toinfinitywinning

[toinfinitywinning]

Dear IVIg—I’m still thankful you’re an option but youuu suck.

🤞🏼If it doesn’t help the only other known option to help relieve Pain THAT WE KNOW OF (@⁨Mom⁩ I want to make sure u saw how I phrased this b/c of confusion last time LOL) until something else is I guess figured out is to see my neurologist in Cincy Who spoke to Serena (Williams) for my migraines and finally have to do Botox which I believe might be her last option for me as well. I mean it is possible things in Life will not be healable and that’s just what I have to tell myself. I have to stay realistic and positive at the same time —some ppl might feel differently. That’s why I’ve told ppl to pls not tell me I’m going to heal or get better. It isn’t about the gesture, I know, and have thanked ppl for meaning well. But, we, you, research has no idea. Hope. You can Hope for me but it’s too hard to hear what might never happen. Now if it was strep—barring something really bad, yea. But similarly I can’t answer people when they ask me what I’m taking for it. Or if there is a cure. So, in my eyes look at it like any other disease that’s been researched w/o a cure for decades. And COVID is very very young. I think ab as old as one of my nephews, 5 yrs. so that means as I’m sure u have already figured out on your Own that’s all the research we got. So far my body doesn’t take to any of it. It doesn’t take to many medicines either. Like at all. And that being the hard Truth I’ve had to think about how much dueling with Meds and doctors I want to do. And I told Mom the other Day i may want to Stop trying things (wait.) b/c there is actually nothing else to do. No really. That is not me giving up. It’s stopping; knowing that for now this is what we have. I’ve exhausted what is known to possibly help and I’m exhausted trying until there’s something else. It is finally resting in the fact that I can rest in the fact knowing for now I can do it. But im exhausted and all u all R too! Again sounds dramatic and it is, but I will not be a Lab mouse or statistic or trial forever. I helped research for over 2 years. And somebody got LHC a week after me Who contributed to it too. And when I say nothing has helped. That is not a Gentry like exaggeration. It’s simply sadly true. I get pockets without Pain or a migraine bandaged w/ Tylenol. At first I didn’t have to swallow that. I was not this bad at first. And having almost Pain driven hallucinations some nights is all I need to experience to make that Choice.

So, I’m giving this IVIg a really Good “shot” and the Botox if needed and continue to try what we’re doing rn and then I will live knowing I can escape for a short period of time sometimes so not to take that for granted and I truly might be one of those ppl whose Family member stays on the back of the bulletin. They’re saturated with it. I remember being little at church drawing on that back page of the bulletin and wondering why ppl just stayed there forever. I thought it was a mistake or a running Tab idk. Didn’t get it. It’s not funny but yk. I just never—no kid, anyone holding to only shreds Left of innocence ever thinks it will be them, but there is so much more we will never see on the back of one for so many other things. I like those people.

Resting in rest could be Good. Any advice on how to do that?

PS Dad and Mom not many 70 yo’s can do what you’re doing to help so Cool your jets 🤣ツ . Let me count the ways. Later.

[toinfinitywinning]

This Post will be wildly offensive and unpopular to many but what’s a blog for if not for honestly? I do wrong. I’m offended by things too. Especially situational and seed-picking-loving Christians. They’re fun. B/c I have to laugh at how well they spread that hate and distaste b/c you went on a mission Trip and we Love everyone. Walks in transgender Black woman in dreads. terrifying. The Truth can hurt. ☊, U can take it up w/ Rafiki.

Now: had this lil’ monkey not been the first Post I saw on TikTok I would have gone even longer without a Tumblr Post.

So I ramble. At Night. In Pain.

It helps sometimes.

Distractions can be positive.

•

How anyone can say evolution isn’t real after watching this baby bath I don’t know. This thing is not from the Ark LOL and where’s the other one if so?

I’ve opened a can of at least 2 worms fittingly but when science and something Right in front of you aren’t real proof, I think that is a consequence of a deeper problem. One a lot of the Alt Reich/Right might hold.

I’m not gonna banter. But, you absolutely can’t disprove science. I believe in Separation of Church and State. The Bible cannot be dissected for any purpose without combining the historical context with it or even just the rest of the passage. It’s ridiculous —if so here’s a few: we would all be without one eye, women’s hair would be disgustingly Long, and I’d Run out of stones every time I saw Goliath.

This monkey doesn’t have anyone else to walk with down the ramp and this is the only appropriately measured depth of water consistent with living without a boat it’s dealt with.

Unicorns are definitely real.

There is an adorable resemblance however to a fictional character. Dobby in Harry Potter. The ears had me.

Noah’s ark is a lovely story and there are some great songs and games and stickers. I Love them. I Love the simply complex promise from God to never destroy everything again. I believe doves are known to represent peace. I Love that the rainbow also affirms God’s promise after the rain. I Love so many loving with limits people think queer people “stole” it. Spare me please lol. The rain could represent that your Life is tough but there is still promise for healing and Hope.

I just took this from baby TikTok monkey’s to healing.

Somehow.

But my mind works this Way.

It may only make sense to me.

I did put it all together though.

#monkeys

Might as well extend a branch to healing Long-Haul.

[toinfinitywinning]

Bit of an update. Looking up a bit too I think. Hope, too. Long-Haul Covid just Stop it.

[toinfinitywinning]

How it Began? As a kid, until something bad happens all you know is innocence. Bounce back. Resilience. Words and thoughts your growing mind can’t get its synapses matured yet. And by bad, I mean it rocks you. You’re crying. You’re asking why for the first time poor thing it’s forever; you’re confused. You cannot process the magnitude of the incident and sometimes may even require Counseling to help guide you through it…NVR goes away.

And then.

I mean it’s sad, Right? Being born isn’t your introduction “hey!” realization and rationality Day, it’s your Birth Day. Period. Everyone’s glad you’re here. But you’re not going to know anything for a Long time. Everyone’s with me. Hopefully, b/c I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout no babies. And Well, most people R glad you’ve come unless you’re..ok no not that rn.

