strawberryspeachy

[strawberryspeachy]

The students at my school are sweet.

The teachers are nice (for the most part)

But the idea of having to stay at this school makes me nauseous and miserable

I have few classes and no student responsibilities.

THEY PAY ME LESS THAN EVERYONE

They took away all the teacher days off including fucking summer and I only have 10 days PTO

A Japanese teacher on her 3rd year has over 33 PTO

but even the highest paid and best contract native teacher only has 20 in his 5th year

They put me in the worst spot of the room with the worst locker at a dirty broken desk. The floor was broken till i made a big scene

They watch me constantly and they’re cheap with everything.

Oh and the commute sucks - the bus is slow and either full of ancient people or small grubby children - both of which make the bus late

I want this job I’m interviewing for tomorrow so bad!!!! I feel bad because the students think I am their teacher and are excited… and the teachers are actually nice and want me to teach…

If only the institution valued me as much as them. For my own sanity I can’t. I need a life outside of work.

I asked for the summer off

I asked for more pay

I asked for bonuses

I asked for more classes

They shut down every request. I tried.

But I do feel bad every time someone tells me they’re excited to work with me - i hate letting people down. And in every other case i always follow through with what I say I will do. But the only reason my chest stopped hurting and i stopped feeling queasy and punching my bed and twitching and wanting to scream - is the prospect of this 18 class job - all advanced. I REALLYYYY hope it goes well. Please please

[strawberryspeachy]

Whats that psychology theory that says you’ll become what people expect you to be? Bc im deff a walking proof

Up until recently I didnt have much contempt or targeted hatred or malicious thoughts about people.

If someone was in my line or vision or actively affecting my life then I’d form an opinion of then based off whatever experience I was having with them then once theyre gone or stopped affecting me - I didn’t think about then (except the ones that traumatized me)

But people have literally ALWAYS read bad intention/thoughts in my behavior/stare.

Ill literally be sitting there listening to someone talk- imagining the story theyre saying. Or sitting quietly zoning out and thinking about food or some shit

And people always come up to me or call me out saying I hate something or im angry about something or make up some weird scenario im thinking about which was always on the negative side. And theyd never believe me when i said that wasn’t true

But now. From being treated so badly. People think i deserved the bad treatment because im just so horrible. Well now i do HATE people. And not in a general sense. In yea now the things ppl would guess im thinking im thinking.

Someone telling a really stupid story. Before i used to not put an opinion to their story till probably after the convo was completely over. Id just be thinking about what they were saying

Now yea while i continue the convo i rlly am thinking - youre really fucking stupid or omg stfu idc or youre an entitled bastard and i hope youre telling this story because it ends badly

And sometimes i do just watch people and judge them now

[strawberryspeachy]

Looking for something in my messages and ended up reading text exchanges

While usually id just be like - ee i sound cringy

Its been years and recently i can even feel that all the energy and crazy i used to have that was amusing is gone

I sounded young. I don’t talk like that anymore… also i talk so much more formally now…

Also also sometimes im like. Sigh i miss hanging out and talking so much to my one friend- but just went back through our texts and the bottom is her unprovoked calling me ugly and them dancing around it with a bunch of not funny jokes. Like oh right there. Thats why when ppl ask if shes a good friend i cant say yes. scrolling up was a lot of touch and go plans/convos

Yea…

I’m so lonely most of the time but then sometimes I’m like

Theres a reason I don’t hang around most people

Also saw a convo with a dude that was rlly rude to me and so extremely not my type which reconfirmed to me how low my standards used to be

[strawberryspeachy]

Im not allowed to be in peace. Ever. Every time i make the decision to enjoy a break I have and not worry about things ANOTHER DISASTER HAPPENS and then i CANT ignore it because I’m in the middle of it

