#I mask because my mental illnesses are fucking heavy and asking me if I’m okay is a direct attack on my psyche

[nocturnalxsaturn]

Masking every day of my god damned life. You’ll tell me to take a load off.

You won’t want me to.

#I mask to keep my thoughts to myself #I mask because I will only ever allow myself to implode- I will never lash out at another human being #I’ll never understand anyone who has even mini outbursts- I couldn’t. I’d start a fight #I mask because I would otherwise be admitted- which doesn’t seem like too bad a thing these days #I mask because my mental illnesses are fucking heavy and asking me if I’m okay is a direct attack on my psyche #I’m Going. Insane. #I can’t even speak about why. #she speaks #mine #personal #schizospec

[imaginesbymk]

“Find Me Under The Giant Rabbit.”

Reservoir Dogs/Pulp Fiction One Shot

SUMMARY: I read a Reddit fan theory that Mr. Pink survived, escaped the cops, got arrested and was then put on parole - leaving behind his old life and lying low as a waiter at Jack Rabbit Slims. What happens when you show up to the restaurant one night?

PAIRING: Mr. Pink/Buddy Holly waiter x Reader

TAGS: swearing, smoking + mentions of basically everything that happened in reservoir dogs which is the heist, violence, etc

NON REQUESTED

WORD COUNT: 2,870 (it’s long i’m sorry)

AUTHOR’S NOTE: this is probably the cheesiest thing i’ve ever written, and it’s nothing tarantino would ever put in his films, also there’s no way PF and RS can legitimately tie in together 100% even though there are some factors to support otherwise, but i wanted to write this and see something lol :( leave a like/reblog + feedback!!!

[gif credit]

YOU put your car in park, shutting off the engine, and observed it from afar. It was one hell of a big restaurant, almost a bit too cartoon-like. There was a giant anthropomorphic rabbit on top, and the lights claiming the name were glowing a bright red and yellow. Mind you, this was in Los Angeles, so who wouldn’t blame you if you took one look at Jack Rabbit Slim’s, and mistake it for a restaurant at Six Flags? 

Dozens of bikers came in with their motorcycles, yet their engines couldn’t even overpower the chatter coming from newcomers left and right. You ignored a heavy tattooed biker dressed in all leather and denim catcalling you from afar, and you reached the front desk. 

A man dressed in uniform, most definitely in character, tipped his hat at you and led you to a table with only two chairs. You weren’t expecting anyone to join you in the other seat across. So what if you went for dinner by yourself? You didn’t bother asking anyone to join you for that matter. Not anyone you could think of at the top of your head would be any less boring.

You began tracing your fingers around the rim of the ketchup bottle when not even five seconds after sitting down, a lady approached your table with ruby red lips. 

Of course, you thought. Servers were dressed up as icons from the 50s era.

“Marilyn,” you say in awe.

“Close enough,” Instead of being seated in the Marilyn Monroe section being served by a Marilyn Monroe-looking Marilyn Monroe, you were greeted with a tall Mamie Van Doren, who is just as breathtaking as Marilyn refilling everyone’s coffee mugs from the other side of the restaurant. “How about I get you started with drinks?”

Ricky Nelson’s performance on stage came to an end when Mamie arrived with your food. You looked around the place while eating. People weren’t eating by themselves. Families, friends, dates, all of them occupied their seats. Now that you’ve noticed, you sort of wished you brought someone with you, otherwise the seat across from you is used as a footrest. 

So there, you propped your feet on top, and relaxed… then you sat upright. Your eyes fixated on the waiter in his section, which were the cars back in the 50s used as booths. You watch him walk towards one of them. The couple was a young woman in a blunt bob cut with bangs, and a man wearing a black suit with long black hair tied back.

You squint your eyes. It couldn’t be...

“Hi, I’m Buddy. What can I get ya?”

You blinked, dropping the half bitten French fry from your mouth. Holy fucking shit.

It was all coming back to you. The news broke out about the heist going wrong at the wholesale, all dead except for one, a cop who laid dead on the ramp inside the rendezvous was identified as Mr. Orange. Since he wasn’t supposed to know where you were from, Mr. Pink never turned up to your door as an emergency hideout, or to drag you with him on his getaway because he never had one. You never heard of him ever since. 

Here he was, Mr. Pink, alive and well, wearing glasses. What the hell happened? How long has he been working here? Is he supposed to be Buddy Holly?

“How do you want that cooked? Burnt to a crisp or bloody as hell?” you hear him ask the man in the suit who ordered a steak.

“Bloody as hell, and oh, yeah, look at this- vanilla coke.”

You noticed the irony. He left you in a black suit - and he comes back in white. Like he’d ever want to be caught dead in white, or pink.

“What about you, Peggy Sue?” he asks the woman, jotting in his notepad. You recognized the pun.

“I’ll have the Durwood Kirby burger, bloody. And… the five dollar shake.”

Were you about to laugh? Call out his name? That was enough for you to get antsy in your seat, but you didn’t want to draw attention. You saw him again while finishing up half of your meal, giving the couple their drinks and disappearing back into the kitchen. He was doing his job, but it wasn’t like he was giving his one hundred percent. For someone who preached to the Gods about professionalism, Mr. Pink sure lacked work ethic. Every employee was on point with their character impersonations as if you had travelled back in time. Meanwhile, he acted like himself and seemed bored while wearing an emotionless face, as if he hated his job and epitome of his existence. It was never a dull moment for him whenever he was with you, though.

You got up to use the restroom.

“We’re lucky we got anything at all. I don’t think Buddy Holly’s much of a waiter,” you heard the man at the booth tell the woman as you walk past them, spotting their food from the corner of your eye. It’s no surprise hearing that. Mr. Pink never looked like the type to work at a job like this.

You sat back down and soon, Mr. Pink reappeared, standing over to the side and watched the announcement of the twisting contest, smoking a cigarette. You see him eyeing two pretty blonde women walking past him, and he looked back his way, now in your direction.

He finally did what you wanted him to do, and he stares at you for nearly a solid minute.

You waved awkwardly. 

Mr. Pink tosses the cigarette in a random person’s ashtray and disappears behind the door once again. You darted out of your chair, and marched your way to where he headed, just as the couple he served got up on stage to participate in the twisting contest.

A Zorro waiter jumps in front of you. “Stop right there, mi amor!” his eyes darted at you through the cheap black mask he was wearing. “I believe the bathroom’s on the other side of the bar.”

“Where’s Buddy?” you ask Zorro.

“I’m afraid Mr. Holly is taking a quick break from unenthusiastically serving love birds in their cars.”

“Can you tell him I’m looking for him?”

“Once I see him.” Zorro then took out his sword and pointed it at you, a grin plastered on his face. “Now, shall I escort you back to your dining spot?”

Although you were aware this guy was only in character, you didn’t wanna risk getting kicked out, or having a realistic looking sword ripped through your body. You sighed and turned around, heading back. You noticed at your table a folded napkin beside your empty plate. Mamie Van Doren was last seen there, her back facing you with her heels clicking away on the tiles.

“Excuse me!” you called after the waitress. She ignores you, smiling down at new customers at an umbrella table.

Cocking an eyebrow, you used your finger to flatten the crease and read the note in bold handwriting.

FIND ME UNDER THE GIANT RABBIT. - BUDDY 

You threw the door open and ran outside, precisely under the giant rabbit of the Jack Rabbit Slim’s sign, just like he said on the napkin. You felt like an idiot checking every direction to find no one. Not a lot of the bikers were seen riding or hanging out around the parking lot, some people were coming and going, but you couldn’t find Buddy Holly.

Defeated, you turn to walk back inside. 

Mr. Pink rushed out the door and caught his breath. It looked like he was chasing you down before you could take off. A song used for the twisting contest kept playing from inside.

You didn’t run up to him and jumped in his arms or anything dramatic in that matter. You both stared at each other.

A few days before the heist you two stood across each other waiting for Mr. Brown and Mr. White inside the hideout. It was a quiet moment, not an awkward one. He just took that opportunity to study you, as you did him. It took him that moment to realize he was warming up to you. 

“Well hello there, Buddy,” you smile smugly.

YOU and Pink loitered at the side of the eatery, where the back door to the kitchen was located. He had taken off his fake glasses, showing his full frame.

“Okay,” you watch him lean against the wall, lighting his cigarette. “Talk to me. What happened to you?”

“What the hell do you think? Cops tagged me when I tried driving away. I was put behind bars, and by some fucking miracle this place took me in when I needed money.”

“You didn’t know any other crime bosses looking for a lanky dude?” Pink rolls his eyes at your joke. “I know the heist went terribly wrong, I saw the news. Everyone’s dead as Dillinger.”

“That briefcase had a shit load of two million dollars worth of stones,” Pink blew smoke out. “I swear, if that asshole undercover cop was never sent to set us up, I could have been enjoying a cocktail in Santorini. You’re lucky you called in sick that day.”

You shuddered, remembering how god-awful the illness was. “Never again. I felt like I was being hot glued to a sauna.”

You remembered the day of the heist. In fact, you mentally prepared yourself for something that you’ve never done before. You braced for what was supposed to go smoothly as Joe promised. Instead, you were woken up by the worst case scenario above 38 degrees. You were thankful Joe took it easy on you and promised another job next time. 

“All right, your turn. What did you do after that shit show went down?” Pink asks you.

“Just did my own thing. I wasn’t there so the cops never searched for me.” Pink took a slow drag, staring at nothing. He didn’t really look the same as before. Still lanky, except his hair was a bit more darkened and styled in curls, possibly because Buddy Holly had it permed that way. But his face read that he had been through a lot. Normally you felt zero pity for assholes like him, but you managed to blurt out, “I missed you.”

Pink, blowing out smoke in the air, eyed you up and down and furrowed his brows. “Likewise.”

Not only did it suck not being able to make money, you also couldn’t do it with Mr. Pink. As much as he kept his professionalism to a T, he squeezed in time to get along with you. It was no wonder Joe hired you - you were different than the guys, you moved differently and never felt small. Mr. Pink was drawn to that. 

Maybe that was just an understatement. He grew intimidated by something he expected to experience the least from in the job, and of course, straight out of a fairytale, you had to stop and ask yourself if you felt the same way, and if what you felt was right. Neither of you had any idea. It was against the rules to give out personal information to each other, and Mr. Pink took those rules very seriously, even if it was just one job that he most likely wouldn’t come back to unless a higher pay was involved and Joe Cabot liked him enough to recruit him again. 

If Mr. Pink grew too attached, if he let his guard down for one second, God forbid something would have happened to you. Without a doubt, he would have heavily blamed himself and walked away from the job without saying another word. 

His options were to wait until after the robbery to make a move, or do his job, get paid and leave. Whether or not it was out of selfishness was out of the question. Mr. Pink is already selfish in an intuitive kind of way, he’d rather avoid spiraling into a wave of emotions for one person - so he chose the latter.

“What?” Pink looked at you, feeling a bit tense. “Why are you staring at me like that?”

“Huh? No. It’s nothing,” you blinked, realizing you were staring at him longer than you should have. You shook your head, most likely shaking off the intrusive thoughts. Maybe this wasn’t a good time to tell him what’s on your mind. 

If anything, he’s most likely sleeping with the Marilyn Monroe waitress. “It’s just… you shaved the goatee.”

Pink nodded, looking a bit annoyed that there was no facial hair left on his chin to rub. “Buddy Holly had a clean face. For the record, the only advantage of this job is that I’m under disguise. Other than that, this place is a circus. I’m zooming back in time whenever I clock in.”

“It’s a 50s themed restaurant,” you state. “Working here sounds like fun. At least you get to dress up and experience pop culture.”

He scoffs. “No, fuck the 50s. Shit was all I Love Lucy and those puffy ass dresses.”

“They’re called poodle skirts, Pink.”

“Like I give a fuck what they’re called.”

“You know Buddy Holly smiled. He was a singer and a guitarist. If you keep up the attitude, no one’s gonna tip you. Nice Guy Eddie told me about your rant on tipping.”

“Ha! And? You will never find me up on that stage performing That’ll Be The Day, moving like a fucking animatronic.” Halfway finished, Pink tossed his cigarette aside and looked at you. “You’re a sight for sore eyes.”

You felt your cheeks flushing. Fuck. “I am?”

He nodded, putting his Buddy Holly glasses back on his face. “Yeah. It’s a breath of fresh air seeing you here.” He stares down at his wristwatch for a moment.

“Your break’s done?”

“It’s been done,” he says. “Fifteen minutes ago.”

You shook your head, chuckling. “You’re so fired.”

“This isn’t the first time I stopped caring, so my boss isn’t gonna bat an eye.” He had his hand wrapped around the back door which was supported by a wooden block to keep it open. “Look, I’ll see ya arou-”

“Pink?” Your heart rose up to your throat.

He turned back to you. “Hm?” 

You just had to do it. You reached up and kissed him softly. Pink didn’t shove or curse at you. His features softened, pulling you close to him and kissed you deeply. Even when you two pulled away, his arms didn’t unwrap from your waist. His forehead was pressed against yours now.

“My name’s Y/N,” you tell him.

He stares at you, no snarky, sarcastic comment left for him to give.

“I know you’re not willing to give your name up just yet, you can’t fully trust me, and I get that, but I won’t tell anyone what happened. You got lucky, I think… but I’m really glad you’re okay.”

“You don’t have to-”

“I’m serious.”

“Y/N,” he says your name for the first time. “You don’t have to go all sappy for me. Karma came in hot. Jesus Christ, I mean, I left you.”

“Not really. You didn’t know me. The cops had the place staked out the entire day, there was nothing you could do.”

He looked down at his shoes. “All right. But still, I feel shitty. Can I at least make it up to you?”

“How?”

Pink shrugs. “I get paid tomorrow.”

“Good for you,” you reply. “Save it like you’re gonna lose it.”

“I’ve had this job for a while now, I got enough to last. But once I win the lottery, I’m gone.”

“To Santorini?”

“With a cocktail in my hand. But that’s besides the point, right now I got enough to take you out on a date… if you’re down.”

“Where would you plan on taking me? Here?” you laugh.

“You’re funny. How about the movies? Overruled, I’m taking you to see a movie. I gotta know where you live first. It’s okay to know now.”

You nodded, you couldn't argue with that. Besides, you two would just be making out in the dark the entire time.

His hand was back on the handle of the back door. Pink pulled it open, looked back at you and smiled for the first time tonight. That warmed your heart, and you were certain it warmed his. He watched you stuff something inside his pocket square as you told him your address. He went back inside, shutting the door on you. You walked back to the front of the restaurant to pay for the bill, and went straight home. 

Mr. Pink shuffles past the chefs in the kitchen, feeling through his suit pocket to pull out his notepad and whatever you stuffed inside just moments ago.

I didn’t even serve them. Is this supposed to be for Mamie Van Doren? He stares down at the dollar bill crumpled in his hand. His frown suddenly transitions to a small but genuine smile. 

Fuck it. Nothing could stop him now. He definitely owes you a date night. He quickly stuffs the tip back in his pocket square, and comes out the sliding door. 