BUT

First time you are hurt and are able to process and internalize that new feeling it’s like welcome to the jungle we got fun and games! And I remember that moment for me. It wasn’t when I smacked my head and got hit with bats and sliced my fingers open trying to whittle (Dad’s fault) to make a teepee which now I’m not sure should be a thing. Also tried to make a tornado bottle like those science fair ppl had. The ones that won. B/c they actually figured out how to puncture a hole in a plastic 2 liter top without stitches and having to explain what in the Hell you were doing (Heather u said you might be here so I know you’re with the gear Shift trauma rn)

For me until now it’s never been me physically hurt or incapable that’s defeating me—defeating—adjective : defeated—also adjective but untrue. This is different and I hate it b/c of that. I was born with vampire senses at least that’s what vampire diaries says. I feel everything so intensely that often it has trickled over to affecting me physically. I suppose a Good example is a panic attack but I’ve moved onto bigger things. I’ll be one of those ppl on ppl magazine whose ღ ended hearing bad News. This could get dark so I’ll Stop at bad News.

It’s funny -I have all this time. And most of the time I don’t enjoy the time but I’ve thought a lot of that time some about when I was a kid. Just free fallin’. Before I got the anxious bug again I was fine being serendipitous and sporadic. One time I put a Friends name in my calendar even tho I knew I knew the time. That stuff. So back to the carefree kid. Like, 8+ I have to clearest memories. I want to take a sec to say how sad that is!! There is no question that I was the kid with the most bandaids. There are pictures and I Love them. Pain didn’t really bother me. Not like this. And I’ve had a lot of very serious injuries and surgeries. Why can’t I be her?

It’s all about control.

Sometimes staying in a State of any negative, sad emotion or trying time becomes comfortable so it becomes routine. Safe. This can Go downhill quickly. But I promise something from my psych minor talks about this my sister would know. Anyways you gotta get out and can’t.

I was in this State Right before I got sick but I pulled myself out of that creepy Ass Edgar Allen poem pit and swing thing b/c I didn’t like it anymore. But this is a Choice promise. And there’s not statute of limitations on how Long it takes you or if you even get to make a Choice time which is already a Mountain.

I tend to be really open and candid. I would be a horrible Celebrity. First of all they’d only have pictures of me in sweatpants. But the openness isn’t for me or really anybody unless someone does see it and be seen. I never had that. And that’s no one’s fault. We didn’t have Smart phones which ironically give us cancer and often stupidity from the crap you read due to that algorithm. A few people reached out in my DM’s and on posts to just do this I guess and throw in a Basketball time to time.

I was stuck. And I had well…a very eye opening bad experience. I don’t think I’ll ever share that publicly. But I was terrified. Something came over me when I got to my car and it wasn’t a Voice it was a direction. To home. Safety. Familiar. Routine. I knew sooner than immediately that I was done. That’s it. There’s a pattern in this pattern. You see?

So all that is taken care of and now we will work on my eating Disorder. Anorexia, restrictive ED/exercise bulimia and body dysmorphia. You get it. Add this in with Addiction. Talk about stuck. All I can think of to compare it to is that scary book w/ a wizard and a whirlpool and IDEK how it ends but that was always enough for me to be done w/ that story. So, You’re bound to have one after losing 150 lbs over two and a half years and now can see your bones and muscles. Hey you’re confident again Good for you. This will not sustain. You lost weight probably all the wrong ways anyway but it worked. And you’re still in control. Things have changed and u know what to do to keep your skeleton up. One gust of wind or fainting and head stitches again having to hurry and tell your Apple Watch not to call the rescue’s and you’re an inch closer to hospitalization. Doin’ fine.

All I had Left was my eating Disorder to work on and I’d made so much progress. I’ll expand on this but you actually have to eat when you’re sick. I won’t thank COVID-19 for that tho. Sometimes u can follow all the rules and still get *BEEP, explicative!* sooner or later it would have risen. So that infamous Day I’d just finished my hour walk and like had been doing about to eat w/ my Parents. I remember it like it wasn’t a 26 month old toddler Day away. One sniff. Mom -please get COVID tested. I remember being annoyed. B/c I have taken all the precautions. Well so do a lot of people and things still happen OUT of our control. This became the problem. Two saddest things about that next few days is I made my Dad say Shit when I came up positive then gave it to my Mom. I cannot tell you the guilt I would be carrying had this been the other Way around.

I had lived my Addiction free Life and started to heal my ED rest of my Life. For 3 weeks. I felt so light. Felt so free. Brave and proud. More authentic. B/c being stuck and not being able to fix things yourself takes a lot of deleted Pride and bad bad bad experiences apparently. Wakey wakey. Why’s it gotta be that Way? At least it’s the Gentry way. I’d rather not keep that up.

Crushed. Pre healing I couldn’t Exercise for 2-4 hours daily. Wake up at 5 am still kinda dazed and do 100 push-up’s then 10lb weights, several sets. Not one thing from a video or trainer but i can see everything chiseled so gotta be doing something right. Then walk a mile and a half or 10000 steps before you even answer a call at work. All this to have your evening free. To see your ribs and sometimes ✔ the camera Cloud to make sure that 10 pound added weight doesn’t happen. Showering at lunch break. Oh it was a machine. And ppl knew. I’m very aware. I lean toward empathy as well.

I was very very sick. Different sick. And TBH as much of Hell this is and might forever be I’d rather this. Even a broken ღ that was your stupidity and blinders anyway. Although I cannot control this it’s not an intensity of emotion in those skinny Ass bones I can’t turn off anymore. Need size zero and xs. Ghastly. I can answer a question of would you rather in this Case. My ღ literally aches. It’s all of the omnipresent and then some. So intense and relentless. I could change my mind tomorrow. Right now.

This Pain is Physical. Not my fault. Wasn’t abused. Can’t control this either and I’d never wish it on all but one person but idk. I feel things that intensely. I’d be the X-Ray Report that says torn or damaged in about nine places after my ACL tear. The Report was an entire page LOL. That is not common I don’t think. Should’ve just said everything is bad take your 2nd of now Four ambulance trips with your Dad to the ER.

Let me be clear. This is very hard to put into words. It’s less I guess that I wouldn’t barter but sometimes you’re just like please give me that Pain instead, just for a while.