My heart always hurts

My bodys always weak

Im always so fucking stressed

And im TIRED of being a punching bag and i cant fucking do anything about it

Im treated so bad in japan. I hate this stupid racist fucking country. But my money is basically half its worth back home because of the fucking economy. And it WASNT WHEN I CAME HERE

i planned to come. Take a year and a half or so break. vacation and go to concerts. Then go home. But no i got here. Then corona blocked me into the fucking country that had nothing to do

Then my mom died

That my gpa sold the house leaving me with no where to go

And ive been fucking stuck since debating between staying here FIGHTING to do a job I actually like against a bunch of entitled white fuckheads who hate the job and suck at it. While being treated badly and paid nothing

Now the price of japan has risen over the salary that 3 years ago was the salary that I could have lived comfortably.

Lied to and used and thrown out of my last school. Cant get a better job. Thought I found a decent one only to find its WORSE THAN THE FUCKING DISPATCH COMPANIES IVE WORKED WITH. HOW DO I KEEP FINDING WORSE AND WORSE COMPANIES?!?!

My mother got arrested and is being charged with shit that could keep her in jail forever. Shes crazy and annoying but she pisses me off mostly because shes the only family i have that gives a fuck about me

And i cant even just do my job and ignore shit like ive been doing because this new shitty school gave me like no fucking classes but wants me to desk warm ALL THE TIME

Meaning they want me there doing other peoples fucking jobs and being a fucking servant - im here to TEACH not be an office worker. AND THEYRE PAYING ME LESS THAN EVERYONE

I want to die so so so bad i hate being alive ive never wanted to be why cant i just fucking die

[strawberryspeachy]

I haven’t written much about this year.

The students are unmotivated and rude jerks. Whatever theyre teenagers and i tried to teach them. I wrote about some days that felt like wins but then theyd immediately revert back the next class

Here i am sitting here. Looking up why do my students hate me after i told them i have to leave and the vast majority are happy. The rest are apathetic with only a handful actually sad that I’m leaving

But at the past 8 schools ive worked my the vast majority of students love me

None of the reasons online fit me. And all ive thought all year is that they hate that i make them use their brains

So many kids in my classes as a student hated our teachers for the same reason. I knew it as a student and it annoyed me. Wed have a perfectly good and kind teacher but all the dicks in my classes would push and test them to see if they could break them. I always wanted them to just stop so I could pay attention. They wanted the teachers that sat back and let them goof off all class and no do anything. Then we take a test were not prepared for because we weren’t taught anything

I know im being the kind of teacher I LIKED as a student. And that its worked for me in the past. But it still feels pretty shitty

Of my first years who i thought all liked me. Most rlly didnt care that im leaving. I use the lessons that were already there. I make it lively. I add fun things. But i also make them use their brains… theyre doing phonics but i add critical thought questions because my older students cant do it and i want to start them early. They can do it. Ive gotten them thinking about what theyre reading and they can all answer well. But… seems most of them dont like me

I thought i finally won over my homeroom class. I never see them. I barely have any classes with them and i never got to do the homeroom duties i signed up to do. I stay around but most dont talk to me. And i gave them material to prep them to begin studying for college next school year. It was hard. All i wanted was tor them to try. And they seemed to finally understand that in the past month.

I really dont like the one girl. Shes new to the class this year and shes spend the entire year trying to distract the class when i talk or instigating bad behavior. I took her aside once in the beginning of the year and calmly told her to knock it off - and she listened better after that but she still does it. And honestly it ruins the class atmosphere. Shes always bad mouthing me under her breathe. Rolling her eyes. Smirking at the other students when i talk. Or just outright talkijt over me when im trying to explain things. And unfortunately shes popular in the class so its super disruptive. She has western family so her and another boy get mad that thry cant be effortlessly flawless in my class

Getting back to the they dont like me because i make them use their brains. The other students think those two are advanced and if they say something is too hard then it is. But they can do all of the work i give them. It doesnt take a long time for them to figure it out but it they DO need to use their brains.

