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arrow-guy · 4 years

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Broken Flock (12/12)

Summary: It’s been two years since you uprooted your life and left to figure out who you really are, leaving behind Bucky and Clint with little more than a note as a warning. Now, New York is calling your name and it’s time to go home. How will Clint and Bucky react to your return, and how will the time have affected your relationship?

A/N: We’ve reached the end! It’s a little bittersweet to close out this story because I’ve fallen so in love with it and these characterizations. All I can say is that I’m so grateful to have had all of you on this journey with me, and I hope you enjoy the finale!

Page dividers by @carryonmyswansong

Pairing: WinterhawkxReader

Word Count: 4.2k

Warnings: None

Part 11

"Has (Y/N) seemed off lately?"

Bucky briefly looks up from his work. "A little. Why?"

"Dunno," Clint leans back in his seat. "I guess I'm just worried. She went through a lot in that barn. What if it's still messing with her head?"

"It might be." Bucky sighs and moves around the table to sit next to Clint. "We're here for her, right? She can come to us with anything."

"I know, but she doesn't like asking for help. You know that. What if she doesn't feel like she can talk to us? I don't wanna sit by and watch this eat her alive, Buck."

"Y'know, you're a little too empathetic for your own good." Bucky smiles and brushes the back of his fingers against Clint's cheek. "We'll be there for her when she's ready."

Clint nods. "You're right. I just…"

"You worry."

"Yeah. Of course I worry. You saw what she looked like when we found her. That shit broke my heart."

"I know. I felt it too. But we do what we have to for the people we love, right? And… and we love her."

"Yeah?"

"Well, I know that I do. And we're the same with her as we are when we're alone, all tangled up together like we're one person. I don't know about you, but I don't really do that shit with people who're just my friends." Clint chuckles and Bucky squeezes his hand. "When she's not with us, you complain that something's missin', and we both know it's (Y/N)."

Clint hums. "You're right."

Bucky cracks a smile. “I know I am.”

“Maybe we should tell her how we feel.” Clint searches Bucky’s face for any sign of reservation. “After everything we’ve been through together, and the way things are without her, I don’t think I can compartmentalize this.”

“I know.” Bucky scoots closer and Clint bumps his shoulder against Bucky’s. “I mean, we’re already pretty much together in every sense except the title.”

“Exactly.”

“We’re not going anywhere, ‘n she said she’s here to stay.” Bucky sighs. “Maybe we should tell her.”

Clint nods and they fall silent. Bucky can’t stop his mind from racing now, thinking about how (Y/N) will react when they tell her. Will she feel the same? Will she want both of them? The questions keep coming and his anxiety begins to spike, just as Clint starts to fidget beside him. He bounces his leg and bites at his lip, and Bucky can’t help feeling a little more calm knowing that Clint’s anxious too.

“How should we tell her?” Clint asks. “When should we tell her?”

Bucky shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“How do you not know? You’re the one who makes the plans!”

“Clint, all of this is new to us. But what we’ve got with (Y/N) is good-”

“It’s great, actually,” Clint mumbles.

“Exactly. That’s the point. We can tell her when it feels right.”

Clint nods. “Okay.”

“Okay.” Bucky pecks him on the lips and pushes him away from the desk. “Now get outta here, I have paperwork I gotta finish before we can go home.”

Clint grins lopsidedly, and leans forward on his knees. “You kissed me.”

“Sure did.” Bucky looks him over and smiles before he turns back to his work. “Dunno why you’re surprised, we’ve done it before.”

“It’s just that you don’t do it all that often.” Clint shrugs. “It’s kinda nice.”

“You could’ve told me. I’d do it more often.”

“I know.”

“You could kiss me too, y’know.”

“I know, it’s just…” Clint shakes his head and gets up from his chair. “I’ll leave so you can concentrate.”

Bucky sighs. “Clint, c’mere.”

Clint shuffles closer to Bucky, eyebrows raised. Bucky gestures for Clint to lean down and tips his head back, carefully pressing his lips to Clints. Clint slowly responds, moving his hand to the back of Bucky’s neck and humming softly. Bucky pulls back and Clint quickly kisses him once more.

“What was that for?” Clint asks.

“I love (Y/N), but I also love you,” Bucky murmurs.

“I know. I love you too.” Clint combs his fingers through Bucky’s hair. “We don’t say that enough, do we?”

“No, we don’t.”

Clint smiles and heads for the door. “I’ll be at the range. Come get me when you’re done.”

Someone knocks at the door, and I’m momentarily pulled away from my work. I poke my head out of the bedroom and stare at the front door, waiting to see if they’ll just go away. They don’t immediately knock again, so I take my seat and settle back into working.

Unfortunately, they knock again.

I sigh, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and calm myself before getting up and going to the door.

“If you’re selling something, I don’t want it,” I call. “I still have Thin Mints in the freezer from five years ago that I haven’t eaten.”

I open the door and freeze where I stand.

Kate stands in the hallway, purple duffel slung over her shoulder. She smiles and waves.

“Hey.”

“Kate?” My brows pull together. “What are you doing here?”

“I heard from a friend in the Avengers that you were kidnapped-”

“Wait, what friend?” I ask. “Clint didn’t tell anyone what happened.”

“I went to school with someone on staff, they overheard something and passed it on to me.” She waves her hand. “Specifics don’t matter-”

“They kind of do, Kate. That’s confidential information. The fact that they told you is a massive breach of the contract they signed when they were hired.”

“You didn’t tell me what happened to you, (Y/N)!” She plants her hands on her hips. “Do you know how fucking worried I was about you?”

“I’m sorry, Kate. I know it must’ve been stressful. I should’ve been in better contact.”

“Yeah, you should’ve.”

“I’m sorry, Katie, I don’t know what else to say.”

Her bottom lip wobbles and she launches herself at me, arms wrapping around my shoulders, her nose pressed to my neck. I stumble back into the entryway and my muscles immediately scream under the strain of holding her up. I wrap my arms around her to try and lessen the strain, but I’m still not back to my full strength. I can’t keep this up for long.

“I was so scared for you!” she cries.

I sigh and rub my hand up and down her back. “I know.” I try to set her down, but she just tightens her hold. “Katie, you gotta let go. I can’t hold you up like I used to.”

She promptly lets go and drops to the floor. She holds my shoulders and looks me dead in the eye. “What happened to you?”

“Lots of poking, prodding, and needles, with some torture added for flavor.” Her expression morphs into one of horror and I carefully move around her to close the door. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine-”

“I am fine. I’m home and I’m recovering. Clint and Bucky make sure that I don’t push myself too hard.” I walk out to the living room and Kate follows. “I’m not saying I’m healthy or better by any means, but I really am fine.”

“Are you sure?” Kate drops her bag by the coat rack and takes a seat at the kitchen island. “What about your strength?”

“It’s slowly coming back, but I was there for a little over a week before the guys found me. I’ve had just under a week to really recover.” I pass her a bottle of water. “It’s a process.”

“How’d Clint take it?”

“Well, Clint was pretty calm, but Bucky apparently tore through just about every thug that got in his way.”

“Oh?”

“As soon as we got back to the compound everything pretty much went back to normal. Took them a few days to clear me to go home, but things’ve been good since.” I smile to myself and lean against the kitchen counter. “It’s good to be home.”

Kate smiles. “So. Both of them?”

“Hm?”

“Clint and Bucky and you.” She links her hands. “Both of them and you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, what’s going on there?”

“We’re really close. We always have been, but we’ve gotten closer since I got back.”

“Mhm, likely story.”

“There’s nothing more to it than that. You’re just looking for gossip.”

She rolls her eyes. “No I’m not.”

“Uh-huh, likely story.” I push off the counter and head back to the bedroom. “You’re welcome to stay, but I have to get back to work.”

“Oh?” Kate trails along after me and plops down on my bed when I sit at the desk. “You’re still employed?”

“Yeah, my clients were super understanding about the whole thing. The only problem lies in the fact that I’ve got two weeks of work piled up because of my little impromptu getaway.”

“Oh, wow.”

“Mhm.”

“How about I make dinner tonight?”

I stop typing and turn around to face her. “Excuse me?”

“I’ll make you dinner!”

“Please don’t.”

“I’ll go get groceries and make dinner when I get back. It’ll be great!”

“Kate, I love you, but you’re a shit cook.”

“I am not.”

“You can’t manage to cook a frozen pizza.”

She scowls. “I’ve gotten better since you left, and I’ll prove it to you.”

I sigh. “Fine.”

“I’ll be back before you know it, and the whole place is gonna smell amazing.”

I don’t say anything, and she hurries from the room and the front door opens and closes shortly after. I go back to work and barely notice when she gets back an hour later. I do what I can to ignore her as she rummages through my cabinets and drawers, but there’s only so much banging and clattering that I can block out.

Forty-five excruciatingly long minutes later, the front door opens again and I can finally relax a little.

I meet Clint and Bucky in the entryway and immediately wrap my arms around Clint’s middle.

Clint laughs and loops his arms around my shoulders. “Hello to you, too.”

I bury my face in his chest and mumble, “Please make it stop.”

“What?”

“Kate randomly showed up and decided she was gonna make dinner.”

“What?”

“I’m pretty sure she’s destroyed half the kitchen already.”

Clint kisses the top of my head and rubs the space between my wings. “I’ll take care of it.”

“Thank you.”

“Of course.” He moves around me and heads towards the kitchen. “Better figure out where we’re getting takeout from tonight, though.”

Bucky quickly takes Clint’s place and wraps me up in his arms.

“Sounds like you’ve had a rough day,” he says.

I nod. “I don’t really appreciate surprise visits.”

“I know you don’t.” He moves one hand to run his fingers up and down my neck, applying just enough pressure to relieve some of the tension. He hums softly when I relax against his chest. “You seem tense.”

“Because I am,” I mumble.

“Talk to me?”

“I… I’ve been working all day, and I was hoping I could try and get caught up, but then Kate showed up. She was upset that I didn’t tell her about what happened and then she was sad and she just launched herself at me and hugged me.” I shake my head. “If it’d just been a hug, I would’ve been fine, but I’m still too sore for that shit.”

“Is this okay, though?”

“Yeah, this is perfect. You know where and what to avoid.” I sigh. “I just wish my back would stop hurting.”

“Maybe I can help with that.”

“Would you?”

“Of course. Clint’s got Kate covered, it’s only fair that you get a back rub outta the deal.”

“I dunno if that’s how that works.”

“Well I’m not just gonna give you some Tylenol and call it a day. That’d be rude.” He takes my hand and leads me to the living room. “And also the barest fuckin minimum someone could do.”

Bucky takes a seat on the couch and has me sit on the floor between his legs. I lean forward on the coffee table and he starts moving his hands over my back, pressing his thumbs under my shoulderblades, and over the base of my wings before moving on to the small of my back. He works his way back up to my neck and I groan when he moves back between my wings. I push back against his hands and he obligingly digs his fingers in, earning a hum of approval from me.

“That good, huh?” I can hear the smile in his voice.

“Mhm.” I stretch my wings and he laughs. “‘S really nice, Buck.”

There’s a shout from the kitchen before something crashes to the floor. Bucky stops and I cover my face with my hands. Footsteps approach and stop just short of the coffee table.

“The hell was that, Clint?”

“I’m gonna lose my fuckin’ mind before this day is over,” I mumble.

“We’re definitely having takeout tonight,” Clint says.

He drops a bunch of takeout menus on the table, but I refuse to look at them and look up at Clint instead.

“We’re having Thai food.”

“What?!” Kate rushes over to join us. “I don’t like Thai food, though.”

“Kate, you fucked up dinner.”

“Yeah, but-”

“We’re having Thai. End of discussion.” I sigh and scrub my hands over my face. “What broke.”

“That white casserole dish you got from Tony a few years back,” Clint answers.

I squeeze my eyes shut and rub my temples. “I really liked that dish.”

“I know, (Y/N), I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too,” Kate says. “I’ll go clean everything up.”

“I think that’s a good idea,” Bucky mutters.

Bucky hands me his phone and tells me to order dinner while he gets me some Tylenol. As long as he’s known me, I wouldn’t be surprised if he could see the headache slowly spreading through my head. I quietly thank him and dial the number of the Thai place we used to regularly order from. I give them Clint’s name and they ask if I want the regular order.

“No, tonight we’re gonna need three chicken Pud See Ew, two seafood Pud Kee Mao, one chicken Pud Thai, all of those two stars, and then one order of fried rice with tofu.”

“Lots of company tonight?”

“No, we just want leftovers.”

They laugh and I ask them to deliver the food to my apartment instead of Clint’s. They oblige and let me know the food will be here in about half an hour. They promptly hang up and Bucky is back with the Tylenol and a glass of water before I can even put the phone down.

“You’re the best, you know that, right?”

Bucky laughs and hands the medication and water over. “I didn’t, but thanks.”

I hum and take the pills before hauling myself to my feet. “I’m gonna go back to work till the food gets here.”

“You sure about that?”

“Yeah, I’m still up to my eyeballs in first drafts. I’ll drown, if I’m not careful.”

“Don’t push yourself too hard.”

“I’ll try not to.”

I work until Clint pokes his head into my room to say the food’s arrived. It’s a little later than promised, but still hot enough to eat regardless. Everyone gathers around the coffee table to share each dish, but Kate sticks to the fried rice, as I thought she would.

When I finish my meal, I get up, kiss Clint and Bucky’s cheeks, and let them know I’ll be working for a while longer. Clint complains, but doesn’t do anything to stop me.

After almost an hour, the sounds of their conversation fade into white noise, and I barely even register them as I work. I wish I could be out there with them, but I know that there’s no way that I can reasonably expect to relax until I’ve made some kind of dent in my inbox.

It’s totally dark when Clint comes into the bedroom and drags me and my chair away from the desk. I protest, but he just closes my laptop and picks me up under my armpits.

“This is ridiculous,” I mutter. “I can walk by myself.”

“I don’t trust you not to go right back to work.”

“But there’s so much of it… Can you please just put me down?”

“Nope.” He tosses me over his shoulder. “Hurry up, Buck!”

“Where are you taking me?”

“Bathroom. You’re gonna get ready for bed.”

“But my pajamas-”

“On the bathroom floor, where you leave them every single morning when you get dressed.”

I sigh. “Sometimes it’s annoying that you know me so well.”

"Comes with the territory, sweetheart."

"I know… still." I whap him with my wing and he laughs. "Annoying."

Clint deposits me in the bathroom and leaves to check on Bucky. I shut myself in and get ready for bed, taking my time brushing my teeth and washing my face. When I'm done, Clint and Bucky are cuddled up in bed. They shuffle away from each other when I approach and I hold up a hand to stop them.

"I can spoon Clint tonight," I say. "I don't need to be between you."

"But we want you between us," Bucky says.

"I… why? I've been in the middle for a week. Don't you miss getting close to Clint?"

"We can switch things up some other night. But right now, I like knowing that you're safe."

"And we know that you're safe when you're sandwiched between the two of us," Clint adds.

"But one of you always wakes up with a mouthful of feathers. Wouldn't it just be easier-"

Bucky cuts me off. "Please don't fight us on this, (Y/N). We just wanna be close to you."

I nod and climb into the bed and lay between with my back to Clint. I fold my wings tight against my back, but Clint doesn't move closer. Slowly, I roll onto my stomach and extend my right wing to cover him. He shuffles across the mattress and presses his chest to my back. He relaxes when I settle against him and Bucky then moves closer and wraps his arm and Clint and I.

“Where’d Kate go?” I ask.

“She called America for a portal home,” Clint says.

“I didn’t mean to chase her off,” I mumble.

“You didn’t.” Bucky kisses my forehead. “She thought you needed someone to stick around with you for a couple of days, but didn’t realize that you’ve already got us.”

“I’m sensing something else happened.”

Clint laughs. “We gently explained that she stressed you the fuck out showing up like she did. She doesn’t always think before she does stuff like that, so she didn’t see it at first.”

“I did kind of ignore her though. Probably shouldn’t’ve done that.”

“You didn’t ignore her. You kind of go into your own little world when you’re working.” He pauses for a moment and presses his forehead to the back of my neck. “Kind of worries us sometimes.”

“Oh.” Clint’s arms tighten around me and I look at Bucky to see if he feels the same. He just nods. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Bucky murmurs.

“But I do. And I’m sorry if I’ve been distant since we got back home, and I’m sure I have. I talked to my clients, and they were really understanding about the situation, but I’m still almost three weeks behind on my workload.” I sigh. “That’s not a good excuse, but I’ve just been so swamped that I’ve barely had any room to think about anything else.”

Bucky closes his eyes, and sighs. I can see the tension leave his body, and Clint’s hold on me relaxes. I reach back with my left hand and gently comb my fingers through Clint’s hair and take Bucky’s hand with my right. Bucky meets my eyes and I silently ask him to explain.

“We were worried that something about the barn was still messing with your head,” Bucky says. He squeezes my hand and holds it to his chest. “I know what that’s like, and I’d never want you to go through that alone.”

“Oh, Buck…” Clint mumbles something much to the same effect against my neck. “I didn’t mean to worry you. Either of you.”

“We’re always gonna worry about you, (Y/N),” Clint says. “We-I…”

Bucky finishes Clint’s sentence, saying, “We’re always gonna worry about you, because we love you.”

“You… me?” Bucky nods and I quickly sit up and look between both of them. “Both of you?”

“Yeah,” Clint rolls onto his back and looks up at me. “Both of us.”

“Oh.”

“We were literally talking about how to tell you when we were at the tower earlier.”

“We weren’t expecting an opportunity so soon, though,” Bucky adds.

“What about you two?” I ask, voice small.

They look at each other and smile.

“We love each other,” Bucky says. “And we have for a long time, but we’re not complete if our relationship doesn’t include you.”

“You’re our missing piece.” Clint shrugs. “I don’t know if there’s much to say past that.”

“Oh.” They’re quick to reassure me that they don’t want to pressure me into anything. I just laugh and shush them. “No, that’s not it. I’m just surprised.”

Clint frowns. “Really?”

“I mean… I didn’t doubt that you two loved me before, I guess I just didn’t want to assume that it was more than what we’d already expressed.” I sit back on my heels and sigh. “But more than that I just… when we were leaving the compound, it really hit me how much I love you two. How much being with you and having you in my life means to me, after everything we’ve been through.”

Bucky nods. “We just don’t wanna be quiet about it anymore.”

“I don’t either. But ever since I met the two of you, you’ve been my closest friends, and I…” I fiddle with the hem of my shirt. “I guess, I-I just don’t want any of this to change our relationship.”

Bucky props himself up on one elbow and covers my hands with his. “Nothing needs to change. Things are perfect the way they are.”

“I mean… it’d be kind of be nice to kiss you,” Clint mumbles.

“I think that kind of goes without saying,” Bucky says.

I laugh. “I dunno, that’s a pretty big change.” Both men freeze and I laugh harder. “I never said no.”

Clint grins and quickly sits up. He looks between Bucky and I and Bucky just shakes his head.

“Don’t look at me,” he says. “You gotta ask her.”

Clint shakes his head. “Right, I know.”