Right now I am comfortable in Pain. Isn’t that pathetic yet tragic? I meannn. Whole body Pain. It’s emotional too trust me but this it takes first. Imagine…the control freak. This is not acute. Feeling without Pain even temporarily is kinda scary and better word unsettling. You want to get better of course but your body has done such a 180 that it becomes what you’re worried about and what makes you nervous. It’s an evil Domino set mouse wheel. Let me also add that long-haul Covid and dysautonomia and pots all of them happened because my body had gotten so healthy again it went in overdrive to try to help me and then couldn’t stop. How nice. Kindly. I’ve learned things about my body and about what people can experience and I didn’t want to. I will never again scoff at someone for saying that they are debilitated because, they are in constant pain or too “tired”... They can’t be safely aware. I’m ashamed I ever thought that about people because there is no take a Tylenol and lay down. There is no taking a nap and you’ll wake up refreshed. That’s all bullshit at this point, and it hurts if you have to ever explain it because you can’t, like so many other things until it happens to you you don’t really know how you feel like a lot of things you can swear that you’ll react one way or the other but when something happens to your kid or someone you love (dare i say abortion as a topic) all the sudden it’s personal and you’re thinking something you never thought you would. Or not. The struggle is actually real.



There is a lot of trauma or some type of PTSD with being this sick for this long as well because you sit comfortably, you know exactly what’s going to happen. If then, then that some of which are terrifying I shake I can’t believe anyone has to deal with this and yet I’m not even one of the most serious cases if you can believe that. Then there’s the Gaslighting. Go to stone ridge and admit yourself for anxiety. NAH. Thankfully all of my docs have been first class with no doors blown off.

I want to say I’ve learned a lesson.. karma. I deserve this. I should’ve seen it coming. Let me be clear again. No one deserves this and yet we’re human and stuff still happens to good and bad people. losing control has been difficult, but I feel like I’ve learned so much about, literal heartache and pain that only someone who was going through the same thing can identify with. there aren’t words. I’m not trying to paint a picture of someone who is on oxygen and dying or taking chemo, but I think that you can hold sadness in several different ways without feeling guilty. you can own What you’re going through. it’s OK to be angry at God at anything and I’ve had to realize that and it’s taken a long time and I think I still am working on it because I think I’m over here. not famished. not taken hostage. not bombed. I have a bed to lay in when I feel bad. U can’t compare things like this and you shouldn’t anyway. I think in doing that it’s never productive anyway. I don’t like being helped which is ironic because I have some co dependencies still and yearning to stay close to what is familiar and home and safe I’ve had to put my or whatever aside and my confidence out the window because yes, you will gain weight not exercising that much but you literally can’t do things at first. I was using a cane to get to the bathroom. I would pant no exaggeration like a dog for at least an hour sometimes after walking 10 feet, ask my mom she was on the couch across from me and we’re both thinking what just happened. or you have to use spoons because you’re shaking so much. Don’t even try a fork w/ rice. or you’re so confused that you always have to have what I would say and interpreter at this point, and praise God that there r doctors surrounding me. I have needed so much help and I think part of accepting help is also allowing someone else to practice stewardship and I think somewhere possibly the Bible at some point you can’t continue to deny someone’s help because they have to have the experience of helping and we both know each feeling. Frankly need it sometimes there are things that not even Gentry will speak of that I’ve gone through but somehow I’m thinking wow Pooh bear was correct. I really am stronger than I seem and I thought that the last time I was in a bad place life is nuts except help, if you don’t have the hope or faith let your family hold it for you. It’s still there. You just can’t get it yet and I cringe to say it, but I have learned so much and whether I heal completely or not writing all this again is therapeutic one, but two when people can identify with someone else, it is a very intimate experience the kind of intensity I feel with everything. I tell people I don’t want to hear ‘you’re going to get better’ because you don’t know that. we can pray for it, but I’ve given prayer a hard time as I’m able to complain, not going to church routinely. Then again going to church is just the building. Sadly tru 4 2 many. a reflection of your yearning for community and a place of hope and routine. we know from the current state in this world that going in a church and coming back out there’s nothing Christian about it, but I’m thankful that I have been held. I’ve even asked. Dad has even had to hang onto me. I’ve been in a wheelchair. I’ve had a bed pan. things that would normally humiliate you. You get humbled immediately. You may have your arms and legs, but there will be times you will need to be pried off the floor, there will be times that your head stays on a cold marble kitchen counter for hours because you don’t have the strength to walk 20 steps to your bed. Covid sucks. it has ruined lives, marriages, people have gone bankrupt. People have died. Mistreated. People have had experiences much worse than mine, and they didn’t deserve it either even if they didn’t take precaution like I did which is part of why I was so frustrated with getting sick. and again i was at that point I had gotten healthy. So ofc, the more prone your body go into hyperdrive. Trying to heal you. and that’s still where I’m at.

[toinfinitywinning]

My goal is to Watch a Baseball Game on TV this year instead of only supporting their clothing styles. Buttoned tshirts and Preferably the Reds, but I’ve not been to an outdoor sporting event in 26 months. So,

Secondly I just read about a guy eating 32 hotdogs—can the USA not find anything better than a Hot Dog eating contest to compete in? I am positive we are the only country lol. Just Make something up. I mean Guinness record stuff should all have to interview…32. I can’t think of anything worse to do within a time limit. I’d even do math.

3) I have been limited to the bed lately so being March I’m rewatching the 2012 and 2014 post seasons. When they cut the commercials and you have YouTube premium bc u got rid of another subscription in the carousel. I chose not to Watch the U-Conn title game I’m sad enough. have rewatched the 2012. The last 5 min of all of them I literally think they’re going to lose and I already know. I can only relive some of the bad buzzer beaters / close losses per Day. Wisconsin getting us back, Auburn being well, Auburn, and Luke Maye. GOLLY. And per usual Grant Hill and Laettner came up. Can we not?

I forgot a few players Who made HUGE plays in those 2014 games and ppl like Skal or the cute exchange student with dark hair…Tye? Randle was and still is a monster with another all-☆ selection this year. Darkari Johnson—never gave him enough credit. Then noticed the baskets the Harrison Twins got were all like 10 to 5 min under in crunch time. The one for Aaron taking us to the FF is the only points he made that Game. He basically took the Game from no-loss Wichita State with 4 3’s. Jamal Murray was so fun. There is no question Ulis is the best PG. I mean there’s Rondo but idk Ulis is shifty like Rob just slower hips. And Mr. KY Basketball, High School, College championships Darius Miller always came through. Willis and Hawkins were special KY boys too.now we have Reed.

