#I’ve repeated just live to myself on so many bad days

[jude-us]

I’m not exaggerating when I say this post changed my life. Seeing this as a terrified self hating 17 year old was like finding a fresh water lake in the middle of the Sahara.

#I’ve repeated just live to myself on so many bad days #thank you op #transgender #trans #trans awareness

[papercorgiworld]

I think it was love at first sight

Mattheo, Theo, Blaise, Draco and Enzo

You overhear the guys say they’ve been in love with you since the day they met you.

Warning? 10% foul language. 90% fluff. 100% cringe? Maybe. But let's just accept the cringe and live a happy life.

Based on this ask. I hope it’s okay? Happy readings!

Feedback is always welcome!

You were new at Hogwarts and your nerves were wrecking you, but you were lucky to have met Pansy on one of her good days. “Let me introduce you to some of my friends.”

There is no such thing as love at first sight. He repeated the thought again and again, because your smile, your voice, your eyes, the small details of your skin, your figure and the lovely way you introduced yourself… it was messing with his head.

***

You had planned to stay in your dorm for the evening so you could study, but your brain just wouldn’t have it. Finally giving up you decide to head up to the astronomy tower to clear your head. You hear whispers and quietly move up the stairs curious to find out who it is, but before you reach the top you hear your name and stop in your tracks.

Mattheo

“I hate (y/n)! She is so annoying. Constantly asking for attention.” You immediately recognise Mattheo’s loud voice and your heart gets squeezed tight at his angry words. “She’s the quietest girl in our year.” Theo’s calm voice relaxes you. “She’s infuriating!” Theodore chuckles. “I know being reasonable isn’t in your genes, but you’re seriously overreacting, Matt.” Mattheo groans, but seems to calm down a bit. “She’s constantly in mind, it drives me mad.” There’s a silence as Theodore takes a drag from his cigarette. “It’s not her fault, you’re falling for her.” Mattheo takes a few steps back as a defense mechanism. “I’m not falling for her.” Theo stares at Mattheo and Mattheo clenches his jaw, until he can no longer keep it in. “Fuck! I’m in love with her.” Theodore can not hide his amusement as Mattheo curses himself.

“No, seriously Theo, it’s not funny. It’s disgusting. I’ve caught myself thinking about how many children we should have. I’m turning into freaking Enzo, all sweet and giddy.” You bite your lip and feel yourself heat up as Mattheo mentions having children with you. “No worries, you’re not turning into Enzo, you still curse too much.” Mattheo sits down clearly not knowing what to do with himself. “You really have it bad for her?” Mattheo nods and chews on his lip. “Ever since Pansy introduced her to us at the beginning of the year, she’s just- she became my whole world.” It is then that Theodore spots you and an apologetic look forms on your face as you realize you've been caught eavesdropping. Mattheo doesn’t notice the silent interaction between you and Theo as he stares down. “I hate it, because I know I don’t stand a chance with her.” When Theodore doesn’t say anything Mattheo looks up at him. “Do you think I have a chance with her?”

Theodore’s eyes jump from Mattheo to you and back. “Why don’t you ask her yourself.” Theodore says as he signals to the stairs. Your flustered figure appears and Mattheo quickly scrambles to his feet as his heart starts racing at the thought that you might have heard something, leave alone everything. “How-how long have you..?” He leaves you with only half a question and you’re surprised to see this insecure side of Mattheo, but now it’s time for you to fess up. "Quite some time.” Mattheo’s eyes fill with panic and he turns to Theo. “Just throw me off of the astronomy tower, I beg you.” Theodore laughs. “I’ll do you one better, I’m going to leave you two alone.”

With Theodore gone you’re both forced to look at eachother. Mattheo’s hands hide in the pockets of his pants as he nonchalantly makes his way over to you. “So, assuming you’ve heard my whole uhm- rant or confession. Let’s just skip to the last bit, do I have a chance?” He stops only inches from you and adores your blushed cheeks. You rest your hand on his arm and slowly move into him to place a most innocent kiss on his lips. “I’ve wanted to do that since Pansy introduced me to you.” In an instant Mattheo is back to being his confident grinning self. He closes the last bit of distance and his hands find their way to your hips. “Also, two children.” You quip and Mattheo smiles, leaning in for an intense kiss. “I was thinking, four.” You laugh at his ambition. “Up for debate."

Theodore

“(Y/n), she thinks she’s some wise ass, but I’ve seen her look at my notes during class.” Enzo just nods, slightly annoyed he had to listen to Theodore complain about you again. You hold your breath as you carefully listen. “And she studies a ridiculous amount to get the same grades as me, so obviously she’s not that smart.” Enzo hums pretending to agree, but he can’t resist a snarky comment. “Too bad Slughorn disagrees with you.” Theo’s eyes roll to Enzo. Who’s side is he on? “Well, she’s dating that Fred guy, so she’s clearly dumb.” Enzo sighs. “They’re just friends.” “Really?” Theodore asks with obvious interest in his voice. Enzo nods. “Good. She’s too pretty and intelligent for a Weasley.” Theodore snares and watches the cigarette between his fingers. “You know the other day some weirdo Gryffindor tried to-“ Enzo sighs. “Ask her out? Yes, you told me. Do you know how often you talk about her?”

Theo frowns as he looks at Enzo’s bored expression. “I know.” Theodore admits and sighs. “It’s just ever since we met her at the beginning of the year, she's been on my mind all the time.” Lorenzo stares at Theodore's defeated face. He was the last guy to talk like this, so Enzo knew it was serious. “She is really beautiful, so it isn’t that much of a surprise.” Theo leans his head back. “It’s not just that. It’s like I want her around all the time as much of a wise ass she can be sometimes. When she isn’t around everything’s just empty.” Enzo stares at Theo and when he notices he immediately shakes his head. “No. It’s not what you think.” Lorenzo can’t help but laugh. “It so is!” “No.” Theo tries to protest. “You are so head over heels for (y/n).” Enzo can no longer hide his amusement and a soft laugh rings through the astronomy tower. “Yes, maybe.” Theo reluctantly admits. “Kinda, have been wanting to ask her out. I even have this whole romantic thing planned out.” Enzo’s happy grin gets on Theodore’s nerves, but he can’t help it. “This is so embarrassing. Enzo, promise me you won’t tell anyone that I’ve been in love with (y/n) since the day I met her.”

Hearing Theo say those words have you gasp and you quickly cover your mouth with your hand. Worried that they might have heard you, you take a step back, but the stairs end up making a lot more noise and you curse yourself. “Someone there?” You hear Enzo call as he comes into view at the top of the stairs. You smile sheepishly. “Who-“ Theo falls silent as pure horror fills his eyes when he sees your blushing face. “Look at the time. I’ve got places to be, bye.” Enzo jumps past you, hurrying down the stairs, but not before giving you a cheeky wink.

When Enzo’s gone you look back at the top of the stairs to see that Theodore has disappeared. You walk up to see him look at the stars as he lights a new cigarette. “Soo, how much did you hear?” He asks as he breathes out. “Enough, but I’m mostly interested in that romantic date you had planned out.” Theo looks you over from head to toe, wary of whether you were messing around or being serious. He gets rid of the cigarette and walks towards you. He loves how your curious eyes follow him and Theo brushes a strand of hair out of your face, carefulling tucking it behind your ear. “I know this small café that’s also a bookstore and there’s cats.” You gasp in excitement, already loving the idea. “But first you have to survive dinner with me.” You purse your lips as you pretend to think it over. “I’ll give it a try, for the cats and the books obviously.” You reach for Theo’s hands and squeeze them as he gets a little annoyed with your playfulness.

“Why must you be such a wise ass?” You smile at him with adoring eyes. “Can’t help it.” You gently push yourself up on your toes to kiss him. The little agitation that was boiling inside of Theo immediately ebbs away as he feels your warmth. It doesn’t take long for Theo’s fire and hunger for you to take over. His hand finds the back of your head keeping you in place as he deepens the kiss sending shivers down your spine.

Blaise

“You think (y/n) and that Weasley guy are a thing?” Blaise asks, pulling Mattheo from his book. Blaise crouches down next to Mattheo who was sitting against a pillar. “Don’t think so.” Mattheo shrugs, but watches Blaise stare in front of him in deep thought. “Why? You interested in her?” Mattheo questions as he wiggles his eyebrows. Blaise looks at Mattheo’s grinning face and throws his head to the side a bit, wondering if he could confide in his friend. “Promise me you won’t laugh.” Blaise’s seriousness has Mattheo close his book. “Sure.” “Ever since we met her on the train that day…” Mattheo silently waits, not blinking, but it takes Blaise a while to find the words and courage. “Damn it, I’m so in love with her.” Blaise is surprised and somewhat relieved that he could finally admit it to himself. “I said don’t laugh.” Mattheo throws his hands up in the air. “I’m not laughing. I’m smiling. I think you two look cute together.”

Blaise rolls his eyes but can’t help, but wonder. Really? “Most of the time I feel like we’re opposites, and yet at the same time I think she’s the greatest person alive. She brings a little sunshine every day. But she’s also weird.” Blaise looks at Mattheo for an opinion. “Dude, all girls are weird.” Blaise nods in agreement. “Yeah, but she's, like, crazy weird.” Mattheo’s typical filthy grin appears. “But she’s hot, though.” Blaise shakes his head. “No, she’s not just hot, she’s beautiful.” This time Mattheo can’t help himself and laughs. “You are sooo in loooove with her.” He sings and Blaise gives him a little shove.

Blaise gets up, embarrassed with himself now that Mattheo is teasing him, and heads for the stairs. As soon as you notice he’s coming your way you try to turn around as quickly as possible, but it’s no use. “(Y/n)?” With a guilty face you turn around. “I wasn’t listening.” Mattheo jumps up and joins Blaise, he can barely keep it together as his eyes sparkle with humor. “She totally heard everything. I’m leaving.” You chew on your lip as you look at your feet, while Mattheo passes you.

Blaise runs his hand over his face trying to calm himself down and you smile softly, feeling guilty. It really was wrong of you to listen in on their conversation. “I did hear everything.” You admit as you walk towards him. “Do you think I’m some weird obsessed guy now?” You laugh and shake your head. “No, apparently I’m the crazy weird one.” Blaise gives you an apologetic smile. “I said that, but I also said you were beautiful.” You lay your hand on his shoulder. “I also heard you say you’ve been in love with me since the day we met.” The slytherin in front of you slowly nods, his eyes never leaving yours. “Which is crazy a coincidence, since that happens to be the same day as I fell for you.” Blaise is surprised to hear that, but quickly closes the last bit of space between you two and rests a hand on the small of your back. “That’s a bizarre coincidence.” You hum in response as you both lean towards one another. The kiss starts slowly, but quickly turns fiery.

“I never believed in love at first sight, until you.” Blaise mutters as he rests his head against yours. “That’s really skeptical coming from someone who attends a magical school.” He smiles and pulls you in for a sweet and loving kiss.

Draco

Draco sits and stares at a shiny green apple, dwelling in deep thoughts about you and him. “Do you think (y/n) is interesting?” Blaise turns against the railing of the astronomy tower and frowns at Draco’s odd question. “You’ve been staring at that apple for too long.” Draco rolls his eyes, not pleased that his friend isn’t taking his question seriously. “I feel like (y/n) is fresh air to me and that’s been bothering me since the day we met.” This time Blaise takes Draco seriously. “What exactly are you saying?” Draco looks away from his apple. “She makes everything better and I always need more of her, her attention, her opinions, her stories, her soft caring attitude. It’s never too much. Before I met her I’ve never been this curious about someone, never wanted to be around someone so bad.”

Your heart swells at Draco’s sweet words, but of course Draco had to say something stupid. “Which is weird, because she’s not that interesting.” Blaise’s eyebrows knit together for a moment, before letting out a soft chuckle. “You are definitely interested in her, that’s for sure.” Draco scoffs. “No, it’s not like that… is it? Shit, you think? I’m so in love with that… idiot.” Blaise laughs. “Idiot? Just a minute ago she was fresh air?” Draco just glares at Blaise who tries his best to hide his smile.

“You should tell her.” Blaise suggests. “Tell her what exactly? Oh hey (y/n), fun fact, I’ve been crushing on you since day one, please love me.” You smile at what an utter idiot Draco is and decide to immediately shut him up by walking up to him. Blaise is the first to spot you and his eyes go crazy wide. “That indeed is a fun fact.” You say, making Draco spin around to see if he recognised your voice right. Blaise takes Draco’s apple from his perplexed figure and heads for the stairs. “See you guys tomorrow.” He says casually and you smile at him, but Draco doesn’t move.

“You shouldn’t be eavesdropping.” Draco manages to say after a few seconds of silence and you roll your eyes. You take a few steps towards him and start playing with his tie. “You’re an idiot, Draco.” He nods and admires how your fingers play with his tie. “I’m an idiot, but please love me.” Draco breathes out and you meet his eyes, surprised by his sudden courage even if it took the form of a desperate plea. His hands gently move over your arms until he wraps his hands around yours, squeezing them softly. “I’ve already been loving you since day one.” You confess and a surprised smirk tugs on Draco lips. “Seriously?” You nod and move into him. He’s still a little shocked and it takes him a second to kiss back, but the passion makes up for the wait.

Enzo

“You know, I was thinking about (y/n). And I was wondering- Do you believe in love at first sight?” Draco stares at Enzo, wondering where the hell the others are. Realizing that there was no else to answer Lorenzo’s question, Draco rolls his eyes and thinks about it for a second. “You’re asking the wrong person. I don’t even know if I believe in love.” Enzo frowns. “That’s just depressing.” Draco huffs. “But what does that have to do with (y/n)?” Draco’s question gets Enzo a bit flustered and he tries to play it cool, just lifting his shoulders. “Nothing.” Draco raises an eyebrow and chuckles. “You’ve got to be the worst liar at Hogwarts.” Enzo acts like he doesn’t know what Draco’s talking about.

“Come on, spill it, Berkshire.” Draco snaps, but Lorenzo is used to his attitude and ignores it, happy to talk about his worries. “Look, do you think (y/n) would freak out if I told her I had been obsessing about her since Pansy first introduced us.” Draco thinks for a moment. “What do you mean by ‘obsessing’?” You take a step closer so you’re sure to hear what Lorenzo has to say next. He takes a deep breath. “You know, nothing out of the ordinary. Just… I was thinking of a spring wedding, some small town by the beach kinda honeymoon, a classical house with a big garden for the creatures and five kids, you know that kinda stuff.” Draco honestly doesn’t know what to say. “Do you think she’ll run in the other direction if she hears this?” Draco nods. “Enzo, you’ve officially lost it. She’ll definitely run in the other direction.” Disappointment washes away Lorenzo's excited smile.

“No. She won’t.” You say softly as you make yourself known. Lorenzo’s eyes go wide as he sees you. “I think it’s sweet and I do believe in love at first sight.” You continue as you walk towards a blushing Enzo. “You two are disturbingly perfect for one another.” Draco jokes and Lorenzo glares, making Draco raise his hands in defense. “You give the absolute worst advice ever. Now get out of here.” While muttering some complaints Draco leaves you two alone and you can’t help but laugh. “You ask Draco for love advice?” With a sheepish expression Enzo raises his shoulder. “I was desperate. I was so worried you would freak out, but I also couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. (Y/n), ever since-“ You don’t let him finish and just kiss him like you’ve wanted to do since you met him.

Lorenzo doesn’t waste any time wrapping his arms around you and deepening the kiss. “I’m so freaking in love with you Enzo Berkshire.” He lifts you off the floor as he again locks his lips with yours. “I think we’re simping for each other.” You laugh and nod in agreement. “Definitely.”

#slytherin #slytherin boys #theodore nott #theodore nott imagine #theodore nott x reader #enzo berkshire #blaise zabini #blaise zabini imagine #blaise zabini x reader #enzo berkshire imagine #enzo berkshire x reader #mattheo riddle imagine #mattheo riddle x reader #mattheo riddle #draco malfoy x reader #draco malfoy imagine #draco malfoy #papercorgiworldwritings

[kazemi-archive]

To Get Back on Your Feet

pairing: Kita Shinsuke x Reader

genre: angst themes, comfort

word count: ~2.3k

summary: where did it go? all the enjoyment. i’m sad again. don’t tell my boyfriend, it’s not what he’s made for.

cw: mentions of mental illness — unspecified, self indulgent me writing something to comfort myself

a/n: i’ve been in a really bad place and not taking care of myself well— i’m getting better slowly but @/s-hokos made a joke she’d sic kita on me and it made me think of this <3

14 min ago: Are you sure you’re okay y/n?

16 min ago: Are you sure you’re okay y/n?

You sighed at Atsumu’s text as it buzzed yet again on the 2 minute mark, blinking at it a few times before closing your phone without fully opening it. You didn’t want to lie to him. He didn’t deserve that. Sure he was overbearing a lot, but he really did care. All your friends did.

You knew your phone was full of unopened and/or unanswered messages. You wanted to reply, some part of you did. But you didn’t want them to worry if you said you were sad or if you were less enthusiastic with your texts. And you felt so bad if you faked it, like you were lying to their faces. Better to not answer.

You hadn’t moved in days. You weren’t sure what day it even was. Only dragging yourself out of your little cocoon of blankets to go to the bathroom when you really couldn’t ignore it anymore. Your little cat was confused about the new situation, she still got her food on time and she got more cuddles than she was used to. But every time your chest would shake she looked up at you with a small head tilt of concern. Jumping down from fright when sobs would leave your throat.

There was a hollow feeling that settled in your bones now. An emptiness rattling just under your skin. You could count on one hand how many meals you’d had in the past week. Your apartment was just big enough for you and your cat, the only two who currently resided there. But at the moment, it was too quiet without the constant buzzing of your tv, idle background noise of half-paid-attention-to shows streamed to it.

It was the only thing you’d done in the past week. Watch streamed shows from your position in bed. You’d chosen shows you didn’t have to fully pay attention to, an aid to not realizing hours had passed until you finally acknowledged that the bit of sunlight you could see through your curtains had disappeared and then appeared again.

You hadn’t even really slept, more like small naps here and there. The same clothes on your body from a week ago, and your hair visibly knotted despite the hair tie you’d put in to try and ignore it.

The sound of your phone buzzing again next to your head caught your attention.

10 min ago: Y/n, I’m worried about you. None of us have barely heard from you in days.

Now: Y/n, if we don’t hear from you, we’re gonna call Kita. We’re worried.

You grabbed your phone quickly to reply. Don’t tell Shinsuke. It’s okay, I’ll be okay. Don’t tell him, it’s not big enough of a deal for him to worry about.

Kita Shinsuke. The only person you had actively been lying to. Your long-distance boyfriend. You’d been trying to make him believe everything was okay. To show him you were okay on your own and you didn’t need help.

It was only a few hours drive from where your little apartment was situated to where your boyfriend lived. Shinsuke’s home was supposed to your home. As soon as you had gotten your career on track. Your career that was currently on a pause. A scheduled time where you had no schedule. No routine that you craved. And in return, the spiral had started. Until all there was, was the blankets surrounding you and the loss of time.

You were sure your phone had buzzed again but you couldn’t be bothered to pick it up again. Zoning back into the show on your screen. It was the middle of the night anyways. You sighed again, sleep tugging on your eyes as your phone buzzed again. You’d let the message notification repeats play out on their own. You couldn’t bother to try and open your eyes again as you let your tiredness take you.

The soft light of the early morning filtered through your blinds when you woke up. The sky was gray enough for you to understand that the sun hadn’t even risen yet. Your tv was still buzzing, soft chatter from the characters on a tv show you’d seen countless times before. The whirring of your fan going.

You glanced at your phone, a message from Shinsuke waiting for you.

30 min ago: Good morning, how is my love today?

You paused as you opened it, fingers hovering over the letters to confess your feelings but changing your mind. I’m a little sleepy, but I’m okay. How is the morning so far?