I reached out and ran the back of my finger over his cheek before cupping his jaw in my hand. His expression softens and he slowly leans in and presses his forehead to mine. Bucky laces his fingers with mine and I tilt my head to the side to press my lips to Clint’s. He readily responds, gently kissing me back, almost as if he’s worried he’ll scare me off. I pull away and peck him once more on the lips. Clint wraps his arm around my middle and ducks his head to kiss my neck. I laugh and shiver at the feeling of his stubble against my skin.

“How was it?” Bucky asks.

“It felt right,” I answer. I meet his eyes and he smiles. “Kind of like we’ve been doing it the whole time.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm.” I wiggle my eyebrows at him and he laughs. “You want a turn?”

He sits up fully and places his hand on the back of my neck. “Of course.”

He traces his thumb along my jaw and I lean into his touch. Bucky leans in and bumps his nose against mine before brushing our lips together. I let out a shaky breath when he does it again and tip my head up to kiss him. He smiles against my lips and I hum softly. When he pulls away, he brushes his thumb over my cheek and smiles in the way that makes his eyes crinkle at the corner.

“That was nice,” I murmur.

“It was.”

“Definitely looked like it,” Clint says.

I laugh and Bucky wraps his arms around Clint and I. Somehow, they manage to comfortably situate me on both of their laps. I enclose the three of us in my wings and slowly relax into the warmth of their arms. Clint and Bucky figure out a way to kiss me at the same time, which only results in the three of us laughing.

Eventually we get too tired to stay upright and we collapse in a pile on the bed. Bucky pulls the covers up over us and slips his hand under my shirt to splay across the small of my back, just under Clint’s.

“I love you,” Clint mumbles.

“Me too,” Bucky says. “Both of you.”

My heart swells and I blanket them with my wings. “I love you, too.”

“G’night, (Y/N).”

“G’night,” I murmur.

My eyes grow too heavy to keep open and I drift off to sleep, wrapped up in Clint and Bucky’s arms.

I promised a happy ending, and here we are! I won’t lie, I’m kind of in love with this chapter, and I feel like it ends the series really nicely.

However, I’d love to know what you thought! I always love seeing your reactions, so please comment, reblog, like, and/or shoot me an ask!

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#winterhawkxreader #readerxwinterhawk #bucky barnesxreader #readerxbucky barnes #clint bartonxreader #readerxclint barton #winterhawk #bucky barnes #clint barton #reader insert marvel fic

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ffsfinneas · 4 years

Text

Changes ( The O’Connells )

with @billiepeilish

When: Earlier today

Where: The O’Connells’ house

Finneas: After the festival was over, Finneas came back home, to stay with Melissa. The baby was almost coming and he didn't like the idea of her being all alone if she went into labor. After making sure Melissa was settled down okay, he decided to go to his parents not only because he hadn't seen them in a while but also because he wanted to tell them about Melissa and his new relationship. He could only hope that their reaction was be better than Billie's because even though he understood her position, he hated that his sister didn't trust him enough to believe that he could make his own choices and support the fact that he was happy. By now, he was over it though, he didn't want to argue with her over it anymore and he could only wait and hope that his little sister would come around. Arriving at the house, Finneas let himself in with the spare key that his mom had given him when he moved out. The house was too quiet and that's when he heard Billie talking, he guessed on the phone with someone. Finneas frowned at the words that were being said and walked towards her bedroom, knocking on the door as he waited for her to open up. Even though he was upset and a little angry, he wasn't going to just burst into the bedroom like a crazy person, he tried his best to stay calm, because that's how he was.

Billie: To say Billie was angry and hurt at the situation with her brother was an understatement. She really couldn’t believe that finneas didn’t even try to understand where her concerns were coming from. But instead dismissed it for some girl who had him wrapped around her finger. It wasn’t something Billie liked to see. But when her brother legitimately never came back around after weeks went by, she decided to take matters into her own hands. Prior to the festival Billie reached out to a handful of new producers. If finneas wanted space from her, she’d surely give it to him. No sense in working with someone, especially your brother, when they don’t want you around. She made sure to make all her appointments after the festival because she didn’t it want it to affect their last performance together. All day she was on phone call after phone call with different producers. And while they were all nice and kind to her, none of them really stuck out to her. Not yet at least. She was on her next phone call, finally vibing with a producer, Lee Major, who produced one of Jay-Z’s album. “Dude yeah, I like the direction you could go with that! I can definitely send you some recording samples I did a few days ago that I’ve been sitting on because I didn’t have anyone to run it by. I already started working on my new album, but I can take anything that I wrote and shift it to work with you and you can produce the next album if that’s cool?” She said to Lee Major, only to be cut off by a knock on her door. Continuing to talk, Billie opened the door to see finneas standing there. She was not expecting him over. “Uh, Lee, let me call you back?” She asked as she clicked her phone off and turned around, walking over to her lyric book and shutting it closed. It was a small gesture but she didn’t want to finneas to see the new things she had been working on while they weren’t speaking. “Mom and dad won’t be home for another few hours” she said coldly as she pushed past her brother and grabbed the car keys, trying to make way to get out of his space.

Finneas: Finneas would've understood if Billie wanted to work with another producer because she wanted to do something different from what they have been doing, if she wanted to get new experiences with someone else. But he knew this wasn't the case, she was letting go of him because of their argument, something that had nothing to do with their professional life. And without even talking to him first about it. Finneas didn't want to let it show just how hurt he was by this situation but the sadness in his eyes would've been obvious to Billie, they knew each other well enough to know when one isn't okay. "You're gonna drop me? Just like that? And working with another producer?" He asked as he followed his sister out of the bedroom, walking up to her and getting between her and the door. There was no way he was going to let her leave the house without them talking about this first. "You're going to pretty much throw away everything we did, everything we worked for because of an argument? One that doesn't even have anything to do with our professional life?" He shook his head, he never thought it would go this far or that it would get this bad. "We need to talk and you're not leaving this house until we do."

Billie: The younger female let out as exasperated sigh when Finneas stepped in front of her and blocked the door. "Oh my god, are you serious?" She said in an aggravated tone as she rolled her eyes and put the car keys back down on the table. "Being dropped sucks, right? Super cool of you to care when it comes to our professional lives but not our own personal relationship." The girl fired back, with clear hurt laced through her words. She was already on the verge of tears, but instead she turned on heel and made her way back to her bedroom, stopping momentarily to pull out her phone so she could text Jordan because she could feel her anxiety begin to bubble up.

Finneas: Finneas let out a sigh at her words, shaking his head. "I never dropped you, you're the one who couldn't accept the fact that I was finally happy again!" He watched as she left the living room and went back to her bedroom, following behind her. He wasn't going to let her lock herself away, they really needed to talk about this and try to solve things, he hated to be mad at his sister because even though she might think otherwise, she's still the most important person in his life. "I care! I really fucking care but I thought you needed the space to think about it." He paused, shaking his head. "Look, I get it okay? I get it why you were so worried and so against this, but you have to trust that I can make my own decisions, Billie. This isn't about choosing her over you, you know you'll always be the most important person in my life." Finneas remained on the doorstep, not wanting to invade her space.

Billie: The singer rolled her eyes when she heard just how happy Finneas was, as if that was the reason why she was against the relationship. Shaking her head, Billie stopped dead in her tracks and turned around to face him. "You? Care?" She asked really calmly, absolute disbelief showing on her features. "Tell me how during all of this you showed me that you cared about me, Finneas? Because this whole argument we're having is because I care about you more more than you give a fuck about me." Her voice was sturdy but calm at the same time. She knew she was on the verge of a huge panic attack and needed to keep her cool. Something she once trusted her brother with helping her through, she no longer felt. "Yeah, and you gave me my space. So much space that I need to get a new producer." She said as she waved the brand new lyric book in front of Finneas to show him how much writing she had done since they stopped talking but never went over because their personal relationship had clearly affected their professional one.

Finneas: Finneas shrugged his shoulders at her words. "What did you want me to do? From the beginning you showed how unsupportive you were, how much you hated the idea of me being with her without even giving it a chance. Yeah, I get it that you don't have to meet her if you don't want to, that's not even the point. I never said you had to meet her, I only suggested that you could." He paused. "I fucking care about you and if you really believe that I don't then obviously you don't know me at all. I'm here now, aren't I? And I'm trying to fix it but I can't if you won't let me." He stepped into the bedroom this time, he knew his sister and he knew she was stressing herself out too much, he knew how this would end if they keep arguing like this. "Because I thought that's what you wanted! You know you could've come to me at any minute of any day and I would be there for you. You're my sister, you'll always be my priority." He paused. "What do I need to do to prove it to you? Do you want me to end things with her?" As much as it would hurt, Finneas would break it up because he couldn't lose Billie. As much as he liked Melissa, if sacrificing his happiness was what it took to keep his sister in life, then he would do it. "I don't want to lose you. And I'm not talking about being your producer, if you want a new one then get a new one, but I don't want to lose you as my sister, my best friend."

Billie: The younger girl watched as her brother took a step inside, her brows furrowing at how anxious she was getting. Yes, her brother knew exactly what to do to help bring her down, but right now he was the cause of this anxiety and she was trying to control it the best she could. She had her phone opened up to Jordan's number if she needed to call him. "How unsupportive I was? By caring about how you're throwing your life away to take on issues that you shouldn't?" She said, taking a step back to throw the book on her bed. "You say I could have come to you but if the roles were revered, you know damn well you wouldn't have came to me either" She said as she shook her head. Billie rolled her eyes, her only attempt for holding back tears. "Do I want you to break up with her? Yes. But it's too late for that now, Finneas. When I told you that you should have broken up with her in the beginning, that's when you should have done it. But now? You can't do that. You leaving her now after you're already balls deep for her would make you an asshole to her. You made your bed, now lay in it. But don't you dare come to me when she breaks your heart or goes off on you." She said, her tone filled with pain. She did care about her brothers happiness, which is why she went so hard on protecting him.

Finneas: Finneas shook his head at her words. "I'm not throwing my life away, that's what you don't get. I'm not going to be a father, Billie. Melissa made it pretty clear to me that if I didn't want to have anything to do with the kids than I wouldn't have to. But they're apart of her life and she shouldn't be crucified over the fact that life fucked her up so many times." He sighed, he knew she was right, he wouldn't have gone to her either. "Maybe, but I also wouldn't have tried to find a new producer without even talking to you first." Finneas crossed his arms over his chest as he looked down at the floor. He knew she was right, Melissa would hate him if he broke up with her now, but did he have a choice? He was about to lose Billie, the one person who matters the most to him. "Yeah, you're right, I really like her and she really makes me happy. I'm the first person in years that she trusts enough to let into her life, she's not just using me Bil. But I'm not ready to lose you, I can't lose you. There's no point on anything if you're not around, if I can't share the good things and my happiness with you." He paused. "She won't break my heart. And she's not using me, she's not that kind of person. I know you're worried about me and my happiness, you think I'll get my heart broken again but I'm pretty sure you would think this of any girl I might date because you know how fucked up I was after Claudia. You have to trust me and my judgement, I really appreciate your concern but I don't want us to argue over this anymore, I want my sister back."

Billie: "You think I don't like her because she has kids? Are you insane? Is that what you've been telling people? I don't like her because I don't think she's good for you. Period. It has nothing to do with her kids." Billie rolled her eyes and shook her head, not wanting to talk to Finneas anymore. It was like they were going right back to square one where he just threw his assumptions on her and didn't even bother to listen to what she was saying. "I dont care, Finneas. Do whatever you want. It sucks when people don't talk to you about things, right? Imagine how I felt. But you showing me you only cared to work on this because our profession with each other was at risk? That fucking hurts, Finneas." And that was it, Billie felt the tears she was holding back stream down her face. These past few weeks without her brother was absolutely horrible. And even if she wanted to change it she didn't think it was possible for them anymore. And it was killing her inside because she never ever wanted to lose her brother.

Finneas: Finneas shrugged. "That's what you told me, that she wasn't right because she had kids with two different guys. And why don't you think she's good for me, Billie? Tell me then, you don't even know her." He said, shaking his head at her words. That was what he thought since their argument, that Billie thought she wasn't good for him because she already had two kids and just needed someone to be a dad for them. That was why he was so angry at first because he knew that wasn't the case at all, Melissa made it pretty clear to him that he didn't have to deal with her kids if he didn't want to. "I'm here! I'm talking! But I need you to talk to me too. We weren't talking before, we were fighting and that's not healthy. But now, I think we both had enough time to calm down and talk like actual adults." He sighed. "This is not about our profession, I don't fucking care if you get a new producer! Yeah, it fucking hurts that you're replacing me but if you think that's what best for you and your career then do it. This is about losing my sister and that shit I can't handle." Finneas shook his head and looked down, feeling his own tears coming to him as well. "I don't know what else to say or do to fix this. If I knew this would happen, I would've stayed fucking single for the rest of my life."

Billie: "It has nothing to do with the kids though. It's *her*, Finneas" Billie said shaking her head. "I'd absolutely never blame the kids for her actions and lack of responsibility. My issue is with her and only her" The younger girl let out a heavy sigh as she just couldn't really grasp why her brother wasn't worried about this situation. "I'm not asking you to stay single forever, Finneas. I'm asking you to be smart. If you think you aren't about to play daddy to these kids, you are sorely mistaken. Those kids are gonna fall on to your shoulders as if they were yours, no matter what." The singer made her way over to her bed and sat down, pulling the comforter over her as she curled herself into a little ball. "I just know deep down this is a mistake. But do whatever you want. I don't want to have a say anymore in this because it doesn't matter what I say or think. You're gonna do you and you're adamant about making your own mistakes, so go ahead." She said softly as she laid her head down on the pillow and closed her eyes.

Finneas: Finneas sighed at her words. He understood though, where she was coming from, why she was so worried about him and this relationship. But all he wanted was for her to trust his judgement, to believe that what she's afraid of won't happen. "Look, you don't have to meet her if you don't want to, but if you gave it a chance you would understand." Finneas would never force his sister into doing something she didn't want to do or that she wasn't comfortable with, but it really would've meant a lot to him if she at least tried. "I won't Billie. The kids' fathers are in their lives. The unborn baby, the father is Melissa's best friend, they tried dating at some point but figured out that they worked better as friends. She didn't plan to have two kids from two different guys and maybe you're right, maybe it was irresponsible of her and she should've been more careful but she shouldn't get judged for the rest of her life because of it." He shrugged his shoulders, moving over to sit down on the bed. "I don't want to argue anymore. I appreciate your concern and I understand where you're coming from, but I'm just asking you to trust me and my judgement. She makes me really happy Billie and she's making me feel loved again."

Billie: "I'm not gonna meet her, Finneas. Nor am I going to give her a chance. She makes you happy? Fine. But I don't owe her any of that. I don't trust her or her story. I'm not judging her, I'm stating my opinion based on facts and her actions that no one asked her to do but herself." Billie said sternly as she looked over to her brother who was now sitting down next to her. "This is gonna change a lot between us. A lot. We can work together, but our closeness now is gonna have to stop. You're my brother, but I'm not gonna be around someone when my opinion doesn't matter. We'll just keep things between us strictly about the music, and that's it." She said in a defeated tone. Billie knew in her heart that her brother was making a mistake. But she didn't want to be around anymore when he was with someone she had such a terrible gut feeling about.

Finneas: "Okay, I hope one day you'll change your mind about it when you realize just how serious we are about this but I respect your position." He didn't say anything about her words, there was no point on continuing to speak about it because he knew Billie wouldn't change her mind about this, she was too hard headed. Finneas stared at her for a few moments, he couldn't lie, her words felt like someone was stabbing him through his heart and ripping it out. No matter what, Billie is the most important person in his life and he can't lose, he didn't know what he would do if he lost the connection they had with one another. "You really mean that?" He asked, turning his head to look at her. "Your opinion matters Billie ... do you want me to break up with her? I'll do it if that's what it takes to not lose you Billie. I can't lose you." He paused. "You know you're the most important person in my life and that's never going to change. I'm sorry if I made you feel like your opinion didn't matter or that I was trying to force you to do something that you didn't want to do. I guess I just thought you were gonna be happy for me and I got caught off guard by your reaction."

Billie: Funny enough the talk about his girlfriend wasnt the hard part. The talk about their personal relationship on the other hand? This was hard. Since the day Billie had any kind of memory, Finneas was her best friend and role model. She wanted to grow up to be like him, as smart as him, as kind as him, as thoughtful and considerate as him. But this whole experience showed her that at the end of the day, he initially chose someone else over her. And it killed Billie more than she could explain. But she was trying her hardest to use this as a learning opportunity and to grow from this. "I do, yeah." She was lying, because Finneas was the most important person to her, but this was about growth. "Finneas, if on day one you had told me you didn't like Jordan, I would have rethought my whole relationship with him. You breaking up with Melissa now, months later, isn't what I want for you. That ship has sailed, I told you that. You're in too deep with her now. We're blood. And this whole thing just made me realize I had to rethink everything our relationship stood for. That I gotta take a step back and let you go a little."

Finneas: If this is what Billie wanted then Finneas couldn't do anything else but to respect her choice and her position. It hurt like hell, it hurt more than any break up or anything else he ever went through but if this was something that she needed to do, then Finneas would have to deal with his pain by himself and let his sister go, grow up. One day it would happen, he knew it but he just hated that it happened like this. "I would never tell you that I didn't like him without even knowing him, I gave him a chance. And he's good to you, I've never seen you this happy before. You would see the same happening to me if you would just look past her situation." He shrugged his shoulders and stood up from the bed, making his way towards the door. "You do what you gotta do Billie. If this is what you need then I'll respect it. I'll just be your producer from now on." He told her before opening the door and walking out of her bedroom, making his way out of the house as well and leaving.

#para:changes #billiepeilish

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twoidiotwriters1 · 4 years

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Starcrossed Losers VII (Josh Wheeler xReader)

A/N: So I guess most of you already heard the news about Daybreak… It sucks, and I’m really upset about it, but don’t worry, I won’t stop writing about the show, I love the story and I think as long as there are people interested in it, we can keep it alive. With nothing else to add, I hope you enjoy the chapter, see you on Thursday

Words: 4,153

Warnings: Blood, dead people, feelings, Y/N has a breakdown at some point and Eli is there to kinda calm her down??? idk, bad writing cause I just can’t proofread to save my life.

Previous chapter // Next chapter

I sent Wesley and Angelica to talk to Eli but it was a failure so now I’m waiting here while they get medicines from another place. I’m hungry as hell and waiting for a solution isn’t helping my anxiety. So I write a third note apart from the ones Wesley and Angelica put about going to the pharmacy on Josh’s hand saying I‘m looking for more bandages (cause now we only have one left) and that he better don’t move from where he is or I’ll knock him off again.

See? this is what I mean, people only cause you problems if you’re a good person. Will Josh wake up to thank us for doing all this stuff? Probably not, cause he’s too busy thinking about kissing Sam to be a decent human being.

But who am I to judge anyway, is not like I was the embodiment of selflessness. I was going to end Alex’s relationship, that’s the kind of person I am.