Reed Shep gots to be that for us and I don’t think he won’t. He and Rob are in a lot of people’s NBA top 5. Be like Ant & Mike in 2012. Rob 3, Reed 5.

#March madness #UK #Kentucky #Cats #Wildcats #NCAA #Basketball #tournament #hotdogs #world records #guiness #book #Baseball #Reds #clothes #Long-Haul #COVID-19 #auburn #dUKe #UNC #U-Conn

[toinfinitywinning]

Yes a Dog Post.

Currently he’s snoring—loudly. God Love him. A few words. Your kids don’t have to be homosapians. He’s a mammal.

Happy 12th born Day, Andy! 3/1/212. For the 2nd time. ✔ my math or I’ll just have AI do all my hw assignments. Finally found his adoption papers frm Lex Humane Shelter or Society—can’t remember exactly but either place it was full of dogs…if we’re talking positives we’ve gotten just crazy close. In fact sometimes he gets closer than I’d like. Like a Heeler trait, RIP Jessie. He old man grunts when I nudge him to pls give me some space on my full not Q sized bed w/ a 60lb Dog thinking he’s a kitten when I need to stretch my bad knee. I politely remind him it’s actually my bed & he has 12. But truly he’s had 2b so patient & extra empathetic. Like innate endorphins. I’d never fully seen this intense loyalty Velcro-y type behavior. B/c of this, I half taught 50% him how to open and shut cracked doors w/ His nose. This was well beyond his Lane 2 years ago but there have been times when he’s already eaten & watered & been out when he starts buckin’ around & I’m like ur gon have 2 figure it out I can’t get up.

learned 2 shake w/ with his L hand. learned new words & phrases like “stay” & “let me see your dirty toes”, “Gentry has some meds let me see ur eyeball (Allergies)”, “Andy—did u scratch all my pillows onto the ground?” (only does this when I’ve Left the bldg, pipes up an attitude & surrounds himself w/ my pillows pushing them away)?”, “u need 2 wait I came to the kitchen for me”, “Gramma & Pop are here get in the car”, “gentry’s sick right now”, “I do not feel comfortable you following me so closely so you Go”, “ok that’s enough Stop sniffing, Stop”, “ok now you don’t get a biscuit every time you Go to the bathroom.” I must have really confused him. also an attitude if I smell like mi casita & don’t present him w/ a tortilla.

I’d never given him the credit but he is not as semi-impaired I once thought he might b-just crippled w/Anxiety like his Mom time 2 time. I read when dogs make eye contact w/ u & hold it that shows the deepest level of Love. He sees Right through me & he knows something hasn’t been Right. He’s been an Angel. the reason I’m somewhat not 100% lifeless b/c he still needs 2 Exercise 2. @ this point idk whose level of codependency is more tragic.

Someday maybe the excess pandemic 4 me will End only if he promises me he won’t. Every1 always says they have the best Mom, Dad or Dog. Well I actually do so let me win this 1. ღ this sweet Boy. He trusts me so much more. Go hug a loved 1 something. Never kno when ur Life & sanity might depend on their presence and affection. Dogs are so much better than humans most days.

a’ight 10% battery warning & UK plays @ 1:30 lay back down. Gosh I ღ this kid.

#dogs #happy Birthday #Dog #best friend #Andy #Lab mix #12 #HBD #adogisagirlsbestfriend

[toinfinitywinning]

Wow

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#bruises #COVID-19 Long-Haul #bloodwork #sticksandstoneswontbreakmybones

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Wow.

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Last night I ugly cried. For maybe like the first time. U know the difference. Head in hands, shoulders move more, noisier, chest more jumpy, idk. The movie the Best of Me was on and then I was like well I am not the best of me and that was it. And then I laughed. Instead of the word trigger anymore I think I’ll use acute onset. It acute-onsetted me.

Woke up, didn’t want to COVID today. Reminded myself I didn’t do this to myself. COVID-19–>24 did. COVID. It’s always the COVID.

No one knows why but recently there has been a string of several weeks where I’ve felt worse than I did at the very beginning. Easily put—I’m worse than whatever progress I thought I’d made. Right when you think there isn’t possibly another diagnosis out there—you need immunotherapy-goblin IV’s (had to). One autoimmune category has to do with monkey’s brains (I’m not joking) and the other 2 I’m not sure of their animal stati.

Monkey cerebellum at UofL Motility (I can say I’ve been to a specialist of a GI specialist) and more blood work later at UK Immunology.)

I’d need the goblins every 2 weeks most likely in a sterile White Room at UK and supposedly at any of their 4 convenient locations. Sounds like a hotel accommodation w/ free parking they only validate if you’re under 2 hours per visit…

They asked me how I’d like to receive the IV’s. I told them I don’t know what that means. Normal is fine. Then they clarified no, no laying down or sitting up. Laying down, always. B/c the POTS. These things pump for HOURS if like before for my migraines.

I could like, draw a straw, make it fun. My mind went straight to this bothering my Parents more but I was promptly redirected and reminded that the least of my worries should be how I’m going to get there.

Maybe I should date again. More help. SYKE. 🫠 ⛑️

Please UK March Madness, come through. Also Easter.

Below—the blown vein. Dad to me: “Why did they stick you there?” / bc a vein was there & some phlebotomist’s just Go for it. Also I swear it’s different everywhere. Either way the end game’s the same. And it’s not their fault. My veins are tired.

#Long-Haul Covid #bloodwork #bruise #sick #phlebotomist #nopainnogain

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Moments and massive revelations —the really special realm of Hell.

Stubbornness. Pain. Lament. Jealousy. No Confidence but w/ a good selfie smile b/c ur Dog can’t take pictures, & no stick b/c u Def picked the wrong one or something. I say similar thoughts a lot…and w/ teardrops on my guitar …so I’m paying close attention. This stuff is dangersome.

Okay. I’ll just make a list.

Growth and learning during:

- humility. throw your Pride out the Door-you will need help.