You set your phone back down, tucked under one of the pillows as you stared at your tv. You felt alone. You weren’t completely blameless in that, refusing to reach out. But you refused to be someone else’s problem. You would talk again when you were happier. You were in no rush to text Shinsuke back again. He was used to you not replying much in the early hours. And it was barely 5am now. You could afford some gaps in response time.

~~~~~

You barely remembered falling back asleep. You woke with a sudden jerk, your body recoiling from a soft touch to your cheek where your face barely peeked out of the blankets.

“M’love?” Your vision was staticky as you took in the form that spoke. A blurry version of Shinsuke knelt in front of you. You were sure you were dreaming that he was there. A nice dream and you sighed, wishing he was really there.

“M’love. I know yer ‘wake.” His voice was clearer now and the warmth on your cheek suddenly registered as he cupped it softly, his touch palm against your skin.

You blinked your eyes open then, tears you didn’t give permission to suddenly gathering along your lashes as you took him in. “Sh-Shin?” You hated how hoarse your voice sounded, the noise cracking under the pressure of your own words. “You’re here?”

His voice was soft as he kneeled by your bed, his thumb brushing over your cheek, trying to coax you out of the blankets you’d surrounded yourself with. “Atsumu called me las’ night. I got the message this mornin’.”

“I told him not to bother you.” You grumbled, hugging your pillow closer to yourself, soft shame filing into the emptiness that had become your body.

“S’not botherin’ me baby,” Shinsuke sighed, a softness filling his eyes, trying to hold back his own sadness of seeing you like this. Of not being here to help you like he wanted to. “How long s’it been like this baby?” He was referring to your current state, something he was familiar with, the hopeless-feeling state you’d found yourself in where you couldn’t figure out where to start to get better.

You shrugged. You weren’t completely sure. “Maybe a week.” You whispered. “I’m sorry.” Your apology was muffled by your pillow as you bit into it, trying to not sob in front of him. Hatred for what you’d been doing—or not doing—filling you up.

“Don’t apologize m’love.” Shinsuke’s fingers brushed your tears gently, pushing the blanket back to get a better look at you. “We can start slow, ‘kay?” You looked up at him, confused eyes brushing his figure as he began to stand up. “Will ya let me help, please?”

You were slow to nod. But once you did, his hands were pushing the blanket from your body. “How ‘bout sittin’ up first, ‘kay?” You nodded along numbly, the tears slowing as he guided you into a sitting position. “Ya have t’sit on yet own ‘kay? I’ll be right back.” You watched him disappear off to the bathroom from your slouched position. Blinking dazedly as you watched him return with a hair brush.

He was gentle as he sat behind you, his fingers patiently untangling the hair tie from your hair, careful to not tug on your hair too hard. You were both quiet as he worked, ends to root and back again, gently brushing out the knots in your hair, you winced more at the sound your hair made than the actual feeling of it. Soft apologies came from his lips every time he thought he tugged on your hair too hard, which just made you feel worse. Feeling awful for not being able to take care of yourself and relying on him.

A soft kiss to the top of your head was what made you realize when he was finally done. “How about a shower? When was the last time you showered?” You swallowed hard and he sighed, climbing from behind you as he held his arms out to help you up. “One step at a time baby. I’ll start one for you.”

You let yourself be pulled up into his arms and quietly followed him to the bathroom, standing awkwardly in the doorway as he fiddled with the knobs of the shower and found the proper temperature. He neared you again, the sound of the water now drowning out your tv from the other room. He cupped your face gently, pressing a gentle kiss to your cheek before exiting the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

You sighed as you stared at the water. Guilting yourself into undressing and stepping under the water, because if you didn’t then it would be wasting his efforts.

You were quiet as you stood there, the water hitting your hair and gliding down your back it was warm but not too hot. Shinsuke had kept it cooler than you would have made it, you were used to the temperature being hot enough to turn your skin a different shade but Shinsuke had been careful to avoid that temperature, settling for just warm enough.

You don’t know how long you stood there before you finally brought your hands up to your hair, ensuring that it was completely wet before reaching for your shampoo. Your scalp itched and burned a bit from the buildup of dirt, and you breathed a little deeper when you finally felt relief shampooing a second time. You were on autopilot as you continued your shower, conditioner being massaged into your hair and body wash on your skin. You’d caught yourself with your face under the water for a bit before you shook yourself out of it, a reminder that Shinsuke was waiting for you.

Your body ached as you stepped out of the shower, wrapping on of your towels around yourself as your hair dripped on your skin. You tried to not look in the mirror, not wanting to see the bags under your red eyes.

Stepping out of the bathroom, the first thing you noted was your stripped bed. Shinsuke had taken your sheets and bedding out of your room and left a set of clean pajamas on your bed instead. You blinked, frozen in place for a second. It was still morning but he’d still picked out pajamas instead of regular clothes for you. You sniffed, brushing away unwelcome tears as you pulled on the clothes left for you.

You could hear your washer spinning around as you passed the closet it resided in, walking your way out to the kitchen. You were quiet as you took in Shinsuke piling a small amount of food onto a plate.

“I only made a small amount, ya can eat what ya can. Don’ know when ya ate last or how much an ap’tite ya got.” You sniffled softly as he turned to lean against the counter, taking you in as he sipped on a coffee. You were trying to make yourself as small as possible against the door frame, curling in on yourself as the pain in your stomach rumbled. You were trying to decipher if it was hunger or nausea and settled on both. “D’ya wanna talk ‘bout it?”

You shook your head softly and he nodded in acceptance. He waved you to join him on the couch, picking your plate up for you as he went. You sat quietly next to him and watched as he placed the plate on your lap. You stared down at it, wet hair still dripping on your skin due to your neglect to properly dry it.

“A couple bites a’leas’ please.” Shinsuke mumbled as he brushed back your hair from your ear. He pressed a kiss to your temple as you picked up your utensils off the plate. “I’ll put on a movie, ‘kay? Ya can nap durin’ it if ya want an’ I’ll be here when ya wake up ‘gain.” You looked up at him in confusion then.

“Doesn’t that go against getting me out of bed? Shouldn’t I do more?” You questioned? Feeling like the small progress you’d made wasn’t enough.

Shinsuke smiled softly at you, his eyes trailing his hand as he ran it fondly over the top of your head. “Yer eatin’ what’s—I’m guessin’—yer first homemade meal in a week. Ya showered and got out of yer bed fer the first time in a week.” You felt the shame curl up into your throat again, setting your eyes downcast. “Hey,” he lifted your chin gently so you could look at him, “that’s a step, it’s progress. S’not easy to get back on yer feet.”

“But-”

“But nothin’ m’love.” He interrupted you, kissing your temple again. “We can do more t’morrow. S’more than ‘nough fer t’day.” You couldn’t help the small amount of tears in your eyes, his thumb catching them as they fell. “Progress is progress. Small steps are important. Don’ push yerself. Don’ overwhelm yerself. I’m still gon’ be here.” You sniffled again, putting down the dish so you could fall into his arms, reveling in the comfort he gave.

Three things you did today that you couldn’t yesterday. Small steps to get back on your feet.

a/n: asking for help is hard and i usually don’t. i’m trying to get better. getting up again after being down is really hard too. one step at a time. sometimes it’s a two steps forward one step back kind deal…but progress is progress. any progress is good

#𓇻 fics

[finnsbubblegum]

More Than Life (Joel Miller x Reader)

Pairing: post-outbreak!joel miller x f!reader

Warnings: 18+, reference to smut, fluff, sweet joel, protective joel, violence, mentions of cannibalism, age gap (reader is in her 20s and Joel is in his 50s) (lmk if i missed any)

Summary (Series): You were popular in Jackson but you have been single your whole life. Despite many men flirting with you, you have never found your ideal type. Until one day, you saw Joel and you fell in love at first sight.  But he felt insecure.

Summary: Pov: You went to join Joel on patrol without his knowledge. Who knows what happens next?

Words count: 2k

A/N: This is part 6 for I Don’t Deserve You series. But it can also be read as a standalone. Hope you like it!

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8

11.49

You were pacing back and forth in your living room waiting for Joel. 11 more minutes and your birthday would be over. You would be disappointed if you didn’t spend your birthday with him. Birthdays were always a thing for you, especially this was your first birthday since you were dating Joel. But on the other side, you were also worried that something bad happened. Which might be the reason why he was late. 

*knock on the door*

You ran to your door and opened it. 

“Sorry, I’m late.” Joel was panting. 

He looked really tired. You knew he came straight to your house right after patrol. He was full of sweat as he didn’t even have the time to take a shower.

“Thank God you’re here. I thought something bad happened to you.” You jumped to hug him.

“I’m fine. Don’t worry.” He hugged you tight. You kissed him.

“I-Ugh-I didn’t have the time to take a shower. I’m dirty.” He put his hand behind his neck.

“I don’t care. What matters is that you’re here with me.” You took his hand and dragged him inside.

“I got you somethin’.” He took off his backpack.

“You got me a present?” Your eyes widened. You loved getting presents.

“Happy birthday, darlin’.” Joel took out something from his bag and gave it to you.

“A book? How did you get it?” You wondered.

“Found it at an abandoned house during patrol. Haven’t seen that one on your bookshelf. Thought you might like it. Heard it was a famous one.” 

“Jane Eyre?” You read the title and the summary behind the book.

“Interesting. I love it. Thank you so much, Joel.” You hugged him again and kissed him.

“You really need to stop hugging me now. I’m being self-conscious. I’m smelly.” He chuckled.

You didn’t care what he said. Instead, you moved closer to him and sniffed him like a puppy, teasing him.

“Stop it.” He laughed.

“Wish I could go out and find more books.” You started that conversation again.

“I’ll get you more when I go on patrol.” He sighed.

“But I-” Joel cut you.

“We’re not talking about this again. You know what my answer is. The answer is always no. End of conversation.” His expression changed from happy to angry.

You stayed quiet.

“Are we clear?” He raised his eyebrows.

“Yes.” You replied coldly.

“Repeat it.” 

“Clear.” You rolled your eyes.

You didn’t listen to Joel this time. Instead, you found Liam who was responsible for making the patrolling schedules. You asked him about Joel’s and you applied to join. You told him not to tell Joel as you were keeping this as a secret from Joel. You practiced your shooting skills until it was the day of your first patrol. 

“Why are you here?” Joel furrowed his brows.

“I’m here for patrol.” You acted dumb.

“What?” He raised his voice.

You avoided his eyes. 

“Did you not remember what I told you? How did you even-” 

“Well, it’s too late, Joel. I’m here now. I’ve prepared myself. I’ll be fine.” You insisted.

“Fine. Just stick with me. Understand?” 

“Yes, sir.”

You and Joel rode the same horse. You put your arms around his waist and rested your head on his back. That day, you went on groups with Joel, Noah, and Sam. Noah was the leader for the day.

“Okay, so we’re gonna split here. I’ll go check north with Joel. Sam, you go south with (y/n). We’ll meet here in 4 hours then we’ll go east and west.” Noah commanded.

“I’m sorry, Noah. But (y/n) needs to go with me. I need to keep my eye on her.” Joel added.

“I’m not a kid, Joel. I’ll go with Sam. We’ll meet you here.” You gestured to Sam to ride the horse with you.

Nothing bad happened while you were patrolling with Sam. You wondered why Joel didn’t allow you to patrol. Was he lying to you? You wondered why he wouldn’t let you see the beautiful nature outside Jackson walls. 

“Hi there!” Two men suddenly showed up.

Sam stopped the horse. You grabbed your gun and aimed at them. 

“We’re not a threat.” The strangers said.

You and Sam got off the horse and talked to them. You tied the horse at the tree.

“Can we help you?” Sam asked.

“Yes, we’re hungry. We have a group with us and we need something to eat.”

“Well, we don’t have food with us now. But we can get you something.” Sam answered.

“Or we can help you hunt here?” You added as you saw they didn’t look like they had any weapons.

“Sure, thank you so much.” 

Sam and you walked in front of them and turned into hunting mode. You had never hunted before so you just followed Sam. 

*Sam screamed*

You turned to look and you saw the two men stabbed Sam from behind. 

“Sam!” You looked at him as he fell to the ground. You grabbed your gun and aimed at the men.

“Back off!” You shouted.

“Easy, pretty girl. We’re not gonna kill you. We need your friend to fill our stomach. But you.. You’re pretty so you can give something else to us.” The stranger smirked.

“Go! Run! Get Joel and Noah!” Sam shouted.

You hesitated to leave him but you knew you couldn’t fight these two men alone. So you ran. Hoping Sam would still be alive when you got back there with help.

“Get her alive!” The stranger shouted at his friend.

Both of them ran behind you to catch you. You ran as fast as you could. Your friend’s life was on the line and so did yours. You ran and got to your horse. 

“Come on! Go!” You yelled at the horse and it ran. 

You ran north and you were losing them. It was a bit far until you saw Joel’s and Noah’s figure. 

“Joel! Joel!” You shouted.

“Did you hear that?” Noah asked Joel.

“What?” Joel was deaf one ear so he didn’t hear you.

“Joel! Help!” Your horse kept running.

“That’s (y/n)!” Noah looked back.

“Fuck!” Joel panicked.

You finally got to them. You immediately got off the horse and ran to Joel’s embrace. 

“What happened? Where’s Sam?” Noah panicked too.

“There’s-there’s some men- He’s hurt- We need to save him!” You screamed.

“Hey, hey. You okay? You hurt? Anythin’?” Joel checked you up and down.

You panted and shook your head. The three of you walked towards the south going back to save Sam.

“Oh my God. It’s them.” You saw the two men running near you.

“Stay behind me.” Joel shoved you behind him and got ready with his rifle. Noah did the same.

“My friend here told me you hurt our friend. Where is he?” Noah pointed his gun to the strangers.

“Easy, easy. We’re just here for the girl. Just give us the pretty girl and we’ll give you back your friend.” One of the strangers tried to bargain.

“Joel…” You pulled Joel’s shirt from the back.

He glanced at you for a second and looked back at the strangers.

“That’s not gonna happen.” He growled.

“What? Is she your daughter or something?” The other men scoffed.

“You better be careful of what you say next.” Joel’s blood boils. His grip on the rifle got tighter.

“All of us are men. I’m sure you know what we need. Especially that pretty girl right there has a fucking sexy body. She’s probably a slut that all of you have fucked. Why don’t you share with us?”

You were shaking. You were scared. You just understood why Joel insisted on you not going out for patrol. You should have listened to him in the first place. 

“You want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Joel’s patience was running out.

“What’s that?” The stranger got cocky.

“I’ll let you go if you apologize to her right now.” Joel gave them an option.

“Or what?” The stranger laughed.

“Or this will be a bloodbath.” Joel gave them a death stare.

“Just apologize, man.” Noah was nervous. He knew what Joel was capable of.

“All of this just for the slut?” The stranger laughed.

*gunshot*

Joel couldn’t hold himself. He shot him at the leg. Noah fought the other guy.

“Apologize!” He yelled at the guy and pressed the wound.

“You’re not gonna kill me.” He was still cocky.

Joel shot him again at the other leg. 

“Fine! Fine! I’m sorry!” He cried.

“For what!” Joel yelled at his face.

“Sorry for calling you a slut!” He apologized while looking at you.

You flinched when Joel shot him at the head after he apologized. You were trembling and speechless. 

“No!” The other guy cried.

Joel's breathing was heavy and he looked to the other guy that Noah was holding. He shot him dead. 

“Joel! What the fuck!” Noah yelled.

“Let’s get Sam. Where is he?” Joel didn’t care he killed them. They were threats. 

“He-he-he’s there.” You guided Joel and Noah to Sam.

“Sam!” You ran to him.

“You’re gonna be okay. We’re safe now.” You cradled him.

The four of you went back to Jackson and got Sam help. Then you and Joel went home.

*Joel slammed the door*

You flinched. You were avoiding having conversation with Joel since what happened on patrol.

“What the fuck were you thinkin’?!” Joel yelled at you.

Your hands started to shake. You had never seen him like this before.

“I told you it was dangerous! Why are you being so stubborn!” 

“I-I’m sorry.” You stepped back from him. Tears welling in your eyes.

“You’re never going anywhere closer to the gate. Ever! You hear me!” He raised his voice.

You nodded as you wiped your tears from your cheeks. 

Joel pinched the bridge of his nose, looked up, closed his eyes, and sighed. He took a deep breath in and out trying to calm himself down. Meanwhile, you were just standing there frozen. You were too scared to move.

“Baby, I-I’m sorry.” He apologized.

You just nodded and kept crying. 

“Come here.” He stepped closer to hug you but you instinctively stepped back.

“Hey, hey, I’m sorry. I would never hurt you.” He slowly walked closer and hugged you.

“I just-I don’t want you to get hurt. I’ve lost the people I loved and I don’t want to lose one again. I swear on my life, I will never fall in love again. Not after losing Sarah, Sarah’s mom, Tess. Losing someone I love is the last thing I want to have in this fucked up world. But then I met you. You changed me. You make me believe that there’s still hope. Love. Happiness. I will protect you with my life no matter what happens. I love you more than my life. You should know that.” He stroked your head up and down.

You started sobbing and hyperventilating at his words.

“I love you, too.” You mumbled at his chest. 

Joel cupped your cheeks and kissed your forehead. He looked at you through your eyes as his thumb wiped your tears from your cheeks.

“Are we cool now?” His voice was now softer.

You nodded and rested your head on his chest. 

The night carried on with you and Joel having make-up sex in your bedroom.

Joel groaned as he fell on top of you catching his breath. He came inside you. 

“Did you just cum inside me?” Your hands were resting on his back.

Joel froze for a second.

“You forgot to pull out.” You repeated.

“Shit.” He got up and sat facing you as you propped yourself with your elbow facing him.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized.

“I mean-You gotta have a lot of sex to get pregnant right?” You needed assurance from him.

Having a child and being a mother was always your dream. That was why you chose to teach kids. But this was not how you wanted to have kids. You didn’t want to have kids by mistake. You wanted to have kids when both partners agreed.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re right.” He assured you.

“I’m sorry.” Joel put his hand on his forehead and apologized again.

“It’s okay.” 

“You have to tell me if something happens okay?” 

“You mean if I get pregnant.” You smirked.

“Yeah, that’s what I meant.” 

“Okay.”

To be continued…

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8

Taglist:

@nyotamalfoy @stevengmybeloved @happinessinthebeing @angelicbbsblog @aheadfullofsteverogers @mxtokko @bebe07011

#joel miller #pedro pascal #joel miller one shot #joel miller x reader #joel miller imagine #joel miller x you #the last of us imagine #the last of us x reader #the last of us x you #pedro pascal x reader #joel miller fic #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller smut #pedro pascal fic #pedro pascal fanfiction #the last of us fanfiction #joel miller fluff #tlou fanfic #tlou fanfiction #the last of us fic #the last of us fanfic #pedro pascal character #pedro pascal fanfic

[writeandsurvive]

Doubts ~ Alden Parker 2/2

Summary: Alden Parker reconnects with his first love and it gets him all confused  Pairing: Alden Parker x Fem!Reader Words count: 5.5k Warnings: age gap relationship, pregnancy talk, mention of dissociation Author's note: it's been a while since I wrote for Alden and I definitely didn't expect for it to be this long, nor take this way either but here we are. I'm giving myself to opportunity to write sequel fics with that ending, cause you never know. I hope you're enjoying it <3 love!

Around lunch time, he received a text from Jeremy. 

‘Wanna come over with your lady tonight?’ He didn’t answer immediately because he didn’t know. 

A couple hours later, it was your turn to text him. 

‘Jer is inviting us for dinner tonight. I’m down! You?’

He can leave Jeremy on read but he can’t do it to you. 

‘Not sure, day’s a mess.’

More like his head is a mess. 

‘Is it okay if I go anyway? You can join if you leave work early enough.’

‘Of course, go! I’ll keep you posted.’

‘Works. Love you, Superman! ❤️’

‘Love you too’

“You look miserable, Parker.” Nick Torres informed him as he grabbed a pastry still sitting on Alden’s desk.

“Thanks, Torres?”

“I bet it’s past days haven't been easy for you. When are we going to meet the future Mrs Parker?”

“Don’t know. We got some stuff planned already.”

“You know she can just stop by.” Jess chimed in.

“Been there, done that. Nope.”

“Alden” it was Tim’s turn to join, “We’re not jerks from the FBI, you know?”

“I don’t worry about you guys. But—“ his hand gesture showed off the entire headquarters, meaning everyone else. 

“I know what’s going on!” Jess interjected, earning puzzled looks from her coworkers. “You’re gatekeeping her.”

“Gatekeeping?”

“Kasie told me how pretty she is. And she’s younger than you.”

“We established that.”

“You are afraid someone in here, in her age rank, will try to swoop her away from you.” 

Alden let out a humorless laugh. “Trust me, Jess, I’ve seen many people try and fail. Right in front of me. I’m not worried about that.” 

“Or maybe she’s just good at hiding it.” Nick grinned at his team leader. 

“Torres, shut up.” 

“Gatekeeping.” Jess said, again. And Tim and Nick repeated it as agreements.

Alden Parker wasn’t sure what drove him to Joy’s house once again. He didn’t even know why he drove for two hours before going there, just to get her favorite pastries from when they were kids. The case is done, and he should put this behind him like it’s been all of those years. But when she opened the door and welcomed him inside, he smiled. 

They settled at the table with coffee and pastries, and started to talk. It was about the case this time, it was about them. Their past, what happened, how they felt. What their lives became from there. He learned that his ex wife Vivian visited Joy after their divorce because she “wanted to see the woman she fought against through the entire marriage.”

“That’s very stupid.” He said “And I’m sorry she actually came to see you.”

“It’s okay, at least I knew about how your life turned out. But it was fifteen years ago. What happened after that?”

You. He met you several years after his divorce, but that was the only answer he wanted to give. You happened, and you made his life a thousand times better. 

“I'm getting married in two months.” 

“Oh! I didn’t—well, congratulations, Park. Kids? Stepkids perhaps?”

“No and no.”

“Do you regret not having kids?”

Alden rubbed his face before answering. “I’m sorry, maybe you don’t want to talk about—“

“She’s younger than me. Young enough to get pregnant, so—“

“Okay, back up. When you say younger than you—?”

“Ryan’s age.”

“You kidding me right now?”

He shook his head no.

“Park, what the hell! Are you seriously getting married to a girl who could be your daughter?”

“Please, don’t, Joy. I’ve had this conversation too many times, I’m not having it with you.”

“I’m sorry, but it’s—“

“Wrong? Bad? Sick? Perverted? Trust me, I heard it all.”

“No, I was just going to say that—it’s too bad.” He looked up to her. “I was hoping you were single.”

He felt her hand on top of his. He knew he should’ve moved his hand away. He should’ve told her to back off, tell her that he wasn’t, and he was very happy about his life and upcoming wedding. But he let her. He let her intertwine her fingers with his. He even squeezed and she softly smiled. She got closer to him, and he didn’t move away. He saw her face approaching his, and he stayed there. Her lips touched his and he didn’t pull away. 

When his phone buzzed, he basically jumped from his seat, stepping away from Joy. Confused and lost, he grabbed his phone and saw that Jeremy was calling. He cleared his throat before answering.

“Hey pal.” He tried to sound casual.

“Uncle Alden! Where are you? Are you coming?” Eli.

“Buddy, hey! I’m still at work, but I’m coming soon, okay? I hope you didn’t start eating without me?” 

“No but hurry, you’re gonna miss the beginning of the game!” 

“I’m on my way! I’m hurrying up!” 

“Okay! But auntie said "drive safe.””

“Always.”

Joy was sitting at the table again. “My godson.”

“And he’s waiting for you, from what I understood.”

“Yeah, dinner and a baseball game.”

He grabbed his coat to put it on. 

“Is she his godmother?”

“No, Eli was five when I met her. But I really don’t want to talk about her with you, Joy. That kiss shouldn’t have happened.” He started to walk towards the door. 

“But it did and you didn’t fight. Not even for a second.” 

And he hated that. He hated himself. 

He opened the door. 

“Maybe that wedding shouldn’t happen.” She said. 

He closed the door. 

It was probably one of the worst drive of his life. How could he let this happen? How could he do this to you? He never faulted when he was married to Vivian, or any other relationships, but he did it with you. You’re the most amazing thing that ever happened to him, the most precious person he could ever meet, and he betrayed you. And the worst part of this? He wasn’t sure it wouldn’t happen again. Because catching up with Joy does something to him. It makes him feel things he thought long gone. He makes him wonder a lot of things, and pretty much puts his whole life into perspective. What if he changed earlier and her parents didn’t move away? What if she answered his letters? What if life hadn’t separated them? 

What if…

What if it was their second chance?

Alden knocked at the door and let himself in as usual. Eli came running to hug his godfather. Jeremy’s wife greeted him with a hug, the men greeted each other with their handshake, and his eyes laid down on you. You stood up from the couch with a soft smile. But he knows you well. He knows there’s sadness behind this smile. You probably could feel his internal struggle and was worried about it. But you were trying to hide it. “Hey you.” You whispered. 