——————————————

“Alex, hey! Alex!” I’ve been standing outside his place for what it feels like the longest time, it’s freezing and dark out here; if my parents notice I’m not home I won’t hear the end of it, but this is important. I need to know exactly where I’m standing on Alex’s life.

‘Y/N, you literally told us like two chapters ago that you and Alex never talked about the kiss, what the hell are you doing?’ Well…

“Y/N? Is all okay?”

Just keep reading.

“Stuart,” I say in a tone of surprise, “I didn’t know you were coming over to Alex’s”

“Yeah, we’re gonna watch a movie” Stuart says, giving me a curious look, “I didn’t know he had invited you”

“He didn’t,” I say quickly, “no, I just need to talk to him about something… school stuff.”

“School?”

“I know it’s late, but you know me,” I shrug, trying to sound as casual as posible, “I got all anxious about it and he wasn’t answering my texts, so…”

“Oh, I think it’s because he’s taking a shower,” He smiles, “but hey, let’s go inside so you don’t freeze to death.”

“I really don’t wanna bother…”

“Come on, Y/N, you’re a friend,” Stuart replies, “it’s better if you stop worrying about it and ask him, you’re here anyway.”

We walk inside Alex’s house and I sit on the edge of the couch, unable to control my anxiety. I look over to my friend and a sudden idea hits me. I could tell him and all would be over…

Stop! What did Katie just told you? I can’t do it with Stuart here, I can’t ruin their date. I can’t ruin my friends’ relationship just cause I’m confused about my own feelings. This is dumb, I can live with the doubt, I don’t have to do this. I’ll tell Stuart to not worry about it and I’ll-

“Y/N?” Alex appears at the end of the stairs, his hair is damped and his shirt has tiny droplets. But overall he looks nice.

And that’s when I realize, Alex never dressed like that for our outings. Or for when I was the one going over to his house to watch movies. He never did any of those nice things he does for Stuart. I discovered (with lots of pain) that if I ask him right now to tell me who is he in love with, he’s not gonna say my name.

And that’s all I needed to know.

“Uh, hi,” My voice comes out hoarse, I try to fix it before I continue, “you know what?” I look over to Stuart, “I can fix it on my own, don’t worry about it. Thanks for letting me in though.”

“Are you sure?” Stuart asks me in confusion.

“Yeah, I’m sure. You…” I look intently to Alex, making sure he knows what I mean with what I’m about to say, “clearly have something more important going on here. Don’t worry, I’ll do fine.”

Alex opens his mouth to answer but nothing comes out. He stares at me with a pained expression. Stuart walks me out since he’s the closest to me.

“Enjoy the night for me, will you?” I ask him once we’re outside, “and take care of Alex, he’s the only best friend I have.”

“Sure thing, boss,” He chuckles, “have a good night, Y/N. Try to not get so easily scared about little things.”

——————————————

“I don’t get easily scared,” I grumble, holding tightly the bandages against my chest, “fucking Stuart, being super nice…”

My rambling dies as soon as I’m in front of Josh’s bed. He’s tied up and has a piece of fabric on his mouth. Crumble is standing beside him.

“Uhm,” I look at her, “what the fuck?”

“He’s safe,” She mumbles, looking at his hand with hunger, “Don’t worry, he still has all of his body parts. Except for the finger.”

“I want to ask… but at the same time, I’m too afraid to do so,” I shake my head, and put the bandages on the table next to me, “that’s enough, we’re fixing this on our own, Crumble. I’m talking with Eli myself, he’ll give me whatever it is he has on that fucking pharmacy and he will do it, now,” I point to Crumble expecting to look at least a bit threatening, “no biting while I’m gone!”

“No biting,” Crumble shakes her head with enthusiasm.

Cut to five minutes later, I’m standing next to the curtain and screaming to get his attention.

“Eli Cardashyan, get your ass here right now!”

“Ah, have you guys come to your senses?” He’s got an annoying smirk on his face, “Do you have my lotion?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I ask, “No. Wesley and Angelica haven’t returned but Josh is getting worse and I need medicine. Please.”

“Open this shit up, then.”

“No can do, Wesley took the keys with him,” I reply.

“Then I’m sorry but I can’t help you.”

“Can you stop acting like a child for a second?” I huff in exasperation, “Neither Josh or I ever did anything to you at school. Help him.”

“But you saw,” He points his finger and wiggles it through the curtain, “you saw how they treated me and you never did anything about it.”

“Dude, if I would’ve tried to help every single student that the jocks mistreated I’d have been killed in the first month. I wasn’t fucking Sam Dean, no one knew my name and sure as hell no one respected me more than they respected you. How important is that now anyway? That happened months ago when dogs were still normal size.”

“Well, now more than ever my survival depends on whether or not I like or trust you. And I don’t. So I want you out of here.”

“Fine,” I try to grab his finger but he takes it back, “give me the medication and I’ll make sure we all leave the mall tomorrow morning.”

“For real?” His eyes widened.

“Well, yes asshole. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“I was fucking with you just to get on your nerves,” Eli raises his hands, “I have no medicines.”

“You don’t… What?!”

“I told Wesley before, I don’t have what he needs. That’s why they decided to look for it elsewhere,” He chuckles, “but it’s good to know you’re easily persuaded.”

“Fuck you, Eli!” I exclaim, “All I’m trying to do is to keep Josh alive, cause I don’t run away from problems and I’m totally capable of facing them, okay?! I need him to be okay, cause then all I did was a waste of time!”

And I’m having a crisis, I’m totally having a crisis when I fall to the floor crying over a stupid dying boy.

“Hey, calm down,” Eli scrunches down to be at my level, though he can’t really touch me cause I’m sitting way further, he stays as close to the curtain as possible, “I’m sure Wesley and Angelica will get them, don’t lose it.”

“I’m such an asshole,” I cover my face with both hands, completely unable to stop the tears, “I can’t seem to do the right thing no matter what”

“What do you mean? You’ve been taking care of Josh for a whole day, you’re not an asshole.”

“I’m only doing it cause I feel guilty!” I shake my head, “I did something horrible to my best friend and my sister, and now I want to fix it with another human being so I feel less guilty about my shit. And I just fucked it up again. I should pack my bags and leave”

“Dude whatever you did, I’m sure it doesn’t make you a monster. I mean, Baron Triumph already took the title.”

I hate this. I’m drowning in stress and I’m telling this to Eli out of all people. Now he most certainly will use it against me and I can’t do anything about it. The worst part is that I’m truly scared of what might happen to Josh if we don’t give him the right treatment. He still has the chance that was taken from me months ago. He can be reunited with the person he cares about the most.

I manage to calm down enough to clear my head and stand up, I clean my face and I look over to Eli with a threatening expression.

“For the record, I’m not crying because of Josh”

“Yeah, I could tell because your speech had no shit to do with him”

“I just have a lot to deal with,” I take a deep breath before continuing, “I know I’m not a monster. I said I was an asshole. And if you tell them anything of what just happened I will-”

“No need to put a knife on my throat,” He interrupts me, “I won’t tell them.”

“How do I know you’re being honest?”

“Cause you just had a breakdown in front of me and I don’t want to see that again, that shit’s scary,” Eli stands up too, “whatever happened before the nuke, well, you said it, it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s all bullshit now.”

“But you said…”

“Yeah, whatever,” Eli starts to walk away, “go back to Josh, make sure he’s not swallowing his tongue or something.”

I really want to keep the conversation going, but he’s right. I should go back to Josh. And thank fuck I did, cause I came back to a horror show.

Crumble was sitting at the edge of the bed, watching a bowl filled with larvae as they were eating out of Josh’s hand.

“Am I going to come back to some freaky shit every time I leave you alone?” I ask in fear, pulling her away from the bed, “What is going on?”

“They’re eating the infection,” She replies happily, “you said we were gonna fix this, so I helped you fix it.”

I look at his hand and I can’t see the skin, but we saw something about it in class, I think, like a semester ago. I don’t know what to say except for…

“Thanks,” I sit on the chair I slept in last night, “I can’t believe we didn’t think of that.”

“It’s cause you can’t think with an empty stomach,” Crumble nods, “we can share my worms after they’re done if you want”

“I don’t eat people…” I scrunch up my nose in disgust, “or worms. Or infections. Thank you for the offer, though.”

“Okay,” she turns around and goes back to have a conversation with her dolls.

“It’s been a hard couple of days,” I mumble, looking at Josh and trying to feel okay with the gross sound of the larvae eating his flesh, “but somehow, I’m okay with it.”

I try to remember exactly how did Josh and I meet. The first time, I mean. When we did our school project.

“Y/N L/N and… Josh Wheeler” Crumble mentions, and I straighten up in my seat.

“Who the hell is Josh Wheeler?” I say under my breath.

“That’d be me,” The boy at my right says, turning his body towards me.

Ah, shit. That’s awkward.

“Oh, sorry,” I smile apologetically, “I hadn’t heard your name before.”

“That’s cause I’m new here,” He smiles, “it’s alright, don’t worry. Josh is a common name anyway, so plenty of people don’t remember how I look.”

“I’ll make sure I’m not one of them.”

“That’s very appreciated, Y/N. I can call you Y/N, right?” He asks.

“That’s my name after all,” I grin.

“Cool,” Josh nods, “so, about the project…”

“If you can do it this thursday, I’m free.”

“Me too. We can go at my place if you want, my mom won’t be home so we won’t bother anyone.”

“Uh,” I hesitate for a moment, “Not that I don’t love going over to strangers’ houses but…”

“Don’t worry, I won’t try anything funny,” Josh chuckles, probably knowing exactly what I’m thinking, “but if you feel uncomfortable we can just go to your place, or the library”

“No, it’s fine. We can go to your place,” the dude seems decent, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, “see you next thursday, at two outside school, then?”

“Sure,” He gives me a small smile before heading out of the classroom and we keep going with our lives.

——————————————

“We’re here!” Wesley pulls me back from my thoughts and I jump from my seat towards the entrance of the store.

“You got the stuff?”

“Oh, we got the stuff,” He shows me Angelica’s bag, packed with white bottles of pills. I squeal a little and give Wesley a tight hug, “look at that! Someone’s happy”

“I didn’t want to carry his ghost for the rest of my life, so yes. I’m relieved,” I grab the bottles but Angelica takes the bag from my hands, “hey!”

“I’m gonna make edible slime for him”

“Are you serious?”

“It won’t take long, besides he’s asleep now, right? And Crumble said she found a way to get rid of his gangrene, so he’ll be fine.”

And that’s when it hits me, Josh is going to be fine.

“Yeah… yes. Do the slime then, I’ll be with Josh.”

“You can rest if you want,” Wesley offers, “he’s out of danger.”

“I got used to being there, you know?” I shrug, “it won’t hurt to sleep one more night on the chair.”

It’s a lie, of course. It will hurt my neck and back, but I need to see the work completed, I need to see him with color on his face and laughing stupidly at his own jokes.

——————————————

“You have a bad memory?” I ask Josh while pointing at the three post-it notes on the kitchen.

“Nah, that’s just my mom making sure I do what she needs me to do while she’s out,” He brushes it off, “just ignore them.”

“Okay,” I walk over to the living room and sit next to him, opening my backpack, “where should we start?”

“I think the second subtheme was the most extense. I was reading it during lunch and I feel like it will take us years to finish it, so maybe that?”

“You were reading about chemistry during our lunchbreak?” I giggle.

“Well I didn’t want to look like an asshole today, like, what if you had done research on your own and then came to my house to hear me say ‘oh, I don’t know what our work is about, I spent all night playing Outlast’ that would’ve sucked”

“I guess,” I reply, “let’s use all that knowledge then, before it fades.”

“I have plenty of knowledge,” He nods, keeping the joke alive, “I even googled the words I couldn’t understand.”

I laugh again and he joins in happily. He’s nice, I wonder if we’ll still talk after this.

——————————————

Spoiler alert, we didn’t. We finished the work, we got a ‘B’, we high-fived and said “hey, nice work” and we moved on. Cause that’s what you do when you’re seventeen and you’re paired up with someone you barely know. I had other stuff in my mind to be thinking “You know what could be fun? If I befriended that Josh guy I met in chemistry class”, I kept my promise, though. I never forgot his face, and he remembered my name and waved at me whenever he saw me in the halls. That was sweet.

When I wake up the next morning Josh’s aspect has improved. He’s not pale and isn’t sweating as much. The bowl with larvae is gone and it’s been replaced with the one with slime.

I rummage through my stuff and find a small package of cookies. I also pull out my notepad and cross them from my list. I’ll make sure to replace them before I leave. Halfway through my breakfast, Josh moves slightly and raises his hand, which is still reddish but now is a normal reddish and doesn’t smell like Ghoulie.

“Goodmorning, champ,” I smirk.

Josh looks at me and drops his head back on the pillows.

“I’m alive.”

“You are,” I eat the last cookie and drop the package, “eat up. Angelica made it for you.”

He turns his head towards the table and sees the slime, sitting up with more strength and animosity than the day before, he takes the bowl on his hands and tastes it carefully.

“Good?” I ask, he nods in approval.

“Cool,” I get up to leave, but he speaks up.

“Wait,” I turn around to look at him, “how long have you been there?”

“Oh,” I blush, not really wanting to answer the question, but I figure that if I don’t do it, someone else will, “the whole time, probably?”

“You stayed the whole night again?”

“I know you don’t like that-”

“No, thanks,” He replies with a soft, tired voice, “I was a dick the other day, thank you for looking after me.”

“I was making sure you were alright, that’s all”

“I know. I’m really sorry for treating you like that, you didn’t deserve it.”

“I’m glad we’re on the same page now,” I reply, “cause that means I can go without feeling guilty.”

“Oh. Right.” I think he looks disappointed for a second, but it goes away as soon as it comes, “You’re leaving…”

“I have to go restock so…” I don’t wait for a reply and I flee before he speaks to me again.

Why? Oh, cause I hate confrontation and if I hear him I’ll probably want to stay. Turns out I kinda got attached to stupid Josh for spending a whole day watching over him and now is like that puppy you rescue from the rain, that you know you can’t keep but it has the cutest eyes you’ve seen and it’s just so cute? Yeah, I know you know what I’m talking about.

I’m on my way to retrieve the stuff I left on the store when I run into Josh. He’s out of the bed and is looking quite lively.

“Hey!” He grins, “I wanted to thank you.”

“Dude, you already did that,” I roll my eyes smiling, “you need to stop before my ego flies through the roof. I’m telling you, you don’t wanna see-”

“You saved my life, Y/N. Along with the others, sure,” He adds, “but you went out of your way to stay and made sure the others got the medicines. You could’ve left me to die and you decided to stay and help.”

“Well, I needed my redemption. I didn’t do it just to be nice.”

“You kind of did,” He points out, “just like how you called me by my name whenever you got the chance at school, and how you offered me help to find Sam even though this was supposedly Triumph’s territory. You’re cool.”

“Thank you. You’re nice.”

“Don’t call me nice,” He shakes his head, “you say someone’s nice when you don’t have anything else to say”

“No. It depends on how the person says it. I say nice when there’s plenty to say,” I correct him, “but I can list all of it if you want,” I think about it for a moment before I start to enlist, “you’re sweet and caring, and resourceful. And you’re brave, cause instead of joining any tribe, you have been looking for a girl all on your own-”

“Okay, okay!” He stops me mid-sentence, “you win. Nice is good. I get it. Stop.”

Josh smiles openly at me and I catch myself thinking about how pretty his smile is.

NO. We are not going over the road again, Y/N. Don’t even think about it.

“Anyway, I wanted to thank you, so I got this for you” He pulls out a pair of bright, lime-green skates from his backpack, “I decided it was my turn to do something for you so I got you new skates.”

“Holy shit,” I whisper, trying to look cool about it, “any reason why you chose this color?”

“I don’t know, they felt like you,” Josh says simply, “if that makes any sense.”

“Thanks,” I mumble, and I know, I know I’m blushing.

Now more than ever I need to leave before this feeling grows into something more dangerous.

“You’re not even staying the night?”

“I told Angelica I would stay until you were better. How do you feel?”

“I feel…” He doubts for a moment, then continues, “I feel better.”

“Then my work here is done,” I smile, “take care, Wheeler.”

“I know it’s sappy to say it, but I will kinda miss you.”

“Shut up,” I roll my eyes, avoiding eye contact.

“Seriously, who will take care of our injuries when you’re gone? You should leave a notebook with instructions about what to do in case of stabbing, ghoulie bites, sunburns and stuff like that. You must have googled those too on your boring days, right?”

I laugh, nodding.

“I did,” I didn’t, but you know, fanfiction writers are dedicated as fuck to their research, “but maybe some other time? if we see each other again, I’ll make sure to have the notebook ready.”

“Deal,” Josh is beaming, not for me though, he just seems happy to be alive.

My heart can’t take that sight so early in the morning, so I look away.

“Uh, Angelica told me they wanted to talk to you…” I mention.

“Oh,” The boy frowns, “okay.”

I follow him those few steps so I can say goodbye to Wesley and Angelica too, and luckily enough, both of them are sitting next to each other.

“Hey,” Josh raises his voice, “what flavor is this anyway? Antibiotic apple or, uh…” He chuckles, “triage truffle?”

Ah, there they are, the silly jokes. Fuck, I’ll miss that stupid sense of humor.

“They call it Josh-Cut-Off-His-Finger-Because-He-Sucks-Dick Berry,” Angelica answers softly.

“Rude,” I reply, then I realize she’s crying and my heart drops, “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“What’s going on?” Josh asks beside me, “Are you crying?”

“Come with us,” Is all she says before standing up and taking us outside the mall where they lead us towards a car.

Wesley opens the trunk and we stare at a corpse covered with a white sheet with bloodstains.

“We found her body on the way back.”

I look over to Angelica to find some kind of sign that this is all a bad joke, surely that can’t be…

“Show me,” Demands Josh, I hold my breath waiting for the worst.

Wesley pulls the sheet away and there’s no longer a face where it should be a face. It’s destroyed. The only thing that I recognized, is that yellow pin she used to wear all the time on her clothes.

“No…” I whisper.

“Sam,” Josh leans shakily against the trunk and carefully caresses the hair on her head, “oh, Sam…”

It’s more than I can take. I walk away from the car and turn my back to them, hands against my eyes so I don’t start crying for the second time that week.

This is not fair. It was supposed to be a happy ending. Josh, finding the girl and me finally free from any guilt. It wasn’t supposed to end with Sam Dean’s body at the back of a car.

I wanna say that I’ll leave anyway. That I’m still packing my bags and walking out. But no. I’m staying cause I can’t leave Josh when they just took away from him the only thing that mattered the most. I know how that feels, and it sucks to have to live it alone. It hurt when Alex walked away after I had killed Katie. I’m not gonna do that to Josh, or anyone. I’m not scared.

I’m staying.

Taglist.

@letsbloodmagic @hollywaterpls

#twoidiots writing #daybreak fanfic #josh wheeler #josh wheeler xreader #wesley fists #angelica green #ms crumble #daybreak #netflix #eli cardashyan

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twoflipstwotwists · 5 years

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At only 19 years old, author, Dancing with the Stars winner, and Olympic gymnast Laurie Hernandez has accomplished an unbelievable amount in high-stress environments. All with a smile on her face. But it hasn’t always been easy.