- regardless of the wrong’s you righted before getting sick. They’re still achievements, but they’re not realized. So then you think was it worth it? Yes, but is it too much to ask to bask in it for just a bit? I mean I am talking multiple, major Life changes. Ha—here’s COVID-19. After that you better be in for the Long-Haul too ‘cuz…

- appreciation for the very minute of things we do in a Day. Getting the mail is difficult for me. Brushing my teeth —out of breath so have to incorporate breaks to breathe Right.

- there are more people Who care about you than you ever knew. It’s not just b/c you’re going through this, people just may be more Vocal. Makes complete sense but took me a bit to get there.

- you will want to throw something, scream into a pillow, drown in self pity —some of which you think you don’t deserve or are allowed. Do it anyway. Safely.

- some days u just gotta laugh. I mean fr b/c u can’t even cry. And things R absurd LOL

- regardless of your spiritual Life or beliefs. You’re gonna be angry at the God or State of mind supposed to save you and take it all away. Then realize that’s not at all the point. We’re not puppets. Think of how dull Life would be w/o the ecstasy from an achievement or how mundane if we didn’t have anything to have Faith in or Hope for or Love or forgive. That’s why we’re not born in Heaven maybe. We have to try first. I don’t want to be a Lazarus. I wanna fight. And we may never know an answer or reason to any of it. That’s gonna take a lifetime to settle b/c there is no rationality to be had.

- I do not mean this to pettifog. You actually do find out Who comes through for you. That old country song line.

- it’s possible to have a Good Day even full of Pain and Discomfort but u kinda have to make yourself and accept its potential consequence for participating.

- the little things aren’t little anymore. You envy people Who can do normal things. Things you used to do without a problem in the world.

- I’ve had to do a lot of fixing in my Life. This may not be perfectly fixed. We don’t have a Choice but to either live with it as a strength and inspiration or stay negative and pouty about what once was. Even tho you have every reason to.

- you will learn so much about yourself. So much. And most things I’ve learned have been new revelations. May have always been there but there to manifest as needed. It’s not all great but I’m not the same person just a few more grayish hairs.

- you will experience numbness. You can sit with it & pull your compression socks down for a bit, b/c this is something no one deserves. You just can’t live there.

- patience. You will never have to try harder. Hyper, hyper sensitivity.

- a journey to healing IF ever realized will be the hardest job you’ve ever had to do. More overtime than you can be paid. And u didn’t even interview. In a material result and no result world it’s disconcerting not to “get anything back”

- you’ll think back about previous hard times. How in that moment life was the worst it could ever be. How much time do u have lol. Next bad thing, ugh so much harder. And while all of this is very true, and all real, i will tell you that to know true strength is to come into any light possible while wielding off not just the physical, but all the emotions of the rainbow and mind. This even is a choice. People complimented you about your strength and are inspired by your determination to think u can. Girl were we wrong...you can make all the “Right” choices and healthy habits and still get punked over and over by Kevin McCalister. When I appreciate people now I try to take their “all” of them. Who are they in that moment. It is a different Life. And anyone else’s journey? Maybe I’ll be lucky enough to witness triumph b/c of how many obstacles went unseen. Yet they made it.

- the only person allowed to say “it could be worse” is you. Period. To be otherwise feels a bit like a competition. We, going through it, already know that. I have the same complaint when it feels like some people or orgs compete for who’s ‘wokest’? B/c if that’s why we’re / I’m doing how disingenuous.

- when words/phrases like holiday or vacation or lets Go out give you more Anxiety and worsen your Physical Health—that’s when you know your Life has done a 180. Especially if those were the times you lived for. This hard Truth and reality is one of the hardest for me. I already had Anxiety about unpacking after vacation before I packed in the first place but whether or not waiting until you really have to Go to the bathroom so u can (while you’re up) also get some water is just something I would have thought before as one of the dumbest things I’d ever heard. And how cruel is that knowing what I know and feel now.

- Life is not a give and take like we want it to be. If that were the Case I’m not positive we’d ever know what healing or getting better really means. Not only that—you may give more than any other, and nothing. You may see the best doctors and access to all the Meds and tests put forward. Nothing. Pretty soon things are hollow and harrowing. Kind of like the celebrities Who swear that money does not make you happy. It’s like a bandaid that doesn’t stay on in the shower, the ones at Doc offices u get after shots. With mickey on them.

- I think joy is like a preventative medicine. When you practice taking it, You save it up and changes you. Like any of my tattoos, there’s gotta be a story there or something meaningful even if your answer starts off, “well spring break senior year we were…’ you get it. Hangover 1-3 movies. HappYness fleets around. More drug like. Addictive really. Impulsive. Every big chain company’s biggest threat if they can get us hooked. You just got swindled. Ha and to Go a bit more political—people know this scheme is pyramid like and use sneaky ways to have Power over you. Goodness I’m not trying to make this sound like a happy cult but there’s just Def a difference.

- you are exhausted mind body and Soul and regardless of consequence you have to choose some times to be present b/c for me I don’t want to Miss out on vacations and holiday’s. But it is an hourly debate. But I can’t just sit there every significant interaction.

- you’re tired. You’ve been strong, resilient, ppl tell you and u appreciate it. But I get tired of having to stay strong. It’s just so overwhelming and for me especially b/c “I can do it alone.” I’ve failed at that a few times.

- you’ll notice things you never have before. Suddenly they mean something like whether u can drive to get Food.

- being a bit redundant but part of stewardship on my End is allowing the help. Someone WANTS to do something for you for THEIR spiritual needs. Not in a vain type of Way. Let them. We’ve all been on the other side.

- you will experience a full range of emotions. Address them separately. Ppl still might look up to you.

- you’ll wanna give up. Don’t. Maybe your continuing going on is the stewardship someone recognizes in themselves. Idk. Pay it forward?

- lastly. YOU don’t KNOW everything. Karma could very well be your best friend, but that line of thinking is non productive and will only take u so far before you’re complaining re something else. B/c regardless of what I’ve done, —and given its timing you learn a karma hostage relationship is something easier holding on to than facing it. Just deflect.