THE END

—

TAGLIST: @locke-writes​ @aryn-the-bearheart​

#reservoir dogs x reader #reservoir dogs fic #reservoir dogs fanfic #mr pink x reader #mr pink #reservoir dogs imagine #reservoir dogs #mr pink one shot #reader insert #reservoir dogs one shot #one shot #imagine #mk's faves

[justoneday-namjoonii]

forgive me

anon request: “I really love the way you write angsty stuff so if u want, can u write a scene where jungkook is like involved in illegal stuff like drugs or maybe he's a hitman, Y/N and Jungkook have a conflict about that because she's not happy with what he does, he gets hurt a lot but he enjoys his job and doesn't wanna give it up cuz he loves the thrill. It can be an emotional scene where Y/N tells him that she's afraid of losing him because of what he does. Honestly come up with anything, I don't mind 😂”

prompt: Jungkook is a druglord, you’re a waitress at a shabby burger place. He loves what he does and even though you try to ignore it, it scares you. You fear you’ll lose him if he doesn’t quit and he’s all you have. Your so called family are full of lies and if it wasn’t for Jungkook, you don’t know where you’d be. You wonder every night if the sirens you hear are for him—you pray it’s not for him. Secretly, he feels the same about you.

pairing: Jungkook x reader

genre: angst, drabble, mental health issues, mentions of murder, mature subject matter

author’s note: For the anon who requested this, this is for you! I hope you enjoy~ did i watch Truth be Told and decide to make the OC a twin? yes, yes i did

When you opened your eyes, you started to feel around for your cellphone. When you couldn't feel for it, you rolled over and yawned, it's probably under the bed. That's where its gonna stay too. As soon as you got home from work, you fell face-first into your bed and taking a shower was the last thing on your mind. But now you're feeling the stale department store smell on your clothes. It takes about two minutes for you to roll out of bed and realize you that Jungkook should have been here by now. You grab your phone and see two missed calls and a text from 2 hours ago.

jungkook💖💫: im sorry ill be over a little later baby, something came up 

jungkook💖💫: i miss you angel

You smile, he always misses you. And you miss him too, but you know he's probably out there in the slums of the city, doing what he does. How you lucked out with him, you have no idea. One night you were trying to call an Uber to get home from a birthday party at the club. It was around midnight and you had to work so you couldn't hang with the hardcore crowd. You went outside to call for a ride but you were being watched. Some guy kept catcalling, just outright harassing you. It was the scariest night of your life. You were telling him to leave you alone but he was drunk or high, either way, he wasn't all there. He snatched your phone. Just when you thought he was going to grab you, a black sports car, one you would have had to work two lifetimes to afford, stopped at the light. And before you know it, the man trying to get you is being dragged into the alley where he probably would have taken you. You remember being frozen, all you could hear was cursing and blunt force. The mystery man, whose car is still in the middle of the road, emerges from the dark corner between the buildings.

You were completely taken. The smile, the hair, the tattoos, and dangling earrings, paired with a striking gaze—he was an angel. He was so beautiful and he was just looking at you stand there with your mouth open.

"If there's one thing I hate, oh here you go," He hands you your phone and you get a nice look at his hand tattoo, "it's motherfuckers who can't leave women the fuck alone. Sorry you had to deal with that, but he won't be bothering you or anyone else after tonight, or use his hands again," He sighs, fixing his clothes a bit and wiping the blood from the corner of his lip, "are you okay?"

"Yeah, thank you," You slip the phone in your bomber jacket pockets, "not a lot of people would stop a stupid guy from bothering a girl they don't even know."

"Yeah, I'm Jungkook by the way," He introduces himself with a smile, situating his nice clothes, "do you- Um, did you need a ride? I'm not a creep I swear," He holds his hands up in surrender when you furrow your brows at the suggesting—great, now she thinks I'm a pervert. 

"I didn't stop that guy as blackmail to get laid, I just-" He pauses to grapple for the right words, "I saw you just standing on the curb and I know it's not safe out here-"

"If it's not any trouble," You interrupt his rambling, "I live about 15 minutes away, I was gonna call a ride but if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it. My name is Y/n, by the way."

That night changed your life forever. It was the first time you had wanted to kiss a stranger, the first night you ever came close to a soulmate. He confesses to having seen you in the club, he was at the bar, refusing offers from every girl from the bartenders to cougars out on the town, at least that's what you always thought. In that little fifteen minutes, you got to know very little about him but you felt so comfortable sharing things about yourself when he asked. He dropped you off and said if you ever needed anything, to give him a call. 

You never got to use the number because you ended up seeing him again. He showed up to your job, but he wasn't there for you, he was there for one of your money laundering and pill-popping associates. You were taking a break and for some reason, the break room was eerily empty. After you heard gunshots and the whole store went into chaos. You remember trying to leave and suddenly being swept away and into an outside electrical room apart of the building. You calmed down enough to realize that it was him but you were baffled.

"What're the odds that you would work at the same place as that bastard," He fiddles with the gun, tucking it to his side and flipping on the safety and pulling off his mask with a toothy grin, "do you remember me?"

"You?... Jungkook, how did you- Why are you-..." You make a small step back and swallow, scrambling to think of something to say. "Have you been following me like some creep?!"

"No! this is just a run-in by fate, I swear I didn't plan it. I'm not even supposed to still be here but I couldn't just leave, not without saying something to you."

"Okay...What do you want to say? I have to get back on the clock." You look him up and down, his all-black clothes and heavy boots intimidating but alluring in many ways.

"Wanna grab a coffee?"

For some reason, you said yes to the familiar stranger.

"Sure- I mean no! No, I can't Jungkook, I have to get back to work-"

"Trust me, just come with me," He extends his hand for you to take and smiles, "you won't regret it."

You took his hand and never looked back.

* * *

Nights like this.

When it's too early to ruin his life and too late to pretend like he wouldn't care. So when he shows up to the lounge to enforce an unpaid debt from a client, he leaves with bruised knuckles, two grand, and a rush of adrenaline. He went a little hard on the guy, but can you blame him? He messed up his plans. Tonight is date night, also known as 'crash at your place' night. It worked out though, you had to work late so he wouldn't be too tardy. Judging by the fact that you haven't answered your phone, you must be knocked out.

He slips his hand into his pocket and fumbles with his keys until he finds the one to your apartment. When he walks inside he hears the sink on and smiles to himself, you must've just woken up. 

"Baby, it's me," He announces himself, "how was your day?"

"Fine," You step out in your work clothes, still trying to get your earrings out, "as fine as a day working for the devil could be." 

"That bad?" You take note of the silk black shirt that's rolled up to his elbows, letting you see his beautiful sleeve of tattoos. When he comes dressed like this, and smelling like smoke you know he's been out into high-end clubs. The way some of the women look at him makes you feel small and a little self-conscious. But he always reassures you that you're who he wants, not some woman who sees him as an experimental one-night stand. When he tells you to meet him in the restroom because he needs to tell you something, you're reminded that you're all he wants.

"She screwed the schedule. My only day off was taken because her favorite, Kasey, has to go out of town."

He unbuttons the buttons on his shirt with deliberate fingers. "You walked out on a job for me before, remember that?" He smiles, letting his shirt fall from his shoulders like a dream. A bruise on his upper arm catches your attention but you don't say anything. "If you're not happy, just leave. I can take care of you, you can be my sugar baby."

"Yeah, my step-mom would love that, I could see it now," You cringe at the thought, "Hey, just a heads up, I'm not working or married but I have a sugar daddy who pays all my bills and lets me use his money for free, oh, he's also a drug lord. She'd really think highly of me then." 

"Fuck Carol, she's a judgmental priss anyway," He comes up to you, hands finding your waist, "why do you care what she thinks about you?" 

"I don't care what she thinks, but if she finds out she'll tell my dad and I don't want to hear it from him. If he pretends to not be disappointed by the lesser-twin one more time, I'll actually cuss him out...He's such a liar, he lied to my mom and he lies to me.”

"Quit saying that," Jungkook grabs you under your thighs, wrapping your legs around his waist so he can sit on the edge of your bed, "you're not the lesser-twin, you're the cute and sexy twin." You sit back on his thighs and you both laugh at his attempt to lighten your mood.

"Well, I'm not a successful surgeon and I'm broke as hell, but at least my boyfriend thinks I'm cute." His hands find their way to the hem of your shirt and pull it over your head, revealing a disappointing tank top.

"See, this is disappointing. Why are you wearing a tank top? It's a hundred degrees outside." He sighs, looking up at you like a pouting little kid.

"Because I want to," You grin, brushing his hair from his brows, revealing a scratch, "you're cut."

"Yeah, had a run-in with an old friend, we're obviously not friends anymore."

"You should take me with you on these deals and stuff, I'd make a great bodyguard for you," You joke, "if you showed me how to use a gun."

"You?" He giggles at the image of you secretly acting as a bodyguard, a dagger, and a gun in a garter under a skintight dress. "That's not a bad idea, they'd be too distracted looking at how fucking beautiful you are to see you as a threat."

"Yeah, I always saw as the Bonnie & Clyde type of couple," He leans up to kiss you and you smile through it before he pulls away, "eh, you need to shower, you smell like weed."

He furrows his brows, a snarky smile on his mouth. "And you smell like French fries, but I still kissed you.”

"Touche." You can't argue with that, the French fries smell gets to you too.

He picks you up, carrying you to the bathroom with a beaming smile.

"Let's shower then."

 * * *

A deal went bad, he got grazed by a bullet and spent a few hours at the emergency room.

When he pulled in to the driveway and saw your car, he sighed in relief—he was hoping you'd come. After work, you had come by earlier to clear your head and take a breather from your cramped apartment and rowdy neighbors. Ever since his 'new position' he was put up in this huge mansion, equipped with a full staff. Luckily, they were off tonight so no need to keep quiet.

It's getting late and you've been trying to watch a baking show to stay awake but it was getting difficult. He hadn't called or answered any of your calls or texts. When you hear the garage door open, your heavy lids lift and you yawn, trying to wake up so you can tell him how your day has been.

He opens the door with a deep sigh and he's glad you can't see the thick white bandage on his upper arm and tired shadows under his eyes because of the dim lights. "Jungkook, it's so late..." You mumble, sitting up. "what took you so long?"

"Yeah, baby, I just had a mix up with someone who owed the group a lot of money, they, uh- They opened fire and we had a lot to clean up." He offhandedly mentions that and goes to the bathroom to change and you just wait for him.

The painkiller is wearing off but he manages to brush his teeth and slip into some sweats and a t-shirt. After flicking the light switch off, he falls into bed with a heavy exhale. Glad to finally have him close so you can tell him about your terrible day, you turn to hug him, and instantly a wince of pain leaves his mouth. 

"Sorry," You giggled, thinking he was just kidding until you see the bandage on his arm, "Oh my gosh," You sit up, hand reaching for his bandage with concern in your brows, "what happened?"

"It's nothing baby, I was grazed by a bullet and had to go to the ER," He spares you a weak grin, hand rustling through his damp locks, "but it's nothing, I feel fine."

It's always nothing to him. You lean down and place a gentle kiss on his forehead, one he would normally place on you. Nights go by and you know he's out there risking his life, not thinking how devastated you would be if one night he doesn't come back.  

He caresses the apple of your cheek, lips parting when sits up to try to kiss you, but you pull away.

"Hey, I've had a long day I just want to kiss you," He sits up now, "talk to me." 

"Talk to yourself, I'm going to sleep."

"Where the fuck is this coming from?" He glares at you, tone firmer than before. "Y/n, cut the crap. What's the problem?"

"Jungkook, there's no problem I just worry about you."

"I don't mean to make you worry," He speaks softly, "but you know this is what I do, I can't stop now, even if I wanted to."

"I know," Sadly, "but you're all I have."

He tilts his head, a bit confused. "What happened?"

"My sister called when I got off of work. My dad isn't doing well, his liver is in terrible condition and he needs a transplant...He's on a wait-list now." 

Knowing the severed relationship you have with your family, he treads lightly when requesting this. "Do you want to go see him?-"

"No!" You snap. "Why would I want to see him? This is what he gets for killing my mother."

"Y/n, you don't mean that..." Jungkook gets uncomfortable when you enter that head-space, you become ruthless in your words and your eyes glaze over with something he has yet to understand.

"Why not? It's true. He was cheating on her, that's why he never came home and she thought something was wrong. So drove out in the middle of the night during a storm and ended up crashing into a tree, because of him. My sister has always defended him, but I think it's because she didn't like mom either...The two of them may have cried at the funeral but I know them, they were glad she left us. That's why I need you, Jungkook, I don't have them or want them..."

"Y/n, you have to learn to forgive them for whatever you think they did, it's going to drive you insane if you don't...Fuck them, spend your energy on us, okay?"

"I'm already insane, I'm with you, aren't I? You come close to being killed every week, and it bothers me to think you might not come home...But I'll go through that if it means I get to have you, I love you, I only love you..." You lay your head on his shoulder.

He’s your angel.

You aren’t sure what you are to him.

#jungkook scenario #bts drabble #jungkook drabble #jungkook smut #jungkook angst #Bts angst #bts fluff #jungkook fluff #jungkook mafia #jungkook hitman #bts hitman au #jungkook fanfic #bts fanfic #this wasn't supposed to be a murder mystery but idk #i was getting unhinged vibes #like the oc #shes a little crazy

[that-good-trash]

I’m Not Okay- Chapter one Midoriya x Reader/Bakugou x Reader

Izuku Midoriya x reader/ Katsuki Bakugou x reader

Summary: You have struggled with mental health your whole life so why can’t you seem to get it under control. Will you be able to keep the same mask even though two of your classmates have seen under it?

Warnings: Depression, Angst, Anxiety.

Words Count: 3,786

Comment: This isn’t my first time writing fanfic but it is my first time posting it. I hope you enjoy.

Had breathing always been this hard? Were you always this tired? When did your legs start refusing to move you any further? You knew the answers to these questions. Of course, you knew since you’d been dealing with these issues for so long. Your chest has been tight for years, the kind of suffocating one endures under immense pressure or while drowning; metaphorically and figuratively. Breathing shouldn’t be considered a chore and yet to you it was one of the hardest things to do, an inconvenience.  The exhaustion of your face didn’t even begin to show exactly how tired you were, physically and mentally. Did anyone notice the way your shoulders were no longer squared, like you had no fight left even though you were always ready to face any challenge before. Before what? What exactly had changed so much for you to feel this way.

You had always dealt with depression. The mental illness had been a part of your life since you were little. When you had first started to attend counseling, they tried to tell you that maybe you were stressed from school, maybe your parents didn’t love you enough, maybe you lacked friendship and isolation was causing this. No matter what the counselors said it never seemed to add up to you. Your family life wasn’t horrible, your schooling wasn’t so hard, and you had plenty of friends and yet you still felt like you shouldn’t exist. Your family had nothing to do with this but you could reference a few experiences where they proved that you meant little to them. The same could be said for your schooling. Now that you attended UA you weren’t bothered as much but prior to graduating middle school you had received your fair share of bullying.