Anyway bunch of them kept talking about how they were gonna improve next year and stuff so dumb me. I thought when i told them id be leaving theyd be a little disappointed but no. Apathy and immediately they started talking about the woman im subbing for who they barely know bc they only saw her for a couple months before she went on maternity leave and even then she called in sick all the time

All she did was have them do presentations while she sat around doing nothing because she didjt like them or teaching. Just like the other two bitch girls in the school. Then shes sit and zone out while they talked and say “good job”

I correct their work and give them feedback. I give them information and examples. I teach them new things. I sit down wnd help them figure it everything out and im happy to walk them through it

I just. It annoys me so much as both a teacher and a past student. I hated teachers who didnt help me improve. If i felt like i was doing busy work that they didn’t check i felt it was pointless and they were unnecessary in the classroom. I work so hard and i ensure im teaching my kids somethinggg

In the beginning of the year. My first class. I asked them to tell me what happened in Harry Potter. And they struggled. They couldnt explain much more than harry beat volemort and they couldn’t even tell me how. I had to hand hold them through the story even though they watched it and liked it and knew it.

I had them write a story as a class and they made a bizzare story about a character that did nothing and felt nothing.

Now they could walk me step by step through harry potter and tell me why everything happened and what the cause and effects of everything was as well as the characters motivations and relate it back to their personal lives and connect the story to the real world. They’ve written real stories about characters who feel and have goals and give them and entire story arch by themselves

They can write a simple thesis paper. They can create their own unique opinions and support them with strong and diverse examples

But yet

They’re excited at the prospect of someone who sits at their desk wkd does nothing all class coming back

I dont get mad at students

Im not strict

I do what i say ill do

I listen to their opinions

I talk them as young adults and take interest in their hobbies

I support their other school acitivies

I make fun activities for them and give them treats on special occasions

I know what the fuck im talking about and they have done all the work i ask them to do so im definitely teaching them how to do it

Im available but i also dont push myself in their conversations or activities like a weirdo - i let them come to me

And you know what its gotten me. They stole the expensive light i brought to make the dance party that i put together. They stole it. They lied about it. And they only gave it back when the male teachers threatened them about it.

If i didnt feel so dead. If everything else in my life wasnt already so heavy and mortifying. Id cry

The girl who hates teacher. Hates the kids. Doesnt do anything but take credit. Sits around like that other girl. Shes gonna be their teacher. Shell get all the credit for getting them into good schools. And theyll like her better because she doesn’t make them use their brain. And just plays basketball all class and flirts with the CHILD boys.

[strawberryspeachy]

No one cares about anything i have to say.

I wanna tell my mom about my life. She always cared.

I want my mom

[strawberryspeachy]

If only my mom could have stayed healthy and alive. Imagine her using the computer and sending me random videos :( i want that so bad

[strawberryspeachy]

my mum forbade me to say anything to my dad about the top surgery thing, and it's just hit me how funny it would be if i got it done and didn't tell him and just waited for him to notice. i mean, what's he gonna say? "didn't you used to have tits?"

[strawberryspeachy]

Noone likes me but everyone wants to be up my ass

Everything i do the second i look at it everyone wants whatever im looking at

Im at this club with free food. No one eats past the first few hours. Ive been standing nearby for an hour an no one touched it

Then i go get a plate and start to serve myself-immediately a table of girls also nearby run over to look at the food and start shoving me

I literally wanted to be able to turn invisible in college just so i could sit in a public place without everyone watching every move i make

If ppl wanted to be my friend and date me then itd be a compliment but noone fucking liles me so why are they always watching and copying me

[strawberryspeachy]

I cant even wake up in time to go out for a fucking hour

Whatever curse is on me keeps getting worse. I’m so fucking exhausted all the time and every time i get excited for something its taken away or ruined

Its bad enough i dont have anyone and that i cant wake up or stay up for the prime time of going out

Which is why i moved to an area where most of my salary is spent on fucking existing here

But now i cant even wake up for one damn fucking hour of going out

But i wake up fully awake in time to see the clubs are JUST about to close and waste my fucking life away

I hate being me. I want to be dead so fucking bad.