That’s okay. When ready move on to the New Testament. I’m not fully there. But, I have to think the puppet analogy doesn’t apply here too. Shit happens. Ask that dude running with Forrest with a tshirt company dream that died and some dog shizz. Just control what you can. Easier said than done. Thats why when we do overcome—it means more. It’s engrained. Forever inevitable if you can continue to separate the wheat from the chaff. Card Game of Bullshit.

- ppl at some point think you’re being dramatic and begging for attention as if any more attention is what would heal us

- comments like you look Good or sound fine fall deaf. Well So do ppl Right before they kill themselves. Anymore how u look doesn’t have Shit of a correlation

- you’ll get on ppl’s nerves

- you’ll be resented and questioned how sick u really are. Trust me faking —that’s the last Fucking thing on our minds.

- I don’t need to explain anything

[toinfinitywinning]

It’s the dangdest thing. Good Doctor visits for acute Illness gone wrong feel 100% better if you leave not feeling worse. Yesterday and today have been 2 days I’d like to forget. Second time I’ve opened my phone today other than to talk with one of 4 Georgetown pharmacies bartering prices while my IVIG clearance is literally just a button click away. Or a✔ yes or no situation. Those decisions have zero emotional attachment to the result. Like Dr. appts Insurance is nice when they’re nice!

I have this renowned Doctor taking special interest in Long-Haul with so much promise…but on a piece of paper. I do not mean that in disrespect—it’s the closest I can explain to how unsettling this whole Virus is for everyone. We see and read things, and yet Covid is still basically a lil’ bit older than a toddler and nothing is that certain and not one of millions of us with longhaul are exactly following the same treatment Plan. Now, this goes for a lot of situations looking for healing in any Way, a cure, but it’s so obvious how far away we might be to understanding this. And that is NOT the doctor’s fault or the scientists working to find something out. There is a difference I’ve found with all my docs that they’ve taken the initiative to keep up with not only their Specialty but as it relates to Covid. I don’t often let myself think about why I’m not getting results and moving backwards in several…areas, but that’s just b/c I feel like it comes off as whiney and needy. But I’d like some. And yet I tell myself that it could be worse or could be dying under concrete or completely bedridden.

Then I realize the two aren’t necessarily comparable and it’s okay to both hold Deep sadness in one shaky hand and sadness in the other for completely a different reason. They can mix. If we don’t allow ourselves to Release from compartmentalization for a bit we might find at least one thing pain and exhaustion and yes suffering we didn’t know existed in mine or anyone’s body!

I have major Anxiety about appointments. B/c the price I Pay having to concentrate and be present and polite and play act you’re in an Easter story just is unfair. Now reading that sounds simple. No gray. Or, Wow, having to concentrate obviously & be present, wake yourself. B/c nothings’s going to be new as in better Right now but you trust the doctors you’re seeing and their integrity and passion to heal and stay current. And as much as I’d like to only celebrate Jesus’ return in several weeks, it feels selfish to say, “well what about us?” It shouldn’t be like this. Either or. It is what it is…no it is never that. At some point I believe there will be a choice. Who knows when or where or why. Just something we’ll feel Led to address and answer.

Curtain.

Lemme get this in…

PS: C’mon young Cats. We looove this Team and want them to succeed so badly b/c we’ve seen it manifest!! We cannot make another defamation record of 4 consecutive home losses. But if any yung Cat happens to see this— no it’s not fair you have the weight of 9 years of mostly irrelevant KY Basketball (given our outrageous expectations but I’ll give in a little) with no Final Four’s or Championship’s, but this Team is special.

[toinfinitywinning]

[toinfinitywinning]

10 posts!

#long haul #Pain #sick #Long Covid #Covid #Hope #winning #Love #gents #Gentry #kentucky #family #taylor swift #georgetown #Movies #books #nike #sneakers #lyrics #resilience #overcome #Chronic #prolonged #Doctor #specialist #procedure #Lab test #results #mental health #healing

[toinfinitywinning]

What you see & hear- or even if you can. Just a cover.

Open it? There’s no tellin’ the worm. But you bought the ticket. It’s your Day 1.

They’re gonna try to break you.

Yk every Day I wake up. And I’m scared of it. Don’t want to. And not b/c im warm in my bed snuggling w/ my feather duvet and rain, with the weight of a horse on my legs play pretending he’s a 3 lb Show shhnowzaa but b/c I’ve already, already lived it. And having been in a constant State of fight or flight, normal or abnormal, sometimes u can’t tell —I still feel bad. W/e differentiation you had to separate the two both ended up at the North Pole but you’ve at least got Santa.

So this means I’m confused all Day but I still want some of Michael’s Secret Stuff Gatorade (haterade) from “welcome to the space jam—alright.” 🎵. To get me through. A safe energy drink. And your body doesn’t ☊ anymore so the more you talk to yourself the saner. It’s just I’ve never had to fake I’m physically okay to be present so much. Physical sickness affects ur mind Health and if you already struggle w/ that my condolences b/c your leg hurts too.

It’s a nightmare never 1-upping to a dream of being without. Then some days it’s will hear a song or remember a Good time or just Start crying-faucet not included. No acute-reason onset. (We gotta find another word for trigger no joke). I only subconsciously wonder will today be better…Will I get better? And I don’t know why I continue to continue being somewhere inbtw positive and negative. All the sudden my mind is taxed and so are your paychecks and I’ve been up for 15 minutes not even thinking I was thinking b/c Truth is, when something becomes your reality for such a Long time, everything just runs together. You’re afraid to feel anything yet know if you don’t it’s not just your body ready to atrophy. Not Good. And it’s a sneaky lil’ mf.

I can’t Imagine the omnipresent (best word for constant I got) Pain people feel having been with Illness their whole lives. How differently their world is shaped. Pain, prolonged cynicism, Illness prolonged, disability prolonged, w/e u used to think about things is gone unless you’re born one of these ways. Now to be clear I was born this Way but not THIS Way don’t get it twisted. Some days I wonder what it would be like to swap around. W/e it is—This presence does not belong to God— but maybe its mere existence really does b/c we won’t have anyone to thank if things get better? And there’s no joy in the things we’ve hoped for and overcome? And everything always has an End result of some kind…Right? If that’s my endgame I can only look at some things very matter of fact-ly. But. Here we are. Pending. Loading. Accept All Cookies. Your Health for potential healing is At the mercy of literally a button click away from quality or lifesaving or changing Medicine or therapy. CAN YOU AFFORD TO STAY ALIVE? Be fired? Bankrupt-ed? Evicted? No college, no trade School, but you work ur butt off to provide but you’re still paid $7.25/hr as I was as head intramural supervisor at Georgetown College. 15 years ago. Not just that, exist, like eating, clothes to wear, some sort of roof. So you’re choosing between crappy and crappier. Literally no difference. How in the is someone even going to try to stay healthy?!