Laurie entered the world stage during the 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro with the famed U.S. ‘Final Five’ gymnastics team. She left Rio with gold and silver medals, and earned a reputation of having one of the most positive attitudes and expressive faces in gymnastics.

She’s become a symbol of optimism, determination, and kindness, and continues to inspire people across the world. And as our very first IDONTMIND Ambassador, Laurie is leading by example and opening up about her own mental health with the hope of inspiring other people to do the same.

We chatted with Laurie about overcoming her anxiety during competitions, working through depression post-Olympics, and figuring out how to take care of her mental health while in the spotlight.

IDONTMIND: So how’s your mental health today? Laurie: I mean, it's okay! I'm a little bit anxious after taking time off from training after the Olympics. I’m diving right back into a really high level of gymnastics. I’m just trying to get everything back, but it's also mixed with excitement. It's going to be a whirlwind of a year.

IDM: Would you mind sharing your mental health journey with us? Laurie: I grew up in a house where feelings were always something that we talked about. My mom is a social worker and my sister just became a therapist. Since I was little, I had natural nerves before competing. My mom was always a really big help before competing – I’d tell her ‘My legs felt like jello, my hands are shaking, I want to sit in the corner and cry.’ She would give me different ways to help with that, and the older I got, the more I found it really helpful. Even just throughout the Olympics, I would call her crying, and she was like, ‘Okay, this is normal. We've done this before. Take a deep breath.’

Throughout gymnastics, I saw sports psychologists here and there, and that was also really helpful. It was nice to just have someone to talk to about things like, ‘Hey, this is how I feel before I'm competing. Is this normal? How do I deal with it?’ And talking to someone about it was kind of the first step into understanding how my brain works when I'm nervous.

I took two years off from gymnastics after the Olympics, and that was a really big change. I went from training seven, eight hours a day and eating super healthy to not training at all and eating whatever I wanted. I watched my body change. That was really scary for me because there's this high pyramid of the ideal body types for gymnastics and what you're supposed to look like. It was already being judged when I was in competition shape, and now that I wasn't competing or doing the sport, I was watching myself change. And that kind of kick-started it.

I was already dealing with some depression during gymnastics on and off. But during those two years it just snowballed. It was just a hectic two years of constantly traveling, even though I wasn't really training. And then coming back to gymnastics, as interesting as it was, is kind of how I started healing.

I ended up talking to a regular therapist, not sports-related. And that changed everything. My mom had always told me, ‘Hey, you're Laurie who just so happens to be a gymnast, you're not Laurie the gymnast.’ So having someone to talk to – not about gymnastics, but about me personally – was really helpful.

Now, here I am today. I'm doing gymnastics and I’m dealing with it.

IDM: What are you most focused on right now? Laurie: Currently, training is really the number one priority. I'm training full-time, six days a week and about five hours a day. The next big step will be in November at a training camp. That's kind of my first appearance back for gymnastics. So that’s going to be a big stepping stone that will lead into another camp in January. That will snowball into, hopefully, international competitions early next year.

IDM: What are your go-to self-care rituals? Laurie: It definitely took a second to find what works me. If I'm really anxious, I have too much energy, so I feel the need to maybe go for a run or at least drive somewhere. Just get out and go. I just got my driver's license, so lately it's been me just driving anywhere and then figuring out my way home.

And then dealing with depression, there comes a point where you don't want to do anything, so it's about finding a way to relax. It's really just being in tune with how I'm feeling and what I might need at the moment. Is it that I have to get moving or do I have to take it easy and take my time moving through things?

IDM: Your nickname is ‘The Human Emoji’ because of the expressive faces you always have during your routines. What emoji describes how you're feeling on a good mental health day? Laurie: On a good mental health day it would be the new emoji where it's smiling with its mouth closed and it's got hearts all over. On the good days, I just want to be there for other people. I want to help. I want to do things. I want to go outside. I want to have a really good workout.

IDM: What emoji describes you on a not so good mental health day? Laurie: The not so good mental health days, it would probably be the emoji with the zipper as the mouth because, when I do feel that way, it's not my first instinct to talk about it. Speaking up doesn't come naturally. It still feels a bit unnatural!

IDM: Everyone talks about your infectious smile. Does being a face of positivity and happiness across the world make it easier or harder to discuss your mental health? Laurie: Oh man. It's kind of 50/50. When I’m in front of the screen, and even just competing for gymnastics or doing events that millions of people can see, there's a natural joy that comes from it. When I'm smiling and I'm radiating that joy, it’s because I truly feel it.

Unfortunately, on the days where I am having a rough go at it, that's what people still expect from me. Sometimes I can't give 100%, and I’ll see a question mark above some people's heads. ‘What's going on? Why isn't she all the way up?’ It's a tough persona to uphold. I think communicating about it with my family, my friends, and everybody who I work with has been really helpful. But I love that my claim to fame is being positive, and at the end of the day, that’s what I want to put out there.

IDM: Are there people that you always turn to whenever you feel like you're struggling? Laurie: I think my go-to person is probably my sister. I feel very comfortable letting her know how I feel. And she always has pretty much the perfect response for it. I don't know if it's because she studied for that or because she's my sister and she knows me like nobody else does. But she always knows the right thing to say. She was the one always encouraging me to go and talk to someone about it, even if it wasn't her, and encouraging me to try something new so that way I could feel better.

I think that it's so important to have a go-to person. They don't see you as your lows. They see you as a person, but they're there for your lows if you have them.

IDM: Tell us about your limited-edition IDONTMIND tee. What inspired the design? Laurie: There was a point where I just couldn’t pick myself up. Looking back now, it was actually a big mental health moment for me. I finally opened up to my mom about it, and she just hugged me for a long time and then she said, ‘You have to go through it, to grow through it.’ That has stuck with me, even years later.

When I was designing my shirt, I knew immediately that I wanted flowers to be a part of it. Flowers are something that always make me feel connected to my parents and connected to making sure that I'm taking care of myself. Even if I'm having a rough mental health day, I’ve still got to water my plants, because they need it.

It came from the idea that your mind and your body need you to take care of them. They are things you need to go out of your way to take care of. It’s just saying ‘Take care of your mind as you would take care of anything else.’

IDM: What does being an IDONTMIND Ambassador mean to you? Laurie: I mentioned to my mom that I had this interview with IDONTMIND and I was nervous about it. I know my gymnastics story inside out, I talk about it all the time. It's something that's always asked about. But mental health is not one of those things. And I was worried that I was oversharing. Is it factual? Am I venting? What’s the difference? And my mom was just kind of guiding me through that. She was like, ‘You know, I think this is a wonderful opportunity to share your story. You've done all these awesome things, but you still have things that you struggle with. It shows other people that they can still do it too, even though they're feeling this way.’

That snowballed into a two-hour conversation. My mom opened up, and there were a lot of things where she said, ‘You know, I haven't shared this with anybody.’ That all started with us talking about IDONTMIND. It made our bond even stronger. And it was because we opened the door to talk about mental health, and that wasn't something that was quite open for her before.

So thank you. Because that means the world to me above anything else.

—

Laurie’s limited edition IDONTMIND tee is available for preorder through Friday, December 6. 100% of the proceeds support IDONTMIND, an official program of Mental Health America.

#laurie hernandez

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lifeofbouyd · 6 years

Text

Failed Sex

Ever felt like you knew it all, like you could never do wrong? Well that was me. I thought so highly of myself at times I felt as if I was invincible. Like super man until he meets kryptonite. I’m about to tell you a story about a king (me) who never failed until he met kryptonite.

I met this chick Lesa in a taxi on my way to school one morning. She was acting all dainty, like her p**** was made from a different kinda fabric. Se hardly wanted to go over in damn cab for me to get a seat. I had to shout a few times before she moved. Talking bout she didn’t want to crush her uniform. I could give one fucks about her uniform but she was damn pretty. I had to look at her twice when I sat down. An unusual smirk stretched across her face as if she was surprised I looked at her twice. I thought of the perfect approach to use to get her name and digits but it took me a long time before I said a word.

Me: You can lean on me if you want, I don’t mind you crushing my shirt.

Everybody laughed and that was it. A silly joke earned me a new girl. She rested her head on my shoulder while telling me her deeds. It would seem as if I had known her a long time. We started sexting the same day. I had skipped the traditional get to know me bulshit as she was interested in a fuck boy and not a lover. She was approximately 5ft 5 inches in height with cup size boobs, thick thighs and a decent size ass. Her hair rested on her shoulders and her face was that of an angel. I couldn’t believe she only wanted to fuck, that just seemed kinda low or maybe it’s because she was the one who suggested it. However it was it didn’t really make a difference to me. I just wanted to ignite her fantasies and drive her crazy. I invited her to my school ap one Friday to show her off to my friends, I wanted them to be jealous of my new found trophy. By the time we entered the party all eyes were on us or her; I really couldn’t tell the difference. She was like a black sheep among white, she was obvious. I had planned to play Mr. Sweet guy but when the “brûk out music” started to play I realized I had brought my own stripper to the party. She knew just how to move to the beat and make that ass shake. I was like glue under her skin. When she realized whining on me was getting me hard she turned around and gave me a lap dance. Squeezing my face together while slowly moving her waist as if I was deep inside her. “I can’t wait to ride you like this”, she whispered in my ear. I got so hard It felt like I was gonna nut in my pants. I made her drown my fingers with cum at the thought of her sitting on it and if her mom didn’t call that eve I would had knocked her out the park.

We started going out often and every chance I got I made her cum at least twice on my fingers. As for my urges I had a lot of clients to release my stress on. I was king of heart with my dick game to these girls. Their friend with benefits, their one time no strings or a regular hook up if I decided to do seconds. I almost got lucky one evening but was interrupted by passers by. I had been sucking on her nipples and fingering her for about 3 minutes before trying to force my way inside her. We were in an alley, almost a busy public space but we could see all that was happening and everyone that was coming before they got anywhere close. I leaned against the wall in the corner and zipped my pants open; I lift her uniform, shift her panty and slipped the head in. I was only inside her for about 2 minutes before the alley got busy. People kept coming and going and it was kinda obvious that we were up to something. She begged me to stop as she didn’t wanna get caught having sex on the corridor. I really didn’t want to but I did. I went home that evening with a rock hard dick that I had to half kill another chick with. We went out several times after that but the opportunity just never presented itself. It took me about 4 months to get a chance to give her what she signed up for and during this time I did nothing but plan. I had the perfect sex reserved for her, I had given it several test runs and it was a master piece.

I invited her over one Saturday and to my surprise she was able to come see me. Her mom had sent her to do some shopping. I had my friend pick her up and got my room sparkling by the time she got here. Back then I was the world renowned “chicken back chef”. I whipped up my specialty and got her something cool to drink; she kept staring at me as if she saw a ghost. She was used to me being a pig so treating her like a girlfriend wasn’t what she had in mind. She took her blouse off claiming she was hot but I knew she just wanted to show her boobs. Her breast were begging for me to stuff them in my mouth and I did just that. She gasped for breath as if she didn’t expect me to catch the bait that quickly; holding my head while she moaned. I grabbed her other nipple with my hand and twisted it slowly and while squeezing in sequence. She begged me to stop; saying the feeling was unbearable. At the same time she was still holding my head on her nipple so I knew that was just for show. I eased up as if I was gonna let her be then started kissing on her sides. She wiggled like an earthworm all the way to the bed head trying to escape the feeling but I was where ever she went. I pulled her pants off and pulled her back to the middle of the bed. She had already cum by the time I could take her soaked undies off. I held her hands above her head and planted wet kisses across her waist causing her to shake like a leaf in the wind. She begged me to water her garden with my hose but I was enjoying myself too much. She held my dick in my shorts and squeezed it as if she wanted to rip it out and use herself. All this time I was hard as a rock but the moment I started taking my shirt off and she dragged my shorts off my dick went straight to zero. I continued messing with her thinking my bad boy would rejoin the party but it just sat there.

Dead, like a ghost town. Everything was on point that day, the foreplay went as planned but my dick failed me when I needed it most. The same dick that destroyed several relationships and drove countless chicks crazy just sat there swinging. She tried everything except blowing it and that didn’t help. She was disappointed. She cried her eyes out; regretting coming to see me. She dragged her clothes on and slammed the door behind her. For days she didn’t pick up nor text back. Funny thing is that sane day I had to make a few calls when she left. The dead mysteriously resurrected but by then it was already too late, Lesa had already gone. I took out my vengeance on one of my late night booty calls; I fucked her until she cried “cree”. She came so much she could hardly stand straight. But that didn’t count for shit to me. I had failed at the one thing I was good at and I Lesa wasn’t giving me the time of day. Eventually she messaged me one day, claiming she missed me and she wanted to give me another shot before calling it “squits”. We met up at a football match a few days later and that’s when it went down. I had her sit on a desk in a class room; high enough for me to wrap her legs around my waist. I planted wet kisses on her lips, neck breast causing her to get soaking wet. She took my snake out and kept stroking it until it was rock hard. I shift her undies and slid the head in slowly while kissing her. After a few minutes of stroking her we switched positions. I sat on top of the desk and she sat on top with her legs around my waist. She was a jockey until she came twice. I stood up and started striking her hard causing her to scratch and moan and cum like a leaking pipe. I bent her over on the desk and had her whine on my dick while I shove it all the way up her tummy. In perfect synchronization we both came; a toe cricking, mind blowing, breath taking orgasm. I had made it up to her, not like I wanted to but it worked. I knocked her out several times after that but still didn’t make me feel any better because I’m always gonna have that failed sex to live with.

It was then I realized anxiety can kill a man; I was so anxious to fuck her that day that I couldn’t. What if she had decided to just move along with her life and forget about me. That would tarnish my sex credit score and I really couldn’t blame her. She came to get dicked down and I failed her. Got her all pumped up and didn’t do a thing. Since then I try to keep my mind open at all times and not expect too much or draft sex plans in my mind. At least I try not to 😂. Even though I hit her several times since that I know she’ll always have that on the back of her mind. My advise to women out there is; don’t always expect us to be 100%, shit happens. It ain’t easy to use a dick; take it from me, I’ve had mine all life 😂

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anxietyeveryday · 6 years

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Hi, o think I have a minor case of anxiety... of course, I've heard the symptoms, but I want to know what they are coming from people who actually have anxiety, so.. What are the symptoms of anxiety?

That’s a really good question, actually. I guess it varies from person to person, and there are different types of anxiety as well, so different types will give you different feelings.

In my own experience, with my social anxiety, I’ll come up with something I want to say or do with another person/group of people, and I just wind up really nervous, to the point where I feel like I can’t say or do what I’d like to. Sometimes it feels like there’s a sort of block deep in my throat that keeps me from speaking. Sometimes I can feel my heart begin beating more rapidly, and on rare occasions I can get a little short of breath.

Overall, I’ll sometimes get anxious about random stuff going on in my life like work, school, or family-related stress. Getting super stressed out like this usually makes me really overwhelmed, and if I keep getting pushed by outside forces I can be sent into a panic attack. Panic attacks can be caused by just about anything, whether it’s a result of stress from how you’re doing in school, or just you had an uncomfortable social interaction. When I have a panic attack, I usually feel very nervous, and it usually gets to a point where I feel like I need to cry. Sometimes I’ll be a little shaky, and sometimes I’ll look completely fine, but just feel like crap on the inside.

Panic attacks don’t always have a cause though, they can just come out of nowhere without any prompting. Sometimes I’ll just be sitting at home, or in the middle of a shift at work, and suddenly my heart is pounding, I’m shaking, and I want to cry. I usually calm down when I’m like this by listening to some relaxing music, and going off in a room where I can be alone. I also find it helpful to grab a snack/meal to calm myself.

So yeah, that’s what I know from my experience, but like I said, anxiety is different for everyone. I know my little cousin has a lot of trouble breathing when she’s having a panic attack, but I usually don’t struggle with my breathing at all. Some people don’t feel like they’re going to cry, they’ll just get very nervous, and some people might not even feel their heart pounding, just nervous and emotional.

Here’s a link to an article from that website I’ve been using lately that goes more in detail about different types of anxiety, along with their different symptoms too. Just remember, if you think you need a diagnosis, please see a professional, they’ll be able to give you a lot more information than I ever could :)

~mod liv

EDIT: I did just see your addition asking for specifically social anxiety symptoms in my ask box, but I’ll leave this as is, since that’s mainly what I was describing lol

#ask #anxiety #social anxiety #panic disorder #mental illness #liv post #Anonymous

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living-with-arthritis · 3 years

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Panic/Anxiety attacks * Been going through a lot of personal stuff lately and I’d rather not explain it. What I will explain though is the panic and anxiety attacks and the fatigue and stress that comes with it. It also makes my rheumatoid arthritis flare. * Over the last week I’ve been super stressed and had some of the worst panic/ anxiety attacks of my life. * I noticed that I could feel my body prepare for these attacks. I’d be super tense, anxious, shaky and can’t sit still for long. All of this brings fatigue because I think my body is just working so hard. * During the attack I shake, cry, feel winded, constricted and I’m just so confused and don’t even understand why it’s happening. After these attacks all I want is to be in bed. To rest and just be alone. * This is what a panic/anxiety attack is like for me. Panic/anxiety attacks are different for everyone, I know because my husbands are so different yet I know when he’s about to go into an attack too. * It’s a very difficult thing to handle and it’s a full assault on the mind and body. To anyone suffering right, I’m sorry and I know you will get through whatever you are going through. A friend of mine told to think of 3 things you can touch and 3 things you can see and to also take deep breath’s. I hope this helps anyone that needs it. 💜💙 #panicattack #anxietyattack #panicattackawareness #anxietyawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #rheumatoidarthritis #rheumatoidarthritiswarrior #rheumatoidarthritisawareness #rheumatoidarthritissucks #arthritis #arthritiswarrior #arthritisawareness #arthritissucks #chronicpain #chronicpainawareness #chronicpainwarrior #chronicpainsucks #invisibleillness #invisibleillnessawareness #invisibleillnesswarrior #invisibledisease #invisiblediseaseawareness #invisiblediseasewarrior 💜💙 https://www.instagram.com/p/CLFwk1BjnIx/?igshid=1uo2900gni0a2