To your surprise, Alden pulled you into a hug before kissing your forehead and then your lips. It was brief, but nice. 

You all settled in the living room, as the game was about to start. Jeremy’s wife had prepared some toasts and snacks to pick, and she served a beer to Alden. Eli was sitting next to his godfather, wearing his Cubs hat and you were on Alden’s other side. The game started, the conversations went from what you were watching to catching up with one another. Your fiancé and Jeremy talked about work here and there. You and his wife talked about the wedding, and she showed you some stuff she saw online. Lots of DIY. 

“Let me just say it. Sweetie, my lovely wife here is just waiting for you to ask to do all those things for the wedding.” Jeremy said.

“Jer!!” His wife interjected. 

“Do you really want to do all of this for us?” You asked her. 

“Kinda. I mean, I love weddings and I didn’t get to plan ours cause I was very much pregnant. But yeah, I’d love to. If it’s okay with you of course.”

“Of course! I mean I’m good with planning, but decorations, ambiance, that’s not my strong suit.”

“Don’t worry about that then. I’m handling it.” 

You hugged her and looked at Alden. He was physically there, but his mind was far away. You could tell. 

“Den, you good with Becky taking care of the decor?”

“Yeah, sure. Of course.” He forced a smile. “Thank you Beck’s.”

You spent the rest of the game looking at your fiancé who was clearly avoiding your eyes, or actually you altogether. He was focusing on the game with Eli, shouting at the TV here and there. Becky made small talk with you and you answered, doing your best to hide how you were really feeling. At half time, Jeremy invited Alden to the backyard. “You good, man?”

“Yes, just tired. Long week.”

“Meeting again with your first love.”

Alden didn’t take the slug he was about to. He stopped, staring at his best friend. 

“She told you?”

“Of course. She’s worried, Alden.” Jeremy waited for Alden to say something but he just stared at his beer. “Is she right to be worried?”

He looked up to his best friend but this time, he had tears in his eyes. Still unable to say anything, he just shook his head. Not as “no”, but as defeat. He was lost, and lost for words. Jeremy wheeled closer. “Did something happen?” He whispered. 

“We kissed.” 

“Alden.”

“I know, Jer. I’m—horrible. Doing this to her? I hate myself for it, I would kick my own ass if I could.” 

“Look. If it was just a kiss, I’m sure she can get past it. She’ll give you hell for it though.” 

Alden stayed silent again. 

“Was it more than a kiss?”

“No, no! Just that. But—“

Jeremy was starting to understand. 

“Parker, don’t tell me you’re questioning everything right now?”

“I’m lost, Jer. I love Y/N so much, she’s my world. But I can’t shake the feeling that— Joy reappeared for a reason. You know?”

“And that reason was her stupid ass son.”

“He’s a good kid.”

“Don’t. I’m not going to support this bullshit, Alden.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means—if you end it with Y/N to get back to Joy, you’re making the biggest mistake of your life. You’ll regret it faster than you can imagine and believe me, I’ll be right here to say “I told you so””

“Thanks for your support, friend.”

“You’re my brother and I love you, and it’s my job to tell you when you’re being the biggest idiot.”

Alden drank the rest of his beer in one swallow. Jeremy wasn’t moving. He was waiting for his best friend to come to his senses. 

“Will you take care of her?” Alden asked. 

“What?”

“If I— make the biggest mistake of my life. Will you take care of her?” 

Jeremy only saw Alden crying twice. After the accident, and at this very moment. He seemed heartbroken and genuinely torn apart by what he was feeling. Jer wanted to shake him off, but realized there was no point. 

“Yes. We will.” He reassured him. 

Inside the house, you were playing on your phone with Eli. When the commercials were over, he stood up to get his dad and goddad but came back quickly without them. “Auntie. Uncle Den is crying!”

“What? Are you sure?” 

He nodded so you rushed to the backyard. Eli was right. Alden was crying. You immediately kneeled down in front of him, and grabbed his face. “Alden baby, what’s wrong? What’s happening?” 

He loosely wrapped his arms around you and buried his face in your neck. “I’m sorry.” He whispered. You looked at Jeremy for some answers but he avoided your eyes. 

“Sorry for that? Alden, look at me. Talk to me.” 

“Please forgive me.”

“Forgive you what? What do you want me to forgive you for?”

You tried to grab his face to make him look at you but he fought off and kept his head in your neck. 

“Joy.” You simply said. 

Alden didn’t answer but he held you tighter. As if he knew you were about to pull away from him. Jeremy was still avoiding your eyes. 

“Did you sleep with her?” 

You were getting angry at his avoidance. You shouted his name, so he would stop hiding in your neck and holding you so tight you couldn’t escape. “Answer the goddamn question. And fucking let go of me.”

His hold loosened a little, and his face rose up. He looked pitiful. “Did you sleep with her?” You repeated, sharper this time. 

“We kissed.” He whispered, avoiding your eyes.

You didn’t react immediately, just took some sharp deep breaths. He kissed her. He kissed someone else. It was breaking your heart, but at the same time, maybe it was better than him sleeping with her like you thought. You could get over a kiss, right? You could forgive him for being lost for a moment. 

“Was that all?” You asked, afraid of the answer. 

He nodded, but kept avoiding your eyes.

“Fucking look at me, Alden.”

He did. Slowly. You were mad at him, hurt and felt betrayed. But you loved him beyond words, and most importantly, you didn’t want to lose him over a kiss.

“I’m sorry.” He said. “I’m lost.”

“What do you mean, you’re lost?”

Alden was nervously rubbing his hands and he looked down at his feet again. You grabbed his chin, forcing him to look you in the eyes. “Stop stalling.” You were getting angrier and angrier. 

“I just–I don’t know what to say, sweetheart. I’m sorry for the kiss, for doing this to you. I hate myself for it.” He gently grabbed your hand that was still on his face and covered it with both his hands. “But I– I don’t know what I want anymore.”

You instantly took your hand off his despite the grip he had on it and you leaned back. Away from him. The tears that had been frightening to fall were now rolling down your cheeks.

“You don’t know if– you want to be with me or with her?” You sum up.

“Baby, I–”

“You’re telling me that– you’re ready to throw everything away. The past two years we’ve had together, our upcoming wedding, projects we have– for an ex, that you hadn’t seen in forty fucking years? That’s what you’re saying, Alden? You saw her only days ago, but you’re willing to risk losing me over her?” You didn’t know how you manage to say all of this despite feeling your throat closing in. You were choking up, but you needed to understand. You needed him to speak up, no matter how bad it could hurt. 

“I just need some time.”

At this moment, you stood up so fast your head spinned for a second. Or maybe it was the shock of what was happening. 

“Time? You need time?” You started to move like a lion in a cage, fighting off your tears as much as you could. Alden stayed seated, looking down at his shoes again. “Look at me you fucking coward.”

You knew this word would get a reaction out of him. He stood up too, grabbed your face to make you stop moving.

“I love you.” he choked up. “But I need closure.”

Those words broke your heart. You knew what it meant. 

You pulled your face off his grip, looked down at your engagement ring for a moment before taking it off and putting it in his palm. “Go for it.”

You walked past Jeremy, Becky and Eli - who didn’t understand what exactly was going -, grabbed your stuff and left. 

~

It’s been a week.

A week since you last saw Alden, a week since he broke your heart into thousands of pieces. A week since you walked home and trashed his greenhouse, because you couldn’t control yourself nor your pain. You knew it wasn’t a way to react, that it was impulsive, but when you got home to get some stuff, you looked around in tears. You saw pictures framed of the two. You didn’t mean to throw it on the floor at first but as you held it, you got madder at his face. His smile. You couldn’t hit him, but you could destroy that picture. From this, you completely dissociated, walked into the greenhouse and broke everything. Throwing the pots on the floor, ripping his flowers, destroying his expensive telescope. In retrospect, you’re mad at yourself for doing all of this, and even considered apologizing to him via text. But you never brought yourself to do it. Not even when he texted to check up on you or tried to call. 

You considered going over to Tay’s house, but decided against it and found a hotel to stay in. You didn’t want to see anyone, face anyone. You couldn’t face reality. For an entire week, you stayed in, barely ate, only texted Tay and Jeremy to let them know that you were indeed alive. But that was it.

Alden has been miserable through the entire week. Barely slept or ate, he wasn’t even bringing pastries to his team anymore. He met with Joy a couple of times but it didn’t feel right. He didn’t push her away when she kissed him, but stopped her when she wanted more. She said she understood it wasn’t easy for him, that she’d give him time to process the breakup, but the next minute, she was all over him. This wasn’t going the way he imagined. He was more lost than a week prior, because living without you felt impossible. He knew he couldn’t have it both ways, that he needed to make up his mind and stick to it. But all he’s been wanting to do was seeing you and holding you. 

He remembers coming home after that night at Jeremy’s and finding the pictures framed all over the floor and the greenhouse completely trashed. He deserved it. He spent hours cleaning, saving what could be saved. He tried to repair his telescope, even asked Tim for some help but his younger coworker told him he may as well buy a new one. 

The team was worried about their leader and they were thinking about interfering. They didn’t know exactly what had happened, but they were investigators so they figured out the big lines. 

“No pastries today?” Nick asked Jess and Tim as he walked into the bullpen. He saw Parker’s coat on the back of his chair so he knew the senior agent was already in.

“Nope. And he’s in a mood.”

“Did you find his fiancée?” He asked Tim.

“I didn’t like doing it, but yeah, she registered in a hotel last weekend. Been there since.”

“So they are officially broken up?” Jess joined.

“Looks like it.”

“Boy, I hope he’s not seeing this Joy woman.”

Of course, this was the sentence Alden heard as he came back from accounting. “Gossiping about my love life? Seriously, don’t you have anything better to do?”

“We’re just worried about you, Parker.” Nick told him.

“I don’t need you to worry about me! I don’t need you to figure out where Y/N cause I already know! And I most definitely don’t need you to do something about it! Are we clear?”

“Yes, sir.” They all agreed.

He stayed a long time at the office after everyone was gone. He didn’t want to go home to an empty apartment. It still smelled too much like you, your presence was overwhelming as all your stuff was still there. Not that he wanted you to come get them. 

It was the middle of the night when he got back to the apartment. And when he heard noises coming from the bedroom, he immediately reached for his gun and slowly walked towards the noises. “Federal Agent!” He called out. “Come out with your hands in the air!”

As he was about to reach the door, it opened to you. You were completely unbothered by his gun pointing at you, just walked past him to go to the bathroom. But you were stopped by his hand grabbing your wrist. He whispered your name, shocked to see you here. “Wh–What are you doing here? How are you?”

“I live here.” You just answered. “You want me gone? Then throw me out.” You tried to keep walking to the bathroom but Alden didn’t let go of your hand.

“No, no! I don’t want you gone! I–I’m not throwing you out. Wasn’t in the first place. I’m just–I didn’t expect to see you here. You’ve been ghosting me.”

“Oh and that surprised you?”

“I guess not, I just– I didn’t want things to happen the way it did.”

“Look Alden, I’m about to pee myself here. So let me tell you why I’m here. I’m not going to make this easy on you. You want to see her? Fine. But you’re not doing it here. You’re stuck between me and her? Too bad, I’m not leaving my spot. Also, you’re making all the calls for the wedding. You’ll call the guests, the caterer, the venue, the minister and tell them you’re canceling it. You should deal with the consequences and I’ll make sure that you do.”

You pulled your hand away and he let go. You really needed to pee. And when you got out of the bathroom, he was still there. Leaning against the wall, jacket off and gun pulled away. He looked miserable. But it was all his fault.

“I’m not seeing her.” He informed you. “I just said I needed time.”

“So what? I should’ve stayed here, and waited until you may or may break up with me? Sit here and wonder if you’re coming home late because you’re with her?”

“Isn’t that what's gonna happen now that you’re here?”

You let a humorless laugh. “You didn’t get it. I’m here because this is my home. My name is on the lease, I pay half of the rent, my whole life is in here. I’m not giving that up, whether or not we’re broken up. And if that causes you trouble, then perfect.”

“So, we’re like what? Roommates?”

“If you want to put a label on it. You ruined my heart, Alden and I’m letting you ruin my whole life.”

“I never asked you to leave, Y/N!” His voice rose up, as he was getting angry. “I never wanted you out of my life! I didn’t even want to cancel the wedding, okay? All I needed was to figure things out!”

“But it wasn’t figuring out what suit you’re going to wear! It’s figuring out if you want to be with me or with her! Do you honestly think I would marry someone if I’m wondering if he really wants me?”

“Wait–” he stayed silent for a second, taking a deep breath. “Are you saying that–if I tell you I still want to marry you in two months, you wouldn’t want to?”

“I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering if you’re still thinking about her.” You didn’t know why but your voice got softer at this moment.

His eyes started to watered. “I kinda feel like you’re actually breaking up with me, right now.”

You silently cried for a moment. “You broke my heart, Alden.” you whispered. “I felt betrayed and rejected, like I’ve felt my entire life until I met you.” 

Alden fell down against the wall until his butt hit the floor. He was silently crying, hating myself even more. “Then–Why are you here?” He struggled to ask.

You kneeled in front of him. “Because I’m pregnant.”

Alden’s brain froze for a very long moment. Did he hear you right? or was he hallucinating? Was it a dream? Were you really pregnant? With his baby? He stared a blind spot for several minutes, but finally looked back at you. He wanted to smile. Despite the horrible circumstances, despite how you got to this point. You were pregnant. You were carrying his baby. Silently, he extended his arms, tentatively trying to touch your stomach. But you stopped him. “Don’t just yet.” It hurt you more than you could’ve imagined to say those following words, “I’m considering abortion.”

His brain froze again for a moment.

“Wait, what? No!” He got on his knees. “Princess! No. I know it’s your body, but I probably shouldn’t be doing this but please, let’s talk about this. You’re pregnant.” More tears fell down his cheeks, but it wasn’t sadness. “You’re carrying our baby.”

“Alden—“ you choked up. “Don’t make this harder than it already is, please.” 

“I can’t let you have abortion without talking it through. I can’t.”

“I said I was considering it.” This time, he managed to hear his hands on your stomach and you didn’t pull away. You were ugly crying by now. “That’s not how I imagined this would go. It should’ve been the most amazing news of our lives, but now—it feels wrong.”

“Wrong? That’s the furthest thing from wrong.” He gently held your face. “It’s far from ideal, it’s—messy if you want to put it that way. But we can figure it out. We can make it work, one way or another.”

“I don’t want to do the coparenting thing, Den. I want to raise my baby with its father, my husband.” 

“And I want to kiss you right now.” He whispered.

“Please don’t. Don’t choose me because I’m pregnant. I could never be happy with that.”

“I understand. Really, I get it.” Silence filled the room again, except for sniffing and deep breaths coming from both you and Alden. “How about we get up now and sleep on it? You can take the master bedroom.”

You followed his lead and stood up. “Did you really think I’d sleep in the guest room?”

He chuckled softly. “Of course not. I just need my shorts and phone charger.” 

Neither of you slept. 

You didn’t want to tell him about the pregnancy just yet, nor like that. You wanted to wait a little and see how things were, see if being around him could help you make a decision. But he knows now, and it may have been easier if he said he didn’t want this baby.  

But Alden wanted this baby. He’s never been this close to being a dad. No woman has ever been pregnant with his baby. And the fact that it’s you—he wants to erase those past two weeks. Erase his doubts, erase his behavior, erase the hurt and pain he caused you. He never doubted his love for you, though. He knows what happened in his mind, he’s known before tonight. Maybe he should just face it and admit it to you. 

You woke up in the morning to the smell of food. Your favorite breakfast food and it both made you hungry and nauseous. You rushed to the bathroom as soon as your eyes opened, and Alden immediately joined you as he saw you running. He kneeled down next to you, holding your hair as your morning sickness hit. He gently rubbed your back. Once you were done, you sat on the floor against the wall. “I’ll get you water.” 

“No. Give me my toothbrush first.” 

He stood up, grabbed your toothbrush that you left there (you only packed a few clothes the week prior and bought the rest), added some toothpaste on it and handed it to you. You brushed your teeth while staying on the floor. 

“Do you want me to carry you to the couch?”

“I’m pregnant, Alden, not invalide.”

You walked to the kitchen with your baby daddy on your toes. 

“I cooked but I don’t know if you’re gonna be able to eat. Or maybe you want something else? Any cravings?”

You sat at the kitchen island and buried your face in your hands. “Alden, stop. Don’t act like your usual loving and caring self.”

“Ooookay. What am I supposed to do then?”

“I don’t know.”

He put a big glass of water in front of you and sat on the stool next to yours. He made you spin so you were facing each other. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

You took a deep breath, “I’m listening.”

“I always knew I’d come back to you.”

“What?”

“I needed closure with Joy. Subconsciously, I was hoping you’d let me—“

“Do your thing with her and wait patiently until you come back?”

He sighed. “It’s horrible, I know. It was selfish and wrong, and just plainly— jerk behavior.”

“I’d say asshole. Dumbass. Dickhead.” 

He sadly chuckled. “Whatever word you want to use, they are all valid.” 

“Basically, you wanted me to give you a pass on this.”

“Something like that, yeah.” 

“When did you reach that conclusion?”

“A few days ago. I ran into Max and his mom, and poor little guy was so upset at us—“

“Oh my god! His game!”

“Yeah. We missed it. And I tried to explain to him that we had some issues, and after he stopped pouting, he actually listened. I told him I’ve had a problem in the greenhouse and that I’d loved his help to get it back the way it was. And I guess from what I told him, he understood that you were temporarily away. And he told me, “We have to make the apartment spot clean for when Y/N comes back.” From there, my mind—“

Alden watched you as you stood up and went to get something from the closet. Then you walked towards the front door with a gift in your hands. “Where are you going?”

“Apologize!”

He didn’t move until you came back, which wasn’t long after and the gift was still in your hands. “They are not home, I’ll try again later.”

“He’s not mad at us, I made sure of it.”

“I know, but we promised we’d be there. And we didn’t show up, he probably felt so sad.”

Your emotions overwhelmed you and you started to cry there, sitting on the couch. Alden sat next to you, hesitating for a moment before hugging you. You didn’t push him away. “He still loves us.” He assured you.

“I still love you but it doesn’t make it okay.” 

You regretted saying it as soon as it left your mouth, but Alden uncontrollably smiled. Silver lighting. 

You let Alden hold you for a moment, because it felt nice on some levels. You still couldn’t believe what he put you through though. “We were doing so good.” You whispered. 

“I know. I’m not even sure I understand myself.”

You stayed silent once more. 

“So, you didn’t—sleep with her?”

“No.”

“Well—maybe you should.”

“Wait, what?” Alden shifted, clearly taken off guard. He gently grabbed your chin to make you face him. “Are you seriously telling me to sleep with someone else?”

“Yes.” You said with eyes full of tears. “Maybe that way you can totally put it behind you.”

“That’s—crazy. Absolutely crazy.” He moved down to his knees. “I couldn’t go that far, princess. I did see her and we—made out, if we can call it that. But it felt wrong, so wrong. I wasn’t kissing the right person. When she was touching me, I kept thinking that only you can touch me. Only you know how to touch me. My entire world felt out of place. I think the sixteen years old in me wanted it, but fuck I’m not sixteen anymore. I’m a stupid old man, who’s so in love with a woman too young for him. A woman who definitely deserves better, because she’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met and I failed her.” He held your face in his big soft hands, and pressed his forehead against yours. “I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you, if you let me.” He kissed your nose. “I’ll make sure our little one knows how precious their mama is and that we are the luckiest.” You were both crying. “Please.” He added. 

“You know those Moroccan pastries we had in a little shop in New York?”

“Sure. Kaab al ghzal.” He said in his best accent possible. 

“I’m craving them.”

He chuckled softly. “Then I guess I’m going to New York.” 

“Actually, I, um—there’s this new musical on Broadway—“

“Then I guess we are going to New York.”

“Two different bedrooms, Alden. Connecting at best.”

“I can deal with that. What else?”

“Your treat.”

“Obviously. That it?”

“You leave your phone here.”

Dilemma. He wouldn’t do it in a heartbeat if it wasn’t for his work. He’s technically off for the weekend, but being a Federal Agent comes with a lot of inconvenience, and being called at any time any day is one of them. But he saw in your eyes how serious you were. It wasn’t about his work, which is something you’ve always understood and were mostly okay with. It was about him showing you he meant every word he said. 

“Let me just inform the team.”

#alden parker fanfic #alden parker imagine #alden parker #alden parker x reader #ncis reader insert #ncis fanfiction #ncis imagine #ncis #tim mcgee #nick torres #jessica knight #kasie hines #jimmy palmer

[mygloviesme]

cool about it, eleven years later. || myg

no. 2 of 3: she called me a fucking liar

predebut/debut!yoongi x female idol

summary: eleven years later, kanako lives in nyc with her childhood best friend keiko. bts have become a household name that floods her every day life, and she's learned to ignore it. after years of moving on from those months she spent with the seven boys, she finds herself in a good place. what happens after one fateful night she finally runs into faces she's tried so hard to run away from?

(definitely inspired by boygenius)

word count: 4.6k

genre: ANGST, fluff, melodrama

chapter warnings: mentions of mental health, drinking, smoking

inspo song: worldstar money by joji

JULY 9TH, 2023, 10:48PM

The woman next to Yoongi loops her arm around his, holding him close. A knife puncturing my stomach only twists further. Further and further. 

“Who’s this?” She asks genuinely, kindly. Oh, I loathe her. I hate myself for it but I hate her more. The feelings I’m having are childish and jealous, completely unreasonable. But she’s so perfect. Her body fits into his like they were made for each other. I don’t recognize myself right now. It feels like high school with the way I’m obsessing over her every move. 

All I want to do right now is run into the club and down more drinks than I can fathom. Self destructive is the right word. I was never one for spite, but right now I wish I had a man on my own arm. 

“This is…Kanako.” He speaks, gulping. 

Her eyes widen and she breaks apart from him, taking my hands. “Oh my goodness! I didn’t even recognize you! I’m Aimee, remember? I was a trainee at Bighit for a little while.” 

The memories flood my brain as I recount who exactly she was. I do remember her. After the news broke out, she was the one who told me I could still take back what I said about Haneul. She was on his side. 

This is who he’s with? I feel a burning in my stomach, a validating one. I have a reason to dislike her. It gives me reason to hate her. And God, do I hate her right now. 

I look at Yoongi as Aimee holds my hands in hers, utter incredulity painting my face like a mural. I’m not sure if he remembers, but I do. Those words all those years ago were repeated over and over again so I could hate myself even more. She was amongst the people that made me afraid to go outside ever again. 

Haneul doesn’t have that power over me anymore, and neither does she. At least for being on his side. But I’m definitely giving her power by wanting to rip her away from Yoongi. This is getting embarrassing. 

“Yes. I do. You were friends with Haneul, weren’t you?” I smile with bitterness. I’m old enough to make statements now. I’m old enough to create boundaries. I don’t have to lie about liking someone. Fuck being the bigger person. I’ve been big, I’ve been small. I’ve done it all. 

Her beaming smile fades and she lets go of me, “N-No. Well, yes. But I know better now, I’m so sorry for what I said. I haven’t spoken to him in over a decade.” She says. Yeah, right.

Yoongi only stands with his hands in his pockets, not saying a word. I don’t want to be talking to Aimee, but I’m not entirely sure I want to be talking to him either. I don’t know if I have the strength to, considering how it went with Jungkook. There’s too many thoughts circling my mind at this very moment, all of them being about Yoongi. I don’t even know if I would consider him an ex, someone I knew, the one that got away. Because that would be me, I got away. 

I know I should’ve moved on long ago. I know I did in certain ways. But still after all these years I never understood why I could never give myself to someone else.The feelings for Yoongi had never dissipated, I just forgot what it’s like for him to be standing in front of me. Looking like that. 

This hurts so fucking bad. 

“Hey, Koko.” I hear Keiko say from behind Yoongi. She holds her bag as well as mine. Her body is asking if I’m ready to go. She knows. “It’s alright Aimee. Have a good night.” I say and nod to Yoongi who makes strong eye-contact with me. 

I turn to Namjoon, “How long are you going to be in New York for?” 

“Just two more days.” He says, “We can meet up again if you’d like.”

I walk to Keiko, grabbing my bag. “I’ll call you.” I tell him. He nods slowly and I wave a quick good-bye before me and Keiko head off into the Uber she called over. 