Thankfully I don’t have to worry as much about the material, which, its Stress alone induces more trauma and Anxiety, but I’d bet how we feel physically isn’t too different. All the sudden again in the subconscious where I am all the time I’m figuring and not truly present you really think existentially like how in not God’s name clearly did I get here? I fixed everything. But Life isn’t played by a claw that has never won anybody a teddy bear. I wouldn’t pin karma to me in itself but it sure makes you think.

None of this is about to make sense but it’s where my mind took me.

Think about what was happening in your Life before things changed. Before literally waking up one Morning and knowing that very second things had to change or I was headed toward death a lot faster than I thought until that God moment. I don’t have many of them that are that dramatic but nothing was clearer to me in that moment. And then that Damn bat and conspiracy crap of government population control. If anthrax was sprinkled in Amazon boxes we’d be extinct. But Pretty sure we know how to get rid of people without breaking a beaker or test tube and then turning on a fan just gifting particles. And Unraveling ALL of the many ways of healing I’d finally lived into. I was so close. To every Fk up id invited. And so asking why anymore seems vacant. Echoing. And my ears hurt. ATP I’m More so saying well, I’m not sure that strategy is going to work anymore. Where’s the ღ in Health. It’s lost it. How much are you worth? No, like write down a monetary number on a piece of paper, fold it and slide it across the desk. Insurance companies be like: I see your offer and I’ll raise your offer: have you tried dying yet? B/c you could save a lot of money that way. The money it will take to bury you might even be more deadly.

So The most defeating part is beginning the Day as it ends. When I think about that it’s just like how did I get here? I’m still stubborn about it but maybe regardless of w/e someone accomplishes there’s the reality you’re still living in an imperfect world where you can only control so many things. Even if u gain that control back all those traps R still available. So you can Imagine my surprise when there’s not enough OCD to Go around to control THIS. regardless of what we can have control over, do that, b/c the smaller victories become magnified and walking to the kitchen to take your Meds that may or may not be helping is like an 8-ball w/ only 8 options. Eenie meenie miney. Mo.

I don’t set out to cry or tear up in the videos I share. I’ve always been a cryer. I’ve been told I feel things more intensely so it hits different, does different. The direct quote will remain anonymous but the sentimental pack rat in me wrote it down ASAP. Like, a handwritten letter. You took TIME for me. The quote—It was several years ago and I almost can’t stand it b/c it’s me in whatever kind of Shell is available at the time.

[“people perceive me as an individual who has the kindest of all hearts, but who struggles with the realities of life given that kindness…Like how the tenderhearted feel the pains of the earth more intensely.”]

It’s so true. But if I can’t be real what Good’s that gonna do? For me it further affirms what I already am living. In Edgar’s scary A** pit or with the company of not one canary in the coal mine.

C’ya in the AM. 🫡

[toinfinitywinning]

Guns. Gaza. Greed.

Now that the SB’s over. And it made history for its viewership. Taylor. Andy. Pat. Brittany. Travis, MECOLE WIT DA GAME BALL!: Might ANY of y’all speak out for stricter, ‘more sensible’ people say, gun laws? This was your town! Some people who watch football bc of Taylor might also start to disapprove of our loose gun laws…b/c now they’re not at the parades. Sans Football, anywhere. Everyone loses in this step of conflict resolution. I believe Step 4 on The Office.

Just a bad look all around. It’s just like the-whole-of Swifty’s Swiftie’s maybe were never were interested at all in Football before she entered. Now esp after danger to everyone at the Victory parade? Their own kids, significant’s, animals, family, friends, anything.

I actually dont know what was used today but let’s start with weapons of mass destruction. B/c, they destruct A LOT. A Whole Lot. Rarely a deadly mass shooting in a School, anywhere apparently somewhere done with a country western pistol with a new found pistol w/ bumps and magazines and not an automatic. No one needs that to kill a deer so quickly. I don’t need to go hunting to know that. But we see kids & minorities die. We see them.

Pray all you want. Your strong thoughts should go toward sensible gun laws. Don’t pledge to give more money to Mental Health (since that’s what causes all mass shootings apparently) then strike deals down to actually do so. Even help someone who’s not got a gun with a plan! There are plenty of people perfectly fine who do Evil acts. Just takes once.

And Travis, strike one, Buddy. You say ‘sorry’ in these situations. You danced around that word all but once in everything I’ve read. You understand you literally do have an Army of teens who get mobile phone news and gather with their voices like the Parkland Shooting kids now idk 20yr old.s Ithink have for/against you in a snap of a second. Non-violently ofc. But they’ll Show up.

Rest is on my blog: www.tumblr.com/toinfinitywinning

Travis, no you shouldn’t be judged by one act & b/c of your brother’s testimony on your growth having singlehandedly kept your pro football career alive, but you’ve never had so many more cameras around to catch fools actin’. It’s inspiring. If a constant camera following was the case for all of us we wouldn’t have anything to call out or teach or prove. We want Good things for everyone and you just messed up. Passion or not / heat related. Not to forget to mention that if you were Black —most likely people would be calling for your retirement and have more to say and given the benefit of the doubt. Ya’ll seen Kaep back? Yet he trains. Every. Day. For his chance if he even wants to re associate.

The scariest thing is? I’m a random person. A target, maybe in only one way I can think of target, but I’m also random when you throw me into a parade that’s not Pride NYC random and target too. And none of us want to get that call. You expect a similar call if your child enlists but that’s my assumption. Dying could be inevitable I’m sure they’re told. That’s why you get medals for bravery and being alive still. Or could be someone I Love.