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avasharpescanary · 6 years

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So we spent this weekend in London at Heroes and Villains, and I swear to god it was one of the best cons I've attended. The main highlight for me were the guests: Caity Lotz, Katie Cassidy and Juliana Harkavy made our weekend! 💖 Caity Lotz is so beautiful, she has the bluest eyes I've literally ever seen. I mean... I was weak at the knees in her presence. Sara Lance means a huge amount to me, so getting to meet her (even though the photo ops were so brief) was amazing 💖 She complimented my Lance family shirt in our Lance sisters op which made me melt a little... 😍 But then in my solo I accidentally smacked her in the stomach because my damn arms wouldn't cooperate... My shoulder decided to freeze so I had to kind of swing it out... I don't think it was hard and I did apologise, but I still feel awful about it 😩  So grateful that I got to see her, even if I didn't get to wear my Avalance "I don't want you to be normal" shirt (damn, that quote... I'm with Sara on giving up on never having a "normal life" so it means a lot! ❤️). Just so grateful for her general beauty and existence 💖  Katie Cassidy is actually an angel and I love her. Again she's SO beautiful and so so sweet... Ugh. I've loved her since Supernatural, her characters have literally bookmarked my university career, and it means the world to get to see her again 💖 On Saturday we got to give her the gifts that we'd got (a little game controller squishy thing, a book of cute cat pictures and a love spoon) and I swear I was so anxious about it I was shaking before we even approached her booth. I was so nervous about the love spoon, because really it's a super intimate thing (they're an old Welsh tradition, given as engagement or wedding presents) and I was so worried that she would think it was weird... But then when we gave them to her she seemed to really like them (which was a relief!) and I got to explain the tradition a little bit and everything. She was so sweet to us, and genuinely is one of the nicest people I've ever met. I may or may not have shook and for like an hour after and cried a little through sheer relief that she liked the presents and also love for her.... 😭💖  Then on Sunday we went back for another selfie and for me to get my auto, and I managed royally screw the whole thing up. I could feel myself talking kinda like a robot when I was trying to tell her how much Laurel means to me. When I get really anxious/stressed I get these moments where my mind is just blank and I basically forget the English language (thank you medications and chronic pain for that!) and that was what happened... I managed to ask her to write the quote I wanted to get "This is me being strong" but completely neglected to tell her why because I was so busy trying to remember how to talk.... Basically, it's a Laurel line from a scene in season 2, after Sara (as the Canary) stops her from relapsing into alcoholism in a particularly stressful situation involving hostages and shit. Laurel is talking about how she just wanted her sister to see that she could be strong (not knowing she's talking to Sara). The whole scene Laurel is just so brave and so strong, and it's one of the scenes that has made the biggest impact on me.  I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for her to film the entirety of season 2, because Laurel went to such a dark and brutal place. I can't imagine the toll it must have taken, but I can say that I love and appreciate Katie Cassidy for showing me that even when you're at rock bottom you can be strong. I don't have an addiction problem, but I do have chronic pain which is becoming more and more debilitating as the years go on and an addictive personality. It would be so easy for me to fall into the path that Laurel did, but I hold on because I need to prove to myself and to everyone around me that I am strong despite my pain.  The thing that I didn't manage to get out was that I am going to get that phrase (in her writing, since I now have it) tattooed on my right arm. When I was 15 I tore the tissue between my thumb and forefinger on my right hand, and from there my life changed forever when I developed Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. The pain that was contained to my right hand has now spread right up my arm, around my neck and down my left arm, and I'm currently also being tested for rheumatoid arthritis- yay for yet more pain! But with all of this, I have held on. As Laurel, even before she became the Black Canary, Katie has been my superhero. I fight on every single day and enjoy every single second because that is what Laurel Lance would do. I wanted to change the world, and I still do. My pain has basically taken my dream of doing that in the way I wanted away from me, but I will find another way and I will come back stronger.  There is so much I could say about what Laurel Lance has taught me. I've been confronted by my own cruelty as a sibling through watching Sara and Laurel's early interactions; the scene where Laurel throws the glass after Sara as she leaves the apartment honestly gave me chills. The relationship between my brother and I has been strained for many years, mostly because of a difficult school life and the fact that due to his Autism he would frequently meltdown, and I was the main target for that. Even now I still am to an extent. I'm not as brave or strong as Laurel, I can't go to him and ask him not to hate me, at least not yet, but I have had a mirror held up to me and I'm trying to be better. When I found out that Laurel died (I started watching very late) I was crushed. She was someone who had fought so hard to get back to the top, and then was snuffed out in the most pointless of ways just as she reached her peak. I was devastated and my depression worsened quite considerably for a while because if Laurel Lance, a genuine superhero, could not have her chance to shine what hope do I have? It made me feel hopeless, because all of that fighting and all of that struggle that inspired me so much was for nothing. It was a waste. I refused to watch Arrow for months after because I could not bear to see an episode without Katie in it. It wasn't until she was announced as a regular for season 6 that I started watching again... Laurel Lance means the world to me. Without Katie Cassidy I wouldn't have been able to complete my degree, because I would watch videos of inspiring Laurel scenes on a loop while I was completing my dissertation; it was all I had to keep me fighting on. 99% of my 2:1 belongs to her.  But yeah... That was a super long ramble and it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of how I feel about Laurel and about Katie...  The surprise of the con for us was Juliana Harkavy, what an actual angel that woman is 😭💖 Lexie and I were both in love as soon as we met her on Saturday; I mean I was pretty sure I would be anyway going off social media but you never know. I feel really bad that Dinah has annoyed me so much this season now... Although that's not because of her! We both said when we were talking about it that we've never felt so comfortable talking to anyone at cons- she's got a way to put you at ease instantly and it's amazing and I know we both really appreciated it 💖 It was almost like talking to a friend? 💖  We pretty much immediately decided we were going back to see her again on Sunday but when we did we saw she wasn't feeling well, which had us both immediately anxious for her and not expecting to see her on the con floor again... Well we were wrong? Honestly I'm so glad that she felt well enough to come back out, but it must have been hell dealing with a migraine there given that it's such a sensory overload! We've both got different kinds of health anxiety, so were worried- personally I get really upset and anxious when other people are in pain, so I was super worried. I can deal with all of my own pain, I've had it so long now I don't remember differently, and I would much rather take on other people's pain than know they're suffering.  Despite everything, again she was one of the most lovely people to meet and Lexie and I are truly enchanted/in love 💖 Have so much respect and admiration for her after what she did; literally no one would have blamed her if she stopped signing, but no.. Fucking warrior queen right there 💖 Just hoping that she's feeling better now/isn't in as much pain... Migraines are no joke.  In conclusion... We miss them all so much already my heart hurts 💔 But so so grateful to have gotten to meet them and be around such beautiful and inspiring people 💖

#hvff london #katie cassidy #caity lotz #Juliana Harkavy #rambling #I miss them so much #chronic pain #inspiration

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terriblesportsimagines · 6 years

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hi hi!! sorry to bother you, but could you please write Jun, Chris, n Tanba helping/comforting their stressed, anxious girlfriend?? i've been super down lately ah ;; thank you so much! ♥

Feel better lovely! I hope this helps some

Isashiki Jun

He’d been watching you carefully over the past fewdays. Normally, you were cheerful, if a little sarcastic, and warm andyou never failed to smile at him, even when he glared unintentionally. But everything was all wrong now. You’re brow was perpetually knitted,your shoulder’s rounded, your eyes glazed. He could practically see theclouds surrounding you. Worse yet, you seemed to take all of his angryexuberance personally, where you never had before. It made him cautiousand worried, and he hated worrying.

Thus, he didn’t really feel bad about all but abducting youthe second your last final was over. It didn’t matter than he hadbaseball practice to think of, you were more important, and it wasn’t like he’dever missed practice before. He’d be forgiven.

“Jun, I really don’t-”

“Don’t finish that sentence,” Jun barked, bundling you underhis arm and dragging you away in the direction of his apartment. “You’recoming with me, and I’m not listening to any goddamn complaints.”

Intimidated, you shrank under his arm and didn’treply. This only upset him more, because there was a time when you wouldhave argued with him the whole way if you didn’t want to do something. Hemissed those days – missed you, really, and there was a part of him thatworried that this was a prelude to the end of your relationship.

When the pair of you arrived, he immediately startedfussing. It was a small apartment, no more than one room with a kitchenand bathroom, which meant there wasn’t much room to move around. Still,he got you settled on his bed, made you a cup of tea, then settled onto the bedbehind you and wrapped himself around you.

You might have tried to struggle, except he was really warm,and it was virtually impossible to say no to his aggressive cuddling. Itwas how he won almost every argument – after the shouting anyway. Hisarms were strong and his embrace firm and you were weak to him. Plus, yourecognized how horrible you’d been. The stress was getting to you, andanxiety made you snap at everyone. You should probably be thankful hehadn’t had enough of you and threw you out the door.

“You gonna tell me what the hell is going on with youlately?” Jun grumbled in your ear, holding you tight and nuzzling yourhair.

You sighed, bending over to set the cup of tea he’d givenyou on the table beside his bed so you could twist a little and burrow into hisembrace. “School. Work. Parents… I’m sorry I’ve been taking it outon you.”

He huffed. “Never mind that,” he snapped, pressinggentle kisses to your hair and ear. “I can’t help if I don’t know. Tell me next time.”

Suddenly all your reasons for trying to keep your emotionsto yourself seemed silly. He was always there, sweet and supporting inhis gruff, stormy way, and damn it if you didn’t love him so much. “I love you, Jun.”

Jun tensed for a moment before relaxing and curling even tighteraround you. “Idiot. That’s my line.”

Takigawa Chris Yuu

A quiet sigh alerted you to the fact that you were no longeralone. You barely twitched, however, and kept your eyes glued to thestudy guide in front of you. There wasn’t time to even look up, all toosoon it would be curfew and you’d have to go back to your room, and lord knewyou weren’t going to get much done there, since the giggling neverstopped. It was like your roommates didn’t care about exams.

Of course, their highest goals were marrying well and goingto junior college, so they probably didn’t care.

You, however, had more lofty aspirations. You wantedto get into one of the Big Six schools, private, all of them, and severelycompetitive. And unlike your way too smart and talented boyfriend, youweren’t gifted and had to work your ass off for every bit of ground. Notthat your boyfriend didn’t work, because of course he did, but he was amazingand you-

“____-chan, have you even eaten yet?”

Speaking of said boyfriend, he was hovering now, an adorablefrown furrowing his heavy brow. His hands curled with the obvious need totouch you, though he respected your space too much to actually touch. Yousighed, sitting back, your shoulders, neck and head throbbing from remainingstationary for hours. That wasn’t even considering your eyes, which weredry enough to burn mercilessly, and your stomach which flopped and twisted andmade you feel sick, a feeling that had nothing to do with lack of food.

You reached almost unconsciously, curling your fingers intohis hand and prying it loose enough to thread your fingers together. Hesoftened immediately, taking the touch as permission to erase the distancebetween the two of you. His free hand came up and ghosted over your hair,urging you to lean into him the second you showed any inclination to doso. This allowed you to press your forehead into his stomach andgroan. “No.”

Chris chuckled softly, fingers running through yourhair. “I understand that exams are important, but taking care of yourselfis important too.”

“Urg, I can’t take this,” you muttered, voice muffled by hisuniform, though “I feel like I’m going insane.”

He made a low noise of understanding and empathy, then movedback a little so he could lower himself into a crouch beside your chair. When he arms spread, you came without any hesitation, burying your face intohis neck and cinching your arms around his shoulders. His scent wascalming, and made you buzz pleasantly, chasing away your frazzled nerves.

“___-chan,” Chris spoke, voice quiet and gentle. “Wecan study together tomorrow and I will help you withanything you are stuck on. For now, please eat something and rest.”

“Stay with me for a while?” You begged, relinquishing yourdeath grip and lifting your head.

Smiling at you, Chris swept the bangs out of your eyes andleaned forward slightly to press his soft lips to your forehead. “If youlike. I saved you some dinner. Shall we?”

Closing your eyes and smiling, you took a deep breath in andreplied, “Let’s.”

Tanba Kouichirou

If there was anything Tanba knew about, it wasanxiety. He recognized the signs all too clearly in you, having seen themin himself innumerable amount of times. It made his heart hurt, to seeyou so strung out and in pain. It was the very last thing he wanted foryou.

So, he did his best to make sure you felt supported, to letyou know that he loved you no matter what and that he would help you inwhatever way he could. After all, he suffered anxiety and stress too, heknew what it felt like and that it wasn’t pleasant. The source wasdifferent, but the foundation the same.

He did everything he could for you – brought you food, didsome of your chores, even though you didn’t live together and you protestedevery time he did. He taught you tricks and exercises he’d picked up overthe years to work through the overwhelming emotions. He listened,without judgement or trying to solve your problems.

It was something you appreciated beyond measure. Therewere times when you just needed someone to hold you and hear. Hewas a quiet man, but was kind and generous beyond measure, so much so thatsometimes you felt tears touch the corner of your eyes. You tried to hidethem, but he always noticed and took the time to kiss them away with a slightblush in his cheeks.

“Kou-chan,” you sighed one day, a heavy weight on yourshoulders that you couldn’t seem to shake.

Tanba looked up from his book. You’d been busy doingyour own thing, working away on your laptop. Now, however, you werestaring at it blankly, a pinched expression on your face. He was upimmediately, setting his book aside without a second thought. “____-chan,” he replied, moving across the room to drop into the space besideyou. It was hard to do, because he was tall and gangly and folding hislimbs in a way that let him be close to you was a challenge. “What’s thematter?”

You grunted softly and dropped your head onto his shoulder,which caused a bit of a blush to touch his cheeks, just like it alwaysdid. He found your hand and laced his fingers through yours tosqueeze. “Everything’s starting to blur together,” you complained,rubbing your cheek against his well-muscled shoulder.

“Time for a break then?” He laughed softly, kissing the topof your head. These little bits of affection had been difficult at first,but they were easier now and you thrived under them. “Why don’t we go fora walk, the weather’s good and you could use the air.”

“Probably,” you conceded, lifting your head and turningslightly to present your face. “Kiss?”

Tanba’s eyelids dropped and he leaned, breath catching as hepressed his lips to yours. “Love you,” he whispered, still a little shywith the words.

Your smile was beautiful, like the sun coming out frombehind clouds. “I love you so much, Kouichirou.”

#daiya no ace #Ace of Diamond #isashiki jun #Takigawa Chris Yuu #Tanba Koichirou #scenarios

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dryadgoddess · 7 years

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Idk if I mentioned on tumblr yet but I got into my first (and hopefully last) car accident last sunday and I can’t stop thinking about it and how I could have died. Haven’t really told the story in detail, or how I felt during it. I tried to keep it kinda short on social media. I’ve been going through so much mental shit before all this happened.. that over-sharing my dramatic thoughts and life makes me feel guilty and annoying. But basically, I was feeling extremely depressed at my house and at the very last minute (and after briefly getting into a little argument with my boyfriend) I said “I’m going to the mountains to do photography with Leah (my dog) and I don’t care if you have work to do. I’m going without you”. So I angrily packed all my shit into the car and got ready to go. -- Which is so rare for me because I have such bad anxiety and usually always do everything with my boyfriend. I don’t think I’ve ever gone up to the mountains without another person, so I was a little nervous but still excited. On the way there I stopped for snacks... A couple of days prior I decided that I was tired of having anorexia control my life and wanted to be raw vegan and healthy.. I wanted to be the type of person to always be in the mountains and doing photography. So I was finally feeling happy and positive for the first time in months, eating my snacks, looking at how cute my dog was in the review mirror, listening to music, driving down the winding mountain highway.... and as I drove up the mountain, around a corner, I saw this guy in the opposite lane go over the double yellow lines by about a foot. He lightly side-swept the person’s car in front of me but it caused him to go hurdling into my lane. I slammed onto the breaks but it was too late so I literally fucking screamed, raised my hands to my face to protect myself from impact, and watched in slow motion as his car came straight into mine. I can’t even fully describe how scary it is to see another car coming towards you at a high speed, no way to escape it. Those couple of seconds before impact keep replaying in my mind. I remember every fucking second, my scream, the thought crossing my mind that I was about to die...

There was a horrible screeching bang sound, everything went black for a couple seconds and when I opened my eyes my entire body felt like it was on fire. My car smelled horrible, it was smoking, my music was blaring through the radio, which was lodged completely into my console. I thought my car was going to catch on fire so I pushed open my door and stumbled out like a fucking crazy person (I can only imagine how I looked to the people driving by). A couple people stopped and asked if I needed help and I started crying and kept repeating “call 911″ but they drove off. I immediately remembered that my dog was in the backseat and she was yiping and crying. The crash was violent and I’m sure she got thrashed around in the backseat. She was freaked out and confused.

To cut a long story kinda short, I ended up being assisted by a lot of amazing people. I couldn’t stop crying and shaking, I couldn’t believe I was alive and walking. Everyone kept telling me how lucky I was. The other guy involved was okay too. He had a few cuts from being in a convertible but he was standing and communicating with people. I felt like I couldn’t breathe properly and felt a lot of pressure on my chest. The airbag basically pushed my necklaces into my chest and the steering wheel went into my thigh so I was feeling really banged up. They ended up airlifting me in a search and rescue helicopter to a hospital in pasadena (which was actually really scary and cool at the same time). I’ve been exploring angeles forest for years now, so to see it from an ariel view was amazing. The entire search and rescue team were wonderful. They made me feel comfortable and made me laugh. An amazing women who works for JPL and whose son works for search and rescue happened to be near when I got into the accident and took Leah and all my belongings and met me at the hospital. She stayed with me til my boyfriend, dad, and sister came. I’m forever grateful for her kindness and generosity. She really didn’t have to look after Leah for me or let us lay in her car after the accident, but she did. Luckily I only had a bruised chest + hip, along with burn marks on my arms from the airbag. I feel extremely fucking lucky because a few yards down the highway from where I crashed is a steep cliff-side with minimal railing. I could have flown off the fucking cliff and died right then and there..... and luckily Leah didn’t fly out the window because both her windows were down and she had her head out.. (she’s doing fine btw. She was super anxious and scared for a couple days + limping but now she’s feeling better). So ya, my car is totaled and I’m currently dealing with the stress of all that. It’s been extremely hard and I’m not coping very well... but I guess I’m grateful I didn’t sustain life-threatening injuries that day. Just sucks that the one day I was brave enough to fight past my anxiety, ED, and depression I ended up almost dying. It’s funny and sad at the same time

#me

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riverdalecentralbheg · 7 years

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This was really hard to write and I've been debating whether or not to post this...so here goes nothing.

Toxic relationships can come in all sorts of forms and shapes and sizes and sometimes we have issues recognizing when one we are in is a toxic relationship. This doesn’t just apply to romantic relationship, but familial and platonic relationships as well. They can be abusive, in multiple forms, physical, mental, and emotional. We are easily able to identify when a relationship is physically abusive unlike mental and emotional abusive relationships. I personally have been in a relationship that is mentally and emotionally abusive, he used to discredit my depressive episodes, when I’d get suicidal he’d either stop talking to me or just act like it was nothing. He’d brush it off when I was sad, saying it was a choice, but that’s the thing…with depression it really isn’t a choice, I don’t get to choose when the sadness inside me takes over, I don’t get to choose when I want to get out of bed. I may pretend to be happy, but most of the time I’m hiding my true feelings. When I’d get anxious he’d tell me, “It’s all in your head,” or “Knock it off, you’re fine.” But I wasn’t and he just didn’t want to put up with it. The signs came early in the relationship, but I ignored them because I believed that he loved me despite his lack of empathy. I thought it was a flaw I could over look, but as my anxiety continued to grow and in super high stress social situations, I realized maybe it wasn’t. We went to see the Def Leppard concert in September of 2016 and when we got to the concert my anxiety was barely there so I was able to keep it check, as the night wore on he walked off with his best friend leaving me there with the best friends’ wife. They were gone for over half of the concert all the while my anxiety just continued to grow and I started to exhibit physical symptoms, something I had never done before. It’s hard to explain, but it’s similar to jazz hands, but they were acting on their own accord. Eventually everything went away, but the next night was awful.