Currently your friendships seemed strong. Your fellow classmates always invited you to join them for activities outside of school and during school you never lacked someone to talk to or hang out with. Yet, despite how included you were, there was a large gap between you and the rest of the class. You didn’t realize but you had separated yourself from them over the span of the last few months. They noticed your isolation but all took it in different ways. Some of your friends decided that you must need space and graciously gave it to you. Others were worried but didn’t know how to approach you. There was a sliver of people in class that hadn’t even noticed a change in your behavior since they were focused on their own issues and lives.

At the moment your legs had stopped moving. Your chest was tightening and you knew that you needed to grab onto something to prevent an episode. An unsteady shaking hand reaches frantically for anything to grab ahold of. Your luck would be grabbing onto the arm of the most difficult angry person you’d ever met. A gasp escapes your lips as your hand is viciously removed from none other than Katsuki Bakugou himself. His crimson eyes burn daggers into your sad and fearful (e/c) ones.

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING TOUCHING ME, FUCKING EXTRA!”

His words have nothing but anger and hatred to them. The yelled question was laced with disgust as his eyes went from glaring to disgusted, Bakugou’s lip twitching into a snarl. Had this happened a few weeks ago you would have yelled back. You would have defended yourself because that’s the person you were. A girl who didn’t let the world treat her like shit since you did a good enough job doing that all on you own. That previous version of you is gone in this moment. You can’t fight back right now. A slight choked sob breaks the tense silence between the two of you as Bakugou waited for a response. He was expecting you to yell back, for you to defend yourself but instead he sees something he had never wanted to witness in his life. Your eyes were glossy from the tears that threatened to fall, the fabric of your shirt rose and fell frantically with your breathing. Shaking, your body was shaking and you had lost the ability to speak. However, you did not lose the ability to run despite your legs wanting to give up.

“Y/n.”

You didn’t stand around to see what he would say next. Your legs thrusted you forward pushing passed his shoulder and down the empty corridor. The two of you should have been in class right now but you were late. Bakugou stared at the spot you had just been occupying, his mind racing trying to figure out what the hell just happened. He hadn’t realized that his face had gone from angry to shocked. His eyebrows were knit together with concern instead of malice. Had he acted faster he would have reached out to stop you. Never had he ever witnessed you react like that to his threats. Not once had it seemed to bother you when he threatened or insulted you. You always had that same dumb smile on your face or even giggled at his shitty behavior.

“Tsk.”

Bakugou clicked his tongue before his hands dipped into his pockets. He wasn’t going to run after you. He may have decided to let you go but that didn’t mean he wasn’t worried which pissed him off.

As Bakugou left to class you had kept running. Taking the stairs down two at a time you hoped to get away faster but instead tripped and fell. The pain of hitting the concrete steps jolted through your legs. The tears that had fallen before seemed to double as you were now in physical pain as well as mental. After positioning yourself into a sitting position on one of the steps you realize you’ve scrapped up your knee. Blood was already trickling down your reddened leg. The scrape stung and it was painful to walk when you finally attempted to leave again. Your hands had to hold into the railing in order to prevent more pressure on your injured appendage.

“Y/N!”

You had been trying to leave the building when your name was shouted from behind you. Someone clearly out of breath from the heavy sighs that came after your name was yelled. You had almost expected Bakugou and were slightly disappointed when it wasn’t. Instead Midoriya stood in front of you. His hands on his knees, leaned forward catching his breath. When he looks up, he sees the blood and instantly rushes forward again. His hands gently brush your knee as he squats down. A light blush crosses your cheek since he is at eye level with your skirt and his fingers are gently brushing the sides of the wound without touching it directly.

“What happened?! Kacchan came into class late, he didn’t do this to you did he!?”

Midoriya was frantically speaking, his words coming out slightly muttered. You understood what he had said and would have answered his question but you had a question of your own that needed to be answered. You rub your eyes looking down at the forest haired boy.

“What are you doing out of class?”

You knew it wasn’t right to answer his question with a question but his presence didn’t make any sense to you. Midoriya blinks up at you before he stands back up. He reaches his hand forward to brush a few stray tears. Your eyes closed on instinct when something came that close to your face. The touch was so light that you were convinced he hadn’t even touched you at all. Your eyes crack open when he speaks.

“I was concerned about you so I asked Mr. Aizawa if I could try to find you. He allowed me to check if you were still in the building. I’m glad I found you, though I wish it was under better circumstance. Now, Y/n are you going to answer my questions.”

You nod looking down at your feet out of embarrassment. You hadn’t meant to break down in front of Bakugou and now you had to figure out a way to explain your sorry state to the class baby. The nicest person in your class wanted to know what was bothering you and part of you wanted to break down and tell him about how you felt. To tell him how you lacked air and how the world was beginning to get heavier and you felt stuck under it. There was so much you wanted to tell him, yet nothing came up. Instead you let silent tears roll down your cheeks. Before you could reach your own hand up to wipe the tears Midoriya’s fingers brush them away. You look at him and expect judgment even though you know that’s not the kind of person he is. His eyes hold endearment and concern. He thinks of you as a close friend and cares so much about how you feel. Currently he is trying to figure how you have this much sadness in your expression and how he hadn’t realized it before. The both of you are stuck in this silence staring into the others eyes.

“Katsu- Bakugou didn’t do anything to me. Well, he did but it was my fault. I spaced out for a moment and touched him without permission. He, um got mad and started yelling at me but I deserved it.”

You had moved your hand up to your opposite arm and started nervously rubbing it, a slight chuckle breaks free from your quickly drying lips. You don’t want to cause drama with any of your classmates especially with all that they already had on their plates and you with your own crumbling mental state. You finally focus your attention from the ground to Midoriya who is biting his thumb nail and muttering to himself. His expression is serious but also holds the slightest bit of, anger? You must be reading to into his furrowed brow and narrowed eyes. Midoriya was always the one to find good in everything and find a way to be on both sides of an opposing conflict.

“Midoriya.”

You tried to get his attention since standing here was starting to get uncomfortable and class would end eventually.

“Let me take you to recovery girls office. You skinned your knee pretty bad. I’ll leave you alone after that if you want me too.”

As much as you wanted to go back to your dorm and curl into yourself you knew Midoriya wouldn’t let this go and would keep pushing till you agreed. Though a slight part of you wasn’t opposed to having company other than the intrusive thoughts screaming in the background of your mind. You couldn’t trust yourself to speak again without breaking down with the newest wave of anxiety crashing down. Instead you slowly lifted your hand toward your classmate offering it to him. The relief and kindness that flashed across his eyes made your chest tighten. It was so opposite of how Bakugou reacted to your earlier but you were already aware of the differences in the two boys’ personalities and knew you couldn’t take Bakugou’s reaction to heart.

“Y/n… Please try to pay attention. I’d feel bad if you got hurt under my watch.” A slight chuckle escaped the green haired boy as he held your hand and lead you away from the exit. The doors leading to your freedom faded from site as the hero in training brought you back down the empty hallways. Your chest was tightening again and despite your cracking lips you felt like water was filling your lungs. Despite your quiet and closed off demeanor Midoriya continued to try and smile for you. He spoke when you couldn’t and his legs moving in front of you reminded you to move yours along. It was like a baby deer watching its mother before shaking legs stand up and it takes its leap of faith. Expect you weren’t a baby deer; you are a teenager wanting to be a hero and how were you going to do that when you couldn’t even save yourself from… yourself.

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

        The nurse’s office was quiet which is usually a good sign but right now it was agonizing silence. You sat on the edge of an empty bed while two pairs of eyes stared at you assessing, analyzing, waiting for you to say something. Your knee was no longer the subject, now it was the dark circles under your eyes and the way you avoided eye contact. You could feel judgement even if it wasn’t there. Recovery girl fixed physical wounds and internal damage but you weren’t bleeding anymore and the internal damage wouldn’t show up on an x-ray.

“L/n.” You looked up at the soft yet stern voice of Recovery Girl. “Are you having trouble sleeping? Are you eating properly and keeping yourself hydrated? Your eyes are sunken in which tells me you aren’t sleeping and are lacking the right amount of water. A hero in training needs to take care of their bodies. You should be getting at least 8 hours of sleep and drinking around 3 liters of water a day. If you can’t stomach eating right now, I can pull you out of physical training to prevent any harm to you.”

“NO!” You could lie about promising to get sleep and drink more water but you couldn’t get around a referral dismissing you from physical training. You already felt like you were falling behind the rest of your classmates. If you had to take a break now then you truly would be left alone with your thoughts and that would be even worse for your health than lacking proper nutrition and hydration.

“Please don’t worry about me. I’m just having a bad day. Everyone has bad days once in a while, right? I’ve been studying late so I haven’t been sleeping and I sometimes forget to drink water cause I’m a little ditzy.” You felt like you weren’t even lying but you were and it was so much easier than telling the truth even though the words you wanted to say were on your tongue waiting for their chance to slip out. Your lies were so believable that even yourself fell into their calming deceit. A smile appeared as you wet your lips with the cup of water you had been handed when you had first arrived. Your eye lashes tickled your checks when you blinked away any tears that might have wanted to join the party. A deep breath and you felt normal. Recovery Girl and Midoriya still stared with skepticism but you wore a stunning mask that prevented them from getting to you. “I promise that I’ll try and study earlier so I can sleep. I’ll drink water every chance I get and eat every meal. Just don’t make me stop, Please.”

“Well… I would have had trouble benching one of Mr. Aizawa’s prized students anyway. You have promised me that you will do these three essential things and I expect you to follow up with that promise. Which is why I shall be appointing Midoriya here to watch you.”

“Wha-No. That isn’t fair to him. You can’t just make someone baby sit me.” You felt bad when you stood up and swung your hand in Midoriya’s direction. He flinched slightly but not because he was afraid, you would hit him. He was slightly off put by your shouting in protest.  

“I can and I will. I am also going to give you a log where you will write every time you drink and eat so I can look it over next week to make sure I don’t have to follow up on my threat. If you are having trouble studying may I suggest a tutor.” Wow a suggesting after all the coercion. You had to do everything she said or face repercussion. You could have easily said you had done these things but with Midoriya watching you it was going to be hard to not follow through. There was no argument left in you. Defeated you let your shoulders sag and a tiny nod is sent in Recovery Girls direction.

“Okay.” With that you had been given your logs, a bottle of water, and Midoriya’s support. A pat of your back was the last thing you received before leaving the office. You had been suffering earlier and now you wanted to destroy the walls in front of you and scream until your throat bled. As you walked down the slightly crowed halls Midoriya followed like your faithful guard dog, or more like a baby sitter trying to prevent a baby from opening pill bottles. You had stopped and grunted when he ran into your back, the grip you had on your bag strap tighter than the bandaging on your leg. You could hear the green hair boy, whom an hour ago was your savior and now was your worst enemy with no fault other than your own, apologizing for running into you.

“I-I’m so sorry Y/n.”

“Leave me alone.” The words came out between gritted teeth. You hated the taste anger left in your mouth; it was worse than vomit. You were going to say something you’d regret so you had to escape him now to prevent that from happening. He meant well when he took you to the nurse’s office. He meant well and yet you were angry because you just wanted to go to your dorm and drown in tears and scream into the empty building while you had the chance. Now that classes were over you couldn’t do that and now you had to follow some stupid regiment.  

“I said LEAVE ME ALONE!” The words hadn’t meant to be yelled but they came out loud. Some people turned and looked in time to see the shock and hurt wash over Midoriya’s face and to watch the anger on your own dissipate into pain and regret before you ran. Midoriya couldn’t reach you this time. You had run away with no intention to be caught again. You ran faster even though your knee throbbed begging you to stop. The metaphoric water in your lungs was also trying to restrain you, trying to keep you from escaping. Hallways flew by along with familiar and unfamiliar faces. You looked insane as your hair wildly danced behind you and your skirt tried to fly up when you leaped from the top of the stairs. This was your ‘leap of faith’ but really it was a rush of cowardice. You landed with a hiss and stumble before rushing past the people watching with fear and curiosity. When the midafternoon sun kissed your skin, you knew you were almost free to breakdown. The throbbing faded with the increased adrenaline as you finally made in to the dorm building. You made sure not to look at anyone as you rushed inside and straight to the elevator. You could feel the eyes and hear the unspoken questions but didn’t want to look or hear. You just wanted to go to your room and sleep for the next millennium. Life had other plans for you. When the elevator door opened Bakugou walked out. Your felt ice in your veins despite the heat that spread across the rest of your body since you were embarrassed, he had to watch your pathetic display earlier. Your body went stiff and you looked directly at the floor before swiftly rushing into the waiting elevator. You were almost free but that’s when a hand pushed against the door causing it to retract. Bakugou’s piercing red eyes stared into your broken ones before slowly moving down to the bandaging on your knee which was now slightly pink from blood resurfacing after your running and jumping. You waited for some harsh comment about how you were an idiot or pathetic but the words never came. Instead his voice came out low and non-threatening.

“If you need that rebandaged later come by my room. I have some experience with bandaging.” He didn’t see the confusion on your face when he pulled his hand away allowing the door to close and take you to your floor. You sighed falling against the wall with your hand pushing into your chest willing it to stop hurting. Bakugou wasn’t a nice guy but you knew he had soft moments but never had you personally experienced one. You could only assume it was his own way of trying to ease regret from yelling at you. You didn’t have the energy to think about what Bakugou’s new behavior could mean. You were tired and finally in your own room. A safe place that no one could force you to leave, well no one has tried. With a heavy sigh you fall backward onto your bed finally letting everything out as a sob pushes your lips apart followed by more and more till the only sound that could be heard was your pained whimpers and chocked out screams. Your brain throbs against your cranium and you wish you could puncture a hole to relieve the pressure like they did in asylums in the past. This was how you lived most of your days and nights when it became to much. Sobbing and breaking down while the world moved around you. The words spoken as whispers in your ears telling you how useless and pathetic you are. How the world spins and your classmates still laugh and play regardless of your absence.

However, no matter what your thoughts told you. No matter what you own personal demons whisper, someone cared. Someone noticed. Midoriya entered the dorm building wishing you were curled up against Mina on the couch like you did on good days. He wanted you to be fine but he knew you weren’t and even if Recovery Girl hadn’t asked him, he would have still tried to help you because he wanted you to be better. He was going to help you. He wasn’t the only one. Bakugou leaned against the counters not listening to the conversations around him. Instead he thought about the pain you were in. He wondered how much you suffered alone and he was determined, despite his pride, to destroy that suffering. He knew your battle was one that lacked villains and instead had to be fought slowly and methodically with patience and words. He would be there for you or at least promised himself that he would try which to Bakugou held a lot of meaning.

These boys want to save you, the only thing is they haven’t quite figured out you need to be saved from yourself.

#bnha #mha #boku no hero x reader #mha x reader #bnha x reader #midorya x reader #izuku x reader #bakugou x reader #katsuki bakugou x reader #bnha bakugou #bnha midoriya #mha imagines

[i-am-masterkittens]

You better prepare yourself cause these are Quite A Few Questions 👀👀 3, 4, 11, 12, 15, 21, 23, 31, 33, 39 and lastly 40. Wow. 11 questions lmao

Thank you so much 😭😭❤

3. rant. just do it (I am going to put my whole ass rant under the cut because BOY IS IT LENGTHY. Also tw child abuse, pedophilia, self-harm and I think that’s it.)