As I walk away I’m fighting the urge to look back. I didn’t then, but I want to now. A part of me wants to tell Yoongi that I want to see him again. But the other part wants me to ignore all those precious memories we have together and lock them in a box, throwing away the key. Don’t look back. Don’t look back. I grip my purse tighter, biting my lip. 

Before we get into the Uber, I reluctantly choose to look back. I hold the car door with one hand, turning to Yoongi. He was already looking at me. Those almond eyes. I keep that short moment in my back-pocket, saving it for tonight. 

He looked back, and so did I. 

JULY 9TH, 2023, 12:34AM

Me and Keiko sit on my bed, face masks on and a tub of ice cream between us with one spoon staked in the frozen dessert. It’s rocky-road, my favorite but her least favorite. She knew how much I needed it though, so she succumbed to the chunky-goodness. 

“So how was it?”

“What?”

She rolls her eyes, “You know what I’m talking about.”

I take a deep breath, exhaling for a moment. “Awful. Jungkook was so upset, and I mean for the right reasons. But it just took me by surprise. He was so…sure with himself. Namjoon is sort of the same. Level-headed. But Yoongi…”

“He has long hair now.”

I shove her playfully, “Shut up!”

She takes the spoon, dipping it into ice cream before pulling it to her mouth. “Sorry. You were saying?”

I lean my hands back, “I felt like it was the first time all over again.”

“Like no time had passed?”

I pull a face, “It’s so stupid.” 

She raises her eyebrows, giving her head a small tilt. “Just a little.” 

I scoff, “Kay, sorry if I thought this was a safe space.” 

“It is! It is. It's just funny to hear that is all. But I get it, trust me. Although it’s been eleven years.”

“Don’t rub it in! I know. But besides that, seeing him was so unreal. Unlike the others, he just seemed…the same. I don’t know. Should I see Namjoon tomorrow?” I ask, grabbing the spoon from her hand to have a bite. 

“Well, what I’m hearing is you asking if you should see Yoongi tomorrow.” She purses her lips. 

I nod sheepishly. “Maybe I am.”

“Kanako, can I be serious with you? For just a moment.” She stops and places her hands on my shoulders. I hold the spoon in my hand nervously, looking at her serious expression. “Sure.” I’m not. Keiko’s brutal honesty is never something to be ignored. 

“As much as I love to encourage your bad decisions, I have to draw a line. Because I love you, and because I think you know this too…don’t try to stir things back up with him.”

I pout, “That wasn’t exactly my intention-”

“I know. But at your core, you’re a romantic. A lifelong monogamist, as much as you don’t like to admit it. You haven’t been in a real relationship in eleven years, and that makes me worry for you. And your vagina.” 

“You know I’ve been trying to open up more!”

“Yes babe, but after eleven years? You couldn’t have been waiting for him, were you?”

She keeps emphasizing eleven years which doesn’t make me feel good. I know it’s sort of something that’s been left unsaid, my lack of relationships. But I’ve played it off as not needing a man, being too focused on my work. I’m just a workaholic, it’s fine. Even though that isn’t necessarily true. I love my free time. I love having free time. I knew one day I’d gain the strength to start something up with someone else, I was just waiting. Yeah, waiting. 

“No! I mean not really. I just haven’t…felt that spark with anyone else.”

“Spark. Right.” She squints suspiciously. 

“It’s true!” I gasp. It isn’t. 

I settle down and play with the hem of my sweater, “Don’t act like I haven’t moved on.”

She cooes, “Oh, Koko. I know you have. I just think seeing him was hard for you. It brought up stuff, didn’t it?”

That’s definitely a word for it. Stuff. If stuff means feelings, yes. Feelings I can’t quite figure out. It’s not like I want to seduce him out of his relationship, but a part of me is so hungry to know him again. To know what he’s been up to, if he still likes his coffee the same, if his love for me hasn’t faltered. It hurts me so much to think that mine hasn’t. Haneul was never my first love, Yoongi was. What I felt for Yoongi was deeper, something I didn’t and couldn’t understand at eighteen.

What I had with Hanuel was a need to be seen, validated. There wasn’t any depth besides the trauma I got out of it. That’s a black hole I’ve gotten out of. With stories to tell and scars to hide, but It’s gone. Thank God. 

“Yeah…it did.”

She pulls me in for an embrace, kissing my forehead. “Do what you want, I love you. He’s just…obviously with someone new. I don’t want you to get hurt. But you should see Namjoon. And maybe try to fix things with Jungkook. That’ll make you feel better.”

I nod into her shirt, “Yeah, it will.”

She pulls herself back from the embrace, seemingly confused. “It kind of surprises me that your feelings are so strong for him…and yet you guys never had sex.”

“Trust me, that took me months to get over.”

JULY 10TH, 2023, 6:00PM

I move the hair in front of my face and adjust my soft pink top before I enter the rather expensive restaurant Namjoon had invited me to. This is definitely not a place we would’ve come to back then. Even I have never been here before. 

There’s a few moments before I’m met with a hostess, “Kanako?” She asks and I nod, gripping the handle of my purse tighter. My hands are growing clammier, embarrassingly enough. Namjoon asked if he could invite some of the other members that were here as well, and I accepted warily. I knew I’d easily get overwhelmed by seeing most of them again, but I didn’t know when I’d have another chance to. Seeing as they’re all busy and for the first time in eleven years I’m taking a leap of faith. 

I don’t know when I’d have this courage again. Especially if it means Yoongi might be there. 

She leads me to a seated area covered by a black curtain. Her hand delicately brushes it open for me, revealing the four familiar men. For some reason I expected something more dramatic, more tragic. I have pessimism on the brain, but can you blame me? It’s my easiest coping mechanism. My most self-destructive one. A common theme lately. 

She gives me leeway to enter and I respond to her with a quick thanks before entering the small room. The men all stand quickly but seem to be caught, saying nothing. Their eyes dart to each other for a quick minute before Jimin smiles, “You look great.” Unexpected, but I’ll take it.

They all look great too, all so mature and aged. I could take notes. But I think they’d be pricey notes.

It feels like I’m standing in front of strangers in a sense, eleven years taking off memories from me little by little. But I still remember a lot. Even with Jimin’s cadence in his voice, it’s so different. It’s softer. More gentle, like I’m a new friend. New friend. 

“Please, sit.” Namjoon insists and I do so, sitting next to him which seems like the safest bet. I place my purse down beside me and shuffle in my seat, “Thanks for…inviting me. It’s great seeing you all again.” I say, trying so hard not to cringe with my words. Just like last night, it feels like anything I say doesn’t amount to how big this situation is. 

We used to be all so close. I knew them. They called me their sister at some point. 

“You too. Sorry Taehyung couldn’t make it. He’s busy and all that.” Namjoon chuckles, planting his elbows on the table. Jungkook sits right in front of me, not speaking a word. His eyes stay looking down at the table, sometimes to Jimin. 

I don’t know whether to look at them or not, it all feels like the wrong move. What if they don’t like who I am now? The way I dress, speak, move. I want them to recognize me. I’m almost thirty, why do I care so much about what they think of me?

“We went ahead and ordered meat and other side stuff. You like fish cakes right? And beer? If not, I could get you something else.” Namjoon asks. 

“N-No, that’s all fine. Thank you…”

More silence. 

“I got spicy cucumber salad for you. I know how much you liked it then.” Jungkook says between the echoing quiet. Then. 

“Oh yeah, I still do. And I still like-”

“Pickled radish.” Yoongi whispers, fiddling with his hands. They remember. He remembers. 

I respond with a soft laugh, “Right.” 

He smiles too, looking up at me. One day I’ll stop feeling whatever this is I feel for Min Yoongi, but as long as he stays just like this, I don’t think that will happen any time soon. There’s a delicate fluttering in my stomach as we keep eye contact with each other, like it’s all that time ago. I would call myself delusional, crazy, everything that means that I’m looking too much into it. But if I could print this moment on paper, you’d believe me.

“So you guys are on a hiatus? How has that been?” I question genuinely. Jimin totters in his seat, making a ‘tsk’ sound with his mouth. It reminds me of Hoseok. I wish they were all here, but I’m glad I at least have this. 

“Taking a break has been great for most of us, but I’m still working on music and whatnot. So is Jungkook, but we definitely have more free time than we did a year ago. We wouldn’t have been able to go on a dinner like this if it were, say, 2021.” He says honestly. The boys nod in agreement. 

“Really?” I raise my brows in shock.

“Yeah, we were robots for like, six years straight. Non-stop working. What about you?” Jimin tilts his head.

“Yeah, Kanako. We’re- I am- very curious about what you’ve been doing. You went to college when you left, didn’t you?” Namjoon says it as if it isn’t a sore topic. It is for me, and with the way Yoongi shut down privately it seems like it was the same for them too. 

I play with the glass of water in front of me, “Yeah I did. I graduated with a degree in communications, so I work with my friend Keiko at the New York Times as an editor. She was doing an internship there and…managed to get us both in, I guess. I’m pretty lucky.” I admit.

Jimin’s mouth is agape, “Kanako, that's seriously impressive.”

I scoff, “Oh shush, nothing like being a global star. Mr. Nominated For A Grammy.” 

Namjoon shakes his head playfully, “There’s the Kanako I remember.” 

I smile to myself as I hear Namjoon’s comment, “But thanks Jimin.” I say.

Before he can reply a waiter comes in with multiple servings of all kinds of food. He places the raw meat besides the grill, following with the various side dishes all neatly surrounding the table. It’s so much food, something we definitely never did back then. 

Once everything is settled, Yoongi grabs the tongs, pointing them at me. 

“Make sure to eat a lot. It’s on us.”

JULY 10TH, 2023, 7:47PM

We’ve grown into a more comfortable banter as we all eat. Talking about celebrities they’ve met, encounters with fans in bathrooms, and something Namjoon wants to say to me. 

He chews on the kimchi that sits in his mouth, covering it with his hand. “I mean it’s not that big of a deal, but now that you’re here I just wanted to tell you because it sort of is a big thing.”

“Go ahead Joon.” I assure him. 

He swallows, “Well- uh. I’m bisexual. And I’m dating a guy. He’s cool.”

I widen my eyes. Definitely didn’t see that coming. I mean, kind of. He’s always been a very open-minded person, but I never heard him talk about any sort of crush. Besides that one time in a club, but I never assumed he was straight. Or anyone else, for that matter. I’m happy for him though. I know it must be hard for them to maintain relationships during all this chaos, but the dust has settled. And he seems happy, which is most important. 

“Oh sweet.” I reply nonchalantly, hoping to not scare him away. 

“That’s it? Sweet?” He chuckles, turning over the cooking bulgogi. 

“Scratch that, I’m glad you found someone. That makes me happy you could do that in the midst of, you know everything that’s been going on for you. Where’d you meet?” I reply. 

He sighs, “Mutual friends. It was hard to connect with other guys during the, you know, spotlight. I’m still not out obviously, but he’s really okay with it. We go to art galleries and dinners and such. It’s pretty serious.”

I grin as I sip my beer, “Is he as smart as you?”

“He tries to keep up.” Namjoon replies with a smirk. 

Jimin perks his head up, “What about you Kanako? Anyone in your life?”

I gulp. It takes everything in me to not look at Yoongi. I hope the small beat after he asked the question isn’t obvious. I look down to my fish cake, “Not really.”

“Has there ever been? It’s been eleven years, you know.” He says. Ugh.

“You sound just like Keiko.” I mumble.

Namjoon tilts his head, “Are you and Keiko…”

I shake my head quickly, “No. Nope.” I respond to him, turning to Jimin. “Uh- some guys here and there but nothing ever serious. I’m pretty focused on my work. What about you, Jiminie?” I attempt to curb the conversation from myself. Trying to not make it obvious I’m hiding a deep, dirty secret that’s sitting across from me. 

There’s an abrupt laughter that bounces off the table. I look around, confused. “What am I missing?” I say. 

Jungkook laughs, “Jimin is the opposite of a monogamist.”

Jimin’s face washes over with an obvious scarlet, “I like to have fun, that’s all.”

I giggle and lean back in my seat, “Ahhh, I see.” 

That was an unsurprising answer from him. And I’m sure with the fame there’s even more options for a guy like him. “Is it limited to just women?” I ask. 

Jimin gasps, “Why does everyone ask that!”

Namjoon laughs hard, holding his stomach in the process. “Kanako is asking the real questions.” He chokes out whilst wiping tears from his eyes. 

“But to answer your question, definitely not.” Jimin gives a cheeky look to me as he responds. It’s clear he’s growing more buzzed by the minute. I assume that night at the club sparked something in him. It’s fun, for now. 

This news is all so raw to me but it’s so fluid. The aging only made the conversations better, more comfortable. There’s less hesitation and more openness. There’s still a silence in Yoongi’s corner, reminding me of how he was when I first met him. Shy. But the topic of conversation I know is something he doesn’t want to contribute to. Not after the awkward encounter I had with his supposed beau. His young, annoying beau. 

“And you, Jungkook?” I ask. 

Jimin pats the young boy on the arm, “Still afraid of women. But I think he was just having a hard time moving on from-”

“Shut up.” Jungkook is quick to quiet the tipsy man down. There is an obvious glow to Jimin’s cheeks as time passes, and I don’t remember how many glasses of beer he’s had if that tells you anything. His mouth is like a loose cannon. Things don’t feel great. The table turns quiet again. Something else I’m missing. Jimin shrugs. 

“Let’s just say Yoongi isn’t the only one still hung up on you.” He mutters under his breath, taking a big gulp of his beer. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

“Jimin, really?” Namjoon looks at him in disbelief. Jungkook is also shocked, holding a hand up as if he’s stopped in his tracks. “I can’t believe you said that.” The young boy whispers. 

Jimin tries to reach for Jungkook, slurring a small ‘I’msorry’ before Jungkook slides out of his seat to walk out of the room. Jimin follows the young boy in hopes to apologize. All I feel is second-hand embarrassment, confusion, and heaps of awkwardness. Yoongi sets down his chopsticks in a disappointed manner, exhaling loudly. 

He looks at me for the second time today, “Don’t pay attention to him. He’s grown to be a messy drunk.” He says. 

I nod and hang my head politely, not wanting to add fuel to the fire. But it might be too late for that, because before I can think I’m jolting my head back up in question.

“What did he mean, not the only one?” I ask, looking at the two men. 

Namjoon bites his lip, “Not sure if that’s our place to say.”

But what does it mean? Is Yoongi still hung up on me? Is Jungkook? I didn’t think he ever felt that way towards me, he called me his sister for god's sake. Was it a cover-up? Did feelings develop over time? How did I not know? How did I not expect this? This gives everything a new meaning that I do not want. 

I don’t want any of this. “I’m so sorry.” I whisper as I pick at my rice.

“It’s to be expected.” Yoongi responds, seriously. 

His tone is indistinct which causes me to be a bit bewildered, “What is that supposed to mean?”

He shrugs apathetically, “Everything was…never concluded properly. You left things sort of a mess after you left.” 

I scoff and cross my arms, blatantly offended. “A mess?”

Namjoon attempts to break up the rising tension, “Guys let’s not-”

But Yoongi has intentions. Everything is coming to the surface, I know it. I hear the words flow from Yoongi’s mouth like he’s rehearsed them. Like he’s always known what he was going to say, eleven years later.

“We loved you, and you left. You can’t expect us to not have feelings about it.”

We loved you. The same knife digs into me as I hear him. 

“I’m not expecting anything. It’s just been-”

“Eleven years? Yeah, we know.” He laughs sarcastically. He always knows what I’m going to say next. In this moment I wish he knew nothing about me. 

There’s a bubbling frustration within me that grows to its peak, “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I loved you all too, okay?” My words begin to adhere to him, unbeknownst to me. It’s coming out. “I spent days and nights thinking about you. I wanted to come back, I wanted to call. But it would make- it would’ve made moving on so much harder.”

“Why did you want to?”

“Want to what?”

Namjoon places a hand on my shoulder to cool me down but I’m an unstoppable forest fire, trees and wildlife burning down in front of their eyes. They’ve watched me crumble so many times it’s almost unbelievable it’s happening all over again. Some things really don’t ever change. 

“Move on, Kanako? Why!” Yoongi shouts. 

I sit up from my seat, planting my hands on the table angrily, “Because I loved you! I had just started to and I knew I had to stop if I was ever going to heal! Don’t you get that? I was in an abusive relationship at eighteen years old, I didn’t even know half of the things that happened to me really did happen! I coped the best way I could, so fuck you for blaming eighteen year old me!” I breathe heavily after I finish. The bowl of rice has toppled over all over my feet but I’m too angry to notice. This is what I needed to say after all these years. This is my honest truth. I’ve freed myself of the guilt I’ve held for all these years. 

Yoongi stays quiet, his gaze on mine as I stay above him. Namjoon looks at me too, aghast. I feel relieved but so big at the same time. Like a monster. 

“Kanako…” Yoongi whispers. “I know, I-I’m sorry. That was…” His voice trails off. 

I feel tears trickling down my face and wipe them quickly, slumping back down on the seat. Instead of running away, I stay. This time I will stay. 

JULY 10TH, 2023, 9:00PM

Yoongi ended up paying for dinner, even with how much of a slight disaster it turned out to be. We ended up continuing talking, rather casually, after our argument. It was the best I could do without leaving again. I wanted to stay there and fix things. But it was better to ignore it. 

Jungkook and Jimin stand outside, clearly done with a deep talk. Jungkook is smoking once again. I feel like I should say something about it, maybe even a joke. But I’m not sure if that’s my place anymore. Was it ever?

“Hey guys. Kanako. Sorry about that.” Jimin apologizes weakly. It’s obvious he’s sobered up a bit from the last time I saw him, but even under the street lights I can see he has a long way to go. 

“Don’t worry about it.” I promise him. Jungkook throws down his cigarette like he’s done it a million times before. He stuffs his hands in his pockets and walks over to me, eyeing the sky. His familiar unwillingness for eye-contact is more obvious than ever. 

“Hi Jungkook.” I say as he approaches me. 

He looks over to the boys behind me, hesitant to speak. “I understand now. I can’t imagine at that age having to go through what you did.” He confesses. He pulls me in for a random but pleasant hug. His body is much more solid than I remember, not as easy to hold, but his scent has stayed the same. How is that even possible? 

I accept the embrace and wrap my arms around him tightly, having to hold back tears. This feels so nice. I missed this. I wasted years longing for it again. There’s still an unanswered question of what exactly Jimin meant, but I let it slide. I let my mind clear completely to enjoy the present. 

“I missed you so much Jungkook.” I muffle into his chest. My eyes water. 

“Stay with me tonight. W-With us. Like old times.” He whispers as his head sits on top of mine. 

My body is lit like a furnace. It’s comforting this time, not intense. They can read my mind so easily. I want to, I have to. For one night before they leave, I will. 

“Okay.” 

click here to read more of this story!

a/n: I know nothing about grown up jobs or how they work!!! keep that in mind dear god!!!

#min yoongi #bts #bts imagines #agust d #fanfic #suga #yoongi #yoongi fanfic #bts fluff #bts hoseok #bts taehyung #bts jhope #bts seokjin #bts namjoon #bts jk #bts jimin #bts jungkook #bts smut #bts fanfic #bts icons #bangtan #taehyung #bts army #jimin #bangtan sonyeondan #run bts #bts fanfiction #bts fic #bts ff #yoongi x fem

[heiressofdoodles]

Journal of the Last Prophet (Part One)

April 16, 1611 - Dear diary,

Hello! This is the first time I'm writing in you, so I'm going to introduce myself! I am Aeon Caldera, I live in Tarot Town with my Mama, and I'm now five years old! Mama got me this for my birthday! She said "writing down your thoughts and feelings every day is a good habit to start early!" I’m so happy to start being like Mama now.

June 1, 1613 - Dear diary,

Mama and I left home to go to Underland today. I don't remember going there before, so I'm super excited for this! We left a bit later than the others, but maybe if we hurry we can catch up with the others before the Queen notices. We'll be going to the festival tomorrow! Wish us luck!

June 2, 1613

We got to Underland a bit late. The Queen seemed a bit upset, but not too upset, I guess. We were just enjoying the festival, and… Mama grabbed me and ran. I saw it. The Jabberwocky. I saw fire all around, and he seemed so angry. I wanted to help, but Mama didn’t let me go. She said that if you make the Jabberwocky angry, you won’t be able to see your friends or your family anymore. I was so scared, but we hid before the Jabberwocky got us. We hid for a long time, but when we came out, there was fire everywhere. Mama tried to hide it from me, but I think some of them aren’t okay. I hope they wake up soon. There were others that were okay, but when everyone got back to the gateway, someone came to us. He was huge and scary, and he was angry and sad. He said “you Wonderlanders left us behind! I won’t let you back here!” I think he was the King. Was one of his friends sleeping as well? We left to go home shortly after. I don’t think anyone knows what’s going to happen next year. I hope he’s going to be okay, though.

June 4, 1613.

We’re all still at the Queen’s Court. Apparently, she wants us to talk about what happened in Underland, and what it means for the Kingdom, or something like that. I didn’t hear a lot of it. Just boring people talking about boring things. Mama said to pay attention, but I couldn’t keep focused. It felt like hours before something actually happened. Someone had opened the doors. He seemed scared and hurt. He just ignored the guards trying to ask him to stay calm. But he didn’t. He was just more scared, asking for help. The Queen was angry at him when he got close to the throne. I didn’t see all of it; Mama covered my eyes. I think the Queen hurt him more, though. She started screaming at him things my mom said were bad to repeat. How could she be so mean to him? She’s an adult like Mama; she should know better than to hurt someone like that!

The Queen ordered her guards to “take him away from me”. If there weren’t so many people, I would’ve followed them. Why didn’t anyone try to stop her? Yeah, she’s scary, but I’ve had bullies before! And can’t we just help him anyways? If the Queen really is like this all the time, why hasn’t someone tried to stop her?

Mama said to stop writing things like this.

I’m scared.

June 5, 1613.

I snuck down to the basement in the middle of the night. It was dark and cold, but I don’t think anyone saw me. The Jailer had walked past while I was sneaking around, so I think I’m okay. I heard a few things in other rooms, but Mama said that there are things even she’s not allowed to see in the castle. Things she doesn’t want to see. I eventually found that boy. He looked like a boy, at least, but when I started talking to him, he was… sad. Much sadder than any kids I’ve talked to before, at least. He was confused why I was here, and I just wanted to cheer him up somehow. I asked his name, and he just said “my name is Shard. I’m the Bishop in Underland.” It… was weird. Why would an Underlander be here in Wonderland? And why would the Queen be so angry at him? I asked him, but he just said he didn’t know either. “The Jabberwocky grabbed me, and it brought me through the portal here. I was scared, but it dropped me, and we both fell to the ground. I’m lucky to have been okay,” he said to me. I still don’t understand why she would be so mean to him.

Mama told me to hide my journal. She said “If the Queen found this, you’ll be like the Underlander.”

June 10th. 1613.

We still haven’t gone home to Tarot Town yet. Mama said we were going to go home last week, but we’re still here. I’ve noticed a few people in the Court had gone missing since earlier this week. I think some of the people are the pretty dragon lady, the grey and blue rabbit girl, and the plum mouse lady. I tried asking what happened, but all the adults were scared of answering. And the Queen didn’t answer when I asked her either, even though I did everything Mama told me I should do when I go to ask the Queen for something. It was weird.

But I’ve been going to see Shard every night. He seemed hungry and thirsty, so I snuck to the basement with something for him. No one else ate it, and it was just left out in the open. Does the Queen not care that much? It’s all going to go to waste if someone doesn’t have it. I would’ve given him my blanket as well because it’s really cold down here, but he said it was too risky. He didn’t want me to get hurt. “You’ve already been so kind to me, even though I told you it was dangerous for you. But taking something like that would be a step too far.” I don’t know what he meant by that. This morning, Shard said something to me. “I don’t want you to come looking for me again. The Queen has been getting more angry the longer I’m here, and I think she’s going to kill me.” He told me to not try to reason with the Queen, and to not follow him if anything happens… I gave him a hug, or at least the best hug I could manage through the cell bars, and left and hid before the Jailer found me.

Shard was taken to the Court today. He looked even worse than when I last saw him. He had bruises, his clothes were ruined, and it looked like he was bleeding. What happened to him in such a small amount of time…? The Queen seemed calm; I was hoping Shard would be able to go home. But he didn’t. She said he was dangerous to her people, and that the sooner he was gone, the sooner Wonderland would be able to heal. That was wrong though! It was all wrong! Not even Shard wasn’t even trying to argue against it! She was lying to everyone, and no one tried to tell her that she was wrong! But who would listen to a little kid, anyways…

I followed Shard and the guards. I know I promised I wouldn’t, but I had to make sure he was okay. It seemed so weird, though. If she was this angry, why didn’t she do what Mama said she did to people that made her angry? I didn’t think that wall or that forest was there earlier, but there it was. The castle was really far away, but Tarot Town was closer. I could get myself and Shard there if something happened. But something did happen. I tried to follow them and stop them from hurting Shard, but the guards caught me at the gate. He seemed surprised that I followed, but when he came over to me, he… he didn’t try to run. He just told me to go, and that he’d be okay. He’d be okay with whatever happened as long as I was okay… I tried to tell him to not go, but one of the guards grabbed me and took me away. We just sat at the gate, waiting for something, anything. But Shard never came back. The group of guards came back, but… I hope my friend is okay.