We went out to dinner with his best friend and the best friend’s wife from the night before, when we arrived at the restaurant there was a security guard for a company, I can’t recall at this point in time, but he approached our table and made a joke to make us trust him. I had a bad feeling and my anxiety started to act up a little bit, As the night went on he started to tease and asked if I was my boyfriend’s younger sister, that then turned into him asking numerous questions and my anxiety continued to get worse. My hands started to shake like they had the night before, the best friends’ wife could tell something was bothering me but didn’t speak up. Neither my boyfriend nor his best friend noticed. The guy continued to try to befriend us and at one point he reached up and he physically grabbed my ponytail and yanked on it, at this point my legs started to bounce uncontrollably. I had to excuse myself from the table and I hid in the bathroom for 25 minutes, no one came looking for me. I finally got sick of being ignored and went back to the table, my boyfriend didn’t act like anything had happened and finally the security guard left. As he let the restaurant I burst into tears and we quickly left and went back to the best friend’s apartment. No one bothered to see if my anxiety was okay or not and I ended up going home earlier than I wanted to. Throughout the whole night my boyfriend had done one thing to try to calm me down, he’d put his hand on my leg under the table, but every time the security guard got up to get more food my boyfriend told me to “Calm down, you’re fine.” Or his favorite phrase, “Knock it off you’re overreacting.”

Look at the situation from my point of view, I had been uncomfortable from the beginning and neither my boyfriend nor his best friend when the guy actually touched me had said anything, they kept quiet. This is the most extreme example that I have but it gets my point across. Mental health disorders are real, no matter how much you don’t want them to be they are. They always will be. This is how I have been mentally abused. Now onto the emotional abuse; same guy, same relationship, but different kind of abuse. I am emotionally damaged because of this abuse. When we were together I’d say something that I had an opinion on or something I felt strongly about and he would laugh at me. Yes he laughed at me, or he’d say that was stupid and start to put me down. Then one day I started feeling like it was my fault he was laughing at me or putting me down and calling me stupid and I did the worst think I ever could have-I started to apologize. I apologized for voicing my thoughts on the conversation we were all having; I apologized for telling him that I loved him; I even apologized for taking my medications for my mental health. I apologized for everything, and eventually I started to apologize for apologizing. I apologized for EVERYTHING, and when I go out with guys now, I warn them that I do this because of the things I’ve been through, if we get close I tell them the whole story, and why I’m afraid to get close to anyone anymore, because the last time I did I almost lost myself. I’ve never gotten close enough with anyone since then to tell them this, and I left this relationship a year ago. Time can heal things, but it can’t fix everything. You have to work towards it too.

Just recently I removed two separate people from my life. One was someone I’d considered by best friend and my parents and my other friends had been warning me about her for a while, but I ignored them. She was my best friend how could I just walk away? But I came to realize that she had been using me. We’d been up to Logan twice to visit our friends/family and this last time things really fell apart. On Friday afternoon I dropped her off at her old roommates place and left to go hang out with my dad’s cousins for a bit while they had a small college party. I called her as I left my dad’s cousins place about two hours later letting her know I was on my way back to the apartment where we’d be staying, or so I thought. As she answered the phone she let me know that they were just picking up the drinks and heading back to the apartment. It was late and I was tired, and I snapped, we’d planned that weekend just for us and she was throwing it away. I ended up staying with my dad’s cousin the entire weekend, and I hadn’t been planning on watching general conference but I went to my dad’s best friends’ house and watched it with their family. I really needed it that weekend. I missed the Saturday afternoon session because I was running around town with my best friend but I ended up watching all of it on Sunday and when I dropped her off at her friends’ house things were strained between us. Two and a half weeks later, we had a huge argument. She got mad at me for telling her she’d need to find her own ride home from work since I didn’t have time to take her home, then take my sister home, and still be on time for class. She blamed me saying that I’d left her to find a ride to work at the last minute three times, twice yes, but once I’d given her a two week notice; once had been because I’d woken up late and I couldn’t pick her up and still be on time myself, and she knew that my attendance came first, and the second time had been because I’d had a huge mental breakdown when I woke up and several more on my way to work. The one she knew about was when I had a doctors’ appointment. I was done. She blamed me for things that were not even close to being my fault. She said if I couldn’t pull it off there was no point in us carpooling to work or even being friends, so I ended it. I asked for the hoodie I’d bought her back and she argued with me, and I was trying to be nice until she texted me this, “You can have your hoodie back, but next time maybe you should buy things from your own school, and stop trying to fit in somewhere you don’t belong.” That was my breaking point. She knew I struggled with fitting in and she pushed it until I pushed back. I completely came unglued. Long story short, we are no longer friends and I don’t have to worry about her anymore. Besides I’m happier without her, I don’t need a friend to make me happy. I can be happy by myself.

The second person I took out of my life is a guy I’d met on Mutual by the name of Luke, we’d been trying to go on a date for about four months when I finally got sick of rescheduling. I’d only had to cancel on him twice, once because of a family emergency, and the second time because I’d gotten sick, he’d cancelled on me about 5 times all because of things with friends. He got mad at me and accused me because I’m not available any other night except for Friday and Saturday nights. That’s because I have work Mon-Friday 7-3:30. Classes after work on Monday from 5:30-6:50, Tuesdays from 6-7:20, Wednesdays from 5:30-6:50 and 7-8:30, and Thursdays from 6-7:20 and I use the time after classes to do homework, study and spend time with my family. Finally I told him that there was no point on going on a date if he couldn’t understand that weekends were the only thing that actually worked for me, and I wouldn’t budge because it’s not like we were dating, had we been exclusive it’d be a different story.

In short toxic relationships can seriously damage you. But time, prayer, and Trust in God can help heal you. I know that God is there for us no matter what happens; I know that God and Jesus Christ love us and only want the best for us. I know this church is true, and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

#personal #faith #religious #LDS #Toxic Relationship #toxic people #personal growth #me

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theeurekaproject · 4 years

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Sex Gradus

"All right, Christ, I'm coming!" Athena begrudgingly got out of bed, though she took the topmost blanket with her, wrapping it around her shoulders like a cape. Whoever was at the door would just have to deal with seeing her in her pajamas; after about 22:00, she got dressed for nobody and nothing. The apocalypse could happen and she'd show up wearing a onesie; she simply couldn't be bothered.

She padded over to the door blearily, rubbing at sleep-clouded eyes. It was probably a package she'd ordered when she was drunk and decided to go on an online shopping spree. Those were always exciting, though they threatened to get her evicted for not paying rent when she spent her entire paycheck on whatever she thought looked good at 4 AM when she was wasted.

To her surprise, there was no package or envelope waiting for her. Another loud, frantic knock sounded, followed by a panicked voice. "Athena? Athena, let me in!"

"Carina?" Athena opened the door, blinking. "What the hell?" She looked like someone had decided to practice painting using her face as a canvas. Makeup swatches in very pale shades dotted her neck, and she wore foundation that was much too light to match her skin with fluorescent red lipstick that belonged on an underground meretrix more than it belonged on a Scientia. Somebody had tried to braid her hair, but her severe, shoulder-length haircut was too short for it to work, so the half-braided tendrils fell limply next to her ears. Her entire body, from head to toe, was covered in glitter.

Athena blinked. "You look like an eight year old's arts-and-craft project gone wrong."

"Yeah, I know. I know. I—" She cut herself off. "You know what? That doesn't matter. I have to talk to you. Right now."

Athena sucked in some air. "Are you in trouble? Wait, am I in trouble?"

"Maybe."

"Shit. If they ask who I am, you don't know me!" Athena didn't think they'd actually go after her for her comments, but that was foolish in retrospect—they could go after her for whatever they wanted. The Magistratum could be chasing her for any number of reasons, actually, ranging from underage drinking to movie pirating to saying things she wasn't supposed to about Alestra and her family.

"No, the police aren't after you or me or anyone, yet," Carina said, reading Athena's mind. She took a deep breath to calm herself and sat down at the edge of the messy, unmade bed, wearing an anxious expression.

"Okay." Athena felt a surge of relief, though her heart still pounded in her chest. If the police weren't involved, she was fine… probably. Now that she thought about it, Carina had a tendency to get like this. She'd done something similar last year when they took their calculus final; she came to Athena's room, panicking, at about two AM, stressing about how she'd fail and crash and burn. She took the test the next day and passed with a 98, while Athena, who hadn't even bothered to study, slid by with a 66 and a lot of notes written stealthily on her hand. Knowing Carina, this anxiety was probably because of something equally as dumb.

But she'd also just spoken with royalty earlier that day, so it was also not out of the question that she'd received bad news.

"What did Cipher want?" Athena asked, preparing herself for the worst, but expecting something mind-numbingly dull.

Carina bit her lip. "Not here. There could be bugs." "Bugs? Who would bug a Scientia's quarters?" Athena scoffed. "I'm definitely not that important." "We might be more important than you think we are."

Athena narrowed her eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Just… don't trust this place. Don't trust any place where someone could possibly hide something."

"Okay, well, if there are cameras here, you're acting super shady and that's bound to raise some red flags," Athena said. "But if it'll make you feel better to go someplace else…" She was half-hoping that Carina would feel guilty about dragging her out of bed and rescind her plead to leave the apartment, but there was no such luck.

"Yes. Yes, it would." Beads of sweat rose around Carina's hairline.

Athena was surprised at that. Ordinarily, Carina was polite almost to a fault; if she was making someone get up in the middle of the night to go galavanting around all Eleutheria, there had to be a damn good reason for it. And if that reason involved the royal family—which it probably did, seeing as Carina spent all day at their oversized mansion—Athena didn't want to miss it.

"Hold on," she said, kicking off her slippers to put on more sensible sneakers. She could only find one sock, so she disregarded the thought of wearing them and figured that she'd just deal with the blisters later. "I know where we can go." "Do you, uh, want to change first?" Carina asked, eyeing Athena's stained pajamas. They were covered in the visages of the titular characters from Freep and Wuggle, a children's show featuring adorable talking aliens who taught young Scientias about the wonders and horrors of science. Athena had started watching it again semi-ironically, but she'd quickly found herself unable to stop quoting Freep's soliloquies about the nature of entropy, and her enjoyment of the show had gone from ironic to dead serious.

"You're the one who looks like a little kid who had way too much fun playing in Mommy's makeup bag, and you're asking me to change?" she asked, partially because Carina really did look that stupid, and partially she could pry Freep and Wuggle from Athena's cold, dead hands.

"Fair enough." Carina sighed. "Then let's go, quickly. It's important."

It was late enough that the lobby was almost deserted, save for occasional smatterings of nightshift workers and busied staff. A few young girls who'd clearly snuck out of the educational facility on level 361 stood in the corner, giggling and whispering; they scrambled off when Athena and Carina passed. Athena smiled at them, remembering how it felt to sneak away when she was that young—exciting, adventurous, bold. Now it was just routine.

"Okay," she said, "first, we gotta get to that creepy abandoned biologics lab a little ways down from the blood pharm on level 228 of the Trinity lab building. It's pretty dangerous there, so we're gonna have to go fast." Carina's eyes widened.

"Dangerous?"

"Yeah, there are all sorts of horrible diseases there that nobody ever thought to clean up. Don't worry too much about it, though—I've been there a bunch of times, and I only got anthrax twice."

"Anthrax?!"

"It's treatable with phage therapy, whatever that is," Athena shrugged. "Anyway, the cameras there don't work too great, since everyone's been too scared to go in and replace them since the Ebola breached containment. But I don't really want to stick around there, because bleeding out of my face holes doesn't sound fun." \

"I… I don't even want to know," Carina said, shaking her head.

"Then we have to take a different elevator all the way down to level…" She counted quickly on her fingers. "31, 30, 29, 28… 21. We have to go down to level 21. You'll see."

"That's really dangerous," Carina said shakily.

"We'll be fine. Kalyn showed me the way around."

"Okay, but do you trust Kalyn?"

"Listen, do you want to get someplace without cameras or not?" Athena asked. "Because you sure as hell won't find anywhere that's totally safe up here. Sure, the lower levels are risky, but isn't it riskier if we just stay up here and just hope and pray that nobody's watching?"

"Fine," Carina conceded. "Can't we at least wear, I don't know, masks or something? This seems—"

"Come on." Athena grabbed her arm and practically dragged her into the elevator. She stopped protesting momentarily, her features turning from irritated to worried again. Athena's heart skipped a beat. She knew she shouldn't be taking advantage of her friend's stress, but at the same time, the anticipation was impossible to ignore. If this turned out to be big, this could be her golden ticket into power and importance.

She barely breathed as she ran through the abandoned lab, primarily because she didn't want to catch super-anthrax, but also because she wanted to hear what Carina had to say so badly she found it difficult to focus on anything else. Seconds dragged on like minutes; running at top speed wasn't fast enough. By the time they piled into the dingy old elevator on the lowermost floor of the ancient complex and began plummeting down to the surface of the Earth, Athena felt like she'd burst at the seams from the stress of waiting. It took all her strength to put a finger to her lips and say "no, not yet!" when Carina opened her glittery, lip-glossy mouth.

The whole carriage shook as they sank towards the Underground, sending a rush of adrenaline through Athena's entire body and turning Carina's face a sickly green. They landed at an awkward angle in between two floors, exactly where Athena had expected. She kicked the door open—she wasn't very strong, but it was extremely corroded—and jumped out, a fall of about five feet. Carina followed hesitantly.

"This way." Athena pointed to a doorway half-covered by boxes and bright yellow tape. An illegible sign written in ancient English hung on the doorway, held to the wood with faded silvery-gray adhesive strips.

The interior of the building was a maze. It had been a functioning office once, then a historical display, then the decrepit mess it was now, a ruin smattered with crumbled walls and gaping holes where bombs had hit. It was a relic of a war that had happened a long time ago, something about the country of Arcadia; Athena hadn't paid enough attention in history class to remember the specifics. It was hallowed and hollow, burned down and burnt out, and that was all that mattered.

Through a passageway half-blocked by shards of broken glass and crushed metal pipes was the target. It was a tight squeeze, though both Scientias were short. Carina breathed sharp, claustrophobic breaths as she dodged sharp pieces of shrapnel that nobody had ever bothered to clear away after the facility was shut down. Athena remained steadfast, eyes on the reward of finally getting Carina to spill the beans.

"All right," she said, emerging from the capillary-sized passage into a larger, hollowed out space. "We're here."

"Where's here?" Carina demanded, looking afraid. She stared at the sparkling lights that surrounded them—they were cocooned in a swathe of blinking electrodes and exposed electronics, most of which were entirely nonfunctional.

"Kalyn and I found it one day when we were exploring," Athena explained. "These are the bombed-out remains of a supercomputer from like an eon ago. It was called Timotheus."

"The Timothy Davis supercomputer?" Carina asked, eyes wide. Of course she knows what that is, Athena thought. Nerd.

"Yeah, whatever you want to call it," Athena shrugged. "Anyway, Kalyn swears to me that it's totally safe in here. I don't think the government even knows this place still exists. They'd have torn it down years ago if they knew. So…." Carina opened her mouth and shut it again.

"Come on," Athena whined. "I'm dying!"

"Okay," she said, "but you have to swear not to tell anyone. It doesn't matter if what I tell you is right or not, it could get us both killed if someone found out that I knew and I told you."

"Damn, this must be pretty important." Athena tried to sound chill, but inside she was quivering.

"So all that elaborate stuff was just, well, Aleskynn being Aleskynn," Carina began. "You know how she is—well, you've never met her, but she acts exactly like how you'd expect a princess with all the money in the world and absolutely no responsibilities to act. Like–"

"Like a spoiled brat."

"Yeah. I mean, she has some redeeming qualities, but—okay, wait, I'm gonna ramble again." Carina took another steadying breath. "So, we were talking, and she kind of offhandedly mentioned that everyone in the royal court hates Acidalia. And apparently she's not exaggerating; they really, really, really dislike her, to the point where most if not all of them want her dead."

Athena was, admittedly, slightly surprised by that. "Really? Most people I know don't hate her, even if they don't love her, either. She's better than her mother, supposedly."

"Well, according to Aleskynn, they absolutely detest her. I don't know if you knew this, but she's not legitimate—at least not in the purest sense of the word. She has a claim to the throne under the Code, but it breaks tradition, and they do not like that. And she's also half-Martian."

"I did know that." Athena thought back to a few months ago when someone had called her a tinfoil hatter because she'd made a comment about it. Screw you, Maevyx from Biologics, she thought. I'll show you.

"But that's not all of it," Carina continued. "Aleskynn also said that nearly every noble house is planning to kill her at some point—"

"Aren't they always threatening to kill each other?"

"Yes, but this is different. Since when has Generalis gotten along with Vulgaris and Communia? Agrestis hates every other noble house in the court, yet somehow they're in agreement with everyone else about hating a Cipher, but just this one specific Cipher. That sounds weird, doesn't it?" Athena nodded, feeling gears turn in her head. Truth be told, she didn't know half as much about the intricacies of the court as Carina did; she always envisioned herself among the nouveau-riche rather than with the stuffy old-money aristocrats someday. But if any of the (admittedly terrible) fantasy films she'd seen were right, it was rare for every noble house to suddenly agree with each other. That just didn't happen when people were constantly grappling for power.

"That's very weird," Athena said. "And suspicious."

"So I sort of, kind of mentioned that to Aleskynn—how strange it is, I mean. And she all but admitted that nearly everyone with the court is working with the Novagenetica."

"What." Athena said it flatly, like it wasn't a question.

"And they're going to assassinate Acidalia sometime this week," Carina added, her voice dropping to a whisper. "House Generalis—the same house that pulled a gun on her at the coronation—says she'll be dead in two days."

"Wait, you mean there's an actual plot to assassinate her right now?" Athena asked, eyes wide. "And Aleskynn told you about this, like it was nothing?!"

"Not just a plot to kill her, a plot to do it and pin it on someone else, just like they did with that soldier boy. And I was very much not supposed to tell you about anything. I'm still questioning whether telling you was even a good idea, but I figured you're the only person I know who has some ability to help me."

"That's fair. For all my shortcomings, I am pretty well-connected." Athena smirked. She felt like a side character in a cyberpunk movie, like a badass hacker the protagonist would just happen to come across after receiving a tip from a shady guy in a bar. She knew absolutely nothing whatsoever about hacking—she could barely make her laptop run a simple word processor—but it was still a nice feeling, so she relished it as much as possible. "Did she tell you anything else?"

Carina shook her head. "I don't think she honestly knew much else. I mean, she's Aleskynn Cipher, she's not well-known for being perceptive and shady."