Tell me why. When i put in so much effort and thought and try so hard to make my classes good.

Apparently junior high in private school suck. They know they dont need to do anything to pass right through the system so theyre little fucking dicks about everything

I guess the annoying high school kids at my last school were the ones that were passed on through middle school

And now middle school is the only job i can get for next year. I hate private school junior high

I loved them in public school. But my god. Dealing with kids who refuse to do the bare minimum and even pushing them to try results in them throwing a tantrum bc they always get their way (sitting around doing absolutely nothing while complaining about having to do something they signed up to fucking do)

Ive read this is what american schools have turned into and yeah. Its fucking exhausting. what’s the fucking point. You cant teach anyone

Youre not allowed to just ignore those shit kids - even if you try they disrupt the class. So you cant teach the ones who WANT to learn because you have to teach to the dumbest kid in the class and no matter how low you go they go lower.

What’s the fucking point

Today in the advanced english class which the kids in the class CHOSE to be in - a girl i literally complemented so much last class because she did so well - and to other teachers commented how shes come so far from being super shy and on the verge of tears/crying at the beginning of the year - back to crying today

Crying because i asked her to speak english in the advanced english class that she chose to do saying she thinks ill be mad at her if she makes a mistake WHEN I NEVER GET ANGRY AT STUDENTS. LITERALLY NEVER. Meanwhile her homeroom teachers literally screams at them and guilt trips them all the time. But he’s a man. Even to the kids apparently theyre fine with being screamed at by men. But let me - a woman - tell them to do their work and its a fucking problem

Its so fucking stupid because it sounds like im leaving out half the story. Or that ive spun it to sound better. Or that anything. Like this isn’t the full story. But it fucking is and this kind of shit has me exhausted. I see why teachers are leaving in droves. From reading about the conditions i already understood but my god is it so fucking exhausting.

The class i see 3 times a week. Theyve been a pain in the ass since day one. My other classes teachers always try to steal - not this one. No one likes them. Its like pulling teeth to get them to do shit

Theyve been getting better. Theyve been really good recently. I felt like i finally got them somewhere. They were doing so well. But no. They didn’t improve. Its like a rollarcoaster. I go from the quietest worst at english boys volunteering to go to the front and do an improv skit in english and the whole class actively engaging and having fun

To the next class they act like they cant understand a single word i say. They wont speak and act like theyre being tortured by a simple actively

I dont have the fucking energy. I fully understand those days that my teachers would tell us “if you dont want to try then im not going to either. Just there in silence till the bell rings” as “one of the kids who are trying so im sorry to you but your classmates ruined it for you” having been that kid. I got it then but i really fucking get it now.

Like do you think i enjoy nagging you. Is it really the fun trying to explain something to a kid staring at their friend fully understanding what theyre supposed to do and being entirely capable of it but deciding its more fun to make fun of the teacher in front of their face while pretending you cant understand

And i just have to pretend you really cant understand and keep trying.

Like im not their only english teacher. They have other english classes. Theyve been taught how to read. Theyve learned grammar up to “if you could fly what would you do” “i would…” they fan make sentences and understand at the level of a preschooler. And telling them to talk about a topic that they like - i know they can have conversations in english. Theyve done it many times. Tell them to do it and use their new grammar- cause thats my class - using the fucking shit they’ve learned beyond textbook shit

No all of the third years this week refusing to say anything more than “nice” “yea” “oh really” “i like” “oh mhm”

I’ve always thought school needed reformed. There was no reason that i should have been so stressed out all the time over school. I still believe that. But i know the world deciding to make school a fucking joke where no kid fails. You cant make them do anything. You cant punish them. Its not to make the learning environment better. Its to make a bunch of fucking idiot adults who cant critically think, dont have any working knowledge of the world, have no desire to learn and dont know how to teach themselves, and think that theres no repercussions for their actions so that when someone is unfairly targeted theyll just think “man they must have done something think REALLY bad”