The guards said they wouldn’t tell the Queen I stowed away, but they’d tell my Mama. I asked why they’d do that, and they just said “we’re afraid of what the Queen would do to us if we didn’t.” Why would they serve her if she made them scared? They didn’t answer me when I asked what they did to Shard. I hope he wasn’t hurt more. Mama was terrified that I’d come back to the castle with the guards. She said we’re going home tomorrow. I could hear her thank the guards before we left for our room.

Shard, please be okay in there.

June 2, 1614.

There wasn’t a celebration this year. Not even an invitation from Underland. I hope the King is okay. Still no word if Shard is okay, either. The blueberry looking man, Chaos as some of the adults call him, has also gone missing from Somnia’s court. I tried to go to the forest for what might be the millionth time again to see if Shard is okay, but there’s still no way to get inside. I hope he and everyone else that’s gone missing are okay…

March 7th, 1619.

I’ve been talking with some of the other townsfolk. It feels like Tarot Town isn’t as safe as it was when I was younger. Some of the other kids are going to school in groups, or asking their parents to go with them. The teachers and the Mayor said they’re doing the best they can to protect the town, but they aren’t doing enough. We’re stuck in a town that is slowly dying, while the Queen and her goons do nothing to help us. The Suits can’t save us, not like they’re trying. There’s been no word of the Diamond, the Club or the Spade. They’ve abandoned us to suffer Queen Somnia’s reign. Well… At least we have each other right now. Galacta, Kamenshi, Kaseki and I have been close before, but I think this is pulling us together. I enjoy their company, and even though we’re forced to live in such a lonely place, it’s something we’re going to live through together.

April 16, 1623.

It’s my sixteenth birthday today. I’m not too sure how I want to celebrate, honestly, other than having some cake and spending some time with my partners. Mom doesn’t seem to mind that Seki, G, Kam and I are actually together as a group, which is more than a relief. She even seems cheerful when I talk about them. I wish that was true of everyone here. But, since this is for writing down my thoughts, I guess I’d better start with something. I’ve never really left Tarot Town after the Jabberwocky incident in Underland. Any time I did, it was mainly to see if there was any way to meet the other Suits… Or get into that forest Queen Somnia had her guards drag that Underlander, Shard, to what was certainly his death. But there was just no getting over or under the wall, and the only gate keeping them in and myself out was locked up tight.

Another thing that I've had on my mind a bit more lately was… well, where I came from. I don't really know who my Dad was, and I thought today, I'd finally have some answers. Nope. Mama said he was an Underlander, but that was almost it, just like always. I asked her why he wasn't with us, or why we weren't with him, and she finally said something more, and told me that he wasn't ready for a family. That and their relationship was "a secret from the monarchs, both of whom would've been extremely displeased upon hearing there was an affair between them at all." Her words, not mine. The subject seemed way too touchy, so I just sorta dropped it after that. I'm curious about him, but if he really didn't care enough about me and my Mama, he probably isn't worth my speculation… I’m still curious about him anyway. I mostly wonder if he even survived the attack from the Jabberwocky. But with so many dead on both sides, I doubt it. 

June Seventh, 1629

Today was the happiest day of my life. I’m now the wife of my three wonderful spouses. Kaseki was worried and stressed about it, but I knew that it was going to be more than just decent. The only thing I wish we did was make it a more private event. Oh well. Galacta wore a long, feathered cape to hide his wings, but I believe all of us were beautiful today. Mama had several pictures taken, and she certainly cried the entire time. I’m certain that she’s overjoyed that I’m going to be with such loving and caring partners. I just wish that Kamenshi and Kaseki’s parents could’ve been here… It feels lonely for them to not be here, but… I suppose they’ll be here in memory. Oh, I’m sorry for turning this so negative. I just don’t really know how to describe how I feel, other than pure bliss and joy that this day has finally come.

We’re going to be so happy together, I can feel it.

May Second, 1631.

I’ve officially been sworn into office today. The other candidates are all more experienced than myself, but they say I can learn as I go. My spouses said that they were so happy for me. I’ve been writing in my journal more frequently, as there have been more and more on my mind. I just hope that I can do my best to serve and protect Tarot Town. From those who wish us harm, and from the wrath of the Queen. I haven’t forgotten what she did to that poor Underlander. And all the others that had somehow incurred her wrath. It’s strange. Today is one of the happiest days of my life, and yet, I’m dreading what might come of today.

May Third, 1631.

The Queen arrived in the town today. I was caught off guard, but when I tried to apologize to her, she… This is going to sound crazy, but she said there was nothing for her to get angry about, because she had arrived without warning. It was purposeful, even… I’m not sure how to think of her anymore. She seems so calm. Too calm, even… Her several royal guards, on the other hand… They seemed tense… Anxious, even. I tried to ask one of her guards, Ava I believe, but… The Queen had strictly ordered both of us to stop. And… That was when I really remembered again what she did. What she has the ability to do to anyone that crosses her. The two of us walked through the town, just quietly talking to each other. When we got to my new office, she just… asked me to sit.

We went over the different terms and agreements that came with me now being in office, and she seemed rather transparent about what she wanted of me and my town. I have to admit, I wasn’t expecting such transparency. It was… in a way… very disturbing… Was she this transparent with all of the other mayors? Or is this just a facade? I can’t tell. Regardless, she… she gave me a written contract. It glowed softly, and I could read over the terms and conditions they laid out. Of course, I read the contract over repeatedly, almost tuning her out. Every word, every letter, every single asterisk. But there was nothing. Not as far as I could see. So… I signed. Hoping those stories from my childhood to have been false. She left me a copy of the contract, and she left Tarot Town shortly after, but… I can’t help but dread the idea of what I might have missed on that contract.

December Twenty Third, 1631.

I've noticed that my powers seem to wax and wane with the sun and moon. I get stronger during winter, and they get weaker during summer. I think even my visions are at their most immersive and more accurate during the Winter Solstice. So much so that it becomes hard for me to distinguish what's actually happening around me. It's strange, but that's just how powerful this magic is. I've been preparing for today though, for quite some time. It's the Winter Solstice, the darkest day of the year, and the strongest my powers will get this year.

Mama said this power is something she's lived through similarly to myself, and it had given her wisdom and experience that was deeply needed by the historians and the Suits. The Club before they disappeared, the Heart before Somnia, the Spade before they were attacked by the Jabberwocky, and the Diamond before their banishment. Apparently, this power is genetic in some capacity. If I were to have a child of my own, this power will become theirs. I’m not sure if I’ll stop having visions if they were to start having them, but I don’t imagine so. Mama said the power might even follow the women better than the men of our family. I’m… sort of curious now, but not curious enough yet. The four of us will have a child when we’re ready for it.

I’ll just leave this here, and write any visions that I may have.

July Thirty First, 1632.

I’m writing this in between my tears, so if something looks wrong, that’s why. The Queen paid Tarot Town a surprise visit, and she seemed to be calm, even a little bit cheerful. I invited her to my office, and offered her a cup of hot chocolate. The conversation was civil and calm, even if her guards seemed a bit on edge… But today was just confirmation that I should never have trusted her. I… I asked too many questions. About her supposed kindness. About why her guards seem so afraid. About the Underlander that I saw when I was a child. She’d tried to deflect the answers, but Shard… Asking her about what she’d done to him was apparently a step too far.

She was furious, demanding to know how I knew where he was. She quickly calmed herself, but… I know it was false. I tried to change the subject, but I shouldn't have. Her guards tried to approach to passively separate us, but just a glare was all it took from her to force them away again. She said to me “You have lied to my face for decades on your true loyalties. You swore loyalty to me, all the while you conspired with them.” I tried to calm her, tried to make her think rationally, but nothing I did worked. She revealed the contract that the two of us had signed when I started my job as the Mayor. It was all the same but… it was terrifying what she had done.

With just a snap of her fingers, lines of invisible ink had become visible. She had hidden terms and conditions in that contract. She lied to me, and I was either going to tell her everything I had neglected to inform her of- things that vary from important to the town's health to deeply personal information that could endanger the Kingdom if it fell into her hands -or… I would be cursed. I'd heard several stories as a child of what she'd be able to do to people that angered her; the curses and fates worse than death she could inflict without a second thought. But, despite my fear, I put my foot down. I refused to bow down to her, refused to tell her anything that she demanded to know. She made it clear that it was the worst choice I could’ve made in my entire life. Just as worse as even thinking of helping Shard.

It felt horrible, being dragged outside like I was a criminal, and thrown to the dirt in front of the entire town. I saw Galacta and Kaseki try to run to my side, but when the guards approached me, their weapons at the ready, they just stopped. No one wanted to cross the Queen, and now that I’m writing this, I sincerely don’t blame them. I wouldn’t wish any of this upon anyone else. The Queen stood at the top of the stairs, trying to make herself intimidating and powerful compared to those she thought below her, including myself. She unraveled that golden contract again, holding it out to show to my people.

“Let this be a lesson to those who dare stand against me! In my hand, I hold the contract your Mayor has willfully signed when she took office! The contract she had intentionally violated!” I think she was stalling slightly to decide what to do with me. I prayed that she would have mercy, but I knew that there was nothing I could do anymore. None of us could do anything. Not even her own guards could stop her.

A pair of ghostly hands of pitch and scarlet appeared, and… the next moments, even now, are a complete blur. I don’t know what happened, but I knew that I… In that pain, that feeling of being lost and abandoned, that agony… I thought of my family, I thought of what would happen to me, and what lives we could’ve had if this never happened. And I thought of Shard… Did he go through something like this? This pain, this agony that I was living through at that moment? I… was unconscious for a moment. Again, what happened, I had no idea. It must’ve been so terrifying, so painful if I completely blocked it out, even now. The guards seemed deeply shaken, and the people seemed horrified, but the Queen… Kamenshi tried to help me up, and I saw that… that look on her face… She was so… so… How could she be so happy about this? She wasn’t just happy, she was fucking revelling in this horror show. She walked over to me, and just said to me, “This is just the start, prophet. So long as I hold the throne, you will never know a moment of peace.” She… left soon after…

The curse she placed on me, I don’t quite know how to describe it. I thought, at first, that she had stolen my voice, like the witch from one of those old stories. But she must’ve thought that was too cliche, because she didn’t steal my voice. Rather, she completely distorted my ability to speak normally ever again. Only speaking in riddles and confusing phrases. I.. still don’t know what I’m saying, compared to what I’m thinking of saying. I can’t even say “hello” or “I love you” without getting confused myself. While I so deeply wish I could make her take back this curse… I know that I did the right thing. What I know, the visions I’ve had, the lives I’ve helped, it could all be stolen away at just a moment’s notice if she had gotten her hands on my journals, and especially if I had told her everything she wanted to know.

Galacta is standing guard outside the room. I don’t think he’s going to sleep, and I don’t blame him. He blames himself for letting her even lay a hand on me. I think this is going to be the first in a long line of sleepless nights, with pillows soaked in tears.

January Fifth, 1634.

I was making my daily rounds through the town today, checking in on how everyone was (to the best of my ability with my spouses busy) when I had seen a pair of men wandering around. I hadn't seen them very often as a child, but I believe that they have been here before I was born… Actually, not even Mama is sure of how long they’ve been here. She said they were here before she moved here. Something interesting that she mentioned, however, was that they always took caution to hide themselves from the Queen during her surprise visits, and despite their mockery and joking, they usually keep to themselves. I don’t even think anyone knows their names.

When I greeted them, they said to not worry about apologising immediately about not having a translator or writing out my sentences on a piece of paper instead. “We can understand you even if others can’t,” they said to me. One of the twins walked heavily on the one side, and had to use a cane to relieve the pressure, but the other, despite looking in just as frail of a condition, was walking fine. It was odd to see them walking and moving; despite their movements being completely fluid, there were… moments in which it looked like they were fighting their own bodies in a way. Like they were moving slightly too far or slightly too little than they wanted to.

I didn’t want to be rude through my conversation, but… it was a bit difficult to properly phrase my questions and my answers to their own questions. They didn’t answer a lot of them, though. That was understandable; I was still a complete stranger to them, and if they thought I was still working with the Queen, it… would be more than understandable for them to ignore me. I won’t break my vow to protect my people, however. There is nothing she could do to make that happen. I hope that I can keep this courage I have at the time of writing this.

-

Fylass in Wonderland belongs to @george228732

Aeon and Cresunsa belong to me

Queen Somnia belongs to @stardustshimmer

Tenebra and Celesta Knight belongs to @lucent-nargacuga

Shard/Lucid and Buddy belongs to @lostsoulau-ask

Kurabe and Fettuccine belong to @kachikirby

Dero belongs to @monsterhatdoodles

Chaos belongs to @galakianexplosion

Ava belongs to @avathestarwarrior

#yes i had to tag everyone even if they're mentioned literally once shut up #and yes i've made another fanfic of the fanfic #no one can stop my fanfic-ception #aeon #aeon caldera #lucidreamer #shard knight #fylass in wonderland #tw violence #violence tw #violence cw #cw violence

[shipskicksandgiggles]

dialogue prompts

for those who don't know, my life is bonkers and I cope by making prompt lists out of the more bizarre things I say/people say to me/I hear by being in proximity of equally weird people. send a number with a character/ship/dynamic of your choosing and I'll do what I can

“So I may have accidentally recruited your ex to help me move.” “I’m so sorry, was he awful?”

“How’s living next to a construction site?” “I prefer the sound of people playing pool.” “That bad, huh?”

“You’re the main character!” “Stop saying I’m the main character, I have been the snarky, comic relief my whole life and I’m not stopping now.”

“I can’t quit my job, I can’t quit my job-” “What happened?” “Some guy wanted to talk to me about his prostate.” “Don’t you work at a library?”

“So because I’m me, I made a spreadsheet about it.” “You’re incredible.”

“You signed me up for a job interview?” “Yeah.”

“You’re not going to believe what he said.” “I find that hard to believe, try me.”

“I accidentally gave you so many traits.” “Hey, I had autism first.”

“I let you kiss me one time-” “It has been more than one time.”

“Were you here for the male model thing?” “No?”

“Have fun!” “Kill me.” “Or just don’t kill anyone I guess.”

“If you call Latin a dead language one more time I’m going to throw myself across this desk at you.”

“I’m going to ask you a question and you’re going to feel attacked.” “Fine.” “Why does it have to be that way?”

“I just took a quiz for fun and accidentally did geometry by hand.” “Nerd.”

“I’d wear shorts.” “It’s snowing.”

“You have a very expressive face.” “I don’t like that you noticed that.”

“When do you leave?” “In like an hour, why?” “Can you build things?” “Yes, but I repeat, why?”

“So here I am, sitting and talking about amputations-” “I have absolutely no idea where this is going, but I love it.”

“Did the raccoon get into the attic again?”

“It’s 8:30 in the morning on a Saturday, something better actually be on fire.” 

“Is a potato a vegetable?” 

“Everything you do is calculated.” “You make me sound like a robot.”

“I’m so sorry, I’m going to be late.” “Everything okay?” “Yeah, no, I’m fine, I just may have broken my foot and I need to go to urgent care.” “That is… the opposite of fine.”

“Don’t question why I know how to pop the screen out of a window.” “Our fucking door won’t open, as long as we can get outside, I don’t care.”

“So Thursday was a bad day for you then?”

“You used to be buff.” “I thought you were going to say something entirely different, but I guess we’re going this way then.”

“How are you not freaking out right now?” “I’ve been living with this for months now dude, this is just entertainment for me.”

“I was elected most responsible at summer camp when I was five.” “Some things never change.”

“I had a chemistry teacher in high school who could write with both hands at the same time. She needed an exorcism.”

“The age of the child you hit with your car determines the number of points you get.”

“How’d the meeting go?” “I think I came out as gay to the entire board.” “What the fuck.”

“This is probably the only dick pic I’ll ever get and that’s okay.”

“Oh my god, I out-autismed the whole group chat.”

“No more kisses until you stop apologizing for being human.” “That’s not fair, you know that’ll work on me.”

“I can feel my bones.” “That’s not ideal”

“You dumb bitch.” “It worked, didn’t it?”

“Good news, you've just unlocked my niche special interest that I can and will talk for at least ten minutes straight about. Are you ready to learn?”

“You know what I’m talking about, you do not have the moral high ground.”

“I’m going to be so real with you, I literally hate this. Like this sucks.”

“I don’t think you understand that this is the greatest news I’ve ever been given. Like genuinely, this is the happiest I’ve been in weeks.”

“Good to know you would have died very early in the Middle Ages.”

“Is that a mosquito bite? Dude, it’s March.”

“You know you’re going to have a good day when the maintenance guy says ‘well that’s different’.”

“Yeah, I don’t know, the last time I cried I think it was December.” “It’s April?” “Hey, the time before that it was July, so.”

“No wait, turn up the music. Never mind, I thought it was the Law and Order theme.” “Do you think I have the Law and Order theme on a CD in my car?”

“Please don’t assault my boyfriend.” 

“Would you like a new best friend? Because I think I found your new best friend.”

“Guess who had a baby.” “No.” 

“What is the purpose of nipple rings?” “Decoration.” “Like a Christmas tree!”

“I honestly don’t know how to be a person anymore. Please don’t contact me for 3-5 business days while I sort that out.”

#ellis writes #prompts #writing prompts #dialogue prompts #send asks #if I can remember the context for half of these it will be a miracle

[toinfinitywinning]

this is get to know you time. the cringy name game at every camp in the world you do with toilet paper. enough.

Conversations and thoughts resembling the same level of random and incongruence of my Apple Music library. like Josh Groban is to Eminem: Mercy Me. a lot about everything that’s not a hashtag bc it just needs more attention.

Let the first (post) be first:

Hi. I’ve never done this before (like a seriously grown up blog on purpose. Just when just followed sad somewhat desperate poetry with a random live-laugh-love meme in there somewhere.) and Pitch Perfect.

BUT.

For 2 years I’ve had Long-Haul COVID. It’s a different kind of lonely

Thanks so much, amirite? —Gen-Z apologies if I didn’t use that jumbled acronym-word correctly.

It’s hard to keep up.

See? What am I talking about now and how did I get there…

Due to a very common symptom of LHC…

Again—hard to keep up. It’s there. Tho

And I have a lot of quirk so it’s possible I think you’ll “get” but are just nice not to tell me

BUT.

It’s already gone. Train left the Station yesterday.

Slipped on a penny.

Not Good. not even funny.

Teens with the gorgeous graffiti have to Go elsewhere. I’ve always been jealous of that kind talent.

Whole lot better than something else shiny thrown on the track and it’s derailed. There’s at least some innocence in a paint can.

WOW.

I have major attention and Brain Fog hurdles to conquer or shortly bypass. You might not be able to tell b/c of how My writing jumps around so infrequently.

Not true but still easier.

Mostly innocent and playful.

Sadly the attention part is this many years young.

Writing comes naturally. As it always has, strangely...

And why is healing so exhausting? Writing is therapeutic but My body says—can you not?

i know im not the only one asking that!

As if I have time for that too.

find a community of people suffering just as similarly and gain strength, tips and tricks.

Just, speak-screen edit my writing for me. Maybe a clarification fact-✔.

Just not wherever Tr*mp gets his.

Could be Truth Social. Monthly fee tho will cost you your Red Hat.

MYGAbad

Speaking I struggle with processing w/e skills I must have held onto.

BUT.

Since 2 years is quite. some. time.—I’ve shared many struggles and victories.

Like a Bell curve. Or a punk Domino falling then lining them up takes longer just to go down again in half the time. Repeat.

It’s very likely I Will try to talk about many things at once.

I really can’t help that. LOL.

Jury’s still out but I get most of my writing and miscellaneous musings from mom.

Dad can write the best, longest, and precious prayers and notes.

Almost delicately but like you KNOW he’s giving you a hug.

A Good mix tape’s paper Version.

Enter Run on sentences. Truly a stream by now.

Although my brain muscle is weak I’ve been encouraged by several people to Start a blog. Someday I’ll include the past 2 years of w/e pics are on other SocMed.

I can’t think of anything worse.

Yea, okay LOL.

Judgment free. Occasionally… like normal doses then have to work through that.

Mostly that’s because I knew nothing about anything before I opened My computer and started sharing My thoughts under zero context ridden or form at all.

More likely as well to offend and piss someone off. Well done you’re now one less friend popular. There’s an App for that tho-tracking people Who don’t like you.

Not sure where I’ll land with this. It may not land you either.

Because like a lot of us. Sometimes you don’t get to talk actually. No Room.

I like routine; that’s out. So it gets dull.

I’ve learned I hadn’t yet given myself the space to see all of things I can do sitting down.

But. By “given” I mean to say that perhaps I didn’t know it was there.

One Good thing I’ve gathered from this Hell.

Hell fresh by the Day! Never frozen.

So at that time and in this case of my life; sitting is fine.

Some of it isn’t too bad. The writing. You will find questionable punctuation. Run on sentences that I was running.

Relevance at all.

All around Confusion…altho connect the dots could have been seen as practice.

Or annoying even. I’d have no words.

I truly don’t set out to be funny. I could never do stand-up or improv. Or act.

Humor forced just takes and receives too much energy that might come off insincere.

Nothing on command.

Like Matt Perry’s brilliant improv wit it just doesn’t hit the same.

B/c it was scripted.

A syllabus for it Imagine.

The horn to jump off the swim block.

It’s when Life feels more scripted a lot of people close up.

That’s because you’re not in charge anymore. I’ve lost the Power.

Don’t prefer caring about whether someone likes me like I used to.

I believe you can snooze me for 30 days or say ‘I’m done w/ her’ and send Me to the cyberarchives.

Okay. Okay.

So—90% of the time I’m witty and sarcastic with a bit of cynicism, discomfort (for you), and pettifogging.

I write primarily about the questions of intersectionality.

How do things fit.

Let’s Fit it.

Until I figured out physics and calculus and basic math were behind a career in architecture and the classes I would have to take, I enjoyed taking things apart to make something else.

Not always pretty.

Could be Good what I took apart was the best thing we can’t see.

Like I’m writing questions but with wisdom not meaning to do that either,

A lot of people don’t like that. You do you! Baby.

I don’t mean to be at all harsh or hurtful. I try not to say that anything vainly.

I say it b/c a lot of what I’m writing is all of every piece of stream of consciousness tallied.

And it was a synapse connecting another.

Maybe that’s the creative part? The other side of My Brain is telling Me to ✔ on the other side so I’m like…crickets.

What I write is stream of consciousness, brutally honest and to some might be lightly offensive. In College writing this Way would’ve absolutely driven Me crazy.

Then life steps in and bonks u on the head with a newspaper but 15 years later returns the favor with an iPhone.

Or too blunt. And comes across as harsh. And that’s mostly because if I don’t have an emoji to match my real-life broken ღ I’m breaking up with you.

Self reflection: impulsive

I used to journal so much growing up.

When did I lose that innocence?

We can’t talk about folding paper into cranes and witchcraft finger fortune games anymore?

No more MASH?

Huh, maybe you weren’t born this Way. Ur Parents just drew circles nearest each other or your apple stem twist broke too soon and you want a partner whose name starts with P.

Very often I overshare. If you’re reading this this is not brand new information. No ability to say things simply. Think I’ve already. That can put me really vulnerable to more bitcoin hacks.

And then you need to figure out what bitcoin is. And whether Mario can collect coins as well in place of the hackers.

I’d say ask Tom Brady b/c of his investments but since retirement he’s been pretty deflated.