"Ain't that the truth." Athena recalled an interview of Aleskynn that she'd read in a gossip magazine once. They kept asking her about political issues and her sister's ascent to the throne, and she'd responded with nonsense every time. It was like when Athena was a little kid and she answered every science question with some bullshit about photosynthesis—she had no idea what it meant, but it sounded like sufficiently big word. The whole interview was like that, but Aleskynn used words like "antidisestablishmentarialism" instead.

"She did, however, tell me that she'd make me a royal advisor if—when—she took the throne, though," Carina added. "I'm not sure if she'd ever actually do that, or if her mother would let her."

"A bunch of Nova maniacs letting a Scientia into a position of power?" Athena asked, suspicious. "Something tells me that wouldn't happen."

"Something tells me you're right," Carina agreed. "I don't think she really realizes the consequences of what they're planning on doing. Talking to her is like talking to someone who's lived in a bubble their whole life. She was going on and on about how great it would be when she became the Imperatrix, but had no idea what she'd actually do once the crown was hers. She literally told me 'well, that's what advisors are for, isn't it?' As far as assassinating her older sister... she acts like it's totally normal and consequence-free."

"Wow, either she's a total sociopath or they had a really shitty relationship." Athena said.

"I think it's the second one... well, I don't know if I'd define it as shitty. More like nonexistent. Aleskynn thinks Acidalia is a 'Martian whore,' and I don't know what Acidalia thinks of her because I've never seen them interact with each other."

"Well, if someone called me a Martian whore, I probably wouldn't want to talk to her, either." Athena suddenly felt bad for the Imperatrix—both because seemingly everyone wanted her dead, and because growing up with someone as annoying as Aleskynn Cipher sounded horrific.

Carina sighed. "I suppose that's besides the point now, though. All I know is that they're going to kill Acidalia, and they're going to do it soon. And that means seven more years of Alestra—"

"Yikes."

"And then Aleskynn will be on the throne with her for God knows how long," Carina finished. "And even though I don't hate Aleskynn, she would be an awful empress."

"Agreed." Athena didn't know Acidalia whatsoever, but she had to be better than her mother or her sister—not that the bar was set very high. Still, having a semi-competent Imperatrix was far better than having a bunch of Nova fascists and one stupid tween at the helm of the solar system's biggest empire. There had to be some way to stop her from dying.

Athena racked her brain for a solution. It was as simple as letting Acidalia know somehow what her family was planning—if she knew the lengths they were willing to go to get her out of the line of succession, she might be able to get the hell out of there before someone put a bullet through her brain. But how on Terra could they just talk to the Imperatrix Ceasarina of Eleutheria like that? Athena didn't really know how royalty really worked, but she was pretty sure Acidalia-Planitia Cipher didn't just have a phone number or email address to send a warning to.

She thought briefly of direct messaging her on social media, then immediately dismissed that as a stupid idea. Acidalia probably got trillions of messages a day—she would never notice anything Athena sent. Besides, she probably didn't even manage her own accounts.

No, it would have to be someone close to her—someone who could walk up to her and be listened to. A noblewoman, probably, or some insanely high-ranking soldier or police chief. Even then, they'd have to be friendly with her. Otherwise she'd be wary of listening to them—if so many people truly wanted her dead, she wouldn't be willing to take what a stranger told her at face value. (That is, if she had an IQ higher than 4, which Athena somewhat doubted, seeing as she was related to Aleskynn.)

But who was high-ranking, had direct access to the palace, and had a friendly relationship with Acidalia Cipher? Athena couldn't think of anyone, especially not anyone she knew.

"I don't know what we're supposed to do," Carina confessed, looking lost. "I don't even know why I told you. It's not like we can change anything."

"No, I'll come up with something." Athena suddenly remembered a concept she'd learned in a communications class they'd made her take in eighth year. She'd thought it was so stupid at the time—why would an Astrophysica need a communications class? But they had told her one useful thing—the theory of six degrees of separation. No one person was really separated from another; the world was a network. If person A was trying to reach person B, there was a virtually guaranteed chance that A knew someone who knew someone who knew someone and so on, all the way until someone knew someone who knew person B. If you knew the right people, you could reach anyone in a relatively small amount of steps.

But who were the right people?

Athena thought of the most important people she knew. Most of them were work bosses, people who only slightly higher ranking than she was. She knew Carina, who knew Aleskynn, who knew Acidalia, but there was no way she could go that route when Aleskynn was actively trying to kill her own sister.

But, outside of the normal chain of command, there were other ways to gain power. They were less legitimate, less common, and less legal, but those pathways still existed. And Athena knew Kalyn, whose mother was supposedly a leader in some criminal enterprise. If she truly was as powerful as Kalyn made her sound, she'd probably made bribes with some wealthy Magistratum, who probably knew politicians, who knew more politicians... and the chain continued, all the way until someone knew the highest-ranking politician ever.

"Okay," Athena said. "This is a long shot, but I have a plan."

#eurekaproject #on the edge of eureka #POV Carina #Athena #fun fact: I changed the name to SIX Gradus like the number on some sites #because I was afraid it would get flagged for inappropriate content #if I kept sex in the name #even though it literally is the number six #anyway #writing problems

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cosmosogler · 7 years

Text

guess whoooooo lost track of time!

i basically did none of the things i was hoping to do today. i got up kinda late since i had so much trouble sleeping last night, i spent too long in the shower, i can’t remember what i did all morning. i couldn’t leave the house since dad was gone... oh, i washed the blanket. and i made plans to get lunch with some relatives next monday. i feel like i’m forgetting something important i was going to do though. like, really important.

i did pick up my meds in the afternoon when dad got back. i haven’t started taking them yet. i will start tonight at bedtime.

the steroids don’t seem to be helping doge at all. dad said that might happen. she’d have a lot less time if that happened. he said he wasn’t gonna let her live like that. she didn’t leave dad’s room today. i gave her a bowl of water and my brother brought her food bowl to her when it was time to feed them. she wouldn’t go outside unless dad was around either.

i did coax her outside at about 7, after i had a small dinner that made me pretty ill.

maybe the infection is why i’ve been feeling so much more discomfort and pain this last week. and generally been feeling junky and absentminded. it’s dumb. my old doctor tried treating my pain with antibiotics back in early january when it first started happening and that didn’t help then. now it’s three months later and i suddenly have an infection?? even though i just took a round of antibiotics for that exact strain? jesus.

oh, i got a confirmation email for an appointment with my old therapist. for an appointment i did not schedule, and was not on my schedule card. i was pretty annoyed, but i called and made sure to specify that i meant “all future appointments” when i had asked for a cancellation.

that seemed to eat up my entire supply of resolve for the day. i did not call the school. school related things are so incredibly stressful right now and i haven’t dealt with ANY of them. and i know that’s bad, and i’m bad for not doing them, and it’s gotten me in trouble with school administration in the past... i don’t know why “need to do thing” + “anxiety about thing” seems to mean “inability to do thing” every time. it’s not a very useful manifestation of stress. usually like, a desire to do a thing and imminently needing to do the thing come together and result in the thing getting done. i guess that’s why it’s an anxiety disorder.

i didn’t take wiley out for a walk, even though he asked twice. my ankles have really been hurting whenever i put on shoes. i forgot to put a bandage on my other ankle before i left for the pharmacy and had to limp awkwardly around the store to try to avoid the chafing. i bought myself a candy bar and in the less than 10 minute trip home it melted. i was kinda bummed.

after trying to walk and hurting my ankle though i didn’t really want to go out of the house. so wiley and eve suffered for it. i did sit outside with the three of them for like 25 minutes though.

my favorite way to pet eve is to take her leathery ear between my fingers and thumb and just feel the thin velvety fur. she doesn’t seem to mind at all. when she does mind she just shakes her head and pulls her ear out of my hand. diogi’s a little harder to do that with because her ears are all scarred up from her hematomas. and she gets real ticklish. wiley thinks it’s a game and nips at my fingers.

i talked with oz for a long time today. i have felt too lethargic to really commit to playing games... voice chatting is easier for me than focusing on a game. i would say that i feel better playing games in person, but

OH WOW A BOTTLE CAP!

i would say that i feel better playing games in person, but i still kinda refuse to play games with dad. and i’m not being very persistent about getting him to sit down and continue watching jojo. i think i don’t have a problem playing games with asher because they are in person, and they are short and low-commitment, and also i enjoy playing games with asher. those three things are like... what needs to happen for me to be able to focus.

pokemon is the obvious exception, but i have trouble articulating why. i’ve always liked pokemon. it lets me feel assured that i could put it down at a moment’s notice and attend to other things if i wanted/needed to. i just... never put it down, or if i do, i don’t put it down for long.

it’s not that i CAN’T stop playing. when i’m hanging with asher i don’t really even think about it that much. i was really super bummed in december and january when i wasn’t playing because i had misplaced my entire collection of competitive/gifted pokemon, but that wasn’t because i wasn’t playing. it was more because i didn’t have the choice to stop playing. it had been taken away from me. in high school i went for years without playing. i still often go weeks or months without touching it, especially toward the end of the game’s “season.” it’s just, i feel like i can always just pick it right back up whenever i feel like it. and right now i ain’t got nothin better to do.

it’s better to have a project than to not have a project, right?

i kind of want to stress the difference between having a hobby and having an obsession or addiction. like, i have a physical addiction to my antidpressants, biologically. if i don’t take them i have really unpleasant withdrawal. but i am always, always sadder to not be talking to my friends than i am to not be playing pokemon. no question.

maybe i need to reassure myself because mom’s accusations make me feel insecure about my attachment to my hobbies. she always said i was addicted to video games and they were rotting my brain or whatever. but she also said i was addicted to melatonin. which is a dietary supplement and a naturally occurring chemical in your body.

she’s good at ‘splaining to me. momsplaining.

i get “addicted” to things like tetris and sudoku puzzles way more easily than pokemon. with pokemon there are generally good places to stop, and it’s easy to build a routine and stop at the end of that routine. but with tetris it just goes on forever. and sudoku puzzles, i can’t stop doing them when i start. when i close my eyes i see numbers popping into squares. i was actually pretty annoyed with my family for getting me a huge “daily sudoku” puzzle book for christmas. i had a sort of post-it note-sized 500 puzzle pad for a while in high school. i spent hours tearing through it, neglecting to eat or drink or do much homework. they had to be solved.

with jigsaws, and with pokemon, i don’t feel as... anxious getting up and leaving it for a little bit, or coming back tomorrow.

i think i burned myself out though. i don’t even like doing the single online sudoku puzzles any more. i just do the new set of picture logic puzzles that comes out every friday and that usually takes about a half hour to forty minutes.

that sure was a tangent! pokemon was actually the first thing that really encouraged me to learn how to read. it had a lot of unfamiliar words and concepts that i had to actually sit down and read to learn about. like i had to figure out what “hydro” meant. before that i had tried to pick up long books like ms. piggly wiggly and kind of brute force my way through reading new material. but for video games i had to read because i had to learn the rules and how it worked. it wasn’t just a story.

i mean, i was still super bad at it until, like, crystal version came out almost three years later. but after i spent two hours trying to figure out how to get past veridian city because i didn’t know that i had to get the thing from the shopkeeper and take it back to professor oak, i learned that i had to learn how to read new words if i wanted to play this whole game.

formative experiences!

so i guess i did do quite a few of the things i had wanted to do today. tomorrow i’m gonna get lunch with gramma and i will TRY to contact at least one school for any of the reasons i need to contact any school. that’s just vague enough to not be a real commitment!

i should be a little more active with asher about settling in and studying for the general gre. he has to take it before the end of may i think? because of various scheduled events happening in his life after that. i say that not because i want to fuss and meddle with his life, but also because i have tutored before and in the physics field it is a very useful skill to have. now is the time to start working on a battle plan.

ok, it is past 12:30 now. i should stop writing and go to bed... i will try to pick up a new tv show this weekend i think. i’m thinking... death note. or maybe motorcity... something not too long-running, and preferably complete. i don’t have the energy to keep up with new ongoing shows right now. and i am feeling satisfied with the amount of show/movie critiques i have seen for now.

a REAL project would be starting a book! whoof. or worse, trying to draw or write again!!! terrifying!!!!!!

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tayegi · 7 years

Note

Equilibrium is blowing my mind 😮😮😮 I never expected jungkook to suddenly turn into some possessive psycho jerk 😨😨 I really hope he gets his shit together. What the flying f*ck 😱😱😱 In fact It'd be cool if Jin suddenly showed up with food and The OC leaves that chaotic relationship for food 😂😂😂😂 EVRYONE WOULD PICK FOOD OVER RELATIONSHIPS. right ? Am i the only one lol *cries*

AHHHH THANK YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE FOR THEIR LOVELY ASKS!!! IT’S GOOD TO KNOW THAT PEOPLE CAN HAVE HEALTHY, NON-PROBLEMATIC REACTIONS TO GROSS, CONTROLLING MEN!

Anonymous said:Sorry for being late to the party lol, but I just read the new update of Equilibrium and I felt so fucking anxious and scared for the oc. I don't know how in the hell, some ppl find jungkook's actions hot when he is literally being psychotic and obsessive. Especially the part when he told her 'You'll regret it', he's basically threatening her there. It's obvious the whole relationship they have is toxic af and it only seems to be getting worse as time passes. Apart from that, have a nice day!

Anonymous said:OMG EQUILIBRIUM 11 Omg I still have goosebumps, like Jungkook was being so fucking possessive it scared the shit out of me. Even tho It was a shitty move for the oc to not attend his graduation, she still could had attended but that phone call... I don't want this to turn into some creepy murdering fanfic LOL. Ughhh Jungkook what is even going in your mind? I'll be looking forward to the next chapter! xx :)

Anonymous said:Dude, you did such a great job at writing o/c's anxiety in this chapter. I try not to be bias toward her, but it's really hard since the story us in her pov. I got seriously grossed out by JK, man. I was so uncomfortable with the whole morning ordeal. 😩 And his threat at the end?? I know it's a story, but I had my friend-instincts kick in and I just wanted to shake her and be like "PLEASE LEAVE THIS RN PLEASE" (1)

Anonymous said:(2) And I'm curious about how Jimin would react if he knew how JK was acting. He has this idea that JK is a perfect boy, but if only he knew...But, at the same time, they all have this distorted view of one another, huh? We see Jimin as Mr. Perfect cause that's how o/c sees him. I guess it goes into that whole "unreliable narrator" thing? I'm just writing what thoughts the chapter has provoked. I absolutely love how u pay attention to detail in this story!! Awesome job as usual, mane 😊🙆

Anonymous said:Jungkook needs to take a moment to realize how miserable and uncomfortable the OC is like my goodness. Things have gone waaaaaay downhill. Especially for the OC. Also Jungkook actions are just kind of creepy??? And just like so unhealthy. I know it can be really hard to get out of a relationship, and she still loves Jimin and all, but the OC needs to just get out of there.

Anonymous said:omg jk is becoming such a possessive creep like reading the last part gave me chills tbh. they all need to realize that this relationship is v toxic and dip out of it. i kind of expected this to become what it is from the beginning but you still added twists to it that caught me off guard, thanks for being a great writer lu

Anonymous said:oh man that last chapter. just really fucking scary.... i went back and reread the end of ch.10 to recap and it makes me wonder how far y/n's willing to go for what's "worth it" in exchange for her own personal well being. because fuck, what jungkook is exhibiting is extremely concerning. as always your writing is amazing! thank you for using your free time this way, i'm sorry people are being gross and rude. you don't deserve that kinda shit, lu :(

Anonymous said:I genuinely love how you describe the OC as a trapped bird, and seeing how Jungkook reacted to everything is actually causing me to fear for the OC's well-being. I just want her to exist the whole relationship and just hook up with sunshine, can do no wrong hobi instead of the possessive junglecock and the passive Jimin :/ just my thoughts. But you're an extremely talented writer and your PhD is more important than smutty fanfic, so take all the time you need

Anonymous said:Ok first of all what the hell at ppl asking u for quick updates cuz ive lived with phd students they literally have a never ending to do list and im so amazed at ur ability to find time to write unbelievable. U go girl. And 2ndly, the claustraphobia u mentioned that oc was feeling. That was so detailed and even i felt like i was in her place. And jk..uve characterized his possessiveness so well and i got so mad forgetting this was a fictional character i was ready to throw a chair

Anonymous said:eek jungkook is making the equilibrium relationship so unhealthy somebody punch him

Anonymous said:Jungkook makes me so uncomfortable and I can actually feel the claustrophobia that OC feels .-. Overall, really excited for the next parts and can't wait to reread to see if I can find more theories. Thanks for the new chapter!

Anonymous said:ch 11... HOLY FUCK SHE NEED TO GET OUT JK IS LOONEY!! you really know how to make a story really good dude. super excited for updates!! i'm really curious about jimin's thought process about all of this. you've given a really good insight on kook and oc but jimin is still a little hard for me to figure out, i assume that's coming soon? i feel for oc, i want to protect her and tell her she's stronger and smarter than all of this. she's worth more than all of this craziness!!! GIRL POWER!! lol

Anonymous said:Holy fucking shit everything is so messed up in equilibrium like !! I love it and at the same time i cry because of the way you describe the oc's feelings I SWEAR I CAN FEEL IT TOO HOW DO YOU DO THAT? I can feel everything, my heart is pounding so fast now. Im so into it and i just want her to run away from this toxic relationship and take care of herself first like i know she loves jimin to the core but she is more important my heart clenches at every exquisite word you writE THANK YOU SO MUCH

Anonymous said:The story is really great I love how original your writing is I don't even see the characters as Jm an jk Which allows me to see how disgusting they all let themselves be treated in the relationship, a lot of the times I feel like readers are blinded by the image of an idol it changes their perspective honestly even if it was just one person who was lying about loving the other it would still be just as horrible I'm really curious as to what's even going on and how you are going to continue it❤️

ahmie-cat said:I feel so sad for the oc in equilibrium. Jungkook don't own nobody! How dare he claim ownership on the oc! I will fight him any day! I'll fight for the oc's freedom rights. Lols, just kidding... But really all of the characters are so sad...

Anonymous said:Honestly in the earlier chapters i really liked Jungkook but now hes just scaring me. The way the OC reacts to all his actions is so relatable thats exaclty how I would feel in her situation. This is crazy I dont even know how this fic would end I love it so much

Anonymous said:I was the anon who recommended you watch wfkbj and I'm so glad you like it!! :) ALSO the latest chapter of equilibrium was so good oh my god;; it's just ramping up like tenfold and while I was reading it sometimes I just had to stop and take a breather bc of all the tension lol. Honestly I don't even know how the oc is dealing with jungkook rn bc his behavior would chill me to the very bone I would have to get out !!! Anyways as always thank you for updating

Anonymous said:ah goodness, it was autocorrect that changed jungkook to jongkook! maybe next time i'll just use jinglebook to refer to him instead thens ahahahah. "goodness gracious, jinglebook is hella possessive that i'm actually really scared for y/n :s"

Anonymous said:GIRL THANK YOU FOR UPDATING OMG IM SHAKING IN MY CHANKLAS JUNGKOOK IS SO DELUSIONAL AND I WISHED OC WOULDVE BEEN STRAIGHT UP WITH HIM AND LIKE IDK NOT MILK ON HIS CRAZYNESS IM JUST SO ANXIOUS TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT SORRY FOR TYPING IN CAPS

Anonymous said:So, uh. Equilibrium Jungkook is fucking terrifying....