4. do you think its ok to separate the artist from the art? No? Like I guess if you want to, that’s fine, I’m not gonna hate you for it, but for me personally I’m gonna try to avoid it as much as possible. If a bad person creates a masterpiece, I’m still not gonna support them.

11. what unusual talent do you have? Uhh mild body contortion? Like I can’t touch my toes for the life of me but I can twist my body really weirdly and bend all my fingertips backwards by a lot. I love freaking people out by doing that.

12. what’s the most interesting schools gossip you’ve ever heard? I have audio-based problems meaning I have trouble understanding someone when they speak and also remembering what they said, so I can eavesdrop on the juiciest gossip and forget the next day. However, I do remember this one thing about some kid named Evan being a vampire, which I distinctly remember because Jake talked about it, but I don’t remember how it came up.

15. what’s a question do you constantly get asked? One would think it would be “omg are you left handed?” Or something similar, but I don’t think anyone’s ever asked me about it. One question I do get a lot is from my boyfriend, “why are you so cute?” It makes me shy and I have to hide my face.

21. what’s a conspiracy you believe in? That there are Warrior cats living somewhere in the world (from the warrior series). Which I guess isn’t a conspiracy, but I believe in it!

23. if you could break one of your bad habits which would you choose? The inability to take care of myself. I mean, if someone wasn’t there to remind me every day, I would never remember to take my medicine, or brush my teeth before bed, or even get dressed half the days. I wouldn’t call it lazy, it’s more of a “I’m too tired to take care of myself”. That’s mental illness for you babey!!

31. you can change one thing in your life right now. what are you changing? OH. I would totally delete every disease in the world. This whole quarantine thing is making me sick physically, emotionally, and mentally, because I am not allowed outside at all and the lack of fresh air, meeting people, and vitamin D is stressing me out and well I feel bad almost all the time now. Not to mention all the cool stuff I was gonna do for my 2020 graduation. 😔

33. what do you think about a lot I sometimes wonder if my best friend would let me call him Jakey or Jakie as a nickname but I’m too shy to ask because I am baby.

39. describe your asthetic Okay so I call it “Pretty-Cryptid, Baby-Softcore.” Because I am baby AND a cryptid. I’ll be eating baby carrots from the bag and staring out the window one minute then I’ll want to be snuggled under lots of blankets the next. I also really love pretty things and colors. Pastel purples and blues? Hell yeah! Pats on the head? I love you. A demon with ethereal vibes and pretty jewelry is standing next to me in bed and telling me everything’s going to be okay? OGHOHOHHHHGH ❤❤❤❤ Anyway I want a pretty monster dad, please?

40. answer with one of your ‘school memes’ (inside jokes you have with your class/grade) with no explanation Mr. Wise.

Here’s my rant:

The basis of it all is just that I would probably sleep forever if I could.

I guess that isn’t all quite a rant, so I’ll start of on a mild note. What the fuck is happening to my dreams? I’ve been having these weird ass dreams about people taking care of me and genuinely wanting to become a parental figure to me. They all wear masks, two of which look exactly like SCP-035 and SCP-049, but there’s this one dude, I don’t know him, but he wears this mask with holes in it. Apparently his name is Jason? This isn’t the first time I’ve had a dream about someone who I didn’t know existed, I’ve also had dreams about Monika from DDLC before I knew who she was, and even about how she died. It was creepy as fuck, and I sure hope my dreams don’t come true because I’ve had dreams of the future more than once.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get into the heavy stuff, starting with my parents.I know I’m not the only person to have shitty parents, but that doesn’t stop them from being shitty. And before I get into anything, please please, please don’t report them to anyone. It’s probably weird to hear considering all they’ve done, but the guilt will probably kill me literally, and I still kinda love them, I mean they’re my parents and they took care of me. I don’t want anything to happen to them, and I don’t want to have to hurt myself because I did something to them, even if it was indirectly.

It used to be physical abuse, but it’s evolved into verbal as I grew up. Whenever I used to get in trouble, I would get so fucking terrified of what was going to happen to me. My dad, who was mostly absent from my life, (hence my constant wishing for a fictional character to be my dad, and probably a HUGE factor for what’s happening to my dreams lately) was also the most heavy handed with the hitting. He would spank me so hard that I would be crying and my butt would be red for hours. And it was so SO obvious that he liked my sister more than me, because it was always me who ended up with the red butts, and she’d get away with a loud yelling at. Meanwhile my mom would just hit me wherever she could with whatever she could, including a wire coat hanger when she was doing laundry.

And I recognize that I was a problem child, both physically and mentally because of my internal deformities that cause a lot of health problems, but also my weird boyish mentality and energy (I was into roughhousing a lot). But even then, just yelling would be enough to make me stop. Hitting me the way they did only made me learn how to lie to them and hide when I did something wrong.

This sort of stuff went on until about middle school, where it turned into more verbal threats about kicking me out of the house, as well as calling me names and making comments that dropped my self esteem very low, including stupid cow, bitch, and even telling me to hide my body and never wear bikinis or short shorts or crop tops (which I was already sensitive enough about because of my scars and the bump in my abdomen because of my knotted intestines, which gives me digestive issues if I eat too much). Dad almost completely dropped off the disciplinary train, only yelling at me extremely loudly when he got angry, but other than that I did pretty much nothing with him.

Because of them I’ve become extremely paranoid when it comes to touches that aren’t meant to be 100% comforting, and I’ve never been able to fully trust anyone for fear of getting hurt, (I’m sorry Jake :( if it makes you feel better though I trust you the most out of anyone else) and I get nervous when speaking up because I always got shot down by my parents.

It’ll be okay though because I have my boyfriend who I’ll get to live with soon, even if it’s just for the summer.

This isn’t everything that they’ve done, but it’s the majority of it, and even though they do good stuff with me sometimes, like my dad cooks breakfast or takes us out to eat, or we all go on nice vacations together, and it makes me feel guilty that I’m making them look bad, and worry that I’m oversharing or being too sensitive, but then I remember what they do and have done, and remind myself that I’ll only visit during holidays.

When I was 13, I came into contact with a pedophile. My first one out of at least 2 that I remember. I’m going to spare the details, but he tried to roleplay sexual situations with him, and convince me to undress in front of him, and that’s when I cut contact with him, and faked my death. I’m so, SO fucking sick of pedos, and pedo apologists, saying there’s nothing wrong with the age difference, when pedophilia has done nothing good to or for children. It gave me severe PTSD, to the point that I can’t say any words relating to reproduction, and visual-based sexual content will cause me to have flashbacks and panic attacks and cause me to scratch myself. Thanks pedos! Fucking hate you all! Please die.

And before people say I am overreacting, I’ve had this huge trigger since I was 13 and that is not something a kid should go through. And the reason why not a lot of people know about what happened, it’s because of the fear that I harbored, that people would laugh at me, and might use my triggers against me, which made things even worse, and it wasn’t until my boyfriend triggered me (accidentally) that I finally told someone, and it made me feel better that I could rely on him.

Other than that, another rant is about my boyfriend. I mean, he’s a good boyfriend, and he’s nice, but sometimes he comes off as insensitive and it makes me upset. That’s most of the reasons why we fight. Another big thing is lack of affection/attention, which might seems strange since we’re always hanging out, it seems, and cuddling, but sometimes he falls asleep on me and I get bored and don’t know what to do, or sometimes he ignores me to play video games or talk to other people. I am very touch starved so I need constant attention and contact or else I get worried, and I don’t know if he knows this or not, but he definitely comes off as ignorant sometimes. 

He makes up for a lot of stuff he does, but it doesn’t make what he did go away, and I wish he’d realize that and change because he keeps making the same mistakes.

My last rant is going to be about myself, and that I feel like a shit person! I feel like I always make things worse! I feel bad for every decision I make! I feel like I’m too clingy to my boyfriend and that I ask too much of him sometimes, and it makes me feel like shit because what I want and how I feel afterwards are different things and wow! Time for scratches! Also I want to have the power to always know what to do and say to make everyone happier and feel better! But then I get scared I’m gonna make a mistake and instead of trying to help I ignore them and go wow! I am a very shit person for ignoring them! And now my heart hurts because I got another heart palpitation by panicking! Wow I have a shit body! My heart deformities might kill me in my sleep! Wow! I am so insecure about everything I do and every way I look. I just want to become small and disappear sometimes. I miss you Jake. It’s hard for me to tell you I love you because it’s such an intimate phrase and my boyfriend was the first to hear it from me. But I’m glad you’re the second, even though we were so close to it. Somewhere in an alternate universe we’re together, and that makes me happy. I hope I we can become platonically intimate again, I remember holding your hand at night and it made me feel a little bit better at that camp.

My body just always hurts. I have to take a lot of medicine, and between all my heart, lung, and intestinal issues, on top of all my mental issues, majority of which have gone undiagnosed because my mom is in denial and refuses to get me to any sort of therapy; all of that combined makes me tired constantly, and I just always have stress, and a little headache in the back of my head.

I’m still hurting a lot, but I hope to get better. I have lots of ideas for the future, and I want to complete them before I go. I hope I make it past 2020, with many of you in tow.

I’m so tired.

I’m sorry if I made you sad.

[themoonandotherslikeit]

The hand That Reaches for God, Chapter 3

***Sometimes staying away is the easiest move. Keeping a safe distance, especially for Emerson and Dean Winchester. So, when the Maklen twins come home again, they don’t anticipate the feelings that Emerson will get having to see him again. When tragedy strikes, the Winchester brothers and the Maklen twins are forced to face, not only their feelings, but each other. In a story about pain, family, abandonment, and desire, the couples have to decide if survival, without love, is enough.***

Warnings: Angst, language, illness, mutual pinning

Chapter Three

“Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all.” - Emily Dickinson

-8 Hours After-

The rain had stopped sometime during the night, leaving the boat oddly quiet. It barely rocked with the movement of the sea, and if there was any commotion outside, the group didn’t hear it. Sam and Pheli were still asleep, curled together like a fist protesting god. Emerson’s head was on Deans lap, and his fingers were in her hair. He fell asleep absentmindedly stroking her blonde hair. They kept finding themselves like that, unknowingly stuck in an intimate gesture.  

Dean woke with a start. His eyes trailed down to Emerson sleeping in his lap and he smiled a little at her. She was less of a pain in the ass when she was sleeping. She almost seemed peaceful. He snorted, because he knew better. There was no peaceful bone in her body.

He turned a bit, the circle window on the door was letting the morning sunshine into the stairwell. He squinted, and considered the possibility that everything that happened the night before was a really bad dream. It wouldn’t be the first time, after he came back from Afghanistan he had constant nightmares. Sometimes he just didn’t sleep at all.

Emerson looked up at him with a sleepy expression, her eyes still heavy from the night. “You okay?”

Dean shrugged in response. “Yet to be determined. Let’s check out the deck.”

“Okay.” She sat up and stretched, her elbows popping in response. She was sore from sleeping on the stairs, but she knew that she was lucky for being able to get any sleep, no matter how terrible it was.

The two stood up and Dean slowly opened the door. The sun spilled over them, surrounding them in an almost holy light. Emerson covered her eyes to block out the bright sunlight. Maybe it was from laying in the dark cabin for so long, but the sun seemed brighter and harsher than it had the day before. The deck was covered in standing blood red water, which had yet to be evaporated by the suns blinding rays.

Dean crouched down and touched the water with his index finger. “It’s not hot anymore.” He said cautiously, before stepping out onto the deck.

Emerson followed behind him. “God, does the sun feel brighter to you?”

“Yeah, actually.” Dean squinted. “Wasn’t even this hot in Afghanistan, and fuck that’s sayin somethin.”

Emerson pressed her lips together. Dean never talked about his time in the military, not even to Sam. She turned her body toward the shore and squinted. Black plumes of smoke danced toward the sky. The world was on fire. The ocean looked like it was bleeding from the rain, everything was red as far as her eyes could see, and when they reached the shore… everything was ash and fires. The world was hazy from all of the smoke, it was like the smoke was behind her eyes, in her nose, her lungs. She gasped. It was too much. Her mother was over there, helpless. She couldn’t reach her. Emerson didn’t realize how close she was to passing out until Dean grabbed ahold of her arms. “Hey, I’ve got you.”

Her head rolled to the side, resting on Dean’s chest. “Dean.”

“There’s something in the air.” He said, confirming her thoughts. He wrapped an arm around her and pulled her back into the safety of the space below deck.

“Em?” Pheli called sleepily from below deck, before a little more urgently. “Emerson?”

“We’re over here.” Dean said, as he helped the half-conscious Emerson down the stairs.

“What happened?” Ophelia sat up on her knees on the bed in alarm. Her usually perfect hair was sticking out on one side, and flattened on the side that was snuggled against Sam.

“Dean?” Sam asked, his eyes mirroring his girlfriends.

“She’s okay.” He said through clenched teeth. He laid her down. “Right, Em?” He leaned over her, pressing two fingers to the pulse point on her throat.

“I feel a lot better now that I’m inside.” She agreed weakly. “What the fuck was that?”

“There’s something in the air.” Dean said quietly.

“Why weren’t you effected?” She asked, trying to sit up.

“Hey, cool it.” He pressed a hand to her chest, urging her to lay back down. “I was effected.” He said quietly. “Just assuming it takes more for me since I’m bigger than you.” He pushed her hair behind her ear. “So just relax.”

“What do you mean there’s something in the air?” Pheli asked, moving to Emerson’s side. She took her sisters head and rested it in her lap. “Like poison?”

“Or a toxin, from the bomb.”

“So what now?” Sam asked. “We obviously can’t go outside.

“It may not matter. We are still breathing the same air.” His eyes flickered to Emerson’s.  “Last night it rained blood red, hot rain, and I’m talking Mom’s dishes water hot.”

Sam’s eyes widened. “How is that possible?”

“I don’t know.” Dean admitted. “I really don’t.”

Pheli grabbed Emerson’s hand. “What are we going to do?”

“I think we have to go outside.” Emerson said, sitting up. “We are sitting ducks in here.” Her throat was a little raw and she cleared it a few times.

“How? Look at you, Em! You were barely outside.” Pheli’s voice was small, and weak.

“Hey.” Emerson smiled, touching her sister’s cheek. “We will figure it out. Right Dean?” Her eyes flickered to the older brother. She wasn’t sure what moment they became partners, but it was clear that they had.

“Yeah.” He offered a weak smile. “Of course we will.” He met Sam’s eyes. His younger brother didn’t look too convinced. Dean made a mental note to reconvene with Sam once they had the girls secured. He didn’t plan on this being a permanent set up.

“Maybe we just need some kind of filter to protect us from the air?” Sam offered. “Like a gas mask?”

“That could work.” Dean admitted.

“I don’t think we have gas masks in a sail boat.” Pheli said weakly. She looked afraid, and she brought her finger to her mouth and bit on the skin around her nail.