The ones that WANT to learn. That try hard. Theyre honestly so far and few between and theyre punished for it. Why try hard when youre the only one who actually gets graded on your work. You work hard and get a B your classmates does fucking nothing and gets a C then the lazy one does ANYTHING and ya gotta encourage them to keep doing that so they get an A. They suck at school(refuse to try) so they should get rewards for literally anything else so they dont feel bad about themselves

Ridiculous. It sucks that the worlds gonna get stupider. The current school children are gonna be stupider than boomers. And the fact that they have no rules… at least old people to in trouble all the time as kids and were forced to be respectful to others and understand repercussions.

[strawberryspeachy]

horrible news guys…. i want to be in love

[strawberryspeachy]

take figures out of their boxes btw. sew patches on your favorite jacket. go to bed with your favorite plushes. wear the pants you usually save for special occasions. draw something cool on your wall. put a sticker on your laptop. dye your hair and pierce your lips. glass is meant to break, metal is meant to rust. items are meant to be used. that's how the world knows that somebody loved them.

[strawberryspeachy]

[strawberryspeachy]

[strawberryspeachy]

Partical thanks to the universe but also why you gotta fuck me like that.

I watched some show where the characters made out and I was like UGH PLEASE give me a hot guy to aggressively make out with.

And almost immediately a hot guy talked to me at the club. I talked back.

I hoped he’d take me to a hotel because I don’t bring randoms to my room but he is a student and it didn’t seem like he was exclusively after sex and he never brought up hotel but he asked to to back to my place.

I wanted him to come. Make out with my on my floor because i dont sit in my bed without a shower AND LEAVE

No. He bought some street food. We ate and drank and watched Spiderman on my floor. Then he started cuddling with me. Still no kisses. I wanted to make out.

After a couple hours of him trying to get to my bed we both took showers and got in my bed. We did make out. Thats all I wanted. To make out.

But then he stayed. He slept next to me. Was all cute and shit.

I said no to sex.

But as soon as they start saying sweet shit to me and reminding me how much I want someone in bed next to me I’m fucked.

And he stayed. And stayed. And stayed.

We came to my room around 5:30. Got in my bed around 7:30.

Also he left my fucking shower running. He used my expensive shampoo. And he used my conditioner i brought back from the states 😡

I thought he’d leave in the morning. Nope.

Surely he’ll leave in the afternoon. Nope.

I guess he’s waiting something out and will leave around 4. Nope.

He started looking for uber eats.

I started thinking. Wow! He must actually really like me. He’s staying for a long time. I guess we’ll spend the night together.

Then he decides after he orders food that he’ll go home and eat with his family at 6:20

Like i thought he’d leave when I said no to getting in my bed. And I kinda expected him to leave while I was in the shower.

I kept expecting him to leave and the second i thought he’d stay- he left

I wanted to make out. That’s all. Now I’ve caught feelings. That’s not what I wanted.

ESPECIALLY because after he told me he was going out with only his male friends a day later and that he would message me a lot.

I saw him with a girl. He says thats his friend but. Ehem. And he doesn’t message

Now his story is that he was too drunk (from fucking 6 to 4?!?! No.) he doesn’t remember what happened. He wasn’t himself because he was drunk. He doesn’t like to message or hang out pretty much at all.

WHAT THE FUCK UNIVERSE.

[strawberryspeachy]

I always knew i was lucky to have a farm. I loved my farm. My animals. I always knew my mom was the best. I always knew id miss both so much when they were gone. I even had an inkling that my time with both would be limited.

But it still hurts so fucking much. I want my mom. I want us to go home. I want to go back to the days in my farm house where my world revolved around the farm and school.

[strawberryspeachy]