rooms and we hire a single room for a couple of hours , and bring in all of your stuff, play for as long as you want and no one will give a shit

A: Hahaha i envy you. other than doing shows do you guys also organize shows?

J: We also organize shows, with our friends and our friends band and if a band wants to come to Melbourne we can help em organize a show for them

A: Is it collective or you guys also search for a sponsor?

J: Yea, collectively, get a good show and having fun

A: And for the equipment you bring yourself?

J: If it is in Australia we bring our own amps, and guitar and simple drumkits

A: Whoa.. thats a bit different in here..we rent from studio and bring it to venue

J: Yeah, everyone seems have their own stuff

A: Thats real pro and DIY

J: Yeaa

T: Hahaha yeaa

A: So any plans for next year's tour?

J: There are few places in our mind, we just think like kinda go like, if anyone or we meet anyone who tell us to go to particular area or wanna make a tour with us, we should go there

T: I do want to get to UK, Europe, that'd be freakin awesome , but it would be expensive though

J: We definitely go somewhere but we just don't know where yet

T: Maybe Asia again, might be good

A: Through years of your career, have you guys faced criticsm and how do you deal with it? It forms of internet review and stuffs?

T: A little bit, every, you know cause there's always someone out there gonna say "ohh this is bad this is good" but doesn't really bother us too much

J: Here's the thing, you got one little thing, one little thing on the internet, but when you play show and theres a hundred people who's gonna its awesome

A: So you just play.. play.. play...

J: Yea yea like that

T: Yea right and like there's always gonna be people out there who hate whatever you do, and the same time there's people who love what you do. So just do what you do, and hope the people would love it, listen to it and get into it

J: I like what I do, so it doesn't matter

A: last message for people here?

J: You have an awesome scene, and your bands are really good, and you people are really friendly. and we hope, we hope you dont change...

T: Yeah dont change at all, keep it real, keep it rockin, keep rocking

A: And thats a wrapp!! thanks!

J: Thank you very much

T: terima kasih banyaaak

...

James dan Tristan kemudian berpamitan untuk istirahat karena besok melanjutkan perjalanan tur ke Kudus. Saya menyempatkan ngobrol sebentar dengan Anca tentang scene underground di Surabaya dan Sidoarjo. Setelah itu saya pulang karena besok ada ujian yang ternyata tidak jadi. A killing joke it is.....

Namun hari rabu itu tak mengecewakan juga karena saya dapat album live Clowns dengan cuma cuma pemberian teman saya Kuro yang bingung bakal diputar dimana kaset itu.

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kiwiquii · 7 years

Text

You are 15. You have just started grade 11 at school. You have a good group of friends, 20 or so people that you genuinely enjoy being around. You have a boyfriend and the relationship is going well.

Its march, near the end of the first term. You notice some people in the group are not really getting along, and for some reason, 15 of the people get up and walk out of the group. They refuse to rejoin the two.

The 5 left includes you and your boyfriends friends.

A couple of weeks later, one of your friends tries to go to the group of 15 to talk to his girlfriend. He gets literally shoved out.

You send a private message to the 'leader' of the group asking her why she split the two. She tells you x was flirting with her ex and she didnt like that.

She tells you that you are a nosy bitch for questioning her. Half an hour later, you get 5 other people sending you messages

"You are a piece of shit"

"You dont deserve to have friends"

"I have hated you for years"

To this day you agree with all of these.

Its June. Your boyfriend hits rock bottom, runs away from home and drops out of school. You tell him to go back to school at least, he is a very intelligent person.

He tells you you are being a bitch for refusing to support him.

You then realise that everything that had happened in the relationship wasnt normal. He liked to physically abuse you. He often said something like "if you refuse to kiss me right now i will kill myself". He often got upset if you wanted to talk to your friends one day.

So you break up with him. You tell him that you have realised these things arent right. He tells you that you dont deserve to be loved and you have no hope of getting a lasting relationship. You agree.

It gets to September. At this point you start to question whether its worth going on. Something happens, and before you realise what you have done, you have gouged out part of your wrist.

You realise there is something really wrong with you, so the next day you go to the school councellor. She tells your parents and you start on therapy. You think it is a waste of time.

You can't last a month without making a new scar on yourself. It gets to november and the group merges back together. You cant join them, even seeing the people who attacked you sends you into panic.

You catch the bus home from school every day. And every day, you have a panic attack because the noise and claustrophobia is too much. Music is the only thing that can help it.

Your grades are failing. You used to be a good student, not the best but rarely getting less than a B. Now you are failing every subject.

You start grade 12. At this point you have 3 people you can count on. One is a girl you met online that you talk to every day, but she lives in america. Another is a girl you have been best friends with since grade 8. The last is a guy who for some reason still puts up with you.

Your best friend is popular. She still talks to everyone in the old group and she has ofher friends. You see her once every second day for the shorter break.

The guy is busy too. You dont see him that much.

For a while, you had a group of friends on an online forum. After a few months they realised you werent worth anything and you get banned. This happens with another forum as well.

Your mother is a very social person. You go to parties every other week with your parents. You try to tell them how uncomfortable they make you, but they refuse to listen.

One of the last things you enjoy is fishing. Sometimes, the parties your parents hold are at the beach, so you try to get as far away from the party as possible to escape in the waves. Each time, you consider just swimming out to keep going until you drown. Each time, you stop yourself because you forgot to say goodbye.