“No.” Emerson said, looking around. “But we may have surgical masks in the first aid kit.”

“It won’t work as well, but fuck, Em. You may be a genius.” Dean grinned at her.

She shrugged in response, before hopping up to help him look for the first aid kit. “Bingo.” She said, pulling the white box out from under the bed. She opened it up and pulled out a plastic bag full of surgical masks. “What about hats? The sun was so hot. We will sunburn really quickly.”

Dean got up and opened the closet door and rifled through it before pulling out some clothes. He tossed a pair of rain jackets at the girls. “Ready to forge forward?” He grinned widely.

“May as well.” Emerson said, slipping into the jacket, and taking her sisters hand. “Don’t worry.” She murmured. “We got this.”

-7 Years Before-

Ophelia sat with her legs crisscrossed on the porch swing on the front porch of her house. It rocking gently back and forth as she stared intently at the book in her hands for school. Out of the two Maklen sisters, Pheli was not the most studious. It took her twice as long to finish things as it did for Emerson, her head was always in the clouds. She was reading Jane Eyre for class, and while it should be entertaining for her, being the romantic she was, all it was doing was causing her head to spin out of control. She was imagining her own Mr Rochester.

She folded the corner of her page down to mark her place when she noticed Sam Winchester slowly approaching, with his hands in his pockets. He was the short, scrawny boy who lived next door to her her whole life. He seemed really shy, and despite being her neighbor, he had barely spoken to her. “Hey.” She said, cautiously.

“Oh, uh, hi.” His face was bright red and Pheli grinned in response. Even at age fourteen she was a bit of a narcissist.

“Can I help you?” She asked, batting her eyelashes.

“I was...no.. that’s okay.” Sam turned on his heels to leave and Pheli quickly stood up.

“Do you want some lemonade? Mom made some. She has cookies too.”

“Sure.” Sam pushed his hair behind his ears. It was shaggy. He looked at her from the bottom step of her porch, his dimples popping up on his cheeks.

“Come on.” She gestured for him to step inside. “I hope you like cinnamon sugar cookies.”

“I do.” He smiled even wider. “It’s cool that your mom bakes, mine can’t cook at all.” He laughed dryly. “She buys them from the store and pretends she baked them.”

“My mom can’t cook either, but she can bake.” Pheli said handing him the plate of cookies. She went to the fridge and pulled out a pitcher of lemonade. “Ice?”

“Okay.” He reached forward and took a big bite of cookie. “Holy crap, thats delicious.”

Pheli grinned proudly, and handed him the glass of lemonade. “Here.”

“Thank you.”

She leaned on the counter across from him and took a bite of her own cookie. “Emerson said I’m going to get fat if I eat too many of these.”

“Is that your sister? I’ve seen her around.”

“Yeah.” Pheli chewed, and eyed him suspiciously. “You’ve seen her around?”

“Mmhm.” He mumbled, before swallowing his bite of cookie. “Outside, around school.” He shrugged. “I have her in biology.”

“What? Are you in love with her or something?” Pheli asked suddenly, before covering her mouth with her hands. What the hell is wrong with you?!

“What?! No!”

She wished she could curl into herself and disappear. She’d seen Sam around, too, and his older brother. “Just making sure... because... uh... I think she likes your brother and that’d be weird.” Pheli said. It came out like word vomit, she didn’t mean to say it, and her sister would kill her if she found out. They’d never talked much about the boys next door, let alone liked either of them. So why was Pheli being so dramatic? Why was her stomach flipping now that she was in the same room as the younger Winchester?

“She does?” Sam asked, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise.

“Yeah. He’s all mysterious. She eats that stuff up.”

“Huh.”

“But don’t tell him! She will be so mad at me!”

“Right, I won’t.” Sam promised. He reached for another cookie, but the plate was empty. They’d eaten the entire thing while they were talking. “Wow, I see what you mean. These things are addicting.” He grabbed a crumb off the plate and stuck it to his tongue.

“That’s an understatement.” Pheli laughed nervously, biting at her cuticle.

“You were reading when I walked up. What book was it?”

“Jane Eyre. It’s for class.” Pheli took a sip of her lemonade. It was a little too sour, and her nose wrinkled in response. “Why did you walk up?”

“I...” Sams cheeks turned even more red. “I’ve been trying to get the nerve to talk to you for awhile.”

“Really?” She squeaked.

“Yeah.” He laughed, taking a sip of his own lemonade just to have something to do with his hands. “Wow, that’s really sour!”

Ophelia busted into a fit of giggles, covering her mouth. “Yeah, it is really bad!”

Sam laughed in response. Every time they would slow down they’d meet eyes and roll into another fit, until they were both holding their stomachs and begging the other to stop.

“Told you she was terrible at everything other than baked goods.” Pheli said breathlessly.

“You weren’t wrong.” Sam agreed, wiping the tears away from his eyes.

She grabbed both glasses and dumped them down the sink. “Why... why were you afraid to talk to me?”

“You’re intimidating, Ophelia.”

“You can call me Pheli.”

“Okay.” Sam said, softly. His eyes were glued to his lap.

“I’m not.”

“Not what?” His eyes flickered up to hers.

“Intimidating.”

He laughed lightly. “Yeah, you are.”

“You can talk to me any time you want, Sam.”

“It isn’t just talking... I actually had something to ask you.” He let out a breath.

“Okay. What is it?”

“I don’t know. It’s probably stupid, forget it.”

“Just ask, sam.”

“I... ugh, fine okay.” He looked like he was going to pass out before he quietly mumbled, “Will you go to homecoming with me?”

A grin grew on Opehlia’s face. It almost hurt to smile that widely, but when he met her deep brown eyes he saw the night sky in them. They sparkled like they were full of stars. “Yes! You cute little idiot. I’d love to!”

****

“Was that Sam Winchester in our house earlier?”

“You saw that?” Pheli asked, from her bed. She had her book light on, trying to catch up on her reading before her due date the next day, but in reality she was day dreaming out homecoming.

“Yeah.” She laughed. “I was coming downstairs for a drink, and I figured I should leave you two alone.” She shrugged, rolling over onto her side on the bed so she could get a better look at her sister in the darkness.

“He asked me to homecoming.”

“What?” Emerson sat up. “Really? Have you ever even talked to him before?”

“No.” She laughed. “Not really... but he’s cute, Em. Really cute.”

“I guess.” Emerson laughed quietly and rolled her eyes.

“What if he is my Mr Rochester?”

“That book is kind of dysfunctional, Phel.”

“I think it’s romantic.” She cooed in response. “He could be my Romeo. We could be soulmates.”

“Phel, they both died. That’s not really romantic... it’s tragic.”

Ophelia shrugged in response. “He has a brother, you know. It’s always been my dream for us to marry brothers. We could have a double wedding!” She sat up with a wide grin. “You have to take Dean Winchester to homecoming.”

“I would rather eat Mom’s pot roast than take Dean Winchester to homecoming.” Emerson said flatly. “He wears too much Axe, and I’m pretty sure he smokes. No way.” She flipped over to face the wall to go to sleep. “I will never like Dean Winchester, so you may as well let go of that dream now, Phel, before you get too disappointed.”

-8 Hours After-

The group looked ridiculous in their boat hats, rain jackets, and surgical masks. Dean went up on deck with Sam to sail back to the mainland, leaving the Maklen sisters below deck.

“I can’t believe this.” Pheli said, plopping on the bed, with her face in her hands.

“We will figure it out. We have each other, that’s all we’ve ever needed.” Emerson said, resting her hand on her sisters shoulder.

“I need a distraction, or I’m going to start crying.” She sucked in her breath before her eyes flickered to her sisters. A perfect reflection of herself. “What was going on with you two on deck last night? Before everything happened. It looked intense.”

“It... it was a little intense.” Emerson admitted, leaning against the wall. “He is a little intense.”

“What were you talking about?” Pheli asked, quietly, glancing at her sister.

Emerson looked far off, as if she could see through the walls of their tiny cabin. “The sky.”

“The sky?”

“Yeah.” She glanced down at the tiny blisters on her palm, before curling it back into itself. She wasn’t much of a talker. She wasn’t a romantic, like her sister. She didn’t watch the stars, or find shapes in the clouds. She didn’t dream about a boy who would sweep her off her feet and change everything. She didn’t believe anyone had that power, and if anyone could, it was God, and he’d obviously left the building.

—————

Chapter Four

Get caught up!

#fanficiton #supernatural fanfiction #spn fanfiction #supernatural #spn #writing #mine #apocalypse #apocalypse!AU #Dean winchester #sam winchester #deanxofc #samxofc #mutual pining #dark #violence #love #otp #slow burn

[chelleaslin]

Adrigami Week Day 7- Freedom (Chapter Seven)

@mlshipfleet

⚠️Warning; Offensive language (1 F-bomb), mild gore (description of wounds)⚠️

Kagami’s mind was foggy. She didn’t understand anything around her. There was this thick burning feeling in her nose, and a odd pressure on her shoulder. She blinked her eyes a few time, slowly, as she regained her vision and her thoughts. She lifted her heavy head, taking in her surroundings, she was on a rooftop and the city was in chaos. Thick clouds of dark grey puffs of clouds smothered the sky as she realised the sensation in her nose was the smell of smoke. The pressure on her shoulder increased as something red entered her field of vision. A girl clad in red latex crouched before her, she looked rather familiar but Kagami just couldn’t place it.

“Are you okay?” The women asked.

“I.. I don’t know.” She mumbled, furrowing her brows as she thought hard, was she okay? She raised one of her hands as she inspected her body, physically she looked fine but mentally she wasn’t so sure.

“It’s the effects of being akumatised, everything will come back in time.” A male voice spoke, something about that voice shook Kagami to her core. She snapped her eyes up once again. Standing behind the crimson girl was a blonde male, sporting a black leather suit.

As if by a simple flick of a switch, everything fell back into place. Kagami gasped as memories filled her mind one at a time, like a movie. Meeting Adrien, falling for him, finding out he was Chatnoir, being Chatnoir, bonding with him, their argument, her Mother. She felt back on to her back side, overwhelmed.

“I let myself be akumaised” she whispered in pure horror, ignoring Ladybug and Adrien’s presence.

“It’s not your fault.” Ladybug whispered, reaching for her hand and giving it a comforting squeeze. Kagami smiled tightly at the heroine of Paris, if only she knew.

Chatnoir, Adrien, cleared his throat awkwardly, gaining both the black haired girl’s attention.

“Sorry, M’lady but we’re almost out of power.” He reminded his partner, pointing at his beeping ring in emphasis. “Plus, we need to get this girl home before then.”

Kagami locked eyes with Adrien, her emotions heavy. She remembered what she had to do to keep him safe. She bit her lip, she was meant to take Adrien’s Miraculous, what was she going to do now?

“You’re right Chat.” Ladybug spoke as she stood up for her kneeling position. “Come on, Ill take you home.” She smiled. Kagami held her hand as she got pulled from her feet, her mind a mile away. She needed to take action now before it was too late.

“I can take her home, M’lady.” Chatnoir offered, Kagami’s heart might have swooned at the offer and simultaneously broke at the nickname, if she wasn’t to conflicted about other things.

Ladybug turned to Chatnoir, most likely to discussed who had more time to help Kagami home, but the Japanese girl didn’t give her a chance. She quickly reached out without much thought and snatched one earring straight out of her hear.

The red and black clad girl hissed in pain as she flinched back in shock. Straight away the girl struggled to stay transformed, her body glowing with a bright pink light as it slowly detransformed her. Ladybug quickly covered her face with her hands, trying to hide her true identity.

Kagami knew now was her chance, take the other earring. Her brown eyes flicked towards Adrien, he was frozen in pure shock. Frowning, she quickly reached out to grab the other half to the Miraculous. Chatnoir seemed to snap out of his shock and leaped into action. Kagami saw him crouched, ready to spring to his partners rescue so she quickly ripped out the last stud. Chatnoir pounced, running at Kagami at full speed, she needed a distraction. Without much thought she kicked Ladybug making the poor girl stumble backwards onto the rooftop edge. She lost her balance and started to fall backwards, Chatnoir quickly averted his concentration onto Ladybug. He grabbed both her hands and pulled her back into the roof and into his chest. Kagami stood frozen in shock, at both her actions and the fact that she could clearly see Marinette Dupin-Cheng standing in Chatnoir’s arms.

Her heart broke as she realised the two people, holding dearly onto eachother, loved one another without realising it. She had no chance with Adrien now that he knew Ladybugs identity, expecially because of what she was about to do.

She forced the earrings through her closed over ear piercing holds, she bite her lip in pain at her roughness. A small light appeared before her eye, a tiny creature like Plagg appeared. The Kwami, she thinks they were called, was red and resembled something akin to a Ladybug. One thing Kagami noticed right off the bat was that sad and scared expression on its small face. Her heart ripped into two.

“What are the words to activate your powers.” Kagami asked, her voice coming out harsher than she wanted. She still didn’t want to do this, become a villian, but she had no choice. For Adrien, it was an obligation she would burden.

“Tikki, Spot on.” The Kwami, Tikki, whispered in defeat.

“Why are you doing this Kagami?” Chatnoir yelled out, Marinette still firmly pressed to his chest. Tears of fright stained her pink cheeks as she still quivered a tad from shock. Adrien held her tighter as he rubbed his hands up and down her arms. Kagami glared at the contact before breathing steadily, she can’t let Her emotions take over her again.

“Tikki, Spots on!” She called out, her body engulfed in a bright pink light. She felt the transformation take over her, she was surprised to note that it felt different from Chatnoir’s. She looked at the two teens across from her, frozen in time. Both of their eyes were wide in shock as they reached out towards her. The transformation finished, the world returning to its normal speed, leaving Kagami standing fully transformed. Her Costume was similar to that of Ladybugs normal costume, but her was yellow and black.

“Kagami, Stop this!” Chatnoir screamed, slowly letting go of Marinettes side as he approached her. “You almost killed Marinette!” He yelled, his eyes burning with fury. Marinette curled in on herself at the mention of her name, her identity revel and defeat was heart wrenching for her.

“I’m sorry, Adrien.” She firmly said as she drew her yo-yo from her pocket. Marinette gasp of shock could be heard from Chatnoir’s identity reveal. “I didn’t want to hurt anyone.” She mumbled sadly, her Mothers threat rang through her head. She needed to protect Adrien! “Surrender your Miraculous, I don’t want to hurt you.”

Adrien’s froze for a second, mask slightly furrowed in thought.

“Why do you need the Miraculouli?” Marinette screamed out, her shocked state gone and a fierce look on her face. Kagami wonders why she thought Marinette couldn’t be Ladybug, looking out her now, she felt a small sense of fear. The Japanese girl bit her lip, she couldn’t revel to much but the way Adrien was looking at her, his face full of sorrow, she had to try to explain.

“They’re for Hawkmoth.”

A sharp intake of breath was heard from both the superhero’s, followed by a deafening silence.

“You,” Marinette mumbled, clearing her throat. “You work for Hawkmoth?”