Mean people that mean to hurt.

First of all I feel sorry for you. Not in a poor you tho.

People Who hurt on purpose don’t often have any Way to vent or get a rise other than evoke feelings in and deflect toward a schoolmate.

Skip back to the part I tried talking about vulnerability. It truly is the invisible cloak and no one can see you but nothing makes sense still and you’ve only fixed what’s on the outside. Now you’re peeved AND cloaked.

At this conjunction junction next I’d suggest try shopping at Target opposed to Abercrombie then.

Feet in the water right above bankruptcy to see how things could be different only what…if?

Good ♧ seriously.

So there’s more grace given when you fall. When it’s not your month Day or even year!

Nobody is there for you!!

And My cloak is getting rained on.

Maybe gathering strength from falling will come a common sense with a 6th one but with seriously meaningful things I’ve learned and less hard knock’s Life for us.

The hard Way.

The bottom’s still there and it actually stinks stinks. Discouraging b/c there are two sides to the bottom of the cave full of stalagTITES and mites.

All the up’s and down’s. Right there. And the COVID-19 bat OMG!

You know you may not be able to fall any further further but once you’re up again you’re wondering whether you should get some cement to close that thing off.

Choose to live! But welcome to the real world—it sucks—ur gonna Love it.

Almost 4got. In the cave you dont always have to wait for Jesus to be resurrected if that metaphor comforts you but if change comes and it requires a whole new worm can of Life we already can’t handle that gets us outta the dank I don’t think we need to ask permission to the rights of that Bible passage.

BUT.

Until YOU are ready for change...

Forget it. At least you meant well. Someone can guide that horse to water but it stays pretty hydrated, so he says he’s Good. Promise. The only talking animal and it was Me Who got to hear it. More importantly, who’s gonna ☊? Care? There’s a country song finding out Who your Friends are. A lot stay lost and it’s not helpful all our Friends aren’t the same.

Missing a Good chance to find out if you’re in a similar predicament and that not always a bad thing.

At times I have literally had to be lifted off the floor.

I don’t do this at all for pity. As you read, My Pride is the biggest obstacle to let Go.

When you do?

The hard way through this.

I am angry and irritable for bouts. Sometimes I’m silly and invite karma punishments.

Go all Brimstone and every type fire and the Old Testament has nothing New-thinking and no one new to add to it. SMH. Nail a list on the wooden church door reading it is nearing endgame. Or, Just open your hotel drawer and tear out the back half.

So change then— If it were Me and it has been just not an actual hole I’d be outta there due to the spiders and crickets alone. Jiminy’s Cool.

If u can’t change and just stay a novice bunny hill—fine! Stay there. Build some confidence through experience.

And isn’t that another thing? Something specific motivates the fire under your (cuckoo!) and before you’d see the dark without any End of the tunnel and more importantly with the light aspect. All the sudden you care b/c what? It applies to you of course be selfish. Fascinating yet humbling.

Then there’s the ‘Why Me’ (?) phase? Not fully pitiful but just pretentious enough to resume the trailblaze. Bad attitude with a healthy dose of are we there yet and trying to Balance whether someone is saying …’they get it; you always feel bad’ so…KY Basketball banter? Ashamed accompanies too bc thing is a few times I did kind of scoff at phrases like I always feel bad. Like, here’s 2 Extra strength Tylenol.Alright, Ok, come test for Covid 1/29/22. It shouldn’t take going through something to empathize with or change but you could’ve listened for longer with a clear mind. Just cannot wrap your head around it and I think sometimes that’s okay. What’s next I’ll try so hard.

+ It’s 12:01am of 1/29/24 (so last night), you still can’t do math and/or struggle to add or subtract 12 so aren’t entirely sure its your sophomore year orientation, and you already surrender to what you didn’t want to get up for in the first place. Kind of silly u set the alarm! B/c Pain, confusion, Discomfort and a Deep loneliness that has very little to do with people awaits. That whole scenario is a disaster but look who’s standing and GOT. UP. period. 15 years ago that’s where I’d be. Just defeated.

THAT. Is enough some days. I say that to you struggling to believe the same but know Deep down.

Year 2 longhaul and youre wondering why there are anniversaries at all given about half are always sad or tragic. Evoking the worst on what could be the best. Might be something To think 2 minutes ago you’d ended your prayer to have a better Day. Of anything is true about everything happens for a reason I’d say having to chooose how to respond given you have the privilege at all to that just means were normal. B/c ill be honest I would not

I’m angry. WHAT is so complicated about your lack of Faith or belief prayer must go into an encrypted iCloud even the FBI can’t retrieve or interpret. Never had a chance! But I’ll add that it’s worth noting prayer doesn’t deal with its existence in transaction currencies..

Feel less Pain but feel more with it or stronger now. Or, just plain ‘ol numb. Similar to Addiction I suppose people get so used to being healthy one Way or another they don’t even notice better OR worse and no one is getting married.

Truth is.

Yea.

I’m in Hell, but I’m not on a ventilator. I’m not without relentless Support.

I still can smile but laugh just a bit before it hurts.

Something is always worse.

SomeONE is doing worse.

Somewhere and definitely rn.

I never knew I’d be dealing greed of perspective for this Long.

Something you’ll never find out about that changed your life’s trajectory where an explanation would have only confused things.

Then we still have the chance to be astonished and then genuine bc of that. Thankful. Expectant. With Faith somehow. Maybe carrying someone else’s Hope for a while might burden you less for a short time.

You dont need to see eye struggle and suffering. You dont need examples. You just know. There’s a fleeting peace u might not see again for 2 days but in knowing it’s not just you with the same bs going on.

Like here. Here is someone who needs support but in a different Way but how unique it could be to trade just for a bit. It’s not leg day this time remember u agreed a temp trade.

We don’t have to know everything. Most of the time I don’t give God the time to keep up w/ Me let alone do anything miraculous before I just hang up.

Although My Life was headed in a completely renewed direction in so many ways of recovery—

I got sick. Not because it was meant to be.

Because COVID. Possibly a rabid bat. Cracked vile or petri-dish

Everything does not happen for a reason and ppl dont like hearing that bc its an easy out. Says time might go on but this thorn wont ever heal. How do we respond? that’s the most authentic and a strength yes or no wand.

I hate cliché. Thing is tho…I think we all hate it b/c it doesn’t hold us accountable. Eh it’s fine.

Unfortunately we wouldn’t have the pretty, surprise, one of the Walk to Remember walks. All up to the of healing and forgiveness individual to each of us.

If for Me that means ive healed all I can and I’m counting on research to help Me out some more maybe I just keep going. Trust Me nothing is forgotten but you do know now that at least you were strong and capable enough to figure all that at all. And—I can do that. Some days aren’t that kind.

Maybe it becomes a goal we never anticipated but ✔ your resilience at the ticket line and saddle up, honey.this donkey only holds ____ lbs. let some things Go. That thing will still only walk in a circle but you’ve evenly distributed your baggage.

The feeling of pure joy. Which btw does still require a thesaurus b/c it is NOT the same as joy. Like a preventative Med to an acute one.

Then feel Accomplishment.

Not knowing what’s next but trying to be prepared.

It’s a surprise party we never RSVP’d and don’t regret it.

And it’s a Good thing u got outbid for that yacht.

Hell, tho, you won’t be forgotten but pushing helps the donkey move faster for now that is acceptable.

Unshun. Reshun. (This will make sense if you Watch the Office)

Flee fly. Be gone. Thankfully we hope to come out more resilient after the rip and tear and often not fully repaired sewing lessons.

But perhaps the biggest trait I’ve had to work on is My Pride. I want to do it.

I’ll give myself 3 strikes. 4 balls.

Then I walk to First.

Please do not get Me a gift.

I Love you and that was so sweet.

Would I be as generous?

Do u work, yea. It’s just one really hurts more and being tough isn’t tough at all if it’s not helping the worst hurt.

Those are sitting down, timeout thoughts.

The compression socks need to breathe.

But once the Pride slides over, let go, I get to know how it feels to very tangibly be taken care of and watched over.

Patience. The other side of a rant.

Later on that.

My main goal is to learn. Connect. Be called out if something comes off really tasteless.

Laugh at things that don’t have anything to do with being chronically sick. Laugh about what Medicine u had to administer and royally failed.

Sometimes all coupled with a handicap car-tag. No crutches either b/c I don’t like hearing I Will get better. It is a nice statement but it is impossible to be sure. Ive struggled with that b/c I know everyone believes that and means well I’ve just taken prior sick Gentry’s generalization and multiplied.

I am not making light. I think part of me is using the sarcasm as a coping mechanism.

Praise God there is something that does help the pain or at least distract from that Pain just not the one in your legs.

A codependency just a bit less severe. Embarrassing. Reason for judgment. Too easy.

If you can believe it—-I am not the same person I was 2 years ago.

For now I truly don’t know how. Pain can leave, anything traumatic can be worked on. You’ve got your scars.

I actually really think a scar is just unique as a snowflake or fingerprint. Telling so many stories. B/c a scar does mean something has healed. And it never forgets at one time it was painful. I’d prefer to see what I accomplish but I see wonder and beauty in them.

Things get pretty deep, complicated and downright pitifully sad. Vulnerable. Frighteningly true and relevant.

So I take what Good I can get in that day and pray those with LHC (Long-Haul COVID-19)

Be released.

However. On the flip tail’s side.

I’m 35 years aware there are some people who just don’t like me.

Until recently I wouldn’t have meant ‘sorry not sorry.’

I do now. To a respectable extent.

Reader discretion is advised. I promise I never set out to hurt anyone.

definitely not on purpose.

Because. Idgaf. Not bars being held. Que sera, sera.

complete transparency and seriously tho this doesn't mean i dont care. i wear my heart on my sleeve like a ding-dong ready to get hurt.

call it a diversion. we were on a break.

i just might take all of whatever hits wrong and turn that in to whatever ounce of assurance I can with the openness and to the best capability to learn new things and grow with compassion.

And back to writing—may already be just engrained but I don’t ever have a thesis, 3 supporting ideas or a better word then a conclusion.

You might find yourself confused. Reading it again prob won’t help.

Some will be really bad. Ugly. Waste of time. it was at least therapeutic for me.

Already is.

Even more might not make sense.

Read at your own risk, basically.

I have confidence but not really. Just enough not to care to change.

But I think about it. Because I’m wrong a lot.

challenge me. ill try to get through the fog.

But a lot of things have changed. in ways i might not even know Beauty in the Mess.

To sum up the above (sorry, there won’t be another summary after this disclaimer’s commercial intermission.)

I want to be as positive as possible.

Be in control of what I can. Ask for help for what I cannot.

I’m so ready to get My Life back. Trust Me and trust anyone Who tells your theyre in constant pain.

Really embarrassing I used to kind of scoff and be empathetic.

Funny how youre so sure of things.

Until it happens to you.

Suddenly it’s back to the drawing board and humility.

I wear my ღ on my sleeve. My greatest superpower and kryptonite.

What you read is as close to what you get as possible.

Balance can be unfair.

Please know that I care. I try harder than I ever had before. There are things I didn’t even Imagine could happen to someone when sick.

In all the ways I want to come out of this even better than what I envy I was entering into when I got sick.

There will be a WIDE range of thoughts similar to how i write. Mostly Sports and public figures and the politics I can comprehend.

B/c I know there’s someone out there who’s homeless because of this diagnosis. Or was deadly. Fired.

Divorced.

Ive become a bit of a nerd. Childish in some ways b/c you have to be creative…to be creative.

How do I even Start philosophizing that? So I don’t.

So I try My best to be the best I can. Inspire. Elicit laughter and new ways of thinking.

Questions.

Really tho? I just wanna be me.

thank you so sincerly to anything fromn a meme to a gift to a hug a prayer a smile, company, vibes if they can travel

but most of all

for holding hope when ive not been strong enough to.

For better or worse

for loving me.

making me feel heard.

idk what tomorrow holds but if its the same as today ill know at least i can make it and i am still beyond blessed and cared for and loved unconditionally.

even if forever.

wanna feel free, free.

to be me unabandoned.

changed for the better without knowing it.

some people dont have that option.

or even less the resource or safety to write about it.

Lastly mostly—I’m thankful for Insurance and the ability and privilege to work from home. And. Still have a job in general.

A Family and Family reserves holding me.

gentry.gonna.gents/g3

next. and if you made it this far, bless you.

thank you.

you mean more than you know to me. to anyone miscellaneous thanks as well and to my family and extended family and friends and job and insurance.

im in better shape than a lot. perspective sucks in the throes. selfish not selfish but my gosh turn the lights off. each journey is sooo different, but idk find the goodness and inspiration inbtw. There will be a rainbow soon enough, I wont make the bold claim and promise you one tho,

semi lastly and vulnerably, we've all been hurt. all going through something.

I say this every time something really bad happens. Ya know the ‘this is even worse,’ talk.

This one holds every candle.

Funny not funny none are the same and you’re never fully prepared.

and no one knows what it is you’re dealing.

give grace when I can’t sometimes.

cliché’s be damned lets just golden rule it b/c that one’s hard to do too but it sounds cute and Idont see a periodic table saying A! U! Be nice and welcoming.

I know I’ve forgotten something.

So I’ll fight.

But I still get to complain.

Feeling so entitled to this ill.

Sincerely,

Gentry

no ps you're welcome

#first blog #chronic illness #hope #authenticity #love #long covid #honesty hour #mental health #health and wellness #sports #kentucky #family #work from home #inspiration #freedom #respect #best doctors #covid19 #covid #random #sappy #politics #shoes #sunglasses #shirts #electronic #christianity #progressive politics #peace

[strawbrygashez]

Postal OC (Beachtime Dude) x Postal 2 Dude

The worst

Hiiii :) I made a postal oc a while back called Beachtime Dude but never made a fic with him until now! Like his name suggests he’s a beach themed Dude! He’s a stereotypical surfer Dude basically. The idea for him kinda came from just Ken from Barbie and doll swimsuit lines being called stuff like “Beachtime fun 🤪”. His nickname is Ken bc of that :D uhhhhHHH YEA I HOPE U ALL LIKE THIS 👍

————————————————————————

“Yknow, you’re probably the worst version of myself I’ve ever came across.” Dude said matter-of-factly from across the table as he took another scoop out of the ice cream the other Dude had bought for him. Yes the same one who he was currently bad mouthing. The blonde raised a eyebrow but didn’t look too fazed as he tossed the frisbee Champ and his own dog, Pal, had brought back to him. “Is that so? Would love to know why.” Was all he replied with as he watched Champ and his golden retriever kick up sand as they carelessly chased after the toy.

‘Would love to know why’ Dude repeated in his head with a scowl. There are so many reasons why he was the worst but they all pretty much equated to this version of Dude being too perfect. He was too sane to be a Postal Dude..and just too different in general. The man had blonde hair and a sculpted body for Christ sakes. He honestly looked sculpted by the Gods while most Postal Dudes Dude knew were ginger and on the skinny side or like in his own case, flabby. It pissed him off. Not to mention that the blonde, in the three days Dude had been stranded and stuck with him, hadn’t shown a single moment of his mask of sanity slipping. He hasn’t seen one instance of the other seeming pissed off by the world or pissed at himself. It just didn’t make sense. He wasn’t even annoying sly like the Postal Dude with the brown trench coat was. He was just some ‘ordinary’ Dude by the looks of it…it wasn’t fair and oh god did he hope there wasn’t more like him. He couldn’t take another version of himself that was basically a ‘what could have been’ being rubbed in his face.

Of course he didn’t need to really know that right now however. Dude just sighed and watched the blonde for a moment longer. “Ken?” He asked. The blonde looked over and took his sunglasses off before he began to rub the lens against his the bottom of his tight shirt, probably to get the sand off or something. “Hm?”

“Do you really spend all your time just chilling at the beach? Like.. you aren’t always running around.. living the busy life?” Dude asked before again, taking another bite of his ice cream, trying to ignore the fact this other Dude had insanely mesmerizing light blue eyes (another thing he hated him for). “Mhm. Well- occasionally I help organize events for the beach or beaches near by.. or help bring awareness to keeping them clean by having people sign petitions. Other than that I mostly just take it easy.. and get up to things I wanna get up to.” Ken explained as he continued to rub away at his sunglasses and once he was happy with them, he slid them back on.

Dude felt like if he scowled anymore at the other he’d get stuck that way. Really? This guy was one of those ‘keep the earth green’ hippie guys too? He was more like a young Unlce Dave if anything else. Ok not that Dude was against the message but y’know…again he wasn’t like any other Postal Dude he’d met.. he seemed like too much of a goodie two shoes. Dude decided to yet again basically repeat himself from earlier “You suck.” Ken rolled his eyes with a grin before taking the spoon Dude was using from his hand and taking his own scoop of Dudes frozen treat. “For what? Caring about something important? I’m so sor-”

“Has anything shitty happened to you before? Ever?” Dude blurted out without really thinking about it.. and by Kens expression, he could tell that he was maybe catching on to Dudes jealousy.. or at least train of thoughts. Ken only looked at him a moment longer before bringing the spoon up to his mouth and yep, put it in his mouth even though it had just been in Dudes. “Yeah? I guess… Had a bit of a uh..traumatic at home life with my parents. But I don’t exactly wanna get into it.” Oh.. well Dude of course wasn’t going to celebrate that but at least Ken seemed a little more relatable with this now known fact. “Oh… sorry.” was all Dude offered in return.

They sat in silence for a bit in the sunset as Ken took a couple more bites. The silence had been alright for them both for awhile but Dude could tell there was something on Kens mind. It only just now occurred to him that maybe just randomly asking someone you didn’t exactly have the closest bond to yet about their possible troubled past wasnt the best idea. He was about to try to get some sort of apology out until Ken held up a finger as though he was about to speak before he swallowed his spoonful of ice cream.

“If you don’t have the best uh.. mental health or if you wanna change your mind set, have you tried exercising? It-” Dude interrupted Kens thoughts with a scoff before propping his elbow on the bench table and resting the side of his head on his hand. “What’s next? You’re gonna sell me crystals?” Dude joked with a roll of his eyes. Everyone always said the same thing when it comes to this kinda shit. Do people think it’s honestly that easy t- “if you’d let me finish…” Ken continued, now interrupting Dudes thoughts “I was going to say, I know it’s not for everyone but it helped me. I don’t even think of surfing and swimming as exercise half the time. It’s more of a hobby. I was going to say you could try finding a hobby too asshole…” he said with a tease as he just twirled the spoon a bit in his hands, still watching Dude in front of him, even ignoring when the dogs came back with the frisbee and dropped it by his feet.

“Don’t have time for ‘em. It’s always something or another going on with me. I haven’t quite figured out the way to be a beach bum and relax all day in a little travel camper thing like you yet so..” Dude trailed off with a grin. Ken ignored the ‘bum’ part for now as he sighed and looked over to the ocean to the left of him. The waves had calmed down quite a bit and not many people were still hanging around.. not many people stayed very late on weekdays anyways. The few people who were still on the beach were just relaxing near the shore line while others were swimming in the water.. and that’s when Ken got a idea.

He turned back to Dude and was suddenly grinning but before Dude could say anything, Ken took another scoop and held it up to Dudes mouth. “Here. Hurry up ‘busy boy’. I got a idea”

Dude felt his cheeks heat up a bit at the nickname as he roughly pulled the plastic spoon out of Kens hand and into his own, making the scoop of ice cream fall onto his own pants. “Whatever…I can feed myself you weirdo. Just give me a second.” Dude grumbled. Ken didn’t seem to mind though as he suddenly got up and tossed his own trash away in the nearby garbage can and made his way over to his little camper parked right on the sand not far away.

Dude watched with a frown as he quickly finished before tossing the empty cup out and catching up to the blonde who had opened the back doors of his camper and was rummaging in what looked like a pile of clothes for something or another. “What the hell are you doing?” Dude asked as he leaned against the back of the truck. Ken shuffled a couple things around a moment longer before he held up a pair of swimming trunks. “You said you didn’t have a swimsuit yesterday right? Well you’re going to try swimming now.”

-

It took a bit of convincing to make Dude actually try them on. Ken had to tell him that yes they were washed (even though he knew Dude really wasn’t one to give a shit about wearing clean clothes), and also yes, they’d fit and he wouldn’t look stupid. There weren’t even many people around anyways even if he did. He obviously could tell that despite the tough, rugged persona Dude put on he was pretty easily embarrassed and self conscious.. but it wasn’t anything some positive reinforcement and praise couldn’t fix. And eventually, Dude did emerge from a nearby changing stall in the ‘stupid’ trunks Ken had picked out that were just black with flames on them.

“Here. Happy? I hope you don’t expect me to go very deep by the w-”

“See!?” Ken cut him off. “Look at you! You look fine! You can even keep those if you want. I barely wear them anyways. I get so many from companies and brands that I don’t even wear the same ones more than once anymore.. anyways cmon, let’s go.” Ken said with a grin before taking Dudes wrist before Dude could go on just standing there, complaining further. Dude followed him though confused as he did so. “Companies send you shit? Why?” He asked. Ken however didn’t answer and instead slipped his hand into Dudes as they approached the shore line. Dude felt his face get a little warm again but didn’t really make move to take his hand away..he just didn’t hold Kens hand back.

“Ok. So..there isn’t anything to be afraid of okay? I don’t know what horror movies you’ve seen but it’s really not that dangerous until you swim wayyyy out.. wait do you even know how to swim?” Ken asked. Now Dude took his hand out of Kens grasp. Of course he knew how to swim. He was 26. He wasnt a child… Dude huffed. “I’m not stupid Ken. Just shut up already would ya?” He asked as he finally took a couple steps in. He was fine. The only thing bothering him was he was pretty sure he already stepped on a sea shell but it didn’t matter. Ken watched him with a grin before shrugging. “Whatever man. I’m still making you actually swim a bit.”

-

And the whole thing.. turned out less annoying than Dude thought it would. The water felt really refreshing against Dudes already ‘old’ and warn our body.. especially when Ken wasnt making actually swim out some (with his help.. Dude had gotten a little rusty and forgot how to really swim so some help was needed. Which Ken actually kindly gave) and allowed him to relax. The time together actually made Dude a lot less pissy with him earlier as they shared some laughs, stupid life stories, and some nice moments together. They barely had noticed when the sky had gotten darker until the last other person on the beach had gotten out to get dried off some.

At least Dude had watched that person leave anyways. Ken was being stupid and was under the water for some reason or another until he popped up beside Dude and flipped his wet hair back out his face and grinned. Dude wouldn’t admit it but.. damn did Ken look nice with his hair all messy with that stupid grin. “Necklace.” He randomly said. “Huh?” Ken lifted a arm out of the water and presented some necklace he definitely hadn’t had on earlier. This one had a nice, pretty sliver butterfly charm on it “Someone lost it I guess. It’s mine now.” He grinned as he moved to put it on Dude, only rolling his eyes and chuckling as Dude swam back away from him a bit at the action.

“If it’s yours why the hell are you putting it on me?!” Dude asked as he went to grab a hold of it. “Because? I wanna. Chill out. If it’s mine I can give it to whoever I want.” Ken replied with a shrug, still grinning. Dude was quiet a minute before letting go and leaving it on. “Hm.. I guess you are a little bit of shitty person then. Stealing some poor girls necklace to give to a guy you barely know.” Dude finally grinned back. “Eh, if someone loses something while swimming here they rarely have hope they’ll be able to find it again. I’ve seen like maybe.. one or two people try though and I actually helped them thank you very much.. and it’s not like I pawn the stuff I find off anyways.”

“Oh so you give them to whoever lucky girl.. or uh guy.. I guess.. you’re with for the day?” Dude teased, now slicking his own messy wet hair back too. Ken smirked and moved a bit closer to him. “Mm.. nah. I might give some away but I actually use most accessories I find in my photos online! Well the ones someone can’t be like .. totally sure it’s theirs anyways.” Ken explained. “Ah.. you post a lot of pictures online? What? You got a ‘onlysurfers’ or something?”