It gets to grade 12, you are 4 weeks in. Since the group joined back together, you have been sitting in an out of bounds area where no one can find you. Teachers tell you that you are lucky to not get suspended. You tell them you couldnt care less

It is the first time you ride your bike to school. It happens to be the class with an air con first so you are relieved. At 9:05 the school gets a bomb scare. You are made to sit on the field. You are messaging your dad and listening to music because you are terrified. A teacher tries to take your phone. You tell them to piss off. They make you sit in the sun away from the rest of the students. You keep messaging your dad. The teachers tell you if you dont hand over your phone they will suspend you. You tell them go ahead. At one point a teacher grabs you to try and get it.

Your parents find out about everything that happened, and they take it to the principal threatening to charge for assault. They are told that if they followed through, you would be an outcast to all teachers. Because what is the word of one mentally ill girl against professionals?

A few days later, the guy you were friends with approaches you. He tells you that he wants nothing to do with you until you fix your depression. You walk out of the school, start walking home, and suddenly get an uncontrollable urge to jump infront of a truck.

You force yourself to the ground, and message your american friend. They tell you that you are being an idiot and they would punch you if they were there.

You call your parents, who come immediately to pick you up from the side of the road. You talk to the suicide hotline about everything that has happened. You go to the hospital and repeat yourself to 3 more seporate people. You are pronounced minor risk and sent home

You dont go back to that school. You dont get accepted into a new school until 3 months later. In your time off, you start running and riding every day. You find a dog park with some nice people.

Your mental health is getting better. You go into your new school and complete all of term 1 and term 2 in the single term. You fail most of your first exams. Your teacher for your strongest subject tells you there is no way you can be an A student. Your OP prediction comes back as 17.

But you keep going. You go to the city every day to do your school work. Your grades get better. You feel better about yourself. By the end of the year, you are a straight A student. You get 2 awards. You get your OP back as 9. You get accepted into university early.

But you have to pay tuition upfront, so you defer 12 months. You start looking for a job. You print off 300 resumes. Over the next few months you use all of them. You walk in to every shop in a 11km radius of your house. You get a job at Subway.

This is your first time working, so you are slow. Your manager makes sure you know this. Every shift he tells you how much of an idiot you are. You give full availability and you are lucky to get more than 10 hours a week.

So you start looking for a job again. You get something for permanent part time, 25 hours per week. So you leave subway, and of course your boss literally begs you to stay.

After 2 weeks in your second job, which has standards higher than anywhere else you have been, you get fired for being too slow.

So you look for jobs again. You get one in a seafood place. It makes you always stink but the work is decent. Easter happens, it is so busy you get a panic attack and have to take a half when you would usually only take 15.

After easter, your boss tells you he doesnt need you anymore, and you are lucky to get one shift per week.

So you look again. An employer tells you to do a cert iii in food processing so you do. You never hear back from the employer.

You get a job at a pie shop. It is very close to home. You get 3 shifts a week, 3 hours each.

So you look again. You get a job in a cafe so you leave the pie shop.

The cafe job is good. You get 20+ hours a week and its reasonable work.

After a couple of months, you realise there is a new law coming in which makes uni fees 3x as much, so you get enrolled right away. There is a maths subject you want to get into but you have to take an entrance exam for it, which doesnt come up until nearly too late. You constantly make phone calls to the uni and they tell you that you probably arent good enough anyway. You end up acing the test.

You pay your tuition out of pocket and buy a 2300$ laptop. You are proud to get this far.

You start uni and it isnt what you expected. You love your maths and physics but your 2 engineering classes are a waste of time. You start worrying that you wasted your money.

You are either working or at uni 7 days a week most weeks. You start to feel overworked and tired.

You join a server for lgbt people, having questioned yours for a while. After a month you have a friend, a 32 year old guy who also loves fishing and your type of music. He makes you a moderator in the 5000 people server, and the owner just says "whatever you are cool". You end up contributing more than 80% of the other mods.

Your 18th birthday comes around. You go out on a boat fishing with your parents and a couple of friends, but they force you to invite their friends as well. The boat is overcrowded, cold, and the fishing is bad.

There is a girl in the server you really like, so you ask her out. She is thousands of miles away but you were sure you could make it work.

But your mental state has been declining again, and it is everything you can do to keep on top of it. You put off going back to therapy because you dont have time.

Your university studies have been getting more stressful as well, you have massive assignments to do in very little time. You are a perfectionist, and when you get a mark back of 74% you are gutted.

But you keep going. It gets closer to when your final assignments are due when your girlfriend says she is depressed because of something and has to be away for a while. You are worried for her and hate that you cant help.

Your other friend from the server hates her. Ever since you asked her out he would tell you that you are too pretty to be with her. While she is away you are talking to him and he tells you he wants to ban her. You tell him no and you go to warn her.

She has hated him the whole time too. But she gets really upset at what he said. You get into a fight about it and she breaks up with you.

She does it nicely, but you tell yourself its because you are not good enough for her. Your friend finds out and immediately starts hitting on you, so you tell him he is an asshole.

You see her seemingly fine the next day but you havent felt worse since you left your old school. You had stopped yourself from self harming for nearly 2 years, but you have now done it 3 times in 2 weeks.

Your mother calls you a bitch. Your boss tells you to harden up. You are back where you started, a loser with no friends and a bottomless pit of assignments.

Maybe it will get better when you finish university. But you cant keep going on like this for another 4 years.

At this point, you get social anxiety bad enough it stops you getting any new friends. You havent trusted a person in years. You probably never will again.

But all through it you keep going. You try to get over all of it. But it is a lot.

#depression cw #self harm cw #long post #my life

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