Kagami tried to explain but suddenly Chatnoir leaped at her, tackling her to the ground. Kagami hit the ground with a head thud, Adrien instantly went to pin her down.

“Was it all an act?” He screamed, he was furious. “Did you actually pretend to care about me all for my Miraculous?”

“No-l”

“I actually believed you!” He gritted out, he sighed angrily before reaching for the earrings she possessed. Gasping, Kagmi kicked him off of her with a new found strength. Her blood started to boil at his accusations, she swung her Yo-Yo on a nearby billboard pole, ready to make her escape, One Miraculous was better than none. She couldn’t fight Adrien, at least not today.

“For the record, I’m doing this because I Love you Adrien.” She swung off the building, flipping her body in the air as she tried to escape. She thought she was clear as she landed on a far off building, close to the Agreste manor. She decided that she couldn’t go through with the plan, she could betray Adrien, even to help him. She needed to talk to Mr. Agreste, tell him that Chatnoir was his son and about her Mother’s plans of betrayal and exposure. Perhaps then she could face Adrien again when he was safe.

She spotted Adrien’s mansion on the horizon, she swung her Yo-Yo ready to hook it on to something when she felt a violent force hit her from her right. Her body was thrown to the ground, a heavy pressure onto of her. She heavily gasped in large amounts of air, the knock having winded her. A black figure rose from above her, it was Adrien.

“Get off me.” Kagami hissed as she stuggled to free herself. She tied to kick him off again but to no advail, he was ready for her this time.

“No, you can’t drop a fucking bomb like that and then leave!” He shouted at her. “Please, this isn’t like you. Just tell me what’s going on? What does Hawkmoth have on you?” He pleaded, his eyes full of hope. Kagami felt something in her break, a small crack in her stone cold soul amongst the many other cracks only Adrien could leave.

“I-“ her voice broke off, she couldn’t tell him. His heart would break, she knew his relationship was rocky with his Father already, this would break it. Villian or not, he was the only family the model had left, Kagami couldn’t take that away, along with the chance of Mrs. Agreste being resurrected.

Her eyes harden as she violently tried to fight him off. She kicked her legs, bucked her body and swung her arms as she screamed to be freed.

“Hey, hey, hey.” Adrien whispered, slightly panicked, he adjusted his weight on the smaller girl, pinning her legs so she couldn’t move them. She heard his ring beep loudly in warning, he was going to detransform soon.

“No, stop!” Kagami cried out, her voice full or sorrow and more vulnerable then she intended. Adrien grasped her failing arms, locking his hands with her, fingers intertwined.

“Please, I can’t help you unless you talk to me.” He whispered once again. A tear slipped out of Kagami’s masked, Browns eyes. She tried to turned her face away from Adrien but he caught her chin with one clawed finger.

“Please?” He begged.

Kagami’s body went slack as she gave up.

“My Mother works for Hawkmoth.” She whispered, she felt disgusted in her family name. Adrien loosened his grip, realising the girl wasn’t going to struggle anymore.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.” She whispered, tears gathered in her eyes once again. How was she going to tell him about his Father?

“It’s okay, I get it, you had no choice. My Father is just as controlling.” He tried to softly smile in reassurance. He carefully detangled himself from the yellow clad girl, sitting next to her crossed legged instead.

“No, you don’t understand.” She bit her lip, breathing in and out through her nose. “Listen, I found out who Hawkmoth is..”

Adrien’s drew in a sharp breath, eyes blown wide.

“But, before I tell you.. please, his heart was in the right place.”

Adrien’s face looked absolutely murderous at that. He shot right up, towering over Kagami as he started to yell.

“He is a terrorist! No one as evil as that is a good person!”

Kagami, tried to stay calm. She wouldn’t be able to explain this to him if she lost her temper, this information was delicate and had to be explain correctly.

“Do you know why Hawkmoth wants the Miraculi?” She asked, gesturing to his clenched first and her own ears.

“To become more powerful!”

“No.”

“What?”

“When the powers of both Miraculi are activated by one wielder, that person gets a wish. Anything in the entire universe, no limits.” She explained. Adrien’s face held a mixed expression of shock and pure horror.

“See! Imagine what would happen if he got his hands on them? He would control Paris, The whole world even!”

“Adrien-“

“No!” He cut her off, “I’m sorry, I realise Hawkmoth is probably a family member or someone your family trusts but I can’t let them do this.”

“Adrien, It’s not-“ she was starting to get frustrated.

“They’re evil, no matter what you try to say, there is no excuse for what he has done!”

“Hawkmoth is your Father!” She blurted out, accidentally yelling.

Adrien completely froze, his face filled was too many emotions for Kagami to read.

“Adrien?” He didn’t respond. She pushed herself onto her feet and slowly walked over to the leather clad boy.

“Adrien?” She tried again. She slowly lifted a yellow cover hand, resting it on his masked face. He flinched at her touch, backing away from her. She withdrew her hands back in shock at his sudden movement.

“You’re lying.” He hissed out, his voice sounding darker than usual.

“What?” She stuttered out, feeling a little intimidated by the hero in front of her. She never had a plan on what to do it he didn’t believe her.

“You’re lying to protect the real Hawkmoth.”

“Adrien, Listen Is it really that hard to believe? After everything you told me about your Father and how he treats you?”

His face screwed up in pain for a second before hardening again.

“Yeah, he isn’t perfect but he isn’t evil!” He shouted, desperately trying to prove his point.

“Like I said, Hawkmoth has a good heart.” Adrien just glared more.

She took a deep breath.

“Adrien, he’s trying to bring back your Mother.” She whispered, watching his reaction. The pain she felt as she watch the emotions play over his features was worse then the pain her Mothers cane had caused her.

“M-mum?” He sobbed. Kagami bite her lip as she nodded. A final being rung out in the still air between them. A bright green light blinded Kagami for a second before Adrien, stood before her as himself. A black blur zipped right up into her face, a very angry cat glared at her.

“Drop the transformation.” He hissed. Kagami gulped, yeah she was a lot bigger than him but she knew he was powerful.

“I-I don’t know how.”

“Tikki, Spots off.” He hissed out again, his glare never faltering. Kagami quickly mumbled the words, a golden light surrounding her as the transformation dropped. A red bug, Tikki, dropped out of the air as she fainted. Plagg was quick to catch her but even he struggled. Kagami opened her palms, trying to assist the Kwami’s. Plagg bared his tiny fangs at her as he continued to hiss, she quickly removed her hands. The Cat eventually landed safely as he cuddle the other Kwami.

“What’s wrong with her?”

“You!” Plagg screamed, tears welling in his eyes. “You didn’t let her recharge before transforming.”

“Will she be okay?” Kagami whispered, tears welling up in her eyes. Tikki weakly opened her eyes, glancing at Kagami, she gave her a soft smile.

“I’ll be fine Kagami. I just need to rest, I don’t blame you. This is your Mothers fault.” The tiny red bug paused as she coughed violently. “How are you feeling?” Tikki whispered, giving her a pointed look. Kagami face screwed up as she felt the stinging sensation still on her back, how did Tikki know?

“I’ve been inside your head.” The Kwami laughed weakly.

“What’s is she talking about? Why is she worrying about you?” Plagg glared as he looked Kagami up and down,

“I-“

“Is it true?” Adrien suddenly butted in, kneeling beside the Kwami. “What Kagmi said about my Father is it true?” Tikki weakly nodded.

“Tomoe works for Hawkmoth, your Father. Kagami only found all this out a few hours ago.” Adrien’s face fell.

“I don’t know what to do. He’s my Father, he’s all I have left. If he goes to prison, I’ll-“

Kagami placed her hand on his shoulder in comfort.

“But he’s still Hawkmoth.” Plagg interjected. “You were gifted the Miraculous to stop him, it’s your duty.”

“I know, Plagg.” Adrien sadly sighed.

“But he can bring Adrien’s Mother back.” Kagami reminded the small group. Plagg rolled his eyes, Kagami had a feeling that he definitely didn’t like her.

“Not without horrific consequences.”

“Consequences?” Adrien asked.

“The universe must always stay in balance, perfect harmony of good and evil, light and darkness, creation and destruction.” Tikki whispered, stroking Plaggs arm as she utter the last two. “Where there is life, there must always be death.” The two teenagers looked at eachother in confusion.

“If Gabriel brings back someone he loves he’ll also lose someone he loves as well.” Plagg deadpanned while pointing to Adrien. A heavy silence filled the air as that new information sunk in.

“What are we going to do?” Kagami whispered.

“We?” Plagg snorted, “you’ve already done enough!”

“Plagg!” Tikki and Adrien snapped, the small cat jumped slightly, the fur on the back of his neck raising in surprise.

“Kagami is a part of this two, she’s in Hawkmo- I mean father’s inner circle now, perhaps she could go undercov-“

“No!” Tikki snapped, “Its too dangerous.”

“I know but Kagmi can handle herself-“

“No! I’m not risking one of my bugs lives, sending her back to that place is off the table.” Tikki, yelled trying to sit up. She groaned in pain, Plagg was right by her side, soothing her as he helped her lay back down.

“She isn’t one of your Bugs, Sugarcube.” Plagg gently whispered, “she forced the transformation, she’s no better than Hawkmoth with the way he uses Nooroo.”

Tikki used her little strength to slap him. The slap itself wasn’t very hard but the meaning behind it showed strength.

“You know what it’s like when we transform with our wielders, I’ve been inside Kagami Tsuguri’s mind, I have seen and relived the horror of her upbringing. I have felt the pain inflicted on her body by the women who birthed her. I feel everything she has ever felt, so don’t you dare for a second tell me she ain’t one of my Bugs. She is under my protection now and not you nor your kitten will send her back to that hell hole.”

Plaggs eyes widen, his jaw locked shut. He didn’t dare try challenge Tikki, the goddess of creation, he simply agreed. He glanced at Kagmi who was hiding her face in shame, he wondered what this girl had gone through.

“What is she talking about?” Adrien quietly asked, his eyes filled with concern. Kagami was going to ignore him, pretend she didn’t know anything, but the way he was staring at her right now. She felt like she could trust him with her very soul.

She quietly turned around and slipped her Yukata of her shoulders, revealing her beaten and bruised back. The cuts were still fresh, some of them slightly reopened.

She heard a collection of gasped behind her, tears watered up in her eyes.

“Don’t feel ashamed.” Tikki spoke. “The only person who should feel ashamed is the monster that gave them to you.”

Kagami bite her lip to stop herself from verbally reply, she would have cried if she did, instead she opted to just nod. She slipped the garment back on and tightened it again, taking her time to avoid talking about it. Once she was finally done she turned back around,nervous to face Adrien, as soon as she was facing them again, she was tackled. A head for of soft blonde hair tickled her nose as Adrien tightly wrapped his arms around Kagami.

“I’m sorry, I won’t make you go back there, I won’t let you!” He cried, his warm tears soaking her neck as he buried his face. Kagami felt her tears fall as well as she hugged him tightly back. What were they going to do? Both there Parents were monster and both of them had nowhere to go.

“What are we going to do?” Kagami voiced her concerns. “With both of our parents terriosing Paris, it isn’t safe for us to go home, yet we have nowhere else to go.”

Adrien stiffened up, She was right.

“I-I don’t know.”

“My Mother also knows both you and your Fathers identities. She is threatening to expose them to the public if she doesn’t get her wish.”

Adrien tensed up again before squeezing her harder, being mindful of her back.

“I don’t care, she can tell all of Paris. I’m not going to let her or My father hurt anyone ever again.” He pulled away from her and held both of her hands, he gave them a gentle squeeze as he smiled.

“What if Paris turn on you?”

“I didn’t become a hero for the praise and fame. I’m already a model. I just wanted to help people.” Kagami smiled, this is why she loved him.

“I love you.” She whispered. Adrien’s eyes widened. “You don’t have to say it back, but stop lying to me. I know you feel something for me! but I’m willing to wait. I know you said you love Ladybug and you just found out who she is under the mask, I know that this is all confusing for you, so take your time- mhmf”

Kagami’s words got trapped in her mouth as Adrien kissed her. His soft lips, pressed firmly against hers as he expressed all his feelings for her through that one action. after a few seconds the pair parted, slightly out of breath.

“I love you too, Kagami.” He whispered, “we’re going to stop Hawkmoth, all four of us.” He annouced as he looked at Tikki and Plagg who nodded in agreement.

“Even if we have nowhere to go, we’ll be together. This is just the Beginging of our, and all of Paris’, freedom.”

#miraculous tales #miraculous ladybug and chatnoir #marinette dupin cheng #ladybug #adrien agreste #chatnoir #kwami #kagami tsuguri #Cat Miraculous #Ladybug Miraculous #Adrigami #Adrigami Week #Adrigami Week ChelleAslin

[terato-kiss-blog]

Scenario with Jirou (Earphone jack) and Kendo (Big fist) comforting a s/o having an anxiety attack please?

Hoo boy. These kind of turned into monsters? I dealt with anxiety attacks pretty regularly in high school, and though they’re rarer now I still have them, as do a good number of my friends. So as you might be able to guess, this was an ask that hit close to home. I’m putting them both under the cut so as not to take up the entire dash, but before I let y’all get to business I want to make it clear that my inbox is always open for anyone who needs comfort or a space to vent. Mental illness is a hell of a thing, and you all deserve love and support like these two lovely kids provide. On that note, I hope you like it, anon. 

Jirou

It was supposed to be a nice day, and now you were ruining it.

You had been so excited when you found out about the concert in the park - it wasn’t a very well-known band, but bonding over your mutual enjoyment was one of the things that brought you and your girlfriend together, and (most importantly) it was free. You’d met at her place bright and early, her parents cooing over your ensembles of ripped jeans and shredded band tees until she dragged you out the door, ears red and a not-entirely-convincing scowl.

You hadn’t noticed at first, too busy screaming lyrics at the top of your lungs and rocking to the wild beat, but the crowd has grown since you’ve arrived, a mass of moving bodies surrounding you and you know, somehow, that there are eyes on you. Only you, the one person in the crowd not dancing, the one whose heart pounds louder than the drums, the one whose eyes are starting to fill with tears. You know that they’re watching you, wondering why you’re here if you can’t even handle a crowd -

You don’t realize that you’re moving until you burst out of the wall of people, the cool air a shock to your system. It takes you another second to realize that Jiro is the one moving you, fingers locked tight around your limp wrist, and now you’re crying for real because this was supposed to be good and you couldn’t handle it.

She leads you to a bench, sitting you down and guiding your head down to rest on her narrow shoulder. She gently shushes your choked-out apologies, murmuring reassurances that you’ve done nothing wrong, that she doesn’t blame you in the least, that it will be over soon and you’ll be okay. You’re dimly aware of her earlobes extending before her Quirk activates, the not-so-distant sounds of blaring guitar and screaming crowd fading to nothing until all that’s left is the sound of your breaths - hers deliberately slow and steady, yours rapid and uneven.

It still seems to take hours before you can match your pace to hers, exhausted and shaking in the aftermath. “Fuck,” you squeak, tongue dry and heavy in your mouth. Then you say it again, firmer this time, and she laughs a little.