Ken chuckled and shook his head. “Nah. Remember how I told you I get people sending me things? I got a good social media following.. I guess you can kinda say I’m a model. It’s usually like beach life brands sending me shit. I get paid to promote their crap.” Ken explained before he glanced over to their two pups who were now just laying about on the sand. “Ugh… you’re a social media influencer? I think me and Champ are going to have to leave you soon now.” Dude teased, shoving him playfully. Truth be told, it really didn’t surprise him that Ken was a bit of a model though. Hell, if he looked like him he probably would post pictures everywhere of himself too. “Aww don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.” Ken joked as he looked back to Dude. Okay now he really was sounding like that one other ‘Postal Dude’ with the brown jacket.. maybe he was a more sane version of that specific Dude.. though he honestly didn’t give a shit about thinking about all that anymore at the moment.

-

They swam for a bit more, just talking until something felt.. really wrong and painful. Dudes face twisted into a pained look as he hissed and lunged forward onto Ken since the pain was in his foot and he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep himself up right with the painful muscle spasms. “AGH! Shit!” Dude cursed only just now realizing he’d thrown himself against Ken when Kens arms wrapped around him.. oh god. “Are you alright?” Ken asked in concern as Dude still gripped on. “Ah- sorry yeah. Got a fucking cramp from all this swimming though. Didn’t mean to grab you though let me just-..” Dude tried to shimmy away to maybe swim back to shore himself as quickly as he could but it seemed like Ken had other plans as he held onto him as he started swimming back to shore.. Dude was pretty sure he’d never been more embarrassed in his life. This shit was something out of some girls diary where she wrote about some blonde hot life guard man coming in and saving her. Dude couldn’t help but to groan and cover his face once Ken got out of the water but still held onto him, now bridal style. Ken only grinned though as he happily walked Dude over to his camper. “Poor thing.. see this is why you need to keep swimming! You can build up your tolerance and-”

“Or I could just not go swimming in the first place” Dude spat glaring at him but for some reason.. still not telling him to put him down. “Pfft. But where’s the fun in that?”

-

Eventually Ken had gotten both dogs back in the camper and shut the doors as he had Dude sit on the bed as he digged for some kinda medicine to help Dude with his pain. Dude hated how bright it was in his little camper but it was somehow better than his own trailer home.. even though it was much smaller. It was nicely decorated and not cluttered somehow and he’d somehow managed to fit a sofa in there which is what Dude had slept on the past two nights.. hell there was even a little spot inside the camper for Kens dog. How he managed it, he didn’t know.

“Sorry you’re feeling bad.. I shoulda realized you probably couldn’t swim as long as I can.” Ken said as he finally found the medication he was looking for and grabbed a water bottle before handing both to Dude. Dude shrugged and took the meds before speaking. “Not the worst pain I’ve been in. At least I had a idea that it was coming…”

Ken wasn’t exactly sure what Dude meant by that but as he looked over his body… he could probably piece it together. The other man had many odd shaped scars all over his body and with the way he was talking earlier, it wouldn’t surprise him if Dude really did get up to more.. dangerous things around town all day. It wasn’t a ugly look though, more interesting than anything else really. He’d have to ask about it eventually but as he looked up to Dude, he noticed he’d probably been checking his body out too long because his face had gone red.. it was so easy to see it too since he was your typical pale ginger. “W-what?” Dude asked, only now just remembering to turn and grab his shirt he’d left on the bed and toss it on.

Ken shook his head. “Nothing. Just.. you can take the bed tonight. I kinda accidentally pushed ya too hard. I’ll take the couch.” He said as he began to shut the blinds to some windows. It had gotten pretty late and Ken really seemed to have a much better sleep schedule down than Dude.. Dude watched for a bit, thinking to himself… The couch wasn’t terrible but, god would he be pissed if he had to let some basically ‘homeless’ guy take his bed while he slept on his couch.. that’s what Dude told himself his thought process was at least before he awkwardly coughed before speaking up.

“Uhm… you don’t- I wouldn’t mind…” Of course Dude couldn’t actually get what he wanted to say out, it was too fucking weird and embarrassing. He scratched the back of his head and looked away from Ken as he tried to think of how to continue. “Hmm?” Ken asked as he turned a light off. “Get on the damn bed.” Dude spat out awkwardly.

Ken rolled his eyes and just thought Dude was being hardheaded. So he tuned off one other light before grumbling a “fine.” And climbed onto the bed, thinking Dude would stand up but he never did. It was only when Ken laid down and Dude followed his action until he got what Dude wanted. “Oh…” He smirked, now flipping to lay on his side toward Dude. “If you wanted to cuddle you could have just asked” he teased. Dude grumbled before taking his sunglasses off and rubbing his eyes. “I can get up if you’re just going to be a ass.” Dude huffed. “No~ I’m sorry. You’re just trying to be nice. I know it’s hard for you.” Dude ignored that and just moved to actually get under the covers, which Ken did as well. Once they were both comfortable, Ken spoke up again. “Hey Dude?”

“Yea?”

“I get a.. little lonely at night. Can I hold you?” Ken asked barely holding in the laugh at the end though he was serious. Dude opened his eyes to give a mean glare at him. “Whatever. This is already gay enough as it is.”

“ I don’t know why you’re acting like it was my idea for this mr moody.” Ken said before snaking his arms around the other. Dude didn’t dignify that with a response.. well more like he didn’t know how to respond to that. He was just so tired and it did feel nice to have someone hold him like that so he just stayed quiet. And it stayed like that until they both fell asleep, gayly in the same bed.

#postal dude #postal oc #postal dude x oc #postal fanfic #sorry for any mistakes #THE LAST SENTENCE WAS A JOKE THING BTW JSJDKDG

[mrcarmenile]

not just because of hellaverse, sam haft is one of my favorite musical artists of all time. a rant/storytime brought to you by me 😜

a while before i even knew what hazbin/helluva was, i had gotten really into the living tombstone. this was during the worst time in my life. i was on a road trip through LA and california in general, and i had just discovered how fucking fire the living tombstone songs are. i remember listening to all their songs on shuffle for the next few days, when i had come across the song “long time friends.” (i know the living tombstone is both yoav landau and sam haft, and i’m not sure how much of the lyric sam haft wrote, but i’m pretty sure it was most of if not all of them.)

this song literally changed my brain chemistry. something shifted suddenly in how i perceived like everything. this is not even an exaggeration. the lyrics really fucking struck a chord with me and it was that week that the way i viewed myself and my life became SO much more positive, and just so much better. that entire song is exactly how i think, and it’s exactly how i ended up healing from some pretty rough things.

and then there’s the song “what i want”, from the same album by the living tombstone called “zero_one”. i had first heard this song i think the same day i had first heard long time friends, but i hadn’t really paid any attention to the lyrics for whatever reason. flash forward to recently, when i relistened to that song and realized that i relate deeply to every. single. lyric.

mind you, there’s not many songs i relate to. the only other songs i had related to were long time friends, and a few other songs that i only VERY loosely related to. the moment i realized how much “what i want” related to me, i nearly cried, because i had genuinely never felt so seen in my life - that sounds very dramatic, but as a person who can barely truly relate to anything or anyone, it was a crazy and new experience. that song is literally EXACTLY what i went through just over a year ago, and it’s just so cathartic to be able to have a song that so closely relates to my emotions and the hardships i’ve had to face.

flash forward to today, and i am literally playing his completely solo song “pretending” from his EP “bad times” on repeat because this song is a damn banger. you guys should listen to it i literally love it it’s SO GOOD???

anyways sam haft is insane at music and i’m slightly biased toward his music because it’s the only music i relate to but no one can listen to his hellaverse songs and tell me he can’t write BANGERS 🤨🤨🤨

i will forever be grateful for him and his music bc at the moment he is like my entire music taste from his solo music to hazbin hotel to the living tombstone - the songs he writes and co-writes are just so fucking me dude like he needs to get out of my head NOT TO MENTION LOSER BABY IS EXACTLY HOW I COMFORT PEOPLE? THAT’S EXACTLY HOW I VIEW THINGS??? sam haft tweeted about how the positive nihilism that inspired loser baby got him out of a very tough time and the positive nihilism HE wrote (long time friends) got ME out of a very tough time and it’s like the universe has come full circle or some shit

fucking love that guy 👊

#thanks for coming to my ted talk #sam haft #the living tombstone #hazbin hotel soundtrack

[manifestingkai]

💫 Self-concept in manifesting as a neurodivergent (ND) person: a (long) post

(For the people who are able to “just assume” this post may not be for you, and that is okay!)

The first thing I’m going to say is that self-concept ≠ self-love. It’s not having to revise every bad experience or doing shadow work or any of that. Self-concept is what you assume to be true about yourself, how you assume others see you, yourself in relation to things.

Many of us (me included) have a long history of trauma, mental health, negative experiences that began in my early years. These things all shaped the things I assumed about myself, people, money, relationships, the world in general. And most of my assumptions were negative.

EXAMPLE:

I spent most of my life believing (assuming) that everyone I loved would leave me and that money was difficult to come by and I had to work hard to get it.

This was taught to me through adults in my life and through experiences. I persisted in those assumptions for years, so that’s what I experienced for years. I could never believe anyone loved me despite all the proof staring me in the face that I was loved and wanted. I believed those things to be true so they always eventually reflected back to me.

After years of believing things to be a certain way, we also learn to expect things to continue to be this way (law of expectancy). This is true whether we have positive or negative assumptions. Some of us have great assumptions about money and career, bad assumptions about love.

Taking into account experiencing trauma or mental health issues, the idea of changing our concept of self can be incredibly daunting and scary as fuck. I know that, I’ve been there too. Some days I still am (though the days are much fewer). We stay in negative thought patterns because those are where we’ve lived for so long, and even though we’re not happy there it is comfortable to our brains bc we are used to it. But those assumptions can be changed, we are in fact masters at self concept already.

SELF CONCEPT AND THE BRAIN:

The brain rewires through repetition. We repeat a thought over and over (4D), it reflects into our physical reality (3D). What you are thinking about all the time becomes an assumption and becomes true. It is really that simple.

Other people are mirrors, they reflect your dominant beliefs/assumptions about yourself back to you. If you continuously think that you are unloved, unwanted, not chosen, not committed to etc. they have no choice but to reflect that back to you.

If you are always thinking about being lovable, loved, chosen, wanted, the same is true.

Affirmations are a great tool to self soothe anxiety and to change your assumptions about yourself. We think all day everyday, we can shift those assumptions.

HOW TO DO IT:

The most effective way I know of to change my assumptions is to figure out what the current ones are and if they’re negative, teach myself to think the opposite.

Examples:

they never choose me → everyone always puts me first

money is hard for me to get → money is easy for me to get

Figuring out what your negative assumptions are and choosing new thoughts that are the direct opposite of them is one way to change them.

DO I HAVE TO FLIP EVERY NEGATIVE THOUGHT?

This answer depends on you and your brain. Some people will have a thought pop up and flipping each one causes more. Others can flip and keep going. Fear, doubt, old thoughts are your ego trying to protect you.

A negative or opposing thought may pop up and you can gently remind yourself that this is your new story and you don’t identify with old thoughts anymore, then remind yourself of the new one. This can be uncomfortable at first. As you repeat it, it will become more natural.

IS SELF-CONCEPT NEEDED?

This is the controversial question (at least on Twitter, anyways). It’s not necessary to manifest, repetition + thinking as if will get you want you want. BUT, if I continue to have negative assumptions about the things I’m manifesting I find it to be more challenging.

So for me, yes, self concept was necessary. I had terrible assumptions in every area of my life. Doing the work to build new assumptions makes everything feel much safer and easier for me. You can manifest more than one thing at a time and it doesn’t delay anything so why not.

Changing the way I view myself, others and the world around me has greatly helped with my anxiety and BPD. I am night and day different in the way I see the world. But that’s me, you may be different. Finding what works for you and exploring is the key to all of this.

I hope this was helpful, I hope I covered this in an accessible way.

Source: my thread on twitter // resources below thread can be found here

#law of assumption #self concept #lawofassumption #my post #hehe I did my first post #it took over an hour but we out here

[shiningwonderland]

Cecil Aijima (Repeat)

Translator: Raz (twitter: agnadance) Proofreader: Sera (twitter: serayagami) Editors: Melanie (twitter: melabonbon), Plaid (twitter: cecillovemail)

July — My ballade

Disclamer: This chapter contains SENSITIVE MATERIAL. Please read at your own discretion. Warning for: Sexual harassment.

Haruka Nanami: Uh... ugh…

So… hot....

I wake up from the unbearable heat.

Haruka Nanami: : Ah, it’s already July….

… My first term is already over in the blink of an eye….

Haruka Nanami: … haa...

Time flies so fast….

Time isn��t just flying, it’s warping.

… We’ve collected two music sheets so far.

We need… four more....

I wonder if we can gather two or three in one day somehow.

At this rate, I’m going to graduate without doing a thing.

Haruka Nanami: Excuse me, Cecil-san….

… H-huh?

Cecil-san isn’t… here….

He was here with me up until yesterday,

I wonder where he went?

Select the phrase!

I'll go look for him (+20 Love +5 Music)

If I wait here, he might come back.

If I go look for him, we might pass each other.

But, I’d feel better if I did something!

If all I do is wait, nothing will change, so I’ll do something.

I came to this school believing that no matter what obstacles I faced, I shouldn’t give up.

I go down to the secret base in the dorm’s basement, the secret recording room.

I thought maybe he’d be there, but....

Tokiya Ichinose: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

I told you to follow the music sheets just as they’re written.

Otoya Ittoki: But it’ll definitely sound cooler if I play it like this….

Tokiya Ichinose: I suppose if it was a guitar solo that would be better. However….

There will be other instruments, too. If you just do whatever you want, it will throw the harmony off.

A composer thinks about everything in total.

If you play however you want, your sound will clash with the others.

You don’t even understand that?

Otoya Ittoki: Ah… hm… well… I guess….

Y’know, if I just play following my heart, I tend to end up like this….

Tokiya Ichinose: Haa…. Please use that head of yours.

Cecil is nowhere to be found.

Instead, I’ve discovered Ittoki-kun and Ichinose-san bickering with each other.

Haruka Nanami: Uh-um….

Otoya Ittoki: Ah, Nanami. It’s been awhile!

How have you been doing? Did something happen?

Haruka Nanami: Um… I woke up and Cecil-san was gone, so I thought he might be here….

Otoya Ittoki: Cecil? He hasn’t come by.

Haruka Nanami: I… see….

Well, then I’ll look somewhere else.

Otoya Ittoki: If that’s the case, should I go too?

I bet we can find him faster if it’s the two of us.

Select the phrase!

I’m glad you asked, but… (+5 Love +5 Music)

I feel bad for refusing his offer, but....

It would be terrible if he ended up being brainwashed again….

Hmm, what should I do….

Haruka Nanami: Um….

I think it would be dangerous if we went outside together….

As I begin to hesitantly speak....

Tokiya Ichinose: If you nonchalantly waltz out there and get brainwashed by Satan again, who do you think will go and bring you back?

If you cause more trouble, you’ll just be a hindrance to everybody.

Ichinose-san pipes up and saves me.

Otoya Ittoki: Ah… I see.

You have a point. My bad.

Ittoki-kun bows his head apologetically.

He’s such an honest person.

Haruka Nanami: Ah… it’s no problem….

I automatically return his apology.

Otoya Ittoki: Speaking of which, does Cecil sleep at your place?

You two are sharing a room?

Haruka Nanami: Ah… yes.

Normally he’s Kuppuru… er, in his cat form, so he stays in my room.

Otoya Ittoki: But he can change back into a person, right?

Is it really okay for him to stay in your room?

Select the phrase! 

Ah… (+15 Love +0 Music)

He has… a point….

If I really think about it, I’m practically living with another man.

He’s usually Kuppuru when we’re together in my room, so we’ve gotten accustomed to it, but this is crazier than I first thought….

Cecil-san is Kuppuru….

But at the same time, he is a man I just met.

He told me that he loves me….

Which means, I….

What do I think of Cecil-san…?

Otoya Ittoki: Ah, she froze.

Heeey, Nanami!

Heeey! Hello there! Anybody home?

Haruka Nanami: AH! Uh, I-I’m so sorry!

Uh, I need to go.

Goodbye!!

I make a beeline for the school.

There’s a chance that Cecil-san was trying to collect the music sheets all by himself.

Why did Cecil-san go out by himself…?

He said that he wanted to fight alongside me.

I wonder if he hates me….

I did try to save Ichinose-san by myself….

Haruka Nanami: Haa….

I don’t know what’s going on anymore.

I don’t understand my own feelings, nor what Cecil-san is thinking….

Haruka Nanami: S-so cold….

A chill runs down my spine and my whole body shivers.

Outside it’s very hot, but inside the school it’s eerily chilly, not to mention kind of dark….

Haruka Nanami: I wonder if the power is out…?

This is a bit… scary….

At that moment….

Something floats softly downwards.

A ball of light hovers before my eyes.

Haruka Nanami: AAH!

… Was that….

A ghost?

All of a sudden,

STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP!!!

With extreme speed, the bronze statue of the famous philosopher Ninomiya Sontoku charges past me down the hallway.

Haruka Nanami: EEK!! What in the….

I look down the hallway and it stretches on so far ahead of me that I can’t even see the end of it.

Haruka Nanami: Is this an endless hallway???

What is this…? I feel like I’ve walked into a haunted mansion….

Rattle!

Rattle, rattle!

The classroom door begins to open and close by itself.

Th-this is so freaky….

Whoosh!

Desks, chairs, books, notebooks and the like begin flying in front of my eyes.

Haruka Nanami: K-KYAAAAA!!

Cecil Aijima: Watch out!

Cecil-san jumps out from a corner of the hallway and protects me.

Cecil Aijima: Ugh…!

Cecil-san shields me with his back.

Haruka Nanami: Ah! Ce-Cecil-san!!

Are you okay…?

Wh-what is going on?

Cecil Aijima: This is a poltergeist….

This is Satan’s evil power.

Satan’s servant is using this power.

Uu… ugh… gah… ugh…!

A chair continues attacking Cecil-san, repeatedly striking his back.

Select the phrase!

Thank you. (+20 Love +0 Music)

Haruka Nanami: I’m so glad you saved me.

But… please don’t push yourself.

I’m okay….

Cecil Aijima: … I am fine.

If you are safe, that is everything to me….

Haruka Nanami: But….

Cecil Aijima: I am fine.

Now, we must exorcise them….

Cecil-san begins singing softly and a light ripples outwards from his chest and lights up his surroundings.

The books, chair, instruments, and everything touched by the light calm down and return to their original positions.

Cecil Aijima: Ha… ah….

Cecil-san looks as if he’s about to collapse and I hold him up in a panic.

Haruka Nanami: Cecil-san, are you OK?

Cecil Aijima: I’m fine… but please….

Let me rest….

Ha… ha….

Cecil-san leans back against the hallway wall and sits down.

Haruka Nanami: Okay.

I sit next to him and Cecil-san rests his head on my shoulder.

Haruka Nanami: Why did you come by yourself?

You could’ve said something to me….

Cecil Aijima: ...You were sleeping so peacefully.

But also, I had a nightmare last night.

You were captured... and even though I reached my hand out towards you,

I couldn’t reach you. I wasn’t able to save you....

I knew that collecting the music sheets was dangerous.

I understood that… yet….

I became scared.

Scared of losing you….

Scared of putting you in danger….

Haruka Nanami: Cecil-san....

Select the phrase!

I'm more worried about you. (+20 Love +5 Music)

Cecil Aijima: Thank you, my princess.

I am happy that you feel that way.

But… I am fine….

No need to be concerned, my darling.

Aah, I want to stay like this forever… but….

Cecil-san closes his eyes mournfully.

Cecil Aijima: I love you so much, but you must not love me back….

Haruka Nanami: Eh…?

Cecil Aijima: Because… because I....

I must not lead you astray….

And yet….

I love you so much that I feel as if I may become mad….

Haruka Nanami: Cecil-san, what are you talking about…?

I’m about to ask him why, but at that moment, I hear the beautiful sound of a piano coming from a classroom.

Haruka Nanami: Piano?

Why? We aren’t supposed to be able to play instruments right now….

Cecil Aijima: Yes. However, if it is a person who has the Muse in their heart, or a person with one of the music sheets, perhaps….

Haruka Nanami: There’s a person with one of the music sheets inside the classroom…?

Cecil Aijima: Quite possibly….

Shall we try entering?

Haruka Nanami: Yes.

I’m still bothered by what Cecil-san said, but sealing Satan is the most important task right now, so I won’t pry.

The one playing the piano turns out to be Hijirikawa-sama.

The sound of Hijirikawa-sama’s piano overflows with elegance and dignity, yet feels so warm.

Haruka Nanami: Amazing….

Masato Hijirikawa: Heh heh heh….

I see you were lured in by the sound of the piano, soldiers of the Muse.

Satan-sama told me you would come if I played music.

It appears he was correct.

Seems like you’re getting full of yourselves after acquiring some of the music sheets.

However, your lives end here.

Hijirikawa-sama stands and raises his hands.

Various objects around the room begin to float in the air.

Hijirikawa-sama flicks his hand forward and chairs, desks, and books swiftly launch themselves in our direction.

Cecil Aijima: Watch out!

Cecil-san takes my hand and runs away.

But….

Rattle… rattle rattle!

The door of the classroom door appears to be locked and won’t budge.

Cecil Aijima: Ugh!

Cecil-san grabs the door with both hands and pulls with all his strength, but it still won’t move.

Masato Hijirikawa: It’s pointless.

Hijirikawa-sama snaps his fingers.

Chains drop down from the ceiling and wrap around both Cecil and me.

Cecil Aijima: Ugh! Hold on, I will save you!

Cecil-san reaches his hand towards me.

Haruka Nanami: Cecil...san…,

U-ugh…!

I struggle to reach for Cecil-san’s hand, but the chains tighten around me and my body grows even more restricted.

Masato Hijirikawa: It’s pointless… I already told you.

Those chains will tighten the more you struggle.

Soon, you two will have no cards left to play.

Why not just quietly surrender?

Hijirikawa-sama’s eyes are so cold.

The first time we met during the entrance ceremony, his eyes were so kind and affectionate.

Now they’re like ice.

Haruka Nanami: No, I won’t do as you say, not the way you are now!

If he’s like this because he’s possessed by Satan, we have to save him….

Masato Hijirikawa: Is that so....

Hijirikawa-sama narrows his eyes and glares right at me.

Masato Hijirikawa: I suppose I should just kiss you and break your contract... but allow me to play with you a little.

Cecil Aijima: Wh-what!!

Why you…!

I feel the chains tighten around me.

The chains tighten enough to pull my skirt up....

Haruka Nanami: ...!!!

My thighs are exposed and chains wrap around them as well.

This is so embarrassing!!!

Cecil Aijima: Haruka!!

H-how could you….

How dare you expose a woman’s skin…!

Masato Hijirikawa: If that’s so, then allow me to expose even more.

Rrrip!

Hijirikawa-sama grabs my shirt and pulls on it forcefully.

One sleeve tears off, exposing me from the shoulder down.

Hijirikawa-sama would never do this!

He is too kind to do such a horrible thing…!

Haruka Nanami: Wake up…. Snap out of it!

This isn’t like you at all!!

I yell with tears in my eyes.

I don’t want to see Hijirikawa-sama like this!

Cecil Aijima: Ugh! Satan’s power is strong.

It appears that the curse cast on him is especially strong!

I do not know if… we can cleanse him with one attempt….

First, I must release us from these bindings….

Ugh….

Cecil-san struggles again but the chains dig deeper into him and his face twists with pain.

Masato Hijirikawa: Now the other side….

Hijirikawa-sama pulls on my other sleeve and rips it off.

Haruka Nanami: Kyaa!

Both of my sleeves are gone and now I’m sleeveless.

Cecil Aijima: Stop!!!

Masato Hijirikawa: No, I won’t stop.

Why would I stop doing something so enjoyable?

Hijirikawa-sama chuckles to himself.

Haruka Nanami: U-um….

Masato Hijirikawa: Allow me to expose all of you.

Cecil Aijima: Stop! STOOOOOP!

Haruka Nanami: ...!!!

Hijirikawa-sama’s beautiful pale fingers begin unbuttoning my top.

One, two….

Once he’s opened the second button, he opens my top wide.

Haruka Nanami: Stop… please stop….

I plead with him desperately, but he doesn’t listen.

Instead, he looks like he’s enjoying himself.

Masato Hijirikawa: Are you embarrassed?

Haruka Nanami: Yes….

Yes, this is extremely embarrassing.

So can you please, please stop already!!

Masato Hijirikawa: I see….

Become even more embarrassed.

The more embarrassed you become, the more powerful I become.

Haruka Nanami: That can’t be….

No, I hate this.

But the chains won’t come off no matter how much I struggle.

The more I struggle, the more pain I feel.

Cecil Aijima: Don’t you dare touch her again!

Masato Hijirikawa: Hmph, I refuse to obey.

Now allow me to use the ultimate forbidden technique, the “Skirt Flip”!!

He puts his hand on the edge of my skirt and slowly pulls upwards.

N-no!!! I don’t want my skirt flipped—that’s too embarrassing!

Haruka Nanami: ...!!!

Masato Hijirikawa: …Such a good expression….

Yes, show me more of that face….

Haruka Nanami: NO!

I refuse! Why are you doing this!?

Haruka Nanami: Don’t you feel any shame doing something a kid would do?!

Masato Hijirikawa: Heh, what a pointless question.

I wasn’t able to do this in elementary school, so of course I’m going to enjoy doing this right now!

... Hijirikawa-sama.

Of course he wouldn’t have done something like flipping skirts even back when he was in school…

… wait, this isn’t the right time to feel sorry for him....

Haruka Nanami: Come on, please just stop this!

You’ll lose your dignity!!

Masato Hijirikawa: So what?

I already lost my dignity when I swore allegiance to Satan!!