Then it’s personal all of the sudden. Suddenly you care! Waiting gave up. Another gun to the fight will not help since the shooting’s are all … bad surprises. Targets. Many planned for months and weapon’s made in basements, or knew exactly what person or Group to murder.

We didn’t need that much time to take 35k+ lives mostly in Gaza, I’m sure

I don’t wanna fight with anybody. I don’t know Shit about guns but enough to know they’re a problem and not one other place on earth I know of hasn’t figured this out. Instead of the question “What’s it going to help?” …

… Maybe we say first look at the facts. Make an analogy to resonate with you. Speak to a parent whose Parents were sensible gun owners but Who lost their child. Watch a Video of people running for their lives. Look at the wounded. The manifesto’s.

That didn’t work to change mind’s either.

Some want the government to choose for my body…I’d like for them to choose to take away guns completely and listen to the whining.

If the concern we have is cleansing / genocide in mind then there won’t be any more babies. And none to pro-life either. Win-Win.

So the third option that we shouldn’t have needed would be to … change laws. It’s possible how quickly it could happen. Ask a woman. It still blows my mind my Mom couldn’t have her own credit card during the beginning of their marriage so late 70’s.

If you have the platform and say nothing but boiler plate trash speak I feel bad for you—if especially politicians’s greed & NRA endorsements line your Celebrity pockets.

#guns #gun laws #shooting #massshooting #murder #Gaza #AR’s #kansas city chiefs #parade #deceased #wounded #Love #taylor swift #travis kelce #super bowl #Family #Friends #animals #lone wolf #Terrorist #cleansing #genocide #war #mental health #pistol

[toinfinitywinning]

Hellur God? Long-haul thots:

*I promise this one’s worth the read. This had to have been at. least 6 months ago. Most likely scribed that next day.*

Ive hit a healing plateau with long-haul. If anything moving backwards w/ the backup brakes. I was near dead to life when I called Mom alone and actually writhing in pain and legit sounding like I was in more than dire despair. There isn’t much else to do when you’ve reached that Pain threshold. As odd as it is for me to struggle w/ confidence and still not want help b/c I can do everything I’ll never get. Nevertheless Didn’t take long for her to say she’s coming to get me. Of all I’ve been through as an Adult I was whimpering like a puppy for the first time. So lonely. Overwhelmingly frightened.

I used to ask her to rub my back when I was sad still living at home. That Night We stay up until almost 3am. She knows how I’m struggling w/ my Hope meter. We talked about prayer and faith and strength and hope and even the paraclete we got a good laugh at. Which, ok, I am 100% sure no one else’s mother IN THIS GALAXY was talking about.

I felt God. And My Mom she knew I had. But you don’t dare say it out loud & scare it away. She knows ive been frustrated w/ My faith due to circumstance—even a bit skeptical. Flat angry/ She says to me Im glad we’ve had this talk ive been wanting to a long time. Or something like that.

Well, if I didn’t feel God during our talk (and I did) well I definitely felt God when she said that specifically. There’s something ethereal about My Mom. Got her own Cloud already or something. She has like a 12th sense and kind of an aura vibe. Not conceited. Not really even confident really. Just, assured. Like gives no Fx but in a gentle polite Way.

We talked about heaven and Hell and the meaning of prayer and how it can help hold us regardless of w/e we prayed for manifests itself. Talked about death and dying, best Friends, Church, Maundy thursday (exactly LOL, 4am now), pain and suffering, fair and unfair.

Through her soft tears maybe she didn’t know I saw I could see God speaking through her. I don’t say that a lot b/c I think it sounds forced and kinda silly. This was different. Not b/c she didn’t know what to say but the way I received it was assurance and comfort. I actually let God be in conversation with us. Im not sure why My Parents are so great, but thanks be to God.

Toward the end of the conversation she told me she’d had a dream about me the night before. I was like oh Boy. Here we Go!

{Im not sure she even would have told me had i not come over. To me it was insignificant at first. Plus, Having Been talking about healing and free will and priesthood of the believer (again I was trying to sleep not enroll in philosophy yk the kind even further off from the questions of Life & concepts of reality (: ) and injustice. it was poignant and now that I think about it not a coincidence either. I felt God. I think I can count on six definite fingers how many times I’ve actually felt god’s presence bidden or unbidden.}

She said it was a very short dream—I came to her and said “im good, I’ll be okay.” She knows that was a God thing. i did immediately. She’s had so many of them and I think that’s partly b/c she’s opened herself and humbled herself to God. I don’t get it. How she does it.

Jist is she was given hope for me in the dream. The kind you share. Not necessarily that I’ll be healed, if ever, but that despite all I was okay in that moment and going to be okay moving forward. I had my Mom. The only thing that’s made me feel completely safe since I’m able to remember. things like her following my School bus home from Garth being just so obvious so I could slowly learn to be away from her.

Healing might come in other ways and perhaps i could be a vessel for healing for someone else in a similar place. Im puzzled why I often think God isn’t present. I don’t know if ive even given her a chance TBH b/c of all my whining would you like some cheese w/ that whine!

Mom said I need to be confident when im speaking to God. And to truly believe youre worth the time and for living. I’d never thought of it that Way but leave it to my Mom in the nether hours.

Ive had God present so many times and yet I still struggle to keep belief alive and not feel abandoned. Act as if I’ve never been saved but in the moments of the worst Pain you’ve ever been in it’s not the first thing on my mind other than oh. My. Gosh. Thing is, I cant change the past and cant predict the future but I can have a part in the pathway there. I have a lot of heavy Shit every day, all day, but I think that’s HAD to become more a strength than a weakness to compare and think im alone and so complain.

Mom told me I need to find comfort in God. And oddly I’ve not once felt judged asking questions. She told me That it was the fire that kept her burning. Legit told me how she approaches each day. She’s a warrior. And she’s Right. But can Gentry do it? That is always the question.

Im not prepared for anything else awful to happen but I am beginning to let myself be held. I think I told her I haven’t really ever felt that’s what I needed to do. Regardless.

I can be better. I think I am a good person. I know I try. I am going through Hell, but I don’t have to stay there if I can find respite in God. She took my u kno what to (Bible) School.

And never let Go.

I’ll never forget it.

Beauty juxtaposed.

I fell asleep.