“Yeah. You feeling better?”

“Getting there,” you say, gently prodding at your face. You groan when your fingertips come away streaked black, flopping back onto her shoulder. “Shit. Do I look ridiculous?”

“Nah, messy makeup is a super punk look.”

You smile, weak but genuine. “I think that’s more of a goth thing. Or maybe emo?”

“You can pull off anything, so it’s not like it matters,” she says with a deceivingly casual shrug and rising to her feet. “Listen, Momo told me about this really cute smoothie place nearby. I was gonna take you after the concert, but I’m ready to go now if you are?”

It doesn’t take long for your relief to override any lingering guilt, a weight lifting from your shoulders at the prospect of getting somewhere nice and quiet. You grab her offered hand, rising on steady legs and using your grip to tug her closer and press a chaste kiss to her lips. “Thank you for taking care of me, Kyoka. I’m lucky to have a girlfriend like you.”

If anyone else made her blush like that, you know she’d scoff and brush them off, maybe even inflict a light punch if particularly embarrassed (you’ve seen this happen to Kaminari more times than you can count.) Instead Jirou kisses you again, lingering for a moment before pulling away and leading you towards the smoothie shop, chattering softly about Momo’s recommendations for the menu. She doesn’t let go of your hand.

Your heart’s still beating fast, but you know it’s for a much more pleasant reason now.

Kendou

The worst thing about anxiety attacks, really, was when you felt them coming on - felt the world start to shift, the words of your classmates melting into static, your heart rising into your throat - and yet there was nothing you could do to stop it.

They’re hard to pinpoint as attacks to most people, which is why it took so long for you to get a diagnosis (even though you’d been having them since you were barely walking.) You’ve never (as far as you can remember, at least) fallen into the kind of hysterics media tended to display panic attacks as, the sobbing or shaking or tearing of hair. Instead, you just… retreat, unwillingly stepping sideways out of a body that no longer wants to respond to your brain, remaining outwardly silent and still even as you beat yourself bloody on the walls of your own skull. You know that your tells aren’t particularly obvious.  

Well, except to one person.

Your phone buzzes gently against your desk, screen flashing. Dragging your eyes up from your lap seems to take herculean effort, but there’s a palpable sense of relief when you focus enough to read the message on your screen.

Itsuka 💕: Can you talk?

You’re pretty sure that’s a no, and in all honesty you’re afraid of what you’d sound like if you tried, so instead you muster up enough strength to shake your head, feeling more like a malfunctioning robot than a human. 

Another buzz, and a second message fills your screen.

Itsuka 💕: Do you need to get out? Can I touch you?

You think your nod looks a little more natural this time, but you could also just be fooling yourself. Kendou’s thoughtful enough not to lay a hand on you until she’s in your field of vision, gentle smile not quite masking the concern in her eyes. She has to practically carry you out, an arm wrapped tight around your shoulders; as much as you will yourself to walk with her, your legs won’t cooperate. As it is, you only just make it to a bathroom before your knees buckle and you slide inelegantly to the floor, leaning your forehead against the cool tile wall. It helps. Barely.

She doesn’t touch you, though you know she wants to; she’s a physical comforter by nature, but you know from years of experience that when you’re like this, the last thing you want is to be touched. Instead she joins you on the floor, position innocuously prim in your mundane surroundings - not quite close enough to touch you, but close enough that you’re intensely aware that she’s here. That she won’t leave you. 

That helps. A lot. 

It’s quiet for a long time, only broken by her hums and the sharp twangs once you come back to yourself enough to snap the rubber band looped around your wrist. It’s always a slow return, but you get there eventually, and she waits with the patience of a saint as your breathing evens out and the jitters running through you slow to a stop.

“Monoma’s going to ask what happened, you know that, right.” Your voice comes out flat and inflectionless, too weary to bother making it a question. Kendou nods knowingly.

“Well, he can be a dick -” and that startles a snort from you, hearing the ever-composed big sister of 1-B use such language, “- but even he has limits. He won’t push if I tell him not to.”

You grunt in acknowledgement, rising to your feet and immediately regretting your life choices as your knees cry out in protest after kneeling for - how long? Almost fifteen minutes, a cursory check of your phone reveals. For you, that’s actually not terrible. 

“You still have a few minutes before class starts,” Kendou says, offering your bag. You brush your fingers lightly against hers as you take it, slinging it over your shoulder as you consider your options. 

“Can you let Yamada-sensei know I’ll be a little late? I want to…” You trail off, realizing that they’re probably isn’t any physical evidence to clean up. Still, a splash of cold water would do you good. Kendou understands. 

She extends her hands but stops just short of actually touching you, letting you return the gesture and link your hands with hers. Another shadow of concern darkens her blue eyes at the red welt forming on your skin, and she slowly raises your hand to her face, eyes on yours to search for any sign of disapproval. She finds none, and you sigh contentedly at the press of her lips to the stinging skin, turning your hand so you can cup her face. 

You step into her embrace for only a heartbeat, bumping your forehead against hers before playfully shoving her towards the door (at least one of you should get to class on time.) She blows you a kiss as she leaves, even though you’ll only be apart for minutes at most. You’re dating a dork. 

Still, you think to yourself as you meet your own gaze in the mirror, cheeks pink and eyes tired. Anxiety attacks may be one of the banes of your existence, but with her by your side, they always seem a little more tolerable. 

#bnha #bnha imagines #my hero academia imagines #jirou kyouka #kendou itsuka #my writing #WOW THESE ARE LONG #I HAVE NO SELF RESTRAINT APPARENTLY WHO KNEW #also i wanted to show that like. not all anxiety/panic comes thru the same way? bc i think there's a stereotype of what they look like that #doesnt apply to everyone #a lot of the reader in kendou's is based off of my experiences/ways of coping but like everyone is valid and so on #rant over love u all

[tanoraqui]

Pre-(Me Reading) Oathbringer Speculation

So…Oarhbringer theories…I’ve been playing spoilers chicken but I think I’ve remained mostly clean, so this is based almost entirely on just WoK and WoR, +Edgedancer. Also I may have looked at who gets POV chapters.

Character Stuff

Dalinar is presently leader of the new would-be Knights Radiant, but based on the attributes associated with their Orders/heralds, that job should be Kaladin’s, with Dalinar more…advising? Which works for both their character arcs:

Kaladin needs to get his head out of his ass, not just ease up on his hatred of lighteyes but also start seeing the larger picture BEFORE he fucks it up, not after (see: swerving with bridge, challenging Amaram.) also, Windrunnere are known for protecting and leadership - so I bet his next vow will be about that. Good opportunity for it as he heads to Kholin, where the darkeyes’ revolution of his dreams seems to be starting. After Elhokar in WoR, he won’t just throw in with the uprising, but you know he’ll want to.

I’ve also seen a spoiler that he may end up, at least briefly, with the Parshendi who fled rather than take Stormform? Pls be kind to them, Kaladin. They need it.

Dalinar, meanwhile, needs to figure out how to let go of power. Shallan (I think it was Shallan) was right: he’s here to gather the new Radiants, not lead them. Not forever, at least. Between the book flap and some stronger spoilers, I know the politics are going international now, as Dalinar tries to rally the whole world, and fucks it up a little - good. I wonder if the second vow of the Bondsmiths is something like, “I will unite people, even if I am not in the lead”? “Even at cost to myself"?

P.S. Gonna find out about Dalinar's wife this book! Gonna find out what deal he made with the Nightwatcher (who is definitely Cultivation-based)! Should learn more about the Old Magic with that, and Cultivation, who frankly I suspect is behind the very warm feeling from that last, golden dream Dalinar had at the end of WoR!

The book flap says Dalinar must “confront the past” and the back says he “seeks the past. That which was abandoned. That which he must not learn. For those secrets will crush him as they did the Knights who came before.” + Amaram’s obsession with Talenal and my mild spoilers-given knowledge that we’re getting a bit more about the Heralds this book, I bet Dalinar isn’t just confronting his own past re: his forgotten wife, but also

a) the fact that 9/10 Heralds, now held as idols, just walked away from their sworn duty

b) the realization of this on the part of the Knights Radiant was the reason for the Recreance. “If the best can’t/won’t do it, why should we?” sort of thing. And so our heroes will have to choose for themselves...

[hint: “Someone has to start...We have to be better than them.”]

Shallan…Her brothers will arrive, which will require her to confront how much she’s changed since she left home, but I think her story this tome will be relatively character development-light, plot/worldbuilding-solving-heavy.

Adolin: The first time I read these books, I said Adolin is poised for an interesting 3rd book, and I stand by that. He CAN'T tell his father what he did; it would put Dalinar and his rule-following honor in an impossible position. But the guilt will stew, and he'll have to deal with the consequences, and incidentally, this is probably the first time in Adolin's life that he's so overshadowed? Not just his cousin the king and his father the Blackthorn, but his father - and fiancée, and ex-bodyguard, and even his baby brother the Knights Radiant? I'd like to see him struggle with that.

I'd also like to see him remain NOT a Knight Radiant, not yet at least, but maybe pick up Talenel'a Honorblade and join in the fun that way. That's probably the best Order For him anyway, the resolute, dependable fighters.

(A part of me is terrified of an endgame where Adolin is Odium's Champion. Foreshadowed by his dueling prowess, and his...periodic tendency towards rashness and rage.)

Less Main Characters:

Szeth!! I'm gonna be honest: all I want out of this book is for some Szeth POV where he's talking with Nightblood and it has the vibe of a buddy cop comedy. All I want. Also, I guess he's going to go judge Shinovar [that sounds so pretentious; good grief, Nale], and I hope for his own sake that he's merciful about it. I think he will be. He doesn't want to kill, even if they were in denial and it resulted in years of torment for him and the world.

Renarin will hopefully get a little more attention, but I think still no POV? So not much attention. (I WANNA MEET REN’S SPREN SO BAD.) Hopefully he can get a little confidence. 

I suspect his seizures are actually due to his Truthwatcher abiliies somehow - maybe because he’s been resisting them? Or they just always go hand in hand, but will get more manageable? Which pisses me off tbh, bc it’s been so great having Kaladin’s depression and Shallan’s inclination to cope with trauma by wildly disassociating be mostly unrelated to their powers, just part of who they are as people (more related in Shallan, but still it’s like...who she is? And that was a perfectly natural reaction to trauma, and treated as such.) 

But the fact that Lopen’s arm started growing back, and Renarin stopped needing his glasses, says Stormlight heals major, old, and chronic illnesses/injuries/physical problems, which means imo that Sanderson is not treating physical disability with the same grace he gave mental. Maybe the seizures will continue with the visions they probably accompany, and it’s just something Truthwatchers have to deal with - that could be okay. Maybe it’s chronic, and if he loses access to Stormlight, they’ll return? Kaladin’s depression acts a bit like that, which makes sense because that IS due to real physical cause i.e. chemical imbalance, which maybe the Stormlight is fixing temporarily but these kids’ bodies are still set up just a bit wrong, and that’s not something that can be “fixed”...that’d be nice...

(This got away from character-related theories, sorry.)

While I’m on the subject of Representation in Fiction: GIVE SHALLAN SOME FEMALE FRIENDS. ALSO MORE RECURRING FEMALE POV CHARACTERS, CONSIDERING...JUST LOOK AT THAT LIST UP THERE. 1 WOMAN, 3 MEN. C’mooonnn 

Speaking of which: My Wife If Only She'd Have Me, Jasnah Motherfucking Kholin had better come tell her actual mother that she's alive tbh, or at least send word, because Navani being forlorn to the point of illogic is, um, devastating. But also I will gladly die for the snark-filled adventures of Jasnah and Wit, so...

I know she has at least one POV chapter and I'm so excited. Only in one section, though, so alas we won't get much

Let Jasnah Have A Full Character Arc 2k18

Tentative guess that the wall she's soulcasting up on the cover is in Kholinar? Though also, who the hell knows, she and Wit could go anywhere. I ship it, y’all.

Taravangian has a recurring POV this book, which I assume is true recurring and not just, like, one chapter per section. Probably his arc will involve a growing uncertainty, as reality diverges further from the Diagram and unifying the world is harder than he thought, particularly with Dalinar as competition. (Note: Dalinar does need to learn to surrender power, but...not to this guy. He’s doing a LOT of wrong things for right reasons, and a) I disagree with that personally, and more importantly b) the morals of this series disagree with that.)

He believes his intelligence is the Nightmother’s boon and his compassion is the curse, and I bet either he’s got that backwards or they’re BOTH the curse and his desired “capacity” will manifest as, like, being at the right place in the right moment, five books from now.

Venli is worth mentioning, because she has a POV every or nearly every Interlude and I thus expect she’s the Traitor named by archetype on the back of the book. I don’t know how she took stormform before telling Eshonai about it, without anyone else noticing, but she clearly did. And the effect clearly sticks, even once a Listener changes back to another form...

Worldbuilding/Plot Theories:

Quick rundown of assorted factions/secret societies, as I understand:

Galivar: Started receiving same Honor Dream Voicemails as Dalinr, believed ‘em. 

Goals: Return the Listeners’ gods (did he KNOW that meant Odium? I’m guessing not, bc he told Taravangian they needed to save the world.

Resources: 1 trapped Voidspren, acquired ?????

The Diagram: Tipped off to nigh Desolation by Galivar, asked Nightmother for “capacity” to stop it, got seesawing intelligence/empathy.

Goals: Unify world under his rule, with violence and trickery if necessary, to brace against Desolation

Resources: Diagram, Death Rattles, widespread, free-ish agents in unknown locations. Significant members: Taravangian (head), Moash (confused).

Sons of Honor: Worship Heralds?

Goals: Sought return of Voidbringers in order to prompt return of Radiants and more importantly Heralds, who will return and...restore honor and piety and all that jazz?

Resources: Mostly unknown, but some scholarship. Significant members: Restares (head, not yet met), Amaram, currently in custody of Talenal but not his Blade

Ghostbloods: What do these people even want?

Goals: Urithiru; knowledge there probably. Didn’t want Jasnah spreading knowledge of Voidbringers? Or just didn’t want her to beat them to the city?

Resources: Substantial. Significant members: Thaidakar (head, not yet met), Mraize, Masked Woman [Parshendi?], Shallan, Halaran (possibly not fully.) Davars owe them money.

Envisigiants: Nice, useless cult or bigger than Teft knew? Don’t SEEM related to any of the above in goals.

In conclusion: man, fuck if I know. 

Um. I actually feel very lacking in plot or worldbuilding theories right now. I think most of them slipped into the character stuff anyway.

Either “Zahel” LOST his talking murdersword (whom I love), or he GAVE IT AWAY, and either way, honestly, what a dipshit and also where hte fuck is Vivenna and how did they get here?? Worldhopping obviously but there was no sign anyone in Warbreaker (aside from Hoid ofc) knew about that, so...???

I think the Aimians, with their mild shapeshifting, must be related to the Parshendi as well (I did look up the Horneaters.) And the...whatever sort of person Lift met in Edgedancer. I literally am not sure whether it’s spoilers or just background Cosmere lore that humans re not native to this planet, though they’ve been here for millennia, but I bet all the shapeshifting species are native. 