Hijirikawa-sama suddenly opens his eyes wide and places his hand on my cheek.

Haruka Nanami: ...!! No, NOOO!!

I don’t want him to look at my red-hot face and I close my eyes shut.

Cecil Aijima: STOP!

Stop touching her….

C...curses….

Masato Hijirikawa: You’re closing your eyes now…?

Are you tempting me to kiss you?

Hijirikawa-sama chuckles in amusement.

Haruka Nanami: No, that’s not what I mean!

Masato Hijirikawa: No?

... Are you sure?

Your words or your lips….

I wonder which is truly honest….

Hijirikawa-sama grins and removes his hand.

Cecil Aijima: I will not allow you to touch her anymore!

Cecil-san bites his lip, then….

Cecil Aijima: GrraaaAAAAAAAAAAH!!

Cecil-san makes a fierce expression that I’ve never seen before and breaks off his chains with all the power in his body.

His skin tears in several places and bleeds from the sheer force.

Cecil Aijima: I will save you now!

Now… right now...!

He tries to free me from my bindings with his blood-stained hands.

However, every time he rips off the chains, his hands tear and bleed.

He winces in pain, but Cecil-san doesn’t falter.

Haruka Nanami: Please stop!

Please stop, I’m fine!

Please stop hurting yourself…. You can let go.

Cecil Aijima: I can’t.

I will save you. I will protect you, because I love you!

Gah…! Ahh…!

Masato Hijirikawa: Love…? Rubbish.

Love eventually becomes physical desire.

What’s the difference between the two of us?

I presume you have desire in your heart.

What do you want to do with that girl?

You want to hug her. You want to kiss her.

You want to humiliate her…. Am I wrong?

In the end, it’s basically the same.

If that’s so, then you should be honest with yourself and release the desire in your heart.

Cecil Aijima: You are wrong! Love is… love is something more sacred! You should not let your desires… control you….

You have to treat it preciously!

Preciously….

Cecil-san screams in anguish.

Haruka Nanami: Cecil-san….

I was uncomfortable, so he made sure not to hurt me….

He’s been holding back for me….

Cecil Aijima: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

Cecil-san uses all his strength and tears off my chains.

Haruka Nanami: Cecil-san!

Cecil-san….

I hug Cecil-san tightly.

Cecil-san is momentarily surprised but hugs me back firmly.

Cecil Aijima: Thank you.

I love you, my princess.

Cecil-san kisses my forehead.

Then….

Masato Hijirikawa: WHAT!

H-how... how outrageous….

To hug each other in public!

On top of that….

A k-k-k-kiss on the forehead…!?

I look at Hijirikawa-sama and he’s frozen, with a bright-red face.

Cecil Aijima: It appears that he is back to normal.

Haruka, now is the time.

Haruka Nanami: Yes.

Cecil-san and I place our hands together towards Hijirikawa-sama’s chest.

Cecil Aijima: Muse, give us your blessing….

Haruka Nanami: The melody of the wandering goddess.

Cecil Aijima: Show us your true form!

Hijirikawa-sama’s beautiful fingers shine and light overflows from the palms of his hands.

A music staff made of light floats in the air and begins to take form.

Once all the music notations align, the music staff starts noticeably shining much brighter.

It all takes shape as one sheet of music.

Masato Hijirikawa: What am I doing….

Hijirikawa-sama mutters, completely dumbfounded.

He then looks at me and his eyes grow wide and his face turns red.

And then, he deliberately takes a jacket hanging on the back of a chair and holds it out for me without looking me in the eye.

Haruka Nanami: Um….

Masato Hijirikawa: Wear this.

...An unmarried girl… should not reveal her skin in that way.

Haruka Nanami: Th... thank you very much.

Cecil Aijima: … But you were the one who stripped her.

Cecil-san looks at Hijirikawa-sama with accusing eyes.

Masato Hijirikawa: What!?

I did this…!?

Haruka Nanami: Ah, b-but… Hijirikawa-sama was taken over by Satan and possessed, so….

Masato Hijirikawa: Even if I was possessed, this is just….

The blood drains from Hijirikawa-sama’s face.

Masato Hijirikawa: H-HOW COULD I DO SUCH A THING?!!

I PERFORMED SUCH A SHAMEFUL ACT ON A WOMAN....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Now that it has come to this,

I will cut open my stomach to atone for my sins!

Haruka Nanami: Ah!

Please don’t do that!

I’m okay, I’m fine!

Masato Hijirikawa: But….

Haruka Nanami: My clothes are ripped, but it’s only my sleeves, and I almost got my skirt flipped….

So it really isn’t a big deal….

I was really embarrassed at the time, but if I think about it calmly, I still didn’t show anything more than if I were wearing a swimsuit….

Masato Hijirikawa: SKIRT FLIPPING?

THAT IS A CAPITAL OFFENSE!

A capital offense…?

Is skirt flipping something that serious?

Masato Hijirikawa: Even though I was brainwashed,

I can’t believe I did such a thing….

No words of apology could ever make up for what I did.

Haruka Nanami: No, I accept that you’re sorry about it, and it’s not really your fault….

And you didn’t even get to flip my skirt….

Masato Hijirikawa: If there is anything I can do, please tell me.

I’ll do anything. Please allow me to atone for my sins, I beg of you.

Ahh, he takes everything so seriously.

Haruka Nanami: Then, um….

Can you possibly help us?

We explain our situation and Hijirikawa-sama agrees to cooperate.

This is the third sheet of music.

However, it’s already July.

We have to do something fast....

Mini Game

Hyuga-sensei comes again today to give me personal lessons.

There was a written test the day before yesterday, but today is the performance.

I tried arranging the composition I got for homework after the entrance ceremony and attempted different things with it, but….

Today, I’ll perform in front of the teacher.

I hope I do well.

Ryuya Hyuga: Are you ready?

Let’s begin!

S Rank

Cecil Aijima: That was perfect, my princess, my beloved Mana.

Take me to your world of the music that you feel….

I am with you always.

Haruka Nanami: Ah… Cecil-san.

He came to watch me practice.

That makes me happy.

Chapter End

#cecil repeat #cecil aijima #utapri

[femmchantress]

HI RACHEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hope you have had a good day :3 what's a song you've had on repeat lately........you can share as many as you like hehe i just wanna know!

Danny boyyyyyyyyyy c: Thank you thank you! I’m having a really lovely day, I’ve been so busy all week and have been so social that it’s really helped keep me in a decent mood and from spiraling too much tbh! And I met so many fun new people last night and I got invited to a birthday party on Sunday at a bar for this really cool punk rocker I met, and yeah. :3 I’m feeling really great overall! I’m definitely overexerting myself socially to make up for like, a six month long breakdown driven in part by social isolation and loneliness, but I figured better to start strong and then find my happy medium.

I’ve had a couple of songs on my mind as of late!

“Dumai” by Daniel Kahn and the Painted Bird is a big one. It’s both a comfort and a rage song for me - and with the… strangeness of the interaction between my job and my politics as of late, it’s been nice to have art to fall back on made by people in my community who don’t have reprehensible politics or beliefs lmao.

“The Destruction of New Orleans” by Daniel Kahn and the Painted Bird (are you sending a pattern lol). We had a very bad gubernatorial election in Louisiana recently and a horrible, vicious fascist will be sworn in as our governor next year. And he specifically carries a vendetta against my beloved home of New Orleans (as well as all the usual idiotic reactionary culture war shit). And it’s just another reminder that me and my husband’s days here are numbered before we have to move up north for our own well-being and the potential of being able to eventually start a family and get things like top and bottom surgery. And it sucks. It really fucking sucks. New Orleans is the first place I’ve ever truly made a home for myself - I was married here, I’ve mourned loved ones here, I have my own little community here and my own little found family that I love deeply. And that’s to say nothing of my husband, who was born here and barring a year in Europe, they’ve never lived anywhere else in their life. They’re of this land and this city in a way I could never understand, comparatively rootless as I am, and I know it’s going to break their fucking heart to leave. I love my gay little family in NYC with my entire heart and I’m so excited to be closer to them sometime soon, but I’m also just kinda tired of building and leaving communities when things inevitably get scary. I’m also just not used to being outside the south lol. Anyways.

The last one is a little guilty pleasure off of Big Freedia’s Christmas EP. It’s kinda a bounce parody of “Mr. Sandman” and it’s just the greatest thing. I don’t do Christmas, but I do fuck with Freedia something fierce.

[electrospherevaults]

Defiler - Chapter 0

[Click here to read the rest of the Defiler story]

The Barrens, One Last Time

In the olden days, it was said that the Astrid Republic boasted a membership of four hundred and thirteen star systems. An endless expanse from one arm of the galaxy to the other; an empire that claimed itself to be humane, kind and resourceful. It was in the name after all – how can an empire be a bad thing once it has taken the mantle of calling itself a republic?

…They were lies, of course. Damned lies, the lot of them, but they made for a nice story.

And, if anything, He loved his tales.

He bestowed that knowledge onto me. I am living with this memory now, one amidst many – too many, if you ask me. I watched His carcass burn upon impact. I watched the crater where he lied expand, creating rifts in His wake, and cracks which the sands have yet to fill. The Fallen Gorge; that’s what I’ve heard people call it. Quite a silly name, but I hear it’s catching on with its intended audience, so I won’t be complaining. Tabora is my planet and my home, and it is still whole, bearing just one more scar of one more battle it never sought to fight; of one more battle it never knew it was fighting; and of one more battle it never (and would never) agree into fighting.

But a home is a home, and it still stands, wrinkles, cracks, stains and all.

What more can you ask for at the end of the day, on a home where the sun never sets?

To see the stars?

I mean, duh!

Somehow this desire still lives. I do not know whether it is something within me, or within Him, that keeps this flame alive. Nevertheless, Zysso put a good word out for me; he is the inheritor of an empire now, one he is coming to terms with accepting and commanding. We attended his father’s funeral back in Y’Trage. For as sombre as it was, I could not help myself; a promise that was uttered only in death was kept.

We did fly together in the end after all.

It is weird to have friends in high places. Weird to have friends that died in your arms a lifetime ago now hug you tightly. Friends that should have stayed dead exclaiming hopes for the future. I did manage to save them all. “All” is probably doing some heavy lifting – Zysso’s dad is still dead, Jean-Michel du Rembrandt and the King are both gone. But I saved my friends, and my family, and my planet. No easy task for a ratlung that’s yet to learn how to fly, if you ask me.

How long has it been now? Months? Weeks? Maybe just a couple days, but it can’t have been that little. I know I slept as much though, that much is true; mom will still tease me fondly whenever I’m late in waking up. The haziness of time remains, and yet I can recall and recreate every single detail in pristine perfection, as if my mind committed my memories to film, taking snapshots at everything and anything that occurred, to document it all in a library existing entirely within me. Memories both mine and His.

He longed to return back home. To meet with His brethren, to fulfil His higher purpose – a purpose I found to seek new homes for His people, to populate them, to let them thrive so that the astrids could live long and prosper longer. A galactic embrace, so as they say.

The Astrid Republic died seventy-eight years ago. Wait, no, it died seventy-eight years ago! The Astrid Republic died seven- ugh.

Well, I know the truth. The exact date lists it so much longer ago, but something within me will not let me say it out loud, or type it down. It is a memory I share that is locked, and I am afraid to discover what other memories I will retain for myself alone. The home He was seeking was long gone; even if He escaped, what my mind assumes is that He would simply roam back to his birthplace, find the maps corrupted, the planet lost, and thus prompted to wander towards a random planet as per protocol. Rinse and repeat until home was found again.

I am not aware if this is a fault in how the Maker was made, or if this is something He Himself came up with to cope with His existence having no longer a purpose to serve.

Of course, He did have a purpose to serve – to us, the planet and the creatures He raised.

But gods like Him don’t concern themselves with squishy bugs I hazard.

Nevertheless, Tabora stands when the astrids do not. So do His memories. So do mine. Each one recorded clearly and perfectly, and recalled without hesitation. And I can feel that happening every waking moment now. I call Friga and she tells me all about the wild trips she had out in the desert. She mixes and pieces together different events from other days she lived, events she likely forgot she had already told me a prior time, and I recognize those pieces; I still have not found it apt to call them out, her excitement is too cute to reel back in. She tells me of Jaksy, of her mom, of Jaksy’s mom – their names Belit and Kruga respectively – of how she and Jaksy are planning on coming to the Strip, of how we should go out for drinks. I recall the night she threw up after just two beers and I wince, then I tell her how great an idea it will be and how I will wait them with the next caravan to arrive. Their caravan will be arriving back from the trip to the Maker in fact today, after a gruesome week of travelling. The defilers, who once sought to connect with Him through his body, now only find his bones bleached naked by the sun He stopped in time. I have not asked Jaksy yet how she feels about our dearly departed Maker, but whenever I see Friga light up on the subject of the new pilgrimages, Jaksy extinguishes. Out of courtesy, I try to change the subject.

It is weird to know He is dead and does not speak anymore. Weirder still to find a way to explain to your friends the extent of how He defined our lives in ways that were much more reaching and controlling than any of us, even the most fervently religious among us, believed to know. He was a weaver, a storyteller, and He had his rules. Once you defied these rules, these rules of the narrative that was written, these rules the living had to follow, it became messy.

I wonder still what repercussions I will face for saving my friends from the fate He planned for them. And I don’t know if I will have the guts to tell him of how he died once in my arms next time we meet; a meetup that also is coming next week. He did say he wanted to accompany me to the next academy exams after all. I was like “Zysso, are you crazy? It is so expensive!” and he responded with a mere “Well, I do own an entire fleet now.”

Like I said, it’s weird to have friends in high places.

Beneficial too; I hope I can make it this time. If they cut me, I’ll just turn up to the officer, say “Hey I saved your asses back then, give me a break!” and hopefully that’ll be enough! Otherwise, Zysso has the money too. I recall drinking wine back on the ship to Tabora, him asking me if I would still like to be a cosmonaut. I just stared out of the window, sometimes looking at him through the reflection, but mostly just staring out towards the stars. I feel that answered his question handsomely. I would not hesitate to ask him to help me, I think.

But Mom says I shouldn’t. She is right – but also, don’t I deserve a little break? A treat even?

Heh, maybe I am beginning to sound like him more and more. I should tackle it on merit.

I’m sure the Maker will smile on me when the moment comes, bleached bones and all.

I don’t know why I am writing any of this today. I never managed to keep much of a diary, buying journals and leaving them half unfinished after the first couple of pages. It feels different today. Maybe it was not just the desire to ascend that I inherited from Him; maybe the weaving of tales, of real fantasies and fantastical stories, and the need to will them into existence through my own narration is another. I don’t think I possess the power to bend time and space like He did. No, I do not believe I do – He did say the powers He bestowed began with Him and ended with Him. But I cannot say I do not believe I don’t either. It is silly, I know, and not something worth pondering about, yet I lie awake on my bed and reach out for the stars on my ceiling, harking back to the star I reached once upon a time that Zysso pointed out for me.

Not my Zysso of course, His Zysso; the one in the dream that now seems like lifetimes both ago and far ahead. I still remember the feeling of touching a burning ball of fire that glows in the embrace of the darkness of space, only for it to sparkle on my hand, tiny and puny and nothing. Just a pretty little thing, a pretty little thing that attracts planets that host creatures that live lives full of joy and pain from their births to their demises.

I dream about that a lot.

Then I wake up, go to the kitchen, and have some blue milk.

This is another thing that haunts me. I still wonder what He had put into the milk He had fixed for me. I still ponder if I would be here now, looking back at my mom preparing eggs for breakfast inside our kitchen, humming the same tune she cooked up decades ago, when granny Jasmin first taught her how to master the fire and the pan. The crack that runs along the window meanwhile is new, created from the day He fell back. On particularly windy days, sand blows inside; momma has me clean it up near immediately, even if we know not but five minutes later more dust will swoop in because we got a damn hole in the wall of our home.

Maker bless her heart. You failed to kill her, and now she is killing me, and I could not have been happier.

I cried so much the moment I returned home back to the surface and back to our home. We embraced for so long until I fell asleep in her arms, hearing her reassuringly call my name. My real name. I am Mallik. Daughter of Zenit, daughter of Jasmin the Defiant. The Mallik of Tabora. The name I embraced.

Once I woke up again later, I told momma everything. Of the Maker, of His dreams, of granny Jasmin and how He used her to speak to me. Of how we got inside Him, of how He took me away, of how He awakened.

And then, of how I was able to save everyone. To go back, to slip before he knew of the control I exalted, to help in the ambush he put up for us. Lionelli and Amateracci were not meant to survive originally. Instead, He wounded them heavily, to drive the impact further of what devotion allowed you to suffer through.

They are both fine now, to my knowledge. Sadly, neither of them have reached out to me since our bidding goodbye to each other back on the planet’s surface. Lionelli, I think, was the most hurt that I did not decide to join them; I only told her to embrace Analussa the way she really wanted. She turned red, and not because of the sun, whilst Amateracci only laughed, confirming her suspicions. I do not know if they discussed it further, or if Lionelli still hides it. I am no god after all; only a ratlung.

And this ratlung saved her friends. I stopped the being that was to hurt Amateracci, the one that Zysso dived in front of to take the hit instead. Zysso saved me back, firing his weapon on another being that was never meant to be there originally. And, together, we stopped three more of them that lunged towards Jaksy and Friga, collapsing them into pure mirror shards. I never expected Friga to be this good at fighting.

And once we were done, I led them to the escape bay. We unlocked the same shuttle, the one the Maker had prepared for just Lionelli and Amateracci, and we shot into space. I watched from the porthole, counting down the seconds to His obliteration. He fell on Tabora, almost cracked in half, burning from even before His entry.

Mom did not like the tale much. She dropped her glass on the floor, her hands shaking too much from the realization of her kid nearly having died inside the thing she called her god all those years.

After the funeral, and upon arriving back to Tabora, I decided to take a trip. Zysso was still around, and I convinced him to tag along. We still had at my home granny Jasmin’s old windwaker, the one she used just for herself. It was a tight fit for two people, what with one of us not being a ratlung, but we made it work.

I travelled back to the Barrens. To Anderson’s Crater. I stood by the edge, feet now not bare unlike before, and looked down. For as much damage as Tabora had taken from the Maker’s second planetfall, Anderson’s looked the same as before. Same hills and bumps, same rocks scattered by the basin. Same dangerous drop inside, where if you fell, the likelihood of survival decreased the more meters you tumbled down.

“You ever think of going down there?” Zysso asked me.

“You don’t?”

“Not really my style, climbing down big holes in the ground.”

“I wonder what kind of animals live here. Is it as hot as on the surface, at the lip we’re standing, or does the sheer size turn the inside better?”

“Well, I know some geography, and-“

“Don’t ruin the moment, dude!” I bumped him with my fist against his shoulder, laughing. He laughed back, nodding. He took off his sunglasses, and almost blinded himself from the glare of the sands. A boy so clumsy should not have been this good a pilot.

I stared at the crater. I looked down to its centre. My fingers grasped onto my scarf; still the same crimson red my granny adorned. I felt the thread with my tips, rustling from the neckbone where it rested up to my cheeks. Zysso noticed me, but he did not say anything.

I began unwrapping it from my head. Each circle a history unwrapping in front of me. I felt the sunrays hit my face, to embrace my hair. The heat was felt more and more prominently with each layer removed. And then, in the end, I held it all in my hand. A clenched fist, raised against the horizon, a crimson scarf dancing with the desert winds. An intricate dance that my body, my family, my name belonged to. Granny Jasmin had another prayer for such occasions.

Sadly, I have to say, I have forgot that one. I unclasped my fist.

Zysso followed with his eyes the trip my scarf made, swooping around the edges before gaining air and diving into the crater, rushing from left to right and swerving just centimetres from the ground; and yet, it never got stuck, it never fell, it never broke its dance.

Granny Jasmin would have loved it, I think; she would have called it a sign from the Maker Himself. I would like to agree.

I turned to Zysso after our eyes could no longer track it. “Do you want to pilot the waker back home?”

“Sure, that’d be fun!”

“Just don’t crash into any of the rocks on the way. Shit’s expensive, you know.”

“Ah, drat, and here I was thinking of doing exactly that…”

He smiled at me. I winked back. “Eventually.”

Such, after all and forever still, will be life out in the Barrens.

#defiler #my writing #nanowrimo 2021 #nanowrimo wip #original fiction #sci fi

[annyankers]

I would love to hear more about your Angel !!

oKAY SO ANGEL

his tag on here is angel (train’s version) for reference. also my old rp blog for him is @aithrioch which has some things like headcanons and aesthetics.

Okay gonna make an effort to not repeat myself though I also can’t completely remember what I’ve already said so B)

More emphasis on his time homeless. Like it’s brought up in more when it makes sense and it becomes especially important in ATS and becomes a point of bonding and discussion between him and Gunn.

Dating Buffy is probably his biggest lapse in judgement since wandering into an alley to get laid in the 1700s and it shows. Like he walked in knowing this was a bad idea, saw every red flag and did it anyway. It’s not a reemergence of Angelus behavior it’s Peak Liam Nonsense and it’s left his relationship and feelings towards Buffy very complex and fucked. I think from like BTVS S4/ATS S1 on his primary feeling towards her isn’t really love but guilt. Guilt over how much he fucked up her life and not just as Angelus but you know, as an adult engaging romantically with a teen.

Angelus has more of a Hannibal Lector vibe.

Heavy substance abuse in BTVS as part of coping. When we see him in btvs he’s literally JUST stopped living on the streets in the Depths of Despair. So in btvs S1-2 he’s smoking and drinking heavily to try and make it through another moment on this bitch of an earth. The drinking isn’t as obvious an issue until Buffy’s with him more. Ironically angelus drinks and smokes a normal ass amount because he’s not Lamenting and angel stops doing both in s3 since you know.... fresh outta hell and all that. don’t worry he’s back to chain smoking when he gets into ATS lol. It becomes a Running Issue with him and his Very Human and Lung Dependent Staff.

He listens to the smiths, the cure and similar music. He’s that kinda person. yes. also still listens to barry mannilow. he’s a man of many facets.

He’s Very Normal about Darla. So Normal.

Angel(us) has a Complex around his visual age and how it tends mean that he isn’t given much respect. Part of what fueled his actions back in the day was clout building so he’d get some fucking respect and stop being treated like a baby faced loser.

Circling back to the Buffy thing he realizes in ATS S2 that he perpetuated the cycle of abuse/grooming with her that Darla perpetuated on him. Because Darla 10000% groomed and manipulated him.

Darla and Angel have a Louis and Lestat vibe (but like..... more the new series version of them you know????)

Falls back into Catholicism after his time in hell for the comfort of it. he was born in 1700s Ireland where church was the center of life and Catholicism is like, the most ritualistic version of Christianity. It’s the familiarity and ritual/schedule of it that are comforting/helpful for him, less so the religious stuff. Even so ats needed more catholic stuff in it. Catholic ideology is a staple of angel’s thinking, the bedrock of it really. Literally all this shit about sin and redemption and shit is so aggressively catholic. He’s literally out here looking for a priest who can tell him how many Hail Marys he needs to say to atone for the Atrocities.

Is actually very jealous of Spike later into BTVS/ATS. When Spike’s hanging out with the Scoobies n shit just fine because Spike’s capable of that kind of interaction without a soul while Angel has one and still struggles with it. It’s one of the few things in which he gets jealous of Spike over, how easy it is for him to straddle the soul/morality/dark impulse control chasm. Like it’s very unlikely he’d ever say it out loud or tell the Scoobies but Angel knows just how difficult chip or no chip some vampires would find it to be even remotely civil let alone actually work with them. it frustrates him endlessly that Spike has it so easy.

Yes even as Angel he DOES have an EGO.

Angel(us) is just a metric ton of complexes in a trenchcoat. ATS is just a guided tour through them.

In my brain he’s a mix of Marcus from Deadly Class, Stefan from The Vampire Diaries and Hannibal Lector from the Movies and Shows. Along with some Columbo and Stock Lovecraft Protagonist for flavor.

He’s so pretentious, so lifeless and pallid. He’s like a drive thru attendant with an MFA in fine arts during a graveyard shift.

okay this is all I’m doing on this for now as opposed to the fucking NOVEL for Xander because I don’t have the energy/brain power for it now and if I waited for that to happen to write another novel it could be another 80 years lol

#answered #angel (train's version)