Anonymous said:I hope the oc in equilibrium leaves the relationship. It's so unhealthy and I feel like she might develop some type of mental illness or just be very stressed and anxious if she continues the relationship.... It's just a fanfic, but man, i'd hate to be in her position... I feel like crying Lols. Is this what you intended?? Haha.... It's really good so far I'm looking forward to what happens next. I feel like there'll be a good moral to the story. *Fingers crossing.

Anonymous said:Damn wtf jungkook behavior is freaking me out 😳 "you'll regret it" like wtf crazy people say shit like that

Anonymous said:jkzldlzlldz TF IS HAPPENING I'M SO CONFUSED JK IS CRAZY WTF OMG

Anonymous said:the characters in equilibrium seem to have never been in an actual proper relationship so the fact that they seem to have lasted this long is by sheer miracle. It's also probably why their worst aspects are even more apparent like jk's obsessiveness (which btw yikes boy yikesss) they literally all need to walk far far away from each other cause they a mess but I do wonder who's gonna be the first to do it cause it's all so complicated now, sorry for rambling I just love this fic so much!!

Anonymous said:What the ever loving monkey fuck is wrong with Jungkook. See, i was okay with him being jealous of Jimin because that's normal. I was moderately okay with OC agreeing to Jungkook's terms because she wants to stay with Jimin. I AM NOT OKAY with his sociopathic tendencies and how obsessive he's become. I think he's mistaken OCs genuine kindness for romantic interest at one point. And the thing that scares me the most is how Jimin seems to have no idea what's going on right under his nose as well

Anonymous said:Bruhhhh jungkook is legit fucking scary but the story itself is amazing and complex im gonna reread it right now

Anonymous said:Equilibrium is getting really interesting!! I'm kinda worried tht ppl read sentences like "Even a domesticated pet needs a taste of freedom" in context with her just /looking/ at jimin and think 'oh how romantic' tho. In every scene between her and jk u can practically feel her discomfort and fear and his possessiveness and how he's abusing her. I would normally stop reading a fic like tht bc I don't like it when the ppl are written like that bc they are real after all but I'm super hooked (1/2)

Anonymous said:(2/2)now and I am also really curious as to if and how they all are gonna get out of that situation or if jk kills her before they can just bc she takes care of a literally puking-everywhere-bedridden jimin. I'm also curious how Jimin is gonna act towards y/n now that they're alone and if he even noticed the toxic stuff that's happening between her and jk or if he didn't even notice bc jk kept him "happy" (idk how else to put it) so yeah. Keep up the great work!! Have a nice day xx

Anonymous said:GURL YOU NEED TO RUN FAST AND YOU NEED TO RUN FAR. It sucks that Jimin doesn't like OC romantically, but he's just using you to stay with JK. But JK... that shit is gonna hit the roof soon soon and it ain't gonna be pretty @.@

Anonymous said:Hey Lu, thanks for taking the time to update again~ Regarding the story...Jungkook is incredibly terrifying, like I had to step away a few times as I read because I just want the reader to leave so badly. I wish she would just be like "peace out". Everyone should just leave this situation and say "peace out". Even though I know the feelings are so complicated between all of them, it's just such a shit show on fire :( . Well done on setting everything up though. The tension is insane!

Anonymous said:Ugh I honestly want to slap Jungkook so hard. Possessive little shit.. As always your writing is amazing. Thank you for the update.

Anonymous said:OC, JIMINS DICK ISNT WORTH AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP GTFO THAT SITUATION GIRL IM SCREAMING

Anonymous said:JEONS FUCKED IN THE HEAD. HE WAS CUTE AND ALL AT FIRST BUT THEN IDK GIRL, I FEEL SORRY FOR JIMIN AND OC. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHATS HAPPENING ALL I KNOW IS I LOVE THIS AND I CERTAINLY LOVE YOU! IS HE PSYCHOTIC THO? FEELS LIKE JEON WOULD KILL ANYONE WHO DARE TO TOUCH OC..

mirajoey said:MY GAWDD!! Jeon Jungkook has gone mad😱 i pray for oc's safety

Anonymous said:i am terrified by jungkook's actions and NOTHING in this whole damn world is going to excuse what he is saying and doing in equilibrium. WHERE IS YOONGI DITCH THEM ALL Y/N AND GO FOR YOONGI. and today, i have been going through some really misogynic shit today and it felt so freaking uncomfortable and i was so angry and kind of frightened...i do not know how y/n is able to act like a normal person with jungkook around who is being very possessive and psycho-like

Anonymous said:When I first saw you updated Equilibrium I almost yelled "IMMA BUST MY LEFT NUT" (I was really excited lol) and now I'm lying here in a puddle of emotion really scared for the OC lol. I adore your writing so much, thank you for writing these xx

Anonymous said:JEON YOU CREEP. Man this is all such a disaster BUT I LOVE TO WATCH THE DRAMA UNFOLD. Anyways it was a great chapter and I am so e x c i t e for the next part to start. You da best 😆

Anonymous said:This is what your writing does to people, this is literally the only time I've ever dislike Jungkook that much in a fic. I wanted the OC and Jungkook together, but now I really thing all 3 should go their separate ways. Jungkook's possessiveness is getting too much, it's too obsessive. I feel sorry for her, but at the same time her own fault as well. As for Jimin who knows he may not be as oblivious as we think ?! He is using the OC to get with Jungkook in the first place.

Anonymous said:Equilibrium OC should just pack her fckin' bags there is no happy way out of this one

Anonymous said:(1/3) Right before I read this I watched this British PSA music video about abusive relationships, where a pregnant woman was choked to death by her boyfriend as she was trying to leave him and I feel like these people who romanticize these types of relationships forgot that this actually happens IRL. This happens to real women and men and some of them don't make it out alive. And when they try to defend it by saying "it's just a story, it's not real" it's very real for some people.

Anonymous said:(2/3) And the fact that the OC is having trouble sleeping and feeling this anxiety. And the that Jungkook didn't fell any sympathy/empathy for Jimin while he was ill, it just doesn't sit well with me. And the OC isn't innocent either. So afraid to shatter what's left of the already crumbling illusion she's built up. The need to keep the fantasy of this relationship with Jimin that I'm not sure existed outside of her mind. I really do enjoy this story and how you portray the characters.

Anonymous said:(3/3) The isolated relationships between the three of them is very realistic. I've seen some of my close friends go through similar situations. And it's hard to get out once you're in.Anonymous said:I cant believe anyone in their right mind is sympathizing with Jungkook in Equilibrium?! The way he is with Y/N makes me so uncomfortable, esp with his “You’re all mine” crap and being so “in love” with her when all he wants is to have her under his control even tho he thinks it’s love. Jimin too, the way he’s down to have Y/N in the relationship since JK wants her but she wants Jimin.. also I’m glad ur fanfics exist since they can give some girls a perspective on what’s NOT okay and NOT love

Anonymous said:' And if I find out you let someone else touch what's mine... you'll regret it' - I kept on reading this over and over but each time it makes me cringe more, the fact that he constantly calls her 'mine' is so fucking off, like as a kookier Stan in rl , I felt really bad for jungkook but now I find it so hard, this relationship is taking a big twist that I did not see coming and it's getting abusive real quick.

Anonymous said:(Cont last) I stood firm in my decision. On the last day that we talked, he finally understood why. It was only then he realized his mistakes, only then did he cry & apologize for everything. He tried to convince me to give him a chance but the time for that has already passed. We are officially over. I loved the guy, you know? and deep down, I know there's good in there. But I can't risk my heart and soul anymore. I'm sorry this has gone out of topic, I just needed to get it off my chest.

Anonymous said:(Cont.) When he got mad at me for one minor thing, he will accuse me of cheating and call me demeaning words. Our relationship was always on his terms. I was always the one apologizing & making an effort to make him happy. I paid for all our dates. Just wow, I'm stupid. After a fight early Feb, I got tired of it all. I broke up with him and that process took 7 fucking days in which he tried to convince that my reasoning was wrong and that he was right. My gut feeling was telling me to leave.

Anonymous said:just finished reading ch 11... yikes. like YIKES. oh my, I'm honestly very worried and scared for the oc. reading it actually made me anxious and nervous lol. that relationship is a nightmare oh sweetie no, she needs to leave asap

Anonymous said:(Cont. Part 3) I felt caged. I always had to inform where I was, who I'm with, are there guys going to be at the event I'm going to. If there were guys, he didn't want me to go. I couldn't even get a regular update from him where he was and couldn't check on his phone. As I said, I was being stupid. I tolerated all of his bullshit. When you're in an abusive relationship, you won't realize it immediately. He'll come off sweet and only wanting to protect you and your relationship.

Anonymous said:(Cont. Part 2) to the red flags he showed early in the relationship. He didn't want to me talk to any guy who wasn't a family and asked me to delete all the guys in my Facebook account. Stupid me did so because I believed him when he said that "It's not because I don't trust you, it's because I don't trust the people around you." I stayed loyal to him but he was always paranoid that I was cheating on him. When we broke up, I learned he was talking to lots of girls that's why he was so paranoid.

Anonymous said:I got curious and read Equilibrium. All I can say is whoa! The anxiety and fear that I felt was so visceral; it made me fill ill. I've recently broken up with my ex, who was like that - subtly emotionally and mentally abusive. I am fairly young, naive, and inexperienced in relationships. I had a low self-esteem. Growing up I felt that I was unattractive and no one would like me. He was the first guy to really pursue me and I guess I was so hungry for love and affection that I turned a blind eye

Anonymous said:oc's anxiety is getting worst in equal... 😞 i hope she gets out soon. i agree, SEND IN MAMA JIN! lol kook is getting crazier each chapter i'm getting scared for her well being 😟☹️😦. SHES WORTH MORE THAN THIS CRAZINESS!! 💔 side note, thank you for sticking to it, i know it's not easy. and thank you for updating. i always look forward to your work ❤

withlove-sydney said:Tbh I was worried that this story was gonna take a disturbing turn after jk revealed that he was purposely trying to keep jimin away in chpt 10 and this chapter just confirmed how toxic he is. I agree with that other person tho I'm glad that you're the one writing this because I trust that you won't try to romanticize this at all. My ex was really possessive like jk and its not cute or sexy at all. I ended up so scared of him and when I see similar things in fics it gives me chills...

btsninetyfiveline said:I just want to say thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for the relationship you're portraying in Equilibrium! It's soooooooo important to have stories that show abuse and possessiveness in an unhealthy light! I'm so tired of these "you looked at another guy for 5 seconds in the club so now I'm gonna take you home and show you who you 'belong' to" narratives. It's so important to address and educate young girls on signs of an emotionally manipulative relationship! 💕

Anonymous said:Hi Lu :) how are you? I love how you put out your stories unexpectedly, its always a pleasant surprise. Chapter 11 is so well-written (like all your work ofc).You set up the suffocating atmosphere perfectly with images and metaphors, like Oc's suffer is so real. I am really concerned about oc's mental health... in this chapter we see that she isn't in a good place and I am scared of what is yet to come. Thank you for your hard work. xo

Anonymous said:After reading chap 11, i feel so bad for the oc. Even reading about jk's possessiveness/threats makes me feel suffocated ;-; Though I'm excited for what's going to happen after he leaves for his trip hmm.... once again thank you for the update, Lu! :-) I'm really loving the pace of the story so far.

anonymouspseudonymous said:There's this anon that said "this ain't your ordinary fic where they all compromise and be happy" and i cannot agree more. Although, even if I get it that people hate JK for being cray, you have to punch Jimin as well hahaha idk man this is fucked

Anonymous said:I'm reading ch11 of equilibrium and the part where she wants to touch jimins face but jungkook has a tight grip on her wrist restricting her from doing so is so symbolic of their relationship and how she wants jimin so badly but jungkook is holding her back from him almost keeping her hostage in a way. Anyways I really enjoyed this part it gave me goosebumps so thank you for sharing your work with us even though you don't have to! You owe us nothing so I appreciate everything you give us💓💞💖💕

Anonymous said:I'm glad you don't tolerate the bullshit that jungkook isnt as bad as the protagnonist. People need to hear that that shit is toxic and manipulative. People are brainwashed into thinking it's romantic and okay. When it's absolutely not. No the protagonist isn't free of fault but she isn't being obsessively creepy.

Anonymous said:I think people tend to gloss over the fact that it IS an obsession (unhealthy and actually rather terrifying) and not actual "love" because they like the idea of someone doing anything to stay with them. But even in wanting to stay with someone, there have to be limits. You shouldn't end up losing yourself to someone if they want you as a person, not as just an object or a way to get what they want. There is a line between devotion and obsession, and people seem to ignore that all too often.

#equilibrium #beautiful ppl #jungkookfortunekookies #lu answers

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searchlightsandhindsight · 7 years

Text

Stream of Consciousness (April 7th 2017)

I don’t really know where I’ve been lately. The last two weeks have been a frustrating and tiring cocktail of depressive, anxious and dissociative episodes, just one after another, and it’s drained every last bit of motivation out of me. On Wednesday I broke down because I couldn’t bear the thought of going to work and doing the story time and reading group meet up that was planned for that day. I called in sick, cried for 45 minutes, and then used the rest of the day to distract myself by doing digital art and playing Pokémon.

When I told my therapist about this and how I often tune out like that and end up having okay days even when I call in sick (and how guilty it makes me feel), she referred to it as a coping mechanism (or even a survival tactic). Which I understand that it is. But I still can’t shake guilt and the feeling that I’m just being a huge fucking baby who can’t cope with things that other people seem to have no problem with at all, that I’m screwing things up for no reason and leaving people with an awful impression of me, that they’ll look down on me for it.

I’ve been subject to that kind of thinking a lot lately, and I think I’m even starting to believe it, which is somewhat unusual for me (at least to do it to this degree). I find myself having really negative thought spirals, and usually there is a part of me that is rational and calm enough to try and prove that voice wrong -- but lately it’s been eerily quiet. I feel like that part of me, what I’ve always consider the “actual” me, is just sitting in a corner of my mind watching all of this unfold. And that’s really scary.

I stayed home yesterday as well as today, even though I probably could have gone to work today. At this point, it’s beyond being able to or not, and more about the fact that I simply don’t care to even try. I care in the sense that I’m scared people at work think I’m fucking things up, or that I’m creating more work for myself once I do go back, or that I won’t make enough money this month to even keep myself alive, but... there’s a part of me, that’s slowly expanding, that really just doesn’t care. Work doesn’t feel meaningful to me anymore, and even my coworkers, who have been a huge part of why I love it there, aren’t enough to motivate me to even get out of bed. I see no point in even going there. The only time I feel really alive is when I’m at home, and in control of my surroundings, and doing things that at least let me think about something else for a while. And I want to stay here, isolated with my distractions, until it all goes away. If I got fired, I honestly think I’d feel relieved.

I think constantly about resigning, or finding some way to at least change the nature of my life a little to where I have a little more freedom. I wanted to go back to school this fall, but the solution I thought I’d found might not even be possible due to the nature of my employment. For the same reason, I’d likely not be able to resign even if I ended up wanting to do that. So basically what that means is that I’d be stuck in this situation that absolutely is not working for me in any way until January of next year. And that thought makes me want to give up and die altogether, because the thought of having to endure what I’m going through now for that long? What the hell is even the point? Like, I don’t want to go off the deep end and fuck up my entire life, but at the same time I just really don’t care because I have absolutely nothing going for me at this point.

And that’s a dangerous mindset. I understand that.

I don’t know. I’m starting to feel ashamed for how badly I’m dealing with everything right now. It doesn’t matter how many times I’m told by my therapist that these are valid reactions to the traumas and stressors I’ve experienced and the situation I’m in, because the rest of the world really doesn’t know about those. I feel like I have no support system -- which is ironic, because after my initial collapse, I felt like I was surrounded by loving and caring people. But I guess after a while, people get tired. Even my mom doesn’t ask me how I’m doing anymore. No one cares. No one cares -- that’s what it feels like. And again, I’m sat here asking myself, what is even the point in trying then? If I can’t motivate myself and I can’t even find motivation in being better for other people, then what’s the point?

Even so. In the moments where I’m lucid and clearheaded enough to fully experience it, I hate that feeling of embarrassment, and I know I can’t keep going like this, especially if I’m gonna be stuck in one place for the remainder of the year. I need something -- a system, or something. I don’t know how, but unless I’m willing to let myself spiral completely out of control (which obviously I don’t want to), I’m gonna have to find ways to make it work. I just don’t know how to do that. I don’t even know how I’m gonna bring myself to go back to work next week. Even the thought of work is crippling to me now, because it triggers so much anxiety. I feel like I’m letting everyone down, including myself, but at the same time every fiber in my body is saying: ‘No, I can’t, please don’t put me through that again.’.

I wish I could talk to my doctor, but my follow up isn’t for another few weeks. He seemed to think that a full time sick leave wouldn’t be ideal for me, as that can often increase anxiety rather than ease it, but honestly, that’s one very valid option I’m seeing for myself right now. Not for an extended amount of time, but just enough to give myself the chance to find routines and coping mechanisms that allow me to function better in everyday life, outside of my apartment.

Either that, or if my boss helped me switch around work tasks so that I do exclusively desk work from now on. Which is highly unlikely, seeing as I’m heading a project (which is why I’m stuck till the end of the year) and we’re super short on people right now. Everyone is stressed, everyone has too much to do, and I got the impression last time we talked that he doesn’t even want to consider it. But if the alternative is to cancel on every other thing, because I’m incapable of even coming to work (which has been the case lately), then that’s gonna be really damaging to us. So hopefully he can see things from that perspective, and work something out. In the best of worlds. But truth be told, I don’t really trust him to get anything right anymore. He’s the main part of the reason why I’m going through this now. I told him full time wouldn’t work, and he refused to compromise, and now we’re all paying for it.

What else? I haven’t really been thinking much about gender identity stuff since I came out to my doctor -- in fact I’ve been kind of actively avoiding that topic lately. It’s hard to say how much of what I’m going through right now has to do with anxiety about that stuff, but it’s probably a lot. It’s hard to pinpoint how I feel about it all right now and I feel like I don’t really want to go too deep into it for fear of making everything even worse than it already is. At the same time, it’s probably not healthy to tune it all out. But I might be meeting with T, my only IRL friend who I know is trans and who I recently came out to, and I hope that talking with him and getting reacquainted will help me better deal with that part of me.

There’s probably more, a lot more, that’s adding to how much I’m currently struggling, but it’s hard to put it all into words. But I think it’s good to try and dump things out like this, because it at least helps me keep track of what I’m struggling with. It hasn’t really solved anything, but then again it’s gonna take time to figure this mess out, and you gotta start somewhere. I just... am tired of dealing with things on my own -- to the point where I’m not even really trying to anymore. And I hope I can convey that to my doctor and get some real help -- whatever that means. Because I honestly don’t know where I’m headed if I don’t.

#personal

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