Obvious but worth saying: the Nightmother is to Cultivation as the Stormfather is to Honor, probably? More or less?

Big point of confusion, actually: Honor is dead, but I don’t think Cultivation is? Yet she’s in the same vicinity as Odium, and has been for millennia. Hiding? Hiding really well? Maybe voluntarily mostly broke herself up into spren?

Note: the Nightmother’s boons and curses appear to be mostly cerebral, matters of perception or ability, though sometimes something like a bolt of cloth. This is presumably because she’s operating in mostly the Cognitive Realm. (Lift’s boon, of course, is explicitly a...blending of Realms.) (Or possibly Lift’s Curse? You know, the whole Boon/Curse dichotomy is almost certainly a failure of human perception.)

In WoK, it sounded like Elhokar was being followed by the same sort of pattern-headed Cryptics as Shallan, but then they didn’t like being around Kaladin and that worries me, especially with Amaram (sketchy) being followed by shadows at the end of WoR. I can see Cryptics simply not liking Windrunners tbh, but...there are darker spren around, now.

The reason this Desolation seems to be starting differently than previous ones is probably a combination of the particularly long wait between them +...is it cruel of me to hope it really IS partly Wit’s fault. In interfering. I’m sure he’ll help, but you know he’s going to break something eventually.

No, it’s probably that the Oathpact is weak, on account of just one true Herald left, and Odium is preparing to blow this popstand.

The first 5 books will end with the Desolation REALLY starting, and the gap will cover the new Knights Radiant orders settling into their new roles, people dying all over but it still could be worse, etc.

Series Endgame things: I think both that we’re going to need 10 new Heralds, one per Order, AND that Odium is going o be released back into the greater Cosmere, and I’m not sure how both those things will happen but I swear they will.  

If I know absolutely anything about Brandon Sanderson’s writing habits, someday a man matching Spook’s description is going to appear in a Stormlight Archive book, inevitably speaking Eastern Empire street slang, and let me tell you, I am going to scream aloud. I think we’ll get Spook before Kelsier, though they might arrive together.

Worst comes to worst, I would watch an entire film of everyone else being dead but Odium furiously chasing Kelsier around the universe, playing whack-a-mole because this single asshole just will not stay dead. 

#stormlight archive #cosmere #theories #gonna read it this weekend #gonna have fun #may not sleep much #but i have a four-day weekend so I have time to both read AND sleep :D #my fave horse girl books

[littlespoonevan]

Say in ep 5 Isak didn't bump into Emma at the party and instead he did manage to reach Even before Sonja got there, what do you think Isak would've said to him? I can't help but wonder how that confrontation would've gone, because poor baby was so hurt and even was looking like he's on top of the world.

oh mAN that is such a hard question bc isak getting to even before sonja has the potential to change everything???????????

(I would kindly ask that no one send me prompts for the time being while I answer all the ones in my inbox, thank you

okay let’s think about this:

okay so i think our perception of even in that scene is warped a little by isak and i also feel, because of his bipolar, even has become very adept at hiding how he truly feels/putting up a mask

I also firmly do not believe even and sonja got back together after the locker room scene. i think sonja didn’t believe even’s feelings for isak were genuine and i think even told her what happened but i think the kisses at the party were the only ones they shared 

but now let’s get into the nitty gritty

let’s say isak gets into the party and doesn’t run into emma. he sees even, standing at the wall alone, sonja nowhere in sight at this point. and he makes a beeline for him

he shoves through the crowd until he makes it out the other side and when he’s a couple of feet away he manages to catch even’s eye

even freezes when he sees him, watching warily as isak makes his way towards him

there’s a moment when isak finally reaches him where they just sort of stare at one another, suspended in the moment, before eventually isak mutters a soft “halla”

it’s far too quiet for even to hear in the middle of a party but he recognises the word anyway

“halla,” he replies and it’s awkward. the air around them is heavy, full of all the things they haven’t said and are bursting to say

why did you do it? why did you give me hope and then leave? what’s wrong? what did i do?

i’m sorry i left. i didn’t want to leave. i’m bipolar and you don’t want mentally ill people in your life and i don’t blame you. i’m sorry, i’m sorry.

isak worries his bottom lip between his teeth and he doesn’t know what his next move is supposed to be but he knows he needs to talk to even. he just wants to understand

so he swallows down his nerves and asks, “can we talk?”

and goD, even is so fucking helpless. he thought he could let isak go, he knows he should. but seeing him stand in front of him is killing him. seeing that sad, unsure look in his eyes is killing him. he wants to touch isak and kiss him and hold him and soothe him even if he doesn’t have that right anymore

so he says, “okay,” and catches isak’s hand to begin leading him somewhere quiet

and part of isak is freaking out because a boy is holding his hand and they’re in the middle of a crowded party with everyone from school but another part of isak is freaking out because it’s even holding his hand, so he just squeezes even’s palm and follows him

they end up escaping out the backdoor but the garden is pretty packed too so even keeps walking, making their way around the front of the house

isak panics at first in case his friends are still out front but they’re nowhere to be seen so they must’ve gotten in afterall

even keeps walking, down the street and away from the party and it isn’t until the next street over that he actually begins to speak

“i’m sorry,” even breathes, gaze flitting to isak’s briefly before he looks forward again as they continue walking

(he’s still holding isak’s hand)

“you deserved more than a text message,” even continues but he’s still not explaining why he said what he said in the first place

“why did you- I mean. Did i do something wrong?” isak tries to keep the insecurity out of his voice but he can tell he doesn’t entirely succeed

even pulls them to a stop and turns to face him, his free hand reaching up to cup isak’s cheek. “no isak, of course not. it’s- I’m- it’s my fault.”

“how?” isak whispers and he hates that even still, his voice shakes

even smiles sadly, thumb sweeping over isak’s cheekbone. “you don’t want someone like me in your life, trust me. you’d be better off without me.”

the words are a flicker of familiarity but isak’s not sure why

“why do you get to decide that?” he asks, voice slightly stronger than before but still timid. his eyes are burning and he wishes they would stop

“i just know,” even answers and he sounds so sure but how fucking can he when that answer is so vague??????

“i think you could be good for me,” isak admits and it’s the closest he’s ever come to admitting he wants this, that he believes in this, that he’s willing to try for this

even’s throat bobs and it looks like it pains him when he drops his hand from isak’s cheek

isak watches him as even spins away from him, seemingly battling with something inside as he alternates between looking up at the sky and down at the ground for some kind of answer

“just talk to me,” isak whispers eventually, a traitorous tear finally spilling over. he wipes it away before even looks at him

he hears even mutter a, “fuck it,” before he’s meeting isak’s gaze and saying, “I’m bipolar.”

and that’s.

“I decided my life would be better off without mentally ill people in it.”

that’s why what even had said had sounded so familiar and fuck, fUCK

isak doesn’t know much about bipolar other than general knowledge. he doesn’t know what it means for them or if he could handle it but he does know he hurt even with what he said in the locker room and that’s probably why he pulled away

“i’m sorry,” he utters after what’s probably been too long. “i’m so sorry. when i said that in the locker room I-”

even flinches and isak closes his mouth, taking a hesitant step closer

“things with my mom are really, really complicated. my whole life is fucking complicated right now. and i don’t really know a lot about bipolar disorder but i do know that when i’m with you is the only time things don’t feel complicated. so,” he pauses, wetting his lips as even’s expression changes from pained to wary. “so maybe we could keep walking and you could explain it to me and then, if you’ll forgive me for what i said, maybe i can be the one to decide whether i want you in my life or not?”

even is staring at him in utter disbelief, like he can’t believe isak is actually here and it’s enough to make isak feel a little brave and take his hand again, threading their fingers together

“I’m pretty sure i’m the opposite of not complicated,” even tells him and he sounds so scared and this is completely unlike the even isak knows but he’s thinking maybe this is just another side of him he’s getting to uncover

“explain it to me,” isak requests quietly. “and then we can figure out how to uncomplicate it.”

even kisses him once on the cheek. it’s soft and it’s lingering and it’s enough to make isak’s knees weak. but then they’re walking again and even is speaking - hesitant but trying -  and isak thinks no matter how complicated it’s about to get, this part will always be easy

#evak #isak valtersen #even bech næsheim #skam #evenbechnet #Anon #asks #mine

[epajournal]

March 15th, 2017

Howdy again,   Today went alright. I managed to get up at a “decent” time considering how late I stayed up. Mom ended up waking up this morning so once more, Ian got to sleep in all night. Asshole. When I got up, I tried on some of the pants from Fabletics-- The pair I put on were definitely tight, but, I could get into them with some shimmying and they’ll be perfect when I trim down a bit. One batch of the new underwear I got is great and very comfy, and they’re a vented mesh texture so they should be good for exercising in. The sports bras all seem to fit-- They’re not the most supportive thing on earth but for what I’m doing, shouldn’t be a problem. I may even end up sleeping in one or two of them nightly, I’m very concerned about supporting my breasts when I sleep...   Uhhh, let’s see. I told Mom to record her doctor visit and ask a list of specific questions so we wouldn’t be speculating anymore, but. While she actually did ask the questions, a fucking miracle, she goddamn Magoo’d the hell out of recording it. I swear, I don’t know how much of this is her lack of oxygen and mental illness, but that woman can be a real dumbass to a startling degree. But she did have answers, which I hope she relayed correctly. Basically, once she starts the oxygen, which her doctor thinks the nasal cannula WILL work for her even with her fucked-up schnozz, it’ll immensely reduce the chance she won’t be able to wake herself up if she has an apnea event. He couldn’t say it’s guaranteed, but made sure Mom knew that it was very safe to sleep without being monitored after she gets the machine working for her. In the next two weeks or so, she goes back to them for some check-up and to be sure that the CPAP is being used the best it can be. He also told her that we SHOULD be able to hear her having an apnea event, it won’t just be that she stops breathing but an obvious sputtering and choking as her body tries to unconsciously correct itself (or has a heart attack, fun)-- The danger in this being that her body is so low-oxygen and fatigued that it might not be able to wake up and have her consciously correct herself. Uhhh, what else... The CPAP machine has a bit of an alarm mechanism in it, so that’s good.   She’s very against the idea of me going to her appointments with her. It’s another one of those “I’m a grown-up!!” things-- When I suggested I go with her from now on, she was like “well then are you gonna’ let me go to your appointments?” And it’s like, Mom, those are... Such different things, are you kidding? And then it was the “I’m an adult, I’m a grown woman” spiel and the “I don’t want you to take over for me.” Even when I tried to tell her straight-up like, look, your health situation has been something I have to deal with and yet I never get to be involved in the actual process with doctors, I just hear it from you. And I want to be involved and get this moving in a productive motion and make sure we have all the answers we can, especially since you admitted you haven’t been remembering things very well lately. She’s such a fucking brat.   The moment she got home, she was like, oh I got you a brownie, oh look at this mug I got, yadda yadda, happy mood, and then suddenly she comes out like “are you gonna’ DO anything???” and I’m like, “--What?” Like she’s just suddenly lecturing me and I’m not even sure about what. “Well I don’t know if you’ve NOTICED, but Ian and I have been cleaning up ALLLL your mess lately,” which, honestly? I’ve been really bad. I think soon I’m gonna’ go to JapanTown or just a local Daiso and get some plates of my own and say I’m only allowed to eat off of those so I HAVE to wash them and they KNOW which messes are mine. If they don’t like that, too bad. But it hasn’t been terrible or anything. Anyway, then my mom is like... What was it... Oh, “You never help out with anything!” And Tom’s on Bluetooth with me, which my mom doesn’t realize, somehow she never remembers I could be on Bluetooth calls or takes cues that I was just talking to someone moments ago, and I hear Tom on the other end just groan like “Ohhhrghhrr,” because she knows. She knows how shitty this is. And how wrong that is.   But. Other than that interaction, nothing’s been terrible today. Avoided dairy pretty much all day and aside from a minor discomfort going on now, which is more like minor gas pains than actual cramps, my gut’s still doing way better. So for the time being, I’m gonna’ keep away from dairy and heavy fats, because I figure it’s one of those two. I’m kind of leaning towards heavy fats. But that’s fine, because there’s plenty I can eat instead, and it’s a good way for me to avoid getting a lot of heavy foods in my diet. It’ll be kind of like going on that cleanse, I guess.   Same rules apply today as they do to yesterday-- I’m  up ‘til 5:30 to keep an eye on her, then she either wakes up or my brother takes over and goes in the living room with her where she’ll sleep for a bit. Right now she’s actually asleep, which is good. She didn’t get much sleep at all last night, I think partially because the dog kept getting up and was irritated at sharing a bed with me and, especially, my lap desk in here as well. Brat dog. Bratwurst dog.   I’m hoping Potala Cafe has the meal I reaaaally want tomorrow-- Lentil soup and the veggies and stuff... Then I could... oh, well. Wait, because Casey’s going out on her walk tomorrow. Well, still. In that case, I hope they DON’T but they have it on Sunday, how about that. If not Friday. :| I think I had better leave the house tomorrow. It might be a good day to walk around Lake Temescal with the dog, since she’ll be a bit tuckered out from her walk and likely easier to handle. Then I could get exercise myself, get some sunlight in, and go get some more of the, uh... Prilosec?? I think, from Rite Aid. And maybe another sleep mask for my mom so I can keep a light on in her room. Her CPAP parts should be here tomorrow so she can use it that night, but. Until I know for sure that it’s working for her, I’m not gonna’ stop staying up.   My family thinks I’m overreacting. Do you know how many times they kept telling me it wasn’t a big deal? It’s no wonder I feel like I’m losing my mind all the time here-- I’m taking things as seriously as they should warrant me to. They’re the ones that are in denial or willful ignorance and normalizing everything to “EH, I’m sure it’s fine.” When a doctor tells you that you could die, you’re supposed to be vigilant and take it seriously, for Christ’s sake.   I keep thinking of like. In grade school, like, god, something like first grade, maybe??? Kindergarten? Maybe second... We had an in-class assignment where we had to write instructions for how to tell someone how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. So we wrote them, and our teacher took out the stuff to make one and followed them exactly, like to the point that if you said “open the jar,” she wouldn’t know how to open the jar unless you explained it. It drove me freaking nuts. I literally started to feel panicked and was desperate to claw my way in there to be the first to get all the details out in order so she would just make the fucking sandwich. Every chance to fuck up, she made it-- “Grab the knife” would be like. With what? My mouth? Do I take it by the blade? How do you spread jelly? It drove me nuts, like I can’t express how much I was frustrated with this then. And now, I just think of that when I think of trying to instruct my mom to do anything, and it’s why I’m so particular. But the catch is that if I don’t leave enough details, she fucks up. Like I can tell her I need cream cheese and she comes back and it’s strawberry-flavored when I needed it for a savory dish. Okay. But if I write too many details, she doesn’t read it. This is also a situation my last boss put me through coooooonstantly. And a large part of why I quit.

#March 15th 2017 #March 2017 #March #2017 #3.15.17 #3/15/17